#tw // mention of suicide | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tangledinink · 1 year ago

Text

Well! It's not a Monday, and it's been a hot second. BUT!!! :3c Here! Chapter 27 of I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? is here! Raph and Casey finally get to have some long overdue bonding time together. Read it on ao3 or below the cut.

[ prev ]

“Why the hell is she ALWAYS HERE?!” Donnie cried in complaint, just barely twisting out of the path of a kunai’s bite, twisting backwards to retreat from his opponent’s assault.

“Great question. Honestly, it seems like you’re kind of obsessed with us. Sort of embarrassing,” Leo chirped in reply, grinning big as he spun into the fray, leaping in defense of his twin. The Foot Ninja easily dodged him and the sweep of his odachi, all but spitting at him in reply.

“DIE.”

“Damn, okay. Touchy,” Leo muttered.

Their opponent shrieked in response, throwing herself at her enemy, but was easily rebuffed by their father, jerking forward to shove her away from his children. Raph would admit she was an impressive fighter, but she was certainly no match for their dad. It took almost no time at all for him to pin her down to the ground, and Raph was just beginning to get a sense of deja vu when Leo heaved a great sigh.

“At least there’s only one of--”

“WHY? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!” Donnie squawked, whipping around to absolutely glare at their twin.

And god, you would not imagine what happened just a few seconds later.

Raph managed to punch out two Foot Clan ninjas and throw another through a storefront before he came about five centimeters from being knifed, and he was finally forced to seek temporary refuge, ducking behind the cover of a nearby sunglasses kiosk to catch his breath and attempt to get his shit together.

C’mon, Raph, focus. You got this. Everyone’s counting on you. You just gotta keep it together, and figure out where the Dark Armor piece is so we can grab it and get out without anyone getting--

“Raph!”

His younger brother’s excited, breathless cry severed his frantic train of thoughts, and his head bobbed upward just in time to watch Leo rush over to join him-- nearly skidding out in his rush. “I think I have a plan--”

Raph froze.

He swore he felt his entire body seize for just a second, his heart clenching up tight in his chest as though someone had just reached through him and grabbed it with ice cold hands.

“No,” he snapped in reply.

“What?!” Leo protested. “You didn’t even let me expl—“

“NO,” Raph hissed, harder this time. He didn’t let himself look back over at Leo, because he knew that he would just glare at him. And he knew that it would just make his body freeze up even more.

“Raph, I promise this will work, it’s—“

“Leo, STOP. I said no! What part of that don’t you get!?” Raph snarled and there was this horrendous tickling crawl running up and down his spine like there was a damn millipede under his skin, and he didn’t want to fight with Leo, so he just—

Ran.

He had to get back out into the fray sooner or later, anyway. They couldn’t just hide forever.

He didn’t wanna be angry at Leo. He didn’t wanna take things out on him. It wasn’t… his fault. Exactly. Totally? Maybe? And he didn’t wanna think about who’s fault it was, anyway, so this was easier.

He didn’t have to think about whether or not he was angry at Leo if he was taking it out on someone else.

And luckily, they were literally surrounded by evil ninjas right now. So. That was actually pretty convenient.

And yeah, okay, sure, there were a lot of them. But here’s the thing-- Raph was no scientist, but he had crunched the numbers, and he was pretty sure their dad was badass enough to count as at least two dozen ninjas, which meant their odds were actually pretty good.

And if their dad was at least two dozen, Raph couldn’t just sit back and let himself be just one.

There were a lot of Foot Clan soldiers, yes. But they had shown up here for a reason, and it was important. And this time, they weren’t just gonna retreat. Raph knew what was at stake-- they were gonna get what they came for.

(That’s what he had told himself at the time, anyway. That was the mantra in his head the entire time-- roaring through the fray alongside his family.)

Raph had been to this mall before. In fact, he’d been to this mall lots of times before. It was overall unremarkable, but the one thing that had always stood out to Raph was the elevator. And this was because Raph had always HATED it.

He didn’t want to say afraid, per se, because that would involve him openly admitting that he was afraid of the elevator. But really, could you blame him? It wasn’t that elevators in general frightened him, it was that THIS elevator frightened him. He remembered visiting this mall back when he was small with the rest of his family and begging his Dad to let them take the escalators instead.

Because how in the world could a glass elevator possibly be safe?! And who the heck would even enjoy that!? Let alone think it was a good idea to build one?!

His first thought he had upon his body careening through the glass, shattering on impact, having been sent flying after a particularly large, brutish member of the Foot slammed into his side, was “see? I was right. This was a bad idea.”

It was pretty much the only thought he had, actually, his brain a bit too caught up in the fact that they had just been thrown through an elevator shaft to really process anything else right away.

Thank god the rest of his body didn’t need his brain in order to react.

He didn’t need conscious thought to tell him to grab onto the remaining metal edge of the elevator, clinging to the closest thing he had to solid ground with his arm as the rest of his body dangled over open air.

(What floor were they on again? The third? The fifth?)

He also didn’t need conscious thought to tell him to grab onto the girl that had been thrown with him— the girl he had been locked into combat with about ten seconds ago.

With his free arm, he bundled her up as close as he possibly could to himself, and he hung on tight.

And for half of a second, they kind of just… hung there. Raph’s feet scrabbled against the smooth surface of the panel of glass below them, surrounded on all sides by thick glass and metal save for the hole just above them that Raph was now hanging onto for dear life.

He could feel little pieces of shattered glass falling down the back of his shirt and tickling at his skin.

He was vaguely aware of screaming from up above him, and while he could pick out his family’s voices amongst that of strangers, he couldn’t quite tell what they were saying. It was hard to hear anything over the heartbeat in his ears.

He glanced down at the girl shoved up against his side. For every bit he was hanging onto her, she was hanging onto him just as desperately, fistfuls of his clothing clenched up in her fingers.

Her eyes were so big.

“Hang on,” he heard himself saying, kind of distantly in the background. “Just hang on. I’ll get us back up.”

And almost as soon as he spoke, her eyes narrowed again.

About four things happened in very quick succession over the following five seconds.

The first was the girl hoisting herself upwards by her grip on him, twisting around with shaking fingers so she could draw a knife from her belt and lunge towards the arm that was not currently wrapped around her.

The second was a flash of crimson light overhead, tickling around the edges of the elevator car that currently sat about three stories above them.

The third thing was a horrific, shrieking groan of metal, followed by a sickening snap.

And the fourth was Raph letting go of his hold on the elevator shaft.

---

Casey was honestly a bit surprised to find that she had, in fact, not been killed in the ensuing fall.

She didn’t think she was even… hurt. At least not badly.

Now that the world had stopped spinning, she began to take quiet inventory, a soft groan escaping her as she strained to gather her bearings again. When she moved, shards of shattered glass fell off of her like snow, joining the mounds of it underfoot with little clicks and clatters. Upon moving, she also realized that there was still an arm wrapped around her, pressed up so tight around her middle that it was nearly hard to breathe. But it wasn’t quite painful.

She had just fallen about four stories. And yet, she was pretty sure she wasn’t even seriously injured. No broken bones, at least. Everything could still move. She could feel her arms, her legs, her toes. She could still feel all her fingers.

She had heard her clan members yelling before. Heard the command to cut the cable. If the fall didn’t kill her, then being crushed by a falling elevator car really should have. It should have killed them both. It was supposed to kill them both.

But it didn’t. They were both alive.

Because the person she had been attempting to murder, who still had an arm wrapped around her middle, hunched over her as if to shield her, currently had them both shoved into the very corner of the elevator shaft, shoved up against the concrete walls of the lower level they now resided in.

They hadn’t been crushed because he was holding up the elevator car that should have killed them, his arms encrusted in shimmering, crystalline red light.

He was also definitely not a human anymore.

“Are you okay?” He bit out, his voice tight and strained but still soft and wobbling with concern, and Casey gaped rather than answering. He shifted slightly, readjusting his stance. His upper body was braced up against one corner of the metal panel that made up the bottom of the elevator car— creating just enough of a pocket for the two of them to take refuge in, tented beneath the wreckage up above. His long, alligator-like tail shifted as he moved, sweeping through the broken glass.

Shhhh shhhhh.

“Oh my god,” Casey responded, her eyes wide. “… You’re actually a mutant turtle.”

“What?” He bit out, his eyes just barely flickering over to her, and Casey quickly bit her tongue.

“Nothing,” she spat, bristling slightly. Jesus christ, why was she talking to him? What the hell was she even doing…?

Come on, Recruit, get it together. Focus. You’re not dead. You didn’t die. So you still have a job to do.

Though her hands were shaking horribly, she lurched a bit to grab for her belt, only to realize with a dawning horror that her kunai were no longer there. I must have lost them in the fall… She bristled for a moment, wriggling from the other’s grip just enough so that she could back away— pressing herself up against the cold concrete wall. The space they had was incredibly limited, however, and the distance she could put between them was… minimal, to say the least.

She could feel her heart beating in her chest as she patted herself down again, and then a third time, not daring to take her eyes off the enemy but at the same time searching frantically.

She was unarmed.

And he was… a giant mutant reptile.

(And, look, she hadn’t exactly thought that Draxum was… lying, per se, but oh my lord. Seriously?)

She didn’t take her eyes off of him. And he didn’t take his eyes off of her.

“Hey, uh,” he shifted slightly beneath the weight of the elevator, wincing a bit at the press. Shattered glass shivered softly beneath him as his feet moved. “Can you, uh, not stab Raph, please…? ‘Cause that’s gonna make holding this thing up… a lot harder…”

… Ah. She supposed he had a point.

A little voice in her head said that that didn’t matter. The benefit of eliminating a member of the Hamato Clan weighed far heavier than the loss of her life would to the well-being of the Clan. Killing him, and, in turn, herself would still measure out to be a win at the end of it all.

She should kill him.

And herself.

… But she… didn’t have her kunai anyway, right? So…

Perhaps she… wouldn’t.

She was still waiting to see if her heart rate was going to slow down any time soon, finding herself a bit annoyed with how rapidly it was still banging away in her ears, the skin there throbbing as blood raced through her veins. She kept sucking in long, steadying, calming breaths, trying to push it down, but the adrenaline had not yet run its course, it seemed.

“I… Will not stab you,” she finally said, narrowing her eyes suspiciously, her body still tight and tense, muscles coiled. “IF… you do not make any attempts to harm me.”

She had no weapons, but he was one. Even if he was holding up a fucking elevator right now.

“Wasn’t planning on it,” he wheezed, his voice caught somewhere between a shaking grunt and a laugh, and she scowled. “You’re not hurt—?” He prodded once more.

“Don’t ask me that,” she snapped, bristling in response and clenching her jaw. She didn’t understand what benefit he thought he would reap by pretending to be concerned. She wasn’t that stupid.

And if he actually was concerned, and it wasn’t an act, then it simply meant that he was the stupid one, and nothing else.

“Alright, okay…!” He bit out, once again adjusting his grip slightly, rolling one shoulder forward slightly to shift the weight he was carrying from one side over the other. “… It’ll be alright. My family is… gonna come get us. Any second…”

“You don’t know that,” she scoffed.

“They will,” he insisted, though now his eyes shifted away— staring hollow at the corner of the little pocket they were now trapped inside of. Casey could just barely pick out the movement of his lips and tongue, ghosting some sort of whisper to himself in between his heaves of breath. Seven, eight, nine, ten…

Counting. He was counting to himself. From one to ten, and then again, and again.

“You’re hurt,” Casey said— not really asking, but rather stating.

“’S just heavy,” he deflected. “… ‘M fine. Raph’s sturdy.”

Raph. Right… Short for Raphael. She knew their names. Of course she did, she just… hadn’t known their nicknames until now.

Or rather, hadn’t thought of them. What would she ever care what they called each other? What they answered to?...

… But she supposed she couldn’t actually disagree.

He was sturdy before, when he was a human.

She wasn’t sure she could find the words to describe how absolutely immovable he appeared to her now. It was equal parts impressive and absolutely infuriating.

God. She hated to fucking look at him. Especially now, like this.

It somehow felt like a goddamn threat. He was holding an elevator up over her head, hunched over to provide a shelter for her body, and it felt like he was fucking threatening her.

Well, it wouldn’t work.

“I’m not afraid of you, mutant,” she snapped, her lips curling back over her teeth.

“… Alright?” He said, sounding a bit confused, and Casey bristled in offense at the audacity he had to be baffled by her completely rational statement.

“I could still kill you,” she said.

For a long moment, it was quiet. Aside from her heartbeat. And his ragged breathing.

“… I’m not tryin’ to scare you,” he said. “… Sorry.”

There was another long moment of silence.

“What’s your name?” He asked. Casey stiffened slightly.

“I don’t have a name,” she hissed, narrowing her eyes, and then absolutely snarled when he bit out a bark of laughter in response.

“What do you mean you don’t have a name?” He wheezed. “You… You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t want…!”

“I don’t have a name,” she pressed, harder this time, narrowing her eyes— hesitating for just a second.

“… The Foot Clan doesn’t have names. We renounce them,” she said after a moment. “…. We only take titles. They reflect our rank and our power. Names make you weaker.”

She didn’t know why she was telling him this. It was stupid. He didn’t deserve to know. Because she was angry that he would look down on her for it…?

Because she was still mostly convinced that they would both die down here?

“… That’s sad,” he said.

“It’s not,” she said.

“It is,” he said. “… I think it’s sad. You deserve to have a name.”

“I don’t want a name.”

“What’s your title, then?”

“… Recruit.”

“Alright, then, Recruit,” he bit out, a tiny bit of a laugh still coloring his voice. “… I’m Raph. And my family is gonna get us out of here. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep,” she growled in response, narrowing her eyes.

“I don’t,” he assured.

And then, for a while, it was quiet again.

“Are you actually eighteen?” He said, and Casey scoffed.

“YES!” She yelped in response. “What, you don’t think I am!? I am clearly eighteen! I am very obviously an ADULT!!!”

“No,” he admitted, grinning just the tiniest bit. “Not really.”

“You’re an idiot,” she accused.

“Yeah, people say that sometimes…” He mumbled with a huff. He shifted again, readjusting his grip ever-so-slightly and twisting his feet, and the metal groaned ominously above them.

Just for a second, his footing slipped, and he jerked— and for just a single moment, the top of the world was falling again, and they were both about to be crushed.

His foot hit the side of the wall, and he braced, tensing all his muscles properly once more and holding steady.

Nothing fell.

The creaking up above quieted.

“… Ow,” he muttered, quietly, to himself, shakily, jerkily moving his foot again after several long seconds of both of them not daring to move or breathe— cautiously inching it away from the wall. A smudge of blood was left behind, Casey noted.

Her heartbeat had never slowed, and she was beginning to think that it never would.

“… You’re standing wrong,” she said.

“… What?” Raph bit out, glancing over at her after a long beat of silence.

“YOUR STANCE IS WRONG,” she spat, scowling slightly and fixing him with a hard glare. This is why she had to yell— no one ever wanted to fucking listen to her when she said things, and the things she said were important. “You’re going to hurt yourself or fall like that, you’re doing everything STUPID. Move your leg this way, and twist this leg out. And bend your knee, and… and move your arm over this way a little if you can. And it’ll spread out the weight better.”

At first, Casey didn’t think he was actually going to listen to her.

And then, very, very slowly, moving at a crawl, he shifted his body— following her instructions and making the corrections until he settled into place again. He was still shaking, and still panting, but just… the tiniest bit less now.

“… This is better,” he finally said.

“Of course it is,” she huffed, shifting just enough to shoot him a glare. “God. Doesn’t the Hamato Clan teach you anything?”

“Kinda,” he laughed. “… Is this what the Foot Clan teaches you? Seems… kinda… kinda niche…”

“The Foot Clan teaches me everything,” she hissed.

“Are they, like, your family?”

And Casey hesitated. Because she wasn’t sure how to answer that.

Yes, her brain said.

No, it said immediately after.

“… They are now,” she finally settled on, squaring her shoulders slightly. “Stop asking me questions.”

“Why?”

“You’re my enemy. I’m not giving you any information.”

“We ain’t got nothin’ better to do.”

“I don’t care.”

“You can ask me questions if you want,” he said. “Raph don’t mind.”

She scowled, and he shot her a weak, shaking, almost pleading sorta grin.

“C’mon,” he bade. “… ’S easier if I got somethin’ to think about.”

She narrowed her eyes, and her frown deepened.

This is to your advantage. You can get information from the enemy, right? This is good. Come on. Focus. Stop getting distracted.

“… Are you cold-blooded?”

“… What?”

“Stop making me repeat myself. ARE. YOU. COLD. BLOODED.”

“I don’t think so?” He said with a soft snort. “… I mean. Maybe? I’m not sure.”

“How do you not know?” Casey hissed.

“Well, I don’t… I don’t usually spend a lot of time in, uh… this body…!” He bit out.

“You’re stupid.”

“Quit sayin’ that.”

“No.”

He laughed a tiny bit, shaking his head ever-so-slightly. “Why do you wanna know?”

Casey frowned. Why did she want to know?...

“… I’m just curious.”

“How old are you?” Raph asked.

“I’m eighteen. And I told you not to ask me questions.”

“You’re not eighteen.”

“I AM!!! I AM EIGHTEEN!”

“Nah! There’s no way you’re older than me!” He laughed. “You look like you’re in high school or somethin’.”

“I don’t go to school,” she growled, curling her lips with distaste. “And I am eighteen.”

“Why not?”

“I already told you,” she hissed. “I learn everything I need from my clan. Stop asking me questions.”

“Do you do, like… like, homeschooling?”

“I train.”

“You dropped out of high school?”

“I never went to high school, so I did not drop out, so there!” She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “NOW STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS. I will not answer them! You are trying to get me to reveal secrets of my clan and it WILL NOT WORK.”

“I’m not! I’m not, I swear!” He insisted. “… Man, you should go to school. I feel like you’d be good at sports--”

A distant clamber of footsteps and a horrid, wrenching cry disrupted their strained conversation.

“RAPH!”

“Dad!” Casey’s companion immediately answered in kind, his head jerking slightly towards the noise. He had sounded so eerily calm up until now. “WE’RE HERE! W-we’re okay--!”

“Oh my god they’re alive--!”

“Raph--!”

“We’re coming, holy shit, it’s okay--”

“We’re gonna get you outta there, big guy, no problem, just hang on for us--!”

Everything moved really fast after that. Casey was sure they were saying other things, all speaking over each other and crying, clambering over each other and clustered about at the very edge of the elevator to peer down at them-- reassuring him, over and over and over,

‘It’ll be okay, we’ll get you out, we’ll save you, you’re okay, we’re here now, you’ll be okay.’

For some reason, everything else was kind of far off and muddy, but those things she could still hear. They sort of echoed, bounced around in her head.

And then a hand was thrust out in front of her.

She jerked back.

“Grab my hand,” the oldest of the group pressed, and it took her a second to hear him properly, but she could if she focused. “I’ll pull you out.”

Casey bristled, pulling back slightly.

He was the only one not wearing the Hamato symbol-- but she knew he was one.

“Don’t touch me,” she spat, and again, her hands instinctively moved towards her belt with no weapon in it, as if she had somehow forgotten her early discovery.

“I do not wish to fight you,” The Hamato insisted, his voice softening a bit, gentle and reassuring. Almost paternal in a way that Casey resented. “I just need to get you out. Please.”

“Raph ain’t tryna… complain or nothin’, but do you think you could maybe hurry up so I could get outta here, too? ‘Cause unless you wanna take a turn holdin’ this you really gotta go first--”

Casey frowned.

She bit her lip.

She looked between the lot of them.

She could still refuse.

She could still attack. Even without a weapon. She could still do damage-- she might even be able to overwhelm the turtle one long enough that he might lose his grip.

She took the Hamato’s hand. It was warm in hers and surprisingly soft, despite the calluses and blisters. He squeezed her tight and firm, his fingers laced together with her own, and with one mighty heave, he yanked her up and out of the elevator shaft.

And then she was out of the elevator shaft.

And she was all by herself. Surrounded by the enemy.

There was no Foot Clan here with her. She didn’t have a little button she could press to call them. She had no weapon. It was just her and six enemies.

Every single one of them had their backs on her, all hunched over the space she had just crawled from, focused on getting Raphael out from under the shattered fragments of the elevator car. No one was paying any attention to her.

No one was looking at her.

They had all turned their backs.

For just a second, her breath was a stone in her throat.

And she turned and she ran.

---

Casey sucked in a long, steady breath. And she slowly let it back out. She adjusted her stance, allowed herself half a second to readjust her footing to something slightly more comfortable-- and then mentally scolded herself for doing so.

Focus.

Her mother said that the key to success was discipline and repetition. That practice would bring her to where she needed to go. She should have basics like this down by now, her mother had said. “You should be able to do this by now. I don’t know how to help with that.”

Her knuckles hurt, and her body was tired, but she wasn’t weak. And she didn’t give up, either.

100 reps down. 100 more. And then maybe she’d get this right. And if she didn’t-- 100 after that.

She would keep going until she got it right.

---

The walk home felt long.

Her body was, admittedly, feeling quite wrung-out and sore at this point, and it resented her for dragging it through the streets of New York, but Casey was quite good at tuning out its protests. No one bothered her, as they rarely did-- anyone who looked at her for too long typically thought better of it as soon as she met their eyes. She knew how to convince people to think twice before they approached her.

She was in no mood for pests on the streets.

Coward, she thought bitterly to herself. They were vulnerable, and you ran. Instead of attacking you fled. You could have at least tried. You might have been able to take one or two down, if you actually tried…

She was certain she would have lost the fight. But at least she would have fought.

Even managing to injure one of the Hamatos would have been more valuable than her return to the Clan. She hadn’t been surprised to find the rest of the mall devoid of life, the remaining members of her party having long fled the scene. She knew that that was what they would do. That was the correct thing to do.

She was surprised by how it stung. She thought that she knew better than that by now.

Just a day full of disappointment, then…

Though she was tempted to make a beeline back to their basecamp, she knew better, and she took the long way to ensure she wasn’t being followed by anyone. It was late by the time she arrived.

Brute had turned to look at her and gasped loudly, and though Lieutenant had a bit more self-control, she noted the way his eyebrows shot up.

“You’re back!” Brute cried in celebration, immediately moving to her side, clapping her hard on the back. Casey braced herself well enough that she didn’t stumble, though she would admit that it didn’t exactly feel good. “We thought for sure you got squished!--”

“Excellent work, Recruit,” Lieutenant observed, a bit calmer as he approached, as he often was. “We’re glad you made it back in one piece.”

“My apologies, Senseis--” Casey bit out, gritting her teeth and throwing her head down into a deep bow. “I failed to eliminate any of the Hamato Clan members!!! FORGIVE ME!!!”

The two stayed quiet for a moment, and Casey swore she could hear them exchanging looks.

“Yes, well, there’s always next time.” Lieutenant assured, patting her on the head a few times. “We’re just glad you weren’t crushed in an elevator. It is so difficult to find decent ninja trainees these days… So, well done!”

“Yeah. Go hit the showers,” Brute encouraged, offering a thumbs up and a grin.

And that was about the extent of the conversation.

Casey felt oddly numb. But she wasn’t sure why. Or what she expected.

This was praise.

She should be pleased. So she was having a hard time figuring out… why she wasn’t.

Despite this cloudiness, her head still shot up before Baron Draxum even spoke a word to her, turning sharply to meet his eyes. He didn’t flinch, and neither did she.

“I’m relieved to see you made it back to us,” he remarked, cool and thoughtful, tilting his head to the side slightly. “Losing you would have been quite the blow to our organization. It’s a shame that more effort wasn’t put in to retrieve you…”

Casey narrowed her eyes, her hackles raising.

“My senseis put the well-being of the mission first,” she spat in response, wrinkling up her nose.

“Yes, I suppose so… It’s just difficult to watch them not place more value into such a clear asset. It’s quite obvious to me that your experience and talent is… under-utilized here. You have a great deal of potential that doesn’t seem to be being taken advantage of…”

Casey didn’t quite untense, her jaw still held tight beneath her lips. And she frowned.

“...You think I have potential?”

---

Leo has no idea why he did this. Looking back at it later, he thought, what the fuck were you thinking? Not the time or place, moron. They had finally gotten back home, gotten Raph all patched up, and had been assured by him about eight thousand times that he was okay. It was only after eight-thousand-and-one, “no, really, Dad, I’m fine’s,” and a promise from everyone in the room to keep an eye on him while he was gone that their father relented just enough to escort April back to her own apartment, with the reassurance of “I’ll be right back.” Everyone was still pretty spooked, because duh, no shit, and he really should have just kept his mouth shut. That was obvious now.

Maybe he was just still shaken up over the whole evening. His brain wasn’t working right, or whatever. He’s not really sure. It just… it just happened. He just said things.

“How come you didn’t listen to me?”

The words had left his mouth before he had even processed them. Raph paused, glancing over at his brother, all four of them curled up together on the living room couch, and the unsteady peace they had been resting in just a second ago was suddenly gone.

“What?”

“Before, at the mall,” Leo continued, even though what he meant to say was ‘nothing, nevermind.’ “I told you I had a plan, and you wouldn’t listen to me.”

He could feel his brother stiffen next to him. There was a beat of silence, and then Raph heaved out a big, heavy sigh.

“There was-- there was a lot goin’ on, Leo. We can’t always do your plans--”

“But you didn’t even listen to it,” Leo pressed. “You wouldn’t even let me tell you what I was thinking.”

“Leo--”

“I had a plan,” he insisted, his mouth working all on its own. “If we had-- if we had had a plan instead of just rushing in, maybe things would have-- I dunno, have gone better?”

“It’s not--”

“If we had a plan maybe you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. You could have-- you could have gotten for-real hurt, Raph!”

“Leo, st-”

“I don’t understand why you don’t trust me enough to at least list--”

“Trust you?” Raph snapped, whipping around to glare at his younger brother. Up until now, his voice had been strained, but now it was sharp and jagged, and he absolutely bristled. Leo found himself shrinking under his gaze. “Leo, how the hell are you gonna look at me and ask me to trust you right now?! The last time I trusted you, you almost died! You tried to freakin’ kill yourself! And you expect me to trust you!?”

Leo blinked in surprise. For a moment, he floundered, his mouth gaping slightly.

“Look, that was different! And I was the only one with a plan--”

“That doesn’t mean it was okay!” Raph cried.

“I--I mean. That plan went wrong, but I thought I was gonna be--”

“No you didn’t!” Raph bristled. “You didn’t think you were gonna be okay and you know it! You knew it was risky the entire time, so don’t try and tell Raph otherwise! I might’a been dumb enough to go along with it the first time, but I’m not dumb enough to believe that now!!! So just drop it, okay?! I’m not talkin’ about this with you anymore!”

Leo opened his mouth. And then he closed it again.

‘Cause he didn’t really… know what else to say.

“Alright,” he finally said, looking down at his feet. Raph looked like maybe he still had more, but he bit his tongue, casting a long look at Leo before he finally tore himself away and stalked off. Mikey looked between the two groups, hesitating a moment, before he followed after their eldest brother with a weak ‘wait up.’

And for a moment there, it was just Donnie and him, sitting together in the awkward silence. Eventually, Leo found it in himself to speak again, laughing awkwardly, a bit bitterly, and hunching his shoulders.

“What the hell was that? Is he-- is he seriously not even gonna listen to me anymore?”

“Can you actually blame him?” Donnie said dryly, raising a brow, and Leo gawked.

“What do you mean can you blame him!? I have good ideas--”

“So?” Donnie scoffed, shrugging a bit. “It doesn’t matter if you have good ideas if they lead to you dying.”

Leo groaned loudly, rolling his eyes. “Look, I didn’t try to kill myself--”

“You kind of did,” Donnie cut off. “I mean. I understand that wasn’t your base intention, but we’re not stupid, Leo. You very obviously oversold your ability to get back down safely. You could barely stand after the Battle Nexus, and you thought you were going to be able to aim and land in a little pool of water? Not to mention that at that height, you would have been seriously injured even if the plan was entirely successful. We only went along with it because you were deceptive in what it entailed. And you could have died. Quite easily. And I don’t believe for a second that you didn’t know that,” he accused, though his tone was even and eerily calm, narrowing his eyes at the other.

Leo felt this little shiver run up his spine, and he wrapped his arms around himself. Suddenly, his feet were very interesting.

“I didn’t-- I didn’t think I would die--”

“Doesn’t matter,” Donnie dismissed. “It wasn’t okay. And just because you didn’t think you would die from this crazy, risky, self-sacrifice-y plan doesn’t mean you won’t. Or that you won’t in the next one, or the next one. So look. We’re not playing that game,” he said, his voice cold. “We’re not doing that again. So no. We don’t trust you. Obviously, we don’t trust you. You’re our brother, and we love you dearly. And that’s why we can’t trust you.”

Oh. Ow. Why the fuck did that hurt so bad? Leo’s stomach flip-flopped, and for a second, he bristled in retaliation, giving a soft little scoff.

“As if any of the rest of you wouldn’t try to pull off the same thing if you had the chance! Don’t stand there and pretend like I’m the only one in the family for a penchant for dramatics! You jumped on Angie before, too!” He hissed, throwing up his hands. “You guys would all try to take the bullet, too!”

Donnie shrugged.

“Yeah. Maybe. But I wouldn’t trick the rest of you into setting it up.”

Leo grit his teeth.

“We all trusted you. And we went along with your plan,” Donnie continued, his voice hard. “We helped you. And you almost died. You could have died,” he pressed. “You’re important to us, Leo. How do you think the rest of us would have felt?”

Donnie’s brows furrowed.

“How do you think I would have felt? Or Raph?” He challenged. “How do you think Angie would have felt? Good Galileo, how do you think Angie feels right now?”

Leo kept quiet, considering this for a second, rolling the thought around in his head. And he didn’t like it.

He was suddenly getting the feeling that he had fucked up really bad over a month and a half ago, and it was just now sinking in.

“Look, I know you want to protect us,” Donnie said, crossing his arms over his chest. “We get it. Raph gets it. Of course Raph gets it, have you ever met the guy? He’s basically the world’s number one advocate for any and all ‘protect my brothers’ campaigns,” Donnie scoffed. “But that doesn’t mean that you can just throw yourself around as an expendable variable. If he hadn’t caught you, you know how much that would kill him.”

Leo groaned softly, burying his face in his hands. “Aw, man…” He muttered. “Maybe I do need a therapist…”

---

“Cut it out,” Raph said, hooking out a hand to grab Leo’s ankle as he ran past him, promptly sending his younger brother stumbling down to the ground. Leo squeaked in surprise as he fell, turning to huff and give his brother an annoyed glare.

“Why?!”

“‘Cause I said,” Raph replied easily, a teeny little grin growing on his face. “And I’m in charge.”

And it was true.

I mean, really, he had been ‘in charge’ lots of times in the past, frequently tasked with ensuring his little brothers didn’t wander off or do anything dumb. But he hadn’t ever, in all his memories, been in charge like this. Never all by himself.

He wasn’t the only one excited, he knew. All three of his brothers were nearly bouncing off the walls with joy at the prospect of being left home alone for the first time. Finally! At long last! The day every pre-teen waited for… they had the house all to themselves for the whole evening with no supervision. No babysitter or neighbor watching them for the night while their Dad was out… Just him and his brothers with a whole empty house to themselves. They could do whatever they wanted, and they had every intention of taking full advantage of the situation, like a reasonable child might.

“That’s not a good reason!” Leo protested with a scoff.

“Well, the other reason is you’re startin’ to piss Donnie off,” he hummed, releasing his grip on the other’s leg, allowing him to squirm away. Donnie was happy for the reprieve of being chased by his twin, climbing over Raph and hopping up onto the couch behind him, grabbing the nearest blanket to wrap around himself like a shield and sulk. Leo sighed loudly, rolling his eyes, clearly displeased with the end of his game, but he didn’t protest either, sitting himself back up.

“I got snacks!” Mikey announced proudly as he came bounding down the basement stairs, his arms filled with just about every form of junk food that they had in the house, and even some that Raph hadn’t even known that they had in the house. He dumped the loot down on the coffee table, and the brothers all immediately dug in, each grabbing at chips, Capri Suns, and ice cream containers and laying their claim.

“What are we gonna watch?” Mikey asked excitedly, curling up on the couch, bouncing up and down in place.

“Whatever we want,” Raph replied smugly from his own placing on the floor, continuing to scroll through the channels, remote in hand. “We just gotta find somethin’ that looks--”

“OH!” Leo gasped from the couch, jumping slightly and pointing at the TV. “Let’s watch the new Batman movie!!! Look! It’s barely even started!!!”

Mikey hesitated for a second, his brows knitting. “But Dad said we’re not allowed to watch that,” he fret.

“Which is exactly why we should!” Leo had countered. “We’re home alone. We can watch whatever we want. Besides, Batman is cool!”

“Do you think we’d get along with him if we met him?” Mikey questioned with a thoughtful sigh.

“Maybe,” Donnie said, shrugging a bit.

Raph furrowed his brows just a bit as he deliberated. Hm. Well. Leo did make a pretty compelling argument. They were home alone. Therefore, they could do whatever they wanted! Besides, he wasn’t afraid of a dumb movie, especially not a superhero movie.

“Alright. Batman it is!” He agreed, clicking definitively on the remote to select the channel before tossing it aside.

And goddamn, did he feel cool.

That lasted for maybe about forty minutes.

And the movie was cool! I mean. At first. But then evening had turned into night, and it had gotten dark outside. Even worse-- it had begun to rain. It rained hard, too, and Raph heard thunder rumble off in the distance, shaking the house ever so slightly. And the further into the plot of the movie they got, the more Raph began to understand why it was rated “R.”

They watched the whole thing, with all four of them frozen in place the whole time. It wasn’t until the credits rolled that Raph finally swallowed, turning his head slightly to glance at his younger brothers.

He was almost relieved to see that they were about as terrified as him. It wasn’t a scary movie, per se, there were no jump scares, it was just…

That was really messed up, what the Joker did to those people!!! Okay!?

Mikey was absolutely clinging to Leo for dear life, his eyes lined with tears, and Donnie had all but disappeared under his blanket, peering out cautiously from within. Even Leo looked shaken, even as he swallowed, forcing a very shaky, half-hearted laugh.

“Whoa. That was… cool,” he forced, even though he looked sort of like he was going to throw up. “Right, guys--?”

Thunder cracked outside and all four of them jumped. Mikey straight up shrieked, burying his face against Leo’s shoulder, and Raph had half a mind to leap up and throw himself into a pile with his brothers and hide there.

But he steeled himself, just barely catching his nerves before they launched him into a panic, his hands curling into determined fists.

He was in charge. Remember?

“It’s-- it’s just the storm, guys. It’s alright,” he tried to soothe, fighting to keep his voice steady. “It’s fine--!”

“THEY BURNED A GUY’S FACE OFF!” Mikey wailed tearfully in response, and Raph winced.

“Mikey, chill! It’s just a movie!” Leo insisted, a nervous grin on his face. “I mean. N-none of it’s, like, real, or anything!”

“What if it was?!” Mikey squeaked. “What if it’s based on a true story or something!? Or what if someone else watches it and it inspires them to break into people’s houses and put bombs in their chests!? And what if they come here and cut us open and put bombs in our chests!?”

“That’s… Highly improbable,” Donnie bit out, and Mikey whimpered.

“But it could happen!!!”

Raph grit his teeth, inhaling deeply, and then slowly letting the breath back out.

“It’s gonna be fine, Mikey. Leo’s right. It was just a movie. You don’t gotta be scared,” he insisted. He could tell his brothers weren’t quite convinced. He scooped up the TV remote again, switching the television over the cartoons. It was just re-runs of something they had seen before, but what did it matter? “Here. Hang on. I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going!?” Mikey squealed.

“Raph’ll go double-check to make sure no one can get in,” he said. “So you guys know for sure we’re safe. Alright? I’ll be right back.”

Mikey whimpered, but none of them had protested, watching with wide eyes as he approached the stairs. And if Raph was being totally honest with himself…? He really didn’t wanna go up there.

‘Specially not by himself.

But he had little brothers to protect. A part of him told him that they weren’t in any danger, but another bit said what if they were?! What if Mikey was right and someone came and broke into the house or something!?

He was in charge. Dad left him in charge. And he had to make sure that they were all safe and could handle anything that came their way.

So that meant he had to go double-check.

Biting the insides of his cheeks, he made his way up the stairs.

Somehow, the house seemed darker than usual, even though it was just the same as it always was. Rushing slightly, Raph hurriedly made his way to the front door to check it. And, just as he had expected, it was locked. Just like it was supposed to be. The back door was locked, too, and Raph sighed softly in relief.

He checked all the windows, all the way up to the attic on the fourth floor. He checked every single room to make sure there was no one hiding inside, either. He grabbed blankets from each of their beds, as well as one of his stuffed teddy bears, and did a final sweep on his way back down to the Lair.

“It’s okay!” He assured as he made his way back down the stairs, re-joining his younger brothers. “I checked everything, and there’s no way anybody could get in!”

“Are you sure!?” Mikey questioned, his eyes wide. “What if someone tries to break in or something?”

“I’m sure,” Raph assured firmly. “Raph checked all the locks. And the windows! And look. I got extra blankets and stuff, too,” he added, tossing the covers over the couch and over top of his brothers. “Here. You guys scoot over, and we can play Mario Kart until Dad gets home,” he said, glancing down at his siblings with a grin. “And once he’s here, no one would be dumb enough to mess with us anyway! So don’t worry.”

---

For the thousandth time in this day alone, Yoshi wondered if it would be wiser to pull his children out of school, out of all their various sports and extracurriculars, and keep them home instead, with him, where it was safe. Or at least safer. Where he could keep his eyes on them and know that, if nothing else, he could act should anything happen. They would have more time for training, too, he sometimes noted, but that thought alone made every nerve in his body twist in on itself.

How could he do that to them? The thought of keeping them here, away from school and from friends and from hobbies, and training instead made him feel sick to his stomach. The idea of training alone made him sick. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was his eldest child falling away from him.

He had tried at least a dozen times now to say, “no, no more of this, I won’t allow you to be involved any longer,” and every time his (darling, wonderful, beloved) bullheaded children resolutely denied him and insisted that they would find a way to be involved whether he liked it or not. And while he hemmed and hawed over somehow taking more drastic measures to keep them safe, over how he could possibly achieve this and if it was possible to do so without them resenting him for the rest of their lives, time marched on with the same degree of stubbornness.

It was impossible not to feel like he was running out of time.

The apartment was too quiet. He resented himself for being in the safety of it when his children were not, even if they left of their own volition.

Yoshi sighed deeply, and found himself sinking down into his reclining chair before he even knew he was doing it. Internally, he scolded himself. There were things that needed to be done; housework that needed doing, phone calls that needed to be placed, and children out in the world that he had to keep track of, even if they weren’t home at the moment… (All the more reason to stay on his toes…) but honestly, he was just…

Tired.

It had been some time since he had been able to sleep at night, and he was beginning to think that melatonin was a scam or something. How could he sleep? How was he meant to sleep at night with everything looming over him, dripping wetly down his spine, burning and hot and threatening…? When the safety of both the world and his family hung in the balance, and each were equally as precious…? He grumbled softly to himself, leaning his head back and staring up at the ceiling, glowering at it as though it were personally responsible for the current state of his world.

He had only intended to sit for a while. Just to take a moment to rest, to get a chance to breathe before he got up again and continued with all the things he still had to be on top of…

But he must have fallen asleep.

Because the next thought he had was,

Oh. This hasn’t been familiar for a while.

Not just the place-- he hadn’t been here in many, many years. This long, endless expanse of inky darkness, somehow warm and cozy despite the utter, infinite darkness of it all. He could hear whispers off in the distance, just barely tickling up against the edges of his brain. He hadn’t been in this place in a long time.

But it was also him. Looking down at his own hands, outlined in this soft white light, he noted the differing shape to him. How the wrinkles were gone from his knuckles, and each digit instead extended out smooth and slender, calloused but confident, and yet perfectly manicured.

He didn’t have to look to know that the rest of him was this way, too.

It almost felt odd to be back in the body he had inhabited in his twenties; to look like Lou Jitsu the Actor again, to feel like him. Back before the mutation. Back before the Nexus-- to feel like a young man with a career and dreams and ambitions, to be that person once more who had broken away from their family and escaped, and who held onto all the hurt and guilt of it, but who kept moving anyway. That person that he used to be, but couldn’t be anymore.

It almost felt odd. But somehow, it didn’t-- not quite. He noted it, was aware of it, and thought to himself, hm. This is certainly interesting… But really, it didn’t feel all that strange to him. It felt completely natural.

He felt so calm. He was sitting here, surrounded by nothing but darkness and his own aura, a halo of snow white silhouetting him. His body was different from what it had been a few moments ago, but he felt completely at peace. That almost felt odd, too, but still didn’t quite. It didn’t bother him that his body was different now. If anything, it was a comfort.

He wondered for a second why in the world he was here again, after so much time, when a voice rang out from behind him.

“Welcome back, Yoshi.”

Blinking in surprise, Yoshi turned to face the other occupant of his dream.

[ next ]

273 notes · View notes

suusoh · 5 months ago

Note

i wanna know what’s your theory on what happened to johan after the ending since it’s up to the audiences imagination yk?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING MY THOUGHTS ON THIS ANON! I give you kiss ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎ I'm going to diverge more on headcanons of him in another post. These are just my nonsensical interpretations of Johan after monster.

(tw: talks of multiple suicide attempts (all failed though don't worry))

Another anon of mine sent another similar ask (will post said ask shortly as it dwelves more into the x reader aspects hehe) gave the description of post-monster/ post-rurenheim johan as "a juxtaposition to his regular omnipotent self" which is a 1000% perfect way on how I'd describe him post-monster/post-rurenheim.

I really do believe that although he still has a prowess for manipulation skills and psychology after monster, he wouldn't have as much charisma as before. Part of his godly charisma came from the fact that he himself has no identity so he can fine tune himself to anyone (presenting himself with such a pleasing expression and personality, his agreeability with some would come from his own lack of personall thoughts). But now that he's got his own individuality and a name, he wouldn't bother with being agreeable anymore, as it isn't as natural for him anymore.

It's kind of why he doesn't even bother keeping a soft smile anymore at the end of monster when he was confronting dr tenma. He's not trying to be approachable anymore, and instead opts to actually showing how he's feeling rn. Instead of just using a pleasant expression as a placeholder on his face. I mean just look at the stark difference:

All the trauma and stress has finally catched up to him and has even taken a PHYSICAL toll on his body as well. I haven't noticed it before as I thought it was just an art style, but you can can notice that over time after he uncovers his past since the library, his face actually starts growing eye bags

like he is TIRED. He cannot do this anymore, he's burnt out. Which is the number one characterization I would give him post-monster.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE when he is interpreted as still having that small serene smile on his face and living his life calmly after monster. I subscribe to that characterization and would write him like that too, especially if we're going to interpret it as it being second nature or muscle memory for him to have that politeness. —It's just another part of me loves the idea that him being slightly rude and unapproachable even. A part of his reclaiming of his own humanity, is him not keeping up appearances anymore. He doesn't need to keep up politeness and being friendly anymore.

Another thing I can see him doing for a while is actually being quite... listless? If that makes sense. Like he would just do a good solid nothing for a while. Walk around in parks and other places trying to take in the world around him again. Trying to grasp life after losing his inner monster/kinderheim programming/fucked up coping mechanism.

He might try bars now and other social gatherings to see the hype and try to feel something. But maybe it just makes him feel all the more alienated and detached from society. Imagine being surrounded by so much people but still feel so alone. He'd feel all the more disconnected from humanity.

--- talks of suicide start here ---

Kind of dark here but I think this might lead him to trying to attempt at ending his life again. He sees it so pointless now and his entire focal point has been shattered

He knows him and his sister aren't the same people anymore, he knows that he doesn't have to keep living his life as her shadow/half a person/the "worse" version of her. But man... after 20+ years of living like that it's really gonna hit once you realise that you can't do your sole life goal anymore...

His despair might come in the form of him genuinely not knowing how to live. Throughout monster it kinda felt like he was on autopilot, his own individuality and sense of self taking a backseat. So imagine out of nowhere the plane's crashing and you're suddenly put in the driver's seat all of a sudden when, you didn't even bother learning how to drive or fly this thing in the first place because 1.) You were convinced you didn't need to drive ever, you were forcefully stuffed in the plane's cargo by adults who traumatized you, 2.) You didn't even know you'd be flying this long.

(sorry for the plane analogy i'm just rambling my raw thoughts 💀 but yes man is lowkey crashing and burning)

If we're gonna put it in a smaller more related level, imagine your entire life you grew up trained to be like...like an archaeologist or something, like your childhood bedroom had archaeology stuff, you were raised to study archaeology and only archaeology, you excelled at it, you had the gear for archaeology, you're in college studying archaeology and even having a specific vision in your mind of you being an archaeologist....the only thoughts you grew up with is you and archaeology.

Only to find out from nowhere that you never actually were into archaeology. And that you liking archaeology (aka your hobby/interest, your entire IDENTITY) was conditioned and instilled into you by weird freaky scientists when you were a child. You find out that you actually had a personality BEFORE archaelogy, and now you're 20 and you've spent more than a decade of your life dedicated to archaeology only to find out that maybe this whole time archaeology isn't even a thing you liked in the first place.

yeah that's basically the library revelation. HAFHDJAH archaeology being his "monster".

And now you're wandering through life, that isn't about you being an archaeologist..... OF COURSE YOU'D FUCKING DESPAIR. What are you even supposed to do now????

But funnily enough, Naoki Urusawa says that monster is actually a dark comedy in his eyes (Lmaooo just as I thought. I was giggling watching monster), so in true shakespearean tragic-comedy fashion, Johan's attempt here might become a fail. Divine intervention if you will.

But worry not friends, as this suicide attempt of his was made when his monster was gone, where his coolness and emotional detachment are also gone. So I think him doing a suicide attempt post-monster might actually, in some miraculous roundabout way.... scare him a bit for the first time.

I think the scene/poem "The View from Halfway Down" from "Bojack Horseman" is the best way to describe how I see he'll start feeling things.

He'd wonder why his heart is beating suddenly and why a cold sweat is forming on his face and on his palms, and why his breathing is out of control. He's confused as hell as to why his adrenaline spiked up. He walked on the ledges of rooftops, the number of times he's had guns pointed at him is more than the fingers on his hands, he died twice for goodness sakes. So why?...why is he feeling this all of a sudden? he'd start to grow a bit frustrated because this doesn't. make. sense.

If we're still gonna go with the dark comedy route, we could write him as him trying and trying again to off himself💀i'm so sorry. I'm just rolling with Urusawa's vision here of him saying monster is a dark comedy. Each time Johan attempts with ending his life, it would just fail.

But if he got spooked off on his first suicide attempt post-monster, he'd probably stop after that one. Not because he wants to keep living, but because his stupid (incredible) brain chemicals keep making his body hesitate to off himself.

He'd be pissed at his own fear. I could see him actually almost tearing up in frustration at what's happening. He's never had to deal with shit like this before, he never hesitated, he never had to feel fear, hell— he didn't even have to LIVE before. He wasn't actually living during his time as "Johan Liebert". He didn't get the same agency to fully explore and navigate his own life in his own time like every other human being. He doesn't want to try. He just wants to end himself— and he can't even do that anymore. He's so frustrated, and pissed, and he's honestly just so... lost.

Buuuut! To quote Tom Hanks from "Castaway":

I was gonna die there, totally alone. I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen. So... I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself. I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me. And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I-I - , I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail."

He'd then sigh softly and shake his head...maybe let out a small sardonic laugh. Ah, how fate really does love to mess with him. Some higher being out there is really taking the piss with him, wasn't it? Because maybe.... just maybe. He kind of realises that Dr. Tenma and Nina were right.

I think this is the point where he'd kinda like.... cancel out nihilism WITH nihilism.

" I found everything pointless... until I realised even that was pointless" kinda vibe

Hope this satisfied your question anon! My thoughts are not organized here so pardon :)! Also please excuse if my tone in the more serious parts sounds a bit too light.

Thank you for reading and and asking me anon! ˘ ³ ˘ mwuah!!