#turns out she's gone so i guess it was
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watching the first 2 episodes of frieren last year shook me so bad i still can't get myself to continue it, but between what i remember of it and the nightmares episode of dungeon meshi i can't stop thinking about the ways laios would prepare marcille for his death. what would he leave behind to remind her that he (and by extension all the people she loved and who loved her) are still with her in spirit, even if not in body?
#dungeon meshi#laios touden#marcille donato#i'm a laios & marcille are a secret third thing that can't be defined by language truther but make of this what you will i guess lol#if falin does turn out to have an extended life span due to dungeon shenanigans laios would rest easier but he'd def still worry#dungeon meshi spoilers#she might come across the regenerated kensuke at some point but that one was an accident 😅#i still think he'd train some dogs to accompany her#maybe make a promise w one of the castle staff & their family to keep training dogs through generations so there'll always be a rag for her#would he leave annotations in her magic tomes for her to find years down the road?#oh and he'd rope everyone else in definitely#he'd ask everyone in the party and maybe even kabru et al. & toshiro et al. for good measure#oh and what i meant by frieren shaking me was w each ep i found myself sobbing uncontrollably halfway through#i loved it but it was A Lot for me emotionally#i do remember seeing a post about how one of the reasons himmel had no problem having statues of him made#was bc he was doing it partly in the hope that when frieren sees one she'll remember him & their adventures together#that their time together wasn't just a blip in her life#he may physically be gone but his memory lives on#that really resonated with me#calemonsito notes
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So you know this party banter between Aveline and Carver?
Aveline: I don't like some of the people you've been associating with, Carver. Carver: Talk to my brother/sister. He/She's the one in charge.
If you're on the rivalry path with Aveline, she says:
Aveline: Who says I don't mean him/her too? This city's full of people who are dead set on ending badly. I don't want to see you end up the same way.
I just- Aveline, you- you're so- hhhhnnnngggggg
I always rival Aveline when I play a mage, and if you think Edgar Aristide Hawke, who practically raised Carver and Bethany after Malcolm died and Leandra became a distant mother in her grief, wouldn't stop dead in his tracks at Aveline heavily implying he's a bad influence on his brother and Carver shouldn't hang around him so much since apparently Ed's someone set on ending badly...? Absolutely not.
This is another case of me wishing Hawke had the option to jump in during party banter with different options, because Ed would've chewed Aveline out for that.
Oh, and then there's:
Carver: Would asking you to stop spying on me help in the least? Aveline: No.
Aveline...................stop it.
#da2#dragon age 2#carver hawke#aveline vallen#da2 hawke#edgar hawke#listen all of aveline and carver's party banter and their relationship and the fact that they're pretty much foils DRIVES ME CRAZY#in a good way but then i get party banter like this and i stop everything i'm doing just to scream#like ed and aveline are on fairly good terms in act 1 i mean the rivalry is there but it's not too bad it's more like they just butt heads#but after leandra's death the friendship just rots and deteriorates like by the end of act 3 ed is genuinely surprised aveline#didn't turn on him and side with the templars but i guess even aveline knows what's actually right#or maybe she just doesn't want to face ed in a fight sksksks hell ed AND carver in a fight so it's easier to side with him and the mages#but anyway aveline saying that when ed's in earshot is bold but also the fact that carver doesn't actually acknowledge it#like he doesn't agree or disagree he just changes the subject to be like 'can you stop spying on me PLEASE'#like he already has no privacy while living with gamlen and now he has no privacy when he's by himself because apparently aveline's spying#also i always max out carver's friendship so he and ed are on good terms they're the brothers hawke and carver loves him#even if he doesn't outright say it you know that's what he's really saying in the last straw#when he says that he's proud to call hawke brother/sister and that's gone unsaid for too long like............ screaming sobbing throwing u#like the carver and hawke dynamic on his friendship path is sooo good that i hear aveline say that and i'm immediately ready to throw hands#btw if you're on aveline's friendship path she says 'maybe but i know you get around' instead which...........gets around where aveline???#aveline my list of beef with you grows with every playthrough i hate you but also i love you but also i want to throw you in the ocean#until you get your head out of your ass like this is a case of her being a FASCINATING character but as a person? while i'm playing ed? ugh#my lady warrior hawke adored aveline but ed is ready to fight her 24/7 sksksk
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still thinking about how each animorph's fate is directly related to how much they enjoyed the war
#animorphs#I swear I saw a post about this years ago but I don't know where it is#so I guess I'll say it again#Rachel loves the war. She flourishes in it. She self-actualizes. And it's terrible#She and her friends don't even know what peacetime Rachel would look like. *Can* she even exist outside of the war?#And it turns out#No! She can't! Peacetime Rachel never comes to pass! She dies before the war is over!#While Ax. Ax is relatively unbothered. He did enlist in the Andalite military after all. He's not as haunted as the rest of them#After Rachel dies he's the next. Peace comes but he chases the echoes of the war and it ends him.#In some awful way where he's gone but he's not. Not exactly dead but absorbed into a greater hive mind#And of course Cassie hates the war. Hates fighting hates killing hates it the whole way through#And when it's over she manages to move on. She spends her days saving the environment#And when battle again comes knocking at her door she says no#She says goodbye. She knows she'll never see the rest of them again.#Because the rest. They hate the war but not as much as Cassie.#And they try to move on but unlike Cassie they can't.#So off they go to enter into another war. And maybe they survive but maybe they don't#Leaving only Cassie as the real survivor of the war. Alone on Earth while her friends all went to die in space#goddamn#I hated the last book as a kid#I still wish they had a happier ending#but there's so much to chew over and cry about#it's a really good ending
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apparently i have a half sister???
what the fuck???
#???#the secret world of merry mac#apparently my mom facebook-stalks her????? ''oh yeah she looks just like [your dad]'' ??????????#does she???? i don't know????? turns out i don't know what my dad looks like either i guess?????#i've always coasted through life thinking that everyone else has family drama but not me...#and now there's 2 whammo! situations in this one week right here#wham sitch no. 1: danny uninvited me to his wedding bc he's mad that i said Bad Words on the phone to him while i was driving#(we were supposed to meet at an exit on the freeway so i could hand over some stuff he'd left at my mom's house. literally the only info#he gave me was: ''meet me at Ridgegate Parkway exit'' and it turned out there's FUCKING NOTHING at that exit. there wasn't#anywhere to even pull over. no parking lots no nothing. so i was talk-to-texting and i'd already been driving for 6 hours and I HAD#KEPT HIM UPDATED AS TO WHERE I WAS so there was no lack of information on my part. APPARENTLY i was supposed to psychically#intuit that i should have gone to the Park N Ride parking lot off the exit. i did not intuit this and therefore had no idea i should have#been looking for that. so i was upset and driving around in circles in rush hour traffic in Lone Tree CO where everyone drives $50K#SUVs and they drive them aggressively. Danny of course thinks this is MY fault because i didn't pick up the phone to call him and#ask for more information apparently. reminder: i was driving. 99% of my driving was on the mf freeway doing 80mph. i wasn't going#to open the phone then open my contacts and then scroll down to his name and then make a call. talk to text was already dumb and#dangerous to do but it was a lot easier to glance at the phone or make it read a text to me than it was to make a phone call and play#20 Questions about where the fuck i was supposed to meet him.)#y'know if he had just said ''hey meet me at the Mod Pizza by the IKEA'' that would have been fine!! literally all the info i needed!#but noOo he had to be the smartest smuggest person in the chat and give me only partial information)#wham sitch no. 2: apparently i have an older half sister who looks just like our shared father. huh.
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I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
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#personal#i guess for those following this uh... Situation NDNDNDMMDMX#today was the last day LOL. he was gonna sit beside me during the exam#... but the teacher moved him NDNJDMDMDMDMDMDMDMMD#then.... he finished before me.... i was like oh fuck. but i was like oh what if hes waiting for me....#but i was also like GET IT TOGETHER GURL. UR AT AN EXAM#so i GOT IT TOGETHER (mostly)#and when i finished he was gone 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#HOWEVER.... me n one of my other friends had to work on a group project so we stayed back then went out n ate#she knows i like him. n at some point i was like man... if only he had waited. he could have come with us#n she was like...... !!!!!! he did wait !!!!!!!!!#and i was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAA#so it turns OUT..... that this other guy i was friends with (no longer bc 1. he was using me for my hw and 2. he was mean to the guy i like#DEMANDED to know why the guy i had a crush on didnt answer in the big group chat about dinner n he was like..... uh i have an exam the#day after ??? (and ok insider info here.... he told me he never wanted to see any of them ever again LMAO. so i wasnt surprised at all.#thought it was so fucjin funny bc man he really kept to his word by not answering JDJDJDJJDJDJDl)#but ya he left after that !!!!!!!! so !!!!!! wa !!!!!!!! im just 🥺🥺🥺 !!!!! like he WAS waiting for me but GOD that asshole im just......#>:[[[[[[[[#bc u know !!!! thats not the first time he's (for lack of a better word) cockblocked us !!!!!!!!#but it somewho ends up bringing us closer in a way. idk NDJXJXJJZJZJZJZJZ#im just.... ya i messaged him n we talked for a bit.... he still has an exam left so im gonna leave him alone til hes done#really hope he lets me know how it goes AH#but ya............ idk man idk. im gonna have to grow some huge balls n ask him to meet up. bc if i dont....... lol my only other chance is#graduation in february.............#n e way NDNNDNDNDNDNNDND
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am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes
#that being said. pressurized cabins drive me insane a little bit#and also it gives you pretty intense sea legs for a While#like. the ones from the first trip hadnt gone away by the return one. so. might be stuck with that for a few days#we shall see#also ajr live fucks severely#the albums were already incredible but that was a goddamn religious experience#like. idk the way i think abt it is theyre more djs than a regular band esp w their performance showing the making of way less sad#like their music is very electronic‚ theyre making mixes of their own sound effects more than singing in one go#so like. the vocals were a teeensy bit rough at times#notably times it has taken me Literally Hundreds Of Hours Practice to be able to consistently sing along with#and times ive found its literally physically impossible to like. no matter what#idc how big your lungs are‚ there is no human on earth who can do that final run of karma in one breath#much less to An Entire Stadium After An Hour Of Jumping And Dancing And Singing Loud As Fuck#so like i dont blame them for that‚ you dont go to live shows expecting it to be 100% perfect anyways jwbdjsbfksb#the trumpet however. well she was certainly playing sometimes. and was very enthusiastic about her flares.#however. in most of their songs they use midi trumpets to my ear at least#meaning she was likely an addition specifically for live performances and in my personal band kid opinion#prooobably was not in any of the like. higher tier bands? idk just. a lot of the mistakes she was making were hitting as stuff that got#taught out of us the instant we joined any band beyond regular concert#so i would guess she was probably just like. a friend who happened to play trumpet in high school or maybe even just middle school#and they knew that the trumpet parts in their pieces were big and distinct enough that like they /had/ to get a live player#and just kinda. didnt anticipate the audition -> performance gap#like. her tone was really fried the whole time like she was playing as hard as possible#which. she was mic'd. have the sound guy turn her up.#the way they did it made it sound like she was using a mute but not. like she only got the bad parts of a mute from it yknow#her tempo and timing were. bad. theres no nice way to put that one it just Was Bad‚ like the trumpet runs in ajr songs arent. complicated#like. quite literally if you handed me the sheet music right now i would have it down perfect in a week at absolute most#and better than that player on sightread. like. we did so many sightreading drills.#like ill share my band kid creds if anyone cares but i need to emphasize this isnt me being braggy like. they genuinely just arent hard#fuck im out of tags. w/e i think only like one of yall also listens to them anyways so i can leave it there
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Feeling kind of hollow today
#it was my birthday#which as an adult has generally not gone well so I’ve become very neutral about it#and everyone at work was so lovely#which put how my family was in contrast#so I had a lovely lunch at work with a card from all my coworkers and a cake and crumbl cookies#but in the afternoon at my desk it sunk in AGAIN that I feel more cared for at work than I do at home#not that I care about an actual celebration just being kind and acknowledging it#but when I heard ‘happy birthday’ from each colleague today it felt so genuine#everyone asked how my day was going how old I was turning#and I didn’t expect or ask for anything#didn’t expect or ask for anything at home#but it’s the fact that my mom only decided last minute to get a cake because my brother asked her if we were having cake#I would’ve been fine if she hadn’t gotten a cake I don’t even like cake that much#it’s the fact that it was an afterthought#if she had like actually asked me ‘do you want a birthday cake’ it would’ve been one thing#but she called me and said ‘your brother asked me if we were having cake so I guess I’ll see what they have at the grocery store’#when she does something nice for me on purpose she uses it for a guilt trip#and when she does something nice spontaneously it’s always in a way that makes me feel like an inconvenience#and I need to move out of this fucking house
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every so often i go back to thinking about that one partner i had when i made my first non-group rp blog ( over a decade ago ), who presented me with the statement "i love writing with you when i want something simple i don't need to concentrate on and i can't be bothered to format things" as if it was like... the highest compliment they could ever give me.
#i was just an only child of the universe ( out )#at the time i was so happy but as i grew as a person and as a writer i realised just how... backhanded that was?#like wow - you're basically saying i'm giving you the written equivalent of cauliflower. thanks so much#you're gonna eat it just because it's on your plate but you wouldn't really miss it if it was gone?#whereas she was more into purple prosey things so i guess that's like the caviar of rp lmao#tbd#it's just late night thoughts that turn into rambles y'know
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May not feel great rn but tomorrow I get to see my best friend and we’re exchanging gifts and then afterward I’m going with my sister to pick up a cat
#I don’t talk about this best friend on here a lot lately but he’s great and I love him#platonically and romantically#I’ve had a crush on him for uhh 9 years teehee#he doesn’t know I still feel that way or at least I hope he doesn’t because I don’t wanna make him uncomfy#we dated back in 2013 but I was a pos then and cheated on him because I give in to peer pressure#I’m serious about that btw like the chick that convinced me to cheat when we were official I went over to a friends house and she thought I#would cheat on her because I was so easy to convince the first time lmao#anyway that was forever ago and I am very very different now and would kill past me tbh for that teehee#this is the best friend that stayed with me after I cut off everyone because they stayed friends with my abuser#he’s literally the fucking best and I love him so much and I hope we always stay friends despite my Crazy lol#but also CAT INFOOOO okay so me and my sister went to our local pet store and they partner with a specific shelter? idk I can’t give the#name out because the only pet store listed on their website is the one we go to and that’s too much info about where I live lmao#ANYWAY I was more just showing her the two 4 month old brothers I saw the other day because they’re cute and I was hoping I’d see they were#adopted which they weren’t but they’re chatty kittens they’ll be gone soon tbh probably snatched up for Christmas#but so I had just been there two days ago on the 16th and we went on the 18th and one new cat was there#a 1 1/2 year old black cat named Morticia!! she was so cute they had a hot pink collar and bell on her and her file said she gets along well#with dogs and other cats (perfect for us we live with our parents still so full house) and it said she loves to be held and talked to ☹️☹️☹️#and her arrival date? the 16th so I just missed her but ALSO that’s one of our family dog’s birthday he turned 5 that day!!#also learned today Morticia had three kittens who have all been adopted and you’ll never guess their names#Wednesday pugsly and thing teehee#the fact that cat is just named Thing is so fucking funny#anyway my sister was petting her and she rolled into it ☹️ got head scratches and ear rubs and THEN I was filling out the application for he#while we waited for our parents to call us back and Morticia LAID HER HEAD IN MY SISTERS HAND ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#so yeah my sister fell in love and the naming matches so well with her other cat who is about 2 years old now who’s a long haired tortoise#named Magnolia !! she’s a really chill cat who when it comes to other cats if the cat likes her she likes the cat but she’s also the younges#cat we have rn but my cats half adore her and half dgaf like my older two just want to be left alone by the animals and loved on by humans#but my younger two (8 and 5) still act like babies and run around like kittens so they love magnolia and she loves them so I have no doubt#Morticia is gonna fit in just fine and we don’t have to change her name!!#idk about y’all but we like always change our pets’ names when we adopt them and sometimes I’m glad we do because we have an anxious big#mutt doggie and we named him Chimmy which worked out well because he’s kinda silly and goofy and yknow neurodivergent but his og name?
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Got called mopy and moody and an overall killjoy for not enjoying the one (1) party experience I had in February of last year cuz I kept getting left alone at a party so I just sat and had nachos 🤙🏻🤙🏻🤙🏻
#it all started cuz I am still confused on what we’re doing for this weekend cuz bestie here isn’t articulating clearly#I ask about Halloween and she says they’re going to the club cuz no one goes on a Tuesday#I wouldn’t know I’ve never gone to one since I don’t ever wanna go alone and no one asks#then she said it’s for a friend’s birthday AFTER I asked if we should take the birthday girl out to a rage room or axe throwing cuz the bday#bday girl had shown interest in it before but it got shut down fast#by this point I still don’t know what club they wanna go to let alone what day but I do get told that since I tire out faster then them#that I’ll have to go home alone and that is just raining alarms in my head cuz I’m guessing it’s in Toronto and they’ve turned into Gotham#it’s such a shit show during the day so I know it’s gonna be worse at night with the cover of darkness#and did she not hear of that story of these 2 girls who nearly got TRAFFICKED BY THEIR UBER???and she wants me to use one alone??#in toronto???? bro I ain’t risking shit for some place I don’t know the name or address for#and says that she’s been clear this whole time on what’s going on and doesn’t want a repeat of last time#when idk if it’s just me but the only clear thing here is that I’m not really wanted for the night out#cuz clear would be saying where and when and also who and how which I never got any of that but she keeps saying she did tell me but didn’t#the first written convo was just her asking the birthday girl if they should dress up as tiana and Belle#and I ask if they’re gonna wear gowns cuz it’s gonna be cold out#all she says is we’ll be inside and when I ask I get no answer just more costume suggestions the next day#the second time it’s breathed is when we’re on the phone and I ask about what we doing for Halloween#she says that we’re clubbing and I ask if we ain’t doing anything else like the seasonal shit we can’t do any other time#she just says no and tells me I can stay home after I suggest a few things and she calls them childish#like going to a haunted corn maze or the Halloween event at casa loma cuz yes getting spooked is childish#I even threw in axe throwing cuz bday girl has been stressed and thought she might like it#then today I ask if I should go up for the weekend cuz idk wtf is going on still and it’s been almost 2 weeks and there’s a mini argument in#the group chat with her saying the same 2 things. we clubbing and you’ll have to go home alone#birthday girl is just as confused on who’s going but says that on Friday we can go to a movie and dinner so I’m not left out#so at least I get somewhat of an answer on if going up is worth it or if I’m getting ditched the whole weekend#so at least if I’m going back up I can make plans to hang out with her brother and whoever else wants to hang#idk maybe see a movie or go to the mall or something#like shit at least give me all the info to decide if I wanna go especially music cuz that first and last party did not have good music tbh#I know if at least enjoy myself at a 90’s/2000’s party cuz I like that but nope I don’t even get that#just club or bust essentially :/ and it seems I be bust by what she said
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an old lady came in today, followed by a frantic and hovering younger woman
Old Lady (to my coworker): “Can you see about a book I had placed on reserve?”
Younger Woman (to OL): “Ma’am, are you sure you’re alright?”
OL (to coworker): “I think it was in last week, but I didn’t get a phone call...”
YW (to OL): “I have my insurance card in my truck, are you sure you’re okay?”
OL (to coworker): “Oh, do you have a paper towel? I’ve gotten mud on your counter... I just got hit by a car.”
Me and my coworker, who had been trying to parse this relationship: “?!?!?!?!?!!?”
The Younger Woman had side-swiped the Older Lady in the parking lot and knocked her down, and the Older Lady’s priority was literally the book she put on hold. O_O
#library#the Older Lady had been walking a straight line towards the library and the truck was cruising next to her#but the OL stepped to the side to avoid slush/snow chunk in the parking lot and walked into the broad side of the YW's truck#the OL seemed to be okay but shaken and we kind of bullied her into sitting in a chair and telling us her dtr's phone number#so we called and texted the dtr who luckily lives in town and got there in about 20 minutes#and my supe called the 911 dispatch and i guess absolutely nothing else was happening in town bc the ambo was there in literally 1 minute#and fire came too (they like to feel useful) and a police traffic officer came to get statements and stuff#the OL was like 'i'll drive myself home' and i was like 'I WILL DRIVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL MYSELF'#the paramedics were absolutely wonderful with this lady. they were so gentle and kind (she was easy to be kind to... but still.)#and after all that?? the OL's book and come and gone but the phone notifications glitched last week and didn't alert anyone#so that poor OL didn't even have a book to read in the emergency room (her dtr and son-in-law came to get her)#my brother (also a paramedic) once ran a call for an older lady who was having chest pain and was afraid she had a heart attack#it turns out she did NOT have a heart attack-- she had been scrubbing her bathtub and the pressure from leaning on the side of the tub#LITERALLY BROKE ONE OF HER RIBS and she didn't know it until later that evening when it started hurting to breathe#so even though our Old Lady today didn't think anything was broken... :| she's 81. so yeah we harangued her into going to the hospital#'what did you do today merry?' 'i bullied an old woman into going to the hospital'#long tags
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ���reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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#tag talk#hey bitches. she's afk so mom said it's my turn with the body. feels good to be back. I hate half of you parasites and I'm blocking some#same with Instagram. bunch of fucking drones posting shitty memes and sending the most unfunny jokes possible. blocking most of you there#started the process of sorting some things out with her girlfriend because damn some things are unacceptable and you've gotta say something.#she gets to do the soft and useless damage control later I guess I don't fucking care. I'm not going to let us get disrespected like that.#she lets it slide but I'm done taking shit.#sent an angry email to our therapist last night as well because fucking hell how can you be so incompetent at your fucking job.#Jesus h Christ didn't you study this in school or something? yeah we've gone through multiple therapists sorry that makes you insecure???#you're not the first and from the looks of things you're not going to be the last either.#saw the psychiatrist this morning and bipolar confirmed I guess. we'll see whether the new meds make much of a difference.#I kind of don't want them to though. I like being out and finally able to sort our shit out.#feels good to finally message people and tell them how I feel. I don't get a voice much anymore#and ugh I hate having long hair so much but I have to keep it because she needs it so I'll put up with it for her sake but damn I miss short#short hair was genuinely so fucking good and the hassle of long hair is so stupidly intensive but gender dysphoria so whatever I guess#anyway bye you mouth breathers I'm off to go get this stupid-ass body showered#I hate having a penis too though. that's one thing we can both agree on. it's so stupid and it hangs out and the shape is so stupid#God should take constructive criticism and also mean criticism because I have some opinions about how shitty his design is#anyway. bye idiots#Fade is such a fucking good band they were such a good pick for the Deadman Wonderland op
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leave me again ii // rafe cameron
pairing: rafe cameron x routledge!reader (she/her), ex!jj maybank x reader
summary: you left the cut with nowhere to go. it’s rafe cameron that finds you and shows you the life you deserved to live
warnings: sorry jj lovers, that man does not get our girl back so sad jj and probably ooc rafe but i love it when that man is soft
navigation || part one
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Six months.
It had been six months since any of the Pogues had seen you. No social media, no sight of you around town, no letters. Nothing.
The past six months left you to do a lot of reevaluations. You’d walked aimlessly after the group had left for the dive with nothing but your backpack and phone, no destination in mind. Until you found one.
“Lost or something?”
“Fuck off, Rafe,” Your response was instant as you continued to walk without sparing him a look. The car shifted into a different gear, you guessed by the noise, before Rafe was hopping out to approach you.
“Are you okay?” When you didn’t answer, he moved in closer and grabbed your shoulder before turning you to face him. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong?”
You stared at him with the knowledge that you probably looked like a mess with the tear streaks across your cheeks. While Rafe had a lot of issues with your friends and brother, he usually stayed clear of you. Whether that was because you were close with Sarah, or what, you didn't know.
Twisting your fingers together, you dropped your gaze as tears started to build again. “You ever watch someone you love choose someone else over you, every single time?”
The question felt like a punch in the gut to Rafe. He had. His whole life he watched his dad choose Sarah. Watched his mom choose another family over him. Watched Wheezie choose another sibling over him.
“Get in, I’ve got somewhere to take you.”
Six months ago, you hopped in Rafe Cameron’s Range Rover and left The Cut behind. You didn’t question the decision, knowing you’d worry about everyone else before taking care of yourself, and that clearly didn’t work in the past. You felt horribly guilty about leaving John B with no indication whether you were okay or not, but you knew if one of them found out, JJ would be busting down the door to Rafe’s bedroom before you had a chance to say no.
While you weren’t sure what the original intentions had been, Rafe was so different with you after bringing you back to his new house. One he’d bought after selling Tannyhill, free from the haunting of his father and the screams that echoed off the walls, he had turned it into a safe space for himself and anyone he invited in.
Things blossomed quickly and you realized the Rafe in front of you was not the bully, coke-head addict you’d once known. He was such a gentle person, and so much more attentive to you than JJ had ever been. Whether it was making you breakfast in bed before you left for the day, or prepping a warm (actually warm, like hot water you’d hadn’t had in forever) candle lit bath, or popping an expensive bottle of wine just for you to taste, he was there in ways nobody had been. You were his girl, his only girl, and you never once had to question that.
Rafe had even invited you to sit in on his investment meetings and he was slowly pulling your name into his business so you’d have a professional background to grow into. You were steadily becoming an educated little couple in his home, something he was so proud and grateful for. He had someone to lean on for advice and give him fresh eyes on new projects with no judgment or fear of anger. The two of you soaked up your bubble of peace for as long as you could before shit hit the fan.
Little did you know, on the other side of the island with your brother, there had been absolutely no peace. John B and JJ barely spoke, everything ending in an argument when they did. Pope was sick of playing mediator, and Kie had more of less shut down out of guilt. Sarah was still searching for you, but you’d gone ghost. Cleo was treading lightly with the knowledge that everything would explode eventually.
So, they did what they could, and dove into treasure hunting. When JJ pulled the amulet out of his pocket in the back of the Twinkie, John B’s emotions were mixed. Sure, he was stoked that he’d found the object the group was looking for, but he wished you were here. It was your birthday, and John B was inches away from losing his shit without you.
“Dude, are you okay?” Pope asked as the group stood in the office area of the house, trying to find more information on the amulet’s inscription.
John B tossed the heavy object on the desk in frustration. “No, I’m not okay! We can find decades old treasure like it’s the easiest thing ever, but we can’t find jack shit about my sister? That’s bullshit, Pope. And you know it.”
Pope knew things would be sensitive today. Even JJ woke up grouchy, which John B told him was deserved since he caused your absence in the first place. The lack of your presence weighed heavy on the group, so Pope suggested going to visit one of your favorite beach spots.
Little did he know what he was getting himself into.
--
“Rafe!” The house was filled with your laughter as Rafe twirled you in the kitchen lighting, your favorite song playing from the interactive speaker on the counter. The two of you had spent the day together, visiting the country club for lunch before Rafe took you shopping for something to wear tonight.
“C’mon, sweetheart. Lemme love on you, it’s your birthday” He mumbled as he pressed soft kisses into your neck, hands squeezing your hips teasingly. The soft fabric of the dress he’d picked out covered your frame, the color matching your skin perfectly.
You hummed in content, fingers holding his biceps tightly as if your knees would give out any second. “You loved on me a lot this morning.”
“Can’t help it.” Rafe’s thumb traced your bottom lip before he kissed you softly. “You make it so easy.”
The two of you got lost in each other for a few more moments, soaking up the quiet as the orange sunset started casting through the windows. Today had been the best day you’d had in so long and you were so grateful of Rafe for giving you so much patience and love.
It had taken time for you to adjust to this kind of life. You walked in here with three outfits to your name, a busted cell phone, and a stuffed animal John B won you at the town festival as kids. And Rafe embraced every bit of it, let you keep your Pogue pieces while building you a life around it that was filled with items you needed but would never ask for, all while loving you so gently.
You climbed out of his car (technically the one he’d bought you but you refused to acknowledge that), and stepped down into the soft sand below. This was your spot, the spot you came to whenever you needed to clear your head or take a moment alone. You’d shared it with Rafe shortly after everything changed, and now, it was a shared spot that you both considered special.
Rafe moved around the car to grab your hand and guide you toward the area he had organized for the two of you. A small white table had been set up with your favorite snacks and two glasses of wine, surrounded by the fluffiest blanket and pillows you’d seen.
“Did you do this?” You squeezed his hand tighter, tears in your eyes at how sweet and thoughtful the gesture was. Your jaw dropped as the two of you walked closer; everything was thought out down to the tiny forks you loved so much being there to pick up the appetizers.
“Course I did, baby.” Rafe kissed your temple softly and grabbed one of the glasses to hand to you before taking hold of his own. You clinked your glass against his, leaning up on your tiptoes to kiss him deeply in appreciation.
And then everything went to shit.
“What the fuck?”
Rafe’s hand tightened against your lower back, both of you looking over to see the handful of figures standing a few feet away. Your heart went to your throat went you made eye contact with your brother, whose hand was wrapped in Sarah’s. JJ stood behind him along with Kiara, Pope, and Cleo, all of them looking at you expectantly.
“Shit,” You whispered and took a step back from Rafe, eyes meeting his in dread. His expression had hardened at the sight of JJ, all the anger rushing back when he thought about how you’d been treated in the relationship, how unfair everything had been. You clocked the frustration in his gaze and placed your fingers on his cheek to redirect his focus back to you. “Don’t. I’ll handle it.”
Rafe’s jaw ticked but he didn’t argue as you slipped your wine glass back into his hand and left his side to approach the group standing in front of you. You weren’t even worried about JJ or Kie, you were worried about John B more than anything.
“Hi,” The greeting was so quiet you almost didn’t hear yourself. How do you talk to people you disappeared on six months ago?
John B’s only response was to pull you into the tightest hug he had ever given. You stumbled with the force of his body colliding with you before regaining your balance and returning the embrace.
“You’re okay,” He repeated the words to himself as if convincing his mind that they were true before stepping back and holding your cheeks in his hands. The smile on his face was huge, and you were so so confused. “Holy shit.”
“Hi,” You laughed quietly, placing your hands on top of his. “I’m so sorry.”
John B shook his head, his thumb brushing the random tear from your cheek. “Don’t be sorry. I told you to take a break, yeah? And you did.”
You glanced back to where Rafe was surprisingly conversing with Sarah with no anger in sight. The pit in your stomach slowly disappeared as you took them in and turned your attention back to John B. “I um… there’s a lot to catch you up on, and I want to tell you. I wanna tell you all of it, JB, but-”
“And I wanna hear it,” He reassured softly. “But someone put a lot of effort into your night and I don’t wanna steal any of it.”
You were so goddamn grateful for your brother. Pulling John B into another hug, you spared the look over his shoulder to see Kiara stomping away from the beach. You tried to keep a smirk off your face but it definitely made its way through.
Stepping back from John B, you shared hugs with Cleo and Pope, promising that you would see them soon before you were face to face with the reason you made it here in the first place. JJ looked rough. His hair was chaotic, arms thinner than you remembered, and he just looked tired.
“I don’t want your apology,” You spoke as he opened his mouth. “And it looks like you have a girlfriend to go find anyway.”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” JJ replied quickly as he stared at you. “Not anymore.”
You pulled your lips in and shrugged. “Okay. I’ll see you around, JJ.”
He reached a hand out toward you when you moved to walk away. You paused just out of his reach and looked back. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”
You nodded. “I know. I should be thanking you actually, because if you had said it back to me that day, I wouldn’t have found something so much better.”
And with that, you walked away from JJ and the empty promises he had always given, walked away straight into the arms of someone who would give you the world and more, if you just so much as asked.
--
navigation
#outer banks x reader#outer banks#obx x reader#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron#john b routledge#outer banks jj#rafe cameron x pogue!reader#john b routledge x sister!reader#routledge!reader#pogues x routledge!reader
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texting a number neighbor out of boredom.
> what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo
it's a stupid joke. you don't expect an answer. you’re certain your other number neighbor blocked you. as quickly as you send it, you forget it. you find another distraction. it isn't until hours later, just past midnight, that you get a response.
>> How did you get this number?
it's not much, but it's engagement. you smirk at your glowing screen. should you continue? at best, you make a stranger laugh. at worst, you're only mildly annoying. there's no real harm.
> no guesses then?
when they fail to respond within a few minutes, you figure they decided to block you after all. so, it really is harmless to text again. you owe it to them to finish the joke.
> one is real heavy and the other is a little lighter
you lock your phone, figuring that's that, but—a notification bubble appears.
>> Amateur hour. >> What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
you roll over, grinning. you know this one.
> straight to the dirty jokes, stranger?
>> The best kind I know.
> debatable
>> Unlike some, I don’t waste time.
> that why you only last 60 seconds?
it’s a dirty and mean joke, but no cruder than the cinderella punchline. if they can dish it out, they can take it. still. it’s a long couple of minutes before they respond.
>> That was at least 90 seconds.
you snort, rolling over again in bed with a gleeful kick. it goes on like that for a while. filthy joke for filthy joke. bad joke for bad joke. some raunchy. some flirtatious. neither of you bother with names. they never even ask why you texted a random number. eventually you glance at the clock. it’s an ungodly hour. this has gone on long enough.
you send a goodnight message and decide fuck it. you snap a quick photo of yourself in bed, both hands holding it above your head on the pillow. only the lower half of your face is visible to show off your big smile. blurry but cute. definitely no harm in sending it if it isn’t your whole face.
> thanks for making me laugh all night :) have a nice life!
you swiftly block the number, getting ahead of any possible creepy response. the twinge of guilt passes. you choose to believe that you made someone’s day. who wouldn’t want to trade dumb jokes with a cute face?
you let the conversation drift to the back of your head and forget about it. you get busy. no time to dick around like you used to. weeks pass. every once in a while you hear a terrible line and think of your number neighbor, but they stay blocked.
one evening, arriving home late from work, a hand catches the lift door just before it shuts. in steps a massive fella, tall enough that your head dips all the way back when you reflexively ask which floor. he hides behind a mask and a cap, but you glimpse a pale pink scar jutting over a cheekbone. he glances at the panel, and mutters your floor number.
when the lift starts to rise, your stomach sinks. he doesn’t turn around like one would normally. he blocks the doors, wide shoulders heaving with deep breaths. his eyes drill into you, studying you intently.
the moment you decide to hit the elevator’s help button, he speaks.
“why’d the ghost take the lift?”
your mouth dries. wait.
he steps forward, caging you into the corner. the mask lifts slightly in the corners. his eyes crinkle. he’s smiling.
“to lift ‘is spirits.”
he raises an open palm and slots it over the top half of your face, then chuckles. as it comes down, he leans closer.
“why’d you block me, sweet’eart?”
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