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ganondoodle · 11 months

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made another rough version of the cover for chapter 2, i kinda like this one more tbh

(comic wip)

#ganondoodles #zelda #art #tloz #loz #demise #hylia #wip #everythings happening so much and i just #feel so empty #trying to get at least some work done #sorry if i seem more distant than usually #trying my best to stay informed - inform others - not doomscroll - keep hoping for a turn to the better - live #and it leaves no energy for anything else really

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suis0u · 1 month

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And another Stiles.

#Stiles Stilinski #teen wolf #my art #wip #work in progress #clean sketch #alone at home & stressed with not a lot of sleep is apparently my boost for creativity #well at least I get some stuff done before the big move in september #our flat is already so chaotic because I'm trying to get a lot of our old furniture sold and some stuff is already packed up #uff #still too many plants and books and small shit

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d8tl55c · 26 days

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oh boy !! ! ! ! !!! ! thANK y0u all for the kind words on my last art posts. you all get it and i was/still am so happy about it

as promised, here's some close-ups of the comic for image quality's sake, and other screenshots i rescued from the community whiteboard (and something else)

first up another sketch of mystery gender-ambiguous being. (please send me more name ideas for them if you got one- i like to hear em! (reminder it's the side character that appeared for <10 seconds in AvM Ep. 30))

a few fav scenes

emotional support cwab

they weren't meant for this purpose exactly, but i do have countless "fluffy sticks" loose in my notes and homework sheets from the school years.

papery critter.

even when i wasn't confident in fur or feathers, they helped me practice posing and create some satisfying gradients/flowing poses. (im a sucker for good tail poses) (oh yay! i found a good pic...)

and finally, little sneak peak for you for reading so far ;3

i realized that whiteboardfox is pretty great for my working needs. simple and to the point and all. feels nice with the mouse and the tablet.

so i started hashing out a big project idea just to see if it holds up and

[

several hours later ...

]

oh

oh man

it's a little bigger than i expected

<next>

#--/ art #alan becker #animator vs animation #animation vs minecraft #Minecraft bed #ava the dark lord #ava the chosen one #me when the project that obviously wasn't going to be done in one night isn't done in one night: D: !?!?!?!?#kudos to whoever routed the Speedrun actual short because that one is so fun and clean and savvy #clever made up time-savers? includes orange's TNT shield-jump?? nonlethal dragon dispatch??? sweet #ithink you can see where i tried to head with this #turns out that turning up the complexity 98 notches higher makes things trickier to parse hmmmmmm?#in fact i might need some help with this one ;>v>' like a lot.#i had a bit of a story and route set up already i just... wanted to make sure everything was at least kinda there...................#we'll see #the pie joke. i was trying to categorize which foodstuffs chosen should be able to make on the fly. with their flame hands.#ex. cooking meats makes sense because flint and steel works for the same purpose (you can kill a burning animal to get cooked meats)#but baking bread or drying kelp seems way more involved or whatever -> needs a proper furnace environment #HOWEVER... i noticed that Steve can just summon pumpkin pies from his bare hands if he wants to without even a workbench. so. sure! lol.#this is scraping the surface of the minutiae i want to consider #(ALSO KUDOS to everyone who RUNS/works on all-advancements. of course. riding on your shoulders here)#final joke is that chosen didn't know how crazy this undertaking would be to learn #but dark is very literally programmable. so you could maybe just plug some TAS instructions into him and off he goes #or even more open-ended than that just give him the list of advancements + stipulations + the wiki and similar result #it'd get done but. i dont think he'd find that fun at all. prefers to write his own instructions if you see what i mean #i might be forgetting some context. it is rather late you see. please ask me questions about this! ;P #tco aa

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tswwwit · 1 year

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Hey! You mentioned a while back that if the other dimension Dipper/Mabel/Ford might call the penthouse for advice in dealing with their Bill, and Familiar!Dipper might pick up the "call". I've been rereading the Bill v Bill series and can't get the scene out of my head. Any chance you'd be interested in writing it?

I'm certainly interested in writing it! I think there's a lot of opportunity for Shenanigans, and that's totally my jam.

The problem is: Actually Getting Around to writing it. But perhaps one day!

#answers #I do have some very amusing ideas for it #But sadly they can't all fit in the same fic #I have to carefully select which ones work best and mesh with each other to create a Structure™#Which is a whole thing #But perhaps I shall get around to it #In the meantime I'm almost done with this short 'Dipper forced to tell the truth' thing so we'll see how that goes #One potential thing I envisioned at one point was the Other Universe (or specifically that Dipper)#Trying to Spy on Bill to figure out if he could find a weakness. A crack in his defenses. A way to get that Dipper out of his clutches!!#Sadly he doesn't find any of that #He does see Bill with who he assumes is his husband though! Not sure who it is; can't see his face #Dipper doubts Bill would be taking a nap with his head on a non-hubby chest. Hugging them around the torso lying between their legs #IS that.... cuddling. No it can't be. It feels super weird to observe and now Other Dipper's uncomfortable #The person Bill's lying on is some guy who's fully clothed but it feels weirdly creepy to be watching anyway #Even though said guy is just dicking around on his phone. At one point he swats Bill for presumably no reason and that's amusing at least #Other Dipper decides he's gonna quit while he's ahead. Spying's not a great idea when who the hell knows could be going on the other end #(Our Dipper was playing a crossword and woke Bill up to provide an answer)#Clue: 'Suave' five letters. Third letter is 'u' Answer: Acute

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purpurussy · 1 month

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#tw suicide #idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT #i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone #and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess #but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm #but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing #hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse #to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house #and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like #to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age #but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me #also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently #tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me #i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship #but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation #i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself #and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons #most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks #idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear #this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly #sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point #and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have #the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona #so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem #anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope

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nerdie-faerie · 4 months

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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart

#summer camp tag #ace is a mess #i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic #the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad #doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining #im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart #i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no #she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it #cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical #but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears #but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation #we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills #and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing #we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out #do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from #shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle #instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine #im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch #and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look #but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified #she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation #but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god #ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭

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muselexum · 24 days

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#time literally isn't real #UHHH anyway gonna get to some drafts/inbox stuff today <33 #how yall doing? <3 #I've started creating day schedules for myself because my executive dysfunction has been getting out of control #have kind of come to terms I cant really do well or get anything done without a planned out schedule so I'm learning to do that myself #which sounds kind of silly at my big age. but i guess i've just always had someone to tell me what to do whether it was school or work #( and the obligation and responsibilities to anyone outside of myself as a motivator to perform )#so now like 6 months in to unemployment ive just had the click of like 'oh.. i can literally just... do stuff. anything'#so anyway im starting to make an agenda for myself which includes blocked out times for creative hours cause apparently #if my life isn't miserable enough i just don't have the desire or sustained motivation to touch art outlets at all #has anyone ever struggled with this??#i think i used art as escapism my whole life so now im trying to rewire my brain #ive had art block from time to time in my life but i think im just starting to realize what's going on here this time around #and we're gonna fix it!!#i think it's time to shift from art coming from inspiration/maladaptive daydreaming to just making it a routine practice #i fear my work might not come out as good but at least i can still 'have' art in my life this way #wow ok rambling anyway heading over to my drafts :D

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creed-of-cats · 4 months

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The amount of doomerism I've heard from fellow usamericn zoomers/millennials around me is starting to drive me fucking insane.

"We're all gonna die, it's hopeless, it's not worth doing anything. This is our penance as human beings/[insert other guilty identity]"

You know who you guys fucking sound like? Fucking Evangelicals.

Yeah it's fucking scary and big, I'm not trying to say it isn't. But what the fuck is your plan??? Sitting down and dying?? Are you really telling me that this world is not worth you even fucking trying?? That you're just gonna party it out until your miscellaneous end game apocalypse arrives?

This isn't the rapture. The apocalypse is a false concept. People have been living through "apocalypses" every day of their fucking lives for all of human history, especially during the past 400 years. Get up and stop the suicidal idealization of your own tragic death. Our lives in the first world are built off suffering. To lay down and say we don't have any power is to reject the duty we have as beneficiaries of that suffering.

If you are so convinced you're going to die young then die trying instead of baring your fucking throat.

#going to r/collapse pisses me off because some people are genuinely trying to do community gardens and become more self sustainable #and others are like “the third world is done for at least im safe for the time being in the first world :((((”#the “third world” isn't your fucking sacrificial lamb for climate guilt. acting like it's over for billions of people when people are tryin #to survive and innovate and prepare and help themselves is fucking selfish #and moving away from the usa may help you but everyone else is still fucking there and the us will still suck resources from everyone else #the same people who don't vote in anything and then go “oh well it was a given” when shit people get in office like babes you could've done #something about that #climate change #sorry im just pissed today. my housemate keeps saying stupid doomer shit like “hope i die before it gets too bad haha”#like we are both puerto rican don't you think our homeland is worth saving???#to be clear it doesn't have to be extreme action! its something im fighting through too #learning how to be more self sufficient outside of capitalism also conveniently means a more sustainable lifestyle!#and im not perfect at all i want to do more #but im so sick of people just accepting this shit and saying it like its a fucking joke #i get it is a coping mechanism and trust me i get sad too but like jesus christ people are eat the rich until its time to actually #think of a plan or what a survivable future might actually fucking look like and how we help each other get as close to possible.#whatv compromises we have to make until one day it's not a compromise but a goal #and yeah it might not work but i don't want to obliterate any chance of it either #what's the quote from the sophie video? “people can visualize the end of the world more then the end of capitalism”#doomerism #climate justice #gen z #generation z #millennials #climate

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empresskadia · 5 months

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I quite seriously despise drawing armor :’) and people who do have my respect. It took me hours looking at reference photos for this. But I said, ODST Raya will be started

My girl likes her sniper rifle, bang bang

I still have some details to add on but I’m also working on a new sketch for her Spartan armor, I changed it up a bit.

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lucalicatteart · 1 year

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-- Poorly Constructed Enchanted Tool --

A small tool carved from a fruit tree seed. Energy to power the enchantment has seemingly run-out long ago, and the method of recharging is unknown - but, based on the appearance, it's very likely that this was once used for detecting magic. Usually, looking through the glass center would highlight areas of higher magical energy concentration present in the viewer's environment, even if they were otherwise obscured to the naked eye. While this form of enchantment itself is highly advanced, the craftsmanship of the item is far less neat or complex than what might be typically seen in similar devices. It may have been made as part of training/practice, or as a hasty replacement for a previous tool that had broken.

#written from the perspective of some fantasy traveler who checks all of the local thrift-stores and lost & found places for every #town they visit - looking for interesting items and documenting them or something #In reality - just another one of my goofy little avocado pit carvings lol. Still working on inlaying little stones in them and stuff #I don't really have the tools to make super intricate stuff but doing little plain swirly patterns is still fine enough lol.#WORKING ON NEW POLL ADVENTURE also I know I know it's been months.. I have been Busy and struck by the evils of summer #But like I mentioned in the previous one I do want to at LEAST finish the quest with the egg lol #ANYWAY.#Things like this would plausibly exist in Nanyevimi (my fantasy world) but wouldn't be very common as - like mentioned- this would be an #extremely advanced enchantment. REALLY advanced mages could sense magic around them (to varying degrees of pinpoint accuracy of location #) without even having to use any external device. But for a majority of people there's really no way to know someone is using magic near #you unless you either see visual proof or if it's strong enough to feel effects from it (since magic is kind of like radiation in that the #higher energy/more of it youre exposed to the more it damages you/can make you sick/etc.) and even then most people would just be like #'hmm why do I feel so nauseous and bad out of nowhere?' likely wouldn't directly think to link it to magic. Thus the only really reliable w #way isto just hone your senses over like 500 years as you become an expert mage - OR use enchantments like these. But a 'sense magic' encha #ntment is not as common as a just 'magic is not allowed here' enchantment. If you wanted to prevent magic from being usedin a space #it's easier to just put up a broad barrier enchantment around that space than to have some sort of Magic Sensor to pick out if it's being #done and then handle each individual case of it . etc. etc. These sort of things can have their uses (especially for people investigating #things or trying to be secretive about detecting something etc.) but are less common - especially in this form (where visuals are used. itd #be more likely to jsut have like 'piece of metal that gets warm or cool depending on magic nearby'.) ANWAY so this is why it's a notable #object. Though a majority of the realm is not very magic literate - if you were a researcher or a mage and found this at a pawn shop you'd #definitely be like 'oohhh!! :0 inch resting... ' if not you might just be like 'oh cool necklace!' lol #also love the quick 2min ''costume'' for the image of it being used. literally just 'wrap yourself in scarves from the waist up' and slap o #a wig and ears lol #on this blog I guess since it's worldbuilding related and technically art.. maybe more like crafting? I should have a crafts tag lol.. hmm

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camgoloud · 5 months

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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons

#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups #and the later regrets of the parties involved #anyway. tell me not to text her #it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength #she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life #and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever #going to get back #and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that #really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you #felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way #instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out #so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least #we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she #like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have #said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me #and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting

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ra-vio · 5 months

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semester is almost over. im dying

#my oc #rune #mori #i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing #even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED #i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately #trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day #and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom #a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere #and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man #i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH #but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week #this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail #and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont #i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i #how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project #my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that #so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work #because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it #but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO #anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again

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icewindandboringhorror · 4 months

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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh

#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh #AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game #(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random #townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can #browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around #and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho #Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly #i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol #I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T #Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things #But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense #That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length #text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres #visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol #Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered #boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world #and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY #more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL #Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool #idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh #the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope #''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months #learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have #a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that #and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY

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seventh-district · 2 months

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#Seven's Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god #at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night #literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways #my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful #anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done #i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it #time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes #uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign #i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too #i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time #so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then #watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr #i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more #and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES #maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh #anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk #oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3

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forgotten-daydreamer · 28 days

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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

#medical stuff cw #i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat #vent cw #i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay #i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated #my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition #so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells #because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly #terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle #i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer #but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first #so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane #also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia #now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine #so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved #because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe #at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months #however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?

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senselessalchemist · 10 months

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finally have an actual job so maybe I can stop being a hermit and get officially divorced and feel sort of financially stable and possibly try dating again and get a cat ??? is that allowed? no I probably shouldn't unless I get a bigger place and can have two cats to be friends

downside is when the fuck am I supposed to draw dumb comics if I'm working for hours and hours a day? Hell and suffering on earth. maybe i should get an iPad or a whatthefuck ever and draw on the commute so I don't lose even more of my meager art skills

#personal bullshit #i have never had what is traditionally considered a Real Job #this is my first 8 to 4 type job #tbqh if i could have just done teaching assistant work without the whole grad student shit that would have been cool #but i just couldn't anymore #no one there helped me when i needed it #a super huge fuck you to all of the mandatory training i had to do re: intimate partner violence and abuse #well anyway it's fucking done and who cares if i wasted 8ish years of my only life (:#now i get to help people make babies #which is not at all what i thought i would do #but hey at least it feels meaningful #and i get to wear scrubs all the time which is nice because they're kind of shapeless and make me look slightly more masc esp with binding #wonder if i could donate oocytes #im sure as fuck not gonna use them #might be too old tho #give bad eggs #also might have too much testosterone in my system now #0 idea how that works except at some point they expect me to stop menstruating #but my dumb reproductive parts are too strong too powerful will not be stopped by some pitiful exogenous T #anyway i really need to try to sleep #and stfu #but yeah maybe i can think about moving and getting 2 cats

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