#trying really hard to find any postives but its hard

[oifaaa]

Trying to be happy that the tories are no longer in power but seeing how many votes reform got and knowing that if the tories do implode (which they might) they'll be replaced by an even further right wing party it's looking bleak lads but hey atleast we might get the trains nationalised

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

this is so long please read if it interests you and skip if it doesnt i genuinely just couldnt stop thinking of things to add.

i used to wonder why antisemites would constantly make up criticisms about zionism that are either blatantly false or a misunderstanding of facts. especially when jewish antizionists have consistently been able to find real criticisms of zionism and analyze them based on jewish history and personal experience (tbh i dont consider any goyim to be antizionist or zionist but that's not the point). it's definitely not a problem of "valid criticisms of zionism dont exist". even when i dont agree with jewish antizionists i usually understand how they got to their conclusion and i find it fully respectable. also when i say factual/valid criticisms i dont just mean shit i personally agree with. im a zionist with plenty of criticisms about the movement (yeah I know it's ironic). all i mean by that is a criticism of zionism that is backed up by facts.

imo antisemites either explicitly or implicitly know that if they look up factual criticisms of zionism they'll also have to learn about the positive stuff. it's all intertwined. to a lot of jewish people this isnt that big of a deal. we're raised to ask questions and we're taught how to formulate a good argument from a young age. its pretty normal for us to critique things that we generally support or find postives in things we generally critique. however, goyim are much less likely to be raised this way. obviously some are but the dichotomy of good and bad is much more prevalent in goyische culture than jewish. of course we know some shit is good and other shit is bad, we're not fuckin idiots, but nuance is integral to us.

i dont know what it feels like to be raised in a culture with a strong difference between good and bad. it doesnt make sense to me at all. however id assume that that upbringing combined with social media, which favors quick, shocking information, would result in something like goyim constantly glazing over factual critcisms of zionism and just making shit up. the made up shit is simultaneously more gut-wrenching and easier to digest due to its simplicity. it's really fucking hard to accept that zionism is so complex if youve been taught that things are always just good or bad. and even harder if your activism began and ended with social media instead of a medium that favors long-form content.

you cannot research zionism without being whacked in the face with nuance. its the reason i research zionist history more than zionist theory because that shit is so confusing sometimes (said with love). learning about zionism isn't an easy task at all. ive been doing it seriously for around 5 years and casually since i was a small child and i still learn shit every day. if i studied zionism for hours every day id probably still have something to learn when i die.

antisemites do not like being called antisemites, so they try to learn things about jewish history and then fail. they dont actually care about the information they just want to seem like they know something. they are not doing this for the benefit of jewish people. they wont actually spread true jewish history or recommend jewish creators that could share correct information. they'll instead say bare minimum shit that makes themselves feel proud for saying the word "jewish" and their followers are making death threats towards zionists.

ive seen some goyim say some factual things about zionism and stay in their lane while doing so, both things i rlly appreciate. and time and time again they're met with antisemitic conspiracies, death threats, doxxing, etc. not as much as jewish people are but still a lot. most people are not ready and may never be ready to support jews through the good and the bad.

this ties into the idea of the "innocent" victim. the one who is pure and kind, who never said a bad word about anyone and saved baby mice from fires. this idea of the innocent victim exists in war, abuse, crime, literally anywhere where someone's human rights are violated. however even if someone is innocent in a particular situation most people are not 100% good and innocent all the time. there's a few exceptions like babies (although i do know some babies that are fucking assholes) but in general people are a mix of good and bad.

jewish people do not shy away from being both good and bad. we embrace it with open arms and even though we try to improve our bad traits we dont fear them. "the only good jew is a dead jew" is fitting because when someone is dead you can make so much up. you can pretend they were incapable of every doing anything even remotely bad. you can say the poor jew who died was your biggest inspiration even though you scoffed at them every time they opened their mouth.

and this is why antisemites hate zionism so much and love making up false critcisms. because it throws concepts like black and white morality, the desire to consume information quickly, and the innocent victim into the fucking mud. then it punches it and steps on it and kicks it. anything and anyone that favors simple information over complicated information, not matter how incorrect, is going to have a hard time discussing zionism. people want to know things, yet sometimes they dont wanna actually put in the work to learn the correct information from good sources because that's hard work and antisemites do not want to put in hard work regarding jewish history.

if you believe im gonna solve antisemitism singlehandedly then who the fuck do you think i am. this isnt going away anytime soon. however you can do shit to help. study zionism on your own time and develop your own opinions on it. i highly recommend focusing on 1-3 specific topics trust me it's really confusing otherwise. teach others about it when you feel safe to do so. share resources with them and encourage them to do their own research. maybe point them to a specific aspect that relates to an interest they already have, and if you're mentally able to handle it call out antisemitic misinformation. a lot of people will not listen but there will always be at least one person who just needs a little bit of help starting.

anyway i may do actual research on this in the future because observations and i might turn it into a proper essay. I'll write one version where i say fuck and another where I don't.

[goatsorcery]

>:3 Alright Frank, my turn. Please share your bg3 brain worms (tadpoles). Favorite character(s)? Preferred companions? Do you have a consistent party? If not, how do you choose your members at any given time? I am very curious if it’s the latter because as I mentioned, I don’t really ever switch it up.

you said in the tags of your answer to write as many paragraphs as my feelings can fill… and well… it’s a lot haha :)

i love all the characters so much! they're all so unique, interesting, and charming in their own way. i'm only in act 2 myself (about to finish it though i think) so i haven't gotten to see everyone's full stories yet. narrowing down a favorite is so hard! i change up my party every once in a while, but consistently i still always bring wyll or shadowheart so I guess they would be my favorites!

i love wyll so much, im always a sucker for characters who are able to stay postive and optimistic even through the worst of times. I also love characters (especially in fantasy) who are primed to be the main character either from their backstories or narratively (alistair in dragon age and aragorn in lord of the rings are other examples); wyll, who is a monster hunter but is first and foremost a protector of the people, (there are other details about him that I wont spoil for you that also lend to this) has all the makings of a classic fantasy protagonist, but he never expresses the desire to be the leader (i guess, unless the player plays as him haha) or to get any recognition for helping cure the tadpoles. other possibly-spoilery tid-bits about him that break away from or invert fantasy character archtypes help to really round out his character in an interesting way.

I loved shadowheart pretty much instantly (shadowheart and lae’zel being the first two companions you meet is everything, i love them both and their dynamic so much) shadowheart is a bit of a mystery, even to herself, which is fascinating to me. I find her whole story, so far, really interesting, and I’m excited to see where it goes and what else is learned about her through the rest of the game. i love characters who are so dedicated to one goal to the point that it’s all that matters to them and it’s all they are, but then the story challenges their dedication or pulls them from it for a larger cause.

i switch up my party every once in a while, but its usually just to swap out characters for quests that are relevant to them or that i think will prompt dialogue or approval from them. i think my game is a bit bugged, because i didn't even realize there was party banter until very late into act 1 (also just might be  because i fast travel a lot) so i've been switching out characters more to see what conversations they can have.

my go-to parties in act 1 were wyll, shadowheart, and lae’zel or wyll, karlach, and lae’zel (this was mostly because of combat game play, karlach and lae’zel with their extra attack or shadowheart as an extra healer was so helpful when I was still trying to learn the combat system).

in act 2 my go to party is wyll, shadowheart, and karlach, or wyll, shadowheart, and halsin depending on if im just exploring/doing side-quests or if i know I’ll run into heavy combat. karlach regularly one-shots enemies with 30+ hp and having her extra attack is the only way i get through combat most of the time (even on the easiest difficulty, combat continues to kick my ass).

when I reach act 3, I plan on mixing up my party more, depending on what’s in store for act 3 (I have surprisingly not been spoiled on anything that happens in act 3).

combat is the main reason why i don’t switch up my parties more since i get used to having certain spells or abilities. on my second play through (which I’ve already started planning even though im not close to being done with my first lol) i plan on trying to mix up my groups more to get more banter and to spend time with other characters I haven’t had much chance to. I rarely take gale or astarion with me (unless there is a relevant quest) but only because of combat, i feel like other characters have more useful abilities then they do. which is a shame because i like them both a lot, and want to get to know them better. my tav is a cleric, so that also factors in to party make-up. gale’s party banter is always bugged for me as well which is a bummer, the captions will pop-up but his voice lines never play.

one thing i like so much about the characters is that they all have interesting interpersonal dynamics. it really only comes up in banter and the occasional camp conversation but its enough to make it feel like they're all actually interacting in camp. whether or not they fully get along, they still all seem to care about each other which i love! its the friend group you'd never expect (most of who would probably not get along or get the chance to interact if the circumstances were different) but they all end up being close in some way or another. shadowheart and lae'zel's dynamic is especially a favorite of mine, i always love characters who don't get along on the surface but are actually "no one's allowed to be mean to them except for me". shadowheart and astarion are a bit like this too, with each other, and astarion with the rest of the companions as well. another one of my favorite party dynamics is wyll, shadowheart, and astarion; three people I wouldn’t have expected to really get along but the first time i had them all in my party I triggered like three conversations in a row where they were flirting with each other (my favorite of their banters is astarion saying he’d drink from wyll if he could chose anyone in camp after shadowheart asks him and then her sounding disappointed that he didn’t pick her. in my play through shadowheart then asked astarion if he was single less than a minute later lol).

my favorite character dynamics are:

wyll and karlach

wyll, astarion, and shadowheart

shadowheart and lae’zel

[void-dreaming]

please ignore this if your not in the mood for it

firstly after rereading your post i think i at least 85% agree with the core point. or what i'm assuming the point was: that if you see a post with an opposing opinion that makes you upset, just keep scrolling- don't be rude about it

however, I think the phrasing of your susie post might have made it unintentionally come across as a little passive-aggressive or rude, so this is just some critique on how these sorts of posts can be phrased in a way that may better avoid conflict.

i think it's important to keep in mind just how you find those interpretations to go against canon they may think the same about yours, specific lines that people use as 'proof' of their interpretation can be the same used as 'proof' for another.

there's a stigma in fandom of 'fanon' stuff being 'mischaracterization' aka 'bad writing' so the word 'interpretation' in this context can be associated with that: like to refer to only the idea being argued against as an 'interpretation' has been used as a slightly 'nicer' (in the passive aggressive way) of saying 'the wrong, incorrect, bad, interpretation" and puts the idea argued in favor of as the 'correct, smart, interpretation' placed on this pedestal of 'canon'

so the very well intentioned and seemingly straightforward statement that "it's perfectly fine to have your own interpretation" unfortunately could be misread as putting down someone's interpretation and any creative works they've made that uses it

this could be avoided by also acknowledging the idea in favor of as an 'interpretation' as well, or by at least addressing the argument soft the interpretation your opposing

i think a better way of phrasing things if you don't intend to come across as passive-aggressive or negative is to start by speaking in favor of instead of in opposition of: instead of "I dislike portrayal of character as x. " you could approach with "i like portrayal of character as y." approaching a discussion with a negative statement is a lot more likely to upset people and approaching a discussion with a postive statement makes the overall discussion more, well, positive and constructive

i think it's also notable to try and keep the distinction between a 'bad character' as in a villain and a 'bad character' as in poorly written. or if you think a redemption arc is poorly written than like, some people depicting a character as redeemed likely might even agree with that -and like depicting the character as redeemed because they think the redemption had a lot of potential they want to expand on. I think in the case of Susie people find a susie redemption more intresting and having more potential than the opposite.

and of course its all for fun, this is all about silly viddy games. personally i'm a big fan of depicting villain characters and sympathetic uwu bbys one day and terribly cruel people the next. the ideas can coexist in a fandom space and I think that's probably actually more aligned with what your post was trying to say. but the diction and lack of clear tone used made it a lot less clear to decipher.

anyway want to make it clear that I have no intents of coming across as passive-agressive: i myself struggle a lot with phrasing my thoughts which is really frustrating and these are things that have helped me to better communicate online fndjad

have a good day :3

Oh man, I really hope I haven't been coming across is angry or upset, that's just an unfortunate part of how I type, I'm trying to teach myself to tone it down plustalkingingenwralisnervewrackingforme

And yeah, looking back, my post is definitely a bit more aggressive than it needs to be, I'll probably rewrite it once I unwind later tonight, this year's birthday is very hectic, but that's no excuse for writing so aggressively x,D it also doesn't help that I'm not used to just making all text posts

It feels like something that occurs so frequently, it's hard to remove that "again with this crap?" feeling when bringing it up, but that's more of a me problem, and my own struggles to seperate my emotions from my work, I'm a very sensitive person, even on my best days. I,D

I don't think I've seen a full proper Susie redemption anywhere actually (although I'm sure it exists, and I would like to see it uu), who knows, maybe I'll tackle that in Zero Termina!

I think my biggest issue is that I try way too hard to compensate for myself, so I ramble and lose the message. I really wasn't trying to be harsh or rude, just immediately lost the initial message thinking I wasn't doing a proper job of explaining my stance. I probably could've just left it at the title and the message would be clear.

And yeah, I was passive aggressive in the tags, when that undermined the tone of the post itself, like I said, it's something that happens often enough that it's hard to address it without gnashing my teeth, but yeah, I definitely shouldn't undermine my own tone.

Plus, I'll admit I am petty, but I'm not usually brazen about it, and I definitely need to work on that, cause it really wasn't worth being so petty x,D

I appreciate the feedback, and I hope you have a good day as well, I'll do my best to do better! :>

[ladyofglencairn]

Bridgerton S2

Overall, I enjoyed it. But there was a lot that could have been done better, imo.

What I liked:

• Jonathan Bailey and Simone Ashely have OFF THE CHARTS CHEMISTRY and I was here for all of it.

• The Bridgerton family moments. I love the dynamics, the sibling ribbing, the teasing and banter. Special mention of the Anthony/Gregory moment. 🥺

• Like the Bridgerton's the Sharma's were a great example of a loving family. The sisterly bond and postive representation of a step mother/step daughter relationship was so great!

• Anthony's scenes with his mother. Some of them were really emotional. I also loved that they spent some time on his backstory and fleshed it out. Made understanding his character and motivations so much easier.

• Anthony and Daphne. I was wondering how the show would use her character and I really feel like it worked. She came across as so mature, settled and wise. Loved it!

• Eloise and Penelope. I think it makes sense that Eloise finds out about Pen's secret - especially considering how hard she's worked to try and uncover who LW is. I'm excited to see how S3 develops that particular subplot.

• I appreciated seeing Marina and Sir Phillip and I'm really curious about how the show will eventually flesh out this storyline.

• Seeing Benedict as an artist. He's our next hero and I enjoyed getting to see where his passions lie.

What I didn't like as much:

• Where was Kate's backstory? The explanation of her character motivations? There was just....nothing? She's the female lead and we got more random subplot than any time spent understanding her better.

• Too much filler subplot. Like who cared about all that Featherington drama?? There was so much more the writers could have focused on.

• There was not enough Kate and Anthony getting to know one another scenes. Yes, amazing chemistry, a lot of mutual pining, tons of longing looks. But where was the CONVERSATION? They deserved so much more screen time. We need to know WHY they fall in love instead of just knowing they think the other person is hot. Honestly, they could have cut down more than 1 episode of filler nonsense and dedicated that time to exploring Kate and Anthony's attraction to one another.

• It took a whole 8 episodes (aka the whole season literally) for Kate and Anthony to get together. Then we have one married scene before it's over. Like damn, we just watched the SLOWEST SLOW BURN KNOWN TO MANKIND and we get no good fluff at the end? No actual wedding?? No real couple-in-love on-screen time?? I love a good slow burn, but damn, snails could swim across the Atlantic faster than it took these two to get to their first kiss.

• Too much Queen. Surely she had better things to do than pop in at every ball??

• The way the show handled Edwina's feelings for Anthony. They leaned heavily into her infatuation with him when in reality he wasn't quite what she was even looking for. I also disliked that it took FOREVER for Edwina to decide if she wanted to marry Anthony or not. Seriously, it felt like for an entire episode nothing happened! Everyone was just waiting for her to decide. AND... Anthony would have married her if she agreed! Even though he couldn't keep his eyes off her sister, he would have married her regardless!! WTF. I hated that it felt like Kate and Anthony only had a chance to be together because Edwina called off the wedding and not because either of them realised following through with the farce wasn't the right thing to do.

• Pining Pen. PLEASE have Pen do something other than stare longingly at Colin all of S3. I get it, they're a future couple, but its all so one-sided and I'm not here for that.

• I thought there would be a better set-up for Benedict's story next season? I mean, we kinda saw more Pen/Colin than actual Benedict insight and he's next.

In conclusion: I liked S1 more as a cohesive story. I think the focus was on the main couple with decent side plot sprinkled in. S2 was about a lot of side plot with Kate and Anthony lusting after one another with a significant lack of screen time to show the journey from attraction to love. Plus we needed the types of fluff for Kanthony that S1 fed us in spades. I will say S2 takes the award for notching the sexual tension up to 10000%. The chemistry was explosive!

[cinnamonest]

I am a bully and mean and saw that Childe’s a Family Man so I decided to be depraved and write some ideas for DadSon and really I feel like Childe can get worse in that situation- especially if we have an AU where the parents are divorced and his Dad is doing the single dad thing. Like, young Ajax is... precocious- a troublemaker as always- but he’s always been perceptive and more aware than any child should be. He figures its not normal for kids to be this attached to their parents, but he sees how his siblings cling to his mom when he comes for visits and decides nah, he’s fine. But then his Dad introduces him to his girlfriend and he’s... quiet. He dislikes her and wants her gone, but he’ll play “nice” for now bc you like her. When he goes to sleep for the night, he wakes up due to some noise from your room and peeks in and sees you fucking your girlfriend and thats the first time he learns what masturbation is. He can’t get it out of his head and he spirals as he gets older. There’s guilt, bc you’re so sweet and kind and here he is, your son, wanting to fuck dear old dad till he’s weak in the knees and bedridden and drowning in his cum.

He gets... bold, one night. Dad broke up with his girlfriend and he’s drunk himself into oblivion to cope. Ajax carries him to bed and then he... notices the bulge in your pants... the odd squirming and twitch of your legs as he tugs down your bottoms and watches your dick rise to half mast. He plays with it, unsure of wtf he is doing as he feels your harden in his hands- and he gets bolder, touching you as he would touch himself and freezing up when your climax splatters across his face. You passed out, and Ajax hurriedly cleans you and pulls your pants up then runs back to his room with his heart thundering in his chest. His mind running a mile a minute as his obsession grows and darkens his mind.

He searches how gay sex works later that night, and carefully but steadily works his way towards it.

He’s long since taken over the household chores due to your busy work schedule- especially cooking. Your diet is healthy and full of fruits, and you applaud him for being a better cook than his mom as you tuck in. What you don’t know is your after dinner tea is laced with sleeping pills that make sure you stay deep asleep as he practices stretching your hole and finding all your sweet spots. He’s learned to earn money from doing... things, and managed to procure everything he needs to properly prepare you to take his dick when the time comes. Its rewarding when you begin to react to his fingers without him sucking and fondling your cock, how you whine and twitch and come undone in a handful of sharp thrusts at specific angles, how though unconcious, you squeeze his head with your thighs as he goes down on you, and he makes sure to come on your face and belly everytime and take pictures. Every once in a while he compares dicks and marvels at how he’s beginning to outgrow you, and ruts in between your thighs to satiate his desire.

Its taken some time but he’s going to be an adult soon. He already has everything lined up- a scholarship, a job with good advancement opportunities, a new apartment he could py for wholly by himself, etc. He’ show you he’s independent and totally capable of taking care of both of you- so you don’t have to worry about your cute little son anymore, Dad. He’s all grown up and ready to take care of you now- financially, emotionally, and sexually.

He’s so happy that when he comes home he nearly overlooks his mother- his birth mother- in the living room talking to you, a stack of documents on the coffee table as you look nervous but amiable to whatever the fuck she is saying. When he asks what’s gotten you two so happy, thinking oh maybe Tonia got into the highschool she applied for or Teucer made the soccer team- you ruin his mood by telling him you two are thinking of getting married again. And he lashes out. Screaming and arguing about why you two separated in the first place and you CANT get back together! You cant, cant, cant! You have to calm him down and send his mother away, saying youll discuss it later. And ohhhh boy are you miffed with his outburst. You start scolding him and nagging that he shouldnt have done that- there are better ways to express his disagreement and he’s being an emotional, angry brat about it.

And Childe snaps. He grabs his Father and drags him to Childe’s room as he flails and struggles, unable to fight off his son’s honestly inhuman strength as he throws him on the bed and strips him down. Your words are cut short as he gags you with your own balled up underwear, and ties your hands back your own shirt as he rummages for the lube on his desk drawer and settles between your legs. You kick at him and he brushes you off as he soaks your hole in the cold lube and pushes his fingers in, making you choke and stutter at the invasion that- doesnt hurt. Childe sighs, saying he wanted to do it more romantically, but if you’re going to ruin his chances like that then he’ll just speed up and skip a few steps. Your eyes are wide as you beg him to stop through your gag when he shucks off his bottoms and digs his dick out of his pants- already at half mast and huge, as he pumps it while pressing it against your ass cheeks, taking pleasure at how you flinch when he drags his cock head along the crack, over your slick hole, and nestle it lovingly against your testicles, letting you realize just how big he is, then return to your hole. You feel tears in your eyes as he pushes in, groaning loud and low into your ear as he bottoms out. Your brain is still trying to process as he leans back and grins, making sure to drag your hips up so you can see where you two are connected, giggling that his cock was made to be inside you. That he was born to give daddy dearest all the love that mommy failed to.

As he rocks his hips you shut your eyes tight and try to ignore his wanton moans, the absolute aching fullness in your anus as its speared open by your son’s dick, the disgust that swirls in your gut to your body not only being postively receptive to his actions, but also his many confessions of what he’s done to prepare you for this moment, how you almost ruined it. But he’s a good son, he’ll forgive you. Just don’t speak to mommy ever again, okay?

You come with your cock untouched and long before he does, and your face burns in shame. Childe takes a moment to stop and collect some of it on his fingers, smearing it on your face so you don’t forget, and licking it off your stomach with his tongue, giggling that you taste sooooo much better than when he first sucked you off. He’s so glad you like his cooking.

Then he starts thrusting himself in, deep and harsh and forcing your legs flat against your torso as you cry out in pain and pleasure as he chases his own high- dangerous threats falling from his lips as he makes you swear to never ever think of anyone else other than him. Convulsing as he empties out inside of you and you cry at the burn of cum splattering against your bruised guts.

Tears fall from your face as you hiccup and wait for him to pull out, to end the humiliation. Childe merely smiles when he sees the look on your face as he flips you onto your stomach, pressing himself against you and slowly massaging your sensitive dick as he asks sweetly, if you think one round could really satisfy a healthy young man like himself, when he’s been lusting for you for years? Oh no, Dad. He’s going the whole goddamn night and day. And with that horrific revelation sinking in, Childe smiles and presses a kiss to the side of his daddy’s temple and leans back, ready to truly breed his father to the brink. Who knows, maybe if he fucked him hard enough dad could become all nice and round- like he was pregnant. Even if Childe knew that sadly couldn’t be.

.

[whatisdishunny]

hi:’) i hope you’re doing well today. i just discovered your account and it’s been rlly interesting reading up on it. while going through them i came up with a question. thing is, i feel so sad all the time. no matter what i do it just never changes and i don’t know i guess it’s just kind of upsetting yet comforting? like i want to change but i also don’t want to bc i just, don’t like change so i’m like stuck :/ and also, another thing is that i steer away from love (romantic). i can easily give it out kinda? like i love helping them in their time of need, giving them comforting/reassuring words, etc. but i just can’t fully give them what they want, like i can’t commit. it’s like i like them but i don’t? it’s honestly so confusing and it sucks because then they tell me i don’t actually mean what i say and that "actions speak louder than words" LIKE i get it but it’s just hard for me to express what i feel and stuff because i myself don’t even understand it. and well point is, i was wondering if maybe my chart has anything to do with both of these situations. my sun is in Taurus, moon is in Aquarius, rising is in Taurus, mercury is in Taurus, venus is in Aries, mars is in Aquarius and MC is also in Aquarius. hopefully that’s enough info... if you need anything else pls lmk i’m so desperate to get answers </3

Hey boo 3> thx! I hope you are too♡︎

Ah I apologize that you feel that way. I would reccomend possibly looking for things or something that inspires you maybe try something new, go on walks, find a new hobby. Try to keep a postive mindset, it gets better with time.

Of course a number of factors could come into play. Though I would definitely say from what you’ve showed me of your chart it could be of influence or manifest in the way but it doesn’t have to dictate over you. You seem to have strong Earth and Air energy specifically Taurus and Aquarius. Taurus is a fixed sign and could be why you may feel stubborn to change or feel like you cannot change and get out of the feeling. Taurus energies within your chart could also manifest as you not wanting to change. With the Taurus placements and Venus in Aries could manifest as you being able to give your love out (and that’s a great thing but making sure it’s the right perosn and a good person is important). Taurus engeries (sun, ris., mer.) and Venus in Aries could be why your actions can align with wanting to help and show you care the Aquarius could be why you may not feel its all come together inside though and just feels like your just doing it to be doing it and not knowing if you really want them. The Aquarius is a fixed sign as well, the placements (moon, mars, etc.) could manifest as you not wanting to fully commit or feeling like you don’t want to, you may think if you were to commit you would be letting go of your freedom, or maybe you feel that your not ready for a relationship, or subconsciously feel or know the perosn is not the right one for you. All the fixed energies with your chart being specifically Taurus and Aquarius, can manifest as feeling like you can’t openly express your feelings and emotions with others. Don’t let people tell you don’t mean what you do or say esp. if you do mean it or least are trying to figure it out for yourself (telling people upfront that it’s harder to express how you feel can show honesty(or least how you feel) towards to them, the situation, and yourself though if they aren’t being understanding or don’t understand don’t dwell over it and don’t force yourself to open up, take your time), the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ sometimes they do but sometimes it can be interchangeable sometimes ‘words speak louder than actions’, and I would say finding the balance between the two is best if that makes since. I would say that it’s ok if you don’t feel your ready to commit to relationship yet, taking the time to grow and work on yourself to be the best version of yourself for not only your partner but for yourself as well is important. It’s ok not to be ready just work on yourself for as long as you need to until you feel and know your ready. All these engeries and placements within your chart are beautiful and great placements or least can be they can manifest beautiful and will for sure (all placmetnets are great, none are bad). We all have our personal struggles but don’t let them get the best of you.

Don’t let sadness be your friend or be of company to be comforting, because you’ll be and can be happy even if you don’t feel like it yet, you will and can, you already are. Surround yourself with the utmost best, encouraging, and positive people. Let go of things or people who are bringing you down, judging you, or making you feel like you have to question yourself or your actions. Just know you don’t have to change for anyone but yourself. Know that just because someone may say your not giving enough or think your not trying, their perception doesn’t define you and you can be and do your best on your own regardless. I think change is good or least it can be. Change can lead to growth and new opportunities. It does take time I know but trying to can help. I’ve noticed its easy to feel stuck sometimes so do I as well, you just have to carry a good mindset, keep doing your best or least trying, take care of yourself, and be the best you can be and it will all come together some way some how. If your struggle with talking to close ones about it take it slow and gradually get there when you can in the meantime I would recommend journaling your feelings let it out, write down pinned up energy and the way you feel why you feel that way. It helps. Express yourself whether it’s through art or some new activity, try something new. Do whatever brings or makes you happy, I know there’s something and long as it’s good for your well-being lol. Maybe get out and about sometimes motion helps with emotion. Carry faith and trust in yourself always. Get support if you need, again I’m always here if you want to talk.

If you want to go over anything else in your chart let me know. If you need anything else feel free to ask or if just want to talk to someone or about something my dm’s are always open🤍 I’m sending you positivity, love, and peace. I may not know you personally but know your loved and are a unique, ray of light, one of a kind, and extraordinary being. Wishing you a wonderful day/night. Much love!!! 3>

ps. excuse any of my grammatical errors if there’s any

[cryptidsandcatacombs]

What If I Killed Someone For You

Rating: absolutely postively adult for violent yandere content. Anyone under the age of 18 better go away. No reading allowed for anyone under the age of 18. Plus there's like one adult joke in here so no one under the age of 18 allowed for that reason either.

Summary: This is literally fueled by my love of yandere content #nojudgingcringecultureisdeadandikilledit. Noe better watch himself because he's been my muse lately. Anyways uuuu idk yandere stuff here so you know someone's getting stabbed. We should probably do something about that, but we're not gonna. Thems the rules chief. No, you can't stop it either you total fucking killjoy. I'll start stealing toes if you do. What will I do with said toes? Black markets are a lucrative business and I need the money cause I'm broke fam. So really it's the economy's fault that I'm chopping toes. Say thanks late stage capitalism. This is brought to you by idk the monster under your bed who chops off the toes for me. He gets paid by the hour so try no to run too much ok.

Oh and this fic contains lyrics from If I killed someone for you by Alec Benjamin. Yes I'm inserting song lyrics into a fic like it's the early 2000s.

I'm packing up my things and I'm wiping down the walls I'm rinsing off my clothes and I'm walking through the halls I did it all for her So I felt nothing at all I don't know what she'll say So I'll ask her when she calls

Would you love me more? If I killed someone for you

Oz was considered by most a laid back sort of guy. Never angered easily. He can get frustrated like every other person, but not so easily angered.

However, despite his laid back nature, he had a vice. Jealousy. One that he was very self aware of. He often tried not to let it get the better of him, but there it was. A beast clad in green with eyes of emerald staring him directly in the fact tempting him with its siren song.

The siren song came in the form of Noe Archiviste and....whoever this girl was that was hanging all over Noe right now. She had a voice as sweet as molasses and brown curls that fell down her shoulders like waterfalls. She would run her hands over Noe and look at him with her doe eyes. She was a cute on overall. Couldn't blame Noe for taking interest if it was there.

He seemed to not the mind the attention he received from the lady...nor the frivolous compliments....nor the blatantly flirty way she seems to be touching him with every caress of his hands into hers and the way she wraps her arms around his neck.

Oz's eye twitched. Oz could have stuffed down all this rage and envy that suddenly sprouted from the ether, but jealousy was truly Oz's vice. One he wasn't planning to fix any time soon. He wanted to sit there and be happy for his dearest Noe. Stay to the sidelines and be happy for his good fortune for love is one of the greatest things you can find.

However, there was another urge. One just as strong.

"I want her to die," cried Oz's thoughts. "I want her gone. She can't take Noe away from me. She can't. I know him and I aren't together in a romantic sense, but...I don't want her taking away my chance either. She has to go"

"Now now Oz," said another voice in Oz's head, "You know that's wrong. You can't go around getting rid of anyone you see as a competition or obstacle towards someone you care about."

Oz was prone to scolding himself at times like these. He always held himself to high moral standards. Sometimes too high. To the point of self-loathing. Impressive if you ask the writer. Self awareness? Bitch please for shame. This isn't a call out post for myself. What is it you may ask? Hey, we're getting off topic you little trickster. You're supposed to be a reader. Not breaking the fourth wall.

"Yes yes I know I can't do that. I'm not going to. That still doesn't save me from any form of feral urge to wring her neck and ship her body down the river and hope and have her loved ones pray she can be identified by her dental records. Fuck does she even love him. What if she's out to hurt him or worse just wants him for his body? Look at him! He's gorgeous. Who can blame her? What if she doesn't love him like I do," said Oz's internal thoughts.

"Oz you're being dumb. She might love him unconditionally too and he deserves that for himself," Oz argued internally with himself back.

"I know I know, but I'm just saying what if. I just don't like the idea of him getting hurt nor the idea of her taking him away from me. I'm entitled to that feeling aren't I," Oz continued to debate with his voice of reason.

"Fair, but lets just wait and see. He's a big boy and can handle himself," Oz's voice of reason stated.

"Yeah a big boy in more ways than one I bet," said the third internal Oz voice of being horny and all around slutty that constantly lives there.

"This is getting us nowhere," Oz himself decided to just cut the internal argument off before it turns into a blood match to the death. This was disturbing his routine of stalking Noe for ...research purposes.

Oz looked over to now see them sitting down at the nearby cafe. They were seated across from each other. Oz noted Noe might be enjoying his usual coffee or tea. He liked it extra sweet either way. The man has one hell of a sweet tooth.

"Yeah I bet that brown haired hussie doesn't know that, but I do," Oz thought to himself smugly.

Oz looked back at Noe's companion to see her touching his arm and doing the egregious crime of looking into his magnificent purple eyes. Wait....was she now touching his face?

"You lucky bitch," Oz thought to himself this time with anger brows drawn on the words for dramatic emphasis.

Oz ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Damn it! How long is this date going to last? I hope it stops before I puke up a lung," Oz thought to himself this time internally rolling in pain.

Hours passed and Oz with surprising tenacity had stayed there all day following Noe around with the clever disguise of wearing a hat and ya know some shabby clothes. Truly no way he could be recognized. Yep, he's got it all figured out.

Oz decided to follow them home from a fair distance. Oz looked up to see the sunset. It was starting to get dark and Oz hated the dark, but he hated certain people who might harm those he loves even more. A little nyctophobia isn't gonna hurt.

Oz followed quietly until he noticed they stopped in front of a flat. It was her flat. Noe escorted her to the door like the gentleman he is and waved her good night. Oz had found a nice dark alleyway to hide in so he wouldn't be spotted.

Noe headed towards Oz's direction which caused Oz to hide deeper into the darkness. Oz bit his lip from the anxiety of being found and having some explaining to do. Like who was he kidding? This disguise was paper thin!

Noe looked like he was passing by Oz, then stopped. Oz froze. Oh god had he spotted him?

Before Oz could register what happened next, Noe had gone in a flash. Oz knew he was fast, but he couldn't see where he went.

It was then a grunt and the sound of what seemed to be something getting bashed against the wall behind Oz. Oz slowly turned to find Noe whose hand was pressing something against the wall.

It was then he grabbed whatever he was holding and slammed it again. Oz stared into the darkness to see his eyes glowing red to match the blood on his gloves.

After another slam, the clear sound of bone cracking from the impact could be heard. Noe dropped, what Oz could assume, the now lifeless body of the person he just killed.

Noe turned to see Oz and Oz froze. "Ok ok maybe he doesn't know it's you," Oz thought to himself. "Oh I know."

"Aye top of the morning to you," Oz did in his best Irish accent that he could muster.

Noe leaned down and inspected Oz. Oz could only look at Noe confused as Noe lifted Oz's arms and looked over Oz's face and the rest of his person.

Noe then gave a sigh of relief. "Good, I was afraid he had hurt you Oz," Noe said putting a hand on Oz's shoulder.

"Wait, you knew it was me," Oz said face turning hot.

"I mean, I'd recognize you from anywhere. You're not hard to miss," Noe pointed out.

"Oh uuu so what happened exactly," Oz asked now curious about the now lifeless elephant in the room.

Oz went to look at the supposed body only for Noe to yank him back and shook his head no.

"You're squeamish," Noe said taking his bloody glove off, putting his now bare hand on Oz's face,"I wouldn't look."

Oz shuddered taking Noe's advice.

"The man had been following you. I know of him. That vampire right there would have killed you where you stood if I hadn't done something," Noe said honestly.

Oz batted his lashes in shock taken aback. "I...almost died," Oz asked.

Noe nodded. "Fortunately, he doesn't kill in broad daylight, so I had to wait til night. I had just noticed him following you today. I don't know how long he's been doing it for, but if I had noticed earlier, he would have been dead on the first day," Noe nearly growled out. "I'd rather not have killed him in broad daylight either,ut if I had to, I would have," Noe wanted to point out. "If he had attacked you, I absolutely would have."(edited)

Oz turned pale. "W-wait, when did you notice I was...," Oz said not knowing how to word his next question.

"Following me," Noe asked for him, "Since I left the house. You're not exactly subtle."

Oz blushed. "Oh uh sorry I was just curious as to what your daily routine was like and then I noticed you had a female companion, so I was trying to see if you were safe," Oz said nervously.

"Her? She was lonely and needed company, so I obliged. She's a bit friendly, but so am I," Noe pointed out.

"So are you...interested in her? Dating her even," Oz asked getting to the point.

Noe shook his head. "Not in the slightest," Noe said heading towards the body making effort to cover it up. "I'll dispose of the body in a minute. Let's take the back ways so I'm not caught soaked in blood. I need to get you home," Noe said quickly leading him back.

"Wait what if someone finds it," Oz asked fearfully.

"This will be quick," Noe said picking up Oz and speeding off.

Oz could often forget how fast this unstoppable force of a man was.

A few minutes later, Oz was back on his doorstep. Oz rubbed the back of his neck looking towards Noe wondering what Noe was going to do now.

"Now, go inside and don't come check on me. I don't want to have to hide more bodies this evening should more make the fatal mistake of coming after you," Noe said waiting til Oz got to his door.

"Ok ok," Oz said opening his door.

Oz waved Noe off as he sped away to do the dirty work.

Later that night, Oz flopped over into the bed still registering the fact he just saw Noe Archiviste straight up body a man. The sweet, gentle lamb of a man just increased the body count this evening. The man was now a statistic in vampire based deaths. Truly mystifying.

Oz wanted to stay up and see if Noe was going to be ok. However, sleep took Oz before Oz could make any quick decisions. It had been a long day.

As Oz slept, Noe crept in with any blood soaked clothes supposedly disposed of. Noe bent down and ran his fingers through Oz's hair.

Noe's fingers drifted to Oz's pulse on his neck. Long has Noe fantasized about marking Oz's neck. The thought made him shiver, but he couldn't. He couldn't bare to do it with him possibly not consent as marking someone like that is a big deal.

Noe pressed a little more of the pulse of Oz's neck. The beat made Noe's heart race and what Noe could swear was drool. To be so intimate with Oz to the point he trusts Noe to drink his blood. It was enough to make him shiver.

Noe shook himself from these thoughts. He couldn't give in. Not without Oz's permission.

Noe got up quietly and shut Oz's door bedroom door behind him as he left. He couldn't bare to kiss Oz's face good night as he was afraid it would trigger something in him.

Noe fled out the door into the dead of night towards his place. He wouldn't let any harm come to Oz. Even if that danger was himself.

[pbandjesse]

Im not having a very good time today. Which feels extra bad because yesterday was so nice. I am feeling very weird about everything. Scared about going back to work. Scared about never going back to work. About how my plans may all have to change for the summer. How I was supposed to be with my family this weekend but I am not. I was just so damn tired. It wasnt good. I didnt do much. My low fever from yesterday is gone though, and my cough isnt as frequent. Still gross and hurts but its not as often. So thats postive.

 Im sitting here with James while he played a video game. We tried to play a couple games together today but after a little I would just get to stressed. I just dont find that fun. I just like collecting games. I want to play things with him though and he is trying hard to find things he thinks I would like. And so many are like a penny right now. So I appreciate the effort. Im just tired. 

I slept better last night. But I was woken up by someone playing the radio incredibly loudly out in the street while they trash picked. And like the music was whatever, made me laugh. But then the very loud radio announcements and commercials made me want to scream. That was not a fun way to wake up. 

James tried to make up donuts but they came out all flat and my sense of taste is still very messed up so I didnt enjoy them as much as I hoped. They smelled nice though. And I really love him for trying. 

I got a shower and washed my hair. I felt very good today. I weighed myself and Im down to 159. Thats a 3lb pandemic loss. My rings fit better and this dress wasnt so tight in the boobs. Just gotta keep up the eating habits. Which is both easier and harder when you are just at home. 

Im sort of past the eat all the snacks phase of it. I am mostly just bored. I dont even want to eat because nothing tastes right. 

But that zapped my energy. I enjoyed playing my animal crossing. And I redesigned all of my cabin and camp. But I couldnt get myself to do much else. 

James went for a ride and I was able to muster up some energy to paint on my big painting for a while. That was nice. I didnt do any sewing which Im slightly disappointed in. But thats okay. I could only work for so long before I went and laid down. 

It also really didnt help that it was much colder today then yesterday. I just couldnt seem to get warm. Which made me pretty miserable. I closed all the windows and put on socks and that helped but not as much as I wanted. I did some cleaning. Changed out pillow cases. Tried to make nice. 

I had some pasta salad. Then James was home when I was listening to my podcast. We played some of the games together. But I was hungry and all I wanted was burger king. So we ordered on grubhub. Support those drivers in this weird time. 

The app had a funny mistake in it though. Medium fries were the normal price. Like $2.97 or something. But the large fries were alsmot $10?? How large are these fries?? So we got mediums and waited. 

Didnt take long at all. And it was good to eat something like that honestly. Even with my messed up tastes. It made me feel a little more connected to the outside world maybe? Thats silly but its now been a week since my job interview and any real time I have spent outside of this apartment. I am afraid that Im going to become agoraphobic or something after thing. I miss my family mostly. And I feel very tired. 

After we ate, James asked what he could do to clean because we had done all the normal things. So I gave him so tasks while I laid down. I didnt sleep. I just watched videos and played animal crossing. James came and laid with me for a while and that made me feel calm enough to sleep for a while. 

When I got up James tried to ask when I wanted for dinner but everything savory made me feel kind of sick to think about. So we ended up having crepes with apples. I missed the sunlight but I did get some of a drawing in before it was to dark to see details. Ill finish that tomorrow probably. 

We played a couple levels of this game until I felt to stressed by it. And now I really just want to wash my face and lay back down. I just feel so tired deep in my soul. 

Tomorrow I hope I feel better. I will wear something warmer. I want to feel better. I hope you are all are doing alright. Stay safe. Pray for this all to be over soon. 

[pengosolvent]

really frightened that i am lacking something essential and will never be able to be a skilled or creative artist no matter how hard i try. equally frightened that i have sabotaged my own progress in various ways and have wasted years backsliding and will never “get back” any skill i did previously exhibit. do you have any suggestions for how to continue to produce art and improve even when constantly suffocated by fear

anon this is a common but unfortunate occurrencei feel this a lot too this is a very long reply because i think about this kinda stuff often, so there’s a readmore

i’ve got some advice for you, though i’m sure you’ve probably already heard some if not all of this before, so i don’t mean to talk to you like this is new magic info, but just reiterating stuff that i try to keep in mind that might work for you tooalso i want to point out that i’m not a professional remotely, so the things i’m stating are completely from my own personal experiences ….. and also i struggle with perfectionism and other things so while i give this advice i also still have trouble with the problems noted and also i use a lot of examples and comparisons when i talk because its easier for me to understand things that way

anyway:

1- you are the person who sees your art the mostthis is a very obvious thing, to state but it ties directly into a lot of what you’ve statedyou feel you lack something essential, you feel you’ve backslid and lost previous skills, and youre afraidbut think about the other art you seeyou ONLY see the end result of what everyone posts… or even if people do post in-progress pictures or speedpaints, you’re not really seeing the “scope” of it with in-progress pictures, you don’t know how much changed or how much was erased how much time was spent how much etc with speedpaints, you see all the progress but its sped up and it’s easy to feel like all of that was done faster than it really was even if youre aware its sped up

and even if you watched a realtime video of someone drawing… theres thousands of hours outside of that video of this person doodling, and even THINKING about their art that you havent seen it makes other peoples art feel a lot more.. confident? secure?

for your own art however, you are fully aware of the struggle of every line because you’re the one doing it and thinking about itit might make you feel like you’re trying so hard when everyone else has just Got it

2- experiencing art as a consumer vs a creator is a different feelingthis is directly tied to the previous idea but it’s easy to feel like you lack something essential when, instead of consuming the art, you are the one producing it 

here’s an example: i love horror contentnot all of it of course, but i love horror that really makes me think and makes me see a characters motivations and really digs in deep psychologically and sticks with you even after you’re done experiencing the media

however it is very very hard for me to make anything that is strictly horror. for a long time i thought i was just bad at it, but i realized later that i’m not missing something that helps to write/draw horror … i just experience horror different based on if i’m consuming it vs making it part of the horror appeal to me is the MYSTERYif i am writing/drawing horror, there is NO mystery! i know everything there is to know about the situation i am making! i know all the character’s motivations, i know everything there is to know about every tiny detail and even if i am writing something where i don’t know what happens so it’s a purposeful mystery (such as in this comic where i don’t know what happens if you take off the tinier beak) it sometimes feels less Cool Mystery for me and more like “oh no i don’t know this thing, oh god, i’m a bad writer”i’ve gotten over that little by little, but it’s still hard to shake that i’m “missing” something with work that ISN’T mine its easy to put meaning that may not have been totally intended and THINK that the person meant it, and thus feel like that thing is more thought-out than it actually is

you might be experiencing something similar with art… where it feels like when you see OTHER art, you feel happy or like theres a meaning there etc but with your own art, you can’t capture that same feeling… it could literally be because you know what youre going for and what youre doing because youre the one doing it

3a- old art feels better sometimes because it is more removed from youyou know better than i do in this regard if this is true to you, because sometimes people can genuinely get rusty and lose but for the most part older art tends to feel better due to the fact it is becoming more and more removed from your current state and mindsetold art starts to slowly get treated the way you read Other people’s art because you’re not staring at it constantly and you start to forget the process and effort behind the old art

sometimes you can’t see well if your new art is “better” or not because it is too current on your mind and you know how hard it is to make and if it does or doesnt match what you were going for or etc etcmeanwhile your old art starts to be viewed more objectively because you dont remember every difficult line with it, and you can see it as a bit better because you’re not bogged by the negativity

3b- even if you fell off, you can regain the skill

even if you DID get worse over time… you did it once before and you can do it againyou can learn from your old works, but also try to learn from your old mentality a lot of my old stuff was more expressive and emotivei could learn to do that again mechanically, imitating my old stuff, but a big part of why my art was that way was because my mentality was different back then i was louder, more open, etc etcthink about what’s changed within you to see reasons for things changed in your art

4a- fear only works if you’re afraid of being badit is important to be able to see ways you can improve… but it’s also important not to fear that you have areas that CAN improveif you view “making something bad” as a punishment/negative outcome your fear directs itself through all your art

the easiest point fear can attack is starting to draw at allbefore you start drawing its very easy for your mind to go “why do this? why try if it’s just going to be stressful” and all through out the process that ramps up like “see it’s just stressful why do it”

your fear seemingly offers you something to gain if you don’t even try: avoiding the pain of art altogether

but what if you were unphased by that pain? if you don’t care about making something bad, that fear can’t manifest

some artists start their day by drawing the shittiest thing they can to shake off rust and have fun doing it … drawing a cartoon character from memory, drawing and overly rendered shitpost etc now i’m not saying not to care about your quality and take a ton of shortcuts and blablait’s still good to want to learn and improve it’s just that you have to start rearranging your perspective on your steps to achieve that

4b- no-stakes neutral is no problemhow do you get rid of that fear? how do you stop feeling being bad is.. bad?

try to view arts range as neutral to positive (as opposed to negative to postive) because at it’s base that’s exactly what art is what i mean by that is…let’s say you’re trying to draw a cat (and it’s not a commission or anything). your first attempt does not look anything like a cat this is not a “bad” thing though it may feel that way your failed attempt at a cat has not stabbed you or taken money or food from you or in any way truly inconvenienced you

the base idea is that you drew something and it wasn’t what you wanted this is completely neutral.. it’s like going to look for a new shirt. if you see shirts you don’t care for, you move past them until you get to the shirt you want.your “bad art” is just that. a bunch of shirts you don’t want til you find the one you’re looking for… you don’t have to pay anything for those “bad” attemptssure they take a bit of time and if you don’t have a lot of energy you might feel bad to use it on a drawing that you don’t enjoy and it can be frustrating if you keep trying to no avail, but all in all it’s not a stark negative

art isn’t a straight pathit’s winding, it’s really confusing , and it can be tiringbut if you go down a path that’s a dead end, you just try another pathdon’t fear reaching dead ends, there are always more paths

chuck jones (an iconic animator) said he had to draw multiple drafts to get expressions just right failure is in the eye of the beholder… he felt the first drafts for those expressions did not fit what he wanted, but he didn’t fear failure because of that even if the art was not by his standards, he continued until he got the one he felt was appropriate

it takes patience to get to where you wantif you stay patient you will eventually arrive there

5- drawing and thinking go hand in handart is a blend of being able to draw and being able to problem solve through what you already knowwhen i get stressed with art it’s usually because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with no way to check myself if i’m close to what i want or not with me it tends to happen with backgrounds or animalsthis is why ppl typically suggest learning to draw cubes, cylinders and spheres from any angle because then you can transfer that base knowledge into other objectslike, cubes can be used to draw rooms, boxes, screens, fences, etccylinders can be pipes, water bottles, arms and legs, etc

transfering base knowledge is essential in art and understanding that you can do that, even if only as a base, helps a lotwith learning how to draw a mouse, you have a starting point for learning how to draw a rat (comparing the headshapes, sizes, ears, etc)… then you can use these two as a base point for drawing a squirrel, then a rabbit etc

another example could be maybe you know how to draw claws but not fangs… you can interchange the shape of a curved claw for a curved fang easily

starting with something you know and figuring out how to transfer the knowledge is very important and can help lessen that stress because instead of not even knowing where to start, you can problem solve to figure out what you already know under different termsits just all about knowing what connections you can try and learn, and working “smart”

on that vein… 6- perfecting things doesn’t make perfectit’s very tempting to make every tiny detail as good as you possibly can… but it’s very daunting and time consumingyou should try to work “smart” here too and now what i mean by that is … say i’m making a comic. i can make the comic to the absolute best of my current ability and take forever and become extremely drained Or… i could decide to try but still set a deadline for myself, and not worry TOO much about the smaller details why is the second one better? because i will get it done. if i try very very hard my ABSOLUTE best on a comic, making sure every single line is perfect, in a few months that comic will still be outdated. it will still get old and the amount i learned from it is limitedif i give myself some leeway (still trying of course, still learning and challenging myself) and set a deadline, i learn to be disciplined in my comics, i get a comic finished, AND i learn more because i am finishing more work in general

this is a really helpful video that explains this point more in depth 

this isn’t to say you need to take the easiest routes for art that are availableit’s more like… back to the comic example, let’s say it’s like making a cake i can be a huge perfectionist about my cake, carving everything exact and putting every drop of frosting as exact as i can… but i’m still not a “master” at this i’m still learning the next time i make a cake i’m going to have to do the same situation … take forever to try to make the perfect cake

if i make a cake and still try, but accept when i don’t know how to get the exact result, my first cake is going to be a bit of a mess, but the next cake i make, i’ll be a little closer and in the time it takes Perfectionist Me to make 2 cakes, i might have already made 10 and i’ve sped up the process now and improved because i’ve learned a lot with those 10 cakes

there’s probably more that can be said about art, but i’m hesitant to try to dictate too much about how you experience your art and go about it i hope that this can help you at least a bit though

[thatjwguy]

Johnny Cash The Man Comes Around with Lyrics

Does Satan Exist - Lets Get The Facts

WARNING: Heavy talk about the supernatural and other things occult related will be here so if you are frightened with these subjects i would suggest not reading any further, although it might help you to decern between reality and fiction. Much love, always. 

2 Corinthians 4:4

among whom the god of this system of things has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, so that the illumination of the glorious good news about the Christ, who is the image of God, might not shine through.

So let's review what we do know, if you are a biblical person and have discernment of any kind then you should at least have some sense of who Satan is and just how deceptive he can be, i will go on record and say iv been deceived many times by the devil. It's a constant struggle every day to keep your head above water. Quite literally feels at times like you are being pulled under by some force you cannot explain. You have probably heard the expression, battling one's inner demons. Well what if that term could be used literally, one might have his or her own personal real-life demonic presence of some kind. If you have ever dove into the waters of spirituality at all you know that a higher power does exist, correct? Well if the metaphysical realm really does exist, what makes you so certain bad entities do not exist? Especially when it has be proven time and time again by not only “Christians” but by the New Age, Wicca, Hinduism etc etc.  Something more is out there that people are actively tapping into, clearing their minds and letting themselves be guided by the spirit. Some may view this as a universal energy, everyone can tap into it at any point if they want. Yes, but have you not noticed that it always seems to point you in a direction the leads you away from Gods teachings. I’m referring to 1st century Christianity before paganism was introduced and then defiled Jehovah’s original teachings. 

AWAKE! August 8, 2002

The crusaders of about a thousand years ago missed the point that living “according to Christ” means much more than simply professing allegiance to Jesus Christ. (Matthew 7:21-23) It means living in complete harmony with the teachings of Jesus as found in God’s inspired Word, the Bible. (Matthew 7:15-20; John 17:17) “If you remain in my word,” said Jesus Christ, “you are really my disciples.” (John 8:31) “All will know that you are my disciples,” he said, “if you have love among yourselves.”​—John 13:35. In truth, those crusaders had fallen prey to “empty deception according to the tradition of men.” And it is little wonder that ordinary people were deceived, when their religious leaders, their very bishops, “became renowned  as military men.” A “warlike spirit became so common among the clergy,” says the Cyclopedia of Biblical, Theological, and Ecclesiastical Literature, by McClintock and Strong, “that whenever anything was to be gained [by it], they were ever ready for war.” 

More can be found on the internet, i choose to look at the JW.org website, they keep it clean and very simple in order to make it easy to learn about the bible and its teachings. This is almost a one-stop shop for everything bible related, but enough about that, let's get back to business. So this energy the people tap into is all around us and just at our disposal, as long as we follow the guidelines right? Well, that's funny i thought the point of true freedom was you get to do whatever you want whenever you want? Still seems like you need to follow some sort of pattern or governance of some kind in order to play ball. Laws obviously exist to keep us from going completely insane and causing chaos out there in the world. So with these New Age type practices, you still need them to keep yourself safe to some degree. 

Its funny though, cause with all of these teachings or at least the ones iv looked at. They seem to know of a dark energy as well. Something else is there, something you cannot mess with. Almost like the dark side in star wars or something, you can tap into it but you shouldn't. Okay, so they do believe in a dark energy as well... soo at least there's that. What if i told you though, that these energies could have the power to deceive you as well. Mimic anything you could ever want, sound like whoever they want, even look like whoever they want in order to fake you out. Just like the movie business, man they can really make people look like a totally different person. So what makes you think this cant happen in a spirit? 

Revelation 12:9

9So down the great dragon was hurled, the original serpent,the one called Devil and Satan,who is misleading the entire inhabited earth;he was hurled down to the earth,and his angels were hurled down with him.

Believe me i don't like this either, i once thought i even had powers i couldn't explain and all that business. Its harder for others im sure because much of what they have been taught throughout the years is founded in these ideologues. They don't want this to be fake, because that means undoing whatever held beliefs they have had. This could range from being reincarnated, afterlife, a heavenly hope of some sort. Its hard to do but not impossible, it just means making some adjustments that's all, not just completely uprooting yourself from everything you are doing. Take a break for a while and find yourself again, perhaps more is needed to be learned. Your journey is only over when you take your last breath, remember that. 

This might be the point where cognitive dist sets in for most people, when you have two contradicting beliefs in your head and you either shut the one out, or just simply change it to fit your narrative. I might link the video where that is talked about, people having two opposing thoughts and trying to ignore one or change one to fit what you want. Seems to be the way people tend to think, unless they just completely ignore anything that goes opposed to what they think just to keep their illusion going, cause god forbid they actually think critically right? Sorry perhaps im taking this a bit too far, could you sense the passive-aggressive nature of that?

Link to video on cognitive dissance 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Y17YaZRRvY

The point of this post is to challenge your beliefs, cause i know you might be an individual who is unbelieving or just skeptical of the spiritual side of things. So from this point on i will just give you links to articles or videos that might further your understanding of all these things. If you are truly questioning this then you would do the research, insted of running away, you would do what is necessary  in order to gain more insight on the topic. Then again, i may just be wasting my time with this post anyway. Though i see it as a postive, iv at least caught your attention long enough to read this entire thing. The seed might have already been planted and now you might be questioning your reality. I wish you all well on your endeavors fellow bloggers and internet people. 

Link Bombs

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/bible-study/angels-in-the-bible/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TB9PaZBdGY&index=33&list=PLzcSerCuk3W70XCYLA0PQs4NGtBA7OdVZ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyaHgawWgNM

http://dismythed.blogspot.com/search?q=demons https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyYStHGxjFk

[buddyhollyscurls]

blossom (do all 3), blush, bright, candlelight (or whenever your last dream was), cuddly, cutie pie, daylight, euphoric, fairy, garden, glow, jiggly, kisses, prince, princess, rainbow, starlight, soft, toot, whiffle, wispy (sorry there were just so many questions i liked!!!)

MY DEAREST DIANA U ARE AN ABSOLUTE TREASURE THANK YOU SO MUCH

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?:

favorite book: the pigman series by paul zindel, because of romek by david faber, and the catcher in the rye by jd salinger 

favorite movie: life is beautiful, la strada, coco 

favorite song: ironia by mana, back to black by amy winehouse, i’ve been good to you by the miracles 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?: when i was about 12? or so my brother got me and my sister a gift card for build a bear workshop lol i got a bunny i named babz she has on a purple sweat suit. i kept the box and her birth certificate but my niece messed them up and lost her jacket when she was a baby :( but i still have babz she sits on my vanity in my room i don’t think i’ll ever be able to give her up. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?: definitely faires i hope to be a fairy in my next life preferably a forest one who is able to make plants grow

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?: the last dream i REMEMBER had something to do with my trying to prevent death?? IDK BLAME GOBLIN I HAD JUST FINISHED WATCHING IT AND IT WAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED THAT SHOW FUCKED ME UP 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?: the 60s have always held a huge fascination for me. like i remember i used to love February bc that was when we would talk about the civil rights movement and stuff and through that i remember being like 12 and seeing documentaries about the black panthers and woodstock. 

most precious item you own: i have a lot of those babz is one, i’m a very sentimental person i have a hello kitty box filled with pics friends have given me i have a Berenstain bears book i once put in a time capsule with my sister and brother that we had to dig up super early bc we moved ummm i still have cards and stuff friends have given me one is even from my tenth birthday, drawings my niece has made me, a shoebox full of journals i’ve filled up things like that i feel if i made them or if someone gave them to me they’re super precious. my book and movies as well.

favorite album of all time: tie between back to black or stg peppers 

talk about someone u love: i’m going to talk about my nieces and nephews rn bc i love them so much: adelie is the oldest she’s ten and my favorite person in the whole world. when she was born i took care of her a lot even stopped going to school for about a year so my sister could go and we got so close bc of that she is just so funny and silly and loving i hate that my girl has to grow up i want her to be little forever. next is my nephew Malcolm he’s so energetic and he plays a bit too rough with adelie and his brother and sister but he’s a great big brother he looks out for them and he and adelie get along super well. nicole is next she is an actual angel she is the sweetest girl in this entire planet she is so nurturing and she is super helpful and gentle. and finally my nephew diego. he’s three and the exact clone of my brother i even have this ig post of a side by side photo from when my brother was little they’re wearing red shirts and i stg they even have the same smile. my little man is so cute. when he was born it took a little while for him to warm up to us bc we don’t get the chance to see him as much as we did when adelie was born. but now its a complete 180 sometimes i’ll be walking and he’ll just run up and give me a hug and it makes my heart soar 

fairy; do you have a pet?: sadly i don’t haha i want to have a senior cat or senior dog but that’ll have to wait until i get my own place. hopefully whenever i get into something called a serious relationship we can get a puppy together and raise it together but who knows when that’ll come i don’t want a puppy until then tho

garden; how many languages do you know?: outside english i know spanish and a tiny bit of italian and portuguese just barely tho lol not enough to have a conversation but i can probably pick up a few sentences i want to learn italian portuguese french (that one is SUPER HARD THO FRENCH WTF) and maybe arabic 

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

1: ppl tell me i’m funny

2. i’m really honest 

3. i’m tenacious 

4. i’m very empathetic 

5. for the most part i’m a postive person i’m one of those ppl that are just everyone’s personal cheerleader 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?: watch movies lmaoooo this weekend alone i saw train to busan, silenced, see you tomorrow, this is not what i expected, turn left turn right, and lust caution. i don’t see movies during the week (during school anyway) so usually all week i try to be like what am i watching this weekend. it’s very rare i willingly make plans over the weekend we can hang out during the week but weekends are for movies.

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?: i am a romantic sap lol i am the cheesiest person i know but for some reason i’m not into cliches i guess like hmmm i guess for me the one i want most is to fall in love with my best friend. like i meet someone and we just click and they make me do the chris evans laugh A LOTand i’m able to open up and just talk with them and gradually one day its like oh snap. so this is the person i’m supposed to be with. tight. 

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?: atrocious. sometimes i can’t even read what i just wrote. but i hear ugly handwriting is a sign of high intelligence so theres that lmaooo. 

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?: uuuuhhh i don’t :((((((((( if i could i wish i could play guitar (i only know a few chords) drums, piano, bass, even the sitar ok brian and george made it look sick af 

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?: “For the first time ever, I think Haddock may have a point, you know.” my mad fat diary by rae earl (if u haven’t seen the show i highly rec it it’s one of my fave ever just a side note)

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?: hey arnold ok don’t even get me started on it i’ll talk forever how great it is even now its just timeless even adults should watch it and i’ve said this before and i’ll say it a million more times helga g pataki is probably one of the most complex, interesting, well written female character EVER on any show i owe craig bartlett my entire life. 

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house: the dining room its huge and its got big windows i love looking out windows so when i write i like sitting at the table to look out every now and then sometimes i’ll just look out that window when i wake up and be like damn its a new day. 

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?: hmmm…. i guess how idealistic i am. and how intense i feel about things. when i was a kid i thought everyone had strong feelings about something and just LOVED things all the time but getting older i realize being passionate about things esp things like books and tv and movies is really………. odd haha. like even now i will type paragraphs about a favorite movie or something that happened in a show and my friends will be like why are u like this. the same goes with how idealistic i am like thought it was normal to have so many things u want to do and see in the world but when i talk to my friends theyre like oh i just never thought about doing that so it makes me feel odd sometimes bc i know i expecet a lot out of life hahahaha. 

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?: either flight or invisibility 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?: i LOVE san diego and i LOVE california (in spite of how damn expensive it is here) but even when i was little i didn’t see myself living here as an adult with a family. i just always felt like this world is so big why live in one place your whole life. one day i want to live somewhere green and have my farm with my little animals and soccer team of kids haha. like linda and paul mccartney. 

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Truth be told

Life is a funny thing full of shitty things and happy things.

i think when im older ill look back on these and just dread it all. it curls my stomach to read my old journeys. not in a bad way really but not in a good way.

as my son is getting older and older i am faced daily with confronting myself with my own inner child.

well how was i raised? what did they do when i did this? well did i like what they did when i did that? was it necessary. this jumble of words cascades from my mind. all these questions i never had before ...thought about.

i never really thought about how or why i did something. how i reacted. how i learned... its crazy how its shaped by those who raised us.

as i am now the one doing the raising you come to these moments every SECOND and think IF i do it this way i could change his whole world right now.

example: if i yell right now for him making this mess, i could destroy his ego or teach him a lesson. do i use force . do i yell.

in that moment every mistake uve made as a kid comes to mind. every parent who taught you that lesson comes forth and you think hmm i can approach things so many different ways.

you decide whatever you decide.

as a mom i see it this way now.

im going to mess up i mean its a give in

and mess up is a silly word because its all a learning process LIFE

so assuming just by living it that you'd mess up well thats instantly pessimistic. BUT anyway

im going to keep trying till the outcome seems even, not so bad not so good . not hurtful but helpful

coming to these cross roads doesnt mean that the way i was raised was wrong. AGAIN i dont really see wrong or right. life is crazy and if we argue about mundane issues like....wrong....or right... we could be here for months.

morally correct- ok. wrong in the sense of 2+2=5 OKAY.

but i mean im always saying the apple is the apple. if we argue about the hues of green and the bitter and sweetness we both agree its an apple. maybe u like it maybe i dont. my opinion isnt helping the situation or growing it in a positive way- why bicker. its non sense and such a waste of energy

SO

yeah if i change the way i run my marriage and parenting its not about being some fuckin rebel. its just about me living my life.

my sons 3. he is brighter than any star ive ever been able to gaze upon. being in his light makes one feel special and free. you could only dream of being in his attention because it would be such radiation. i am his attention most moments. 23 hours out of the 24 hour day . and i try and glorify every minute.

as he grows i simply try and stay excited to meet the next version of himself. i just want to build a relationship with him where he feels safe.... safe to be himself. to speak his mind. to act freely and truly be himself in whatever fashion. i want him to feel confident in himself and in me to be able to ask all types of questions and figure out all types of answers together, because maybe one answer isnt necessarily the only answer.

i want him to learn all about life and love and be excited to learn more and more about it. maybe to the point where his lust will never get full- that as his cup over flows he only continues to give to others. and the more and more he gets the more and more he can give.

that that fire in him never fades.

that doubt never over clouds his judgement

and that if only- like today and yesterday and from every moment since i was able to hold him for the first time- that he forever finds comfort in my holding. and shelter in my arms from whatever maybe hard on him for the moment.

i cant expect more than that. i truly cant. life has to happen and learning has to happen, and with life and learning come mistakes and opportunities and saddness and greatness and that is LIFE as we know it. to expect more OF him i believe would take away from whats meant to just be. JUST be julian. just be you.

id like to the biggest guide and support i can. to honor to keep u safe and healthy. to talk it out. work it out. see all the sides so we can simply understand each other. i want to bask in ur light forever.

like most days these days arguing and yelling is so common. my mothers opinion is a constant reminder to do something or change something. instead of just being nothing. her mind is constantly flooded with worry and love and its all very confusing. i dont believe love is that hard. i do believe i was raised to believe it is among many other things but as ive learned..its not. worrying is not love. its a by product- a sub by product if that, love can be so many other greater postive things. worry should be the last. her expectations and how she has lived and thought control her actions. i feel she lets her expectaions could the reality. that reality IF it differs then her thoughts then it must be less. it must be incorect. it must be fixed.

i dont feel thats the case. im not aruing her way is wrong in any sense but i think our ways are deff different. and thats okay as i grow "my way " changs every second - logic would tell me that as i approch my 70th year of life i would have changed so much so that im sure my way would infact be similiar to yours. but that moment..is not now.

now is when i am able to make my own decsions. and those decisons need to be made and tended to be me.

i think its fair to say that with the 44 yr differnce between us we are entitled to have different opinions on most topics. the age the era. its a give in. so why argue about those things.. the things we cant really chnage or predict but have shaped us from within. old trauma's - life events.. these things have happened but they dont need to necessarily impact us in a negative way. i dont think any experience is meant to impact us in a negative way. i think it would best or better to learn and adapt and create the most postive "ness" we can cuz one can only grow in healthy soil.

her opinion and her thoughts no longer feed my soul. my self. they no longer impact me greatly. with postive impact but only bring negative thoughts and feelings. you are entitled to feel what u feel and how u feel it but i dont believe youre entitled to make meeee have to feel those feelings. i can understand u simply by u having raised me. by us having had a discussion. i know the feeling of making new steps in the sand. i just dont feel its fair to make me feel shitty for walking my own path.

just because its different doesnt mean its wrong

just because were learning and growing daily doesnt make us naive fools.

jp there is and never will be a right and wrong with u and me okay. prismic infinity honor and see all sides. lets argue less. listen always. i want to be someone u simply want to be around.

im done arguing about this apple

[jakenice93-blog]

emm yooooo whats good

so i realized n i’m like maybe there are some people u know if you made bank with these i’m just tryna make a living i found since its cardano and neo , verge , golem, n like a bunch also like, i have 9ripple and 9vibe n, sia, district0x and likeee tron and singularity,, this is all i could afford so far w 40 dollars, the first four i feel will def go up in july, here are some of my codes if anyone can send me some shares! send me a msg 2 feel free))

i would appreciate it a lot for real

ADA

DdzFFzCqrhsffhrem28XJeTRsR5RjC5s3f6Sg43aKTzqSTTe65bXZ7gnAiXnyjGQcYyb7ToSiQ2QmEPg9pm5D8TU5XmuqmHDLXj8p6Lw

neo

AS2YnjJTsbMcav4GdTgzT3hBASLs46GnrG

xvg

DSkacmTNwbzfseGVzypiimeeS9vnpLzdHm

lol but emmm

sc lol

68741b92697299aae7351a3500ea833de497a55ad16b9bca7dc6147a01fc9f91d164ff10df2a

tron(trx lol

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

emmm tryna make gains, i’ll easily make 200k off ten dollars i bet but still,,lolfuk

dnt seems classic district0x i got like 42 shares now

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

here i still have 42 agi luckily i feel lol singularityNET

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

what seems to me is like how will it feel like 42x1k so i’m like alright but still its only 11cents a share rn

agi

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

and here at golem classic inner earth gnt will go up i read in july so i am tryna make ten dollars to spread into 2 others or more of like another good one or something

gnt golem at 9x i hope july

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

ripple,,, tag n addyres

105491392

rEb8TK3gBgk5auZkwc6sHnwrGVJH8DuaLh

imma be really surprised if someone gives me any of this free money from my post here but i fuckin appreciate it, this isn’t bad for me rn lol

somehow my xanax epilepsy is letting me on the pc for so long today its trippy

got 9 vibes

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

also a vibe vape that needs a battery

etherium classic??

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

theta i have none 

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

none of wepower rn solar energy rewards good future imagining

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

seemingly hela valueble MANA virtual reality money i def gotta get some soon 

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

or pls send)

fareal it would be tight if i had a bit in my portfolio bcs of this advertising,,,... 

mana to 100k fuckin tryna stay with the good sounding companies tho, like there is a spacey sounding one along w skycoin

sky coin sounds cool

i’m thinking aeron wil go to mars bcs its a spaceprogram lol i have none of this rn if you can send me 5 dollars it would be crazy

arn

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

ambrosus

amb

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

makin sure food is delivered safely and cleansed n cool origins space company again  would love to have shares in this

stellar lumens

1037100601

GAHK7EEG2WWHVKDNT4CEQFZGKF2LGDSW2IVM4S5DP42RBW3K6BTODB4A

just cuz lil b aion

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

n these two i’m finished lol

and if someone would give me a bit of jay z company here is

loopring

0x5ce373d27fd57b1895c771db1a9d87bc4d46d502

n iota i have none but seems crazy

UZVXRKNTAGQAJVKDAOXLOLFPNIASWDYCHHEYTVNPVHSZVFEAMJWXHLMOHERWLEWOSZZNHDSBBSOG9QQZXZVQVUJ9CY

i’m pretty stoked, i feel it would even make things happen faster if someone donated to me they may notice the postive change was made by u/them bcs this is how i found it to work moment to moment ,,

hit up my portfolio! i hope some1 can donate, i wanted to pick the best ones basically but i cant make a proper writing so this seems like a lot lol

fuckin neo n tron i feel are dope soon and ada/ cardano one is gonna be lit prolly, 

maybe u quietly hit me up and i will appreciate it so much, 6 dollars can go a long ways for sure n its gonna raise in price either way, but maybe it goes more your way than excpected?? hmu!! at the adresses! i also got ten free nolimit coins for joining their website!

gotta try n make a living somehow, all i need is deposit n a bit extra to back my rent bcs i guess a person needs like 2k for an apartment move in...

unless something cheap pops up its all crazy af n i need help badly i wont lie , its the only reason i post this stuff rn ,, i love the virtual reality and video games tokens but are hard to find, the kids i read are gettin rich off it but not the lower class yet... soon tho i see it gettin real easy new companies n all

aye)

[bunnysunnymew]

Ok, I sometimes get alot of hate from the right for not being super harsh twords anti-fat shaming feminism and always seeming to play devels advocate when the subject comes up. But I found this video shares alot of the same oppions I do. You don't have to be a dick and shame people just because they are overwhight. I'm not saying one should glorify it, i compleatly disagree with that by any means, but like if someone is 10-30 pounds overwight but they are ok with thier body I see no reason to make them feel like garbage over it. It bothers me when my friends who are no where near obese are always calling themselves fat and insisting this makes them ugly and wanting to go on super complex diets. Like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to eat healthier, and I agree with what she said in the video that it would be beneficial to alot of people if they cut soda out of thier diet and try and eat more fruts and vegetables. I even think it's not bad to try and incorporate more exercise into one's day to day lives (chooseing the farther away parking spot, walking somewhere close insted of driving, walking the dog on longer walks, going on an occasional hike when the wether is nice...ect). But the OBSESSION with wight and diets and the constant self lothing and crap that goes with it, idk, that's that aspect about it that really bothers me. Like, I think that's why feminism goes out of it's way to go to the extreme that it does (and I'm not by any means saying that's right, just that it's somewhat understandable) like it's a counter-culture to try and fix the diet/wight obbsessed culture that Americans already have. One witch I would argue is exreamly toxic and the big reason that so many yong people in this country have eating disorders. And it's EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! Like they are always talking about it on tv, the news and whatnot, it even gets pushed into childrens media, THERE ARE EVEN ENTIRE STORES JUST DEICATED TO IT. I'm sorry, but I find it kind of sicking, especially because they don't realise it but they are constantly emerging kids and teens in this diet culture and get-thin-get-heathy culture like all the time. And no, I'm not saying that if one is obese and stuff that they shouldn't try diets and exercising things, but even then I don't think they should be obsessed with it and I certently don't think that they need to be shamed and put down all the time by themselves and others. Also I'm not say that eating disorders (such as anorexia amd bulimia) are in any way justifiable or not stupid, however with thease kids and teens being totaly emersed in diet culture 100% of the time, it's not hard, at least for me, to see how one might be liable to fall into the trap of having that mentalty, as illogical as it may be. Anyway, in conclusion, I just want to say that while I'm not like a feminist or anything that is full on fat-postive, thin-negitive, I still don't think its right to shame people for their wights and I think our whole diet obsessed cuture is extremely toxic and that people should just take a step back and be a little nicer, to others and to themselves. It saddes me to see so meny people ride into, what I belive to be, an ill-spirted mentality, I think it crosses the line and goes from being honest and critical for the sake of helping the person to just being flat out mean and cruel (beyond the realm of just saying facts. Like I agree facts>feelings, 100% but this is less about pushing facts and more about putting others down because it's low hanging fruit). It espesaly saddens me to see meny of my friends adapt this mentally and the majory of those with my same political affiliation. So yeah, that's all I wanted to say about that, sorry for the rant lol.

[longstoriesfaraway]

A Year in Retrospect

Man, a blink of the eye and 2 years pass me by.

2016 was without doubt the worst year of my life. So it doesn’t really come as a surprise that 2017 was better, to say the least. But still, if you had asked me whether it was a good year, I’d still be hard-pressed to say that it was.

I encountered so many people and I tried my best to branch out, investing considerable time, effort and money to do so. But the return? It feels almost negligible. I feel like I’ve taken more harm than good. If you want me to talk about the postive highlights of my year, they’re pretty much all when friend from the UK came to visit me. That’s crazy.

I joined a church for a bit. A friend invited me along thinking that when I did this back in my second year of university, after the first year which, at that time, had been my worst year, it did wonders for me, so that this should be like that too, right? Man, I felt like I was connecting for a while. Then the differences in culture began to diverge. Or maybe it was just their church way. In any cases, it became extremely suppressing instead and I left, though not without upsetting my group leader, to whom I bore an almost malicious disrespect. Though I think I still spend time with some of the church members from time to time, I doubt I’ll return to that church again.

Church should really be a place where you can culture and mature yourself. Put too many rules and strictures in place and you’ll soon find yourself constricted - unable or unwilling to do certain things for fear of dying by condemnation and judgement of your peers. I felt like a number and not an individual and, truth be told quite frankly, language barrier simply proved too much. On my way out, I fear I may have damaged relationships that I would have found valuable along my life, with very little short of returning to that church able to repair such damage. So therein my first endeavour of the year to network and enrich my life failed.

Trying to find a date is a goddamn disaster. If you’re not white or handsome or rich or have some other outstanding feature, you’re practically invisible. Then, there’s the whole culture of women not starting dating until they’ve established a career at the age of ~30. And by God, do I know how to choose them. Those very few that I might by chance happen to meet and take an interest in, either they’re not interested in dating (for aforementioned reason) or they already have a SO. It takes so much out of me to ask someone on a date, take the time to build the relationship up, find out about them. Then, if ever I do pop the question, they never talk to me again. Like, I don’t mind staying friends, ladies. I just move on to someone else and try my luck elsewhere. This just kills me every time. Just for once, I’d really like it if someone I liked took the effort to ask me out. I’m all suckered out for this; I feel lilke I lose a bit of my soul each time I try. The universe just does not give me a goddamn break on this one.

Comfort. Oh boy. Been thinking about this one for some time. Korea just does not do physical contact, which includes the most simple and soothing mental health aid - hugging. I can’t hug ANYONE. Foreigner friends aside (who I see few and far between anyway), Koreans just don’t do skinship. They’re like bloody children, thinking you’ll get lurgies or something if you make physical contact with someone of the opposite sex. When people say goodbye, it’s not with hugs and fist bumps, but a bow or nod of the head, formal goodbyes and a-dropping my heart on the goddamn floor because it feels like no-one gives a crap. I’m not sure I feel close to anyone in particular. Guys are nice enough and all bro-like, but it’s definitely not the same as getting a hug from a female friend from time to time and knowing AND feeling like someone gives a damn about you. As it is, everyone often feels like an acquaintance and not actually a friend. Which transitions into my next problem.

Managing emotional stress. I’m all cried out. Pretty much. Today I cried whilst in the shower for once. Can you guess why? I cried because I have been unable to cry ever since before I came to Korea. And it upsets me. I couldn’t cry because it felt futile. Like crying would do no good. I didn’t even cry when my girlfriend broke up with me in 2016. Because a part of me already felt like some crap was about due in my life and I had already grieved its coming and going. I cried because I thought seriously about when I had last properly cried (I’m not counting superficial instances with dramas/movies/etc) and I remembered. Summer 2015. I had just moved to Macau. I screwed up bad then. I was with a friend and due to bring them to a dinner date with my parents who had taken the effort to reserve an extremely well-known bistro on the other side of the island. Due to a misunderstanding of the meeting time, as well running into traffic, I ended up never being able to make it there with my friend and I returned home with her to wait. My dad was furious to say the least and didn’t talk to me when he got home. Mum told me just to take my friend to a good restaurant nearby to have dinner, since we hadn’t eaten yet. Before leaving, I told my friend to wait by the elevator while I apologised to dad. He kind of acknowledged I said something, but otherwise we didn’t talk until the end of the night before we went to sleep where we had our reconcilatory talk. As I walked to the elevator and got in, my friend saw my expression and knew that I was the furthest thing from alright. I felt like I had failed everyone that night and someone I cared intensely for saw witness to it and the absolute wrath my father could bring to display. My soul was laid bare and I had no choice but to cry.

I thought about how that was how long it had been since I properly cried LIKE THAT and lamented my own soul. The thought of becoming devoid of my soul, my emotions, my ability to CARE, this terrified me. I want to care. I want someone to care. I was so upset as I came to the realisation that I was becoming sick and tired of becoming sick and tired of being upset and being able to express it to no avail, with no one to comfort me except my comfort toys. Inanimate soft toys that aren’t even big enough to cuddle properly.

I have been jumping so much between “God helps those who help themselves, so get my ass in gear and take control!” and “Well, I am a piece of crap anyway and nothing I do is going to change that...”. I just don’t know what to do any more. I don’t have the answers, I’m not even sure I have the questions. I’m not even sure I have the words to say anything any more. Well, I guess that’s ironic given how much I’ve written to this point.

It’s not all been bad. Though the bad does seem to outweigh what little good I seem to have in this year. I have been blessed with at least some consistent friends. Some who do take time out of their lives to spend their time with me weekly, studying. I owe a great thanks to the 2-3 that did this for any period of time. It did, in part, stop me from simply stagnating at home.

And school. Oh boy. What a fantastic place. I’m very lucky to have had this school. It gives me a lot of freedom, but grounds me enough to keep me consistent and, somewhat, professional. It gives me things to do. And I see wondrous things from the children, week in and week out. I reckon if I didn’t have my job this whole time, I’d probably have given it all up by now, hope and all. But work gave me some consistent purpose; grounding and no time to dwell too much on bad things. The children are bright young sparks to whom I share their emotions vicariously.

But children are just children and not a suitable replacement for someone who can actually understand the depth of your emotions and accept them. They are brilliant, fantastical and nothing short of amazing. I am not as they are.

But, well, as long as I am alive, tomorrow may bring something new. Maybe this year is the year.