#trying not to tag it bc i hate seeing those posts in the tag myself

[haywire-cebus]

i love writing. love googling 'how do submarines and astronauts do oxygen' for your time loop space fic. its great :)

[lemongogo]

why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

[thepersonperson]

Oooh I'm really interested in your opinions on the flaming trainwreck that is gojo's relationship with women!

I wanted to respond to this topic in this ask, but then I realized it would be better as a part of something else. So I will link you to my yapfest that happens to delve into what I think are Gojo's woman issues.

So thanks for sending me into a mini crisis within a crisis! It gave me that nice little missing piece to pull apart Gojo even more.

I'm also shoehorning your tags on this post into this ask since they contributed to that analysis.

#fjddjdjs hiiii I apologize right back for subjecting you to my yelling in your tags almost all the time fjdjfjd #but WHAT a time for you to post this bc I literally just typed out a whole rant on gojo's sexuality that I bravely chose to not post djdjfjf hj

Post the rant anyways. Or whenever you feel brave enough. The perspective unique to you is valuable even if the topic has already been discussed.

#but you absolutely hit the nail on the head on why satosugu was and is n will always be doomed bc of COURSE gojo would never act on anything #like his whole thing in this story is witnessing human rights violations and only acting when the consequences are fatal

#hes absolutely my favorite jjk character but hes so very full of his own prejudices that I think the fandom doesnt acknowledge bc hes fruity #like we see him let a LOT of shit slip by bc to him (one of the most privileged cogs in the machine) they aren't real problems #which reminds me of cis white gays whose complections and even the random bouts of misogyny and mild racism he matches up with #he has a lil bit of that 'I can't be shitty to women I'm literally gay kinda' vibes and we see how he talks to utahime #and how he doesn't stand up for maki like you mentioned

That's usually my biggest complaint with fan culture in general. They shave off the yucky parts to make characters more palatable. Gojo's racist reveal post-mortem made me love him even more. He's my favorite character in JJK too and he has also unseated my most favorite fictional racist: Oliver Fire Emblem. (Yes, I have a fictional racists tier list. I'm giving myself a pass to have one as a person with a unique skeletal structure and muscles as Mr. Gojo Satoru would say.)

I think the reason people try to ignore these things is because of how subtle/realistic it is. Gojo's unsavory behaviors are the kinds people are most likely to have themselves. He kind of forces you to look at those flaws and that can be a deeply uncomfortable experience.

Also I think Gojo would be more like "I can't be a misogynist, I'm not a Zenin."

(Cough more on my racists tier list. It's more of "Were they written well? Was the racism properly condemned by the narrative? Is the racism relevant to themes? If they try to get better, is the racism properly addressed? Is it funny in the pathetic loser way?")

#but I also have this different vibe that he. despite how much he says so and maybe wants to. does NOT care about 'the weak' beyond his job #we see him literally step on people in shibuya to get to where he needs to quicker #he doesn't even bother remembering the names of the kyoto kids besides maybe todo and mechamaru (strong)

Well the thing is teen Gojo definitely didn't care about the weak. Post-Geto break up and after he started mimicking all of Geto's moral teachings? No idea. Gojo treats people he loves poorly so it's hard to tell when he really hates or doesn't care about someone. And he does posture about those things like with Megumi's body being used by Sukuna.

During the Shibuya incident, he does step on all those people's heads and let them be thrown against his Infinity like objects. But he doesn't hurt them. This is a guy who stepped on ants and made sure his Infinity prevented them from being crushed.

Kenjaku's group uses his love for other people against him here. Gojo tries to posture during it, but his composure breaks a few times when they start killing a lot of them. He also checked in on their survival after he UV'd them.

That being said, he probably cares more about them as living things than as equals. He has a very clear bias for the strong when it comes to putting in time and effort. ...But also Ijichi is so weak and Gojo trusts him the most. Gojo went out of his way to care for him when he was suffering. ...And he also relentlessly bullies him. (As you can see Gojo's true feelings on the topic are iffy as fudge.)

#imo the only reason he cares enough to correct nanamis language when talking abt yuuji is that he simply has a lot of potential to be strong #he took maki in hoping to make another toji out of her but bc he doesn't know how a toji is made he basically gives up #which is why I think he didn't even think to call suguru out for the way he talks to her

That would be really fudged up if he was trying to make another Toji and I wouldn't put it past him. He does put his students in really questionable predicaments in the name of growth. That might also explain why he corrected Nanami with Yuji. Someone with his power experiencing immense discrimination could churn out another Geto.

#like gojo has really lofty goals but his day to day consists of ignoring it all until there's a problem or he needs to talk about his goals #he's very much running around aimlessly like a headless chicken mostly bc of the higher ups so it's understandable that he doesn't have time #to even think about let alone try to unlearn all that internalized shit stopping him from achieving his goals #also everything about your tags YES TO ALL OF IT YOU'RE SO RIGHT AND BIG BRAINED

So true! Gojo is stretched so thin that I think he defaults to "cold logic" as Mahito puts it. If he's going to change things for the better, he has to invest in strong people, so they get all his attention and time. All the little systemic issues can be ignored because he was raised to only care about the big things.

It's such a frustrating predicament because I want to be mad at him for this, but it's also [Joker Voice] Society. I've settled on calling it out as a character flaw that can be explained (not excused) by circumstances.

#also uwu thank you 4 talking about kirara shes my everything and gojos an idiot for losing that entire years worth of students (2 whole ppl) #anyway I am sorry for clogging your tags yet again your posts make the gears in my brain turn very fast

Thank you as well. Clogging my tags makes me reexamine things more. I think after reading this response you'll be able to see the parts of your tags that influenced certain parts of the Ok Dad Gojo Analysis.

[talktonytome]

Don’t feel like you have to post this if you don’t want to give any attention to the negativity but the tags on that post just made me so sad. I’ve seen a lot of buctommy hate and honestly I can brush it off bc it’s honestly just so ridiculous and wrong but as a queer person it was just so disheartening to see so many people say “Tommy has served his purpose and now I’m ready for him to be gone”.

like cool, i get that people wanted him to just be a “stepping stone for buddie” but that language is just so gross to me.

people really just need to take a step back and really think about how their comments can be interpreted outside of the shipping lens bc it really feels like they don’t care at all about queer people.

Yeah reading through some of those reblogs was not fun and it makes me sad too :(( but i try not to let myself sit in those feelings and instead, focus on showing love for bucktommy and posting/reblogging positive things.

And you’re right, the way they express their hatred is gross and vile and honestly they must be so miserable in their fandom experience that they feel a need to drag us down with them. That’s what they want so as hard as it feels, don’t let them! So many queer people have found joy and representation in bucktommy and we deserve to celebrate that!

Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to reason with the hateful people and it’s awful that they make it an unsafe space. They don’t have to like Tommy or bucktommy but to think their fanon ship is the “correct” representation and the way they can’t see or respect why people like bucktommy is very telling to say the least. I recently unfollowed a longtime mutual and it made me really sad but ultimately, seeing their posts was not bringing me joy. I’m sending hugs and I say we ship and love harder and block all the nonsense.

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[fahbev]

Hi! Saw you jumped on the tim hate train, welcome to the club! Aplarently you're Damian fan, which is good bc hes also one of the characters who's hit by tim's..woobification? Victimization(???) while simultaneously being the bestest, most competent batfam member. You Damian fans honestly have my respect for the pure amount of shit Damian gets because of tim.

hi lmao. Thanks xD. I usually try to keep all my negativity off of the internet, but last night I was going the anti Tim drake tag bc my frustration was flaring up. At first i was collecting posts by liking them instead of rb, then I was replying, and then at some point... “Fuck it. I want this on my blog.”

(This is gonna be a ramble btw, I don’t care abt making a good post rn.)

I used to be fine with Tim! I think the whole thing was a lot less prominent in the dpxdc fandom bc DANNY was the fan favorite/community elected woobie, but then I kinda moved out and... well. It still took awhile for this issue to seep in bc those Tim fans (you know the ones) are certainly a minority, but I just don’t think you can be a Damian fan for longer than a few months without getting frustrated.

Nowadays I refuse to read anything tagged with any variation of “Tim Drake angst” that features the batfam. Timkon fics are usually just fine though.

Actually— recently? Shit’s been bothering me so bad that I don’t wanna risk reading fics that have Tim in the first relationship tag at all. He’s gotta at most be in the second one. Ship fics are again an exception, but I don’t tend to seek out ship fics much anyway.

But, like I said, I usually keep it to myself. Every time i catch myself venting in the tags I either screenshot the tags and delete, or I delete and retype them. I put them into a private notes document. I also journal in there a lot instead of posting it.

That document is pretty long.

I do wanna say that there’s nothing wrong with what tim fans are doing. It is fun to woobify your fave. It’s fun to prop them up and tear others down and make everything about your blorbo and it is harmless. I do it too (usually in my daydreams). It’s a fantasy, and that’s what fanfiction is for. People who act like it’s “problematic” are wrong. That doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. Because it is. It’s annoying as all fuck.

Also wanna mention that I once read a damian fic that like... started off with some delicious whump, but then it turned into a whole Damian pity party and it guilt tripped all his friends and family. Damian IS my blorbo and I couldn’t read that. I didn’t even know who Maps was at the time but it seemed so bizarre to throw her under the bus. Anyway I feel like that’s what a quite large portion of Tim fic is like except a bit less extreme.

I used to tell myself that “ohhh it’s just a rivalry. I’m sure Tim fans get the same shit in reverse all the time” but I literally NEVER see it in the other direction and spend the most of my time in Damian circles. The only time I see tim hate from damian fans is frustration at those particular fans in response to it or in response to favoritism of authors.

I mean i saw a good chunk of it last night, but what else can I expect from the anti tim drake tag?

It’s actually funny how most of the stuff in anti tags is polarized hate shitting on the character with a lot of bad takes, but in tims anti tag it was almost exclusively frustration from Damian and Jason fans, and usually pretty mild takes. Also people calling Tim boring.

Ngl, Idk much about Jason. I’m familiar with his fanon, but the only comic i’ve read that featured him in a major way was Gotham War. I don’t know him well, and I don’t have too much interest in him. However, I hate “Jason falls over in guilt and kisses Tim’s fingers begging for forgiveness” type posts in solidarity. It’s yucky.

Anyway, I didn’t even mean to get on this anti tim train you speak of, It just sorta leaked out of my vent doc. Don’t expect me to keep posting about it.

but also... don’t not expect it. It might happen.

Even so, my dms are absolutely open for Timothy Drake related frustration! I’m pretty tired of being nice to him.

[uriekukistan]

ur one of the only ppl i follow that i know likes tokyo ghoul, and i just started reading it for the first time! (friends tried 2 get me into it when i was younger via the anime but i did Not Wanna so this is actually my first real read of it) i just started tg:re, so i have been Dying to talk abt it with somebody.. if u dont mind, who are ur faves? :3

omg im glad you did not watch the anime actually. the manga is infinitely better �� okay this is not the place for me to rant against the anime let me move on before i get carried away

my number one fav and ofc the namesake of my url is urie <3 idk how far into :re you've gotten but i think he's like. the first to get introduced if im remembering correctly? but you might not get the vision Yet depending on how far you've read, but i just love an angry lil guy w daddy issues who cant express his emotions properly <3 no personal reasons for that at all.............his growth ends up being really nice too you'll see you'll see

another brand of character i like is the guy who can't stand coming in second in anything but always does, and has a one sided beef with the person who beats them every single time, so i also love takizawa. i don't wanna say too much abt him bc i don't wanna spoil the fun for you but he ends up having a really cool arc too

im realizing as i type this out most of my favs are either from :re alone, or get the majority of their development in :re im really trying to hold my tongue so bad rn,,,,,,,

idk if you've met saiko yet? she spends the entire first volume of :re asleep lmaoooo but she's great. i love how she's a character that stands for kindness in a world full of hate and different groups trying to kill each other all the time

recently i've come to appreciate eto more as well, i dont think i liked her much at first, but one of my tg mutuals is a big eto fan and i think that's helped me appreciate her more. also bc said mutual rbs all the posts i rb thinking "oh this post is so me" and adds the eto tag......okay maybe i am like her. also again with the daddy issues characters good lord pls pay that no mind,,,,,,,

cutting myself off after this one but i love both of the kirishima siblings :3 touka is so cool, and i love how her rough exterior hides how gentle and emotional she really is. i love characters like that. and ayato, he's so snarky and fun, but again, his roughness hides how much he cares. i don't think this qualifies as a spoiler (i mean it gets confirmed in :re, but i feel like it was implied in the first half of the series), but after touka kills those doves in retaliation for killing hinami's mom, ayato starts killing doves too, because he also has a rabbit mask, to detract attention from his sister.....so it ties that first incident to him rather than her :')

UGHIDGF i love tokyo ghoul so much, but i barely talk abt it anymore sorry to my tg mutuals :') pls come ask abt it anytime im happy to discuss !! glad you're liking it so far tho ! do u have any favs yet? i'd love to hear more of your thoughts :3

[alma-amentet]

OK, I think I'm officially done.

Last two days were awful. I'm mentally shattered and exhausted. Was getting better from prev time, but then... Yesterday I was just a click away from blocking a person, but in the end decided to hold. Blocked a tag instead, that was it (lrb, yeah).

So today she blocked me herself. I don't blame anyone (trying to not be hard on myself... bc yeah I tend to blame myself first thing. Hope this post doesn't add nails to my coffin lid, I'm just trying to speak abt my POV and not make it worse). It was 1:1, cultist 🤝 d*ckrider.

Yet still feel very bitter. We were nice and supportive in the past, that was the reason I hesitated, but recently it was only triggering. I nearly cried bc of her posts not once! Tried to be understanding, yet couldn't stop taking it personally. We had several talks, it wasn't helping. I know it's my own problem. My bad is that I haven't taken measures earlier (like explaining everything and parting peacefully). I too didn't want to loose nice moots... Even if it's obviously no longer nice. I'm not some vile toxic bitch (or stupid paladin hell yeah), you know, I have feelings, too. And everyone makes mistakes.

Maybe all for good. In the end, still hard.

The thing is I reblogged another post from a person she's had troubles with, she took it personally. OK that one was really too harsh, but then, me seeing all those posts about stupid brainwashed Miquella cultists day by day felt no different. I actually did a repost while still half asleep, maybe it was my subconscious reply to what was yesterday.

Guess I just happened to be on the wrong side, with people who did her wrong. They did nothing to me, I wasn't going to take sides at all (like discussing people behind their backs, bullying and such). Interacting with them really helps easing my frustration over the DLC, while trying to find sense in it really doesn't. I lost all that sense.

I totally don't judge people who keep doing it, even envious to some point. Would like just to stay dwelling peacefully in AUs, fixes and pre-DLC lore bc not ready to ditch this interest (actually now even afraid it may die with all this turmoil). Hate is not an option, but to me, all that 'disco horse' was also not easy to take, no better than people it was judging.

So yeah, all for good in the end. 1:1, like I said.

As for that reblog. I did it bc yeah, venting and ranting is my way of coping. It really helps. To feel not alone, to relieve the stress. Yet I never adrresed of called names anyone myself. And then... I explained enough already: was half asleep and really pissed off by previous day's stuff on my dash which happened not even once, that's it.

[borom1r]

Do you want to answer this question about Boromir for me?

What was Boromir's relationship like with his maternal uncle Imrahil?

It's okay if you don't! Maybe this one will interest you more:

What is Boromir's pet peeve?

Bye!

HI I will always answer Boromir asks!!!!! I think I have some posts floating around somewhere (my tagging system is an inconsistent ✨nightmare✨) but I’ve always held true that Gondorian culture mirrors Medieval/Renaissance Noble Culture, so as young nobility Boromir would’ve been sent to serve as Imrahil’s squire (and Faramir as well)

as such I think he has a genuinely very strong relationship with Imrahil! I think he probably had a tendency to be overly serious when Faramir wasn’t around (lots of expectations on his shoulders even as a boy), so I imagine it took a bit for him to warm up to Imrahil. I also think he has this sort of expectation of the other shoe dropping— “he’s nice to me, but will he treat Fara the same way father does?”

+ then ofc Faramir comes to Imrahil’s court when he turns seven to serve as his squire as well and Imrahil is nothing but kind to Faramir too, which I think would be when Boromir kind of breathes that sigh of relief and allows himself to relax around Imrahil. — and like, I also love Imrahil being just genuinely kind and caring to both the brothers, because I love to torment Faramir, and I have my own Complex Parental Issues + see a lot of Denethor in my own Nightmare Parent. (hell world.) It is truly genuinely awful to hear “they love you even though it seems like they hate you, just give them time, they’ll recognize it in the end” when you know what a parent’s love should ACTUALLY feel like from someone else. Parents Be Normal Challenge: Impossible.

anyways generally speaking a squire would finish out their training and become a fully-minted knight at 21– I suspect Boromir would’ve been called back to Minas Tirith around age 19, and I do think he kept up a correspondence with his uncle. At first to get reports about Faramir (because gods know Denethor is. Well.) and then just to genuinely stay in touch with the man. I think Boromir makes a point to come visit Faramir and his uncle + cousins when Lothíriel is born.

also, I talk about this in the costuming document but there’s such an interesting element to Denethor’s costuming of like, mirroring the brothers’ motifs but More. Grander, More Intricate, Richer. It’s easy to overlook bc so much of his clothing is black but even that: true black fabric was EXCEEDINGLY expensive, never mind the sorts of intricate weaves and things like his scabbard and full length hauberk. like such a key visual element to Denethor is literally just Showing His Sons Up. and im insane about it, truly, but imagine growing up being in competition with your own father in this really insidious, subtle way. You’re the Golden Son, the measuring stick by which Faramir fails, you’re held on this pedestal and Yet. your father is always Better Than You. Your successes are not your own, they are his (but your failures? oh, those are all yours).

yet then there’s Imrahil. who loves Boromir because Boromir is his nephew and that is enough. who would love Boromir whether he succeeded or failed, because at least Boromir is trying. argh. I don’t think Boromir shows it well but I do think Imrahil means a lot to him, and was a fundamental influence on him and how he treats others. not to say Boromir would be unkind without Imrahil’s influence, but rather that he probably wouldn’t be quite as well-adjusted lmao

anyways, as for pet peeves..

I don’t think there’s a looooot that actually bothers him? I think it would more be a breaking of routine. it’s sth I’ve touched on in one of my fics (as sth instilled in him by Imrahil, actually! + it’s sth I myself picked up from my dad lol), but I think when he gets the chance to sleep in a bed he makes it perfectly each morning. and I think there are other little rituals he follows carefully. packing his bedroll properly if he’s on the move, caring for his blade and other equipment, washing up as best he can. I think as long as he can keep up with his own little rituals he can let most things roll off his back.

I also think if he does get snappy, once he’s returned to his like, baseline level of routine he’s the first to go “wow I was acting like an idiot, that was a stupid thing to be annoyed about” and apologize. The man has one younger brother by blood and three younger cousins all born while he was serving as Imrahil’s squire, so I think his tolerance level for Annoying Gremlin Shenanigans is very high most of the time. just don’t interrupt his routines lmao

[imustbenuts]

How do you handle how low key racist toward Japan a lot of fandom is in favor of shoving only American cultural viewpoints into things? I'm so tired...

hm.... a loaded question. short answer for how i handle this:

I don't.

i just. don't. i don't even try to process what i know for sure is a bad take at all, and i make it a point to curate my online spaces as much as possible.

(or at least, i do on very very rare occasions if i feel arsed enough to hop on my keyboard to smashing out a more educated post about it based on my own understanding. more on this in a bit.)

if i go into a fandom tag and i see rampant nonsense, such as during the 1st two months of fire emblem engage's release or some incredible pumpkin spice latte takes, and i feel like it's just too much bc im getting angry, i just disengage. i might read if i feel like it, but if its too hostile i don't add to the conversation. i leave. i don't pass go bc i have waaaay better things to do than potentially engage in a conversation im already not happy to have.

in some occasions i even block. if i feel like someone is being a dipshit in the posts i make with their tags even, i block.

and i suspect im not the only one. how often do you see asians who reside outside of the west actively partake in fandom discussions? its such a drain of energy when it goes bad. most asians are working faaaaar longer hours than the average westerner in the average office setting. i mean, fuck, man. if i want to have fun, im not coming to a place i know i wont be having much. (ofc we are all having it bad. the point is: limited energy is a big factor for why going against the general set consensus is a bad idea)

i've been dealing with this for the past 10 years. minimum. it has always been like this. it has ever always been like this everywhere.

soooome fandoms are chiller than others for sure. but i dont actively participate in fandoms bc: im tired and my attention hops all over the place.

im ALSO gonna drag proship antis DNI into this ramble bc i believe strongly this culture is an evolution of the old 'your fave is problematic' culture mixed with puritanism culture and i hate it. i hate it bc it gets applied to everywhere, even in a japanese/asian culture space where people in fandoms are generally more "you stay in your lane i stay in mine, we're all freaks, just dont break any laws or be terrible". understand that east asian society in general is collective compared to western's more individualistic one, which reinforces that lane thinking. so all these high moral showing-off is just a big pissing contest to me.

in fact its such a pissing contest i actively refuse to follow people who have DNIs in their profiles. id have more respect for those who can say 'i dont like xyz, its not my cup of tea'. its a normal response, i think.

and im done ranting about my personal feelings :v. some practical advice from my dumb of ass:

a person knows what they know

a person doesnt know what they dont know (ignorance)

a person cannot be taught what they dont want to know (willful ignorance)

a willfully ignorant person is not anyone's job to directly fix. only they can check themselves.

hostility begets more hostility. anger is an addictive emotion. block and move on if someone is consistently being annoying/a pos online, its not worth the mental bandwidth

a person wants to know what they know they don't know (curiosity)

if theres something educational worth sharing that can be communicated in a digestible way, it is sometimes worth it. people like reading, but more importantly, communicating. be that with the OP or their own group.

and also, im not immune to any of the behaviors i dont like above myself. there are also limits in what i know. :v hypocritical of me lmao

[memberment]

Good evening

Guys I just got home from work and proofread everything I needed to including this next Dandelion chapter and I'm trying so hard not to just fucking SOB over it.

I hate it here I want out LMFAOOOOOOO THIS IS SO SAD WHY DID I WRITE THIS FR

10:59 update......

I'm thinking about an absolutely diabolical twist for the Trin series(it doesn't actually change the story in any way, if anything it actually makes it make so much more sense). Like, I've been ruminating on it since last night but idk if it's gonna throw people off. But at the same time like part twos and threes never do as good anyways so do I really even care?? Like, I'm just out here telling stories in fanfic font bc I would rather throw myself in the street than make OCs and not share my fun little stories.

I think I may commit to it.

I don't wanna say it on here though bc it's one of those plot twists you get will not forget even though part three is like FOREVER out.

The more I think about it the more I wanna do it. Someone tell me I should do it.

Oh my god I am shutting up and finishing reading Dandelion, y'all will hear my virtual screams in approximately one and a half business hours.

(11:43) I'm actually fucking sobbing and I didn't even start the last few chapters. Like, I'm actually crying over this. It's not funny.

(12:00) Never by mag lo coming on while I'm finishing up reading this is not funny. I'm devastated. I hope you all hate me after this oh my god I feel like I just ruined my own life. WHY IS IT SO MUCH WORSE AFTER BEING DONE WITH THIS FIC FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No more angst from me for a long while. I'm banned.

(12:20) Me skimming through tags on fics debating if I want to pick up something new. Everything being totally normal. Suh happy. Trying not to stew in my own misery. And then I see such a vile tag my stomach twists and now I'm just like okay I'll go fuck myself I guess I'll go write or do my homework. I'm sorry, I adore ao3 and I'm never gonna be a hater, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE WILD. LIKE I AM TALKING SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING DOING MY HOMEWORK OVER THAT. LIKE I ACTUALLY JUST WIPED THE TEARS OFF MY FACE AND GOT OVER HOW SAD I WAS BECAUSE OF HOW GENUINELY SHOCKED I WAS. Like wow oh wow.

Anyways. Updates here if there's gonna be any. Also Dandelions up if anyones reading this LMAO

It's 1:40 in the morning and the beginning of Morning Glory is making me fucking unwell. I was not joking when I made that joke about like ten dreaded weeks of angst, Jesus Christ.

(2:12) This is my second time posting this exact part. Like I know I've posted this exact part. But I seriously love Christophe and all of his dialogue with my whole heart.

(4:31) I do not recall making Dova this tragic and I'm literally about to sob over him. LIKE WHY???? WHY DID I DO THAT??? WHY ARE HIS LITTLE SUBTLE BITS OF STORYLINE SO ACTUALLY PAINFUL AS THE STORY GOES ON????? (I am allergic to happiness I am my own canon event at this point)

(4:48) THE ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION THAT COMES WITH WANTING MORE STORY BUT IT SIMPLY NOT EXISTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT IS DEVASTATING.

(5:02) Welp. I'm ruined and am now compelled by god to start working on Morning Glory again. We're at 73k rn. And only two chapters that aren't the prologue are under 4k. That's fucking terrifying. Like I have 17 minus the prologue rn. WE ARE LITERALLY THREE CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER 16/17 OF SUMMER ALONE. AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER 14 AFTER THAT. LIKE THE 14 ARE THE PLANNED SPECIFIC EVENT CHAPTERS. BRUH. WHY DID I DO THIS????

regret.

regret is all I feel.

but I will push through.

(7:38) before I go to bed I will just say I am at 75.3k. I had no idea how I would even get close to 4k on a birthday chapter where the group effectively decided to just stay home and hang out. But now there is like 1.5k of them playing muffin time. It's wild. I love it. GOOD NIGHT.

[coffin-hopping]

BLOG INTRO !! ( ´ཀ` )

yo, I’m ray/lopez/adrian

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HOMESTEADING INFO

— TAGS —

writing: #rays.fountain.pen

yapping: #rays.forked.tongue

drawing: #rays.crayons

deranged Malevolent ramblings: #malev.posting

stuff about Arthur Lester I’m too embarrassed to main tag: #arthur.posting

talking about racism and my experience as a brown man on tumblr: #ray.being.brown.n.angry

vent tag (contains a lot of discussion surrounding csa so block that tag if you don’t want to see that): #ray.vents

— ABOUT ME —

𖤐 names i go by: ray/raymond, lopez, angel, ricky, gage, coff, adrian, (and more to be added!) (go wild with this one)

𖤐 agender when the wind blows right, masc trans dude

𖤐 they/it/he (I mostly prefer “he” and “it” rn)

𖤐 bisexual, aromantic, aceflux

𖤐 mexican-american

𖤐 agnostic

𖤐 minor (adults are allowed here ofc I don’t mind, but I ask to have my boundaries respected

— MY lNTERESTS —

𖤐 I love writing, playing guitar, drawing, and fashion

𖤐 SHOWS: Workaholics, What We Do In The Shadows, Blue Eye Samurai, American Dad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Bojack Horseman, Futurama, Breaking Bad, Gravity Falls, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

𖤐 MOVIES: Jennifer’s Body, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, The Menu, Hereditary, Scream, Saw, Kill Bill, American Mary, Little Nicky, Scary Movie, Elvira, The Endless, Beaches, Mermaids, Beetlejuice

𖤐 MUSIC: Deftones, My Chemical Romance, A Perfect Circle, Insane Clown Posse, Kendrick Lamar, Isaiah Rashad, Queen Latifah, Mars Argo, Orgy, A Skylit Drive, Kreayshawn, Lil Uzi Vert, Death Grips, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dystopia, Tyler The Creator

𖤐 GAMES: Danganronpa, The Sims, Sally Face, Fear n Hunger, Life Is Strange, As Dusk Falls, Call of Duty

𖤐 OTHERS: Jerma985, Malevolent podcast, Frenemies podcast

— BLOG BOUNDARIES —

𖤐 radfems and terfs just know that I hate you specifically, I will fist fight all of you at once idgaf — same goes for any of y’all who rb or repost that shit, you are my enemy and I WILL fist fight you

𖤐 any bigotry is not gonna slide here (queerphobia/exclusion, ableism, misogyny, racism, etc.)

𖤐 ngl I don’t rlly care if you’re a “proshipper” or an “antishipper” or any of those labels just. no fighting bc I find that corny asf, I dabble in taboo stuff sometimes but I don’t personally consider myself a proshipper👍

𖤐 I don’t fuck with creepy shit. I’ve seen pedos on this site and I’m not gonna stand for that. do not fucking interact with this blog if that’s what you’re here for.

𖤐 this section isn’t necessarily a dni but I am so fucking serious when I say do not interact with my blog if you are a tcc (true crime community) blog or someone who is in that circle. I don’t care if you “don’t condone” bc the amount of racist teenagers in that community is actually ridiculous😭

𖤐 don’t be an asshole, essentially. we’re here to chill and have fun and some of y’all are allergic to that apparently.

𖤐 spam liking/rb is okay lol don’t stress about it

𖤐 if I am uncomfortable with something I will say so, otherwise don’t stress about how you interact with me, any engagement is appreciated + I’m not discomforted easily

𖤐 interacting with my vent/personal posts is fine too! I don’t mind

— MY lSSUES BC I LOVE OVERSHARING —

𖤐 addict

𖤐 eating disorder (FULL RECOVERY MADE!!!🖤)

𖤐 borderline personality disorder

𖤐 lactose intolerant (it’s getting notably bad but I’ll die before I become a beta almond milk drinking cuck) (I have to beat the soy boy allegations you don’t understand)

𖤐 ocd

𖤐 autism

𖤐 ^ selective mutism

𖤐 glasses-haver (lost them and now I get headaches all the time hhhhh)

I stand with Palestine .

fuck all cops .

[daz4i]

thank you! and yes ofc, any input is welcome! okay, so i've seen some people talk about how many fics get chuuya and dazais dynamic wrong, but i've not actually seen any specific critiques, so i was wondering if you have any tips to avoid, for lack of better term, to write one of the "bad ones"?

also, i don't have money for the light novels, is it generally frowned upon to write skk without having knowledge of how they are in the light novels? i don't if they're that different, but i've seen comments like "if you just read stormbringer, you'd understand" so just wondering if i'm missing out on A Lot.

and for fic posting, this is not that important, but is there some popular fic boosting tags if i wanted to promote it on tumblr?

oh these are great questions!! lemme try to answer it in an organized way (edit from myself after typing the answer up: i am so sorry for this monster of a post askjdfgh hope it's not too overwhelming 😭🙏)

skk dynamic:

one thing i think is important to keep in mind is that it has layers, and that they're not quite honest in their interactions. a good example for what i mean is like when they're rescuing q and chuuya talks about how he can't stand dazai, but then later when dazai is attacked by lovecraft chuuya is immediately concerned and runs after him to make sure he's okay, being shocked and worried when he sees his arm missing, etc. (dazai is even worse in that regard lmao)

i can speak on my own personal pet peeve with skk fics is where their personalities are flattened, and thus their relationship is as a result as well (for example, reducing chuuya to a tsundere, or making him stupid, while making dazai some dark edgelord etc) this can lead to missing one key thing in their relationship: they're equals

soukoku even just as a fighting duo isn't just "dazai thinks up strategies and chuuya fights", the whole reason they're considered unbeatable to their enemies is because they're both strong - they can both fight, and they're both smart and good at thinking quickly on their feet. it's just that chuuya is better at fighting, and dazai's strategies are more airtight. this way they're enhancing each other's abilities. so, translating that into their general dynamic is also important

another way in which they're equal that i think shows this last part^ even better, and smth that i think ppl tend to miss, is that dazai never really manipulates chuuya or forces him into situations he doesn't want to take part in - he always asks for chuuya's final word on the matter. chuuya follows his plans because he too knows they're likely the best option. this is how they maintain their trust in each other

(honestly the only time i think you can argue dazai tries to manipulate chuuya is in their reunion in the dungeon, but really it's more for shits and giggles on his end, no real malice, and chuuya probably knows that too, i think)

light novels:

first off!! even if you can't afford them, bsd-bibliophile has them right here!!! i really recommend checking it out :)

i don't think you HAVE to read them but like. it's good to know what happens in them at least generally, and it can definitely help the nuance of their dynamic. the sb comment is kind of right bc it helps figuring out one of those layers i mentioned in the beginning

i actually haven't finished strombringer myself hehe but one thing i got from it so far and from reading analysis of it (which can also help if you don't mind getting spoiled!) that i think is important, esp if you're writing about their mafia days, is that chuuya does hate dazai in the early stages of their relationship, but like. because he sees himself in him. and he sees despair he doesn't want to give in to. at least back then, dazai kind of embodies his negative thoughts about himself, even if not literally and just in his mind.

also on a more basic level both of them (tho esp fifteen) offer some shenanigans of them being silly teenagers. also dazai cringe compilation. actually this is an important part of it i think dazai should always be at least a little bit pathetic when chuuya's around (but that might also be just my own personal take :P)

tldr for the light novels thing, i think it really depends on what sort of fic you're planning to write. canonverse, and esp mafia days, i'd say it's fairly important. aus, not so much, but it can help. relationship explorations, probably. silly fluff or pwp, not really. yknow :?

posting:

hmmmmm i don't know any particular tags (except like, basic stuff, fandom / ship / main characters / "fanfiction" / maybe key tropes you're using? tho it's def not a must) but some general tumblr hacks:

posting at the right hours and days helps; around the afternoon or early evening in american timezones, on the weekends, is probably the best time to gain most traffic

use ao3's automatic sharing or post the fic as the link post format, rather than a text post or picture with a link inserted into the text. idk if it still exists, but it used to be that posts with links in the text would be hidden from search results, especially if you're a new blog (i think it was mostly removed but the new blog thing might still be relevant)

don't use swears and esp not "fuck" and its variations in the tags. hides posts from search results (i think "shit" and such is okay?? but i'm not entirely sure so. to be on the safe side, better to avoid) also don't use "nsfw" or any other possibly nsfw tags even if it's needed

speaking of. while it's probably responsible to use community labels. i'm p sure tumblr hides mature posts from search results 😭 i saw artists complaining abt their posts getting flagged and even getting shadowbanned over it iirc so. unfortunately it's probably better to avoid 😔 save the warnings for the fic itself

this might be a bug only i have lol but after making a post with quite a few tags, wait a few seconds before refreshing the tab or moving to another page. i noticed that otherwise it can hide the post from everywhere except your own blog (it might also be only relevant to image posts? but again, to be on the safe side, it won't hurt to do it)

okay i think that's all. i will say that everything i said abt skk might be just my own personal interpretation hehe so don't take my word as gospel!!! i'm sure there are many other fans and writers who view them in an entirely different light, and at the end of the day, it's up to you to choose your own version to write

and with that, i'm also turning this post to my followers, if you want to add anything, or if you have links to good analysis posts that could answer one of these questions, please go ahead! :D

as for you anon, i wish you good luck with writing, and mostly i hope you have fun with it!!! :3 just bc you see some of us complaining abt fics sometimes doesn't mean you should walk into it scared, actually please don't!!! you can do whatever you want really, and i'm sure there will be an audience for your work no matter what you create! <3

[redrocketpanda]

Content notice: this post is going to discuss sexual violence, sexualisation and kink related to Astarion's storyline and personal experiences

When making certain posts + writing my fic about Astarion, I knew it was only a matter of time before people would come at me for the content. It was never a question of if, but of when. Because we all know the internet lacks nuance when it comes to certain topics and there are a lot of people seem very invested in being the online morality police

Today I received the following comment on one of my Astarion posts. And whilst I don't wish to give air time to rando's on the internet and don't need (or quite frankly want) to defend myself, there are some points I would like to make in relation to this

The first point being a big reminder that: if you don't like something, DNI. There are plenty of other posts and fics about Astarion that are all fluff and love and treating him like a pretty little princess. Currently, my Astarion content is not that. There are many reasons as to why that's the case. And, again, if you don't like it... go somewhere else cause I ain't about to stop posting what I'm posting just because people disapprove or want to label me as problematic or "not giving a fuck about victims of SA"

I hate to break to ya but life ain't so black and white. Cause here's the thing - trauma + kink are irrevocably intertwined with one another. There are a lot of academic works and smarter people on the internet who will have said this better than me, but the main point that I want to make is that people who create particular kinds of content are often playing in the spaces that they were forged in. It is in the very act of creation that we process things we've experienced, and it's up to us what kinds of narratives we want to explore/tell and what kinds of experiences we want to have (on and offline)

Not to get all TMI on main but I am someone who is actively and unashamedly engaged in many kinds of kink. Do you know what I adore? Being treated like shit in quite domineering and violent ways. Do you know what else I love? Topping little brats who need to be forcefully put in their places. And do you know what else I have? A lifetime of experience of domestic, intimate partner, and sexual violence. This is actually incredibly normal and okay. People who have experienced trauma are multi-faceted beings.

Kink is often a place where people can safely experience untold levels of catharsis (and by extension I am including writing + gameplay in this too). This isn't the case for everyone, though it is certainly true for me, and ofc there are healthier and unhealthier ways of doing this. There was a period of my life not too long ago when I was putting myself in very risky situations to get my kicks, and now I write about fictional characters experiencing these instead bc that's what I want to be doing with my life right now

And nobody gets to tell me shit about what I enjoy, or tell me how to enjoy it, or try to make me feel guilty for it

When I say that I get off on seeing Astarion bloody and bruised, when I say he deserves to be punished and write fic about that, when I play in the space of ownership and toxic relationships, I do so from a place of lived experience. I do so from a place of being well-read and well-practiced in kink. I do so from a place free from shame and fear of what other people will think. Because I have every right to say what I say, to write what I write, and to enjoy what I enjoy. And actually, it doesn't and shouldn't matter. Even if I didn't have those experiences or knowledge, I'm still allowed to create whatever the fuck I want to create and it doesn't make me a "bad person" bc it doesn't subscribe to this puritanical moral agenda that's been seeping all over the internet (Side note: I put this in the tags but it bears reiterating here. This also reeks of the kind of shitty comments that get made about how dom's are perpetrators of abuse and violence, or that subs are victims who are being taken advantage of, which I don't even have time to go into here bc there is a lot of history behind that. but just fyi. don't. just... don't. and if you wanna know why go ask google)

I also say/write/create from a place of my personal interpretation that I think Astarion gets off on masochism too. Have you met the guy? There's so much in his character that indicates that he likes to get slapped about and teased. And yes, I do know his story, I know his background, I know him. Because there is a lot about Astarion which is a mirror of myself. And I am playing with that reflection in lots of different ways (yes, that's an Astarion joke)

There will be a time when I have a very different kind of romance with Astarion, but that's not the kind of experience I want to have right now and maybe, in some ways, I'm not ready for it. Just a few weeks ago I wrote the below piece at 3am (which is now part of a sakuatsu piece about self-acceptance and love) when I woke up crying my eyes out and needed a creative outlet for how I was feeling at the time

Not that he calls it quits. Because the messages never stop coming, they flow freely from the tap. Anytime, anywhere. Whenever he wants it. He's always in demand. Because they all want him, they all want something from him.  But he doesn't care. Sometimes he loves it, gets off on it, can't get enough of it. Sometimes it leaves him feeling cold and empty and broken. At the end of the day, what does it matter? It's all that he's good for anyway

And tonight I got hit with Astarion essentially saying something very similar:

The moment I met Astarion, I knew that what we were seeing is a cleverly constructed performance. It's a facade, stitched together of hypersexualised behaviour, witty banter and a charming smile. I would know that performance anywhere, because it's one I've been playing for over a decade. It's a survival mechanism, a mask; something which endears you to others, which makes them like you, sometimes even love you. This performance is something that Astarion has become so very good at that it's become etched onto his soul. He doesn't know who he is without it, he doesn't know what he wants. But now he has the chance to find out.

And here's the thing: he doesn't have to suddenly become some super reformed character or stop getting his kicks in sadomasochistic ways. You can be all about bodily autonomy, self-love, and healthy boundaries, and still also have big ole' ownership, degradation, pain, and praise kinks actually. And there sure as hell ain't nothing wrong with that. Because, again, people are multi-faceted.

There is space for people who want to give Astarion a hug and tell him that he's loved, to have a really tender soft romance with him. And there is space for people who think that Astarion is a horrendous little man who is in need of objectification and punishment. Both of these stances are super valid and fun.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I shall depart from this very long personal essay (that probably no one will read, but which needed to be said anyway). I've got a dungeon scene that's not going to write itself.

[inflatingnblue]

worried anon here again, but off anon this time bc fuck it, and also if we can’t be open about shit on our kink blogs, where can we??? 💜

I’ve felt and seen how seductive an ED can be; besides my own history of disordered eating and dysmorphia, the love of my life struggles with pretty serious anorexia, and it kills me to watch her be drawn back in again and again by this terrible thing that our culture only perpetuates, even now that she’s years into recovery. When she was at her worst, when she had almost convinced herself that the ED was “working,” she was so miserable and exhausted and listless and angry all the time, and she still hated her body to the point of suicidality. The weight she lost didn’t fix any of it, but it did make her incredibly hard to be around and made her life feel so small that she didn’t want to live it anymore. It makes me sick that the world we live in would rather we hurt and hate ourselves over and over again, systematically denying ourselves the nutrients we need to live, in order to make us think we’re doing right by our bodies and that people will think we’re beautiful. I’m sure you’ve heard all this kind of thing before, just as my fiancée has, from therapists and partners and friends and family and doctors, but I know from my experience that it’s easier to actually start to hear it when you’re not also exposing yourself to pro-ED voices. When I was in high school and at my most mentally ill, I had a whole secret blog where I posted and reblogged self-harm content, so I genuinely do get how that can make you feel less alone. When you’re at your lowest, the most important thing is to not isolate yourself, even if that means you’re in some darker online spaces. Obviously you can and should like whatever posts you want on here, and me and your other followers can easily protect ourselves by blocking pro-ana tags — I guess I just wanted you to know that someone who doesn’t even know you is genuinely worried about you, and hates to see you unable to see how beautiful and valuable you are.

I get the relapsing stuff too; I hadn’t restricted in almost 10 years, but then last December I went through some major life/career/medication changes and gained like 30 lbs in a couple of months, and all the ED and SH voices came right back. The best things I’ve done for myself since then are the simple ones: 1) remind myself that if it was my fiancée feeling this way I would be endlessly telling her how beautiful she is, 2) try to remember that gaining weight isn’t a moral or health failure and is actually a natural part of getting older, and 3) buy myself some cute new underwear and comfy new pants so I didn’t feel horrible every time I tried to get dressed for the day. It’s taken months, and in the mean time I got a new job, this weird old kink of mine resurfaced (possibly as a coping mechanism? idk man, the human brain is wild), and I yanked myself back into a healthier relationship with food and mirrors, but it was and continues to be fucking HARD.

Long story not-so-short, I am really proud of you for making it this far. I am proud of you for being here, and I am proud of every time you push back against those voices, alluring as they might be. Recovery is the toughest, weirdest thing, but it is so worth it. I hope your husband is loving on you lots, I hope you had a wonderful Halloween looking adorable in your Violet costume, and I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I’m leaving this as an ask bc I don’t wanna risk making you feel uncomfortable, but feel free to DM me instead of posting/answering it publicly if you’d rather.

💜💜💜

Hello Not So Anon Anymore,

I appreciate you reaching out again and for sharing some of your and your fiancee's stories. One thing I find helpful is hearing about other people's experiences, even if it's not ED related. Hearing how someone has fought and struggled and conquered is good inspiration that maybe not all is lost.

To be honest, I was taken aback by your first ask. When I started reading I was like this person is leaving a compliment, which took a left turn. Not a bad left turn, just an unexpected one. It made me face what I had been doing and it was a good example of how personal struggles don't only affect you.

Oof, I totally understand that crankiness and feeling irritated. I've snapped at people when not meaning to. When you've got a constant stream of thoughts bombarding you it can be easy to lose it, not that it's okay to do so.

Like you said isolation is no bueno. Thinking about my relapse, I did isolate. I'd think maybe I can reach out to a friend, but then I'd stop myself. They've got a lot going on and it always seems like something is wrong when I connect with them, how annoying of me, what a burden. I noticed that no one reached out to me. Not that I was expecting anyone to reach out, but usually friendships go both ways. Both people contact each other and no one did. My ED was like "see, they don't even like you." And that only made the isolation worse.

I also didn't talk to my husband because he had a lot going on and I didn't want to him to try to impede my "progress." Of course I finally told him after several months. He was upset because I wasn't talking to anyone about it, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. Who wouldn't want their significant other to be healthy?

The interesting thing is I was big and I was experiencing symptoms that someone would assume an underweight person faced. I was lightheaded a lot. There were times I wasn't near anything to hold on to so I would crouch to the floor. (I even had a dream of it happening out in public. Tried to will myself to keep walking, but eventually crouched down because I didn't want to fall.) I've never been that lightheaded ever, but I didn't lose much weight when I was younger which is why I never experienced that before. I was scared that my symptoms were increasing in frequency, but at the same time it was a sign that it was "working." I eventually fainted one night. I've never fainted and it was so scary. I didn't even know I had fainted when I first woke up. I literally thought I had somehow fallen out of bed. My memory came back quickly and I couldn't believe I had fainted. Me, overweight, had fainted? I always associated that with those who were underweight, who were actually sick, who actually looked the part of an anorexic. But something that the general population don't seem understand is that it doesn't matter your weight or size - EDs don't discriminate. Starving is starving, regardless of size the body needs energy and when you deplete it the body will respond like a car without gas. It will breakdown.

Also, I totally agree that paying more attention to the bloating and such is a coping mechanism. In a way I think I'm trying to beat "it" first. Like making fun of myself first before someone else can. Making myself big before recovery or my lipedema can. I wish this wasn't such a mind fuck.

I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Being vulnerable is challenging and it's brave you decided to not be Anon this time. And same - reach out to talk, even if you'd like to unpack what's going on with your fiancee. I really hope everything works out for you both. 💙

Thanks again.

[freedomfireflies]

Hiiihello 👋. Finally caught up on insufferable you, and let me just say…. I’m obsessed with this fic concept. You so beautifully allow each character to explore their place in the dynamic, and the tension that we’re seeing at the moment is so natural as they adjust (or struggle to adjust, in some cases) to the new dynamic. Like in some ways, I’m actually so grateful that Rebecca and H are settled into this 5 year relationship, because I think there would be so much more unease if everything new with Kitten was compounded by Rebecca and H still figuring out their own thing. Instead, we have Rebecca who is an absolute LEGEND. So warmly inviting Kitten into the dynamic, sort of guiding the way with teasing H about the intimate moments, revealing how their relationship works. Honestly Rebecca is top tier and they’re both lucky to have her!

And of course, it is so natural for Kitten to be jealous and nervous and settling in. She’s been monogamous for her prior relationships, and suddenly there’s someone else spending time with her crush/ partner. It broke my heart a little when she was trying to rush off the phone at the beginning because H was with Rebecca and has plans, even when she apologised for calling so early. Almost as if she only “has him” when he’s in her space or physically with him, whereas H was trying to take care of his girl and show her all of the other ways he could be hers even when es not there. I just thing that moment was so responsible of him, both the checking in post scene but also trying to care for her as she struggles to adapt to this newness.

And of course, the jealousyyyy. I’m glad H can admit it was hypocritical for him not to want her to call Ethan when he has Rebecca, but we have to remember this is new to him as well. We know he has shared Rebecca with other relationships previously, but so soon after they got together? Maybe not. And maybe (we hope) he’s feeling maybe some new things for Kitten which makes his struggle a little harder. I mean, we know I love a bit of angst and I see that coming sooooon if this Ethan bit does come in. In this chapter, H literally said he knew Kitten didn’t have any other plans because she tells him so much, and so what about when he asks to meet up and she says he can’t because she actually has plans?! And he’ll realise what she means and it will be a whole “oh…oh” moment. I will be HOWLING. And I can see him sulkily being like “can we do something Tuesday or is that Ethan’s night too?”. This man is about to get jealous on a whole new level. And maybe a bit petty as well, if he doesn’t agree with Ethan’s date choices (“he brought you to a horror film? As if, you hate those things. Here, why don’t we go see X film to make up for his horrible taste?”).

Lastly I just want to say that I have seen the other asks who were not comfortable with this dynamic and I think you had very respectful responses back. It’s true that this dynamic will not be for everyone, but that is why authors notes and warning tags exist. I personally am not so into fantasy themes, so when I see an author posting a new fantasy fic, I just done read it. I have no doubts the writing is excellent, I just know personally it won’t be for me. So I do hope you continue to write this fic, as myself and others are so invested to see what happens next. As I said up top, you’ve given each character their time to explore the dynamic and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Sorrrry this is ridiculously long, I just had ✨thoughts✨. What was your favourite line from this chapter?

No because you don't understand, I just sat here staring at my phone with tears pouring down my cheeks over this because this is so incredibly sweet and kind and MY HEART IS GOING TO BURST???

Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to say such wonderfully kind and crazy insightful things!!!! ALSO BC "Or is that Ethan's night, too?" THE WAY I FUCKING HOWLED OH MY GOD can I please steal this bc now I need him to be that bitter alsfjdf

I cannot thank you enough for reading and sending this, like I literally feel SPEECHLESS right now?? You have no idea, I'm actually going to think about this all week??? You absolutely got everything I was hoping would convey in the story and I'm 🥹

THIS IS SUCH A FUN AND GOOD QUESTION ILY!! Honestly......I don't remember any of the lines anymore so I had to go look HAHAH but!! I think I'd have to say, "If I don’t put a bit of distance between us…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breathe on my own.” because I feel like it perfectly explains her reasoning and her feelings in this part! She's scared by how much she's starting to care for him and she knows this dynamic isn't sustainable when he doesn't feel the same way!

BUT ALSO ALL THE FUNNY ONES WHERE SHE SAYS SHE PREFERS HIM HARD ALSO HAD ME LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES AT LIKE 2 IN THE MORNING SO MAYBE THAT TOO HAHA

Thank you again so much for this, I'm.....still at a loss for words and I appreciate this more than you know!!!