#trying not to tag it bc i hate seeing those posts in the tag myself

[haywire-cebus]

i love writing. love googling 'how do submarines and astronauts do oxygen' for your time loop space fic. its great :)

[lemongogo]

why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[uriekukistan]

ur one of the only ppl i follow that i know likes tokyo ghoul, and i just started reading it for the first time! (friends tried 2 get me into it when i was younger via the anime but i did Not Wanna so this is actually my first real read of it) i just started tg:re, so i have been Dying to talk abt it with somebody.. if u dont mind, who are ur faves? :3

omg im glad you did not watch the anime actually. the manga is infinitely better 🙏 okay this is not the place for me to rant against the anime let me move on before i get carried away

my number one fav and ofc the namesake of my url is urie <3 idk how far into :re you've gotten but i think he's like. the first to get introduced if im remembering correctly? but you might not get the vision Yet depending on how far you've read, but i just love an angry lil guy w daddy issues who cant express his emotions properly <3 no personal reasons for that at all.............his growth ends up being really nice too you'll see you'll see

another brand of character i like is the guy who can't stand coming in second in anything but always does, and has a one sided beef with the person who beats them every single time, so i also love takizawa. i don't wanna say too much abt him bc i don't wanna spoil the fun for you but he ends up having a really cool arc too

im realizing as i type this out most of my favs are either from :re alone, or get the majority of their development in :re im really trying to hold my tongue so bad rn,,,,,,,

idk if you've met saiko yet? she spends the entire first volume of :re asleep lmaoooo but she's great. i love how she's a character that stands for kindness in a world full of hate and different groups trying to kill each other all the time

recently i've come to appreciate eto more as well, i dont think i liked her much at first, but one of my tg mutuals is a big eto fan and i think that's helped me appreciate her more. also bc said mutual rbs all the posts i rb thinking "oh this post is so me" and adds the eto tag......okay maybe i am like her. also again with the daddy issues characters good lord pls pay that no mind,,,,,,,

cutting myself off after this one but i love both of the kirishima siblings :3 touka is so cool, and i love how her rough exterior hides how gentle and emotional she really is. i love characters like that. and ayato, he's so snarky and fun, but again, his roughness hides how much he cares. i don't think this qualifies as a spoiler (i mean it gets confirmed in :re, but i feel like it was implied in the first half of the series), but after touka kills those doves in retaliation for killing hinami's mom, ayato starts killing doves too, because he also has a rabbit mask, to detract attention from his sister.....so it ties that first incident to him rather than her :')

UGHIDGF i love tokyo ghoul so much, but i barely talk abt it anymore sorry to my tg mutuals :') pls come ask abt it anytime im happy to discuss !! glad you're liking it so far tho ! do u have any favs yet? i'd love to hear more of your thoughts :3

[yanderefarm]

Tbh, always kinda weird to me when girls request things from accounts that are explicitly for boys. Like, I am alwas on a constant search for tasty top male reader accounts so I am well aware of how hard it is to find content, then I see ppl requesting like "What if uwu girl instead?". Not like that specific person was being that way, but like, I always think to myself, what about this post about a man and his wife(who is also a man) made you think of straight ppl?

This feels very rude, I don't mean it rude at the girl anon, she has yet to do anything clearly deserving of rudeness, just something I've seen too many times.

I just wanna be able to shake the little gays in my head around. Tbf, I am panromantic I just always get spooked at the mere implication of a f!reader(probably cuz of dysphoria).

-🪼

nah i totally get it!! yeah I don't want to be rude either. i really don't care what adult follows me.

ive gotten a few asks from people who like obviously didn't really read my rules or understand what my blog was.

there were these asks a while ago and I think i ended up deleting most of them bc I didn't like the vibe. they were all about babies. like baby fever, having babies, etc. and the vibe to me was that they had probably only found my blog through my baby trapping post with the wrong idea about what that post was about and all of these asks were for f!reader.

i answered one and its the one where i confess that i hate the idea of having children and write about how ares would try to murder his kids for the first time dbjsbsj and then after awkwardly finishing it i went back and deleted the rest bc yeah.

nothing against that person!!! just those asks gave me bad vibes.

but like yeah whenever i get the vibe an ask is for f!reader i get a weird vibe. ik all my characters aren't gonna get any f!reader content but there's literally so much out there. if you want more yandere blogs literally just search the tags. i don't know of another specifically yandere blog that is also exclusively male reader.

its actually really funny to me how like a lot of fem reader blogs will also kinda act like they're gender neutral and then you see male reader blogs desperately fighting to be like "MEN ONLY"

ask any of the yandere blogs " would ur characters be ok with a male reader 🥺" and they'll basically be like "oh yeah!! sure!! they love you no matter what gender you are" but in such an afterthought way

THATS NOT MEANT TO BE SHADE I STILL LOVE THEM AND FOLLOW THEM RELIGIOUSLY

its just like to illustrate the point ig?? we are out here fighting for our lives for content so it does always feel weird to have people either assume its f!reader or ask for f!reader. like honey ily let me get u a link to someone else u can ask.

[weirdhom0]

Project to read every zero day fanfic on AO3

So yall can read the title, as of like and hour ago ive made a project for myself to read every zd fic on ao3 bc I realized that ive read a concerning amount of caldre fics so I might aswell turn it into something. So far ive read the equivalent of 3 pages on ao3 as of now (60 fics) ive only made this an official thing an hour ago so I havent been smashing out reading every fic on a page back to back to back, ive just been going through pages and reading ones that catch my eye so all the ones ive already read are spread out across 25 pages of all zd fics on ao3, ill try to get through every one but idk bc theres no way im touching 'THE GREAT DILDX IN CALS ASSHXLE!!!' LIKE HELL NAH IM NOT READING THAT SHIIITTTT!!!😭😭😭 Or like 'the great tales of butter on andres belly' IM MOT FUCKING READING THAT you couldnt even play me to skim those fics honestly.

But basically every week or 2 im just gonna be reading a few of them and updating yall on my thoughts and feelings bc oh boy do I have some feelings about these fic, not updates and thoughts on all the individual ones ive read bc hell no im not gonna put that much work into this.

Progress so far + stand outs

like ive said, ive read 60 fics so far and honestly not many stand out to me this far mainly bc their just not very good like their either straight up poorly written smut or regular fics with not alot of flavour to them ofc no hate to the creators all power to them honestly if they have the drive and passion to put their work out there then thats great for them, I just dont have much to say on those types of fics. A MASSIVEEEE thing ive noticed with alot of the fics in the zd fandom are the concerning tags that get put on them like why in the fucking hell are there so many god damn non-con fics??? Its a weird amount that im less then pleased to see and really really dont wanna see more in the future id like to see college au's, coffee shop au's, record store au's (heheheh always gotta throw in a cherry waves reference) or more happy ending fics but idk ig thats just what I want. Kinda random but I just remembered seeing a young royals caldre au fic one time and I havent seen it since im really looking forward to it bc im pretty sure its 15 chapters long I LOOVVVEEE long fics but also I think a young royals caldre fic would be so fire?? Like I see the vision

STAND OUTS!!!!

Not alot of notable fics, just 3, but their 3 damn good fics that are absolute must reads.

(not in specific ranked order)

1. CHERRY WAVES!!!! Brief rundown: its a record store caldre au where cal is an employee and andre is a customer so its a strangers to lovers type thing its also a very music heavy fic (obviously) which I love bc I looovvee music especially the music thats mentioned like deftones, wallows, the smiths ect.

God I love this fic and anyone that's seen my posts will know how much I love it, cherry waves is definitely my favorite out of the 3 so far and I may have just some very low standards for zd fics but this was a genuinely enjoyable read for me. Its long (13 chapters), its a slow burn, its cute, and the best one for me is that its got me hooked into the story without the appeal of ungodly amounts of s3x!! Its good for me bc im literally asexual (the s3x repulsed kind) and borderline aromantic so yeah horray!! There is a chapter where cal and andre get freaky but its not even relevant to the story and the author wrote it to be skippable which bless his heart he is a saint for that, a true sweetheart ty miles💜 not much else to say without spoilers so go read it for yourself, I cant link nor can I tell yall the ao3 acc bc its an orphan acc now so just search up 'cherry waves' on ao3 and try to find it, theres only 8 pages so its not too hard to miss bc its written like 'Cherry waves [COMPLETED!!!]'

2. Televangelism by anonymous Brief rundown: religious cal, non believer andre. Cal is like super super super religious and is constantly talking about god and shit like that and andre is like 'yeah whatever'. Some build up later and boom caldre🎉🎉 its not alot of plot to explain without spoiling it so please go read it, its only one chapter so its not gonna take up that much time

THE WRITING IS PHENOMENAL. BEYOND AMAZING. IT GENUINELY HAD ME CLUTCHING MY PEARLS BC OF HOW GOOD THIS WAS OMGGGGGGGG!!!! initially I was interested in reading it bc I saw the name and it made me think of the song by ethel cain and I thought the fic might have something to do with her song since ik theres some zd ethel cain enjoyers out there. I was shocked by the beautiful wording in this fic, the way the author describes the way cal thinks is just MUAH CHEFS KISS and okay SPOILER PLEASE DONT READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOUR GONNA GO READ THIS FIC CAUSE IT RUINS THE WHOLE ENDING or maybe there were hints in the fic all along and my dumbass wasnt able to pick up on them🤦 the way the author writes the caldre freaky time at the end made it sound like heaven (no pun intended) like it really made me think 'damn I need to get freaky with my homies cause holy shit this is making say gex sound so good rn'. At first when I was reading the end i didnt realize freaky time was happening until a little later then I should have realized um mb gays im too asexual for this shit!!😅😅 But also the way the author writes cals thoughts about the gay freaky time is gorgeous??!! Ugh I love when people write freaky time in a poetic manner that makes it sound like your being banged by an angel and its blasing you with radiant godly energy rather then me reading the words 'yeah baby you like that?' and skimming over the paragraph until I see the word 'came' so ik its over. Other then the freaktastic freaky time, the whole fic is written magnificently and I really love how they write religious characters it was truly enthralling 10000000000/10 would recommend its been a bit since I read it so I might be meatriding off my memory but idk im writing this at 1 im too tired to read it again.

The lucky last, 3. FBI's most wanted by gaygurobian Brief rundown: cal and andre go through with the shxxting (god fucking damnit💀) and cals about to khs when andre is like 'lets escape I have a plan' so they escape from the police and are now on the run from the cops. Caldre caldre caldre🎉🎉 its barely toxic well i mean a little but I dont think having a argument with your bf is toxic. Cal is also transmasc if that adds anything but not really.

THIS FIIICCCCC GOD ITS SOO GOOOOOOOOODDD idk if this was the first zd fic ive ever read or if it was the first GOOD zd fic ive ever read either way it was an og fic for me and the most memorable aswell. I remember so clearly the day I read it and how invested i was in this shit it was crazyyyyy, the writing is amazing and the author could really go places with how talented they are at story telling it was just wow wow wow im speechless. Im being so real when I say I like this cal and andre more then cal and andre in the movie bc ik they both did the same insane act of shxxting up their school but the fic really makes cal and andre more likable and makes them feel like people in a way that I didnt see them in the movie. I dont really sympathize with the cal and andre from the movie and I lowkey dislike them bc ik they probably stunk and were completely dicks, but cal and andre from this fic?? Bro those are my homies they are gannnggggg their genuinely so much more likable in the fic which I mean its a fic yeah ofc their gonna seem more likable especially when they are in the hands of a talented author that knows how to expand on a character even if that character has little to none backstory or atleast not much to work off of to make them likeable as people😮‍💨 thsi fic is written so well that my ass stayed for the freaky time like that shit wasnt even that bad and was actually written well enough to where my brain wont vomit from cringe it really opened my eyes up to well written freaky time AND its perfectly intergraded into the story like its eased into it and it doesnt just come out of nowhere which im happy about. THE END OF THE FIC IS CRAZY THO I WAS SAT IN MY ROOM FOR 10 MINUTES IN SILENCE AFTER FINISHING IT MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOOR AND I HAD TEARS IN MY EYES!!! But yeah this fic is a classic in my eyes the whole fic is truly magnificent its 3 chapters of bliss bro its so so so good, the author is talented as FUCK and has a few other zd fics that ive read but just cant remember but ik they were amazing I just know it.

Thats it hopefully I can get out an update tomorrow this is gonna be one hell of a project thats gonna really hurt my eyes and my soul

[alma-amentet]

OK, I think I'm officially done.

Last two days were awful. I'm mentally shattered and exhausted. Was getting better from prev time, but then... Yesterday I was just a click away from blocking a person, but in the end decided to hold. Blocked a tag instead, that was it (lrb, yeah).

So today she blocked me herself. I don't blame anyone (trying to not be hard on myself... bc yeah I tend to blame myself first thing. Hope this post doesn't add nails to my coffin lid, I'm just trying to speak abt my POV and not make it worse). It was 1:1, cultist 🤝 d*ckrider.

Yet still feel very bitter. We were nice and supportive in the past, that was the reason I hesitated, but recently it was only triggering. I nearly cried bc of her posts not once! Tried to be understanding, yet couldn't stop taking it personally. We had several talks, it wasn't helping. I know it's my own problem. My bad is that I haven't taken measures earlier (like explaining everything and parting peacefully). I too didn't want to loose nice moots... Even if it's obviously no longer nice. I'm not some vile toxic bitch (or stupid paladin hell yeah), you know, I have feelings, too. And everyone makes mistakes.

Maybe all for good. In the end, still hard.

The thing is I reblogged another post from a person she's had troubles with, she took it personally. OK that one was really too harsh, but then, me seeing all those posts about stupid brainwashed Miquella cultists day by day felt no different. I actually did a repost while still half asleep, maybe it was my subconscious reply to what was yesterday.

Guess I just happened to be on the wrong side, with people who did her wrong. They did nothing to me, I wasn't going to take sides at all (like discussing people behind their backs, bullying and such). Interacting with them really helps easing my frustration over the DLC, while trying to find sense in it really doesn't. I lost all that sense.

I totally don't judge people who keep doing it, even envious to some point. Would like just to stay dwelling peacefully in AUs, fixes and pre-DLC lore bc not ready to ditch this interest (actually now even afraid it may die with all this turmoil). Hate is not an option, but to me, all that 'disco horse' was also not easy to take, no better than people it was judging.

So yeah, all for good in the end. 1:1, like I said.

As for that reblog. I did it bc yeah, venting and ranting is my way of coping. It really helps. To feel not alone, to relieve the stress. Yet I never adrresed of called names anyone myself. And then... I explained enough already: was half asleep and really pissed off by previous day's stuff on my dash which happened not even once, that's it.

[borom1r]

Do you want to answer this question about Boromir for me?

What was Boromir's relationship like with his maternal uncle Imrahil?

It's okay if you don't! Maybe this one will interest you more:

What is Boromir's pet peeve?

Bye!

HI I will always answer Boromir asks!!!!! I think I have some posts floating around somewhere (my tagging system is an inconsistent ✨nightmare✨) but I’ve always held true that Gondorian culture mirrors Medieval/Renaissance Noble Culture, so as young nobility Boromir would’ve been sent to serve as Imrahil’s squire (and Faramir as well)

as such I think he has a genuinely very strong relationship with Imrahil! I think he probably had a tendency to be overly serious when Faramir wasn’t around (lots of expectations on his shoulders even as a boy), so I imagine it took a bit for him to warm up to Imrahil. I also think he has this sort of expectation of the other shoe dropping— “he’s nice to me, but will he treat Fara the same way father does?”

+ then ofc Faramir comes to Imrahil’s court when he turns seven to serve as his squire as well and Imrahil is nothing but kind to Faramir too, which I think would be when Boromir kind of breathes that sigh of relief and allows himself to relax around Imrahil. — and like, I also love Imrahil being just genuinely kind and caring to both the brothers, because I love to torment Faramir, and I have my own Complex Parental Issues + see a lot of Denethor in my own Nightmare Parent. (hell world.) It is truly genuinely awful to hear “they love you even though it seems like they hate you, just give them time, they’ll recognize it in the end” when you know what a parent’s love should ACTUALLY feel like from someone else. Parents Be Normal Challenge: Impossible.

anyways generally speaking a squire would finish out their training and become a fully-minted knight at 21– I suspect Boromir would’ve been called back to Minas Tirith around age 19, and I do think he kept up a correspondence with his uncle. At first to get reports about Faramir (because gods know Denethor is. Well.) and then just to genuinely stay in touch with the man. I think Boromir makes a point to come visit Faramir and his uncle + cousins when Lothíriel is born.

also, I talk about this in the costuming document but there’s such an interesting element to Denethor’s costuming of like, mirroring the brothers’ motifs but More. Grander, More Intricate, Richer. It’s easy to overlook bc so much of his clothing is black but even that: true black fabric was EXCEEDINGLY expensive, never mind the sorts of intricate weaves and things like his scabbard and full length hauberk. like such a key visual element to Denethor is literally just Showing His Sons Up. and im insane about it, truly, but imagine growing up being in competition with your own father in this really insidious, subtle way. You’re the Golden Son, the measuring stick by which Faramir fails, you’re held on this pedestal and Yet. your father is always Better Than You. Your successes are not your own, they are his (but your failures? oh, those are all yours).

yet then there’s Imrahil. who loves Boromir because Boromir is his nephew and that is enough. who would love Boromir whether he succeeded or failed, because at least Boromir is trying. argh. I don’t think Boromir shows it well but I do think Imrahil means a lot to him, and was a fundamental influence on him and how he treats others. not to say Boromir would be unkind without Imrahil’s influence, but rather that he probably wouldn’t be quite as well-adjusted lmao

anyways, as for pet peeves..

I don’t think there’s a looooot that actually bothers him? I think it would more be a breaking of routine. it’s sth I’ve touched on in one of my fics (as sth instilled in him by Imrahil, actually! + it’s sth I myself picked up from my dad lol), but I think when he gets the chance to sleep in a bed he makes it perfectly each morning. and I think there are other little rituals he follows carefully. packing his bedroll properly if he’s on the move, caring for his blade and other equipment, washing up as best he can. I think as long as he can keep up with his own little rituals he can let most things roll off his back.

I also think if he does get snappy, once he’s returned to his like, baseline level of routine he’s the first to go “wow I was acting like an idiot, that was a stupid thing to be annoyed about” and apologize. The man has one younger brother by blood and three younger cousins all born while he was serving as Imrahil’s squire, so I think his tolerance level for Annoying Gremlin Shenanigans is very high most of the time. just don’t interrupt his routines lmao

[imustbenuts]

How do you handle how low key racist toward Japan a lot of fandom is in favor of shoving only American cultural viewpoints into things? I'm so tired...

hm.... a loaded question. short answer for how i handle this:

I don't.

i just. don't. i don't even try to process what i know for sure is a bad take at all, and i make it a point to curate my online spaces as much as possible.

(or at least, i do on very very rare occasions if i feel arsed enough to hop on my keyboard to smashing out a more educated post about it based on my own understanding. more on this in a bit.)

if i go into a fandom tag and i see rampant nonsense, such as during the 1st two months of fire emblem engage's release or some incredible pumpkin spice latte takes, and i feel like it's just too much bc im getting angry, i just disengage. i might read if i feel like it, but if its too hostile i don't add to the conversation. i leave. i don't pass go bc i have waaaay better things to do than potentially engage in a conversation im already not happy to have.

in some occasions i even block. if i feel like someone is being a dipshit in the posts i make with their tags even, i block.

and i suspect im not the only one. how often do you see asians who reside outside of the west actively partake in fandom discussions? its such a drain of energy when it goes bad. most asians are working faaaaar longer hours than the average westerner in the average office setting. i mean, fuck, man. if i want to have fun, im not coming to a place i know i wont be having much. (ofc we are all having it bad. the point is: limited energy is a big factor for why going against the general set consensus is a bad idea)

i've been dealing with this for the past 10 years. minimum. it has always been like this. it has ever always been like this everywhere.

soooome fandoms are chiller than others for sure. but i dont actively participate in fandoms bc: im tired and my attention hops all over the place.

im ALSO gonna drag proship antis DNI into this ramble bc i believe strongly this culture is an evolution of the old 'your fave is problematic' culture mixed with puritanism culture and i hate it. i hate it bc it gets applied to everywhere, even in a japanese/asian culture space where people in fandoms are generally more "you stay in your lane i stay in mine, we're all freaks, just dont break any laws or be terrible". understand that east asian society in general is collective compared to western's more individualistic one, which reinforces that lane thinking. so all these high moral showing-off is just a big pissing contest to me.

in fact its such a pissing contest i actively refuse to follow people who have DNIs in their profiles. id have more respect for those who can say 'i dont like xyz, its not my cup of tea'. its a normal response, i think.

and im done ranting about my personal feelings :v. some practical advice from my dumb of ass:

a person knows what they know

a person doesnt know what they dont know (ignorance)

a person cannot be taught what they dont want to know (willful ignorance)

a willfully ignorant person is not anyone's job to directly fix. only they can check themselves.

hostility begets more hostility. anger is an addictive emotion. block and move on if someone is consistently being annoying/a pos online, its not worth the mental bandwidth

a person wants to know what they know they don't know (curiosity)

if theres something educational worth sharing that can be communicated in a digestible way, it is sometimes worth it. people like reading, but more importantly, communicating. be that with the OP or their own group.

and also, im not immune to any of the behaviors i dont like above myself. there are also limits in what i know. :v hypocritical of me lmao

[memberment]

Good evening

Guys I just got home from work and proofread everything I needed to including this next Dandelion chapter and I'm trying so hard not to just fucking SOB over it.

I hate it here I want out LMFAOOOOOOO THIS IS SO SAD WHY DID I WRITE THIS FR

10:59 update......

I'm thinking about an absolutely diabolical twist for the Trin series(it doesn't actually change the story in any way, if anything it actually makes it make so much more sense). Like, I've been ruminating on it since last night but idk if it's gonna throw people off. But at the same time like part twos and threes never do as good anyways so do I really even care?? Like, I'm just out here telling stories in fanfic font bc I would rather throw myself in the street than make OCs and not share my fun little stories.

I think I may commit to it.

I don't wanna say it on here though bc it's one of those plot twists you get will not forget even though part three is like FOREVER out.

The more I think about it the more I wanna do it. Someone tell me I should do it.

Oh my god I am shutting up and finishing reading Dandelion, y'all will hear my virtual screams in approximately one and a half business hours.

(11:43) I'm actually fucking sobbing and I didn't even start the last few chapters. Like, I'm actually crying over this. It's not funny.

(12:00) Never by mag lo coming on while I'm finishing up reading this is not funny. I'm devastated. I hope you all hate me after this oh my god I feel like I just ruined my own life. WHY IS IT SO MUCH WORSE AFTER BEING DONE WITH THIS FIC FOR ALMOST TWO MONTHS. Jesus Christ. Yeah. No more angst from me for a long while. I'm banned.

(12:20) Me skimming through tags on fics debating if I want to pick up something new. Everything being totally normal. Suh happy. Trying not to stew in my own misery. And then I see such a vile tag my stomach twists and now I'm just like okay I'll go fuck myself I guess I'll go write or do my homework. I'm sorry, I adore ao3 and I'm never gonna be a hater, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE WILD. LIKE I AM TALKING SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CONSIDERING DOING MY HOMEWORK OVER THAT. LIKE I ACTUALLY JUST WIPED THE TEARS OFF MY FACE AND GOT OVER HOW SAD I WAS BECAUSE OF HOW GENUINELY SHOCKED I WAS. Like wow oh wow.

Anyways. Updates here if there's gonna be any. Also Dandelions up if anyones reading this LMAO

It's 1:40 in the morning and the beginning of Morning Glory is making me fucking unwell. I was not joking when I made that joke about like ten dreaded weeks of angst, Jesus Christ.

(2:12) This is my second time posting this exact part. Like I know I've posted this exact part. But I seriously love Christophe and all of his dialogue with my whole heart.

(4:31) I do not recall making Dova this tragic and I'm literally about to sob over him. LIKE WHY???? WHY DID I DO THAT??? WHY ARE HIS LITTLE SUBTLE BITS OF STORYLINE SO ACTUALLY PAINFUL AS THE STORY GOES ON????? (I am allergic to happiness I am my own canon event at this point)

(4:48) THE ABSOLUTE DEVASTATION THAT COMES WITH WANTING MORE STORY BUT IT SIMPLY NOT EXISTING BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT IS DEVASTATING.

(5:02) Welp. I'm ruined and am now compelled by god to start working on Morning Glory again. We're at 73k rn. And only two chapters that aren't the prologue are under 4k. That's fucking terrifying. Like I have 17 minus the prologue rn. WE ARE LITERALLY THREE CHAPTERS AWAY FROM THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ANOTHER 16/17 OF SUMMER ALONE. AND THERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER 14 AFTER THAT. LIKE THE 14 ARE THE PLANNED SPECIFIC EVENT CHAPTERS. BRUH. WHY DID I DO THIS????

regret.

regret is all I feel.

but I will push through.

(7:38) before I go to bed I will just say I am at 75.3k. I had no idea how I would even get close to 4k on a birthday chapter where the group effectively decided to just stay home and hang out. But now there is like 1.5k of them playing muffin time. It's wild. I love it. GOOD NIGHT.

[bidisasterevankinard]

Hello!

I'm gonna try to keep this short because I could easily turn this into a hundred-page rant if I let myself, and I can't bring myself to do that to you. 😅

I've been a silent lurker on Bucktommyblr since season 8 started. I started watching the show live at 8x05 and immediately stopped watching it after 8x06 because the breakup made me sick to my stomach. Right now, I'm sticking to my plan of not watching anything in full until I know their direction 'cause I don't feel like getting burned again. 😅

Before 8x06, I followed the Bucktommy tag and interacted with pretty much any post. After 8x06, I became more of a silent lurker, specifically for your blog. And I wanted to thank you for your Bucktommy content regarding the break-up.

After the breakup, but before I found your blog, I was starting to think I was going crazy. Almost everywhere I looked, it was people criticizing Buck for the entire episode while never really mentioning anything Tommy could've done better (and the few things I saw criticizing Tommy were clearly meant as hate, not a genuine complaint, so I don't count those).

Frankly, I found it really hard to find a blog that agreed with me that both Buck and Tommy were to blame, and both could've handled things a lot better. Like, I remember when everyone talked about how horrible Buck was at talking to Tommy because he didn't know about Abby six months in. Everywhere I looked, everyone was saying the same things about this.

This situation officially introduced me to your blog. I saw your post on the situation where you essentially said, "Um, guys, you know Tommy also didn't know about the Abby connection six months in, right? Their lack of communication skills comes from both of them." Like, I saw this post, and I literally yelled, "FINALLY!!" Many people came to the conclusion that I was crazy that day. 😂

Like, I do get why people are more willing to criticize Buck. He's the character we've been following for 8 seasons, and it is frustrating to see him act in a way that people don't necessarily agree he'd act (I do have opinions on this as well, but this is already too long 😭). But it got to a point where it felt like people didn't like Buck anymore (and I know that the Oliver situation didn't help), but they were still super in love with Tommy while ignoring the things Tommy should be called out on, specifically regarding 8x06. Some takes started to genuinely make me question whether I should even ship them anymore because it seemed like a lot of people were using Buck to prop Tommy up on a pedestal where he did nothing wrong. I can't stand it when relationships are portrayed like that.

You were one of the few exceptions I found to this. You've called out both Buck and Tommy and respectfully argued your stance to people who disagreed with you, and I've really admired you for this, especially since (just based on post reactions) our thoughts seem to be in the minority. You're part of the reason I haven't given up on Bucktommy and still chance their tags on AO3 and Tumblr, and I really appreciate you for that.

I'm sorry this is so long and that I might've gotten a bit rambly. This is after I promised myself I wouldn't write too much and could've said more. 😭 If you want, I can continue this in other asks, but I think I've taken enough of your time.

Nonny you're basically explained all my feeling too(and id you want you can say more ofc). After the finale of the season it's really hard for me in a fandom too, and recently I'm def less active bc my own problems are not helping feeling good and make my love to the ship sour. But yes, unfortunately i saw kinda the same in buddie fandom, and it happened here. People love Tommy really much, put him on pedestal, and as with Eddie do not love to look at him with critical part. Unfortunately bc of it Buck became just a tool to write Tommy in fics. It's already not so about bucktommy as about buckTOMMY. And partly i understand why. Tommy is a new shining not deep explored character, unlike Buck. But love to character and ship moves to blind love to only one character who "can't do bad"

I maybe might seem critical to Tommy more, but if people look at the post I reblog too, they'll see i agree that Buck was wrong too(I also explore it in my fics too), but yes, unfortunately somehow a lot of people only decided that in the wrong is only Buck

I'm always try to respectful, bc ofc we're all different and have opinions, but I was, is and will talk how Tommy DID wrong with Buck too. Communication problems came from both of them, Tommy's speech that is really biphobic, the way maybe he didn't plan it but what he said basically means "I wanted fun time and it's your problem if you thought we're serious"- this again comes to problem with two street communication, but at least 6 months in Buck, maybe wrong way, but stated his expectations, and actually he stated them in 7x5 too, in the way he could when he only understood he is interested in men. Also, Tommy twice showed himself as a runner. Twice. And if we add Tommy's running from 118 before 1s, it means three times. Remember what is show's stance about 3 times being a pattern?

Rn actually both Buck and Tommy should do a WORK TO BE BETTER. And if smt Buck is doing it. He's not clinging, he is giving Tommy space. Is baking can be seen as clinging? Maybe, but basically show made a point to show that Buck is in love. Eddie is not over Shannon after 6 years, why Buck should be after a week or month?

Partly this is why i still have hope for next part of the season but I'm still not sure if I will watch life or not

[milfygerard]

Not to tell you how to run your own blog but I loved the discussions full of nuance and would love to see them more often. But also on the other hand I know people who did that often enough that they ended up a target of hate too. Apologies for sending the super chaotic album analysis ask, I was running on fumes too, it was 5am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. The winter months come and I always have trouble waking up before the sun sets, and falling asleep before the sunrise.

Anyway I am not diagnosed with anything, never really could be with where I am, even more so as a woman (we don't even have ADHD meds, those with a diagnosis travel abroad just to buy them) but I have an inkling I might be ND because of many factors but mainly due to feeling like I'm an alien my entire life which no one seems to understand. I've thought about going abroad to get a diagnosis and then I read about what they were doing to ND people during covid and I went fuck that I'll stay wondering and alive. As for Taylor I think the biggest pointer for me was seeing her directing Me! and saying she needs to do less "dead face" or whatever she called it when looking at the footage. I went, oh I know that, it's the thing I also tell myself to do when surrounded by people. Later on I learned why that might be a thing I do lmaooo

the absolute dread i felt getting this anon notif like oh no...it begins

I appreciate the very valid concerns, ive seen how swifties can react to and treat blogs that post too much about subjects they don't like or see as valid. I also have mutuals ive seen get on the wrong end of swiftie harassment and it definitely seems overwhelming at the very least. I have a bit of luck/disguise on my end because ive kind of deduced that swifties seem to not care too much about me if they arent mutuals bc i am not technically a swiftie blog. She's definitely the special interest ive been talking about the most, but I don't post about her solely, I don't have her as my icon or in my url (girard <3) or mentioned anywhere that i'm a swift enjoyer except for me tagging her posts for mutuals who don't wanna see it. My actual posts that I write about her rarely get a Ton of notes and i make them pretty sparsely while also talking about and reblogging a ton of other random shit. I think this helps lessen the likeliness that I'll get someone who like...obsessively reads my blog to point out how stupid dumb and stupid my takes are and get attached to me in like a lolcow sense of trying to provoke me into arguing or entertaining them. If i do start getting some of that, I'll probably just turn off anon and asks for awhile and eventually theyll forget I exist or maybe even block me, imagine that <3

For the second part, I do encourage you to look into whatever neurodivergencies you think you may have even if a literal doctors diagnosis isnt a possibility! Part of the reason im pretty comfortable with tossing around words like autism is because I don't see professional diagnosis as a be all end all, nor do I think its bad to give yourself a "wrong" diagnosis while trying to understand yourself. Even if you don't end up identifying with autistm, I think being around autistic circles and learning about coping mechanisms and thought processes for other neurodivergencies can be so helpful for understanding yourself and your brain, and can bring really helpful. Like, I don't personally have DID or severe psychosis but talking to and reading write ups from mutuals has let me learn about them as like mundane mental health issues/NDs that anyone could have as well as issues i have had in the past with mild hallucinations or conceptions of personality. Most mental illnesses and NDs are treated very strangely and cruelly in general society and are considered aberrant or inherently bad or painful, but these are normal and often neutral (or positive! Which is often ignored or not considered) aspects of peoples lives.

If you are curious about self diagnosis, the most reliable and popular test online is the RAADS-R questionnaire which theres a great version of on embrace autism which i also definitely recommend scrolling through. They also have interesting articles, alternate tests and articles and tests for other neurodivergencies like OCD, which really opened my eyes to the likeliness that I've been suffering with undiagnosed OCD for pretty much my entire life. Theres also an autism forum if you want a broader spread of information and advice that might not be immediately accessible to you. I didnt touch on taylor much in this response (the dead face thing is extremely real, that and her talking about deciding to make the blood in anti hero purple glitter glue because she doesnt feel like a real normal human being in that directors on directors interview) but I do hope the other stuff is helpful and not too rambly <3 autism forever

[daz4i]

thank you! and yes ofc, any input is welcome! okay, so i've seen some people talk about how many fics get chuuya and dazais dynamic wrong, but i've not actually seen any specific critiques, so i was wondering if you have any tips to avoid, for lack of better term, to write one of the "bad ones"?

also, i don't have money for the light novels, is it generally frowned upon to write skk without having knowledge of how they are in the light novels? i don't if they're that different, but i've seen comments like "if you just read stormbringer, you'd understand" so just wondering if i'm missing out on A Lot.

and for fic posting, this is not that important, but is there some popular fic boosting tags if i wanted to promote it on tumblr?

oh these are great questions!! lemme try to answer it in an organized way (edit from myself after typing the answer up: i am so sorry for this monster of a post askjdfgh hope it's not too overwhelming 😭🙏)

skk dynamic:

one thing i think is important to keep in mind is that it has layers, and that they're not quite honest in their interactions. a good example for what i mean is like when they're rescuing q and chuuya talks about how he can't stand dazai, but then later when dazai is attacked by lovecraft chuuya is immediately concerned and runs after him to make sure he's okay, being shocked and worried when he sees his arm missing, etc. (dazai is even worse in that regard lmao)

i can speak on my own personal pet peeve with skk fics is where their personalities are flattened, and thus their relationship is as a result as well (for example, reducing chuuya to a tsundere, or making him stupid, while making dazai some dark edgelord etc) this can lead to missing one key thing in their relationship: they're equals

soukoku even just as a fighting duo isn't just "dazai thinks up strategies and chuuya fights", the whole reason they're considered unbeatable to their enemies is because they're both strong - they can both fight, and they're both smart and good at thinking quickly on their feet. it's just that chuuya is better at fighting, and dazai's strategies are more airtight. this way they're enhancing each other's abilities. so, translating that into their general dynamic is also important

another way in which they're equal that i think shows this last part^ even better, and smth that i think ppl tend to miss, is that dazai never really manipulates chuuya or forces him into situations he doesn't want to take part in - he always asks for chuuya's final word on the matter. chuuya follows his plans because he too knows they're likely the best option. this is how they maintain their trust in each other

(honestly the only time i think you can argue dazai tries to manipulate chuuya is in their reunion in the dungeon, but really it's more for shits and giggles on his end, no real malice, and chuuya probably knows that too, i think)

light novels:

first off!! even if you can't afford them, bsd-bibliophile has them right here!!! i really recommend checking it out :)

i don't think you HAVE to read them but like. it's good to know what happens in them at least generally, and it can definitely help the nuance of their dynamic. the sb comment is kind of right bc it helps figuring out one of those layers i mentioned in the beginning

i actually haven't finished strombringer myself hehe but one thing i got from it so far and from reading analysis of it (which can also help if you don't mind getting spoiled!) that i think is important, esp if you're writing about their mafia days, is that chuuya does hate dazai in the early stages of their relationship, but like. because he sees himself in him. and he sees despair he doesn't want to give in to. at least back then, dazai kind of embodies his negative thoughts about himself, even if not literally and just in his mind.

also on a more basic level both of them (tho esp fifteen) offer some shenanigans of them being silly teenagers. also dazai cringe compilation. actually this is an important part of it i think dazai should always be at least a little bit pathetic when chuuya's around (but that might also be just my own personal take :P)

tldr for the light novels thing, i think it really depends on what sort of fic you're planning to write. canonverse, and esp mafia days, i'd say it's fairly important. aus, not so much, but it can help. relationship explorations, probably. silly fluff or pwp, not really. yknow :?

posting:

hmmmmm i don't know any particular tags (except like, basic stuff, fandom / ship / main characters / "fanfiction" / maybe key tropes you're using? tho it's def not a must) but some general tumblr hacks:

posting at the right hours and days helps; around the afternoon or early evening in american timezones, on the weekends, is probably the best time to gain most traffic

use ao3's automatic sharing or post the fic as the link post format, rather than a text post or picture with a link inserted into the text. idk if it still exists, but it used to be that posts with links in the text would be hidden from search results, especially if you're a new blog (i think it was mostly removed but the new blog thing might still be relevant)

don't use swears and esp not "fuck" and its variations in the tags. hides posts from search results (i think "shit" and such is okay?? but i'm not entirely sure so. to be on the safe side, better to avoid) also don't use "nsfw" or any other possibly nsfw tags even if it's needed

speaking of. while it's probably responsible to use community labels. i'm p sure tumblr hides mature posts from search results 😭 i saw artists complaining abt their posts getting flagged and even getting shadowbanned over it iirc so. unfortunately it's probably better to avoid 😔 save the warnings for the fic itself

this might be a bug only i have lol but after making a post with quite a few tags, wait a few seconds before refreshing the tab or moving to another page. i noticed that otherwise it can hide the post from everywhere except your own blog (it might also be only relevant to image posts? but again, to be on the safe side, it won't hurt to do it)

okay i think that's all. i will say that everything i said abt skk might be just my own personal interpretation hehe so don't take my word as gospel!!! i'm sure there are many other fans and writers who view them in an entirely different light, and at the end of the day, it's up to you to choose your own version to write

and with that, i'm also turning this post to my followers, if you want to add anything, or if you have links to good analysis posts that could answer one of these questions, please go ahead! :D

as for you anon, i wish you good luck with writing, and mostly i hope you have fun with it!!! :3 just bc you see some of us complaining abt fics sometimes doesn't mean you should walk into it scared, actually please don't!!! you can do whatever you want really, and i'm sure there will be an audience for your work no matter what you create! <3

[redrocketpanda]

Content notice: this post is going to discuss sexual violence, sexualisation and kink related to Astarion's storyline and personal experiences

When making certain posts + writing my fic about Astarion, I knew it was only a matter of time before people would come at me for the content. It was never a question of if, but of when. Because we all know the internet lacks nuance when it comes to certain topics and there are a lot of people seem very invested in being the online morality police

Today I received the following comment on one of my Astarion posts. And whilst I don't wish to give air time to rando's on the internet and don't need (or quite frankly want) to defend myself, there are some points I would like to make in relation to this

The first point being a big reminder that: if you don't like something, DNI. There are plenty of other posts and fics about Astarion that are all fluff and love and treating him like a pretty little princess. Currently, my Astarion content is not that. There are many reasons as to why that's the case. And, again, if you don't like it... go somewhere else cause I ain't about to stop posting what I'm posting just because people disapprove or want to label me as problematic or "not giving a fuck about victims of SA"

I hate to break to ya but life ain't so black and white. Cause here's the thing - trauma + kink are irrevocably intertwined with one another. There are a lot of academic works and smarter people on the internet who will have said this better than me, but the main point that I want to make is that people who create particular kinds of content are often playing in the spaces that they were forged in. It is in the very act of creation that we process things we've experienced, and it's up to us what kinds of narratives we want to explore/tell and what kinds of experiences we want to have (on and offline)

Not to get all TMI on main but I am someone who is actively and unashamedly engaged in many kinds of kink. Do you know what I adore? Being treated like shit in quite domineering and violent ways. Do you know what else I love? Topping little brats who need to be forcefully put in their places. And do you know what else I have? A lifetime of experience of domestic, intimate partner, and sexual violence. This is actually incredibly normal and okay. People who have experienced trauma are multi-faceted beings.

Kink is often a place where people can safely experience untold levels of catharsis (and by extension I am including writing + gameplay in this too). This isn't the case for everyone, though it is certainly true for me, and ofc there are healthier and unhealthier ways of doing this. There was a period of my life not too long ago when I was putting myself in very risky situations to get my kicks, and now I write about fictional characters experiencing these instead bc that's what I want to be doing with my life right now

And nobody gets to tell me shit about what I enjoy, or tell me how to enjoy it, or try to make me feel guilty for it

When I say that I get off on seeing Astarion bloody and bruised, when I say he deserves to be punished and write fic about that, when I play in the space of ownership and toxic relationships, I do so from a place of lived experience. I do so from a place of being well-read and well-practiced in kink. I do so from a place free from shame and fear of what other people will think. Because I have every right to say what I say, to write what I write, and to enjoy what I enjoy. And actually, it doesn't and shouldn't matter. Even if I didn't have those experiences or knowledge, I'm still allowed to create whatever the fuck I want to create and it doesn't make me a "bad person" bc it doesn't subscribe to this puritanical moral agenda that's been seeping all over the internet (Side note: I put this in the tags but it bears reiterating here. This also reeks of the kind of shitty comments that get made about how dom's are perpetrators of abuse and violence, or that subs are victims who are being taken advantage of, which I don't even have time to go into here bc there is a lot of history behind that. but just fyi. don't. just... don't. and if you wanna know why go ask google)

I also say/write/create from a place of my personal interpretation that I think Astarion gets off on masochism too. Have you met the guy? There's so much in his character that indicates that he likes to get slapped about and teased. And yes, I do know his story, I know his background, I know him. Because there is a lot about Astarion which is a mirror of myself. And I am playing with that reflection in lots of different ways (yes, that's an Astarion joke)

There will be a time when I have a very different kind of romance with Astarion, but that's not the kind of experience I want to have right now and maybe, in some ways, I'm not ready for it. Just a few weeks ago I wrote the below piece at 3am (which is now part of a sakuatsu piece about self-acceptance and love) when I woke up crying my eyes out and needed a creative outlet for how I was feeling at the time

Not that he calls it quits. Because the messages never stop coming, they flow freely from the tap. Anytime, anywhere. Whenever he wants it. He's always in demand. Because they all want him, they all want something from him.  But he doesn't care. Sometimes he loves it, gets off on it, can't get enough of it. Sometimes it leaves him feeling cold and empty and broken. At the end of the day, what does it matter? It's all that he's good for anyway

And tonight I got hit with Astarion essentially saying something very similar:

The moment I met Astarion, I knew that what we were seeing is a cleverly constructed performance. It's a facade, stitched together of hypersexualised behaviour, witty banter and a charming smile. I would know that performance anywhere, because it's one I've been playing for over a decade. It's a survival mechanism, a mask; something which endears you to others, which makes them like you, sometimes even love you. This performance is something that Astarion has become so very good at that it's become etched onto his soul. He doesn't know who he is without it, he doesn't know what he wants. But now he has the chance to find out.

And here's the thing: he doesn't have to suddenly become some super reformed character or stop getting his kicks in sadomasochistic ways. You can be all about bodily autonomy, self-love, and healthy boundaries, and still also have big ole' ownership, degradation, pain, and praise kinks actually. And there sure as hell ain't nothing wrong with that. Because, again, people are multi-faceted.

There is space for people who want to give Astarion a hug and tell him that he's loved, to have a really tender soft romance with him. And there is space for people who think that Astarion is a horrendous little man who is in need of objectification and punishment. Both of these stances are super valid and fun.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I shall depart from this very long personal essay (that probably no one will read, but which needed to be said anyway). I've got a dungeon scene that's not going to write itself.

[inflatingnblue]

worried anon here again, but off anon this time bc fuck it, and also if we can’t be open about shit on our kink blogs, where can we??? 💜

I’ve felt and seen how seductive an ED can be; besides my own history of disordered eating and dysmorphia, the love of my life struggles with pretty serious anorexia, and it kills me to watch her be drawn back in again and again by this terrible thing that our culture only perpetuates, even now that she’s years into recovery. When she was at her worst, when she had almost convinced herself that the ED was “working,” she was so miserable and exhausted and listless and angry all the time, and she still hated her body to the point of suicidality. The weight she lost didn’t fix any of it, but it did make her incredibly hard to be around and made her life feel so small that she didn’t want to live it anymore. It makes me sick that the world we live in would rather we hurt and hate ourselves over and over again, systematically denying ourselves the nutrients we need to live, in order to make us think we’re doing right by our bodies and that people will think we’re beautiful. I’m sure you’ve heard all this kind of thing before, just as my fiancée has, from therapists and partners and friends and family and doctors, but I know from my experience that it’s easier to actually start to hear it when you’re not also exposing yourself to pro-ED voices. When I was in high school and at my most mentally ill, I had a whole secret blog where I posted and reblogged self-harm content, so I genuinely do get how that can make you feel less alone. When you’re at your lowest, the most important thing is to not isolate yourself, even if that means you’re in some darker online spaces. Obviously you can and should like whatever posts you want on here, and me and your other followers can easily protect ourselves by blocking pro-ana tags — I guess I just wanted you to know that someone who doesn’t even know you is genuinely worried about you, and hates to see you unable to see how beautiful and valuable you are.

I get the relapsing stuff too; I hadn’t restricted in almost 10 years, but then last December I went through some major life/career/medication changes and gained like 30 lbs in a couple of months, and all the ED and SH voices came right back. The best things I’ve done for myself since then are the simple ones: 1) remind myself that if it was my fiancée feeling this way I would be endlessly telling her how beautiful she is, 2) try to remember that gaining weight isn’t a moral or health failure and is actually a natural part of getting older, and 3) buy myself some cute new underwear and comfy new pants so I didn’t feel horrible every time I tried to get dressed for the day. It’s taken months, and in the mean time I got a new job, this weird old kink of mine resurfaced (possibly as a coping mechanism? idk man, the human brain is wild), and I yanked myself back into a healthier relationship with food and mirrors, but it was and continues to be fucking HARD.

Long story not-so-short, I am really proud of you for making it this far. I am proud of you for being here, and I am proud of every time you push back against those voices, alluring as they might be. Recovery is the toughest, weirdest thing, but it is so worth it. I hope your husband is loving on you lots, I hope you had a wonderful Halloween looking adorable in your Violet costume, and I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I’m leaving this as an ask bc I don’t wanna risk making you feel uncomfortable, but feel free to DM me instead of posting/answering it publicly if you’d rather.

💜💜💜

Hello Not So Anon Anymore,

I appreciate you reaching out again and for sharing some of your and your fiancee's stories. One thing I find helpful is hearing about other people's experiences, even if it's not ED related. Hearing how someone has fought and struggled and conquered is good inspiration that maybe not all is lost.

To be honest, I was taken aback by your first ask. When I started reading I was like this person is leaving a compliment, which took a left turn. Not a bad left turn, just an unexpected one. It made me face what I had been doing and it was a good example of how personal struggles don't only affect you.

Oof, I totally understand that crankiness and feeling irritated. I've snapped at people when not meaning to. When you've got a constant stream of thoughts bombarding you it can be easy to lose it, not that it's okay to do so.

Like you said isolation is no bueno. Thinking about my relapse, I did isolate. I'd think maybe I can reach out to a friend, but then I'd stop myself. They've got a lot going on and it always seems like something is wrong when I connect with them, how annoying of me, what a burden. I noticed that no one reached out to me. Not that I was expecting anyone to reach out, but usually friendships go both ways. Both people contact each other and no one did. My ED was like "see, they don't even like you." And that only made the isolation worse.

I also didn't talk to my husband because he had a lot going on and I didn't want to him to try to impede my "progress." Of course I finally told him after several months. He was upset because I wasn't talking to anyone about it, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. Who wouldn't want their significant other to be healthy?

The interesting thing is I was big and I was experiencing symptoms that someone would assume an underweight person faced. I was lightheaded a lot. There were times I wasn't near anything to hold on to so I would crouch to the floor. (I even had a dream of it happening out in public. Tried to will myself to keep walking, but eventually crouched down because I didn't want to fall.) I've never been that lightheaded ever, but I didn't lose much weight when I was younger which is why I never experienced that before. I was scared that my symptoms were increasing in frequency, but at the same time it was a sign that it was "working." I eventually fainted one night. I've never fainted and it was so scary. I didn't even know I had fainted when I first woke up. I literally thought I had somehow fallen out of bed. My memory came back quickly and I couldn't believe I had fainted. Me, overweight, had fainted? I always associated that with those who were underweight, who were actually sick, who actually looked the part of an anorexic. But something that the general population don't seem understand is that it doesn't matter your weight or size - EDs don't discriminate. Starving is starving, regardless of size the body needs energy and when you deplete it the body will respond like a car without gas. It will breakdown.

Also, I totally agree that paying more attention to the bloating and such is a coping mechanism. In a way I think I'm trying to beat "it" first. Like making fun of myself first before someone else can. Making myself big before recovery or my lipedema can. I wish this wasn't such a mind fuck.

I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Being vulnerable is challenging and it's brave you decided to not be Anon this time. And same - reach out to talk, even if you'd like to unpack what's going on with your fiancee. I really hope everything works out for you both. 💙

Thanks again.

[freedomfireflies]

Hiiihello 👋. Finally caught up on insufferable you, and let me just say…. I’m obsessed with this fic concept. You so beautifully allow each character to explore their place in the dynamic, and the tension that we’re seeing at the moment is so natural as they adjust (or struggle to adjust, in some cases) to the new dynamic. Like in some ways, I’m actually so grateful that Rebecca and H are settled into this 5 year relationship, because I think there would be so much more unease if everything new with Kitten was compounded by Rebecca and H still figuring out their own thing. Instead, we have Rebecca who is an absolute LEGEND. So warmly inviting Kitten into the dynamic, sort of guiding the way with teasing H about the intimate moments, revealing how their relationship works. Honestly Rebecca is top tier and they’re both lucky to have her!

And of course, it is so natural for Kitten to be jealous and nervous and settling in. She’s been monogamous for her prior relationships, and suddenly there’s someone else spending time with her crush/ partner. It broke my heart a little when she was trying to rush off the phone at the beginning because H was with Rebecca and has plans, even when she apologised for calling so early. Almost as if she only “has him” when he’s in her space or physically with him, whereas H was trying to take care of his girl and show her all of the other ways he could be hers even when es not there. I just thing that moment was so responsible of him, both the checking in post scene but also trying to care for her as she struggles to adapt to this newness.

And of course, the jealousyyyy. I’m glad H can admit it was hypocritical for him not to want her to call Ethan when he has Rebecca, but we have to remember this is new to him as well. We know he has shared Rebecca with other relationships previously, but so soon after they got together? Maybe not. And maybe (we hope) he’s feeling maybe some new things for Kitten which makes his struggle a little harder. I mean, we know I love a bit of angst and I see that coming sooooon if this Ethan bit does come in. In this chapter, H literally said he knew Kitten didn’t have any other plans because she tells him so much, and so what about when he asks to meet up and she says he can’t because she actually has plans?! And he’ll realise what she means and it will be a whole “oh…oh” moment. I will be HOWLING. And I can see him sulkily being like “can we do something Tuesday or is that Ethan’s night too?”. This man is about to get jealous on a whole new level. And maybe a bit petty as well, if he doesn’t agree with Ethan’s date choices (“he brought you to a horror film? As if, you hate those things. Here, why don’t we go see X film to make up for his horrible taste?”).

Lastly I just want to say that I have seen the other asks who were not comfortable with this dynamic and I think you had very respectful responses back. It’s true that this dynamic will not be for everyone, but that is why authors notes and warning tags exist. I personally am not so into fantasy themes, so when I see an author posting a new fantasy fic, I just done read it. I have no doubts the writing is excellent, I just know personally it won’t be for me. So I do hope you continue to write this fic, as myself and others are so invested to see what happens next. As I said up top, you’ve given each character their time to explore the dynamic and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Sorrrry this is ridiculously long, I just had ✨thoughts✨. What was your favourite line from this chapter?

No because you don't understand, I just sat here staring at my phone with tears pouring down my cheeks over this because this is so incredibly sweet and kind and MY HEART IS GOING TO BURST???

Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to say such wonderfully kind and crazy insightful things!!!! ALSO BC "Or is that Ethan's night, too?" THE WAY I FUCKING HOWLED OH MY GOD can I please steal this bc now I need him to be that bitter alsfjdf

I cannot thank you enough for reading and sending this, like I literally feel SPEECHLESS right now?? You have no idea, I'm actually going to think about this all week??? You absolutely got everything I was hoping would convey in the story and I'm 🥹

THIS IS SUCH A FUN AND GOOD QUESTION ILY!! Honestly......I don't remember any of the lines anymore so I had to go look HAHAH but!! I think I'd have to say, "If I don’t put a bit of distance between us…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breathe on my own.” because I feel like it perfectly explains her reasoning and her feelings in this part! She's scared by how much she's starting to care for him and she knows this dynamic isn't sustainable when he doesn't feel the same way!

BUT ALSO ALL THE FUNNY ONES WHERE SHE SAYS SHE PREFERS HIM HARD ALSO HAD ME LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES AT LIKE 2 IN THE MORNING SO MAYBE THAT TOO HAHA

Thank you again so much for this, I'm.....still at a loss for words and I appreciate this more than you know!!!