#trying not to tag it bc i hate seeing those posts in the tag myself

[haywire-cebus]

i love writing. love googling 'how do submarines and astronauts do oxygen' for your time loop space fic. its great :)

[lemongogo]

why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

[amoristt]

Grazing the Fire | VIII

oh my GOD ive been so excited to get this posted. i hope i did the vibes justice bc i had such a baller time getting it written. i never get to explore this side of him so i just went to town naturally

also shoutout to the anon who requested >this< song because it helped me absolutely ROCK this chapter out. so freaking good. i hope you guys like this chapter as much as i enjoyed writing it!!!!

reblogs + tags/replies will make my entire day as i put a lot of effort into this :)!

warnings: language, alc and drxg usage, mentions of past trauma

want to support me? here’s my ko-fi!

--

The phone manages a meager ring before Nathan’s voice is erupting through the speakers. It’s shrill, he’s arguing with someone in the background, and it should make your head ache like looking into the sun but it doesn’t. Instead, the mania in his tone decimates all that festering boredom, as does the sound of your name between all the extra chatter. 

“Where you at?”

You feel an uptick to your lips, sitting up. “My dorm, where else would I be?”

“Perfect.” More shuffling until his voice finally comes back within orbit of his mic. “Come outside.” 

“Why?”

“Because if you don’t I’m laying my horn until you do.”

“Are you-” You snap your attention to the window and sure as shit, slicing through the darkness, are two headlights pulled up to the curb of the parking lot. “Why are you at my dorm?”

“You've got ten seconds.”

“Go ahead, you'd make Madison's day.”

"I'd like to see Sergeant Wanna-Be try anything with me. Get out here!"

You roll your eyes, grinning. “How come?”

“We’re going to a party.”

“We?” Those eyes of yours widen, along with your brows raising up. 

“We.” You can hear him revving his engine all the way in your room. “Come on.”

That voice you’d heard earlier in the background of his demands pipes up again until it’s suddenly on the forefront of the call, new and obtrusive and demanding all of your attention. He’s been drinking, you realize, the slur in his words more than evident.

“Hey you gotta’ get out here so I can finally meet the mysterious- uh- fuck,” He’s shouting something away from the phone that you can’t really make out. And then he comes back just as intensely recalling your name. 

“What’s so mysterious about me?”

“What’s not mysterious? I mean shit, I didn’t even know you went to this school and yet you’ve got Nathan all- hey, hey!”

You’d think there was an earthquake the way the line is suddenly launched in rumbling chaos. It sounds like his phone is bouncing off the walls, voices whizzing by until finally you’re catching blips of Nathan’s among them. 

“-My fucking phone-” 

“Seriously-”

By the time it all settles, Nathan’s still grunting out curse words while you’re just imagining the fight for his cellphone.

“Everything all good?” You call. Nathan cuts through the shuffling, sharper than earlier.

“Can you just get out here?”

“Hmm, I dunno'… Sounds like someone's been drinking and I am not down with drunk drivers.”

“I’ve had one beer. Not even enough to feel, pansy.”

“Okay, well, I still don’t know.” 

“I’ll drag you out myself.”

“I’m nowhere near ready!”

The headlights turn off, basking your window in darkness once more. “I’ll wait.”

I'll wait. You sigh in defeat. “You’re really dead set on this, huh?”

“Yep. If you aren’t out in five minutes I’m taking off and then I will be driving drunk.”

“So what, you just want me to be the designated driver?” You can’t help but scoff, and you hate the way your heart falls just a little into your belly. “Where’s Victoria? Doesn’t she usually pick you up when you’re shitfaced?”

“Busy. See you soon.” And then the line goes dead, and with it, the ability to say no.

He really does stick around, too, the full ten minutes it takes for you throw on your best outfit and touch up the lovely make over Victoria had handcrafted just for you. Still lovely, still making you feel like much less of a goblin. Once again you thank her, dabbing away a few smudges before you’re bounding out the door. 

Snaking down the halls, the signs of the weekend are already upon you, muffled music blaring through the cracks of the doors in a majority of the rooms. You’d never been much a partier, per se, but regardless... Whenever you’d heard it, before, there’d be this deep seeded rivet of jealousy that’d seep into the roots of your heart. This time around you’re vibrating with nerves- both in anticipation and anxiety.

And, if you’re being honest, pure excitement to get to hang out with Nathan again. Even when he pissed you off. Even when he just needed a ride. 

When you step outside, it’s warmer than you’d expected. The sun’s mostly fallen now besides a faint redness in the distance, the moon now high over head. If you weren’t about to be dragged to some random party, you’d almost consider this the perfect night to take your journal down to the beachside for a few hours. 

You get two, maybe three full seconds to get the door shut behind you before you're bathed in light. He flickers the headlights on and off a few times, just enough for you offer him a sweet middle finger. Popping his head out the driver’s window, he shouts,

“Come on!”

“I’m coming, Jesus.” 

Your fantasy of beautiful rolling waves crashing onto a shoreline under the stars turn to dust, replaced with cherry red paint and headlights beaming you so brightly you can’t help but wonder if it counts as UV exposure. 

It’s always a bit of a jump to get into his ride before you're able to settle into the leather of his seat. The scent of his car is always the same- always has this new smell mixed with only the faintest hints of cigarette smoke and his cologne. You’ve become familiar with it, familiar with him, and the way that his arm drapes out the window languidly as he watches you get comfortable. 

The moment he really lays his eyes on you, you can sense a shift in him. For just a second that snark is gone, and for just a second longer, you can feel the way he takes you in. It's the first time he’s really seen you dressed up, you realize. 

For the second time that evening, you thank Victoria, and you wonder if she knew you’d be seeing him tonight. 

Though he grunts finally and peels out of the driveway like a bat out of hell, you can tell there’s something… Different about him tonight. Almost uncharacteristically mellow even despite his usual attitude problem. The sped odometer begs to disagree, however. He floors it until the engine screams and his friend in the backseat has to lean forward and tell him to slow the hell down.

“There’s no guardrail up here and if you get us killed I’m gonna’ be pissed.” He’d slurred, his red varsity jacket and dark eyes catching under rays of streetlight. 

“Hayden, Hayden, Hayden,” Nathan clicks his tongue but he takes a majority of his weight off the gas pedal anyways. “What are you? A fed?”

“They’re out tonight, and I’ve got an open beer right here.”

“Please. Those pigs won’t do shit to us. They know better than that.”

Sitting there in the passenger seat, watching him taunt and jeer away at the thought of the cops, you can’t help but wonder how deep the Prescott roots truly run in this town. If his name alone were really enough to drag him out from the tight grip of the law. 

Hayden leans forward again and casts you a look, then flashes you a bright toothy grin. “Well, well. What’s up?”

“Not much.” You shrug. “Just pretty much got kidnapped.”

“Kidnapped.” Nathan scoffs, shaking his head. “You used your own two feet.”

“Sorry, I should have said manipulated.”

“Okay, okay, so what exactly were you up to then that was sooo important?” He grins at you, and Hayden watches the exchange with amusement. 

“I was totally doing something important.”

“Like what?” The car turns down a long, winding road. “Homework, I bet. Definitely not having a good time.”

When you don’t answer, Nathan takes your silence as an agreement, so he snarks out a knew it and takes his ramblings as fact. And you have to let him- because the true alternative is far more embarrassing. Lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about him like some lovesick idiot. 

Oh, how far you've fallen.

“Homework on a Friday night should be a crime.” Hayden pipes. “You made the right choice. Manipulated or not.”

“...I hope so.” You murmur, watching the trees zip by in blurs, the sky growing darker by the second it seemed.

It was black as ink, dotted in sparkling stars by the time he turned into the final road. 

The party's presence is like a shining beacon sifting through the darkness. It demands to be known long before you actually arrive, streams of neon dotting through the passing leaves in flashes. You can hear the music thumping away and there’s cars parked along the residential curb almost half a mile out. Nathan passes them right by, snarking at those who walked along the side. He takes the VIP treatment he feels he deserves- as he always does, and he rips up the long winding driveway before he pulls right onto the front lawn digging trenches into the plush green, green grass. 

The guilt hollowing your chest at destroying such a pretty lawn only lasts long enough for you really take in the destination- and holy god, is it great. It’s the biggest house you’ve ever seen- damn near a mansion. Three stories at the very least and a full sized pool off to the side, fit with a gorgeous wrap around porch littered with moving bodies, even hedges trimmed prim and proper. 

For god’s sake, they’ve got their own fountain in the front yard. So white and so shiny and rich. 

You hop out of Nathan’s truck still in awe at the sheer expense of it all until Nathan’s calling out your name and waiting by the hood of his truck. You follow him mindlessly, almost seeking his side for cover. 

Nerves have already started to build in the depths of your chest. Mostly because there’s people as far as the eye could see, but partly because as you pass by clusters of faces you don’t recognize, Hayden is calling out to them from right behind you. They offer air high-fives and jeers from meters away.

“I thought you said this would be a small party...?” You murmur over your shoulder at him, and he just shrugs. 

“This is small.”

“This is small?” You don’t mean to gawk, but you’re almost entirely sure if there were anymore people on this guy's front lawn it could be considered its own village. 

Nathan doesn’t entertain your shock, just urges you to stay close before he’s bounding up to the porch. The front door is just as massive as you’d thought, with beautiful golden knobs and a bull-ring knocker dangling from the center. When he throws it open, you realize the front lawn had just been the appetizer. 

The music is more than noisy- it’s downright obtrusive, a never ending rhythm that could replace your own heartbeat. There’s movement at every corner, there’s hanging portraits on porcelain white walls and deep, crimson rugs that look like they cost more than your tuition. Neon lights pop and flash as dancing bodies meander by. It’s almost too much at once, and your chest suddenly feels like it’s bearing the load of your anxieties. 

Almost does you in, until Nathan catches you by the wrist and guides you somewhere within the sea of faces. He winds through the halls and you try your best to not bump shoulders as he does, all the way until he’s trekking down a flight of stairs. New music awaits you down there, fit with dimmer lights and an almost shocking scarcity of people. 

It’s one hell of a finished basement. Just as impressive as the rest of the house, you're sure, if you had been able to make out anymore details before you were trucked away. You hadn't realized Hayden was gone until now, glancing over your shoulder and wondering when he’d gone off on his own. 

Oh well. 

Although you can finally see what’s going on around you, there’s a new beast to overcome: the mixed smog of weed and cigarette smoke. It threatens to choke you right where you stand, infecting your lungs with every inhale. 

From before you even hopped into Nathan’s truck, you were praying for another adventure with him. All too excited to live a little more. But now, neck deep in a haze of grey and fighting off the overwhelming pressure of being perceived by strangers, you were starting to think maybe you were in a bit over your head. Nathan or not.

But at least the crowd is thinner down here, and at least you can’t hear Hayden, as lovely as he was, draw every last face in your direction. Now there’s mostly groups of four of five relaxing in different corners, some lounging on beanbags or sitting on the floor. Nathan scans the room before he settles on a specific group relaxing towards the back of the room. Two couches facing each other, a small table in between harboring bongs and bottles of alcohol. He spots them just as they see him too, and they all erupt into smiles, waving him over excitedly. 

If he hadn’t still been clutched tight to your wrist, you’re sure your feet would have kept you planted in that spot, but he drags you on before you get the chance to hesitate. Up close now, you note how there’s about four of them, a healthy mix of girls and guys. Three relaxing on one side, one on the other. A few faces are familiar, but most are not.

And they’re all looking directly at you.

Nathan doesn't bother with introductions, just plops down on the couch and tows you down with him. You settle in, nudged between him and the arm rest, perfectly contained at his side. Nathan’s chatter starts almost instantly, and you fidget with the hem of your shirt and try to listen through all the brain fog. Sitting, now, watching him take over the moment, it’s relieving. Makes you feel smaller, like you’re hiding, almost, mind growing vacant by the second.

Until you’re being spoken to, that is.

“So who’s this?”

A blonde girl across from you is leaning on the coffee table with these watchful blue eyes that seem like they’re picking you apart. If she’s anything like Victoria, you’re sure she is. 

You tell her your name and she hums, bounces your name around a few times in her skull. The guy beside her leans forward too, looking at you much with much more… judgement. His hulking red varsity jacket, similar to Hayden's, almost seemed to glow under the LED lights over head, a beer can in his broad hands. The look on his face makes damn sure to remind you that you're a stranger in this house.

He cocks his head and takes a swig of his beer.

“Do you even go to Blackwell?” 

The girl beside him swats his arm. “Duh.”

“Well I’ve never seen her.” He leans back in his seat again and takes another sip. His attention turns towards Nathan, who is busy pouring streams of clear liquid into tiny glasses. “Ay, Nathan, you brought her?”

“Fuck yeah, I did.” He plucks a shot glass from the line, flashing a grin at his jocky friend. “Trust. She’s a goddamn party animal.”

You feel your stomach churn at his words. You certainly were not a party animal.

The noise is overstimulating, and there’s more eyes on you than you count, or it at least really feels like it. For some reason you'd always thought that being Nathan Prescott's plus-one would feel like knowing a celebrity. But instead you just feel like... Charity, for some reason. Like you don't have the right to be there, with him. With them.

Or, at least, that was the vibe you got from the looks on their faces.

You weren't sure what you should have expected. These were Blackwell's "elites", residing at the top of the food chain. Meanwhile you were simply just the add-on. Nathan's add-on, no less, which made it even harder.

There was a certain pressure that came along with it. It was like being under a magnifying glass, every move made under scrutiny, as if somehow you’d breathe wrong and embarrass him and yourself.

It was all just... A lot. And you can't even try to focus on anything else except being perceived, because even the room itself is making you feel as though you were misplaced.

The piles of ashes on countless trays stinks to high heaven and you’re pretty sure you’re already getting a contact high from the plumes of smoke thickening the air. The thrum of music should be comforting, but you can’t even hone into the beat. That antsy squirm under your skin is back in full force. 

Then, suddenly, Nathan is handing you the shot glass, basically shoving it into your hands so he can retrieve his own. You blink at him, unsure if you’re really feeling the whole intoxication thing.

Everyone else on the couch plucked a glass and held their cups out to the center of the table. 

“Party animal, huh?” The girl sings. 

Bad, bad memories are starting to rise like bile in the back of your throat. Trust, as thin as it may be, danced through your psyche.

Nathan wasn’t a good person. You knew that.

But he was good to you.

Usually.

So when he nodded his head, urging you to drink with him, you could do little else but listen. You clutched your drink tight but you clinked it to their glasses in the center with a shakiness you couldn’t quite place. The blonde girls voice rang through you again, this cherry sparkle in her tone. 

“Cheers!”

Your anxiety rises with the glass and slithers its way back down your throat in a sear of vodka. The cringe that takes over your features is instinctual, a grimace from ear to ear and a shiver that seems to come from the very depths of your being. Nathan has the audacity to laugh at you, patting your arm. You can’t place the glint in his eyes- not quite devious, but not quite innocent, either. He never really is, after all.

You did, however, realize this isn’t the first time you’ve seen that light in those baby blues of his. The last time you did it was moments before a toaster had become nothing more than a simple pile of shrapnel. 

“So,” That girl demands your attention once more. “What’s your name again?”

“Wow.” Nathan snickers. 

“Sorry! Sorry. We’ve been smoking for a while.” She giggles. “And like, I kinda didn’t hear her the first time. Which is totally my bad, but, like, yeah. I'll remember this time, promise!"

A smile trying to worm its way over your lips. this girl was sweet, almost shocking so. Maybe your initial assessment of her was… Wrong. Perhaps she wasn’t judging you- perhaps she was simply stoned.

A little louder this time, you offer your name over the endless beat of the music. 

The way her eye’s widened, you’d have thought you told her you were the devil. It scares you, makes your gut drop.

“Woah, like… The one Vic was on about?” She trades glances with another girl across from her, sitting next to Nathan. Then she glances back at you like you’re some kind of star. “I’ve been soooo curious about you. You’re like, super elusive- which totally explains why I haven't seen you up until now."

Elusive?

The girl beside Nathan, another blonde with darker eyes, leans forward to get a good look at you.

"Oh shit, you're the girl Tate tried to take home!" She says it so casually, like it wasn't one of the worst moments of your life.

"Yeah. Lessons were learned that night." Your chew the inside of your cheek uncomfortably.

"Hey didn’t Nathan kick his ass or something?” She looks between the two of you in fleeting glances. "Vic was saying you totally beat him up for it."

And just like that, you’re right back to where you started.

A fleeting blip of embarrassment for who knows why- all red cheeked and a shifty eyed when they all begin to trade glances with one another. Nathan can see it on you, surely- and whether its because he actually gives a damn or because he’s simply tired of hearing the bastards name, he takes it upon himself to quickly pour another long line of shots. 

“I sure did whoop that punk-ass loser. But fuck that noise- are we gonna fuckin’ party of what?” The rolling chatter simmers into chirps of glee when he passes them out one by one, effectively shutting it all down in one go. 

A master at his craft.

It really does shut the conversation down, too, because they’re all more than excited to pluck a shot glass and bring it to their lips. You personally are desperate to escape the prickly feeling under your skin, so you're equally as enthusiastic. Taste be damned, you couldn't take a another minute of this sober.

The next round is delivered right into your hands, and this time around, you don’t hesitate. 

The sear isn’t so harsh this time around. It certainly isn’t enjoyable, but you don’t feel the need to retch immediately after that’s something. 

“Oh shit, there you guys are!” A boisterous voice booms over the music loud enough to earn your ears. 

You don’t need to hear his name to know who it is, but the girl across from you clasps her hands together with delight and cheers Hayden!

“Shots without me? I mean, come on!” He plops down next to her on the couch directly across from you, leans back into the plush cushion and settles a red plastic cup between his splayed legs. 

“You disappeared bro.” Nathan shrugs, hands Hayden a newly poured shot despite his already overflowing cup. 

Hayden takes it, of course, and downs it in one simple gulp. He sighs out like it’s delicious wine, or a finest fruit. You, however, can’t help but shudder for him, almost as though you could taste it yourself. 

Gross.

There’s a slow build of warmth across your cheeks, different from earlier. Not so nervy. Something softer. Fuzzier. Your belly feels just as warm too- a languid haze settling over all your jarred nerves. Never in your life had you been much of a drinker. You could count the parties you’d attended on one hand, and the last time you drank was, well…

Don’t think about that right now. 

Not right now.

Your brain struggles to reel itself in, meanwhile your hands are already reaching out for your next drink. 

Just have fun.

“Another?” Nathan hums lowly, just loud enough for you and you alone to hear.

You just nod, wrenching down all those terrible feelings until all you’re focused on is your next drink and the look in his eyes. It’s like a kid in a candy store, the way he’s almost jittery with eagerness, all too willing to line you up with more drinks. The first, the second, now you’re onto the third.

“Aye, wait for me.” Hayden’s lifting his plastic cup to you, cheers it with your glass, and then tips his head back to gulp down whatever mixed drink concoction he’d found for himself. 

With it, your anxiety finds itself climbing down, down, down, until you’re actually starting to enjoy yourself. Starting to feel lighter than air, and you’re leaning forward to chat with the girl across from you idly. 

Everything starts to change in phases. In the beginning, when you’d started to feel like you were fuzzy and warm from the inside out, it was getting easier to feel like you weren’t under the microscope any longer.

Nathan would bump his leg against yours every now and then. Between the casualty of his tone and snickers, you were meeting a side of him you'd had yet to visit.

Party Nathan.

The vortex club representative- the true king of the night. Somehow, after all this time, you’d not yet gotten to witness the greatness for yourself. He seemed… Lighter. Less guarded, slacked shoulders and a lopsided grin on his face. It was lovely. Down to earth. It was everything you felt the first time you’d seen him- some far away being rooted to a picnic table, the shroud of gloom cascading over him like an aura. 

In the most indescribable way, you feel as though the very energy of yourself is alive. Like you’re glowing, somehow. When he catches your eye between conversations you can’t help but smile at him broad and goofy and sweet. 

“What?” He laughs, leans down to hear you. 

“Nothing,” You giggle. “I just feel nice is all.”

"I see that." He laughs too, knocks his knee against yours again. “You look like you feel nice.”

And suddenly, everything melts away. The music and voices assaulting your ears starts to twist and turn into something much, much more acceptable. Beats of EDM vibrate through your body, laughter amongst the chatter. It’s like music actually now- real music, a physical feeling that rocks through you with the rhythm. Opens you up and has you giggling away at the shittiest of jokes and shouting over the music to talk with your newest friend, blonde girl.

Taylor, you learn. 

Hayden cuts into your conversations every now and then, asks you questions about yourself and your home life. You’re more vague than you aren’t, intentionally omitting most personal details they haven't quite built enough friendship points to unlock yet. 

He gets close, though. You can see why he had a reputation for being one of the more pleasant people at Blackwell, and you can see why Nathan liked him so much.

Honest, easy going, and equally as fun to be around. The way he speaks to you makes you feel like he’s known you your whole life, a friend from the very beginning. You wonder if he’d be this kind to you had you not been at Nathan’s side. But then, you realize almost just as quickly, you don’t have to wonder. Because you are at Nathan’s side, and he’s slung his arm around the backside of the couch and he's grazing the tips of his fingers along your shoulders absentmindedly. 

So you keep smiling, and you keep laughing. And you enjoy every moment of it.

Next to Taylor, the jock from earlier, leans forward and extends a cigarette out towards you. You, for some fucking reason, decide that you’re feeling extra good tonight so you dive right in and bring the cigarette to your lips before you’re huffing your lungs full of smoke.

The burn you anticipated never comes- instead this time, more of a deep tickle that snowballs with the unmistakable taste of herb. 

The "cigarette" is gone not a second later, stolen by Nathan, whose whistling out at your actions. The ember tip of the blunt is glowing so vibrant it could be a taunt.

The boyish grin on his lips is the sole reason you don’t start freaking the hell out, too focused on how soft he looks right now. How he watches over you and soaks in the way you start to loosen up all at once. 

“Shit, you weren't kidding. She does party!” The jock cheers, and thus evokes a chorus of laughter, meanwhile you’re busy absolutely fighting for your life to not cough an entire lung out onto the table. 

Nathan leans back and grins with pride- and oh god, how your heart bursts into fireworks and flames all at once. If there had been a reward for agreeing to drag your sorry ass out of your room and giving into him, this would be it. A mere few seconds turning the tides- you were in heaven.

“You were doubting my taste?” He remarks. 

Five words and now you’re gaping at him in awe. An open admittance whether he intended to or not- you were his taste. 

There’s weight both lifting and gathering within your chest, an overpowering lax settling into the fibers of your skin and down to the thick of your muscle. Starts from somewhere behind your ears and cuts a path down the length of your spine until your entire body feels as though it could sink into the depths of the couch cushion. It’s all consuming, and you think that if it weren’t for both the music coursing streams into your ears and the endless vault of laughter amongst it you’d surely feel like you’re inches from doom. 

The drinking has certainly helped too, you think.

As did Hayden, and Taylor, and the fact that you’re being treated like a friend more than a concept.

You were starting to understand it now- the reason why your friend used to try to drag you out to events like this. Maybe if you had gone with her rather than drag your heels in the sand, you’d have been able to blossom. 

There’s a thrum of life under your skin you seldom felt even on your best nights. The music is lovely, the drinks are starting to go down smooth as water, and Nathan’s still petting over your shoulder with loose, nimble fingers. 

It’s hard to feel anything else other than good. Downright incredible when you nestle yourself into the curve of his side and he only moves to let you tuck in further. Those fingers on your shoulder fall down to your side languidly, as if you’d always been there. You aren’t sure if he even knows he’s doing it, lost in conversation with Hayden, simply moving on instinct beside you. 

Bathed in neon and LED’s, a smile on his lips and cheeks rosied with liquor, you wanted to remember him like this forever. 

You’re drunk by the time the fifth shot comes into play, but you drink it anyway, and it settles in your belly to mingle with the rest. Nathan set’s his glass back down on the table and then the spotlight dangles over you under his watchful eyes. He really hones into you, and you lean right back and let him tell you all sorts of things until you’re breathless with laughter and full on his stories. 

It’s like being lost in your own little word, just you and him. All else fades as it always does in his presence, even when you don’t realize it. 

When Nathan decides that it’s time to grab a few lung-fulls of air, he brings you up to your feet and drags you away as if you were a living part of himself. Maybe, in that moment, you are. Seeing the blurry faces and feeling the music through his senses, stumbling up the stairs and giggling when he clutches the railing tight to keep steady. 

Getting outside was an adventure all of it’s own. You’re pretty sure you've accidentally rammed into at least four people but he tows you along until suddenly you’re feeling the breeze on your skin.

All is forgotten, nothing but wind through your hair and the space to properly breathe. The wooden rail of the porch gains two more pairs of elbows to support. His eyes are dazzling under the array of stars overhead. 

Fishing through his pockets and retrieving an actual cigarette, he leans forward cups the flame with a broad hand. The sight of him must be addicting, because you can’t help but let your eyes wander over the ridges and valleys of his boney knuckles. Words are forming in the pits of your chest, metastasizing until you’re struggling to hold them back. The rolling waves of influence make it harder to function, and with it, brings a sense of yearn to wrestle with. 

Don't say anything stupid.

You’re so lost in it that you don’t even realize you’re staring. Nathan does, though, drunk or not. He always notices- always has. He sucks in a long drag of his cigarette and lets the smoke drift away with a bemused sigh. 

“You gonna’ take a picture?”

You blink once, twice. “Huh?”

“That face on your face.” He straightens his back and takes another long huff. 

“Sorry.” It’s a struggle to not slur your words, hands gripping tight to the rail to keep upright.

He’s got experience on you- clearly swaying with unsteady feet but managing himself miles beyond your ability. 

“Feeling good?”

“I feel fucking amazing, actually. Now I’m kind of pissed I never went out in highschool.”

“Man,” The scoff that leaves him is almost visceral, and then shakes his head and looks towards that vast dark sky. “Fuck highschool.”

“Seriously? I’m shocked.” Despite your bewilderment at this statement, giggles are tumbling from your lips and your fingers are growing handsier by the second. They find their way to his jacket, the fabric soft against your touch. “I thought for sure you would have been rocking that prom-king thing.” 

“Hell no.”

A button rises above the cotton, and you fidget with the outline. “No? What was it like for you, then?”

You nearly say probably better than mine I’m sure, but then you catch something forlorn in his eyes that stands out so far beyond everything else it almost sobers you up right then, right there. And then you’re stuck, lips parted as he makes the quick decision to no longer meet your bleary gaze. He’s shrunk so far away so quickly, gone in a blink. Not so far that you couldn’t reach, though.

You click your tongue.

“That shitty, huh?”

“Highschool…” A grimace riddles his expression. Then, after a beat of thought, he just says, “Highschool sucked.”

Christ, it should be criminal how badly you want to pry. How you want to dig your fingers into his jacket and urge him to tell you more, more, more. Tell you everything, all the ins and the outs of Nathan Prescott. But you’re still right enough in the head that you, instead, share his stare into that endless sky. 

“Looks like we’ve found another thing in common, then.”

That get’s his attention, again. He glances at you and although it’s so quick you’d wonder if it's truly happened at all, you can feel the way he spotlights you. Then, just as quickly, he seems to tear away with a huff of agreement. 

The front door swings open, remains that way as someone clearly trashed nearly tumbles down the steps of the porch and meanders into the front yard. They moved like a zombie, like their limbs were too heavy for their body. Reminds you that you, yourself are starting to feel like a sense of direction is merely a concept. The fifth shot makes it presence known when you lean too far back, just an inch or so, but you nearly go tumbling on your ass. 

Nathan nudges you back up right with a shit-eating grin, finding the state of you to be almost too funny. You can literally feel the way your walls are crashing down all at once. It’s getting easier to touch him, to share his warmth. And he’s welcoming it- he’s inviting you. Even now when you’re upright and steadied he keeps his hand firm on your shoulder, an olive branch glowing in the night.

“Thank you for bringing me,” You blurt. “I’m the worst designated driver ever.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Liar.” Try as you might to shove his arm playfully, you miss entirely and faceplant into his chest. Another eruption of chiding laughter whilst he snuffs his cigarette out on the beautiful white paint of the railing. 

“Watch the jacket." He snickers. "Don’t fuck my shit up. You know how much this costed?”

Everything, everywhere, from the top of your head to the tips of your fingers, twinkles like static. The night is so beautifully warm. You aren’t sure if you’ve ever truly appreciated spring like this before, drunk and languidly swaying to the music beating through the still open door.

Summer would be upon Arcadia Bay, and quickly at that. The beaches would swarm with bikini bodies and dozens of selfies, tourists and graduates flocking to the scenery. 

Your reeling mind rolls to the a stop. 

Graduates. 

In just a few short months, you’d be packing up and headed back home. Of course you’d be back, but after that… 

Nathan hones in the shift in your nature. Ducks down to see your face better.

“What? You about to puke?”

“No,” Your tongue darts between your lips. “Just... thinking.”

“...About…?”

Days spent without his menacing fun would surely drag on like molasses. Even back then, when you weren't blessed with the opportunity to hang with him and his "crew", you spent your winter break ruminating over him- the idea of him. The first thing on your mind when you’d awake, the last thing on your mind before you’d sink into slumber. 

And once you graduated… It would be forever. Your mom had big, big plans for you, after all. With Blackwell under your belt, you’d slink into a lovely job with lovely pay. Easy and under the radar. Perfectly pleasant. Weekly visits with your mom, coming back to a quiet house in a even quieter suburb. Settling with what’s there. 

A part of you wonders if Nathan feels the same. Although much more... Lavish than yours. His life paved out for him already, no room for wiggling, his Father this menacing presence choosing the steps and the destination for his son. 

You’d take on your nine to five, marry someone just as empty as you. Nathan would probably rise to the family business and marry some bombshell who clung to him, two trophies planted in a glass cabinet. 

You taste something bitter in the back of your throat. 

“What just happened? How stoned are you?”

You blink, try to swipe away the dread in your gut. It takes a moment before you can speak, but you find it. 

“Hey, where are you going after Blackwell?”

His first instinct is to shrug, but the way he’d taken aback by your sudden question doesn’t go unnoticed. You tilt your head. 

“What, not sure?”

Yet another shrug. “Where are you going?”

“Probably back home.”

Nathan scoffs. “Lame.”

“Not lame,” You swat his arm, pushing off his chest and leaning the brunt of your weight against the railing. “You gonna’ stay in Arcadia Bay?”

You’re so sure he’s going to shrug off the question, per usual, that when he answers your brows actually rise. 

“My dad seems to think so.” He stares down into the grass.

“You don’t have to follow your dad, you know.” 

“You don’t have to follow your mom, either.”

And that throws you off. So badly, in fact, you white knuckle the railing and blink up at him with these doe-like eyes. He’s right- you know it. And he knows you’re right too.

Players, or pawns, of the same game. 

“If I was gonna go somewhere else but home,” You start, tentatively. “I’d go somewhere that’s always warm. Close to the water and not in the middle of some giant city. But, there’s always something to do. And lots of good music.”

“Now you’re talking.” Nathan chuckles, imagines it behind his eyes. "Add a hot tub and consider me in." 

And then you’re imagining it, too. With him.

Quiet mornings, long afternoons into even longer nights. The party would never end, and you’d both stumble home together drunk and fervent. You could do it forever, you think. Which is strange to admit, considering when you’d first met the guy, you had prayed to the heavens above to keep out of his damn way.

But fate had other plans, clearly. 

“You know, I gotta’ ask,” The drunk thoughts are shoving through again, boisterous and overtaking. “The first time we ever talked, at that diner. You remember?”

“...What about it?”

“Why the hell did you come at me like that?”

Nathan raises a brow and leans on his elbow to face you. “Like what?”

“Like- y’know, that!” You giggle. “You scared me so bad with all that watch your back shit.”

“Oh, please,” He rubs his hands against his face and through his hair, flashing those pearly whites of his in a grin, like he sincerely can't believe what he’s hearing. “I scared you? You freaked me the fuck out. I thought you were stalking me!”

“You're paranoid then cause’, I really, really wasn’t.”

“Every time I looked around you were just there.”

You push his arm again. “Maybe you were looking for me. Ever consider that?”

“Sure.” He rolls his eyes, but then his voice falls, just enough to notice. “But... It was like you knew me, or something. Freaked me out.”

“I didn’t know you. Well, I mean, I’d heard stuff, but…” You trail off, chewing at your lip. A fleeting memory of him at that picnic table flashes by. “You know how sometimes you just look at someone and feel a connection?”

Nathan actually laughs at you. “No.”

But you know he's lying. Because you saw it in him.

“Well, I did, okay. And then after that you just started kinda' showing up everywhere. I tried to not interact with you, but then the whole Madison thing happened and, I don’t know.” You’re rambling now, mind racing. “And then the one night you were being chased by the cops and you came into my do-” You gasp, blinking at him. “Oh my god, Nathan! Victoria said you robbed someone!”

Nathan, who had been intently listening to your rambling, leans back and groans at the accusation.

“Not this shit.” He huffs, pressing his palms to his face in despair.

“Yes, this shit, asshole! I can’t believe you stole my clothes after you broke into someone's house! And god, you had so much blood on you, I can’t believe I let you in!”

“You have the survival instincts of a panda.” Nathan snickers. “And I did not rob anyone. It was all my shit, anyways! I didn’t think Fra- Or, the guy, was home.” He clutches to the railing tight, the only indicator that he’s just as drunk as you. “Also, for the record, I did not steal your clothes. You gave them to me.”

“You didn’t really give me a choice.” 

Nathan laughs deep in his chest. “I gave them back! I don’t want your lame ass clothes.”

“Lame ass clothes.” 

“Yeah, lame ass clothes. Normally I wouldn’t touch em’ with a five foot pole.”

“Shut the hell up. Maybe you should start.” You swat his shoulder, laughter leaving you in slurs. That touchiness is starting to resurface, the urge to run your hands up and down his arms or touch away at the hem of his jacket he so expertly wears. “I thought you looked good, at least."

“That’s cause’ I look good in everything. Comes with the package.”

An inch or so closer, you lean in. He mirrors you. 

So when you misstep and stumble, he catches your weight like he’d been expecting it and wraps a firm arm around the low of your waist. 

“Can you get through one party without eating shit?” A high to his tone, a hand pressed to your lower back. 

“Well if I did, that just wouldn’t be me, would it?”

“You,” Nathan shakes his head, with this boyish delighted smile. “You are trashed.”

Your laughter is howling, hands clutching to his jacket. “Isn’t it amazing?”

“Amazing is one way to put it.”

“I can’t believe I thought this shit was overrated.”

“You just haven't partied with the right person.”

“I haven't done a lot of things with the right person.” 

And then he goes and he says something in your ear that makes you feel as though your heart were to combust right in the cage of your ribs. 

“We’ll catch you up.”

Because he is the right person.

You can feel it just as he does, this magnetic push and pull that draws you in so deeply you wonder where you begin and he ends. It’s nothing but sparks, nothing but skirting embers that burn you to the delectable touch. 

You realize that life is so much more with him. Colors, music, fuck, even scents are vibrant in his presence. A sense of life that you’d always wondered about- untamed and unruly. Perfect.

“Y'know, I knew you’d be fun.” He’s talking to himself, but you respond all the same. 

“Not sure how. Despite what you’ve been telling everyone, I am not a partier.” He’s letting you lean your weight against him still, inviting you in, keeping that hand of his pressed to the flat of your lower back. 

“Seems like you’re a partier to me.” 

“Well, I’m not.”

“I think you’re lying to yourself.” Nathan’s laughing when he says it, letting himself lean down ever so slightly.

“Maybe.” You run your thumb over the hem of the Blackwell logo. “I just never thought I’d be here.”

What settles over between the two of you is palpable.

The feeling is almost more intoxicating than the alcohol, this quiet anticipation resting within the palms of your hands and between the slim space of your lips. You could recreate yourself in the reflection of his eyes- something far more perfect than you believed. Something loud and passionate and something that stokes the flames of him. 

His voice is low, beckoning. Lures you in closer.

“Well… Here you are.”

You can’t stop yourself from letting your fingers drag down the fabric of his jacket.

“...Here I am.”

Nathan’s so close you can feel the ghost of his breath over your lips. The hand on your back shifts only to find a path up to the small of your spine, right where he can keep you where he wants you. 

You jump up on your toes to meet fill the gap. 

For just a second, or even less than, you swear feel the softness of his lips against your own. 

His free hand lifts to cup your jaw.

And then-

“Hey you two! You die out here or what?!”

A voice splices a divides between you both, the two of ripping apart to stare at the doorway in bewilderment. The electricity dissipates. The warmth runs cold, and dry.

Hayden leans against the frame with a newly rejunivated solo cup.

Nathan does little more than give him a middle finger, grunting out dickhead under his breath. “We’re fucking talking, dude.”

“Well you can talk inside, dude.” Hayden pushes off the frame and lifts his cup, beaming from ear to ear. “Let’s rage!”

The door slams shut with just as much force as it had opened with. 

The moment, whatever it had been, vanishes into the thin air. But it lingers just enough to feel it- especially when you make his line of sight again and he’s still watching you with these eyes that could pounce.

You hope he does- you’d let it come if he did, but he doesn't.

Stowing your disappointing is a challenge, but it’s hard to really feel down when his arm doesn’t leave your waist. 

It stays there all the way through the gorgeous house, slides away only to lead you down the stairs and then finds its way back home as soon as you’re on level ground. His friends- maybe even your friends now, all cheer when you both return. 

“About time!” Taylor beams. “Here, drink, drink.”

This time you’re being handed a red solo cup of your very own before you can even sit down.

“What is this?” You ask, but you don’t wait for a reply before you’re tipping your head back and taking a fair swig. After drinking pure liquor all evening, this drink is so sweet catches you off guard.

“I dunno’ I kinda' just mixed some Smirnoff and Kool-Aid. Is it good?” She sways in her seat while she answers, long blonde hair shimmering under the light.

"It's fucking awesome." You slur. She cheers her cup with yours and sloppily drinks it all down.

Ashtrays are starting to overflow, countless blunts and cigarettes strewn about the table without rhyme or reason. There may as well have been a hundred shot glasses, alcohol dripped and splattered along the expensive wood, the droplets damn near glowing under the lights shimmering overhead.

There was nothing else except for your friends, except for Nathan, and the blur of dancing bodies and smiling faces.

In your pocket, your phone vibrates, and you clumsily pull it from your pockets. 

you up? i wanna talk 

Lance.

Your eyes roll before you even register it, feeling your mood sour only long enough for Nathan to pluck your phone from your hands.

“Fucking seriously?” He grunts. “Let me guess, kissing your ass?”

Not exactly kissing it, but…” You chew your lip, fighting the uptick of your lips shifting into a smirk. “He's definitely been trying to.”

Nathan clicks out of your messages and opens your camera, and all you can do is giggle when he presses his check against yours. You watch the mirror of yourself on the screen, vibrant and alive.

Nathan gives a signature middle finger and clicks a selfie. 

“Uh oh, not a selfie,” You tease. “Don’t go all hipster on me.”

“Just thought your friends should know who’s really there for you during these trying times.”

Maybe if you were sober you’d have stopped him from sending that photo to Lance. Or maybe, even sober, you’d still feel a pang of joy strike through you when it was read almost instantly.

No response, drags a laugh from your eternal smile. 

“I just know he’s punching the air right now.” You only grin wider.

“Fuck him. And Kaz.”

You fake a gasp. “I’m shocked you remembered her name!”

“I listen. Sometimes.”

“Hey, we taking pics?” Suddenly your phone is fit for the taking, Hayden taking the camera app for a spin. “Alright- Everyone shut up and smile!”

Taylor crouched in front of you. The jock beside her leans to poke his face in, holding his beer up. Nathan holds you just a bit tighter, and you smile wider than you think you’d ever have. The photo clicks and stores into the memory of your phone. 

“Send me that tomorrow.” Taylor slurs as your phone returns to your hands.

“Hell yeah. As soon as I can see straight it’s all yours.”

And she laughs at that so deep in her chest you wonder how you’ve gone so long without anything more genuine. 

You’re not sure how long you stay in that spot, under his arm and laughing away with people you’d never have dreamed of being around. 

You don’t think you can remember a time you’ve laughed this much. 

You don’t think you can remember a time you really felt like you were meant to be there. 

When your phone vibrates again, you’re expecting to see either a message of hurt from Lance or a message of anger from Kaz, but when you check the notification, you’re left stunned.

It must be cosmic, it must be divine intervention. 

Your old best friend from before college. She who walked with the stars in her eyes and a an unwavering gait. The first person you truly looked up to, the first person who truly saw you. She’s uploaded a photo and it's more than gorgeous. A brazen sun painting over green, green grass. Palm trees and a bright blue sky, the ocean in the distance, a city in the horizon. Planted on that soft grass in the forefront, she sits with a sunhat and a yellow dress that pools around her like liquid gold. 

You wonder what she’d think of you if she saw you now. Maybe tomorrow, when you’re sober and high only on memories, you’ll give her a call now that you've got some stories of your own.

But tonight you’re at Nathan’s side, under the limelight of his eyes and under touch of his hands. The music is just right, and you’re reeling with laughter and glee. 

Just as fate had insisted upon you both, perhaps you had also gone so long without just so you could have with him. 

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

okay, this is a genuine attempt to engage, i promise! i'm just too cowardly to go off anonymous. personally, i don't disagree with the core things these people are getting at, even though i really disagree with how they go about it.

it's true the creator of TLOU has drawn from the real-world conflict in gaza. he's on record framing it as like "desperate, conflicted people on both sides" narrative, which i think is fucked up when the reality is there is one side of that conflict that endures greater suffering due to power imbalances, racism, etc. i think that is true. it is my opinion (and obviously does not have to be yours!) that TLOU is deeply flawed in framing a real-world conflict with this “both sides” narrative. and i do agree media like this doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it shapes how people understand real-world power, violence, and oppression. i do wish the fandom made more space to discuss how that potentially reinforces the problem, but they're so incapable of doing it without descending into personal drama. they make it about them and not about wanting to actually talk about this because well... this is tumblr so obviously it's curated af and they can't escape their own egos. anyway, i'm not trying to preach here but i'm genuinely curious like, does that not kind of reframe why some people are like, "this is torture porn?!" perspective?

i think the way those two particular blogs that have been named already are going about this is so immature. they made posts on their blogs calling out behavior rather than directly engage with you because theoretically, even if you were calling them out specifically in your original post, i had no idea that was what was happening until they created a narrative saying so and until they perpetuated the drama with their attention-seeking behavior. like publishing that shit on their blogs and claiming they're trying to have a conversation... anyway... i guess i would like to TRY to have a normal convo about this.

i dont know any of the people who are i guess making sub posts about me. again, ive not been tagged in anything, and i dont go seeking out hate posts about myself so lmao. they can continue to circlejerk.

tell ya what. im going to talk about the CONTEXT and TIMEFRAME of Neil Druckmann's actions bc these things matter and are routinely glossed over by people who would rather water things down so they're easier to digest. In depth, complex discussions that acknowledge grey areas aren't as easy as just screaming "ZIONIST!" at anybody who enjoys TLOU, but here's the former:

most of what I see people parroting is an opinion piece from 2020

here is an article from April of this year that does a decent job at condensing Neil Druckman's comments about Israel and Gaza and TLOU

here is an excerpt I think is worth sharing:

The impetus for Ellie’s trajectory in Part II came from Druckmann seeing footage as a teenager of Israeli soldiers being lynched in the West Bank. He couldn’t shake the fact that there were cheers after such violence. “It was the cheering that was really chilling to me,” Druckmann told the Washington Post in 2020. “In my mind, I thought ‘Oh, man, if I could just push a button and kill all these people that committed this horrible act, I would make them feel the same pain that they inflicted on these people.’” Once that anger subsided, Druckmann said he felt disgusted over his own fury. But that made him think about how humanity processes hatred. “I landed on this emotional idea of, can we, over the course of the game, make you feel this intense hate that is universal in the same way that unconditional love is universal?” 

In a 2023 interview with Haaretz, Druckmann was keen to note that being inspired by something and basing a game on something are two different things. “It was inspired by, not based on,” Druckmann said of The Last of Us Part II and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “That’s a really important nuance, because my inspiration is like my feeling towards a cycle of violence that I’ve experienced as a child growing up in Israel, growing up in the West Bank specifically, coming to the United States and observing it then from the outside, vs. being in it.” “This game deals a lot with tribalism,” Druckmann continued. “Sometimes tribalism on a very large scale, between two groups that are fighting for land—and again, that has obvious similarities to stuff that happens in the West Bank—but sometimes it’s tribalism within its own group…a sense of a group that feels righteous. And when you’re righteous, it’s very easy to diminish another group and say, ‘They are less than me, and I’m correct and they’re wrong, and therefore that gives me permission to inflict violence upon them.” 

It's possible to acknowledge Neil Druckmann's personal experience influencing themes throughout the story without oversimplifying it and deeming the entirety of it as Zionist propaganda. Him leaning into the worst parts of himself/humanity, being disgusted with his ability to lean so easily into that, and wanting to creatively explore it isn't Zionist propaganda. I think where people fail to make the connection in many of these statements is TLOU (both games and first season) was created prior to the events of Oct 7.

(IMPORTANT TO NOTE: this current conflict is another facet of an extensive history of conflict between Israel and Palestine. It's an incredibly chaotic, messy, and violent history that cannot possibly be summed up in this post alone. There is also the history of politics in Palestine itself that I recommend you read about.)

Neil Druckmann was born in 1978, decades into what we now acknowledge as the ongoing conflict. His first real exposure to the violence from the ongoing conflict would most likely be when he was a teen, which is what he references in that "kneejerk reaction" comment. The comments about being inspired by and not basing material on something were in April of 2023.

Now, let's talk about his actions after Oct 7. A few hours after the news broke, he posted an Israeli flag on IG with the caption Israel forever written in Hebrew. A few days after that he posted to twitter about a donation to an Israeli based charity Zaka, who purport themselves to be volunteer rescue and paramedics.

Let's take a minute to talk about Zaka. They have a weird history with questionable actions/leaders across the spectrum. Sometime in the mid 2010s they were given some privileges with United Nations. Zaka immediately started fundraising after Oct 7. A few months later a report came out that exposed the shadiness, purposeful misinformation, and mismanagement of funds by the organization.

Sometime in mid October, Druckmann tweeted about a donation to a Middle Eastern Red Cross humanitarian charity that isn't directly affiliated with any entity involved in the current conflict. The tweet highlighted that Playstation matched his donation, and he was thanking them. This tweet included both the Israeli flag as well as the Palestinian flag.

all this to say....

Surprise, surprise: a guy who spent some of his formative years in Israel has a complicated and oftentimes questionable-leaning-ugly conduct about Palestine.

Water is wet. Demanding that he retroactively apply current circumstances to his past self is not only impossible but also derails legitimate discussion and warranted critique; however, his trajectory is not one I'd readily align with a Zionist.

And bc I know some of you ignorant bitches lack media literacy, I'll make it easy for you:

Fuck Israel and their military state. The Palestinian people deserve freedom and peace, and yes even at times from their own presiding political groups.

catch ya later, Puddles

[theartsyphantom]

☆PINNED POST TIME☆

(we're just gonna ignore that this took me like 4 months to do 😃👍)

Sexuality: Angled Aroace, Asexual, Greyromantic, Lesboy, ect

Gender: Non Binary, Transmasc, Stargender, maybe other xenogenders? (im not sure what ones yet)

Pronouns: they/he/star/crow/il/iel/IDEK ATP

Names: Ezzie (preferred name), Ezrael (long for Ezzie, moots only) (btw all creds for coming up with it go to @ar-guile), Ez (moots only)

Interests: Good Omens, Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Heartstopper, The Mitchells vs the Machines, Stranger Things

Hobbies: Drawing, Piano, Band, Music in general, Graphic Design, making Kandi/friendship bracelets (not the type where you make the knots and it makes some pattern bc I can barely even tie my shoes), Curling, Swimming, Skating, procrastination, and more

Music: Chase Petra, Rabbitology, Yaelokre, Tally Hall, The Linda Lindas, Ricky Montgomery, Lemon Demon, Will Wood, Flawed Mangoes, Marina and The Diamonds, Ghost and Pals, Kacey Musgraves, Bo Burnham, TV Girl, Cigarettes After Sex, whatsaheart, Ghost, The Neighborhood, Taylor Swift, Mitski, Chappell Roan, Franz Ferdinand, Evanescence

Also music but (ik) the artist is problematic: Mr Kitty (but don't listen to his music in a way that directly supports him he touches kids and he's a groomer 🤮🤮 I'd recommend unofficial lyric vids - if those even exist - I literally dropped listening to anything of his after I found out so idk) (also my fave by him is glow but it is very obviously about committing suicide/wanting to commit suicide so be warned about that)

DNI: Homophobics, Racists, Sexists, anyone with THAT kind of 18+ account, non minors, Trump Supporters, Pedophiles, Ableists, Pro Life, Flat-Earthers, Zoophiles, Pro Israel, Fatphobics (im fat irl so if you have a problem with that then leave), and anyone else listed as DNI in my caption <3

Personality type: INFP-T

Likes: Pasta, the smell of rain, snow, walking in the rain, my friends, my best friends, my girlfriend, chemistry, science in general, music, maths, French, piano, daydreaming, sleeping in, warm blankets, cinnamon rolls, bread, patterned socks, doc Martin's, combat boots, thrifting, chunky jewelry, learning new things, seeing new places, band, falling in love platonically with my friends, the smell of wood smoke, earth tones, sage green, sunsets, rainy days in the middle of summer, a warm breeze

Dislikes: big crowds, being around large groups of people for too long, disassociating, derealization, global warming, climate change, closed minded people, catcalling, the texture of meat, any remotely gelatinous texture, the sound and feel and gritting/scratching, itchy tags in clothes, people who are mean just because, bullying, people who say slurs and shrug it off by saying "but I have a pass", creeps, the smell of cigarettes, fluorescent lights

Other: diagnosed ADHD, Anxiety, some childhood trauma, definitely undiagnosed Depression, probably C-PTSD, OCD, and maybe autism(?) and BPD, certified weird kid, bilingual (English and French), I also hate myself but like that's kind of a downer, burned out gifted kid syndrome, and probably more that I'm forgetting

Fandoms: Good Omens, Stranger Things, anything LGBTQ+, kinda Scott Pilgrim, probably some I'm forgetting 💀

I'll try and edit it if/when anything changes or if I forgot something (im sure I did) :3

Love you all <3333 The☆Artsy☆Phantom

[hebuiltfive]

Little rant and brain dump post re: mental health + anxiety* under the cut bc this is one of my only safe spaces to do this (and I think it'll help to just go blaaaaahhhhh into this data ether.) * will try to tag for triggers but I keep seeing conflicting posts about how to do those sort of tags so I'm sorry if it's wrong

Normal programming will resume after this short break. Going to make that one the tag for all future brain dump posts I think.

This time next week I'll have made another big, scary step towards "getting better" (which is typed liked that because I hate that phrase) but I don't know how I'm going to cope or what I'm going to be like on the other side of it.

I'm hoping I'm just overthinking (as usual) but what if it kinda breaks me? I don't think it would; nothing so far has, so why would this be different? I think it's just the anxiety trying to play mind games, but it's still really exhausting and is sucking up any excitement I might have which isn't fun.

I am still excited for everything that could come with this, and I know that it will be a safe place but... I'm still questioning whether I'm ready. Which is ridiculous - I'll never be "ready". I can't even say "prepared" because I've had 5 weeks (incl. this upcoming week) to get myself mentally psyched up, so I'm definitely that.

The worst thing is I don't even feel like I can properly talk about it because it is so trivial (hence the rant and brain dump post - at least I can get this out of my system). I've written down everything that's making me feel anxious about next weekend, and it does help to visualise the words, but it also helps reinforce the idea that it's all dumb and that I should just get over it. It's been 5 years (of this really bad stint); 10 since I was diagnosed; 15+ since it began being a problem for me.

I'm just tired, at this point. Tired of not being able to just do the things that used to bring me joy without either hating every second because ✨lurking panic✨, or because it kills me off mentally (sometimes physically) for about a week or two afterwards.

I have this little picture of little me by my bed. She's been there since I did therapy 4 years ago. I put her there so I could do some inner child work but now I look at her and just think how badly I'm letting her down. She had such hope and promise for the future and I feel like I fucked it up so badly.

[weresomedude]

dude, he/him n he/himb, trans man, late 30s, headmate in a system (he/himb is pronounced just like he him, its like the silent b in bomb but the set goes he/himb/his/his/himbself)

werewolf...kin? therian? dont quite jive with those labels, but im somethin like that. i do like and use the terms transspecies, alterhuman, and lycanthrope 2 describe my experience

im not new 2 the otherkin community but me being a werewolf is tangentially related 2 that at best 4 me personally (and while ive had many run ins with psychosis, its not clinical lycanthropy either)

im makin this blog 4 myself and also 2 accompany a friend of mine who has a somewhat similar experience 2 me

i will post abt my experience 4 the most part, which may include some tmi stuff and even some things my dear friend-oh-pal wont relate 2, but i figure whats the harm it also pointed out 2 me that many posters in the werewolfkin and similar tags/spaces are just wolves who relate 2 their humanity still n consider the duality as being a werewolf or werewolves whose wolf forms are similar/comparable 2 that of traditional earthen wolves (whether that be in instincts or appearance). both of these are obviously valid, but seemingly take up all of the space allotted 4... any other kind of werewolf out there, like ones me n my friend could actually potentially relate 2. so were bein the change we wanna see in this world

despite this id not being 'kin, ill use werewolf kin tags on my posts bc there could be someone more like us out there who is kin or looking in the kin tags that needs 2 see this variety in the experience

im not a wolf. im a human that should be able 2 transform into a wolfman. not a wolf. a werewolf. a wolfman. i would be bipedal and human like in shape, but larger than any human or wolf, with wolf features and fur n etc. (think skyrim werewolves and then about double the size). in theory i would be able 2 go on all fours, but that is an ability. its important 2 emphasize that i would be bipedal as a default bein a werewolf affects my mannerisms, ability 2 think straight, n my overall daily life, especially with the phases of the moon itself or other special phenomena (like certain weather conditions, placement/movement of the planets and stars, extreme emotion, etc) and like any human condition/affliction, sometimes at random

i do actually happen 2 be a dog as well (this identity IS 'kin) so the overlap in doggy n werewolf arent as big of a deal 2 me, and caused me 2 not really notice the lack of human-turns-2-wolfman werewolf content on this site before. but like stated earlier, i wanna contribute 2 changin that a lil bit

DO NOT CALL ME PUPPY. its uncomfy 4 me n i hate it. im a grown man. other cutesy names including variations on the word puppy (besides oupy/uppy) like "duppy" or "buppy"/"bupper" are ok but i would really prefer anything else if ur gonna use cutesy words on me (try "doggy"/"goggy" or "wolp" or something idk)

also this isnt suuuuper very important at all but, while im not taken per se, im not lookin 4 anyone rn. so sorry if ur a werewolf fucker or whatever but i will not rlly lean into that 4 anyone. i also am not interested in usin words like "mate" or "pack" bc thats more of a regular wolf thing imo and ime

(werewolfkin flag by @selfawere jbtw)

[bitchlessdino]

Get to Know Me!

technically tagged by @gyubakeries <3 (tiya ily you're so sweet always)

what's the origin of your blog title? 💘I was originally known as underratedlovedone and wanted a brand change so i did a whole fuckass poll on google forms (pre-tumblr polls btw) and that was so fun. I believe a mutual suggested this name and im sorry but rn their name escapes me. I was almost dildodino....

favorite fandoms: 💘I ult seventeen, that's obvious, got7, and recently yall have seen i've been getting into l0ve and d3ep spac3 (its a fucking problem and I’m not ready to be found yet), but otherwise what else hmmm, I'm a pretty causal listener to most of the rest kpop/krnb. smosh is fun, i love a good laugh, i think half my humor is svt other half from them or smth like that. i get so addicted to things and move on so quicky i'm trying hard to remember rn.

OTP(s)/shipname: 💘These are ship dynamics i absolutely love. Not romantic for obvious reasons. Wonchan, Boochan, Boogyu. it's hard bc i really love group dynamics, like 2+. SVT is so perfect for that actually. and really my ships are usually whatever is my current obsession at the time

favorite color: 💘light blue but specifically, #8AA7CC. it's called polo blue for some reason idk. but this was actually very close to the blue i had for my wedding and its so pretty.

favorite game: 💘I played persona 3:overload for MONTHS, my husband would literally see my gremlin ass at the tv with my controller grinding tf in those dungeons. I'm also a sims enjoyer, l0ve and d3epspac3 again lol, gta6 when it finally fucking comes out gdi rockstar

song stuck in your head: 💘the love and deepspace intro.....its hauntingly beautiful it actually scares me a little. And "if you leave me" by svt is my comfort song rn

weirdest habit/trait? 💘uhhhhh. I pick up on people's speech patterns all the time. Its how i was able to semi-learn some languages or accents. One time i was on a work call with a client that was from Alabama and maybe bc i'm from the south but i started to actually mimic her subconsciously. to this day i hope i didnt offend her or anything. you'll also learn that i'll yap alot reading this. and 'lol' or 'like' and unhealthy amount and i hate that.

hobbies: 💘I write a lot on my own time, i just sometimes don't post it bc its often incomplete or not fully-fledged. I also read, which i need to get back into bc my tbr is long asf. I sing but not as much as i used to. I also cook. sometimes game. Kdramas, anime whatever it’s ongoing at that moment anyways. I enjoy my free time.

if you work, what's your profession? 💘bro when i was working, it was at a bank as a business analyst, sounds impressive, it wasn't. but i miss the steady income

if you could have any job you wish, what would it be? 💘 honest to god, i'd love to go back at tell my younger self to seriously try to get into acting. or film and its production/writing. It wasn't until adulthood that i realized i wanted to work in a creative environment but forgoed for 'realistic careers.' this may be your 4th, 5th, 36th life guys take a chance. there's an AU me out there there that pursued everything I wished for and I wish I was them.

something you're good at: 💘I would also love to know. but i think I'm funny sometimes and a little witty. sometimes i have to stop myself before i say some dumb shit tho, so i spit all that nonsense into my writing.

something you're bad at: 💘most things, especially pushing myself to my full potential. i know i hold myself back a lot. like i keep saying i'll write a book and publish will always have an excuse not to. not deep answer: i cant ride a bike and i refuse to. i just have no balance and i can barely stand straight ngl. and most physical games bc i am feeble i would not survive a zombie apocalypse

something you love: 💘food god i love food. and milk tea or boba tea drinks in general, call me a basic asian idc 💘human interactions but not including me but like people watching, i enjoy seeing a relationship grow and flourish overtime idk such a cute human things. i like to see the humanity in people. 💘the cats in my parents' neighborhood that have made ours and the neighbors across from us lawns pretty much their territory. a whole kitty gang. 💘and days that give me a good reason to put on a cute outfit, and do my hair and makeup. i'm at home a lot so those days are kinda special to me. I'm bare face 98% of the time.

something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: 💘seventeen or in general the 2nd-3rd gen kpop lore, that was my shit. I loved those days with the exception of some things. Oh, and the plots i have going on in my head and the characters i have in mind, building them is so fun to me.

something you hate: 💘 things that don't make sense. ok, i hate on a lot of things and a lot of things don't make sense or they are just an entity they cant help it, but how people let history repeat themselves or events occur knowing fully what's going on. it's just insane. things that don't make sense, i cant help but be frustrated. Also like all of twitter/x and its existence and what it’s brought out in people

something you collect: 💘svt albums but not sm recently, stuffed animals from a couple claw machine places in my area's chinatown, my old peoples meds bc im deteriorating at an accelerated pace, things on my tbr or to watchlist

something you forget: 💘most things like errands, which is why i gotta write in my little iphone notes. where i place my phone bc i don't look where i throw and im screaming for siri in my room to find it. sometimes things i enjoy until i rediscover it one day and that's kinda the best feeling ever like "wow i remember i loved you welcome back"

what's your love language?: 💘word of affirmation and good banter, but not just straight up teasing that gets so old, i want real tension that's just like. "yeah, I thought about you. is that a problem?" OR "So you think I'm hot? "Yeah, but you're still annoying."

favorite movie/show: 💘 I dont know if i have a favorite movie i am always changing my mind about what's good out there, but my favorite show ever is this Kdrama called "Moving" It's beautiful and i loved every side story even the adults like it was so beautifully curated. i still think about it a lot and am waiting for a second season.

favorite food: 💘banh mi, korean fried chicken, and sashimiiiii omg i could just go ham on either one right about now.

favorite animal: 💘cats and dogs <3, basic ass answer but i havent felt super drawn to a specific animal. Maybe a panda bc they're such a mood. ykw a panda they are something else everytime i hear about a report of them

are you musical? 💘I've sang since i could breathe. i vividly remember my younger self getting my parents to call the viet radio so i could sing on there live (this theatric bitch). I was in choir in my teens, and i for a moment learned viola but not so much anymore.

what were you like as a child? 💘annoying no doubt, and so much more carefree than adult me. like she did not give a single fuck and people liked that about her. i miss her.

favorite subject at school? 💘debate! it got me into public speaking and interpretive performance. I really enjoyed growing a voice from learning how to not only build and refute arguments, but it got me to practice my acting chops a little like i wanted to when i was little

least favorite subject? 💘math, unfortunately i was awful and did not pay attention so i kept messing up formulas. that was my fault tho

what's your best character trait? 💘i don't like saying it but my empathy? I've been told that that's how often i respond to most situations and often give people benefit of the doubt. i just never want to assume whatever is going in someone's life bc we really have no fucking clue.

what's your worst character trait? 💘honestly too much of a people pleaser or rule follower sometimes. i let my moral compass rule over most of my decisions and that's not particularly bad but that's how i'm often holding myself back i fear

if you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be? 💘 i should have not eaten that pack of buldak ramen bc that was not good for my stomach. i need a real balanced meal especially after what i was told at my doctor's apt.

if you could travel in time who would you like to meet? 💘idk if i want to change any big part of history, that is not something i could leave on my conscious if it blows up the world, but i'd like to visit my younger self that its okay to mess up and really go for things bc she can be so much more if she tried.

recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love): 💘i reallu want to read more but this one is and always one my mind: between you and me by my bb @haologram. it's just so good like shut up and and put this my man in my mo-

Anyways tagging anyone that wants to play!

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[uriekukistan]

ur one of the only ppl i follow that i know likes tokyo ghoul, and i just started reading it for the first time! (friends tried 2 get me into it when i was younger via the anime but i did Not Wanna so this is actually my first real read of it) i just started tg:re, so i have been Dying to talk abt it with somebody.. if u dont mind, who are ur faves? :3

omg im glad you did not watch the anime actually. the manga is infinitely better 🙏 okay this is not the place for me to rant against the anime let me move on before i get carried away

my number one fav and ofc the namesake of my url is urie <3 idk how far into :re you've gotten but i think he's like. the first to get introduced if im remembering correctly? but you might not get the vision Yet depending on how far you've read, but i just love an angry lil guy w daddy issues who cant express his emotions properly <3 no personal reasons for that at all.............his growth ends up being really nice too you'll see you'll see

another brand of character i like is the guy who can't stand coming in second in anything but always does, and has a one sided beef with the person who beats them every single time, so i also love takizawa. i don't wanna say too much abt him bc i don't wanna spoil the fun for you but he ends up having a really cool arc too

im realizing as i type this out most of my favs are either from :re alone, or get the majority of their development in :re im really trying to hold my tongue so bad rn,,,,,,,

idk if you've met saiko yet? she spends the entire first volume of :re asleep lmaoooo but she's great. i love how she's a character that stands for kindness in a world full of hate and different groups trying to kill each other all the time

recently i've come to appreciate eto more as well, i dont think i liked her much at first, but one of my tg mutuals is a big eto fan and i think that's helped me appreciate her more. also bc said mutual rbs all the posts i rb thinking "oh this post is so me" and adds the eto tag......okay maybe i am like her. also again with the daddy issues characters good lord pls pay that no mind,,,,,,,

cutting myself off after this one but i love both of the kirishima siblings :3 touka is so cool, and i love how her rough exterior hides how gentle and emotional she really is. i love characters like that. and ayato, he's so snarky and fun, but again, his roughness hides how much he cares. i don't think this qualifies as a spoiler (i mean it gets confirmed in :re, but i feel like it was implied in the first half of the series), but after touka kills those doves in retaliation for killing hinami's mom, ayato starts killing doves too, because he also has a rabbit mask, to detract attention from his sister.....so it ties that first incident to him rather than her :')

UGHIDGF i love tokyo ghoul so much, but i barely talk abt it anymore sorry to my tg mutuals :') pls come ask abt it anytime im happy to discuss !! glad you're liking it so far tho ! do u have any favs yet? i'd love to hear more of your thoughts :3

[yanderefarm]

Tbh, always kinda weird to me when girls request things from accounts that are explicitly for boys. Like, I am alwas on a constant search for tasty top male reader accounts so I am well aware of how hard it is to find content, then I see ppl requesting like "What if uwu girl instead?". Not like that specific person was being that way, but like, I always think to myself, what about this post about a man and his wife(who is also a man) made you think of straight ppl?

This feels very rude, I don't mean it rude at the girl anon, she has yet to do anything clearly deserving of rudeness, just something I've seen too many times.

I just wanna be able to shake the little gays in my head around. Tbf, I am panromantic I just always get spooked at the mere implication of a f!reader(probably cuz of dysphoria).

-🪼

nah i totally get it!! yeah I don't want to be rude either. i really don't care what adult follows me.

ive gotten a few asks from people who like obviously didn't really read my rules or understand what my blog was.

there were these asks a while ago and I think i ended up deleting most of them bc I didn't like the vibe. they were all about babies. like baby fever, having babies, etc. and the vibe to me was that they had probably only found my blog through my baby trapping post with the wrong idea about what that post was about and all of these asks were for f!reader.

i answered one and its the one where i confess that i hate the idea of having children and write about how ares would try to murder his kids for the first time dbjsbsj and then after awkwardly finishing it i went back and deleted the rest bc yeah.

nothing against that person!!! just those asks gave me bad vibes.

but like yeah whenever i get the vibe an ask is for f!reader i get a weird vibe. ik all my characters aren't gonna get any f!reader content but there's literally so much out there. if you want more yandere blogs literally just search the tags. i don't know of another specifically yandere blog that is also exclusively male reader.

its actually really funny to me how like a lot of fem reader blogs will also kinda act like they're gender neutral and then you see male reader blogs desperately fighting to be like "MEN ONLY"

ask any of the yandere blogs " would ur characters be ok with a male reader 🥺" and they'll basically be like "oh yeah!! sure!! they love you no matter what gender you are" but in such an afterthought way

THATS NOT MEANT TO BE SHADE I STILL LOVE THEM AND FOLLOW THEM RELIGIOUSLY

its just like to illustrate the point ig?? we are out here fighting for our lives for content so it does always feel weird to have people either assume its f!reader or ask for f!reader. like honey ily let me get u a link to someone else u can ask.

[jaychrilo1144]

Ramble post 982373972

Topic: Attachment styles

I feel that people with avoidant attachment styles get more flack than deserved, but even though I see both sides of the coin, I know that I am biased in my answer as ik I'm fearful avoidant. I just always see an excessive amount of slander for avoidant than I do for anxious, at least to me it's excessive. Let's dissect that.

There are different attachment styles which are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, and for this essay I will mainly be talking about anxious and avoidant.

Attachment styles develop from childhood which is largely out of anyone control. However, I feel like if you recognize your attachment style and understand how it negatively impacts ur relationship to others, then (here’s the key) do things to ACTIVELY work on it so that you can be a better friend, partner, and/or person to there and yourself then that should mean something.

This goes for all the different attachment styles. I hear stories of “omg I dated an avoidant and I tried to get them to open up and they just ghosted me after months of talking” or “I hated when my partner would be jealous and clingy, it felt too co-dependent.” I see the hate people give to avoidant all the time- which granted ghosting is wrong and yes in a relationship of any kind there should be some vulnerability and intimacy that does not result in shutting down and or running away- but I personally see a lot of that hate coming from those who have anxious attachment styles- which avoidant x anxious attachment relationships can be a rollercoaster without good communication.

I'm not saying that avoidant is better than anxious, if that's how I'm coming off. I'm saying that they are both equally not great and both require a lot of communication ( laughing at how ironic that is as an avoidant) and understanding in their own relationships. With that being said!

Both situations actions are not excusable. I think that attachment styles serve as a means of describing why someone is and acts the way they do, but it does NOT serve as an excuse.

Example. I know I'm fearful avoidant. I know that when things get real- both in relationships and friendships, I panic and I run because of past situations and events in childhood. It's a coping mechanism, a survival technique. But as we grow older it's important to recognize that tools that were used as a means for survival in your childhood years no longer serve you in your adult years. Which is why Im trying to reteach myself to be more open and receiving to people who enter my life.

Not everyone that enters your life is going to have the same intentions or do the same things that other people who have hurt you in the past have done. And it's easier to say than take to heart, I understand that. My trust issues want to laugh in the face of the statement, but it's true.

Anyway, scrolling back, I want to re emphasize a big point. Don’t dismiss ppl immediately bc of their attachment styles, but instead look at the actions and reactions of that person. Do they recognize their attachment or behaviors that follow them? And if so, are they doing anything to try and work on them for themselves first and for others? We’re all human in the end, none of us are perfect or above another, but I truly think that actively working on those things when recognized speaks volume about a person. And making actual progress! Not just saying your working on it, then falling back, saying ur working on it, then not doing anything to actually work on it.

Also understanding that progress isn’t linear. Again, we’re human. What is learning to be human without failure? But then getting up, dusting off, trying again anyway for yourself and others?

This isn’t just with attachment styles though, it can be with anything really.

Anyway, I may have veered from my point, or made it, idk, but if you stayed , thanks for listening to my 982373972nd Ted talk :)

(Pls read tags)

[alma-amentet]

OK, I think I'm officially done.

Last two days were awful. I'm mentally shattered and exhausted. Was getting better from prev time, but then... Yesterday I was just a click away from blocking a person, but in the end decided to hold. Blocked a tag instead, that was it (lrb, yeah).

So today she blocked me herself. I don't blame anyone (trying to not be hard on myself... bc yeah I tend to blame myself first thing. Hope this post doesn't add nails to my coffin lid, I'm just trying to speak abt my POV and not make it worse). It was 1:1, cultist 🤝 d*ckrider.

Yet still feel very bitter. We were nice and supportive in the past, that was the reason I hesitated, but recently it was only triggering. I nearly cried bc of her posts not once! Tried to be understanding, yet couldn't stop taking it personally. We had several talks, it wasn't helping. I know it's my own problem. My bad is that I haven't taken measures earlier (like explaining everything and parting peacefully). I too didn't want to loose nice moots... Even if it's obviously no longer nice. I'm not some vile toxic bitch (or stupid paladin hell yeah), you know, I have feelings, too. And everyone makes mistakes.

Maybe all for good. In the end, still hard.

The thing is I reblogged another post from a person she's had troubles with, she took it personally. OK that one was really too harsh, but then, me seeing all those posts about stupid brainwashed Miquella cultists day by day felt no different. I actually did a repost while still half asleep, maybe it was my subconscious reply to what was yesterday.

Guess I just happened to be on the wrong side, with people who did her wrong. They did nothing to me, I wasn't going to take sides at all (like discussing people behind their backs, bullying and such). Interacting with them really helps easing my frustration over the DLC, while trying to find sense in it really doesn't. I lost all that sense.

I totally don't judge people who keep doing it, even envious to some point. Would like just to stay dwelling peacefully in AUs, fixes and pre-DLC lore bc not ready to ditch this interest (actually now even afraid it may die with all this turmoil). Hate is not an option, but to me, all that 'disco horse' was also not easy to take, no better than people it was judging.

So yeah, all for good in the end. 1:1, like I said.

As for that reblog. I did it bc yeah, venting and ranting is my way of coping. It really helps. To feel not alone, to relieve the stress. Yet I never adrresed of called names anyone myself. And then... I explained enough already: was half asleep and really pissed off by previous day's stuff on my dash which happened not even once, that's it.

[borom1r]

Do you want to answer this question about Boromir for me?

What was Boromir's relationship like with his maternal uncle Imrahil?

It's okay if you don't! Maybe this one will interest you more:

What is Boromir's pet peeve?

Bye!

HI I will always answer Boromir asks!!!!! I think I have some posts floating around somewhere (my tagging system is an inconsistent ✨nightmare✨) but I’ve always held true that Gondorian culture mirrors Medieval/Renaissance Noble Culture, so as young nobility Boromir would’ve been sent to serve as Imrahil’s squire (and Faramir as well)

as such I think he has a genuinely very strong relationship with Imrahil! I think he probably had a tendency to be overly serious when Faramir wasn’t around (lots of expectations on his shoulders even as a boy), so I imagine it took a bit for him to warm up to Imrahil. I also think he has this sort of expectation of the other shoe dropping— “he’s nice to me, but will he treat Fara the same way father does?”

+ then ofc Faramir comes to Imrahil’s court when he turns seven to serve as his squire as well and Imrahil is nothing but kind to Faramir too, which I think would be when Boromir kind of breathes that sigh of relief and allows himself to relax around Imrahil. — and like, I also love Imrahil being just genuinely kind and caring to both the brothers, because I love to torment Faramir, and I have my own Complex Parental Issues + see a lot of Denethor in my own Nightmare Parent. (hell world.) It is truly genuinely awful to hear “they love you even though it seems like they hate you, just give them time, they’ll recognize it in the end” when you know what a parent’s love should ACTUALLY feel like from someone else. Parents Be Normal Challenge: Impossible.

anyways generally speaking a squire would finish out their training and become a fully-minted knight at 21– I suspect Boromir would’ve been called back to Minas Tirith around age 19, and I do think he kept up a correspondence with his uncle. At first to get reports about Faramir (because gods know Denethor is. Well.) and then just to genuinely stay in touch with the man. I think Boromir makes a point to come visit Faramir and his uncle + cousins when Lothíriel is born.

also, I talk about this in the costuming document but there’s such an interesting element to Denethor’s costuming of like, mirroring the brothers’ motifs but More. Grander, More Intricate, Richer. It’s easy to overlook bc so much of his clothing is black but even that: true black fabric was EXCEEDINGLY expensive, never mind the sorts of intricate weaves and things like his scabbard and full length hauberk. like such a key visual element to Denethor is literally just Showing His Sons Up. and im insane about it, truly, but imagine growing up being in competition with your own father in this really insidious, subtle way. You’re the Golden Son, the measuring stick by which Faramir fails, you’re held on this pedestal and Yet. your father is always Better Than You. Your successes are not your own, they are his (but your failures? oh, those are all yours).

yet then there’s Imrahil. who loves Boromir because Boromir is his nephew and that is enough. who would love Boromir whether he succeeded or failed, because at least Boromir is trying. argh. I don’t think Boromir shows it well but I do think Imrahil means a lot to him, and was a fundamental influence on him and how he treats others. not to say Boromir would be unkind without Imrahil’s influence, but rather that he probably wouldn’t be quite as well-adjusted lmao

anyways, as for pet peeves..

I don’t think there’s a looooot that actually bothers him? I think it would more be a breaking of routine. it’s sth I’ve touched on in one of my fics (as sth instilled in him by Imrahil, actually! + it’s sth I myself picked up from my dad lol), but I think when he gets the chance to sleep in a bed he makes it perfectly each morning. and I think there are other little rituals he follows carefully. packing his bedroll properly if he’s on the move, caring for his blade and other equipment, washing up as best he can. I think as long as he can keep up with his own little rituals he can let most things roll off his back.

I also think if he does get snappy, once he’s returned to his like, baseline level of routine he’s the first to go “wow I was acting like an idiot, that was a stupid thing to be annoyed about” and apologize. The man has one younger brother by blood and three younger cousins all born while he was serving as Imrahil’s squire, so I think his tolerance level for Annoying Gremlin Shenanigans is very high most of the time. just don’t interrupt his routines lmao

[lobslobslobs]

* what is this "lobs" thing anyways?

* lob notes :

(this part's gunna be in 3rd person cuz why the hell not)

- goes by lobs or many other names like pipo and spacy and tiktik and ana and fris ... most commonly called lobs though

- ALL PRONOUNS (it/its always safe!) (also likes when people switch the pronouns up very often instead of sticking to one) . gender: ???

- loooves all dehumanizing terms (playful ones at least) . Call it critter call it creature call it shiny thing in the grass call it studyable call it beyond your comprehension its all fine and good!

- otherkin , with a bunch of kintypes! !! world's most NOT human

- lists of all those can be found at its pronouns.cc :3c

- super duper autistic :o3

- polish , sail also (mainly) speaks english (like way more than polish) and is trying to learn japanese and spanish (+ is learning german bc of school)

- did you know a sloop is a type of sailboat ? a dinghy too, and a schooner . my favoritr sailboat model is the aqua cat 12 and thats a catamaran! Neat! (I was wrong earlier(

* lob interests :

(i have a whole load of interests (which you can see at my carrd's interests tab ) but you may find me posting about...:)

- 31 minutos

- corru.observer

- awful hospital

- deltarune

- naomi iwata media (most interested in midnight horror school and obake zukan)

- indie games (such as rain world or rhythm doctor or anything else i get my little lobster claws on)

- animal crossing

- cocotama

- shizuku-chan

- tamagotchi (im more knowledgable on the anime series but i love the devices just as much)

- bobobo-bo bo-bobo

- pikmin

- regretevator

- rhythm heaven

- warioware

- precure (star twinkle specifically , for now)

- sanrio ( sugarbunnies and beatcats and jewelpet and keroppi and usahana and jochum)

- dumb ways to die

* lob tags :

(tags i started)

- "#lobsyverse" is for anything relating to my weird little main oc world, you can check out . what they look like for now over on my toyhouse (this links specifically to the lobsyverse folder!!!), and you can read the worldbuilding lore thing doc !

- "#tony & the dragon's hoard" is another oc world ! a much smaller one , abt a . silly knight on a quest to slay a dragon and retrieve its treasure for his Unspecified Kingdom . hes also supervised by a creature called moni . toyhouse jumpscare ! Also this world has its very own sideblog !

- "#rotten water" is also an oc world ... i'll update this if i figure out basic details abt it. Normal Office (Totally)

- "#neighboar au" is for my (welcome to raven brooks) hello neighbor au where everything is mostly the same except everyone is animals .I made it Because i Hate Drawing Humans . name derived from the fact that i made mr peterson a boar

- "#7 maestros au" is my sugarbunnies au where i halve the sugarbunnies by fusing them . uh . thats all for now

- "#rain world convergence au" is my rain world au in which a time-manipulating slugcat(?) called the timehopper messes with the canon timeline and mashes it together so spearmaster and saint's campaigns are happening at the same time and shenanigans and confusion ensue

- "#awful rain au" is an awful hospital x rain world crossover au! i am still cooking here but tldr the plank maze connects rain world to The Hospital and Shit Hits The Fan

- "#31m zoo au" is my 31 minutos au where i make the animals Actual Animals but they still work for tv bc eusebio wanted to do something crazy and unique . and juanin is a zookeeper . (?)

- "#lob prattle" is for any posts where i am Just Talking About Anything On My Brain . Thats all its just a funsy tag for rambling and funsies

- "#lobsryblogs" is just a reblog tag . mainly for filtering

- "#lobSELFblogs" is a SELF-reblog tag . not an acronym its just when i rb myself

- "#lobc : [character name]" is just like . yknow how theres character tags for fandoms . these r character tags for my ocs , lobsyverse or not ! (excluding the creature for some reason) (that reason being the fact that the creature is Me)

- "#obligatory [something] reblog" is a tag i make up on the fly when i reblog things i like . lol

* lob questions :

(so you dont have to ask these specifically)

"can i draw your ocs/designs ?" YES YES YES !!!! TAG ME SO I CAN REBLOG IT TOO RAHHHHH

"can i send you asks?" GO RIGHT AHEAD!!! Just .. know that i might not respond to ones that are simply "hey youre cool" ..... questions questions please ! they can b anything from questions abt my ocs to my opinions to Idk anything else you ask people abt

"is it ok if i like / reblog spam your posts?" don't worry abt it :o) i have notifs off on my devices anyway so i wouldnt Hear it

"can i use your art as a pfp / banner (on tumblr or somewhere else)?" yaya sure! just remember to credit me (something as simple as "pfp : lobS" works fur me !!!)

(more might b added later!)

* more information: my carrd , or my strawpage

* one more thing !!! don't feel forced to reblog my art, cuz i post it here to be enjoyed , not necessarily to be seen by as many people as possible! likes = reblogs to me

[seanwinchester]

20 Fanfic Author Questions

oh boy, thank you @quietwingsinthesky for the tag <3 this ought to be quick (and unentertaining) as I've only ever written a handful of fic, but here we go

1. How many works on AO3?

only 2 for now. I've got a couple more drabbles on my tumblr but that's it

2. Total AO3 Word Count?

1,843 (maybe one day I'll manage to write sth longer than 1,5k... dare I say even reach 5k? one can only hope)

3. Top 5 2 fics by Kudos

Brother? Brother. has more kudos than you're an angel, i'm a dog for less hits, which I suspect has something to do with the difference in filthiness level (lol)

4. What fandoms do you write for?

Spn/spn rpf only (though I've had ideas for other media, I've just never been passionate enough about those to write them)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do! (it's not like I get thousands of them lol)

6. Angstiest Ending?

well between the two, definitely you're an angel, i'm a dog

7. Fic with the Happiest Ending?

... the other one. though both of these are one shots/single scenes and not full stories, so there's no real beginning nor end

8. Do you get hate?

not famous enough to <3

9. Do you write smut?

yep, one if not both of these are smut, and I've got a couple more smutty wips on the stove

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven't yet but I've thought about it. I told @liamgallaghermpreg about a spn x shameless crossover idea once, and a couple years ago I wanted to write a spn x twilight crack fic but I never got around to finish it. I'm rewatching gilmore girls currently though, so that might be something fun to explore :)

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but as I am a translator myself, I did think about translating my own fics. The only problem is... that writing smut in french feels awkward af lmao. I can't do it Also spn is just so American™ in my head that I can't think of them speaking french. It's too weird

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I haven't, but I'm open to try it if the opportunity arises

14. All time favourite ship?

you already know it, wincest my beloved <3. j2 is a very close second though

15. WIPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have plenty of doomed wips on my phone and laptop but I've only ever posted finished stuff for now, so no publicly available ones

16. Writing strengths?

I think my dialogue is alright, or at least it's getting there (it really depends from fic to fic)

17. Writing Weaknesses?

intricate descriptions and emotions in english. It's like I always forget every word I know and suddenly I'm googling shit like "expressions for sad", "words to describe light", "how do you say [insert french word] in english" (> and I end up not liking how the equivalent sounds so I have to find another way to say the thing). a nightmare I'm telling u

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

not against it on principle, but it has to be done right. I probably wouldn't try to pull it off in a language I can't speak. I only remember reading one fic with mixed french and english dialogue and it felt weird and unatural bc the author clearly didn't speak french, and the words they chose to translate wouldn't necessarily be the kind of words french people would say in their native language when speaking english.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Spn, my one and only <3

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

I was pretty proud of you're an angel, i'm a dog when I posted it, I think some lines in it are great, and it features a kink I've wanted to explore for a long time. Though I think my best fic is one I haven't finished yet

I really don't know who to tag for this lol. let's go with @liamgallaghermpreg, @according2thelore, @hellhoundlair, @allthebestcowboyshavedaddyissues, @spnyuri, @schizosamwincester and as usual whoever else wants to! took me so long to answer all these questions but it was fun and i'm curious to see what the mutuals have to say hehe