#truly useless posts other than letting my thoughts out through journalling

[dewydemon]

i miss certain ppl and i often find myself wondering if engaging in reminiscing is unhealthy or if denying myself reflection is

existing in the past has an obvious danger because it can deny us the present, but i think equally cutting the past off can be harmful. sometimes delving into the past can serve a purpose in the present even if that purpose is not clear outside of a deep primordial longing in the pit of my monkey stomach to do so

i dont know what the answer is or if there is one. im not sure if reminiscence is healthy or unhealthy. probably and rather obviously both. i think it can be a source of learning and an addictive form of self harm

[vaire-gwir]

I’ve run out of my words

Post-mountain incident, Jaskier is a heart broken mess. The last thing he needs is an unexpected visit from Geralt. 

I have accepted that it’s never going to be the same amount of words as I Find you all Unwoven, cause I re-wrote this three times and it just doesn’t happen.

Again, I was sad, that’s my excuse. English is not my first language, hope it doesn’t terribly suck! 

***

It hurt a great deal when Jaskier sold his lute. He was attached to it for more than just sentimental reasons. Sometimes he felt like his life truly started the day he got that lute.

He was used to pain by now though, pain was just another thing creeping under the surface, it came and went in waves like the ocean, sometimes threatening to overwhelm him with memories and sometimes resting among the broken pieces of his heart, hissing like a snake waiting to strike.

It was always there, he just perceived it in different ways: some days it was like being on the edge of an empty abyss of nothingness, about to fall but never really tipping over, just going through the motion. Other times, there were the long nights when sleep refused to visit him and he'd get this urge under his skin, to move, to do something, anything to not feel trapped in his own flesh, caged by his own mind.

He tried to fight insomnia with the ink, but he proved a terrible fighter. He couldn't write anything anymore. When he tried to play, his fingers seemed to have a mind of their own, and he'd get even the simplest of melody wrong, resulting in endless frustration that kept him up until dawn.

As much as he tried to outrun his ghost, he always ended up running right into it, and if he managed to keep his waking hours relatively Geralt-free, the dreams were always there. His journals paid the price of waking up for the hundredth time, after a nightmare that leaves him choking and incapable to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks.

He thought he'd feel relieved after watching it crackle and burn to ashes, as if destroying the evidence of his time with the Witcher could also destroy the heartache that came with it, but it doesn't work like that. Nothing he ever does stops him from being hollow.

Jaskier walks around the Academy like a shadow, trying to keep himself busy between lessons or at least trying to keep Geralt out of his thoughts. This simple task proved to be more complicated than he anticipated. He doesn't want to be here, he's not made for teaching and his students get on his nerves all the time. To be fair, most things get on his nerves since the mountain incident, but he doesn't have many options.

Sure, he could go home to his family, beg their forgiveness and implore his father to allow him back into court. That sounded as promising as jumping off a bridge.

Compared to that, even the room Madame M. offered him at the brothel looked like a golden palace. At least he had some talent for sex, he managed to convince even a Witcher to sleep with him, that hadn't been easy.

Jaskier stirs his mind in a safer direction, cause thinking about those nights will not do him any good. He still blames and curses himself for coming up with that stupid arrangement, cause why not Geralt, I'm here all the time, and I'm obviously very willing, besides you don't have to pay me, looks like a win-win situation to me. Looks like you're a special kind of idiot, Jaskier, that's what you are. Why did Geralt even accept anyway?

Jaskier blinks the memories away and focuses on trying to have lunch, cause that's what sane, normal people do. He's still struggling with normal though.

His plan flew out of the window when someone started to sing. Jaskier froze in his spot when he recognized the song. He wrote that. He should be pleased to hear it, but it's not pride he feels when he glances in the direction of the curly-haired boy in green velvet.

He will never play or sing another song again, and people will forget him sooner than Geralt did. The folks in this tavern don't know him, they don't know he wrote those lyrics to distract himself the first night Geralt didn't come back from a hunt and he feared for him every second of that dreadful night.

He spent hours cursing the Gods for making him so useless and prayed to them in the same breath, begging for their mercy. He felt stupid later, when Geralt showed up at dawn saying it took him longer than expected to break a curse. Jaskier told the Witcher how scared he had been and Geralt dismissed him as the fool he was.

He's scared of being forgotten, of being meaningless and unimportant. No one is going to remember Jaskier, the bard that traveled the continent with the White Wolf and shared his adventures.

He left Jaskier on top of that mountain, he's just Julian now, just a teacher, just another idiot that got his heart broken. Geralt left him like everyone else. That's what people do, they just leave and move on with their lives. So why couldn't he move on too?

There's a small shift in the air, and while he tries to regain control of his thoughts, for some unknown reason, destiny, the universe, life or the Gods, make him turn his head toward the entrance.

There is no mistaking the white hair he sees, or the dark armour. Jaskier knows he has to leave before Geralt sees him. The sole idea of Geralt being here is enough to leave him shaking.

What are the chances of meeting the Witcher outside Oxenfurt? There were no contracts in town, why was fate trying his best to mess with his life today, was the song not enough? He feels like his head is swimming and he knows he doesn't have time to panic cause his heart beats so loudly he fears Geralt will spot it in a second.

He puts some coins in the maid's hand and stumbles out of the place.  

He can't face him. Not today. Probably not ever, cause he can't imagine he'll ever be ready to face the one that broke his heart without holding any anger or resentment towards him. Why must he feel like this, Geralt never cared for him, so why is he still drowning in his feelings for the idiot?

Jaskier is a poet, he should know a thing or two about heartache. He should also know that he's out of luck today.

"Why did you follow me, Witcher?" Jaskier feels his presence a few paces behind him, still so painfully familiar to him even after all these months.

"How did you know..." There's a puzzled expression on Geralt's face. Jaskier knows he's not prepared for this.

It takes him a second to realize that no matter how angry he is at the Witcher, how deep his sorrow runs and how broken his heart is, a small part of him is almost glad to see him. It's the same small part that decided to talk to a stranger and follow him on a dangerous journey, the one that figured out first that what he was feeling was more than a crush, and that accepted every scrap of affection Geralt showed him like he was being handed the world on a silver plate.

Geralt is exactly how he remembers him, and his betrayer heart jumps in his chest when their eyes meet.

"I saw you at the tavern. I spent so long searching for your face in every crowd I started to think I was seeing things, but apparently I was right this time." I love you, I'd recognize your steps everywhere, the cracking of the leather in your gloves and the click of the metal of that buckle in your armor you always forget to fix after a hunt, I know them as if they were my own. I love you, and you broke my heart. That's what he wants to say, but the words get stuck in his throat, they're no use now.

"I... You were not singing." Jaskier knows it's not surprise he sees on Geralt's face when he answers "I don't do that anymore." but he can't figure out what it is.

It hurt when he realized he couldn't bring himself to sing or play anymore, it left him feeling even emptier than before, cause he always thought he'd have his music to console him, to defend him from the things life was throwing at him, to build a wall around himself and protect whatever was left of him. How wrong he was.

"Why not?" Jaskier wishes he could explain that when they parted on top of the mountain, when he forced himself to say "See you around Geralt" knowing he'll never see him again, when he tried to process those heavy words that rolled off the Witcher's tongue, his love for music, for poetry, for life, rolled off too and hid somewhere he couldn't reach anymore. But Geralt never cared for his music.

"Don't act like you care. I'm not the same person I was ten months ago. Besides, you hate my singing, you can barely stand my voice, what difference does it make to you?" Keeping his tone even and preventing his voice from breaking is hard, harder than any performance he ever had to do. Ten months ago feel like a lifetime away now, it doesn't even seem real. The ache in his chest is always there to remind him that it is.

"That's not true." Jaskier sees how he clenches his hands as if those words meant a great effort for him. The Gods know how many times he looked into Geralt's eyes after singing, desperately seeking his approval and finding only a mild annoyance, like this was just another thing he had to endure.

"It's like ordering a pie and finding it has no filling. There's a word for that, in case you didn't know, and it's called disappointment. Now, why did you follow me out here? I don't think it was to tell me you suddenly like my voice cause we both know you don't and honestly, bit late for that, don't you think?" Jaskier wants to be annoyed, he should be furious for what Geralt did to him, for leaving him like he meant nothing, but these days being mad is a lot of effort. He doesn't have it in him anymore, it's easier to let go of the anger. It doesn't make him feel less empty or less broken anyway.

"I just thought...we could maybe....talk?" Jaskier laughs bitterly.

"Really Geralt? That's rich coming from you. Now you want to talk? You know what, no. No, you don't get to come here and tell me you want to talk after I spent ten gods forsaken months trying to forget you. Don't you fucking dare. Not like this. Now if there's something I can help you with, do say so. If not, spare us both this conversation, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to have my heart broken again." Jaskier is not even sure there is something left to break.

He'll never admit it but deep down he knows there's no forgetting Geralt. And he curses that small part of him that wants to listen to him, to let him talk and explain, cause he knows that he'd go back to traveling with the Witcher right this second if he so much as says he'd take him back. Stupid, stupid Jaskier. A Witcher apologizing, as if.

"I'll leave you to your things then. Goodbye, Jaskier."  Saying goodbye, even knowing that it's for the best, doesn't make it any less painful.

"You were right." Geralt looks at him in a way he has never seen before, for a second he thinks it's hurt that he sees flickering in those golden eyes, but it lasts a second. He should know Geralt doesn't care about him enough to be hurt by something he says or does.

"You spent so much time trying to convince me to leave you alone and stop following you around and I never fucking listened. I realized you were right. Cause you, you got what you wanted, life, destiny, whatever, you had your sorceress and I'm finally off your hands. But what about me? That is why I wish...I wish I would have listened to you. Left. Before it was too late. Before having my heart broken."

His voice breaks at the end, he feels the tears stinging his eyes and he turns to walk away before Geralt notices it. Pain comes in waves, and today he's drowning.

[ramblinganthropologist]

Fictober 2021 (3) - “I’ve waited for this”

Fanfiction

Fandom: Mass Effect (Actor AU)

Summary: Macen Virius was supposed to be breaking things off with his costar. Instead, he’s pretty sure he might have just caught feelings. Damn it, it was just supposed to be a sex thing...

---

There was nothing like the end of a long day of filming to make Macen want to go to fucking sleep.

Every muscle in his body ached as he left the set to change out of his costume. Moments before, he had been in the blown out remains of a battlefield. Post would add the effects, but his hands still ached from holding his prop rifle and clicking the useless trigger button. Honestly, if he had been human, he would have expected an imprint there.

He was going to have to ask his costar about that later…

“Where is he anyway?” Macen’s mandibles twitched as he glanced around. Everyone was heading off, but there was no sign of Mass Effect’s leading man. Usually, he stuck around to talk to his costar – then again, he didn’t see the other ‘Commander Shepard’ either. They must have both taken off early…

He envied that about humans. They got out of costume and makeup way too quickly.

In the end, he too was back in his regular clothes. As he walked, he rubbed his right mandible, trying to get the feeling back. Part of playing Garrus meant that he needed fake implants to imply he’d had half his face blown off. With how numb that mandible got, it certainly felt that way. No doubt about it, he was looking forward to the final season where all he would need is scar tissue. At least he’d be able to move better in that.

A beeping drew his attention to his wrist as he left the set. His omnitool was letting him know he had a message from a certain fake redhead. As humans put it, curiosity killed the cat (don’t ask him, he didn’t even know what a cat was) so he opened it.

Alex Jones: Hey, rehearsal at my place tonight?

Alex Jones: I can get takeout from that levo-dextro place again. You liked their noodles.

He had liked their noodles. What he didn’t like was… well, this.

“You’re getting too attached, Virius. This is just supposed to be about sex.” He shook his head, half considering calling things off so he could have the night to himself. Problem was that his stomach had started to growl at the thought of those noodles. Besides, tomorrow’s shoot was supposed to involve a lot of emotional moments – he needed all the feedback he could get.

With any luck, he’d end the night in his own bed without fucking the human. After all… he was a turian of self-restraint and control. He could totally handle this.

…

Yeah, he was just going to keep telling himself that and hope for the best. Damn sexy human…

---

An hour later, Macen found himself standing in front of his costar’s door, frowning as he stared at the metal. As hard as he tried to talk himself into ending things, doubt still gnawed at his stomach.

He should end things. It never ended well when he got too into somebody.

“He should understand… it’s just sex… he’s my costar, and it’s just sex.” Macen shook his head again, frowning as he started to key in the human’s door code. Alex had given it to him a month prior, mostly so if he was going to be late he could get in.

That probably wasn’t a good sign, but he had elected to ignore it.

The door clicked opened, and he stepped in. Much to his surprise, the sound of upbeat music met him in the hallway. Not only that, but someone was singing to it if his translator was anything to go by. The damn thing was working overtime as he sidled closer to the entrance to the living room, holding his breath as he peaked in.

Lucky for him, Alex’s back was to him. The human had cleared a space in his living room in order to have room for what he was doing then. However, Macen was having a problem processing what “that” was. Well, he knew it was dancing – a somewhat odd version of it – but it was just so… old fashioned.

Also, since when did Alex dance?

“Let’s chase the dreaming light, and I’ll truly be myself…”

Dancing wasn’t the only thing on the menu. Macen’s jaw dropped as he realized the soft, sweet voice he had heard in the hallway was coming from Alex himself as he worked through the song with flowing, easy moves. Something about it was so painstakingly familiar, yet he couldn’t put his finger on it as he stood mutely in the hallway, watching the scene in front of him.

He had to wonder… what did it look like from the front?

“There’s a scene I want to show you. You have to wait for it… so let’s make a promise!”

Alex moved into a different position, holding out his hand to an imaginary audience that Macen couldn’t see as he took a step up. Every one of his moves were precise, even though he was doing nothing more than dancing around his apartment in his socks. Clearly, he had been practicing…

But for what?

“There’s a gentle wind wrapping around me… isn’t it warm?”

Macen knew a bridge when he heard one, and he felt himself holding his breath as he watched. Alex was getting closer to his imaginary audience now, probably for whatever was going to come in the final chorus. Maybe it was because he was so focused on the man that he hadn’t noticed his heart had begun to beat faster, but it thudded all the same.

“They’re overflowing, these endless hearts…” The man suddenly turned on his heel, facing the entry way. “Please carry them to tomorrow!”

And then no more singing happened as the precursor to the final chorus played behind him. He was fixed on the turian standing in his living room, looking rather shocked as if he hadn’t given him the door code. Macen wasn’t doing much better, mind you – he still hadn’t managed to shut his damn mouth.

And people thought they were cool. If only the blogs could see them now.

At least Alex shut the music off as he regained sense. He reached for a towel to dry off his apparently sweaty face, cheeks a slight pink from exercise. Maybe it was the sweat that had made him shine in that moment. For all Macen knew, it had caught the overhead light when he spun around like that.

Meanwhile, his heart wasn’t slowing down. Still…

“Uh… I guess my text didn’t make it.” At least his mandibles were starting to work. “I didn’t miss the noodles yet, did I?”

The human put his towel down as he started towards his phone propped up on a stand. “They’ll be here in 15 last I checked.”

The music started playing on his phone as he frowned. “Damn, I knew I spun the wrong way…”

This caused Macen to cock his head to the side. “Were you recording yourself for social media or something?”

Doubtful; this kind of thing definitely wasn’t in the human’s wheelhouse. After all, he was supposed to be playing Commander Shepard. While the man had some oddities, he probably didn’t dance around like that.

…

Then again, who fucking knew. Dude was weird.

Alex was still checking his phone as he spoke. “No, just recording my practice to see where I need to improve for filming next week.”

Surprisingly, he was grinning as he looked up. “I’ve waiteda for this for a long time, so I want to get it right.”

Something about the way he smiled did awful things to Macen’s stomach. However, the statement set his mind whirring. While he wasn’t a complete Reaper War freak like some of his coworkers, he at least knew enough to be sure something like that hadn’t happened. After all, there’d be videos, right?

Definitely videos, no way Joker would’ve let that slip by.

“Ok, you’re going to have to fill me in on this one… since when did Shepard do a little dance?”

Alex chuckled – again, there went his stomach. “2185, to be exact. The Normandy ran into a rogue AI that accidentally found its way into Shepard’s music collection. They needed to distract it, so he wound up putting on a little show. He disabled the cameras beforehand, but he wrote about it in his journal, so we know it happened. And now I get to do it on TV and make all the people who think he was just a military guy hate me. I’m thrilled.”

Clearly – he was sparkling again, and this time it wasn’t from the sweat. Macen felt his heart beat harder again, and he tried to distract himself by looking towards the door. If those noodles could save his ass, he’d marry them.

Besides, he was supposed to be calling things off with the guy.

Alex was still looking through his phone as he spoke. “It’s been such a long time since I’ve done a dance routine for TV, I was worried I forgot how. I’m definitely a little rough, but it’s better than I thought it would be. Good thing the director let me know early so I could practice a bit more.”

Macen started to open his mouth to ask, but then the memory came to the surface. He knew where he had heard the voice before, and honestly he was surprised he had forgotten about it. Back then, he had secretly loved to watch it.

Secretly, of course, because Citadel Idol Heart was really more of a girl’s show. The popular teen drama about idols competing in a Citadel-wide talent competition in hopes of seeing their dreams come to life had run for a few years, and he had seen every episode. More importantly, he had once crushed on the main character, a blonde idol with blue eyes and the sweetest voice he had ever heard. Whenever she took the stage, he had been unable to look away.

Just like he couldn’t look away now…

“You… I forgot you were on CIH.”

It was now Alex’s turn to blink back surprise as he looked up from his phone. “You watched that?”

“Kind of…” His eyes darted. “Your voice hasn’t changed much. I mean it’s gotten older sounding but I’m glad to know it wasn’t autotune or anything…”

Things had officially gotten awkward. There he was, with the crush from his teenage years… and he was fucking the guy without even knowing it. Life was weird, and it was getting worse by the second. If only teenage him could see him now…

The man’s cheeks turned a light pink at the compliment. “Well, it’s not like I’ve gone on T or anything, so no big surprise there…”

He got up, probably to check for the noodles. “I take it you were part of the Melody fan club then. Unless you were an edge lord and went with Black Rose. Her fan club was the absolute worst and insisted we hated each other, but I was the best man at her damn wedding last year…”

The rest of his statement was drowned out by the opening of a door and the ruffling of a paper bag. At last, the noodles had arrived. Unfortunately, Macen realized he didn’t have much of an appetite. His stomach refused to calm, and his heart still pounded as he sat there, processing everything.

At least the application of a warm box to his mandibles helped.

“Macen, your noodles are going to get cold.”

He blinked and realized Alex was nudging him in the face with his food. That shot him back to reality as he took the box and proffered plastic fork that went with it. The human then settled in next to him – not across! – and started to dig into his own box.

Right… food. And they were supposed to be rehearsing. And he was definitely supposed to be breaking up with his costar.

“I had the pin.”

His comment left silence in his wake. Alex had stopped eating and was giving him a rather incredulous look. This caused Macen to duck his head in lieu of eating noodles. After all, it was hard to do so politely when you had a face like his. Really, he should have sworn them off… but they were just so damn good he couldn’t resist.

Damn humans and their noodles, they were out to get him.

“You had the fan club pin?”

Yep – there went his mandibles, flapping in the breeze. “I was a big fan, ok? What can I say, everyone loves an underdog story… and you maybe… looked good in that one outfit. The orange one…”

Melody in the orange outfit had been taped to his bedroom wall until he left for basic. Hell, it might still be there…

“God, you’re such a nerd.”

Alex was chuckling though as he put his fork down. It was a nice sound, though it did horrible things to Macen’s stomach once more. Thoughts of noodles evaporated as he sat there, taking in the sound of the human’s mirth. He really needed to laugh more often… maybe he should work on making that happen.

“Well… I can’t exactly let a fan down, now can I?”

He stood and crossed the room to the open space he had created. The music was soon queued up to where he had last stopped, and Alex took position once more. The smile on his face made Macen’s heart want to stop as he sat there, a noodle still hanging from his mandible.

“I can take off into the dreaming sky… because I’m not alone.” Alex winked as he moved, following the song. “Wherever it is, I feel like I can go across the distant sky…”

Then the music swelled as it led into the final chorus. Macen forgot how to breathe in that moment as he watched his costar dance and sing along to the ancient song. All he could think of was how much better he had gotten since the days of CIH…

And how much he wanted to kiss him.

“It’s not enough to put into words, so I’m putting it into a song I’m wishing will reach you.” Another smile as Alex twirled, then began his final pose as the song began to wind down. “Beating my heart~”

The last pose, with his head cocked to the side and hands clasped together, held as the music faded. Then there was silence in the living room as Macen struggled to remember how to function. Right then, there was nothing there but Alex and the table in front of him that kept him in place.

Shit.

“It probably needs some work, but I think I’ve got the basics considering it’s only been a couple hours.” Alex landed back on the couch, picking his food back up. “What do you think, Macen? Got anything you noticed?”

Yeah… his heart was still beating like crazy.

“Macen?”

The turian shook his head – probably launching the noodle in the process. At least it didn’t hit the man next to him, so he could thank his lucky stars for that. However, it was hard to think then as so many feelings and thoughts crashed together.

He was supposed to be calling it off… that was why he came over. This was just supposed to be a sex thing… but every bone in his carapace was telling him to grab the other man and kiss the daylights out of him. They hadn’t even ever kissed outside of sex or prepping for scenes…

What the hell was wrong with him?

“I uh… I don’t know the song, but maybe hold the last pose a bit longer. They might be able to make your eyes light up a bit more.”

Alex nodded at this. “I’ll make a note. Also, don’t you hate cold noodles? Last time you wouldn’t stop complaining when the delivery guy was late…”

Right then, Macen wasn’t sure what he hated or liked as he shoveled the food into his mouth. He just needed something, anything to keep him away from the thoughts currently blooming in his mind.

He knew this path – he hated it. It never ended well. And long ago he had told himself he was never going to walk down it again if he had any sense in his head. This was nothing more than a rehash on an old teenage crush… he could overpower it.

“We need our energy to practice.” He slurped down the last noodle, glad that none were sticking to his face this time. “Tomorrow’s going to be hell if we’re not ready.”

At least his costar nodded as he worked to finish his dinner. “Tell me about it, I have a damn imprint on my trigger finger from that damn gun…”

Well, at least on the bright side that question got answered. It did nothing to quell the bubbling feelings Macen was trying so desperately to beat down, but at least his curiosity was sated for the moment. Maybe that would get him through filming.

One thing was for sure… he was fucked. No way about it – he was just plain fucked. The universe was laughing at him, and he only had himself to blame. All he could do was hope he could hold back and wait for the feelings to pass.

If they didn’t… see the previous statement for clarification. Fuck… he was supposed to be a turian sharpshooter, not a lovesick puppy. He didn’t sign up for this.

[leapyearkisses]

Orbs Are Bad News Part 1/2 - (m/m) Gerrit/Llewellyn

I ran out of Eliseo/Padgett stories, so I’ll post the rest of what I’ve got. Thank you to everyone who has liked, reblogged, and/or left nice comments. This community is truly so kind!

Anyway, I love these characters, so much. :)

MESS, sorta NSFW probably, sneezing on person (who likes it) - Elven sorcerer Llewellyn gets his hands stuck to a magic orb while he has a cold and has to be taken care of by his FWB(?) half-elf fighter Gerrit Truestride who gets off on that sort of thing. 

I fricking forgot Gerrit’s last name. This might be it??

---

"Okay, we don't know what we're dealing with here, so let's be careful." Gerrit pushed open the heavy wooden door and lifted his torch to illuminate the room inside. The firelight played over several tables covered in intriguing objects and glinted teasingly off of more than one hint of gold. Gerrit himself spotted a stolid wooden chest in the corner and his heart rate quickened. "Jackpot," breathed Remembrance, the party's resident ne'er-do-well. She rubbed her hands together, sharp nails clicking. Gerrit was sure she was assigning price tags to the lot of it, except for whatever she hid in her bags for herself, of course. "I know a guy in the capitol who'll pay through the nose for that pervy little statue there." "That is a religious object," chastised Cordes with a haughty tsk. "It's used in rituals of worship for the goddess Fortuna." "Oh, I'm sure he'll be worshipping," cackled Remembrance, and she slipped past Gerrit into the vault. "Few hundred gold and he'll be rubbing out a grand ol' prayer." Her pointed tail waved with greedy delight. "Hey! The proper course of action would be to bring it back to a temple!" Cordes went after her, pushing Gerrit aside. The half-elf grumbled but wasn't surprised. "At least TRY not to touch anything cursed," he called. He'd been the one to organize this little band, but although he was the one who reported to their patron, he had precious little influence over what they did. They were happy to point to him when some upstart had a problem with the party, though. Ingrates. He turned to the last member of the group. "What about you, Llewellyn? I thought I saw some books on the far table."

"Lead the way," replied the sorcerer, and his usually mellifluous voice sounded strained. Purple shadowed the hollows under his faintly luminous silver eyes, and he had his nose tucked into his handkerchief again. Gerrit hadn't spent much time around full elves, but he'd always believed they couldn't get sick, at least not like a human or dwarf. Llewellyn had been dragging since Saints' Day, though, and seemed to have come down with a flu. His skin, where visible under his fitted robes, was wan. "Sure," said Gerrit, and he stepped into the room, holding the door out so that Llewellyn could join him. "You, uh, you don't look like you're feeling any better." "Oh," said the sorcerer, "I'm not. I ran out of tonics." He entered the vault and walked over to one of the tables, investigating a strangely shaped glass bowl. "But as we were already down here, I'm not sure what you want me to say. There's no inn at which I might rest my weary bones."  "Cordes could make you an herbal remedy," Gerrit grumped. He went over to the chest he'd seen earlier and smashed the lock off with the pommel of his dagger. He didn't need any fancy lockpicking tools like Remembrance's. And hitting something felt good when his companions were all intent to be annoying, acerbic, or both. "I suppose," Llewellyn replied, sounding uncertain as his voice wavered. Gerrit tried to ignore the way his ears heated at that. That was the tone that overtook the elf when he was preparing to sneeze. It wasn't any of Gerrit's concern. His occasional roll in the hay (literal and figurative) with Llewellyn did not make it easier or more appropriate to acknowledge his odd attractions, especially since they were currently ransacking a dungeon with a priest and a psychopath. He focused his attention on searching the chest, and he was rewarded with a heavy coin purse, a stack of calfskin-bound journals, and a ruby the size of a robin's egg. He whistled. Llewellyn gasped. "Hah- hahttsch-ow!" "'Ow'?" Cordes appeared from behind a bookshelf, one arm wrapped tightly around a thick rug, the other reaching for his pack of salves. "What is it? Cut? Burn?" When Gerrit looked, their sorcerer was rubbing his nose with his left hand. "Bruise," Llewellyn said. He lifted his right hand, in which he held a blue crystal orb that was knotted inside a thin lattice of gold chain. "I got my hand caught." He'd apparently run the thing into his nose when trying to cover his sneeze. Llewellyn's thin face was already dusted pink from the embarrassment. Gerrit couldn't help but laugh. "Very graceful," he chuckled. "I will thank you for keeping it to yourself," Llewellyn replied, and that was elvish dialect for "fuck you." Gerrit laughed again.  Cordes had leaned over to see the orb better in the firelight. He was the only one among them whose vision was hindered by the dim light. "What kind of artifact is this?" he asked. "It doesn't resemble anything I've studied." "I'm not sure." Llewellyn held it up to the torch. The orb lit up like a lamp, but otherwise nothing happened. "Whatever this chain is, though, it's very prone to tangling." He tried to shake it off his wrist and failed. This was a task for both hands, and he set to freeing himself. And kept trying. And trying. Gerrit frowned. "What are you doing? Cordes, would you get that off of him?" "Sure." The priest reached out to help, but Llewellyn suddenly backed away out of reach. "Uh... I'm not trying to steal it, elf." "Oh, I would let you take it," Llewellyn said, scowling. "But I have a feeling we would be in for some trouble if you touch it now." He held up both hands. His palms were wrapped around the crystal and bound with the ball in that thin gold chain. "I am... I'm stuck."

---

"STUCK," hooted Remembrance again. She was crouched at the entrance to the dungeon - a root-cellar-like set of doors they'd found in a small bandit settlement - and hauling out a heavy pack stuffed with loot. In the daylight, she looked menacing and out of place, her horns, dusky maroon skin tone, and black eyes setting her apart from this land's primarily human residents. "And you even said not to touch any curses!" "I recall you said so as well," said Cordes, who looked exactly like a run-of-the-mill human resident except for the star-like scar on his left temple. He reached down and grabbed Gerrit's hand, steadying the half-elf as he climbed out of the hole. Llewellyn was hanging uncomfortably on Gerrit's back, arms looped around the other man's neck. They'd tried to find a more dignified way to get him out of the dungeon, but he couldn't manage the ladder well enough without the use of his hands. "The artifact didn't react to my detection spell," sniffed Llewellyn disdainfully, and Gerrit was quick to set him down before that sniffing could become another sneeze. He didn't want to blush in front of the others. "There must be someone in Veigh who can help you," Gerrit said. "We'll just swing by on our way to the capitol." The city was three days out of their way, but they couldn't have Llewellyn stuck this way for the two week trip back to their patron. With his hands bound, he couldn't cast any spells that required him to gesture, and that was almost all of them. He'd effectively rendered himself completely useless in combat. Veigh had a chapter of the Mages Guild in residence, though, and if no one there could help, they might at least be able to send Llewellyn on ahead via a transportation spell.  "I will hope there is." Llewellyn looked pale and worn, though his fine features still exuded the otherworldly beauty of the high elves. His hair was a silky black, although mostly covered by his hood, and the contrast made his silver eyes look even more curious. He fumbled for a minute at his waist before scowling heavily. "I can't get into any of my bags, of course..." "What do you need?" asked Gerrit. Remembrance had started off through the trees, humming, her bulging pack swaying with her sinuous movements. Gerrit really didn't want to let her get too far ahead, not least because she was scary good at concealing herself in the foliage and might slip the party completely. However, Cordes was with her, and Llewellyn couldn't exactly fend for himself right now. "My handkerchief..." The elf's voice had gone wavery again, and Gerrit watched as his nostrils flared. Fuck. Gerrit hurriedly patted his pockets until he produced his own handkerchief, or what he bothered with when necessary. It was a large square of flannel, rough around the edges. It wasn't embroidered or monogrammed like Llewellyn's, but he figured by now the flannel was a hell of a lot cleaner, and it was soft for an irritated nose. "Here, take mine." Llewellyn held out his hands plus the orb for it, breath hitching, but no matter how Gerrit tried to drape the cloth, it kept slipping off of the artifact. He supposed he could try to tie it around the- Llewellyn made a desperate sound and tipped his head back, exposing the long line of his throat. His breath was coming in soft pants now. And he was raising the orb reflexively.  Gerrit couldn't let him whack himself in the face again, so he did the only other thing he could think of. With one hand he reached out and took Llewellyn by the shoulder. With the other, he lifted the handkerchief and pressed it over the elf's nose. His fingers settled firmly on either side of Llewellyn's nostrils, and none too soon. After another half-hitch, Llewellyn ducked forward again with a quiet but insistent sneeze. "Happtsch! Gerrit was sure he was beet red. “Bless you,” he mumbled. Through the cloth, Llewelyn’s nose felt hot, and any gentle pressure resulted in a bit of a squish. “Let me just…” "Whh- wait-" Llewellyn leaned into the handkerchief. "I'm nh- I'm not done hhH-" His eyes slipped shut and he gasped again. Gerrit swallowed and tried to ignore the tenting of his breeches. "R-roger that." He could feel Llewellyn's nostrils twitching against his fingers. "Hh...Haah- Hapttschuh! Snrk... Aptschiu!" His body rocked, and he took a half-step forward. Gerrit could hear the thick sound of congestion in the elf's nose as he tried to stave off another sneeze. "Blow your nose," he said. "It will help." Llewellyn hesitated, but in the end, he had to comply. There was nowhere for the mucus to go except out. He started to blow with a gurgle. Gerrit moved the hand from his shoulder to start rubbing Llewellyn's back. The handkerchief and his fingers were rapidly growing damp, but he really didn't mind. "There you go."  He held the handkerchief to Llewellyn's nose until the elf moved back on his own. His nose was red and tender looking, and his cheeks were flushed rosy. He didn't seem to want to meet Gerrit's eyes. Gerrit didn't mention it. He didn't really want to look at Llewellyn either right now. It had been a while since the elf had looked so very fuckable.  He put the handkerchief in an easily-accessible outside pocket of his vest.  "Ready to go?"  Llewellyn coughed lightly. "Yes." "Excellent." Gerrit gestured for Llewellyn to precede him, and the two of them headed out through the trees, following the sounds of Cordes negotiating the underbrush and swearing about it. --- Travel proved easy enough once they made it to the road. They were fortunate not to meet anyone else along the way. The party could handle a group of bandits without their sorcerer, but they had their treasure to worry about, and Remembrance always drew stares, and sometimes aggression, even from normal travelers. Gerrit thought her skills more than made up for the extra negative attention they drew. And anyway, Remembrance was crazy but she wasn't evil. She did better out on the road than in town, but that was probably true of all of them. Llewellyn kept up with her pace, but it was clearly a struggle. He was usually fairly quiet, but he didn't speak at all as they walked, focusing on breathing and not devolving into coughing or more sneezing. There were a few times when Gerrit hastily reached into his pocket, at the ready, but Llewellyn fought back the itch with admirable determination. He kept his nose from running by sniffling heavily, which sounded somewhere between awful and revolting. Cordes commented on it multiple times with disgust, but nothing could be done. Llewellyn held his tongue, and Gerrit was reluctant in this case to offer the handkerchief without being asked. They found a place to camp about half an hour outside the small village of Tewks. Remembrance cleared out some brush to make a flat area for the bedrolls and then promptly decided she'd rather sleep in a tree with everything she owned. She found a good, solid oak a few yards from the camp and ensconced herself in the crux of its branches. She had a good view of the road in either direction and volunteered to take the second watch in the middle of the night, which was her favorite time. Gerrit agreed to take the first watch as Cordes started to set up his tent. The priest refused to sleep on the ground and always took an extra fifteen minutes to erect a curious one-person canvas canopy. It wasn't even large enough to sit up inside, but whatever. The priest never asked anyone else to haul it along, so Gerrit wouldn't complain. These arrangements left him and Llewellyn alone together on one side of the fire, and he supposed that was preferable during the orb situation anyway. Llewellyn couldn't handle his own bedroll, help with the fire, or unpack any of their supplies. Gerrit realized he would probably have to help the elf eat, too. And... Well, when he noticed Llewellyn fidgeting uncomfortably, Gerrit took him out into a thicker copse to see to his other needs. They didn't talk about it... Llewellyn could hardly undo his own buttons, though, and it wasn't the first time Gerrit had taken over. By the time the fire was hot enough to cook over, Llewellyn had tucked himself up to sit on a tree stump, exuding an aura of furious self-reproach. Cordes took some jerky into his tiny tent with him - for some reason. Gerrit made up two bowls of pottage and sat himself on the ground at the roots of the stump. He put one bowl on the ground for himself and then held up the other. "Hungry?" "Not particularly," Llewellyn replied, voice blunted with congestion. He coughed. "But you're going to make me eat something, aren't you." "I'd prefer you do it willingly." Gerrit tapped the spoon on the side of the bowl. "Come on. It's hot. You'll feel better." Llewellyn growled in a manner more suited to orcs than elves. "I feel like an invalid." Gerrit sighed. "Well, if it makes you feel better, we can pretend you lost your arms in an owlbear attack very tragically." He could feel Llewellyn's fiery glare on him and smiled a little. "Look, we've all done stupid things while adventuring. I'm sure you remember when I tripped and knocked myself out on that knight's shield during the tournament." "I remember," replied the elf, begrudgingly. "Besides, you're sick on top of the whole orb thing. Maybe your detection spell wasn't sensitive enough. Maybe the thing's not even cursed! Maybe it's supposed to do this, and we just don't know why." "I have a hard time believing that. What possible purpose could this serve?"  Gerrit shrugged. "Don't ask me. Dad says my mother was a druid, but I haven't got a magical bone in my body." He tilted his head. "We could always try smashing it?" Llewellyn's rejection was forceful. "Do you want to explode?!" Gerrit chuckled. "Not really." Llewellyn sighed. Gerrit held out a spoonful of pottage. Feeding both Llewellyn and himself was a bit difficult, but Gerrit did well enough when he could alternate. It would be better if he could use both hands equally like Cordes, but he couldn't, and so he didn't. He just thought about it wistfully as he worked. Llewellyn ended up eating most of his bowl, then went back to sitting quietly and sniffling. Gerrit finished the rest and put the utensils aside to deal with later. And... Even though Llewellyn hadn't asked, he drew out his handkerchief again. "Hey," he began, trying not to sound awkward. "You wanna blow your nose?" No one else was paying attention and Llewellyn didn't need to inhale any more of that crap. The elf gave him a shitty side-eye. "Come on," said Gerrit. "Don't be like this." He patted the ground in front of him encouragingly as if Llewellyn was a recalcitrant cat. "I'm fine," said Llewellyn, and then betrayed himself with a quick breath. "Hah--" "Come on," Gerrit repeated, "before you make a mess." Llewellyn came down off the stump to sit in front of him, legs tucked underneath, and rested the orb on Gerrit's thigh to balance himself. His eyes were pinched with reluctance, but Gerrit could see that the elf's nostrils were already damp. "Hah- hh- hurry," Llewellyn gasped. Again, Gerrit reached out with the handkerchief, enfolding his companion's nose. He could feel Llewellyn's breath fluttering against his hand through the fabric and hear quite clearly how it kept catching on congestion.  "Hah-hngk- Hahgkttscht!" Llewellyn ducked forward with the force of it and Gerrit steadied him with a hand on his hip. "Ngkttsch! Hnggktxch!!" Gerrit bit his lip sharply to keep from saying anything, but his body was singing with arousal. Llewellyn hiccuped a short gasp and Gerrit pulled the handkerchief away to present a clean corner. The current spot had become soaked and silvery. "Bless," he managed after a moment, and he carefully readjusted the cloth. "Are you going to sneeze again?" Llewellyn nodded, eyes teary with the effort of the first bunch. Gerrit wasn't surprised; the elf had been holding back since they left the dungeon. He couldn't imagine it had been comfortable, but Llewellyn had his pride. He never would let Gerrit give him love bites either. Annnd Gerrit was going to have to stop thinking about that. "Haptsch!" Easier said than done. Really. But Llewellyn's comfort came first. "Hahkptsch!" The sorcerer groaned softly. "Hah- hh- Hgnaptscxhx!"  Gerrit did his best to assist Llewellyn through the fit. He kept the handkerchief secure, moving it when necessary to keep it dry enough. He steadied the elf when the sneezes bent his body or when he felt faint from lack of breath. He even massaged Llewellyn's nose for him when he was trying to blow it and the congestion was stubbornly refusing to move. By the time he felt finished enough to lean back, Llewellyn was flushed and light-headed, swaying where he sat. Gerrit was sweating and needed a towel. "........Thanks," murmured Lleyellyn, eventually. "Yeah," said Gerrit. "Sure." He swallowed. "Let's wash up." He helped Llewellyn to his feet and they went a little way to a creek (generously; it was little more than a ditch through the woods). Gerrit gently washed Llewellyn's face, careful of his tender eyes and nose, and sent him back to camp to lay down for the night. He lingered at the water's edge to wash the handkerchief and, well, to take other matters in hand. Llewellyn was completely out when he returned, and Gerrit was grateful. He smoothed the elf's bangs back and then settled beside the fire to take watch. The woods in the dark were full of the sounds of insects and small animals moving in the undergrowth. And Llewellyn snoring and sniffling in his sleep. Safe sounds. Gerrit rested his chin on his hand and looked toward the road. Damn orb. It was going to be a long way to Veigh.

[rockshortage]

*Cracks knuckles* Ow. Let's see, how about: A6, 16. B1, 12. C1, 2, 3, 5, 8. D4. E2, 3, 7. F2, 5, 10, 12 (Sorry, but also not sorry) I6. L1, 2, 4, and 9 :)

hoo boy that took a while

A6) Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Ah, he questions himself a lot. Maybe he wasn’t listening well enough because he was too distracted by being anxious? Maybe he misinterpreted this event, because his background knowledge on it was lacking, he doesn’t know the full story and opinions from all sides, he’s not sure he can form a well educated opinion on this--

A16) Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first?

Hector needs to do it himself for Science, because how else is he to truly know, if not from his own personal experience? Trusting what people tell you is good and all but gathering data yourself is better.

Unless we’re talking about raider politics, in which case there’s not really a good way for Hector to gather data without seriously endangering him and friends, so he’ll just listen to Gage.

B1) Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

Generally, he believes it’s necessary to give people respect before you can expect it in return. He learns that many people do not in fact think the same way. He’ll still want to extend basic courtesy to them even if they’re assholes, unless they disrespect/piss him off to the extremes, or if their actions threaten his position and in turn the well-being of himself and friends.

B12) Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do?

Have a back and forth about it in his head – ah it’s not so bad it’s still fine, but then again he really wanted it differently… but he doesn’t wanna bother them and be entitled about it, but man… :( Might get close to pointing it out but chances are slim that he’ll actually get someone to correct the order. It’ll be disappointing but he’ll eat it.  

C1) Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

Eeeh, not a super strong one. His baseline are general societal morals and norms, like… help person good, kill person bad. Most of the time he’ll base his actions on what feels right for him and for his friends. He’ll consider: will doing this make me feel bad afterwards? Will it have a negative impact on other people, who don’t deserve it? Is that consequence worth it because it saves my own skin or helps/protects my friends?

C2) Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it?

Bringing back the point about sacrificing for the greater good. He’d consider that the morally right thing to do because it impacts fewer people negatively. But making that sacrifice endangers his friends, whose lives for him personally are worth much more than an abstract crowd of people. So he chooses to not do the thing for the greater good and save his friends instead, and yes, he would feel very bad on the one hand, because oh boy. As far as most people are concerned, he did a horrible terrible thing and was extremely selfish and absolutely chose wrong. But on the plus side, and that’s a very big huge plus- he still has his friends. And still having his friends makes him feel less bad than how he would have felt if he didn’t have his friends anymore.

So uh… yes and no.

C3) Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

More or less. He can’t hang out well with people he completely disagrees with in every way, of course that’s not going to work. But Hector is… how to say… kinda boring when it comes to ideals and opinions and all that stuff. He just doesn’t have very strong ones in general. Which can make him a little bland and potentially spineless, but also pretty agreeable. As long as they don’t constantly shove their great big opinions in his face, they’ll get along well enough.

C5) Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

I think I kind of answered this in C2. Basic morals do get thrown out the window if friends are threatened, or if he gets pissed off enough. He’d have to be really pissed off though. As well as being post having-grown-a-spine(-at-least-partially). Hurting people bad but being insufferable to Hector also bad so guess what fucker

C8) Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

Again a little tricky because I’m having trouble coming up with a scenario that would help me make up my mind with a definite answer. I’m leaning more towards a practical approach 1) because Hector is more of a realist/pessimist in general, 2) he doesn’t want to like… be overly demanding

D4) Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?

The more he thinks about it the more meaningless life seems to get for someone like him. Solution: don’t think about it! Repress that shit because it’s not like you can do anything about it anyway. Also an involuntary solution but one that helps nonetheless: have shit memory so that you don’t feel like you’ve lived too many lifetimes.

If you were to ask him, the answer you get completely depends on the headspace he’s in at the moment. If he’s just vibing, going about his day and things are going well then yeah! Immortality isn’t so bad. If you catch him on an off day, things aren’t going so well, maybe he just thought about having to deal with losing his friends eventually… then you obviously get the opposite answer.

E2) Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)

I know I talked about this before and I grouped them from strong to medium to weak but I can’t for the life of me find the post anymore (thanks tumblr for your useless garbage search and tagging features). So I can’t even check if I’m still on the same wavelength with past me :v

From strongest to weakest we have…

Logical-mathematical

Spatial

Linguistic

Bodily-kinesthetic

Musical

Naturalist

Interpersonal

Existential

Intrapersonal

E3) How many languages do they speak?

Three… and a half.

The half language being Swiss German, because I don’t know what the fuck it is even after graduating from language uni

The others: Standard German, English, and French, from strongest to weakest.

E7) Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous?

Yes, yes, and yes. He’s very good at taking notes considering most of science is documentation. And even now when he’s not doing a lot of Formal Science things, he still writes in his journal almost daily, summing up events and making notes of important things. He gets nervous with tests with all the self doubt if he really prepared well enough and the unpredictability of the questions that will be asked, but once the pen is in his hand, he just blazes through it.

F2) What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

Someplace underground, safe and sturdy like a vault. Industrial aesthetic is welcome and he wants to have plenty of space, but it shouldn’t feel huge and empty. Needs to be homey, even if it might feel a little rustic to the average person. Having it built into a mountain would be sick, so he still has the perfect protection from the sun, but he doesn’t have to crawl out of a hole in the ground like some kind of worm – instead he opens the door and gets the most amazing view immediately.

… and I promise, only after writing the above did I remember that he pretty much lives in a mountain already, just a plastic one. Close enough.

F5) How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?

Quite handy indeed. He can fix most things, he usually just needs some time to (re-)familiarize himself with the object and its functions. A lot of it also involves trial and error, but he’ll figure it out eventually.

F10) Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?

He’d actually be really good at pen/pencil drawing, what with making technical illustrations and blueprints of Science Stuff, but it’s not a skill that’s applied in an artsy setting. When the goal is to draw for the sake of drawing, evoking emotion, or paint with a brush, that’s probably when shit would fall apart. I can’t remember who the artist was, but it reminds me of this little comic about Paladin Danse – in which he’s extremely good at technical drawings but then he attempts to draw a dog and it just looks…wrong.

Now with music, he’s more likely to engage in it in an artful way. He likes to sing, even if he very rarely does it now that he has people around him more often than not. Before, he’d just be alone in his lonely place and sing and scream to his heart’s content, but now he’s too awkward to do it, because someone might hear him. He is pretty good at it though, considering how much alone time he’s had to practice.

F12) Would they enjoy a theme park?

The rides and junk food? Yes absolutely. But the giant crowd and every little consequence it entails, nope, no thank you, he’ll just leave it be.

You bet he’s gonna go on the rides at nuka world though once they got them back up and working, because the crowd isn’t as big as pre-war and he’s the fucking overboss and can skip lines and restrict access to others however he damn pleases.

I6) Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

He can, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys it. The first month or so at nuka world he almost exclusively lives off of some shitty nutrient bars. In some scenarios, food just exists as sustenance and not as something to be enjoyed.

In a preferable scenario though, it is to be enjoyed. And I think while he would get bored of it after a while, it’d take longer than for the average person. And even then, he’s just happy he can eat something enjoyable at whatever pace he likes instead of having to scarf down Compressed Nutrient

L1) How have your characters changed since you created them?

He stopped existing in a void, which is a pretty damn big change. Now he has a whole world and other characters to interact with, that contribute to shaping and developing his personality.

L2) What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

Oof, this is hard. Maybe… getting to know yourself? Accepting change, personal growth?

L4) Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

I’m actually not sure sjdfsdnsv

Like yes he is sweet bean who must be protected, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is a weird little old man. I guess if we can just chill listening to music and he can go off about crustaceans or something and we speak The Horrible Language, why the fuck not

L9) How did you come up with your OC?

Masks cool. Me especially like gas masks. Unhinged science characters also cool. Make generic but still sliiiightly unique design and make it a point to not have him be a young pretty boy character despite having immortality. Add lots of weaknesses to compensate for the immortality. Add science personality things and complete the picture with projections of my own personality. Boom, you’ve got yourself the beginnings of a Hector

[curatedjournal-blog]

World Mental Health Day - Some thoughts for students

So, likelihood is you’ve seen these before or they don’t matter/apply to you BUT in the off chance that you may need to hear it today, tomorrow, yesterday or 5 years from now let me tell you a few things about self-care and dealing with ill mental health not just as a student but as a human being.

DISCLAIMER/WARNING: I have been on and off depression and anxiety meds for the past 5+ years, have been through counselling, CBT, you name it. Also, some of this may be TRIGGERING so please be kind to yourself and stop/don’t start reading it if it feels wrong or painful. Also, these are as much for me as they are for others so there’s that...

1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Sadly, all around the world, ill mental health is misunderstood, mocked and disregarded by many. Sometimes you may not be able to find support in your family or friends. Often not because they don’t want to support you but because they don’t understand what you are going through. However, there are multitudes of online and offline communities that can help for free and with no strings attached (I don’t want to recommend any service in particular for personal reasons but Google

can be a great friend in these cases. Also, your school/uni often has free psychological support for students).

2. Stress and anxiety are more common among students than you think. The pressure can be awful and it comes from all sides - family, money, professors, yourself. It sucks. Which is why you NEED to...

3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Dude, self-care is everywhere these days. In a way, it almost lost it’s meaning! What is it really? Going on a shopping spree? Having a spa day? Exercising? Eating your favourite snack? Watching an episode of your fave show? All of the above? Well...

4. ONE SIZE DOESN’T FIT ALL. For me self-care is not binge watching Netflix as a way to avoid my to-dos, not letting shit accumulate, staying moderately on top of things and not kicking myself in the ass if I don’t. It’s also practicing kundalini yoga as OFTEN as I REMEMBER, journalling WHEN I feel like it, engaging in a hobby for 5 MINS to take my head of things, cooking a healthy meal IF I have time, etc.

5. SELF-CARE DOESN’T HAVE TO COST MONEY. Students are broke, we ain’t got no money (or time) for expensive massages and weekend yoga retreats. There’s so many free stuff that DOES NOT REQUIRE A SUBSCRIPTION which you can engage in to help you relax. Find a free exhibition to visit on a weekend, go to the local library and read a couple of soothing poems, go for a walk in the park (I’m a big believer in FOREST THERAPY). Also, if that’s your thing, youtube has LOTS of free self-care content: yoga classes, guided meditations, tips, soothing music...

6. If you’re STUCK IN A RUT, motivation doesn’t come, you can’t face leaving your bed because you fear something awful will happen well, I’m sorry but I’ll give you some tough love... Motivation won’t come. You have to do the thing even if you don’t feel

like it or are scared to do it. Likelihood is it’s not that big of a deal once you get started so... Take the first step (also, look into BEHAVIOURAL ACTIVATION a tried and true CBT technique).

7. EAT ONE FROG A DAY. You know that awful, anxiety inducing shit task you’ve been post-poning for ages that lingers in the back of your mind, eating at you and your sanity, neuron by neuron? Just get it over with. It won’t get any easier to do so may as well do it now and at least you can tick one off.

8. Frogs come in every size and SMALL WINS ARE IMPORTANT. Maybe your frog is making your bed in the morning or getting up before 7am or doing the dishes. Small victories accumulate and will make you feel accomplished step by step, no matter how small that step is. This can REALLY IMPROVE YOUR MOOD. Also, small frogs can easily become major frogs the more you put them off.

9. If it applies to you, TAKE YOUR MEDS and REMEMBER YOUR REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS. Many times have I forgotten to take mine or reorder them to then feel like shit and completely useless for a week. What works for me may not work for you but here are my tips anyway - keep a water bottle and your meds by your bed next to your alarm clock/phone so you take them first thing when you wake up. Keep some extra meds in your bag so that IF you forget to take them then you have them with you and can easily get on top of it as soon as you realise.

10. KEEP HYDRATED. Honestly, I get majorly moody if I haven’t been drinking enough and it’s good for you eiter way so, do it!

11. BE ACCOUNTABLE. Find a buddy to help you keep in check (if you don’t have regular medical appointments or therapy sessions). Someone who you can talk to about how things are going or share experiences. Hey, I’m here if you’re desperate for a bud!

12. TRY TO DEVELOP AND KEEP A ROUTINE. Developing new habits takes a lot of effort and time. So it’s gonna be hard and you’ll feel like you want to give up and just hide under your covers (again, I speak from experience). Try and visualise what you’d like your daily routine to be - write it down, monitor it daily and if you fail try again...

13. TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY and a new chance to do things better. Try again and again until you succeed. And don’t beat yourself up everytime things don’t go exactly the way you want them to...

14. FOCUS ON POSITIVES. Remember those small wins? Write them down at the end of the day (or simply go over them in your mind). Keep a gratitude journal - as cliche as it sounds, remembering the good things at the end of a shit day will help you go to bed on a good note. I once heard of a lady who kept a journal where she only wrote positive things - all the negative crap she left out - I think that’s a great idea and something I am eager to try.

15. DECLUTTER FOR 5 MINS EACH DAY. A clean space makes for a clean mind. I always feel more anxious and moody if my space is messy.

16. EMBRACING MINIMALISM CAN HELP. Having lots of things doesn’t equal happiness or peace of mind. Lots of things create clutter and chaos and, in my case, mind clutter and anxiety.... which is why I’m currently actively trying to be more conscious about my possessions and purchases.

17. LEARN TO SAY NO. A lot of students in this community are perfectionists, overachieving, ambitious young people. It’s very easy to be seduced by cool opportunities, collabs, requests, invitations... Think twice before saying yes - can you realistically do what you are agreeing to? Will it contribute to your anxiety? Will it truly be beneficial for you? Be a bit selfish if you have to. It’s okay to focus on your wellbeing.

18. DON’T LET IMPOSTER SYNDROME TAKE THE REIGNS. We’ve all been there: I don’t deserve this, I’m not good enough, everyone else is smarter, I CAN’T DO THIS. Yes you can! Tell that voice to shut up. Say it in front of the mirror everyday: I AM ENOUGH AND I CAN DO THIS.

19. BREAK THINGS DOWN. Instead of writing on your to do list “clean bedroom”, break it down into as small tasks as possible: “pick up clothes from floor”, “change bedding”, “organise books”, “dust surfaces”, “vacuum”, etc.

20. ASK FOR HELP. I end it as I begun it. When it gets too hard, reach out. Whether it’s a close friend or an anonymous support line you don’t have to go through it alone. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOUR LIFE MATTERS.

YOU ARE UNIQUE AND AMAZING AND YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER.

[cvenir]

here i am to introduce EIGHT characters that i actually thought i had already introduced lmao set me on fire !! but yay, take a look under the cut! ofc eventually proper bios will hit my pages and their tasks will expand much more on my children! as always, pinterests and songs are linked if u wanna go a lil deeper

just kidding i drafted that when i was aCTUALLY gonna do 8 but thankfully tea says she won’t accept me until i post 2 intros so yOU SHALL RECEIVE 2 RN and 8 later <33333 gotta keep y’all on your toes heh also i wrote niall’s in my journal on the plane so like... it’s not great (literally just bullets of sentence fragments) but wtvr that’s what bios are for amirite

NIALL O'DONOGHUE looks an awful lot like TARON EGERTON. HE is TWENTY-EIGHT and while they're ASTUTE, they have a tendency to get pretty ARDUOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DON'T WANNA FALL IN LOVE by KYLE (ok his pinterest is incredibly unfinished look away)

v conflicting mix of soft and hard

king of suppressing his lowkey intense feelings

kinda awkward around others due to the fact that he spent his entire life reading, writing, and studying –– he rarely interacted with other people as a kid and this mostly continued into his adult life

sweet soft boi has a double masters in medieval and renaissance studies and french and romance philology; he’s working on his phd rn while interviewing to become an assistant professor at kola university

grew up w a single mom (never knew dad) and had no siblings so his childhood was even lonelier :////

so like mad libs = his bff :’(

well mad libs and the shoulder flashlight he invented for late night reading (shoutout to amy santiago)

v soft and passionate heart

loves intellectual discussions like my boi has v strong gemini/virgo/mercury influences –– and a libra (or taurus i haven’t decided yet) venus so waTCH OUT

takes friendship v seriously (love u grant <333 @mcnuggcts )

buttt he can be a giant asshole sorry i don’t make the rules

v organized and particular

and scared of getting close to people bc he’s so used to being alone ugh my son!!

but once you get in there you’ll see he’s a good guy like rlly is he just has a bad temper sometimes and can barely express any emotion but anger half the time :///

ISLA VARGA looks an awful lot like ALEXIS REN. SHE is TWENTY-TWO and while they're SAGACIOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty MACABRE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to COOL GIRL by TOVE LO. 

so i’ve played isla before n i’m v sorry to do this but i feel hella lazy so i’m sORRY but here comes a fucking huge wall of text don’t look at me and don’t feel like u have to read it ://// all the triggers i tagged apply to her; she’s p dark so seriously do not read it if you think she will make you uncomfortable!!

to preface, isla is like the embodiment of all of the seven deadly sins, and i molded her a lot after amy dunne (scary, i know) and april ludgate (mostly amy tho april is just deadpan like she is –– when she’s being herself, that is), as she is an incredible pococurante yet perfectionist who borders on sociopathy

soooo this will make sense later but her real name is actually brigid (father’s surname idk) which she now uses as her middle name

so isla’s dad is a fucking rockstar !!! badass right. she’s half-siblings with hadley ( @ofadorations ) and colby ( @shtbgs ) but she actually never met her mom, something she’s not too pressed about

bc she was cute as a button, family friends decided to get her into the entertainment business as a child star almost as soon as she could walk –– she did it all, acted, modeled, danced, sang, she was literally hollywood’s little starlet and she hated every minute of it. the entertainment business loved who they created, but that girl was never her and it weighed deeply on her psyche.

when she was twelve, she decided to fake her own disappearance because she was fed up with everything –– she cut her hair to her ears, dyed it brown (and has continued to do so ever since) and sneaked her way to nyc hoping no one would recognize her

well someone did, and they happened to be a member of ruthless and organized mobs of the city –– in return for keeping her concealed, she pledged her devotion and became one of their most skilled and lethal honeytraps in the business (WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE BC THEY MADE HER START YOUNG I AM SO SORRY FOR WRITING THIS IT JUST PLAYS HEAVILY INTO HER CHARACTER)

along the way, members inevitably died –– people she was sworn to care for –– many times before her eyes as well, which only lead her to realize she enjoyed witnessing all sorts of death, even those of people she was supposed to “love”. emotion was almost nonexistent in isla’s childhood, a trait that bled into her character development.

she began to idolize the gang and its power, something she now craved. still, isla was doing a great job of portraying herself to those around her as a rosy, meek, baby-doll, when in actuality she was a child full of hate who would soon blossom into a young adult of the same tone. she became even more obsessed with death, fantasizing about it as if her unusual thoughts would make her less afraid when it came for her. 

eventually, as she grew older, she was accepted into the higher ranks of the mob; this couldn’t have made isla more content. the macabre girl was honored that someone else noticed her genius, the way she could predict things, assess situations, manipulate people to do her bidding. it was only right that she was initiated into a society that praised her for such harshness

but, as all things do, her time in the gang ended after ten years and isla did what she does best: disappeared. she’s relocated back close to home, kola california, and it’s only a matter of time before people and the industry realize just who she is

if she’s acting like her true self, she behaves like a negative, eldritch layabout who likes to watch others suffer (sounds extreme, i know). however, she rarely lets anyone see the real her, and instead accepts various facades in a big game –– the darkness is truly her personality, she’s not faking her cold demeanor. this image enables her to mask her true potential and the fact that she is unflaggingly loyal and cares about those she’s close to.

if i had to give her a label, it would probably be the pococurante (which is defined as: an indifferent person. possibly they’re bored, jaded or even been hurt. either way, they tend not to get attached to things and don’t show much enthusiasm, whether that’s on the outside or the inside, too)

on the other hand, she could be accurately summed up as an arcane, as she’s an enigmatic mystery and she prides herself on being a puzzle that several people have failed to solve. there are many sides to her personality; in some aspects, she’s very much an aesthete considering she spends a great deal of her time taking putting together outfits, so she has a very defined fashion sense and typically dresses like a princess half the time, which is very ironic considering her dark personality. she truly is so GLAMOROUS (and this is why i love alexis for her) and she works that mean girl, hard soul aesthetic while serving looks and also able to come across as incredibly sweet, which is perfect for her multiple personas. she’s a stunner, with both her appearance and personality; as much as she is indifferent and would prefer to fly under the radar, wherever she goes people always want to ask questions, making her into this intangible concept that everyone wants to define.

people will recognize parts of her as if they’ve seen here in another life, and because of her ostentatious, puzzling, and spellbinding personality, she’s unforgettable. on the other hand, she’s also something of a virago, due to the fact that she can be incredibly feisty when angered; but it takes quite a lot to actually set off her fuse, as she’s good at controlling which emotions she shares. for the most part, she is incredibly blasé and even-tempered. additionally, she’s is a bit of a picaro because her primary aim with her life at this point is to be independent and liberated from any and all attachments to other people. mostly, though, she’s is nothing more than a girl who’s afraid; of what, she still can’t decide.

all in all, she’s so much of everything that she isn’t quite certain of her own identity. her character is one shrouded in secrets and shadows yet alluring and sensual. but, lbr, most of all she’s just deadass terrifying. one of her defining characteristics is her desire to make things happen for her through her own abilities and determination. obstinate as all get out, she doesn’t like to own up to making mistakes so she tries to prove that she’s almost invincible to them bc she doesn’t wanna let anyone see her vulnerable, or she doesn’t want to let someone down - this refers only to those that she’s actually close to. due to her apathetic nature, all she really wants to do is let most people down – people she finds boring and useless – and have some fun because of it. however, when it comes to people she truly has allowed herself to care about, her deepest desire is for their happiness because they must be pretty damn special for making her give a shit.

still, because of her evasive tendencies, she almost always does ruin things for herself and for others, even when she actually cares. she’s like a double-edged sword; when she finds something worthwhile, she sees so much beauty and potential in it, but she’s got a midas touch. whenever she wants to obtain it or pursue it, her involvement makes everything fall to ashes, and she is afraid of her own influence. despite her tendency to run away, once she latches on and decides to be truly loyal, she’ll be devoted in such an extent that she would undoubtedly kill for them.

she can be a loudmouth whenever she actually decides to speak, constantly fabricating outlandish stories and even going off like a deranged person, but beneath her caustic and frightening exterior, isla is rather pensive. on the occasion that she chooses to offer legitimate advice, it’s usually very elaborate and composed. still, she doesn’t want people to know about capable she is, or how intelligent she can be, so she hides her rare brilliance with a tough exterior and stoic personality.

idk if you can tell but i like diving into the specifics of my character like their star signs and stuff so i searched an amy dunne mbti and tweaked it bc it really helped describe her even further! she’s a intj !

introverted intuition (ni): isla sees everything around her in a world of symbols, of metaphors, and of potential. her narration will continually be littered with predictions, with ideas about how things are going to be and what will result from this or that. despite her brashness that some may assume is impulsivity, she is a planner, anticipating new “problems” and seeking to rectify them with her own twisted brand of justice. she tries to work everything into her overall system of understanding, of her big ideas about how the world works, including her take on her various false identities she possesses for her previous job as an escort but also to mess with the minds of others around her. she’s always disappointed by how the real world is never as good as the way she imagined it; she is perfect and nothing else can catch up with her expectations.

extroverted feeling (fe): despite her aloofness, and rather lack of any sort of emotional bearing, empathy, or any sort of true feeling, isla is conscious of how others’ perceive her, of the image she’s created, and of how key that social perception is to her success, even if it’s just in her own imagination. she restrains her real opinions in order to adapt to her environment, as she’s somewhat of a chameleon, only a few have had a chance to catch the true witch beneath the crown. she’s the mistress of change, easily altering her identities in order to better fit in with new people, should the situation require it. she’s easily devastated when she reveals her real personality to others, as in the past, some that she’s left truly see her have refused to accept her twisted true-self. even though she is wholesomely selfish and self-seeking, isla is very people-focused, and applies most of her intellect and analysis onto general people-based functions, that may she can have the confidence that she has clearly manipulated and analyzed every aspect of her environment, as she needs this to feel in control.

introverted thinking (ti): as mentioned, isla is highly analytical, always trying to see the why of a scenario, what’s behind human behavior, which turns her attention to psychology and manifests in her flair for anticipating the thoughts and actions of those around her; she is so obsessed with understanding why people tick that she looks past her own slighted judgment, as she herself could easily qualify as a sociopath/psychopath. she’s always trying to fit in any new experience, or piece of information, into her pre-established system of facts, and as such is rarely ever surprised. despite her apathy and lack of care for her life or how it progresses, she’s highly organized and loves to make checklists, arrangements for the future, and methodically ticks of her obligations, one by one. while her emotions and feelings are significantly suppressed, and even nonexistent, she makes up for that human trait with a very powerful mind, one that is quick to learn and adept with languages, memorization, and logic. however, she doesn’t want anyone to know just how brilliant and quick she is, as it’s her greatest asset, thus explaining why she chose not to be a member on the intellectual team.

extroverted sensing (se): isla tends to respond her physical environment with fierce analysis, as expressed in her intellectual capabilities. she’s almost incapable of living in the moment, contrary to how people suspect she is, considering she portrays herself as impulsive and cunningly excitable. in reality, though, even when she’s crossed off everything on her checklist, she’s almost incapable of relaxing, or enjoying the world around her, as she doesn’t find things that other people find beautiful. she struggles the most with the physical side of her plans, even though she is a very physical individual. she is very open with her body and indulges with the lusts of the flesh, as she sensuality is at the same level as her wickedness. along with this, isla craves for the environment that houses her figure to be pleasant and organized, and can’t stand when things are out of order.

[paranoid-fighter]

Original Fiction: Chapter 5 - “Not a date.”

Taadaa

Author’s Notes: I gave this just a quick edit, but I wanted to get it posted. Why? Because the story’s picking up. Also, I hope you enjoy it; feedback is greatly appreciated!

Word Count: 2550-ish

All characters and settings are original creations and belong to me.

Geoff didn't know much about Detective Elizabeth Hart past what he knew from rumors. She was said to be a no-nonsense woman and was known for having little patience for frivolities or idle chatter. It didn't make much sense to pair her with Jean-Claude - logically, at least. On paper, her working with Jean-Claude made sense; she would be able to see through the vampire's antics, but in application, he was still surprised that they had managed to work together for even a week, let alone years.

If her notes were anything to go by, it was clear she didn't much care for Jean-Claude at the start of their partnership but, as the years went by, she had grown fond of the centuries-old vampire.

The first several pages of the well-worn ledger were dedicated to the elf. She had started with a very dry description - height, weight, hair color, the usual run-down - before her tone changed. The following pages spanned several years, evident by the date next to each note; she had come to discuss his love for red wine, about how he'd always have her favorite chocolates waiting for her, his mannerisms and so on and so forth. It was amusing to read about Jean-Claude from her perspective, even if it wasn't helpful.

He flipped through her notes until he found a page simply entitled "ghouls."

With a deep breath, he leaned back in his chair as he began to read...

The first attack happened on the second day of October. The body had been found by one of Jean-Claude's vampires. It had been floating in the river, mostly eaten, and she hadn't been able to determine who the body belonged to. The teeth, fingerprints and feet were either missing, rotten or mangled. Elizabeth had tried a DNA test, but it yielded no results. She wrote that the body was probably one of the homeless men that filled the city, but her attempts to identify him with the other homeless in the area proved unfruitful.

The second attack happened a week before Halloween. Another gnawed body had been found in a back alley in the industrial district. The wounds appeared to be a combination of human and canine, she noted, but this time the victim's teeth were definitely removed by force, as evident by the saliva and bloody vice grips they found nearby. Much like the first victim, she couldn't identify this woman, no matter what she tried.

Detective Hart had contacted a necromancer, in hopes they could raise the woman's spirit for a short while. The necromancer had said that unless she could be provided some of the bones or flesh of the victim, she wouldn't be able to find her spirit. At the very bottom of the page, Elizabeth scrawled the words "useless corpsefucker."  

He hid his smirk as he turned the page, only to frown as he read about the next attack.

It happened on Halloween and had resulted in the death and consumption of four people. This time, though, weapons were used. She indicated that their throats appeared to have been slit, but it was hard to tell because of the bites. The only clear indication that weapons had been present were from the defensive wounds on the arms of the man that had appeared to die last. These four bodies were also mostly consumed, with only humanoid bites covering their flesh.

Of the four, only Diane Kirkpatrick had been identified.

Unfortunately, Diane Kirkpatrick was also identified as being a ghoul, as noted in her autopsy report.

Geoff's brow furrowed as he read and reread Elizabeth's notes. She had said it wasn't uncommon for ghouls to turn on one another when food was scarce, but how scarce could the food be when there were multiple bodies that were eaten? What's more, she was a relatively 'recent' ghoul. The useless corpsefucker had said that Diane Kirkpatrick must have been turned within a week of being found truly dead, covered in bites and lying in a heap with the other three corpses - two humans and a half-elf, all of whom were down-and-out on their luck.

The useless corpsefucker had also said that the fact Diane had been eaten showed that there was likely a pack of ghouls behind the attacks and that there probably were more attacks happening which had yet to be discovered. As noted by the necromancer - she had scribbled the woman's proper title over the crossed out insult - this kind of activity was unusual for ghouls. They typically operated alone, eating anyone and anything to feed their insatiable hunger, and that they didn't work together by choice.

The last note on the page was a single word: fuck.

He placed the journal down as he stared at the wall.

Within the first month, six bodies had been found. Six. Three women, three men, varying races... the only commonality they all had was that they all appeared to be homeless. Only one had appeared to truly fight back, while the other five appeared to have been either caught by surprise or were killed in their sleep. Even more worrisome was the fact the ghouls appeared to be coordinated in their attacks. Or, at the very least, they possessed enough sense to not outright cannibalize themselves. Still, though, how were they organizing themselves? Was there a central ghoul with more intelligence than the rest or was someone else pulling the strings? He was more inclined to think that there was a puppet master at work, but he couldn't rule out the thoery of an intelligent ghoul. He frowned as he knuckled his forehead; there were simply too many unknowns at this time.

He picked up the notebook after a moment and flipped back through Elizabeth's notes, all but frantically looking for the name of the necromancer. He had questions for the woman to answer...

Geoff's rumbling stomach disturbed the silent room.

Flushing, he looked over his shoulder at Griffith and felt a small wave of relief washing over him when he realized the half-elf hadn't reacted. He turned his gaze back to his new desk and frowned as he remembered his fully-packed lunchbox was sitting on the bottom shelf of his fridge. Geoff sighed and pushed himself away from the desk before standing. He stretched his arms over his head as the cracking of his elbows and spine jolted Griffith out of his work-enduced trance.

"Is it five already?" Griffith asked as he rubbed his tired eyes. "No, but it's lunch time, which is almost just as good." Geoff beamed. "I was going to head to the diner down the street for a sandwich - want to come along?" Griffith shook his head. "Not today, but I appreciate the offer." The half-elf gave him a small smile. "Maybe another time?" "Sure thing. Want me to bring you back anything?" Another shake of his head. "I'm fine; I brought lunch." Geoff nodded. "Back later, then. Have a good lunch." He gave the analyst a friendly smile before leaving the room. Once outside, his smile faded as he shoved his hands into his pocket and made a beeline for the diner...

Geoff sank down into his usual booth and gave Ester a smile as she grabbed an old mug and a pot of coffee before walking up to the table. "You're back sooner than expected," she said as she placed a mug of coffee in front of the officer. "Left my lunch at home," Geoff mumbled. "And here I was thinking you just wanted to see me again." She pulled out her order pad. "The usual, then?" "Yup. Do you have cho--" "Yes. We have chocolate cake. Do you want whipped cream with that cake?" Ester laughed at the boyish delight on Geoff's face. "Is the sky blue?" His smile grew. "As blue as your eyes," she scribbled down his name on the slip - Sal would know exactly what to make - and tucked it back into her apron. "I'll bring everything out when it's ready." He gave her a smile as she walked away. Once alone, he sank down into the seat and cradled the coffee mug between his calloused hands. He found himself wishing he had brought Elizabeth's ledger with him as he sipped his coffee; it would've been good to keep reading as he waited...

Geoff was pulled from his thoughts as Ester came back with his order. "That was fast," he watched as she balanced the tray on ohe hand. Ester began placing plates in front of the officer, starting with the cheesesteak. "Sal started making the cheesesteak as soon as he saw you. He didn't even need me to put the order in." She put the last plate on the table and stood back. Geoff stared at the plate; it was almost entirely covered with whipped cream. He picked up his spoon and cautiously poked the cream. "Is this my cake?" "Yep." He poked it again as he bit back a smile. "Why'd you drown it in whipped cream?" "I thought you'd like it; you seemed down when you walked in," Ester glanced over to the neighboring table. "Enjoy your lunch. I'll swing back soon to refill your coffee." "You're the best, Ester," he picked up an onion ring as he dropped a heaping spoonful of whipped cream into his coffee.

Halfway through the cheesesteak, Geoff's phone buzzed on his hip.

Shifting his sandwich to one hand, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked the screen with a few taps from his thumb. He found himself dreading reading the message, all but certain it'd be Jean-Claude bitching about something...

Instead, he found himself staring down at a message from Vincent. He dropped his lunch as he held his phone with both hands, all but quivering in anticipation as he read the text.

Landed this morning - just got home. Drinks tonight? My treat. 

Grinning ear-to-ear, he immediately typed out a reply and then stared at it. His grin lessened as he reread the embarassingly enthusiastic text. Vincent had only been gone for a month; there was no need for that many exclamation marks. With a sigh, he erased the message and tapped out a new one...

Three minutes later, he finally replied with: Sounds good. When and where?

His sandwich became a distant memory as he stared at the screen. He chewed on his bottom lip while he waited for the elf's reply. He didn't know where Vincent would want to go. There were a lot of different places they had gone to for drinks over the years and they had amassed a small collection of favorites. It was generally a toss-up between two places, though: a hole-in-the-wall craft brewery or an up-scale cocktail lounge with an impressive wine list. He didn't care much for wine, but Vincent liked it. If they went there, though, he'd actually have to wear something nice--

Five Birds at seven? Your favorite food truck is there tonight.

Geoff's grin came back in full force - they were going to the low-key brewery and he'd be able to get loaded tater tots for dinner.

But, more importantly, Vincent would be there.

Sounds great; see you tonight, he leaned over the table, propping his chin up on his hand as he stared down at his phone. He kept smiling as his mind wandered; Vincent was back in town, had suggested they go to Geoff's favorite bar and, what's more, Vincent even knew which of the many food trucks in the city was his favorite. Logically, he knew that Vincent had nothing to do with the truck being at Five Birds, but that didn't stop him from thinking--

"My, my, looks like someone just got some good news," Ester crooned as she refilled Geoff's coffee. The officer jumped as he dropped his phone, frantically scanning his surroundings before staring up at the waitress. "w-What?" "Not often I see you stop in the middle of eating to answer your phone. I figured it had to be something important and, if the smile on your face is anything to go by, you've just gotten a hot date lined up." "Date...? No, no. Not at all. Just meeting a friend for drinks." He shook his head as he slid his phone back into his pocket. "Not a date." "You sure about that?" "Completely. Not a date." Ester stared at him for a moment more before nodding. "Alright then. Have fun getting drinks on your not-date, then."  She placed the bill for his lunch on the table before leaving.

Geoff pulled out his wallet and placed a few bills down before turning his attention back to his half-eaten sandwich. He resumed eating, albeit slower than normal, as his thoughts began to race.

Was it actually a date? He was meeting Vincent tonight at a bar, but that's what they normally did. Did that make all their previous meetings dates, too? For that matter, what even was a date? Weren't dates supposed to be going to nice restaurants and giving flowers and wearing clothes that made him feel awkwardly out of place? Even if their casual meet-ups for drinks together at a bar were somehow classified as dates, that would imply that he and Vincent were dating. And they most certainly were not dating. They were simply two friends who liked spending time with each other. Which is what friendship was. Because, he nodded to himself, two friends could go out for drinks and it wouldn't be a date.

Besides, it was a date, that'd be gay. And he was not--

Geoff sighed; he couldn't even finish the thought.

He knew he was gay. He had known it for years, but he had yet to do anything with that knowledge. It wasn't for a lack of desire, though. He wanted nothing more than to explore and act on the urges he had buried for over a decade, but he kept sabotaging himself and he knew it. No matter what he tried, he found himself runing it in some way or another.

Maybe tonight would be different. His pulse quickened as he thought about seeing Vincent again, about seeing the smile that always made his days a little brighter. Maybe tonight he'd finally--

He took another bite of his sandwich, only to catch his lip instead. He ran his tongue over the bleeding skin and frowned. It was typical; he had been on the verge of making a revelation, only to subconsciously ruin the moment before any life-changing realizations could occur.

Like always.

With a heavy heart, he ate the last few bites of his sandwich before turning his attention to the cake, doing his level best to not think about anything that even reminded him of Vincent...

[love-msj]

out of character.

@angelwingsisme2 Thank you for welcoming me. Also thank you for sending me the link. It kept taking me to your page. I was however able to see the start or beginning. But if there is more that comes after Sam signed the contract it didn't open. But I thank you all the same.

So the reason I linked that to you is because my partner hadn’t technically reblogged the very ending to it. However you should have seen the entire thread. You maybe confusing yourself lol, because that’s the completed story I linked. However, I took the liberty of copying and pasting the entire thing within this post for you. It may make life easier if you actually followed the pages as well. But if you are new to tumblr, meaning freshly new, it takes tumblr 2-3 days to recognize your page so some things are limited. Either way the story is below for you and I hope this time it works out for you darling. If not, I could give you the gist of the ending. 

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes was actually running late, which she assumed was also apart of her crappy luck for the month. She’s been dodging public settings and burying herself in work, placing Yara Shahidi on this month’s cover sparked great controversy for the magazine not to mention the inspirational young woman’s interview that filled exactly five pages within the nearly two-hundred plus that were printed. She was getting the recognition she deserved for a job well done however, it was over-shadowed by her current deportation situation. As her driver came to a stop she lunge out the limo before the car could really come to a stop. Scurrying quickly all you heard was the clicking of heels and shuffling of feet as she all but ran and people moved out of the bosses way. She rushed to the elevator and pushed the up button feverishly, she watched as it moved slowly before she looked to the one next to it. She turned around and looked at the other two and when the bell dung she scurried to the other side jumping on. “I’m sorry Ms. Jones” a guy said climbing off the elevator “yeah, yeah, yeah” she said rushing him out before she pressed the buttons to close the door in his face. She had to interview the candidates that would play her husband for a time, so she could sort this big mess out. Once she reached her floor she stepped off to see it completely covered with candidates. Her eyes were wide taking the various men in, “damn” she said to herself. “Good morning” Amy said as she rushed up towards Mercedes grabbing the woman’s purse she handed over Mercedes books. “It’s a lot of men here” she said despite Mercedes having realized the obvious.

“I see” she said sighing, it would be a long day for her she was sure. Looking around she moved to the center of the room just standing there. She opened her journal to see a list of men names stapled that her assistant drew up. The chattering in the room was annoying her and making her already hurting head hurt more as she tried to imagine getting through them all. “Excuse me!” she said loudly “can I get some order in the room?” she asked the men. She untied the belt to her coat and removed it tossing it on Amy’s desk. Amy grabbed the coat putting it away properly. “There is one of me and about a hundred” she said flipping the pages “and fifty of you” she said. “I won’t strain my voice and I won’t repeat myself. You talk, you leave. You don’t answer truthfully, you leave. You don’t give me respect, you leave” she listed as she paced a bit looking to the list still. “You annoy me” she said looking up “you leave” she told them all looking around the room.

SAM EVANS

Sam kept a skeptical eye on the horde of men in the room. He nervously chewed on the corner of his fingernail, trying to decide if being a member of this cattle call was even worth it.  “You shouldn’t bite your nails you know. Penelope says It’s not civilized.” Addison commented casually, as her finger slid over the glass touchscreen of her tablet. Samuel glanced down to his hand, and spat out the piece of nail between his teeth.  With a resolved sigh he tucked his hand into his armpits and looked down at his sister, “Yeah, well, she would know.” He said crisply.  Addison idealized Penelope. It was the only reason the woman put up with Tom baby sitting the girl from time to time. Thus he tried not to speak ill about the woman in Addison’s hearing. “Mhm,” She said, nodding satisfied that her brother had conformed to her wishes. “She also says I should wear more dresses, so grain of salt.” She shrugged nonchalantly. Sam chest shook as he laughed at the smaller blond.  She laid her tablet down on her lap, and looked up to Sam liquid blue eyes intent. “We don’t have our apartment anymore. Do we?” Sam’s face fell, he ran his hand through his hair as he knelt down next to Addison.  He plucked her beany from her head and smooth down her blond locks.  “Umm, I’m going to find us a new home.  One where you have your own bedroom. You were to big for that place.”  Addison blinked huge old eyes at her brother.  He was lying. Whenever he ran his hand through his hair she knew he was about to lie to her. She nodded sadly, already missing there small studio apartment. “That’s why I haven’t been back to school yet, huh?” Sam began chewing on his fingernail again. “Yeah,” He agreed around his nail. “But next week. You’ll be back in school…”

Sam trailed off moving back to his feet as the mood in the room shifted. All the men were fixed on the center off the room, on something or someone he couldn’t see.  Addison noticed the change as well, and stood on her folding chair trying to get a better look. Sam followed suit going up on his tip toes.   Still their efforts were useless. A woman’s voice cut through the chatter, and Sam strained to make out what she was saying. He only caught snatches but the gist he gathered was, it wouldn’t take much for him or any of them to be dismissed. Dropping back down flat on his feet, he sighed and looked to Addy again. “Maybe we should go.  This is a long shot anyway.”  Addy jumped down off the chair, “So, I guess that lady with the accent is the boss, huh?” She smirked broadly at her older male twin.  “Yeah.” Sam said, grabbing her coat. Addison looked around at the office, it was nice and she was able to connect to the internet. “Let’s stay for a little while. This is the nicest place you’ve ever interviewed?” She stuck out her bottom lip and held up five small fingers.  He sighed and nodded draping her coat back on the chair. “You know one day that pout isn’t going to work right?” Sam mumbled leaning back against the wall. He didn’t have anything to lose, what harm could a few more minutes do?  Addy plopped back down in the chair, eyes going back to her tablet as she thought slyly.  But it worked today….

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes continued to look at the paper before her trying to understand how she’d go about this. Her brain working a mile a minute in the moment, before she looked up again. “Background checks?” Mercedes asked Amy looking to her licking her lips slowly as she did. Amy rushed over with said paper having organized them in categories, Mercedes skimmed the pages quickly looking for anything legal that stood out. “Davis, Sampson, Williams… Jamal and David, Jones, Davis…Terry Davis, Copeland, Foster….” she said listing off sixty different men who either have been to jail for anything from felonies or worst. “You are all dismissed, I guess I should’ve added in bold print on the ad. No criminals” she said watching the men leave one after the other. After that she looked to see how many ex-husbands and fathers there were, she truly didn’t need any of that in the mist of her grand scheme. She called out twenty men who have been divorced in the last five years or had more than one kid. “Okay, that’s that” she said licking her lips again. “Okay, I am going to group you guys together” she said getting their attention again. “Last name, A-E” she said “can you please move over here” she directed. “Last name, F-J. Right here” she pointed. “Last name, K-O. There” she said gesturing. “Last name, P-T” she pointed simply not saying anything more. “U-Y” she called out pointing, “Z” she finalized as she pointed.

SAM EVANS

Sam’s hand absently moved back up to his mouth. He gnawed his nail, as he waited on something to happen. “Hey hand me my folder will you.  The one I put in your bookbag.” Addy rolled her eyes, then slipped from the chair and unzipped her bag, pulling out his folder.  “Here.” She said roughly handing it to him.  “Thanks!” He said taking it from her fingers.  He looked to the front of the room as the woman with the accent began to speak again.  He squinted listening for his name intently.  Not hearing his name, he pushed off the wall preparing to leave, ��Whelp.” He stopped short as she dismissed that entire batch of applicants.  His spirits lifted a bit. Maybe he had a chance after all. After another group of men were dismissed he smiled down at his sister. “So far so good.” He beamed, pursing his lips as Addy offered him  a halfhearted thumbs up. “Okay you stay put. you hear me?” he said, moving over to the “E” designated section of the room.

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes nibbled her lip watching as everyone moved to their set spot, she was nervous as hell for obvious reasons. “Resumes?” she asked holding her hand out as she moved towards the A-E line. The few that handed her one got a pleasant smile from her for the first time “okay, so those without one can exit” she said with another smile. She looked the men over before she walked away and moved to the next sections repeatedly asking for resumes until she condensed seventy men down to fifty. Satisfied she placed them on Amy’s desk, whom went missing abruptly, she shrugged that off before saying. “Who here has experience with memorization?” she asked broadly. “Let’s be truthful with our answers please. I don’t have much time to waste” she told them all. “I need someone who’s hands on, great with memorization, someone who is convincingly dedicate to this cause, someone who is dependable day and night, who can work along side me - at my beckoning call when I ask” she said as she looked to Amy as she walked back into the area with a little girl in hand. The little girl had a snack and cup of juice. “Who’s little girl?” she asked curiously.

SAM EVANS

Sam’s fingers fumbled as he removed his resume’ from the folder.  He waited, paper in hand, as the tiny, sculpted woman moved up the line. Though towering over her, his eyes were trained on her lips.  An old habit that he’d never managed to break.  He always felt that people could see his sins if he looked in to their eyes. He watched as her perfect lips formed into a smile.  His green eyes pushed there way up her face to hold her brown ones for the briefest of moments, before she was on to the next person in the line.

The woman, Amy, had offered her snacks, and  despite Sam’s warning, Addy couldn’t turn down that down.  She was 99% sure Amy didn’t own a pedo van. She bit into her bagel with cream cheese, smiling up at the nice lady, as they made there way back into the main room.  Addy’s eyes went saucers size at the woman’s words. She looked to Sam quickly, knowing she was in hot water.

Sam’s finger shot up at her question about memorization. When she piled on more requirements he noticed the hesitation in other so he raised his hand higher, the more she added. If the pay was right, he would be her foot stool.  Sam’s eyes followed the woman’s noting that something had caught her attention. His hand lowered slowly to his side as in trotted Addy with the woman’s assistant. “I told you not to move.” He mouthed lips tight, to a nervous looking Addison. He sighed, “Ummm, she’s my little sister. I’m sorry.” He apologized moving to collect his sister.

“I’m Addison Joy Evans.” She piped up, staring the woman directly in the eyes.  “You’re Mercedes Simone Jones. You’re the boss of Teen Vogue and you are the woman who is going to hire my big brother.”

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes continued to stare at the little girl before she noticed the gentlemen, when he spoke up she gave him her full and undivided attention. Her eyes darted from the man to the little girl as she spoke up. Mercedes folded her arms over her chest, letting her speak, she didn’t say anything and despite her weeding children out earlier she was very much a infatuated with children and family. “Am I?” Mercedes asked the little girl with a raised brow as they stared each other down. “How could you be so very sure?” she asked her next. The little girl intrigued Mercedes, though adding children into her plan was not apart of the equation at all, it was conflicting.

SAM EVANS

Addy leaned in and tilted her head, “Where is Trinidad?” She asked curiously, as Sam approached her. Sam placed his hands on her slight shoulders. “Sorry again. she spends to much time online.” He used her shoulders to guide her, back to her things. Addison planted her feet, and looked back to the brown eyed woman.  “Because he is strong, nice, and he has been taking care of me since my mother went to heaven.” She thought for moment before finishing. “That means he can do anything.” “Let’s go, Addy.” Sam’s face, was long and pained .  There wasn’t a job in the world that would hire you after they found out you brought a child with you to the interview.

MERCEDES JONES.

At the little girl’s question Mercedes eyebrows rose to her hairline, the nerve of the little thing to tell her her whole life history in her office. She was shocked, she never once thought as she dug up information on these men that they would in fact be doing the same. “Trinidad is southern most nation in the Caribbean, extremely close to Venezuela” she told the little girl matter-of-factually. Mercedes continued to watch the man gather his little sister and her things, she took in his entire in comparison to others, and she listened at his sister’s next statement. Looking to Amy for a moment, she sighed softly. The poor little girl had no mother, she couldn’t imagine her life having been the same. “You can stay” she said as she moved to collect the resumes. “Amy keep her entertained” she said as she moved to open her office doors “the first group can join me in here” she told them “I’ll be conducting group interviews” she told them. She looked to the men before she said “that means A-E, you move any slower you can slowly walk out of my building instead…” she told them before feet begin to shuffle.

SAM EVANS

“The Caribbean, wow. You grew up on an island? Cool.” Addison pursed her lips, hanging her head a bit as Sam scurried her away. “I’m sorry, but she asked.“ she told him putting on her jacket. She poked her head around Sam’s waist beaming, wiggling her eyebrows. “Good Luck!” Sam let out a relieved sigh when she said he could stay. Almost running to join the other men, “Be good for Amy.” He said pointing to the assistant as he quickly disappeared with the other men.

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes looked to the child again, a bit of a smirk at the corner of her mouth not to much to be noticeable but just enough. She closed the door behind the last man and she moved to her desk “I apologize for the lack of chairs. I didn’t really expect to see this many men, here” she told them honestly. “Anyhow, upfront I want to ask, if any of you have any governmental employment in your work history?” she said. “We here at Vogue doesn’t discriminate against our beloved government, however it would be a conflict of interest” she told him. when no one spoke up she said “great” before she moved to sit down. “First thing first, all your background checks cleared. Which is good. I don’t have any felons, divorcees, heavily populated offspring dwellers, or drug addicts on my hands thanks to the drug test that were performed ahead of time. Thank you for that” she said looking down her list of things. “So, this job pays very well. You couldn’t imagine how well. It comes with housing as well” she told them all. “However, I can only pick one man out of you and the other’s in there” she pointed. “Sell yourself to me. Each of you in 5 minutes to sell yourself. However you want, tell me whatever you need to. Better yet before we get there. If you had a choice between pitching to me yourself and a glass of water which would you choose?” she asked them all. “A few said water, of course” and she scanned the room looking to the blonde hoping he didn’t disappoint her by picking the wrong answer.

SAM EVANS

Sam’s nerves caused him to fidget as self doubt started to rear it’s self deprecating head. As she asked about Government jobs he locked his legs in place and prayed. Not to God but to his mother for courage. The prayer held until she asked them to sell themselves. Panic put his mind and body into a vice and began to squeeze. How was he supposed to do that?  He was poor, white, trash. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, the words ‘you ain’t shit’ sounding off in his head. Years of  mental punches given courtesy of his father. ‘you should just turned tricks like your mother.’ His hands clench in to fist by his side. He opened his eye anger, over coming his panic. Did she say water? He thought furrowing his brows. ‘Idiots,’ he thought. Shocked that anyone would choose water.  “I’d rather pitch.” He announced braking over the chatter in the room. He stepped around the man just in front of him, holding her gazed as he did. He had to say this before he lost his nerve. “I ain’t shit. I don’t have much, some would say I’m poor, white trash. I’m most likely unqualified for this job. Whatever it is.“ He said hurling his father’s words as if purging himself. “That said, I’m quick on my feet and have a sharp mind. Aside from that.”  He quieted and stared deep into her eyes. His soul shivered at being so exposed but he needed to know. Nodding, his decision made, “I promise you that as long as whatever this is doesn’t come between me and Addy.  You have my life, my loyalty and…” He added as an almost after thought, “And my complete confidence.”

MERCEDES JONES.

Mercedes waited and she noticed the man in the back as he made his way forward, the blonde. He said he ‘wasn’t shit’ and her eyes squinted a bit at him, where in the hell was he going with this she didn’t know but it better had been good. As he continued she rested her hands on her desk top, letting him get it all out, he had 5 minutes after all. He was desperate that much she gathered, he had nothing and apparently no one but his little sister. But would he be stable enough to pull this off, she had doubts about that. But she asked him to sell himself and he was, at least he was trying. He wasn’t well put together, he could play the background which was the exact ting she told them that he did. Stayed in the background. But the kid added a curve ball to things because she didn’t mention her. Plus this guy didn’t look to be the kind of guy that could seduce and coax her into anything. He was a scruffy little fella. Nothing she pictured, but she had a heart, and the rest of the men there had better background then he did, she already picked him out when she searched the resumes earlier. “What is your name?” she asked him.

SAM EVANS

He couldn’t tell if he’d gotten through to her or not. But damn! He felt, somehow, better then he had in years.  He could leave with that if nothing else.  His chest heaved, and his eyes dropped down to her nose a bit. When she asked his name his eyes went back to hers, “Names, Samuel Levy Evans.” He said swallowing down a lump in his throat.

MERCEDES JONES.

“Well” Mercedes breathed as she held out her hand to him hesitantly “Mr. Evans, you just won yourself a job. I hope I can trust you. Please, don’t let me down” she told him serious as she shook his hand for a moment pulling it away. “Thanks gentle, I appreciate you being here” she told them. She hoped she made the right decision because if not she’d pay for it, abundantly. Parts of her were sure and other were not, he seemed so flaky but his honesty won her over. At least he was honest about that, it would her feel like he was honest about the rest. She stood up escorting the men towards her door and out of it. She looked to Amy and the same little girl she said “you can send the rest of them home, I’ve made my choice. Thanks again” she said in a somber tone. Her gut told her she was doing the right then, her mind was telling her she was going to fail. “Mr. Evans you can go with Amy she’ll lead you the rest of the way through” she said giving Amy a knowing look before she moved back into her office.

SAM EVANS

Sam watched her face as her hand extended towards him.  He didn’t believe in miracles, but this felt like one. He stepped to the desk’s edge and caught her hand in his.  “I won’t.” He said simply and honestly. He couldn’t.  He had only a passing thought about what she wanted him to do.  Somehow the idea of being a man servant kept popping into his head.  The idea seemed like a strong one. Live in, good memorization skills, while making good money. Sam Evans butler, wasn’t the life he’d seen for himself but it sure as hell beat being turned into a bitch. He moved to her nodding as she asked him to go with Amy. He stopped once level with his new employer.  “Thank you, again.” He said, before moving out of the room. His face lit up as he approached Addy, “I got the job!” He mouthed, opening his arms to his sister. Addy jumped into his arms, hugging his neck tightly.  “Told you.“ He shook his head against her neck. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know your psychic.” He held lowered her back to the floor, looking toward Amy, “What’s next?”

MERCEDES JONES.

Moved back into her office and released a loud breath as she stood with her back against her office doors. This would be the point in time when she knew she should just face the consequences to her own mistake. Why bring her assistant, a estranged man and his little sister in it? With the possibility of it not working shadowing her like a heavy burden. She swallowed hard as she exhaled again her chin quivering, she was going to lose everything and take three people down with her. It was selfish, but what would come of her being set back home and losing everything? She worked so hard, not just for herself but for her family. She built them a life beyond their wildest dreams, she couldn’t let them down, especially not her grandmother. The woman believed in her so much, she poured into Mercedes, it would just be a slap to the face if it would was flushed down the drain. She sniffled, quickly wiping a stray tear as she exhaled a third time.

Amy looked to Mercedes and then Mr. Evans, she honestly didn’t know what she was set to do next. They talked about it briefly but not enough to play along now. “Uh” she said looking to him as she tried to think of something quick. “I, uh” she stammered. “Well congratulations” she told him immediately. “Give me on second” she said lifting a finger as she moved to walk into Mercedes office knocking twice before she did. “With all do respect Ms. Jones, I have no clue what I am suppose to be doing right now” she whispered as she closed the door. “What is it that we are suppose to be doing right now?” she asked her.

Mercedes stood before her desk, sitting on it idly shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know” she said softly. “How do I tell someone, your job is to marry me to keep me in the states. This had to be the dumbest idea I’ve ever thought of” she told her. “I don’t know what’s next….”

SAM EVANS

“Thank you.” Sam said hesitantly.  “Do I need to do some paperwork or watch a video.“ He fidgeted for a moment before adding, “She mention something about housing” He said trying to help. As she moved towards Mercedes office, he turned Addy towards the chairs.  “Come on Addy, I guess we should go sit down.”

MERCEDES JONES.

“Well you have to do something because he’s out there, you promised him a job, and housing” Amy said seriously.

“Do you realize what you are doing?” Mercedes asked her “who could imagine what they would do to us if we get caught” she breathed out dropping her head back. “I didn’t think this through. I have completely lost my mind this will never work” she told her assistant.

“You know what I see that other people don’t?” Amy asked Mercedes seriously. “I see a hardworking woman, who diligently changed the face of one of the most important magazines in the World. You taught me the importance of being a strong woman in today’s society. In a male driven society, I’ve seen men bow at your feet and beg. You give to the poor. You feed the needy. You take your family on a vacation 3 times a year. You send as many cousins and family members, goods, clothing, whatever they need you give them. I don’t know much about island life but what I know is you are making their’s better each issue, each article, each ad at a time” she breathed. “Those men don’t see that, maybe the United States don’t see it but I do. I know the importance of you being here. I know what this all means to you. I am willing to give up a little piece of me to ensure you stay because I see all the good even when everyone else sees the bad” Amy told her. “We are here, it’s done, tell him what he’s here for. And honestly threaten his ass if he flakes” she said sternly before she covered her mouth with her hand slightly.

Mercedes looked to Amy folding her arms over her chest, her look was serious and off-putting but the more the girl talked the more her face fell. She was a private person but Amy would know her best, she never really realized how much she paid attention however. He family did mean the World to her and for the most part, she was doing it for them. So Amy was right, she needed to do this despite the guilt she felt at the moment. What was do, was already done and she couldn’t go back home. At her last statement Mercedes actually laughed, something that was foreign to the people around her. Under the hard shell and many layers was a bright and loving individual. “It seems I have no choice.”

SAM EVANS

Sam’s head laid back against the wall. He stared intently at the door behind which a portion of his future lay.  Or was this job to good to be true. Boy,It was starting to feel that way.  Amy was completely lost, she had no idea what to do with him, Why? Sitting up, his anger flared. “Addison, get your coat on.” he ordered. “What?” Addy shrieked.  “I don’t think there is a job.” He said, getting to his feet. He snatched up his sister’s book bag, holding if for her as she slowly shoved her arm in her jacket, wordlessly.

MERCEDES JONES.

Opening the door to her office Mercedes looked to the blonde, the little pathetic man her wife now depended on. “Going somewhere?” she asked him folding her arms over her chest again, for a woman who was ripping at the seams she tried her best to keep it together.

“I’ll go get those documents for you right now Ms. Jones, sorry about that hiccup” the girl lied scurrying off down the fall.

Mercedes looked to her nodding her as she played along, there were no damn documents. However she was sure Amy would come up with something, she was quick on her feet. “I thought I prepped her on everything, I didn’t so you get to spend this lovely evening with me” she said directing her office. “If you don’t touch a single thing little one you can sit at Amy’s desk…” Mercedes said looking to his sister.

SAM EVANS

Cold shock ran up his spine as her version of English rang out crisp in the air. He turned to face her, handing Addy her backpack, “Yeah I got the impression…” he was cut off by Amy apologizing and leaving the area at almost a dead run. “I’m sorry..  I made an assumption.” He confessed, green eyes bright, “My apologies.” He added, hoping his haste hadn’t cost him a job.

MERCEDES JONES.

“Apologies are nothing more but excuses I don’t care to hear either don’t apologize just correct yourself, and you are wasting my time doing so Mr. Evans. Get in my office or leave” she told him sternly. “Again, your sister can sit at Amy’s desk, I don’t like repeating myself so don’t make me do so” she told him. “You need a new wardrobe” she pointed out as she moved into her office, she paged the ever present Charlie. “I need a makeover, it’s a true task” she said looking back to Samuel. “Think Kid Rock… I need Josh Upshaw” she said and Charlie whistled on the other end. “I know, I owe you” she sighed. “Make it quick though” she warned as she hung up. “Make over, you’d have a lot of material to remember, by housing I meant rooming with me, you get close to six hundred thousand dollars from this job” she explained. “I need you to fake a marriage with me, it is very important” she told him. “You are basically all that I have at the moment to do this successfully. Amy is going to teach you everything about me, almost anything you could need to know” she told him.

SAM EVANS

“Noted.” Sam said emotionless, as she chastised him.  He stood for a second, jaw clenched as the flight option began to look appealing.

Addy placed both hands on her brother’s rear and gave him a hard shove. “Get going. You think to much.” She fussed, already moving  towards Amy’s desk.

Sam looked back at this sister, “Alright, you don’t have to push.” He chuckled. The truth was her bark was nothing. He was an uneducated member of the workforce, being bossed around was pare for the course. He looked down at his clothes as she mentioned makeover. ‘Yep’ he thought, ‘Man servant.’ He moved into her office, and stood behind the chair facing her desk, as she made her phone call.  He tried to imitate the butlers he had seen on TV as a child, standing hands behind his back, chin pointed up. His brows moved down his face a she so openly, berated his looks, however what did it matter, when did you ever see a butler look like him. His mouth hit the floor, “Did you just say? He moved around the chair dropping in the seat, mouth hanging open. Unblinking, his eyes were fixed on the woman’s nose.  “Let me get this straight.” He said hands going through his shaggy hair. “You are willing to give us room and board. /And/ a little over half a million dollars. For me to marry you? A” He hesitated snapping his fingers. “A green card marriage?”  

MERCEDES JONES.

The woman stared at him the least bit amused “first of all, don’t refer to it as such” she told him. “And I guess so…” she replied back to him. “Trust me this is the last thing I want to do, but I have to do it. So yes, room and board, a little over a half a million dollars, and I guess a few months of your time” she told him as she licked her lips. “If you don’t want to do it, I completely understand” she said seriously.

SAM EVANS

Sam’s eyes dropped to the carpet between his feet, as he sat hunched over in the chair.  What she offered was more then he’d seen in his life time. Even if, she wasn’t willing to name it? “No, I’ll do it. Can I ask for one additional thing? My sister’s school. Even once this partnership has dissolved, she remains in the school near your home.” he said eyes still on the ground.

MERCEDES JONES.

“You want her in a private school and want me to use my money and connections to get her there and keep her there?” she asked him curiously trying to follow his statement. She was still on the fence, it would take her a few days to really consider this all herself. “You aren’t even going to take time to think about this, you are just all in so easily?” she asked the man.

SAM EVANS

Sam sat back and rubbed his chin for a moment, considering her question. “I never thought about private school…“  He mumbled thinking out loud. “Private school, private school.. Could you use your connections to get her in? Access to an education like that… it could change her life.” Sam shrugged. This was still a game and at any point the rules could change. “You still have to actually show me the money. But as for the rest… I’ve already given you my word.  It’s you who has to do the considering. You have to trust a guy like me with your secrets, in your home. A woman like you?” I figure I’m on some kind of trial bases anyway.”

MERCEDES JONES.

“Why would I care you kept her in a public school nearby my home?” she asked the man curiously. He was going to be headache that she saw very clear now, very clear. “I could do something yes, by connections I mean my money. But however you word it…” she as she dropped her hands to her desk gripping it lightly. “You don’t think I have half a million dollars?” she questioned laughing at the man in his face. “You are question what I am good for?” she said as she stood upright. “Cash or check?” she asked him sarcastically. Who in the hell did this guy think he was talking to? “I don’t have time for a trail bases Mr. Evans. This is urgent if you haven’t noticed my career maybe even my sanity is on the line” she said as she rounded her desk. “I don’t have time for games and jokes” she added. “The most you’ll get from me today, fifty thousand of the pay out, a contract to sign, and the date and time you get to move into your new home. If you run with the money. Jokes on me. If you stay, you prove your word is your bond by memorizing everything you can about me and proving to be the best fake fiance you can be to get the rest of your money and your sister’s entrance into the best private school in the area. And I’ll do my best to keep up my part of the fantasy, learning everything about you though I don’t there is much I’d have to” she told him looking him up and down, there were no questions there. Only statements

SAM EVANS

“You are putting words in my mouth. I simply meant no money has changed hands yet.” Sam said, looking around the office face impassive. “You have all the power here. A blind man could see that.” The idea that he had offended her was laughable, he would lose if this charade didn’t work not her. He listened to her second lecture of the day, letting the words wash over him.  She took nearly everything he said out of context, or maybe he just didn’t have the proper words to communicate with someone on her level. It was of little importance though, a nail didn’t have to understand a hammer. He nodded, ear marking the important statements, fifty thousand up front, contract, date and time.  He smirk at her last dig, he was used to low blow comments like hers, he was raised on them. “Any thing else?” He asked getting to his feet. He didn’t care to be talked down to and looked down on at the same time. He would  have left her office. -Told her to keep her money. But he could see something he’d never dream of. A future where Addison could have an office like this one, money to spare.  A future where she didn’t get talked to like a nobody. He would endure every bruise this woman, or anyone else gave if it meant she never had to live in filth anymore. His fiance? Was a piece of work. he could see why she was hiring a husband. No man in his right mind would take on a woman like this.  “I can handle those terms. Like I said, you have my word.”

MERCEDES JONES.

“Hm” Mercedes said as he replied back to her, she didn’t like his tone. But she didn’t say too much she knew the woman she could become and she rather not be that person today. “Good” she said lowly “you can see Amy now, that’s who will turn out to be your best friend during all of this” she added as she moved to snatch up the folders from her desk. “I have things I have to get to” she told him “excuse me” she added as she walked out of the office completely. Meeting Amy at the door she looked to the child before she said “I’ll keep you posted, we may have to call some of those men back, hold on to those resumes and background checks” she told her discreetly as she walked away. “He’s all yours buttercup” she added sarcastically.

SAM EVANS

Sam wordlessly inclined his head as he moved to back out of the office.  He slowed though as she left ahead of him.  Scratching his head, was he supposed to leave or stay?  Finally he shrugged, she told him to go see Amy after all, and he was supposed to follow direction at once. He made it out of the room just as he was released to his handler? he looked down at Amy, moving to clear Mercedes path.  “Hi, I’m ready when you are.”

MERCEDES JONES.

Looking to Samuel, Amy handed over the contract “please sign this” she told him. “Here is the fifty grand” she said handing over the small tote bag “it’s in cash” she told him. “And I will meet you at this address on February twenty-first at exactly 3 pm” she told him. “You will move all your things in that day, if you need a mover let me know. Text me at this number” she pointed. “Once there I will tell you some things you need to know and get you situated in the apartment” she told him. “That is all” she said offering a slight but not too convincing smile.

SAM EVANS

Samuel scratched the side of his face then took the contracts from the lady. He flipped through the pages, only understand half of what it said. Turning back to the first page, everything finally clicked. “Prenup.” He mumbled, impressed by how clever this was.  He eyed the bag, letting it hang in the air for a moment, before he tucked the contract under his arm and slowly took the satchel. All of this had seemed like a joke, until the weight of fifty thousand was in his hands.  As she continued to speak he moved over to the desk and picked up a pen preparing to sign the papers. He hesitated, then flipped to the middle of the document. There it spelled out what he would get in the event of a divorce. All of it was there except the bit about Addy’s schooling. He read the passage over several times, then reread the whole document trying to commit it to memory.  “Cool,” he said, eyes going back to Amy.  "I need to be at this address at 3 pm on the 21st, check. He finally scribbled his name on the line provided. There wasn’t much cause for fear, this entire transaction was illegal. She had to depend on his word and he on hers. “Addy, get your things. It’s time to go.” he said, handing the paper work back to the woman. “Thank You.“ he said soberly, then took his sister’s hand. “Thank You Ms. Amy I have a blast.” Addy grinned, deciding that a hug would have been to much. Sam glanced toward his fiance’ door, then back to Amy, “We’ll be there.” he offered again before he moved to the elevators, pushing the down button.

MERCEDES JONES.

Amy watched the man, her hands clasped before her skirt as she waited for him to read the documents and sign them. “I hope it’s clear and straight forward” she told him. Amy nodded her head slowly “mhm” she told him as he repeated everything back to her. “Thank you and have a great day” Amy told Sam and she looked down at Addy, “so did I sweetheart” Amy said with a smile as Samuel set off to go. “See you then” she told Samuel as he moved for the elevator. The poor boy had no clue what he was getting himself into but with money involved she assumed people were willing to do just about anything.

[ohioguru03]

24-Hour Shutdown!

Let me start by mentioning this, what I’m about to discuss wasn’t some heroic act or great sacrifice, so don’t get it twisted. I simply wanted to journal through this time to see what came to mind.

Earlier in the week I noticed on social media our church (Grace Fellowship) was doing a shut-it-off Wednesday (all technology). I immediately thought, “hey, I’m in!” 

I woke up on Wednesday, turned off the phone, checked to see what my workout was for that day then turned off the computer, and the only television that was on featured Hudson’s Blue’s Clues. 

When I turned my phone off the first thought that came to mind was a barrage of “what ifs.” Quickly, I heard a still, small voice say something to the affect of “trust me, I’m greater than your what ifs.” 

The mind is funny as it will start giving you all the reasons you should power back on, but at the same time, it will give you all the reasons you shouldn’t work out today. 

It’s amazing that technology has become part of who we are...When the brain/mind senses relaxation or downtime it immediately is searching/reaching for our phone. You know what I’m mean, right? 

Think about this...how many times have you been texting or scrolling through social media on your phone, checking email or doing work on your computer, and watching Netflix on the television all simultaneously? Some of you above average performers may even have the iPad out or listening to music on another device as well. Friends, this is ridiculous and should not be. Kurt Stubbs, you can go ahead and be the first to take your own advice. 

Before I get to the major stuff, I want to say this was refreshing time but not quite long enough. The next time I get a week or so when I have no work requirements, I’m going to shut it all off for at least seven days. I’m sure my journal entries will be much larger. If God allows it, I hope you will join me when the time comes. 

Alright, enough of the introduction, let’s get to the heart of things. 

Big Takeaway

I was able to do a lot of things yesterday with zero technology. Hudson and I took our morning walk. I worked out and hiked in the woods. Dana and I were able to enjoy watching, playing, and spending time with Hudson. I was able to begin reading another book and spend some quiet time with God. This is what came to me...

We don’t like hard! We like comfort and distractions. 

In moments of silence, our actual reality comes storming to the forefront. Hence, why we drown ourselves in work, busyness, or ya know...scrolling through social media. Perhaps, you are nothing like me, but I know from personal experience it’s much easier to get lost/distracted in some sort of busy work or scrolling endlessly through meaningless social media posts then to confront issues we have in our life. In addition, most of us fear our thoughts when we are still, silent, and it’s completely quiet. Try to sit in complete silence for five consecutive minutes and let me know how it goes. Though, 2 Corinthians 10:5 says we are to take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” 

Therefore, we can’t control what pops into our mind, but The Lord has given us a blueprint to battle each thought. We don’t have to be afraid of the quiet, because God has given us weapons for the battlefield of our mind. The Bible has much to say about thoughts, thinking, and what we should be thinking about. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. -Philippians 4:8

Scrolling through our phone or the computer is like sitting in a rocking chair...it passes time but ultimately you didn’t go anywhere. There are many reasons we stay distracted by technology (possibly another post in itself), but I truly believe one of the biggest reasons is that it takes us away from reality. Often times, our reality isn’t quite what we want it to be, so it’s just much easier to get lost in a fantasy world. Yes, I said it...social media is a fantasy world (90% of it isn’t real). 

Moving Forward

I reluctantly turned my phone back on this morning. To be honest, I didn’t want to. In a perfect world, I could easily say goodbye to all technology. However, our world makes it really hard to do so. Everything revolves around being connected (emails, text messages, interacting with family, directions, marketing etc etc) to our technology. 

I love technology in some regards. It can be great to promote encouragement, lifting others up, kindness, and just to stay connected with loved ones that I don’t often see. However, as great as it can be, technology can be evil just as well. There is so much garbage out there. People slandering each other (most times people they don’t know or have never met), arguing, tearing each other down, and creating even more divide in an already divided world. The social media world can be an awful, awful place to spend too much time. Again, this a topic for another day. 

Let me finishing by noting this. When I turned my technology back on, I had nearly 70 text messages and several emails. I can honestly type that not one, not a single text or email was of great importance that required an immediate response. 

Final Thought

We (myself included) spend so much of our time wasting it on useless things that bring absolutely little to no value to our lives or the lives of others. I want us (myself included) all to think about this...how much of our time spent using technology (not work related) adds real value to our lives or the lives of others? How much of that time is spent looking at things that enrich us or others? Is what we are spending our time on going to have any lasting or eternal impact?

With Love,

Kurt

[pocketlotus]

HOW TO STAY MINDFUL AT WORK

  By Kate Taylor

  In the corner office, a woman scans her email, talks on the phone and intermittently sips from a giant coffee cup. In a nearby cubicle, a man listens to hold music while stapling paper stacks and squinting across the room at a wall clock. Up at the reception desk, another man plays online Solitaire while eating soup and preparing office supply orders.

This is a snapshot of an office where I once worked. Indeed, it’s what most of my past workplaces looked like. And according to social psychologists, it’s what most American workplaces (those with cubicles, desks and chairs, anyway) look like.

Everybody multi-tasking. Nobody giving their full attention to a single task.

“The bottom line is we are all constantly self-distracting,” says Larry Rosen, Ph.D., author and research psychologist.

Rarely, he says, do we “focus and attend” any task for more than three to five minutes. We’re perpetually distracted — primarily by emails, texts and other social media.

No wonder it’s so hard to be mindful at work.

But don’t give up just yet!

Above all, mindfulness requires practice, and the following expert tips are all you need to keep off autopilot and stay mindful throughout your work day.

      https://www.mindful.org/10-ways-mindful-work/

    Be Consciously Present

Mindfulness is about being aware and awake rather than operating unconsciously. When you’re consciously present at work, you’re aware of two aspects of your moment-to-moment experience — what’s going on around you and what’s going on within you.

If you’re mindfully writing a report, for example, you give it your full attention. You choose the words you type with care. You remain aware of how your chair supports you and how the keyboard keys feel beneath your fingertips.

Sounds easy, right?

Perhaps, if you’ve spent the last five months on a silent retreat. Most people, however, are used to giving far less than 100 percent of their attention to work. As they write a report, a third or even half of their attention drifts with music coming through their earphones. Or wanders to last night’s Game of Thrones episode. Or rumbles about needing some fries.

If you’re trying to boost your mindfulness at work, don’t let your undisciplined thoughts discourage you. Staying present requires practice. Lots of practice. ‘When you catch your thoughts slipping away to global warming or Kim Kardashian-land, just acknowledge what’s happening and usher them back to the task at hand. Here are some extra mindfulness tips to boost your chances of success:

    Make a clear decisionat the start of your workday to be present as best you can. Pause for a few moments before you start your work to set this intention in your mind.

  Make an effort to work more consciously, even if that means that you need to work more slowly at first—doing so pays off in the long run.

  Keep the advantages of being presentin mind to motivate you. Mindfulness brings a powerful sense of calm and focus to your day and will help you produce your best work.

  Give your full attention to seemingly mundane taskslike typing, loading the copy machine and dialing phone numbers. If you’re just waiting in a meeting room, just focus on your breathing. These little moments can energize you and bring unexpected pleasure and peace.

Use Short Mindful Exercises at Work

  Mindful exercises train your brain to be more present. The more you do, the easier your brain finds it to drop into a mindful state, thus optimizing your brain function.

In a busy workplace, it might seem impossible to find time for mindful exercises. No worries — they can be as short as you want them to be. In fact, just a minute of consciously connecting with one of your senses qualifies as a mindful exercise. You don’t need to make is obvious to others by assuming a lotus position or closing your eyes. You don’t even need to be sitting down. So be creative! Find the time for several mindful exercises every day.

  Quick way to fall in love with mindfulness:

Try a mindful exercise when work-stress is driving you to your limit. Just closing your eyes and tuning everything out for two minutes can help rebalance your nervous system, tone down the fight-or-flight response and engage the wisest part of your brain. Once relaxed, you’ll be far less reactive and better equipped to make smart decisions.

Be a Single-Tasker

Single-tasking means doing one thing at a time. Multi-tasking means trying to do two or more tasks at the same time or switching back and forth between tasks.

Multi-tasking is a myth, scientists say. We may think we’re multi-tasking, but in reality, our brains are madly switching from one thing to the next, often losing data in the process.

So why do we keep trying to do it? Multi-tasking makes us feel more productive. And that false feeling of productivity, experts say, is addictive.

Here are a few ways to kick the multi-tasking habit for good and become a paragon of single-tasking:

Keep a time journalof what you achieve when single-tasking or multi-tasking. Note the time each time you measure, and write down what you achieve in both modes. See whether you can notice your productivity rising when you single-task. Noticing the benefits can motivate you to switch permanently to single-tasking.

    Switch off as many distractions as you can.Silence your phone, log off from your email account, and so on. Then set a timer for whatever amount of time you need to work, and record how much you get done.

  Practice mindfulness during breaksbetween tasks. Once you’ve completed a task, get up, stretch, take some deep breaths or go for a mindful walk.

Use Mindful Reminders

Remembering to be mindful is challenging, even for veteran meditators and mindfulness students.

Here’s why: the brain’s normal (default) mode is to be lost in thought while running internal narratives. As we go through our routine daily activities, our brains automatically switch into this unmindful state.

One Harvard study showed that people spend nearly half of each day lost in thought, performing many actions automatically. And though we often think of day-dreaming as pleasant, this study also showed that unmindful thoughts frequently take us into negative or unproductive ruts and sabotage our well-being.

Operating on auto-pilot means that you’re not fully present and awake to the opportunities and choices around you. You’re unable to be creative or thoughtful, you can’t come up with new ideas or solutions – some of the best parts of owning a mind are simply unavailable to you.

  Reminders can help bring you back to mindfulness. Here are some effective reminders to try:

Set an alarm on your phone – a vibrating alarm that doesn’t disturb others can work well.

Add mindful exercises in your daily schedule – set an appointment with yourself, and keep it.

Post a small note or picture on your deskto remind you to be mindful.

Associate certain activities with mindfulness, such as meal times or meetings or when finishing one task and starting another.

Use the sound of bellsand rings in the workplace as “bells of mindfulness.”

Slow Down to Speed Up

By slowing down, you can become more efficient, productive, happy, resilient and healthy at work.

Chronic rushing is a misuse of energy and leads to bad decisions. Instead, pause, focus on listening, stroll rather than run, and generally take your time at work.

Effective leaders, workers, and entrepreneurs slow down and reflect to make the best decisions—they slow down to speed up. That’s a mindful way of working.

  Feel Gratitude

Human beings have what psychologists call a “negativity bias.” That’s a tendency to react more intensely to negative stimuli than equally strong positive stimuli.

We owe this tendency to our primitive ancestors, who made life and death decisions all the time.

Makes sense, right? Back then, it was far more important to remember the poisonous striped snake by the river than the tree with super-sweet plums on the hill.

In modern times, however, that negativity bias is basically a useless buzzkill. It dampens our happiness and pre-disposes up to fear and anxiety.

  Having a negativity bias “is a great way to pass on gene copies, but a lousy way to promote quality of life,” says Dr. Rick Hanson, psychologist and senior fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

Our work places are full of things to worry about, from possible future layoffs to perceived bad vibes from the boss. That’s why it’s so important to fight our faulty programming.

“Be mindful of the degree to which your brain is wired to make you afraid, wired so that you walk around with an ongoing trickle of anxiety (a flood for some) to keep you on alert,” Hanson says.

Remember that we tend “to tune out or de-emphasize reassuring good news, and keep thinking about the one thing that was negative in a day in which a hundred small things happened, ninety-nine of which were neutral or positive.”

The antidote to all this predisposed negativity?

Gratitude!

Being grateful helps us realize how many blessings we truly have. It helps us step away from fear and anxiety and feel better. It helps us stay positive and put problems in perspective. It boosts our creativity, health, working relationships and quality of work.

Of course, this brings up another problem with our troublesome minds: we’re not hardwired to be grateful. For the same reason we focus on negative stimuli, most of us don’t spend enough time reflecting on how lucky we are.

Not to worry – we can recover from gratitude-deficit. Try these tricks to bring more gratitude into your life:

      http://www.dailygood.org/story/1166/10-ways-to-become-more-grateful-robert-emmons/

    Keep a Gratitude Journal. Establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy. Setting aside time on a daily basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a sustainable life theme of gratefulness.

Remember the Bad. To be grateful in your current state, it is helpful to remember the hard times that you once experienced. When you remember how difficult life used to be and how far you have come, you set up an explicit contrast in your mind, and this contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.

  Ask Yourself Three Questions. Utilize the meditation technique known as Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?”, “What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?”

  Learn Prayers of Gratitude. In many spiritual traditions, prayers of gratitude are the most powerful form of prayer, because through these prayers people recognize the ultimate source of all they are and all they will ever be.

  Come to Your Senses. Through our senses—the ability to touch, see, smell, taste, and hear—we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an incredible miracle it is to be alive. Seen through the lens of gratitude, the human body is not only a miraculous construction, but also a gift.

  Use Visual Reminders. Because the two primary obstacles to gratefulness are forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness, visual reminders can serve as cues to trigger thoughts of gratitude.

  Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude. Research shows that making an oath to perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will be executed. Therefore, write your own gratitude vow, which could be as simple as “I vow to count my blessings each day,” and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it every day.

  Watch your Language. Words are powerful and often reflect the way we think. That’s why grateful people often use happy words like gift, giver, blessing, blessed, fortune, fortunate and abundance. Try using a few and see if it doesn’t add to your happiness.

  Fake it until….. As a last recourse, go through the motions of gratitude — it’s very likely to trigger true gratitude. Motions of gratitude include smiling, saying thank you, and writing grateful letters and notes.

      The post HOW TO STAY MINDFUL AT WORK appeared first on .

[allisonmalek-blog]

Highschool Wrestling Turning into A Super Wrestler

High School Wrestling- Turning into an excellent Wrestler

Steve Austin, astronaut, a person hardly alive. Gentlemen, we could rebuild him, we possess the know-how. Now we have the aptitude to help make the entire world's to start with Bionic man. Steve Austin will be that guy. A lot better than he was right before. Much better. More powerful. More quickly. - through the opening sequence of The tv show The Six Million Dollar Person

Can we build a wrestler that is best, much better, and more rapidly?

What is the best sort of conditioning for just a wrestler? Regardless that I am not aggressive, I nevertheless grapple with this question. The knowledge I obtain looks complicated and contradictory sometimes.

Although my aggressive days are possibly at the rear of me, I've continued to have an interest in wrestling system As well as in wrestling conditioning. I nevertheless questioned for the duration of my adult everyday living what conditioning could produce the last word wrestler. I did a lot of study on-line and in guides and began to piece factors alongside one another.

What insights did I get? Let's explore.

Periodization

I was to some degree accustomed to the idea of periodization way back to the nineteen eighties. I feel that I initial examine periodization inside of a bodybuilding/Conditioning magazine. I do not bear in mind the exact specifics of the short article, however it left an impression on me.

I didn't start applying the web routinely till across the change of The brand new millennium. By way of some studying I came upon two content which were specifically about periodization for wrestling. I believe the 1st report was basically entitled Periodization and was prepared by Ethan Bosch.

The second report was entitled Year Long Periodization Routine and was published by Richard Fergola. These article content fascinated me a great deal. The articles or blog posts described which kind of instruction to try and do at each phase with the calendar calendar year. It was incredibly fascinating to search out an real blueprint of how you can practice year round to get in the very best situation to wrestle.

Toughness and conditioning mentor Mark Ginther contends that peak issue is unattainable to keep for in excess of a number of months at the longest and, therefore, some kind of periodization is important to prosperous conditioning.

Basic linear periodization usually consists of 3 phases: preparatory, Competitiveness, and changeover. Having said that, there are numerous other kinds of periodization.

Strength Units

Throughout highschool I browse an post outlining how different types of weight lifting could lead to energy. electrical power, or muscular endurance. This perplexed me a bit, for the reason that I figured that a wrestler desired all three attributes. I am undecided After i learned concerning the distinction between aerobic and anaerobic sports. That concept was a tiny bit baffling also, mainly because I could remember breathing tricky and experience my heart pound following a wrestling match. And however, wrestling was not definitely like running a few miles. It involved strength and electricity. Over the early A part of the new millennium, I also discovered bout the a few Electricity methods and how to prepare them.

The ATP program gives enwergy for about 0-fifteen seconds. The glyco-lactic method delivers Electricity for about fifteen seconds to two minutes. The aerobic program presents Vitality for two minutes and past. I had been still somewhat baffled since a high school match lasts for 6 minutes. But, All those aren't 6 minutes of continuous continuous point out action. A wrestling match is punctuated by lots of highly effective bursts of action. So, wrestling works by using extra Strength from the first two units and is without a doubt aerobic. And, knowing that helps you to teach appropriately.

A very good report I came upon by Mike Frey was Cardiovascular Education for Wrestlers. Partly two of that short article he writes, "The whistle has blown marking the end of the primary duration of your match. Your heart is racing and you will rarely breathe. You have been working two miles each day just like your coach and father explained to you to definitely. So why are you presently worn out just after only 2 minutes?"

"Indeed, why is usually that?" I thought.

The Frey writes, "Jogging long distance conditioning performs the body's aerobic Electricity process to make use of Vitality over a protracted period of time, wherever with wrestling we are required to maintain substantial levels of Electricity very quickly and Recuperate in a brief length of time."

You see a wrestler requires not merely aerobic endurance, but anaerobic endurance. Mike points out many ways to further improve just one's wrestling endurance. It really is an exceedingly enlightening short article and made rather an perception on me.

Mike concludes portion two from the report by stating, "Cardiovascular coaching for wrestlers is a lot more that just managing two miles or riding your bike within the block. As you are beginning to see, wrestling is about anaerobic conditioning. Aerobic conditioning performs An important part in providing a fantastic good Basis for cardiovascular coaching but it's the anaerobic bodyweight education and conditioning that could carry you to the very best with the podium."

GPP/Operate Ability/Strongman Instruction/Olympic Lifting/ DensityTraining/Kettlebells/Plyometrics/Miscellaneous

I grew up over a farm. I utilized to hold bales of hay and pails of corn every day. I lifted and carried bags of lime and feed. I dug fence submit holes. Quite simply, I did lots of Actual physical labor. This was my strategy for setting up normal physical preparedness (GPP). A concept intently connected with GPP is do the job capability.

I feel it was article content written by Matt Wiggins that 1st brought my interest on the strategy of work capability.

With higher work capability, you can do a better volume of conditioning. Obtaining greater get the job done capacity is like using a bigger"gasoline tank." If you have excellent perform ability, then you will not gasoline out toward the top of the wrestling match.

A wrestler will Definitely reap the benefits of improved operate ability. He might be ready for rigorous get the job done and can Get well extra speedily.

Energy and conditioning expert Ross Enimait states, "All athletes can reap the benefits of enhanced do the job capacity. This is particularly true for combat athletes." Also he writes, "Enhancing function potential is one vital action to enabling the body to prepare more challenging and a lot more generally."

Strongman education involving pulling weighted sleds, swinging sledge hammers, and flipping tires is now quite preferred among the beat athletes. Take a look at it.

Some trainers feel that Olympic lifting (e.g. electrical power cleans) is beneficial for the battle athlete while some You should not. A similar could be reported of plyometrics.

I've heard excellent items about kettlebells, clubbells, and Indian clubs.

Density instruction frequently entails looking to do additional perform in exactly the same length of time or exactly the same degree of function in fewer time. How many push ups can you do in 10 minutes? Try to double the amount of press ups you can do in 10 minutes. Assume you will not be in far better problem? Or, you can continue to keep performing the same range of press ups but reduce the amount of time you rest involving sets.

You'll want to examine up about density coaching.

I guess The underside line is there are some ways to affliction Your entire body and various instruments and approaches you can use.

Conventional Cardio/Intervals/Sprints

Aerobic base instruction has long been a principal component of training packages (which include Individuals for wrestling) for many years. This type of education (Feel extensive gradual bouts of jogging) is purported to boost mitochondrial size and density and also muscular capillarization, which leads to improved blood flow into the muscles and enhanced muscular endurance.

Sounds superior, appropriate? However, a escalating number of conditioning industry experts are professing aerobics (standard cardio) is useless and maybe even risky.

As an illustration, some declare that aerobic training will make you slower, lead to adrenal worry, and worsen one particular's testosterone/cortisol ratio.

Interval teaching is recommended in its place. Interval coaching includes alternating bouts of superior-intensity physical exercise with that of minimal to moderate-depth physical exercise. For example, a single may possibly dash for 40 seconds and afterwards jog for two minutes and repeat this for quite a few sets.

Alternatively, in his posting A Standard Primer on Endurance Coaching Charles Staley writes, "Note: Many conditioning specialists eschew the strategy of producing an aerobic base, emotion that a extremely produced aerobic ability is counter-productive to your attainment of pace and energy. However the anaerobic system relies to the aerobic technique, so at the very least in theory, It appears reasonable to create the procedure that may promote lactic acid clearance during higher intensity training endeavours later on inside the cycle. As in all things, it truly is a difficulty of the amount aerobic operate is done, and in which it can be put from the coaching cycle."

Various conditioning professionals are advocates of sprinting (such as hill sprints).

From the journal post Physiological and Efficiency Alterations from your Addition of a Dash Interval Plan to Wrestling Coaching, Farzad et al. (2011) point out, "Our success indicate that recurring dash-interval runs with quick passive recovery periods, more than a 4-7 days time period are helpful in raising each aerobic and anaerobic performances. The coaching period also drastically influenced serum hormone concentrations."

The total testosterone of the participants carrying out the dash protocol improved noticeably. Rather great, huh?

Lactic Acid Instruction

Wrestling is thought to be largely an anaerobic Activity. Earlier I mentioned the a few Vitality methods. Among the list of Electricity techniques that wrestling relies closely on is called the lactic acid or lactate technique.

The lactate method can be joined With all the burning sensations felt throughout high intensity activities. Consequently, if a wrestler can practice his overall body to tolerate and proficiently use lactate he will turn out to be less fatigued and should be able to wrestle at the next depth for a longer period.

In accordance with Toughness and Conditioning Specialist Jonathan Siegel, "Concerning improving upon the use and re-usage of lactate inside our muscles, lactate threshold (LT) intervals inspire rapid-twitch muscles to make an enzyme (MCT-one) which is important to move lactate into muscle cells where it is transformed into pyruvic acid for even further exercise. The more MCT-1 you've got, the larger the rate of lactate conversion along with the greater the muscle mass endurance. LT intervals also increase the quantity of mitochondria (mobile Strength electrical power plants) and capillaries (blood highways)."

In line with Owen Anderson, creator of Lactate Carry-Off, one method of expanding one particular's lactate threshold and ability to crystal clear lactate is always to execute an exercising he refers to as lactate-dosers.

The lactate-doser includes alternating two minutes of close-to-max-velocity running with 4 to 5 minutes of easy jogging right until you might have concluded 5 to six of the 2 moment bursts.

The blasts bathe muscle cells in lactate, as well as Restoration jogs allow muscle fibers to distinct the lactate that has been produced. Over time, this kind of exercise session need to radically enhance MCT concentrations, lactate clearance, lactate threshold, and general performance capability.

Within an write-up with the Science Daily Web-site entitled Lactic Acid Not Athlete's Poison, But An Electricity Source -- If You understand how To make use of It, workout physiologist George Brooks and his UC Berkeley Exercising Physiology Laboratory colleagues Takeshi Hashimoto and Rajaa Hussien are described as well as their exploration about lactic acid is discussed.

In accordance with the article at Science Every day:

"The entire world's best athletes remain competitive by interval coaching," Brooks claimed, referring to repeated small, but rigorous, bouts of exercise. "The powerful physical exercise generates huge lactate masses, and the body adapts by building up mitochondria to obvious lactic acid speedily. If you employ it up, it would not accumulate."

In the journal short article entitled The Physiological Basis for Wrestling: Implications for Conditioning Courses, Kraemer, Vescovi, & Dixon (2004) propose circuit resistance teaching as 1 part of a wrestling conditioning system. They condition, "The most crucial reason for circuit resistance teaching would be to produce a toleration of higher hydrogen ion and lactic acid concentrations, that can subsequently improve the acid-buffering mechanisms inside the physique."

Circuits are only a series of workouts carried out in the style by which one moves from one particular exercising to the following with little or no rest. A great description of circuit resistance education distinct to wrestling are available inside the journal report pointed out over, in on line posts, and inside the book entitled Handbook of Sporting activities Medication and Science:Strength Schooling for Sport.

Pavel Tsatsouline/Energy

Pavel Tsatsouline, Grasp of Sports, is a former Soviet Specific Forces Bodily education instructor as well as the writer of Energy on the People today: Russian Strength Instruction Tricks For each American and several other other guides and posts.

Pavel believes in lifting weighty weights for small reps. Bodybuilding has no put for most athletes teaching in his belief. He states, "The punch bag who came up with The sunshine weights/significant reps formula for martial artists did not hold the slightest clue about possibly toughness coaching or martial arts."

He also states, "The best toughness schooling formulation to get a fighting person is heavy, 80-95% 1RM, weights, and reduced, one-five, repetitions."

Any beat athlete, such as wrestlers, can become worn out and sore from adhering to a significant rep excess weight training system. Should you have no Electrical power left for follow, what is the level? Pavel concludes, "When they go to low rep, hefty, non-exhaustive coaching--a few sets of 3 or 5 sets of five--they might not get sore."

Toughness education should hardly ever interfere along with your wrestling follow. If follow alone tends to make you weary and fatigued which is okay. You can not apply your wrestling skills perfectly in case you are sore from fat training. You can't shoot good takedowns for anyone who is fatigued and sore.

If wrestling apply alone tends to make you exhausted and fatigued that's alright. Even so, your power education shouldn't. Toughness teaching isn't for conditioning. You need to get plenty of conditioning during wrestling apply from drilling, Reside wrestling, calisthenics, and so forth.

Power teaching can be not a way for you to establish how tough you're. Put it aside with the mat. No one cares exactly how much you may bench press in the event you wander out and get pinned. Lift heavy weights, but preserve the overall quantity of energy coaching low.

Strength education is basically there to provide you with a feasible edge about an Similarly expert opponent.

Barry Ross/Power and Pace

Energy and conditioning mentor Barry Ross is mainly recognized for his do the job in the area of track and discipline, Primarily sprinting. Ross helped coach sprinter Allyson Felix in highschool. Allyson Felix has long gone on to be an Olympic silver medalist and environment winner sprinter. You might marvel what this has to do with wrestling.

Properly, the fascinating point about Ross is the fact that he stumbled on a study by study physiologist Peter Weyand. In line with Ross, "Weyand and his associates proved that merely gaining toughness is not enough. Their review confirmed that the essential to faster managing was mass-distinct power. 'Mass-distinct force' is just yet another way to say that it isn't basically the amount of power placed on the bottom that improves stride size; It is really the amount of power in relation to bodyweight."

Ross realized that raising mass-distinct drive meant finding stronger without adding bulk. Really don't most wrestlers choose to get more powerful without having gaining bulk? I do think so. So how exactly does a single make this happen? Ross experienced his sprinters raise heavy weights for minimal reps and focused primarily on the deadlift. In his post The Holy Grail in Pace Teaching Ross writes, "The deadlift was not a favorite in our eyes both until eventually we seen a fascinating and powerfully motivating truth: Globe and European powerlifting documents exhibit which the deadlift plus the squat documents are inside ten% or significantly less of each other throughout all body weight classes, both equally for guys and ladies. Still the deadlift is effective a noticeably higher share on the muscles and includes a number of joints; why waste time and energy on squats or leg push equipment? Knowing the efficiency from the deadlift triggered the whole restructuring of our toughness training."

Ross under no circumstances has his athletes practice to failure (exhaustion). He simply just gets his athletes really potent. He believes from the philosophy, "Do as minimal as essential, not just as much as is possible." This is analogous on the philosophy of energy and conditioning mentor and coach to boxers and https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7p5R3w3I2TvYqEpEq-_sgA/ UFC fighters Steve Baccari. Interstingly, Baccari is additionally a admirer of deadlifts. Baccari states, "In my view, straightforward strength teaching is the only real productive way a competitive fighter can strength train. But plenty of people Consider if you do not break a sweat it should not do the job. This utilized to trouble me quite a bit, but not anymore, since I do think it truly is a person cause why my fighters get a great deal of." Baccari also says, "Reduced rep sluggish power operate is like putting funds during the financial institution to collect around the battle night."

I feel the lesson for wrestlers is you should not wear you out by lifting weights to The purpose of exhaustion. Raise weighty weights for lower reps (under no circumstances much more than five) and have really strong. Lactic acid teaching and conditioning have their put, but Never forget about the significance of pure energy.

Dan Gable and Rocky Marciano/Work Ethic and Conditioning

Dan Gable won't really want an introduction. He was among the greatest American wrestlers to ever established foot within the mat and maybe the best collegiate mentor in background. Gable's function ethic and conditioning was famous.

Gable relished hard work from the youthful age. For the duration of his highschool years he experienced the stamina to exhaust his teammates.

[maggiejulienne]

2017 Midway Check-point and Writer Feelings

Hello, the internet!

2017 has undoubtedly been the best year of my entire life. It’s amazing what getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship can do for the mind, body, soul, and career! I highly, highly recommend it. I hear it’s a lovely time of year not to have been in one in the first place, but if that isn’t an option, telling him “boy, bye” is a excellent back-up plan.

So let’s re-re-re-re-re-rewind!

January

February- Asked to do a treatment for Someone Else’s Musical So I Can’t Tell You More which definitely went under the category of “labor of capitalism” rather than “labor of love,” but it was 

March - Demo recorded for Musical Chairs. 

April - Begin work on Monster Prom, an exciting new computer game, with one of my dearest school friends who I’ve known for more than a dozen years. 

May- Ahhhhh! PRINCESS TEN TEN AND THE DARK SKIES workshop in my homeland of Southern California!!! This trip was a dreamdreamdream.

June - Back in New York! Hard at work on Invincible, Monster Prom, and did a lyric brush up for Someone Else’s Musical Screenplay So I Can’t Tell You More But It Was Fairytale-Themed And Therefore Awesome.

July - The toughest month so far - one of my best friends went through a lot of really hard stuff back-to-back and since she doesn’t have a great family support system I really heavily took that on emotionally trying to be there for her and help her in whatever way she needs - she 0% put any obligation on me, but that’s where my soul lies so it’s always gonna be what it is. That being said, she’s doing MUCH better now and we’re both so much happier for it. I finished the last piece of Invincible materials needed for the author to start pitching to producers, and am now good to set that aside until the next step, when- and what-ever that may be. I saw a whole slew of friends, Natasha, Ashleigh, Hannah, Katherine, Hallie, Zach, their friends, all multiple times within a very brief time-span, and that was great.

So to recap, that’s one short film with my lyrics (Smile), two pieces for a collection of one acts (Alcestis: A Tragiquilt), three musicals based on pre-existing material (Invincible, Musical Chairs, Princess Ten Ten and the Dark Skies), one movie adaptation of a preexisting work of mine, two brush-ups on other people’s scripts (shh! you’ll never know), one computer game (Monster Prom) and a partridge in a pear tree.

That’s NINE projects for other people in six months. 

Holy kjahkjhkajehkehrh oh my goodness SO #blessed, so thrilled to be making my living as a writer, so happy to feel the validation that comes from having the same people hire you again and again because they like your work and they like who you are as a person and have them recommend you to others and you make new connections etc. It’s wonderful, truly, and it’s an amazing feeling and an amazing life.

Now. You will notice that conspicuously absent from the above are such phrases as “my original musical” “my screenplay” “my T.V. show”or “my novel.” And yet I have m-u-l-t-i-p-l-e of all of the above either finished or in-progress. Just in the past month or so when things were getting kind of “eh” in my personal life because of how much my friends were hurting and how deeply that affects me when it’s people I love, I really started missing my own work. Getting paid to write has been a double-edged sword in a way - it makes me feel more like a “real” writer in a very external, tangible way, it does that capitalism thing where I can feed and house myself, and it gives me hard deadlines and people to report to who believe in my work enough to have chosen me over everyone else. On the other hand, it gives me hard deadlines and people to report to who believe in my work enough to have chosen me over everyone else.

I haven’t stopped working on my own pieces during this time, and actually wrote my first-ever short film(s, two of them) since I’m starting to get anxious about getting my feature done and want to start making some kinda movie and it seems like all my friends have produced shorts at this point and YOLO. But I LOVE my feature so so so so much and it’s gotten almost exclusively positive feedback from everyone who’s read it, but hasn’t quite stuck the landing by finding the right person/place/thing with the right resources and the right opportunity at the right time. I may now have a production company for it but we still need to finding funding, and although it’s low-budget as far as feature films go ($500k-$1mil), it’s not exactly crowdfunding material. Mostly, with all these projects, especially the ones on strict timelines, I’ve started carving out time to make sure I’m continuing work on my Most Favorite Novel I’ve Started Since I Was An Adult, here after referred to as MFN.

Tonight, around 10:45/50ish, I got into bed to finish up some Monster Prom/Alcestis work before going to sleep (breaking my recently-instated rule of working on the couch in the living room and sleeping in bed, like a human, but hey). I was casually scrolling through Facebook when I saw an advertisement, inadvertently screamed, threw my phone across the room, curled up in a fetal position with my fists so tightly they hurt and yet I couldn’t unclench them, and sobbed myself to sleep.

WTF?! you ask (no, you don’t, I presume NO ONE will read this whole thing, but this is my e-journal, so I’mma post whatever I want)

I saw an advertisement for a book, the cover of which could easily be for MFN, and the title of which is one I have actually used at one point. I finally had returned to it and started actively scheduling ways to make sure I stayed on top of it, and someone had beaten me to the punch with a shocking level of specificity. There are a lot of things that make me feel strong feelings and my life is an emotional rollercoaster and I just don’t blog quite often enough to write about every single mood shift.

But I have literally never experienced a feeling quite like that in my 26+ years of being alive, and I didn’t know there were entirely new feelings left to feeling.

I’ve never been literally “paralyzed with emotion,” but that’s how it felt. As I said, I literally felt as if I could not loosen my fingers, could not move my knees from my chest, could not open my eyes. I just folded in on myself and fell asleep within minutes, something I haven’t done in weeks, because my body literally needed to shut off rather than deal with the emotional pain I felt of, in one picture and twenty-five words, feeling like a piece I have spent the past eight years working on had been rendered useless and defunct and - I’ve sat here struggling to think of a word to describe exactly what it was but the best I can come up with is - dead. And dead. It felt like MFN,this thing I love, was dead, had been killed by the unfairness of the universe that gave two creative souls the same thought and let one beat the other to the finish line.

What should make this less surprising to me is the fact that the darling young newlywed playwright assigned the Alcestis scene immediately after mine came up with - independently of me, having never met, never discussed the piece - almost the EXACT SAME premise and themes for his interpretation of the text.

(And this author’s book was published by the same publishing house that published my friend’s book that I was explaining to this gal I’m just starting to be friends with led to a kind of complicated dynamic with this other person da da da because of fucking COURSE it was)

Anyway it’s 6:51AM right now and I need to go to sleep so I can wake up and do the writing I’m being paid and/or asked to do rather than just writing about the writing I’m being paid and/or asked to do, so I’ll hafta fill in a few of the beats tomorrow but these are the bulk of my feelings and there’s just a lot of them lol. Mostly I hope that my current trajectory continues and maybe if my writing reaches a broader audience people can see these records of how I got there since we usually only see the sort of “overnight success” moments and miss all the work to get there.

So let the record show that for the first five years I lived in New York, I got a total of about four or five writing jobs, and now have had nine in the last seven months. I did a whole buncha acting in that time, but will soon be acting for the first time in a year and a half. So it took a long time of writing before people started asking me to write things on a (too???) regular basis, and now we’ll see how long it takes until people start asking me to write my own things and they’ll pay for them and let other people see them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO

gossiprat

[lifesobeautiful]

Self Reflection Questions for When You Need A Moment of Clarity

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like your life has become stagnant and nothing seems to be working out? You are not able to create anything you’d like to accomplish and just feel absolutely useless?

Yes! I am talking about that self-appreciation phase where you love the concept of self-doubt and self-loathing. Well, one thing is for sure, you are not alone.

Around two years back, I met these super talented bunch of musicians when I joined my new school who I now refer to as my friends. Initially, I was absolutely in awe of each one of them. The fact that I am a self-entitled car singer might have had a small role to play. Well, just a tiny one.

We used to sit in a group and have our own little concert. And it was so much fun until… it wasn’t!

On one hand, I was having a Gala time and on the flip side, I was questioning myself. And believe me, these weren’t the questions that would’ve brought me any awareness. They were full of self-doubt, judgment, and conclusion — and not a very good one at that.

I was doing the job of being a teenager very well.

I used to ask myself one question:

What is my talent?

It seemed like a question, but it wasn’t. It was a judgmental statement about myself with a question mark at the end to help myself feel better about introspecting rather than concluding. Since that wasn’t enough to satisfy the quota of self-deprecation, I added a more fixed point of views to it.

I concluded that particular talent is only a talent when it can be shown to other people.

After a couple of days, I decided that I’ve had enough of this crappy feeling and I wasn’t going to choose it anymore! So, I looked for the answers from people who knew me. Obviously, people knew me better than I knew myself.

After getting answers like you’re good at art, speaking, giving advice, I finally did what I should’ve done since the beginning. I asked myself what talents I have that I have not acknowledged yet. I wondered what secret hidden talents I have that I’m not even aware of.

We often come across self-reflection questions like “What is the purpose of our life?”, “What am I good at?” or “What is my worth?”

When that happens to you, consider the following tips:

1) Ask And Introspect

Instead of going through all the process that I went through, please choose to ask yourself questions because no one knows you better than you. Just asking a simple question can give you an awareness or an insight. Personally, what I used to do was ask a question with an expected outcome or conclusion.

Moreover, it does not always show up the way you expect it to. Don’t run away when it doesn’t look like the way you imagined it to be.

2) Acknowledge And Be Grateful

Most of the time, we don’t acknowledge the changes that we’ve created in our lives. Why?

You would know if this applies to you. However, let me tell you how one of my favorite people in the world taught me what acknowledgment does.

It truly opens the space of gratefulness for our capacities and eliminates the space of judgment for ourselves. The fun fact is that we don’t always choose gratefulness.

Is now the time for you to acknowledge and be grateful for yourself?

If yes, please take out a few minutes of your day to acknowledge the things in your life. One of the most recommended ways to practice this is to maintain a gratitude journal. If keeping one seems like a pain in the neck, write your thoughts anywhere. If you don’t have the time to note them down, just tell yourself mentally.

3) Have Fun

Last but not the least, don’t expect too much out of yourself. Try out new things and enjoy them. I know that sounds tough but it isn’t!

How much fun can you have?

The post Self Reflection Questions for When You Need A Moment of Clarity appeared first on Dumb Little Man.

This article was first shared from Dumb Little Man

[douglassmiith]

Building a brand for your business

Joost de Valk

Joost de Valk is the founder and Chief Product Officer of Yoast. He’s a digital marketer, developer and an Open Source fanatic.

At Yoast, we pride ourselves on our branding. I would go as far as saying that it has attributed a lot to our success. I also think that good and consistent branding needs to be talked about more, as it is one of the hallmarks of a great enterprise. Please let me explain why I think it’s important for a business to think about their branding and give some examples of what we did. Hopefully, it’ll inspire you to do better branding for your company!

What is branding?

First, let’s look at some definitions. The American marketing agency Association on their site defines a brand as:

A brand is a name, term, design, symbol or any other feature that identifies one seller’s good or service as distinct from those of other sellers.

Lexico defines branding as:

The promotion of a particular product or company by means of advertising and distinctive design.

On the scientific side, definitions range widely too. David Aaker, called the “Father of Modern Branding” by marketing agency text book writer Philip Kotler, defines branding as:

“Far more than a name and logo, it is an organization’s promise to a customer to deliver what a brand stands for…in terms of functional benefits but also emotional, self-expressive, and social benefits”

David Aaker in Aaker on Branding

So, branding is the whole package: the name, the images, the advertising, the story. Good branding associates your company and/or product with positive feelings. Some major brands even go as far as only promoting the feelings in their advertisements, because we all know what the product is. If you’re in that stage, you’ve reached true “brand recognition”. If you succeed in making people feel certain feelings because they’ve bought something from you, the way I feel when I drink a Diet Coke, for instance, you’ve hit the jackpot.

How do you measure branding?

As digital marketers, we tend to want to measure everything and we think we can measure everything equally well. I don’t think that’s the case for branding. You might have the budget to do large scale brand research, but only truly big brands usually have that kind of money. And when you’re doing that research, the bigger question is: what do you want to do with the outcome of that research?

To go one step deeper, we probably need to define better what we’d be measuring if we can measure anything. I find this brand knowledge pyramid in this article by P. Chandon from INSEAD very useful:

So, if you see the above pyramid, brand awareness is a pre-requisite for everything else. If people don’t consider you when they’re making a purchase, everything else you do to “charge” your brand is useless. More people searching for you online, which you can see through, for instance, Google Trends, is a good measure of brand awareness. Note that it is always relative to your competition. Comparing searches for “Yoast” with searches for “Coca-Cola” is both non-sensical and mostly just self-flagellation. However, comparing searches for “Yoast SEO Company” with searches for “WordPress SEO Company” makes much more sense, and luckily, it shows that we won that battle 5 years ago.

If you really want to measure the impact, I think the smartest thing to do for smaller businesses is just seeing whether more people search for your brand online.

The brand “Yoast”

Given our definitions above, the brand Yoast has two sides to it: the brand image and the “functional” aspects of the brand. The functional aspects are a result of the functionality of our product, the quality of our UX, the usefulness of our features. To be able to build a good brand, having at least one good product is a requirement. Of course, that product can be a news site, or information, or whatever you want it to be, but it has to be great. For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that’s a given. The great product is there and exists.

The brand name

Some things get lost in history, and that’s kind of funny. Yoast is how you pronounce my first name (Joost) if you’d pronounce it in English. Basically, toast with a Y. These days, people at conferences who don’t know this, sometimes introduce me as “this is Juiced from Yoast”, which always cracks me up. What’s most important though is that Yoast is short, it’s easy to remember and it’s unique in our space.

For a while, keyword domain names were all the rage in the SEO Company industry. If you want to include the most important keyword for your business, make sure you stick something on to it that makes it rememberable and unique. This will make it a lot easier for people to search specifically for you. Some examples of this are for instance SearchEngineLand and Search Engine Journal. While they both clearly have the keyword in their brand name, the addition does make it a lot easier to search for them. At the same time, they do have longer brand names because of that. If your company name is long, think of whether abbreviating it is a good idea. Some of the best brands in the world are abbreviations: KLM, IBM, H&M, AT&T. You might not even know the words behind some of those abbreviations!

Building the brand image

Mijke, our brand manager, was one of the very first people I hired when I started hiring people. Erwin, the illustrator behind all of our avatars and a lot of the other images you see on this site, followed soon after. From the very beginning, things like color schemes and logos were important. But, also our positioning on who we are in the world are things that we’ve deemed as very important.

Even before he was a Yoast employee, Erwin drew my avatar. Paul Madden created my very first avatar as a doodle at a conference, and while very nice, Erwin improved upon it quite a bit. Later, when Yoast started growing, we asked Erwin to create an avatar for every new employee. We still endeavor to do this, but admittedly we’re running quite a bit behind at the moment.

If you’re interested in our avatars, this infographic is quite interesting (click to enlarge as it’s rather big):

Logos, but also: so much more

In many ways, our avatars were more important at the beginning of Yoast than our logo was. Our avatars, with their recognizable style, immediately made clear that someone who responded somewhere was a Yoast employee. People remember our avatars while most people do not remember our older logo’s.

The old Yoast logo vs the current one

You cannot just create a logo and then be done with it, you’ll have to give it some more thought, and depending on how big your company is, sometimes even a lot of thought.

Our branding is in every post image we create. You won’t find a lot of stock photos on Yoast.com, we use custom made illustrations for every important aspect of our site. Illustrations that contain exactly what we want them to contain, and are examples for the world we want to live in. These illustrations also hang in our offices as decoration, and during the COVID-19 work from home episode, we allowed our employees to pick one and we sent them some of these illustrations to hang on their home walls. That’s when you know your branding does bring a sense of community, just as in the pyramid above.

Branding in the search results

One of the things that I’ve always been very keen on is doing proper branding in the search results. It’s really important that when someone is researching a topic and you rank for a lot of the terms in that topic, they see you rank. Even if they don’t click on the first result. This is why I’ve always said it’s very important to include your brand name in titles. This is another spot where a relatively short brand name will help you, as you’ve got just so much more space to add a meaningful title. Usually, it makes the most sense to add the brand name to the end of the title and make it easily distinguishable. This can be as simple as - Brand name, we chose to use • Yoast. I think it stands out just a bit more, but mostly because hardly anybody else uses it, so think about what works for you and pick something!

Another opportunity for branding is the knowledge panel that might show up for your brand. Knowledge panels are a type of rich results in the search engines. They are a great asset to have. Be sure to optimize everything you can in that if you have one!

Conclusion

So, we’ve seen that branding is more than just having a logo. Branding needs to consistent, as it is one of the hallmarks of a great enterprise. But, truly measuring the efforts your branding is hard. That’s why you should focus more on what it is you want to do with the outcome of the research. Branding in the search results is something relatively simple, which can result in a lot of brand recognition. Which steps will you take to do better branding for your company?

Read more: 5 tips to improve your branding »

SEO Company by DBL07.co

Via http://www.scpie.org/building-a-brand-for-your-business/

source https://scpie.weebly.com/blog/building-a-brand-for-your-business

[laurelkrugerr]

Building a brand for your business

Joost de Valk

Joost de Valk is the founder and Chief Product Officer of Yoast. He’s a digital marketer, developer and an Open Source fanatic.

At Yoast, we pride ourselves on our branding. I would go as far as saying that it has attributed a lot to our success. I also think that good and consistent branding needs to be talked about more, as it is one of the hallmarks of a great enterprise. Please let me explain why I think it’s important for a business to think about their branding and give some examples of what we did. Hopefully, it’ll inspire you to do better branding for your company!

What is branding?

First, let’s look at some definitions. The American marketing agency Association on their site defines a brand as:

A brand is a name, term, design, symbol or any other feature that identifies one seller’s good or service as distinct from those of other sellers.

Lexico defines branding as:

The promotion of a particular product or company by means of advertising and distinctive design.

On the scientific side, definitions range widely too. David Aaker, called the “Father of Modern Branding” by marketing agency text book writer Philip Kotler, defines branding as:

“Far more than a name and logo, it is an organization’s promise to a customer to deliver what a brand stands for…in terms of functional benefits but also emotional, self-expressive, and social benefits”

David Aaker in Aaker on Branding

So, branding is the whole package: the name, the images, the advertising, the story. Good branding associates your company and/or product with positive feelings. Some major brands even go as far as only promoting the feelings in their advertisements, because we all know what the product is. If you’re in that stage, you’ve reached true “brand recognition”. If you succeed in making people feel certain feelings because they’ve bought something from you, the way I feel when I drink a Diet Coke, for instance, you’ve hit the jackpot.

How do you measure branding?

As digital marketers, we tend to want to measure everything and we think we can measure everything equally well. I don’t think that’s the case for branding. You might have the budget to do large scale brand research, but only truly big brands usually have that kind of money. And when you’re doing that research, the bigger question is: what do you want to do with the outcome of that research?

To go one step deeper, we probably need to define better what we’d be measuring if we can measure anything. I find this brand knowledge pyramid in this article by P. Chandon from INSEAD very useful:

So, if you see the above pyramid, brand awareness is a pre-requisite for everything else. If people don’t consider you when they’re making a purchase, everything else you do to “charge” your brand is useless. More people searching for you online, which you can see through, for instance, Google Trends, is a good measure of brand awareness. Note that it is always relative to your competition. Comparing searches for “Yoast” with searches for “Coca-Cola” is both non-sensical and mostly just self-flagellation. However, comparing searches for “Yoast SEO Company” with searches for “WordPress SEO Company” makes much more sense, and luckily, it shows that we won that battle 5 years ago.

If you really want to measure the impact, I think the smartest thing to do for smaller businesses is just seeing whether more people search for your brand online.

The brand “Yoast”

Given our definitions above, the brand Yoast has two sides to it: the brand image and the “functional” aspects of the brand. The functional aspects are a result of the functionality of our product, the quality of our UX, the usefulness of our features. To be able to build a good brand, having at least one good product is a requirement. Of course, that product can be a news site, or information, or whatever you want it to be, but it has to be great. For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that’s a given. The great product is there and exists.

The brand name

Some things get lost in history, and that’s kind of funny. Yoast is how you pronounce my first name (Joost) if you’d pronounce it in English. Basically, toast with a Y. These days, people at conferences who don’t know this, sometimes introduce me as “this is Juiced from Yoast”, which always cracks me up. What’s most important though is that Yoast is short, it’s easy to remember and it’s unique in our space.

For a while, keyword domain names were all the rage in the SEO Company industry. If you want to include the most important keyword for your business, make sure you stick something on to it that makes it rememberable and unique. This will make it a lot easier for people to search specifically for you. Some examples of this are for instance SearchEngineLand and Search Engine Journal. While they both clearly have the keyword in their brand name, the addition does make it a lot easier to search for them. At the same time, they do have longer brand names because of that. If your company name is long, think of whether abbreviating it is a good idea. Some of the best brands in the world are abbreviations: KLM, IBM, H&M, AT&T. You might not even know the words behind some of those abbreviations!

Building the brand image

Mijke, our brand manager, was one of the very first people I hired when I started hiring people. Erwin, the illustrator behind all of our avatars and a lot of the other images you see on this site, followed soon after. From the very beginning, things like color schemes and logos were important. But, also our positioning on who we are in the world are things that we’ve deemed as very important.

Even before he was a Yoast employee, Erwin drew my avatar. Paul Madden created my very first avatar as a doodle at a conference, and while very nice, Erwin improved upon it quite a bit. Later, when Yoast started growing, we asked Erwin to create an avatar for every new employee. We still endeavor to do this, but admittedly we’re running quite a bit behind at the moment.

If you’re interested in our avatars, this infographic is quite interesting (click to enlarge as it’s rather big):

Logos, but also: so much more

In many ways, our avatars were more important at the beginning of Yoast than our logo was. Our avatars, with their recognizable style, immediately made clear that someone who responded somewhere was a Yoast employee. People remember our avatars while most people do not remember our older logo’s.

The old Yoast logo vs the current one

You cannot just create a logo and then be done with it, you’ll have to give it some more thought, and depending on how big your company is, sometimes even a lot of thought.

Our branding is in every post image we create. You won’t find a lot of stock photos on Yoast.com, we use custom made illustrations for every important aspect of our site. Illustrations that contain exactly what we want them to contain, and are examples for the world we want to live in. These illustrations also hang in our offices as decoration, and during the COVID-19 work from home episode, we allowed our employees to pick one and we sent them some of these illustrations to hang on their home walls. That’s when you know your branding does bring a sense of community, just as in the pyramid above.

Branding in the search results

One of the things that I’ve always been very keen on is doing proper branding in the search results. It’s really important that when someone is researching a topic and you rank for a lot of the terms in that topic, they see you rank. Even if they don’t click on the first result. This is why I’ve always said it’s very important to include your brand name in titles. This is another spot where a relatively short brand name will help you, as you’ve got just so much more space to add a meaningful title. Usually, it makes the most sense to add the brand name to the end of the title and make it easily distinguishable. This can be as simple as - Brand name, we chose to use • Yoast. I think it stands out just a bit more, but mostly because hardly anybody else uses it, so think about what works for you and pick something!

Another opportunity for branding is the knowledge panel that might show up for your brand. Knowledge panels are a type of rich results in the search engines. They are a great asset to have. Be sure to optimize everything you can in that if you have one!

Conclusion

So, we’ve seen that branding is more than just having a logo. Branding needs to consistent, as it is one of the hallmarks of a great enterprise. But, truly measuring the efforts your branding is hard. That’s why you should focus more on what it is you want to do with the outcome of the research. Branding in the search results is something relatively simple, which can result in a lot of brand recognition. Which steps will you take to do better branding for your company?

Read more: 5 tips to improve your branding »

SEO Company by DBL07.co

source http://www.scpie.org/building-a-brand-for-your-business/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/03/building-brand-for-your-business.html