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jatphantomsimagines · 4 years ago

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Before Us (2) | Luke Patterson

Synopsis: In 1995, Sunset Curve was set to play The Orpheum. 25 years later they wake up in a whole new world and Luke finds somebody he once used to know.

Authors Note: I apologize ahead of time because this chapter is mainly filler, just gotta move the story along (and also show y’all Julie + Riley’s friendship)

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All night long all Riley could think about was how quiet Julie had been at school after her crying session in the hallway. She was worried, so she decided upon waking up that she would head over to Julie’s house and walk with her to school.

She had made it quickly, her thoughts clouded with the music that flooded through her headphones. They were old recordings she had found of her mom’s music, having moved them to her computer and changing them to a playable format. It was comfortable for her to be able to hear her mom, being able to sing along with her. Every so often there would be a duet, a boy's voice chiming in and singing along.

Riley wasn’t sure who it was, not knowing much about her mom’s past besides what her dad had told her. This mystery man sang in Riley’s ears, her nerves calming and easing her anxieties about walking into Julie’s house unannounced.

Walking up to the house, she could hear something coming from the backyard and she removed one of her headphones. Riley made her way down the stairs to Julie’s garage, heading over to the doors she could hear the familiar sound of piano chords being played and Julie’s voice ringing out through the open air. She echoed, energy seeming to buzz around Riley causing the hair on her arms to stand up.

Tears came into her eyes and before she could stop herself she was running over and pushing the door open and looking Julie dead on. The girl continued singing, a smile lighting up her face and their gazes meeting. Julie finished singing and called the girl over, Riley joining the girl on the piano bench. The feeling was familiar, having been in this position so many times throughout their childhood.

As Julie was about to speak up, both their attentions were brought over to the door where Flynn was storming in.

“Carlos told me you’d be out here.” The two stared her down, waiting for her to continue. “The three of us need to talk.”

“Are you okay?” Julie asked, Riley motioning for the girl to come closer to the piano, genuine worry flitting across her face.

“No, I’m not okay Julie. You just got kicked out of music! I’ve been up all night thinking about what I was going to say. Might’ve drank seven sodas, but I need to get this out.”

Riley couldn’t help but giggle, piping up quietly. “I thought that was how you spent most nights.”

Flynn turned to look at the girl, rolling her eyes the same way Julie did when she was teased. Riley knew that the girls loved her antics, and even if they got annoyed sometimes they wouldn’t hesitate to be the first people to fight for her.

“Look Julie, you can’t give up music. And Riley agrees.” Riley shook her head, looking very serious as Flynn motioned to her. “Your music is like a gift so that would be a tragedy. So, you’re basically cancelling Christmas, and I love Christmas.”

“May I add, I also love Christmas.” Julie couldn’t help but laugh at that comment, Flynn continuing on her rant without even batting an eyelash.

“When we were six we all promised to be in a band together. The Triple Threat.”

“I never agreed to that name.” Julie piped up.

“Yeah well Riley did and that’s two versus one, anyways! Jules, if you leave the music program the three of us will be apart forever. That’s just what happens.” She joined the other two on the bench and Riley reached around Julie so she could rub Flynn’s back lightly. She knew that the other girl was over exaggerating but her worries were still valid and Riley wanted to ease them.

“Sure we’ll see each other in the hall sometime, but we’ll have different lives, make new friends.”

“That’s not true. Can I please talk now?” Julie pleaded with the other girl and Flynn finally relented. “I just played the piano and sang again.”

A look of shook covered Flynn’s face and she laughed, looking between the two girls in disbelief. Riley nodded, still not quite believing it herself that her best friend was playing music again.

“What? Why didn’t you just say so?”

“Well she would've had you not barged in and let your seven soda’s kick in.” Riley pointed out.

“I’m so happy for you! And us!” She quickly grabbed Riley’s hand and squealed. “Look at you, looking all, I don’t know, alive again!”

“What made you play again?” Riley asked, bumping her shoulder gently about Julie’s. She was curious, wondering if Julie had managed to work through her grief during the night.

“I found this song my mom wrote me.” She paused showing the two girls the song on the piano. Riley read it over and felt her heart clench. The song was all about moving on and moving forward, exactly what Julie needed right now. She hugged the girl tightly, still holding Flynn’s hand and giving it a squeeze.

“I was so afraid to play it. Anything involving music reminds me of her. And then I woke up this morning, realizing that’s why I should play it. To keep her memory alive.” Flynn awed slightly and moved closer, wrapping herself around Julie’s other side and joining the group hug. Flynn gasped, pulling away quickly and speaking.

“We need to tell Mrs. Harrison you can play so you can stay in school and our lives won’t be the awful pictures I just painted for you.” Riley laughed, standing up and dragging both girls with her. They made their way out of the garage together, Julie stopping to close the door behind herself.

“Oh hey.” Julie speaking caused both Flynn and Riley to turn around and face the girl. Riley raised an eyebrow as Julie stared at the empty space next to her and Flynn coughed. She turned to look at the girls, realizing they were still there. “Let’s hustle.”

And with that Julie was ushering the two girls off and on their way to school. The three of them huddled together laughing and talking about how they were going to convince Mrs. Harrison to let Julie stay in the music program.

The easiest decision the three of them could come up with was to let Julie perform in front of her, hoping that Julie’s “killer voice and pure talent” would blow her away, Flynn’s words. Riley agreed, piping in that once Mrs. Harrison heard Julie again she would let her back into the program.

Time seemed to pass by quickly as the three of them talked and talked, laughing away at each other’s stupid okes and making silly quips here and there. The energy around the three of them was comfortable, a relaxing presence that brought all of them some peace.

“Do you think she’ll really let me back in?” Julie asked as the three girls walked up and into the school.

“She has too, you’re too good to let go.” Riley answered.

“Believe me, I think it’s wonderful that you sang again. I prayed for this moment for almost a year. But it’s too late.” Mrs. Harrison gave the girls an apologetic look and Riley felt her shoulders slump. There was no way it could end like this. She hadn’t even given Julie an actual chance to prove herself.

“But what if you just hear her play, you know she’s amazing.” Riley pleaded. Mrs. Harrison shook her head.

“It wouldn’t matter. A new student starts tomorrow. There’s only--”

“So many spots.” Julie finished, knowing the line by now. “And if I don’t participate, I’m out. I know.”

“I did everything I could to keep you here this year, but Principal Lessa was very clear that yesterday was your last chance. You’ll have to reapply next semester.” The bell rang as Mrs. Harrison finished explaining the situation to the girls and Riley couldn’t help but feel as if they had lost one of the most important battles of their lives.

They had worked so hard, she had seen the progress Julie had made, had even heard her sing alone that morning. The sound of Julie finally letting go of all the pent up emotions she had been harboring and pouring them out into the best version of themselves.

“I’m truly sorry.” She finished. Students began to file in for the next class and Riley led the girls out of the room, Flynn slinging her arm around Julie’s shoulders, trying to offer some comfort from the situation.

The girls looked between each other and Riley sighed, the familiar action of her hands sliding into her pockets offering her some minor comfort. The jacket she wore belonged to her mother, something she had seen her wearing many times in photos of her own youth, and while Julie played music to stay connected to her mother, Riley went through her things and wore her clothes.

“This sucks.” She kicked her toe into the ground, rubbing her shoe until a small sprout of pain surfaced. A frown stayed placed on her lips, Julie looking up at her and taking her hand in her own.

“It’s going to be okay, I’ll get in next semester.”

“But you’re playing music now! You should be allowed to have the tools and training that we do, who cares if you needed some time.” Riley groaned and gripped her hair in hands. Julie ran over quickly, recognizing the action as a stress habit the other had developed after being in the car accident that killed her mother.

“Riley, breathe.” Julie led the breaths, placing a hand on Riley’s diaphragm, just as her mother had done when the girl would have panic attacks at their home. After a few moments of breathing, Riley calmed down and the urge to pull at herself went away.

“Thank you, mi cielo.”

Before Us Tags:

@vicesvsvirtuesfanfic @dpaccione @ashleyleblancx

#julie and the phantoms #julie and the phantoms imagines #julie and the phantoms luke #luke julie and the phantoms #luke patterson #luke patterson imagine #luke patterson angst #luke patterson fluff #luke patterson fic #luke patterson fanfiction

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jackedspicer · 4 years ago

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a bio for my xiaolinsona! she’s a work in progress so i’m bound to come back and change it. trivia and more in depth information is under the readmore :)

continued trivia:

she’d show up somewhere near the start of season 4

she’s used a LOT for slapstick. in fact she’s mostly a comic relief character

she’s guided mainly by emotions, is right brain oriented, and is a hands-on learner

there is a running gag where she frequently has bandaids on her fingers, hands, arms, or anywhere really

she’s a massive funk junkie. LOVES disco. she’s also a great dancer

when she comes up with xiaolin showdowns, sometimes she’ll base it off of fun recreational activities or things that seem harmlessly mundane, like mini golf..... tic tac toe.....dance-off...... rock paper scissors..... the showdowns themselves obviously end up being high-stakes and lethal as they always are, except they’re based off of goofy premises

she’s probably musically accented by grunge that’s slightly funky

when it’s funny, she occasionally will use huge words or make jarringly philosophical statements, eg patrick star’s “the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma” cut to footage of milk spilling

shes a lot like charlie kelly. in general. any charlie moment is just. Her. she’s a wild card and screams every line and huffs glue and tries to get the honey out of a hornets nest outside of jacks house because she thinks hornets make honey and she likes ghouls and she genocides the rats in his basement and sleeps ass to ass with him and is illiterate

she likes to do arts and crafts but they almost always come out as abominations. she’ll occasionally borrow some of jack’s tools to construct her latest atrocity, and she’ll refer to them by a wrong/made up name while she’s at it. “the hacksaw duey”, “the electric hole puncher,” ”the automatic pizza cutter”, etc. yes the projects and the bandaids have a direct cause and effect relationship. please refer to this video (and this channel in general)

youtube

imagine her sitting at a table and just doing this in jack’s lair... this video alone can be used to sum up so much of her. the technique. the bandaids. the blatantly wrong information that’s said with such conviction. the dark turn towards the end of the video. “superfluous protrusion.” the way it ends

continued trivia pt. 2, taken from my instagram

(i’ll get into this more further down the post)

fighting style because this is xiaolin showdown:

she has a very nimble, disorienting style of combat. using pokemon stats as an analogy, her highest would be speed by far, followed by attack, with her lowest stats being defense and special attack. this combined with her unrelenting nature makes her an excellent distraction and a general nuisance, but she doesn’t fare well in prolonged head to head battle.

favorite shen gong wu:

monkey staff, mikado arms, fancy feet, neptune helmet, hoduko mouse, woozy shooter (on herself), tongue of saiping, longi kite, indigo pyramid (on jack (cause it’s funny))

*the shen gong wu she’s most skilled with in battle are ones that trip up her opponents and cause status ailments. kinda like a prankster

backstory/analysis:

at her core, she’s a jolly, optimistic, humorous person, but her unruly, isolating childhood put a blow on her psyche. much like jack spicer, she’s been virtually alone her entire life - she was rejected by peers and adult figures alike since earliest childhood, and her home life was turbulent at best.

to ease the pain, at some point, she took on resenting and judging those around her as a means to cope. she has a holden caulfield-esque defense mechanism in play where if everybody sucks for this reason, or that reason, or those reasons, then she has justification for detaching herself from others, and she can derive her only source of self esteem from being better than them. this hurts far less than the devastating truth that she cannot connect with people on account of feeling so worthless and estranged from other human beings that she could never have the chance to be cared about by anyone. deep down, she’s in desperate, thrashing need of support and genuine human connection, and she has a warped perception of how she can achieve that.

she’s taken up evil as a hobby because it nurtures her desire to be destructive and, again, just like jack spicer, she engages in it as a way to feel seen. all press is good press, and the best way to make the headline is to cause some damage. what sets her apart from him in this regard, though, is that she takes all of her pain out on her enemies (in this case, the xiaolin monks) because she can’t stand how well off they are - instead, on the basis of their acceptance of one another, she sees them as goody two-shoes phonies who ought to be knocked down a peg. while evil to jack is both a means of getting much needed attention and a convoluted way of spending time with friends, to sid it’s a way to vent frustrations and a way to, well... still garner attention, but also spend time with a friend, except the friend is jack.

the other half of the reason she partakes in petty villainy is that it’s just... fun. she only got wrapped up in all this because she’d been restlessly putzing around somewhere remote, found a neat doohicky she planned on keeping, and when one thing led to another she wound up in a xiaolin showdown against jack. experiencing the chaos unfold revealed a golden opportunity she couldn’t pass up, so she asked jack to let her come with, debuting their partnership (i talk about this in further detail at the end of the post). goofing off and doing evil with him is so much fun to her! it makes her feel alive, a sensation and state of mind she never could fully achieve before.

noteworthy relationships:

jack:

they have a team rocket thing going on. not in terms of their interpersonal dynamic, but rather their role in the story, how much of a threat they pose as, their schemes, and even their overall attitude are reminiscent of the iconic duo; they’re petty, recurring villains with hearts of gold who aren’t above occasionally siding with the good guys.

even though they both are on the same tier of comic relief and general foolishness, the metaphor i like to draw is that jack is the left brain and sid is the right brain.

their personalities have such chemistry and they’re both so goofy that they effortlessly sync up. everyone thinks it’s REALLY annoying

they’re best friends! they actually care very deeply for one another, even if they might have funny ways of showing it. they may be evil, but they’re mutually the only and closest friend the other has ever had, and with that carries a lot of weight. think of it - the first person you meet who hasn’t been nothing but awful to you likes you and wants to be around you. What a concept

while their relationship is platonic, there are several gags implying a romantic element, even though nothing is ever outright stated. kisses on the cheek, bashfulness, other characters making fun of them (“where’s your DUMB little girlfriend?” “..........she’s not DUMB!!!!!”), domestic references (“am i sleeping on the couch”)..... it’s left ambiguous because it’s hetbait plain and simple. somebody asks them what they even are and they say Partners In Crime wym. jack asks sid What Are We and she fist pumps the flat of her own chest twice, throws a peace sign and says We’re Bros

their nicknames for each other include but are not limited to “jackass, jacky-boy, jack-o-lantern, smarty pants, wiggles, spack jicer, spack, mr spack, spackle”, and “shortstack, pipsqueak, sid the kid, champ, funky monkey, foxy (in a funny way, he’ll say it like Whatcha Up To Foxy ? while she’s like making a mess doing an arts & crafts abomination or just vibing bein her weird lil self.... it comes from a place of playful sarcasm and affection) (champ, funky monkey, and foxy are courtesy of @currentlyfallingthroughspace)

to piggyback off of the left brain vs. right brain metaphor, “heart vs. brain is how they think, right brain vs. left brain is how they act, and two halves of a heart represents their natural dispositions” is how my aforementioned friend put it. they both have a lot of heart and are ooey gooey on the inside, but the difference is that sid can grasp the intricacies of emotional/psychological matters while jack can’t (actually knowing how to EXPRESS this is another topic). it’s in the same way that jack can effectively plan ahead, use logical reasoning, and know where to go and how to get there, but sid is shabby in this department. “one is aware but doesn’t address it until it’s too late, and one can’t see it and doesn’t ask until it’s too late.”

another feature of potential conflict in all incarnations of them is the juxtaposition of sid actually being more down to earth than jack in the grand scheme of things. jack has the potential to go completely overboard, and whether or not he demonstrates the ability to catch himself on the event horizon will ascertain the outcome.

deep down, neither of them are truly evil, and they bring this out in each other as they ultimately contribute to the redemption of one another. how this actually happens is a lot rockier. sid has the intuition and self awareness to become increasingly cognizant of the fact that she engages in schemes as a way to bond with her friend, and, over time, she’s able to recognize that she’s simply been acting out, and she consequently softens up over time - but jack is much denser in this regard. he doesn’t consciously pick up on the same things she does and still believes that she’s drinking the koolaid as much as he is. the crucial dissonance in what matters most that had been incubating under the weight of things left unsaid emerges in a major falling out that challenges the nature of their entire dynamic and respective moral codes. i had a lot of help from the same friend with the following series of events and it’s really something that ought to be gone into detail on its own post, but a whirlwind brief summary is that jack becomes desperate from losing over and over so he comes up with this sinister plan that’s just too far, sid tells him to stop, they get into a nasty fight, sid leaves and makes it clear she’s not coming back, she goes to the xiaolin dragons for help, jack goes on an evil rampage but also loses his grip and has this mental breakdown because he lost the one person who’s ever cared about him (or so he thought), sid has the same brutal separation pangs but it doesn’t change the fact that jack is still doing what he’s doing, sid gets a firsthand view of a fight breaking out between the monks while she’s working with them and has a moment of clarity when she observes how they resolve it in such a healthy way, as they continue to work together and help her through the whole fiasco she realizes they’re not so bad, an entire excruciating series of events that’s genuinely too large to fit on this post unfolds and it ultimately ends with jack actually having to team UP with the good guys to stop what he started, and it ends with them breaking down, apologizing, and beginning their redemption BUT not without the illustration of several lessons that arose out of the complications of the entire thing...... the overarching lesson that’d been entrenched in their entire dynamic from the start, albeit corny, is that caring and being cared for was all they ever needed, and they learn to cultivate that within each other right under their own noses. it would be fun to have them stay as recurring villains forever, but seeing how much good is in their hearts is enough to make you wonder how they were ever evil.

xiaolin monks:

she thinks she hates them, but she doesn’t really. while her opinion of them is marked by resentment and distaste, she also holds them in high regard. a part of her wishes she could be friends with them, but the mental landscape she’s paved for herself doesn’t reveal that as an option. in her mind, she’s already been rejected by them. so why try?

the way she takes her pain out on them - people who had nothing to do with her traumas - can be summed up by the spinel su quote, “why do i want to hurt you so bad? i’m supposed to be a friend. i just want to be a friend.”

she gets chummier with them upon her redemption. out of the group, she gets along best with clay and dojo :)

bonus origin episode

this would be the imaginary early season 4 episode i mentioned at the beginning of the post. it’s more of a loose string of ideas tied together with reckless abandon but hey. the episode would open with jack feeling lonely and down on his luck to establish the theme that he kinda needs a friend (”wuya’s gone, chase trained his cats to get surly with me if i show up, my evil dream team won’t answer my calls....”). his sulking is interrupted by a shen gong wu alert and he’s like. whatever. i don’t need them. i’m still gonna do this on my own. even if it’s. ˡᵒⁿᵉˡʸ. fastforward to the scene i described where sid is putzing around with her doohicky (which i’m considering might be the neptune helmet) all by her sad miserable lonesome when suddenly some flying bloke in a trenchcoat who looks like he hasn’t seen the sun in years shows up telling her she’s got something he needs. she of course responds with something along the lines of “you know what? why don’t you try to take it from me since you want it so bad, mr big stuff,” triggering a xiaolin showdown. this is around the time the xiaolin dragons show up too late - but they’re grateful for somebody having been there to fight jack in time, even if they have no idea who they are. she has no clue what’s going on, but whatever it is, she LOVES it. she goes buckwild. she has a time. jack, on the other hand.... well, understanding how badly he needs that wu is certainly throwing a wrench in it, but he can’t help but feel like he’s having a bit of fun too. well, up until he loses. post-showdown, the monks kinda count their chickens before they hatch so to speak and they rush over to this new kid with a shower of praise, thinking they have a friend on their side. instead, she cuts them off, shouts to the guy who’s gathering his bearings (or lack thereof) - “hey! jack was it?” - and playfully tosses her shen gong wu in the air, catching it. “you look like you need this thing way more than i do. tell you what! take me with and i’ll let you borrow it,” is what she follows it up with, implying she wasn’t really that invested and only saw the whole thing as a fun game. jack and the monks are flabbergasted. what’s more bizarre is she did in fact ask to join him, something nobody’s ever done out of their own volition before. she talks about how boooooooooooring it is here and how that was soooooo much fun and to pleeeeeeeease take her with. he’s really iffy about it and doesn’t know if it’s such a good idea. he tries to make himself look cool, telling her “as IF, shortstack..........im afraid The Jack Rides Alone................................................. but-” and ultimately buckling because he can’t deny that it would be nice to have someone around.

#IM PROBABLY GONNA COME BACK AND CHANGE SO MANY PETTY THINGS BUT I HAD TO RIP OFF THE BANDAID #xiaolin showdown #xiaolin showdown oc #xiaolinsona #draws #btw her last name is question marks because i havent come up with anything yet #i have utmost confidence about this i literally think of her and jack as a duo even though shes not a real character #also it's important to add that i hope it goes without saying that a lot of her qualities arent direct translations of my own #her qualities are based on my own and are in some cases translated to represent how it would manifest in this narrative #sonas are tools u know. not being like THIS IS LITERALLY ME!!! cause its a bit different #for example my own opinions of the other characters and her opinions of the other characters differ. u kno for tha story #xiaolinsonabio

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wroammin · 5 years ago

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Friend Troubles

Part 1 | Part 2 (You are here!)

Ao3

Pairings: Prinxiety, Platonic Dukexiety

Word Count: 1,518

Warnings: lots more cursing in this one because remus

A/N: hey uhh if anyone’s figured out how to write human interaction or title these things please let me know

Virgil could still see Roman’s horrified face when he woke up in the morning. The memory brought a small smile to his face, which was usually a rare occurrence before 12 o’clock. Or any time of day, really.

He supposed that he should perhaps feel some kind of guilt for purposely messing up Roman’s scenes, but after meeting him, any sort of those morally confusing notions he’d been having had been quickly forgotten.

Virgil knew why Roman had gone up to the booth yesterday, of course. But judging by Roman’s excessively flustered demeanor as he apologized for forgetting him, Virgil suspected he wouldn’t have to worry about getting kicked off crew for sabotage at least for a while. He felt a little bit satisfied with himself at that.

So, naturally, the slight skip in his step as he made his way to his locker was bound to attract the attention of demonic, happiness-sucking entities. Two hands clamped around the side of his headphones and yanked them down to his neck.

“Hey, what gives?” Virgil said, not bothering to turn around as he pulled out his phone and paused his music.

“Aw, I’m truly sorry for interrupting your Fifty Shades of Grey audiobook–”

“It was not–”

“Ooh, Fifty Shades Freed, then! I didn’t really peg you as the type, Virgil, but I guess even prudish emos have to let loose sometimes.”

“Good morning to you, too, Remus.” Virgil sighed, pulling his hood up and then stuffing his hands back into his pockets.

Remus just cackled like a hyena, suddenly reminding Virgil of the fact that, although he and Roman were twins, their relation in Virgil’s mind ended there. Remus’s hysterical howling was nothing like Roman’s warm laughter, and even Remus’s ratty mess of a mane was a stark contrast to Roman’s coiffed locks.

“Oh! I heard about your little encounters with my dearly beloved brother, Prick Charming.” They continued walking in the direction of Virgil’s locker.

“Yeah? What’d he say?” The darker-haired boy asked with an unamused sideways glance. His friend’s eyes were trained on something further down the hall.

“Probably something as stupid as he usually says, I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.” Remus abruptly made a gross face at the random freshman he’d been staring down, sending them scrambling into the nearest hallway as quickly as they could. He laughed maniacally to himself, wiping away a fake tear. “Works every time.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Uh, aren’t friends supposed to like, stick up for each other when someone’s talking shit about them behind their back? Or at least pay attention when they do?”

“Huh?” Remus said as he scanned the hallway for more unsuspecting freshmen, frowning as soon as he realized there were none left. Virgil repeated the question. “Oh, Roman wasn’t talking shit about you. I would’ve beat his ass if he was.”

“What? Then what was he saying?” Virgil tried to keep his voice impassive, but confusion and curiosity inevitably leaked into his tone.

“Ugh, I don’t wanna think too hard about the stupid shit my brother says, Virge, but I think he was talking about your… laugh? ”

“My laugh.” Virgil mumbled, finally coming to a stop at his locker. “Wait, he was talking about my… laugh? But he wasn’t talking shit about it?”

He turned to ask Remus to elaborate, but his friend had already shot off down the hallway after two underclassmen.

It was probably nothing. He told himself to forget about it completely. And by the time a certain actor swung by the tech booth later that afternoon, he already had.

[]•[]•[]

The troubles with the tech booth hadn’t stopped after Roman’s visit up to the booth the day before. In fact, although Roman was hesitant to admit it, things seemed like they were only getting worse. So, he kept on investigating.

Roman grabbed his bag and made his way up to the booth. Remembering his first visit, Roman made an effort to arrive a little earlier so he could meet more of the crew.

In all honesty, Roman wasn’t entirely sure what, or who, he was looking for. Was it a scorned classmate? Perhaps someone who was jealous of his role as a lead? Or was it truly just someone who was plain awful at manning the booth?

Whoever or whatever it was that was causing these mistakes, Roman had to do a little more digging before he could start connecting dots.

That was the main– if not, the only–reason why Roman stayed after everyone else finally left the tech booth. Well, almost everyone else.

“Hello again, Virgil-who-is-a-friend-of-my-brother’s!” Roman exclaimed as he heard the last of the crew slip down the ladder and out of the booth. Virgil shot the actor a glare, which quickly turned into an amused stare as he finally realized what Roman was wearing.

“Couldn’t bother to get out of costume, Princey?”

Roman looked down as if he’d forgotten he was in-costume, which Virgil thought would be impossible with how extravagant his outfit was, with golden shoulder epaulets and a bright red sash fitted across his chest.

He looked back up at Virgil, brows knit together. “What do you mean? This is what I normally wear.”

The techie rolled his eyes, and Roman finally let his fake confusion drop in favor of a beaming grin.

“Okay, okay. So I didn’t have time to change because I wanted to get here earlier. Sue me.”

“I’m considering it.” Virgil muttered, crossing his arms.

“Well, I see you’re feeling chattier today!”

The darker-haired boy frowned and went quiet. Roman’s chocolate-brown eyes widened.

“Oh, I– uh, sorry? Was that rude? If it was, I’m–”

“Truly sorry?” Virgil sighed, wondering just how much more of a Prince Charming cliché Roman could be. “Don’t worry about it, Princey. Remus has made far worse comments.”

Roman looked genuinely relieved at not having offended Virgil, which made the techie feel... something. Probably just confusion at seeing an expression of relief on a face that resembled Remus’s, who never felt guilty for doing anything.

“I’m sure he has.” The actor agreed with a soft smile.

It was quiet for a couple of moments, which made Virgil a little nervous.

“Can I trust you?” Roman suddenly asked, leaning lazily on the wall and staring expectantly at the darker-haired boy.

Jesus, was this some kind of weird attempt to let Virgil incriminate himself? Probably not, he considered, since Roman was so incredibly and unbelievably polite, but he hesitated anyway. Virgil should have just stayed silent, really… but there were no spotlights to fix in the booth this time around to keep him entertained, and something about Roman’s ridiculous prince costume made Virgil want to poke fun at him some more. So, he answered.

“I guess you could, but it’s probably not the smartest idea.”

“But… not the dumbest?” Roman inquired, cocking his head.

“Is that really how you decide whether or not to do something? If it’s not the dumbest idea possible, it’s good enough?”

Roman let out a small laugh. “Not always. Sometimes it’s the dumbest idea possible and I do it anyway.”

“Guess that explains why you chose to stay here after rehearsals again.” Virgil huffed, grabbing the handles of a nearby spotlight.

“Right, well, I was hoping you could help me with something.” Roman pushed off of the wall and approached Virgil, who was sitting on one of the fold-out chairs by the viewing box and now aimlessly swinging a spotlight back and forth. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed it yourself, but there have been a couple of… recurring issues with some key scenes in the play. Namely, all of the ones I’m in.”

“I’ve noticed a couple.” Virgil held the spotlight’s handles a little tighter, wondering if Roman was really about to confront him about the sabotage right then and there. Had he read things wrong? Did Roman actually know it was him?

Roman continued, “And seeing as you’re seemingly always up here–”

“I’m not.”

“–Could you maybe help keep an eye out? For anything, erm, suspicious? I don’t really know what to look for, but since I can’t be up here while I’m onstage, a helping hand– or, eye– would really be appreciated.”

So Roman hadn’t quite figured things out. Virgil could work with that.

“Huh.” He eased his iron grip on the spotlight and turned to fully face Roman, suddenly feeling a little bolder. His newfound bravery probably had something to do with the fact that he was the only one in the room not wearing a stupid prince outfit. “So you want me to help you?”

“I– well, you don’t have to, I just thought–”

“No, yeah, I know, but… how do you know it’s not me doing all that stuff?” Virgil tried to look nonchalant, but his brain was screaming at him to shutupshutupshutup.

“Well... I guess that’s where the trust comes in!” Roman gave him a bright, crooked grin, and Virgil felt something shift in the pit of his stomach.

He turned his gaze away from Roman’s stupidly perfect, sunshiney smile.

“You sure are something, Princey… I’ll help you out.”

#writing again is fun but legit reading some of this made me go 🤢🤢 ‘what was me from five seconds ago THINKING??’#this was also completely self-indulgent but i hope you all enjoyed it somewhat nevertheless!#sanders sides #thomas sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #ts roman #ts virgil #ts remus #prinxiety #platonic dukexiety #my writing stuff #cursing #cussing #swearing

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monster-noises · 4 years ago

Text

under a cut cause Idk how long this is gunna be... (hint... it’s Long) CW: confusing trans stuff, surgery mention, there’s nothin graphic and it doesn’t get Too Heavy so don’t worry

I have such a.. weird relationship with my body and my gender and change and I am so frustrated with it right now...

In case you hadn’t.. guessed from my highly unspecific cryptic references over the last few days I was just lucky enough have had top surgery on the 10th, which is something I’ve been waiting five years for and I’m so relieved it’s finally happened at least theoretically my real emotions are much more complicated and far less... elated I don’t like change, especially sudden, abrupt, change. It’s not fun, it’s hard to process, and it’s always incredibly stressful. And top surgery is a Big Permanent change to my Permanent Singular Human Body. I can’t go back now, my bodies now different than it has been from the body it was for over a decade. All familiarity with it stops here and needs to be rebuilt from 0. And my brain doesn’t care if it /knows/ it’s the right decision for my happiness long term or my quality of life, that’s!!!! too much!!! it’s too much!! I can feel nothing but looming distress and dizzying discomfort! I had.. similar fears and worries about regret and dissatisfaction just before going on T. I was /terrified/ it wasn’t going to be the right choice for me, the shaky impermanence of my identity up to that point made me worried I would start T and “phase out” of “being trans” and it would be too late (turns out, a shaky impermanent sense of identity is a symptom of being Trans and not out to yourself, who woulda’ guessed?) I would have changed (read: damage) what,at the time, was a perfectly reasonable body and I wouldn’t be able to go back. Five years on those fears seem Ridiculous, I was miserable, I was uncomfortable in my body and could not relate to it at all! And now I’m able to feel (somewhat shaky, but definitely much more present) confidence in my appearance, and the face in the mirror gets less and less foreign as that chasm that so long separated me from myself grows smaller and shallower. But I had five years to slowly adjust to the changes brought on by T as they appeared one, maybe two at a time. And only in the last year or two have they really settled into a human vision that I can call “The person I thought I would become as a child” Top surgery is much more...immediate There is not years-long period of slow steady changes until one day you look in the mirror and realize “Oh.. when did he finally get here?” it’s rapid, and all at once, one day that changes everything in a small two hour window. So suffice to say... my brain is not Elated, or relieved, or excited, or euphoric, or any of the other emotions people relate to their top surgery. Instead have a mundane toiling knot in my gut that I’ve somehow done something very wrong. I remind myself I haven’t, I remind myself of all the things I’ll finally be able to do, the things I’ll be able to feel comfortable doing again, the ways it will make my life easier, that last tiny leap across the crack in the earth to join my body and my person, and I remind myself that “The way things have always been, they were fine, you were fine, you didn’t need this” is completely untrue, and is something we will see stronger in retrospect than we do now. I still can’t shake it though. The damnable feeling that something has gone wrong. I think that has a lot to do with my issues with change but also the fact that there is a long drawn out recovery process that has so far proven to be uncomfortable and miserable does not make the awaited feelings of gender euphoria come any faster. I think once this fucking binder is off, I don’t have tape and gauze all over my chest, I don’t have to sleep on my back and grit my teeth through the ensuing back and hip pain, and I can just live and get used to things being the Way They Are Now, the euphoria will come, just as it did with T, or when I cut my hair, or changed my name and pronouns, those thoughts of “But things are fine, sure it’s uncomfortable sometimes but you don’t /need/ to change” will be replaced with “you made the right choice, you chose to live” but I’m not there yet and if I’m being honest with where I am right now I’m.... kinda miserable in a very different way than the subtle pervasive misery of my specific experience with dysphoria but none the less I’m not... happy not yet I think I need to mourn? is that... would that be accurate? do you mourn the loss of something you didn’t want? that you distinctly felt as your body betraying you when they first appeared? that you wished you wouldn’t get, that maybe you’d be the exception and you wouldn’t have to deal with? (all very real thoughts I had as a 9 year old going shopping for a training bra) can you.. mourn that? I wish I could just.. have the text book experience, wake up post surgery and cry tears of joy and relief. say “yes please” when the nurse asks me if I want to see my chest for the first time and grin at the new beautiful home that’s been crafted for me. Feel giddy and euphoric and proud as I go through the healing process, answer every “how do you feel?” from caring friends and relatives with an earnest “fantastic!” but instead I have a quiet murmured “not yet” to a now slightly confused nurse, no smiles, no big celebrations, an ever building tension about the final reveal, feigned enthusiasm when responding to the texts and phone calls (though I don’t have the feign too much, I can be truly enthusiastic about the fact I am in almost no pain, which has been brilliant, thank you body, for that at least). A disjointed experience that I don’t understand. It’s all very... isolating. And I feel like I can’t talk about it because it’s not dripping with the expected celebratory tones, it’s not even like... just a quieter experience, it’s genuinely kinda sad. And how do you talk about that? how do you expect people to react to that? “Hey everyone! I got this thing I’ve been waiting over half a decade for at long last! but I feel like shit about it right now! come back in 2-4 months when I’ll have settled into it and we can celebrate then!” That’s a great way to invite people to try and talk to you about things that they don’t understand and you don’t know you can explain even to people who Might. I’m worried about my final reaction to the big reveal, which will probably be tomorrow as I take the binder off to wash myself as best I can without gettin’ the gauze wet. I have a feeling I’m not going to react at all, I’ve never been one for big emotional reactions even without all the weird other shit going on, but I would like to feel... something. Ideal, some kind of joy, okay.. maybe only some kinda joy, I think breaking down crying would suck pretty bad. Regardless, I’m not looking forward to my big reveal moment reaction being a Neutral Head Nod. At least I won’t have to perform it for anyone. Being trans is weird and hard and I want to crawl into a cocoon for the next six weeks please and thank you.

#monster noises

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writingfromkitchenator · 5 years ago

Text

Nothing is Wrong

A Dragon Age Fanfic

Anders x Fem!Hawke

Words: 5,886

Warnings: Angst, small bit of fluff, wounded Hawke

This is my first Dragon Age fic! I’ve fallen hard into the fandom and just had to get at least one fic out of my head, so hopefully you can all enjoy (even though it is rather angsty). This is set in Act 3 of Dragon Age 2.

As always, feedback is highly appreciated.

She knew there was something wrong.

She kept telling herself that there wasn't, that there was enough mess for her to clean up in this city as it was, but Maker forbid the thought wouldn't leave her alone.

It always returned the loudest in the quiet moments, where she had to walk away and find something to do less she actually look at it closer, but then it started to invade the louder moments too, a simple glance or comment and the thought would tumble forward.

There isn't anything wrong, she kept telling herself, we've worked too hard for this.

Yet it persisted through problem after problem in the city, bitterness creeping through into her words as more and more people asked for help.

She had her own problems, couldn't someone fix those for her? Give her a break?

Still, with a shrug and a smile that was fooling no one close to her, she kept going.

There wasn't anything wrong.

It was Varric who found her first after a particularly nasty fight out on the Storm Coast, tucked as far away in a corner of the Hanged Man as she could be, a half empty tankard in front of her. He was good at finding her, always seemed to know who to ask or just where to go. She should ask him sometime how he managed it.

He put down a second tankard in front of her, his hand resting easily on his own, gaze kind but worried as he looked her over. “What's going on Hawke?”

A frown creases her forehead slightly and she drains the rest of her tankard before pulling the other forward. “Nothing, just saving the day, as usual.”

But Varric knew better. The damned dwarf always knew better. “C'mon Hawke, even Daisy's noticed you haven't been yourself lately, Andraste's ass, Rivaini even asked why you didn't respond to her joke earlier, so she has too. What's wrong?”

Hawke remains silent, the growing worry twisting her stomach, making her suddenly want to be anywhere but here, but she finds herself frozen in her seat, unwilling or unable to move, she's not even sure anymore.

Varric looks her over, looks over the tired eyes, the tense jaw, face covered in dirt, a cut down her cheek from a knife that had nicked her earlier, another, deeper, wound bandaged on her arm, or, as makeshift as Hawke could get it. He knew it was more than the wounds, more than the city slowly destroying itself around them, he'd only seen her like this once before and that was after Leandra died.

He waved to the barman for more drinks, keeping an eye on the slight shake in Hawke's hand as she rose it to her lips. “You know, if Blondie saw you like that, he'd flip his lid. You know he hates seeing you with any sort of blood on you.”

Hawke's jaw clenched and she swallowed thickly, forcibly keeping her gaze away from him.

“Ah,” Varric sighed. “Things not going the best right now?”

“There's nothing wrong.” The words sounded rehearsed, even to Hawke's ear, causing her to purse her lips and drain the rest of the tankard in one go. “I told you that already.”

“And I believe I already said it was bullshit,” Varric ignores the small pleading look she gives him. “We can do this dance all night, one of us might even get drunk enough to say something else for once.”

Hawke gives a derisive snort, quickly taking the new tankard from the waitress. “These are my problems Varric. You don't need to worry yourself with them.”

“What? After everything we've dragged each other through?” She shoots him an exasperated look. “I think I owe you a thing or two by now, probably even a lot more than that.”

Finally, a small smile finally tugs at her lips. “You mean a lot more than that.”

“Cut me some slack,” Varric grins. “I'm only one dwarf after all.”

Hawke gives a light chuckle and, for the briefest of moments, her shoulders relax and Varric sees the Hawke he knows return, but as the silence drags on between them, the tenseness returns, her eyes turn sad and solemn again, a cloud returning over her head.

“Talk to me Hawke,” Varric finally said softly, edging a little closer to his friend. “Tell me what's going on so we can fix it, or go punch someone up about it even.”

No smile graces her this time, her eyes closing as she sighs deeply. For a moment, the light around them flickers, and Hawke looks a lot older than what she was, she looked like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders and she was about to crumble beneath it.

Varric waits, knowing she needed time.

“Have you…” She finally starts, but swallows, looking pained, worried, like voicing it out loud would wound her more than any blade or spell could. Her voice drops and Varric has to strain a little to hear it over the sound of the inn. “Have you noticed anything off about Anders lately?”

There it was. His question answered in hers, the weight of her worry truly showing, even as she drowns it in the mug of ale.

Varric wanted to lie, he wanted to tell her that Anders was his usual self, that maybe she was just stressed with all the mage and templar stuff happening and all the pressure that was being put on her.

But he couldn't. Varric knew better and he owed Hawke the truth and the truth only, no matter if it just made her worry more.

“Hawke,” His voice is soft and Maker help him if anyone heard him like this. “I promise it's not just you. Blondie…Anders has been rather grim lately, I've tried asking him about it, but he always shrugs it off or changes the subject. Whatever it is though, I promise, it's not about you.”

She sighs heavily and Varric watches as the weight of this seems to crush her just a little more, his heart aching for his friend. “I get the same response. I keep telling myself it's fine, but it's not, not really. It's like…it's like some part of him has changed, whether that's because of Justice or not, I don't know, but…”

Hawke falls silent for a long moment and Varric waits for her to mull over her thoughts, knowing that this was hurting, that she needed to take a moment just to process how much she was willing to say it out loud.

“It's like he's saying goodbye.” She said finally and there was the briefest flash of a tear in her eye before she wiped it away. “I just want him to talk to me, to tell me what he's doing.”

“What if you don't like the answer?”

Hawke glanced at him, her expression pained. “Then I'll still know the truth. I can deal with what comes with that after.”

She pulls her gaze away and downs her drink again, Varric pushing his own second mug in front of her. He knew, more than any of them that she wanted this to work, more than she ever let on. Maker dammit it all, he wanted it to work for her, Hawke's life had been anything but easy or simple, and she deserved to find happiness in something.

“Maybe we should tie him up,” Varric suggested half-heartedly. “Torture him till he talks.”

The laugh that left Hawke was bitter. It was awful, pained, and Varric silently hoped he never had to hear it from her again. “If I thought that would work, I promise I would do just that. If it didn't hurt so much when I just look at him lately, I would-”

Varric practically hears her teeth click together as she cuts herself off, drawing in a shaky breath and letting it out slowly, her eyes closing so she only has darkness to look at and whatever expression Varric was watching her with. “What's happening to me Varric?”

His look was filled with pity, he knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn't help it, even as he silently berated himself for it. “You're working through it, it sucks, but it happens to the best of us.”

“Working through it,” She said it numbly, ignoring the taste it left on her tongue. “I feel more like it's eating me up inside, like it's killing me.”

They sit in silence again and Varric watches as she wipes away another frustrated tear.

Dammit Hawke, he thought, why did this have to happen to you?

Varric sighs and stands, causing her to look at him. “Where are you going?”

He shoulders Bianca. “I'm going to go talk to him.”

“Varric-"

Hawke freezes halfway as Varric holds up his hands, his expression gentle. “Just talk, I promise. Maker knows you've got enough on your plate without having to pry chickens teeth out of him. Just let me deal with it, okay? He won't know you've said anything.”

She stands there frozen for a long moment before she finally sinks back into the chair, looking tired. “Okay.”

He gives her a final nod before passing another nod to the barman to keep her drink flowing and leaves, and a small shake of his head to Isabella who’s watching, concerned, from the other side of the room.

The cool air was of some relief as Varric worked his way through Lowtown, giving him some time to just think. He'd never said it to anyone, especially not Hawke, but he'd always promised himself that if Anders had ever hurt her, he'd put an arrow between his eyes. He never thought that he might actually have to indulge that thought further, and yet, here he was, making his way into Hightown to have a conversation that he just knew wasn't going to end well.

He liked Anders, he genuinely did, and, despite current circumstances, he did think that he and Hawke were a good pair. He'd never seen either of them happier when they finally gave into their damned pining (which was a whole other story) and, despite his concerns, he had happily sat back and watched the two of them flourish.

Anders was what Hawke needed. Hawke was what Anders needed.

It seemed that novelty was wearing off.

Varric shakes his head. No. There was more to it than that, that would be far too simple, and from what he'd seen of the two of them recently when they actually went out together, was still almost their old selves.

Anders gaze was still adoring whenever he thought she wasn't looking, and she always beamed brightest when she caught him. If he hadn’t been so happy to see is friend in love, then he would’ve thought it nauseating.

No, this was definitely something else.

Varric draws in a deep breath and knocks on Hawke's estate door, knowing if Anders wasn't here, he could just cut through her basement to the clinic. He wasn’t really sure where would be the better option for this conversation.

Bodahn answered, greeting him warmly. “Ah, Master Tethras, so nice to see you this evening. I'm afraid the lady isn't in at the moment.”

“That's alright Bodahn, I was actually hoping Anders was in?”

“Ah,” The pause was evident, enough to give Varric some worry, before he nods. “Yes, he returned just little while ago. He's in the library.”

Thanking him, Varric makes his way inside, giving Bear a good scratch on his head as he passes him by the fire, and makes his way across to the library.

Anders was hunkered down at the desk, surrounded by a mix of books and a large pile of notes, one page he was furiously scribbling on.

“Man, I thought my work station was bad,” Varric half laughed. “You should organize yourself a bit more Blondie, you might just find it a bit easier to work.”

Anders, who'd originally jumped at the sound of Varric's voice, now cast him a small smile. “That's probably not a bad idea, although, some notes are just random thoughts. They don't really mean much in the grand scheme of things.”

“Every note means something,” Varric said, moving to the desk and resting his back against it. “Whether we realise it at the time or not, even if you just break it up into smaller piles instead of…everywhere.”

Shaking his head, Anders put his quill down. “I’m sure you’re here for a reason Varric, apart from criticising my writing methods. Hawke isn’t here at the moment.” He frowned, as if realising this for the first time. “That’s strange, she’s usually home by now.”

“She’s drinking the night away with Isabela,” Varric lied easily enough. “I’m sure she’ll come home once she’s had enough to drink, or finally tires of Isabela flirting with her.”

“She really doesn’t give up, does she?” Anders leans back in his chair, stretching, before he pauses and looks at Varric. “So what are you doing here?”

This was going to be his only chance, Varric knew that, he knew that if he stuffed this up then Anders wouldn’t talk to him again, at least not alone. He had a brief moment of doubt, but the thought of the weight on Hawke’s shoulders quickly shook that moment free. “I came to talk to you actually.”

“Oh?” Anders looked surprised, but there was no doubting the slight hint of suspicion behind it. “Usually it’s me coming to see you.”

Varric chuckles, trying to throw off the tension shooting across his shoulders. “Well, I thought it was about time I paid you a visit, it seems like a while since we just sat and talked.”

Anders seemed to think for a moment before he chuckled lightly. “It has been a while, it’s amazing how time seems to fly by these days.” He gets to his feet. “Take a seat by the fire Varric, I’ll see if I kind find us something to drink.”

He shifts a little uncomfortably as he sits. It was still odd to him that Anders now lived here now, and while he didn’t blame Hawke, especially with the templars growing worse, it still seemed odd that he could just easily help himself to Hawke’s things.

Again, he pushed the thoughts aside, and let out a slow breath, knowing that he needed to do this for Hawke.

Anders returned with a bottle of wine, and while not normally Varric’s taste, he accepted a glass. “This seems bit a bit of an odd find for Hawke.”

“I think it was gift,” Anders said, sitting opposite him. “Probably meant to be an insult from one of the nobles.”

Varric snorts. “I’m sure they can do better than a cheap bottle of wine, either that or I give them far too much credit.”

“Oh, she’s received worse ones, trust me,” Anders said with a grin. “I think this one she was just happy to receive something useful.”

“Only Hawke could pull this off,” Varric can’t help but chuckle. “Save the city and also piss off most of the nobles.”

“Simply by existing,” A bitter note enters Anders voice. “But none of them would say it to her face of course, they all still know that they wouldn’t be here without her.”

“Oh, I still know a couple who would,” Varric shakes his head. “But Hawke knows that, that’s why she’s never let it bother her too much.”

Anders nods in agreement but doesn’t meet Varric’s eye.

Varric sighs and puts down the glass. “Are you and Hawke doing okay?”

Blinking, Anders looks at him a little surprised. “What?”

“You and Hawke,” Varric said it as lightly as he could, but the concern was still showing in his voice. “You both seem really tense lately. Is everything okay between you two?”

Anders looked at him for a moment before breaking away from his gaze, hiding something in his gaze that caused a brief flicker of panic to pass through Varric’s stomach. “Why wouldn’t we be? Things just aren’t…the best in Kirkwall at the moment. I think it’s just taking its toll on both of us, she’s constantly fighting and dealing with problems and there seem to be more and more people in the clinic lately, not to mention the templar raids.”

He wanted to pretend that Varric’s eyes on him didn’t bother him, but he knew that the dwarf always saw more than what was really being said. Varric’s gaze was intent, knowing that what was said was only the partial truth, and this bothered him even more.

“Everyone’s finding it hard at the moment,” Varric said, not bothering to hide the suspicious note in his voice. “I don’t know Blondie, it just seems more than that.”

Anders sighs, as much as he was a little annoyed at Varric for getting involved, he didn’t blame him, and he knew that Hawke was worried about him, it was only going to be a matter of time before her best friend noticed. “I…there’s just something I have to do, on my own Varric. I can’t put her at risk any more than what she already is, something that I’ve told her, and I would appreciate it if you would take that as the answer too.”

Varric was frowning and Anders knew that this conversation wasn’t just some simple catch up, that he had come here with a purpose, and he knew by that look that Varric wasn’t just about to drop it.

“After all the shit we’ve been through together,” Varric said carefully. “I’m sure you can give me more than that.”

Anders shrugs slightly. “It’s my business Varric. Once I have it sorted, then…then it can all go back to normal.”

Varric’s frown deepens. “Before or after you hurt Hawke.”

He flinches and shakes his head quickly, trying to push the doubts rising in the back of his mind aside. “Hawke and I have had this discussion multiple times. You’re not asking me anything that I haven’t already long asked myself.”

“So Hawke’s pain is worth whatever it is you’re doing?”

“I thought you were here to visit, not to interrogate me.” Anders said a little angrily. “Whatever is going on is none of your business and definitely not any sort of content for your books.”

Varric holds up his hands and shakes his head. “No books, and that’s a promise, this is way too personal for that. I’m simply worried about Hawke, that’s all. She’s hurting, surely you see that?”

Anders chest hurt. He did see it and it hurt him more and more every time he did, but if he backed down now, if he turned away from what needed to be done, then it was only going to be a matter of time before he and Hawke ended up somewhere worse, before every mage in Kirkwall ended up somewhere worse, and both he and Justice couldn’t allow that to happen. No matter the cost.

Even if it meant his life.

Varric’s gaze is worried but kind, and Anders had a feeling that he saw more going on with him than he would ever say. “Look, I may not be best for relationship advice, but I know enough to say that you aren’t meant to keep such big secrets between each other. It’s going to eat you both up until there’s nothing left.”

Anders didn’t get a chance to answer as the front door was swung wildly open, Bodahn barely having a chance to say anything before Isabela hurries into the room, looking half terrified, half worried.

“What have you two been saying to Hawke?”

Anders and Varric stared at her. “What?”

“One moment she was just sitting there drinking, the next thing I knew she was on her feet, shouting like she was in pain, before running from the Hanged Man!” Isabela looked between them. “Honestly, I’m not sure what the two of you have been up to, but she cursed you both out.”

Varric was on his feet first. “Which way did she go?”

“Towards the docks I think,” Isabela looks distressed, the most that either of them had ever seen her. “I’ve never seen her like this before and I was half terrified of what she’d do, which is why I came here first.”

A heavy feeling sat in Anders stomach, still sitting half frozen, mind racing at what Hawke was going to do to, at what she was going through.

Varric sighs as he steps forward. “We better hurry then, we hardly need Kirkwall seeing the Champion breakdown in the middle of the streets.” He looks back at Anders. “Are you coming?”

This kicked him into gear, silencing any voice of doubt that was echoing in his mind as he jumped to his feet and grabbed his staff, calling for Bear as he hurries out the door after Isabella and Varric.

The streets of Kirkwall were oddly quiet, but there was an unsettled feeling in the air that only seemed to grow heavier the closer they got to the docks.

“Dammit Hawke,” Varric said under his breath. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“She’s been avoiding both of you, you know?” Isabella said. “She comes in to drink a lot more than what she used to. If I knew she would’ve told me, I would’ve asked, but I know how stubborn she is on these things.”

Anders watches Varric frown. “What do you mean she’s been drinking more? When is she getting time to do that?”

“Late at night usually,” Isabela sighs. “When she’s not fighting in the streets.”

“Late at night?” Anders asked over the growing lump in his throat. “She’s been sneaking out?”

“I think she’s mostly there for the noise,” Isabela’s voice was quiet, the air heaviest at the docks. “The drinking’s just a side thing, most nights it’s only one, maybe two.”

“So she hasn’t been sleeping as well,” Varric sighs heavily, giving a side long look at Anders. “Come on, let’s hurry up and find her.”

Anders knew that there was nothing else he could say, his own heart was too loud in his ears, remembering back to Hawke’s worst moment after she lost her mother, how she’d thrown herself almost carelessly into every fight afterwards. Was he causing the same thing now? Had he really done this too her?

He forced it away. Focus on finding her first, then he could deal with the consequences afterwards.

Bear paused by their sides, his ears raising, a small whine sounding from him, making them all pause.

There was no noise, there was an eerie silence throughout the docks, sitting heavily in the dark.

“Hawke?” Varric’s voice carried through the air and they all knew that something was very wrong.

Bear whined again, taking a few steps forward, sniffing the air.

“This is not good.” Varric said. “Hawke?”

“Stop talking,” Isabela hissed. “The docks is never this empty this time of night, something is not right.”

“No shit,” Varric said. “But can you see Hawke anywhere? This is very unlike her.”

Anders could feel magic crackling through the air, licking his lips nervously, this being much more powerful than what he’d felt before, leaving an awful coppery taste on his tongue. Wherever Hawke was in this, she was in trouble.

“There’s magic here,” He said quietly. “We need to-”

Bear started barking aggressively just as a brilliant fireball lit up the other end of the docks. Anders was running before either Isabela or Varric could stop him, blood pounding in his ears as his mind raced, going through too many possibilities of what could be happening.

The pull of Hawke’s magic was familiar as another fireball lit up the night and Anders fought Justice to the back of his mind, he couldn’t afford to lose control, not until he sure what was going on.

Bear’s barks were ringing loudly off the stone walls, adding to the growing tension in the air as Anders skidded to a halt along the path, having enough time to throw up a barrier before magic burned through the air around him.

Hawke was on the path ahead, fire burning around her casting large shadows on the walls. There was fire in her hands, her own staff burning, and she was gathering magic again, building up more fire. Normally, she was more careful, meaning that she didn’t know that Anders was there.

“Hawke!” Anders called, briefly wondering what was causing her to fight like this, catching the briefest glimpse of her eyes filled with red, before his gaze moves to the end of the pier.

There was another mage and Anders realised that the dark shift in magic was coming from them.

“Fuck. Blood magic.” Varric growled from behind him. “Why is it always blood magic?”

There was no chance to answer as Hawke launched another fireball and Anders couldn’t help but stare at her, feeling the strain in her magic. Whatever this blood mage was doing, it was putting a massive strain on her mana, and he just had a feeling that this had been happening for a while.

Hawke’s fireball seemed to do nothing.

She was breathing hard, her expression furious, but she still didn’t notice as the others stepped forward, even Bear cautious, having been in these types of fights many a times. “Just leave me the fuck alone!”

The laugh that came back was cold, cruel and anger began to make Anders hands shake. “What’s the matter Champion? Have you finally met your match?”

The yell of anger from Hawke was both filled with fury and desperation, but she doesn’t get a chance to launch another attack, the other mage launching their own attack, Hawke barely managing to block it and it was then Anders caught side of the blood.

Hawke was bleeding. Badly. There were cuts on her arms and blood trickling between gaps in her armour, a deep gash down one of her cheeks.

With horror, Anders realised why this blood mage was affecting Hawke so much, and before he could even think, the mage launching another attack, he was in front of her deflecting the blow.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Hawke growled from behind him, breathing hard. “I can handle this.”

“Yeah, you look like you have it handled Hawke,” Varric was by her side quickly, Bianca firmly in his hands. “You can tell us how you found this creep later.”

Hawke grits her teeth, her gaze locked on Anders, who was still standing in front of her. “Anders…”

“We’ve got you now, love.” Anders voice was quiet, his hand white knuckled on is staff. “This bastard isn’t going to hurt you anymore.”

No one was going to take Hawke from him, especially not some insane blood mage.

Isabela caught Hawke as she staggers slightly, her eyes worried. “Have you two got this?”

“Get Hawke away from here Rivaini.” Varric said, watching out of the corner of his eye as Anders begins to glow, his control finally snapping. “And don’t take no for an answer.”

“Varric-”

The blood mage recovered from the interruption, a cry of rage leaving them as they launch on the attack, Anders deflecting the initial blows as Bear charges forward. Hawke tries to shake of Isabela, but her grip was firm as she pulls her away from the fight, Varric firing quickly, lightning and fire igniting the air as Anders took charge of the fight.

Hawke clutched her stomach, her body aching, her mana all but depleted. She knew that this was the worst she’d been in a while, she knew that she would’ve probably died if they hadn’t found her, but it wasn’t making it any easier to swallow.

She come out here for air, the sea air had always helped her focus, she’d been unable to handle the voice of doubt in the back of her mind anymore. The drink hadn’t helped, having more than what she would drink normally, and she knew that she’d had some sort of outburst, but it all became irrelevant once she felt the magic at work at the docks.

Isabela rested her against a wall. “Will you be alright here for a moment?”

Hawke grimaces. “As long as another blood mage doesn’t turn up.”

“I’d laugh, but given current circumstances, it’s not funny.” Isabela looks at her concerned. “Will you be alright?”

“I’m not about to let blood loss kill me Isabela,” Hawke said and nodded back the way they came, where magic was still crackling through the air. “Go help.”

Isabela disappeared before her eyes and Hawke sunk against the wall. The mage had taken her off guard, opening up the wound on her arm, giving them extra power. The ensuing fight had only made Hawke angry, that she couldn’t even get a break when she felt so low, and because of that, she hadn’t been as careful as she should have been.

Resulting in the other injuries.

Hawke drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying not to let herself worry about the fight, knowing that they could handle it, but it wasn’t easy, her doubts coming back loudly in her mind.

Groaning, Hawke gave in the emotion and started to weep, burying her head against her knees, her body hurting, everything hurting, and for the first time in a long time, she wanted to be anywhere but here.

She didn’t know how long she sat there, somehow it all no longer seemed to matter, even though she was worried for her friends, it all seemed so distant and she felt so alone.

Gentle, cool hands rested on her for a moment before she was being pulled into his arms, her head tucking under his chin as he gently hushed her.

“It’s over now love, it’s all okay.”

She let herself believe that, she had to, scared that the tears and the pain wouldn’t stop if she didn’t. The familiar touch of Anders magic washed over her, her wounds healing, the physical pain starting to ease, and for the moment, this was enough.

There was a small whine and she opened her eyes enough to see Bear step forward, licking her hand gently. She reached up and scratched his head, glad to see that he was okay.

“One of these days Hawke,” Varric said, strapping Bianca back to his back. “You’re going to have a nice normal day.”

Hawke chuckled weakly, closing her eyes again, letting herself bury against Anders. “Then we wouldn’t get to have any fun, sounds like a boring life to me.”

Varric watches grimly as Anders eases his magic off her, the worst of the wounds healed over, but it was very clear she was still hurting, the two of them sharing a look.

“Well, I think after this eventful night, I need another drink.” Isabela sighs, but smiles between them. “Are you alright Hawke?”

“You know me, I bounce back easy enough.” Hawke said through a faint smile, but she makes no effort to move. “I’m sure I’ll be as good as new in the morning.”

“Let’s get you home Hawke,” Varric said, nodding at Anders, who sighs and kisses the top of her head. “You can get some proper rest there and Blondie can finish patching you up there.”

Hawke groaned but made no real complaint about being dragged back to her feet, Anders not leaving her side and supporting her weight, Isabela taking the other side and they made a slow journey back to Hightown.

“I’m sorry,” She mumbles quietly at one point, all three of them sharing a look as Bear happily pants away at the front. “I didn’t want to cause any trouble for everyone.”

“Don’t be like that Hawke,” Varric said. “You’ve saved our asses enough times, it’s about time we paid you back one.”

Hawke mumbled something in reply, but none of them could make out what it was and decided it was best left unheard.

Isabela left them at the door, Anders managing to get Hawke through, Bodahn looking more than worried, Varric quickly brushing him off as they got Hawke upstairs, Bear whining from his spot by the fire as Hawke told him to stay.

Seemingly glad to be back in her own home and room, Hawke managed to take the few shaky steps to the bed and collapse down onto it, burying her head into her pillows.

“Will you be alright with her Blondie?” Varric asked quietly as he and Anders watched her, Anders looking very concerned.

He nods, slowly. “Yeah, I’ll give you a shout if we need anything.”

Varric waits another moment before looking at Anders. “Are you going to be alright?”

Anders glances at him, goes to say something, thinks better of it and sighs. “Not by a long shot.”

Varric can’t help but let out a small chuckle, clasping Anders briefly on the arm before leaving the two of them be, the door closing softly behind him.

There was a moment of silence before Hawke shifted in the bed slightly, enough to be able to look back at Anders. “I'm sorry.”

Anders gives a small smile and makes his way over to the bed, joining her and pulling her close. “You're okay, that's all that matters.”

Hawke sighs and rests against him, listening to his heart beat. “Are we?”

He doesn't answer straight away, letting his magic build again to ease the remaining pain in her body, causing her to shiver slightly, even as she relaxed.

“Anders?” Her voice is smaller this time, the same question hanging in the air.

“I love you Hawke, more than anything.” Anders said finally, his voice quiet. “And I will do whatever is in my power to keep you safe, no matter the cost.”

Hawke tenses slightly but she resists the urge to look at him, half terrified, half worried of what she'd see. “I love you too, which is why I don't want to see you get hurt. I want to help Anders. Please. I don't care about the cost.”

His heart ached and for a single moment his resolve crumbled, taking in a deep, shuddering breath, one that caused her to raise her head, to finally look at him. He held her gaze for a heartbeat before relaxing again, his resolve strengthening, and he gives her a soft smile, fingers brushing lightly through her hair.

“Tomorrow love,” He said softly. “Once you've rested. I'll explain everything.”

She took a moment to search his eyes and then relaxed, sharing his smile and pressing her lips to his. It was slow, lingering, a kiss worth a thousand promises and words.

Anders heart ached as Hawke settled back against, his arms tightly around her as she relaxed and quickly drifted into sleep. He allowed his fingers to trail over her, his mind a million miles away as he thought, thought about what was to come, about the love of his life in his arms, and about all the things that could and should have been if the world had just been different.

For now though, this would have to be enough. She was here and that was enough.

For this moment both of them could let themselves believe that there was nothing wrong.

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #hawke x anders #anders #hawke #female hawke #female hawke x anders #fem!hawke #fem!hawke x anders #angst #varric is the best friend we all deserve #varric #isabela

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exobyharu · 5 years ago

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PCY - Ch2

Chapter 2: Sometimes, it works that way

(Part 1)...(Part 3)(Part 4)(Part 5)(Part 6)

Summary: Chanyeol vs the world and Chanyeol vs himself, featuring his well-planned attempts at damage-control. You don’t make it too easy for him.

⏰ 11:12 AM 🌏 Hotel (S), City of (L), but you transferred to the 38th floor now 🌤 Sunny, summer morning, and it’s almost as sunny as Chanyeol’s mood 👥 YN, Park Chanyeol, Kim Jongin (mentioned), Kim Junmyeon (mentioned), Chanyeol’s sister (mentioned)

Notes: This is part 2 of my PCY series. Hope some of you like it! He’s much nicer (to you) now, at least at the end (sort of). PCY may have dropped a couple of curse words here and there, but that’s all I have to warn you about. PCY says he’s sorry!

Words: ~1,900

💙💙💙

Chanyeol hated it, that his new composition was turned down yet again, by their over-qualified and impossible-to-please producers at SM Entertainment because, for probably the fourth time this month, it’s about time you stopped making your lack of experience show in your love songs, no matter how heartfelt you think your lyrics are.

He also hated it, that his sister borrowed his Mercedes Benz without permission, and only called to inform him that she had unintentionally defaced it once again by crashing it against a tree – and it’s even the same tree as last time.

Jongin also left a voice message earlier that evening to tell Chanyeol that he had misplaced the keys to the private studio. But it’s okay and there’s no need to panic because the interns and some staff members volunteered to help me look for it. Jongin apologised for always losing and breaking his senior’s belongings and promised that he won’t let anything like that happen again. Newsflash: Chanyeol hated his promises too.

When all of that happened in a span of three hours, along with Baekhyun’s persistent calling and mindless whining as the sweet cherry on top, it was only last night that Chanyeol finally discovered how things would blow up.

There’s a distinction between a bad mood and an ill temper, he would constantly remind himself. There is a limit to what behaviour is acceptable. Unfortunately for him, it seemed that he forgot to give himself the pep talk recently. This was why his adviser’s worst nightmare finally came true: Last night, on the balcony of this suite room, Chanyeol abandoned all caution, emptied himself of patience, and mindlessly acted on his frustrations as if the world owed him a proper outburst.

The rapper was weak on his knees when he remembered how he lost his shit and ended up taking it out on whom he thought was one of their group’s obsessive fans. What made it worse was that you apparently turned out to be an unsuspecting stranger who was not even up to anything remotely intrusive. Chanyeol was certain that whatever transpired from last night’s interaction with you was most probably typed out already, in some group chat or online page and it was only a matter of hours before his phone was ringing to a call from his enraged manager or worse, from Junmyeon, who always preferred to express his brotherly concern by packaging it as a mouthful of obscenities instead.

Much like last night, Chanyeol spent the early hours of the day, collapsed on the suite’s ridiculously oversized bed, pondering and unable to think of answers for his life’s profound existential questions.

How many ex-girlfriends did he need on his badge to write a love song that would pass SM’s extensive quality control? What kind of genius did Jongin have to be in his past life to be so remarkably scatter-brained now? Bench presses were bench presses. How was he going to teach Baekhyun how to cheat on his reps when he, himself, never did? Most importantly, why was his sister such a terrible driver?

The whole process was mostly a one-way conversation with the luxurious finish of his suite room’s coffered ceiling because much like the answers he could not produce for himself, he had to accept that some things in general were simply beyond his control.

He could try to cut down that stupid tree, though. The dumb task was two bumper repairs overdue.

With newfound resolve, he also made sure that he spent the next few hours after his morning shower rehearsing the, albeit extra kind, words that he would use when explaining to his manager, to Junmyeon, or even to the company’s CEO, if you had managed to blow the whole thing out of proportion. When he called for room service to have breakfast delivered, he even inquired about how to send a massive bouquet of flowers to the occupant of the suite room beside his, simply because fuck ups like last night were not allowed to be in Park Chanyeol’s record. Ever.

About a few minutes later, a delicious tray of espresso waffles and sides finally arrived at his doorstep, along with a message that the suite room right beside his had been emptied just last night. It was at this moment upon hearing the hotel staff’s message about the female occupant transferring to another room, that the rotting sensation at the center of his chest returned in an instant. He ended up not eating much of his breakfast and crushing his face against the silk on his pillow seemed to be the best course of action instead.

This is all your fault, so you fix, he thought incoherently, hoping that blaming himself again brought more clarity. He thought back to last night, trying to remember how much he had told you and if it were truly enough to rile you up, prompt you to file a report, and transfer to another room.

He could not even recall if he said a couple of bad words or not.

Pursing his lips as he walked the tightrope in between discouragement and desperation, it did not take long for him to decide to give it a go and call the front desk. Even though he was familiar with hotel policies, and even though it was another item on his endless list of things that he hated, not to mention too much against his principles, it looked like he was willing to overlook the misuse of his VIP status to have his way just this once. It was promising that his phone had not buzzed since he had woken up, but the fact remained that it was now, or later, when irreversible damage was done and Dispatch was already camping out at the hotel lobby downstairs.

So he did as he rehearsed, and it was almost nauseating how it took too little effort to get the details that he wanted. Something in his gut roiled when he had to emphasise his name as if his identity were a badge that can be used to proclaim himself qualified to make such a special request. Your full name, YN YLN, along with other personal details that he did not ask for, were disclosed to him without the need to impose or even lie.

Nevertheless, he got what he needed and Chanyeol hoped that it was worth the brief moment of shamelessness. Again, he comforted himself that damage-control in itself was a pain in the ass. And even though hating himself for resorting to this method was even more exhausting, it had to be done in order to move forward with his plans of setting things straight.

Press 0, and then after the beep, 3815.

He did not expect it, but it plunged his nerves into a state of panic when he started dialling your room number. Maybe he was afraid of you and what you had to say - more specifically, about how many of your friends already knew about last night’s exchange. Were you even going to speak to him? Did he even want to speak to you? The compromise was to put the phone down after five rings and send the damn flowers instead.

You answered exactly after four long rings. “Hello?”

“Yah!” he yelled, the couple of rehearsed lines he had prepared, instantly forgotten. “Why’d you move?!” His nerves pretty much took over and Chanyeol knew that he was not angry. It was beyond him if this distinction was not clear to you.

Still, your voice on the other end of the line remained impeccably calm. “Um, may I know who this is?”

“It’s Chanyeol.” In his years of performing in front of cameras and audiences, the rapper had never thought that introducing himself could elicit so much frustration.

You paused. “…I’m sorry?”

“You don’t remember last night?!” he yelled again. Immediately, the distant sound of his own voice made him cringe. It was an effort to ignore how it reverberated inside the room. He tried to clarify much more kindly now, but his attempt gloriously failed the moment he started. “It’s Chanyeol! Sexual Fantasies, Park Chanyeol!”

Your sigh that followed was a bit over-dramatic and it looked like he had done it again. “I know, okay?! I mean I know it’s you! You made last night pretty hard to forget, and I don’t mean it the way other girls in your head do. I was just unsure about apologising because you’re the one who explicitly told me to stay out of your way.” You were clearly getting worked up and it was too bad, because so was he.

“And you really thought I meant that?!”

“I still think that, seeing that you wouldn’t stop yelling at me! I only transferred to make the both of us happy, okay?”

“Do I sound happy to you?!” It was not a pleasant feeling to hear you sigh after every sentence because he realised that it was no longer just his reputation on the line. Chanyeol was not called the Happy Virus for nothing and he genuinely felt that he was putting down a lot of people by causing someone else’s distress. Ironically, this infuriated him even more. “You didn’t have to change your room and I’m not happy that you did!”

“Then that makes only me.” Your voice from the other end was dismissive and dripping with contempt. “Looks like your day will suck, Mr. Park, but please, let me enjoy mine.”

“Yah! Don’t put the phone down!”

“Seriously, Chanyeol, what do you want from me?!”

“Just stop hating!”

“I will if you leave me alone!”

“It doesn’t work that way!”

At this point, the conversation became all about talking over the other. It took a few more out of the both of you before Chanyeol realised what an idiot he had been for the past two minutes. Stress had really done a number on him lately.

Relax.

Catching his breath in the brief silence that ensued, he allowed his pride to crumble in the name of ending all this bullshit between the two of you. He was just tired, more than anything else. Releasing the tightness on his throat, he modulated his voice to suit the tone that he would effortlessly use when speaking to a fan – or his mother.

“Just… meet up with me, will you? There’s this café at the top floor.”

“No thanks. I’ve got stuff to do.”

“What stuff?”

“Stuff that’s none of your business, obviously.”

Your answer made him press a hand to his forehead. You mean stuff that’s non-existent, obviously, he thought with a roll of his eyes. What kind of idiot did you think he was? Though it did not look like much on paper, he decided that all the painful overthinking and planning had already gotten him this far and it was impossible for him to take no for an answer.

“Tonight then? I’ll be there by 7.”

“No, Chanyeol. I won’t be there.”

“That’s great! I’ll wait for you.”

And then he hung up the phone too soon, which was his underhanded way of making sure that you did not have the change to decline any further. What he did was almost rude, but Chanyeol promised to make up for his bad manners tonight instead. Even though he would not consider the conversation a step towards the redemption of his ruined first impression, if he got you to show up, he was sure to not waste his chance. Now, all he had to do was figure out what stunt he was going to pull off in order to make up for being a stupid shit last night.

💙💙💙 - to be continued -

#chanyeol #chanyeol scenarios #park chanyeol #exo scenarios #exo #park chanyeol scenarios #exo fanfiction #kpop fanfiction #kpop scenarios

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calliecat93 · 5 years ago

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Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 3

Those of you who have been following this little series of posts are probably going ‘wait a sec Callie, don’t you do the dislikes post first?” Which, yes I do, but there’s a reason why I’m doing Likes. It’s because, well... there’s not going to be a Dislikes post. I tried to think of things that I genuinely disliked about V3. I tried to think of nitpicks that I had about V3. I tried to see if there were things that I disliked back when it aired.

And I got nothing.

Yeah, I disliked nothing about V3. I had to stretch on Dislikes in V2, but here? I got nothing. I mean sure certain character deaths sucked because... well, death. But these scenes were actually done well, so I don’t dislike them. There’s a couple of little animation errors, but I can’t make a list out of that nor do those bother me since the animation is overall very good. This was my favorite volume up until V6 (and even with that I was able to come up with dislikes for it) and needless to say, this volume out of all fo them is not one that you mess around with. So instead of forcing myself to make a list I’ve got no material for, we’re skipping to Likes. Cause I’ve got plenty of those.

#5. Maiden Twist

I remember when this twist got revealed, and I was in shock... well that and because the same chapter ended in Yang being defamed and they decided to choose then to go on holiday hiatus. That was still mean RT! Okay, yeah the twist. I... really liked it! It made sense, added to the lore of the series, and really ramped upt he tension. Sure we weren’t 100% sure how the Maidens would tie into the overall plot, but V5 fixed that so any issues that I had with it are long since resolved.

I think what really makes me appreciate it is for those unaware, this twist? This was the final thing conceived by Monty before his passing in February 2015 when V3 would have been in pre-production. This was not a part of the original plan for RWBY, but Miles and Kerry decided to keep it and work with it anyone since it was Monty’s final idea. IDK what the original plan was, and we’ll probably never know, but I think that they fit it in very well. It explains why CInder has so much power. Part of why the Ozluminati is so secretive. It makes the world more interesting and as I said, adds to the lore. And the tale itself was very well done and felt like a genuine fairy tale, especially the version in World of Remnant.

The execution wasn’t 100% perfect. Like I said, the importance of the Maidens int he story wasn't made clear until V5. But considering that they had to figure out how to fit it in with the overall planned story, I say that they did very well. The rule also makes plenty of sense, and that I appreciate. I really like to applaud writers who make changes like this work, and nowadays I can't imagine RWBY without the Maidens. Would the original plan have been better? I don’t know. But I’m happy with where they took things, and I’d say that Monty’s final contribution is one that’s impact isn't fading out anytime soon.

#4. Yang Development

Okay IDK if development is the right word, but this was a good volume for Yang! Well okay for her it probably sucked. A lot. But for us watching, it... was painful. But it was good for her character arc!

Up to this point, Yang was probably the least developed of the four girls. She was a pretty girl who was really good at hitting things and was a fun, but caring friend and sister. But otherwise, she’d had little development and imo her motivation to become a Huntress was by far the weakest. But anything that she lacked she made up for in personality and even then, she was by far the fan-favorite. SHe’s... my least favorite of Team RWVY, mainly for other reasons I’ll get to when I do a later list, but I still enjoy her and she’s always been really fun.

And it made what happened in this volume all the more painful.

First, she gets framed and can’t prove her innocence. Her team gets disqualified from the Vytal Festival as a result. Then the Battle of Beacon happens! She can't do anything for her sister and therefore tries to find Blake. She finds her getting attacked by Adam, she tries to interfere, and... she loses an arm. Worst, Blake, the person she just lost a limb for runs away without so much as a goodbye. Weiss is taken away by force, and all of this along with the loss of Beacon and the multiple deaths have left Yang broken and bitter. She can’t even comfort Ruby or accept any comfort that her sister offers, and in the end just tells Ruby to go do what she wants and leave her alone. Ruby leaves sometime later, all while Yang is still sitting in bed with an empty look.

This volume was brutal for everyone, but Yang by far is one of the ones who had it the roughest. It hurts since, in the first half of the volume, she’s her usual happy, bright self and is easily winning all of her fights. She did nothing wrong but had to go through Hell all because of the villains who she did nothing to. It provides a lot of good later, which again I’ll touch on in a later list. But God it hurt to watch this when it aired. Nevertheless, it was very well executed and you just feel so bad for this girl and utterly mortified when she loses her arm just because she tried to save her teammate. A teammate who abandons her, re-awakening her abandonment issues in the process. It was hard to watch, but it was very well done and Yang’s character only goes up from this point.

#3. Weiss Development

While Weiss’ part in the volume isn't too major, her development in the first half of the volume is freakin’ great. While we had heard enough to know that Weiss's father probably sucked, this one made that much more clear and V4 hammered that in even more. We see pretty classic abuse tactics here. Jaques tries to call Weiss, and it seems like this has been going on for a while. My HC is that he receptionist lady that Weiss talked to in V2 likely told him that Weiss called but didn’t want to talk, and that caused Jaques to increase how frequently he called her. Weiss continues to ignore it, so Jaques strips her of her income so that she can't so much as buy lunch for herself. A clear warning to Weiss that even when in another continent, she’s still under her father’s lock and key.

But then Winter arrives. While she’s stern and kinda cold, Winter is clearly a good influence in Weiss’ life and a caring older sister. She not only tries to help Weiss learn her Summoning glyph, but she reveals that Jaques used the exact same method of cutting her off that he did on Weiss. Why? Because Winter joined the military and refused to remain under her father’s grip any longer. She managed to break away, and she encourages Weiss to do so as well. She’s on the right path via attending Beacon and fighting for her right to go there, and now she has the freedom to keep exploring the world and learning about herself. This gets Weiss to once more hang up on her father, determined to cut away from him for good and continue on her own path.

It’s a powerful moment and really the sign that Weiss has truly broken free of her previous hateful midset. She’s a much kinder person than she was in V3, shown when she rejects the idea that Yang attacked Mercury unprovoked. In the Battle for Beacon, she defends Velvet, a Faunus and that allowed her to awaken her Summoning glyph. Sadly, as we all know, the Fall fo Beacon happened and Jaques took advantage of it to force Weiss to come back home. It is utterly tragic because Weiss finally got her freedom, and in an instant, it was yanked away from her. But because of these events, Weiss wasn’t going to remain a prisoner for long, and Jaques could control her no longer.

#2. Everything From PvP to The End of the Beginning

Yeah, I couldn't narrow it down to just one aspect. These final four episodes of V3 (PvP, Battle of Beacon, Heroes and Monsters, and The End of the Beginning) were just... freakin’ fantastic. It might be the four best consecutive episodes in the series as a whole. These mark the end of the Beacon Era. From this point on, the series changes big time. Things get darker. Characters are forced to mature. The stakes go up and have yet to go back down. The days of wacky school antics end here, and our heroes’ lives change to the point of no return.

IDK what to truly say tbh. All of the fights were freakin’ fantastic. Penny’s death, while heartbreaking, was appropriately dreadful as well as Cinder’s speech. The Grimm attack felt horrifying, but all the students rising up to fight back and act as true Huntsmen and Huntresses were freakin’ amazing. This was Roman’s last hurrah, and he was as fun as ever. Him dying sucked, but he brought it onto himself and Ruby interfering with him one last time, taking out Neo, and destroying the ship and taking out the Queen’s Virus was epic. But of course, Cinder gets the Maiden powers, the Wyvern attacks, and in the end, Beacon falls. But Cinder doesn't get to enjoy it, as it ends with Ruby awakening her Silver Eyes, and Cinder’s victory ends in her being brought down. Brutally. She got her power, but she was still defeated by and made to feel powerless. Which she hates more than anything else. All because of one little girl.

The end of the volume is super depressing. Beacon is overrun by Grimm. Vale has been damaged. Weiss is forced back home. Blake runs away. Yang is depressed and demoralized. JNR lost a teammate. The villains all escaped. Ozpin is missing. Everything looks bleak. But there is still hope. Despite how she herself feels, Ruby decides that she still needs to fight on and go after the villains' trail to prevent this from happening again. She leaves home with JNR, determined to get to Mistral and make sure that no one else suffers like she and everyone at Beacon did. Dark times are ahead, but our heroes will recover, and they will forge on. But, of course, it ends with us finally meeting Salem for the first time, and we know that things are about to get much, much crazier from that point on.

This was a great series of episodes. It was dark and depressing but also shows how much the human spirit will persist and that there will always be heroes who rise up. It appropriately brought the show into its next stage, and it’s just as great of a watch as it was in 2016. But, of course, there is one thing that I glossed over while going over this. So... let's go ahead and talk about that.

#1. Pyrrha Nikos

This was, sadly, the final volume for Pyrrha. And they made sure to make this her story as much as possible. Pyrrha is recruited to be the Fall Maiden due to her world-class fighting abilities. She is understandably uncomfortable but willing to do it in order to protect people. But then she finds out that it may cost her who she is, and she is understandably terrified. We see how uncertain she is after, and who can blame her? Once again, her famous status has overcome anything else about her. But this time, she not only learned of some kind of mass world conspiracy but if she agreed to go through with the Aura Transfer, she may not be the same person ever again. She felt that being a Huntress and fighting to protect people was her destiny, but now with it standing before her, can she take it when she’s being asked to give up so much? When everything that she thought that she new has been turned onto its head within mere hours?

Not even Jaune could have help her overcome this. In any other scenario, his words of accepting destiny would be the right thing. But for Pyrrha, it just made her an emotional wreck. The poor boy did everything right, but now he thinks that he did everything wrong. Then to make things worst. Pyrrha ended up killing Penny and it broke her. Fortunately Ruby and Jaune broke her out of it, but she ultimately accepted the Maiden deal. After all, with everything in chaos and lives on the line, what else can she do? But of course, it failed cause of Cinder, and despite Oz telling her and Jaune to leave and get help... Pyrrha made her choice then and there. She kissed Jaune, knowing that it’ll be the only chance that she got to revealing her feelings, before pushing him the locker. he looked at the boy that she loves one more time as he begs her to not go back. She launched him to safety, knowing that she will never see him again.

Pyrrha knew that if she went back into the tower, she wasn’t going to come back out alive. She knew that she was going to die. But she was a Huntress. She signed up for that life because she wanted to do good. She wanted to help people. he felt as if that was her destiny. Even though she knew that she couldn’t beat Cinder, it was her duty to fight. Whatever good that she could do, she decided to do. She went back in, and she gave it her all. And she gave Cinder one Hell of a fight. But of course, Cinder ultimately won. Pyrrha remained defiant to the end, accepting her fate. Cinder shoots Pyrrha with an arrow, and the girl that everyone thought was unbeatable, was reduced to ashes.

Pyrrha was a fantastic character. She was kind, caring, strong, and above all selfless. She aided and trained Jaune despite everyone else dismissing him as a buffoon. She encouraged Jaune in his pursuit fo Weiss, despite her own feelings towards him. Despite all the fear and doubt that she felt and Ozpin offering her an out at the very end, Pyrrha accepted the Maiden powers and whatever the end result would have been because it was the right thing to do. And despite knowing that doing so would end in her own death, Pyrrha still faced Cinder, willing to do whatever she could do to stop Cinder. While she died, it wasn't in vain as Ruby’s arrival ensured that Cinder’s victory would cost her. A true pyrrhic victory.

In the end, Pyrrha embodied what a true Huntress should be. Selfless, dedicated, and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to protect the people. Even now, the impact of her death can be felt. Jaune, of course, was broken by it and it wasn't until V6 that he began to find closure and move on. Ruby still feels guilty over how she failed to save her and has PTSD from it and V5 and demonstrated. Team JNPR will never truly feel whole again after the loss. But even so, they all have pushed forward and have decided to keep living. For Pyrrha. Even in death, she’ll still always be there with them, and they can continue to honor her memory. Pyrrha may be gone, but her spirit will always live on.

Okay! That’s that! So... on to Volume 4! Which there will be a Dislikes post for that one, but also a Likes post! So be on the lookout for those~!

#rwby #rwby reviews #top likes/dislikes

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coolgreatwebsite · 6 years ago

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Cool Games I Finished In 2018 (In No Real Order)

Man! Wow! 2018! 2018 was a wild year for me. I managed to deliver those elbow drops I talked about last year and ended up doing a lot of of things. I left my job and moved cross-country in the span of like 2 and a half weeks! I took a new job in the video game industry (play Ninjin and Override)! I took a trip to Vegas a week after that! I got in a relationship! I got out of a relationship! It’s been a ride. A ride that hasn’t left me a ton of time to play video games or write about video games, but I’m like 1000 times happier now so it’s probably a fair trade. No matter what though, I will always be here at the end of the year to make a bunch of terrible MSPaint banners and provide you with another one of these. Here’s a bunch of cool games I experienced for the first time in 2018.

Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (PlayStation 2, 2004)

Nocturne is a game that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since I beat it. It’s so damn cool. It starts with you witnessing a demonic apocalypse where only you, your two friends, your teacher, a reporter, and the man with the world’s wildest widow’s peak survive. These people are, with a couple of notable exceptions, the only real characters in the entire game. You barely see them, and when you do your meetings are usually pretty brief. Sure, you talk to and recruit a horde of demons to your side as party members, and you interact with a handful of demonic antagonists and various demonic NPCs, but for the most part the game is just you. You, alone, wandering the weird hellscape remnants of Tokyo. It’s one of the most solitary-feeling video games I’ve ever played, and it nails this atmosphere flawlessly. The music, the visuals, the writing, every element gels with every other element so smoothly to create a prevailing, almost overbearing feeling of loneliness. The combat and gameplay mechanics are what I understand this series to mostly be like (this being the only mainline SMT I’ve played), and are fun and engaging in a way that’s not too dissimilar from the Persona series. The only knock I have against Nocturne is that the dungeon design super sucks. I’m fine with endless corridors, my love of the PS2 Persona games can attest to that, but almost every dungeon in Nocturne has an annoying gimmick to it, and they all essentially boil down to different takes on a teleporter maze. I was kind of almost dreading navigating dungeons by the time I got to the last fourth of the game, but my intense love for literally everything else saw me through. For those of you who like JRPGs and haven’t played Nocturne, I’m sure you’ve heard this plenty of times, and I was like you once. I didn’t listen. But now I’m on the other side of the tunnel, so I get to say it. You should really, really play Nocturne. It’s good.

Splatoon 2 Octo Expansion (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

Octo Expansion is what Splatoon 2′s single player mode should have been from the start. Don’t get me wrong, the packed in single player campaign is fine, but it’s basically a level pack for Splatoon 1′s. Octo Expansion, on the other hand, is 100% fresh. Structurally it’s much more diverse, with the campaign taking place over 80 mostly-bite-sized missions with varying objectives. There’s a couple of stinkers in there, but overall the quality of the missions is much higher than what was in the original single player campaign. They can actually be pretty tough sometimes too! It was fun to see some actual challenge in a Splatoon campaign. Everything wrapped around the core gameplay of Octo Expansion is kind of phenomenal. The setting and visual design is super weird, the music is way more mellow than anything else that’s come out of the series and creates a great sense of atmosphere, and the writing is actually genuinely pretty great. There’s a lot of funny dialogue and good character moments. They made me like Pearl! The weird gremlin that eats mayo! She’s my friend now! The last half an hour or so of Octo Expansion is also straight up my favorite sequence from a game I played this year too. Don’t sleep on this thing just because it’s DLC. It’s legitimately great.

Monster Hunter: World (PlayStation 4, 2018)

At the outset I was incredibly skeptical of Monster Hunter: World. This wasn’t entirely fair to the game, as a lot of this feeling was based on its initial E3 reveal trailer kinda sorta matching up to some mostly not true pre-E3 leaks, namely that it would be much more action heavy to cater to Western audiences and tie into the then unannounced Monster Hunter movie (which, as an aside, looks like a trainwreck that I desperately want to see). You can probably pretty easily find some tweets and posts from me around that time saying that the game looks like trash because of some misinterpreted new game mechanic. I am here to say that I am a big wrong dumbass and Monster Hunter: World is very good. You might be surprised to hear this, but it’s Monster Hunter! With a bunch of good and well-executed gameplay refinements! And graphics that aren’t repurposed from a PS2 game! It’s a ton of fun and I put a lot of time into it, but it’s not without its flaws. The number of monsters and weapons is comparatively way lower than in previous games, mostly due to that whole not repurposing PS2 models thing. It’s still kind of clunky in a lot of the places Monster Hunter has been historically clunky in, but also in some pretty big new ways, mainly around playing multiplayer. Also the story, while it’s as bland as it’s ever been, is exponentially more intrusive thanks to the addition of voiced cutscenes (which need to be triggered before the game lets you bring other players into story missions, causing a lot of that clunk I mentioned earlier). It’s all nothing game-ruining, of course. The game wouldn’t be on the list if it was! Monster Hunter: World exceeded my expectations, and I’m super looking forward to playing the recently announced G Rank expansion when it comes out next year.

Contra: Hard Corps (Sega Genesis, 1994)

I wish I could go back in time and kick my own stupid ass for not playing this sooner. I’d written off Contra: Hard Corps for the longest time based solely on some bullshit I read on the internet at an age where I just took other peoples’ opinions and made them my own. This and Castlevania Bloodlines were the bad ones, the ones some weird b-team crapped out for the Genesis while the SNES got the good stuff like Contra 3: Alien Wars. Well, it turns out... they were right about Bloodlines. But MAN were they wrong about Hard Corps. Hard Corps is the best Contra game. It fucking rules. I would have gone on with my life never giving the game a glance if not for this excellent Giant Bomb feature happening, and a couple of episodes in I knew I had to play it for myself. Contra: Hard Corps is fucking nuts. It’s balls to the wall 100% of the time. There’s so many unique enemies and wild bosses and they’re all never not exploding. The game has four characters with unique weapons and multiple different level paths that have totally different levels, bosses, and story beats. Oh, and the soundtrack fucking rips. Sometimes it’s a little too much, and there are definitely some sequences and boss attacks that are total gotchas that you can’t survive without prior knowledge of how they work. I’d also be remiss not to give a special shoutout to level 4′s awful, tedious, unskippable-on-any-route boss. But god damn if the rest of Hard Corps doesn’t outshine these flaws. It’s the high water mark for insane non-stop 16-bit action.

Deltarune (PC, 2018)

Does this count? It’s a demo for a full game that won’t be out for a real long time... I suppose it does, it’s self-contained enough. Deltarune, the free demo for the sort of but also sort of not sequel to Undertale, is unsurprisingly good as hell. Less surprising for sure, as Undertale is a known quantity these days, but I’m still way into it. The story is interesting and full of charming characters, and the battle system has been overhauled to include things like multiple party members with different abilities while still keeping all the things that made Undertale’s battles novel. The music is, of course, fantastic, and the visuals look much nicer while adhering to the same general style as the previous game. It’s fairly short, and some character development feels a little rushed because of it, but again, it’s a small chunk of the beginning of a much larger game. I can’t imagine any of this stuff wouldn’t be expanded upon. It’s hard to judge this thing story-wise due to the nature of it being a demo. I thoroughly enjoyed what is there, though, and look forward to playing the rest of the game in 50 years or whatever.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

This game is so much. Even though the first thing I learned about this game was “everyone is here”, I still wasn’t ready for how much it is. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is maybe too much. Of course, as previously stated, everyone (meaning every single previous playable Smash Bros. character) is here. Most of the previous stages are also present. This was all known. Where the game really, truly goes overboard though is in the single-player content. There’s the usual classic mode for every character, this time specifically structured around a theme for each character, but the vast majority of it is actually comprised of the all-new spirits system. Spirits are non-playable video game characters that you can collect and equip to your fighters for special abilities, sort of like a less terrible version of Smash Bros. Brawl’s stickers. You collect these spirits through spirit battles, which are fights themed around the character the spirit represents via extremely clever usage of already existing fighters and mechanics. These battles range from the obvious (Big the Cat’s battle tasks you with fighting a giant purple Incineroar), to the obscure (fight the main characters from Zangeki no Reginleiv as represented by Link and female Robin while you’re giant-sized), to the creative (Porygon’s spirit puts you in a fight against wireframe Little Mac and Akira from Virtua Fighter, normally an assist trophy), to the downright in-jokey (the spirit of Ness’s Father, displayed as the telephone spirte from Earthbound, makes you fight an invisible Solid Snake). There are like 1200 spirits. The vast majority of them have an associated battle. And you don’t just experience these battles through a menu, at least half of them are implemented into the 30 hour long adventure mode, World of Light, which has you fighting spirits, navigating dungeons, and facing bosses. It’s insane. They focused on spirits in lieu of collectible trophies this time around and they absolutely made the correct choice. The trophies in the last two Super Smash Bros. games were fine, but easier access to existing 3D models of most represented characters made them inherently less exciting than Melee’s tailor-made collection of high quality (considering the time period) renders, many of which would never receive a 3D model again. The spirits system manages to be exciting in the same way Melee's trophies were, fostering a genuine sense of anticipation to see what they cooked up next, but in the context of gameplay. They completely knocked it out of the park. Smash 4 made it on one of these lists long ago, and I essentially just said “it’s more Smash Bros. and that’s good”. Smash Ultimate is also more Smash Bros., but it’s SO much more Smash Bros. It’s so much more extremely good Smash Bros. The only things I can ding it for are some totally subjective stage preferences (where the hell is Poké Floats) and some slightly less than optimal music sorting decisions. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is, ultimately, the ultimate Super Smash Bros.

These games were also cool, I just had less to say about them:

Bloodstained: Curse of the Moon (Nintendo Switch, 2018): Remember Castlevania 3? Inti Creates sure did! This prequel to the still unreleased Koji Igarashi Kickstarter project Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night is an unabashed love letter to Castlevania 3, and it’s pretty good. Mom Hid My Game! (Nintendo Switch, 2017): A charming little game in the style of those old escape the room Flash games. It even looks like one (in the literal sense, not the pejorative). It’s not tough or replayable really, but it is $5 and consistently absurd and surprising. Yakuza 6: The Song of Life (PlayStation 4, 2018): Yakuza 6 is kind of a weird juxtaposition. It’s the final chapter of Kazuma Kiryu’s story, but also the first game to use the Yakuza team’s new Dragon Engine. The story end of things is a good, solid sendoff for a bunch of characters I’m going to miss very dearly, but the gameplay feels very formative and limited in a way that sort of reminds me of Yakuza 1. I had a good time with it overall, but I hope they manage to dial it in like they did with the previous decade of Yakuza games and make something truly excellent again. Looking at you, Judge Eyes. Etrian Odyssey V: Beyond the Myth (Nintendo 3DS, 2017): Etrian Odyssey V is a return to basics for the series, ditching things like overworlds and sub-dungeons and just pitting your party against one big labyrinth. Honestly, gotta say, I miss the stuff they left behind! The core of Etrian Odyssey is still super strong so I had fun regardless, but the overall simplicity of the game and the changes to how classes work had me missing EOIV more often than not. Soundtrack’s great though, as expected. Sonic Mania Plus (Nintendo Switch, 2018): To be completely honest, most of the stuff they added to Sonic Mania in Plus really isn’t that fantastic. Mighty’s spike and projectile immunity is fun, but Ray’s flying is more interesting than effective. Encore mode is largely disappointing, with most of it feeling identical to the base game outside of its all-new (and too hard for their own good) special stages. HOWEVER, Sonic Mania Plus was an exceptional excuse to play through Sonic Mania another six or so times. Congratulations to Sonic Mania for being game of the year for two years in a row. WarioWare Gold (Nintendo 3DS, 2018): A good compilation game, executed much better than in the team’s previous Rhythm Heaven Megamix, but lacking in reasons to come back after you’ve played all the games. There’s the usual toy room stuff WarioWare has had since Touched!, but it’s bogged down by reliance on a currency system and the fact that sooooo many things you unlock are just parts that feed into a larger, not that interesting thing. The part where you play WarioWare is great though, and the new visuals make it all feel fresh even though it’s mostly older games. Mario Tennis Aces (Nintendo Switch, 2018): I had a brief, passionate love affair with Mario Tennis Aces. The core gameplay is rad as hell and more like a fighting game than a tennis game, with multiple different special shots and a focus on meter management. I played like 40+ hours of it between the full game and the demo and never even touched the single player (which makes it technically not count for this list, but, shut up). I got 2nd place at its very first tournament at CEO 2018. Then I... stopped playing. It had some weird balance issues, sure, but I think it was more a victim of circumstance rather than anything else. I moved basically right after CEO and just never went back to it. It’s still incredible though. I hope this game’s systems are the standard for Mario Tennis games going forward.

We made it! Bottom of the list! It was a shorter trip this time, but I’m still proud of you for making it here all the same. Thank you for reading the words I typed about video games. I’m looking to get this web page back into gear in 2019, so you can probably expect part 2 of The Best Babies sometime in January. Hopefully I’ll actually play some video games too so I can bring back Breviews on the first of February. Until then!

#article #year wrapup

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multifandomaddictedfangirl · 6 years ago

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Misconceptions about Breaking bad ~ my theory (Spoilers!)

So I’ve just finished watching Breaking Bad. All seasons. I really loved the show. It was well written, well directed, well thought in every details, very well played with such talented actors. It is a masterpiece. Clearly, it was a show that had been thought of and worked on for a while to be perfect (like no plot holes, no OOC actions, no wasted moments, no pointless moves, no useless lines, etc.). Besides, this show had everything: badass action, fighting scenes, tension, drama (big time), humor sometimes (not often) and emotions (a lot).

However, I think there is a HUGE misunderstanding to what this show is about and an ENORMOUS misconception of why it’s so good and really likeable.

A lot of people I have met IRL, or read online, really loved this show as well. That’s not a surprise. As I’ve said, this show was really good for a lot of reasons and I will never deny that.

But as I was reading them/talking to them IRL, I’ve realised something. They loved Breaking Bad because they loved the story and the character of Walter White. They loved the story of an american middle aged white man, with a normal life, a traditional family and a boring job, becoming this super extra badass who ends up building and controlling a meth empire. Usually, they particularly loved season 3-4 when Walt is supposedly at its greatest moments. They loved Walter White and what he has become: a badass, a smart ass meth dealer, a dominating boss, a good provider for his family... a real man. They loved him as a hero. They loved him as a protagonist who should succeed and get what he wants in the end. They loved him as a character that they were rooting for. They also loved the dream of a normal guy starting off nothing and ending up being the big boss in the game. They loved the idea of having this exciting/dangerous/ illegal/ outlawed/badass “dream life”. Like in an action movie. They loved the fantasy that Breaking Bad exposes.

So here’s the thing... Those people don’t like Breaking Bad. Because that’s not the show. That’s not its point. That’s not its essence. That’s not what it’s trying to show us. That’s not what it’s about. At all.

Obviously, there are multiple interpretations and levels of lecture in a piece of art. And I don’t think some are overall better than others. I think it’s pretty condescending and arrogant to believe there is a “good way” of consuming medias/arts, and a “bad way”. There are just different ways. And that’s great.

However, if you pay attention to the show, for like 10 minutes, it’s pretty clear what it is about.

Breaking Bad is a criticism of Walter White and of this fantasy of a badass action-movie lifestyle. The whole point of the show is basically to say: “Look at that kind of lifestyle society makes you fantasise about, and look how you really don’t want to have it cause it actually sucks. Look at how you DON’T and SHOULDN’T want to become Walter White.”

Walter White isn’t portrayed as a glorious badass mastermind hero by the show. He shouldn’t be read like that. Of course, he is the main protagonist and so, the audience is meant to follow his story. But Walt is first portrayed as a bad guy. Not only like a villain. But as a bad person. Someone you should despise for his personality. Someone who should disgust you. Someone you should hate for who he truly is. Someone you shouldn’t be rooting for. Someone you should quite quickly want dead.

When the show begins, yes, he is portrayed as a normal family man, working a basic job, providing for his family which he seems to care about. But the show already makes it clear that he is a very proud man, who thinks he deserves better than his current life, who thinks he can do better and have better just because. Just cause he is Walter White, a chemistry genius. His world, what he has, doesn’t seem to be enough for him.

(Btw some of my friends argued that Walter White wasn’t such a bad person in the beginning of the show, and that “the meth dealing turned him into an asshole”. While I would agree with that, I also wanna point out that in the beginning of the show, Walt isn’t the greatest person neither... His life is built around a very sexist scheme. He always expects Skyler to do breakfast for him and basically all the housework, because she is his housewife and that’s the way things are supposed to be. We never see him being grateful for what she does. If he’s the only one working, “providing for his family”, it’s more likely because he didn’t want Skyler to. Skyler is a competent woman, she could have found a job with a better income than high school teacher. But I don’t think Walt, fulled with pride, would have accepted to be taken care of by his wife. He wanted to be the alfa male since day one. Because he more likely already had internalised pride, sexism and toxic masculinity and fake virility. We never see him share his true feelings with Skyler. He doesn’t want to look vulnerable. Never. He’s never real with anybody. He refuses to admit that he feels bad about his life and prefers to hide behind a mask, which he will continue to do throughout the show. Because expressing your true feelings to someone who cares about you is not an alfa male move, so Walt rejects this idea. So no, I don’t believe Walter White was such a great person in the beginning. He already was an asshole. He just became waaaaaaaay worse.)

Anyway, then he got diagnosed with cancer. And the money issue appears. If the family pays for Walter’s chemotherapy, they will take a huge risk of bankrupt. They need more money. The family needs more money. But let’s note that Walt’s friends, Eliot and Gretchen, DO propose to pay for his therapy. But Walter refuses, again because of his pride. All the events that follow, all the murders, all the meth dealing, all the horrors, EVERYTHING could have been avoided if Walter White hadn’t decided to be an arrogant jerk and say “suck it” to genuine help.

The money and the (supposedly) rightful idea providing for his family will be Walter’s justifications for ALL his actions during the ENTIRE show (even when his cancer is cured and the family doesn’t necessarily needs this huge amount of money anymore).

The truth is Walt never just wanted the money for chemotherapy or to help his family. He wanted the money because money equals power and influence. And Walt dreamed of power and control over the others. He wanted to be the only one capable of providing, the one everyone else would praise, admire and thank for the rest of his life. He wanted to be a god. Before even cooking his first batch, he already was a narcissist self-centered and arrogant prick, only thinking about his own good.

When he starts to cook meth, it just becomes even worse. The show gets darker, bloodier, more violent. Everything breaks bad, as thev title of the show clearly explicits. Walt finds a new way to express his desire of control, his dream of being finally respected/feared, and the silent violence which he was hidding inside of him.

(I think Walt somehow wants to turn the symbolic violence he was victim of (not being manly enough, especially compared to his brother-in-law, Hank who kinda bullies him in the beginning of the show) into a physical violence he is now in control of).

He then becomes a monster, who is capable of the most cruel, creepy, insane actions to get what he wants. He completely looses sense of reality. If we sum up what he did: he started cooking meth, he missed his daughter’s birth because of the meth dealing, he lied to everybody who cared about him, he tricked his DEA agent brother-in-law Hank, he mentally abused and manipulated Jesse to make him his puppet, he provoked Hank’s accident paralysing him for a while, he turned Junior against Skyler, he abused Skyler and made her part of his business letting her no other choice, he killed Gus’s men, he disolved murdered bodies in acid, he let Jane died while he could have saved her, he made Jesse kill Gale, he blew up a old people’s house killing Gus and hurting multiple innocents, he told nazis where Andrea lived and therefore caused her death, he ordered killings in prison, he blackmailed Hank with a fake confession video, he kidnapped Holly, he caused Hank and Gomez’s deaths, he killed Krazy8, he killed Mike, and he poisoned a child.

And the show makes it pretty clear that it’s not sane, that NONE of this is cool/badass, that it’s just miserable actions provoked by a desperate man, that it will just bring him sadness, loneliness, loss, misery and disfurtune, that Walt slowly but surely goes down this path of destruction and cruelty and that he will never come back. That what he once had (a family who loved and respected him, friends who cared about him, friendly neighbors, a stable job which had always been enough to provide for the family, a beautiful house, a great life, really) will be gone forever. And he will never get all of that back. Even if Walt just realises that in the final episodes.

His problematic lack of trust (even towards Jesse who never betrayed him!), his egocentric paranoia (the fact that he always thinks he is the center of some sort of conspiracy in the meth empire, despite the fact that it is a huge business and he is just not alone in this), his insane quest of power (the fact that he is never happy with what he has and always wants to extend his market/to extend his influence) and his huge PRIDE will always and constantly lead him to making huge mistakes and screwing up everything, making everything way worse. Walt is often the cause of his own failures.

But rather than learning from his mistakes, grow up and adapt, those mistakes just reinforce his beliefs, his fears, his desires, and justifies somehow even more his further actions. Walt is stuck in a vicious circle that, you know already from season 1-2, will lead him towards his end.

Everytime Walt tries something, he fails. He is not a badass mastermind meth dealer. He takes a lot of stupid decisions because he is too impulsive and doesn’t know how things really work in the real life. There is plenty of things he doesn’t know, even if he never admits it. He always have more competent person around him to do the job. Sure he cooks meth better than anybody else (except maybe Jesse in season 5), but meth dealing isn’t just cooking. Without Jesse, without Gus, without Mike, Walt would have never been Heisenberg.

Relying on other isn’t a bad thing (on the contrary), but that’s not what Walt does. Walt USES people. He manipulates them, he mentally ABUSES them, destroys their self esteem, threatens them, makes them believe they have no other choices but to order him. He did that with Jesse (big time), and also with Skyler for instance. The truth is Walt sucks and he needs others but he always denies it because he doesn’t want to admit that he is vulnerable and lost and that he actually is not “the big boss in the game”.

And whenever he makes a decision by himself (usually to cross someone), he FAILS. Like dramatically. He always puts himself in a position that is worse, usually more dangerous, just because he couldn’t shut up and keep his pride. Yes, sometimes, he also succeeds but it’s then quickly shown that what he thought was a success will turn up against him.

Even when Walt does look badass, it’s during short moments taken apart from big story. Yes, if you take some scenes out of context, Walt looks cool. But if you just take some time to analyse the context, than the scenes loose all its power and Walt appears the way he is inside: powerless, weak, insecure, pathetic.

For instance, when Walter says to his wife “I’m the danger”, it’s not meant to be seen as a badass line (and it has, by many people). It’s pathetic because he has, at that point in the show, lost control in his professional life. So he’s trying to regain control and influence in his private life by terryfing someone who looks weaker than him. He cannot hurt or scare his actual enemies in the meth empire because they are more powerful than him. He is at this point lost, confused and vulnerable. He needs to regain his manhood, his position of power, his role of alfa male. So to do so, he decides to terrify his wife, who is just a normal person and doesn’t know the meth world (and so, who has to take anything Walt says for granted). He’s like a bully, in school, attacking the weakest because they are in quest of manhood and influence. And we know bullies are actually the most insecure kids.

Besides, when Walt fails, he doesn’t even admit he screwed up, says sorry and learns from his mistakes. He denies he made a mistake and takes the blame on others. That’s, again, profoundly PATHETIC. He lies to everyone. While he claims that he doesn’t want anybody’s pity, he keeps lying to make it look like he was just the victim of unfortunate events against him. That’s why Walt isn’t even a good likeable villain. He denies what he truly wants (money, power, control, sense of manhood...), he hides behind a fake justification, and he doesn’t realise or admit that his means are deeply cruel (murder, mental abuse, meth dealing, child poisoning, lying, bloodbath assassinations...). Even if he has convinced himself he’s doing all of this for a good reason (provide for his family), it’s like he is not aware of the monstrosity of his actions. He never admits he has become a merciless monster. Not to his family, not to his wife, not to his partners in crime. Most villains would say: “I believe what I do is fair and justified, but to do so, I have to become a monster and do unspeakable things and that’s what I’m gonna do”. But Walt doesn’t.

(Walt would probably say something like “I’m a good person, I want to help my family which totally explains all my actions which weren’t even THAT bad if you look at it a certain way and there was no other choice anyway, I’m just a victim, but I’m still powerful, but I had to, but I’m in control.” And honestly? UGH.)

Walt is a looser, who tries to hide the fact that he sucks. He is not a badass, or a mastermind. He’s mostly scared, pathetic and lost. Breaking Bad always show us that. Breaking Bad is about the fail and the path towards the end of Walter White. It’s about Walt becoming worse and worse, but not by doing things more and more illegal/horrible. He’s becoming worse and worse as a person. More pathetic as the show evolves. More miserable. More lost. More desperate. And he ends up with NOTHING.

Walter White looses everything. His friends are so terrified of him that they don’t want to have any contact with him. His wife completely despise him. His son is ashamed and disgusted of him. His daughter will grow up without a father. His former associates are mostly dead. His partner, Jesse, hates him and runs away from him. Walt dies alone, abandonned by everyone, knowing nobody will miss him and that he has failed to do what he first wanted (take care of his family), that the person he once was, who had a great life actually, is gone.

The show makes it very clear that following Walter’s path is not something cool. It’s not something you should want or dream about. Because in your fantasy, the meth business is badass and cool and fun. But in reality, it’s difficult, horrifying, dangerous and life-ruining. The point of the show is to stay: Walt got stuck in this because he was, and always had been, a proud, narcissist and pathetic person and he has LOST everything when he tried to be the badass he never was.

This fictional lifestyle, based on pride, toxic masculinity and badass action fantasy, that is nourished by a lot of fictions and medias that we consume, is BAD (hence the title). The show criticises it over and over again.

And in my opinion, that’s why it’s so good. The show doesn’t glorify what society already praises to be the dream. It questions it, it shows us its true nature, and criticises it. At the end, Breaking Bad isn’t just a badass exciting action-movie turned into a serie (it would have been quite boring if it was). It’s more than that. It tells a story about us as human, as people, and it deconstructs a fantasy we all have had at some point. And it does it perfectly. So I really loved this show, but it saddened me to see so many people having this misunderstanding about what the show was trying to say.

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entitynotincluded · 6 years ago

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April 5th 2019;

2:56 am/4:05 am

I cant sleep and my whole body is physically aching. All these people that hurt me keep cycling through my mind.

First my dad... Luis... Why could you never show me love or even that you were proud of me. My youngest memories are of you being drunk and passed out. Yet I still loved you and idolized you with all my heart. You were my strong and hilarious dad! No one could stop you! You were out all day keeping the bad guys in jail so how could you be bad? When the divorce happened and you disappeared entirely. Any part of you that I thought I had was gone and I lost the dad I had grown so attached to. Any love that I felt you had for me left and it felt like an eternity till you said “I love you” to me again. I know you’ve said you love me before.. But that was when I was so young. I barely remember it. After all this time why? Why did you finally say it right as you left me again.

Mom... I don’t remember much before the divorce.. I wish I did. I wish I could remember you’re smile from back then. Who you were before my dads lies and cheatings were discovered. I see all these pictures of you back then. You looked so light and happy. Now when you smile I feel uneasy at times. When we left dad you started to drink and party... a lot. Living with Nana feels like the begining of the nightmare. That’s when you would go to work, come home to change and then head out again. Till you’d come home covered in the scent of booze, cologne and sweat. You’d just climb in bed, laughing because I had turned your creepy dolls away from me so they werent looking at me, then pass out. You never could tell that I had spent all night crying... worried you wouldnt return. I sat in that room staring out the window just waiting for you. I just wanted the mom that would read and sing me to sleep back. I wanted so badly for you to just be my loving mom again. I thought you being gone was the worst. Soon I learned you being there was living hell.

When you were with Luis still sure you guys would pull my ear and spank me... That was so rare though. After the split though... It was like a switch flipped in you and I became the punching bag to all your frustrations. It felt like everyday you would be hitting my ass raw. Pulling my ear so hard and constantly that it felt like it would fall off. Shaming me in public. Did you feel powerful bending me over in those stores, all those people watching, and just hitting me till I was screaming in pain because I could barely stand anymore. You would be worse behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed outside a lot because I was always grounded or I hadn’t cleared my plans with you at least a week in advance. I lived in constant fear of you. When the front door opened.. what mood would you be in?? How long could I hide in my room before you came for me?? Some days you would just come home; tell me to go to my room, take off my pants and bend over. Thats you be there soon with the spoon or spatula. I can still remember how that wood felt on my bare skin. The marks that were left. The tears that would seem to never stop. “I’ll stop when you stop crying. Why are you still crying?” I learned to not cry because of that. Emotions would only bring me pain so why did I need them? After you would leave though and that door would close (that is if it was allowed to be closed, which it usually wasnt) I would just cry. Forcing myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t draw your attention again. I’m an adult now so you don’t do that to me now. Yet I still feel so much fear to you sometimes.

Harleigh/Zeih... You were supposed to love me. Did you ever really care about me? Or was I just someone you dated cause why not?? You were polyamourous, yeah I was ok with that. I just wanted to know I had a special part in your heart. You could do what you wanted with people and I would have been fine with it. BUT you hid it from me. You withdrew from me and slept with some of my at the time closest friends. I had to learn from your roommate that you were having sex with these people. Then to have your dad call me and defend you? All I wanted was for you to reach out to me.. Talk to me. For when you saw me.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! To come after me and just show some form of guilt or caring. But no.. You iust watched me break every time and cry while trying to run and hide.

You probably never learned this but... one of the people you were busy spending all your time with... Romancing and screwing... That son of a bitch would later take advantage of me. Thats for later in this hell of a post though. First you Harleigh.. You get to know how what you did affected me... I already had trust and abandonment issues. You knew this... After this though... I just lost all sense of trust. Those I dated after you were because I felt the need to say yes not cause I wanted to. I remeber one guys name after you and thats cause I know I hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It took YEARS for me to finally, FINALLY feel attached to someone again. To fully love them. He is so much to me but god damn am I terrifed. I’m so scared of history repeating. You know why I’m so scared?? Because of you Harleigh... Harleigb you are the reason my heart fucking turned to dust. After you I stopped eating because maybe you found my body disgusting?? I identified as Asexual at the time but had been willing to have sex if that was what you really desired from me. I was willing to be that vulnerable with you. Yet you twisted it and shattered me. I stopped eating, my body would just start puking everyday... I lost all sense of time.

That is until Sam.

Sam... You through all of this had been there for me to go to and cry. When hugged me it felt like a shield. I thought you were my genuine friend. I called you my older brother sometimes for gods sake. But no... You took my trust and shattered it too. I just wanted a ride to my best friends house after a long day of guys being creepy and flipping my skirt up. You offered me a ride so I could avoid the creeps on the bus. Did you plan to take me up to that hill/mountaint that day? When did you deside that was the destination? All I remember is Ninja Sex Party playing in your speakers and driving past my friends house. I was so confused but I trusted you.

I got out of that car and looked at the view you had wanted me to see.

I sat on the rock like you told me to.

I was being the good little girl everyone told me to be.

Then next thing I know.. your mouth is on mine. Your hands just touching and clawing at my chest. Suddenly you had pushed my skirt up.. it felt like you were clawing at my tights... like you would rip them off at any second.. You had asked if I wanted you to go in my underwear. How many god damn times did I say no and shake my head??? Were my tears not enough for you?!!!! Apparently not. Your strong hands that had held me so many times suddenly were violating me. I remember your touch on my vagina.. You made a comment about how I shouldnt be embarrassed that I wasnt bare down there. You finallt took me to my friends house when you were done with me and after that you never spoke to me again.

Dylan... you were a minor part in all of this. You were just a boy that wanted his dick to get sucked. And I was just a boy that wanted some weed. Yet that wasn’t all... you knew I had a small crush on you... You joked about it to me. You led me along and ditched me right as one of my close friends that you liked started talking to you again. You left me like some road kill. Why couldnt you at least stay and be my friend?? No. You had to completely stop talking to me. So for that fuck you. You never cared when I cried. Never came when I was crying and on the verge. Just begging for some form of help.

After all this I tried to stop eating and existing. I went to an out patient program and acted like a good recovering depressed child. I just wanted to play happy until the day I snapped and killed myself. Now though... Now I feel so happy. Everyday I get to talk to the love of my life. He sees my pain. It scares him yes. But it doesn’t scare him away. If anything it brings him closer. He wants to be there for me and I want to be there for him. I don’t have to be fake happy anymore.

I just get to be genuinely happy!

He makes living through all of this worth it and so much more. There will be hard times in the future. I accept this. Yet I feel so much more prepared to face it as long as I have my soulmate, James. He makes me not hate the world anymore. In fact now I don’t hold hate towards any of these people except you Sam.

My mother: I love her dearly even though she terrifies me

My father: I want to trust you and feel a bond if that were possible

Dylan: We were both so young I just hope you learned and are a better person now

Harleigh: I hope you find joy in your life. Though it would bring me so much joy if you could see like once in public with my James. I just want you to see how much better of a person he is than you will EVER be.

#ramblings #feelings #text

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aiupenn · 6 years ago

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Hungry Like the Wolf

Osamu and Ranpo go to get some pastries after a mission together. Ranpo shows some unexpected kindness and Osamu comes up with a rather childish plan. [read it on ao3]

"Dazai... I want some of that."

Osamu comes to a sudden stop as Ranpo latches onto his jacket sleeve. The detective's eyes are closed, but Osamu doesn't have to see what he's looking at to know what he's talking about. They'd just passed a pastry shop and if he knew Ranpo (and he did) that would be what he was eyeing.

He had not intention of indulging Ranpo's habit. As much of a fondness he held for the man, his wallet didn't love his obsession with sugar. It was always difficult to say 'no', though, when he looked so innocent and sweet. He practically glowed as he studied the array of tarts, donuts, and cream puffs. Osamu felt his resolve for his wallet falter.

But that was only for a moment. The temptation of eating food other than instant ramen this month was too strong. He looks to Ranpo, who in turn looks to him expectantly. Osamu gives a thoughtful hum, as if he's really considering it. Ranpo's grasp on his sleeve tightens.

And then Osamu takes a decisive step in the other direction. Ranpo lets out a cry of distress, but he feels the other man stumble after him, still clinging to his sleeve. After a moment, he even lets go of that with a huff. Osamu wouldn't care to say out loud that he felt a stab of guilt.

Still, he's disappointed with himself that he's not willing to go and stop his friend(?) when he clearly starts sneaking back to the pastry shop. He really is going too soft...

He stops for a minute to feign interest in a street artist before turning to go after him. Osamu glances through the front window to see Ranpo chatting it up with the store clerk, a paper bag full of pastries overflowing in his arms. This man may be the end of me... he thinks, sadly not very regretfully. Starvation wouldn't be his chosen end, but perhaps ending his life in defense of Ranpo (or rather, his love of sweets) wouldn't be so bad. It would be nice if he cried if he died...

He shook his head, embarrassed by his own fanciful line of thinking. If he's this desperate for attention from the detective, he'll end up just as praise-hungry as Ranpo.

He walks in to disrupt the conversation between Ranpo and the clerk, much to the clerk's relief it seems. She looks terribly annoyed with the man, which is not all that surprising. Despite his rather astounding intelligence, social situations never went well with him. He always ended up bragging, going on for too long about the most recent case he'd solved.

Ranpo doesn't turn to acknowledge his partner(?) until he slides up next to him at the counter. "Ah! Dazai!" He beams briefly, but turns away immediately to scurry off to a table with an armful of his goodies.

Osamu tries to hold in a sigh as he looks to the clerk with the sweetest face he could muster. She was a beauty, certainly (in his opinion, most people were), but it was difficult finding the enthusiasm to flirt with her when he'd much rather flirt with the man sitting without him. All the same, he rummages through his wallet while looking up to the clerk through his eyelashes, "Ah... Pardon him, ma'am. I'll be paying the bill," he fishes out the yen and looks her in the eyes, "I hope he wasn't causing you any sort of trouble? I don't want to imagine a lady as pretty as you inconvenienced by someone such as him." The 'him' in question, wasn't giving Osamu so much a second glance from the table he'd sat at. It would be nice if he at least thanked him for paying. Although, he knew better than to expect as much from Ranpo at this point. Osamu wants to keep looking at him and study every feature to see if he has any sort of reaction from his next actions, but that's just the hopelessly in love (hmm... he didn't like that word.) hopelessly infatuated side of him.

He hands the woman the yen, but before her hand leaves the counter, he takes it lightly in his. "Ma'am, i have to admit that I've been waiting for this moment alone with you..." he looks up with a earnestness he doesn't really buy himself, "You see, I have an important question to ask you," he sucks in a breath, "Would you commit--"

"Dazai!" Ranpo's voice reaches his ears from the other end of the shop. It's got a whine to it that Osamu kind of likes, "I got us poison-filled jelly donuts!"

Osamu can't help but feel his heart leap for two reasons. 1) Ranpo had called to him right as things were going to get romantic. Not that he believed the detective really had feelings for him (Osamu was fairly certain he'd know if he did with how ridiculously often he studied the man). 2) Poison-filled jelly donuts were a delicious way to die.

His attention was very efficiently diverted and he abandoned his conversation immediately to glide into the seat across from Ranpo. "Edogawa! You'd commit double suicide with me? And for something so small as buying you pastries?" He made his eyes shine with excitement as he looked for the promised donuts.

"I lied," Ranpo said in monotone before taking a bite from a cream puff.

Osamu deflated immediately, laying his cheek on the table, "Your so cruel to me, Edogawa."

Ranpo ignored his comment completely. Something warm pushed against Osamu's hair. "Will coffee do?" Ranpo asked.

Osamu shot up from the table. Genuine surprise and delight crossed his face for just a moment (Smother that, he reminds himself). He'd never go so far as to say Ranpo didn't care for others--he'd seen him go out of his way to solve little mysteries too many times to believe that--but, Ranpo wasn't exactly... 'kind'. Osamu suspected it was very much a front, the same way his over-exaggerated nature was. Ranpo wasn't the type to be giving, although sometimes it was very clear he wanted to. He wanted to be smart and feel above others, and kindness wasn't how you got there. Osamu knew that well.

"Ah~~ For me~~?" he puts on the most delighted face he can manage, although it's not difficult. The joy is mostly genuine. He flicks his gaze up to Ranpo's closed eyes, "Do--Do I dare dream that you bought me a cup of detergent as well?"

"Of course not." Ranpo starts eating a lemon tart.

Now be disappointed, Osamu. "For a moment I thought you cared, Ranpo..." he slumped again against the table.

It was nice to think that Ranpo had consciously decided to pick up a drink for him. Ranpo probably didn't think much of it himself, though. Osamu's desperate heart is getting itself into trouble now with all this hopeful thoughts. Much longer, and he'd be head over heels in love. He tried to hide his sigh as he picked up the cup of coffee, the warmth spreading quickly through his fingers.

He hadn't realized he'd been smiling. "Ah~" Can you imagine how mad Kunikida will be that we took this detour and made him late..." He excuses away the pleasent expression with such a comment and looks over the top of his drink at Ranpo.

His coworker(?) had a strange expression on his face, a lot like the one he had when he was considering a very fascinating murder. His eyes were closed, but it was fairly clear that his full attention was on Osamu and his coffee. It made his heart flutter, although he'd be loath to admit it. What was Ranpo so fascinated by? Is he... worried I won't like it? he wonders.

It's unusually difficult for him to force down the heat rising to his cheeks. Osamu Dazai is most certainly not someone who gets flustered when his crush (hmm... it's a bit of a stronger emotion than that) gives him their full attention, even when their full attention is hard to get if you're not a slowly rotting corpse, and he especially doesn't get flustered when this is happening seconds after said crush was doing something uncharacteristically kind.

Ahh~ He's almost certainly lying to himself if his heartbeat is anything to go by. Osamu Dazai is definitely flustered. Who knew such an aloof, arrogant detective would be the one to make him feel that way?

Lucky for him, it seems like he might not be the only flustered one because Ranpo pointedly turns away to take a bite of his tart as soon as he notices Osamu's eyes on him. Osamu can't help but smile a little at this, although somewhere deep down he knows he's reading too much into it. In either case, he finally tips the cup back to take a sip.

And immediately has to stifle a choke.

After a brief moment of struggle, he forces it down. "Is--is that black?" he tries to sound inquisitive, but knows he's failing miserably. He feels his heart sinking by the moment.

He had tried to tell himself he was getting too hopeful. After all that daydreaming, Ranpo had only given it to him as a prank after all. It's his own fault in the end; he should have known better than to get so wishful.

Ranpo turns to look at him with a satisfied smirk, "I was right, wasn't I?" Osamu tries to hide his confusion, "That's the way you like it. A good detective will always know the way his partner likes his coffee!"

Osamu's entire face flushes and he knows that Ranpo can see. He wasn't able to smother it before it happened. Ranpo had been wrong, but he hadconsciously paid attention and bought the coffee black just for him. God, his heart just wouldn’t stop pounding. This was ridiculous. When exactly had he fallen so in love like with this man?

He lets his eyes sparkle with real glee as he got another sip. “Edogawa~ You are a genius!”

Ranpo takes the compliment in his usual way: looking annoyingly smug.

By the time Ranpo reached into his bag to get a donut, Osamu was already devising a plan to make his partner (that was the right word. for now at least) just a flustered as he was. After all, Osamu might enjoy the attention, but he most certainly didn’t enjoy the removal of his mask. It made everything unreasonably complicated.

Now, he’d never truly grown out of being childish (quite obviously), but even he had to admit that the plan he was hatching was childish. It reminded him vaguely of the indirect kisses middle schoolers got so embarrassed over. It made him question if he was throwing his pride out of the window just for some simple payback.

But, he was also nothing if not impulsive.

”Hey, Edogawa. I want some of that,” Osamu said, pointing to Ranpo’s donut.

Just as planned, the other man went on the defensive immediately. He tried to eat the rest of the donut as he shook his head. Osamu would have none of that this time around.

He stood and leaned over the table, his hand only narrowly escaping knocking over the cup of coffee. Ranpo looked slightly alarmed. Osamu smirked.

He placed his index finger lightly under Ranpo’s chin to get him to face his direction. Then, he leaned in close, tilting his head ever so slightly so he won’t run into his partner’s nose. Ranpo doesn’t immediately jerk away, which makes a small part of Osamu excited, but also doubtful. Perhaps this is just a truly terrible idea. Ah. No chance to think of that now, though.

Their lips brush lightly as Osamu takes a bite of the donut sticking out of Ranpo’s mouth. He knew he was imagining it again, but he felt the other man suck in a breath of shock as their lips touch. The touch is lighter than two feathers, but Osamu’s heart flutters involuntarily, even though he’d planned this exact moment all along. Damn. He’s so terribly hopeless.

He sits back in his seat, acting as if nothing unusual had happened. ”Mmmm~ That was delicious! Thank you for sharing, Edogawa~!” Osamu wipes away the glaze from the corner of his mouth with his thumb, brushing the finger along his lips as well. His lips feel almost like they're burning, vibrating with some sort of excitement. He wants to keep the feeling there, and somehow the obvious answer to that is put your hands over the top of it. That will definitely keep the feeling in. Childish.

He makes as subtle of eye contact possible with Ranpo, although he'd like it if he could watch him like a wolf watches it's prey without making his true motives even more obvious. Osamu sticks out his tongue, and licks the glaze off his thumb, licking from his knuckle to the tip. He sucks on the nail for just a moment, getting rid of the rest of sugar before humming in satisfaction.

Ranpo was definitely staring, but he wasn’t showing any of his other feelings on the entire encounter. What a pity Osamu had found himself with a man who rivaled him in his ability to hide his feelings.

After an embarrassingly long pause, Ranpo did betray some emotion, although Osamu had to admit he had no clue what it meant. His green eyes opened to just a slit and leveled a glare at him. It was impossible to tell, but Osamu hoped that it had a bit of playfulness to it, because if Ranpo was well and truly pissed… Well, the only benefit would be that it would be interesting.

There was a moment a little like a standoff where neither moved until Ranpo closed his eyes once more and stood, taking his bag of treats with him. He had the briefest of words with the clerk (who—if the color of her ears were anything to go by—had witnessed their exchange) and got a box full of donuts. He doesn’t look to Osamu again, only tilts his head in his direction for a moment and skips out the door.

The clerk panics a bit, “Wait! You have to pay for that, sir!” Osamu lets a sigh, but he’s not sure if he’s annoyed by Ranpo’s behavior or lack of reaction.

He grabs the terrible black coffee off the table and walks to the counter. “I’ve got it,” he told her with a smile, handing over the yen, “I apologize once again for his behavior.” A wink, and he’s followed Ranpo out the door. His partner is leaning against the wall just outside, enjoying a donut.

”You’re going to make poor me broke, Edogawa…” he says, “I needed some of that money to buy some proper cyanide capsules…”

”Don’t steal my donuts and you won’t have to pay extra,” Ranpo responds, pursing his lips

Immediately, Osamu grabs one from the box. Ranpo makes a noise of protest, but he—taking advantage of his slightly taller height—holds it high above his head. “Don’t make me buy them and I won’t steal them~” Ranpo makes a jump for his pastry, but Osamu is one step ahead as he takes a bite.

Ranpo huffs. “Mmm~ Delicious~” Osamu says, smiling.

He’s unprepared for the lips that brush along his fingers as Ranpo takes the donut from his hand with his mouth. Osamu draws back in shock as his partner finishes it off. Once again, he’s unable to hide the blush. His fingers feel numb where he felt Ranpo’s breath on his fingertips.

Apparently, accidental flirtation on Ranpo’s end was his downfall. After all that effort, he was still the only one flustered in the end.

He lets out a silent shaky breath before humming in a (hopefully) disinterested way. “Let’s hope Kunikida isn’t too mad at me, hmm, Edogawa?”

Ranpo: 1, Osamu: 0.

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #daran #osamu dazai #ranpo edogawa #writing #one-shot #aiuwrites #fluff #like #entirely fluff #this basically has no plot

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