#truly it is all about a family adapting to change and surviving
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Burrows end; stotal recall: the bast of us II the stoatening- musteloid bugaloo is close to my favorite d20 series
#dimension 20#burrow's end#truly it is all about a family adapting to change and surviving#how could you not love tradition vs modernity and the struggle of the wonders of the unknown vs the comforts of the known#all i’m saying is#these stoats would evaporate if confronted with therapy or a manifesto#and what could be best#stoats in chernobyl what will they do
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poke hornet nest
my stance on ABA
(my stance on ABA)
as someone with (some) lived experience
most of it is shit.
for long time in past and even now, ABA only service available for a lot autistic people & family.
most of it (< ABA*) still is shit. (*this disclaimer applies to rest of repetition)
heard of more than enough cases of. insurance/school system/etc give pathetic number of hours/sessions for speech, OT, etc for autism but many more hours of ABA. or only cover ABA.
most of it still shit.
some speech & OT & other so called “alternatives to ABA” use behavioral & ABA tactics.
most of it still shit.
for many family, especially those with autistic person diagnosed as “severe” or level 3 and or have extreme behavioral issues etc. their option isn’t “ABA or no ABA.” often, option is “ABA or be labeled as abusive neglectful by government” or “ABA or have child taken away” “you ‘willingly’ enroll in ABA or we take and put them in ABA anyway” or “ABA or lose job.”
most of it still shit.
“ABA or lose job” because school not able or not willing help (because autistic person’s needs “that much”), you keep getting called to pick them up from school, from day care. other people not know how “deal with” your autistic family member, you know how help them a little more but also you sure as hell don’t and are just as lost. so you keep miss work to go pick them up from places that kick them out and you exhausted and you not get sleep because autistic family member needs pretty constant supervision and you not have respite and you not know how help and eventually your job fires you because you keep miss work. and oh did ever mention caring for disabled person extremely expensive? but oh btw there ABA agency you can send autistic family member to for up to 40 hour/week so maybe you can keep job and thus keep roof over head and can still put food on table for family for your autistic family member. oh they also say they may able help with autistic family member behavior so maybe they don’t get kicked out of every necessary service.
most of it still shit.
ABA agencies frequently kick out people deemed too severe or “cannot be helped” or too violent or too many behavioral issues or cause too much harm.
most of it still shit.
in world where may & very often do kill you for seeing you as different thus “threat,” ability mask life saving survival tactic. am talking about POC. am specifically especially talking about Black people. is teaching how mask greater evil than dead killed hatecrimed? sure, no one should have to choose between these two options, but world not care about your morals n your “should”s n your envisioned better future you may or may not be actively help build right now, these people need survive in real world here and now.
most of it still shit.
there (some. a few.) ABA survivors who went thru ABA in past and now who think ABA helped. helped them gain skill. help them prevent harm. some of them don’t see self as abused in ABA or traumatized by ABA. some see it as both abused and helped and grateful for help and hate abuse. some see as both abused and helped and don’t see amount of helped as ever worth abuse.
most of it still shit. (so many were & are abused. n abuse is abuse)
many newer ABA agencies realize ABA heavily criticized n labeled abusive & say they change methods & no longer practice old school ABA & now no longer abusive.
most of it still shit. (many of these agencies still do coercive abusive stuff even if call themselves changed)
some of them maybe truly changed. getting rid of abusive practices, focusing on skill building & adaptive functioning, child-led, instead of drills and forced masking.
most of it still shit.
talk a lot with people who so adamant about “all ABA abuse” “all parents who put child into ABA abused deserve get child taken away” who never was in personal proximity of ABA who. when ask to describe what ABA is in own words, not able to. or give generic response like “abuse & force mask”, but when ask to describe specific methods they do that, not able to. when ask them what discrete trial training and prompting is and what goals may look like and how they write behavioral analysis, never heard of any of them. say listen to ABA survivors, but not able name any individual names. just “oh listen to them online, if you actually listen like me you would know & i wouldn’t need say more so it really your ignorance.” but more often, just get reactionary shut down whole conversation be seen as ableist threat if even be asked first question. how you help advocate for ABA survivors if don’t even know what ABA is? or who ABA survivors? if cannot even talk about ABA? how even fight against your enemy if don’t even know what enemy look like, not able pick out enemy from crowd unless spoon fed?
most of it still shit.
found that. when am talking about ABA. from add nuance to encourage thought provoking questions to even rhetorically ask people to describe ABA. have to repeat emphasize that am not saying ABA all not abusive. even if it first thing i lead with. even if it super clear that am indeed criticizing ABA, just with more grey area and nuances than people used to. lot people will block me from this post just within some paragraphs. lot will block me over saying “most of it still shit” instead of denounce all ABA, when it clear that use of word “most” is deliberate choice n reason of said choice is in every corner of this post. others will finish reading (if even that) and all get out of is repeating “most of it still shit.” made similar posts year(s) ago. and still, find people vague post or explicitly post about me or my post, paint me as evil ABA apologist. whenever come across people who talk about “post where talk about ABA good,” stop and wonder, are they talking about me?
don’t want to talk about ABA because of this. tired, not worth it, often is bad starting point is turn off for people who never seen my posts when have other posts much easier entry point, n start off at bad start may cause them to not listen to me and maybe even other higher support needs and or nonverbal nonspeaking autistics in foreseeable future or ever.
you know, this post started off as “… so you all know i don’t think kindly of ABA right”
throughout write this post, don’t know which part am emphasizing more. the “most of it still shit” part or parts in between.
still. most of it still shit.
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Rose's Day of Asks
Top 5 QL couples that you think can truly have a HEA?
Have a great Day💜
Oh hi Rose! I would be honored to participate. This is a great question because there are not actually that many qls where I end the show convinced the couple will stay together for the long haul, either because the characters are very young, the relationship problems are not entirely addressed, I don't fully believe in their bond, or I picture the characters changing in a way that is not compatible. There are a handful that I have a hard time imagining ever breaking up, though.
Pat and Pran, Bad Buddy
After everything these two went through to be together and, crucially, stay together? Ain't no way. They've already survived being forced to compete with each other, feuding friends and families, years-long separation, long distance, and plenty of serious conflicts both with each other and with threats external to the relationship. They will survive the rest and live together through it all.
Kasuga and Nomoto, TsukuTabe
It took them so long to find each other, and now that they have you can bet they will be sticking together. These two are so well matched, and they each provide something the other needs, both where food and emotion are concerned. Nomoto is kind and curious and Kasuga is steady as a rock. They decided to move in together before they even kissed (the u-haul lesbian jokes write themselves). I can easily picture them still sitting at that table eating together in 40 years.
Payu and Rain, Love in the Air
These two are so young, but this is a situation of two perfectly suited people finding each other at an improbably early age. It's rare, but it happens! They are not only a perfect match for each other sexually, but their personalities are also very-well suited. Payu needs to direct his care taking energy to someone who wants it, and Rain needs someone to give him attention, motivation and focus. They give each other a lot of joy and you can feel how happy they are whenever they're together. They will have a long life together pushing each other to succeed and discovering new kinks.
Baram and Hantae, Sing My Crush
These two have been devoted to each other since the day they met. They love each other and they like each other and I can't imagine either of them wanting to be with anyone else. Even if Han Baram's music career takes off, he will be bringing Im Hantae along with him.
Achi and Karan, Cherry Magic Thailand
They are husbands! And even if they weren't, I would like to see you try to pry Karan away from Achi. This one is interesting because we have multiple adaptations of this particular story, but for me Karan and Achi are the pair I believe in the most. Achi really put in the work to learn how to communicate and reciprocate Karan's affections, and their bond with each other feels mutual and rock solid. They're going to have a long and happy life together and be that sickeningly sweet married couple everyone else rolls their eyes about (except for Pai, she will be in the background swooning).
#this was a fun one thanks rose!!#bad buddy#tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna#she loves to cook and she loves to eat#love in the air#sing my crush#cherry magic th#multi bl#shan recommends#shan answers
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Arikado gushing about Trevor
The comments:
I will never understand why some people think Alucard shitting on Trevor is an improvement over Trevor and Alucard respecting each other
I fucking hate this with all my heart ❤️ NFCV fans be like "why do you feel the need to compare the games with the adaptation? Why can't you see it as it's own thing and let people have fun?" and then pull off shit like this.
Why can't NFCV fans keep their NFCV shit to their NFCV spaces? 🤡 Why do they feel the need to go on GAMES spaces and act as if their show could even remotely fit? 🤡 Not to mention... Haha yeah, isn't it so funny that Trevor is a drunk and an idiot? Isn't it so funny that the noble bloodline who have dedicated their lives to protect the same people that fear and reject them, probably because they understand they're scared and weak and don't know any better and just want to survive, are reduced to some rich guys with a leather whip and a collection of books about penises? Isn't it so HILARIOUS that Alucard express no sympathy and no respect for Trevor and his dead family??
The fact those fans see no problem not only with how purely mean and petty N!Alucard is to N!Trevor, but also with making fun of N! Trevor's drinking habit when it's a coping mechanism for his trauma...! I get that the show itself doesn't care about this fact, but for the love of God is it too much to ask fans to think for themselves??? Is it too much to ask them to CARE about how poorly their favorite show handles trauma?? And everything in general?? Do they HAVE to blindly follow the "haha drunk man funny" train??
I am not against the very idea of Trevor being a drunk and having fun banter with Alucard. But that's the thing. Not only Trevor being a drunk is only there for jokes and never truly explored, and he never gets to process or get over his trauma of SEEING HIS HOME AND ENTIRE FAMILY BURN AS A CHILD... But his "funny banter" with Alucard isn't actually funny banter. Alucard is mean, straight up. I mean Trevor says one bad joke about Alucard's parents around a campfire, but next to that, Alucard constantly shits on him and his bloodline!! As if the framing and the very story wasn't doing it enough already!!
The "eat shit and die" "yes fuck you" moment could have been funny... IF THEY FUCKING KNEW EACH OTHER. THEY LITERALLY JUST MET. THEIR ONLY INTERACTIONS SO FAR WAS THEM FIGHTING EACH OTHER. THEM SWEARING AT EACH OTHER AND THEN LAUGHING AFTERWARD ISN'T EARNED, THEY'RE NOT CLOSE ENOUGH FRIENDS FOR THAT AND THEY WILL NEVER BE. NOT WITH N!ALUCARD'S SHITTY ATTITUDE. It's not a fun dynamic to have two manchildren saying fuck yous at each other! It's not a fun dynamic to have one of them insult the other's dead family while the other isn't even allowed to talk back because "oh he has to be the bigger person" according to Sypha!! It's not a fun dynamic to have NO ACTUAL BONDING MOMENT BETWEEN THE MAIN CHARACTERS and instead, have them spend their screentime being assholes to each other, with their mom friend having to be the braincell that keep them in line!!
I hate that Netflixvania felt the need to pretend to be an adaptation of CV3 and CoD(?). That's why we get shit comments like this and shit takes pretending their characters are improvements from the games they know nothing about. At least with Lords of Shadow, it is VERY OBVIOUS that it's an alternate universe. It doesn't pretend to want to change or "improve" anything from the classic timeline, it does it's own thing on it's own little corner, and it's very easy to appreciate it along with the OG timeline thanks to that. Even if it uses familiar names like Trevor and Simon and Sypha, no one with a braincell would even think to compare them to their classic counterparts (at least not in a "this version is better than the other" way), because it's not the same universe.
NFCV isn't like that. NFCV pretends to take place in the classic timeline. NFCV pretends to bring improvements to it. When all it does is destroy. And I'm not saying this just because it changed a lot of stuff. I'm saying this because everyone, Ellis the first one, just HAVE to shit on the games to praise the show. It was intentional for it to be percieved as being "better than the games". 🤡
Anyway game Trevor and Alucard my beloveds I love you and your respectful and wholesome relationship 🥺
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This is my first fanfic so plz be nice (long one at least for me)
Lo’ak was always insecure, insecure about his body, his skills, his worthlessness. He loathed everything about himself, and now that his brother is gone he must not only live up to his fathers name but his brother too. It was all too much he was overwhelmed. He didn’t want to be near anyone, but he wouldn’t mind you right now.
He meet you on the sinking ship, you were standing on the very small area left afloat, shaking. You were scared, if not terrified, you were young. Just around his age at the time, but that wasn’t all he noticed. You were chained up, in cuffs, you looked injured and run down. Yet just as he was getting close from behind he noticed you were branded. You can even say dehumanized, how could humans do an act so horrible, so dehumanizing, so torturous?! That was when he felt something touch him.
His father was behind him also looking at you. “Son do what your heart tells you” he says looking at his son solemnly at his as he understood the conflict in his sons head. With that Jake left, and Lo’ak saved you. Petrified of the Navi you were hesitant to accepting his offer, but you figure it would be better than drowning. As he took you with him as soon as you reached the village you passed out from exhaustion, due to the overwhelming you faced as the boat was sinking and your people were dying. To be honest you didn’t consider them your people. They did in despicable things to you, using you a just another experiment; a lab rat. That’s what they considered you nothing but a waste of space, someone to take their anger upon. Those bastards would torture you, violate you, rid you of your dignity, the only good thing they ever did is adjust your lungs to breathe the air on pandora. Just invade they’d use you as bait and didn’t wanna waste money on a mask especially made for you.
You never wanted to go through that again, but as you were riding with Lo’ak you weren’t scared, nor petrified. You were content, tired but nonetheless content, he was warm, comforting, kind. He was making sure that you were still there behind him as you were too scared to hold onto him. The inevitably changed the moment he went slightly faster now forcing you to latch onto him to stay on. You were struggling to stay awake since he was so warm. That was the last thing you remember since you passed out the second you were inside the village. Jake and Netiri were waiting for him.Jake knowing about his “guest.” However he could let you be alone with his son because you were one of the sky people, so you slept with the Sully family. As you awoken from your sleep you were surrounded by the Sully family. They said they would teach you their ways as long as you stayed loyal to the Navi, and that’s exactly what you did.
(7 years later)
You’ve adapted to their way of life now, adjusted to their ways. However their was one person you never quite got adjusted to Lo’ak. Over the years you guys grew closer and you’ve developed a crush. I know 20’s a little old for a crush but he was the only one who truly acknowledged you as part of the Navi. You were an outsider, no one wanted you there, you were treated as if you were just a dog. Yet you’d rather be treated with discrimination then an experiment. Out of everyone in the Sully family he was the only one who wouldn’t look at you with those eyes. Eyes that knew you weren’t their kind, eyes that knew you weren’t supposed to be here. That’s why you went out with Lo’ak more these days. You gained their trust enough to be alone with him, and the days you spent with him were the most fun. Unless you got on the ikran (the dragon) you were petrified of falling especially at this height that you knew you wouldn’t survive. He was slowly trying to make you less scared of heights but it never worked he’d always need to land mid flight because you’d start having a panic attack from the altitude. He never judged you for that, instead in his head he’d punish himself for making you go through that. Even at 20 years old he still had problems with self worth, and self love. Yet even if he saw you at your lowest he never let you see that part of him. That part that was covered in self loathing, the part that was under so much pressure that he didn’t even know what to do. The only thing he was 100% sure of in his mind was that he wanted to protect you. He didn’t want you to be know as the freak, the outcast, the demon. He knew what it was like to go through that and he’d never ever want you to go through that.
But there was one thing he’d do to soothe his aching head from his thoughts. When you were asleep he’d tell you everything, his self consciousness, his thoughts, his insecurities, he’d tell you everything that plagued his mind. However today was different today was the day his brother died. He felt like a coward, a useless, ridiculous coward. He didn’t even have the courage to tell you this even if you were asleep. Well at least he thought you were. You were a very light sleeper so you’d hear everything he’d tell you, keeping it as a mental note to praise him the next day. But tonight he didn’t do that, everyone was asleep but he was no where to be found. With that you got up and went to the only place you’d think he’d be at… Eywa. The only part that scared you was the swim over there. Of course you’ve swam on his Ilu but never alone. Yet you figured the llu would have a connection to you. But there you stood confused was Lo’ak really that mad at himself that he swam all the way over there alone. You couldn’t tell, but you took the llu that thankfully recognized you and was happy to see you. With that you two swam to Eywa. Seeing his there tired from swimming and looking like he was about to drown. With that you gave the llu to him as he sat there gaining his breath and questioning why you were here. Reluctantly you told him that you’d hear him vent to you every night but since you didn’t hear him this night you went to go look for him.
Damn he never felt more guilty then at that moment. You heard everything! He felt so bad because that wasn’t your baggage to carry, not you guilt to have. With that he broke, the walls surrounding his heart faltering as he sobbed into your shoulder. You’ve never seen him like this before he was so vulnerable, so broken. You understood him so you let him take it all out. You guys were there until sunrise just allowing him to be vulnerable and take it all out. After he finished sobbing and started to relax a little. He realized that he felt safe with you, like you were his rock. So he decided to tell you why it was tonight that he was like this. He told you how his brother was the mighty warrior of the family and took a bullet for him to survive. Saying that it was his fault. When he said that you pulled his hair, him hissing at you until he heard those words com out of your mouth. That he “wasn’t at fault for any of that shit” and that he was “ so fucking important to you because you loved him…” You… what?! You loved him he couldn’t fucking believe it. Out of all people you loved him a freak and a failure, but before he could say anything he felt you grab his hair and make the bond on your heart. That’s when he felt it all the love you had for him, how your heart was beating, how you were breathing. That’s when he finally decided to take the hint and kiss you. Until he heard something or better someone whistle at him it was his father. Both of you were alarmed until his father told him that he was proud of him for doing that, and that he approved you guy’s relationship. Now that was you guys happy ending.
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I
The Church is like Phoenix, Arizona.
I recently moved away from Phoenix after living there for a few years. I have fond memories of people and events that happened while living there. But having been away from Phoenix for a few months, I can say I needed a change.
The city itself is nothing short of a monument to human stubbornness and by most metrics it is thriving. And those who stay swear up and down there is no where else they'd rather be.
But the weather was hard for me--year round sun, blistering summers that seem to stretch forever, with too short, albeit pleasant winters. The landscape is harsh and the wildlife ready to sting or bite or attack in order to survive. The dirt there can literally give you a chronic illness and water is always a concern.
But there are those who love it. Who embrace the desert and find beauty in it. Who thrive on dry heat and do not want to deal with frosts. They find harmony amongst the javelinas. The have risen to the challenge and could not imagine leaving.
The church is like Phoenix, Arizona.
When you arrive, people welcome you in and apologize for the heat. They do not promise you'll get used to it, but they will absolutely support your attempts. They know that it's hard to adjust to living in Phoenix, but they assure you the winter will make all your discomfort worth it.
They are keenly aware that not everyone can make it in Phoenix. They know that many will leave after a time and that is just how it goes. They know that they are the butt of jokes or seen as crazy for staying, but it's home, it's where family and community is and so they double down--they insist that they are made of stronger stuff or built different to last in the desert and they make sure you know how much courage it takes to stay for as long as you can manage it.
The church is like Phoenix, Arizona.
I left Phoenix because I needed seasons and clouds and trees. I needed rain and pleasant summer evenings. I needed to not worry so much about the water. I needed to be closer to family. I needed community I couldn't quite build there.
Phoenix wasn't the city for me. It was for a time; it gave me what it could give me and I am grateful for it. But it wasn't the right fit, and I was privileged to seize an opportunity to take me elsewhere. But I'll be honest, while I know that Phoenix didn't work for me and I know it works for others, I can't help but feel like I failed. That I wasn't good enough. That I just didn't have the strong moral character needed to stay.
And in my even less charitable moments, I do even wonder how anyone could truly love living in Phoenix. How could a place that so firmly missed my needs, so perfectly fulfill the needs of someone else? But maybe we are all different and that's why we living in so many different places so we can, hopefully, find the place that best suites us.
The church is like Phoenix, Arizona.
But are all cities equally good to live in? What if my life would be better by staying in Phoenix? What if authorities in my life said Phoenix was the best place for me and my family to live? What if the hardships of living in Phoenix are intended to make me a better person? What if the people of Phoenix claimed it was the closest city to God?
Would it still be okay to leave? Would a better person than me stay? What if I can stay and make it more habitable for others? Is there anything better than Phoenix out there?
In truth, nobody cares what city you choose to live in. You find what works for you and make it work. No city is perfect and you'll have to work to fix those flaws (or adapt to the things you can't change), but that secret is finding the place where the benefits don't outway the flaws.
II
Phoenix, Arizona is not like the church.
For some, selecting an institution of spirituality is similar to selecting a city to live--does it meet my needs? Is this a community I want to participate in and give back to? Is there room for me and others to grow? Does the doctrine and ideals taught by this institution resonate with my soul?
But this universalist approach to church membership is often not offered to those in the LDS tradition. Which creates a lot of tension between those who choose to stay and those who choose to leave. At best we begrudgingly wish those who leave "all the best" and hope they don't rage too hard against the church (or at us). At worst, we fear for them, we envy them, or we feel insecure. And those who leave often seem to have difficulty moving on and often use the worst the church has to offer to erase any good it may do.
Because at the heart of this is a concern: which of all these cities is the correct city to live in? This question presupposes that there even is a "correct" city to begin with? If there is a "correct" city to live in, then it stands to reason that we should want to live there regardless of discomfort or personal need.
Applying this framing to selecting a city to live in feels ridiculous, but in the context of the unknown of the afterlife, it seems a popular mindset. If this is the "one true church back to God", then we must stay regardless of any discomfort or pain or systemic mistreatment and we must stay with no promises of any improvement. Often to leave because "it's not supporting my needs" feels selfish and faithless.
When it comes to cities, we let people leave (while mourning the departure of friends and family) and we let people stay (allowing them to live where suits them best). And while the analogy is not one to one, perhaps there is more to think about here in terms of religion, because a more "city-like" perspective might help us in our religious quest to more fully love our neighbors.
#queerstake#tumblrstake#long post#i've got more to say on this topic#also motivations of fear envy and insecurity
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Watched The Shining by Kubrick last night, and I can honestly understand why Stephen King hates it so much. It’s definitely not the best adaptation of the book at all, and the film really did destroy all the characterization the book goes through for each of the characters.
He might’ve been a bastard and a drunk, but Jack Torrance did love his wife and son, and the book does show that. It’s only towards the late middle and end that he really goes psychotic, and that’s mainly because of the hotel itself essentially possessing him and bringing out the worst of him. I am in no way excusing his actions, because he is an attempted murderer and an abusive father, but he did love Wendy and Danny, and he wasn’t a psychopath. Ultimately, it was his love for his son that stopped him when he managed to catch up to Danny, and it was what made him try to kill himself in an attempt to save his family. Unfortunately, at that point the Hotel was too powerful, and it didn’t matter if Jack was alive or dead; it just needed his body. The movie really failed to show his descent into madness; it just jumps right into crazy, with nothing to show the man he was before everything at the hotel happened. It also failed to show that the Hotel - the ‘manager’, as was stated - was truly what was behind everything. Had the Torrances not gone to the Overlook, would Jack have snapped and killed his family? It’s a possibility, but a low one - it’s more likely that Wendy would’ve ended up divorcing him, or he would’ve carried out his suicidal thoughts.
Wendy Torrance was not a weak woman - she not only had the courage and drive to stand up to her husband when he went batshit crazy, she locked him in a pantry, stabbed him, and went up multiple flights of stairs while very badly injured… and then she lived to be happy afterwards! She survived having her back broken by her husband when he tried to kill her, and lived a happy life afterwards! I can name maybe three people in my life who I am confident could do that. Kubrick’s decision to depict Wendy as an emotionally fragile woman was just demeaning to her character. Shelly Duvall did an incredible job, however, and I respect her immensely for it. That’s not an easy role to be put into in any way, especially not when you’re working for a nightmare of a director who decides that the best way to get results is to psychologically torture the star actress. She depicted the movie version of Wendy perfectly. I was cheering for her the whole way.
And then there’s all the other changes which I can understand from a filmmaker’s perspective as being more logical to making a movie, but they did change the story quite a bit. Having Jack use an axe rather than the roque mallet was an understandable change, as it was more recognizable to the public as a dangerous weapon, however… it meant that most of the important scenes, such as when Wendy’s back gets broken, never happen. You can’t exactly do that with an axe, can you? But that scene is one of the most impactful (pun not intended) and important to the book, at least in my view, since it shows her resilience and her love for her son, as mentioned in the above paragraph about her character. The choice to use the axe also meant that that Dick Hallorann died when he should not have.
That man, the chef with the Shine, was more important to the book, I think, than any character. He was the first to tell Danny that he wasn’t alone, that there were more people out there who had the same abilities he did, and that it wasn’t a bad thing. He was the one to tell Danny of the strange happenings at the Overlook, and to tell him that the visions might be scary but ultimately he didn’t think they could hurt him - which ended up being a major part of Danny’s choices. The main part of the reason Danny went into room 217 (237 in the movie) was because he remembered Dick telling him that the visions couldn’t hurt him, that all he had to do was look away when he saw them. And then there was how Dick came all the way across the country to help Danny when he was called. He pledged to help that boy if needed, and when he was needed, he came immediately, and ended up saving the remaining Torrances. His refusal to let that boy and his family die was such a big part of the story.
I can also understand the decision to turn the hedge topiary into a hedge maze. Making bush animals move is not at all easy, especially for a movie made in the 80’s. However, the animals were also fairly important to the story; they were the first real visual of Jack’s descent into madness, and then later a big factor of his possession by the Overlook; when he refused to believe that he’d seen them move, he essentially shut down any possibility of belief that there was something wrong at the hotel. By the end of the book, we sort of find out that the hotel itself was influencing his willingness to believe that, but his initial refusal did push that along. Once someone has made up their mind about something, even something they’ve seen with their own two eyes, it’s often very difficult to get them to change it, especially in a scary situation. The topiary was the first big turning point in Jack’s psyche.
Then there’s the decision to change his death scene - having him freeze to death after getting lost in the hedge maze and suffering a mild heart attack. It was… definitely a choice? In the book itself, after Jack ‘kills’ himself (again, the Hotel was possessing him fully at that point and no longer needed him alive, just needed his body, so him fighting back and bashing his own face in really did nothing in the long run but was a rather important scene - see the paragraph on Jack Torrance for clarification) the boiler in the hotel begins to overheat. The Hotel (possessing Jack’s body) goes to release the steam from it to prevent it from exploding - the problem here is that Jack was told by Watson that the boiler would blow long before the pressure gauge reached its red zone, because it was so old. But since it was not Jack present in that body but the Hotel itself, it had no idea about this and believed the boiler was now safe, as it had managed to reach it before the needle hit the red… and then the boiler exploded. Having Jack freeze to death in the hedge maze (and thus forcing us to experience that absolutely ridiculous final scene where we see him frozen) was a much less final and impactful death than that of the boiler exploding. With the explosion, his body was destroyed, and so the ‘manager’ of the Overlook was destroyed (the ghost/demon). It was a finale; the evil perished, the good guys got away, and everything was right in the world. With the freezing, it was much less final, and much less satisfying.
Objectively, if you separate the book from the movie, the movie wasn’t terrible. I did like it, and I had a lot of fun watching it. But as an adaptation, I found it VERY lacking. I can understand why King hates it so much.
#long post#very long post#film review#kind of#film analysis#book analysis#the shining#stephen king#jack torrance#wendy torrance#danny torrance#dick hallorann#opinion post#I’ve been thinking about this all day#the book was absolutely incredible and it’s now one of my favorite books#I couldn’t put it down#I would analyze Carrie 1976 next but I don’t have the energy#its 12am so#maybe tomorrow#the shining 1980#I also don’t like how they never used the quote ‘this inhuman place makes human monsters’#like that was such a bomb ass quote I loved it#instead they did the whole ‘all work no play’ thing which was weird af#didn’t like that at all#I do appreciate how Jack put the sentence into a proper play format tho lol#he was losing his mind but by god was he gonna follow correct formatting
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Fics that I’m dying to write:
Steve In The Upside Down (so many variations)
Steve getting shot by Nancy in S1 (might also connect to Steve being dragged into the Upside Down) How Will that turn out? What are the consequences? How does this affect everyone? It was only supposed to be a warning shot…
Steve befriending a Demodog. It somehow disconnected from the Hivemind or was created as defect, hence the other monsters turn on it. But Steve saves it and in turn they both bond.
Steve has Powers (I’m already writing and continuing my first fic. But I want more different powers for him)
Steve’s powers being more physical and more practical. Maybe even adaptable and willing to change. Especially under pressure. Kinda like how El can fight off 001 in their minds and Steve can finish him off by destroying his physical body too.
Richard Harrington and Steve both flee to escape the abuse from Richard’s wife, Steve’s Mother and find themselves at Forest Hills Trailer Park. Before S1 maybe?? Eddie and Wayne notice their new neighbours and their story starts from there.
Hannibal Inspired fic but I’ve never seen the show. Only like, the premise and insane amount of Hannigram. Except, Henry/001/Vecna was stolen, taken under Brenner, a mad-man who believes that Cannibalism is the key to knowing all and the human condition. 001 was passed the torch to continue Brenner’s experiments and quest. So, he tries to find his first victim. First it was El, but then she escaped. His first attempt and failure, but he succeeds with capturing Steve. But then no matter how hard he tries, Steve never breaks, so he sets out to find a more younger impressionable youth; enter Will Byers. Steve stays and tries to keep Will alive and sane. Will they escape? Will they be brainwashed like how Brenner did to Henry? Will El find others to help them escape? Will they actually find the key from consuming human flesh? Is that Jason fucking Carver and why does he have Chrissy Cunningham and Eddie Munson tied up? Steve feels like everything is going to shit. Now he has more people to save before they become the next main course. Hehehehehe—
Steve actually being Dmitri’s son. Steve was taken as a baby and sent across to the USA, Dmitri hoping to give him a better shot at life rather than to stay in Russia. Can you imagine in S4 when Dmitri follows Hopper back to Hawkins that he’s reunified with his son?
Everyone besides Steve is a Vampire and Steve is the last werewolf. Humans have hunted down Werewolves for centuries and the numbers have dwindled down severely, right down to almost extinction. Vampires are more adaptable and find it easy to survive in plain sight. The Party and everyone in their Coven have found sanctuary in Hawkins and for years, things have been normal. But then a new scent and sunshine of a boy comes along with it (after S1) — but his timing is seemingly the worst because now he’s facing off Demodogs as a giant wolf and no one knows who he truly is unless he shifted back as a human. In S1, he missed out on the excitement but he got to know and become close to everyone. But then in S2, he is faced with the existence of The Upside Down and vein revealed that his friends and found-family are in fact Vampires. Oh and Vecna is a boomer elder-vampire. Everyone in The Party does not know ANYTHING about Werewolves and so, they learn a lot from Steve when they finally know about him and vice versa. ;))
Another Werewolf Steve AU but this time, he’s hurt, while hunting in his wolf form, he was caught in a bear trap and found by Wayne. Inspired by How To Train Your Dragon scene, Wayne was about to mercifully kill the wolf, but looked into his eyes and saw himself. So he instead took it upon himself and take the wolf back and nurse it back to health. Eddie of course has no idea what his Uncle is hiding until he finds out and freaks out. But finds himself enamoured by the wolf too. Steve is so fucked because he needs to shift back soon, his body itches and the need to be human again nawed at his entire being.
Kali introduces the Punk Culture to Steve. They have a sibling pond and Steve loves his new self. Kali dyes his hair, shaves it a little on the side/s and helps picks out clothes and everything. The whole gang also educated him of the history, iconic figures and music. Just, Punk Steve means a lot to me. You can also imagine him and El bonding about it too. “Bitching.” Eddie is head over heels. Wait, is that a bloody hanky in his pants right back pocket?
I will expand on these later and separately. But these fic ideas have been in my brain and I can’t write them out because I already have two fics to focus on. So ah, thank you for letting me get this off my mind and into the world. 💜🪻
#steddie#stranger things#my fics#fics#fanfic#fanfics#writing#writers on tumblr#ao3 fanfic#ao3 writer#writing prompts#story ideas
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I’ve written a few fics about Czerny now, and at least one specifically around the idea of him being autistic. I received a lovely comment where a reader was interested in the idea and was curious about textual evidence, and seeing as others have written in-depth posts about autism headcanons...well, I decided to do the same, and to post it here instead of in a long rambly comment-response!
So without further ado...some headcanons on Czerny, how he could be read as autistic, and how this influences his character, under the readmore. Light spoilers for Lingering Echoes, Ebenholz’s operator record, and Czerny’s trust files are included for those who haven’t read. (And for those who don’t want to read: enjoy this art from his creator!)
I didn’t set out to headcanon Czerny as autistic when I first read him, I swear. However, as I read through his dialogue and operator files, as well as overanalyzing some of his design choices, I realized that an argument could at least be made for him having a Sensory Processing Disorder (something that runs in my own German/Swiss-Austrian family). Thus, let's start with some of those points:
Stimming. He outright states this one in a trust dialogue: "My hair, well...I often unconsciously grab at it while composing, if that explains its current unruliness".
Speaking of hair: in both his official art and all the art by his creator, he always has his hair braided directly above his ears. The outfit, collar, and even his eyewear changes, but that element of his hair remains. Wouldn't it make sense if he's overly sensitive to his ears being touched by stray hairs, so he takes extra pain to maintain those braids?
Issues with food. There are repeated comments about Czerny not eating when he's in the throes of composing, which at first glance I took for hyperfocusing on his work. He's also the most wary of Hibiscus's cooking in Lingering Echoes, which is clearly meant to be played for laughs regarding her cooking. However, I also read it as someone who's used to having his food a very particular way, and when the food is changed up or replaced entirely, adapting to new textures and flavors can be difficult.
It makes sense that Czerny would take special care of his hands, and this comes up in a lot of dialogue. The medics even comment that he'll panic if he has "so much as a hangnail". But if he's sensitive to touch and texture, AND he takes extra care over his hands, an overblown reaction like that would make sense.
Now, as I was reading into his files and dialogue for these points (as well as other fic research), I was struck by a few other elements.
One is his blunt, honest manner. Both in-universe and as noted by fans, Czerny can be a harsh but fair critic. He himself states that "Any charm or taste I may have had has been poured entirely into my compositions." For the most part, he doesn't concern himself with pleasantries or making nice; if he has an opinion, he'll state it. But he's not one to lie, and even espouses the importance of earnestness to Ebenholz during Lingering Echoes.
Despite this though, Czerny does have to hide a lot of his own emotions in order to deal with his circumstances, at least in Lingering Echoes. He has to bow to Nobles and their whims despite his loathing for them, and there are numerous points where he holds himself back from voicing his opinions in public. He also identifies himself as a coward, and has multiple dialogue lines denoting his own fear. "I'm terrified, Doctor. Always have been."
Looking at these elements together, I'm under the impression that this man has learned to mask a lot in order to survive. And when under the constant pressure of not only poverty and illness but also supporting an entire community? No wonder he’s considered tempermental.
The only times he seems able to truly express himself is through his music (note how he emphasizes the importance of emotion in music during his 2-star clear line) and in battle, where he goes from polite to screaming at his enemies. We also have the note in an operator file from a professor that Morgen und Abend was one of the few glimpses through his "iron body". And there are multiple times in both files and dialogues where it’s noted that he’ll refuse to budge from his desk until a composition is complete...that moment, perhaps, when he finally figures out the feelings in his heart and how to express all the things his words fail to convey.
Music is how Czerny expresses himself, though one should also note that empathy for others is also important both in and out of music. After all, he corrects Ebenholz that Morgen und Abend wasn't written from his own grief, but out of indignation for how she suffered. He gives up the rights to his music in order to save the people of the Afterglow during the events of Lingering Echoes. Hell, even in Ebenholz's Operator Record, Czerny is touched that Ebenholz is the one defying orders and performing for the Afterglow's residents, but also begs him to stop in order to keep him safe. He loves music, true, but he loves people even more, and he cares so damn much he’ll repeatedly put his life on the line for them.
So, whether or not it was intended by anyone who worked on his character, Czerny reads to me as autistic. Passionate about what he loves, keyed into the feelings of others while having notable difficulties with conveying his own emotions outside of music, and processing the world a little differently from those around him. And I think that’s all key to not only how he creates his music, but how he connects with others, and how he’s learning to move on in a world so much bigger and stranger than where he grew up.
And even if he's still figuring out how to balance the new and familiar...even if he's scared of it at all times...Czerny keeps going anyway. He helps others with music and arts. He expands upon his own skills, even developing new hobbies in habits. Hell, he even gets a motorcycle to go exploring across “those faraway lands roaring through Czerny's mind without abate.” He's going to be okay.
(And watching Czerny be brave and move forward in the face of so much change...well, it inspires me to bravery too.)
Well, those are my thoughts with evidence on the matter, and I’m sure I'll pick up more when I do a full reread of Lingering Echoes. In the meantime, feel free to share your thoughts, and I hope you enjoyed reading!
(and have some more creator-art because I am incredibly gay for this image okay byeeee)
#arknights#arknights czerny#bedlam rambles#arknights headcanons#autism headcanon#bedlam essay#arknights essay
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▪︎MONGRANG X JAHA▪︎
- Return of the Crazy Demon-
-Dystopian Post Apocalyptic Wasteland Edition-
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Warning: murders, call of duty ass battles, survival, and genuine tension of one's safety, and slight relationship break, clashes against one's forces, delicious angst, flirting, kinda slow burn.
(Got the idea from a same ambience I listened to while I fell asleep)
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the society is broken and in danger of extinction all in one day, only one incident or the decision of a person can cost the systematic lives of a million people like Adam and eve as the first humans on the earth to make a decision full of hungry greed to cost most of humanity's flaws and suffering.
supplies and water are scarcely limited, the air is radioactive and toxic to the human body enough to make you wheeze and cough all the way to death due to minutes of being in that environment without the use of a important gas mask, societal changes is something most can't handle or survive, some can adapt right in and some can't live without their families or friends in a society in which trust and love is a gambling dice roll. Win some or you lose some, die to a gunshot to the chest, or devote your life in survival and love to the ones you hold dear. But these two individuals adapted from the moment humanity had depopulated and lived in danger constantly.
mongrang and jaha were two mafia company assassins. each of them are skilled gunslingers, mastery of hand to hand combat, and survival expertise. their companies were enemies, two sides of the same coin, waging war is something they did for years and years until one had to win both the battle and the war.
jaha is much more skilled in combat due to his brute strength, while mongrang matches him in strength but can't match up to his reflexes, one time: jaha actually took down a enemy mafia marriage in the middle of a wedding venue, he broke in, decimated every single one of the groom's bodyguards and murdered them both. taking a sip of their raspberry wine before the last one was brutally mutilated with his bare hands. while mongrang was at a sex club, at his usual personality, and was attracted to a beautiful big booty woman. He stared at them in his disguise before he did his job. killing the leader like he's only a pebble, a pawn, an ant, and a sex driven vile man only capable of seeing pussy and fucking bitches onto his sheets that been washed over and over by how much bodily pleasure essence had spilled over and over like a broken record.
before society changed, life was always controlled by someone or something no matter how free we were or how safe we were from the dangers of the higher-ups, the richer class whom only see the pebbles like us as disposable, only as a peice of trash that's thrown in the garbage, it's always the same. we live by processed food and snacks while they live off ingredients and gourmet foods made by the freshest meats and vegetables. unfair, truly unfair. no matter what. we are always controlled, and we fans of the wealthy do nothing to stop it.
dystopia isn't just a fictional concept in a book or a concept art in a fictional universe made by a intellectual but it's real life, and it's a business tactic, it's a way to earn more money out of control out of the innocent, its dangerous, addictively captivating to the powerful, destructive, and risky. the one key to the end of society just by the cause of greed and a hunger for power. The mere flavor and taste of power to those bastards is like the most delicious dessert in the entire world to them that they never tried in a lifetime, the one key named the "world ender" unlock the door to see a lifetime of money and achievement by the idea of never caring about the people you control, and then..
Every action is your fault. The door shuts, and everything collapses, leaving a handful of survivors to figure out the new age of life.
bunkers are valuable on all fronts, can not be disposed of, and can murder someone to get one in a world either if it's killed or be killed, pick one to end your life or continue this worthless chapter.
Jaha had a bunker at the deep bottom of the mountain outside of the city, his home, and where his companions like hongshin and seongtae can hang out, laugh, and play cards during these tough times, they got a whole stack of food, cans of food and soup, and medical supplies just in case,
mongrang has a home at the top of the abandoned ceo company.
right in one of the conference room where his home resides in.
Stacks of food as a stolen large desk, a pink shelf out of a teenage girl's room. a hand-made mattress, some entertainment such as chess and darts. very lonely environment in the dark brown and black radioactive peppered sky with the windows shut and the doors closed. He sighed as he basked in the dangerous beauty of an apocalypse, basking in the old and grimy flavor of 2000s year old vegetable soup as it fills the tongue with its old nourishing flavor of metal, tomatoes, beets, carrots, and potatoes.
the sounds of footsteps was behind him in the depths of the dark office halls.
a unknown hand that looks like a woman slipped a note under mongrang's door, a stamp of a death mask on it, a warning sight of mongrang's remaining and surviving mafia company owners to continue to kill and kill during these hard times, the constant drama of these forces are like two sisters in a big family fighting over the TV remote to watch either frozen or Shrek. the decision has to be one.
he picked it up in confusion, looked at the halls to see who this individual was but she or he...was gone like a flash of lightning in a dark stormy night, the letter was met with red paint signifying the lust for blood as the cursive went from up to down to all the details of the mission he's about to be assigned to it, it struck him curious for the reward of completion. is it money? is it hot girls from the wild who have been fished out of the dangers of the city to become a hot badass? is it an immense amount of food and water? the mention of jaha's mafia company at the bottom of the paper made it much more irritatingly difficult for the path to completion at the finish line for reward.
"he might be there." he thought over and over.
he ripped the papers to tiny pieces on the dirty floor, making mental notes of the job.
Going to the next door office where his weaponry supplement is.
Pump shotgun, a assault rifle, sniper, revolver, machine gun, smg, knife, blade, sitting there like a snack, picked out like an obedient weapon to use, his hands grasped the tip of both the blade made by the blacksmith: sword demon of his company headquarters and a ordinary sniper.
two of them latched onto his back as his gas mask covered his entire face.
the halls were dark and dirty as he left his small home.
black mold growing on the walls, plantation taking in effect at the first floor building.
he dropped down to the elevator by foot with no damage. legs not even broken like infinite level durability. the main lobby was ruined, stacks of paper on the floor, furniture ripped up into peices, dead bodies on the floor. they look new like someone had been here before, pink mold, and a deadly scent of decomposition and rotting intestinal organs, covering his nose in the horrible odor, his blade ready to strike at anybody just in case. makes him wonder if the ignorance of humanity is our downfall to a catastrophic event such as this to decimate a million people out of authority and control for others. he walked into the deserted war and murder infested streets, abandoned cars, every building in ruin except for the company called "home." Nobody was alive or out there yelling for help in the radioactive mist.
The memory was vast. He can recall it happening before all this apocalyptic chaos began, people screaming in terror, shots fired into the flesh of the innocent, everyone hiding, trembling, trying to figure out what's going on by relying on this dystopia government as the key to fix everything that's happening but no. the complete opposite. it opened the door to oblivion to half of the undeserving-of-death human souls in these used-to-be-active with joy streets, and now it's all gone like a blink of an eye waking up from a nostalgic dream and seeing the nightmare before you. the memory had him stand, staring into the toxic mist, staring into nothingness as the memories continued to flicker.
the government's false salvation in protecting their people, the mindless and brainwashed trust of those who believe their mouths full of lies directly on the TV, major alerts and emergencies across the city, and a witnessed murder of a reporter by a million people which tied to this chaos. it pains the heart of his soul, a man who used to be blinded by lust. Sir mongrang is now paralyzed with the harsh truth that comes before his eyes, accepting the horrible fate of those who been brainwashed.
hell or heaven. pick one for how much wrong you did in your life.
actually. you don't have a choice. your wrongdoings in this world are a setup for giving you immense eternal torture. the torture was the army, lit fire onto everybody for not abiding by the rule to praise these governors, thinking they are God but is only a rich and intelligent human pebble of trash loving the suffering and the mindless desperate praise of the brainwash they caused. it's all so sickening enough to make him throw up. but he held it in, like a barrage of emotions filling his throat and mind of someone he can and can't handle. it's like a poisonous fluid made to crush your heart into pieces out of the truth. but despite all of that...
the mission is more important than staring into space by the memories of that horrible doomsday. his footsteps echoed in the empty streets, the sound of gunshots in the air, mongrang's sniper in his hand. The mission area will soon commence the abundant masquerade of endless murder and mutilation of each other. it's an abandoned neighborhood with a couple of survivors that doesn't have long yet to live. The neighborhood is initially used as a battleground for our wars and our deathmatches, usually being active for its normality in catching bodies. It's miles and miles away. a long walk back to his home and a long walk to the battleground where his enemy fights and killed in such a blood spreading Japanese dance with a storyline only for destorying his enemies, a paradoxical intricate well written hand made storyline by a individual possessed with a emotion called "madness" so very amusing..
The mile felt agonizing, like it took a million years. Step by step to this worthless mission, the only purpose of completion is the reward out of it. But it comes to realization that not everything you do requires a reward at the end of it. The way of life is such a well written type of book in the minds of all of the population of humanity on earth, like an archive of lessons to follow if you want to survive and life. read every single document and note, and then you'll get your wish forward to the depths of what it's like to win. Surely, the cost of living is the most valuable out of any item in the world.
he finally arrived. His enemy company had already arrived to cause the most havoc out of anybody, and each of them had a japanese word spelled "death" on the top of their gas masks, mongrang broke into a small apartment building northwest near the area, stepped up to see a broken window and pointed his sniper to the targets ahead. the guns already blitze ablaze in the mist, reloading with each proficient shot, spilling the blood out of a caught body. the mist makes it harder to see, mongrang caught 8 bodies in the midst of their company wars, one individual in the ferocious, destructive battleground moved like a navy aircraft mastering sonic boom, moved like a agile snake. mongrang aimed his sniper at this individual, widening his eye in shock to see 5 of his company men get killed with ease.
The last enemy was at ground, hiding behind a car to hit his shot against this individual, mongrang went back to the first floor building to switch to his assault rifle. This individual sped fast, knowing both of them are in the vicinity. he lit bullets onto them, dropping death.
one survivor of his company stepped back in horror.
this individual's blade raised up to strike, He lunged forward and counter-attacked with his sniper, asking the survivor to run away. And so they did, leaving them both to scrape their weapons against each other with a surge of strength. the full appearance of this unknown specimen is none other than his worst enemy, the one who put laxatives in his beer at a bar before this apocalypse began, the one who embarrassed him all over social media by taking photos of his shit covered white pants, the one and only jaha Lee. he sheathed his blade out of his sniper. beyond the gas mask sees a face of recognition.
"the...sex demon?"
"It's me, so what? You put some of my company men down to slush. I never expected you to be this powerful during this apocalypse. did you train extra to try and get a little sick pleasure out of killing my men?"
" ..."
the silence remains crushing between the two of them.
"Sick pleasure? I'm doing my job to survive. what are you doing? huddling in an abandoned company building. while you seem to be so against me. how about you kill me and end this self-righteous conflict once and for all?"
he has always been the one to make crazy decisions, but seriously?
"Are you serious-"
"Do it if you're so desperate to live without a homicidal maniac like me to hunt you down like wolve towards its prey. That's what you think of me, right? just a psychopathic usurper?"
"I didn't ask to kill you. I wanted the job done as much as you do. walking here is a bitch."
"Ok. if you want to survive. Then better do what you're told to do. not act out of recklessness and greediness out of a reward for sniping many of my men."
This man is telling me stuff i already know.
"How did you know that?"
"mongrang, pay attention to the speed of your shots. You were too quick with one man after another. That tells me you wanted the job to be done as quickly as possible. Fire your shots carefully like it's a piece of art on a board ready to be shown at a competition. Not just do it because you want to go back home to your big booty woman pictures."
"so what...?"
"Train a little more. we're both powerful and highly dangerous individuals in this ruined, cannot-be-rebuilt society. I expect you to be as equally powerful as me in combat but it looks like I was wrong."
I pointed my finger to his chest as my voice has hints of irriation behind my gas mask.
"wrong? Oh so you think your better than me?"
"arrogance and narcissism is weakness. I didn't say I was better. I expect more of a challenge between you and me, mongrang. take that as you will. the dangers of the world is the definition of change in a person. For example. a girl I know. her name is hongshin. a bubbly cat-like personality before the apocalypse came and purged us all like a bunch of ants to gasoline and fire to a person who really HATES bugs. after the apocalypse set the society to a life of kill or be killed, she's much more serious and has the need to steal things if any food store is available in this destroyed city, like a monster in combat because she would rather brutalize her enemies with proficiency and in a solid motion than rather stick to aggressive uneven combat. she's an example of you. arrogant and cocky. but grew out of it over time. you haven't. suck it up."
he turned his back away from me, keeping his blood oozing blade at his hand as his words struck me like a slap to the face.
He disappeared into the brown mist. I can't deny it. It's the truth, but I want to deny every word since this bastard basically judged the way I shoot. I didn't fill my mind about it since that's the last thing I need to be worried about. I'm starving. I looked at the grocery store, but half of the food was probably mold and covered in disgusting flies, maggots, and a whole bunch of shit. I decided "ahh fuck it" and headed towards it.
the doors were shut, but some of the windows were broken enough for me to climb inside. the smell is horrible, like an odor of someone's shit molding in the toilet after they been shot in the middle of doomsday. I heard some voices in the back of the shelves.
it's jaha but with a woman. is that the woman he mentioned before? Hongshin? either way.. I need a casket or a bag to fit all of my items. just in case. the cans of food in the aisle are fresh, with tomato soup, vegetable soup, clam chowder, cheesy macaroni soup, chef boyardee, cups of Ramen and macaroni but sadly electricity in this city is out, gone like a broken barbie audio doll. I take all the remaining items and put them into my basket. I see some chocolates and chips on the floor at some of the other aisles, I taken one basket out of the floor to fill up more of my food stocks, the bags of chips were poured onto my basket like a waterfall. one basket full of nourishing, filling food, and one was just processed snacks. I think that's all for now. I don't have to pay for it, which is a good thing. I head out back to my "home," but it's only an abandoned company owned by a ceo from the death.
I keep seeing ghosts and spooky paranormal sightings every time I find the bathroom or go down to the basement to take a shower since a lot of people must have die in the horrible doomsday set up by a egotistical mass murderer such as the mayor or the president controlled by this cryptic, vastly relying on the mouths of lies by the rich to save their butts by a army that might be used for pointing the assault rifles not to the main enemy but to us. it's like pouring acid onto your mouth as you're forced to feel every single inch of the burning pain at seeing how beautiful and stank the sin of lies are, especially when it's knowledgeable that it's a ordinary sin to commit. but you have to be skilled at it. that's how you deceive and manipulate.
I arrived at the company lobby, that same rotting corpse scent, continuing to purge my nose with its horrid odor every time I step in and step out. I make my way to the staircases. some of them are falling off their hinges, but he's all the way at the top. You might as well hereby declare the "Acrobatic Fanaticism" challenge! when he has to jump like a monkey to access the place he wants to access without losing the stuff he got, and it's truly successful, the challenge is complete. at the top level was a bin full of broken hearts at his front door.
he set his food baskets down to read the note at the side of the bin, taking off his gas mask.
it said, and I quoted:
"Thank you for completion! Your remarkable and formidable gunsmanship is always 10/ 10 when we come to analyze the bodies at the scene. as a reward for your hard work.. but before i say what it is. Your sniper shots hit them directly in the head. WOW! thats not anything special by the way.~ just so im clear, here is fresh bread and woman soap bars, big booty magazines and pictures of old 1990s models and some money to help yourself to our blacksmith/ our weaponry shop all the way at the company and a legal contract displaying your existence as being a pawn to us. Have a great apocalyptic day!
-Signed Sournan Mafia Company Maiden-
utterly despising, the gift is pretty solid since those bastards don't give me what I need to survive. what I'm the most mad about this entire gift is the no DEODORANT. Don't want to smell like sweaty balls and old blood at the time. but...this really is the best they can give me. in this day and age when survival is key and murder is a must. I must be grateful for the things I get. I set my baskets down to place them at my food shelves and the chips all in the corner for me to eat as a midnight snack. I changed into my usual clothes to get ready for tomorrow because these fuckers love overworking the hell out of me. I lay down in the mattress.
taking my mind off everything that's been going on. I been thinking about what jaha said before the mission came to a close, on repeat and repeat for the last 5 minutes of laying in this poorly constructed mattress out of killing sheep and taking their fuzzy adorable skin to worth my while to actually sleep comfortably than rather sleep on this dirty office floor. it's minecraft people. Enough jokes. his words are cutting me like a knife. I was too focused on this piece of shit of a reward that I hit my shots too quickly, and now he's mad. it's like...he predicted the moment i rushed into that battleground to get the job done only to come to the most out of pocket shit known to mankind.
I can't stand him. That crazy bastard is known for never making sense because his madness is controlling him like a day to day ordinary virus, but he's philosophical and intelligent at the same time, ruthless and monstrous in war like a calculated formidable and territorial creature out to seek their prey, his words keep cutting me like getting your throat slit open over and over and still isn't dead yet but you forgot your immortal. he wants.. a challenge from me. instead of being the sloppy uncultured and untalented combatants that he hates with every fiber. to be a real opponent to him instead of beating the life out of my men. like it's opening a doorway to the truest of rivalry between us. I admire his boldness and his determination to seek a challenge beyond the depths of this poisonous, deadly mist.
I imagine both of us fighting like dogs in the middle of the street, slicing the meat off each other's bones, leaving bruises and open wounds on each single part, squirting out oozes of blood out of our constantly gushing human body as we fight for our individual territories upon this empty land, pointless conflict and illusion to claim and never receive out of violence or misery of others since that's all we know how to do, the conflict between me and him is like a seeping hatred, a tedious concept of both of us in a freezing ocean-shore, protecting the ones we hold dear as we're both in agony, in conviction, and in unease of our motives to either kill or spare. All so tiring in a society full of fight and kill.
either it ends forever by your decision, or it dont.
I stare at my hand conflicted, questioning the concept of "conflict." Is it a virus? Is it addictive? Is it natural for humans to be so against each other as if we all aren't the same? is it built just for one's own demise in self-destruction? is it systematic? Is it any truth as to why conflict is such a necessary motivation to accomplish with each other? this all points to jaha. all of this pent-up confusion about the existence of wars and endless suffering of humans.. points directly to his face beyond that insufferable gas mask. This can't be on my mind for the entirety of the night since it can drive you crazy by unanswered questions.
my eyes slowly fluttered close, entering the dreamworld. the VHS tape of the mind that creates homemade movies for you to pass them time, some of them may be weird, confusing, or possibly alerting. some of them may kill you or terrify you for the future ahead. Keep it mind as you will.
The next morning.
the appalling murky toxic mist made its rise, fluttering my eyes open to the scene of that same apocalyptic abandoned, purged city. my brown hair is unsightly, uneven, and too knotty to be brushed. I reached an old scrunchy in the corner and tied my hair. I was brushing the dirt off my face before I saw another letter at my door.
Picking it up to see what my next mission is for today. it quoted:
"Target an enemy crime group northwest of the city ruins. their influence upon our headquarters is mass murder, theft, assassination attempt at our boss, and hate crimes by putting up a war flag on our front doors, including some broken windows and injury battered ragdolls replicating us. deal with them asap but with that same accurate precision. Your reward is pre-determined by the time you get there to kill those fuckers. Our enemy will interfere with the mission as well so don't fuck up mongrang. Counting on you to stay alive."
-Sign Sword Demon- Number 1 Sword wielding badass."
Sword demon? He doesn't write letters, so if he's writing to me about this, then this has to be serious.
I slammed the note onto the floor to put my bulletproof bodysuit on with a menacing fur coat. I decided to use my blade for today instead of using my guns to kill. I slid my hands to its metal depths, cradling the handle and admiring it as a whole. to see how many bodies I would catch by sticking it inside the target's flesh. I'll bring extra knives to ensure more pain, hear their shrill screaming of pain, and hear their agonizing groans and shouts of pure affliction by my hand. it's euphoric. As I ponder out of my ways to think of eliminating the enemies off the face of the earth.
I still need to focus. My gas mask was hanging at the side of my food shelf. I tied it all around the back of my neck to put it on. Usually, the concept of gas masks is supposed to protect you from any kind of radiation, but the way they designed it is so uncomfortable. I try to get used to it every time I wear it to go back to the grocery store or to find handy items to use for my own personal benefits. Either way, it doesn't matter.
I walk out into the halls, quiet and deserted. No human life in plain sight.
landed down to the main lobby out of the elevator successfully. I see more bodies than usual in the lobby. I don't even know who's doing this.
I forgot to say something about this company. Before the end of the world came into motion. some snobby ceo installed an underground bunker to stock drugs and other illegal material, items, and junk to make more of that rich finances. Unfortunately, the government shut down their deeds, forcing them to throw all the illegal substances into the deep black numbing ocean. The company ceo itself got assassinated by some russians as a missionary determination to get that money out of their safe or pockets. so after all of these unnecessarily morbid dramatizations. some intelligent vegetarians who took pride in farming took the company to be a food production system. That same basement may be discovered soon enough if it's people out there with the intent to take it all for themselves, such a rare specimen in a apocalypse is one to be fought for no matter what. I haven't found where it is yet, but maybe that's the reason why people keep coming here but ended up dropping deceased by something or someone.
nevertheless. this must be done. He said northwest, right? I sprinted all the way to the location. but wait.. if the enemy is going to interfere, then does that mean help? who is the enemy? Is it jaha? Is it hongshin? unanswered questions have enough raw potential to put me in a mental asylum for a week or more.
I finally appeared at the side of a broken debris to hide. the crime group was inside. smoking cigarettes and eating microwaved hot pockets as their gaurds observed every part of the city in their gaze, I proceeded with caution, hiding behind rocks closest to their hang out, My initial question is: "How do they have electricity? every spark of power in this city is disintegrated." Are they working for someone to keep this kind of stuff? as I overthink rapidly.
An entity bolts directly in front of the hideout and executes the gaurds effortless. it's HIM.
jaha. that reckless shithole-
the crime group shrieked their ambush. flinching me to look what's about to happen.
calling in a collection of men with multiple hand-held nukes, machine guns, and poison bombs. they all pointed it at jaha, ready to launch their assault on the mad demon.
it all lit fire, I watch as jaha evade and evade each of them to get closer to the targets ahead. Once he's looming over them like a blood driven predator, raising his blade and piercing each of them with a ticket to the afterlife, releasing a bloodcurdling scream as he continues to handle them like a bitter inhumane entity. some of them were still alive, so I decided to take a chance to catch a body. But something else happened.
I noticed a tank behind me.
the leader of the crime group is inside the tank as I hear a cruel laughter out of its hole. he also noticed and yelled, "Watch out!"
I jumped out of the way. it's cannon is lighting bright red to fire bullets at both of us.
I didn't know what to do. Was I going to die? a human can get fucking crushed by the mere weight of a tank.
It fires all over me, bracing for my demise. but I felt hands onto my back and knees. this man saved me from its onslaught. but at the cost of jaha's arms and shoulders getting shot as he sprinted away like the flash. I witnessed his pain seeping out of his nochalant facade as he got far away from that thing by hiding inside of a small gas station.
"Hah..ngh.."
the sweat dripped off his forehead as he ripped off the gas mask.
"Are you ok..? I have a bit of experience in the medical profession. I can get the bullets of your system."
"Yeah.. hurry up and do it.. I got a job to do.."
"Sit right here.."
"Your lap..?"
he sighed in pain and vexation, hesitating.
"It's the only thing I can do. Don't be stubborn."
"Fine.."
he sat himself onto my lap, asking:
"How deep is the bullets..?"
"not...deep..you can..fish it out with ease.."
I rummage through my bag to take out a forceps bullet extractor and got it out of a medical store just for my own safety in getting shot by some delinquents, bandages, and patches to seal the wound closed.
as jaha's body tensed, ready for the pain in fishing out the bullets inside him. I reached into his flesh, searching for it. He winced and held his grunts of pain.
"How many bullets are in your arms?"
"3..or more.."
i found it, the metal bullet sliding out of his blood dribbling flesh as i patched it with some healing ointment. I threw it on the ground as I went to his other shoulder. has 2 shots on his shoulder and...don't know how many in his arms.
"Did it hit any fatal parts?"
"My arms..? no..it didn't.. I can move them..o-once you done..get this over with.."
the second bullet wasn't that hard to find. Throwing it on the floor once more, I applied the ointment and applied the patch.
"What's so important about yours, huh? do you have to eliminate the same crime group for a pre determined trashy reward?"
"Shut your mouth. do your NGH- job.."
sliding it out of his flesh out of his arm. I realized he has more than 3. he has 7.
"your such a reckless asshole. Why did you save me out of that shitty situation?"
"I felt like it.. had no reason.. you know this.."
"we're enemies. You should've let me die if you had the chance."
this is going to take all day. His wounds are already bleeding immensely as I try to find the bullet in his upper arm.
"die..? N-no no no no..I wasn't going to let you die by giving me a challenge first..gotta rival with the one you have.."
"Are you delirious by the bleeding?"
"I require a challenge. I won't let some bullshit..t-tank take you from me..I need you to prove my strength as not always being on top of the leaderboard..you match me.."
"I'm aware. Keep quiet. this is going to take long, so just enjoy the painful ride idiot."
I'm at the second bullet. But as I did. He passed out on me. Laying his head on my shoulder as I tried to render him conscious and he is, breathing in and out at a normal pace with exhausted eyeballs. Truly, two sides of the same coin, we both work under a company that doesn't care for our own mental health or our wellbeing. He mentioned that he needed a challenge, but.. does that mean he's sick of being tired of being a physically and spiritually powerful individual to level up to everybody instantly with no cheats? Well..the jade of heaven in him is a cheat code, but do I train to fulfill his boredem..? He's my enemy. This is odd. I continued tending to his wounds as I got 4 bullets out. I got 3 more left. This reckless dim-witted idiot.. always puts himself into trouble without a reason. I shouldn't complain since it's basically my fault that he got hurt.
I suddenly felt guilt. his affliction by my actions is something I needed to be paid for, but I can't just go ahead and leave the city ruins just to figure out what what we should do. the situation is vastly disordered, to say the least. If the entirety of the city ruins is out of power, then how or where did they get such a valuable piece of technology such as light. are they working for someone or something? Are they beings with malicious intent to plot the objective to decimate, not just my company but jaha's as well? is conflict between our collective groups, the only thing we need to do to assert power over each other when something is clearly wrong here.
I have no choice. I'm on my last bullet, and it's at his lower left arm. directly near his palm. as soon as I'm done.
I'm picking him up and getting him out of the city by foot. our companies are going to deem us as missing, thus enabling a search and rescue party out of our respective parts to plan in this doubtful war between a measly crime group with explosive weaponry more advanced than ours. right when I patched his wounds up, I lift him up to my shoulder, put on his and my gas mask and sprinted out of the scene before more catastrophic bloodshed occurs into the streets of the empty city ruins. I suddenly recall something i remembered sleeping 3 years ago. an empty beach with a haunted airbnb outside of the city.
that's my only conventional option to seek out of danger.
-Timeskip-
I set my stuff down on the dirty crimson slatted carpet after showering in that wasted space.
I collect a can of tomato soup and heat it up under the fire, boiling nicely as I continue to overthink about the possibility of another powerful threat looming over us criminal corporations well enough but why was we both chose to annihilate them? Why was we sent on the same mission at the same time to go after a bunch of low-life weaklings? It's a bunch of suspicions on this case that I can't even figure out the pieces yet to place it all for it to make sense. None of it makes ANY sense. Our way of making things work in this collapsing society is pretending like it's the 1700s when blacksmiths used to create their weapons with raw materials. or when we scavenge for leftover material from the city when we slowly ran out.
I don't know if it's the same case for jaha. Because the way he operates is an orchestration of predictability and danger drooling out of his person, so that means I can't tell what he's doing at all. but.. as I ate my tomato soup, he still hasn't awakened from his unconscious slumber, I kept an eye on him all the steps I took to get us to safety as soon as possible, the virtue of our well being is the only thing that matters.
as I stare at his slumber, his gas mask on the floor, patches all over his arms, and locks of black hair messy. I can not admit and admire anything about him since we're two sides of the same coin, the ying and the yang, the god and the devil so against each other out of a stupid reason for wage and slaughter all by the name of our horrible companies, every letter is get reminds me of a basic japanese work office as a 60 year old man. this is the embodiment of my company and his company as a two peice. it fills my stomach with dread and enraged anger that I'm basically controlled by those ungrateful bastard. that my existence can be disposable to them. it might come a day when my knives graze the flesh of jaha Lee. an enemy I do not want to kill.
I can grab my knife right here and stab him right here and right now, but I don't have the guts to do it. I can't do it. No matter how hard I try.. no matter how many times I was forced to kill a man like him, targeted for mass murder, and an master combatant, I could not seem to push past my boundaries screaming at me to kill him but I can. physically, can't. Even though i remain in hostility towards his presence.. i feel a lingering emotion inside me, unexplainable. It's just there.
stabbing my heart with something.- I held my chest with my eyes widening in this newfound emotion. I begun to-
I glance at him, stirring away as his body moves in motion. scruffing his hair as he surveyed the entire area to figure out where we're at. Blinking his eyes open and closed to properly see the scene of my dinner beyond the comforting fire with firey wood.
"where..did you take us..?"
"Old airbnb. I stayed in here years ago so I can give you the tour..it's really held up even as an abandoned house, no plantation, specks of black mold, still water and a odor. your welcome..-"
"What about our companies?"
I held a heated up can of soup to him. giving him a clean spoon as he lubed it up, smelling the delicious scent as he clearly looks hungry at the face of the boiling vegetable broth ready to be scavenged.
"Eat. You need your energy back."
"You still haven't answer my question?"
"They deemed us as missing. They held a rescue party at the both of us due to our status in never coming back to each of our individual company grounds at the scene of the attack. some homeless civilians who resigned from my company told me when I looked for wood..for some reason..the woman seemed..truamatized..almost broken by the past experiences of my company which is weird. so.. I'm starting to question everything."
"everything..?"
he took a long sip of the soup, pondering to my conflicted words.
" Yeah. why exactly were we both elected for a mission to kill a small criminal group? what was the point? how do they have any type of power? How do they have such high power weapons without any use of mechanical materials as their group hideout looks like shit. So I began to think of the possibilities that their hands on heavy weapons might be a problem, so what is going on..?"
" I might have some information about that.."
"You do?"
Jaha pointed one finger up at me to keep my mouth shut as he continued to eat like a food deprived glutton. But aye..he was asleep for hours so I can't blame him whatsoever.
"I overheard some of our top operators of intel talk about a plan to regain a position of power. To give purpose to the city by giving it civilization and power. I don't know much about the information to annihilate the crime group. But..it must be a coincidence."
"Huh.. I heard the same thing when I was getting a newly constructed blade... are we .. hearing the same thing?"
"Probably."
he distinguished the soup in an instant. Every inch of it is completely gone.
"Should we consider that as an initiative in mind or just keep it silent in general?"
"... silent. can't discover our position to discover their reasons for that. Even the most strongest has their reasons for their intentions. dark or not."
"How's your wounds?"
"Sore. but I can still fight."
"Ooh? one is bleeding on your shoulder. shit. I guess I didn't seal it right.."
"I'm fine."
I grab another one of these patches from my bag and went closer onto him, my body close to pressing against his as I lightly touched some of his metallic blood to see he didn't lose much.
he stayed silent most of the time, but I felt his heart pumping as I apply the new patch onto his shoulder.
"you good now."
"Is there a shower somewhere?"
"Yeah. Third door on the left. The patches are waterproof, so you don't need to worry about them falling off like children's stickers."
"Understood."
I watch as his locks fall down all the way to his back, leaving a black oasis of beauty, eyeballing it in smitten beauty. He shut the bathroom door, leaving me alone in the empty living room.
I continued to think about him as the rain of hot water started to echo out of the bathroom. like he gave me a curse, a fond purgatory of what's right and what's wrong in this wasted up relationship, two enemies who tried so hard to strategically plan each other's descent to hell by orders of the higher ups, but i feel infatuated, obsessed, in control of one's authority gleefully. but I can't. We can't. we're either forced to betray or hurt each other for the sake of our company's satisfied murder pact, their sick grins as we stick our blades and knives onto each other's fresh flesh. But I still can't do it.
I feel stuck, conflicted, and full of thoughts.
tied between the evil and uncaring nochalance of our companies by having their strongest men to fight each other over and over as they drink their most expensive wine, biting their cotton candy grapes and fresh fruit as they see our demise as their own sickening twisted entertainment. I'm worried jaha might know this, too. knows he might be also under authority but doesn't care and does his job like a mindless puppet. this has been his..- no. Our fate from the moment we agreed to their contract after analyzing our combat data for the application to apply for these companies. if we ever decided to disband our loyalty to these companies, then we'll be gunshot at a split of a second. as humans. Our safety is a top priority since our lives are to be cherished because we only live once after all.
But our lives is easily being taken advantage.
I can't stand for that devilish shit, but I can't do anything about it since my life is at their hands.
I heard him turn off the shower, getting dressed.
I continue to look at the bathroom door, having a brawl to this lingering obsession inside me, clawing its way outside my flesh as it begs to be let out of its cage. my problem is him. he's my enemy and my nemesis, but yet I feel no bloodlust for his death. I could've just latched onto his naked, muscular body and slit his throat, but something in me drove me not to do it, not to hurt him, not to do anything else to him other than to tend to his wounds and help him survive in this empty city reeking of no civilization.
I watch him open the door to new fresh smelling suits for battle, just in case. All in grey or black, he sat down near me in the middle of the vibrant fire, almost like he wanted to say something to me but couldn't spit it out. as he remained silent.
I gaze into his deep red eyes, glancing down at the burning fire, ambient and morbidly addictive for these deep eyes to glow at the ones who see him as a pawn, as a puppet, as a goody too shoes for never touching the innocent, and as a psychotic asshole. he's spacing out into the depths of the light red firey holes.
"jaha."
"What do you want?"
my blue eyes shine in the smooth ambient mood of the fire.
"It seemed like you wanted to say something to me. so say it. whatever it is. I will understand. no matter what-"
"Don't act like some kind of therapist"
"You sure as hell need one. You're usually so blunt. What's going on?"
he looked at the fire as he seemed shocked about his thought process in each of the situations. OUR situation.
"What if that same criminal group were out to kill us just for us to never figure out the truth, or they have the keys to the truth of their motives to regain power? surely the reasons why we were both sent on a mission to assassinate and end their group once and for all for a vast reason that's classified. we're seen as puppets. if we dig even a small paper full of words that can fulfill the peices to the puzzle then a bullet will be the end of us."
"Understood. but as enemies. this motive might cause us to go against each other like we always do, forcing us to kill the innocent as part of their plan. we don't even know what their plan is. or what they are trying to do while they succeed in gaining this position of power, but it isn't up to us. It's up to them. they are the ones in authority. It freaks me out. I know. either or.. we're strong enough to battle and win even the most toughest of this city physically."
I clip on my gas mask as he puts on his. He's quiet about my words, but I feel a sense of acknowledgment inside him, the gust of the feeling of empowerment and a lingering anger to be used as a pawn to many of these mafia company owning murderers who see the chaos as nothing but a circus for their own lively twisted joy.
I picked up my blade as he picked up his revolver, caressing the handle in a smooth motion.
"where are we going?" I ask.
"..to get a treat."
"WHERE- oh..nevermind. I know a large gas station nearby but why..? A treat?"
"Shhh.. I need one. I'm in the mood for smores. I never tried one before."
"While we're on the RUN?"
he walked to the middle of the street, gesturing me to follow him.
"Definitely."
"You're insane. why would you feel the need to eat some fucking smores in a apocalypse?"
"Hmm. Many people said it was delicious, so I decided to go get the ingredients and bite into one once we go back."
We see the large gas station in the misty horizon.
"You didn't bother to eat one before the apocalypse happened?"
"No. Dumb-ass."
we climbed into the window only to see a food stock at the side of the store like someone had been here to shelter for the rest of the week. and most of them are fresh at that. None of them were growing moldy from the looks of it.
"Why didn't I bother..it's heavenly in here."
"hm..let's see."
jaha ravages through the food stock to see fresh cans of chicken broth, cream of mushroom soup, garlic butter crackers, full bags of candies and treats, and pot pies.
Lastly was the smores he wanted to make. the marshmallows, the chocolate, the Graham crackers. All we need is a smooth fire to heal it up into a decadent appetizing treat, I watch him and our surroundings to make sure nobody recognizes our appearance only for us to turn us back to our respective individual head quarters.
"You got what you need?" I ask with caution.
"Yeah. while we have the free will to do what we want to do without some sons of bitches controlling our lives. I figured to eat something I haven't eaten before. while it lasts."
"...noble."
he stood up with the stuff, we climbed out the window to see that same empty street and gas station parking lot, nobody else is here but I have a strong gut feeling that something isn't right here.
"Put the stuff in my bag. take out your gun just in case."
"Alright."
he put every item in my bag and took out his gun.
"We can go. I just wanted to make sure we have protection."
"We can crush skulls. We'll be fine."
"Maybe YOU did. Not me."
our steps were like a path to dangerous unpredictability. You must always trust your gut, so I assume that someone or something may be watching us or assassinating us with the most stealth. we arrived in the airbnb with no problems except the sounds of wolfs howling and the toxic mist breezing aggressively across the burnt decayed trees.
"a-alright. Oh, the fire hasn't gone out yet." he spoke.
"You were tense throughout our entire walk back."
"And you weren't just telling me to whip out my gun for nobody?"
"Trust your gut. that's the reason why."
jaha rummaged into the stuff of my bag to get out of the stuff. me and him took off our gas masks.
"Understood. You want some?"
"...sure. i...haven't tried any too."
"..."
he opened all the packs for him to set up the smores, but first: heat up the marshmallows first.
"You decided to argue with me about getting smores in the middle of an apocalypse, but you haven't tried some TOO??"
"Yes. I apologize. I figured your curiosity in desserts is unnecessary in a situation like this. usually eating desserts in a post apocalyptic world is the last thing on our minds."
I watch as he heats up two marshmallows beneath the comforting, warm fire, basking in its withering breezing flaming tips beyond his red eyes as I wait beside the dirty couch for its oozing burnt goodness to seep out.
" it always good to explore things you never did before while it lasts. it's no smores in hell so."
"definitely is not. that fire can burn skeletons from beyond that hellish flames we're destined to arrive to, only to suffer..come on. we both do atrocities by killing thousands and doing mass destruction."
he set up the finishing product by combining the chocolate, the graham crackers, and the marshmallows all in two irresistible luscious treats.
"It's done. yours is right at the end of the table."
"hm.."
I pick it up with two of my palms to see the chocolate melting out of the heat of the marshmallow. I felt scared about the taste, but gotta do what you gotta do. I took a bite, my eyes widened at the taste, delicate burst of scrumptious combinations. I couldn't stop biting into it. it's a addictive explosive. it's apparently a socializing type of snack to make, but I don't think I care. This shit is good on it's own.
"The fuck mongrang." jaha stared at me.
"Sorry, I'm just... Korean BBQ is overrated enough, and i can understand that since it's quite delicious, this needs to be more popular. It's only used at camping events and crap."
"I give it.. 6/10."
"6..? Why?"
he took the last bite, licking the chocolate marks off his finger.
"Could be better if it's Carmel chocolate or chocolate with a richer flavor than others. Dark, white, raspberry, and strawberry could go better with this."
"Agreed."
I kept watching him lick the last of the chocolate off his fingers like an incompetent, inconsiderate pervert. Some part of me is screaming at my desires to tell him to suck me off, but I kept forgetting he's my enemy, the one with hidden intentions about me. and that's dangerous.
"We both have a long day tomorrow. so you might as well rest. So do i."
"important day..?",
"We can't stay missing forever. we need to go back to our headquarters tomorrow which means..we have to go our separate ways."
"Oh..alright.."
he took one last look in his dark red eyes at me before turning around to lay down, drifting off to sleep with his back turned away from me, like none of our time together as enemies with a hint of friendship and trust is all for naught. the truth is.. I feel like my soul doesn't want to be separated from him. Something in me is wanting to be pulled back in him like a lusty seduction. hopefully, he'll express his gratitude for my help in tending to his wounds, giving him food, and spending time with him even if we have the malicious intent to kill each other.
I turn away from him, laying down at my side of the living room, watching the soaring, deep sea create soothing waves to fit the midnight ambiance or the full moon. Its immense neverending beauty pulls me deeper to a relaxing slumber, but all of this isn't enough to make me end the war between my aggravating conflicted thoughts about jaha. a enigmatic figure.
My enemy. I can't seem to stay away from. no matter how hard I try. I drowse to sleep.
It continues by the time our range of view flutter open to that same repetitive mist.
it's in the afternoon, me and jaha stealthily made our way back to our companies across the city ruins as our worries about that same criminal group are out to manslaughter many of us, we don't know if they'll show up in a corner and hit us with a deadly rain of bullets with that same FUCKING tank that nearly ended my life before this man saved me.
But we stopped on our tracks. Jaha stepped back as he stared at me but at this tension. his voice spoke in that stoicism.
"....thanks for saving me and taking care of me. I appreciate it. But..don't forget we're still enemies. two sides of the same coin, and two powerful individuals incapable of building friendship or kindness by our surge of bloodlust for each other, even as we're standing in the middle of this empty street right now. I still want to stab you for refusing to give a proper challenge. So the next time I see you again. be stronger, be more resilient, and have that growing determination to beat the shit out of me since I have acceptance in defeat."
"Hm. I do have a lot of bloodlust for your demise. But..for now. This isn't a proper goodbye. It's rather until next time we see each other ripping off flesh and breaking necks from the men of our own companies. I'll eventually fulfill your request to give you a challenge if I have time.~"
I felt a stinging pain in my person as he waited for more response from me. I...don't want him to go, I want to stay with him more, I want to see him more and figure him out his mysterious madness driven personality and personal life I know nothing about but I want to keep digging to find more about his unknown complexity I can't understand, but I can't and it's slowly tearing me apart. It's tearing me down agonizingly. I gulp up all my frustrations and inner pain to spit out more of my words.
"..until next time."
"Yes. sex demon."
I watch with my pain increasing to a dangerous point as he bolts out of my presence to go back to his company, and now.. he's gone. gone away from my life for a short while, long while, I don't know how long, but it's all for certain that our relationship is growing at a slow rate. In a good way, I feel like i understand a little bit about him even though his complexity and his unpredictability get people's minds boggled. It's best to hope for the best between me and him. even if our scum companies force us to break if it grows at a rapid pace. I blink my eyes open and closed to leech off the surging stress from my mind.
I walk back to my company grounds. noticed my guns aren't functioning correctly every time i get a shot, I open the main lobby doors to see some of my family members crafting their own specialty gun, eat, shit, or relax inside the depths of the building, I saw the sword demon inside the blacksmith, sparks of fire shaving off the blades he's creating.
"Master?"
"You're alive. Huh? I was beginning to think you had an early grave. what happened during the mission? Why were you missing?"
"..."
Should I bring up the situation between me and jaha or just lie to him and get myself killed? None of these options are safe.
"I-"
"If you lie to me, then I will whoop your stupid ass. I was worried for your safety. tell me what happened truthfully."
no way to get out of the situation, so I decided to tell him everything as he's fixing my blade.
"So..want the short version or the long version?"
"Long. Since I was initially your cause for most of your combative and gunslinger training. You shouldn't excuse yourself for backing out of a fight of what sort. my influence taught you to be precise and focused. So..what happened?"
"Promise you won't say anything about it to anyone?"
"Just say it."
I gulped up my anxiety to tell the entire story.
"Our enemy company, which is shiguan Company, sent their most formidable assassin to take down the criminal group we were also targeting for their crimes. So it's like a weird collaboration between our company and there's to take down the same measly group for whatever reason. jaha unfortunately got attacked by a tank led by the group, so we had to run away from whatever weaponry they held to kill us. I tended to his bullet wounds, fed, and took care of him in a random beach house airbnb. That's all."
"...a tank? But how? NONE of us aren't even close to gaining that type of firepower/ bullet power. And our scarce access to technology in this city is nothing but charging a phone or turning on a light. so how do they.."
the situation continues to be as annoying as a damn ill mannered child in a sugar rush in a little kid's birthday party that isn't there's to begin with, i can understand his frustrated confusion, bubbling into more thoughts and thoughts to their unknown, and dangerously mysterious access to that kind of exclusive high power products only the government or forces powerful enough to kill a thousand. Let alone have the willpower to possibly take over a corporation by endless, greed controlled bloodlust. I think that's the case but my explanation goes further than just a few words.
"isn't the case. They actually had technology. When we're talking technology, then it's phones, computers, laptops, and tracking devices. These people had working microwaves, lights, and all types of shit. I was even confused about how they obtain that when every single part of ours is just scarce, easily broken, and needed for consistent management and maintenance at all times in order to keep ourselves going."
"hm..interesting. and did you get any Intel out of your mission. same as...jaha?"
"No information about him. yet. But.."
my eyes looked down, living in a virtue between conflicted emotions about that man. Even if I should tell a beautiful lie to my master, i shouldn't.
"But what?"
"...nothing. what has our Intel team did in terms of the criminal group?"
"they got no important intel and information regarding their actions and wearabouts. The only thing we truly got out of those bastards is the consistent and vile mass murder of any remaining civilians in the city ruins. but.. I think we might have a lead to everything they have been given to be this powerful. that's what the boss said, but they haven't gotten anything yet."
"Any new missions today?"
he handed me a small note written in cursive, it's a SOS letter.
"Some woman with two children is southwest of the city ruins. I went to forge and searched for some metal around the streets there until I saw them in a parking lot, hungry and shivering in the cold with their gas masks ripped up into peices. I asked them if they're ok and if they needed anything.
They needed food and water. they were ravenous, ill, injuried, and terrifyingly parched. So.. I need you to go to a store and get them some food so that this apocalyptic chaos won't be the last thing to see before they reach their descent. she wrote this letter just in case. In the last thread of hope that anybody would save her from her and her children's cold and morbid misery."
I inspected the note. It wrote:
"My name is Lydia. my husband currently died a dreadful death, we ran and ran to a safe location until a tank came at our way towards safety. we tried to run, but the attacks were too much, as soon we looked back. He sacrificed himself for me by getting crushed by its weight, having his crimson liquid seep out its wheels. I never looked back at the horror. we luckily found an abandoned underground parking lot in the southwest. ever since he died so horribly. I cried and cried, my tears came out like an ocean at all the times my children went to sleep. If someone is out there, a good soul will end my pain. food and water are all I need. I will express my gratitude to you. please.."
"crushed? That goddamn.."
"Go ahead. I'll reward you for this instead of sex magazines."
"Hm."
I step out into the hallway, my hatred for this group growing more and growing like a blazing, enraged greek god, I flip back on my gas mask to leave the doors of the headquarters, banging open the doors out. how dare this group.. damaging jaha's body is enough already to make me burn up in internal fire, but murdering an innocent husband out of bloodlust? their motives continue to be a trivial dice roll in an adult board game. They either did it to spike fear and anger into us, or they did it for the love of descending in a normal human life. As I walk down the dark, dim streets of the afternoon misty depressing sky, mind racing with vengeance and sorrow for this woman's change in her life.
I see a small grocery store in the southwest. It's timid, small, and can only fit a minimum thousand items in there. But better take your chance, I walk in, the broken intercom start talking convoluted mess of my body motion. it's a whole bunch of junk in here, but it's mildly a jackpot in here. I take multiple plastic bags and fit every single food item in these. cans of soup, snacks, bars of soap and skincare, blankets, pillows, and portable mattresses. my hands are full with every single one of these items for this small family, as I walk out the door, unable to pick up my gun for self defense because of all these products, I felt bad for the family, at the husband, and at the unfortunate lives of the withered, lost, and barely subsisting human beings trying their diligence to find food and live for themselves. he mentioned an abandoned parking lot, right?
I heard raspy whimpering at the bottom of this one. it's the exact parking lot he mentioned.
I step down and down to see chaos. I look to the side of my eye to see a terrified woman with children fast asleep. The look in her eyes is terror.
"You're Lydia right?"
"y-yes.."
"Don't be afraid. I'm not a part of that vile, criminally psychotic group. I brought you a lot of food and supplies for survival. I got your note from my..company."
"Company..?"
her eyes widened in even more terror at the mere mention of my company. I think she knows who I am. her arm raised up in defense against me as I loomed over her with only a look of sympathy and understanding.
"...yes. I'm part of a mafia assassination company. I'm not your enemy. I came here to help you, to get you out of this continuous pain you're in. stuck in this city ruins with nobody and nothing. I brought you this stuff for a major reason. I sympathize with you and your children, this apocalyptic world we live in prevents them from growing up into normal lives. it isn't fair for selfish rich government ceos and presidential leaders to sacrifice a city for the sake of that cash. I want to help you. Let me help you..please? You don't have to be afraid."
I reach out to her, hoping she'll understand me. and she did. her hand was trembling of fear and the shivering cold.
"t-thank you."
"I brought you bars of soap, stacks of food and cans of soup, blankets, pillows, and portable mattresses. The instructions are in the back of the box, skincare, and snacks. I recommend remaining here for the time being so that danger doesn't lurk. but..for protection for you and your children. do you have training in gunsmanship?"
she huddled in the warmth of the blanket before answering my question.
"My father taught me how to shoot before he died from cancer. so I have a little experience."
I slid my revolver directly to her on the floor. with a bullet box fully in stock.
"Take it. Self-defense is key in this world now. in order to protect yourself and your children. This is what you need. There are enough bullets in there to kill multiple. Feel free to reload if you want. but the tactic is to do it quickly as possible so you aren't vulnerable to any position for the enemy to shoot you back. Understand?"
nodding frantically. She took it almost as if she's desperate to protect the only family she had left.
"You don't need to thank me.. the acts of sympathize and passion in saving another life in this world is nothing but a show for people to analyze your weaknesses. Remember that. You're strong enough to live for your kids after your husband died a horrible death. You're still living. and yes. That's good. Continue to live."
"Thank you..w-what is your name..?"
"Mongrang. make sure to-"
the loud footsteps from the halls came drastically in an unexpected remark. It sounds like 5 people are approaching the parking lot by aggression. I told the mother to hide behind the pillar before these five people busted in.
jaha got thrown back onto the floor, injuried in the arm before I could even mentally comprehend what's happening here. I watched as he held his bleeding arm.
"jaha!"
I look back to see the boss of my enemy mafia company.
"You."
Ignoring me in a rude manner, he held his knife up at jaha's chin, yelling and spitting angry nonsense directly at his stoic seriousness. he said nothing as he put pressure onto his wound to stop the bleeding.
"what the FUCK is wrong with you?! you went out with this sex crazed bitch without doing the mission I assigned you to do, protected him, and was gone for 2 days with the person we told you to kill over AND OVER! you should have let him die! the tank was nearly going to kill his stupid ass so why did you even - this is ridiculous."
jaha went closer to his face, not caring about the knife at all.
"Of course. I felt the need to protect him. why do you care if i die or not? The higher ups like yourself always treat their workers like a disposable pawn anyway. So I died right here, then what would you do? cry in sorrow or nonchalantly walk out like you rich fucks always do?"
"It was never intended to dissappear for two days with your nemesis. you were supposed to kill the criminal group. not eat smores with this porn magazine addicted fuck."
"hmph."
before he could spit some more, I held my pump shotgun directly behind his fat forehead, his men aimed their assault rifles at me to cease my violence. I scowled at his attitude.
"Maybe consider the inveitable suicide mission dealing with that group before you talk to your strongest assassin like this. you rich slobs always seem entitled to think your fragile control over anybody is getting them to submit to you. jaha is powerful, but he can't fight against a tank. that's the issue here."
"I wasn't talking to you."
"Face me."
as he did, he tried to stab my chest with his flimsy knife, but I caught his hand and twisted it, causing him to let out a groan of pain. his men still aimed at me.
"First of all. that group has some kind of secret organizations that get the most weaponry out of any company or production industry in this city, if we're able to reveal the secrets to their strengths, then this issue wouldn't escalate so badly would it? You know.. I almost seem bad for you. Are you really that unintelligent enough to blame it all on your strongest assassin because they don't have the infinite level durability enough to stand through a TANK? we were both going to die if he didn't act quickly. He saved my life."
"He should have let you die-"
"And if I died. would the bloodlust and bloodshed of our company's wars ever end? if I ever died, then you wouldn't stop to consider the drastic urgency of my own to wage war and destruction against you for murdering me? every time we fight. You get some sadistic kick out of it. Every time we fight. you want us to kill each other like a bunch of feral animals deprived of meat. You don't care about the safety of jaha. You only care about money. and you need a man worth dying for if it benefits your pockets."
no more words was said from his mouth, which means i was right about everything i just said to his face. utterly pathetic. usually when a person stops talking and all that remains is silence out of your words. one point for being intelligent enough to figure it out like a children's book, I glanced back at jaha to check if he's ok and his expression was a change to his usual demeanor. his eyes shined in astonishment and surprise at my declaration of my concern for his safety. openly stunned by my words of basically saying I care about his wellbeing. as I was only paying attention to jaha's unexpected demeanor. the man continues to have his emotional bursts of hellfire.
His reaction merely shows his closed-minded attitude, accusing me of being wrong about the entire thing as he doesn't care whether or not we die or go in this very parking lot. he barks like a feral inconsiderate dog as he issued his men to circle around me, pointing the tips of their assault rifles at the skin of my body. right as I'm immobilized is the correct moment for him to continue barking with a strong surge of stupidity.
"Your death is the main objective to giving us more of an advantage in this useless self righteous war, your marksmanship is incredible, your hand to hand combat is legendary and formidable, your speed matches that of a superhuman and yet you expect me to believe jaha did or didn't care about saving your life by thinking of how much your company rely so much onto your mere abilities!?"
"And yet you don't have the willpower to have your men obliterate my human body right here and right now to end your problems against me and my company. If you're so desperate for my demise, then do it."
before he snapped his fingers for the men to kill me, the men suddenly splattered blood from all over their bodies, and they had been sliced to peices. I glance back at jaha, and he's gone. he appeared right in front of me with his blade full of crimson liquid, his eyes open back up at his enraged mien. The thought of jaha killing his own forces drives him with the intent to take so many lives out of that same hatred.
"What the hell is going on with you? What is-"
"Shut the fuck up. you're driven with the intent to kill my/ our enemy by committing heinous crimes such as torture and rape by proxy, yes. but I CHOSE to save him. my only reason isn't for naught. Because I crave a challenge from him, to finally be seen as a person that can match up to my strengths instead of being supremely dangerous enough to never be beaten. and that's mongrang unintentionally. every since we looked at each other when our blades were at the tips of our fingers and our palms at our necks just because of someone else's sickening authority."
this pathetic excuse of a human being growled in irritability.
"You agreed to the contract to join my forces. It's no way to turn back. So I give you two choices. go ahead and kill mongrang right here or regret ever murdering my men by inflicting torture upon you back at the company. everything you have is gone. If you refuse to kill HIM, then it's your decision. But you'll regret it."
"You can't give me that "torture if that contract has an option to quit the company altogether. this had always been your issue. to throw away the ones you trust most by your own selfishness. "
he scoffed fowl as jaha ripped off his company ID card with his bare hands.
"...suit yourself."
he stepped out of the parking lot, leaving jaha, mongrang, and lydia to remain in the soundless, water dripping, dull, impassive parking lot.
"You actually did it."
"Was sick of dealing with his shit. knowing him, he'll probably try to bribe me back. I just gave him a disadvantage myself by quitting, better yet... might kill me or you."
"You ok?"
"Yeah..let's just go."
I pointed one finger to get him to stop walking, I handed lydia a location of the nearest gas stations and my home just in case she needed any leftover weapons for protection. revolver, pump, machine gun, assault rifle, smg, dual pistols. anything she wants, she'll get. I stood up and waved her goodbye. her smile was full of hope instead of that looming despair she had minutes ago. we stepped out of the parking lot and into the eerie empty street.
"You know..."
"What is it, jaha?"
"When you declared that you cared for me right in front of his face back there. I felt something weird inside me. like a bunch of butterflies or small miniature bombs exploding in my heart as soon as I heard your voice so full of devotion to taking care of me when we got attacked, your mouth wasn't full of disgusting lies, it was the beautiful truth, your mouth spilled the truth when I was expecting a sticky tongue full of beautiful, manipulative lies. unexpected of you as the sex demon to put devotion and diligence for your enemy's wellbeing."
my heart pulsed at the soft-spoken words of the mad demon.
"Of course. you saved me from descent. and now I have helped you out of pain. but.. unexpected of you. as a mass murderer. To speak such sentimental words. even as one person who would go lengths just to kill a person in the method you desire."
"accurate. But I'm sane enough to decide what's right and what's wrong poopypants."
"you...have nowhere else to go. Do you?"
he just realized by the look of his eyes. I grasped his wrist and pulled him closer to my face, full of concern about his safety.
"Fuck. my bunker.."
"Here. stay at my place for a little while. Don't try to argue with me because I'm not letting you roam the streets on your own. I'm very aware you're physically powerful, but I need no more truama from the tanks, ok?"
"Fine."
we stride back to my home with a crushing sense of voidless silence as we walk back. I went closer to his palm intentionally to collide mine with his as a sense of contentment in our growing relationship from enemies to possibly friends with benefits and boundaries needed to follow. His fingers hesitated at first to collaborate together with my heated fingers, I didn't expect him to approve of my actions since it's his choice and I would support him of any choice he makes, and so he did, he slowly grappled mine in a tight but soothing squeeze. his palm has a bit of hardness to it, and his knuckles feel like anicent unbreakable stones in a spooky medieval cave with such a terrible history, that just shows the length of his mere physical strength by just a slick slide of his bones.
we got back to my home, the rope to lift up to the highest floor is still available to use.
"come up here."
he followed me to go up, and the bottom dissipated into mere black darkness. I wonder how I live with constant danger at my back meat. Lifting myself up with ease, I catch jaha's hand to finally introduce him to my home in the top level, multiple offices are either my food supplement, weapon storage, clothing and self care or just sleep when the days of fighting is temporarily pushed back so I can relax and sleep all day in this apocalyptic world.
"this is it?"
"Mhm. where I bathe is the downstairs level which isnt far. the bathroom downstairs is in the third door on the left in the hallway."
"Thanks. I just need a shower.."
I almost spoke the words I didn't want to say to him, I wanted to say, "Can I shower with you?" But of course, he wouldn't approve. He disappeared to the next bottom level right underneath my home. as I kept reminiscing, thinking, and pondering about jaha's current situation. isn't he going to be targeted for betrayal against his own? Isn't he going to be at war with his own forces? Isn't it implied any higher rank assassin or soldier who quits the company may receive a life full of hell?
I'm so concerned about him that it's not even funny. This is supposed to be the crazy demon. the lost loyal and trustworthy companion and murderer of their respective forces to win or lost, much more of a bet of 75% percent chance of winning by just including his combative training itself to peer at the pure glory of his hands soaked of that crimson liquid, the pure ecstacy of taming a intelligent beast by your authority. it's a addictive substance used to boost ego by the strength you were given to tame both me and him. jaha just broke out of his cage, but at what cost? what is it to him to go and roam free with no trouble to confront him about it?
I'll do whatever it takes to protect him from the dangers of his own forces for quitting onto an impulsive , sadistic, greed driven shit turd, I'll take a bullet to the chest to give him the opportunity to live and go, but why? Is my devotion or this burning fire of desirable love in me driving me to take eternal torture and truamatic insanity off another being's work just for him to go and live? is this war really needed if two of their most strongest are starting to become much more than bloodthirsty enemies? don't they understand the cost of trading many of their men to their descent out of pettiness, the dumbest thing ever? Or is it so much for a person putting laxatives onto my drink at a bar three years ago for me to be so devoted to enabling protection against their life?
he doesn't need protection. He can hold his own, so why am I such a...douchebag. for some reason, I began to feel the addictive sin of lust for him, the need to shove this man in a wall and brush my lips against his. if..he feels the same way. this isn't actual love. It's lust. lust is an emotion of both love and despairful pain. you can either do it and take the chances to go for it or feel the rejection. but still.. I can't. It's up to my company to decide whether he lives or dies. it's the same as his own subordinates.
as I snapped out of my delusional haven, he lifted back up with water dripped down his forehead with a clean towel across his neck, he sat down and pulled his hair" p to tie it into a bun. using my scrunchy to do it, I started to think of strangs of his black hair swirling around my scrunchy mixing with my own by the time I look at it to brush mine. I never examined his dampened hair before, but I wish to see it in my own eyes if he ever considered his choice for my hunger to show with a man like him. but too much intimacy means easier breakage in relationships. Putting too much trust is the greatest despair in betrayal.
"a...bun..?"
"Yeah."
we sat across from each other. he seemed to be waiting for my response.
"hm?"
" I know you got questions. So ask it."
"hm..."
His face had a hint of curiosity for a moment before his usual stoic demeanor returns to mask his actual beauty in his person.
"What's it's like to live in this society in your perspective?"
" ..as a assasin-"
"You're no longer an assassin. express your experience as a normal human being now. Let yourself be vulnerable for a moment. As your enemy. I won't be the type to kill you right here. But I'll be the type of person to protect you. I don't care if my company points the guns at you out of superstition or suspicion of your involvement around my personal life in these halls called my "home." I'll protect you in any way I can. even if a bullet goes directly into my flesh fatally. Understood."
"Yeah, so can I finish?"
his eyes widened slightly in a tiny bit of appreciation to my devotion to a person I'm supposed to kill but dimmed down to the dirty carpet to explain his own personal life before he quit.
"Life before I quit was easy, living in a bunker regarding my safety of living in the world is much easier to just relax and lower my gaurd in my home underground, while my occupation of assassinating your men out of a little bit of cash or small rewards that doesn't benefit myself is like giving 10 cent to a child only to get candy for delivering a forgotten mail to a neighbor but isn't enough to get you a handful. usually, I don't say anything about the rewards I get outside of the bunker. They only get protein powder products and drinks, philosophy, and martial arts books to me. nothing else besides that. so.. I feel much more..freed, content, safe, no longer do I have to sit and kill anything and everyone just for my completions to be neglected for."
"I see.."
"hench why I'm the most strongest. It's up to me to fulfill the boss's most darkest desires. A personal mission or an intel mission to be as stealthy as I possibly can to your company or any rival companies's plan to eradicate. so if I see to it that your company plans a mass assault if I didn't quit. Then it's predictable. Easy to anticipate. not only is intel important, but it can also be a weapon. the virtue of strength and intelligence in a person comes from teachings and from within...if your gifted."
his eyes showed everything there was to know, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But I feel like it's something there. Something lurking inside of them that needs to be brought out. and I'm afraid of that. I shouldn't pay attention to his intention, but it's something. a full-blown mystery i have to be the one to figure out.
"Does your boss.. I don't know, uh. interfere with business of yours."
"He somehow managed to figure out my past occupation of being the mad demon, my title in china before I moved to america. Right, he decided to completely decimate my companies of trading and production for a shitty deal. I had to give up the name of the "mad demon" because he threatened to murder my daughter if I didn't accept the deal to work with him under my archives regarding my combat prowess. And currently. I don't know where she is. I'm praying to some of our gods in hopes that she's safe."
"You have a daughter?"
he reached into his pockets to pull out a half burnt picture of his daughter.
"I do. Her name is yoran. I adopted her 3 months before the apocalypse started. she clunged to me right as the dystopian society we lived in got worse and worse to the point of this much destruction. but since he nearly killed my daughter as I accepted the deal. he also took her without elaborating where she was. even if I completed a mission when my kill count is nearly hundreds, then he still won't give me an ANSWER."
"I see..so you been through a lot. I liked the name "mad demon," so it's a shame."
resting his head on his legs, he still held up yoran's picture between his fingers as I analyzed the story behind it, she's in a amusement park with a big soft loaf of cotton candy on her small fingers, a smile full of joy as jaha is holding her right hand.
"she's adorable.."
"I don't know if she has a foster parent somewhere to take care of her. Or if she's just living on her own with no protection. but.. I still have a glimmer of hope left inside me. if I ever see her again, then I'm killing everybody who kept her hostage."
I took the paper from him to study the picture more.
"Your the only person taking care of her?"
"Yes. so?"
" If it's any glimpse or sighting of her appearance in the public. Then, if you'll agree.. how about we take care of her together?"
he snatched it away from me.
"do you even know how to take care of children?"
"Do you have the mental capability to take care of her? hench, why you're the mad demon?"
"....fine. I'll agree to take care of her along with you in the future. If we're lucky enough to get her back. he keeps gatkeeping her current conditions/ wearabouts. that irritates me the most about this job. now that I've quit. I can't have any intel about her."
"damn it."
he looked back to the black sky, gazing at the full moon.
"Sometimes I wonder if society can ever be built back up again. I wonder if you and me..are just pawns. just human pieces of shit dying together by the hands of our own. even if our relationship continues to expand. This is something that's forcing our hands to do."
"Jaha, you don't have to kill me if you don't want to, no matter what.. we are no longer bloodthirsty and hate driven enemies, but we're rather two individuals growing to learn each other's boundaries and perspectives of our own. If our companies self-destruct upon each other's useless kiddy wars, then that's not our problem if we live to see the end of their unfortunate tale. All that matters is us. I don't care if our worth in this world is nothing but to focus on living for also nothing. all it matters is us."
I raise my hand to his own in hesitation, hoping he would take it if he must or not. Something about this demon I long for is like a addictive pull to the depths of forbidden love. This forbidden love has delicious and tangy notes of toxicity, hatred, compassion, protection, mental strength, and rivalry. the rivalry of this relationship has no choice but to be thrown into the abyss, going deeper into the forgotten sea. he didn't take my hand, and I can respect that.
I pull back to sit beside him to look at the dark, despondent sky.
"This reality is never going to end."
"It sure isn't. newcomers better adapt to the radiation. but jaha."
"What?"
I leaned closer to his face.
"Do you trust me?"
" Hell no. what kind of question is tha-"
I grab him by the legs and lift him up to my shoulder, walking to the bed. I can feel his anger radiating off his warm body and I'm all for it, this is my time to be a smug little cunt just to tame him a little bit and knows what it's like to rest with someone for the first time.
"YOU FUCKER. LET GO-"
I rest him down softly as I laid right next to him.
"What's the reason for this."
"To annoy you. And to.. keep you warm from the coldness of this apocalypse. knitting a blanket out of desperation for warmth is a prime example even if I pricked my fingers multiple times and drew blood since I was never taught knitting. Will you...allow me to hold you? whatever decision you made is something I'll support."
I can sense his hostile conflict beyond my words. To be in the arms of his own nemesis? a dangerous move? But gleefully. he quickly gained his composure and agreed to let me hold up away from the freezing breeze of the city ruins. I guess the only option is to let me since I have nothing else to lay in to sleep or stay in comfort, I held his waist and his back, soothingly toasty in his tepid skin, I rest myself onto him as soon as I found jaha fast asleep onto the pleasant heat I carry. I scoffed softly at his exhaustion that I decided to sleep with his presence at my hand.
Dozing off into the gloomy dark sky. I find myself trapped in that same purgatory of infatuation, obsession, and love for this concept of danger I'm holding within my very arms, that same desire holding back and striking me down when the time is right to pour out all my remaining wishes to him if he..feels the same way. it's predetermined if his decision to fulfill my desires is a rejection or a yes of his own, just mincing its way out of his crazed, driven mind, but I shouldn't. I can't. not when he's so far into the abyss of danger so deep into the grounds of a bullet piercing through his crimson flesh, his veins, and his bones.
Fatal, unable to be saved out, redemption, heaven, and hell. two powerful men destined to go to the scorching hot depths of the torturous dark flames with a path of forbidden love and pain along that path to walk through, the needles of that pain piercing through your bare feet with his hand guiding me through the stinging sensation. Is it even worth it to see him as a person I trust and care for? I'm doubting my declaration. but why should I doubt it? is my sense of trust in one individual dissipating by the minute I shut my eyes and doze off into the dream world. Does he devote his trust to me, too? or is his unpredictability supremely wicked enough to purge our relationship with the poisonous, disgusting taste of despair and anguish. I won't let it force feed me that slop. I love him. I'll just simply hope my kindness to him eventually has him noticing the signs of love within me. no matter how much I hate him with his skill of drugging me with shit substances, i won't be able to lift myself off the seat with.
the hazy misty sunset of the radioactive wasteland rose up to set its brightness to my home. jaha isn't on the bed, but I smelt something delicious swarming around the hairs of my nose. I blink three times to set my sights of a small blanket beneath some light wood and a fire with some chicken cooking at the top of the heated blaze.
"What..- how in the hell did you get chicken..?"
"Did some scavenging. found a barn with a couple of chickens inside 15 minutes near the company and took one of them. I made you a plate. It has no seasoning but this is the best we can get. Made sure not to overcook."
"...wasn't you a waitress in a diner before you fell into madness and killed a bunch of people? a errand boy, to be precise."
he examined my face, spelled with mischief before he scoffed at me.
"I was. but being an errand boy teaches you one thing about society. people are never pleased, you can give them a piece of your soul or human brain and they still won't be grateful for your work. best to stick it to yourself instead of relying on others. all I did was to have an offer to sing a song to a rich but beautiful girl, but all I got was people spatting hatred at me while that same girl looked down on me like a bug. it isn't my problem anymore so it no longer matters."
"I see..and did she have any remorse or sympathy?"
"Of course. My feelings for her have vanished intentionally since the situation fucked me up a little bit once she apologized for everything. she didn't know I offered to sing for her instead of trying to "have sex with her" while somehow..she believed their lies instead of the last remaining innocence of my ragged, saddened words to defend something I couldn't fix while I was getting beaten. that's the entire story."
He offered three freshly cooked chicken wings to me as he gazes into the fire.
"You were accused of that? being written by lies for something you didn't do?"
"Yeah. I guess they couldn't accept anything between the relationship of a mere commoner serving people in a diner and a rich, ridiculously beautiful, wealthy woman, so these men were jealous and decided to tell lies out of the original truth. Most people would assume this is the origin of my insanity but it's much more to it as they think."
this isn't the origin of his insanity, but then again. his backstory is a lot to be investigated since my knowledge of his past is something I know nothing about, I take a large bite of the chicken wing before I can speak more.
"What's your origin?"
"The only thing I can share is my parents. they both died while I was a child. and I have no picture, archive, or photo of them holding me as a baby or even a growing child. only the memories I have of them. it doesn't hurt me. but it's sad in a way. The Lee family name.."
"..understood-"
"Aren't you part of the richer class mongrang?"
his crimson, carmine eyes observed my reaction. How did he know that? That I'm in the mong family? The richest class of the chinese public.
"Yes I am."
"Hm..interesting. so I have a quick question. If a kind-hearted commoner serving you.. was in love with your woman? what would you do? tell him to back off? Tell him that she's taken? tell him something unexpectedly offensive? tell me to serve me and my girl and stop being a pussy thirsty slob?"
"Me personally. I'd go for a more positive approach thank you. I don't see why this is relevant."
honestly, the fact that his eyes are still locked on me is telling me to just give him my true designated answer, I finish the last bite of the chicken wings before setting the bones on the napkin.
"Alright then. what's your approach?"
"Would tell the commo- waitress. yeah, waitress to politely say, "She's in a relationship with me. I'm so sorry. But you had your chance" and give him a small tip. that's the only thing I want to do. I mean.. if he's obsessive or can't accept rejection, then I might as well beat his ass in front of everyone for messing with the one I love. it's either protection or politeness or rejection. easy."
"and here I am simply expecting you to have multiple other phone numbers of women you found on timber because you have no ounce of loyalty in you. you would or wouldn't mind if your girlfriend found the waitress attractive unintentionally while your ordering your food."
"What is this about."
his sense of curiosity and irriation about my occupation of being rich class is visible and obvious from the start of his dead blank gaze, seeing his hunger for my answer. I'm clearly confused and aggravated by his assumption of my old ways. how I used to use and have sex with beautiful women by deceiving them by my mere manly beauty. he clearly wants to investigate me in the form of a question game. smart bastard.
"Nothing. I'm just not very sure you would beat the shit out of a waitress for lusting over your girlfriend. I'm pretty sure you would let her get his number while you have multiple behind her back."
"What is your PROBLEM. First of all. before this apocalypse began, I enjoyed the sick and gaping pleasure of pampering dick starved woman for my own personal ego/ gain, and I'm not proud of that. the entire situation got me insecure about my natural beauty and the fact that you're assuming all my past mistakes pisses me off. now that I've changed. I don't want to relive that again."
he was wordless for a moment before speaking with a hint of solemnity in his deep voice.
"You was insecure?"
"I was. I still am. that side of myself is something I'm so desperate to forget. how I was a player, breaking the hearts of these women and taking the virginity of many just to text another woman the next day. lewd messages, arguments, lust, desires, faces of despair and hurt..I was even happy about the catastrophic event that took place in our city because of my reputation and its all going to dissappear eventually due to all the murders. I was to forget about it."
I ran my hands through my silky brown locks out of the rampage of memories, replaying in my head continuously. jaha kept his mouth as he warms his body up in the fire, I noticed he shot glances at me every 10 seconds like he wanted me forget about everything he said. maybe a shower could pass the time since I'm starting to stink, but after everything that's happened. am I just supposed to heal everybody I hurt in a snap of a finger? Am I supposed to be this rich and attractive chocolate colored haired beauty taking the clits of woman and just rubbing them to every single hairy woman I know that's only good for sex? Am I just ready to move on? or do I need to do an apology tour? I'm terrible for that. and the old saying of the book is:
"You can never escape the past, only how it shapes you."
i-..that shouldn't be the only thing I focused on but it's so hard-
while I walked to the broken elevator, jaha bellowed to me: "Come here!"
I raised my brows in confusion to his sudden request, so I came back only to be met with a warm but firm hug from the maddening, captivating jaha Lee himself. This is a rare sighting from this man. to give a hug to his one true enemy? What is this about? At all of this. this hug shoved me so far to the nearest wall just for his palms to squeeze me gently.
"Wait. What are you-"
"I simply...apologize for my accusations. I never expected you to change after all this time since you always were the same since the day we met eyes. but now that I've seen a different side of you. Something inside of me grows more and more aggressive to break out and express what it is to you. It's pulling out of intestines and breaking out feral. and now..my neverending hatred for you seems to have an end. I no longer hate you. I trust you. I know I never apologize, but this time, I will."
his finger graze my chest, sliding up and down as an attempt to calm me down, he feel my rapidly thumping heart because of his body heat pressing against him in this hug. I almost see aroused, simmering with more lust than before when he kept me at arm's length just so our relationship could be the same to the people of our companies, as soon as I raised my arm to touch his waist then he backed up immediately.
"don't think our rivalry is going to end. I still need a challenge from you."
"...understood."
he walked back to the fire, warming his body up in the ground of my home. Damn I lose my chance..it isn't so bad to grow closer since I do want to be closer than ever before. I don't want to be at arm's length. I want to be at an inch near him. To touch, to grasp, to caress, to cradle. this is the beginning of something I'm afraid of. the beginning of forbidden love as I fell for him first. the time we ate smores, the time I healed his wounds by taking the bullet shards off his flesh. it's a continuous painful torture. and I can't escape it until all the desire in me had broken its way out of me. All the locks onto the door keeping this feral desire are shut, and it remains shut until i have the authority to find every single key, put it in the lockhole, and let it out. I still can't.
I kept my obsessive, pain filled gaze at his closed, relaxed eyes for a minute. every fiber in me is screaming in lustful agony. Every single cell in me is circulating and gushing, pumping speedily just so I can get what I want with no boundaries or obstacles in my way. of course, the path to getting what I truly need is a dangerous one. my breath is ragged. and my lips are quivering before I look back to the elevator to drop down to the shower rooms.
Walking in the downstairs hall, I find the shower rooms, and yet it comes back. jaha's strong manly aura remaining in the walls of the dripping wet washroom, undressing myself beginning to grow more lustful to alluring, resonating, and vibrant ripe manly scent coating my leftover soap bars as I turn on the water to drown myself in the hot water. it pours into the skin of my naked body as my mind is consumed by him. the idealistic standard of a man obsessed with one another - actually, it isn't a standard. It's a neverending poison corrupting your parts, not physically but mentally and psychologically. it continues to take the damage even if you don't feel it at times to someone who seems emotionless with you every time you're with them. It began to grow worse and worse.
Nothing in my authority has the ability to raise my nail and stop this poison with a cure. The cure is fulfilling my desires without reason or any thought, which is dangerous to do at any point in time or place. this is becoming hazardous. the dripping water sliding down my skin is making me think of his fingers sliding down. to the abyss of pure sexual tension. I cant..this is like experiencing rabies. my shower time was supposed to be longer than 45 minutes but I been in here for an hour.
Still gazing at the surging, bursting waters of the shower head. I slowly look down to my crotch, lips quivering and eyes in horror and desire for what I'm about to touch. my twitching member between my legs as my hand moved on its own, stroking the tip slowly as I felt controlled by a puppeteer, guiding my limbs to move and walk by their nimble fingers By an electric shock of pleasure. I bounce my head up and let out a soft moan. this is why I said this is hazardous. this is my rival. the person I should desire with hatred instead of this raging, furious lust exploding inside my fragile heart. But something in me can't. can't hate him,desire to kill him, can't do anything to harm him. this is too strong. This is too powerful, I can't handle this, and this is the only way.
my tip is pouring out a whitish grayish subtance as it's nonstop twitching uncontrollably every gesture and stroke I make to give into the pleasure to please myself over somebody else. Is this the sin of lust? Something I never truly embodied within my spirit, Something that is considering to be addictive at first but horribly painful in the end. mongrang. What the absolute living fuck are you doing to yourself right now?
I bite my lips in ecstacy. doing more than just stroking the tip. My trembling hands moved up and down upon my shaft, giving into the lust with a strong ripple of embarrassment and terror for my own actions. I can't control. My member swells within my hands but turns out: every memory I try to think of inside my head is only blocked with thoughts about jaha's mere aural presence. full of stoicism and confidence, full of menace and badassery, full of strength, intelligence,and superhuman abilities, full of love and compassion for the people he saves in the lower class, full of sass and personality, full of humor and different levels of mistreat. This is insane. it doesn't feel right, but it does feel right.
My hand moved faster, my mouth intentionally letting out a symphony of soft moans and ragged gasps, pants, and whimpers, my mind whirring his beauty, his personality, his strength, his intelligence, his battle iq, EVERYTHING.
eyes rolling back drowning in the sultry rush of emotions. I feel it coming out in bursts. some form of an incoming climax of a bomb exploding right near you right before it exploded. I saw a note slip under the door, snapping me out of it instantly. i quickly turned off the shower and dressed myself before opening the note. I think about what I was doing, and then I felt guilty about it. nearly embarrassed. I should never share this with anyone. EVER.
I read the note, and it's written by the sword demon.
"mongrang. I have to notify you about this. But your enemy's company set some of our industry, production companies on fire. So, in case of that incident recently, we're starting an early war, and preparations are in due time. it starts next month, so it's best to train yourself while you still can. our men had to collaborate with some military forces, and our individual elite men had to be trained extra for the damage caused. best to upgrade your weapons while you still can since our production in metal and resources have been cut off completely. your still one to that mission right?
To target their most strongest? Time is up. you have to kill him either in the last day of this mouth or kill him in less than two weeks, or else you'll be in for a lot of trouble. refrain from sharing your personal data with him. getting...smores won't exactly be ideal. Good luck.
P.S. Our secretive investigation of that criminal group is ongoing, but the results haven't come in yet to their wearabouts since their initial headquarters have been left emptied.
-Sword Demon."
I clenched the note in disbelief. his enemy's company has been plotting war crimes against mine? But what about our relationship? What about our recent declaration and trust between this friendship is lost pieces of a discontinued puzzle? And yet.. It's a mix between never caring about the consequences of caring for my long-lived nemesis and caring about the consequences of my own life, including his to be exact.
the bottom of the note said: "Go to the middle of a city ruins to face the challenge and defeat the enemy."
I got into my normal clothes before going up to the higher level of the building to meet jaha once again, closed eyes as he observed the abandoned broken structures and the barely visible sun. god, he looks so goddamn beautiful. I suddenly just remembered the horrid crap I did earlier in the middle of the shower. am I supposed to approach him normally after that just happened? It's my fault since I acted upon my own desires for longing.
I sat behind him, reluctantly ignoring my thoughts. warming my hands in the fire as I watch his relaxation to the apocalyptic atmosphere, silence is deafening and noiseless. only the sounds of our soft breathing fill it with meaning instead of meaningless. I want to conversant. Before it lasts as our relationship might break while nobody is at fault for breaking the glass picture of a married couple. never point the fingers at anybody for something that is or isn't by control or by authority if the married couple wanted to keep the picture there for pride of their successful relationship dispite the worldwide bullshit of whores.
"are you ok?'
"Yeah. reminiscing."
"About?" I answer in curiosity.
"...mind your business."
I start to subject that feeling in me as some kind of assumption. a superstitious accusation of what he's thinking about. he's being secretive, but I can't force him to share anything about his personal life or even his occupation. hungry curiousity can be a blessing and a curse, but since he quit his mafia company. He shouldn't have anything to worry about other than the point of survival.
"mongrang."
"?"
"I sensed a presence here. did someone give you a note. If so.. what did it say?" He commented while turning his back to warm himself up in the shower.
"..."
I shouldn't tell him. but why does he want to know that?
"it just said..a upgrade onto our company."
"...I see."
I inspected his mild disbelief at my lie filled words. My questions for him are something I can't hold in for much longer.
"Do you feel anything for me?"
"What kind of fucking question is that-"
" I need the truth."
I sense his irritation as I forced his hand to tell the truth. but within that irration. it's growing and resonating like a blooming flower.
" I do. I do..are you happy? I feel something every time I see you. I won't disclose it yet since it's struck behind me, whipping me out of pain but..desire."
"You want me to share something I believe will have you baffled and possibly...aroused."
"Ok? say it."
It took all my courage to say what I think im going to say.
"I touched myself over you. eariler in the shower. I felt...so much. It's unbelievable how much lust I felt..over you. but.. good thing I got interrupted because I would've been seeing sparkles in my vision right now if I ever... didn't stop myself from finishing what I was doing to myself. You control me. and it's dangerous to feel this way about you even if we have to kill each other. It's truly terrifying to be harboring so much lust over a man I'm supposed to hate..i-isnt that just..odd? Jaha Lee.
the man that I used to oh so hate because of your crazy bullshit with shit drugs.
The man who gave it the all to murder my forces.
The man who matches me alike in terms of power.
The man I long for, instead of hate.
the man who I saw again and again for so long out of bloodlust or anger. that all changed.."
I didn't expect his reaction, but he seemed almost... shocked? his facial expression spelling his desire for me as well but is too stubborn to show his beautiful face to me. I waited for his response. Just like an obedient lovesick fool would do.
"That's honestly surprising to me for the sex demon to be so infatuated for a man like me..but your fucking insane for touching yourself. I won't complain but geez."
"Sorry.. I got too carried away on my own desires."
"It's fine."
jaha snapped the fire away with a mere hand gesture, leaving only the light dirty brown misty sky to be the only source in the room. But why did he put out the fire? he studied my reactions with a smile? Is he pampering me? This man I used to hate so much with every rapid beat of my heart with the disgusting and uncomfortable feelings of surging and gushing hatred inside this beating heart is now replaced with a pounding of longing, mixed conflict between our occupation requirements, and the final feeling is pure NEED.
overly dramatic enough, he still kept observing me, hawking at me like a bird before the atmospheric tension changed to something.. more sensual. maybe this is it. maybe this is something I craved from him. maybe he desires me, too. almost like he kept it inside him for so long enough to be psychologically and physically damaging. It damaged me to the point of touching myself out of it. It's damaging him in ways that can not be described. His ways of dealing with it are unknown, but I have yet to know in due time that I can see it in his gaze. and so my heart continues to pound.
He went closer, keeping his gaze into my eyes.
I felt everything that I tried so hard to hide. I'm afraid to say it but I'm in love.
his hands lightly touched my flushed cheeks. no words were spoken. actions speak louder than words, and jaha did that mere definition of that infamous old saying, I felt his hot breath near my lips as he moved closer to pressing his body against mine on the wall. I felt so...madly obsessed. so brainwashed, so in love, insanely and mentally crazed. it can not be helped. my body kept screaming for him, my mind scrambled into pieces, my eyes telling everything I was afraid to say as he held me onto the wall, trapping me, forcing me to face what I want all along, forcing me to entwine.
And so the final act began by his hand, his lips pressed against mine roughly, smearing his chapped lips onto mine in that aggression I love so much every time we fought, that one time 5 years ago in a nightclub when we fought in the middle of a casino private game room, I slammed him down into the bar and pinned his wrists to the woody table before stabbing me in the arm to get me off. this is exactly that reference to this kiss. he slowly entered his tongue inside my mouth, and I let him give full access just to take me to the edge and beyond.
I held my own in this aggression. His slight grunts make me crave for him more and more. I grab his hips roughly and pulled him more to the warmth of my body, I finally got what I wanted, but at what cost? the consequences of our occupations are going to get us both killed if our lust for each other's presence. But if jaha is by my side, then I won't have anything to lose. our tongues slither like snakes to taste each other's flavors as I open back up my eyes to see the saliva pooling down to his neck all the way to his collarbone. I push even harder, deepening this rough kiss by taking his authority away from this. I switch the sides to push jaha in the wall.
handling his wrists. his grunt of disapproval rattled in my mouth as I felt his hands trembling by my authority in this, by my domination, secretly enjoying it as my tongue continued to taste everything. this desire... this tension filling our senses subconsciously tells me jaha had been feeling this way, for I don't know how long? it's funny. I thought I was the only one. this attractive bastard kept it in like a person keeping in their intrusive thoughts.
I left his lips with a soft wet pop. we both sucked our air back in because we were breathless. jaha wiped his mouth, covering his entire face except his eyes scowling at me.
"What the fuck..."
"You didn't like it when I get all dominant since you're so used to being top."
I grasped his wrists more tightly at this. this fucker didn't seem that mad but at the same time he did.
"..."
"So do like it.~
"I didn't say that."
"I have a question. what is our relationship now? change of topic?"
I stared back into his eyes, wondering about our relationship. The worry complained in the back of my head, and they won't shut the fuck up. They keep knocking at the back of my head, being like an annoying little kid wanting extra candy late at night in a Halloween night, this shouldn't be intent since the raging desire in me had burnt down to merely a small flame but I have to ask out of my own curiosity.
"What is this? is this a hate-love relationship? we tried to end each other in our past, humiliate and destroy each other at any chance we get by hatred or by command of our own. you hated me more than ever. why did you suddenly change your idea towards me despite our rivalry."
" I knew you had a change of heart when you saved me. you didn't have any intention of killing me as i dissected every single point of your actions by contributing to my health and well-being. I analyzed you as far as I can do, and now I see your confliction of our company's war threats is going to jeopardize our relationship as we're supposedly to be enemies. I contribute to nobody. The only reason why I quit is to live for jaha Lee. even if this society of ours makes our existence meaningless, then it's worth living as long as you survive to live for yourself."
that powerful statement shook me to the bone as his expression was genuine, but doesn't he consider our relationship as I'm the only one in here that's still in a fugitive company out to get him?
"What are you going to do if my company tries to.."
"Take me on. I'll die trying."
"You shouldn't regard your safety like that. you haven't answered my questions whether if we're lust driven enemies." I breathe those words near his neck as I place light kisses on his rough skin.
"I say I'd love you, and I hate you. you feel the same, too. when we used to argue so much about diarrhea and how I publicly humiliated you in front of a girl that you've liked~ Your reactions were mildy hilarious."
"You find my suffering entertainment?" I continue to place small wet kisses onto his neck.
"Yeah. so it's both. it's a toxic mix with a hint of sweetness in its flavor. that sweetness is your comfort in finding my intent mysterious but uncaring since lust consumed you so much." I heard him sigh at my kisses as I lifted my head up to gaze at him at that same lustful intent.
"fuck I love it when you sway individuals with your words of surprising intellect. don't you understand my hatred for you is slowly dissolving into meaningless pieces of paper as I'm supposed to pick back up all the pieces and keep it? How am I supposed to hate you if I can bring myself to do it?"
"change of heart to me, you could've left me to die at that moment of spitfire by that horrendous tank but no. You chose to save me by healing me after I saved you back."
I'm persistent in giving him that desire, but his sights and his grunts at my light kisses fulfill me enough.
"Exactly. I was there. You also had that drive to save me, didn't you?"
"...no. simply felt like it."
"In that case..do you enjoy it when I kiss you..?~"
his entire demeanor changed from the moment that spat out of my seductive tone, my grip on his wrist shut tightly so he wouldn't push me off just to deny this all. defiant madman.
"hm. Yeah. I won't lie since that's clearly what you hate."
"You know everything I hate about you. Including your lies. such an analytical bastard you are. Case in point.~"
"Are you trying to have sex with me? i can literally feel it. Just a question. "
my smirk grew wider at his question.
"Maybe I am. Do you want to take that chance?"
"Hm. No. so how you proclaim this lust you feel?"
"What are you talking about?" he caught my hand slipping down to his lower body as he didn't seem to care.
"Isn't it all the time or sometimes? some parts of your energy every time you are around my presence is just either enforced self-control or just a facade to you. I wondered why or how this happened."
"Came..out of nowhere..that's my honesty. it hit me straight in the face and left a permanent mark. I wonder why also..why I just.."
he pushed my hand out of his bare skin.
"Calm down. we can't. Not for right now. we got jobs so we must rest."
He stepped away from me just to lay on my bed. My hesitation to grab him more and feel his warmth is making my fingers twitch erratically, my self control is slowly coming back as I started to realize the gravity of our relationship. he came to a point when I lust for him and he lust for me too dispite the fact that we can't be together whatsoever. I breathed in and out slowly as I looked at him on the shoulder to see his gaze at the full moonlight behind that mist.
I stare right back at the beauty of the full moon shining upon the despair ridden, abandoned, purged city ruins, same as my window laminating at my floor. I feel completed, but not yet filled with that same completion. with love. There's sacrifice. with love, it's imperfection of two, with love, you have to do the right thing for the one you're obsessed with. but the truth hurts. this isn't love. its lust. And lust is a dangerous addictive sin cursing humanity with its joyous ecstacy. my actions of falling in love with this man is all desire and not real, raw love out of me. but isn't that not surprising?
My former life before the apocalypse was to mess with women's emotions about love and lust before breaking their hearts peice by peice as their tears represent every part of hurt they feel, I still can't forgive myself for that. but for jaha. It's different. he's full of honesty and lies, speaking the truth even if men have a hatred for straightforwardness. I also wonder everything I did for him. I question everything.
terrible fucking habit, I slowly walked to the bed, laying beside him. I noticed he's distant, trying to regard our enemies to lovers/ lovers with the fine print contract problems by turning his back to the lust we felt earlier, that's understandable. I won't blame him since this is also consuming the depths of my small pinkish whitish brain. While this situation is blocking our path to entwining with each other's boundaries and consent. I still want him as badly as I want things to go back to normal. I slowly reach out to his waist and squeeze him even though he's fast asleep. I close my eyes, squeezing him like he's the one thing that's important in my entire life. something surprising happened.
his hand squeezed mine.
Further proof, he feels my presence beyond his maddening dreams of probably murder and war. I blink my eyes open and closed before falling right to sleep, exactly like a baby sleeping on his/her mother's warmth, jaha is my warmth. I love him. More than anything. love him more than I loved any slut choosing me to fuck their holes like a obedient man whore. a playboy.
more than my parents, more than I value my entire life, goodnight jaha Lee.
-short timeskip- ( next morning, basically)
I stirred awake to see jaha out of bed. I watched him pull on his gas mask, wearing the same clothes last night, just to go somewhere unannounced as I was asleep. his hands raised up to press his fingers to the handle of his gun, reloading it with fresh bullets. I forgot how perceptive he is by noticing me staring at him like he has eyes in the back of his head, gazing at me in the shoulder by those attractive bulbs.
"where are you going?"
"to check on lydia. can't have a single mother with children survive temporarily in this society."
"Be safe ok?"
I watch as his hair poofing out of his gas mask sway in a mixed rhythm along with his hips, each step he took drives himself further and further away from me. He's detached as always as he didn't say anything to me back, dropping down to the first level out of my home while I'm left with burning curiosity to what he's about to do with lydia. In the time being: I should search for some food near the company or get those chickens from a farm he mentioned by nourishing myself a better meal rather than consuming processed cancer infused foods.
I clip on my gas mask and leave.
-Jaha's Pov-
should I tell him the truth? this is utterly vile. the company boss instructed me to grow closer closer to mongrang and then backstab him by jabbing the knife to the core of his human body and then looking at him directly in his pain filled eyes as I twist it. bringing him more agony than before his departure to the netherworld. by our growth of turning from two bloodhungry enemies loathing each other's mere existence and concept to lovers. ish. this is supposed to be my mission even if I quit my respective mafia facility. if I do kill him. my company would have an advantage. I don't want to do this. but I have to. he's trusting me more and more to the point of more pain at fulfilling this. I'm being honest. His self hatred of his past is something I can respect. I can remember his actions fondly.
we were blazing hatred and conflict at each other once our mission to be in the same mansion for 1 week is pure torture. one night. he brought a girl over to the mansion, and he did this on purpose purely because he was next door. He had sex with the bitch. fucking her so hard enough to scream his name at the top of his lungs. but the fact that he hates himself for doing something like that is unexpected but valid. any man would be arrogant enough to excuse their actions by their physical appearance or just make up a stupid excuse but he was honest.
I walk to the back of the company, seeing a gaurd holding the door open for me.
I walk in to see the boss, a smug look as I sit down.
"You noticed the letter I sent you, hm? some of my reporters had informed me you and mongrang had been sleeping together before she slipped the note under the door. care to tell me why you quit only to be with the enemy? Did you forget about your mission?"
"I never forgot about the mission. my purpose of quitting is to live for myself. this is my life, so if I chose to sleep with the person I USED to hate, then so be it. Our relationship grew enough to render us lovers. you told me to go along with the mission whether I quit or stay."
his breath grew ragged, holding in his rage as much as he can.
"Yes, I did. news flash. I don't care about your ridiculously boring maddening life. your refusal to deal the damage to their most formidable is much irritating to see. if you even taste the sickening flavor of despair and remorse for sticking the knife out of his flesh once the damage is done. suck it up. the reward out of the hurtful damage is an advantage and winning out of cheating. people are stupid when they care about someone. Just like your being stupid."
"Did I ever agree to the terms of this mission."
"You don't have the authority to argue. yes. You agreed to the terms, and now you have to suffer the consequences of being with the person you eventually have to betray for us to strike and kill everyone of their forces with ease."
I chew on the pen, staring at his faltering smile as he expects his words to bust through me and hit me out of fear but I feel nothing.
"Hehe.. let me ask you one question. if I ever considered killing him. would you believe his death is ever going to bring mongrang's company down the drain? do you think they completely rely on his abilities to win these wars? consider observing their increase in weaponry and their strategy to decimate your facility in a flash. the enemy can be stupid at first but can get increasingly more intelligent as you observe their behavior in leadership."
"Don't see how any of this is relative to our priorities to destory and take control."
the stimulating odor of this man's cigarette huffed out of his breath in a small visible smoke.
"Did you ever think about the entirety of this?"
"Your saying?"
"Don't you think mongrang is assigned the same mission to secretly stab me in the back out of selfish reasons and kill me just to benefit this sickening company?"
"...."
"So.~"
his realization is hilarious.
"That means we'll kill each other..dispite the forbidden love we harbor as a way to create more despair in the relationship by grabbing our pocket knives and going inside the meaty flesh of our backs. Due to the frustrating term to inflict more pain onto each other by lust and hatred... this is all orchestrated by you, isn't it?"
that cigarette stinking up his breath fell out of his mouth onto the hard wooden table, sizzling by the bud. he knew I was right about that. two individuals made to kill each other from the start without the pathetic realization that this causes both ends between our companies. it's humans on a leash, and the one who's controlling the leash is the gods themselves since they have the authority to let us out our animalistic cages/ leash to let us fight to survive by gifted intelligence.
"Surprising? figured this out from the start. this is suicide for ours. pairing two powerful fugitives to kill each other but failed to realize the cost of sending us both to slit each other's throats. this is also about you. If I didn't quit, then you'll use me. and they'll use him."
"Then why are you choosing to stay with him if you know about all of this nonsense. are you that I'm love with him and his ecstacy as the sex demon to be feeling the sharp cuts of despair when you two end each other's lives?"
"You forgot we're controlled."
"Controlled? Ah-"
I pick up the cigarette's bud, sticking its sizzling dissipating bud on his forehead.
"Yes. You corporate sloths use and use those you see who are important to your work, take and take when it's nothing left to take, kill who you want to kill, and steal who or what you want to steal. we are the mere definition of that. even if we don't want to kill each other, then it's not a choice we get to decide. such gods to control someone's choices, decisions, and entire goals of a human life. This is what's wrong with the world. so much..abusive authority."
"Then answer my question, jaha. are you in love with him?"
he looked slightly intimidated as I glanced down at him at the question, flicking the cigarette off his forehead to the place of his lap.
"I am. subconsciously. are you going to use that information to build yourself a plan? here's the thing you son of a bitch."
my finger dragged through his face to open up his eye socket, his red pumping veins and black pupils looking directly at me in shock.
"we'll survive. and watch the two burn down each other's forces, companions, units, and buildings with a big bag of popcorn at our hands, ravaging the buttery sensation and the crunch as I consider letting mongrang live. in hopes of our fate not being destined for demise. far enough ft a pathetic albano monkey like you to see my future as disposable only because you think your existence is god. your NOTHING without this wealth. kiss my ass goodbye as I'll be the one to spit on your grave."
"You absolute...what side are you on? Mongrang's side or my side?"
I open his socket harder just to bask in the concept of our eyes basically being windows to the souls.
"I'm at nobody's side. I'm living for myself."
"mongra-"
"He can be my side at any time. I'll leave it to his own decision."
I let go of his socket and started to step out of the vicinity. his pleading voice stopped me on the tracks.
"Wait. If you'll agree to join my company again and help me destory the enemy, then you're gifted a million dollars. It's how much you want/ how much you need. please.."
" I don't care about money. I'm better off learning more and more how to survive in this damaged society than rather be wealthy. oh and..one more thing."
"what?"
he flinched as my whole demeanor changed from calm to menacing, filled with murderous intent. gripping my fist so hard, blood started seeping out of my fingers.
"where is yoran?"
"...if you really want the answer. she's in another city in a small orphanage, being taken care of. her health is 100%, and her mental state is good. no psychological effects from the apocalypse/ doomsday had been detected. don't worry about her. I'll give you her location of the city if you'll work for me."
" desperate. thanks for the updates."
I left, walking back into the street. Only to see mongrang at the side of the street carrying bags of food and a handful of dead chicken.
-Back to mongrang's original pov-
I heard everything. he didn't even consider my name to live this life with him. why hasn't he killed me yet since our influence on each other's toxic love is inflicting the behavior of his actions. I'm not mad, but I'm rather confused. The point of jaha's intentions is to let my presence around his life as he wants to live on his own. so he's basically letting ourselves free to stick to our devoid soulless survival life during this forbidden love of ours.
"...what are you doing here?"
"I thought you were checking on lydia."
"I lied. I been invited to a meeting with the boss."
his hands clamp at the core of my mouth underneath the gas mask and push me to a storage room of an abandoned food production facility to keep our personal information quiet. the black moldy spots and a rotting scent of trash and expired milk.
"You had a meeting. How did you get it?"
"It was in the middle of the night. while we were asleep. I heard a note slip under your door, so that's how I came here in the first place."
"I have a lot of questions of this entire ordeal."
my voice spoke, a hint of pain in its tone.
" it seems like you don't care about me. after all the times we spent on each other's wellbeing. worrying about our safety in living in this horrible destroyed society of ours just for you to stick it to my decision to live the rest of my life with you as you never seemed to think about it yourself.."
"I never said I didn't care. I didn't want to be the one to control your own decisions and goals in your mind since we're both humans. We have intentions to live or intentions not to live in this depressive post apocalypse. if you assume I don't think about all the times we've cared for each other despite our past encounters in two different demeanors completely opposite of our assumptions to each other, then you're wrong. I don't just want to live for myself since that's my intention after this civil war between two humans that are the same. I want to live for a purpose."
"Oh ok so this idealistic purpose and need to live at our point is just a young asian man roaming around this dead city that's used to be mafia alone..? No food, no water, no home, no family, no daughter? Is that your intention to do after you took the chance to kill a person who actually loves you for who you are!?"
his breath hitches at my words, his stoicism slowly crumbling.
"If we're able to escape the uncontrollable addiction of greed and horror of abusive authority in this destroyed society by taking both of us to the depths of hell whom blades stabbed each other intentionally but unintentionally by the hands of these vile assholes. I do expect myself to be alone. I can accept my life as having subordinates and companions. but this is life or death. we still don't have a choice. not while you're still my enemy.
not while I have nothing. no units, no forces. No, anything after I quit. Even while I'm stuck with trying to survive along with you. I still don't have a choice. This isn't forbidden love. it's love with obstacles, paths full of pain and anguish, and our divided forces."
"If you want to take my life, then do it. fulfill yourself with it. embrace the mere fact that you've just killed someone who is in love with you. who wants to be with you, who wants to explore intimacy and boundaries with you. love can be at the deepest darkest places of this planet but yet can't find the small speck of the love you want in that darkness. I just want you."
my eyes softening up to make it clear I'm genuine.
"We cant..I can't. Can you see that? life or death isn't a multiple choice test in school. it's a choice depending on the lives of your loved ones or your own family? why do you think we both haven't killed each other yet? we're so... wrapped up in our own emotions, too blind to know this can't work. no matter how hard you try to push me to fall more and more down to the abyss, awaiting danger. we're so caught up onto our feelings, our hearts, everything. yet it still can't work."
" I'll find a way to make it work myself. because I'm not going outside into the world without the mad demon whom I am in love with, to guide me through the path of no more mind numbling murdering of people and repetitive life cycles. I'll be a reckless bastard if the only chance I get out of feeling true love is bullshitery and divided hatred. Even if our divided companies I don't care for fall in destruction. then I still want you."
"We can't. Are you understanding or not?"
My hands hesitated before deciding to grasp my hands to his.
" I understand well. control is temporary, it's trivial, it's destructive and devastating for the innocent and the lower class of society, it's beautifully joyous to those who want that control to make people bow to their mere grasp. this control we both go through as not just similar enemies. But it is destorying the foundation of our relationship as I desire to progress it to a higher level than before. understand our strength as being our single individual weapon used for the purpose of crushing them."
"You forget our companies have a entire army."
"When was the last time you killed hundreds, jaha?"
"a short while ago."
my eyes full of determination and affection, grasping his hands slightly tighter as I believe this to be real and I want it to happen. the foundational system of love's cycle upon humanity's behavior gives a feeling of stupidity upon just...throwing a limb for the person you love dearest in your entire life.
"Maybe we have a chance. I'm giving us an opportunity to strike back upon these rich and powerful mafia assassination companies, seeing us as rare diamonds out of an underground cave just to throw us at war, expecting us to be invincible at the horrors of the apocalyptic battle field. Just so our relationship can expand more. grow more, develop more. I hate to admit it despite the fact you gave me a horrible, agonizing case of diarrhea years ago in front of the girls I was PRETENDING to like. But..I'm hopelessly and utterly in love with you. so much, in fact. just like we expressed our desire back at my home. But I'll keep it real. I want to be with you. I want all of you. I want every single inch of you. personality wise, body wise, appearance wise, intelligence wise, cunning and intimidating wise. All of the FUCKING wise.
The reason I initiated the plan to destroy our own is because im so sick was tired of having to deal with this constant drama, wars, and bloodshed, so sick of being unable to get closer to you as soon as the rush of these emotions first began."
he was shocked at first when I confessed to him, he nodded in acceptance of my love and to my plan.
"Love you too.. I approve of the plan."
"..never thought this would happen to us. but..you stay safe. I got to go back to my company for any updates on the civil war problem."
"Alright."
I slowly stepped back, hesitantly, giving a jaha a small affectionate smile before leaving to the direction of my company, I could feel his eyes still staring back at me. and it isn't worry or indifference. it's actual compassion in that expression. I can sense it. I was so blunt to be confessing my desire to him like this, but this is finally the climax. the explosion in my soul when I'm openly done hiding my own emotions away from him, even though he's a asshole to many, and an icy mass murderer with strength unmatched to most that's what is attractive about him. His flaws don't bother me one bit. all I want is him.
I step back into the company lobby, seeing the sword demon consult to a charcoal battered blacksmith with multiple handmade guns and weapons onto his hand.
"Aye."
"Your back. Where have you been?"
"...taking care of Lydia. what's going on in the company?"
he eyed at the blacksmith, signaling him to leave, and so he did. Getting back to work.
"we're setting up preparations for the civil war. our blacksmiths are putting in work to create the blueprints to what perspective our master wants us to use while fighting in the middle of battle. so most of us are occupied at the moment. anything about their most powerful assassin as in intel? I heard one of our city Intel reporters saw you and jaha spend more time together than usual. Is that true?"
"no."
"Can you prove it?"
My hand slowly balled into a fist. God, why do I have to hide my relationship with him like I'm hiding my boyfriend away from a homophobic Christian family? I don't want to lie, but I have to. I spoke with a slightly ragged voice:
"I've been helping him go back to his company since the mist makes it harder to see. and also the direction to his individual company is like a maze around the city ruins. So."
"...fine. make sure to upgrade your fighting equipment before you do anything else. Oh and boss has a another mission for you."
I sighed in irritation.
"What's the mission..?"
"He needs you to go outside of the city ruins. like into the wilderness to gain intel on current plant/ food life regarding resources from outside the apocalypse. the point of the mission is to camp and see your experience in survival and food nourishment. Including the information given back to us. go ahead and upgrade. I got to talk to the boss. I'll give you a discount."
"Thanks man."
I walk into the heat, the burning smell of melting iron and metal, watching the sword demon go to the direction of the boss's office. I place my weapons and my guns down on the blacksmith desk before having the curiosity to see why he's visiting him. I walk to the office, making sure nobody is around to see me pouncing around private conversations. I press my ear on the door to hear their voices. I overheard:
"He always lies to me straight to face. mongrang is clearly in love with our enemy, the one who's much more of a dangerous liability to your forces than we thought were true, the one who's strength in inhuman. I thought you were better than to send him constantly on missions instead of having him train better to give us a victory..! The intel reports says right on the dot that they're much more of a love grown relationship than we anticipated. Should we just call quits?"
"Calling quits because of a gay love relationship or is it just your own worries in your own subordinate being hurt and broken by asking him to kill the man he loves? Aren't you the one who asked him to hurry up and kill him before the civil wars come into play? You always don't make sense. I don't even bother asking a mere blacksmith to know any better than common sense."
his voice rose slightly louder at his boss.
Yes. But-"
"Then it's no point trying to work out personal issues created by two beings we control. they can hurt each other and suffer the same despair by a sacrifice, but it's always pain in the depths of love. by our authority resides pain in their love. I don't care if mongrang is so deep in this love that he'll kill himself if he even was to actually kill jaha by his hands. all it matters is that we WIN."
his cigarette lifted off his mouth, letting out a breath of smoke.
"You and...him..are brothers, are you? You and our main enemy? The man who issued his own forces to kill hundreds to thousands of our units, including jaha and his destructive capabilities in combat and melee weaponry? The intel on your backstory is hidden deep beneath the stairs of our secretive archive, stored in a cabinet of the boss's personal information regarding your parents and relatives. your...his brother. you're our enemy's sibling.."
"And why did you feel the need to look into the archived without permission?"
his charred, thin lips took the cigarette to the tip of his mouth once again, exhaling a cloud of cancer.
"I needed the reasoning why you're doing all of this. Were you two corporate billionaires made to rivalry with each other due to family favoritism and abuse? Is it a possible truama? is it an insecurity to be born with a secondary brother possibly taking away the empire you were destined to obtain from the start of your first cry? All the evidence to prove your blood related family had been demolished. almost like you burned it. The only thing that is left is "two siblings" at the side of the paper and information your family had done before the apocalypse. Mass murder, torture, cartel, mafia, drugs.."
"It will be better to shut your mouth then rather dig deeper into my origin story. What I want is a flawless victory in this civil war. a clash between the ying and the yang. two opposites. I don't care if mongrang's despair for killing the one he loves is jeopardizing his work and his life as a whole. this victory is ours. If you have anything to say, then you can leave. The preparations are nearly complete. until then..do your job."
he sighed in resignation. leaving the office.
I hide behind the door, but he doesn't seem to notice me. But..are you kidding me? brothers? despair? Flawless victory? so this entire fight we have been having for years is nothing more than a pointless sibling rivalry over unknown reasons?
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tbqh i‘m not a big fan of Janey and/or Barb being the sole purpose and reason Coop stayed sane all those years. obviously, in a lot of ways he hasn’t processed the betrayal of his belief system and the hurt, let alone getting closure. And I mean, from where he stands at the end of s1 and from what we learn about him, it makes total sense that he’s so driven to find his family.
A message that I (personally) would find a lot more compelling though would be a possibility of a new life and closing the door on the past completely? In a way dwelling on the past keeps ourselves from healing, I think, and I really wish for Cooper to find meaning in the present and truly ‘take it as it comes’.
Ghoulcy brainrot aside, I think that it could be a nice way, narratively speaking, for Coop to let himself be soft and vulnerable and learn to trust someone (Lucy potentially) again? Like, he’s been in survival mode for the last 200 years, and there’s no question that there’s a lot to resolve with Vault-Tec, Barb, Hank etc. But I think it would be all backwards if his character arc would lead to him being a father again, without acknowledging how he changed in the meantime.
I mean, there’s a difference what a character THINKS they want, and what they really need. And I don’t see this tidy, neat, narrative bow of Cooper and Janey reuniting and going back to their old dynamic, happening. Which also completely negates Janey’s change and perspective (we still don’t know what happened to her and how she got separated from Cooper. Maybe she was lied to? there’s so many possibilities)
Sorry. All this rambling, just to say that I like the idea of Cooper finding his new purpose in the changed, new world, that is very different from the past, just like he is a changed man. And I hope that his character arc in s2 helps him get closure instead of ‘’’seemingly’’’ giving him what he wants, as in his family.
I agree that I wouldn't like the idea of it as his sole purpose in the ultra-literal sense I mentioned of it being the physical only reason he's alive, ie: he'd go feral if he got answers. That rubs me the wrong way, I think, because I feel like it implicitly denies the inherent value of his life and suggests he can't or shouldn't survive finding closure. Or, like I said, that he's 'already dead' and more like a ghost with unfinished business than someone who can find a way forward. Which I hugely dislike, thematically, because I always want the possibility of hope and healing to exist or what's the point investing in anything. I want characters to feel like they have narrative worth beyond their quests or immediate goals. He's been symbolically resurrected already because we meet him literally rising from his grave, and I want that to be resurrection not reanimation. I think he's alive and therefore still capable of choices and therefore still capable of healing etc etc.
They could take it in a hopeful direction (he's alive and can change) or in a bittersweet or tragic direction (Cooper died and the Ghoul is either his ghost or the wasteland is his Hell, he can serve only as a messenger or vengeful spirit).
I don't agree it's going backwards for him to 'become' a father again. He's never stopped being a father. He's the same person and will always be a father whether Janey is alive or not. To me, healing for him inevitably involves becoming more like he used to be, but that's not going backwards, that's reconnecting with his authentic self. It doesn't mean the intervening years are wiped away and nothing he's gone through since then matters, it just means he realises he buried parts of himself that he needs to be whole. That he doesn't have to let the wasteland turn him into its creature, there's ways to adapt and survive without discarding your soul.
He's already being confronted with that and already questioning himself just from the interaction he's had with Lucy so far. She's a mirror and a challenge for him and she's already showing him there might be another path, that it wasn't inevitable he ended up where he is now. He doesn't have to play this role he felt forced into to survive, it's not the only way.
I don't think you ever leave the past behind. It's part of you. To me it's not a binary between nostalgia and trying to 'go back' or drawing a line under it all and getting closure. His past is something he has to reclaim and reintegrate, not something to 'let go'.
If they're reunited, it will obviously never be the same, but that doesn't mean having a relationship with his daughter isn't something he should want. He'll always want that, that's a fundamental part of his identity. I don't think it's a simple bow to tie things in at all, because the most difficult part about it is that they'll have to figure out a way forward in the changed world. They can't go back to the way things were before. He can't go back, he can only reconcile.
I'd argue it'd be more of a challenge to his character if she's alive, because he'll have to deal directly with the reality of who he really is under the role he's taken on and be vulnerable just in order to even talk to her. If she's not alive, someone else would have to force him to do that.
Which I think can be Lucy, of course, because she's already made him reflect and confronted him just by being herself, but she can never create the emotional reckoning Janey can. The way his arc is going could be equally leading up to a reunion and a crisis or to him having to accept Janey's death. I think either is valid and possible, though again I think her being alive is more challenging and thus more likely.
If Janey is dead, that puts ten times more weight on his relationship with Lucy and makes their intimacy or lack thereof completely determinate of his trajectory, because he'd have no one else left to make him vulnerable. But like. He already dropped his exaggerated persona several times, including for Lucy simply because he empathised with her. I feel like he's more aware of what he's doing by playing a character to survive, and his authentic self is much closer to the surface, than people generally suppose.
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AUGUST DWC DAY 7 - GROWTH
‘Change is inevitable, but personal growth is a choice.’ It was something his great-grandfather Dicenne, the man he was named after, had always told him while growing up. Great-grandparents aren’t supposed to have favorites, but there had always been a strong connection between the two from the start. Along with the name, they both shared the same orangish-red hair color, the taller than average height, and extreme strength; traits that none of the other Amberlights had been blessed with. There was a running joke within the family that one of the Amberlights had a child with a Vrykul somewhere along their line and only a scant few since had been touched by those genetics. (A joke, but honestly it would explain quite a bit.)
The quote was a good lesson that Dicenne had carried with him throughout the years. Change was impossible to avoid in a world cursed with nearly constant war, and survival was all about adapting to whatever life threw at you - and life had thrown an awful lot at him. He had lost his entire extended family and most of his friends in the Scourge invasion, his blacksmith shop had been completely razed during the Legion invasion, both of his parents had passed within years of each other, Kara had been taken and traumatized for life, he nearly lost his life during his time in the military, and so, so much more. All of those events were awful and life-altering, but he had managed.
It was the death of his wife and newborn child on the same day that had broken him, and if it weren’t for his great-grandfather Dicenne, he probably wouldn’t be here today. The elder Amberlight had gone through a similar experience back in the day, he too had lost a wife and a child, but in an accident. It was something he had never known about his great-grandfather, considering the man was now happily married with plenty of grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
No one ever truly gets over that type of loss, but you eventually learn how to smile and have fun once more, and you remember how to give your love again. The healing process had felt excruciatingly slow and as if there would never come a day when he didn’t feel absolutely crushed. But the time passes regardless, and then you look back to where you once were and realize how much you have grown since then
He would never be fully healed, but he realized that he didn’t need to be. He still had so much more love to give in this life, and he was no longer going to allow his past to hold him back from doing just that.
@daily-writing-challenge
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🗣️🌄🤝💬🤔📝💢
🗣️ If you grew up more on family/oral tradition or region-specific storytelling, what's a fun quirk in how your version JTTW differs from Wu Cheng'en canon?
Ooo that's hard to say, I really learned from my teacher about JTTW in class or tv cause my parents are kinda... boring. I still have the PowerPoint she used to show us the slides somewhere on my old laptop all those years ago. If my parents were the ones to tell me about it orally I think they would have made it similar to the 1961 Wukong in mind, making him more mischievous than anything else. I would have to ask them if there was any tales they heard it from or they are more just diehard cartoon fans.
🌄 Favorite minor character?
Li Muzha. Man does not get paid enough to be the ultimate errand boy. He does get a new little brother disciple out of this though.
🤝 Underrated dynamic?
Wukong and Bajie. I know now they are getting a lot more love with their dynamics but seriously... they are so funny with one another and between the contact pranks, jabs, and "I refuse to believe he's dead, nothing can kill someone that stubborn" attitude between the.... they give me life.
💬 A quote you love?
Chapter 24, "Pilgrim said, "You can walk from the time of your youth till the time you grow old, and after that, till you become youthful again; and even after going through such a cycle a thousand times, you may still find it difficult to reach the place you want to go to. But when you perceive, by the resoluteness of your will, the Buddha-nature in all things, and when every one of your thoughts goes back to its very source in your memory, that will be the time you arrive at the Spirit Mountain."
🤔 Has an adaptation ever reshaped how you feel about a character or arc?
I think the 1996 has forever influenced how I see Tang Sanzang for the rest of my life. To me that is the peak Sanzang and the one I think really shows a man who this struggling with himself but still holds fast to what he believes in even in times of hardships. He is a little naive but has a heart that is too big that cares for both humans and demons and truly thinks that going west can save them both through the beliefs of Buddism. Demons can repent their ways and change from eating humans to just living their lives, and humans can reach enlightenment and escape pain, which is all he wants for the world.
He is the MOST monk of all the monks and I will forever hold him close to my heart.
📝 Favorite thing an adaptation changed in their version of the story?
Strangely enough, I really loved the 2003 My Son Goku because of this one scene where Wukong is trying to go to Master Putis and during this, he gets caught in a sandstorm. This was before he got any magical powers or immorality and he was surely going to die. But then a monk trying to go west stops and saves him, his own horse was already dead and he gave the last of his water to Wukong. Wukong was able to survive but he wasn't strong enough to save the Monk that gave up his life for his and could only watch as the sandstorm covered his body, forcing him to leave.
Or the Hero is Back 2015 were Wukong is awaken earlierthan expected and literally is put on babysitting duty to protect Liu Jiang while he is trying to get back home and being a grumpy dad.
Wait, wait, no 1986 gaslighting me so hard for years thinking that Bailong really had a finance that ran away with the Nine Head Demon. That for YEARS convinced me he had a whole thing going on until I reread and was like… "I played myself." That's impressive.
💢 Hot take?
Sun Xingzhe is terrible at worst and a coward at best but also he is fucking funny and I want an adapation with him.
He is giving... this engery.
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It frustrates me so much how much of the SW fandom paints the Children of the Watch as a totally bad creepy cult, even as the show is pretty clearly telegraphing that the Armorer is taking the appearance of the mythosaur as a sign that they're in a new era and they need to adapt to survive and...that's good. Some people are just so mad and confused that the Armorer made an exception for Bo-Katan and let her remove her helmet when she wouldn't do so for Din.
Not even getting into the obvious fact that even people as set in their ways as her can change their minds given a compelling reason (like, you know, a vision of religious significance), the difference is Bo-Katan isn't a believer in their ways. She’s only kept wearing her helmet with these people out of respect, and the Armorer must realize this and that expecting that forever would drive her away.
But Din is still a believer. He's a grown man with agency and the religious beliefs he's been taught and held since childhood are obviously important to him, even outside of having the approval and acceptance of the other Mandalorians. We can see this because he continues wearing his helmet after the Armorer sends him away, when he doesn't even yet have hope that he could redeem himself in her eyes. And once he hopes to find the living waters, he still wears his helmet until then even though it's basically pointless because he'll supposedly be starting over cleansed of all transgressions when he bathes in the waters anyway.
I'm not saying this is healthy lol, and I do think in the future Din will further prioritize his connection with others and eventually choose not to hide his face anymore. And I'm so glad that Bo-Katan being welcomed into the fold as she is potentially opens the door for other Mandalorians to choose a different way without being rejected by this family. But right now I think Din truly doesn't think he wants that. And when he does finally take the helmet off again I would like it to be for good this time, not just something he does in an emotional or desperate moment again. Some fans are so gd impatient about it, but I think it has to be a big deal and a massive change when it comes to that so it's something the series needs to work its way to gradually.
Also, at the end of the day, some fans need to remember that Star Wars is a fairy tale about magic and spirituality, and it very well may be that not everything about the Mandalorian religion is bullshit and Bo-Katan really did see the mythosaur because she has an important destiny to lead her people....You know?? It’s starting to look like that kind of story.
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We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:
Ailill O'Dwyer, a 30 year old son of Aengus. He is a freelance music teacher.
FC NAME/GROUP: Kim Woosung / The Rose CHARACTER NAME: Ailill O’Dwyer (Ailill’s pronunciation is AY-ill) AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 25 February 1993, 30 PLACE OF BIRTH: Seoul, South Korea / Raised in Dublin, Ireland OCCUPATION: Freelance singing, guitar and piano teacher. HEIGHT: 173cm / 5’8’’ WEIGHT: 65kg / 143lbs
DEFINING FEATURES:
Ears piercings: one on each lobe.
Tattoos: 1) Oona’s name and DOB (17.03.2022) on his left upper arm. 2) A stylized b/w Celtic Tree of Life along his spine. https://pin.it/7h7tNmN
PERSONALITY: Ailill is not a complicated person. He has simple tastes and dislikes when things are getting too fancy. Music is his passion and his talent for it is innate, making him a gifted composer and performer.
Due to the nature of his powers, Ailill can never be sure if people’s feelings towards him are real or only a result of his voice’s beauty. He’s always extremely suspicious of others’ intentions or affection towards him. He has a tendency for loneliness and often keeps things for himself. This side of his personality got even worse after his wife’s death.
However, once he’s sure of the real nature of others’ feelings, the young man can be the most loyal friend or passionate lover.
The only person Ailill can truly be himself with is his daughter Oona. He is a loving, caring and patient father, always ready to do anything for the little girl’s happiness. Extremely protective, his only wish is to keep her from harm and allow her to grow up in a safe and joyful environment.
HISTORY: Nothing much is known about Ailill’s mother and the circumstances of his conception. She anonymously gave birth to him and gave him up for adoption in a Seoul’s hospital. She only left him a letter to open when he would reach the age of 15.
Fortunately, the little boy didn’t stay in the foster system for too long. A loving and sweet Irish couple adopted him before he reached two years old and moved him to Dublin where he was renamed Ailill O’Dwyer. Easy, loved by all, the little boy grew up happily in his new family and country. And though he quickly accepted and adapted the Irish culture, his parents made sure he never forgot where he came from, bringing him to South Korea several times to allow him to connect to his birth country.
Already a good student, Ailill showed affinity for music very early on. His parents decided to allow him to explore this talent of his, offering him singing and piano lessons. The boy truly bloomed in this relationship with music, even learning guitar and composition by himself.
As he was growing up into a well-rounded person, Ailill started to notice others’ behavior towards him change. People he had no interest in were now asking for dates or more, the pattern repeating mostly after hearing him sing. Now reaching 15 years old, his parents gave him the letter left for him by his birth mother.
And thus, Ailill learnt everything about his father Angus, his Celtic and divine heritage as well as his powers. There were also words about a place called Mount Phoenix where people like him could find a shelter and answers about their parentages. Confused and now doubting of people’s real feelings for him, Ailill withdrew, choosing to follow his studies and his love for music. After graduating from the TU Dublin Conservatoire, the young man moved to South Korea to try to find his mother.
Instead of the wanted answers, Ailill found Sook, the first person who proved him he could be loved for who he was and not his powers. The young couple married after a couple years of dating and Sook was soon pregnant.
Unfortunately, the young woman didn’t survive childbirth and Ailill was left alone with his daughter Oona. Mourning, hesitating to go back to Ireland, the young man finally decided to find Mount Phoenix and moved there with his now 18 months old girl.
PANTHEON: Celtic CHILD OF: Aengus, God of Love and Youth POWERS:
Angelic singing voice causing other to temporarily become infatuated with him. He usually doesn’t take advantage of it.
Communication with birds associated with love (doves, partridges, swans…) https://birdgap.com/birds-love-symbolism/
STRENGTHS:
Protective.
Responsible.
Humble.
Loving and dotting father.
Musician: vocals, guitar (acoustic and electric), piano.
Multilingual: English, Korean, Irish Gaelic.
WEAKNESSES:
Doesn’t easily trust people.
Tendency to loneliness.
Difficulties to open to others, he mostly keeps everything to himself.
Mentions of his wife, he still finds it difficult to talk about her.
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If you could make a fix it fic, which fandom would you do it? For me, it would be Jurassic, because... there's a lot of "what an idiot" moments on the franchise, same with Star Wars.
Oh gosh, I have a growing list. I can't just stick to one! There's so many I have to ask the writer(s) what are you even doing?
Since you mentioned Jurassic in the ask, I'll keep the focus there, cause I do have issues with the franchise and there are some ideas I could think of to change up the series. Though it would be more directed towards the World films. JP1 and JP2 I can't think of anything I really need to fix, and JP3 only thing I'd have changed is the removal of the dumb dream. That was silly. But the rest of the film I was good with.
Now JW1, which was the best of the World films, at most I'd do minor tweaks. Make the older brother less creepy and stop staring at girls. Remove the mention that the brothers parents are getting a divorce, we don't need that. It's just pointless exposition. I'd also either overhaul Owen's character or replace him. Like, removing the actor from him and viewing him as a character, he's unlikable and just doesn't click with the other lead Claire, cause they're both stiff in different ways, she's controlling and orderly while he's gruff and hostile and it just wasn't pleasant seeing them work off each other. Maybe... given that raptors are social animals, the trainer should be sociable and a little playful, but gets serious as required.
JW2 I'd just overhaul all together, work off the trailers more. Like, at most, I'll give the film that the Indoraptor was hilarious cause that thing thought he was in his own horror film, but for a film that was built up on dinosaurs getting loose, and our era is about to be a "fallen kingdom" and we're truly about to enter Jurassic World; well the movie should've been more about that. And given the opening, maybe it should've been that the Mosasaurus should've been the focal big antagonist of the film. Have Claire spending her life focusing on the dinosaurs and handling the mess of the fallen theme park, being in charge of handling the dinosaurs and overseeing the island. And it's discovered the Mosasaur got out and Claire is to assist in the termination as it's doing a lot of damage in the ocean, and while this sea horror film is going on with the Mosasaur, in the B plot, Biosyn is coming to the island to gather up the dinosaurs, with Dodgson leading the way. Idk how, but the two plots will come together, and because Biosyn is over ambitious, dinosaurs break free are now loose in the United States and is set to some how spread to other parts of the world. And that would be Dominion, full blown dinosaur apocalypse with people trying to survive, and adapt to dinosaurs now being a part of life and can come and go wherever they please, and seeing what changes have to be made and just embrace the horror of this setting. I'd also like the Camp Cretaceous kids make cameos.
Speaking of which, I'd overhaul s4 of Camp Cretaceous too. I'd go that the Mosasaur pushes the campers onto Site B and they got to survive on the new island, and it keeps dinosaurs as the focal threat with our old buddy Spino, we see the rex from JP2 grown up, and of course the raptors. This will also be the season for Sammy to shine a little as Mantah Corp is here to do illegal experimentation, which maybe here is where you get to see the Indoraptor as I cut that out in my idea of JW2. And the guy that blackmailed Sammy's family is here, and she and him are going to have an actual confrontation for what he did to her and her family. I'd also reveal that Mantah Corp picked up on the SOS signal and purposely ignored it. And it could be set up that s4 they were able to get a hold of Mantah Corp's tech and get a message out that Dave and Roxie and Darius' older brother picks up and keep in them coming in to help in s5. Also the scientist they come across in s4, I'd either cut her out entirely as she was kinda pointless, or make her another Mantah Corp operative, not kept in the dark about what they're doing, but she also wasn't here for child murdering, so she helps the kids however she can.
I'd keep in Kenji and Darius making up, but change up the reasoning, instead of Kenji's mad at Darius for endangering his (apparent) crush Brooklyn, he's mad because all the campers are his first time friends, he had lost Ben, he nearly lost Sammy, and so soon Brooklyn is in danger right now and Darius left her in that danger (though she did tell him to leave her). And he was mad at Darius for taking that risk for their friend cause between Sammy and Ben, it really clicked for him how terrifying it is knowing that another is in danger. And I would clarify that Kenji isn't wrong in his feelings, but it is something he needs to get past cause now isn't the time for there to be tension in the group.
Also, if any couple is going to be made official in s4, it's going to be Yaz and Sammy.
As for the matter of PTSD, I'm going to clarify that all the kids have PTSD. I am baffled that s4 claimed that Darius, the 12 yo who had to step up as the leader of these kids, struggling to survive, running from dinosaurs that wanted to kill him, had to deal with bounty hunters that wanted to kill them, and the horror that was the Scorpius Rex; apparently doesn't have PTSD, that he's good. Yeah that can go. That felt like some cheap means to try and separate Darius from the group and help establish Kenji as the new leader; yeah that go out the window. That was irritating.
As for Kenji's dad being in charge of Mantah Corp... I actually still need to watch s5, but I'd lean that he isn't. Like, the man is a VIP at the park, he has his own spot on the park that's isolated and exclusive to him, he has access to hidden routes under the island that can go into any of the exhibits. Why does his company need to hire a teenager to be a spy and gather dna and intel for him???
And for sure, I'd have CC officially end around the time that FK ends, and when Darius sees a dinosaur in his neighborhood, there is horror and dread in his face cause that's not supposed to be here, and that ends with your build up for Dominion, and setting the tone of what's to come.
And so concludes Punchie's ranty rewrite of the Jurassic franchise. I hope you guys like it better than what we got.
#ask Punchie#jurassic series#jurassic park#jurassic world#camp cretaceous#rewrite#overhual#fix it fic
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