#truly don't think I would be the same person without it

[transgenderpolls]

i really truly think that the best thing we can do as a community right now is to take the horror and the anger and the despair and re-orient that energy into something productive: a drive to help each other. the government won't do it, so we do what generations long past have always done and do it ourselves.

not everyone needs to be a full-time selfless activist going to meetings and organizing coups, but whatever you can do, DO IT. if all it is is existing, do that. there's a lot of trans kids feeling hopeless right now who will be encouraged to keep living by seeing other trans people. or hell, even a trans flag sticking out of the ground, or taped to a pole. you don't have to be visibly trans or out yourself to do it. there is genuine strength in numbers and, just the same as we get scared by being surrounded by maga signs, those motherfuckers will get scared if they know THEY'RE surrounded. they won't be as emboldened if they realize just how many of us there are.

i'm so serious. if you're trans or if you care about anyone who is, leave a mark. it doesn't have to be outside your home or on your person or anywhere else that could render you unsafe. just... print out or draw the flag, or write something, like "a world without trans people has never existed and never will," and go stick it somewhere. if every single one of us did that even just once, i think that alone would make a big fucking difference.

[hallucinatinghalos]

It's interesting to me that the show writers have decided to make the monastery be the moment Lestat is brought home violently, and at (I would assume) such a young age. In TVL he's still taken from the monastery against his will and denied an education (devastating enough) but it's not until he's older and runs away to join the theatre troupe that they drag him home violently. His eventual response to the assault and yet again being denied control of his life, and some other major events I'll skip over, is to move to Paris and become an actor anyway. But by making the physical abuse happen so young, and be so brutal, they're creating a flashpoint of extreme helplessness and harm without hope of escape that will parallel his turning by Magnus (who also now imprisons him for a week which is longer than the books' shorter but still horrific turning)

The repercussions of the abuse at the hands of his father and brother as it occurs in the show would be a little death, a transformation. The child that left for the monastery is lost, the Lestat that walks out of his room with his prayers silenced and saints forgotten cannot be the same person and survive. That will certainly mirror his mortal/human death and turning by Magnus. He is struck down, altered so cruelly by both his father and by his maker.

And don't even get me started on the ramifications of his relationship with the divine. That he wanted to be a priest. That his prayers repeatedly go unanswered in the face of such horrors. The ocean between himself and God.

The part of the apology/reconciliation scene that I think strikes best at the heart of his abandonment issues as it pertains to the divine is when he gently scoffs at himself for calling out to God during his turning. Despite previous experience, he again tried to survive the wrath of a larger, stronger being by praying. The situation so extreme he was made utterly powerless. And yet, again, there was no intervention. Again, he was abandoned to this awful fate and now there he sits a monster. Worst of all though he's his family's monster asking for forgiveness that he does not feel he deserves. You know he recognizes the anger in Claudia's eyes, the harm. His smile is a sad defense against Louis' pity. It's crushing.

"I didn't want this." he tells them as if to apologize for his very existence, his being.

He has become the thing he hates most.

He is so vulnerable here. My god.

I can't even allow my brain to delve into his psychological state in the garbage dump, post-murder. That he knows he was so awful that he pushed Claudia and Louis to such desperate measures. It's no wonder he breaks down during the trial when recalling Louis putting him in his coffin, that Louis saved him despite what he was, what he'd done. You will never convince me he was at the trial for retribution, and I do not trust the tower scene as we saw it at all. He would mentally be in tatters. The events of the trial, whatever his involvement ultimately was, of seeing Louis in that situation and watching his daughter murdered...there are no words for what he would be going through (and that's without knowing what the full context of the trial was for him) there is only what remains years later...

A broken creature.

Louis leaving him was truly a push to destruction equal to Armand pushing his weakened body off the tower in the book, as near a fatal blow as Louis could strike in that moment. Lestat is alone and defeated. A fate he maybe feels he deserves, that he should've never survived to this point anyway. His existence only seeming to harm those he's loved most (can't forget Nicki here.) There is something about him choosing to sit in that ruined house and starve that calls back to his bedroom prison post-monastery. I can see why Rolin allowed the level of emotion to remain in the reunion scene. Because Lestat is as emotionally broken here as he is physically broken in the book. There is next to nothing left in him to rally against the flood of his feelings. He's that kid starving in his room, the man trapped with a monster, and a being that's hated his mind & body for lifetimes. It's unbearably sad and it should be gut-wrenching.

I'm guessing these changes (maybe more a shuffling) are just for more efficient storytelling. A way to get the viewer from point A to point B of his messy backstory more quickly with the same trauma of bookLestat still intact. What is my point? I don't know. I don't really have one. Mostly I'm just rambling, appreciating the show writers, and I really need new content.

Added a cut because below is a short S3 speculation that may contain spoilers.

Not that anyone asked but I'm leaning toward the idea that they'll have it be when he runs away with the theatre troupe (or just leaves for Paris) as a young adult he never comes home again. That the wolves will happen at some point before that but remain the life-changing catalyst and that the reunion with Nicki will be in Paris. That he will have a longer acting career before Magnus finds him. If that is the way it goes I hope Gabrielle still has a hand in his flight from Auvergne, but we'll see.

[the-box-of-mine]

Melinda and demetrius: splitting and dissociation (part 2)

I was talking in the first part here about Melinda and her splitting episodes. In this part I will talk about the oldest son demetrius.

There's no lie in the fact his appearance was surprising, but also everyone knew that he didn't seem right.

But also he's very mysterious and understanding him is quite a challenge with the very little context we have of him. So let's dive into his character a little.

The unfocused look, very intimidating look, and eyebags under his eyes. Hell yeah, he got freaking 6 stellas and didn't even seem happy about it. He just looked very tired and just wanted to go to rest.

Damian and the rest of the gang approached him, and damian went to congratulate him of his achievement. But it seems that Demetrius looked very intimidating to him so he started to stutter. Demetrius took the lead of the conversation and asked him about his Stella (which indicates that Demetrius is actually looking at the progress Damian does academically, which is the most important aspect of demetrius's life). Normally when asked this type of question, it's normal to say "yeah how did you know?" "Yeah what do you think?". But not damian (my little child seems to struggle)😭, he instantly jumped into "how do you think father would think?" ,which is wrong in different aspects, firstly demetrius is the one who asked about his academics, so it felt very disrespectful to do that. Secondly , knowing how Damian gets annoyed with the girls in his class asking constantly about his father (and he's the second son with less remarkable achievements), I'm sure that Demetrius himself has even worse share in this experience, he doesn't even seem to have friends because he feels in different league, and people either intimidated by him or try to use him to get to his father. Lastly, it's their second time talking to each other in school, and damian still asked him in the same matter (about their father) which really gives an impression that he has nothing to ask about but this. But of course Damian didn't mean that, he's a little child who is trying to reach his family, Demetrius himself seems to have also problems with reaching out to others.

But even then he didn't get mad, even in his mind, he didn't get annoyed at damian, he just swayed away keeping his boundaries without any addition, something that neither Melinda nor Donovan did (imo he still got judged wildly). With one struggling with her emotions and splitting episodes, and deadbeat neglectful dad. Which made me believe that he is the one who has higher chances with having a stable relationship with damian. I talked more about this here but to summarise, demetrius is quite surprisingly patient with damian at most times. Considering their parents and his age too.

Now into his interesting mind, in chapter 93, anya tried reading his mind but got nothing at first, and the things she got was he (I don't understand) questions.

This hit very different seeing chapter 110, when Melinda said Donovan can read mind and even demetrius had been saying that.

A lot of people drew to the conclusion that Demetrius has this habit of blocking his mind since he knew his father can read mind, he restricted himself to not have any thoughts at all, which is very painful to think about, making your child anxious to this point is really a new low truly, donovan.

There had been questions about how this is even achievable, a state of blanked mind of barely any thoughts, Mr green talked a little about it when he was with damian and his friends. But let me explain this more.

What is demetrius doing is very similar to something called "dissociation", it's a state of complete stillness of thoughts, flowing through the stress, you can say it's like putting your mind in an autopilot mode. It's a coping mechanism many people do in response to stress and trauma, and its severity changes from one person to another.

Now it seems very peaceful coping mechanism, but it's a hell itself, it's like getting into a deep hole with, the more you get deeper, the more difficult it's to get out of it. The more time you spend doing it, the more it's hard to keep up with your life and tasks.

I'm pretty sure that if Demetrius had been doing it from a very young age, it means he definitely is having difficulty in keeping his thoughts flowing, and that he is not voluntary and completely controls his mind.

Now, what could happen if someone is dissociating excessively? It leads to many mental disorders and problems. The most insightful of them are (dissociative disorders). The three main disorders are (ranked with severity from lower to higher)

1-Depersonalization/ derealization disorder.

2-dissociative amnesia.

3- dissociative identity disorder (aka called multiple personality disorder in the past but the medical term changed)

Now I'm very sure with the amount of excessive dissociation demetrius expressed (and even indicate he started doing it very early). I'm sure he has derealization disorder, he's very out of touch with himself and feels very separated from his reality ,which is a perfect description of this disorder. I wouldn't be surprised if he had dissociative amnesia, like I wouldn't be surprised if he said he doesn't really remember having dinner with his family in chapter 106 (he really was out of touch and just eating his food, not giving care to the tension felt in that time).

(until now he didn't show any signs of being a system or having DID)

I'm sure he also has different mental struggles other than dissociation, but this one is the clearest one. Him and Melinda showed very clear signs of mental health struggles, I tried to analyse that, I hope that they both heal and get the help they need.

[labyrinthofsphinx]

Do you think Al would actually get jealous at Vox getting closer with his female self? I remember him not being threatened, but since it's another version of himself, do you think he would be?

Anon asked: Alastor doesn't get jealous but he got jealous of Velvette right? Is there a reason for that? What would get Alastor jealous?

You know, those are excellent questions! I guess a little talk about jelly Al:

I might've mentioned it before but part of the reason that Alastor doesn't get jealous of Vox's, um, paramours is that he truly thinks Vox is only really interested in men, namely because he doesn't see him flirt with girls with any serious intent while he's around. It's a cover, a front, and any 'relationship' he could have with them is, to Alastor, based upon an impossible to maintain lie. He is very, very much in the black or white view on sexuality because of the time and place he was raised in. Basically, he's not jealous because he doesn't believe Vox would ever want someone else...which isn't too far off from the truth, if for entirely different reasons.

But there's another side to this, that Alastor has never seen Vox with someone he's had an actual relationship with, man or woman. Alastor is far from the first person that Vox has been in love with, though he's the only one that Vox himself admits finally makes feel like that passion and spark unlike anything and anyone before. But he's had other relationships before. Al's also not around to see Vox with his current paramours. Vox keeps it all behind closed doors and for a very brief time. Al might see them 'flirt' at a party, and maybe head off to a hotel together, but he doesn't see all the little things in between. That, and Vox is always back with him the next day.

This is all a long way to say that Alastor...has never been given a reason to be jealous. He's not threatened by people who he is convinced don't have a shot. He thinks he wouldn't be jealous but, oh boy, is he very, very wrong.

Take Velvette, for example. Kinda teased here, but Vel is someone who Vox has a longstanding business partnership/professional friendship with...who may also be interested in him like that. Professional business partners with benefits kinda deal, and they're both mature enough to just leave it at that.

But to Alastor? Who thinks that you can't have one without the other? Oh, he would get so, so jealous if he ever saw the two of them together. Heck, the kisses were already pushing it beyond acceptable. And he doesn't even realize he is jealous/possessive. And if you asked him, he'd deny it, and say that Vel is a woman so Vox can't love her anyways so what does it matter.

His reaction doesn't always reflect what he's saying ;)

Anyways, Vel loves to poke the bear. Hence, manipulating it to make Alastor jealous on purpose.

But, hypothetically, if there was a guy that caught Vox's eye aside from Al...well, they better start running. He might say he wants Vox to move on, but he both, in the back of his head, doesn't believe it could ever really happen and refuses to have someone take his attention away from him. He would torment anyone who got too close...and he probably wouldn't even realize he was doing it.

As I liked to put it, and in a nebulous way, Vox is Al's, but Al is not Vox's.

Annnnd to get to the female Alastor issue...oh boy, would that be a barrel of 'fun'. So, bluntly? Yes, he would be insanely jealous. Not only because this would be the, in Alastor's view, one and only woman who could catch Vox's eye, but also 'Allie' is a lot more aware and comfortable with herself than Alastor at this point.

'Allie's' been married before, and it wasn't a happy experience. She knows that she doesn't 'want' men in that way, and she doesn't 'want' women in the same way either. She hasn't quite gotten that she's aroace, particularly because there isn't a term at the time for it, but she's already figured out what she's comfortable with and what's too much, both emotionally and physically. Vox, to 'Allie', is just about perfect for her. He knows her boundaries without a word needing to be said. His touch doesn't make her skin crawl. She gets to define what their relationship is at any given point in time. There's no negotiation or trying to 'prove' her affections for him. He can love her without needing anything back, just like her Vee. Except he's a man, so she can even fulfill those little promises of a house with a white fence. If he was in her verse, she'd marry him, 100%. Possibly kids too, depending on her own comfort levels.

And that would drive Alastor up the wall. Because how dare. That's his Vox, and, no, he doesn't not care if they're technically the same person because they aren't the same person and-!

So, yeah, in short? He'd be very, very jealous.

Not that he'd really ever needed to be, because Vox would never do anything with 'Allie' that would make Al uncomfortable. All he'd really need to do, with any potential relationship, is tell Vox that he's uncomfortable with it and that would be that.

To Vox, his (but not his) Alastor will always come first.

(Secretly, Alastor knows that too.)

TLDR: Yes, Alastor would get jealous if there was ever a legitimate 'threat'. 'Allie' qualifies for that too, more than most. He's not usually jealous de facto though. And Vox would end any relationship on the spot the minute Alastor asked him to.

Thanks for the asks!

[ironlamb]

" I WOULD LIKE TO BELIEVE IT IS MUTUAL ." daenya replies with a lofty raise of her chin , her eyes glinting with mischief as they meet his . her smile widens . " although perhaps i am winning ." the jest is light as daenya's eyes crinkle , as she hums a pleased sound at rickon's next words , tilting her head with a light . " you flatter me ." she points to him with a finger . " but you should note that i am the least predictable person you should ever meet too ." or at least she endeavors to be . perhaps not only the least predictable but the most memorable . perhaps not just the most memorable , but the favourite . after all , it is likely rickon will meet a great many people in his lifetime . and where will she land amongst the crowd ? daenya has faith that she is at the very front of it . that she will always be . but it never hurts to be sure . the huff of laughter that daeny releases is warm as she is pulled closer , as her grin widens brightly, as she turns to meet his gaze to say , " perhaps that is what i wish for ." her brows arch cheekily as she meets his gaze , as she leans in to wrap her hands around the bicep of one of his crossed arms to conspiratorially add , " we shall be inseparable . you will be affix to me forever , we will never part ." a glitter of amusement in her eyes as she rests her chin on his shoulder . " i would hope that you might see the appeal in that ." daenya allows herself to be pulled in again without protest . well , not protest at the proximity . she does make a bit of an affronted sound from where her face is buried in his throat , huffing to say , " watch your tongue , i quite like rickon as he is ." she allows herself to be soothed by the closeness for a beat before she pulls back enough to meet his eyes and say , " and the only one permitted to poke at him is me ." she moves to fit their hands together anew , allowing them to be palm to palm as she fidgets with their joint hands . her eyes flick down to where their fingers are lined up before she's adding , " besides , sometimes one needs to be serious ." her tone is lofty , almost sage before she's tipping her head up to playfully meet his eyes again . " so i've heard , at least ."

-

once again as he reaches for her daeny goes easily . the hand on the back of her neck is met with a step forward even as shiver goes up her spine at the touch . her face meets his chest with an inhale that's deep enough to settle her . she turns her head so that her ear is resting against him , so that the warmth of his skin through the fabric is combined with the consistent thrum of his heartbeat . and yet even as daeny finds herself soothed she finds her brows furrowing all the same . " you will not lose me , rickon ." daenya says insistently as she pulls back enough to meet his eyes . her brows furrow for a moment before she's bringing both hands up to cradle his face . her eyes scan his features like she might find answers in them . " ... is that what you think ?" it feels bewildering to daeny . granted , many things in these past few moments have felt so . but perhaps this most of all . " just because you have kissed me does not mean that you will lose me ." daenya says softly , warmly as she meets his eyes . her head shakes the slightest bit to say , " i don't believe we will ever be lost to each other . i mean , not truly ." she would like to believe it at the very least . the hope of that shines in her eyes . " right ?" her features has softened with the words , the furrow between her brows finally easing , smoothing out into something nonexistent . it is with gentle thumbs stroking over his cheekbones that she pushes up onto her toes to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth . she eases back down onto her heels and meets his eyes , her heart still drumming in her chest even as she pulls a hand from his cheek to wave it before his face . " see ?" the slightest huff of laughter . her eyes crinkle with it . " still here ." there's a tenderness in the softening of her voice . she nods as she waves that hand , as she brings it back to his cheek . " not lost at all , even as you have me ." she swallows as their eyes meet once again , as his gaze falls down to what certainly is her lips and she can't help but think that the way he looks at her now feels different . or perhaps it is the same and she has only just noticed it . her heart hammers at the thought , at the question he asks of her . " ... of course ." daeny's head tilts with the words , her eyes flicking over his features , over the line of his gaze . she feels very briefly warm with it . " you needn't ask , truly ." a swallow as she shrugs slightly , as she leans up into him with a truthful , " ... i would have offered ." the words are spoken against his mouth a beat before daeny pushes forward , before she connects their lips with a perhaps uncharacteristic gentleness . there is a moment where she lingers , where she sighs before she is sliding one of the hands on his cheek to the back of his neck , before she's pushing carefully closer .

"You enjoy playing with me, don't you? Perhaps you are the cat, and I the rat..." it is a gentle musing, and his head will shake quick at the mere implication of her following words. They did not hold, not even in jest. "You need not fear such a thing. You are the least predictable person I've ever met, truly." Rickon liked her spontaneity, her freedom, the way she moved from one moment to the next so naturally. He was much different, and yet her own nature made him feel more at ease. With her, he need not constantly worry, or strive to predict the next moment, he could truly forget himself. And he did. For the most part, he did. "You couldn't --" he gasps mockingly at her words, pulling her in slightly closer as his eyes search for hers in spite. "I would stick to your giant shoe like horse manure and haunt you endlessly." he withdraws his hands now, crossing them over his chest with a pout of his own that cracked beneath a held-back smile. And as she fairly points out he'd struggle keeping his hands to himself just as much, he will try not to own up to it too easily. "It is a good thing for the both of us then, that I am Mark and not Rickon. The latter is far too rigid. He would have slept on the floor, like a fool --" he chuckles, stretching his arm behind her neck and over her shoulders to pull her closer in. "I know he is your friend but, he need not be so serious all the time, does he? Not with you, anyway..."

-

The room was heavy with confusion the second he noticed it upon her features. She was trying to understand, he knew she was, and perhaps to an extent she did. Only she didn't. Not truly. Words had failed him, again. It did not seem to worry her, what happens to them from here on out, what happens when they wake up tomorrow, when they leave, when they return home. It did not seem to concern her that she might wish for him sometime, in a manner he could never be. That all of this, whatever this is, she might yet come to regret. Would she? He blinks slightly longer to wash his thoughts of that. 'The rest of your life is — quite far away and I am right in front of you.' Her words cause his features to soften, his anxiety to mellow out and slip away. His breathing to ease. He stood in silence for a moment as his thoughts built upon one another in a poor yet, somewhat successful, attempt to make sense of things. "Aye. So you are." he says at last, and it is quiet and calm and certain. She was, right here, right in front of him. "Come --" hand slips down from her cheek and slides behind her neck to nudge her gently forward so he may hold her tighter against his chest. "You are right. You are..." It took a lot for him to accept that, to truly see that. "Sometimes I -- " he begins -- pulling away just enough so he may find her eyes again. "Sometimes I fear losing things, just as I get them." it had been so his entire life, evident in the way he would refuse to play with new toys in fear of breaking them. In a way he would cling to his brothers the second he saw them again, afraid they might disappear. The way he drew faces, and places, and sights...so he might hold onto them, so he might get to keep them. Rickons fear of losing came hand in hand with the joy of gaining. "I do not wish to be this way, I just...I just am." And that was the truth of it, the very simple and honest truth. The very same truth that often kept him from embracing a moment altogether, same truth that kept him so isolated, so confined, so lonely. "But you are right." he says again, his heart picking up its pace. "You are right here in front of me. And I wish....to forget myself." he leans in then, once more, and this time tomorrow does not exist. "Will you help me?" with the question, eyes will travel south to her lips again, and there he will wait.

[willnotacceptalifeundeserved]

New video (this film is a masterpiece no video can do it justice):

[thefrogdalorian]

I think on this fine Saturday afternoon it's a good opportunity to take a breather and remember that there are really no ethical paparazzi pictures. Every single one is inherently exploitative.

Just because photos were taken on a movie set, when someone is 'working,' does not make the practice any less invasive and creepy. Imagine just going about your day, doing your job and having some weirdo snapping pictures of you to sell without your consent for others to endlessly repost online.

There are thousands of pictures of your favourite actor online already. Plenty taken with his knowledge and consent. I'd really like to see more of them on my dash, rather than the creeper shots.

And don't get me started how disseminating these pictures directly leads to people going to said sets. What starts off as admiring how good someone looks has real world implications.

No, hanging around a movie set and disrupting people doing their jobs is not harmless fun or a way to show your appreciation.

If you hang around a movie set, you are a stalker.

Don't tell me that it's okay to take your online admiration for someone offline. You may admire him but he does not, and will never, personally know you. He will never be your friend/boyfriend/daddy. He is a stranger.

The only way meeting your favourite actor is going to happen is at a convention or maaaaaybe a movie premiere if you're incredibly fortunate. You know, places they appear specifically to meet fans (or not in the case of premieres, where the purpose is to promote a movie. Which is also completely understandable if actors don't stop. You are not owed an interaction).

Of course, you cannot help it if you randomly run into someone you admire in the wild. Even then, consider that they probably won't be all too thrilled to be approached in public by a complete stranger. It's up to you to gauge the situation, but remember there is a person at the heart of all of this.

Boundaries and respect are a kindness which deserves to be extended to each and every human being regardless of their looks/talent/fame/wealth.

Fandoms blur those lines a little too often for my liking and I think just scrutinising what you're interacting with, or what behaviour you could be possibly falling down that slippery slope towards is nice to do every once in a while.

I mean no malice with this post and it is not directed at anyone in particular. It's something I cannot help but feel strongly about because I've seen this destructive cycle time and again in fandoms over the years. It's not healthy and it makes us all a little bit more disconnected from our humanity for it...

[icewindandboringhorror]

I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

[rotisseries]

everyone debates about elmike like oh they're the best of friends no they would never hang out on their own they don't even know each other, when the true answer, much like everything else about them, is that there is so so much and also nothing at all

[goldentigerfestival]

if there is one thing i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that we'll never ever know the story behind transgressor yuri.

if there are two things i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that leon and aegis' loyal friendship will never ever return.

[thawragiya]

Another friendly reminder that Hamas only carried out oct7 to free the thousands of palestinians held hostage in Israeli prisons, and even though we've always had human rights organizations attest to the abuse taking place inside, we now have even more undeniable proof to the fact that those prisons are nothing more than torture facilities.

Do remember this did not start on October 6th/7th that was a retaliatory attack after 74 YEARS of genocide. this has absolutely been the deadliest year but it is not the first year of genocide or occupation by any means and that attack never would’ve happened if it weren’t for nearly a century of occupation and genocide

[shadesofmauve]

I want to step away from the art-vs-artist side of the Gaiman issue for a bit, and talk about, well, the rest of it. Because those emotions you're feeling would be the same without the art; the art just adds another layer.

Source: I worked with a guy who turned out to be heavily involved in an international, multi-state sex-slavery/trafficking ring.

He was really nice.

Yeah.

It hits like a dumptruck of shit. You don't feel stable in your world anymore. How could someone you interacted with, liked, also be a truly horrible person? How could your judgement be that bad? How can real people, not stylized cartoon bogeymen, be actually doing this shit?

You have to sit with the fact that you couldn't, or probably couldn't, have known. You should have no guilt as part of this horror — but guilt is almost certainly part of that mess you're feeling, because our brains do this associative thing, and somehow "I liked [the version of] the guy [that I knew]", or his creations, becomes "I made a horrible mistake and should feel guilty."

You didn't, loves, you didn't.

We're human, and we can only go by the information we have. And the information we have is only the smallest glimpse into someone else's life.

I didn't work closely with the guy I knew at work, but we chatted. He wasn't just nice; he was one of the only people outside my tiny department who seemed genuinely nice in a workplace that was rapidly becoming incredibly toxic. He loaned me a bike trainer. Occasionally he'd see me at the bus stop and give me a lift home.

Yup. I was a young woman in my twenties and rode in this guy's car. More than once.

When I tell this story that part usually makes people gasp. "You must feel so scared about what could have happened to you!" "You're so lucky nothing happened!"

No, that's not how it worked. I was never in danger. This guy targeted Korean women with little-to-no English who were coerced and powerless. A white, fluent, US citizen coworker wasn't a potential victim. I got to be a person, not prey.

Y'know that little warning bell that goes off, when you're around someone who might be a danger to you? That animal sense that says "Something is off here, watch out"?

Yeah, that doesn't ping if the preferred prey isn't around.

That's what rattled me the most about this. I liked to think of myself as willing to stand up for people with less power than me. I worked with Japanese exchange students in college and put myself bodily between them and creeps, and I sure as hell got that little alarm when some asian-schoolgirl fetishist schmoozed on them. But we were all there.

I had to learn that the alarm won't go off when the hunter isn't hunting. That it's not the solid indicator I might've thought it was. That sometimes this is what the privilege of not being prey does; it completely masks your ability to detect the horrors that are going on.

A lot of people point out that 'people like that' have amazing charisma and ability to lie and manipulate, and that's true. Anyone who's gotten away with this shit for decades is going to be way smoother than the pathetic little hangers-on I dealt with in university. But it's not just that. I seriously, deeply believe that he saw me as a person, and he did not extend personhood to his victims. We didn't have a fake coworker relationship. We had a real one. And just like I don't know the ins-and-outs of most of my coworkers lives, I had no idea that what he did on his down time was perpetrate horrors.

I know this is getting off the topic, but it's so very important. Especially as a message to cis guys: please understand that you won't recognize a creep the way you might think you will. If you're not the preferred prey, the hind-brain alarm won't go off. You have to listen to victims, not your gut feeling that the person seems perfectly nice and normal. It doesn't mean there's never a false accusation, but face the fact that it's usually real, and you don't have enough information to say otherwise.

So, yeah. It fucking sucks. Writing about this twists my insides into tense knots, and it was almost a decade ago. I was never in danger. No one I knew was hurt!

Just countless, powerless women, horrifically abused by someone who was nice to me.

You don't trust your own judgement quite the same way, after. And as utterly shitty as it is, as twisted up and unstead-in-the-world as I felt the day I found out — I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

I think we all need to question our own judgement. It makes us better people.

I don't see villains around every corner just because I knew one, once. But I do own the fact that I can't know, really know, about anyone except those closest to me. They have their own full lives. They'll go from the pinnacles of kindness to the depths of depravity — and I won't know.

It's not a failing. It's just being human. Something to remember before you slap labels on people, before you condemn them or idolize them. Think about how much you can't know, and how flawed our judgement always is.

Grieve for victims, and the feeling of betrayal. But maybe let yourself off the hook, and be a bit slower to skewer others on it.

[longagoitwastuesday]

Found Gojo/Ijichi art. All is good in the world

[unproduciblesmackdown]

lavender marriage / beard for the soulmate or timeloop au

[aberooski]

I love Taylor. I always have and to some degree I always will. She means too much to me and is such an important figure and source of joy and light in my life when I desperately needed, and a connection to my own father that I need desperately, to deny that I will always look on her fondly to some degree as silly as that may seem sometimes and to some people.

But that doesn't mean I don't/won't/can't be critical of her or be disappointed or disagree with choices she makes or has made, because I absolutely have been and I absolutely am.

My problem is that I always, with every fiber of my being, look for and try to see the best in people and believe in people until I absolutely can't anymore. Unless it's something truly reprehensible and irredeemable, my brain simply cannot comprehend the idea that one bad decision or mistake trust me I know she's made more than one lately can automatically invalidate or negate anything and everything good a person has ever done. I've genuinely tried to understand it and unfortunately, I can't wrap my head around the concept. I give grace to a fault. I get sad when I see things said about her in a negative light even when I completely understand and even agree, because I have so much love for her in my heart. It's that tride and true naive, blind optimism in me I guess.

But I do not in any way think she's a perfect person, I know she isn't, because nobody is. Some are just better at hiding that than others. She makes mistakes, she's wrong sometimes, she is a human being who messes up. Sometimes in big ways. And unfortunately she's messed up a few times over the last year or so and that makes me sad. It disappoints me because I love her so much, and I do want and expect better of her. And in the process of that, it makes me very sad that I feel like I have to hide the facet of myself that does still love her despite my disappointment in her or risk making people upset with me now because I'm so afraid of upsetting people. I'm terrified of doing or saying the wrong things I try so hard to do the best I can every day and it's disappointing to see her slip up. It's sad. It makes me very sad.

It's a complicated time to love her right now. I hope, in my heart of hearts, I sincerely hope that sooner rather than later it won't have to be that way anymore. Not just for me, but for all of us who feel that complexity or conflict of emotions.

[nyancrimew]

saw a meme basically going 'which hacker is gonna step up and wipe away all this student loan debt, morgages, etc.' and was curious as I have very little logistical knowledge of both! What stops you from going "hmmmm I think ill go into a banks records today and start going crazy" on a day to day basis?

people say this stuff all the time because somehow hacking is the one skill where it's expected of you that as soon as you know any of it you can do literally everything, when really that response of "why aren't they doing X instead of smaller hack/hack i vaguely disagree with/hack for money (TO SURVIVE)" is basically the same thing as going up to a random protestor on the street and asking them why they haven't taken over the white house yet.

all forms of resistance require patience and while i wish i could just sit down and when i get up from the computer again the world is perfect that just isn't how the world works. hacktivists (and hackers in general) have had massive positjve material impacts over the last decades and just because the specific thing you want them to do hasn't happened yet doesn't mean we don't want to do that.

and as for why loan forgiveness hacks aren't really a thing, financial hacks are extremely hard, at this point it's basically impossible to steal money from a bank you hack without having to hack a whole number of them, and to truly get rid of something like debt which is info there is tons of copies and backups of is a monumental task which requires massive amounts of stealth and access that no one person alone could pull off and is incredibly risky. computer crime alone is already one of the most harshly policed areas to do activism in and financial crimes would only make it worse and basically impossible not to end up in jail forever.