#truly a good example of how many hopes and dreams i had as a child like that was the 1 goal of my life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mbti-notes · 19 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hello, I hope this finds you well (since I don't really know how to use Tumblr).

Female, 19 y/o. I'd like to request a type confirmation for INFJ.

My type assessment may be difficult because:

1) I have been "sheltered" all my life and lack experience, so I don't know if I could truly give satisfactory examples.

2) I used to blame myself for not being like my family members and came to dislike my type, whatever it is. Reading your blog helped me realize that I should never try to be them and accept who I am though, but there's still a long way to go till I reach proper self-acceptance.

3) Due to that, I'm pretty much sure that my functions are both unhealthy and immature.

4) English is not my first language. Although I have little to no trouble reading fiction in English, reading your blog had me looking for my dictionary 95% of time. I'm still not sure whether I understood what you wrote or not.

Dominant Ni

Whenever I hear Ni associated with purpose, I always wonder whether I have Ni or not. The first image I have of such a strong sense of purpose is that of a kid who has always known they wanted to be a doctor and grew up to become one. I never had such a clear image in my mind. Or should I say, I used to have one: I didn't want to work in any particular field, but I have always aspired to be like my mom and my sister.

Now though, I think the whole idea of child-doctor doesn't capture what purpose is. To me, most of the things I do and enjoy have some kind of purpose, as silly as it may sound: I crochet to make myself the plush toys I couldn't find when I was a kid, I chose a major I was originally uninterested in because I realized it could help me in the future, I try to turn my ideas/feelings into stories to give them more concrete form and make them more explainable… Purpose in my life is what makes what I'm doing worthwhile: making good memories to look back at in the future, adding that to my life experiences, acting according to what my inspiration once said, learning a new skill to apply in my other hobbies, etc…

Maybe everyone does that, I don't know. All I know is that everything I do must have some kind of meaning to it. Otherwise, I would feel lost and not see a reason to continue anymore. If it drags on for too long, I would become an empty shell of myself and would literally stop functioning until I find a new meaning to what I'm doing again.

I would often daydream about how things would turn out great. Those imageries are what push me to pursue something (or avoid something if I imagined bad scenarios, but that only happens when I'm stressed). The problem is, when things don't turn out as I expected, I feel… disappointed? No, that word is too light. Crushed maybe.

I rarely completely abandon an idea, I would just find another way or another time to make it come true. For all my hopes and dreams that I can't realize at this very moment, I have learnt to put them "on hold", with the promise that one day, when I am in a better position/situation, I will get back to them and work for them.

If I had to describe my mind, it would be like a cobweb: everything seems to be interconnected in a way that may not be evident to everyone else (for example how a panda is associated to China, that one anime character, that one actor, that one time we were asked to name an animal in class and I answer panda, how the black and white colors and the chinese aspect reminds me of the yin and yang, etc). There was a time when I believed everyone thought like that, until my sister pointed out that I "think too much".

People, especially my sister, always tell me that I think too much, am too serious, unrealistic, too intense, a perfectionist and a lot of other things listed in the Ni dominant characteristics.

Inferior Se

Ni extremes

Oftentimes, I would rather stay in my own little bubble or my own imagination than putting myself out there. I have so many ideas but rarely ever turn them into reality (I either lack motivation or feel that just having the idea is enough to make me happy). People close to me would often point out or even criticize that lack of action of mine, saying that what good are my ideas if I don't even realize them.

I also see no point in engaging with shows, songs or whatever is trendy with people around me. I mean, it could help me strike a conversation with them but I just don't want to waste my time on something that I know won't even interest me. Quite hypocritical because I want people to try my interests so that we could talk about it. So yeah, missing good opportunities checks out too I guess.

Loss of normal and healthy dominant Ni functioning

Before I chose my current major, I wanted to do Psychology. But then my family didn't really support my decision, because (to only cite a few) not only was there no proper psych university in my country but it was also hard (almost impossible even) to find a job related to it here. As time went by, I started questioning my whole choices while blaming myself for not realizing those problems sooner, my mind felt like an chaotic mess, I didn't know what else to do, where to go. Choosing psych felt meaningless, yet choosing another major seemed meaningless too. My future just seemed… dark? inexistent? unfulfilling? (I got better anyway but that was still one of the darkest period of my life even though it only lasted about 2 weeks)

Although there are only rare occasions where it got that bad, whenever my ideals are dashed by the harsh reality I was blind to, I would go through a similar (but less heightened) process of succumbing to darkness (I don't know if that's the word)

Se grip tendencies

There is one bad habit I picked when I was twelve, but knowing me it probably started even earlier but I don't remember. It's just that the year I was twelve was one of the most memorable period of my life because it sucked. Back then, I was thrown into an environment with no one I knew, so I was destabilized.

I was too afraid to approach other people and fooled myself into thinking that they probably didn't want to be friends with me, that they were jealous of me, or other things like that (just because they weren't the same "type" of people as me). Back then, I decided that I wasn't going to befriend anyone and instead spent my whole time drawing and reading (it made me forget my situation but also made it look like I was busy). Despite my big talks about nit wanting friends, I watched many cartoons about friendship at home.

Back then, if my family even dared suggesting anything that defied my way of thinking, I would lash out, yell, fight, get on the defensive… In short: I'll become aggressive. I would often wonder if throwing/breaking things would help me calm down, but in the end I never do (I can't bring myself to).

Even now, whenever I'm in a new environment, I have a urge to isolate myself like that and merge with my pencil and paper. But I know I'll regret it even more, so I don't.

Working in a group that doesn't meet my standards stresses me out. Especially when we start running out of time and there's nothing substantial that has been done. All little details would assault my mind: the grammatical errors, the forgotten commas, the titles that do not have the same style / font / font size, the poor color choice… If the stress is too much, I would 1) confront my group members and maybe yell a them (which I never do) or 2) not give a fuck (sorry for the language) about the project and the group anymore and just do whatever I want like watching movies, going on library dates with my sister, etc.

Auxiliary Fe

Resisting Fe

I already said before, but there are times, especially when meeting new people in a new environment, when I can't get close to others and even avoid them so that I'm not reminded of my poor social skills. I would sometimes think that they're judging me, so I avoid them even more, when in truth people most likely don't care about me at all since I do nothing to make myself worth remembering. It creates a pattern of wanting to get close to people, fearing negative judgement, avoiding them, and so on. That was my way of protecting myself from society's "harms".

Overindulging Fe

I care too much about what people think, so much that I want to avoid doing everything that might make unlikable. I once felt like people did not like me for always being the top of the grade because it looked like I was boasting. At the same time, I thought they would ridicule me if I failed to be the top student. It also made me link my self-worth with my academic results. I'll stop here because I don't think anyone wants to what how self-concious I am of everyone's gaze.

Healthy Fe

My Fe is not that healthy, if it was I wouldn’t be so prone to Ti-loops. However, there had been some improvements from before. I'm still uncomfortable during first meetings and talk little (or not at all), but I have learnt not to stay as passive the second day: I would engage conversations with other people and it would always be gratifying. I stopped to think (or at least try to remind myself) that people are unlikely to hate me from the first meeting or whatever dark thoughts I entertained at first.

I am able to be genuine around people, and it finally feels like I truly "belong" because they like me for who I am.

Tertiary Ti

Chronic Fe underdevelopment

As I said before, I fear how people see me. I would feel too self-concious about my weaknesses, causing me to feel inferior to others (in terms of socializing, but also at being realistic). You would see me do many researches to somehow compensate with my lack of knowledge and such, because I don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't know anything.

Many times, I do not even realize my negative feelings, so I don't do anything about them. That was the case of me not realizing I wanted human connection back then.

There are also those times when I feel like everyone judges me all the time (I know it's irrational)

Ti loop

Well, I'm pretty much sure that everything I said before already have addressed Ti loop: me denying needing friends, me blaming others for being too different / not genuine so we could never be friends, the fallacies in my logic, overthinking, relying on my grades to define my self-worth, etc.

Most of these problems are problems I still face regularly, and I have to make a conscious effort not to fall into the same old pattern again.

I also apologize for not comparing two types at least. I did try to but I could never find anything to write except for the (unhealthy) INFJ stack.

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Generally speaking, if you have examined all 16 types and no type seems to fit better, you've probably got the right answer. Everything aligns quite well with the INFJ stack. Nothing you've raised leads me to have any serious doubts.

#infj #assessment #ask

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oceansprompts · 11 months ago

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marvel's midnight suns | misc quotes 4

Thank you for not making a bigger deal about my arrival…

I don’t think I can properly express my relief…

In truth, I’ve been in survival mode…

I do not believe in many of the common dark magics…

A risk is not a risk if it does not hold the potential for regret.

Well, for example, some species of bats can fly at speeds of up to 100 miles…

I’m sorry. I’m a bit on edge because I haven’t eaten in awhile.

No. And, for the record, I don’t sleep in a coffin just because I’m a vampire.

I know what it’s like to feel suffocated by a disease….

I was fifteen when I found out my mother was Capital “E” Evil.

I want to throw her a surprise party, but I can’t do it alone.

Pisses me off so much, I could scream.

Don’t bother. Kinda just want to be left alone.

And since chaos magic is a helluva lot more powerful…

But, poof, here this was… waiting for me.

You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the first case of corruption in recorded history.

I’ve already lost enough people I care about.

You, uh, reunited our twisted little family…

You ever miss people from your past?

So, it’s time for them to move over and let the kids take the reins.

Maybe a somewhat dysfunctional family with a ton of issues to work through…

I feel called out. Figured since your mom is the Mother of Demons and all…

They make me feel like a child sometimes, but you don’t, so, like, thanks.

It’s something I make all my friends watch with me.

Anyway we’ll get some more quality one-on-one time. It’s a little retro…

Like why have a kid if you’re going to get rid of them…

Okay, I think that you think that I’m one of those good people, right…

How can you be sure that I’m not, you know, evil?

I’ll spare you the sappy stuff, but you’ve climbed to the top…

She’ll never forget how her favorite cartoon characters showed up as exotic dancers. Nor will she ever forgive me.

Of all the changes you’ve had to deal with, at least the music is better.

Meh. That requires effort.

That you were a godlike hero walking the earth, single-handedly holding back the forces of evil.

But what if I hurt you?

Sorry, I… I don’t feel like myself.

Is it weird that I think she’s going to be waiting for me in my dreams…

Forgot how relaxing it is to just zone out and watch a good movie after a long day of battle.

I mean, it was just a dream, right?

It’s all destroyed now, along with these poor peoples’ lives.

Of course I’d like to know more, but I trust you’re doing the best you can.

Instead I’m just… Numb. I’m starting to feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty.

But I still wonder if I truly belong, you know?

It’s not all magic wands and midnight margaritas.

I dunno. There’s so much to be happy about right now. You pick.

I wonder what they would say if they saw me now, saw who I grew up to be.

Wasn’t exactly the popular kid, if you know what I mean.

I’m not so sure you want to know… or I want to tell you.

So, I’m setting it in ink, because I never want to forget how you took a chance on me.

I feel like I can trust myself again…

With all these people, it’s not crowded, exactly. It certainly feels more alive.

For a moment, nothing. Then she burst out laughing and opened the door. We have been close ever since.

A collection of DVDs. I know it’s irrational to want them back, but I can’t stop thinking about them.

It shouldn’t be this easy. I always pictured a gulf between us.

Well, I never thought I could replace you. I wanted you to know.

I figured if I was going to be teaming up with this group, I ought to up my game. Sound more…I dunno…scary.

Sorry, the mask’s gotta stay on. I hope that’s not gonna make things weird between us.

I mean, I can’t shoot laser beams, light my skull on fire or glow like the sun…

Maybe I’ll use the Forge to bake a loaf of sourdough…

No, I mean helping him turn his life around. The way real heroes are supposed to.

Alien-possessed architecture gives me the extra creeps.

#roleplay memes #rp sentence meme #sentence meme #sentence starters #roleplay

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nerdygaymormon · 2 years ago

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I've been at odds with my parents since coming out and only recently have been able to make progress with my mom as far as understanding and empathy. Sometimes I get a step forward but usually very quickly end up hitting a brick wall for a net zero sum. I spoke with her recently about how I believe the Apostles are flawed beings just like the rest of us and can hold biases and prejudices that carry into their teachings and church policies. I was rebuked in response and was told that that is an apostasizing attitude and if our leaders truly said/did something untrue of God then they would be removed immediately. This came after a long discussion about Holland's "musket" speech and it frustrates and hurts me to see them shrug off his words and the hurt it brought as just being a "metaphor" and "heavenly truth". If you have any thoughts or advice, it'd be appreciated.

From your parents' point of view, church and their family were a perfect fit. Their dreams and hopes for you were/are tied up with church.

You coming out is at odds with how they understood the gospel. It's a process for them. With each step forward you take to discover and express the part of you that you hid in the closet, for them it is another step that creates dissonance they have to reconcile.

I think there should be a conversation that includes the goal is for us to understand each other. I want to be open and authentic with you, and I truly want to understand your viewpoints and where you're coming from. I think for that to happen, we can't judge or dismiss the other person's feelings.

If I say that Elder Holland's "musket" speech hurt me and here's why, that is important to me. It may seem like not a big deal to you and even seems inciteful. We can each try to understand why the other views it that way.

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I am frustrated on your behalf that your parents expressed the idea that the apostles can't make mistakes because God wouldn't allow it. That robs our leaders of the opportunity to be authentic and real with church members, it robs them of the opportunity to learn and progress. It seems so contrary to the way God works.

There are many examples in the scriptures of apostles getting things wrong, disagreeing with each other. They also learn & grow. They aren’t denied their humanity.

There's many things we once did as a church that we changed. Do they really think it was God's will to deny priesthood & temple blessings to Black members? They are correct in that if you aren't allowed to question the apostles then it's unlikely a person will fall away from the church, but that's to deny yourself the use of your agency, intelligence, and reasoning. That's not how we learn & grow

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You might suggest your parents read the Mackintosh's story. It's on the church's website, so that should give it some extra credibility with your parents. If they respond positively to that, they can get the book Love Boldly: Embracing Your LGBTQ Loved Ones and Your Faith by Becky Mackintosh.

I think their story is good for parents for several reasons. The Mackintoshes were initially uncomfortable when their son came out as gay, but prayed and got the answer to love him. They eventually became comfortable with the knowledge they had a gay child. With each step their son took, whether it was dating or changing his beliefs, it was hard for the Mackintoshes, and each time the answer was to love their child.

The Mackintoshes couldn't make their child not be gay, couldn't stop him from dating or changing his beliefs, that was not in their control. Their child is an adult and gets to make decisions for his life. What was in their control is how they would respond, whether they would continue to invite their son to be part of their life or to exclude him. By being willing to understand their son and acknowledge he gets to make choices for his own life, they are able to maintain a healthy relationship.

I think many parents in the church view being a good parent as their child checked off all the boxes--baptized, mission, temple marriage, and so on. That's a mindset that hard to set aside. But in reality, a parent does a great job when they prepare their children for life, raise them to be kind, helps their child develop their talents, and be a good person.

Another part of being a successful parent is allowing your adult children to be adults. Be there for advice, be there to support and encourage them, celebrate their milestones. Being friends with your children is a tremendous reward and too many parents miss out on that because they can't adjust in their role as their children grow up.

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I know it's not easy. I am not able to have honest conversations with my parents about my life and so we have a superficial relationship. We love each other but for my own well being I no longer discuss a number of topics with them. I wish it wan't like that, but they aren't willing to accept I have different opinions and experiences from them.

I don't share with them about the conversations I have with apostles & Seventies, I don't share with them about being on podcasts or having my words printed in books. I also didn't share with them about being suicidal and going to therapy and the things I learned. They are willing to be supportive in certain areas, and so that's where I keep our relationship and they miss out on the rest.

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afflatusmiqo · 1 year ago

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hgggh

I finished Assassin's Fate last night and I really wish I had someone to talk it over with.

I wish I could remember everything from the last 15 books that might be relevant for interpreting everything.

The circumstances were really horrific. I wonder if the author had to put the Traitor's Death in there just so we would know that it was really, truly, actually the end this time. (At least, the end for Fitz as we knew him.) When the Fool said his death would not be fast, I had a glimmer of hope that he would have more years with Bee.

tbh it was as happy an ending as I could have expected -- everyone who loved Fitz coming to be with him; he and Nighteyes and the Fool becoming complete. (I just wish it could have happened later!)

Like many people, I've been trying to figure out what Bee's last lie was that so impressed the Wolf (who I'm assuming is mostly Nighteyes, but idk there), and which father he is comparing her to.

If the father that the Wolf refers to is Fitz: well, Fitz is best at lying to himself, particularly about whether people really love him. So perhaps she was lying about not wanting the Fool to stay with her as a father figure, or about not wanting Nettle and Riddle to adopt her. Neither of these seem very consistent to me.

(I don't think she's telling the truth when she says that she's fine on her own, though.)

I see several people online saying that they think the lie was that Fitz loved Beloved over everyone else, implying that Beloved needed to be loved "the most" to give himself up for Fitz. I don't think that's something the Wolf would find amusing anyway - it's not a very clever lie.

Yes, I do think Fitz wants the Fool to be with him and Nighteyes forever in the Stone Wolf and the Skill Stream, as one being, which is, a pretty enormous kind of love. I do think he truly wants to be with Bee, too, but he definitely does not want Bee to lose her mortal life or to stop being her own person. As a reader, I think it's a bit mean for that to be a "true" ordering over people Fitz loved, although I totally understand why Bee (and Nettle) would feel that way especially at the time.

(OTOH, there really is no one else Fitz thinks about the way he thinks about the Fool.. honestly, it's just too sad for me to think about Fitz having truly failed Bee.)

Perhaps the lie is that she ever *did* lie about one of the things she said to hurt Beloved. I think she may have lied that she *didn't* have a dream about the black and white rat leaping away from the "thing that used to be a man." The details seem too accurate for her to not have dreamed them. Perhaps she did write down a true dream in the first place, but realized that she could avert that outcome by lying that she dreamed it. Or, maybe the rat didn't jump away, and that's the part she lied about.

Earlier in the book, just before she tells Beloved about her father's letter excoriating him, the narration says "An omission is as good as a lie". I'm not sure if the omission is hers (something about the letter) or Beloved's. As in: if he won't reveal anything to her about himself, she'll give him a lie in exchange, because she's a very hurt child. I do think it's entirely possible that Fitz wrote a letter somewhat like the one she describes. We saw a few examples of heartbroken love letters from Fitz to Fool back in Fool's Assassin. In particular, I'm remembering one where he says he's not going to give up on his daughter to go off on a wild goose chase for the Fool's son (oops). Bee's lie may have been (1) to omit all of the *other* letters he wrote (his love letters), (2) that he didn't burn it (there's a chapter intro near the end of AF referring to a burned letter), (3) something else in the letter.

Tangentially, I've also been wondering about how related the White Prophets are to dragons. When trying to explain to Bee how he could be her father, Beloved drew an analogy with Heeby and Rapskal. Beloved's haughtiness really does resemble the dragons that we've met in some ways, but his love is more like a human love, I think. (iirc he was the one who said that the Liveships would be a new kind of dragon because they also had the memories of humans)

#rote spoilers #assassin's fate

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brumeraven · 1 year ago

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💢: The One Who Made Angels || guilt, angels, mech pilots, parents?

"Heroes." That was what people called them.

"Saviors." They lined up on balconies to clap and cheer.

"Guardian Angels." Words muttered from lips fervent, tremorous, hopeful. Prayers offered up from dim underground shelters, each muffled explosion raising dust and another paean.

They were close with that last.

When the Beasts first attacked, we'd tried dolls. Giant, mechanical things that bristled with silver and steel, gleaming marvels of modern achievement, striding examples of man's conceit and the distant disregard of technological progress.

But no matter how thick the armor plating, how sincere the benedictions, the Beasts tore through it all as if paper, the wavering purposelessness of combat dolls brushed aside like so many desperate apologies frantically offered up to uncaring ears.

No, it was Halos we'd needed, shining fields of sanctity, burning spears of holy resolve. Vessels of hope. Faith would keep them fighting long after their mechanical bodies should have failed. In order to fight demons, we made the Seraphs, to keep safe the throne of man.

Even now, I listened to their prayers. I saw the hopes and dreams of the people manifest in the tiny fluctuations of power draw on the monitors. I heard chants concordant with each harmonious beam the Seraphs fired, vile recriminations at each discordant scream from the Beasts.

It was all in my head, of course. Thousands of kilometers of vacuum lay between my ears and the battlegrounds below, and the audio feeds were limited to pilots and their handlers.

Besides, the adjuncts and technicians in the room knew better than to turn any of them on anymore.

Even the video feeds had been phased out at this point in the program, our situational awareness reduced to the cold impartiality of numbers.

None of it helped.

Every battle brought the memories. Every idle moment. Every space between breaths. Every dark night between blinks.

When the Beast finally fell, when the after-action report made its way across my desk, I still knew how to read between the lines.

"Shear damage to bulkheads T7-T9."

I heard the screams that had echoed off the porcelain walls of the control pod, though none had listened.

"Armor degloving of left forelimb. Flexor servos damaged."

I remembered the look on her face as I'd taken hold of her small hand. Fear, as I'd led her away from her mother. Hope, that this new life could be better than the one she'd known.

Hope was powerful. Exploitable.

"Operating temperature limits exceeded for 117 seconds. Core slagging at 17% after inactivation."

I knew the pilot's throat had been raw from sobbing as they cut through the fused hatch and pulled him from the wreckage.

"Intermittent containment failures recorded. Halo field integrity at 76% of optimal."

Mine had cracked and shattered years ago.

The screen before me chimed, and I hesitated. A small indulgence, this. The only hesitation I'd ever allowed myself, that moment of knowing that what was coming next was the part of the job I truly abhorred. The part of myself I reviled, for which there could be no absolution.

I exhaled slowly and accepted the call, watched the child's blank eyes light up as I came into view. Desquamation had set in already; necrosis would be next, but he'd live a few years more with treatment. It would have been kinder if the Beast had killed him. For the both of us.

I stared at the screen, fingers steepled in silent prayer to a god I didn't believe in. God didn't exist, but damnation did.

He waited in silence, too weak to lift his head but clinging to consciousness, lips quivering as if awaiting permission to smile.

In order to fight monsters, I'd had to make angels.

I looked down, assuming the appropriate air of indifference, a distance I wished I could feel inside.

In order to make angels, I'd had to become a monster.

I opened my mouth, trying and failing to force the words out.

But even monsters did their duty.

"Good job. I'm proud of you."

~💢

#empty spaces #microfiction #angelposting #guilt #angels #mech pilots #parents #fiction #writing

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ourlittledinosaur · 7 years ago

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6 Reasons I Am Thankful

New Post has been published on http://ourlittledinosaur.com/6-reasons-i-am-thankful/

6 Reasons I Am Thankful

Thanksgiving is Quickly Approaching

I began this evening writing out a different post. I paused to put my son to bed. (He had been playing hard and giggling lots with his Daddy.) As he nursed quietly in the dark, I felt him relax and I knew he was asleep. That relaxing has become so familiar to me now, but it wasn’t always.

Before reading tonight’s Bible passages, I opened up the Prime Photo App on my phone. Every day, the app will feature all the pictures from prior years. This has become something my husband and I do daily, and then we chat about it. “Hey, did you see this picture from 2009?”

Hard Times

I browsed through the pictures quickly, really noting the ones from this day last year. It was a really difficult time for our new, little family.

My son was not gaining weight, but growing in length, and was looking….well, he looked like a starving baby. He didn’t have the precious, chunky baby fat that most full-term babies have. He was very thin. These pictures are so hard to look back at, but still I scrolled through them. This day last year is definitely the worst my son ever looked…

At the time, I didn’t recognize by looking at him that he wasn’t well. He was just my beautiful baby boy whom I love so, so, so much.

Come Before His Presence with Thanksgiving

After looking over these pictures, I opened up the Bible app on my phone and saw the featured verse:

“Oh come, let us sing to the LORD! Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is the great God, And the great King above all gods.” Psalm 95: 1-2

That’s when I decided my post for this evening needed to be different.

I am so thankful for my son. I’m thankful for his health. Today, I watched him eat porridge and blueberries for breakfast, eggs with cheese, and apple for lunch, and squash and peas for dinner, not to mention he still breastfeeds throughout the day and night like a champ. I’m so thankful that we don’t have to watch him struggle to eat…struggle to live. I’m thankful for his smile and his laugh and for the awesome privilege of watching him learn something new almost every single day.

After I finished my Bible reading for the night, I set my phone down, and lifted my sleeping son onto my shoulder and hugged him as I do every night. I’ll admit, I hugged him a little closer and a little longer than I do most nights. I’m just so glad he’s in my life. I’m so thankful I have the privilege of being his Mommy, and getting to share this journey of life at the side of my husband.

6 Reasons I Am Thankful

We all have many things to be grateful for, but it can be easy to lose sight of our blessings, when we lose perspective on what our hope is. Our hope is in the Lord.

Although, it is not exhaustive, here is a list of 6 reasons I am thankful.

I am thankful for my husband. This man is incredible. He was incredible before I could call him “mine”. He’s extremely intelligent and loves to dig for the truth in God’s Word. He loves the Lord. He is a wonderful father. It is such a joy to see him guide our son, even at such a young stage of life. He is an amazing husband, a true leader in our home, and the love of my life. He is an encourager. He is a visionary, who makes our dreams into plans so they can become a reality. I am thankful for his love.

I am thankful for my son. I know I already wrote this, but truly, this child is so precious to me. He brings me such joy, and forces me to be a better person just in the very fact that I have to be a good example for him in everything I do and say because he is watching and learning. He is smart. He is healthy. He is strong. He is willful. He is cuddly and learning to be affectionate. I can already see signs of empathy in him as he is sensitive to how other babies feel. I am so thankful I get to watch him grow up!

I am thankful for our health. Although, I don’t always do what I need to do to take care of my body as God would have me to, I have been blessed with good health. My husband and son have too. I am doing what I can to learn about keeping our bodies strong and healthy, so that we can honor God with what he has given us. Our bodies are a gift and we need to take care of them, rather than abuse them.

I am thankful for our home. This one can be difficult for me sometimes because I have to catch myself when I begin to complain about it. Since moving to the apartment this past summer, I have really missed our house. I have missed the giant sink that actually held all my dirty dishes. I have missed our backyard, and the space, and our neighbors. But I am thankful for this home. It is more than sufficient as a safe, comfortable roof over our head. We have a lot more in this apartment than many other people, and we need to be thankful for it, even when it lacks what our larger home did. This apartment has encouraged us to do so much we needed to do, to include purging STUFF. We have so much stuff we do NOT need, and living in a smaller space has helped us let go of a lot of extra, unneeded, and truly unwanted stuff. It has forced us to be creative in our gardening. We wasted a lot of good soil in our yard and working with a small space has helped us appreciate what we will do when we have more land again. Most importantly, it pushes us to work towards our goals – the very reason we moved here in the first place: to save more money than we could have in our house.

I am thankful for time with my family. Living closer to my husband’s work cut my husband’s commute by over an hour. This helps us save money on gas and car maintenance, but most importantly, it has enabled us to spend more time together. Not only is my husband home longer in the mornings before he leaves for work, but he also is home much earlier. AND as a bonus, a couple times a week, he comes home for lunch, which is such a sweet treat for both my son and me.

I am thankful for God’s gift of salvation and His Word. God has blessed me with all of the above, and so much more than I can mention. Even if I had none of the aforementioned blessings, I would still be abundantly blessed in the Lord. To know God and be covered by His grace is a gift more incredible than anything. God loves me. Wow! Jesus sacrificed His very life so that I may live forever with Him one day in His kingdom. All my wrongdoings have been forgiven. In Christ, I find my joy, and the “peace that passes all understanding” – a peace that cannot be found apart from him. This is what I am most thankful for. It is a privilege to be able to study the scriptures with my husband, and pass this knowledge on to my son as we guide him through life. This is what I consider our greatest responsibility.

So, what about you?

Have you been taking the blessings of life for granted? What are you most thankful for?

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.” 1 Chronicles 16:34

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#Breastfeeding #Fed is Best #Gardening #Parenthood #Teaching and Guiding our Children

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incendiobrock · 3 years ago

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Pranked You ;) {Colby Brock}

Request: Hello sweetie! I was wondering if you could do a story where the reader and Colby aren't dating YET but there is yah know, chemistry and tension. But one day sam decided to pull a prank on Colby and it involved EVERYONE. So basically he makes it seem like he woke up in a different world or something where stuff is different. For example: him and reader are dating (you can choose whatever other stuff happens, lol) but once Colby figures out the prank, he pulls reader aside. They have a small argument before reader blows off on him, in which he says "I've never wanted to kiss you as badly as I do know" and that's how they admit their feelings! Thank you! And can't wait to see what you write love

A/N: Hi! Thank you so much for your request, sorry for the wait, I have been very busy with school and work. I hope the wait is worth it though! Get ready for a long imagine, I’m pretty sure this is about 3,000 words. I hope you love it! I just realized that I tried to keep this imagine gender neutral but I forgot that I accidentally put some she/her pronouns in it, I’m so sorry!

Warnings: Angsty, Cussing, Mentions of alcohol, implied smut

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It was just like any other day for you. You woke up around noon because you were exhausted from the day before. Between working, going to college, and trying to keep somewhat of a social life, everyone could see just how worn out you would get day to day. So today you decided to treat yourself with a few extra hours of this beautiful thing called sleep.

Your phone rest on the bedside table and of course checking it and replying to the unread messages was the first step of your morning routine. The first messages you saw were from the group chat that consisted of you, Kat, and Tara. Apparently, while you were sleeping, Tara and Kat had a whole conversation about a girl’s day that they wanted to plan for you three. The last text sent was from Kat and it read, “I can’t wait for y/n to see all these messages in the morning. We planned the best girl’s day while she was probably passed the fuck out in her bed lmao”.

You smiled sending them a text back alerting them that you are indeed alive and down for all the plans they had created. In fact, you would be seeing them later at Sam and Colby’s place for a couple’s dinner/pool/movie date night. Jake would be there as well, and although you were tragically single, you loved all of them to death and hanging out over there was like the most elite sleepovers you would have with your best friends as a child.

A new text appeared on your screen just as you began to emerge from the comfort of your bed sheets, “God finally you’re awake. I’ve been waiting for Kat to tell me you answered her message all morning. I need your help tonight with a prank. Colby is never going to see it coming”

“A prank? I thought you guys didn’t do that anymore...? But I’m in ;)” You sent back. Out of all the trap girls and all the boys, Colby and you got along the best. Ever since you first met, which was years ago at this point, Colby and you have been inseparable. You tried so hard to avoid your feelings for him, in hopes to not develop a crush that ended up ruining your friendship, but Kat picked up on it right away. She told you constantly that she could easily set you up with the beautiful blue-eyed boy, but you insisted that things would happen naturally if there was truly something there between the two of you. And so, you went on, day by day, falling helplessly in love with the sweetest boy you have ever come to know.

Sam sent a message telling you to head over to their place as soon as possible. You swore that you basically lived there already. You were at their house way more than you were at your own. You couldn’t imagine living further than 15 minutes from them. After what felt like a century to Sam, you arrived at the house. Your hand loudly knocking on the big wooden door.

“Hey y/n! How are you?” Kat asked, pulling you into a big hug as she opened the door. You smiled and hugged back at her kind gesture, “I’m good! How are you? Do you know anything about this prank on you know who?” You questioned her. She glared at you, silently telling you to lower your volume. “Y/n! Colby is right upstairs be quiet!” She whispers, laughing at you almost blowing their cover immediately upon arrival.

Kat was quick to take you by the arm and drag you to the theater room where Sam was already sitting on one of the opulent red couches. He greeted you, telling you that he wanted to film your reaction to him telling you what prank you were going to pull. You agreed and sat down on the sofa facing the blonde. “Colby’s taking a nap right now upstairs because he was up super late last night editing one of our Sam and Colby videos. I figured we could use his exhaustion to our advantage and try and prank him that he woke up in some sort of alternate universe. I figured you could go into his room and set up a couple cameras, and I’ll keep two hidden in the living room where me, Kat, Jake, and Tara will be, so we hopefully get his full reaction. I want you to sneak into his bed and like cuddle him or something and when he wakes up, I want you to pretend that you’ve been dating him for a long time now. He is going to be super confused but just try and convince him that it’s true. If he ends up downstairs, we will go along with it too. I really want to see if he will think that it’s real after a while.” Sam explained.

You felt your face burning as your cheeks became a deep shade of red. He couldn’t be serious right? He wanted you to pretend that you were dating Colby? “I- Uh… I don’t know Sam won’t that be a really mean prank?” You tried to play it off, hoping that you didn’t just annihilate all your efforts to keep your feelings hidden. “You guys are like best friends, I don’t think he could be mad at you for such an innocent prank.” Sam replied. You began to feel incredibly flustered at the thought of having to be so affectionate with Colby. The room started to feel like a sauna as the sweat began accumulating all over your body.

Sure, you and Colby had cuddled before, but it was extremely platonic… Plus, it only happened in very specific moments, like last Wednesday after you had a couple of drinks, and everyone was sat watching a movie where he wrapped his arm around you so you could rest your head since it could barely hold itself up. You snapped out of your thoughts quickly realizing that Sam had been waiting on a response from you. You knew Sam was stubborn, he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Your eyes met back with his and the only thing you could get yourself to do was slightly nod your head ‘yes’.

“Perfect.” Sam smirked, getting up to turn off the camera and hand it to you so you could set it up in Colby’s room. You already knew that he was thinking about how many points this would score him for a Sam and Colby prank war if it turns out the way he is wanting.

Before you knew it you had made it all the way up into Colby’s room where you had strategically hidden the camera, facing it towards the sleeping boy in his bed. You let out a deep sigh, trying to prepare yourself for what was about to go down. “If this ruins everything for me, I am going to kill you Golbach.” You whispered, knowing the deep sleeper wouldn’t hear a single thing. And so, the prank began.

You took a gentle hold of the silky black sheets and quietly slipped into bed right next to Colby. There was no game plan in your mind, you didn’t even think up a storyline about your fake relationship for once he woke up. You squeezed your eyes shut in fear as you quickly wrapped your body around his, resting your head under his chin as he slept on his back. He twitched slightly, bringing his arm up, lazily holding you back. The breath caught in your throat, this was already hard enough for you and now he is cuddling you back? You glanced up to see his face, his eyelashes were slightly fluttering, and his soft lips had a slight part in them. He was still fast asleep. You decided to try and wake him up by moving around in his arm slightly, hoping the movement would pull him out of his dreams.

“Y/n?” His voice rung through the room, deep and raspy. He sat up slightly, glancing around the dark lair that he called a bedroom, but his arm still remained around your frame. “W-what are you doing here?” He stuttered, visibly confused by the sight of you in his arms.

“What? I can’t cuddle my boyfriend?” You answered, shocked that you could even get those words to come out of your mouth. His eyes widened at your response, pure shock etched into his face. “Boyfriend?” You felt his heart start to race as he replied.

His arm dropped from your body as he delicately pushed himself out of bed. He was now hovering over you as he stood by the bedside table. There was a clear glass with some water sitting on a coaster on the table. His strong hand wrapped around it as he brought it up to his mouth, downing the rest of the water that was in it. You could tell by his body language that he was beyond confused. The glass clinked as he practically dropped it back onto the nightstand.

“Am I dreaming or something? Since when was I your boyfriend?” His eyebrows furrowed as he continued to look at you for some answers. Your heart sunk thinking about how mean of a prank this truly was, at least from your point of view. “Baby… Are you serious? We’ve been together for years now, are you feeling okay?” You said as you threw your legs over the side of the bed, pulling his hand into your own.

Your thumb gently rubbed circles onto the back of his hand, but only for a couple seconds before he pulled it away. “Is this a fucking prank or something?” He asked, irritation evident from his tone. You shook your head ‘no’, it was becoming hard to process words. You knew this was upsetting him, but Sam had you promise to make the prank last for as long as you could.

“I’m sorry- I have to get out of here really quick.” Colby said, making his way out the bedroom door. You said nothing back, hoping that Sam would end the prank for you as Colby made his way down the stairs.

“Hey brother! You’re finally up. Where’s y/n? I thought we were all doing a couples movie night?” Jake interrogated as Colby glanced to see Sam, Kat, and Tara standing over in the kitchen. Colby brought his hand up to his face rubbing his eyes, there’s no way that Jake is saying this too. Colby began to think that he was seriously going crazy. And then everyone else joined in on the conversation. You could hear them loudly as you stayed glued to Colby’s bed.

Sam began to ask if Colby was feeling alright, and you heard Kat say that maybe we should take Colby to the hospital in case he was losing his memory. You felt the panic in Colby rise as he was deflecting everyone’s concern insisting that he wasn’t losing his memory, and that he definitely wasn’t going crazy. He knew for a fact that you two weren’t dating, and none of them could convince him otherwise. “Dude, she’s gonna hear you up there. You’re going to break her heart. You really don’t remember?” Sam pushed.

You finally had enough. You raced out of Colby’s room and rushed down the stairs. You stopped immediately upon entering the kitchen, seeing everybody else still standing there surrounding Colby. The energy switched as they all looked to you, Sam pleading with his eyes for you to keep going. “I’m so sorry Colby, it was just a prank, please don’t be upset.” You couldn’t handle it any longer, the pain on his face was too much for you to bear. You watched as he scoffed back, “I knew it. Fuck you, guys. I’m going back upstairs.”

You felt horrible as you watched him stomp back up to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. Tears stung the back of your eyes, this was all your fault. You excused yourself from the group and somberly made it to Colby’s door. You preceded to place a faint knock on the wood, “Colby? I’m so sorry, can you please open up?” Your voice was so soft, it would’ve been hard for him to hear if he hadn’t already anticipated your arrival. The door swung open as Colby quickly made his way back over to where he previously sat on the couch.

You stayed frozen at the door for a couple seconds, hoping to brace yourself for the angry boy inside. You took hold of the cold metal doorknob, pulling the door shut behind you. You tip-toed your way over to the sofa and took a seat far from Colby. Your mind was running a hundred miles an hour as you tried to concoct a coherent sentence. “What the hell were you thinking? Did you seriously think that I would find this funny?” He spat in your direction.

“It wasn’t my prank, Sam just wanted me to help him out.” You said back, desperately trying to reason with him. He sarcastically laughed, running a hand through his dark hair. “I didn’t ask who’s prank it was y/n.”

You gulped, it felt suffocating in his room. The dark ambiance that normally felt inviting suddenly seemed like your own personal hell. “Colby, I didn’t want to hurt you I swear. I was trying my best to keep everything lighthearted. I could never hurt you.” Your voice was so delicate, it was so hard to speak. The tears were still threating to make an appearance, and that was the last thing you wanted.

“But you did, y/n. That’s the thing. Whether or not you ‘meant’ to hurt me, you did. And everyone else was in on it to. Did you even try and tell Sam that this prank wasn’t a good idea? Did you even think, for a split second, that this was incredibly immature? You were all treating me like I was losing my damn mind, trying to convince me that we were dating when we clearly never were.”

His words hurt, but they were all true. You had never been together, what were you thinking pretending like you were? All to satisfy Sam? To help him get a head start on the prank wars by completely crushing Colby’s heart? He is your best friend for crying out loud. “Look Colby. I never wanted to do this, okay? Did you ever stop and think that maybe I didn’t want to be doing this either? You mean everything to me. Why would I ever purposely hurt you? Especially after everything we have been through. All the ups and downs, the messy breakups, all the fights. I love you so god damn much and I hope you know that I would never, ever, hurt you like that.” By this point the tears were streaming down your face. Your previous spot on the couch was long discarded as you now stood right in front of Colby, praying that he knew you were being serious about not hurting him.

Your eyes searched his for any glimpse of a sign showing that he believed you. His bright blue eyes looked a lot more intimidating than usual. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking, his expression not giving you any clues. Finally, he responded, “Is it wrong that I’ve never wanted to kiss you as badly as I do right now?”

And finally, there was your sign. His eyes no longer looked intimidating. In fact, they had completely changed into something much different, lust. You quickly took a step closer to him as he took a stand right in front of you, placing his strong hands on either side of your face. He roughly pulled you in, causing your lips to crash together with loads of passion. They fit perfectly together, better than you ever imagined them. They worked in sync as the feeling inside of you was igniting a fire. He was so rough, but surprisingly still gentle. Acting as if one wrong move would completely break you. Your lips remained locked as he pushed you backwards, surprising you as your back made contact with his plush bed. He was on top of you, hungrily continuing the kiss.

You both pulled apart abruptly, gasping for air after your heavy make out session. “I guess now’s a good time to let you know that I am absolutely, one hundred percent, in love with you.” You stated, starring deep into his eyes. “Then I guess now’s a good time to tell you that I feel the same.” He responded, bringing you back in for another passionate kiss. You pulled back again, “So, does this mean I can finally see those handcuffs I keep hearing about in action?” You asked him, slightly laughing. “Only if you promise to keep quiet.” He winked back. And that was the start of your amazing, long awaited relationship.

#colby brock #Sam and Colby #colby brock x reader #colby brock imagines #sam golbach #jake webber #tara yummy #kat stuart

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ilalos · 3 years ago

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Worth it (Anthony Bridgerton x reader) Part 2/2

Summary: Your arranged marriage to Anthony seems fine, until it doesn’t.

Warnings: marriage, implied sex, angst-ish, fluff, pregnancy, crying, if you notice anything else let me know :)

Word count: 2.5k

The season passed in a blur with countless flowers and conversations that filled you with expectations about your marriage to the Viscount, you truly felt like love was around the corner for both of you and it was a matter of time for that corner to be turned. He was everything you had expected and more, you could tell he was wary about letting you in but didn’t want to push him so you let him open himself to you at his own pace. The had been some stolen looks, kisses on your knuckles that had lasted a little longer than they should and hand a bit lower than what was acceptable when you danced. To say the courting had been successful was the understatement of the season in your opinion, by the time the wedding day came you were counting down the minutes before you finally became Lady (y/n) Bridgeton.

Your wedding ceremony was short and the carriage ride to Anthony’s bachelor townhouse was even shorter. The wedding night had come with a surprisingly low amount of events, your virginity had been taken the sweetest of ways, with many kisses and whispered promises of pleasure that came true. By the end of the day, you were as happy as can be, laying on your husband's chest, feeling his heartbeat slowing down and smelling the sweet vanilla scent of his skin.

When you woke up the next morning the bed was empty and he had already left to work in his study back in the main Bridgerton home. He didn’t return until late in the evening and you were waiting for him so you could have dinner together.

“Thank you for waiting for me,” he said while taking a sip of his wine.

“It’s nothing, I like that we are finally spending some time together”

Anthony just nodded and continued eating in silence.

“How was your day?” You pushed for conversation, you had been alone all day and could really use some conversation with someone different than your maid, who was terrified of speaking freely.

“It was busy” he answered simply “how was your day?” He asked after seeing the face you made at his short answer.

“It was also very busy, I reorganized the books in the library, had the kitchen staff do an inventory on the pantry, and send the maids to the market to get some flowers for the table tops” you narrated proudly, hoping he might appreciate the way you ran the home.

“Good to see you’re settling in, darling” his small praise made you smile a little.

“You don’t mind that I changed some things?” You asked somewhat concerned by his silence.

“It is your home, you’re free to do whatever you please with it,” he said dismissively.

“It’s our home, Anthony, I want to make it perfect for you too”

After dinner, he walked you to the bedroom and after a couple of heated kisses you fell in his arms once again, the pleasure he gave you was addictive. Despite his cold attitude towards you in other aspects of your life, it was in the bedroom where you felt hopeful for a future where you both might learn to truly love each other, and then he would sneak out every morning making you feel like a worthless whore.

And so your days continued like this, every night was filled with passion and every day was lonely. You couldn’t even go to the Bridgerton home, you had been taught that a married lady was not to go out without her husband, so your heart slowly filled with sadness as you spent day after day alone in the townhouse. Anthony was none the wiser because he simply thought you enjoyed being by yourself, so it never occurred to him to invite you to his family’s home or anywhere else.

A month into your marriage you found out you were with child. You were extremely happy and Anthony had shown himself to be happy as well, but then that night he didn’t come home for dinner and didn’t make an appearance in your bedroom. He was more and more distant until four months had passed and he disappeared for two full weeks before you saw him again.

It was on the day of your birthday, and he had only gone to your room because the butler told him you had been very sick that day. When he entered the room he found you seating on the bed hugging your knees close to your chest, your eyes puffy from crying and silent tears still streaming down your face. You weren’t upset he had forgotten your birthday, you had never celebrated it so it didn’t matter he didn’t remember it.

“What happened? Is everything well? Is the baby-“

“Your child is quite well, Lord Bridgerton” you interrupted in the coldest tone he had ever heard from you “to what do I owe this joyous visit?”

“I apologize for my absence, I have been very busy” he answered measly.

“I figured out that much, husband” the word was said with venom.

“Are you upset with me?” He asked offended, you had never treated him so coldly.

“I am upset with myself” you started with a pained chuckle “I don’t need you to try and comfort me because you did nothing wrong, that is the reason for my anger” a small sob escaped your lips “I was taught to be a good wife, that my only job was to give my husband heirs and to keep the house running and I understood that and I didn’t fight it because at least I would have children to fill my life with love and a husband who at the very least would acknowledge me and my efforts”

“I-“

“I don’t want you to feel like you should change or apologize, this is not your fault, I feel miserable because I filled my heart with hopes and dreams of love but that’s just not how life is, at least not mine” you harshly wiped your eyes before finishing “I understand my place now, I’m nothing but a child-bearer for you and that’s fine because you didn’t even pick me in the first place” you got up from bed and opened the door for him “please leave me alone, I will be fine”

“I can’t just leave you here alone, have you even eaten today? In your condition-“

“Your child is perfectly well, my lord” your tone had turned icy once again “please go, I am tired and want to rest”

Unable to do anything else, Anthony left the room and went back to his family’s home. His mother had insisted for him to take you there that night, but seeing your state he didn’t even bother asking if you wanted to go. When he got there he was surprised to see the dining room fully decorated, his whole family dressed in their best clothes, even Daphne and Simon had paid a visit.

“Where is (y/n)?” Asked Violet.

“She’s not feeling very well” answered Anthony looking at the table that was filled with all his wife’s favorite food “What is happening? Why are you all here dressed as if you are attending a ball?”

“Anthony, please for the love of God almighty, tell me you didn’t forget your wife’s birthday!” Violet couldn’t keep his composure, how could Anthony be so clueless.

“I-I’ve been so busy lately supervising the building of the new house, it didn’t even occur to me that it was her birthday” Anthony felt terrible, as he should.

“It’s bad enough she doesn’t like us, son” Violet sighed, seating on the table “And now she thinks we don’t care for her birthday”

“Where did you get that idea, mother?” Daphne couldn’t help but ask “When she writes to us she says wonderful things about our family”

“Then why hasn’t she visited since the wedding?” This time it was Colin asking “Mother sent a tea invitation shortly after they got married and she never showed up, sent a poor letter apologizing but did not explain why she didn’t show”

“I might have an explanation for that” Simon spoke up “My aunt was a terribly strict mother, taught her that a wife was nothing more than a child-bearer and had no liberties like men do, for example: going out unaccompanied”

“Has she been out of the house since you married, brother?” asked Eloise, turning to face Anthony who was still frozen at the doorstep.

“I don’t believe so” he entered the room and sat defeated “I just thought she enjoyed being at home by herself, god!” he rubbed his hands down his face.

“I can’t believe it, the poor thing” lamented Violet.

“She hasn’t left the house in almost half a year” concluded Benedict.

“And here we were, refusing to visit thinking she had rejected mother,” said Colin.

“I would like to clarify, I never agreed with losing contact with her over one missed invitation” added Eloise, gaining the glares of everyone present.

“It matters not what we thought nor does it matter what has happened in the past” began Violet “right now I want you to go pick her up and bring her here, she deserves to be celebrated, especially after everything we put her through,” she told her eldest child, pushing him to stand and go to the door.

Anthony mounted the carriage and urged the coachman to hurry home and as soon as he got there he ran up the stairs to your room and burst through the door, jolting you awake.

“I am so sorry, love,” ha said kneeling on your bedside “I never knew you didn’t leave the house because you thought you couldn’t, you are free to do as you please, darling” he grabbed your hand and kissed your knuckles “I didn’t mean to make you feel trapped in your own home, and I am sorry if you felt like I abandoned you” he caressed your face and wiped some tears that had fallen without your notice.

“You did abandon us,” you said, trying to pull your hand from his grasp with your other hand protecting your belly.

“I was merely supervising the building of our new home, I was hoping I could surprise you before the baby arrived” he explained, now seating by your side “I can’t possibly ask my family to leave their home but I know how much you love that house, and so I chose to build a similar one not too far from here”

“You are building me a house?” You asked incredulously, hardly anything could justify his absence but this was in fact a reasonable explanation.

“Yes, love” he once again caressed your face “A home for our family” at that your eyes filled with tears, this time from happiness.

You sat up and wrapped your arms around his neck, crying with your face buried in his shirt. He wrapped his arms around you, kissing the top of your head and shushing you softly to calm down your cries. You spent a while holding each other until he suddenly broke you two apart, remembering his family that was still waiting for you both to show up.

“My beautiful wife, I must take you out of the comforts of your bed” he began, apologetic “My family is expecting you in their home to celebrate your birthday with a lavish dinner”

“Heavens! You should’ve started with that” you ran to your door and called out for your maid “I don’t think I have a dress for such occasion, non that would fit me now, that’s certain”

You opened your trunk and began taking out your chemise and all other items you had to wear under your dress in such cold weather. You took off your nightgown not caring Anthony was there, he had seen it all before, after you had put on your chemise your maid ran in and help you put on the rest of your garments and helped you squeeze your small baby bump in the dress you had worn for one of the first balls you attended when Anthony was courting you. She put your hair in a quick updo and even managed to coerce Anthony into putting on your stockings and your shoes while she did your hair. With all that rush and hard work, you managed to be ready in under an hour and still made it to the dinner at a reasonable hour (half past 9 is reasonable, right?).

At the Bridgerton home, you were welcomed with warm embraces and merry wishes on your special day. You all sat around the table and ate the feast that had sadly grown cold. Colin didn’t seem to mind as he devoured everything in sight, prompting Violet to chastise him softly. You, however, ate small bites because the pregnancy had caused your stomach to be upset easily and you didn’t wish to offend anyone by running out of the room to empty your stomach. Anthony watched you eat and held your hand atop the table, smiling as he watched you laugh and converse with his family.

“Is the food not good enough?” Asked Violet seeing your plate almost full.

“It is just perfect, my stomach has just been iffy since the start of the pregnancy” you answered smiling apologetically, Anthony choked on his wine because he realized at that very moment that he had forgotten to tell his family about your condition.

“You’re with child? Those are wonderful news!” Exclaimed Violet with a large smile “When did you found out?”

“Four months ago” you turned to glare at Anthony “I assumed your son had told you”

“How could you conceal such joyous information from your mother?” Violet then noticed her eldest daughter had become quiet, as well as her husband “Did you know, Daphne?”

“I was aware of it, yes” Daphne admitted ashamed “I too assumed Anthony had told you”

“You assumed my eldest son had told me about his wife’s pregnancy and I had decided not to mention any of it in our letters?”

“I-I’m, yes?” Benedict and Colin snorted with laughter hearing their sister’s answer.

Violet only shook her head with a small smile, her children were truly a wonder. Anthony was nervous that you’d get mad at him for not telling them, but one look at your laughing face told him he didn’t need to worry.

Later that evening you both laid in bed after yet another passion-filled encounter, your breathing slow and even making Anthony think you were asleep. He was caressing your naked back with feather-like touches, kissing your sweaty forehead every few minutes.

“I love you” you sighed, kissing his chest “You need not feel the same, I just want you to know how I feel”

He took a shaky breath before answering.

“I also am in love with you, darling” he placed a finger under your chin and tilted your head so you’d look at him “sometimes I’m scared of just how much I love you” he kissed you slow and deep, pouring all his love into the action.

The kiss was unlike any other you had shared before, this one was full of promise and hope. It filled you with love and certainty, you were now sure that no matter how difficult the road to Anthony’s heart had been, even if you didn’t want it at first, it had all been worth it.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Hi! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. If you like it let me know.

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#anthony bridgerton #anthony bridgerton imagine #anthony bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton x you #my writing #bridgerton imagine #bridgerton

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shkspr · 3 years ago

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hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

#sorry if this is repetitive or makes no sense or if i got some details of the show wrong #i simply couldnt be bothered to put too much effort into this post #lest it become a research paper and take me several weeks to answer #anyway thats all my opinions #dw #ok to rb

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aminiatureworld · 4 years ago

Text

Disappearance

Characters: Diluc, Razor, Xiao, gn!reader

Word Count: 4,133

Warnings: Slightly claustrophobic

Premise: The line between small upsets and huge quarrels can be a blurred one, and it’s often difficult to cope with in the aftermath.

In which there is an argument and the reader disappears.

Author’s Note: Thank you for your request anon. I really cannot stay away from angst, and this was right up my alley. Poor characters, how I love to torture you.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write Razor, he isn’t in my list of characters I’m comfortable with. For one thing I find his broken speech quite difficult to deal with. I can’t tell if I find it irritating or not, or if it’s an example of good characterization or the “savage” stereotype a la Tarzan – sorry Tarzan I don’t like you. But I tried to make the effort and I hope it came out well! Though I still don’t feel quite comfortable with writing him. I hope I handled the dialogue well enough. He makes me think of San from Princess Mononoke.

Diluc

Diluc accelerated his pace as the Winery came into sight, his normally serene face breaking into a small smile.

It was the best time of day, the time when he came home, the time when he could finally see you. The two of you had been a couple for about five months, and though it wasn’t the longest of time, it was certainly the happiest Diluc had been, happier even than when he was a child with a family to call his own. You were his family now after all, something that you reminded him when he was in his darkest moods. You were his family now, and nothing could tear that apart.

“Welcome home.” Your voice was warm with happiness, and you threw your arms around Diluc the moment he came through the door. Diluc reciprocated the embrace and for a moment the two of you simply stood in the landing, the picture of perfect happiness.

“I’ve missed you, beloved.” Diluc whispered.

“I missed you too.” You replied, smiling softly. Your smile slipped however, and was instead replaced with an expression of worry. “You were gone so late tonight, I was unsure if something had happened to you. Really, I was about to go after you.”

“Well I’m glad you didn’t.” Diluc replied, tone firm though not unkind. “We’ve talked about this before my love, if something were to happen to me, which it won’t,” he quickly added, seeing your gaze cloud over, “but if it did I wouldn’t want you to put yourself in danger. I fight for you as much as anyone else in Monstadt, and for you to be injured or worse on my part, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”

“I know we discussed it and came to that conclusion.” Your words were slow, deliberate in tone. “But though I agreed to it then, I found tonight that I regretted it more than anything I might ever do. I cannot bear the idea of you somewhere near, hurt and crying out for help or worse…” you swallowed, unwilling to conjure the image to mind, “…I couldn’t bear thinking that you might be in a bad way and with no chance of rescue simply because I made a foolish promise. And while I was thinking about this all I came to the realization that I could never truly keep that promise. If you’re ever in need I will be there for you, no matter what. No matter what you said, what you think, it is the simple truth.”

“Please don’t do that.” Diluc replied, voice quickly becoming filled with emotion. “If there’s something out there that could hurt me like that, then how –” he paused, realizing his mistake, but you’d already caught it.

“How could I possibly defeat it?” You replied, a grimace replacing your smile. “You cannot treat me like glass Diluc. I’m an adventurer, a warrior in my own right. And I won’t be kept from saving the one I love the most, not when the only thing keeping me from it is his pride and a few words.”

The two of you said nothing more of it that night, but the argument hung in the air the next morning, continuing the awkwardness up until you left for your adventuring duties. Diluc did nothing to breach the gap. He was in the right after all. And besides, it was such a stupid little argument, barely one at that. In a day or two it’d be nothing, and then all would be well again.

This conclusion was sorely tested when you didn’t return to the Winery in the evening. As Diluc prepared himself for another night of patrol he began to worry slightly. Surely you weren’t avoiding him. About something so small? No, most likely you were simply late. You’d be there when he got home. If he was sure of anything he was sure of that.

Unfortunately Diluc was proven quite wrong. The doorway was empty at his arrival, you were nowhere to be found. A sinking feeling began to settle into his stomach, and Diluc found himself quite unable to sleep that night, instead tossing and turning this way and that, wondering if you were truly so angry over something that he’d seen as so small. It was the only logical explanation for your disappearance after all, though Diluc wasn’t sure what to do about it. Chasing after you seemed somewhat uncouth, and besides didn’t that always make things worse? No, he’d give you space, all the space you needed. If a week passed then he’d seek you out, but before then he’d let you be. No point in jeopardizing the relationship anymore than apparently he already had.

His promise to stay away for a week was nearly torn to shreds by the end of the next day. Were you truly so angry with him? How could he have hurt you so much? Diluc didn’t know what to do. During the day he tried to behave as always, keeping tabs on everything he could and busying himself as much as possible. At night, however, the feeling became more and more unbearable, and Diluc found sleep more fleeting than ever.

He kept replaying the argument, over and over again did he try to remember exactly what had happened. Was your tone of voice angrier than he thought? Was your expression darker? Had he been too curt, too dismissive, too demanding? What could’ve possibly caused you to simply disappear? It was unlike you; usually what arguments took place resulted in you trailing him more than anything else. Why was this so different? Turning onto his side once more Diluc closed his eyes. Tomorrow all would be well. Tomorrow you’d come back for sure.

You didn’t come back tomorrow, nor the day after that. Those days were some of the most anxious Diluc had felt since the immediate passing of his father. Work became unbearable, for words that one stood clearly on the page now swam before him, a sea of incomprehensible figures and symbols. Eating and sleeping too were utterly alien to him, and what those two days were mostly comprised of turned out to be him walking about in a stupor, too dazed and too worried to think about anything around him, anything other than you.

On the fourth day a knock came to his door, and with it came Katheryne of the Adventurer’s Guild. Her face was ashen, and she was fiddling with her hands. As Diluc gestured for her to sit down the anxiety that had been sitting in his stomach tangled itself into knots. What in the name of the Seven had happened?

“Master Diluc, we have some information, information involving your partner.”

“Yes?” Diluc’s voice was sharp and low, for he couldn’t bring himself to hide it. Collapsing into the opposite chair he tried to prepare himself for the worst, knowing that if you had left or, Seven forbid, been killed he’d never be able to move on.

“Well you see your partner, they went on an expedition, a commission rather. They were looking for bits of Noctilious Jade and Cor Lapis. Although these minerals are normally found in Liyue only there are a few reservoirs in Monstadt along the border of the two lands, specifically they can be found in certain caves behind the waterfalls that flood into the river. A merchant bought the rights to the land of one of those caves and, being a merchant, he couldn’t get it out himself, so we sent one of our own to mine it out for him, see if it was any good.”

“This is all quite fascinating,” Diluc replied, tone made sharp with worry, “but I can hardly see what this has to do with anything.”

“Your partner was the one selected. They went down to mine it but the entrance was the opening to a sharp drop and they fell down. We only managed to recover them this morning.”

The shock that ran through Diluc was something that he never wished to experience again. It seemed to pierce right through him, into the center of his heart. You’d been trapped. You’d been in need of help, stuck for days in the worst of possible situations, and he’d done nothing but loaf around the Winery. How could he forgive himself for something like that?

“May I see them.” He choked out, his throat constricted and burning.

“They are coming here right now. Thankfully injuries were minimal. Caves connected to water are the most dangerous kind, you can die and it can be impossible to retrieve your corpse. They were incredibly lucky.” And with that gruesome thought in mind Katheryne walked over to the door, opening it to reveal you.

Diluc had never moved so fast in his life. Instantly you were wrapped in his embrace. You returned the gesture just as fiercely, clinging on as if he was the only thing anchoring you, keeping you from collapsing from relief, from fatigue, from the terror that had yet to dissipate.

“Oh my love, oh I’m so sorry, so deeply sorry. Forgive me, forgive me for not being there. Forgive me.” Diluc whispered, practically incoherent. You were both shaking, and when you two collapsed in the chair closest to the fire there were no words for a good many moments. The terror you’d both felt was hardly over, and you both needed to be sure that this wasn’t a dream, that it was all over, and that you were going to be fine now.

“Diluc.” You finally whispered.

“Yes my love.” Diluc replied, a tremor still in his voice. You leaned into him, head perched on his shoulder, breath tickling his neck.

“I never want to quarrel again.”

Diluc reached over to cup your face. Raising your head slightly he leaned over, brushing his lips against yours, indulging in something he thought for a moment he might never be able to do again.

“Neither do I.” He replied, voice just as soft. “And remind me never to try to restrict you again, for if I’d not been such a fool I would’ve run to your side the very evening you were trapped.”

You smiled softly, expression conveying relief and tenderness and most of all love. Leaning in for another kiss you whispered something right before your mouth collided with his.

“I will follow you wherever you go.”

Razor

Sitting at the edge of one of Wolvedom’s many cliffs, eyes trailed towards the far away walls of Monstadt, Razor wondered if he might’ve been too harsh.

It wasn’t that Razor wanted to quarrel with you, I mean you were the first and only person that he’d managed to build a sincere connection with. It was only that he’d grown up with a complete distrust of humans, and as much as he tried to bury that aspect of himself it still came to the forefront at times.

“I don’t understand what you’re so angry about Razor?” You’d exclaimed, face twisting into an expression of annoyance.

“Why do you like them?” Razor had replied, gesturing towards the people who had arrived with you, trampling their way through the forest as if everything belonged to them simply because they were human. He could practical smell the arrogance wafting off them, and it made his hair stand on edge. It was frustrating that he didn’t have the words to convey that to you.

“My guild members?” You’d said, glancing over your shoulder. “Razor I work with them. We’re going on a trip.”

“I want them to leave.” He’d practically growled, moving to take your hand in his. “I want them to leave, I want you to stay.”

“Well you can’t do that Razor.” You’d said, tone growing more and more exasperated. “And I don’t understand why you’re so hostile to them.”

“They’re human.” To Razor this was enough, but evidently the answer was hardly satisfactory to you.

“I’m human.” You’d pointed out, raising an eyebrow. Razor shook his head.

“You’re different.”

“No, I’m not. You just like me. And like it or not I’m a human, and a human who has a job to do. I can’t stay here, and I can’t stop talking to all other humans.

“Why not?” He’d shot back. “It would be better. Humans are bad creatures.”

“You keep forgetting who I am!” You’d exclaimed, shaking your head. “Whatever, I’m not arguing this with you. I’ll see you in a day. I hope that you can think about my feelings by the time this is over.”

Well the day had come and gone and there was no sight of you. Razor was too angry though to feel much remorse, no matter how much he missed you. You were probably busy anyways, talking to other humans, fraternizing with the enemy. For what else could humans possibly be? They cut down trees, killed the inhabitants of the forests. Even the wolves weren’t safe, for what farmer hadn’t taken a shot at one of them at some point in his life? No, Razor was not the one in the wrong. You were just too used to them. You couldn’t see it.

Still your absence sat wrong with him, and he found himself scouring the edges of Wolvendom the next day, trying to figure out what had happened. It wasn’t as if you didn’t know what he thought after all. And surely you wouldn’t abandon him so quickly, surely.

Razor was hardly so sure when the sun went down the next night. It seemed you were well and truly gone, though where he couldn’t tell. Maybe you really had decided to abandon him, decided he was too much of a burden, decided you preferred humans anyways. The thought ate at him, and he found himself walking around with a bitter taste in his mouth, unsure what to do.

Razor wasn’t sure what finally caused him to cross out of Wolvendom to look for you. Perhaps it was anger, perhaps it was guilt, perhaps it was that he at least wanted to say goodbye. No matter the cause however he still found himself walking on an unfamiliar path, as the woods shifted to plains. He felt vulnerable, uncomfortable without his familiar family. But it was too late to turn back now, and so he pressed ahead.

All sense of discomfort faded away upon running into you. You looked the worse for wear, covered in dirt, your clothes ragged. For a moment Razor wondered what could’ve possibly caused this. Perhaps there was a creature out there he was not aware of. Running up to you he wrapped his arms around you.

“You’re hurt.” It was more of a question than a statement, and you seemed to understand that. Returning the hug you sighed slightly.

“I was stuck in one of the shallow caves off of the Stormbearer Mountains. The passage we went through started crumbling, and I was the last one in line. It took some time to dig me out.” You laughed slightly, but there was a tremor in your voice, and you seemed ill at ease. “It was so dark in there Razor, so utterly dark. I couldn’t imagine being a creature down there, it all seemed to weigh down on me, and I thought it’d collapse and bury me at any second.”

Razor had tightened his embrace, the image seared into his mind. There was a visceral fear in his reaction, the fear of what you’d just described, but it was more complicated than that. To be down there himself was terrifying, but for you to be in that situation, and for so long, it stole the air from his lungs and weighed him down with such a sense of dread he could barely stand it.

“Humans sent you down there?” The tone of his voice was seething, but your reply was much calmer than it had been before.

“Yes. They did. But they also saved me Razor, you must remember that.”

It was something he hadn’t considered, and as he pulled away to look you in the face he pondered the implications. What he’d said was true, yes, but what you’d said was also true. They could’ve quite easily left you if they wanted, could’ve left you for dead and said there was nothing to do about it. Certainly some humans would’ve done just that, but they didn’t. Instead they helped you, for days they had dug, and thanks to that you were safe.

“I was wrong.” He said, tone straight, for it was a fact. He was wrong, at least about your people he was wrong.

“There are many evil people out there.” You said, expression pensive. “There are those who kill and rob and lie and think only about themselves. There are those who cannot see the world around them. But you can’t judge all of humanity by that. There are also those who care for every aspect of the world they can, who burden themselves with all the misfortune they see, so much it might break them. Humans are complicated Razor. So yes you were wrong, but I cannot say you were completely so.”

Razor said nothing, absorbing what you’d said. It was hard not think in black and white, something necessary sometimes for survival. But ever since you’d entered his life he wanted to try to understand you, even a little bit. And, especially after today, he’d do anything to make that effort a reality.

For though he understood little of humans and their ways he knew of one thing for sure. And that was the love he carried for you.

Xiao

Looking back it was such a stupid argument. Of course all arguments seemed idiotic looking back after what happened. But if all arguments were stupid, then surely Xiao couldn’t’ve picked a stupider one to have.

“I wish you’d see me off at the bridge.” You remarked, strapping the last of your equipment into place. You were off to do another commission, something about recording a rare species of lizard and taking photographs of some rare luminous mosses, and once again the topic of goodbyes had come up.

“I’m saying goodbye now aren’t I?” Xiao tone was as brusque as ever, but this time you didn’t brush it off with your usual smile.

“I mean it Xiao.” You said instead, turning to look him straight in the face. “I know you don’t fraternize with people, I know that you consider it a result of the burdens you carry. I know that and I don’t ask you to go and set up shop in Liyue or some such thing. I do ask you though to simply be there when I leave the city. It would mean a lot to me to have you there when I step out into the wilderness, especially when I’m going to be gone for two days. Can’t you do this for me, at least this?” You searched his eyes, expression pleading, but Xiao simply scoffed and turned his head.

“Saying goodbye here should be enough. Besides, there aren’t any people here. Would you really want me to say goodbye surrounded by prying eyes?”

“No one is going to pry.” You pointed out, voice flat with annoyance. “And to answer your question, yes, yes I would like you to be there to say goodbye. I love you dearly Xiao, more than I have ever loved anyone, more than I ever will. But I cannot love you unequally. I don’t ask for much, but I am asking for this. Please say goodbye to me at the bridge.”

But Xiao merely scowled, shaking his head violently. Huffing you turned around, everything set and ready to go.

“Sometimes I don’t know why I put myself through this.” You muttered; stomping your feet ever so slightly, and slamming the door to the room behind you.

Xiao’s sense of time was usually quite poor. To adepti days were more like minutes, and even months seemed as abundant as grains of sand. One of the things that had most surprised him about starting a relationship with you was how his sense of time was affected by it. The days with you were mere moments, and the days where you were gone dragged on and on, minutes replaced by endless boredom.

This time was no different, instead the feeling was exacerbated. Although the first two days were a blur, made meaningless by Xiao’s irritation over your final conversation, the moment the third day dawned and you were nowhere to be found time ground to a halt, and Xiao no longer became sure of what day it was, sure that a month must’ve passed instead of a few hours. You must’ve been more irritated than he’d thought.

Still the adeptus was full of pride, pride and principles. If you were staying away over something so petty so be it. He’d not be the one going after you, not when he was utterly within his rights. Why should he changed so over the request of a human? No matter how much he loved you a part of him chafed at the idea, and thus he did nothing, instead sulking the days away under the concerned eyes of Verr Goldet.

If he was filled with pride though, there was also anxiety. Day three came and went, then day four, then day five. When day six arrived Xiao’s will seemed to give up, and he spent his hours in a restless sleep, something highly unusual for the adeptus labelled the “Vigilant Yaksha”. It was if you had taken all his strength away, and what remained was nothing but anxiety and his quickly shattering anger. Surely nothing was worth this feeling of being eaten away by poison. Surely.

Night had fallen, and the moon had taken her silent vigil over the land. Xiao knew that he should get up, knew he should go after you. But it was as if he was chained to the mattress. His head was filled with static and he felt as if he were burning up. A headache had come on the moment he’d opened his eyes, and now he found he could do nothing but lay with his thoughts, each becoming darker by the moment.

He recognized the weight of your footsteps as soon as they came into earshot. Bolting up, all fatigue leaving him, he slammed open the door, taking the stairs two at a time until he finally came face to face with you.

If he was expecting something, it certainly wasn’t this. Though there was a smile on your face it was marred by the bandage on your forehead, and by the long gash on your arm.

“What happened?” The words came out in a rasp. “Who did this to you?” The weight had come back, and Xiao swayed slightly, feeling altogether faint, the range of emotions he was experiencing becoming overwhelming.

You pressed your hand to his chest, the other moving to cup his cheek. “No one did this to me.” You said, voice slightly hoarse. “One of the caves I was in collapsed, and I fell and hit my head while running away from the entrance. Thankfully it was nothing serious, and it only took them three days to get me out.”

Three days. The situation seemed torturous. Xiao was a creature of air, the mere idea of being beneath the earth was claustrophobic to him. It was to humans too, that he knew, knew from what he’d heard from Rex Lapis. The idea of you trapped underground, injured and unable to escape, it shook him to his very core.

Taking your hand in his he kissed your palm, silently thanking Rex Lapis and all the other archons for letting you come home. The situation, what you’d gone through, it was all crashing down on him. You were the most precious thing in the world, the one he loved most, the only person he would truly love, in all his years on this earth it would forever be that way. How could he take you for granted? Take your needs for granted?

“I’ll never fight with you again.” He whispered.

“I don’t know about that.” You said, smiling slightly despite it all. “Fights are hardly unheard of after all.”

“I won’t. Not about something so stupid. Not when…” he trained off for a moment, eyes clouding over. “… Anyways I won’t do it.”

“Does that mean you’ll say farewell at the bridge?” You asked, tone hopeful.

“I will.” Xiao promised. “I’ll do anything for you. For you are that which I love the most.” And leaning over to kiss you Xiao made a silent vow that he’d never let you go through anything like that. Never again.

#I never know the right time to post these #diluc #razor #xiao #diluc x reader #razor x reader #xiao x reader #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #requested #scenarios #my writing

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mettywiththenotes · 3 years ago

Text

Izuku’s Emotional Neglect

Hi so I’m not okay because I keep thinking about Izuku

This kid has been emotionally neglected since he was little. Izuku has had NOBODY to rely on emotionally

He didn’t have Inko, or his classmates, or All Might. Actually, All Might is borderline the only one he’s confided in [since they talk briefly about their connection of being quirkless], but he still holds back

Inko is trying her best and no parent is perfect, I see that, but what she said to Izuku that fateful night damaged that boy and the way he saw himself.

He asks her if he can be a hero, and she cries and says she’s sorry. Not only does this imply that Izuku’s quirklessness is bad, it also implies that she was lying.

And by the way, I don’t mean that Inko ACTUALLY lied that Izuku could be a hero, nor do I think that she meant to mean his quirklessness was bad.

But I need, NEED, to stress that this is how Izuku sees it. This is how he would perceive it, subconciously.

If you’re a child and you think that you can be a hero, your parent encourages it because it makes you happy. But then suddenly you can’t be a hero, and you ask them one more time if it’s possible, hoping that those little wishes you made weren’t fruitless, that maybe somehow this is some kind of dream and she’ll wake you up from it with her smile and her warmth, promising that even with this newfound “disability” you can still be a hero, but instead she cries and apologises to you? That’s going to make you think. It’s going to make you think “Was she lying? if she truly believed in me, why would she cry and say she’s sorry? why isn’t she encouraging me, like she always does? what is happening?”

It’s not the truth, and Inko DIDN’T lie, but subconsciously I feel like it’s something that betrayed Izuku a great deal.

And with the quirklessness. He hates it, he hates feeling useless, and he saw himself as useless when he was quirkless, therefore -> quirkless is something weak and awful.

Time and time again, we see this evidence of the emotional neglect he was subjected to. It’s like actively ongoing and the effects of it are seen even now

We’ll start with the Inko one. I just mentioned it, but here are the panels. It’s really just the language that she uses

“You mean there’s something wrong?”

Apologizing over and over again, like not being normal was a bad thing. Moreso, I think this just meant that she knew how hard Izuku’s life was going to be as a quirkless person, but the way she says it makes it sound like what happened to Izuku was wrong and bad and incredibly awful

Then we have All Might disregarding his feelings and telling him straight up that he couldn’t be a hero

Which then leads to this commentary

“Don’t cry! Let it sink in!!” “Just block it out, just block it all out, just-”

*pats Izuku on head* You Can Fit So Much Denial And Repression Into This Kid!

Then further along, Izuku is seen, and he gets the quirk. He is then surrounded by people that love him, that want to help him, but it’s almost like even the narrative won’t let him have emotional closure.

In most emotional closure scenes (Tsuyu crying, Kirishima vs Rappa, Iieda in the hospital with Shouto and Izuku, Kacchan vs Deku 2), there is an end to it. The character is emotional, crying or upset, and thinking back on their regrets, spilling their guts as they scream, sob, or give solemn expressions. The other characters then cheer/hype them up, reaching some sort of conclusion to the character’s pain, and the situation is more or less resolved.

But that’s not the case with Izuku. He’s always left sorta hanging there, or his hurt and anger get sidetracked by something else. One example of this is the Running With All Might scene in the UA grounds

Izuku is incredibly upset that All Might chose to withhold information on Sir Nighteye and Mirio, and he speaks about how he can’t make sense of it. He’s voicing all his worries to All Might as they run, because he can’t stand the thought of All Might keeping something like this a secret from him.

And then All Might tells him why he kept it a secret, that he didn’t feel it was necessary to let Izuku know about Nighteye’s bias, and then it divulges into him telling Izuku he’s gonna die, and Izuku focuses on that instead.

I am NOT saying that All Might did this purposefully. He didn’t try and steer Izuku’s anger away from him, it was just that it all got revealed so suddenly, so the subject changed.

The narrative tosses Izuku’s feelings of anger aside, and instead Izuku gets emotional over All Might’s potential death. Idk man, to go from angry and upset about withheld information and then immediately shoved into the knowledge that your mentor-father figure is gonna die? That’s the narrative playing with Izuku’s feelings.

Obviously, All Might’s communication skills are awful and he just kinda unloaded all this stuff on Izuku cuz he didn’t think to tell him in the first place, but I still think Izuku’s feelings got pushed around here. He had no time to process any of it

Another example is the cafeteria scene with Shouto and Iieda

The scene goes that Izuku is visibly depressed by the Eri situation and Iieda and Shouto notice. They tell him that he can talk to them when everything gets too much [a parallel to the Stain fight], and Izuku cries. Izuku insists he shouldn’t cry, and Shouto tells him that, actually, Heroes cry too sometimes, and they offer him their food in an attempt to comfort him.

But the thing is, this scene doesn’t offer closure. Closure would be Izuku seeing that he could rely on his friends and telling them how he feels [he wouldn’t have to necessarily tell them about Eri - maybe just phrase it in another way that doesn’t reveal the mission]. Closure would be Izuku accepting that Heroes can cry too, and admitting he’s not okay. Instead, we have this

The scene feels... incomplete? Like there’s no knot at the end of the rope. Izuku is being comforted, but he’s not acknowledging his own feelings of sadness.

In fact, he’s shoveling food into his mouth to stop himself from crying, to shut himself up, to try and move forward and get past his little outburst.

I would go as far as to say this is self hatred eating, trying to quell that vulnerable part inside

I wouldn’t say Izuku HATES himself now. Rather, he just makes connections to his past quirkless self in his mind. It’s the negative emotion connection

Feeling weak? Well, you’re still like your quirkless self before! You’re still not good enough and useless!

Not strong enough? Sounds like back when you were quirkless! All weak and helpless! You can’t help anyone, which is why you need to get stronger, so you can move on from your past self!

Crying? Just like when you were quirkless! You always cried back then, like a helpless kid! You can’t be like that anymore, since you are now All Might’s Successor and A Hero, so stop crying! You’re not allowed to cry anymore!

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Izuku continuously represses these emotions as he gets stronger because he connects them to when he was quirkless. If you associate certain behaviors and emotions with how you were during a vulnerable and traumatic time in your life, you’re going to want to shove those emotions down so you don’t repeat what happened back then [in this case, Izuku sees himself being vulnerable as weak, and he saw himself as weak when he was quirkless, so he’s trying not to be vulnerable anymore].

And the scary thing is, now, we can even see the hatred in real time. I’m sure there are other examples in the manga, but one scene is very prominent in my mind, and it’s this one

Izuku is so incredibly strong now, he has saved many people, but he still can’t view himself as anything other than “useless” or “helpless” unless he powers through death itself just to break himself more. He almost feels like he HAS to do that in order to be seen as worthy, for himself and others. When he’s struggling, bleeding and heavily injured, he yells at himself as if it’s all his fault.

It’s not about whether he’s aware he’s actively dying or not. To him, being worthless and useless is infinitely worse than dying.

Actually, the way Izuku practically yells at himself in this panel reminds me of when he was walking home in chapter 1 after his chat with All Might [shown above when talking about All Might’s impact]

There are two translated versions of this actually that ring alarm bells in my head. There is the panel already pictured above, but I chose this panel too because I simply think it hits harder

“Don’t cry! You knew already, right?! This is reality...”

In either translation, he’s chiding himself. For crying. For being emotional.

And once again, I totally think this stems from emotional neglect. Trying not to get too personal here, but I know what this feels like, and I know the effect it has had on me. I can’t be vulnerable or spill my feelings in front of people, it just feels illegal or smthg. Like it shouldn’t be done. And like... if you’re taught from an early age that, one way or another, your feelings don’t matter and that nobody is going to pay attention to you, why try, right?

Then you just begin to Not Feel Properly, and you become incapable of expressing your feelings in a healthy manner

Current examples of this?

Izuku literally not giving himself time to process anything, like worry, grief, sadness. If anything, the only emotion he gives time for is anger. And he specifically directs it at All For One, cause that’s his target. [we saw little bits of this in War Arc but it also applies to the current arc]

He can’t cry. He feels emotional, sure. But he never lets his tears shed.

And one last bit of evidence

I’d say most if not all of these sound about right

In conclusion I wanna hug Izuku

#istg i really don't mean to make long posts #i just have many thoughts #all the time #and once i get going on a post there's no stopping me #ahhhhh i wish i could not go on rants #but alas i have the power to and so i must #uhhhhh lmao i didn't mean to get personal in this post but here we are #bnha #bnha 321 #bnha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #izuku midoriya #tw eating disorder mention #tw eating disorder #idk if it actually is #but i looked it up and it seems connected #please i IMPLORE you if any of the info i gave seems a bit off #like the psychology stuff and eating mention #don't hesitate to message me so i can fix it #i encourage corrections #after all i'm not an expert in the field but i know what i've gone through #and it feels the same as what izuku has been through too #so yh #rambling #ramblings #the way this post jumps from ranting to analysis #PARKOUR!

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