#remember the little song and like the most forbidden snack of all my life is the wagon wheel gummies from the like old west world | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tailorvizsla · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! I really love your writing, and I was wondering if you could write a story about Grogu interacting with mother!Reader, preferably from Grogu’s perspective? I love and simp for Din as much as the next horny life form, but I also have the instictinual need to mother and baby Grogu every time I see him on screen 🥺 Thank you!!!

Title: Little Cold Fingers Pairing: None intended. (Maybe there could be a hint of Din Djarin x OC if you squint?) Wordcount: ~1200 Rating: PG Warnings: Tooth-rotting fluff, AU (because the Razor Crest lives, damnit), blink-and-you’ll-miss-it bittersweet introspection Author’s Notes: Thank you for the ask, @zeuswasaslut! I hope you enjoy this! Grogu muses about the woman he sees as his mother. :D

Feel free to send in asks or requests! My inbox is open.

📚 My Master List 📚

It was so cold.

Colder than anything he had ever known before. Even when he had been locked up with the Bad People, his little fingers and toes had never hurt from the cold like this before. For hours, white fluff had been piling up against the sides of the Big Noisy – Razor Crest, as Baba called the ship – while wind howled and screamed. The metal walls protecting them muffled most of the noise, but his ears still hurt when the wind grew shrill.

Grogu felt a familiar tickling in his nose and sneezed, tucking his face into his elbow. Just like Bu taught him to avoid spreading germs.

His cold ears lifted as Bu came into the room.

“Are you cold, little one?” she asked in her sweet voice.

He trilled at her, hoping she would understand his annoyance as he lifted his arms to her. Two very warm arms scooped him up. Grogu clung to the front of her shirt as she settled him into her warm, fluffy vest, buttoning it up until only his face and ears were poking out over the top.

“There we go,” she said, her voice a little bit muffled. “Better?”

He let out a cheeeep. Much better.

This is how he preferred being carried. This place right next to Bu’s heart was warm and secure. He could also watch everything that was going on. And maybe steal some bites of whatever Bu was eating or drinking. Bu went to the cabinet and grabbed her little basket of sewing supplies. Then she put his old pants down on the table.

How did she always find the holes in his clothes so quickly? He watched as she snipped off a piece of khaki thread and threaded it through the needle. She sewed the patch on quickly, her needle flashing in the dim light as it worked in and out of the fabric. She started to sing quietly. He knew this song and his ears perked up.

He tried singing with her, but his mouth couldn’t form the mouth noises right. So, he just made it up as he went along. Her happiness bubbled up like the fizzy water she bought in town, or maybe like those pretty yellow flowers they had picked a long time ago.

He started to giggle, unable to hold back his glee as the little flecks of Bu’s joy alighted on his upturned face like sunshine. Then Bu started to laugh along with him, and they shared their little butterfly kisses of joy until he couldn’t breathe and he forgot what song they were singing.

“One day, you’ll sing along with me,” Bu said, and he felt a flash of sadness, because that heavy presence in his chest told him that they weren’t going to have much longer together. He pushed it away. No matter how short their time together was, he would love every moment of it, and keep the memories near his heart.

“There we go,” she said, holding up his pants. “I wish I could get you some new ones, but…not this time, I think. Maybe next month. I should be able to sell some of my embroidery at the market. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

He cooed.

All that mattered to him was that she fixed them. Their family didn’t have much, but they were happy. He was happy, and that was all he cared about after so many years with the Bad People. No matter how many holes he accidentally put into his clothes, Bu always patched them up. Even if they ate the same thing over and over, his tummy was always full. (Having a full tummy never stopped him from hunting his favorite snacks, even if the wriggly ones made Bu scream a bit.)

Suddenly, the big door in the back of the ship sank down, letting a gust of ice-cold wind and snow into the ship. Grogu immediately felt a rush of pure elation fill him as Baba climbed up the long ramp, dragging a big bag behind himself. The bag was full of something but it was empty, the kind of emptiness Grogu knew not to ask about. Baba threw the bag into the Forbidden Room and locked the door. Then he came closer.

Grogu reached out with one hand and squeezed Baba’s icy fingers.

“Hey, kid,” he said. “Being good?”

Always.

He chirped and pulled his arm back into the safe, warm cocoon inside Bu’s vest. He sneezed. This time, he wasn’t able to cover his face in time, so he wiped his face with his sleeve. Icky.

“Is it still too cold?” Baba asked, and Grogu could feel his concern. It was prickly and sharp and made his nose tickle. He didn’t like it that much. Bu nodded.

“I think the heating coils have gone out again,” she responded. “I couldn’t figure it out from the cockpit.”

“Kriff,” Baba sighed. “I’ll get us out of here. Then I’ll see what I can do for repairs, alright? Keep him warm.”

“Aye,” Bu says, “Hear that, Grogu? You get to hang out with me for a little longer.”

He had no problem staying here where it was warm. Bu shivered. Grogu could feel her discomfort, and he grumbled to himself, tugging at Baba with that warm feeling in his chest. Baba paused. He reached up and unpinned his cloak. Then he draped it around them, nestling it around her shoulders.

“Keep that until I can get this icebox warmed up,” Baba said. “And you. Ask before doing that again. Remember what we said about privacy?”

Grogu chirped sheepishly and nodded. He did forget about that rule a lot. Good thing Baba never got angry with him. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up into Baba’s hand as he rubbed his ears. The Bad People pinched him a lot but his buire never hurt him. It made him feel very happy and safe.

Baba reached up and pinned the material into place, draping it around his head. Grogu relaxed as Baba went to the ladder. He wanted his ball, but he wanted to stay here more than he wanted his toy. He tilted his head back, noting the big smile on Bu’s face. He chirped. Maybe one day Baba would take his big shiny hat off for Bu.

Grogu yawned and wiped at his eyes. Then he pulled his head in and wriggled around until he was facing Bu. He felt her button up the vest around his head and it got nice and dark. Just what his eyes needed for a quick nap.

Even though he had only known his Baba and his Bu for just a few months, he had never felt this safe and happy before. He knew this was where his home was and where he was going to stay.

With those thoughts out of the way, Grogu drifted off, imagining all the wonderful, tasty food his Bu would make for him tonight.

Tags:

@hdlynn @princessbatears @oloreaa @phoenixhalliwell @reader-without-a-story @nelba @aeryntheofficial @trippedmetaldetector @jedi-mando @marthastewart89 @razzlefrazzum @paintballkid711 @hayley-the-comet @prxtty-big-simp @aesnawan @leias-left-hair-bun @shadylightbearherring @calamity-queen @pedroepascal @dinsdjarinwp @gallowsjoker @rosacaelorum @ben-is-a-hoe @mandolover86

#star wars #the mandalorian #tv: the mandalorian #tailor writes #grogu #baby yoda #the child #din djarin #found family #fluff #cute

147 notes · View notes

goldenuwuswriting · 5 years ago

Text

Siren’s Song

A/N: Just in case you haven’t heard this man’s heavenly vocals: A video or two! Also credit to @ncttrinities for feeding into my zero self-control and helping plan this. I might be slightly wh*pped for him.

Pairing: Nakamoto Yuta x Reader

AU: Siren! and College!

Summary: Sirens don’t exist or do they?

“Sirens were originally Persephone’s three handmaidens. When Hades kidnapped Persephone to be his wife, Demeter gave the handmaidens beautiful golden wings so they could search the earth. They eventually gave up, making Demeter mad and causing her to curse them to an island.” Professor Nakamoto lectures alongside the powerpoint made by his TA, Johnny. You took this Greek Mythology 101 class for the easy A or so you thought. Professor Nakamoto grades based on how much effort you put into the assignment and how much you participate in class.

“Time’s almost up for today, so your assignment for this week is to write your own siren myth.” The professor always had assignments like that. You thought that he set the class up like that to see how much the students retained from his lectures, but little did you know that he was hiding a big secret.

Professor Yuta Nakamoto was a siren and trying to teach that sirens don’t exist. The curse was just that in his opinion. The man literally looks like a god and could have been an Idol but had decided to teach to protect his secret. Johnny, his TA, came from America and was just as handsome as Yuta. Johnny was older than Yuta, but messed around and never graduated college and was the only one in the history department who knew Yuta’s secret.

You, on the other hand, were halfway through a Master’s degree in History. You were trying to take all of the credit hours you could, just to graduate early and start your life. Midterms were a few months away, so you had to make at least an A on them to give you a little wiggle room for the finals.

Johnny, being the greatest TA bless him (bless me achoo), hosts a study group and has office hours in Professor Nakamoto’s office before and after class almost every time.

You had a question over the study guide that Johnny had handed out, so naturally you went to office hours to ask before heading to your next class. There was something magical about the voice you heard coming from Yuta’s office. It was so pretty and drew you in. Your feet kept moving towards the door, as if they weren’t controlled by your brain. You reached out for the door handle and turned it. Something compelled you to keep walking into the office, where Professor Nakamoto was sitting in his chair and singing under his breath.

Yuta was shocked. You weren’t supposed to hear his ‘true’ voice. He quickly cleared his throat and asked you what you needed. You were frozen for a minute, as all of the gears in your brain started to move again, you remembered why you were there.

“I have a question on the study guide that Johnny made. Do you know where he is?”

“I don’t know where he is, but I could probably help you since I am the professor.”

You wanted to laugh at yourself for being such an idiot. “The question asks for the differences between harpies and sirens. Is it for the modern idea of sirens or the original idea of them?”

Yuta looked at you confused, shouldn’t you be questioning him on the fact that he is a siren (the answer is yes but you are too tired to realize it). He looked at you for a moment before answering, giving you his perfect, healing smile. “Its for the modern idea of sirens, Y/N. You’re the only student who caught that.”

“Alright, thank you and see you in class.” You took off towards your next class, mind still piecing everything together. Professor Nakamoto can’t be a siren because they don’t exist, right? Your next class went on for what seemed like hours.

Yuta was freaking out. He called Johnny, hoping the sentient tree would answer the phone.

“Hello?” Johnny’s disembodied voice flowed through the phone.

“I, uh, may have done something stupid and exposed myself.”

“Nakamoto Yuta, What did you do?”

“I may or may not have been singing under my breath and Y/N got captivated with my ‘true’ voice.”

Johnny sighed and Yuta could picture the taller man rolling his eyes.

“You want me to convince them that their mind is playing tricks on them, don’t you?”

Yuta just hummed in response.

Johnny hung up on him, not before telling him that he should be more careful.

You were finally dismissed from class. Johnny had texted you and asked if you want to meet up at a café near campus. It was about a 15 minute walk from the building you were at. The only thing in your head was the sound of Yuta’s voice. The voice that mesmerized you, the one that belonged to a forbidden object, and the one you couldn’t have. The more you thought about your professor’s voice, the more it dawned on you that he might be a siren. You walked towards the café, pulling your jacket closer to your body, trying to get as warm as possible while walking into the wind. The fall weather was your favorite, but it still had its downsides. You pushed the door open and took a deep breath, taking in the scent of fresh roasted coffee beans and fresh baked goods.

Johnny waved you over to the table he was sitting at. Your TA had two cups of coffee in front of him of which he handed you one. You gladly accepted the bean juice and took a sip. The two of you exchanged greetings and talked about random topics.

“Johnny, how much do you know about Professor Nakamoto?”

“He’s like my best friend, why?” Johnny was concerned about what you were going to say and it showed.

“I want an honest answer. Is he a siren?” You whispered those sentences. Perhaps you were going crazy with all the credit hours you were taking and the disturbing amount of sleep you were losing due to it. Everything about the professor seemed to match the exact creatures he was teaching about, obviously there were small differences.

Loud Laughter broke you from your thoughts. “You honestly can’t believe that, Y/N. Sirens don’t exist and he is not one. I think you need to take a break from your course work or take a long nap.”

“I guess so, but no one should have a voice that pretty.”

Johnny helped you with a few questions on your study guide before it was time for him to go help Yuta get set up for the Introduction to ancient civilizations class. You decided to head to your dorm and sleep as Johnny suggested.

The nap was just what you needed. Your roommate woke you up and asked if you had notes from your english class that they could borrow. Your phone’s screen lit up displaying the current time and a message from your best friend, Kun. Kun is the mom friend. He brings you food and takes care of you, so it’s no surprise when he texted you asking where you were and why you weren’t in class today.

Johnny had met up with Yuta and practically clowned him for letting you catch on.

“I didn’t know that they was there.”

“Well, It would take a genius to figure out that students are going to stop in during office hours.”

“If you’re so smart, Johnny, then why aren’t you a professor?” Yuta was becoming dramatic. He picked this habit up from a few of the freshman students. The students called themselves the dream team.

You weren’t prepared for class on Monday, knowing that you had to take the chapter test. Johnny had warned you that the professor had a project planned but he was picking the partners. You asked him to put in a good word for you, so that you would hopefully get paired with Dong Sicheng, who goes by WinWin and happens to be the professor’s favorite. WinWin was a cutie and very babie so you understood why he was the favorite. A plus to working with WinWin is that he was friends with Kun as well, so study snacks would be made for you both.

The test was easy, probably because Johnny had explained everything to you when he asked you to get coffee. Yuta had waited for everyone to turn in the test before explaining the project, which was to come up with and market a product as business entrepreneurs (Johnny’s idea after writing an essay at 3 am and drinking red bull). He started to call each pair.

“Dong Sicheng and Mark Lee.” There goes your chance at a decent grade, Mark was the only other student who wasn’t a freshman and had a great work ethic. “Y/L/N Y/N and Huang Renjun.” You have heard that Renjun was a responsible boy who loved art from Kun constantly talking about him and Sicheng. Kun also said that Renjun and his three other friends referred to themselves as the dream team and they did everything together.

The said boy came up to you and introduced himself and gave you his number. When class ended, you marched up to Johnny.

“I thought I asked you to make sure I was partnered with Sicheng.”

“I tried. Professor said no multiple times.” Johnny was trying not to smile at the memory of teasing Yuta.

“What would he say if I ask him? I really don’t want to work with a member of the self-proclaimed ‘dream team’.”

“He would most likely say no and to get over it, but you can try. He’s in his office.”

Johnny was sending you to war with a dangerous (read: Soft) enemy. Johnny immediately texted Yuta a heads up after you stormed out of the classroom. Yuta had anticipated someone was going to be upset at the partner choices, he just didn’t think that it was going to be you.

You furiously rapped on the door to Yuta’s office and waited for him to tell you to enter.

“Y/N, what can I do for you?” The male had asked in a sing- song tone. The cadence of his voice quickly quelled your anger.

“I wanted to know if I could switch Renjun for either Mark or Sicheng.” You smiled at him, silently praying to whatever gods or goddesses existed that he says yes.

“I’m sorry, but partner pairings are final unless one partner is doing more work than the other.”

You exited the office in a slightly better mood than before, which Johnny noticed when he passed you in the hall.

“Yuta, was Y/N just here?”

He nodded.

“They were furious after you assigned partners and then is suddenly in a better mood after talking to you. What happened?”

“We had a great conversation, that’s all.”

Johnny shot him a look that conveyed his thoughts. Yuta was slightly annoyed that the elder could read him that well.

“I just charmed them a little. Y/N might be short but They’re kind of scary.”

“I know, but we’ve had this discussion. What happens when they figure out that you are in fact a siren. Y/n already asked me if you were.”

Yuta knew that Johnny was right. He should probably stop while he was ahead. You were too pretty to die and he really didn’t want to move again.

You messaged Renjun and asked him to meet you at Kun’s after okaying it with him. Kun was already working on snacks for the three of you. Three hours later and Renjun never showed up, Kun tried calling him but the boy never answered and Kun knew the boy didn’t have class until tomorrow. You already texted Johnny and told him what happened and that Renjun hasn’t shown up. You made sure to ask where the professor was, hoping that this would get you a new partner. Your favorite and only teaching assistant informed you that the was hour left in Yuta’s office hours. The walk from Kun’s dorm to the office to you about thirty minutes compared to the usual hour. The anger boiling in your system at the freshman kept you warm and was what caused you to practically slam the office door open.

The Japanese man had heard angry footsteps coming down the hall, so he started to sing in order to calm the anger. It worked after a while and you could feel the anger melt away as waves of relief washed over you. The song continued and something about it compelled you to start walking towards your professor. You closed the distance between your lips and Yuta’s. The kisses were filled with passion and need.

“Get a room!”

That phrase startled you. Yuta grabbed your waist, not ready to let you leave, and looked at the source of the interruption. Johnny was standing at the door, rolling his eyes. You didn’t even notice the glare that Yuta shot him.

“Get Out, Johnny. Office hours are over.” (WiNk WoNk)

#nct yuta nakamoto #NCT #nct 127 au #nct 127 imagines #NCT 127 #yuta x reader #yuta nakamoto x reader #nctau #nct fanfic #nct fluff #nct imagines #nct scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop au #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios

55 notes · View notes

mamoretta · 5 years ago

Text

Autumn in Japan❤

In November 2019, I went on a full week trip to Japan with my two lovely cousins, Teh Epi and Teh Ami. The trip was on my bucketlist, but when we first planned this trip, we were reckless and kinda impulsive but I don’t regret it any single second. Luckily, we bought the ticket 9 months before departure, so we had enough time to prepare everything (money especially). Little did you know that Japan is the farthest I’ve ever been from home (for now), so I was extra excited and the fact that I can afford this trip alone (in +-9 months of saving!) was a proud moment for me.

Because my last vacation was a solo trip, the first thing I noticed about this trip was the differencies between when you go alone and when you go grouping. In my opinion, solo traveling is much closer to your heart, like there’s always that touching moment when you feel you can conquer anything (I wonder what would happened if I go to Japan alone!!). While group traveling is more refreshing, fun, and thrilling, but it really depends on whom you travel with. I think you have to go with someone that you really vibed with if you want to fully enjoy the trip with less drama. Lucky me, I have two wonderful companions that made my trip to Japan couldn’t been any better. Although there wasn’t always rainbow in Japan (literally), but t’was full of laugh and positivity. Super big love and thanks to Ami-chan and Epi-chan❤

The Trip

I only visited Osaka and Kyoto due to my short time and budget-friendly trip but it was all worth it.

Day-0: Depart & Transit

We flew to Japan with Singapore Airlines (the service and the food was superb! Plus they have Gentle Bones’ song on their entertainment board :p), so we had transit in Changi for a night long, yes 9-hour long. We landed in Changi at 23.00 and we wanted to visit Jewel for the sake of their indoor waterfall although the waterfall only operated until 23.30! We managed to lined up in immigration and jogged to Jewel but too bad the waterfall already turned off (we knew from the beginning we wouldn’t make it but at least we tried). We snapped some obscure photos as evidence that we were there. Then we went back to T2 Changi and strolled around finding a nice spot to spend the night, the snooze area and the long sofas was packed we ended up in some single sofas in front of the children playground, it was warm but we barely slept.

Day-1: Landed in Osaka

We had breakfast in-between airplane watching at Changi before our flight at 7 am, we bought butter toast and teh O’. The teh O was uniquely delicious, it was teh tarik with melted butter, warm sweet and savory at the same time. The teh O is worth a flight to Changi (hiperbolic but it was that great). Then we found an empty foot massage machine and tempted to try one because our (already) sore calf, and it was one our biggest mistake... the machine was badly stink (imagine million people from around the world using that same machine :)) and the stink sticked to our socks, then we putted the smelly socks into our shoes... imagine the rest. (In case you wondering, yes our shoes was smelly troughout our trip in Japan T_T). In the evening, finally we safely landed in KIX, we was welcomed with the beautiful autumn foliage outside the airport. It was our first time witnessing autumn foliage with our own eyes, we were so happy >_<

Then we rushed to ICOCA vending machine to bought our transportation card for our trip and looked for our train to our hotel in Osaka while carrying the heavy luggage. The first time we tried Japan train line was confusing... we entered the same train back and forth because we were not sure that was the right train and there was no one to asked. The cold air and strong wind started to stabbed me who only wore 2 thin layers of clothes. Freezing. Luckily we arrived at our hotel just in time, rested for a minute, then we went to Dotonbori to get dinner. During this trip, we stayed in Ookini Hotel Dotonbori, just 700 m walk from the buzzing Dotonbori. In Dotonbori, we had Kukuru Takoyaki, ¥800 for 10 pieces of the tastiest takoyaki I’ve ever tasted. Then we lined up for the famous Ichiran Ramen(!!!). Twisted part, later we realised that the Ichiran Ramen we visited was not the ‘no pork’ Ichiran branch we intended to visit... didn’t know if we were too hungry or too careless T_T anyway here’s the pic of the pork broth:

Day-2: Kyoto Part 1

We had breakfast at the nearest Family Mart to our hotel (it was like a little heaven for me, all the food, drinks, snack, and dessert were cheaply delicious). Then we headed to Kiyomizudera Temple in Kyoto by express train. To reach the temple, we had to walk about 20-30 mins but the walk was so pleasing because there were many cute cafe and souvenir shops along the walk. After we spent enough time and took enough memories at Kiyomizudera, we walked to Gion through Sannenzaka & Ninenzaka Street. The street was packed with tourist and full of vibrant touristy shops. We stopped by at Studio Ghibli Shop(!!!) and enjoyed a cup of gingerbread latte at the unique tatami-style Starbucks cafe, there’s a beautiful zen garden and all things beautiful <3 Before we arrived at the modern side of Gion, we passed through an old-style-long-charming alley, every path we took there was beautiful and reminded me so much to anime sceneries. Even when we arrived to the busy Gion, I feel like I was living in anime world.

Then we walked to Nishiki Market. It’s time for FOOD! The best part: super fresh seafood sashimi! I got to ate uni for the first time in my life and I tasted the most delicious salmon sashimi in the world. I cried. We lost count on the money we spent in this market because all things was very tempting. I wish I could go back to Nishiki Market. Then we had Ayam-ya Halal Ramen for dinner (finally real halal food here) and snacked on donuts and hojicha at Koe Donuts. We went back to Osaka and we stopped at the station a bit far away from our hotel to saw the illumination fulfilled the road, it was magical ✨ We walked far enough to made our stomach felt empty again, then we decided to had supper at 24-hour all ¥100 Kura Sushi. All the staffs spoke japanese and didn’t understand our english and all the instructions is in japanese, we waited 1 hour for our queue number to be called (also in japanese x_X), then a waitress came to us offering us (in japanese) the english menu (thank God).

Day-3: Universal Studio Japan

It is the happiest day in my life!!!!!!!! One day in USJ is never enough, but we already planned a strategy to fully maximized our time in USJ, so after a full day of adrenaline and happiness, we walked out from USJ (with very sore legs) feeling contented. The first ride we headed to was Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. They said this is the most wanted ride so the queue must be very long. But lucky us, we queued only about 30 mins long and there is one funny story. In the middle of the ride (we thought it was the middle because we hadn’t finished the ride yet), the machine stopped but we didn’t know any single thing about what happened because all we hear was japanese. Three of us were panicked at that 4-seated train, so we tried to ask what happened to one okasan beside me *me pulled out all my sumimasen-arigatou skill*. But all we got was silence and a blank stare from her that made us even more scared *laugh ih japanese*. Shortly afterward the ride was running again but when we reached the end of the ride, the train didn’t stop and we had 2 full rounds instead... okay the first round was anticlimax because of that technical problem and the second round was enough to made us had nausea 😂 nonetheless, the ride was amazing and very nostalgic (because it’s Harry Potter!!!).

My second favorite ride is Hollywood Dream. The track is terrific and every single seat has its own monitor and speaker to let us choose the song we want to hear during the ride. I chose Happy - Pharell Williams (by sentimental reason) and I was superrrr happy and carried away by the whoosh. And the most *EPIC* ride goes to THE FLYING DINOSAUR!!! I was speechlessly astonished by the ride, the ride continuously gave me palpitations. I felt like I was literally flying as a flying dinosaur. Last but not least, though it wasn’t a ride, the highest appreciation goes to Hogwarts Castle Light Show. There are no words can describe how magical it was. My jaw dropped throughout the show. I love itttt.

Day-4: Kyoto Part 2

And this is my favorite day in Japan afterall. We went to Fushimi Inari by train and the comute was somewhat confusing because we should’ve had transit in 2 stations, we ended up getting off in the wrong station, 2 times, like a donkey. We arrived at Fushimi Inari a bit late, then we took some photos and bought some food from the local market near the gate. I got one big skewer of beef wagyu for only ¥500 and I still remember how delicious it was. We also bought some souvenirs there, argh all the souvenir shops in Japan are very cute and tempting. Then we headed to Arashiyama Bambo Forest. The bamboo forest was so-so, but I was impressed by the neighborhood around Arashiyama. Though it is tourist area, but the environment was very soothing and authentic, the momiji just enhanced the warm atmosphere, and the people was sooooo nice i could’ve hugged all of them. There are one road full of nice souvenir shops (still), no car passed by, just a few traditional rickshaw called jinrikisha pulled passionately by local man. Then we strolled around and ended in the popular Arabica coffee shop in Kyoto. The coffee shop was packed and it located by the lake. After we got our latte, we enjoyed it while comtemplating by the lake surrounded with momiji under the beautiful sky. The latte was so good itself and I was covered in joy. We had spare time at Kyoto so we decided to went back to Gion area just because we love it a lot. Last thing I knew, I already left my heart in Kyoto.

Day-5: Osaka

We spent full day at Osaka. This is basically our last day we have because tomorrow morning we already had to leave and it was the most freezing and stormy day we had in Japan. Even Japan was sad because we were about to go home :( Anyway we had so much fun and impressed by all Osaka has to offer. We had Matsuya for breakfast and dinner because we wanted to try all the menu and it was very cheap but also delicious haha and I tried natto for the first time! In the morning we decided to went to Don Quijote first to bought some (no, a lot) of souvenirs, then we went back to hotel to dropped the purchases and continued the itinerary. We went shopping at Shinsaibashi, strolled around Amerikamura, went to Umeda for the ferris wheel but too bad the ferris wheel was closed (yes our bad didn’t check the schedule) but Umeda is nice so we walked around Umeda. The day was getting dark, we were a bit confused where to go next, and we decided to go to Osaka Castle with zero expectation because it was dark and the museum was already closed. Turned out Osaka Castle remains beautiful in the dark, and we still mesmerized by the castle and its surroundings. We felt like we were living in kingdom era. Then our last destination is Shinsekai. It’s an old district built in 1912 with New York and Paris as the model, then neglected in decades afterwards. We just strolled around the neighborhood, it was full of restaurant, bar, spa, and other nightlife. Little did we know that Shinsekai is the most seedy and dangerous area in Osaka lol. Gratefully we arrived at our hotel safe and sound.

Day-6 & 7: Back to reality

NOOO i didn’t want this to be over, but life goes on and we had to leave Japan. But first thing first, we had breakfast at Matsuya for countless times haha. We also spent all our coins we had. Bought the things that hadn’t been bought yet in the last minute. What else to say... we headed to KIX and said our hardest goodbye to Japan. Still we had a good time in KIX, Changi, and in the airplane before we had to face the reality. The saddest part is, right after we landed safely in CGK and activated our phone, I received message from my family told me that my grandpa passed away that morning. Oops I’m sorry for ruining the ending :p All in all, this whole trip was a blast worth a lifetime.

What I love about Japan:

The food! It was all beyond my tongue could expect.

The people was all friendly, kind, and *very* polite!!! *bowing sharply 90 degrees*

The vending machine you can find anything anywhere and the konbini store.

The technologies, facilities, transportation, cleanliness, they’re the best.

The balance coherence between the old and modern culture.

There are so many things Japan has to make you in love, but they say you don’t need a reason to love something (cringe).

Throughout my entire trip in Japan, it seemed like there was a balance between old and modern maintained by a strong appreciation of tradition from the times gone by. It’s something we’d never experienced in another country and made us instantly fall in love with Japan. It’s amazing to see two such extremes coexisting effortlessly and perfectly side by side. I was happy, delighted, amazed, surprised, and just plain impressed. I hope I can go back to Japan.

#Japan Osaka Kyoto

2 notes · View notes

riskeith · 4 years ago

Note

aside from that, ur graphics must look incredible! i’ve seen some comparison pics and pc graphics are God Tier. help the second lowest being “high”... good riddance. 😶

summer 2016! it seems so long ago like a whole different universe. everything was so beautiful back then.. everybody was out and about hunting pokémon’s... that zine is so cute! i wouldn’t say main i actually only got into them a little while ago and i’m still mostly tddk and kiribaku but bkdk is interesting.. to say the least. i haven’t seen what happens in the manga (only a bit of spoilers especially that cover...) and s4 didn’t give us That many scenes with them but i’m keeping my eyes open... wbu?

IDK like their descriptions make it seem like they might help you find some specific treasures??? like the gold seelie giving you fortune aka mora? not sure tho hehe... YEAH THAT FANART!!! so cute i wanna eat them all.. forbidden snack. 🥺 omg funny you mention that... i met xiao just earlier for the first time and when i saw his entire outfit i was like.. hm i wonder what he would look like in darker clothing HAHA. but yeah skins would be awesome!!!! like a clothing shop or smth somewhere????? anyway when i saw him i was like HEY that’s cluna’s boy!

ALBEDO IS A BAD BITCH. his hair is perfect perfect perfect. actually everything about him is so perfect he’s just a delicate little guy... 🥺 dude us talking about albedo and opening up the game and seeing his banner is like... 👀 temptation.

with venti??? i’m not sure which quest you mean i did the archon one with him though and it was awesome. does he have more? I DID LOOK IT UP AND MURASE IS MAKING HIS VOICE EVEN HIGHER AND IT’S SO CUTE I WISH I KNEW IT BEFOREHAND SO I COULD’VE HEARD HIS VOICE WHILE DOING THE MISSION. 😭 oh well 😭

hopefully there are some good 4 stars too. who are you wishing for? anyone special? imagine having xingqiu and chongyun.... that’s like the dream. and bennett and razor and you have the boy scout party haha!! do you have mostly claymore users?

i remember you mentioning you don’t like book users but i’ve actually really grown to love them hehe. their long range attacks are so nice and handy! KAZE DA! 😭 bro stop i literally have a crush on venti it’s ridiculous.. imagine closing ur eyes and talking and it’s his voice.... (OR HINATA!!!) murase is so lucky... he seems like such a great guy too ajsksjdk..

ok friends to lovers goodness! 🥺 i’m considering getting twitter just to see fanart... maybe.. o.o

ooooo that’s so thorough! in all caps caught my attention, why do you do that? personally, if it’s something longer i write bulletpoints of the concept but never like... actual plot yk? i’ve tried before but i doesn’t work for me very well. so.. i wing it! and like you i just get inspired randomly, it could be from song lyrics or thinking about tropes i enjoy. 😜

loona is cool! they have this whole story about their group. i highly recommend checking them out! i wonder if they kept it up though lmao. oh yeah everyone loves hozier he just speaks to the soul.. LOVELY IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!!!! LIKE EASILY TOP SONGS OF MY LIFE!!! it makes me so happy that you like it even if you skip it lmaojsjdjsjsjdk and i like billie a lot!! ariana too she has great music.., idk if you’ve heard of the group the neighborhood but i like them too. lana del rey as well! haha guess it’s super basic stuff tbh. all of them with mostly slow songs.. sorry 😭

OK GOOD. all nighters are honestly horrible. i don’t get how people can pull them off and get things done... (hopefully you never have to either!) YEAH haha 8 am is my favorite hour i think... that and 9 pm. they’re just special. what’s your favorite time of day? listen if you stay up to read fics that’s valid. midnight up is like the perfect time to read fics it makes them appear more magical sjdkdhdk.

i hope i caught you today but if not, hope you’re sleeping well babe! ♥️

sorry i was playing genshin! JFKSNXKSNKSJ i started before 12am and before i knew it it was already 1am… my goodness

and yeah i watched this vid comparing the graphic quality settings (i play on the default one) and i was like??? people really be playing like this? LOL can’t relate

edit: missed this paragraph oops but yeah what a time 2016 was! (lmao voltron started that year iirc) i remember we had an athletics event and legit everyone was on their phones jfksnfksnd. oooo! nice tddk and krbk are very good very nice. and also yeah that cover lol i love that you didn’t even have to specify which one i just Know. hmm i think rn bkdk would be one of the top ships i’m interested in aside from todobaku? they just have so much history ya know? and they have a lot of moments in the second movie! oh wait did you know that there are movies? two of them in fact!! the kiribaku is pretty strong in the first one (but there are some todobaku moments too lol). and there are a few OVAs too. WAIT are you all caught up with the anime? can’t rmemeber if you’ve told me or not 😫

oooo if that were the case tho what would the others give? i did like the “sea blue” description or something of the blue one tho 😩 YOU WANNA EAT THEM FJDJCJSKNCSKJCKSNXJS NO!!! but i can understand.. they look very squishy. THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!! honoured you thought of me <33 yo i was also wondering what chongyun would look like in darker clothes too HDKSKDN see this is why i need to learn how to draw.… gotta put them in the clothes i want since we can’t do that in game!! but a shop would be so cute omg

JFKSKSKAKS i’ve legit been staying away from opening the wish menu as much as i can.… it’s too tempting i can’t!!

yeah the archon one is what i meant sorry! forgot the name for it lol. and yes there is! once you reach AR 35 or something you can unlock story quests and venti is one of them 👀👀 RIPPPP BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW NOW 😭😭

i think just xingqiu rn!! i’ve been holding off ascending barbara in hopes of getting him, bc i grinded some oceanid (literally the worst fucking boss ever) before i ascended so i’m just hoarding those materials rn fjskdnd. yesss the boy scouts 😭🥺 but i heard chongyun and razor’s elemental skills cancel each other out so rip.. hmm i did a count and i think i have 3 each of claymore and catalyst users! hbu?

omg nooooo betrayal 😭 tho ngl i’m considering using ningguang bc i see people play her so well.. so i’m just carrying her around in my team hoping to passively level her up HAHAHA. i def appreciate their long range attacks too, lisa’s burst especially is quite nice. CHJDKSKD that’s so cute but also very relatable 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺 also did you know murase is like tall af it’s kinda crazy lol

there’s /so/ much good fanart!!! it’s where i’m getting a taste of all the ships too lol but yeah there’s angst and fluff and just charas looking s*xy they’ve got it all 😩 but that also reminds me, like most other big fandoms genshin fandom is kinda fkn shit 😔 once again i’m thankful to myself for keeping such a small circle lmaooooo

honestly i don’t know either?? i think it helps me distinguish between what i’m actually writing vs what i’m planning like if i do something like “JUMPS OFF PLATFORM, LANDS IN FRONT. so, are you going to introduce me or do i have to do it myself ETC THEN THEY TALK SUDDENLY there’s the sound of a windchime, and VILLAINS HERE GOTTA FIGHT” it’ll look something like that jdjsndkskd where the lowercase is exact dialogue I wanna write in but the caps is just planning

but winging it ey that’s hot of you 🤪 god do you ever just like thinking about potential ideas before falling asleep but then your phone is far away/you don’t wanna hurt your eyes looking at a screen but then you’re also afraid you’ll forget the idea DJKSXKSK

:o! i think i stayed away bc of the whole “stan loona” thing DHSKKS but i might give them another shot! therefore i am is one of my go to songs rn hehe i really like the beats she uses they’re so funky. i don’t really like ariana sorry FJDJKSKS but she does have a lot of bangers!! side to side… 😘👌 and i do know the neighbourhood! sweater weather is so iconic but lately i’ve been skipping that too aahah. but have you heard daddy issues slowed? oh my god. that singlehandedly started my obsession with slowed songs (ironic isn’t it when you consider i don’t listen to normal slow songs fjsjdj) i like summertime sadness from lana! and young and beautiful too (the radio songs AHAH) but yeah.. they’re slow fjdkksks. how do you feel about halsey + melanie martinez + bastille? (i’m always paranoid about listing artists bc so many get cancelled or what other and i feel like randos are gonna come for me too JDKSKSKA.) oh and troye sivan!! and pentatonix if you’ve heard of them? i was obsessed with those two back in 2015 ahaha

omg crazy.. how!! hm my favourite hour is maybe 12pm? or 2pm? just some time in the afternoon i like when it’s still light outside but it’s also like “after school” time kinda .. and yesss reading fic at late hours… gets me crying more easily 🤪

i don’t think i’ll catch your next reply so goodnight in advance!! hope your day is great <3

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post #can’t tell if it should have a ‘read more’ or not bc i’m on mobile LOL #can’t insert one even if i wanted smh tmblr make your app better

0 notes

callmetippytumbles · 7 years ago

Text

Music Shuffle

Tagged by @lizzybeth1986, @violetflipflops, @maxattack-powell and @everythingchoices

Rules: We’re snooping up on your playlist. Set your entire music library on shuffle and report the first 10 tracks that pop up! Then choose 10 additional friends.

Because I am extra, I am doing this with both my Spotify and my iTunes app and seeing what happens.

iTunes:

1. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen I have to admit that I almost laughed out loud when this was the first track that popped up. I didn't actually do it because its 4AM and my sister is dead asleep. I was just talking about this track or maybe Queen in general with Lizzy. A forever fave.

2. Pleased to Meet You by The Carnations This is a harder track to find. The Carnations are an indie band from Canada and I found out about them in 2003-2004 because of Radio Free Roscoe (Yeah, I watched that show after Degrassi: The Next Generation on the-N). They did release one album, In Good Time. They are no longer together. Still looking for one of their farewell tracks "Untitled."

3. Imagine by John Lennon I do not think I really have to have much to say about this one.

4. Somebody Needs You by Lo Fidelity Allstars I just remember hearing this track on Sex in the City. It plays in the background when Harry first tells Charlotte that he's into her. It's awkward in that it plays like what would happen if the band that was created for that one episode of that kid's cartoon Doug grew up, but its direct in its message. Even the synthesizer plays like the barking sound a catcaller would make.

5. Run, Run, Run by Phoenix I remember listening to this song on whatever the new 120 minutes on MTV was at the time. It may have been called simply Alternative. I am an old and I do not remember. The point is this song is very hypnotic and just takes you with it. A lot of the tracks I like from Phoenix are like this regardless of whether its moodier like this one or more upbeat like their later work.

6. Silvia by Miike Snow It has been a hot minute since I have given this track a listen. I should put this on a more active rotation. I do like a piano melody where each note kind of echoes and hangs in the air.

7. Perfection by Oh Land I don’t really have much of an explanation for liking this song. I just do.

8. Sunday Bloody Sunday by U2 I cannot listen to this song without thinking of Phoebe Robinson dancing to it on Instagram.

9. By the Way by Red Hot Chili Peppers This is a track I used to play heavy when I was a junior in high school.

10. The End of Medicine by The New Pornographers This is something that still gets a lot of airtime now. I am really into the drums on this track. Of all the tracks on this part of the list, it's easily the most infectious. You may get this one stuck in your head. You are welcome.

Spotify:

1. Some by Steve Lacy I heard this track on Insecure (see the trend) and have been playing it non-stop. This is a short track that can repeat many times easily and get stuck in your head. Especially if you are feeling subtly flirty. The music video is very cute too.

2. charlie by [bsd.u] All over YouTube they have all kinds of Chill, Lo-fi, hip-hop playlists. I like playing them when I am working, trying to write but I feel stressed. These are pretty chill and kind of lull your mind to a state of focus. This track was on one of those.

3. No One's Gonna Come by Sondre Lerche Listen, I love this little Scandinavian dude. All of his albums are great. If you are a hopeless romantic, like me, you need Sondre Lerche in your life. All of his music has a romanticism about it that makes you feel like you are in your own indie rom-com and that at any moment you are gonna turn a corner and BOOM! you are going to find the love of your life. Even his later work post-divorce still has that undercurrent of romanticism. Cannot recommend enough.

4. mystery child by Malcolm Kipe This is another one of those chill, hip-hop tracks. I recommend the whole album if hip-hop beats are your kind of thing.

5. Burn Rubber On Me (Why You Wanna Hurt Me) by The Gap Band I love The Gap Band. They just have some fun music and its nostalgic for me.

6. The World is Not Enough by Garbage I have always loved Shirley Manson's voice and this song really highlights it.

7. PieFace by Flying Lotus I was introduced to Flying Lotus by my sister of all people. He just makes great beats and you don't feel the need for lyrics when listening to his stuff the way you may do for others. It's kind of the sonic equivalent to a snack that is a meal unto itself.

8. House of Jealous Lovers by The Rapture This is definitely a College!Tippy selection. This was the opening track to many a night of partying.

9. Playground Love by Air I have loved Air for years. This was the track that started that love affair. I first heard it in Sofia Coppola's The Virgin Suicides. Air did the score for that film and this track played during the credits. Air is really good for setting a mood. This track is dark and sexy as opposed to dark and foreboding like the rest of the soundtrack. This is the song you play when you are having a forbidden hookup. There is longing, desire, it's illicit. Like it feels questionable in your gut but also feels good in the moment. Just hits all of those notes.

10. Until the Morning by Thievery Corporation This track is also a mood. Very chill. I think I may have heard this on a Cafe del Mar compilation. If not it definitely could be played there.

I am surprised Beyoncé did not come up once. Then again, I was a late in life Beyoncé fan so there is that.

Tagging: Everyone who has not done this yet but wants to.

#tagged #i am extra af #you are welcome for the links

5 notes · View notes

chamischa · 8 years ago

Text

February 2nd, 2009

I wrote a note 8 years ago. Little did I know that most of the things I wrote is still pretty consistent with what I feel about life today. I’ll be writing my 2017 version in bold and they are in reply to the things I wrote.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note* with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. 1. a hopeless romantic but at the same time trying to show that I'm a "ms. independent" =)

1. Man, you still are 2. walk 2.5 miles w/ richard ashcroft, keane, bloc party, mono, jason mraz, n lykke li as my soundtrack in other words i like to walk while shuffling my nano. jahaha!

2. You turn to spotify now, but you do still enjoy those songs above, maybe not Jason Mraz and now you tend to go more towards trippy and dreamy songs. I’d like to add The Knife, Royksopp, What So Not, Flume, and Purity Ring to the list, and of course Beats in Space 3. love.. LOVE .. love daydreaming, vampires, and marvel heroes

3. You are still madly in love with daydreaming, although since you work almost 10 hours a day, you don’t have that much time to daydream, vampires are still on your list of favorite things, marvel heroes are too, but lately been more interested in Extraterrestrial, The Universe, Tarot Cards, and A.Is

4. like to eat alone at whole foods union square n 2nd ave observing people ..

4. Boy, do I want to go back to moments like that, where I can just people watching, since you’re back in Jakarta it’s impossible to do that without looking creepy. Now I’d go to Akasha Express, drive around the crazy traffic of Jakarta, walk to Kemang Village with my earphones and just enjoy my me time. 5. my body and mind doesn't synchronize at all. my body wants to stop eating,, but my mind is on that ayam kremes n mint cookies n cream ice cream. snap! 5. Dearest old Mischa, I hate to say this, but you gain a lot of weight, and finally your mind wins and you end up just enjoying what the world’s cuisine has to offer. Don’t worry you’re happy although you have regrets of letting go your skinny body.

6. have this love n hate relationship with NYC

6. Baby, you shouldn’t have felt that way, because now all you have is that pain of being so far away from Home aka NYC, it is still the best place on earth. 7. i love chocolate covered almonds since I was a kid, but back then i lick all the chocolate n left the almonds for my mom.LOL, n now I eat it for the opposite reason.

7. I rarely eat snacks now, but I do big meals, you love nasi padang now, and indomie, and everything else obviously. 8. i can't leave w/out my parents. n thankful that i'm born into the nasution-sitompul family .

8. There you go, your logic still works, you let go the love of your life in order to be closer to your parents, I hope it pays off. Cause now you’re stuck in Jakarta. 9. my car and tol jakarta karawaci is my way of healing my bad temper.

9. I haven’t done that kind of a drive for a loooong time, now I just stick with driving from home to work and work to home. But a way to heal our bad temper I guess now is probably swimming. You truly enjoy swimming. Or you travel when you have the time.. 10. i can sleep for 10 hours by thinking that I'm on a beach somewhere..

10. We still love sleeping in, but 10 hours of sleep rarely happens now 11. very flexible with friends.. and my true friends know all my silly stuff ..

11. Not just flexible, tolerable, and now you have less quantity and more quality friends 12. can't seem to find the right guy at the right time. there's just always a situation where i have to choose between the two..

12. Poor old mischa, you do still have problems like that, but you did spend 6 years with someone you really loved, but yeah it’s true, the time is just not right. Now, you have a person who could be the right one at the right time. So hopefully this is God’s way to show that we can finally have both. 13. forbidden planet is a place for me to check out some cute geek guys =D

13. Dang, forbidden planet was awesome, you’re still into cute geeky guys, that apparently resembles our dad a bit. Oedipus complex much? 14. i envy free spirited people

14. You became one, the day you were one with the universe. 15. can't wait for my first road trip across the US n Europe.

15. You kinda did this alhamdulillah..both US and Europe, didn’t really do a road trip but you did many great trips. And next on your list South America trip in 2018 (crossing fingers) 16. i wanna die in Mekkah

16. I do want that, but I also want to die in front of the beach puffing Marijuana while saying kalimat Syahadat 17. i wanna try every single food offered in this world..

17. You are in pursue of that, keep going 18. hoping that one day i could have a "panti asuhan" n renovate my kampung Pahae 18. It is slowly looking like it will happen one day, soon enough. Just keep that great dream. And you promised yourself you’ll take care Dwi Putra, the school your ompung and your great ompung build for other people’s happiness.

19. i have so much memories with both of my ompungs. i love them both so much

19. You still do, time to time you would remember them and cry, you would listen to the songs they loved, and eat the food they loved 20. enjoy a good laugh

20. You still do laugh a lot, you’re quite funny and crazy, most part came from stress in work 21. wanna go to a dinner party, a wedding, a family gathering w/ that special someone.

21. Guess what, you kinda found that special someone, you’ve done weddings together, family gathering with the Sitompul, dinner party? Hmm, I won’t call it that but you’ve gone to several events together where both of your friends are present. I’m telling you, he’s special. 22. i want the ability to see my future

22. I want telepathy abilities and be a clairvoyant 23. i really really wanna be successful in life n graduated as a magna cum laude (*don't we all do) 23. Babe, you actually did graduate magna cum laude, and you have a master’s degree in fashion marketing, and you work in product development. I don’t know if that counts as being successful, but you gettin there girl

24. i want twins ..

24. Oh yeah I still do, you still do.. but unfortunately no twin genes in you or that special person. 25. i want that corny, stupid, childish, fun, unstable but stable love.. and have it last for a long long time ..

25. Scratch a long long time, make it forever. And pray that this one person you currently have in your life is that “corny, stupid, childish, fun, unstable but stable love” plus moreeeeee.

Much love,

M in 2017

1 Comment

1 note · View note

jeanxgenie · 8 years ago

Text

01.03.17

I don’t even know where to begin, talking to you has become something different entirely. A different being. I get the impression the love runs deep, and at the bottom of all the distancing and cold shoulder you show me now, a part of you is probably still in love with me.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, I wake up every day and think of you. I think I’ve settled my own head knowing it’s not me missing being your girlfriend, but I miss my best friend. We had it all and you just didn’t fight for me. I don’t know why you didn’t fight if you loved me as much as you claim to have done. It felt real, it felt right.

It’s hard for me to let go of the details and I know you’re stuck on the ones where I failed you too. We both failed each other in many ways. That was the disintegration of the relationship. I carried around so much hurt; I never truly felt like yours and I told you so many times to amend your behaviours and you’re wondering eyes but they never did stop wondering around the sea of the internet. I’d look at these girls and feel nothing but self-hatred when I saw them in their suspenders and with their perfect hair and their heavily made up faces. I didn’t stop putting in effort for the most part with my looks, granted when I was depressed I definitely could have tried harder and let myself slip. I comforted myself with sugary snacks and binge filled evenings I regretted every time. I stopped matching my underwear every morning and I lived in clothes that were comfortable rather than that complimented the curves I carry around.

I always compared my body to that of the anatomy books they show you in sex ed, the woman always depicted with wide child bearing hips and curves and natural looking tits. A soft body, feminine, realistic typical portrayal of a ‘woman’ I suppose. That is me. That is what I offer physically. I was never going to be the girl dressed in Topshop with no breasts and the hips of a boy. The baggy t-shirts and loose fit ‘mom’ jeans that have become so popular in editorials and photo shoots that scatter Instagram do nothing for me. I’ve always found it hard to be the ‘cool’ girl, to be effortless or alternative when I look my best in plain clothing that fits tight to my shape. There’s nothing punk about that. I know that. My clothes are as exciting as my personality which I feel is also beige. Regardless of all this, I knew how to turn it on when necessary, I made the effort to surprise you and I’d always make an effort for date night or when we went out for food. I wanted you to feel proud to have me on your arm.

Ours was the longest relationship I’d ever committed to. Everything about the friendship was easy, there was no denying we got on. It was the type of connection that didn’t need explanation it just was. We vibed off each other and I never felt uncomfortable hanging with you, there never felt a time of awkwardness, we could just be. I guess that’s what I miss the most, the companionship. But that got wiped out alongside the mess that was the deception and the secrecy. It was never going to be easy to be together and we were both innately aware of that fact. I remember the night you cried in the carpark to me thinking we were having to break up to make everyone else happy. That the love we felt was not allowed, it was forbidden in the eyes of our self-made ‘family’. I will never forget that night and what we went through thinking we could never openly express the love we felt.

For all that, for all the stresses and having to hide our feelings for so long, when it all as in the open and finally accepted that we were in fact together and in love I thought that was it. I thought you’d be happy, but nothing could make you truly happy and I never did get to the bottom of that. No love in the world could reach that place that resides in the depths of your head. You continued to keep me a secret from family, friends, and the people we worked with. Everything was strictly business, I had to be professional at all times, I could never be seen to be yours even when people were comfortable that I was. I was always defiant of them anyway, I didn’t give a fuck what they thought, I loved you and that was all that mattered. Fuck if anyone else couldn’t deal with my relationship outside of work or who I chose to spend my time with. That was mine and I always still owned that part of my life. It wasn’t up for discussion or for released control into the hands of the others. It was mine.

I only met your mum a couple months before we broke up. I loved your family truly, I loved getting to know them for the brief time I did. It saddened me you hadn’t let me be a part of your world sooner when you’d been welcomed into mine from the first time you slept over. Our relationship wasn’t some perfect story, we bickered like an old married couple. We often fought and clashed our heads together. To this day I still describe us as a modern day Sid and Nancy, but it worked. It was never malicious, the clashing was with love. We challenged each other. We were both so stubborn, we still are.

It was always playing in the back of my head the sea of girls that you’d befriend and the excuses that came with that. The photos of them undressed and the hilarity you found in the whole thing. The excuses were dry and once they appeared in one corner of your circle they’d creep into all aspects of your internet world. They’d be somebody on Instagram, who you’d then befriend on Facebook, who would talk to you on here, who you’d tweet to more and more. They’d worm their way in on our relationship which in fairness they didn’t know existed. You didn’t tell them I was yours. There was no inclination or hint to my existence in any of your online presence or in fact your presence in the real world. I was always the girl who was just your best friend, they would question if it was more but you never gave them an answer. There would be text messages that didn’t make sense, there would be inappropriate conversations to have had with people you’d say were just your friends. Years this went on, years and years throughout the time we were together.

I grew more and more insecure as time went on. My love for you never died, my love for myself shrunk so small it was barely visible anymore. You did know me so well, you knew how I hated and still do hate to feel alone. I struggle with my own company, and my own schedule, it coincides with the depression. The back of my mind always haunted me with the image of us marrying and you walking out on me with no remorse. I saw you walking the way my own father did in my parents’ marriage. The fear of being alone is something I’ve always struggled with, you could say I have abandonment issues, you’d probably be correct and it’s something I’m aware of. I tortured myself with the lack of knowing your habits and the reality and extent of the girls who made your head turn when I wasn’t watching. You could never give me solid proof to confirm that nothing was going on. You said it was an invasion of your privacy, but all I needed was a little reassurance and with all the love you felt for me you couldn’t even give me that peace of mind. I was forever in turmoil not knowing what was going on behind my back, you couldn’t give me a shred of confidence in you. It ate away at me, it really did.

I made my own mistakes too. Throughout all this back and forth in my own head knowing if I could live without you and be strong enough to leave my best friend knowing I deserved reassurance and love and comfort, not breach of trust, lies and deceit. I told you after I left it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in a relationship having to walk away but I did not have any other choice. You couldn’t give me the answers I needed and I was losing my mind not knowing the truth. I should have been yours, you should have wanted to scream it from the rooftops how important and in love we were but you cowered away. Even after we broke up, all it would have taken was a bunch of flowers sent to my house or you catching a bus to mine and banging down the door to see me, that fight, that need, that craving for me to not really leave. But I faced total silence, I spent weeks in silence, waiting on you again to step up to the plate and being once more disappointed. Less than twenty four hours after I ended it you were looking at other girls again. Something I’d stopped checking for the last few months we were together just so that I could pretend we were fine. I wanted that fifties version of movie romance, I wanted to pretend we were the ones living out the dream of true love. That we had that love people write songs about and dedicate books to.

Your drinking was a problem. When we were happy we would still fight if it sent you the wrong way. You had two automated channels after throwing back the booze; the funniest man I had ever met or the nastiest aggressive man I would face. I don’t miss that part and I’ve seen it even recently in you. The aggression towards others and the cutting comments. I never liked that side of you.

I’m not an innocent in this story, I know I moved on quickly from you and I. Like you said to me I cannot stand to be alone. I cannot stand my own company and I fell head first for someone who offered me the security and comfort that was missing from our own relationship. When he asked me on a date, he looked after me more so in that one evening than I had been my entire life and it surprised me. Here stood a man I never thought would show any interest in myself confessing how much he loved me, how much I turned his world into a frenzy when I stepped into it. How I came in like a hurricane and changed everything he had thought was his future. I only ever thought he would be my friend. We always got on so well when we first met but I didn’t know that would ever become something more. He had an almost fiancée and I was done with the concept of love after you and I came to an end. I felt lust, I felt passion, I felt like yes I could sleep with someone else but I never expected anything more than that. My belief in love was dead.

I thought my days of loving were over. But here he was, this man crazily unapologetically in love with all that I am, offering me the world and more. It was different from the start, he told everybody in his life who I was within only one date taking place. The day I went for a meal with him he asked me to move in. I questioned it all, it’s just chemicals and hormones and a slew of madness I thought to myself. I’m not special or worthy of this kind of emotion, why would anybody want me this much? What the hell did I do to make anyone this gaga over somebody like me? But it didn’t stop, he didn’t back down with his displays of affection. He looked after me in a way I hadn’t felt since the happiness of my childhood. I’d forgotten contentment like this for almost 12 years and here it was embodied in the safety and love of this man.

Nothings perfect, after the initial hurricane of loves first bloom my insecurities snuck up on me once more. I questioned being worthy of this love. I questioned this man’s motives, I questioned if this was real, why would he love me? What did I do to deserve this love? Was I just another fool, another stupid little girl making another of my many mistakes? My trust had been shattered for over a decade and my heart kicked back and forth like a football match between two rival teams. Fast and hard with neither side relinquishing their desire to annihilate the opposition. The depression crept back amongst my sickness. I was incredibly ill and suddenly faced with vulnerability at such an early stage of a new relationship. Having to completely lay myself bare and trust this new person to look after me whilst I was away from home and to not turn around and leave as soon as they see me at my worst. I lay in bed ugly and pale with dark circles pressed deep down into the layers of skin that wrapped around my eyes. Over the course of that week I cried, I ate, I cried more from the pain, I questioned if he would leave me, if he would still really love me when he saw me like this. Still he was there every day, every hour of the morning on the phone to the DR, holding my body when I moaned out in pain, bringing me fluids when I only managed two hours sleep one night to try and get me to eventually rest my eyes. It was a hard week, physically yes but also emotionally for myself a huge test.

I became restless and he saw it making its way back into my life. He could see the darkness and the uneasiness I felt. My inability to sit still in front of the TV and just relax of an evening. It was like I had itchy feet and needed to be constantly stood. That next morning he left for work I cried until my eyes shrunk behind the surrounding skin, puffed up like meringue. The tears came and didn’t stop flowing, there was no reasoning with myself to get it together and stop this stupid feeling of sadness. The seal was broken and it was too late to stop the leak, I was broken again and I knew that day was a right off. I phoned around desperate for someone to talk to, I even tried to talk to you my ex-lover in hope you could even support me as a friend but you turned the other way. I understand why, I also felt a deeper sense of abandonment. Know that I had forgiven you for all your past mistakes as a way to remain friends, I forgave all the hurt and I still cared deeply about your wellbeing despite being the first to move on. I get the sense it’s too hard for you to care about mine. I wondered if you’d care if I died, if my body was no longer in existence on this earth what you would feel.

I’ve felt like dying ever since that day, it’s been a week now and the feelings haven’t left. My head tortures me with images of my body hanging from my bedroom ceiling. The illness teasing me with ways out from the life that I’m struggling so much with living at present. I still don’t feel well from whatever virus I picked up when my love looked after me so patiently. I’m so sick of being sick and so tired of being tired. Battling just my head alone is the greatest challenge I continue to face as the years come and leave, to have to battle both my physical and mental health when neither are at a level that makes my life liveable is a challenge that belittles and engulfs me.

I left my love, they sent me home from where I was working alongside him. I sit here alone in my room as I write this and reflect on all these things that have been clogging up my head. All this emotion and fraught distress that has overwhelmed me. Abandonment is an issue I cannot digest and it’s harder knowing I must rest and recover here in my home alone than to be physically unwell but continue to surround myself with others. I failed at my job with him, I failed at my job as a musician and I have failed my new relationship in many ways slipping to such lows so early on. The issues we contend with have potential to make the bonds that tie us close snap. He became so angered and I questioned leaving him, such a new love only newly bloomed and I was ready to walk away. Depression has a habit of stealing everything from underneath you and leaving you completely alone with just yourself and it. It steals everything that makes you a person and cuts each part off one by one until you are alone. It waves goodbye to any interests or hobbies you once enjoyed, it tells you you’re not worthy of the love from your family and friends. It wants you alone with it, it wants you vulnerable and weak and for you to get sucked into the point of giving up on everything for it. It wants you dead. Depression doesn’t give a fuck about you the person, it wants you gone from this world. Depression wants to send souls to the other side, its goal is to eliminate people one by one through entering their heads and informing them they are not worthy of the life they have been given.

When you see great battles re-enacted in film or hear of tactics and bravery throughout some of the wars in history it may seem of ill taste to begin to compare something of such great scale to that of a mental illness. For me at least, that’s how fraught the battle is, that is how hard it is to face the day. Fighting your depression is like going to battle against the world’s best army with a wooden sword and a frail body. The smallest things makes you crack under pressure. The boundaries of coping and what you are able to cope with diminish. I find myself bursting into hysterical tears over such small failures, often of which the people around me see as me doing something at an acceptable level. Try telling someone they’re great at something when they think they are the shit stain of society. Good luck convincing them they aren’t.

I’ve been writing this for almost two hours now and there’s still so much more I could say. These are the tangled web of thoughts that I’ve needed to put out somewhere that isn’t a spin cycle in my own brain. We all need that release. I miss my lover every day we are apart. I believe in trying to salvage the best out of new encounters and knowing that you deserve to be treated well. I try to tell myself every day I am a person worthy of his love and there’s parts of me he sees that I don’t know how to love myself but that one day in his arms I will love them too. I could become too much for him, I’ve lost lovers at the cost of my own head before, and it is not easy to date someone of such negative disposition. I believe love exists again, I believe it comes to us at different times under various different guises and I believe I currently have the love I need. I hope that this illness doesn’t take that from me either. I also respect that it is also out of my control.

I miss my best friend every day, but I hope in time he will forgive me for moving on. I love the man I’m with, I appreciate his resilience and drive to succeed and to not let me fall behind. It’s a different kind of love, no two relationships are the same. Bonds and friendships are paramount but trust is of greater importance. Care and feeling are of greater importance, I need to be looked after. I need to be cared for and supported as much as I support the person I’m with. I need stability and rationality and sometimes that isn’t exciting in the way drama is when it knocks at the door, but its adult and it’s sensible but it’s consistently still there every morning. Yes there was an excitement to having to constantly prove myself, to constantly try and keep someone else’s attention on me, but the darker side to that life was the crumbling of my own self esteem.

Love should make you flourish, make you want to be the best version of yourself you can put out into the world. It should still support you at times where you are ready to recoil from life. Love should only damage when it is taken away, not when it is meant to coexist between two souls and the lives that they live. Love shouldn’t thrive on insecurity, it shouldn’t have to prove anything nor require you to prove you deserve it. Love is selfless not selfish, it gives to the other, it ensures the other person is ok, it ensures that they make it through. Love is laughing and experiencing more than just the home you inhabit. Love is being comfortable enough to spend time at home and embrace each other’s needs and silences.

I have faced so many personal challenges over the past four months that have led to me breaking and having to rebuild the foundations again. My health has caused constant worry, I have been drugged up on prescription after prescription with no clearer understanding of what is wrong with me. My head has sunk low and my mental state has succumbed to the demons that circle from a distance, they waited for my health to decline and my head to snap and swooped in violently gripping their hands around my skull. I’ve been trying to vanquish their grip since, I have my love, I have friends I have family and I have to continue in weakness to fight.

1 note · View note

thedownhill · 8 years ago

Text

A Road Trip, or Why I Hate NPR

The Wife is originally from Dallas, and most of her immediate family still lives there. This means that five to six times a year, whether for a holiday, birthday, wedding or funeral, we load the Toddler Daughter, a ton of toys, clothes and snacks, and a few suitcases into the trunk of our car and traverse the 240-ish miles up I45 between Houston and the MetroPlex. The drive really isn't terrible. There’s a Buc-ee’s filling station in Madisonville (for those unfamiliar with one of our regional crown jewels, Buc-ee’s is essentially the Tiffany’s of gas stations) that we typically stop in to stretch legs, empty bladders, replenish snacks and break up the monotony of the drive. The road’s in fairly good shape and the traffic moves swiftly. There isn't much to see between the Sam Houston statue in Huntsville and the Galaxy Drive-In Theater in Ennis, but this lack of interesting sights helps keep the stops to a minimum and we can generally make the trip in between four and five hours.

Usually I drive, the Wife rides shotgun, and the Toddler Daughter sits in the back seat watching My Little Pony or Wallace and Gromit on an old iPad. Keeping the kid entertained is easy. Just a few cartoons does the trick nicely. Her needs are minimal — bright colors, strange voices, lots of action — and readily met. The issue of in-car entertainment is really more of an area of strife between the Wife and me.

Music is an issue for us.

I’ll admit it: I have boring and conventional musical taste. I like 90s grunge music and straightforward rock and roll. Give me some Pearl Jam, Springsteen, Rolling Stones, Smashing Pumpkins, the Ramones, Nirvana and Guns ‘n Roses and I’m a happy camper. The wife claims this is all boring, phallo-centric, mush-mouthed yelling from untalented three-chord snore bands. They’re loud and boring and all the songs sound the same.

She, on the other hand, really likes more modern bands that seem to be built from equal parts eighties synth pop and a barista/poet from Williamsburg named “Leif”. All of her bands have names that are just an adjective and a noun like Lone Possum, or Red Shirt, or Running Scissors. What they lack in stadium rock guitar riffs, they make up for with synthesizers and unresolved angst stemming from always knowing they disappointed their dads. They’re quiet and boring and all the songs sound the same.

So for road trips, music is generally out. Even the one album we agree on, Beyoncé’s sublime Lemonade is forbidden thanks to the Toddler Daughter in the back seat and her penchant for repeating everything she hears. We don’t need her greeting her Dallas grandpa with a cheerful “Who the fuck do you think I is?” We generally like the same comedians, but they’re out of the question too for the same potty-mouthed reason.

On our most recent road trip, the Wife downloaded a bunch of NPR podcasts for the drive. Here’s another confession: I hate hate hate hate National Public Radio with a burning passion (except for Car Talk). All my smart friends love NPR and recoil in disgust after I make my personal animus known. Listening to NPR, for me, is like riding in the car with a really boring, really tired, really uninteresting Noam Chomsky for a few hours.

While I’m certainly in their target demographic of college-educated, liberal-leaning, white, middle-aged professionals, I still can’t get behind NPR. It’s so boring. Every single voice that’s ever spoken into an NPR microphone sounds like he’s taken an Ambien right before going on air. The stories are inane and unquestionably boring. There’s no emotion. They report on a pitched battle in Syria with the same emotional imperative that they report on the rise of Yelp! celebrities.

I think it’s really the tone, or rather lack of tone that turns me off. We live in a world full of both unquestioned tragedy and unparalleled victories, of mass stupidity and some of the most inspiring scientific achievements in history. And NPR reports it all with the same monotone, bored, slightly condescending lack of urgency. They want to be so intellectual and fact-based that they forgot people need a little sizzle with their steak. Say what you will about conservative AM talk radio, but at least there’s some outrage and passion.

We were just outside of Dallas, heading south on our latest trip, when the Wife starts fiddling with her iPhone. What do you want to listen to? she asks. I don’t care, I lie to her. We listened to most of the good podcasts on the way up, she says. We didn’t listen to anything good on the way up, I’m smart enough to think and not say.

This looks good, she says. Then a voice comes on over the car speakers and drowns out the hum of the road. Hi. Today on 99% Invisible we’re proud to bring you Containers from Alexis Madrigal. This eight-part series explores how shipping containers have transformed the landscape of the Bay Area and impact the world economy.

I initially thought it was an old Simpsons joke: Hi! I’m actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from such NPR podcasts as “Key Cards, from Hotels to Your Job, We Access Your Life” or “Teflon, DuPont’s Wackiest, Happiest Accident.” Today, I bring you part one of our eight-part series on “Shipping Containers: the Giant Boxes Holding Our Tiny, Fragile Dreams!”

I grit my teeth and stare straight ahead as two people whom I’ve never met begin to discuss how important shipping containers are to my everyday life and material happiness. After about two minutes, I can’t take it anymore.

Are you serious about this? I ask the Wife. What? she asks back. This. This podcast. I don’t care about shipping containers. I don’t want to listen to people talk about shipping containers, I tell her.

This is where I should explain something about the Wife. Specifically this: she’s better than me. She works harder than me. She’s smarter than me. She’s more willing to try new things than me. She likes to travel more than me. And she’s generally more curious about the world than me. And that’s why she likes NPR. For all the fault that I find with NPR, it does do a good job of embracing a holistic view of the world. Its producers seek out stories that try to inform people on topics that they may have never thought of prior to listening to NPR. Most NPR listeners can be fascinated by the mundane because they can shift their thinking and consider the undeniably boring in new, better ways. Smart people like the Wife can find a new respect for the humble shipping container based on an NPR story.

But I can’t.

You have to have some music on your iPhone somewhere. I don’t care what it is. Just so long as it isn’t people talking about shipping containers.

I have this French dream pop band called Isaac Delusion downloaded. We can try that, she tells me.

As long as it’s music and not talking, I’ll take it.

So we listened to French dream pop on the way home from Dallas. And you know what? It was absolutely terrible.

Buying Advice: Even though I hate it, you can make a donation to your local National Public Radio station at http://www.npr.org/stations. You can also find Isaac Delusion’s latest album on iTunes. Here’s Buc-ee’s website: www.buc-ees.com. Try their homemade fudge.

#NPR #buc-ee's

0 notes