#truly I am struggling to explain to my mom why I am feeling like this

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Not nonbinary as in “third distinct gender” or “lack of gender”, nonbinary as in “pressure’s off; I don’t have to label whatever the fuck is going on in there”

[bbwcasey]

It feels strange and vulnerable to write something this personal here, but maybe that's why I’m doing it. Maybe because I feel like you all are the only ones who might truly understand the storm inside me—the anger and sadness that’s just really hard to put into words.

I've briefly mentioned my aunt before. She was my rock when my dad was deployed and my mom was working long hours. During that part of my childhood, she was the one who raised me. At her heaviest, she weighed over 700 pounds, almost 800. Over the years, I’ve been careful not to share too many details about her, because sadly, some of you struggle to respect the clear boundaries that should exist here.

She died on Monday. And she died in a way no one should ever have to. My heart is absolutely shattered.

She had been living in a bariatric care facility for over a decade—bed-bound, very limited mobility. For as long as I can remember, that was her reality. I watched it unfold slowly, starting in high school when she lost the ability to walk, when taking care of her became a shared effort between me, my mom, and my Yiayia. We loved her, we cared for her the best we could. But, as time passed, her needs became too great, and she was moved into the care of professionals. At least, that's what we thought.

But the facility failed her. They failed her in the most basic of ways. She needed a 4-person assist just to be bathed, just to go to the bathroom—and that wasn’t always available. Sometimes it was because of understaffing. Sometimes it was pure negligence. And that neglect led to infections. One of them turned into necrotizing fasciitis—a flesh-eating bacteria. That’s what killed her. That’s how she died. Suddenly. Painfully. Needlessly.

I am furious. And I am heartbroken.

It messes with my head in ways I can’t even explain. I’ve spent so much of my life obsessed with the idea of being that big, fantasizing about being absolutely massive, and now, here I am, mourning my aunt who lived that reality. I don’t know if she ever felt the way I feel about it. I don’t know if the things I think about were part of her experience. Honestly, I don’t want to know. Don’t make this weird. It’s not about that.

But I do know she was involved in NAAFA, long before I was even born—back when the lines between what we now call body positivity and fat acceptance were just starting to be drawn. So, there’s this overlap, this strange connection that I can’t quite reconcile in my head. I’m not scared by what happened to her, but I am devastated by it. I don’t want this for anyone, and it’s hard to see the reality of what we talk about here through this lens. It’s hard to hold space for all of it.

I don’t know how to wrap this up neatly because there’s nothing neat about this. I’m grieving. I’m angry. I’m confused. But mostly, I’m just sad. Sad for her. Sad for me. Sad for a world that lets people like her slip through the cracks because they were deemed too much—too much to care for, too much to handle, too much to love.

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t too much. She was just enough. She was everything. And I miss her.

I hate that I feel the need to add this disclaimer, but before anyone starts chirping and taking things out of context—no, this doesn’t change anything for me, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m still here, still the same weirdo who loves being fat and getting fatter. It’s just… complicated. I’m sad. It’s sad. That’s all.

[doraambrose]

I see this alot in fanon and I think jason Todd's parents are completely misunderstood.

Disclaimer: I am not a victim of parents with drug abuse nor have a I ever done drugs. I sympathize and emphasize with people who struggle with drug abuse as there are many reasons to get into it and it's very hard on your body to get clean, I will link help organizations below. This does mean that I can be a little ignorant to the struggles so if I say anything offensive or wrong, please call me out and educate me so I don't make the same mistake

Jason's family has been retconned so many times, it's hard to keep it straight. But this is my headcannon based on what I've seen:

1. I feel like a lot of people write Willis Todd to be this awful abusive scumbag who hated his kid and his wife. If you are talking about young justice or arkhamverse, this canonically true, but I think that's far from the truth in the main universe, prime or whatever it's called. In batman 411, jason is clearly distraught by Willis' death and does try to avenge him by lashing out at Two face. We also can't forget about the incident with the penguin that led to the worst Bruce and jason characterization before gotham war. And that's because of one rhato issue where jason finally reads willis' letters (a truly heartbreaking issue: rhato rebirth 23)

I believe that Willis wasn't a bad dad. Not a good dad, but not an awful abusive one. I 100% believe he has never abused his family in this universe. And you know what, he wasn't a great person. He was a drug dealer and then a henchmen. But he CARED. He cared about his family. He tried so hard to provide for Catherine and Jason for their medical bills, food, shelter. He just had a poor upbringing and some real shit luck, trying to survive in poverty in Gotham city.

2. Catherine has been written in fanon to be a perfect caring mother who was nothing but a victim. I believe that she wasn't as good of a mother and a person as people make her out to be. And we haven't seen everything, but I believe this because she seems selfish. She seems to put herself and her drug addiction before her family, doesn't seem to even try to get clean or take care of jason or provide. Look at these panels:

She neglected Jason. He had to go out and put his life on the line day after day when it should've been the other way around. Jason was a kid. And don't get me wrong, she probably loved jason and had good intentions, no, she definitely loved him, or else jason wouldn't canonically think as highly of her and take care of her the way he did, but she wasn't perfect and I don't think she was as good of a mother as she's made out to be.

3. Canonically, jason seems to really care for Catherine, but not Willis. I have a theory about that. For why he thinks so highly of catherine: I've never had a parent who suffered from drug abuse, but I do have a parent who suffered from a lot of mental health issues like depression, diagnosed, and I feel like bpd, though it was never diagnosed. When things were bad, they were BAD. I witnessed a lot. But when things were good, things were REALLY GOOD. I feel like when Catherine would come off the drug haze, things were like that. She probably took care of him during those times and was loving and all that. Catherine is the one parent figure Jason has to hold onto (because of all the shit with Bruce, Sheila, etc.). He forcibly removes the bad shit she's done and hangs onto the good things she's done because she really did care about him and in life, it seems harder to hate your mom than your dad (from what i have heard when i did research on this from friends). I've done that for years, and idk if I'm explaining it right, but I think that's the best way I can. For why he doesn't love willis: I think up until he read the notes, he didn't have the full picture. From his perspective, willis leaves to do crime and then eventually gets caught and left forever. I think he blamed willis for making jason become "the man of the house" and have all this extra responsibility. Willis also strikes me as the type of parent who has trouble expressing feelings, so jason probably rarely, if ever, heard "I love you" from his dad. Willis also strikes me as the person who would believe that he needs to make his son stronger in order to survive, and there are a lot of parents like that, especially parents from a low income household or a history of poverty.

In conclusion, both parents were FAR from perfect parents, but they're not as evil or as innocent as people write them in fanon. They're just...people. fanon likes to write comic people as black or white, innocent or abusive, but in reality, It's a gray area. Willis had his flaws, I hc him as one of those old fashioned kind of dads who wants his son to be tough and strong and isn't good with sharing his feelings, but does truly care about his family and NEVER was abusive. Catherine was a mother who definitely cared about her family, but wasn't an innocent victim and had her own flaws.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[pong03]

Kaito character analysis

Let's start light before I get more into the conspiracy theorist ramblings. in nsfw stuff I have read I feel like he is commonly misunderstood. I have read a lot where he is hasty, unemotional and self-serving... although I can see where hasty and lazy may come from but, think about: Kaito towards MC focuses on making her happy and although not always successful it is his main goal, BUT to write him as UNEMOTIONAL.

Y'all he is the most emotional of any man in the whole series. especially, in a first time headcanon post he should not be written as unemotional... we all know he would be crying and being like "MC you're such an angel boo hoo" and "I'm so glad I had my first time with you." he might be quick to finish but I think he would very guilty and put effort towards making it up to MC as soon as he was physically able. ALSO one thing I read he just was written as giving no aftercare,,, sorry am I the crazy one to say Kaito (most of frostheim) would be the most into aftercare?? His grandma always told him blah blah blah.. to him sex wouldn't even parallel to the aftercare experience, and tbh dude would be the one to need it the most. Tell me he wouldn't do everything the MC told him too and if was even slightly degrading to her he would be SOBBING afterwards all like "I'm sorry I said all that mean stuff, I know you asked but I don't believe any of it. You're SOOO NICE." You can't disagree with me yk I'm right. Okay.. I'm like trying to keep this part short but kind of failed. Obviously your head canons are what you're entitled to... just I feel like a lot of people admit to struggling to write him so maybe they'd preesh a post like this. HML if you want Kaito advice ig okay, admittedly this second part is a bit in-depth... like could be a reach but I have A LOT of evidence so hear me out. We all know Kaito hates being a ghoul and is considerably weaker willed than the other ghouls, he is also raised by his grandma. We can assume this because she is the ONLY family member he talks about (on the home screen and in the story) and the process of becoming a ghoul is intense right? Something that would be surprising if he regrets becoming one and is the big ol baby that he is. I think that Kaito's parents are the ones who made the deal, and they didn't survive. He was born to a poor family we know this because he talks about it all the time. SO my personal thought is he was born to a single mother who didn't have any funds to raise him even with the grandmother's help, so she wishes for greatness for her baby, and makes a deal with a devil to protect her child. Because we know he doesn't have the academics to get in Frostheim and he probably was not open about being a ghoul, it's a hoe-scaring quality. So I think he's basically got assigned-plot-armor-at-birth. and basically the demon could be kind of like how luca's monster is possibly his brother, and his mom's soul in entwined with a demon's (like a ghoul's would be) and basically they co-parent him which would explain why his stigma is so weak comparatively to other ghouls. this is more exploratory, but what I truly BELIEVE bare bones is: Kaito's parents are the one's who made the deal. That's it that's all I truly believe in and everything else is speculative. I just think it would be cool especially because I think the process of becoming a ghoul is left especially vague for this purpose. Hehe let me know what you think about this and other things that you personally think about kaito! I'm really curious about other fan's thoughts.

[torialefay]

Hey! Here is my chart! Thank you so much for doing this. You honestly have no clue how excited I am. 😂

The many similarities in have with Chan is sometimes ridiculous, but I have a feeling you’re going to be able to see that. 😂😂

Let me know if you need anything!

xxmel

Here you are little honey ❤️

Ascendant in Gemini (1st house):

Yayayay Ascendant in Gemini. Same as Chan’s. From what I’ve seen, I think any air sign is naturally initially drawn to any other air sign. Especially in that witty Gemini energy, I think the connection between the two of you would be electric right off the bat. I think it’s even more supported by y’alls Libras both in Mercury… Like the convos would be SUPERIOR. It’s just one of those things that I think even if you had different stances on something, you’d really get why the other person felt that way and would leave with a newfound understanding and appreciation for their opinion.

In everyday life, I think this would manifest as lowkey being the party couple. Y’all just GET others and like to be around them (only limited tho bc y’all both have a lot of cerebral shit going on and even though you’re good at small talk, you have to escape sometimes and get that real mental stimulation.) I do see your friend groups intertwining though. He’d be besties with all your friends.

Midheaven in Pisces (12 house):

I normally don’t do Midheaven unless there’s a planetary placement there, but when I saw yours, I was like okayyyyy this makes sense. The way I see midheaven is that it’s heavily reflected in your online or social media presence. Being a Pisces Sun, I’m ngl I was like ‘okay this girl is just like me’ the first time you messaged me! Even though my MC is in Aquarius, I realllly see an extension of MC into the 11th house (so my Pisces too). I literally love the MC in Pisces placement bc I feel like it’s just so natural for making friends. I’m gonna bet you easily make friends through social media, even from the first time reaching out. And obviously Pisces being the ruler of the 12th house, you had to talk to me over our witchy, astro, spirituality shit bc it’s in your starrrrrs 🤭

Sun in Virgo in the 4th house:

Idk why but I hardly ever see 4th house placements on here… But you’re literally a married woman though so go figure. I feel weird explaining things bc I know you already know this…. SO I would bet that you’re a pretty cozy girl. Don’t get me wrong, you can def get along with people on a night out or something, but I think you’d be a great mothering type. Even if you don’t have or want kids, you probably have some quality about you that would bring a lot of comfort to those you live with. With practicality being involved, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were very supportive in your family endeavors and great at giving advice!

I’d also say from this placement that when you make friends, you turn them into family. People who meet you originally see you as fun, smart, and charming (even if you won’t admit it), but when getting closer to you, they realize that you are actually a really good friend who will always be truthful with them. In this way, I think the people that you allow into your life are those you deeeeply care about and treat them as one of your own.

Note: I also just feel like this plays into you expecting a lot of yourself. That’s all, just wanted to point that out (but Chan too so lord help yall).

I think this is a great placement with Chan tbh. We all know he’s has a “father” aspect to the kids, and I honestly think you’d be able to take on a mothering role to them as well. I could see your younger friends calling the both of you “Mom and Dad”. <3

Moon in Taurus in the 12th:

I loveeeee this placement and think it’s a great one with Chan. Reading your chart just seems to back every little thing up. Ofc Chan’s moon is in Libra so he needs that balance in life, but of course he has a hard time getting it with his internal struggles of knowing himself for who he truly is. I think it would be great for him to have a strong, steadfast sign like Taurus to support him and make him feel known. I feel like a lot of people view Taurus as this stubborn, unwavering sign, but I just don’t fully agree. I think the only time this is true is when they feel like they see things that others clearly DON’T. With it ruling over beauty and love, you’d be able to assure Chan in a very nurturing way. I could see you healing him in ways that he doesn’t even realize until he looks back to see how far he’s come in learning to love himself. The 12th placement is so wholesome too, I think it’d deffff be a soul-healing experience.

Mercury in Libra in the 5th house:

With your placement here in the 5th, I’d venture to guess that you are someone who looooooves having deep conversations. You probably also love being able to help people by giving them advice. It’s likely that being able to accurately communicate with people of all kinds is important to you. With Libra neeeeeding their harmony too, you probably have a sweet way of talking to people that makes them feel seen and understood (you prob really want this too tho hehe).

Chan’s Mercury is also in Libra, so I’m sure you would both have good communication for the most part. The ONLY thing I could somewhat worry about with both being in Libra, you both tend to avoid conflict. You would have to MAKE sure to talk with each other honestly, even if it could possibly hurt the others feelings (especially making sure to not sugar coat things too much). I will say, with all your Virg placements, I do see you having the upper hand in communication. Solving problems between the two of you, I also think you have the upper hand at analyzing what is the true problem and getting to it that way.

Venus in Virgo in the 4th house:

This placement tells me that you have a very loving, but not too suffocating, nature when in relationships with others. I think to be in a relationship with you would feel very stable. You are likely just GOOD at relationships. You understand what it means to be a good partner and how to make others feel loved. I look at the Virgo-Pisces axis as the axis of service… you having the upper hand at MAKING service (esp to a partner) happen. I look at Chan’s Libra as being on the “focus” axis, obviously his focus being on other people… wanting to please them.

Long story short, I think y’all would be great at making sure each other’s needs are being met. Whether that’s how frequent, where, and what types of things you’d like to explore in the bedroom.

Mars in Virgo in the 4th house:

With this placement, I think that having a pleasant surrounding, especially in the home, is gonna be super important to you. With that Virgo energy though, I do think this is a place you need to be careful with Chan. Since you have such high expectations of yourself, you may also expect others to live up to this standard. Chan’s Mars lives in Sag, so he may be a little more predisposed to needing his own freedom… or he may just not get it a little bit lol. And Chan can be explosive in fights so he defff wouldn’t like if he felt that way. But with all of your Virgo placements PLUS that Libra Mercury energy, I think you’d be able to make up just fine and reconcile. <3

Overall thoughts:

Big Mommy and Daddy energy. Y’alls relationship would be sickeningly sweet and cute and nurturing and understanding and ugh i cant stand yall 🙄

[my-castles-crumbling]

I am currently really struggling to understand myself and my gender. I've talked to a few people who all say similar things "you don't need to label it" or something like that. Which I get, I don't need to, but, what's causing me the most stress is the fact that I can't label it, I don't understand it or myself because I don't know what it is. I could be genderfluid, I could be non-binary, I could be lots of things but I don't know what I am and I hate it.

Sorry that is not what I wanted to say. Basically I wanted to ask whether getting a binder would be worth it. Because I would have to talk to my mum (I am out to my mum but like I said I don't actually know what I am, so it's difficult to explain what makes me comfortable or not to do with my gender) and she has always been one of those people who say that getting bras that fit and are supportive is really important. I get that, really, but I feel like because of that she won't let me get one and I don't know how to feel about that.

So do you think it's worth it?

(note- you are a wonderful person, thank you so much for being you and helping all the people that you do)

Hi! <333

Honestly? Yes. Here's why:

The only way you're going to truly figure out what makes you feel comfortable and euphoric is if you try different things. Luckily, a binder doesn't involve surgeries or medication, so it's a relatively easy thing to try. Especially since it seems like your mom is a relatively safe person to ask.

If it seems like your mom is resisting a binder based on the fit or safety questions, I'd suggest doing research together. Find reputable sites that ship to your area with pages that tell you the safe ways to wear binders (usually for only 8 hours at a time and never while sleeping). Work together to make a plan of how you will safely wear one (if you even end up liking it). Also, find a site that allows for returns. That way, if you don't like it or it fits wrong, you can always send it back.

To me, it seems like a good step toward exploring your gender with relatively low risk.

As far as your gender identity in general? While I completely agree with what you said about nor needing to label it, I understand why you want to know more about yourself. But remember- don't rush. Don't pressure yourself. Try different low-risk things to express yourself in different ways until things start to feel good.

You've got this, and I support you <3

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[imposterogers]

hello, I don't know how serious you were when you said "someone needs to psychoanalyse Harry Osbourn" but ask and ye shall recieve? I am running on 4h of sleep, and just write my penultimate final so, like, this isn't the most consise or detailed but it does answer every rhetorical(?) question you posed. I'm explaining all the psych stuff assuming you don't have any orientation to the bullshit I'm about to spew, and I'm adding in links wherever explaining this will take too long so.... this is going to be a little pretty long.

Now, ideally psychoanalysis would be done via multiple hour long session (like nearly 20+) where the client just talks about their past memories, childhood, how they feel right now and what they think. Occasionally we throw in a dream or two, to see what their unconscious desires are. Essentially it’s very talk based, and in person is obviously the best. Since Harry is (a) fictional, and (b) not giving me enough screen time in the movie to just use the words he says, I'm not treating Harry like a client. Instead I'm just taking what we know about him and applying psychodynamic theories to him and treat him like a case study.

Now, I'm not actually sure how serious you were about the Psychoanalysing

We’re beginning with two main theories, 1. Freud’s Psychosexual Stages of Development: where the exploration of sexuality, formation of gender, it’s influences on self and the desires of a person are formed. 2. Erickson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development: which tells us what social needs were met, what weren’t, and how that influences personality/behaviour.

Note: Because it’s Freud and the late 1890s, sex and gender are the same and only the binary exists. Thus, this theory doesn’t look at gender, sexuality and is VERY outdated. These explanations are only used for heteronormativity, and homosexuality is considered a perversion from norm (which I’ll go into)

#1: Infancy to Toddler-hood:

My guess, due to Norman being abusive, cold, distant and uses money/luxury gifts to show his affection (if any), shit hits the fan from Stage 1 of the Psychosocial Stages: Trust vs Mistrust (0-Toddler age). At this stage it’s super important for a child to be around their primary care givers. Not having a primary care giver (parent, grand parent, nanny — someone who’s there with the child forming a deeply intimate bond) leave children with a sense of mistrust in the world. It make’s them prone to insecurity, and give the child unhealthy patterns of attachment, generally making them very “hope-less” (as in they are more likely to feel hopeless, isolated and alone and not just like... pathetic).

Assuming Emily Osborn died like a year after Harry was born, it's been somewhat implied she died due to post-pregnancy complications, Harry didn't have his mom around during the v imp phase. Norman is said to have really loved her and there’s a chance that after her death, Norman blamed Harry and treated him terribly. Either way, this means Harry grew up without the necessary bond post age 1, which has fundamentally fucked him and his perception of the world. Pair with this the entitelement that comes with wealth, and it's just truly too much.

#2: Toddler-hood to Childhood:

Now I’m going to the phallic stage (ages 3-5, toddler to child). This is from the psychosexual development, Freud’s theory. (Note: not the same theory as mentioned in the previous point). The middle stages in both theories are somewhat irrelevant to explain why Harry’s so.. that, but I can elaborate if you need it??

During the phallic stage, the idea is that the (cis)male child struggles with the Oedipus complex. He develops an attraction for the parent of the opposite sex, but is threatened by the parent of the same sex and thus begins to imitate the same sex parent to win the opposite sex parents affection.

So the son is attracted to the mother, but is threatened by the father (this specific fear in men is called castration anxiety for boys). Thus they imitate their father and his behaviour, hoping to receive affection from women who are like his mom. This obviously can influence the way he treats women.

Freud says neither heterosexuality nor homosexuality are innate, they are instead how we resolve our phallic stage — heterosexual is normal way to resolve it, and homosexual is to deviate from the norm. Now homosexuality could be a fixation of this stage — not resolving the conflict with his father and being heterosexual, will make him gay.

But I think he’s bi, so Harry associates with his father the way Freud expects children to, thus making him attracted to women as per normal (and also, this is why he identitfes as male, and doesn't have gender confusion). But he has unresolved his issues with Norman and wants his fathers affection and love. Both his parents are equally unattainable to him, one is dead the other is distant. Thus, Harry has to deviate from the norm on an unconscious level, and wants his fathers approval which he will get via the same resolution. This just means he loves and seeks approval from both men and women, which just like... makes him bi???? (keep in mind, sexuality and gender spectrum is the biggest limitation to Freud's theory

#3: Childhood

I’m skipping to the inferiority vs industry stage (ages 6-11) in the psychosocial stages where the child learns to either be industrious — confident, social, ambitious; or feels inferior.

I think Harry became industrious, he was taught to be strong and be the ruthlessly aggressive bully, and was also doing that because it was what got him his dad’s approval. He unlearns it, but it is also his nature, in a more innate way.

This stage in the psychosocial theory, starts right where the phallic stage in psychosexual ends. So, I’m guessing that Harry resolves his sexuality crisis via Freud, but his social needs of love, belonging and care are still up in the air, which he resolves via Erickson’s. This appeases his base consciousness, he has two problems, they are solved. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not, he is literally 10. He does what worked for him, and associates with his fathers way again making him the confident bully that we see him as.

So now we come to Peter... what’s up with that?

Peter is smart like his father. His need for his fathers love is thus projected here. There’s a sort of transference, his need for approval from dad is not only found in Peter, but like Peter actually genuinely loves him too. Emily, his mother, no idea what she’s like but let’s she loved him unconditionally, and he probably felt safe around her — Peter evokes those same feelings in Harry. Thus, his means of resolving his gender and sexuality crisis during the phallic stage is coming back to bite him in the ass, via Peter. He’s like the mix between what he needed socially, love and acceptance; with what he desires, approval from his father who is a smart man

Why does he treat MJ like that? Because that’s how Norman shows love and affection to a person. Norman just spoilt this boy with his riches, and didn’t show an ounce of love or affection, and thus Harry assumes spoiling MJ is how he can show that he loves her.

Why is he dating MJ, the girl his best friend loves. Remember that bit about attraction to the opposite sex parent, so you associating with the same sex to win affection? Well. He’s doing that… but wrong. He is associate himself with what the object of his affection (Peter) is attracted to (MJ), in hopes that he will become like said object of attraction (like MJ), thus winning over (because Peter will now want him). I am not claiming that Harry is normal, or ok. I’m just saying, this is how you can explain it.

Why take Peter out on these not-dates? Same logic as point 2, it’s how he shows affection.

Why does Harry ask Peter to go hit on MJ? Denial. The defence mechanism of denial specifically

I can go on, but I will stop. PS. Also, you’re right. Not only is Harry in love, he subconsciously desires Peter? Like on a carnal level.

harry osborn has been psychoanalyzed

[ruminate88]

Traumatic Events?

My whole life I’ve never understood “Trauma” or “Being Traumatized”. Those words weren’t even in my vocabulary. I knew what it felt like to be “lonely”, “invisible”, “made fun of”, “bullied online”, “exploited.” Never saw any of that as “Traumatic”…..

So week of thanksgiving last year, I decide to decorate my house with Christmas lights early because it’s so much work to put them up and tare them down. Well, I fell putting up the Christmas lights. I mean, I smacked hard on our concrete driveway. When it first happened, I thought I broke my nose. I ran inside and told my husband I fell. He came over to me and watched me sit down and try to calm myself down. I didn’t know if I was hurt or not. Turns out, thankfully nothing seemed broke but I had very very deep bruises on my legs and I was SO SORE the next few days…

Nights in a row I kept replaying the fall in my mind and some reason it was upsetting me, even though I was ok. Weeks go by and I’m still somewhat sore and still have bruises on my legs. I asked my Mom, “Why is taking so long for my legs to heal?” She says, “Healing Takes Time”. Wow. That struck a chord in me!! I had been beating myself up that all these years later and I STILL can’t stop constantly replaying memories in my head of Andrew or Cody. I STILL get emotional over them both.

For the first time, I started to realize that my experiences with my exes were traumatic and it explains so many of my current health issues and mental barriers. It ALL started coming together. I began to have more understanding of my healing journey and yet I don’t understand all the ruminating and I went through this terrible phase where I was dreaming and constantly imagining thoughts of Andrew stalking me…. I googled what it all meant and it said possibly my mind was trying to make sense of the relationship…. 😓❤️‍🩹

A situation I can’t talk about happens with my in laws in February of this year and it’s very very traumatic and just an overall nightmare. It began to feel like my life was a series of events full of trauma… but why? I can’t explain or answer that, I can only say I am still growing as a person and this event has actually opened doors for my mom in law and myself to talk but I fear we could be trauma bonding and idk how I feel about that….

Also, I have way more understanding for my mom in law than most would and yet she always thought becuase I was homeschooled, that I lived under a rock and never experienced anything major in life, yet, I’m the one understanding her situation and helping her out…. Life is crazy for sure.

You don’t realize how deep the wounds are truly. Last night, I had thoughts flashback in my mind of just the amount of confusion I had with my ex Andrew, how truly I can’t believe anything about him becuase he wore this false face and just the whole thing is super hurtful and makes me question my perceptions of my past. I thought I knew him but I don’t and that’s just hard to wrap my head around it. As these thoughts were going through my head, I just felt like “Oh gosh the wounds are soooooo deep.” And it feels like this huge mountain I’m climbing up that I’m healing but one day at a time truly is the only way to approach this phase in my life.

This healing journey feels long, never ending and sometimes crazy but I’m working my way through it. It was enough for Jake to exploit me, then Cody ghosting me but then for Andrew to know I’ve been ghosted and heartbroken and yet to continue to deceive me regardless…. That just pushed me over the edge. Only by prayers and God’s love have I even begun to rebuild myself and my life. It’s been super difficult because it’s no different than pushing your body in the gym to get fit. It’s painful. Growing pains are always painful.

I’ve experienced so many different health issues, emotions, struggles, you name it. I’ve been in and out, up and down. The will to survive and the will to love is what keeps me going. Knowing I have these emotional barriers trying to block me from my present life and yet believing God is helping me each day learn more about the past and the present too. Helping me to forgive myself and my exes. Actively teaching me as I blog, I consistently make new discoveries and find more breakthroughs.

I’ve never talked so much about trauma in my whole life till I am older and finally understand myself. Yet it’s not stopping here. I’m continually under construction and think I’ll always be until I leave this world. I’ll never be a finished project down here. I’m always becoming more self aware each day. I’m more aware of people around me and I’m adjusting to constant change, growth and new outlooks on life. My life will NEVER be the way it was when I was younger. I will forever see the world differently now that I know about emotional abuse and trauma. Yet, the trauma is just experiences I’ve faced and yeah they’ve affected me in various ways but they don’t define me as a person. Just parts of my story. One day I hope to not talk about trauma anymore AND I pray I don’t experience anymore traumatic events but can’t predict the future. Can only ask God to protect me and be with me every where I go. I know I’m making progress even if I don’t always feel as if I’ve gotten anywhere. Patience is key. 🔑

[thegrowngirlguide]

Pride - A journey of discovery and Acknowledgement

Today is the fifth day of Pride Month, which means we're in the very beginning of a very colorful month.

I come from a country that only started to actually recognize June as the month of Pride and making big and beautiful parades/ marches to defend the communities rights and spread awareness to our struggles. Yet, I must admit I am a very privileged person in this amazing community and I must recognize it.

But, I feel like it makes more sense to explain why from the very beginning...

Discovering my bisexuality was quite the journey, to say the least. It all started during a conversation with my new friend group in Sophomore year - or Freshman year for me, but that's beside the point. We delved into the topic of sexuality, which was a bit of a taboo for me at the time. I had been questioning my own sexuality for a while, so when my friend popped the question, "Are you bi?" I was at a loss for words.

The most amusing part - feel free to chuckle along with me - was that I didn't even realize sexuality was a spectrum. In my mind, it was either straight or gay, no in-between. That's when my journey of self-discovery truly began.

As I delved deeper, a whole new world opened up before me. From bisexuality to non-binary, pansexuals, gender fluid, and trans individuals, I was exposed to a myriad of identities. Initially, I felt like I was being dishonest about my feelings, almost as if I was playing the victim without cause. But then it hit me - everyone is unique, which is why the LGBTQIA+ community encompasses such a diverse spectrum. There are no set rules when it comes to our feelings or identities.

Speaking of which…

To all those who constantly face put-downs and misgendering, even after clearly stating your preferred pronouns, don't let those individuals bring you down. It's not uncommon to find some content creators crying their eyes out over these people, but life presents much larger battles than dealing with stubborn people who can't treat others with decency.

Instead, find humor in it. Let them know they wish they were as remarkable as you! Project confidence and pride in yourself until it becomes second nature! Because once their teasing no longer bothers you, they will cease their behavior. I apologize for sounding like my mother, but it's the truth! Honestly, one only realizes this when they put it into practice, and that's when people start to truly listen to you.

It can be quite amusing when trying to explain certain concepts in the community to our relatives, especially when it comes to terms that are still unfamiliar or not widely known where we live. I had a funny experience explaining the difference between non-binary and drag queen to my mom, as she still believed they were the same thing. Well, to be fair, we do have someone like Morphine Love Dion, who is both a non-binary lip sync assassin and a drag queen, so it can get a bit confusing. However, it's important to remember that this isn't always the case.

Another interesting situation arises when explaining these concepts to a young boy who has a keen interest in makeup and makeup artists. He would eagerly come over to my place and proudly show me the videos he discovered, completely engrossed in his newfound passion. Unfortunately, his parents disapprove of his behavior, believing that because he is a boy, he shouldn't be interested in makeup. Thankfully, his parents are usually at work, allowing him to experiment with cousin Jo's makeup and learn the art of being an incredible makeup artist. I must say, this kid can blend eyeshadow like a pro, even better than me!

It feels unjust to prevent children from exploring and enjoying this world of self-expression and experiencing new things. If they have an interest and find joy in it, why not let them embrace it? Makeup can be an incredibly fun and creative outlet, and everyone should have the opportunity to explore it without judgment or restrictions. So, let's encourage these young minds to express themselves and discover their passions, even if it means challenging societal norms. After all, who knows what amazing talents and passions they may uncover along the way?

To each and every one of us, Pride holds different meanings, but at its core, it should always represent a sense of pride. So, step out into the world and confidently showcase your true self! Embrace who you are and empower others to do the same. Let us treat one another with utmost respect and kindness, while also standing up for and understanding those who may not have a voice to defend themselves. Remember, each and every one of you has the potential to be extraordinary and selfless in your own unique way.

Now, I want to address the straight allies directly. Show the world that you are true allies by utilizing your privileges to support and protect the LGBTQ+ community. Take the time to learn and appreciate the individuality of every person, treating them with the same respect that you desire in return. If possible, remain vigilant and help put an end to violence and aggression against not only the queer community but also other marginalized communities.

Kindness doesn't require any monetary value, respect doesn't cause harm, and being human means treating others with decency. We all have the ability to embody these qualities and make a positive impact.

[dredshirtroberts]

pardon me while i emotionally process all over everything

Monday's just decided to kick off really hard - it's only the one thing, and it's just stewing in the back of my mind really hard and has been for *checks time stamps* 2.5 hours.

the important thing for me to remember is my dad (and my mom too) is not owed nor does he deserve an explanation for why i cut him and mom off. They truly honestly probably do not understand why I made that choice and frankly i think the fact that that hasn't changed over the past year is telling about how little they truly look at their own actions.

I want to explain but as soon as I put it into words, I can immediately strike myself down with the things that I know they will say. Any attempt at giving any explanation will be met with denial and that's just not a battle I feel like participating in.

I spent my whole life doing the emotional heavy lifting for my family of origin and I got tired of it. I'm struggling with the way my brain is wired because of it on a daily basis. This effects my whole life and my loved ones. And it didn't even do what it was supposed to when i developed the coping mechanisms.

I am really really cognizant of it because we've added a 4th person to our home and I'm scrambling to learn them and their tells and their moods quickly so I can be The Best At Helping in any situation. And I'm running into the wall of "that's not my job and is generally unwelcome unless asked for specifically" and so I am sat here taking in footsteps and movement styles and tones of voice trying to catalog them for future reference and not being able to do anything with that and knowing it's a flawed coping skill to deal with an unstable and volatile home life in my early childhood and I just want more than ANYTHING to be able to backsass and confront my parents about the way they've fucked me up and I can't.

i will type it all out and immediately change my mind - the words aren't correct, they can never be correct because the words don't matter. I could say everything perfectly and it wouldn't make any difference because my parents are dead set on invalidating any stance I make for myself and myself alone.

And also guilt tripping at the end of truly bad news (but like, neutral truly bad news) is not the way to get an explanation. It's a way to make me angry that I cannot begin the proper grieving process ahead of time because you're making a last ditch attempt to dig into me and not let me get away without an answer to the question you do not deserve to have answered. There was no indication they have looked at themselves and seen the way that they treated me was bad enough to cause my brain to splinter into multiple different people just in order to get by. They do not understand how much i wanted to die when I was trying to be a good kid for them. And they can't understand because they didn't pay attention then so me telling them about it now will look like i'm making things up.

They also have in the past given me large sums of money that I didn't have to work for dad to get, but it always came with other - more fraught - strings to deal with. and knowing that they bailed me out makes me feel super guilty for not giving them an explanation but it also really hammers home how much I just cannot say "you treated me badly" because they will throw that money in my face and say "we did everything for you, we deserve your love for the bare minimum of affection!" and money, btw, is not affection but they don't know that and now I have to figure that shit out.

and also we never repaired our relationship after I stopped working for him. I'm pretty sure he took my leaving the company personally - and he should, it was because of him I couldn't work for him anymore - but i know it's been worked around in their minds as my choice for completely unfathomable reasons that they clearly just cannot wrap their heads around because it doesn't make sense. why would i just cut them off, they've been good parents! why would I just leave the company, he was a great boss!

but they weren't, and he wasn't, and I suffered for it and I hid my suffering and because i hid my pain (as i was taught to do from VERY early on because i have been in pain MY WHOLE LIFE) they will never believe i was in it in the first place. because they don't believe me about my physical pains either and never have. why would they care about the mental and emotional pains?

they'd probably also come back with "Everyone's messed up by their parents, you need to just get over it" if I did bring up that their behavior towards me fucked me over. Because that's what they've said in the past - maybe not directly to me but in general.

a lot of my assumptions of their responses are based on what they used to just say. or continue to say. or how they'd say it. or how they'd talk about specific other people who i didn't think were bad people but boy did the way they talk about them make me go "well i guess i can't like that person now" and it isolated me from everyone. I had no way out, I had no escape i had no one but myself.

well and my internet friends but for a very long time I had a hard time remembering those were real fucking people on the other end of the internet connection, because i didn't have anyone else but the computer and those who i had a connection to through said computer.

oh and the reason this all came up?

my grandpa's going into hospice - he was in the hospital all weekend. he's the one with cancer that he stopped treating because the treatments were taking too much of a toll on his body. They had to cut their vacation short to take my grandparents back home and that same day my grandpa went into the hospital - dad made sure to mention the vacation to me, because i guess that's important. Didn't tell me any details on how the hospice thing is going to work (maybe he didn't know, maybe he didn't think that's important for me coordinating how to contact my grandparents to check in but whatever), but it was imperative that i know that their vacation ended early so they could take him home. And it was important to guilt trip me at the end to try and reopen communication with me on the email i deliberately did not give out to them, and they had to circumvent my blocks elsewhere in order to acquire because they didn't ask me for it.

I don't know how many people in my family know I'm not talking to my parents. I don't know how far that information has spread I don't know who leaked my email to them (that's a strong way of phrasing it but it feels about as violating, since i rock up into my inbox today and get jumpscared by my fucking dad's name and his absolutely abysmal choice in subject lines. literally could have said "grandpa update" or something similar. no he just said "Stuff" and then opens with "Hope you're doing well. Grandpa's in the hospital" and like????

he got lucky i opened it because i can see the message preview and knew it had important information. I might have seen it and gone "y'know, I don't care what he has to say about "stuff"" and hit delete and not known.

but like WTF dad. wtf.

go to hell, my dude. go to the absolute eebiest of deebies you cuntwaffle.

and take mom with you.

[tekka-dan]

So I’ve come to the realization that I’m the daughter of a narcissist and it’s been the reason I was lacking an identity and sense of self worth / esteem / image my entire damn life.

Today by a miracle I discovered I loved contemporary dancing. I awakened something within myself that made me feel like dancing was my truest expression. I’ve always been told by people around me I seem “expressionless” and while this hurt my feelings, it was true. I “mirror” peoples emotions but my entire life I’ve struggled to understand facial expressions / hints. This is likely due to my adolescent memories of my father being expressionless / emotionless and very often absent. My mothers only expressions were verbally and they were condescending.

Something I’ve realized is that I have been surrounded by people my whole life that only wants to “take” things from me. It makes total sense why I’ve always been “secretive” because the people closest to me my whole life once they finally learn something about me, it’s used against me and/or they’re condescending about it. It taught me early on to keep things I truly valued close to my heart. I never developed trust issues, I just knew the kind of people not to trust.

I wasn’t going to share with my mother that I discovered something I’m truly passionate about and want to continue learning. However I told her by accident due to my excitement and then she confirmed what I went through my whole life.

“Dancing? You can’t dance, you’ve never been able to dance!” Any time I ever ever ever expressed something to my mom of interest. She would ridicule me or completely shut me down. Can you imagine as a child how debilitating this was? On top of this, she used to become incredibly irate at me for not liking things she liked (example clothing, she used to make me wear clothes that made me look like some fucking 80s child when I was in middle to high school, and did my hairstyles resembling the 80s). I’ll never forget the day she embarrassed me in front of random people, cutting me down in line, telling me how “boyish” I looked from the clothes I would choose. This tore me to shreds my whole life.

Then my room, I wasn’t allowed to put up pictures or anything. Because it was “their house” and my room was apart of “their house”. This led me to never being able to express myself even within my “own” space.

So imagine what a child turns into who is told they can’t wear what they want, can’t design their room the way they want, can’t be interested in the things they like. Guess.

A narcissist themselves.

Discovering this about myself was heartbreaking but it was the truth I needed to face. It explained why I lived “in my own world” through high school. It explained the inflated ego I developed, to protect how fragile and vulnerable I felt when home. It explained why I was terrified of my mom when she was angry because it was me she took it out on. I was also the only one in the house to actually take her abuse, too. I became the scapegoat. Everything was always my fault and she would blame me for things she would say about my father (to me) by telling him I said those things. I was fucking 10 and barely knew how to read Harry Potter.

All that being said, sharing something personal with her today only made me happy knowing her condescending words no longer tear me down. Because I’m finally discovering who I am, what I want out of life and that I can certainly change to be a better person to myself and other people.

I cried for so many years wondering why do I constantly feel empty? Like a black hole? Why I struggled knowing who I was? I even thought I had other people were fake. I didn’t believe I truly existed. My feelings, emotions, interests, everything was so undermined and invalidated / ignored my whole childhood - I truly believed I wasn’t even a living person.

Until I met my ex and he brought me to life. At first. Then I discovered why I stayed with him. That aside, my mom hated him because he was “taking me from her” when the truth is that if not for my ex, I would’ve never moved out.

My parents were so angry that I actually saved up and successfully moved out. If i didn’t meet my ex, I would’ve continued living with them and being told every single day I “wasn’t going to make it on my own”. My ex was the only damn person to believe in me and encourage me. And my mother HATED when he complimented me.

She would tear me down in public and one time he casually said “you’re doing a great job, love.” My mom looked at him with such a sour face, I’ve never seen her so angry. After that she didn’t demean me in public or around him anymore but in private she would go very far to let me know that I “need to hear the disgusting truth about myself and people who really love me would tell me the disgusting truth.” Yeah but her truth was always brutal followed by gaslighting. I never even knew that as a kid how that wasn’t normal. My ex is who helped me realize this.

Anyway I’m only saying all this because I’ve discovered I love contemporary dancing and I WILL be continuing to do it despite my mothers obvious criticism towards it.

I’m happy for everyone to hear me say today is the day I discover who I really am and finding my identity from here on out. My mother and no one else will ever make me feel invalidated, less than or invisible again.

[renegadeneverdies]

i wonder if my boyfriend will ever see this. i hope he will tho, cause i can't just tell him all of these. i am fucking struggling. every time i think i'm doing good and have improved, i fall back into the same fucking hole. maybe without feeling suicidal as fuck, but knowing myself, i'll feel that too, eventually. i am drained.

one of my problems is finishing school. don't get me wrong, i hated every minute of it and despised most of my classmates. my exams are killing me. not because they're hard or anything like that, but the expectations to do good. i am not smart nor do i have a good memory to remember all of the shit i've learned in the past 5 years. if i don't get into uni my life's over. at least that's what my mom keeps telling me. she's breaking down every good thing i have managed to build in means of my mental health.

i constantly feel like i don't belong anywhere. i never feel special or good enough. i don't feel like people like or even love me. i fucking hate myself and i can't explain why. the only thing i could reason with is everything that has happened to me. my traumas made me hate myself. the way my mom treats me makes me hate myself.

you know, mom, i've been hoping to be your best friend since i was little. you've been always so distant and cold towards me. you've never seemed to truly care about what's going on in my life and my mind. everytime i was visibly depressed, you took it as an insult to you being a bad mother and made people comfort you. you were never a bad mom i just wanted you to notice me and my struggles. when you did, those weren't valid. it was always you, not me. you could do it to my brother, you gave him attention, had great and meaningful talks with him. why not me? you make me feel like a stranger, someone who doesn't belong in this family. the problematic kid. every shitty thing a child can feel in these situations. i've been trying so so hard to meet your expectations since i was small. i thought i finally did, but you always remind me that i haven't and i probably never will. sometimes i think we finally have my dream mother-daughter bond, but then i am slapped by reality. i just want to be a good daughter for you. there was a time when you took care of me mentally. when i was raped and i had no choice but to tell you and dad. i'd never go back to those times but you took such great care of me. i felt like i matter, like you worry about me. we could talk freely. you noticed and listened to me. i miss that so fucking much. i don't want to escape from home. i am still broken. i am still that damaged little girl inside. please notice me.

my sweet boy. i am not mad at you. i will never be mad at you. you did not traumatise me, they did. you did not hurt me, my exes did. what happened might have reminded me of certain things and triggered some of my traumas but that's not your fault. i know you love me and you'd never hurt me. you're trying your best, i am very well aware of that. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, don't forget that. you showed me what true love is, and proved that good still exists in this fucking evil world. you are an angel sent from heaven, you saved me in so many ways. i am so thankful to have you.

[missspringthyme]

March 10th, 2024

Although I didn't do much work today, I am continually reminding myself that existing in a state of rat hole is a necessary stage of my work flow. I need the punishment of greasy hair and a messy room in order to provide an adequate reward for the completion of these deadlines. Besides, I don't think I have the mental reserves to even clean at the moment.

Regardless, I had a really good call with T today. He got to hear some stories from my childhood that I'm genuinely shocked in the nearly 6 years we've known each other he has not heard. My favorite, and the one I had nearly forgotten, was that in Japan my family used to go to this farm experience(?). It's where I milked a cow for the first time, and I have a lot of really fond memories from that place. One of the things they had was pig racing, and I dominated it. You would wear these little vests to match your pig and then compete against other kids as you guided them forward to try and win. If you placed, you'd stand on a little podium and get a ribbon and a little pig plushie. We truly had so many. When I was explaining this to T he kept having to check that this was something I did in Japan and not the US, because it sounds like the most redneck thing in existence. I just couldn't stop laughing as I described this all. Anyway, the call was really helpful in adding some lightness to T. He even thanked me afterwards and said that it was really good for him. I did really enjoy the call, but if I'm going to be honest the reason why it was an enjoyable call is because I turned on the charm. This still doesn't solve the frustration for me that I am essentially responsible for daily morale, but today I was in a good mood so that's a problem for another day.

Also, my mom sent me a screenshot of a post from a Facebook page she's in for other former BRATS. It was a meme where the messaging boiled down to 'BRATS move a lot'. Along with the screenshot, she sent a text saying basically 'this is what my childhood was like'. I understand she's trying to connect with me, but moments like this kinda highlight for me a big disconnect between us. Either she believes that in the 22 years I have known her and heard her speak about her childhood and life as a BRAT I would not have picked up that she moved a ton, or that this constitutes a revelation in general. It's functionally the equivalent of my mom texting me to tell me that she's blonde. This was something that kept coming up in therapy where my mom truly believed that I didn't know things about her that to me are incredibly easy to pick up. I think a big part of it is she struggles with things like that, but has never considered that other people may not experience that (*cough*I'mprettysureshe'sautistic*cough*). I spent a lot of time today trying to figure out what response I could give that wouldn't hurt her feelings.

[wanderinglotus7]

I'm Not Crazy that's Just the Anxiety Talking LOL

There's nothing wrong with a therapist needing a therapist. I don't regret my decision to go back to therapy. Thank you psychologytoday because that is where I found my new therapist. Thinking about it I'm not sure how long I've been meeting with her. I think I either began working with her in April or May of this year. So far, I believe I'm making some progress. Yes, I still have my bouts of anxiety and other issues, but they are not necessarily taking total control of my life. I haven't really felt depressed for probably almost for a year. I haven't really had the urge to participate in any forms of disordered eating. So, I think I'm doing fine hahaha. Me saying this as someone with high functioning anxiety.

To note, having the right therapist makes a big difference too. "J" is my second woman therapist, but my first therapist of color. No offense to my previous therapist, she helped me out but with certain things she just couldn't. For example, her telling me [a white thin woman] that I just need to alter my diet and incorporate more exercise isn't going to help me much with my bulimia mame. It's a struggle when you have to deal with the broader society saying, "Thin Is In" while pop culture & your own community is saying "Curves are the Rage", but you have to have the right type of curves (SLIM THICK). Uggh! As a young Black woman who is petite with curves, I felt like I couldn't win. However, I have a new appreciation for my body. Like the Bible states, "God created us each in his own image". I'm a work of art. Maybe a little messy, but none the less I'm still unique because there is only one of me [unless if there is a secret clone out there, I'm unaware of].

"J" is cool with me. With anyone it still feels uncomfortable being vulnerable and sharing my raw feelings with others. Sometimes I feel like I have to over explain myself to ensure that others truly understand where I'm coming from. That gets exhausting! I'm glad that with J, I don't feel the pressure to do so. But some habits die hard. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. It feels nice speaking to someone about your mental health issues with someone who looks like you and has some similar experiences of what it is like living as a Black woman in America [and in the world general]. She also identifies as a Christian too like me. All good things!

Before the month ended (October), we really delved into my relationships. I don't think I was really ready for those conversations. I realize now that I need to explore that avenue or history of my life. They are right. What happens in your childhood does impact you in your adult life. I'm no stranger in discussing my relationship with my dad. These past two weeks had my mind hyper focused on my relationship with my mother. I didn't really think about our relationship until my Grandmother Louise asked, "Do you think that you're a crutch for your mom"? Good question. I didn't know how to answer until J gave me a writing assignment that opened up that can of worms. Yes, I am a crutch for my mother. However, I'm her emotional crutch. For my dad, I'm not sure how I fit into his life. I just keep praying for him. I pray for my mother too. One thing that both of my parents have in common is that they both carry a lot of emotional hurt. Because of this hurt, they never really learned how to heal. Sad to say, both of my parents emotionally neglected me. When I did reach out for help, they didn't provide me with the emotional space (safety) to do so. I think this is one reason why I attract individuals with lots of emotional hurt. I think this is one reason why I'm so compassionate towards others because I tend to carry their hurt as my own. I understand what it is like to be stuck in a cycle of hurt/harm.

With this in mind, emotional and spiritual connection is a must for my future relationships. In my previous relationship, I didn't have that emotional safety to feel free to bring my strong emotions as well as my personal experiences into the light. They were shrunken and deemed as less significant which crushed me because some of the things, I tried to share I never told anyone about. I deserve better than that you know. I need someone who has the same compassion that I do because I'm not broken. I have a lot of love to give, but I also need someone who's going to give me that same amount of love in return. I deserve a soft love, not a struggle love.

[xd-chs]

I was always taught -

Lead with a positive ♥️, chin held high, 🦶🏼always forward no matter what … Breathe … you’ll survive ..

In 30 years my life brought my many obstacles & a lot of critics . This is the first week in my life… medical profesional listened to me & was impressed with my actually fact finding discoveries …

For someone who’s not a spiritual person it’s hard for me to explain who .. what .. and why I am who I am…

I express , im a stone … possibly just a stepping stone in someone’s life - but I’m that person who tries to love & care & move mountains for anyone in my path.

- over the years . I’ve been used & abused & tormented for who I am. & guess what I’m not a bad person unless I truly am triggered to fly off a handle … but that takes a lot.

I’m passionate about some things & I’ll die for what I believe in. I’ve had years of running the streets getting high mot giving a care in the world for myself… as I felt no one cared for me no more. Over the years all the closest people I ever had that I know would literally give me they’re heart if need be . Have passed away. With this such events I chose a terrible path in life. But I’m the I truly found … myself & the truth to the world.

From a early age . A man entered my moms life & mine & 13 months. This man grew to be a father figure. & completely destroyed all values and understanding I had in life. Because I was brainwashed & manipulated in so many ways from such a young age … when I entered the path of adulthood in my early teen years… I was hurt on so many levels that a human should physically never physically be hurt. I don’t speak much of the things people have done to me. & I find it funny cause some of them follow me to this day. & I see you. Vaguely . But just know you negative folk Lords… did not win.

I still lead my life with positive every day… I literally wish I could breathe it into some peoples lungs. But to be at such a high self of clarity took a lot of work & a lot of damage at the same time… I’m not perfect… I didn’t find a magic spell…. I learned to take it back to my true roots … and learn about myself on a spiritual level I have never known my self to be. I may seem weaker & very sensative these days …

But I am blessed & truly grateful for my life I have .

I CAN NOT EXPRESS IT ENOUGH.

there were so many days I sat wishing death on myself… I have terrible moments of weakness everything crashes down & I want to self harm and leave my life behind. I’ve packed up n left so many lives before… who knew.

But this life I have today. I’m thankful for.

I just truly wish tonight … someone reads things & decides to be a little more positive. Do a nice gesture something … everyone is so self centered & off balance … if we all found our internal sacred balance ⚖️ & set it straight… the world we know would never mear to exist .

- if anyone is struggling & wants an 👂🏼

Please reach out… it may not feel like it at this moment ..

Or 10 min from now… but your special & are loved. If everything is off around you. Seek balance … seek to find your self in a deeper level to learn to love & appreciate yourself .

- first step. Go find the moon.