#truly I am struggling to explain to my mom why I am feeling like this

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Not nonbinary as in “third distinct gender” or “lack of gender”, nonbinary as in “pressure’s off; I don’t have to label whatever the fuck is going on in there”

[futbolfatale]

School stress

Pairing: Lucy Bronze X Reader, Millie Bright X Reader

Tags: School Stress, fully clothed baths, you Acidently water board yourself, Lucy calling reader Mami, Mommy Issues,

Summary: Reader Gets stressed out with school and begins to question her worth.

WordCount: 0.7k

School had always come easy for you, so it was extremely frustrating when a class was hard, which is what led to your current breakdown in your now cold bathtub fully clothed. It's truly not your best moment but it is rather therapeutic. “Mami We are home” Luce’s voice startles you from your haze as you fully begin to take in the scene around. This looks really bad especially because you had just told them how good you were feeling. “Fuck” You mutter trying to strip off your soaking wet clothes and drain the bath at the same time is not a good idea.

As you fall into the bath with your shirt plastered to your face and water trying to suffocate you. Panic fills your chest as you accidentally breathe in some water. You can’t die like this you can already imagine the posts “Deranged girl waterboards herself leading to her death”.

Before you can even try to get out someone is retching you out and laying you on your back. You start to cough up water as Millie pats your back firmly. “It's okay, Mami just breathed. In and out ” Lucy holds your hair back. You cough up the last of the water before sitting up. “What happened,” Millie asks, rubbing slow circles in your back. ‘“Do you think I’m stupid?” You ask, pressing your soaking wet hair out of your face. “Why would We think you are stupid” Millie asks.” Cause that stupid test” You can’t make eye contact with them. “You know those tests don’t show how smart you are and math is a really hard subject. There is no shame in struggling sometimes,” Mill explains, helping you strip out your remaining clothes.

“Is this why you were being so weird this morning?” Luce asks as she and Mills help you into some pajamas. “I wasn’t being weird” you defined as slightly annoyed at her audacity. “You wouldn't get out of bed and you didn’t even drink the coffee I made you” Mills gestures to the long cold cup of coffee on the nightstand. “ Am I not allowed to lie in on my day off?” You defend walking to the cup and taking it into the kitchen, both of them trailing after you. “You are allowed to lie in as much as you want but you didn’t even answer our texts” Luce grabs you from behind wrapping you in a tight hug and pressing her face into your still-wet hair.

“We are just worried about you, if it's this bad maybe you should drop the class” Mills holds both of your hands in hers as she speaks. “ You know I can’t do that” You pull away from both of them and start towards the couch. You just need to be away. They don’t understand what this is like. “ Why because your mom says so” Lucy calls after you are even more annoyed now that you've pushed her away. “I can’t be a quitter.” You flop onto the couch staring up at the ceiling as tears gather in your eyes. “Quitting this one thing doesn’t make you a quitter.” Mills joins you on the couch pulling your feet into her lap and massaging them gently. “She Thinks it does” You can’t bring yourself to look at them. They get this disappointed look on their faces when you talk like this and you can't stand it. “You Don’t need to care what your mom thinks anymore. She isn't your keeper, she isn’t paying for your education, we are and as your partners, we think you should drop the class.” Lucy explains from her spot knelt on the floor in front of you. “I’ll call the college tomorrow and get them to take you out of the class.”. 

“You would do that for me” You look between them both the tears that had gathered in your eyes finally falling. “Of course love we would do this and so much more to preserve your mental health you deserve better than this.” Mills stands up and grabs your hands pulling you with her. “How about we go and get a sweet treat.” “I think that sounds really good” You smile as you follow them out to the car.

[majinbangus]

What happens when soap's on again and off again gf finds out he got someone else pregnant? And do you think she would try to keep him from his children and reader?

Also I hope Soap tells his mom and she chews him out for not being better to reader 😭 (I also want Soap's mom know already that she's going to be a grandma to twins and just kept it from Johnny for reader's health too.)

i struggled with this one, but it turned out hopeful in the end i hope its good

"What're you doing here?"

You don't know what hurts more: the way he said that as if he doesn't want you there (which he probably doesn't; you don't want to be there, either, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less), or the apprehensive look he doesn't bother masking. He's never really been one to hide his emotions, but would it have killed him to pretend to be on amicable terms with you for at least a couple of hours? Dumbass.

"I'm doing great, MacTavish, thanks for asking." You go for an overly friendly inflection, but anyone listening in would be able to hear the biting undertone in your sarcasm. "How have you been? Wonderful, you say? That's absolutely grand. Glad to hear it. Truly, thank you for taking the time to welcome me into your home."

You attempt a smile, but from the way Soap's expression pinches at it, it more than likely comes off as a poorly veiled scowl. You can't bring yourself to care. You're more focused on keeping yourself from breaking down, rubbing your hand almost obsessively over your belly, trying to calm yourself with the soothing motion. Soap looks down at it, face flashing with something. You're tempted to call it regret. Whether that's for knocking you up or for hurting you just now or something else entirely, you have no clue. He clenches his fists.

"... Does my family know that you're... that I'm..?"

That's what he's concerned about? Fucking prick. You're half-tempted to announce it to his whole family now. You didn't even want to be at his family gathering in the first place, but Mrs. MacTavish insisted, and you adore his mother (so much so that you’re afraid of her, too). It's been months since you last saw all the MacTavishes in person (for obvious reasons), and you know if you refused another invitation, the woman, though getting up there in age, would've dragged you to the party herself.

You rub your belly a tad faster, and his eyes dart down to the anxious movement again. "No, MacTavish, your family does not know you got me pregnant, so you can stop worrying. I... wasn't planning on telling them. Not now, at least. Or ever. I don’t know. I’m still thinking about stuff."

Perhaps it's the right call, perhaps not (it most likely isn’t), but the tension that visibly leaks out of his body offends you. 

"That's... probably for the best,” He exhales slowly.

“For you or for me?” You snark and he at least has the decency to wince.

“Hen… Princess–”

“Don’t call me that.” You curl your lips at him, teeth bared. A bitter kind of hurt grinds within your chest. He only called you that once before. For one night. It meant nothing to him, but everything to you. “Don’t pretend to care; you never called back to talk like we agreed. You’re such a prick, MacTavish.” 

“You never reached out, either,” He shoots back with a defensive frown that doesn’t feel justified. “And I have a reason for not calling back earlier…”

“Was that reason your girlfriend?”

His silence is telling.

You scoff with a derisive laugh. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Hey, it’s not like that,” He tries to protest, but you remain staunch in your acrimony. 

“Sure, it’s not.” You roll your eyes. “If it isn’t anything else, then what is it?”

“We,” Soap hesitates, breaking eye contact to focus on where your hand is on your stomach. He swallows, rephrasing himself. “After our phone call, I brought up what happened between us… Tried to explain what happened… Communicate with her since that was always a problem we had.”

“And?” You prompt after he falls silent for a few seconds, though you think you can predict where this story is going.

“She didn’t take it well.” He continues, “We’ve been fighting about it. Trying to come to a compromise, but she’d rather I cut contact with you.”

“You… don’t want that?” You smother any bit of hope you feel. You have to.

He doesn’t answer the question verbally, merely shaking his head. It doesn’t feel like a good enough response, but you can’t push him on it because then he’s talking again. “We’re not wanting the same things. Every conversation about it–” about you “–turns into an argument, and we’ve decided to…”

“Go on a break?” You fill in, but he shakes his head again, avoiding your gaze.

“I think it’s permanent this time.”

Oh. That’s… skeptical. After years of watching them go back and forth, it’s hard to believe the permanence of their breakup. You wouldn’t be surprised if that changed as soon as next week, or even tomorrow. But maybe it’s true this time. Maybe they won’t reconcile. If that’s the case, you are glad he’ll be out of such an exhausting relationship, but you won’t let yourself believe he’ll develop feelings for you. 

“I’m sorry,” You offer instead and Soap chuckles humorlessly.

“Do you mean that?”

“I don’t, but I know she was important to you.” Probably still is, but you won’t dwell on that. “I’m still upset with you, though.”

He chuckles again, a little more genuinely this time. It’s almost enough to make you smile. Almost. “Aye, I know. I deserve it.”

“You do.” And maybe a slap. A cathartic slap. Perhaps not for him, but it might do you good. “And you’re still a prick, but now that you’re not… occupied… Can we figure everything out?”

It’s small, but you can’t help that spark of hope that blooms in your chest at the soft smile he gives you.

“I’d like nothing more, Princess.”

(His mother heard the whole thing. She’ll discuss it later with the both of you. But for now, she’ll stay out of it and let you two work it out before getting involved. She just hopes her idiot son doesn’t mess things up with you. 

She much rather prefers you over his ex, after all.)

[justmeinadaze]

Nothing's Gonna Change My World (Steddie X You) (Documentarians/ Addict Universe)

A/N: Nothing new for me when it comes to writing about addiction but for some it may be heavy. Know that you are loved and you matter <3.

Warnings: Experimentees Steddie/ Fem Experimentees Y/N, In the alternative universe Documentarians Steddie and Alcohol addict Y/N, SMUT, dirty talk, voyeurism (if you squint I guess lol), etc. FLUFF, they care about her and she truly does care about them, she just struggles.

ANGST! *Twirls in angst with a banner that reads ANGST*

We find out what happened to the readers sister, drunk driving mentioned in this universe and the alternative, aftermath of that experience briefly mentioned in alternative universe, reader struggle with addiction in the alternate universe with mentions of withdrawals and how that affects her. In the alternative universe, Eddie mentions his father being an addict while Steve's mom is mentioned as being an alcoholic and the reason for his doc. Guys get into a fight.

Current Universe and alternative universe push back. All three hate the way they are in the alternative universe and it affects them in the current one.

This chapter is a bit heavy and I've had it on my mind for awhile. With the next few I want to explore more of the guys background and I think now the reader will be more open to that.

Word count: 4304

Series here/Donate

“I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“Then why did you bring it up?”, the doctor countered as he smirked your way.

“I thought you wanted us to be honest or some shit?”

“I do but that doesn’t mean you all are.”, he chuckles. “But I can understand why you would be apprehensive. Intimacy like that is a very private thing.”

Your eyebrows raise sarcastically at his assessment as you readjust your body in the chair across from his desk. 

“Not quite for me. I’ve gotten in trouble a few times for having sex out in the open. This was just… I don’t know how to explain it… When I woke up I could still feel the desire but it was so intense.”

“The person you were being intimate with, could you tell it was someone you loved?”

“I love you both so much. I should have something before but I was so scared.”

“Yeah it was.”, you try and answer flatly as your words from the universe echo in your brain. 

“Have you ever felt that way about someone here?”

Your head snaps in his direction.

“What do you mean by here? Like in the experiment?!”

“No… no, no. I mean in this universe you’re currently in. Have you ever loved someone like the you in the other one?” Blinking you run through all your failed relationship and drunken hookups over the last few years before shaking your head. “I can’t say anything with confidence but it seems like possibly the current you and the alternate yous are experiencing some conflicting emotions.”

“Yeah especially since none of them are like me.”

“How so?”

“They just seem stronger, hopeful…safe.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“We don’t think little of you at all.”

“You mean the world to us, honey.

“You’re safe with us, sweetheart.”

Shrugging, you fold your arms over your chest as you shake their words from your head. 

***

That night you toss and turn with no relief as you think about your past. Memories of your sister replay especially those last moments.

“Y/N, I love you so much. Please, can you at least get sober for me? All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I am happy, Kallie! Jesus, get off my fucking back—”

Tears fill your eyes as the sound of screeching tires fill your ears and you hastily pull back the blankets as you step out into the hallway allowing your feet to lead you. 

Quietly, you open Eddie’s bedroom door, shocked to find that he’s not alone. 

While the long-haired boy was on his side with his back facing the wall, Steve was on his own back snoring softly with his arm behind his head. 

Carefully climbing in between, them, you pull the covers over you three before grabbing Eddie’s arm and tugging it over your hip. Stirring slightly, he tugged you closer to his chest as his palm moved to rest between your cheek and the pillow. 

“Everything alright?”, he whispers seamlessly as if he had known you for years. 

“Yeah…I was just…thinking about my sister…and…”

As your voice trembled and cracked at your last word, Eddie tenderly shushed you as he placed a gentle kiss on your shoulder. 

“It’s ok, sweetheart. The nightmare is over and you’re safe.”

Turning your head slightly, you gently pressed your lips to his, reveling in the taste. Eddie’s eyes open as he becomes more alert and his thumb softly caresses your cheek. Your hips slowly grinded back into his as his palm slides down your chest to your tummy, gently rubbing the skin under your shirt. 

After nodding your head signaling your approval, his long hair slapped his face as he turned his own to watch his hand disappear under the covers and the waistband of your pants. 

“Oh my God, you’re so wet.”, Eddie groaned as his fingers glided effortlessly between your folds. 

Circling your arm behind you around his neck, you brought his mouth back to yours as he slowly massaged circles against your clit, mewling against your tongue as your ass pressed against him.

“Fuck me, Eddie.”

In a sloppy haste, he yanked at your sweats and panties before reaching to pull down his causing the man beside him to stir. Steve’s beautiful eyes groggily opened as he took in the sight beside him and locked eyes with you as his friend ran the tip of his cock between your dripping pussy lips.

His gaze shifted toward Eddie who nodded and a little whimper escaped you as you watched the other man lower his pants slightly to allow his steadily hardening length to break free. The long-haired boy breached your entrance and the pleasant stretch had you both moaning as he began gradually thrusting his hips. 

Licking his palm, Steve matched his pace, stroking his cock and biting his bottom lip to stifle the moan that wanted to be heard. 

“Shit, baby.”, Eddie whispered, placing his hand behind your head and turning you so he could kiss you again. 

The schlick sound of the boy beside you had your pussy clenching around the man inside you and the metalhead couldn’t help but close his eyes as he pressed his forehead against yours while he pumped his hips harder into yours. 

“J-Just like that, please. I’m gonna cum.”

Your eyes rolled back as one of your hands covered the one Eddie had by your cheek while the other reached for the free palm Steve had beside him. Both men threaded their fingers through yours as your head fell back against the pillows and you came. 

Eddie smothered his grunts in your neck as he quickly pulled out and rapidly stroked himself as his release hit the meat of your ass. Steve’s hips rutted up into his hand as he whimpered and his spend sputtered out onto thigh.

After a few minutes of heavy breathing, you listened to the pretty boy roll off the bed before returning and handing his friend a washcloth to clean yourselves with. 

“Hey.”, Steve murmured as he reached out to touch your face. “Are you ok?”

When you nod, he blinks praying that everything really was alright but as he began to roll over you grabbed his hand and cuddled it to your chest. 

Both men watched as your eyes gradually closed and you snuggled closer to them. 

“I love you.”, you whispered causing small smiles to flicker across their faces.

***

Neither man said a word as they ate their breakfast with you picking at your bowl occasionally staring outside window as the sun began to rise. 

“Why were you in his room last night?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”, Steve answered casually as he took a bite of his food. “I, um, I’ve been doing it these past couple of nights. I sleep better I’ve noticed.”

“Probably because of the universes.”

Both boys exchange a look before Eddie agrees.

“Probably. Is that why you crawled into my bed?”

“I needed to feel safe and for some reason I only feel that with you two. I guess they are imprinting on us, you know? We need to shake it before we leave here.”

The pretty boy’s head tilts at your statement. 

“Why?”

“No, why?”, Eddie asks again when you shrug.

“Trust me. You don’t want to be friends with me.”

“Yeah, we don’t. We want to be more.” Your head snaps in their direction as the metalhead continues. “We like you a lot, Y/N.”

“You don’t know me, Eddie, and I thought you two fucking hated each other.”

“We talked it out and moved on. That’s what being an adult is.”

“Jesus, you sound like my father.”

“What happened with Kallie?”, Steve abruptly asks causing you to glare his way. “Because whatever happened is the reason you push us away and why you have such a low opinion of yourself. I want to know.”

“Fuck you, Steven!”, you growl as you throw your bowl in his face giving everyone in the room pause.

“Is everything alright?”, the doctor asks as he comes to your table taking everything in. 

“Yeah, everything’s fucking peachy.”, Steve grumbles as he wipes his face with a towel while Eddie sits beside him clenching his fists. 

“Ok…well…it’s time to go to vessels. Clean up and head that way.”

Shifting your gaze towards them, your sour demeanor falters as you watch them angerly gather their empty dishes including yours. 

“I’m…I’m sorry. I just—”

“You think you’re the only one who’s been through bullshit? Fuck you, honey. Maybe you’re right. We need to fucking shake this feeling off because I will not have another person in my life who’s push and pull. You either love us or you fucking don’t.”

Tears sting your eyes as you lag behind and place yourself in the pod that you were now beginning to hate. 

“Everything ok, sweetie?”, the nurse asks, pursing her lips when you don’t answer. “Alright, here’s your calming agent. There we go. Just lay back and relax. Dropping in, in 3…2…1…”

################

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”, you grumble as you dig through your cabinets manically, throwing things behind you that clang loudly on impact. 

“What’s going on, Y/N?”, Steve asks softly from behind the kitchen counter.

When you agreed to be a part of his documentary, you didn’t think you would be as open with them as you had been these last five months but after finding a flyer on a pole down the street with an offer to pay for your time, you thought what the hell. 

You were strapped for cash and desperate for any funds you could get since your family had completely cut you off. Steve Harrington and his cameraman Eddie Munson were incredibly kind and not what you were expecting at all.

At the beginning of this project, you struggled with trying to hide your disease but the more they lent an open ear the more you spilled willingly. 

“I, um, I can’t find any more bottles of…well…anything and I’m, um, I’m crashing a-a bit.”, you stutter with a slight giggle hoping to make the situation not as intense as you felt it was. 

“What happens if you don’t get any alcohol?”

“I-I-I could get really sick and m-my hands will… My anxiety just—WHOOSH—through the fucking roof!”, you beam. “Hey, let’s, um, let’s walk to the corner store and get a bottle of something good. Maybe get some snacks, yeah?”

The man smiles at you as you grin, placing his hand over the camera as you disappear into your bedroom.

“I feel kind of bad filming this, Ed.”

“I mean…it’s her life… This is what she struggles with every day and you said you wanted to capture that.”, Eddie sighs as he puts his equipment down to grab his jacket. “My dad was the same way with his narcotics. She should honestly be thankful she’s not in prison like him after what happened.”

Steve sighs as you bounce back into the room with tennis shoes and your heavy hoodie. 

“Is it ok if we walk? Obviously, I don’t have a car but I know it’s cold and—”

“We don’t mind walking, honey, unless you’re feeling sick or something.”

Again, you giggle as you lean forward to wrap your arms around him. It had been so long since someone had been so sweet to you. After the accident, your parents refused to return any of your calls and ignored you at every turn. Your extended family disowned you and due to the alcoholism you lost so many friends leaving you alone most of the time. Kallie said she would always be there for you but…

“You boys are too good to me. N-No, I think a walk will be good. Yeah…it will be very good.”

They follow behind as you babble about your town and ask them a few questions hoping to distract yourself as you try to focus on their answers. 

“S-S-So when this film is released, you’re going to be a big Hollywood director, huh, Steve?”

“Oh, uh, most likely not but…”, he chuckles before his friend pushes his arm. 

“With my camera skill and editing wizardry, we definitely will.”, Eddie grins. “I think it’d be cool to make more documentaries. My mom always enjoyed them.”

“She would have been so proud of you, Ed-did-ee.” 

Both men exchange a nervous glance as your dialogue begins to truly falter. Last time they saw you like this, you were crashing so bad they called EMS who brought you to the ER. 

You sighed happily when the gas station came into view as you practically ran forward and bounced to the back to grab a couple of cans of beer before waiting in line to pay. 

“Hey, Y/N. How are we doin’ today?”

“G-G-Good. Just thirsty.”, you giggle as your shaky hands drop change on the counter. Everyone shares a knowing glance as you count it out before Eddie quietly pulls his handheld camera out of his pocket and starts to film the exchange. “Is…is this…I think this is enough.”

“Uh, no, baby, it’s not. Maybe…maybe you should get a bottle of water instead—”

“I DON’T need water! I need a drink! Now how much more is it, Kevin?!”

“$10.”

You blink as you search your jeans for more change causing Steve to step forward before the other boy stops him. 

“Shit…uh…come on, Kev. How about I take these now and pay you back next time. I’m getting some cash from—”

“I can’t do that, Y/N, you know that.”

“FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Ok, ok, um—”

“Here, uh, for her and a pack of cigarettes for my friend.”, the boy offers before you suddenly grab his wrist. 

“St-St-Steve, I can’t…I can’t let you—”

“It’s ok, honey. I need a cigarette to.”, he softly grins as he pays.

As you three walk back out, you pop open the top and chug back half the can before sighing in relief. Both men know this is just a band-aid. You’ll drink these two cans and buy the time the sun goes down you’ll need more.

“I swear I’ll pay you back, Steve!”

“Oh, no. You don’t need to—”

“No, no. I insist. You two are the only family I have now so…”

***

“Harrington, you can’t do that. You can’t enable her.”, Eddie whispers as you sleep soundly on the couch. 

“What was I supposed to do? Watch her spiral down till she ended up in the hospital?”

“Yes. We’re observers in this, man. We’re observing and displaying.”

“I can’t, man. She reminds me of my mom…”

“Yeah…isn’t that why you wanted to do this? To show people the pitfalls of alcoholism because of what you went through with your mom?” When the man didn’t answer, the long-haired boy opened his camera causing his friend to groan. “No, you want to be involved you’re involved. You said you wanted to show people what it was like because of your mom, yeah?”

“Fuck you.”, Steve growled. 

“That’s why I signed up for this. My dad was addicted to painkillers and ruined my fucking life. My moms to since he stole her medication constantly! He was a selfish fucking asshole JUST like your mother.”

Steve charged at his friend, stirring you as you quickly assessed the situation before rising to your feet to pry them apart. 

“Wha? What’s going on? Stop it!”

“Fuck you, Munson! My mom wasn’t selfish! She loved me!”

“Then why didn’t she put the fucking bottle down?!”

“It…it’s hard…”, you answer for him making him grumble as Eddie reaches for his camera that had been knocked over and points it towards you. 

“It’s hard?! Is it really that fucking hard especially after flipping a car?!”

Loud knocking on your door keeps you from answering as you angerly stalk that way. 

“WHAT?!”

“Open the fucking door, Y/N!”

Your jaw drops at the sound of the voice on the other end as you glance towards the boys who seem equally surprised. After slowly reaching for the knob, you open the door gradually revealing Kallie on the other side.

################

“What’s going on, Sash?”, the doctor asked as he powerwalked into the room after the alarm in his office began to screech. 

“I don’t know. This examinee seems to be…fighting? It’s like her current brain is trying to force herself to wake up.”, the nurse answered as she utilizes a washcloth to wipe the sweat from your face. 

“We’re seeing little spikes to from two other examinees but not as bad.”

“From who?”

“Um…Steven Harrington and Edward Munson.”, the other nurse relays as she looks over her monitors.

“Is it serious? Should we pull them out?”, your nurse asks as she grips your arm. 

“No. They should be fine. Just give all three of them another shot of the calming formula and keep an eye on them especially Y/N.”

“Yes, sir.”

###################

“I have been calling you for two days straight! Why don’t you answer your fucking phone?!”

“I…I, Kallie, what are you doing here? I don’t have…a phone anymore.”

Her angry eyes soften for a moment as she scans you over before using the cane in her hand to hobble towards your couch. 

“Who are these guys? Friends?”

“Um, yeah, kinda. They are making a documentary and have lived with me for the past few months. This is Eddie who’s the technical guy with the camera. He-he’s really amazing Kallie. You should see the other stuff he’s filmed a-a-and this is Steve the, uh, director slash talent.”, you chuckle nervously as you point to each boy. “This is my sister Kallie.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah. What’s your documentary about?”

“People who deal with alcoholism.”, Steve answered cautiously as he takes a seat on the side between you both. 

“Huh. Why don’t you film this little interaction? I don’t mind.”

“A-Are you sure?”

“What’s the matter, Y/N? Don’t want people to see who you really are with family?” You glance their way and Eddie flashes you a soft smile as he sets up the camera to capture you both. “Do you need to ask me a question or something?”

“Why are you here, Kallie? I haven’t seen you in over a year. I-I missed you.”, you started before he could say anything. 

Her beautiful, dark colored eyes shifted your way as she leaned back in her chair. 

“Yeah. I missed my sister to… the one I had before you started drinking.” She paused as she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. “I came here today because I’m, um, I’m getting married in a few months—”

“Kallie, oh my god! That’s amazing, baby!”, you exclaim a bit too loudly as you try to control the urge to run and hug her. “What are they like? Are they good to you?”

“Yeah…yeah, he’s good to me. He makes me laugh and he’s actually very sweet. I actually met him at Dad’s firm.”, she giggles before glancing your way to see your smile falter.

“H-He’s in law?”

“He’s a cop. He was there at the… Dad wanted to thank him for saving my life.”

Your bottom lip trembles as your eyes begin to flick around the room. Both men have seen this before when a rough topic comes up. You’re looking for something to drink but you’re trying to control the urge. 

“Are you alright, Y/N?”, Steve whispers.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine. That’s wonderful, Kal. I’m…I’m so happy for you.”

“I came today because…I want you to be there…at my wedding.”

Your eyes widen as a knot pierces your heart. 

“You want me there?”

“Of course, Y/N. Y/N, I love you so much even after everything. I don’t know if you realize that or not. I just…if you come you have to sober…”

Eddie’s eyes close as his head hangs and you hear him sigh.

###############

“Is it Y/N again?”, the doctor asks.

“No, it’s Mr. Munson and his heartrate increasing at a rapid rate.”, the nurse shouts as his monitor’s beep.  

“Fuck. Something’s not right.”

##############

“Kallie…thank you but you know dad won’t let you invite me. Plus, everyone will be staring and it should be your day—”

“Fuck them, Y/N! You are my sister! I don’t care what people fucking think!”

“OH YEAH!? Then where have you been?! I haven’t seen you in a fucking year, Kal!”

“Because I’ve been fucking recovering from a drunk driving accident!”, she shouts. “Or do you not fucking remember?”

“I-I-I…”

“Wasn’t enough to get you to stop fucking drinking though was it?! The fact that you almost killed me! Now I can barely fucking walk!”, she shouts as she bangs her cane against the floor.

Steve’s fists clench into his knees as you glance towards him and see his eye lids flutter. 

##############

“Mr. Harrington just spiked!”

“What the fuck are they seeing there that it’s affecting them but no one else?”, the doctor muses.

“What do we do?!”

#################

“Please… just go to rehab. I’ll be there with you every step of the way, Y/N.”

“Kallie, I…I can’t, ok. I really am happy for you though a-a-and I’m so proud of you.”, you force a smile as you rise to your feet and push past everyone to scurry towards your kitchen to grab the second beer you left in the fridge. 

“I put up with all your bullshit. I fought the family every time they said you were a fuck up. We went through everything together and what do I get in return? I deserved better! This is the most important day of my life, Y/N, and you can’t do this one thing for me? You can’t heal for me?”

Popping open the can, you sip some of the contents before shaking your head. 

“It was good seeing you, honey. I love you to…so much…”

################

“Y/N, NO!”, Eddie screams as he sits upright and fumbles with the googles on his eyes. 

“Mr. Munson! We need you to breathe! There we go.”

“Mr. Harrington, STOP!”, the nurse scolds as she grabs the boy’s bicep as he slumps out of his pod and slowly slides to the floor where nurses and security were trying to hold you down as you tried to fight them. 

“Let me go! Kallie! I need to see her wedding! I need to tell her I’m sorry! STOP!”, you screamed before all three of you were sedated and the world went black. 

***

When you woke up a few hours later you weren’t in your room but a different area of the building that felt more like a hospital than anything. Machines attached to you were steadily beeping as you glanced down at all the little sticky electrodes attached to your body. 

“Y/N.”

“Mr. Munson!”, a nurse hisses before he raises his palms in surrender as he dodges her fast hands that try to grab him. 

“I just want to check on my friend. I’m not going anywhere.” He waits for her to nod and hastily scurries to your bed as he sits on the end facing you. “I am so sorry. I never would judge you or talk to you…either of you the way I did in that universe. I’m not ashamed of you or anything, sweetheart, I swear.”

“Me either, honey.”, Steve whispers as he comes up to your sides. “Fuck, I hate that the other men didn’t stop her from screaming at you. I just wanted to jump in front of you and protect you.”

Blinking, a sense of numbness overcame you until you finally looked their way again. 

“My parents are assholes like yours, Steve. They are so fucking self-righteous when it comes to their place in society. Kind of like your dad, Eddie, ours would scream at us and tell us how much better we needed to be. My sister and I ignored him though. We used to sneak out and do crazy shit all the time.”, you laugh at the memory. “I genuinely didn’t notice the drinking became a problem until I lost my first job. I had been out the night before with some guy and passed out…”

“As I steadily got worse, Kallie seemed to excel. She graduated college, started working at the law firm that was the complete opposite of what my parents did. I got arrested a couple of times and thrown out of my apartment for being a nuisance. I just wanted to have fun.”

As your voice begins to shake, Eddie reaches out to grab your hand and you allow it. 

“One night, I picked her up from her house so we could have dinner with my family. I had already pre-gamed, preparing to deal with their bullshit but I swore I was still sober enough. She brought up me getting sober and I didn’t want to hear it; couldn’t hear it. Kallie said she loved me and she just wanted me to be happy. I turned to yell at her, missing the red light and…”

“Baby…I am so sorry.”, Steve cooed as he pushed some of your hair behind your ear.

“You don’t know me and trust me you don’t want to know me. Even after what I did, I didn’t stop. I’ve tried, Lord knows I have and thankfully I’m not as bad as the other universe but…I have no one and I learned that’s better for everyone anyway if they just stay away from me.”

“Sweetheart, that’s not true. You…you can’t do this by yourself. We can help you. Trust me, beautiful girl, Kallie would not have wanted you to be alone.” 

At Eddie’s words, you collapse forward into his chest and begin to sob. Holding you tightly, he pets your head as Steve tilts towards you to hug you both. 

##################

@baileebear @jasminelafleur @twirls827 @dashingdeb16 @myherometalhead @starboygf @alba8688 @crybabyddl @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes @utterlyinsanity @hardladyheart @yesimabratandwhataboutot @chelebelletx @season4steve @fic-lover-29 @micheledawn1975 @dreamerjj

[doraambrose]

I see this alot in fanon and I think jason Todd's parents are completely misunderstood.

Disclaimer: I am not a victim of parents with drug abuse nor have a I ever done drugs. I sympathize and emphasize with people who struggle with drug abuse as there are many reasons to get into it and it's very hard on your body to get clean, I will link help organizations below. This does mean that I can be a little ignorant to the struggles so if I say anything offensive or wrong, please call me out and educate me so I don't make the same mistake

Jason's family has been retconned so many times, it's hard to keep it straight. But this is my headcannon based on what I've seen:

1. I feel like a lot of people write Willis Todd to be this awful abusive scumbag who hated his kid and his wife. If you are talking about young justice or arkhamverse, this canonically true, but I think that's far from the truth in the main universe, prime or whatever it's called. In batman 411, jason is clearly distraught by Willis' death and does try to avenge him by lashing out at Two face. We also can't forget about the incident with the penguin that led to the worst Bruce and jason characterization before gotham war. And that's because of one rhato issue where jason finally reads willis' letters (a truly heartbreaking issue: rhato rebirth 23)

I believe that Willis wasn't a bad dad. Not a good dad, but not an awful abusive one. I 100% believe he has never abused his family in this universe. And you know what, he wasn't a great person. He was a drug dealer and then a henchmen. But he CARED. He cared about his family. He tried so hard to provide for Catherine and Jason for their medical bills, food, shelter. He just had a poor upbringing and some real shit luck, trying to survive in poverty in Gotham city.

2. Catherine has been written in fanon to be a perfect caring mother who was nothing but a victim. I believe that she wasn't as good of a mother and a person as people make her out to be. And we haven't seen everything, but I believe this because she seems selfish. She seems to put herself and her drug addiction before her family, doesn't seem to even try to get clean or take care of jason or provide. Look at these panels:

She neglected Jason. He had to go out and put his life on the line day after day when it should've been the other way around. Jason was a kid. And don't get me wrong, she probably loved jason and had good intentions, no, she definitely loved him, or else jason wouldn't canonically think as highly of her and take care of her the way he did, but she wasn't perfect and I don't think she was as good of a mother as she's made out to be.

3. Canonically, jason seems to really care for Catherine, but not Willis. I have a theory about that. For why he thinks so highly of catherine: I've never had a parent who suffered from drug abuse, but I do have a parent who suffered from a lot of mental health issues like depression, diagnosed, and I feel like bpd, though it was never diagnosed. When things were bad, they were BAD. I witnessed a lot. But when things were good, things were REALLY GOOD. I feel like when Catherine would come off the drug haze, things were like that. She probably took care of him during those times and was loving and all that. Catherine is the one parent figure Jason has to hold onto (because of all the shit with Bruce, Sheila, etc.). He forcibly removes the bad shit she's done and hangs onto the good things she's done because she really did care about him and in life, it seems harder to hate your mom than your dad (from what i have heard when i did research on this from friends). I've done that for years, and idk if I'm explaining it right, but I think that's the best way I can. For why he doesn't love willis: I think up until he read the notes, he didn't have the full picture. From his perspective, willis leaves to do crime and then eventually gets caught and left forever. I think he blamed willis for making jason become "the man of the house" and have all this extra responsibility. Willis also strikes me as the type of parent who has trouble expressing feelings, so jason probably rarely, if ever, heard "I love you" from his dad. Willis also strikes me as the person who would believe that he needs to make his son stronger in order to survive, and there are a lot of parents like that, especially parents from a low income household or a history of poverty.

In conclusion, both parents were FAR from perfect parents, but they're not as evil or as innocent as people write them in fanon. They're just...people. fanon likes to write comic people as black or white, innocent or abusive, but in reality, It's a gray area. Willis had his flaws, I hc him as one of those old fashioned kind of dads who wants his son to be tough and strong and isn't good with sharing his feelings, but does truly care about his family and NEVER was abusive. Catherine was a mother who definitely cared about her family, but wasn't an innocent victim and had her own flaws.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[pong03]

Kaito character analysis

Let's start light before I get more into the conspiracy theorist ramblings. in nsfw stuff I have read I feel like he is commonly misunderstood. I have read a lot where he is hasty, unemotional and self-serving... although I can see where hasty and lazy may come from but, think about: Kaito towards MC focuses on making her happy and although not always successful it is his main goal, BUT to write him as UNEMOTIONAL.

Y'all he is the most emotional of any man in the whole series. especially, in a first time headcanon post he should not be written as unemotional... we all know he would be crying and being like "MC you're such an angel boo hoo" and "I'm so glad I had my first time with you." he might be quick to finish but I think he would very guilty and put effort towards making it up to MC as soon as he was physically able. ALSO one thing I read he just was written as giving no aftercare,,, sorry am I the crazy one to say Kaito (most of frostheim) would be the most into aftercare?? His grandma always told him blah blah blah.. to him sex wouldn't even parallel to the aftercare experience, and tbh dude would be the one to need it the most. Tell me he wouldn't do everything the MC told him too and if was even slightly degrading to her he would be SOBBING afterwards all like "I'm sorry I said all that mean stuff, I know you asked but I don't believe any of it. You're SOOO NICE." You can't disagree with me yk I'm right. Okay.. I'm like trying to keep this part short but kind of failed. Obviously your head canons are what you're entitled to... just I feel like a lot of people admit to struggling to write him so maybe they'd preesh a post like this. HML if you want Kaito advice ig okay, admittedly this second part is a bit in-depth... like could be a reach but I have A LOT of evidence so hear me out. We all know Kaito hates being a ghoul and is considerably weaker willed than the other ghouls, he is also raised by his grandma. We can assume this because she is the ONLY family member he talks about (on the home screen and in the story) and the process of becoming a ghoul is intense right? Something that would be surprising if he regrets becoming one and is the big ol baby that he is. I think that Kaito's parents are the ones who made the deal, and they didn't survive. He was born to a poor family we know this because he talks about it all the time. SO my personal thought is he was born to a single mother who didn't have any funds to raise him even with the grandmother's help, so she wishes for greatness for her baby, and makes a deal with a devil to protect her child. Because we know he doesn't have the academics to get in Frostheim and he probably was not open about being a ghoul, it's a hoe-scaring quality. So I think he's basically got assigned-plot-armor-at-birth. and basically the demon could be kind of like how luca's monster is possibly his brother, and his mom's soul in entwined with a demon's (like a ghoul's would be) and basically they co-parent him which would explain why his stigma is so weak comparatively to other ghouls. this is more exploratory, but what I truly BELIEVE bare bones is: Kaito's parents are the one's who made the deal. That's it that's all I truly believe in and everything else is speculative. I just think it would be cool especially because I think the process of becoming a ghoul is left especially vague for this purpose. Hehe let me know what you think about this and other things that you personally think about kaito! I'm really curious about other fan's thoughts.

[praetoravila]

SPILL YOUR GUTS MAGAZINE'S DANICA LANE GETS THE EXCLUSIVE FROM SINGER MACIE BEFORE HER 6TH ALBUM RELEASE: - More to follow under the cut.

{ TW for mentions of abuse and an attempted sexual assault. If you feel uncomfortable with these topics, feel free to skip this article and look at one of our beauty guides! }

taglist: @myloveforhergoeson @ceruleanmusings @raging-violets @bibaybe @rose-of-oz @ithinkyouhealedmyheart @nolanhollogay @happinessismagicc @kendelias @selangkir

At just 20-years-old, Macie formerly known by her legal name, Macie Smittens-Garcia, is the new “pop punk princess” on the scene.

Born in Savannah Georgia, but raised in Wilmington Island, the Georgian native has always been a musician - since she was a baby.

“My first words were me asking my older sister Maeve to put on Bills Bills Bills by Destiny’s Child.” Macie said, laughing as she remembered.

“Only I couldn’t pronounce my B’s yet, so it sounded like I was saying Dills Dills Dills.”

Music has always been a big part of Macie’s life, from her roots in beauty pageants to getting signed by Rocque Records at age 13. Since then, she’s released 5 albums, with another on the way.

“Twinkle Lights, is truly an album about self discovery. About knowing who I am. I mean it’s the first album I sing in Spanish on. Which was a big deal for me. I’m proud to be Boricua. It’s part of my heritage. The same way, being Scottish and German are.”

“Culture is important to me. I’m a punk girl, yes, but before that I am Afro-Latina. And that’s a big deal in this genre.” Macie explained, before elaborating.

“Pierce The Veil were some of the only Latinos in the rock genre that I knew of initially. And so, I’m very conscious that I am playing a similar part for young Latina girls.”

“For the longest time, I was scared to be my authentic self in this industry.” Macie said, as she elaborated. “And that put me into a lot of uncomfortable, unsafe situations. Twinkle Lights, is me getting to be authentic, and talk about some of my struggles, and why I am the way I am.”

Macie talked candidly about the sexual assault attempt that she mentions in the title track of the album.

Twinkle Lights, the title track opens with the lyrics of, At 14 years old I finally had to say No, and at 14 years old I finally had to let go. Prior to this song, and the album as a whole, Macie had never spoken about this incident.

“I didn’t have the words at the time to explain what had happened to me. And I struggled with that for a really long time, because I had the words to explain my mom’s behaviour.” she said, referring to her mother Amber Smittens, who is publically known for being Macie’s abuser from age 3 to age 7.

“I knew what CPTSD or childhood post traumatic stress disorder was. I didn’t know what this was.”

“But I didn’t have those words for the situation I went through at 14, or what I went through as a 19-year-old.”

“But with this album, I get to. And that’s a big accomplishment. In, Innocent Party, track two, I have a lyric that goes, The road to recovery was a long one, in case you wanna know, which was honestly mostly a line I came up with after seeing stuff people were saying online about me.”

“I was in such a bad place mentally, and knowing people were saying such shit about me made me so mad. They kept referring to me as an innocent party, as if they pitied me, and well... I got a song out of it at least!” Macie explained, a laugh forming.

The Puerto Rican-American girl continued on to talk about how fame messed with her self perception.

“It’s hard when everyone has an idea of who you are. Just because they listened to your music, or because they follow you on ScuttleButter. Which I have a very calculated version of myself out there for a reason. So when I’m able to be just Macie, it can be quite jarring.”

The interview which was done in Reseda, at Macie's first LA apartment, showed a different side to the singer than fans have seen. A softer, more vulnerable side. A side, that anyone who listens to Twinkle Lights, which is scheduled to come out on Macie's birthday in a few days, will see.

[clarabosswald]

Hi!

If you aren't a Zionist wouldn't it be better for you to have a duel citizenship and just leve Israel, if you are oppose to its existance?

Do you have any more good, balanced sources about this conflict?

I am still struggling to understand what Zionism is. It seems like there are a lot of different definitions for it but the main one seems to be that this piece of land should be called the land of Israel and it should belong to Israeli-Jews.

I am not trying yo offened I'm just curious as a dumb ass American who is trying to educate hereself on this conflict through books and movies. Interviews/news from both sides got propeganda same as The States news or World news.

hi anon, thanks for the good faith ask.

i wish getting dual citizenship and just leaving was just as easy as quick as writing those ideas is. i've explained before why leaving is nearly impossible for me (at least currently so). as for dual citizenship - there's actually a good chance that i won't be able to get one anyway. from my paternal grandparents' side, their birthplace is currently a dictatorship so that's an obvious dead end. from my maternal grandparents' side, from what my mom told me (they both died long before i was born), they've lost their documents overtime so she thinks it might be impossible to prove their link to their birthplace in order to get citizenship. she's also really reluctant to expand on that, she says that they'd have hated for their grandchildren to return to the place where they've narrowly survived the holocaust.

by the way, i'm not opposed to israel's existence. i'm opposed to some of its aspects, for instance the occupation, and the government. but i've mentioned how i think the best possible solution* to the current situation is the two state solution, and naturally that means israel's continued existence, in different form. (*not the ultimate best dream/utopia solution, but the most likely one, and even that'd be hard to achieve.)

as for sources - i'm afraid i don't really know any, if only because i think there's really no such thing as a truly balanced source - all media sources come with agendas, and that fact has been driven to an extreme with the current war. the best i can offer is never relying on a single source - or even a couple of sources - to learn about a story or an event; try and learn how to identify biases and deliberate wordings in articles/stories; and completely ignore media outlets that are known to be extremely biased. for instance, israeli channel 14 is a complete joke of an far right outright propaganda outlet.

"what is zionism" is the million dollar question since the term got appropriated and bastardized into oblivion. my first advice in researching that is only relying on jewish sources. but remember that even then you're likely to come across varying definitions, since jewish people themselves have varying feelings towards the subject. it's a spectrum, really. like most ideologies, i suppose. "this piece of land should be called the land of Israel" - i wouldn't say that's part of zionism, for many reasons. for instance, historically, the land has known several names. for a long time, it was the kingdom or israel and kingdom of yehuda (judea). i don't think even herzl called it israel. and when the jewish leadership decided to declare independence, they've debated what to call the new state, with some of the other options being "yehuda" and "zion". i think that, possibly, what you might be referring to is a combination of two things: 1. "the land of israel" being a common biblical name for the land and therefore deeply integrated into jewish culture and religion; 2. the disdain some jews hold for "palestine", since the name's etymology is connected to peoples who were historically antagonistic to the jews of israel and yehuda; and as a name for the land itself, it first appeared after rome had suppressed the jewish revolt for independence back in 135ce, after which it renamed the province "syria-palestina". this is really the very tip of the iceberg, there's a ton of history to this, i'd definitely recommend reading on it. "it should belong to Israeli-Jews" - there's a spectrum to this too. some think it should "belong" to jews, no doubt; some think it's a place where jews should be safe from discrimination and antisemitism. the basis of it, in any case, is that 1. the land has been culturally integral to the jewish people for millennia and 2. the jewish people have faced suffering in the diaspora and sorely needed an independent jewish state in order to survive. (that didn't necessarily even mean the land of israel, there were ideas for creating such a state elsewhere, but they fell through for various reasons). honestly, even after very shallowly covering all that, there's still a difference between religious zionism (with the subset of messianic zionism), to "modern" secular zionism (pre-1948), to israeli post-1948 zionism (which in itself is also far from being one uniform idea). and all of that's without even touching the different forms and history of ANTI-zionism. (and there's also non-zionism, obviously; but i don't think there's really any coherent history or ideology to that; i think that it's mostly just individuals who, like me, have independently come to decide that they don't subscribe to either zionism nor anti zionism, for their own personal reasons.) but at the end of the day zionism is so deeply rooted in the culture and history and experience of the jewish people which brings me back to my first advice: rely on jewish sources only.

it's really good that you're seriously researching the subject! i feel like too many people watch a couple of tiktoks and a youtube essay and call it a day. and it's good that you've noticed how media covering of the issue is full of propaganda (not only "organic" propaganda from actual israel and actual palestine, but also a TON of russian and iranian propaganda which really just aims at sowing chaos and division and often not "rooting" for a specific "side"). remember that movies and books are biased too, just to different degrees; it's the nature of everything created by a person - it reflects their intent on one degree or another. usually i'd recommend books over movies but naturally they're a lot more time consuming... there's no quick and easy way to study issues that have been spanning anywhere between decades and centuries.

[sabtoonz]

at this point I can't tell anymore whether i'm faking shit or my parents are just being horrible. my dad is always making fun of the way i dress because i don't like being feminine. he judges the fact im hairy, tells me that i can't question my gender because i'm still "too young for that". he always judges the way i do things and over explains things to me as if i was 5 even when i tell him to stop doing that. he just always tells me that he's my dad and I can't ever criticize his methods. he just always thinks he's immune to criticism due to being my dad, and yet he always tells me "why are you yelling at me? what did i do wrong?". he always threatens and intimidates me by saying that i will suffer so much in life.he probably thinks im faking adhd because he always tell me that being innatentive has nothing to do with it. i'm so tired.

my mom just thinks she's the person who suffers the most in this world. she's geniunely hurt me so many times before but whenever i tell her to stop doing that she guilttrips me by saying "oh, so i'm the witch? you think your own mom is being shitty to you? is that what you think of me?". and like my dad she refuses to understand my experiences with adhd such as suffering with executive dysfunction and breaking down because I can't make myself do simple tasks. she tells me my anxiety isn't severe even when i'm literally being medicated for it and i'm almost always extremely paranoid that someone's watching me, or overthinking every single small detail causing me to spiral.

recently I've tried to hurt myself to try to get attention from my parents and show them I'm actually struggling. but they always just say that i'm insane and get mad and yell at me. is it bad that i want to be comforted by them in situations like this? /genq. and everytime this happens i blame myself and yell at myself internally which just causes me to have more suicidal urges which just continues this vicious cycle.

but at this point I can't tell if i'm victimizing myself or truly suffering. I've always grown up convinced that i'm a fool, an idiot for struggling with things like this. i bring myself down and exaggerate so much i never give myself the chance to question why something happened and just always asume it's my fault. and i think it always is, really. I don't know. when i was younger i started yelling at myself in the mirror because i was having a meltdown due to not being able to do a homework and afterwards my mom called me to her room and told me to stop putting on the victim's mask and start accepting the blame. i still remember a few months ago when i went downstairs to try to cut myself and yet again my mom started yelling at me and saying something along the lines of "if you want to die ao much, why don't i just kill you?" and backed me to the corner of the room holding a knife. she didn't do anything but i was so horrified, and still am. the only time i truly hurt myself was when i was 10 and i cut my arm. it's the first and only time i ever saw my dad cry.

I can't tell anymore if I'mright or wrong. i am a shitty person and likely am wrong and just want to guilttrip others into feeling bad for me. i can't cry around my parents. i can't cry around myself. i deserve the worst punishment and should kill myself to end my own and my parents' suffering. i'm just a burden and i refuse to address it. but at the same time I don't want to die. should i end it or just continue being shitty and making everything worse? /rhetorical question

i just want to be comforted by my parents when I'm feeling upset. i don't have any friends at school because I don't trust anyone. i want a shoulder to cry on when i'm upset. i want to trust someone. i want to love someone. i want to love myself.

[the-blackjay]

Happy Winter Solstice!

Spent some time today focusing about my goals for 2025, and reflecting on the past year. 2024 has been tough in some ways, and incredible in others, and I want to bring more of that energy with me into the new year.

I have achieved so much this year, for the first time ever I'm actually sticking to the goals I'm setting. I can't explain to you what that feels like, but I don't think I have ever looked at my life in such a positive way before now. I have worked so hard on myself, and it's wild to see it paying off.

(cw: abuse mentioned in red text, I'm trying to be more mindful of the way I type my posts. I'm purposefully making it hard to read to avoid upsetting people while remaining authentic to the way I speak and type.)

The biggest changes I've made that have helped me are:

Journaling/shadow work. Growing up, I was given a diary as a birthday present. I kept a journal for exactly 2 months until my abuser went through it and beattheeverlovingshitoutofme confronted me about my personal feelings. So, I have never felt safe writing my thoughts out on paper. This year has taught me the feeling of safety and security in my own home, and I'm thankful to be living such a blessed life with my partner who loves me and cares about me, and would never violate my privacy in that way. Learning to feel comfortable in my home has been very hard, I've lived on my own for going on 9 years, and I'm finally at a point where I feel safe, where I feel comfortable, where I'm able to express myself, where I'm allowed to have opinions, and where I'm allowed to talk about myself and what I love doing. Journaling has been so eye opening for me, I've struggled with ruminating thoughts my whole life, and being able to get those thoughts out of my skull and onto paper where I can visually dissect them and delve deeper into why I think and feel the way I do has been incredible. I have never tried therapy before because I'm and intellectualizer and feel it would just be a waste of money (that I don't have anyways) and I also don't trust other people with my brain in that way. Journaling has truly been the best thing I started doing for my mental health.

Limiting Contact with people who don't deserve it. Look, I'm not "gods gift to the world" or anything of the sort. I don't believe I'm better than anyone or that I deserve special treatment, but the past few years have truly opened my eyes to the way my friends have been treating and using me, and I have since limited my contact with many of them. I am always the first to call out people who mistreat others, but often would let people treat me like shit. I'm no longer going to be hypocritical in that way. I deserve friends who actually listen to my advice, who are there for me, and who enjoy spending time with me regardless of what I can do for them in return, and so do you!. I have felt so alone and so misunderstood, and so disregarded by friends in the past. I started this at the end of 2023, but this year I have pretty much removed everyone I no longer want in my life. So, the people who I dropped everything to help at 3am when their car broke down, but can't text me on my birthday. The people who came to my house while my mom was dying, and bitched about their own problems instead of comforting me. The people who talk at me for hours about their hopes and dreams, but can't pay attention to me for 2 minutes when I talk about mine. Goodbye. I don't even read the messages they've sent me, and I'm letting them fade into irrelevance where they can't bother me with their bullshit and drama anymore.

Developing a more consistent self care routine. Again, I grew up in a shitty situation. My whole child/teenhood my idea of self care was washing my hair (with bar soap, no conditioner) and brushing my teeth. So, I've always struggled with learning how to actually take care of myself. I never had a mother figure, I wasn't taught anything about hygiene or how to take care of my hair and skin. I've been putting in an exorbitant amount of effort into learning hair care, skin care, dental hygiene, the whole 9 yards. Washing my face before bed, oiling my scalp before a shower and using leave in conditioner afterwards, moisturizing, flossing and using mouthwash, the list goes on. It's not much of a glow up, but I do feel a lot better about myself and my appearance, especially coming from a place where I never had access to these things. (now if I can just control the frizz...)

Deepening my personal practice. I won't go into much detail here as everyone's practice is different and I do want to have privacy in this aspect of my life. I've been making a better effort to meditate regularly, and that has helped significantly with my stress levels and focus. It's hard to meditate with ADHD, but I've found that it's okay to let your mind wander a little before reining it back in. I've also developed a connection with several spirits who have given me so much more than I expected. My journey with the occult has been life changing, and I have felt more comfortable divulging my practice to friends and internet dwellers alike. I'm no longer worried about how others see me, and I only want to be surrounded by people who care for me regardless of my spirituality. It has taken me a very long time to be open and proud of this part of my life, and I'm never going back.

If you read this far, thanks for taking the time to sit with me! I hope you have a blessed holiday season, and I hope the new year allows you to grow and experience the best that life has to offer.

[torialefay]

Hey! Here is my chart! Thank you so much for doing this. You honestly have no clue how excited I am. 😂

The many similarities in have with Chan is sometimes ridiculous, but I have a feeling you’re going to be able to see that. 😂😂

Let me know if you need anything!

xxmel

Here you are little honey ❤️

Ascendant in Gemini (1st house):

Yayayay Ascendant in Gemini. Same as Chan’s. From what I’ve seen, I think any air sign is naturally initially drawn to any other air sign. Especially in that witty Gemini energy, I think the connection between the two of you would be electric right off the bat. I think it’s even more supported by y’alls Libras both in Mercury… Like the convos would be SUPERIOR. It’s just one of those things that I think even if you had different stances on something, you’d really get why the other person felt that way and would leave with a newfound understanding and appreciation for their opinion.

In everyday life, I think this would manifest as lowkey being the party couple. Y’all just GET others and like to be around them (only limited tho bc y’all both have a lot of cerebral shit going on and even though you’re good at small talk, you have to escape sometimes and get that real mental stimulation.) I do see your friend groups intertwining though. He’d be besties with all your friends.

Midheaven in Pisces (12 house):

I normally don’t do Midheaven unless there’s a planetary placement there, but when I saw yours, I was like okayyyyy this makes sense. The way I see midheaven is that it’s heavily reflected in your online or social media presence. Being a Pisces Sun, I’m ngl I was like ‘okay this girl is just like me’ the first time you messaged me! Even though my MC is in Aquarius, I realllly see an extension of MC into the 11th house (so my Pisces too). I literally love the MC in Pisces placement bc I feel like it’s just so natural for making friends. I’m gonna bet you easily make friends through social media, even from the first time reaching out. And obviously Pisces being the ruler of the 12th house, you had to talk to me over our witchy, astro, spirituality shit bc it’s in your starrrrrs 🤭

Sun in Virgo in the 4th house:

Idk why but I hardly ever see 4th house placements on here… But you’re literally a married woman though so go figure. I feel weird explaining things bc I know you already know this…. SO I would bet that you’re a pretty cozy girl. Don’t get me wrong, you can def get along with people on a night out or something, but I think you’d be a great mothering type. Even if you don’t have or want kids, you probably have some quality about you that would bring a lot of comfort to those you live with. With practicality being involved, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were very supportive in your family endeavors and great at giving advice!

I’d also say from this placement that when you make friends, you turn them into family. People who meet you originally see you as fun, smart, and charming (even if you won’t admit it), but when getting closer to you, they realize that you are actually a really good friend who will always be truthful with them. In this way, I think the people that you allow into your life are those you deeeeply care about and treat them as one of your own.

Note: I also just feel like this plays into you expecting a lot of yourself. That’s all, just wanted to point that out (but Chan too so lord help yall).

I think this is a great placement with Chan tbh. We all know he’s has a “father” aspect to the kids, and I honestly think you’d be able to take on a mothering role to them as well. I could see your younger friends calling the both of you “Mom and Dad”. <3

Moon in Taurus in the 12th:

I loveeeee this placement and think it’s a great one with Chan. Reading your chart just seems to back every little thing up. Ofc Chan’s moon is in Libra so he needs that balance in life, but of course he has a hard time getting it with his internal struggles of knowing himself for who he truly is. I think it would be great for him to have a strong, steadfast sign like Taurus to support him and make him feel known. I feel like a lot of people view Taurus as this stubborn, unwavering sign, but I just don’t fully agree. I think the only time this is true is when they feel like they see things that others clearly DON’T. With it ruling over beauty and love, you’d be able to assure Chan in a very nurturing way. I could see you healing him in ways that he doesn’t even realize until he looks back to see how far he’s come in learning to love himself. The 12th placement is so wholesome too, I think it’d deffff be a soul-healing experience.

Mercury in Libra in the 5th house:

With your placement here in the 5th, I’d venture to guess that you are someone who looooooves having deep conversations. You probably also love being able to help people by giving them advice. It’s likely that being able to accurately communicate with people of all kinds is important to you. With Libra neeeeeding their harmony too, you probably have a sweet way of talking to people that makes them feel seen and understood (you prob really want this too tho hehe).

Chan’s Mercury is also in Libra, so I’m sure you would both have good communication for the most part. The ONLY thing I could somewhat worry about with both being in Libra, you both tend to avoid conflict. You would have to MAKE sure to talk with each other honestly, even if it could possibly hurt the others feelings (especially making sure to not sugar coat things too much). I will say, with all your Virg placements, I do see you having the upper hand in communication. Solving problems between the two of you, I also think you have the upper hand at analyzing what is the true problem and getting to it that way.

Venus in Virgo in the 4th house:

This placement tells me that you have a very loving, but not too suffocating, nature when in relationships with others. I think to be in a relationship with you would feel very stable. You are likely just GOOD at relationships. You understand what it means to be a good partner and how to make others feel loved. I look at the Virgo-Pisces axis as the axis of service… you having the upper hand at MAKING service (esp to a partner) happen. I look at Chan’s Libra as being on the “focus” axis, obviously his focus being on other people… wanting to please them.

Long story short, I think y’all would be great at making sure each other’s needs are being met. Whether that’s how frequent, where, and what types of things you’d like to explore in the bedroom.

Mars in Virgo in the 4th house:

With this placement, I think that having a pleasant surrounding, especially in the home, is gonna be super important to you. With that Virgo energy though, I do think this is a place you need to be careful with Chan. Since you have such high expectations of yourself, you may also expect others to live up to this standard. Chan’s Mars lives in Sag, so he may be a little more predisposed to needing his own freedom… or he may just not get it a little bit lol. And Chan can be explosive in fights so he defff wouldn’t like if he felt that way. But with all of your Virgo placements PLUS that Libra Mercury energy, I think you’d be able to make up just fine and reconcile. <3

Overall thoughts:

Big Mommy and Daddy energy. Y’alls relationship would be sickeningly sweet and cute and nurturing and understanding and ugh i cant stand yall 🙄

[anna-dreamer]

Hey everyone! It's my birthday, and i am indulging myself. I've made a playlist for my Silm OC Trevadriel, who is a lot like me 5-10 years ago (that should explain some song choices! XD). Gonna explain each and every song now in detail, cause I can!

Баллада о борьбе - Мельница Amidst melting candles and evening prayers, Amidst war trophies and peaceful fires There lived bookish children who knew no battles, Ever aching with their trivial catastrophes.

Children were ever vexed By their age and their life, So we fought to the blood, To mortal resentment, But our mothers mended Our clothes swiftly, Whereas we swallowed books, Drunk on words. An old-timey song from her Mom's playlist, at first adopted without thinking. Trevadriel is a very young elf, and her upbringing in Rivendell was inevitably based on the great stories of the past. This song is both her youth in the shadow of great heroes and her early adulthood, when the titular struggle came into her own life. We Didn’t Start the Fire - Billy Joel No, we didn't light it. What are you gonna do if you are born into the world where so many crucial decisions were made long before you? Apart traveling back in time. But that's not possible, right. Besides, Mom will explain it all to her anyway. She knows what to do. Невидимка - Город 312 Nobody knows her name. Nobody has ever seen her laugh. .... It's easier for her to be invisible, So what if the world does not see her cry. Someone might find it stupid and weird, But it's all very serious for her. The ultimate not like the other girls song. Connections, what connections? I've got my own world here! Говорят, а ты не верь! - Евгений Крылатов They say, with each year this world grows older, Sun hides away in clouds and gives off less warmth, They say, before was better than now, Let them talk - do not listen, Let them talk - do not believe it! Motely, huge, and joyous, Defying days and years passing, This world is dazzlingly young; It is as old as we are! Another old-timey song, Mum-influenced, adopted as a credo of sorts. Let others lament that the world is fading, I am young, and the Valar owe me a life! End of the World - Skeeter Davis Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don't they know it's the end of the world? 'Cause you don't love me anymore. Mum skedaddled. Stand My Ground - Within Temptation It's all around Getting stronger, coming closer into my world I can feel that it's time for me to face it Can I take it? Trevadriel's emo phase: after she runs away from home, her edgy gimmick ends with the imminent time travel. Hoist up the Thing - The Longest Jones Hoist up the thing! Batten down the whatsit! What's that thing spinning? Somebody should stop it! Turn hard to port! (That's not port?) Now I've got it! Trust me, I'm in control! Fake it till you make it - time travel edition, with huge stakes and little space for failure, wooo! Шелкопряд - Fleur And the seas filled to the brim drop by drop, Stones formed from a single grain of sand. It must be so long, eternity. I'd like to merely do my smallest part, With my short existence To weave at least one thread of silk.

Trevadriel is an elf and will live for a long while, but the world will live longer; it is huge, complicated, and she could never change all of it. She is choosing to do a small part. To gently persist. Hoping that in the end, it will make a difference. North - Sleeping at Last Smaller than dust on this map Lies the greatest thing we have: The dirt in which our roots may grow And the right to call it home Trevadriel finds Himring, swears fealty to Maedhros, and begins to feel truly at home in the Third Age. Children One and All - Mary Travers Some of us learn our lessons poorly Some of us learn them well Some of us find an earthly heaven Some of us live in hell Some of us go right on a'preachin' Without making too much sense Some of us hide behind a wall And some behind a fence But at night you can't you tell picket fences From bricks a tower tall But then we're only children Children one and all Trevadriel is slowly discovering that all people, even the most powerful and intimidating ones, are mere scared children at night, when all differences are meaningless. Riches and Wonders - Eliza Rickman and Jherek Bischoff We are strong, we are faithful We are guardians of a rare thing We pay close, careful attention To the news the morning air brings We show great loyalty To the hard times we've been through ... You felt shelter somewhere in me I find great comfort in you And I keep you safe from harm You hold me in your arms And I want to go home But I am home Trevadriel grows close with her time traveling buddies, filled with hope that they will both prevail in their mission and help each other. Five Foot Three - Flannel Graph Say if I had the kings of the earth on a board And I'd shift them around with their wealth and their swords Say if nations could rise and fall at my whim Oh I'd give you my power all the way to the brim Oh but I'm quite small and I never have it all together And I'm just a girl who doesn't have any diamonds or pearls But don't give me your pity 'cause there's more to life than pretty things So I'll just give you me Yeah I'll just give you me And I'm not even five foot three Maedhros. Чем ты дышишь - Ирина Богушевская What drives your heart, and who is your angel, And for whom were you singing, having lost your voice? Let me not know it, Merely call for me, if the memory grows bitter And oblivion would not deliver you. Let me into each day of your life: To be silent and to meet you without reproach in my eyes, Not knowing what drives your heart. Finrod.

End of the World - Skeeter Davis Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when you said, "Good-bye" Finrod told them to fuck off. Finrod told her to fuck off.

[my-castles-crumbling]

I am currently really struggling to understand myself and my gender. I've talked to a few people who all say similar things "you don't need to label it" or something like that. Which I get, I don't need to, but, what's causing me the most stress is the fact that I can't label it, I don't understand it or myself because I don't know what it is. I could be genderfluid, I could be non-binary, I could be lots of things but I don't know what I am and I hate it.

Sorry that is not what I wanted to say. Basically I wanted to ask whether getting a binder would be worth it. Because I would have to talk to my mum (I am out to my mum but like I said I don't actually know what I am, so it's difficult to explain what makes me comfortable or not to do with my gender) and she has always been one of those people who say that getting bras that fit and are supportive is really important. I get that, really, but I feel like because of that she won't let me get one and I don't know how to feel about that.

So do you think it's worth it?

(note- you are a wonderful person, thank you so much for being you and helping all the people that you do)

Hi! <333

Honestly? Yes. Here's why:

The only way you're going to truly figure out what makes you feel comfortable and euphoric is if you try different things. Luckily, a binder doesn't involve surgeries or medication, so it's a relatively easy thing to try. Especially since it seems like your mom is a relatively safe person to ask.

If it seems like your mom is resisting a binder based on the fit or safety questions, I'd suggest doing research together. Find reputable sites that ship to your area with pages that tell you the safe ways to wear binders (usually for only 8 hours at a time and never while sleeping). Work together to make a plan of how you will safely wear one (if you even end up liking it). Also, find a site that allows for returns. That way, if you don't like it or it fits wrong, you can always send it back.

To me, it seems like a good step toward exploring your gender with relatively low risk.

As far as your gender identity in general? While I completely agree with what you said about nor needing to label it, I understand why you want to know more about yourself. But remember- don't rush. Don't pressure yourself. Try different low-risk things to express yourself in different ways until things start to feel good.

You've got this, and I support you <3

[imposterogers]

hello, I don't know how serious you were when you said "someone needs to psychoanalyse Harry Osbourn" but ask and ye shall recieve? I am running on 4h of sleep, and just write my penultimate final so, like, this isn't the most consise or detailed but it does answer every rhetorical(?) question you posed. I'm explaining all the psych stuff assuming you don't have any orientation to the bullshit I'm about to spew, and I'm adding in links wherever explaining this will take too long so.... this is going to be a little pretty long.

Now, ideally psychoanalysis would be done via multiple hour long session (like nearly 20+) where the client just talks about their past memories, childhood, how they feel right now and what they think. Occasionally we throw in a dream or two, to see what their unconscious desires are. Essentially it’s very talk based, and in person is obviously the best. Since Harry is (a) fictional, and (b) not giving me enough screen time in the movie to just use the words he says, I'm not treating Harry like a client. Instead I'm just taking what we know about him and applying psychodynamic theories to him and treat him like a case study.

Now, I'm not actually sure how serious you were about the Psychoanalysing

We’re beginning with two main theories, 1. Freud’s Psychosexual Stages of Development: where the exploration of sexuality, formation of gender, it’s influences on self and the desires of a person are formed. 2. Erickson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development: which tells us what social needs were met, what weren’t, and how that influences personality/behaviour.

Note: Because it’s Freud and the late 1890s, sex and gender are the same and only the binary exists. Thus, this theory doesn’t look at gender, sexuality and is VERY outdated. These explanations are only used for heteronormativity, and homosexuality is considered a perversion from norm (which I’ll go into)

#1: Infancy to Toddler-hood:

My guess, due to Norman being abusive, cold, distant and uses money/luxury gifts to show his affection (if any), shit hits the fan from Stage 1 of the Psychosocial Stages: Trust vs Mistrust (0-Toddler age). At this stage it’s super important for a child to be around their primary care givers. Not having a primary care giver (parent, grand parent, nanny — someone who’s there with the child forming a deeply intimate bond) leave children with a sense of mistrust in the world. It make’s them prone to insecurity, and give the child unhealthy patterns of attachment, generally making them very “hope-less” (as in they are more likely to feel hopeless, isolated and alone and not just like... pathetic).

Assuming Emily Osborn died like a year after Harry was born, it's been somewhat implied she died due to post-pregnancy complications, Harry didn't have his mom around during the v imp phase. Norman is said to have really loved her and there’s a chance that after her death, Norman blamed Harry and treated him terribly. Either way, this means Harry grew up without the necessary bond post age 1, which has fundamentally fucked him and his perception of the world. Pair with this the entitelement that comes with wealth, and it's just truly too much.

#2: Toddler-hood to Childhood:

Now I’m going to the phallic stage (ages 3-5, toddler to child). This is from the psychosexual development, Freud’s theory. (Note: not the same theory as mentioned in the previous point). The middle stages in both theories are somewhat irrelevant to explain why Harry’s so.. that, but I can elaborate if you need it??

During the phallic stage, the idea is that the (cis)male child struggles with the Oedipus complex. He develops an attraction for the parent of the opposite sex, but is threatened by the parent of the same sex and thus begins to imitate the same sex parent to win the opposite sex parents affection.

So the son is attracted to the mother, but is threatened by the father (this specific fear in men is called castration anxiety for boys). Thus they imitate their father and his behaviour, hoping to receive affection from women who are like his mom. This obviously can influence the way he treats women.

Freud says neither heterosexuality nor homosexuality are innate, they are instead how we resolve our phallic stage — heterosexual is normal way to resolve it, and homosexual is to deviate from the norm. Now homosexuality could be a fixation of this stage — not resolving the conflict with his father and being heterosexual, will make him gay.

But I think he’s bi, so Harry associates with his father the way Freud expects children to, thus making him attracted to women as per normal (and also, this is why he identitfes as male, and doesn't have gender confusion). But he has unresolved his issues with Norman and wants his fathers affection and love. Both his parents are equally unattainable to him, one is dead the other is distant. Thus, Harry has to deviate from the norm on an unconscious level, and wants his fathers approval which he will get via the same resolution. This just means he loves and seeks approval from both men and women, which just like... makes him bi???? (keep in mind, sexuality and gender spectrum is the biggest limitation to Freud's theory

#3: Childhood

I’m skipping to the inferiority vs industry stage (ages 6-11) in the psychosocial stages where the child learns to either be industrious — confident, social, ambitious; or feels inferior.

I think Harry became industrious, he was taught to be strong and be the ruthlessly aggressive bully, and was also doing that because it was what got him his dad’s approval. He unlearns it, but it is also his nature, in a more innate way.

This stage in the psychosocial theory, starts right where the phallic stage in psychosexual ends. So, I’m guessing that Harry resolves his sexuality crisis via Freud, but his social needs of love, belonging and care are still up in the air, which he resolves via Erickson’s. This appeases his base consciousness, he has two problems, they are solved. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy or not, he is literally 10. He does what worked for him, and associates with his fathers way again making him the confident bully that we see him as.

So now we come to Peter... what’s up with that?

Peter is smart like his father. His need for his fathers love is thus projected here. There’s a sort of transference, his need for approval from dad is not only found in Peter, but like Peter actually genuinely loves him too. Emily, his mother, no idea what she’s like but let’s she loved him unconditionally, and he probably felt safe around her — Peter evokes those same feelings in Harry. Thus, his means of resolving his gender and sexuality crisis during the phallic stage is coming back to bite him in the ass, via Peter. He’s like the mix between what he needed socially, love and acceptance; with what he desires, approval from his father who is a smart man

Why does he treat MJ like that? Because that’s how Norman shows love and affection to a person. Norman just spoilt this boy with his riches, and didn’t show an ounce of love or affection, and thus Harry assumes spoiling MJ is how he can show that he loves her.

Why is he dating MJ, the girl his best friend loves. Remember that bit about attraction to the opposite sex parent, so you associating with the same sex to win affection? Well. He’s doing that… but wrong. He is associate himself with what the object of his affection (Peter) is attracted to (MJ), in hopes that he will become like said object of attraction (like MJ), thus winning over (because Peter will now want him). I am not claiming that Harry is normal, or ok. I’m just saying, this is how you can explain it.

Why take Peter out on these not-dates? Same logic as point 2, it’s how he shows affection.

Why does Harry ask Peter to go hit on MJ? Denial. The defence mechanism of denial specifically

I can go on, but I will stop. PS. Also, you’re right. Not only is Harry in love, he subconsciously desires Peter? Like on a carnal level.

harry osborn has been psychoanalyzed

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[ruminate88]

Traumatic Events?

My whole life I’ve never understood “Trauma” or “Being Traumatized”. Those words weren’t even in my vocabulary. I knew what it felt like to be “lonely”, “invisible”, “made fun of”, “bullied online”, “exploited.” Never saw any of that as “Traumatic”…..

So week of thanksgiving last year, I decide to decorate my house with Christmas lights early because it’s so much work to put them up and tare them down. Well, I fell putting up the Christmas lights. I mean, I smacked hard on our concrete driveway. When it first happened, I thought I broke my nose. I ran inside and told my husband I fell. He came over to me and watched me sit down and try to calm myself down. I didn’t know if I was hurt or not. Turns out, thankfully nothing seemed broke but I had very very deep bruises on my legs and I was SO SORE the next few days…

Nights in a row I kept replaying the fall in my mind and some reason it was upsetting me, even though I was ok. Weeks go by and I’m still somewhat sore and still have bruises on my legs. I asked my Mom, “Why is taking so long for my legs to heal?” She says, “Healing Takes Time”. Wow. That struck a chord in me!! I had been beating myself up that all these years later and I STILL can’t stop constantly replaying memories in my head of Andrew or Cody. I STILL get emotional over them both.

For the first time, I started to realize that my experiences with my exes were traumatic and it explains so many of my current health issues and mental barriers. It ALL started coming together. I began to have more understanding of my healing journey and yet I don’t understand all the ruminating and I went through this terrible phase where I was dreaming and constantly imagining thoughts of Andrew stalking me…. I googled what it all meant and it said possibly my mind was trying to make sense of the relationship…. 😓❤️‍🩹

A situation I can’t talk about happens with my in laws in February of this year and it’s very very traumatic and just an overall nightmare. It began to feel like my life was a series of events full of trauma… but why? I can’t explain or answer that, I can only say I am still growing as a person and this event has actually opened doors for my mom in law and myself to talk but I fear we could be trauma bonding and idk how I feel about that….

Also, I have way more understanding for my mom in law than most would and yet she always thought becuase I was homeschooled, that I lived under a rock and never experienced anything major in life, yet, I’m the one understanding her situation and helping her out…. Life is crazy for sure.

You don’t realize how deep the wounds are truly. Last night, I had thoughts flashback in my mind of just the amount of confusion I had with my ex Andrew, how truly I can’t believe anything about him becuase he wore this false face and just the whole thing is super hurtful and makes me question my perceptions of my past. I thought I knew him but I don’t and that’s just hard to wrap my head around it. As these thoughts were going through my head, I just felt like “Oh gosh the wounds are soooooo deep.” And it feels like this huge mountain I’m climbing up that I’m healing but one day at a time truly is the only way to approach this phase in my life.

This healing journey feels long, never ending and sometimes crazy but I’m working my way through it. It was enough for Jake to exploit me, then Cody ghosting me but then for Andrew to know I’ve been ghosted and heartbroken and yet to continue to deceive me regardless…. That just pushed me over the edge. Only by prayers and God’s love have I even begun to rebuild myself and my life. It’s been super difficult because it’s no different than pushing your body in the gym to get fit. It’s painful. Growing pains are always painful.

I’ve experienced so many different health issues, emotions, struggles, you name it. I’ve been in and out, up and down. The will to survive and the will to love is what keeps me going. Knowing I have these emotional barriers trying to block me from my present life and yet believing God is helping me each day learn more about the past and the present too. Helping me to forgive myself and my exes. Actively teaching me as I blog, I consistently make new discoveries and find more breakthroughs.

I’ve never talked so much about trauma in my whole life till I am older and finally understand myself. Yet it’s not stopping here. I’m continually under construction and think I’ll always be until I leave this world. I’ll never be a finished project down here. I’m always becoming more self aware each day. I’m more aware of people around me and I’m adjusting to constant change, growth and new outlooks on life. My life will NEVER be the way it was when I was younger. I will forever see the world differently now that I know about emotional abuse and trauma. Yet, the trauma is just experiences I’ve faced and yeah they’ve affected me in various ways but they don’t define me as a person. Just parts of my story. One day I hope to not talk about trauma anymore AND I pray I don’t experience anymore traumatic events but can’t predict the future. Can only ask God to protect me and be with me every where I go. I know I’m making progress even if I don’t always feel as if I’ve gotten anywhere. Patience is key. 🔑