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velvette-creations · 4 months ago

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Bite the bullet and run

The Boys: Billy Butcher x fem!reader

Rating: Explicit (Minors DNI)

WC: 1.9 k

Prompt: Held at Gunpoint for @sweetspicybingo (Hurt/Comfort Bingo Collection)

Warnings: spoilers for season 4, injury/blood, oral (f receiving), fingering, c*m eating, overstimulation, a bit of angst, alcohol consumption, anger, hallucinations

Summary: Billy Butcher is living on borrowed time

Billy is staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, and he knows it. The trigger is cocked, bullet warm in the chamber, just itching to fire into his brain. Karmic retribution; he’s done his fair share of lousy shit under the guise of being a hero, and now it’s catching up to him. Took the V and paid the price. He’s living on borrowed time as the tumor destroys his brain, bringing him closer and closer to death. He knows it, but he can’t admit it. Even as the hallucinations of Rebecca and Kessler make it painfully honest.

He wonders how long he can keep spinning out of control, keep blacking out, and keep pushing reality down; god knows it’s already wreaked havoc on his mental state. It’s not like he can escape it; eventually, the cold, hard reality will come knocking on his front door. His mind flickers briefly to the thought of you and the citrus smell of your perfume, of leaving you behind to handle the mess. You’re a cold-hearted bastard, Bucher; just admit, it will do you good, Kessler sneers. But he’s not; Billy Butcher is flesh and blood, human, and he’s not ready to bite the bullet just yet.

He downs the shot, the whiskey burning his throat and dulling his senses. The liquor won’t change anything but allows him a moment's sweet respite from reality. He can hear Kessler’s sardonic laughter from the stool next to him, the outline of him in Billy’s peripheral vision. He’s not fucking real, the cunt ain’t there, Billy seethes in his head.

That’s where you’re wrong, Billy Boy. I’m a part of you now; better get used to it—the devil on his shoulder.

Billy orders another shot, nearly jumping out of his skin when your hand presses against his shoulder. He’s ready to throw an enraged punch to your face until he realizes it’s you.

“What has you so pissed off that you were ready to knock me through a wall?” you ask dryly as you slip into the stool beside him, Kessler’s form dissipating. You turn toward the bartender and order two shots: one for him and one for you.

“A bit of this, a bit of that, love. This Neuman business has got us all on edge, don’t it?” he grumbled, wrapping his blunt fingers around the shot glass. You want to slap him right across the face. You know it’s more than that.

You hmmm softly before downing your shot, then tap your fingers against the sticky bar counter.

“Sorry, but I’m not buying that bullshit. You’ve been off for weeks. You’re hiding something.” You don’t mean to sound so accusatory, but you’re tired of dancing around the issue. It pisses you off that he’s withholding, and you’re tired of letting him crawl between your legs so he can avoid reality.

“Ain’t none of your business, love,” he snorts, and you slam your hands against the bar.

“Fuck you, Billy! It is my fucking business! If I’m gonna wake up to you dead next to me in bed one morning, I deserve to fucking know,” you growl, making heads turn in your direction.

Tell her, Billy. You don’t have to be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. Sweet, sweet Rebecca, the angel on his other shoulder.

He glares up at you, anger dancing in his dark eyes, but you can see the pain pushing through. You’re ready for the explosion; you welcome it. Anything to prove that he still has a fight inside of him, that he isn’t giving in so willingly. Glass shatters as he slams it against the bar, tiny pieces embedding in his skin and blood oozing from the shallow cuts. You hold your hand out as the bartender storms over.

“We’re going,” you assure him, leaving enough cash to cover the shots and a generous tip to compensate for the disturbance and broken glass. You grab Billy’s upper arm and tug him towards the door.

The bartender was kind enough to lend you a clean rag to wrap around Billy’s injured hand, and you guide him toward your apartment, which is a couple blocks away. The silence is deafening as you both sit hunched over in your small bathroom (the light is better there) as you remove the glass from Billy’s cuts with tweezers. Once you’re assured you’ve gotten them all out, you wash and disinfect his hand before wrapping it in a clean bandage. How many nights have you spent cleaning blood and stitching up wounds, avoiding the hospital if able? How many nights have you spent with his mouth hot on your cunt as his tongue brings you to the edge of sweet oblivion? Intimate in so many ways, yet the art of communication is lost.

“I ain’t trying to lie to you, love. I just don’t wanna say it,” he murmurs, his gaze cast to the floor, counting the white tiles to glisten in the bright light.

Tell her, Billy

You gently grasp his uninjured hand, smoothing your thumb over his knuckles. “Are you sick?”

He nods.

“Are you living on limited time?”

He nods again. He’s told you all you need to know without saying a word.

“Will you let me be there for you?”

There is a hesitation before he nods a third time. He can see Rebecca smiling at him from over her shoulder.

“Thank you. I won’t say anything to the rest of the team,” you assure him. Secrets are for him to share, not you. You won’t betray his trust in that way.

“Thanks, love.”

“Come on, you can crash with me tonight.”

You find a show to watch that isn’t under the Vought umbrella and share Chinese takeout with Billy, squished together on your small couch, the space he’ll be sleeping on tonight. You made it painfully evident with the extra pillow and blankets sitting on the small coffee table in front of the TV. The truth may have been revealed, but you’re not ready to completely mend fences.

“Night, Billy,” you whisper, brushing your lips over his warm cheek, feeling the soft stubble of his beard scrape against your skin.

“Night, love,” he sighs, and you disappear into your bedroom.

Eventually, you’re finally caught in the hazy space of sleep and the waking world when you feel the mattress dip. Billy’s warm body settles against your back, and his bandaged hand rests on your hip.

“I’ll go if you want me to, love, but I’ve missed you,” he whispers in your ear before his lips ghost along the curve of your neck. Need palpitates in your belly. You don’t want him to go. Maybe you’re more forgiving than you thought.

“Don’t…don’t go, Billy,” you beg, your words holding a heavier meaning as tears sting your eyes.

“I’m right here, love, I’m right here,” he assuages, pulling you closer with his other hand before it slips under your tank top to cup one of your breasts. His thumb circles around your nipple until it hardens. His cock presses against the swell of your ass. Your citrus perfume tickles his nose.

You rut against him, grabbing his hand and moving it down your belly. He plunges into your shorts, his warm palm finding your damp cunt immediately. His rough fingers stroke your folds, gathering up your arousal.

“Billy,” you whine. His bare chest radiates warmth, and you yearn to curl into it.

“I’m right here, love,” he breathes as two fingers slip inside you. You clench around him, rocking your hips as needy mewls spill from your lips. It never takes much for him to make you come completely undone. You try to push away the thought that he’s living on borrowed time, which could be one of the last moments you share with him. Might as well make the most of it.

Your eyes roll back as his fingers pump steadily in and out of your pussy, making your toes curl before you spill into orgasm. Animalistic lust surges through you as Billy removes his fingers and tugs your shorts down your legs. You roll over, tugging off your tank and his boxers before lowering your mouth to suck on the tip of his cock. Once he’s coated in your salvia, you mount him, sinking deep onto his cock.

“Bloody hell,” he groans, his good hand gripping your hip tightly before slipping up your belly to take a handful of your tits.

You bounce on his cock, working your muscles and riding him like it might be his last night. You try to push away the thought that it very well might be. You reach down to cup his face as sweat pools down your back.

“Billy, fuck, Billy,” you moan, tracing your thumb around his plush lips.

“Love the way you scream my name, darlin’,” he grins, all cocksure. There he is. There’s your Billy.

“Don’t I know it,” you purred, squeezing around his cock as his hips thrust beneath you. A chill sets in the outside air, but inside is all heat. His flesh is sweaty and salty, and you can’t get enough of it.

Billy finds his fire and his strength, remaining buried inside you as he changes positions, placing you on your back underneath him so he can pound you. Your legs tighten around his waist as he leans down to capture you in a fiery kiss, one where you can taste his passion and the salt of his skin. Your nails skim down his back as flesh smacks together. Wet sounds fill the air, intermingling with his grunts and your pants. You tremble beneath him as you reach your peak, and he spills inside you, making you milk him for all he’s worth. He stays pressed against you as your fingers drag lazily through his damp, dark hair.

Billy gazes into your eyes, thinking it was well spent if this was his last night on earth. Better to go out with a bang and in between the thighs of a woman he loves. Not that he’s ever uttered those words out loud. Almost feels as if he’s betraying Rebecca, but fucking hell, how long can he hold onto ghosts? He gently slips out of you, leaving kisses along your neck, over the swells of your breasts and your belly, before he reaches your soaked, swollen cunt. He can’t help but swipe his tongue over the mess of himself mixed with you.

“Billy,’ you gasp, tangling your fingers in his hair as you squirm against his mouth.

“Indulge a dying man, would you, love? Don’t deny me my favorite last meal,” he murmurs against your damp thighs.

“Oh, you’re an asshole,” you laughed, giving his hair a sharp tag.

“Don’t I know it?” His tongue swirls against your core, dipping inside you.

You’re oversensitive from earlier, and it doesn’t take long for you to cum against his mouth, feeling absolutely spent by the time he’s finished. You’re coated in sweat, and a shower sounds so good, but you can’t be fucked to move. You barely muster up the strength to drape yourself over Billy’s naked chest, holding tightly to him. His bandaged hand rests lightly against your lower back. You snuggle your face against the crook of his neck, committing his scent and flesh to your memory.

Billy Butcher is staring down the barrel of a gun, but for now, he only cares about the feeling of you in his arms. He’ll bite the fucking bullet another fucking day.

#fic: the boys #sweetspicyhc #billy butcher #billy butcher x reader #billy bucher x you #the boys fanfic #billy butcher fanfic #billy butcher imagine #the boys imagine

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virescent-v · 11 months ago

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Hello! As someone who struggled with a SH Addiction…as wild as it sounds. I was wondering if you could do Reader(Sh Addiciton) is clean but had urges again and is struggling to fight them with Emily helping them? It would help me as someone whose struggling rn lol

Siren Call

A/N: Hi lovie, I tried my best with this. I have struggled with depression since my teenage years, and suicide ideations throughout that time. To be transparent, I've never dealt with self-harm. I hope I managed to capture those feelings for you and do this justice.

To anyone reading this: Check the trigger warnings. Protect yourself. Please reach out if you're struggling. You're not alone and the world is better with you in it. <3

SAMHSA's National Hotline: 1-800-662- 4357, or text your zip code to 435748 for help near you.

Warnings: Mentions of self-harm/cutting, mentions of razors. It's not very graphic imo, but again, protect yourself if these are not things you feel okay reading.

Word Count: 1.4k

It was a rollercoaster of emotion flowing through you. Ups and downs and turns that you could hardly keep up with. Numbness, but at the same time, a devastating whirlwind of thought. You weren’t sure how you could feel so empty but so full of emotion at one time, but you were.

The depression was not new, a thing carried along with you every day from your adolescence, like a shadow or a tumor. Always there, sometimes bothersome, sometimes silent, and just waiting for a moment to shatter any progress you’ve made.

Everyone you’ve talked to has dealt with their mental health differently; therapy, medications, denial. And, sometimes, those did work for you. You met with your therapist once a week (less, if you couldn’t afford it), you were on your third antidepressant, and you tried so hard to ignore how your mind betrayed you.

The one thing that was consistent, that always helped with the emotions coursing through you, was physically releasing them.

The first time you cut yourself, you were sixteen. You’d only learned about it from the darker corners of the internet, a place you shouldn’t have been. Too young, too impressionable. But, the first slice of the razor against the skin of your thigh felt good. As the skin tore apart from itself, as the blood oozed from the wound, all of your negative feelings went too.

With each drop of blood, you felt the freedom from doubt, worry, anger, sadness. Each cut brought a feeling of euphoria, the dopamine replacing all of the emotions that were burying you.

It was a habit that continued throughout your teenage years, and even early twenties. When the destructive thoughts got too much, the razor was there to bring color back into your life. But, as you got older, you got smarter, more diligent in the way those terrible thoughts would creep into your mind, suffocating the joy from you. You learned better coping mechanisms, learned how to manage the craving of the sharpness of a blade against your fragile skin.

But still, the release would call to you, a siren of a dreadful sea you did not want to be a voyager on.

On such nights, when the waves of despair rocked you too roughly, your girlfriend Emily was usually there to distract you, a life preserver to stop you from drowning.

Unfortunately, Emily wasn’t always there. Her job was demanding, important, much more important than your broken brain. Which made tonight, a particularly rough night, hard for you.

Everything seemed to be weighing down on you, going wrong, unavoidable mishap after mishap. The shadows seemed to wrap themselves around your brain, spindly fingers digging their claws in with no sign of letting go.

The siren call beckoned, a melodious tune that pulled you in, easing the racing thoughts in your mind.

You stood in front of your bathroom mirror, the reflection in front of you hardly recognizable. Your skin pallor, dry, dark under your eyes. You licked around your chapped lips, feeling the fuzziness of your unbrushed teeth. Your clothes hung off of your body, loose from multiple days of wear. Unkempt hair, a tangled mess atop your head. You looked as rough as you felt, the lack of sleep and self-care exacerbating your inner turmoil.

Taking a shaky breath, you looked down at your hands, the newly purchased razor blade sitting in the box. Pretty, new, waiting for use. You imagined the shine of the blade against your skin, how the silver would contrast the uneven, blotchy shade of you. How the deep red hemoglobin would look, how it would bring color back to you.

The call got louder.

As you were about to tear open the box, a single word, a single thought, broke through the haze of your mind.

Emily.

The cacophony of noise halted. You knew that she wouldn’t be disappointed. She’s the only one who ever really understood this habit, this… addiction. Understood how the silence and the noise bantered back and forth in a way that was sensory overload, how sometimes the only way to get it to stop was to cut. To feel something else.

While she wouldn’t be disappointed, you could imagine the look on her face, how her eyes would hold all of her thoughts. She’d get you through it, she always has, but sometimes her looks haunted you more than your own thoughts did.

Instead, you picked up the phone.

It rang twice; she never sent you to voicemail unless she absolutely could not answer.

“Baby?” She whispered. You’d woken her up. “Everything okay?”

You tried to talk. The air was trapped in your lungs, the only noise escaping you a hollow breath, a crushed whimper.

You could hear Emily sit up in bed, the click of a lamp. “Love? Answer me.” Her voice was more alert, commanding, an edge of fear.

You swallowed hard. Your breath coming quicker, everything threatening to rush out of you. “Em,” another shaky whimper, a plea.

“Take a breath for me, sweetheart. You’re okay. I’m right here.” You could hear the rustling of clothes being pulled on.

The box in your hands rattled as it fumbled onto the bathroom sink, your trembling hands unable to hold it. Another thing you couldn’t do your mind hissed at you.

“I can’t - can’t ma-make it s-stop.” You forced the words out, stumbling them into each breath you inhaled.

“I’m coming, baby. Stay on the phone with me. You’re okay.” A car door slammed, the engine roaring to life. A siren.

“Listen to me. I’ll be right there. Listen to my voice.” Emily continued to talk, walking you through the case she was working on. How the weather was. Her favorite movie. Nonsensical ramblings to keep you focused on her. You’d grunt occasionally in response, a way to ensure her you were still listening, still there.

Your vision tunneled, black around the edges, as your grip on the sink tightened. You could feel the rush of blood through your body in your ears, your limbs starting to tingle as the numbness started.

You weren’t sure how much time had passed before you heard the front door slam, hasty footsteps through the hallway. A hand covering yours.

Emily turned your body towards hers, her hands cupping your cheeks, trying to bring your eyes to hers.

You felt paralyzed, stuck in a mud so thick and deep you couldn’t move. You tried to focus on Emily’s voice, the rubbing of her thumbs across your cheekbones. You tried to blink, tried to get your eyes to focus.

Noticing that she wasn’t getting through to you, Emily wrapped you in the tightest hug she could, squeezing you as hard as her arms could handle. A way to help calm down your overactive nervous system, as if she was trying to transfer your energy to her.

Eventually the shaking calmed down, the pins and needles in your limbs still pushing and pulling, beating to the accelerated pace of your heart. You were finally able to look at Emily, her eyes shining in worry, but also protectiveness. A lighthouse in a stormy sea.

She tucked your hair behind your ear, checking over your body for signs of harm. Finding none, seeing the unopened box on the counter, she breathed a sigh of relief. “Let's go lay down, love.”

She all but dragged you to bed, shoving you under the covers before turning off the overhead light. She walked back into the bathroom, presumably to get rid of the box of razors.

Your eyes remained closed the entire time, listening to her fiddle around with things in your bedroom, the sound of her jeans hitting the carpeted floor before she joined you in bed. Her strong, warm arms wrapped around you, pulling you close to her, your head on her chest.

Her hands traversed your body, as if taking note of each inch of your scarred, but intact skin. She paid extra attention to your previous cuts, the scars healed and raised and pink, a testament of your ability to withstand. Each line a reminder that you made it. That while the emotion swelled over you, overtook you, that you came out on the other side stronger.

“Sleep, love. I’ll be here. We can talk about it in the morning.”

All at once, exhaustion engulfed you. You settled more into Emily, breathing in her perfume, realizing at once that she was your saving grace, your protector. You were capable of overcoming anything with her at your side.

Slowly, as you started to drift off to sleep, the blacks and grays of the shadows disappeared, replaced by a kaleidoscope of colors. Emily’s steady heart lulled you into a sense of comfort. In her arms, the noises and silence settled, the siren call faded into a calming ebb and flow of waves. What was once a tumultuous, dark and violent sea became a mellow, sparkling tide. With Emily, you were home and you were safe from the shadows that haunted you.

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss fanfic #virescent v fanfic #emily prentiss fanfiction #please please please reach out if you are struggling #it does get better i promise #ngl i do not like how i ended this but i wanted to get it out #also sorry for all of the water metaphors??? im a pisces lmao

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jinxed-sinner · 7 months ago

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Analyzing Niffty Receiving A Lobotomy Because This Is Actually A Lot More Interesting Than People Realize

Alright so I've seen a lot of people theorize that Niffty suffered a lobotomy before she died and I'm here to add onto it because this is actually really interesting to analyze, to the point I hope Niffty canonically had a lobotomy because it just makes everything about Niffty make a hell of a lot more sense.

First of all, some trigger warnings.

Obviously, we're talking about lobotomies. If medical malpractice and abuse bother you, I would not recommend reading this post. Additionally, Rosemary Kennedy is used as an example of the effects lobotomies have; if you don't know Rosemary's story, it's frankly horrific and the details of her lobotomy is not for the faint of heart. Proceed with caution.

Now let's do some analysis. (putting the rest of this under a read more cut because lobotomies are absolutely horrific)

First of all, what is a lobotomy?

A lobotomy is a medical procedure that was introduced in the United States in 1935. It involves severing connections in the prefrontal cortex, usually by drilling a hole in the skull (although a technique that involved going underneath the eyelid, known as a transorbital lobotomy, was introduced in 1946). Multiple techniques existed. Lobotomies were used to treat violent tendencies, psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations, and depression, among other things.

When lobotomies weren't fatal (and it's worth noting that in the 1940s, the mortality rate of a lobotomy was 5%; the average mortality rate* for modern brain tumor removal is approximately 2.3% for comparison), a person who received one usually had their emotions and cognitive and intellectual abilities stunted to that of a young child.

*Average because it depends on the type of tumor you're having removed, as well as how bad the tumor is

Rosemary Kennedy

The most well-known lobotomy victim is probably Rosemary Kennedy, who experienced seizures and violent mood swings. She received a lobotomy at the age of 23 in 1941 in response to these problems, which left her unable to take care of herself, and permanently at the mental capacity of a 2-year-old. Her lobotomy is described as follows:

After Rosemary was mildly sedated, "We went through the top of the head," Dr. Watts recalled. "I think she was awake. She had a mild tranquilizer. I made a surgical incision in the brain through the skull. It was near the front. It was on both sides. We just made a small incision, no more than an inch." The instrument Dr. Watts used looked like a butter knife. He swung it up and down to cut brain tissue. "We put an instrument inside", he said. As Dr. Watts cut, Dr. Freeman asked Rosemary, for example, to recite the Lord's Prayer or sing "God Bless America" or count backwards;... "We tried to estimate thus, how far to further cut, based on how Rosemary responded." When she began incoherent, they ceased cutting.

I want to point out that even in modern neurosurgery, keeping someone conscious during the surgery isn't uncommon. The brain doesn't have pain receptors, and therefore you don't feel pain on your brain. Keeping someone conscious, as suggested above, is an important part of making sure you're making the right incisions and not cutting into something you shouldn't.

What happened to Rosemary Kennedy is disgusting. I need to emphasize that. I'm not bringing up Rosemary Kennedy in my Hazbin analysis post just because; I'm bringing her up because she's the most notable case of what can happen when you survive a lobotomy (in my mind at least), and I think if you're going to discuss the theory that Niffty was lobotomized in depth, it's important to know what you're talking about.

Now let's discuss Niffty's behaviors.

Niffty

In my opinion, Niffty's most clear trait is her violent tendencies. Additionally, a lot her behavior is reminiscent of OCD. Niffty's behavior is also very childlike, which brings me to an interesting conclusion: as a demon, Niffty's personality and behavior are a combination of her pre-lobotomy self and her post-lobotomy self (violent tendencies and OCD that led to her lobotomy combined with the post-lobotomy personality of being more child-like and socially unaware). In addition to both of these, when I see her design I think of a transorbital lobotomy gone wrong.

Like her behavior feels like someone who got a lobotomy but eventually gained a form where they weren't as affected by that lobotomy. It's really interesting to me and it makes me kinda sad that I haven't seen anyone really analyze the theory that Niffty was a lobotomy victim beyond just "Niffty got a lobotomy when she was alive" because it just explains too much for that to not be the intention. Like I don't think it's a coincidence that she died when lobotomies were happening left and right and her personality fits a combination of pre- and post-lobotomy personalities.

Makes me excited to learn more about her honestly.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel analysis #hazbin hotel niffty #tw medical malpractice #tw lobotomy #tw abuse #if i said anything wrong or weird pls let me know

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coffeecat1983 · 4 months ago

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On Ao3

My longest piece now has a few mini sequels, so I decided to collect them here.

Mario Bros: Thanks for Everything Expanded edition (Rated 'T')

In an alternate timeline to my other Mario works, thirteen years have passed since the events of the movie. Mario is now a father and king, Luigi an ambassador to the other kingdoms. Life in the kingdoms and back in Brooklyn is peaceful, but when the brain tumor from thirteen years ago returns and will take Tony's life, everyone realizes just how much one person has impacted their lives.

Mario Bros: 'One Week Later' (rated 'M')

Arthur deals with Tony's passing in the only way he can think of, and the end result forces Giovanni to confront his youngest brother. Please note the trigger warnings in the tags!

Mario Bros: "Don't shut me out." (Rated G)

Two months after the events of Mario Bros: Thanks for Everything Expanded edition, Luigi begins to withdraw from his family and Mario enlists some help to find out what's going on.

#fanfic #mario #luigi #super mario bros #mario movie #uncle tony #uncle arthur #mario fanfic #various ratings #various trigger warnings #please read the tags before reading #fanfic collection

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dancingwiththesocks-blog · 8 months ago

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Chapter 4 of The chronicles of Dave and his clones is up and ready to read!

Attempt 4- Imperfection.

Daves fourth attempt manifests into the most unsettling version of himself yet.

Trigger warning- Mention of brain tumors and other gory things! Please don't read if you find this topic upsetting!

#incredibox #writers on tumblr #orin ayo #breakthrough #fanfiction #incredibox breakthrough

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dualityvn · 1 year ago

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Hey, Nightmare, I hope life's been treating you well!

I'm in a bit of a self-indulgent mood, and since uni has been coming full-force after my butt, I wanted to ask what the boys' reaction would be to a veterinary medicine student mc who's one second talking about their patients and how cute and sweet some are, and the next is talking about this (trigger warning? Sorry, i've never used these before :' ) necropsy they did in class and how it was really cool that they managed to see a tumor the size of a human brain, right before going back to talking about some beautiful cat or something...because i sometimes just ramble and forget that most people can get weirded out by these topics 🙃

-🌙

These two probably wouldn't mind it too much, since they've seen their fair share of gruesome things. Tenebris might get sad if you tell him about an animal being really sick and in pain, but otherwise, he won't mind you talking about gruesome things.

#duality game #yandere #dating sim #visual novel

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brightbeautifulthings · 6 months ago

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The Witch Elm by Tana French

"One blink, one glance to the side, and when you look again everything is different: the trees and the garden wall and the people all looked like themselves, but they were made of some new and alien material; the world looked unchanged, and yet somehow I was standing in an entirely different place."

Year Read: 2024

Rating: 3/5

About: When a burglary gone terribly bad leaves Toby Hennessy hospitalized and near death, his entire life is upended. Recovering and horrified that he may never fully recover, he moves into the Ivy House, a family home where he spent childhood summers running wild with his cousins, to care for his Uncle Hugo, who has a terminal brain tumor. Their idyllic peace is shattered when a human skull is found in the wych elm in the Ivy House's garden, and Toby must come to terms with the idea that the past isn't quite as he remembers it. Trigger warnings: character death (on page), graphic violence, suicide mentions, severe illness, cancer, seizures, sexual harassment, threats, bullying, homophobia, ableism, the atrocity of cutting down a two hundred year old tree.

Thoughts: I've never met a Tana French novel I didn't at least like. She's a gorgeous writer, and that alone is reason enough for me to pick up her books. Her prose is detailed, insightful, and absorbing in a way I find less and less in fiction as I get older. I can gauge my investment by how often I feel the need to check my phone as I'm reading, but with these, I'm happy to silence it for hours and let myself be pulled into her world. There's not a lot she doesn't excel at, from strong sense of place and complex, devastatingly human characters to arresting drama and the slow unwind of a mystery. Like most of French's novels, this one depends on an understanding of characters and their natures to work. How well do we really know them? How well do they know each other? Well enough to know which of them could commit murder-- and get away with it?

That being said, this isn't destined to be one of my favorites. Unlike some reviews, I didn't mind that the mystery was slow to take off. While I enjoy the murder plots, it's not really why I read these, and prose and character are usually enough for me. I like the deep dive we get on Toby's life. What killed some of my enjoyment was actually Toby himself. For all his charm and largely harmless obliviousness, he's just not that likeable as a human being. I had the same problem with Rob in In the Woods. They're both such lackluster, self-centered dudes, and I don't think it's a coincidence that my favorite French novels largely hinge on the narrators (Cassie, The Likeness; Frank, Faithful Place; Antoinette, The Trespasser). Toby's attack brings out the worst of him, as such things tend to do, and while it's well played out, it gets a bit difficult to be in his head. He's just so ableist about not wanting anyone to think less of him for his slightly slurred speech or his limp-- which, with exactly one exception, no one ever does. The problem is that Toby would think less of other people for these things, and like so many of the other characters throughout the novel, I just wanted to shake him and tell him to get some perspective. Other humans exist in the world with experiences entirely different from yours.

I can't help feeling this would have been better as a Dublin Murder Squad novel told, say, from Detective Rafferty's perspective, but on the whole that comes down to a preference for smart narrators over moronic ones. I was on board with the mystery to a point and was even starting to get a sense of where it was headed, as I usually do with her books. It's less a sudden epiphany than a slow, dawning horror that, the characters being who and what they are, this could only have gone one way. There are a couple fascinating philosophical threads throughout about whether a person's nature or their actions make them good or bad (is badness something you do, or is it just something you are? if you were never in the position to do something bad, would you still have that potential in you? is it the potential that makes you bad, or the action?) and our desperate, often flawed search for reasons for the things that happen to us and whether misfortune is something we deserve or something that just happens to us. The end went off in a fairly absurd, unnecessary direction, however, and those last two chapters or so really made me regret my investment. I think the overall message is that personalities are so dependent on context that it's almost impossible to really know someone or ourselves, but it comes over feeling more like people kill other people for utterly stupid, pointless reasons, which is not a very rewarding takeaway after five hundred pages.

#book review #tana french #the witch elm #crime thriller #adult fiction #3/5 #rating: 3/5 #2024 #tw: ableism

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harmoniousworld · 2 years ago

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I wanted to document this here if that's allowed. I have a comorbid situation along with EDS. I went to the ER today. Idk if I'm having a side effect from a new medicine or not. While at the ER, at about 4:00 a.m., I took "magic mouthwash" along with Amoxicillin, given by the ER doctor. I have taken the Amox. in the past and tolerated it rather well.

The side effects I felt of the mouthwash only lasted for 30 minutes. My throat got tight, but it was nothing major... nothing overly alarming.

Then I got home at about 5 or 6 a.m. and fell asleep by about 7:10 a.m. I slept for only 45 minutes before a new, unusual, alarming "ailment" woke me up. **Note: I may have had a similar event during 20 min of sleep before even heading to the ER, but I was not fully aware of what happened during my sleep that triggered the medical attack.

So, as for the medical event at 7:10 a.m., I really don't know if this was the same event as which I experienced before or if it was new and possibly from the medicine. Maybe the Amoxicillin was too strong of a dose for my body size.

This new symptom is extremely scary, and I'm not sure how to describe it fully, but I'll do my best:

I woke up with intense head pressure, but not my usual migraine or pressure that I have everyday. This was on top of it. And during this episode, I felt intense seizurish activity, but no seizure that was visible or even felt. No shaking. No staring type of seizure either. Electrical feeling. During this episode, I felt like my brain was very confused and disoriented (way worse than when you typically awaken). I felt like I was about to have a seizure, but I didn't. (I do get seizures regularly and oftentimes will get the warning.) But this was so different. It really didn't feel like a type of seizure. Anyway, it also felt like I was actively dying.... not to be confused with being afraid of dying. I was not panicked or afraid. It happened out of nowhere. I felt my brain like scrambling the electrical wires and trying to connect while the intense head pressure let up. The episode mostly resolved, until I went back to sleep for 1 second and it happened again. I woke up, took 20 seconds to recover, and went back to asleep... only to repeat again. I do have central sleep apnea, by the way. I feel like this is a mixture of some existing ailments, combined with a bad reaction to one of the medicines. I am now avoiding sleep because when I fall asleep I literally feel myself start to enter this most horrifying (for me) symptom.

I also need to mention I have an infection in a gland with tons of swelling (when I eat) that has spread to my head, ears, & neck.

Despite the infection, I don't currently feel feverish, weak, or the way one usually feels with an infection. (I did feel weak and feverish yesterday, though.) I only feel intense pain near the areas of the infection. I also do have a migraine with ear and eye pressure and hundreds of other symptoms that aren't new for me.

I feel the doctor was very negligent because he addressed no side effects of the medication, and he told me there were no further tests for my gland, which was a lie. He was confident that I had a tumor or stone— something blocking my salivary gland. He also kept walking away every time I tried to ask a question. I think he probably just had a lot of patients to tend to and maybe they were understaffed. I just felt like I was kind of left in the dark with all of these questions, and he felt really annoyed with me having to answer any of them let alone the 20 questions I had. They were actually relatively short questions. He cut me off when I 1st arrived as well and I never got to give him the full story. I spoke for 3 minutes straight and I was not allowed to really give the story.

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never-forget-viva-la-pluto · 6 months ago

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Trigger warning for animal death, blood, and kitten birth defects

Animals like cats or dog end up have as many as 7 babies and can give birth again in a few short months. Why? Bc they are a species that will average about 2 of each litter surviving to adulthood. For this reason it is not abnormal to have birth defects, still births, etc. And people will get upset if the kitten is put down bc it was born with fucked up nasal cavities, but they don't understand that a cats nasal cavities DONT WORK LIKE A HUMANS DOES. Cats with fucked up nasal passages can suffer many lung related issues their whole lives bc they are unable to eat properly bc their nasal passages don't allow them to ingest their mothers milk without also inhaling it. The cats that have these problems and do survive to adulthood have untreatable breathing problems and often suffer major complications for minor things like seasonal allergies. I know a cat like this that is about 6 years old and has and no vets have been able to find out why she sneezes blood all the time(she has been to the vet many times and she was adopted out with her owners knowledge that she has an unknown nasal passage issues and imaging was done to make sure she didn't get something stuck up there).

Bc of these issues she can't keep her tongue in her mouth and she has lost most of her teeth. Her owner was holding out as long as she could but this is an example of a cat who's quality of life drops significantly every year she has been alive. She had to be put down today at 8 years old bc her quality of life had just dropped so low and there was nothing the vets could do.

My cat had a brain tumor that gave her seizures until she couldn't move and the meds made her sick. I put her down at 13 because it was the kind thing to do and I encourage pet owners to listen to their vets when they say that an animal is not living a good life. The vet was right, I regret not doing it sooner, she was in pain for a long time before I knew it was time to say goodbye.

Most people cannot afford to take care of a disabled cat, thus it is kinder to put them down than subject them to a live full of a pain and suffering they can't understand.

I have asthma and nasal passage issues. Human beings have brain tumors and we don't put them down for the same reason we are trying to breed out small snouts in dogs: animals do not experience the socio-economics that humans do, thus eugenics are not something an animal can experience and the systems present withing eugenics that takes away the agency of living and thriving human beings is not present in the animal kingdom.

Animals are not Humans. They are creatures that deserve to be respected as the animal they are, not what humans project onto them.

yeaaaah, I saw that too.

it can be hard for people to understand that every species of animal has a unique set of physical and mental needs, and that (FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT) they should not be treated like human beings.

here's an example: when a horse breaks its leg, often the kindest thing you can do is euthanize it. that is because horses have lightweight bones that tend to shatter, rather than simply snap, and all those sharp pieces can sever blood vessels and nerves, which leads to tissue death. your average horse weighs 1,000 pounds. that amount of weight redistributed to 3 legs leads to pressure necrosis on the remaining hooves.

the reason the horse would require euthanasia isn't because it's life isn't the same as an able-bodied horse. it is because its leg would rot off and then its hooves would rot off and then it would die.

I currently have a broken leg, and will not be euthanized because I am a human being. if I had both legs amputated, I could still have a wonderful life, because I am a human being.

similarly, if my cat broke a leg, or had to have a limb amputation, that would be fine (well, not fine, but you get the idea) because she weighs 9lbs and could scurry about just fine as a tripod.

if you understand what an animal needs, you'll be better equipped to know when it has a fighting chance. you'll also know that sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is put it to rest.

#disability #animal death #animal disability #euthanasia #eugenics #blood #birth defects

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anxiovita123 · 11 hours ago

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Understanding and Managing a Sense of Impending Doom or Danger

Experiencing A sense of impending doom or danger is an unsettling feeling that can grip individuals with an overwhelming sense of dread or foreboding. This sensation often arises suddenly and can be accompanied by intense physical and emotional reactions. Although it may seem unprovoked, a sense of impending doom or danger can occur due to various psychological and physiological conditions, including anxiety disorders, panic attacks, heart conditions, and other medical issues. Understanding the root causes and effective coping strategies can empower individuals to regain a sense of control and improve their quality of life. Anxiovita is committed to helping those affected by these feelings to find relief and clarity.

What is a Sense of Impending Doom or Danger?

A sense of impending doom is the overwhelming feeling that something terrible is about to happen, even if there is no immediate, identifiable threat. This feeling often arises with symptoms of intense anxiety and can even present physical signs such as sweating, palpitations, rapid breathing, or a tightening chest. People who experience this sensation may find it challenging to rationalize, as it often lacks a clear cause or specific event to fear.

Some individuals describe it as “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” an expression that conveys the anxious anticipation of something going wrong. This sense of dread may occur intermittently or may come on abruptly, especially during high-stress periods. Understanding that this feeling can be a natural response to specific triggers or stressors may help reduce the distress it causes.

Common Causes of a Sense of Impending Doom

Experiencing a sense of impending doom can result from various factors, ranging from anxiety and panic disorders to physical health issues. Here are some of the most common causes:

Anxiety Disorders: Anxiety is one of the most common causes of a sense of impending doom. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often experience sudden bouts of dread and fear. The anticipation of something terrible happening, even without a rational basis, is a hallmark of anxiety-related disorders.

Panic Attacks: Panic attacks are intense episodes of fear that often involve physical symptoms like chest pain, rapid heart rate, sweating, and shaking. A sense of impending doom or feeling like “something bad is going to happen” is a common experience during panic attacks. Many people report fearing they might be dying, losing control, or going crazy, which intensifies the sense of doom.

Heart-Related Conditions: Conditions such as heart attacks or arrhythmias can produce a sense of impending doom. Many people experiencing a heart attack report a feeling of dread just before the physical symptoms become severe. This is thought to be the body's way of signaling a serious, life-threatening issue.

Hormonal Imbalances: Hormonal changes, especially related to adrenal and thyroid glands, can lead to sensations of fear and impending danger. For example, a spike in adrenaline can induce a fight-or-flight response, resulting in anxiety and dread. Similarly, thyroid imbalances, particularly hyperthyroidism, can trigger feelings of anxiety and doom.

Neurological Conditions: Certain neurological issues, such as epilepsy or brain tumors, may cause unusual emotional responses, including a sense of impending doom. This can sometimes serve as an “aura” or warning sign for seizures in individuals with epilepsy.

Medication Side Effects: Some medications, particularly stimulants, corticosteroids, and certain antidepressants, can induce anxiety-like side effects, including a sense of impending doom. It’s essential to consult a healthcare provider if these sensations arise after starting new medication.

Substance Withdrawal: Withdrawal from substances like alcohol, benzodiazepines, or narcotics can create intense physical and emotional symptoms. Many people experience anxiety, panic, and a sense of impending doom during withdrawal phases, as the body reacts to the absence of these substances.

Recognizing the Symptoms Accompanying a Sense of Impending Doom

The feeling of impending doom is often accompanied by other physical and emotional symptoms, which can help in recognizing and understanding the experience. Common symptoms include:

Physical Symptoms: Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, sweating, dizziness, chest pain, or nausea. These symptoms may mimic those of a heart attack, causing further anxiety.

Psychological Symptoms: Overwhelming fear, restlessness, racing thoughts, and an inability to concentrate on anything other than the feeling of dread.

Behavioral Symptoms: Avoiding situations, places, or activities that seem to trigger these feelings, or engaging in rituals to try to prevent something bad from happening.

Identifying these symptoms can be helpful in determining whether the sensation is related to an anxiety disorder, a physical condition, or another underlying cause.

The Link Between Anxiety and a Sense of Impending Doom

Anxiety and a sense of impending doom are closely connected, as anxiety often brings irrational fears or feelings of inevitable disaster. This response can stem from various factors, including past traumatic experiences, chronic stress, or genetic predisposition. In people with anxiety disorders, the body may react to even minor stressors as though they are significant threats.

During anxious moments, the body goes into “fight-or-flight” mode, releasing stress hormones that increase alertness and make the body more sensitive to potential threats. Unfortunately, this heightened sensitivity can lead to irrational fears or feelings of impending danger.

People who experience this sensation frequently due to anxiety may benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or other anxiety management techniques. CBT is particularly effective in helping individuals recognize and reframe irrational thoughts, which can reduce feelings of dread and improve their quality of life.

Strategies for Managing a Sense of Impending Doom

Living with a sense of impending doom can be challenging, but several techniques may help manage this feeling. Here are some methods that can provide relief:

Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing is a powerful way to reduce anxiety. Slow, deep breaths can activate the body’s relaxation response and help counteract the symptoms of a panic attack.

Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness can increase awareness and acceptance of current emotions without judgment. This can help decrease the intensity of negative emotions and alleviate the sense of impending doom.

Grounding Techniques: Grounding techniques help bring attention back to the present moment, which can reduce feelings of fear. Common grounding exercises include focusing on physical sensations, describing the environment, or using the “5-4-3-2-1” method (identify five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste).

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a well-researched therapeutic approach that focuses on challenging and changing unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. Working with a CBT therapist can be beneficial for individuals who experience frequent feelings of dread due to anxiety.

Physical Activity: Regular physical activity reduces stress hormones and increases endorphins, which can help improve mood and reduce anxiety. Exercise also distracts the mind from negative thoughts, providing relief from the sense of doom.

Adequate Sleep and Nutrition: Maintaining healthy sleep patterns and a balanced diet can help regulate mood and prevent stress. Sleep and nutrition are vital for overall mental health and resilience against anxiety.

Journaling: Writing down thoughts can help externalize fears and make them feel more manageable. Journaling allows individuals to track triggers and recognize patterns that contribute to their sense of impending doom.

Limit Stimulants: Reducing caffeine and sugar can help manage anxiety symptoms. These stimulants can increase heart rate and make the body more sensitive to stress, often amplifying feelings of dread or anxiety.

When to Seek Help

If you or someone you know experiences a persistent sense of impending doom or danger that affects daily life, it’s essential to seek help from a mental health professional or healthcare provider. This sensation may be part of a broader mental health issue, such as an anxiety disorder or panic disorder, which can be effectively managed with therapy, medication, or a combination of treatments. Medical conditions that may cause these feelings, like heart issues or neurological disorders, also warrant evaluation by a healthcare provider.

Anxiovita’s Support for Managing Feelings of Impending Doom

Anxiovita is dedicated to supporting individuals struggling with anxiety and related symptoms, including a sense of impending doom or danger. Our team offers resources and therapeutic approaches designed to help individuals regain control over their mental and emotional well-being. With an understanding and compassionate approach, we guide clients through personalized strategies for managing symptoms, reducing anxiety, and enhancing resilience.

Whether through one-on-one sessions, online resources, or tailored programs, Anxiovita is here to help individuals live with confidence and peace, free from the constant worry of impending danger. We believe that no one should have to face these feelings alone, and with the right support, overcoming them is possible.

Conclusion

A sense of impending doom or danger is a distressing feeling that can be rooted in anxiety, physical conditions, or other underlying issues. Recognizing the causes, symptoms, and strategies for managing these feelings is essential in regaining a sense of control. By implementing techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and seeking professional support, individuals can find relief from the overwhelming sensations of dread. Anxiovita provides a trusted resource for those dealing with these experiences, offering guidance and compassion to help them navigate life with confidence and clarity.

#A sense of impending doom or dange

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hennythejetsmith · 11 months ago

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Feelings 12/12.. I think?

My grandfather thought they were killing him. I'm not sure if this was before or after he attempted to wrap the cords around his own neck in the hospital; Oxy is never good. I wish I never knew how good they hurt recreationally... They removed a tumor from his brain & he's left by himself among a people that are paid to care for him at night.. they weren't there in line waiting at White Castle while he told a story from his childhood that fell on deaf ears because two boys from different worlds come together, their grandfathers happen to be brothers. i'm sure Uncle Thomas misses him. One day those gates will open & with open arms, he'll welcome my grandfather... later, rather than sooner...I just wish he could see how much he means to us; how much he means to me. Stay with us just a little bit longer. I'm not sure what it would do to your son, but that would be selfish of us. What is the right answer when it comes to death? Are we asking too much when we hold on? Who should bear the weight of the pain; those living with it, or those that will? One must imagine Sisyphus happy, I wonder if we all have a bit of Sisyphus in us; we know how the story concludes, right? The immutable end.

Old man winter; a lovely Ale & why this scarf is wrapped around my neck. The ephemeral is this: a glass pint glass reads "Absolut Vodka," fleeting thoughts of death as the second-hand ticks in the background of My Fellow Creatures by Carlos Cipa as she sleeps peacefully in the other room. I discussed the US opposing a ceasefire within the Gaza Strip the other day with a friend & despite its transience, I felt a life renewed. Angela Davis spoke on the importance of understanding the intersectionality of these movements in order for freedom to truly exist, without the comprehension of how all the oppressed intertwine, we can never reach our fullest potential & upend the structured inequality that has suppressed so many for so long. Palestine is integral to a free people across the world & this genocidal epoch will determine who we are as a humankind. it doesn't require much critical thought to decipher who is at fault...but whether we do what it right despite the pressures of the powers that be...that is what will define us going forward as a people.

I'm ranting, I know. This is the first time I've expressed myself in written form in so long though, so relaxing as I stare at the Albert Camus on the shelf. I swear i'm not pretentious or a prick; i'm more self-effacing if anything, but that feels completely opposite when I say it..

The state of Texas has gotten the case of Kate Cox incorrect on the supreme level & who is to fix this? Since the days of Adam & Eve, we understand the libidinous male, but this controlling agency, the need to police the Woman is quite disheartening..we have lost who we are & the hubris of Man will prove to be quite damning when it is all said & done, I feel. How many others will have to risk their lives before we revisit Roe v Wade & undo what should've never been done in the first place? Stripping a woman of her autonomy over her own body, but who am I but just a man...drinkin' beer, vodka, & whisky dancing around his own feelings. Are these even connected? Should they relate? I haven't cried in awhile, does that mean I will become great? I don't know, I just wanted to rhyme.

Donna Tartt has one of my favorite interviews. She just feels so confident in her speaking in spite of the interviewer, whats seems like at times, trying to talk over her. I really need to finish Secret History & The Goldfinch, however I'm reading The Condition of Postmodernity by David Harvey. Are Identity Politics the problem? I had a slew of questions with responses typed out but I figured I would delete them because who cares about any of that, right? We'd rather focus on the drunk chronicles. I should make a TikTok video, maybe my first & last one ever. Trigger Warning, but i'm not referring to unaliving.. but more so, I am not the TikTok type. I'm not going to make a video. Okay, you've said that already.

December; your melancholy eyes

& facaded smile

Your desire; April, but she's preoccupied with May

& the flowers she brings.

But I'll never leave you alone

I'd miss the sugar cookies, gingerbread homes.

Countless carols of words I barely even know.

My grandfather loves your songs

But I love & I'd miss him so much more

please give him hope to keep holding on.

#life #poetry #feelings #albert camus #vent #love #family #free write #journal

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atothejay90 · 11 months ago

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Feelings..I guess

December; your melancholy eyes

& facaded smile

Your desire; April, but she's preoccupied with May

& the flowers she brings.

But I'll never leave you alone

I'd miss the sugar cookies, gingerbread homes.

Countless carols of words I barely even know.

My grandfather loves your songs

But I love & I'd miss him so much more

please give him hope to keep holding on.

#books #life #journal #personal rant #love #poem #drunk blogging #A #feelings #family #death

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doctubehealthcare · 1 year ago

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Diagnosis and Treatment of Epilepsy

Epilepsy is a neurological disorder where a patient suffers from recurrent and unpredictable seizures. Seizures occur due to abnormal electrical activity in the brain, resulting in a temporary disruption of normal brain function. Epilepsy can affect people of all ages and can be caused by various factors, including genetic predisposition, brain injury, tumors, infections or developmental disorders. Seizures in epilepsy can manifest in different ways, depending on the area of the brain affected. They can range from brief lapses in awareness or staring spells to convulsions and loss of consciousness. Some seizures may be preceded by warning signs called auras, which can include visual disturbances, unusual sensations or emotional changes. The diagnosis of epilepsy is typically made after a person has experienced at least two unprovoked seizures. Medical professionals use a combination of clinical history, neurological exams and diagnostic tests such as electroencephalogram (EEG) to evaluate and diagnose epilepsy. It is important for people with epilepsy to work closely with healthcare professionals to develop an individualized epilepsy treatment plan and to take necessary precautions to minimize the risk of injury during seizures. With proper management and treatment of epilepsy, many individuals with epilepsy are able to lead active and fulfilling lives.

Diagnosis of Epilepsy

The diagnosis of epilepsy typically involves a comprehensive evaluation process conducted by medical professionals. Before initiating the treatment of epilepsy, the following methods are used to diagnose it effectively:

Medical history: The healthcare provider will begin by collecting a detailed medical history of the individual before starting relevant epilepsy treatment (Watanabe, E., Nagahori, Y. and Mayanagi, Y., 2002. Focus diagnosis of epilepsy using near‐infrared spectroscopy. Epilepsia, 43, pp.50-55). This includes information about the patient’s symptoms, the frequency and duration of seizures, any potential triggers, family history of seizures or epilepsy and any other relevant medical conditions.

Physical examination: A thorough physical examination will be conducted to look for any signs or symptoms that may be associated with epilepsy or other underlying medical conditions.

EEG: An EEG test is a crucial tool in diagnosing epilepsy. It involves placing electrodes on the scalp to record the electrical activity of the brain (Pillai, J. and Sperling, M.R., 2006. Interictal EEG and the diagnosis of epilepsy. Epilepsia, 47, pp.14-22). Abnormal patterns of brain waves known as epileptiform discharges can indicate the presence of epilepsy or seizure activity.

Additional tests: In some cases, additional tests may be ordered to gather more information and assist in the diagnosis. These can include brain imaging scans such as MRI or CT scans. These scans can help identify any structural abnormalities or lesions in the brain that may be causing the seizures.

Depending on the complexity of the case, individuals may be referred to a neurologist or an epileptologist, who are doctors specialized in the diagnosis and treatment of epilepsy.

Treatment of Epilepsy

The treatment of epilepsy aims to control seizures, reduce their frequency and severity, and improve the individual's quality of life. The specific treatment approach depends on various factors, including the type of seizures, the underlying cause of epilepsy, the individual's age, overall health, and their response to previous treatments. Here are some common treatment options for epilepsy:

Medications: Anti-epileptic drugs are usually the initial treatment of epilepsy. There are numerous AEDs available, and the recommended medication depends on the seizure type and individual factors. These medications work by stabilizing the electrical activity in the brain and reducing the likelihood of seizures. It is important to take the prescribed medication consistently and as directed by the healthcare provider.

Ketogenic Diet: This high-fat, low-carbohydrate and adequate-protein diet is known to be effective in reducing seizures, particularly in children suffering from epilepsy. It is typically supervised by a dietitian and requires careful monitoring.

Vagus Nerve Stimulation: VNS is a surgical treatment option that involves implanting a device under the skin of the chest that stimulates the vagus nerve (Binnie, C.D., 2000. Vagus nerve stimulation for epilepsy: a review. Seizure, 9(3), pp.161-169). This stimulation can help reduce the frequency and intensity of seizures in some individuals.

Responsive Neurostimulation: RNS is a newer treatment approach that involves the implantation of a device into the brain. The device detects abnormal brain activity and delivers electrical stimulation to prevent seizures from occurring.

Epilepsy Surgery: In cases where seizures are localized to a specific area of the brain, surgery may be the only option related to epilepsy treatment. The goal of epilepsy surgery is to remove or disconnect the brain tissue responsible for triggering seizures.

Lifestyle Modifications: Certain lifestyle changes may help manage epilepsy and reduce the risk of seizures. This comprises managing stress, following a good sleep schedule and avoiding seizure triggers like specific foods or alcohol and following medication schedules effectively.

#Treatment of Epilepsy #epilepsy treatment #epilepsy #health and wellness #healthcare information #health #doctube #healthcare

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the-tengu · 2 years ago

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Act I: Angel

Masterpost

Trigger Warnings: Body horror, self-harm, blood, gore

Story beneath the cut

It started with the cravings.

It was funny, actually. I suddenly had the urge to consume immense amounts of dairy. Cheeses I previously couldn’t stand the smell of I ate like I was starving. And yogurt was a delicacy.

Then came the protein cravings.

I ate so much meat that my family went vegetarian out of worry. I replaced those meats with nuts and beans. If it had protein, I was eating it.

Everyone figured it was just a weird thing for a growth spurt.

I suppose it was a kind of growth spurt, but it wasn’t because I was getting taller.

I was in school when the first incident happened. I was in the middle of a math exam that I was failing miserably.

I leaned back to crack my back, because being curled over a paper is less than comfortable.

The next thing I know I’m on the floor with the sound of my classmates screaming and the concerned face of my teacher hovering over me.

They took me to the hospital. I was tested over and over again.

Nothing showed up. No tumors, no brain issues, nothing. I was perfectly healthy. I was so healthy they were confused. Everyone has some bump or scratch or something, but I was perfectly fine.

The second time it happened, I was asleep.

I fell out of bed, screaming. I hurt. Like the worst muscle spasm you ever had, but it was concentrated to the entire length of your spine.

But the sounds were somehow the worst part.

Pop, pop, pop. My vertebrae jolting then locking then jolting out of place again. I was aware of my spinal cord, felt it being stretched and stretched.

This time I didn’t seize. I was awake for all 15 minutes of that absolute hell.

When I went to the doctors this time, something new appeared on the X-rays. My spine had managed to twist itself in a way that meant I shouldn’t be alive. But I was. And aside from that and the trauma of that quarter hour of pain, my body was a perfect specimen of health.

My parents consented to the hospital to keep me under observation. Nothing happened for a week, and then it happened again. This time it was longer and it hurt more. It felt like someone was pulling my spine apart. I could hear it cracking and shifting. They had to knock me out to keep me from writhing, but I still remember feeling the pain even while I was asleep.

When I came to, I was looking at confused doctors and my horrified parents, all staring at a screen from my latest scans. They had taken images from the day before the incident, as they did everyday. There hadn’t been any change.

The pictures from afterwards, however, were drastically different.

My spine looked like it had been redesigned. New vertebrae had formed in my spine, along with tiny bones that leached into my ribs, looking like support beams. But the big thing were the two new sets of bones that appeared between my shoulder blades and my spine. Two bones locked into a joint on either side, with slim filaments of cartilage sprouting from them.

***

They started to grow steadily after that. No more spasms, no more sudden bouts of pain. Now it was a constant, dull agony.

As the days went by, the scans showed the masses were starting to get bigger. In turn, the skin on my back started to bruise, then pale when they pressed up against my skin, making my skin go taut and painfully itchy.

They told me not to scratch it, that I would just inflame everything, as if my back being inflamed was the worst of my problems when I had two “masses” ready to burst out of my body.

At one point, the itching annoyed the doctors enough to handcuff me. They didn’t want me to contaminate their experiment.

I don’t think they realized how desperate I was.

I went into a bathroom and dragged my back against an edge, until I was bleeding everywhere. I didn’t care, I just needed the itching to stop.

They were banging on the doors, demanding I unlock it for them, then calling security to break it down.

Too late.

My skin and muscle finally gave way and the new bones and sinew attached to the masses fell out of me in an ungraceful mess of blood and other bodily stuff.

They found me on the floor crying with the two lumps of meat and bone splayed out behind me, attached to my back.

#becoming (mortal gods)#mortal gods #short story #original work #angels #wings #tw body horror #tw self harm #tw blood #tw gore

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eurodeal · 2 years ago

Text

Warning of

remote:

Interventions in body and

brain functions and

the

publicizing the consequences of these

interventions are (contagious)

diseases, natural

weaknesses, special talents

the passing on of family

peculiarities to the children

The attackers have as a foundation the

intensive surveillance of whole

populations and the remote jamming

the bodies and brains and also brain radio. that

by the attacked as their own thoughts,

images, intelligence, dreams

perceived. The attacked

act according to it and not on their own. Thus could

the attackers many 100 to 1000 years ago into

sneak into all countries. Beside their

remotely made striking/ provocative,

sometimes seeming capable target persons

the attackers are not seen. The

attackers make a high number of persons

not only ill, inconspicuous and conspicuous

handicapped and weak and unnatural, they control many

control many people from infancy to the end of

to the end of life completely remotely and even

short-term target persons are reactive to

remotely triggered emotions,

body harassment, brain radio. Many individuals,

who are reactive to brain radio and hostile remotely

triggered body and brain dysfunctions occupy important

disorders occupy important professional

professional positions and help with

to make false knowledge known. Without

remote attacks, expansion of the

would not have been necessary.

Brain infarctions, heart problems, tumors,

respiratory problems, balance disorders,

vision loss, temperature change,

paralysis (seconds or longer), everything that is written

written in books for doctors, the attackers remotely

Attackers remotely controlled in tens of people.

With remote attacks the laughing,

crying, sexual excitement, the attackers could

the attackers fabricate a lot of damage.

...I do not give my consent for

research on my brain and body after my

after the end of my life and before the

end of life. Closer viewing of my body

and brain/brain and body scans are not desired by me

not desired, are against my will.

Taking parts of my body and brain

to see more closely and for donations is against

will. I involuntarily served

persons/enemies for remotely

brain research in combination with

with person remote control exercises (also goal

Imprinting personality). In addition

enemies with pictures of me as a 13 year old their

worldwide film industry (which should seem free and

open) to deceive the viewers of these pictures (also because

deceive (also because I look completely different than

own families and children of the attackers, to the

attackers interested like

interventions in the bodies

many targets bodies and

attacker

found

"tion disorders geindor

s light hair

bst triggered

alschen

sponsor shadows for gestüchtele

children and teenagers

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moondancediner · 3 years ago

Text

Sunflower

Chapter 1: Coming Home

updated: 3/19/2024

Masterlist

Warnings: Mentions of death, brain tumor trigger warning

Pairing: Emmett Cullen x OC Elizabeth Swan

Word Count: 6,522

A/N: Does anyone even care about Twilight anymore?

Anyway, I kinda snapped on this, so let me know if you even like it cause I will write more. I don't have this series finished or even outlined but Emmett Cullen has and always will be my number one. Also, this fic has been sitting in my WIP folder for so long I decided to let her see the sun for once.

Also, Rosalie Hale does not exist in this series and nothing has changed because of it.

Life’s trials will test you, and shape you, but don’t let them change who you are - Aaron Lauritsen

—-

Pain.

It’s such a small word that encompasses so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

How can a word bring back memories?

How can a word make you feel forgotten emotions?

It’s all-consuming… pain is. Parent’s try to avoid it, try to shelter their children from it for as long as they can. Well, the good one’s do, anyway.

But that’s the thing about pain, isn’t it? It’s unavoidable.

A bleeding knee after a fall to the concrete sidewalk, the loss of a childhood pet, a debilitating headache that seems to last forever, that first heartbreak.

Your sister getting married and not telling you.

That last one was more disappointment, but Elizabeth supposed she couldn’t expect much from someone she barely saw anymore.

Bella was a model big sister her whole life. She mothered when it was needed, she was a friend, a tutor, a free ride, and a confidant. Bella always did what was best for others, while Ellie was given the luxury of getting to choose herself, and she usually did. She didn’t see a reason not to.

The ivory invitation came in the mail on an average Tuesday, something so extravagant looking on such a bland day. Ellie opened it up, trying to find a semblance of happiness or joy for her eighteen year old sister, but all she could catch onto was disappointment. And a touch of anger.

She turned, walking back into her Florida home, and dropped the invitation onto the kitchen table before taking her seat and finishing her breakfast. Phil picked it up, still finishing his morning coffee, and called out to her mom, the sound was muddled and fuzzy to her ears. A sign of another headache coming on.

Brain tumors were no joke.

Elizabeth supposed she was being petty about her morals. Not telling your sister about your impending death was way worse than not telling your sister about your engagement, or including her in any of the wedding planning. But Ellie knew she would be ruining her sister’s life. Her overprotective older sister would drop everything to come save her, but there was nothing left to save, and she had come to terms with that. And besides, she guessed the moment Edward walked through those doors a few months prior that an engagement was on the horizon.

Renee fought hard for a while, and Ellie let her, she supposed she didn’t want to accept the facts at the time, but after a dozen doctors and countless road trips and phone calls, Elizabeth and her family were forced to accept her fate, death was imminent. Her life expectancy was cut down from years to months.

Death came around eventually, for everyone, it would wrap its boney fingers around everyone’s string of fate and pull you to the depths. Some just sooner than others. And there was nothing anybody could do about it. Ellie had accepted that, she found a strange calm in death, a peacefulness that she had never experienced before. Everyone thought she was nuts.

Maybe it was the tumor talking.

Her family had not accepted her choices at all, and she was still a minor so the constant doctor’s trips lasted for a long time until she finally put her stubborn foot down, demanding that she did not want any more extreme measures taken. Her mom fought her, hard, but Ellie fought back, insisting that it was her life and she was allowed to live it how she wanted. Renee’s “hippie” way of mothering bit her on the ass on that one.

“Ell?” Elizabeth’s eyes focused on her mothers worried face. “You okay?” Ellie could tell she was concerned, but her mom tried to hide it as best she could. Ellie took a deep breath, smiling at her mom to let her know she was okay.

“How long was I out?” She asked, the room coming back into blurring clarity.

“Only a few seconds, but it seems to be happening more often.” Renee rubbed her daughter’s cheeks with her thumbs, soothing any residual worry away.

Ellie started getting absent seizures about a month ago, - a side effect of the mass currently renting out space in her cranium - she would zone out but not remember anything while they were happening.

“You need to tell her,” Renee chastised, standing up from her crouching position in front of her daughter, making her way into the kitchen for another fill up.

“I’ll do it after the wedding.” Ellie responded. At first the argument was after she got an official diagnosis, then after they tried some radiation, then after the side effects wore off, then after Bella’s graduation. The two of them have had this conversation multiple times, Ellie didn’t want to ruin her sister’s life, her sister who had just gotten her shit together, found someone she loves, and is now getting married. She would move back to Florida to take care of her helpless little sister, and throw her life away. Ellie couldn’t live with that on her conscience, not along with all the other baggage she was carrying.

“She’s leaving for her honeymoon right after, you won’t get a chance.” Renee was now angrily washing dishes, throwing things in the sudsy water, sending bubbles up in the air around her.

“I’m not going to ruin her wedding, mom.” Elizabeth answered, annoyed now.

“Well, I’m buying you a plane ticket to go early so you can spend some time with her, you’re not going to be able to keep it a secret… and your dad is certainly not going to be able to keep it quiet.”

Poor Charlie. Ellie loved her dad, he really was the best, and she loved going up to spend summers with him, but she had friends and a life down in Arizona - and now Florida -, and when Bella went to live with their dad full time, Ellie chose to stay home, her best friend at the time lived next door and her mom was content on checking in and letting El stay with them while her and Phil traveled around. When they picked a more permanent spot in Florida, Ellie was happy to make the move to the sunshine state.

It took Charlie a bit of time to understand why she didn’t want to move up north, but he came around eventually and they talked on the phone constantly, especially when Bella was going through her depression after Edward left. The bastard.

“Why am I going early!?” She was yelling now, something she never used to do to her mother. The rage was new and appeared at the drop of a hat - literally one time she was set into a rage after dropping a hat. It was tough to cope with and Renee loved to compare it to her postpartum rage she had after she had both Bella and Ellie, which did not help Ellie’s rage at all. It felt like a slap in the face to compare Renee’s giving life to that of the one currently being taken away.

“So you can spend your birthday with your dad, he’s really excited about it so you can’t cancel.” Renee responded, matter-of-factly. She threw the dish towel down and stormed out of the room, not willing to finish this argument.

Elizabeth took a few deep breaths, closing her eyes and trying to calm the rage building inside of her. It was even harder to calm herself when she realized that meant her parents had been scheming behind her back. She hated when they made decisions for her without talking to her first.

“She’s right, you know.” Phil said from over the newspaper in his hands. Ellie combed both hands through her dirty blonde hair, calming her rage. She always found it hard to be mad at Phil, he was just always so nice and calm.

“I know.” She replied plainly. She knew it was the right thing to do, everyone knew about her tumor except Bella. She asked her own father to keep it a secret and she knew her older sister was going to be mad at everyone else for not telling her instead of being angry at Ellie for making them keep the secret in the first place.

----

Ellie begrudgingly made her way through the airport, the flight she just got off of was way too long and stuffy - when did they stop running the air before people boarded the flight? - and her mom had tipped off the flight attendants somehow so they checked on her every 15 minutes like clockwork.

She didn’t have any issues on the flight, her episodes only really occurred when she was tired - which was pretty much all the time now - but she felt strangely refreshed today. Must be something with the new meds.

She made her way outside, looking for the familiar red truck in the waiting docks, but when no such truck was spotted, Ellie got a little worried - her sister was never late. She dug her phone out and began dialing her sister’s phone number when a horn honked, startling her slightly and drawing her attention to a few feet in front of where she stood, where a familiar figure was getting out of a black Mercades.

“Bella?” Ellie slowly made her way over to the car, where her sister was opening the trunk for her to put her bag into. When Ellie reached the car she heaved her bag into it and turned to her sister, who looked uncomfortable, but otherwise exactly the same as a year ago. Bella went in for a hug, noticing that her little sister felt skinnier, but didn’t want to comment on the fact for fear of bringing up an unnecessary fight.

“It’s weird, right?” Bella asked, still hugging her sister.

“So weird,” Ellie laughed. The younger of the two pulled back first, avoiding eye contact and making her way over to the passenger’s side door. The door was heavy, and Ellie really had to put her body weight behind it to get it open.

“It was an engagement gift from Edward.” Bella stated, putting the car in drive and taking off towards home.

“A brand new car as an engagement gift?” Ellie questioned, looking around at the expensive interior. There was no way this car would cost less than $100k. “Is Emmett still single?” They laughed at her joke - though, both knew it was a more serious question than the younger one wanted to admit -, and El noted that even in a car that was meant to go fast, her sister still obeyed all traffic laws to a T. Elizabeth was sure that if she got behind the wheel she would waste no time getting this thing to 100mph.

“So… got anything planned for the week before the big day?” She asked after a few minutes of silence. She was used to her sister’s quiet demeanor, but her nerves were on edge.

“Um, no, not really, Edward’s going camping with his brothers but I don’t have anything planned.” She admitted. Ellie really shouldn’t have been shocked by this, her sister was a homebody by nature, but last time she was here Bella had friends and seemed to be branching out a bit, even if it was just Alice.

“No Bachelorette party?” Ellie asked, now fidgeting with the buttons on the center console.

“God no,” her older sister laughed, clearly uncomfortable with the idea. “Alice tried to plan something but I told her no.”

Ellie laughed at that, “How in the world did you tell Alice no? That’s like asking a shark to walk on land.” They both laughed at the statement, Alice was a force to be reckoned with, which is one of the reasons Ellie liked her so much. She had always liked the Cullens, she met Edward after Bella’s accident last year, and decided pretty quickly that she was not the biggest fan of her big sister’s boyfriend. Edward was always nice and polite, sure, but he seemed to always be hurting her more than helping her - at least from the stories that Ellie was being told.

She met the rest of the Cullen clan soon after, on her next visit to see her dad and sister, and was quickly - forcibly - integrated into their family. Alice was chatty and sweet and always giving her clothes she insisted she purchased in the wrong size or color, though Ellie picked up pretty quickly that Alice simply did not make mistakes. Her partner, Jasper, was quiet and a little off putting, but never gave her any reason not to like him. Esme and Carlisle were as nice as it got, always going above and beyond to make sure Ellie was comfortable in their home and always making sure she had something to eat or drink at all times. Ellie found their home to be more like a museum than a home, so immaculately designed and polished, it looked more like a model home, like those HGTV homes of the year that you could enter a contest and win. It never seemed to her like four teenagers lived there.

She met Emmett last. He was just returning from a camping trip with Jasper, who she had met a couple days before when he and Alice came over to talk with Bella about something she couldn’t remember now. She heard Emmett before she saw him, his booming laugh surrounded and washed over her like a warm breeze. He walked through the front door and looked at her immediately. Ellie didn’t think she would ever forget how golden his eyes were that day.

“I had to compromise, she’s planning the entire wedding.” Bella explained, pulling her out of the memory.

“That makes sense.” Ellie responded, nodding her head.

“We do have to go there before we go home, Alice needs to fit you for your dress.” Bella said, keeping her eyes on the road ahead of her, hands always at a solid 10 and 2. The idea of going to the Cullen’s house before going to Charlie’s made her a little uneasy, she thought about how she was going to tell her sister about her tumor and wanted to have her dad there as backup - but she also wanted to do it as soon as possible, because the guilt was eating at her a lot quicker than she thought it would be.

“Oh, fun.” Ellie hoped Bella couldn’t sense the anxiety and hesitation in her voice.

----

When they finally arrived at the Cullen’s McMansion in the woods, Ellie was feeling the tolls of travel. Her vision was blurring a little around the edges and she was tired from being up so early that morning to catch her flight. She did a mental check when she saw the time, she would have to take her meds soon, which was going to raise questions from her sister. It wasn’t even like it was one pill either, it was a good handful.

They walked up to the front door together, where Alice was already waiting for them, with a welcoming smile. Ellie smiled back, forgetting about her fatigue and becoming excited to see the Cullen’s again.

“Ellie! It’s so good to see you again.” Alice said, pulling the younger Swan in for a brief hug, Ellie flinched for a second, always forgetting how cold and solid she was. “I can’t wait for you to see your dress!” Alice immediately started pulling Ellie into the house, never letting go of her one hand, not even giving her a chance to get reacquainted with her surroundings, making her a little dizzy, but Alice kept on moving, probably not even noticing her slight wobble.

They made it to one of the rooms adjacent to the kitchen where Alice had a pedestal, a coat rack, and mirrors for her fitting. Alice quickly moved to the rack, immediately pulling out a dress and putting it in Ellie’s hands. “Bathroom’s right through that door, go get changed, oh and make sure you take everything off.” Alice winked a little, her golden eyes sparkling a little more than usual.

“Everything?” Ellie questioned, wondering why on earth she would need to take her underwear off for a dress fitting.

“Yes, everything.” Alice rolled her eyes a little, shoving her towards the bathroom door. Elizabeth rolled her eyes right back, but walked into the bathroom anyway.

When she got into the spacious room, she took a second to gather herself, taking a deep breath, steadying her hands on the counter, and looking at herself in the ornate mirror. Her dark blue eyes were sunken, and dull, her skin was paler than it had ever been, even though she spent most of her spare time laying in the sun trying to regain some color and energy. Her hair lacked the luster it normally had, now just laid like a flat mop on her head no matter how much extra product she put in it. The small amount of chemo and radiation that she tried to get through thinned out her body and her hair and Ellie was still attempting to regrow it, though her attempts seemed futile. She looked in the mirror and didn’t see herself anymore. She saw a shell of a human, a leech who latched onto anything alive and took dragging pulls just to live another day.

She stripped down, noting how her rib cage was starting to show through her skin. Her appetite had taken a hard turn once she started taking all the medications, and the amount of weight she lost from the chemo would probably never get a chance to come back. She took off her bra and then grabbed the dress off the toilet, turning away from the mirror so she didn’t have to look at her body anymore. Once she had the dress on she turned again, admiring the low cut, form fitted lilac dress. The back was completely open, held together only by a set of strings that would need to be laced through like a corset. She quickly realized why underwear would be a problem in this, its thin silk fabric would not allow any secrets to be hidden. Her heart raced slightly at the thought of everyone at Bella’s wedding being able to see how skinny she was getting.

Ellie thought briefly about ditching the whole thing. Dropping the dress, getting dressed, and just walking out the door. Bella was with Edward somewhere - she had ditched her as soon as they walked through the door - so it would take her a while to even realize she was gone. And maybe she could stop Alice from saying anything, she could just lie and say she needed some fresh air. The way to Charlie’s is just a straight walk down one road, albeit a long road and someone would probably find her before she reached her final destination but she could come up with a different excuse by the time someone reached her.

“Everything okay?” Alice knocked on the door, startling Ellie. “Don’t worry about tying up the back, I’ll do it when you get out here.” Well, there goes her plan. Ellie took a half a second to compose herself and dropped her thong before she could second guess herself, then gathered up the bottom of the dress and made her way out of the lavish bathroom. She stepped out of the room, and went straight to the podium.

Alice started working immediately and Ellie tried not to look at herself in the mirrors in front of her. Alice was talking a million miles a minute, but Ellie wasn’t listening. She felt a pressure behind her eyes and closed them for a second to try and push the pain down, and the sinking feeling that what she knew was about to happen, would happen.

Elizabeth heard someone call her name before she passed out.

-----

Ellie knew exactly where she was when she woke up. She could hear the beeping of the monitors before she opened her eyes and the unmistakable smell of the hospital immediately dried out her throat. She opened her eyes, looking around to hopefully see her dad, but all she saw was Bella standing at her doorway, talking to someone she couldn’t see.

“Bells?” Her voice was coarse and she could feel the oxygen tubes in her nostrils, drying out her throat and nose more. She ripped them out, attempting to sit up, but Bella reached her before she could, placing the oxygen back in her nose and pushing her back down to the bed. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s on his way.” She paused for a second, taking a seat at the chair next to her bed. There was a pregnant pause and Ellie tried to look anywhere but at her sister. “How long have you known?” Bella whispered, looking at her hands in her lap, fidgeting them around each other.

“Since May.” Elizabeth replied, voice still hoarse and scratchy.

“That’s why you didn’t come to visit this summer.” It wasn’t a question, Ellie knew Bella was just putting the pieces together now.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” She was crying now, the guilt and pressure finally releasing and removing a small amount of the weight on her shoulders. Bella sniffled, and took a breath, trying to compose herself. The last thing she wanted to do was yell at her little sister for something so out of anyone’s control, but she felt so confused and hurt that her sister and mom would keep such a secret from her.

“Does dad know?” Ellie just nodded in response, not trusting her voice enough to actually answer. “Does everyone but me know?” Bella was getting a little louder now, the tone in her voice shifted quickly and Ellie flinched unwillingly.

“Bella-“

“Hey,” Charlie walked in then, interrupting Ellie’s train of thought that honestly wasn’t going anywhere to begin with. “Sorry, I got here as fast as I could.”

“It’s okay dad, can you just get me out of here?” Ellie asked, her saving grace finally arriving to set her free from this hell hole.

“Get out of here?” Bella asked, looking to Charlie for some confirmation that her little sister hadn’t just completely lost her marbles.

“Yeah, Bella I’m not staying here I’m going home.” Ellie explained, getting agitated.

“You can’t go home you need help, Carlisle said if you go home you’ll die-”

“I’m not staying here!” Ellie exploded, cutting off her older sister. She didn’t look to see the hurt that she knew was in Bella’s or her dad’s eyes, that was too much to bear. It was then that Carlisle walked in, clipboard in hand, looking as handsome as ever.

“I’m sure you already know what I’m about to tell you.” He said, looking right at her.

“Grade four gliosarcoma, extremely rare and even more rare in people my age, inoperable, a 12 to 18 month life expectancy depending on how fast the tumor grows. If it grows outside of my skull - which with how fast my symptoms are progressing it most likely will - then I’ve got maybe four months. Even with surgery. Did I get all that right Doc?” Ellie looked at Carlisle while she talked but she was really talking to Bella. And maybe even her dad, he had never heard all this from her before - only from Renee and she’s a bit scatterbrained on a good day. “If you want I can have my mom call my doctor in Arizona and have them send over all my files and scans, but it’s probably pointless. I know I’m getting worse, sometimes I can’t hold a fork anymore.” Ellie hated how blunt she was being but she couldn’t find it in her to actually stop. She had heard the same shit over and over again from every doctor who claimed they knew what they were doing and that they were the best there’s ever been but none of them are and none of them will be.

“Dad, you can’t let her do this.” Bella pleaded, looking for any way to save her baby sister from making a mistake.

“She’s made up her mind, Bells, we’ve been through this with her already.” The chief sighed, hands on his hips, jaw tense and set.

“This is insane, Carlisle, tell me there’s something you can do.” Bella looked to the doctor now, but Ellie swore she saw a little more in her eyes, like she was really asking for something else. Carlisle only shook his head, solidifying what Ellie already knew.

“Charlie, if you’re okay with it I’ll go get her discharge papers.” Dr. Cullen walked out after the chief gave him a quick, curt nod, and Bella took off quickly after him, probably to berate him into doing what she asked. Charlie paused for a second, walking over to his daughter and giving her a kiss on the head before following the doctor out of the room and down the hall.

Ellie was only alone for a few seconds when a broad shouldered giant walked into her room.

“Hey stranger,” Emmett greeted, walking in and going straight for the chair Bella had just occupied.

“Hey Em,” Ellie smiled, suddenly very conscious of the cannula still stuck in her nose and about how terrible her hair must look right now. She pulled the cannula out, tired of how it was drying out her nose and throat. Emmett reached over her, helping her so the tubes wouldn’t get caught in her now short honey hair.

“You cut your hair.” Emmett commented, and Ellie was just grateful that he wasn’t talking about where they were right now.

“Yeah, it started thinning out so I decided to go a little shorter.” She had actually cut about half of it off, and since then it had grown out right past her shoulders. Emmett stared at her for a few more seconds before making up his mind and standing up. “Where are you going?” She asked, alerted that he was leaving after just getting here.

“You don’t wanna be here, and I hate the smell of hospitals so let’s go,” he walked over to her left side, where he gingerly pulled the IV needle out of her arm, barely leaving a drop of blood in its wake. She smiled up at him and took his outstretched hand, where he carefully pulled her out of the hospital bed. “Bella brought your clothes, they’re in the bathroom.” He winked and she scurried off to the door nearest to her - making sure to pinch off the back of her gown - grinning ear to ear and finding all the clothes she was wearing earlier neatly folded on the nurses cart next to the sink. Bra and underwear included.

Ellie quickly got changed, slipping on her shoes as she stumbled out the door.

“Come on.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room, she honestly had no idea where she was going but also knew that Emmett would guide her if she went the wrong way. It always shocked her how cold Emmett was, even after encountering Alice earlier that day, it still made her worry about their circulation - she also supposed that the fact that they always had every available window open in their house didn’t help.

When they arrived outside Ellie immediately spotted Emmett’s jeep, in all its glory and headed straight for it, opening the passenger door that was always unlocked. She climbed in and Emmett shut her door behind her once she was settled before walking over to the driver's side.

They didn’t talk and Emmett just drove and she just loved him for this.

Ellie had no idea where he was driving, and she didn’t care.

Emmett was always her favorite Cullen. They always seemed to have some kind of unspoken bond, always comfortable around each other and he never treated her like Bella’s little sister. Ell loved Alice and Jasper - when he wasn’t being so painfully quiet - and Carlisle and Esme always treated her like a part of the family, but underneath it all she always felt like she was just Bella’s annoying little sister who was tolerated, not wanted. Especially surrounding her relationship with Edward.

He was always cordial and never rude or disrespectful to her but there was something off about him - really the whole family, she just couldn’t put her finger on it - but around him it was all Bella all the time.

That’s how Emmett made her feel. Like he cared about her and only her. She thought about moving up to Forks but Emmett had graduated high school and was going off to college so he was only home for the summers, just like her.

He was adventurous which she craved, and funny in a way that she always had a smile on her face when he was around. He didn’t like going to the beach though, and that always bummed her out. Any time the weather got good he and his brothers would go out camping, a trip she was desperate to join in on one day but was always denied because of the dangers of the Washington forests, something she apparently needed to take a class on.

But he would always come swing by Charlie’s as soon as he got back and would pick her up to go driving around.

He provided a comfort, a sense of calm she only ever experienced from her dad. But he was also light and jovial in a child-like way and she loved that he didn’t take life so seriously.

When the Jeep stopped Ellie looked up and realized they were in a large open field, which might have been pretty if everything wasn’t the same shade of green and the sun was out.

Emmett put the car in park and looked over to Ellie.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked.

“Are you gonna try and change my mind?” Ellie asked, looking ahead and not at him.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Man, she had a crush on him.

“I wanted to do so much.” She began, still looking straight ahead out of the windshield. “I wanted to go to other countries and explore more than three states my entire life, and learn about new cultures, get married, have kids… and it all got taken away from me, Em.” Emmett didn’t respond, he just reached over and placed a large hand over her smaller one. “I accepted it though, you know? I guess that’s part of the reason why I didn’t want to tell Bella, because I knew she would try and fix it, instead of just enjoying whatever amount of time together that we have left.”

“It’s hard.” He finally said after what felt like an hour of silence.

“I feel so morbid about it.” Ellie laughed a little, “I’ve completely accepted my death, and now I’m asking everyone who loves me to do the same.” She paused again, collecting her thoughts and feelings for a second longer. “I get it, I shouldn’t be asking people to accept my death and move on with their lives… it feels like I’m planning my own suicide and telling everyone about it… but I can’t go through all of that pain for a couple extra months just so everyone can be more comfortable… just because it’s what everyone else does, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.”

Emmett didn’t respond for a while, clearly having some kind of internal debate that Ellie was sure she didn’t want to hear. Everyone had to come to terms with her decisions on their own time, but she was not about to compromise her comfort and her life just so everyone around her could be more comfortable. She’s the one dying, nobody gets to make decisions for her anymore.

“What if I could fix it?” He finally said.

“Em-”

“No, really, what if I could fix it?”

“How?” Ellie asked, feeling a little hurt by the tiny ping of hopefulness she felt in her chest at his confident tone. He hesitated again, and Ellie could tell he wasn’t sure what to say exactly.

Before he could respond, though, his phone started ringing in his pocket, Ellie couldn’t see who it was but by the look on Emmett’s face it was probably a sibling of his. He removed his cold hand from the top of hers, and Ell felt a strange moment of detachment.

“Yeah?” His voice was quiet, and irritated and she could tell that he didn’t really want her to hear what was about to be said. “I need to.” was the next thing she heard him say - a strange thing to say if you asked her. “What did Alice say?” Okay, so he wasn’t talking to Alice. Ellie didn’t hear the ending of their conversation because even though they were in such close proximity he talked too low and too quick for her, apparently, slow brain to understand. Without another word Emmett put the Jeep in drive and started driving into the woods, presumably in the direction they came from but Ellie couldn’t remember.

“Where are we going?” A question Ellie normally wouldn’t ask him, but she was getting a little concerned.

“Have you ever noticed something different about us?” He asked, completely ignoring her question and instead posing his own.

“Different how?” She asked. She grabbed onto the oh shit handles when Emmett hit a particularly big rock at a not safe speed, and almost had to yell to hear herself talking over the loud engine.

“Me, my family, have you ever noticed anything about us that feels different?” Ellie thought about it for a minute. Of course she noticed stuff about them. They were cold, and their skin was hard as a rock, and she often thought about how she’s never seen any of them in sunlight, and they either had very strict beauty routines or they all looked exactly the same every time she saw them. Even over the years they never changed, they all looked the same and never seemed to age. And their eyes, such a strange shade of gold that they all seemed to share despite not being related. They were inviting to be around, but something in her always tried to tell her to run, get to safety and away from these strangely beautiful creatures.

But she would never say any of that. None of that was alarming or life changing information. It was just how they were. She had asked Bella about it after the first summer she was there, and her big sister explained all of these questions away, so Ellie never felt the need to bring them up again.

“You know.” Emmett said, breaking her out of her thought bubble.

“Why did you leave?” Was the only thing she could think to ask. Her sister’s depression was one of the hardest times in her life - and they never offered an explanation. They were just here one day and gone the next, and after all the drama of Bella traveling to Italy to retrieve her lover, everything just went back to normal - everyone just acted like nothing ever happened.

“Edward didn’t think it was safe for Bella.” Safe? Why would Bella be unsafe with Edward? None of this was adding up or making sense and her head hurt and all she wanted to do now was take a nap.

Emmett always drove fast but they arrived at Charlie's house in record time. Bella’s fancy new car wasn’t in the driveway and neither was her dad’s cruiser, which made Ellie believe they weren’t gone as long as she thought.

They sat in silence for a minute longer, and she tried to gather her thoughts. “What’s going on Em?” She asked quietly, keeping her eyes forward. Everything that just happened confused her more than she wanted to think about right now. What was he talking about? Why would he ask her something to get her hopes up and then completely change the subject?

“Talk to Bella when she gets home,” He reached his hand over again, finding hers in the small space and she looked over at him, meeting his golden eyes. She trusted him, she never had a reason not to - and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t slightly in love with him. But she knew he didn’t feel the same way, he only viewed her as a friend, because who would go years without saying something to someone you liked?

“Fine.” She sighed, pulling away from him, opening up the car door and dropping out, but stayed holding onto the door until she gained her own balance.

She walked inside without a second thought, or a glance behind her. Her emotions were all over the place and she felt like crap. She often forgot she had a brain tumor - as hard as that was - but it reminded her of its presence any time she forgot. She went straight upstairs, and into her room that her 12-year-old self had decorated what felt like forever ago. The walls were a light shade of pink that matched the comforter on her twin bed, which looked like the most inviting surface on the planet right now. She plopped face down into her pillows, noting that her backpack and suitcase had made their way into her room.

Ell rolled over onto her side so she could breathe, and started thinking about what Emmett said. The whole conversation was weird - and Emmett never made her feel weird or uncomfortable before. They had also never talked about such a morbid topic before. But why would he get her hopes up like that? Ellie knew there was no hope, she had been living the past couple months of her life like there was no hope, because that’s what she had come to accept. And now he was going to act like he could just fix everything? Just like that.

What made it worse was that Emmett had never lied to her before - not that she knew of anyway - so why would he lie to her about something like this? Why would he say he could fix the unfixable with such certainty and then all in the same breath change the subject to his family and just drop her off at home to figure out her life for herself. It all made no sense and Ellie was almost 99% certain that she was going crazy and this wasn’t her real life at all - maybe she was just in some kind of fever dream coma that the tumor had put her in.

Dumbass tumor. Ruining everything.

Hell, maybe if this was a fever dream she could finally just live her life. Disappear to another country and live out the rest of her days exploring places she’s always wanted to see. Live a life she’s always wanted to live.

But she wasn’t fully convinced she was living a coma dream right now. Not yet anyway.

And what the hell was Emmett talking about? Did she notice anything different about him and his family? Yeah, of course, where does one even start on that topic? Gold eyes that get lighter and darker, pale white almost identical skin tones, cold lifeless skin. Emmett could drive without even looking at the road, she had seen him do it multiple times and it freaked her the fuck out, but he also seemed like he was so in control nothing could possibly ever happen to him.

Emmett was also very… careful, especially around her. He took almost a gentle approach if he ever touched her, like he was afraid he could break her.

Ellie was intuitive, she could pick up on people’s emotions fairly quickly, and thought herself to be somewhat of an emotional chameleon. She could match people’s moods, and often fed off of them, so of course she noticed something off about all the Cullen’s when she met them, but she chalked it up to the fact that they were all adopted, which she figured came with it’s fair share of emotional baggage that could make people seem a bit weird and off-putting.

Then there was another part of them that seemed… inhuman. The thought made her second guess everything. There was no way they could be anything but human, what the hell else could they possibly be.

That old story of the wolves and cold ones that she heard as a child came to the forefront of her mind just then. Billy Black would tell scary campfire stories at the beach over the summers about men who could transform into wolves to protect their tribe from the cold ones who threatened their way of life.

But they were just that. Stories. Childhood fables meant to keep the kids out of the woods.

Right?

—-

CHAPTER 2->

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These characters, with the exception of Elizabeth Swan, aren’t mine but this fanfiction is.

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