#trauma responses cw

[noblevicartstudio08]

The Point of No Return.

After failing to assassinate The Lady of The Underground, Allison confronts the truth of why she's here in Hollow Port... and who Madam Flowers truly is.

Lilith Flowers belongs to @reds-hub-and-main / @rcseteaparty

Content Warning for: Lesbophobia, Emotophobia, Trauma Responses, Mentions of Abuse, Death, Murder. (If I miss anything, please let me know)

Allison awoke with the start, dripping with cold sweat and tears. The chilling air nipped and gnawed at her skin as she hugged herself while assessing her surroundings. She couldn’t tell which was faster, the thumping of her heart, or the fierce pounding in her head. Despite her fear, she looks down at her hands. No blood. Only bits of dirt and grime from the cold floor that her body collapsed on. In fact. This entire area looked familiar, from the candles that acted as the primary lighting source to the organ on the other side of the room. This was Madam Flower’s office.

Her breaths were shaky and rapid, that only grew in pace until she let out a horrific scream. A mixture of rage, terror, and sorrow at the idea of failure. She didn’t kill her. One bird must’ve seen her!! She had time!! She could’ve killed Flowers!! She had the time!! Why?! ….And that’s when the memories came flooding back to her. She was right there. The chandelier hadn’t even begun to fall. The dagger was over her head and yet… one look at The Lady of The Underground gave her pause. A trembling hand with the dagger overhead. A rush of the times Madam Flowers was kind to her. All that kindness, those moments together, all that laughter and conversation… it meant something to her. It wasn’t supposed to, but it meant something. It meant the world to her. Just the idea of not being able to speak with Madam Flowers anymore, not being able to hear her voice, knowing the name of the next plant that inhabits the garden, or the next recipe for her newest brew of fresh wine, it wasn’t something she couldn’t even fathom…

She was weak. She was in love. Her heart yearned for a woman that she suspected of murdering the most darling girl in the world to her, her dearest, Lilian. She tried so hard. She kept lying to herself repeatedly, trying to tell herself that the roses offered were nothing but plastic trash to manipulate her, and yet her heart wouldn’t listen. This crushing feeling of being in love with someone she knows she shouldn’t be… she already knew what that was like. Once more, she went through it again. The idea of moonlit nights being empty and cold without Flowers in them, looking for her in faces that passed by only to find nothing… just like with Lilian. She was weak.

Choking, pathetic sobs, muffled by a pair of gloved hands, echoed through Madam Flower’s office as Allison hung her head low. She failed. She had let everyone down. Failing her team, her family, and herself weighed heavily on her. Once again, her damn heart got in the way of everything. She wished she could rip her heart out and be rid of it once and for all. Her sobs, though loud, were not enough to drown out the sound of the entry door being flung open.

“Low some, spineless little cur!! How dare you!” Allison flinched at the insult, retreating into a familiar headspace she hadn’t been in since… the wedding. “The Madam has allowed you to hear to your heart’s content and this is how you repay her!?” Allison does not respond to the rightfully angry bird’s question.

“Your time is up Conway,” another states. “We have secured your members and Cloud 9. We’ve given you more than enough chances, and you’ve wasted them.”

Just hearing that makes Allison’s blood run cold. No, please, not again. She can’t go through this again! “WAIT!” She suddenly stands, tears streaming down her face. “Please just let them go!! They didn’t have anything to do with this!! I swear!! This was all my idea and I lied to them!! Just let them go and I’ll give you Cloud 9!! I promise!! I won’t leave!! I’ll stay here, just let them go!!”

“ENOUGH!!”

A tense silence fills the air as The Madam’s booming voice rips through the air. She suddenly appears in a bellow of fire, her hat shading her eyes, veiling her emotions. “Girls. Let Allison’s crew go immediately, and wait outside. I wish to speak with Allison. Alone.”

“But Milady!! After everything she’s done you’re still–”

“NOW! Do not make me ask twice.” Another flinch from The Bellowmight’s Angel. She’s never seen Flowers get so angry with her birds. Without another word, her henchmen scamper off to follow her instructions. Silence returns once more. It was as if they were both waiting to say something. All the while, Allison stands there trembling, with tears still fresh on her face. The fear in her eyes was so palpable that even Madam Flowers took a step back. However, she’s quick to recompose herself, and gently takes Allison’s hand to bring her lips to the angel’s knuckles. Another flinch on Allison’s part. “…Forgive me, angel.” Allison’s hand glides out of hers as she slowly turns away from the angel and drags herself to her desk. What a long and horrible night this was. Now might be a good time to end all of this… for good. She reached her desk and unveiled a set of papers, wrapped neatly in a rather large envelope. She then made her way back to a still-frightened Allison, and only asked one question, “I’m curious. Tell me. Why did you hesitate?”

Allison’s shoulders deflate and she can feel the light leaving her eyes. “Because I’m in love with you,” her voice was flat and quiet, barely above a whisper, “This wasn’t supposed to be real.” And yet, it was real. It was so very real to her. She thought if she just pretended with Romeo, it would be fine, and she wouldn’t get hurt. However, she never expected it to feel real. She never thought it would mean something to her. That Madam Flowers would mean everything to her. She doesn’t truly know or want to believe that Madam Flowers started the fire that killed Lilian. That was just an out to hide her true resentment. Something that if Flowers saw, she knew that she would take advantage of. She knew that Flowers didn’t truly love her. Why would she? Allison was just another resource, a prize, a commodity. Just like with him, and every other person that “wanted her.” She’s not pure, she’s not the angel everyone thinks she is. She’s only good to be consumed. She knows that. She’s accepted that. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. That’s why she didn’t want Lilith to get too close, and when she did, Allison tried to invent a way to get rid of her, to cast her aside and out of her heart. She wanted to believe in her heart that Madam Flowers was the monster that everyone else thought she was… but she was not. Madam Flowers. At least, not to Allison. The words spill like a waterfall through Allison’s lips as she stares off into nothing with dead eyes.

“…Gods. I am such a fool.” Well, that was the last thing Allison was expecting, but it did catch her attention. She briefly glances up as Flowers chokes out the next of her words. “I am such a goddamned fool. In trying to keep the devil at bay all I’ve done is become him… and hurt you like he would.” The one thing that she wanted was to never see Allison hurt. Now look where they are. Allison looked at her like she would look at him all those years ago. Allison admitted that the reason she considered murder was because she didn’t want to trade one cage for another. Was The Garden truly a cage, she wondered. Well, now they can both be free. The Madam silently hands the papers to Allison, a few damp spots littered the envelope. As soon as the papers were out of her hands, Flowers turned from Allison and walked away slowly.

Allison stands there for a moment as if she’s never seen an envelope before. She briefly glances at Madam Flowers, before back at the envelope. Despite fumbling a little, trembling fingers managed to open the damn thing and free the contents. The first that stuck out to Allison was the title of one that read, “Deed.” Her eyes briefly skimmed through the papers, before her name suddenly grabbed her attention. She went over the paragraph again. Then twice, and three times more. “… What?” was all she could muster. The Garden… belonged to her. Was this a joke? There was no way this was right. This had to be some sick gag to get her to let her guard down! There was no way that after everything that happened between the two, Madam Flowers was just giving her The Garden, literally the most powerful underground market in all of Hollow Port! “I… I don’t understand.”

“The Garden was never mine to keep, Allison,” Lilith responds, choking back sobs. “It was yours. Since day one, I’ve built it for you. I made this place so I can protect you. I’ve trained The Birds so they may guard you and guide you. That was their purpose all along. All of this is for you.”

Allison could feel her heart breaking and she didn’t even know why. So the whole time? Sharing the names of all the plants, the endless supply of wine, the near limitless resources, all of this, was for her? No. It couldn’t have been. That didn’t make sense. Allison had done nothing to hear this. Any of this. She barely had done enough to earn her shop in her eyes! And yet, there it was, in plain black and white. The Garden was hers to keep and do with whatever she wished. Her mind was spinning out of control. She didn’t deserve this. Accepting this responsibility terrified her beyond wit. But what choice did she have? Does she risk the idea of one of The Birds taking this place, especially after she’s more than earned their ire? “… Why?”

Madam Flower slowly turned to face her. Through her wide-brim hat and mask veiling her features, Allison could make out tears and a soft, somber smile. “Simple. Because I love you. I always have and I always will.” Flowers wanted nothing more than for Allison to feel safe here in Hollow Port, and if Allison didn’t feel safe with her around, then she needed to disappear. Flowers knew that Allison was scared to accept the responsibility of being the Madam of The Garden, but she believed that she could do it. She believed in her. All Flowers asked, maybe once in a while, to think of her and the time that they spent together. It was as real to her as it was to Allison, despite what she may believe. “Au revoir mon amour. Vous êtes enfin libre.” With those last parting words, The Great Madam Flowers disappeared in a bellow of fire, and For what she had done?! Did Madam Flowers kill Lilian by accident?? So many questions spun in her head and the answers lay resting in one spot.

Slowly, she composed herself enough to pick up the key and open the box. The same melody she just finished playing echoed out of the box in the sweetest and softest of chimes. The first item that lay on top immediately caught her eye. Lilian’s glasses sat gently atop a familiar, crimson-bound book with a fiery blossom compound on the cover’s center. In between the center items were other small bits of jewelry and knick-knacks that Allison thought would tickle Lily’s fancy. There’s even a flower crown of primrose that she made for her when they were 14. Emotions overwhelmed Allison in her desperate struggle to stay focused. It was like the funeral all over again. She gently removes the glasses from atop Lilian’s spell book and takes the crimson leather-bound book into her hands. Using the compound, she spelled out, “gloriosa superba.” Sure enough, it opened. Ah, she knew that girl far too well.

Going over the first few pages was nothing special. They were just pages of her complaining about her awful father and spells that she wanted to try. Then… Allison came into her life, and everything seemed to light up. Allison got to see firsthand how much she inspired Lilian. How Lilian always looked forward to seeing Allison every day. The days they weren’t together filled Lily’s heart with gloom and grief. Like the two girls completed one another… and in a way, they did. There. Right there, on her 16th birthday, Lilian realized that she was deeply and hopelessly in love with Allison. However, she dared not to say anything for fear that she ruin the happiness she had with Romeo. Oh, how naïve Lily was not to see the genuine pain that Allison was suffering. Allison could read on no more and doubled over in sobs. Then again, who was she to judge Lilian for being naïve, when she was an even bigger fool?! Had she just followed her heart and not been a coward, her dearest would still be here. No, instead she chose to remain in her cage and as a result, she lost the most precious girl in the world.

Pearl, offered Allison comfort, giving her more will to read on. She almost wretches again, reading the pages about getting caught with a maid. Her parents arranged for her to be married to Marcus Dumont to “cure her of this affliction.” The day of the wedding and what was supposed to be her last entry… how she was so determined to tell Allison how she felt. Poor Lily, she must’ve gotten cold feet. Cause Allison only remembered getting a somber look and a shaky hug. She also remembered handing Lily a dagger, kissing her cheek, and making her promise that she’d never stop fighting. She wondered, did Lily fight till the end? Or did she die peacefully in her sleep as the flames engulfed her?

…Wait. There’s. Another page. Written after the day of the fire. Allison’s eyes widen in horror at this realization. She quickly flips to the next page, only to be greeted with frantic gibberish that didn’t even look like Lily’s handwriting. However, she could make out a few phrases. “It hurts.” “Face hurts.” “Monster.” “What have I done?” “I didn’t mean to.” Allison’s hands were violently trembling. The next 4 pages were just “I’m sorry,” written in sickening, almost hypnotic repetition. Allison even found herself saying it out loud. When she finally reaches another entry, it starts to resemble Lilian’s handwriting again, but something has changed. She states how she needed to leave Clayburrow and stay as far away from Allison as possible. She’s a danger to others, especially those that she holds close… a monster. Why? Why Allison’s dearest think this way of herself? She’s not a monster! Why would she think that!? Did she kill Marcus?! If so, who cares?! That bastard had it coming!! Wait… Nothing, but the charred bone was found of Marcus… And it was always assumed that Lilian’s ashes were mixed in with the ashes of the marital bed… Oh. And Lilian was practicing pyromancy alongside her plant magic… No. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t!!

To confirm her suspicions, Allison read on. The next few pages were dedicated to Lily changing her handwriting Allison quickly recognized from the forms and poems, how she missed and longed for her partner in crime, how she gathered up evidence to unmask Romeo for the monster that he is, her stunned revelation that Romeo introduced her parents to Marcus, her painful and bloody climb to the top, and her construction of the garden… how much Allison would love it once she got here. The mysterious Lady of The Underground, Madam Flowers, was none other than Allison’s dearest and most precious friend, Lilian Leclair. Her most treasured friend, the first girl she’s ever loved, and she’s been right under her nose the entire time. She’s been rejecting, scheming against, and plotting the downfall of her dearest friend who she thought she lost so long ago…

Panic set in, and she scrambled to close the spell book and find her compound. As she peers into the mirror, she repeats the demand, “Find her,” repeatedly in rapid succession, until finally the mirror shows her a visage of a nearby warehouse that belonged to Blue Phantom Pharmaceuticals. In that instant, she snatched up Pearl and Lilian’s glasses before creating a portal, taking her straight there. Allison didn’t know what Lily would do next, but she’s not losing her. Not again. Never again.

[aphidclan-clangen]

part 2 out of 3

[boatcats]

Me, having a Bad Time: What if I did this exact thing to a fictional character? Would I feel better?

[thr4shit]

Funny to think how a rather "interesting" / big aspect of my brain is just sitting here hidden from y'all but I want to talk and be normal about it so bad but also crippling fear because I've literally lost entire friend groups over it because of masking too aggressively and when honest pissing people off for some fucking reason.

Like. UGH.

BRAIN. UGH WHY.

Like. Yeah. Y'all are just fuckin strangers on the internet but some of Y'all are genuinely better than the friends I've had in my lifespan :/

(Unfortunately a lot of people I befriended in the past suck and I hate them. And they're part of why I'm this way and blah blah blah and whatever. :/ ugh. why can't people be fuckin nornal about masking out of fear of being called crazy or a faker despite VERY MUCH FUCKIN NOT. HELL. If I WAS I'd have a MUCH BETTER FUCKING LIFE THAN WHAT I GOT. HARD TO MAKE THAT SHIT UP WHEN IT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. THANKS SOOOO MUCH TOXIC EX FRIENDS FOR MAKING ME MINIMIZE MY OWN LIFE BECAUSE YOU "HAD IT WORSE" YEAH. MAYBE YOU FUCKING DID BUT YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE AN ASS FOR EXISTING. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE AN ASS FOR COPING. GO FUCK YOURSELVES. YOU USED MY EMPATHY TO GET WHAT YOU WANTED. YOU DRAINED ME DRY THEN DROPPED ME WHEN I WAS AT MY LOWEST.)

[certified-bi]

Thinking about how when Zuko walks through the earth kingdom pretending to be as a refugee and some people notice his eyes but honestly they're not the first thing you notice given the scar and the fact he doesn't let many people near him. No while some of the towns have people who sneer most look on with pity. People like Song and her mother, Lee and his family see the scar and see how the fire nation attacks and maims children. And the worst part is Zuko has little to combat that with because it's true but he's not ready to hear that.

Other assumptions are of course that he's a bastard of some solider with bad luck. That his mother was forced into having him and may the poor woman rest in peace... and later him realizing how true that was of Ursa. What really sets her apart from any of the earth kingdom common women forced into mockery of relationships or forced to sleep with soldiers to stay alive? Maybe the threats were more veiled but it boils down to the same ultimatum.

[petrichor-moss-and-lightning]

“i don’t need to be liked. people pleasing and fawning served as a survival mechanism in the past but i’m an adult now i am capable of providing my own internal locus of validation. i dont have to fundamentally alter myself to fit each person,” i say thru gritted teeth, gripping the edge of the sink so hard it leaves claw marks

[faislittlewhiteraven]

Undertale/ISaT crossover thoughts 2

Been thinking more about this despite trying to vent out all my thoughts in this previous post and now I have something of a plot I figured I'd share (in case anyone else would like a stab at it/some ideas for their own Undertale/ISaT crossover fanworks).

Story opens with a time looping Chara in the void hitting their breaking point. The wish for freedom from generations of monsters + their own alternating wishes to free their family and hurt the humans who hurt them equals a loop that begins with their incredibly painful death to buttercup induced internal blistering, and ends whenever Asriel (post absorbing Chara's soul) is killed or they 'fail to punish' Chara's human family and well. Chara doesn't know the rules so the two have them have been looping so long that now when they reach the village of humans by Mt Ebott, instead of the friendliness they were shown in early loops (before getting murdered by the official authorities who 'already have orders on how to treat monsters') the villagers now attack them on sight in terror (sobbing monster thing? Sadness!), and they keep dying over and over and over-

Basically full 'Start Again a prologue' vibes, and so Chara in full please just make it stop mode wishes to the Universe...

For everything that hurt them and monsters to be forgotten like a bad dream! (cue The Island, Sif and Chara's homeland, as well as certain nasty individuals like Chara's human 'family' being erased from memory)

For someone kinder, stronger, and untainted by hate to 'be the angel' to free the monsters in their place.

To feed the golden flower seeds stuck in Azzy's fur with their corpse.

To atone in any way for all the pain they've caused.

(To one day be able to sit and stargaze on top of Mt Ebott together with those they love, just like they promised Asriel they'd be able to do)

Cue time skip to after the end of Undertale and Flowey's 'please don't reset and ruin their happy ending' speech, to show Chara's ghost flopping on top of their flowerbed grave wondering how long they'll be able to last before they give in and ruin Frisk's happy ending once more (with heavy implication that Chara is once more stuck in a time loop with no idea how to get out).

Then a cut to Toriel and Frisk making their way down Mt Ebott and spying a shooting star, Toriel remembering her religion (goodness, how could she have forgotten the Universe?) and praying/wishing to the Universe to 'have one of its stars watch over her fallen children, and give them the happiness she could not'. Cue Chara being shocked out of their non existent skin by a person with the head of a star crashing down right through them onto their grave out of seemingly nowhere.

(Aka, Plot line 1: Chara is trapped in time loop hell and Loop has been sent to help them and possibly Flowey? out of it. ... That's literally all I've got for them right now because I have NO idea how to actually have them interact XD)

---

Next section of story cuts over to the northern coast line of Vauguard: Sif and family (including Nille) are on their way back to Bambooche after their most recent travels when basically the world explodes into colours, Sif suddenly remembers a LOT more than they used to and they can all now see the large landmass to the north.

Much eye boggling, confusion, wonder and tears are had before everyone kind of parties and passes out but next day, things are being taken much more seriously:

Why is Sif's forgotten homeland, the Isle of Chara, suddenly back? Why are colours? How is this going to effect all of Vauguard (the fashion industry alone..)? And... What happened to the people of the island? Are they ok or..? And how will the rest of the world react to them being the epicenter of so much very unexpected change?

Cue brief discussion on whether or not to go (mostly just double checking with Sif if he's actually up for it despite the many potential horrors they could find there that are sure to be extra traumatising to them in particular), the group checking in with the House in Bambooche to have word sent to the rest of Vauguard (and hopefully the world at large) that the Saviors of Vauguard are on the case, and well. They could catch a boat or they could try walking along that MASSIVE steel and concrete bridge with its weird black road stretching out over the ocean (which was apparently there the entire time and ok, now everyone is getting really freaked out because it seems there was a fair bit more forgotten than 'just' the Island and the Stars. What else did everyone have stolen from their heads?).

(Aka, Plot line 2: The Saviors of Vauguard heading for The Island, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, and also the plot line I've done by far the most work on, to the point that it probably needs it's own post)

---

And last section, Frisk leads their monster friends down Mt Ebott back to 'the village of the humans' they came from and the monsters are stunned by the sight of... Well, wailing and sobbing adults who barely give the monsters a second glance, curious and 'just as silent as Frisk' children who smile and wave, and an old man Frisk introduces as 'Elder' who despite being very wobbly and also in tears, does his best to greet the monsters, thanks them for returning Frisk and very politely asks if Asgore is their king and here to kill them all as the stars foretold.

Cue a bit of awkward 'Um. Yes and no?' with a request to open talks with the 'leaders of humankind' only for the old man to laugh and cry as he explains that he's the closest thing this settlement's had to a leader for years now by virtue of being one of the few adults here with enough presence of mind to actually function through The Forgetting (he thanks his younger years of being an avid traveller) and that since the monsters breaking the Barrier seems to have made The Forgetting stop and they seem to have some form of government then honestly, they're the ones in charge now since stars know there's probably not much left of the Island's government still remaining all this time, and it's doubtful the people of other countries even remember they exist.

Cue everyone other than Frisk who knew all this being very surprised (Frisk's follow up 'explainations' don't really help a lot since The Forgetting is all they've ever known, and Toriel is so messed up when she realises Frisk and a good number of other kids literally can't talk or read without 'Communication Craft' due to the memory wipe effects they suffered under while growing up) and well. Monster kind move out of Mt Ebott at a breakneck pace while Toriel, Asgore, Alphys and everyone frantically try to get everyone settled, help all the very damaged Islanders into as much stability as they can (some recover better than others but there's a lot of grief over lost family, missing people, etc going around and monsters end up stopping more than a few suicides), and get things organised enough they know everyone will be fine before they can move onto working out WTF happened here. Also in the process of all this they end up working out that some things (like who was in charge before The Forgetting) are still being 'auto deleted' from memory (though the effect is fading as time goes on) and also the Island's capital is a space warped nightmare filled with Sadnesses right now and probably everyone should avoid it.

Lots and lots of world building regarding what Monsters vs Sadnesses are, my headcanons for the Universe religion (going with the Monsters also traditionally being Universe worshippers and much talk is had on the differences between 'the old ways' Toriel and Asgore remember vs the traditions and beliefs of the Islanders), and... yeah.

(That's Plot line 3: Frisk leads the monsters to the one semi stable human adult they know of and the monsters realise that not only are they free to live on the Surface now but the local humans both see them as saviors and desperately need their help after going through something that arguably makes the Underground look wonderful in comparison.)

---

Eventually I'm going to have to tie all three of these ideas together and I think I've got some ideas for Plot lines 2 and 3 such as:

Sif's family and/or Undyne bumping into each other catching all the trains to search for survivors across the Island

Mirabelle and to a lesser extent the whole party finding themselves the official Vauguardian ambassadors to the newly formed human/monster Island/Isle of Chara alliance who are very much in need of aid and more info about the rest of the world.

Papyrus and Frisk also being ambassadors, making all the friendships.

Sif realising 'the Elder' is their grandfather on their mother's side and trying to wrap their head around having any family around at all (and also trying not to think to hard about all the family still missing).

Isabeau and Odile uncovering just how much stuff countries outside the Island forgot (airports, train stations, cars, all that juicey science stuff).

The Saviors of Vauguard and various Undertale folks investigating the capital together (learning some of the less pleasant aspects of the Island's politics and culture while there including stuff about Sif's dad's side of the family and why the name Chara matter so much). But well. So far have NO CLUE how to get Chara, Loop and Flowey involved with the rest of the cast since well, they're reluctant to leave and no one else knows they're there. So. Yeah. That's what I have planned out mostly. Will list a bunch of stuff I've thought of regarding Sif's group going through the Island and their hometown (totally gonna bring up the 'Euphrasie Islander and possibly Sif's mom' theory in story but not actually confirm or deny it since well, Euphrasie is out of focus and most likely going through a major 'my memories have returned, how could I have forgotten-' breakdown her beloved Claude is going to have to help her through <3) but that's for another post and er. Yeah. Please feel free to share any feedback, ideas or thoughts you might have on this, and to take a stab writing/scribbling up some of this yourself as well as I think it cold be a lot of fun and I'd LOVE the help XD

[universejunction]

Parental investment repayment plan (source)

[bugflies00]

hey! i’m doing a little study thing to prove a point (honestly terrified to send this ask, been thinking about it for weeks) and i totally understand if you’re not comfortable enough to answer. i gen get it, there’s no pressure. what are your current views on like, ermmmmm, religion things? specifically chrisitanity? i’m excepting negative and positive answers lol

hi! well i have a pretty neutral view of religion in other people as a whole if that makes sense? like its just their thing and it doesn’t impact my life (obviously apart from when arguing with right wing religious extremists but thats a very specific minor case) like live your life man. i got baptised catholic but my parents never practiced so even though i went to catholic school to a few years its not important to me. sometimes depictions of religion make me a bit uncomfortable so ill block tags etc but its purely a personal thing ^_^

[askmatthias]

Since Louis remembers everything does that mean he most likely remembers all his deaths too?..

"Yes."

"Everytime."

( cw self-harm, s*icide attempts implied, blood )

"But not the perspective you might be imagining."

"... And, eventually, destroying 'me' wasn't enough."

...

"He's what you might call... Delicate. So you and I will be keeping this between us. Okay?"

[thefluxsystem]

haunted by the fact that the more people love me, the less they like me

[pynkhues]

Hey, really love your succession meta, I hope this is welcome in your ask box. Idk if this is something you talked about already, but there is this persuasive assumption in the general fandom space that roman was the only kid who suffered physical abuse ever that in my opinion isnt really supported in the text/subtext. The way the past abuse of all the roys is talked about, to me, always implied a wealth of countless, other traumatic experiences that are simply not talked about and may very well be physical abuse. To me it feels like it was set up this way to fire up the viewers imagination and illustrate the sheer, unspeakable magnitude of the abuse. I just cant see Logan never losing his temper and getting physical with the other sibs but I struggle to put into words why. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think Rome was the only kid facing physical abuse? Youre always so eloquent in your analysis and demonstrate a complex understanding of dv dynamics. I appreciate your work :)

Hey! Thank you for your kind words, anon, and it’s definitely welcome in my inbox!

Yeah, I’ve noticed that assumption about Roman a lot too, and it’s not one I personally agree with, although I do understand why people make it. Roman is, after all, the only one of the four children that the show explicitly depicts receiving physical abuse, and he’s the only one who really has his abuse talked about by the other children (interestingly, on both occasions Roman’s abuse is actually weaponised against other characters, not against Roman. Kendall uses it as a way to try and hurt their father in 4.02, and Shiv uses it as a way to say that Kendall deserves greater punishment from their father than he’s receiving in 2.01).

I actually would say that we’ve had pretty explicit evidence that Kendall received physical abuse too, namely in the way that Logan came at him at Connor’s ranch after Kendall’s relapse in 1.07 (especially because I’d argue Kendall was doing in that scene what Roman has done a few times now by seeking out the hit, and the reason Logan held off was less about not wanting to, and more that he punishes his children by not giving them what they want), and in Logan hitting Iverson with the tin of cranberries in 1.05. I talked about the latter in this post, but I’ve always read the blocking of Kendall behind Iverson as a way of having a flashback without having a flashback, and the way that the episode ties Kendall and Iverson’s experiences as the same I think underscores that.

(It’s hard to comment on this particular point without seeing the scripts, but Arian Moayed has said in an interview too that the script for 4.04 had Stewy say that he’d seen Logan through a shoe at Kendall which I do think is likely meant to echo what Shiv says about Logan beating Roman with a shoe in 2.01 too, but given the scene was condensed, I’ll leave it out as canonical evidence at this point).

As for Shiv and Connor, yeah, I do think there was physical abuse for both of them as well, and I think it was probably fairly common for Connor when he was very young, and probably infrequent enough for Shiv for her to push it down (honestly though, given her character, I wouldn’t even be surprised if a part of her re-wrote it in her head as a positive after the fact. Getting hit means, after all, that she’s one of the boys).

So it does beg the question of why Roman’s abuse is easier for them all to acknowledge. I have a few theories about that, but ultimately, I think it comes down to an adolescent othering of Roman by Shiv and Kendall, and all four of their relative proximity to each other in their formative years.

Alan Ruck has said that Connor’s about fifteen years older than Kendall which puts him in a unique situation growing up where I imagine there’s a lot about his childhood through to his young adulthood that the Golden Trio simply don’t know due to the age gap. They obviously know bits and pieces – what happened to Connor’s mother for instance, Logan’s temporary abandonment, and the situation with the cake – but I’d generally say that those are life events that scaffold a childhood, they don’t provide the detail of it.

The child desertion that came with Logan’s temporary abandonment too would also have been extremely formative to Connor as a character. We don’t know when this was (although I do have my own theories on that too), but it would’ve fundamentally changed any existing dynamic between Connor and Logan, and I think we see that quite clearly in the man Connor is. His people pleasing, his co-dependency, his need to control the terms of his relationships (notable in the entire context of his relationship with Willa), his fear of rejection, and his fawn response to certain situations are all symptomatic of childhood abandonment. I imagine a lot of that started after Logan’s desertion, but then likely were compounded with Logan’s re-entry into his life, and I think that grew into his sort of subservience and performed affability which was likely inherently tied to the fear of being abandoned again.

In that sense, I think there was probably less physical abuse with Connor as he got older because he learnt how to navigate their father’s temper and stopped testing it / always acquiesced out of a fear of being deserted again. If most of his physical abuse was when he was a child or a teenager, well, Kendall, Roman and Shiv hadn’t even been born, there’s already a remove for them in terms of their relation to it.

With Kendall, Roman and Shiv, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Roman being sent away to school in Delaware while Kendall and Shiv were both living with their father still and going to school in Manhattan. There’s a childhood separation there when it comes to Roman, yes, which breeds its own sort of ‘othering’, which I’ll come back to, but I do think there’s a lot of evidence in the show that depicts Kendall and Shiv as forming something between a ‘half and half’ and a ‘trauma-shield’ sibling relationship.

I’m getting a bit scientific here, so I hope you don’t mind, but a half and half sibling relationship is described as consisting of ‘the reenactment of traumatic events with their sibling due to the flawed attachments the sibling has to their caregiver. This sibling relationship is often the most violent, and is seen as a love-hate relationship with each other. This often plays out as the siblings’ relationship becomes too important as a substitute source of nurturing and threatening as a potential cause for abandonment. The siblings are confused about their psychological connection to a caregiver, and act out a push/pull relationship with each other to achieve maximum comfort from that caregiver.’

On the other hand, the trauma shield sibling relationship is when siblings ‘use each other as a shield from the abuse and interrupt the development process. They become fixated at the same developmental level and exhibit similar interpretations of their struggles despite the chronological age difference.’

The show regularly depicts Kendall and Shiv as being mirrors to one another – they are the winning dog, the rightful heir, the only real competition to one another, and now the only two to be parents and continue the lines of succession – and I think we’ve seen the effect that’s had on both their lives. They have moments of genuine intimacy and trust, they defend each other, they reach for each other when things are blowing up and become active participants in each other’s attacks on others, just as they also are the most ruthless with one another, the most violent, they weaponise each other’s weaknesses (both real and perceived) and have tried to ‘kill’ each other more than any other iteration of the siblings.

I also think that they both are in extreme denial about the abuse they received, and I think that they enable that in each other and shield each other from the realities of it which is easier to do when Connor and Roman weren’t there for it, and easier to do when they have each other to reiterate the artifice of their lives. God, one of the things that’s so great about the karaoke confrontation in 4.02 is that it kind of lays that out. Kendall and Shiv work together in that scene in a way that shuts Roman and Connor out at best and at worst uses their abuse and neglect to make a point while never saying anything about what Logan’s done to them. Shiv might bring up Logan advising Tom on the lawyers, but even that is a way around the things we’ve seen Logan do to her, and Kendall’s literally behind her the whole time. They’re in-step in their refusal to acknowledge what their father’s done to them, just as they’re in-step in forcing their brothers’ abuse out into the open to make a point.

I think this dynamic likely established itself around the time Roman was sent away to school, because I think Roman being sent away fed into Kendall and Shiv’s shared narrative that they were the prized children. It likely did have this degree of othering for Roman which emphasised his perceived weakness in the eyes of all three of the Golden Trio, and I think he likely had readjustment periods when coming home for the holidays that did see him hit more. I think those periods likely let Kendall and Shiv off the proverbial hook until he inevitably went back to school, where they could control their own abuse narratives again through their shared understanding of what the ‘story’ was.

This has gotten very long, haha, so look! This is a roundabout way of saying that I think Logan’s parenting style has been divide and conquer for as long as he’s been a parent, and that that has coloured all four of their understandings of their own abuse. The difference is that Connor and Roman were cast out, and the fact of being cast out at all means that abuse and neglect has a light shone upon it. It gets some oxygen, it gets to breathe, which makes it real. Kendall and Shiv weren’t cast out, they were kept together in their father’s house in Manhattan, and I think getting to stay behind closed doors in the dark let them hide even from Connor and Roman. It didn’t see the light, it didn’t get any air, so it was never real. I think it allowed them the ability to hide, deny or re-write their abuse, and I think they used (and still use) each other to do it.

[apamates]

Fitz' loved ones going "is anyone going to inflict unimaginable trauma on that boy??" and not waiting for an answer

[shockingshinx12-shinx]

Lazy comic about tigers doing as they do on this bitch of a desert world

I've been rotating this little interaction in my head for like a week or so now JHGDHFJHD I HAD to make it real Also, first time drawing Shinx and Shock ACTUALLY interacting, can't believe it's taken me this long smh my head

[fictionkinfessions]

grover! oh gods. that was so sweet of you. thank you for that.

i think the time-fuckery standpoint is pretty accurate. i barely fucking remember a lot of it post-stealing-the-master-bolt and betraying percy. i remember a lot, sure, but when it was decided i’d be kronos’ body? i don’t remember any of it. my death, too. i remember asking for the dagger, stabbing the achilles spot. nothing else i said. but i think i did try for whatever i said. isles of the blest, was it?

it sucked. i think it was thanks to some of kronos’ work my eye never healed properly after the quest. it would heal with the help of ambrosia and nectar and my vision in that eye would be a little better, then it’d worsen and fluctuate. it was like the wound was rewound.

i’m coming to terms with a lot of it. i don’t hate my dad as much as i did.

-#🌙🪽

(sort of in response to the Grover from https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/764639276230164480/response-to?source=share)

w

[habitual-creatures]

Sorry!! I fell asleep shortly after that-

This is probably an over share but I checked the old news page that they have on,,, someone!

He got 10 months so idk why they r lying!!

I was just bored and thought about checking it

- 💜 anon

Oh Xia, I'm sorry.

I don't really know how to respond no words really sound or feel right.