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alwaysaglader · 2 years ago

Text

Let’s face love together

Warnings: Mentions of abuse by past relationship.

Y/N's P.O.V

Flashback

I remembered being felt pushed back roughly, hands forcing to keep me in place on a hard surface, a strong hold aggressively gripping my skin as I tried to squirm free. "It hurts. Please stop" I begged, as I felt the pain branch through every nerve on my body, with every attempt he made to rage all of his tension out on me in the form of physical abuse.

I ran my hands over my scars on my thighs, a sick feeling washing over me, as I felt a tight nail-digging grip on my legs, pulling me to his dark abysmal grip again . "Please stop" my own voice rang through my ears, as I cried, screaming in silence to be free of the physical torment he was putting me through at every waking breath, "please stop it hurts".

I curled up to a ball at the end of my bed, tears streaming down my face, my heart shattering into pieces I know I will never be able to put together again.

His voice. His tone. His cold words, ringing through my ears like a broken record on repeat.

"Are you going to leave me for her?" I asked, tears streaming down my face, unable to hold myself together in front of his eyes that were filled with no signs of love towards me.

"It just makes me really uncomfortable when I see you with her all the time" I said, my voice barely able to string the words together under his mean stare, "you have barely ever spent any time with me...I just feel like something is going on..."

"You will just have to get over with your silly insecurities" he spatted coldly, barely glancing at my direction, "I don't want to carry the burden of your worries ruining my day".

---

I walked through the WCKD halls reaching the empty room marked 113 to drop some books given by one of the scientists, only to open the door and be horrified by the sight which will haunt me for the rest of my life.

His hands were on her, their lips connected, as they stood kissing in their own world.

I gasped at the sight, which bought their devilish attention to me, his eyes widening at the sight. "Y/N...".

I dropped the books running back to my room as fast as I could, tripping over my own feet in a hurry to escape the horror I just witnessed.

I sat shrivelled in a ball at the edge of my bed, tears gushing down my cheeks, my stomach twisted and churned into a knot, when I heard footsteps walk into my room and he stood there in front of me with an emotionless look.

"So I am not the one for you anymore?" I asked after a period of tensed silence, feeling my heart break into a million pieces at my own words leaving my lips.

"No. She is" he replied rather quickly, "with her it is different. We fit together perfectly".

"After everything we have been through..." my voice trailed off, as I felt my heart shatter more.

"Y/N, to be honest, this relationship with you has been nothing" he replied coldly, "it was just so useless and boring with you. You are so clingy. I don't even like to kiss you".

"She is perfect" he stated, which is all I heard since he met her - how perfect she was. His eyes twinkled with joy, with the biggest smile plastered on his face as he said those words about her. "I love her".

"I never loved you and I will never love you" were his last words that echoed in my head as he stomped out of the room which was the last I saw of him.

---

I choked on my tears and gasped for air, partly waking up only to find myself alone in my bed, sweating with fear out of every pore on my body.

The memory of the pain pierced through my body as I relived the terror of being abused till I was physically bruised and throwing up.

His touch still burned my skin, as if haunted by a ghost, terrorising every breath I take. "Y/N?" another voice rang through my ears, pulling me further from my nightmares, just enough to wake me up fully from the horrors of my past memories

My past memories - Of being abused, cheated and left by my ex-boyfriend.

The only bloody memories I remember before being sent to the maze.

"Was it him again?" the voice asked knowingly, as I tiredly opened my eyes adjusting to the reality that I wasn't drowning in his toxicity anymore. I nodded sitting up only to see the only person I wished I could see in my dreams - Newt.

"Newt I'm sorry I woke you" I immediately said, knowing my struggles in my sleep would have woken him up in the next room. It happened almost every night, by every night he was still here by my bed side at the slightest whimper I made.

"It's ok love" he said, immediately moving to stroke my head, his big calloused hands calming me with every gentle stroke. "You are safe. I'm here with you".

Newt's P.O.V

Humming, I gently stroked her head, but she was barely responsive, blankly staring at me as my words reached her heart not making an impact. Cause she's heard these words so many times before, but without it carrying any weight of it's meaning.

Empty words repeatedly spoken to her heart which has made her numb to the truth of it.

Slowly, I got a bit closer, as I watched her big beautiful orbs follow my change of position, as I slowly sat close to her on the edge of the bed, not to scare her of any immediate physical contact due to the degree of pain that has been physically imprinted on her skin.

"Darling can I give you a hug? I promise I won't hurt you" I said softly, opening my arms, so she could slowly crawl into them in her own time, to which she did after looking at me for a few moments. "You are safe love" I said, cradling her gently in my arms, as my fingers gently encircled her scars to sooth the pain I know is intrigued every time she re-lives the moments of every stroke of abuse of how she got them.

Y/N cried for so long I thought her sounds of pain would kill me.

If only I could, I would absorb her pain and return it to her as love.

Only when the exhaustion overcame the tears did she finally go still, collapsing fully and completely into my arms. I've been holding her against my chest for an hour at least.

Every once in a while, it feels like a dream. Her face is pressed against my neck. She's clinging to me like she might never let go and it does something to me, something heady, to know that she could possibly want me - or need me - like this. It makes me want to protect her even if she doesn't need protecting. It makes me want to carry her away and lose track of time in our own little bubble.

Gently, I continue to stroke her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead.

She stirred, but only slightly. "Sun is coming up" Y/N yawned, an arm reaching out to turn off her alarm clock about to wreck havoc, "we have to get ready Newt. The Runners must be waiting".

"Love, I can talk to Alby and get you today off" I started to say, to which she gave me a small tired smile accompanied by the 'no need' shake of her head as she untangled herself from my arms and sat on the edge of the bed next to me. "Then let me run with you today" I pleaded.

I watched her eyes water as she curled up to a ball at the corner of the bed again, hugging a pillow close to her chest. She looked at her wrists and thighs, which had some scars on them.

"It's alright Newt" she spoke softly continuing to look down, "you already spend so much time with me... I don't want you to get fed up of me".

"Y/N... I could never. I want you all the time love" I said immediately, almost starting to cry as a feeling of absolute cold shot through me, making me shiver at her words. Her heartfelt plea made my heart ache.

"Love, why would you say that?" I asked, tears brimming my eyes now at the thought of Y/N having such a thought in her mind, when all I want to do is spend every waking moment with her.

Y/N had always been someone I couldn't stay away from; a few mere seconds is all it takes for me to miss her.

I could sit in the silence with her for the rest of our lives and it would mean more than a thousand words with anyone else.

"He said I was too clingy of a person" Y/N's small voice then sounded, almost inaudible, but I still sensed her words.

I am always homesick for Y/N and to have her here, thinking in any other way broke my heart even more.

"Y/N, I wish I could carry you around in the pockets of my hoodie so I can spend every breath I take with you" I let out a sniffle I couldn't hold back, feeling my tears burn brightly in my eyes.

When she raised her head to look at me, she opened her arms to invite me for a cuddle, causing the tears to run down my cheeks.

"You are not too clingy Y/N. Even if you were, hell I would love it even more. Trust me". My sobs and my mouth pressed against her shoulder almost made my speech unclear, but she wouldn't mind anyway, "I want you with me all the time".

"Cling to me. I promise I will never let go" I whispered and pressed a kiss on her nose and then nuzzled it with my own, making her grin. "Good that?".

Minho's P.O.V

"Y/N?" I repeated for the third time nugging her shoulder making her finally look at me dazed out of reality. That look immediately stopped me on my tracks, stopping her too, knowing all too well that Y/N was battling the demons in her mind on her own again. Mapping the maze can wait a while.

"I'm fine" she immediately shrugged me off, knowing I was going to ask but that did not stop me from pursuing to find out what she is really running from.

"Y/N, you are clearly not" I said, crossing my hands over my chest. I saw a shadow fall on her face as she took a few steps and leaned on to the wall to catch her breath in between a few sniffles she was trying to hold back. "More memories?" I asked knowingly, to which she nodded.

"I've lost hope Minho" she mumbled with a broken voice and looked at me with blood red eyes, it took all of me not to punch my way out of this hell hole to get to that guy and break his neck for everything he's done to Y/N. But for now, all I could do was wrap my arms around her and be there for her when she needed it the most.

"I've lost hope in the world. I've lost hope in love. Shuck, I'm too broken to even be loved" she mumbled and a tear trickled over her cheek, down to her jawline. I frowned, and wiped her tear away before I moved to wrap my arms around her small frame holding and protecting her as close as I could.

"That's not true" I said, feeling her bury herself deeper into my arms and hide her face, squeezing me a little. "Do you believe in it?" She then asked, pulling back a little.

"Y/N, there is only one reason as to why I believe in this shucking thing called love..." I started to say, choosing my words carefully as not to startle her, "...and that is because I've seen the way you and Newt love each other".

Her eyes immediately widened like the opening of the Maze doors. "Minho, don't be bloody ridiculous".

"N-N-N-Newt does not love me. I-I-I can't be loved. Look at me. I'm broken and messed up" she said, voice trembling a little from all the emotions. "That's perfect. So is Newt" I chuckled lightly. Lifting her chin I bought her gaze back to my eyes, "and to be honest Y/N so are all of us shanks, that's what makes us one big shucking family here".

Y/N continued to look at me in complete silence, as if we were talking with our eyes while our mouths were shut tight. I moved a little closer and pulled her to the floor for a seat next to me, leaning against the ivy covered walls to tell her a few lovesick Newt stories .

"Have you noticed that Newt never finished a cup of coffee or a cup of tea that you didn't make for him?" I asked, to which she shook her head lightly. "I asked about it once and his response was 'it just tastes better when she make it'. Always make me smile seeing an empty cup now".

"You know how Newt comes to cuddle with you sometimes, usually after you sleep" I continued, noticing a twinkle of happiness spark in her eyes again, a sight I haven't seen in so long. "He said he'd settle in bed and then you do what he calls the 'reach', where you start swatting around to find him and once a body part is located you attempt to crawl into his skin, all the while asleep. Most nights, he just lays there and smiles holding you in his arms".

"You know sometimes when you guys run the maze together you get separated and when you find each other again, he always says you smile when you see him" I said excited myself now, to tell her everything I've been dying to, for so long, "sometimes that shank wonders off just so you can bump into each other and he gets to see that smile".

"When you guys are holding hands, he says you have a squeezing contest almost every time and it makes him never want to let go. One time Thomas had to pull him off" I laughed. "The first time you hugged him when you woke up from a nightmare, he damn nearly cried knowing that you feel safe with him".

"Sometimes when you guys sit down at the kitchen or at the bonfire, he says you scoot close to him as possible, giving the biggest, cutest and sweetest smile he has ever seen in a person, and then you will lay your head on his shoulder for a minute" I said, mimicking the action making her let out a small giggle. "He will then hold your hand or put his arm around you. Its a small act but the fact that you want to be close to him means the world to him and it's one of his favourite things he thinks about very often".

Y/N smiled this time with slightly reddened cheeks and her eyes began to sparkle. Maybe I had finally broken through the wall that held this space.

"Y/N, the person who does something that inconveniences them, but does it anyway because it is important to you. The person that is always there for you at the end of the day. The person that can't wait to talk to you and listens to every word you say. The person who no matter the mistakes and choices you've made, still wants to be with you..." I explained, placing my hand over hers, making sure every word I spoke reached every inch of her heart and mind.

"The person who wipes away your tears and kisses your tear stained cheeks. The person who would throw everything away, who is there at your beck and call, the person who knows you and knows that you want without asking - that is the person. That's the person that loves you more than life itself. And that person for you is Newt" I panted, completely out of breath.

For months I've been watching Y/N cope with anxiety and depression, which she started suffering from since the nightmares about some traumatic things that happened in her life, before the maze.

When Newt caught her having crying fits and began to keep everything to herself, including her words and mood swings, he noticed something was seriously wrong with her. One night, he pulled her in for a cuddle and stroked her hair, telling her things were going to be alright.

Newt never forced her into talking, he would just hold her close to hush her from her outburst, saying that whenever she wanted to talk to him he would be there to listen.

Then and only then did she confess about the nightmares haunting her at every moment of the day and showed her scars imprinted on her skin of her thighs and wrists from the intensity of the abuse that was tormented on her in her past.

On one occasion, Y/N herself hurt her lips till they were bruised and bleeding, cause of the horrid past things she's been told about her kisses, which to Newt were beyond heavenly. He would die in her kiss and she deserved no one less than that.

For the rest of the time, we were silent, processing our entire conversation when a sudden though popped in my head making me turn to Y/N with a huge smile plastered on my face.

"You didn't deny that you love Newt" I grinned, finally coming to the closest I've been to a confession out of her. "Oh-I-I" she faltered, getting flustered with a deep blush filling her cheeks.

"Y/N the truth. It's me. We share all sorts of crap" I said and booped the tip of her nose, what made the smile she was trying to hide break free. "Promise me not to hide yourself when you are in pain, it's not fair that we laugh together but you cry alone".

Y/N nodded before a fully blown, toothy grin appeared on her face, letting her eyes shine. "I do love him Minho. I love Newt so much".

"But I'm scared to try again. People tend to get tired of me and leave" she said, "they don't know that I am tired too but I choose to stay".

"Y/N, sometimes an ending can be a blessing in disguise, because it forces you to walk away from someone you never would have let go of, and to seek the love, care and effort that you've always been worthy of and she-bean you deserve nothing but the best" I told her truthfully.

"Girl you are the whole package. Just was at the wrong address" I let out a small chuckle. "Don't be afraid to start over again Y/N. This time you are not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience".

"And hey if that shuck face ex ever shows his face here, I'll make sure he is the Griever's first meal of the day. In Thomas's words I'll feed him myself" I laughed out loud, what made Y/N giggle too. "Though there is a chance there that Thomas will get eaten first".

"I'm serious though" I smiled at her direction, "he is Griever muck when I find him. No body hurts my she-bean and walks away, you may not be my blood but you are my sister Y/N".

"Right back at you Min" she shoved me playfully, making happiness bloom inside me at the sight of her smiling, a twinkle in her eyes I haven't seen in a very long time.

"I'm just afraid of history repeating itself Minho" Y/N spoke up after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "There's a million girls out there somewhere---" she continued but that sentence was completed by someone else.

"But I only want you Y/N" the voice sounded, making me and Y/N both shuffle to our feet next to the figure standing close enough to hear us, that we did not hear nor see coming, and it was none other than our person of interest - Newt, all sweaty and flushed from running the Maze.

"N-n-newt how much did you hear?" Y/N gasped, baffled and shocked, and so was I. "Heard enough love" he smiled warmly, stepping closer to her, making them both blush more with every inch of a step he took towards her.

"Minho could you give us a moment?". And that was my cue to leave the two lovebirds alone.

Newt's P.O.V

"I only want you" I repeated. "I love you Y/N".

"I love the way your hair curls at the ends and the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh. I love the way you sneeze and the way you dribble the toothpaste down your chin when you brush your teeth" I said, making her chuckle, "I love your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh line and your birth marks".

"I know your favourite book, food, colour and pair of shoes". Moving closer to her, I first made eye contact with her and then smiled at her, what caused a grin to appear on her face, too.

"I know why you're awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you lost a good friend and why you picked up the knife and how you managed to put it down before things went too far" I whispered at her and cupped her face into my hands to pull her closer to me gently.

"I know about your love of cookies, your need to quote any book you know all the way through, your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy and mixed emotions".

"I know your favourite thing to order from Frypan, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles". Her eyes, which had one of the most beautiful mixture of colours I had ever seen in my life, rolled playfully.

"I know your mannerisms like how you fiddle with anything that you can get hold of when you are anxious, and I know your stroppy pout, facial expressions and your laugh because it is my favourite song" I smiled, feeling happiness exploding in my stomach with every word I said.

"I know how you feel without you telling me love, that you need a wee from a look on your face and that you're crying without shedding tears". Y/N continued to look at me in complete silence, as I moved a little closer again, intertwining our fingers together, which fit so perfectly.

"I know that you have already picked out your wedding flowers, baby names and the colour of your bedroom wall for when you get out of here, which is what I became a Runner, so I can get you out and give you all the happiness in the world and more".

Softly, my lips left a kiss on her forehead. "I know everything that is to know about you, top to bottom, inside out and I love every single thing about you".

When Y/N looked down while blushing, I couldn't hold myself anymore. I moved myself as close to her as I could and lifted up her head by lifting her chin up with two fingers. "And I want to spend the rest of my life learning more and more about you till every bit of you is imprinted on me".

"I love you so much Y/N and I want to make you the happiest you can be... even if it is not me you want to share it with, keeping you happy will always be my goal in life" I told her, looking down at our hands intertwined, tears starting to swell at the corner of my eyes.

"Newt, there is no one else I'd want to share my future with other than you" her angelic voice sounded as she smiled, finally triggering to look up into her beautiful pair of eyes. Y/N had never looked so beautiful to me. I felt light in my head, as if I was drunk on Moonshine.

"But I haven't been the same person that came in the Box, and I am so sorry you have to put up with that, Newt. I don't want to burden you with all my troubles, I can take care of myself" Y/N's bottom lip trembled as she tried to keep herself from crying.

I nodded and opened my arms for her so she could crawl into them. "I know you can. You have. You still do. You always will. I've just joined in too. Now we take care of each other".

"And don't apologise darling. Never apologise to me. I want to be that shoulder you need to cry on." I tapped it, "go on use me all you want. Soak it in tears. Wipe your nose if you want to”.

Without saying something, but just with some tears, did she crawl towards me and nuzzle herself deep into my chest, in for a comforting cuddle. ''Do you think I do not love you anymore?'' I then asked. "I'm not the same" she whispered, and hung her head low.

''Y/N, you may have changed because of the trauma you endured, but darling do you honestly think people stay the same? We all change. You change, I change. And right now you're just going through a really hard time" I couldn't help but to release some tears too.

It hurts me so much to see her like this, mentally tangled with herself. "But that's alright, love, it's okay. Light is easy to love darling. I want you to show me your darkness".

''And if you think I'm going to leave you, you're wrong. You may not be as happy as you were years ago, but you're still the beautiful, goofy girl I fell in love many years ago" I said, trying my best to make her understand that I don't mean any harm and that I have no intentions to make her even more traumatised in life.

She has been broken enough, I do not have the heart to shatter those broken pieces, too.

"Just because you're down every now and then doesn't mean I do not love you anymore, darling. If I had the chance to do everything over, I would have fallen in love with you again" I kissed her bandaged wrists like a mother that kisses her children's wounds away. I wanted her to feel better, both emotionally and physically. She has been struggling so much.

"You didn't have to do anything to make me fall for you Y/N. I didn't fall for you because of what you could or couldn't do for me. I fell for you simply because you were unapologetically yourself" I murmured gently, while she stirred in my arms, and pressed herself tighter against me, nuzzling her face just underneath my chin.

Smiling to the cuteness, I caressed her back. "I fell for your beautiful soul and big heart. I love you for everything that you are and everything that you're not. You are so perfectly flawed, but also perfectly you, and that is why I love you".

"You are a wonder Y/N. You are made of magic that only I can see, and I believe in that every single day, not just on certain days". That reassurance made her calm down. Y/N looked up at me, her eyes showing a twinkle of happiness.

"You.Are.Safe" I stated, enunciating every word with aching slowness, as I trailed the pad of my fingers along her chin, "I'm not going to ask you to get over your past. I am going to help you get through your past but I want you to know that what happened to you in your past, it won't follow you to the future. I won't let anything bad happen to you anymore".

"And if you just tell me where else I need to keep you safe I'll do that too" I murmured, while caressing her head gently with the palm of my hand. The caressing continued slowly.

"You're too handsome to cry, silly" Y/N smiled, while she wiped my tears that had started falling. The compliment made my cheeks burn, and I shyly looked down before looking back into her eyes which showed me the world. "I love you too Newt. You and only you".

"But I'm scared" a soft mumble rolled over those lips I craved to kiss.

"I know darling, I'm scared too but let's face love together cause I only want to feel it with you". When I said this to her, I made sure to look deep into her eyes to make sure she understood every word I spoke.

For once there was no wall between us, keeping me from getting close to her. It finally broke down just for me, and I could finally get close to her. I'm now sure no-one will hurt her anymore, because I'll protect her broken soul, and will do everything to heal her the best I can.

"Only with you" she whispered, as I leaned my head on top of hers, resting and letting our accelerated heartbeats slow down to a normal pace. "For the rest of my life".

Wrapping my arms around her tighter, I pulled her closer until there was no space left between our bodies. "For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart" she let out a happy sigh against my chest, completely at ease. My heart missed a few pulses from her words.

After a few minutes we pulled back and just stared at each other while resting intertwined, letting our heartbeats match. "Can I kiss you darling?" I asked, feeling my heart pound louder for her.

"Yes you can but I didn't think you'd want to. My lips are so bruised" Y/N whispered. To cheer her up a little, I pressed a kiss on her nose and then nuzzled it with my own.

"Bloodied or bruised, I'd kiss every inch of you" I grinned to which she smiled softly with such pure eyes that it took me aback a little. "Because there is not one part of you that does not deserve love".

"Then why don't you?" Y/N murmured with brightly coloured cheeks, shifting her beautiful pair of eyes from mine to my lips and back, growing closer and closer. "The problem is" I said as I leaned in slowly, my lips slightly parting already, "if I kissed you, I don't think I'd be able to stop".

My heart started beating louder and harder, thumping in my chest, when she leaned in more, her lips dangerously close to mine and whispered "then don't".

I didn't need to hear her say that twice as I immediately cupped her face in my hands and leaned to the side and pressed our lips together right on the spot for the kiss I've been yearning for all along. And as soon as I felt her lips on mine, I knew that those will be the last ones I'd ever kiss.

After a few minutes of kissing silently and lovingly, we pulled back and rested our foreheads together, standing intertwined, letting our heartbeats match. We were entirely in our own little world as we stood there in what seemed like ever lasting hug.

"There's a vision I've been holding in my mind" I said just above a whisper, while she drew imaginary patterns on me, caressing my skin as we stood there - rocking from side to side.

"We're 65 and you ask 'when did I first know?' and I say 'I always knew' ".

Y/N pulled her face from my chest and looked at me with sparkling eyes, which seemed wide awake out of a sudden. Her irises shined so bright, so bright they almost blinded me. We both didn't say anything, but her eyes told me more than enough. And as soon as a smile spread all over her face, I knew enough.

Love is difficult because so many have it backwards. They look at look as to what love can give them. As long as their list of needs are met, they will love in return. But that's not the way love works. Love always looks for what it can give more than what it can get.

Every relationship will get 'boring' after you've been together for years. Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment to love every day, physically and emotionally. It's difficult, it's not always laughs, smiles and fun. People tend to quit when it stops being fun, and they go look for someone else, because 'the spark is gone'.

No, that's not how it works. You want somebody to never give up on you, and love you unconditionally then do the same. Be the change. Love someone when you don't want to, when they aren't the easiest to deal with. When they're hard to love. That's the realest version of love there is.

For me, I'd choose Y/N undoubtedly over and over again, every single day.

I am not afraid of her scars. I know sometimes it's still hard for her to let me see her in all her cracked perfection, but I want her to know that whether it's the days she burns more brilliant than the sun or the nights she collapse into my lap her body broken into a thousand questions, that she will always be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I will love her when she is a still day. I will love her when she is a hurricane.

Y/N's P.O.V

As I held him in my arms, listening to his rhythmic breathing, I couldn't help but to love him more than I have ever done. Because he's trying so hard to give me the best he can offer me. And owning his heart of gold that beats just for me, made me realise that here in his arms is where I shall grow old.

I finally found the person who makes me the happiest, never leaves me alone, comforts me on my darkest days, heals my inner child and helps me become a stronger version of myself.

It made me realise that I was never asking for too much. I was simply asking the wrong person.

Life changes. You lose love. You lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone. And then, without you even realising it, these pieces come back. New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you is staring back in the mirror.

We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong person, but one thing is for sure, mistakes will help us find the right person some day.

The road to true love is the same road that will first show you what true love is not.

So keep your heart warm, no matter how cold they have been to you.

Cause somebody is gonna catch your vibe one day and love you unconditionally.

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