#trauma memories

[sysboxes]

[Text: This alter is stuck in trauma memories.]

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[companionplanting]

Hey

I know it's tempting, and I know it's hard to accept, but brute forcing your way to find your trauma isn't going to help you or your system.

Trust me, we get it. You just wanna know, you wanna understand and you don't want to have a guessing game each day but trauma holders formed for a reason. Your system formed from trauma for a reason.

What you should focus on is getting better, strengthening communication, and building a more comfortable and safer life for the whole system. Being out of the loop sucks, and I understand that nagging feeling to just know what's happened already.

But you would never try to force a friend to blurt out their trauma unprompted. You would never interrogate and cross boundaries with the people you love to make them reveal their trauma to you.

It'll happen in time. They will open up. You just have to trust them and be patient. You just have to heal from what you know now and be ready for when they do open up. They aren't your enemy in this, they do care for you, even if it may not feel that way.

-🌺

[korya-elana]

I was originally going to keep this in the vent chat in one of our Discord servers. But I also thought we would be fine after we woke up, had some caffeine and started going through the day's motions. I was wrong.

We have not slept. Youngest either had flashbacks or intrusive thoughts about the trauma.

All. Night. Long.

I'm fucking exhausted. I'm not even sure who "I" am. I was aware the body was asleep the whole time, trapped in a little room while I watched her trauma on some kind of TV screen. It was the strangest fucking experience. She took away almost everything as she typically does but I can still remember the initial intrusive thoughts that started this fuckfest so even when I did physically wake I couldn't get back to sleep and weed, for once, made the intrusive thoughts worse.

Not to mention the constant audial hallucinations while we tried to sleep.

Fuck him for what he did to her. Fuck him for destroying a little five year old girl who'd never done anything wrong. It's breaks my fucking heart, we didn't deserve that. I can't wait until they put you in the ground.

I can't get that one picture out of my head.

~Unknown/Blurry

[convexicalcrow]

False didn't want to know. She'd heard, of course, about the skulk. About Cub. About the skulk spreading all over his base. It brought back memories she didn't want to think about. Not- not memories about, well. Well, okay, maybe memories about Cub spreading skulk all over the place, but also - more so - well. Her, really. Her sister. Sister? God, she wasn't really sure what she was anymore.

But that was two worlds away, right? She was- she would be fine. Away from her.

-

In spite of herself, she went to Cub's base and perched high on the mountainside, looking at how far the skulk had spread. It was- horrifying, really. And no one was really stopping it, or feeling concerned about this. Was False the only one worried? Was she just overreacting? Yes, of course she was.

But-

-

Gingerly, she flew down closer, seeing the straight roads and the blue fire and the deathly silence the skulk brought, even when this wasn't the right biome. It just ate sound completely. Even the fires sounded soft, muted, as if they were actually fifty blocks away. It was weird. Especially given the building styles Cub had used for the rest of his base. Sure, you could argue that the dark skulk made the bright colours all the more vivid, but there wasn't any hint of a coherent style anywhere.

It just felt-

-

She left, of course. She didn't like how it felt, being so close to the skulk. She got back to her base, focused on the circles, the dark oak, just the-

She had to pause as she caught her reflection in the water, and saw- her. It startled her so much she threw her sword into the water, breaking the reflection. No. No, she wasn't- she can't be. Right?

-

The water felt- odd. Her briefcase felt weird. Oddly heavier than usual. A new river had appeared, perhaps? Maybe that was it. Yeah. Maybe she didn't see someone else's hands as she cut down more dark oak, placed down more copper, set the portal tower on fire as if some great calamity had-

-

The fire was what triggered it all. She fled into her starter house, hiding under the blankets like a frightened child. No. Nononono. Fire danced in her mind. She had thought she'd repressed all those. Blasted them out of her mind the same way she'd done to-

But all she could smell was burning. Hear explosions. See the carnage left behind in the wreckage of her tower. Underneath her base. All the people who'd died because of her. It was- no, she was responsible, she killed those people!

And yet, when she stared at her own hands, they dripped with blood. After all, who locked her in there in the first place?

-

False returned to the skulk. Sat on the edge. Reached out to touch it a little, feel the sticky veins clinging to her skin, as if hungry to devour her soul. She wasn't sure it would be any good for it, but perhaps that was beside the point.

-

"Hey False, you okay?"

She looked up to see Cub landing before her. She shrugged. "Oh, you know." She gestured helplessly.

"It's not the skulk is it? Bringing it all back, hey?" Cub said.

She shook her head. "No, no, not- well. Sort of. You know. Just- wasn't expecting all the skulk, that's all."

"Yeah, it is maybe an odd choice, but I dunno, I think it looks better than the grass here, don't you think?" Cub said, coming to sit beside her.

"Yeah, I guess so. Makes the colours pop, that kind of thing," she said.

"Yeah! You see it!" Cub said. "It makes them so bright, I love it!"

-

"Hey, Cub, do you ever think about the crossover? And what happened there?" False said, staring at the ground.

"Every now and then, sure. They were good times, good times," Cub said.

"Even though I saved you from the skulk?"

Cub shrugged. "I mde my peace with it. What about you, though? I heard there was some kind of imposter over there? Another False?"

False brought her knees up to her chest. She frowned. "It's complicated."

"Oh, was Scar right when he said it was a clone or something?"

"I mean..."

-

"Was it Area 77? Or before that?" Cub asked.

"I don't think I even remember anymore. But probably. I-I didn't mean to, like. She-she was just meant to be like-"

Cub rubbed her back softly. They were sitting on his bed in his starter house now, having needed to retreat from the night. False leaned against him, reaching for his hand. Cub linked their fingers together.

"I dunno why I find it so hard to talk to anyone other than you about this. It's not like you even really understand, but- I dunno. You were there, I guess. You saw what was going on there. You know. You get it," she said. "You know what it's like to be kept in the dark."

"Hm, maybe."

She was right back in Falsewell then. Cub - well, he looked different back then, but his energy had never changed. The two of them standing by the motel, trying to catch a glance of anything inside Area 77. Wondering.

-

She'd started crying as the fire returned. Cub offered to help. Maybe she held his hand tight as he used some of those Vex powers to make her forget. Maybe it didn't quite work, but maybe it was enough to dampen the flames.

She'd do it again, of course. If she ever came back, if she ever found her here, she'd do the same again. She had to. She was too dangerous.

There was no way she could get here, of course, there was no Grumbot, no Rift, no way to connect to that world, but-

-

"She's probably so lonely, isn't she? Stuck there on her own?" she murmured into the darkness. Cub's body was a heater that she needed right now.

"Maybe, maybe. You'd still leave her there, wouldn't you?"

She nodded.

"Well, there you go."

[multiplicity-positivity]

hi, this is all kinda on a whim but i can never find accounts anywhere so unfortunately you’re going to have to deal with it

is it strange to want to hurt this body. to force yourself to try to remember something or to have the urge to hurt yourself, but something is stopping you from it? you try so hard to remember this but you don’t feel rage or sorrow towards it even though it impacted you so greatly?? just to feel real??

Hey… we come from a place of a system with DID, so please take that into account as you read our response. It got heavy, so it’s going under a cut.

No, this is not strange or weird. In fact, for those of us with dissociative disorders, we’d venture to say it’s pretty common.

You’re bringing up a few different things here, so we’ll try to break them down as we understand them.

Is it normal to…

Want to hurt yourself? Yes. Systems of all sorts often struggle with self harm, especially those of us with complex dissociative disorders, trauma disorders, or a history that includes trauma.

Force yourself to remember trauma? Oh yes. Complex dissociative disorders function by masking and hiding trauma memories. It is a common experience for alters to go looking for trauma because, sometimes, they feel like they weren’t traumatized or whatever trauma they can remember shouldn’t have been enough to make them feel this way. However, and we cannot stress this enough, it is best to try and cool down, take things slowly, and not go looking for trauma memories unless you are in a safe and secure place both inside and outside.

Find that something is keeping you from accessing painful memories? Also yes. Whether it’s dissociative barriers or an alter with this particular role (like a gatekeeper) many, many systems may find that they are entirely unable to access traumatic memories at will. Dissociative amnesia is a serious symptom of dissociative disorders - you can learn a little more about it including some of our personal experience with it here:

Not feel any strong or particular emotions about painful or traumatic memories? Definitely. Emotional amnesia is a part of dissociative amnesia, which you can learn more about in the link we posted above. It is incredibly common for certain alters, especially front-facing or regularly fronting alters, to have little to no emotional response to their trauma.

Struggle to feel real/self harm to feel real? Yes to this as well. Depersonalization and derealization are common dissociative symptoms that can lead to individuals feelings disconnected from themselves and reality as a whole. Dissociated folks may try a huge variety of coping mechanisms (some positive, some negative) in order to try and maintain that sense of connection. We have a resource post where you can learn more about DPDR here:

We don’t know for sure whether or not you are dealing with a dissociative disorder, but if you are or think you may be, please know that what you are going through is quite common, although we know how challenging and painful it can be to deal with.

We hope that in your future you can access a kind, patient, trauma-informed therapist who can help you come to terms with your past and begin to heal. We know it is a difficult and painful process, but please know you are not alone. If there is anything we can do to further provide resources, information, or support to you, please let us know. We’re wishing you all the very best.

[misty1111]

Just told my girlfriend about a trauma memory that recently surfaced. She did great btw. She listened and said some really supportive and helpful stuff. Then she asked if I wanted to get some aggression out by slapping the beach mat that was covered in sand against the outside of my house to get the sand out. I did and it helped a lot. Remembering is fucking hard sometimes. But I’m so grateful for her. She suggested that I take a shower to help with the “icky” feeling that I was experiencing after talking about it and offered to body double by being in the bathroom with me while I shower. I’m going to go do that now. I think I’m in a depressive episode because I’ve been even more tired than usual and have been sleeping a lot and today is my fourth day since my last shower. I know I’ll likely feel better after my shower but I still feel such an aversion to actually doing it.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[dreamdropsystemarchive]

please.. stop it brain. it won't give us it all. just horrible flashbacks.. it's separated is so many alters

[mg-sytem]

Honestly find it really interesting how everyone is so different on if they want to remember all of their traumas or not.

We've spoken to people that say they absolutely never want to and would rather not know certain things.

We've spoken to people who are the opposite and feel they prefer to know, even if it's painful. Usually because it would help them with closure, or help answer questions they've had about vague feelings and very broken/vague memories.

We've spoken to people who are mixed on this, especially if they have multiple different kinds of traumas. If they've blocked out memories from trauma types A and B, they may want to remember things regarding B, but not A.

And there's of course people who's feelings change on this over time.

It's all just more proof that everyone is different. Every person who has trauma is different and feels their own unique things about it. Continuously trying to box a complex issue into clearly defined boxes of right and wrong is pointless. There's a reason there's so many disorders that can form as a result of trauma, and how you can have some of them and not others. Because we're all fucking different.

-co-host/main protector

[healingpolyphony]

Gotta admit I’m really not a fan of the way our brain is revealing trauma memories rn, where it takes a memory that we have, and just goes “oh ya by the way, this was traumatic”

Partly because it sounds ridiculous. “If I have a memory of course I’d know whether it was inherently traumatic or not.” except here’s me, getting triggered by a song that we sung to our dad on his death bed in our head, and me going this memory isn’t traumatic but the things surrounding it are, typing this out to a friend and going hang on. What do I mean memory of child me with our dying father in hospital after we spent years trying to keep him alive isn’t traumatic

It sounds so fucking obvious but just typing it out made it click and it’s like oh!

And I KNOW that’s the dissociation dissociating. Doing its job. But holy fuck

[deadlittlebatbaby]

[mildew-mop]

it is so fucked up to both have childhood memories and also being an adult with the correct words to describe those childhood memories. like… those things that happened??? bad. :/

i think sometimes people forget that being able to understand something in hindsight is different from how you understood it when it happened.

[house-of-slayterr]

Gotta love crying at 3am while being bombarded with childhood abuse revelations and memories…

[fragmented-light-sys]

im not valid if i cant even decide between panic attacks and emotional flashbacks. its either i obsessively try to prove to myself that im not overestimating my pain and suffering or its me feeling like i dont suffer enough especially because my trauma memories over my 24 years of life were just.. "cut out".

i also hate that i feel like i have to prove to other people that i am truly suffering.

- eon

[agirldying]

Hey Bun,

I hope you're doing okay. I wanted to ask you something about memories from trauma. I don't know if you will be able to answer but maybe you have experienced something similar or may have some advice on this.

Something really strange that I have noticed about a lot of my memories that are associated with traumatic events is that some of them are remembered in 3rd person? I really don't know why this is.

It's like for some of my memories there's like two versions of them, i have the first person memories like from my eyes that i experienced and then some of them i have a third person memory of the experience. Then some of the memories i have both? Or like it's harder for me to remember the first person experience but after some work I can find it?

Idk if you have experienced anything similar or if you know anything about how these types of memories are formed? Sorry this is kinda all over the place I was just wondering about this and if anyone else experiences the same or similar thing.

Thank you as always for everything.

Hey dying weeds,

I also have a lot of 3rd person versions of my trauma memories. Personally I feel like the reason why they're in the 3rd person is because I think it takes the edge off. I've observed myself slightly alter my own memories because the real ones are difficult to sit with. Sometimes I will also find memories that are in first person but some details are different, which I think serves a similar purpose. I wonder if you experience this as well. I think it's all a form of dissociation, where we subconsciously separate ourselves from pain. So by seeing ourselves in the third person for example, we now become someone other than the person experiencing that pain. And even in a case like mine where I have some memories that I know are not exactly how the real ones went, I think it's just another way to remove myself from the actual memory.

I'm glad you brought this up because I haven't seen anyone talk about this before. I did a little research and found that I was right. "[...] first-person memories tend to elicit stronger emotional reactions at the time of recall, and by taking a third-person perspective, we can distance ourselves from the painful experience [...]" (source). "This may be an effective way of dealing with troubling memories by viewing the past from a distance and reducing the intensity of the emotions we feel." (source).

You're definitely not alone. I hope you're doing alright, and I'm here if you need anything.

[unwelcome-ozian]

(POSSIBLE TW!!!!) Hello there Ozian, I'm 21 almost 22 year old fem and my programming is starting to break down, i get little flashes of memories, such as a few second flashback of a girl covered in blood or being penetrated with a finger. I had nightmares of SA throughout my teenage years and would go to bed normally while tucked inside only to wake up upside down on top of the bed. Why is my programming breaking down so early? Is this normal? Do autistic/ADHD ppl programming break down sooner?

I don’t know what your definition of programming is. 

Memories of abuse tend to surface when people are adults, in a safe place, away from their abuser(s) and there is stability in their lives.

Oz