#trauma dumping on the internet

[orchidwilt]

what a time, what a time

(a song-inspired diary entry)

i feel a little nauseous and my hands are shaking

i see hundreds of cars every day working in the drive thru, and sure, every once in a while i’ll see the occasional dark red jeep that reminds me of yours. but i know it’s not your car, because it just never is. i thought you’d know better than to visit the store i worked at, but i guess you probably thought i wouldn’t be there, apparently we were both wrong.

but even though i know it’s not your car, my heart still flips at the sight. the idea of you coming through secretly excited me, i think some romantic part of me hoped you would try to remedy what you did while ordering some chicken.

i remember feeling scared too, like if you would pull through with a girl in your passenger seat or one of your friends that probably wouldn’t even know we knew each other. that’s how i would react realistically, i’d say, like a professional because i’m not getting paid to fulfill my personal vendetta i’m paid to take chicken orders.

i guess that means you’re close by

i saw the jeep roll around the corner far before you saw me i’m sure, and tried to will it to go into another lane so i wouldn’t have to think of it again. but of course, only two cars away was the owner of a crimson red jeep that was sincerely regretting his lane choice with every passing moment.

summer wind ripped through my hair and i straightened up, blinking surprise out of my eyes and tending to the car in front of me. but i knew what was happening, and ready or not you were going to have to talk to me.

my throat is getting dry and my heart is racing

the half second of eye contact we shared was enough to confirm my greatest fear as you stared straight at me. i wish your laser stare had disintegrated me, i really do.

i tried to stall the cars before you as i scrambled to think of how to handle this, but within minutes your tires rolled in front of my feet.

i haven’t been by your side in a minute 

i remember coming out of the dorm hallway through those double doors and down the steps to your tinted windows. but as soon as i tried the door i was met with your smiling face fucking with the locks, every single time. in the nights where i hadn’t smiled in hours and called you to cheer myself up, that stupid prank was usually the first thing to break my mood.

that feels so far away, i suppose now it has been 8 months. but when you came through 6 months ago, you showed me the pain of strangers, to lovers, to strangers again. 

i hate thinking about the way you looked at me. a icy blue wall of waiting for me to speak, lips pursed and eyebrows drawn. you were waiting for me to set the tone, but something in your eyes told me you already knew i wouldn’t pass this opportunity up. i had you trapped. i remember your eyes felt like you were monitoring my response to your presence. that pissed me off, how you ghosted me up until the very moment i had to make the first move.

but i think about it sometimes

“if you don’t have anything to say for yourself then go ahead and order.” my voice sounded strong, fueling to my anger above every other emotion. i pushed my panic down and took his order, a twinge of annoyance present in his tired voice. it made me angrier. i remember flicking his card from his hand, and firing some last remark before walking to my next car. 

each step sent me further into the sky, walking away from someone i used to value but no longer know. details flooded back to me, the freckles on your face and what hung from your rearview mirror. my brain rushed to update my now painful memories of you with more accurate descriptions of your voice and your eyes, and suddenly i was the one that felt trapped.

even though i know it’s not so distant

the panic demanded to be felt. icy blue memory broke my mental dam and i was a flood in a paper cup at the weeks of heartache and confusion i experienced a month before this horrible day. i got through three cars before my hands shook too much to take orders and my breathing in the summer heat was beginning to concern the guest. “take a minute,” she said, and i snapped my head up as i realized she was a real person and i needed to stop interacting with guests before i started crying.

i shoved my shit to my coworker and sped into the restaurant, past your car waiting for your food but i didn’t look back at you, i knew my face was heating up and my efforts were focused on walking tall in case you noticed. i doubt you did.

oh no i still want to reminisce it

i was especially grateful for storage closets for the first time in my life, but hating how my sister in law had to rub my sweaty, shaking back as i blubbered to her about having to take the order of someone from the list of people i never wanted to see again. despite her efforts i was done working for the day and wanted to go take a shower and pack a bowl to take my mind off of it. i’m grateful i was able to leave, less grateful for feeling like taking care of my mental state gave you power.

but i felt like it did. because i went home and told a friend, and just like tonight the memories of our friendship felt visceral in my mind. it bubbles up and i distract myself, but like that day i decided to embrace it tonight and write this clusterfuck of a tumblr post.

i think of the night in the park it was getting dark and we stayed up for hours

we were in your new car then, the brand new crimson jeep you prided yourself on, one hand at 12:00 wrapped loosely around your steering wheel. that was the night we came up with our handshake and i showed you photos of how pretty i could be--but we were just friends, it was just mindless flirting, right? that’s what i thought when we pulled into a neighborhood you dared not to visit since your ex from so many years ago lived here. but we pulled up anyway because i gave you the confidence to show me this ethereal lake you hyped up so much. “the perfect date spot” i thought mainly you showed it to me to brag about being a local.

it was the spot of some magical date with her, and i could soon see why. clamoring out of the car and into the midnight cool air, immediately regretting my thin leggings and letting you get a blanket from your trunk for me. it was rancid, but i was cold and something about the classic florida brush and trees walling off the forest intrigued me.

so we ducked into a seemingly random area of trees near the car and stumbled down some wooden “path”, flashlights dashing wildly to the woods as i freaked you out about animals to ease my own fears. when we finally broke into a clearing that felt straight out of the hunger games, pure moonlight shone in pearlescent blues to the grass below. and the stars, god, you would have never guessed we were standing in the middle of a suburbia in florida. I remember stopping to take it all in when you continued to walk, even before the dock I knew this night would have any girl of yours swooning.

not me, though. because we were just friends, and we were just driving somewhere to clear our heads from our own busy little worlds like we had so many times before. so i walked after you, closing the distance in fear of the neighbors up the hill behind us. and we walked onto the lone dock, overlooking a perfectly secluded lake, a thick tree line separating the tranquil scene from the interstate. it felt straight out of a john green book, and i thought you were going to try to kiss me. the stars over the water were rooting for us, i’m sure of it.

it’s what i thought would happen when we leaned against the wooden railing, and i told you how i felt like i failed as a daughter and a sister, but never as a friend. and how you know, and how much you cared for me and valued our unlikely friendship. we sat on the bench and i pulled my knees into my chest, the smelly blanket draped over me, and i wanted to rest my head on your shoulder. i wish you had tried to kiss me that night, something tells me i would have let you. and looking at it now, i wonder if it would’ve prevented or accelerated our fall from ethereal nights.

what a time, what a time, what a time,

i have the moment on stream clipped where you called and told me to meet you out, mainly to watch the conflict in my eyes and faint hurt from you ignoring me on my birthday thus far. i quickly end stream after that and sprinted a few blocks to the line you were in, and thus began our last night.

i didn’t think i would let it get that far when we were walking to your friend’s car after getting pissed off in the club and you asked if you looked good in your shirt, and i said yes without thinking. you got me good for admitting that one, you little shit. i sat in the drivers seat because it was the same make and model as my car, and we cranked the ac and pulled out a handle of pink whitney. that isn’t what i thought you meant by getting a drink from the car, by the way.

i wasn’t going to indulge you after being distant on my birthday, but i got bored of being sober and gulped it down like the best of them. i’m pretty glad i did, i think it added fuel to the fires. 

you asked to kiss me before i was drunk, and i said no. i said it was too soon, that i wanted to wait a little bit. i was echoing what i had said to my mom and my therapist about you, even though i didn’t really want to wait once i realized i liked you that night. and then we watched college kids stumble from club to club in college town, a typical friday night in the spring but watching it from a parked car somehow made it more glorious. it was helpful to watch something when you made me blush with sudden compliments, the streetlights and neon store fronts making it easier to talk somehow. 

you asked to kiss me again, and i told you on june 18th i’d kiss you but not before then, thinking that hopefully by then your friend will be away and we can pile memories to distance ourselves from how we met. it was almost a plan in my head i thought of for a while, this hope that by the summer everything would work out for us but i didn’t want a relationship before then. maybe that was trivial, but you almost agreed to it too. then pink whitney woke up something within me, and i realized you were right in front of me, looking at me like that and talking in that lower voice about how i was all you could think about. 

i can’t believe that even worked. i think i just wanted it to, wanted it to mean you thought about me even when i wasn’t drunk on my birthday wearing that in a locked car with my hot best friend. you wanted me there and then, so why resist someone i’ve gotten so close with?

our slowburn friendship finally got the better of us that night, no doubt aided with that adult pink lemonade we passed back and forth.

you clinged to my body like you wanted it forever

you had asked to kiss me again, this time i caught your smile with my lips, pulling on that shirt you did look good in and letting low flames flicker in my stomach. you brought your hand up to hold my head into yours, and only then did i realize my hands hadn’t appreciated their perfect compliment enough. our lips danced and pink whitney fizzed on our lips, a taste so delicious i couldn’t believe it took me this long to kiss you. my hands on the side of your neck then in your hair, pulling you in but matching your rhythm, every pressure and touch melting my judgement.

and then your phone went off, because i really am in a john green novel. it was your friend, marching back to his car with some random women i didn’t really want to meet. i think they were fates, shooing me off before i could make more memories that would come back to haunt me.

i remember stepping out of the car to leave and you hugged me, and i think part of my intoxicated brain knew this would be the last good night in a long time. i looked at you in the dark parking lot, the streetlights and storefronts painting the last mental picture i’d have of you smiling at me.

i ran home. with every step i began to lose my breathing, and by the time i got to the dorm i realized what i’d done and how irreparable it could be.

this thought haunts me. that when i got home, part of me knew everything would change for the worse. i cried because if you were like all the others you’d probably walk away at this point.

you said you wouldn’t but you did. and part of me knew you would. for one, you told me about girls for months and i knew you wanted to run or lie when things got complicated. for two, you were never one for keeping secrets from your friend, and i’m sure as soon as you told him what happened the two words for our terrible conclusion were spoken.

what a time, what a time, what a time,

i refused to believe i was right. i called you dozens of time, texted you more, tried to pull together the perfect words to get you to respond. it didn’t work, you never did. i don’t need to tell you that.

i cursed every color into my pillow, face beat red with disappointment and rage and desperation. i cried until my ribs folded up and bled, until i cried dust and my big heart couldn’t ache any more. 

every bone in me wants to spit at how i reacted to you leaving me, but in kinder moments i know you were just the perfect trigger to a manic episode waiting to happen. i was manic because you said you cared but apparently not that much, you said you wouldn’t leave like how i’ve been left before but you did. you were just a trigger, the exact way to unravel me again until i sunk through the floor and into the dirt.

every day that passed, every missed call and unanswered text sent another pang into my heart, another reminder that you really didn’t care. that i was the last to figure it out, and it showed with every embarrassing fail to talk to you. i wish you had just blocked me. it would have been kinder. i wish you had just sent those two words even, i feel like my dumbass would have realized much sooner.

for you and i

but hey that’s bro code  ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

[thequeenrainacorn]

I love my mom, and I know my mom loves me. Shes great about accepting people and has always been an ally to the queer comunity. I have two sisters, both of whom are attracted to multiple genders. They barely had to come out because it was so acceptable in our house.

Which only made it sting harder when I came out as aromantic. Only to be met with something along the lines of, "this is a joke right?"

Not from malicious intent but her genuinely not understanding that that was a thing. She made it clear she loves me after and has never said anything again, but even that sigular moment of rejection hurt so deeply.

Not to mention issues I've had with friends and that one of the above sisters continues to not understand my identity and disrespect it.

It still haunts me everytime I find pride things with no aro flag option.

I feel like we always see parents who are 100% super supportive allies, or parents who are horrible and cruel.  At least in media or in the most popular stories.  But I feel like that ignores just how many people have parents where you just have no idea?  And even if you think they’ll accept you on a surface level, you don’t know if they have a breaking point.  Especially if you need to go on hrt, or request they change the way they think about and refer to you.  Sure they’re liberal and all, or centrists, or “tolerant”, but how far does that stretch?

I think most closeted LGBT+ kids live like this, wading around in the grey area.  I’d like it of more of us knew that was normal, I’d like if we talked about it more.

[wafflekatt89]

I look back and I see a little girl. 

A little girl who laughs and runs and plays. 

She loves to share her stories 

and she knows she can always run to her parents 

if the need arises. 

She feels comfortable around her father 

and she trusts her mother completely. 

Her parents could never do any wrong. 

She was so happy, she forgot. 

She didn’t want to lose that trust. 

Then she was yelled at and hurt. 

Slowly, that faith evaporated. 

That girl stays in her room; 

hiding from the world. 

That little girl grew up and her stories  

are kept close to her chest. 

She deals with her problems on her own. 

Her father makes her uncomfortable and  

she doesn’t trust her mother with how she feels. 

She finally learned what had happened 

on the night she forgot. 

“It doesn’t affect me.” 

 She told herself. 

“I didn’t even remember it.”  

She thought to herself as she cried. 

“Why does it still hurt?”  

She whispers amidst silent, shaking sobs. 

“Why did I trust them?” 

Her eyes are still wet but she’s too tired to cry. 

I look back and I see my descent from 

bliss to comprehension.

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[reignmaefall]

Reblog this to tell whoever you reblogged it from that you're proud of them.

[lilislegacy]

HELP you are so funny for this 🤣💀

I just laughed for 5 minutes straight. I feel like people who don’t pay attention to your random rare lore that you drop in your tags are missing out cause girl you funny as fuck

honestly i forget that some people actually look at my tags LOL. i usually just say random things that come to my mind 😂

[lyndentree63]

Aabria really said, "Let me craft a season that will unearth all kinds of very specific childhood trauma but not in any of the ways you expect."

[cdroloisms]

.

[janeway-lover]

y'all they had Elmo on talk shows and shit talking about this tweet

[redroyalblues]

"So, imagine we're all born with a set of feelings. Some are broader or deeper than others, but for everyone, there's that ground floor, a bottom crust of the pie. That's the maximum depth of feeling you've ever experienced. And then, the worst thing happens to you. The very worst thing that could have happened. The thing you had nightmares about as a child, and you thought, it's all right because that thing will happen to me when I'm older and wiser, and I'll have felt so many feelings by then that this one worst feeling, the worst possible feeling, won't seem so terrible. But it happens to you when you're young. It happens when your brain isn't even fully done cooking—when you've barely experienced anything, really. The worst thing is one of the first big things that ever happens to you in your life. It happens to you, and it goes all the way down to the bottom of what you know how to feel, and it rips it open and carves out this chasm down below to make room. And because you were so young, and because it was one of the first big things to happen in your life, you'll always carry it inside you. Every time something terrible happens to you from then on, it doesn't just stop at the bottom—it goes all the way down."

red white and royal blue, chapter thirteen

[riveriafalll]

Do you ever think back to your childhood and go “hey, my parents actually weren’t that bad?”

And then remember the time you were cleaning out your room and binned a bunch of trinkets along with all the usual bedroom detritus, and they got mad that you didn’t donate the trinkets to charity, so took all the bags out of the bin, dumped them on your bed while you cried hysterically because there were maggots crawling all over your room, and then made you sort through the entire lot, still crying and almost throwing up from the smell, and having to throw maggots down the toilet with toilet paper, until you had a small bag of trinkets that were salvageable?

And then left you in that room after you’d taken all the rubbish back out, and left you crying on your bedroom floor, desperately cleaning with tea towels and shower gel to try and get rid of the smell, and slept on the still damp floor because you weren’t allowed to change your bedsheets until the next day?

Or is that just me?

[the-music-maniac]

random rant incoming

Y'know, while I think the ship of Kazurei is absolutely adorable, I'm also perfectly happy with Kazuki and Rei being purely friends, cause tbh I love the idea of platonic love and unconventional families and two het men not being absolutely terrified of being conceived as gay with that no homo shit because they don't see it as an issue, and just raising a child together with a friend - we need more media representation of platonic love and unconventional families and they're so adorable and I love how the show depicts them already -

H O W E V E R

The homophobic people I've been seeing online going "oh thank god they're not gay, NOW I can watch it" or just refusing to watch it because they STILL think two totally platonic guy best friends raising a kid together is too "gay"????  It's pissing me off. Enough that I want to ship them even harder out of spite - draw a shit ton of Kazurei fanart and make their eyes bleed. I already liked this ship, it's fucking adorable, but my shipping was also 100% casual. Not ride or die. I would be perfectly happy with them as platonic best friends raising an adorable 4 year old. But damn is that petty side of me taking over now.

I understand if people are tired of media putting too much importance on romantic relationships and not enough on platonic, it's an exasperation I totally understand and definitely feel as well. And of course you don't need to watch media that you aren't interested in, and I 100% understand if people just straight up don't like Kazuki and Rei together as anything but platonic because they don't think it fits! All of that is so valid. But I think it's the entitlement in these specific comments that piss me off. The implication of there being too much lgbtq+ rep nowadays, of all of it being too loud, oh no I can't get away from it, oh no, must you turn every single character gay??? You can't see a single straight person on tv! We aren't able to ignore your existence anymore, oh the humanity!  

I hate to break it to these dumbasses, but the internet has been shipping canonically platonic characters together since the beginning of the internet. The only difference is that they don't have any complaints about it if it's a platonic guy and girl friendship that’s being shipped romantically. It's just interesting how they only start finding an issue with romantic relationships overshadowing platonic ones when it's two people of the same gender. And the nature of these types of complaints piss me off because despite how much better lgbtq+ rep has gotten over the years, we are still so far from having enough rep in media. So many people have grown up with heteronormativity shoved so far down their throats (me included) that they didn't even realize what their sexuality was until adulthood! I can't even watch an insta reel of a guy and girl being best friends without the entire comments section talking about how they're secretly in love with each other! People look at me and their automatic reaction is always that I must only like the opposite gender, and if I happen to want to go on a date with a girl in public instead of a guy there will always that part of me that screams unsafe unsafe unsafe. And people can't even handle the existence of a cute little anime about two PLATONIC guy best friends raising a kid, or the existence of a fucking ship that isn't hurting anyone???? Give me a goddamned break

[honeypleasejustkillme]

nothing is real and yet i am attached to the internet like it’s what birthed me

[angelstrawbabie420]

crazy how i have no one

[mallo-person]

Finally realized how fucked up my life wassss

Yippieeeeeeee :D

[pepsimaxolotl]

I often think about how different my life would be if I never roleplayed Pokémon via tumblr ask blogs as a teenager