#he trauma dumped and then talked about our future together

[lilislegacy]

HELP you are so funny for this 🤣💀

I just laughed for 5 minutes straight. I feel like people who don’t pay attention to your random rare lore that you drop in your tags are missing out cause girl you funny as fuck

honestly i forget that some people actually look at my tags LOL. i usually just say random things that come to my mind 😂

[mychlapci]

TFA anon about to dump some TFA BulkOp on you because it’s one of my favorite rarepairs

Really it started out as a series of hookups that started because Optimus was feeling a bit lonely and really need a fat spike absolutely ruining his tight valve and he figured that Bulkhead was the perfect choice (considering that Ratchet was too old therefore not really able to pound him into oblivion like Optimus wanted, Bumblebee being a bit immature for Optimus’ tastes though he had considered it, and Prowl because he was broody)

He was big and strong, a gentle giant, and with a mech of his size he was sure to have a giant spike that could suit Optimus’ needs. So Optimus just casually brought it up one day when they were alone. Bulkhead was stunned but he admitted that he had been feeling lonely as well and like hell he wasn’t gonna pass up on an opportunity to fuck the prettiest bot he had ever met. So that night Bulkhead went into Optimus’ room and the best sex of their lives began.

At some point after they’ve been hooking up for a long time, Optimus starts to develop romantic feelings for Bulkhead. The big guy is just so soft and caring and loving, Optimus can’t help but want more..

Bulkhead deeply admires Optimus for his courage and passion, but his spark does a little twist whenever he blames himself for something out of his control. He just wishes to hold Optimus tight and reassure him that it’s not his fault, whispering lovely things into his ear..

Things get kinda awkward between them after that, just dancing around each other for a bit and avoiding any subjects regarding anything too intimate until Bulkhead accidentally lets it slip that he loves him after another night of passion and he panics for a bit thinking that he fucked up until Optimus admits that he feels the same. Bulkhead is overjoyed and they talk about it for a bit before they decide to see where this goes and they end up dating.

..Which literally NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT.

Yeah those two were the absolute last people anybody expected to have gotten together. In fact, nobody even knew they were hooking up before all of this. The only reason Team Prime found out was because one day Bumblebee walked in on Optimus and Bulkhead making out on the couch and screamed at the top of his lungs in shock and slight horror and who wouldn’t because holy shit my best friend is kissing our leader.

For the next month Bumblebee stared at Bulkhead slightly impressed that he actually landed Bossbot and horrified because holy shit he landed Bossbot. Prowl was just incredibly confused on how the hell THAT happened but was still happy for them and Ratchet kinda had a hunch when Bulkhead and Optimus came into the medbay with a suspicious amount of paint transfers on them.

Optimus and Bulkhead become kinda embarrassed when Bumblebee recovers enough from the “trauma” to start making all sorts of jokes at their expense but they get used to it quickly.

And when Bumblebee asks, yes, they’d answer, the sex is amazing.

Woah. This turned out more wholesome than I thought it would. Anyways, at some point after the war Bulkhead probably knocks up Optimus and that’s how everyone else found out BulkOp was a thing. Bulkhead spends his nights pounding Optimus into oblivion while filling his forge with load after load of transfluid for their future sparkling as Optimus moans and whimpers in pleasure <3

i love how this took a quick turn into breeding kink debauchery. I haven't really considered this ship before, but i'm into it. mhmmm Bulkhead being Optimus gentle giant that'll slide his fat spike into his valve, listening to Optimus' pleas for faster, harder, deeper, slower. Optimus is tight for such a big bot and Bulkhead is almost ridiculously big, so the sex is as amazing Optimus expected...

I love the thought of them making it official but still keeping it on the down low a little, only to be found out by Bumblebee while they were casually feeling each other up on the couch. It's embarrassing, but it's probably for the better that the rest of the team knows. Though once Bee starts making jokes about it, they're not so sure...

I do want Optimus pregnant with Bulkhead's fat baby. He'd make sure to keep Optimus topped up on transfluid to keep the little one growing, so you know Optimus has got quite a baby bump <3

[j0lg]

trauma dump//

i talked to him last night, told him how much I appreciated him and how much I love him, told him how amazing he is and how i’m so thankful about how he was patient with me. we talked about our flaws, we talked normally and slept on the phone. i probably should’ve have reached out to him but god i missed him so much. i missed hearing his voice, i missed his laugh, i just miss him as a person. he told me he still loves me and he’ll be here for me, we were only a little toxic at the end, i just didn’t want him to remember me badly, i want to him to remember the good times we had; when we would stay up talking on the phone just laughing, playing games together, i just don’t want him to think badly about me. he says who knows we might talk again in the future but who knows he just said it in way that he might look for someone new and i asked him but he said no he’s not,, i just said if it really was love for him he wouldn’t try to find someone new in a couple months i don’t know i just think it’s dumb, i love him and he’s the first person i’ve ever felt like this about, i dont want anyone for a long time, i just can’t handle another heartbreak but i guess we’re all different. i just miss him so bad right now, i miss how we were before all the fighting. we could’ve both done better, he could’ve tried to be way more patient sometimes he would lash out on me sometimes. he would misread messages and get mad then start name calling. i could’ve been more affectionate and stop being nonchalant about things. i just love him so much and hope he doesn’t find anyone for a while, because im gonna improve on myself and want him to wait. gonna get th!n and be more affectionate for him.

[jopper-lovechild]

things that exist in my stranger things self-insert universe because my mind is an expansive universe:

- dustin goes to harvard for 2 years until one of his science professors challenges him that there’s no way otherworldly planes exist so dustin starts talking about the upside down and even brings evidence of the upside down and the literal CIA has to show up at his dorm room and force him to leave the college with a boatload of hush money (he drives back to hawkins in a brand new porsche and claudia loses her mind)

- eddie is borderline asexual simply because he does not give a FUCK. like he has sex with his partner if they want but it doesn’t consume him because there’s much more important things to focus on like hyper-analyzing every single metallica song that was ever created

- max is a raging bisexual and has an amicable breakup with lucas sometime in high school. they remain best friends <3

- lucas actually becomes a single dad! he went to ucla to play basketball and knocked up a girl his senior year by accident but she wanted nothing to do with the baby and dumped her onto lucas

- mike and el stay together because they’re trauma-bonded but also because they love each other. will goes to an art school in Indianapolis and moves to europe after graduation, never to be seen again (because i don’t want to think about noah schnapp ever again)

- we came up with this before the screenplay but dustin’s dad is from hawkins and his mom is from new jersey. they met because his dad went to college out there and they both ended up moving back to hawkins after his dad graduated. but then his dad was drafted into the vietnam war and died a month before nixon signed the paris peace treaty which is why claudia is a single-mom

- most of the parents grew up in hawkins together and the real reason ted wheeler is so annoyed at mike’s friends is because he hated their parents growing up and all they do is remind ted of his childhood 💀

- i’ve been dabbling with lucas x dustin and chrissy x robin, not sure yet

- two of our sonas are dating eddie and steve so we made them each have a daughter in the future so we can steddie-ify them lol

[romattraction]

hii !! I honestly felt like talking a bit about this, it's my main dr and how couldn't it be?? it's literally so amazing 💕

info dump about my shared Spiderverse DR !

I was honestly never the big Marvel fan. if anything, I was always one to avoid action or fantasy DR's because I'm the biggest scaredy cat LMAO.

About the DR ✮

but one time my best friend was just talking about this movie which she honestly really loves, and said she wanted to shift there bc of Miles. then I suggested "omg, we should totally shift there together" and she loved the idea so here we are !! Thanks to Miles for being attractive enough for my bestie to want to shift with me 💕

again, I have never been a big superhero fan. in fact, I hadn't even seen a single spiderman movie, INCLUDING the spiderverse saga. I knew the characters because of TikTok but that was pretty much it. I didn't have much of a reason to go there except wanting to see my bestie, we met online a few months and have never met bc of the distance 💔 so yeah, I had pretty much no idea what I was getting into

LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

GIRL IS STUNNING, BEAUTIFUL, BADASS, SNARKY, TRAUMATIZED, CHARISMATIC LIKE- WAS SHE WRITTEN FOR ME???????!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'm telling you guys, she became a whole obsession. I feel like, as a shifting motivator, meeting Gwency and meeting my bestie are like, at the same level. I fucking fell in love. so yeah, that's pretty much how this dr came to be.

My DR self !!

besides being the local high heeled superhero of Mexico City (who is often called Spider Heart by the press !), Aruma Quetzal spends a good chunk of her time to dedicate to her career as Mexico's pop princess 🎤

my universe is set in 2006, I'd be 17 and by then I'd be a well established pop star with three full albums released ! although I don't do long concerts or perform out of the city because of my spider duties. but I'd still do things like modelling gigs, sponsors, red carpets, charities, you name it. I still scripted that I get to have free time so idk how that'll work out LMAO. and of course, a tragic emo backstory to really settle in the fact that I'm a superhero (I did script that my past trauma was healed, if I wanted to be depressed I'd just shift stay here 🙄)

I think it's pretty funny bc, me and my bestie's dr selves are pretty much very alike. we're both latina pop queens who are in love with pink and are also sanrio girlies. but there are also some key differences, like Katsumi (her) living in a future period while Aruma is from the past, or the fact that my bestie really went all out with the TRAGIC backstory 😥, but she's stubborn so whatever pooh bear wants 💕 and of course, our personalities are also what sets us apart, besides appearance.

anyways we're really planning to do our method this months full moon !! I'll keep u guys updated on that 🫶🏽

I wasn't even gonna watch the movies tbh. I wanted to be like, "surprise me!", but in the end I had to watch them to understand how the fuck to make my part of the script. I didn't even think about having a s/o, I was thinking Hobie bc he's hot and punk and all, but when I actually watched the movie.... holy shit. like, HOLY SHIT.

[dgknightblue]

So there is this AU swimming in my head where RVB characters are from different time periods and gets dumped into some place and are forced to interact.

Im not too sure on exact time periods for them, but an approximation of them.

But who is from the future, Wild West, and stuff?

Carolina and Church are future people trying to do something I don’t know what and accidentally pulled people at first before doing it on purpose kind of.

The people they pull they don’t get to choose who fits into what they are looking for.

But things….

All of our lovely sims are in the cast with a few of the freelancers.

Simmons is a trans man stuck in an era that doesn’t support him. He gets pulled after he finally runs a way. Well he was born with one leg and he kind of got hurt so he was bleeding pretty bad. Yeah he was a mess on the floor. He was scared and begged them not to hurt him or drag him back to his father.

I’m thinking he’s a lower aristocrat’s only child that was out of wedlock during a time of arranged marriages and stuff. He has his mother’s knife that his cousin gave him before going overseas for war. His father tells him that he’ll be marrying some merchant’s son named Gene or whatever and be grateful. He hates it and he feels bad being called his name. He likes his grandfathers name more.

Blugh what an xss!

Once he finally calms down and gets patched up, he accepts what’s happening and loves all the mechanisms he’s never seen before.

They all catch on to what he doesn’t see and don’t know what to do. Except Sarge, Kai, Donut, and Grif.

Sarge boasts about doing his own top surgery before growing a beard and enlisting into the army. Simmons finds himself drawn in and in full admiration for some reason.

Kai has Grif’s support, they would absolutely know how to get him accept little things to get him warmed up to the idea of him being him.

Donut is full of support and advice and is very friendly!

They get Simmons out of his shell enough to see his eyes sparkle some times. Sarge makes Grif Simmons’ personal carrier since they don’t have access to a wheelchair.

Grif is just glad Kai and Donut convinced Simmons it was okay to wear pants. He’d trip over that long xss dress that didn’t belong any where near Simmons.

So they end up spending a lot of time together and even sneak off. I can imagine them in the shallows of water at night talking and Grif teaching Simmons how to swim.

They get real close and Tucker and Kai and Donut try to spy on them sometimes. They individually have to cover each others mouths so they don’t blow their cover just to scream , “JUST FXCKING KISS ALREADY!!! DXMN IT!!!”.

Eventually as other things happen Sarge is more than happy to reintroduce Simmons to the group.

When Simmons gets a prosthetic leg, he gets so excited and runs up to Grif and pulls him a way to do what they usually do but Grif doesn’t have to care him any more!

He can still carry him once in a while though <3

On to other people….

Wash gets trauma sometime before getting pulled but I’m not sure which era and what gives him PTSD.

I know I said I was moving on to other people, I want to say this:

Simmons can cook really good, his father thought that was beneath an elite individual and banned him from going to the kitchen ever again.

Tricks and skills he’s learned:

Piano, violin, proper etiquette, dancing, knife things from his cousin, cooking from his mom, sewing from his grandmother, poison and plants from his grandfather.

The only one that has a problem with Simmons is his father and literally has no reason or excuse to be. Too bad Simmons got stuck with his dad being the only family member he had beside his grandmother. She refuses to die simply for Simmons sake until she gets murdered passes from natural causes.

She was actually the only reason he stayed after his cousin was considered KIA. Never found the body though. It’s been years, where did you go?

Simmons finds a book no one listens to him explain. (It’s the manual, for what? Something he has control of now :3) They are in for a surprise :3

Simmons is his cousin’s last name.

Anyways, I don’t want to separate Grif from pizza so he is in time period where there is pizza even if it’s one of the early versions that’s actually called pizza.

He found a thing called Oreos and worship them.

He also wants to kiss Simmons so fxcking bad, but doesn’t see all the signs. Simmons has no personal space with Grif and only Grif. Kai sticks to Simmons side at first to help him out and gradually slides farther a way to help her brother.

One night they find alcohol and they all talk.

They learn Simmons has more unwanted experience than wanted and that the only one that is considered experience (because it was wanted) is Simmons eating a girl out. Simmons is Bi.

Simmons invites Wash to the virgin club along with Doc. Wash declines and Doc agrees.

Tucker has Junior beside him sleeping. His baby boy <3

Carolina and Church still trying to figure out some bull crxp with the unground lab on the island they are on. Some are not helping like they think they are. Caboose.

The library in the villa is where Simmons is during the day when he isn’t with Grif.

Caboose, Donut, Lopez are sometimes making sandcastles competing with Tucker, Junior, Kai.

Grif is in the kitchen making food for Simmons and him when Simmons is in the library.

Wash is training with Sarge and whoever else from the freelancer group I haven’t a clue.

When Locus and Flex show up as antagonists somehow Locus enters the fold. He tries not to get too close to Simmons, Kai, or Junior for reasons.

Donut definitely didn’t throw a water balloon at Grif’s head from across the beach for revenge and spite.

Doc and Dr. Grey are having lessons on being a good doctor when she shows up.

Eventually things pick up when Temple and his (small) group + Zealot soldiers do the thing that start the problems that got them all stuck together.

When things get bad, Simmons realized what the book he found goes to. He summons Tex kind of and he’s under her protection now. He is also learning coding and glad he doesn’t have to go back to his era. He doesn’t exist until now after all.

Learning his cousin becomes the kings advisor was a shock, but he’s glad they are okay.

I didn’t write for everyone because I got stuck at Grimmons moments <3

[go-river-flows]

Welcome back to the Avatar Programme

Part 10 of 13

Summary: Things are ramping up to the war arc of the story, but before that, relationships are being defined.

Warning:A little bit of fluff(?), a little bit of angst(?), A little bit of tears falling(?)

A/N: We're going into the double digits now.

A few weeks after my conversation with Tsu’tey. I had arrived back to Hell’s Gate. I had moved into another bigger room where I had more space to keep some books. I made another easy Dummies Guide to Na’vi for Lyle and anyone else who wanted one. Spending more time of my time with Lyle than my own colleagues. He even taught me how to samba and the flamenco which was quite interesting, also learning that I two left feet. Whenever we had free time, we would find a quiet space where we could cuddle in comfortable silence.

   When Jake completed his rites of passage to claim his ikran in the Hallelujah Mountains, Lyle had finished reading about every types of pandora flora. Even when were lying in bed together he would read reports to keep up with my research, though he had his duties to the Colonel and chores. I feel like something in him has changed, something even Colonel Quaritch didn't see coming. 

As Grace started forwarding me video footage of places on Pandora through the cams, I would look into it. And when the research came in for the Tree of Souls, I was intrigued, having never seen it as it is unrevealed to outsiders. Norm started talking to me again, Jake too. I think maybe, they were beginning to understand my relationship. Maybe they forgave me. 

“Oel ngati kameie,” Jake greeted. Lyle’s eyes widened, as did mine. 

I was having a late night video call with Jake in my bedroom when Lyle came in, greeting me with a kiss on my cheek. I think Jake had come to accept our relationship, especially since that night when I spilled my heart out. I hadn't forgiven them for that. But I didn't tell Lyle about it either, I didn't want to dump all my trauma on him. 

“Oel ngati kameie,” Lyle returned to Jake, perfect pronunciation and all. “It's good to see you man,” he gave a small smile. But I think I can forgive them now.

When Lyle went into the bathroom, Jake spoke again.

“I never really apologised to you that night. I kept thinking about it. I think Tommy would've wanted you to move on,” he gave a sympathetic smile.

“I should apologise to you too. We didn't really talk about it, I just kept it in. I shouldve pulled you aside and just talked, but you know me. Always quiet until I burst,” I smirked, admitting to my faults averting my eyes.

“I think that's what makes you strong,” I looked up at him in awe, “admitting to it. Even when you keep things bottled up. You don't want others to worry. I get it, I was like that too…before Pandora. Before…all this. I'm glad I met you, Tommy would be happy that we met,” he had a genuine smile on his face. He looked just like Tommy, I smiled back too. Finally peaceful and free from melancholy.

After that call, I was ready to be intimate with Lyle. He didn't want to pressure me for it before, but now I was ready. Though I don't want to get into details about it, he was gentle and passionate. His kisses were heated yet soothing. I hadn't realised how long I had went without being pleasured until that moment. And after, he was just as attentive, cleaning me off with a damp towelette before we cuddled. Rubbing small circles on my hip as he lay spooning me.

*

The next day at the canteen. As I sat with Lyle with Zdinarsk were sat together talking about Na’vi’s and their characteristics, mostly about the biology, by which I mean sexual organs which was a weird conversation, but only because Zdinarsk asked so I felt obliged to answer her questions. 

“We were asked to submit our DNA samples yesterday and also to record some weird crap, apparently it's for a future project…project…uh?–” Zdinarsk rambled, forgetting the name of the project.

“Project Pheonix,” Lyle took a bite of his bread, spitting it back out, “Damn stale bread.” 

*

A few days later I joined Grace at Hometree, as one of the witnesses to Jake becoming part of the Omatikaya Clan, becoming a Na’vi man. We stood a distance away watching the na’vi become one as they joined hands. Grace couldn't help but cry a little. We joined in their celebration as the festivities began. The drinks and dancing as music played in the background. Watching Jake drink with his brothers and sisters. 

“I missed this,” Grace mumbled, “Celebrations like this remind me of earth.” She nudged my knee with hers. “Why don't you try being one of the people too?” She leaned towards me.

“Me? Oh no, I couldn't,” I shook my head, my eyes finding Jake as Neytiri pulled him away from the crowd, “Oh. Where do you think they’re going?” I snickered as Grace followed my gaze lightly chuckling too. She gave me a look before shoving my knee, laughing out loud. “I'll go get him.”

As I sauntered after the two through the crowd, Tsu’tey grabbed my hand.

“Tsumuke, I see you. It's been a while again. Why not dance with me?” Tsu’tey walked with me.

“Oh no, I'm a terrible dancer. Plus, I've got to go after Jake…before he does something he’s not supposed to,” I started jogging, Tsu’tey following. Attempting to grab my tail playfully. I playfully pushed him to return to the party.

“I see you’re talking to Grace again. The last time you were here with her, you didn't speak,” the ever observant Tsu’tey said. I rolled my eyes.

“We fought, we made up. That's all that matters,” I pointedly my feet already moving.

“Good.” Was all I heard from him, I waved to him as I walked off into the treeline.

Passing the waterfall on the long flower covered trail, I smelt the air for Jake’s scent as I approached Utraya Mokri, the Tree of Voices, the glowing purple tendrils bright against the evening darkness. Getting closer we can see two figures in the distance. Ah there he is! My ears perked up as we moved closer trying to be silent. Hiding behind a tree, I peered through the tendrils just as Jake an neytiri were making Tsaheylu. Their queues connecting. My smile faltered as I realise what they are doing.

Shit! Uhhh. Ummmm, This is not good, I gasped silently. I should not have come here, how am I going to tell Tsu’tey? I quickly ran back to Hometree. Maybe I should tell Grace. Oh, but she’ll be disappointed again, especially after my outburst. Oh no. I stopped short before Hometree, pacing and scratching the back of my head as I was thinking. I was getting a bad feeling, a really bad feeling.

I called for Grace, pulling her away from the crowd.

“Okay, oaky. I'm coming. Now, what's wrong?” 

“Jake mated with Neytiri,” I said in a rush, but hushed tone, “Like actually bonded with with their queues. This is not good, I've got a bad feeling.”

“What did you say?” a voice said behind us. We turned to find Tsu’tey standing behind us. Our expressions saying all there is to say.

Chapter 11

Taglist:

@sleepilysworld   @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed  @wolfmoon8269  @howlerwolfmax   @lovekeeho   @ducks118   @dyingofcookies   @secretflowerobservation

[blissfulphilospher]

Euphoria Season 1 came out when in class eleventh, the weird space and actually feeling like a teenager doing dumb shit and I actually relate to Rue a lot, I felt like Rue but without drugs (I haven't even touched alcohol outside chemistry lab). But putting that aside I knew we all wanted to be Maddy. I actually even had a great friend like Maddy.

Fast forward to season two, I hated Cassie in it, I could understand her but... And now while waiting for season 3 (yes I am) and on re-watch and reconnecting with my past I realised that I kind of did exactly what I hated Cassie for. I did that before even season 2 released.

So in my 12th class I dated a guy for the first time in my life. I knew what kind of a boy he was. My best friend had a crush on him since ninth... everyone said they would and should be a great couple and he teased things with her for three years while they both had different partners but none serious.

But I probably wasn't in the best place and pandemic was going on so I just agreed to be with him in a relationship because we were those academic rivals who never talked. I was very much invisible for him since we first met but I had this embarrassing Wattpad phase (a nerd being asked out by a popular hot boy?!)

I knew my best friend liked him, she even had this fantasies about their future together since they had same stream, same class. Those got talked in front of me since just like Cassie and Nate our arrangement was secret.

All the stuff I did for his validation from starving myself to not sleeping whole nights... Only to get ignored in hallways and pretend as if we had nothing going on. Its hilarious now.

And yes, at a point my friendship was on verge of falling apart. My others best friend got to know but not her. That was such a trauma for me that I actually cried a whole night and pretty much was just existing for a week before I got ghosted and dumped for not having a guy as my first priority.

Me and friends are now 21 and she still don't know such thing happened until now and I had also pretty much forgetted it all but I just listened to WILDFLOWER by Billie Eilish and I— I called her and cried.

Yes I am crying for myself and Cassie and Billie too if she wrote this song for dating her friend's ex.

I mean imagine dating a guy so horrible that— that you turn to whole other sex for love. That your sexuality change? Or you realise?

And he was a homophobic and player and a red flag I refused to see as every other teenager.

Cassie is a teenager and I think I hated her because her storyline was very much similar to mine and it was being potrayed and I was afraid someone will find out. I think she doesn't deserve the hate when all her life she was the one being objectified for none of her fault. If people refused to see beyond that and yes that carousel scene in the play was unnecessary.

And also no guy can be better than your friend, seriously. I don't where that guy is now but I am still in touch with my friends. She even told me that it doesn't matter now because I am her friend and she knew—

[spritehouse]

it's wip wednesday!

i actually wrote this a while ago bc writer's block is kicking my ass, but an excerpt from this concept

Luke is in the kitchen when Derek gets home, standing under the solitary lamp that hangs over the island, bathed in golden light in the otherwise dark house, wearing only an undershirt and a pair of boxers, his hair unkempt and stubble unshaven, sipping a cup of coffee in silence.

It’s strange how mundane the intimate scene has become since he moved in three months ago in a vain attempt to fill the gaps their partner’s absence left behind, the man Derek had only met a few times between their busy schedules now standing at his counter in the middle of the night, sharing the space where his life is imploding.

“Hey,” Derek sighs, dumping his bag by the door, the dull thump of its contents startling Roxy from her spot under the dining room table, her ears perking up as he regards her owner. “Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah,” Luke nods, his voice rough with unrest and exhaustion, tired eyes tracking the older man into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee, Roxy trailing behind him. “What happened there?”

The agent motions to Derek’s hand as he holds his mug, knuckles bruised with black and blue, the skin split open in some places.

“Lost my temper.” He shrugs, watching Luke set his cup down and cross the kitchen, lips pressed into a worried line as he finds the first-aid kit under the sink.

“Lemme see,” Derek sighs, knowing better than to argue after months of them dancing in vicious cycles and cleaning each other up, offering his hand to the brunette. “Any numbness?”

“No. It hurts to make a fist, though.”

“That will happen when you go around punching walls,” Luke shakes his head, rubbing gentle circles in Derek’s palm as he applies ointment to his split skin. “I doubt that’ll deter you from doing it again, but maybe wear a padded glove next time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” The older man chuckles dryly, leaning over to kiss his company’s head as their fingers intertwine.

It takes Luke a second to react, initially leaning on Derek’s shoulder before pulling himself back to reality, clearing his throat while withdrawing his hand.

They originally moved in together to pick up the slack in each other’s lives that Spencer had to leave behind when he went to prison, filling the empty space, the two of them turning to each other as support to navigate what they’re going through—the trauma of their partner being wrongfully imprisoned. Their intentions were never romantic, but there’s something inherently intimate about existing in each others’ space during one of the worst times in their lives that pulls them together, drawn to each other like gravity.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

They sat down and talked about the possibilities of their budding feelings for each other as soon as they realized they were there, agreeing that they should wait until both of them could sit down with Spencer—when their partner is home and safe, regardless of how far in the future that might be—and possibly longer, depending on how prison takes its toll on him. 

“It’s okay. It helps; I just… I feel guilty about it.”

But they’re both physical people—they need touch—and barely being able to see their partner, never mind touch him– hold him is torture, which tends to blur the line between romantic and platonic on nights like these.

“Me too,” Derek sighs, gently squeezing Luke’s hovering hand. “It just feels wrong that we’re here, and Spence is… I don’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t get to be happy and keep living my life without him. You know?”

“Yeah, I get it,” The agent nods, running a thumb over the older man’s bruised knuckles. “But we’re doing everything we can to get him out of there, and Spence wouldn’t want us to put our lives on hold for him.”

“Easier said than done,” Derek shakes his head, resting his chin on his company’s hair with another sigh, but they both know he’s right; their partner wouldn’t want them to stop living because he isn’t there.

[noirapocalypto]

Trauma Dump. Old memories came up, I need to get them out. Please let me vent in my own safe space.

I was emotionally/romantically involved with someone in my early to mid twenties. Lasted for a decent while. It was long distance, but I did everything I could to save up to get to him. He kept telling me everywhere he was going to take me once I got there, the things we'd do. We planned our future, we kept talking about how excited we were to be together.

Then something happened that was pretty much validated me that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him and that I was the only one taking it seriously. Things never were really the same after that. But I convinced myself that he just panicked or something. I still thought our plans were going to happen. I tolerated a lot that I probably shouldn’t have.

He was really distant after that. We barely spoke. The only affection he showed me was heavily sexual to the point where I got very distressed being complimented the way he would go about it. This, along side the threats of 'leaving' each time I upset him in some way--now that he knew the reaction he would get.

Days turned to weeks. And eventually I stopped hearing from him until he finally sent the last “We should move on, bye” message.

So if I ever worry and stress out about being abandoned, please understand why. If I ever ask if I'm still liked or loved, or if you're happy with me far too much--I don’t do it intentionally, I don’t want to be like that. But please understand I’m terrified of repeating patterns and I'm terrified of feeling that kind of hurt again.

[thoughtsfromouterspace]

I Think I Found The One

Past me would think that this is a love letter and she will be so happy that I finally met the one. But Future me, still unknown.

Sorry, past me. I am writing this during my biggest heartbreak.

"What? Bigger than your first love?"

Yup, WAY bigger than that.

After years of moving on from my first love, who I thought (at the time) was the one, I have grown so much as a person. I learned a lot from that first love. I finally know what pure, unconditional love is. I can finally see myself with kinder eyes, realizing that I am an amazing person. I strive to improve myself every day and am not afraid to be open about myself.

Why did I think he was the one at the time? It's because we were each other's first love. He was the most attractive person into me at the time, and he really showed that he loved me. Again, young love.

"So tell me about this guy that makes you feel this way?"

His name is DAH. He's tall, with amazing arms, a hard-working chef, DJ, and music producer, and handsome. His appearance is exactly what I like in a guy. Besides that, he has the kindest heart. We both share interests in music and film. He's silly and weird. We can talk about random things for hours, play video games, he can play multiple instruments, and he's very smart.

"WHAT? Isn't he like the person you've been manifesting since forever?"

Yes, he is. But sadly, he's a Catholic. His parents are very strict about it. And it's actually the reason why we're currently breaking up.

"Now I understand why you call it the biggest heartbreak."

Yup, kid. This time is different. Young me probably just focused on the things I mentioned above, but 28-year-old me doesn't just see him from that perspective anymore. It's way more than that to think that someone is the one.

"So, do you think he is the one?"

If you ask me now, yes. He is the one. But you wanna know what's funny? During our relationship, months before we broke up, I was lowkey not thinking he was the one. The breakup made me realize that back then, we were both unhappy with our lives. I kept having arguments with people at home, and he was also struggling to get back to working in the kitchen after months of doing office work. At the time, we both ran out of energy to talk about our feelings and couldn't focus on what actually mattered.

Then, later, I finally moved out from the house. I'm currently staying at this beautiful, comfy place that I paid for with my own money (yes, not living rent-free anymore). And I was thinking of a fresh start. Surprise, kid! A week later, I had 2 major plot twists, 2 days in a row.

I got dumped because his mother found out about us. The next day, I went to the OB/GYN and got diagnosed with PCOS (and a possibility of almost having cancer).

I thought I was going to enjoy this place and finally have the freedom I wanted, while spending time with the person I love the most. In reality, I have to clean up my mess again, put pieces of my heart together, and get to the point of losing myself. Like, legit, I lost myself. For the last month, I have not been myself, it's been a past version of me, past pain, past trauma coming back up.

I keep thinking, how did I end up here?

A day before I wrote this, I finally had a realization after going to 3 therapy sessions in a row, because what I thought was our last meet-up was closure, but it was actually a catch-up that made us friends again. I didn't realize that I had so many feelings I hadn't told him, and I also needed to know what he actually felt.

I realized that I hadn't prioritized myself, and that's why I ended up losing myself. He is important to me, and what he's facing is not a small thing. Imagine your own mother hurting you. I know that feeling. This doesn't mean that I changed my mind and don't understand him, but I need him to meet me halfway.

I realized that all the decisions that were made didn't come from both of us agreeing. It's more like me agreeing with him, since I know how much pain he's in. I ignored it when my therapist and friends told me that he left me. I was in denial because I thought he'd still be around, but then I realized that he's not in my life anymore as my partner. I forgot about the other part that I was also in huge, massive pain. I can't lie to myself anymore, and I can't wish that he can read my mind to know how I feel. This is why I arranged another meet-up. This time, I will stand up for myself, and I just believe in Allah, God, and the Universe for the best.

Today, I finally stood up for myself, and I am so proud of it. I have a low-key bad feeling, yet bad feelings are just that, bad feelings. It's my anxiety and amygdala screaming because they feel unsafe. But a bigger part of me is cheering up and clapping hands.

To be honest, I am scared out of my mind right now, but at the same time, I believe in my gut that I have to take this leap. One thing that amazes me and that I always forget about myself is that no matter how scared or whiny I am, I always end up being brave enough to take huge leaps. I have too many scenarios playing out in my head about what will happen after I tell him how I actually feel. But then again, I try to keep reminding myself that I am safe now, the conversation hasn't happened yet, so I'll take it day by day.

This time, it's different for some reason. My heart and brain are sure that he is the one and worth fighting for. I don't want to give up on this yet. All I want is to have a discussion about how we can meet halfway. He wants to break up, but I actually don't. So hopefully, we can find solutions in this.

And that is the reason why I think he is the one. I don't want to lie to myself again, I just want to let it all out.

So wish me luck whenever he gets the chance to meet up with me.

[beneath-the-mask-imagines]

Hi! just wondering may i request an akira x reader where the reader lost her memories by some sort of accident and so doesn't remember who akira or anyone is maybe with some fluff. (it's okay if not ^~^)

A/N; please note I don't know much about this sort of thing so I had to consult our buddy Dr. Google for most of my information on amnesia. thanks!

words; 1,289

mild content warning for brief mentions of an accident and head trauma induced amnesia.

Akira Kurusu [Joker] x amnesiac!S/O;

Accidents were far from uncommon, especially in a city the size that was Tokyo; heavy traffic, the unpredictable public, subways lining the entirety of the underground - it never came as a surprise when some sort of accident occurred, though most never made major news unless they were particularly severe.

Akira had the budding worry that something had happened when you didn't turn up at LeBlanc that afternoon after school like you said you were going to, and that worry only grew as the day went on and you didn't return any of his texts. He fought off the urge to call you, not wanting to interrupt you in case your lack of response was due to you being busy.

Still, though, he couldn't shake off the anxiety that was gnawing at the back of his mind as the afternoon bled into the evening and still he had no word from you - something very unlike you.

After getting the news, he's rushing to the hospital to be with you the second he can, postponing any other plans he had.

Whether it was your family, a guardian, a doctor, a friend - whoever it was that gave him the call, the first thing he asks them when he gets there is if you're okay. What happened and what's going to happen next take a back seat until he knows for certain that you're okay and in one piece.

He won't show it, but his heart silently shatters when he realizes that you don't remember him. While he knows that your memory loss was from head trauma caused by the accident, it doesn’t make it any less painful to hear you ask who he was, and if you knew him. He understands if you're uncomfortable with him being there given that he's pretty much a complete stranger to you at the time, but it doesn’t lessen the knife-like pain to the heart when you look at him, your eyes a swirling with a mix of confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Fortunately, someone else is there to help explain who he was to you, though he's more than understanding if it takes some time for you to process this information. If you were to let him, he'd show you, on your own phone, photos of the two of you together to see if it jogged your memory some.

A form of temporary retrograde amnesia is what the doctor refers to it as; the severity and length of an episode dependent on what the cause was. Most cases were mild and typically resolved themselves within a couple of weeks, and the news that it was temporary was a relief - Akira smiling softly at how your eyes lit up when the doctor confirmed once again for you that you'd regain your memories in the near future.

Of course, this doesn't make it any easier, or any less worrying, at least initially. Akira swears to you he will be by your side as much as he can be, and help you as much as you need and want him to.

First thing's first: making sure you're comfortable, and comfortable with him. He'll stay with you for as long as he's able to, as long as your comfort permits; his voice quiet and gentle as he talks to you. He doesn't try to force anything; instead of asking if you remember him, if you remember this, if you remember that, he instead let's you ask him things, and he explains as simply but as best as he can, showing you photos to corroborate his answers if possible.

Akira does all of the research that he can. He'll talk to Dr. Takemi, check out any books he can get his hands on from the library, spend hours reading articles on his phone, the burn in his eyes from the bright screen in the otherwise dark attic going unnoticed by him as he tries to take in as much information as he can - he's absolutely determined to learn all he can so he can help you as much as possible.

He is so gentle, and so patient when helping you, especially outside of the hospital once you're released. Only with your permission does he share small details about how you are with the others, opting to invite Haru, Makoto, and Ann around before anyone else once you're comfortable with it, as they're much more quiet and calm than the rest of the Thieves. It's one by one though, at least at first, since he doesn't want to overwhelm you.

"This is Ann. She's your friend, and she's come with me to visit you. Is that alright?"

Honestly, he asks Morgana for advice, given how Morgana himself was amnesiac for some time. Even though it's..... not nearly the same given the circumstances surrounding your respective losses of memory, he wants to know if anything helped Morgana remember things about his past - no matter how small - so he can try them with you.

If you're a Thief, there is no way he's letting you back into the Metaverse until you’re completely recovered, no if, ands, or buts about it - he's just not willing to risk you not being ready yet and getting hurt. Of course eventually you'll be able to rejoin the actual infiltrations once you’re recovered, and you'll be included in meetings as your memories slowly come back beforehand, but just nothing that puts you in direct harms way yet. 

His face lights up any time he gets a text from you as you happily proclaim that you remembered something, especially if it was something that involved him. 

Your first date, your first kiss, that one time you two watched a customer accidentally dump their coffee all over themselves at LeBlanc when you were studying - anything, no matter how small or long ago it was, brightens Akira's day to hear that you've remembered.

Akira is smart, perceptive, and very keen when it comes to the world. He's more than aware that not everyone is kind and sincere with their intentions with others, and as a result he keeps an eye out for anyone who tries to take advantage of your state. If he knows that someone harmed you in the past and sees them trying to use your amnesia to get you to let them back on your good side (meaning, they just so happen to forget to mention anything regarding the incident between the two of you while talking you up as if they were one of your closest friends), he's not above using his (unwarranted) status as a delinquent to subtly intimidate them enough that they leave you alone. Whether or not he explains what was up and reminds you of what happened depends entirely on how your recovery is going; he doesn’t want to overwhelm you with the information if it's too soon, but he doesn’t want to keep something important from you if you've been making miles of progress.

Of course, you've retained basic skills such as reading and writing, but you're medically exempt from school for the duration of your recovery. While your health comes first for him, Akira lets you know that if you want to do a little bit of studying, even if it’s just some light reading for half an hour, he’d be more than happy to help you. Unsurprisingly is he a good teacher, and he has miles of patience, so if you were to at all get frustrated with something, he’s there to support and encourage you.

All in all, this boy is there for you, through thick and thin. He loves you with every inch of his heart, and he’s willing to do anything to help you as you get better. 

[marshmallowprotection]

I apologize for this little trauma dump but it would be appreciated if I could get an answer to this!

so my family has been going through financial problems for quite some time now and it's been enough to traumatize me to the point where I have to think a thousand times before I spend any amount of money (not even exaggerating at this point lol) and come up with good financial plans so that it doesn't occur again in my future.

I was wondering how jumin would react to an mc who's dealt with this? who basically has a breakdown everytime she has to spend money on herself, or notices how much jumin spends on gifts for her, or any extra expenses, because she's scared to live through that again. scared that history will repeat itself. how would he comfort her?

thank you in advance! and have a good day/night<33

Jumin has never once know what it feels like to suffer through not having enough money in his life. 

He doesn't know what people are forced to go through but that doesn't mean that he can't empathize or understand how bad it's affected you. There's a large disconnect with what he can understand but he wants to know. He wants to be able to understand. There are a lot of things about the world at large that he doesn't have the context for understanding because it's not something that he personally experienced.

Most importantly, I think if you're just honest and open with him from the start about the distress that you go through. Well, it can be something that can be acknowledged a lot easier. There are certain things that he can support you through, but there are also things that if they get so bad, you need to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows how to help you cope with it. 

By all means, he would be able to get you with someone so you could talk about these fears and the trauma that you experienced as a child. God knows that he needs to work on that himself, so you could also start working on that too. It's only better for you both that way. Your relationship can be better when you're able to acknowledge the pains that you went through. 

Communication is the most important thing in our relationship. So, challenging the things that affect you personally will be able to help you connect with things that bring you together. If you don't tell him outright that you have personal struggles with this, he might pick up on it but he won't know the extent of your duress. 

There are all kinds of love languages and he knows that his is kind of extreme because it's just the way that he's been used to. He knows very well that there are people that can't do the things that he does, but to him, it's not about pity and it's not about just trying to get a handout, it's about caring about the people around him. This is how he shows his affection.

If you don't tell him that this makes you uncomfortable, he doesn't know how to adjust or how to make things better for you. He would never want to make you feel uncomfortable at the end of the day. That is the last thing he would ever want to do. He would pick up on the fact that you would try to tell him that he didn't have to do things like that or that you didn't need something that big, but he wouldn't know how badly it upsets you.

If he knows, he can make adjustments and he can do things that will make you feel a lot more comfortable. He doesn't want to make you feel like you owe him anything or like you should feel bad for the gifts that you received. He does all those things out of love.

If you ever broke down and cried about it, he would feel ashamed of himself for not realizing it sooner. “Darling, if you don’t wish for me to show my love for you this way, I understand. I want to do things that make you happy. I’m afraid I do not know what those are if you don’t tell me... I feel like we’ve shared these words before but reversed... perhaps, we both have much to learn about and confide in. I can do better, darling, we can do better.” 

[traumacatholic]

I just realized something: I'm almost 30 and I'm scared of my dad. He divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage last year, and he's done a complete 180°, to the point I don't recognize him, etc. Trying to talk/interact with him it's like talking to a wall. Most of the time he's either indifferent or aggressive. I think it's best for me to "love at a distance." Maybe cut all ties in the near future? IDK, I'm typing in complete panic. Sorry for the trauma dump.

Hello, apologies for the delay in getting back to you.

When it comes to cutting ties with your family, I think that's a completely personal decision that you're going to have to come to yourself or with the help of a counsellor. Although it's worth noting that a counsellor is just going to help you come to the decision - they're not going to tell you "you absolutely need to do this".

I have no real connection to the family I live with, and I'm much in the same scenario of where they're either completely indifferent (or ignorant) of my existence or openly hostile to it. And there's certainly times where I almost fantasise of getting away and cutting all contact. And other times, I do want that connection to remain open. Because loving abusive family members is so complicated, even if at times we might feel that there's no love in that relationship or connection at all.

In order for people to change, they need to be open to hearing criticism of how they're living and treating others. And unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. There's many different reasons why people might not be open to hearing criticisms of their lifestyle, and I think it's important to remember that regardless of the reason - they hurt you. You do not have to justify your pain. They do not have to mean the pain they have caused you in order for you to be hurt by it and respond accordingly.

I would suggest trying to access counselling, and I'd recommend looking into local charities as they'll often offer free or low cost counselling that's either 1-on-1 or group counselling. Having a clear place that you can go to untangle your complicated thoughts on the topic will be really helpful. And they should be able to help you come to the conclusion that they need to come to.

I don't want to say "cut contact" or "don't cut contact" because ultimately it's something you have to make because it effects you. But I think it's also worth exploring the different options that you actually have available. I'm not sure what dynamic that you have with your family in terms of how often you see them. If you are still living together or living close by, then sometimes something as 'simple' as moving out or moving further away can really freshen up the dynamic and give both people enough space for it to be a healthier relationship. Other times, that might not be the case at all. Although I appreciate that most people can't just up and move away from these kinds of situations. I think it's worth knowing that you can play about with the scale that you reduce contact. You do not immediately have to jump into a 'no' contact approach - but likewise, you don't have to dip your toe in the water, it's completely alright to say "no, he's had his chance, I want nothing more to do with him".

Regardless of your approach, I think it's worth praying for him and yourself in this situation. I'm sure there are a lot of things that you want to say to your dad. There's so much I want to say my family, to tell them how I really feel about what they put me through. How I'd like them to behave, and I just know that it wouldn't be possible to share these things with them. And sometimes that can feel like a suffocating anger and frustration. But we can speak to God about this. We can ask God to make them more aware of the pain that they're putting us through, we can speak to God about the hurt and the confusion and the frustration that we're feeling. God isn't going to respond like they are. And we also need to pray for our own healing, and we can pray for other people in a similar situation too. Uniting our struggles with theirs.

I would also recommend turning to the Saints as well, as many of them experienced complicated and difficult home lives. Even just hearing about other people's stories can be deeply helpful and make us feel a lot less alone. And having them intercede for us can again feel like we're a lot less alone in the situation than we might otherwise feel. Some particular Saints that I think might be a good place to start:

https://blessedisshe.net/blog/litany-saints-difficult-family-situations/

https://aleteia.org/2020/03/07/10-saints-with-dysfunctional-families/

https://www.catholiccompany.com/magazine/four-patron-saints-of-impossible-causes-5915

https://catholicsaintmedals.com/patronage/patron-of-abuse-victims/

and some prayers you might find helpful:

https://connectusfund.org/11-best-catholic-prayers-for-strength-and-guidance

https://connectusfund.org/11-powerful-prayers-for-difficult-situations

I would perhaps particularly recommend: https://www.praymorenovenas.com/mary-undoer-knots-novena

https://catholicnovenaapp.com/novenas/our-lady-of-sorrows-novena/#

http://www.catholictradition.org/Papacy/consolata.htm

--

If you're not religious/Catholic (I sometimes get questions of advice from atheists/agnostics or people from other faiths/denominations, which is completely okay!) then I would still say a lot of the advice is relevant.

When we're struggling through a difficult time, we can often feel like we don't have people to turn to. And sometimes even though we can have people to turn to, they're not in a position to really truly hear us and understand. I would still recommend spending a little bit of each day contemplating and articulating the words that you would like to say to your father. Because otherwise the thoughts can jumble up in our head and make the situation more confusing. You can try addressing them to God if you like, but likewise just articulating them out loud or in your head can be really helpful. Or likewise you can imagine yourself saying these things to your father with the understanding that he can't interrupt or argue against what you have to say.

I'd also likewise recommend looking to other people's stories and situations. I know that it can be easy to fall into the trap of comparing our pain to other people's pains, and we certainly should try and avoid approaching things this way where possible. But knowing that other people have gone through and overcome similar hardships can be really helpful and comforting.

Likewise, I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless

[dingdongitsbees]

BLACK-EYED SUSAN | LEVI X READER HUNGER GAMES AU

Chapter 12: Together

Previous - Next

Tw: attempted suicide

WC: 5.4k Ao3 link Ask to be added to the taglist! It will be updated weekly on Saturdays

Second person version (“you” pronouns) can be found here

Master List

So please hurry, leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで (my chest’s about to burst) / One word from you and I would jump off of this ledge I'm on, baby / Tell me "don't" so I can crawl back in

– Mitski; First love / Late Spring

. 

.

.

“It’s time.”

He didn’t let those words register in his brain and we both knew it. It was cruel enough for me to still be standing there, to look him in the eye before I stepped backwards into the abyss. It was cruel but I couldn’t help myself. If I was going to die, as sure of that decision as I was, I’d like to see him just one last time. If he hated me for it, hated for his best friend to look him in the eye before voluntarily leaving his life, then that was only good. It would help him get over it quicker, help him move on. I’d be dead anyway; I’d be none the wiser.

“Don’t.”

I exhaled.

“If you jump, I will hate you for the rest of my life, don’t you fucking dare.”

I cracked a little smile. “Only one of us is walking out of here Levi.”

“That doesn’t mean I should.”

“Yeah, it does,” I said softly. “This is the least I can do.”

We were in a checkmate. If he tried to run off the ledge himself then I’d meet the ground before he got there. If he tried to get to me to pull me away, it would only be the same. His only option, and his weakest skill, was talking. And he wasn’t going to be able to convince me that he should die instead. No point of cold logic or an abundance of emotion could change that. I’m the one that’s supposed to die.

But still. I hadn’t stepped off the roof just yet and I wasn’t sure why. No, I did, but it didn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of the inevitable.

I wanted to say that three-word phrase with that stupid four-letter word. But that would be even crueller than staring him in the eyes like I was staring down the barrel of a gun.

Even I wasn’t that evil.

“I love you.”

But he was.

My lip quivered and I dropped my sight to the sandstone. How could he? His eyes softened, hitting the critical hit in such few words. If he didn’t know me as well as he did, none of this would have happened, but he did, didn’t he? So of course, despite his lack of tact and dislike of talking, he knew exactly what to say to get me to crumble.

What an asshole.

“Don’t say that.”

He took a step forward. “What? The truth? That I love you?”

I shook my head frantically, covering my ears with my hands like a child. “Fuck off.”

“You know I’ve never been good at that, brat. I love you.”

He took another step.

“Stop it.”

“I love you.” Another.

“Shut up!”

I screwed my eyes shut. Why wasn’t I jumping? I should be jumping. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t fucking do it. Why? Why? Why? Why?

“I hate you,” I mumbled.

“No you don’t.”

I cracked my eyes open. He was standing right below me, looking up to me with that look he always had.

Asshole.

“I could jump off right now and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.”

“But you won’t, will you?”

I gulped. The silence spoke louder than words. He stepped onto the ledge.

“Be careful!” I immediately held onto him with both hands, not letting him out of my grasp. He wasn’t allowed to fall. I was suddenly aware of how far above the ground we truly were. No one could survive this height, that was the plan, but he wasn’t within it.

“I’m not going home if you’re not going to be there.” He held onto my hands tightly, his thumbs brushing over the back of them. “There’s nothing left for me back home anyway.”

My eyebrows sewed together. “What are you talking about?”

“Who do we have at home?”

“What about Hanji-”

“We’ve known her for less than two weeks.”

I was stunned. He was right.

The people that were under Levi’s name in the list of people I cared about were either dead or we had known for only a blip. Hanji, Erwin, even Nick, we hadn’t properly met before two weeks ago. Was the other worth trading for that? Maybe we knew Hannes for a bit, but I couldn’t even kid myself. He was on the list just because he was someone I had talked to, which was far and in between as it was.

My stomach dropped. We really hadn’t had anyone properly in our lives since Farlan and Isabel.

But what sort of an excuse was that? Just because at that exact moment the list of people we cared about was terrifyingly short, it didn’t mean that it couldn’t grow longer for the person who left. The person, Levi, could still have a life.

But then, I thought about if it was me. If I returned, would I be happy? If I had watched his body fall from the tower? Would I be able to move on? Could I deal with everything I had been through without him there? The answer was a resounding no.

And we had always been in sync. I had force myself to accept it would be the same for him.

If I returned without his hand in mine, in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t last very long. It was impossible to know concretely, but the number of things we had experienced, the boat load of trauma dumped on us, would fall like a ton of bricks once one of us got out. And the other wouldn’t be there to help. The amount of grief I would experience would be unmatched by anything in my entire life before or to come.

No one knows the other like we do. No one knows the exact pace of the other’s heart, the exact things that make us tick and the exact things that make us feel safe. No one knows that except for us. And without the other there, we would shatter.

“Then what do we do?”

He tilted his head, his hair falling over half his face as he peered at me.

“Together.”

That lone word shook me to my very core. He had to be joking, surely. There had to be some sort of trick. But when I looked him in those steel-blue eyes, I couldn’t help but believe it.

He’d always been impulsive, always a wrong split-second decision away from death. But he had always made the right one. But now? This wasn’t something purely impulsive, it wasn’t unlikely he had just come up with it, but it was a decision he somehow came to, one I never would have thought would leave his lips.

Together.

Just like we had done everything the in the past years. Where one was, the over was always close by, even here. Maybe that’s why he came in the first place past the reasoning of needing to protect me. It just hadn’t made sense for us to be separated. Where one goes, the other always follows.

Even into the arms of death.

So, we’d face it like we’d faced everything else. Dying was just another challenge for us. Just another room to walk into. It was undoubtedly stupid, but we’d never been ones to be logical when it came to the other. I wouldn’t have an injured leg, he wouldn’t have volunteered, we wouldn’t have kissed each other. I never would have sat on that bench if I had listened to that logic within me, and he wouldn’t have let me stay.

We were both so stupid, but what else was there to expect?

“I love you too, you fucking idiot.”

He chuckled; his lips curled up.

He leant forward and captured my lips with his. He enveloped my waist with his arms while I cupped his hard jaw.

We really were those cliche star-crossed lovers huh?

When he pulled back, he wiped my cheeks with his thumb, taking away tears I hadn’t even realise had spilt. In his lower lashes were some droplets too, ones he didn’t bother to blink away.

Fucking idiots, that’s what we were.

I leant my forehead on his, closing my eyes so all I could feel was him and the breeze. It was just us in this fucked up world.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

We both chanted it like our life depended on it, tearing those words from our system, hoping it would make up for the years in the past and future we never got to say it. Saying it on loop like if we said it one more time the universe would go easy on us for once. But the universe had never been kind, why would it start now?

In front of me was the boy I had spent the best years of my life with, we had grieved, rebelled, laughed and held each other. He was the boy that held my hand when I was scared to fall, the boy that wasn’t afraid of anything, the boy whose kindness hid under his skin to give to those who deserved it. He invaded every inch of my life and soul and I kept him there as long as I could. Levi was the boy I loved. Levi was my best friend.

Was this really the right thing to do?

“Ready?” he asked, holding my face in the palm of his hand, like I was the most precious thing in the world.

I nodded. “Thank you for letting me spend my life with you.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I reached out a hand and caressed the petal behind his ear. Finding those flowers felt like a lifetime ago. Those were different people on that hill. He blinked slowly, letting me drink in his presence one last time.

It would never be enough, even if we lived until we were one hundred, it would never be enough. But it was time, nevertheless.

It was time to say goodbye.

I wasn’t sure who was right anymore, me or Hanji. She was probably ripping her hair out while watching the screen, not wanting to believe her eyes. We were just another pair of tributes, she’d live. Maybe she regretted it now, knowing those three words had caused all this.

It was time to go.

I took a deep breath, not looking anywhere but his eyes.

“See you soon,” I said, giving the biggest smile I could muster.

“See you on the other side.”

I kissed him on the forehead.

“Three,” he whispered.

“Two.”

I was about to lean into the void when the speakers crackled into life and the panicked voice of Floch filled the arena.

“And- and here we have the winners of the 67th Hunger Games!”

We froze. The whites of our eyes expanding forever.

Huh?

We looked to the sky, looking for a mutt, a projection in the sky, something, anything that refuted those words. Nothing came.

A laugh escaped me, and then another, and soon I was sobbing on the ledge of the building that was supposed to be my grave.

Levi quickly pulled us back onto the roof, getting to the centre of the tower like being ten metres from the edge was risky enough. His arms constricted my body, arms like chains around me as he buried his face into my shoulder.

I let laughs rip from me as fat tears streamed down my face.

We got to live. We got to fucking live.

I held onto his back for dear life, my fingernails digging into his skin probably causing welts of blood to erupt but neither of us cared. The fact that he could bleed was a miracle enough.

He pulled back, holding me at arm’s length, looking utterly fucking bewildered, and kissed me as hard as he could, smashing our souls together.

We got to fucking live.

He held me by the waist and spun, letting my feet fly into the air. We spun and spun while we cackled, our unrestrained joy taking up the space around us.

We got to fucking live.

.

The trip back to the Capitol was a whirlwind. We got picked up by a hovercraft, pulled up by masked peacekeepers, and we were immediately deferred to a medical team on board. We sat side by side, hand in hand, as we were looked over and treated, his shoulder and my leg being looked at.

I had forgotten all pain until then, and it finally crashed down as soon as my leg got the medical attention it so desperately needed. I bit into his good shoulder as they put syringes and random shit into my leg, prepping me for surgery when we got back. His shoulder was thankfully fine, only a better diet needed to make a full recovery, something he could now get.

It still hadn’t really kicked in yet. The whole thing felt like a dream. None of it made sense. None of it could be real.

We landed on the top of a skyscraper, now on the roof of the Capitol building we had left a week ago. I was wheeled with haste to the elevator, Levi right on my heels. No one dared to tell him to stay away.

I was pushed through the corridors on the medical centre’s floor and pushed right into a crowd of surgeons and nurses already prepped. They then attempted to get Levi to stay outside the door, but he refused, the Capitol had taken me from him once, he wasn’t going to let them do it a second time no matter how irrational it seemed. They settled for him to sit at the back of the room with a mask on.

I was soon swallowed by darkness as the anaesthesia coursed through my lungs. The last thing I saw was unmoving eyes glued to my face.

I don’t know how long it was until I woke up, light eventually streamed through my eyelids and I winced at its harshness. White light had never been particularly welcoming. When I opened my eyes, it wasn’t just one person I saw waiting for me, but four.

Levi hadn’t even changed yet. Blood was still caked in his hair from my failed attempt of cleaning it out. His stained clothing from the arena still stuck to his form, he hadn’t moved from the room since we came into it. My limp hand was already in his grasp as he sat by my bed, but standing next to him was Hanji, Erwin, and Nick. All three, even the latter, looking overjoyed.

After exploding with thankfulness and happiness and tears, they ripped into us for being idiots despite how tried we clearly were. Levi tried to get them to shut up, but I just laughed. My giggles filled the room, bouncing off sterilised walls and into any passer-by’s ears. The sound of euphoria.

As they smiled at us though, Hanji gnawed her lip, trying to not let whatever was building up in her mind come forward. I was too tired to ask, she’d tell us when she thought it was time, whatever it was. All I wanted to do now was sleep, though not before ordering Levi to go off and have a shower first.

The next day went in and out of consciousness, doctors occasionally came in to check on my progress. I didn’t really care to be honest. They could cut off my leg if they wanted to and I wouldn’t stop them.

I pulled Levi onto the bed around noon, and we laid together, getting the sleep we had desperately missed. The sleep not plagued by fear. We could have been in that ward for hours or days I wouldn’t be able to say. The only thing that gave us a semblance of routine would be when the lights turned off, but I’m not even sure how many times.

Neither of us really talked aside from when doctors or the other three came to visit. We just wanted to hold each other. We hadn’t been hit by nightmares yet, but they were sure to come.

One time when Hanji came in, she asked a question.

“You two definitely don’t have any people you care about at home right?”

We narrowed our eyes and shook our heads.

“No family members? No friends or just general people you were close to?”

We shook our heads again.

“Maybe Hannes?” I said, “But he’s a peacekeeper if that’s relevant?”

She exhaled, her body visibly relaxing. “No, it should be fine then.”

“Hanji?” Levi asked, sitting up.

She swallowed looking between the two of us, unsure whether or not to unload the streams of thoughts running through her mind. She made a decision.

“Not anyone could have pulled off what you guys did without consequences. If you two had people at home…” she paused, looking away, “If you two had people at home, you certainly wouldn’t have got off scot-free.”

I hadn’t even thought about it. Zeke’s face forced itself into my brain, staring down at me like he had during the parade. He was a callous and cruel man, there was no way he didn’t want us dead. To the president, our survival was a blatant fuck you to everything he had built despite the fact it wasn’t our intention. My blood went cold. If we had people back home, they would be dead, no doubt about it.

“You two are the Capitol sweethearts so you’ll be okay. For now.”

“For now?” Levi pressed.

She was at the door, hand on the frame. She looked back over her shoulder. She looked so tired. It was hard to imagine she only barely scraped a few years on us.

“Just…just be careful.”

And with that, she left.

.

After a few days I was given the all-good and was discharged from the tiny hospital. We went up to the penthouse that we had spent a week in, but it all felt so unfamiliar. I kept squinting my eyes, anticipating sand that never came. I looked to where it seemed the most comfortable on the ground instead of the various pieces of furniture around. It was weird.

It was uneventful for about a day before we were told about the victor ceremony. We’d get our “prize” symbolically through a crown I didn’t care for from the man I did not want to see. I was a ball of anxiety as the date crept closer. Levi seemed unbothered to most, but he was clearly on edge ever since that conversation with Hanji. We had to be perfect, we had to be the most complacent and submissive victors in history otherwise we were screwed. We couldn’t have Zeke hate us more than he probably already did. Not to mention it was Levi’s idea to die together that lead to Floch’s dumb decision to let us both live, and Levi had never been the most agreeable person on earth.

He didn’t want to mess it up for us after everything.

I had asked about Floch, half curious to see if he had been secretly executed, but Zeke had decided to be merciful. Hanji said the gamemaker had looked harrowed and gaunt. He had been expecting to die too.

.

The morning of the ceremony was almost as stressful as the game countdown. Each event was counting down to our possible doom if we didn’t act perfectly. Erwin had us in black garments, flowy and light to keep in tune with our district yet to make us look softer and more event appropriate.

Levi’s muscles were stone, he hardly ate anything. I had to force feed him to eat something, but even then he was hesitant.

We went down the elevator, our three-person back up in front of us, ready to take on the world on our behalf. We had done enough. We had been through enough. Hopefully Zeke could indulge that sentiment.

Directors waited for us in front of the giant arch. In another life we had gone through on a chariot with clothes that lit on fire. That was someone else.

A single pitch-black chariot with pitch-black horses to match was on standby for us. The horses shuffled around, faces being stroked by keepers and hand fed grain. I bit my tongue before I accidentally asked where the other eleven were. It was just us now.

I should have been thankful it was twenty-two dead not twenty-three, but it was hard to swallow. It should be zero, but the universe isn’t that kind, especially not to people whose names go on paper slips.

That wasn’t how things worked here.

We made our way over to the chariot hand in hand, the other three speaking to everyone on our behalf. Nick had been surprisingly leading the charge, getting the exact timings and instructions in order to relay them to us himself. Something had changed, just slightly, while we were in that arena. I wondered if he noticed it himself.

We were thankful though, not wanting to speak to anyone involved in the process of our attempted execution. We could only trust those three. It didn’t matter if our names had been the only thing exchanged on every Capitol show between every news anchor and host, it didn’t matter that they were screaming our names and throwing yellow flowers outside the giant arch. They had wanted us dead. They did not get our affection.

The horses were alright though, I patted the back of one on top of the mobile platform. Their hair was brushed and shampooed to perfection as if anyone would properly see it or touch it except for us.

Horses got better treatment than us. I couldn’t even smile at my own joke.

The doors to the arch began to swing open and we stood up straight, looking ahead, as the screams tore through the air. They were so fucking loud. I had heard too many screams, my own and others over the past few days, I didn’t need to hear more.

Just shut up.

I wanted to run into the audience and throttle them, get them to understand we weren’t untouchable characters. We were fucking people. We were kids and they had sent us to die. Why couldn’t they fucking get it?

“Do you think they know?”

“Know what?”

“That what they’re doing is wrong? I mean obviously people like Zeke do but… what about just the normal people? Do they know?”

“They should, but no.”

Fucking idiots. Blind and unthinking idiots.

The chariot lurched forward, and his hand laced with mine. Show time. When we passed out of the arch, I stretched my grin until my cheeks began to ache.

Please don’t kill us.

I waved to everyone around us as they threw objects I didn’t even bother to process as long as they didn’t come near my face. Levi peered over the crowd, trapping his scowl from protruding. His fingers tightened around mine.

Please don’t kill us.

We got to the end of road. We looked up to the giant platform that the president and his associates stood upon, staring down at us. Zeke caught my eye and I smiled even wider, my eyes crinkling.

Please don’t kill us.

We exited the chariot, grip bone crushing, as we walked up the stairs. It took all I had to not trip, to not let my mind wander as a coping mechanism. Levi kept me steady, though perhaps I was just a focal point for him.

When we got to the top, we went right to the edge of the platform like we had been told, right in front of Zeke. I wanted to throw up. The height was dizzyingly high with no barrier. It was lower than the towers in the arena, but it was even scarier. If he wanted to, Zeke could push us right off. He looked tempted, but he didn’t.

We both bowed, falling onto one knee, hesitantly letting go of the other. I stared at Zeke’s polished shoes, watching them shift across the ground. I flinched as a circle of coldness met my scalp. The crown was lighter than I expected, but the edges dug into back of my ears. I wondered if Zeke pushed down on it if could it cut my ears clean off. But he didn’t. He moved over to Levi and placed an identical silver crown on top of his head.

The crowd roared as we stood up and faced them, hands instinctually interlocking again. It was so goddamn loud. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and press my hands to my ears and scream at all of them to be quiet. But I didn’t.

Zeke raised a hand, ironically being my hero, and silencing the crowd. He held the mic to his face, his smiling face projecting across screens.

“Today, we celebrate an unforgettable and unprecedented moment in history,” he spoke, “There is not one, but two victors for the 67th Hunger Games. I’m sure no other pair deserves it more than these two right next to me.”

The crowd applauded. I wanted to punch him.

“I, and I assume many of you, learnt much watching the game this year. We learnt the importance and unrivalled power of a strong and trusting bond, a bond forged in iron over years. We learnt the power of love.”

The crowd screamed. Levi looked like he was two second from choking him out.

Zeke looked to us, a smile on his lips but pure distaste and amusement in his eyes. “You two found love in the unlikeliest of place, I hope you learn to use it well.”

His eyes studied us. I didn’t let my eyes waver. We were safe, but we were on thin fucking ice. Had he thought our relationship was an act, if he had even doubted it for a second, if he thought it was one big con as a screw over to the system, we would not be standing there.  

“My beloved citizens, can we get another round of applause for the victors of the 67th Hunger Games!”

.

When we were back inside, I gulped litres of air, desperately trying to get oxygen back into my lungs. Levi held me gently to his chest, hand rubbing my back. Who knew breathing was so hard, huh?

Hanji ran over, bottle of water in hand which we both chugged eagerly.

.

We didn’t leave each other’s sight. Never. We slept in the same bed, we ate together, we bathed together, we didn’t leave each other’s sight. For all we knew, a hitman or some undercover titan would slit our throats when we least expected it. We couldn’t die. Not yet, not anymore.

I was more certain that death was right around the corner than at any point in the arena. There’s not a designated winner in the game of life, not when Zeke was the gamemaker.

.

Hanji and Erwin had pulled every string they had to avoid us getting interviews except for Willy’s show, it was the only thing they hadn’t wrestled out of, though it was a given that we needed to go onto it.

I smoothed down Levi’s shirt backstage, fussing over him so I had something to do with my hands. He stood silently, letting me do what I needed to do.

We didn’t want to talk to anyone about what happened in that arena. We hadn’t even spoken to each other about it. I didn’t need to recall the people I killed; they were all I could think about anyway. Hanji had contacted Willy a few days before the show, begging him to not focus on the murders or any of the other tributes. Surprisingly, he had agreed with no complaints.

Maybe not all of the Capitol was bad. Maybe some understood.

He had already sent over a rough run down of the questions he’d ask, but also told us that there would be an audience question time, something that was out of the production team’s control, so we’d have to be ready.

Most of the interview went smoothly as we had practiced in the penthouse. Answers bled from our mouths that we had preprepared and then practiced to make them sound spontaneous and casual. But as it dragged on, questions about what we liked in the other, fond memories, fears of confessing, were just bricks piling on top of each other, ready to collapse when it was the audience’s turn. Levi’s knuckles had gone white in his empty fist.

I took a sharp breath when a microphone was going in between the seats of Capitol watchers. Most copied in style of Willy’s, just being light-hearted, but the last did not follow the trend.

“Were you two really going to jump off the roof together?”

Everyone went silent as the audience member’s eyes peered at us. I swallowed, digesting what I needed to say.

“Well, not really, at least I hope not,” I said. Levi, Willy and everyone looked to me in confusion. “I had planned to push him back onto the roof as I fell, not sure if it would have worked, probably not, but it was the plan.”

The audience gasped melodramatically.

Willy cocked his head to the man next to me. “Levi?”

His hand was shaking, his eyes wouldn’t move from mine. “I was going to do the same thing.”

The audience laughed, Willy laughed, Zeke probably laughed.

We stared at each other wide-eyed, in utter shock as the hall erupted into cackles and giggles, incredibly overwhelming yet it was deafening silent in the centimetres between one another. We really were idiots, weren’t we?

.

The interview was the last stop on the Capitol showing. It was time to go home. Home.

Erwin and Nick came to say goodbye to us at the station. It had been blocked off from people wanting to get a glimpse of us, our “biggest fans” apparently, so we were left in relative peace as we bid farewell. Erwin brought both of us into soft hugs, his large arms cradling me. Nick shook our hands, stammering out how proud he was of us despite how annoying and disregarding of rules we were. His eyes had been red rimmed, so were Erwin’s now that I thought about it.

Hanji, Levi and I, hopped onto the train, and let the doors to the Capitol slide shut behind us with a hiss. Hoping it would be a long, long time, until we had to see it again.

Hanji left us to our own devices, letting us lounge and eat and sleep and do whatever we wanted, and we did exactly that. We had a lifetime of peace to make up for the weeks of hell. It would never be enough to make up for it.

I leant on Levi’s shoulder as I watched the trees fly by out the window, turning to an abstract green blur. “You do actually love me right?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Just wanted to make sure! Who knows, maybe you became an award-winning actor overnight.”

He flicked me on the forehead and I just laughed. I nestled my head further into the crook of his neck.

“Let’s promise to never do something like this again yeah?” I said, “You’ve given me enough heart attacks for a lifetime.”

“As long as you promise not to do anything stupid.”

“Well, we both know neither of us have been good at that.”

He huffed and crossed his arms but leant his head on mine.

The green outside looked so pretty; trees, flowers, birds, I had missed it. But what we were returning back to would not be the life we had before, for better and for worse. But it would be okay, because we were together, the other in hand like we always had.

It would be okay. It had to be.

Please.

.

[END OF BOOK ONE]

a/n: well damn we’re now at the end of the first book! i’ll be continuing the series right to end as far as i know so it’s not stopping here! thank you for the support so far i hope you all continue to enjoy it!

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[shimmershae]

Some, okay a lot, of pre-mid season (tri? season) finale thoughts.  As if you actually asked for them, lol.

And no, I haven’t actually watched the last episode yet.  I’ve been putting it off all morning.  For reasons.  Reasons that I felt the inexplicable need to put on paper, er, screen.  

If you care at all to read the purging of my fatigued TWD fangirl mind, please look beneath the cut.  Fair warning.  It’s long so pull up a chair maybe, lol.  

I’ll admit it.  The spoilers indicating a significant lack of Carol/Melissa content has dampened much of my enthusiasm and there wasn’t all that much to start with.  

Let me tell you why--

The season, so far, has been woefully unbalanced in favor of the Reaper storyline and the Maggie/Negan conflict (which ties back to the Reaper storyline by the flimsiest of strings) and I’m just not invested.  

Why?  

Well, it’s multifold.  

#1 reason why?  Having a third of the last season ever of TWD devoted to going inside “the lions’ den” of villains I have no emotional connection to or curiosity about is a big fat fail.  

You might say “but there’s the Daryl double agent” aspect and I say “so fucking what” because it was so poorly conceived and has felt like such a WTF set of fraying puppet strings for this plot Angela was apparently jonesing to tell from the GO, damn the torpedoes she had to know where inevitably coming her way.  

Seriously.  I had talked myself into accepting that which I could not change, citing Daryl’s emotional brokenness after Rick.  Convincing myself he’d lost his anchor to goodness and hope and fulfillment in his years of self-imposed exile from Carol and what was left of his family and to a certain extent?  I can still by that explanation.  But really.  It’s the Leah of it all.  

Let me attempt to explain.  

To do that, maybe I should detail how I’ve always perceived Daryl.  

Daryl, IMHO, began this journey with us and the rest of Team Family with a figurative fortress erected around his true, core self.  

He was prickly.  Defensive to any overtures of kindness because he inherently did not trust them.  Loathe to form any real connection to anyone other than Merle, his blood.  

Daryl balked at the possibility of emotional connection and flinched in learned fear from physical touch.  

He did not recognize or accept affection or respect at face value because it was something rarely shown to him before.  

Anybody else remember that childhood abuse book from Consumed?  You know.  One of those first times the showrunners/writers dumped a character nugget in our laps and left it to us to do all the backstory in our own imaginations so they didn’t have to enrich their own characters beyond the scratch and sniff, wham bam this is who they are work?  

Anyway.  We were left to extrapolate from that what most of us h ad already suspected--that Daryl’s formative years were already a living hell before the ZA ever happened.  

So he was standoffish.  He didn’t form emotional connections lightly and physical intimacy was something light years out of his comfort zone.  

Until Carol.  

Daryl’s defenses started to crumble from the very start with Carol because she piqued his interest.  He looked at her, watched her withstand Ed’s abuse, and recognized something of himself.  

Against his will, Daryl started to care and when Carol lost the one good thing that had come out of her miserable life with Ed--Sophia--Daryl’s core identity started to be revealed to us and probably?  To himself after burying it so deep for so long.  

Long story short?  Daryl connected with Carol pretty quickly on a base level through the trauma of Sophia’s loss.  

The real connection, the emotional work it too to peel all those protective layers away took more like--like planting a flower from seed and tending it to help it survive and flourish.  

Simply said?  The work was put in and Daryl bloomed with Carol’s (and Team Family’s) care.  They all put in varying degrees of work but Carol planted the seed of his “belonging.”  

And the thing about Daryl?  Once he bloomed?  He grew strong.  He stretched toward the sun.  

He and Carol essentially bloomed and fought their way toward the sunlight together.  

And little by little, Daryl learned to accept the kindness, trust, and love he always deserved.  

From that newly confident man emerged a Daryl not so fearful of forming connections and none have ever been more powerful than his connection to Carol.  

I’ll spare ya’ll the paragraphs of how Daryl and Carol gravitated toward each other like magnets no matter the means of separation.  

I’ll just spell it out like this:  their bond supersedes all others, even Daryl’s bond with Rick.  And with Daryl only accepting affection from those he trusts implicitly, Carol and Daryl have been the only potential “romantic” pairing that has ever fully made sense for his established character.  

At least the character before Angela launched the grenade of Leah into the mix.  

Leah was a fail from the start.  

And you know what?  I’m thinking that was largely intended (for various reasons) but I still think they could have shown Daryl as receptive to having a “romantic” relationship to those willfully blind to the possibility that he’s actually been in a “romantic” relationship with Carol since Season 2.  Never mind that Carol and Daryl haven’t (yet) crossed certain physical boundaries yet.  Emotionally? They are already there even if neither is able to admit it out loud with the actual words yet.  But I digress.  The people that never wanted to “see” Carol and Daryl as “romantic” because they couldn’t fathom Daryl as seeing Carol in that light had already deemed that Daryl just didn’t feel that way about her, that maybe he didn’t feel that way about anybody (if they couldn’t have their way and have him feel that way about their preferred choice for him, they preferred him alone), and Angela wanted to show them differently.  To show them the light.  

That said, if Angela was so hellbent on doing Leah?  There were a multitude of better ways.  

Here.  I’ll give you one of them.  

Daryl isolates himself from his family after Rick’s “death” same as he did in Angela’s version.  

Carol’s been being pulled more and more to the Kingdom because Henry’s needing a mother figure is like catnip to her hurting natural-born, hurting Mama’s heart.  So Daryl’s anchor to the man he’d matured into, the one with all these earned emotional attachments, is reeled back in, little by little, leaving him unmoored.  

Dog literally runs into him just as before.  It hardly makes sense given how young and floppy and uncoordinated puppies are and thus vulnerable to danger, but this is the least of things we need to worry about suspending disbelief for right?  ;)

Dog and Daryl continue to have these run ins until Daryl decides to retrace the puppy’s clumsy trail and viola!  He finds Leah’s cabin and Leah inside.  She levels the same shotgun at him, they have a standoff, until---

Leah suddenly lowers the gun and incredulously says Daryl’s name.  

That’s right.  One simple change and Daryl and Leah have an undefined past already.  

Daryl doesn’t completely let his guard down because he’s Daryl, but he relaxes enough that we see he doesn’t immediately regard Leah as dangerious to his own well-being.  

From that point on, instead of tying Daryl up and threatening him, we could have been told the story of how they knew each other from before.  

My version goes a little something like this--

Daryl met Leah through Merle.  Merle, in turn, met Leah through the military before he got discharged.  He and Leah had an ongoing “I scratch your itch if you scratch mine” thing and Leah?  Well, she always had a bit of a soft spot/interest in Daryl that Daryl never really returned.  

The thing is, though?  With losing the chosen brother that filled the hole left behind by his lost blood brother Merle and losing Carol to her chasing after a chance of a new family (because she feels Daryl’s out of her reach too, our too blind and stupidly, silently in love idiots)?  Daryl finds himself embracing the shared memories however minimal of that brief past and his grief and loneliness leave him receptive to Leah’s eventual advances in ways he never was before.  

We’re still given hints of their unfolding relationship and we still don’t like it, but it makes more sense for Daryl to cling to the past when he feels he’s lost his future.  

Leah still gives her ultimatum (there’s a reason she gravitated toward Merle in perhaps his most toxic state, she’s more than a little fucked up too) and it’s not as much of a hard sell that Daryl might be pulled in Leah’s direction when he feels Carol is all but lost to him.  

Hell.  They could have even explicitly discussed Carol.  But wait!  Angela would have never allowed that because she doesn’t want to shatter all the crackship dreams in one fell swoop.  

But the story from that point on could have continued just as it has and probably I still wouldn’t have liked it but I could have at least bought it somewhat and understood it.  

Obviously, it didn’t. 

I don’t buy the Leah of it all.  Angela built that “relationship” with monopoly money and it shows.  

Because I don’t buy Leah period.  I don’t buy Daryl giving even giving a shit about trying to or feeling like there’s a snowball’s chance to redeem her so I’m not engaged whatsoever with this Daryl double agent story and him even givign her crumbs about his real family.  

That part rings false.  

So that’s a big problem right there and we haven’t even gotten to the other part I don’t buy.  

You know what else I don’t buy?  

#2?  

Why the hell are the Reapers so bloodthirsty for Maggie’s departure from this mortal coil?  

Without giving better reasoning than they’re just cray-cray, the entire faceplants and considering it’s taken up about 70% of 11A’s focus?  I’m pissed.  

Because, IMHO, they should go big or go home on this to give it any entertainment value because it’s all stale, recycled air if not.  

Maggie’s been established as a much darker character this season.  Which led me to believer the Reapers probably had a legit beef against her, but it seems Angela is reluctant to go all that way down the rabbit hole and doesn’t want to commit to what could be a more entertaining and potentially fascinating story than just Maggie’s in the right, the Reapers are just evil.  

Maggie is right about Negan, IMHO, but she’s also wrong in not listening to him when what he’s saying reeks of simple common sense.  Ignoring sage advice makes her seem more like an angry toddler stamping her feet in defiance than the leader they are so bound and determined to tell us she is.  

You know what?  The window for me to give more than the half a fuck I’m giving right now as they beat this dead horse to dust closed when Maggie decided letting Negan rot in the ASZ jail cell was enough and spared him when she finally had her best chance to end him once and for all.  

Maybe if they stopped having the same damn conversation and they didn’t take up 20% of the screen time left after the boring Reapers/Leah shit, I would be less resentful but I’m not and again, I’ll tell you why.  

BECAUSE.  We are in the last season of the OG TWD ever and this show has chosen to waste screen time on stories nobody cares about to the exclusion of the ones we’re yearning for more of.  

Like ASZ.  We’ve barely seen more than an hour of the eight hours devoted to Carol, Aaron, Rosita, Lydia, Judith, Kelly, Jerry and Co. in total.  Especially since they’ve been trying to establish the Commonwealth on the side, too.  

I mean, I never really expected to dig the Commonwealth so my expectations for it were lower than low so they’ve been exceeded at a miniscule level.  But I expected and hoped for ASZ and those characters we’ve cared the most about to receive much more emphasis and the fact that they haven’t in this last season so far has been the biggest FAIL.  

And okay.  Selfishly, I want more Carol.  She’s like salt.  She makes almost everything go down better.  

But really. Give me more of all the characters we actually care about, please.  The Reapers and the offshoots from that story wheel aren’t it.  I love Daryl but I hate this retread story for him.  Leah is a weak point that pressed upon?  Makes this weak ass arc collapse.  Maggie and Negan are giving us nothing new.  They are the definition of the word STALEMATE and that’s not what you want or need on the finale season of a show.  

Yes, I have enjoyed the majority of the episodes overall, but that was because the moments I loved I weighted more than the ones I didn’t and know they have the most impact on the show down the road.  

Probably 11A will fare better when all is said and done and the show can be binged but standalone?  It’s been an overall disappointment and that saddens me more than I can say.  

Anyway.  I’m going to stop rambling now and try to psyche myself up for episode 8.  I’ll be back with thoughts on it later, maybe.  

Sorry for the word vomit, but I felt maybe I could in someway give voice to some of the feelings floating around out there and let you know that you are not alone.  

Until later, lovelies.