#but the representation of grief/losing a parent young just

[redroyalblues]

"So, imagine we're all born with a set of feelings. Some are broader or deeper than others, but for everyone, there's that ground floor, a bottom crust of the pie. That's the maximum depth of feeling you've ever experienced. And then, the worst thing happens to you. The very worst thing that could have happened. The thing you had nightmares about as a child, and you thought, it's all right because that thing will happen to me when I'm older and wiser, and I'll have felt so many feelings by then that this one worst feeling, the worst possible feeling, won't seem so terrible. But it happens to you when you're young. It happens when your brain isn't even fully done cooking—when you've barely experienced anything, really. The worst thing is one of the first big things that ever happens to you in your life. It happens to you, and it goes all the way down to the bottom of what you know how to feel, and it rips it open and carves out this chasm down below to make room. And because you were so young, and because it was one of the first big things to happen in your life, you'll always carry it inside you. Every time something terrible happens to you from then on, it doesn't just stop at the bottom—it goes all the way down."

red white and royal blue, chapter thirteen

[dairy-farmer]

Another stalker/civilian Au~!

Its an Au where Bruce get thrown into some multi-verse adventure with a few other Batmen, not long into his grief spiral? And between Climactic Battles(tm) they try to tell him to be... less harsh, on his Tim? Because they know he is them. He won't listen if they say Be Nice. He's raging and full of grief.

And he's like? Tim? Timothy Drake. The neighbors child who should be in Morocco, THAT Tim?

Yep. He becomes your next Robin. They ALL tell him. Because *various explanations basicly boiling down too "you publicly lose your shit in grief"*. And? Bruce has time to work through his immediate, VIOLENT denial? While on that adventure?

Comes back having reached a stage of "Absolutely Not. No More Robins." Not because it's TIM, but because he refuses to lose another kid? But ALSO? He's now Hyper Aware of this kid?

That's HIS kid.

He has to PROTECT that kid from trying to become Robin. From trying to join the Caped lifestyle. So he, now that he's no longer risking just destroying just HIMSELF, drags himself together. Painfully, slowly, and with help, but he does it. Is he okay? Not remotely. But he slowly gets functioning again.

Twitchs everytime Tim looks too hard in his direction. Seems too concerned.

He carefully manipulates Tim's school to offer better and better distractions. Opportunities for growth and too entice. Photography, engineering, languages, skating, game creation. Anything.

He monitors Tim too and from school. Stops purse snatching and petty crimes far before Tim ever sees them. Makes SURE there will never be any call to action for his boy. No great tragedy.

Then, of course, the universe (as it tends too) spits on his efforts in mockery. Tim's parent are kidnapped, killed, by a madman. He is orphaned, like Bruce was. Left with too much wealth and few to protect him from those who would take it. It's like looking into a mirror of the past.

He steps up.

His lawyers vicious, the will, a forgery they'll never be able to prove is fake. They KNOW it is. Because they destroyed the original. However, his fake is better then theirs. His lawyers far more bloodthirsty. He sees most of the Drake Industries board in jail by the end of the month.

But... Timothy Drake is not his son. He's his foster child.

One who avoids him.

Who chokes on the secrets he KNOWS, but doesn't know, Bruce knows he knows. Who mourns his parents. Who's trying to hold on to the shreds of his life. Bruce watches him through the Manor cameras and obsesses. So small. So sad. They have both lost so much.

It is almost... perverse, the weight that lifts from Bruce's shoulders, when he drags his weary body back to the cave each night. After brutal patrols and the untold horrors man visits upon man. And he can just? Flip on the cameras. Find Tim. Curled warm and soft, safe and alive, in his bed. Playing some game, later then he should, as young men do. Sneaking a snack.

The living representation of what he's fighting for.

But Dick comes back, raging through and misunderstanding. Thinks Tim is Robin. Lashes out. The shouting echoes. By the time everything is cleared up, Tim has already quietly found himself a boarding school abroad. Dick is devastated. Feels like a monster. Bruce wants to refuse. But whispers of another break out on TOP of League of Assassins agents being spotted lurking around?

He hates it, but agrees.

It's a miserable slog of time after that. Report cards and updates the only highlights. A crime lord that turns out to be his dead son appears. A BIOLOGICAL Son that hounds him to be Robin appears. Eventually Tim returns. Technically, aged out of the foster system.

As though Bruce would ever let go so easily.

He welcomes him home at the airport. His boy, grown into his slender frame and delicate features. Wants to drive him to the Manor but drives him to the upper class apartment Tim has bought himself instead.

Adjusts his patrol routes mentally.

Learns, through his planted cameras, that Tim's schoolmates have been a TERRIBLE influence. Casual nudity, sprawling hedonistic nights of take-out and wine, and most concerning? Mentions of "hook ups" he will be missing, over the phone. Bruce is appalled. How did he MISS this?

Sure, Tim cleans up well. Presents himself as reserved if flirtatious in the boardroom. Is now working to seize control of his birthright. But... but...!

Bruce is conflicted. But can not tear his eyes away, as he reviews the surveillance from the Welcome Home gala he threw for Tim. Was it coincidence? Or intentional. That every "hot young thing", as it were, that Tim pulled into a side room to fuck him throughout the night. Was the civilian identity of a Cape?

Bruce, as he tends to, gets obsessed. Watches as Tim is fucked by hooks and lovers alike. As he pleasures himself in his home, works in his office, commutes to and from work.

Maybe it gets weird. Because of course it does. Maybe Damian volunteers, after noticing his Father's obsession, in hopes of gaining som of that attention for himself. Seduces Drake. Finds they have a lot in common. Fucks him knowing his Father is watching. Realizes he is IN to that. That he enjoys the murmured commands of his Father in his ear, telling him how best to earn his approval.

Maybe it's just Bruce. Who finally shows up as Batman. And they pretend. That Tim doesn't know. That Bruce doesn't know he knows. And Bruce rocks his world.

However it ends? Tim is a kept man. Batmans secret civilian lover. And he gets WEIRD about it~☆

-🐼🐼🐼

it would be just like bruce to get weird over it especially since, whether he realized it or not, he's formed a pretty severe complex over tim 😩😩😩

[bracketsoffear]

Harrowhawk Nonagesimus (The Locked Tomb) "Why Harrowhark specifically, out of the story about necromancers powered by the energy emited from death? She's the heir of a house where just about everyone is incredibly old, and their religion and meagre social life seems to be primarily holding funerals. Why is she one of the only young adults? Because her power at necromancy comes from her parents murdering the 200 other children on the planet and using the energy from their deaths to conceive her. She puppetted her dead parents' bodies for years, starting as a kid, when she broke into the tomb that no one was supposed to be able to get into and fell in love with the revenant of the destroyed earth crammed into barbie human form, who has been haunting her ever since. Because this series commits 110% to the vibes, she'd do basically anything to avoid being seen without her ceremonial skeleton face paint. She worships death and is powered by it, but also she's so terrified of losing Gideon permanently that she magically lobotomizes her brain into forgetting Gideon so that her soul doesn't eat the shred of Gideon's soul embedded in hers via necromancy. What else can I say."

The Raven (Edgar Allan Poe) "The Raven is a metaphorical representation of grief and loss, reminding the protagonist that his loved one has died, of his own mortality, and his powerlessness to stop the evermarch of time."

[the-everqueen]

Wondering your thoughts on something I’ve noticed a lot in the Sandman fandom - namely, that every fanart or fanfic involving Daniel (based on the show!!) always portrays/describes him as white, despite the fact that show!Danny’s dad is a black man…

i think there's a few factors at work. first (and foremost) people trying to incorporate bits of the comix in the absence of "official" casting (almost every fanart and a lot of fanfics defaulted to Destruction as a white, red-haired man before the actor was announced). Danny in the comix is a blonde baby and then a sort of...ghostly amalgam of a young man who never existed and Morpheus as we knew him (disheveled hair, gaunt figure, sharp cheekbones, dark eyes). what would that look like in the show? i don't know! i'm hoping there's at least a nod to Daniel's human parentage (he's blonde in the comix BECAUSE he's Lyta Hall's son, and in the comix she's blonde), but i think there are a few ways that it could be cast. Danny!Dream as mixed, light-skinned, and/or racially ambiguous could be both really tragic and really compelling: the erasure of where he came from as metaphor for his personal losses (of family, of childhood, of "personhood" in a human sense), and the insistence on some reminder of his parents, his past, as a counter to his "function." i'd love to see that explored in fic! (as someone who also defaults to comix!Daniel - though there IS a reasoning behind this choice in the LA guard dog universe and non-Dreaming aus.)

at the same time, i think it's partially a function of fans getting attached to Tom Sturridge's portrayal of Dream. when s1 came out, i saw some discourse circulating about how already people weren't ready to "lose" him (and i think some of this filtered into the whole "retired" Dream headcanons, though that's another discussion). and i get that if someone else is cast as Danny, there's going to be a...reaction to both the actor figured as a "replacement" for Tom and the character as a "replacement" for the Dream that fans became attached to. which then becomes a possible burden on the actor. Rose's actor, Vanesu Samunyai, got significant backlash for being a Black woman to play a character who was white and blonde in the comix, and i could see that kind of racism seeping into people's reactions to Daniel. (also a fan grief/sadness at the tragic ending used as a "justification" for racism.) it's not clear to me how much support nonwhite actors like Vanesu get when they're cast in these roles where fans might "expect" a white actor. (like...Riordan told Leah Jeffries in the new PJO series not to listen to the haters because he chose her, which is great and all, but...is production working to ensure that she has someone she can safely process her experiences with, is she given reasonable accommodations, is someone else moderating her socials so she doesn't have to deal with trolls?) so that's another consideration.

(obviously the "solution" isn't to never cast nonwhite actors, but there's been an increase in "diverse representation" in media without a discussion of how these predominantly white spaces have material impact on nonwhite creatives.)

last thing is just that i've noticed the sandman fandom generally seems...more reluctant to engage in alt. casting than say, musical theater fandoms, where there's an expectation that the principal actor won't always be in a role or present when you witness the performance. there's this automatic turn toward finding someone who fits, for example, Delirium from the comix in the absence of an official show casting, rather than playing around with the uncertainty. (personally i'm out here championing Bailey Bass as my Delirium face cast, and tbh if they cast the rest of the Endless sibs as white, she and Stephanie Hsu will remain my primary Del references.) which i think is common in fandoms that rely on a visual "text" for reference, and even more so for Neilman tv fandoms, where fans seem to want/expect "word of god" affirmation. again, another discussion, but i'll just say for now i think the fandom suffers for it.

[catiuapavel]

I thought FFTA was alright but throughout my entire playthrough of it, I felt I could have liked the game a lot more if I had played it at age 7-10 instead of now, as an adult (this is not a negative commentary on the game). This game would be the perfect introduction to the SRPG genre for a kid, from the gameplay and presentation to the simple story and themes.

But as a result, it just missed the mark a little for me.

I liked the gameplay, it was just not engaging enough or challenging enough to justify more than 20 hours of gameplay and at the end I thought it had overstayed its welcome. In theory I liked the pub's mission mechanics but the sidequests felt like uninteresting padding and I found the pacing suffered from such a large amount and I ended up skipping until I was just too underleveled to go through main missions.

As for the story and characters, they both felt rather barebone and played out as expected. But none of it was bad either, just alright. (except for Ritz).

Mewt was definitely the highlight of the game for me. His experience being othered and bullied, his grief over losing his mother at such a young age and his disappointment in his father being a jobless unreliable parent turning him into an all-powerful prince whose mother is untouchable and will move the world for him and whose father is the representation of law and order carried the game's themes and made him a genuinely sympathetic villain.

Other than this, I was surprised to find out Marche was not secretely the actual villain of the game as rumor would have it (because I mean obviously we all agree that Mewt isn't actually coping with his problems in a healthy manner... right.) I do understand why people couldn't get behind his character or his motivations though. I liked his confrontation with Doned and him expressing his jealousy and resentment over having to relinquish his childhood and his mother's attention for his sake and I really really wish this had more focus than the whole "I don't like that people call me the New Kid at school" which felt like such a non-issue and paled in comparison to Mewt's experience.

As for Ritz... I do think there is merit into writing a character whose body image issues would have her fancy herself a new appearance in another world. It's something I'd be personally inclined to relate to. But the execution was so lacking and shallow that it made it profundly demeaning instead.

Also, while I understand that this is an Ivalice-related game because it's a tactics game, I didn't think the affiliation added anything of value to either and I'd have respected the choice to imagine another world entirely a lot more.

Ultimately this has made me a little curious to see if I might like FFTA2 better so I might just play it soon so I have a direct comparison.

[haircoveredwriter]

Carol's Origin Story: 5 most underrated scenes

There are some moments that always come to mind when fans of The Walking Dead think of Carol Peletier; ones seared into our minds from sheer awesomeness or heart-wrenching emotions no one can escape. Yet such multi-faceted characters cannot be simply broken down into their 4 best episodes for one to truly understand who they are and how far the journey they've traveled to get here. As such, we will examine a few poignant stages along Carol's journey which deserve their recognition.

5. Teaching the kids at the prison to fight

Following the fall of Woodbury, our survivors were inundated with new people joining them at the prison and looking for some semblance of leadership. A role which Carol takes on easily and with devout purpose; arranging schedules to help the community run smoothly as well as maintaining the perimeter fencing's safety. Although she's not content simply to sit back and let her past be repeated, fearing it was her own lack of education that lead to Sophia's tragic death. Not if she has anything to do about it. Disguised as regular storytime, she quietly instructs the children on basic weapon usage and how they can protect themselves when they're threatened; a lesson that proves extremely helpful upon the Governor's return and subsequent attack. If it were not for Carol's tactical thinking, Mika and Lizzie might never have saved baby Judith or Tyrese for that matter, and Rick would have never gotten the happy reunion he'd been dreaming of.

4. Her facade in Alexandria

Becoming who she needs to be in any given situation is much more than a talent for Carol, it is a survival mechanism. Something she'd had to learn during her marriage to Ed in an attempt to appease his temper and evade his ever-present wrath. Though it was truly mesmerizing to watch her read the room within an instant of entering Alexandria - a community they knew nothing about or whether it was to be trusted - and switch over to her previous meek, demure persona without missing a beat so that she would have the ability to protect her family. The Wolves would have served well to have noted this point sooner. While Carol has donned her veiled mask multiple times since, in the show's series, it's the first iteration which shows just how intelligent this woman is.

3. Saving Lydia in The Storm

Reliving a parent's worst nightmare is horrible enough to experience once but for Carol she, unfortunately, lived through many losses of children, the most recent being her adopted son, Henry, at the hands of Alpha. Swallowed up by pain and grief, her feelings of self begin to fracture as she fears she's losing any hold of who she is. When the group is forced to venture into the eye of a terrible winter storm, she finds herself face to face with the daughter of her son's murderer and has to battle her own dark inner thoughts as well as the young girl's suicidal tendencies. Despite the immense burden of blame weighing on her heart (of other's and herself), Carol is able to connect with the mirror image Lydia displays, seeing her own past traumas and pain being experienced by another and it's then that Carol chooses to reach out to provide the support she'd never had to the suffering teenager. True strength comes from the ability to use one's own pain to help others ... this is the definition of Carol Peletier.

2. 'Warning' Merle

"People underestimate me ... don't underestimate me." Why this scene was cut from the broadcast airing I will NEVER understand! Carol has always been protective over those she cares about, although when Daryl's brother, Merle, arrives at the prison, potentially jeopardizing his mental & emotional well-being, Carol doesn't bat an eye before making it clear to the elder Dixon ... if he messes with Daryl, she'll take him out in his sleep. There are so many subtle aspects to this scene that draw the viewer in at the same time shock them to their core; whether it is Carol's sweet and reserved presentation, her ease in mentioning descriptive details proving she has already been keeping track of Merle, or the mere fact that in a way the man in front of her displayed several tendencies which she had cowered from earlier in a previous life. This is also the first instance where the strengthening bond between Carol and Daryl shows how deep it goes, and how far the star-crossed soulmates will go to protect the other from anyone or anything.

1. Saving herself in "Look at the Flowers"

You can be your own worst enemy. When times get tough, it's easier sometimes to fall back on habit rather than going for what you want or need. Both these are true for Carol when we find her in season 10. Alpha is dead, Henry's death has been avenged ... yet neither brings her the peace she's sought and she finds herself running again from her emotional turmoil rather than head back to Alexandria to face it with Daryl. Along her instinctual journey she can't escape the voices inside her head which take on the physical representation of the woman she hates the most, Alpha. Every horrendous thing anyone has ever told her or things she has told/believes about herself come flooding through, one after another, until fate deals its hand and pins her overnight beneath a boat with no way to escape. The incoming promise of death seems nearly accepted before the prospect of losing Daryl is too much for Carol to take and she musters her courage, dislocating her shoulder and then killing the incoming walker. This is the moment where she decides she is done running. This is the moment where she chooses her relationship with Daryl over everything that has come or will in the future. This is the moment where Carol decides she is worthy.

Carol Peletier Origin Story (3/7)

[something-tofightfor]

Hi I’m here with questions to cure boredom:

But first… 🖊 EZRA & FRANCISCO.

Okay:

❔- What is something Joel has never told anyone about? Something from the before times? Something that he doesn’t even realize he’s never said out loud until after he’s said it?

❔- What is something that never fails to make Jack smile? Something that could reach him even when he’s lost in his darkness and grief and put a real smile on his face?

🤭- Can you share anything about the catfish popeboy?

I will be getting back to Ezra very soon. VERY soon. And Francisco? ... which one? BICO? This Gift? ... or the other one - the fun and competitive one?

Everything else under the cut because the Joel one is TLOU spoilers.

Joel keeps a lot of things really close to the vest - but the thing that he keeps the most secret is something that he only told his mother ONCE, right when he was still reeling from everything happening fast. What is it? Joel is glad he never married Sarah's mom, because he wouldn't have wanted to go through a separation and a divorce. Joel isn't traditional in a lot of ways, but marriage - for him - is for life. So he wanted to mean it when he asked someone.

When she left, it sucked for him and for their daughter - but at least it was quick and easy. She was there, and then she wasn't. There was no long, drawn out custody battle, no financial BS, none of that. He would have married her - and thought about it, once they were both over the age of 18, just because he thought it would be good for Sarah to have parents that were married ... but he never got around to asking, and by the time he'd really started to consider it - she was gone. He cared about her, had strong feelings for her, but the more he looked back on it, the more he realized that they never really loved each other, and he certainly wasn't actually IN LOVE with her at any point. Sarah was the best thing to ever happen to him, and he's happy that the relationship gave him his daughter, but that's about it. He knows that if the two of them had gotten married, it wouldn't have ended any differently - they were both way too young to be involved in the way that they were, and neither of them would have been completely happy in that relationship long term. And Jack? Something that always makes him smile no matter what? ('Buried" Jack)

It's the Bronco. When Champ offered him a chance to become a Statesman, there was a ton of BS that went along with learning the position, but while they were out training really early on, Jack saw the shell of it for sale. He mentioned to Champ that it had always been a dream of his to find and restore an old car like that, but when his wife had gotten pregnant, he'd pushed everything to the side to focus on providing for his family.

Fast forward to a few months later, after the training was done and Jack had been promoted to Agent, he found a note in his room that told him to go into the facility's garage ... and the Bronco was there, waiting for him.

It took a while, but Jack restored it by hand (with some help from the Statesman mechanics on the parts that he couldn't do singlehandedly) when he had free time. He put a lot of time and effort into making it exactly how he wanted it, and that's where he poured a lot of his remaining grief and frustration over the years.

Not only does it make him smile because it's visible representation of him accomplishing a dream of his, but because every time he sees it, he knows that it's proof that someone (Champ) believed in him so much that he bought it before Jack had even made Agent - and when he was still halfway fucked in the head from losing his wife and everything that happened after.

The Bronco's not an actual Statesman fleet car, either. It's Jack's. And yeah, it has some upgrades, because it was restored in a spy agency's garage ... but for the most part, it's just a really nice, really well taken care of classic car.

[rwhague]

Using Anxiety as a Character Arc

My last few blog posts were discussing what anxiety is from a clinical standpoint. Today, we’re going to bring all the pieces together and discuss how you can use this to form a character/story arc.

I

If you have been exposed to any writing theory at all, then you are probably at least a little familiar with standard story structures. This is the form in which most stories go: First there’s an introduction followed by an inciting incident, then there’s the middle stuff as the character tries to manage the change in their world that was caused by the inciting incident. Everything comes to a head in the climax followed by the resolution. Now I’m going to describe this using what we’ve previously discussed in anxiety terms.  

Character is living life in a relatively normal way whether they be a young teen or an expert secret agent. Then a stressor occurs: teen is in a major car accident and loses her leg; secret agent is betrayed and watches helplessly as his entire team is killed. This stressor will cause a psychological and physiological response in the character (see post: Anxiety for Writer’s Summarized). Depending upon what type of story you are writing, you may want to linger here for a bit. If your character is a teen suffering from loss of limb, a good portion of the story might be spent on failing to accept herself, falling into a depression, and journeying out. (Keeping in mind that these mental health conditions are linked and anxiety often leads to depression. For more information on types of anxiety disorders, what they look like, and why they might manifest, see post: Writers Guide to Mental Health: Anxiety Disorders)

At some point in the story, a decision by your character, conscious or otherwise, needs to be made. Are they going to live in a continual state of anxiety? Or are they going to move forward and out of that state?

Your character may not come out of it. They may fall into a depression and that’s how the story ends. Keep in mind that is an option. A tragic option, but an option nonetheless.

If your character does seek help and healing, they will probably go through some sort of a process where they face their fears and become more courageous. This can be through self-initiative or with the formal help of a therapist. How this happens will be determined by a lot of factors including your story type, setting, and character’s personalities. For information on how anxiety is treated in a clinical setting, check out my post: Writers Guide for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders.

Probably the best, well-known story to use as an example in bringing all this together is Batman. Bruce Wayne is afraid of bats. They cause an anxiety related response, so he exposes himself to these bats until he is braver. Then he channels the bat in order to defeat the underworld.

Of course, this is just a superficial representation of what is taking place in the broader story as a whole. Bruce Wayne experienced a trauma when his parents were murdered by members of the criminal underworld. For years, he struggled with the grief and fear of this event. Then he channeled his fears, became a criminal vigilante, and confronted them and defeated the criminal underworld.

It’s a simple formula, really, but it is scientifically and psychologically based and serves as a good formula to create story arcs and character arcs. If you can think of other stories that follow this similar pattern, please name them in the comments below.

[the-silvertonguewitch]

Musings on Lyra’s journey in TSC

I’ve been thinking a lot about Lyra’s journey in the second and (upcoming) third book of the Book of Dust series. Especially about the hints and clues from TSC pointing to some eventual “sacrifice” (to get Pan back, to enter the red building) in the final book. Beware: spoilers for TSC below.

 I don’t think that Will and Lyra reunite, or see each other again. Pullman could’ve made it work at some point, but not after TSC. Lyra’s journey there is too dependent on Will not coming back.

 Let me explain. Lyra and Will could’ve chosen to stay together. They could’ve made the choice to live a very shortened life together. We know why they didn’t: as Will puts it, one of them would’ve died young, leaving the other grief stricken, and it would’ve meant two lives wasted. On the flipside, they would’ve loved each other deeply and intensely – probably more deeply and more intensely than most, since they would’ve known from the beginning that their years together were counted – and it would’ve been, all in all, two short lives well spent.

Again, they could’ve chosen that. Instead, at the end of TAS, they decide to give a life without each other a chance.

But what’s been life for Lyra so far, eight years later? She’s a student at St-Sophia, a good one, gets good grades, is probably somewhat interested – but doesn’t sound passionate – about what she’s studying. Friends at school? There’s Miriam – more a casual class buddy than a real intimate BFF. Lovers? There’s Dick Orchard, though from the look of it their relationship erred more on the “friends with benefit” side (and at some point, it’s strongly implied that Lyra never touched Dick’s daemon Bindi, contrasting the deep, soul-like connection she had with Will). She forbids herself from getting too close with boys she might fall in love with (coughMalcoughcom) out of fear of being unfaithful to Will’s memory. All in all, it’s exactly like what she tells Farder Coram: “I thought all the danger was over… Everything, the good as well as the bad, it was all over. There was nothing left but learning and… Well, just that, really.” (TSC, p. 280) She adopts the new trendy way of thinking of Brande and Talbot, one of cold rationality, hard facts, a black and white representation of the world, because Brande and Talbot’s philosophy deny the reality itself of every traumatic experience she had to go through between 11 and 13: the knowledge of who her parents were (as well as the lack of closure in her relationship with both of them), being almost separated from Pan in Bolvangar, Roger’s death, coming across soul-eating specters, having Pan ripped out of her heart, loosing Will. If daemons don’t exist, if there’s no land of the dead and no specters, if love is nothing but a fancy of the mind, then Lyra can’t be hurt by these things, unless by deluding herself into believing that they’re real. Her fascination with Brande and Talbot is a coping mechanism, and it could almost work, except that it’s the perfect recipe for a bleh, bland life.

 Fact is, TSC’s Lyra probably, consciously or not (but more consciously than not, I’d wager), regret parting from Will. If she had gone with him into his world, she’d be in pretty bad shape by now but so what? She would’ve been happy. Happier, at least. Fulfilled.

 I even wonder if that isn’t one of the reasons behind her estrangement with Pan. Going with Will would’ve meant choosing love over life, and what is a person’s daemon, if not that person’s “life”, in animal form? Why else would daemons disappear when their person dies? Why else would they be forbidden from crossing into the land of the dead?

 And so, maybe, her journey in the TSC is about discovering that the choice she made in TAS wasn’t a “wrong” one after all. That she can still live a wholesome, fulfilling life, and that she can still love as deeply as she once did with Will. That she can still hope.

 This doesn’t mean that Lyra will love Malcolm “more” than Will, nor the other way around (that Malcolm would merely be the “second choice”, the best she could hope for if she can’t be with Will). Pullman pulls tricks like these all the time. He did it with Jim and Sally, and with Ginny in The Broken Bridge, and now he’s doing it with Lyra too: protagonists falling deeply in love with someone, loosing that love, and unexpectedly finding another love. That “other” love is never presented as “more” or “less” than the first, because that’s not the point. The point is that there’s always hope.

 Strangely enough, Lyra and Malcolm’s journeys in TSC have quite a few parallels with Lyra and Will in TSK (and somewhat in TAS too, though I expect the third installment of TBoD to have more parallels with TAS specifically). Only this time, Lyra is Will and Malcolm is Lyra. Lyra is the one without a daemon, the odd one out, the one who makes herself invisible, who’s desperately looking for a lost loved one, who can’t return home, who finds comfort in letters written by someone she cares for, who gets her hand badly wounded in a fight. Malcom is the one searching for Dust rose oil, the straight-face liar, the slightly obnoxious, the one who gets out of sticky situations all the time but still ends up drugged and passed out in a train (but not in a suitcase at least). I’m not sure where the story is going with this or what’s the purpose of these parallels, though I’d guess that they contain some hints and clues of what’s gonna happen in the last  BoD. Lyra’s journey doesn’t only boil down to romance either. Romantic love, and all other kinds of love, is just a part of Lyra’s lost “shadow”. Or Lyra’s lost “Dust”, as I believe that that’s what the “shadow” refers to in the poem of Jahan and Rukhsana. Malcolm concludes that Rukhsana’s stolen shadow = Lyra’s daemon Pan, but I’m not sure if Pullman isn’t pulling another trick on us, because –

 “Nevertheless, that shadow-colored cat on the moonlit lawn…” (TSC, 143)

“As if Gottfried Brande was some kind of enchanter who made you forget everything you used to love, everything mysterious, all the places where the shadows are.” (TSC, 175)

“You’re expecting the sun to describe shadows. The sun has never seen a shadow.”

“But the world is full of shadows.” […] “I came here”, Pan said, “because reading your novel persuaded my Lyra that the things she believed in were false. It made her bitterly unhappy. It was as if you’d stolen her imagination and taken away her hope with it.” (TSC, 360-361)

 I could probably quote more, but you get the picture. It seems like what Lyra hopes to find in the red building is Dust/shadow particles – meaning that she, too, knows that *something* was taken from her – and she hopes to find it there, specifically, probably because she’s already unconsciously linked the red building to the world of the Mulefas, where the flow of Dust was so abundant and where she and Will kissed for the first time.

All that to say, Rukhsana’s stolen shadow = Lyra’s stolen imagination/Dust. Or so I believe for now. We’ll see.

It’s complicated, though, because in the poem, Rukhsana must make a great sacrifice to get her shadow back, and likewise Lyra’s told by that alchemist in Prague that she’ll have to make a great sacrifice to get Pan back – and even then, that she’ll get him back, but “not in the way” she’d expect. We also learn from Dr. Strauss’s journal that entering the red building costs a life. Another sacrifice, another place.

For Pan, I have my own guesses. The “sacrifice” will either be 1) Lyra giving up absolute rationality, which means she’ll also have to face all the traumas she’s been repressing and discounting as “not real” so far, or 2) Pan will return to Lyra, but as an invisible part of her or hidden inside of her, like peoples’ “daemons” from Will’s world. They’ll never part again, but Lyra will lose the companionship that she had with an external part of herself. Hence Pan not returning to her “in the way she thinks”.

Actually, I’d think that we could see 1) and 2) both. In TSC, Lyra questions the realness of daemons and it would be almost too easy to deny their existence altogether if they weren’t visible. Obviously TBoD will not end with Lyra now enlightened with the understanding that Pan never existed and was just a “projection of the mind”, so for Pan to disappear inside of her, and for her to truly believe in his existence regardless, would point to some significant change of faith, which is probably what the books are building up to anyway.

The “sacrifice” needed to enter the red building is even murkier. From Strauss’s journal, it’s sort of implied that Strauss and Cariad were the “payment” for the rose specimens given to Hassall, so I’m not sure if the sacrifice “pays” for an entrance into the building, or if it pays for the knowledge of what’s inside it. Besides, Lyra and Malcolm are probably both going in – or, rather, Malcolm was sent there by Oakley Street with the official purpose of gathering information while Lyra is traveling to Karamakan with the intent of entering the building, so they both seem set up to parallel Dr. Hassall (Malcolm) and Dr. Strauss (Lyra), respectively; however, once they reach the place they’ll obviously both go in, so the “life payment” might not be required.

 How they’ll trick their way into leaving the red building is another matter. Again, I’d expect some nods and callbacks to TAS, especially the part where Will and Lyra managed against all odds to escape from the world of the dead. Back then they had the knife and Lyra’s imagination (part of the deal was that they’d tell stories to the harpies in exchange for their help at finding the way out). Might be that Lyra’s newly returned talent at storytelling comes in handy this time again. Or maybe – and this is just a very big MAYBE –

The story she will tell in the red building is the poem of Jahan and Rukhsana. Oh, but what if it must be a true story? Well actually, it is, and Lyra and Malcolm are right there to prove it. How “true” the story is, that’s like asking how true to reality a metaphor is. It’s a matter of perception, or rather, imagination.

[amanecerentrepalabras]

Review: Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Title: Red, White & Royal Blue

Author: Casey McQuiston

Genre: New Adult, Contemporary, Romance

Rating: 4/5

CW//: sex, intentional outing, mention of drug abuse/addiction, loss of parent/spouse, grief, homophobia, mention of sexual abuse/harassment of minor 

Red, White & Royal Blue follows the story of Alex Claremont-Diaz, the first Mexican-American FSOTUS, who has to fake a friendship with Prince Henry of Wales after confronting him at a British Royal event and causing what appears to be a rift between the British Crown and the US. But when Alex and Henry actually enjoy each other's company and dive head first into a relationship, they must keep their relationship a secret so as not to deviate from President Ellen Claremont's 2020 reelection bid and the public images they're both required to maintain.

This book made me feel SO many things, although some areas seemed to drag on. Going in to this story, I didn't realize it was New Adult, which was a pleasant surprise. The main characters are in their early to mid-twenties. Think fresh out of college age. There is some adult content, like explicit sex scenes, so if that's something you're not comfortable with, this book may not be for you. But other than that, this is a contemporary romance with pining, subtle flirtations, romantic messages, and secret romantic encounters. AND THIS STORY IS GAY.

Beware, spoilers ahead!

I loved almost every interaction between Alex and Henry from the bickering to the confessions of love for each other. This is where we get these gems of dialogue like,

"I'd rather be waterboarded," Henry says, smiling back. The camera snaps nearby. His eyes are big and soft and blue, and he desperately needs to be punched in one of them. "Your country could probably arrange that." Ch. 2

and

"One day if there's any legacy for me on this bloody earth, I want it to be true. So I can offer you all of me, in whatever way you'll have me, and I can offer you the chance of a life. If you can wait, I want you to help me try." Ch. 10

Alex is the epitome of a disaster bisexual. Chaos incarnate, if you will. He's very driven, charismatic, and head-strong and this shows in basically everything he does. I really liked Alex's character and some of his development throughout the story. Part of the story revolves around Alex coming to terms with his sexuality and coming out to the people closest to him, but the majority of the story focuses on the relationship between Alex and Henry and how they compliment each other. Henry's the opposite of Alex. He's calmer and more contained. Part of this is due to his upbringing as a prince and as a result of his grief over losing his father at such a young age. Somehow Alex and Henry manage to balance each other out and it works. The characters were probably my favorite part of this book. I loved Bea, Nora, June, and Pez as well. TBH, I wish there was more of this squad.

As for the storyline, I enjoyed the sneaking around and stealing moments to be together. It's the gay yearning for me.  I couldn't help but root for them, but some areas seemed to drag on. I'm a pretty quick reader for the most part, but I just could not get through this book and I think part of it had to do with the fact that there were just so many sex scenes. I honestly could care less for them.

There was also a lot of focus on the presidential campaign and the impact of the character's actions. While I did enjoy seeing the first female president with Mexican-American kids in the White House and openly gay and trans characters in positions of power, the rest of the focus just didn't do it for me. I wasn't invested enough in this part of the story, although I do appreciate the representation and the push for change.

Overall, I did enjoy the story. I loved the dialogue and the interactions between characters, but some of the story did drag on for me. Though, I do look forward to reading more from this author.

[jbuffyangel]

Second Chances: Arrow 8x04 Review (Present Tense)

Holy frack there is a lot to unpack. 

Ha! That rhymes.  Let’s dig in….

***Skipping the Quick and Dirty because this review is very late, so I figure y’all know the basic plot from other sources by now.

 Oliver and William

Let’s start with the simpler of the two relationships between father and child. Oliver is still reeling from Mia’s, “Dad?” when William runs into his arms because he is the softest bear to ever live. 

Source: norahasotherstuff

He’s missed his dad so much and it’s pure, overwhelming joy that propels him forward without a minute of hesitation. I love how free William is with his emotions. He’s a bursting ball of light and love. Reminds me of someone.

Oliver’s understanding of who this is sinks in when he feels his son’s arms around him. SOB.  

Source: olicitygifs 

William is the first of anybody to understand they are in the past. Or present. Or something. The lack of crappy makeup and horrifically bad wigs in the first tip off, but the fact Oliver isn’t six feet underground is the primary clue for this Hardy boy.

Source: feilcityqueen 

Oliver and William are given some time to catch up back at the apartment. Oliver’s immediate instinct is to call Felicity and tell her what is going on. 

Look my friends! The writers remembered there are things called PHONES on Earth 1. 

Isn’t honest and communicative Oliver so refreshing? It’d be so nice if his wife could enjoy it on screen. 

William shuts down getting in touch with Felicity because he doesn’t know the time travel rules. 

Are we Back to the Future or Avengers Endgame? William doesn’t know, so they shouldn’t contact Felicity yet.

Honestly, this entire conversation is just to address the perfunctory, “How do we handle MIA Emily Bett Rickards?” question.

For the record, I think Oliver not calling Felicity even once onscreen is bullshit. 

But here’s the thing – Emily is not part of Arrow Season 8 until the finale. End of discussion. We’re going to get lots of Felicity references and I think the writers have done a marvelous job of giving us content so far despite an unavailable actress. Could they write one-way phone conversations or throw texts up like Jane the Virgin? Sure, but this is Arrow and simple/logical resolutions aren’t their wheelhouse.

Regardless, they certainly aren’t going to deal with the EBR issue every week in every episode. The fans watching the show have to accept at a certain point that Emily Bett Rickards left the show and this is the reason why Felicity is not doing X, Y and Z. We do not need it spelled out for us every week.

Source: olicitygifs 

Olive is desperate for some good news in the future. This is such a fucking Season 7 mood. 

William obliges and tells him that he’s a billionaire corporate tech tycoon. So between his son and Felicity it no longer matters that Oliver signed over his children’s inheritance to a woman he banged one night in Russia. (I added that last part in).

Source: olicitygifs

Oliver is so proud he cries. I sob whenever my child accomplishes pretty much anything, so I feel this is a very accurate representation of parenthood.

It also opens the door for William to come out to his father, which he never had the chance to do. 

My favorite part was when Oliver confessed to William that he and Felicity knew he was gay… because parents always know whether they can admit it or not. 

Source: tylerposey 

Oliver cries again (right there with you buddy) and it’s a lovely scene. The basic takeaway is just love your kids.

Source: olicitygifs 

 Bless William for being excited about what I am excited about – they have a second chance to get to know each other. It’s easier for William and Oliver because they already built the foundation. There’s a lot to catch up on, but the bond between father and son is established. William has spent the last 20 years wishing he could talk to his dad and he’s not wasting this opportunity. No matter how bizarre it is.

William is the one to tell Present Team Arrow about how awful the future is and again, we’re already changing the future if this, in fact, Back to the Future rules. Rene knows his daughter dies and he becomes a corrupt politician. Oliver knows that Star City is still going to hell in a hand-basket despite all his sacrifices.

Barry gets a coffee and the key to the city in the second season. Oliver has been hero-ing for eight years and things still turn out crappy in the future. Sometimes it really sucks to be an Arrow fan. And yet I stay because I am a masochist who enjoys pain and excruciatingly difficult hero’s journeys. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Oliver is deep in brooding mode, sharpening arrows, after Mia yells at him for “playing dad�� and leaves with L*urel. William wants to know why he didn’t stop her and the truth is Oliver thinks she’s right. He chose to leave. He has not earned the right to be her father. Not like he has with William.

But Oliver is forgetting he went through this with William. He blamed Oliver for his mother’s death.

Yes, William is a child and Mia is an adult. Yes, Oliver had to break his promise. He physically walked away to save their lives. But he remained devoted in his love and all the rest all remains true. The only way to earn being someone’s parent is to be their parent.

William’s grief over losing his mother was overwhelming. He was angry with Oliver, resented his choices and the way he was parenting him. Oliver and William had a very rocky start, but those rocks are the foundation of their relationship today. It’s the reason why Oliver and William know they can start again because they have done it before.

All of William’s pain and suffering has made him into exactly the kind of brother Mia needs now. He understands her anger at Oliver. He also knows that despite her anger and whether she can admit it or not, Mia desperately needs Oliver.

William’s experiences also made him into the kind of son who can guide his father’s hand. William is saying, “Hey. You’ve been here before. Remember? You found the way with me and you can find the way with Mia.”

Felicity would be proud.

This also gives William the opportunity to hash out some remaining issues with his father because things are not all roses with them either. Oliver is still hurt William left to live with his grandparents, because it happened a few months ago. William is the weathered soul in this war and has gained an interesting perspective on the experience.

Oliver: I thought you hated my guts.

William: I hated you for abandoning me.

Oliver: I tried.

William: True, but I wanted you to try harder. Push a little more. I think that’s all any child wants from their parents.

Oliver and Felicity can argue William moving in with his grandparents was the best thing for him at the time, but I refuse to believe anyone is better for him than his parents. William has realized deep down he never wanted his dad and Felicity to let him go. Kids test their parents and this was a particular test William wished his father fought harder.

And I have to agree. I thought it was insane that Oliver and Felicity let William go live with his grandparents. I can’t remember if S7 Jen thought that, but S8 Jen sure does. 

The reality of their living situation hadn’t really changed all that much from when Oliver first became William’s primary care giver.  He was the Green Arrow the entire time. That’s why they hired Raisa. A couple bad guys break into the apartment and they ship the kid off? William is ticked at Oliver for going to prison, so he decides to LEAVE? How does that make sense? And why are we letting the 13 year old call the shots? I honestly couldn’t believe they agreed.

And we all know Oliver and Felicity’s reasoning is faulty because the writing doesn’t make any sense. The worst thing about these flash forwards is William not knowing who Mia is in order to keep the reveal a shock. They really expect us to believe Felicity never comes back for William? Gimme a break. I’m all for surprises, but not at the sake of the story.

The writers are trying to clean up the mess and resolve some of the drama, but it is Oliver and Felicity who unfortunately end up holding the bag. It doesn’t make either of their characters look great, but I can ultimately forgive it as well because it feeds a much larger truth about parents and their children.

Parents – you’re going to screw up.

Kids – you have to decide how much those screw ups will screw you up.

This is why Thea’s words to Oliver last week are so important. He was going to make mistakes whether he stayed with his family or not, but those mistakes do not diminish his love for his children. It all forms who his children will become. And hey – nobody is as messy as Robert and Moira Queen and the Queen siblings turned out okay.

Oliver and Felicity made a mistake by letting William leave. They aren’t perfect parents. Nobody is. The point is to learn, keep trying and fight harder. Ultimately, it’s up to William and Mia to decide whether or not to forgive their parents for being human beings.  Every child must come to terms with the mistakes their parents make, weigh it against their intentions and love, and then decide whether or not to forgive them. This is part of becoming an adult.

Oliver: I’m sorry.

William: It’s ok. Dad, I’m glad that you’re in my life. Then and now.  And Mia will be too.

William chooses to forgive his father. It’s a beautiful and honest moment between father and son. This is exactly the kind of bonding and healing I wanted Oliver to have with his children – a second chance.

Oliver and Mia

Let’s keep in mind the last time Oliver saw Mia she was in her crib, so seeing a fully grown young woman before him requires some adjustment, 

Source: lucyyh 

but Papa Bear rebounds nicely. Stephen Amell mixes pride, confusion, joy and love in this perfectly delivered line.

Source: olivergifs 

In typical Oliver fashion his first question is if the kids are okay. He steps toward Mia to hug her, but she is in complete shock and totally overwhelmed.

Source: olicitygifs 

The barrier between her dead father and her very much alive father is breaking down with the reality of their situation, but Mia cannot accept it yet. Her pain is almost immediate and she steps away from Oliver. A line in the sand is drawn. He can’t come closer. It hurts too much and she’s not ready.  Reminds me of someone.

It hurts Oliver just as much as when Felicity did the same thing. 

Mia should have been wearing The Red Coat of Pain.  

Source: olicitygifs 

Look, if my 34-year-old daughter time traveled from the future to the present it’d be a puzzler for sure, but cool as hell and I’d smush her perfect face in a microsecond. Way to represent Oliver.

Rene and Dinah are extremely confused why Oliver has a daughter and he’s all, “Oh yeah. Cool story.” He’s explaining to Thing 1 and Thing 2, but Oliver is really talking to Mia. He doesn’t take his eyes off her and he shares the story of her birth. SOB.

Source: olicitygifs

I love Diggle’s they-told-me-because-I’m-not-just-anyone look here. Oliver apologizes to Dinah and Rene for finding out about Mia like this and they immediately understand why he lied and have zero problems with it. It’s your basic personality lobotomy because this is the final season (kumbaya) and there’s no time for the newbies to be their usual toddler selves.

Rene wants to know when the kiddos can fill them in on all the 2040 gossip and hey that’s a good point. (Holy hell I’m agreeing with Rene. It’s the end times my friends). Dinah and Rene don’t find out about Mia until twenty years later, so the future has already begun to change. Oliver wants the kids to share all their Back to the Future goodies once they’re comfortable.

Spoiler alert: They’re not comfortable.

Connor tells Mia and William he was about to kill his brother (there’s your confirmation if you were in any way unclear about Connor’s intentions). Mia has zero problems with Connor killing JJ, but is angry he escaped. Yup, this tracks with Mia’s morality since she’s basically Season 1 Oliver. William reminds her that it doesn’t really make a difference now because JJ is five and they can’t Baby Hitler him.

I saw that look Mia Smoak Queen. 

Source: amunetblack 

She decides as team leader they should keep their mouths shut because nobody wants to tell Diggle his biological son goes all evil and kills Rene’s daughter. I mean… yeah… tricky conversation starter. Do you do it over coffee? Vodka. I feel booze could really help the situation a lot.

This means that FTA is going to lie to OTA and William correctly asserts this plan is insane because this is Original Team Arrow. They aren’t dummies. Well sure, now they aren’t but oh kids. Do I have some stories for you.

Oliver takes the kids back to his apartment and Mia gets the first real sense of what it was like for Felicity to live with Oliver. 

Source: olicitygifs

I know Felicity had pictures of Oliver in the cabin, but this is their life before Mia. A life she was not part of yet. My mother once took me to the house she grew up in and the owners allowed us to look around. It was so wonderfully odd to put a place to all the stories I heard growing up, but nothing was like I imagined it.

The shock is wearing off and this is the first moment Mia’s anger bubbles to the surface. This was supposed to be her home, where she grew up with her father, mother and brother. None of that happened because Oliver “disappeared” according to William.

It would seem like a simple answer - wouldn’t it? Felicity took the children to Oliver’s grave. One can naturally conclude this means he is dead, but William says he’s not sure what happened. Y’all, if you are still stressing about Oliver remaining dead after this show goes off air then turn your attention to the Grand Canyon sized back door the Arrow writers just wrote in. They can’t even say he is dead.

Oliver has been pondering his mortality for 12 years, and particularly now, so he absorbs this information extremely well. But the hits keep on coming as William fills him in on the rest – how he didn’t grow up with Mia and never saw Felicity again until 20 years later.

Mia chimes in with a bitter, “Yeah it was just me and Mom at the cabin.” Oliver’s pain when he realizes his “disappearance” is the trigger for his precious family splintering apart is just gut wrenching. 

Source:  feilcityqueen

Yes, he saved their lives, but it was not the life he hoped for any of them.

Oliver wants to catch up on 20 years of history, but Mia’s not looking to hug and cry and learn and grow. The chill when she leaves the room to go to bed let’s Oliver know exactly where he stands with his daughter. She’s freezing him out.

Oliver is worried Mia will never give him the chance to get to know her, but William reassures his father. Mia is stubborn and hard to read. I’d like to add distrustful, moody and impulsive. 

As Oliver’s mini me it’s perfectly acceptable to hold him accountable, which leads to some warm and good-natured ribbing between father and son.

Source: olicitygifs 

Mia reassures Present Team Arrow the Deathstroke gang isn’t a problem in the future after they blow up the hospital. Deathstroke gang? Pfft. Never heard of them. I’d also like to add liar, liar pants on fire to the personality traits Mia shares with her father.

And since they’re on a roll, Mia and William also reassure they are still friends with Zoe and she’s farting sunshine and rainbows.

Source: renesramirez

Ugh. Brutal.

Mia and Connor are convinced JJ is the leader of the Deathstroke gang. William tries to reason with them. He suddenly has a gang and is organized enough to start blowing up buildings within a few hours of arriving from a different time period? When you talk it out it doesn’t make sense. (She says to Last Week Jen who totally though JJ was the leader of the Deathstroke gang in present time too).

They go to the original Deathstroke hideout and discover it’s really Grant Wilson. It’s a nice tie into the Legends of Tomorrow’s “Star City 2046” which is the first time we met the wonderful David-Joseph Jones. 

Present Team Arrow shows up to save their asses and Oliver gets to rescue another Smoak female from a bomb. 

Source: felicitysmoak 

Ah… memories. 

 When all the lies come tumbling out it’s not pretty.

Rene picks Zoe up and plans to work his way through a pint of mint chip with her, which is an extremely valid life choice given the news he’s just received. But could you get the kid some ice cream she actually likes? I agree disliking mint chip is MADNESS, but she’s going to die in twenty years so chocolate it is.

Dinah meets up with Rene and tries to convince him the future can be changed.

Rene: How am I supposed to wake up every morning knowing how many days we have left together?

Dinah: By trying to change what happens. Trying every single day.

Arrow is known for their less than subtle cuts and what immediately follows Dinah’s statement is an argument between Oliver and Mia. 

Source: Paige 

She is unable to sit on the sidelines anymore while the team researches Grant and his Deathstroke gang. Oliver wants to help Mia with her grief, but she can’t even admit her grief let alone desperately needing her father.

What’s so sad about this scene is Oliver is right. He’s been there. He understands exactly what Mia is feeling. All of Oliver’s loss and suffering have made him into the man and father his daughter needs. But Mia won’t let him in and a large part of that is because she’s just like him. It’s like a mirror of himself eight years ago is being reflected back at him.

Oliver and Mia are put their cards on the table. She is right. Parenthood is earned. It is not something that is magically created from biology. Anyone can have a child and call themselves a “parent”, but a real parent puts their child above their own selfish needs and wants.

And that’s what Oliver Queen did. There is no place on earth Oliver wanted to be more than in the cabin with Mia, Felicity (and William) for the last twenty years. If Oliver was a selfish man, he would’ve spent the rest of his days with them and let everyone perish in the Crisis. Oliver was going to die no matter what, so why not hold on to the only peace and happiness he’s ever known? At least they’d be together.

But Oliver could never make that choice because he is selfless. Mia is right – Oliver is a hero, but his need to be recognized as such is not the reason he left her. Oliver wanted Mia, William and Felicity to have the life they deserved – even if it meant one without him. He is willing to die for them.

His decision cost Mia her father, but it was a price Oliver was willing to pay. The only thing more unimaginable to Oliver than missing out on raising Mia is Mia not being part of this world. Oliver put his child’s life above his own because his precious, remarkable, beautiful, strong, and smart Mia is his world.

Do I think Mia is being cruel to Oliver? No. I think she’s being honest. This is how she feels.

Children have a remarkable way of blaming themselves for decisions their parents made. 

Oliver is fighting the good fight like it’s any other day. There must have been something deficient in Mia that made moving on from his daughter so easy.

Source: arrowdaily

Mia may be grown, but she’s still a child in so many ways and particularly when it comes to father. All she can see is the man who chose to leave her. All Mia can feel is what she lost.

We cannot cheapen the depth of her grief by expecting Mia to be okay with her dad dying. Yes, he’s saving the world (and she is in the world), but Oliver didn’t need to save the city or the universe to be Mia’s hero. Nor can she accept the why because the result is the same.

Oliver missed Chrismukkah, trick or treating and birthdays. He missed snuggling on the couch and reading stories. He missed teaching Mia how to tie her shoes, ride a bike, shoot an arrow, defend herself or drive. Oliver missed comforting Mia when she was sad and sick. He missed making her laugh. He doesn’t know when Mia took her first steps, or her favorite food, or the name of her kindergarten teacher, or the grades she got in school, or the first boy who broke her heart. Oliver missed twenty years.

Mia didn’t lose a biological parent. She lost a man who loves her with every cell. Mia lost a man who would’ve shown up for her every day. She lost a man who would’ve protected, taught and loved her unconditionally. Mia Smoak Queen lost her DAD.

She’s supposed to what? Get to know Oliver? Mia’s supposed to accept all the stories Felicity told about her father were real, so the depth of her loss can be driven deeper because now she knows how wonderful he is?

Uhhh… pass. It’s easier for Mia to hate him. Of course, it’s easier.

It wouldn’t be a Queen family reunion without a little physical violence. Mia threatens to throw down with Daddy if he doesn’t get out of her way. Honestly, letting her get a couple good swings in Oliver might be highly therapeutic. I clearly didn’t study psychology, but I’m just here thinking my thoughts.

Oliver must be “some guy in her way” because the alternative, letting her father all the way in only to lose him again, it’s unbearable for Mia at this point.

Source: miasmoakdaily 

Oliver decides to try harder with Mia after William harnesses his light, which means FATHER/DAUGHTER IN THE FIELD TIME! 

Oliver’s protective dad mode is fully activated, but Mia has other plans. She’s about to take Grant Wilson out when Oliver ties him up with an arrow rope. Undeterred, she switches a knife for an arrow and takes aim.

Oliver calls out to Mia in his deep, growly Arrow voice, which gets her attention because it’s scary and it gets everybody’s attention.  IT’S STERN DADDY TIME! YASSS!!!  

Oliver physically steps in front of Grant Wilson because this is road he has gone down and as long as there is breath in his body he will not watch his daughter go down it too. 

This is what is so satisfying about Oliver Queen's story. 

He has learned from his mistakes and can be the hero, and father, his daughter needs now. 

Mia can hate him all she wants, but Oliver will not let her kill anyone.

Mia listens because what she needs more than anything right now is her dad. It’s a real and honest moment between the two where Oliver uses everything he’s learned to help Mia make the right decision. And Mia, whether she can admit it or not, wants to learn from Oliver. He earns being her dad by being her dad.

Stick a fork in me because I AM DONE. Do you know this moment is everything? Because it is EVERYTHING. First, Mia may not let Oliver hug her, but she lets him ask if she’s okay and even answers. This, my friends, is what we call progress. Mia also has to know Oliver’s history and she doesn’t want her father to think she didn’t have the stones to kill someone.

But it’s what Oliver said in return that is so meaningful because he knows after killing someone all that is left are the dark questions that haunt you. Did I do the right thing? What kind of person does this make me?

Of all the terrible holes Oliver had to crawl out of, this was his darkest. This was the secret Oliver feared was true. This lie was so easy to believe because Oliver blamed himself for Robert’s death. What kind of person kills their own father? What kind of person keeps killing? It was so frightening for Oliver to confront that he lost Felicity to avoid it.  Then it was forced out of him only after being tortured for days by Adrian Chase.

Mia would’ve killed Grant Wilson because she thought it was necessary. She believed it would serve the greater good and save lives. But it doesn’t mean Mia would’ve enjoyed killing Grant Wilson. It doesn’t mean she is undeserving of love, unforgivable or irredeemable. It doesn’t mean Mia is a monster.

The questions are already haunting Mia. Oliver can see it in her eyes, but he has the answers for her. Oliver tells his daughter who she is and Mia knows he truly sees her. And her wall starts to come down.

Source: oliverxfelicity

This show began as a story between father and child and, for better or worse; this is where it will always return. Arrow is about family, generational sin and atonement. It will always come back to Robert Queen.

Oliver takes Mia to her grandfather’s grave because this is where the violence, loss and guilt all began. It swallowed Oliver whole for so many years. It was an agonizing hole to climb out of.  He wants Mia and William’s life to be better. Oliver didn’t truly understand his father until after he was dead. He wants it to be different with his children.

Source: oliverxfelicity

Mia’s journey started with the “death” of her father. Just like Robert. Her mother is “gone.”  Just like Moira.  Zoe died protecting Mia. She was the hero Mia was trying so hard to be. Just like Tommy. Mia made a decision and it cost someone their life. Just like Shado.  

And on and on it goes. All that’s left is the crippling guilt of survival.  

All Oliver can offer Mia is the truth.

It’s a truth he’s learned the long, hard and painful way.

“This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." – Leo McGarry, West Wing

Oliver knows the way out of the hole Mia is in because he’s been there before. Her father reaches for his daughter’s hand and she reaches back.  Oliver had to find his light these past eight years, so he could be the light for his children. Hopefully, her father can make Oliver journey a little easier and a little brighter for Mia.  That’s all any parent wants to do for their children.

Source: olivergifs

Oliver makes his world famous Monte Cristo for William. 

He introduces Mia to them the same way Felicity introduced William to these delectable late night snacks. 

Down to the freaking mannerisms. Well done Ben Lewis.

These are the kind of stories Mia heard, but never experienced. These are the moments she and Oliver missed. The moments neither of them thought they’d ever get back.

The wall comes down. Not all the way, but enough. Mia lets her dad make her a snack. And begins their second chance.

Source: olicitygifs

Diggle and Connor

I said last week it’ll be interesting how Diggle reacts to a son he doesn’t even know he’s going to have. Well… it was a lot like this in the beginning.

Ouch. Sorry Connor. In Diggle’s defense this is a mind blower and the kids don’t know when they’ve landed. Connor doesn’t understand why his father can’t recognize him as a son, but Diggle hasn’t adopted him yet. The last time Diggle this child’s perfect face was when he saved Connor and Sandra, his mother.

The whole custody issue is problematic and John has to download a lot of information, with some sobering realizations, to comprehend what happened. Put it this way. If you discovered you have a kid that you didn’t know about it would take more than a few minutes to sink in.

It does eventually sink in, but Diggle and Connor are still a little uncomfortable around each other. Unfortunately, Mama Lyla is unavailable to serve as wing man during the uncomfortable getting-to-know-you phase. Diggle offers a very sweet, “We always wanted a brother for JJ.” HOW ABOUT A SISTER? (side eyes Barry Allen).

Connor responds to Diggle’s attempt at bonding by lying through his teeth about JJ. Sure, Dad we’re best friends. No Diggle brother curse in the future? Noooope.

Although, from Connor’s perspective, John’s remark could be taken from a slightly different slant. Diggle’s first real moment of warmth was connected to JJ, his biological son. The son he has a relationship with already. John is leaning into what he knows as he navigates this new relationship - not unlike what Oliver is doing with William and Mia.

But John must look at Connor through a JJ lens in order to act paternal towards him. Diggle didn’t do anything wrong and he certainly didn’t mean anything by it, but this doesn’t put Connor at ease. Particularly since he almost murdered the only son Diggle knows and loves. It’s easy to see why he’s keeping that information close to the chest.

Dinah hears through the door Connor calling Grant Wilson JJ, which is a pretty weak plot point, but it gets us where we need to go. Connor tries to cover his lies by telling Dinah she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but we get a very stern Papa Diggle in response.

John: Then you tell me Connor.

This is the first glimpse we’ve seen of John being the firm disciplinarian who holds his sons accountable for each other’s actions. It was hard to imagine Diggle this way when JJ and Connor were reminiscing about their childhoods, but David Ramsey made me believe it in one line.

This is the father Connor knows. Nothing like a little parental authority to make a kid crumble like dominoes. He comes clean and we get a little history too. Grant Wilson did bring the Deathstroke gang to Star City, but JJ eventually inherits the leadership position and is the craziest of all the cray.

Rene is understandably heartbroken over Zoe, in a rage over JJ, and a little pissed off at John. I’m always uncomfortable when this show makes me sympathize with any member of NTA, but here we are, nonetheless. 

Diggle just found out his son is a murdering psychopath, so it hasn’t been a great day for him either. However, it seems Diggle is the only one who watched Back to the Future and believes this horror show we affectionately call the Flash Forwards can change. It could even be the reason why the Monitor sent the children to the present. Jesus, let it be true.

The writers wouldn’t have brought it up if they weren’t going to change some things about the future. I still don’t think we’ll avert the twenty-year separation. (Can the writing gods be that kind?) But Present Team Arrow will help Future Team Arrow become better heroes. Zoe will survive and JJ, by not killing Zoe, will become a redeemable villain. I’m sure some other stuff will change too, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Connor: It was like I stole the love that should have been his.

UGH. Kiddo that is so not how parenting works. Connor is overwhelmed with guilt over JJ and completely blames himself for his actions. It’s not difficult to understand why he feels this way. This is how John raised them. When one brother did something wrong the other was held accountable. But now Connor and JJ are flipped from their childhood. The “good brother” became the “bad brother” and vice versus.

Diggle: What do you want me to say?

Oof. 

This is not Diggle’s best parenting moment, but let’s juts call a spade a spade. The reason why Diggle is not acting like a father to Connor is because he doesn’t feel like his father. John and Lyla haven’t adopted Connor yet. Diggle doesn’t know him. The stranger standing before him now has lied from minute one about the only son he does know.

He has a nice heart to heart with Dinah once he’s calmed down. It took John all of 5 seconds to draw the Andy comparisons, so he’s just piling one guilt on top of another and blaming himself. Hmm… I wonder if that’s where Connor gets it from?

Dinah: Knowing what’s happened can either destroy us or save us. We’ve seen our worst. Now let’s be our best.

Damn. This is a seriously great speech. Holy crap I enjoyed a Dinah moment. I can’t remember the last time that happened. 

If you think this series is ending with the future destroyed and everyone being their worst then I’ve taught you nothing. Follow the yellow brick road. We’re almost home.

Diggle can finally see through his anger and pain when he watches Connor at his best. John can finally see who Connor is when he defuses the bomb.He sees Connor’s intelligence, composure selflessness and bravery. Diggle sees his son. And Connor is everything Diggle dreamed a son could be.

Diggle: You read to go home?

Connor: You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to be a reminder of everything bad that happened to JJ and to your family.

Source: Paige 

It’s everything Connor needed to hear and more. Father and son find their way to forgiveness and it’s a path to a second chance.  

And because Arrow loves us this means shirtless father/son training session. Well, half shirtless. This is the content I am here to see.

Source: Paige

L*urel L*nce

L*urel goes with Mia on recon so she doesn’t slug her dad in the face. She also knows Mia is going to kill Grant Wilson.

L*urel: Clearly no one has informed you that I used to play for team villain. And I can spot a murderous intent a million miles away.

Is L*urel’s background and history being used for a plot point in a way that makes total and absolute sense? The mind reels at the possibility.

Mia’s reasoning for killing Grant Wilson is sound. They tried locking him up in the future, but he always escapes which helps earn his cult status and JJ’s admiration. Mia believes if she kills Grant Wilson then Zoe will live. The guilt she feels over Zoe’s death is too much to bear. She will do absolutely anything to fix it – even if it costs Mia her soul.

Damn… I wonder where I’ve heard this story before.

L*urel knows a thing or two about vengeance and tries to reach Mia by explaining how Felicity was once in a similar position. L*urel talked her out of killing Ricardo Diaz and SAVED THE DAY!

I’m not gonna say anything. It’s fine. Inaccuracies happen all the time in this show. I can let this go

No, I can’t let this go. 

This isn’t exactly how things went down with L*urel, Felicity and Diaz. Yes, L*urel gave Felicity a similar “once you let the darkness in it never comes out” speech in early Season 7. However, she wasn’t overly vexed about Felicity doing some violence. In fact, she was damn near proud of her every time Felicity crossed a line. And L*urel was right there with her. when she did.

Nor was L*urel the reason Felicity didn’t kill Diaz. The first time she pointed a gun at Diaz was when she finally captured him. Felicity was about to pull the trigger when Laurel came in and said she made a deal with the Feds. Oliver would be released from prison if he helped the FBI with their case against Diaz. Yes, L*urel told Felicity she didn’t want to kill Diaz, but she was not the reason Felicity put that gun down. Oliver was.

The second and final time Felicity threatened to kill Diaz she convinced herself. Felicity realized he was no longer a threat. She decides not to kill Diaz because she’s stronger than him. Felicity Smoak is a BAMF and nobody gets to take this moment from her.

I’m not saying L*urel doesn’t deserve any credit. She does, but in typical arrogant BC form she beats the self-congratulatory drum too loud and makes herself the sole savior of Felicity Smoak. No, honey. Not even close.

It’s also frustrating because I wish it was Felicity telling this story to her daughter and not LL. Just one of the many “It sucks that Emily wasn’t in the episode” moments. 

Source: dcladies

At least L*urel recognizes Felicity and Mia are not “women who allow themselves to be talked out of anything.” But this statement negates the “Because I talked her out of it” nonsense she was spewing 15 seconds earlier. Sigh. So close yet so far.

Can we just have one episode where this character makes total and absolute sense? Just one episode we hit on all L*urel cylinders. An episode she feels relevant, doesn’t act like a judgmental, hypocritical, ungrateful asshole, and her history isn’t blatantly ignored for the sake of plot contrivance, and doesn’t contradict herself every five seconds? It would just be nice.

 Stray Thoughts

Nothing makes me sadder than the director choosing a more toned-down delivery of Ben Lewis’, “Excuse me what year is it?” than the one in the promo because the line in the promo was hysterical.

Dinah wonders why The Monitor didn’t bring L*urel back to Star City too - once again highlighting how annoyed The Monitor is she’s still alive and how inconsequential she is to any of his plans. Snort.

To be fair, (because I am for neutral reporting here and Something To Live For) Rene wonders why The Monitor didn’t bring Zoe and JJ back. He probably would have if she wasn’t dead and JJ wasn’t evil.

Connor’s, “Hey are you okay?” to Mia was so soft and nearly identical in tone to whenever Oliver says “Hey” to Felicity, which this means he wants all the babies with her. That’s the maths.

Did they blow up the doctor?

Oliver bragging William is a billionaire to Rene was the cutest to ever cute.

“You’d be proud.” William’s emotional double meaning requires beaucoup de tissues. Yeah, I’m tossing some French you’re way. Gotta keep things fresh.

“Ugh. Curtis. I did not miss you. Not even a little bit.” From my notes watching live.

I feel like this Councilman Rene thing kind of came out of nowhere in the present time, but I’m not actually invested in it so whatever.

“I cannot believe that is your son. I can however definitely believe that is your daughter.” Okay, this was funny and only made funnier by Oliver’s annoyance. Curtis is there for a hot minute and already bugging him. Dude so much same.

Yes, canaries are plural Dinah. Nobody is happy about it.

The Canary set up for the spin off was LAME.

Connor: There’s a Canary network in the future.

Dinah & L*urel: Let’s eat French fries dipped in milkshakes (trademark LL bonding) and create a Canary network.

Soooo… killing Vinny isn’t a thing anymore? When did that not become a thing? Dinah and L*urel have barely spoke this season and now they are besties? I see shoehorning canaries into plot because of contractual obligations will continue in the spin off. Yippee.

“At least we didn’t die.” Oliver Jonas Queen, God gave you a daughter just like you because He is a just and fair God.

I cannot call it Original Team Arrow because they are missing an original member so it’s Present Team Arrow until Felicity’s return.

“I’m not exactly a big fan of your father’s. He’s kind of a dick.” Should’ve let her fry, Oliver.

“John, we’re good. You too, Connor. I can’t be mad at either of you for something I will never let happen.” WHY ARE ALL THE CHARACTERS MAKING SENSE AND SAYING THINGS I LOVE? I’M SCARED HOLD ME.

I am Oliver. My twenty-something friends are William. LOL Source:  felicitysmoak

How has Mia not watched The Shawshank Redemption?

"Mom really liked playing fast and loose with the fourth amendment huh?" WILLIAM’S. BEST. LINE. EVER.

They brought in Curtis to usurp William's skills. Yup, he really is Felicity 2.0.

Has Mia been wearing a Green Arrow suit the whole season and I never noticed or was she just in really great leather this week? I can’t tell on my TV screen.

OMG this moment gave me LIFE. I will be abusing that gif of William. Source:  arrowdaily

If Connor learned what an intervalometer bomb is from John then did John learn it from Connor? Wrap your noodle around that time travel mind bender.

Mia’s hair was so extra this week. Source:  miasmoakdaily

All I wanted this entire episode was for Mia, William and Oliver to bake cookies. So I will take payment in the form of Monte Cristos. I’m getting my way a lot this season, so I would also like to ask the Arrow writers for a million dollars. Thanks a bunch.

“Or we make our own hope.” Deathstrokes are off the board for the time being.  The future is getting a second chance too. You can’t hear me but I’m singing the times they are a-changin’

A very special thanks to Muriel for editing all the gifs. You are a live saver and I am so grateful for your help!

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 8x04 gifs credited.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

[blodreina-noumou]

question: how sexist do you think the show is? I used to think it used to be the height of feminism (I was a dumbass) but I want your opinion on what it does wrong, etc because as time goes on the way the narrative treats female characters is disturbing to say the least, at least to me

Be kind to yourself, anon - at one point, I do think this show was pretty good in terms of representing women in a diverse, positive way. While not “the height of feminism” (which is a tricky thing to pin down anyway,) the early seasons featured a range of women of all ages, abilities, races, and most sexual orientations. 

Back in 2014, when it premiered, I think it was actually doing pretty good work at not only featuring these female characters, but making sure that their storylines included agency and motivations that went beyond what the men in their lives wanted/needed.

But the show has slipped a lot since then. Not only have our standards lifted, but the writing itself has taken a serious dive, and season six was the lowest point so far, for me. If we look at the way the female characters’ motivations have changed from season to season, it’s clear that, at some point, the writers kind of forgot that these women have agency and conflicting motivations, and don’t just exist to prop up the missions of the men or children in their lives.

In s1 and s2, Clarke was all about making firm choices and sticking with them. She was motivated by the safety of her friends and the rest of The Hundred, and a general impulse to “do the right thing.” No one single person or role compelled her - she was flexible and realistically able to fit into leadership positions, rebellion stoking, and squad commander. Although she was backed into a corner, it still felt as though her choices were hers.

In s5 and s6, Clarke is a “mama bear” driven into a illogical frenzy at the thought of her adoptive daughter being put into any sort of danger whatsoever, despite that being a reality of the world when one actually has to interact with people. Her decisiveness becomes impulsiveness, and her motivations are drained of all their complexity. It just becomes “Madi, Madi, Madi,” with no room for anyone else, and even less room for flexibility. She’s one-note, now. By giving her exactly one motivation in her life, one singular person to focus all of her affection and need to protect on, she’s been stripped of all of her complexity and agency. This is made even worse by the fact that she spent half the season on ice, essentially dead to the world, while her body was inhabited by the most charming lil sociopath this show has ever seen - one Josephine Lightbourne. A character who should have been a refreshing return to that kind of complexity, but falls flat for her own reasons. 

In s6 we’re introduced to one of the most interesting characters in The 100 universe. A cunning, cutthroat, cold young woman with a cheery disposition and enough cleverness to kill a cat with a smile. Josie has been alive, on some level, for hundreds of years. She’s seen untold violence, and has become a greedy, selfish, cruel woman because of it. You would think that this kind of person’s return to life in this universe would’ve been earth-shattering - that she would’ve had some sort of epic, evil plan, motivated by the need to grab more and more power for herself. But what did Josie really, truly want in the end, more than anything? To reunite with her ex-boyfriend and body-snatch until the end of time, so she could stay with him, forever and ever. She was motivated, at the end of the day, purely by her romantic feelings for a man.

That’s disappointing to me. Especially because, in the latter half of the series, everyone’s motivations, but especially the women’s, end up coming down to one person - a person who is dependant on them for affection/comfort/softness/love, etc. Basically, everyone has now been hamstrung by their inability to focus on anything other than one person. And for each of the women, that’s often meant taking on the role of supportive girlfriend/mother, rather than having agency and goals of her own.

Other examples - Emori was a background character for most of season six, basically Harper Mcintyre’d, right up until her necessary betrayal of Josephine and Murphy becomes relevant to the plot. Echo was sidelined by her longterm romantic partner, ending up in serious danger, while he gallivanted off making googly eyes at his (old??) best friend, and this was treated as perfectly acceptable. Raven has been reduced to nagging shrew, and was also more or less set dressing until she become plot relevant to Madi’s story. Madi herself was the literal meat puppet of a creepy dude controlling her brain. Abby lived just long enough to make a meaningful sacrifice as a grandmother and then died. And so on.

I think that, as the series went on, and more and more characters and set dressings and crazy scenarios were added, the writers had to simplify character motivations and story arcs. If you just compare everything Raven went through and had to do in s2 (losing use of her leg; learning to use a brace; her romance with Wick; cracking the Mt Weather radios; figuring out how to stop the acid fog; watching her first love die; dealing with her grief; getting seriously wounded again at the end of the season, etc,) with what she had to do in s6 (work on a motorcycle; chastise Ryker for being a body-snatcher; watch Abby die; save Madi from Sheidheda) - it’s clear that the writers have shelved certain characters for the sake of others.

And what ate up the most time this season? The story of the Lightbournes, which is ultimately, yet again, a story about how a small group of people are solely motivated by protecting only each other, even if at the cost of everyone else. Specifically, Josephine is motivated by wanting to protect Gabriel from death forever, and her parents (particularly Russell) are motivated by making her happy, whatever the cost.

A cautionary tale for our OG heroes? Maybe, but it sure didn’t feel that way during the season.

The weird flipside of this is the way Bellamy and Russell existed purely for women in this season. Bellamy wanted nothing but to save Clarke, Russell wanted nothing but to save Josephine. But the difference is that, even within their singularly-focused motivations, Bellamy and Russell still had agency, and they both ended up making more decisions for the women in their lives than those women made for themselves. They moved the plot around the women, who simply had no choice but to react accordingly.

I think the show is trying to not be sexist, but in its current bloated state, it’s gotten really lazy, and the writers have lost sight of the complexity and characterization that made s1-s3 more impactful. I think JRoth and Co are probably bored with this universe - that’s why s6 was such an insane leap in tone, setting, and world-building.

And I think, like most human beings, they’ve allowed themselves to get comfortable with what they’ve already achieved. Unfortunately, the “good representation” aspect of this show has suffered a lot for it.

The short answer is: on a “how sexist” scale from 1-10, with 1 being “super sexist” and 10 being “not sexist at all” - we started at an 8, now we’re at about a 4. The show has done better. It will probably never do better again.

[afoolforatook]

Thank you, Wellies

So. I’ve been trying to do both class work and working on wips and just nothing is clicking. So, I thought I should go ahead and do this post, that I’ve been putting off, because.....it’s next week y’all.... So here goes. 

Here’s my original post, that explains what this comic meant to me four years ago. 

And here’s what it means to me now. (this is really long, sorry)

Man, I don’t really even know where to start this. How to start to say thank you. To Ngozi, to all of you.... It’s not possible to fully express what all of you have been for me the past four years. What this story has been for me. 

So many things have changed since I made this post almost four years ago. 

So many things haven’t. 

I’ve been way less active in the fandom since starting at SCAD, and I really was never that incredibly active to begin with, outside of my small group of friends on a discord server. 

And at times I feel bad about that. 

But it’s not because I don’t care about or need this community anymore. 

Rather it’s because this community, this story, gave me the strength to keep moving, and now I want to keep doing so, and make something that might one day even barely begin to show my gratitude. 

So until then, all I can do is say thank you over and over. I can never possibly say it enough. 

But still I wanted to thank you now, and try to explain to you what this comic about hockey and pies has meant to me, one last time before it ends. So that’s what I’ll try to do. 

It was surreal rereading this old post earlier this week. Reading 

“I think I could write a book just of our history and everything leading up to now and the details of this whole event” 

When I wrote this post four years ago, I honestly couldn’t imagine a future where I’d be anything other than incomplete.Or even a future at all. Everyday was just getting up and making myself keep breathing, keep trying to push towards something, even though I had no idea what that could ever be. 

For the first year I wrote daily journal entries, telling Emma about what happened that day, screaming at the universe for doing this, trying to help my future self remember little things, because everything was so hard to hold on to. 

Update days were always something nearly sacred to me. And really not even from a fan point of view. I don’t read them around other people. I sit somewhere quiet, by myself, and read slowly. Because they are little moments I try to share with her still. The only person I want with me when I read them that first time is her, in whatever capacity I can bring myself to imagine. 

A few months after the crash, I found one of Emma’s Spotify playlists. She made playlists for everything; birthday and Christmas presents, mood playlists, friend playlists, monthly playlists. 

This was her May 2016 playlist. Last updated May 16th. Two days before the crash. 

That playlist was literally the only thing I listened to for months on end. 38 songs.Over and over. 

And as I listened I started to think that, just maybe, some of these songs she put there for me. 

West Coast; the song me and Emma would send to each other after high school whenever we wanted to let the other know how much we missed them. 

All I Want is to Be Your Girl. I mean?? 

Slowly I found lyrics in every song that even if just in my own fantasy, were little messages from Emma, telling me to keep going, how to stay strong. 

I was always looking for stories, books, movies, songs, anything about someone grieving the kind of loss I was. Nothing I found felt like it really represented me. If it was about someone young, it was due to suicide or violence or illness. If it was a car crash, it was about a parent or child. If it somehow fit my other demographics, it was never queer. 

I felt totally alone in the exact manifestation of my grief. Like no one else could understand all the tiny details that seemed, to me, to make this all more and more cartoonishly cruel. 

(though one of the most touching moments of my life will always be when Emma’s step mom, the only person in her family who knows about us, sent me a book about grieving a spouse. I cried for hours when I opened that.)

I didn’t have outside representation, support. But I had journals. I had Emma’s songs. I had poems and a handful of inktober drawings. I had my little update moments of connection. And I had so much to say. 

Months, years, of isolation gives you a lot of time to examine your feelings, to question the meaning of things, to think about what exactly grief looked like to you and about how you wanted to live the rest of your life, as someone grieving a love. 

And slowly I began to connect those thoughts to individual lyrics from Emma’s playlist and that helped me actually write all those thoughts out, organize them. 

And that’s how The Mixtape Project started (I still hate using the word memoir. I had to find something else to call it). A book about us. About Emma. About all those thoughts I’d had so long to sit with. Structured around the songs from her playlist. 

I remember the exact moment that I realized that Check Please was going to actively change my life. I was talking to my dad about it, about why I loved the storytelling, the characters, the art, so much. 

I’d told him many times before. But it was always tied to Emma in a way, or to the reasons that I identified with Jack. It was always a little sad in some way. 

But this time. This time it was just excitement. It was just a kid who has always loved words, gushing about a story that fascinated them. 

And I realized. It was the first time I had been just happy, excited, in the months since losing Emma. I remembered all those ideas Emma helped me with in high school, how we gushed over stories like that. I remembered what it was like to just love something and want to create, just because it made you happy. 

I knew I couldn’t go back to UNCA, and none of the other creative writing programs I had looked at seemed like they would fit the new person I was. 

So, for the hell of it, looking for some idea at how to start my life over, I looked at Ngozi’s personal story. And there was SCAD. There was sequential art. 

Now. I’d never ever considered myself an artist. I went to an art high school, I knew art kids. I was never one of them. But that sequential part? That. THAT was what I wanted. That was what I could still be excited about. 

That was how I could pull the Mixtape Project together. The writing, the poems, the art, the music. Comics. Sequential art. A graphic memoir that played with the format. That was the project that kept me going. That was what I was working for. That was the first future I was able to see now that Emma was gone. 

So, for the first time since literally elementary school, I took an art class (also took a mythology class at the same time, which really helped keep my art and storytelling tied). 

I loved it. I was actually happy with my work, surprised by my work and how quickly I felt like I improved (I wouldn’t learn about aphantasia until I got to SCAD, and understand that that drawing 1 class had been so fun, and in a way, easy, because it was all direct observation, and that drawing from memory and imagination would be a much steeper learning curve for me.)

So, when the class ended I thought ‘you know, maybe some kind of art school could be a good idea.’

And then one of my life long best friends, a SCAD animation student, encouraged me to apply, to just go for it. 

And I did. It was a long shot, I was sure. We couldn’t afford it. Why would I get that in that kind of commitment, debt,  after 1 art class? It wasn’t logical. But it felt good. So I did. 

And then I got accepted, and the initial excitement soon fell away, to me and my parents knowing that it really wasn’t doable. 

But we went to admitted students day, just to see. And when we got home, both of my parents cried for a long time. The first happy cry in our house for over two years.

Because they had decided that they had to figure out a way to make it work. 

Because standing in Haymans hall was the first time they had seen me excited about the future since Emma died. It was the first time they’d seen me feel like there was somewhere I was meant to be, that there was somewhere I could fit again. 

So we made it happen. I’ll still be in debt for years, and it’s not necessarily something I’d wholeheartedly recommend to kids getting out of high school, that debt isn’t worth it for many people. 

For me it wasn’t really even worth it exactly for SCAD itself, and you’ll have plenty of professors tell you here that really what you pay for isn’t the education but the networking. 

But for me. For me it was worth it. 

Because I wasn’t wasting away in my basement. 

And I really wasn’t where I’d have liked to have been, ideally, before starting. I was a BRAND new artist. My portfolio for my application was solely my writing work. I hadn’t ever done anything more than scribbled fan comics in my sketchbook. I was coming in wayyyyy behind where most other people were. But I couldn’t wait to feel like I was good enough to be there. There was a strong chance that it was quite literally, a matter of survival. I was reaching a breaking point after nearly three years of isolation and grief with no outlet. The future debt was less of a concern than making sure I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown or worse. 

Now, of course, it hasn’t all been easy or fun or happy once I got here. I’ve doubted myself, I’ve had awful weeks, months, been stressed, unmotivated, in pain, near burnout. 

The first quarter I was absolutely miserable because I had literally no social life. 

Because I was an agoraphobic 23 yr old, living with 17/18 yr olds fresh out of high school. And if I wasn’t careful, I’d dissociate so easily. I’d let myself believe that I was still a teenager fresh from high school. That the past three years of agony hadn’t happened. That I could call Emma and it would ring again. She would answer again. And that illusion was a dangerous pit to fall into. 

And it wasn’t until this fall that my social life really started to improve, beyond one or two close friends. And even still, while it’s much better, it’s nothing like UNCA, like the tight knit family I had that made me identify with SMH and the Haus atmosphere so much. 

But I was moving forward. Agonizingly slowly sometimes. But still forward. 

And then last Spring quarter, just about a year ago, I was in Survey for SEQA. Basically comic book history class. And our final was a 4 page research comic on a comic artist we admired. So of course, I was going to do mine on Ngozi. 

The comic was due at the end of the quarter, the end of May. 

Now, that quarter was the first time I was actually in SEQA classes; Survey, and Intro. 

And those four pages would be the first fully colored, refined comic pages I had EVER done. It was intimidating. I didn’t want to mess it up. Especially because this wasn’t some big name of some far off artist you would never have any connection to. This was someone who all my professors knew. 

I ended up getting extremely lucky and had the chance to email Ngozi and ask if she’d be able to give for a quote for the project, advice for current SCAD students. 

She replied to my email the weekend of the 3rd anniversary. (I then spent hours on a thank you email - because that’s who I am, I can’t not over analyze anything I’m sending to someone important - and then I managed to save it to drafts instead of actually sending it...something I would not notice until literally months later and be absolutely mortified about my apparent rudeness of never thanking her.)

I still am not really happy with how that project came out. I still had (and have) a lot to learn, and it shows. I have, in no way, become an amazing comic artist overnight. I wasn’t expecting to.

But that short email exchange, falling on that weekend; it felt special. It felt like some speck of proof that I was doing the right thing. That things could actually go well in my life again. That if I kept going, I might actually get somewhere that I wanted to be. That maybe I really could make The Mixtape Project happen, if I just kept at it here. 

And then I found out that in the fall, Ngozi would be the SEQA mentor. 

Unfortunately by the time I had all the details about how to apply, the quarter had started and there were only a couple of weeks before it was due, and the only pages I had even anywhere close to being portfolio ready were either my research comic or a few older Check Please fan comics, none of which I would even have considered putting in that portfolio (I’m not 100% certain it would actually have come across as sucking up but it sure felt like it would have). And despite my best efforts, it just wasn’t possible, with how slow I work and having to keep up with classwork, for me to get a portfolio ready in time. 

That hurt for a while. I felt like I had this clear sign of perfect timing. How could I pass up that chance? How could I forgive myself for not doing everything I could to earn that experience? How was I not letting Emma down if I ruined this opportunity? 

It took a while to get out of that negative thought spiral. But I did, and it’s still a bummer, but it’s okay. 

And something that really helped? 

In October, Ngozi still came to campus to give a lecture. And that would have been good enough; just sitting in on that helped me feel excited, encouraged again. But then, after the lecture (with my amazing roommate waiting patiently behind with me, to make sure I didn’t actually have a panic attack on the way home) I got to talk to her. 

We all hope to one day get to talk to the people who inspired us, whose work we love, to tell them how much they mean to us. And yes, I was a little version of starstruck. 

But that wasn’t why I was shaking. That wasn’t why I told her I was going to do my best to get this out without crying (and I did, I’m proud to say). 

It was because I had the opportunity, while at the school that had given me a chance to start my life again, to thank the woman who was in all likelihood, one of the main reasons I was even still alive. If it had not been for Check Please I wouldn’t have had that good thing to keep sharing with Emma. I wouldn’t have found sequential art, at least not for a while longer probably. I wouldn’t have been able to finally picture a future I wanted to get to. 

And I’ll be honest, I don’t remember 90% of what I actually said that night to Ngozi. 

But I told her my story. I told her about Emma. About how Check Please was the last thing we got to share. I thanked her. And she was wonderful and kind and emotional and hugged me a couple of times, and even though I don’t remember a lot of what I actually said; it was something that will be one of the most important, affirming moments of my life. 

I didn’t have a panic attack on the way home. I somehow managed to not cry until we were back to our dorm. But I was stunned. 

Not even because of the amazing moment I had been able to have with Ngozi. 

But because it hit me. 

I was doing it. I was there. I had actually made it this far. 

Somewhere that just over a year ago I never would have believed was possible. 

A time when, two years before, I hadn’t even been sure I could make it to alive. 

That weekend was my 24th birthday. And it was the first birthday since I left UNCA at 19, that I didn’t just hate the fact that I was getting older. That I was moving away from the happiest parts of my life so far. 

Yes it still hurt getting further from Emma, putting another tick on the years that I got that she didn’t. 

But I was actually finally excited at the idea of even having a future, let alone having an idea of what it could be. 

February was a difficult month for me. I have another (entirely way too long) post about why everything that happened with RWBY and Fairgame was so difficult for me, but to put it simply; my hope for the future was shaken.

I was back in the toxic negative thought spirals I had fought for years to train myself out of. 

I was seeing Emma, or her brother, or her mom, in crowds; something I hadn’t experienced since the first few months after the crash. I was in one of the biggest crisis moments I’d had since Emma’s death. 

But I was more experienced than when I was 20. 

It wasn’t fun, a lot of it probably wasn’t the ideal way to cope, but I did it. And I kept up with my work. I isolated more, but not completely. I made myself vent on snapchat or tumblr, and not worry about oversharing or annoying people, because it was either get it out or let it fester in my head.  And I couldn’t afford to let that happen. 

In mid March, I made a pitch packet for my comic scripting final. 

It was for The Mixtape Project. It was hard, and nerve-wracking, and there’s still mountains of work to be done. 

But after my initial synopsis (first of like seven versions, cause trying to put this thing in a good synopsis format is a nightmare) my professor told me that he thought my story had potential. 

That he could see it being published. He suggested, knowing that I was planning on taking his advanced scripting course this quarter (hey remember how mid march was only a few weeks ago?? Huh?? wild), that I keep working on it, and see about taking it to Editor’s day (SEQA students’ opportunity to basically pitch themselves and their ideas to publishers). 

Now, my professor is by no means an overly harsh critic, and is plenty supportive in general. 

But I also knew that that was not just something he said to students all the time. That he meant it. 

Editor’s Day (now online) is in mid May. The week of the 4th anniversary of Emma’s death, to be exact. 

Everything is a mess right now, and I’m stressed and tired and scared and heartbroken (this will be the first time since I was 9 that I have not had Merlefest; the highlight of my year, and since Emma’s death; the last big happy thing before I plunge into the nightmare that is May). 

Tuesday will come. Check Please will end. I will continue to support Ngozi and her work after Bitty’s story ends. 

But it will be sad. It won’t be easy. 

This thing that has been my tether to the most important person in my life, will still be there, but it will be over. 

It will have a concrete end. It will no longer be part of the future I am pushing towards. 

But I am a different person than the shattered kid who wrote this post four years ago. 

I’m not who I was before Emma died. I never will be. I’d never try to be. I want Emma back more than anything. But that won’t happen. And as long as this is all real, I never want to pretend this didn’t happen. 

That I didn’t shatter in a way that will never heal like people expect. 

I’m still all those shattered pieces that wrote this post. Maybe a few have had the edges dulled, maybe I’ve lost a few, glued a few together perfectly, maybe picked up a few stray pieces that didn’t come from the me from before. 

But I will be those shattered pieces for the rest of my life. 

They won’t magically fuse back together. I work every day to hold them, to keep myself in some shape that resembles a functioning person. 

Some days I fail. Some days, I am too tired to even try. Some days, I am so angry, I’d rather hurl the pieces at whatever power or fate or god or chaos decided that I got to live and she didn’t. 

But those days pass. 

And I learn how to hold the pieces better, how to avoid the sharpest edges, how to take care of the wounds when I inevitably cut myself on one, how to allow other people to help me hold them, how to accept that some pieces may feel safe and smooth and comforting but they are traps, illusions that are the easy way to do things, but not the healthy way, not the way that will help me achieve my goals.

That person, made of all those unholdable pieces, four years ago, was staying alive for everyone else but themself. 

And some days I still am. 

For my parents. For Emma. For all the other queer, mentally ill, grieving kids and young adults and just people, who are looking for the same representation I was, who feel as alone as I still do so often. 

But some days. 

On those really good days. 

I’m alive, carrying all those pieces, just because I want to be. For me. 

I want to spin around in the morning, singing along to my bluegrass spotify. I want to get excited over finally figuring out how to write that line that was giving me so much trouble, or finish that sketch that I never thought I could manage. I want to hope that despite how awful everything seems, there’s still a good future out there. It’s still possible to be happy some days. 

I want to cry because I get to see Jack and Bitty get the happy ending that me and Emma didn’t. 

And now, unlike that version of me from four years ago, when it ends, I will have things still. 

Things that I have worked everyday to reach, to deserve, to hold out to people and say

 “Hey, sometimes everything hurts and you know that things will never be what they were, and parts of you will always miss that. But there are still things you can find that hurt less, that ease the hurt, that teach you how to better hold the hurt, to stop trying to say it doesn’t exist or trying to get rid of it completely and hating yourself when you can’t. You can still be hurt, be irreparably broken in so many places, and still find the happy things. You are still worthy of love, no matter how broken you are. Your worth is not tied to how much you are able to heal.  You are worthy of so much love, just because you are still here, no matter how many tiny pieces you are in.”  

The thing is, I will still always have a future that includes Emma. Because I couldn’t tell you exactly which of my pieces are from her, but so many of them are. 

There is no version of me, from here on to the day I die, that does not have her influence embedded in every piece. 

These days I try to be a little kinder to myself. It doesn’t always work, but I try. 

Because, to Emma, I was Bitty. I radiated that “thing”. 

Whether or not I saw it in myself, doesn’t matter, because she did. 

But to me she was the one who radiated. 

And she is a part of me. She can’t radiate that “thing” herself anymore. 

But I can, at least I can try.

Because If this person I loved and trusted so immensely, saw something worth loving in me? There must be something there worth loving, right? 

And if she is a part of me for the rest of my life, how can I hate myself? How can I do anything but keep going so that, even if just in my head, a part of her gets to keep going too. 

My family and friends joke that every friend group I’ve ever had calls me something different. And really it’s not a joke. In middle school I was CB #4 (that’s a long, terribly embarrassing, story). In high school I was Pond (and many variations there of: Pondala, Pondy, Raindrop, Puddle, you get the picture). At UNCA, when I came out as nonbinary, I started going by Auden. When I went home it was back to Meagan; Meagan always felt right with my parents. 

With Emma I was always Meagan. We were Meagan and Emma. Megma. Meagan and Emma have online adventures!

After she was gone, Meagan didn’t really feel like me anymore. I loved Meagan, I missed Meagan, I wished I could still really fully be Meagan, and I’m okay still being Meagan sometimes. 

But that real Meagan. The Meagan that was Emma’s Meagan. Doesn’t exist anymore. I lost that Meagan somewhere in that first night of screaming and trying to break my hand against the wall, so I could just feel something other than the agony of Emma being gone.

When I joined a Check Please chat group, a few months after the crash, we gave each other hockey nicknames. I was Farley. 

My second quarter at SCAD, I started going by Farley. It stuck. 

That’s who this version of me is. This new artist, still figuring things out, but still going. 

I may not always stay Farley (other than ya’know artist ‘branding’. We’ll see) but that’s okay. Farley is who I need to be right now. 

Farley is who will finish The Mixtape Project. 

(because of two people mishearing both my nickname and last name I will, at least once in my career, use the pseudonym Fartley McFarmland and no one will stop me). 

I can’t imagine what, who, will come after Farley, if anything.

But Check Please will always be a part of making Farley, and every future version of me, exist. 

I could go on and on about how beautiful this story and these characters are, how inspiring Ngozi is, how genius her storytelling is, how powerful and important her work is. I could go on for days about all of that. But this is already so long, and I know that so many of you can go on about that probably way better than I could currently. 

But, as many of my professors tell us over and over, only I can tell this story. My story. Emma’s story. Our story. And it’s one I plan on telling for the rest of my life. 

And Check Please, Ngozi, will forever be the thing that made that possible.

So thank you. Those two words that are way too small to say it all. 

Thank you. 

Every fic writer

Every artist

Every rper 

Every chat friend

Every shitposter

Every theorist or meta poster

Every fan

Thank you. 

B. “Shitty” Knight. 

Larissa “Lardo” Duan

Adam “Holster” Birkholtz

Justin “Ransom” Oluransi

John Johnson

Ollie O'Meara 

Pacer Wicks

Jenny and Mandy

Nicholas and Jean-Claude

Coach Hall 

Coach Murray

Suzanne Bittle

Richard “Coach” Bittle

William “Dex” Poindexter

Derek “Nursey” Nurse

Chris “Chowder” Chow

Kent Parson

Alicia Zimmermann

“Bad” Bob Zimmermann

Tony “Tango” Tangredi

Connor “Whiskey” Whisk

Denice “Foxtrot” Ford

Fry Guy

Georgia “Georgie” Martin

Alexei “Tater” Mashkov

Sebastian “Marty” St. Martin

Dustin “Snowy” Snow

Poots

Randall “Thirdy” Robinson

Jonathan “Hops” Hopper

River “Bully” Bullard

Lukas “Louis” Landmann

(I’m almost certain I had to have missed someone)

Thank you.

Jack “Zimmboni” Laurent Zimmermann

Thank you.

Eric “Bitty” Richard Bittle

Thank you.

Ngozi Ukazu

Thank you. For everything. 

For having my back. I’ll always have yours.

Always yours, 

Farley M.

[repeatedceesaw]

Teen Wolf

Welcome to PART TWO of a friend / roommate request for Sadie based off Teen Wolf. Ultimately this all just comes down to found family and everyone (or almost everyone) living in the same building being rented to them by the resident 'old man hangs out with young adults' landlord. Most of the characters will have known each other since 18 if not before, but while I've written mostly actual information about the characters, they're definitely more of guidelines in some parts due to the different universe mechanics. I've given three ideas for classes for each character but they're definitely suggestions and make the characters your own.

CONTENT WARNING This request contains references to family death, child abuse, and just generally shitty backstories.

(find part 1 here )

Isaac Lahey

Open ✖ 22-24 ✖ combat / urban magic / healing ✖ open ✖ Occupation: student ✖ Short Bio: final member of the ‘didn’t used to have power and suddenly came into their own’ squad, isaac is… a dick. but like many of the others, he has a pretty good reason. after a large loss in the family, isaac was left alone with his father who was too overcome with anger and grief to even think about being a good parent. with a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma from an abusive father, when isaac finally felt like he had some power, he let it go to his head and became a nightmare to deal with. while he was never exceptionally violent (except to Jackson but they have history), he was big on property destruction and intimidation. although he’s relaxed a lot more now, he’s born of sass and snark. generally it’s either stiles or jackson he’s fighting with, it’s possible this is some sort of bonding ritual. has a very complicated relationship with jackson, and a rivalry for scott’s attention with stiles. big feelings for allison (and maybe some big feelings for scott, which is all sorts of complicated). makes jokes about his past sometimes but often very sensitive if anyone else brings it up.

Jackson Whittemore

Open ✖ 22-24 ✖ combat / elemental magic / animal magic ✖ open ✖ Occupation: student ✖ Short Bio: the token douchebag. popular, sporty, general asshole jock. adopted when he was a baby and turned into a nightmare of a kid when he found out accidentally when he was a child. never said i love you to his parents again after that and covered up his insecurity and abandonment issues with a jockish assholery. dated lydia for most of their teenage years on and off and although he could be an asshole to her too, she’s one of the very few people he truly cared about. the kind of guy who will complain bitterly about having to watch The Notebook again or picking up sanitary products from the store, but will do it. Very much a facade but when you tell a lie long enough it starts to become the truth. Will listen to Lydia the most, followed by Allison. Knew about Isaac’s home problems but never reported it. Says it was because it wasn’t his business but Isaac’s father was Jackson’s coach so if he had reported it and no-one took it seriously, Jackson’s ass would be on the line too. Did end up ‘taking care’ of Isaac’s father in a state of being unable to control his magic, so obviously there’s a lot of very confusing feelings between them but maybe they’re working on it. maybe.

Kira Yukimura

Open ✖ 22-24 ✖ defense / elemental magic / representation magic ✖ open ✖ Occupation: student ✖ Short Bio: New to the group and highkey confused about all this history they have. confused cinnamon roll who will kick your ass if needed but tries to avoid fights. Just happy to have friends. made sure Allison was okay with Kira having feelings for Scott before she ever acted on them because he’s cute but friends come first and she’s happy just being friends with scott. intimidated by most of them but weirdly not by derek at all since she missed most of his ‘big bad wolf’ posturing and likes to just sit down and talk or read their books mostly in silence. could kick jackson’s ass with a smile and will not be looked down on for taking more defensive magic. bonds with erica over comic books and sometimes they argue so loudly about favorite characters that boyd has to step in.

Others

potential other characters i can try write up if someone is interested:

malia - derek’s cousin he didn’t know he had. figuratively raised by wolves and has zero filter. new to the group and magic society so tends to stick to them otherwise will inevitably offend someone. asks a lot of very good questions about why people lie just to be nice. (22-24, possibly animal magic)

cora - derek’s younger sister. had her own found family far away from derek after the big traumatic event of them losing their family. judging him just so hard for being a failure but loves him all the same. lowkey interested in lydia bc why wouldn’t you be interested in someone who meets you head on. (21-24, possibly representation magic)

danny - jackson’s best friend, teaser of stiles, all around good guy who is way too nice and smart to be around any of them, original token gay but he’s so much more than that thank you, absolute whiz with computers (22-24, specifically whatever age jackson is, definitely technomancy or cyberpathy)

[doctorcanon]

Isolde Sophia Fraldarius

Part of my Fire Emblem Redux. Felix has a mom because I said so. I love representation for neurodivergent parents particularly mothers. Isolde tries her best okay? She just really misses Glenn and worries about Felix. She’s been married to Rodrigue for 35 years and they are still very much in love, thank you very much. I’ve already done Sylvain’s Mother. I might do Lady Gaspard because Ashe needs a mom too. One of these days I’m going to write a cohesive piece. It is not this day. 

Felix’s Mother. Formerly a ward of House Galatea, though not by blood relation.

Her father was a commoner and a very close family friend of Lord Galatea’s Father. When he died, she was adopted into the family and given her middle name “Sophia”. 

She and Lord Galatea were once reluctantly engaged to be married but he broke off the engagement upon realizing that she and Rodrigue were madly in love. 

However, their past had nothing to do with Glenn and Ingrid’s Engagement.

A talented business woman and particularly talented with arithmetic and money. Has a great eye for detail. Runs a tight ship. Even the most experienced maids fear her scrutiny. 

Loves her children deeply but struggles with affection. Tends toward gifts and acts of service rather than pda.

Quite the opposite of her husband. She’s infamously fearsome and lowkey bloodthirsty. Goes from 1 to 100 in a blink of an eye. A former Dancer class knight who taught Felix everything he knows. 

Considered to be the greatest living noblewomen in Fodlan because both her sons were born with crests. Fraldarius being the richest noble house in Faergus might also have something to do with it.

Suffering from the grief, after losing her eldest son and closest friend, Analucia Gautier, within months of each other. Most days she’s fine, but prone to long bouts of sadness during which she will lock herself away in her rooms and only ring for food when it is absolutely necessary.

Daily routine helps to get her out of these episodes the most. It helps remind her that life goes on and she must continue living. Her son and husband need her. 

Most famous for the saying, “In life, unlike chess, the game continues after Checkmate.” Lots of young women in Fodlan like to quote her. 

Slapped Rodrigue in the face when said The Terrible Thing but she eventually forgave him when she saw him sobbing over their son’s grave.

However, Felix still resents her. He can’t believe that after everything they’ve suffered through that she had to gall to forgive Rodrigue for his transgressions. While she might not revere the chivalry and knighthood he so despises, she’s an enabler which is just as bad if not worse.. 

He does respond to her letters though. He might even worry about her. 

Articulate but tends to overshare. 

Proud mom. Speaks very highly of Felix. Still even brags on Glenn even after his death.

Also adores Dimitri but is kind of at a loss to deal with him after Glenn died. Their conversations are very awkward. 

Consistently tries to reach out to Sylvain, the son of her closest friend but he never seems to respond. Sometimes she swears that he’s actively avoiding her. 

Didn’t understand why Rodrigue hated Baptiste so much until recently. 

Keeps a lock of Glenn’s hair in a locket she wears all the time. 

Is 100% not okay with Felix being at the monastery but knows that Dimitri can’t go alone.

[hopevalley]

What are your favorite and least stories from each Season and why?

Oh man, this is a really thought-provoking question! I’ll try to come up with good answers (even though sometimes the seasons blur together a little bit):

I’ll give some basic thoughts on each season and what worked/didn’t work for me.

Season 1

While I appreciate that they made the effort to have Elizabeth stick out (vs. blending in with all the Poors), she was downright unbearable at times in the early seasons. Her wanting to help and coming up with ideas is pretty decent in terms of story structure and even characterization/character motivation, but holy cow was it intrusive and nosy/patronizing of her sometimes! I think the point might have been to give Elizabeth flaws, which is great, but people just seemed to accept it, and her, too quickly, at least for my liking. A shame because I felt like her struggling to fit in would 1) be good for her character/force her to understand that to be accepted here she has to concede to giving up her former lifestyle, and 2) be a great, GREAT way for her and Abigail to bond and become friends, since this is something Abigail also struggled with!

So basically, the ‘story’ of Elizabeth coming to fit in in Coal Valley? Vaguely rubbish.

So much DID work, though, and could have been expanded upon for even better storytelling!!! This is especially true of the widows/related stories.

Loss of faith/faltering faith

Loss of personal identity

Moving on/past grief

Processing guilt 

Protecting the memory of a deceased loved one

We also had some great smaller personal stories.

Genius child has to work in the mine because there’s no one else ot take care of his family

Young man can’t read and has to work in the mine (and even after he does start learning how to read, probably doesn’t get to leave). Elizabeth still taking the time to try and help him still means something!

Season 2

I will never forgive the series for its convoluted attempt at a love triangle, here. Charles wasn’t unlikable, but he was OBVIOUSLY interested in Elizabeth romantically, and I don’t feel she’d be so stupid as to be blind to that, old chum or not.

Basically, it was one of the worst plots to ever exist on the show, because it just wasn’t believable in any capacity and felt like drama that existed to be a roadblock more than anything.

Also, not to whine, but Bill’s whole ‘counterfeit money’ plotline wasn’t very well-written.

The plot itself makes sense, but the way it bounced around seems to have just confused enough people that no one even remembers this was a thing.

That said, I think it was a good plot for the character... It was just not executed as well as it needed to have been to make a difference/really shine.

There are a lot of small things from S2 that were pretty nice, though.

Abigail’s fight to help Clara was meaningful, but I’m not sure how I feel about the addition of Clara from a writing standpoint. I feel like Abigail should have felt something was off about Peter’s trips from the start... The issue is that Hamilton is VERY far away and it’s VERY doubtful Peter would have ever gone there. Union City makes more sense if we’re talking about picking up shipments.

Tom and Julie were entertaining if nothing else.

I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened in Hope Valley in S2, but I’m sure there were Events.

Season 3

Honestly I don’t think S3 had anything horrible in it. It just wasn’t very inspiring at times? It was like they had all these really good ideas but didn’t want to fully commit to any of them.

Henry Gowen was a star.

Frank was excellent in this season.

The biggest issue I have with this plot is simply that they didn’t take it all the way. Either he’s a dangerous man to allow to stay in town or he’s not. Saying he is doesn’t make it so. A rock through a window? Okay, sure...that’s threatening I guess. But it didn’t feel like enough to turn the whole town.

And again, having him barely doing anything even though he’d definitely be worried for Abigail and Cody’s safety is just inane.

Still, overall the whole thing was pretty good/well-done. Especially that unexpected turn at the end where Henry helped turn the tide. (I still wish that had gone somewhere and wonder even now if they had an idea they wanted to use and didn’t get the chance to.)

Abigail adopting children was nice. I wish Becky hadn’t been a part of it at all though. Like the IDEA is nice, but I can’t imagine she’d believe in it all as fast/readily as she does? This plotline just seemed great for Cody and meaningless to Becky, IMO.

But hey, the thing with Cody is meaningful enough. My issue is just that he’s like, 8 or 9 and remembers his parents very clearly, so I don’t think he’d be that willing to replace them. I guess it could just be his personality, but it might make more sense for him to be like 5-6 years old instead (less attached with fuzzier memories by this point if they’ve been on the run awhile).

Despite my qualms I think this was a pretty good story for Abigail. Just wish they hadn’t dropped her role as a mom as quickly as it felt they did.

Hattie was a good character and I enjoyed her introduction story. It was sad, but it felt good/satisfying.

Bill buying Henry’s share in the café was a great little thing. Maybe too convenient and itching for a story of its own (instead of it just happening), but overall a good idea.

Jack’s mom coming to town was entertaining. She had some really good lines. Lard in coffee. I mean...this was gold.

Season 4

The peddler was a cute addition but I didn’t much care for the overt magical element.

If it felt a little more real/grounded/down to earth I think I might have been more intrigued. 

Frank getting his original Bible back was a GREAT story but when they tried tying it into his vaguely stalker-like behavior? It just ruined the entire thing.

For what it’s worth, Frank’s character goes downhill pretty sharply in this season.

There were a lot of cute kid storylines in this one. But they weren’t all...great...

Robert telling the lie about the bear? Nice.

The kid with the knee brace? Ugh.

The storyline itself wasn’t bad!

But after Becky miraculously recovered the previous season it just felt like a slap in the face. I live with chronic pain and it’s just one of those things where I’d like a little representation somewhere.

I still think Becky should have stayed wheelchairbound.

I can’t get over how insulting it was that she just MIND OVER MATTER FIXED HERSELF. The writer who put that in there should be slapped, and the writer who wrote the saME GODFORSAKEN STORY AGAIN with this child should also be slapped.

I really feel that if they were gonna let Becky recover like that, this kid should be living with a permanent disability and this episode could deal with kids helping him play/doing activities he could participate and enjoy.

Maybe it’s too on-the-nose but the hardest part about a chronic illness/disability of any kind is the part where you lose things you loved to do that you considered a part of your identity. That’s an awfully deep storyline for WCtH, but they should have gone for it here.

Phillip was in between.

Phillip and his father were great, but Elizabeth was just SO incredibly awful. This is where she and Abigail started always being right about everything and I felt her involvement was unbearable.

They should have just let Faith take over Elizabeth’s role in that plot and it would have been way better. They could have had the eyesight issue earlier and done something great with it.

Frank and Abigail’s relationship at the beginning of this season was pretty interesting. Even though the whole “danger” thing was a little goofy, it was nice to see them communicating and adjusting. 

It felt like a natural issue people would actually have. And it wasn’t smoothly worked out, which is fine.

Also, Rosemary’s interference was hilarious.

RIP to the following:

Frank’s character after his earlier scene, because he doesn’t get anything else that’s actually in character.

Good writing because Carson is now the town hero he’s gonna save Cody from appendicitis because other doctors are just completely stupid!

Also Carson is a surgeon so TAKE THAT, regular doctors!

Doug. You were a real bro, my guy.

I DID like Doug’s role in the story, though. His death made some sense, but it was ill-timed. (How convenient that we only even hear of him moments before his death lol.)

AJ Foster is a highlight of S4 for me. I love her, and for the most part I love her introduction.

She’s such a pain in the neck, but she also talks a lot of sense.

The writing isn’t great for her, or for Bill in these scenes, but at least there was An Attempt™.

I appreciate that they introduced the idea of her much earlier in the season and built up to her actual appearance, which I couldn’t have guessed would be relevant early on.

Considering how the officers at my company hate our IRS auditor, I find the fact that AJ has enemies beyond believable.

Railroad shenanigans were pretty entertaining in this season, too.

Season 5

The last episode at least tried to be kind to the characters, so I appreciate it.

Elizabeth’s conversation with her father before her wedding was a highlight of the entire season.

AJ’s return plot was abysmal.

I’d be terribly embarrassed to have been the one to write this, especially considering how completely whack it feels next to the other plots.

I’ve ranted about this so many times I should have run out of steam but BOY is it cringey. This is the height of Bill-is-a-grumpy-old-man as a Thing in this series and this is probably when it is its worst.

The rattlesnake plotline was contrived as heck, but the only thing to make it worse was how weird everyone acted.

Rhonda was a good character and the plotline, if it wasn’t so rushed, would have actually been really great. I still liked it overall, though.

Frank’s send-off was dumb, but at least he got one on-screen.

I still can’t believe they killed their main romantic male lead off-screen.

What the heck...

Abigail was really, really annoying in this season, and so was Elizabeth. Unbearable.

Also, I still hate the pregnancy oooops~~ ♥♥ plot at the end of the grieving episode. Really? COME ON. I know they wanted to give the fans hope but it was jarring.

Season 6

I still HATE the nativity == baby Jack’s birth parallels. 

Why did they feel the need to do that. Why couldn’t we have just gotten pregnant Elizabeth shenanigans?

They put Jack’s DEATH ON THE TOMBSTONE like how is she popping out a baby less than two months later when she didn’t even know she wa---?F?DJSAFLJDSAFHLDSAL?

Abigail?

DELETED.

Thank goodness.

Bill?

Assassinated. Or at least, his character was.

This is bad. :(

On the plus side he gets promoted to the position of JUDGE...and barely does anything worthwhile with it...yet.

GODFATHER BILL. The best thing in this season.

Fiona?

A goddess. I love her.

Lucas?

Slimy.

But handsome.

The 4th Property Brother. He even tries his hand at renovating.

Nathan?

Honest and good.

Pretty cute.

Works together with Bill once in one of Bill’s only good scenes.

The oil plotline is actually pretty good/fun. Jesse and Clara get more scenes finally. 

Elizabeth isn’t the focus of everything.

Lee and Rosemary got like, no mention in any of these posts but mostly because it felt like they were never really doing anything before, but I did feel like they were given a little more meaningful lines/places in this season.

--

How’s this for an attempt? :P I’m probably missing A LOT but I can’t recall everything too easily!