Your disability is real even if it's not causing you suffering 100% of the time. Your disability is real even if you don't bare your suffering constantly to the masses to gain acceptance. Your disability is real even if you wouldn't trade it for being abled. People on the outside cannot see you, and cannot see how the intricacies of your disabilities affect your daily life. They can't see all the details of what makes your disability real because, quite frankly, they don't want to. You needn't debase yourself at the altar of public opinion in order to treat your disability as real. You know your body and your mind best, and your experiences are real. You are allowed to understand and accommodate your bodies and minds for yourselves.
We don't need to be their suffering idol in order to be disabled.
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I've been thinking about Martin and Jon's relationship in season 2, and came across an aspect I hadn't previously considered.
When Micheal stabs Jon it's just them, meaning after Micheal slipped away he left Jon alone in his office. The cut was bad, obviously, bad enough to need stitches, but after a shock like that there's no way Jon took himself to A&E.
He lies that he cut himself with a bread knife, but this lie makes no sense if he was in his office. What I think happened, is upon realising the seriousness of his injury, Jon went to find the nearest first aid kit, most often found in kitchen areas of course.
When Martin comes into the kitchen he finds Jon bleeding all over himself, struggling to open a cheap first aid kit, very stressed, and obviously in a lot of pain. You'd be surprised, but even the most willing people are often incredibly opposed to the idea of hospitalisation for anything less than life threatening, and Jon is NOT the type of person to take a hospital trip lightly.
So, after extensive argument (only ended by Jon becoming too lightheaded to argue his case), they'd go down to A&E, and sit awkwardly together for the hours it takes to finally get seen. There's something so bonding about sitting with someone in their moment of need, even if you're not doing much else but being there.
When you're physically vulnerable like that you also tend to be more emotionally vulnerable; it's easy to blurt out something profound when you're more focused on handling pain and bleeding then you are on censoring yourself.
This experience, especially so soon after Prentiss's attack and all that ensued, opens up that raw connection you can only really ever have in crisis, it may be a trauma bond, as I'm certain they have one, but I think it's also more than that. It's seeing eachother at rock bottom and realising just how important they are to you, and just how awful it'd be to lose them.
It's so early on in their journey, but I think this relatively small event changed the course of their relationship. Martin knew Jon was having a hard time, he complained with Tim, it was clearly distressing, but he still kept an eye on Jon, looked after him. Even in the depths of his distrust this surely broke through Jon's armour, no matter how little he seemed to show it at the time.
The shared crisis of Jon's injury gave Martin an excuse to hang around Jon when he needed it the most and didn't even see it himself.
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For all of those without a father, or ones being abused, neglected, etc, I'm so fucking sorry. You don't deserve that. Take care of yourself today. Fuck what he wants today. Today is your day, I've decided. Eat something yummy, take a shower, take a walk, watch something funny or comforting. You deserve it for putting up with that shit. I love you and happy You Day.
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You know how some people are really goofy on anesthesia? Yeah well I’m not. Most foster kids aren’t actually. I had surgery the other day, and every time I’ve woken up from surgery it goes like the same. My chest feels tight, and I feel terrified. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels like I’m right back in that house with my mother, and she’s about to hurt me again. So I cry. Ugly cry, the kind where you’re gasping for breath and your face is screwed up tight. I can hear the nurses freaking out while someone tells them that I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD and that’s why I’m reacting that way. So then the nurses hold my hand, rub my hair, dry my tears off my face. They try to comfort me, but their efforts have no effect on the fear that I feel inside, the panic. It usually last for about ten minutes while I wake up and come to. It’s embarrassing, and that’s why I make my people wait until I’m fully awake before they’re allowed to see me. Nobody is allowed to see me like that. I don’t know why I hide it, when all I want is to know someone safe is next to me. I’m scared that if they see me like that, they’ll know how fucked up I am and leave. I wouldn’t blame them either because if I could leave myself too I would.
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♡ + food
OOH, thank you so much for the ask, @crimeclean! this is honestly a prompt that i was kind of hoping to get because i've been looking for an excuse to talk about this. so, allow me to tell you about one food that barton has had an aversion to over the years and for... honestly, a very unfortunate (to say the least), but also a good reason. and this is mushrooms. now i have talked about this a bit a while ago, but whenever barton was still with his bio father, wesley mathis; he went through a period of having to feel food insecurity and hoarding food. this was due to the fact that wesley had lost his job as a forester at one point, which caused them both to struggle a lot with having enough to eat. and one day, as sad as this may sound, barton had ran out of the food that he stockpiled for a day where wesley wasn't able to feed either of them. so the choice was either to go out to try to find something to eat or simply ruminate in his hunger / try to make it go away by sleeping. however, barton was just SO hungry this day that he was literally having pains and as a result, because they lived out in the woods at the time — a six or seven year old barton went out to see if he could find something to eat amongst the wilderness.
and barton had found morel mushrooms, a species that is known to grow in new jersey that isn't toxic when eaten cooked, BUT is when eaten raw. and he had eaten a good amount of them so the onset of symptoms he got from eating them arrived pretty quickly. they are known to cause gastrointestinal issues especially in large amounts and have even killed some people who didn't have the knowledge that you can't eat them uncooked. as a result, barton had to be hospitalized and after that, he didn't even want to look at mushrooms for years. even now, he doesn't really like eating them because of the fact that they caused him to have a quite traumatic experience as a kid, but if they're being cooked by someone as a part of a dish and barton KNOWS that this person doesn't have a toxic type of mushroom... he'll eat them. though about 9 times out of 10, if someone actually offers him the choice to eat something without them, he will gladly take that.
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