#transracial family

[theanonymousadoptee]

Okay, Let's Talk About It: Adoption TV PSAs? Commercials? Ads?

Has anyone noticed the increasing number of adoption and foster care commercials on TV (adoption commercials in particular)? As someone who is old enough to remember them as a rarity at, like, 2 am on a news channel if you kept the TV on for background noise, it's harder to ignore when the appearance of one occurs at the start of every local news commercial break.

I'll be honest, as a child seeing them, I always kind of found them unsettling. I wasn't sure why, but I'd watch them and laugh at how much of a caricature it was of my life. What white people think adoption is, The kids, ugh, the kids on these commercials too that feel obligated to lie to please the people who were so gracious enough to open their home to you like the Little Orphan Annie. *insert eye-roll here*

I saw one last night, not too long after the Nuggets game, and when I was uploading an article to Medium, I added "#adoption," and there were 137 people who followed that tag. I also added "#adoptee." wanna know how many people follow that tag? Seven. That tells me 130 people are looking to adopt a child or are already adoptive parents. Seven adoptees, the people who are the ones being given to another family, are being vastly underrepresented. According to the latest data from the U.S. Department of State, there were approximately 4,059 international adoptions by U.S. citizens in 2019. It's not clear how many adoptees are currently living in the United States overall. Still, according to Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, an estimated 1.5 million adopted children live in the United States; how is it that on a platform that boasts 60 million monthly active readers, only 7 follow the hashtag "adoption?"

It clicked for me why I found the commercials so unsettling. The overly optimistic commercials fail to convey the difficulty of adopting a child, especially one that is in the foster care system and is older or is of a different race than the adoptive parents. What's funny is even as I write this, AI has suggested my following sentence be:Adoption agencies often provide resources to help families overcome these barriers," when in fact, they kind of don't. They only ever end up benefiting the parents. Adoption records are beginning to open up to those who even have such records. However, "non-identifying" information is still the "go-to" for most states, including the state I was born in (Missouri) and the state I live in (Ohio).

The problem is that these agencies can offer all the help they want; it won't matter. It won't matter until we change the stigma around adoption. Adoptees need a safe place to speak about the pain of their adoption loss and grief without feeling guilty or shameful for feeling the way they do. We won't open up about our experiences because we don't want to make our adoptive parents feel bad when we ask questions. We don't want them to feel like they're being replaced. Frequently, even wanting to know where we come from makes us feel guilty because we shouldn't want to know. After all, they aren't the ones who raised us. The entire existence of an adoptee is a contradiction. Contradictions between feelings, belonging, and identity are everyday struggles.

These commercials are unsettling because they do not accurately portray the pain that all parties feel during the adoption process. Ann Fessler addresses this directly in her book, "The Girls Who Went Away," when she says, quote: "Adoption is, by its very nature, a painful process, one that brings into sharp relief the loss felt by all parties involved: the adoptive parents who long for a child; the birth mother who may never forget the child she gave away; and the adoptee who, even in the most secure and loving home, feels the sting of being separated from their biological roots." Fessler makes a compelling point here, prompting us to think about the adoptive parent's loss in all of this, seeing as they will never look into their child's face and see themselves reflected in them. Some adoptive mothers will never know what it feels like to carry a baby in their stomachs, to feel the baby kick and move and squirm, or experience food cravings or hormones, they'll never know the pain of birth, nor will they have any advice to offer when their adopted children consider becoming parents and having children of their own.

This kind of loss is devastating for all parties. The overly optimistic and cheerful tone represented in pro-adoption commercials frustrates me because it just doesn't accurately reflect the reality of being an adoptee. If it did, outsiders wouldn't feel comfortable saying "be grateful" when a disagreement occurs between parent and child. People wouldn't say to you as an adoptee, "Oh, I'm so sorry," when you tell them you're adopted, and "Oh, how wonderful of you" when your adoptive mom tells them.

Look, I'm not claiming that this is some easy thing to navigate, but an honest conversation needs to be had here because judging by the quantity of these commercials, the fact that they're government funded, and aired on prime-time television, I'd wager all of the GOP's abortion bans are backfiring, because if this doesn't scream "propaganda," I'm not sure what does.

I don't know what the path forward is. Banning abortion isn't the solution. If anything, that would exacerbate the issue, and using adoption as an alternative to abortion isn't the move; I don't know that I believe adoption is a viable solution anymore because I'm not sure there is a way to mitigate the potential damage that can be caused. Whatever route is taken, we need to put the needs of children first. We can all agree a lot of time and energy goes into helping both parents (adoptive and biological) cope with their grief and loss. At the same time, the child's mental health and development essentially go ignored. This needs to change before we start telling prospective parents how great it is to be an adoptive parent and what it means to be a parent to a child suffering from adoption loss and grief. Adoptive parenting is a meaningful journey filled with unique challenges and rewards. It requires patience, empathy, and understanding to nurture a healthy attachment. Making sure that adoptees feel loved and supported can lead to a positive and fulfilling life for all parties involved.

[red-envelopes]

reunion/meeting/re-meeting/getting to know your birth family is not smooth at all and I wish that non adoptees knew this and could hold more understanding and empathy for us who are trying our best to navigate this situation when all the barriers are stacked against you

it's not smooth like you see in the media, in your films and your games, and I wish that people could take their time to understand how different and difficult and easy and smooth and heartbreaking and simple and complicated it can be for so many of us.

please don't take your information for granted

[holmsister]

The way some people are really. Saw people talking about how Kiki and Kaka being brown is 'tokenism' months ago still haven't recovered...

Thistle: POC, white family, transracial "adoption" (long-lived child > short-lived family)

Kabru: POC, white family, transracial adoption (short-lived child > long-lived mother)

Kiki and Kaka: POC, white family, transracial adoption (short-lived children > long-lived parents)

Like. Is this too subtle for you still do you need like. A Venn diagram. Which would be a circle

[oliveptee]

kaeya says .... adoptee rights!

[sbrown82]

Might be controversial, but this why I don’t support transracial adoption, at least, when it comes to white adopting parents because many of them don’t seem to think. They just pick out a non-white kid and don’t do the work to make sure that child grows up supported racially and knowing their culture. Some do, but it seems like a lot don’t. Like why adopt a child you know nothing about or how to even do the basic things for? And when it comes to a little black girl and her hair, we had to have a whole crown act, don’t have that child going to school looking crazy and have her hating herself and being picked on because you didn’t think about her hair BEFORE adopting her. Makes me think what other things he failed to learn about regarding black culture and racism, which he will need to know when raising her to make sure she’s prepared. We all know we’ve had those “black talks” with our parents. She won’t get that. I hope he isn’t one of those “I see no race” people because little girl is going to be in for a very rude awakening at some point in her life when she realizes “I’m just me at home, but I’m black out in the world.” I think it’s absolutely neglectful for a white parent to not make an adopted child aware of what she will walk into concerning the world. Plus, every time I hear about these types of adoptions, I can’t help thinking about that lesbian couple who adopted all those black kids, took them around for photographs to absolve white guilt, then ended up killing them. The one child hasn’t been found to this day. Idk it always sus to me.

I don't disagree with transracial adoption at all, because first of all EVERY child deserves love and to be cared for. But it is true, if you adopt a child of another race, it's your responsibility to engage them in their culture so they can feel comfortable, appreciated and walk through life with a bit more ease. I think Angelina Jolie does a great job at that. She's always seemed very invested in her children's lives, their unique cultures, and respects their differences. She even takes lessons in their native languages and lets them visit each of their countries so they know and remember who they are and where they came from and I think that is beautiful.

Here's her in Cambodia (where her eldest son Maddox is originally from) teaching journalists about the local food culture and how the people there have survived off of the diet:

[wannabebeatnik]

I was adopted from South Korea to Rochester, New York when I was four months old. I grew up believing that I was half-Japanese and a product of rape. It wasn't till I was 18 and received my adoption papers that I discovered my adopted mother's stories were incorrect.

I began my search in the summer of 2022 when I thought I wanted to start a family. I only hoped to find medical records. To my surprise, I found my mother, four older siblings, and several nieces and nephews.

[the5parkers-blog]

The Unwanted Facebook Connections Continue...

If you’ve been wondering what happened after the bio facebook request, your wait is over…. 😉 So, after I moved on past the crying and freaking out (well, the crying, anyway), we decided to be proactive. The night that the biological mother made her request, I blocked her from my facebook account and Brian’s. Mine was already private, but Brian’s wasn’t. But, I blocked her from both, anyway. It…

[vurren]

i wish there was hebrew school for adults :( i'd do anything to have gotten a jewish education and live a jewish childhood, even if i'd decided later on that i didn't believe in god

[theanonymousadoptee]

Why I'm NOT pro-life as an adoptee:

Because I'm a miserable drug addict who doesn't leave the house, contemplates suicide daily, and I didn't have a fucked up childhood, and if I didn't have a fucked up childhood......

WHY AM I A MISERABLE DRUG ADDICT WHO DOESN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE AND CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE DAILY?!?!

[red-envelopes]

this birth family reunion is everything i've ever wanted and yet i still feel so unfulfilled

my chest is still sore and aching but for different reasons, it's not going to go away

it still doesn't feel like it has happened - like i dreamt the whole thing up, but i didn't. maybe it's compartmentalising, maybe i need to talk about it more, or maybe being entirely in control of a situation for the first time is disorientating.

it feels like a lot.

a lot of people you tell expect you to be delighted and that everything is fine and that all of your issues go away once you've had your family reunion, you got what you wanted, you should be happy and fine now. it's not exactly the same as before, but it's similar, it's different, it's not the same, how can anything be the same again?

nothing is ever going to be the same again - i've just achieved one of my major lifetime goals, one of my biggest wishes, and it feels like everything and nothing has changed - still disorientating.

i'm riding the wave but the wave keeps getting bigger and smaller and I can't follow it. i hope it compartmentalises itself soon.

[pubby-paws]

Do people know what transracial actually means. Because I feel like if they did, they'd use it as a gotcha less often.

[oliveptee]

tap tap.. adoption isnt found family! stop calling it that, its dehumanizing for adoptees! respect adoptees and treat them like human beings! not like a fictional character existing for your angst/fluff fanfictions (that get everything about adoption and how adoptees feel.. never researching anything about adoption too)

respect adoptees and stop treating them like their subhuman! 🫶

btw a good majority of adoption includes human trafficking! that isnt found family!

listen to adoptees and stay quiet!

[dooodle-ducky]

Reasons why dhmis 3: family, caused me severe Emotional Damage/pos, for me, a transracial adoptee

[sbrown82]

There’s literally so many resources out there to help him, wtf he askin’ people on social media for? Like, did he not think about this when he adopted her? Also, he ain’t got no Black friends? Sir, if you're that concerned, getcho ass up and find a Black hairstylist/salon, watch YouTube videos, visit a library, join a transracial family Facebook support group, something.

DO 👏🏿THE 👏🏿 WORK! 👏🏿🙄🤦🏾‍♀️