#transition story

[americascomic]

I wrote this a year before I realized I was trans

[placentaeater999]

My poor fetuses!!! I have left you unattended for far too long!! I am here to nourish you with aome art!!!! So here are two beautifully trans arts :3

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Art 1: This Print (24"x32" Wood Carving on Fabric)

This was my final for my printmaking class this semester about the beauty that is transitioning (the body is like this because i am repping MY body that i dont see repped much)

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Art 2: Trans Coyote Sculpture

I don't remember if i posted this or not but eithed way I'm proud of it. I made it in ceramics last semester and finally picked it ip around october.

[fleshengine]

Woah you look really good on your tummy Tuesday post, how long have you been on HRT and when did you start if it's okay to ask? :0

:P that's a lil personal but I'll talk about it, my story's kind of unique so I think people should hear it. Also this was originally just one giant block of brain-dump text but I decided to split it up a lil, you're welcome.

I've been really trans since I was a kid. Like my sister used to dress me up in her clothes and princess outfits and stuff and parade me around while calling me a feminine version of my name. Which sounds like bullying but like I loved it, so... I also did the classic "play a game and make your player character a girl" thing that a lot of transfems do. I played Halo Reach with my dad (love him btw) and would make my custom Noble Six a woman. There was a bunch of other little things like that, but you get the gist. I also used to pretend to be a girl and got groomed on omegle but that's a different story.

So I came out when I was like 13 or something and my parents were that kind of supportive where they use your pronouns but want you to wait a year before getting on hormones. So I think I was like 14-15ish when I finally got on E (because when we started it then took a while to get on it horray for fucking bone scans). In the time between I came out and finally got a histreline implant and E my voice dropped a ton and my shoulders filled out and I grew a fucken adam's apple. I was on sublingual pills for a couple months but they sort of gave me massive mood swings and I turned into a giant bitch so my parents and I decided I should switch to patches.

Pills gave me a decent amount of breast growth and it was pretty awesome but patches slowed that down. (I didn't really notice at the time but nerve remapping also happened and now my dick doesn't work right lol.) It's probably something with my skin or whatever, but patches just did not work for me and while I was on them I saw very very little development. It didn't help that they were an absolute pain in the ass, would get sticky and leave gunk on me and also come off in the shower sometimes. I've heard they work for some people but they were not the right fit for me. It doesn't help that during that time I started to struggle a lot with internalized transmisogyny and also a sort of... trauma based aversion to femininity?

So I made the kind of stupid decision to just... quit E and detransition to be nonbinary. No hate to people who detransition, or enbies, it was just me being a dumb kid again. Thing was I still had a histreline implant in me keeping me from producing T, and I actually got it replaced during this time, so I just had no growth hormone in me. I was Very Androgynous and it was pretty cool to ask people what they thought my agab was. When I met my current roomy and his partner apparently they had an argument where they disagreed on my agab. Which tickled me pink when I learned about it months later. Anyway it really should've been a hint to me that it always pleased me immensely when people thought I was born a girl. Like... I'm genuinely impressed at how unperceptive younger me was about that. You poor little idiot, you like it when people pick up on your feminine traits, go back on E.

It wasn't until the last bit of my second year of college that I started using they/she, I had finally gotten a group of Very Queer friends who supported me and I guess I felt that experimentation would be okay. I also ummm... started being active here on tumblr? Surrounding myself with weird transfems helped me feel more normal about being a weird transfem. So like... thanks girlies :). From there it was a pretty quick pipeline from they/she to she/they to she/her to she/they/it. Honestly the it thing didn't really start as a trans thing, I had a dnd character (that I later realized was a Identity Crisis Character) that went by it/its exclusively and my dm started using it with me outside of dnd and my brain liked it.

Anyway, after some quick phone calls and blood tests and bullshit I got back on E in December of 2023 and I've been on since then. I'm doing injections now and even though they're a little scary I really like them. Oh I also got my histreline implant taken out and I'm on spironolactone now which is fun. Maybe it's because I'm an adult but I find the mood swings lessened as well as the headaches. I've also noticed a decent amount of growth since I started as well as more nerve remapping and I finally have those puffy nips everyone talks about all the time. Currently I think most of the growth is going to making my tits wider as opposed to adding depth, which is fine with me. I really want to get on progesterone so they can grow nice and big, but my old doc said it was a bad idea and we should wait for the early structuring to finish because starting prog too early can cause nip deformities. My new doc has no comment because I haven't talked to her yet lmao.

Anyway that's where I am rn. Got my E raised again a couple weeks ago >:) Thanks for asking, sorry if this is rambly. My journey of self discovery had an entire death and rebirth like I'm a hero or some shit.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 422

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different. We have some similar experiences, but also a lot of very different ones. I was very positively surprised by how fast everything happened, it could've been the opposite. I could've gotten my first dark moustache hair after a year. The important thing is: changes happen. They happen slowly but steady. And I'm so excited to see where the journey is going to lead.

[kores-pomegranate]

So, I’m feeling Very Trans™️ tonight, and I realized I have never really written out my gender journey, or tried to put it all together chronologically. I think it would be nice to do that, so here we go.

I was in high school in the early 2000s in very rural Georgia. There weren’t any openly gay kids, let alone any openly trans kids. I can’t recall ever hearing the word nonbinary until after college.

Despite having no frame of reference or language for anything to do with gender, this is how I looked in high school.

I can remember getting tagged in that photo on MySpace and feeling what I can now identify as gender euphoria, but I didn’t have language for that. I just felt like I looked so *good,* but I couldn’t explain why I thought that. Now I’m like, hey bro you look pretty androgynous there, so maybe that was it.

I can remember begging my mom, from about 7th grade on, to let me cut my hair short. I cut out a photo of a very short pixie cut from a magazine that I kept as my inspo photo for like…five years? I had it stashed away in my box of keepsakes (I actually still have it) and I looked at it all the time. I just wanted to look like that model so bad and my mom was so firm on not letting me cut my hair that short. She was worried I would look like a boy, and I couldn’t understand that fear. My brain kept asking itself “who cares if I look like a boy? It doesn’t matter.”

She finally let me cut it the summer before my senior year of high school, and that is the first time I can remember feeling gender euphoria.

I loved how I looked and how it made me feel. My daily outfit of choice was usually “boy pants” and something very…gender neutral on top? I rarely wore dresses or anything hyper femme, but I never went hard in the other direction. It was all vibes, baybee.

I started growing my hair out when I started college. I went to an extremely small, extremely conservative Pentecostal college still located in rural Georgia, and there was a lot of unspoken expectation to be a “cool church girl.” For those unfamiliar, “cool church girls” were “edgy” because they had nose piercings and wore makeup and pants. They had “hippy vibes” while being hyper-religious. For the first time, I felt like I stuck out in a very bad way. Somehow, the gender expectations of my college were way worse than those from high school. So, I went in hard on that vibe, because I lost all sense of self.

These photos suck because it was the early 2000s and THAT’S JUST HOW IT WAS. In that particular picture I was also very much in the clutches of an eating disorder, so obviously there was a lot of self and body hatred happening in that person.

I got married the summer before my senior year of college. I was t w e n t y years old (it’s 9 and a half years later and I’m getting a divorce…soooo 😬). I was still so deeply immersed in this hyper feminine imagine of what a good Christian girl looked like. I was miserable for a lot of reasons, not just related to gender, but not unrelated either.

(That’s a candid of me like an hour before I was supposed to get married. Staring into the middle distance and dissociating a little 😅)

So, I got married, and then I thought, “okay, I did the thing, now I can go back to being this more comfortable and less feminine version of myself, because I successfully got the Ring Before Spring. No need to pretend any longer. So I chopped my hair off and instead of paying attention in class I fucker around with Snapchat filters and edited beards onto my face.

I remember my husband at the time messaging me after I posted that selfie on Facebook asking me to take it down because it “made him feel uneasy and uncomfortable” to see me looking like that, even if it was supposed to be “funny.”

That same year, for my big senior paper for my capstone class, I chose to write about why gender affirming medical care was the most compassionate and moral thing a Christian physician could ever offer to a patient. I was starting to wake up to issues of gender and sexuality insofar as how they related to larger society. As I learned about trans folks, I felt a deep yet confusing sense of empathy for how miserable it must feel to be in a body that doesn’t feel right, but to essentially have no medical options (especially at the time), to feel more affirmed in their gender.

I wrote that it is the responsibility of every physician to heal, and traced it back to the disciple Luke, who was often referred to in my school as “the first doctor.” I pulled out scripture references about the unrestricted love of god along with how preposterous it would be to deny care to someone who had a “more acceptable condition.” I think at the time I used cleft palate as an example. I wrote that it would be monstrous to deny reconstructive facial surgery to someone with cleft palate (if it was something they wanted), but if a trans woman wants facial reconstructive surgery in order to look more feminine, suddenly everyone has a huge problem.

At the time I still firmly identified as a cis woman, but it was while writing that paper that I remember having my first conscious thought about my gender. I thought to myself, “this…really all makes sense to me. Uh oh.” Then I shoved those thoughts and feelings into a box that I didn’t touch for almost a decade after that.

The next three pictures represent the “my egg is about to crack but it hasn’t yet” period of my journey. I went back to being hyper femme for a long time, and ended up with really long hair. I got pretty obsessed with makeup and makeup culture, and usually didn’t leave to do anything significant without a full beat. Eventually that waned, and I started to get this restless feeling that I sometimes got. I felt that I needed a change, because I wanted to look…more like myself? I just knew I wasn’t happy with the current state of things and something had to change. So I dyed my hair…a lot.

That felt good for a long time. But the restlessness returned in full force.

By that time, I had fully deconstructed Christianity and had been out of church and Christian culture for years. I had accepted my queerness and come out to most people, and was also practicing polyamory. I realized that so much about me had changed in a way that finally felt authentic, and yet. Something still felt like it wasn’t right yet.

I had gained a lot of language for gender expansiveness by then, and had a lot of experiences with being around trans folks, really for the first time in my life. Existing closely with people who threw all concept of gender out the window and reformed it into something that felt good to them made something click in me. Finally, f i n a l l y, it made sense to me. I wasn’t a girl, and I never had been. I wasn’t a boy either, and I didn’t want to be one, at least not in the stereotypical binary type of way.

I slowly started talking about maybe being non-binary to the people I was closest to, and while the first reaction was a solid dose of surprise, when they actually processed it 100% of the people I talked to said something to the effect of “oh that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

So here I am now, Very Nonbinary and very very very rarely femme. A lot of times I lean toward a trans-masc-ish identity or way of presenting, but it changes so much that a more specific label feels pointless.

I’m happy, finally. I don’t know where my gender journey will take me, but what I do know is that I fully have the freedom to go where I want and continue finding who I am, and that feels goddamn good.

Bonus for those who got to the end: me in the seventh grade dressed as Henry David Thoreau for, and I cannot emphasize this enough, *literally no reason.* there was not a school project or presentation, there was no assignment. I just wanted to do it, so I did it. The fact that I didn’t question my gender earlier frankly just confirms that I have always been the biggest thembo of them all.

[a-not-so-clean-blog]

Ya boy may be getting some T soon!

I have my first consultation next week! I'm so excited that I might be able to get on hrt!

[sparklemaia]

yes I'm now on the other side of top surgery and I'm allowed to lift things again 💪 You might have already seen this one on my substack -- did u know you can subscribe to my substack for early access to comics like this?! Sent directly to your email inbox??? FOR FREE????? (there is also an optional paid tier for exclusive bonus content for five bucks a month but like 80% of my posts will be free and publicly available) ty ily♥

[charmstwit]

Ready, Steady, Eddie

link here

Summary:

Eddie Bones was not always known as Eddie. He was, however, always well loved. This is the story of how Eddie discovers himself and finds love along the way.

Snippet:

“Remember when I socked the Millers boy for saying I had to be Helga Hufflepuff when we played Founders?” Eddie asks.

Pepper nods. “I do, I had to heal that little boy’s nose.”

“And I wanted to be Hilbert, her little brother,” Eddie says.

“Who doesn’t exist, and when little Adam Miller told you so–” Pepper mimes a punch. “I remember.”

“I just didn’t want to be a girl,” Eddie says.

[aurimeanswind]

Letter #2: Hey Old Friend

This is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, consider it a thought experiment or hell, maybe even personal therapy. Writing the preface here, before diving in, this could end up being too personal, too dark or too much, I don’t know. I know that there is that risk, meaning maybe this never goes public anywhere, but it’s something I’ve wanted to try and do, so I’m going to do it, and we’ll see what I have to say.

—

Dear Alex,

Hey sweetheart. I know, it feels like it’s been a while since we last talked, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you know I do think about you all the time. You’re so deep in my thoughts sometimes it’s a detriment to how I live, to what I do. But there are little sparkles of you there, every now and again, and sometimes they hurt a lot, but sometimes they make me really happy too.

I know, you’re probably too old for the “it gets better” speech. I get it. I think me sitting here and rambling on about how we’re doing so much better seems kind of shitty, to be honest. I wanted to add some focus, to tell you about things you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes it’s a little thing, and it’s just fucking awesome– you know like when you walk into the bathroom and there is the big mirror on the wall, and you have to stop for a second and think… that’s me? 

Remember that first dream we had together, where you walked into the bathroom and you looked like me, and you were flabbergasted? It wasn’t the change and how silly the rest of the dream was, it was how good it felt. How right it felt. It’s like that in real life sometimes–not all the time, but enough of the time, and it’s only getting to be more and more. I know in that dream you went on to try and explain to your friends that you were a girl now, and they didn’t understand. I remember how you went to work and they told you you didn’t work there, that you weren’t the right person, but that was wrong. I just wanted you to know they were wrong. I know that haunted you a lot, how it felt so good but so hard at the same time, and the difficulty gets easier. You level up, you know how this works by now. 

The double-take in the bathroom still happens all these months later you know, and it really doesn’t get old. I’m sure someday it will, I know it’ll just fall into the background and the bad things, the stagnancy might come back, but I know now you just can’t think like that. It’s about those walking-in-and-seeing-the-mirror moments, those are the little bits of glue that stick the whole world together, that get you through this week to tomorrow, to the next breath, and so on.

Also, you’re gonna feel confident. Maybe not “OnlyFans” confident but hey, I’ll let you know, you’re gonna feel a lot closer to that than you think right now, which is kind of awesome. You’re gonna look great. You’re gonna like how you look, what you wear. You’re going to feel stylish and even beautiful sometimes. I know you never got to feel that before… I’m sorry, we should have talked sooner. Should have opened the door sooner, and sometimes I think about how it’s our fault, but also you only get one journey through life, and this one isn’t all bad. 

It gets hard. The feelings are hard. It’s going to open up those old wounds. Remember all those times with family where you were hurting so much, but you just bottled it up? They’re gonna come back. They hurt a lot more now. You’re going to realize that those things messed you up a lot more than you like to let on. All those times you felt like you were heartless because you felt nothing, or close to nothing, when something bad happened? All those times where it was so hard to cry? That’ll stop, but the floodgates are going to be open. That first time it’ll feel like you’re grieving everything for the first time. That the world is on fire and you’re burning too. It’s going to hurt a lot hun, and I’m sorry. Trial by fire is the whole experience, it’s part of who you are, and you’ll learn to embrace it even if it feels impossible sometimes.

Those times where you’re so torn up, like it’s razor blades inside and nothing else, and you just want to find a way to end it– that will change. It’s the good news part of it. It’s not like it’ll never happen again, but you’re going to find that you actually really want to live. Part of it is for the people who don’t, who pass on and who leave you, leave everyone, but the bigger part is because you’re going to start liking life again. I know it sounds almost impossible to believe, if you had told us that it would get this good even just three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you either– but it does. It gets good honey, I can’t wait for you to see what it feels like.

Then there are all the things you think are going to change, but don’t, and the things you don’t think are going to change, that do. Remember hoping that you might find rhythm, hell maybe you’re secretly musically talented but the testosterone was what was killing it? Nope. Sorry, the butter-fingers shit doesn’t stop either. That actually gets worse. Keep a packet of bandaids on you all the time, you’ll be going through them constantly. 

It’s really easy to be alone now, and that’s good, and I know you’re having fun with it, and I’m glad. But listen, and I mean this in the nicest way hun, you’re a fucking hermit. Just text someone, anyone sometime! It’s alright, this gets better, that part at least. But it’s gonna be really hard to be alone. I know you liked being single, but it’s because you hate your body, you think no one is going to love it, and hey, they kind of aren’t, not in the time that you’re like you are now. But the loneliness is going to come back. I couldn’t tell you if it’s because of the grief, or the way attention feels now, but being alone is going to fucking suck. You’ll go from intro-to-extro faster than you can even imagine. It’s gonna be pretty sudden too, it’ll be one month, everything like that is normal, and the next you’ll be crying yourself to sleep every night because of how lonely it feels. You’ve got good friends, you still do, some new ones too, that are amazing women that fill your life with light, so don’t be afraid–you’ll manage. 

It’s definitely weird, because you’ll like the sunlight. You’ll like being outside, and that’s a strange feeling for the little girl who was pale as the moon and pretended to hiss when the curtains opened–but now it’s like it’s charging you up. You’ll love lipstick, and make up, and the breeze on your shaved legs. You’ll like the smell of things, the warmth of things. Touch is going to drive you crazy, and when people reach out to your hand it’ll make your head spin. All those little things really add up, I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but they do.

There are good and bad things. Old pains that cut like daggers for the first time in 20 years, and new loves that take your attention away from video games, or Marvel movies, or things you like a lot right now. But it’s exciting to try new things! You know how you always wanted to be a book girlie? Well I’ve got good news! You decided to try it and you really, really love it. Oh, and the sexy books are still your favorite, more than ever.

I’ve rambled on for long enough (yeah, that doesn’t stop, it just gets worse) but I wanted to leave you with one last thing:

I love you. I really do. I know sometimes, we’d look at ourselves, and we didn’t. We hated it. We hated looking into those eyes that seemed so dark, thinking about all the people we hurt, the women we didn’t respect, the mistakes we made… But it’s different now. You’re taking the steps to be authentic, to be you, and I love you. I really, truly do. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and I mean it when I say that. I know it’s dumb, but it gets better. Keep going, and you’ll see what kind of adventures are ahead of you.

Spoilers: it’s pretty fucking great.

Your love, your friend, your confidant,

Auri

[meltedmush]

Art dump (1/2) for today!

[demaparbat-hp]

Izumi of Jang Hui died young. She was sixteen and unwed. A kind child, protective and lonely—thus unfit for this world.

Izumi of Jang Hui was murdered. The Painted Lady was born out of hatred and grief. Her skin is painted red with the patterns of her scars. Her home is the river where the Dark Water Spirit dwells—he who found her, drowned and beautiful.

Build shrines by the river and pray for her good will. Harm her land or people and pray for mercy.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 146

My dearest readers, this one will not be for the ones, who don't like thinking about naked people. (yes, I'm talking to you, the one person I know in real life who sees my posts) 👀

Two weeks after I started t I felt the second brain growing between my legs. The one that makes you think about that one hot cosplayer you saw last weekend uncontrollably. And I knew I had to get some toys to keep it busy.

I looked into toys specifically for people with bottom growth and read some top lists of other ftm people. Air suction interested me even before, but it seems like it's also perfect for that little t bean. Important was the size of the nozzle, which is made with mostly cis women in mind. This article didn't just offer measurements but pictures with objects for size reference!

I followed the advice of this author and finally spent some money. The package arrived yesterday. I heard so much about other peoples' experiences but I was still completely overwhelmed. This thing just sucked/blew my brains out.

It took me some tries to get it to do its thing right, but when it did, there was no doubt that this was it's purpose. I don't have that much growth yet, but that doesn't really matter. As long as it fits, it will work. My dear ftm friends, don't underestimate trying out new stuff on your new body. Just enjoy yourself.

Sadly my body seemed to think, that I want to check if all my funny female organs still work and decided to demonstrate it's abilities by bleeding... Something I really didn't miss. Luckily my brain was still gone when I noticed, so it didn't annoy me as much as it would have. Still, just don't? Imagine I need that blood for something else!

[tawnysoup]

Transitional phase

[octolingrendezvous]

there are no strings on me

[sparklemaia]

this is me, wbu?

[navycat305]

Something something Max Jagerman prevented Pete from shooting his shot with Steph when he was alive by beating him up and then prevented Steph from shooting her shot with Pete as a ghost by stopping the fucking bullet she was trying to shoot him with