#transition story

[americascomic]

I wrote this a year before I realized I was trans

[placentaeater999]

My poor fetuses!!! I have left you unattended for far too long!! I am here to nourish you with aome art!!!! So here are two beautifully trans arts :3

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Art 1: This Print (24"x32" Wood Carving on Fabric)

This was my final for my printmaking class this semester about the beauty that is transitioning (the body is like this because i am repping MY body that i dont see repped much)

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Art 2: Trans Coyote Sculpture

I don't remember if i posted this or not but eithed way I'm proud of it. I made it in ceramics last semester and finally picked it ip around october.

[fleshengine]

Woah you look really good on your tummy Tuesday post, how long have you been on HRT and when did you start if it's okay to ask? :0

:P that's a lil personal but I'll talk about it, my story's kind of unique so I think people should hear it. Also this was originally just one giant block of brain-dump text but I decided to split it up a lil, you're welcome.

I've been really trans since I was a kid. Like my sister used to dress me up in her clothes and princess outfits and stuff and parade me around while calling me a feminine version of my name. Which sounds like bullying but like I loved it, so... I also did the classic "play a game and make your player character a girl" thing that a lot of transfems do. I played Halo Reach with my dad (love him btw) and would make my custom Noble Six a woman. There was a bunch of other little things like that, but you get the gist. I also used to pretend to be a girl and got groomed on omegle but that's a different story.

So I came out when I was like 13 or something and my parents were that kind of supportive where they use your pronouns but want you to wait a year before getting on hormones. So I think I was like 14-15ish when I finally got on E (because when we started it then took a while to get on it horray for fucking bone scans). In the time between I came out and finally got a histreline implant and E my voice dropped a ton and my shoulders filled out and I grew a fucken adam's apple. I was on sublingual pills for a couple months but they sort of gave me massive mood swings and I turned into a giant bitch so my parents and I decided I should switch to patches.

Pills gave me a decent amount of breast growth and it was pretty awesome but patches slowed that down. (I didn't really notice at the time but nerve remapping also happened and now my dick doesn't work right lol.) It's probably something with my skin or whatever, but patches just did not work for me and while I was on them I saw very very little development. It didn't help that they were an absolute pain in the ass, would get sticky and leave gunk on me and also come off in the shower sometimes. I've heard they work for some people but they were not the right fit for me. It doesn't help that during that time I started to struggle a lot with internalized transmisogyny and also a sort of... trauma based aversion to femininity?

So I made the kind of stupid decision to just... quit E and detransition to be nonbinary. No hate to people who detransition, or enbies, it was just me being a dumb kid again. Thing was I still had a histreline implant in me keeping me from producing T, and I actually got it replaced during this time, so I just had no growth hormone in me. I was Very Androgynous and it was pretty cool to ask people what they thought my agab was. When I met my current roomy and his partner apparently they had an argument where they disagreed on my agab. Which tickled me pink when I learned about it months later. Anyway it really should've been a hint to me that it always pleased me immensely when people thought I was born a girl. Like... I'm genuinely impressed at how unperceptive younger me was about that. You poor little idiot, you like it when people pick up on your feminine traits, go back on E.

It wasn't until the last bit of my second year of college that I started using they/she, I had finally gotten a group of Very Queer friends who supported me and I guess I felt that experimentation would be okay. I also ummm... started being active here on tumblr? Surrounding myself with weird transfems helped me feel more normal about being a weird transfem. So like... thanks girlies :). From there it was a pretty quick pipeline from they/she to she/they to she/her to she/they/it. Honestly the it thing didn't really start as a trans thing, I had a dnd character (that I later realized was a Identity Crisis Character) that went by it/its exclusively and my dm started using it with me outside of dnd and my brain liked it.

Anyway, after some quick phone calls and blood tests and bullshit I got back on E in December of 2023 and I've been on since then. I'm doing injections now and even though they're a little scary I really like them. Oh I also got my histreline implant taken out and I'm on spironolactone now which is fun. Maybe it's because I'm an adult but I find the mood swings lessened as well as the headaches. I've also noticed a decent amount of growth since I started as well as more nerve remapping and I finally have those puffy nips everyone talks about all the time. Currently I think most of the growth is going to making my tits wider as opposed to adding depth, which is fine with me. I really want to get on progesterone so they can grow nice and big, but my old doc said it was a bad idea and we should wait for the early structuring to finish because starting prog too early can cause nip deformities. My new doc has no comment because I haven't talked to her yet lmao.

Anyway that's where I am rn. Got my E raised again a couple weeks ago >:) Thanks for asking, sorry if this is rambly. My journey of self discovery had an entire death and rebirth like I'm a hero or some shit.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 422

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different. We have some similar experiences, but also a lot of very different ones. I was very positively surprised by how fast everything happened, it could've been the opposite. I could've gotten my first dark moustache hair after a year. The important thing is: changes happen. They happen slowly but steady. And I'm so excited to see where the journey is going to lead.

[12-gay-slugcats]

Not posting pics bc privacy but also I still look like a man. No, I’m here to say that your mind is better on hormones. I used to be the quiet, depressed boy in the corner. I had two or three friends that I rarely spoke to IRL, and my personality consisted of whatever I thought other people would want.

now, I’m me. I laugh, I smile, I cry, I tell jokes. I wear what I want, I smile at people I know in the hallway. I’ve made more new friends than I could ever dream of.

It’s not too late. It’s never too late. It doesn’t matter if you end up a beautiful goddess or an ugly hag (yeah right) or just vaguely androgynous like me. You will be happier.

Hi girls, let’s do something! Reblog to this post with a picture of yourself, or a transition timeline if you feel comfortable about it, and things that make you happy and comfortable about yourself! To spread a bit of positivity, and show the girls that are scared that there’s joy on the other side.

[sparklemaia]

yes I'm now on the other side of top surgery and I'm allowed to lift things again 💪 You might have already seen this one on my substack -- did u know you can subscribe to my substack for early access to comics like this?! Sent directly to your email inbox??? FOR FREE????? (there is also an optional paid tier for exclusive bonus content for five bucks a month but like 80% of my posts will be free and publicly available) ty ily♥

[charmstwit]

Ready, Steady, Eddie

link here

Summary:

Eddie Bones was not always known as Eddie. He was, however, always well loved. This is the story of how Eddie discovers himself and finds love along the way.

Snippet:

“Remember when I socked the Millers boy for saying I had to be Helga Hufflepuff when we played Founders?” Eddie asks.

Pepper nods. “I do, I had to heal that little boy’s nose.”

“And I wanted to be Hilbert, her little brother,” Eddie says.

“Who doesn’t exist, and when little Adam Miller told you so–” Pepper mimes a punch. “I remember.”

“I just didn’t want to be a girl,” Eddie says.

[aurimeanswind]

Letter #2: Hey Old Friend

This is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, consider it a thought experiment or hell, maybe even personal therapy. Writing the preface here, before diving in, this could end up being too personal, too dark or too much, I don’t know. I know that there is that risk, meaning maybe this never goes public anywhere, but it’s something I’ve wanted to try and do, so I’m going to do it, and we’ll see what I have to say.

—

Dear Alex,

Hey sweetheart. I know, it feels like it’s been a while since we last talked, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you know I do think about you all the time. You’re so deep in my thoughts sometimes it’s a detriment to how I live, to what I do. But there are little sparkles of you there, every now and again, and sometimes they hurt a lot, but sometimes they make me really happy too.

I know, you’re probably too old for the “it gets better” speech. I get it. I think me sitting here and rambling on about how we’re doing so much better seems kind of shitty, to be honest. I wanted to add some focus, to tell you about things you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes it’s a little thing, and it’s just fucking awesome– you know like when you walk into the bathroom and there is the big mirror on the wall, and you have to stop for a second and think… that’s me? 

Remember that first dream we had together, where you walked into the bathroom and you looked like me, and you were flabbergasted? It wasn’t the change and how silly the rest of the dream was, it was how good it felt. How right it felt. It’s like that in real life sometimes–not all the time, but enough of the time, and it’s only getting to be more and more. I know in that dream you went on to try and explain to your friends that you were a girl now, and they didn’t understand. I remember how you went to work and they told you you didn’t work there, that you weren’t the right person, but that was wrong. I just wanted you to know they were wrong. I know that haunted you a lot, how it felt so good but so hard at the same time, and the difficulty gets easier. You level up, you know how this works by now. 

The double-take in the bathroom still happens all these months later you know, and it really doesn’t get old. I’m sure someday it will, I know it’ll just fall into the background and the bad things, the stagnancy might come back, but I know now you just can’t think like that. It’s about those walking-in-and-seeing-the-mirror moments, those are the little bits of glue that stick the whole world together, that get you through this week to tomorrow, to the next breath, and so on.

Also, you’re gonna feel confident. Maybe not “OnlyFans” confident but hey, I’ll let you know, you’re gonna feel a lot closer to that than you think right now, which is kind of awesome. You’re gonna look great. You’re gonna like how you look, what you wear. You’re going to feel stylish and even beautiful sometimes. I know you never got to feel that before… I’m sorry, we should have talked sooner. Should have opened the door sooner, and sometimes I think about how it’s our fault, but also you only get one journey through life, and this one isn’t all bad. 

It gets hard. The feelings are hard. It’s going to open up those old wounds. Remember all those times with family where you were hurting so much, but you just bottled it up? They’re gonna come back. They hurt a lot more now. You’re going to realize that those things messed you up a lot more than you like to let on. All those times you felt like you were heartless because you felt nothing, or close to nothing, when something bad happened? All those times where it was so hard to cry? That’ll stop, but the floodgates are going to be open. That first time it’ll feel like you’re grieving everything for the first time. That the world is on fire and you’re burning too. It’s going to hurt a lot hun, and I’m sorry. Trial by fire is the whole experience, it’s part of who you are, and you’ll learn to embrace it even if it feels impossible sometimes.

Those times where you’re so torn up, like it’s razor blades inside and nothing else, and you just want to find a way to end it– that will change. It’s the good news part of it. It’s not like it’ll never happen again, but you’re going to find that you actually really want to live. Part of it is for the people who don’t, who pass on and who leave you, leave everyone, but the bigger part is because you’re going to start liking life again. I know it sounds almost impossible to believe, if you had told us that it would get this good even just three years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you either– but it does. It gets good honey, I can’t wait for you to see what it feels like.

Then there are all the things you think are going to change, but don’t, and the things you don’t think are going to change, that do. Remember hoping that you might find rhythm, hell maybe you’re secretly musically talented but the testosterone was what was killing it? Nope. Sorry, the butter-fingers shit doesn’t stop either. That actually gets worse. Keep a packet of bandaids on you all the time, you’ll be going through them constantly. 

It’s really easy to be alone now, and that’s good, and I know you’re having fun with it, and I’m glad. But listen, and I mean this in the nicest way hun, you’re a fucking hermit. Just text someone, anyone sometime! It’s alright, this gets better, that part at least. But it’s gonna be really hard to be alone. I know you liked being single, but it’s because you hate your body, you think no one is going to love it, and hey, they kind of aren’t, not in the time that you’re like you are now. But the loneliness is going to come back. I couldn’t tell you if it’s because of the grief, or the way attention feels now, but being alone is going to fucking suck. You’ll go from intro-to-extro faster than you can even imagine. It’s gonna be pretty sudden too, it’ll be one month, everything like that is normal, and the next you’ll be crying yourself to sleep every night because of how lonely it feels. You’ve got good friends, you still do, some new ones too, that are amazing women that fill your life with light, so don’t be afraid–you’ll manage. 

It’s definitely weird, because you’ll like the sunlight. You’ll like being outside, and that’s a strange feeling for the little girl who was pale as the moon and pretended to hiss when the curtains opened–but now it’s like it’s charging you up. You’ll love lipstick, and make up, and the breeze on your shaved legs. You’ll like the smell of things, the warmth of things. Touch is going to drive you crazy, and when people reach out to your hand it’ll make your head spin. All those little things really add up, I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but they do.

There are good and bad things. Old pains that cut like daggers for the first time in 20 years, and new loves that take your attention away from video games, or Marvel movies, or things you like a lot right now. But it’s exciting to try new things! You know how you always wanted to be a book girlie? Well I’ve got good news! You decided to try it and you really, really love it. Oh, and the sexy books are still your favorite, more than ever.

I’ve rambled on for long enough (yeah, that doesn’t stop, it just gets worse) but I wanted to leave you with one last thing:

I love you. I really do. I know sometimes, we’d look at ourselves, and we didn’t. We hated it. We hated looking into those eyes that seemed so dark, thinking about all the people we hurt, the women we didn’t respect, the mistakes we made… But it’s different now. You’re taking the steps to be authentic, to be you, and I love you. I really, truly do. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and I mean it when I say that. I know it’s dumb, but it gets better. Keep going, and you’ll see what kind of adventures are ahead of you.

Spoilers: it’s pretty fucking great.

Your love, your friend, your confidant,

Auri

[meltedmush]

Art dump (1/2) for today!

[4threset]

"Looks like you still stand,

Let me finish you, Bang Bang Bang"

[cart00nmilk]

SONADOW CONFESSION STORY EXTRA 1

This one happens as an interlude between part 8 and 9

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 146

My dearest readers, this one will not be for the ones, who don't like thinking about naked people. (yes, I'm talking to you, the one person I know in real life who sees my posts) 👀

Two weeks after I started t I felt the second brain growing between my legs. The one that makes you think about that one hot cosplayer you saw last weekend uncontrollably. And I knew I had to get some toys to keep it busy.

I looked into toys specifically for people with bottom growth and read some top lists of other ftm people. Air suction interested me even before, but it seems like it's also perfect for that little t bean. Important was the size of the nozzle, which is made with mostly cis women in mind. This article didn't just offer measurements but pictures with objects for size reference!

I followed the advice of this author and finally spent some money. The package arrived yesterday. I heard so much about other peoples' experiences but I was still completely overwhelmed. This thing just sucked/blew my brains out.

It took me some tries to get it to do its thing right, but when it did, there was no doubt that this was it's purpose. I don't have that much growth yet, but that doesn't really matter. As long as it fits, it will work. My dear ftm friends, don't underestimate trying out new stuff on your new body. Just enjoy yourself.

Sadly my body seemed to think, that I want to check if all my funny female organs still work and decided to demonstrate it's abilities by bleeding... Something I really didn't miss. Luckily my brain was still gone when I noticed, so it didn't annoy me as much as it would have. Still, just don't? Imagine I need that blood for something else!

[demaparbat-hp]

Izumi of Jang Hui died young. She was sixteen and unwed. A kind child, protective and lonely—thus unfit for this world.

Izumi of Jang Hui was murdered. The Painted Lady was born out of hatred and grief. Her skin is painted red with the patterns of her scars. Her home is the river where the Dark Water Spirit dwells—he who found her, drowned and beautiful.

Build shrines by the river and pray for her good will. Harm her land or people and pray for mercy.

[sparklemaia]

my friend Liam and I just released a mini-zine to celebrate being two years post-op from top surgery! This little zine is free to download here or you can dm me and I'll mail you a physical copy for free (free shipping within the US!).

[Image Descriptions: sequence of 5 images, with a hand holding a printed zine in front of green plants, progressively turning pages for each image. Art is inked in a simple style, and shaded in greyscale.

Image 1: Zine cover. Title text reads: "two friends, two years since top surgery!" Metallic scissors snip through a curling ribbon decorated with the words "two friends, two years," the word "since" is a script font centered below, and "top surgery" is inside a speech bubble coming from illustrations of the artists in the bottom corners. Maia, on the left, has one hand up and is wearing a t-shirt with a bicycle graphic; Maia has short hair that's slightly longer on top, earrings, and glasses. Liam, on the right, is wearing a plain t-shirt and has buzzed hair with a long topknot.

Image 2: Pages 1 and 2 of the zine.

Left page: Text at the top surrounds an illustration of Maia as a bust, with twisting smoke covering her chest. Top text: "I didn't hate my chest, exactly. It just never felt like it belonged." A rounded black rectangular section with white text reads: "Dysphoria manifested as a disconnect between my brain and body." Chains break on both sides of the word "disconnect." Below, Maia walks down stairs, holding books tightly to her chest. Text reads: "Repeatedly encountering the reality was an unpleasant, jarring surprise--like missing a step."

Right page: Maia, wearing a striped t-shirt and smiling with one hand on her chest, holds up her phone to take a photo. The rounded black rectangle behind frames the white words: "Top surgery has given me a peace that's hard to articulate." Grey steam spirals from beneath this text into the bottom of the page, coming from a mug that a seated Maia contentedly holds with two hands. Text to the left: "It's like taking a hot shower and then putting on the softest, coziest pajamas that fit just right. It's a quiet 'yes'-ness, a joyful resonance."

Image 3: Pages 3 and 4 of the zine.

Left page: Three illustrations of Liam as a young kid with long curly hair, implying the passing of time from left (youngest) to right (oldest). The first two look down with discomfort, while the third is typing at a laptop, frowning. Text on the page splits across the illustrations and reads: "I wanted the weight off my chest long before I knew that the word for the knot of feelings living there was dysphoria." A black squiggle covers the chest of each iteration, scrawling down the page beside the text and becoming the word "dysphoria" at the end of the sentence. An older Liam with short curly hair holds the end of the unraveled line, eyebrows raised.

Right page: At the top is an illustration of Liam in a side profile view, hunched forward with their fist curled towards their chest, over a dark background made of zigzag lines. Text at the top reads: "I hadn't truly realized how loud that dysphoria was--until it wasn't." The last part of the text breaks into the light section of the panel, alongside a zigzag shape that leaves the large mass above and slowly disappears as it reaches another Liam, standing upright and holding a hand to their chest. They smile in relief. Text beside them reads: "Now it is quiet, every breath a connection with my body."

Image 4: Pages 5 and 6 of the zine.

Left page: Maia holds a pair of scissors and a set of four cutout hearts. She says, "Top surgery for me was less about my gender identity and more about my body feeling like mine." The word "mine" is written across the hearts. Maia continues: "Even though my experience doesn't align with a 'typical' f to m transition, top surgery was 100% the right choice for me." Beside this text is a Sharpie marker and a name tag. The name tag reads: "Maia she/her" with a smiley face. Below is Liam as a floating head, above five cutout people in different skin tones holding hands. The middle person has lines across their chest and is surrounded by tiny cutout hearts. Liam says, "For me, it was both about my identity and about crafting a more comfortable space to exist in."

Right page: Top text reads: "We believe access to top surgery is fundamentally about the right to bodily autonomy." Maia and Liam hold either side of a large pair of scissors, cutting through a ribbon with the text "bodily autonomy" on it. Below, more text reads: "Though we each have different relationships to gender, we both chose top surgery to feel at peace in our bodies."

Image 5: Back cover of the zine. Text at top: "While we recognize our privilege in being able to access top surgery, it's not fair that it requires privilege!" Beneath this, Maia and Liam defiantly hold bricks in their hands while standing behind a crumbling brick wall, saying, "We will fight for your right to do whatever you want with your own body!" Under the wall is the text "Everyone deserves access to medical care that helps their body feel like home" with a heart symbol to the right of the last word. At the bottom are the artists' links, with cartoon heads beside their respective info. For Maia: "linktr.ee/sparklemaia" and instagram account "sparklemaia.art". For Liam: "linktr.ee/LMPerttula_design" and instagram account "LMPerttula_design". Beneath is a creative commons license symbol, dated June 2025.

End image description]

[estcaligo]

Sebek's scars

Sebek x reader, romantic A/N Technically, this shouldn't be a part of my I Love Everything About You series because it's not in the right format. But a sudden drabble formed in my head while I was rereading Sebek's Scales this morning, so I've decided to include it as a special piece.

Sebek's scales are a wonderful idea, but I need to talk about his scars.

I mentioned once his lightning scars from using his unique magic, but what about his regular ones? He has been through intense training, survival camps, combat practice, and weapon mastery. There have to be some scars on his body.

So I find myself wondering - do they (Lilia, Mama Zigvolt, or Baul) erase these marks with magic, or do they let them remain? I hope they don't remove them.

Because then, you could trace them, kiss them, and tell him how strong he is. And he'd become all smug about it, proudly recounting the stories behind each one.

Of course, he'd mention Malleus at least ten times, declaring that it's an honor to bear these marks - medals of valor earned in the service of protecting his king.

But then, as your hand gently traces along his body, you notice a small scar that appears fresh. Before you can ask about it, he suddenly tenses, trying to cover it up, his usual bravado faltering. For the first time, you catch a glimpse of shyness in his movements.

"I'm sorry, does that hurt?" you ask softly, making sure his reaction isn't caused by pain.

"No, pain is not the matter here" he replies, trying to sound indifferent.

"Oh, good. Then… what's the story behind this one?" you're careful with your question, but try to meet his eyes.

He hesitates for a few moments before finally saying "This one is because of you."

"What? I-I'm so sorry!" your first reaction is panic, as he doesn't elaborate. "D-did I hurt you somehow? If I did, then I'm really s-”

"Ha! As if a weak human like you could hurt me!" his bravado returns as he smirks.

Then, taking your hand, he presses it gently against the scar.

"This one," he says "is from when I saved you from that darkness during our dream-hopping journey! You're such a weak human - what were you thinking, jumping in there…?"

You remember that moment, when Sebek had actually saved your life - one of many, many times. He has never mentioned scars obtained because of you before, though. Is that why he was acting nervous?

"Oh… I see. Thank you, Seb, and… I am sorry." you slowly start to pull your hand away from his body, but he suddenly grabs it, holding it firmly as he meets your gaze.

"Stop apologizing! Or do you think such a trifle is something to worry about for me?" his voice is a little louder than before, and you notice a hint of blush on his cheeks.

"I'm just sorry that you have to bear it because of me now…" you murmur, still sounding guilty.

"Were you listening to me just now? Or are your human ears too weak for even my voice to reach them?!"

You blink at him in confusion. His grip on your hand tightens slightly.

"I just said that bearing scars for protecting those who are dear is a great honor for a warrior!"

"But that was about Lord Malleus-"

"About Lord Malleus, of course. But also…" his voice drops to a quieter tone. "This applies to you, too."

For a moment, there's only silence between you, the weight of his words settling like a promise.

"As long as these scars mean you are safe, I shall bear them as my armor. Do you understand?" his gaze is still locked on you - serious and unwavering.

And you return his steadfast look with a gentle smile, leaning in to draw him into your embrace.

"Bear your armor with pride then, my knight." you whisper. "And I will make sure no scar ever reaches your heart."

[aurimeanswind]

Letter #1: Hello Again, Little Blog

Hello again! If you’re reading this as someone who *only follows me on Tumblr* girl I bet this is gonna be a surprise huh. If not, and you know me from Irrational Passions, or Twitter, or Instagram or something, then welcome back to my little blog. I used to write here every week, a little diddy I called Sunday Chats, where I’d take some questions from Twitter, talk about stuff I was working on, and just flex the writing muscles. It’s been about six years since the last time I did that, which is kind of insane to write out and think about.

Anyway, I’m back, and hey, I’m a girl! That’s cool, right??? This first “letter” is going to be a lot about that, since today is my one year anniversary of starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT), so we’ll get to that. I’m changing up the format, these will be letters from me, written as such, but really they’re just blog posts. I’ll leave up my old chats for a while, but they may get archived at some point, just because I’m not really that person anymore. 

Anyway, preface aside, my name is Auri, and it’s nice to see you again. :)

—

Dear Friends,

Hello! From a new me. A new life. It’s kind of insane what can happen in a year, ya know? How much happier you can become, how much grief you can experience, how much your wardrobe can change!

I’ve missed writing, and writing to you in particular, so I hope you don’t mind a little self-indulgence. I have a lot to catch you up on, so it feels appropriate to write about it, to jot it down and get it in some more semi-permanent format. 

I often think about the question, “what does it mean to you, to be a woman,” as a trans person, and it’s a complicated question, because women are all things and also sometimes very specific things, like sisters, or mothers, or daughters. To me, it’s just who I am. It’s a piece of me that I buried deep down and tried to pretend like it was something I didn’t deserve, that I didn’t belong. It’s something that haunted me, that I thought about being everyday for years. I’d have dreams where I’d do mundane things, like go for walks, do the dishes, but I was a girl. I know this is something I’ve not really talked about online, and I wanted to change that. I wanted to share my experience here, because back in the day, talking about Depression or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome helped people who read here, who would reach out to me and say they appreciated how open I was about these things. Well, now I want to be open about being transgender, because it’s a huge part of who I am, it’s something I am earnestly proud of, and it’s maybe the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

So when did it start?

Those dreams, or things I’d dismissively call intrusive thoughts, had been with me since my early 20s. When I found out that cisgendered people don’t actually think about being the opposite gender all the time, I was actually pretty shocked. I thought, “oh well I’m sure there are tons of men that think about being a girl all the time,” and yeah, it turns out that isn’t true! And if you’re sitting here reading this and thinking, “wait… really?” well uh, hey! I’ve been there! And I won’t assume anything on your part just like I didn’t on my own, but I want you to know that it’s actually very good and healthy to explore that feeling, to dig deeper and ask yourself what that means to you. 

I didn’t do that for the longest time. It started with, “hey, I wish I could just be a girl for a day,” and I thought that everyday for years, and then it became a month, then a year, then a dream, then a wish. “God I wish I could be a girl, just because that’s what feels right to me.” I’d look at pictures of my friends, of people or celebrities I had a crush on and analyze their clothes, wishing I could wear things like that. Turns out this is a form of gender-envy, and was giving me gender dysphoria, which was a big contributor to the very same depression I’d write about in this blog years ago. A fog in my mind, a feeling like I am holding my breath everywhere I go. I would hate looking at myself in the mirror, even when I felt confident, or good. I hated being naked, or changing, and I hated myself, to be quite honest. 

So I finally started reflecting. I knew what it was, even if I buried it deep down. The time alone during the throes of 2020 led to a lot of self-reflection, and after dinner one night I asked my rock, my best friend of 20+ years and the best person in my life, Damien, if I could talk to him about something serious. I was so nervous, partly because I didn’t know what Damien would say, and partly because I didn’t know what I’d say! I remember taking him into my room, where I was most comfortable, and curling up in a ball on my couch, feeling the tightness in my chest, and holding so tight to my legs balled up to me, curled in fear of everything, of judgment, of the world. He ended up being more scared than me! Until I finally just said, for the first time ever out loud, “sometimes I think I was born as the wrong gender.”

The journey of self-discovery is a long one, and it all starts with one step. This was mine. After our talk I felt such a lift off my shoulders. It was December 2020, and it’d be years until I really let myself take the next step.

So what is the next step?

I talked to a psychiatrist, I talked to my specialist, and after a year of thinking about it, I finally made an appointment to see an endocrinologist, or a “hormone doctor,” as I have been calling them. I had to make an appointment three months out, which may be because there are a lot of trans folks out there, but also hormones are super important to everyone! Those 90 days were the longest of my life I feel. But I had the support of a small handful of friends behind me. My friend Alyssa was the second person I told, and she was just as warm and welcoming as Damien, allowing me to ask questions, to be myself, to explore what it was to be “she” instead of him. 

March 6th 2023. The day I saw my doctor and started my dose of estradiol (estrogen) and spironolactone (testosterone blocker). Just one year ago! I took a picture that day, and looking back on it, I sure do hate looking at it, along with most old pictures of me to be honest. But I knew when I took it that this would (hopefully) be the one I look back on and then look in the mirror and remind myself I made the right decision. And it is, I was right. 

Now for point of reference, here is a picture of me today:

In all fairness, I was at a particularly low point of my life, it’d be a few months still before I would even feel myself change and become the woman I was always meant to be. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I still have years and years left of changes and breast growth and voice training and hair styling and… well, you get the idea. I’m no “trans-master” and I don’t want to give that impression. Everyday I still learn something new, and grow in ways I never knew I could. I love that.

So what happens next?

Next was some long months of doubt. Sometimes for trans folks, they know for sure, they’re counting the seconds until they can start the proper hormones their body has been craving. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure until May of 2023, two months being on Hormones, and I was scared, and I just followed my heart.

This may seem “contrary to the trans experience” but I’ve found that the trans experience is very much a moving target. Everyone is different, and everyone has a different timeline in their head of what they think it should look like. I spent a lot of long months thinking I was “too old” to transition (not true) or that because I didn’t think about wearing dresses through my childhood I wasn’t “trans enough” (also, very untrue). I worried that because my dysphoria wasn’t at a certain level or because I didn’t know with absolute certainty that this was the path that I wasn’t really trans, I was faking it out of some identity crisis, which is dangerously close to a very dangerous narrative posited at trans people to discourage them. 

Sitting here, one full year into my physical transition, happiest I’ve ever been, realest I’ve ever felt, it seems pretty silly thinking about those things, doesn’t it? But I can’t overstate how scary it is to transition, to change your body in permanent ways, to take the leap of faith, with everything happening in our country, with ideas like “Project 2025” looming over our future like a specter. Right now, especially, it’s in your face, but reflecting on how invisible the struggles of trans rights were even before that gives you perspective, sometimes making it feel like it’s never a good time to transition, but really, it’s the best it has been depending on where you live, and that is a privilege, even if it’s also a nightmare just across a state border.

All these thoughts come from months of self-reflection, and the feeling still translates at times to “years of wasted time,” and I hate that, but I carry on regardless. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, my brain feels clear and solid and unified in a way it never has before, I’ve learned what confidence feels like, truly, for the first time. When I look in the mirror, I smile, because I love the girl looking back at me. I can’t, in any words, really communicate to you what that is like, what it’s like to look at yourself and feel uncomfortable, then look at yourself and feel a light, and joy, but I can tell you it’s incredible. 

So it’s been a whole year.

What’s next? Who knows! Some people might think about surgeries or procedures or things of that nature, and maybe, we’ll see. Right now I am focused on fixing my terrible financial situation, which is generally unrelated to my transition. Focus on my life outside of all of this. I told myself when I started, I wanted to just focus on this for a while, and it’s been a whole calendar year. And it feels incredible. I’ve learned that I’m always going to be focusing on this, on me, but I’m ready to juggle a few more plates. 

I have plans to make a safe place for trans people to hangout and chat, specifically in the gaming sphere. I want to put myself out there in a way that I haven’t before, and connect with queer folk in spaces I’ve told myself I don’t belong to for years and years. I want to make new friends and learn of the struggles of other folks, and be more than just an example, but an advocate for kindness and patience in the trans sphere. I want to spread my wings, I guess, and it feels so nice to have found and understand that.

What do I have to say in reflection? I have come back to the phrase, “I didn’t know life could feel this good.” I really didn’t. It’s not about “being a woman,” it’s about living your truth, a phrase I have particularly latched onto in the last couple of years. Being your authentic, true self. I used to carry all this anger in me, and it was a poisoned well that was all I had to drink from. A bitterness and jealousy that haunted me. I wanted to embrace a gentle kindness, and I feel like I pretended to be that person for years. I treated people poorly, I didn’t listen when I should have. Now, I can say confidently that I am living as that person I knew I was. I have embraced her, and told her it’s going to be okay, and we’ll get through this together. I can’t wait to keep being her.

So this is a promise, to return and write again, about these types of things, maybe finish talking about that first year and how it’s been, talk about grief and how I feel like I’ve only truly experienced it for the first time, how I’ve found new closeness and new distance with family, and many more things like that. 

Thanks for reading, if you did, and thanks for listening. I hope this helped you open your heart to a girl from Maryland who is grateful for you, and I hope you’ll come back again. Until then, stay positive, it gets better. <3

Love,

Auri