#toxic self-reliance I guess

[alectoperdita]

all I ask is for one day, one day where work doesn't leave me feeling subhuman and completely drained of motivation/creative drive/will to live

[heyits481]

I haven’t been on tumblr in yeaaars, but here’s my landoscar rpf masterlist :)

Also, my thoughts about rpf are this- it’s fun to write/read and a great opportunity to be creative and imaginative, but also in no way do I think Lando and Oscar are really together/any sexuality other than what they’ve explicitly shared with us!

So as always don’t share these outside of these spaces and remember that these are real people in the real world, the stories are just for fun!!

Works and descriptions below the cut! Happy reading :)

You Were the Best, You Were the Worst

Three part series featuring Lando Norris/Oscar Piastri and Lando Norris/Max Verstappen, navigates Lando working through his, what could be described as toxic, relationship with Max and developing relationship with Oscar.

Plane Conversations

Ongoing Lando Norris/Oscar Piastri series that I add to when needing to process a particularly traumatic race weekend lol

Individual Lando Norris/Oscar Piastri works

when we all fall asleep, where do we go?

“I feel like you’ve told me that you don’t dream.” Lando lets out a watery laugh. “I don’t, I mean, I didn’t. They started happening recently.” He feels Oscar’s fingers freeze against his head and Lando’s stomach drops- panicky at the thought he’s said something wrong.

“They?” Oscar’s voice is cautious. “Does this happen a lot?” Lando pauses before responding, tries to think of how to save this before Oscar starts to see him as even more of a freak than he probably already does

Make it Obvious

His silence prompts Lando to lick his lips nervously, to speak and fill up the empty air. “I guess I’ve just noticed you’ve been more confident with filming and stuff this year, haven’t needed me as much during media.” He adds a light punch to Oscar’s shoulder and it’s like the contact jostles his brain back into working order.

It clicks. Lando is disappointed Oscar hasn’t needed him, craves Oscar’s reliance on him. Oscar never thought about his growth in confidence impacting Lando, if anything he thought Lando would prefer it this way. Oscar being less of a bother, more self sufficient, more like Lando’s previous teammates.

Good Enough

Not that they need to say it- his own head is worse than any of the critics online, his thoughts only becoming harsher after getting his first win. Now that he knows what’s possible to achieve at each race. What he’s missed out on.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Another win bottled.

Close but not quite good enough.

Not quite good enough, not quite good enough, not quite-

It's Freaky Friday. Then Saturday, Sunday, what?

“Well then Lando, what would you do? How would you get him back?” Lando pulls a face and pretends to think it over, notes the way the crowd quiets down as they wait for his response.

“Oh that’s easy.” He says smirking softly. “We’re assuming this is taking place on a Sunday right? I’ll have obviously qualified on pole the day before-“ he’s interrupted by a cheer from the crowd and a laugh from Oscar next to him. “-I’ll have qualified on pole as myself, so when I wake up Sunday as Oscar I’ll just get in front of the rest of the cars and back them up. Maybe run into Max if I’m feeling generous. Easy victory for myself there!”

[celaenaeiln]

12 am anon here. okay so uh we havent talked about it cause i rly dunno how to tell them “yeah i think ur rly cute and i love it when you ramble abt the things you like and sometimes i do wanna kiss u” . anyways what songs do u think are dick grayson coded

personally some that come to mind are surface pressure from encanto, bad idea right and brutal by olivia rodrigo, and nerves by dpr ian. spring day by bts specifically when it comes to donna and wally and all his other dead loved ones

*older post I'm getting to now, 12 am anon and girlfriend are happily together, I just needed time to collate a list*

But that aside, you are literally the cutest. You make me so happy every time ;)

Surface Pressure, Bad Idea Right, and Brutal are all spot on!

I'd never heard Nerves before but now I've listened to it on repeat

Spring Day (eng ver) hadn't even entered my mind but now it won't get out.

Honestly all of Taylor Swift's and Olivia Rorigo's songs match Dick so perfectly

Orange are feel goods/exciting/dramatic story creation types

Blacks are sad/meloncholy/reflection songs about the darker side

I guess this is a Dick Grayson playlist.

Songs-

Come Hang Out by AJR - The Titans with Dick

You're Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring - self-explanatory.

Warriors of the Mind

You're on your own kid

This kpop song (anon knows, you might too)

My Version of You by Beth Crowley - reminded me of Tim and Dick's relationship when they fought during Dick's Batman era

Stop you're losing me by Taylor Swift - matches Dick fighting with Bruce

Unstoppable by Sia - reminds me of how the entire Superhero community relies on Dick and how he reacts in response

Let the Games Begin by AJR - is Dick constantly acting and ready for attention. Dick dealing with Gotham high society

Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons - embodies him in his entirety. If there's one song that defines him, it's this for me.

Toxic Thoughts by Faith Marie - Him struggling with his insecurities of breaking his own records

Welcome to the Show by Britt Nicole - Robin Dick being a little psycho and taking his team on an adventure

The First One by Astrid S - careful. It's about Nightwing (1996) Issue #134. Not sure if it can be considered canon or not, it's a gray area for me

Leader of the Landslide by The Lumineers - Basically Dick's reaction to Bruce abandoning him with all the kids and him being protective of them. Relates to Gotham War most clearly but always

Fire by Gavin Degraw - Dick's bamfness and journey

Christmas Kids by Roar - Here comes Bruce's messed up attachment issues to Dick

Million to One by Camila Cabello - Dick's perfectionist issues and dreams of being greater

If You Go Down ( I'm Going Down Too) by Kelsea Ballerini - Dick and Donna's ride or die relationship.

Don't Think Just Run by Beth Crowley - Dick, leadership, and the superheroes' reliance on him

Labour - Dick hypothically getting tired of Bruce dumping every single thing on him

Panic Room by Au/Ra - Scarecrow telling Dick in Knight Terrors that his fear may be the scariest fear of them all. I'm just imagining everyone getting trapped in Dick's head and being forced to face his fear. That would be such a fun story to write.

Rise by Katy Perry - Dick will always overcome and thrive.

Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga - Dick with the Titans just as they score a major victory

Human by Christina Perri - Dick asking for a reprieve (in his head)

Human by Krewlla - Same but sadder

Dress by Charlotte Sands - Other people falling in love with Dick

Gold Rush by Taylor Swift - How other people fall in love wiht Dick told through the eyes of Barbara or Kori

Heart of Stone by Six the Musical - Dick's unwavering love for Bruce

Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths - Dick is Achilles.

Geronimo by Sheppard - Silver Age Teen Titans era except it's all of them.

Circus by Britney Spears - C'mon. He's performer born for the spotlight.

Je vole by Louane - Dick's message to Bruce about him leaving

Je vais t'aimer by Louane - The intensity of Dick's love that sometimes leaves his lovers entralled, breathless, and scared.

Location by AJR - Dick reaching out to someone (not necessarily romantic)

Bird Set Free by Sia - Dick lives for himself and his morals. He lives for peace.

She Sets the City on Fire by Gavin Degraw - Other people's point of view of Dick

Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey - Dick's grief and mourning for Bruce's passing

Wonderland by Taylor Swift - Roy and Dick's relationship

Head Above the Water by Avril Lavigne - Dick being the superhero community's rock and leadership.

Nightmare by Halsey - Dick's a little wild but that's the reason he's still alive. This is just him going after Blockbuster.

Graveyard by Halsey - Dick literally keeping Bruce from destroying himself

The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy - Just Dick raising super powered team after team and yanking everyone onto their feet

Pompeii by Bastille - Dick's perspective after the bombing of Bludhaven

The entire sour album by Olivia Rodigro - To describe Dick and Bruce after Bruce fired him

Troublemaker by Olly Murs - How literally none of his exes can let him go

Issues by Julia Michaels - Dick and Kori's relationship

See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth - Dick and the Titans

Monster by Eminem and Rihanna - The amount of times people have told Dick he was crazy and he laughed and did it anyway

Superhero by Simon Curtis - Teen Titans Dick

Thunder by Imagine Dragons - Dick always takes charge of himself and his own destiny

A Million Dreams, the Greatest Showman - It literally sounds like Dick's inner thoughts to make Gotham a better place

Brave by Sara Bareilles - It's reminiscent of Dick's speech to Conner

Secrets and Lies by Death Note the Musical - This is Outsiders Dick Grayson to a T

Playing His Game by Death Note the Musical - This is how Dick solves all his crimes and mysteries

Drinking alone by Carrie Underwood - Ric Grayson

[digitalmouthhole]

So.... here's something "fun" I recently discovered about myself:

I had two ideas thrust upon me and enforced as a child.

1: True love for someone means they're always there for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.25 days a year, and they never leave your side no matter what. AKA: Codependency

2: You are worth more when you are actively, needlessly suffering, and in order to secure that sense of safety, you must actively cause yourself suffering and/or you must lower yourself to that of dirt.

AKA: Toxic Fawning

I learned these due to my childhood disability, where I was constantly monitored 24/7/365.25. I was treated like a delecate flower until my disability was treated, at which point I was expected to live a "normal" life despite never having or given a chance to learn the skills necessary for it. I never learned self-reliance, or self-dependance, yet I was expected to perform it after I was "cured" of my disability.

I guess that's the thing about having a "former" disability; it never really leaves you, even if treated.

Ah well, c'est la vie! Something to work on in the New Year!

[kookies2000]

We all know this scene when Puss faces his past lives.

Spoilers

I'll be honest, something was disturbing in this scene when I first saw it. I'm rewatching the scene and trying to put my finger on it. Then it hit me. That Tik Tok comment I saw that said the Lost Souls were acting like the sins from the Bible. The connections people made from this film and toxic masculinity. This scene right here is oozing with toxicity and masculinity.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that I am not down-talking men. I'm analyzing this scene as a Mexican woman.

Anyways, here are some traits in toxic masculinity.

Self-reliance - Men believe they have to do all the work and handle everything by themselves. Independent at all times, they need no one. They believe doing things by themselves will make them successful in life. Being vulnerable will cause the man to be ridiculed. That's Puss throughout the film.

Promiscuous - There's nothing wrong with having sexual relations with others. If it's your thing, it's your thing. But there is such thing as too much of a good thing. Being flirtatious is ok, healthy even, but when it becomes very frequent or an obsession, it can lead to problems in forming long-term romantic relationships. Puss in a nut shell.

Being violent and dominant - Most men believe they have to be strong, physically mostly. So they take risks in life and try to beat others in their own game. Taking risks can be a way to demonstrate dominance. This can include gambling as well. Or dangerous sports. The cause of some of Puss deaths. Not to mention Death pretty much gave Puss a reality check. Puss isn't as strong as he thought he was.

And a big one, refusing to seek help when struggling - self-explanatory. Men try to be emotionless and never seek intimacy with others. Especially with other men as it's seen as a weakness.

All these traits are displayed in this scene. At first, it's fun for Puss because he remembers how much fun he had in his past lives. All the parties, lovers, drinks/food, adventures, risk-taking, everything. But once the adrenaline wears down, Puss knows it's time to leave. But of course, the Lost Souls don't let him. They try their best to convince him to leave Perrito and Kitty and get his lives back. They straight up tell him he doesn't need them and he's better alone. But at this point, Puss already formed a bond with Perrito and is reconnecting with Kitty. He remembers his regrets and this is what makes him determined to go back.

I guess the Souls notice this and start to ridicule Puss for being so vulnerable. Which is something I pointed out already in self-reliance. Men get teased and made fun of if they show even an ounce of vulnerability. Men can't have intimacy with their friends, let alone friends who are men. Men can't be held down by marriage. It sounds over the top but it does happen. I've seen it happen in the past in my household.

Men are also pushed to be physically and emotionally strong. Which is what Puss was trying to do as well. He didn't want to be afraid. He didn't want help and was a lone wolf. He refused to seek help when struggling. Thankfully for him, Perrito was a very determined guy. He followed Puss and helped him become more vulnerable and to open up more. Fixing his relationship with Kitty and becoming fiends.

So yeah, this scene was something alright. Puss was already developing at this point of the film. And then they made him face just how toxic he was being in his past lives. It almost felt like torture for him. But this is an important step in developing into someone better. You have to face your past some time and realize your mistakes so you don't make them again.

Ps, Antonio's voice acting here was incredible. Voicing nine different Puss while making each one unique. From the tone of voice to personality. He deserves some recognition for this scene.

[zalrb]

Do you mind going into the issues you're having with IWAV?

I don't know if I'll be able to explain it properly.

Generally speaking, while I do believe it's the most entertaining show on right now, and I'm having more fun watching this than I had watching, like, Bridgerton, and I do think Jacob Anderson and Sam Reid are doing fine jobs in their roles, I find the reliance on voiceover to be a crutch and I don't feel like it's really delivering on what everyone is raving about?

Like Louis will talk about how much he hated killing humans and the struggle he had to bear every night, but it's not really explored in scene, he just kind of has a scrunched up face and that's supposed to be his conflict.

Like do I actually see him struggle with this?

The most we really see it is when he nearly kills his infant nephew and even the reaction to that is pretty mild

(though Lestat going on about the opera and Louis being like, I nearly killed my nephew, Lestat, was funny) but without the voiceover and without prior knowledge of the book or the movie, I wouldn't know Louis is a tortured soul just by watching him, at most I would guess he was displeased because his facial expression 60% of the time is

Much like this thrall and sway that Lestat is meant to have over Louis, the dialogue explains exactly what it is,

I don't necessarily see it between the two of them, like he said this and I was like, where did I see this, though?

he doesn't look simultaneously intoxicated and conflicted, they don't really have the charge and chemistry that substantiates these poetic quotes, it's not this alluring magnetism or eroticism that devolves into rage or self-loathing, there's no sense of temptation or being seduced, Louis just looks pained when he’s supposed to look pained AND into it at the same time

but I'll go along with it anyway.

Even in the latest episode when Lestat and Louis have this big jealous blow up about how Lestat followed him and watched him with someone else and Lestat is angry because he heard their hearts were dancing, it's supposed to be this explosive, I-hate-you-but-I'm-obsessed-with-you-free-me-of-you-never-leave-me-I'm-yours-you're-mine but while watching the episode I never got this sense of simmering, consuming jealousy or of neither one of them being able to handle the other with anyone else, it's just this

it's actually pretty muted.

Like for all of this talk of the show leaning into the gay, toxic, all-consuming romance and exploring the domestic squabbles that everyday couples have, I find it actually pretty safe and not as dramatic as I would expect. I think most of that is done through Louis explaining to the viewer what was happening and what he was feeling instead of actually leaning into the drama unapologetically. Like if I give the movie anything, it's the sheer constant drama that's also punctured by a sense of irony.

I expected more this kind of energy

In terms of the racial aspect, I'm not particularly interested in the arguments Louis and Lestat have about what it means to navigate anti-black racism, I'm not particularly interested in Louis explaining his anger, or them going back and forth with things like this

or Lestat knowing about the racism, seeing it firsthand and going between shrugging it off because he lives for pleasure and wants Louis to do the same and being indignant about it, I'd just rather watch a Black gay vampire romance where the kinds of conversations and different ideologies would be more complex and more interesting and richer. There isn't anything new or interesting to me watching two people in an interracial relationship deal with race just because they're vampires because it's just like, yeah I've done this

But I have many posts of just wanting Black romances on mainstream TV.

But again, it's entertaining enough and the pacing is MUCH better than a show like HOTD and I at least know who these characters are.

[watching-pictures-move]

Put On Your Raincoats #28 | American Babylon (Watkins, 1985)

Roger Watkins spent most of his career making pornos, something which he apparently hated, and in American Babylon he turns that hatred directly at the audience. The movie is about two bozos. Losers. Schlubs. One of them, played by Bobby Astyr, spends his days doing little but watching pornography, oblivious to his surroundings and annoyed by interruptions. When his wife steps in front of the projector, he grouses at her to get out of the way. "Evaporate, Joan!" The other, played by Michael Gaunt, is weak-willed, easily goaded into doing or saying anything, whatever is the path of least resistance. Neither Astyr nor Gaunt are what you'd call conventionally attractive, and combined, they are some of the least flattering portraits of masculinity to grace the screen. I read somewhere that the popularity of unattractive men in straight porn is to help the target audience relate more easily to the proceedings. Watkins brings into focus the implied contempt in that trope.

As someone who spent a non-zero amount of time over the last year delving into vintage pornography, this movie hit a little close to home. When Astyr starts critiquing the camera angles in the movie he's watching, I felt personally attacked. Astyr's choice of entertainment here is in the form of plotless reels with titles like Teenage Pigmeat in Heat, a film by Bernard America, and Butt Girls in Bondage, directed by Hank Packard (which sounds like a dig at Henri Pachard's pretentious porn name), and starring Lonnie Lee as the Butt Girl. Astyr appears to be getting off on their dehumanizing quality ("Hey Robert, I just realized something. They don't show anybody's faces in this movie." "Of course not, it's so much better that way, it could be anybody.") The reels are shot in cold, sterile black-and-white, their mise-en-scene (power tools, gym equipment) suggesting a parody of masculinity. (I admit I was a little concerned when the male performer was firing a blowtorch in the direction of the female performer while they engaged in sexual congress.) Watkins had been steadily removing any sense of warmth or eroticism from his sex scenes, but also seems aware of the limitations of this approach (especially when you cast a performer like Taija Rae, sporting a lady mullet, hubba hubba). His critique seems targeted at the genre as a whole, which despite the level of artistry it can contain (and I'm very much on the side of pornographic films being artistically worthwhile), is ultimately in the service of prurient interests, but in retrospect, feels prescient of the kind of gonzo pornography that would become the norm in the decades that followed. There's no need for plot, character, warmth, humanity, just body parts mashing against each other. That Astyr is seen usually in a raincoat and motorcycle helmet drives the point home.

Gaunt's character is depicted just as brutally but with a bit more humour. This is a guy whose most strenuous decision in his marriage (and source of tension with his wife) is whether or not he'll drink his milk. (His wife, seen topless and in panties and heels, in a skewering of genre demands, leaves him an angry note: "P.S. Drink your milk".) Astyr's wife, played by Tish Ambrose, in need of the kind of intimacy she doesn't get from her husband, sees Gaunt as an easy mark and sets up a rendezvous at a country western bar. Their exchange and her attempt at seduction are telling.

"You strike me as the kind of guy who's good at taking orders."

"Yeah, I guess so, my wife thinks so anyway."

"You want something to drink?"

"Yeah, I guess so, my wife thinks so anyway."

"I'm not wearing any underwear."

"I beg your pardon."

"The only thing separating skirt and my quivering pussy is a layer of air. What do you think of that?"

"Me? I don't know what to think."

Gaunt reveals a talent for physical comedy with his gawking, indecisive face during their tryst, his slapstick-like scramble out of his clothes, his dash with an empty cup as part of his excuse sneak out for another tryst ("I told my wife I was coming over to borrow a cup of sugar"), and his nervous patting of strap-on before he excuses himself out of a threesome. One encounter occurs when watching a porno with Astyr, who seems entirely oblivious to what's going on right beside him but also happy to have them around. ("My best friend and my best wife, finally taking an interest in my one true passion.") Their attempts at bonding seem self-defeating from both directions, as when Astyr tries to initiate a heart-to-heart, it's not clear how truthful Astyr's tale of young love or his recollection of a threesome that sounds suspiciously like one of his movies and the one Gaunt partook in. ("They were sisters, Thomas, sisters! That's what they told me afterwards. They might have been lying of course, It's human nature to lie.") When the visual style switches over to those of his movies, the indictment is complete, but in the final ten minutes, the movie finds something of an emotional core with a montage (Menopausal Males in Bondage) that recontextualizes the proceedings from Ambrose's perspective, while dissolving the boundaries between Astyr, Gaunt, and their porno movies. A beret and checked coat, first sported by Taija Rae, helps provide a visual throughline.

While I won't deny that the kind of masculinity exemplified by the protagonists, while flawed, feels a lot more benign than the kind of toxic masculinity that's been the focus of modern discourse, the laser focus of Watkins' indictment makes the movie work. Where the movie is less cogent but admirably bold is in situating its protagonists and their pathetic suburban existence as some kind of endpoint for American civilization. The opening credits have illustrations of historical images, evangelical radio is heard on and off throughout the movie, and after the aforementioned montage, the film closes with "American the Beautiful". In a brief but forceful sequence, we hear news of Lee Harvey Oswald's murder by Jack Ruby, Walter Mondale's acceptance speech at the 1984 DNC ("Mr. Reagan calls it "tokenism". We call it America.") and the bombing of North Vietnam, while Gaunt's wife (seen again in the nude, to sate the horndogs) fires a shotgun and the screen cuts to black. Watkins produces a passage from "The Harlot's House" by Oscar Wilde to drive home the sense of finality. ("The dead are dancing with the dead, the dust is whirling with the dust.") The protagonists' suburban homes are presented effectively as purgatorial spaces, captured in cold, isolating cinematography by Larry Revene, who had collaborated previously with Watkins on Corruption and Midnight Heat. Like the latter, I watched this in a not very nice video-sourced transfer, although it didn't seem quite as detrimental here (aside from the terrible audio quality, which made Gaunt's whistling sound like nails on a chalkboard). The look of the movie is effectively sterile, with a heavy reliance of moody bluish lighting that comes through even in a less pristine copy. (I understand that this didn't play theatrically, so I'm willing to limit my complaining.) It's also worth noting that while not detrimentally so to the film's overall argument, I did find Astyr's porno movies stylish in their way, and that I was not immune to the charms of Taija Rae, particularly with the beret and lady mullet I alluded to earlier. Folks, I'm not made of stone.

[spill-the-milk-tea]

My Thoughts On “A Whisker Away”

Warnings: spoilers, mentions of suicide/self-harm

A Whisker Away could have done better in a lot of areas, but it’s by no means bad, and the plot and overall concept make up for most of its shortcomings. Clearly Netflix is working hard to emulate the Ghibli formula, and while their attempts have all been misses so far, they have been gradually getting closer—and this is a big step away from the disaster that was Ni No Kuni. Better script writers and more time spent on animation is my only suggestion—scripts have always been a struggle for Netflix, which goes hand in hand with my second suggestion, because they’re focused on churning out new content.

Still, I think this would be a great film to show to children and young adults struggling with suicidal thoughts. Having this omen of destruction in the form of a cat, representing Miyo’s constant self-doubt, was actually very poignant. The first time we see Miyo’s mask fall and we see her real, bitter feelings is when she sees the first cat in the movie, which perfectly reflects her self-hatred. The way the Mask Seller speaks is clearly meant to represent Miyo’s inner dialogue, as she is hesitant to protest to them at first, but when they suggest going full-cat, she adamantly tells the voice to shut up.

While a lot of the other messages were sort of thrown in our face, I appreciate that some of the best symbolic ones were kept subtle rather than exposition-dumped on us. For example, Hinode only turning into a cat via his hands keys us into the fact that the cat transformation is dependent on self-hatred. Hinode feels like he’ll never be good enough to become a potter, thus he loses his hands. I actually like that they chose to go this route, as ridiculous as it was, because it subtly suggested to the audience that “becoming a cat” (aka suicide) isn’t a choice anyone can make just based on difficult circumstances.

I feel like the creep-factor on the Mask Seller could have been played up more, but I guess presenting him as this eccentric character that almost seemed to have the main character’s best interest at heart works better for the metaphor. He seemed mostly unassuming and non-threatening, and weird as he was, he made a convincing case. His concept as a villain is actually very cool. This idea that he steals the lives of those who don’t want them anymore, combined with his drug-dealer archetype is very unique. He preys on people who already hate themselves, luring them into thinking their lives aren’t worth living anymore, giving them a taste of freedom through his cat mask (aka self-harm). Once they’re hooked, he convinces them to make the full leap, whether they truly want it or not. The sort of momentary, but ultimately unsatisfying relief of self-harm to a suicidal person is captured very eloquently in the cat transformation metaphor. It’s actually quite dark how Miyo is so adamant about not transforming at first, but in a matter of days, after one particularly traumatic incident, she’s fully committed.

The connection between the feline and depression metaphor got a little messy near the end, but still nonetheless made an emotional impact. The cat believed that by taking someone else’s face, they could show their owner the love they deserved. Kinako showed a clear disdain for Miyo for not showing Kaoru the love she deserved, and sort of acted as this physical representation of Miyo feeling like she didn’t truly belong in the family. Of course, the owner loves them as a cat, not as someone else. The whole cat stealing human lives thing doesn’t play much into a bigger picture past just representing how as much as it may seem like it, becoming someone else or trying to take someone else’s spot won’t make us truly happy. And I think Kinako realizing it’s better to live out her own short life making Kaoru happy was a short but very sweet subplot.

The scene that really touched me most, surprisingly, was just seeing how Yori so persistently apologized to Miyo as she ran away from her. It so perfectly encapsulated the guilt that friends and family of suicidal ones feel when they see this person they care about clearly suffering. Yori clearly had Miyo’s best interests at heart and genuinely stayed by Miyo’s side through all of her troubles, and is a great example of how to be a supportive friend to a depressed person. She never coddled or pitied Miyo, but she was clearly worried when Miyo started acting “off”, and even then tried to stick by Miyo’s side and be supportive.

Muge is definitely eccentric and painfully cringy, but that in itself makes her a realistic teenage girl character (and a neurotypical adult male doesn’t get to paint her valid character flaws as failings on her or the writers’ part damn it.) Her feelings and thoughts start off as seeming very weird and childish, but gradually you come to understand her reasoning the more the movie goes on. Having been abandoned at such a young age, she pushes people away deep down in her heart, thinking that no one can ever truly love her. She was deeply damaged and never felt like she could really trust anyone again, viewing everyone as either selfish or irrelevant (represented by scarecrows.) This at first seems to just symbolize how other people seemingly don’t matter when she sees the guy she likes, but when she transforms her own parents into scarecrows, we see it represents her pushing people away from her. She tries to act like she doesn’t need other people to love her, when deep down, she really wants proof that someone can truly love her despite her eccentricities, as seen in her obsession to make Hinode confess to her.

One of the points in this metaphor I felt was lacking was that they didn’t really address how Miyo’s psychological reliance on Hinode as this perfect guy that would solve all her problems because of his apparent loyalty was sort of toxic? They definitely established it as over idealized and somewhat exaggerated with that whole Cinderella-transformation scene, where you can clearly see that she believes Hinode loving her will solve all of her problems. In the end I suppose it’s countered with her finally being accepted by Hinode and her accepting him in return, and her realizing that’s all she really wanted.

I did appreciate the background noise of Hinode telling the Mask Seller that it wasn’t Miyo’s fault her life was difficult, because it really puts things into perspective. The Mask Seller took advantage of Miyo’s trauma, just as it isn’t the fault of a suicidal person when their negative thoughts overtake them. That’s why we first see the mask seller when Miyo is at one of her lowest points—when she’s with her mother, attempting but failing to overcome her feelings of abandonment as she first begins to shut her out; and having just moved in with her stepmother, clearly overwhelmed with emotional burdens. I also thought it was interesting that they explained her not transforming back as deep down not wanting to be a human again. She still didn’t believe herself as being capable of being loved, and it took her realizing that she needs to love the people in her life first before she can truly start to heal. And it’s true, there’s a difference between not wanting to die and actually overcoming your depression.

In any case, Miyo’s thought process was almost painfully accurate. The way she lashed out at her parents for wanting her to stop smiling if she didn’t feel like it was something I definitely went through. It’s hard to explain, and definitely irrational, but in the most cold and logical sense, being told to give up your coping mechanism by the people who you feel are causing you to use said coping mechanism feels really offensive in the moment. She was using up so much emotional energy acting like she was okay for her parents, so she felt like it wasn’t their right to ask if she was okay. 

It was a really brief, but sad moment when we saw the difference between how she perceived her favorite meal at her house as opposed to when Hinode gave it to her. It wasn’t meant to show that her feelings of depression were circumstantial so much as it highlighted her abnormal mood swings, as well as how the root of her depression, so to speak, stemmed from her home life. And while I don’t agree entirely with how their relationship played out, I cannot agree more that seeing a person you care about suffering from self-hatred snaps you out of your own dark thoughts so quick. Miyo was quick to see Hinode’s good traits and to rationalize that he didn’t need to hate himself, but she couldn’t do it with herself. It took the thought of Hinode also possibly losing his life for her to snap out of her suicidal state of mind. Most suicidal people rationalize that the people around them would be fine if they died, or even preferred it, so Hinode showing through both actions and words that he didn’t want her to “turn into a cat forever” helped her start to value her own life. 

It was a stark contrast between me as the viewer, feeling like Miyo’s transformation was technically Hinode’s fault, and Miyo, who felt like she needed to transform for Hinode’s sake because she loved him so much. Wanting to die because of the boy she loved may seem like a stretch in the terms of the metaphor, but that’s the point. The things the Mask Seller says are inherently illogical, but he says them when the person is at their weakest emotionally, which makes it easier to convince them. In the end, both Miyo and Hinode were able to free themselves of their masks (aka their irrational self-hatred) when Miyo realized that Hinode genuinely wanted to get to know her, and Hinode stopped feeling like he needed to hold back so Miyo wouldn’t see he was a “nobody”. Essentially, being honest and vulnerable with one another.

Overall, I think having this “Mask Stealer” as this antagonist representing suicidal thoughts gives new meaning to the idea of one “taking away their own life” and is actually really eye opening to those who may be facing similar situations as Miyo. The message is cheesy, but the creative way in which they tackled adolescent depression and suicide is worth watching.

[chroniclackofselfpreservation]

Creatures of the Night

Chapter 16 - when love’s reliance ends

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AO3

Masterlist

(TW: verbal and physical abuse, PTSD, flashbacks, toxic relationships, graphic imagery)

(The title of the chapter comes from "Unkindness" by Charles Swain)

This can’t be happening, was what Virgil would have thought, had he been in a decent state of mind when he was swallowed by the Witch Queen’s beast. Instead, he fought the urge to faint as hot slippery muscles contracted around him, forcing him deeper into the demon’s gullet. 

Ursula was right. He was pathetic. He should be fighting right now. Scratching and biting; anything to get the serpent to throw him back up.

But he did nothing.

It was like his mind couldn’t completely register what was happening. That, and the pain in his newly broken leg kept him just dizzy enough to keep him unfocused. 

Panic coursed through him like someone had opened his mouth and stuck his face under a waterfall, and yet he wasn’t yowling in terror. He was barely thrashing.

Virgil couldn’t breathe, but he couldn’t tell if it was the white hot terror of imminent death seizing in his chest or the disgusting lumps of slimy muscle pressing into him, suffocating his small frame.

He could shift into a human. Right? That must do something. 

No. Bloodwyrm had eaten plenty of humans before. Unless he could turn into something bigger, there was no hope. He was going to die here.

His lungs burned. His leg sent spikes of pain up his entire body every time the muscles pressed down on it. He choked on bitter, tacky fluids he couldn’t name.

Virgil vaguely felt Ursula’s presence in his mind. 

I can’t believe you’re being serious right now, she complained.

How long before he hit stomach acid? How quickly would it kill him? Would he die from the burning or just drown first? He couldn’t believe he was going to be digested.

Alright, fine, hold on… she muttered, their connection waning. 

Virgil’s lungs spasmed and the sticky slime filled his mouth, his nose. His body felt heavy. His eyes slipped shut…

                                                * * * * * * * * * *

“...dead? Can I take his eyes? They’d go for some solid coin.”

“Shut up, he isn’t dead yet.”

Something pressed down hard on Virgil’s ribs, forcing whatever blocked his throat up and out. He squirmed weakly as he vomited up juices that definitely weren’t his own. All of his limbs felt weighed down, like he’d just waded through mud… or… 

Images and smells assaulted him out of nowhere. His ears filled with that horrid squelching sound, and his eyes flew open, his breath catching in his chest.

“What’s wrong with him?” Remus asked, poking him. Virgil wanted to growl, to scream, to claw Remus’s eyes out, something, but he couldn’t move, staring blankly ahead and suffering through the agonizing sensations wracking his mind.

“He’s all slimy,” The hobgoblin noted.

“I think Bloodwyrm swallowed him,” Ursula said. A wave of her hand, and Virgil was dry once more. 

Virgil let out a shuddering breath, curling in on himself. 

Remus poked him once again, and he shivered. 

“Leave him be, goblin,” Ursula said softly, getting up and walking away. Remus grumbled something under his breath, but obeyed. Virgil should have been grateful for that small act of kindness, but he couldn’t. 

He couldn’t think of anything else but the feeling of being eaten.

                                                * * * * * * * * * *

Days passed in a blur. 

Virgil didn’t speak. He wasn’t sure he could, at this point. He stayed in his human form as much as possible, vainly hoping that being big and intimidating would help him feel better. 

It didn’t.

He still woke up screaming, or as a terrified, confused cat. Everything he did was exhausting. His heart constantly raced at little things, like the lights being out, or the sound of Remus swallowing his food. 

That was what really got him. Remus would chew his food loudly, gulping water down, watching Virgil from the corner of his eye. Virgil would usually end up storming out of the cottage, or getting so worked up he swore he’d kill Remus in his sleep. 

Sometimes, he was so angry he thought he’d explode, but for no reason in particular. When he finally did start speaking again, Ursula rolled her eyes and asked if he was finally over “the whole mission-thing.”

“I’m fine,” he lied. Remus grinned at that, and Virgil felt a little pocket of dread open up inside him. He hadn’t told either of them yet, but he couldn’t use his powers. Aside from shifting between a cat and a human, he hadn’t been able to perform any of his usual magic. 

He was useless, and now completely helpless to defend himself from Remus. It was only a matter of time before they figured it out.

                                                * * * * * * * * * *

“What do you mean you can’t do it?” Ursula demanded around a mouthful of stew. 

Virgil’s chest constricted. “I—I don’t know, I guess I haven’t been myself lately, and—”

Ursula slammed her spoon down on the table and Virgil flinched. She pointed the utensil at him like a weapon. “You’re still hung up on what Bloodwyrm did, aren’t you, you pathetic cat? I thought I told you to stop freaking out about it. It’s over. It happened, like, a month ago, now.”

“I’m not freaking out about it,” Virgil protested, but it came out halting and breathless. “I don’t know why my magic isn’t working.” 

“Nature spirits almighty! You’d think you were tortured or something! You just broke a leg, Virgil, stop being such a baby about it,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “I might just get it in my head to make Remus my familiar instead of you, how about that?”

Remus perked up. “Really?”

“No, you’re too ugly,” she said, waving a hand. Remus snorted, nodding in agreement. 

Virgil shrank down. 

“For crying out loud, you stay in that human form so much, it’s like you think you’re a person, or something! Get a hold of yourself, you aren’t a kitten anymore. Bad things happen to everyone, Virgil. You aren’t special,” she grumbled. 

“I’m sorr—”

“Shut up! Could you be less pathetic for five minutes?!” She snapped, and flung her bowl of stew at him. The bowl struck Virgil’s shoulder and bathed him in scalding broth. He cried out, stumbling back. 

“There’s your dinner. I’m done arguing with you. Go clean yourself up before you get crap all over the floor,” Ursula muttered, walking off to her room in a huff. Virgil wiped his face, careful not to flick his hands and get it everywhere. He went to go outside, but his hand was covered in broth, and he didn’t want to touch the doorknob. Wiping it on his tunic as best he could, he stepped outside into the freezing air. 

“If I were Ursula,” Remus mused, leaning out of the kitchen window the leer at him, “I’d send you back to the palace and have Bloodwyrm finish the job.”

“Go away, Remus.”

“No, I don’t think I will,” he said, rocking a little on the sill.

Virgil glared at him, but he couldn’t deny the streak of fear coursing through him. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Remus realized that Virgil couldn’t fight back anymore. 

His grin stretched. “What’re you gonna do? Cry really hard? You know, I heard that if you stomp on the ground and say his name four times, he’ll show up.” 

Virgil stalked away, off to the river to clean himself up. He heard the crunch of Remus hopping out of the window and tromping through the snow after him. Virgil may not be able to fight back with magic anymore, but he was still taller than Remus by two and a half feet. That had to mean  something, right?

Virgil knelt in the snow at the riverbed, quickly shucking off his stained tunic and dunking it in the water. If he were his normal self, he could have been rid of the stain in a matter of seconds with a few quick words. Now, he was shivering next to a river like… like a mortal human. 

He was a familiar. A magical creature. And yet in that moment by the river, with Remus tracking lewd pictures into the fresh snow only yards behind him, he’d never felt more human. 

“Kitty! Come check this out! Did I make the tits too big?” Remus shouted, apparently forgetting his previous engagement of pestering Virgil. “What am I saying? Tits can’t be too big. They are a bit lopsided, though.” He shrugged. “Points for realism, I guess.”

Virgil didn’t respond, shivering as the winter breeze swept over his bare shoulders. It was going to take forever for the fabric to dry if he hung it outside. Maybe he’d hang it by the fire, and keep a careful watch on Ursula’s bedroom door. 

His hands became numb and clumsy with cold as he wrung out his tunic. It still smelled like stew. 

He’d have to try and warm himself by the fire as well, if that didn’t attract too much attention.

Steeling himself, Virgil dipped his cupped hands into the stream and splashed his face with the icy water, working the tacky broth from his skin and hair. 

A ball of snow struck the back of his neck, and he nearly lost balance and fell into the water. 

Remus hooted triumphantly and sauntered over. “You know, I think I’m gonna miss your old self.”

Virgil glowered up at him. “What are you talking about?” 

Just as he said the words, something smooth and wet wrapped around his ankle. Virgil’s head filled with the glint of smooth gold scales and he scrambled back, managing to slip on the bank and tumble into the icy stream. 

“Old Virgil didn’t make it so easy,” he said, crinkling his nose. 

Seething, Virgil pulled the slimy black root from his ankle, and chucked it at Remus, who easily dodged. 

He started back toward the cottage. “See you inside, kitty-cat!”

Virgil stood, trying to still his shivering body and hammering heart. He retrieved his tunic from where it had landed in the snow, and made his way back to the cottage as well.

The cottage meant warmth and shelter from the elements.

But it also meant pain. And memories. And shame that hung around his neck like a chain.

Yes, it was in these moments Virgil felt more human than ever.

                                                * * * * * * * * * *

Six months later.

Virgil followed behind Ursula as his normal, four-legged self, watching her back and tensed shoulders. They hadn’t been back inside the Witchlands in decades. Not much had changed. 

Ursula fingered the charm she wore about her neck, something she'd spent months crafting for the express purpose of slipping past the banishment spell keeping her out of the Witchlands.

Remus walked beside Virgil, absentmindedly trying to grab his tail as it swished through the air. 

Ursula was in a bad mood. Primarily because the entire reason she’d needed the charm was so she could meet up with someone who apparently knew how to fix Virgil. 

He was proving more than a little inconvenient to say the least. 

They all rounded the side of a hill and found a quaint little log cabin nested among the trees. Smoke seeped from the chimney and warm light shine from the windows. 

Ursula stalked forward, pushing the door open without knocking.

A figure in a billowy green blouse, brown leather corset, and cotton pants looked up from her seat beside the fire. Her hair was the color of coal smoke and her eyes as amber as the setting sun. 

She smirked. “You know, Ursula, maybe if you had more manners—“

“Oh, shut up, Amaryllis. I need a favor.”

The other witch shut the book open on her lap. “A favor?”

Ursula scowled. “I broke you out of a demon-guarded dungeon, you know.”

Amaryllis winced at the word “demon.” Virgil guessed she must have similar, bad experiences with the beast. As did most people who crossed its path.

“More like blowing a hole in the wall and letting us take care of the rest,” she muttered. “Fine. What do you want?”

“My familiar’s broken,” she said, stepping aside and gesturing to Virgil. 

“Really?” Amaryllis said, looking between Remus and Virgil skeptically. “Which one is he?”

“Don’t be smart,” Ursula snapped.

Amaryllis rolled her eyes, then fixed her gaze on Virgil. His ears flattened against his head against his will, his tail dropping to the floor. He’d grown hateful of attention.

The black-haired witch looked at Ursula and Remus. “I’m going to need you two to step outside.”

“Are you serious?”

“As the constellation.”

“Whatever,” Ursula muttered, turning on her heel and pinning Virgil with a glare. He took half a step back, watching as both she and the hobgoblin left. 

Amaryllis grabbed her book and reopened it, leaning back into her chair. “Finally,” she sighed, touching her finger to her tongue and turning a page, “She’s such a terror, isn’t she?”

Virgil shifted, unsure of what to do. Should I shift to a human? he thought. How would he talk with her otherwise? Unless, of course, she didn’t need to talk to him.

“Oh you’re quite alright the way you are, Virgil,” she said, not looking up from her book. 

Virgil stiffened. She knew his name! 

You can hear me?

The witch’s eyebrows knit together. “Of course, I can. I’m a witch.”

You’re not my witch.

“So? As long as you want me to hear you, I can. Jeez, did Ursula not teach you anything?”

Virgil shrank. Sorry.

Amaryllis’s eyes went wide. “What? No! I wasn’t mad at you, I’m angry with Ursula if nothing else.” Her voice went soft. “What has she filled your head with?”

Can we get onto the part where you fix me? Virgil asked impatiently. The sooner he was out of the spotlight, the better.

“Okay,” she said, though she looked as if she was definitely not okay with moving on. She glanced at the corner of her cottage, but there was nothing there. “What seems to be the problem?”

I can’t do magic anymore.

“What do you mean?”

Other than shifting, I can’t do magic. It just doesn’t come out. Even shifting gets hard if I’m… upset… or something.

“Do you have any idea why this is happening?”

…Yes.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

No.

Amaryllis’s eyes narrowed and Virgil’s pulse picked up. “Was it Ursula?”

No, he said, then carefully thought to just himself, though she certainly hasn’t helped. 

The witch set her book on the side table. “When was the last time you sat on someone’s lap?”

Virgil went still.

“Or let someone pet you? Any type of affection?”

...I don’t remember. 

Amaryllis patted her legs. “Would you like some?”

Virgil hesitated.

“You can say no, if you want,” she said. “Whatever you decide is fine by me.”

He padded forward slowly, fighting with himself inside. Yes, he wanted it, but at the same time his body was freaking out at being within range of her hands. Hands that could grab and tug and hit. How was this supposed to help him fix his problem?

Entirely too soon, he was at her knees and was faced with a decision. Biting back on his fear he leaped from the floor to her lap. He remained facing her as he sat down on her legs, but couldn’t bring himself to look at her, instead fixating on the arm of her chair. 

“Thank you for trusting me, Virgil. That was very brave of you.”

Virgil felt his throat grow right with emotion. He couldn’t cry as a cat—not the same as a human would, at least—but it would have been a close thing had he been in his other form. 

“Can I touch you? Feel free to say no,” she said. Virgil was shocked. She was being so gentle with him. It made sense, seeing as he was broken, but he wasn’t used to being asked permission for anything. 

Go ahead, he said, still not meeting her eyes. He tried not to jump when the tips of her fingers grazed the fur along his spine, but his body jerked anyway. 

Sorry.

“You don’t have to apologize,” she said, petting him again, this time with her full hand, scratching very softly. 

Virgil felt his eyes closing, a deep rumbling filling his chest. He greeted the purr joyfully, like a long lost friend he hadn’t seen in ages. 

Amaryllis stroked his back, his legs, his chest, even the side of his face. Virgil felt more relaxed than he had in… in a really long time, now that he thought about it. She ran her hand over the top of his head and down the back of his neck—

Every muscle in Virgil’s body tensed. He felt dizzy and suddenly weightless. Tossed through the air into a gaping, fanged maw…

Her hand left his fur immediately. “I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

He blinked, swallowing back the revulsion creeping up his throat. He shook his head. It wasn’t your fault. It was actually quite nice, he said.

She smiled softly. “Your claws are buried in my legs, Virgil. I think that’s a pretty clear sign you aren’t alright.”

He looked down and saw with mounting horror that she was right. He’d hurt her. He retracted his claws as fast as he could, scrambling back off her lap. She didn’t try to grab him, which he was a little thankful for.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, he blurted, ears pressed flat.

“I assure you, I’m fine. Look, I’m barely bleeding. It was just a scratch.”

He’d made her bleed. Oh, Ursula was going to kill him. 

We need to leave soon, he said, glancing nervously at the door. Can you help me get my magic back, or not?

Amaryllis looked at him sadly, but stood and said, “Yes, I can.” She rummaged through a few of her things before pulling out… a button? It was black and oblong, with purple swirls spiraling toward its center.

What’s that supposed to do?

“It’s a talisman—well, not yet, but I’ll make it one in a minute. It’s sort of like a link, connecting you to the magic you lost.” She lifted a finger. “Now, this doesn’t fix anything. Without it, you’ll remain as you are until you go through the much longer process of actually healing.”

But I’ll be able to do magic again?

“Yes,” she said, almost sadly. “You will do magic again.” 

The witch fixed the button to a chain, looped it around his neck and chanted sweetly, “Stitch the soul and patch the heart that power never again shall part. As long as round the neck you wear, this talisman shall your load bear.”

Virgil felt something click back into place inside of him and he couldn’t help but give a content little sigh. 

Amaryllis stood and opened the door without another word. Remus was a little ways off chucking pebbles at birds. Ursula stood from her seat on the front steps, looking between them. 

“Well?”

“He should be fine, now. Just make sure he keeps the talisman with him all the time,” Amaryllis said.

Ursula left with little thanks, Virgil trailing after her.

Virgil’s life would not get easier, but he would never forget the kind witch of the woods who reminded him what it was like to be loved.

[abrahamshipwreck]

Ever amazing ever fabulous Ryker @hustleboness tagged me for my Top 10 Niche Interests. Going to have to whittle that down to jus 10 I guess!

Uncanny Valley. Dolls, mannequins, automatons/animatronics. Puppets. I love them all. I love even Reborn dolls and realistic sex dolls for the reason that I just find them so fascinating. Movement in the motionless. The amount of detail and craftsmanship and skill and love that goes into making them. Cant get enough! ADDITIONAL -Rankin Bass studios. Started off with the stop motion films. Guess this is a bonus one but ties in to no. 1.

Clowns. Clowns are funny, all they want to do is make people laugh, make them happy. Its such a pure form of entertainment and the culture surrounding professional clowns is amazing. I wanted to be a professional clown for a long time but I dont have the physical skill for it. I eat up clowncore like curcus peanuts.

Taxidermy. I guess this goes hand in hand with the Uncanny Valley- life in the lifeless. A creature that was once alive is given new energy with the skill and care of one person. Even rogue taxidermy fascinates me. The world of taxidermy has opened up so much since the advent of the internet and once closed trade secrets are open for all to learn from.

Cryptozoology. My ultra niche is probably the canidae- Beast of Gevaudan is my bread and butter to be honest. This leaks into Ufology but not to such a strong degree. Someday I want to go to the Bigfoot Convention in Kentucky, visit famous sites of Cryptid sightings, Roswell for the UFO convention. Places I can info dump and get new perspectives from.

Conspiracy theories. Miss me with that Illuminati reptoid shit an give me Princess Diana assassinations, government cover ups, I dodge the thinly veiled Anti-Semetic shit and dig for the real good ones.

Possums. I just love these funky lil dudes,m8

Extreme Survivalism. Even as a kid (I attribute a good hunk of this to "the Hatchet" and some childrens book about a kid making his own culture around a strange plant I cant recall the name to for this) I always wanted to do the whole "throw me out into the woods and see if I die". Im too chicken for it, but the thought of full self reliance and being separated from the world has fascinated me.

Americana Gothic. From Southwest desert bars seemingly abandoned by time to folkish beliefs of the hollers of Appalachia, this is an aesthetic I hold dear. No idea why.

Bonnebell Chapsticks (Lipsmackers). Still hands down the best flavors and I still hate that they frequently retire old flavors to repackage as Disney TsumTsum or some bullshit. Been collecting on and off since I was a wee lil kid and is still an addiction of mine.

90s Childhood Nostalgia/SFW Age Regression. Perhaps its because of some mental illness but I love collecting things I recall from childhood and getting use from them. Old Aladdin thermoses, backpacks of 90s Disney cartoons, Garfield school supplies, even things meant for very young children. Does this count as Age Regression? No idea, but it brings me great comfort to feel and use. Even things meant for children for myself and probably is a big reason I am afraid to gain weight because many of these things have small weight limits/sizes. This is the only thing I was hesitant to list given how toxic the community can be. Watch as I lose a ton of followers. But there you have it.

I have plenty more but these I feel fit more in the "weird niche" catagory than things like Horror or Musical Instruments or werewolves. We aint here to list the obvious.

I tag whoever wants to do it. Too scared to tag people bc of no 10 LOL

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

What do Timothy Leary and Couples Therapy Have in Common?

Remember the old saying “Turn on, tune in and drop out” by the Harvard Psychology Professor and counterculture figure Timothy Leary? It may have been a prescription for hippies in the 60’s, but there’s a deeper message behind it and one that’s actually applicable to mending relationships.

Hear me out on this. With the recent resurgence in psychedelic therapy, perhaps it’s prudent to revisit the underlying meaning for the movement derived from one of the original psychonauts. Here is Mr. Leary’s explanation of the famous phrase:

“Turn on” meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers engaging them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. “Tune in” meant to interact harmoniously with the world around you—externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. “Drop out” suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. “Drop out” meant self-reliance, a discovery of one’s singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change.”

Now hold that thought, and we’ll come back to it later.

As a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with couples, too often I see partners come in with resentment that they’ve held on to for a very long time. Resentment can occur when our partner starts to lose interest in “us.” When that happens, the resulting feelings may be rejection or anger at the one we love. As time passes and not much changes, the feelings of fear and loneliness may start to creep in.

Another reason you may feel resentment towards your partner is because they have done something intentionally or unintentionally in the past and no matter how many times you explain why you are upset, they just don’t seem to get it. Until you feel like they really understand how you feel, you just can’t let it go. After all, there is a certain injustice to a crime in which the culprit lacks any kind of remorse. And yet at its worst, resentment can be compounded when we replay the record of that past event in our mind and we destructively dance to the same feeling it evokes in us to stir it all up again. Perhaps initiating a repair is one of the most difficult things we do because, in a way, we have to lower ourselves.

So then humility is the answer? Well, sacrifice in marriage and selfless actions have been able to predict marital satisfaction over a long period of time. Even if being the first one to give in and break the silence isn’t easy, studies show that when you lead with humility, your partner feels less vulnerable and more themselves. Resentment, like many other challenges in relationships, can be overcome with authenticity. That means knowing where you come from, what you want and why you want it. By learning more about yourself and how you function, you may begin the journey back to your partner.

My guess is you’ve heard the saying “Marriage takes work”.  I’d like to add to that and say that love is a skill that we all need to learn. Those skills we use to learn about ourselves, inevitably bring us closer to our partner. And this is where 60’s counterculture comes in. Let’s use the elements of the before mentioned famous phrase and apply it to resentment to examine the skills.

Turn On

So much of relationship discord comes down to stress management. How we regulate our arousal when our partner pulls away or comes too close is where the rubber meets the road. That means knowing your window of tolerance or the area where you are able to regulate your emotions in order to have a productive conversation. When we become more aware of our nervous system by recognizing what triggers us, we can catch ourselves before the brain goes into a fight, flight or freeze response. Many of those triggers originated in the home we grew up in. Quite often we replay the dynamics from our childhood in our current romantic relationships. But fortunately, good couples therapy incorporates neurobiology to help partners not only self-regulate but also recognize the first signs of stress in their partner in order to co-regulate together.

Tune in

In a relationship, each person needs to become a specialist in knowing their partner. Imagine emotional attunement in one direction and identifying and disclosing thoughts and emotions in the other. More specifically, continual verbalization of our emotional experience coupled with our unique perspectives and beliefs allows us to view into the window of who we are, otherwise known as our inner world. The more we express our hopes, desires, expectations and concerns, the more we can appreciate the differences in each other, rather than be threatened by them. When we practice this we often find that the thoughts in our head turn out to be quite different than what’s really going on once we check them out with our partner. Opening up and being vulnerable to your partner about your fears is where authenticity can be embraced and intimacy increased. We bond with each other over the common experience of the human condition. While at the same time each person has their own subjective reality which is always changing. So the more we talk about our beliefs the more our partner can have the ability to understand our perspective. And in turn, the more empathy they’ll be able to give.

Drop out

Whether it’s holding on to past transgressions or future expectations, not letting go goes directly against the law of nature. In addition, it takes us away from being in the present moment; combine those two things and you’ve got one toxic cocktail! At times it can be helpful to remember that most attachment is about control, and control after all, is just an illusion. Ultimately, love is about acceptance, including accepting that our partner will never really understand us 100% because they are not us. More importantly, love is about acceptance of our partner for who they are, just a wonderfully flawed human like the rest of us. There is a saying that “learning to live is learning to let go”. I think this goes to show not only just how difficult a task it is but also how rewarding the pursuit can be.

One of my favorite adages is that change is the only constant in life. In the context of relationships it often feels like changes can shake our sense of stability. In couples therapy many times I focus on differentiation by helping partners to embrace the differences between each other and manage any emotional responses that may come up. So when they are in the middle of an emotionally charged conflict they can still maintain their sense of self, objectivity, and reason. And better yet, they can be emotionally present and available to the one they love most. It’s choosing us vs me. Letting go of resentment is a decision that supports your team and that’s one of the core foundations of long-term marital satisfaction and trust.

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[magical-agatha]

venting. dont reblog. some tmi.

being compared to men just because i have a dick is extremely upsetting and frustrating. i am a woman. there is nothing about me that is comparable to a man. i am a woman, hence my genitalia are 'female'. i do not have male genitalia. biological sex is a myth reinforced by a toxic patriarchal society.

in a conversation about trans women being forced into behaviour that puts their health and even their life at risk, why would you compare us to men? it has nothing to do with men. being expected and forced to tuck is transmisogyny. why bring up men. why compare me to a man unless you hold the underlying belief that i am male or that my genitalia are male.

genitalia simply are, with no inherent values besides those that are purely physical. a penis is not male nor is a vagina female. they simple exist. ppl enforce the idea of biological sex as a way to have power over others. it is a construct. fiction. plenty of ppl have already debunked this myth, it persists because of ignorance and bc ppl use it to hurt and control others.

instead of saying 'trans women shouldnt have to tuck bc cis men dont have to tuck', which is a comparison that i feel is rooted in outdated notions of biological sex, instead either say 'cis women dont have to tuck, so neither should trans women' (which focuses on the transmisogyny), or say 'no person should be expected or forced to bind or tuck or do anything to their body which risks their health in order to survive in society'. the latter form is wordier but abandons the focus on sex and gender altogether and is more inclusive for it. you could also say 'no woman should be expected or forced to risk their health to survive in society' which highlights that like, all women are disproportionately more expected to do drastic and risky things to their bodies to survive in a capitalist patriarchal society, but it also neglects that this is like.. a problem that everyone faces in some degree, regardless of gender, and also in patricular erases closeted ppl who are afab.

im turning this issue over in my head as i type. and its like. kind of nitpicky to say this stuff i guess. but i just rly hate being compared to men. and it doesnt make sense anyway. im not a man and i never was one. if you compare me then compare me to other women. or else dont make a comparison and drop the reliance on gender or sex. make it inclusive. if cis women dont have to tuck why do trans women? if cis men dont have to bind why do trans men? why are people expected or forced to change their bodies and risk their health or life just to survive. trans ppl are made to tuck or bind. and everyone is manipulated by 'beauty standards' in media to the point that body image and related self esteem issues are very commonplace. and for trans ppl its a very different, much more common and more lethal problem. but everyone is at risk. everyone who is exposed to modern media is being affected in some way by this. words.

this is a big rambly vent. i wont ever tuck. i tried it a few times and it Hurt. no one should have to hurt themselves for survival. particularly trans ppl. cuz we're expected more. its hardest for us. for a lot of trans ppl its a choice between trying to pass (passing is safety at the cost of self harm) and risking not passing (by not tucking/binding and risking not passing, for some of us that means a greater chance of violence. of being killed or beaten.)

its yet another unfair double standard. a bullshit choice. i cant tuck but im lucky that so far it hasnt been a problem. i just have to hope my luck holds. cuz if i tuck im hurting myself and risking my life too. so i just have to hope that i never need to tuck. being fat and wearing only dresses/skirts helps a lot at least... i guess im lucky that i like wearing dresses and skirts and that pants make me dysphoric. and that even tho i have a big dick i dont have much of a bulge and rarely have to deal with unexpected boners. bluh..

dont reblog

[papirouge]

I think people with religious trauma do have a right to speak and bring up issues with religion that contributes to the oppression of woman, hatred of homosexuality, suppression of skepticism, perpetuation of concepts that harm one's relationship with themselves as a whole, etc. Religion does harm, we should talk about it, no matter how much we'd rather gloss-over and cherry pick.

I have yet to see where in my post did I ever argue that people shouldn't talk about the issue they faced in religious group. Read my post again: I'm talking about being authoritative about religion.

Ex Christians pretending to have a better knowledge about religion because they left it are a scam. When digging further into what made them leave the Church, it always boils down to individuals being rude to them or bad theology ("I realized Christianism hate women" while not a single verse in the Bible argues that women are inherently inferior to men). I personally met a bunch of awful Christians (who indeed were homophobe, misogynist or racist) but guess what? none of that was enough to change my mind about my faith because relies on JESUS, not people. That's why we're called CHRISTians.

You must be new here because I regularly expose Christian LARPers harming the message of Christ through their behavior (crazy gun trotting foul mouthed conservative American evangelicals, so called Christians throwing the n word/faggot" for fun, Catholic fanatics eager to make crusades back & kill Muslims, etc.). I've never been one to gloss over anything.

Such behavior are the results of toxicity personality, not Christians. I'm actual sure barely 15% of people pretending to be Christian on the internet actually are. They just like the culture, and think going to church replaced an actual relationship with God - but I digress.

I have a tag on my Christian side blog dedicated to debunk the common fallacies of unbelievers/ex Christians about Christianism. I also have another one to debunk the myths of Christianism being misogynist.

Remember anon: the actions of people don't assume the actual content of the Bible.

The apostles didn't stop believing in Jesus because of Judas.

All the toxicity you elaborated in your post doesn't magically materializes only by reading the Bible. Ill intended PEOPLE were manoeuvring to make those (now ex) Christians feeling this way. That's one of the reason I'm wary of this obsession of some Christians to push every believer to go to church. Some church goers/assemblies are fricking toxic, and many Christians would do much better by solely relying on Christ and walk their walk independently. As Christian we don't need nobody else but Christ - not a church building. And I'll never trust anyone trying to argue otherwise. More self reliance in our walk with Christ would avoid many case of spiritual abuse.

[nightstill-blog]

oh, how a childhood fear can still linger after so many years. folding laundry, washing the dishes—even driving to work. the tiniest thought could trigger a hellish daydream that could last for days. weeks. maybe even a month if the thought holds enough negative impact to scar one’s emotions. and even so, you’re still expected to proceed with your daily routine as if everything’s alright.

“i never knew i’d meet eyes with satan himself again. look at you, how is life treating you?”

dooyoung is fueling with confidence, threatening without a second thought. fourteen years is quite a long time to think about what to spit back into the face of the man before him. dooyoung is currently fighting a grin. you’d expect dooyoung to react the complete opposite of how he’s presenting himself right in this moment, but to be truthful, his adrenaline is skyrocketing. despite it, his heart rate is practically going a million miles per hour. it’s a feeling he can’t necessarily describe even with all of the vocabulary possessed by the world.

the man doesn’t bat an eye. dooyoung can only guess he’s either enduring guilt or he doesn’t give a damn. it could be the latter. “you know… mom’s dead. did you know that after all? even after all of these years, do you even give even the slightest shit about the woman you loved, supposedly?” he pauses before narrowing his eyes, “maybe not, i forgot about all of those nasty whores you slept with. they gave into your bullshit. do you feel good about all that? huh? why aren’t you talking?” of course, this is far from what dooyoung would approach this subject. it’s the anger about his mother’s death resurfacing after so many years. why does it feel like her death only happened yesterday?

the moments of silence motivates dooyoung to harshly grasp the man by the throat, dragging them both down to the ground. the impact is strong; the man’s evidently choking, attempting to gasp for air. “why the fuck aren’t you talking?” dooyoung doesn’t waste any time conveying his intense emotions, “do you feel good right now? are you… comfortable? because to be quite honest, i haven’t been comfortable my entire fucking life. you tainted my heart in so many ways, i’ve lost count.”

a tear races down dooyoung’s cheek before it ends up falling on the man’s face.“…i don’t even want to acknowledge you as my father. i’m surprised you haven’t been rotting in hell yet, is god really giving you more chances than what you deserve? is that it, huh? are you tainting more lives by the day?”

the man is provoked beyond belief—without a word, dooyoung impales his father with the pocket knife kept in his right pocket. slowly, slowly, slowly. he can tell that the knife is working its magic as the man gasps as an initial reaction. it’s not long before he’s coughing up droplets of blood, soon turning into trails. “you lost your chance to speak up, but honestly, i’d rather not hear you speak. i did all of the listening before. you know, all of those words that annihilated my self esteem.” the grin he was fighting earlier—it’s now presenting itself very well.

“are you comfortable now?”

instantly, dooyoung pulls himself up out of the deepest sleep he’s had in ages. he’s gasping for air as the fear really impacted him, practically clinging to his bedsheets as a coping mechanism in the moment. his limbs—numb. dooyoung’s mind is completely flooded with both confusion and… passion, you could say. he could only wish that the nightmare was real, but at the same time, it’s better not to confront his ultimate fear. even after fourteen years, dooyoung is convinced that his life will remain as a lingering nightmare for the rest of his days. there’s no escape.

reliance is the epitome of the devil. relying on the bitter taste of vodka burning the enclosure of his throat, liquid confidence in a bottle just waiting to be finished. nothing mixed with it, the liquor would remain how it is. dooyoung would rather strike harder than the pain that’s deliberately gashing the valves of his forsaken heart. not only that, but relying on the bittersweet touch of another human body pressed against his own, intimacy becoming a comforting feeling under the sheets in pitch darkness. dooyoung would know their name to say at the least, so perhaps they’re an acquaintance. considering them a stranger would be a stretch but of course, it’s all the vodka fueling the thrill.

in the back of dooyoung’s head, he’s fully aware of the consequences. despite the adrenaline, despite the intoxication, despite the dying need to feel touched. reckless, idiotic. so unlike him. dooyoung knows that when he wakes up the next morning with an empty side on the bed, his heart will shatter into a countless amount of pieces. he’ll realize that this feeling of adequacy is only a momentary abstraction. nothing is meant to last. the other person utilizing him to fulfill their own desires? not that he needed another reason to vomit, but it definitely worsens the pain in his stomach. dooyoung would, once again, break down his security to someone meaningless. a toxic lifestyle dooyoung lives, but he’d rather live a moment of gratification than not at all.

rinse and repeat.

[howtoplagiarizeanessaywithout471]

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How To Outsmart Your Boss On Go Kart

There is a substantial range of things you can clean with a pressure washer hose from paths and driveways to car engines and under bodies, to kids toys to roofings and rain gutters.™Don't forget to add the correct soap or detergent for the task

With the majority of pressure washers, there's a reservoir and a choice of nozzles for spraying soapy options. Many things you'll clean up can benefit with a small amount of included cleaner which makes the job a bit easier.

Generally a soapy type option is sprayed on then left to soak for a couple of minutes before being rinsed

Start by utilizing the Slow or Larger Nozzles

Your pressure washer tube will include a choice of nozzles for different pressures or you might have simply one adjustable nozzle. Start cleansing with the highest setting as this will not damage the item you're cleaning up. If you discover it's not too reliable the move to a smaller sized nozzle or adjust your nozzle unlit it cleans up properly by doing this you'll not damage the surface area

• Outdoor furnishings

The majority of outdoor furniture is suitable for being cleaned Hop over to this website with a pressure washer, such as aluminum, wood, plastic and walking stick. Always begin in an unnoticeable place to ensure you don't remove the paint or special protective layers.

A lot of outdoor upholstery is developed to be pressure washed, but don't hold the nozzle too close. After washing embeded in the sun to dry

• Concrete

All concrete surface areas can be cleaned using a pressure washer hose pipe, if there are oil or grease spots pretreat them with a degreaser, then tidy them utilizing an ideal detergent and nozzle. Attempt and use an even sweeping movement to prevent getting a spotted result

• Woodwork

Take care with wood work not to damage the surface area by keeping a good working distance. For walls, fences start at the top and work down

As there are a few pulps like seats and tires on bikes, it's a good concept to begin with a broad nozzle setting and clean the whole bike or toy and after that review the tough parts with a finer nozzle if needed

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Using a pressure washer is various than a regular pipe due to the fact that of the high pressure of the water and the potential to trigger severe harm to skin and eyes, not just from the water jet but from items removed by it.

Using a pressure washer pipe needs factor to consider to the surface area to be cleaned and having the appropriate nozzle size or setting to prevent any damage while using or accident.

I would guess for every moms and dad, children are true blessings and a source of happiness. The method you treat your child can affect directly the general quality of his or her life. While there are plenty of things that you can do for your kid to make sure happiness, there is an enjoyable item possibly you have not thought of, and that is a flight on toy car.

Giving your child a ride on automobile is definitely an excellent way to provide your kid a feeling of self-reliance. Let's face it, children and toys go together. These toys are not just a great deal of fun, however they can elevate your kid to find out and develop some driving skills and sensory-motor skills. Driving is a fascinating experience that even kids can accomplish.

I just think how incredible it was when I first took driving lessons at 15. "Wow, I'm actually driving!" That was such a great feeling, I'll admit. So if you're interested in buying a brand-new ride-on car for your kid, the kind of automobile you pick could add a little enjoyment to your child.

Children are lively, specifically for those under the age of 10. As a moms and dad, you will not be able to trust your kid's driving abilities until you're alongside them, instructing them, monitoring them. Battery-powered, electrical automobiles with adult push-button control, therefore, can be a special gift to them.

Functions of an Electric Ride on Car with Parental Remote Control

Adult remote-controlled vehicles let moms and dads teach their kid's independence while preserving their safety. They help parents to be in control of the cars and truck using the portable device in controlling the cars and truck as your kid operates the steering and foot pedal. The latest cars include distinct functions such as an operating safety belt, LED lights, MP3 and MP4 gamers, and horns for extra luxury.

A good trip on vehicle likewise features LED front lights, essential ignition sounds, and mirrors to make it lively and vibrant; but a vehicle is at its finest when it comes to forward and reverse gear. This implies that your kid can drive backwards or forwards when he seems like it. It must have rechargeable batteries (plus battery charger included) that runs up to one and a half hours.

What else should this flight on lorry feature? The braking system. It should be simple to operate; that is, releasing the pedal can stop the automobile immediately. The parental push-button control also has a STOP feature for the parent for assurance.

Advantages of parental push-button controls ride on car toys Electric/battery-operated kids's flight on cars is rather helpful. These cars can be kids's source of pleasure and happiness. They supply a remarkable chance for kids to acquaint themselves with the art of driving while developing psychomotor skills. Here are a few of the values that these vehicle toys will offer:

Parental remote control cars are a foolproof way to keep children delighted about a toy. Their advantages are unlimited and not restricted to fun alone.