#toxic dating culture

[positively--speculative]

It's funny whenever I see and/or hear cishet men cry, "women and men *need* each other," because it reeks of the desperation that they were brought up to believe women were supposed to have at my age. I'm supposed to be sad that I'm single without kids. I'm supposed to be ashamed. Instead, I'm like, "Eh, being in a relationship would probably be nice if I met the right person, but I'm good." Women like me are not acting the way they were told we were going to act, so now they're trying to convince us that we *need* them lol.

Also, how do I *need* men? I know how to take care of myself. I have a pretty good job that I enjoy. I love my dog to pieces. And since I've incorporated weights into my workouts, heavier items have been easier to lift. I have hobbies that bring me joy. I have family. I have friends. What exactly do I need cishet men for?

To add, I'm bi lol. And aside from the men who like to fetishize that, a lot of cishet dudes seem to have a deep resentment towards that part of me...and I cannot help but believe that for some, it's the idea that a woman just might be able to satisfy me in a way they might not be able to, which is likely a knock to their egos.

Like, the more I hear from other single women, the more it becomes clear that women don't actually need men to live whole lives. Cishet men, however, were not brought up to take care of themselves and are not exactly encouraged to learn. They cannot open up to their male friends or their fathers who were likely raised the same way. Seeking help from other sources is seen as "feminine." And that's...bad. Part of me does feel sympathy, because it sounds like a horrible way to live...but my sympathy only goes so far...because a number of these dudes are doing their best to make their loneliness and incompetence everyone else's problem.

TERFs, don't touch. I hate you.

[limerence-leftovers]

I know two men who are currently single. One is 26, and the other is 38.

I’ve spoken with both of them at length about what they want in a woman, seeing as they’re cishet and white.

They both immediately went for physical attributes. Thin, but needs to have a nice butt. Boobs can’t be too big. One likes short hair, the other likes long hair. They also went into facial features for some reason. That was the part that made me really uncomfortable as I hadn’t expected either of them to have been that focused on appearances.

Aesthetics came next. Both want ‘alt goth / witchy’ women. It should be worth noting both of these men said their potential partner can’t wear too much makeup.

Lastly came personality and interests. They both said this is the most important thing to them, but they also ‘have to be pretty’. Oh, and they need to listen.

I have some single ladies I’ve also spoken with.

It’s the opposite. They rarely care about looks. It’s about chemistry, emotional connection, feeling safe, and sharing common goals / ideals.

While I know it’s not ‘all men’ it sure as fuck is a lot of you. Also both of these men think they’re part of the ‘good cishet white liberal men’ who voted for Kamala, despite one of them not voting at all.

He’s the 38 year old. To make things worse, he’s trying to date a 24 year old. 🤷‍♀️ His criteria for a potential partner was also under the age of 30 because it means less baggage and they’re still ‘fun to be around’.

You don’t want to know what he doesn’t bring to the table. Either of them, rather. 😅

We do have a male loneliness epidemic, but it’s not women’s fault. We don’t owe you anything. We’re not vending machines you put tokens into and get sex out of. Male culture made by men and perpetuated by men has made men this way. And it’s your job as men to fix it, not point the finger at us and say it’s our fault for not wanting to be with you. Some of us like myself want to actually HELP you, but you guys rarely want to listen. You instead want to complain to us about our gender and how unfair we’re being by not giving you a chance.

We don’t owe you anything.

On January 20th, 2025 and forward, they’re going to try to take our rights. They may succeed.

Men have to take from us because they’ve gaslit themselves into seeing us as the enemy, despite having driven us away by their own actions centered around self interest.

“It’s not all men. But it sure is a lot of you.”

[tiktok-singularity]

Watch this tik tok!

Some people want a companionship, and don’t want to give in any hard work.

A relationship means you’re being transparent, honest, vulnerable, interested in self improvement that’s beneficial for you and your loved ones, not just for your partner.

[eva-knits12]

Romantic Bath

Trigger warning: workplace bullying, angst, fluff galore, cuddles galore, exhaustion, romantic vacation, Andy Barber

Summary: You've had a day and Andy makes it better

The smooth jazz you put on your phone is playing. You have a glass of wine in hand, and you've already gathered everything you need. Your panties, your pajamas, your socks, your slippers.

You had a very long day at the doctor's office. It was backed up, which wasn't your fault. Yet, every patient was screaming at you, yelling at you, even calling you names, and belittling you over something that was beyond your control. You were working the front desk, having to take people back, check them out. It was cold and flu season, so that meant that right now, someone was always out. It actually wasn't your fault. You got your flu shot, the doctor got his flu shot, so did the nursing staff. That didn't stop people from getting sick.

Plus, the temps that were hired, thanks to your two co-workers that were out on maternity leave, just sat there, playing on their phones, doing NOTHING. But, they even managed to criticize your job and your work ethic when they were sitting on their ass doing nothing but playing Candy Crush. The doctor was getting pissed. You were having to do everything. You were exhausted, and it wasn't even noon!

You needed Andy. You needed him now. This has been going on for quite some time. If something wasn't done to improve this situation, you were going to snap. You even managed to document everything. You knew this would come in handy.

When you got home, you curled up on the bed that you and Andy shared. You just started crying, letting your tears flow.

You've been crying at the doctor's office. You need to find somewhere to escape to and just cry. You don't feel any better.

You finally get up and go into the bathroom, and you get the bath ready. You don't hear Andy come home.

"Sweetheart, I'm home," says Andy.

"Sweetheart? Sweetheart?" says Andy.

He finally finds you in the bathroom, and you've gotten in the tub.

"Is everything okay?" asks Andy.

'Oh, Andy. Just join me," you say.

"Okay," says Andy, who's strips down to nothing and gets behind you.

You and Andy just relax and soak, and to be honest, it's feels so comforting. The soothing jazz still playing in the background, you start to nod off. Andy and you get out, and Andy dries you off, and helps you get into you pajamas. Andy dries off himself, and he gets into his sleep pants, and long-sleeved T-shirt.

Andy picks you up, bridal style, and carries you back to the bed. He puts the covers over you, and sees that you've passed out from exhaustion. Andy cuddles you for a while, putting you into an even deeper sleep.

Andy fixes dinner, which is a frozen pizza. Andy wakes you up when it's ready, and it's your favorite, a nice Hawaiian pizza that you were going to make when Andy went to his friend's bachelor party for his upcoming wedding. His friend's bachelor party was tonight, and they were going to a local sports bar to celebrate it tonight. Instead, Andy gave it up to spend the night with you.

(If you've never had Hawaiian pizza, it's actually really good. Don't write it off. I know it's not very popular.)

"Andy, you didn't have to do this," you say.

"Shh, I want to sweetheart. Listen, please talk. Please tell me what's going on, I hate seeing you come home upset every day," says Andy.

You tell Andy everything. He's getting more and more upset, and you pull out the journal of the things said at the office, the documentation of all the dates, and times, all the texts, all the e-mails, etc.

You start crying again, and the tears just don't stop. Andy has his arms wrapped around you. He's gently rocking you, and you're crying even harder than you have in you're entire life. You've never cried this hard. Not even when you're abusive ex did horrible things, hit you, even called you names, you never cried that hard.

Andy is getting more and more pissed off. His lawyer training kicks in, and he quickly realizes that you're now in what's considered a toxic work environment and you're being bullied in the work place.

"Sweetheart, I hate that you're going through this! Tomorrow, I'm having a talk with your boss. It's non-negotiable. If I have to take his ass to court, then that's what I'm going to have to do," says Andy, who's given up going to the bachelor party so he can spend time with you. His buddy from college is a doctor, and Andy knew a therapist who specializes in this. Being a lawyer, and after what happened to his ex-wife and son, Andy sought therapy. At Andy's next appointment, he would ask his therapist for a recommendation for one for you.

He knew that a lawsuit on your behalf just needed to happen. Andy was writing down everything, and going through your documentation, texts, e-mails, and voicemails. He's writing everything in his laptop, and will have his assistant print everything in the morning. He was going to pay a visit with your boss tomorrow, and try to avoid a lawsuit if he had to.

Andy told you to have your notice already written, and you would wait until the morning to do that. You wanted to really think about what you wanted to write, and you were glad you did. The next morning, you had your notice in hand, and that it was effective immediately.

Andy and you tried to watch a movie, but you fell asleep just when the movie began. Instead, Andy carried you back to the bed, bridal style, and put you in it, covering you. Instead, Andy read his book until he fell asleep.

Andy had his work cut out for him. He knew that he needed to support you in this, he knew that he needed help you find yourself again. He also knew that there needed to be accountability.

The next morning arrives, and you've already had your notice written. You're teeth are brushed, and you've already eaten a piece of toast that was dry. Your stomach was in knots.

"Shh, it's going to be okay, sweetheart. I'm going to make this better. I'm also going to make sure that nobody else goes through this," says Andy.

Your phone rings, and it's the doctor screaming at you for not being to work yet. You have it on speaker, and Andy is recording this in record time. Good! This is just what Andy needs right now.

"Get in the car!" We're going right there now!" says Andy, who's now even more pissed off than you. You decide to drive, seeing how pissed off Andy is.

You're more nervous than you're letting on. Andy's right-this needs to happen.

Andy asks for the doctor. The staff just sits there, until Andy says he's here to talk. The staff eventually let's Andy in, with you in tow.

"Look, I have all of this documentation. You've done nothing but create a toxic work environment, and have bullied my client," says the lawyer that Andy hired personally to represent you.

The doctor is trying to defend this, but Andy isn't having this, and he isn't budging. The doctor calls his lawyer, which means that Andy has to now talk to the docs lawyer. You're sitting there, Andy holding your hand, telling you it's going to be okay. He's not wiling to let this asshole get away with treating his staff like this. He's not going to let the girls up front get away with their crap. Andy has a talk, and will sue if the doctor doesn't get rid of these two.

The docs lawyer comes, and says that the work environment is safe, that it functions, that this is how it is. Andy isn't buying it. Andy stops this. Andy finally decides he's heard enough. You hand in your notice a few weeks after this. Things never improved after this, they just got worse.

You've never felt freer, and when you get back home. It just hits you. You start to cry in Andy's shoulder, and it doesn't stop.

You spend the rest of your time catching up on the household chores, resting, and relaxing. You sleep as much as you can, since you're exhausted on so many levels.

Andy made reservations at the restaurant where you had you're first date. You have a nice dress, and nice shoes. You need this.

You both come home, and take a nice, romantic bath together, complete with wine, candles, scented bubble bath, dimmed lights, the works. You and Andy just cuddle in bed after that, falling asleep on his chest.

Andy and you even spend more time together, he even takes you on a nice, weekend getaway. You've been needing some couple time lately, and with you temporarily out of work right now, it's the right time. Andy even calls you at home, during his lunch hour, just to talk and see how your day is going so far.

Your weekend getaway was much needed. You had a nice, beach house that Andy's doctor friend let him borrow for the weekend. Plus, when Andy's doctor friend got back from his honeymoon, you would start working for him. Right now, the doctor was working, planning his wedding, and getting all the last minute details done before the big day came.

The weekend getaway involved you and Andy watching the sunrise and the sunset, making love, and just reading and talking, and you were also knitting. You guys just spent the time without any devices, TV, or anything to distract you.

Plus, Andy was due for a much needed vacation, and this was perfect. It was all about the both of you, and spending some much needed time being a couple again. You and Andy fall in love even more. A year after this, Andy pops the big question. You also get pregnant with Joy, and have your honeymoon in the same place.

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

thinkinggg about. race in adventure time

[alittleemo]

I love having crazy beef with my former collegiate sport team I quit like I see one post and immediately say words I should be put down for.

[rotisseries]

NARINES 4EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if there were two guys that not only hated each other viscerally on a personal level but also everything they individually stood for and they tried to kill each other and there's no universe where they both make it and they have a hundred differences and a thousand similarities and they both die for drako and this started as a joke but why does narines lowkey go hard

narines will be an absolutely banger #Problematique rarepair when you're famous

[cat-eye-nebula]

Toxic pop culture rewards sexual behaviour in women and punishes discreet women. This conditions men to look for women that they can't have a healthy stable relationship with. Pop Culture conditiones boys & men to ignore modest women because she is not openly sexual enough (hook up culture). Young women get conditioned to follow what pop culture rewards with attention and "likes". The young generation is over sexualized through social media & porn that they don't know what a true connection looks like and it leads to short-term mating strategies (hook ups). (Full video)

[chussyracing]

I think last year charles got a lot of fans that are really young, mostly from edits on tik tok. I assume they're super young for the way they speak and I think this fans in particular are focused on his personal and dating life and they seem to get angry when he dates someone idk and a lot of times they end up hating on the girls he might be dating.

all my knowledge of tiktok and its culture comes from my sister so i cannot generalize but yeah she definitely falls into a category of people who don't care about him at all and rather reduce him to those like "sexy edits"

[cherubxkisses]

starting to enjoy being alone more. i don’t need to be in a relationship to dress up and do my makeup and go out someplace fun. went to the movies alone for the first time ever last night and it was a wonderful time. bought myself hot chocolate and a book after because i deserve nice things ☕️📔🎶🎞🫀

[gromlyn]

as someone who went to a private christian high school this perfectly describes multiple kids I went to school with all I'm saying is private christian high school is the perfect modern au setting if you're looking for a setting that captures systemic abuses of power like westeros

i am pretty anti asoiaf modern aus bc they seem to exist to remove any problematic content. this is why my modern au where larys is a school shooter and alicent is a pro life bible thumper is way better and different. plus american high schools love to reward homophobic and misogynistic repressed hot guy cops so it’s an au where criston always comes out on top

[guavagyal]

I'm allowed to say this as an American (ha!) bisexual woman, but I don't want to date Americans anymore. I want to date someone who is culturally similar, which is Caribbean.

the vibes dating Americans now is that they're:

so transactional (what you can do for them)

individualistic

narcissistic

self-hating

cold

boring

unfunny

always wanting to humble you

very tense

afraid of your shadows

rude as shit

don't want to embrace your feelings towards a person

playing games with someone's heart

hide your emotions

and be super nonchalant

and can't forget archaic views of sex (esp body counts), sexuality, gender, and race. it's more damning when I dated American lesbian or bisexual woman or people of color, but I guess that's because I live in the Southern United States.

in short, I just want to be loved. I want to have a deep connection with another person. most people I know are getting into relationships, engaged, or married. I just want that for myself. I'm fine with being alone for now, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want romance.

[styrofauxm]

To be clear (based on some of the notes I was scrolling through this needs clarification), we don't mean YOU are bad for feeling and expressing your romantic/sexual attraction. We don't mean that expressing romantic/sexual attraction is bad, even in the most extreme way.

What we mean is that some "allies" refuse to actually engage with what we are saying, and take it as a personal attack.

Support drops off at each of these levels: romantic attraction is not universal, wanting a life partner is not universal, interest in any kind of love is not universal, experiencing any kind of love is not universal.

They support us until we ask them to grapple with how they view the world, how they interact with others, how they live their lives.

I think an excellent example of this is the response to some of us saying that love is irrelevant to us.

Instead of being "oh cool, I'll be sure not to imply that love is as important to you as it is to me in the future," many people who claim to support aromantic people start spouting ableist rhetoric, insisting that actually we do care about love as much as them, telling us that we do actually feel love, etc..

Yes, it is uncomfortable to be wrong, especially when being wrong causes harm, and especially when you are wrong about deeply ingrained beliefs.

It is easier to say "I'm not wrong about this, I clearly know these strangers better than they know themselves."

But allyship means doing the work, even when it is uncomfortable.

No offense but a lot of you guys are fully supportive of ace people and aro people until one of us makes you feel a little bad about how the world literally revolves around sex and romance.

[cupidlovesastro]

⋆✴︎˚｡𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒑𝒍𝒖𝒕𝒐⊹ ࣪ ˖

a lot of people believe that pluto is all bad, which it is a harder planet to deal with, but it can represent positive things

🪬other post you may enjoy🧿

scorpio + pluto observations

dark astrology observations #2

lilith observations

pluto encourages growth and changes, it’s usually uncomfortable because we’re in our comfort zone

ex: pluto in 2h can show that you need to change your work ethic, pluto in 7h can show that you need to change the kind of people you date

where you have pluto, can be where others get their karma from hurting you

ex: pluto in 10h can mean that person will publicly get their karma, pluto in 5h can mean they will become less happy

pluto can also be your karma, but karma is good. karma holds us accountable for our wrong doings

ex: pluto in 11h can mean you will get karma from online, 6h pluto can mean your karma can affect your productivity

pluto shows where we are poweful

ex: 2h pluto can mean you tend to have jobs where you have some form of power, pluto in 3h can mean you have a powerful voice

pluto can reveal where people are magnetized by us

ex: 1h pluto, people are drawn in by your looks, 9h pluto, people are drawn in by your beliefs or culture

pluto shows us what harmful cycles we may be in. you should want to know what cycles your in, so you can break them

ex: 5h pluto, toxic relationships, constantly breaking up and getting back together, 8h pluto can mean that you are having too much unsafe sex, or not giving yourself to the right people

pluto can show your sexual side

ex: pluto in 6th house can mean you enjoy being the one who does everything for your partner, 1h pluto can mean you openly express your sensual side

pluto can represent where we are connected to occult things

ex: pluto in 12h can mean you are subconsciously connected or connected to the afterlife, 5th house can show that your into romantic tarot readings, romantic astrology observations, etc

[majikkulu]

━━ ❝ masterlist ❞

these are my personal observations and may not resonate with everyone. please take them with a grain of salt, as i'm not a professional astrologer! :))

♱ libra placements often go to two extremes: they can either be super relaxed and a bit lazy, or they become total neat freaks. there's rarely an in-between.

♱ aquarius placements always have something fun, interesting, or totally unexpected to say. they’re known for coming up with the most random and bizarre ideas. their minds naturally think outside the box, and they love surprising people with their unique takes on things. whether it’s weird or thought-provoking.

♱ aquarius moons in the 12th house often struggle with expressing their true feelings. they tend to hide their emotions, making it hard for others to know what they’re going through. this placement creates a strong inner world, where they keep their emotions buried and prefer to process them privately, leading to emotional isolation. it's difficult for them to open up and share with others.

♱ moon conjunct neptune can lead to a lot of confusion around emotions. these individuals may overthink their feelings, taking time to fully process them. they’re highly sensitive and can get upset easily, as they deeply absorb the energy around them. their emotions can feel overwhelming, making them very intuitive but also prone to emotional overload.

♱ people with chiron in the 11th house often feel like they never quite fit into society. they tend to be different from others, which makes it hard for them to feel a sense of belonging. this can also lead them to attract people who are different from themselves. they may struggle with trusting others and forming new friendships, often experiencing toxic relationships. at some point in their life, they’ve likely felt rejected or betrayed by friends, leaving deep emotional wounds tied to their sense of community and belonging.

♱ capricorn venus may have been hurt in the past, which makes them reserved and cautious when it comes to love. they don’t open up easily and tend to guard their heart. but once they commit, they love deeply and are incredibly loyal. they’ll go above and beyond for the person they care about.

♱ leo moons or moons in the 5th house can be quite dramatic with their feelings. they tend to be very expressive and may sometimes come across as over-the-top. their emotions can run high, and they might get upset easily, needing an outlet for their intense feelings.

♱ jupiter in the 7th house often leads to a large number of relationships. natives with this placement might have an extensive dating history, as they’re drawn to experiencing different connections and learning from a variety of partnerships. their expansive nature makes them open to exploring multiple relationships with different backgrounds/cultures throughout their life.

♱ mars in the 10th house often leads to careers that involve physical work or action, like the military or law enforcement. these individuals may be drawn to roles where they can assert themselves and take on challenges.

♱ venus conjunct mars natives are often very attractive, especially men. they tend to draw attention from both genders, which can sometimes lead to jealousy or envy from others. Their magnetic charm and strong presence make them stand out in social situations.

♱ venus in gemini or libra can be quite clingy and seek constant attention. they often crave interaction and validation, wanting to stay connected and engaged with their partner at all times.

♱ gemini mars can have a surprisingly high libido and are often very sexual. they might have unique kinks and specific things that turn them on.

♱ taurus venus can get very possessive and jealous, not just over their partners but also over loved ones. this intense desire for security and loyalty can extend to all close relationships, making them protective and sometimes overly controlling.

♱ uranus conjunct ascendant natives often have a unique and striking beauty. their aesthetic can be quite different from others, with an eccentric vibe that makes them stand out. they’re known for their rebellious and independent nature, frequently surprising people with their unexpected behaviour, whether it's positively or negatively.

♱ people with planets in your 12th house might secretly harbour hidden resentments or negative feelings, though this isn’t true for everyone. they might be the ones who hold grudges without you realizing it they can sometimes be your biggest enemies without you realizing it. be cautious about what you share with them, as they might use your words against you or act out their hostility indirectly, sometimes even playing the victim.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Antiusurpation and the road to disenshittification

THIS WEEKEND (November 8-10), I'll be in TUCSON, AZ: I'm the GUEST OF HONOR at the TUSCON SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.

Nineties kids had a good reason to be excited about the internet's promise of disintermediation: the gatekeepers who controlled our access to culture, politics, and opportunity were crooked as hell, and besides, they sucked.

For a second there, we really did get a lot of disintermediation, which created a big, weird, diverse pluralistic space for all kinds of voices, ideas, identities, hobbies, businesses and movements. Lots of these were either deeply objectionable or really stupid, or both, but there was also so much cool stuff on the old, good internet.

Then, after about ten seconds of sheer joy, we got all-new gatekeepers, who were at least as bad, and even more powerful, than the old ones. The net became Tom Eastman's "Five giant websites, each filled with screenshots of the other four." Culture, politics, finance, news, and especially power have been gathered into the hands of unaccountable, greedy, and often cruel intermediaries.

Oh, also, we had an election.

This isn't an election post. I have many thoughts about the election, but they're still these big, unformed blobs of anger, fear and sorrow. Experience teaches me that the only way to get past this is to just let all that bad stuff sit for a while and offgas its most noxious compounds, so that I can handle it safely and figure out what to do with it.

While I wait that out, I'm just getting the job done. Chop wood, carry water. I've got a book to write, Enshittification, for Farar, Straus, Giroux's MCD Books, and it's very nearly done:

https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3Adoctorow+%23dailywords&src=typed_query&f=live

Compartmentalizing my anxieties and plowing that energy into productive work isn't necessarily the healthiest coping strategy, but it's not the worst, either. It's how I wrote nine books during the covid lockdowns.

And sometimes, when you're not staring directly at something, you get past the tunnel vision that makes it impossible to see its edges, fracture lines, and weak points.

So I'm working on the book. It's a book about platforms, because enshittification is a phenomenon that is most visible and toxic on platforms. Platforms are intermediaries, who connect buyers and sellers, creators and audiences, workers and employers, politicians and voters, activists and crowds, as well as families, communities, and would-be romantic partners.

There's a reason we keep reinventing these intermediaries: they're useful. Like, it's technically possible for a writer to also be their own editor, printer, distributor, promoter and sales-force:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/19/crad-kilodney-was-an-outlier/#intermediation

But without middlemen, those are the only writers we'll get. The set of all writers who have something to say that I want to read is much larger than the set of all writers who are capable of running their own publishing operation.

The problem isn't middlemen: the problem is powerful middlemen. When an intermediary gets powerful enough to usurp the relationship between the parties on either side of the transaction, everything turns to shit:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/06/12/direct-the-problem-of-middlemen/

A dating service that faces pressure from competition, regulation, interoperability and a committed workforce will try as hard as it can to help you find Your Person. A dating service that buys up all its competitors, cows its workforce, captures its regulators and harnesses IP law to block interoperators will redesign its service so that you keep paying forever, and never find love:

https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2024/02/13/1228749143/the-dating-app-paradox-why-dating-apps-may-be-worse-than-ever

Multiply this a millionfold, in every sector of our complex, high-tech world where we necessarily rely on skilled intermediaries to handle technical aspects of our lives that we can't – or shouldn't – manage ourselves. That world is beholden to predators who screw us and screw us and screw us, jacking up our rents:

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/yes-there-are-antitrust-voters-in

Cranking up the price of food:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/04/dont-let-your-meat-loaf/#meaty-beaty-big-and-bouncy

And everything else:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/06/attention-rents/#consumer-welfare-queens

(Maybe this is a post about the election after all?)

The difference between a helpmeet and a parasite is power. If we want to enjoy the benefits of intermediaries without the risks, we need policies that keep middlemen weak. That's the opposite of the system we have now.

Take interoperability and IP law. Interoperability (basically, plugging new things into existing things) is a really powerful check against powerful middlemen. If you rely on an ad-exchange to fund your newsgathering and they start ripping you off, then an interoperable system that lets you use a different exchange will not only end the rip off – it'll make it less likely to happen in the first place because the ad-tech platform will be afraid of losing your business:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/05/save-news-we-must-shatter-ad-tech

Interoperability means that when a printer company gouges you on ink, you can buy cheap third party ink cartridges and escape their grasp forever:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/11/ink-stained-wretches-battle-soul-digital-freedom-taking-place-inside-your-printer

Interoperability means that when Amazon rips off audiobook authors to the tune of $100m, those authors can pull their books from Amazon and sell them elsewhere and know that their listeners can move their libraries over to a different app:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/09/07/audible-exclusive/#audiblegate

But interoperability has been in retreat for 40 years, as IP law has expanded to criminalize otherwise normal activities, so that middlemen can use IP rights to protect themselves from their end-users and business customers:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

That's what I mean when I say that "IP" is "any law that lets a business reach beyond its own walls and control the actions of its customers, competitors and critics."

For example, there's a pernicious law 1998 US law that I write about all the time, Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, the "anticircumvention law." This is a law that felonizes tampering with copyright locks, even if you are the creator of the undelying work.

So Amazon – the owner of the monopoly audiobook platform Audible – puts a mandatory copyright lock around every audiobook they sell. I, as an author who writes, finances and narrates the audiobook, can't provide you, my customer, with a tool to remove that lock. If I do so, I face criminal sanctions: a five year prison sentence and a $500,000 fine for a first offense:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/25/can-you-hear-me-now/#acx-ripoff

In other words: if I let you take my own copyrighted work out of Amazon's app, I commit a felony, with penalties that are far stiffer than the penalties you would face if you were to simply pirate that audiobook. The penalties for you shoplifting the audiobook on CD at a truck-stop are lower than the penalties the author and publisher of the book would face if they simply gave you a tool to de-Amazon the file. Indeed, even if you hijacked the truck that delivered the CDs, you'd probably be looking at a shorter sentence.

This is a law that is purpose-built to encourage intermediaries to usurp the relationship between buyers and sellers, creators and audiences. It's a charter for parasitism and predation.

But as bad as that is, there's another aspect of DMCA 1201 that's even worse: the exemptions process.

You might have read recently about the Copyright Office "freeing the McFlurry" by granting a DMCA 1201 exemption for companies that want to reverse-engineer the error-codes from McDonald's finicky, unreliable frozen custard machines:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/10/28/mcbroken/#my-milkshake-brings-all-the-lawyers-to-the-yard

Under DMCA 1201, the Copyright Office hears petitions for these exemptions every three years. If they judge that anticircumvention law is interfering with some legitimate activity, the statute empowers them to grant an exemption.

When the DMCA passed in 1998 (and when the US Trade Rep pressured other world governments into passing nearly identical laws in the decades that followed), this exemptions process was billed as a "pressure valve" that would prevent abuses of anticircumvention law.

But this was a cynical trick. The way the law is structured, the Copyright Office can only grant "use" exemptions, but not "tools" exemptions. So if you are granted the right to move Audible audiobooks into a third-party app, you are personally required to figure out how to do that. You have to dump the machine code of the Audible app, decompile it, scan it for vulnerabilities, and bootstrap your own jailbreaking program to take Audible wrapper off the file.

No one is allowed to help you with this. You aren't allowed to discuss any of this publicly, or share a tool that you make with anyone else. Doing any of this is a potential felony.

In other words, DMCA 1201 gives intermediaries power over you, but bans you from asking an intermediary to help you escape another abusive middleman.

This is the exact opposite of how intermediary law should work. We should have rules that ban intermediaries from exercising undue power over the parties they serve, and we should have rules empowering intermediaries to erode the advantage of powerful intermediaries.

The fact that the Copyright Office grants you an exemption to anticircumvention law means nothing unless you can delegate that right to an intermediary who can exercise it on your behalf.

A world without publishing intermediaries is one in which the only writers who thrive are the ones capable of being publishers, too, and that's a tiny fraction of all the writers with something to say.

A world without interoperability intermediaries is one in which the only platform users who thrive are also skilled reverse-engineering ninja hackers – and that's an infinitesimal fraction of the platform users who would benefit from interoperabilty.

Let this be your north star in evaluating platform regulation proposals. Platform regulation should weaken intermediaries' powers over their users, and strengthen their power over other middlemen.

Put in this light, it's easy to see why the ill-informed calls to abolish Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act (which makes platform users, not platforms, responsible for most unlawful speech) are so misguided:

https://www.techdirt.com/2020/06/23/hello-youve-been-referred-here-because-youre-wrong-about-section-230-communications-decency-act/

If we require platforms to surveil all user speech and block anything that might violate any law, we give the largest, most powerful platforms a permanent advantage over smaller, better platforms, run by co-ops, hobbyists, nonprofits local governments, and startups. The big platforms have the capital to rig up massive, automated surveillance and censorship systems, and the only alternatives that can spring up have to be just as big and powerful as the Big Tech platforms we're so desperate to escape:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/23/evacuate-the-platforms/#let-the-platforms-burn

This is especially grave given the current political current, where fascist politicians are threatening platforms with brutal punishments for failing to censor disfavored political views.

Anyone who tells you that "it's only censorship when the government does it" is badly confused. It's only a First Amendment violation when the government does it, sure – but censorship has always relied on intermediaries. From the Inquisition to the Comics Code, government censors were only able to do their jobs because powerful middlemen, fearing state punishments, blocked anything that might cross the line, censoring far beyond the material actually prohibited by the law:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/22/self-censorship/#hugos

We live in a world of powerful, corrupt middlemen. From payments to real-estate, from job-search to romance, there's a legion of parasites masquerading as helpmeets, burying their greedy mouthparts into our tender flesh:

https://www.capitalisnt.com/episodes/visas-hidden-tax-on-americans

But intermediaries aren't the problem. You shouldn't have to stand up your own payment processor, or learn the ins and outs of real-estate law, or start your own single's bar. The problem is power, not intermediation.

As we set out to build a new, good internet (with a lot less help from the US government than seemed likely as recently as last week), let's remember that lesson: the point isn't disintermediation, it's weak intermediation.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/11/07/usurpers-helpmeets/#disreintermediation

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en (Image: Cryteria, CC BY 3.0, modified)