#towards so many other people and did so many other things that i rlly can't effectively summarize them. esp since there've been so many | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

httpiastri · 5 months

Text

PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER ONE (BAHRAIN)

genre: fluff, angst, etc.

warnings: hmmm nothing i think

word count: 5.3k

author's note: aaaa first chapter !! i don't rlly like it but still !!!! a very much opener/get-to-know-the-characters/intro chapter, so maybe boring at times idk. still so excited, thanks to everyone who's contributed. love u all <333

author's note pt2: when i write about the different drivers and their living situations, i know it's not all accurate to how they actually live irl. ik i wrote modena instead of maranello here for ollie although idk exactly when he moved, but there are mentions of milton keynes for the rbj drivers bcs it made it easier for me. anyways, just go with whatever i say about how they live lol. also !!!! i changed yn's team from mp to campos hehe. okay now let's start :)

series masterlist

the winter break coming to an end is always a bittersweet feeling.

having a lot of free time to catch up with friends and family is always greatly appreciated, but at the same time, it doesn't take many days before you miss racing after the last race of the season. especially when the season is as short as the f3 season is, and especially when you don't partake in any of the winter-season races.

this year, though, coming back to the paddock doesn't feel as complicated as it most often does. your heart is light and your smile is big as you enter through the gates after the long taxi ride from your hotel, and you already can't wait to get started.

as you make your way toward the campos truck, you greet a few people you meet here and there, but it's the sight of a head full of dark, curly hair that makes you stop in your tracks. "jak!"

the american turns around when he hears your voice, grin taking over his face already. you strut all the way over to him, practically throwing yourself into his arms. "hey there," he chuckles, giving you a big hug.

"oh, i've missed you so much!" you exclaim, giving him one last squeeze before pulling away. "it feels like i haven't seen you in ages."

"right? the break was way too long."

juan pokes his head through the door to the truck when he hears your voices, making some kind of comment about all of these loud teenagers always causing a commotion, before coming down to greet you with a hug as well. "how was your break?" he asks.

"wonderful, really. i spent most of it at home, catching up with family and friends. then me and ollie-" your eyes widen at your own words. you clear your throat, looking away from both of the boys for a second. "well, i went to italy."

your relationship with ollie isn't exactly a secret around the paddock, but it's a bit of an unspoken rule not to mention it too much. both because you all want to separate your personal lives from your racing ones – you don't wish to crash into a close friend like jak any more than you'd like to crash into ollie, after all – and because a certain other driver might be around to hear.

someone who's quite the conflict of interest in this specific topic.

your break truly was wonderful. it felt like the only things on your schedule were skiing in the italian mountains, gym-and sim-training, and just relaxing at home in england to recharge for the next season. you had spent a lot of it with ollie, getting to know both him and his family better. it hadn't taken you long before you were best friends with his little sister, sharing little inside jokes and spending time cheering her on at the stable. and you'd even grown surprisingly close with ollie's younger brother, and you loved seeing the three siblings interact.

they all made you feel truly at home with them, like an extended family. you couldn't have asked for anything more.

ollie was well-known in your family even before the break, especially considering how he was one of the first drivers your father picked out for the academy. and during the break, he only further impressed them; he always helped out with household tasks, he did his best to create connections to every relative of yours that he met, and he even bought the sweetest little christmas presents for your parents and grandparents. however, just the mention of italy in your current conversation is enough to make the dams drivers understand. no other detail is necessary.

when you're done talking about your break, it's juan's turn, and then jak's. during the catchup, more and more people drop by to say hello, and it doesn't take long before there's a full-on gathering outside the dams truck. dennis, another one of your former academy members, and pepe, your new teammate and newly found platonic soulmate, both listen in as jak tells you all about how jetlagged he is after coming back from the states just two days ago. "have you gotten properly settled in with aston?" you ask with a smile.

"totally. it's been great, honestly. even the apartment they found for me is top-notch."

"oh? better than milton keynes?"

jak raises his eyebrows at you, and then he bursts out laughing. "duh." throughout the many years of living next-door from each other, there wasn't a single day when the two of you didn't complain about something the apartment complex. the smell, the noise, the trails of blood in the staircase; not exactly things you'll miss when you move out one day.

"i still can't really believe we're not neighbors anymore," you complain, jutting out your bottom lip as you speak. "i've been so close to knocking on your old door so many times, but now some other freak lives there-"

"hey!" pepe shoves your shoulder, and the whole group laughs. "you're much worse than i am!"

"i'm so glad i finally moved out of there," dennis chimes in. "if i had been neighbors with y/n and pepe at the same time… i don't think i would've gotten any sleep at all, man."

"i didn't get any sleep for four years when i lived there..." jak groans.

"is this your first time in a series together?" juan jumps in, looking between you and jak, but seems surprised when you both nod. "best friends but you've never raced each other? maybe this season is what forces you apart."

"yeah, what will you do if i crash into you when you're in the lead?" jak teases, pressing an elbow into your side.

"then i think a few compromising pictures of you might make their way to the aston martin headquarters..."

when it's like this, being on the same grid with all of these people is so easy. you're all friends, not opponents. all in the same boat with the same excitement and expectations for the season. unfortunately, you know it won't stay this uncomplicated for long. when you're actually out on track in a few weeks, forcing each other into the walls and swearing at each other over the team radios, there won't be any more happy faces.

but for now, you enjoy smiling with the people who are just as much your friends as they are your enemies. that is, until you spot someone else joining your little group.

paul.

suddenly, the smile feels much more forced; the air is thicker and harder to breathe in. and when he makes his way over to you, a lump forms in your throat.

a lump you understand probably won't disappear all season.

the second you're back in your hotel room, you reach for the little dark blue book you've hidden in your bedside drawer. the pen in your hand is one you've had for years, one you always bring with you to every race weekend. the ink has been refilled possibly hundreds of times, but the plastic body has remained the same ever since you bought it.

the journal itself is torn; it's been used and loved for many years, too. it's like an extra best friend, a second home. when you're writing in it, it's one of the few times you feel like you can actually be your true, authentic self – it's one of the few times when you're not afraid that someone will judge your emotions or thoughts.

today, you know what you want to write about instantly.

i saw paul for the first time since abu dhabi.

i haven't been able to stop thinking about him. no matter how hard, i couldn't get him out of my mind. i've been wondering what he looks like now, how his voice has changed, if his smile is still as bright. and suddenly, he was there and i saw him.

the answer? he's just as he always was. and i can't tell if that makes me feel alright or awful.

you're pulled out of your head by the sound of a knock on your door, and you instantly scramble to hide your journal in the drawer again. the second you pull the door open and ollie's gaze meets yours, it's like all of your previous thoughts disappear. it's just you and him again; no one else even exists.

especially not paul.

"are you ready to go?" ollie asks, hands finding your sides as he leans in to press a quick kiss to your cheek. "i found the address of some good pasta place, it's just a few blocks from here."

you nod, your hands landing on top of his and giving them a quick squeeze before pulling away. "i just need to put on some earrings," you start, backing into the room. "will you help me choose?"

"of course."

"carlos set a stunning lap today. did you see it?"

the question makes you roll your eyes, letting out a sigh as you bring out three plates from the cupboard above the stove. your dad has always been quick to comment on anything good regarding ferrari; to anyone living in the max verstappen era, even a sliver of a good result is enough to spark some hope, so you aren't exactly surprised. "yes, dad. of course i saw it."

"i reckon this will be our year," your dad continues as you walk past him cooking by the stove, carrying the plates to the dinner table. "carlos will make them regret getting lewis instead of him."

you can't help the chuckle that leaves your mouth. your mom gives you a knowing glare over her newspaper – don't start anything. you choose to ignore it. "you really think this is how it's going to look next week during the actual race?" you ask. "you don't think max is sandbagging the slightest?"

"i'm just telling you," your dad starts, giving his stew a good stir. the snarky tone in his voice is unmistakable. "don't come home crying to me when you realize red bull isn't going to cut it anymore. if you regret your choices, go somewhere else."

even like this, when you're back home for a few days to catch up with your family, neither of you can stay away from this bickering. your dad is always pestering you about sticking with the red bull junior team, and you never can back down from a fight. you're way too stubborn.

"are you saying that i wouldn't have a place in ferrari if i wanted to?" you set the plates down with a thud, the sound making your mother flinch in her seat by the table. "you would say no to your only daughter, huh?"

"i'm just saying that you'd need to prove yourself to get into the academy."

despite your harsh tones, most people around you think you're just joking around when you act like this; some family-mockery can never hurt, right? however, there's always a hint of seriousness behind it. it's been like this between the two of you forever, and especially ever since your dad became the head of the ferrari driver academy – the rivalry between you two is stronger than ever.

you've always been sure of your choice; you've always felt like the red bull family is perfect for you. but recently, you've started to wonder if staying with the team actually was the right thing for you. what really is your future in the team? it's not like you haven't got great drivers ahead of you, drivers who will be called in for a possible f1 seat before you.

and it's not like red bull has a stellar record of keeping all of their drivers. they only have four seats in formula one, after all.

your dad wants you in ferrari, that much is clear. you may have joined the red bull junior team because of his past with the team; he did win their first ever championship, after all. accepting was the only option when you got the offer to join. however... your dad really wants you in ferrari. there's just something about the brand, the colors and the history that obviously is intriguing for everyone. even lewis hamilton couldn't stay away, for god's sake.

you can't admit it, though. not here, not right now.

so instead, you choose to fight fire with fire. "bullshit," you mumble under your breath before speaking clearly again. "second in the championship last year wasn't proof enough?"

"stop this," your mom says, folding up her newspaper and placing it on the table. you roll your eyes yet again but look back at her when she speaks again. "new subject: how is our dear ollie doing?"

you visibly relax at the question, your heart softening in your chest. "he's good. he's back in modena now, so..."

if it had been your dad asking about ollie, you know it would've been because he's interested in how the academy is doing. but since your mom is the one asking, you know it's real concern and curiosity. "how did he find the new car? did he enjoy testing?"

"not really," you say, slipping into the seat opposite your mum as your dad places the pot of stew in front of you on the table. "though, you know, the prema cars are never that good in bahrain. but he assumes they'll bounce back."

there's something in your dad's tone when he speaks again that makes you stop in the middle of your reach for the ladle. "yeah, so i've heard..." it's almost sarcastic, maybe a bit... irritated?

you turn towards him, a frown on your face. "what?"

"william," your mom says with a shake of her head. she knows something. "let's not go there." but just as you're about to call them out on how strange they're acting, she speaks again: "what do your upcoming weeks look like? for how long will you be back in england?"

anyone with eyes – or even without, to be fair – can tell that they're hiding something. and while your curiosity is killing you, you're not in the mood for a full-fledged fight at this time. you take the high road, which isn't your most familiar way of handling things like this, and try your best to push away any wishes to question your parents. you answer, engage in polite conversations and chat about your upcoming season. then, you thank them for dinner and leave the house after giving them their respective kisses on their cheeks.

but all evening, your mind is on something else. and when you get back home to your apartment, your fingers itch to send ollie a text asking if he knows anything. but instead, you go to bed with a knot in your stomach. maybe it's a topic for another day.

being back in the car for testing was great, but it was nothing compared to being back on the track for an actual race weekend. the first round of the championship was something you'd looked forward to for what felt like years, and now it was finally time. you've never been more excited, or nervous, for any race weekend.

you weren't off to the best of starts, though. qualifying has always been one of your stronger suits, so coming 13th was not a result you had anticipated. thankfully, it meant you had time to practice overtaking and had a good chance of improving your place. having to start right behind pepe and paul in both races was an interesting coincidence, but you were obviously not going to let any of it affect your racing.

though p8 is not the best place to finish, you are actually quite pleased with having gained several positions in the sprint race and taking your first point of the year. the car was, as you knew it would be, very different from the f3 car, although you were surprisingly confident and managed it well despite the circumstances.

paul, too, handled it all very well – p12 to p5 is a great record. and when he sees the timing board and realizes that you also did well considering the circumstances, he's overjoyed. he's practically bouncing down the paddock when he finally gets out of his car, accepting the fans' cheers and the handshakes from his engineers with a big grin. and when he sees you further down the paddock, his mind is filled with memories of the two of you celebrating your good placements in all other categories.

just because you aren't a couple now doesn't mean you can't honor these results together, right?

but just a second later, he realizes that you're surrounded by the familiar red-clad staff members instead of your own campos staff, and you're standing right by that red prema car he knows so well. and, sure enough, soon the person he'd forgotten about steps up to you.

paul watches as you wrap your arms around ollie's shoulders, and his heart sinks in his chest. your boyfriend hides his face in your shoulder and your hand comes up to stroke the skin on the back of his neck. paul can tell how your lips are moving, and the pout you're showing off tells him enough about what's going on even though he can't actually hear what you're saying. you aren't prioritizing being happy about your own race – it's more important to comfort ollie.

to paul, there's something so unsettling about the sight. he's seen the two of you together many times before – besides, he gets tagged in pretty much every picture a fan takes of you with your boyfriend – but it isn't your proximity that he has issues with.

the thing that upsets him is the fact that there's a frown stretched across your features; one that doesn't leave even when you part from ollie, or when you're cheered on by your mechanics, or when you leave for your post-race interviews. a frown that any other time would be replaced with a big, proud smile because of your accomplishments.

the music blasting into your ears from your airpods cuts out the rest of the world, the usually so busy and loud paddock all gone the second you pressed the play button on your phone. it's been your favorite way of getting in the race mood for years; you're not superstitious in many other ways, but your playlist has stayed the same since your first season in f4. walking around the garage, doing your warmups, or even just sitting around and waiting to get in the car like you are right now, you listen to the exact same songs on repeat. it's one of the few things that makes you truly focus on the race ahead of you.

so when you feel two hands on your shoulders from behind, you jump in your seat. turning your head, you're relieved to see the big smile of pepe shining down at you. "did i scare you?" he asks loudly enough to cut through the music, and you barely have time to nod and take one airpod out before he speaks again. "good, that was my intention."

you slide your airpods into their case as pepe plops into the seat next to you, eyes zoning in on the f3 feature race on the screen in front of you. "i'm so upset," you huff, shaking your head. "did you see the start?"

"i heard," he answers just as dino's red car appears on the screen, and he crosses his arms over his chest. "but he's made up ten places already, right?"

"yeah..." you lean your head onto his shoulder with a sigh. "we should focus on the positives. like chris!"

"and like our upcoming race." you can practically hear his grin when he speaks. "i have a good feeling about it."

when you found out that jak was leaving the red bull junior academy last fall, you were heartbroken. he's been one of your closest friends ever since you first met; the two of you have always been joined by the hip, despite how you've never raced in the same series before, and you spent most of your free time either training together or just hanging out. how would you ever get over him leaving you all alone in the academy?

thankfully, pepe joined in the late summer. at first, you were just acquaintances, but something about his personality was too good not to fall for. it didn't take long for him to become one of your closest friends, too. another boy your age, another boy with crazy energy and amazing potential – he filled the void in your heart quite well.

as well as jak's old apartment.

you'd raced each other in f3 last season, though barely ever crossed paths or talked. but living next to each other, doing all of your sim work together, and now even being on the same team meant that your relationship went from zero to one hundred in just days.

this season is your first with campos, while he's been with the team for several years already, and so far he's been very good at helping you get used to everything off track. they took a big chance choosing two rookies for their lineup, and the two of you promised each other to do your best to make them satisfied with their choice. so far, you've gotten one third and eight place in your first-ever f2 race – and you're just getting started.

"i do, too," you hum. "let's go out there and show them today."

paul is beaming when you see him stroll back to the paddock after his media duties. his cap is perched on top of his head – the right cap, finally – and his fingers are still tightly wrapped around the neck of his champagne bottle. when he notices you leaning against the doorframe leading into the f2 hospitality, his smile grows even bigger.

you meet him halfway, arms wrapping around his shoulders easily, just like they have so many times before. one of his arms drapes around your waist and he holds you close, a hum vibrating from his chest. finally, he thinks to himself; this definitely makes up for all of the things he felt yesterday.

"congrats, paul," you tell him. "that was amazing. you were amazing."

"thank you," he says before pausing. then, he lets out a chuckle. "to be honest, i wasn't sure if you would care."

you frown at him when you pull slightly away from him, just enough to look into his eyes. is that what he really thought? that you wouldn't care about his driving? "oh, please. you still mean a lot to me, okay?" your hand moves down to his upper arm, giving it a soft squeeze. "i still consider you to be one of my closest friends."

friends. the word stings like a knife in his heart. it's been months since you broke up, and yet, it still feels like a raw wound.

paul forces a smile. he understands that despite how painful it is, there's something good in it. there's still a place for him in your heart, even if he's forced to share it with someone else.

he pulls you in again, and the hug is even tighter now than before. it's a comforting feeling; you're both at peace, with a good weekend behind you, in the arms of someone so close to you. after everything you've gone through together, but especially everything he has gone through these last few months with the mercedes academy and prema, you're finally through to the other side. "it all worked out in the end, huh?" you ask after a few moments of silence.

"i guess it did." you part from each other to leave that oh-so-familiar gap between you yet again. "will you be celebrating with us tonight? i think pepe had something planned. you know how he is."

you snort. "yeah, i do know. maybe i will." you shift uncomfortably, crossing your arms over your chest as your eyes dart to the ground. "but, um... i'll have to check with..."

you don't even say his name – you don't have to. ollie's entire weekend has been so far from everyone's expectations, and if you know him correctly, he will not be in the mood for celebrations tonight.

paul nods slowly, pressing his lips into a thin line. "right."

the silence that follows is so awkward you can't help but chew on your bottom lip, a tiny sigh escaping through your mouth. he must be hating this, you think – today is supposed to be only a good day for him, he shouldn't have his ex's new relationship pushed up in his face.

"well, i have a debrief to get to," you make up, flashing him a quick smile. "congrats again, paul."

"thank you." he gives you another nod, before turning away and making his way towards the paddock. "pepe will text you!"

and just like that, he's off, and your mind wanders to the thought of actually going out to celebrate. ollie will definitely not join you, though you're not sure why you don't want to go without him. is it because you'd rather stay and comfort him?

or is it because you're scared of what you'll do, or feel, when you're alone with paul for the first time since you broke up?

"p5 is still good, my dear." your mom's voice booms out from the speakers of your phone as you drop it onto the desk, and you can't help but let out a sigh, taking a step back.

"of course, but... i feel like i could've done more." it was both true and not; with paul's five-second penalty, you definitely could've gained at least one more position if only you had stayed within that gap. but then again, a fifth position and ten more points was a great result for a rookie.

"but you'll still be going out to celebrate with your friends, right?"

you ended up telling pepe you weren't in the mood to party, despite his persistent complaints, and decided to instead use the evening for relaxation and recovery. your entire body, especially your neck, has really suffered this weekend – you were already sore after the shakedown, but this is on another level – so a bubble bath and a good night's sleep in your hotel room seemed like a much better choice.

"no, i'm just going to rest a little..." you hum, flopping down on the chair by the desk. "maybe grab something to eat with ollie."

weirdly enough, you haven't been able to get in contact with him all evening. you were told that he hurried back to his hotel room right after the race, not in the mood to talk to anyone on the team at all, so you chose to give him some time alone to cool down before you'll eventually go over there. still, you thought he would've answered at least one of your many texts by now.

thinking about your boyfriend, you suddenly remember something. "hey, mum?" she lets out an affirmative sound. "you remember when i was home last time, and dad said something about ollie and the car? and he acted all weird?" you pause for a moment, but when she doesn't say anything, you keep going. "what was that all about?"

"well darling, we..." you take the sudden silence as a sign that she might not be sure how honest she wants to be right now, and it makes you frown instinctively. she sighs. "we're just a little worried about him, that's all."

your confusion only grows. "what's that supposed to mean?"

"we're worried he's feeling too pressured to impress us." you hear her take a deep breath. "of course, your father is his boss, so it is natural in that way. but we wish he would just see us as any regular parents. he's always talking about racing like there's nothing else in the world, and..."

"that's not fair." you shake your head despite the fact that she can't see it. "that isn't him. he isn't all racing and no fun."

"oh love, i'm sure he is loads of fun, but-"

"i really have to go," you cut her off, standing from your seat. "talk to you later."

you hang up before she can even answer, the guilt in your head from treating your mother like that already pushed away by the anger growing inside of you.

you always assumed your parents loved ollie. sure, you knew they adored having paul over when you were still a couple, too, but ollie is every mother-in-law's dream son. he's from your country, he's a pure sweetheart, he's even in the fda for god's sake. how could they not love him?

and so what if he tries to impress them? who wouldn't do the same?

when ollie opens his door for you, he looks like he's just woken up from a bad night's sleep. bed head, bags under his eyes, and just a general aura of tiredness. if you didn't know better, you'd think he was an insomniac. but thinking back to how badly his race went, the sight of him just makes your stomach churn.

your arms wrap around his neck in an instant, pulling him into your warm embrace. you feel the tension in his upper back release right away, and ollie's hands find your sides, giving you a light squeeze. you refrain the urge to pull away when he nuzzles his nose into your neck, standing strong against your usual ticklishness, and your heart softens slightly when he lets out a deep sigh into your skin.

"you okay?" you finally manage to get out, and his answer comes in the form of a nod against your shoulder. "is there anything i can do for you?"

he pulls away but stays so close that you feel his breath against your face; so close that you're both slightly cross-eyed when your gazes meet. "stay with me?"

your answer is expressed through the fleeting kiss you press to his lips, your way of saying of course. ollie doesn't waste any time pulling you into his hotel room, and you flop down onto the bed with him. he sits up and watches you lie down against the covers, your head nestling into the pillow. "tell me about your race," he says as he reaches down to take your hand, his fingers slipping in between yours. "eight positions gained, huh?"

of course he doesn't want to talk about his own race. but the fact that he's willing to think about racing at all, just to let you have a chance to talk about how well you did and boast a little; it all makes your heart flutter.

and you're sure, you're so sure that he is so much more than just a racing driver. he's not what your parents think he is. he's an incredible racer, sure, but he's also the sweetest man you've ever met. the perfect boyfriend.

even when he's feeling like this, he takes his time to still pay attention to you and ask questions. and then he listens, he really listens, because he wants to understand every inch of your mind just as well as he geeks out about every detail of apexes and tyre degradation. and then he says just the right things, the things to sweep you off your feet yet again.

he's so perfect that he's incredibly easy to love.

so why is there a knot in your stomach at the thought of the race – and more specifically, the person on the last step of the podium?

why does your mind keep running back to how he's celebrating, and what it would be like if you'd been there with him?

yourusername just posted!

yourusername double pookie podiums & good points in the bag! thanks camposracing for a great car ❤️ we go again in a week!

show all 81 comments

user top job this weekend!!

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user i will stop hating on red bull if either of these get into f1

→ user red bull juniors >>> anyone else

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user what happened to ollie though 😭

→ user it's just the first round, calm your horses

→ user why always bring up ollie on her posts... is that all she is, ollie's gf? 😐

→ user forreeaaalll

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

redbulljuniorteam y/n and pepe making us proud 🥺

→ user pls admin you're making me cry

→ yourusername me too 😭

136 notes · View notes

yugiohz · 2 months

Note

hii,, sorry if u have answered this b4 but how did you manage to not take your art seriously? I'm envious of the relationship you have with your art,, I'm too harsh w mine:(

idk, i think there's so many variables at play that you can't just pinpoint it to one or twoi and "solve" this predicament, but I think one big thing that helpedme maintain a good relationship to my art was that i went 23 years without posting anything online, i think social media & fandoms can shift your attitude and perception towards your art prettey quickly.

*puts pedagogue glasses on* also to me, process comes before product, having a product that you're satisfied with is nice, but i def focus on the former, so as long as i'm having fun while brainstorming for an idea, researching details, and trying to put it on paper, i don't rlly care if others are interested in that or if the line art is strong enough or if both hands are the same size lmao

I used to be really hard on myself (academically) and realized over the years that negative reinforcement is so so useless , so i try to think positively of my art, be kind to yourself and whatever you create

i think comparisons are inavoidable, especially in fandom spaces where there's a lot of people who draw similar things like it's pretty easy to compare, like there's SO many artists much younger and more talented than me, but tbh i'm just greatful they can put things on paper that I rlly want to see but they are way above my skill level lmaoooo, like i can't draw backgrounds so im very happy to see other people put my fav charcaters in environments that I'd love to see them in sljfnld

also sometimes you just have to be self-indulgent like i really don't know how to draw trees but i like to draw deku and bakugo climbing trees so im drawing shitty trees like who cares!!! be confident !!

idk if this helps i don't have an answer, i DO take my art seriously in the sense that i embrace and repsect my obsessions and let myself indulge in the process of trying to create, everything else is secondary :D

#i find drawing very grounding i am just happy that i get to sit down and put lines on paper and i can deku looking like a bug #i think some of my pieces turn out better than i expect them to (dabihawks hugging on the floor) and that's a really good feeling #but it's also enough to me to draw my wobbly doodles on drawpile with friends and followers like the process is so important!#asks

22 notes · View notes

semishid · 15 days

Text

Why Kai should be canonically aromantic!

1. It’s cool

2. So far, every Queer character in Ninjago has been "unnecessary", contributing nothing to the plot.

Sally was in one season, she doesn't even have her own minifigure. Her character is to be an emotional, energetic, but stressed person. I like her a lot, but being bisexual didn't contribute or change anything.

Then a non-binary background character in Dragon Rising who contributes nothing to the plot, they just in the background.

Geo, he doesn't have a minifigure yet, he has little dialogue and he just is.

Tox, after the airing of season 2 p2 on the Ninjago website we found out that they uses They/Them pronouns.

Cole, not confirmed, but strongly suggested. The least popular ninja, making him a Queer character wouldn't do much for minifigure sales, because he's just unpopular.

But Kai is the most popular ninja!

Plus he has not rlly good writing!

This can be used to show children that not everyone is capable of showing romantic feelings and that it is normal.

His relationship with Skylor is questionable, it was for years and still is.

Now Wyldfyre has a boyfriend, she will talk about him, maybe she will ask Kai about various things regarding dating

But Kai knows nothing about love. He had no parents, he had trust issues. For years he only had a sister to whom he showed love. His trust issues towards Wu and ninja and the fact that he did not interact with other posts except ninja and/or ninja friends.

And in general he only hit on one woman in earlier seasons and gave some advice to Lloyd about dating.

He does not have a rich history related to love with relationships

Making him an aro and showing children that it is normal would be great

Censorship.

In many countries, especially religious ones, any display of difference in a way that is inconsistent with religion and culture is censored or even banned from the state. Ninjago could avoid this!

Censorship wouldn't make sense, because it would 1. Be in line with Kai's character. It would develop his character (a little) and have a pretty important conversation with Wyldfyre about his feelings. 2. Not expressing romantic feelings is normal, people can't censor that, especially in children's animation, which rather doesn't want to promote children entering into romantic relationships young, we don't want that.

Good representation, character development, it doesn't make a difference to them financially, Kai will still be popular, there will most likely be no censorship.

Children, especially young ones often don't know why some adults are single and don't have partners

I think if their favorite character explained it, it would be good for them

Of course, being aro is not the only determinant of loneliness, but so that all children understand that love is not only romantic. Because in Ninjago, there was often a romantic relationship between a guy and a girl right away.

Making the main character a popular Queer would be a good leap forward, especially since Kai is relatable in so many ways.

Also, homophonic Ninjago fans already make Kai woke:

#Ninjago #kai ninjago headcanons #Kai Ninjago #aro Kai #aromatnic #Kai should be aro chat #I love aro Kai #live laugh love aro Kai #he wanted a green gi to match his flag #woke #Ninjago woke #wait wait! more queer kai pls

17 notes · View notes

nukacourier · 1 month

Note

For the Oc duo ask thing for James and Pierre- 😇⚖️👁🧠 (I struggled just picking a few if it's too many SORRY, I love ur characters)

NO ITS FINE!! May be kinda conceited of me but I rlly love writing about them

James:

Their best trait? - Loyalty, specifically towards people she cares about. Although their obsession with people (namely him) can be unnerving, James always can appreciate that he's there for him, whether she's helping out passively or actively, James has never had to worry about finding his knife in his back. And occasionally can't help but feel like she's the only person he can consistently turn to for comfort when he needs it, as much as that sometimes worries him.

Are they a good person? - It's complicated. James knows the things Pierre has done, and resents that, but has seen worse from others and can also see an almost childlike wonder and hope shining through the cracks of this broken persona he's put on, and knows that horrible exterior to his personality unfortunately exists for a reason. He thinks she has the ability to be good, but needs time to feel safe and protected before he can really fully bring out that side of themself without harming herself mentally.

Do you really know them? - No. James thinks he can sometimes see it, and what he sees is glimpses of someone who is sad, lonely, and lost. Someone that's too painful to be, so Pierre hides it. He knows better than to try to pry, he figures they'll tell him eventually if he needs to. He'd love to get to know the real Pierre at some point, though.

Best memory from them and worst? - Best is probably the time during their trip to Point Lookout where Pierre decided to accompany him and provided him with companionship and a shoulder to lean on after his first romantic heartbreak. It's the first time James had really seen how gentle and caring she could be.

Worst, however, was the one time James actually saw the physical extent of what Pierre would do to others "for him". He didn't want to know. He wishes he never did. It's something that's made him keep Pierre at an arms length since they'd left the Mojave, although eventually that tarnish on Pierre's image has faded since he's unfortunately been faced with seeing worse from others since then. But it definitely left some doubt in his mind.

Pierre:

Their best trait? - His kindness. James is a good person, good enough to treat Pierre like a human being despite seeing himself as scum of the earth. Sometimes it makes her envious, wishing he could care for others the way he does without feeling fear or doubt.

Are they a good person? - Yes. Pierre thinks James is the best a person could hope to be. Even after growing to learn his flaws, and learning how to unsee him as something more than human—Pierre still holds the belief that he truly is good to his very core if he's still trying despite how tired he must be. Although she worries it might lead to him getting hurt or winding up dead.

Do you really know them? - Yes. Pierre has never read into a book the way he has James. She knows what he likes, what he hates, how he feels about others, and even is at the point he's taken to being able to guess the action James will take the majority of the time. He finds familiarity in James that they'd never found before. Home.

Best memory from them and worst? - Their first meeting. Being given care without anything in return, from someone who had no reason to trust them is something Pierre has cycled through his head for years.

Worst, being told that he really is all she ever thought of himself and seeing him scared of him for once. In their eyes, Pierre was just protecting James, but he doesn't blame him for the reaction of fear and anger. He really is horrible. Disgusting. Heartless. But it was the first time Pierre didn't want it to be true despite knowing it was indisputably true. So maybe there was some merit in his hurtful words. Pierre feels he would've been just another raider left with a bullet in his head if she never had that moment of realization.

#sorry the worst memory one is vague. but for both of them its actually the same event fun fact #it has to do with torture. uhm. not pleasant to witness hence james' disgust but i dont wanna write abt it right now #thanks for the ask!!!!!!!#i love blabbing abt them #vinny rambles #ask #also you can probably tell when i said pierre is obsessed it means they are OBSESSED #james (oc)#pretty pierre (oc)#long post

6 notes · View notes

sapphire-weapon · 10 months

Note

oh em ghee that was my tiktok😭😭thank u for not being rude ab it but I just wanna clear stuff up!

1: the reason I mentioned orange is because I love colour theory.... I like giving meaning to colours and I also did it with Leon too in the next slide

2: I'm rlly bad at writing and I didn't think so many people were gonna see it😭It's not 'good' because I'm so bad at putting what I think into words. I just wanted to write about it bc I find their scenes interesting

3: I know nothing about guns I didn't know that not having ur finger on the trigger was gun safety lol. My focus was more on what she was saying because he knew she wouldn't shoot

4: abt ur recent post, my ideas and thoughts in that video were my own. I didn't mean for it to sound similar to ur analysis that's my bad but I wrote down what I took personally however I can take the vid down if you would like

N e wayz thank youuu for not being rude I hope u get this🙏

hello anon. thank u for being a good sport about this.

the only thing i would say to you is that like... you can't just assign meaning to something without having a basis for it, because then you could just say anything about anything. i could just say "every time leon looks left, it means his balls are chafing."

but like

you need to have some basis behind thinking that, or it needs to be provable in some way. i've talked about the symbolism of the moonlight in the pep talk scene and the importance of the dining hall being red, but like... there's established, pre-existing basis for that that goes back ages in literature.

to say that orange light means love and gratitude, especially in the context of resident evil as a series, there needs to be a basis for that.

but from what i've found, orange light just means that the main light source in a scene is fire.

that's all.

like i said 80% of your analysis is legitimate and is stuff i've either said or definitely agree with. other than the orange light thing, i just disagree with the initial notion of leon smirking because he's happy to see ada. that just doesn't make any sense to me in context with the rest of your analysis. if he's so happy to see her, why is he so angry in the rest of the scene?

you'd think that if it was relief or joy upon seeing her again, it'd be more of a genuine smile. a smirk is more sly and arrogant. i've described it before as leon going "oh she thinks she's got the drop on me, but it is i who will get the drop on her" -- like a little kid, he can't wait to show off his new skills and go I'M NOT THAT ROOKIE I USED TO BE ANYMORE OK U CAN'T JUST PUSH ME AROUND THIS TIME

which is um

less than romantic. but definitely is more evidence towards the "leon's being immature" part of the analysis.

14 notes · View notes

wrongcaitlyn · 4 months

Note

I know in your hunger games au, Will and Nico don’t directly parallel to Katniss and Peeta’s characters, but like I rlly feel like they could yk?

Like Katniss didn’t want to be anywhere near the spotlight, but she was thrust towards it. An independent person know for their dry humor and sarcasm, who’s particularly agile and swift, who grew up very quickly from their bright happy childness after the death of a family member, who has to learn how to provide for themselves. People who after going through something feel like they can’t find a home in either places that they know, only in a people that they go through unspeakable odds with.

Then Peeta and Will, the guys who thrive under pressures and expectations from the world. The people with unending patience and optimism. The people who’s trauma they think is lesser than everyone else’s, the one who want to protect all the people they love, the ones filled with anxiety after every move, and the ones who are bright, who smile and love, who are stubborn, and are strong (mentally and physically)

And their love. It’s not all-defying like Percabeth. They go through shit, Katniss and Nico doesn’t wanna do anything abt it, Peeta and Will are trying to do everything to fix it. It’s not perfect. They argue, but they also know everything about each other. They’re young and have lot to learn about living and life, about learning to have peace with what they’ve been handed, about surviving, but everyone knows they’ll be fine.

Anyways, I know there was probably a point in making them the way they were written. I just thought the parallels between them were cool😁

OMG A HUNGER GAMES AU ASKSDJFL

that was my first solangelo fic and the first multichap i had written in a while and i'm still super attached to it so it makes me so happy when seeing smth about it!!!! it's one of my fav fics i've ever writtensfjd

and i think you're definitely right!! when i first started toying with the idea of making a hunger games au, it was because of the similarities between katniss/peeta and solangelo - will is 100% a peeta variant. this was honestly so beautifully written, i don't even know what else to add😭

the true reason i made nico and will parallel... a different couple (*cough* finnick and annie) was a) the "one boy and one girl" thing, and yes i could've solved this by just switching up the universe or making them come from different districts, but then i thought b) angst.

yeah, this fic was written for the angst. i can't really explain it, because it doesn't have this huge great meaning and symbolism like suzanne's hunger games, and that's largely because i made solangelo the side characters. i made hazel and frank peeta and katniss, and solangelo *had* their own story, but they weren't the main characters in this! (well, they were, but like, in the grand scheme of things). and yet they still face trauma and agony, and their lives end in tragedy, like so many other characters do - and yet they still have a great love story despite all that.

idk tbh i wasn't looking for anything all that special, i just wanted to write an mcd angsty fic. and i also thought the parallels between finnick and nico could be really cool - i know most people connect him to percy because of the whole trident and water thing, but they were both just so young. i still made them very different, because i always think that in au's it's worth it to change a lot and keep the character rather than to warp the character to fit the universe, and i actually ended up really happy with how it ended. i know that there are a lot of other hunger games au's out there, and so i didn't just want to go the katniss and peeta route!

i did something different because it was angsty, and that was just what i wanted when i was writing it - i think i was a bit fed up with a lot of authors just being... scared to kill off characters. like, i know that suzanne says she regrets killing off finnick, but that was just such a bold choice, and i have to applaud her for it. and so i put my favorite characters in that situation!

so yeah, i do love the parallels between solangelo and everlark/peeniss (sorry i just couldn't help it) but!! this fic was written to be angsty, and i think it fulfilled its purposeksljdf

thank you so much for the ask!!

#wrongcaitlyn #wrongcaitlyn asks

3 notes · View notes

mortiflyer · 2 years

Text

okay I have way too many thoughts about sab season 2 so here goes *deep breath*

on the "main storyline" side: as someone who hasn't read the sab books but has read soc duology, I rlly liked alina's storyline this season and thought it was decently paced for how few episodes there were. i loved mal and nikolai being friends and not having a random awful love triangle and that alina didn't love nikolai except for platonically! made sense.

baghra kicked ass and ben was again amazing as the d*rkling. loved seeing alinas struggle and his side even though i hate him, because we got to see genya. (SIDE NOTE GENYADAVID WRECKED ME.)

mal being sturmhond was actually a nice twist imo. the twins ROCK and i love tamar and nadia sm. adrik too he's so cute.

on the crows side: even though i adore the crows (and there were zero faults with the cast's performances, as usual), i found myself a little disappointed with some of the writing. some decisions to put book scenes in early made sense (MORE SENSE THAN SOME OF YOU WILL GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR, considering they want to feed us crumbs IF the show gets cancelled), but generally it was disorienting to see the ck plotline, or at least part of it.

i think that the one great thing abt the ck plotline is that it opens up new implications for matthias and pekka's motives, both towards each other and towards kaz, and i love that idea. it's something i'm the most excited for, honestly.

kaz's backstory was well-done and well-acted by jordie, young kaz, and current kaz! freddy continues to be an absolute superstar and one of my favorites in the cast. one thing about kaz, tho: i HATED that the dregs weren't already his crew...like girl who tf is running the crow club. kaz is older in this iteration but not by THAT MUCH...anyways i do think it'll provide basis for the big bolliger/not trusting kaz scene at the beginning of the real soc plot but i still didn't like it.

the other major thing i hated was how rushed wesper was (this one is pretty obvious), but let me also volunteer this: it made sense. of the crows, they have the least traumatic relationship (even tho they have personal traumas yk), and because we can't guarantee that the show will get a spinoff, SOMEONE has to end up happy. thus, no slow burn. annoyed about it, but it's not unreasonable + i adore jack and kit together.

kaNEJ THIS SEASON OMG. the scene in the chapel at the end of the season...wow. i thought it was superbly done and made sense in the storyline of the show, despite being from the books. yes, they had some slightly rushed moments, but again, no guarantees for another season. also this means they're probably planning even more development for a spinoff!!

helnik...cal and dani blow me away even when they're not together?? how do they do that?? amazing. i loved the tension; it was just like the books.

jesper's powers becoming stronger after he hallucinates aditi were a nice touch imo. when colm comes around he'll have to reckon with himself even more now, so that's actually interesting + good setup. he was amazing in episode seven!!!

INEJ SAVING ALINA AGAIN. the implications it has for her religious beliefs are so wow. also, her looking for slavers with sturmhond (MAL!) and the crew is great bc we'll see her again, but it also gives her a minor amount of closure. not full closure, but enough to keep fans wanting to see her again.

on a general note: my favorite episodes were five and seven. i thought five did character interactions super well (specifically nina/kaz and kanej), and seven brought the characters from both storylines together in a way that was, imo, better than last season. also, in episode eight: ALINA USING THE DARK CUT ON THE PAREM SOLDIER?? WOWOWOWW I LOVE THAT I'M SO EXCITED. people will be mad kaz knew about parem before van eck told him but my guess is that the van eck kidnapping stuff DID happen and we just didn't see it yet (wait for spinoff!!)

i'll definitely have to write more posts as it settles in, but yeah...that's the gist of it lol. basically: i will always be a show defender, even if there's clumsy writing and some hamfisting!! i love that damn show!! i am really excited to see them again (praying for a spinoff) and i loved the way the season ended tbh.

#six of crows #shadow and bone #shadow and bone season 2 #sab s2 #spoilers #sab spoilers #six of crows spoilers #be nice to the cast pls they are so hard working and did an amazing job with what they were given

8 notes · View notes

jaegerisim · 1 year

Note

So I'm not against you or anything but I feel crazy. I feel like with my experiences with things I just can't believe some people are not amazing. Obviously ik people have flaws and any perfect but if someone says something bad about someone I like then I get defensive. Like it seems to me, I cant like certain people beacuse they arnt who I thought they were.

Rn I'm talking about the duffers. I think/thought/hope/wished they were the geniuses a lot of people think they are. Like why can't they be evil masterminds who portrayed the show perfectly with no flaws (and before you yell at me ik, that's just me and ik it's not realistic, and blah blah blah)

But it kinda bums me out when you're like

● one reason why the show sucks

● and another

● One more

Because I just want to watch the show and enjoy it without people saying why it sucks or pointing out the problems with it. I'm not being ignorant, if it was seriously problematic I wouldn't ignore it(I've learned my lesson with many other instances where it was VERY problematic.) My feelings towards ppl talking about what they did wrong or didn't do or why it's not the best comes from how I've been treated with father so I understand how I might be annoying but aside from me, I'm sure a lot of other people would appreciate the hate free zone. I could block you but I'd rather not.

Instead of this

● the duffers represented Lucas as a black character badly and it makes me not want to watch they treat him like shit and he is not shown dealing with it

You could say

● instead of the duffers having Lucas be a punching bag for characters and have him just deal with it, they could've shown a bit more of the trauma side of it.

See how it gives a nicer vibe. If with all the problematic people I've watched and like be introduced with a kinder tone, I might have listened instead of turned my head. Beacuse when people make a video titled "why _ is a bad person" is only going to make the fans hate on the creator instead of listening.

Obviously it's not the same instance but I hope you get what I'm saying. You can tell your opinions in a nicer way and people will be more likely to listen.

And I'm not saying you're wrong. Please don't hate on me, this is supposed to be informational if you don't like what I saying please tell me why you disagree

-🌈

Hi, idk who you are but I'm guessing you are a byler blog... I'm sorry I came off as abrasive and I can be pretty aggressive so I'm sorry if that put you off.

I understand why you say that I should be nicer but being "mean" is kind of the point of the post, y'know? As an asian and thus woc who works at an embassy, racism is something that puts me on edge and as I said it was a vent post. I rlly didn't expect for it to get so big and for so many ppl to agree.

In any case, I rlly don't mind being blocked. 2 big blogs have already blocked and I honestly dgaf. If you feel the need to block me then so be it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'd prefer you don't block me but if that's what's best for you...

I won't hate on you and it's kinda sad you think I will. I only troll and hate on the "bad" anons (ex: the argyle is native american anon).

All in all nonny, you've been super polite to me and I hope I was polite to you too! Feel free to drop by my inbox anytime! ☺️🫶🏻

#this was actually respectful #wow #el with the asks

2 notes · View notes

jewpacabruhs · 2 years

Note

????? new ep was lowkey sexist. they pulled a huge double standard with how they treated meghan, calling her stupid/dumb, not even treating her as a person but more an accessory of the prince…and then the prince got a redemption arc. come on like that was pretty nasty no…and this is coming from someone who loves kyle focused eps. first ep of the season wasnt too bad tho. lets hope for more of that

[wrote this reply up right after i got this but posting 2 weeks later cuz i was meaning to proof read and post but i got busy)

i get ur perspective but honestly ive never thought to view south park thru a sexism lense or to try to condemn them for it. its satire of female and male celebrities is equally scathing, the men are depicted as similarly vapid and irritating. i don't think sp's history of mocking women is particularly targeted and nasty. as i said in my other post (which you sent me an additional anon about so i kno u read it), sp is about exaggerating things, not always accurately, to make a point. and sometimes that means portraying capable and normal women as, what, mid-00s MTV-type party girls? and sure, that's one of the many features of sp that's technically 'problematic', and the reason so many ppl have 'sp fans dni' on their blogs - but we're here, aren't we, watching this bastard show and trying to juggle watching it critically and enjoying the stupidity?

i dunno, im neutral towards meghan & harry, if anything i respect them, but i very rarely have actual firm opinions on the shit matt & trey choose to make fun of, and this was a situation where it was just their usual shitting all over their celebs of choice who i personally have very little opinion on, and i thought that what they were trying to say in the episode was good. sp's only ever been abt making an individual or group represent something, and then using it all as a way to bitch about a genre of prevalent stupidity. that's what this ep did. was it at the expense of a woc? yeah, and usually that'd be immediately condemnable, but matt and trey have pretty firmly made it clear they're in the "we can find stupidity ANYWHERE" libertarian boat. i have enough respect for them as satire-oriented comedy writers to believe that they're sufficiently capable of lacking bias or prejudice in who they mock, for the most part at least, and that's why i can't condemn them for it specifically. though i know that's very subjective, as im aware that lots of people don't think satire is clever and it's just thinly veiled bigotry. but i'd assume the majority of sp fans who actually care about the satirical plots would be attuned to where matt & trey are coming from.

im disliking the way im seeing south park fans on tumblr perceive episodes lately. people forget that it's a satirical show, and it goes so thoroughly over their heads. but ig thats what happens when smth develops a tumblr-type fanbase, and in this case it's at the expense of critical readings of a sometimes rather insightful show. but i digress. i rlly did think the first ep was terrible. this one at least had smth to say.

(update, as of 3/3: the most recent ep came out the other day and it was a tad boring but very much, again, fairly well-done satire. i didnt even check how ppl reacted to it tho, im not rlly caring lately tbh)

#anon

6 notes · View notes

aspd-culture · 2 years

Note

I really don't want to being this up with my therapist so I kinda wanted to vent here and ask you if this sounds like aspd.

Kinda a disclaimer I have Aspergers, ADHD and depression diagnosed as well as trauma from being hospitalised (psych ward) quite young also big ass trigger warning

The thing is I relate heavily to all if the symptoms like I can place them personally onto myself and things I do.

I've been a serial liar since I was child, ppl irl even now don't ken the the real me I've spun a web of lies ab myself, nothing of great grandeur, just to cover up the tracks of things I don't want ppl to know as well as I enjoy lying frankly

I have low empathy, i always kinda have done. I've never really felt that pain I just can't muster the energy to give a fuck, I really don't fucking care, like that's a you problem it doesn't concern me nor does it threaten me so I don't care.

I've never felt remorse for my actions I feel like if I harm someone, lie, or manipulate them they kinda deserve it and ik that they probably didn't but they hurt me or they hurt my image or my reputation so they have to pay, they have to know that I have that power over them.

I often get violent urges and thoughts, most of the time in the form of a day dream if sorts. TW but I really wanna beat someone into a pulp esp if they thought I was weak or they doubted me/angered me. I often ponder the question to myself that if I did kill or harm someone like that would I feel something or would I get a similar feeling to when I fantasize ab it, would it scar me for life? Would I realise I was wrong? I mostly do this to try ground myself as I've gotten in some rlly nasty fights before because it ended up being all I could think about.

I've broken the law many times either through selling, buying or doing drugs. Shoplifting and pickpocketing (haven't been caught yet ab any of these ones) as well as multiple charges of assault.

I lie to people I consider my friends about caring ab their problems or opinions and I can't keep friends for particularly long unless their drug buddies

However I think I can feel love in a romantic/sexual sense but I think most of my past relationships have been nothing but obsession mixed with the fact I like having someone who cares that much ab me and I like having a lot of sex. Like I need you to be mines, if they even mention they find another person attractive then i just want to fucking maim someone. You can only be mines until I get bored of you. Then as soon as I get bored all feelings towards them cease and I gotta fake that I'm upset.

I do a lot of things that are considered "morally bankrupt" according to my therapist but I always feel like I'm not a bad person, I just can't let people know I do bad person things.

Sorry for the vent

Alrighty gotta start this off with a real quick boundary about a term you used. Please do not use the term Asperger's when talking to me (ideally, not at all). It is a literal N*zi's name. I also hate the aspie supremacy aspect of it, but honestly that's not my main issue with it, my main issue is that term literally means "not disabled enough by their autism to be gassed so let's give them to our freakshow n*zi doctor so he can experiment on them until they die that way". Thanks. /nmay just frustrated by the use of the term. I know not everyone knows.

That said, I am still ok with answering the rest of the ask for you. I cannot diagnose you, and anything I say here is really just info I'd advise you to take to your therapist, not a way of avoiding talking to them about it.

One major part of ASPD that you didn't mention at all in your ask is disregard for safety/wellbeing of yourself; you just mentioned others. PwASPD not only have trouble avoiding putting others in danger, but themselves too. We tend to get ourselves into situations we can't easily get out of, start fights we know we can't win or haven't considered if we could win, etc.

Another big thing that I noticed in your ask is an egocentric way of thinking and speaking that is not super common in ASPD. Arrogance is an associated trait, but usually people I've talked to with ASPD have a more complicated relationship with the justification for the things they do (justifying to yourself to avoid responsibility is actually a symptom of ASPD) as well as with their self-esteem. That said, many of the symptoms you're talked about here definitely do seem to match up with some of the criteria...

I wonder if it's possible you relate to the symptoms of either just NPD or both ASPD and NPD? I am by no means an expert in NPD and I don't know you particularly well but just answering basing off of the wording of your ask and such I would advise you do research into that as well as ASPD. They can be comorbid. In fact, because the way that cluster b disorders develop are all relatively similar (trauma and failure to develop a secure attachment style), it's somewhat common to have more than one of them.

I hope this helps.

#tw asperger #tw ableist language #tw ableist term #tw n zi #tw n zi mention #tw antisemitism #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually antisocial #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd #aspd awareness #aspd traits #npd #anons welcome #tw violence mention #tw violent thoughts

3 notes · View notes

dal22nd · 1 year

Text

no rlly, to my twin? soulmate? enemy?

hi baby!!! did ya miss me!!!

yeah, look... i bet ur ass watched the video below first out of curiosity (or not?) but hey!!! i'll try keep it brief and short like a sbar for u, bbg...

i just thought i'd kinda crossover with a tumblr blog, yanno... since we don't rlly aff anymore and so all i could do is fucking make a tumblr blog abruptly to compensate for how stupid i was last year for fucking up ur birthday when U literally make it in time every SINGLE time??? bro... i... am still dwelling over that...

but...

happy 22nd birthday, dalena!!! <3333 ur finally old, like actually old??? and knowing u, i bet ur extremely excited for the new events and challenges to find u, like i bet ur ass is about to explode in excitement like yeah!!! come at me, 22!!! u piece of shit!!! i'm gonna be rich at the age of 22!!@@@@@@!! ok, but in all seriousness, we're spending ur second birthday together!!! <: i'm so glad we made it so far, but i'm also dumbfounded yet pleasantly surprised at how it's ONLY been two years??? it feels like more, but looking back at the memories we made makes it feels like it's too less??? if that makes sense??? replaying our old videos and reminiscing our old photos made me realise how much more i'd love to stick by u and do more dumb yet cute things together??? i want to explore parts of the world with u with laughs and giggles like we always do, and even go on dates with our future boyfies together one day... like there's just so much to accomplish and left to do with u, and i'm so honoured and happy to have somebody to do everything with!!! i think i'm incredibly lucky to just have u come across my mind immediately when i think of wanting to do things, because i know so many people who lack that particular person in their lives,,, sure, it can be their significant other or a member of their family but truly, i believe that a friendship like ours is quite rare and special?? if i could flex something of mine, u would literally be the first thing (yeah, thing) without a doubt,,, <3

i've always shielded myself from judgement by feigning nonchalance most times (as u would know.. or gaslight..) and never really disclosed details about myself or inner feelings to anyone out there, which includes my family, but towards u???? i feel exposed at times to the point it makes me trip over me and my own deep thoughts; but i've always concluded that it's never actually a bad feeling, it's more so a foreign feeling... i would've never chose to do this alone, but it's because u!!! are the person who drew me out to be more true about myself!!! u hold the capability of doing so because you've grown up that way, u observe carefully and ask what's right and know what's right---you're intelligent, u read people and ur confident about urself, hence why ur able to do such magical things---like sure, i don't hold any power to stamp and validate the fact that this is the exact reason why u are the definition of perfection, etcetera, but i strongly think that's the essence to why i'm unknowingly happy to open up towards u, and i'm sure it's not just me who feels this way anyway?? i exaggerate it all the time, but i'm never too fancy with words irl nor am i as expressive irl, i just fucking cry like a mf pussy and call it a day since i'm poor at mustering and conveying my thoughts as whole when i'm put into the situation... idk if anything i said makes sense, but whenever i'm facing an opportunity to be more truthful towards u, that's the first thing i always want to mention (man.. ur gonna see how many times i'm repeating this shit after seeing smth else later..)

also, not to mention, ur so god damn giving??? is that a fucking word??? generous??? yeah??? humble??? u never fail to amaze me when ur acting upon smth, ur always taking a step ahead of others and never doing anything that makes u look petty whatsoever?? u take initiative and demonstrate what a good deed is, and sometimes i can't help but to feel little when u live up to doing something so generous and nice,,, i think abt how i should repay u and also how i can thank u except ur always going ???wtf u gay ass cockroach??? but really, i never stopped thinking this ever since i met u cus like... who tf buys a total stranger (who could literally be a fucking murderer in disguise) a hoodie, two albums and food at first encounter??? like i tell u now, if i can tell my child about my most shocked moments in life, that'd have to be one... i know u always make urself up to be not the kindest person, but to me ur literally top notch when it comes to consideration and kindness---like how ur always taking a step forward to take care of me in all situations, giving me a listening ear at all times, making sure i'm always safe, accompanying me to places, driving me back home, agreeing to any idea i have and being happy for anything i achieve---you're a bundle of positive energy anyone would love, it's just that the only problem is that no one truly deserves you unless they're fucking godly or smth... (inner thought: am i god?) see.. like ur so fucking nice to the point i occasionally think,,, are we rlly that similar or is she just fucking matching up w me to make it look like we're similar cus she's just that fucking nice??? LIKE GAWD.... i mean... i hope it's not that...

ok, jfc, i feel like i'm actually going to babble all day long so i need to pack my shit up and realise this day isn't going on for the rest of the year... to sum everything up tho, i really really really appreciate you, dalena!!! like so much, and i cherish u a whole lot more than anyone---i can't imagine how boring life would be without u now, and ur literally my ride to die atp... i apologise in advance for thinking of u so highly cus now i feel like u might be like GAWD... there's a fucking parasite on me... how do i cut ties... but yeah, now i need to fucking find a man that's as compatible to me like u are which is gonna be a whole fucking challenge, huh :)))) </3 but REALLY REALLY, i'm not the ***best*** friend nor am i as considerate as u, but i hope i' haven't been too fucking dumb and immature i'm bearable to have around on days u feel like u just want a friend to hang with, hehe... T_T <333 i love love love u, ma angel...

from... ur dad (aru)

0 notes

lotus-flowerz · 3 years

Text

Kazuha X Reader

kazuha x gn!reader

hurt/comfort

TW!! FEELINGS OF HOPELESSNESS, EXHAUSTION, CRYING

a/n- hi guys, i'm so sorry for the buildup of requests. i'm genuinely struggling right now and i set this blog aside for a bit. this fic is rlly self indulgent, i based it off of whats happening to me and what i would want to hear so i'm sorry for that. your requests should all be done by sunday. thanks for your patience!

f/n= friend name

Tired. That's the only word you can hear as you run yourself dry for others. Advice here, getting yelled at there. You've been spread so thin and on top of that the amount of work you have is piling up on you.

You were sitting there, zoned out, as one of your friends once again gets mad at you for something. You looked up at them, eyes heavy with exhaustion weighing on them.

"You were supposed to-"

"F/n. I need to go do my commissions. Shall we continue later?"

"Wait- I'm not done-"

"Great. I'll see you later."

And with that, you wandered out of Inazuma City, leaving your friend stunned behind you.

You didn't have a destination in mind, but you found yourself wandering towards Chinju Forest. You usually went there when you were stressed, the dark but calm atmosphere, the faint scent of sakura blooms all around you, it was calming.

You settled against a large tree and sighed. You buried your face in your hands, wanting nothing more than to sleep. But instead, you found yourself crying uncontrollably.

All of this is just too much. I can't fucking handle it-

"Y/n."

You jumped slightly, startled by the calm voice.

"Y/n, it's just me. Is something the matter?"

You looked up at Kazuha's fiery orange eyes, filled with nothing but love and concern for you, and it made the tears spill all over again.

He sat down beside you, pulling you into him.

In an attempt to calm you down, he began to hum something. A soft song, that sounded as light as the wind. You found yourself slowing down and breathing easier. The crying was subduing as you closed your eyes and leaned your head against his shoulder.

"Would you like to talk about it, Y/n?"

You took a breath.

"It's all too much. Why am I everyone else's punching bag? Why am I everyone's therapist? Why can't I ever seem to do anything right? Why do I feel guilt for standing up for myself? Why is all this work piling up and no matter how much I do I'm never fucking done?"

"My love, it seems you have so many questions and yet no answers. Sadly, I do not have most of them either. I can say this though; those who love you will show it when you're at your lowest."

"What does that mean, Kazuha?"

"People take out their anger on those who feel safest. Those who will not fight back. Although they feel safe with you, those people do not love you. Why? Because if they did, they would not be the cause of these."

He paused to wipe your tears from your cheeks with his thumbs.

"Those who love you will consider your feelings too. They will treat you as a human. Not a therapist. Because you are not one. You do not owe anyone your wisdom or advice. You do not owe people your time. And most of all, you do not have an obligation to help them, especially if they are too reliant on you."

"I just don't want to disappoint anyone. If I don't get everything done that I need to, or-"

"You're not disappointing those who love you. You don't need to get everything done at once. Breathe with me, okay?"

He stroked your hair as you two sat in silence, the song of the wind combing through the trees and the sound of his steady breathing helping you steady your own calming you down.

"There is no rush, Y/n. Things will be fixed and people will reveal their true selves to you, all in good time. And I will comfort you all you need until the end of time. I promise."

"I love you, Kazuha." you said, tearing up.

He wiped your falling tear away.

"Now, now, angel. No need for tears, I've got you. Just breathe. I love you too, my dear. Now rest, I will watch over you."

You climbed into his lap and he wrapped his arms around you. You laid your head against his chest and fell asleep to the sound of his faint humming and calm heartbeat, finally feeling secure and protected for the first time in so long.

#genshin comfort #kazuha comfort #kazuha fluff #kazuha x reader #kazuha #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #kazuha kaedehara

239 notes · View notes

wh6res · 4 years

Text

dreams come true | yuta

"soulmate or not. i don't shoot blanks." — ny

[ part of the my bloody valentine collection ]

tw. gore, blood, murder, death, killings, mentions of illegal organ trafficking, violence, mentions of stalking, minor character deaths, weapons (a knife and a gun), almost (??) suggestive content but nothing happened

disc. this is rlly fucked up and yuta is unredeemable. i dont condone such acts. this is all a work of fiction and meant to entertain.

wc. 5k

every time you sleep, the void is sickening. it was all you could see, lightyears and lightyears away of pitch black that made your head dizzy and your stomach dry heave. you've always wondered when you'll start dreaming about your soulmate's memories. they were like little secrets, another way for two people to be intimate without even being together. their days were flashing before their soulmate's eyes in the form of a dream. it's as if you spent the day with them!

you loved it, the whole concept of it. it sounded so wholesome and sweet and jesus fucking christ, you've always been such a hopeless romantic.

it was sweet until it turned sour. you loved it until you hated it. it was romantic until it turned downright terrifying.

you wake up covered in cold sweat, panting and gasping as if you've run a whole marathon.

moonlight seeps through your glass window, slightly left ajar for the midnight breeze to pass through – you walk up to it, pull it shut, and draw your thick curtains together. you exhaled, breath shaking as you tried to anchor yourself back to the ground.

with the only source of your light disappearing, darkness envelops you whole. for once, you craved the void. you want that void back if it meant never seeing something like that again – something straight out of your worst nightmare.

"119, what's your emergency?"

"uhm, i think… i think i just witnessed a massacre."

you reiterate everything you saw in the dream – the mahogany door, paint chipping off the drywalls. the doorknob was rusty, so were the hinges, and it made an ominous creak when pushed open. the light switches on, the first you see was a bunch of dirty ice coolers in what should've been the living room, it wasn't even the slightest bit organized. they were everywhere, and the floor looked grimy and disgusting, like there's a stain they can't seem to scrub off. only when your soulmate has stalked closer did you see the labels haphazardly taped on top of the ice coolers.

kidneys. livers. lungs. pancreas. intestines – you nearly vomited on the floor, trying to relay everything you saw to the operator on the other end of the call.

then came the gruesome parts.

their deaths.

they were five people in total. men clad in cheap t-shirts and pants, wearing all these similar leather jackets. some were well-built, ripped in the arms and thighs, but some were skinny, the jackets hanging on their small frames.

they never stood a chance against him.

your soulmate is agile, quick on his feet with outstanding eye-hand coordination. only equipped with a butcher's knife, but it was all he needed to take them down and send them knocking on inferno's gates. he was skilled, knowing when to pounce and where to slash his knife to maim but never to kill. by the time your soulmate was through with them, everything is bloody red. all the victims' eyes widened as they sputtered and choked on their blood – not dead, but dying...

because your soulmate wasn't done yet.

a killer should have a modus operandi, should they not? so he took out a desert eagle, stood before the bleeding bodies, and shot two bullets straight into their eyes. the finishing touch? carving a frown on their faces with his butcher's knife.

the operator only told you one thing after she's made you describe the place for them to track the crime scene down.

"double-check all your windows and doors."

because you couldn't be too sure, not when you have been granted a front seat to the sad face slayer's most recent endeavors.

the detective eyes you with a certain pity. maybe that's why you don't bother meeting his eyes. you sit still on a chair, camera blinking red behind him, the interrogation room is freezing even with the thick jacket you're wearing.

seven billion people in the world and you're soulmate's a ruthless serial killer who took it upon himself to purge the world of evildoers – he was playing god, no wonder the detective is looking at you like that.

"uhh…" he's awkward, fidgeting in his seat. "and you saw this all in a dream?"

"yes."

you've known him only minutes ago. mark lee was his name and he seems to be a subordinate of a higher, more experienced detective named kim doyoung. you don't know whether to feel offended or not for having a doe-eyed newbie taking care of the case, but you pushed it at the back of your mind, knowing his superior is watching on the other side of the two-way mirror.

"did you have, like, other past instances where you dreamt of him? of what he…" mark looked like he was going to throw up. "what he does to his other victims?"

you shook your head. no. "i've mostly just heard of him on the news. i don't think i have the stomach to find out in-depth what the killer does."

mark takes out a folder, features walking the fine white line between looking apologetic or wanting to say me too. "i'm, uhh, really sorry to hear that."

there's a sudden pregnant silence encapsulating the interrogation room. it felt like you were mourning for something, the chains of dread dragging your heart to the ground as it pounded against your ribcage. mark looked like he wanted to say something, but you swore his eyes darted towards the camera in the corner and decided otherwise.

"anyway…" he trails. flipping the folder open in one swift motion. "past sightings have given us the sad face slayer's name."

he slaps down a picture of a man, his hair raven and a permanent scowl etched on his face. the quality was shitty. it looked like it was a screenshot taken from zoomed-in cctv footage.

"nakamoto yuta, twenty-five, japanese, and has slipped one too many times past authorities that at this point, it's practically a talent."

and just like that, it made sense why you're here.

your lips pursed in contemplation, palms quaking as your fingers reach forward to inspect your soulmate's picture. "and… you want to use my soulmate connection –" you glowered. never had a sentence sounded so fucking cursed and utterly wrong. "– to catch him?"

mark can't look you in the eye. "yes. he's very elusive. his killings have been happening cross-country and, as you can see, have garnered national media attention. the police are hanging by a thread here. a month in his case and all we got is his MO, name, and that he has this weird god complex on him. if we can't catch him by the end of next month…" he shrugs. "the feds are going to interfere, sooner or later."

"so…" you trail, urging him to continue.

"so, we need as much information about him as we can get and your dreams about him will be able to provide that."

fucking great.

the much newer revelations of precisely who it was on the other end of the soulmate connection put a significant damper on your mood. you'd like to think your new little cop buddy who follows you around gives you the least bit sense of security, but alas, it doesn't. not when you've seen first hand how yuta took down five men all at once without breaking a fucking sweat – you absolutely refuse to call him your soulmate, you'd never accept a person with his nature as a soulmate.

you try to hide the bracelet mark handed you last two weeks ago, during your time spent in the precinct's interrogation room.

"please have this on you at all times until we catch him, okay? this is for extra measures, just in case something happens to the cop assigned to guard you. just press the little button here and we'll be there before you can even finish shouting 'help!' – hey, i was just kidding! what's with the face?"

considering you're now probably being hunted alive for snitching on a serial killer? mark lee, that was not funny at all.

"do you have to get inside the lecture with me?" you whine, shielding your face with your hair when you notice people shooting glances at the rather handsome cop they assigned to you. "it's not like he'll attack in broad daylight! and in a fucking classroom, for that matter."

jaehyun looks just about ready to hurl you out the window. "lower down your voice," he scolds. "serial killers don't pick a time and place, sweetheart. he kills when necessary and if it's fucking necessary to murder everyone in that classroom to get to you? he'll do it in a fucking heartbeat."

you sigh when the chair next to you screeches against the floor, the aforementioned male taking his seat right next to you. jaehyun felt more like a babysitter than a cop, who seems to have a habit of constantly inputting his not-even-needed opinions on the most superficial things.

are witness protection protocols like this?

it was a good thing that overgrown bat doesn't come hanging around in your apartment, but he does have the police car parked right across the building's entrance. judging by how meticulous and thorough he seems to be, he won't miss any face that comes in and out of the building.

you didn't forget exactly why you're under witness protection. for the cops to waste one good officer to follow you around, you needed to be valuable and being valuable meant sleeping through nightmare-induced dreams of what your soulmate does for a living. the scenes are so gruesome, so graphic and utterly gory, that you dart towards the bathroom first thing after waking up in cold sweat, draining all of dinner down the toilet bowl.

after dreaming of him in action a few times, you've now completely understood what detective lee had said regarding yuta's god complex. it was unsightly, yet there was a twisted sense of heroism to it. if there's one thing, he only gutted the bad guys – but that didn't make nakamoto yuta any less of a bad guy, himself.

i need to ask you a favor [sent 2:05am]

JJH: what? [received 2:10am]

often the nightmares were too much. too much that you thought of escaping its horrors by never getting a wink of sleep ever again – until you realized you're a witness and is probably the only chance for the seoul police department to catch that bastard.

buy me sleeping pills? [read 2:08am]

when you peep out of the window, you find an empty spot across the road where jaehyun usually parks the police car. twenty minutes later, you answer the knocking on your door. he used that little "code" he did for you to know it was him. jaehyun was glowering and muttering about how he wasn't some errand boy when he shoved the plastic bottle in your hand yet, you still thanked him nonetheless.

the pills worked like a charm. you managed to stay asleep throughout the whole night, ceasing those episodes of yours where you jolt awake in the middle of dreaming about the sad face slayer's memories.

life continued for you. it became a little bearable, but that didn't mean the horrific murders you see in your dreams are something you can get used to – you don't think you'll ever get used to the sight of him slashing his victims, the blood trickling like a goddamned waterfall.

today the dreams were different. anticlimactic, per se, if you compare it to the violence so utterly present in his memories.

the first you see were black gates, then it shifted to him ordering coffee in a café (amazing what a simple black mask can hide). it switched to him walking on a sidewalk, then he arrives at his destination, an apartment building – it wasn't too rundown, nor was it extravagant.

the serial killer takes the elevator and walks up to a mahogany door –

your room number is a blaring sight.

you couldn't be wrong, not when the 506 with the missing zero in the middle was a sight you saw every day, going and coming home from university.

that was your front door.

he was at your front door.

you jolt awake, ignoring the icky feel of sweat making your clothes cling onto your skin. ice creeps up your spine and freezes you over when you notice with a sinking realization.

those black gates are from the university you attended. that café is your favorite study nook. and that sidewalk is a route you take every day.

you clamp your hands on your mouth as tears roll down your cheeks in rivulets. you pull the comforters up above your head, fear gripping onto you with a vice-like grip as you sob.

it was in the dead of night, moonlight grazing the confines of your room and hours away from dusk. you finally utter those three words in a frightened whisper.

"he's stalking me."

as if having the overgrown bat jaehyun following and annoying you around wasn't enough, you now have another person keeping watch over you. mark lee, unlike jaehyun, may not be as ripped with muscle, but you heard from your cop buddy that the young detective has a few black belts under him. people at the precinct said that if they have to choose one person who can ever come close to the sad face slayer's agility, mark lee's your guy.

"you gotta be shitting me," you mutter, leaning close to jaehyun to whisper like high school girls talking about gossip. "he doesn't look the type!"

jaehyun, in turn, plays along and copies you. "yeah, true. he gets that a lot, i think,"

"guys, i'm literally in the back seat. i can hear everything."

the change hadn't been too drastic. at least mark was there when jaehyun proved to be difficult, pulling him towards the other way when the older male tried waltzing into your class again. "you don't need to sit next to her in her class! are you serious? there's one exit and entrance and we're on the fifth floor. breaking into that classroom will be the end of nakamoto's serial killer career!"

you shoot mark an appreciative smile, one he quickly returned before hauling jaehyun around the hallway. "we'll just be at the canteen, okay? press the 'lil button on your bracelet and we'll be right there!"

shaking your head with a slight smile on your face, you entered the classroom, sat in your usual spot, and did some of your readings from our other class to kill time. you hardly hear the screech of the chair next to you as it was pulled back. not like you cared much for whoever sat down next to you, but you can't deny there's that feeling of missing jaehyun when he used to force his way into the lecture.

"settle down! settle down, people!"

the professor enters and the class begins.

you were meticulous with your note-taking system. it's thorough, leaving no room for information to slip you. having already printed hard copies of the powerpoint presentation and simply jotting down some extra key points mentioned by your professor.

you were just about to raise your hand for a question when you feel something warm graze past your arm. you absentmindedly look down.

the breath is sucked right out of your lungs.

hi, soulmate

there, scribbled with an ominous red crayon on a small piece of paper. it was almost laughable how innocent it looked but when you follow the ring-clad hand, up the black hoodie he's wearing, and finally to his face—

"hi! i'm yuta."

his cheshire smile spikes up your heartbeat. it makes you want to throw up, makes you want to slam your head against the desk. the fight or flight hormone you have is making you restless, eyes pinned on the serial killer sitting next to you, scared that if you avert your gaze, he's going to take out that desert eagle and shoot you until your skull caves in and the bullets in his magazine empties.

"but judging by your reaction, i don't think introductions are needed, hm?" his tone is easy, conversational even and it shoots a freezing jolt of fear right up your spine. it makes you sweat profusely because you don't fucking know what to do, your thoughts in complete and utter disarray.

"just press the little button here and we'll be there before you can even finish shouting 'help!' – hey, i was just kidding! what's with the face?" you swallow, sneakily pressing the button without breaking eye contact with the serial killer sitting in front of you.

"look upfront. now." yuta orders and you nearly snap your neck as you turn your head with lightning speed.

"i thought i was above the soulmate rules, but here we are. my soul is either too tainted or too great to be tied to such trivial things, but oh well, we learn to work with what we have. surprisingly, i learned to like dreaming about how your day went."

you feel something sharp poking at your thigh and when you look down, he has a silver butterfly knife pointed against you. the precision of the angle he held it with doesn't slip your notice. one slice of that knife, no matter how small, and he'll be spilling your guts in this classroom.

a fat tear rolls down your face.

"can you imagine how much my heart broke when i learned you were spying on me? leaking information to that snobby detective? to those incompetent cops? bad baby, that was very bad of you."

"yuta—"

"you think the cops can save you from me?"

his other hand comes in contact with the nape of your neck, holding your head in place as he leaned down to invade your space. he scoffs, and you can picture that terrifying cheshire grin you've seen one too many times in your dreams.

the knife digs through your coat, the tip hardly poking your skin only because he doesn't want to drive it into you yet. how did he even manage to get inside the university? not to mention the weapons he possessed? shouldn't anyone be suspicious when they see a man dressed in all black, clad in jeans and a hoodie, into a university—

he even dressed the part. with that hood drawn up and carrying that one notebook, he looked fairly normal. someone who can easily blend in with the crowd.

you eye your professor, willing him to look at you but your soulmate is having none of that. you squirm when he drives the knife further, at the base of your stomach. with his other hand, he twirls a lock of hair around his finger. "now, now, soulmate. you don't want half the people here to get hurt, do you? unless... that can easily be arranged—"

"no!" you whisper, head jerking to the side to look at him humming in satisfaction. damn. out of all the faces he's seen contorted with fear, yours is his absolute favorite. with those pleading, glassy eyes and parted lips, yuta is tenting in his sweats.

"thought so," he chuckles. "let's get up. we're leaving. that old crook doesn't care if students just up and went in the middle of his lecture."

you don't want to think about how he even knew that because it implied attending the lectures a good amount of times. it's with sinking realization that jaehyun was right. if it weren't for him insisting to sit next to you, nakamoto yuta would've long gotten you in his claws.

you tried gathering your things until he purred into your ear.

"ah, ah, ah. you wouldn't be needing those with where we're going."

the hallways were empty, not that you had much time to scream for help when he had a knife pointed up your back, shoving you into the fire escape stairs. within the tranquil confines of the staircases, the sad face slayer couldn't fucking care less for your personal space.

he disgusts you greatly, he needn't do anything but stand there in front of you but you can already smell the long blood trail from his path. it reeks of rotting flesh and that infuriating god complex he had left a sour aftertaste.

"you know, i genuinely wanted to get to know you," yuta pouts, shaking the hoodie off his head. his hair raven, it's ends kissing the nape of his neck. he looked like he came right out of a shounen manga but the bloodlust in his eyes is something that can never be masked. "i detested the soulmate connection at first, i thought i should just kill you off because you could be my loose end."

his humorless smile is enough to give you nightmares.

"but seeing how sweetly normal and untainted you are made me hold back," the butterfly knife appears before your line of sight, yuta teasingly dragging the tip right down your cheek to trace your tears. "so, why did you snitch, baby?"

you shiver when he noses the side of your neck, inhaling your scent as his other hand hooks underneath your top, freezing fingers making you jolt. when you don't reply, his patience starts to dwindle. then again, he was never a patient man.

"answer me, you bitch. why did you rat me out?" gone is the playful lilt in his voice. the vibrations surge through you as his deep, demanding voice scares you shitless.

you feel, hear, and smell him everywhere. this wasn't like any nightmare. this is real, and you won't magically wake up on your bed, sighing in relief, knowing he isn't there, that it was all just in your head. no, this was very much real and there's absolutely no escape.

"i didn't," your voice cracks. "i didn't mean to—"

"bullshit!" he yells. you wail in pain when he slams you against the wall, head aching as it came in contact with concrete. "because of you betraying me, i nearly fucking got caught, and i never get caught!"

you were full out sobbing at this point, noisy and unsightly as the snot mixes with your tears. your only hope now is he gives you a quick, painless death and that he doesn't carve and mutilate your face like what he always does to his other poor victims. "i'm sorry! please... i'm so sorry. i was scared—"

he coos mockingly, tilting his head to the side as he inched his face closer. "aw, scared? my sweet little soulmate was scared?" he places the blade flat against your neck. as humiliating and degrading as it was, you almost peed on your clothes. "how about now? i'm sure as hell that you're fucking terrified for your useless life right now."

you cringe when his hand abandons the expanse of your stomach, no longer inching higher, finding its purchase on the hair sitting at the crown of your head. he holds you in place like that, forcing your head parallel against the wall, with his whole body pressing up to you that it's nearly suffocating.

"just one quick little slice," he taunts. you hiccuped when you feel the feathery light scrape of the blade moving against your skin. "you won't even have time to scream… but i'm sure we don't want that, do we?"

you forgot how to speak. forgot how to breathe. whenever your mind wanders, you've always thought about how you'll give this killer a piece of your mind, with the amount of fear and sorrow he inflicts upon other people. but you guess realities were a lot more different than expectations. the yuta you dreamed of meeting is in handcuffs, but fate is a fickle little thing.

"do we?" he repeats, slicing ever so slightly at your skin. enough to draw blood in droplets, never a waterfall.

"n – no."

he smiles. "you can make it up to me. do you want to make it up to me?"

the butterfly knife digs even further. a warning. and if you value your useless life, you should be smart enough to know what to answer. drawing a shaky breath, you tried forcing the ends of your lips up to a smile. "of course, yuta."

your voice breaks as your sobbing grips your body whole. the fear consuming your entire being like a parasite consuming the host. you would've shut down altogether if it weren't for the calloused hands gently gripping your face. "i know, i know. i see how regretful you are, baby. don't worry, i won't hurt you. you'll make it up to me."

anyone would be fucking stupid if you believe those words coming from a serial killer.

in your wrecked state, you barely register that he's pushing you down to your knees. skin coming in contact with the freezing linoleum floor as you refuse to look at what his hands are doing. yuta has pocketed his knife. the sound of a belt unbuckling in itself added insult to injury.

you stare blankly at his shoes as he shoves his bottoms down enough for his cock to show. if you squint hard enough, you'll see tiny splatters of blood in the shoelaces. whether or not he feels you're unresponsive, he doesn't show. maybe he doesn't care entirely. he takes one of your hands and used it to wrap around himself. he gasps, sharp, followed by a hiss.

you feel it throbbing and it strengthens the disgust you feel. no way you're going to give him the satisfaction of eye contact when you're already forced to blow this psycho.

"eyes up."

you sniffled, vulnerability present in the tone you speak. "i don't want to. please, don't make me."

if words alone aren't enough for you to follow orders, maybe you'll feel more motivated if held at gunpoint. it's unmistakable, the infamous desert eagle you've only seen in your nightmares. the last thing you ever expected is to be on the side where the bullet comes out.

the barrel is freezing as he digs it into the crown of your head. "soulmate or not. i don't shoot blanks."

your eyes looked up then. glaring as the tears rolled down your face. "you're a monster," you mutter under your breath. where you got the confidence to fight back is unknown.

"i've heard that before, be more creative next time," he holds your hair tight in one grip, shoving you forward, eye-level to his throbbing dick. "now… suck, baby."

"freeze!"

you knew that voice, you've been hearing it for the last two weeks. "jaehyun–!"

yuta cuts you off, shoving the gun into your mouth. the safety clicking off resonating in the tranquil room. it's deafening, and it makes you immobile.

"hands up. step away from the civilian." whether or not mark is nervous as he points the gun at the serial killer, he's doing a damn good job of hiding it.

yuta sighs, exasperated as he throws his head back. his raised arms came down to tuck himself back in his jeans, and the action made jaehyun's calm exterior crack. "i said, hands up, asshole!"

"chill out, motherfucker. i'm just trying to wear my pants." the serial killer hisses, glaring at jaehyun over his shoulder.

"mark, call back up already. what are you doing?" jaehyun mutters, side-eyeing the young detective whose gun shakes as he holds it up. the taller cop takes a step forward, eyes never leaving the notorious killer as he addresses you curtly. "(name), come here."

just as you plant your palms to the ground to push yourself up, one of yuta's hands shoves you down quick as lightning. "no. she stays here, with me."

jaehyun scowls, takes another step forward. "and what makes you think i'm going to let that happen?"

"i don't think. i know."

there's a constant ring in your ear as the gunshot temporarily renders you deaf. you've shut your eyes in utter fright, hands shooting up to cover your ears but it was too late. you refuse to open your eyes, you didn't want to see a dead body lying before you, even if it belonged to a heartless serial killer.

but when your eyes fluttered open, it's not yuta bleeding out on the ground.

"no, this can't be – jaehyun!"

it was a bullet straight to the head, no one could've survived a shot like that. his eyes are empty as he stares at you, unblinking, stoic. the color is yet to drown away from his milky complexion. but you can't even manipulate yourself into thinking that jaehyun's still alive. not when his eyes are empty, not when he just looks so lifeless.

it couldn't have been yuta who pulled the trigger.

his weapons were on the ground and the shot rang too fast. the sad face slayer couldn't have crouched down for his gun to shoot the cop, it would've taken too much time. and among the three men, there's only another person holding a weapon, and that was –

"great shot, mark."

the detective smiles, but with the blood splattered on his face, it looked cold. "told ya i've been practicing."

yuta hauls you up by the arms, addicted to how frail your body feels as it collapses against him. he's finally got his little soulmate in his arms. and he will never, ever let you go.

the cops lost – you've lost.

yuta, with a sense of victory coursing through his veins, took the liberty of trailing little pecks down your neck as he mutters, "mine, mine, mine!" but you couldn't care less about his display of mocked affection. not when the other person meant to protect you, turned out to be everything you think he wasn't.

mark must've felt the gravity of your stare as he crouches before jaehyun's bleeding body. grabbing the fallen cop's gun, he took it upon himself to empty the magazine. the lopsided grin he sends you broke your resolve more than yuta ever could.

"i'm sorry. it's nothing personal."

645 notes · View notes

everseeking · 4 years

Note

hello!! It's your relief story anon!!! i friken love what you wrote!!! may i have another request 🥺 similar to the relief story, Levi's s/o gets into a near death experience right in front of him and he freezes for the first time. everyone's super shocked abt it after the mission and he gets reprimanded just for formalities (erwin n hanji rlly just wanna check up on him personally) but they all understand since he's been through a lot. Levi can't deal with his emotions and he wants to say i love you to his s/o (first time saying it) but he doesn't know how and yes HAHAHAHA

- OMG HI AGAIN ! IM SO HAPPY THAT YOU ENJOYED IT THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!! thank you again not only for requesting that, but also for requesting again, it’s so awesome when u guys come back and request more :) plus your ideas are always so great. i had a lot of fun writing this, i hope u enjoy <3 (and i got your second message tysm for adding it ! i tried to include as much fluff as possible but my dumb brain always defaults to angst hahaha)

how to say i love you

- levi ackerman x reader

warnings: season 2 and ova spoilers (if you haven’t watched the ova’s yet they’re on youtube but this only references ‘a choice with no regrets’ aka levi’s ova)

levi has never had...feelings for anyone before.

the romantic kind, of course. he's felt plenty of things towards people on a regular basis—anger. hate. disgust. confusion. annoyance. frustration.

to be fair he has had the occasional friend, or the occasional person who he respected, and others who he flat out wanted to protect. just never anything romantic.

this didn’t bother him, falling in love wasn’t his top priority or anything. his life has been one traumatic experience after the other. there was no time for him to be romantically involved with another, nor was he willing to take the risk of potential heartbreak that would add to his constantly growing list of traumatic events.

when he first met y/n l/n he acknowledged her as nothing more than another member of the survey corps. someone he would work with. someone he would train with. someone who he would give orders to if deemed necessary. someone who would join his team. someone he would slowly become more curious about. someone who would bring him feelings that he couldn't describe in words.

his plans had clearly gone astray.

y/n was supposed to be nothing more than a colleague, but somehow fate had much more in store. the young girl began to appear more and more in his life and before he could even process it, she was already apart of his team.

now that the they were spending almost everyday together, along with the rest of his team, levi had the opportunity to try to solve the mystery that was y/n.

there was something that he felt about her that he couldn't put into words. the way she was determined to save humanity and her friends, the way she poured everything she had into everything she did, the way she was strong in every aspect of the word, the way she got along with the rest of the team, the way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she spoke, the way she moved, all of it. it all encapsulated him.

what is this emotion ? fascination ? curiosity ? these words weren’t completely right, but they safe enough for him to settle on for now.

yes, that's all. the brat just makes me curious because i don't understand her.

at least, that's what he told himself. but the tingles that remained on his skin from the place where she accidentally brushed up against him or the way his stomach felt after his eyes met hers or the way he noticed himself always wanting to be near her or the way he wanted to protect her more than anything in the world, said otherwise.

whatever message he wanted to send probably definitely was not passed on. when y/n accidentally brushed up against him he snapped back "watch it." when she made eye contact with him, it was more her meeting his eyes and him seemingly glaring back. when he took a few steps towards her to be closer, she felt paranoid, wondering if he was determining whether or not he should scold her for something. when she was on missions and he occasionally had to step in and save her tail, she felt like she was slacking.

truthfully in all these situations levi just resorted back to his true nature. he never meant any harm so clearly he wasn’t the best at expressing his feelings. henceforth, the three word phrase was foreign to him.

after all the many challenges that came with trying to understand each other, the couple finally got together. but despite being together, neither had said the 'L word’ yet.

to be honest, y/n hadn’t dwelled on it too much. she had learned the best way to survive mentally was to live in the moment. when the time would come, the time would come, however, the thought that time wasn’t a guarantee gnawed at the back of her brain. she always wondered how levi felt about the matter, but never got around to asking. little did he know he’d once again find out for himself that time wasn’t a guarantee.

just like every other day, y/n awoke to levi placing a kiss on her forehead. he wished nothing more than to let the love of his life sleep late into the morning in their shared bed, safe from the dangers of the world, but there was another mission today in which he needed her by his side.

the plan was to head to the outskirts of wall rose to a forest that was known to be surrounded by titans. hanji convinced erwin to let her try to capture titans in the forest again, as it all but worked on the female titan. erwin agreed, not only because he too believed the survey corps had all the materials necessary to capture titans again, but also because he knew the scouts needed more real time practice in the forest. levi wasn’t happy to hear the commander refer to this as “practice,” since so many lives were guaranteed to be lost in the process, but there was nothing he could do about it.

with everyone’s approval and the preparations complete, they were off. the ride there had been as close to smooth sailing as possible, with erwin successfully rerouting the troops to avoid as many unnecessary collisions with titans as possible and a surprisingly low amount of abnormals in their path. but everyone knew the real problems would be up ahead.

in this area, the titans were mainly surrounding the thick trees in the forest. it wasn’t too far from the forest where they encountered the female titan so the layout of the jungle was fairly similar. a large path ran straight through the trees, leaving the scouts lots of opportunities.

before the forest itself came into view, the hoard otherworldly creatures showed up. the crowd of titans didn’t seem to be too bad, with none surpassing ten meters. a bit of the outer edges of the formation took a hit, but everyone else made it into the woods unscathed.

unlike the last time levi’s squad was in the forest, their objective was not to be the bait. instead, they were to take to the trees and be on clean up duty. it was a little different from their normal clean up duty, as they weren’t doing chores around the castle or cabin—they were eliminating stray titans. the survey corps was only prepared to capture two titans, so any others that entered needed to be exterminated.

they weren’t the only ones with this job, but erwin placed them as the last hoop the titans had to get through before they were captured. any titans that escaped the first few groups were more likely than not going to be challenging, so they needed to be left with the most talented squad.

the eight scouts that made up levi’s squad traveled the path that cut through the forest until they found the four trees in which they were to set up camp. levi and jean were on the first tree, armin and sasha on the one across from them, connie and mikasa on the next, and y/n and eren on the fourth. the formation placed y/n and levi diagonal from each other so they could each defend half of the younger scouts in their squad if necessary, as well as had the team in pairs that weren’t often together for even more practice.

the ground rumbled beneath the group as they looked down to see the first wave of soldiers acting as bait pass through. after some time and a few more waves, including hanji and erwin who were in charge of the traps, everyone passed through and the titans came into sight.

the ground troops had all reported that no abnormals or titans above ten meters made it in so they all relaxed—or relaxed as one can be when they’re facing man-eating giants. levi recognized the last troop passing through and gave his second in command a nod which she returned, letting everyone else know it was show time.

the rumbling of the ground from the horses before was nothing compared to that of the titans. not counting the first two, there were nine titans in all. everyone gave a silent thanks to the squads who had narrowed down the hoard before it arrived to them.

finally, the first two titans ran past the trees levi’s squad was hidden in, chasing the ground troops. with a loud “now !” from levi, the rest of them deployed from their hiding places. thanks to the squad’s impeccable teamwork and countless hours of training in forests closer to home, the remaining seven titans were taken out without a hitch. y/n couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride as she watched her team improve with every mission and it was obvious they all felt the same way. the way they beamed and had to hold back their celebration was as a clear as day.

the team regrouped, with y/n checking the younger members for any life threatening wounds and levi double checking all the titans were taken care of. she had just finished examining sasha when levi came back and announced the next step of today’s plan. everyone was to head forward to meet the other troops and aid in getting the titans back to the walls. although the titans may be secured, there were still infinite possibilities for catastrophes that could happen so they needed all the backup they could get. the young cadets nodded in agreement then followed after levi as he took to the sky, with y/n tailing the rest of the group. if y/n and levi weren’t side by side during missions, this was always the formation everyone fell into. levi led the way, protecting the front of the party, and she acted as the caboose to make sure no one got left behind as well as to protect them from the back.

after a few failed tricks from eren as he tried to show off with his gear and a quick scolding from levi, the rest of the scouts came into view. the mission appeared to be a success. the final two titans were both apprehended, one nailed to the ground and the other bound in the air.

squad levi landed and began to greet everyone but didn’t get very far when hanji’s squeals flooded everyone’s ears.

the scientist was practically bouncing up and down as she came over. “squad levi ! all in one piece, i see. let me show you what we’ve done,” she gushed, ushering all of them towards the titans.

it was no surprise she was so excited. she had been waiting for this day to arrive for ages, but levi still gave a quick “tch,” under his breath out of annoyance which forced y/n to cover her mouth with her palm to stifle a laugh.

the eight, now nine, of them cranned their necks up to see the side of the beast that was hammered into the ground. the sight would’ve been cruel if it were anything other than a titan, but remembering all the pain they’ve brought to each one of them, no one did so much as bat an eye. returning the focus back to hanji, everyone watched as she took a sharp inhale to prepare for her long ramble about how everything worked. lucky for y/n, before hanji could exhale, levi grabbed his partner’s arm and pulled her away.

he pulled her close so he could whisper in her ear, “come on, let’s go find erwin.”

as much as she wanted to argue with him and tell him he was being mean, she really didn’t want to listen to hanji’s spiel that she had heard a million times over. a tiny pang of guilt struck y/n for leaving the other half of the squad behind forced to listen to her, but sometimes everyone has to take one for the team.

she threw a quick wave over her shoulder to the others, then followed levi, who was still holding her arm, as he dragged her through the crowd of other scouts who were just floating around, waiting for orders, until he finally spotted the commander.

the tall man’s eyes fell upon the pair and he drew himself away from whomever he was speaking with to come greet them.

“ah levi, y/n,” erwin began. levi’s expression stayed the same but y/n offered the man a small smile and wave which he returned with a nod. erwin was actually the one who recommended to levi that he should consider y/n to be apart of his squad, so she heavily credited him entirely with starting your relationship with levi (even if levi disagreed every time she told him this).

levi and erwin fell into formal conversation, discussing the remainder of the mission, which left y/n realizing levi hadn’t really saved her from a talk you’ve heard countless times before, but instead brought her into another one.

hanji’s rambling would have been more interesting than this she thought to yourself as she began lazily scanned the small sea of scouts scrambling around, looking for a way to entertain yourself until the two men were done talking. one group in particular caught her eyes.

the soldiers seemed to be much more jittery than everyone else. they frantically looked amongst each other and towards the titan that hanji had just finished showing the rest of levi’s squad, and seemed to be contemplating a solution to an unknown issue.

it was clear something was up.

just as she placed her hand on levi’s shoulder to bring his and erwin’s focus over to the scene, the ground began to shake, which caught their attention for her.

no one had time to react when dust flew up everywhere, obstructing everyone’s views so they couldn’t see where the loud crashes that followed came from. a strong force slammed into them, throwing them who knows how far into the air. the fear of hitting the ground barely had enough time to settle into y/n before everything went dark.

everyone in the vicinity had been sent flying into the air along, but levi was the first one to be up on his feet again. bringing his arms up to shield his eyes, he decided to stay where he was as the dust cleared so he could assess the situation and move on from there.

the scene finally came into view; he gathered that the titan had ripped its arm through the nails that secured it to the floor of the woods, then flailed it around in an attempt to grab people. it made a clean sweep in the area that he was previously standing—all that was left were debris and broken wood planks from the compartments that were attached to the other titan’s traps.

a wave of adrenaline passed through his body as he remembered who was with him. he needed to find not only erwin immediately, but also y/n. he reached down to grab the handles of his controller grip but froze instantly upon seeing what had just come into view as more of the dust cleared.

y/n was sprawled out on the ground, ODM gear tossed a few feet away from her body but more importantly, the titan’s hand was hovering mere meters above her.

his pulse almost quickened twicehold, but it felt as though it heart had stopped in his chest. situations like this presented themselves to levi almost everyday of his life, but this was much different. in those, he was almost two steps ahead. he knew that by now he should be wrapping his arms around y/n and pulling her to safety at breakneck speed, or even better, he should’ve shielded her from harm at the very beginning. but right now he couldn’t do so much as move his finger.

levi was completely inert—his arms felt like they being weighed down by a ball and chain, his legs felt like they had grown roots into the ground that planted in him place. his throat ran dry and his stomach felt like it had just done a flip. the rest of him went numb while shock consumed his body, physically and mentally, rendering him entirely helpless.

images of isabel, farlan, petra, oluo, eld, gunther, and countless others all flashed before him, the same running theme echoed in his mind—he wasn’t able to save them. all he had to do was pull back a single index finger. this would launch one of his anchors into the back of the titan’s neck, sending him flying to slice its nape. but he couldn’t do it. the only thing he knew he had the power to do was watch helplessly as his partner would be eaten alive.

the shouts of others flooded his ears as his senses slowly began to return to him, but it didn’t matter. he couldn’t make out a thing. frankly he wished he could so he could break away from the things that occupied his mind now. shame. guilt. humiliation. fear. regret. he took for granted every moment he had ever spent with y/n. every smile she gave him. every time he embraced her. every kiss. every conversation they shared under the stars while everyone else was fast asleep. every opportunity he had but failed to tell her that he—

before he finished his thought someone finally broke through his trance. erwin was the one who was able to crack the surface and bring him back to life.

the commander was shouting levi’s name, hoping, praying, to wake him up from whatever was going on in his head. levi was still unable feel his body, but he realized he was moving as the ground began to grow smaller. one of erwin’s strong arms hooked around levi’s middle and they were flying away from the chaos below. the commander spared a glance to levi to see the man’s eyes were still trained on y/n.

the feeling returned to levi’s body as he felt the pain of being thrown onto one of the thick tree branches surge through his body. not knowing how else to bring him back from the trance that wasn’t full broken, erwin had tossed off of him levi instead of placing him down gently.

he watched as levi scrambled up and expected him to yell back for throwing him, but the response was much different.

“where is she ??” levi demanded. his eyes may have been on y/n the whole time, but his mind was elsewhere replaying scenes from the past. he had no idea if she had been eaten, or even survived the initial attack. the only think he saw was her body on the ground, unmoving.

“safe,” erwin confirmed. “hanji ran over just in time and got her. but what happened to you ?” no one had ever seen levi freeze up the way he did. others believed it was just fear which made him seem a little more human to them, but erwin knew it was more than that.

throughout the years, erwin watched levi witness the deaths of those closest to him, and even then he was still able to act. but after seeing him go rigid, erwin was more than worried. it was clear levi went into shock, however, shock runs more than skin deep.

this became even more evident to him as levi remained silent the entire way back to the walls. y/n was still unconscious, so one of the open carts was her escort. guilt continued to wash over levi as he wasn’t able to ride in the cart with her to monitor her closely because he had to ride his horse back. regardless, he stayed as close to the cart as possible and stole as many glances her way as he could.

if he had it his way, he would’ve waited outside the infirmary for y/n when they arrived back home, but hanji and erwin practically dragged him to the mess hall to replenish his energy. this may or may not be skipping the part where levi was questioned about what happened, followed by him being chastised for his actions (or lack there of). levi could bare focus even though it was such a serious conversation. his mind was still a hazy mess. as much as hanji and erwin wanted to talk to levi more about the situtation, they knew it was best for the conversation to end there for the day. levi looked so shaken up that he could barely keep himself standing so the last thing he needed was to be yelled at more. the entire corps also made sure to steer clear of the man. he usually had all his emotions hidden but they were on full display now. it still scared the hell out of them.

but the fear alone wasn’t enough to stop them from whispering to themselves. word carried fast about how captain levi froze up and watched one of his squad mates almost die. the ones who only heard about the story instead of witnessing it couldn’t believe what they were hearing. the captain levi did nothing while one of his own almost became titan food ?

hearing the whispers in passing, levi didn’t care that they were talking about him, but he was still affected. their words just made reality sink deeper into him. they weren’t the only ones who were unable to believe what happened. he really just watched helplessly as someone almost died. and it wasn’t just someone, it was his other half.

“hey levi ?” hanji voiced, pulling him out of his head. levi didn’t bother looking up from his food that he had been staring at for the past few minutes to face her. the best he could to was give her a side glance as he peered at her from the corner of his eyes and waited for her to finish.

the glare he was sending her way made her blood run cold, but she took the hint and continued. “are you alright ?” she asked in a small voice.

“does it look like i’m alright ?” he growled back, then went back to eating.

“just wanted to ask,” she added with an awkward laugh then turned to erwin who was on the other side of her. for once in her life she knew not to press any harder, but making levi upset wasn’t her intention. she was genuinely worried about him. hanji gave erwin a what do i do now ? look, hoping for some help, but erwin could only shake his head. he cared about levi just as much as she did, but he knew there was nothing either of them could do or say to make levi feel better. the only thing he needed was to see y/n.

at last, levi finished his dinner and excused himself to go find his partner. as his feet carried him at a quick pace across the stone floors of the many hallways in HQ, fear came back to his already grim mind. there was no word on y/n’s condition so he assumed no progress had been made and she was still unconscious.

needless to say, when he rounded the corner and saw her sitting on the bench right outside the infirmary swiveling her heels and tapping her toes together as if she was bored, shock overcame him once again, this time on a much lower scale. similar to just a few hours ago, he was frozen instantly upon seeing her. it was a much prettier sight this time, but it was still painful to see. the bandage that wrapped around her head peaked out from being any strands of hair that fell in front of her face, other wraps and patches plastered themselves across her arms and legs, and some purple and blue splotches peaked out from behind them. this was only the skin that was exposed. for once in his life levi didn’t want to think about what she looked like when she weren’t wearing any clothes. he made a quick mental note to later place tender kisses on all her bumps and bruises, and took of running towards her.

y/n had been discharged from the infirmary during dinner hours, so the halls has been quite empty as she sat outside alone, falling into boredom. when the first sounds of shoes hitting the ground entered her ears, she got a bit excited, but calmed herself down reminding herself it probably wasn’t him. but when the steps got quicker and louder, she finally let yourself look up to see up to see her partner was the source. there was no point in holding back anyone; her face visibly lit up and a wide smile placed itself on her lips. just like levi, y/n wanted nothing more in the entire world than to see him.

he run turned to a jog then a complete stop as he halted in front of her. despite being so anxious to see one another, neither were really prepared. they just kinda...stared at each other, neither sure of the right words to say. levi decided to take the initiative. he opened his mouth, hoping something, anything, would come out, but his attempt fell flat. words just weren’t enough. instead, he lifted his arms and placed both hands gently on y/n’s shoulders. she caught on quickly, standing up at the same time as he was pulling her into his arms for a tight embrace.

the pair remained silent in each other’s arms until y/n decided to take initiative this time and finally spoke. “is it true ?” she mumbled against his neck, barely loud enough for him to hear.

as much as he had hoped the gossip would stay in the mess hall, levi knew that inevitably word would spread to her. someone must have told her everything that happened, leaving in every little detail about how levi made no moves to save her life, ending up having to be saved by hanji in the end.

based off his silence, y/n knew levi had a lot on his mind so she continued “did you really freeze up?”

he didn’t realize it, but he had tensed up at her words. it absolutely pained him to answer, but he couldn’t imagine the pain she were feeling.

summing up his courage, he began to confirm the worst, but she pulled away before he could get more than a “yes,” out. levi braced himself for the hurt expression that he would be faced with, knowing his heart would break instantly as she realized he truly did failed to protect her, but instead he was met with kind eyes and soft face.

the look on his face had utter disbelief written all over it as her hands went up to cup his face that was now reddening. “are you okay?” y/n asked softly. “im so sorry.”

levi was beyond bewildered. he wanted her to be furious at him. yell at him. pull her soft hands back and strike him as much as she pleased. tell him he failed and that she couldn’t stand the sight of him. he knew he deserved it all and more, but he should’ve known she would never do that. that wasn’t y/n.

he melted into her touch and placing one of his hand over one of hers that remained on his cheek. “i was terrified, y/n.”

y/n finally gave him one of her beautiful smiles and giggled softly. “why were you scared ? i was the one who almost got eaten,” she teased.

y/n’s laughs had quickly subsided after seeing the serious look that had etched itself onto levi’s face. “because you were in danger,” he started.

“i don’t know what id do with myself if i lost you, i...”

“i love you, y/n.”

it was finally y/n’s turn to get a taste of the shock that levi had been experiencing all day. she could’ve sworn her heart skipped a beat at his words, followed by butterfly wings tickling the inside of her tummy, her eyes widening and jaw falling slack. her hands slowly slipped from his face to instead place one of her palms on her chest to make sure her heart was indeed pumping at a regular pace.

levi, on the other hand, was not having a magical experience. y/n’s reaction made him feel as though his feelings weren’t reciprocated despite having been together for so long. he started to get deeper into his head, negative thoughts starting to eat away at him once again, when she finally spoke.

“i love you too, levi,” she breathed out, still too stunned to breathe properly.

levi had had enough of being unable to move for one day. one of his hands grabbed y/n’s waist while the other found its way to the back of her head, as he kissed her roughly, which she eagerly returned. the way he felt her grin against his lips was enough to make all the pain and fear he had experienced that day worth it.

he couldn’t have asked for a better outcome to such a shitty day.

levi had finally learned how to say i love you and he thanked the stars every night following that day that y/n was the one who taught him how.

#attack on titan #aot #attack on titan x reader #aot x reader #shingeki no kyojin #snk #shingeki no kyojin x reader #snk x reader #levi ackerman #levi ackermann #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackermann x reader #levi x reader

569 notes · View notes