#tov is down to like… 4 people she cares about

[ivanttakethis]

End of Round 6 - Tov’s Log

Vermillion vs. Aurien - ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR

————————————————————

Solei had been the sun to Aurien’s moon for as long as Tov could remember.

Their light illuminated every fiber of Aurien’s being. She shined because they shined.

But after Solei disappeared, after Aurien’s daylight gave way to endless night, she let the darkness swallow her whole too.

She was never quite the same.

Even the way she sang was different.

It was haunting.

To the audience, it probably sounded beautiful.

But Tov knew the ghost behind Aurien’s voice was real.

Vermillion sounded haunted too, though in a slightly different way.

His ever present charm had melted away, raw emotion flooding his voice as he sang.

Tov knew right away that this round would be close. Aurien would have to give everything and then some to avoid a repeat of Round 3.

She couldn’t watch another friend die.

She couldn’t.

But Vermillion was Aurien’s friend too, right? Tov didn’t know if Aurien would ever betray a friend in the way that was necessary to win.

She ground her teeth.

The song finished, and the scoreboard totaled the points.

Vermillion 54. Aurien 46.

Her heart thudded once, hard enough to bruise. She stopped breathing altogether.

The moon would crash to the planet’s surface, and the tide would rise wild to meet it.

Tov thought of Solei. For the first time since they disappeared, she hoped they were dead.

If only so Aurien could reunite with them sooner.

“Vermillion Win” was projected in big letters on the scoreboard.

Then the screen went black.

“What the—”

A gun fired.

An emergency alarm started blaring.

Then the audio cut out too.

No! Aurien!

Something fast and sharp shot through Tov’s system, seizing her still weakened heart in its brutal grasp.

It wasn’t adrenaline, she knew that chemical reaction well.

No, this was something different. This was something worse.

Cassio, her mind screamed, I need to call Cassio now.

Tov fumbled for the phone and punched in her guardian’s number with a bit more force than necessary.

She held her breath as the line rang.

As soon as Cassio picked, Tov was assaulted by the panicked cacophony in the background.

Aliens were screaming, guards were shouting orders that fell of deaf ears, and that damn alarm was still wailing too loud to think.

“Tov?”

“Cassio.” Tov never thought she’d be relieved to hear their voice. “The broadcast lost the video feed and then there was a gunshot. Is everything alright?”

“Alright” definitely wasn’t the right word to describe the lead up to Aurien’s execution, but she couldn’t think of anything else.

“Everything’s gone to shit.” They hissed. “Someone cut the power to the whole complex and triggered the emergency alarms. There’s a stampede of aliens trying to get out of here and I’m currently stuck in the middle of it. We’re all trying to get to the backstage tunnels now.”

Tov’s mind was spinning. Was there an attack on Alien Stage? If so, what — or who — were they after? The judges? The audience? The contestants?

Himei and Tallis were still there.

What if something happened to them?

What if something already had?

She would have no idea until the lights came back on and someone sorted through the carnage.

Tov’s medical band beeped.

“This place is swarming with AREPH agents.” Cassio muttered, yanking Tov out of her spiraling thoughts.

AREPH. The Agency for the Recovery of Escaped Pet Humans.

Tov remembered a few AREPH agents showing up at Anakt Garden the morning after Solei disappeared.

The agent who interviewed her wore a silver badge with the agency’s seal. She could still recall what it looked like; how it gleamed when it caught the light.

Tov frowned.

Why would AREPH agents be there?

“Oh fuck—” Cassio’s voice shook.

“What? What is it Cassio?”

Their tone turned grave, “Tov, I need you to listen to me very carefully. I’m only going to say this once, and then I’m going to hang up.”

“What’s going on—”

“JUST LISTEN TO ME TOV!!”

Tov recoiled from the receiver. Cassio had never so much as raised their voice at her before. Her medical band beeped again.

They took a deep breath to compose themselves, then spoke in a very deliberate and deathly even voice, “Lock the doors. Turn off all of the lights in the house. Draw the blinds.” They instructed. “Don’t make any noise. Don’t pick up the phone. And don’t answer the door for anyone. Stay put until I get back.”

Tov finally had a name for the emotion that had a vice grip on her heart.

Fear.

She’d felt it so infrequently in her life that it was hard to identify amidst the chaos. But she felt it now.

Strong. Overwhelming. Terrifying.

A chill ran down her spine. Ice surged through her veins. She couldn’t move.

“Why?” Tov could barely get the words out. “Why do I have to do all of this?”

Cassio took pity on her.

“It’s about Solei. They’re here.”

And the line went dead.

————————————————————

Round 6, amirite?? <- (is definitely failing to cope)

Shit got real this round. Lots of chaos. Lots of blood. Lots of thoughts and feelings. Honestly I’m still processing most of it.

It’s a good thing Tov stayed home for this round too because the ensuing panic probably would’ve given her a heart attack (not joking btw).

If you’re wondering how Cassio knew it was Solei at the competition, they passed by a monitor backstage that had the emergency message from this post flashing on it and recognized Solei’s ID number.

They tell Tov to act like she’s not home because AREPH agents could come looking for her since she is thought to be withholding information about Solei’s Anakt Garden escape.

Aurien belongs to @aurienneirua and Solei belongs to @solei-eclipse.

Himei, Tallis, and the Agency for the Recovery of Escaped Pet Humans (AREPH) belong to @lookatmysillies!

[thecomfywriter]

🤖Writer Questionnaire Tag🤖

Thank you for the tag @the-golden-comet! I read through it and WHOOF she's hefty so buckle in and let's get into it.

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How long have you had your writing Tumblr/Writeblr? A fast and loose estimate is fine!

I started this blog during the pandemic, I believe? Early 2020, or maybe spring.

What led you to create it?

I had finished the 4th (and blasphemous) draft of ToV and, at the time, I was super convinced that was THE draft, so I wanted to find beta readers. Happened upon tumblr's writing community, decided to write a couple of writing tips that I had learned over the years. The posts garnered traction and the rest is history.

What’s your favorite thing about the Writeblr community?

THE VIBES. THE ATMOSPHERE. I LOVE THE PASSION IN THE AIR. In all seriousness, I truly do love seeing the preservation of art without the need to churn things out like its content. Tumblr just feels like hangout spot in general vs a social media, and the writeblr community feels like an after-school writing club, which I absolutely adore.

What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?

My submissions? Inbox? DMs? Always open. If you guys need advice or have a question, are curious about something book related or writing related, you are always welcome to shoot me a message. I am a full-time student and i do work 2 jobs, but i WILL get to your ask. And if I feel like its going to be delayed, I'll let you know. But i love questions. I love being able to help people with specific writing concerns, especially since I have dabbled in so many different genres of writing since i was six bro. I gotchu. Also, we're all friends here. It's all lax. If you just want to shoot a random DM like, "bro do you want to be writer friends?" I WILL BE DOWN. I miss the community tabs on tumblr from 2020. I was in a writers groupchat and its where I met so many friends I still talk to. So yes. DM whenever, even if its just to ramble and yap. I too am a yapper.

Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?

oc pictures or random scenes. I don't care if its the goofiest sketch alive. give it to me. also, more chill rambly style posts? even if its a small little update like: "yoohoo! starting a writing session. aiming for 3k words" YES.

WIP it Good

Which Works-in-Progress (WIPs) or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?

I had to search up what noodling meant lmao Honestly, CoS. I feel like the amount of attention editing ToV requires + school has stagnated my writing progress with CoS, which is fine, but also I really just want to binge read the entire series already???? Also, TIS. I've been casually outlining it but also binge-listening to the playlists (i make character playlists and book playlists with spreadsheets for what scene each song is a soundtrack too, fyi lmao). god, i love those playlists. they play like a movie in my head. OH! AND AONAS. AoNaS only exists in outlines, first drafts, quotes, sketches, and my fantasies. BUT MY GOD. It's the way I deadass quoted a line from the villain bearing his heart out to the heroine of that story in my speech at a NASA CONFERENCE. Not me deadass quoting MYSELF 😭

How long have you been working on them?

ToV -- since I was 7. CoS -- since I was 13. TIS -- since I was 5 (YEAH. IT PREDATES TOV) AoNaS -- 4/5 (she was the blueprint for all stories, truly)

Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?

ToV -- I could not tell you what dark events inspired 6-year-old me to write such a sugar-coated gruesome tale, but I will assume it was my obsession for dragons CoS -- a poem and my personal life events. I wanted to write a character that made me feel hopeful again TIS -- my doll games (again... babes what....) AoNaS -- my role-play imaginary friend adventure games (think 'the floor is lava', but on steroids)

How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?

Unhealthy amounts. Copious amounts. I had a friend tell me once that she didn't like talking to me sometimes because it felt like my book was my entire personality 💀 Needless to say, I don't talk about my book to people in my personal life anymore unless they ask or they are my best friend. I just let it live in the background of my mind 20/24 hours in a day :))

When someone asks the dreaded, “What do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?

High political fantasy, but I dabble in a bunch of different genres. Name a genre and I probably wrote a story for it.

Let’s Rotate Blorbos

Name any characters you created.  Side characters, protagonists, antagonists, characters who’ve never been written, the first original abomination you ever pulled from your ass; whomever you’d like!

Ain't no way I'm doing the whole cast. I'll do ToV, CoS, and TIS Book 1's main characters, and that's it. For everyone's sanity's sake. The casts are simply too extensive. ToV: Alan, Caramel, Cara, Morreial, Hilbert, Markum, Shah, Jervee Iyzela, Jervee Revenold, Amara, Pietro CoS: Evan, Elenfa, Fawn, Riyzela, Raheer, Vaza-Ek, Qatya, Noctem, Aiyana, Alan, Caramel, Nyla, Mirza, Glamis, Morreial, Cara TIS Book 1: Her Highness Queen Naliya, Kiamu, Selven, Blaire, Ashely, Gyanste, Prince James, Kiya, Zeena, Leah, Katerina, Nicole, Brandon, Amaka

Who’s the most unhinged?

ToV: Caramel (little miss. 'accidentally commits arson more times than she can count') CoS: Evan (mr. 'i was explicitly told NOT to do this, so i did it anyways, and now i accidentally exploded a mountain and caused an avalanche') TIS: Zeena (little miss. 'i had to learn shapeshifting to assume different identities to escape my legacy of crimes')

Who comes the most naturally for you to write?

ToV: Alan or Caramel CoS: Evan TIS: Naliya

Do you ever cringe at them?

Listen... They have their flaws and sometimes they give me secondhand embarrassment with their poor decisions. Amaka literally has a whole ARC dedicated to self-sabotaging which is informally named "the secondhand embarrassment arc". So yes. They make me want to crawl into an ant-hole and disappear sometimes because babes... this is not how you represent the family name STOP

How much control do you feel you have over your characters?  AKA, do they ever “write themselves,” refuse to cooperate, or do things you didn’t expect? To what degree? Are some less cooperative than others?

No. These bastards are the most disobedient children I have ever parented. Autonomy this, Independence that! Look where that got you, folks! Traumatized, crying, throwing up, afraid, and having canon 'secondhand embarrassment arcs' GET UP AND LET ME HELP YOU PLS 😭😭😭I'm tired of watching y'all ruin your lives on the sidelines

Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters? And do you have a preferred means of receiving said questions? For example, as Asks, as replies, as reblogs, as tag notes, as comments on AO3, etc.

Yes. Please do it more, it's never enough. I literally started a mockcast in 2019 with over 500 episodes now, all because I had so much I wanted to ramble and yap about when it came to my book, but I didn't want to bother my friends. So yes. Always. My inbow/submissions/DMs are ready. I have no preference. Give it all to me.

On writeblr engagement

What makes you want to follow another Writeblr account? Do you follow ‘em as you see ‘em, or take time scoping out the blog to make sure you align with its content? Do you follow based on WIPs, or vibes?

I like to do some mild stalking of their recent posts, and then whatever their pinned post is to get a general vibe of them, their writing style, their genres, their personality, the posts they engage in, and their wips. If I enjoy it and it entices me, I follow. Sometimes, I follow for the vibes, and by vibes I mean I see a follower notification and I'm like, "bet" and follow back. It honestly depends on my mood lmao.

What makes you decide against following?

If its a dead account with no interaction for a long duration of time. If the vibes are iffy. if they post or repost harmful rhetoric or promote non-inclusive spaces. Off-vibes and its a yuck yuck bye bye from me.

Do you interact with non-mutuals often?

If its cool and it shows up on my explore, I'm interacting. I don't really look at if I'm following or not following, or if they're following me. I take it on a post-per-post basis. The mutuality of our relationship doesn't take precedent as much as the content does. That being said, I don't get tagged in non-mutual posts a lot? And whenever I interact with a non-mutual, we end up becoming mutuals within the hour lmao. So do with that what you will.

Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?

I am once again confused by the noodle lingo 😭 If you mean if I think about my mutals' ocs, then yes! Tag games are so fun to participate in, but SO SO SO fun to read too. And reading little excerpts and whatnot from other writers is such a lovely experience to see where people's passions lie. But yes. Someone pls explain the noodle to me, I'm so lost.

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Thank you for the tag again @the-golden-comet! I'll be tagging the regular degular gang below. GO BUCKWILD GO CRAZY

TCW Tag squad: @satohqbanana @mysticstarlightduck @harps-for-days @the-golden-comet @did-i-do-this-write @aalinaaaaaaand @drchenquill @honeybewrites @paeliae-occasionally

Ask to be added. Demand to be removed. Both are your TCW community rights 😤

Happy Writing!

[choices-betch]

Lost on You (Mona x MC): Chapter III

Book: Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance Pairing: Mona x MC Warnings: NSFW Chapter Description: Some things never change. Notes: I don’t know why I lagged on finishing this, but now it’s done so whatever lmao. Thank you to all who read, liked, commented and/or reblogged previous chapters/stories! Let me know if you want to be tagged in future chapters. Tags:  @maxwellsquidsuit @scarlet-letter-a0114 @whoinvitedalx @zoe6111@pauclaws @powdesiree0816

Song: hanging on - active child

Chapter III: 3 A.M.

Lexi stood outside the bar Mona led her to, staring up at a big sign reading Outlaws. She rolled her eyes; Mona would come here. Lexi took a deep breath to calm her nerves and walked in, cautiously glancing around at the moderately sized crowd. She spotted Mona sitting with her legs crossed at the bar on a stool, profile facing Lexi as she observed the room with a bored expression.

Lexi realized in all the upset of Mona’s reappearance, she hadn’t really looked at her. Lexi took a moment to scan Mona head to toe from a distance. Lexi noted that her hair was longer, the frown lines on her face a bit more visible, and she was a bit thinner than Lexi had remembered. But the way her hair framed her face, the way her bright eyes constantly assessed for the first sign of danger, the way her short, strappy black dress rode up her smooth thighs just so...

Lexi cursed herself mentally; she needed to stay strong, but somehow after all this time Mona still had the ability to make her putty with just a look. She let out a deep breath and headed toward the back.

“Outlaws, huh?” Lexi said, sliding onto the stool next to Mona at the bar. Mona looked over, startled, and Lexi silently congratulated herself for being the one to catch her off guard for once. “Bit cliché if you ask me.”

Mona smirked, turning toward Lexi on her stool. “Good thing I didn’t ask.” She motioned to the bartender for another beer and slid it toward Lexi. Lexi quietly thanked Mona and took a swig of her beer.

“I’m surprised,” Mona started, spinning her bottle on the bar top. “Didn’t think you’d show up.”

“I didn’t really think about it too much,” Lexi replied honestly, shrugging.

“‘Cos that’s worked out well for you in the past.”

Lexi rolled her eyes but otherwise ignored Mona’s comment.

“I, uh...I opened the gift. It was...” Lexi trailed off, unsure of what to say, or if she should express how much it meant. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

Mona hummed in acknowledgement, nodding as she tipped her bottle toward Lexi before downing the rest of her beer and requesting another. “Congrats. Mazel tov. Gratis. What’s next, hotshot?”

“No idea. Probably getting a crap paying job while I study for the bar and figure out where I want to go and what I want to do.”

Mona side eyed Lexi and gave her a once over before raising her eyebrows and taking another swig of beer.

“What?” Lexi said, already getting irritated. Was Mona seriously judging her right now?

“Nothing,” Mona quipped with a shrug. “Just surprised. I never took you for a fancy suit and office type.”

“I want to help people,” Lexi replied shortly, aggressively taking a gulp of beer. “I don’t care how I have to do it.”

Mona chuckled but stayed silent, a small smirk playing on her lips. Lexi narrowed her eyes and tapped her fingertips on the bar top. After a few moments she turned to look at Mona’s profile silently, eyes taking in every curve of her face, every line, every freckle...God, why did she have to be so damn gorgeous?

“What?” Mona asked tensely, taking a swig of her beer. Lexi shook her head, taking a sip of her own drink as she turned to face the pool tables, her back against the bar. Clearly she was going to need more alcohol to survive this night.

—-

“This place is gross,” Lexi said, leaning against the pool table they’d just claimed as Mona placed the balls in the triangle rack.

“I know. Isn’t it great?”

Lexi raised an eyebrow but stayed silent as Mona rolled the balls then removed the rack and stood up. Pool was something they could easily agree on and seemed like a good way to ease the obvious tension. Mona gestured toward the table and Lexi awkwardly stepped forward.

“What’s the bet?” Lexi asked with a quirked brow. Mona shrugged nonchalantly.

“Since you’re definitely going to lose, I’ll let you decide your fate.”

Lexi barked out a laugh and rolled her eyes. She is so going down. “Loser does 4 tequila shots. No chaser, no mixers. Straight up.”

Mona straightened up, her expression full of arrogance and mischief. “You’re on, baby.”

Lexi chalked her cue stick and tried to center her focus. She didn’t know why she had the urge to see Mona completely fucked up; maybe she was tired of the inhibitions and practicalities. She wanted a different side of her, and she wanted to be in control.

“So,” Mona started, propping herself against the wall. “Who’s the beefcake?”

“Sorry?” Lexi questioned with a raised brow as she moved around the table, assessing for the perfect position. Jackpot. Lexi bent over, adjusting her cue stick to make just the right shot.

“Looked like a hot cop fantasy. Kudos, by the way.”

Lexi continued staring blankly at Mona, hiding her racing pulse as her mind flitted back to the day at the coffee shop. Had her gut been right? She wasn’t going to let her off that easy, though. Mona rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “The one at the coffee shop.”

I knew it! Lexi shot upright, her eyes widening at confirmation of her suspicions. Lexi stared incredulously at Mona for a few moments before mentally composing herself and repositioning her shot. She kept her vision straight, her angle steady. She knew Mona’s games, but this time she wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of winning. Not today. “Why. Jealous?”

Mona chuckled softly and Lexi could feel her getting closer, silently cursing her body for betraying her. Lexi mentally chastised herself and refocused on her aim, determined not to fuck this up. Mona sauntered closer to Lexi and leaned against the table, watching her every move.

“Do you think about me while she fucks you?” Mona said, just loud enough for Lexi to hear right as she was about to strike the ball. Lexi hadn’t been expecting that, which Mona undoubtedly knew, but Lexi had more experience with her poker face than she used to and didn’t let it phase her. She expertly and broke the balls, sinking a yellow and purple striped ball. Lexi stood upright, meeting Mona’s gaze.

“Past tense. And what makes you so sure she fucked me?” She replied coolly, backing up as she tipped her cue in Mona’s direction. “You’re solids.”

Mona was shocked. And turned on. And a whole lot of other things. Who was this woman and where had she been all her life? “Touché,” Mona said, applauding slowly with a smirk. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“You don’t know much about me anymore,” Lexi said with a shrug. Mona stared at her with a serious expression. She had no idea what she was doing. This wasn’t in the plan. She wasn’t supposed to feel what she was feeling: nervous, excited, confused, attached. She wasn’t supposed to care anymore. But Mona did a lot of things she wasn’t supposed to do. After a long moment Lexi closed her eyes, sighing heavily. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Mona responded. What was there to be sorry for? It was well deserved. Mona quickly saw her shot, lining it up and spinning the cue ball with ease, sinking three balls. “Your shot.”

—-

After three intense rounds of pool (Mona won by a hair) and double the alcohol intake, Lexi was feeling good. Her resentments and inhibitions continued to dissipate the longer she and Mona were together, having fallen into easy conversation and banter halfway through the first game. They were back at the bar table, new drinks in hand as they both sat in hysterics reminiscing.

“Remember when Logan and Colt bet each other they could do a long jump over Kaneko’s car and Logan dented the hood?” Mona choked, leaning forward and closing her eyes in laughter. “God, they were morons.”

“Always,” Lexi responded, her laughter dying down as she wiped her eyes. “God, Kaneko wanted to murder them. Why did they act like that?”

“Because they’re idiots who couldn’t stop swinging their dicks around to impress you,” Mona replied, shaking her head as she rolled her eyes. Lexi choked on her drink, wiping the beer off her face as she turned toward Mona with wide eyes. “What?” Mona questioned. “You know it’s true.”

“Well, it was a waste of energy. My attention was elsewhere,” Lexi finally said, remembering how little she cared about their antics in the moment compared to how distracting it was sitting on a car hood next to Mona, some form of subtle physical contact present the entire time.

“Yeah, ‘cos I have a bigger dick than the both of them combined.”

“Why else would I pick you?” Lexi joked, trying to ignore the sensations stirred up by not just what she said, but by all of the memories being face to face stirred up.

“Ah, the infamous question,” Mona said with a smirk, but something in her tone caught Lexi’s attention.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lexi asked, her face curious.

“That’s a question I’ve been asked by a number of people,” Mona replied after a long moment.

“What?” Lexi said incredulously. “By who?”

“Might be easier to ask who hasn’t.” Mona smirked and wiggled her eyebrows in an attempt to lighten the mood. She wasn’t lying; no point. On a number of occasions Logan and Colt has asked the same thing, usually in a fit of rage followed by implications that great sex was the only thing Mona could possibly offer. Hell, even Lexi’s dad cornered her when she was waiting for her trial, asking why the hell his perfect daughter wanted anything to do with the likes of her. Mona never allowed herself to dwell too much on how much that stung, mostly because she figured she brought it on herself. That was the persona she created, wasn’t it? Someone who would be there for the thrill of the moment but little more?

Mona sighed and took a swig of beer. The conversation was getting too serious, and serious conversation meant a ticking time bomb that Mona did not want to deal with in the middle of a shitty bar. Mona looked to her right, observing the dance floor as the music changed. “Let’s dance.”

Lexi hesitated, chewing the inside of her lip. She knew in her current state there would be a fine line that would be easy to cross with Mona. But tonight was supposed to be about being careless, and if this wasn’t, she didn’t know what else would be.

Lexi finished off her beer and walked toward the dance floor, grabbing Mona’s wrist and pulling on her. Mona followed without protest, both pissed and exhilarated at the palpable energy between them. Lexi stopped in the middle of the dance floor, turning toward Mona as she let go of her wrist. Lexi closed her eyes, letting herself feel the music. She moved her hips side to side, one hand going to her hair as the other moved up her side slowly to rest on her hip.

Mona watched Lexi lose herself to the beat, completely enraptured. In many ways Lexi reminded her of the eighteen year old girl she knew, but in so many more ways she was completely foreign. Her confidence, however naive it may have been, was one of the things that attracted Mona to her. Then Lexi’s eyes opened, meeting Mona’s gaze with such intensity that Mona’s breath caught. That was another.

Mona slowly walked toward her, sliding her hands around Lexi’s waist and matching the movement of her body to Lexi’s. Lexi turned quickly and leaned into Mona, her hand going into Mona’s hair. Mona nestled her face into Lexi’s exposed neck, breathing in her scent of warm vanilla. Mona’s hands roamed across Lexi’s abdomen, then slowly, cautiously down Lexi’s thighs. She gently scraped her nails back up Lexi’s sides, causing Lexi to shiver, goosebumps raising across her whole body.

Lexi spun around, her arms hanging loosely around Mona’s shoulders. Mona leaned forward, breathing ragged as she pressed her forehead to Lexi’s, their bodies continuing to move to the beat. Before either of them processed what they were doing their lips crashed together, mouths immediately opening to deepen the kiss. They stayed like that for a while, stopping only to move together as the songs changed before their mouths found their way back to each other.

“Let’s get out of here,” Lexi breathed against Mona’s mouth. Mona couldn’t hear her over the music, but she didn’t need to hear her to know what she said. Mona didn’t know if it was selfishness or selflessness that made her follow without question, her fingers intertwining with Lexi’s as they made their way to the exit. Of course she wanted this. She knew rationally this wasn’t a good idea. But Lexi initiated it this time; she wanted this, and Mona wanted to give Lexi whatever she wanted. She deserved at least that much. Mona grabbed her jacket before heading outside with Lexi, wrapping her jacket around Lexi’s shoulders before pulling her in. She nipped at Lexi’s neck teasingly, kissing her way up until their mouths met again, where they stayed until their Lyft came.

After a few more heated make out sessions in the back of the Lyft, they made it to Lexi’s studio and entered in silence. Lexi looked the door and leaned against it, watching Mona stand awkwardly near the couch. Lexi’s heart raced at just the sight of her, her stomach tingling with warmth. Mona walked to the bed and sat on the edge, leaning back on her hands as she gazed back at Lexi. Lexi tossed Mona’s jacket onto a nearby chair and silently walked toward her, stopping directly in front of her. She raised a hand, gently moving Mona’s hair away from her eyes and running her fingers down the side of Mona’s face.

Mona’s eyes closed as she swallowed roughly. She was torn between savoring the moment and wanting to stop it because it was getting too intimate, too easy for emotions to get involved. But then Lexi bent down and kissed her softly, and Mona’s thoughts went out the window, lost in every feeling she hadn’t experienced in so long.

Lexi pulled back, only to pull her shirt over her head, then kissed Mona again. Lexi toyed with the thin straps of Mona’s dress, pulling them down slowly to expose her bare chest as Mona’s hands went to Lexi’s bra. Mona unhooked and pulled it off, kissing and biting down Lexi’s neck as Lexi pressed crescents into Mona’s shoulders.

Mona stood and turned Lexi around, pushing her onto the bed before climbing up her body. Mona licked a slow trail up Lexi’s stomach, between her breasts, then took one into her mouth. Lexi gasped and cradled Mona’s head, her hips moving against Mona of their own volition.

Lexi flipped Mona quickly with surprising speed, stunning Mona slightly before earning a grin. Lexi held Mona’s wrists down, raising an eyebrow as she looked down on Mona. Mona didn’t fight it, soon focused on Lexi’s mouth moving down her body. Mona’s hands roamed every inch of skin she could grasp as Lexi’s grip loosened, desperation building with the anticipation.

Lexi pulled Mona’s dress down as she went, grasping the sides of her underwear and removing them with the dress. Lexi sat up, her eyes roaming Mona’s body as she took a mental picture of the beauty laying before her. Mona’s creamy skin, every dip and curve of her body, her long legs, the need and longing in her eyes…

Lexi bent down and ran a hand up Mona’s inner thighs, her mouth following the trail of her hands. Mona’s chest rose and fell rapidly, growing impatient at the lack of contact. She pulled Lexi up forcefully, pushing a rough kiss to her lips.

“This is why I fucking hate pants,” she mumbled against Lexi’s mouth as she reached down to fumble with the offending article of clothing. Lexi chuckled but was cut off by Mona resuming the kiss, having unbuttoned and unzipped Lexi’s pants. Lexi assisted Mona in pushing them down with her underwear, laughing between kisses for no reason. Once Lexi’s pants were off, she grasped Mona’s wrists and pinned them above her head once again.

“You interrupted me,” Lexi whispered, intertwining their fingers as she kissed her way down Mona’s neck with a nip to her shoulder. Lexi took her time, swirling her tongue down Mona’s skin. She stopped right above Mona’s center, earning a frustrated growl from Mona.

“Maybe you’ll follow directions better from now on,” Lexi said lowly, nipping the inside of Mona’s thigh. Mona’s breath hitched; what the fuck? This was completely new to her. She was not one to hand over control easily, but something about Lexi’s expression told her to give in. Mona huffed and tried to relax into the bed, closing her eyes and focusing on Lexi’s movements. Not soon enough, she felt Lexi’s mouth against her, her tongue slowly running up the length of her. She gasped, gripping the sheets in response. God, she hadn’t felt this good in so, so long.

Lexi continued her motions, her hands roaming every inch of Mona’s skin. Lexi began to gently suck, bringing on an entirely new sensation and Mona closer to the edge. She savored every moment, every taste of Mona that she could, the anxiety of their history present even still. Mona breathed out affirmations, her body moving against Lexi’s mouth as her orgasm built. Mona grasped Lexi’s hair with one hand, her hips lifting as she spasmed with each wave of pleasure. Lexi took in her taste one last time before being forcefully pulled up and pushed on her back. Mona leveled her face with Lexi’s and straddled her hips, her breathing still heavy. Mona stared into Lexi’s eyes as she ran her hand slowly down Lexi’s body until she touched Lexi’s center.

Mona ran her middle finger up and down Lexi’s wetness before inserting a finger, earning a soft moan from Lexi. Lexi wrapped her arms around Mona’s shoulders, foreheads pressed together as Mona inserted another finger and slowly thrust in and out. Lexi kissed Mona urgently, one hand cupping Mona’s cheek as she got lost in the sensations. This was what she couldn’t let go of. She had never had the kind of passion, the connection in and out of the bedroom that she inexplicably had with Mona. Here, in this moment, she felt more alive and whole than she had since they met.

Lexi’s hips moved against Mona’s hand more urgently, their kisses sloppy and rough as she drove Lexi over the edge, earning a slew of curse words from Lexi in the heat of the moment, much to Mona’s delight. They held each other close for a moment, Mona’s face in the crook of Lexi’s neck as their heart rates slowed. Lexi’s hand went to Mona’s hair, gently stroking it and reveling in the softness.

Mona pulled her head back slightly and Lexi turned her head toward Mona, their gazes locked and intense. Mona searched Lexi’s face - for what, she didn’t know, but all she saw was tenderness, caring for that Lexi didn’t deserve to be wasting on her. She felt such a swell of emotion, such affection for this girl so willing to give her everything in this moment, without question. She felt a lump in her throat and swallowed before rolling on top of Lexi and pressing a kiss to her lips with a smirk.

“I’m not done with you yet.”

—-

Lexi didn’t typically wake up in the middle of the night, but she started to dream she was peeing which quickly disturbed her sleep. As she came to, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, she became conscious of her lack of clothing, which spurred on a flood of memories from the night. Lexi then realized the other side of the bed was empty and shot up quickly, seeing Mona across the room fully dressed, shrugging her jacket off.

Lexi saw fire. She was immediately taken back to all of the years she spent mourning the loss of her first love, the nights she spent laying awake in guilt, wondering why she wasn’t enough. She leapt our of bed, grabbing a robe off her desk chair and hastily tying it around her waist.

“So we’re back to this, huh?” Lexi shouted angrily as she stopped in front of Mona, folding her arms across her chest. Mona’s shoulders dropped as she turned to look at Lexi. She stayed silent, knowing Lexi had more to say and also knowing she deserved every word. It was purely selfish of Mona to come back. She didn’t know why she still cared, why she was still so attached to this person. But she also knew that part of caring for someone was doing what was best for them, and no good could come out of Mona being in Lexi’s life. She had to let her go.

“You started this, Mona. You came here. You asked me out tonight. And for what? To fall off the grid again, for a decade this time?!” Lexi knew she sounded like a shrill lunatic, but she didn’t care. Her heart felt crushed all over again, and she was angry. Angry at Mona for doing this again, but mostly angry at herself for thinking it would be anything different.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Mona finally responded, and it was the honest to goddamn truth. That was a mistake as it seemed to anger Lexi more.

“You sure said a lot in my bed a few hours ago,” Lexi spat, overcome with rage. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Mona had to laugh. What wasn’t wrong with her? “I spent my entire young adulthood stuck because I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t let you go. But you had no fucking problem writing me off, giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. Was that what you wanted all along? To have someone who you could pull back and forth like a goddamn yo-yo?!”

“Of course not,” Mona snapped, her brows furrowing. “It’s not like that. I just...I don’t have an explanation for you. I never promised you anything.”

“You’ve got some fucking nerve, you know that? You sure know how to reel ‘em in, then as soon as you sink your teeth in you just—“

“What do you want me to do?” Mona shouted in frustration, her tolerance for being berated at its limit. She had always been honest about her behaviors, but Lexi was the only other person aside from herself that she’d gone out of her way to protect, on multiple occasions like a complete dumbass. Every decision in the aftermath of Mona’s mistakes had been with Lexi’s best interest in mind, and here she was being yelled at for it. She wasn’t fucking equipped to be everything Lexi needed, deserved all at once.

“I want you to stay!” Lexi’s eyes were burning, her voice shaky as she was on the verge of tears. All of this and she was going to lose her, again. “I want you to give a shit. Really, truly give a shit. Damnit,” Lexi cursed, wiping at the corners of her eyes harshly as they continued to well up. They stared at each other in tense silence, both of their chests heaving from the heat of the moment. Mona looked away first, shifting in place.

“I...look, I only came to give you some semblance of closure.” Nothing else had worked. Mona went with what she was good at: detachment.

Lexi balked, half choking on her own saliva. “Excuse me?”

“You were still writing me after six years, I’d say you needed closure,” Mona reiterated, her expression flat. “What did you think was going to happen, Lexi? That you’d become some hotshot lawyer with a criminal girlfriend waiting for you at home? Get your head out of the clouds.”

Lexi knew what Mona was doing. But something clicked in her mind, and she was tired. She was tired of beating at Mona’s walls, watching them slowly crumble just to have her pull back and reinforce them with steel. She deserved someone who wanted her back; she deserved better than this. She chuckled darkly, shaking her head before meeting Mona’s gaze intensely.

“Okay,” Lexi replied. “Thanks for the ‘closure’, I guess. Lock the door on your way out, will you?”

Lexi turned and walked to the bathroom, determined not to let Mona see how deeply she’d been affected. She closed the door behind her, sitting on the toilet and wrapping her arms around her middle. It was a few minutes later that Lexi heard the creak of the door opening followed by a click as it closed. Almost immediately her head fell into her hands, her body wracking with silent sobs over the same damn woman.

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (4/?)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Hello! I’m a bit busy tomorrow so i ended up having to upload tomorrow’s chapter a day early! So surprise! I hope you enjoy! Anyways, thanks again to @snowbunnylesterand @littlelionsloves for betaing this for me! I hope you all enjoy it! Previous | Masterlist

Read it on AO3 Read it on Wattpad

-

Chapter Four

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found. I think that I might break.

-

“Go shopping with me.”

Phil startled a bit at Chandler’s sudden presence and looked over at her, cocking his head. He had been riding the bus back to his apartment after class, an earphone jammed into one of his ears, his phone held loosely in his hand. He hadn’t expected Chandler to be on the same bus as him today, so it startled him when she took a seat next to him, speaking loudly so he could hear her over his music and the endless chatter of people around him.

“What kind of shopping? And why do I, specifically, have to go with you?”

Chandler rolled her eyes and yanked the single ear bud out of Phil’s ear. She was feigning annoyance at his question, but she was smiling despite it all, seemingly excited. Her excitement passed onto Phil as well.

“Let's go to the shopping centre. I haven’t hung out with you since you started dating Nico.”

“But I just went shopping with Nico yesterday,” Phil whined, although he could understand why she wanted to hang out with him.

It had been a couple of weeks since he and Nico had had their first date, and all of Phil’s time was filled up with either thoughts of Nico or the physical Nico. New relationships were always extremely exciting, and he often found himself drowning in the newness of it all.

“And I don’t give a shit,” Chandler deadpanned, giving him an unimpressed look. She crossed her arms over her chest and Phil had to look away, instead turning his attention to the people getting on and off the bus. He only had two more stops until they came to his apartment. Did she want to go shopping now?

“You’re going shopping with me. I haven’t seen you in weeks other than at school and work. I’m not letting you neglect me any longer.”

He didn’t really want to go shopping, in all honestly, because he’d promised Nico he’d call him when he got home, but he knew that Chandler wouldn’t understand if he told her that. So he sighed and gave in, knowing she was right and he couldn’t fight her on this. He’d just lose anyway. “Is it just going to be us?”

Chandler shook her head quickly, her ponytail almost hitting her in the face. “I was thinking Jane and Charlie could come with us too.”

Trying to hide his disappointment, Phil just nodded. He didn’t really feel like having to socialize with a whole group of people, but he knew Chandler would get her way no matter what, so he may as well spare himself. Jane and Charlie were nice enough. In fact, he quite liked them a lot. They had hung out as a group a few times before and Phil never felt too awkward around them.

Jane was a nice girl with pretty brown hair and hazel eyes who was quiet at times but extremely excitable at other times. She often went on long rants about things she was passionate about, and Phil reckoned he could listen to her talk for hours. Unlike Chandler, she was nearly an entire foot shorter than him and made for a good armrest. She cared deeply for her friends, and Phil was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that hospitality.

On the other hand, Charlie was both the coolest and nerdiest guy Phil had ever met but could probably make Phil cry if he wanted to. He was transgender, but at the same time, he had a shock of pink hair, green eyes, and a lip piercing. He was from Germany originally, but had moved to England when he’d been sixteen after his father had passed away. He strongly believed that gender roles were the worst kind of bread, painted his nails, and even did his makeup occasionally. He had a style that put Phil’s to shame.

Chandler chatted excitedly to him as she texted their friends, probably telling them to meet them at the shopping center. Turned out, when Chandler had said she wanted to go shopping, she’d quite literally meant right then and there. When Phil tried to exit at his stop, she just rolled her eyes, grabbed his arm, and pulled him back down into his seat. He grumbled a bit but otherwise didn’t say anything.

The bus ride went particularly smoothly. Chandler left Phil to his own devices so he could listen to music and text Nico that he was hanging out with some friends, to which Nico wondered who he was going with. He didn’t answer when Phil mentioned he was going with Chandler, Jane, and Charlie, but Phil didn’t think anything of it. He was going to be busy with his friends anyways, and therefore unable to respond quite as frequently while he was with them.

Once they arrived at their stop, Phil shoved his phone and earbuds into his jumper pocket, just as Chandler grabbed his hand excitedly and started to lead him off of the bus. “I’m so happy I get to spend some time with you!” she exclaimed, forcing a stab of guilt to rocket through Phil’s body. He tried to squash it down. He shouldn’t be feeling guilty for hanging out with his new boyfriend. Everybody got caught up in new relationships, not just him.

“It’s nice,” Phil agreed, allowing her to drag him along until they came to a Starbucks, where he caught sight of Jane and Charlie.

They both waved, broad grins on their faces, and began to walk towards Chandler and Phil with a hurried pace. “We’ve been waiting for you guys for ages!” Charlie complained once they were in earshot, pouting out his lip. His piercing sparkled in the light, and Phil watched it with rapt fascination. He always found piercings interesting, even though he was probably too much of a wimp to ever get one. The thought of inflicting pain upon himself on purpose was far too scary for him to even want to fathom.

“Sorry, I had to practically wrestle this one to come here,” Chandler replied, pointing an accusing thumb at Phil.

Phil scoffed. “Way to call me out,” he muttered, glaring at her.

It honestly hadn’t been that hard to pull him away from his evening plans. All she’d done was say that she missed him and Phil was quite literally putty in her hands. He’d never been good with confrontation, always admitting defeat as soon as it began to arise.

The group laughed at that and the subject was dropped just like that. They began to chat about anything that came to mind, filling the space with mindless banter and happy voices.

Phil chimed in when he could, laughed when he was supposed to, and zoned out when it didn’t matter.

“Oh yeah,” Charlie said at one point, pointing his finger at Phil accusingly. Phil raised his eyebrow. “I haven’t seen you since you started dating Nico. Mazel tov on the hottie.”

The phrase made Phil laugh, shaking his head. The one thing he always liked about Charlie was that he always said random things in Hebrew, thanks to his Jewish heritage. It never failed to make Phil giggle, no matter the situation. “Thanks,” he said, giving Charlie the biggest smile he could muster. “Nico makes me very happy.” “We can tell,” Jane told him, a little grin on her face that made her entire expression look soft.

They walked through stores and pointed out stupid dog themed pillows and shirts decorated with fruit patterns. It was surprisingly nice, despite Phil’s previous hesitation.

He liked hanging out with his friends. He liked laughing and having fun and not having to worry about the things he said. He liked that they didn’t judge him no matter what, that they didn’t bully him for being so deeply involved with someone after only a few weeks of being with someone. He liked that his cheeks hurt from smiling and his abs were sore, as if he were getting a workout just from laughing. He liked them as people.

He liked how Jane always made sure to express her love for her friends in any way she possibly could. How Charlie spent twenty minutes describing why America was dumb because they had built in closets. How Chandler never ceased to endlessly tease Phil about everything and anything.

God, Phil was a sap, but he couldn’t be more grateful for his little group of friends.

At least, until they pulled him into Topman and searched around for a while before finding a certain geometrical tank top and thrusting it at Phil.

“Try this on,” Jane demanded. She was absolutely beaming, looking really excited despite the fact that it was just a stupid tank top. Her cheeks were flushed and her bangs were flipping to the side, probably because she ran a hand through her hair without a second thought. “It’d look so amazing on you. It’s just your style! Look at these patterns and the colors, Phil!”

Phil froze, staring at the offending item with a frown. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much, honestly. Just yesterday he’d even liked it. There was no way his opinion should change just because a boy didn’t approve. “I’m good,” Phil said.

“C’mon, mate,” Charlie butted in, nodding towards the top. “Just for shits ‘n’ giggles. Nobody said you have to buy it.”

His friends hated him. They absolutely hated him. Because that was when they gathered in a circle around him, chanting, “do it, do it, do it” at the top of their lungs until fellow customers began to stare disapprovingly. Phil felt his ears turn red from the attention, felt those stares go straight to his core.

He grabbed the damn tank top and dragged it to the fitting room. Anything to get those unwanted stares away from him. Putting on the damn thing was much harder than he remembered it being yesterday. He crinkled his nose as he took off his own shirt, grunted as he stuck his arms through the tank top, groaned in annoyance as he stuck his head through it.

It took another minute to hype himself up enough to step out of the fitting room. “You’re not a slut,” Phil muttered to himself. Phil stared at himself in the mirror, but instead of seeing the confident man he’d seen beforehand, all he could see was how terrible he looked. How much of a slut he looked like. “You’ve only slept with two people before. You’re not a slut.”

He opened the door.

His friends stared at him with raised brows and condescending looks. He could feel the judgement pouring from their expressions from the way their eyes trailed over his torso where the shirt fit too tightly, over his arms which showed his biceps, over the mesh on the sides that showed a sliver of skin. There was no way they were having good thoughts about this, because he looked like a guy who screamed ‘I want sex!’ in this thing.

After a moment of consideration, Jane spoke, her voice warm and soft. “I actually love this on you,” she said, reaching out and tugging on the mesh. “It fits your body shape perfectly.”

“I have to say, you do slay,” Charlie told him, and he and Chandler shared a grin.

“Nice,” Chandler said.

All good things. Phil was surprised at this, but he didn’t voice it. Couldn’t they see how bad he looked? Couldn’t they see how much he wanted to tear the garment off of his body? How it made him feel too exposed?

But Phil wasn't sure they actually meant it. He didn’t want his new boyfriend thinking he was a slut, that was for sure. So why were his friends encouraging it?

“Nico said I looked like a slut in this when I tried it on yesterday,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Stares. His friends were staring at him.

Phil could feel his chest turning red. He knew he shouldn't have come today, if only to spare himself this embarrassment.

After a moment, Jane cleared her throat, and Phil’s eyes snapped over to her, waiting eagerly for her input.

“Isn’t that a bit…” she waved her hands, looking confused and concerned. Phil didn’t know why she was concerned at a time like this. “Isn’t that a bit of a red flag? Like, not good?” she asked finally, and Phil gaped at her.

“A red flag?” he repeated.

Chandler snorted and elbowed Jane in the stomach, making her grumble and glare back.

“Don’t be silly. People have preferences in style but it doesn’t mean it’s a red flag or anything. Besides, Phil does kind of look like a slut in the shirt.” She pursed her lips and stared at him contemplatively. “Not in a ‘showing cleavage’ kind of way, but more in a ‘I’m a fuckboy and I screw anyone who looks at me’ kind of way.”

Now it was Charlie’s turn to chuckle, rolling his eyes. “What great imagery, Chandler,” he said sarcastically. “I can see that, I guess. Although I still like it. It suits him.”

Phil frowned and he was pretty sure his entire body was red with embarrassment by now. He was hot, pretty much sweating, and he just wanted to get this damn piece of clothing off of his body already.

Phil could hardly believe the others could even dare to say that the shirt suited him, though still making him into a fuckboy. What would Nico think if he brought this home? He didn’t want to think about it.

“I’m taking this off,” he muttered, and shut the fitting room door before anyone could say anything else.

He took the dumb shirt off as quickly as possible, averting his eyes from the mirror, and left it hanging in the fitting room even though he wasn’t supposed to. He just couldn’t bear to touch it again.

His friends were chatting amongst themselves when he walked back out, sifting through clothes mindlessly. They seemed to be having fun, unaware of the battle going on inside of Phil’s head.

He didn’t know what was going on with him. He didn’t know why Nico’s comment made dread form in the pit of his stomach, or why he couldn’t seem to look at the shirt anymore. Usually, when someone commented on his clothing choice, he just rolled his eyes and bought it anyways, mentally flipping them off, but it seemed as if it were different with Nico, as if he were still trying to impress him even though they were already an item.

It was dumb, but Phil decided to just let it go. It was just a shirt anyway. He shouldn’t be this down about it.

At that moment, his phone began to ring loudly in his back pocket. It’d been ringing with texts every once in awhile, but he’d been ignoring it in favour of spending time with his friends. His friends motioned for Phil to follow them out of the store and he did so, answering the phone without looking to see who it was.

“Hello?” he asked, slightly distracted by the wild hand gestures Jane was making.

“Hey, sweet pea,” came the familiar American voice through his phone speaker.

Phil’s eyes widened and his lips immediately turned up into a bright grin. He always got extremely happy whenever Nico called him, no matter where he was or what he was doing. “Nico!” he exclaimed, earning wolf whistles from his little group of friends. “Why are you calling?”

“Do you not want me to call?” Nico asked, with something like sadness in his voice.

Shaking his head even though Nico couldn’t see him, Phil shot down that idea quickly. “No of course I like when you call! I’m just shopping with my friends, so it’s a bit loud in here.”

Nico hummed and there was the noise of running water in the background. Perhaps it was the sink? Or maybe a bath? “You weren’t answering my texts so I decided to call you.”

“Yeah, I’ve been a bit distracted. Sorry!”

“Is anybody hitting on you?” This time, there was a teasing edge to his voice and Phil cracked a smile.

“Of course not. There’s nobody but you, Nico. You know tha-.”

“Phil?”

The timid voice interrupted his denial, someone who was very much not on the phone. While it was a voice he vaguely recognised, it wasn’t one that belonged to either Nico or his group of friends. He glanced around until his eyes settled on the culprit, ignoring the way Nico was saying his name. “Hold on a sec, I’m putting the phone down, Nico,” Phil told his boyfriend and then let the phone dangle loosely in his hand by his side.

He then turned his attention onto the person who had spoken, a person who was staring at him with a stricken look on his face, as if he’d seen a ghost. It was Dan, his hair in curly ringlets and sporting a very large purple jumper with the word ‘Grandma’ written on it, surrounded by embroidered flowers. There was a girl standing next to him, someone with golden hair and bright blue eyes that Phil slightly recognised. He realised after a moment that it was Louise, the girl who used to go to LaBella’s with him.

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed, pretending he didn’t see the way Chandler’s eyebrows rose at the sight. “What are you doing here?” The question was a bit dumb, considering he was probably doing what everyone else was doing: shopping.

Dan grinned, his dimples showing, and he stuffed his hands into the large pocket of his hoodie. He was a very large guy, an impressive inch or two taller than Phil, but the jumper made him seem much smaller than he actually was.

“Shopping!” he replied, the obvious response. “It’s good to see you out of your work uniform. I’ve been wondering what your style would be like.”

His style? Phil glanced down at himself to remember what he was wearing. It wasn’t anything special, just a shirt with a roaring lion on it and black skinny jeans. Nothing to shout about. “You’re one to talk,” Phil told him, smirking. “I’ve seen you loads of time and this is the first I’ve heard that you’re a grandma.”

Dan laughed, loud and clear, a pink dusting rising to his cheeks. It was nice, something familiar and comforting even outside of work.

“Well you better believe it,” he said. “I wouldn’t be who I am today without my grandchildren.”

They grinned at each other, probably looking a bit too happy for just being server and customer, but it didn’t matter in that moment. Phil’s always enjoyed Dan’s company, so seeing him outside of work was definitely both interesting and pleasant. Phil didn’t have too much time to enjoy it fully before Chandler was butting in though, and she had that smile that made Phil wonder what she had planned.

As soon as she opened her mouth, Phil knew that he should have declined her invitation for a nice day out. “You’re Dan, correct? I’m Chandler. Phil’s told me loads about you!”

Phil gaped at her, half horrified, half angry, and he saw Dan raise his eyebrows from the corner of his eye. He couldn’t believe his friend would do him dirty like that, especially with something that wasn’t true. It was always Chandler who had talked about Dan, not Phil. “Chandler, don’t-”

Dan cut him off before he could get another word out, seemingly amused. “Is that so? All good things, I hope.”

“No worries,” Chandler assured him, Jane and Charlie gazing on in confusion, “I’ve heard you’re a lovely person.”

Dan absolutely beamed at that, his entire face brightening up with a smile. He was like the sun, all glowing warmth and golden rays, no clouds in sight. When he looked like that, Phil decided not to tell him that Chandler was lying out of her ass. He just let it go, tucking it inside himself and storing the knowledge of the lie inside of himself where no one could find it.

After a few more minutes of chitchatting, his friends decided they’d had enough of his dilly dallying. Charlie hissed at him to hurry up and Chandler was making ‘hurry up’ hand movements at him. Phil sighed, clutching his phone in his hand. He had almost forgotten that Nico was still on the line. Hopefully he hadn’t hung up.

“Looks like we gotta get out of here. It was good to see you again, Dan.”

Dan grinned and nodded, his dimple caving in his cheek. He reminded Phil of a happy puppy in that moment, tail wagging, eager to please. It was endearing. “I’ll see you soon. Have a good day!”

“You too,” Phil told him, and then they parted ways. Phil lifted the phone back up to his ear.

“Sorry about that. I’m back,” he told Nico.

“Who was that?” Nico asked immediately. There was something in his voice that made Phil weary, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Just one of my customers at work. His name’s Dan and he’s one of my regulars.”

“Does he hit on you?”

Phil laughed loudly and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “For the last time, nobody flirts with me!” he shrilled, and he caught Jane’s eyes. She was frowning, her brows furrowed in what seemed like concern, but he waved her off. There was no need to be concerned.

“I just don’t want someone to take you away from me,” Nico whined, leaving Phil to smile fondly.

“That won’t happen. Now I gotta go okay? My friends want to hang out with me.”

“Fine,” Nico agreed begrudgingly. “But text me.”

“I’ll text you,” Phil promised. They said their goodbyes and Phil slipped the phone back into his pocket, letting out a sigh.

His friends didn’t seem to mind Phil’s five minutes of fame, and they accepted him with pats on the back as he joined them again. Apparently they had decided to see Wonder Woman while he was on the phone, and Phil groaned because he’d just told Nico he’d text him. He hated breaking his promises.

So with a heavy heart, he sent Nico a text explaining what had happened. It took Nico only a few seconds to respond, and Phil didn’t know why it seemed so angry, the singular ‘K’ burning into his mind like a brand.

Chapter Five 

[luzrof-rulay]

Tales of Berseria - Post Game Thoughts

Topics:

Introduction

Gameplay (graphics, systems, all that technical jazz)

Plot

Sidequests

Characters

Character Relationships

Music

In Relation to Tales of Zestiria

In Conclusion

  Introduction

After playing Tales of Zestiria, I found myself yearning to know more about the world’s lore – especially since we only see one continent during the game. Having heard that Tales of Berseria is set in the same world, but 1,000 years prior to the events of ToZ, of course I wanted to play it.

And last night, I after about 40 hours of gameplay, I defeated the final boss.

This will be a post much like my Post-Game Thoughts for ToZ – a collection of my thoughts immediately after finishing the game. I also tweeted a few vagueish reactions whilst playing the game, so take a look at that thread if you want to!

I’ve tried to keep this post spoiler-free where I could, but there are a couple of sections which contain spoilers - I’ve marked them with asterisks like so: *** spoilers ***. The spoilers generally come at the end of a topic section, so if you’d rather avoid spoilers, just go on to the next topic section.

For a short general review: 4/5 stars. It took me a while to get into the story, and much longer to care much about the characters (aside from one or two from ToZ bias). I’d definitely recommend playing it if you’re a Tales Of fan.

As for whether to play it before or after ToZ if you’ve not played it: if you want the story in chronological order, go for ToB first; if you want a more heart-breaking experience, play ToZ first.

(I’ll elaborate later.)

Now, onto my thoughts.

Gameplay

Okay I know I said that ToZ was beautiful when I played it, but ToB is gorgeous too. Somehow it feels like they’ve managed to smoothen the camera and the motions of the characters to look even more natural. I also loved the 3D cutscenes which showed the characters in battle – they looked fluid and realistic.

The designs for the locations didn’t fail to look amazing, either. Even though there are a few locations we already know from ToZ, they managed to show new sides of those locations, giving more insight to how they have changed over the last 1,000 years. We also got a lot more locations, in that this time the player is able to visit locations all around the world rather than just on the main continent. It made the world feel more open in some ways, though personally I felt closed in when running on the field, since the areas were made much smaller instead of being the large, open fields of ToZ (which I know a lot of people felt looked too barren and empty, but I found myself loving).

The character designs were also great, though it took me a long time to get used to Velvet’s outfit (seriously, was that the only thing she could find in the prison?). Roukurou’s in particular is a design I love because of its traditional Japanese aesthetic.

(Eizen’s design, whilst perfect for him as a pirate, has far too many references to dragons for me to not feel sad looking at him.)

In this game, they’ve changed the system so a lot of the buttons are assigned to different actions than they are in previous Tales games (on the PS4, at least). It took me a long time to get used to the menu, and any time I went back to ToZ, the change was rather jarring. Still, I enjoy the look of the menu, as well as the new menu actions we are given (though I do miss the characters doing the cooking for me).

As for the battle system, I prefer the ToZ battle system to the ToB one. I felt restricted by having artes assigned to the four buttons instead of analog stick movements, but perhaps I still need to find a way which works for me in battle. I also didn’t enjoy having some of the action buttons moved, simply because it makes switching between games more jarring. The amount of times I’ve tried to guard on ToZ and ended up armatizing instead is one thing, but they really need to find a set input for mystic artes in these games, I’m not kidding.

(Speaking of mystic artes, a certain endgame boss uses the mystic arte Savage Wolf Fury. Way to copy Yuri Lowell, lol.)

One thing I did think they did well in terms of battle was the use of break souls – I found myself using them quite often, even though I didn’t use burst artes in ToV or blast artes in ToZ. For a while I didn’t understand how to fill the blast gauge, and I still think it’s a little tedious, but mostly I’ve been avoiding battles for my first playthrough, so I suppose if I do another I’ll find more effective battle strategies.

(Speaking of battle strategies, I missed the monoliths from ToZ. Not because of the information, just finding them was fun.)

The skills system is something I didn’t put much thought to in this playthrough, mostly because this was a story playthrough which I did on the easiest difficulty. Still, it might take me a while to wrap my head around enhancing/dismantling equipment, mostly because they’ve changed it from what I’m used to.

In all honesty, the game did feel more hack-and-slash than ToZ, mostly because there weren’t quite so many puzzles. In some ways, this was good because it allowed me to power through the game quickly. Still, I felt a lot of the dungeons were less interesting than they could have been, but it makes sense considering the cast of characters presented to us – most of them would rather break down a wall than solve a puzzle to open it.

(I did really like the design of that one earth temple, though, and the water one was really interesting too, especially since it actually had a puzzle. Nothing will beat the trial shrines, though.)

Plot

Tales of Berseria is a game set 1,000 years before ToZ, following a young girl named Velvet Crowe as she sets out for revenge against the Shepherd, Artorius. Throughout her journey, more people who have a bone to pick with Artorius’ Abbey join her.

I enjoyed the plot, I guess. It was certainly an interesting concept, especially since we ended up following a character whose morals weren’t exactly those of our usual ‘pure hero’ archetype. I feel like it became more interesting as time went on and more characters were introduced. The ending, I felt was definitely more than satisfying, and I loved getting more context on some of the things which are only glossed over during ToZ. For me, the pace of the game felt good, since something was happening all the time.

A lot of my problems are with the characters, since I am of the opinion that plot is pushed on by characters and the decisions they make.

Sidequests

I didn’t do many of the sidequests, mostly because my ToZ bias made me care more for Eizen and Zaveid than any of the other characters. I did feel that the two sidequests relating to these characters which I completed – the nor dolls sidequest and the white-horned dragon sidequest – fulfilled the majority of my hopes for more information about these characters in relation to later events. I’ll talk in more specifics later on, but I loved these sidequests a lot.

  Characters

Overall, the characters in this game were certainly interesting, though most of them differed from the type of characters I enjoy in fiction media. I’ll talk a little about the main cast and some of the NPCs.

*** This section contains a lot of spoilers for ToB. ***

Velvet

Our main girl, the revenge-lustful daemon Velvet. After Artorius sacrifices her brother Laphicet, she becomes a therion and swears to have her vengeance.

And I get it, I really do. But all she does is whine.

Okay, maybe that’s not quite true. But for a lot of the game, I felt that she was kind of annoying, since all she would do was talk about wanting to get revenge and telling the others that she doesn’t care about them, so long as she gets her revenge. And it makes sense, for her character, and I see why others might like her. But personally, that kind of character just rubs me the wrong way.

Now, after the plot twist/Phi telling her to “quit whining already” (bless you Phi), she actually became a much more interesting character to me. She showed a lot more of her caring side as well as focusing on her goal, and hence felt a lot less one-sided. I admire that she doesn’t regret the consequences of her actions which lead her to becoming the Lord of Calamity, and I also admire that what she wants isn’t calamity for the world – just vengeance. It gave a much more interesting aspect to the character of a Lord of Calamity – the idea that what they want isn’t necessarily calamity for the world, but vengeance for someone doing wrong against them.

(Honestly, it makes it interesting to look at Heldalf from ToZ with this perspective.)

Her ending is one which I didn’t expect, but it makes a lot of sense.

Phi (Laphicet)

My boy!!! Protect him at all costs!!!

It might be my ToZ bias coming in again, but I have loved Phi since before I played the game. He is a sweet and pure malak who isn’t afraid to learn more and understand about the world, and the balance of light and dark within it. Hell, he helps the Lord of Calamity and genuinely cares for her.

(This boy is such a Hufflepuff.)

He legitimately cares about people and wants to make the world a better place for everyone, and he understand that the world needs to have balance between light and darkness – not just pure light, free of sins, which is what Innominat represented. Innominat felt empty because a world without sin is a dead world, and he can’t feed on emotions of people who have none. Honestly, this aspect of the plot is my favourite, because it’s so interesting to see how these characters feel the world ought to be.

Phi is such a great character, and I love that as he gains his own free will and learns how to be alive, he is able to stand up for himself and not be the pushover that he seems to be from appearance alone.

(Thinking about his future makes my heart hurt, but that didn’t stop me from giving him the bookworm Sorey attachment. For reasons.)

Roukurou Rangestu

For a while, I didn’t care that much about Roukurou’s story, but by the end of it, I really loved it. As a character, he is super interesting – calm and chill and laid-back, but able to get fired up and angry and filled with the desire to kill his brother. He doesn’t care that he is a daemon – it’s just who he is, and I love that.

I love his traditional Japanese aesthetic, as I mentioned before. I love that it extends past his appearance into his fighting style and even the food and drink he enjoys.

Magilou

I didn’t expect to love Magilou as much as I do, and yet here I am. She’s a super interesting and fun character, even more so once you consider her backstory and future. If you played ToZ before ToB, like I did, then her real surname might make you understand her motives a little more, because I felt like it did for me.

Eleanor Hume

I actually enjoyed Eleanor’s character a lot more than I thought I might, and I think that’s because I understand her viewpoint more than most of the main cast’s. Rather than seeking vengeance, she wants purity and peace for the world, but soon figures out that the Shepherd Artorius who she once followed has ideals which she does not agree with after spending time alongside daemons and malakhim.

Her development makes her character feel a lot more fleshed out and interesting, and her backstory makes it clear why she wants what she does.

Eizen

I saved him for last of the main party because I know I’m going to ramble a bit here. Apologies in advance.

I love Eizen so much???? Like I knew I’d like him because I’ve played ToZ and I love Edna but oh my god I love Eizen.

To start with, his Reaper’s Curse is something I found super interesting. I already knew from ToZ that it’s possible for seraphim/malakhim to have a curse instead of a blessing, but for some reason I really didn’t expect it with Eizen. It makes a really nice contrast to Edna, who mentions in a skit in ToZ that she has strangely good luck. Seriously, siblings with contrasting blessings? I’m in love.

(You would think they would cancel each other out, but I suppose Edna’s good luck is that she survived all the shit that happened to her when Eizen was around lol.)

I also love Eizen’s personality so much. He’s similar to Edna in some ways – stubborn and wayward and never straightforward about his personal emotions. Still, he geeks out about things like a typical middle aged man would about a car (fujibayashi’s rod, anyone?). I love that he has so many interests and so much knowledge… knowledge which ends up being outdated or wrong half the time lol.

(I finally understand that one ToZ skit (‘Edna talks about her brother’) where Rose asks if Eizen was like Sorey and Edna says “Maybe.” They’re both as adventure-crazy and interested in ancient artefacts as each other.)

And then there’s his fate – the malevolence he takes in from Theodora which will eventually turn him into a dragon. Since I’ve already played ToZ, I knew this would happen, which makes it all the more heart-breaking knowing exactly how that’s going to play out.

Zaveid

I had to talk about Zaveid here okay he’s half the reason I played this game in the first place.

Zaveid.

Who hurt you?

(That’s what we find out through his ToB sidequest lol.)

I had already heard that his character is a little different in ToB because some stuff happens to him, but I never expected it to hurt this much. He was so happy? Finally free of being a slave? Happy to just go around fighting but never killing? Checking in on a little family he cares about? Probably hoping to start his own one day?

I feel so bad for Zaveid. So, so bad. I love him so much. He has been through so much but I understand now why he is the way he is in ToZ. They really did a good job of filling up the holes in his development, because I remember after finishing ToZ the first time that I wished I knew more about Zaveid. Now I do, and I understand him better for it.

Others

Artorius was a really interesting villain. It was nice to see a Shepherd who had fallen so much, who had lost hope in humanity to the degree that he felt that taking away the emotions which create humanity was the only way to save it. His final scene is actually heart-wrenching.

The other side characters are all also really interesting, for the most part, and I felt they got good amounts of development.

(What I didn’t enjoy was Kamoana. I liked her story, but her English VA put me off her so much for some reason. Her voice grates on me so much.)

  Character Relationships

I’m not going to talk too much about this, because there isn’t much to say. In this game, however, the relationships between the main cast feel so much less like the ‘found family’ we get in ToZ. It’s definitely a ‘selfish co-dependence’ or whatever they call it. They use each other for their own ends, and sure they care about each other to an extent, but they are mostly self-focused, in my opinion.

Perhaps, in a second playthrough, I’ll have more appreciation for the relationships between these main characters.

  Music

If you’ve seen my ToZ Thoughts post, then you know I’m a massive music nerd. One of the things I love most about video games is the soundtracks.

Tales of Berseria’s soundtrack isn’t really all that striking, in my opinion. Sure, the music is good – I’m listening to the soundtrack as I write this post – but none of it is particularly stand-out amazing. I can’t really pick out a theme which I love above all, because none of them struck me all that much. I’m actually a little disappointed in how lacking this game is in the music department.

That having been said, a few of the tracks from ToZ have been re-used for this game, so I’m not complaining. I loved that they kept ‘Zaveid the Exile’, and the fact that they used the slow, calm part for the battle against the dragon gave me chills which I haven’t experienced since ‘The Full Moon and the Morning Star’ in the battle on the Zaphias Sword Stair in ToV.

I did enjoy a couple of the battle and area themes, and the music which plays in the two elemental shrines we visit (the water one’s called Palamides but I forget the earth one’s name) was beautiful. There were also arrangements of other themes mixed in there, but once again, none of them struck me very much.

The opening theme – Burn by FLOW – is one which, I’ll admit, I love a lot. Both this game and TOZX have introduced me to FLOW’s music, and Burn and Kaze no Uta have become two of my favourite songs. The part in Burn where the strings fade out and we get a guitar riff is honestly my favourite thing. Whilst I prefer White Light from ToZ, I still loved Burn as an opening.

  In Relation to Tales of Zestiria

This section is basically an excuse for me to rave about the connections between Berseria and Zestiria, and why those connections made the game more enjoyable for me as a whole. This does in fact mean it requires the following warning:

*** Major spoilers for Tales of Berseria and Tales of Zestiria follow. ***

I’ve already said that I played ToB because of its connection to ToZ. This meant that, when playing ToB, all the connections really meant a lot to me as a fan.

The most obvious thing to start with, I suppose, would be the world and its locations. Seeing towns and fields which I recognised and could place geographically from where they are in the future gave me a lot of joy, and I love that I now understand how Glenwood becomes how it is in the future, geographically speaking. I actually edited the map of Glenwood on top of the map of ‘Wasteland’ (that’s apparently the ToB world’s name) and marked where the locations in ToZ are in relation to those in ToB, and it definitely helped a lot.

Below are two images of that map, so you can also see how things have changed. It’s interesting to see how little the main continent actually changed, save perhaps for the drying up of a couple of areas which were once seas/lakes. I’m convinced that some if the islands surrounding the continent definitely shift to make some of the features present in modern-day Glenwood’s map, such as a couple of islands in the north. I also think perhaps Eastgand moved towards Midgand, but I’m not entirely sure.

Credit for the maps: Glenwood | Wasteland

Another thing which becomes clear thanks to ToB is how the situation of the world in terms of malevolence and shepherds comes to be in ToZ. That is mostly thanks to the fact that we learn of Maotelus’ origins, and by linking that up with what we know of him from the iris gems, we can see that once he became the Fifth Empyrean, he spread his flames of purification across the world and became the prime lord for shepherds who would swear to purify the malevolence in the world whilst allowing people to live and have a second chance at life.

Maotelus obviously stays as the prime lord for all these shepherds until a calamity 200 years before ToZ, which is when we hear of the last known shepherd having lived. After that point, I assume the belief that people had in Maotelus fell, and he continued to give his blessing to the continent until 20 years before ToZ, when the Age of Chaos began, and the malevolent Maotelus is bound to Heldalf, the Lord of Calamity of the time. Lailah, not wanting there to be no chance of there being a new shepherd, takes the oath in order to gain the powers of purification, and is unable to speak about the events surrounding Maotelus due to this.

I feel like this explains why Zaveid, in ToZ, says he has a score to settle with Maotelus – because he knew Phi, however briefly, and obviously he had heard that Phi became Maotelus, the new Fifth Empyrean. When Maotelus suddenly disappeared, Zaveid must have thought that he gave up on purifying the world, or something similar. That’s why he has a score to settle with him – the Phi he met would not give up as easily as this.

Maotelus managed to hold out against malevolence for probably 200 years as people stopped sending prayers to him. He did not give up easily, but was forced to, once people desecrated his shrine.

This means, ultimately, that Lailah is most likely the only one aside from Mayvin and the survivors of Camlann who knows what actually happened back then. Zaveid learns the truth at the same time as everyone else – the only help he had was having known Maotelus back when he was Phi.

There is so much more about the connections between ToB and ToZ that I could rave on about, but these were the main two which relate directly to my understanding of the world which I haven’t already spoken about in non-spoilery detail.

(I’m thinking of saving discussion of Zaveid’s backstory and Eizen and Edna for some meta posts I’ve been planning. Feel free to yell with me about them in my ask box though!)

  In Conclusion

I liked Tales of Berseria, but had I not played Tales of Zestiria beforehand, I don’t think I would have been so invested in it as I ended up being, because I had already fallen in love with what I knew of the world in ToZ, and what I loved most about ToB were the connections to that world. Really, I can see now why I relate with Sorey and Mikleo so much – because it’s the history and the lore of the world, and the backstories of the characters I already knew from the future, which made this game as enjoyable to me as it was.

I enjoyed playing the game, and I’m glad that I did experience it for myself. However, Tales of Zestiria will always be the game which I prefer in this universe.

That isn’t to say that it might not be different for you, if you’ve not read it, though. Playing both games is really useful if you want to understand the world a lot better, even if you play ToB first – playing ToZ afterwards gives you an idea of how the world has changed for the better, as well as how one or two of the characters are doing. I definitely recommend playing or watching both games, if you can.

Now we’ve reached the end of this post, I’d like to thank you for reading it! If you want to discuss anything with me, please feel free, because I love this universe and would love to share thoughts and opinions on it!

[jewishphilosophyplace]

Haredi Transgender (Abby Stein)

In the depressing and dreary state of our political world in the Age of Trump, this is touching and lovely story about the power of transformation and self-creation is life affirming. For those who can’t get behind the Ha’aretz paywall here I’m posting below the piece by Debra Nussbaum Cohen about Abby Stein, who was born and ordained as a Hasidic rabbi and then transitioned from male to female, leaving her community to find new cultural and spiritual connections.

  By Debra Nussbaum Cohen Feb 14, 2017

NEW YORK – Abby Stein is almost certainly the only ordained Hasidic rabbi who is also a woman. Stein wasn’t female when ordained, of course. She was a young man, soon to be married to a woman also from the strict Satmar community in which they were both raised.

While Stein – then named Yisroel and nicknamed Srully – had long had unsettling feelings about her gender identity, when she married at age 18 in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and moved to Monsey, she had no idea that just a few years later her life would be radically different.

But it is. Today Stein, 25, is a Columbia University student, divorced, no longer ultra-Orthodox – and female.

Abby, as she is now known, is a petite young woman with shoulder-length brown hair, whose religious origins are detectable only in the Yiddish accent and cadence of her speech. Estrogen has made her face softer and her body more womanly, and has even induced PMS-like mood swings.

Abby Stein today after undergoing gender transitioning, leaving the religious world, getting a divorce and becoming a student at Columbia University. Debra Nussbaum Cohen She is happier than she has ever been and plans to work on transgender issues in public policy. She may even one day run for local public office.

The sixth of 13 children, Stein was her parents’ first son. It was an upbringing full of cousins, weddings and Shabbos tisches (Friday night community gatherings) with the rebbe. Her father is related in five different ways to the Baal Shem Tov, the mystical 18th-century rabbi and founder of Hasidism. As such, the family has customs that reflect its status. While in strict Hasidic communities women don’t drive, Stein men don’t either. They don’t eat in restaurants and work only in Jewish education. After bar mitzvah the boys wear white knee socks rather than black ones — something most Satmar men do only after marriage.

When young Stein questioned her father about why they didn’t go to amusement parks during the Passover and Sukkot festivals like most Hasidim, he would respond that those things were “pas nisht” — simply “not done” – by Steins.

Something nagged at the little boy from an early age, although she lacked the language to describe it. In the bathtub at age 4, she’d prick her penis with pins because, as Stein tells Haaretz now, “It just felt like it didn’t belong there. I realized right away that I couldn’t tell anyone.”

She voraciously read articles about organ transplant from Yiddish language newspapers Der Yid and HaMaspik, thinking “someday I’ll get a full-body transplant.” At age 11, Stein added a personal prayer to her bedtime recitation of the daily Shema (confession of faith) prayer: to wake up a girl.

At 15 Stein went to a high-school yeshiva of the Vizhnitz Hasidic community in upstate New York. One day a classmate gave her a Hebrew-language translation of Richard Friedman’s “Who Wrote the Bible?” That led Stein to read “The God Delusion” by atheist Richard Dawkins, and to the discovery in the yeshiva library of books by Rabbi Yitzhak Moshe Erlanger, a scholar of kabbalah, Jewish mysticism.

Students at the yeshiva typically returned home one weekend a month, and Erlanger was in Williamsburg one Shabbat when Stein was there. They spoke for hours and the rabbi gave her an important work about kabbalah to read. “For the first time,” Stein recalls now,

“I realized that gender could be fluid.”

At 17, Stein’s parents conducted the requisite research for a girl recommended by a shadchan (matchmaker) and the two met for a b’show at the girl’s married sister’s apartment. While theoretically either of them could have declined the match, when the prospective groom arrived the table was already set to celebrate their engagement. “It’s extremely taboo” to turn down such a match, similar to breaking an engagement in the non-ultra-Orthodox world, says Stein.

The bride called Stein’s mother every week, but Stein herself had no contact with the bride during the year leading up to their wedding. The night before the chuppah, she went to the rebbe’s son for marital instruction. She was told they were to have sex only on Friday and Tuesday nights, after midnight, in the dark and in one position. Gender identity doubts persisted, Stein says, but “I kept telling myself everything would be fine.”

They lived in Monsey and were soon expecting a child. Stein’s feelings rose up anew, she says. “Gender began punching me in the face.” Stein got her hands on a smartphone and, in the bathroom at a mall, began her search. “The first thing I Googled was boy turning into a girl. Then I found a Hebrew Wikipedia page about transgender. I couldn’t read English” (Yiddish is the predominant language among the Satmar sect and in its schools).

She also found an online Israeli forum for trans people. “I realized, ‘Wow, there’s a whole world out there’ and that freaked me out,” says Stein. This was before Caitlyn Jenner and the television show “Transparent,” when there was relatively open, public conversation about trans people.

The couple’s son, Duvid, was born in January 2012; a year later, Stein told her wife that she was a non-believer. They talked about leaving Satmar for a more modern community because “we were still trying to make it work.”

Stein joined the New York-based Footsteps organization, which supports people leaving ultra-Orthodox communities, started taking English as a second language at a local community college, explored various online trans communities and opened a Facebook account as “Chava.” With a Footsteps tutor she prepared to take the high-school equivalency test.

Eventually Stein and her wife separated. She worked in Williamsburg and lived with her parents, with whom she was still close; her wife lived with Duvid at her parents’. At first father and son saw each other weekly, until the wife’s parents decided they could not meet unless their daughter was granted a get, a divorce, and Stein promised not to change her appearance and agreed to see the child just once a month.

Hard-hitting depression

After enrolling in a college-preparation program offered by Columbia University, Stein started spending time at the Hillel Jewish students’ organization on campus, and later applied to the school at Columbia designed for students from non-traditional backgrounds. On her application, which required a lengthy essay, she wrote simply, “I grew up in New York City but until I was 20, I never saw a movie, went to a Broadway show or listened to music” – and was accepted.

Once immersed in studies, Stein hoped her gender identity issues would fade, but several weeks into her first semester depression hit hard; she couldn’t get out of bed. A counselor at the university said he thought the student was hiding something.

Yisroel “Srully” Stein, before coming out as a trans woman named Abby. She is happier than she has ever been before, she says today. Eve Singer By then she had begun using women’s deodorant and letting her hair grow, but wasn’t yet ready to confront gender transitioning head-on. The depression intensified and she looked for a new therapist. At the LGBT center in lower Manhattan, a staffer told Stein she was trans. After working at a Jewish camp that summer, she began to transition. Stein began taking estrogen and a testosterone blocker in September 2015, and started coming out to friends. One showed up with a bag of women’s clothes, another taught her how to apply makeup. She began going to trans support groups.

Stein still dressed outwardly as male though “emotionally it was getting harder” not to make the full transition. She wanted to tell her parents personally about her decision so they didn’t hear it through gossip. One Shabbat, back at home, Stein says she lit candles — solely a woman’s ritual — which she had been doing privately for a year.

“My mother said, ‘You look different,” says Stein, but didn’t ask any specific questions. Taking estrogen has changed Stein, in the interim. A receding hairline has filled in and her hair has grown thicker. Her cheekbones have become fuller, she has breasts and her hips have widened. Her son Duvid, now 5, started calling her “Mama” as soon as she got her ears pierced, she says.

Stein started attending Romemu, a Jewish Renewal, egalitarian Jewish congregation in Manhattan, and became close to its rabbi, David Ingber. He offered to speak with Stein’s father, and they met in late 2015.

“It was the first time [my father] saw me wearing earrings. He said, ‘It would be easier for me to talk to you while you’re wearing a kippah,’” Stein recalls.

Yisroel Stein with his son Duvid and his parents. After Yisroel became Abby, a trans woman, she was called “Mama” by Duvid when she got her ears pierced. Abby Stein Her father, who runs a Williamsburg yeshiva for troubled youth, didn’t say much. “He stayed frozen,” Stein says. “He said, ‘I don’t believe it [transgender] exists.’ I showed him kabbalistic and Hasidic ideas. He said, ‘Why would you do that – women are so much less than men?’ Then he said, ‘You know this means I probably can’t talk to you ever again.’ He stood up, thanked David for taking care of me. He didn’t say goodbye to me, he just walked out the door.”

Her parents have not spoken with her since. Stein called home before the Jewish New Year last fall but got no response from her mother, who answered the phone. “It is painful,” says Stein, who likes baking challah her mother’s way.

Speaking out

Stein had her name legally changed from Yisroel to Abby Chava. Now her birth certificate, driver’s license and school ID indicate that she is female. In an emergency room recently after being hit by a car, a doctor asked when her last menstrual period was. Stein and her ex-wife haven’t spoken directly since their divorce. The woman’s new husband turns Duvid over when Stein comes to pick him up.

Today Stein wears a triangle charm necklace. Two corners bear symbols for male and female, while the third indicates transgender. She is dating a woman. And she is on a waiting list for sexual reassignment surgery.

At Columbia she’s majoring in political science, and women’s and gender studies. She teaches Hebrew school at Romemu and at the Congregation B’nai Jeshurun, and recently started a part-time community engagement job at the Manhattan borough president’s office.

Stein is also writing a memoir, and someone is making a documentary about her. As the only Hasid in America to come out publicly as transgender, she is in great demand as a speaker from Limmud Jewish education organization, to college and LGBTQ groups. She also runs an online support group for Hasidic trans people.

Most importantly, Stein notes now, she has never felt better.

“I experienced cycles of depression since I was 12,” she says. “Now I have mood swings, but I can deal with that by watching Netflix and eating pickles.”

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[thebeautyoftorah]

Massei

bs'd

Shalom. The thought of this week from my book 'Healing Anger' "In our commitment to conquer anger, we must focus on improvement, not on perfection". Buy my book at http://www.feldheim.com/healing-anger.html If you want to buy it from me in Israel let me know. This article is based partially on the ideas of R' Baruch Leff. To support this publication or if you know anyone who is interested in receiving it, please contact me. Feel free to forward these words of Torah to any other fellow Jew. Enjoy it and Shabbat Shalom. Massei-Action is What Really Counts This week's parsha opens with a discussion regarding the laws of making and annulling vows. One law mentioned is that a husband is allowed to annul his wife's vows if she makes a vow that affects their relationship negatively.

Rashi [1] describes the following case: "The verse says, 'G-d will forgive her.' This is describing a case in which a woman took a nazarite vow (no wine, no haircuts, or becoming defiled from the dead) and her husband annulled it for her. She was unaware that it was nullified and she violated her vow by drinking wine and becoming impure from the dead. She needs forgiveness even though her vow had been annulled. And if those whose vows were nullified need forgiveness, how much more do those whose vows have not been nullified."

In this case, the woman is being told that she needs atonement and forgiveness for merely intending to commit a transgression without actually committing one. This leads us to a perplexing question. Doesn't this contradict a statement from the Gemara [2], "Hashem does not take evil intentions into account if they were not carried to fruition"? This being the case, why does G-d hold the woman's evil intentions against her? The fact is that she did not violate her vow since her husband had annulled it. Why does it matter if she was unaware of his annulment or not?

We derive from the solution to this dilemma a fundamental lesson for Jewish living and philosophy. Actions are what count, not merely thoughts. If we think about murdering someone but never do anything to act upon it, then we've done nothing wrong and G-d holds nothing against us. But if we make concrete plans to kill, prepare the weapon, the getaway, and the alibi, but the gun broke and the shots are not fired, then while it is true that we haven't murdered anyone, it is also true that we will be prosecuted for attempted murder.

"Hashem does not take evil intentions into account if they were not carried to fruition" only applies if the evil intention remained solely in the realm of thought. But if any definitive action was taken to bring the evil to its realization, the perpetrator needs forgiveness and atonement. Albeit, the atonement will not be as difficult to achieve had the action been carried out just as a criminal gets less jail time for attempted murder than for actual murder.

Actions are what count, not merely thoughts. This principle applies also when performing good and positive deeds. Let's face it, does anyone really believe that "it's the thought that counts"? If someone gets another tie for his father's birthday, do you really feel that "it's the thought that counts," or do you think that if the person really cared they would have put more effort into finding a more appropriate and meaningful gift? Is it enough to tell our spouse that we thought about calling them during the day, or do we need to actually call for it to be consequential?

Why are actions so important? Why aren't thoughts enough[3]? Sefer HaChinuch [4] addresses the issue (loose translation): "Why did G-d bind us with so many commandments? Know that a man becomes who he is based on his actions. Thoughts of his heart, and his intentions, always follow the lead of his actions, whether for good or evil. Even a very wicked person who decides to suddenly perform good actions will transform quickly into a righteous individual. The same is true for a righteous person who carries out evil actions. He will become evil."

Many other sources praise the powerful effects actions can have upon a person. The Mesilat Yesharim, written by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzato, circa 1700, (Chapter 7, Chelkai Zerizut -- Steps Toward Enthusiasm) put it this way: "The man whose soul burns in the service of G-d will certainly not become lazy in the performance of His commandments, but his movements will be like that of a rapid fire. He will not rest or be at ease until the deed is completed. In addition, just as "zerizut," enthusiasm can result from an inner burning, so too it will create one. This means that one who perceives a quickening of his outer, physical movements in the performance of a commandment causes himself to experience an inner flaming movement as well, through which longing and desire will continually grow. If, however, he is sluggish in the movement of his limbs, the movement of his spirit and soul will die down and become extinguished. We all know this from experience."

The feelings of empathy we experience for our brethren all around the world, but they cannot remain mere feelings. They must translate into actions. We have all, most likely, accepted something upon ourselves and improved spiritually during these tumultuous times. The question though is whether we have been consistently successful in maintaining our commitments. We must re-assess our status in our new acceptances. And if we find that we have failed, we should reduce them or change focus to another area we find more manageable. In this way, we don't allow our strong, spiritual, compassionate feelings to dissipate without becoming attached to a more permanent and meaningful action.

Actions are what count, not merely thoughts.

If we cannot naturally cry anymore when we hear of the assimilation or the terrorist attacks worldwide due to our numbness, we must not surrender to what, in effect, becomes apathy. As hard as it has become for us, we must dwell on the tragedies, put ourselves in their position, imagine the suffering they have gone through, and cry for them.

This is our responsibility as Jews to "feel the burden of our colleagues and friends" [5]. And what if after all this, we still cannot bring about the pain and tears?

At such a point, we must make ourselves cry, even artificially. We could begin to think of some tragic event that could occur in our lives that might bring us to tears. If this brings us to grief, we can then re-apply our tears to the tragedies that the Jewish People is suffering. By externally producing tears, we will affect our deadened internal feelings to a soulful flame of passionate and sincere sadness for the situation of our people. ____________________________________________ [1] Bemidbar 30:6. [2] Kiddushin 40a. [3] According to mystical sources this world is called olam hasiya 'the world of doing'. [4] Circa 1300. [5] Pirke Avot 6:6.

Le Iluy nishmat Eliahu ben Simcha, Mordechai ben Shlomo, Perla bat Simcha, Abraham Meir ben Leah,Moshe ben Gila,Yaakov ben Gila, Sara bat Gila, Yitzchak ben Perla, Leah bat Chavah, Abraham Meir ben Leah,Itamar Ben Reb Yehuda, Yehuda Ben Shmuel Tzvi, Tova Chaya bat Dovid.

Refua Shelema of Yitzchak ben Mazal Tov, Yaacov ben Miriam, Yehuda ben Simcha, Menachem Chaim ben Malka, Naftali Dovid ben Naomi Tzipora, Nechemia Efraim ben Beyla Mina, Gila bat Tzipora, Tzipora bat Gila, Dvir ben Leah, Sender ben Sara, Eliezer Chaim ben Chaya Batya, Noa bat Batsheva Devorah,Shlomo Yoel ben Chaya Leah  and Dovid Yehoshua ben Leba Malka. Atzlacha to Daniel ben Mazal Tov, Debora Leah Bat Henshe Rachel, Shmuel ben Mazal tov, Yehuda ben Mazal Sara and Zivug agun to Gila bat Mazal Tov, Naftali Dovid ben Naomi Tzipora, Yehudit bat Malka, Elisheva bat Malka.