#totally legit recap

[howlingday]

Yang: So, where did you two lovebirds meet?

Jaune: We met at the museum at a petrified wood exhibit.

Yang: What's petrified wood?

Ruby: It's a fossil. It's wood that's hardened into a rock after millions of years.

Yang: Oh, but does it take that long for his wood-

Ruby: Yang, I swear to god, don't fucking start.

Jaune: Actually, we haven't had sex.

Yang: What, do you have confidence issues?

Yang: Like, are you too... PETRIFIED to get WOOD~?

Ruby: God fucking dammit, Yang, get the fuck out of here!

[str8aura-no-not-that-one]

filed under 'scenes from abridged series i am literally always thinking about'

[imjusthereforironwood]

Featuring a wacky group of side characters like tired cyborg dad, a Clockwork Orange cosplayer, an edgy dead Chick Fil A mascot, the mom who went out for milk, and a living ice cream bar.

Sometimes a family is a girl who laser-beams monsters with her eyeballs, a class traitor, a rebel cat princess, the concept of California beaches made flesh, a support main who moonlights as a criminal, the pink goddess of thunder, a dead cereal mascot, an invisibility cloak of emotions, a 5000 year old farmboy, and a depressed bird.

[silelda]

Price: *walks in on 141 arguing* So...what's going on?

Ghost: You want the long version or the short version?

Price: The short one, I guess?

Ghost: Shit's fucked.

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Scout: You know, Ma, I finally realized something. I am an asshole! But it's okay, because I've found my people.

[welcomehomeincorrectquotes]

Narrator: Meanwhile, Jax is super satisfied with himself because he's tricked Wally into regaling Caine and Bubbles with tales of his friend's exploits instead of supervising this episodes' lesson.

Jax: *laying back and smugly eating popcorn*

Wally: *casually without changing his tone* ...that's how we managed to build a ladder to the moon, befriended the Moon Princess and saved the world so that Jax here could learn about friendship.

Jax: *pauses mid-bite as Wally turns to look at him, a knowing look in his eyes*

Wally: *leans towards Jax's ear, whispering* Now let's go, you *HONK*ing amateur.

Jax: *is so shocked by the tonal whiplash that he lets himself be dragged away*

Narrator: Jax doesn't realise it yet, but Wally has spent his entire life with Home and all his crazy friends. His Bull-*HONK* Detector is more finely honed than your katana.

[emmikay]

Ed: So… what’s going on?

Mustang: You want the long version or the short version?

Al: The short one, I guess?

Mustang: Shit’s fucked.

Ed: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

[incorrect-starbula]

Peter: The great thing about alcohol is it’s cheap, everyone likes it and it makes all your problems go away. And you can share it with all your friends!

Adam: That sounds amazing! But there must be a catch, right?

Peter: The only catch is that you can never, ever stop drinking, or all the problems will come back and they’ll be even worse now because you didn’t deal with them when you should have.

Adam: That’s it?

Peter: That’s it.

Nebula, in the background: Liver damage.

[angelhareincorrectquotes]

Segan: You know, I finally realized something. I am an asshole! But it’s okay, because I’ve found my people.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Gamzee: i’Ve GoTtA pIcK uP a FeW pArTy SuPpLiEs

Karkat: NO SLIME, GAMZEE.

Gamzee: BuT i WaNt It! :O(

[incorrectcultofthelambquotes]

Ratau: So... what’s goin’ on?

Lamb: You want the long version or the short version?

Ratau, hesitantly: The short one, I suppose?

Lamb: Shit’s fucked.

Ratau: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

[howlingday]

Sun: Hey, Jaune! Want a hug~?

Jaune: Yes... Please...

Sun: Ha! I'm just kidding! Get fucked!

Jaune: THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Sun: Whatever! I'm the best blond dick, and there's no way you're gonna beat me in any sort of popularity contest!

Yang: Suck my dick, Sun!

Sun: Whip it out, bitch; I'll make you wanna marry me~.

[str8aura-no-not-that-one]

Apparently before hiring Alumx to do Chrysalis' voice, Scootertrix the Abridged considered DWK for that role until he turned it down, which is a sentence that makes sense to three people but makes me lose my mind regardless

[youjustwaitsunshine]

i have a homework due today and ive barely started but its christmas season so i will follow my beloved lecturers (not the one who gave the homework) advice from his uni days, drink a glass of red wine and then write it all in one go

[silelda]

Ghost: One thing I love about Price is that he understands the value of a good bitch slap. He's very courteous, he always try to talk sense into people first. But the Captain here clearly recognizes that sometimes people don't listen to reason and you just gotta smack 'em around a little bit.

[khande11]

Dean: I can never give Millie shit because I'm jealous of them. They look at their life and say, 'Sweet! This is perfect!'

Dean: I look at my life and say, 'Welp. Time to get drunk.'