#torn between writing for myself in that i write my own experience

[ghoulodont]

mere hours into even considering this fic concept and im already tearing my hair out about logistical details and researching everything. there so many different experiences in this beautiful world and i have to pick between which to write

tangentially related: if the ministry is in sweden (is it??) then why are so many people italian

[divinesangel]

— 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞

pm me for a personal reading!

— 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐚 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞!

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏

my dearest,

as i write this letter to you, my heart is filled with excitement and anticipation for the life we will share together. every word i write comes from a place of genuine affection and admiration. there's nothing i would love more than to shower you with my affection in love, the love that i've been saving to myself for many years now. i've been waiting for you for such a long time and i still am. i can't wait for the day that we get to do endless things together, visit, many places, and do many things together. you inspire me to grow and to expand myself in ways i haven't been able to before. i'm quite eager to see our future together unfolding in abundance and prosperity. i'm pretty sure we will build a life filled with stability, harmony, and security, which is more than i could ever ask for. i will protect our connection and our home will be like a sanctuary, a place where love and joy will be present, and where we will be able to create our own family.

you need to know that i will always stick by you through thick and thin, to support you in anything that you need, in your endeavors and your dreams, and to always work to make our connection happen and for our future family to thrive. i'm pretty sure that we will be able to any storm that comes our way. although sometimes i'd rather keep the bad news to myself so you don't have to experience any negativity, i promise to always communicate with you and show you my commitment to honesty and transparency, even when the truth may be difficult to face.

i will always cherish you and take care of you. my love for you knows no bounds, and i am thankful for every moment we share. your happiness is my greatest priority, and i will do everything in my power to ensure that you feel loved, cherished, and appreciated each and every day. with you as my partner, i know that anything is possible.

until we meet again, know that you hold my heart in your hands, now and forever.

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐

my love,

my heart overflows with warmth and anticipation for the journey that lies ahead of us. it's as if fate itself has brought us together and knew that we were always meant to be together. even if we haven't met yet, i just know that our connection will be instant as i feel the sparks even now. it's all gonna be magical, reminding me that our story is guided by something greater than ourselves. i'm impatient for the day we will get to experience that. my soul fell for you the moment it entered my body.

every time i think of you, my mind drifts back to the innocence and purity of childhood, like the sweet nostalgia. you remind me of something sweet, although distant. it's probably due to our souls knowing each other for lifetimes, finding solace and comfort in the familiarity of our bond.

my greatest desire is to see you happy, to witness the glow of joy radiating from your being and being there by your side to see you overflow with happiness; being there for you every time you need me. i know you'll be there for me as well, and it such a comfort for my heart. hand in hand, we can make anything possible.

with all my love, your future spouse

— 𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑

my most precious,

i find myself grappling with the complexities of life, feeling torn between the various paths laid out before me. there are moments when i question whether i am truly ready for what lies ahead, whether i possess the strength and clarity to navigate the challenges that await. the truth is, my love, there are aspects of my life that i am still coming to terms with, aspects that fill me with uncertainty and doubt. i am confronted with decisions that demand my attention, choices that require me to confront my deepest fears and desires.

but then, amidst the chaos of my mind, there is you. with you, my love, everything changes. in your presence, i find a sense of peace and clarity that i have never known before. it's as if the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders, and suddenly, everything feels possible. you have this remarkable way of making me feel like everything will be alright. your unwavering faith in me, your boundless love and support—it fills me with a sense of courage and conviction that i never knew i possessed.

there are many things i'd like to talk to you about that have to do with how i've been feeling. things that i've never dared to tell anyone else out of fear they might not get it as well as you will. i've experienced dark times in the past that i'm trying to come into terms with, and i will tell you all about it.

it's as if you are my guiding light, leading me through the darkness and showing me the way forward. yes, there may still be moments of doubt and uncertainty, but with you, my love, i know that i am not alone. with you, i feel as though i can face whatever the future may hold with courage and grace.

yours always, x

𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢 𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

hi! it's daphne here.

i'm currently offering personal readings for €5 ($5.43) so don't hesitate to send me a private message if you're interested!

thank you for being here!

[neteyamyawne]

🪷 — After-chase

୭ ˚. Pairing : RDA!avatar!Jake x Avatar!fem!reader

୭ ˚. summary : after the Thanator chase, both of you needed a blow off and what's better than to experiment what your new bodies can do, in the middle of the forest?

୭ ˚. Warning : Blowjob, alien genitalia, cock sucking, taking turns, little edging, oral (M receiving)

୭ ˚. Note : @blue-slxt baby your post was just too tempting to leave it as it is, it's just a drabble but i might write more once I get my laptop.

The smell of damp soil filled your nose as your tongue swirled on the pretty pink tip of his cock leaking beads of bioluminescent precum on your tongue, the night was alive and being lost and away from the lab, it was the perfect chance to see what your avatar bodies can do…together.

He had himself propped up on one elbow, his t-shirt torn and ripped in places and so was yours after the Thanator chase, which was one of the reason for have enough adrenaline to even try this out, the forest alive and glowing in the dark night while his hand was tangled in your dark locks, eyes hooded, trousers down enough to get the job done, yours was already thrown somewhere in the heat of the moment, his lips parted and fangs on display, the perfect image of lust and desire.

your head bobbed up and down on his length, 12 inches down in your throat, your throat muscles tightening and gagging around him, but your haze filled mind took no notice to it, the sweet trickle of your saliva coating his cock and your chin in a perfect layer of sheen, eyes rolling back as a loud groan left his lips, his fangs making another appearance as he bites his lower lip, cock twitching in your mouth as you still continued to peak his orgasm, prolong it as long as you can, his grip tightening on your hair as he pushed your head down to take him deeper.

your groans of protest muffled by his twitching cock deep in your throat, your hands on his thighs, holding him for dear life "Fuck y/n- agh, you better swallow, you little slut" he said looking down at you in between his thighs, head still bobbing on his cock, his voice breathy, chest heaving, eyes half lidded, the never leaving smirk on his face widening at you gagging state, with a few more bobs of your head, up & down with the tip of your tongue now pressed on his slit, only the head of his cock in between your lips, a little pressure from your own fangs on his aroused flesh was inching him towards his abyss.

the lipgloss you previously applied was now mixed with his precum and your saliva, leaving his cock glistening wet, with a Heavy groan from him, he pushed your head down on him again, your muffled cries went unheard as he bucked his hips thrusting in a little as he shot the load down your throat, head thrown back, lips apart and panting heavily trying to catch his breath, his grip on your hair loosening as he slumped down on the forest floor, swallowing every single drop of his warm drizzle of cum, you sat up still on your knees, a trail of milky white line dripped down your chin mixing with the saliva already present, when he tugged on your hand, making you get on top of him before sliding down even more so he was directly facing your wet pussy, already dripping "my turn, sweetheart, now sit down babygirl…." He whispered against your wet lips with his tongue lolling out.

A/n : i couldn't help myself to wait till my laptop was here , i had to write that down, I'm feral for RDA Jake!

Yawne : @fanboyluvr, @callmeoncette, @lu-the-ghost-reader, @brisbriskett, @saltedcoffeescotch, @ducks118, @itscheybaby, @jackiehollanderr, @elriel-4-ever, @zoetrope1997, @yeosxxx, @persefolli, @im-in-a-pansexual-panik, @teyamsbitch, @elijangwifey, @erosthefae, @murderbirbdany, @thearabloak06, @killua2dot0, @ilovechickenwings, @kylobensgirl, @darling-imobsessed, @majathepapaya, @sweetirilly.

©Neteyamyawne2023 | All Rights Reserved. Do not repost on other platforms, copy, steal, or translate any of my works!

[stromuprisahat]

Second Army disorganization

Siege and Storm- Chapter 14

One of the most frustrating and famously nonsensical passages of Grisha trilogy, easily explained through doylist approach- the author's inability to write strategy or politics and demands of the genre, requiring a weak, unfit heroine to defeat immensely powerful opponent way out of her league:

Alina: Oh no, they dare to oppose me again! :(

Isn't that why would you want to establish a council in the first place? So you get constructive criticism and suggestions to do things better?!

My objections to the notion Alina came up with representation of Grisha can't be more obvious:

Army is a structured organization. There are ranks and councils by default. No amount of ignorant teens will persuade me calling it "Second" makes it otherwise.

Any big organization has a structure. Even if Second Army were only about education, there would be councils and posts on different levels. Hell, school system works that way.

Alina: I'm gonna have the useless ones represented, because we're not doing things like the Darkling, but that doesn't mean I'll respect them myself or abandon my prejudices. Fucking nerds. Weidos...

Another YA nonsense- you cannot put people into categories based on their physical predispositions, and expect the mental ones to fit accordingly. You can have a huge, muscled guy, skilled in delicate handiwork. You can have a tiny wisp of a girl beating the living shit out of you (popular trope by itself).

Now why should sensitivity to metals get you a spot in labs, if you're a strategic genius? Or incredibly skilled, witty rhetorician? Isn't it more likely you'd be required to complete basic training to stay healthy and prevent accidentally endangering others, while being assigned to whatever you're most useful at?

And what about those weak or less intelligent ones? Are they bringing coffee and arranging entertainment?!

It also fits this fan interpretation, that Materialki are often neuro-divegent, so they are tend to be kept away from battle for their own sake.

Alina wasn't involved in practical running of Second Army before. Just because she doesn't know about something, it's not a totally fresh idea.

I'd be afraid of a girl, who almost murdered a bunch of people for asking questions, too.

At this point, I'm gonna run with the idea that all the older Grisha are torn between face-palming and silently laughing their assess off (so Alina doesn't overhear and her clique doesn't resort to violence).

“But what do they do in there?” I asked, not entirely sure I wanted to hear the answer. “Only the Corporalki know. But there are rumors that they’ve been working with the Fabrikators on new … experiments.”

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 8

... and that says nothing about the field, or the little groups in noble houses. People tend to stick together with their own, when in strange enviroment. I'm sure such bonds dissolve immediately after their return "home".

I've also delved a little into the sitting order here.

A few lines earlier, Alina noted Materialki didn't show up to complain. Who is so horrified then?! Not them, for sure.

Ironically, this fits into Fabricator-brain theory linked above AND the most logical explanation- Materialki have basic self-defense training, but only those, who are able to, continue. Alina isn't particularly friendly with any of them, so how would she know no one had EVER bothered to teach them? Alright, there are none in her class, but as far as we know, it consists of a Squaller, an Inferni and a Heartrender. Not the most saying sample.

Having a third of all Grisha helpless doesn't fit into the picture of Aleksander's leadership:

“That’s what Botkin always says. ‘Not showy, just to make pain,’” I said, imitating the mercenary’s heavy accent. “Smart guy.” “The Darkling doesn’t think Grisha should rely on their powers for defense.”

Shadow and Bone- Chapter 17

You don't have to become another Bruce Lee, you only need a chance, when they drag you out of bed in the middle of the night.

What tradition?

This is rather well-written group of angry, disorganized people. It might start with a reasonable goal, but soon everyone talks about something else than others, and the message gets lost in the noise.

Tradition doesn't equal "the way things are done". Neither of them is the same as "the need for structure and people knowing their places". The third one is a legitimate concern, although one could argue it's exactly what Alina's attempting.

This whole scene very much reads like:

The author is desperate to prove the Heroine isn't quite useless- she has good ideas! Look! *whacks a hundreds of years old stategist and survivor par excellence with stupid stick*

[majesty-madness]

A Past Encounter - Bucky Barnes x reader (nsfw) Sneak Peak

Summary: Being in a relationship with Bucky, Y/N prided herself on knowing him quite well but when she’s accidentally teleported back to 1940, Y/N discovers that there is a whole other Bucky that she has yet to meet. The sweet flirt that had everything going for him before his unfortunate capture by HYDRA.

Tagged - @honeyrydernot @spn-obession @tinyminxie @fluffybunnyu @saintmagx @hopelessromantic423 @marygoddessofmischief @theeleggymeggy @lethallyprotected

Commissions are available so don't forget to check that out!

Series Masterlist

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Chapter 14 Preview

September 20, 1941.

Y/N could scarcely believe that two months had already passed since she first arrived. In all honesty, it felt so much longer given all that she’s had to adjust to including her new job as an assistant to that lovely old woman, Irene, who’d provided her with brand new clothes when they’d met back in June. 

Never in her life had she ever been an assistant to a seamstress, but it had been a surprisingly fun experience. And it was also thanks to Bucky, once again, that she was able to work now seeing as he had convinced Irene to hire her. Though that didn’t take too much effort, the older woman stated she’d be grateful for the extra pair of hands. 

Speaking of Bucky, there had been an incredibly thick tension growing between them ever since they danced together. 

There was already something going on between them but when Bucky had basically asked Y/N to stay with him, the signs were painfully obvious. 

Every morning, Y/N reminded herself of the sickly sweet lyrics that played as they held each other.

It’s love, this time it’s love

My foolish heart…

Foolish indeed and she knew it, more than anything.

She was torn in two, desperately yearning to reach out and touch him, hold him close as if he were her’s to hold, and at the same time, held back by the years of intimacy with the Bucky she knew from her own time. 

Was it wrong to want Bucky from a time way beyond the moment they’d met? Was it wrong to love the parts of him she never knew? Was it wrong to have the slightest desire to stay?

Y/N shook her head, Stop it!

This was a common occurrence by now, Y/N falling into deep thought while involved in another task at hand, and right now Steve was showing her how to draw. 

“Do you need help with this part, Y/N?” Steve asked, kindly, the hand housing a pencil stopping in mid stroke on the paper. 

She stuttered out a forced laugh, while shaking her head again. “No, no I’m fine, just got lost in thought. Please continue.”

Steve apprehensively nodded though proceeded explaining his sketching technique.

Bucky, sitting at the dinner table watched the pair carefully, the newspaper in his hands stuck on the same page for the last twenty five minutes as he too become lost in thought; a pretty little thought by the name of -

A loud ringing made the trio jump, heads snapping over to look in the direction of the telephone that sat next to the radio. 

“I got it.” Bucky said, already standing up from his chair and walking over to the phone. Without missing a beat, he picked it up and answered with a polite, “Hello?”

After a couple of seconds, Bucky grinned. “Hey, Ma, how are you and Rebecca doing?”

Y/N glanced up at the mention of the name; Rebecca, his sister.

________

a/n: If you've made it down here, then you read the preview so first off; thank you! And second, I need to deeply apologize to those of you who were waiting for this chapter. I know I said that it would be released the 29th and I truly had intended to post it then but as luck would have it, my mental health took a freaking swan dive off a cliff and I found myself struggling just to write this (I'm okay, I promise). My track record with posting on a consistent schedule has always been iffy, and every single time I make a simple goal of what to post and when, something comes along and completely clotheslines me. I'm trying to get better about that, and I've taken steps to reevaluate my goals, and to look into better ways to set a schedule I can stick to. So again, thank you for reading and I'm sorry for the delay. Wishing you a good day!

[thatscarletflycatcher]

Tumblr isn't letting me find again @fictionadventurer's and my own posts on epistolary novels, but I have been thinking about it again, because I fell down a Goodreads review rabbit hall and I have thoughts again.

So many people dislike the style, and honestly, I don't blame them, because it's so often done... not well. It is in some aspects, a deceptively easy one, and in others, deceptively hard. And because I'm trying to write a novel with this format myself, I have been thinking about what makes or breaks an epistolary novel.

I talked yesterday about TGLPPS, because it is an interesting case to analyze. I have thought many times about it, and cannot think of a single non-merely-aesthetic reason for it to be told in an epistolary style. A lot of it depends on -British- people who have survived some terrible war conditions willingly opening up to a stranger about their experiences, and that's made... even more difficult if the medium is letters? typically writers will appeal to tropes like making the reserved character drunk, or have them share an extreme experience in isolation with the stranger to create sudden intimacy. None of this is possible in writing; if anything, one is much more self-conscious about the things one writes than the things one says; verba volant, scripta manent.

It seems to me the story would have flowed much more naturally if Juliet had been stranded on Guernsey for some reason -like the first author herself!- suddenly Dawsey commenting that he got a book from her library makes so much more sense! Yes, certainly, if you met a stranger out there, and they introduce themselves and you realize you have a book that once belonged to them, you would tell them so! And it is in this way that the epistolary format does violence to a story that would otherwise sound much less contrived.

Another problem is the large cast of characters and multiple settings. For all I complain about Dracula, Stoker manages this pretty well (of course he has the model of The Woman in White, but TWiW has fewer povs), at least on the first half, because structurally the storylines of the characters are converging, and that does a lot to guide the reader in the understanding of the character's relationships. TGLPPS's relationship structure is more of a multidirectional flow chart, and that becomes confusing really fast.

Another novel I read reviews for recently is one set in WWI, composed of back and forth letters between two lovers torn apart by war, and one common complaint was... that the climactic scenes, the times they meet, etc all happen... off-camera. It is a fair complaint, but also one I cannot really blame the author for, because that's what usually happens with real life compilations of letters of that kind. Sure, usually the editor/compiler will fill in the blanks sometimes and add an epilogue of sorts explaining what happened afterwards, and that is possible if you are writing it fictionally too, but some may think it spoils the effect of immediacy and whatnot, which, fair too.

But it makes me think of how aware Jean Webster was of these difficulties, and how deftly she managed them in both Daddy Long-Legs and Dear Enemy. Both novels have aged badly in terms of content and message, but they are very interesting stylistically.

DLL is a bildungsroman with a dash of romance; through Judy's letters to daddy long-legs we can see how she grows as a person, gaining independence intellectually and economically, and as a writer, as her grammar and vocabulary change and grow. Between making Judy an orphan who hates the orphanage where she has lived her whole life, and one where she lived past the usual age of being thrown into the world, Webster does away with the need for letters between Judy and her friends and family: all her friends and family are her college roommates and her benefactor, who is the person she writes to. The benefactor scheme also makes it so that she doesn't have to write dll's replies, which in turns makes it much more natural and acceptable for the reader when Judy writes him the ending's love letter describing the feelings and impressions of their finally meeting in person and in truth; Judy has become a writer, and she is so used to write to him as another person all the time, that it just makes sense for her to write to him one more letter at the point where her benefactor and her lover become one and the same person. She has written a novel where the core is the correspondence between lovers AND managed to include as well all the moments of their meetings that we would otherwise miss.

Dear Enemy is a similar, but longer and more ambitious story. Instead of one relationship-connection (Judy and Daddy's), we have Sallie as a nod of connections: she's Judy's friend, Jarvis' "employee", the boss of several characters, has a tense colleague-boss relationship with the visiting doctor, a boyfriend of sorts in Washington, and a family we have met before. It is, in that way, a similar setup to TGLPPS: a urban girl of means becomes a fish out of water in a different setting till she ends up assimilating to it, and settling definitely through marriage. But Webster does a few things differently to make it click.

For starters, it is clear to her that this is the story of Sallie's maturation -I have sometimes talked of Dear Enemy as a novel where a Mary Crawford-like character undergoes a transformation arc. The happenings and stories she meets and tells Judy about along the way serve this arc, besides standing on their own as case studies to illustrate the problems, ideology and solutions proposed to the secondary themes of the story (education and social reform). I feel like TGLPPS is much more interested in Guernsey's survival through the war, in which case Juliet's story is already a frame, which, again, makes the epistolary format cumbersome rather than complementary.

Dear Enemy adds more correspondents, but it is very austere/economical with them, and narrows the letters we see to only those Sallie sends. YMMV regarding if it was too much cutting or not, but the undeniable effect is structural soundness; you are never confused by what is happening or who is writing to whom. We can guess the Honorable Cyrus Wykoff probably wrote some indignant letters to Jervis, and those would be funny to read, but... would they be worth the break in the flow of the narrative? I don't think so. To this effect, just having Sallie write a line to the effect of "I expect at this point you have at hand an irate letter from the Hon. Cyrus" is enough to paint a picture for the reader. Perhaps a letter or two from Dr. MacRae would have helped develop his character more -definitely a first read of the story obscures how much misdirection there is in Sallie's narration to Judy, which in turns tends to create an impression of suddenness to the closing letter that doesn't come across well to the reader.

The choice of Sallie mainly writing to Judy is, IMO, a really good one too. It not only establishes a connection with DLL, but it also allows for the intimacy that makes disclosure believable (something TGLPPS struggles with, as I mentioned above). When you add a few letters to the doctor and Gordon and Jervis, you also get a better perspective of Sallie's personality, how she deals not only with a friend, but with acquaintances, romantic partners and coworkers.

From all this it is pretty evident that for Webster the main function of epistolarity as format is aiding in showing psychological and moral development. But that's not the only thing the format can be really good for: perspective is another, and Austen uses it to great effect in both Lady Susan and Lesley Castle.

Both stories deal with mainly static characters, but who have very strong perspectives of the same situation, and it is this singularity of setting and story that anchors the narrative to avoid confusion, while the variety of perspective brings interest. In Lady Susan, we are dealing mainly with the marrying off of Frederica and seduction of Mrs. Vernon's brother, Reginald. There where Lady Susan paints Frederica as an undisciplined, irrational and ungrateful daughter, her sister in law, Mrs. Vernon, paints her as a sweet girl and a victim of her mother's ruthlessness and lack of love. Both agree that Reginald is being seduced, but, of course, with opposite goals: Lady Susan wants him to succumb, Mrs. Vernon, to escape, and this is a delicious struggle for the reader to follow!*

Lesley Castle being an earlier effort, and unfinished, does show some of the defects I have mentioned before (mainly, the relative confusion of having several correspondents in separate storylines), but illustrates well this same perspective effect: Margaret writes to Charlotte about the new Lady Lesley, and the new Lady Lesley writes to Charlotte about about Margaret and her sister... and in these contrasts lies the main interest of the narrative.

Some conclusions to these musings, then:

Not every story is suited to the epistolary format.

The epistolary format seems to work the best when it is used for either A) showcase psychological and moral development B) to play with perspective on people and/or events.

One of the main difficulties of the format is finding a narrative element to anchor and structure the letters around.

It must have a core couple of correspondents, or at most, two. More than that will make it confusing (unless, perhaps, the story is very short and about a single event or two).

A delicate balance must be found so that the secondary correspondence doesn't cut the flow of the main one, and if possible it must feed into it.

*It is interesting how Love and Friendship, being such a delightful -and I sustain one of the best ever- Austen adaptation, is by force of the perspective switch towards a more impersonal third person, more about a love story between Frederica and Reginald than a struggle between Lady Susan and Mrs. Vernon. Which isn't dissimilar to how adaptations of DLL end up being more about the romance between the leads than Judy's coming of age in college; tropes aside, I feel like if the epistolary format is well embedded in the story, it's going to be nearly impossible to reproduce the effect in adaptation.

[majorpepperidge]

So I'm going anon for this because I do not know if my thoughts will get me crucified by Pen fans, so this is me being safe.

For starters, I wanna state, when I got my physical copy of Sandrock, I already knew what I was going into when it came to Pen (and in turn, Matilda, Yan, and Miguel). I already knew they were the big bads thanks spoilers I saw, but even then, I could probably see them as bad guys a mile away (Yan is a sleazy scam artist, Matilda oozes passive aggressive southern bitch, and I say that as a southern myself. And Miguel oozes snob, and while not a villainous trait, is mainly associated with villains). So, even before knowing Pen was a villain, he already gave me major Gaston vibes so I was already kind of sus of him.

It made me very wary and kind of squint at him, but even then I was curious about his character. This man comes off as very showboaty, there had to be more. Cue me seeing his romance stuff and going "Okay so he is like a massive dork! You know, that kind of makes sense, big and tough, comes off as an ass, actually is a dork. That's a neat-" //cue the Knives Out update (i think it was that update), Pen being revealed as a bad guy and his romance dialogue mentioning he had OTHER LOVERS AND THE PLAYER WAS JUST ANOTHER NOTCH IN HIS BELT

"Nevermind you are dead to me you son of a bitch"

And while I say that, I am still curious on Pen's character, but more so in the terms of I want to punch this man as well. Something about that line has always rubbed me the wrong way. Since it feels like Pen doesn't actually care about the player. Which makes it worse since his final quest before being shipped off to prison, his last letter to the player if romance just NAILS it in the coffin but his PLATONIC LETTER MAKES PEN COME OFF AS MORE GEUINE.

Pen's romance letter comes off as just...gross and manipulative. Saying he forgives you for literally doing the right thing and not standing back and letting him destroy Sandrock. While in his platonic letter, Pen seems to see the player as his equal, mentioning how he wishes the player picked up his space punch, but was still confident in the player.

Which leads me to this, yes it took awhile to get to this: I seriously feel like, canon Pen, should have STAYED a platonic option for players. Him as a romantic partner character for players just...dose not end well, nor settle right in my stomach, especially since when you look at his lovey dovey stuff and then how he is at the end of the game, it feels Pen is luring the player, placing the rose-tinted glasses on and capturing them in his clutches. I am probably SERIOUSLY looking to much into it, and it could be just Pathea sucking at writing, which you know, I can see that, even Portia had questionable writing at times.

Now that all said, I do propose a way to make Pen's romance more interesting and less very tittering on the edge of a horrid toxic relationship (maybe). And that answer is simple: BREAK PEN'S FUCKING FAKE ASS JOCK PERSONA. It's clear from what I can tell in game, and in his end game letter, Pen can be genuine. Sure in his own assholeish way sometimes, but Pen can be a genuine person. The problem comes in the fact, from what I can tell at least, Pathea never really gives him the chance to let that shine. It would be fun to see Pen actively struggle with his duties with Duvos and the player, maybe becoming torn between Sandrock or his own nation. Or hell, have scenes where the player catches Pen overhear people talking about the horrors Duvos causes and more, and Pen seemingly so out of characterly TIRED. The man knows his nation is fucked, he knows it is a horrid broken mess that is hellbent of destroying everyone in the search of what they want, but he knows he also can't stop it. Maybe because he has had first hand experience in seeing what they could do or more. Has this become a giant rewrite idea, yeah it had but I feel like I should add it here near the end since while I want to strangle the asshat Pen is like an interesting character still that got done dirty story wise.

OKAY RAMBLING OVER, I AM SO SORRY FOR THE WORD WALL? Uh feel free to like delete this or what, idk, I just had to get my thoughts out and you seem to be the only active Pen fan I could find who I think has proposed decent rewrites or talked about how Pen is written not great sometimes? So yeah, again sorry for the word wall and uh bye

-Writing Anon

Hey, these are good thoughts anon! And I agree! Pen's writing is all over the place and I'm sure some of that can be attributed to weird localization differences/choices alongside the general clunky ending to his story. His characterization can sometimes make it hard to tell when he's lying and when he's not.

Some more time showing the depths of his character, while still keeping his dorkiness (which i believe is genuine, fight me pathea, alongside him loving the Builder and the 'multiple lovers' line was just meant to get under their skin so it'd be easier for them to hate him), and showing that maybe he DID have some internal crisis abt his bond with the Builder, romantic or plantonic, and his loyalty to Duvos. It would've been SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING to have someone like him be more of an unwilling villain. I know for my Exile AU stuff he's not as posturing/boisterous because he's not having to act anymore(and keep a lower profile to keep Duvos from sniffing him and Ray out), but it's still THERE because it's still part of him. I want to keep him being a larger-than-life cocky dork while not ignoring the sins he committed as a Knight and how he's struggling to move past it (and feel like he's worth Ray's love and loyalty despite all he did to her and Sandrock itself)

[dank-memer-to-the-extreme-r]

A Warning About Lucid Dreaming

Now, this isn't to scare you off lucid dreaming. Not at all, it can be a source of extraordinary creativity, ideas, and joy.

But you should know what you're getting into. Of course, this is just my personal experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. But still.

I learned to lucid dream as a teenager. At least, I learned how to make myself do it on purpose. I can't remember my first lucid dream.

I've done all sorts of wonderful things with lucid dreaming - I've overcome my fear of heights with flying (because of flying in dreams I wasn't afraid at all when I went for a helicopter ride, or when I pressed my body against the glass of one of the highest skyscrapers in Sydney), I've transformed into animals, I've talked to my subconscious, I've change my body to look ideal, used healing orbs that made me feel physically wonderful and healed when I woke up, I've changed my gender, I've set things on fire, frozen things, and moved objects with my mind, I've eaten foods that have tasted like a vague version of real life foods, I've teleported into other lands, even cartoon worlds, and more.

But the downside is, because of lucid dreaming I am now afraid to sleep. I became exhausted from the hyper realistic dreams that felt like reality every night, and tried to dream normally. Now quite often I get horrific nightmares where I'm lucid and I'm stuck in this alternate reality that feels as real as our own, yet I'm aware that I'm dreaming. And that's not all - I can feel pain. It's to a lesser degree than in real life, of course, but still, it hurts. I've gotten stabbed, shot, and fallen into a very deep void all while lucid dreaming. With the void, I could feel that uncomfortable wobbly feeling in my stomach as I fell. I've been transported to hell with no immediate way out. I've tried closing my eyes in these dreams as well as screaming and trying to feel my IRL body, and nothing wakes me up.

My lucid dreams have grown twisted and exhausting. The less bad ones that still really drain me are like video game boss fights, the other ones are straight up horror. I've had one where I was under a house and completely aware while having to crawl through millions of spiders crawling all over me while they bit me, only to have to face someone who tried to kill me in real life. I've had gory injuries, my foot falling apart, gotten into a bus crash and watched people die while I was physically torn to shreds, and had massive wounds on my arms with nurses refusing to help. I've watched animals I love die right in front of me in the worst ways possible. And be aware, if you kill someone in your realistic lucid dreams, the guilt may just haunt you forever.

Another thing I've seen is the horrific creatures of the ocean. Yes I could breathe underwater, but for the love of god, if you've seen those deep sea ocean videos do NOT go into the ocean in your lucid dreams.

I now hate sleeping, I often delay sleeping so much I go to sleep at between 5 am - 8 am in the morning. I also often stay up all night, just to avoid these hyper-realistic nightmares.

A good thing about it is that when I do have these horrific dreams I can use them for creative things like art and perhaps in the future, game development/game writing.

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm dreaming or in a really realistic lucid dream (though this may be psychiatric issues).

But really, is it worth literally losing sleep over it? I'm not so sure. If you're going to lucid dream, please know that you're not just committing to it for a little while. If you properly learn how to do it, you'll be tethered to it for a lifetime.

Please don't be scared, though. I don't intend to scare you. I just want to make sure you're absolutely sure about what you're doing. If you want to learn despite knowing this, go right ahead. I'm not going to tell you not to. Some of the most healing experiences I've had have come out of lucid dreams. I just don't want people like me getting too deep into something then that thing twisting into something that torments them because they didn't understand the consequences of their actions.

[hedgionary]

So I had one person tell me to write it, even for my own enjoyment. Why not write it here? I took a dive into the Narnia hole, all while being unable to leave the hole known as Fullmetal Alchemist. My head decided to combine them creating an AU. Instead of in WW1 Germany, Edward and Hohenheim end up in pre-WW2 London. Lots happens, Ed ends up getting sent to the house of one professor Diggory Kirke, someone who'd previously talked to Hohenheim about the theories of parallel universes. Not two months go by, Diggory sits Edward down and tells him there's going to be a bunch of children living with them. Edward is Not Happy, but what can he do? He's now tasked with Making Friends and Being Nice. Apparently, Kirke doesn't realise how much of a difference the four years between Edward and Peter make, let alone the seven between Ed and Lucy. All of this not taking into account how Ed was shaped by his experiences.

Still, he can't help but find Lucy's story of the wardrobe endearing after she returns the first time. A bit sad, but adorable. When there was a storm one evening, he sat down with her and told her a story from his home. Susan rolled her eyes in the other bed, but to Lucy, the story of alchemists who could make thinsg seemingly out of nothing, spark flames and so much more! He didn't mention the darker side of alchemy. He was a telling a bedtime story, not discussing possibilities with proffessor Kirke. It was still raining the next morning, and Edward got roped into playing with the Pevensies. He's with them when they land in Narnia, yet he can't believe it. He's torn between the "Not again" energy and the "what if i'm somehow closer to home" energy.

People thinking Edward is a star, or at least the son of one, due to him not being referred to as a Son of Adam or even Daughter of Eve. He's the blood of Adam, but not his son. Edward rediscovering his alchemy after he is attacked by wolves and instinctively claps his hands.

He gets a dwarven equivalent of automail. The job was already halfway done, but the dwarves excell at working thier forge nonetheless.

Edward never returning to England with the Pevensies, not ageing, receding into legend and then resurfacing during the events of Prince Caspian. Same age as when the siblings first saw him. Just more… Tired. He just wants to talk to Aslan.

And talk he deos. What he hears does not, however, help him, for he learns that even through the Country of Aslan he will not go home. (There's no Gate through Aslan's land to Amestris)

(That's the part I feel like burning myself at stake for, because why shouldn't God be able to do something, catholic guilt am i right?)

Aslan tells Edward to live on. To find peace and a home in Narnia. Edward cannot. He has tried. He misses his family too much, Narnia is too similar yet too different from Amestris. It hurts even more than England did, somehow.

He receeds quietly to the court of King Caspian. When the young king decides to go searching for the barons aboard the Dwan Treader, Edward fights tooth and nail against coming along. But his knowledge on all things Narnian (and not only) proves too be too valuable.

One day, he finds his way home. Rumours circulate that he truly was a Star, or at least close enough for Ramandu to be able to help him home in a way known only to the Stars. Others say he found peace on one of the islands they passed. Yet others say he died. Only a select few know the truth, and those are the ones who promised Edward they wouldn't tell.

Edward is home. But to everyone else, he's a different person. For everyone else, it's been four years. For Edward? A thousand. And Edward has learned so much.

He's got Mustang's Edmund's cold calculations in politics, handling anything in a delicate, yet clear manner. He does not lie. He's as straightforward as he ever was, but he's able to dress it in pretty words now. He's got more of an edge to him.

He's learnt authority from Peter. He's dangerous when he has a sword, no longer relying only on a knife, a polearm or transmuted arm. His movements are clear, elegant even. Not brash and jagged like the Fullmetal Alchemist's had always been. Fullmetal used his weapons as weapons - brutal, yet effective. Edward has a captivating elegance to his movements, leading a spar like a dance.

He's learnt to use a bow of all things. His automail is unlike anything anyone had ever seen. Edward knows it's Dwarven work and wears it proudly. He even uses his charm sometimes, but he's not a fan of it. Susuan insisted he learn though, and who was he to disobey a High Queen? Yes, it's still the Fullmetal Alchemist. But it's not the one the people of Amestris know anymore. He does not tell them any of the tales of Cair Paravel, or the diplomatic diplomatic journeys to Calormen that later come in handy when they talk to the people of Xing. (He's also fairly proficient with the weapons of the country. And doesn't that raise a few eyebrows?) Even Lucy's kindness rubbed off on him. He treats everyone he meets as a person who deserves kindness until blatantly proven otherwise. The fact Dante was gone when he retuned helped.

The first time someone calls him a dwarf, he smiles as if that were a compliment. He does not look for fights, but that does not mean he won't finish them. That temper of his never quite left. When he finally sees Al again, he's struck by the age difference. But then he smiles and takes his brother as he is. It is, after all, not the first time he's ever encountered someone he knew for years returned to a younger age. This does not mean it's not hard for him; it's just a little easier than it would've been otherwise. He knows neither of them are going to leave now, they've got each other's backs forever. He grows barely a centimetre and is ecstatic. This means he's truly home, ageing alongside his friends again. He wants to see the ocean, to show Al the ocean. This bewilders everyone, because he'd never cared for it. He's taken to drawing (he'd had no artistic skills before). For a while, he's convinced the world is flat like a table.

[woodpengu]

Hustling to Nowhere

Hustle culture has ruined me...

My time is not my own. My value is not my own. My desire is not my own. What is mine is borrowed. Inspired. Pushed, pulled, drawn, rendered, judged, obliterated, reformatted, commissioned, traumatized, stigmatized.

Traumatized and Stigmatized. Never enough. Always too much. Might as well give up.

Hustle culture seeped into the cracks between interests, projects, and habits. Filling "plot holes". Wrapping themselves bit by little bit around my hobbies and connecting them far too strongly to the wrong side of my 'individual need to survive'[TM]. Because I'm not a being in this reality. Not an entity. Not an individual.

I'm a collection of convenient information aiding an algorithmic search for potential consumption. I'm a number in a line, on a card, in a system, queued up for the "NEXT" thing, and the next and the next, next "NEXT PLEASE".

Hustle and bustle bent everyone backwards into an ouroboros eatery, and I couldn't keep up. I heckin tried (moron that I was) until I stopped laughing, stopped singing, stopped dancing to my own beat. Thought I was free... but nope, it still eats me. I'm still caught in this loop and screeching to break free. All for money. Always for money. Gotta breathe, eat, sleep, repeat, am I right?

What was my point again? Ah yes... anywhoodles. Waxing poetic is a dangerous city of tangents to traverse, and I'm in a mood. So, why bring this up at all?

Because I see the patterns in myself. As I sit here, weaving literal threads in a beautiful pattern suited just for me, my mind wends. Follows the folds. Saunters the winding garden it created and cultivated... and feels torn. Torn between "Do this from joy" and "Make something of this". ie... between 'do what you love' and 'do what I tell you'.

Hustling through created more expectations at my own expense when already the world I grew up in demanded too much of me and was never satisfied. Do we magnify this sensation, this experience, or do we breathe and let be? Blast the cost of living and simply... LIVE?

[personal writing collection: If Only #29; 'Hustling to Nowhere' Aug '24]

[the-new-hip-priest]

A long post wherein I recount my experience at a Limp Bizkit show and get increasingly emotional about the power of live shows and their resulting memories as a coping mechanism for deep depression.

Wednesday night was honestly the most fun I've had in several years. It was full of childlike glee and giddiness and excitement. And sweat. Lots of sweat. I knew that I'd have a blast, having already seen them back in 2012, but this time Limp Bizkit put on one of the best, engaging live shows I've ever seen. It was a big, bouncing nu-metal party and the atmosphere was electric. Everyone in attendance was there to have a good time. No fighting, no dickheads, no munted macho bullshit, just roughly 1000 people ready to party like it's still 1999.

The opening act was HANABIE., an all-female Japanese "metalcore" band, but calling them metalcore feels reductive because they incorporate so many different elements into their sound (electronica/hip-hop/punk/nu-metal as well as Harajuku culture). I really want to gush about them but I'd just end up regurgitating the entire wikipedia article. Their energy was so contagious and the crowd was equally keen and receptive. There was even a circle pit during We Love Sweets which I couldn't help but join. I got a gentle accidental elbow in the face, and slipped on some empty drink cans but got picked up immediately. In a matter of thirty minutes I was already drenched and forming my first bruises.

As for Limp Bizkit, I've been writing and deleting and re-writing and re-deleting this paragraph since Thursday morning. I can't find the words. From a distance, watching myself get all emotional about this band in particular is actually hilarious. My thoughts are so muddled but I've realised that I've been so touched by this concert because they made me feel like a kid again. I've been lucky enough to see some of my other all-time favourite bands live - highly regarded and renowned performers, but I wasn't listening to Nine Inch Nails or The Fall or Radiohead when I was eight years old, so they can't evoke the same emotions.

I fangirled and flapped when Wes came on stage and as soon as they opened with My Generation, I was overcome with such a powerful, innocent euphoria that kept me jumping and screaming all night long. I'm struggling to describe it because I didn't think I was capable of feeling that sort of natural high ever again - I thought I had destroyed my capacity for pure pleasure through drug use in my 20s. Yet here I was, utterly jubilant and energetic, one row back from the barrier directly in front of possibly my favourite guitarist of all time. Fred chatted a lot with the crowd (I uncharacteristically gushed and giggled like a school girl when he was talking to us down the front), and a surprising amount of mens underwear got thrown on stage. They did a fun transition from Rollin' into Raw Hide, covered Killing In The Name, did a big sing-along of Careless Whisper, and even played Re-Arranged which was a nice surprise. I would have loved for them to play Out Of Style, but I understand people want to hear the old stuff. The atmosphere was non-stop fun from the opening note until the end of Don't You Forget About Me which they play as they leave the stage.

I had been hoping to have some sort of acknowledgement or interaction with Wes, like catching one of the roses that he throws into the audience. Given that I was at the front, I took a shot during a quiet moment between songs and yelled out "Hey Wes, wish Alie [his fiancee] a late happy birthday from me!" and he walked straight over to me and threw me his pick! Achievement unlocked! I reacted like a QTE and almost burst into tears when I realised I caught it. Almost. I didn't want to fuck up my fancy makeup and contact lenses. As my partner pointed out, most of the roses had been torn to shreds by the end of the show, but I got a personalised treasure to hold on to. I've kept it close to me ever since (and played my own guitars with it, naturally). It's like he gave me a little talisman of hope and happiness and I really need something like that right now. December is always a hard time of year for me. On top of that, I've been feeling so incredibly bleak about the future and sometimes find myself making certain plans in the back of my mind. But this silly little bit of plastic with a picture of Lisa Vanderpump with a beer bong labelled Borland/Wes' Baphomet logo on it makes me feel like I can keep going. Like I want to keep going in spite of my fear and my pain. I almost feel a tongue-in-cheek sense of resentment, like, "how dare one of my favourite musicians inspire some sense of hope in me during such a tough time?"

Someone filmed the entire show and I am eternally grateful to them. I can giggle at my own distinctive cheering early in the set. I can watch Fred's playful shenanigans with the front row. I can see my interaction with Wes. I can remember. There are times when it feels like the last ounce of hope has left your body, and it causes you to forget. You no longer feel capable of caring, so you simply forget how much you love music and comedy and every other little thing that makes life worth living. That's why I have a big folder sleeve filled with physical memories that I can turn to, full of ticket stubs and entry wristbands and the like so I have something tangible to tie back to my experiences. I've got some drumsticks and a NIN setlist as well. Having the means of reliving those moments is an invaluable tool when fighting major depressive episodes. I will sit there and carefully examine each piece and something will stir inside of me. It could be the faintest echo of a feeling, but it will come, and it will remind me that life is worth fighting for.

[sorcerous-caress]

I just wanna thank you so much for your completely earned deconstruction of the writer/reader relationship. I have 2 separate writing blogs, and one, my main in fact, I've all but completely given up on until I want to write again. The other is being transferred to be my new main, and I'm not sure if I'll take requests. I've been debating just taking commissions that I'm comfortable with, and posting my own writing when the mood strikes. You've really made me think, and I appreciate that so much! ❤️

I'm not sure if you've had a similar experience, but basically one of my works exploded somewhat and another did to a lesser extent. I was working on other things and all anyone cared about was those two fics.

When I tell you I pored hours upon hours into this super high fantasy rewrite crossover of my favorite game with the same characters, I mean it. My first chapter was over 8k and I made sure I did a bunch of research to nail both the combat, and dialouge.

I posted it, initially meant to be posted between that and one of the fics- only for it to be ignored and instead all I got was update asks. No-one cared when it was right in my rules that it gave me anxiety and made me not want to write.

It got so bad, I literally dropped the blog. I haven't updated my most popular work since 2019 and I've only the past 6 months got inspired for the secondary popular fic. I got so in my head- desperate to do what my readers wanted and not upset anyone. To this day the next chapter sits half written, with me still torn to rewrite it entirely, or just finish it the way I want to and go from there. Yet it's so soured for me. I still love my concept. I still kind of want to repurpose it and flesh it out but I just get such a bitter taste in my mouth and I freeze and get anxiety even now when I re-read it.

Ironically the lack of reception to my passion project was my wake up call. I was genuinely devastated. I had one thankfully amazing commenter(of course on Archive of Our Own), who didn't know my niche little fantasy video game save its very opening hours(It's Final Fantasy 4, in case you're curious), but clicked anyway and gushed about my execution. A whole 4-5 paragraphs. I cried when I read it, beaming ear to ear grin.

If it wasn't for her? I very well may have quit posting my writing altogether and you know what? I still post that fic. Slowly, granted. My 2nd chapter was 9k+ and the 3rd is looking to be over 10k and has taken over 2 years thanks to a lot going on. She posted again on that 2nd chapter though! And I go back and read it when I need inspiration. I'm basically solely posting it for her.

Just...thanks. For sharing how you feel on this. I've always really struggled with feeling selfish, or like I have no right to ask for a comment. I still can put myself down and feel incredibly guilty, especially about that constantly asked about fic. Feel like I should take the likes and update asks with a smile because "that means they like it, obviously, they're asking for more, right?" I don't think people not actively creating and posting get it, and you truly put it into words in a way I've struggled with for years.

I'm new here, and still playing through the game and all, but please know at least I see you. I appreciate all the hard work you do and put in. You don't owe any of anything, and I'm so grateful for anything you choose to share with us. I think a lot of people underestimate how intimate sharing our writing is.

Also appreciate you mentioning the difference in respect between fanartists and fanwriters. SO many people think "Anyone can write." and we get belittled so much faster for offering commissions too. It takes just as much skill, whether people believe that or not.

Just...thanks. For real. You've given me a lot to consider as I work on transferring my new blog over and I appreciate it more than you know. ❤️ -S

That genuinely means a lot, it's an honour to have even meant something to anyone at all.

Especially someone struggling with the same thing I am. Thank you for taking the time to write and tell me this, i never thought anyone would bother to read my rant or take it seriously.

I relate to a lot of the things you've just described, it's really horrible how the world can twist something we love and are passionate for into something that hurts us instead. I'm never forgiving anyone who made me feel anxious about writing a story I was excited about or for posting something knowing instead of feedback I'd be met with asks about updating the more popular story.

And I'm happy to hear that you take commissions, just to make it clear I'm totally against the whole "mixing money with art makes it lose meaning" fiasco. I think it's stupid and people who claim that they don't understand that you can never put art in a box or steal its meaning away, that artists are people who need to eat and pay their bills too.

Your writing more than deserves money, it's something intimate that we pour our heart into, that we take parts of our life experience and memories and put it in the story to give it its own life.

Fuck anyone who thinks writing is below art, just because it's written words. They never consider the planning, creativity, writing style and experience, the research, plot and energy it takes.

If anything at least you can draw and paint while listening to music or watching youtube, you can let your hand go on autopilot every now and then. With writing it's one of those jobs you can't distract your mind from, you have to be present and you have to focus on every word and line, consider every dialogue option and every descriptive word, it's draining mentally and takes so much focus.

Both art and writing are important, all artists deserve respect and compensation for their work. People are getting too comfortable demanding work that takes literal hours from your life for free or a low price, a work they'll consume so quickly and never give a second thought to.

I hope things get better for both you and me, I hope we find readers who appreciate us for who we are, who actually respect and value our work instead of consuming it mindlessly, who understand what it takes to create and the amount of time we're giving out for free.

Who realise that taking 10 or 5 minutes to write a comment under a fic and phrase it politely isn't that hard, how it's literally all we ask for because it means the world to see someone appreciate our effort.

Good luck on your new blog <3 Close the requests whenever you want and open them whenever you want. Write how you want to, and please don't let anyone steal the joy of writing away from you.

[bardofavon]

This is longer than I thought it would be...

Hi, you don't know me, because it's been my life's purpose to have no online presence, apparently. But I just read your latest chapter instead of writing an essay and, since I can't be anon in ao3 I'll annoy you here. So, EXCUSE ME??? you can't just drop a masterpiece and walk away casually. This is now one of my favorite chapters, because it’s such a scary thing to read for how “bland” the actual situation is. Like, talking with your partner before bed? Sure, that’s normal. Unless, you know, you’re Kaz and your partner happens to be the Darkling. Sometimes, this read like “old married couple” and other times, I’m flipping a coin to see if they’ll just murder each other right there.

“The Darkling really is pathetically lonely.” (Coming from the man who literally no longer has friends. But, I like that, even though the Darkling is trying his very best to wear the pants in this relationship, and both of them know that, Kaz still thinks of him as pathetic. Maybe Kaz is lying to himself, to make the Darkling less scary, maybe that’s how he really thinks. But nothing will ever be funnier to me than having some ungodly, horrifying weapon of a man being called “cute” or “pathetic” by his partner. Or, in this case, by his slightly less ungodly weapon of a man.)

“’If I said that seeing you on your knees begging for me is all that it would take for me to give you every part of me, would you do it?’ The world's most dangerous thought experiment, proposed while he unbuttons his kefta." (I SCREECHED)

(Also, love that Kaz reads a book an war, of all the books, and is like ‘eh, that seems interesting to read.’)

“It’s not a request. It’s a command, and Kaz obeys.” (I think I felt that one to the core. But, I really like how you’ve written the thought processes and character development in this story. Like, he’s not the same Kaz as before, because Ch. 1 Kaz wouldn’t like the Darkling order him around like that, Kaz would stab him with his own knife. But he’s always kind of slipping into the part that the Darkling wants him to play— even though he’s trying to justify it as “well I’ll just stab you later.” Kaz kinda dug himself into a hole, that he’s both happy with and absolutely miserable in, and that is so exactly accurate that it hurts.)

“The pillow stays between them, the Darkling still following the rules they’d set on the ship.” (At least there’s some respect. It’s interesting, though, that, for as much as the Darkling wants to own and control and endlessly love Kaz, he still gives him this small piece of control over the rules. It’s kind of sweet, but it also reminds me of those fancy extendable leashes that you put on your dog, that lets gets longer and longer the farther away the dog is, so it’s technically more free, but he’s still on a leash, and there’s still a limit to how far he can go.)

“Kaz should have died on that barge.” (Inej makes Kaz want to live, and the Darkling makes him want to die. The chapter where Kaz has that dream about kissing her, and he’s like “ok, yeah, I’ll fix myself and become a better man just for you” makes this scene with Aleksander look that much darker (pun intended I think?). With Inej, Kaz is scraping himself together into something worth give her, and with the Darkling, he’s being torn apart into something he has to be. I want these two to kiss to badly, but I also hope they never speak to each other again.

(Also, I’m sitting here happily anticipating the return of Baghra, I’ve love their dynamic ever since Kaz hit her with his cane.)

Okokok, that’s all I have to say— Just wanted to give you some feedback, because authoring is hard sometimes. Sorry if it’s too much feedback. This was an amazing read, I can’t wait for the next chapter!! I’ll disappear back into the abyss now.

first of all you NEVER EVER EVER have to apologizing for giving me “too much” feedback there is truly no such thing. i am sitting here with an open mouth devouring every word you say. it's good fucking good. there is no better feeling than being understood in the precise way you hope to be. the way you picked up everything I was laying down in the exact manner I meant for it to be picked up in has me kicking my feet and twirling my hair at my desk at work. (also we are polar opposites! you are destined to have no internet presence and I am destined to Demand To Be Known and my heart is SO full that my demand to be known outweighed your wish to be unknown in this moment in time– there is no higher compliment! no greater praise!)

I'M SO GLAD YOU THINK THIS IS A MASTERPIECE!!!!!!!! writing chapters where nothing happens and everything happens is something that can be so personal lol. it's one of MY favorite chapters which feels terrible to say because it's just 2,000 words of mind games and emotional abuse but i just think it goes hard as hell. this is part of what i meant when i said i was entering into my psychological horror error. it's cute! it's a bickering married couple! it's domestic! it's pillow talk! it's someone controlling every thing you do and every word you say with a gun to your head that they want you to pretend isn't there.

kaz IS both afraid of the darkling and thinks him pathetic at the same time. he built up his name to be this big thing, but really the darkling is terrifying and aleksander is just a dude. he's just a dude. the darkling is pathetically lonely (and this is the second time kaz has called him that, pour one out for the darkling) in a way that even kaz hasn't reached despite literally being alone. because kaz loves and is loved, and the darkling is not. and yes!!!! yes!!! as much as the darkling is trying, at the very end of the day Kaz will only ever see his ‘love’ for him as pathetic. the darkling is pushing every button kaz has here and a few buttons kaz didn't even know that he had, but he's also revealing just a bit too much of himself.

he says he wants kaz to call him by his real name when they're alone, which reveals to kaz just how much the darkling does want to be loved and understood for who he really is. this is something that the darkling can't take for himself. he can force kaz to pretend, but he can't force kaz to actually see, understand, or love him. he says he won't take advantage of kaz's promise to give him everything by demanding physical intimacy, but really what that's revealing to kaz is how much the darkling needs to feel wanted. he needs it to be a choice and not something he takes or it won't mean anything. he needs to be desired by this person he believes he loves. and kaz will never, ever give him that. he’s forcing kaz into this charade as punishment but it's mostly revealing to kaz all of these weird domestic wants of the darkling that he can exploit. he's slipping up and forgetting to fight, but the darkling is so determined to hear what he wants to hear from kaz that he's not hearing what kaz is actually saying. this is dangerous to the darkling as well.

GLAD YOU SCREECHED AT THAT PART BECAUSE I SCREECHED WRITING IT i put my head down on my desk and just left it there for a second before continuing with that whole scene. that wasn’t even there in draft 1 i slipped it in later.

i feel like 99% of the books in the darkling's personal bedroom library are war books. i feel like he would use that as light bedtime reading. and honestly??? kaz would too. this is why they would be perfect together if they had met in another time and another place where circumstances were different and also maybe they were both different as people. so i guess they aren't perfect together :/ but they are! you understand my pain.

YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT HIS DEVELOPMENT! you're right about everything actually, you are the most correct person to have ever lived. i hope you can bear that burden with pride. but yeah, if this chapter were in the first five chapters of the story everyone reading it would have a “he would not fucking say that” moment with like…the whole thing…but I think we got here very naturally. chapter 78 imo showcased a lot of his more positive character development in terms of his relationships with his crows, ability to be vulnerable, willingness to do the right thing at personal cost to himself, etc. and this chapter shows another aspect of his development in a completely different way. i think out of context he might appear to some people to be weaker than he was in the beginning when actually within the full context of the story i would say he's very strong here, and stronger than he was at the start in fact. his ability to so fully and completely swallow his pride and slip into this role so long-term shows a lot about what he's willing to do to protect the things he cares about. he's going to win even if he has to lose to do it. but also, yeah, at the same time this is a hole he dug himself (with lots of help!)

your metaphor about the leash is also perfect. that's the perfect way to put it because that's exactly what's happening here. i wouldn't go so far as to say it's love bombing but he is trying hard to make sure kaz still feels safe despite feeling like he's in danger. he wants to give kaz this illusion of control. he knows where kaz's lines are and he’s doing a masterful job of stepping over them in all of the right places to cause as much personal misery and discomfort without crossing a line he can't come back from or making it so that kaz can't/won't come around. he wants to build this life where kaz is punished for wrongdoing but rewarded for following instructions, and sometimes that means giving him an extendable leash so he can wander around a bit and feel less smothered. but he's still leashed at the end of the day. (one thing that darkling is not examining, though, is that kaz is not in fact a small domesticated house dog but a wolf. and a wolf can't be so easily leashed and domesticated).

and YES about the darkling making him want to live and inej making him want to die, something else that makes me go crazy considering the darkling represents his immortality and inej represents the fleeting nature of existence. humanity vs inhumanity. inej is “i can fix him” (but actually ‘i can make him want to fix himself’) and the darkling is “i can make him worse” and they're both working overtime. “i want these two to kiss so badly, but i also hope they never speak to each other again” is the perfect kazling mood. the perfect way to see them.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED FOR BAGHRA!!!!!!! when i tell you every scene between them is so easy to write but so hard to write at the same time. they have so many things to say to each other but none of those things get them anywhere. conversations that go no where. kaz hates the darkling AND the crazy witch who raised her. and baghra…………..has opinions about kaz too, that's for sure. they both need to start whacking each other again honestly.

Anyway, Farewell!!!! Thank you so much again, it truly means a lot. I hope you have fun going back into the abyss. I hope it's warm down there. I hope they treat you well down there in the abyss. I hope they sing to you and tuck you into bed down there in the abyss.

[dracowars]

a little update

hi! uhm.. i don't even know how or where to start this after basically just disappearing without a word so i'll just start with: hey, i'm still here! i didn't want to leave, it just happened..

so much was and still is going in my life that i just didn't have the time to be active on here. unfortunately, that hasn't really changed and i feel incredibly sorry about that. this blog was my safe space for a long time, but life just got too overwhelming at some point and i couldn't enjoy anything anymore. either way, i couldn't be more grateful for everyone who is still reading my fics on a daily basis and leaving all the love on my blog in general - i love you all 🫶🏻

this post is supposed to update you on what will happen with this blog in the future and what has been going on in my life. the latter will be at the end so i don't force you to read it!

most importantly: this blog is very dear to my heart and i want to start writing again soon. i really missed the daily routine of writing a few words and i want to get back into it but i genuinely can't promise anything. there are still a few requests in my inbox but i don't even know if these people still want me to write their requests since it's been ages and they probably don't even remember. i don't really know what to do about that :( i also have a lot of unfinished drafts with my own ideas and it just got really overwhelming ngl

another reason i didn't enjoy writing as much anymore is also the liking/reblogging/commenting system of tumblr. as a writer, it simply sucks to 'only' get likes when we all know that reblogs are what pushes fics. as a reader, i usually don't reblog every single thing i read either or i just forget so i'm torn between those two sides and genuinely don't know what to do. i don't write and have never written to get the most likes/reblogs, i write because i want people to feel safe, to escape reality for at least a few minutes and because i enjoy it. but in the end, appreciation for what i write is also important in some way..

either way, i'll try to figure this out soonish and hopefully post a new fic in the foreseeable future 🥺 i missed it so so much

so, what has been going on in my life since i stopped writing? well, i'm almost done with my studies (which is fun but also scary) and i literally have only been breathing and living for university. it was a lot. it still is a lot to be honest but at least i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! yayy

when i did have time to myself and allowed myself a break, i grabbed a book or watched a movie/show. i finally got to read some of the books i wanted to read for ages (a court of thorns and roses, king of scars, etc) and i reached my goal of reading 50 books last year and currently i'm at 18 books for 2024!

i also watched a few new shows and movies like dune 2, damsel, challengers or the hunger games and the one piece and atla live action, derry girls, and - what probably took in my whole life at this point - house of the dragon and game of thrones!!! i can't believe i finally watched game of thrones after all these years, it still feels surreal. and listen, i'm OBSESSED. i watched it with my best friend who has seen it 10+ times and we started with house of the dragon (can't wait for season two!!!) and then went on with game of thrones and OH MY GOD. it's just so so good, i love it so much and can't believe i missed out on it for all these years. i know it's unbelievable but i went into it with basically 0 knowledge and only minor spoilers i have seen over the years so the impact was incredible. the whole experience was absolutely amazing and i will definitely rewatch it! my favourite characters are jon (what a surprise), sansa and tyrion <3 oh, and i love alicent and criston in hotd, i'm 100% team green~ who would have thought that now i of course want to write something for jon snow and maybe even some other characters from got/hotd, we'll see!

also, i can't believe the european championship is starting on friday and what do you mean it's happening in my country??? i'm so excited, can't wait to watch all the matches!!

i think this is enough for the little update. i genuinely hope that i will be able to write & post something soon and that i can finally turn this blog into my safe space again 🫶🏻 ily

[lilys42]

Bandmates (Josh Dun)- Chapter Four

I wake up late into the morning, unsure of whether or not I had dreamed the whole experience last night. I open my phone and go through my contacts, and sure enough, Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are listed. I immediately think about their offer to tour with them, and a mixture of excitement and anxiety churns in my stomach. I’m torn between staying in the small town band life I’m used to and traveling around the world with a well-established and famous band. I would no longer be practicing in basements and playing in old bars, half the patrons paying attention and the other half lost in their own conversations. I wouldn’t be making sandwiches with the expired ends of a loaf of bread because I didn’t get enough tips at my last gig to afford more, wouldn’t be making my own band merchandise and drawing my own logo. But wasn’t that the life I’d always wanted?

Ever since I graduated high school and flunked out of college my first year, I knew I wanted to be a musician. Rarely do bands make it to the status of the lucky few like Twenty One Pilots, but I didn’t care that I only had the smallest possibility of making it. I’d work part time jobs to make just enough money to get by as long as I could play music. I spent all my time during the day working so that Lukas, Flynn, and I could have late nights brainstorming new song ideas. We spent a lot of time practicing drunk, which never yielded good songs, but we didn’t have a care in the world.

I pull myself from my thoughts about the past and walk to the kitchen to get some coffee and breakfast. Rhea perks up from her spot on the couch when I appear.

“Morning. Did you get some good beauty sleep?” She asks with a glint in her eye.

“Yeah, I was exhausted when we got back. How about you?”

“Have any dreams about Ohio boys?” She completely ignores my question, obviously wanting to immediately grill me about Twenty One Pilots.

“Not that I remember. But I have been thinking about their offer.” I sit down next to her with my bowl of cereal and coffee.

“Oh? Do tell.” Rhea rests her hand on her chin and smiles at me in anticipation.

“My first instinct is to say yes. Even after mulling it over, I can’t ignore how incredible of an opportunity it is.” I begin.

“But..?”

“But it does make me a little scared. A lot scared, actually. I’d have to leave the only life I’ve ever known, and I’m so used to being a starved musician that barely makes enough money to survive that jumping to a band that makes millions would be a shock. And honestly, I’m most scared of losing my creativity. Everything about the tour is already planned out: the setlist, the stage design, the venues, the dates, even the songs themselves. Maybe they already have the harmonies worked out for me to sing, and who knows if I’d get to play my bass. I’m terrified that I’d miss the freedom of starting from scratch, you know? I don’t get to write lyrics and a melody, then get my bandmates to write the drums and guitar and finish off with a bass line that brings it all together. Isn’t that the beauty of being in a band? The chance to figure it all out together and have that unmatched feeling of finally pulling a song together?” When I finish and look over at Rhea, she’s looking at me with her mouth wide open.

“Damn, and here I was thinking it’d be a simple answer. I never considered…all of that. I completely understand where you’re coming from, but wouldn’t it be fantastic to get yourself recognized? You’ll have people lined up wanting to be in a band with you after they see you’ve worked with Twenty One Pilots. You’ll get your name on the map, and it won’t be so hard to start over with new bandmates. Plus, you pretty much have the guarantee of financial security. The pros outweigh the cons, do they not?” I think for a moment, but I still can’t come to a clear decision.

“I just don’t know.” She smirks at me knowingly, and I can easily guess what she’s about to say before the words come out of her mouth.

“Do I even need to mention how you’d get plenty of unsupervised time with that hunk of a drummer?” I can’t help it, my cheeks blush. We would be spending time together on a cramped tour bus, then hotel rooms, and backstage. And when Tyler goes to spend time with his wife, and we’re left alone…

“Look, why don’t you communicate with them about this? Maybe the decision will be a little easier if you tell them what you’re feeling. They might be able to ease some of those concerns.” Rhea suggests. And it’s a great idea. I finish my breakfast and text Tyler, asking if the three of us can meet up somewhere and talk about their offer. A few minutes later, I receive a message in response: Absolutely. Do you want to come to my house? Jenna and I are out getting coffee right now, but I can get Josh to come let you in and hang until we get back. I reply to his message, saying sounds good. He sends me his address, and when I look up from my phone again, Rhea is looking at me with her eyebrows raised.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re grinning like an idiot. Come on, give it up.” I hand her my phone, and she starts to smile too once she reads through the messages.

“Alone in a house with your drummer. You’ll have to take advantage of that opportunity.” She smirks knowingly.

“Oh, stop it. Will you drive me there?”

Twenty minutes later, Rhea pulls up in front of Tyler’s house. There’s a car in the driveway that I assume to be Josh’s, and my nerves light on fire all of a sudden.

“Deep breaths, Dani. They’re people.” Rhea reassures me, easily reading my thoughts as always.

“I know. I’m just still not used to this. What if I make it awkward?” I say.

“You won’t. I know you won’t. Once you get used to being around them, the conversation will flow easily. Now go on, it’s starting to feel like I’m dropping you off for your first day at kindergarten.” I chuckle, then force myself to open the door and walk up to the house.

“Text me if you need anything. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Rhea drives off, and I knock on the door. The muffled sound of barking and paws scurrying across the floor comes from behind it, then footsteps. I take another deep breath, then Josh is standing in front of me. I take him in: brown hair tousled and un-styled, black t-shirt and gym shorts, and a pair of scuffed white Nikes. He gives me a wide smile, then his golden retriever, Jim, shoves his head between Josh’s leg and the doorframe to greet me.

“Hey Dani! It’s good to see you again.” He says brightly.

“It’s good to see you too. And to finally meet Jim.” Josh opens the door for me to come in, and I immediately lean down to pet the dog. His tail swishes back and forth excitedly.

“How are you doing? I know last night was…a lot.” Josh asks.

“A lot better. It really helped having you and Tyler there when I was freaking out. I will admit it was a bit embarrassing to have a panic attack in front of people. That’s why I usually hole myself off from everyone.” I explain, opening up a lot more than I initially thought I would. I’m not the type to show my true feelings around anyone when I first meet them. Maybe it’s because I’m a fan of Twenty One Pilots, so I feel like I already know them, but it’s more the way Josh looks at me. He gazes at me with his brown eyes so full of concern and interest, and I can’t help but to spew every thought I’ve ever had. He looks at me like he cares.

“There’s no need to be embarrassed. At all. Ty and I both know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed like that, so we want to help. But I understand the urge to run and hide. Did you want to talk about the tour, or would you rather wait until Tyler gets here?” I smile at how much he’s making sure I’m comfortable, and I tell him we can go ahead and discuss what I’ve been thinking. We sit on the couch side by side, maybe a little closer than necessary, and Jim hops up next to Josh, affectionately laying his head on his lap. Josh strokes his fur absentmindedly, and I can’t help but watch the prominent veins in his hand as it moves. When I look back up to meet his gaze, he’s looking at me with a slight smirk on his face, like he knows exactly what I’m thinking. I ignore the heat creeping up my neck and say,

“I’ve kind of been spiraling, to be honest. Going on tour with you guys seems like a no-brainer, but it’s a really big deal, and I’ve never performed on a scale like that before.” The moment I start talking, I can’t stop. I didn’t expect to be trauma dumping to him, given that I’ve known him for less than twenty-four hours, but here I am anyways. I relay everything I said to Rhea, all my deepest darkest fears about the slim chance of being successful in music. He listens patiently, and when I’m done, tears are trailing down my face.

“God, I’m sorry.” I wipe my face and look away from him, my cheeks flushing from embarrassment this time. Josh brushes my arm lightly, and I turn to face him again. He’s looking at me with furrowed brows and a slight frown on his face. Not out of pity, but pure understanding and concern.

“Can I give you a hug?” He says quietly.

“I’d like that.” I expect him to stand up, but he pulls me to him on the couch instead, wrapping his arms around me, holding me sure and steady. My body immediately relaxes, and I press my face against his shoulder. Then he does something I really didn’t expect: he rests his chin on the top of my head. It’s such a simple gesture, but it’s so intimate. Maybe Rhea was right. Maybe he is into me. Or maybe I’m delusional and he’s just being nice.

“Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it wasn’t easy. If it helps you decide, Tyler and I talked about giving you a lot of creative freedom. This would be a collaboration more than us telling you what to do onstage. Sure, it’s a job, but we want you to have fun, first and foremost. Plus, I saw your energy when you were singing. You were genuine. You felt the music deep in your soul. That’s definitely the kind of person I want to hang out with for months on end.” Josh says honestly. I can hear a smile in his words as he talks. We let go of each other, and I suggest,

“Why don’t we all play a song together? That way we can get a feel for each other musically and if this would really work.” Josh suddenly grins from ear to ear.

“So, you’re considering saying yes?”

“I guess I am.” I laugh as he jumps up from his seat on the couch, Jim getting up with him and mirroring his energy. He grabs the dog’s front paws and lifts him up onto his hind legs, dancing with him and looking like a complete fool. I laugh harder, and all traces of panic or sadness leave me.

Suddenly, the front door swings open; Tyler and Jenna take in the very odd scene before them, and Tyler says,

“Am I interrupting something?”

“As a matter of fact, you did. Jim and I were having a moment.” Josh replies in a sassy tone. The golden retriever wrangles free from his grasp and goes to greet the couple.

“Well anyways, hi Dani! This is my wife Jenna.”

“Nice to meet you. Glad you kept this one in check and didn’t let him destroy the house while we were gone.” She says, pointing to Josh. I giggle at the fact that they keep talking about him like he’s their teenager.

“It’s nice to meet you too. Your house is beautiful.”

“Well thank you. I’ll leave you three alone to work on your music.” She smiles, kisses her husband, and heads upstairs. Tyler watches after her with an expression of pure love and adoration.

“So, how’s it going?” Tyler looks mainly to me when he asks this question, presumably checking in on my anxiety level exactly like Josh did.

“Better. Josh and I talked everything through a bit before you got here.” I explain everything that I told Josh and Rhea, and Tyler listens intently. Once I’m finished, Josh brings up his proposal to play a bit together so I can make a definite decision.

“Sounds like a great idea! And Dani, your fears and anxieties are completely valid. I mean, if you’d taken me out of my parents’ basement when I was first learning to write songs to perform in front of hundreds of thousands of people, I’d freak out too. This is a big step, so let’s work through it together. Come on, let’s go downstairs.” Tyler says. I want to tear up at how good they’re being to me, but I fight back my breakdown this time. Josh scans my face and gives me a slight smile, like he can read the emotions just by looking in my eyes. He puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder as we go down to the soundproof basement. I miss every point of contact once he takes his hand away.

I feel a wave of calm wash over me as soon as I enter the room. There are a couple bass guitars lined up along the far wall, along with an electric guitar and a couple amps. Tyler has hung his ukuleles up on the wall, on full display. I recognize the instruments he plays onstage immediately, and they’re noticeably more worn down than the others, the wood and frets worn down from years of hands moving across the neck. Then, there’s Josh’s drum set. It’s a basic kit that doesn’t have all the bells and whistles like his stage drums do. They’re plain white, and he has a couple backup drums, cymbals, and piles of drumsticks tucked away in a corner. Theres also a couch across the room and a mini fridge, which I imagine is full of Red Bull, Tyler’s drink of choice.

“So, do you play any instruments?” Tyler asks as he picks up a white electric bass and plugs it into an amp.

“I play bass, actually. I tried to learn drums, but I guess I don’t have the coordination. As soon as I touched the kit, it’s like I forgot any sense of rhythm.” Both the boys laugh softly, and Josh says,

“I could teach you sometime. If you want.” His hands are stuffed in his pockets, and he looks nervous. I can’t tell if it’s because he’s about to play his music with a new person, or if he was anxious to offer drumming lessons to me. Maybe a little bit of both.

“I’d like that.” I respond, and he lets a breath out. Tyler looks between us with his eyebrows slightly furrowed, then smirks.

“What songs of ours do you know on bass?” He breaks the weird trance between Josh and I, and I falter. It’s like every time I look at him, I forget how to be a person. I forget how to breathe, how to speak. The only thing on my mind is him, and the only thing I can focus on is trying to impress him, trying to make him like me. I can hear Rhea’s voice in my mind: just be yourself. He’s a person, just talk to him. I bring myself back to the present moment, and both Tyler and Josh are looking at me expectantly.

“Quite a few. My favorite to play is Jumpsuit. I’m working on a couple from Scaled and Icy, but since the album just came out and the tab isn’t available online, I’ve had trouble picking out the bass line.” I explain.

“Jumpsuit is a fun one. I can also look at some Scaled and Icy songs too with you. I could always give you the tab for it, and you can practice it on your own. Feel free to grab a bass and mess around.” Tyler points to the instruments, and I pick up a black one. I plug it into an amp, turn it on, and mess with the settings a bit until it sounds how I want it. I feel eyes on me, but when I look over to Tyler, he’s fiddling with the knobs on his own bass. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Josh hovering near me, watching my hands as I pluck a few strings on the bass. Just like I was watching him earlier.

“Alright Dun, get situated.” Tyler says. He reluctantly turns from me and heads over to his kit, his best friend nudging him with his elbow playfully before he sits down. As soon as he’s in the stool and there’s drum sticks in his hands, he visibly relaxes.

 I take a deep breath, listen to Tyler counting down, then begin the song’s low opening bass notes. He watches me for a moment, and once Josh comes in on the drums, he starts improvising some backup notes. Tyler sings the first verse, and then nods to me once the second verse comes around. I sing quietly and unconfidently at first, and Tyler walks a few steps closer so he can hear me better. I look over at Josh, and he gives me an encouraging smile. Tyler starts to sing with me again, and the three of us find a comfortable rhythm that makes me let go of my lingering nerves. I start to move around just as I would onstage, close my eyes, and feel the music. Once I’m confident enough to sing at a normal volume, albeit slightly louder so I can hear myself over the drums, I realize Tyler and I sound good together. Really good. Our voices compliment each other: mine light and airy, his more raw with emotion and feeling.

Once the final notes of the song ring out, Josh and Tyler look at each other in wonder. “You know,” I say, “I think this just might work."

[declanlikesmusic]

Today's Listens: Episode 005

August 10th, 2023

So I'm writing this one the morning after and that makes it seem like I didn't have time to write because I was busy that day, but the truth was, I was on a day off and I wanted to marinate on my thoughts before putting pen to paper before, oops, my mood soured at the end of the night. Hopefully I'll get back on track in the coming days, or else I might end up having to skip days for this. Yay.

Just a content warning. At least one of the album covers here has depicted nudity, with a particular instance needing to be censored. I'm using a censored cover art sourced from Spotify, yet I don't even know if that's gonna be enough for this to fly under Tumblr's radar. Let's hope.

Infinity Frequencies – Between two worlds (2018)

I started yesterday off with an Infinity Frequencies album. This artist may very well be argued as being one of, if not the greatest broken transmission producer working today, but I was hesitant to go back to this one in particular. Namely because, on previous listens, the record felt a little too ambient and sparse to really captivate me. Luckily, since my last checking-out of this album, there was this phenomenon I call the Pad Chenningtonification (patent-pending) where a popular YouTuber shouts out a record that is not the artist's best work and it becomes commonly seen as their best work. Yay. Luckily I was fresh off of finding out that their 2015 album Into the light was way better than I initially thought it was, so I got to this one with an open mind and was treated to an experience that was only just barely consistently great. This is still not their best album in my view, but I'm glad that I can at least say I pretty much loved my experience here. Check this out, but also check out Computer Death and Into the light and I guarentee, you will find yourself a fan of InFreq at the end of the day.

7.5 / 10

Highlights: Under the city, Replica encounter, Between two worlds, Synthetic remains, Obsolete request, The time that remains Unraveling

Xepter Rose – Selenitic Landscapes (2014)

This one's a little random, but if you know death's dynamic shroud in any capacity, you'll be surprised to find that one of the members James Webster has made some ambient music on the side! Just as the trio were taking off, he made a pretty decent progressive electronic experience. I'm a little biased because I really loved his Virtual Utopia Experience visual thing, but two of the best tracks here show up on that movie as well and of course, they're great here. Aside from those two and Clock Tower Ruin, I cannot say that I am fully enamoured with this one. It's often sprawling and sparse in a way that doesn't flatter it all too much for me. That said, if you like modern synth ambient music, I'd give this one a shot. I already like it, but you might love it more than I do.

7.0 / 10

Highlights: Meteor Storm, Perpetual Twilight, Pottery & Stairs, Clock Tower Ruin

Magdalena Bay – mini mix vol. 3 (2023)

I wanted to cover more music from the current year, so I rolled upon this tiny mixtape from the rising pop duo Magdalena Bay. I wasn't expecting too much out of this one, just a one-off of decent tracks, but I found myself really in love with this one! It comes off as a mini mix, duh, of new material and they're all blended together very seamlessly while still coming across as their own songs! From the underrated intro to the simultaneously catchy and almost ascendent run of cuts by the end, they've knocked this one out of the park! It's not much (again, mini) but if you need a pop palette cleanser for just a quarter of an hour, this will undeniably satiate that for you!

8.2 / 10

Highlights: Slug Song, Top Dog, Tonguetwister

Torn Hawk – Through Force of Will (2014)

This one comes from an artist that always allured me from the mysterious realms of hypnagogic pop and specifically this tape and its glitchy cover art ripping an iconic still from a movie, I can't tell which. We have elements all over this record that primarily pull from outsider house and some of the tracks here are honestly great. They don't seem that captivating at first, but as they draw on, they start to become hypnotic. I really dug this one. I don't think every track works for me, this one again straddled the line between like and love for me, especially with the ambient cuts, but if you're already a fan of hypnagogic pop and want to dive in further, I'd totally suggest this one!

7.5 / 10

Highlights:

HELLCOM – ACID MP3s (2016)

Here's where things start to turn sour for me. I adore HELLCOM, I really do. His two concept albums under this alias, spanning mere months between eachother, are among the most creative, captivating and awe-inspiring vaporwave albums in the Business Casual catalogue! I'd recommend them to anybody, even non-fans of the genre who've already dipped their toes in. However, as a big fan of the format of DJ mixes, rating the two that he's put out before moving on to HDMIRROR are difficult. Timestamping this one specifically was particularly hellish; there are tracks listed that I'm convinced don't show up here, so that made rating this nearly impossible. I pushed through it though, but not without a little bit of a headache. His plunderphonic electropop and EDM sensibilities shine through here, but in the most surreal, glitch-centric ways possible that I struggle to fully recommend unless you huge fans of those sounds. Try it at your own risk; I liked it, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it just made for me.

7.2 / 10

Highlights: She Doesn't Mind, Hunter / N-Trance Forever, TIll I Come (Remix), Everytime

Xiu Xiu – A Promise (2003)

I've always been torn on Xiu Xiu. They have albums that I fully love and I'll get to those when I do, but the reason why I haven't covered them yet was because I was very hesitant to find the right time and mood for their sophomore effort that I remembered really liking but also not knowing why. I bit the bullet and just decided to finally go for this and I really don't think this was ever meant for me. I think I was lying to myself then. Don't get it twisted, it's obviously good, but it is surreal and incredibly depressive. It's often sparse in ways that, again, don't work for me, but it can also be very noisy in ways that just don't capture me. The whole thing is completely unhinged and that's no thanks to the themes of suicide throughout that just really disconnect me from the experience. I at least appreciated the Fast Car cover and how the record was trying to start out, but as it went on, I almost stopped respecting it entirely. This is purely for fans of experimental and post-industrial music that enjoy records that are this sad and intense to listen to.

6.4 / 10

Highlights: Sad Pony Guerrilla Girl, 20,000 Deaths for Eidelyn Gonzales, 20,000 Deaths for Jamie Peterson, Fast Car

Deftones – Around the Fur (1997)

By this point, I felt like I was ready for pretty much anything after that, so I thought: fuck it, why not tackle some metal? Nu metal specifically. We have Deftones' sophomore album here, I've already enjoyed other work of theirs, especially Ohms, so what could go wrong here? Well, it definitely sounds good. The recording quality is about as good as what you'd expect from any popular subgenre of modern metal. The performances are tight as well, they honestly put a lot of thought into the energy of the record. So what gives, how come I don't love it? Well, you see, they have to be songs. This is why metal struggles a lot for me, it hardly finds any hooks or riffs that function as hooks or riffs. One of the only moments that were at all memorable to me was the first ten seconds of it and I only know it because I know it was used as a sample; I don't love this riff! The only other thing I remember was the closing track and it's pretty cool use of back-and-forth backing vocals. I found that to be cool! Otherwise, this just functioned as a metal album to me and I can sadly say not much more. If you like metal, go for it, but that's not for me.

6.4 / 10

Highlights: My Own Summer (Shove It), Mascara, Around the Fur, MX

3RA1N1AC – H1551NG PRI95 1N 5TAT1C COUTUR3 (1996)

So, how could my evening get any worse? Well, you see, I was approaching my 1,337th rating at this time, my leet rating as I was anticipating. I was given Hissing Prigs in Static Couture by a few friends and it looked like a perfect match for it! However, I am, as the doctors would say, an R slur and briefly missed that milestone when I heard Around the Fur. I didn't want to let that slide, so I cheated by swapping these two albums' placements, but I'm still gonna talk about this after Around the Fur because this was just not a good end to my night. I expected a pretty loud, semi-raucous, energetic and wild listen of a rock & punk and I'm glad to say that I've got it! But in a way that was not very good to me. At first, I thought this record was gonna be okay; not for me, but an enjoyable & worthwhile listen nonetheless, but um. It didn't even last long as that for me either. This listening experience was constantly diminishing returns and I'm too tired even now to fully express why, other than the noises, the instruments, the melodies and especially the vocals got more and more grating with each and every track. I thought by the start, I was merely losing interest and getting tired, but at a certain point, this album just lost it. By the end, this came off as completely obnoxious and irritably annoying. I know I disappointed my friends with that, but that's just how it felt to me. I'm sorry, but the way this closed my night was a complete letdown and while you're likely to enjoy it more than I do, I'd personally steer clear of it unless it interests you.

4.1 / 10

Highlights: 1ND1AN POK3R (PART 3), PU55YFOOT1N'

So yeah, I'm sorry to rant, but that sucked. I couldn't muster up writing any of that until the following morning because I was just having a hard time comprehending how sour I felt by the end of this. I want to make it clear, this is not to the fault of any of the musicians and it's definitely not the fault of the people that recommended them either. This was all just me and not having good ears. Overtime, I've started to realise that my wishlist was looking less and less appealing as I've knocked more ratings out. I don't think I'm gonna purge it, but I might just try to clean it up at some point and realise where I've gotta draw the line for some of these artists, because over 750 of them unfathomable at this point. I'll see ya next time.