#took me forever to finish these since work is being a bitch but it was worth the patience

[tired-old-men]

Iris: Guys~ You really din't have to do that... But I appreciate the enthusiasm and support regardless~ 💖

⋆. *. ⋆❥ 🏳️‍🌈Happy Pride Everyone!🏳️‍⚧️ Can't celebrate the season without a good meme and honestly the gay meth meme just radiates Chikki energy so I just had to. Also the biggest shout out to @julie-su's gay cake Spectre, this image lives rent free in my head I freaking love this piece so much. Originally I was just going to draw my own version of Spectre being a supportive grampa but somehow it ended up being a part two of a meme comic and Iris and Thundy got involved, but I love it waayyy too much!

Wishing you all a good pride, express yourself, love yourself because you are valid and loved, don't let anyone tell you otherwise💖

* ˚.⋆✦Kenny ✦ *. ⋆

[writingoddess1125]

Just a Peak- 👀

Crack-Head Headcanon

You accidently see the guys naked

Spicy Themes 🔥 including oral 18+

Buggy, Mihawk, Crocodile, Shanks,

Support me on Ko-Fi! I'm very poor and this is my job for now

Also a quick side note for everyone, This took forever since I had to do actual math! I looked at ALL of these damn characters and their height then based off of Odas fucking drawings figure out how their anatomy would lay in how he drew pants. Was it excessive- Absolutely 💯 was it worth it IDK

Buggy

• You all had been drinking on the ship, it was a fun party in all honesty. Buggy of course wanting to be flashing and show off how fun he was. Buggy who was fairly well drunk stumbled out for some reason you didnt hear-

• You stumbled out to potentially puke over the rails, However when you did you saw your Captian standing there clearly having finished relieving himself and now simply too drunk to put himself away as he stared out over the open ocean.

• You now knew why Buggy was so damn confident all the time...

• Thicccc, easy 8 inches flaccid and fit so well in his gloved hands it damn near looked picturesque.

• Have you ever seen a pretty cock!? When are cock pretty!? It's literally a perfect shape and color, with nicely trimmed ocean blue curls at the base.

Mihawk

• "AHH!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" Buggy screamed as he caught you staring- His face as red as his nose as he quickly tried to tuck himself away with sloppy hands.

• You quickly doing a U-Turn back into the hull of the ship- Face as red as a cherry and the image now seared into your brain.

Crocodile

• Being acquainted with Mihawk definitely had its benefits, in case really good drinks and the Bartender giving you free drinks cause they were hitting on The famous pirate!

• Mihawk had disapeared around 4 drinks ago, so you walled out of the bar to see if you could spot him. Turning the corner you spot him, but he definitely wasn't alone.

• There he was with thay flirty Bartender, her on her knees sucking him off. He looked mildly bored as well as he glanced down at her- However you couldn't help but stare when you saw her pull back for air.

• Long a solid 9+ inches , A bit thin for what you expected but clearly he made up for it in length. Pale, Slender, curved ever so slightly and thick hair at the base.

• You now understood the wide walk-

• Seeing the young female Bartender taking him fully into her mouth once mkre with a deep blush. Her nose pressed against the thick layer of black hair at the base- You see his eyes go up from the Bartender right to you

• His eyes met yours and he smirked- Like he was amused you had caught him this way, or that he was turned on by this possibly.

• Your face burned as he stared such strong eye contact with you. Quickly you snapped from your thoughts and hurried back into the bar. Finishing your drink quietly as the memory played in your mind.

• When Mihawk returned he sat next to you, not saying a work but you felt his eyes following you.

• Being a secretary was hard- being one for a famed dangerous pirate was harder- and then there was Crocodile

• He was a very picky and meticulous man that you knew better then to displease. So you had gotten his clothes from the cleaner (sands a bitch to wash out) and was dropping them off at his current residence. You had a key anyway so you walked right in, not expecting him there anyway.

• You were dead wrong however- Walking in it seemed Crocodile had just left the shower and didn't bother with a towel either. Stepping out steaming and having water running down his form.

• He was a big man (8ft3in -253 cm) you knew that... however you never connected it how that would translate in terms of.. his other anatomy however this just didn't seem fair!

Shanks

• It was easy 11 inches, the size of some people's forearm! Paired with it being very girthy it looked more like a weapon then an organ

• Paired with the lazy mess of wavy black curls at the base he clearly didn't bother taming.

• His eyes locking on your shocked face and how red you looked. A noise similar to that of a chuckle leaving him as he didn't even bother closing his robe.

• "Come here-" He said, taking a drag from his cigar and waving you to come back in... it seemed you would have a much closer look now-

• It had been a eventful day- A successful treasure hunt were the whole crew had pulled in a few billion berries for their own pocket. So you had all celebrated, Getting far too drunk in a short amount of time- Paired with delicious food.

• You still feeling buzzed you decided to drift off to get some rest before you got totally shitfaced

• Walking into one of the near by rooms to get some rest, the alcohol still making you fuzzy you realized far too late you'd stepped into the Captian's Quarters- and Far far too late into noticing their was your Captian half undressed clearly about to retire himself.

• A lovely white and pink member laying at a easy 8 in flacid and a forest of untamable red curls are the base of his cock that just lead your eyes there and only to there.

• He blinked at you surprised before cracking one of his signature smiles-

• "You okay Darling?" He said with a laugh, seeing your face so red and shocked.

• A twinkle in his eyes as he gestured for you to come fully inside.

• "Seems something has caught your eye, why don't we close up that door and talk about it?~" He said with a smirk. You nodding and closing the door behind you with a shy smile.

• Now how could you refuse that?

[experimentfae]

I just thought this would be funny or something, but could you do Carmilla Carmine x Female!Reader who just happens to be Velvette’s mom??

Basically she’s a more kinder and sweeter version of Velvette, but she’s also the kind of woman you don’t want to get on her bad side. She also happens to be a somewhat powerful overlord as well.

Also imagine this scene but with Carmilla and Velvette.

That’s hilarious I have to write this

Carmilla Carmine x Velvette’s mom! Reader

Oneshot / fluff /suggestive(lime?)

As you gazed upon the V tower you felt excited to see your daughter it’s been a while. Since you got to have mom and daughter hangout you opened the door and went to velvettes side of the tower.

You watched as two moth looking women opened the door for you “thank you.” You continued into the door seeing your daughter design her latest creation “oh vel your mother is here. You announced with a pose “mom!” She jumped into your arms “it’s been forever, what brings you here?” “Can’t a mother bring her daughter her favorite meal.” You raised up the rubber wrap you were carrying to her. She happily took It “thanks mom but im very busy with business, not to sound like a bitch but, I need you to leave.” She states whip putting the food beside her work.

Though a little disappointed you wouldn’t be spending time with her but you knew her career was extremely important to Velvette “of course Vel I understand, you better visit me I’m your mother after all.” You spoke back while heading out “I will mom, I promise.”

Now here you where back outside walking on the street heading to your next destination a weapon shop. A woman must be prepared at all times something you have learned during your stay down in hell and your time in the living world.

You have heard an overlord named Carmilla owning a weapon shop made with angelic weapons, so you had to go see it for yourself.

Thankfully you found the place and walked through the door, peering and admiring weapons, shield and even guns on the wall and ones on display. As you gazed upon the weapons hoping at least one caught your eye you heard a voice behind you “do you need any help Ms?” You turned to see what you believed to be Carmilla carmine herself.

You blushed, you couldn’t deny you found her attractive and you noticed that she did as well so you knew she felt the same. “I think I found something else I like more.” You watched as her face became pink making your smirk widen.

“Well with such alluring costumer such as yourself, I’m willing to give a discount, and maybe a date if that’s pleases you?” She asked with a smile and you smiled return “I would love that.” The you heard a voice interrupt “mom I’m just gonna be in the back.” You looked to see a blond girl in a scientist like fit gazing in carmines direction.

“Oh um of course dear.” Carmine seemed flustered to be caught by her daughter, when the girl left you turn your direction back to carmine “your mother as well?” “Yes, mother of two girls in fact, you?” “Mother of one, my girl was a handful alone back in the day.” this makes her chuckle. “So about that date what time?” You took out your phone and looked through your schedule “Friday at night works for me, is that ok?” She smiled “that’s works great.

You left the shop with a new weapon and a phone number. You guys went on many dates, of course your daughter doesn’t know who but you did tell carmine that Velvette was your daughter, because of the relationship officially being serious and now being girlfriends. you watched as she made a shocked face then it immediately turn to a smirk. Carmilla did the same saying that her daughters names are Clara and Odette, you then decided to introduce her to your daughter for dinner and carmine will bring hers as well for them to get to know you and Velvette.

“So mom who is this girlfriend of yours coming? and I need to know her so I can check her background make sure she’s not anything fishy.” You sat beside her as you just finished placing the food and plates down “no worry, my girlfriend is great I just know it, and besides she wants to introduce herself to you.

You made sure she didn’t grab the food yet until carmine and her daughters arrived, just as Velvette seemed impatient, you heard the doorbell ring.

“That must be them, and Velvette you better behave young lady I won’t stand you acting cheeky on them.” She rolled her eyes “I won’t mom.” You ignored that and walked to the door just then Carmilla and her girls walked in. “What are you doing here?!” “Can’t tell that I’m the girlfriend.” This made Velvette eyes widen and she gripped the fork she was holding.

You could tell that Velvette was pissed her glare harden as she watched Carmilla and her girls sit across from the both of you, “Velvette what did I just say.” You scolded her despite that she continued to glare especially at carmine “I’m sorry about that, ignore her let’s just get into with dinner.” “It’s quite alright (y/n), besides it’s nothing new to me.” This made you raise your eyebrow but continued on with dinner.

So you receive to ease the tension “so you two are overlords so I’m assuming you guys heard of each other.” You wanted Velvette and carmine to get along or at least be civil with each other. “Oh I know her, hey carmine aren’t you the one that objected on fighting back against angels?” Velvette mention out of the blue “what?” This made carmine roll her eyes “yes but i have good reasons for it.” “I guess two of you have meet.” Camilla brought her full attention to you instead “yes your daughter had, interesting ideas about how to deal with the exterminators.”

Then it went back to awkward silence but knowing Velvette, though you do love your daughter she usually the one of instigate things. “Well whatever happened we will be discussed after dinner, after all I didn’t slave away at dinner for nothing so eat up everyone. They all begin taking food You turned your attention to Carmilla’s daughters, how are two enjoying the food?” “It’s good Mrs.”spoke odette “Yes very delicious.” Agreed Clara. “No need for formalities dears call me (y/n).” They nodded their heads in understanding.

You all begin making conversation except Velvette who was keeping to herself, choosing to be on her phone while eating. After dinner was finished Carmilla complimented your cooking “it was delicious hun.” “Aww thank you.” You looked to see that it was dark out already “I know it wasn’t planned but it’s late and I don’t want you and your girls going out at night so you three should stay over. This made daughter fume in anger even more.

“Thank you love, I think it’s best as well, do you have pajamas for me and my daughters?” “Of course I’ll give you one of mine and for Clara and odette I’m sure Velvette has some clothes she made from her models that have the same body type as the girls.” “No way.” Interjected Velvette “no buts young lady besides it’s not a question it’s a demand.” You replied this made her eye twitch but she did it anyways.

Of spires she made sure to give them good outfits, she takes fashion very seriously. “Good thank you Velvette.” “You’re welcome.” She grumbled out, all five of you went up to the bedroom you showed the girls their rooms and Velvette went into her room for the night as well. “Good night girls sleep tight.” They all said goodnight in return.

When you weren’t looking carmine gripped velvettes shoulder and went closer to her whispering “I’m gonna go f$&k your mom.” She then walked away with a smirk towards your room without a word leaving velvette to her own shock and horror of the implication what you two will do that night.

She laid in bed in disbelief as she heard carmine and worst of all her mom’s moans in the other room she put her pillow around her head to cover her ears, hoping this nightmare of hers would be over.

<- Back to MasterList or back to Hazbin Hotel

[bokutosbiceps]

real deal

kure raian x f!reader | smut + some fluff | 2.2k words

summary: raian comes home from a job to find that you’ve replaced him with a little piece of plastic. he decides to show you why the real deal is always better

warnings: mentions of murder, cursing (it’s rai omg), nsfw under the cut, use of sex toy, cunnilingus, throat fucking, choking/gagging, pussy eating, fingering, rough sex, possessive sex, mating press, dirty talk

a/n: i’m dedicating this to @thebigevilsamp + @missmadness123 because i used to thirst over raian with these two so i figured you guys would appreciate this 🥹 i’m sorry for leaving LOL. oh + also @kenganparadise + @kengan-ass because i enjoyed their writing at the peak of the fandom 💕

18+ MINORS DNI

Raian swung his keys around on his index finger as he strolled back to his car, whistling a tune he’d had stuck in his head throughout his entire job. Erioh had sent him to kill some asshole who had been embezzling money from one of Erioh’s oldest friend’s company, and Raian couldn’t have been less intrigued. 

The job was easy, since the target was just an old dude. A simple squeeze of his hand had snapped the old man’s fragile cervical spine, extinguishing the last bit of life the guy had left in him. Whatever, he was probably going to die within the next 10 years anyways. But however easy the job was, it was equally long. The target rarely ever worked given his old age, and it took forever to get intel on when the old bag would show up to work. Raian was never able to figure out where he lived, either. He didn’t understand how old people could be so elusive.

I’ve just gotta go report back to old man Erioh and then I’ll finally be able to get home. Raian grunted to himself as he weaved in and out of traffic on his way to Kure Village. I wonder how my bitch is doing… Raian’s expression softened as he thought of coming home to you after being away for so long on this job. He would probably never get used to being received with such excitement and love when returning home from a job. Deep down, he loved it. And deep down, he missed you more and more as the days apart from you passed. He appreciated the short but sweet texts you would send him, telling him that you were thinking of him, or that you missed him, sometimes even complete with a cute or sexy photo of you.

Maybe he should do something nice for you. Since he was in a good mood.

Raian sneered as he slammed his car door shut after pulling up to a random supermarket. Dumb bitch, making me get her flowers. Why do women even like flowers? They’re so useless, can’t even eat them or use them as a weapon. Fucking hell. He grumbled to himself as he picked up some flowers, already knowing exactly which kind he would get since he had taken note of what types of flowers you liked to adorn the kitchen table with in the house. He could be observant when he wanted. He threw some cash at the cashier and stalked back to his car, speeding to Kure Village so he could debrief Erioh and be on his merry way to your arms.

“It’s finished, old man.” Raian leaned against the door frame to Erioh’s office, a lazy smirk playing on his lips as he watched his grandfather raise his eyebrows in surprise.

“I’m surprised it took you so long. I was starting to wonder if you’d finally pissed someone off enough to get yourself killed.” Erioh cackled at how quickly Raian’s smirk disappeared.

“Kill? Me?” Raian snorted. “You know better, you old bastard, no one can kill me.” Raian straightened once he remembered your flowers were resting in the front seat of his car, likely shriveling up in the sweltering heat of the afternoon. “I’m leaving. If you need anything else, don’t.” Raian turned on his heel and waved to Erioh as he exited his house.

“Raian.” Erioh called out to him and Raian huffed as he turned back around to face his grandfather, glaring at him expectantly. “I’m giving you the next two weeks off. Spend some time with your woman.” Erioh smiled slyly and sat down at his desk. “If I’m going to be appointing you as head of the clan anytime soon, I’ll be wanting to see that you are capable of upholding your bloodline.” Erioh gave Raian a pointed look. “Get busy.”

Raian scoffed as he continued to make his way out of Erioh’s house. Way ahead of you.

It took Raian less than 3 minutes to drive the short distance from Erioh’s house in the depths of Kure Village to his own home somewhere in the upper ring of the village.

He unlocked the front door and entered the silent house with flowers in hand, somewhat disappointed that you weren’t jumping into his arms to greet him like you usually did. It’s what he got for trying to surprise you with his return.

“Y/n?” Raian called out as he walked from the front room to the living room, stopping in the kitchen to set the flowers down on the table next to the vase filled with almost identical flowers. He heard a small buzzing noise coming from down the hall and followed the noise to the bedroom. What he found was a delicious sight.

You were lying on the California king, legs open wide, chest heaving, and lips parted in pleasure as you held something small and colorful and vibrating to your clit.

“Hmm, the fuck is going on here?” Raian’s deep drawl shook you out of your haze of pleasure, causing you to immediately close your legs and sit up in slight fear and embarrassment.

“Rai, I didn’t know you were coming home.” Your voice was breathless, your hair slightly tousled, and your cheeks held a shade of arousal that Raian found so delectable. He approached the bed in one long stride and snatched the vibrator out of your hand before you could even think to hide it. “I missed you.” You said bashfully, watching as Raian inspected the toy that fit in between his large fingers.

“You missed me so you tried to replace me with this thing?” Raian challenged, crushing the vibrator between his fingers and shifting his gaze to you.

“Nothing can replace you, Rai.” You sat up onto your knees to become level with Raian, who was still standing by the bedside, now brushing the remnant of your brand new vibrator onto the floor. You slid your hands underneath his shirt and up his chest. “Fusui just…suggested it to me. She knew I was missing you and you never told me when you’d be back…a girl has her needs, y’know.”

“So did that little fucking toy satisfy your needs?” Raian seized your hands with one of his hands and used his other hand to grip your face. You shook your head in blatant and hurried denial. “Good, I’m glad my bitch knows the difference between a piece of plastic and the real deal.”

Raian wasted no time in pushing you back on the bed and placing his knees on either side of your naked body, dragging his shirt off while you made quick work of his belt and pushed his jeans down to expose the bulge in his boxers.

“You see how hard I am already, bitch? This was your plan all along, hm? For me to come home and see my bitch all laid out on the bed for me, ready to be fucked?” Raian sank his teeth into your shoulder, rutting his hips so that his bulge was rubbing against your pussy. You gasped at the sudden contact and wrapped your legs around his hips obediently, giving him more access. “Good girl.” He growled, moving his hands down to squeeze and knead your ass.

“Rai, fuck—I missed you, so much.” You breathed, bucking your hips against his boxers, getting them soaked in your arousal.

Raian sat back on his heels, eyes raking over your naked body which was trembling with excitement at the evening ahead of you. He looked down at his boxers and frowned. “Dirty girl, huh? Getting my boxers all wet with your pussy juices.” He stood up briefly to take off his boxers, releasing his girthy cock and letting it slap against his lower abdomen. You drooled at the site of his pre-cum leaking out in beads from his tip.

Raian kneeled back on the bed and grabbed a fistful of your hair, coaxing your lips closer to his cock until it was fully shoved down your throat. He warmed his cock in your throat until he noticed tears forming at the corner of your eyes and decided to give a good, strong thrust into your mouth, causing you to gag.

“My bitch is gonna gag on my cock, huh? Did you miss the way it tastes? Are you gonna take all this cum for me?” He bullied you, fucking your throat despite your gagging and choking until he was shooting ropes of cum down into your stomach. He slid out of your mouth and let you catch your breath while pushing you back down on the bed and pressing kisses down your neck, to your breasts, to your navel, before placing a chaste kiss to your clit, making you whine and arch your back.

“Does my girl want me to fuck her cunt with my tongue?” Raian smirked at your whining as you twisted his hair in your fists, trying to push your hip into his face. “Tell me what you want, baby.”

“I want you t-to fuck me, Rai.” You breathed. “I missed your cock so much, baby.” Raian clicked his tongue before pushing one, then two, then three fingers inside of you, eliciting a high pitched whine from you that originated from deep in your chest.

“Not yet, bitch.” Raian pumped his fingers in and out of you as he licked a stripe up your clit. “I’ve gotta torture you first.” Raian continued fucking you with his fingers and licking and sucking on your clit until your thighs were trembling and he was sure you were about to cum. Just when you felt like you were about to fall over the edge, Raian abandoned your pussy, making you shiver slightly at the cold air that replaced his touch.

You lifted your heavy head to see Raian kneeling again, stroking his cock and spreading his pre-cum to make sure he could fuck you easily. You eyed his cock hungrily, remembering how just moments ago that thing had been shoved down your throat so far you could barely breathe.

Without any warning, Raian hoisted your legs onto his shoulders and leaned down in between your legs to lick greedily up your neck before capturing your lips in a rough kiss, almost feral, that left you dizzy. Raian’s lips put you into such a trance that the pressure of Raian pushing his cock inside of you made you squeal in surprise, throwing your head and arching your back, making Raian’s angle inside of you even deeper.

“Fuck, babe, how could I resist the feeling of your pussy squeezing my cock like this?” Raian picked up the pace, bottoming out with every thrust. “How much did you miss me?” Raian gripped your chin and forced you to look at him, but your eyes were rolling into the back of your head from the pleasure of Raian’s cock filling you up. “Look at me, bitch, tell me how much you missed me fucking you like this.”

You willed yourself to meet Raian’s feral gaze, which made your walls squeeze around Raian’s cock even tighter as he fucked you into the bed. “I missed you so much—baby, I-I dreamed about you coming home and—f-fucking me just like this.”

“Hm, good answer.” Raian's pace started to become erratic and his hips stuttered. “I think I’m gonna let you cum. Is that what you want?” You managed to moan out a yes as Raian’s thrusts became rougher and he squeezed your hips with his fingers, hard enough to leave bruises. He growled as he neared his release and the sound was the final straw to bring on your climax. Raian was not far behind you and he released into you as he bit your bottom lip before smoothing it over with his tongue.

Once he was sure he had emptied the last drop of his cum into your cunt, he slipped out of you and threw himself down onto the bed next to you, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you into his chest. He let you catch your breath before continuing his bullying.

“So me or the toy?” He asked through a smirk. You huffed.

“Rai, shut up. I was just desperate, you were gone for a long time.” You said the last part quietly.

Raian felt a twinge of guilt poke him in the chest. He frowned and ran his hands down your back, squeezing your ass. “Sorry.” He mumbled. Two weeks didn’t seem like that long when he was focused on a job, but he had never thought of how long it must’ve seemed to you when you had to deal with his family every day.

“It’s fine.” You stifled a yawn and curled yourself further into Raian’s chest. “Just as long as you come back to me every time.”

The corner of Raian’s mouth turned upward into what could have been regarded as a smile, had you seen it. He just grunted in agreement. Nothing could keep me away.

[missheavenfield1215]

Have you noticed that Beetlejuice and The Corpse Bride have the same climax??

A dead person

Who wants to marry a living person

Although it was against the will of that living person

When I realized this... I couldn't stop drawing

Beetlejuice ~Corpse Bride AU~

*In this AU, everyone is an adult*

*All my drawings are below in this post*

In this AU, Lydia takes the role of Victor, Beetlejuice is Emily, Elder Gudnekt could be Otto, Adam and Barbara would be the Everglot couple (of course, here, they have no bad intentions).

Lydia and her father, Charles, come from the great city of London, to expand their funeral services franchise, in addition to having gone through another marriage.

Charles had Lydia's mother, Emily, who passed away when she was 8 years old. At work, Charles met Delia, who was suffering from a fatal illness, but never told Charles that she was sick. So 4 years after their wedding, Delia also passed away.

To forget his grief, Charles became obsessed with his work and abandoned Lydia in their grief (as she also got along well with her). Lydia doesn't want to get married and hates the idea of being trapped forever in a useless marriage, which will only take away her freedom. Although she thinks that marriage is just a contract, deep inside her, she really feels that if she falls in love, it will only bring her pain and sorrow, just like her father.

Beetlejuice, here called Lawrence Shaggoth, is the only son of the honorable aristocratic marriage Shaggoth. In his youth Lawrence had a preference for men, but despite that, Adam was one of his friends. But when the time came for Lawrence to marry a young woman that his own mother raised so that Lawrence would "become normal." Juno is a homophobic bitch, so after receiving the news that her son was eloping with his lover, she decided to take matters into her own hands.

Juno bribed Lawrence's lover, who really only wanted the young man's money. Juno told the boy that she would pay him whatever he wanted, if he took Lawrence, destroyed him emotionally and murdered him. The boy did so, but the young woman Juno had "adopted", Angeline (Miss Argentina) had witnessed the whole sinister plan.

Juno learned that once Lawrence married, he would inherit everything as stipulated in his father's will. So, to continue with the lie, Juno took a young prostitute to "convince" Lawrence to escape and leave everything behind and thus demarcate him from the surname Shaggoth, since in her eyes, Lawrence was unworthy of such a title. But it turned out that she found out about his affair with a boy, and apparently he was cheating on him.

Lawrence, about to die and feeling betrayed and very scared, recites a poem to calm himself, but he does not know that this poem would be his condemnation and his salvation. Once the conditions stipulated in the poem were met, it would come back to life.

That's why Lawrence needs Lydia to marry him, because then he will come back to life, but he doesn't really have the idea of really falling in love with that "someone" to help him.

Here Adam and Barbara are also aristocrats, but their family name is in decline and they are on the verge of poverty. They decide to adopt Adam's youngest nephew, named Vincent, to prepare him for a marriage with which they can cope with the imminent poverty that awaits their family. They believe it would be best if Vincent chooses his future wife, and he chooses Lydia to marry and she is forced to do so by her father.

Lydia runs away from the engagement after finishing the wedding rehearsal and, as if to mock her father, she says: "I'd rather marry a dead person than someone who doesn't know me!"

It is then that Lawrence appears and proposes to marry him and when he comes back to life, he will help her escape the country and her father.

But neither of them really expected to fall in love with each other when they got to know each other in depth.

But there is the problem of Juno, who no longer has money and it is then that she uses Lydia's disappearance to extort money from Charles and promise him that she will look for the young woman.

And after thinking about all that... That's when I started drawing

"I just want to be alive... And I... "

"I don't want to be alone"

"In this cruel world"

These are small test sketches

Here's a closer shot of a Beetlejuice killed by his lover...

This is Lawrence, moments before his death. When his lover asked him to elope with some of the wealth, Lawrence dressed in his white wedding suit, but it was dyed red when a shotgun bullet pierced his ribs. (yes in the same place where Lydia stabbed him in the musical, both wounds were caused by a stab wound in the back... A betrayal)

Well... I had many things to say... But in essence that is the basis of everything.

This AU really works with any version of Beetlejuice, but mostly works best with the Headcanons of the musical.

(New information, I'm going to upload the update on my headcanons about this AU, when the post is ready, here will be a link)

[lovelykil]

「 Halloween 」

kyle x reader older ver.

cw; little nsfw

note; me when uhh mee whennn ermm uhhh me when cowboy kyle ohhhhhhhhhhhgod

black reader implied

I whipped out my phone to take a picture of my cowboy boots next to Kyle's to post on my Instagram as we waited for Kenny and Eric to finish getting their candy. We stood on the sidewalk waiting for them to get back.

It seemed like forever I mean how long does it take to just get your candy and go?

I had already posted the picture on my account and still they weren't back.

Kyle huffed in frustration feelings the same then felt his pockets since it vibrated.

"Did you tag me in something" He asked before even looking at his phone. I giggled lightly, putting my phone in my jean pocket.

"How'd you know?"

"Cause you always tag me in something, I swear." He opened his phone, going to insta.

I swung my bag of candy slowly from boredom, my eyes wondering around. I saw other groups of people walk from house to house, kids running around in their little costumes and some houses going way out for this Halloween. Webs everywhere with giant spiders in the middle, tall ass Skeletons in their front yard, smokey-like air filling the yard with gravestones in the grass as zombie like hands reach out to bring in an unattended little kid down to the underground, and bright red scary lights hung from their houses.

South Park went big for this year, that's for sure

Kyle set his bag of candy down on the concrete to hold his phone better as he probably tapped through our friend's stories from tonight, an hour ago Wendy posted her and Stan's costume, they went as Mavis and Johnny from hotel transylvania.

Which was totally cute, they went trick or treating with Bebe and Clyde not sure why they didn't join us though but it's whatever.

It was maybe cause every damn year we go and do this Eric likes to bitch about the candy and start a whole scene with the person handing out candy.

oh wait..

My head whipped back around to find cartman and to NO surprise he was waving his arm in the air with candy, even from way over here I could hear him shout in his barbie costume.

Surprisingly Kenny and him matched.. can you guess?

barbie and ken

If it wasn't obvious

His blonde hair wig bounced all around as he yelled I saw Kenny bring his hand to his face, shaking it slowly.

I groaned to myself, rolling my eyes into their sockets.

"Cartmans being a dick again.." I muttered. I looked over at the ginger in his cowboy costume. He looked up from his phone, squinted then rolled his eyes.

"That fucking asshole- hold on I'll be back." He put his phone back in his pocket then walked his way onto the drive way of the house, his boots clanked on the hard floor following the path to the front door to drag Eric back.

I watched,, more like studied him.

Okay I lied, fonded over.

Me and him went as cowboys this year he wasn't to big of a fan of this though.

"You want to go dressed as cowboys this Halloween?" Kyle put down his pencil and spun his chair to look at me. I set on the edge of his bed with my phone to my chest and my legs swinging in excitement. I nodded, even smiling.

He looked at me like I had a screw loose in my head or something, to which I clicked my tounge and leaned off the bed.

"I think it would be cool, I like cowboys" I walked over to him, pouting. He took off his glasses with to rub his over worked eyes.

"Don't you think we're to old to be trick or treating? I mean we can just eat candy and watch movies at my house for the night." He put his hand down, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

I stared at him in disbelief, obviously very offended. I set my hand on my hip turning my head in offense.

"I'm not that old!"

He watched me walk back to his bed andturn over to lay on my side as I sulked on my phone, he sighed and got up from his chair to crawl over next to me.

"You're kinda of a baby you know"

"I love trick or treating."

"Alright fine we can go, sorry." He played with a stain of my curly hair, curling it around just to let it go and watch it coil back to its regular curl. I turned over, sitting up.

My eyes lit up, I put my hands on his shoulders "Really?"

"Yes" He chuckled, nodding. I smiled, pecking his nose then went to grab my phone.

"Okay we are sooo going to need to buy these, also I have a spare cowboy hat back at my house that will look so good on you." I showed him the clothes, my voice trembling with pure happiness.

"Okay but why cowboy?" He questioned, grabbing my phone for himself to scroll through the clothes we needed. I was about to answer his question when I paused, remembering the reason I wanted to do this in the first place.

I mean I initially did like western things but.. the other reason behind it..

My cheeks burned my dark face, I rubbed the back of my neck as my eyes darted elsewhere.

"Uhm no clue like I said I just like cowboys, they are cool.."

"Mmmm, okay I guess."

The real reason was because I just wanted to see him in clothes like that, he's pretty tall with a pretty face and a small waist though still masculine in every way.

Him in brown boots, a button up black shirt, sliver western buckle belt to go with his low rise boot cut jeans that fit his figure complimented with chaps to wear with, and a cowboy hat to top it off.

And of course his rope that he could totally just use on me, maybe tie my wrist together and hold them over my head as his slender fingers make contact with my bare skin from beneth my button shirt. His voice low telling me to keep quiet each time I whimper to his touch.

His eyes filled with lust watching me struggle to fulfill his demand once his fingers inch near my temple, rubbing my pearl slowly. He'd smirk from above taking off his hat to set it on the bed.

"Want me to go down on you baby?" He'd whisper in such a suggestive tone, his smirk making my legs tremble. I'd nod nervously and watch him hum a response, unbuttoning my pants.

"Yeah you do, my pretty girl."

And possibly maybe his–

"CARTMAN GOD DAMMIT COME ON!"

"NO LET ME GO, THEY GAVE ME A TOOTH BRUSH KAHL, A FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH. WHO DOES THAT?" My flash back came to a quick end, hearing loud voices coming near me. I blinked, looking around for a second gaining conscience.

"oh shit." I whispered, feeling my face burn.

"There's other houses still fatass, you'll be okay." Kyle dragged Eric back to the spot as Kenny followed.

He looked so damn fine in that hat, his angry expression just made his outfit look 100 times better on him.

I felt my heart race and a nervous feeling washing over me.

"Sorry that took long, ready to continue Y/n?" He let got of Eric, dropping him on the concrete. The barbie shouted in frustration to the jew, fixing his messy blonde wig.

My eyes traced up at Kyle just realizing how small I was compared to him, I wasn't even that short and he literally towered me.

I swallowed some extra spit, avoiding his gaze. "yeah..uh let's.. let's go." I turned around to start the walk to the next house. If I stared at him more I think I would've probably started to make out with him in front of these kids which I was not going to do.

So many explicit thought flooded my god forsaken mind as we continued the walk to the houses I wanted to bang my head on a wall.

There wasn't much I could do anyway Kyle had no clue I was suffering from him, he kept arguing with cartman but still held my hand since I wanted him too.

I could feel my body grow hot especially my lower region, my cool breath was soon hot and thick.

As we approached another house I gripped Kyle's hand for him to stop. The other duo went ahead of us as I kept Kyle back.

He turned around confused, looking down.

"Something wrong Y/-"

"I need you badly right now ky, need you to tie me up with that rope of yours." I pointed to the rope on his waist, pleading. His stunned eyes met my begging ones he was quiet and didn't say anything from shock.

"You want to cut this short then?" He pointed to the decorated house to which I nodded, feeling a little sad then again that was the least thing on my mind at the moment.

He faltered with a blush, his contact still on me. I stepped closer to him, my hand feeling around his pant area begging some more. Anything I would do just for him to take me home so he can have his way with me in this cowboy wear.

"you just look so good right now, I don't think I can hold myself back for much longer.."

"o-oh?" He watched me feel up on him, his face growing redder. Just moments later I felt a bump growing from beneath his pants as my fingers teased him.

He whined, his hips leaning towards me.

"fuck.." He muttered from pleasure mixed with shame. I giggled, moving my hand away from him.

"Now you have to take me home."

"Okay fine.." He gave in, looking around to check if the coast was clear to flee.

He took my hand soon enough and walked away from the previous house we were at, I held onto his hand in content.

As we walked, trying to find his car he looked over at me needing the feeling to ask something.

"I have a feeling you picked these costumes just so you can see me in this." He stated. I looked at him then turned away once I felt myself get nervous.

"Maybe, or maybe not.. who knows?"

"Mhm.." He hummed.

A silence fell between us then was disturbed when he snickered lightly.

"You're so horny it's crazy." He laughed, I scoffed with a blush.

"Says the one with a walking boner right now."

"Oh shit I forgot about that, kids are here oh my god.."

[punchdrunkdoc]

Part 3, Chapter 3

Summary: After the events of S3, Matt Murdock is trying to once again balance life as a lawyer and a vigilante. But he’s been scarred by loss and betrayal - will a mysterious new neighbour help him heal? Or will her secrets drag him back into the darkness?

Notes: This is a slow burn romance with an original female character, told in 3 (maybe 4??) parts. There is mystery, intrigue, action/violence and angst - all the good stuff!

Also available on AO3 and Wattpad

Masterlist

Reference pics

————–

PART 3

Chapter 3

The next morning, Matt smiled as he walked passed the florist on his way to work, the rich, heady scent of roses filling the air.

Yesterday, that fragrant reminder of the upcoming romantic celebration had only added to his bad mood - the bad mood caused by a week spent worrying about Calina and her strange phone call, and a month and a half spent missing her. The fact that Valentine’s Day was approaching meant he was bitterly reminded of what was taken from them, and what other couple’s took for granted - the chance to be with each other.

But today, he was actually feeling…optimistic.

Calina may have been a few days early, but she’d given him the perfect Valentine’s gift:

Hope.

Her brief visit last night had spurned him out of his morose despondency. It was the catalyst he’d needed to realise that it was time to stop dwelling on the negatives and obsessing over what they’d lost.

Instead, it was time to focus on the positives. They were both still alive. Still healthy. And still fighting for each other. Distance didn’t matter. Being temporarily separated didn’t matter. They loved each other. They would have the rest of their lives together. A few months apart was nothing compared to the years to come.

Matt had been dealt some crap hands throughout his life - losing his sight. Losing his father. Losing again and again. But he’d always found a reason to stay in the game. To accept the defeats and find the will to carry on playing.

This was no different.

He just had to have faith that God’s plan would reveal itself.

And this morning, he felt like he was finally getting a glimpse of the tapestry. He was finally seeing the beauty in the chaos. This separation would only strengthen them as a couple. It would serve to reinforce their bond, and ensure that they never took each other - or their happiness together - for granted.

“You seem…better,” Karen commented when Matt reached the office.

Matt shrugged. “I feel better.”

“That’s good.” She gifted him with a wide smile, and Foggy patted him on the shoulder.

It made Matt realise how much his foul mood had been impacting his friends and their workplace. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said. “For being such a miserable bastard the last couple of months.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘miserable bastard’,” Foggy replied. “That’s a bit harsh. ‘Forlorn asshole’, maybe. Or ‘wretched son of a bitch’ would be more accurate.”

Matt laughed. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll try to be more upbeat from now on.”

“What brought on this sudden change in attitude?” Foggy asked.

Matt couldn’t help his smile. “I saw Calina last night.”

“So you got laid! That explains everything!”

Karen slapped Foggy’s chest with the back of her hand. “God, Foggy.”

Matt just laughed. “No, it was just a quick visit. But it helped give me some perspective. It’s like you said, Fog - this is just a long distance relationship. It won’t last forever…and other couples go through similar experiences all the time.”

“Exactly, man. Astronauts.”

Matt smiled. “Yeah. Astronauts.”

“She’s Neil Armstrong, and you’re the little lady waiting back on earth.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “Something like that.”

“Okay,” Foggy said, rubbing his hands together. “Well, since you’re in such a good mood, you can take point on the meeting with the new nightmare client, while I finish off the brief for the Chisholm case.”

“Nightmare client?” Matt asked.

“Yeah, a tenant dispute case. They’re arriving at 10.”

“Fine,” Matt agreed. Liaising with a difficult client was the least he could do to make up for his less than stellar performance the last couple of months. “But I have something to do first.” He held up the USB drive that Calina had slipped to him last night.

“What’s that?” Karen asked.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”

Matt booted up his computer and plugged in the device. It contained a single large document which he printed off in braille and started scanning through. At first there was just a list of chemicals - the results of the analysis by the Widow scientist - but then Calina added some context.

And it changed everything.

“Guys?” he called out. “You gotta hear this.”

“What is it?” Karen said, taking a seat on the other side of his desk. Foggy joined them a moment later and leaned against the door frame.

“Calina found something.” Matt spun his monitor around to show the document on the screen. “Apparently, one of the main ingredients of the fear pheromone is something called Arsonium bromide. Its a chemical that environmental groups have been calling for greater regulation on, because it’s disposal has been linked to soil contamination which is affecting agriculture yields across the country. Those environmental groups were successful in convincing a prominent politician to lobby their cause to the EPA last year.”

“Okay,” Karen said slowly. “How does this help us?”

“That prominent politician was Governor Andrew Benson.”

“The guy Calina was supposed to assassinate?”

“Yes.” Matt leaned forward as he laid out Calina’s theory. “Two days after the failed assassination, Benson suddenly, and without warning, withdrew his petition to the EPA, and walked back all his previous objections to the chemical.”

“Somebody got to him,” Karen added. “Somebody with a vested interest in the use of Arsonium bromide.”

“Exactly. With Benson’s support, the environmental groups were gaining traction in their fight. So someone tried to take Benson out. And when that failed, they likely played off the assassination attempt as a warning.”

“Do as we say, or next time it’ll be for real,” Foggy guessed. “Which means whoever is behind the manufacture of the fear pheromone-”

“Is the same person who arranged for Calina to be reactivated,” Karen finished.

“It’s all connected,” Matt said. “If we find out who created the pheromone, we find out who ordered Calina’s mind control. And vice versa - if we can find out who paid to have their very own Widow assassin, we find our pheromone guy.”

“Holy shit,” Karen whispered, tilting the monitor so she could read through the information on the screen.

“I take it the Widows are concentrating on finding out who bought Calina’s ‘services’, for want of a better term?” Foggy asked, reading the screen over Karen’s shoulder.

“As much as they can - but they’re more focussed on hunting down Volkov. He’s the bigger threat to them right now. Which means we’ll be doing them a favour if we find this information first.”

“So where do we begin?” Foggy asked.

“I say we concentrate on researching this chemical. Where its manufactured, who buys it, and how.”

“I’ll start today,” Karen answered, scribbling in her notebook.

“What does this mean?” Foggy said, pointing to something on Matt’s screen.

“Which part?” Matt asked, shuffling through his print outs.

“The last sentence. It says, ‘I hope this helps, shereen-am.’ What is ‘shereen-am’?”

Matt tried to control his reaction. “It’s nothing. Just an inside joke.”

It wasn’t nothing. And it wasn’t a joke. But it was something private, just between Matt and Calina. He’d googled the phrase before calling the others into his office and found that it was a Persian term of endearment. Roughly translated from Farsi into English it meant ‘Honey’.

By using that term, Calina was reminding him of Christmas Day, when she’d whispered all those terms of endearment into his ear as they’d made love on the couch.

She was reminding him of a happier time, to help get him through the dark and lonely days to come.

Matt smiled as he skimmed his fingers over that word again: Shereen-am.

Calina’s visit last night had given him hope. The information on the USB had given him a lead. And the affectionate nickname on the end of her message had given him a glimpse of how things would be between them in the future.

It was a promise, of better times ahead.

———

“And then he grabbed her and kissed her!”

“It was like something out of a movie - the way he dipped her back, and with the two of them bathed in the moonlight with the stars twinkling overhead…”

Calina groaned and sank into her chair as Katya and Inessa gushed to the other Widows about Matt’s antics on the boat last night. The three of them had arrived back at the mansion at dawn, and after a brief nap, they were now debriefing the rest of the team.

But it had gotten a little side-tracked.

“‘Bathed in the moonlight’?” Sofia repeated. “Come on, Inessa, I think you’ve been reading too many of those romance novels.”

“But that’s exactly what it was like!” the younger Widow protested. “It was the most romantic, swoon-worthy thing I’ve ever seen!”

“That’s not really saying much, given the way we were raised,” Viktoria commented.

Inessa rolled her eyes, and opened her mouth to respond but Anya cut her off. “Enough about Calina’s love life. Did you find the warehouse?”

Calina sat up again. “Yes, enough about me. Tell them what you found.”

Anya had found mention on Ranieri’s laptop of a recent real estate transaction. Which wasn’t unusual in itself - the Ranieri family seemed to prioritise property and commercial investments over gambling on the stock market. But while the rest of Salvatore’s portfolio made sense for a party guy in his late twenties - night clubs, bars, trendy apartments in major cities across the world - a former wholesale carpet warehouse in an industrial estate in New Jersey did not.

So Katya and Inessa had been tasked with scoping it out. 

Katya tossed a USB stick to Anya. “Photographs and schematics as requested. The place was deserted - no personnel on the grounds - but it was spotless, with signs of a recent professional clean. It’s definitely being prepped for something.”

“Like a lab to manufacture the mind control serum,” Sofia guessed.

“Possibly,” Yelena interjected. “But we can’t get ahead of ourselves. We need more evidence. We need to be sure before we make any moves.”

“Agreed,” Anya chimed in.

“Which is why we planted a few cameras,” Inessa said with a cocky grin. “And several bugs. We’ll know soon enough what the plan is for that building.”

“Good,” Yelena responded. She looked around the room at the rest of the Widows. And a rare smile graced her face. “I know I just told you all to be cautious…but I have a good feeling about this. I think this is how we get Volkov. I think this will all be over soon.”

Several of the women whooped and cheered in response - a sign that Calina wasn’t the only one who was looking forward to this confinement ending.

And it also proved to Calina how much the Widows had come out of their shells over the last few months. They laughed more readily now. They expressed their emotions without prompting. Conversations flowed instead of stuttered, and there was an easy camaraderie between everyone.

The stilted, angry, and bitter atmosphere that often pervaded the base in South Carolina didn’t exist here in Maine. And Calina knew it had nothing to do with the change in scenery - the weather outside the mansion was dark and grey and wet these days, holding little of the sunny, vibrant beauty of Charleston.

Time was the reason.

They’d been given time to start the healing process. To learn about themselves and the world around them. Time to find their little moments of joy.

Joy that even Volkov couldn’t take away. If anything, the looming threat that he posed had the opposite effect - as if the Widows were defiantly enjoying themselves even more to spite him and his attempts to force them back into an emotionless, violent existence.

Calina would be sorry to leave this place when the time came. She no longer felt the need to escape this environment. Not like in the beginning, when she’d first been freed. Back then, she’d felt suffocated by all the pain and rage around her. She’d wanted to strike out on her own and discover who she was away from that toxic environment.

But everything was different now. Now she would miss living here with all her sisters.

Though not as much as she missed Matt.

Seeing him last night had been a rollercoaster ride. She’d swung from the lowest low of wanting to escape his presence, to the highest high from that kiss. Because as much as it made Calina cringe, Inessa’s description had been spot-on - it had been the most wonderful, romantic, swoon-worthy gesture in the history of the world.

But on the journey back to Maine, the high had worn off. And all her doubts and fears - and all the guilt - had come flooding back.

And all of it boiled down to one thing - she didn’t feel worthy of him.

She didn’t feel worthy of the kind of man who would fly a hundred feet through the air just to kiss her. She didn’t feel worthy of a man as amazing and kind and smart as Matt. A man who fiercely protected the strangers in his city, and could touch her with such reverent tenderness.

The kiss had made her forget all that. It had short-circuited her brain and over-rode all her negative emotions, until the only thing left was passion. She’d given in to the moment, to the feel of being in Matt’s arms again.

Which she’d known would happen. It was the reason she’d chosen that cramped, awkward crane jib as their meeting point in the first place. She’d known that if they’d met in his apartment, or on the pier - or anywhere else out in the open - he would have taken her in his arms and she would have been powerless to resist. She would have accepted his embrace and returned his kiss all the while feeling undeserving of him.

So she’d chosen that metal cage instead, as a way to deny herself.

As a punishment.

But he’d gotten around her little ploy. He’d kissed the life out of her on that boat deck, and everything else had faded away. How guilty she felt about Italy. How scared she was that if he truly knew her and everything she’d done as a Widow that he’d hate her.

How terrified she was that they were too good to be true.

“Calina!”

Calina lifted her head at the sound of her name. The other widows were all staring at her. “Huh?” she asked.

“You spaced out there,” Inessa explained.

“Sorry. Just tired,” she lied. “I’m going to head back to bed.”

The chorus of ‘Byes’ and ‘Sleep wells’ from her sisters followed Calina up the stairs, but she was already lost in thought again.

She didn’t know what to do about Matt and all these doubts she was having.

Did she share them with him? Admit her fears about not being worthy of his love? Could she even explain them without having to divulge all the dirty secrets of her past? Wouldn’t that just bring about the end of their relationship and defeat the purpose of the whole ‘sharing’ thing?

Calina fell forward onto her bed and smothered her frustrated groan with her pillow. Then she flipped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling as she contemplated the alternative scenario: being with Matt, with this constant pit of worry in her stomach. Revelling in his affection and his love whilst always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

A tear leaked from the corner of Calina’s eye as she wrestled with all of these unfamiliar emotions. A tiny part of her longed for the days of being an unfeeling automaton…but she quickly squashed that treacherous notion.

This was better.

Despite all the uncertainty and pain and confusion, dealing with these emotions was far better than living as a shell of a human being under the Red Room’s control.

“Hey, you okay?”

Calina hastily wiped away the tear as Katya entered their room. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Liar,” Katya teased, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “You’ve not been okay since Italy. Did something else happen there?”

Calina levered herself up to rest against the headboard. “What do you mean?”

“Well, when you debriefed us after the mission you said Ranieri just got a bit handsy. Did something…more…happen that night? You can tell me.”

Calina shook her head. “No, nothing else happened.”

“So what is it? What’s going on with you?”

Calina’s first instinct was to lie again. To keep everything to herself. It was the way she was raised - the way they all had been. Even before the mind control serum took away their emotions they were trained to hide them. To bury their sadness and their loneliness and their pain. To never confide in anyone how they were feeling.

It was a difficult habit to break, but Calina was determined to tear away this next layer of Red Room conditioning. So she took a deep breath and told Katya everything. How she’d called Matt before the party in Italy. How having Ranieri’s hands on her felt. And how it was all messing with her head. “I know intellectually that nothing really happened,” she explained. “It was just a few unwanted gropes and a kiss on the neck - I’ve been through much worse on missions like that - but I just feel so…guilty. I keep imagining if it was Matt in that situation, and he’d let some other woman touch him. I would hate it. Which means I can’t tell him, because then he’d hate me.”

“You don’t know that for sure,” Katya interjected. “If you just explain to him that it was a mission and you were playing a role-”

“But that would just open up this whole can of worms. About all the other roles I’ve played in the past, and the things I’ve done-”

“While under mind control, Calina.”

“Again, I know that intellectually…but don’t you still feel guilty about everything you did while under the serum?”

Katya smiled. “I feel guilty for stabbing you in Seoul.”

Calina rolled her eyes. “I’m being serious. We all did some really messed up shit for Dreykov. Doesn’t that…stick with you at all?”

Katya looked down as she picked at a loose thread in the bedspread. “Occasionally. Usually at night - my dreams are sometimes…not fun.”

Calina placed her hand over Katya’s remembering what it was like when she first arrived in New York - the endless nights spent pacing the rooftop, unable to sleep. “I’m sorry.”

Katya shrugged. “It’s fine. They’re just memories. The important thing is that I don’t blame myself for it. And you’re not to blame either. We were kids when we were brainwashed, and then we were forced against our will to commit all those acts.”

“But what about now? We’re acting on our own free will, and we’re still murdering and stealing-”

“Yes, to stop the bad guys!” Katya protested. “We’re on the side of good now. And we have the rest of our lives to be on that good side, and to make up for everything we’ve done”

“Can we, though? Can we possibly balance a ledger with so much red in it?”

“Now you sound like Natasha. And look what she’s accomplished. She’s an Avenger. Little girls all over the world want to be like her, because she’s a hero. We can be like that too.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel like a hero. Matt’s a hero, and he-”

It was Katya’s turn to roll her eyes. “You know I like Matt, but he’s not exactly squeaky-clean. He’s a vigilante - he breaks the law every night.”

“It’s different. He has a moral code. One I’ve violated again and again. If he ever found out the truth about me, he’d hate me.”

Katya studied her for a few moments, a frown marring her face. “Calina, what is the ‘truth’ about you?”

Calina swallowed harshly. When she finally answered, her voice was small and shaky. “That I’m not a good person.”

Katya reared back. “That’s ridiculous! You were brainwashed and under mind control-”

“I’m not talking about that! Since leaving the Red Room, I’ve abandoned my sisters, I’ve lied to everyone I’ve met, I’ve killed people, and I- I cheated on my boyfriend!”

“You didn’t cheat!”

“What would you call it?”

“I call it necessary! We’re fighting a war here, Calina. And wars are messy, and they involve sacrifice and difficult decisions. Killing the men who came after you, lying to protect your identity and going undercover to steal from Ranieri were difficult decisions, but necessary.”

“But-”

“I’m not finished!”

Calina snapped her mouth closed. She’d never seen Katya like this - so agitated and…loud. She’d always been one of the quieter, more rational Widows.

“As to your other ‘sin’,” Katya continued. “You did not abandon us. You came to save me in Korea - you risked your life to save me. That’s not abandonment. And the other widows told me what you were like after you were freed - they could all see you were struggling. Moving to New York was another necessary decision. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a good person. You were never cut out for this kind of life. Even as kids we realised that you were too sweet and sensitive. And the Red Room persisted in trying to beat that out of you, but they never could. Despite what you’ve been through and what you were forced to do, you’re still that same sweet, sensitive, good person. It’s why you’re feeling all of this so much more than the rest of us. And while we all appreciate your help with taking down Volkov, if you want to leave again, not one person would blame you.”

She bumped her shoulder against Calina’s. “We love you, Calina. You are worthy of love. You just need to convince yourself of that.”

————–

So do we think Katya got through to Calina? Does she believe now that she's worthy of Matt?

Read chapter 4 to find out...

Tag list: @hollandorks @stilldreaming666 @yanna-banana @chezagnes​ @tearoseart-blog @acharliecoxedfan​ @freckledbabyyy ​​

If you’d like to be added - let me know!

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

Let Me Comfort PT 1

Paring: Javier Penña x Reader

Word count: 9k

Summary: When you take a sort term job in Colombia to clear your head and have a fresh start you form a unlikely bond with you're DEA Agent neighbor and your life is changed forever

Warnings: Slow Build, Pining ,Mutual Pining ,Fluff Tooth-Rotting Fluff Falling In Love, fluffy Javier, protective Javier, Javier falling for you angst, mentions of being followed and fighting.

A/N: I’m so nervous to start posting this story because I know the fandom for Pedro and Javier Pena are strong but I’m so proud of it and am currently working on Part 2. Some slight elements are the same from the show but is mostly AU

You hadn’t been in Colombia long, about a month at this point. The last couple years have been a painful whirlwind for you and you took this job to get away from it all, hitting a reset button on your life.

Not that this was the ideal situation either, working as a part of the cleaning crew at the United States Embassy at the height of the war on drugs against Pablo Escobar.

The Embassy thankfully set you up with an apartment as part of your contract. It was in a smallish apartment building with only 3 other units not far from where the embassy was located. You hadn’t met any of your neighbors yet, all thought you often heard your neighbor having sex. Sometimes leaving for work or coming home you’d cross paths with someone of the women coming and going from his apartment, almost never the same girl but always exchanging friendly smiles and “hellos”.

“Hey, (Y/N) some of us are going to grab a drink after work if you’d like to come along?”

“Oh um…sure I’d like that!” You replied smiling

“We’ll meet in the lobby and walk down to the bar in 30” Kate said walking off to finish her tasks and change.

Your coworkers seemed nice, you hadn’t talked much but it felt nice to be invited. You hasn’t really made any friends since arriving in Columbia and mostly just kept to yourself.

You met your coworkers in the lobby and you all walked down to the bar, where you all ordered your drinks and grabbed a empty table. You sat there and made small talk with everyone, smiling and laughing along, trying not to be anxious about being out with new people.

“Thank you for inviting me, I’m going head to the market and then head home” you said, finishing your second drink before heading out.

You walked around the corner and headed to the market picking up some food for the week and some other toiletries that you needed.

You had more bags than you intended, but the walk back to the apartment wasn’t to far. As you crossed the street to make you way back home this man about your age approached and started talking and walking with you. The feeling of panic washed over you, it was dark at this point and he was insisting he carry your bags. He forced the bags from your hands and caressed your arm with his free hand. Reluctantly you walked to your place trying to get the man to leave you alone, he wouldn’t let up and followed you into the building. As you approached your apartment you pretended you couldn’t find your keys in your bag to stall as much as possible. This made him angry, he dropped your bags and grabbed your arm just above your elbow and squeezed , yelling mostly in Spanish but saying in English “unlock the door bitch”

You screamed “no” trying to pull away from him but he squeezed tighter and pulled you back, causing you to knock into your neighbors door.

You hear the lock on the door click and it swings open, a man’s deep horse voice shouts “ what the fuck is happening out here” as he opens it hanging half way out his door way.

“Fuck, fuck fuck” you mumble. You hadn’t even met your neighbor yet and this was going to be his first impression of you. Youre face flushed with fear and tears.

He sees the man your with is a local and the two men start yelling at each other in Spanish.

“I’m sorry” you whisper turning to the man. He takes one look at you and realizes your completely terrified and that the man you’re with has ahold of your arm. His whole demeanor changes as he slams his door shut and comes fully into the hallway. You notice right away the badge on his belt and then your eyes scan to the gun stuck in the front of his pants. He whispers “trust me”as he grabs your wrist and pulls you away from the stranger. He draws his gun and shouts in one swift motion. The guy takes one look at him and takes off, running down the hallway and out of the building.

You just stood there in complete shock staring at the floor covered in your things from the market, tears streaming down your face.

“Are you ok?”

Your trance broken, you quickly wipe the tears from you face, picking up your things.

“Y-yeah”

“Let me help you with those”

You wordlessly take the bags from him and unlock your door.

“Goodnight”

You turn to him with a blank expression

“Goodnight”

—————————————————————

It had been a few days since the incident and you were feeling less shaken by it all. The one thing on your mind was how you never actually thanked your neighbor for saving you, and that guilt was driving you crazy. I know what I’ll do you thought to yourself, I’ll make a big meal and bring him over a plate and say thank you and introduce myself. You loved cooking and baking and you haven’t done much of it down here while you were settling into your new life. Being one of your favorite things was putting on the record player and getting lost in the kitchen. It made you feel relaxed but also helped numb the sadness in your life. You dug around in your fridge and cabinets and settled on making pasta with Parmesan cream sauce with chicken and sun dried tomatoes and some cookies.

You made a nice plate full and wrapped it in tin foil and put some of the cookies in a container. You walked out to the hall way double checking your door, making sure it wasn’t locked before closing it and walking the little ways down the hall to his door. You knocked on the door and just stood there quietly thinking of what to say. After a minute you gave the door one more knock before realizing no one was home. Thinking quickly you shuffled back to your apartment, setting the plate down and grabbing a small piece of paper to scribble a thank you on it and taping it to the tin foil. You walked back over to his door and set the plate down in front of it then headed back to your apartment.

You let out a big yawn and stretched standing from the couch, turning off the tv. You make yourself a drink, put on a record and return to the couch to lay down. You take a big sip of your whiskey and soda, let out a big sigh as the sounds of David Bowie comes through speakers, filling the room and making you smile. You sink completely into the couch stretching out and completely relaxing. You sit up thinking you heard a faint knock at the door, pausing for a minute. You didn’t hear it again so you laid back down,!only to hear it again louder this time. You got up and walked to the door unlocking it but leaving the chain lock intact for it to only to open a crack. You peak out to see your neighbor leaning against your door fame, “Hi” He says waving your empty plate up for you to see.

“Oh! Hi hold on” you say surprised. Closing the door and opening the chain lock to open the door fully.

“Did you make this stuff for me?” He asks holding up the plate and the container that held the cookies his voice had a smooth deepness to it.

You smiled reaching up to take them from him. “I did, I wanted to say thank you for helping me the other night and figured it was the least i could do”

“That wasn’t nessecary, but thank you it was good”

You offer him a warm smile while taking the dishes.

“Im Javier…Javier Peña”

“Nice you meet you, I’m (Y/N)” you reach out your hand to shake his, he returns the smile and shakes your hand.

“I was coming over to see if you’d to come over and have a drink?”

You’re surprised by his offer and conflicted as to how to respond. He picks up on your hesitation but doesn’t let on that he does.

“Sure, I’d like that actually”

You return your gaze to him with a smile. “Just let me grab my keys and turn off my record player. Come in if you’d like, it’ll only take a minute.” He nods and follows you into your apartment. Letting the door close behind you two. “Sorry it’s a little messy it’s been along week” you say as your walking away from him towards your bedroom, he stops at your living room as you keep walking, enjoying the music and looking around at pictures on your wall.

You return with your keys and a sweatshirt and put them on your counter. He turns to you when he hears you enter the room again. “You like Bowie?” He says motioning yo the record player. As soon as he says it he thinks to himself what a stupid fucking question Javier. taking the record off the turntable and returning it back to its jacket you smile and nod looking at him “I do, he’s one of my favorites”

“Mine too” he reply’s holding your gaze.

He was in complete awe of you. He couldn’t take his eyes away from you, the way the dim light shinned on your face highlighting your smile and soft hazel eyes sent his head spinning. He had butterfly’s in his stomach, something that he had never felt with anyone before, and this scared him to his core. He broke your gaze walking past in to the kitchen….”ready to go” he says quickly hoping you didn’t pick up on his mood change. Really hoping you didn’t realize in that moment that you completely turned his world upside down.

You grab your sweatshirt and keys following behind him. He sees the sweatshirt in your arms as you’re locking the door. Rubbing the back of his neck he nervously gestures to it and says “you know I meant having drinks at my place not out right?”

“Yea I know, I just get cold easily sometimes so I figured I’d come prepared” you say with a small chuckle in your voice.

He makes a mental not of this comment, wanting to remember every detail he can about you incase you decided you like spending time with him.

He opens the door to his place for you and you both step in, him locking the door behind you both. His apartment is layed out about the same as yours and roughly the same size.

“ Make yourself comfortable I gonna change and I’ll grab us drinks”

You make yourself comfortable on the couch scanning around at the stuff in his living room, he didn’t have much on the way of pictures or anything about his life around. He has stacks of folders with papers filling them and empty glasses and a half full ash tray on his coffee table. A Tv and a VCR on a stand In front of the couch but not much else. He returns a moment later with two drinks in his hand and sits on the other side of the couch.

“You’re American I’m guessing?”

“I am”

“What are you doing down here?

“Oh, I work on the cleaning crew at the Embassy”

“You do? How come I’ve never seen you there before?” His tone sounds like he’s interrogating you.

“I usually keep to myself, I mostly clean of offices and conference rooms stuff like that after people are done with them. I’m also in charge of the supply rooms and make sure our team have the supplies we need. I mostly like to go unnoticed…so I don’t do the group cleaning jobs that the others do” you say looking down at your drink.

Changing the subject quickly you ask “are you American as well? do you work there too?”

“Not really but sort of, my team comes there sometimes for conferences, meetings and to use the file rooms to get more files and return ones we’ve taken”

“And yeah I’m American, my parents are both from South America. But I was born and raised in Texas. You never did say where you were from” he says raising a eyebrow

You chuckle” you know you sound like you’re interrogating me”

He chuckles and shrugs “well you don’t seem to mind because you keep talking to me”

“I guess one could say that” you say smiling looking up from you glass to realize he was looking at you intensely with his soft brown eyes. He notices you blush and looks away quickly.

“Most recently I’m from Boston” you say answering his question.

“Most recently?”he say puzzled by your answer.

You don’t want to elaborate but you realize your answer sounds sketchy.

“ I’ve moved around a lot the last couple years, trying to find somewhere that felt….that felt comforting I guess.”

“I-I’ve been through a-a lot” your voice shakes a little and you start to panic that you’re getting into a conversation you don’t want to have. He doesn’t let on that he notices but he does.

“But I moved out there with my best friend a little over a year ago, we share a place.”

“So what is it you do down here, I don’t believe you mentioned that”

“Oh look who’s interrogating who now” he chuckles smiling at you.

“Well you don’t seem to mind since you haven’t asked me to leave yet” you reply sarcastically smiling.

“Nah I guess your company isn’t terrible”he said smirking at you.

“Refill on your drink?” he asks, motioning to your glass as he stands

“Sure” you smile warmly as you meet his gaze as he reaches for your glass.

“Oh do you work with that Tall skinny blonde guy that’s at the embassy sometimes?”

We returns from the kitchen with the drinks. Puzzled he reply’s “you know Steve?”

“No not really” motioning to his badge on the coffee table. “I just recognized that you guys have the same kind of badges. He talks to me sometimes at the embassy, he’s come into the file room while I’m cleaning it before, usually makes small talk telling me about his wife. He seems nice.”

“Yea Steve is a good guy and a good partner. Glad to hear he’s nice to you, we’re both DEA Agents investigating Escobar.”

You sit up stretching your back with your arms over your head when your sleeve moves slightly and he notices the bruises on you’re upper arm. He reaches over and softly caresses the bruises catching you off guard.

“Are these from the situation the other night?”

You pull your arms down covering the bruises with your hand looking down into your glass of whiskey.

“Yes… they are, but they’re not from you pulling me away from him, they are from him grabbing me when you come out of your apartment.”

Silence filled the room for a moment.

“Y-You know you didn’t hurt me that night, I’m very thankful that you stepped in and pretty much saved me.”

“So what happened that night, is that guy your boyfriend?”

“He was a complete stranger, he was following me around the market down the street and insisted on carrying my bags for me because I was walking. He forced the bags out of my hands. I was really anxious and terrified so I went along with it because it was getting dark. When we reached the building he forced himself in the entry way. So I started acting like I couldn’t find my apartment keys as we were walking down the hall and that’s when he got really angry and grabbed me. I tried to pull away from him and that’s when I knocked into your door.”

“I hope I didn’t scare you more when I drew my gun on him.” He says staring down into his whiskey. “That’s the last thing I wanted do”

You reach over putting you hand on his shoulder, when you do he pulls his gaze up meet your. You had to admit there was something soothing about looking into his deep brown kind eyes.

“You didn’t scare me, in that moment I knew I was safe… or atleast I felt safe. I wasn’t scared of you at all.” You said giving him comforting smile. He puts his hand over yours for a moments giving it a squeeze.

You notice the time, it’s just past 12 am. You realize you’ve been here for hours. You stand up to stretch and yawn.

“ I should go, it’s getting late and I wouldn’t want to over stay my welcome.”

He stands and follows you into the kitchen as you put your glass in the sink.

“You’re welcome to stay over if you’d like”

Your both surprised by the offer. You feel your face heating up, you can feel your cheeks turning red and turn your gaze to the floor. Your showing a shyness that you hadn’t shown yet.

“T-Thank you for the offer but…but I can’t” your desire to stay and your need to throw up emotional walls competing.

“I’m im sor…” he cuts you off before you can finish. He places his large hand on your arm.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me and I’m sorry if I freaked you out.”

He pauses for a moment lightly rubbing his thumb pack and forth on your arm.

“ I would stay on the couch and give you the bed.”

In the moment you understand that he’s not trying to push you into sleeping with him. You give him a warm smile letting him know you understand what he means.

He would never admit it but he really enjoyed your company. Your nature was similar to his, you made him want to let his guard down and have a real conversation and and connection with someone. This was something he’s never experienced with anyone and that scared him. He Invited you to stay because he wanted to spend every moment he could in your presence because he was preparing himself for the strong possibility that you wouldn’t want to hang out again.

“Could I atleast walk you to your door?”

“Sure” you said trying to hid your huge smile.

“Thank you for the drinks, I had a nice time and it was nice to actually meet you outside of the circumstances of the other night”

“It was my pleasure” he said with the warmest smile. His striking deep brown eye locked on yours.

“ I know your work is busy and I image you don’t have a ton of free time but if you ever find yourself wanting some company you know where to find me.” You say turning to unlock your door and open it. You can’t see it but he has a huge smile on his face.

You turn back as your walking through your door.

“You know you don’t have to be afraid to smoke in front of me, I know you’ve wanted one all night, what do I look like some kind of prude?” You say chuckling and smiling at your joke he smiles and laughs back.

[apoptoses]

Pairing: Armand/Daniel

Opener: "Has anyone ever told you that your feet are a rather remarkable size, Daniel?"

"Has anyone ever told you that your feet are a rather remarkable size, Daniel?"

Daniel tipped his blond head back against the edge of the bath and laughed.

Armand perched at the other end, sleeves rolled up to keep the cuffs dry as he massaged soap into the sole of Daniel's foot. It had started with him finding Daniel's manicure kit while he'd been soaking in the tub. He'd pushed back Daniel's cuticles one by one and trimmed the nails on his hands and then, seemingly unsatisfied at being finished with the task, moved on to his feet.

Truth being told, being washed and groomed like this made Daniel feel like a pet. Like Armand's prize show dog being prepared for display- though what tricks Daniel had to do tonight to earn his treat remained to be seen.

He let himself sink deeper into the warm, soapy water. He curled his toes when Armand ran his thumb up the tender inside of his arch.

"No, you're the first one since my mom. She always used to bitch about finding me new shoes," he said. "When I was a kid I grew out of them before they were even broken in. Why do you ask?"

Armand cocked his head, auburn hair falling into his face. He had that look on his face- the cool, appraising expression he wore whenever he had an idea for something to subject Daniel to. Daniel recognized it by the set of his mouth, the slightest furrow of his brow. Armand took his foot and held it there, sole pressed to his palm like he was evaluating it.

God, what's he gonna do to me now?

Daniel swallowed thickly. Beneath the water his heart began to race.

"Did you dance, Daniel?" Armand asked as he examined the tendons on the top of his foot.

He ran his cold fingers up them, following the bridge from his knuckles, up over the top of his foot to his ankle. And then back down again, nails dragging just lightly enough over his skin to make Daniel shiver.

"Yeah. My sister took ballet when I was little and I was upset at being left out. So I cried until my mom put me in the classes too," Daniel said, voice wavering when Armand guided him to point his toes. "It took a couple years for my dad to find out- he was always at work. When he did he pulled me out. He said he wouldn't raise a sissy."

Armand narrowed his eyes. He cupped Daniel's heel in one hand and flexed his foot on the opposite direction, exposing the sensitive sole to his gaze.

All he was doing was looking and yet Daniel's heart had climbed up into his throat. There was a goal here, an endgame Armand had thought up the moment he'd come into the bathroom. He just couldn't figure out what it was.

Daniel's fingers curled on his stomach beneath the water. When Armand drew his nail up the length of his arch he bit back a gasp.

"You have exceptional flexibility. Dance, when learned at a young age, reshapes the foot. It makes the arch higher, the bridge more curved," Armand murmured. "Your mother forever altered you by putting you into those classes, without even knowing it."

Daniel had something to say that. A smart response on the tip of his tongue, about how Armand should give him the blood and alter him as well, but then-

Armand licked a cold path right over the inside of his arch. The words were snatched from Daniel's throat, replaced by a poorly suppressed groan. Water splashed onto the floor as his hand flew up to grip the edge of the tub.

He wasn't ignorant. He knew about guys into feet, the stuff they did. Personally he'd never gotten the appeal but now, as Armand's fangs grazed the tender edge of his foot and sent sparks shooting under his skin, right up into his groin-

Daniel got it, alright.

His knuckles had gone pale where he was clutching at the rim of the tub. Armand nipped at the ball of his foot and arched a brow when his leg jerked.

"Are you alright, Daniel? Something seems to be troubling you," Armand said.

Daniel dragged a wet hand over his face. His cheeks were so hot he imagined he could feel the heat of them on his own palm. "Oh, fuck off, you know what you're doing," he groaned.

"It's natural for your body to respond. The foot is a well known erogenous zone," Armand said placidly as he kissed along his sole. "Some rather important veins end in the foot as well."

"Do you just sit around and think of weird shit that might turn me on? Is that what you do before you fall asleep?"

Daniel's voice wavered as he fought to get the words out. Armand kept grazing him with his fangs wherever he kissed. Along his instep, the ball of his foot. The thin and sensitive skin across the top, right where he was all tendon and bone. Every time Armand's mouth came down he braced for the bite, and every time Armand left him squirming and wanting; the only thing making contact with his flesh his unnaturally cold tongue.

There was the urge to squirm around but Armand's hand on his ankle was like a vice. There was no pushing into the sensation, no jerking away from it. Just the maddeningly slow progression of Armand tracing the shape of his ankle with his fang. The sharp drag of them sent a shiver up his leg.

Daniel's hand drifted beneath the water. Found its way over his stomach, down and down and then stopped just short of curling his fingers around himself, where he hoped Armand wouldn't notice it.

"Why are you hesitant to admit you enjoy this, Daniel?" Armand murmured, breath cool on his wet skin.

"I don't know. It's foot stuff," Daniel said, toes curling when Armand nipped at his instep again, not hard enough to pierce. Just another tease. "It's strange."

It's strange that I enjoy every part of you?

Armand's voice, like an electric tingle in his brain. Daniel bit his lip at the inhuman sound of it. He wrenched his hand off his thigh and gave in.

Water lapped at the rim of the tub with the movement of his hand. Daniel's instincts screamed at him to close his eyes, pretend Armand wasn't there and looking right at him. But he couldn't stop watching his pale lips moving over his foot, the flash of his dead tongue whenever he opened his mouth to run it along some new and sensitive patch of skin. His stomach turned over at the sight of it, fluttering in his gut.

Embarrassing, how worked up he was over this. Daniel could feel it coiling at the base of his spine already, had a feeling he wasn't going to last. He kept catching glimpses of Armand's fangs whenever he bared his teeth and dragged them over the tendons on the top of foot, and sent him thrusting up into his own hand.

The anticipation was delicious. It was terrible, feeling Armand lick cold and wet over his skin and never know when he would bite down. If he would, or if he just wanted Daniel to get off on his newest perversion, to having the ball of his foot licked like-

"Ah, fuck!" Daniel cried out.

The pain of it was indescribable. He'd never felt Armand's fangs so acutely before, had never really noticed every millimeter of them as they pierced his skin and sunk into his flesh. But when Armand bit down on his instep Daniel couldn't help but moan at just how overwhelming it was. An ache that made his toes curl, made him slip down in the tub so far he was up to his eyes and couldn't breathe.

He spilled hard over his hand, into the rapidly cooling bath water. Trembled with the force of it and rose back out of the water with a wet, desperate gasp.

Armand's throat worked as he swallowed (blood, he's swallowing my blood, drinking from my foot- Daniel thought hysterically). When he pulled away his lips were flushed red.

His alabaster fingers trailed through the bath water. There had been bubbles on the surface but most of them had dispersed, leaving Daniel exposed to his gaze. Armand kissed the sole of his foot and then guided it back down into the bath.

"You've made a terrible mess of the water. I suppose I'll have to wash you again," he said, as if Daniel were a pet who'd gone out and gotten muddy and needed yet another bath. "And Daniel?"

Daniel tipped his head back and slipped down into the water again. "Huh?"

"Do you know what they say about men with large feet?"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "What?"

Armand scooted along the rim of the tub until he could lean over and hover right into his space, so that Daniel could see nothing but his auburn hair and his pale face. He licked his lips, slow and deliberate, as if copying the mortal gesture. Daniel swallowed thickly.

"They require terribly expensive shoes," Armand said, and laughed as he got splashed.

[cuips-not-cute]

Heya cuips! Long-time listener, first-time caller (not entirely true, I've left a comment of each brl chapter so far 😂)

blinking red light has permanently burned itself into my brain at this point, and I'm so keen for the next update! I, no joke, stare at the AO3 tab in my Chrome app like it's my husband who's currently at war.

Other than the GO fic that you have labelled as the main inspo, what inspired you to write brl and fanfiction as a whole?

Ps. Hope you're having a good day❤️

aww well hello!! you are such a sweetheart omg,, however i could not find a comment under this same username on ao3, what handle do you use on there? (and if you use the same one and i somehow missed you then i am so so sorry<3)

ahhh it really means a lot that you're excited about the next update, i'm sincerely hoping to post it within the next few days, but if i can't finish it by this sunday i'll put it up next weekend for sure!! it's at almost 12k now, super chunky.

hmm i think it really was just closed set that inspired it!! i remember being at work last july and daydreaming about the fic & thinking about how much i loved it when i suddenly realized, "hey wait a second, i could steddie-ify this" and i kinda let that idea simmer for a while (was still working on cyclical at that point and i am not the type of person who can write multiple wips at a time) before reaching out to @racketghost about potentially writing smth inspired by their fic!! and they of course were really lovely about it so i started the planning process which took FOREVER because i actually ended up rewriting ch1 several times,,, fun fact originally the plot was gonna be "eddie lies about making tapes with steve harrington to a gang of bullies in order to save his ass from getting beat, except now he feels bad about it and goes to steve to come clean, cue shenanigans when steve offers to actually make the tapes" but i reallyyy wasn't liking what that was doing to eddie's character, plus i couldn't figure out how to make it fit within the post s4 timeline i wanted to write it in because i am just a SUCKER for post canon fics. however it was a bee in my goddamn bonnet and i was GOING to figure out how to make it work because i really really wanted to write a steddie sex tape au inspired by one of my fav stories in the world, so through a hearty combination of bitching and moaning about it to my most incredible friend @lollaika, actually rewatching zack and miri, and generally pacing around the kitchen while the puzzle pieces slowly fell into place i finally figured out how i needed the plot to work and voilà, chapter one!!

as far as writing fic as a whole tho? i can't pinpoint one thing that got me into it, but i've always kinda been a writer, used to have a blue glittery notebook i carried around everywhere as an elementary schooler for that exact reason, and that love for stories has just stuck ever since!! and then getting into fandom opened my eyes to a whole new world of writing that i gotta say i like a whole lot. like so much. you people are the fucking greatest❤️❤️

[starsfic]

mk and Mei have to petsit gaunyin's fish

Anon: mk and Mei are put in charge of watching Guan yin's fish chaos insues

"Thanks for doing this, Languar."

"It's no trouble at all, Wukong."

The palace of the retired zodiacs had to be the prettiest part of the Celestial Realm. At least, in Sun Wukong’s opinion. Soft marble opened to a forever view of the stars above, with gently flowing curtains and soft couches. It was unlike the rest of the realm, where there was no forced serenity. Instead, you could just be.

Unless you were doing what Wukong was doing and watching the former monkey zodiac scratch a question into a piece of bone. A fire roared between them, waiting for Languar to throw the bone in.

“So, you want to see if this year is peaceful,” Languar repeated.

“Yeah. I just wanna double-check since Qi Xiaotian needs the break.” Wukong leaned back with a sigh. As much as the kid tried to hide it, even with their whole “trying their best to be honest with each other’ policy, he knew he was wound up by Lady Bone Bitch (a nickname created by Long Xiaojiao that never failed to make him laugh). So, what was the harm in just making sure?

The faint scratching noises stopped. “Isn’t he petsitting Guanyin’s goldfish for you?” Languar cocked his head. “I wouldn’t exactly call that a break.”

“Please,” Wukong chuckled. “Ever since they got him calmed down from eating kids, he’s been a breeze.” Until today when the request had come out of the blue. Wukong already had this visit planned but Xiaotian had happily agreed to petsit. “Is the bone ready?”

Languar nodded. “Now, remember how this works?”

“You throw it in, it cracks, you interpret.” Wukong sighed. “I’ve seen you do this before. Go ahead.”

The white and black monkey nodded before tossing the bone into the fire. The moment it did, the fire whooshed up and Wukong leaned back, feeling his face ache. (So maybe he wasn’t being honest about all his injuries. Sue him.) Languar stayed in place, hands folded.

The room seemed to get a little darker, centering around the flames and them. The bone gleamed inside the fire. Slowly, it began to tremble. Wukong’s breath hitched as a quiet pop echoed out. The bone had begun to crack-

“MONKEY KING!”

And Qi Xiaotian, gleaming with astral projection, stared at him with wide eyes. Wukong yelped. “Wha- Hey bud!” Languar raised a brow and Wukong gestured to his eyes. The other monkey nodded. “How’s the fish?”

“Well, uh…it kinda…escaped? And took over the Weather Station?” Xiaotian glanced over his shoulder. “And now he’s demanding kids or else he’s gonna kill everyone and me and Xiaojiao need backup!”

Ah, shit.

“Okay, kid,” Wukong stood. “I’ll be there in a hot minute.”

“What about the bone!” Languar yelped, jumping to his feet. “It’s almost finished cracking.”

“I can come on by and get the results later!” Wukong somersaulted and grinned upon feeling the soft surface of his cloud. “The kids need me!” And off he zoomed, away from the peace and serenity.

Languar, left behind, glanced at the fire and winced. The bone was a mess of cracks now. The fire was preparing to die down and soon he could-

CRACK

The former monkey zodiac yelped and dove, taking cover from the flying bone shards. He looked up when the sudden storm came to an end. The fire died down with a hiss, its job done, leaving it’s master gaping at the mess of bone everywhere.

“...I’m pretty sure that’s not a good omen.”

[sweet-lost-husbands]

Caged - Chapter 1 - Medical whump - Whumper turned Caretaker - Omegaverse - Supernatural

Alright, we made it! So this is already posted on ao3 and its still continuing, I'm just writing each chap as I go so any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

{ Synopsis: Dean is sick and not like any omega the world has ever come across but Cas is willing to try and save his life. Only one problem: Dean is feisty and refuses to be helped, each treatment is torture. He fights and runs every chance he gets, hurting himself in the process. (:

Basically, Dean being sick and injured and Cas caring for him. Not consensually tho. Essentially just 'Forced Care'.} 

warnings: See masterlist for each chap warnings

Chap specific warnings: Forceful kidnapping, Non-consensual administration of drugs. Restraints. Needles.

Everything hurt.

Agony was all he knew.

It had been for a while now.

It felt as though his very insides were trying to twist their way through his flesh. Violent ripping sensations that spread to his entire body.

Often, he wondered if plunging a knife in there would dappen it somehow… If anything in this world could make it ease just for a moment.

He had long since got used to covering it up, even now, Dean faked a smile and continued to sip his coffee. It was one of his all-time favorite brands, a little more expensive than he could afford but worth it, nonetheless.

“I’m not lonely,” he said quietly, sitting at their dining table. Usually, he wouldn’t worry about Sam catching onto his pain, but today something was different.

“Yeah, I know.” Sam placed a plate of bacon in front of Dean and then took a seat himself. “It’s just that we haven’t seen Dad in weeks because of business, and I have late shifts in the hospital. None of us are ever really home except you. It’s not like you have a mate or… an alpha, despite your intense heats. The last one almost killed you.”

“No, it didn’t.” Dean shot back.

Sam gave him one of his many bitch faces. “Yes! It did. I was out working, and you told nobody how bad it was. I found you on the floor, writhing like you needed to get out of your skin yet nearly unconscious from the pain, with a fever that way surpassed the normal temp. Your lucky my friend Cas who is a head doctor at an omega stabilization facility had come home with me for drinks that night or you would have been toast.”

Dean brought a piece up to his mouth, ignoring what Sam had just said and savoring the smell before taking a bite. A stray drizzle of grease rushed down from the corner of his mouth. He quickly swallowed the bacon with another mouthful of coffee.

He turned his gaze back to his brother. Something wasn’t right.

“Sam? I thought you told me that you have morning shifts all week?”

“Uh, I do.”

Dean completely abandoned his food, narrowing his eyes on him. He swore he could see tears brimming in Sam’s eyes. Why was he sad?

The silence nudged Sam to continue.

“I took a day off. I need to be here for this.” The last part was barely a whisper. He waved it off. “Just eat your food Dean.”

Dean wasn’t one to let a plate of bacon get cold, so he started back at it. Each piece warmed his insides and made him feel cozy. God, he could live like this forever… he had everything he ever wanted. Sam, Baby, bacon, an actually decent apartment instead of a crappy hotel and hella good coffee—the essentials.

Across from him, Sam kept picking at his rabbit food, playing with it more than eating. It wasn’t like him, but it wasn’t unusual either. The thing that was unexpected though, were the sad smiles that kept flicking on his face every time he looked at Dean.

What the hell was going on? Did he accidentally scratch baby or something?

They finished up and Sam began to put away the plates. “I found something the other day. You know, I think you’d want to see this, Dean.”

“Sure.”

Sam returned, fiddling with his pocket before fishing out a picture and tossing it in Dean’s direction. He made sure he captured the smile that crossed Dean’s face.

He picked it up so carefully in his hands, running his eyes over every pixel with a sad fondness. “Me, you and Mum, at the beach... Your just a baby here.”

“Yeah..." Sam chuckled. "I was pretty small. I don't remember that day but Mom looks so happy in that one.”

Dean nodded in agreement, staring at the image for a while longer. He needed pictures like these… He remembered her vividly but sometimes he couldn’t figure out how certain features looked, her nose, her eyes, her smile, they got distorted in his head from time to time. It was a sweet image really, Mary holding little Sammy in her arms while Dean played in the waves just behind her. She held a smile that was so impossibly bright, it made Dean crumble as he looked. In fact, he was so focused on the image that he almost missed Sam checking his phone and his brother's face saddening further.

“Talk to me.” He comforted.

Before anything managed to leave Sam’s lips, he stood up from his seat and wandered over to Dean, pulling him in for a tight embrace.

They didn’t usually hug.

Sam’s voice was patchy as he spoke. “I’m so sorry, I hope that someday you’ll thank us.”

Dean shoved him off and levelled with him. His tone dropping lower and harsher than intended. “Cut the crap Sam, what’s going on?”

Just at that moment, the doorbell rang, and Sam jumped away, hiding his face from Dean. The room fell sickly silent, and yet it was so loud that it seemed to echo and bounce off the walls, only interrupted by the fleet of footsteps making their way in.

The first thing Dean noticed were the two bulky men dressed in white scrubs and how their faces resembled empathy but also a unique sternness. The next thing that drew his attention was a guy in a suit and trench coat, rather than the usual hospital attire. His eyebrows were creased at just the right angle to scream nothing but unyielding concern.

A foreign part of Dean found his presence slightly comforting but the rest cowered.

He knew what this meant. Where they came from.

He stood, his fists clenched at his sides and a burning feeling of rage bubbled up. He tried to hide it as best he could, but clearly not enough as the orderlies exchanged a glance.

The guy in the trench coat extended his hand. “My name is Dr Castiel Novak but you can call me Cas, it’s nice to formally meet you Dean.”

No, no no no nonono.

“Yeah, well forgive me if I don’t feel the same way.”

He could already see this playing out in his head, and he was NOT going to go. He wouldn’t allow himself to become some vegetable rotting in the Omega stabilization facility for all eternity.

This was exactly what Dad was trying to protect him from. Why he wasn’t allowed to be an omega in the first place.

He knew what happened to omegas in these facilities, how their autonomy was stolen away like a thief in the night, followed by gradual dehumanising treatments designed to get you to yield or break… but perhaps by the time you’d yield, you were already broken. Some part of you forever gone and unrecoverable. That was not the type of life he wanted.

He took a step back.

The bitch had the audacity to take a step closer, cocking his head to the side, acknowledging Dean’s distress, making it almost irresistible not to find a sense of trust in him, even if just from his eyes alone.

His voice was gravely but gentle, “I understand that you've been struggling lately, and we are worried about your well-being and physical health. The higher ups in Omega Care have reviewed your case and there is a warrant out for your stabilization. For your own safety, it has been declared that it would be best for you to receive care in a special omega trained facility.”

Dean took a few more steps backwards until his back pressed up against the wall. Fuck<.i>. He was cornered. His body betrayed him as it began to shake.

He could do it; he couldn’t go there.

His life would be ruined.

Before he had a chance to control his mouth, words shot out. “No! you can’t do that!”

“I’m afraid we can.” He neared again; it was suffocating. Suddenly the whole world was closing in on him. His hands waved around his chest in the universal language of not getting enough air.

Castiel took another step, but Dean screamed to stay away, flinging his arms about trying to control his breathing on his own. He was growing more desperate by the moment as everything sunk in.

“Sam?” He looked to his brother for help but was met with nothing. He was standing on the other side of the room, useless, tears flowing out of his eyes.

“I’m sorry Dean, but you need help.” He said in between wiping the water away. “I’ve seen how you refuse to be submissive even though it’s in your nature, how you refuse to get help during your heats, how dad forced you onto high dose suppressants at an early age and so now your body is all out of whack form being wrongly treated, this way you live, its unsustainable. It will kill you.”

“That- I can explain that, please don’t do this.” He could hear the blood pumping in his ears, he would have hit Sam had there not been orderlies in the room who would use it as another thing to lock him away for—to fix.

Dr. Novak held his hands out in front of him, the palms of his hands facing up, an open gesture to show that he had no ulterior motive. “I know this feels unfair, Dean, but we genuinely believe this is the best course of action for you. With proper care and treatment, you can find the stability you deserve.”

“How dare you.” He hissed towards Sam. He wanted to smash something—to just get away.

“Calm down.” One of the orderlies spoke with authority laced in his voice, trying to maintain a safe environment.

Dr. Novak held eye contact with him, his posture calm and collected like he wasn’t repelled by his anguish. “It’s understandable that you’re feeling betrayal at this time. but we’re here to help you, not punish you. Deep breaths okay, just like me.” He started to imitate the breaths as an example, hoping Dean would follow.

“Go fuck yourself.” Dean cried, pressing his back into the wall, wishing he would just sink into it.

But the Doctor continued, “We get that this is hard to accept but we have your best interests at heart. The facility can provide the specialized care and support you need.”

He had to get out of here. Now.

Dean's eyes darted around the room, searching for an escape route. His heart thundered in his chest, and a sense of urgency welled up inside him. He couldn’t go there, he needed freedom. He’d do anything for freedom.

The two orderlies, strong and composed, stood nearby, their eyes trained on Dean, prepared for any sudden movements.

Dr. Novak’s expression softened, but his resolve remained firm.

“Dean, just come with us, okay? Let us help you.”

“I will never let you help me!”

His head spun, nothing seemed reasonable anymore except for escape. It was his only option.

When their dad got sloppy drunk and left them for weeks on end to fend for themselves after their mother’s death, Dean had stayed because he had to. Sam still needed him. But now, nothing was keeping him here.

He lunged forward, but the orderlies reacted swiftly, grabbing hold of his arms to prevent him. He used every ounce of energy he had to struggle against their grip, his eyes wild with desperation.

“Easy, easy.” One of them grunted.

“Let me go! Pleaseee.”

The orderlies overpowered him, restraining him with gentle but firm strength and eventually his resistance wavered.

He wasn’t strong enough…. Well, that’s what they thought.

“We don’t want to hurt you, Dean, but we can’t allow you to endanger yourself. It’s for your own safety.

“You don't understand... nobody does. I just want to continue living my life.”

Sam spoke up from the back. “Don’t fight them Dean, it makes this harder on all of us.”

How dare he! How fucking dare he!

Dean knew what he was going to do when the time presented itself. So, he took one last glance at their house —at baby —at Sam, focused on the taste of bacon and coffee that still lingered on his tongue, so no matter how long he would be there for, he would remember all the things he loved.

Dr. Novak approached him with empathy, his voice filled with understanding. He took one of his hands and squeezed it, letting him know that he was not alone.

“It's not forever, just a step towards finding the freedom you're searching for.”

There was his opportunity. In a heartbeat, he shifted his weight and flung his elbow straight at Dr. Novak’s face. A small cry escaped the doctor's lips as he staggered backward. Dean turned, dodging the orderlies quick attempt to control him. They were trained —but he was trained better. He’d been taught to fight since the day he was born. His father had made sure of that.

He quickly gained leverage and punched one in the face then kicked the other in the stomach to release his arm. He didn’t need to think before he pelted for the door. Strong forceful hands found their way around his waist and jolted him away. Sam was holding him and goddamnit that kid refused to let go.

“Sam!” Dean screamed breathlessly. “If you don’t fricken let go, I’m gonna —”

His pants and struggles outweighed his words. He was freakishly aware of the orderlies gathering themselves and approaching. He had to do something now, but Sam wouldn’t give.

“Please!” A breath, nothing was happening, “Sam, if you let them take me, I can never forgive this.”

The sting of something sharp being stabbed into his shoulder made him hiss and throw his weight in a last attempt to get away.

He was too late.

“Sammy, please.” He cried, aware of how his body started to unwillingly weaken. “Don’t—” He felt himself go limp in his brothers’ arms; a stray tear rolled down his cheek. “Don’t let them take me.”

Dr. Novak's remorseful face despite the blood that flowed down from his nose, was the last thing Deean saw before his eyes forced themselves shut.

~

When he edged on consciousness once more, he started to hear voices around him and feel the sensations around his body. Something was pressing against his waist then the length of his legs, a second later it was pulled away. A persistent beeping faded in and then some voices.

“Good.”

Oh god, he recognised that voice—Castiel. That son of a bitch. He wanted to wrap his hands around that doctor and squeeze. Hard.

Dean tuned into the conversation. Perhaps it could offer some information he could use as leverage.

“Run the measurements up to the manufacturing sector, tell them I don’t care about costs, I just need the equipment mentioned in my previous email. Tell them that it must be the perfect quality and I needed it yesterday!”

“Yes, of course, Cas. I have also put the rest of Mr Winchesters team on standby, they will come within moments notice if you press the button.”

“Thanks Gabe.”

Dean could hear a set of footsteps fade then stop. The screeching of a heavy door as it was opened and then shut once more, not failing to miss the dreadful sound of it locking. His body betrayed him, he could feel as panic set in. He was completely trapped and without escape.

He hated that the beeping from the machine beside him immediately increased, which drew Castiel’s attention.

“Dean?” He could tell by the way Castiel had said it, that it was filled with worry and a hint of dread. That only made Dean so much more furious. He didn’t want to be pitied, he didn’t want to be looked down upon, he just wanted to go home.

A what-was-supposed-to-be comforting hand came to rest on his shoulder. White hot anger boiled up in Dean so fast that he shot his eyes opened and lunged. Firm restraints restricted his actions and to his dismay, no matter how much he struggled they didn’t give.

No no no no!

Cas took a step back, calm as he fucking aways was, that prick. “Dean! Dean, stop!”

Some weird feeling hinted on the surface, something about his commanding voice made the words linger on the tip of his head. But it was only slight, barely even noticeable and Dean was able to power through it and keep struggling.

Needed freedom…At any cost… … can’t be here… not a weak omega made to be bred.

Cas was quick to fasten all the restraints so now he could barely move and then throw himself on top, trying to halt Dean’s desperate movements with his weight.

Again, the strange feeling pulsed, too small to truly understand it but enough for him to recognise that something was different. Perhaps Cas’s body was kind of warm against his.

“Dean.” Castiel said firmly.

His head shifted back. No no no no no.

He struggled.

He wouldn’t give in; his father would be furious. He was a solider, he wasn’t allowed to be weak—to submit.

Cas spoke with urgency, boarding on the edge of begging. “You must stop. We are trying to lean away from giving you any drugs, but we will if we have to. You understand we cannot let you hurt yourself.”

Dean could barely make out the words behind the thick layer of hatred he had for him—this place.

He almost wanted to cry at the sound of a small crowd rushing in. From the little that he could see whilst struggling, they all looked like headless chickens. Some—most, found their way over and began to help hold him down. He hated it.

Must get away must get away mustgetaway

“Cas!” One man yelled in a heavy English accent. “What do you need?”

“Stop Dean, please.” But the man underneath him, never wavered his defence. “Goddamnit. Alright Ketch give him the sedative.”

There was uncertainty in the other man’s voice. “But Sir…”

Cas cut in, “I fucking know, but we are out of options here.” He paused as Ketch began to administer the sedative. “And you.” He pointed to a red-haired woman currently holding Dean's forearm down. “Tell Gabe to hurry the fuck up, I don’t think he'll survive another dose.”

Was that worry in his voice? Did he generally care? Fuck him!

They all eased off as Dean became limp once more.

Originally Omega Care wanted them to stay at a facility but once it was seen that Dean was much worse than previously thought, they allowed Cas to treat him at his own house as long as it was properly accommodated to Dean’s needs.

The house itself was spacious, the walls were an off-cream colour except one which was a faded green. Most of the floor was empty bar a couple of medical cabinets, draws, chairs and the bed Dean was in currently. The rest was going to be filled up with new medical machines which were tailor made to Dean’s measurements.

There was a widow overlooking the estate with a nice garden and pool, that maybe one day Dean could have the luxury of going in and a meeting room off to the side.

There was a one big door on one wall which was the exit and a stream of smaller doors on another. The first and last were bathrooms while every other was a bedroom for Dean’s new team of professionals. Cas’s room was in the middle and the biggest since he owned the place. It would be a nice place to stabilize the omega boy. Nicer than some facility.

A taller member of the team which held a badge with the name ‘Benny’ on it, spoke up from the crowd. “Poor mate doesn’t realise how badly he’s hurt and that by struggling he’s just making it worse.”

The all seemed to mumble in agreement.

Cas moved away and then turned to address all of them. “Before you all came here, you got the briefing on the patient.” Their eyes wondered over to Dean unconscious, looking far to pale and vulnerable and then back to him.

“But now I shall give you the more accurate and updated status of the patient.” They all seemed to know what that meant, that he was worse than previously thought.

Regardless, Cas continued: “Dean Winchester, aged 32, male, submissive omega. His father John Winchester was arrested earlier today for neglecting and abusing Dean in his early childhood and then throughout his life. It is estimated that he gave Dean a heavy dose of suppressants from an early age, which completely wrecked his system. Then possibly a ton of other meds in order to hide the damage that he had caused. There's also suspected brainwash, where Dean doesn’t think of himself as an omega and is severely sacred and hating towards alphas. A lot of stuff remains unknown about his case and history, so there could be many complications.”

Their faces had all saddened.

“It was the hospital who reported him to Omega Care after an almost fatal heat. The overall damage that has occurred throughout his life makes him not able to: react to Alpha commands, drop, be submissive—and in most instances, it even causes him distress and fear… Either way, as a result of this, the internal and irreversible damage to his body along with the fact that he hasn’t received any neutralizing alpha pheromones to counteract his overactive omega ones, his hormone levels are declining rapidly. It suspected that with a dialogises like this, he won’t last for more than two weeks and it’s our job to change that.”

Cas took a breath, hardly believing what he was going to say next.

“Usually the omega hormone 'Omedicstrone,' sits between 72-100 in a normal omega, anything below 50 his considered dangerous, well Dean’s is at 15. Its by far the worse case ever recorded. If we can’t get Dean to fall into submission and soon, his body will start failing him. Omegas are designed to be submissive—some more than others and by not, it can cause extensive harm.”

“Poor sod.” One guy muttered.

“Now this won’t be easy—hell he doesn’t even respond to anything that usual omegas respond to, but we are here to try to help him. Every single one of you is an Alpha so that’s a start, we’re hoping that will begin to revert his mind back to his natural state and give us hopefully a small chance for his defences to weaken. Now what we are going to have to do to him, is not going to be pretty and there’s a high chance he’ll even hate us for it, so if anyone wants to leave then the door is behind you.”

Nobody left.

And so, it was sorted, these were the people who were going to try to save Dean Winchester.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2016 Tammy messaged me on Facebook to tell me she had a wonderful visit with Lisa who is leaving tomorrow. I took that as my cue to let her know why I had been hesitant to reach out to her. While it was definitely wrong of me to bash her in public, I didn’t like being accused of lying either. If she had any doubts or questions about anything, she should have asked me in a civilized manner. Meanwhile, I’m glad she sobered up and I realize she had a lot of problems back then. I’m also glad she and Tammy are getting along and I hope it stays that way, and that the cycle of family drama won’t be back later on down the road. I know I’m gone forever if it is.

Finished my Bowflex workout. It’s so nice to be able to add more and more weight the longer I continue to work out. I had to drop back some of the arm weights upon returning from vacation, but now I’m beyond where I was back then. Still don’t expect to lose weight as I’m not going to get any younger and my Hashimoto’s isn’t going away, but I’m definitely getting stronger.

Went out walking with Tom after work. The weather’s gorgeous… dry, sunny and 70s.

As is typical of me these days, my story was off to a good start. Got about 6 pages written containing about 1600 words, and I have already lost motivation to continue on with it. :(

Last night I beat the shit out of Jodi Arias in my dreams. Yeah, the bitch escaped from prison in Arizona and came up to NorCal where she had connections. She was hiding out at a friend’s place when someone called and tipped her off that the cops were onto her location. So she ran blindly, and when I was taking out the trash in the dream, there she was. I clearly recognized her from all the news footage I’d seen of her. She tried to push past me and into the house, but I threw every punch and kick I could as fast and as hard as I could while Tom called the police.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2016 Went to Goodwill earlier. I swear one could use them alone just to collect stuff! You just never know what goodies they’re going to have, and we hadn’t been there since before the trip. I got a gold figurine of a rat that’s fairly large and a small parrot figurine that goes perfectly with the larger one I got in Florida.

I also got an 18” vinyl doll with a nice face and well-sculpted hands. I replaced her drab outfit, but need to re-wig her or get her a hat or something. Her hair is totally trashed. Like someone grabbed a pair of scissors and started chopping in random spots.

So yesterday they spent hours tearing up the yard at the house that sold, and today the house across the street had a bunch of people over who appeared to be hauling away a couch and some other items. She’s a little too company-happy, but please don’t tell me she’s getting ready to move too! Really, why are so many houses going up for sale all of a sudden?

Haven’t seen Hazel in ages now. I’m guessing that if she’s still alive she’s been moved to a home somewhere. She was pretty out of it last I knew.

Anyway, I wonder what they’ll plant in place of what they removed? Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it. I wish they’d at least make quiet weekends mandatory. We hear enough shit during the week.

The good news is that I had a win-dream. Yes! I would always win something following a dream about winning back when I was last at it, though I wouldn’t usually win what I dreamed of winning. I just hope it’s a good sign! The first is right around the corner, the most likely time for your name to be drawn.

In the dream, I won a huge coffeemaker that could serve many people at once. I told Tom that if we didn’t get to take in the foster kids we were expecting to take in, we’d sell it, LOL. Never saw myself getting affidavits notarized or anything like that, but it’s a hopeful sign just the same.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2016 Here goes another neighbor/noise rant. I just need to vent! It’s been my experience that those that move in next to us usually start off fairly peaceful and respectful and then it’s like… we’re here! Now the newcomers aren’t doing anything even remotely “disrespectful,” but they sure are annoying. Today it was doing what I wish we could afford to do; having nearly every single plant torn out of their yard. I’m sure that tomorrow or the next day I’ll have to listen to whatever they plan to replace it with. It’d be nice if that was gravel and a few scattered bushes or trees, but with my luck, it’ll be grass so I have to hear them mowing every week. Mowers aren’t nearly as annoying as blowers, though.

Jackie pulled her SUV out of her carport so it wouldn’t get damaged along the way. She’s probably already sorry they moved in. They’ve definitely got money, whoever they are.

But what’s next, a new paint job? New roof? Just wondering when they’re going to settle down, not that it’ll matter much since someone else will just take over the landscaping/project frenzy.

At least I will always have my peaceful nights. The only annoyance in the evenings is across the street. As in across from the front. She has an unbelievable amount of company, half of which drive loud vehicles, and loves to slam doors while they’re coming and going.

The only sound I hear right now are those small planes that love to circle above every now and then. I can’t tell, though, if it’s the same plane circling around, or a series of planes crossing overhead.

Last night Andy drove me somewhere in my dreams and then Adonis did as well. Then I was doing something (a writing project?) and was thrilled at how it allowed me to recall a couple of things from the past I had forgotten about. One of those things may’ve been a dress I had years ago. I was psyched at the thought of all the hidden memories I might be able to uncover.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2016 Tammy and the girls went to my parents’ graves (even though they’re “absent”) and I’m like WTF? After acknowledging how horrible they were? It’s like they can’t make up their minds about them.

The mailman came to the door and had me sign for a brown envelope. But just as I was about to sign for it, I realized that while the address was correct, the name wasn’t. Knowing the woman on the corner is Jackie, I thought she might be the Jacques H it was addressed to, and had the mailman see if she knew anything about it. She didn’t. So I then signed for the package and opened it to find a bunch of blue pills in blistered packets. I figured they were either sex or diet pills. Aly suggested I Google the name (duh, why didn’t I think of that?), and yup, Aurogra is for those who can’t get it up.

I caught Bob and Virginia on their way out and asked if they knew the person, but they didn’t. So then I looked in the directory and found a Margaret H on Cayes Cove, just across from our street, and ran them over. The woman that lives there, however, said no one named Jacques lived there.

So somebody out there won’t be getting it on tonight since I’m stuck with the tools to make that possible. Maybe it’s a good thing I couldn’t find their rightful owner as they may’ve been rather embarrassed, LOL. The only problem is that I don’t know if returning them is an option due to the way they were packaged and they can’t legally resell them anyway. I can tell that they came from overseas but not what country. The writing is probably Thai, Indian or Urdu. So… no hard-on for Mr. H. Sorry!

A different old lady got out of a large red car that could almost pass for a mini SUV at the house that sold. She had long gray hair in a ponytail. I later saw the short-haired lady fetching the mail. Wouldn’t it be nice if lesbians moved in there? We couldn’t get that lucky, though. I’m sure the less-than-quiet man of the house will appear soon enough.

Right after I was saying how dead and quiet it was here yesterday, moving trucks showed up for about 2.5 hours, along with Miss Shorthair’s car and a couple of other vehicles from which I saw a younger woman unloading some stuff. The fact that they could afford to have all that remodeling done for a week or two, and then move in two moving trucks, each about 15 to 20 feet long, tells me they have money. And a lot of shit.

Yesterday Tom and I went for a walk around the park and it was just gorgeous. The weather and temperature were perfect. Sure was a lot of noise coming from outside the park, though… barking dogs, basketballs bouncing, etc.

Fitbit tried to tell me my HR reached 171 during that walk. No way. It probably got up to around 140 but more than likely it was 130 because I was only walking. I never ran at all. Tom couldn’t keep up with me if I did, LOL.

We grabbed a pink filter for my Keurig on Amazon for the cups that it won’t accept. I also grabbed another miniature animal for my collection… an Australian Shepherd. My white poodle should arrive today. Sometime I’ll make a list of all the pieces that are in my collection. There are a few fairies, but most of them are animals.

On the agenda for today, besides my online work, will be blogging, taking another Dutch lesson, and doing dishes and laundry.

Last night I dreamed that someone put a large snake in my bed to try to scare me, but it didn’t work. Not afraid of snakes.

Then I dreamed that I was part of a chorus somewhere. Everyone appeared to be in high school but me. As we were all singing while standing on these little bleachers, one woman known to be a bit of a bitch but that wasn’t the music teacher, was gazing at us through a pair of binoculars from a distance, though I’m not sure if we were indoors or outdoors.

I later saw her pull aside a small boyish-looking girl with very short dark hair and poopy brown eyes. This girl was very shy and insecure and not well-liked it all. She was about 16 but looked 10. The woman accused her of not singing but simply moving her lips instead. “You don’t even know the words, do you?” she asked the girl who shyly looked downward with a guilty expression. The woman demanded that she sing. When the girl remained quiet she said, “Why join a chorus if you’re just going to lip-sync?”

The girl then walked away and I overheard a woman tell the bitchy one that she probably didn’t have the voice to sing with or the mentality to learn and memorize the lyrics.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2016 Lisa is down in Florida now. Tammy posted a picture of the two of them at the beach. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should “like” it, comment, or just ignore it. I chose to just ignore it in the end. Without knowing how Lisa feels about me and whether or not she is anything like she was 5 years ago (she may be sober now yet may still have mental issues), I can’t possibly know if contacting her would be a good idea or not. Again, the last thing I want to do is reach out to her, have it backfire on me and get caught up in the family drama all over again. I will NOT play the ‘he said, she said’ bullshit game again! I swear if that ever EVER happens again I will be forever done with them. I just can’t go down that road again. Just like I would rather be friendless than have nothing but assholes for friends, I would rather not have anything to do with family than for us to be bickering all the time. Life isn’t worth it. I will always choose peace over problems.

She’s still not on Tammy’s friend list, but she is now on Sarah’s.

I love it when I read a follower’s blog that starts off saying, “I don’t have much to write about,” and then it ends up being 2500 words. I hate reading long entries. No patience. I just skim those or ignore them altogether.

A couple of cars were at the house that sold yesterday, but surprisingly it’s been incredibly quiet today and I haven’t seen anyone over there. The woman that I saw was maybe about 65. A younger woman in another car was also there. I’m guessing that was the daughter helping out.

It’s a gorgeous day out today and I’m looking forward to going out for a walk with Tom after he gets home from work. I worked out on the Bowflex earlier. I do that every other day.

Last night I dreamed I passed by Bob and Virginia on my way to get the mail. They were eating steaks and Bob offered me a few bites. I accepted and found it to be the best steak I’d ever tasted. He said he got a gun and I looked at him all confused. Then he said he killed the cow from which the meat came because he was tired of all the tough meat in the grocery stores, LOL.

Later…

Sure enough, the peace ended at 2:30. Worried there’s going to be activity well into the evening at the house that sold. Two large moving vehicles showed up at around 2:30, making me think there are a lot of people moving in since it is a 3-bedroom. My biggest concern is how much company they’ll have and if they’ll use the garage for the wrong reasons. The garage abuse is my biggest fear. Really, I wish these people would use their garages for what they were intended for!

Mutts shouldn’t be an issue unless it’s left to bark out open doors and windows. That could only be on the side facing Jackie in the corner house. This would make it more likely to be heard mostly in the laundry room, but I’m not really worried about that. I just want all the traffic to die down already and for the garage to be used to park vehicles and store stuff, not some little workshop.

As I learned the hard way, age doesn’t matter. Anybody can be noisy if they’re physically able to create the noise. It would be wonderful if a bunch of couch potatoes were moving in, but I know better than to hope for that. I’m not stupid. Years of a pattern that I question is coincidental or not, tells me what I’m in for. It’s one of the few things that makes me question the possibility of a god. Just how normal is this? Do people really happen to get noisy neighbors that often? It’s too soon to jump the gun and call them noisy for sure, but if they’re like what I usually get next to me or at least within close vicinity of me, they’re going to be noisy. If not with the garage then maybe lots of traffic, but that garage has got to be way too enticing, especially since it’s climate-controlled.

What I don’t get is those who say that God works in mysterious ways. Let’s say there is one even though we can never know for sure. Well, you can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better to justify the unfairness and the atrocities of the world, but where is the mystery, for example, in what my mother did? She abused me. There’s no “mystery” in that.

I still worry at times and think, what if there is a God and my turning against it is only making it hate me more and setting me up for a really shitty afterlife if there is such a thing as that, too? But I can’t live that way. I’m not going to kiss a god’s ass that may not exist. I’m only going to be myself, and if that lands me in an eternal pit of fire, so be it. But yes, that’s a fear of mine and I do realize that anything is possible. Anything. If there is an afterlife, it could be a million times worse than my worst of times here. But I know I shouldn’t worry or assume what I don’t know for sure and that I should just be myself.

If there is a god, I don’t like him. I don’t like him for what he has allowed to be done to me and I don’t like him for what he has allowed to be done the countless others in the world. I could go through life pretending otherwise for no reason at all, or I could just be myself and allow myself to feel what I feel. After all, if there was a god and he was so against us having any ill feelings toward him, then he could have created us not to be able to feel those feelings. Correct?

Meanwhile, there is no “mystery” in things. We may not know why they happen, but I don’t see the mystery, for example, in what the sickos in Arizona did to me. The only mystery is why any possible god allowed it to be done to me. To say he works in mysterious ways sounds like a lame excuse to excuse his cruelty in his unfairness. I know what happened to me. There’s absolutely no mystery there at all.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2016 Noticed a new sleep low for my HR last night when I logged into my Fitbit account. It hit down at 65. My typical sleep HR seems to be 68 to 73. My resting HR when I’m awake is 85 to 95. Working out can range from 120 to 140.

Where I’m leaning toward tachycardia, Tom is leaning toward bradycardia. He’s gotten down as low as 45 in his sleep and the 80s is considered “booming” for him.

Our research shows that neither one of us is in danger. He has no symptoms, although my rapid pulse can be uncomfortable at times, sprinkled with a little terror when you give me too much thyroid hormone. As much as I would love to have those perfect numbers, a perfect thyroid score for me means I could hit 130 just sitting on my ass. No fun feeling like you’re having a heart attack.

A few days ago I started retaining water as if my period was right around the corner, even though it’s not due until the 15th. I asked Tammy if that, along with my last period being late and short-lived was consistent with perimenopause and she said yes. I owe her a translation if she finds a mysterious letter somewhere in one of my languages in exchange for the medical advice, LOL.

I went out walking earlier and chatted with Bob who is trimming by the back corner. Kudos to him for having the guts to work with the bees and spiders that are coming to life a little too fast. He thanked me for the wind chime and asked about the cruise.

He didn’t know anything more than I know about the house that sold, but what I do know is that they’re annoying me with their remodeling racket. I just hope it’s not the owners doing the remodeling. Really, why can’t we just get an indoorsy old couple? People speak of too many couch potatoes in the world as part of what’s leading to the national obesity crisis. Send them here! I want all the potatoes… Couch potatoes, chair potatoes, lounge potatoes, rocking chair potatoes… I want ‘em all. Instead, I keep getting neighbors who are anything but lazy and who love the outdoors as much as I love chocolate. Then again, four of the houses in my immediate surroundings haven’t been a problem at all.

The dream people tried to blow me up last night. Yeah, in Dreamland I was held hostage in a large elevator somewhere with about a dozen other people. They threatened to bomb us if we dared leave the elevator, but as soon as the doors popped open I ran scared. Someone cried out my name in fear and desperation, but instead of looking behind me or turning back, I ran even faster in case they made good on their threats. Sure enough, I heard a loud explosion behind me. Amazingly, though, no one was hurt.

Later…

Just grabbed the mail and said hello to both Bob and Virginia who are sitting out in front of their place reading papers. It’s beautiful out now and I have the doors and bedroom window open.

Every now and then curiosity draws me to Doc C’s page to see what interesting travel photos she may’ve posted and what she’s looking like these days. So I did just that last night and found she’d changed her name to Lara S. Lara S? LOL. Lara’s her middle name, but S? Also, her account is now almost all private. Hmm… has somebody been getting their stalk on? Someone must’ve pestered her for her to literally change her account to a fake name and hide her shit.

I’m tempted to send her the rest of the story I didn’t finish sending her just to see if she blocks me or not. I mean, it might answer my question as to whether or not she got my messages. She might’ve gotten them but never noticed them in her ‘other’ box if they landed there. Hard to believe one as smart and as observant as a doctor would miss that, but hell, I had to be the one to figure out that the root of my anxiety was/is perimenopause. So maybe sending a few chapters at a time will tell me for she’d certainly block me sooner or later and I’m genuinely curious. Then again, maybe she liked getting my messages and would be interested in the story, yet still has her reasons for not replying.

I like how Facebook added reactions to posts. Now you can be sad, angry, laugh, love it or be surprised.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2016 So I get up, check my Facebook feed, and there are a couple of posts by my nieces in remembrance of my dear old enabling dad. Not a thrilling thing to wake up to.

And then I remembered. He died 4 years ago tomorrow. Or was it today? Honestly, I don’t remember exactly not just because of the brain fog I’ve been experiencing, but because I just don’t care.

Speaking of brain fog… I went down to the clubhouse this morning. They were happy to see me and I kinda missed them, too. :) Anyway, I was telling them that the cruise wasn’t that great, and while I remembered that it was RC, I totally forgot which ship of theirs we were on and it took several seconds for me to recall the name.

Judy led the group and is definitely my favorite instructor. She goes right through the moves without issues.

The dark pickup was already at the house that sold (though if it really sold, why is the ‘for sale’ sign still up?) and I could hear the whirring of a drill as I came in the back door. Couldn’t hear it in here, though I sure have been hearing plenty of landscaping on and off for the last 5 hours. It’s ridiculous. Today is much noisier than yesterday and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to be able to concentrate on the story I began in peace. Or do a language lesson in peace. Or just LIVE in peace.

No water damage workers at the corner house today and I guess they’re done with that. Doesn’t matter, though. Someone else will annoy me with a new problem or project soon enough.

We made a stew in the pressure cooker last night. The potatoes came out good, and while the meat was definitely cooked, it was too tough. What is it with tough meat lately?

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams last night. Something about riding bikes on rural roads and boarding a bus in Michigan.

Got a beautiful journal today like the kind I used to write in by hand before I went all-digital. I’m going to use it for jotting down whatever dreams I can remember upon waking up. I could do it on a simple notepad, but then I thought… why not get something pretty, leave it in the clubhouse library when it’s full when no one’s looking, and laugh at the thought of whoever finds it and gets to go on a real WTF moment? Yeah, I do silly things like that at times. ;)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2016 Even though it may be more expensive, I should probably order my coffee directly from Keurig, so I can be sure to get compatible cups. The coffeemaker arrived yesterday and while I absolutely love it, as high-tech and sophisticated as it is, not all the coffee pods are compatible with it that I got from an Amazon seller. They’re all from the same brand, Crazy Cups, so I don’t know why. The different flavors have different color writing on them, so maybe it’s got something to do with that. I got to sample the Italian Chocolate Cheesecake and Death by Chocolate, but the Bananas Frosted Blasé is giving me a hard time.

The lovely purple coffeemaker came with a sampler pack. Hot chocolate and a few coffees, one being from Starbucks. I also got some iced tea, but all our plastic cups are too tall for it, and it says not to use glass.

I think this rather pricey hair treatment really is helping after all. My hair feels smoother to the touch and Tom says it looks shinier. I just wish it looked less shabby. If it weren’t for the fact that it’s been growing so fast ever since I was put on 75 mcg of levothyroxine and the exciting new straightening brush, I would simply cut it off. But I don’t want to do that for a while. I do want to get a trim, though.

I still don’t know if the house across from us has been sold to someone who’s going to live in it, or if it’s been sold to someone who’s doing a fix and flip on it. Either way, the vehicles coming and going over the weekend (and door slamming) really sucked as I thought – and hoped - that they would at least give me the weekend off. I’m working in the back bedroom now because I don’t want to listen to it for 8 hours, or the workers at the house next door to it fixing the water damage. I just wonder how many more weeks this is going to go on, and how much peace I’ll get in between before someone else has another problem or project going on around here. Plus, Bob’s got to be itching to get outside and grab that hammer and saw. We had a cold snap, but it’s to warm up again.

Tom gathered some food items to experiment with the pressure cooker at Walmart yesterday, and I grabbed a beautiful wind chime, black thigh-high stockings, and a rainbow glitter wand.

Not hearing very good things about cockatiels. They seem to be noisy, from what people say, and I worry about how the dust might affect my lungs. The last thing I want to do is have to return a pet like I did with Simone because I found I couldn’t breathe. I still feel horrible about that, even though there’s no way I could have known. But I still have time to decide. I don’t have to make my decision in a hurry.

Later…

There was one item that Tammy gave me that I found rather disturbing. That was a rock in the shape of a miniature headstone that said something like: No longer by your side but always with you.

This, along with a few other things, is nothing I feel comfortable sharing publicly. The ”headstone” sits in a cabinet under the hutch. Why would she give me something like that if she didn’t believe that she would die relatively soon? I don’t know what to think where her health is concerned. She’s always been a hypochondriac, but clearly she has been suffering. The oxygen tank, all the pills, and many other things aren’t there just for show. She is even entitled to handicapped parking and mentioned something about the nurse bringing up the subject of a motorized wheelchair which was a place she didn’t want to go. So I guess she refused to discuss that much.

At the very end of our visit, she asked if there was anything I wanted to ask her, and while I had no questions (at least none that I felt comfortable asking her) I wondered if she was basically saying it was okay to ask her if she was going to die.

I just don’t get it. Everything I read on fibromyalgia says that it’s not deadly. So what the hell is really going on?

I also wish Tom hadn’t been so quiet and had praised me more to her, but that’s just how he is. He’s very shy and quiet and has not one romantic bone in his body.

While we were there she told me some stories about the girls, and it was hard to tell whether or not she was amused or pissed. I guess they were farting in the grocery store when Tammy went to the next aisle something like that to look for something, and some lady told her that she ought to use the ladies’ room. Then she said something about them taking off and driving manically around some parking lot in a car she had.

Another funny story was Tammy being called to Sarah’s school when she was still in high school. On the way out of school, the two of them were walking side-by-side, and Tammy said, “Your principal is a real asshole. Meanwhile, the guy was right behind them.

She’s already made an enemy at her park, though I don’t know that I would consider her an “enemy,” so much as your typical rude person. They have a wide space of grass running behind their place. This lady was letting her dog piss and shit right outside their storeroom while there was plenty of space for dogs to do their business away from the homes. Tammy, who is much like me in that she doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind, especially when she knows she’s in the right, kindly asks the lady to keep her dog away from their house. Yet she caught her a second time letting her dog piss and shit too close. This time, however, the woman refused to even meet her eyes, let alone say anything. This is so typical and very Western-like too, where a perfectly reasonable request is made of someone and then they take it personally. I guess some people really believe they have a right to do whatever they want. Literally.

I’ve learned that while Tammy may not be broke, I don’t think she has as much money as we do. She didn’t put up much of an argument when I gave her $40, and based on some of the things that they’ve said, she and Mark don’t have much extra.

I don’t know if I’ll do this because I don’t know if it’s worth wasting an extra email address on Twitter just to test Kim, as I may want to use that email address for an account there for other reasons, but I realized a simple way to test if she is still stocking me but just doing it silently. She can’t be too afraid to go to my accounts, because she does it’s a block me and play victim every single time she creates one of her silly fan accounts.

Anyway, if I create an account and call it something like Jodi’s Wins or something like that, I’ll see if she notices it and blocks it. She may not have noticed the account I created in Tom’s name had Aly not followed it. This will tell me if she sees my activity through Aly, or if she’s seeing it directly through me. If she’s following my tweets then she’s probably following my blog as well.

Sarah publicly thanked Becky for being there for her when she got sad. For what, I wonder? Wacky hormones due to early menopause? Not being able to get a man? Never having kids? Something else?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2016 Made a roast yesterday in our new pressure cooker, although we had to add more time than recommended. They suggest 25 minutes for 2 pounds, but we had to cook our 3-pounder for close to an hour. The meat was too tough with less time than that. We also got a chuck roast since there was no eye of the round in stock, and we’re guessing that’s a tougher cut.

In a few hours, we’ll be going to Walmart. We need to finally start paying off our debts, so we won’t get much.

But should we get a cockatiel somewhere down the line? We’re thinking about it. I did a little research on them yesterday. Love how they live a lot longer than rats and how affectionate they’re said to be. Wonder how noisy they are, though.

Thought my worst fear neighbor-wise had come true and that those working on the house were actually the new owners because they were here yesterday, which I didn’t expect. Trust me, you don’t want contractors with garages for neighbors. Early in the morning I saw the same two trucks over there and thought, great, just great. They’re going to always park on the street because they can’t fit in the garage, and also so they can use the garage to work in. But then I remembered Ray bitching about contractors arriving bright and early in the morning on Sundays to prepare to flip the house behind him. Hmm… wonder if that’s what’s going on with this place?

The power chopper arrived yesterday, though there’s not much “power” to it. It’s not an electric chopper or anything. You just place what you want chopped in a little cup below and manually chop it up.

Have a feeling I’m going to have to fight for the set of dolls I won. I remember that; that it’d often be up to me to beg for and work at getting my own damn prizes sent to me. So yes, even winning has its downside. They don’t want to send the prizes; they just want to promote themselves. As they’re doing this, they hope you forget about your wins. I’ve even had to fight for big prizes that took months to receive.

Had a dream I was in the back bedroom of the house we lived in when I was born. I was gazing out the side window, but the view was nothing like it would be in real life. In real life, you’d just see other houses. In the dream, there were many bustling streets.

Then I had a horrible dream about watching a little girl drown. The girl had long blond hair and was 4 or 5 years old. A bunch of people and I were standing around a pool. Some were in the pool, and the nearest swimmer dove down toward her when I shouted that she’d suddenly sunk to the bottom.

I was standing next to her father. Her mother wasn’t around, but I knew he and his wife had a house to which he suddenly drove me. I thought it strange that he didn’t want to stick around to see his kid rescued, or god forbid, drowned. It’s like he wanted to delay knowing the outcome of the ordeal as long as he could. Like the longer he put it off, the longer he could hope for the best. Or delay the inevitable.

At his house, I offered to do their laundry. “Have you ever washed a man’s clothes before?” he asked me, and I knew that what he really meant was whether or not washing his clothes, as well as his wife’s, would make me uncomfortable.

I assured him I was fine with it, but was unable to locate their washer and dryer. He then pulled out a huge metal drawer and said he’d show me how to use it. I guess it was some new way of washing clothes, LOL.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2016 Last night I had a dream that I was eating dinner in a large dining hall in which I seemed to be part of a large group. The dining hall was half full and it really annoyed me that we had to have assigned seats. I went and asked one of the “bosses,” or at least someone I perceived to be of authority, why it was necessary. Her answer was something like, “We’re looking for criminals.”

Then she said, “Stop moving me,” in an irritated tone because I had to lean over somebody to ask her, putting me too close for comfort, though I didn’t seem to be leaning against her.

In another dream, I was in a car with one of two young guys in their 20s driving, I sat in the front passenger seat as Tom sat in back. Eventually, the city gave way to rural roads and we were back out in the country following a wheat-brown grassy road. It was a strange scene in that the rest of the grass everywhere else was very green.

Once back at some type of lodge, I heard the young guys being kind of loud in a community bathroom and I wondered what was going on. Were they doing drugs, were they drunk, were they sick? I dared a quick peek at them and one of them seemed to be doing something in or over the bathtub. Tom threw his hands up behind me in frustration and said, “They’re college kids.”

Tammy did a fine job of scaring the shit out of me in my dreams last night. She was driving us somewhere and we were in a large parking lot. She suddenly took off at 100 MPH because she wanted to make the light at a nearby intersection. I urged her to slow down, saying that no light was worth going so fast for.

I ordered that Keurig coffee maker I said I was going to order. It’s the purple one that’s just under $100. I also got a variety sampler in regular and decaf, plus new air filters for the air cleaners and bedding for the rats.

Tom was going to work today but then I guess they decided not to bother. The extra $200 would have been nice, but so is the extra time to get some things done around here. We want to cook our first meal together in the pressure cooker, and he needs to make room in the front somewhere for the cat/rat bike spinner.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2016 My sister’s fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis are at their worst and she needs a pain patch as well as an oral one. They’re going to be cutting nerves soon, but she still may need a morphine pump because they can’t do anything for the bones and muscles. So she’s understandably not too happy now. Wish there was something I could do to make it all go away!

Worried about my own health when they do a full blood panel on me in May. Not that they’re going to uncover something new that’s wrong, but I fear my cholesterol and thyroid numbers are going to be worse. I “feel” more hypo, but I’d rather that than the OMG intense anxiety the higher doses cause me. No way in hell I’m going to take a chance on a higher dose after finally getting stable again after the hell I went through which typically takes a few months to fully recover from. Especially not while my body’s hormones are changing as I go through perimenopause. I do not want to bring back that anxiety that was so bad it was like literally living in fear. Worst thing I ever felt in my life. And the scariest. But having frizzy hair and never being able to lose weight is far from a crisis. So I’d rather be a little hypo than suffer the horrible terror I went through.

As an “experienced hypo” I can bet my numbers will be worse. My hair is thinning on top by the hairline, the hair feels like a pile of straw, and I’m cold a lot. I know age and peri can also be a factor, but I’m expecting bad numbers.

The so-called wallpaper on that Keurig model is really just a choice in color background. I think I’ll settle for their cheaper model in purple.

When we were talking about our parents, I brought up a horrible memory I have of waking up as a little kid to the sound of my dad beating up on either Larry or Tammy (his belt was his usual weapon of choice) and my mother coming into the room to comfort me while she let her husband do this.

But Tammy looked at me, frowned with confusion and said, “Dad never belted me.”

Could it have been Larry then? Even though Dad was much more passive overall than Mom was, he was the one who got a little more physical when we’d piss him off bad enough, which luckily wasn’t that often. I even remember an instance when I was wide awake and he flew up the stairs to attack one of them. Mom was more of a slap-you-across-the-face kind of person. Not a belt-your-ass kind of person. I swear I also remember seeing my father slap my mom one time. Her piss poor excuse for him later on was the stress put on him by fear of his heart condition.

Great way to deal with it… just smack your wife as if it’s her fault your fucking heart is bad. Yeah, I’m really proud to have been the daughter of Arthur and Dureen O.

Either way, for every one time they got physical with us there were 100 times my mother would verbally or emotionally abuse us.

But it isn’t what they did that’s the main point of this entry. The point is my wondering which memories aren’t really “memories” at all, but perhaps dreams or misconceptions? We don’t form memories as little kids like we do when we’re older. So… how the hell did I know enough Spanish at just age 16 to impress a social worker of mine who came to see me when I was with Anne and Harry? I have no doubt that this memory is real and that this did in fact happen. I remember how she was excitedly telling someone she brought with her that she might have been training how I could even affect the accent.

At 16? I know I started learning ASL when I was 15, but who the hell would have taught me Spanish in an all-white, English-speaking little bedroom town in which anyone who knew other languages probably knew Hebrew or Yiddish? Really thought I didn’t start learning Spanish until I was around 19 or 20. This is because I wasn’t in the public schools long enough to take it there. I had to teach myself.

If there’s one sure memory (or a series of memories) I wish to hell I could delete from my brain it would be the severe anxiety attacks I had. The more I go without incident, since mine was medically induced, the better and more confident I feel, but I still have the awful memories and the fear of it happening again. But if I couldn’t remember then, then I wouldn’t know what to fear.

Looked at the weather. I’d say I’m going to be in for one noisy day, or at least a noisy morning.

Had this dream that I entered a huge building and was totally lost. I just couldn’t find room 350 like I was trying to do for whatever reason. I asked a woman if there was an illustration of the building online that could help me and she said there was.

After dark, I was in a corner room on one of the upper floors of what might have been the same huge building. It was a tiny room with a twin bed and I guess I was staying there. I gazed out the door and into the darkened hallway and I got a little nervous when I saw someone heading down the hall in my direction. I shut the door and held my breath but no one approached the door much less knocked. I was actually worried about it being a fat woman that I was rude to earlier.

Later…

The lady across the street in the gray house has been having more and more company. Last night that loud white truck that comes to visit her regularly left in the middle of the night. There are two vehicles in front lately that I’ve never seen before, and two work trucks plus a car at the house that sold. The corner house is working on her flooding damage, too.

Really wondering when I can have the luxury of going a whole month without having to deal with anybody’s projects around here. Projects, projects, projects! I’m sure the landscaping is next. Then there’s the traffic, or more appropriately, the door slamming. Really wish people could just get what they need out of their vehicles and leave it at that. Or at least leave the damn door open.

I should have known better than to re-add Lori and her cousin Cindy. They noticed me around when I unblocked them. Nothing against either one of them, but they make such pests of themselves! Cindy, who rambles on and on faster than I can respond, wants me to call her. No thanks. Again, why do I get all this attention from people as ugly as them while the Nane’s and Christiane’s out there always have better things to do? I would still rather nice and ugly than hot bitches.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2016 It’s been pouring ever since I got up shortly before 8 PM. Part of me wishes it could always be like this because the wind and rain keep everybody quiet around here. Better yet, I wish it would be too hot for people to be out doing things.

Period was short. It stopped yesterday. But I still have feminine itching and to think that I’ll have to deal with the burning and itching on and off right along with my ear aching on and off, makes me want to scream.

Saying goodbye really is never easy. But that’s exactly what we had to do Sunday night on February 7th. Before our goodbyes, we left the hotel and headed for Tammy’s for an evening of wonderful food and conversation. I’m just not sure how much of it I want to share in public. Certain health issues and other personal issues pertaining to those I’m close to require some degree of privacy. Everybody’s different and so I use my best judgment when it comes to everyone I know.

Mark threw some steaks on the grill and dinner was absolutely delicious. We had baked potatoes and a wonderful side of sautéed mushrooms and onions, plus rolls. We had chocolate pie for dessert, but I barely had room for it by the time we got to that part.

I am amazed at the personal growth of my sister. We all have traits we’ll always have, like me and my mischievous, goofy side, but most of us do – or at least should – mature over the years. My sister may be the same in that she won’t take any shit from anyone, but she’s also really mellowed out and has become a much more positive and supportive person. The old Tammy would have been jealous of anything I might succeed in. This Tammy would be happy for me.

I felt like I’d known Mark forever. He’s a great guy! I’m touched by how happy he was to finally meet me. It was definitely an emotional hello and goodbye for us as well.

He had some fascinating and funny stories to tell. One was about a guy at the retreat he was at for those who have been sober (from alcohol) for decades. The guy was a real shit in his younger, drunken days and did a lot of nasty stuff to his neighbor. He later apologized and made it up to them in ways that were quite touching.

Then he told us a hilarious story about this squirrel that just wouldn’t leave their bird feeder alone no matter what he did.

Didn’t know Tammy was his third wife, though. I knew years ago that he lost his wife Mary to cancer, but when he was explaining to me why he considered August to be a romantic month for him, that’s when that came out. All his marriages were in August and so is Tammy’s birthday.

I was surprised to learn that Nana never wanted the house that was next to the one where I lived for my first 13 years or so. Then what did she want? I’m just surprised because the Hünden was a very headstrong woman with a mind of her own. She wore the pants in her family, and just like my mother had my dad wrapped around her finger, so did Nana when it came to Pa. Pa jumped at her every wish and command. So I wonder why she didn’t want to move there, and where she actually preferred to be, and why she didn’t put her foot down about it. Can’t help but be curious despite the fact that I couldn’t stand her and she’s been dead for 30 years. I guess they got a really good deal on the place or something.

Then it came time for a tearful goodbye laced with lots of hope of them coming to visit us in a couple of years. We’re definitely not going to let another 24 years slip by, that’s for sure!

When I got back Tammy said on Facebook, “Who will help me with my shoes?”

LOL

Later…

OMG, this is so fucking funny! Tom and I once talked about me writing my dreams in story format and turning them into little stories just for fun, to be creative, and get even more writing experience.

I took that little diary from India and started doing just that and writing my dreams as if they actually happened. Then I will tie it up with its ribbon once it’s complete and leave it in one of the bedroom’s built-in drawers for the next owners to get a real WTF moment out of, haha.

The only one I’m going to let in on this is Tammy (Aly’s sense of humor is too dry), but I decided to take it a step further. Hey, if you can’t come up with creative stories, why not creative bullshit, huh? LOL Or at least “creative dreams.” I do have a sensible story idea in the works, but anyway, I created a second Prosebox account a while back so I could see what logged-in members see in my account. No one ever knew I had that account, and I haven’t used it in a while.

But then I got the hilarious idea of writing the dreams as stories and posting them there so I could get a good laugh at all the people I’ve come to know trying to make sense of something I know they’ll never make sense of. Wish I could install my tracker there, but I’m the only one I know of who uses TIP, and am sure they’ll find that an odd coincidence. It’s just that that site has the best tracking. Blogger’s a joke, LiveJournal is dead, and I can’t track at all on my-diary.

I’ll make sure not to post at sporadic hours like I do. I’ll also make sure to make some errors I wouldn’t normally make as much. The profile info differs from mine and there’s much less of it, too. What I came up with for an initial entry goes like this, but this copy is with correct grammar and spelling:

Recognized a trio of folks walking into the multi-story clubhouse behind me when I was sitting outside, and wow. How amazing it is all the people I’ve come to know here! Two guys and a girl. Pretty sure they’re in their 20’s.

I went to clean the bathrooms I was hired to clean and they were weird. I was inside a tiny one and that one, as well as all the other ones, had these sculptures of a human hand. They were life-size, though slender. I still can’t figure out what the fuck they’re for. They’re affixed to the sink counters and will swivel left and right, but not up and down. WTF?

What really scared me was my driving lately. I’ve lost track of how many times it happened but I parked the car by the side of the road, got out and lay down. I’m not sure if I slept or not, passed out or what the deal is, but I got back up even though I felt like I weighed 1000 pounds and hurried back inside the car. I said to myself, “You’ve got to stop sleeping at stop signs!” I was afraid someone would call the police or paramedics. I did manage to get home safely from there so it’s not all bad.

Later…

Got up around 9am on the morning of the 8th. We’d packed most of our stuff the night before and were pretty much ready to go after our showers.

I grabbed a chocolate muffin and coffee from downstairs, and off we went to the airport in Fort Lauderdale.

Returning the Jeep was simple. We just pulled up in front of a line of used rentals and were even told we could leave our trash behind and they’d take care of it.

With time to kill, we ate at Chili’s, a restaurant I’d never been interested in until my sister and nieces got me turned on to quesadillas. I ordered some steak ones. Tom got a burger and fries.

We then left, after Tom worried me for a minute by leaving his boarding pass on the table at the crowded eatery. Fortunately, he realized this right away and no one had been by yet to pick things up.

On the way to Florida, we were in row 5 of first class for both flights, but for the flight to Houston, we were in row 2. We changed planes right away and then we were in row 4 for the remainder of the trip. It felt like that plane would never land! I could only go through my mail, write and read so much.

My favorite flight attendant was definitely this black guy with a great sense of humor. Both of us hated the food, though. It was too spicy. He got pasta and I got shrimp and rice.

Finally back in Sacramento, we found the airport rather dead, which was nice. We just wanted to get the hell out and get home.

I was astounded to learn dogs can fly on planes WITH passengers! I thought they’d have to be in a carrier underneath the plane like the cat I flew to Phoenix was back in the 90s. What if they have to pee or poop?

So we finally got a shuttle driver, deciding to pay a little extra to be the only passengers, rather than go with a group. The guy was eager to tell us all about his fellow employee being pissed off (I guess he was supposed to drive us) and complain about all the foreign drivers and how shitty they drive.

That familiar nervous excitement came over me as we approached the house. There’s always that slight fear that something might be wrong, though the park would have contacted us, yet it felt so good to be back, as much as I hope to escape this state someday.

So Tom turned the water on as I unlocked the door. The only thing “wrong” was that the rats stunk. The reason we couldn’t play back Bob pulling our trash bin in on the cameras we set up or see the rats while we were gone was because fucking Windows did an update as soon as we left. I can operate Alexa from my computer no matter where it is, so I played the rats some music and nature sounds at times. I was just sure to keep the volume down so that those who knew we shouldn’t be home yet wouldn’t think something was wrong. Rats have great hearing anyway.

The next day, Tom had no trouble starting up the caddy.

So 10 days later I am finally caught up on the trip! There is one thing, though, that Tammy and I talked about that was weird as hell. I’ll get to that probably tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2016 Tom’s back to cranking out the overtime to finish paying off the trip (regardless of whether we do or don’t get refunded), and I’m still working at winning, too. The higher pay and the way OT is done in this state makes it too hard to pass up. Saturday will be a $200 day.

I’m even going to splurge on a new Keurig coffeemaker probably this weekend. There’s one for $144 that not only lets you add a wallpaper pic, which I thought was cool but has multiple features. It’s their latest model, the 2.0, and I plan to get a variety of coffees, teas and hot chocolates in both regular and decaf.

I’m enjoying the peace until the people around here pick out what instruments of audio torture to inflict upon me.

I did almost as much multitasking in my dreams as in real life. I chased a mouse, dated my shrink, spoke Spanish incorrectly, and got hit on by a US Marshal at the grocery store. At least she was good-looking. ;)

Then someone tried to tell me Nane was really from Arizona, and I was combing through a bathroom in search of something to unclog a drain while Aly took a bath. Not likely. She prefers showers.

The last dream was strange as hell. I was on the floor by a door. I poked it with my index finger and a picture of a rat suddenly appeared. In a nearby room, I heard the booming voice of a guy I knew Tammy to currently be with, and it wasn’t Mark. It was someone I definitely didn’t like and that didn’t know I was there. I wanted to get up and walk away, but couldn’t. So I began to crawl instead, only I could barely move. It was as if I was drugged or something.

I got curious and looked up my shrink. Can’t find much on her at all, but I’m kind of surprised she has a 1.5 rating. I gave her a 5 on Yelp, but later thought about it and realized I should probably have given her a 4. She’s a fantastic lady. Best shrink I ever had. But she interrupts and changes subjects a lot. I could edit the rating, but I won’t.

How is it that therapy and shrink sessions are now down to just 20 minutes, though? It used to be 50 minutes.

This period is a bit heavier than the last due to being later. I’m surprised I haven’t had to take anything for the cramps given how mild they’ve been. Or have I just gotten that much tougher with pain? I’m using it as a wonderfully shitty excuse not to work out and to finally catch up on the trip. If I wait much longer, my notes will no longer make sense to me.

Tammy cooked a scrumptious dinner on Saturday night containing a roast, potatoes, rolls and a few dessert choices that were wonderful. She even gave me a cherry coffee cake to take back to the hotel. The only problem was that the meat was so bloody and tough I could barely eat it. Tom ate a lot of it because he didn’t want Tammy to feel bad which worried me at first because I thought it was dangerous. A part of me wanted to say, “Screw Tammy’s feelings. Stop eating that fucking meat!” LOL

She read the eulogy she read at Mom’s funeral. When she was pulling it out from a chest at the foot of the bed, I looked at a picture of her and Dad in the 80s in the kitchen of our Massachusetts house. How time flies. What shocked me was how thin she was! I knew she wasn’t as big as she is now – damn is she huge – but I honestly didn’t think she was that thin since she was in her teens.

I was just pissed that she shared some of the pics we took on Facebook and annoyed with Norma for ignoring my request to not “like” or comment on it so Andy and his family wouldn’t see them. I figured Tammy would be eager to share them, though. I mean what did I expect? I hate Facebook the most for not allowing US to choose who sees what.

She said Larry didn’t want to write a eulogy. Yeah, I can’t picture him doing something like that as little as we were in each other’s lives and as much as we really didn’t know each other very well. I would never have written one either because nothing I could say would be appropriate. There are places to say what I really feel, and there are places to say what others expect and want to hear, and well, whenever I can get out of having to say things I don’t feel or believe in my heart, I do. I’d say I was a mass murderer for a million bucks, but I won’t say what I don’t feel is true about my mother just to put smiles on people’s faces.

Also, I’m not the believer in God and the afterlife that most people are. Again, no offense to anyone, but I believe the belief in that kind of thing is more of a dire need to believe in it. Not saying their beliefs might not be correct, though. That’s why I’m more agnostic than atheist; because I don’t know if these things exist. It’s hard to believe in someone I’ve never seen or met, and the possibility of an afterlife seems scientifically impossible. We need eyes to see, ears to hear, and a brain to have awareness. If that all dies, then how can we go on?

Tammy says that our husbands being so wonderful is a sign God exists. Ah, but people who abuse children is just as much of a sign that He doesn’t, isn’t it? So that’s why I’m undecided; too many signs saying there could be one, and just as many, if not more, saying there’s no sign there could be one at all. Then again, if you want to see a sign of something bad enough, you’ll see it.

I’ve never personally sensed our parents, but she believes Dad’s spirit influenced his dog to lick her tears away when she came home crying after his funeral. This was not typical behavior of Max, she said. Do I think he took over his dog to soothe her in her grief? Probably not, but I also realize that I don’t know what’s typical of Max and I didn’t have the experience firsthand. Maybe I’d think differently if I had. Also, had it not been for my own personal experience with dream premonitions and a few other things, I’d probably be saying the same thing about that… that it was just a trick of the mind, wishful thinking, whatever. But I can assure you without a shred of doubt… we exist. A few dream premonitions and I’d call it an odd coincidence. But dozens and dozens? I don’t think so! The only thing I don’t know is why I haven’t had many in the last 5 years or so, but that’s a good thing as most of them were negative.

Regardless of whether or not I believe the words of the eulogy or think Mother even deserved that much, it was beautifully written.

I was surprised to learn Dad’s death wasn’t quite what I thought it was. I thought his heart just slowed down till it gave out, but according to Tammy, some doctor fucked up by trying to get him decongested. I guess there was a lot of fluid in his lungs and trying to remove it was what killed him. His body was just too weak to handle it.

Later…

If I remember correctly, our second day in Florida was warmer, but then it was windy and cool again.

Tom decided that Florida drivers in general are worse than here, haha. Here they annoy you by creeping (due to stiff speeding fines?), but in Florida, they were very erratic with their driving. They’d pass solid lanes and do various things they don’t typically do here. I can only guess it’s because if things are cheaper there, then the fines probably are, too.

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but we went over a bridge that goes over water and Tammy told me, “See those buildings in the distance over there.”

I said I could. Turns out that’s where mom and dad lived on Nettle’s Island. I visited them there twice, once in December of 1989 and once in January of 1990.

Anyway, here’s more of the stuff we got while we were there. One of the days we were there, Tammy took us out for some fun shopping (and didn’t drive poorly on the way there). First we went to a store that was nice. A large garden statue of a red fox caught my eye. It was the only one there. It’s about a foot high, maybe a little more, and very realistically done. I decided to keep it indoors. It sits in the corner on our counter.

The next store she took us to was awesome. It was called Nautical but Nice. There we treated her to a parrot figurine. It’s glossy and dark red. The one I picked out for myself has a matte finish and is a bit more colorful with red, yellow and blue.

I got blue and clear crystals hanging on a ball chain, which now hangs from our ceiling fan/light.

Got a beautiful hanging mermaid with royal blue glitter from the waist down. Her tag said “Ana.” She has dark hair and eyes and wears a “diamond” ring on both hands.

Lastly, I got a 3D postcard of seahorses. Not to mail to anyone, but to keep for myself, as it’s so cool looking. Royal Fucktards must’ve tossed the ones I got earlier because no one’s told me they got them as of yet and they should have by now.

I didn’t get any shirts at this store, but Tom did.

We also got stuff at Walmart, but most of it was stuff we needed. Like an extra suitcase so Tammy didn’t have to ship the fox home to us. We took it on the plane since you’re allowed two things per person. So that, along with the carry-on and my handbag, went with us. The other two purple suitcases always get checked. The new suitcase has a hard case and is cute with light and dark zigzag stripes. It’s got 4 wheels instead of 2, which makes navigating easier. We put most of the delicate items in it since there was room around the fox, and this helped cushion it, too.

Tom got shirts and what he says is the most comfortable robe he’s ever had that was only $9. It’s a blue plaid flannel robe. He then ditched the white terrycloth one my parents sent him many years ago.

I got a purple top with sequins to go with my black leggings, 4 pairs of neon-colored shorts, and a doll – well, they call it a figure – from The Walking Dead. Never saw the show as it’s not really my kind of show, but I loved the 10” realistic black woman wielding a sword and just had to have her. I also got a couple of 6” female wrestlers.

From the hotel gift shop, we got a small flamingo spinner that hangs and a bigger one with a cat riding a bike with rainbow-colored wheels that you spike into the ground. It even has a cute mouse in its basket. Tom just needs to find time to make room for it in front.

I also got a roll-on perfume and a pink hoodie. It’s a size medium and it fits well.

Tammy gave us a wooden sign saying “Relax” with a little turtle on it. That’s hanging out front. She also gave us a cute frog figurine, and when Mark came back he gave Tom a keychain and me a cute little stuffed turtle that hangs from my handbag.

What else… Tammy stopped at a Publix grocery store for prescriptions along the way and a few household items. She showed me her weekly pillbox and OMG! She could open her own pharmacy with all the shit she has to take. It’s sad. Really sad. I saw the oxygen thing she has to sleep with, too.

I’m also worried about Aly’s health. She’s in the ER with problems I’m not sure she’d want me mentioning in public, so I’ll just leave it at that and hope for the best.

Not gonna finish the story today after all, but I’m really close now. Just another day or two. :)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2016 LOL, Seashell apologized for calling me an asshole and said she wouldn’t stop reading me cuz I’m her favorite writer and person on Prosebox. Aw. I told her, “I’ve been called worse than that, you Hünden.”

I knew she knew what that meant, and she responded with a “fist bump.”

At about 6:50 yesterday morning I heard a loud vehicle pull up by the front of the house. I peered through the blinds and said to myself, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. After listening to a week of them cleaning up after water damage in back, you mean now I have to listen to them beat out a new roof in front?”

But they let me sleep, and that’s more important than how crazy they drive me when I’m awake.

Although I haven’t had any anxiety while awake, the warmer temps had me a bit nervous about going to sleep. When I can keep the house at 68°, I’m okay. But the warmer it gets, the harder it is to keep it cool. In the summers I keep the AC at 75° when I’m active and 78° when I’m not. Yet if I get overheated in my sleep, that in conjunction with menopause can cause me to wake up with a racy heart. This started to happen today, but I was getting up then anyway. According to Fitbit, however, my HR never got over 94 upon waking up. Usually, it spikes into the triple digits at that time and usually doesn’t go under 68 when I’m in my deepest sleep.

Sometimes I still have to remind myself that this isn’t Oregon or Massachusetts. Spring really does slowly but surely begin in early February and sometimes even late January. It got up to 74° in here today. It’s going to be a little warmer tomorrow and then it’s going to drop into the 60s while we have a couple of days of rain.

The pressure cooker I won arrived today, but not the power chopper. Tom is all excited about it. We’re thinking we may try a roast first. Tammy would LOVE this thing! It’s huge and definitely the Rolls Royce of pressure cookers. You can even do canning with it. Why do they call it canning when it’s really “jarring,” anyway?

On the second day after the cruise, we went over to Tammy’s and did a load of laundry (or was that the third day?). She gave me a gorgeous necklace with beads of turquoise, lime, and deep purple. I sampled some of her perfume, too. I’ve got lots for her to try when she visits me!

I was surprised the expert here couldn’t figure out Tammy’s Windows problem (we’re not as familiar with Windows anymore, but if he had more time with it he probably could have). There’s only been one computer problem that I was able to figure out that we were stumped on, and that was over a decade ago. I was oh, so proud of myself, too, LOL. But he’s the one who figures out the rest of them.

With the laundry in the washer, we were then off to the beach where I had a blast running along the shore like a kid, haha. I’m sure Tammy got a kick out of it. The waves were a lot like in Hawaii. We took pics of the ocean, of each other, and I ran through the frothy waves squealing like it was the first time I’d ever seen the ocean. Well, when you spend so many years living 100 miles inland, it can do that to you! Didn’t mean to make it look like I’d peed my pants, though. Yeah, I underestimated some of those waves that crashed upon the shore. :)

I got some adorable shots of an old man feeding a squirrel. It was so cute!

Later…

So Jodi Arias was in the news again. I was wondering what took her so long. I also wonder what the media and country’s obsession is with her after 9 months since her conviction. As someone else said, there are tons of other killers out there. So then why focus on this one?

I guess she called one of the corrections officers a vulgar name for denying her request for a haircut. Cockblocker. That’s a new one. Pretty sure I haven’t heard that one yet, but hey, if I was looking at life I might not care who I spoke my mind to either. She lost her visitation rights for a while, though, so even lifers have something to lose unless no one visits them. She may be imprisoned, but I wonder why they would deny her request for a haircut of all things.

What I wonder most of all is why so many strangers out there are sending her books, sweatshirts, and God only knows what else. This is someone who’s 100% guilty of murder. Meanwhile, I was framed by a corrupt cop for making a legit complaint against his welfare bum buddies and I didn’t get shit from strangers but a bunch of sympathy since, even if I’d been just as guilty as Jodi, half a year for even the most vicious of letters is ludicrous. But Arizona and Texas are like that.

This brings me to a certain piece of shit named Bill. Tammy says he’s dying, but haven’t we heard that before two or three times? I’ll believe it when I hear someone actually say that the little cock’s dead. Tom said I should be glad it’s stringing out like this because then he gets to suffer more. Ah, but if it wasn’t for the love and respect of my dear sweet, beautiful nieces, I would make him suffer a lot more than any disease could make him suffer. Normally I am as harmless as can be and under normal circumstances, most people could beat my ass to the next galaxy and beyond. But once I am utterly livid and furious as hell, my lack of height and gender pretty much takes a back seat and no longer matters for much.

When I heard one too many stories of his abuse against my sister and niece, I had a choice. I could either abide by the law or I could speak my mind. I chose to speak my mind. Fuck with most people’s family, and believe me, they’re not going to give a shit about any laws. If they have to break it to defend those they love, they usually will.

I broke the law. I get that. He didn’t know any more than I knew about the default warrant and that he was essentially opening the door for the sickos and corruptos to get at me. I get that too. But I still don’t get how he found out where I was. My only guess is that he got the info from mom who got it from my in-laws, and we all know good and well that my mother wouldn’t have hesitated to throw her own daughter under the bus. And yes, my in-laws would be dumb enough to give that information up to whoever, even though I asked them not to tell anybody where we had gone. But Marjorie did whatever the fuck she wanted to and so did Mary. That’s just how they were.

He didn’t make me write that letter and he didn’t make me make that phone call to him. He’s also not responsible for those who were after me. I get these things, too. But come on. Did he really think that I was going to travel 3000 miles just to beat his ass? It’s the spite that really burns me up and pisses the shit out of me. He was never afraid of me. I clearly remember us talking one day when I was at the Salem house about self-defense and fighting and him saying that if he punched me hard enough I’d go down. Then why call the cops if he had nothing to fear?

Then again, maybe he truly was scared. Bullies like that who pretend to be all macho and tough are often pussies who are just putting on a show. Could I have taken him? Again, under ordinary circumstances like just wrestling around for shits and giggles, probably not. But as much as I hate his fucking guts now? You bet! He could go back to being young and healthy and I would still flip his ass like a pancake! He smacked Lisa around. He brainwashed my sister into thinking she was worthless and that he was somehow worthy of her defense. And then he opened the lion’s cage door and pointed a finger in my direction.

If I’d kept my mouth shut and never spoken out about the welfare bums, their loud music, their fights, their late-night parties, their wild kids, their vandalism, the people that weren’t allowed to live there per C8’s rules, their trash… and if I’d kept my mouth shut to Bill, I never would have gone to jail and suffered the loss of my freedom and thousands of dollars on top of immense mental anguish. But do I regret being myself, expressing myself, and telling it like it was? Absolutely not. You fuck with my family and you’ve got a big problem.

Me.

Tom left for work a little while ago, and I am hoping to continue to remain anxiety-free. Sometimes it almost feels like those butterflies in my gut are about to start fluttering.

Later…

Guess who got a period 9 days late? Something I have definite mixed emotions about.

We made it to 7:07 before the daily noise started instead of 6:50 today. Someone was hammering for a few seconds. I thought someone was knocking on the back door at first. But who was it? It totally screams Bob, but his garage door is shut. Would I hear it in here if he were in there hammering with the garage door shut? And why would he be in there hammering at just 46°? Is the guy really that bored?

Oh, to have quiet neighbors. It’ll never happen, though. Never happen.

I’m glad to know my sister loves the wind chime I picked out for her in Cozumel. You can think you know what someone will like and you can take your best guess, but you can never know for sure till they receive it. It does sound cool, like glass tinkling.

Because I didn’t do a great job with taking notes I can’t remember what things happened on what days, but I am sure that it was the second day, the 5th, that I finally got to see and hug Becky when we all met up at the Flamingo diner. She is just as big and almost as tall as her sister; only she leaves her hair curly and doesn’t bother with makeup much because of her eye problems. I also wouldn’t say she’s ugly now that I’ve seen her in person. Just plain. Both of them are taller than Tammy, with Sarah being the tallest. Becky smelled wonderful, too. She told me she was wearing White Diamonds, and I’m definitely going to get some for myself some time.

Sarah was telling me that when they were in Hawaii this woman kept staring at her and Becky. Finally, she asked why and the woman said she was just amazed because she’d never seen twins before. LOL, they do look very similar, though they are a few years apart.

Becky cracked us up, saying it must be senior night since she and Sarah were the only young ones there. Since most of the patrons were behind me, I turned and scanned the room. She was right. I didn’t see anyone appearing to be under 50.

The food was fantastic. They got an appetizer of quesadillas to share which I’ve never had before and loved their chicken ones. I had to control how much I ate, though, so I would have room for dinner even if that room was limited. It was great, too. I got the Fisherman’s Platter, which consisted of clams, cod and shrimp. I kept laughing at Tammy along the way, who accidentally dipped her ring in her mashed potatoes more than once. ;)

Tammy began to question them about a stalker who was supposedly in their building, and Sarah got just as irritated with her as she did a few times the previous day, firmly assuring Tammy that all was well. Tammy said something like, “Well, you know what to do if it’s not. I’m just being a mother.”

A creepy stalker stalking and creeping out one as tall and wide as Sarah?

I felt an unexpected, but instant bond seeing the girls. Just a sense of love and pride that was like, wow! They both have become very strong, intelligent and independent young women. Didn’t think I would feel such a strong connection since we really don’t know each other from a can of paint. Yes, that’s how long it’s been. Yet there it was, making me feel both wonderful and guilty at the same time for being the absentee aunt that I was for so many years. Ok, this is a piss poor excuse, but you know how we sometimes not only feel the need to remove ourselves from a particular person, but also those they’re connected to? Well, I didn’t just remove myself from my parents that decade that I didn’t contact them (other than to send them that postcard from Puerto Rico, which still makes me giggle when I think of it), but I also removed myself from the rest of the family. The problem, as usual, was mostly our mother. But my brother, who swore that he wasn’t going to get involved when he contacted me in the 90s after dumping me for his own silent decade, did just the opposite. He stuck his nose in every crack and crevice of the family’s life and drama that he could. Regardless, I could probably forgive the guy, though, for being the ass that he could be at times. My father… maybe, but probably not. My mother… definitely not. I’m just not as big as most folks on the whole forgiveness thing and all that.

Nonetheless, I “wiped the slate clean” and stopped talking to all family members as well as some friends, though not all at once. I still feel terrible for most of it, though I’m sure Tammy knows and understands how much our mother loved to cause trouble and pit family against family. I was/am ashamed and disgusted by her as well as embarrassed for her. I felt like I was in high school all over again. “Cliques” and getting people to turn against others… that’s the kind of shit you do as kids. For a mother to pit her own kids against each other is just appalling.

But I don’t want to think of her right now. My cramps are picking up, and well, it only deepens my hatred of her, dead or not, and my hatred of God, fictitious or not.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2016 Costco contacted us today (we’re surprised they would do so on a Sunday) about our disaster aboard Royal Catastrophe. They asked what we think is a fair settlement. So we discussed it and agreed that getting half of our money back would be appropriate. Anything under $300 would piss me off, but we don’t expect to get anything at all. You know God. If there is one, He’s going to continue to be on anyone’s side but mine.

Blogger shows the referring sites from which my visitors come. One was this weird social search site. I ran my name and that of a woman I was once friends with, but nothing that came up pertained to us at all. I don’t get it.

After a long-overdue embrace, I turned to Sarah. She looked beautiful. Her straightened hair was a deep auburn color and her makeup was applied to perfection. She was dressed casually but stylishly, though just about as big as I imagined her to be. And tall, too. It felt so good to hug her!

Tammy wore some way cool T-shirts during the few times I saw her, and her hair was styled pretty similar to the way she’s always worn it; short, though a bit lighter than I’ve ever seen it. Mine’s lighter now too, though I still qualify as a brunette. Her eyes have gone from green to a light caramel brown that matched her hair nicely.

Sarah’s eyes are a prettier, brighter shade of green than my darkish dull green ones. Then again, my eyes are neither dark nor light. I’m as stuck in the middle with that as I am caught in the riptide of periods and peri. Only peri’s winning this month so far.

I smell mice in here. Sorry to change the subject, but my bloodhound nose really does. I swear I saw what might’ve been a few turds too, but I haven’t heard or seen any mice. Thus far this has been the first place he and I had ever lived in that didn’t have mice. I swear I smell that musty odor, though, which is why I haven’t had them as pets for 15 years or so. They also don’t have the intelligence that rats do, and I honestly don’t see how such little bodies can produce turd after constant turd.

Ok, back on topic. Tammy’s house is absolutely gorgeous. Although radically different than my youthful, colorful and rather eccentric style of décor, hers is very classy and sophisticated. I personally wouldn’t choose such an open floor plan, but they love it and it’s beautiful as hell. The thing we envy most is the storeroom Mark set up so nicely. Damn is it nice compared to ours! So is their yard, too. It’s not the jungle ours is. They have just a few scattered, well-kept plants hugging their house and that’s it. The rest is all grass. We don’t have as much of a yard, but it’s jam-packed with stuff that’s been growing for 15-30 years.

They have plans to make improvements to the house and get more furniture. Loved their new washer and dryer and how it has timers on them. That and the floors will be our next upgrades.

I’m even thinking of getting a Keurig coffeemaker. A genuine one too, like Tammy’s got. They do produce delicious cups of coffee unlike anything else, and Tammy assured me the grinds don’t explode. Well, they sure did on the cheap off-brand I got and stopped using a long time ago. I’d love to get a huge sampler pack with both caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee as well as teas and hot chocolate.

Anyway, Mark arrived after we did, and left about an hour later to meet his brother at the men’s retreat they meet at yearly. He is beyond wonderful! Best BIL I ever had. So glad we got to meet him before he left.

We talked about all kinds of things, and Sarah thanked me for agreeing Tammy at least used to be a rather scary driver, LOL. Tammy said mom nearly got her killed in the end as she began to lose it. I can imagine!

Sarah told me that she and Becky went to Hawaii, Mexico and I think she said Puerto Rico too, though it wasn’t with Tammy. They also went to Martinique and hated it. Said it was the worst vacation ever because they don’t like Americans there.

I was super glad to learn that she and Becky don’t smoke, but surprised to learn Sarah’s already going through menopause. I thought she was joking at first. We were talking about health issues and I was discussing how rough the onset of menopause has been on me. I guess Dad picked Tammy up some kind of estrogen thing after her hysterectomy, and that’s when the subject came up. Anyway, I made the comment to Sarah about not getting any older, and she said she was already going through menopause. It has something to do with her medication or being an epileptic.

Wow. Just wow. She definitely won’t have kids then unless she ever adopts. I wonder how she feels about that, but I’m guessing she’s okay with it since most of today’s younger women are more interested in careers than family. She has made reference to her future husband a few times, though. Well, I hope she can find one that can see past her weight, height and underlying aggressiveness because sterility would be a huge asset as far as finding a boyfriend or husband goes. Sadly, she will probably only be able to get a guy who’s immensely overweight as well and that’s unable to get anyone thinner.

Tammy asked if she was as we expected her to be, and we both agreed that she was based on pictures and what she’s told me, and of course what I’ve told Tom about her. Although Tammy has mellowed out with age, we both agreed privately that they all have an aggressive streak, especially Sarah. I would not want to piss her off and then have to face her in a dark alley, LOL.

Not sure what’s going on with Lisa. I know Tammy has spoken to her by phone and that she’s supposed to go down to Florida later in the month, but after I unblocked her, I wasn’t able to find her on Tammy or the girls’ Facebook friend list.

Sometimes I wonder if I should reach out to Lisa, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea because I don’t know how she would react. The last thing I want is to become caught up in any family drama all over again. I was glad to hear that she’s been sober, though.

So after a few hours, since we had to wait to check into the Pirates Cove anyway, we went to Walmart to grab a power supply for the laptop.

This hotel was very nice, and like the one we stayed at in Fort Lauderdale, it was MUCH quieter than the ship was. Just a few scattered bumps and bangs anyone would hear being attached to others, but nothing that drove me batty or that kept me awake. The only real annoyance was the live band they had in their restaurant one night, but fortunately, it only went on for a couple of hours.

The room was spacious and the view was gorgeous. Boats were docked in this little inlet and it was a very lovely place. I was surprised at how dilapidated some of the homes in the surrounding area were, though.

Each bed got firmer and firmer from place to place with this being the firmest. If I were skinny I’d probably have hated it, but I could sleep on it easily enough.

A tray of snacks sat on the dresser, but you had to pay for what you ate. We indulged in some cookies, candy and Fiji bottled water along the way.

There was a private balcony, but we only spent enough time on it to take pictures and see how the weather was when we’d get up, as we were hardly in the room.

The restaurant food was good. That night I got clams in a garlic butter sauce that was delicious.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2016 Moving on with the trip I can never seem to get caught up on. The night before getting off the ship, they gave us two options for how to disembark. We could either put our luggage out the night before and have them take care of it, which would have taken longer. Or we could have taken our luggage ourselves and left the ship earlier. Well, we certainly didn’t trust them with our luggage after all they’d fucked up, and we definitely wanted to get off the damn shit as fast as possible. So that’s just what we did. The sooner we could leave, the sooner I could see my sister for the first time since June 9, 1992.

As our luck would have it, we had trouble finding someone to shuttle us to Enterprise, the people we rented a navy Jeep 4x4 with Pennsylvania plates from, so we hailed a cab. Because we got there a half-hour early we had to stand outside and wait.

Tom was able to get cell reception upon docking and while we stood outside Enterprise waiting, I called Tammy. As I worried she would be, she was practically in tears as she was worried about the lack of contact. Also, she hadn’t slept the night before due to how excited she was to finally hold me in her arms after so long.

So was I! So we fueled up on breakfast at Denny’s and headed up to Stuart where I called her a second time.

We used my cell to navigate our way through her park which is quite a maze compared to ours. The roads are as curvy as yours truly. Where we have narrow yards and wider streets, it’s the other way around with her place. I might actually be a bit uncomfortable riding bikes there as flat as it is. All the roads are lighter in color in Florida, too.

Finally, I spotted her place and recognized it right away from both her pictures as well as satellite images. We pulled up behind an SUV and got out. My sister busted out of her lanai, down the steps, and down the driveway to where I stood. It was one of the most emotional embraces of my life! Tears of joy sting my eyes at the memory of it. We hugged fiercely, sobbing on each other shoulders. Well, more like me on her chest and her on my head, LOL. She still has a good 6 or 7 inches on me.

Movement then caught my attention out of my peripheral vision. Someone tall. A flash of deep auburn-colored hair.

Story to be continued for this writer is now choking to death after swallowing her tea wrong.

Later…

So I get this long rant from Seashell in regards to our trip (I figured she might take it a little too personally being a travel agent and all that), and here is my response to the key highlights of that rant. If she can’t agree to disagree from here on out. I’m not going to argue. I’ll just block her. I’m not going to defend my shitty experiences to a total stranger. I tread carefully when it comes to her, though, because she’s unstable. She’s got a temper and has admitted to seeking revenge on the others and even hacking their computers, so I’m careful what I say to her while trying to remain honest. But like I said, if she doesn’t handle my reply well then there’s nothing to say at all.

“Get off the net, you are on vacation!”

Actually, we wanted the net access for banking purposes. We make a point of checking our accounts twice a day to ensure no unauthorized charges are present. We once found a $200 charge for a gaming site we had nothing to do with and had it promptly removed.

“Those people are from third world countries who make ZERO money from the cruise line except in tips. That was a pure asshole move to take away from those hardworking people.”

Wow, Jamaica and England are third-world countries? The crew came from many different countries from what we saw, and like it or not, our housekeeper didn’t do a good job at all. Trash would be left behind as well as requests going unfulfilled or fulfilled incorrectly. It’s just like when you eat at a restaurant… if you don’t like the service, you don’t leave a tip. :)

Secondly, as far as we always knew, tips aren’t their only source of income. They also get payments from the cruise line that are comparable to minimum wage.

Thirdly, just because you might be from a third-world country doesn’t mean you’re poor. :) Technically, the definition of “third-world” means you didn’t align with the US and EU after the Cold War.

“Seven nights of no cleaning, no cooking, no loud neighbors.”

It was 5 nights and the people above us were very noisy in the evenings slamming, stomping and banging God knows what.

“Just because you had a bad time doesn’t mean everyone else will.”

Never said they would.

“I want to see pics!”

You know where to go for those, don’t you?

“That is NOT Royal Caribbean’s fault. There was a delay due to customs ( blame the government for that) and the port officials did not handle things well.”

Yes, the government and port officials fucked up. BUT… RC DID prove to be very incompetent and disorganized in many ways. Again, I’m speaking from my own personal experience. You know how you said just cuz I had a shitty time doesn’t mean everyone else will? Well, just cuz they got it right for you doesn’t mean they will for everyone else. :) Trust me, they fucked up in many ways, but I’m willing to agree the stem of the delay was probably immigration. Still, RC shouldn’t have waited TWO hours, one paramedic call, and several heatstrokes later to offer water. :) I will say, however, that there were several people who have cruised way more than us who swore this was the first time they experienced such a nightmare.

“I am a travel agent going on 13 years”

Way cool. :) But I don’t get it. You said something about leaving a job in which you had tenure in, and assisting the DA in nailing cyberbullies. Are/were you just Wonder Woman with several jobs, or did you do these things one at a time?

“The heat, the humidity, the sun - you are in the Caribbean. Closer to the equator.”

Yes, I know. Comparing Cozumel with Ft. Lauderdale is like San Diego to San Francisco. Didn’t know about the powdered eggs, though.

“Being miserable about your boarding experience for days. Honey, take your cranky pants off you are on vacation!”

I was sick. No one springs back from a heatstroke in just minutes or even hours. Recovery takes days, sometimes longer. :) I was exhausted, confused and disoriented for about 3 days. Sure would’ve been nice, though, if some food and a good night’s sleep were enough to do the trick.

“But oh my god, I think I have a level of PTSD from people bitching me out for their bad trip.”

LOL, time to switch professions?

“If you call Costco with an attitude, you are going to piss off your TA and not get any help in the future. Please don’t do that.”

We didn’t. In fact, negotiations are in progress as I write, and will blog the results in the end. :)

My dear Rose Louise, I thank god I don’t have a pair of balls lest you be hanging me by them right about now, LOL! Seriously, hun, if you let yourself get upset by other people’s personal experiences, you’ll drive yourself batty. Please don’t take this wrong. I mean absolutely no offense. You know me better than that. :) But if you feel any part of me is “true asshole” or that I’m “making your blood boil” or “lighting a fire under your ass,” perhaps it’s time to stop reading me? Yes? No? Maybe so? :)

I appreciate your input, as always, but I guess some things we’ll just have to agree to disagree on. Different people have different experiences after all, and we’re both entitled to our own opinions. But you took the time to write this and I didn’t mind taking the time to reply. I won’t, however, apologize for my own experiences, reactions or opinions. :) If someone else has a great time with RC… great! :) But if I’m ever asked for my own two cents on them I’m not going to lie. I doubt I’ll ever cruise again, but if I do it won’t be with RC and it will definitely be on a much smaller ship like that AIDAvita. I looked that up and it holds only 1266 passengers.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 We fixed my Mac Mail program and now I’m trying to figure out why my hair is thinner again. I’m far from bald, but I find it odd that it thickened up and is now thinning again. I noticed this since we got back. According to my research, the common causes are thyroid disease and menopause. Well, my thyroid is treated, so I guess that leaves menopause. I’m now 8 days late for my period. Tom has had a bad back for 8 days now, too. Icing it used to help but it doesn’t seem to be working its magic, he said, unless he’s lying down.

I’m more worried about Aly. She said there’s only a 20% chance of the chemo pill working and will probably need surgery. The good thing is that it’s got a 70% chance of working. If it was under 65% I’d be really worried, but there’s no reason not to believe at this point that somehow, some way, she will make it through. It’s sad that the stem cell will cost her something like 6K, though.

It’s also sad that some people in their 80s are in better shape than those in their 20s, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. I’ll just say that it amazes (and saddens) me to see Bob walk, ride his bike, go golfing and climb onto his roof to blow leaves from his gutter, while my sister contemplates having her bathtub removed because the poor girl can’t get into the damn thing. Yeah, God is grand.

And then there’s Marie. Marie… who will always have a special place in my heart but who also makes me shake my head sadly with her “20-year-old” problems. She asked me, saying I was the only one she could trust with it, if I thought she should move on if a “girl” tells her she’s not emotionally unavailable due to the fact that her ex-girlfriend accidentally shot her. I’m sorry she’s going through this, but seriously, these are the types of problems and issues we have in our 20s and maybe even our 30s. But the woman’s in her 50s, for God’s sake. Shouldn’t she have found Miss Right by now or pretty much decided to go it alone? She goes through one relationship after another and the immaturity involved is rather sad. The fact that she has MPD doesn’t help either. But yes, I would certainly move on in her case. Who wants to be with someone who’s not emotionally invested in the relationship?

I chatted with Christiane early yesterday morning. She went down to Austria to do some skiing. She can have the damn snow, I told her. She gets together with Nane once a year. Nane went up to Leipzig last year, so Christiane is going to go down to Munich this summer.

Sometimes I miss my old cyber girlfriend, judgmental, hypocritical Hündin or not. She was smart, talented, honest and damn good-looking, even if her sense of humor was a bit dry. Smart, honest and sane… not qualities that are easy to find.

Germany is almost always the runner-up visiting country to Blogger. Because of her?

I was laughing my ass off when Tom told me that he described the ship as a floating Motel 6 to its coworkers. That’s exactly what it was! Things were filthy, the place was chaotic and noisy, and the service was shitty. If Costco doesn’t refund the better part of our money, I am personally going to introduce them to my dark side.

He brought up something that I’ve been wondering myself… why wasn’t it possible for them to dock in Costa Maya? The waves were just a little choppy and it wasn’t storming at all. The seas were much rougher and the weather was stormy back when the Westerdam failed at its attempt to dock at the Grand Turks & Caicos, another place without a safe/protected harbor, which makes perfect sense. Yes, the boat would sway enough that when you walked down the long narrow corridor to and from the room, you would sway a bit like a drunk, but it was nothing like on the Westerdam. On that ship, things like pens and tubes of lipstick rolled around on tables. Sometimes the sea smelled salty, and other times it smelled like dead fish. Didn’t smell much of anything most of the time.

Either way, it was so horrible that Tom did make it to customer service in the end and not only refused to allow them to take tips, but he also demanded a refund on the Internet service we never got. This much they did comply with.

I love that one of their other ships got damaged. Hope no one was hurt, though!

I also liked being in Hawaii in my dreams last night until a hurricane arrived. I saw Nane in one of the dreams too, no doubt influenced by discussing her with Christiane.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2016 LMAO! Was reading a trending forum on OLS and someone was bragging about their first win of $50 since they started in December. Now, this is where I really have to sit on my hands, keep my mouth shut and be nice. My mischievous side wants to be, well, honest with her and let her know that that ain’t shit. I started up again in Dec. too, and look what I’VE won! LOL

Got a $5 GC from Amazon for doing a survey, so I got a miniature Bernese Mountain puppy to add to my collection.

I’m really getting the double whammy of perimenopause and PMS right now. I don’t want to ever get another period, but I also do to relieve my PMS symptoms. I’m waterlogged, a bit fatigued, my boobs feel like they’re ready to explode, and I’m hungry as hell. Baking chicken wings now since protein helps with hunger. As long as I don’t have any serious anxiety! In fact, I’m not even going to get my weekend treat as I not only want to lose weight, but the sugar is definite butterfly food. Well, I don’t want those butterflies flying around in my gut, that’s for sure.

I asked Sarah how she manages to dye and fry her hair with straightening irons yet keep it so healthy looking. Mine looks terrible in comparison. She told me she deep conditions it and what shampoo and conditioner she uses.

I started deep conditioning my own hair, but after just one treatment it’s hard to say if the Frangipani Monoi stuff I got on the ship is going to help. It seems like it might, but I still like to straighten my hair because it looks less unruly that way and is more manageable.

Got up late today, but even so, I almost hated turning off the sound machine to listen to the usual daytime racket here. Really, I’ve never lived in a quiet place yet as an adult, so when am I finally going to get used to it? Quiet places aren’t meant to be for me and this is about as good as it gets for me noise-wise, to be honest.

So today it was Bob’s second day of blowing leaves from his roof and yard on one side, a semi-delivering stuff to the house that sold, and the workers at Jackie’s on the other side. Found out what’s going on over there too, and as I suspected and feared, they’ll be there next week as well, but by then I should be sleeping through the daytime.

I went out to make sure the trash still got picked up and that they weren��t blocking the garbage truck. A guy was smoking a cigarette by one of the trucks and I said something like, “Were they able to pick up our trash okay?”

He said they were, and that’s when I asked what was up. Turns out her hot water tank leaked and caused severe damage in one of her bathrooms. I suppose I should be glad I only have to listen to it and not pay for it. That’s gotta be pretty expensive what they’re doing over there, though most of the people here are well off.

Wondering if Hoodie’s days are numbered since he’s sleeping more and more and Cappy’s showing more interest in me. Rats are natural attention whores, so if they can’t turn to other rats as much, the more they’ll turn to people.

Last night I dreamed I was held someplace against my will. It almost seemed like a resort in a wooded area, or at least one that was more out of the way. Every time I thought to look for an escape when no one was watching me, something about the place would pique my curiosity.

The night before I had a horrible money dream. My parents were still alive in it too, and I said something about calling them for help since we were so damn broke and looking at losing everything.

Tom reassured me, though, that in reality, we’re far from having to worry. He’s easily able to pass up OT offers, so that’s good. He still does OT a lot, though, because we still like money and Cali’s still an expensive place to be.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2016 Today I have felt the most refreshed since returning home. I’m really starting to get caught up on things, including working out. I haven’t gotten to any reading yet, though, and I’m still behind in blogs.

I contemplated wishing Andy a happy birthday in a few days, but then I got curious and checked his Ask account for the first time in a while. It now sports another classic arrogant quote about saying how it is, which really means how he thinks it is. This tells me something about him. It’s a classic reminder that some things – and people – never do change. Hell, Tammy’s changed more than he has. So… I decided against the birthday wishes as I realized that nothing would ever change and that I really do need to continue moving on. I appreciate that he’s allowing me to do so in peace too, and not pestering me anywhere. He doesn’t appear to follow any of my blogs, so that’s a good sign. One saying he too, has moved on. Besides, he’s too sensitive to read this and I don’t want to hurt his feelings despite the fact that I was totally honest with him before I let him go. We’re just too different and I accept that he is who he is. Part of accepting that is letting him go and just getting on with our lives. We can’t change people. Only they can change themselves. The guy’s in his 50s. He’s never going to lose his arrogant, negative, immature ways. Again, he’s not a bad person. I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him any drama. He was/is miserable. I get that. But I don’t need to be dragged down with him and all the other annoyances that came with associating with him. Subtle but obvious annoyances not typical of a true friend.

No matter how well he may think he knows me (and he may’ve known some parts of me very well), and wishes I was him, I’m not him. I don’t feel, think, believe and experience everything he does, and well, I never will. The jealousy, the stupidity (perhaps deliberately to annoy me?)…it just got old. I spent more time feeling sad and embarrassed for him than anything else. This wasn’t someone who got on my nerves only every once in a while but regularly instead. The pot fucked with his brain. I get that, too. But damn did I get tired of having to repeat myself so often! Dealing with my own brain fog is enough. I may not be nearly as bad as he is, but my memory still isn’t what it used to be. Either way, I’m glad we have both been able to move on from each other and I personally hope the feeling is totally mutual and that he’s not interested in contacting me any more than I am in contacting him.

I appreciate the good times we had together. I’ll always smile or giggle at some of the shit we did… until I remember the horrible way he treated me mainly from 2010-2013… accusing me of making up my health problems, making us pay for prank calls to us when we were broke, making fun of my driving phobia, defending my past perps, and insulting my husband who never said or did a goddamn thing to him. Some friend he was for the most part, huh?

LOL, life goes on. :)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2016 Things have continued to be hectic upon returning home, but nothing bad has been going on. Just some annoyances here and there like not being able to sync my Fitbit very easily, and the Mac Mail program being all screwed up. Tom read that this has happened with El Capitan as well as whatever it was I had before (Maverick?). I can’t receive anything from Hotmail without going to the actual account, nor can I send anything from mail.com. My solution? To just use Yahoo or Gmail for now, but we’ll untangle the mess soon enough.

The only other annoyance around here is whatever’s going on at the corner house across from our carport. This woman is usually very quiet, but there has been some project going on there that includes hammering, sawing, and plenty of door slamming as the workers go in and out of their trucks.

The house diagonally from us has sold, so I’m a little nervous about what we may be in for over there.

I’m so far behind in my writing that I don’t expect to remember every single experience, thought and feeling, but I’ll do my best.

Yesterday I went next door but only Virginia was home. Bob was out golfing with Jim. I told her a little bit about the trip and gave her the same wind chime I got for Tammy and myself in Cozumel, only theirs is heart-shaped and ours is butterfly-shaped. She really appreciated it, saying I didn’t have to, they didn’t do anything, etc. Yeah, they did. They took in our trash in green waste bins and we really appreciate that.

The wind chime was tangled just like mine and Tammy’s, but I managed to get mine untangled relatively fast. Virginia said Bob likes to do things like untangling things, so she’d let him have fun with it. I realize it’s not ideal for outdoors because it would probably get seriously tangled in no time as delicate as it is, so I’m just going to keep it inside. It sounds a lot nicer than it looks, but since it’s not very loud I doubt I would hear it if it was outdoors anyway.

Virginia said she and Bob were on a cruise to Alaska many years ago and they loved it. It also didn’t hold over 4000 people, and I think the number of people really makes a huge difference in the service. Incompetent people can screw up with just a few people, but I think they’re a lot more likely to mess things up the more people there are.

I told her about the family reunion, and she told me that Bob lost his last of 7 siblings last fall.

Their place is so much more modern looking than ours with all they’ve done to it over the years. They’ve got sheetrock on the walls and all that. It’s very neat and non-cluttered, too. I think our place is a good 100-200 square feet bigger, though.

What was funny was how determined she told me Bob is to have fun shaping some of our trees and how she told him, “Don’t you think you’re getting a little pushy?” And he told her that we could tell him if he was.

LOL, there’s no such thing. He couldn’t cut or shape our stuff enough. I know the guy likes to keep busy and be outside as much as possible. I also know that we don’t have as much free time as he does, so he’s welcome to butcher whatever he wants. I don’t think he would wake me up when I was sleeping in because he doesn’t use any power tools. Just those giant cutters like what we have. Pruning shears, I guess they’re called. Seriously, we’ve got way too much shit on our property and we have to clear out some stuff as it is just to be able to have a place for the new spinner we got in Florida. We got one with a cat riding a bike that I would like to put in front, and we got a flamingo twister that hangs. I want to put that outside the kitchen window.

Virginia said Bob noticed when we got home Monday night cuz he saw the light on through their kitchen window. I wondered if they’d notice with their window being at an angle the way it is.

I took pictures of the many things we got along the way, but not any of the clothes yet because they’re dirty. Yes, we did get carried away, LOL. Unless you’re trying to make it on our income in a place like Manhattan, most people would love to make what Tom makes, and so we’re lucky to be able to indulge like we did, and I admit we did! I will also share pics of the gifts we received from the family.

Saw my shrink today for the second time and we chatted like old buddies. It was kind of funny, though I think she might have ADD worse than I do with the way she changed subjects a lot, haha. She’s a sweet lady either way. We talked about the trip, anxiety, perimenopause, etc. I told her I had used the lorazepam to help me sleep while on the trip (plus I have the sound machine and an earplug) but then I stopped the lorazepam since returning home and will only use it if I absolutely need to. Hopefully, I will never need to again or it will at least be several months before I do. With anxiety, you just can never know what to expect. It can get you anytime. The butterflies tried to welcome me back yesterday, but they didn’t last long. I still have my tryptophan-laden chicken as well as the emotional tapping trick my therapist taught me just in case things get rough. For now, though, there’s no point in taking it and making myself drowsy if I’m not feeling anxious.

She loves to drive and prefers road trips, saying she feels safer on solid ground. Not us! I have a driving phobia, Tom hates driving, and well, you don’t have to worry about some drunk cutting you off in a plane or a boat, do you?

My period is 3 days late. I love how they’re getting later more often, but wish they would just hurry up and STOP ALREADY! Peri is worse than menopause cuz you’re getting the peri symptoms, but you’re also still having to deal with PMS and periods. So I’m kinda stuck in the middle as I make the transition.

I didn’t know this, but as I learned from Tammy, menopause hit her full blast after her hysterectomy. I thought that having that done meant you got to skip that shit, but nope.

I just hope the anxiety doesn’t hit me when I’m alone for the first time in 2 weeks starting tomorrow. Yes, the root cause may be the peri, but there are still memories of the trauma I went through when the levothyroxine adjustments fueled the fire, so to speak. So while the vast majority may be physiological, there is still a part that’s psychological.

We stopped at Raley’s for a few things on the way home. The apple and cherry trees are now in bloom and looking gorgeous. But with this resurrected beauty comes the resurrected nightmares. You know… the ones with 8 legs? Gonna have to bomb the shit outa the place soon.

Less than two months after returning to sweeping I hit another good win in which I learned the details of today, leaving my sister no doubt both frustrated and determined, LOL. I gave her some tips and tricks to help her turn on her own wins. :)

So the prize package includes a pressure cooker, a power chopper, and some recipe books. Even though I’m not much of a cook, it may be interesting, especially since both of us want to eat healthier. Oh, speaking of health… my vitals were amazingly normal. My blood pressure is perfect and my pulse was a nice comfy 82. No scary “beatdowns,” thank God.

I have really missed winning like I used to but didn’t think I could ever do that again with all the competition out there these days. But whether or not I’m psychically influencing it or I’m just that “lucky,” it’s great to be winning again! Even if I’d still prefer to hit the million bucks over the pressure cookers.

Tried my new weekly hair treatment thingy that I got from the ship’s spa, but can’t say yet if it’ll make a difference. I think this frizz and fuzz is just going to have to be hacked off.

Last night I had a dream that Tom and I were sailing with some woman on a small boat. It wasn’t tiny but it was far from huge. As we were sailing along I spotted what looked like the tops of these 4 dumpster walls way out in the ocean somewhere. Curious as to what could be inside the “walls,” Tom and the woman dove overboard and pulled one of them open. A giant face peered out at us. It was painted on part of a ship that had long since been abandoned. Most of it was submerged in water, and once they pulled apart the wall we could hear water falling like some sort of waterfall that was filling up a space they had created in opening it.

I urged them to get back on the boat because I was afraid I was drifting away faster than they could swim. Yet a split second later all three of us were in the water, and one of them said that we might as well start heading ashore since we had a long swim ahead of us.

My sister was in another dream for a split second and looked nothing like herself even though I knew it was her. Her hair was longer, parted at the side and pulled back in a ponytail. The thing that struck me the most was her face. Totally unlike in real life, it was extremely wrinkled. This gives me hope that she’ll live to get very old.

I also had a dream Virginia died and I introduced some tall skinny woman to Bob by accident, since one of them approached me while I was talking to the other. The woman was in her 60s or so and she and Bob really hit it off well. After several days or weeks had gone by, I ran into the woman and she said, “This guy’s too good to be true.”

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2016 And we’re back! It’s great to be home, even though I hate being so far from my family. At least the weather’s gorgeous today. Dry and 70s.

LOVED seeing my sister and nieces, but missed the comfort of home. Just being able to pee in my own toilet is nice. Seriously, it’s those little things I missed, like my electric toothbrush. Just seeing the bath gloves that I use to scrub and buff my skin with was like seeing an old friend, LOL.

On the downside, I hadn’t even been awake 4 hours after a much-needed 10 hours of sleep, yet I’d already heard over half an hour of landscaping, a few wallops of someone’s hammer (not Bob’s), and some project going on across the street. :( I finally decided to throw on my kickass headphones so I could focus on catching up on my writing, though pics aren’t loaded yet and will have to wait.

In other present news, I hit my second biggish win of the year! Don’t have all the details yet as there are several winners for several prizes, but it has to do with the Your Best Year Giveaway. Not sure Tom will like vegan foods, but I’ll update on this when I get more details. I could’ve won anything from a pressure cooker to a food subscription.

Bad news: My Mac Mail program is all messed up and tomorrow Tom will try to figure it out before I get up to see Doc L. I wasn’t supposed to see her till the 19th, but I got a call asking if I could come in tomorrow afternoon so I said sure.

I don’t know how/why my mail accounts got all messed up. I can’t send messages in some cases and I guess it’s sent shit it shouldn’t have, though nothing appears to have been hacked.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2016 We’re now aboard United heading from Fort Lauderdale to Houston, but like always, this laptop is very hard to type on. Plus we’re hitting turbulence. Looks like we just headed out over the Gulf.

They just gave us snacks. Popcorn for me, chips for Tom.

Nothing much to see now out the window. It looks like we’re flying over a huge fluffy bed of marshmallows. I see bits and pieces of the Gulf peeking through, though.

Anyway, I want so much to get caught up on writing about the trip, but I also want to wait till I’m home and on a keyboard I’m used to. I just wish I’d done a better and more organized job at keeping notes. Instead of throwing all my notes together, I should’ve separated them by dates. So I can’t say which day I had NYC steak vs. chicken, for example, but it was one of the days on the ship obviously.

Later…

Combed through my hundreds of emails hoping for a win notice I missed, but nope. I was only congratulated on other people’s wins and the fact that I was offered a discount on various things. rolls eyes

I’m a bit thirsty now, but I’d rather that than have to keep making Tom get up so I can go to the bathroom. We’re about halfway to Houston now anyway, so I’ll survive. We won’t have much of a layover. By the time we get off this plane, we’ll be boarding the one to Sacramento. Can’t wait to get home! These may not be the greatest rats we ever had but I do miss my babies!

Oh, to sleep in my own bed and catch some alone time. No matter how much you may love and get along with family and friends, everyone needs their solitude at times. Unless they’re having the anxiety from hell, of course, to bring on the artificial fear. Speaking of which, I’ve had no tummy butterflies at all on the trip. Just some impatience, exhaustion and disappointment, sprinkled with a few pissed-off moments.

Battery’s now at 85% so I’m just going to write now and then edit/proofread at home. It almost feels like the plane is descending, yet the flight path shows we’re a little over halfway there. We’re over 28K feet, but never got much over about 450 in speed. I’m guessing we’ll go closer to 600 on the way to Sacramento, and higher too, as that’s further away. This flight is just over 2 hours, but the jump from Houston to Sacramento is closer to 4. By the time our shuttle pulls up to our house, it will be dark. I just hope the house is ok! We were never able to access the camera due to firewall issues, but we could at least tell that the computer and other things are still there, including Alexa. If anyone had broken in, those would be the first things they’d have gone for.

We’re under central Louisiana now and I can see a few scattered boats in the Gulf below us.

Had to ask for a Diet Coke as I got too thirsty to wait. I drank half of it. The plane should be dropping soon, so I think I’ll just go ahead and shut down till we’re on our last leg of the trip.

Later…

Dropped out of the sky and into Houston and then hopped back into the air in no time at all. The sun is setting as we head to Sacramento. Really wish we could move to Florida, but see no way to do so before he retires. At least no safe way that isn’t risky. The wages are so much lower there, too. I’ve struggled before and I could do it again. BUT… money really does spoil you in some ways, even if our expenses suck a lot of it up.

Shrimp on a bed of rice will soon be served to me, and Tom will be having pasta.

Took lots of pics on the last day of the cruise, but I didn’t go rock climbing in the end because I was too tired and had enough sun exposure. I didn’t realize it was outside, but I should’ve figured it was on the top deck. That was also where the miniature golf was located and the Flow Rider. The Flow Rider was more fun to watch than to do, so we didn’t bother. All you do is lay or kneel on a surfboard against a very strong current that I’m not sure I would’ve liked dealing with since it would “flip” people up a steep incline when they’d fall off their boards.

There was a lighted “icy blue” bridge leading into one end of the Promenade, and across it was a glass bridge where a 3-piece band played one night. They were nothing special. Just loud.

They had a couple of interesting ice sculptures in the Windjammer, one of which changed colors.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2016 Woke up more tired than I was yesterday because I was late in going to bed last night. Had a delicious omelet for breakfast with spinach, mushrooms and cheese, and a side of home fries. Tomorrow it will be chocolate pecan pancakes, then the next day we’ll jump outa bed and head for the airport!

I want to just see my other niece and just get the hell out already! I really miss my own bed and my own everything.

Okay, so where was I? Covering the last day of the cruise? Well, it’s like I said… they botched up just about everything. They never failed to mess up room service or much of anything else. We asked for burgers, fries and dessert on our last night and got just the burgers. Had to reorder, at which time Tom said what the hell, and threw in a pizza. I’m going to miss eating as we have been, but it MUST stop upon arriving back home or else I’ll be watching the scale go places it’s never gone before.

Anyway, things they said were open 24 hours really weren’t, like the Windjammer. That’s why we ordered room service that night, which also isn’t open 24 hours like they said they were. When we were in the Windjammer, I hated it when someone was cleaning nearby cuz then the place stank of bleach.

An older guy from Virginia sat next to us one evening, and we felt bad for him having to eat alone. That was because his wife wanted to be served in the fancy restaurant and he didn’t.

We didn’t see the point in paying an additional $35 to be served when we were perfectly capable of serving ourselves.

This laptop is incredibly hard to type on, so I’m going to take yet another break.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2016 The more I try to get caught up, the more behind I get. Argh! I have either been too busy or too tired to write. I wanted to last night, but was way too exhausted. I was so tired all day yesterday that I never even put on any makeup.

After nearly a quarter-century, I got to run into my big sister’s arms for a long, emotional embrace AND see my lovely niece Sarah! We’ll be seeing Becky tomorrow night at the Flamingo restaurant they’re taking us to.

Again, though, I’m determined to go in order of events as excited as I am to write about the reunion, so I guess the next day to cover would be the day we docked in Cozumel on the Yucatan peninsula. After waiting forever while they did an emergency drill, we got off the ship early the morning of the first. A small boat, which said “piloto” guided us in. I noticed that the land was very flat and green.

Where Florida was cool and dry, Cozumel was warm and humid. I can handle humidity in the shade, but not in the direct sunlight or if I’m doing something physical. Therefore, one of the first things I got to help protect me (this time we had sunscreen on) was a floppy hat with a drawstring that goes under the chin to keep it from blowing away. The wind was constant, and Tom saw someone lose their hat while on the ship. He said it took forever to land and just rode the wind for a while before settling upon the ocean.

The stores weren’t nearly as nice as the ones in Maui, but there’s also no comparing the Caribbean to Maui either. I did get a few things, though. Tom got just one blue shirt, and I got a pink dress with silver and purple studs forming the shape of dolphins, and a colorful dress (mostly purple) with fringes. I also got a pink shirt with the name of the place in colorful letters and black shorts with a silver-studded “Cozumel” on one side.

I also got 3 ankle bracelets… a pink one for Sarah, a blue one for Becky, and a purple one for myself. I also got a beautiful beaded bracelet for myself, plus a magnet.

I got 3 small wind chimes and while they may be nothing special to look at, they sound really pretty. I got butterflies for Tammy and I, and hearts for next door as a way of saying thanks for looking out for our place.

I got postcards for Tammy, Aly and next door. The problem is that I don’t know that they’ll be postmarked in Mexico since I dropped them in the ship’s mailbox.

Because I was still exhausted and disoriented from the heatstroke, we weren’t off the ship for long. I’d be tired all day only to perk up at night and have a hard time sleeping. I didn’t start feeling better till around the 2nd, but I won’t be back to 100% till I get a few good nights of sleep at home. I am a bit more awake than yesterday, though, so that’s good.

It really sucked that we never got to do much of anything as far as excursions go. We were supposed to stop in Costa Maya the next day, but choppy seas prevented that as I said before. You could hear the wind howling and see the ocean spray from the whitecaps. You could tell when it was more humid by the water droplets on the glass railings and windows, which were filthy despite them having a window washer.

The casino was nothing special, though we did gamble a bit.

One of the very few things that were good was the food. Well, so long as you stayed away from those nasty scrambled eggs that didn’t even taste like eggs. We did get sunny side-up eggs one time at the Windjammer and they were definitely real eggs.

For lunch and dinner, I had things like NYC strip steak, lamb, prime rib, pork, tilapia (both breaded and not), roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and French fries.

Most of their desserts weren’t that great. They just weren’t as sweet as I expected.

For drinks, I mostly had soda, coffee, OJ, mango juice and iced tea.

Tom took my picture with a guy dressed as a Star Wars character. Not that I’m into that show or anything, but just because I thought it’d make an interesting pic.

The lack of space and alone time got to me at times, but once Tom felt confident that I was recovered enough and more with it, he would take off on his own or sit out on the balcony, which was nice though windy at times, and I would chillax to some music.

On the second to last day was when I went to the spa for the Fire and Ice mani-pedi. I had to wait in the waiting room for a while where a woman told me she got her pedicure done earlier and said it was awesome.

Then Jill, a youngish woman from Jamaica, took me into another room. First she did a pedicure. She had me soak my feet in warm, milky-colored water that was all bubbly like a Jacuzzi. Then she filed my toenails and she did it in a manner which you would think seemed too rough and even painful, but it didn’t hurt a bit. Just a slight bit of irritation on the top of one toe. Then she took what looked like a big silver paddle and buffed the skin of my feet using the same motions.

She then put a gel on my legs and feet, and because she had plastic gloves on, her hands glided over my skin easily when she massaged my lower legs and feet. First she used hot volcanic rocks, and then she used just her hands.

Next she put lotion on my legs and feet and wrapped them in a warm wet towel. Lastly, she polished my toenails a frosty blue, which I picked out earlier.

She repeated the same procedure on my hands and forearms, only she buffed my fingernails so that after the pink polish was applied you could no longer see the ridges. My nails looked so shiny at this point, almost as if they had clear nail polish on them. Unfortunately, however, this made my nails thinner, allowing them to crack.

She also put some amazing products on my face (3 different things?) that reduced the redness I have caused by rosacea. I bought 2 products and would’ve spent over $200 at the spa alone had it not been for the $300 in credit Cosco gave us for booking through them. So they basically covered that much of the trip.

I’m hoping one of the products I got will reduce the frizziness in my hair. I won’t use it till we get home.

By then the laptop’s battery was dead and I took notes by hand. I wish I’d done a more organized job of it too, instead of just throwing them all in one big pile, but hopefully I got the most important stuff noted.

On our last day was when we got all the pics of the ship we wanted to get, including the rock wall which I declined to climb. I just didn’t want to get any more sun exposure than necessary while I was still a bit burned and not fully over the heatstroke.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2016 Signing in for another shitty and exhausting day on the Independence of the Seas. They need to change that to Imperfections of the Seas or something like that.

Royal Fuckups has announced that there will be no docking in Costa Maya today because of the choppy seas. Not their fault, but disappointing. It’s not storming or raining, but the wind is really whipping. You can hear it howling by the door to the balcony. Tom said the ship was really rocking like the plane when it hit turbulence at about three in the morning and that it was a lot like driving down a bumpy road. I’m surprised I slept through it. Tom said that when they were attempting to dock the smell of diesel was horrible.

The pools have been closed, but we may be able to catch our first swim in one of them later on. The kids’ pool looks really cool. Will definitely get pictures of that, the rock wall, and a few other things over the next couple of days as we make our way back to Port Everglades at just 12 miles an hour. Something like that, anyway.

I have mixed emotions about not being able to dock today. Even though the heatstroke wasn’t my fault and we couldn’t have anticipated what happened with the delay and all that, I feel like I screwed us out of excursions, even though Tom assures me I didn’t do anything wrong. I definitely shouldn’t have that much more sun exposure at the moment, but what pisses me off about not being able to dock is that now I can’t mail the three postcards we picked up yesterday. I guess we’ll just keep them for ourselves.

I’m so behind in my journaling that I’m struggling to remember where I left off. When I’m not busy I’m either too tired or too disoriented, thanks to lousy sleep along with the heatstroke I suffered. I don’t think I’ll ever spend a moment feeling all that awake until we’re back home and I’ve had a chance to catch up on sleep. I do perk up a bit in the afternoons and early evenings, but mornings I’m dragging.

My battery life is down to 21%. I’m going to just use my laptop to catch up until it runs out of juice. I’ll do the rest by hand, but chances are I won’t fully finish until we’ve gotten back home and I’ve had a chance to fully recover.

We were never able to connect to the Internet so hopefully we’ll not only get our money back for that, but no one will be worried about us.

Let me jump to the present before I jump back and backtrack from where I left off. Our neighbors are worse than the last time around. Not the couples on the sides of us, But the people above us. I know there’s at least one young guy up there diagonally from us as well as directly above us, though I don’t know if it’s just a wild bunch of adults or if there are kids up there. I just know that the evening banging is horrible. They usually don’t start their shit until about 7 PM and then it tapers off around 9-10 PM, but for some reason, they returned to their room early yesterday and I had to listen to the constant bumps and bangs from about 5-11 PM. A classic reminder of why I loathe living attached to others. Too much banging.

To make matters worse, Tom and I got into a fight. He seemed very annoyed at my bitching about all the banging. You would think I would have learned years ago that for some reason, although it’s not anything I ever could understand, he takes complaints against others personally. Yet I just had to vent like an idiot.

He also got really fed up when I couldn’t find the three ankle bracelets I got in Cozumel and I feared the housekeeper stole them. He then said he was at his breaking point, he’d been supportive of me, I was abusing him, and was just about ready to take off and leave me alone on the ship once it docked at Costa Maya, not that we ever made it there.

I never said he wasn’t supportive of me and I just didn’t understand why he was so upset all of a sudden, but I assumed it was because it had been a rough trip in general thus far. I knew I wasn’t a fun person to be around, but I also didn’t see how complaining about very noisy people would be pushing him to his “ breaking point” or “abusing” him.

I realized then that I really should be less vocal about the things that annoy me, especially when it pertains to other people. He just takes it way too personally. Like I said, I don’t understand why, and it’s never made any sense to me why anyone would take such things personally, but nonetheless, that’s just what he does. I quit trying to figure out why a long time ago, but it offends him and he becomes defensive of them, whoever they are. I personally could never and would never side with anyone that upset or annoyed him, but that’s just me. He’s him and I’m me.

Secrets, Jodi, I said to myself. It really is okay to have a few here and there and not let him in on every little thing that’s bothering you, unless it doesn’t have to do with someone else.

So I will make a point of complaining less!

What really got to me was his constant ordering me around, but at the time I didn’t understand why he was being so bossy and treating me like a little kid. The heatstroke left me disoriented, and while I’ve been getting better, he was afraid to leave me alone because I kept getting confused. Although it was anything but funny then, it was funny how I went up a set of stairs that looped back to the same place on both sides and asked, “Which way?”

My battery life is now down to just 18% and so I’m going to go in random order and I will just edit everything when we get home.

We sailed by Cuba and that was a little exciting since it was almost like seeing yet another country, even though we never stopped there and nobody vacations there anyway. But I still saw Cuba. :-)

Just like on the other ship, the housekeeper comes around twice a day, which seems a bit overkill to me. After the first day, I just had him empty our trash as that was all we needed, but I let him give us the full treatment yesterday. Today he can just take the trash and dishes and give us a spare roll of toilet paper. Maybe make the beds up a bit, too.

On our second night, I went to the Windjammer for the first time, and Tom wasn’t kidding when he said that it has a much bigger selection than room service. Dinner was absolutely delicious. If I had a bottomless stomach I would’ve sat there eating all night long. I had prime rib, a little bit of macaroni and cheese, breaded tilapia, and the most delicious chocolate cake ever. I think it was a mud pie. Sometimes I have kiwi-strawberry juice to drink and other times I fill my soda cup.

This ship has more stores than the other ship had, but most of them either don’t appeal to me or the prices are just totally ridiculous. Prices are always insane on ships. They do have some nice jewelry, though, and even though I don’t exactly need another pen, I got a beautiful pen in which the bottom half is a solid pale pink color and the top is filled with shiny “diamonds.” I was also sure to spray perfume testers on each wrist every day.

Some of the inside rooms overlook the Promenade instead of the ocean. I could see a young girl sitting on her bed doing something on a laptop while stealing glances at the people milling about down below. Not a view I would like. I’m sure it’s anything but peaceful there, too.

I ran into one of the ladies at the Windjammer that was in line with us and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was getting better, and she said I looked better. Well, I definitely got some color, that’s for sure.

Later…

Battery life is now down to 14%.

Like I said, it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Even the elevators lose their minds. The doors kept opening and closing on one of them.

They post the day of the week on the floor of the elevator because it’s easy to lose track of the days when you’re at sea. If I worked on the ship I would be tempted to change it to the wrong day, as the prankster in me came out.

Yesterday’s breakfast consisted of granola cereal and it was okay. I also got some other things with it like OJ, a banana, assorted rolls, and some yogurt. At least they don’t fuck up the bacon like they do the eggs. Today I just settled for a banana and bacon, and I always have coffee, of course. I did take a bite or two of the eggbeaters, which are slightly better than what they call real eggs, but nothing I care for. I think going to the Windjammer for all our meals is our best bet. I grabbed some bacon, tater tots, and potato slices with onions earlier, along with a side of corned beef hash. It was pretty good.

For both lunch and dinner yesterday I had a delicious spinach and onion frittata, breaded fish, mashed potatoes, and cappuccino cheesecake that was to die for.

Not sure what we’re going to do today. The Wave Rider or Flow Rider, as it’s called, as well as the miniature golf course doesn’t look appealing, but I will get some pictures of it. Maybe I will treat myself to one of the necklaces I like at the Promenade. I also have a Fire and Ice manicure and pedicure set up for 1pm, and I don’t just want the pampering but I need it as well.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2016 Continuing on with our disastrous trip that is, believe it or not, sprinkled with a few fun moments here and there. So upon embarking, I was exhausted, overheated and feeling like shit. Even so, they had to blast the shit out of the emergency alarms and make us attend that mandatory drill they always do first thing. They warned parents not to let their brats run around in most areas, yet they do anyway.

At this time we met the couple to our left and the ones next to them as we were all seated at the same round table in the dining room. Loved the incredibly huge and gorgeous crystal chandelier in there, but like I said, I felt awful and being ordered to attend drills as if I were a kid wasn’t fun at all, even if it’s understandably necessary.

By the end of the drill, I just wanted to collapse onto the bed. I felt too shitty to crash without eating first, though, and we had a hell of a time getting room service to deliver our boring burgers with their nearly burnt buns. We couldn’t even find a place to fill our soda cups (we paid $9 a day just to have soda), and so we had to pay for some since the dumbshits couldn’t tell us where to go. It was ridiculous. They just can’t get anything right on this damn ship. We asked for plain burgers and didn’t get them, but were too hungry to make them take it back.

Also, upon arriving at our stateroom, we found our beds hadn’t been set up properly and had to call Dede, our housekeeper, and have him take care of that.

Deciding to go to sleep early since we were beat, we turned off the lights and slid into bed. However, I was too wound up to sleep right away as tired as I was.

Finally, I felt those subtle little movements and heard the slight drone of the engine (not as audible on the 6th deck as it was on the 4th deck of the Westerdam), sat up and parted the drapes. Sure enough, we were moving. Lighted buildings slowly drifted by as we headed for Mexico.

So much for the anticipated excitement of being awake (though tired), on the balcony, and ready to wave goodbye to those on land. We took off over 3 hours later than planned and that was why it was dark by then and no one was out and about that late in which to wave to.

The people upstairs do a lot of banging in the evening. Trying to sleep to that and Tom’s snoring hasn’t been easy. His jaw sling we got for that is worthless.

Got up at 6am on the second day and still felt yucky. I hoped breakfast and a shower would perk me up, but the eggs were the absolute worst things we ever tasted that I ran and spit mine out in the toilet. They didn’t even taste like eggs. Today he had the eggbeaters and said they were a little better. I had some bacon, juice and rolls, so it’s not like I starved.

We spent the first day at sea and didn’t do much mainly due to me feeling so rundown, having not fully recovered from the heatstroke.

When it was discovered that we also forgot the laptop’s power supply, along with my hat, we went down to the Promenade, which looks like a mall, in search of the power supply Tom “guaranteed” me they had.

But they didn’t.

They didn’t even have the ibuprofen I wanted, after reading the rash warning on the Tylenol bottle. I doubt I’d get one, but I still have a medication phobia on me, thanks to the levothyroxine nightmare.

After having an upset stomach and continuing to feel shitty, Tom called for the room service they said was 24 hours only to be told they were closed at that time. Tom went and got us something from the Windjammer, which is like the Westerdam’s Lido Deck, only this place has better food.

At first they tried to refuse, saying they didn’t do trays, but Tom told them, “Yes, you do. My wife is sick.”

Then we tried to get the Internet service we paid for and couldn’t even get that much. Finally fed up, Tom said he was going to customer service to let them have it. But the damn line was so long that he didn’t bother. He’s definitely going to contact Costco and try to get as much of a refund as possible because so many things went wrong and because they damn near killed me (and others) by forcing me into the hot sun for so long. I’m just not used to that having not lived in a place like Arizona for so long. I’m also fatter and I’m going through menopause, unlike before. The Hawaiian sun was a lot easier on me because it was drier there, and my hormonal nightmare had yet to begin.

There are a few things I like better about this ship than the Westerdam. For one, this room is nicer and I like the layout better. I like how the bed is by the balcony, but I don’t like the sliding door as much as the one you pulled open because it doesn’t slide very easily. I’m surprised it’s not watertight either. You can tell by how easily you can hear sounds from outside as opposed to the other ship.

There are basically 5 different levels of rooms. There are the inside rooms with no windows at all. These crappy quarters are basically reserved for the crew. Then there are the ones overlooking the Promenade. Then the ocean view rooms, which just have a little round window in them. Then there are the balcony suites like we’re in. And lastly, there are the deluxe suites. We’re sorry we didn’t get a deluxe suite, but that’s what we get for booking too late.

I forgot if it was the first or the second day, but we got room service later on and I tried their fried honey-stung chicken and found it rather good. He got a pizza. I had a little of it and it wasn’t bad.

I’m surprised they don’t provide robes for us. Also, the beds aren’t quite as comfortable as in the hotel because they’re a little firmer, and the comforters suck. They weigh a ton. Reminds me of those things they put over a woman to protect her female parts when doing X-rays.

I’m surprised there are no stairs or elevators at the very ends of the ship (other than for emergencies). It is a very long walk from the elevator down to the room. It’s a good thing I don’t mind walking, and besides, the point in picking this room was so that there wouldn’t be as many people walking by. We’re at the back of the port end.

We keep the speaker off most of the time because of the way the crew makes these random announcements, mostly to babble about stuff that’s obvious. Most of the crew, like on the other ship, are Asian, though I’ve seen other nationalities as well.

On the first day when we peered down into the Promenade from our deck, a man was sitting with his wife and he offered to take our picture for us with the Promenade stretching out behind us. Again, the other passengers are more helpful than the crew. They’re still friendly and polite and they smile when they walk by, but they sure do a good job of messing things up.

I later met the guy next to us on the right. He was standing at the railing in a shirt and just his underwear, though I didn’t care because there was a frosted divider between us, and well, it’s not like I haven’t seen people in their underwear before. He and his wife are Hungarian.

[alpinelogy]

Started following you after reading your Ferrari chalex fic

Any kinda lore/director’s cut about the chalex time travel Ferrari fic

tell me why u follow me on/off anon (& backstory on my fics)

[rises from the dead two months later] HELLO, now entering a world my beloved. Ferrari chalex you will forever be famous

Rambling under the cut o7, heads up for spoilers

God where do I begin

First of all, this was posted post-chapter 4 but it is still a wonderful silly little rant on the story and my thoughts into it. By then I had the rest of the fic figured out and I was really just setting up the future plot points 🙂‍↕️

However, heres is some random rambling on the fic because I have so many thoughts:

I started working on the fic last January, and initially I was hesitant if I even wanted to go on with this, I had just finished writing we found wonderland (you and i got lost in it) few months earlier and in that one the ghost of Max Verstappen too somewhat haunts the narrative and I hate repetition. Then Kiro my beloved asked me to do some writing sprints with her one afternoon and I wrote about 5k of mildly disconnected scenes and I was dedicated to the bit since then

Also initally, this was meant to be either a three or four chapters long fic, clocking in at some odd 24k - 40k. Already a massive range (3 - 4 chapters, each 8k - 10k), but nowehere near the final 51k I ended up at

Please perceive my spreadsheet of plans. Obviously that ended up deviating and I discarded the three chapter option before I even outlined this but some extra things I wanna note:

All options open with the second loop/first time he goes back. I tried to start with the first loop but I could never get it to work. At the end of the day, we all know how roughly the race week works, what is the point in me writing a series of shite but otherwise average race weeks

Yes the first Charles is acting weird loop is in spirit loop 16. I like my number symbolisms even if they have zero mention of the actual fic. Tho also perceive that no plan the idea was for chapter 3 to be loops 5 - 16. Chapter 2 really ran away from me

Congrats to chapter 4 for sticking to the plan. Loops 17 through 22, exactly as it should be 🙂‍↕️

Now as for chapter 5... yeah, that chapters loop was supposed to be the final one. It was actually the plan until like... a week before I posted that chapter, and then I decided to go back and fix my pacing. Therefore while it is not relevant, Alex gets sent back to Bahrain a grand total of 23 times/goes through the first three races 24 times

With each loop being 24 days with a handful of exceptions, if we round down to 21 days that means Alex spent ~500 days in the timeloop. Thats more than a year. Fun!!

Hey what caused the loop? Well thats for me to know and for you to find out in wolves standing (towards the enemies) coming... well I wanted to post the first part on Dec 1st but I fear that is not happening. Burnout is a bitch

Ngl took me a while to figure out what exactly is the way out of the loop. Never let anyone tell you you cannot treat your silly little fanfiction with the same importance as original fiction, I wanted to have a point to the loop, a meaning and I eventually got it; letting people in and trusting that they will not betray you

Charles and Max are significantly more important to the narrative than it may seem. At the end of the day the fic in a way is about the treatment of teammates, and how Alex had to learn that his RBR experience is not universal. Did I have to put him into a timeloop? Yes. Yes I did

Hey why did Charles know about the timeloops? Did he know about the timeloops? What is going on with Charles? That's for me to know and for you to find out in wolves standing. That one is Charles' POV, you get to figure out everything with him there. That being said, subconsciously, Madoka Magica had a lot of impact on the plot and minutia of the timeloop possibly. Make of that what you will

Funnily enough however, initially Charles played a minor role at best. He was meant to haunt the narrative like Max does, not be fully involved and pulling the strings in the background like he actually ends up doing

Last one little silly fact; the fic was almost named wolves standing (towards the enemies). Ended up gong with now entering a world (from which you will never return) but as obvious that original name got stuck and I am using it for the (unplanned) sequel

Anyway I am definitely forgetting something but this is all that I could think of, sorry that it took me so long anon, hopefully you are still here <3

Finally, I will leave you with my favorite line from the fic, coincidentally one of the lines that solidified it for me that i want to write the entire fic

"It is not a declaration of love. It is the closest Alex will ever be to declaring just how much he cares about Charles as long as he is repeating the same three weeks. It is an admittance that he has lost the battle long before it even started. But maybe that was the point, maybe he has to lose the battle, position his troops wrong so that Charles’ cavalry can trample them, to win the war. To be forced to have Charles as his ally rather than his enemy." now entering a world (from which you will never return) chapter 6

One of my favourite things I've ever written, period. I regularly think of this line

As well as the links to the song that gave the fic its name, a remix of it that I listened to a lot when I was writing it, and the song that gave the sequel its name

[alice--pallas]

Alice couldn't help but let out another chuckle when her brother proclaimed that she ought to be a bitch more often. Smiling, she said "You know, I think you might be right... Maybe I'd be more productive that way, get more shit done." Then again, maybe being a bitch is what would encourage someone to finish the job they'd started. She couldn't know for sure. She raised her eyebrows a bit when he mentioned Alec being an energy vampire--she couldn't necessarily disagree with that notion, though she was surprised that Cyrek was mentioning him. After all, it was the second time in less than a month that he'd brought up her ex-husband after having not spoke about him in years. She found it peculiar--she didn't mind it, of course. It wasn't like back when the wound was still fresh and hearing Alec's name felt like the equivalent of being stabbed in the chest over and over again. Really, it was more just the fact that Alice didn't think about Alec much these days. With a curious smirk, she said "Why do you keep bringing him up all of a sudden? Has my ex-husband been on your mind lately?" She chuckled and clarified, "I don't mind, of course. I'm just curious, you don't usually mention him." Giving a shrug, she said "But maybe... I don't know, I'm not as angry as I used to be, you know? So I suppose I'm less of a bitch--usually. But maybe Bitchy Alice will begin to make an appearance more often."

Of course, she didn't blame Cyrek for feeling such vitriol for her ex-husband. After all, Alec's departure had pretty much torn the journalist apart and unfortunately, her twin brother was left to pick up the pieces after the fact. Honestly, if someone had done to him what Alec had done to her, she'd most definitely hate them forever as well so it was only fair.

Alice nodded in agreement, thinking back to her own childbirth that ultimately resulted in an emergency C-section near the end. "Yeah, that is fair... Even with my C-section, those contractions were a fucking bitch. I liked being pregnant but I didn't like that," she chuckled. What's that say about us? We like pain? Masochism? Sure looks like you're one to me, layin' here with a bullet in your gut. She rolled her eyes and laughed at his suggestion, appreciating the flash of his smile, even if it was fleeting. "Oh, yeah, this is definitely what I was going for--a gunshot wound and nothing more than heavy strength Tylenol. It's a dream come true." Shaking her head, she said "I don't know... For some reason, the needles never bothered me... I guess we really are just gluttons for punishment." Perhaps it was the punishment that they both felt they deserved, though she didn't say that part out loud--she didn't really need to, considering it hung in the air right above their heads. Still, she could always depend on Cy to be someone who just understood her past with addiction. There was no need to explain or justify her thinking. He already got it. Holding out her hand for the Aleve, she said "Thank you so much." Then, with a chuckle, she add "And please, you think I'm gonna' rat on you to Susie? For you doing her job better than she can? No fuckin' way."

When he came back with her juice, she downed the Aleve and hoped that it would start to work sooner than later. "Thanks again." She took deep breath as her brother tried to calm her worries about her daughter. She knew he was probably right when he said that this would barely be a blip on Rhea's radar--that's how it should be. Still, she hated the idea that she was missing any part of her daughter's life while she was locked up in this cheerless hospital. She missed her little laugh and smile. She missed reading to her at night. But she was eternally grateful for Cyrek and Stella taking Rhea in for the meantime. "Thank you so much for taking care of her. I know you guys have a lot going on, but... I really appreciate it. I know she's in good hands--and hell, she's probably having a blast since she basically gets to have a sleepover with her cousins every night," she chuckled. She forced a small smile when he called her by her birth name--he usually only did that when he was trying to comfort her and she was being stubborn and not listening. We can't hide our kids from reality. Giving a small nod, she said "You're right about that... I hate that you're right so often." Finally looking at him and agreeing to the notion of Rhea visiting her in the hospital, she said "Okay. The next time you visit, if you're able to bring her, I would love to see her. I miss her so much."

That rich guy from the council? She couldn't be sure if he was referring to Abraxis or Kaz--both of them had visited her, Abra more than once of course. If ever there were a time to come clean, it was now. What the fuck are you up to? What'd you dig up? There was also that. "Look, I don't... I can't prove it yet but I think that...somehow, some way, someone on the council may be connected to the body snatchings..." The both of them knew damn well that Kurt Adler was one of the corpses that had been robbed from his grave--she hadn't been on scene for that one in particular but she'd looked at the pictures after the fact with her boss. Her heart ached for her twin brother and his loss. "And I want to get closer to it, but... It feels...really unsafe now. But at the same time, am I not on the right track? Why else would I be gunned down like that?"

When he suggested that she pull back from the council, she said "Well, that's going to be a bit difficult." Taking a deep breath, she looked up at her brother and said "Heads up, you're not gonna' like this, but... I've been seeing Abraxis Webb for a few months now. We've been keeping it quiet, obviously--and I can imagine what you're going to say, but... I don't know, I met them at the Ivy and we were flirting and I thought that I could get an in on the council--I thought that if I got close, if I had a connection, I could investigate more. And I've been able to do that, but... It's not just about reconnaissance anymore. We've gotten pretty serious. That's why they're hanging around the hospital. They're here to see me. And I believe that I can trust them but I'm very aware that I could be wrong. I don't think I am, but... I also don't have the greatest track record, so...it's a possibility, I suppose. I could be wrong. And that's what I'm trying to figure out."

Dark humor was practically all he had to offer in the face of tribulations that didn't preclude certain death. ( Grief was an adversary he had no business wrangling with; the guilt that he was still chained to his ankles wasn't dragging him in the dark waters of the Atlantic ocean without anchor anymore, but washing ashore was no better than where his identical twin had landed facedown. He'd been twiddling his thumbs about suggesting a grief group for a while now with Stella, that perhaps they could both benefit, and connecting with other people was bountifully more productive to him than sitting across from a lone therapist ever was. If it were something anonymous, maybe they'd do alright. Was it worth a shot? Starting this... new chapter with her at some point, a family, he didn't want them to get too caught up in these trivial mind games that Kurt's disturbed headstone had wrought. Deep down, he knew that it was to get in his head. If it was him they wanted, then he needed to stop giving them the ammunition. ) "I'd say laughter's the best medicine or whatever the phrase is, but I'm thinkin' that's shite right now. But I think you should be a bitch more often. I was startin' to think livin' in the Big Apple sucked it right out of you, y'know, some energy vampire shit Alec was feedin' off of."

His opinion of the guy wasn't very high, unaided by what few interactions they'd had outside the wedding revolving around the coupling's pending separations. Alice might wish him well, but he sure as fuck didn't. Someone had to hold a grudge around here.

"Mm. I worry 'bout that with the whole childbirth thing. It's real hard without epidural. I thnik Stella's gonna make a ritual sacrifice out of an OBGYN if she don't have it." Before they'd started dating, he would've been no dice on that being on the table too. "Think painkillers would be more my shit, though. She wasn't much for the needles. What's that say about us? We like pain? Masochism? Sure looks like you're one t' me, layin' here with a bullet in your gut," he ribbed lightly, the corners of his mouth quirking as he gave her a barely-there smirk. If they couldn't joke about their ironic eclipse of a vice, then what fun was it? Plus, it was one of those times Alice seemed cagey and agitated that it was causing her problems in the forefront; after a while, it could be almost... forgotten, until something pulled the reminder back into the room like an old friend you didn't want to have an intervention for. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the bottle and unscrewed the lid, saying as he shook two into her hand, "I'll go steal a juice from the cart. Don't rat me out, bitch."

It didn't take him more than a couple minutes to come back, a juicebox in hand, poking the hole out and turning it over in a plastic cup, filling it up and handing it to her. Taking a seat, he let out a snort. "Please. Four year olds can barely like, use their pea brains to remember shit at this age. Stell baked her some fresh cookies and she forgot all 'bout it until the next time she was askin' for mummy. Don't worry. She's more scared of the pair of used socks my crackhead of a cat likes to throw up and down the hall at midnight." After a pause, perched in the hardbacked chair rather than the edge of the bed as the scent of sterile cleaning products and hospital perfume were bound to spark anxieties for him later if he sat at the bed's edge, he reached out to lay his hand over Alice's. "Aliki, she's fine. If you wanna see her, s'not gonna hurt nothin' really. She's gonna keep askin' for you. And... it's garbage advice, but we can't hide our kids from reality."

Lifting his hands in mock surrender, they fell away from her own, though the silence he settled into was slightly unnerved, and he quirked the corner of his mouth. "That rich guy from the council? Yeah, I've seen a couple council people around your room. Like vultures. What the fuck are you up to? What'd you dig up?" The word usage was probably an irony to his own personal hell he'd been wading through since the beginning of the year, but now wasn't the time to get into that. At least, not right this second, while Alice had other fears on her mind. Silent as he listened, he picked at a broken thumbnail, solemnity overshadowing the overexuberant persona that he knew how to don like the back of his hand, receding to his normal, sullen self. "I dunno. You're up the council's arse, somehow. Enemies don't really kill enemies if they know they're enemies. S' the snakes you should watch out for. You get me? Just remember t' be careful with trust. Whatever you're doin' with the council, if you wanna keep up this thing, you better fall back." Cyrek fucked with people who had money with their easily replaceable shit. If he was stealing their operations and plans, well, he wasn't that fucking daft. Licking his lips, a breath left his lungs. Maybe they were both putting everyone around them in danger. Like brother, like sister. "Whatever danger I got comin', I did it to me." Self-deprecating? And true.

[alternateanonymous]

5.18, 11:10,  Just another day in the life of me

What’s up. So honestly, I don’t even feel like writing right now but I am because I am trying to help encourage Stefan to jounral more. Haha. But yea, so we are doing pretty good. I honestly don’t remeber what my last post was but I know that it wasn’t anything very good. I think it was something that was pretty bad, but I just want to update you and tell you that everything is ok. We are doing really good. Like he is loving me really well and we are vibing really hard so that is really good. Of course he still has his issues but its ok because I am here to help him. Obviously I have another jounral that i write in but that shit is addressed to stefan so everything that i don’t want him to really see i write here. It’s not like I don’t want him seeing it, its more of a respect thing for myself. It was a good day today though. this morning I woke up and finished writing a giant law paper that I had to do, so that was good. I actually had a really good time writing it so that was good. I then took a shower and then went to a coffee meeting time with one of my teachers. Mr. Porto. She was really cool to talk with and I learned alot about her, it was honestly just nice to talk to her. I like talking to different people. Then after that me and muhsin went to get some food. Oh also, I’ve been having some crazy nose bleeds lately. it hasn’t been good Oh yesturday me and stefan fell asleep in his common room which wasn’t very good and unsolicited but it’s ok. I woke up and had the worst bloody nose Ive ever had. shit was flowing really badly like from both sides which wasn;t good. Today i felt just the slightest bit woosy beause i lost all that blood but also because i am eating like shit which is completly my fault. It’s ok. these things happen. but then we went to this k nutrition place which was good. Saw this girl that I haven’t seen in a while, her name is marissa jacobsen and is p cool. we had food and it was nice. muhsin’s kinda been getting on my nerves today just because hes being mad annoying. Mainly because i had my roomate meeting today and i didn’t really wanna talk about it cuz it was kinda annoying and i jusst didn’t really wanna deal with it and you know muhsin, he just like to talk in circles about the same shit in a really laughable and stupid way, that kinda just made me annoyed and like bro stfu but I didn’t which is fine lol. But yea, also he just gets under my skin which is annoying. But when these things happen, he doesn’t and instead i become really bitter and sarcastic and that gets under his skin. hahaha. off, it’s like that sibling dynamic for real lol. I had the roomate agreement thingy. it was really easy and lasted like 5 minutes but i literally held the whole conversation and made it really easy for everyone. My gremlin of a roomamte is leaving on my birthday which is in 3 days, so great birthday present, but also yayyyy. Hopefully i will never have to see that bitche ever again in my entire life lol. I basically said I am fine with not having any guests over, cuz it is what like a few more days until we get out of school. But since she is leaving even earlier then yayyyy i get the room to myselffff whooo hoooo. But yea, so she didn’t even say anything and I tried to be as accomodating and open as possible. maybe a little to kiss ass but at the end of the day i am just trying to save my ass. it is what it is. then after that, i hang out with muhsin working on a general outline foir my final film essay which me stefan and mushin all wanted to work on tonight which was good. Took like forever to actually get to the film. Muhsin wanted to find his room for next year so he wandered the damn halls and i sat with stefan. Then muhsin finally did show up but then we were hungry and ordered wings. so then we just continued to work on the outline while we waited. the food came and then we ate and finally watched the movie. the movie was really good it was an alfred hitchock film called vertigo and was pretty good. it was an old movie but had a very intresting plot. I’d honestly love to make another movie like it but kinda modernify it. I think it would be really good. I feel like the film encapsulated human emotion and perspection really well. Sometimes people gaslight themselves and do really stupid shit without realizing it and maybe they do btu just continue to do it because they can’t do anything else and are falling victim to their weakness. So yea. But then throuhgout the whole movie we were all talking and shit about the film, muhsin was getting on my nerve a little bit because me and stefan were working on an outline and basically said if muhsin wanted access to it he had to work on it. We gave him access and he didn’t do shit so i kicked him off the document and he was all crusty about that shit, but it was his fault lol. Also, he was trying to convince me to lie about who stefan wa if he was brought up in the roomamte agreement but honestly fuck that. Lying is never a good option, it just was flabbergasting to me because i think muhsin actually belived that what he was telling me was a good idea which was really stupid because it clearly wasn’t lol. sometimes i think this kid is retarted lol. muhsin and stefan are both more autistic than me because we took an autism quiz and they both got over double my score which was jfunny. anyway i’ll see you later, we are done texting loll, byeeeee. 11:27pm