#too hyped up to go home
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i've been thinking about SR1 a lot recently
#lyrics are from audience of one by rise against#i often picture these hazy summer nights with them all#after a mission#too hyped up to go home#i'm not saying they were all besties but they spent at least some downtime together you know?#just young people running towards the horizon as if they're never going to reach the end#and then i also picture that point in 2020 where they've all “died” in one way or another and casey's sitting there all alone#before she knows johnny is still alive#way before she knows dex is still alive#and she looks at the world around her and wonders if she ever really came back#because she remembers what being alive felt like#and this was it#and it was so long ago#lin#sr boss: casey clark#dex jackson#johnny gat#troy bradshaw#saints row 1#saints row#stuff i drew
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stultifera navis rerun AKA thinking about Iberia hours again because a lot of the Iberians have such fascinating relationships with the concept of home but specifically Thorns and Lumen are eating at my brain. like where do you call home when the place that is your home Just Fucking Hates You? Elysium's rewinding breeze specifically makes a point to hammers home how differently Iberia treats its Liberi and its Aegir
(which is especially interesting since this comes right after a conversation where Purestream commented on how despite Leizi being a high ranking government official, there are still some experiences that are universal for all Yanese people - because the experience of what Iberia itself is like isnt universal for all Iberians)
But all that being said, Thorns also straight up states that Aegir is not his home, and yeah, how could it be? How could a place you've never been to, never truly known, ever be your home? How could it ever feel like a home?
so where do you go when the place that you are from hates your people and the place your people are from is completely unfamiliar and alien to you? Thorns' answer at the end of the conversation with Aya is: my home is where i chose it to be. my home is where there are people I care about and people who care about me
in the complete opposite direction, Lumen's oprec asks: why do you still stay in a place that wants you gone? because the people of Gran Faro like Jordi well enough but when push comes to shove, they will want the only Aegir in town gone
and yet, when Rald the messenger offers him a chance to leave Jordi turns him down and when he's forced to escape Gran Faro after the people there literally try to send him to his death (or worse) at the hands of the Inquisitors he keeps trying to go back because like everyone in stultifera navis, Jordi is clinging to his own dreams of a golden age
but the shape of that dream is unique to every character and for Jordi, his dreams are deeply, inseparably bound to the Eye of Iberia, the legacy his parents left behind
and it's this dream of becoming someone great, of bringing about that golden age that his parents devoted their lives to help create that ties Jordi to this nothing town because despite everything, despite the mistrust of the townsfolk and the hostility of the Inquisition and the danger from the ocean, he simply cannot leave it behind
(or, because i personally dislike the official translation,)
"I just see this place as my home"
so yeah. not sure what overall point i was trying to make here i'm just. deeply in love with these stories about chosing what is and isn't your home, of saying you will not call a place your home because it has given you no reason to or saying you consider a place your home even though it has given you every reason not to. deeply unwell about them <3
#arknights#asto speaks#not much of an essay writer i just keep thinking about them and i need to force other people to think about them too#thorns story fucks me up bc like. this whole almost found family adjacent idea of like#maybe home isnt something decided by your birth but something you can chose based on what truly matters to you#it just gets to me. i guess.#jordi gets to me in a completely different direction there's nothing personal about it i just find his story *fascinating*#just a guy. a completely normal guy. an absolute nobody caught up in these dreams of greatness while also fully aware of his own normalcy#but never letting either of those overshadow the other. never losing that self awareness or that fuckin obsessive determination#god. what a Character#i love jordi so much like genuinely#i joke a lot about him being just a Guy but thats also kinda like the best thing about him#the fact that he is the way that he is and does all the things he does despite being just a Guy#gently holds#for context i was so hyped about new iberia lore when sn was announced i read the whole thing as soon as it dropped on cn server#cuz someone uploaded all the story sections to bilibili right after it came out#and '我只是把这里当作自己的故乡啊' fucking hit me SO HARD#in like the greater context of elysium demanding to know why hes risking his life in like 5 different ways to return to gran faro#because yeah jordi just doesnt want to leave his home but like we the audience knows the full *weight* of what that home means to him#and the weight of the dreams that made him chose to see Gran Faro as his home and to refuse to let go of that#thats why i like the original a lot more than the translation i think like it really emphasises that active *choice*.#this is the place jordi has *decided* to see as his home and he knows what that means and what it means to him#side note the part on thorns might not actually age well depending on whether hg decides to ever release more aulus lore#i mean i'll gladly take the L if it means more aulus and/or thorns lore like#i just wanna know what (if anything) is tying him to iberia yknow#ak#iberiaposting
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but i mean if kr can do it, then i-
#this is vee speaking#i quite literally got home yesterday and sat my ass down to draw him LMAO#my feed was a bit of a mixed bag of reactions tho lol#like i had a few people on my feed saying they might have to start coming to terms with a direction hypmic is taking they don't rly like#and it's a sentiment i have seen growing since the bp albums i think and maybe even earlier when the leaders rather quickly made up#one fan i saw was wishing to go back to the vibe of the 2nd drb and 8th live hype and they're a fan who likes to analyse kuukou#so they're wanting content to overthink and instead are getting gooner material and i may be big on both but i get it lol#hypmic probably needs to lock back in lol it's been too long since EVERYONE had food for thought and not just like bb rei and fp stans lol#maybe the thirst trap is kr tryna signal everyone to come back since they're announcing daddy canon is back--#hm??? kuukou has nip and belly button piercings in my art???#well whaddya know he sure does wow!!!! that's pretty based imo LOL#vee is arting
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Paul George on Stephen A. Smith’s Kawhi Leonard jab: “I didn’t like that moment… Kawhi wants to play… We exhausted a lot out of Kawhi this season. So at some point your body breaks you down… I didn’t appreciate that moment. I know I laughed because the situation was lighthearted, but deep down it was like you gotta let that go, Stephen A.”
Paul George, knight in shining armor
#HE DOES . u know. defend his girlbosses#as a good malewife husband soes#but like... he'll defend them.. five days after the fact#like hes just zoned out during the actual time of necessary defense#thinking about what new gaming chair to buy for himself whilst squinting harshly#i think tauruses and caps get shoehorned into being hashtag Daddies hashtag when it comes to personalities#like yes theyre grounded but that also means they like to duck into their little safety hovels sometimes#if a taurus is in an uncomfortable place/position.. they will often just smile& think abt how much they miss their regular place of comfort#until the moment passes#'oh but theyre so stubborn and loyal! theyll stand up for anyone! all the time!' stubbornness can ironically flucuate#theyre still showing stubbornness! just to the fact that they wanna go home. and they need this moment to pass#and if they bring something up rn.. it will not pass rn#this kind of thinking does not always bode well with fire signs#as much as i love to bully paul .. seeing others do it just isnt the same.. it does not come from a place of love in the end !!#'hes always been a coward-- too afraid to step up and be the bad guy. do the dirty work' no girl hes just a bit stupid#hes literally excitedly told reporters that hes soooo hyped up to try and be the rebound passer guy today#and then one game later hes like 'yea i kinda did too much.. that was.. not good 😔'#like he is doing the best in his mind! his doing bad is not out of bad intent! it's good intent and he is just failing miserably at it#LEAVE MY CRINGEFAIL MALEWIFE ALONE ‼️‼️‼️#MY CANCELLED GIRLFAILURE !!#he just wants to be a trophy husband to a terrifying strange and unusual mystery of a man like isnt that why we wrote dracula#is this not why creepypasta self insert y/n imagines exist on wattpad ?#paul george is just a y/n living in a spiteful world#LMFAOOO#hes so stupid i want to kill him but no one else can kill him but me ok#pg13 years old
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for hs4 rollout I would like to manifest sudden, surprise drops
#🕯️🕯️🕯️#want to wake up one morning to a photoshoot a single and the album release date and tracklist#I don’t want to scour the internet’s html coding for clues#meaning no eroda or you are home scavenger hunts#maybe it’s swiftie style burnout too#i just don’t think harry needs that kind of marketing anymore to get us hyped#we are hyped already but#we’re old and tired and impatient#im going to approach this album era differently in terms of fandom consumption#because i really struggled with fandom and burnout during Harry’s house#anywayyyy just thinking about hs4 and how my blog will navigate#hs4 is coming
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I wish my friends invited me somewhere ToT we're supposed to be in a friend group why is everyone taking someone else cool places 😭😭
#i only ever hear about cool events or places or concerts and trips my friends take with all their other friends#and meanwh I've been trying to invite them places for YEARS and it never works out#it's just so sad and it sucks I don't want to be holed up at home my whole life waiting for someone to invite me#at the same time i see no point going somewhere by myself it's just not fun to me#so... -_-#and well#just way too many people around me are the type to just sit at home doing nothing and they don't really like my ideas#ughhh pleaseeee#i only ever get updates from my friendg group#oh we were here (place i wanted to go) or (event i wanted to go to)#ughhhh#i just want a bitch who will hype me up and go places ToT#and keep me in mind???!!!?!!
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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I'm still like the only person in the WTMH tag here but felt like it'd be better to share this thread from within the game's own socmed.
Pretty grim to read - definitely noticed how weird the inventory expansion system was and how they have one of the worst gachas I've ever seen, but never really expected that the company in charge of global servers would just flat out cut features? And lie about it :/
#welcome to my home game#welcome to my home#wtmh#that villa thing they mentioned was so weird#like the quest really hypes it up and has you build a car to go there and then you finish it and it just cuts out right there#car stays but the villa isn't mentioned again#and taking out the pity system is just so vile#edit: oh right i just remembered that their customer support is apparently shit too#guildmember got locked out of their account and when they sent a message to the game's offical support they were basically just left on read
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since we're all gonna die i have something to share with you all. i did not care for the mandela catalogue
#speak friend and enter#i keep seeing stuff about it and i really like analog horror as a medium but. idk it insists upon itself#like i loved local 58 and petscop and i really like gemini home entertainment but i feel like mc could've been better#it's a super strong concept that was very well executed in the beginning but as it's gone on....idk i feel like it kinda fell apart#the gabriel/lucifer thing was super cool and the alternate concept is really interesting but imo it doesn't live up to the hype#i feel like the scale got away from it y'know. like it became too big plot-wise too quickly and lost a lot of the stuff that made it good#like there's a saying in screenwriting that goes 'if you start out screaming you've got nowhere left to go' and i think that applies#bc it starts out SO impactfully and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing but like. how do you ramp up from that and keep the impact#i also feel like it's indirectly responsible for the analog horror boom that imo has kinda killed the genre via oversaturation#and that's not the creator's fault ofc it's just bad luck but i feel like every new project takes its cues from mc and it's like. really?#like mc has great ideas dgmw but there are in fact other ideas out there that could work for an analog horror story#anyway i hope they're able to end it in a way that wraps it up logically and in a narratively satisfying way#and i hope the creator doesn't feel pressured to keep going with it just for the notoriety. like don't simpsons this thing
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back on my bullshit (playing mass effect)
#I figured out something that’s been nothing me about Sarani’s story and it’s hyping me up to go back to writing her#but that only happens in me3 lmao#but anyways I’m on the first game and I’m taking notes but#it’s highly possible I’ll get distracted by photo mode again and then stop doing that#but then I can just replay again! fun#trying out new mods too#playing me feels like coming home honestly
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I want to have hope so I can have motivation and courage but I'm terrified of getting my hopes up and hyping myself up only for it to be just crushed into dust. I want to believe but I fear that regretting the joy of it will kill me
#personal#my anxiety is killing me#for context i just decided tonight after talking to my sister that i should apply for an MA course in Hungary#so i could go home and take care of my dog and my family bc I've been worried about them (health deteriorating and close to the end)#and also learn to drive there finally (i don't want to learn in the uk) and relearn my mothertongue (its gone horribly rusty)#and i also am afraid of staying in the uk because of the rising prices i wouldn't be able to afford#but bc of my bf i decided to stay another year after my ba. i still don't know what to do with him but this course is also in English!!!#and we do the same thing so if he wanted to he could apply for it too which would be so cool#but now im scared that i won't be able to put together a good enough portfolio on time and won't get in and im hyping myself up for nothing#even though if i did get in I'd be able to spend time with my elderly family more and help out and see my grandparents before its too late#but im so anxious that it'll all go wrong
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only been awake for 2 hours and my car almost exploded on me twice in the span of 20 minutes on my way to class and now i’m being forcibly dragged to olive garden
#i speakin#i just wanna go home bitch!!!!#i feel like i wasted a cute outfit too but. idk. if it even really cute or am i hyping myself up
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me: i don't know, i don't really want to take any classes next semester outside my major, i should really focus on-
the class titled 'gender and christianity': hi
me:
#damien.txt#guys it's a class that's analyzing christianity using queer theory & feminist theory & transgender theory!!!!!!!!!!#i have to take it i have to oh my goddd#going to go thru my classics & interpreting the bible in a queer way phase again#this is the fault of that post abt jesus smelling the wood of the cross & thinking of home i stg#it's at such an inconvenient time for my work schedule tho rip but. i truly might try to make it work bc. oh my goddd#am a little hesitant abt taking a christianity class bc. people be Weird. but im hoping that bc it says transgender#literally in the course description. the people signing up for it will be. at least mostly normal#ahh !!!!!!! im hype. i hope it's really really cool#the professor has really good reviews too. they haven't taught this specific course before so rip bc i want to look at the syllabus#but i am looking soooo hard........
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seeing a local band that we print for tonight w my manager!! very excited yet socially anxious!! it will be a great time!!
#i loooove seeing our clients i love printing band merch#gonna take the fastest shower of my fucking life when i get home tho omg#we're gonna pregame n have the BEST cheesesteaks tonight omg i can't wait !!#i love my manager that's my fuckin GUY what a pal !!!#his girlfriend is so sweet too she's always excited to see us :)#im so excited !! i always feel masc when we go to concerts too which makes me happy#okay rambling over i just needed to hype myself up to feel social tonight#i definitely thought this concert was tomorrow lolololol#rAMbles
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.
#my stuff#we're having another one of those days buds#too religious for the queers and too queer for the religious#i kinda hate that i have to shrug off so much when around other queer people bc like. yes i know i see where the hurt is coming from and#it's SO valid but also#my church community is really important to me. my faith is important to me. i would prefer if you went after what is actually wrong#w us Christianity instead of quippy blanket statements#like im never GONNA say that bc i get it#but i have made a habit of asap in a convo w new queers slipping in something about my home church#but then ALSO a classmate who like. im fond of#he's chill. we were never friends but he still comes to all the art openings and we chat#and i KNEW he was catholic but again. he's always been nice#posted TODAY of all days something about how the REAL meaning of the rainbow is a 'promise not pride' and im just#i'm tired#i'm also tempted to dm him and be like: i think you were hacked bro :( someone's posting BULLSHIT on your facebook#or just unfriend him#it's getting all dark and stormy here and i'm trying to work up the hype to go to my fav local bar's pride event but i would be going alone
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