#too bad I really can't TL haha

[bluetorchsky]

Birthday Thoughts

I just ramble about stuff since it's my birthday today. I'll put it under a read more but like, TL;DR: I want to keep growing and keep finding the bits and pieces of who I am, keep loving the person that I am, and be kinder to the person (me) who does and tries their best no matter what.

*blows party maker* Happy Birthday to me! I'm gonna be spending the day by myself, just going out and doing stuff. But it's gonna be a good one, I know it.

Another day, another year where my age ticks up another number. It's been one hell of a year since my last birthday and just, a lot of stuff has happened. Usually stuff happens but like...it definitely felt a lot more than usual. I just felt a lot of stuff, I did a lot of stuff in regards to work and school, even if I didn't finish school.

I don't really see myself going back to college or university at this point, just to take a course that might get me in a career that's not needed anymore. It's also been really stressful, and I think I'm just not ready to be back there. Which is totally fine, I need a break from it. Sometimes I do feel bad for not completing any of the courses in Animation, but it just didn't really click with me at all. The technically stuff stumped me, but doing character designs and what not (except layout) is what I liked doing better.

Still, I'm not about to throw more money just to take another course. At this point, I just want to take it day by day and try and enjoy the time I have. Even when I'm dealing with customers almost every day, I'm at least in a department where I don't always have to do that, heh.

I would love to learn more skills in art, but I also want to get back to writing. The last fic I did "You Are Here (You Are Love)", I really felt proud writing it. I want to do more, I want to be able to write stories and create images in the minds of the readers, that at some point they will feel like they are there, even for just one second. It's ambitious, but it really just comes down to wanting to improve on my writing.

Another day, another year where I turn a year older and feel like it's any other day in my life. But at least I know that I have changed in some ways, that I have improved in some aspects of my life, that there are people who do look to me not just for help but because I'm their friends, and even though I try to be more than myself, I love the person who I am now. I love that I am still learning more about myself. I love that I can find a piece of me either in my family or friends.

I know there are days when I put myself under so much pressure and stress, that I'm never kind to myself if something goes wrong or what I say doesn't happen. I am only human, I can only do what I can do that is in my control. So I'll keep being who I am and continue finding out who I am.

I think I've yapped a bit too much, haha. So much I want to say, but I can't always say all of it. I do want to say thank you to those who speak and interact with me as mutuals or as friends. You guys really do mean a lot to me, and I know I would not have been able to do what I do without y'all there with your support. You all really mean a lot to me, I love ya guys.

[drspencereidshairtie]

Season Four of The Umbrella Academy was really really something for me because I had disliked lila since the very second they first introduced her. I remember being actively relieved when the show confirmed my suspicions about her, because i had felt a bit bad at first for judging her for no tangible reason.

I never really warmed up to her, in fact i actively hated her by the end of season two (which only went on to get 50x worse in season three with the whole he's our son / just kidding / whoops he's dead / haha im pregnant by the way thing) and then of course season four happened.

I actually almost kinda liked mom!lila. I was like oh, she can be human. She CAN be likeable. Maybe, just maybe, she's not a monster. I liked her new dynamic with Diego, and i enjoyed seeing her being a stressed, caring, normal mom and having a mundane life...for about two seconds. Then the whole 'book club / not book club / let him think I'm CHEATING on him' thing happened, and i was swiftly reminded that there was a reason i didn't like Lila.

Then she gets a power. It was actually a chance for her to be interesting and have character growth beyond just being a mom and wife. They could have used her to show what it's like when marigold interacts with someone who's never before had powers; they could have had some kind of fun training montage, like they did with Klaus and Reginald in season three when he discovered his immortality; and they SHOULD have done something of consequence with it, like having her accidentally hurt someone, or damage something important, idfk but, like, literally fucking anything!!!????!!!!???!!!!??? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Instead, they just gave her stupid useless eye lasers that she uses about three times, can't control at all, and never comes up again. And it feels like they did it because they knew Lila was a weak character that couldn't stand on her own without the context of the rest of the umbrella academy, so they had to kinda 'even out the playing field' somewhat, even if it defied any and all logic and reason.*

Which, in my case at least, was an unfortunate choice. The one thing I'd actually somewhat liked about Lila was that, despite her personality and history, she was, for all intents and purposes, just an average human. I like seeing regular people in shows about abnormal folk. They give a nice context to the chaos, even if they too are 'chaotic' characters, you know?

Just when I thought she couldn't get worse.........well. I don't think i have to explain what happened. It was so much worse because Five had always been one of my favourite characters and OH MY GOD,,,,,,, HE WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER DO THAT! HE WOULD NOT DO THAT???? And you know I'm not just saying that in a delusional 'i know him better than the writers do' fan way, because pretty much everyone is in agreement.

He LITERALLY would not fucking do that. ESPECIALLY with Lila, who he's always disliked at best and actively tried to KILL at worst, and especially not now that she's his BROTHER'S WIFE and not to mention the MOTHER OF HIS BROTHER'S CHILDREN????

Anyway, that was my final nail. I no longer just hated Lila and passively wished she hadn't been added to the show, I wanted her dead. I wanted her to be killed off, or have something happen where five returned to the correct timeline but Lila couldn't for some reason, I just wanted her gone and SOON. I think it was probably what killed season four for most people, not just me. I think that if Lila had never existed, or at least hadn't made it to season four, or hadn't gone with five and................

If that hadn't happened, I think it could have been salvageable, even despite the one million and one problems with the season.

TL;DR: I genuinely, truly, deeply believe that the main issue with season four of the umbrella academy was the overarching existence of one 'Lila Pitts.'

(Don't even get me started on her almost jeopardising everything at the last moment in the final episode. I almost broke something in sheer frustration, because OH MY GOD we literally don't have time for this the world is ending infinitely and your life is not more important than the life of a single slug muchless the lives of BILLIONS of people- deep breaths, dustyn. Deep breaths.)

[missycolorful]

omgg, i saw a few posts about the glass child stuff but never really got too into it bc i felt like they were always missing something. i wasn't really sure what that was until i saw your post, where you mentioned lullahs abandonment issues, and everything just clicked. it just all makes sense now bc i know one of the biggest proponents to the "chays STILL a glass child" is qphils seemingly continuing to prioritize lullah over chay, when looking back at most of said moments it does feel more like a dad making sure the child who was abandoned doesnt feel like that ever again. i also feel like some of the issues come with qphils falling into habits, lullah hasn't really needed extra help in a while, but i don't feel as if that notion has fully into qphils mind yet. i would just love if both lullah and chay got one on one time with qphil bc i love them together, but i think each of them often times holds something back for the others' sake, y'know? lullah and bads and/or chay and tubbos recent solo hangouts kinda showcase the difference in dynamic. anyways, tl;dr you have amazing insight and an attention to detail that i, and i feel like a majority of others, missed out on, and i would love to see more character analysis/insights done by you, if you're interested of course!

oh my goodness, thank you you're far too kind, haha!! 😭

yeah, tbh, I'm kinda surprised that part of Phil's reasoning was either not considered or even ignored. When he mentioned them "being alone," Tallulah's abandonment issues instantly came to mind; it's a huge part of her arc, y'know? So, yeah I can't see this as him accommodating Lullah's disabilities while disregarding Chay; rather, it was him thinking about her literal trauma. If it were switched (Chay had these issues, not Lullah), Phil would go for him in a heartbeat. Why people spun it as "he wasn't worried about Chay" is wild to me.

i also feel like some of the issues come with qphils falling into habits,

mhhm, that's about the crux of it. Yes, q!Phil has trained Tallulah in PVP , and neither he nor Chay recently hover over her during pvp, but when it comes to adjusting to how much his kids have changed, we're still getting there. And not just cuz of, like I said, being separated during Purgatory makes it hard for Phil to grasp what they went through. But bc he himself isn't quite in tune with his own emotions/trauma. It's a detriment to helping his children and growing as a parent, and is part of his own character growth that he is surely yet steadily going through.

And YES! I'd LOVE for the kids to have one-on-ones with Philza. They usually come in pairs, which y'know, is what makes a lot of these issues so difficult. The kids don't have time to be alone with their father, bc they're typically online with him at the same time. I crave that sole father/son bonding, not just bc they need it, but because I love their dynamic so much <3

tbh, i usually limit my character analysis to my main POV, sometimes others if I feel confident enough (i.e. Missa, Baghera). Last thing I wanna do is write analysis that does injustice to a character - any cc!phil fan knows this pain, both in this fandom and others lol! and also some characters I'm admittedly… kinda scared to talk about bc some fans get uber defensive if you talk about any of their negative traits; all fanbases have people like this, of course, crows are NO exception, but this one specifically just… I'd need to be prompted to discuss this character whom I won't specify haha. regardless, if you or anyone else ever wants to ask about my insights on qsmp characters, whether q!Phil or others, I'm more than willing to at least give it a try. thank you again! :)

[archivalofsins]

Q6: Is there a prisoner you aren’t fond of?

Kazui: To be honest, that'd be Kashiki-chan as well. She shows me things I’m not that fond of seeing.

TL;DR: Kazui is the type that states he was lying to protect others, Yuno is the type who'd say, "I was just being honest" in the face of those she's hurt. Despite being incredibly similar, they were bound to rub each other the wrong way at times because the way they execute things and conduct themselves is so fundamentally different.

It's really not surprising to me that Kazui answered, "Is there a prisoner he's not fond of?" with Kashiki, Yuno. Even though they are the most similar, they are also the antithesis of each other when it comes to implementation.

Yuno believes that, above all, it's more important to be honest to herself. Regardless of if that hurts her or those around her. She won't be bothered to deal with things she doesn't want to or smile for others when she doesn't feel like smiling.

A mindset that she has in a way pushed on others within Milgram including Kazui himself.

20/08/02

Mahiru: Yeah, I’m asking for what you like in the opposite sex! I mean, with a lifestyle like this we have a lot of free time, right? So earlier when I was talking with all the other girls we got onto the topic! It’s not often you get a chance like this to live with a mix of men and women together, so I thought it might be nice to use the chance to talk about stuff like this in preparation for when we leave.

Kazui: Ah…… Haha, I understand. I can see that’d be the sort of thing girls your age would be interested in, huh. How peaceful. What I like in the opposite sex… I don’t know if what I say will really be a good reference for you…… Ah, you know, since I’m at this age. I like a girl who can just smile free of worries. Seeing that’d make my old, tired heart feel young again.

Yuno: Uh-huh, I see, I see. ……that’s a total lie, right?

Kazui: Haha…… Give me a break here. You sure don’t make things easy for people, Kashiki-chan.

Because Yuno can't understand why someone else would bother with lying or putting on airs for the comfort of others or even themselves. She'd rather things be out in the open for what they are instead of needing to label them as good or bad.

This is something she tries to enforce with others she's interested in or views slightly favorably as well regardless of whether she recognizes she's doing it or not.

20/07/08

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want, though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about?I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right? I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone, too.

Yuno: I don’t smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you’re talking with other people it’s more like you only smile deliberately. So I kept thinking, don’t your cheeks get tired? Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ……you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you. …….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

Her thought process probably being this person is alright, but they'd be better if they stopped concerning themselves with the thoughts of others or even their own and just did what they wanted to do. Because through not regarding anyone's feelings even hers Yuno has been able to free herself from needing to interrogate whether her actions are good or bad and instead just look at them as things she did that cannot be changed.

This is why she's so quick to draw to attention that Kazui lies to protect himself, but she does it for nothing. Because no one is important to her, not even herself. By removing herself and others from that discussion, she doesn't have to face the thought that these things did matter to her and influence her choices.

Because taking those things into consideration would ultimately ammount to labeling her choices or the outcome of them as good or bad. Something that could lead to regrets. Which,

Q.17 Do you have anything you regret?

Yuno: Regretting things achieves nothing, don’t you think?

If Kazui said the truth is what killed someone, Yuno's very existence embodies that idea. Along with her constant subtle pushing for individuals whom she probably likes to be more honest with themselves. Yuno to Kazui is a daily reminder of the harm being too honest can cause.

It's Yuno because even though I doubt she's being this way with any ill intent, she can be too forward and pushy when it comes to others living in an honest way. Because she believes that being honest and true to herself is what's most important regardless of her or anyone else's feelings/safety.

Just like her namesake implies,

Q.04 What’s the origin of your name?

Yuno: It means to be kind and true to myself.

[TN: Literal meaning of the kanji 優 (yu) and 乃 (no) respectively which make up her name.]

Kazui is shown to dislike this approach of doing things within his second trial voice drama. He also calls Yuno out for being uncaring and self-absorbed during her birthday. Asking why she's helping Shidou care for Mahiru despite her seeming generally disinterested in the well-being and safety of those around her. He's very forward about it or as forward as he can be. He recognizes that Yuno is cold and inconsiderate towards everyone in the pursuit of living in a way true to herself.

So, even though they are the most similar, they are also the most different. Just like in regards to Futa and Kotoko.

To put it very simply, Kazui is the type that claims he was lying to protect others, Yuno is the type who'd say, "I was just being honest" in the face of those she's hurt. Making them both very similar but incredibly likely to rub each other the wrong way at times.

[syncogon]

you know what time it is CHAT SHENANIGANS TIME

(tka s3 ep 12 / ep 36)

the bad thign about chats is that it takes me forever to get through bc im pausing every frame to notice the fun details. the only two guys with themselves as their pfps are th and sx hahaha - oh yes and chibi hst with the corgi

wait it's already dec 3? couldn't have guessed from the way these ppl are dressing lmao

aaand smc eyes are so nice

go off queeeeen ugh it feels so good to hear her deliver this speech (even though i thought her voice sounded slightly off at first).

god i love ee drama scenes. just the putting cui li and sx and xsq and smc and qf and ee mooks all in a room just always ends up in fun times hahaha

ughhhhhh if only i had more tl time

(very very roughly:)

lxb: if yq returns to the alliance and joins tyranny…. fr: what a joke, how could yq join tyranny! lxb: im just saying if! if yq joined tyranny, their starting roster, tsk… fr: say less, thats too scary. lxb: hahaha, quaking in fear! yx: this roster is indeed frightening

"ive already been set as tyranny's starting roster" hahahaha

every time i see xsq stuck in the ee cesspit im just like. man! man. truly the only sane guy here

love how sx looks here though his eyes are so bright!

YEAHHHH smc apple (pear? idr) scene. this also has dating sim / visual novel vibes but i love itttt i love her

FUCK i lvoe them im literally just screenshotting every single shot

half a year until thunderclap my friend

he did it he said the line xDDDD

it's him!!!! the berserk berserker!!!!! lmao this is slightly less dramatic having him have to walk over from another room vs just standing up, but wooooooo

another summer of sleep being dressed in all black really makin me feel some kinda way

wahhhh every time we have this sorta "recognizing each other through playstyle alone" it always gives me feels!!!

also fuck i can't believe we were robbed of the tiny herb happy team up - well i can believe it but im still bummed! wheres my gyj qyf reunion

omgg yeah and the "fuck im not used to seeing this name talk to me"

as always when s3 don't got me the ED got me. theyre all just so expressive.... shoot hit image limit thanks to the xiaocheng HAHA but anyway i should really just marathon the EDs

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Drama CD - Hijikata Biyori Track 25 Eng translation

For about five minutes today, I was contemplating translating all the other biyoris that I haven't translated but were translated by other people... then I put off making a decision since I've got a backlog of stuff to subtitle and I know I've been procrastinating with that. 😅

Anyway, enjoy!

Hakuoki Drama CD - Hijikata Biyori Track 25: Hanafuda

Translation by KumoriYami

Harada: Alright! Inoshikachou [raw is 猪鹿蝶 in JP. This apparently is a high scoring combo in Hanafuda*]! I win!

Toudou: Ahh, Damn it! Sano-san, one more time, one more time!

Harada: Hey, hey, give me a break! I've spent the day playing Hanafuda with you. Let's go out for drinks, Heisuke.

Toudou: Are you trying to run away after winning?

Harada: I'm not going to run away. We can do this again tomorrow.

Toudou: I got it… I just had a bad hand today, I'll definitely win tomorrow!

Harada: Hehe, who knows if that'll happen. Well, let's head out today. Let's have a drinking contest.

Toudou: That's what I want. Hijikata: What are you two doing over here?

Harada: Oh, Hijikata-san... Hey, Heisuke, this is all your fault that Hijikata-san found us. Now we can't go out.

Toudou: How is that my fault!

Hijikata: Hey, what are you doing?

Harada: No, nothing/No-Nothing.

Hijikata: Oh~ Hanafuda, huh.

Toudou: Ah, yes, that's right. I was playing Hanafuda with Sano-san just now.

HIjikata: Speaking of which, it's been a while since I've played Hanafuda. Yosh! I'm going to play too!

Harada/Toudou: Eh?

Hijikata: What, are you dissatisfied [more literally this is 'What, are you not pleased' so I guess 'got a problem' could hypothetically work]?

Harada: No, it's not like that. There's nothing to for it then/nothing that can be done. Just go along with it so we can get through this. Don't take it too seriously. Just lose to him.

Toudou: Leave it to me.

.... [I assume some amount of time passes here though the tl didn't mention it.]

Harada: Ah, Hijikata-san... isn't it about time?

Hijikata: No, one more time!

Toudou: What should we do, Sano-san! Hijikata-san is really into it.

Harad: Ah, I didn't expect Hijikata-san to be so bad at playing Hanafuda.

Toudou: At this rate, we'll be playing Hanafuda until morning.

Hijikata: What's wrong? Let's begin. Ah, but the cards in my hand are really bad.

Harada: Hehehe...

HIjikata: Oh, what's wrong?

Harada: No, it's nothing. It's just that I was thinking that we're all alike/similar.

Toudou: Alike?

Hijikata: Us?

Harada: Ah, it's not so bad for everyone to be playing Hanafuda like this. Alright, I'll accompany you until morning.

Toudou: Eh? Sano-san, wait a sec!

Harada: What is it, Heisuke. You were frusturated too, right? I won't show any mercy next time. Prepare yourself/Be prepared.

Hijikata: Haha, that's just what I wanted.

Toudou: I'm not going to lose either!

Harada: Then let's begin!

Hijikata/Toudou: Yes!

------end------

reference: https://fudawiki.org/en/hanafuda/games/ino-shika-cho

[the-togepi-man]

So who is Chris exactly? I'm late to the party. Why is he always hanging around with you and your partner? Are you guys trying to get him involved in the relationship?

Haha Chris is a really good friend Sean and I made. Initially he started as just a friend to me (well, we were going to do a fwb kind thing but we ended up enjoying each others company), but after getting to know him and spend a lot of time with him these past few months, I realized how awesome and special he is. Sean likes him too, which is a big plus in my eyes haha! He's loving, quick witted, cares about the things that are important to him, funny, genuine, and also incredibly handsome. But that last part might just be me haha! I also noticed that I don't get tired of him- a trait that I get with almost everyone. Not in a bad way mind you, but like one of those- "i know we could exist in the same space and do our own things and I your little habits tend to not drive me nuts." He, Sean, and I have had a lot of cool adventures, from going to a theme park, to staying up till 3 am talking about weird shit, from debating reality, to staying in a cabin together and getting high and talking about life, to going to the beach with some close friends of Sean and I (and we all got along awesome). Speaking of getting along awesome, its absolutely fantastic watching Sean banter, talk, and goof around with him. Whatever the opposite of jealous is, I feel that when I am around them haha. As he knows, I have feelings for him and see him as a part of our future (yes, to answer your question, I wish he was more than friends with us. It doesn't have to be "dating" in the classic sense, but I would love to explore the options with him. However..) I think us three would and do make an absolutely effective team, and I'll always believe that. However, he has expressed that this might not be something he wants, and he is happy as he is right now, just doing his own thing. (which is another trait I find great in someone. Sean is the same way. I'm here because I add to his life- not because I'm a crutch, but because im an amazing bonus, one that helps us both grow!) I can't deny it doesn't bum me out, since we started as FWB and I havent gotten that out of my head in months (it actually ruined a hookup I had a month ago lolol), but it's important to me that he stays a part of our lives - so I do what I can on this end :) I think the hardest part is wondering if every hang out will be "the last time it's like this." before he maybe moves to a monogamous relationship and can't spend as much time with us or be flirty or anythin'. Can't live with that fear though, and more than anything I'm super glad to have met him and gotten to know him so much in these few months! I wish I could show him what I saw, but since I can't I'm just glad to know him. Truly, I know he hates flowery words and big emotions, but I hope he finds people who make him feel special, 'cause he is :) tl;dr: He's an amazing friend, and while Sean and I like him a lot and like having him around, our main goal is to make sure he is happy and cared about as a friend unless one day it's more. He adds a lot of fun conversations, moments, and memories to our lives, and has also helped Sean and I grow with each other

[theotherluxray]

May I ask you how you plan out you panels and compositions for your amazing comic pages?

Haha thank you for the compliments!

I'm not the best at this, I'm rather messy, so take my advice with a grain of salt. You'd probably get some better advice from more professional comic artists. Nevertheless, here's what I can say!

1st) I often study and reference how my favorite manga and comics do it. How to block out a page, what amount of detail to include, what needs to be the center of focus, what corners need to be cut... This comic is my first time making a comic, so studying those that did it successfully has been hugely important. My role models for this have been Hiromu Arakawa (Fullmetal Alchemist), Kentaro Muira (Berserk), and recently @do9bessa (artist who makes PMD Rescue Rangers, and recently made a really good Avatar comic). Hiromu Arakawa and FMA in particular have been good teachers for how I should lay out and pace pages.

2) Planning the flow of the panels. Personally I think I still need to work on this, but the most important thing for any page and story is pacing, and making sure each panel of a comic guides smoothly to the next panel and thus keep the readers eyes following along. Kentaro Muira does this pretty well (as does Arakawa too), but I think the best artist who did this in a "simple yet impressive" way was Akira Toriyama (Dragon Ball).

3) Thumb-nailing and Scripting! I do scripting kind of ad-hoc, but I always do thumb-nailing... even if I kinda hate it. Thumb-nailing, for those who don't know, is basically a pre-sketch of the art you wanna make but in a really tiny canvas space, typically 1x1 inch or 2.5x2.5 cm (adjust as needed to properly scale to a full page of course). Doing it this way forces me to focus more on how the page will be laid out and flow than anything else, and gives me a blue print to improve from when i actually start sketching. it's hard to draw in tiny spaces, so I need to get the most important details put down for the thumbnails to even make sense (and thus, for my pages to make sense). Scripting helps make the thumb-nailing process easier, though sometimes I combine the steps and do them at the same time.

4) Practice and f*cking up. The big one, the one that haunts all artists. You just gotta do it. You just gotta put the time in and make bad art sometimes to "git gud". Half of the first chapter of my story is kind of painful to read because of poor art and messy page layouts (not to mention how long that first chapter got). At the end of the day, this is a fancomic; who cares if the art is bad or the pages aren't well laid out at first, or even every now and then? Or if you decide you can't keep up with it due to life issues or new passions? It's very low stakes, and though I take it seriously because I want the comic to be good, it's freeing to know "I can just take a break, half ass a page sometimes, or even quit if I don't like this" because this sort of thing happens all the time with fancomics. If I was making an entirely new comic for a new IP, the stakes would be higher, because I would need to bring in trust and fight for the merit of the IP, but not so with a fancomic. It's the perfect project to practice, put out bad art sometimes, and have fun without high stakes.

tl;dr: Look at your favorite manga and how they do it, practice and use thumb-nails to plan pages, and be comfortable with fucking up or half-assing sometimes.

[i984]

Signing off...

Hello! I want to start this post by telling you guys something really interesting...

Tl;dr: I'm taking a break for a month due to severe stress and performance anxiety, plus college and work is kicking me in the arse, but do send requests and prompts in because I need to write them FLUFF to get rid of the stress. Love ya!

So a month ago I stumbled upon a really amazing writer here on tumblr dearest, and I immediately fell in love with their work. It was so well written, and I couldn't comprehend the fact that it was the first ever story they've ever written and they wrote it under such circumstances that if I were to be put in their position, I can guarantee I wouldn't even be able to string a coherent sentence.

Anyway, that really got me thinking.

It's been two months since I first started writing, and revisiting old works of mine reveals something along the lines of "I'm not improving," and "I'm not creative."

It's been a problem I seem to notice, is that I struggle a lot with characterization (ESPECIALLY this) and pacing, among other things that makes me view my works mostly as blegh.

I know comparing is probably not the best way to develop, and I wouldn't say I'm envious of people's talents (because it's obvious some people are just so great at stuff lmao) but it's more like I'm disappointed in myself I guess(?)

In the collective 20 works that I've published over the two months, I still can't fully grasp what works and what doesn't with the Fandom, and I can't quite identify nor fix the problems in my writings. Combined with the burn out, this makes writing a very painful process for me even though I really want to enjoy it.

I rely very heavily on external validations and to see that in the midst of the dead Fandom (when compared to when it's at its peak), people can still garner almost 1k notes in the span of a week (and I can see why it's very well loved), posting here just makes me so stressed when I shouldn't even be.

It got so bad to the point I have trouble breathing every time I think about writing, and although now it doesn't happen as often, the performance anxiety is pretty much there.

Work, as well as college too has been a pretty great contributor for my stress and to put writing on top of that is just excruciating for me.

And that's why I'm taking a break!

It'll probably a month break like how I've stated in previous post, because it's become apparent I need rest LMAO

Thank you so much for the support you guys have shown and sent my way, I want to say that I really appreciate it! Honestly I wouldn't get this far without you guys, I love you so much!

I've set some reblogs for other creator's works while I'm gone, because I've been meaning to read but I just haven't found the opportunity for it. People here make such great works <3

If you guys have any requests, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO SEND THEM IN. I know this might feel contradictory but as I pointed out, I'm not really imaginative or creative, and I really want to write things, but most of the time I cant come up with anything or what I think is good isn't what you guys want (I know I still have a bunch of requests sitting around, but like I said I write when inspiration struck me).

So yes, send requests in so that I can do some writing during the break, and hopefully come back with a bunch of requests already done and ready to post!

Also, if you guys make it this far, I've got a surprise for you which is I'm finally trying to work on the series I've been planning to do since January HAHA! We'll have to see where it takes me but right now I have so much ideas running around in my brain and not enough waking hour in the day to develop and write it.

How do you guys feel about lord crime v.s. master detective trope BECAUSE I AM CRAZY ABOUT IT.

I'll see you guys when I do :) Love you! ❤

Special thanks to:

@missmonsters2 and @robiin-buckley for being the people who literally BURNS my heart with the desire and give me the courage to write, I wouldn’t be here without you 🥺💘

@ocyrus for being my first ever anon, I cannot stress how much I owe you <3

@tulipsbymybed for hyping me up when I first started and when I thought my work is a shitshow.

@vorsdanysstuff for being the first person to reblog my stuff and says some very very nice things about it and gave me more confidence to write, and also. For finding me and being the love of my life. I treasure you with my whole being.

@wol-fica for feeding me with cat pictures and being my lovely wife who misses me when I'm gone and makes picrews of us together, I love you so much 💓

@maryannecrimsworth for noticing my username and for loving my blogs questionable aesthetic, and for talking to me about dystopia and being my favorite lil bro!

@cursedchar for being the awkward mutual at first but now we spew chaos every where and every time we talk and interact. Honestly, you bring the wild side in me out to the world. Still hate your angsty stuff tho.

@tundra1029 FOR BEING THE ICON THAT GIVES GOOD ASS AMAZING PROMPTS and being a super lovely person and a great writer, I love you buddy <3

@alexkolax for well. You know me the most out of everyone in this site. My respect and trust for you is through the roof and cannot be expressed with mere words. Thank you for being here, Lex.

@ricosnumber1fan for being there in most of my works. I still think about you and scroll through your comments and reblogs. You're the best (second to sourdough tho).

@theflamboyantshadow for always leaving amazing comments under my posts, you are the sweetest person ever and I really wish you a great fucking life. Love you.

@iamnicodemus for writing that dragon Wednesday fic... and LEAVING THE MOST FLATTERING REBLOGS. ILYSM AND. you always make me smile when I think of you LMAO

@literally everybody else who've single handedly kept me alive and well on this site, I appreciate all your little asks, reblogs, comments, likes, and just UGH my heart aches for every single one of you.

Pray I return soon.

[rontra]

i know yr abt the girlfailure teachers rn but do u perchance have any more thots on that rhea and edelgard comic from a bit ago where Edie said she needed a healer and woke up rhea??

are you ready for a long ass post? because this is a VERY! LONG! POST!

tl;dr yes i have a fair amount of thots, and theyre all serial-numbers-filed-off chop-and-screw-it final fantasy fourteen thots. i will recap that first, and then the AU itself (final warning for Long Post)

enjoy (or avert thine eyes. it's up to you)

oh, yeah! so that au (tagged "SETR" because they can't resist an unreadable acronym tag*) began with mostly just riffing on the Scholar job quests from final fantasy 14 before veering off in order to separate from "being in ff14" (<- i simply don't feel like keeping up with all that) (<- he's just now getting to stormblood). so it's pretty much a crossover where one half of the cross had its serial numbers filed off HAHA

so obviously people who are familiar with ff14 SCH lore have a head start on this one, but let's see…from the top, let's TL;DR the stuff from the game proper:

in ff14, Scholar is a type of healer you can play. lorewise, the original scholars belonged to an ancient civilization that fell centuries before the game begins, so their art is completely extinct and lost. but back in the day, their like, marine city-state nation was at Big Magic War with a couple others (bigger nations with stronger/more plentiful mages). their smaller nation's sorcerers, too precious and few in number to risk putting on the front lines, took up dual duty to serve as both healers and tacticians/commanders. to that end, they learned to form pacts with faeries; relying on these familiars to act as their co-healers, the casters were able to give more of their focus to Studying The Art Of War (and were given the new title of Scholar for their big brain tactical caster schemes)

however, this nation and their brilliant military tacticians were wiped out by calamities (the Big Mage War they were involved in ended in huge colossal devastating floods and stuff) and their arts lay forgotten……until centuries later as [PLAYER CHARACTER] gets involved…. because of course you do <3 that's not really important though

what IS important is that at the tail end of this civilization's existence, they also had to juggle a Fucked Up Arcane Plague that one of their enemies strategically infected them with. the plague ("green death", or simply the "sickness from the sea") transformed the people into monsters and more or less demolished the standing army. the mutant plague was contained by quarantining the infected behind magical wards, but attempts to find an actual cure were unsuccessful. tormented by their prolonged isolation and the outside world's rejection of them, the plague's victims gradually became consumed with resentment, eventually depriving them of all reason. after the calamitous floods, the sealed temple--protected by its warding spells--has remained intact, but lays submerged. its transformed population has been trapped inside, alive, for centuries. yikes!

(gameplay wise, what this means is basically you have a fairy pet from the bygone era who automatically casts a basic healing spell called Embrace whenever you or anyone in your party is missing HP (<- in easy content she can sometimes do your job by herself which is very funny) and also, there's a dungeon full of monsters you feel kinda bad about killing)

the main important materials here for us are the "ancient civilization" aspect, the familiar/caster bond, and the simultaneous war/plague problem . <- list of ingredients to add some 3H sauce on

(

*here's the connecting tissue that got us from A (ffxiv) to B (fe3h)

my funny NPC retainer in the game is an au'ra woman named au'rhea (here is a pic of her). she does my banking and sells wares for me. beautiful dragon woman

while dicking around with glamourer i accidentally disguised my character as au'rhea. it was rly funny to see her running around doing stuff for once (because retainer NPCs normally Just Stand There)

i (scholar main) started glamouring my fairy to look like au'rhea so i could drag her with me on adventures (she does not get paid for this extra work)

scholar fairies can't be glamoured in this way so i had to use the ingame petglamour function to change mine into a carbuncle first. i chose topaz carbuncle because yellow is cool

somehow in the intersection between everything that's going on with my game at this point, the log window begins referring to this entity as "Topaz Au'rhea"

the groupchat starts making jokes about topaz au'rhea and scholar edelgard (apropos basically nothing). because it would be funny for rhea to run around getting super busy and stressed about keeping edie's health up while edie is aggroing every enemy on the map or whatever. you get it

Scholar Edelgard + Topaz Rhea. "SETR". incomprehensible? absolutely

)

----

so with all of that context out of the way,

this story is not set in the normal fodlan setting, so it's unclear what everyone's up to / what the current societal climate (and international relationships) of each country is (<- this would probably be ironed out if the AU was more fleshed out than it is)

adrestia and hresvelg's shared history is also a bit different, namely due to incredibly heavy losses suffered during the war of heroes. after barely surviving the war with a devastating pyrrhic victory, the newborn adrestian empire was probably uh not powerful enough to rise up and control all of fódlan lmao

without the support of either seiros OR any big Ws to pick them back up, they're probably still a smaller country (and . maybe not really an "empire" since…idk if they have the means to take and control several territories unless they 1) made a Huge Recovery since then and 2) nobody else on the continent minded that sudden expansion enough to corral them back into their pen HSBHFDF)

^im spitballing here, obviously this would also get ironed out more thoughtfully if i did more work. but that's kind of the vibe it has atm. like idk how big they would be without any strong Ws, without seiros, and without the church

it would also be an AU where there is no empire-church war to fuss around with (due to the absence of. well. the church of seiros--at least in its canon form) and rhea is not a figure in anyone's lives at all, so edie's list of priorities is much different

however because she is still an edelgard and it's important to her swag, her predicted life span is incredibly short due to an Evil Blood Curse(TM) woven in her childhood by the ancient enemies of her family (the nefarious slitherers…)

her condition is unheard of and utterly arcane to adrestia's mages and healers, and attempts to reverse its effects have been futile

after finishing up whatever other shit she had going on in this AU (<-???) (again, would be fleshed out if i had more than 1 post in the SETR tag lol), with no big wars or anything on her docket, she's already free to pursue leads on how to remedy her situation and possibly brighten her prognosis

in a handful of surviving archives private to the hresvelg family, wilhelm I wrote about the old pre-"adrestia" hresvelg territory, the war of heroes, and the allies that shored up the first army's faltering strength

he also made notes about their enemy's tactics, which included sending Curséd Plagues Most Foul, a tactic that all but demolished the pre-adrestian forces

it's not much but it's the best lead anyone's got at this point

wilhelm occasionally referenced his contemporaries' progress in combating these arcane plagues

this and the war combined take up more than 100% of their resources. they are working at a noticeable deficit, war is going rapidly downhill, and wilhelm's notes become more fragmented as the situation becomes increasingly unsustainable and dire

around this time, he also writes about mages forming pacts with "[word untranslatable to modern fódlan languages]" (but edie uses context clues to figure out it's some kind of magic familiar or something) to aid them, primarily in healing

while much of his text is either obliquely phrased or just straight up faded by time, he does pass down a swaggy amulet to his descendants, which is now in edie's possession (the "crest of seiros", if you can believe it)

edie starts investigating, referencing the texts for Important Places To Search For More Clues. starting with a place wilhelm wrote about very often: the last standing stronghold of the first hresvelg army and their allies

the red canyon.

the ruins there are thousands of years old and entirely forgotten by time. but one stubborn emperor (or whatever her title would be) is determined to search every inch of Old Fódlan for Curse Clues

deep in the lost ruins of zanado is a warded sanctum, still protected by an ancient spell. according to wilhelm the first, this was the very last and most hidden warded zone in the red canyon, erected in absolute secrecy just before their forces left the canyon for the final battle at the tailtean plains

the warded zone was left behind to protect the victims of the plague and keep the curse quarantined while the few remaining mages continued working on a remedy

despite the ward still being active, it has grown quite weak and allows edelgard to pass through (likely due to her blood connection to big wilhelm)

exploring deep into the warded zone, she finds it pristinely safe but utterly untouched for god knows how long. eerily quiet, preserved in time but abandoned by it…

at the heart of the warding spell is its caster, who edelgard initially mistakes for a human mage but quickly realized is the "familiar" wilhelm wrote about. she is Not in fact a funny heehoo imp of some kind, but in fact, a tall as fuck , Whole Ass Woman

(the untranslatable word in wilhelm's writing on the topic was obviously nabatean, a proper noun, the long-forgotten name of a people who once lived alongside humanity but were wiped out)

(the nabateans, few in number but possessing astonishing magicks, invited the battered army to take shelter in what remained of the nabateans' home in zanado. wanting to help beat the agarthans back, they offered to join their own power with humans in "pacts"--special contracts between a human mage and a nabatean caster that was beneficial for both partners and allowed them to work in great synergy)

(the pact magic, innovated by the nabateans, greatly enhances the human mage's capabilities, and imparts a certain degree of mutual mind-to-mind awareness of their partner, which the two can use to strategically coordinate their movements. although very few were left alive at this stage of the war, the nabateans were extremely powerful and could flex into any role on the battlefield--but they were also greatly prized in the sick bays and quarantine zones for their potent healing magic)

(the tactical advantage of pairing a war mage and a nabatean caster is credited by wilhelm as the key to many victories that would otherwise have been crushing defeats. also, the remaining nabateans had a vested interest in allying up to beat the agarthans down, as this was their ancient enemy who recently laid waste to the red canyon and decimated most of their population--and was about to conquer humanity as dessert)

wilhelm, the leader of the hresvelg army, formed a pact with the leader of the nabateans . the two of them combined were a force to be reckoned with (excelling in both tactics and raw force, but also defensive maneuvers), but due to how thinly stretched their manpower and resources were, the two commanders were forced to part ways at the very end. one commander was to depart with their army and finish the war, and the other was entrusted with staying back to defend zanado and keep their most vulnerable people safe

for thousands of years, rhea has been casting the same spell, maintaining the final barrier around the sanctum. the plan was for wilhelm and his (hopefully victorious) army to return here, but that uh, did not happen, due to him and his forces being annihilated in the massive effort it took to bring the war to an end

and it did end. only barely. wilhelm's descendants and whoever was left of their supporters founded adrestia proper and continued the hresvelg line into the future, but big wilhelm was absolutely dead and never came back and neither did anyone else sorry

anyway.

edelgard knows that this woman is one of the healers who were working directly on the Curse Problems back in ancient times, and is hoping she will know a solution to the "wretched curse is killing me" problem

the crest of seiros edie carries breaks the centuries-long casting trance and wakes rhea up

the first words out of her mouth are, in essence, WILHELM THANK FUCK YOU'RE BACK, DID WE DO IT? DID WE WIN?

(edelgard voice) erm about that

she basically has to explain to rhea that the last thing she remembers before beginning her Long Watch was, in fact, thousands of years ago, and that wilhelm and everybody else she knew is dead (on top of all the nabateans and allies rhea already knew were dead ofc). the world did manage to survive the war thanks to their efforts, but that's like, the one positive note in all this, lol

rhea understandably distraught and more than a little bit overwhelmed

also quite at a loss for what to do, being a magic guy from an era that in its entirety doesn't exist anymore (and hasn't existed for a very long time)

for all she or edie knows, she might be the very last of her kind (since all records are lost, wilhelm's notes obviously stop kind of abruptly, and no one's heard anything in the millennia since then)

obviously the amount of time that has passed means the people she was holding the ward for are also long gone. she's pretty devastated about that too as they're going through the sanctum and quarantined zone

edelgard trying to tactfully rummage around for clues for her own problem while the big lady spirals

i straight up feel like one of those plants that evolved for a type of bee that doesn't exist anymore

however rhea sadly must return the favor when edelgard is like. so you guys had this curse problem. and you were a very prominent commander/healer at the time. it so happens that i have curse problem. what is the solution to curse problem. i need it badly

and rhea is forced to be like . well we very much did not solve curse problem in my time. sorry. i don't know it. i don't have the solution. we didn't find it in time before our whole shit collapsed

so it's really bad news all around

but because edelgard is wilhelm's blood descendant and has used the crest of seiros (which marks the pact between wilhelm('s blood) and the nabatean rhea), they are pact-partners now, Just Like Old Fódlan Used To Make

rhea can't crack Terminal Blood Curse right now, but she does have a lot of knowledge about it and its course/symptoms (and she can confirm edelgard's problem as being The Very Same Indeed)

she feels pretty strongly about finishing her work, and is suddenly edelgard's funny pact partner, and third of all has Nowhere Else To Go And Everything She Knew Is Gone--so she says she'll help lmao

edelgard is more or less used to not finding concrete answers to her curse problem at this point given the difficulty level of this investigation. so she p much just moves on to the next lead on her checklist. gotta keep it moving if she's gonna crack this thing in time

road trip!

rhea basically provides her with palliative care while they look for ways to break the curse. she does feel noticeably better with a more specialized healer (<- kind of an understatement) and it is buying her more time to work with which is good

strangers separated by millennia of history but slowly bonding!

maybe on the way they'll also root out the bitches who put the curse on her to begin with

if you are out there slithering in the dark. you better not be

finally,

edelgard is a big axe guy. she does not do healing magic. she is basically face-tanking everything and rhea is so busy casting heals and shields she barely has time to do any DPS of her own

im sure they run into other characters n stuff on their funny road trip too but that all is the basic concept

(rhea voice) i'll Embrace but christ alive

[dandylovesturtles]

OKAY sorry to send two asks in a row (and sorry to send a picture instead of copy and paste, my c&p isnt working well for some reason?) but this part is. Also my favourite.

Haha no worries!

AH YES the Brains and Brawn floor cuddles + Leo Rejection Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. I'm sensing a theme with these asks lol.

"Donnie!" Raph hurried over, reaching out for him.

"Raph, I don't think that's-"

He put his hand on Donnie's shoulder, and Leo watched as Donnie sagged into the touch. Raph knelt, getting in close, and Donnie slumped so he was resting his head on Raph's plastron.

"I gotcha, Donnie," said Raph softly, stroking his arm. "You're good, you're good. Just breathe."

Donnie hasn't been okay this whole fic, but he's especially not okay right now. And with everything going on, Raph and Donnie haven't really had time to work out that big blowout fight that happened between them. Sure, Leo bullied them into apologizing, and they both meant what they said. But they still haven't really had a time to fully work through what happened with just them, without meddling from Leo and Mikey.

Donnie's dealing with a mix of guilt and the leftover adrenaline of "I almost committed murder for real" and he needs help right now. Donnie seems to distance himself from Raph's babying more than the others, but at the end of the day that's still his big brother, and Donnie is still going to go to him when he needs just the right brand of comforting that only his big bro can provide.

After everything is over, Raph and Donnie are definitely going to take some time to properly mend their relationship back up. Not that it was ever truly broken, of course, but they need to have a real talk. But this is the first real overture between them: Raph will always be there when one of his little brothers is in trouble, and Donnie having the trust to let Raph in when he's this vulnerable is a big deal.

tl;dr it was really important to me that Raph be the one to comfort Donnie here. Too bad we don't actually get to know what they said because Leo didn't eavesdrop on their conversation haha

Leo stood stock still, watching his brothers cuddle on the medbay floor. Okay, so not all touch is bad. Just me.

But of course Leo is not in his brother's head and he doesn't know what all Donnie is thinking right now. And normally he might be clear-eyed about his brothers' various ways to know this isn't really a rejection of him, but he's been through so much that his brain isn't quite firing on all cylinders. He's making everything about himself again, which I don't mean as a criticism of him (he is really really not alright right now), just a fact.

Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to and it's not anyone's fault but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

It felt like the stab of a white hot knife.

I use this phrase way too often lol it makes me cringe seeing it here. This is why you get yourselves a beta, kids. Don't be like me.

"I'm gonna go..." Leo stopped, swallowed hard to banish the tremble in his voice. "I'm gonna check for any more damage to the lair."

Raph looked in the direction of his voice. "Wait, Leo-"

"I'll be right back," he promised, and was out of there before Raph could say anything more.

Run! Run from the bad feelings!

Poor Raph, he knows Leo isn't okay either but he can't just leave Donnie in the floor and it's not like he can clone himself! (Okay he can kinda clone himself but not in the way Leo needs right now, haha.) It'd be helpful if Mikey was here but Mikey is not. Cowabummer.

Leo does want Raph to stay and help Donnie. He knows Donnie needs that right now. And it's not like he even really needs to be the comforter over Raph; if Donnie hadn't pulled away from his touch earlier then he wouldn't be as upset by this now. But he's definitely feeling singled out right now.

Thanks for the ask!

[kingdoms-and-empires]

I chose the OP option (because I can't decide which stats I wanna focus on 😭) and I developed a little head canon to explain why my character is good at everything. In his former life he was less than OP. He was one of those people who have potential, but never applied himself, out of a mixture of laziness, procrastination, and a crippling fear of failure! When he died he was extremely disappointed in himself. He always figured that he'd pull himself together in the future, but now he's dead and he never achieved anything he wanted, other than gathering some useless facts (like maybe ancient technology such as the treadwheel crane perhaps 👀). When he got his second chance he decided he was gonna make full use of it. The instant he was able to comprehend the language of the world and was able to read, he'd sneak books and accelerate his education through reading things someone as young as him shouldn't understand. He also would go through physical training, again in secret, and watch the guards train in swordsmanship in hopes of picking something up. Since for years he had little to no responsibilities, and the mind of an adult, he has been able to devote almost all his time to developing his mind and body

TL;DR: my MC went from a procrastinator to a try hard and it payed off

Nice headcanon!

i think alot of people would be similar if they had their old memories and would give themselves a strong head start

Its really interesting to think about how you'd really act in a similar situation to the MC as you yourself.

The MC is canon to be "good" from the start, and its up to the player to choose how the MC progresses over time...honestly the best reincarnation works ive seen out there arent the traditional Isekai protag animes, its actually works that deal with a woman being reincarnated or isekai'd. Either a reincarnated villainess trope, or general isekai trope work, the ones with female leads are generally better in my opinion since it usually aint a power fantasy

Eh idk where i went with all this but it was fun to think about haha, so thanks!

Oh, some of my favorite anime that deal in reincarnation and isekai with female leads or kingdom simulators in general that do it well with male or female leads are these:

Fuuuuuck youre making me break out my old bookmarks and im seeing my mangas are now updated with new chapters...dozens of new chapters!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANNA STOP WRITING AND READ INSTEAD

This one has adorable art that I feel in love with as the MC starts as a baby lol, and the MC is competent, which is really nice

The MC is alright, she tries doing stuff to get out of shitty circumstances but the real highlight of the story are the titular Monster Duchess and her husband. Nooo idea how it is now but theres literally double the chapters now from where i left of and im so tempted to read lolololol

OMFGGGGG I FORGOT ABOUT THIS!! This is a fav of mine since it deals with the cinderella story! The MC is a reincarnated chick who plays as the evil stepmother in cinderella's story, but omfg its such a good twist on the trope and it really does alot of things well, and THERES SO MANY NEW CHAPTERSSSSSS

YOOOOOOOOOO I forgot this one too lmaoooo ima bad fan haha

Anyways, this is another great subversion of the reincarnating trope since the MC is on her THIRD reincarnated life, and she actually conquered EVERYTHING in her second life. But she got betrayed and killed by people and she said mannnnnn fuck this, ima get hitched with the dude who was nice to me in my old life and never asked for shit! And so begins a funny as romance story lol, GOD DAMN AND THEYRE ON THE SECOND SEASON NOOOOOOW

Someone either here or on Discord recommended this to me, and whoever did so, I love you! This is a weirdly realistic take on the historical figures of the Sengoku period having to deal with this weird girl who appears to have come out of nowhere but knows a bit of practical modern knowledge that helps Oda Nobunaga win some victories. Honestly, i really appreciate how grounded it is for a manga! The truth of the matter is, we really wouldnt be able to do that much if we were in her shoes either lol!

Bruhhhh when i tell you i squealed when i saw how many chapters this has now! Without a doubt, this is my favorite! The MC is hyper competent, she uses her femineity to her advantage and doesnt fight against it like other works do when they wanna show their female lead "isnt like other girls", and shes honestly such a joy to watch running circles around other people that screwed her over in her past life. Read this one for sure!!!!

Another competent female lead how got reincarnated and has to survive death flags by marrying one of the romance options, but the world system keeps screwing her over and its funny to see how she has to navigate trying to romance obviously shitty romance options who sound really hot (like the enemies to lovers trope would NOT be easy in real life lmao) or (the crazy mfer who makes you scared but horni)

Read this and then decide if you'd survive lol

AHGHGHGHHHH This is so good!!! Basically a girl has to become the stepmother to children how are close in age to her. She tries to do things her own way at first, but she dies. So she gets reincarnated and tries to do better the second time around. If you wanna read a good female lead doing introspection and learning from her past mistakes, read this. Its really good!

Alrighty. This is honestly a guilty pleasure, and should really be read after reading alot of villainess or female lead reincarnation manga to basically cleanse your palate with this funny ass story lol. Instead of playing by the rules of society like the previous stories, the main character does "not like other girls" very well and its enjoyable to watch lol! Use it once you get tired of the previously mentioned ones!

Annnnnnd that's it! Thank you for making me out myself lmaooooo

[cakebatteronabrickwall]

I don’t know whether I’m getting the wrong idea but I really got the impression in that scene that Shiv realised Roman had experienced some form of sexual abuse. I was never a supporter of that theory but I honestly can’t read that situation any differently. She’s clearly watching Roman’s reaction and lightbulbs go off in her head for whatever reason which leads her to ask the old guard how bad her dad actually was, and she and her brothers had experienced Logan’s emotional abuse and she witnessed Roman’s physical abuse so what else could it be?

Oh, anon, short answer is- I don't know.

But I'll give you a long one, too. (And I made the important bits bold, haha)

First of all, I'm also not really in support of the csa theory, mainly because it asks the viewer to do a lot of inbetween the lines reading, more so than Succession already does on the regular. Secondly, and I hope I don't sound like a dick, I find it a little bit too much. But. Considering that a) there are indeed hints + some cut stuff from the scripts implying it and b) Succession is inspired by "Festen" (and csa is sort of the topic of that film) it is not impossible. Most things in this show aren't impossible if you have a valid argument, which this theory does.

But you are asking me. Personally, "lightbulb moment" yes, 100% love that phrasing. What I think it is- like you said- is Shiv seeing her worst suspicions about abuse (emotional, physical, not sexual) reflected so clearly to her by Roman. Roman of all people, the one that always jokes and makes light of his own abuse and messy inner world. She is starting to connect the dots of bad childhood memories (one of which she just talked about in front of everyone and made it into a somewhat positive thing) and real impact. Like, we know getting yelled at for playing in front of the office might not be the end of that story, especially not for Roman's side but that is left open. But, I guess, Shiv would know. And she would know that there is a direct line from back then to how she sees her brother act and react now. I can't believe I'm saying it, but it's almost like Roman became a real person to her just now.

But she can't have those dots connect right now, because there is business to be done and a father to imitate while doing so. So, she goes to Frank and Karl, she knows they will give her an answer she can live with for now. I think Frank says something like "he was a tough old nut" but, unfortunatly, that other "what you see is what you get" comment is not at all what Shiv wanted to hear, since she did see all kinds of things and there is no good to balance it, not even from the old guard.

On a side note, I also find it interesting that the scene is shot in a way where the story seems to ask Shiv "Will you follow your brother for a real answer or go for the easy way out" and then, when even the easy way is not satisfactory, she doesn't try again. (I do so hope she tries again in the finale)

tl,dr: anon, you are not getting it wrong, i think there are many ways to read this and the ambiguous space that question exists in is exactly what makes it so haunting.

[bentosandbox]

better late than never amirite

i think i haven't posted july (cause I thought global would have released TBC by now...) or october (commission) on here/twitter hopefully i remember to sometime this year

bonus chen edition because well i guess she is my cringefail girlboss blorbo

bonus chenswire edition

bonus bonus extremely boring stuff

films i watched in 2022 (tragedy of macbeth out of picture because it was on the next row)

top 10 (in watched order not a 1-10 ranking)

Marketa Lazarova (1967) Friend was streaming it, liked the script so much I asked my friend for the srt file after Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) Rocks Petite Maman (2021) Personal Attack Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) :) My Life as a Zucchini (2016) Celine Sciamma truly don't miss Saturday Fiction (2019) It's not a 5/5 movie but...the soul... the period noir... Nope (2022) The Spectacle dot jpg Hands Over The City (1963) yes i watched this just before il siracusano Decision To Leave (2022) yuriyaoi straight romance can't elaborate Puss In Boots (2022) i'm so glad i didn't watch this as a kid i would have nightmares, but as an adult i got to see my traumas on the big screen yippee!!!

missed a local screening of My Broken Mariko because it only happened for ONE DAY fucking insane (I recommend reading the original manga it's so good)

Speaking of books hmm

Swordspoint yuriyaoi... Invisible Ink reread. and I think I need to reread again Fire & Blood read it after watching hotd ep 1 pretty good series btw dare i say even ...the best on-screen yaoiyuri of the year... Eagle Shooting/Condor Heroes Book 1 Not bad Water Margin Didn't I write a angry rant on this. rite of passage i guess...... How to Keep House While Drowning its funny because i WILL do chores......still good though What My Bones Know - insane how trauma can be so isolating yet universal lol A Wizard of Earthsea if only i read this instead of harry potter back then lmao wow

you can now basically psychoanalyse my issues from the last three books I think

Uhhhhhhh what else am I missing - oh yeah I did 3 gamejams this year (Art/Design and a liiiiiitle bit of trying to do the UI in Unity myself instead of giving the pngs to my friends)

my abysmal steam stats told me i only played 5 games this year so I need to get back my gamer license, backlog is like 75% VNs though what's up with that (there's only 4 games but. well)

had a really long blogpost (basically a 'look at all the things you did this year you didnt waste it' thing thus the above lists) but i think i'll just keep it to my notion notes lest this post becomes a traumadumping ground ecks dee tl;dr failed a Very Important (to me) Thing early 2022 that kind of shattered any crumb of self-esteem i had and made me question everything i did onwards (especially in regards to doujin stuff) and then basically physical health issues affecting mental health and vice versa which is fun but fuck it we ball.....(try)

don't really have any solid 'resolutions' (that i would remember to do) other than to 'live' more than just 'survive' as edgy as that sounds 🥴oh wait oc zine yea yea and go into illustration full time h-haha........... should really get around to making a patreon/fanbox but i really hate the idea of paywalling

also signed up for a AK doujin event in Nagoya in March so I now have a very heavy motivation to finish the second half of my LGD doujin and hopefully I get to table at AX too dot dot dot

[tickly-trashcan]

hey guys haha i have a kind of announcement thingy... it is not sunshine and rainbows unfortunately orz

(there will be a tl;dr at the end if yall dont wanna read all my random thoughts lol)

i am going to just be completely honest. i don't really want to write anymore. at least not on this blog...

i know that i have requests but i really have been struggling with... everything!! i just graduated and that was like a punch in the face because everything that i've been feeling for months really became... real??? like i thought i had just been hallucinating all the really bad feelings but it was real!!!

i've been lacking motivation with writing, and every time ive sat down to write i feel bad and terrible and it really is an awful feeling and i'm sick of it... and even when im not writing my silly goof tickle fics those feelings somehow creep into my brain and it's been making it really hard for me to write anything that ive enjoyed.

so... i think what im trying to say... is that i'm going to stop writing for this blog. it isn't because of anyone, i think that its just because ive been doing it for so long that it's become a genuine stresser for me, and i think that by separating myself from this blog, it'll be much easier for me to... exist!

i could go into a LOT more details about how ive been feeling but i really dont want to go too crazy since i am... on the internet lolol but i think that it would be better for me to not write anymore.

so what does this mean for this blog???

i'm not going to be deactivating this blog, and i'll make sure that all my links and such are up to date before i officially leave. I'm not going to like... sign out, and i'll still be active every now and then, but if you'd like to get my discord for any contact, please let me know! i'm not super active on discord right now either though, so please be aware of that lol

this blog is essentially going to be an archive. i'll go through my masterlists and update all of my other important posts, but otherwise, there probably won't be any new content from me.

I probably won't be active on ao3 either, but if you'd like to give my old works a peek as well, you're more than welcome. the link is right here if you're interested!

there's still some stuff that i'm working out as well in my personal life and in cleaning up some loose ends on this blog, so if i take a little bit in responding to anyone, that's why. i'm sorry this is kind of a bleak little post, but i really can't do it anymore.

to everyone who sent in a request in the last round of prompts, thank you so much because it really did make me excited, but i'm not going to be able to complete them... i really appreciate every single one of you, and i hope you can forgive me orz

TL;DR

I'm really really tired and have had a lot of negative feelings for a really long time, and I think that leaving this blog in terms of writing will be best for me in the long run. There will be no more new content from me, but I might still remain active with communications if I can. I'll be updating my blog until it's good enough to leave, and then I will no longer be a content creator.

(sorry that tl;dr sounds more negative than the rest of my post LOL i'm really fine i just... i need to rip the bandaid off and just... be done)

[linagram]

[ 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚊𝚜𝚊𝚔𝚒 𝚊𝚒𝚖𝚒'𝚜 𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚏𝚘𝚛

HHHHHHH THIS IS AN INTERESTING ONE TO ME. i'm really curious about what's her verdict gonna be this time, because i feel like her behavior is kind of.. like, it's not suspicious, but it surely makes you think, and also there were some implications in akio's birthday tl conversation.

Warnings for Aimi's VD: Akio's injury is mentioned again and there's a description of his suicide attempt.

Warnings for Aimi's MV: Her MV shows Aimi being bullied again and there are also mentions of blood.

(the door opens)

Aimi: ...

Miki: H-hello, Hanasaki-san.

Aimi: ...

Miki: Um.. 

Miki: Aimi-chan?

Aimi: Ah, hello, Guard 002-san! I'm so happy to see you!

Aimi: .. You too, Guard 001-san.

Eiji: "She surely has her favorites."

Aimi: So.. Are you going to interrogate us in person today?

Eiji: Of course we are. What kind of question is that?

Aimi: But didn't you-

Aimi: .. Sorry, that's probably just me being silly, haha.

Miki: "Didn't Miyagawa-san ask us something about this interrogation too?"

Aimi: You probably still have a lot of questions about.. uh..

Aimi: Well.. my crime.

Eiji: *sits down* We sure do.

Aimi: Well, ask me anything you want then! I promise to cooperate.

Miki: *sits down too* B-but can I ask you about how's your life in Milgram been going first?

Aimi: *nods* Sure! 

Aimi: Um, what exactly do you want to know?

Miki: How are you feeling? Is everything okay?

Eiji: "She was voted innocent, of course, everything is okay for her."

Aimi: .. I think that depends on what exactly we're talking about, haha.

Aimi: Like, I really like my new hairstyle and I'm glad that I'm doing overall better now.

Aimi: Look at this! No bandaids or bandages at all, hehe~

Eiji: ".. I feel like she's trying to make me angry on purpose."

Aimi: But also.. 

Aimi: .. The guilty prisoners.

Miki: Y-yeah..

Aimi: Let me guess, you want to know more about my relationship with Akio-kun? 

Miki: H-how did you-

Aimi: Well, everyone finds it kinda weird. Sure, you could often see us together before, but..

Aimi: .. I knew that Akio-kun actually doesn't enjoy my company that much.

Aimi: He agreed to hang out with me only when I told him that Riku-kun will be there too. 

Aimi: But now.. Akio-kun can't do anything without me.

Miki: .. You're the only person in this prison who actually feels sorry for him and tries to help him. Of course, he likes you a lot now.

Aimi: *laughs* You're right, you're right.

Eiji: .. Hey.

Eiji: Why are you helping him anyway?

Aimi: Hm? But isn't that.. a good thing?

Aimi: I couldn't just let him die, you know?

Aimi: When I heard what Riku-kun had said to him.. I knew that if I won't interfere, it's gonna be the end for Akio-kun.

Aimi: Akio-kun tries really hard to make everyone believe that he's so cool and strong, but deep inside he's actually a huge softie, you know?

Aimi: A-and I don't mean it in a bad way! I'm not exactly the strongest person either.

Aimi: .. I'm the weakest person in this prison, honestly.

Aimi: So.. I knew that Akio-kun likes Riku-kun a lot. I can't imagine how painful it was for him to hear those words from someone he liked so much..

Aimi: So when everyone had left, I went to check up on Akio-kun and..

Aimi: There he was. Beating his head against the wall. Crying and repeating something over and over.

Aimi: There already was some blood on the wall too. 

Aimi: The cell door wasn't closed for some reason, so I instantly ran there and stopped him before it was too late.

Aimi: Maybe one of you forgot to close it?.. I-I'm not blaming you or anything! I mean, if it wasn't for that door, I wouldn't have been able to stop him.

Eiji: .. Hey, Guard 002, wasn't it your turn to check if everyone's cells are closed that night?

Miki: N-not now, Eiji-san.

Aimi: And he just.. I don't know, after that night, he quickly became attached to me.

Aimi: We get along so well now! I help him when he needs to walk somewhere, I make sure he doesn't forget to eat, I read his books out loud to him too. 

Aimi: .. He's going to be forgiven this time, right?

Eiji: Huh?

Aimi: I mean.. If you vote him guilty for the second time, you're also going to punish him again, right?

Eiji: Of course, that's what I do to all the guilty prisoners-

Aimi: Guard 001-san, just so you know, I respect you a lot, but also..

Aimi: This guy is going to die if you even try to do something to him again.

Aimi: And I won't be there to save him. 

Aimi: .. Or is that exactly what you want to do? Do you want to kill him before the third trial even starts?

Eiji: .. Y-you're sure more confident now, aren't you?

Aimi: This isn't about confidence, Guard 001-san. I'm just stating the obvious.

Eiji: Are you implying that I'm dumb-

Miki: She's right, Eiji-san. If you try to punish Miyagawa-san again, he will die. 

Miki: Or.. he's going to do something bad to himself again.

Eiji: .. It's not my problem if he dies.

Aimi: Really? I think it will be your problem if he dies.

Aimi: He will die from your own hands then. You will become a murderer. You will become the kind of person you hate so much, isn't that terrifying?

Aimi: *laughs* To be honest, when I saw what you did to the guilty prisoners, I thought that you're way too experienced for something like that.

Aimi: .. It's like you really had murdered someone in the past.

Eiji: !

Eiji: *gets up*

Eiji: What did you say?..

Miki: Eiji-san, sit down.

Aimi: Guard 001-san, aren't you tired of getting angry so easily all the time?

Aimi: Don't you think that's kind of.. unprofessional?

Eiji: .. What is wrong with you?

Eiji: What, you think you can act like that just because you've finally made one friend in this place?

Eiji: Akio hated you before all of this, you know? You're just using him to feel better about yourself, aren't you?

Miki: I SAID SIT DOWN!

Eiji: ...

Eiji: B-but, Guard 002-

Miki: Now.

Eiji: ... *sits down*

Aimi: Thank you, Guard 002-san.

Miki: (to Eiji) *whispering* Why are you acting like this, Eiji-san?

Eiji: *whispering* I.. She's acting way too-

Miki: *whispering* I'm sorry, Eiji-san, but I think you've crossed the line this time.

Eiji: W-what?

Aimi: Now, about me being friends with Akio-kun.

Aimi: I'm just helping him because I don't want to see him in pain.

Aimi: I'm doing this because this is what I wanted someone to do back when I was.. 

Aimi: .. Bullied.

Miki: .. S-so you're admitting that your classmates never were your friends after all?

Aimi: *nods*

Aimi: I really didn't want to believe it, even though that's exactly the reason why I.. agreed to that, but after I was done with my murder, something in my brain just couldn't let me fully accept it. 

Aimi: I still wanted to believe that they were my friends. I still wanted to believe that they actually liked me.

Eiji: .. "Agreed to that"?

Miki: That is so understandable. I'm glad that you've finally realized that you deserve to be treated better.

Aimi: Hehe, thank you.. I like you a lot, Guard 002-san.

Miki: I-I have one more question, if that's okay.

Miki: .. I don't know if it's just me, but I've noticed that you don't really talk to anyone except Miyagawa-san anymore. Is there any particular reason for that?

Aimi: .. Ah, about that. 

Eiji: Actually, yeah, I want to know about that too.

Eiji: ".. That's interesting. Maybe she really is using Akio because he's so vulnerable right now, but I've never seen her try and talk to Yurika or Kei."

Eiji: "At the same time that's understandable, but still.. Why isn't she trying to help them too if they're also in pain?"

Aimi: .. I love everyone here. I really do.

Aimi: Even you, Guard 001-san, haha.

Aimi: I knew from the start that every single prisoner here is a murderer. Of course I knew that.

Aimi: But I still wanted all of them to be forgiven. I believed that all of them deserve to be voted innocent. I didn't know much about their crimes, but something was telling me that they deserve to be saved.

Aimi: But now.. I'm not so sure anymore.

Aimi: The way everyone is acting now scares me. I don't think I can trust them.

Aimi: Yes, some of them had acted like that even before their verdicts were announced, but it felt different. 

Aimi: The way Shun-san and Eiko-san treat Kei-san now is terrible. Naomi-san helps me with taking care of Akio-kun, but I still think she's suspicious. Asahi-kun is acting even worse than before and there's nothing cute about his behavior. And do I even have to explain why I don't talk to Riku-kun anymore?

Aimi: Reina-san is fine, but I still prefer to avoid her.

Aimi: And I feel sorry for Kei-san and Yurika-san, but also..

Eiji: .. You think they deserved to be punished?

Aimi: What? N-no!

Aimi: It's just.. Sometimes I look at them and go: "I can see why you were voted guilty".

Eiji: Do you think they should be voted guilty this time too?

Aimi: .. Isn't that for you to decide?

Eiji: Didn't you want us to forgive Akio though?

Aimi: And it's still for you to decide. I just said that if you punish him again, he'll die. The choice is still yours, isn't it?

Eiji: So.. You don't talk to them anymore because they aren't as "good" as you imagined them to be?

Eiji: .. *laughs*

Eiji: Wow, that's messed up.

Miki: I-if she thinks they're too dangerous, then it's okay-

Aimi: Hey, Guard 001-san.

Aimi: .. If I was voted guilty, don't you think that at least one of those prisoners would treat me differently?

Aimi: And yes, I know that Akio-kun could bully me too if he was voted innocent. But I expected that from him, I knew that he doesn't like me anyway.

Aimi: .. I feel like most of these prisoners have only pretended to like me. And they still do.

Aimi: It's only natural for me to avoid them, right?

Eiji: Still, don't you think that's kind of-

Aimi: (in a deeper voice) Guard 001-san, are you saying that I should be friends with people who would have killed me if given the chance? Thanks, but I don't want to go through all that shit again.

Eiji: ...

Eiji: ".. What was that just now?"

Aimi: (back to her normal voice) Anyway, so, now we have to talk about my crime, right? I don't think we have much time left too..

Miki: Right.. So, about your crime..

Eiji: What did you agree to, Aimi? 

Eiji: You had an accomplice, didn't you?

Aimi: ...

Eiji: "I was told that it would be nice if all of them just died". Who told you that?

Aimi: .. Haha.. 

Aimi: I guess it's okay for me to say that I did have an accomplice.

Aimi: Actually, I'm not sure which crime of mine we're talking about.

Eiji and Miki: Huh??

Aimi: I-It's just that I'm not sure if that crime can be considered.. something that I did. 

Aimi: So.. I'm just going to talk about what I consider my crime.

Aimi: If we're talking about my crime, then no, I did everything without anyone's help. If we're talking about what happened before, it was mostly my accomplice's doing.

Eiji: "I'm starting to see why Aimi and Akio get along so well."

Miki: T-this is getting confusing..

Miki: O-okay, let's go back to the topic of your crime. 

Miki: I just found something very weird.. So, you know we have to extract your video again after this, right?

Aimi: Yes, I do. I wonder what you will see this time..

Miki: The thing is.. We saw something very weird in your first video.

Miki: We saw this.. place.. It looked very familiar to me, but also it looked much more scary than I remember it being..

Aimi: !

Aimi: Ahaha.. I think I know what you're talking about..

Aimi: .. Do you think you saw an amusement park?

Miki: I think so?..

Miki: But why-

Aimi: .. Both crimes took place there.

Miki: .. What?

Eiji: Oh, we're finally getting somewhere.

Eiji: Why an amusement park though?

Aimi: W-well-

Eiji: Wait, it makes sense.

Eiji: You see, I just couldn't understand how and where your crime happened. Like, if your classmates were your victims.. 

Eiji: Did you blow up the whole school or something? But that would kill other people too..

Eiji: But how else could you make all of them gather up in one place?

Eiji: .. Maybe during a class trip?

Aimi: ...

Eiji: Answer. Now.

Aimi: .. M-my family owns it.

Aimi: I mean.. That park.

Miki: .. W-what??

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Miki: .. Oh no.

Aimi: Hehe, we really didn't have much time left, did we?..

Eiji: *gets up* Tell us about your accomplice right now.

Eiji: Who did you ask to help you?

Eiji: You didn't have any friends, right? So who could you-

Eiji: No friends.. 

Eiji: And your family owned that park..

Eiji: .. Your parents? No, you had only one accomplice, right?

Eiji: Was it your father? Your mother?

Eiji: Your grandmother? Your grandfather? Your older brother?

Eiji: JUST ANSWER ALREADY!

Miki: Aimi-chan, please!

Aimi: ...

Eiji: Whatever, we're just gonna see everything with our own eyes.

Eiji: Prisoner 002, Aimi, sing your sins!

Aimi: Oh well, he's dead anyway. 

42% ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░ 100%

[ MV Description ]

The video would have very pretty, soft and pastel colors, but more and more red and purple would appear closer to the end. 

The video takes place in an amusement park. 

Aimi's MV starts with Aimi's classmates running around, having fun and doing whatever they want meanwhile the girl herself just watches them. 

"It's okay, I just like seeing you so happy

It feels nice because you all are happy because of me and only me"

She also keeps looking somewhere, almost like she's waiting for someone to appear or she's looking for someone. 

She sees one of her classmates drop their ice cream on the ground and then they just walk over it. She comes closer and one of her classmates pushes her and she ends up falling and getting that ice cream on her face. While she's lying on the ground, another classmate "accidentally" spills their drink on Aimi and just walks past her. But the music is still fun and the colors are still cute.

"It's okay, it's okay, I keep repeating

I can take more, this is all just to make you happy"

However, Aimi's face expression changes and her eyes look more empty and she isn't smiling anymore. She clenches her fist, finally gets up and the chorus starts playing. She imagines everything being even more fun and bright and she imagines her classmates turning back and smiling, waiting for her to join them. She smiles back and runs to them, but when she's finally there, they're already gone and the colors start getting darker meanwhile the music becomes slower.

"No, something about this is wrong

Why am I the only one who's still not smiling?

What's the purpose, what's the meaning

Why should I be trying to make you happy while I'm the only one who's suffering?"

Her classmates go to check out the attractions and she still stands there, watching them. She can see some of them looking at her and talking to each other while laughing, obviously making fun of her. Her eyes become empty again and she reaches for something in her pocket. 

Suddenly one girl walks up to her and points to one of the rides. She asks Aimi something and takes her hand. Aimi gets very happy, she nods and goes to follow her, but then she stops, almost like she's just remembered something. Aimi lets her hand go and shakes her head. 

"Please don't say I'm bad for saying no to you

There's a reason why I don't trust anyone anymore"

The girl stands there for a second, but then gives Aimi a smile and leaves. Aimi continues to watch others having fun and now there's a drop of sweat running down her cheek. 

"It's okay, it's okay, I keep repeating

Even though everything is going to end soon

I promise you will remember this day as the most fun day of your life"

She shakes her head again and she looks around, like she's looking for someone again. She catches a glimpse of someone wearing the same mask from her T1 MV and calms down. The chorus plays again and we go back to soft and pastel colors and we can see Aimi's classmates getting on the ferris wheel, rollercoaster and other rides. All of them are smiling and laughing.

The chorus ends and the music becomes slower again. The sky's color suddenly turns red and the colors start becoming darker in general. Aimi looks nervous again, but she tries to stay positive and she sees a cute light blue balloon appearing out of nowhere. 

"Everything is going according to plan, there's no reason for me to worry

I trust you completely, I know you would never betray me"

She smiles and tries to touch it, but right as she does so, it pops and Aimi now has blood on her face and hands. She gets scared and turns around and sees that there are balloons everywhere. She is even more scared now and she tries to run away, but the balloons start popping for no reason at all and now everything around Aimi starts getting covered in blood. 

"I still trust you, I promise I won't lose faith

Everything is going according to plan, right?

What you had said to me wasn't a lie, please tell me it wasn't"

Now there's more blood on her as well. She trips and falls as another balloon pops right in front of her and when she looks down, she sees that she's lying on something. Or someone. She looks closer and it's very blurry, but you can clearly see that this person has the same hairstyle as the girl who wanted to spend time with Aimi earlier. But there's also too much blood. Aimi gets shocked and she covers her mouth. 

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry

I don't think this was a good idea"

She can't get up because of how scared she is and then suddenly, a mysterious figure appears in front of her.

That figure is wearing the mask from her T1 MV. It's hard to say anything about their appearance because of them wearing a dark cape that covers their whole body, but they're definitely taller and older than Aimi. They help her get up. Aimi carefully takes their hand and even though it looks like she knows this person and trusts them, she's still scared and she has no idea what's going on. Aimi asks them something and that figure just starts laughing and makes Aimi look at everything that's happening around her once again. Aimi sees that there are no balloons left and the whole park is ruined and it looks just like that scary place from her first MV. Aimi realizes something and it looks like she deeply regrets everything and she's about to cry. 

"Oh, I see, so it really was a lie

There's blood on my hands, there's blood on your hands

Both of us are sinners, both of us have "Guilty" written on our faces"

The figure takes her hand again and tries to calm her down. Aimi takes a deep breath and it looks like she's back to normal. She turns back to the figure and gives them a hug, which surprises them, but they hug her back too. 

"Well, maybe it's okay, maybe it's okay for me to repeat those words again

Maybe it's okay for us to be like this

I'm so sorry, I will never doubt you again

I promise, I will never say no to you" 

Now, the figure lets Aimi go for a second and it looks like they're about to take their mask off, but before they manage to do that, Aimi suddenly reveals that she had a pocket knife in her hand. 

"There's a reason why I don't trust anyone anymore

Yes, even you"

We can see from the figure's POV that Aimi is getting closer and closer to them (and us) and it looks like she has not the best intentions, but right after that we go back to Aimi's POV and.. It turns out that she still sees a balloon right in front of her. 

"Don't fool me with that mask of kindness ever again

If they won't send you to Hell, I will"

Aimi smiles and uses the knife on it and the video ends with a loud sound of the balloon popping and more blood getting on Aimi's face.