#today she’s upset me bc we went to market and came home

[strawbabycowboy]

i feel like im going crazy . im abt to start working full 40 hr weeks and my sister is not working anything rlly close to that. and yet i still do the brunt of the housework .

[survivor-north-sea]

Episode Eight: "May the odds be with me or not" - Esteban

Champagne

Ooooffff that tribal yikes, I’m really upset Brandi left bc I loved her but Bethany is always gonna be my true alliance and I never wanted to vote against my majority alliance but at least I made a power move🤪

Jayjay

*gasping for air* 👀 👀 👀 👀

Tyler Frazier

We just merged and guess what…I’m in an awful position! But that’s nothing new I’ve been in the same spot the entire game. I’m not on the bottom of one alliance I am on the bottom of 2! Actually I’m in neither of the majority alliances so that’s great! Plus I burned Raffy at the last tribal so I would not be shocked if he comes for me at this upcoming vote 🥰

Jayjay

Well that was a WILD tribal council. I didn’t think that a tromoya would flip right before merge but I’m not completely surprised. All I’m trying to figure out now is if my gut keeps telling me I’m Right about Raffy then it was him although I want so badly to be able to trust him! And if it was Brandi I’m glad she is gone. However my gut is really not letting me just go with the obvious and I’m thinking Champ or Raffy flipped. So either Champ is lying to Hairie and I and playing us. OR Raffy is really great at putting on a whole show and making us believe him to cover up his tracks. Either way I’m wary of both and only trust Hairie at this point.! On the bright side…. I made it to merge!!!! 🙏🏻🥹 🎉

Trinica

I picked the merge tribe name, another Survivor bucket list item crossed off! Tromoya's tribal was WILD and idk if it's my ADHD ass but I can't make head nor tails of what exactly happened or who's on whose side, so I'm excited to get the rundown from Bethany tomorrow. It seems like Raffy's in his feelings about folks not voting for Bethany and claimed he would flip at merge if they want to rocks, which is giving emotional player, which always makes me nervous. I like predictability and logic! But it is fun to watch, at least. Raffy actually seems really cool, I'd love to work with him. I just don't know if I could trust him.

I reached out to Tyler because Raffy shut him down with the QUICKNESS at tribal with his "I wasn't talking to you." It's the most Tyler's talked to me all game lol. I'm shocked that he stuck with Bethany and didn't flip, I apologize for saying there was no way he didn't immediately flip.

I'm honestly just exhausted today, I'm getting sick and just don't have energy to have multiple conversations AND work on this damn immunity challenge. I think I've already lost it to Raffy but I'm going to try my hardest because I wouldn't be surprised if AJ or I got targeted.

Hairie

This one is gonna be a STORY.

We lost the challenge and headed to tribal. I honestly didn't want Bethany to go and told her if she can get votes for Tyler we can push it through.

Being in a different timezone and all I was scared to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss out on strategising while the rest are up since its daytime for them but me knocking out minutes after !!!

An hour before tribal, I found out that my name is going around and for that reason I didn't want to sleep but didn't want to waste any more time so I got to scrambling and immediately told Jay I'll be 50/50 playing the idol tonight.

Come tribal .. It was a 4 votes Bethany and 4 votes for me and at this point I was internally screaming that I should have played the idol. Trusting the people that I stuck out for and a pretty insane tribal at that, the votes stayed the same after revoting and calling out each other and drawing the alliance lines right there and then, it was rocks. There seems to be a plan to go to rocks and in my head at this time was yelling Brandi flipped internally ( I could be wrong) but that was my judgement then. Rocks came and Brandi went home and if she did flipped, the rocks went our way and I still get to keep my idol.

I don't know who or how or when my name is being thrown around about me having an idol. I didn't have it only until recently at the market and that was by chance because Raffy didn't want the sweater.

Also kinda shocked Esteban called me out about not wanting to get to know him but I'm pretty sure I did though but all is good on that because it could be just how we interpreted the messages.

First individual immunity challenge was ... A LOT again screaming internally. (Takes a sip of coconut juice).

I was actually pretty shocked I found the first page pretty quick like I did 200-400 and then 111-199 then 900-999 and finally decided to go in the middle with 600 ... 617 Kaboom if I didn't had to prepare for work I would probably have located it in under an hour.

I screamed so many times during this challenge "Winterbell" "agar.io" and "2048" but the most difficult for me was the jigsaw puzzle , took me nearly 2 hours and then around 1 hour++ I checked back the Tumblr post and notice the image was right there smack in my face all this time MY GOODNESS.

Challenge made me feel all sorts of things > laugh, cry, scream, angry, frustrated but glad that it was over.

Getting to know the remaining casts as well and I like Trinica. Been getting to know a lot about her and some truths about Hidra and past tribal councils. She even gifted me a 10% advantage when she bought bread at the market. I do believe in good gestures and we can work together to vote out our targets if they don't win immunity.

and that's the tea from Hairie ~

AJ

So much has happened recently, it's super insane. Got my first tribal shoutout, ayyyyy. Seems like for the most part Raffy and Hairie want to work with me though so I'm not too worried about that all things considered. It seems like I could actually win this individual immunity, trying not to get my hopes up too high, better confessional will be up soonTyler FrazierTbh winning just is not my vibe this game. Like it’s just really not gonna happen. But that is okay! Here for a good time not a long one ig

Arvin Bentonon

1 hour left and I didn't even started the challenge. Huhu

Trinica

ESTEBAN!!!!! YOU LITTLE SNAKE!!!!!!! Miss me with the apology tour bullshit if you're going to turn around and tell Toni you're only apologizing to get me as a number and pick me off later! I keep thinking maybe he's changing his tune. But nope. an apology call after each backstab is smart gameplay, but only the first time my friend.

I want him O U T. But I'm about to play his game lol because I do need his vote at least for this first tribal. Tromoya might just win this because Hidra cannibalizes itself.

Raffy

Welp its been a fun ride, but I'm going home soon. No point in fighting the inevitable at this point lol. There really is no chance for this cocky bitch to win lmao. Everyone has already decided who I am for me. Can't change their opinions now.

Arvin Bentonon

Now, I really need to step up my game. This will serve as a wake up call for me to not take for granted individual immunities. I'm gonna fight til the end.

Trinica

I hope nobody is paying too much attention to the touchy subjects results because...it could kind of blow up my game. Not me getting 2 votes for closest ally!! I'm assuming it's Jinx and Toni BUT it's awkward because I didn't put either of them, and nobody put Toni. I think I can convince Jinx I put her if necessary, but I worry Toni will start feeling insecure in the vecepia alliance.

I also got a vote for who has an idol and who will win if they're not voted out , I honestly feel like both of those came from AJ because I voted her for both categories as well. We're playing Rusdian Roulette with this alliance (is that the right metaphor?)

Thankfully, she has 5 other people who think she's playing too hard. I think that result is what will pull attention, hopefully. Using AJ as a shield has always been the game plan, but she's making herself TOO much of a target at the moment.

Tyler Frazier

Raffy and Hairie are running a smear campaign on Esteban and I currently and Bethany is trying to defend us. Hope she does good work like the girlboss she is. However for me it’s just a bit odd for Hairie and Raffy to try and come for Esteban and I because what’s their argument? We know about the non mens alliance from them? They didn’t do whatever we wanted? We quite literally saved someone in their alliance when Bethany could have been a easy vote and would have made the merge a lot less messy. I hope that the 4 of them can see that and side with us and when it comes time to talk game I’m gonna make that clear to them aswell.

Esteban

First of all, my sincerity apology for not being able to play the challenge. It has been a long day. I hope this will not happen again (fingers cross)

So, Tony called me and told me about Raffy calling out my name and Tyler’s name. And it was confirmed by Bethany that Raffy really started to pulling the girls on his side. (Which I respect). But we will not backdown on this battle. I started talking to the HIDRA girls with exception of Jinx yet (as she might not available or just don’t wanna talk to me yet) and come clear and accepted my fault of calling their alliance out. I hope that would help. And I voting with Bethany should be a testimony that i wanna still work with them again until near end.

I hope with the backing of Toni and bethany that I will survive yet another tribal. But if not then no regrets, i played with my best and satisfied. Period. :)

And oh yes. Raffy started the war. So the only thing to do is to end it. May the odds be with me or not. :)

Jinx

merge jinxcast 🫶🏽💕 “i know i’m playing like a villain but i have a hero’s heart” https://voca.ro/1hdoVXSHz6HJ

i talk about where i’ve been, where i’m going, what weighs heavy and what could be better than i could even imagine. who i’ll be at the end of this journey and what does it mean to truly want something for yourself?

Toni

Theme: Struggle life.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this has been a relatively game for most of the returnees but the way my anxiety is set up. I’m anxious every tribal even though my name isn’t up.

I’m also currently on holiday with the family. So struggle life trying to participate.

Signing off struggling.

Trinica

It's possible I'm being blindsided but I really think I'm running this vote. Raffy seems to trust me, Hairie and Arvin put me into a chat together and seem to trust me, Esteban thinks I've bought his BS (unless Bethany told him otherwise). I told Raffy Esteban's saying his name, I told Esteban Raffy's saying he's spreading my name around. I suggested to both we vote for JayJay to flush out the idol that the other might have. It's just beautiful. Everything is working according to plan.

JayJay is a boring vote but one that will cement Hidra in the majority without me having to sacrifice these new alliances.

My only worry is Bethany, who I think at this point is much more aligned with Tyler and Esteban than she ever was with us. I don't trust her at all.

Raffy

The strategy this round has been kind of crazy. I’ve basically given myself over to AJ and Trinica. I have made it very clear and explicit to a few people that I want Esteban to be taken out of this game. I want him gone because I just don’t know if I can ever really trust him at this point. He’s a person who smiles to your face while they’re stabbing you in the back. I believe he never really had any intention in working with me. Also it’s interesting hearing AJ’s side of the story as it makes Esteban out to be the person who overplayed. Anyways, I want him gone. Trinica was very receptive at first, but idol paranoia is at an all time high. She wants to flush any idols Esteban may have so she suggested that we actually vote for JayJay so that he doesn’t see it coming. I feel bad because I know JayJay hasn’t been feeling well and I don’t want to seem like I’m betraying old Tromoya. However, Trinica also told me that JayJay told Bethany that I have an idol. That’s definitely suspicious. If whoever voted with Bethany last tribal wanted Tromoya never to work together or wanted us to take each other out because of paranoia, it worked. Because all last tribal managed to do was give Hidra numbers, Bethany power in this game, and Tromoya to not be unified coming into merge. Congrats to those people. So I’m very hesitant to trust that JayJay didn’t vote for Hairie. Especially considering that she was expressing extreme hesitance in voting for Bethany. I don’t who to trust anymore. I just want Esteban out of this game. I don’t know if I’ll use my idol because maybe I won’t even need it to succeed and will need it later. But, how can I trust anyone if they all just think im the biggest threat. This game is too hard. If only we could go back to the OG plan of voting Esteban

Tyler Frazier

I just felt like I should give a confessional but I honestly don’t know what to say because every plan I’ve been told makes absolutely no sense and nobody cares enough about me to actually ask and or consider how I think the vote should go. Tempted to take a nap and wake up before tribal and just ask who I’m supposed to vote.

-

Honestly I think this round alone makes survivor Gabon look like a master class in gameplay bc we are all just collectively as a cast not slaying gameplay wise. At least we aren’t a boring cast though!

Trinica

Jinx I am begging you.....I am BEGGING YOU............please stop throwing wrenches in the voting plan 3 hours before tribal. PLEASE

Bethany

okay honestly this round is the biggest hot mess i have ever seen in my entire life.

first off all - i fucking slayed that challenge so hard and for what??? i could have taken a nap in the middle of it and still won. literally slackers :yawn: can't wait to be targeted next round for being an immunity threat <33

second of all - WHY DO PEOPLE IN PINK VENOM STILL THINK THERE IS ANY SEMBLANCE OF SECRET ABOUT ITS EXISTENCE????????? it literally could not possibly be more exposed and it is so irritating trying to work around these random nonsense split vote plans

third of all - champ is such an annoying ally this game i seriously can't with her much longer. she is MIA 24/7, does not advocate for tyler and i in any way, has no clue what is going on, and overall is just not someone i want to work with at this point!! i think she would honestly be in a much better position if she had committed to flipping to us and not having all of us lie and pretend its BRANDI WHO LITERALLY SAID SHE DID NOT FLIP it is the most unbelievable story ever and irritating because like ..... what is the point???

at this point i want to be voted off before ftc because i can't even explain any of this. it is so messy for no reason. also not a fan of pink venom all being so buddy buddy with raffy all of a sudden! it's really pissing me off when the entire reason i was targeted was because god forbid i worked with them again come merge and now that is exactly what raffy is doing here! glad to know it's cool for him but not me! KASJDF;LKDJSFKDSAFJKLDSAJF i can't i can't i can't not a single soul is playing this round well except maybe arvin because that man has said not a peep and that's smart as fuck like you go little goat give us nothing!!! it's better than the rest of this!!

-

Champ acting like we can orchestrate an entire vote with only 3 of us 90 minutes before tribal <33 ma'am.

-

vibes of everyone this tribal:

AJ/Trinica - proposing crazy splits that don't add up mathematically, in denial about pink venom being a secret Toni - just vibes Arvin - who? Champ/Jayjay - clueless era Esteban - paranoid Hairie - no idea Jinx - in love with raffy Raffy - controlling everyone because they are sheep who believe anything they hear, king who needs to be taken out Tyler/I - lord help us

Tyler Frazier

I have had to take Tylenol two times today from the headaches I’ve gotten trying to figure out what’s happening tonight. Anyways I’ll be back when I know who I’m supposed to vote and I’ll probably still be confused and or annoyed

Bethany

not trinica calling an alliance with AJ in it the “non-chaotic” players

Tyler Frazier

I’m gonna vote for Hairie bc that’s what I was told but apparently that’s not the real plan. Or it is. Who knows? Not me Esteban or Bethany

Hairie

Sleeping and waking up to last minute scrambling again. Turns out it was me and wrong to trust Trinica and a few others. Going out with the cutest outfit ever and first member of the Jury. I'm rooting for Raffy Jayjay or Trinica to win.

[hearttoshu]

.

[queenofimagines]

Chocolates

Request: “can i get something for jj where he's just SUCH a softie & always wants to be held by his girl, been friends since they were lil?? & maybe he finds out that she ran into his dad in public & he recognized her & said some shit abt how she could do better than jj / deserves better & she stood up for him w/out a single hesitation. & when jj finds out he just wants to hold/be held by her & then she calls him "baby boy" or "bubba" & he just breaks & needs needs NEEDS bc he feels so vulnerable & loved”

Warnings: None

JJ didn’t have many things in his life that he cared to hold onto. His lighter? Nothing special. His hats? He could always steal more. His sunglasses? Well, he didn’t really wear them anyway. But you? Now you were something completely different. You had been there for JJ his whole life, having met at a young age in some obscure playground that he was sure was torn down years ago to accommodate the expansion that Figure 8 had undergone. He didn’t care that it was gone, not when he still had you in his life, not when he could still make memories with you at The Wreck or on the HMS Pogue. All that mattered to JJ was you, and as long as he had you, he had the world.

JJ was at the market with Kiara, picking up some supplies for a day out on the marsh. Kiara needed to run to the store for snacks and drinks while JJ had wanted to tag along to make sure that he got the exact chips he wanted. He also tagged along in order to get you those chocolates you loved so much. They were rather hard to come by in The Cut and while he definitely would have asked Pope’s dad since you didn’t want to (something about not wanting to make his job harder and not having enough money, although JJ knew Pope’s dad would have never charged you, you were his favorite Pogue after his son) Pope’s dad didn’t particularly like him very much. Pope’s dad probably would have helped JJ since it was for you but he still would have rather avoided the whole conversation, especially after the day he’d had. First, the stupid Kook family who hired him to mow their lawn had shorted him on his pay, claiming he had knocked over one of their garden gnomes, effectively scratching it and thus ruining it, apparently. He couldn’t see a scratch anywhere and he was sure that they just wanted to short him just because, maybe to flex their power or whatever. Then, his dad had tore into him just before heading to the same grocery store hours earlier. He promised his dad that he’d bring home the same amount that the Kook family had promised him, and bringing home less than what was promised definitely didn’t go over well. Shaking the memory from his head, JJ decided to focus on the task at hand.

“Kie, please! I don’t know what they’re called but they’re small and come in a bag that’s usually resealable and-”

“JJ! I don’t know what kind of chocolates you’re talking about!” Kiara sighed, “JJ I have literally never seen you work this hard for anything, not even for yourself, why would you work this hard for chocolate?”

“They’re for Y/N, she never gets to eat them because they’re so hard to find.” Kiara smiled at that. She knew how in love JJ was with you, he had been for as long as she could remember. Kie liked how you seemed to balance JJ out without restraining his wild personality and how your family had accepted him as if he was their own. She also loved that she wasn’t the only girl in the group anymore, having gained an instant best friend when you arrived.

“Just ask someone JJ, I’m sure the guy at the counter probably knows.” Nodding, JJ headed towards the front of the store while Kiara turned back towards the vegetable section, picking out some baby carrots and trying to find some ranch or hummus near by. JJ rolled his eyes, knowing that the only person who would eat them would be Kiara.

“Excuse me? Do you guys have these little chocolates that look kind of like-”

“JJ, my man! I didn’t think you’d be in today. Are you getting stuff for your dad? He came in earlier looking for some cigarettes and beer, but he didn’t end up buying anything. Instead he just caused a big ruckus that scared off my customers and left! Jerk.”

“Wait, he fought with someone?” JJ asked. JJ knew his dad had a temper but people weren’t always good at seperating JJ from his dad. He’d need more fingers if he were to count the many time he’d been attacked for his dad’s actions and he certainly didn’t need to add anymore to the list.

“Yeah, he fought with Y/N. You didn’t know? Isn’t she your girlfriend?” JJ shook his head.

“What was the fight about?” JJ asked, become agitated at the thought of you having any contact with his dad, let alone actually fighting with him. The clerk behind the counter rubbed his neck nervously, knowing JJ wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Well... Y/N was already here when your dad came in. I guess she found whatever she was looking for because she was making her way towards the counter when she bumped into your dad. Like head on, she even dropped the stuff she was holding. Your dad recognized her I guess cause he started saying something to her, I couldn’t hear what he said but whatever it was obviously didn’t sit well with her cause she looked like she was getting irritated. She said something to him about you, at least I heard her say your name a few times. Then she left, your dad leaving just a little after her.” By now JJ was on edge, knowing that whatever went down between you two couldn’t have been good. All he could think about was making sure you were okay. He quickly left the store, telling Kiara as he passed her that he needed to talk to you.

From the store to your house wasn’t very far, but at the pace JJ kept, the distance seemed even shorter. He quickly knocked on your front door, hoping you’d answer before he vibrated out of his skin. The door swung open, except it wasn’t your face he was looking at, but your father’s.

“Hey JJ, what’re you doing here? I thought you guys weren’t hanging out until later.”

“Hi, Mr. Y/L/N, you’re right but I just need to talk to Y/N really quick, can I come in?” By now JJ was practically bouncing on his toes. He loved your dad, he truly did, but right now he just needed to talk to you.

“Yeah come on in! She’s in her room but she’s taking a nap and, well, you know what she’s like when she wakes up don’t you?” Your dad laughed. JJ muttered a quick thanks before running to your room, gently closing the door when he spotted you sprawled out on top of your blankets fast asleep. He walked to the side of your bed and sat down, softly shaking your shoulder to wake you up.

“JJ?” You asked groggily, stretching before your eyes went wide as you abruptly sat up. “Oh my god did I sleep in? I was so sure I set an alarm.”

“You’re not late sweetheart, I just came early. I just needed to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?”

“The guy at the store told me you ran into my dad today.”

“Oh.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I went to the store to pick up some snacks and when I was ready to pay I ran into your dad.” You didn’t really want to keep going, you knew he’d be upset by what his dad said and he really didn’t need his confidence to be any lower than it already was.

“And? I know there’s more to it Y/N.”

“Um... H-he said that I was a quite a catch, pretty and smart, and that I could have done better than... than you. He told me I should breakup with you.” JJ looked down, gripping you blanket so tight that his knuckles turned white.

“But I told him that wasn’t happening!” You quickly addd, beginning to get angry again as you thought about the whole interaction. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, there’s no way I’m just letting you go.”

JJ gently took ahold of your hand. He knew that you cared for him, but he never thought you’d be the type to stand up to his dad of all people, and he definitely didn’t think that you felt the same about him as he did you. His heart swelled at the thought that you had defended him, but he also felt guilty at the thought of you having to do so.

Seeing JJ look so defeated hurt your heart, more so at the thought that you might have caused it. 

“I’m sorry, Bubba. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad, sweetheart, just surprised is all.” He quickly pulled you to him, kissing your forehead before laying down next to you and wrapping his arms around you. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For defending me. You didn’t have to.” You moved so that you were looking at him, eyes wide.

“Of course I did! No one talks shit about my boyfriend, especially not his own dad.” You said, laying your head on his chest after having made your point. Just then your alarm went off, signaling that you both would have to leave soon if you were going to be on time to meet up with the Pogues. You tried to get up but JJ held onto you tightly, not allowing you to move much as you tried to wriggle out of his grip.

“JJ we need to go if we don’t want to be late.” You laughed. JJ shoved his head into the crook of your neck, pulling you even closer to him.

“No, forget the Pogues, let’s just stay here and cuddle.” You wanted to protest, really you did but the way JJ was holding you, as if his life depended on it, let you know that he needed you right now to just be there, so without saying a word, you turned over and held him to you, running your hand through his hair until he fell asleep, soon drifting off with him.

[starlightiing]

Raided and got my Arcanine today! Ironically enough, I also collected enough candies to evolve my growlithe, but I think that this Arcanine has better stats so!!! I’m very excited.

Went to the gym this morning for a while, then went to the River Market and raided for Raikou. I already had one, so I raided with my friend so that she could get one - which she did. 

Then we went to lunch. My other friend came and met up with us as I was finishing my beer, and then we went to the market and farmed Magnemites because there’s a nest there. Got enough of those guys, then went to go raid for Machamp but no one showed up. I also MISSED A SKARMORY BC IT RAN FROM ME I was so upset.

So finding the Arcanine raid on the way home was super nice ok I was really excited bc I’ve been waiting so long. He’s beautiful ya’ll. The best pupper.

Anyway now I’m home to relax. Maybe play some SuMo and watch a little college football. Tomorrow NFL starts so I’m excited for that too!!!!

Then I fly home Thursday to see all my friends!!!!!! Yay!!!

[audiovisualrecall]

steph called on the way home from the deli, around 4:18, so i suggested we go to the ‘treasure sale’ flea market thing around the corner that was closing at 5. she told me to get ready, so i started finishing what i was in the middle of, expecting to be done and have shoes on by the time she got home. but literally 2 minutes later she comes in the house and is immediately rude and annoyed by me not being ready, and as soon as i said i had to use the bathroom started giving me a hard time. i got annoyed, went into the bathroom complaining, and was a little upset bc i wanted to do something fun, and she was being an ass by giving me a hard time abt the bathroom, and i was upset bc i havent been feeling well and didnt get anything done today etc - and she went on the attack, saying other people deal with this so much better than i do, that im a baby, etc. when i got out i told her she shouldn’t give me a hard time because i dont give her a hard time when she doesnt feel well - and somehow first she decided i was saying she never feels unwell and reminded me she has chronic pain, and then i repeated myself more clearly and she insisted she’s never had a day where she was a miserable whiny lump because of pain or discomfort, just to emphasize how silly i am that i cant deal with my stuff, and i just. things just got out of my control, and i got more frustrated and unable to make words work for me right and got even more frustrated as she turned things around and around and then i started throwing things bc the frustration needs to get Out of me somehow and she had a comment for that too, and i was just....pissed and upset, and she was gonna walk away looking like a daisy in this and it made me so mad that i was a rage monster and she was totally fine, and i threw a milk crate at the stairs and didnt make sure it wouldnt hit her legs, and when she came back down i apologized but she decided NO i cant say sorry because i dont mean it because im going to do it again and i got madder because you dont get to dictate what i feel or say, you dont have to accept an apology but you dont get to say that im gonna just do it again and that i shouldnt apologize and least of all you cant tell me that i dont mean it, because fuck you, i do. even if what she said about other ppl with crohns dealing with it better hurt me and was JUST as bad as what i did and was the verbal equivalent of me throwing something at her, except hers was TOTALYL UNPROVOKED and mine was in response to HER BULLSHIT. i still fucking apologize because i fucking mean it, not just because its the thing to say when u do something wrong, i say it because i am sorry, because i regret it, because i want you to know that i recognize it wasn’t right, i say sorry because i mean sorry. NOTICE how she NEVER EVER APOLOGIZES for anything like seriously she apologized maybe twice in the past 5 years? despite saying nasty things to me and ma and dad all the fucking time? despite taking her problems out on me and then blaming me when i explode bc im supposed to be working on not reacting but i haven’t been feeling well so its been more difficult not to! especially when she stabs at me like that. anyway so i yelled at her and she went to starbucks or something and then i yelled and cried alone in the house for a bit till i calmed, and then ma got home and i told her what happened and cried at her and talked abt it, and THEN steph got home! and while i went and tried to distract myself steph starts talking abt what happened to ma, and ma was trying to you know, let steph say her side of things and hear her out and then tried talking abt it to steph and just. every single response steph had was that i was the one that flipped out first, that she did nothing wrong, that theres NOTHING WRONG WITH TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE ELSE DEALS WITH THINGS BETTER THAN ME. ma was like everyone deals with things differently, etc. and im making comments from the other room because FUCK NO you just have no empathy sometimes steph, if you honestly believe there’s nothing wrong with telling someone that everyone else deals with the same health concerns better than they do, then you have a big problem. wtf. anyway so then she got on the track of she’s trying to look out for me or whatever, she’s saying it because she cares! sure! at least i think she was saying that. anyway! she just... and she got all mad that everyone says i react to her but no one says she reacts to me.... and i said some things abt her being nasty to everyone a lot which is true....it just....she doesnt see she did anything wrong and she did! and she refused to accept that i knew i did wrong too, which is silly, i know i was in the wrong too. it’s just that what she said was just as bad, and i only reacted in this case, she walked in being rude and then went on the attack when i was annoyed by her being annoyed and rude and impatient with me and got a bit upset, i reacted to her attack and her confusing and frustrating me by deciding i was saying things i wasnt and then that i didnt mean my apology. that’s it. i dont apologize for saying she should move out. i love her, i like her a lot when she’s being fun and enthusiastic and telling me stuff and talking abt design and tv shows, i like that she can consider other views on things given time to come to those conclusions (ie, realizing that the portrayal of autism in the good doctor doesnt sit perfectly with her, so i might’ve had some point in my concerns when i first told her i didnt like the show from what i’d heard - she came and talked abt the show with me the other day, and i told her, watch it if you like it, just dont take it as law on autistic ppl, and if something makes you uncomfortable abt it, thats your prerogative if u wanna stop watching. that was nice.) i like when we can discuss or debate something and be on opposite sides and it doesn’t become a screaming fight, we kinda see where we are and accept we have different views and we then go back to watching tv and its good. i like her a lot except when she turns around randomly and becomes nasty and mean and then insists there’s nothing wrong with what she said or how she said it. i dont like when she complains about people and refuses to see how hypocritical she can be. i dont like when she complains about our parents and gets mad when i dont agree with her 100%. and i don’t like when she throws words at me like knives and insists they’re harmless and have no connection to my anger or reactions. that everyone is unfair to her. when she’s MEAN a lot.

[igiti2019]

Day 5 (5/23)

Great day great day great day great day

Today we woke up early for our first day of work! When I woke up I went to the kitchen to hard boil the eggs I bought at the Kimironko Market. One of them cracked and then another one broke while I was peeling it and became an eggy shelly mess, so I threw those away and put the rest in the fridge and decided I would reap the benefits of my culinary work another day. Then we walked to Java House, the cute cafe with the sun logo, and I got a medium americano to go, since we had no time for breakfast. Outside Java House we got a cab and were on our way to work! When we first arrived at work at 10 we went to the third floor where the employees work and filled into a small meeting room that was available. This was perfect because it was small enough for just us 3, it had outlets and a fan, and with the door closed we were able to talk and collaborate. A few moments after getting settled in, Laura, the head of diversity at Kepler, poked her head in to tell us that if we had any questions or wanted to interview her and get her help on anything to let her know. We love Laura. But we had work to do, so we looked at our first deliverable which was to summarize key points of a data set that included data from 3 different sites of Kepler’s college preparation program called ITEME (“small log bridge” in Kinyarwanda). So we each took one site and spent 2 hours in that room summarizing the data! Finding trends, finding differences in gender, in refugees vs. non-refugees, etc. and then comparing the data across sites. At 12, we orded food from Java House with an app called Jumia, which is just like Rwanda’s Uber Eats. We decided we needed a change of scenery, so we went down to the great hall where all of the students can hang out and work, and we claimed a long table in the corner of the room and waited for our food. My lunch was so. Damn. delicious. I got a small dish of rice, a small dish of steamed vegetables, and a small dish of fried plantains, but of course the serving sizes in Rwanda are huge despite the incredibly cheap prices, so I was only able to finish half of it. The other half I’ve boxed up and will have tomorrow, hopefully with one of my prized hard-boiled market eggs. We didn’t do much work during lunch, just talked. Then after lunch we went back upstairs to the quiet room with everyone’s desk offices as I’m calling them, and for about 1 or 2 hours all silently worked on our data, going more in depth, doing other research, etc. until we finished our independent work and needed to collaborate again so we went back to our beloved available meeting room. We worked on our work plan in there until someone came in and kicked us out because they had it reserved for a meeting, and we returned to the great hall downstairs. We finalized that on a weekly basis we’ll plan to be at the office Monday - Friday, and just be very loose about taking days off to attend conferences or work remotely, which I think is just perfect. We also set rough deadlines for each of our 3 deliverables throughout the summer, including work for the case study that we’re meant to be compiling for the class that sent us here in the first place. After we finalized those two schedules Zodi and Ananya talked about some extra curriculars that they have in common until we called a cab and went home. At home things got a little bit icky, because we were all tired after our first day at work, and some of our different preferences were coming up about wifi and electricity use, work schedules, just different differences that will inevitably arise when people live together. I got upset when Zodi gave me some trouble for being so stringent with saving electricity and wifi, so I just isolated myself for a bit and went to my room to cool off. Cried a bit, took an anxiety med, and shook it off, because an hour later we had dinner with our boss in town. We were already kind of running late because it was taking too long to find a cab so we decided to walk, but then Ananya forgot her anti-malarial pills so we had to go back to the apartment but after that we were able to get a cab and make our way to Chez Lando, a higher end restaurant attached to a hotel. Our boss was there waiting for us (she’s really chill so she wasn’t mad at all), and we all sat down and ordered food. For the first time, we experienced what we had all read about – Rwandan service taking forever! Before coming here, we’d all read that restaurant meals can take up to 2 hours just to be delivered to the table, and that’s just a normal thing in Rwanda, but we weren’t experiencing that anywhere we went, we actually noticed that waiters were extremely pleasant and very attentive to our needs. But tonight the dinner took 90 minutes (Ananya timed it) to arrive. But it was well worth the wait! Ashley (boss lady) and Zodi both got Ugali, which is kind of like the outside of mochi if you can imagine that, but as a big blog, and you pick it up with your fingers and use it to then pick up and act as the starchy background for whatever else you ordered, usually spinach, stew, or meats. I’ve wanted to try it since we got here, but unfortunately Zodi and Ashley’s dishes both had meat. But I’m happy that I saw it! It reminded me to look for it next time we go somewhere that might have it. As for me, I got two plates LOADED with vegetables that made my heart sing. I ordered a plain omelette, a vegetable shishkabob, and potato croquettes (a lot of my meals here consist of me ordering things I can eat off of the sides menu and constructing my own meal and I LOVE it), and of course I got one plate with a huge omelette and tons of fresh veggies on the side (including half an avocado oh my god), and another plate with a gigantic roasted veggie skewer, three huge potato croquettes, and for some reason also boiled peas and carrots. It was so damn good. It all cost $4. So… yeah. I’m pretty sure my eyes were just giant stars when the waitress put it in front of me. It looked like a lot, and I thought I would be able to save some of it to add to my lunch tomorrow, but I surprised myself with how quickly I actually finished it! (Except for one of the potato croquettes I gave to Zodi and the fresh veggies that I couldn’t eat bc they’re raw and potentially have cholera bacteria on them but I did eat the avocado because it has a peel so sue me.) During the 90 minute wait and the meal afterwards, Ashley told us about her time living in India in college, her time doing the Peace Corps in Guatemala, her eventual move to Rwanda, her recent move within Rwanda, and her upcoming move to Ethiopia (uhhh… hello.. Can you say “dream life”?????????) We asked her questions about Kepler, and WE FOUND OUT THAT IT’S ACTUALLY SAFE FOR US TO GO TO KIZIBA REFUGEE CAMP. This is huge for me. We had been worried that the recent Ebola outbreak in DRC would make it unsafe to visit the Kiziba Refugee camp, one of Kepler’s campuses, but Kiziba hasn’t accepted any new refugees from DRC in years! I can’t even explain how much it means to me that I will soon be stepping foot onto what I’ve built all of my work around, all of my goals, all of my projects and classes and research. When Ashley saw my excitetment at the news, she stopped smiling for one of the only times that night, and warned me that, “It’s really… a lot. It’s extremely difficult to be there and see it, especially for you guys who have never seen something like it before. But as soon as you get there, people will be following you and touching you, and the poverty is really extreme.” But I’m so ready. I want to see, I want to experience, I want to understand, and then I want to think, and I want to help. June is Refugee Awareness Month, and June 20 is World Refugee Day, so this timing is pretty serendipitous. We need to send our passports to the government and get government clearance to go, and we always need to tell them when we plan to go so that they expect us. (It’s a 4 hour drive up a mountain, so we couldn’t just pop by anyways.) The Kiziba campus graduation is July 5th, so Ashley said that we could certainly go with Kepler for that, but I’d like to go sooner if possible, even just once. It’s $100 to get a 4-wheel drive car (which is necessary for the journey) to take us there, but that’s only $20 more than a regular car would cost. Kepler employees are there Monday - Friday, too, so we would have people who could show us around and speak English with us. At our dinner we also found out that Sylvia, who had become our new supervisor after Obed was leaving to work at a different Kepler location, was now also leaving for a new job somewhere else. So next week we’ll find out who our new supervisor is! It’s too bad, because Sylvia and Obed seem great, but we’ve also met some very cool employees at Kepler like Laura, Cristine, Teppo, Joell, they all seem great, and Ashley seemed confident that we were being placed with the right person. We were ALSO told that tomorrow the president of Southern New Hampshire University, Kepler’s biggest partner, is coming with a group of about 35 people! Ashley is coordinating the whole thing, so she said that we could go and be flies on the wall, but we can’t talk to her because she will be at maximum stress limits. It’s 8:45-12, so I’m hoping we can go at 8:45 and see as much as possible. After that, we’ll hopefully meet with Sylvia to finalize our work plan and get ideas from her about where to go for data, etc. Then it sounded like Ananya and Zodi didn’t want to do a full work day tomorrow, so I’m not sure what will happen after that. Bruno (landlord) is bringing us a rice cooker tomorrow, so I may go back to Kimironko Market and buy some more eggs (since I’ve already lost 3) and some rice by the kilo. 6 organic eggs for $1.20! Did I already tell y’all that?! Anyways after dinner Zodi and Ananya said they no longer wanted to go happy hour at the Inema Arts Center so I had to text Innocent and tell him we would be there next week. Which was very sad, and I really wish we could’ve gone, it would’ve been nice to celebrate our first day of work with 2 for 1 wine!!!! But also it was late, and we need to get up early especially if we’re going in at 8:45! So we taxied home with the SWEETEST French-speaking old man I have ever met and I love him with all my heart and I wish we could’ve gotten his number and used him as our driver every time. (Most taxi drivers give strangers their numbers so that they’ll just call them instead of calling a random cab) He would even be perfect because since he drove us to our impossible-to-find apartment, he knows where it is! If I ever get in his cab again I’ll get his number… We came inside and I took.. My first… RWANDAN SHOWER. (That’s what I’ll be calling it.) But like full on cold shower with a detached shower head I had to move around me without spraying water, squatting down to wash my hair so I wouldn’t get water everywhere, it was great. Very refreshing of course, but also I always love experiencing those little things that make a country definitely different from my country, even if it’s “less comfortable” or considered “worse”. ANY part of a new culture, good or bad, I love discovering it. Now I’m in my room writing this under my mosquito bed net, which I actually love. It’s like a fort. When I got back to my room after my shower and got changed, I threw my phone, backpack, and water bottle under the net and then climbed in. I just throw anything I need for the night in, and then get in! It’s just like a fort!! I love it. Okay that’s all I have to report on today. We used up over half our wifi that we had bought for 30 days in just 3 days, so I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have work wifi….

Peace!

[anxiouslysly]

Sunday 7/22 12:03am

today was a roller coaster. dan came here after teaching his class, we went down to the farmers market and ran into emily and shannon and devin. came back and drove to the preserve, i’d never been there before. it was nice to walk around and we saw cool stuff! turtle eggs and yellow feathers and the old lock. gave him the note and then he said he’d read it later. we went to the park to read when we got back and i think he read it then bc we came back to eat and he was like super quiet for dan so i asked if everything was okay and he said he was just thinking and then made some like negative comments (said he was leaving and i could have time to shower or whatever and i was like you overestimate my motivation and he said like something else i got wrong or something like that) and basically left right when we were done (”anything else you need me to do?”) which he usually hangs around and talks for a while. so i was like mmm don’t think he took that well and just texted i’m sorry, he usually texts when he gets home so i figured he’d see it. met lizzie who moved in downstairs, apparently she’s a phd “dropout” getting her masters. interested in splitting wifi so that’s good. sat on the sofa feeling a little sorry for myself then left to give emily her amazon packages and hang out with jordan and andrew bc he’s in town for the weekend. 

he did and was being v like it’s not your fault... “you owe me no apologies. the fault lies with me for any assumptions i’ve made and any liberties i’ve taken in pursuit of them.” “i’m telling you that i place no responsibility on your for any upset that is caused. you don’t need to apologize. you have done nothing wrong” but clearly like he wasn’t ok. but after i got back i texted again things were better, we’re going to talk about it in person, he’s coming to church tm and then we’re going to the pine barren preserve. i do want to go to n/s lake sometime though or some of the other fun hikes by him. maybe next saturday we’ll see

[tampon-on-the-sidewalk]

New York Recap

I am really sick so this’ll be short sweet and simple(enough) very long and under a cut

My travel anxiety SUCKED on my way to New York and I got there 20 minutes late but all it took was one hug from my boyfriend to make it all better(I have not seen him in 9 months)

That night we went to the Japan Society art exhibit which was really really neat and about gender(though a few of the paintings were explicit). They had a little café/bar setup with a live band playing and it was just really really neat. Also, if I am remembering the painting description correctly, Geisha were originally all men

I think we ate at Applebees that night.

The following day we visited my old haunts- Nintendo Store(where he found a Legend of Zelda sheetmusic book and a Venusaur, and we looked at their collection of old consoles and watched a couple people try out the new games), Sunrise Mart(Four words- Chocolate Chip Melon Pan), Bookoff(Where I found all seven volumes of the anime Mythical Detective Loki Ragnarok and all were under 7 bucks except for one that was like 8, naturally I bought all seven and now have a show to binge.Also found some Morning Musume concert discs/Single Vs but couldn’t remember what I already had so I let them be. Talked myself out of buying a Tsunku album.), and Kinokuniya(Café Zaiya’s sakura mousse was absolutely fantastic and I FOUND BOTH MOMOCHI AND KARIN’S PHOTOBOOKS AND A C-UTE ONE TOO but they were like 40 bucks a pop and he had to do everything in his power to stop me from buying them though honestly I should’ve bought C-ute’s). We ate at the hotel restaurant I think, it was okay but I started getting a sore throat.

That same night, we ended up going to the Ripley’s Museum(whish was really fricken neat, I’ve been to the one in Atlantic City before but this one was quite different).

The next day and easily the best day of the trip we went to Mitsuwa Marketplace in Edgewater NJ for the first time since 2011ish. Started with the market itself and bough over 50 bucks of snacks and curry roux, then went to the café  for some curry and a Strawberry Crepe(is was so fricken good omg). We then moseyed on over to their Kinokuniya, got some chuckles at manga covers, read some Japanese childrens’ books, found a book about Maru.. And then went to eat again =w= I got a Ten-don zaru soba combo and he just nibbled on some pocky. After sitting for a while longer we checked out Little Japan USA(Used to be Mars toystore/traditional good store but they combined them) and my heart told me that in the one of three remaining Shippuden mystery boxes(which were like 15 bucks a pop) was the figurine I wanted so I chanced it and IT FUCKING WAS.

After that we walked a ways to check out a shopping plaza/the supermarket chain my love works for, took a stroll by the Hudson river, and then went back to Mitsuwa for one last quick snack of Taiyaki. At the bus stop we saw two people who also came from Mitsuwa and they were talking about Kpop so I was keeping to myself but then somehow we started talking and I said I was more into J-idols and it turned out one was a fan for like 10+ years now and actually went on a 30day concert streak just to see H!P concerts and they’re like a legend in my eyes now and we talked for the entire ride back to Port Authority and it was so cool. We walked back to the hotel fully content. We found a ramen chain close to the hotel that we were familiar with from our Philly trips and it was really really good, plus they were playing oldies music and SHARAMQ’S SINGLE BED CAME ON AND I GOT SO GIDDY I DROPPED MY PHONE

And then the day of the concert.

My cold started hitting hard so we went back to Sunrise mart, mainly for lunch/Choco chip melon pan but also so I could grab some facemasks. We walked Central park for a couple hours and rode the carousel and had a grand old time while I got the worst looks from white people for wearing a mask. Then we went to the Turnstyle underground market just to look, went into Lush so I could show him all the neat things, asked about the different flavoured toothy tabs and she was like ‘I can give you a couple of this one to try back home’ and I was like ok cool AND SHE GAVE ME LIKE 20

Then we get to the venue and after a long while in line and our bladders almost exploding we get in and get like the best possible view of the stage(it was standing room and as y’all might know I am one tiny guy) and the first band was really great, Gothic Knights, they were NY based and one of few lesser-known openers that were really really good and the singer was goddamn gorgeous

Then Hammerfall came out. They were great. The mosh pit behind us? Not so much. We had to move because my boyfriend kept getting bumped into and I was pissed because he was getting annoyed so the only place we could really go was behind a support beam which was conveniently also right under an air vent. By this point I’m starting to cough super duper hard and was so close to just saying ‘lets go back to the hotel’ But no. I traveled 9 hours from Florida to NY just to see these guys. We hit up Gothic Knights’ merch booth(The lead singer was right next to me and a. he couldn’t see me smile bc facemask so he just saw my sick-and-dead eyes and b. by the time I realized he was there it was too late to tell him how amazing he was), got a T-shirt and an album and I think my sweetheart helped me pay for it

By the time Delain got on stage I was like 100%done so we sat on the stairs until the staff yelled at us and then we stood on the stairs. I could barely hear, charlotte was off her game, and it was just such a disappointment. But I am pretty sure that Merel looked right at me and smiled which made my night

Hit up the main merch booth and spent far too much- Signed Hammerfall CD, Delain Moonbathers T-shirt, and a button set. We grabbed a quick snack for my boyfriend on the way back to the hotel but I was just far too sick. Think I fell asleep as soon as we got back.

He left the following afternoon and then I went to karaoke despite being very sick and entirely croaky. You should’ve heard me try to hit the notes in Shall we Love. Got to sing with one of my close friends for 2 hours and catch up briefly before I walked back towards the hotel. It was downpouring and I still didn’t eat that day so I went back to Terakawa for some ramen and heard even more oldies jams(Diamonds by PrincessPrincess, a Finger Five song, and hilariously enough the folk song Kasa Ga Nai aka Without an Umbrella). Took a nice bath and got ready for the next day’s departure.

It started out okay honestly. Watched some TV, mailed myself my snacks, ate a great breakfast at the Cosmic Diner(the food got to me within like 2 minutes of ordering) and then left an hour early for the Subway. Glad I did too, because if I took the 1230 and had all the delays that happened on the 1130, I would’ve missed my flight. The subway took like 40 minutes longer than it should have. But anyway, get on the flight, smooth sailing so to speak, but due to overhead compartments being full before I had gotten on I needed to check my carry-on.

So I’m waiting at baggage claim. The conveyor belt gets stuck. We get stuck there for like 30 minutes while they try to fix the jam. in that time I get a call saying my 8pm shuttle(which I got so I could have time to eat beforehand, my flight landed at 540) was cancelled. Started sobbing uncontrollably and my immune system failed yet again so I was feeling even sicker because of it, and still haven’t gotten my bag yet so I was scared I’d miss this shuttle bus too and be stranded. Then another person from the company calls and informs me that no, the 8pm was NOT cancelled and I can still take it. By this time it’s almost 7p and I’m sobbing to them on the phone and I go to get something to eat but I’ve lost my appetite and am feeling far too ill. I grab something small from a restaurant, head over to the lush in the airport and buy myself 2 bathbombs, a bubble bar and toothy tabs, and go to wait for my shuttle. It shows up about ten minutes early and  everything goes smoothly. I ended up calling out of work for today because as the ride progressed I was getting progressively worse.

Got home, got bombarded by my cat who was extremely upset with me, took a nice bath and went straight to sleep.

Now after spending over an hour to type this up I’m going the fuck back to bed. Goodnight everyone and thank you for reading.