#today felt so normal so good
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feb 15
#diary#today felt so normal so good#HOWWVER#im still kinda thrown off and hurt#my mind has settled on 'yah sure its not true'#but the IMPLICATION that she might think that i specifically have been a bad friend#idk ... like am i a bad friend??#i think im just running away w it#but i cant stop thinking abt it either#if i've been on a tightrope this whole time then this person just shook it and started shouting FALL FALL FALL#im trying not to let the other thing drive me insane too#my hair just cant stay clean these days i think its the weather or my shampoo#its like... ik hk...
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the game dialogue:
the dialogue in my head:
#penacony really good so far yall its making me ill#honkai star rail#himeko#my art#doodle#hsr spoilers#penacony spoilers#small. non-important. but yknow#tagging all the penacony stuff w the spoiler tags alr#im gonna be normal about the penacony shenanigans. i have many. things. i wnat to draw rn. its overwhelming.#gonna see if i can finish the quest today weewooeppgnmh#aventurine strutted up to us and i went waogh this guys gay then he started talking and i went waohg this guys gay#i wasnt ready#that check-in scene felt like wlw/mlm ... not hostility really. but like.. passive aggression?
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hold me
#this is cut paper with pastels on it#art#traditional art#paper cutting#artists on tumblr#queer artist#t4t#t4t To Me#bunny4bunny#i am so lonely. i had my blood drawn today and i fainted and the nurse patting me on the back made me tear up because it felt too good#sorry for being fucked up rn ill be normal someday maybe if someone holds me#ever#ill just do bunnies about it
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niccolo machiavelli & biagio buonaccorsi
Machiavelli's Service to the Republic, John M. Najemy
eventually I'll read Sasso's writing on Machiavelli, but even reading Najemy's summary of the text with regards to Biagio and Machiavelli's relationship made me feel unwell™ in some kind of way like. even love. what an absolute gut punch pair of words to put in the middle of a sentence. I feel fine about it!! (a lie)
The Life and Times of Machiavelli, Pasquale Villari
AND NOW. regarding the scene. the letter exchanging hands is referencing their correspondence in general, but to also how Biagio was a collaborator to Machiavelli's plans (and a little bit about how some of Machiavelli's works were copied in Biagio's hand)
Machiavelli, Leonardo and the Science of Power, Roger D Masters
and regarding the red panel with the figure getting measured, it's about how Biagio had clothing for Machiavelli made to his own measurements in Machiavelli's absence.
Niccolò’s Smile, Maurizio Viroli
#italian renaisance tag#niccolo machiavelli#biagio buonaccorsi#komiks tag#drawing tag#i had an illustration of milo murdering clodius for today but then i saw there was a poll for it so i'll save it for after the poll closes#god i feel so so so so so so normal about machiavelli and biagio (i do not)#ive always felt a lot about machiavelli but biagio makes me cry. he's just. aughhhhdhgh.#anyway based on najemy's summary of sasso's text i dont think. i agree with what sasso is saying abt their dynamic wrt#to the emotional underworking and biagio overplaying the political threats#as najemy goes to say in his follow up. other people were also warning machiavelli abt the same thing#but biagio's frustrations remind me a lot of maria's complaints as well. it's like. devotion + loyalty + trust. i think are the stronger#ties at play. eugh. EUAHDGHSHSHDGH#im going to listen to the assassins creed 2 soundtrack and be normal about everything now. good night#italian renaissance tag
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Lokiceratops fighting off a flock of Dromaeosaurs
really happy with how this one turned out
#paleoart#lokiceratops#dromaeosaurs#ceratopsian#theropod#dinosaur#dragon draws creatures#i was really proud of the lineart which lead me to want to make this drawing really good so i spent way more time rendering than normal#theres minimal use of brushes for cheezing scales a lot are hand drawn#all this for a dinosaur that is debatable if its even a seperate species from medusaceratops#fun fact while everyone else is drawing their lokiceratops green mine has purple and gold patterns#yes that is a refrence to loki fire emblem because im not like other girls and i thought it would look cool#also i finished this like a week ago and been forgetting to post it but it felt too good to label as “today in art i forgor to post”
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paul "if john was gay i wouldve known he wouldve hit on me!" mccartney
🤝
john "im not GAY but i constantly hit on paul. it doesnt appear to be coming across. that must mean he's straight too" lennon
/youre bad at it and he's bad at it and that's gay love in the oppressive 1960s straight hegemony baby!
#youre bad at it and he's bad at it and thats repressed gay love in the 1960s repressive straight hegemony baby#paul saying he WOULDVE KNOWN if a gay person hitting on him is either the funniest thing a str8 person has ever said or the biggest#overt admission of being queer#lmao#and we know its not the first 1#mclennon#john lennon#paul mccartney#they werent normal about each other and its SO FUNNY NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT IT other than the stannies#i feel for JL honestly although i think hes a very destructive and kind of bad person (but who isnt lol)#he seemed so tortured and part of it was never being able to embrace his sexuality in the 50s and 60s and it steered his whole life awry#alongside all thenother tragedies#but w that too he mustve felt sooooo broken#and it couldnt be more obvious he loved paul#even yoko finally confirmed he was bi (as far as she knows - dont know how hed identify today) he is queer#which was one good thing that happened for him post death#not having to hide#anywayyyy
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youtube
had some (extensive) feelings about maya and mia so I made an animatic about it!
#mia fey#maya fey#aa#ace attorney#phoenix wright ace attorney#my beppies...#ace attorney animatic#had so much fun making it and by fun i mean i felt really sad the entire time#but in a good way#finally finished all the drawings earlier today and just finished the closed captions a couple minutes ago#so i can post it here!#looking forward to inking some of the comics i sketched ages ago now that im done w this and can be Normal again#or be Abnormal about something else#if i find another song that i feel suits the chars i might make a happier animatic#two for two are sad ones jjjkd#Youtube
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...
#ah yes. my old friend: getting nothing done all day bc im too paralyzed to attempt to read anything#thanks. i hate it here#today felt like i was trapped in october of last year. which was disorienting#bc it was cold ang gloomy out and i just kept listening to doomsday by lizzy mcalpine#itll get better once im back in the habit of things. at least that's what im telling myself. just expect me#to complain a lot bc im back in the torture machine. by which i mean life as a grad student#evolution prof: u should be reading at least 20 papers per week. and shes right but also what if i just lay on the floor and expire#what then? oh hey u use text to speech on papers? that must b super helpful! yeah sure it takes 2 broken things:#my ability to not process audio and not understand text in order to try to put me on a normal reading level.#except that it still fucking sucks and i hate everything.#and it doesnt even fuckibg matter for this class bc shes giving us pdf scans that are image based not text based#so i cant even use text to speech. which is ya kno. real fucking cool. welp. its been real#goodbye to any sort of notion that i appear to kno what im doing. or that i can read anything#oh god. why tf did i decide it was a good idea to come back?#dread! paralyzing dread! oh how ive missed u#unrelated
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.
#gonna do a little throwback and vent a bit here lmao#I may have pushed myself a lil far by doing a couple impact scenes and then wandering thru a bunch of crowds to watch the fireworks 💀#felt incredible on sunday night had a bad panic attack last night and haven’t been right today I just feel so down and strange#idk if it’s cause we got to discussing trauma and mental illness or if I’m just a lil depressed but I’m in a very pre-medication headspace#and then I rly feel bad cause he walked me home so he was out later than me and then soon after he got home there was a shooting near where#we were. and he’s the one who gets nervous about being out at night I’m always flippant about it#n I feel stupid and careless keeping him out so late just making sure I was alright#idk idk. hoping this is all part of coming off all that adrenaline and I’ll be normal in a couple days#I didn’t anticipate it at all cause the pain was pretty light. but it was all insanely good so maybe it’s more about how high up you get lol#idk! advice welcome if you’ve had a similar experience hdjfjsj
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m just too cute today 💕 (Patreon)
#Doodles#DDoodles#I have had a very good day today :D Lots of laughing and reading and playing and to top it off I look and feel extra cute :D#My favourite hoodie and a tank top underneath - realized recently it's a killer combo hehe#And a rainbow heart bandana my brother got my for Christmas <3#I have been wearing it and the other one he got me camp-counselor neck-scarf style for what I think are obvious reasons (Handplates)#And technically ''normal'' pants but they're a very shiny material lol#They're not leather or squeaky or anything they're this nice sleek and heavy material#Very nice to the touch :) Just very shiny!#I've always love the look of bare shoulders and everything else covered and yup! Looks cute on me too! Haha ♪#So since I was feeling so cute I decided to make it my warmup :) Which ironically lasted longer than my intended art of the day lol#Didn't feel like it tho! :0 I felt slow the whole way through both lol practice leaves me so quickly haha#Still tho :D Rather pleased with both!#A good expression of my good day hehe ♪#First digital of 2024 off to a good start ♫#[First uploaded Jan 5th] Lol
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end of march is crazy for writing like i have a 1.5k essay im doing today and tomorrow, a 2k word essay im doing wednesday and a 1k word research proposal im doing friday. and in the remaining week of the month i am WILLINGLY going to finish taob (~10k OPTIMISTICALLY) and make a solid start on tams (~5k-10k depending on how well writing goes). like yes girl write around 20k words worth of MULTIPLE PROJECTS in a handful of days there is no way this can end badly at all
#'hella no one is pressuring you to post anything if you arent able to or are overwhelmed by the barrage of uni work you have atm' stfu#i cannot stress enough the moment i give myself a self-imposed deadline for a fic it HAS to be met#like you guys could beg me to chill out and i simply would not cave#also i just got back from dnd and it was such a good session like i have actual friends there now#and the DM from today actually messaged me on facebook afterwards saying how much he enjoyed playing with me#and he said i brought a lot to the table and my interaction was 'better than some people that have been playing for 5+ years'#I GOT A GOOD GRADE IN DND SOMETHING THAT IS BOTH NORMAL TO WANT AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE#and next week is the first week im going without my mate bc she's away so i was a little nervous#but then this guy that's basically adopted us was like 'omg i'll make sure we're on a table together so you at least know me!'#which was nice enough on its own BUT THEN this dm that's been playing for over 40 years who always chats with us after#was like INSISTANT that we go on his table next week which im SO buzzing for bc he's like a veteran player he knows SO MUCH#and it felt very cool that he was actively inviting us like i dont think that's something he does often#hehehe im having fun with the freaks and weirdos <3333#hella goes to uni
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........creachure
#cats#his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way...#it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy#his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat)#I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol#the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally#I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh#currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from#sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous#and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that#I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky#because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr#ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your#guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature#be upon ye..#Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely.#but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start#On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed#.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes.#sculptures. edit videos. etc. ).#anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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...What day is it? I didn't notice.
#oc f/o#f/o art#self shipping#self ship art#fictional other art#felt like drawing myself normally again -w-#Hadri would like my hair...lots of opportunities to get close#I'm not doing too much today#I think it's best for me to not put to much weight on it#sorry for the weird title I really don't know what to put;;#painted my nails black today#and I managed to put together a cute enough drawing with us! So I feel good about that
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ok im a really chill and normal person and i get over things and am well adjusted but take a walk with me here. just give me my time to complain when im not in the absolute fucking trenches. and yes i believe i suffered more than those in trench warfare. it was literally a lesbian situationship with a bistraight girl come on. just. magenta choppy shag with the roots coming in. camo cargo pants black t shirt with red lettering and striped long sleeve (sign someone likes music. confirmed). lip ring big black stud earrings and nails. red docs. i think lesbians should be allowed to kill one dyke baiter in their lifetime idc
#and now we're gonna get into some quiet parts and youre just gonna let me have this#i. am so sick. first of all it was kinda funny how people ik ended up sorta surrounding her. felt good. but like we've shared a space#together since everything. i can like be in her presence it's seriously fine. that said. i do sometimes miss her#i say this after going through the really hating her guts period bc of her evil evil evil ways. and feeling like she's lame as hell bc she#s. but i mean it's me talking i have my problems too. i Hate the way we always so naturally act in sync. and i hate that we've both picked#each others' brains for hours so it's like. i knew you once and now we can't even look each other in the eye and that just really sucks#and i feel like. not that i strictly believe in these things. but we were sort of twin flames. i largely suffered for like. basically#falling in love w her. and i know i didn't leave as much of a mark. but i still hope it sucked a little for her#and i'll admit i think it'd be some sort of miracle if we could ever talk civilly. unfortunately we work in two ways#literally behaving in Ways and borderline fucking or not speaking. so. here we are#and i already humiliatingly tried to extend an olive branch this summer so im not gonna be fucking stupid. yk#but GOD how annoying. i did talk to situationship today and we were relatively normal so at least that's not deathly awkward#it's still. definitely um. stiff. but not terrible#i need to get to the club. pretend theres a cig emoji im on desktop rn#sorry for this.#film girl saga
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y'all who actually have partners,, what is a text ice breaker to start conversation? im really bad at it 😭
it feels important to note that when we do talk, the conversation flows great we have a nice rapport and complimentary senses of humors it's just starting the conversation that is the problem i think we are both just painfully shy 😔 (and maybe traumatized .)
#all my friends have offered is 'send a meme' which just gets me a heart react which is nice and all but i wanna SPEAK TO THEM.#and ive also done ~little random updates of my day~ which also works but on my days off i dont DO anything so i cant be like .#hey i rotted in bed all day what did you do#i feel like he's interested but shy ?? i guess ?? or maybe unsure if i feel the same way so he doesnt rly initiate#he did the other day just send me a photo of him working as a little life update which i took as a good sign :) and it sparked a short conv#i just dont know what to talk about or rather i wanna talk about literally everything but i dont wanna be annoyingggg#i dont know whats annoying and what isnt i guess is the main issue#he just got back from a 2 week work trip thing like working nonstop and normally we'd both be free tuesdays (tmrw) but since he JUST got#back today i figured it would be rude and/or seem desperate or clingy of me to ask if he wanted to hang this week#am i just crazy ?? oftentimes yes#it's also 10pm on a monday so i couldnt ask now anyway BUT I WOULD STILL LIKE TO JUST TALK#BUT I DONT WANNA BE ANNOYING all ive ever done in the past is annoy ppl or come off too 'weird' by just trying to get to know them#AND I DONT WANNA MESS UP THIS TIME CAUSE I THINK I DO GENUINELY LIKE THIS GUY IVE JUST NEVER BEEN IN THIS POSITIONNNNN#ITS NEVER FELT REAL#OK BYE
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