#today also marks 3 weeks since date 1

[onedivision]

simply. so much

[silverb0wties]

Lemonade - Part 3

leah williamson x alessia russo x child!reader

Summary: When something bad happens to your Mummy and Daddy, you end up living with your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah.  But is there room for you considering they have a new baby on the way?

Chapter Summary:  You go back to school and you try and make yourself useful

Warnings: bullying, homophobia, misogyny 

|| Part 1 || Part 2 ||

PART 3

“30 days has September, April, June and November…”

You had set yourself the task today to make yourself a calendar.  Maths had never been your strongest subject in school, but you were excellent at remembering, so you knew the month song off by heart and were mumbling it to yourself as you began digging into your desk draw to retrieve some art supplies.

The decision to make the calendar had hit you last night when you were reading one of your new library books before bed and the return receipt slipped out of the back cover and onto your lap.  Normally, it was the very first thing you retrieved when you got home from the library, making sure to mark the return dates down on your big white board calendar on the fridge.  But you were still getting used an entirely new routine in your new house and you’d completely forgot to look for the slip.

Now that you had it though, you had to make sure you noted down the dates somewhere you could easily see them.  So, with a few pieces of paper, a ruler and some markers, you drew up a calendar for the next few months.  By checking the borrow date on the receipt and counting how many days it had been since your library visit, you managed to figure out what todays date was.  From there, and with the help of that handy month song, you’d managed to fill in the rest of the dates.   

When it was all completed you stepped back to examine your work.  If you were honest with yourself, your lines could have been drawn straighter and your handwriting could have been much, much neater.  But you didn’t have the energy to redo it, so it would have to do.  For now. 

You surveyed your room for someone to put it.  In your old house your calendar was on the fridge, out in the open for everyone to see and help you keep track of.  Here, it needed to be hidden from your Aunties, so that it was your responsibility, and your responsibility alone, to make sure you were staying on top of everything.

Everything.

A wave of guilt crashed over you as you remembered all the other things you would keep track of on your calendar.  Now that you were a big girl, you had been helping around the house and you had chores.  You would set the table and help take the cups and plates and spoons out of the dish washer (only Mummy and Daddy could touch the knives).  You would also check for mail every morning and there was a pretty purple watering can you got use to water the flowers in the front garden a couple of times a week.

But you didn’t do any of that here at your Aunties house.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Part of you worried that your Aunties didn’t trust you enough to ask you to help out around the house.  Perhaps they thought you weren’t smart enough or strong enough or big enough to lend a hand.  Or maybe they were secretly mad that you hadn’t insisted on helping and were keeping a top-secret list of all the times you didn’t help out and they would present it to you on a big, long scroll on the day they kicked you out their house.

You shuddered at the thought of that.  That was a day you thought about often.  You didn’t know how many days or weeks or months it was until the baby was here, but surely your time here at your Aunties house was running out.  You needed to do everything in your power to be good until then so that they didn’t kick you out any sooner.  

That night before tea, you made sure to wash your hands extra good before heading into the kitchen where your Aunty Lessi was cooking.  

“Aunty Lessi, could I set the table?”

“Oh sure!  If you’d like.  Just give me a moment and I’ll show you where everything is.”

You grinned in silent satisfaction, glad that it seemed like your Aunty wasn’t outright opposed to you proving your worth.  After your Aunty Lessi finished with whatever she was stirring on the stove, she led you over to various cupboards and drawers and pointed out where the placemats, plates and cutlery lived.  Whilst there were a few plastic cups in the same cupboard as the plates for you to use, the glasses your Aunties drank out of were on a higher shelf that were too high for you to reach.

“Don’t worry about those, I can grab them” she insisted.

“I could get a chair or something to stand on?”

“Don’t be silly, Bun Bun.  I’ll get them.  Thank you for getting everything else though.”

Silly. Silly. Silly.

Once you were all sat down for dinner, you watched your Aunty Lessi spin spaghetti around her fork before you took a deep breath in and began.

“Did I do okay at setting the table?”

“You did a great job, Bunny!” Your Aunty Leah was smiling big and bright at you.  She had a bit of sauce on her chin, but you thought it would be rude to tell her.

“Do you think I could do it every night?” you asked.

“Uhh… I mean, if you want to, sure.”

Victory.  One chore to add to the calendar.

“What about the post?  Can I be in charge of checking that too? Does it come in the mornings?”

You observed as your Aunties caught eyes with each other across the table, seeming to have a silent conversation.

“Umm, yes I suppose you could do that if you like,” Aunty Lessi nodded.

“Great!  And I can help empty the dishwasher.  No knives of course, but I can do spoons and plates and bowls and cups and stuff.  And maybe I can water some of your flowers, or all of them?  Or I can learn how to do other stuff too.  Like I could figure out how to do the laundry or clean the bathrooms or anything you want really…”

You hadn’t really realised, but you had pulled your knees up to your chest as your rant had gone on.  Your head was now resting on top of them as you looked eagerly between your Aunties, waiting for their response.  They were doing the silent conversation thing again.

“You don’t need to do all those things sweetheart.  We appreciate you offering, but maybe we’ll wait until you’re a bit older to do things like the laundry and stuff, yeah?” your Aunty Lessi responded.

You felt your stomach drop.  Your Aunty Lessi’s voice was kind, but you knew what her words meant.  They didn’t think you were big enough to help.

“How about we start off with setting the table for tea and checking the mail?  You’re still just settling in here, so we don’t wanna overload you with too much stuff to remember to do.”

--

It may have been bright and sunny outside, but today was a day you had been absolutely dreading.  You had decided to hang your calendar on the back of your bedroom door so that nobody but you would see it, and you had made sure to mark this day with a bright red circle and big a sad face.  Today was the day you were going back to school. 

You weren’t sure how it was decided or who decided, but you’d had a couple of weeks away from school after the fire and now it was time to go back.

You had only been back at school for 3 weeks of the new school year before the fire happened, so your parents had only just bought you brand-new dresses and shoes to replace the previous ones you’d outgrown.  Your pencil case had been filled with fresh crayons and sharp pencils, and you’d only just put a really cool new bunny sticker that your Uncle Gio had given you on your lunchbox.  But now, you had to start all over again.

So today, as you sat in front office with your Aunties, you were wearing a brand-new school dress and shoes and socks and Aunty Lessi had done your hair in a pretty braid with some pretty ribbons.  You also had a brand-new backpack and lunch box and pencil case, and you even had a brand-new iPad in a shiny purple case. 

In theory, you were all set to go.

But just under the surface, just beneath the layer of hairspray and the stiff gingham fabric, you were absolutely dreading heading back to the big noisy classroom and scary, sticky playgrounds.

You didn’t have heaps of friends at school like most of the other kids seemed to have.  You did have one good friend though.  Nora.  She also really liked to read and was super into comic books and superheros.  You didn’t really understand why she liked them, but you were more than happy to listen to her when she wanted to tell you all about them.  You would then tell her some cool bunny facts in return. 

This year the school librarian, Mr Webster, had let you both work on a big jigsaw puzzle every lunchtime.  He kept it safe and flat on a special piece of wood that he hid on top of his bookshelf in his office when you weren’t working on it.  It was a really, really big puzzle with loads more pieces than any other puzzle either of you had ever done before.  You were both determined to finish it before Christmas, but you weren’t sure if Nora had kept going while you were away.  You hoped she had but you also secretly hoped there was still some pieces left for you to do.  

Unlike previous years, Nora wasn’t in your class this year.  You were in Mrs Green’s class, and she was in Miss Roberts’ class.  You’d both written a letter to each teacher requesting to be swapped into each other’s class, but it hadn’t worked.  You were stuck alone in the classes you were in, and honestly, you were miserable. 

You see, it wasn’t that you didn’t have any other friends, that didn’t bother you much at all.  It was the fact that a bunch of the other kids seemed to actively dislike you.  In fact, the thing they seemed to like most in the whole world was picking on you.  They called you names and pulled on your hair and threw things at you.  You couldn’r really pinpoint exactly when it all started, but your first and most vivid memory was when Mitchell Timms had snatched your copy of The Worst Witch out of your hands one lunch time.  He threw it in a muddy puddle and stomped on it until all the pages were torn and the words had jumbled together.  When you ran over to try and save the book, a gift you’d received on your latest birthday, Mitchell just laughed at you and called you a “loser weirdo”. 

For the first 3 weeks of school this year, you had been sat next to a boy named Ollie and it had been awful.  He kept bumping your arm on purpose while you were trying to write and had laughed whenever you got frustrated that you had to erase and redo your mistakes.  One time he had even pulled your chair out from underneath you when you went to sit down, leading you to land on your bottom on the floor with a thud.  The whole class had pointed and laughed at you.  You had run out of the classroom and hid under a bench to try and calm yourself down.

When the teacher came to find you, you were curled in a ball, rubbing your Pocket Arthur softly against your cheek.  Pocket Arthur was your school buddy.  When you’d moved up from Reception into Primary School, your parents had bought you a miniature version of Arthur that you could keep tucked away in your pocket.  They said that now that you were going to big school, Arthur could no longer come along with you, but they wanted to make sure you still had a little buddy to always keep you company.  So, he was your Pocket Arthur, or Pockie for short. 

But he died in the fire too.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

So, on the night before you went back to school, you’d searched through your room, trying to find something to fill the big empty space left by Pockie when he died – the pocket of your school dress.  You tried crumpling up a wad of tissues, but the texture of it was all wrong.  Next you tried a balled-up pair of socks, but it felt scratchy when you tried rubbing it against your cheek.  You looked over the stuffies your Aunties had bought you, but they were all far too big to fit in your pocket.    

One of the stuffies caught your eye however as your dug through the little pile of toys.  It was on the bottom of pile, and you hadn’t seen it since you moved here.  It was a lovely and soft grey kangaroo, with pointy ears and a long tail.  You rather liked kangaroos, because while they were a completely different species to bunnies and could only be found in the wild in Australia, they kind of reminded you of really big rabbits.  As you pressed the soft fur to your cheek, something small fell in your lap.  Picking it up, you realised it was a baby kangaroo.  It must have fallen from the big kangaroo’s pouch.  It was perfect.  The perfect size, the perfect feel, the perfect squish.  You rubbed it against your cheek.  Bliss.  Holding it gently in your little hands, you squinted your eyes and ran your thumbs across the soft fur trying to figure out the perfect name for your new pocket pal.  Bailey.  She seemed like a Bailey.

And it was Bailey who you clung to, you hand shoved deep in your pocket, when the Headteacher Mrs Brinley called you all into her office.

You watched as both your Aunty Lessi and Aunty Leah shook hands with Mrs Brinley and then you all sat down on big uncomfortable chairs across the table from her.  You’d never been in her office before, so you took a moment to look around, noticing a bunch of certificates in big frames on the wall, a huge bookcase full of books and some photos of who you assumed were her family.

“Well, while we were very, very sad to hear about what has happened, we are glad that Y/K is back at school with us.  Hopefully being back in class will help her with getting back to her regular routine and schedule and assist her in feeling more settled.”

Her voice wasn’t unkind, but everything she said always sounded like she’d been rehearsing for it like it was a speech she had to give in front of the whole school.

“We have both of your phone numbers, as well as the number for your workplace, and we will call you should there be any issues.  But I’m sure Y/K will do just fine.”

Your Aunty Leah gently squeezed your hand that wasn’t firmly stuffed in your pocket, clinging onto Bailey for dear life.

“Mrs Green is going to meet you just back out in the front office and she will walk you up to class.  So, unless anyone has any questions, I’ll let you all get to it.”

You all shuffled back out the front office, where your teacher was waiting for you.  Aunty Lessi knelt down and gave you a big cuddle.

“Okay Bunny. You have fun on your first day back, alright?  And if anything goes wrong, or you don’t feel good or you feel sad… you just let your teacher know to call us okay.”

Aunty Leah leaned over and gave you a kiss on the forehead and stroked your cheek.  “You’ve got everything you need in your backpack, so you’re all set to go.  You’ve got this.”

“Okay.”

“We love you.”

The walk to your classroom was mostly filled with your teacher telling you about all the things you’d missed while you’d been away from school.  A little bubble of dread was beginning to build in your stomach as you realised all the work you now had to catch up on.  But by lunchtime that bubble had been replaced by a boulder.

Holding your lunch box and book tight to your chest, you looked around the hall for a spare seat.  Normally, you and Nora would sit together to eat your lunch and then go to the library, but to make a bad day even worse Nora was away from school today.  You had spent a solid 5 minutes looking for her, but according to a student in her class she’d had to stay home because she a nasty tummy bug.

The hall was quickly filling up as students grabbed their hot meals or lunch boxes and sat down at their chosen tables.  It quickly became apparent that the only spot left was one on the end of a table filled with some of the children who didn’t like you.  You’d spent so long looking for Nora, you’d been left with no other option.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

With a deep breath, you headed over to the table.  You sat quietly in the seat, hoping you would go unnoticed.

You didn’t.

“Why you sitting with us, Y/K?  Isn’t there anyone else you can sit with?” Jessica asked as you unzipped your lunch box.  You just shook your head in response.  A chorus of grumbles followed from the rest of the kids sitting at the table.

“Eww yuck, why does she have to sit with us?”  

“Where’s her weirdo friend?”

“Maybe she can sit on the floor instead.”

You just tried to tune them out, grabbing a sandwich out of your lunch box to munch on.  Your first bite was interrupted when the boy sitting beside you, Max, nudged you.

“Hey, were those your new Mums who brought you into school today?”

You hastily swallowed your sandwich, wanting to explain. “They’re my-” It was no use.  The group quickly began announcing their thoughts on the matter before you had a chance to correct them.

“Two Mums?  How can someone have TWO Mums?  That’s not right.”

“Yeah, my Dad says that it’s disgusting when two boys or two girls are married or kiss and stuff!”

“Oh yeah, like, have you ever saw two lads kiss? It’s weird!”

“I saw two ladies kissing when my Pop took me to the football last week.  He said they were going straight to hell!”

“As if she wasn’t weird enough, now she’s got two Mums too!”

Something inside you snapped, and you found yourself with your fists clenched and your cheeks red, Bailey long forgotten in your pocket.

“Yeah, well, they’re not my Mums, they’re my Aunties.  And they’re really nice and really clever and super cool.  And they play football for England, and and for the red and white club with the cannon!  And my Aunty Leah is the captain and everything! So that’s cooler than any of your families, ever!”

There was a short silence before they all started laughing.

“Girl’s football!  That doesn’t count!”

“That’s not real football!”

“Arsenal!  Pfffft.”

“I can’t wait to tell my Dad about this.”

“One of them looked pregnant when I saw them outside the office.  There’s no way they let her play like that!”

“That’s why they shouldn’t let girls play!”

“Wait, how is she having a baby if there’s no Daddy to put the baby in her?”

Whilst the rest of the comments had begun to muddle together and fade into the background as you tuned them all out, this last one pierced through.  Your head shot back in the direction of Jessica, the girl who had asked the question.  She was looking straight at you with her eyes squinted, twirling a strand of her hair around her pointer finger.

You hadn’t ever stopped to think about this.  To be honest you’d never really been interested in where babies came from.  You knew that whilst it varied from breed to breed, bunnies were pregnant for an average of 31 days and had litters of babies.  You also knew that humans usually only had one baby at a time and they were pregnant for around 9 months.  But you didn’t know how either bunnies or humans became pregnant.  Honestly, you were stumped.

“Guess you didn’t learn that in any of your stupid books, huh? Loser.”

[slavghoul]

Hello, I prepared some statistics to give you a short overview of Ghost's amazingly successful 2022. It is based on data I collected between 22/12/2021 and 22/12/2022.

-

The big Ghost event of 2022 was of course the release of the band's fifth album, IMPERA.

Since March 11, it has sold nearly 500,000 copies, won the American Music Award for Favorite Rock Album and received a Grammy nomination for Best Metal Performance ('Call Me Little Sunshine').

Within the first week of its release, the album reached #2 on the Billboard 200 (ranking the 200 most popular music albums and EPs in the United States) and ranked in the top 20 best-selling albums in 19 countries across the world:

#1 in Sweden, Austria, Germany, Finland, Spain

#2 in US, UK, Belgium, Norway, Netherlands

#3 in Australia, Canada

#5 in Switzerland, Ireland, France

#7 in Poland

#8 in Hungary

#12 in Denmark, Portugal

#20 in Italy

IMPERA is Ghost’s best charting album to date.

-

On YouTube, the band amassed a staggering 260 million views. 840,000 people subscribed to the channel this year, which makes up 42% of all current subscribers.

5 most watched videos on YouTube in 2022:

Mary On A Cross (Official Audio) – 32 million views

Call Me Little Sunshine (Official Music Video) – 15 million views

Square Hammer (Official Music Video) – 11 million views

Mary On A Cross (Live in Tampa 2022) – 8.2 million views

Spillways (Official Music Video) – 6.8 million views

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On Spotify, the band amassed 1,285,625 new followers. That’s around 61% of all followers since the band appeared on the platform.

5 most streamed songs on Spotify in 2022:

Mary On A Cross -  193,709,473 streams

Call Me Little Sunshine – 41,108,589 streams

Square Hammer – 29,720,042 streams

Dance Macabre – 26,494,053 streams

Spillways – 24,910,870 streams

-

It goes without saying that the viral success of Mary On A Cross on TikTok brought in a lot of new fans this year, but the magnitude of it becomes even more astonishing if you look at numbers.

On this graph, I marked a few events that resulted in a noticeable spike in the number of monthly listeners on Spotify, including the approximate time when MOAC began to gain traction on TikTok. As you can see, nothing, not even the release of a new album, gave the band as much attention as the 3-year old song suddenly raising in popularity on one single platform.

Between end of July and beginning of October, the number of monthly listeners on Spotify skyrocketed from 2.5 million to 12 million. This is a 380% increase.

Although the numbers have been in decline since then, it appears that for the past month they have stayed at a steady 9 million. As of today (Dec 22, 2022) the exact number is 9,110,996. Exactly a year ago (Dec 22, 2021) the number was 1,999,951. A hefty 355% increase in only a year.

-

Some other milestones and fun facts:

On June 7, Cirice, Dance Macabre, and Square Hammer were all certified Gold by the RIAA for sales of 500,000 units in the USA. Following the viral success, Mary On A Cross was also certified Gold on November 20.

The band's most liked post on Instagram this year was a video of Papa throwing the first pitch at the White Sox game (273,241 likes).

The episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live where Ghost performed Call Me Little Sunshine was watched by around 1.3 million people.

In September, Ghost reached over 12 million monthly listeners on Spotify and was the 450th most streamed artist globally - that's 450 out of over 11 million!

As of today with over 1.6 billion accumulated streams Ghost is one of the 1,000 most successful artists on the platform of all time (currently #808).

On September 11, Mary On A Cross peaked at #1 in the Viral Hits chart on Spotify in 54 countries across the world.

It was also the highest charting Swedish song on the platform in 2022, peaking globally at #31.

-

At this point I think it’s safe to declare that Ghost’s global success reached unprecedent heights this year and even allowed them to officially join the ranks of mainstream artists. With all of the above, 70 completed shows this year and many more to come in 2023, and with media of the likes of The Wall Street Journal proclaiming Ghost “the next generation of arena stars,” it looks like that the band is well on the way to become one of the biggest rock acts of this century. Not bad for a side project started by one Swede in his bedroom somewhere in Linköping. 

Let us hope 2023 will be as devilishly good!

[sequinsmile-x]

have you ever written a fic where emily and her daughter have separation anxiety by any chance ?? if not, possible prompt if you like! (LOVE everything you write, hope ur having a great day today<3)

hi bestieee

of course! <3 this turned into a 3 parter because of who I am as a person, so keep an eye out for the next two parts over the next week or so that will explore other moments in their daughter's childhood

hope you enjoy this, let me know what you think! <3

-x-

Slipping Through My Fingers

The one in which Emily and her daughter struggle with separation anxiety.

1/3

-x-

Warnings: None

Words: 3.3k

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily presses the touchscreen of her phone, blowing out a slow breath at the lack of messages. She focuses on the picture she has as her wallpaper and smiles, tracing her finger over her daughter's face, the baby fast asleep in her arms. 

The picture was taken six weeks ago on the day Stella was born. Jess had brought Jack to the hospital to meet his newborn sister. Aaron had picked him up and sat on the bed, the enthusiastic little boy wriggling in his embrace as he tried to make sure he was careful with Emily and Stella. Jess had snapped the photo of them all, the first photo of them as a family of four, and then she’d sent it to Emily. 

She’d set it as her wallpaper immediately, finding herself endlessly grateful for the reminder of the joy she’d felt that day in the difficult, relentless early days of motherhood. 

“Still nothing from JJ?”

Emily looks up at her husband, a flash of embarrassment rolling through her until she sees his soft smile, nothing but love and understanding flowing out of every pore. She clears her throat and shakes her head. 

“Nothing,” she says, reaching for her drink and taking a sip. Anxiety she’d felt since they’d left home, Jack and Stella in the care of JJ, bubbles low in her gut, burning up her throat and taking residence in her chest, filling the space her heart used to be before she left it at home. She blows out a breath and shakes her head at herself, “I’m sorry I’m ruining date night.” 

It had been his idea. She’d barely left Stella’s side since she was born, and the longest they’d been apart was an hour when Emily had gone to get her hair done, something that was again at his insistence because he knew she needed a break. He knew she needed this too, that she needed just a few hours where she was Emily, but he could see her resistance. The guilt and anxiety simmering under her skin getting worse with every passing minute, her focus constantly on her phone in case JJ called like she said she would if she ran into a problem. 

He’d spoken to JJ separately when he’d asked her to look after Jack and Stella for the evening, pulled her aside at work and crossed the boundary of professional and personal to ask for her help. He knew what Emily needed was advice from a friend who had been in the same position, and JJ’s gentle coaxing as she settled a slightly fussy Stella into her arms just a couple of hours ago had, albeit briefly, calmed his wife down. He also knew that she was worried about the fact she was going back to work in six weeks, the halfway mark of her maternity leave one of the reasons he’d decided now was a good time for date night, but he knew now wasn’t the time to broach that subject, his worst fear being he’d somehow make it worse. He reaches out and places his hand over hers, smiling softly as he links their fingers together.

“Sweetheart, you aren’t ruining anything,” he assures her, rubbing his thumb back and forth on the heel of her hand, “I’m having a good time.”

She chuckles humourlessly and shakes her head, her eyes fixed on their joint hands, “I don’t think sitting with your wife whilst she obsessively checks her phone counts as a good time, honey.” 

He lifts their joint hands and presses a kiss to her knuckles, “Any time I spend with you is a good time.” 

She presses her lips together in a failed attempt to hide her smile and she rolls her eyes. She never thought that she’d fall in love with someone quite like him. Someone who could disarm her so quickly, his love for her both unexpectedly soft and unrelenting in its nature. Sometimes when she told JJ and Penelope about him, about the things he’d say when it was just the two of them, they struggled to believe her. The romantic and charming man he was in private completely at odds with their stern and serious boss. 

“You say the most ridiculous shit sometimes,” she says, squeezing his hand, “Sweet. But ridiculous,” she finds her gaze drifting back to her phone and she growls in frustration at herself, “God, what is wrong with me?” She rests her head on the hand not linked with his, her fingers tangling into her hair, “I’ve never felt like this before. When we don’t see Jack because he’s at school or we are at work I miss him, but it doesn’t feel like this.” 

He knows he has to choose his next words carefully, so he takes a moment, playing the conversation he’d practised in his head more than once over the last couple of weeks. He knew his wife well enough to know this was coming, her love for Jack one of the many things he loved about her.

“It’s different,” he says, wincing internally when her face already starts to fall, “You-”

“I don’t love Stella more than I love Jack, Aaron,” she says fiercely, trying to remove her hand from his but he just holds on tighter, “I love them the exact same-”

“I know you do,” he says, cutting her off this time, not wanting her to get into her own head about it, “But Jack was older when you came into his life as his mom. Taking him to school or us going away on cases has always been part of your relationship with him,” he says, grateful when he sees the tension in her shoulders melt away as quickly as it had appeared. “I know you love him, Em. Our kids are so lucky to have you as their mom.” 

She blushes at the compliment, one she could never hear too often, her insecurities always taking residence in her chest whenever she couldn’t settle Stella, or Jack was in a bad mood. Seeds that had been planted long before she ever decided to become a mother, so sure that her own mother’s lack of maternal instinct was genetic, that she was doomed to repeat the cycle. There were moments when the insecurity would bloom, the flowers of it taking up all the space in her chest and making it hard to breathe, but Aaron was always there. Always happy to reassure her and pull her insecurities out by the root, slowly healing the wounds that only he could see. 

She fights a smile but fails, only able to roll her eyes when he winks at her, pride for making her smile swelling in his chest before he turns serious, sensing her need for reassurance. She’d never ask for it, but she never had to. 

“It’s normal to find this difficult,” he says, “She’s your baby. You’ve never been apart from her like this before. It’s an adjustment for you both.” 

She blows out a shaky breath. It catches in her chest and it makes her ache, a feeling that had become all too familiar these last several months. She’d, optimistically, hoped that once she’d given birth her hormones would balance out quickly. Her lack of emotional control was her least favourite side effect of pregnancy by far. She hated not being able to hide how she was feeling, the walls she’d built around herself when she was still too young to understand what she was doing crumbling around her at the smallest thing. She was even driven to tears on several occasions by the fact she couldn’t stop crying, something that Derek had once taken great joy in until she threatened his ability to procreate if he laughed at her again. Her dislike of being constantly emotional outweighed her hate of even the extreme nausea she’d experienced in the first trimester, something that had made her sensitive to every smell including Aaron’s cologne. He’d taken it in his stride, as he had with everything, and he’d taken to not wearing it anymore and glaring at anyone who ate something near her that triggered her nausea. 

She looks up to the ceiling to try and stop herself from crying, a desperate attempt to save the make up she’d painstakingly applied, surprised that she even remembered how to after 6 weeks of very little sleep. 

“I…I feel so unsettled,” she says, placing her hand on her soft belly, the skin still looser than she was used to, “She’s either been next to me or living inside of me for the better part of a year.” 

He feels his lips curl up into a smile at the tone of her voice, as if she’s chastising herself whilst simultaneously proving his point, “Exactly. You will adjust though, sweetheart. I promise.” 

She nods, having no choice but to believe him, “Does it get any easier?” 

“Oh god no,” he says quickly, shaking his head, his smile getting wider as she laughs loudly. 

“Jesus, Aaron,” she says, chuckling again, “You couldn’t have lied to me?” 

He squeezes her hand and leans across the small table to stamp a kiss on her cheek, “Never have, and I’m not about to start now,” he pulls back and she takes the opportunity to capture his lips in a quick kiss before he settles properly into his seat, “It’s never easy, but you do get used to it.” 

Her smile shakes and she nods, clearing her throat to try and shift the emotion that had settled there, “I guess that will have to be enough.” 

He lifts her hand and kisses it, and they settle into the silence for a moment, both of them enjoying it, a luxury they so rarely had these days, “Come on,” he says, kissing her hand once more before he lets go, “Let’s order dessert then we can go home.” 

She smiles at the mention of something sweet, her love for chocolate immediately boosting her mood. She picks up the menu and starts to look over it, aware of Aaron’s gaze burning into her. She looks up and finds him staring at her, having made no attempt to pick up his menu.

“What?” She asks, raising an eyebrow at him and he shrugs, finally breaking his gaze and looking at the menu. 

“Nothing, you just look beautiful, that’s all.”

She presses her lips together, love and want spreading through her, burning her from the inside out. She looks at her menu and moves her foot under the table, smiling when he jumps when she runs it up his leg, pride that she could still do this to him rushing through her. 

“Speaking of dessert,” she says, purposely not looking up at him, “I am wearing some very nice new lingerie under this dress,” she smiles as her eyes meet his, “So if we get the baby down to sleep easily…” 

She drifts off and has to stop herself from laughing at how wide his eyes are. It had been a long six weeks for both of them, and her doctor giving her the all clear just a couple of days ago had been nothing short of relief. His brain seemingly comes back online and he looks from her to the waiter, grabbing his attention as he walks by. 

“Check please.” 

___

Emily hums quietly as she looks down at Stella, smiling softly when she sees that the baby is already half asleep, her eyes drifting shut as she unlatches from her, milk drunk and content in her mother’s arms. 

“We need to burp you first, sweet girl. Then you can go back to sleep,” Emily says, lifting her to rest her against her chest, rearranging her dress and bra as she does so, she kisses the side of Stella’s head and gently pats her back. She breathes her in, the sweet scent that she’d come to associate with her daughter over the last several weeks washing over her, creating a sense of calm that eases the last bit of anxiety in her chest, “Mommy missed you tonight.” 

When they got home, Emily had barely acknowledged JJ, throwing her friend a quick smile as she went upstairs to see Stella. Aaron had stayed and said goodbye to their friend for both of them, thanking her again for looking after the kids so they could go out. Stella had been asleep when they first got home, but it hadn’t lasted long. It was as if she’d sensed Emily was in the room, waking up almost immediately when she walked in to check on her. Emily was grateful for it, not only because she’d wanted to hold her, but because her breasts were almost bursting, and she didn’t want to pump. 

“I figured you’d be feeding her,” Aaron says as he walks into the room, a glass of water and a chopped up banana on a plate, “I brought you your snack.” 

She smiles as she looks up at him, Stella letting out a timely burp that makes them both laugh, and Aaron walks over to join them on the small couch they’d bought for the nursery. 

“We just got done,” she says, resting her cheek on the top of their daughter’s head, “I’ll have some of that banana though,” she says, but before she can rearrange her hold on Stella to reach for some, he holds out a slice for her. She rolls her eyes, but says nothing as she opens her mouth for him to pop it in, “I need to text JJ,” she says as she eats, “Apologise for not saying thank you.” 

“She gets it, sweetheart,” he says, passing her another slice of the banana, “She’s a mom too. She gets it.” 

She hums and looks down at Stella, smiling softly when she sees she’s fast asleep already, content and safe in her arms, “I missed her so much, Aaron,” she says, shaking her head as she looks up at him, “We were gone for what, three hours? And I missed her so much. How…how am I going to go back to work? Go on cases and be away for days at a time,” she sighs and cups the back of Stella’s head, tracing the swirl of dark hair, the same cowlick that Aaron had that she’d always been fascinated with even before they were together, “I don’t know if I can.” 

He stares at her as she continues to stare at Stella, and he waits for her to say something else, to clarify further, but she doesn’t, “You don’t know if you can come back to work?” 

She blows out a shaky breath and shrugs, “I’d like to carry on working. Just…maybe not with the BAU.” 

She wasn’t even aware that was truly how she’d been feeling until she says it, but all of a sudden everything she’d been feeling for weeks clicks into place. The panic she felt whenever she thought about going back to work, a job she loved that had once defined her, instantly making sense. It had always been the plan that she’d go back to the team after her maternity leave. It seemed obvious. JJ worked on the team still even though she’d had Henry, Emily and Aaron did despite having Jack at home. Leaving the team had never even crossed her mind until she saw her daughter’s face, the doctor’s words that she’d had a girl still ringing in the air, the sex of the baby something they hadn’t found out until that moment. 

She knew she’d feel the same way even if they’d had another son, but when she was alone in the hospital that first night, Aaron at home with Jack, she’d looked at her daughter and wondered what her own first night of life had been like. If her own mother had sat and stared at her and thought about all the things she could be. 

Aaron nods and clears his throat, making sure his smile is encouraging as she looks at him, “If that’s what you want, we’ll make it work.” 

They’d agreed on it long before Stella was born, and Jess said she was happy to help with the kids when they were away on cases, but Aaron would be lying if he said he hadn’t seen this coming. He’d seen it in his wife’s face whenever anyone mentioned her going back to work, how she’d hold their daughter just a little tighter each time, and a part of him wished that he’d suggested this a long time ago, that he’d pushed it a little more than just an initial idea when they were planning what their life would look like after their little girl was born. 

“Would you be disappointed in me if I didn’t come back?” 

Her quiet words draw him out of himself, and he only realises then that he’d gone silent. The concerned look on her face makes him put his arm around her, around them, and he kisses his wife’s temple. 

As her boss, it would create some work. There would be paperwork, interviews for her replacement, trying to figure out what she herself would do next, but as her husband, he was more relieved than anything else, and he’d do anything to make sure she got what she wanted, what their family needed, even if it meant talking to the director himself. 

“There is nothing you could ever do that would disappoint me,” he says, his sincerity easing her anxiety, “On a selfish level I’d miss having you with me,” he smiles softly and reaches out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, “But never disappointed. If anything, I’m proud of you.” 

She frowns, her cheeks burning pink with the compliment, and she bites the inside of her cheek, “Proud of me?” 

He nods and kisses her forehead, his hand resting over hers on their daughter's back, “I’m always proud of you,” he says, kissing her forehead again before he pulls back, “And as I said earlier, our kids are lucky to have you as their mom.” 

She smiles, her face bright with it, the same smile he hopes their little girl will one day inherit, “They are pretty damn lucky to have you as their dad.” 

“Don’t say damn in front of the baby.” 

She rolls her eyes lovingly, ignoring his playful chastisement of her cursing, and she uses it to move the moment forward. They had a lot more to talk about, she knew that, but right now she wanted to flirt with her husband. She wanted to take advantage of the small amount of time they’d have before Stella woke up again. She smiles and shifts closer to him, making sure not to disturb their sleeping daughter, and she purposefully lowers her voice. 

“Feed me the rest of my snack,” she says, nodding towards the plate still balancing on his lap, “Then we’ll try and get her to our room without waking her up and put her down,” she bats her eyelashes at him, “And then I’ll show that new lingerie I told you about.” He stares at her for a moment and she laughs, leaning in even closer, “Focus, honey,” she says, winking at him, a smirk spreading across her face as their eyes meet, everything she’s feeling reflecting back at her in his eyes, “We have an hour or two at most before she wakes up again and I have plans for you that involve the shower.” 

He smiles, his gaze flicking down to her chest, to the peek of deep purple lace he can see sneaking past the hem of her dress. He picks up another slice of banana, his focus on how her tongue pokes out to lick her lower lip, “Yes ma’am.” 

-x-

Tag List:

@ssa-sparks, @ptrckjcne, @lyds102, @glockleveledatyourcrotch, @hotchnissenthusiast, @danadeservesadrink, @ssamorganhotchner, @emilyprentissisgod, @notagentprentiss, @freesiasandfics, @emilyshotchniss, @thecharmingart, @paulitalblond, @hancydrewfan, @camille093, @whitecrossgirl, @moonlight-2-6, @rawr-jess, @florenceremingtonthethird, @jareauswife, @ms-black-a, @beebeelank, @aubreyprc, @zipzapboingg, @psychopath-at-heart, @criminalmindsgonewrong, @fionaloover, @kinqslcys, @prentissinred, @ccmattis-22, @denvivale317, @thrindis, @hotchsguccitie, @cmfouatslota77, @alexblakegf, @aliensaurusrex, @prentissxhotch, @emobabeyy, @victoiregranger, @stormyweatherth, @wanderingdreamer009, @ssablackbird, @luhwithah, @lex13cm, @prentiss-theorem, @dont-emily-me, @mrs-ssa-hotch, @jocyycreation, @itsmytimetoodream, @hotchnissgroupie, @controversialpooh, @capsshinyshield, @canuck-eh

Join my tag list here!

[imsadstuff]

Loving You Is Red - A Jeon Jungkook Fic, teaser 3

Link to fic: here

Synopsis:

Jeon Jungkook's name was unheard on the Formula 1 paddock till he got a chance to drive a Mercedes car as a reserve driver. His 2020 starts looking brighter as he signs with Ferrari and meets you, his teammates little sister. So many cliched tropes, strangers to friends to lovers, slow burn, dating brother's best friend, and most importantly Jeon Jungkook looks smoking hot in a Ferrari!

Author's Note:

So, this has been collecting dust in my drafts since I watched Drive to Survive last year, watched the new season, and got motivated to write this fic.

The fic is going to be released on 17th March 2023, mark your calendars!!

Please comment under if you want to be added to the reading list for this fic! ❤ Also, if you have any thoughts or ideas, please feel free to comment or message me and for the love of Jungkook, don't be a ghost reader!

Race 8 Austrian Grand Prix 2020

“Why?” Jungkook asks as he’s walking to the Ferrari office. It’s a meeting and photoshoot heavy day for him.

“Because I have a job now, even if it’s sorting my father’s emails and arranging his meetings, I can’t be there every weekend” you explain calmly as you swivel around in your office chair.

“What’s your day like today?” he asks as a fan stops him for a picture, he’s becoming better at being popular as every race happens.

“We have a few apartment showings, so I’ll be shadowing him, start to figure out if I want to do this or not” you say sipping on your coffee, you’d been arriving early at the office to have some moments of peace before the chaos starts.

“What is your day like?” you ask him and he just grunts, knowing how bad it is to sit through meetings.

“I have a strategy meeting, another meeting with the communications team, lunch with a bunch of promoters and in the evening we’re shooting a bunch of videos for ferrari’s youtube channel” Jungkook reiterates his schedule for the day, and he’s already starting to feel tired.

“Press has just been awful since the last race, no wonder we’re having comms meeting two days in a row” Jungkook had been trying to stay away from the negative headlines but everyone was absolutely shitting on Phillip this week.

“They like pitting you and Phillip against each other, last week was all the ammunition they needed” you had been screening all the click baity articles, they were absolutely making Phillip lose his mind.

“Do you think he hit me on purpose or was I really in his blind spot?” Jungkook asks opening the door to the conference room, most people are already here. Phillip is already slouched against a chair, looking defeated already.

“No comment” “Boo Freaking Hoo!!” he says and you can’t help but smile like a stupid idiot.

“Call me later if you can” you say and Jungkook hums a goodbye as he takes a seat opposite Phillip. 

“So, lots of bad press, people are divided” Claudia says, placing down multiple article print outs and newspapers on the table. 

“And thank you Phillip for snapping at the sky sports reporter, just handing them their headlines” this hasn’t been Phillip’s week, and he’s done with cameras and reporters.

“We need to take hold of the narrative or at least change it because the sponsors aren’t happy with the two drivers seemingly fighting each other. How about you go golfing or something this tuesday” Claudia suggests and Phillip immediately nods his head no. 

“He can’t golf to save his life and I have my sister’s birthday party that day-”

“So, just invite Jungkook, because I really need the news narrative to change” Claudia says with an authoritative tone, the two of them can’t even think about going against her. 

“I don’t want to intrude on a family thing-” Jungkook sounds a little offended by the whole situation, mostly he’s a little ticked off about you not telling him about your coming birthday.

“It’s not, it’s a surprise party with a few friends, I was going to invite you anyway” Phillip says and Claudia smiles widely.

“This is sorted then, I need at least a story with the birthday girl on the two of your instagram’s” The two of them are left alone as Claudia leaves, there’s still this animosity in the air.

“Just so we’re clear, I didn’t hit your car on purpose,” Phillip says, looking Jungkook square in his eyes.

“I know that,” Jungkook replies, a little too confidently.

“How can you be so sure?” Phillip asks as he sits up straight.

“You’re competitive, not petty” Jungkook leaves with a big smirk on his face, he’s been enjoying the season so far a little too much.

taglist:

@blancflms @nadzzzblog @kookiewhtaee @jksoftii @oiseul @elisaaru @coralmusicblaze @tearyjjeon

(comment under if you want to be added to the tag list)

[13ghostlytitties]

The Heart of a Hero is returning once more!

Today marks the 5-year anniversary of the premiere of HoaH, and is fairly close to the 3.5 year anniversary of its last official upload. Well, the wait is over. It’s time for me to resurrect this series and eventually bring it to its end (not that it left off anywhere close to ending 😉).

Since it’s been a while, I’ve put together a recap of the story so far that I’ll post at some point here. It’s not complete, I had to cut out some of the newer chapters since it just became a play-by-play synopsis that doubled the total word count, but hey, having to reread 5-10 chapters is better than rereading 150.

The tentative return date will be this time next month as I work on creating a backlog of chapters. If I need to push it back, I’ll let you know. As for other questions I’m sure some of you have, check below the cut. For those who don’t care, see you in a month, hopefully.

So, some questions I’m sure some of you are asking:

1: where have you been? And why did you stop?

I’m not gonna go into details since I’m not that kinda person, but overall, just been living life, dude. I originally began my unexpected hiatus when college was kicking my ass and expected to get right back to things, but some stuff happened, and by the time I had dealt with it, it was Spring of 2020. You can guess what stopped me up then lol. But yeah, things just got away from me and eventually, I didn’t have the time or energy to dedicate to diving headfirst back into this outside of unconnected one-off stuff like those Bang fics. There’s other facets too, of course, the biggest one being a general disinterest in the source material. I stopped reading MHA around the villains arc (though I’ve kept up a bit in terms of big stuff like the traitor reveal), so I lacked that interest to pull me back into this world. Where I left off in the story, in the middle of a complicated arc full of OCs and big fights and stuff, was also a hurdle to getting back into things. But I’m here now, I’m working on my backlog, and I’m gonna commit. If you guys are excited about my return, spread the word and lemme hear it so I can keep this motivation 🤟

2: Is A New Era coming back too?

And now for the other shoe to drop. It is not. Im very sorry, especially to those whose OCs I included, but it’s just not feasible. Every time I considered it or tried it, the whole return to the main story was stopped up with it. Anyone who’s interested in continuing it themselves in some way shape or form, you have my permission in terms of the general idea, the OC kids I came up with, the places that canon characters are in it, etc. As for other people’s OCs, I’d check with their creators. One again, very sorry, but it’s just not doable.

3: What will this return look like? How often are chapters gonna drop?

Still working out the specifics, but my idea for now is to drop 2 chapters a week. If I need to go on hiatus, I’ll announce as much and plan the placement of it much better so that I don’t stop in the middle of an arc. That way, the hiatus will only be a month instead of years lol. The schedule may change over time, but I’ll keep everyone informed as I move ahead with it

4: a lot has happened in the manga and anime and movies since you stopped. Will these things be worked into the series?

Nope. I stopped reading and probably won’t start again until it’s over and done with. More than that, I’ve been sitting on these plans for a couple years now and don’t feel like changing them much. Besides, this story has had a long, rich history of shitting in the soup of the canon story, so I’ll just continue doing my own thing

5: are you still as epic and cool and funny as in the past?

Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to. I never was ���

[daresplaining]

A Decade of Daredevil

Daredevil vol. 2 #500 connecting cover art by Marko Djurdjevic

Today is an important day for me, so I wanted to make sure I acknowledged it in some form. It was exactly ten years ago, on February 24th, 2013, that I read my very first Daredevil comic. It was a digital freebie on the Marvel website (the reason I know the exact date is because I still have the emailed receipt). I had heard the name Daredevil through the natural osmosis of reading other Marvel series, but I didn't know anything about the character. However, I was also at the stage in my superhero comics journey where I was reading everything I could get my hands on, so I was more than happy to give it a shot.

The issue in question was Daredevil Volume 2 #500. I've always wondered why they picked that particular one to offer up for free in order, presumably, to entice new readers to try out Daredevil, since not only is it the last issue of a story arc, it's the last issue of an entire run. It's a terrible entry point, and I had no idea what was going on. There was a woman in a coma, there was another woman getting kidnapped, Daredevil was destroying some guy's car... I distinctly remember getting to the scene where Black Tarantula dangles Foggy off a roof and being unsure how concerned I should be, since I didn't know if Foggy was an important character or just some dude. But against all odds, I enjoyed it! The action was cool, I was intrigued by Matt as a character, and so the next time I went to the comic book store, I made sure to check out their Daredevil collection.

I was in Montpellier, France, at the time, which has a wonderful little comic shop called Planètes Interdites (not, as far as I know, affiliated with any of the various other Forbidden Planets). Being overseas, they didn't get weekly new releases of American comics, but they did have a very nice selection of back issues in both English and French-- including, fortunately for me, the first issue of the current Daredevil run at the time, which was Volume 3 (Waid, Rivera, and Co. had been Daredevilling for just under a year-and-a-half by this point). I flipped through it and a few other back issues before eventually buying a Panini 2-in-1 French translation of Daredevil Volume 1 #288 and 289, because I really liked the art and also because I wanted to practice my French. I walked out of the store perfectly happy, unaware of what had just been planted in my brain.

Over the next few days, I found myself distracted at random moments by a mental image. It was a page from the Daredevil #1 I had so casually flipped through and then decided not to buy. It was this page:

Daredevil vol. 3 #1 by Mark Waid, Paolo Rivera, Joe Rivera, Javier Rodriguez, and Joe Caramagna

It kept coming back to me. It started taking over my thoughts. It wouldn't leave me alone. It was just...so cool! Finally, after a week of this, I couldn't take it anymore. I ran back to the comic book store and bought the issue. To this day, it remains probably my most-read issue of Daredevil, and coming back to it feels like sitting on a comfortable chair that you've had for a million years. I'm sure I have it memorized.

This issue gave me direction; hooked, I caught up with the rest of the current run, and at some point decided that I was going to commit to this thing. I was going to devote the time it would take to read every issue of Daredevil. How could I not? I was obsessed.

And so, I did.

Anniversaries like these are always weird. It feels like it's been forever, but also like it's been just a few short years, and I know that to many long-term DD fans, one decade is no time at all. It's hard to sum up the experience, all of the happiness this comic and these characters have brought me, the friends I've made, the nutty things I've done that I never would have considered trying otherwise-- getting up on the cosplay stage at the Marvel booth at one of the biggest conventions in the world...walking around in the sketchy corners of New York City at sunset alone to catch a glimpse of the Netflix show being filmed...making a fan blog on Tumblr... It's been a wild and exciting ten years, and I'm grateful to have been able to spend such a long time immersed in the Daredevil world and hanging out with a character who means so much to me. So, I guess...happy tenth anniversary to me and Matt Murdock. Thanks for the memories, man. Let's keep this going.

[daydreamerdrew]

Comics read this past week:

Marvel Comics:

Captain America (2017) #701-704

These issues were published across May 2018 to June 2018, according to the Marvel Wiki. All were written by Mark Waid. There was a far-future storyline that went through all of these issues. It was drawn by Leonardo Wilson. In issue #701 it was colored by Matt Wilson and in issues #702-704 it was colored by Jordie Bellaire. In issue #701 there was a 4-page story about Steve and Bucky fighting in WWII that was drawn by Adam Hughes. And there was a 4-page story about Steve going undercover for S.H.I.E.L.D. in 1968 that was drawn by J.C. Jones and colored by Paul Mounts.

A 3-page story about Sharon Carter protecting Steve when he was injured in WWII in issue #702 was drawn by Rod Reis. And a 5-page flashback in the middle of the far-future storyline part of the issue to a relevant fight between the Red Skull and Captain America was drawn by Howard Chaykin and colored by Jesus Aburtov. A 5-page story in issue #703 that took place back during the early “Cap’s Kooky Quartet” days of the Avengers was penciled by Alan Davis, inked by Mark Farmer, and colored by Irma Knivilla. And the entirety of issue #704 was dedicated to the far-future storyline.

In the WWII flashback in issue #701 Steve has to fight Warrior Woman, who says that one of her motivations for trying to steal the Super-Soldier Serum is, “I’m hungry for men I won’t break in two.” I was surprised to see this kind of sexually-charged combat in a Captain America story. And in the WWII flashback in issue #702 I was surprised to see Peggy Carter right in the thick of battle, fighting with guns, because my previous exposures to flashbacks of her in WWII in Captain America and the First Thirteen (2011) #1 and the Captain America story in Tales of Suspense (1959) #77 had her distanced from fighting.

The main storyline taking place at an unspecified future date starred Jack Rogers, to whom Steve is his great-great-grandfather. The world is a utopia, “Everything Steve Rogers dreamt of and fought for made real.” In this utopia everyone has had the Super-Soldier Serum, and Steve is largely remembered as a “resource” because “it was autopsying and dissecting his remains that allowed scientists to isolate the elements of the Super-Soldier Serum that benefit us today.” Jack is a historian, one with a different, more nuanced and positive view of Captain America, and he has a good position in the government, partially because of ‘respect for his bloodline.’ However, Jack’s son Steve had a negative reaction to the Super-Soldier Serum and is very sick in the hospital, mirroring the first Steve Rogers’ life before he was given the serum.

Captain America (2018) #1

This issue was published in July 2018, according to the Marvel Wiki. It was written by Ta-Nehisi Coates, penciled by Leinil Francis Yu, inked by Gerry Alanguilan, and colored by Sunny Gho.

Captain America (2017) essentially ignored the preceding Secret Empire event. Captain America (2018) is where the aftermath for Steve of someone pretending to be him having taken over the U.S. for Hydra is beginning to be portrayed.

In this issue Steve says, “I’ve been at war since I was a boy.” He refers to himself as, “A man loyal to nothing… except the dream.”

Also, it looks like Bucky is going to be a supporting character in this book, which is of interest to me because they’ve largely been in separate solo books since Steve came back to life in 2010.

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #282-283

These issues were published across January 1983 to February 1983, according to the Marvel Wiki. Both were written by Bill Mantlo. The breakdowns of issue #282 were drawn by Sal Buscema, which were then finished by Joe Sinnott. And issue #283 was penciled by Sal Buscema and inked by Joe Sinnott.

In issue #282, when talking about her first time transforming into She-Hulk, Jennifer Walter says, “I was angry, scared… and blood raced in my veins… Your blood, Bruce!” When Bruce calls her my name during a fight, she says, “Don’t call me ‘Jen,’ Hulk- it upsets my concentration! I’ve got to be the savage She-Hulk now, to deal with this menace!”

Timely Publications:

the Captain America stories in Captain America Comics (1941) #15

This issue was published in June 1942, according to the issue cover date. It contained 2 20-page Captain America stories.

I want to note that I like how Bucky hypes Steve up. In “Captain America and the Tunnel of Terror” (written by Otto Binder; penciled by Al Avison; inked by Syd Shores) after Steve has beaten Nazi strongman Fritz Krone in hand-to-hand, Bucky says, “Cap! I saw it all and you were great!” And in “Captain America: The Invasion from Mars” (written by Otto Binder; drawn by Al Avison) when a bad guy asks who he is, Bucky speaks for Steve and says, “Just Captain America, the most powerful fighter on Earth! Give it to ‘im, Cap!”

DC Comics:

Batman (2016) #33-35

These issues were published across October 2017 to November 2017, according to the DC Wiki. I’m continuing rereading Tom King’s Batman run. This was “The Rules of Engagement” storyline. All were drawn by Joëlle Jones and colored by Jordie Bellaire.

I was not interested in the depiction of Bruce’s relationship with Selina here. I was interested in the depiction of the reaction of Bruce’s family to the news that he’s now engaged to Selina.

Superman (2023) #13

This issue came out this month, April 2024. It was written by Joshua Williamson, drawn by Rafa Sandoval, and colored by Alejandro Sánchez.

I talked about my thoughts relating to Lena, Lex, and Brainiac here. Outside of that, I am also genuinely interested in seeing what’s upcoming with Supergirl and Kon-El.

Shazam! (2023) #5-9

These issues were published across November 2023 to March 2024. All were written by Mark Waid. Issues #5-6 were drawn by Dan Mora and colored by Alejandro Sánchez. Issues #7-8 were drawn by Goran Sudžuka and colored by Ive Svorcina. And issue #9 was drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino and colored by Trish Mulyihill.

I wrote out my reactions to each individual issue here.

Fawcett Comics:

the Captain Marvel story in Whiz Comics (1940) #90

This story was published in October 1947, according to the issue cover date. It was 8 pages.

At one point in “Captain Marvel Versus the Mail Girl” (written by Otto Binder; possibly drawn by Pete Costanza) the titular mail girl, Candy, prevents Billy from saying his magic word by stuffing his face with chocolate (before kidnapping and trying to kill him). At the end of the story, when Candy is in jail, we see a panel of her in her cell saying, “Oh, the wretch!” and throwing down a box of chocolates labeled, “Chew on these while waiting for trial. Compliments of Captain Marvel.”

[shangtusianheroes]

Avalician Calendar

So doing Milla's file i began to ask myself " gee whats the Calendar for Avalice like " as i considered dates. And my DM brain started running in over drive and i sort of came up with this. I think this makes alot of sense! so ill probably refer to it in the future!

First, the Year! Trying to work this out seems impossible to determine. We don't know what the current year in game is but i worked an easy way to determine this for myself. The creation of the kingdom stone was the start of a new Era for the 3 kingdoms and the Kingdom Stone became a central part of there lives. Yet its destruction marked a new Era of technological advancement. So i worked out the following.

Era of the Kingdom Stone or EKS Era After the Kingdom Stone or EAKS or just AKS for short.

Much like in our modern era, with the destruction of there central icon of practical worship. They started the calendar over, resetting its value and going from 1. Thus we are in year 3 AKS going into year 4, which is an easy way to handle this for myself at least.

The Months of the Year

Figuring the months out i simply went to the lunar calendar. Originally i was going to use year of the rat, or bull ect as the months but since its a world of anthropomorphic animals that felt weird so instead i used an older calendar!

1: 陬月 Zōuyuè  Month of the Pegasus(Constellation) 2: 杏月 Xìngyuè Month of the Apricot 3: 桃月 Táoyuè Month of the Peach 4: 梅月 Méiyuè Month of the Plum 5: 榴月 Liúyuè Month of the Pomegranate 6: 荷月 Héyuè Month of the Lotus 7: 蘭月 Lányuè Month of the Orchid 8: 桂月 Guìyuè Month of the Osmanthus 9: 菊月 Júyuè Month of the Chrysanthemum 10: 露月 Lùyuè Month of Dew 11:  葭月 Jiāyuè Month of the Reed 12: 冰月 Bīngyuè Month of Frost(Ice/Winter)

So this is the 12 months, from the Phenological calendar which is very much ingrained in plants. Now month 1 and 12 are outliers maybe i'll change those later but for now i'll leave them.

The Days of the Week

Sunday= 星期日 Xīngqīrì Monday= 星期一 Xīngqīyī Tuesday= 星期二 Xīngqīèr Wednesday= 星期三 Xīngqīsān Thursday= 星期四 Xīngqīsì Friday= 星期五 Xīngqīwǔ Saturday=星期六 Xīngqīliù

This is the only days of the week i could find, without getting into super complex 10 day week cycles, that was to much for my brain to handle! this also keeps the 12 months and 7 days we have in the real world making dates much easier to figure out.

So as an example... today is Xīngqīsān the 28th of Bīngyuè in the 3rd year AKD

Anyway =D now i can effectively figure what day and year it is in Avalice! for any future threads! is this way to much info? probably but its how my brain works! enjoy!

[cakehuntermason]

Just a warning. In this post, I talk about how things aren’t going well in my life. If you don’t like what I’m saying, then please ignore the post and move on with your day or evening. And, just warning you, it’s about my late partner and death.

How does our [leather] community grieve? As of today, it’s been 3 years since he died and it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around. People grieve in their own ways. Part of me hoped that people would’ve made a more deliberate effort to reach out to me and help me. However, the pandemic rattled us in many ways and affected people’s psychological or social ability to help me embrace my grief on top of their own. Also, I myself didn’t do a good job of communicating what I needed. Thankfully, he had a friend who’s a certified grief counselor and he helped me a lot. We even became friends.

His death is the first time I’ve dealt with death to this capacity. Usually, it was a friend of a friend or a distant relative. But with him… he died in front of me not long after we got back home from the Reading of the Names in West Hollywood. December 1st marks World AIDS Day, a tough day made harder by his death. The names that were read… a reminder of the folks who many of us will never meet.

Death and grief are undeniably difficult. I think it’s part of why people say, “Passed away” or “No longer with us.” But I think that just makes death harder. He died. He’s dead. And it hurts so badly knowing there’s nothing I could do to bring back the man who taught me what being loved actually felt like. That’s what some of these screenshots represent. These are various texts that I got from him, they make me smile a big smile and often they bring tears.

I’m certain some people have judged me for dating an older guy. I hear the judgmental way many people talk about intergenerational relationships so, it’s not too much of a stretch to think that. I knew as a part of life that he would eventually die, but I hoped that I’d get to have at least 10 years with him. I only got 1 and a half. It’s a short amount of time, but it was still an extremely meaningful relationship.

The part that’s hard is, if he was still alive, he’d be here with me. One time, when we were talking about me applying to out-of-state grad schools, he said, “You’re crazy if you think I’m not moving with you.” I do know he would’ve hated how rainy and snowy it is out here. It’s just hard in extra ways, too, being so far away from family and disconnected from opportunities to create my chosen family.

I realize that I could keep going, but like many others, I have to keep moving forward. Just some general life updates… some bad, two good (saving those for last). The sweet lad and I are no longer together. And I couldn’t afford to keep my cat because, unbeknownst to the folks at the shelter, she had bladder problems that required a special diet and more medicine than I could afford. The semester has been brutal, but thankfully there’s one week left. Time for the good! I’m going to be a guncle early next year! Also, I’ve been chatting with a daddy type in Louisiana. He’s a sweet and smart guy so, maybe I’ll pay him a visit after winter.

[edsmcnson]

  When’s the last time anyone heard anything about EDDIE MUNSON? Old friends remember them as WITTY & ENGAGING  but also OVERLY EMOTIVE & EASILY AGITATED, no wonder they’re still known as THE FREAK around town. Today, in 2006, they are 38 and some people say they remind them of the smell of cheap weed and even cheaper cologne; downsizing your passions to fit into an adapted version of your dreams; bite marks on pencils and an abundance of notebooks filled with lyrics that you didn’t have it within yourself to finish; a hopeless inability to adapt.  

THE ROAD TILL NOW.

tw: death mention / injuries / hospital

I: GROUND ZERO / THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH.

Spring break 1986 concluded with a bang. quite literally. Or at least, to Eddie Munson personally, something akin to, well, the biggest bang ever imaginable. A cataclysmic event - his own death. How he had managed to narrowly avoid that fate, Eddie still doesn’t know. What he does know is that somehow, by the grace of whatever gods might loom and linger out there, he’d been granted another shot at breathing.

As fun as breathing and not-being-dead was, it quickly turned out that Hawkins, Indiana wasn’t the best place for the recently traumatized to recover. Someone - Steve, he suspected - must’ve dragged him out of the literal hell beneath Hawkins, because when he came to he’d found himself blinded by fluorescent overhead lighting, hooked up to all sorts of machines and, not to forget, chained to the fucking hospital bed.

Despite the less than ideal circumstances of his recovery, Eddie found some solace in the fact that Hopper, although trying to manage and cope with his own losses, did his best to shield him from the press. The reporters outside the hospital were eventually persuaded to leave, thanks to Hopper’s efforts (well-timed threats). Some shady government officials also paid a visit, and after the public’s demand for answers had dwindled, they’d released a statement, clearing Eddie’s name. Apparently, they’d felt guilty enough to throw in a new trailer for him and Wayne, too, so they could have at least some sort of safe haven to retreat to.

Still weak, but with sufficiently healed wounds, Eddie Munson was discharged and suddenly a free man. But make no mistake - free on paper only. Because when he left the hospital, he was suddenly brutally confronted with the fact that, to the average Hawkins resident, he was still 1) the local drug dealing town freak, 2) the leader of a satan worshipping cult and 3) a fucking murderer. In that order. And so the dirty looks continued to burn into his back, the muttered insults followed him in passing, and nothing, I repeat, nothing had changed. Maybe it was all the pent up rage, maybe something just .. .snapped but either way, Eddie powered through and managed to finally graduate on his third try of senior year. He did as promised: walked the stage, flipped off principal Higgins. Only the running like hell part, that would have to wait until everything had properly healed.

The months went by in a blur. When El and Will’s double funeral rolled around, when his gaze followed as the caskets were lowered to the ground, it was .. for lack of better words a pivotal moment . There was nothing left for him here, was there? His uncle would manage fine on his own, especially since he’d been going on regular coffee dates with that sweet librarian. Eddie was more of a nuisance to him, he was sure. And whatever that weird tension between him and Steve had been, left unresolved post-Vecna and awkwardly fizzling out ever since, it’s just … not enough to keep him in Hawkins. So it’s really an easy decision. A week later Eddie’s van, packed with all the Corroded Coffin equipment, leaves Hawkins, without leaving a note, without saying goodbye, and takes the highway to Chicago.

II: CHICAGO, ROBIN AND THE STONY ROAD TO STARDOM.

Eddie Munson was fully aware that he wasn’t going to become a success story overnight, but he was determined to make it happen. Still haunted by his past traumas, he channeled his energy into his writing, playing guitar, and even experimenting with singing. Taking up odd jobs here and there, dabbling in some dealing if need be, to pay rent and put food on the table. The paying rent part got much easer, however, when a familiar face joined him in Chicago: One Robin Buckley.

Robin brought a sort of light and warmth, a breezy carelessnes, a lust for life previously unimaginable, back into his life. His twenties with Robin in Chicago were the best, it seemed the early nineties were made for them. Going out to bars and clubs where Eddie didn’t need to put a bandana in his back pocket for people to know he was interested in men, playing the odd gig here and there, with moderate success in the local scene. Countless hours spent listening to music as they smoked and chatted away into the night. Life was fucking good, man!

Until, for whatever reason, one foggy morning, reality harshly set in. Maybe his frontal lobe had finally finished developing, but Eddie had untangled himself from the arms of last night’s conquest to get up and reevaluate every choice he’d made in his life so far. How he was working two jobs, as a mechanic and at some gay club’s coatcheck, while claiming he was doing music ‘full time’ and that ‘they were gonna make it big, the world just needed to be ready for them!’ The year was 1996. Eddie was pushing thirty. Corroded Coffin was still playing venues akin to the Hideout. If anything, the world had been ready for metal, like, eight years ago. If anything, the world was getting tired of their sound, and everything was moving into the direction of grunge-y tones. And, if anything, Eddie Munson was getting fucking tired of getting his hard work discarded because ’metal’s just not the vibe anymore, man’. Eddie had promised himself to stay true to his dreams, his passions, the plans he’d made for himself. But so many promises made to him had been carelessly broken. It seemed only fitting that he would break his own, too. So, Eddie got up and proposed a new sound. Most of Corroded Coffin dipped immediately, as to be expected, and so he got to work finding a new band. With him as lead guitar and, for the first time, supporting vocals, he joined a newly formed grunge/alternative rock band called ’Bleach & Burn’, performing music inspired by Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Type O Negative and the like. Not his usual scene, but he could get down to their harder sounds.

Bleach &  Burn, to his surprise, generated moderate success and a cult-like following. Suddenly, Eddie found he was able to quit his coatcheck job, able to support himself with just the mechanics and his music. But it was only a matter of time before the world would evolve, move on, repeat the trend cycle and suddenly, just as they were about to sign their first recording contract, the label pulled out last minute with a word of advice: “People are sick of hard rock. Do something a little more … for the everyday crowd. Something for the radio. Trust me, people are gonna go wild if you go a little more tame.”

This marked a turning point, the make or break - Eddie Munson was a lot of things but he’d been determined not to be a sell-out, not to sacrifice his integrity for feeble attempts at fame and success. But now? Seeing his dream slip by his grasp, when he’d been so close? What the fuck was he supposed to do? And so, after much tossing and turning, Eddie Munson, lead guitarist and supporting vocalist of Bleach & Burn, became lead guitarist and lead vocalist of Cornerstone. And so, in the year 2000, at the ripe age of 32, Eddie Munson became Chicago’s biggest sell-out. But, fucking hell, did it pay off!

III. EDDIE MUNSON’s CLAIM TO FAME.

Who knew sacrificing your sound and your dreams could be so lucrative! Their debut album, after reworking their harder sound into a more radio appropriate, alt-indie-rock beat and getting a second lead-vocalist in the talented Alice Phair, hit the shelves not four months after, somehow becoming an instant success. Chicago’s previously best kept secret spread through the nation like wildfire. Cornerstone played their first national tour in 2001, cruising through the country for a solid five months. And suddenly, Eddie was on stage every night in tight jeans and leather jackets while people screamed his lyrics back at him, feeling like a fucking rockstar. Scratch that, feeling a like a fucking god.

Suddenly, he had everything he thought he’d ever wanted and craved. The recognition he’d been waiting his entire life for. Life felt good, once again. - Or was it, really? He’d never aspired for international success, even surprised when his label had told him some little independent radio station in Finland had played their most recent single. But people, no matter how few, were hearing their music, all over the world. People, no matter how few, all over the world were listening to and enjoying the sound of Eddie’s sacrificed musical integrity.

Again, suddenly, a flip seemed to switch, and Eddie pushed two sleeping groupies off him as he waddled to the front of the tour bus to watch the sunrise. He was living his fucking dream. People adored him. Eddie ’the freak’ Munson had turned into Eddie ’can you sign my tits?’ Munson, posters of his face adorning the walls of America’s alternative youth. But if he had everything he’d ever wanted then why was he so fucking miserable? Why did he cringe whenever he heard a song of theirs on the radio, even going as far as skipping the channel, unable to stand hearing it? He loved, lived and breathed music, but whatever sound they had taken on, he hated it. Hated having to pretend something he was not - he did that oftentimes enough when he’d pose with Alice for a staged PDA picture that could be printed in the tabloids. It wasn’t like he was hiding his sexuality by any means - his label had simply … ’kindly advised’ him to maintain an air of mystery around that subject of his personal life.

Truth was, Eddie yearned to go back to his roots, that early 80s melodic metal sound, that had made him happier than every song on his last, what, three albums? He’d even gone to work writing some songs that fit that genre - but they’d never see the light of day. Only posthumously, if anything. Because he knew the second he’d pitch that idea to his bandmates, or god forbid the label, Cornerstone was good as done. How were they ever going to play another authentic show with the knowledge that their band’s lead fucking hated every minute of it? It was ridiculous. And anyway, Eddie shouldn’t complain about what had been handed to him. He’d never even thought he’d make it this far. So really, he was in no place to complain. He should be fucking grateful.

He tries his best to be. Grateful. Goes on tour after tour, even if he’d rather stay home and never leave his room again, even if he’s fucking exhausted. Dutifully just nods and smiles whenever the label suggests another single, another show, another interview - it’s not even like they’re properly ‘famous’ Eddie thinks, but he doesn’t say anything, never does. Even when some so called ‘music journalist’ has recently in a review called them ‘a delightful mix of Nirvana, The Fratellis, Franz Ferdinand and recently emerged newcomers The Arcitc Monkeys’. He’s been told that it’s a smashing review. Eddie feels a lot like smashing that journalist’s face in.

Eddie’s just finished up a tour, and the past few months have catapulted him to the very brink of .. .something. A cord, maybe, that’s coiled all the way up, ready to snap at the next minor inconvenience. The idea of leaving the band is ever present at the back of his head. Leave Cornerstone to Alice, knowing she’d do an amazing job. Better than him, even, he’s sure. They’re not schedulded to play another show for a couple months, and so when Robin stumbles into his arms, showing him the envelope, it’s really a no-brainer. They’re going. Back to Hawkins.

Eddie hasn’t been back since ‘86. Wayne had always insisted to come to Chicago or visit him in Indianapolis whenever he’d play a show there. Eddie hasn’t been back since ‘86 and he hasn’t seen anyone from … back then since ‘86. Hasn’t been keeping in contact much, either. Still, Joyce Byers had been one of the sweetest souls to ever walk this earth, had shown him nothing but kindness the brief times he’d run into her. And some time in Hawkins, away from the bustling city life, away from the music and the shows and the whole fucking business - who knew, maybe a change of scenery would do him good. Eddie’s willing to try about anything to get a brief respite from the life he’s built for himself.

EDDIE’S PINTEREST: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/edsmunson/eddie-munson-2electric-boogaloo

[vecnasrevengerp]

welcome home EDDIE MUNSON (sam claflin fc)

hope you brought your tissues with you! be sure to check in at home or to your hotel and don’t forget to always look over your shoulder. this is hawkins, after all.

BASICS

[SAM CLAFLIN, CISMALE, HE/HIM] When’s the last time anyone heard anything about [EDDIE MUNSON]? Old friends remember them as [WITTY & ENGAGING ] but also [OVERLY EMOTIVE & EASILY AGITATED], no wonder they’re still known as [THE FREAK] around town. Today, in 2006, they are [38] and some people say they remind them of [ the smell of cheap weed and even cheaper cologne; downsizing your passions to fit into an adapted version of your dreams; bite marks on pencils and an abundance of notebooks filled with lyrics that you didn’t have it within yourself to finish; a hopeless inability to adapt. ]   [soph, 21, she/her, cet].    

BIOGRAPHY

tw: death metnion / injuries

Spring break 1986 concluded with a bang. quite literally. Or at least, to Eddie Munson personally, something aking to, well, the biggest bang ever imaginable. A cataclysmic event - his own death. How he had managed to narrowly avoid that fate, Eddie still doesn’t know. what he does know is that somehow, by the grace of whatever gods might loom and linger out there, he’d been granted another shot at breathing.

As fun as breathing and not-being-dead was, it quickly turned out that Hawkins, Indiana wasn’t the best place for the recently traumatized to recover. Someone - Steve, he suspected - must’ve dragged him out of the literal hell beneath Hawkins, because when he came to he’d found himself blinded by fluorescent overhead lighting, hooked up to all sorts of machines and, not to forget, chained to the fucking hospital bed.

Despite the less than ideal circumstances of his recovery, Eddie found some solace in the fact that Hopper, although trying to manage and cope with his own losses, did his best to shield him from the press. The reporters outside the hospital were eventually persuaded to leave, thanks to Hopper’s efforts (well-timed threats). Some shady government officials also paid a visit, and after the public’s demand for answers had dwindled, they’d released a statement, clearing Eddie’s name. Apparently, they’d felt guilty enough to throw in a new trailer for him and Wayne, too, so they could have at least some sort of safe haven to retreat to.

Still weak, but with sufficiently healed wounds, Eddie Munson was discharged and suddenly a free man. But make no mistake - free on paper only. Because when he left the hospital, he was suddenly brutally confronted with the fact that, to the average Hawkins resident, he was stil 1) the local drug dealing town freak, 2) the leader of a satan worshipping cult and 3) a fucking murderer. In that order. And so the dirty looks continued to burn into his back, the muttered insults followed him in passing, and nothing, I repeat, nothing had changed. Maybe it was the all the pent up rage, maybe something just .. .snapped but either way, Eddie powered through and managed to finally graduate on his third try of senior year. He did as promised: walked the stage, flipped off the principal. Only the running like hell part, that would have to wait until everything had properly healed.

The months went by in a blur. When El and Will’s double funeral rolled around, when his gaze followed as the caskets were lowered to the ground, it was .. for lack of better words a pivotal moment for him. There was nothing left for him here, was there? His uncle would manage fine on his own, especially since he’d been going on regular coffee dates with that sweet librarian. Eddie was more of a nuisance to him, he was sure. And whatever that weird tension between him and Steve had been, left unresolved post-Vecna and awkwardly fizzling out ever since, it’s just … not enough to keep him in Hawkins. So it’s really an easy decision. A week later Eddie’s van, packed with all the Corroded Coffin equipment, leaves Hawkins, without leaving a note, without saying goodbye, and takes the highway to Chicago.

Eddie Munson was fully aware that he wasn’t going to become a success story overnight, but he was determined to make it happen. Still haunted by his past traumas, he channeled his energy into his writing, playing guitar, and even experimenting with singing. Taking up odd jobs here and there, dabbling in some dealing if need be, to pay rent and put food on the table. The paying rent part got much easer, however, when a familiar face joined him in Chicago: One Robin Buckley.

Robin brought a sort of light and warmth, a breezy carelessnes, a lust for life previously unimaginable, back into his life. His twenties with Robin in Chicago were the best, it seemed the early nineties were made for them. Going out to bars and clubs where Eddie didn’t need to but a bandana in his back pocket for people to know he was interested in men, playing the odd gig here and there, with moderate success in the local scene. Countless hours spent listening to music as they smoked and chatted away into the night. Life was fucking good, man!

Until, for whatever reason, one foggy morning, reality harshly set in. Maybe his frontal lobe had finally finished developing, but Eddie had untangled himself from the arms of last night’s conquest to get up and reevaluate every choice he’d made in his life. How he was working two jobs, as a mechanic and at some gay club’s coatcheck, while claiming he was doing music ‘full time’ and that 'they were gonna make it big, the world just needed to be ready for them!’ The year was 1996. Eddie was pushing thirty. Corroded Coffin was still playing venues akin to the Hideout. If anything, the world had been ready for metal, like, eight years ago. If anything, the world was getting tired of their sound, and everything was moving into the direction of grunge-y tones. And, if anything, Eddie Munson was getting fucking tired of getting his hard work discarded because ’metal’s just not the vibe anymore, man’. Eddie had promised himself to stay true to his dreams, his passions, the plans he’d made for himself. But so many promises made to him had been carelessly broken. It seemed only fitting that he would break his own, too. So, Eddie got up and proposed a new sound. Most of Corroded Coffin dipped immediately, as to be expected, and so he got to work finding a new band. With him as lead guitar and, for the first time, supporting vocals, he joined a newly formed grunge/alternative rock band called ’Bleach & Burn’, performing music inspired by Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Type O Negative and the like. Not his usual scene, but he could get down to the more harder rock sounds.

Bleach &  Burn, to his surprise, generated moderate success and a cult-like following. Suddenly, Eddie found he was able to quit his coatcheck job, able to support himself with just the mechanics and his music. But it was only a matter of time before the world would evolve, move on, repeat the trend cycle and suddenly, just as they were about to sign their first recording contract, the label pulled out last minute with a word of advice: “People are sick of hard rock. Do something a little more … for the everyday crowd. Something for the radio. Trust me, people are gonna go wild if you go a little more tame.”

This marked a turning point, the make or break - Eddie Munson was a lot of things but he’d been determined not to be a sell-out, not to sacrifice his integrity for feeble attempts at fame and success. But now? Seeing his dream slip by his grasp, when he’d been so close? What the fuck was he supposed to do? And so, after much tossing and turning, Eddie Munson, lead guitarist and supporting vocalist of Blech & Burn, became lead guitarist and lead vocalist of Cornerstone. And so, in the year 2000, at the ripe age of 32, Eddie Munson became Chicago’s biggest sell-out. But, fucking hell, did it pay off!

Who knew sacrificing your sound and your dreams could be so lucrative! Their debut album, after reworking their harder sound into a more radio appropriate, alt-indie-rock beat and getting a second lead-vocalist in the talented Alice Phair, hit the shelves not four months after, somehow becoming an instant success. Chicago’s previously best kept secret spread through the nation like wildfire. Cornerstone played their first national tour in 2001, cruising through the country for a solid five months. And suddenly, Eddie was on stage every night in tight jeans and leather jackets while people screamed his lyrics back at him, feeling like a fucking rockstar. Scratch that, feeling a like a fucking rock god.

Suddenly, he had everything he thought he’d ever wanted and craved. The recognition he’d been waiting his entire life for. Life was fucking good, once again. - Or was it, really? He’d never aspired for international success, even surprised when his label had told him some little independent radio station in Finland had played their most recent single. But people, no matter how few, were hearing their music, all over the world. Again, suddenly, a flip seemed to switch, and Eddie pushed two sleeping groupies off him as he waddled to the front of the tour bus to watch the sunrise. He was living his fucking dream. People adored him. Eddie ’the freak’ Munson had turned into Eddie ’can you sign my tits?’ Munson, posters of his face adorning the walls of America’s alternative youth. But if he had everything he’d ever wanted then why was he so fucking miserable? Why did he cringe whenever he heard a song of theirs on the radio, even going as far as skipping the channel, unable to stand hearing it? He loved, lived and breathed music, but whatever sound they had taken on, he hated it. Hated having to pretend something he was not - he did that oftentimes enough when he’d pose with Alice for a staged PDA picture that could be printed in the tabloids. It wasn’t like he was hiding his sexuality by any means - his label had simply … ’kindly advised’ him to maintain an air of mystery around that subject of his personal life.

Truth was, Eddieyearned to go back to his roots, that early 80s metal sound, that had made him happier than every song on his last, what, three albums? He’d even gone to work writing some songs that fit that genre - but they’d never see the light of day. Only posthumously, if anything. Because he knew the second he’d pitch that idea to his bandmates, or god forbid the label, Cornerstone was good as done. How were they ever going to play another authentic show with the knowledge that their band’s lead fucking hated every minute of it? It was fucking ridiculous. And anyway, Eddie shouldn’t complain about what had been handed to him. He’d never even thought he’d make it this far. So really, he was in no place to complain. He should be fucking grateful.

He tries his best to be. Grateful. Goes on tour after tour, even if he’d rather stay home and never leave his room again, even if he’s fucking exhausted. Dutifully just nods and smiles whenever the label suggests another single, another show, another interview - it’s not even like they’re properly ‘famous’ Eddie thinks, but he doesn’t say anything, never does. Even when some so called ‘music journalist’ has recently in a review called them ‘a delightful mix of Nirvana, The Fratellis, Franz Ferdinand and recently emerged newcomers The Arcitc Monkeys’. He’s been told that it’s a smashing review. Eddie feels a lot like smashing that journalist’s face in.

Eddie’s just finished up a tour, and the past few months have catapulte him to the very brink of .. .something. A cord, maybe, that’s coiled all the way up, ready to snap at the next minor inconvenience. The idea of leaving the band is ever present at the back of his head. Leave Cornerstone to Alice, knowing she’d do an amazing job. Better than him, even, he’s sure. They’re not schedulded to play another show for a couple months, and so when Robin stumbles into his arms, showing him the envelope, it’s really a no-brainer. They’re going. Back to Hawkins.

Eddie hasn’t been back since ‘86. Wayne had always insisted to come to Chicago or visit him in Indianapolis whenever he’d play a show there. Eddie hasn’t been back since ‘86 and he hasn’t seen anyone from … back then since ‘86. Hasn’t been keeping in contact much, either. Still, Joyce Byers had been one of the sweetest souls to ever walk this earth, had shown him nothing but kindness the brief times he’d run into her. And some time in Hawkins, away from the bustling city life, away from the music and the shows and the whole fucking business - who knew, maybe a change of scenery would do him good. Eddie’s willing to try about anything to get a brief respite from the life he’s built for himself.

What Eddie left in the Time-Capsule:

1. His yearbook picture, complete with devil horns and mustache drawn on, like the jocks would always do. On the back it reads: FUCK. ALL. OF. YOU. !!!

2. A Hellfire shirt, complete with a set of DnD dice.

3. A perfectly rolled joint.

STATS

   Athletics 1Burglary 2Contacts  3Crafts . 1Deceive 3Drive 2Empathy 3Fight 1Investigate 0Lore 2Medicine 2Navigation .1Notice 1Provoke 3Rapport 3Resourcefulness 2Stealth -1Will 1

EXTRAS

   pinterest :  https://pin.it/3mYihEW   eddie’s mixtape : https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7khzeAQVKhDiY9yuVDY7tU?si=bd309d1ac35f4561&pt=ccdedcdba1f0897e8bc33578f357a74c   cornerstone’s setlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Lvqa6xD18CRlXDZRLQaBK?si=58f3ebca04d34886&pt=5a40126eb06de4e859b5e133f20ba4a4

[thelensofyashunews]

LISA FT. ROSALÍA “NEW WOMAN” NEW SINGLE OUT NOW

Today, world renowned rapper, singer, dancer, and style icon, LISA (Lalisa Manobal) joins forces with GRAMMY-winning singer-songwriter Rosalía for her new single, “New Woman,” out now via LLOUD Co./RCA Records. 

The collaboration, produced by Max Martin & ILYA, perfectly combines LISA’s talents as a vocalist and rapper with Rosalía’s sultry vocals and distinctive style. Lisa first began teasing the new single on social media earlier this month to an outpouring of fanfare and excitement across the world.

In tandem with the song release, LISA has also shared the official music video for “New Woman.” Directed by Dave Meyers and shot in Los Angeles, the Y2K inspired visual showcases LISA and Rosalía both as incredible performers along with their impeccable style through a series of high fashion vignettes. 

The new single follows the release of her latest hit single “Rockstar” which quickly propelled to the top of the charts following its release. The single produced by Ryan Tedder and Sam Homaee debuted at #1 on the Billboard Global Ex. US Chart and #4 on the Billboard Global 200 weekly while debuting at #8 on Spotify’s Global Daily Chart and charting in more than 20 markets worldwide. The single has also held the #1 spot in Thailand on Spotify, LISA’s home country, for 10 consecutive days and has three times the streams as the #2 song.The official music video for “Rockstar'', directed by Henry Scholfield and choreographed by Sean Bankhead, amassed an impressive 143.5 million views to date and hit #1 on YouTube’s global weekly chart.

Since the release of “Rockstar” earlier this summer, LISA is showing no signs of slowing down. Along with today’s new single, last week, LISA received four MTV Video Music Award nominations including Best K-Pop, Best Editing, Best Choreography, and Best Art Direction for “Rockstar.” And on Monday, LISA graced the cover of ELLE Magazine’s highly coveted September issue. See the stunning images, shot by Gregory Harris and styled by Nicola Formichetti, and read the piece here.

Aside from making music history, LISA continues to lead the way in the fashion space. Just a few weeks ago, Louis Vuitton announced LISA as their newest House Ambassador and she continues to be the face of Bulgari. Keeping the momentum going, LISA was also announced as a co-headliner for this year’s Global Citizen Festival in New York City’s Central Park on September 28. This will mark LISA’s first festival performance as a solo artist. LISA joins previously announced headliners Post Malone, Doja Cat, Jelly Roll and Rauw Alejandro, and Global Citizen Ambassador Hugh Jackman as host. Global Citizen is the world’s leading international advocacy organization on a mission to end extreme poverty and tickets to the Global Citizen Festival are free and can be earned by taking action on the Global Citizen app or at globalcitizenfestival.com to defeat poverty, defend the planet and demand equity.

LISA is best known as a member of one of the most popular K-pop girl groups BLACKPINK. Beyond her success with BLACKPINK, LISA has broken several records globally as a solo artist with singles “Lalisa” and “Money” charting in the top 10 of the Billboard Global 200 and “Money” holding the record as the longest-charting song by a solo female K-pop artist on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US and on the U.K. Singles Chart

LISA broke three Guinness World Records in 2023 as the most Instagram followers for a K-pop artist (currently at 102 Million followers on the platform), she is also the first solo K-pop winner at both the MTV Video Music Awards and the MTV European Music Awards.

Outside of music, LISA is set to star in the upcoming season of the hit HBO Original series, The White Lotus, season 3. This role will mark her major on-screen debut and is filming in her native Thailand.

[playermagic23]

1 Year of Gadar 2 EXCLUSIVE: Anil Sharma claims, "I told Sunny Deol that you deserved to charge Rs. 50 crores each project. This film will help you attain that."; discloses that his next project with Nana Patekar is named Vanwaas: A Journey Of Life.

August 11 marked the one-year anniversary of the all-time hit Gadar 2. On this wonderful occasion, its director, Anil Sharma, spoke exclusively to Bollywood Hungama about the much-loved sequel, his relationship with Sunny Deol, and his upcoming flicks.

Time flies. I can't believe it's been a year since the pandemonium unleashed by Gadar 2. (Laughs) Ji Bilkul. Aisa lag raha hai, bas kal hi ki baat!

How has your life altered after Gadar 2? Is the industry viewing you differently now? Public ki pyaar toh kal bhi tha, aaj hai. However, the perspectives of some people in the industry have undoubtedly shifted, as is unavoidable when one achieves success. Some perspectives shift when you fail. But, personally, I believe that main pehle mast tha and aaj mast hoon. There is no change in my life. The only change since Gadar 2 is that I used to do one film every two to three years. But when Gadar 2 was out, I immediately began production on my next film, which stars Nana Patekar and Utkarsh Sharma. Its shoot is already concluded.

Sunny Deol's life has altered in one year, and people have understood that he is a force to be reckoned with. Do you feel good that you played a part in his comeback? When I told Sunny sir about Gadar 2, I said, "You should do this film." You deserve to charge Rs. 50 crores per project. This film will assist you in achieving that goal.

The film was in such high demand that screenings began at 3:00 a.m. I awoke at 7:30 a.m., and I had no notion. My wife told me about it and showed me videos of the chaos in the cinemas. She had tears in her eyes. Mere aankh mein bhi aansoo gaye. I called Sunny, sir. He was also viewing videos. 'Ho gaya na?' I asked. He responded, 'Haan, ho gaya'! It was an emotional experience for us. Sunny sir deserves it because he's always been a celebrity. But people assess stardom based on box office performance, and I don't blame them.

Except for me, no one in the industry could have predicted Gadar 2 would be such a monumental success. I emailed Zee Studios a week before its release, stating that "Gadar 2 would collect Rs. 500 crores." I told them the same thing when I signed the contract with them. Mujhe bharosa tha iswar pe. Aur ishwar ne baat rakh di. If God wills, man will succeed. And the individual believes he is accountable for it.

According to sources, your next film with Nana Patekar and Utkarsh Sharma is named Journey to Vanwaas. Is this true? The film's title is Vanwaas: A Journey Through Life. The title Vanwaas is fitting for the film. In the Ramayana, the father sends his son to Vanwaa. Nowadays, it works the other way around. Har ghar mein vanwaas ho rahe hai.

 Vanwaas: A Journey of Life is an emotional drama. My previous films include Shradhanjali (1981), Bandhan Kuchchey Dhaagon Ka (1983), and Apne (2007). This film is in that zone. Many people asked me, 'Aap action film kyun nahin kar rahe hai?'. I used to say, 'Main woh film kar raha hoon jo mujhe banani hai'. Vanwaas mein feelings ka gadar hai, and I want to show them to the audience. It's the most relevant story of today, based on what's going on with the elderly in society. It features one of Nana Patekar's best performances. The scenes between Nana and Utkarsh are breathtaking! Duniya dekhegi iss film mein ki performance ka level kya hai.

When is it scheduled to be released? We intend to release it before the end of 2024. We'll set the date in September.

Are there any updates on Gadar 3? Work on Gadar 3 is underway. Jab mere paas emotion ka atom bomb ayega, tab main phodunga!

You mentioned that you had money concerns with Gadar 2. That would not be the case with Gadar 3, right?

Yes, it is within budget! What about apne 2? It is in the pipeline.

What plans do you have for Independence Day? I wish you and all of our readers a wonderful Independence Day. Many revolutions and sacrifices were made in the hope of a brighter future. It's critical that people understand this and love their country. As for my plans, I intend to watch an excellent patriotic film, perhaps one featuring Manoj Kumar.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 1992 I’m watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.

Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.

I think I’ll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he’ll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he’s got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.

I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay’s who’s bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn’t like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it’s all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that’s cool.

There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.

Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn’t answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he’s a psycho man who was in the war.

Around 9:30, I went over to Andy’s and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.

Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.

Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.

He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don’t want any more good-looking people in my life. I don’t want anything to do with Rosemarie either.

On this talk show, a comment which I’ve heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you’re not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven’t been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don’t think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it’s not gonna happen if it ain’t meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever’s up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.

Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won’t allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.

I began editing Nerv from tonight’s convo. It’s pretty funny as usual.

Later…

I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark’s friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain’t up that early, so knock softly or on Mark’s bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I’ll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn’t destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.

Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures Ma’s supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what’s taking so long?

I can’t wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It’s been two months and a week.

Later…

I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny’s in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.

On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna’s husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.

I’m gonna be eating dinner at Andy’s at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He’s very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it’s pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.

He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda’s.

Later…

I’m copying some tapes for Andy and there’s not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I’ve got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I’m outa here. They’ve never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.

I don’t know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something’s telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.

Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I’ve simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I’d just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.

Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That’s pretty good but he’s miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.

Later…

Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I’m sure they unplug their phone at night. They’re probably thinking, gee she’s all the way in Phoenix and she’s still bothering us! She’s not here to be woken up by us, but she’s gonna wake us up for sure if we don’t unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.

With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she’d be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.

Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there’s no answer and I know they’re there. I’m sure they can’t afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can’t wake me up.

I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy’s birthday card and my parents’ anniversary card. Next Monday I’ll mail my parent’s card.

What’s taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she’s waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I’m not even sure if they’re driving or flying. I think they’re gonna fly. If Mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she’d be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it’d take months. She wants me to believe she hasn’t got the money to ship everything at once.

When Andy’s tapes are through, I’m gonna take a walk over with them to his place.

Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn’t look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn’t tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she’d assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don’t really even know? I think I’ll just go and wish her a happy birthday.

I think I’ll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven’t seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he’s gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I’ll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.

Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they’re harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket. Current Location: Arizona

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 1992 I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.

On this talk show, there are “lipstick lesbians” on now. I’ve seen this before.

Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would’ve loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I’ll see them some other time.

Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I’m glad we’re finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.

It’s almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I’m gonna go listen to my music first which I haven’t done all day.

Later…

I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.

Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I’ve washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she’d brush my hair whenever I needed it.

Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she’d stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there’s the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It’s based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.

Later…

In an hour I’m going over to Andy’s as we’re both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I’m starving.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don’t have to fill out the form all over again. It’s a long form and they already have all the information they need.

I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That’s ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don’t have parents sending them $50 a month?

On the 3rd, I’ll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don’t want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I’ll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I’ll also need to call Access and find out why they haven’t mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it’s always busy.

My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn’t fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with Mom’s extra $50. I can’t tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn’t pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before, but that’s OK.

After Andy returns I’ll take the TAP form to my Doctor.

Mom sent a roll of film which we’ll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it’s the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!

Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn’t there. At 7:00 I’m gonna have to leave her a note as I’ll be at Andy’s. They both know I’ll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.

Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.

All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven’t heard from anyone. I drew Tammy’s friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.

Later…

Soon, I’ll be taking a walk to Andy’s.

I just saw Fay walking her mother’s dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I’ll stop by for a while later.

I guess I’ll go over Andy’s now as I’d like to use his phone.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 1992 I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they’re on cloud 9, contradict all they’ve said and cut you down?

Donna said, “I have lots of friends, everything’s going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that.” That’s ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.

She was telling me I can’t handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she’s pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She’s got her mind set on what I’m all about and she’s so sure she’s got me all figured out. She says I don’t have a lot of friends and I told her she’s damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she’s wonderful, but as far as I’m concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.

Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I’m gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I’ve really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.

I’m also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I’m not better off just minding my own business. I don’t know what to do. It’s all so asinine and stupid. I’m so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I’ll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn’t the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.

Later…

I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It’s information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn’t fair for all those who have so many ordinary things they’d like to do, other than being a singer, yet they’ll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn’t want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 1992 Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn’t want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it’s like to need breathing space. I didn’t want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn’t feel like it and that was it. They did say that they’d come see my place sometime.

Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark’s truck to get that bed. It’s a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I’d break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.

After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it’s missing a clamp. There’s no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it’d raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn’t be on the floor as much. Two, it’d be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.

I took Andy’s vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.

Later…

Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fits me perfectly. It’s a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren’t overly visible. It’s got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There’s a lining inside but the outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there’s also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it’s still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.

Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones Ma sent. She’s got a bad back so she uses it for that.

Later…

Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven’t done since we were kids.

It’s time to write everyone’s letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven’t had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.

Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.

I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.

After Andy returns from home he’ll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he’ll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he’ll go home and I’ll call him when I’m through.

I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn’t give all that much.

Later…

So far today I’ve gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.

I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it’s pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it’s ok.

At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she’s got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I’ve met her before and she’s sort of pretty but she’s straight, according to Steph.

It’ll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They’re far and few between in my opinion.

I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that’s $60 extra a month! That’d be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she’d let me know when she gets her paycheck.

She also said she’d come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I’d go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we’ll see how reliable she is.

There’s a little part of me that’s tempted to go visit Donna. She’d be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I’d make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don’t know by name. With most of these people, I didn’t even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven’t seen Ellie, though.

Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn’t had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.

I told her that I wasn’t ever angry at her and that I’d been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by but has been busy.

Later…

I’ve never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son’s name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.

Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can’t program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there’s a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn’t need. Maybe he forgot or hasn’t had time. Or maybe he isn’t bothering cuz I turned his “movie offer” down.

I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don’t know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I’d also like to see if they come over here. I’m still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they’d say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.

Later…

There’s gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I’m sure I’ll be interrupted. I can’t record it yet. I’ll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.

FRIDAY, JULY 24, 1992 Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I’ll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I’ve seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she’s not quite that ugly. Close though. I’d never touch her, even though she’s bi. She’s got a boyfriend and a son but she’s had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She’s very tall and heavy with very short hair.

Later…

I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B’s letter which he’s gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He’ll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma’s. Or was. She’s a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.

I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.

Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we’re gonna go to Donna’s place for the twin-size mattress she’s got, I guess. We’ll see, but if she stands me up I’ll never count on her for shit again. We’re gonna go in Mark’s truck.

I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he’s my friend he’ll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy’s not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.

Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.

When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy’s and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick’s place. It went super well, too. I’ve been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.

When I get back from the pool, I’ll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.

Later…

I am going to bed soon so I’ll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.

Most people blush when they’re around people they’re attracted to, so I thank God I’m fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would’ve been as red as it is from the sun. I’ve gotten a lot of color too.

My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.

It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.

Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy’s friend pulled this “joke” on me is what I’ll say.

I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight’s visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that’s when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I’m used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.

Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.

Rosemarie also knows I’m very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she’s so nice! I know I’ll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.

Well, now I think I’ll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I’m sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 1992 I know I’m wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she’s got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don’t want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I’ll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 1992 Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I’ve always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I’d have the pools and I’d feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I’d be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that’ll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

Later…

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don’t get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It’s Arizona’s water. California has the same problem. There’s supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don’t know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I’ve decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I’ve got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I’m psyched to get on with my tan. I’m losing what I had. Mark’s gonna blow up my raft sometime.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she’s straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain’t meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you’re positive or want something bad enough doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it’s not in the cards, you’ll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She’s so beautiful. I can tell so even though I’ve still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don’t know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don’t even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It’s fun, but on the other hand, I know I’m completely wasting my time. I think she’s with a guy. Well, it isn’t the first time I’ve thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won’t be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It’s better than nothing and I doubt there’s any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she’s a neighbor and yes, she’s got a job. But this is an exception I can’t pass up.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 1992 I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that’s good, though, as it’ll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It’d also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I’ll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I’ll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it’s been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I’m tired or upset, but we’ll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren’t tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy’s number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever’s up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won’t feel threatened or scared that I’ll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don’t they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn’t ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I’m glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I’d be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would’ve been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he’s done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don’t think he’d be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I’m completely turned off after his and Donna’s shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who’s never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can’t wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won’t fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I’ll tell her it’s our problem and our business. I’m sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I’ll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can’t I. That means I ain’t cleaning his place worth shit!

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1992 I got the $50 from Mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can’t get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven’t spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other’s definition of “trashed,” they’re completely different. Even when I’m miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he’s got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You’re a liar if he doesn’t want to accept, hear or believe something you’ve said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they’re miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he’d ever own up to it. He has said how he’s bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can’t people spare their best friends? We’re either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I’m not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It’s normal to fight here and there, but I won’t tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he’d never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he’d attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

Later…

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I’ve begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there’s an agency that makes home visits. It’d be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn’t know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I’ve seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I’ve forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette’s white and Sheryl’s black and I don’t know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It’s not that she’s gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I’ve always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He’s 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he’s here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He’s here at night on weekdays too, as I’ve seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it’s open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there’d be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry’s, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That’s great as there’s no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing’s open and I never would walk at night. Can’t tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it’ll be 110º.

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can’t wait till I get the other pictures. It’s been almost two months. Also, I’m really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma’s sending. I’ll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it’s $581. In CT and AZ it’s $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That’s what I’m used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I’ve seen them and they’re so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I’ve got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it’s just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I’d still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that’s a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10+! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I’ve met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven’t spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she’s told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They’re gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They’re perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I’m compared to the average female, I’m doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I’m sure they’re all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there’s a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 1992 Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn’t stop worrying about money. I called Ma and I should get $50 soon. She’ll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can’t buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you’re trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there’s nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It’ll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won’t sleep that way but you won’t be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I’m gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It’d still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I’m at the pool, for example, I’ll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 1992 In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn’t even know it. But I told myself I’d be damned if I’d return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I’d done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can’t wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Wednesday. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you’re already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don’t want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they’re always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don’t want to fight and argue don’t have to?

I know I’m doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn’t always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield, the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I’m always at the pool and it’s harder to avoid people you don’t like or who don’t like you when you’re at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn’t a butch as most Kathy’s, Carol’s and Karen’s seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She’s got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I’ve never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn’t become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don’t plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it’d be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I’m not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don’t hate myself and I know I’m not stupid. However, when I tell people I’m on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I’ve written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I’m sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone’s got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don’t attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, “Hi there,” as if we were old friends. Well, she’s 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name’s Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn’t coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I’d be reluctant to get too close. I’d be thinking - can’t I do better than this? I’ve matured, presented myself better, don’t talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don’t hate myself.

Later…

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can’t wait till I’m off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I’ve begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn’t even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I’ll have to go for that after I’m through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don’t acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she’d send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I’ve only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what’s been going on financially as she’s done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it’s hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there’s never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I’ll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I’ll be OK. It’ll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don’t have to keep worrying about money. I still don’t know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It’s blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it’d be wider but it’s too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She’s gonna send another set which I’ll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 1992 Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I’m listening to the original “complex” argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it’s only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it’s very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and I is how he’s become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he’d have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He’s been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He’s lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he’s said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don’t let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he’s ever said to me since he’s been here is that he’s miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he’s always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn’t want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can’t be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I’ve got a wall up around me and I’ve got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it’s not worth it at all.

He’s offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He’s knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn’t have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don’t get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he’s gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he’s gotta be alone and I shouldn’t come over every day. Any time he’s asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He’s told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can’t handle that, I’m a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don’t like the color pink if that’s the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn’t even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy’s spoken to her, and I’m not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn’t dump her. I’m sure she could be in other ways and I’ll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there’s a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 1992 I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I’ve last written. I can’t help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I’ll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There’s no use calling them as you just can’t fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn’t settle even if I wanted to. I couldn’t get up day after day very early in the morning. I’d only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can’t sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can’t afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th, I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and Dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they’re delaying you they save money. I’m so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it’d be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I’m too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It’s gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I’ll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can’t get rid of him.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 1992 Right now I’m only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I’ll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I’m crushed about something else and I always will be.

I’ll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 1992 I have many things to write about, but I think I’ll save the bulk of it till later this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

[chrisryanspeaks]

Zara Larsson Releasing New Album ‘Venus’ + Tour Dates

Today, multiplatinum chart-topping global pop powerhouse Zara Larsson announces her new album VENUS, set for release on February 9, 2024, via Sommer House/Epic Records. Pre-order/pre-save VENUS HERE. Riding high on her current single “On My Love” with David Guetta, Zara has also confirmed details of a spring UK and European headlining tour.  Dubbed The Venus Tour, tickets will be on-sale on November 3rd via www.zaralarssonofficial.com alongside dates for Zara’s Swedish holiday specials, Honor The Light. It marks her first run of global headline shows since the pandemic. See full itinerary below and look out for North American live shows in the new year. A pop album fit for a goddess, VENUS is Zara Larsson setting her own agenda, in part by looking back on where she’s come from. First single “Can’t Tame Her” was a fierce, female-forward anthem that spent over 16 weeks in the UK Top 40, reached number 3 on iTunes, and number 1 on US Dance Radio: a journey all the sweeter given it was also Larsson’s first release on her own Sommer House label, following trailblazing deal with Sony which saw the still-just-25-year-old simultaneously take control of her entire recording catalogue. This summer Zara also dropped “End of Time,” a cinematic visitation with your younger self and a reminder to always follow that inner drive. Last month, Zara Larsson’s latest single with David Guetta, “On My Love,” was crowned the highest debuting record of 2023 at Dance Radio. Just four weeks later, the song has reached #1 on the chart, making it the country’s biggest dance record. Upon release, the song and video were praised by a diverse pool of media, from Good Morning America(who called it “emotional”) to People (a “banger” and “club-ready dance track about a valued bond built on unconditional love”), Uproxx (Best Pop Songs of the Week), Rolling Stone, V Magazine and much more. Recently, she shared the official acoustic video (watch HERE) and Niklas Dee remix (stream HERE). Tomorrow, she will share the official Felix Jaehn Remix (available HERE). Stream the original “On My Love” HERE and watch the music video HERE. See “On My Love” Below: With its elevated sound, eclectic style and unifying visuals, VENUS solidifies Zara Larssonas one of modern pop’s most essential stars. Honor The Light itinerary: 12/8/23 – Stockholm, SE - Cirkus 12/9/23 – Stockholm, SE - Cirkus 12/16/23 – Skelleftea, SE - Sara Kulturhus The Venus Tour itinerary: 2/16/24 – Manchester, UK - Manchester Academy 2/17/24 – Glasgow, UK - O2 Academy 2/18/24 – Birmingham, UK - O2 Academy 2/21/24 – London, UK - Roundhouse 2/24/24 – Paris, FR - Le Trianon 2/25/24 – Brussels, BE - Ancienne Belgique 2/26/24 – Amsterdam, NL - AFAS Live 2/28/24 – Berlin, DE - Verti Music Hall 3/1/24 – Cologne, DE - Palladium 3/2/24 – Milan, IT - Fabrique 3/4/24 – Zurich, CH - Komplex 457 3/6/24 – Prague, CZ - Forum 3/7/24 – Warsaw, PL - Towar 3/8/24 – Vienna, AT - Gasometer 3/16/24 – Reykjavik, IS – Laugardalshollin 6/21/24 – Dublin, IE - Fairview Park About Zara Larsson "One of pop's biggest and outspoken young stars” (The Guardian), Zara Larsson provokes and pushes pop culture forward, with enlightened and energized anthems that soar and seduce all at once. With every move, she continues to quietly make history and break records: her platinum-certified 2017 full-length, So Good, notably stands out as one of the most-streamed debuts on Spotify by a female artist ever. Zara’s growing catalogue boasts one smash after another, from “Never Forget You,” “Lush Life,” and “Ain’t My Fault” to Clean Bandit collaboration “Symphony.” Along the way, she has received awards and nominations ranging from the Swedish Grammys, BRITS and MTV EMAs to even gracing the stage of the Nobel Peace Prize. 2020’s second international album, Poster Girl, featured breakout hits like “Ruin My Life,” “Wow,” and saw Zara make further strides towards Pop’s top table. Launched entirely in lockdown, the project nonetheless saw Zara push boundaries, performing virtually for Roblox and hosting a viral live-stream show in partnership with Ikea on International Women’s Day. In the last year or so, Zara Larsson has been unleashed back into the real world: she played a sold-out Poster Girl European arena tour, scored a hit collaboration with Alesso (“Words” was named by Billboard one of the best dance records of 2022) before returning with brand new single, “Can’t Tame Her.” Conceived alongside close-knit friends like MNEK, MTHR, and Danja - plus choreography from Beyoncé collaborator JaQuel Knight - the track spent 16 weeks in the UK top 40 and aptly captures where Zara Larsson stands in 2023: “Can’t change her / Can’t blame her / Can’t tame her”. Recent track “End Of Time” and David Guetta collaboration “On My Love” further tease Zara Larsson’s upcoming third international album, with Larsson also confirmed to make her acting debut in Netflix’s upcoming movie A Part Of You in 2024. Read the full article