#to see it happen with fanfic. tho i don't think this is recent but never been as bad as it is now. makes me terribly sad

[beedreamscape]

The ai discourse in fanfic writing only exists because people view fics as products for consumption and not works of art.

The same curse that plagues visual artists, youtubers, musicians, etc etc is starting to creep into fandom circles, because people don't appreciate the art form that is writing as much as they gobble almost mindlessly work after work without absorbing. It's almost like the high of binging a series and being left numb after is done, realizing you didn't savoured the story as much as just simply rushed to the end.

Fic writers will never work as fast as some stupid ai does. It's a labor of love that will, for the great majority, earn us no money or notoriety. The minimum any writer wants is connection and respect.

[alaydabug2]

I'm in the car and I'm bored en

SO HERES A LIST OF MY MEDICAL ISSUES IVE HAD THROUGHOUT LIFE 😃

Vaugly related to my fanfic

Tetrology of Fallot (tof): congenital (born with it) heart defect that is basically 4 defects in 1 (I do not have the energy to look up or type all those scientific words rn so sorry)

I've had 3 open heart surgeries to fix it o e at 8 days 10 months and 5 years

Died 6 times on the second one 😃

Ngl life isn't too different with it

If you don't count the yearly doctor visits and can't play contact sports

I mean there's more to it that that obviously but it's mainly small things like getting out of breath quicker and I bruise easy because of having to take baby asprin

BUT the doctors ORIGINALLY said I was never gonna be able to walk or talk or do anything for myself

God vetoed that decision 😌

NOW I NEVER SHUT UP 😁

Got a nifty battle scar down my chest as a souvenir ☺️

And I used to be called smurf baby cause I turned blue alot

I make jokes about it now (hush I'm allowed to )

Ngl pretty sure I'm short cause failure to thrive as a baby cause of that 😭

Don't think there's any scientific backing on that tho for tof patients

Imperferated anus + colostomy bag: basically means I was born without a butthole

Not even joking on that i wasnt

But had to have three gastrointestinal surgeries from that

Don't know the ages or many details but I'm pretty sure I was two for the last one

And I had to have a colostomy bag

Thankfully don't remember it

Buy my waste went into a bag that had to be changed out

Ik it got infected so the scar is bugger than it should be

Seizures: if you've read my fanfic that's explained in detail for how it feels

But that was from aged 5-10

We never found the specific reasons for it

But we do hypothesize it has something tk do with possible scar tissue on my brain

Either from a heart attack/stroke/lack of oxygen from my second heart surgery is what we think it could be from

During a seizure my heart would start beating weird (not good description ik but idk how to describe it really) and my vision would start to tunnel out my tongue would tingle and then I'd black out

During a seizure I couldn't hear anything or see anything but my head would completely start to tingle

From my parents I was told during them I would stiffen up and lock my joints and almost seem to hyperventilate

It was control moderately well by medicine but I thankfully do not have them anymore

Hard hearing: im not like deaf or anything nor do I use hearing aids but my hearing isn't what it should be for a normal teenager lol

This is because during one of my heart surgeries they gave me a drug used on horses and a little too much if it at that (ketamine?)

Legally blind: yeah come to find out last year found out my eye sight is actual crap

Without my glasses I am legally blind

I've got 20/200 vision 😭

So I've got these crazy thick glasses now

Tourretts: neurological disorder where I make these random noises and movents

Got diagnosed back in sixth grade

My tics ate ill make various sounding noises (all kinda of variations of a hiccup for visualization) and my head will jerk back

It was awful before we found out what it was

Got picked on for it quite a bit and a certain teacher of mine essentially told me "just stop bro lol" and I'd get sent out of class for it even after we had doctor notes for it

Just get up out of that wheel chair then then buddy ☺️

They'd get set off my certain things

Music being one of them so I would carry around these earbuds when there was music around so it didn't get set off

I'm on medicine now for it and it's a LOT better

And a recent development (in the past 6 months) I've been able to listen to music again!

The tourretts aren't going away tho

If over been without medicine for more than 2 days it's BAD

Ovarian cyst (possible pcos?) : this has happened over this summer so you already got some rants on that lol

Buy I've got an 8cm cyst on my left ovary

Hurts like a beach 😃

In fact this Friday I was holed up in my room hyped up on narcotics cause of it

Fun stuff 🙂

Surgery is supposed to be on October 5th so we'll see how that goes

Yeah so medical history of mine 😃

That's fine

We'll see what comes next to the collection I can add

Also here's some pics of a couple of my scars (that I can show several are in places I'm not keen of people seeing 😅)

That's my colostomy scar

And near the top you can see a scar from a chest tube from my third heart surgery

And here's a really good picture of my heart surgery scar that I have (goes down to under the ribcage)

On my neck you can see a breathing tube scar

At least I think that's what it is

Also the corner of my lip I have a scar from some sort of tube from surgery (can't see it well on camera

Tbh idk what half these tiny scars are from

I just know they're remnants of surgery

Any way I do know kw I have a couple of other chest tube scars

But they are not in places to be shown

Same with a few dimples near my tail bone from gastrointestinal surgery

But those are there too

[daz4i]

It's that time again! Tell us about a fandom, any fandom, you've seen recently on your dash that you're not in and what you've managed to osmose from it.

oooooo it's time for jjk. somehow despite never blacklisting it and consuming it passively through my dash for years i still don't quite understand what it's even about??

but uh ok ok here's what i know

there's a Little Guy who i think has a demon inside him? or a demon that looks like him?? i think the demon is called sukuna but i could be wrong. also the little guy gives me yuuji vibes but it may be bc his design reminds me of a different character i like with that name

the little guy recently went to see a movie and everyone got so sad about it bc a guy in the first season also went to this movie and i got really curious so i googled what happened to the first season guy. he got attacked by/transformed into a demon iirc. also he died

the little guy is the main character i think or is at least supposed to be but i don't see him as often on my dash as i used to in 2020ish so I'm not sure if i got it right

there's gojo he keeps getting lumped in with reigen and dazai and kakashi so from what i gathered he's a slutty mentor figure. i assume for the Little Guy. i like his voice actor :) uuuuhhh he has some sad kfc scene with a guy called geto i think? who is very pretty! they were friends...? in. high school...?? and had a very sad falling out or one of them died idk all i know is everyone is sad about them and also wants them to fuck. they have something going on with fish and i like the art ppl put on my dash bc of it :)

anyway gojo always had his eyes covered idk why but now they're not covered anymore. also he was trapped in some time cube or smth. and like 2 chapters after he got out (after like a few years in irl time of being stuck there) he got cut in half nikolai style and died. the next day s5e11 of bsd came out and everyone joked that he and dazai couldn't be alive at the same time and also that bram took his legs. the memes were funny

there's nanami who has massive tits and pulled a guy up by his hair and for 2 days my entire dash was just this gif and i get it. i get why my mutuals went insane over it. i did too and i don't even know him. idk what his deal beyond that is tho but he seems cute, i see him compared to kunikida p often so i assume I'll like him

many of my mutuals want to (get) fuck(ed by) those guys raw. mostly gojo and geto. the fanfics I've seen about them would not get past any ethics committee. i love you guys

there's martial arts? and a panda but like maybe only in the first season?? that's it that's literally all i know tho. jjk mutuals lmk what i got right or wrong 🫡

[misfitclassismyfreetherapy]

Iruma's Bi Awakening (+ tiny bit Iruma Angst)

.

.

~

IRUMA POV

( I also included Lied and Iruma friendship moments in here because I love them)

My head is spinning like circles recently. Many things happen after the heartbreaker. I somehow have this strange feeling in my chest like my stomach is about to explode. When Atori-sensei pulled me.. I felt... despaired. Who knows what could happen if Ojii-san didn't save me...

...

If I was to lose my friends,my family I will..

(I made this in 15 minutes and I was rushing and I fucking forgot the feather - so give me a break)

"IRUMA-KUN!"

Lied-kun called out my name with a slightly annoyed but mostly worried face. " Are you listening to me? " Lied-kun said with an annoyed tone. Oh god, I spaced out too much.

Me and Lied were in the Royal One alone because everyone had plans with their masters and Robin-sensei and Master was unavailable. We were hanging out in the gaming room.

Lied-kun sighed. " Nevermind, Iruma-kun you said we're friends right? Friends care for eachother right? You can always talk to me if you ever feel uncomfortable. But if you want to keep it to yourself, its fine also." It's such a simple sentence yet so reassuring.

"Thanks Lied-kun." I smiled sincerely. His face shows signs of relief. Then he showed me his devi-phone. " You should join the Akudol Community !" I was slightly confused " Akudol Community..?"

I looked at his devi-phone more closer and saw a bunch of fanart, commentary, fanfics of akudols. "You know your "marriage"with Kuromu crashed the community. Look!" as he shoved his phone in my face.

I pushed his hand slightly away and saw post like " WTD KUROMU LIKE IRUMI THERE GETTING MARRIED- I"M HAVING A MELTDOWN SIGDKLJGSGFHKK". I felt so awful I made a person had a meltdown? Oh god.

"There are about 400+ post like this at that time." He scrolled down and looked at me again. "Oh and your Irumeanie phase made multiple people question their sexuality." I choked.

"What?"

Then I saw post like " Irumeanie makes me questions my sexuality." and " I used to think I don't like girls but Irumeanie exist and just completely make me question again." I covered my face with embarrassment. He smirked and snickered at my reaction.

"Anyways do you want to join?" he moved a finger from my face to see my expression. "...Sure."

.

TIMESKIP

I sat in my room with my phone in front of me. I picked up my phone and slowly scrolled down my face slowly heat up as I saw the post that Lied-kun showed me and there are also some akudols that I met on the Akudol Games. I clicked on the search bar and wrote @No.1GyariFan and pressed the follow button.

~Flashback~

"But I don't know how to make an account."I said with concerned. I only been in the Netherworld for a year and I never had a normal childhood so I don't know how this even work.

"Don't worry,I'll help you to make your account if you follow my account or if you call me Onii-chan!" he smirked at me then winks.

"I'll take up the first offer, thank you." I prefer if I'm the older brother in this situation. "Oh come on!" his tone was annoyed. I laughed at his remark.

~Flashback ended~

I snapped out of my imagination when I noticed a notification on my account. I smiled when I saw Lied's account.

No.1GyariFan: Iruma-kun! Hey! My little brother!

BlueSunshine💙: Hello Lied-kun! But you're the little brother.

He took a while to respond to my text. I was quite happy honestly that Lied-kun helps me with this stuff. It feels like I genuinely have a sibling. I looked at his message.

No.1GyariFan: I would argue but I honestly am too devi-tired. Anyways, have you seen the new akudol that demons are talking about?

BlueSunshine💙: No?

No.1GyariFan: Oh, yeah. It's kinda annoying. I'll admit he is good-looking but he's way too popular..😒

BlueSunshine💙:Haha 😅 I don't know how he looks like tho. Can you send a picture?

No.1GyariFan: Sure.

No.1GyariFan sended a picture

BlueSunshine💙: .

No.1GyariFan: Iruma? Hello? Are you there?

~Witness Iruma's Bi Panic~

Why is my heart pounding so much?

Why is my face heating up? It's not something embarassing. He's so.. endearing and cute?

I had these feeling before but never this much.. and it's a boy..

Oh god I can't stop thinking of how cute he is.. I'm acting like a fanboy right now...

Is this what Lied-kun feels with Gyari? Is this how it feels like to be starstruck?

( I forgot the thing AGAIN )

*You know what, he doesn't wear the feather thing all the time, he sometimes takes it off. I'll just make a headcannon so I don't have to draw that shit.*

My first Akudol crush...is a boy...?

ENDING

~Authors note:

So there my first fanfic. It ain't the best I know but I also drew 3 fucking drawings so.. you can tell I lost motivation halfway through the fanfic. I will do a proper character introduction for my oc next time.

.

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~

Claire has logged off

[multi-lefaiye]

!!!!! multi!!! im glad youre back!! ive missed seeing your icon on my dash! ive been working so much on my silly little stories with my silly little guys, idk if ive told you about them but its my time traveling story, im finally beefing my characters and getting to know them better! ive been using a prompt list for june and forcing myself to write something for this story everyday and its been going really well!! (i can tell you more if youd like) i keep making everything really sad and tragic tho..... dunno whats up with that lmao. is there anything youve been working on recently??

RUNS AT YOU hiiiii!! :D yeah yeah!!! i never like. reallly left but i'm not gonna pretend i haven't been a bit MIA lmao......... have not had the energy to engage with people that much lately. BUT today is a new day and i am beating the sleeby boy allegations.

YEAH YOU'VE TOLD ME A LITTLE!!! oh that's so fucking cool OMG i'm so excited you're having so much fun with them and developing them more! i love your little guys okay they mean SO MUCH to me!!! and OHHH YES YES HELLO??? okay, if you don't mind, can you PLEASE send some of that my way??? or if you want please feel free to tag me in it if you post it! because i love your stuff so so much and i want to go off the shits.

and regardless, you're always welcome to come into my inbox and talk to me about what you're working on. at all times. i encourage you to do it!!!!! also that's so real. something about giving fictional people problems........ intoxicating.

but yes yes!!! so like i said i haven't had much energy to work on stuff lately, but i do have some things i've been bouncing around! a big thing is a tftgs fanfic character study i'm tentatively titling "in case you don't live forever," centered around jack and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend sabine.

sabine is such a fascinating character to me for loads of reasons, many of them being the fact that we learn basically nothing about her. she is the epitome of a character who haunts the narrative, at least in my opinion, and this started as like... me exploring what i think she was like. what kind of person she was. it then evolved into an exploration of what might've happened if sabine had *lived* and gotten to be happy.

so it's an au where she and jack run away together and start a new life in a new state. it's super emotional and tender and sweet and writing it is really cathartic and healing for me. i'm also using it as an opportunity to explore concepts that are tried and true multi-lefaiye classics: mental health, trauma, queerness, and how they all blend together at times. most of all, though, it's about healing.

i'm including an excerpt under the cut!

It’s just after two in the morning on a Saturday night in mid-2007, and for the last time, Sabine Lemoyne stands alone in her childhood bedroom.

She’s had this room since she was eight, and the decorations haven’t changed much in the following decade. The walls are the same soft, muted purple she adored growing up, plastered with posters for old movies and bands she hasn’t listened to in years, and it nicely complements the pink shag carpet beneath her feet. Her immaculate bedspread is bright and cheery, covered in colorful illustrations of grinning flowers and vibrant greenery. Her favorite childhood stuffed animal, a little pink cat named Eevie, sits on the desk across from her bed, watching her with vacant glass eyes.

Her room has always brought her some modicum of comfort, a sanctuary of peace and solitude in a tumultuous world, but now, standing in the mausoleum of times long since passed, it feels stifling. She can’t breathe in here.

Sabine has to leave. And that’s exactly what she intends to do.

The duffel bag on her bed has been packed for days now, and she’s only just finished packing the backpack leaning against it. Inside the duffel bag, she’s packed clothes, books, and an extra pair of shoes; the backpack, meanwhile, holds her toiletries, six hundred dollars in cash, and two laminated folders. Inside one folder are two bus tickets, set for departure in one hour.

[stepswowdsen]

Rambles [11-21-2024]

(Rambles with my friends Tomato, Mixsa, Aya about the lack of ethics (plagiarism), cultural appropriation and bad taste in the AI fart community)

Pixiv

I'm seriously glad that my arts are reaching fans of my fave charas/ships on my main socials (Instagram, Tumblr, Bsky)

Mainly ship fans, including LGBT+ friendly folks.

Cuz I recently posted KuroEne logs on Pixiv (just cuz I wanted to add to my KagePro OTP's arts) and immediately got hentai dudebros incels in my followers 💀

EVEN from KuroEne SFW logs. WTF???

GET LOST YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE

Incel/dudebros have NO RIGHTS to touch my art that features women or LGBT+ shippy stuff in it!! Not even with a 10 feet pole!! 💣💣💣💣

It's a shame cuz Pixiv is a huge platform for EA/SEA creatives to post their works, and there's a lot of quality works, from professionals too, but holy shit the tags/blacklisting options are NON-EXISTENT there

Me: Ugh blocking on Pixiv doesn't stop weirdos from being able to view your works… most useless ass function ever

It doesn't even function like Blocking on other websites

T: Eww…. I remember Mixsa talking about getting a bunch of creeps liking her Pripara and Jewel Pets fan arts on Pixiv

M: Yiiikesss

Me: Also I keep getting misogynistic hentai ads on Pixiv mobile UGHHH

M: Pixiv is really something

Me: Including mfs in my followers who like AI generated hentai slop 💀

M: YUCK

M: I forgot that they could add weird tags on your art too

Happened to me twice i think

M: I disabled the ability for other people to add tags

Also Pixiv only allows 10 tags so I fill them all up with chara/ship/series tags anyways

Me: I'm mostly getting 27 - 30+ year old cis men interacting with even my SFW works on Pixiv. D*e.

M: I got someone in his 50s in my followers

It's soo creepy

Me: BRUHHH

Really nasty you get that kind of following, considering you mainly post fanarts of idol/magical girl animes???

Like even with my KuroEne NSFW stuff, I deliberately avoided tagging with stuff like Kink tags cuz I KNEW weirdos would frequent those.

But me getting them on my KuroEne SFW and NSFW arts despite that is just… 🧍

AI Fart

A: Plz.

Me: Agreed LMAO

A: NLP is a feature used in most if not all generative AI rn

So, image generators, ChatGPT, etc.

A: It’s not inherently a bad thing, doesn’t have to be generative AI but yeah

There are many different ways to classify AI but generative AI is the one people dread the most

The filters used to block spam mail in your email use NLP as well

A: I think you should still let people consent to their art and writing works if possible

This is a larger extent but ChatGPT has a fuck ton a lawsuits rn because it scrapes so many sites including journalism ones

A: It is so easy to underestimate how many lurkers there are (saying as a former lurker) when it comes to digital art and fanfic

[Irt peoples' issues with gen AI]

It's less about quality and more about principle, too.

I wish people would recognize that consent is super important when it comes to peoples' art, writing, music, voices, etc.

A: I think people’s standards have kinda lowered because of capitalism. They don’t care that there’s an unnatural wet plastic look to AI generated images so long as it gets the job done.

I really do think there is a limit and an over fetishized look and feel to a lot of AI generated products (AI generated images, ChatGPT, etc.), but I think I also blame the prompt engineering because it’s just inherently bad taste, I digress tho

A: AI art actually lacks a lot of love and care you'd get from a normal qualified artist, unfortunately, a lot of pro-Capitalists blindsided people do not see the difference

Kinda melty design strands, the design elements don't make a whole lot of sense, and also I can bet you the AI art model is only capable of producing Eurocentric stuff

Me: Agreed with this I'd wait for natural selection to come for the AI fart enthusiasts LMAO

AI fart will never reach the level of art made by humans. Again, it doesn't work without a prompt and dataset fed into it. It wouldn't even be able to function without the work made by artists and creatives in the first place

The fact that people even use it to give artists refs for commissions??? I block all AI farts on principle cuz it's just shitty art theft, but I am allowed to drop an anvil on you if you do that ✨

AI fart looks sooo uncanny to me.

Just use a Picrew or moodboard maker omfg. It's free for community use (within the artist's terms)

A lot of them are pro-Capitalists too which is. Telling. Lol.

I agree that it's both unethical and trying to make a market/profit off a community gift that lacks the passion/love of artists/writers/musicians/etc. Capitalism.

Which is... the source of most peoples' problems, including more minor ones

And how many people engage uncritically with it. Yeah.

Hopefully there will be regulations against AI scraping arts and fics in the future so that it's not just mindlessly stealing from other artists/writers/creatives' works.

It doesn't even classify as "art" to me it's just fetishized slop that has been stolen/plagiarized from living artists

Me: Same reason for why it's not empowering for people to do "AI art redraws"

You can't reclaim it as yours or separate it from content that's unethical and was plagiarized from other artists??? It's not yours. And it never was to begin with

A: I am actually very interested in AI and its uses, I'm taking a class on it right now. But I definitely draw the line at garbage AI ""art"" and other unethical uses of data sourcing.

A: It's really good seeing programmers with actual consciousness be aware of how dangerous the AI craze is

I recommend checking out the thread because this guy (who is a Computer Scientist) links a lot of articles

Link: (X)

A: This is also a good read since it pulls a lot of evidence and lack of ethics in the AI generator community

Me: The lack of ethics (stealing/plagiarism), cultural appropriation, and profiting from/exploiting/harming BIPOC creatives should be when peoples' sense of morals kick in.

[analogboii]

my journey with one piece has been so wild. it started when I was a kid watching toonami jetstream way back when. I would just watch whatever came on Saturday nights. I liked it but I never got into it bc kid brain and I couldn't commit to things like I can now. but I liked it and when I reached middle school, I tried to watch it for realsies, but shit happened in my life and I couldn't dedicate the time. I still enjoyed fanfics and fanart tho. saw manga panels and stuff. then I tried again in high school and, again, life threw me curve balls and I couldn't dedicate the time. then I tried again in college and I got about two hundred episodes deep before life threw me in for a loop again.

it was only until recently that I was really able to dedicate the time. like sit down and watch all the episodes consecutively. and I think what helped was now I have friends who are also insanely into it and keep pushing me to watch more. so this thing that had been casually a thing in my life for the past twenty years now has a fucking chokehold on me and I don't see it releasing it's iron grip anytime soon and I'm perfectly fine with it lmfao. it has consumed my entire life.

idk I just thought it was wild.

[fkevin073]

just read the update on your fic and am so deeply shocked by all of the developments. i admit, i don't read through comments on popular stories because i've noticed (and as a long time fanfic reader this seems like a recent development, or at least something that's always happened but gotten particularly bad recently) there has been a general uptick in nasty and rude comments and behavior in fandoms (esp the hotd fandom where people insist on constantly being at each other's throats), and especially for works that actually provide nuanced, complicated, real characters who make real decisions that aren't always rational. and as a reader, seeing those comments even upsets ME and hurts my feelings, so i cannot imagine what that experience is like for a writer. therefore, i didn't realize there was any backlash to your latest chapter, which i thought was one of your best. i cannot overstate how much i love this story, and each of your messy delicious developments (i adored the jace/alyssane moment and all of the drama and complex emotions of it, and i adore alysanne as a MC. at the end of the day i support women's rights but i especially support women's wrongs and your alysanne feels like a real well-rounded flawed human being rather than some self-insert happy go lucky caricature). and then i read the latest announcement, and i admit, i am still not sure how your reply has offensive implications, however perhaps i lack context for the situation and what exactly happened. but either way, i really admire you for your apology and the mature way you've handled everything, and am honestly in awe of your ability to produce such high-quality work in the face of entitled commenters and remain level-headed and mature. i am so so happy to have gone on your tumblr and to see that you have been getting kind supportive comments here, and i would just like to add my voice to that support and the love and gratitude being sent to you. take all the time you need and make whatever decisions you need to make, but i truly hope you never doubt what a brilliant writer you are, and what a brilliant story this is. the past few months of my life have been a mess, and reading your hotd fics has been such a genuine bright spot by being something to help me get through each week and giving me something to look forward to. i am eternally grateful for the time and work you put into each one. sending you so much love and light. thank you!

tbh, I don't really have much energy health wise to rehash the whole situation and how everything went down. someone had been commenting on the story for a while with some entitled undertones, and then their comment on the most recent chapter (after a string of pretty severe hate - the worst of which will never see the light) caused me to lash out. after lashing out, I realized that part of my response crossed the line (bc it can be interpreted differently).

I don't have a screenshot of the OG comment that person made, but I do have a comment of my OG reply, so I guess I could share that? tho that just feels like stirring the pot again, and I don't wish to do that. idk, I've seen a few people debating whether that was offensive or not, and I don't think that's the point, you know, even if I do appreciate the support. people experience/interpret things differently.

anyhow. thanks for the statement of love! it means a lot, and I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. while I will not, and will never, unblock that user, two wrongs don't make a right and all that. I just want to move on, and the readers to move on (while taking this lesson into account). I just feel like I failed in cultivating a fun space for people, tho I suppose that might have been too big of an expectation? I've never experienced stuff like this before, and I feel like with popular(ish) stories in big fandoms it might be better for authors (or at least me) to not engage with comments.

thanks sm for reading again 💜

[mangodestroyer]

If you want to check out my fics, I'd appreciate it. You don't have to tho. I will admit that they aren't exactly as good as they could be. I was having a dissociative episode when I started writing fics on my ao3 and have also been rusty because I took a three year break from writing. The dissociative episode was giving me some serious brain fog. I've been editing my works recently to make them a lot better because now I actually have a better idea of how to write them.

I also understand if my current wip isn't to many people's liking. It's... definitely an oddity in the fanfic world. I've definitely adopted a style that I personally love that other people might not like. It has many heavy themes in it and probably wouldn't be the most comfortable thing to read. This fic is basically my maladaptive daydream. So because of its personal nature, that might also be a turn off for people. It's pretty obvious at this point that my wip is not appealing and that's fine. At the end of the day, it's my story. It's a work of fiction that I wish existed in the world but just doesn't. Sadly, there just aren't a whole lot of new adult stories about the struggles of being a neurodivergent adult. Nor too many that I have seen that explore coping with trauma from lots of emotional abuse and some other things that might have happened in childhood. I also have only recently seen dissociative and psychedelic art, but never see it in written form. Needless to say, there is a disconnect for me and lots of media out there. I just want more characters that I can seriously relate to. You'd think more stories of traumatized ND adults would exist, but they just don't.

After being in a toxic fandom, I do NOT care to be a part of another one. If a fandom is too much for me to handle, I dip. I don't care to block hundreds of people just to exist in peace. It's so not worth it. I'll watch the show the fandom is for if I enjoy it, but that's about it.

Tbh, I was a little shocked when I found out that people thought fanfic was just for teenagers. I got into fanfic when I was 14-years-old. So nearly a decade ago. It was a different world back then. Believe it or not, depending on what fandom you were in or what spaces you chose to hang out, the hobby could actually be quite elitist. It was obvious that there were a bunch of adults participating in fanfic, even if I didn't know the ages of the users posting. You could tell by the way they were writing and the contents of the fics that these authors were definitely older. And back in the day, you wouldn't get drilled for how "problematic" your fic is (which nowadays can mean writing a two year age gap, or some other nonsense). No, you could instead find yourself getting drilled because you didn't write a good enough story. People could be fucking vicious if your works were deemed "shitty." I never experienced this myself, but I knew to not mess with the big kids. You left them alone unless you were ready to get on their level.

This is why I don't get why people think fanfiction is all shit and written by 12-year-olds. There are so many different types of people who are into this hobby and a shocking amount of top-notch content out there available for free. As a teenager, I was actually pretty afraid to post online because I didn't want to disappoint the adults in my fandom. It took me a lot of bravery to start posting. I knew at the time that my writing was definitely not on their level. Thankfully, I met a lot of nice adults who didn't take issue with the obvious low-quality of my works and who were willing to support me anyway. I mean, looking back, it was pretty obvious that those works were written by a teenager. The characters were overly emotional and immature. They didn't have realistic reactions to adult situations at all. They didn't even seem to conceptualize them. It's kind of funny looking back, cause these characters would be between the ages of 19 to 45, and they were acting like my, at the time, 15 to 17-year-old self. I know I'm only (almost) 23, but it's weird to think about how little I knew about the world at the time. How little I even knew about myself. It's wild how much you can learn and change in five years. I thought I could write angst as a teenager, and then my adult self started developing some serious mental health issues from my trauma and gained some new traumas. Now I sometimes envy how innocent my younger self was.

Whelp, I suppose that's one thing that can make me feel better about my writing. Just knowing that my younger self would have probably killed to be at the skill level I'm at now. I often tend to doubt my abilities. But I did at least improve.

Anyway, I wouldn't ever want the older fans to go away. They are more than welcome in my book. Even as a teenager, I loved and respected them. I loved reading works from adult fanfic writers when I was a teenager because at the time, they were all so breathtaking to me. I used to feel like I had to be very respectful in their presence because they had so much experience writing, and even today, I still feel like I'm just too young for some fans. Would a middle-aged fanfic writer care to read about my early 20's angst? I'm not sure. But regardless, these guys are still my role models. Even if I'm probably too old for that. And if idiots from other fandoms don't want them, I'll happily welcome them into my fandom.

I can assure you that other good fandoms exist. I used to believe there were no more good fandoms, until I found GOs. And that's when it started to click what fandoms I oughta be looking for. In my experience, things that are VERY mainstream tend to attract toxic fans. You need to go for things that are more obscure. Mature content also tends to attract better fans. Also, I hate to say it because it sounds pretentious and horrid, but intelligent content also tends to have better fandoms. For instance, books that are long with high reading levels and complicated themes are probably going to be a turn off for the types of people who like to pick fights and suffer from black and white thinking. It's a true psychological fact that low intelligence and a lack of education can lead to impulsive, volatile behaviors. It isn't always the case, but there is a correlation. And like I said earlier, I think the characterization also has an impact on the types of fans the content will attract. If the characters tend to be impulsive, mean, and narcissistic, you'll probably find yourself with fans who share those traits. Vibe is a huge factor here.

I've considered delving into the fandoms of some video games I grew up playing because the fans are honestly so chill. There's one game in particular with a small fandom, but the fans who are active in online spaces for the game are great. There's no elitism or anything. They just like to find different ways of playing the game and talk about it. Give their characters deep lore and everything.

Good Omens fandom is such a nice place that I forgot how bad it can be in other fandoms.

[olderthannetfic]

Jesus Fucking Christ. I *wish* folks stopped ""criticizing"" AO3 if they *do not* understand it is an archive and not a fucking social media like Wattpad. I just encountered a post (not on Tumblr) where someone stated their frustration about how recent fandoms are just a bunch of conformists and take Wattpad for granted, thinking that Wattpad (as the corporation that is) *care* about fanfic authors. I did agree with OP, because OP didn't just mentioned AO3 as a safe and better place for fanfic authors, but other indie/specific archives. The thing is, when you have *better* places for your thing why the fuck do you stay on a awful designed site as Wattpad?

Well, a lot of folks took that *really* personal and started "criticizing" AO3 with stupid shit as:

"I don't know if people follow me!" Isn't that fucking better, actually? You *care* too much about followers and you think that "followers = quality". Depending on followers to value your work is *unhealthy* as fuck.

"I can't comment per paragraph/I don't like how people on AO3 don't comment at all". See point 1 but also like, if you want that constant feedback, that's okay. Stay on Wattpad (don't cry if your account or you fanfics get massive flagged and Wattpad doesn't say you shit about why they deleted your works tho [that still happens, *a lot]), but on AO3 is *not* necessary. Also I bet you don't even comment on fanfics. The most annoying people that cry "readers that don't comment are bad!!!" tend to be huge hypocrites.

"I don't know if people still read my fanfic because they can't 'vote' every chapter!" See point 1 again. Seriously folks, stop undervaluing your works. Quantity doesn't mean quality. And if y'all care that much about statics to the point of getting anxious and depressed and demotivated, you can hide the statics on AO3. I *hate* how social media has raised the young.

"AO3 isn't intuitive! I don't understand shit!" Why y'all *love* showing your learned incompetence? Search tutorials! They're *everywhere*. On TikTok, on Tumblr, on Twitter, on Facebook, on YouTube. Y'all just fucking lazy and proud of it. Sad, actually. Also, it shows that y'all never saw a digital library. Also sad.

"AO3 will turn toxic if people start massive joining". Darling, sweetheart, dear: 1. That 'massive joining' happened already, on 2020 and is still happening; 2. This is not Wattpad. Wattpad feels toxic because is like a social media, is like Twitter; it has all the features that annoying people love to use to harass other people. AO3 doesn't and thank God for that.

Then, besides of all that crap someone commented this and I still can't stop laughing: "AO3 is starting to be the site of the 'Not Like Other Girls', I'm so tired". Bitch, what the fuck do you mean by that, LOL? Then that commenter proceeded to moan about how people don't read their fic (oh okay you're just salty, LMAO.)

Anyway, listen. If you needs are covered by Wattpad's awful design, that's okay. Every fandom have different needs. That's why independent archives exists! But for the love of God stop "criticizing" AO3 "because it lacks important aspects" when that aspects *aren't* necessary for an *archive*. AO3 wasn't born nor is it nor will be a social media site, and I'm fucking glad. Also, go to a library. Seriously, touch real books. Smell them if y'all can too.

--

[keichanz]

hey i'm still alive

👀

uh so. how's it going. thought i'd give a little life update in case anyone was curious or interested >> tho probs not ;lajdfk;l

yeah i know i've been mia for like. a long time now, and tbh there's no particular reason why. i know i've lost some followers because i've been so inactive and haven't written anything in a long ass time. i do apologize for that. a lot has happened in the last few months and i guess i just wanted to give my friends and follows a brief little overview of what's been going on in my life and to prove that i am indeed still alive lol.

so most of you all know by now that i finally landed a good paying remote job yeah? and at first it was amazing. now? not so much. the schedule sucks ass, the management is balls, and the actual work sucks even more. i'm not happy there anymore so i'm currently looking for a new job. and im so desperate to get out of there i'm looking outside of remote jobs as well.

right now i'm waiting to hear back from an office technician job right here in my town that pays $27 an hour. TWENTY. SEVEN. guys that's $8 more than what i'm making right now ($19 an hour.) oh my GOD if i made that money i'd be able to finally move out of this god awful house with a flea problem that i CANNOT get rid of (my poor babies :( i've legit tried everything, even fucking professionally treated this house with orkin to get rid of them, had both of them get flea baths by a groomer and STILL i cannot get rid of the damn fleas. it's so fucking stressful y'all you cant even begin to imagine), finally get new tires for my truck, and live comfortably with extra spending money without having to worry about paying rent or buying groceries for the month. i'm PRAYING i get this job. even if it's not remote that pay would make it SO worth it.

anyway. moving on.

i've also gotten into a relationship with someone i was desperately in love with, then got my heart broken because he ended things. it hurt a lot. i got over it though, with the help of some pretty amazing friends, and one of my best friends. and right now, i'm currently dating that best friend lmao. so i'm in another relationship, and i'm very happy with him. our relationship began at the end of june, i believe. (i'll never forget the day he asked me to be his. y'all my hearT MELTED 😍😍)

it's a long distance relationship as tom lives in canada, but he did recently come to see me as evidenced by the photo above. i love this man y'all. he's amazing. there is one thing i'm kinda worried about with our relationship, but i won't get into that because thinking about it upsets me. but anyway he makes my very happy. ❤️

so that's pretty much what's been happening. i just haven't really been inspired/motivated to write at all lately, and i do apologize for that. it's just been a very overwhelming few months, with dealing with this damn house, ending a relationship and starting a new one, stress from a job that i'm really beginning to hate, trying to find a new one, and just a few other small things that aren't worth mentioning.

i do hope you all know that this doesn't mean i've abandoned writing or abandoned any of my stories. it's just been difficult to write anything lately but that doesn't mean i don't want to. i still love inuyasha. it's still my favorite anime. i still read fanfic (on occasion, when i have the time as i'm pretty much in a 24/7 discord call with tom except right now because he's at a dentist appt which is why im taking the time to write this -3-) and i still do think about my stories. hell, sometimes i even get an idea for a good oneshot and think to myself "shit i need to write that down" but then i forget about it and hate myself for the next 24 hours -_-

so yeah. that's what's been going on. i'm still around. i still get on here and reblog a few posts, mostly the ones i'm tagged in or some nice fanart. i do miss y'all and i hope my absence hasn't upset anyone or made them think i'm done with the inuyasha fandom. i'm most definitely not. it's just...sort of taking a backseat for now until i sort some things out in my life. definitely not preferable, but it is what it is, y'know.

my dear readers, followers, and friends, i love you all so much and i'm glad you've stuck around this long even though i haven't been around. you're the reason why i'm still here, why i want to someday get back to writing and giving you more content to enjoy and gush over. thank you for your patience with me and still giving love to my stories after all this time. i still get the occasional review for one of my stories, and trust me, i read every single one of them and they make my entire day. it's so nice knowing people are still reading my work and enjoying it. maybe it's selfish, but i hope you never stop, because reading those reviews gives me a huge boost when i'm feeling down on a particular day and it makes me feel like i haven't been forgotten, though by every right i should have been.

okay i've rambled long enough. in short, i just want to say thank you. you're all rockstars. i love you all. ❤️

until next time, my lovelies.

[acheronidae]

Thought's While Binging the Entirety of Ninjago Crystalized in One Sitting:

Warning: I cuss like a drunken sailor, and major spoilers(...duh)

(The following is more chaos than it is actual substance, but what more can you expect from a person who's probably got both ADHD and Autism? I put it under a text break to preserve your sanity.)

(White -> notes I made while watching.)

(Green -> notes I made after the fact.)

-These new ninja assholes are pretty fuckin' annoying. I'm glad those bitches got crystal-zombified./hj

-Zane freezing Nya so she wouldn't return the sea was pretty fucking clever actually, I like that he's actually smart in this show again. Although, how removing a water spirit's powers makes her human again makes less sense to me the more I think about it.

-Ohp, the ninja are in cryptarium...this has never happened before. What do you mean? season 6 isn't canon, the show said so. Fun fact: I skipped it on my most recent rewatch of the show because I hate it so much :D

-Ronin, aka bitchass, you used to be cool, then the island happened and now I hate you. The island ruined everyone, but at least Ronin got his cool status back by the end of the season, he deserves to be cool.

-Pythor, you're still cool(plus that gag where he slapped himself awake was genuinely funny). I wish he was on-screen a bit more this season, he's never not been funny.

-Please, for the love of god, tell me I'm not going to have to endure having this dumbass (Fugidove) being on-screen for much longer. I did, it was agony./hj

-Dareth, back in season two, I hated you, but now you're actually funny so you get an official pardon for all previous bullshitery. Actually, the comedy in this season was pretty good overall.

-*happy stimming*OMG, SALLY'S VAN HAS A PROGRESS PRIDE FLAG ON THE BACK OF IT!! Her guitar has one too.

(For further context: I was spoiled about the fact Harumi was going to come back)

-The reveal should happen soon, I wonder how well it'll be handled......REALLY FUCKING WELL APPARENTLY. And they not only addressed her presumed death, they gave it an entire episode of explaination.

-HEY, I KNOW THAT GOOPY EVIL ASSHOLE! This fucking show, they did NOT! They fucking did, I had to go downstairs and process that for a moment afterwards because holy shit.

-Lloyd, your ex-girlfriend is just as stubborn as you are gullible, she's not gonna change her mind......see? what did I tell you, now your friends and your uncle are presumed dead. But not actually dead, of course, fake-out deaths are a dime a dozen with this show.

-Okay, shit's going down now. Harumi I stfg if you don't change sides by the end of this season and get back with Lloyd I will punch you, not even fictional characters are safe from catching these hands. She did, I knew she would, but now she's definately safe from getting punched.

-Garmadon's his roomate isn't he? *sees flashback* oh, I forgot about that in season ten, this makes a whole lot of sense now. I may or may not have immediately gone to ao3 looking for Lord Garmadon/Vinny fanfic out of curiousity, and then spiraled downwards into being a survivalshipper.

-Holy shit, Oni Garmadon's new design FUCKS, huge step up from when he looked like a goddamn cars movie shitpost. Makes sense, this season was clearly not as rushed as season 10 and they had to figure out a good design for him(the overlord looks kinda dumb tho).

-Homebois, why do you always immediately jump to hating on Garmadon. I know he's a dick sometimes but he's helped you just as much, probably more than he's fucked shit up.

-As much as I don't like post-oni-and-dragon era Ninjago(aside from this specific season, this one was good), the animation style is something I cannot complain about, it's real pretty.

-(Reacting to Zane's plane crashing) Please don't almost die again, Zane, don't let the show bully you like that. He almost died again, first fake-out in a while that actually got me emotional, especially with Zane being the victim(cause he has the highscore).

-Oh shit! No, nononono, he's making Ninjago city all weird again, please don't let this end like season 3, that made me cry so fucking hard. It didn't, thank fucking god.

-Your dad has a point there, Lloyd, he hasn't always let you down when you've needed him(though he has done it more than few times).

-OOOooh, callbacks to season 2. Makes sense because this is (presumably) the last season of the main show, and ending it fighting off the villian who was the big bad in what was previously supposed to be the last season(and the antagonist of season 3(and Decoded)), makes a lot of sense.

-God damnit, I know it's just a glitch, but I did NOT need the Ice Emperor to show up again even a little bit. I fucking hated season 11 btw, fucking hated it.

-Ronin, I take back what I said earlier, I love you, you glorious bastard(also GODAMNIT FUGIDOVE!...okay that one joke he made was funny). "Because...Inspirational Speech!" was the joke in question btw.

-(Reacting to Borg being oblivious to the invasion because he was hyperfocused on a project) That's a big fuckin mood right there. I should get that Autism diagnosis, shouldn't I?

-Cole absolutely has a concussion right now, homeslice is not having a good time. And then he was fine right afterwards, because this show does not take injuries seriously at all(no one's surprised).

-Pythor's right guys, it was rude of you to leave while he was monologuing.

-(Reacting to the titlecard for "Compatible") This episode is gonna give me the feels, isn't it? Yep, yep, it gave me the feels...godamnit show, godamn you, they used the music from the end of season three too, omfg this SHOW!/pos/aff

-Oh yeah, I forgot Jay and Nya were married(or the contradictory in-universe version of marriage, anyway).

-I'm going to start quoting that, aren't I? "Complation," that's fuckin funny. It was also really sweet of Lloyd to go back to the Serpentine library for Chistophern, knowing it'd make up for yelling at his dad earlier.

-*sings at top of lungs*JUMP UP, KICK BACK, WHIP AROUND, AND SPIN!! AND THEN WE JUMP BACK TO IT AGAIN, NINJA! (GO!) NINJA! COME ON, COME ON, INTO THE WEEKEND WHIP! As you can probably tell, I have a lot of nostalgia for this mess of show.

-The fuckin' lightning chicken is infected? We're out of hope you guys, I'm sorry./j

-I've always loved Garmadon's sass, and I am so glad that it only got better when they resurrected him in season 8. Honestly, as much as I missed Sensai Garmadon after season 4(and technically 5 too because he only showed up briefly), this version of him is probably my favorite.

-Shintaro, Merlopia, and the Sepentine to the rescue, hell yes!

-THE DRAGON FORMS, HELL YES!

-Oh FUCK...OVERLORD YOU DONE FUCKED UP SIR, HARUMI'S ABOUT TO KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS, DUDE! I like that the Overlord having possesed the Great Devourer back in season one makes the first two seasons make more sense in retrospect(I mean, it took around ten years for that reveal, but still).

-(@ King Vangelis)You did slave labor bro, that ain't cool, cool people don't own slaves.

-She attached the godamn drill to her mech? Pixal is Donnatello kinnie confirmed?!/hj To anyone reading, go watch Rise of the TMNT right now if you've never seen it before, it's fantastic.

-Oh boy, series finale time...I'm not ready for this.

-Garmadon you bitch, you better not fucking die right now, I stfg! He faked his own death to motivate Lloyd into entering his oni form, which is both very in character and hilarious.

-THE ULTRA DRAGON?! It wasn't, but I was confusled for a second.

-I'm actually going to fucking cry...*looks at clock and sees that it's almost 2am*...I think I should go to bed actually.

[nessie665]

hii i just finished reading Where a Thousand Lovers Cry for the second time and i was wondering if you would ever continue it, it really is such a beautiful story and its so nice to see lesbians being (semi) happy for once!! i was just really curious because its been so long since the last update and i really do love it!!!

Oh wow, I can't believe I got this ask! It's really blowing my mind that someone still cares about that fanfic! Thank you so much, I have been getting so much positive feedback for that story this year, and I'm a bit eager to reply as I'm so blow away.

And sorry I took so long to answer, but here we go

Okay so a lot had happened since my last update

I got my first work, I got intro medical school, and what finally killed my fanficion writer career was doing those 2 thing at the same time

Which is a thing you can do, I guess if you hate yourself that much, but for me was not it. It was harsh and long term unsustainable, and it wrecked my body and my heath in so many ways (that's what working 36 hours a week, sleeping 3-4 hours a night and having fried chicken as your main meal every day do to you)

So I'm dropping out after 3 semesters, and going intro a new career path. I took the decision a week ago, and it's incredible how much I changed since then, my face look different, my posture look different, I can feel my brain rewiring itself intro a more healthy mode.

So all that means, I will be college free until January, I'm still gonna be working, but I will have a lot of time in my hands

I'm planing to go back to the fanfic?

...ahh, maybe? There is SO MUCH editing I need to do, basically threw the whole story away and start again and tbh I forgot the plot at this point.

BUT, I want to use Erika and Christine again SO BADLY, my girls were so cute, I love them so much, and I don't really miss them bc I never let them go, truly.

Surprisingly chapter 5 of watlc is pretty much written in Google Docs, it's pretty chaotic tho, there are like 10 different versions of the same conversation and I can see why it was the chapter that broke me.

I have been thinking about just, go and finish it! Even if I don't know that happens next, why not, I just need to cut some material, patch some plot holes with lesbian fluff and call it a day while I think about how to fix it.

I recently starting writing with them again, just random stuff trying to familiarize myself with them again, like this super indulgent phantom spy x family au I have been writing and such xd. They have always been my main daydreaming source.

I kinda feel like a new writer stepping at middle season of a tv show, and I'm afraid I may not have what got people interested in my story anymore, but I will be happy to try

thank you again <3

[taegularities]

Heyy! So, I really dunno if I’m the one who’s lagging on some brain cells but just hear me vent something out. {idk what tw is exactly applicable but ig toxic fandom?tag should be okay}

So, I have a couple moots who are all bookworms like me, and since we’re dedicated armys, we usually lookout for fanfics and basically recommend fics of our choice on an ig chat(sort of a book club activity you can say). Now here’s one thing: a moot shares a profile of <mystical princess> user from wattpad and it creates a sort of havoc in our gc: mostly as in, it’s hyped as if it’s a breaking news or something. Later I get to know that this user happens to be an account owned by aespa’s giselle in her predebut years. It recently got much attention because somebody leaked it apparently, and here’s where the actual problem is. I know some moots on that gc are toxic armys - the army who shared the profile happens to be one too. She said very demeaning stuff about giselle and even said it’s such characterless attitude to maintain wp account if you’re a celebrity - like??? I don’t stan aespa alr, but I’m pretty sure giselle never knew she was gonna become an idol from the beginning. Also, what’s wrong in maintaining a writing page? She did that stuff as a child, and leaking away this info about her account is like breaching her privacy. Moreover, using this as a means to spread hate only because of that one controversy for which she apologised (the racist slur one) is ridiculous imo. I can’t really say anything to them because most of them happen to be older than me but I think what that moot pointed out was blunt hypocrisy. Someday some fanfic writer from tumblr happened to become a popular writer and their tumblr profile is leaked without their knowledge, won’t they face hate too? What’s the point of spreading such hate when you could be peacefully binging on fics instead?😕 I think I spoke a lot anyways, it kinda feels better to have written this out because I was feeling heavy the whole time with this piling up in my head 😅 you’re a good human who listens to others rants without being much judgemental so I just blurted stuff out here, sorry if I had been rude at some point!!

the tw is okay !! thank u so much for adding one <3

hmmm, yeah that does not sound healthy. judging celebrities – or people in general – bcos of such a thing is definitely unsolicited. fanfic writers are just people, too 😭 no one would criticise professional writers either – i don't know aespa or giselle, or anything about the slur controversy (have just heard of aespa), but the fact that her wattpad account caused such a controversy is such a stupid thing lmao that's as if they're cancelling her for being a celebrity's fan pre-debut.

i agree with u, one should just read fanfics in peace 🥲 and ahh, honestly, that's probably just me, but in such a situation i just say nothing; bcos it's a conflict that can be avoided! unless it derails !! 😐

but i mean the main advice i can give u is to definitely leave the group – sometimes, when u feel bad about smth, things just get worse and then blow up someday. i bet it'd be better for u if u didn't have to deal with those things anymore, since i can see that it's affecting u. i hope u do what's right for u tho; and i hope things get better in that group soon 💕

[celibibratty]

(sigh), yesterday was the day, the day that changed everything, the day I saw that damn story, whenever December 23th arrives I always think about that, i will talk about this day cuz i think It's important for me to talk about this💨, I even remember the clothes I was wearing that day, I was wearing a blue tank top with flowery purple short, it was 2019, I was in the bedroom and it was almost night, I was watching this ao3, checking to see if there was any new sean x daniel story, and I updated the page and with that a new fanfic appeared (which was this damn story), I looked at the tags and saw that the story was happening in blood brothers and there was something to do with rape/abuse, I thought "hmn, this must be just another story of Sean acting like a freak (and I also i used read all of the stories,so)", I put it on, the story had started with the first red flag, which it was the fact that the person put the homies from ep 3 (cough, cough cassidy) in it and made daniel being supeer okay with that 💢🔥, and i get super pissed because in the story the person put that daniel was jealous of finn stealing sean from him tho in the game daniel is jealous of sean WITH CASSIDY NOT WITH FINN!!!💢🔥(and in the story there was cassidy in the middle), i thought it was so stupid, but keep reading, well, then we got to the shocking part, I got to the part that is close when things...start happening, and I realized that daniel had some weird dialogues and a very strange way for being the victim, I just remember that I felt a pain in my stomach, a bad feeling and thought "wait!?, is daniel who going to do this to sean?, no, no, it can't be, it can't be that", then I went down and I got to the naughty parts, I realized it was really Daniel and I thought "yeah, it is", I was so shocked, so disgusted, it never crossed my mind to invent Daniel doing this to Sean, I never pictured Daniel that way (he was my bratty💧, the sassy pretty kid💧), i never thought of daniel like that with sean, i didn't imagine them like that even in redemption (even daniel being more masculine), imagine then in bb, never!, I got super anxious, I started to shake, my breathing was so labored, I couldn't even breathe, but my mind forced me to keep reading until I finished, because I thought that if I kept reading, if I endured it maybe it would hurt less...

(it's almost like I knew that from now on this version of their pair would be more frequent, so i should get used to it, a-and I didn't wanted to sound boring, or different, I don't understand why I thought that way, I don't care what others think, but at the time I remember that I didn't wanted to be different, i didn't wanted to be the only one), I felt like snow white in the scene with the trees, I had finished reading, totally devastated and a bit numb, I saw that there were some comments, I wanted to see even for maliciousness, i wanted to see if someone was complaining about this shit, but no, and to my surprise every single person that i knew that were the ones that "enjoyed" sean x daniel was praising it, i felt (sigh) so betrayed, the comments people saying things like "possessive daniel is so hot", " oh, daniel topping sean is such a concerpt that should be more explore" and I was like "no, what do you mean?, daniel is not like that, I thought you liked it them together because it was cute💧", I felt horrified, it was everyone, I remember throwing the phone on the bed in horror, then I got up and went to do my tasks to reflect a little, before I talk about this part I need to talk about another situation/fanfic that have a great influence on that day, but sometimes I forget about it (well, before this damn fanfic appeared, the most recent and famous story was a story that had a kinda of lolita vibe, that's what I call this story, the lolita story vibe, this fanfic was also one that had/has a kinda of heavy/nonsense vibe, but I had read it and thought it was okay, I even kinda of...liked it at the time💨, but then one day someone made a comment saying that they didn't like the story very much, because they thought sean didn't seem like sean, he was very pervert and that the story had a kind of strange vibe, very heavy, and the person didn't like it very much, I was so ashamed, I hadn't thought like that, I thought it was okay, I got like "yeah, y-you are right, this story is do weird💧💨"...

continuing, I remember cleaning the cats' potty and mentally saying "I hated this story, I thought it was disgusting, horrible, I want the person who invented it to suffer, I thought it was horrible" but then another voice appeared saying "no ana, don't say that, it's not cool to talk like that about other people's work, the person probably worked hard on it, the story was huge), but I thought "i don't care, I thought it was nasty, I hated it, that was horrible", and then the other voice said "oh, ana, but the lolita story was also horrible, and YOU liked it!, you don't have the right to complain, if you liked that one, now you'll have to like this one too" (it seemed like a dispute between my mind and my heart), I felt so bad, I wanted to take it away from me, but I couldn't open up to anyone, I was thinking about marina, what was I going to say to her?💧, I didn't wanted her to see these dolls like that, I didn't wanted that she sees them like that now too, I didn't wanted her to remain like me, I think it's horrible, but I swear I would give this story a kudo even though I hated it and it made me feel so sick, but it was because I thought that maybe giving a kudo I would feel less bad for having hated it, I finished doing what I had to do, I went to the bedroom and when I updated the page of this ao3 the story was gone, it gone in the same day(it seems like it only appeared to mess with my head cuz it gone right after it), the story had been deleted (and thank god it was gone, i swear i would have given a kudo if it hadn't and i would never-forgive-myself-for-it), i got so relieved, i even felt...happy, but what had it done to me , it was done, even relieved, I still felt strange, I felt that I had lost something, and I say, I feel that on that day I lost my love for these dolls, after that it was never the same, tbh i feel like i lost everything, everything that meant to me (my love for this dolls, my confidence, my stability, a-and my creativity)

[noxiatoxia]

heyy yyits been a while

ngl i ran out of hikakao hcs/scenarios. i cant think of anything,, so if u have any please share i want to talk about them but i have nothing in my brain. brain empty

ALSO i want to play sonic now i keep seeing post about it and im like Damn i want to play a sonic game. never been able to play one because ive never been fortunate enough to own a nintendo device, like a ds or a switch. def would've LOVED sonic if i did have one when i was younger, considering how much i love the guy now. unfortunately i have No Money. Sad

also this is unrelated but i really like tetris i like tetris a lot. i play tetris for hours on end recently,, i even started playing it in my head any second my mind wanders. every time i close my eyes, my brain is fitting together those colored blocks. its a lifestyle now, one ill never escape. but thats ok im a little autistic and i like tetris. life is good

HEY it's ok dude i get it!! sincerely just Thankful somebody has as much brain rot as me abt them

I guess I'll take this moment to ramble a teeny bit about them. So the other day I was on a JP doujin site reading this hikakao doujin and I was like "Oh I've seen this one before but in English. Where's the english one" and i almost went searching for it till i realized that. there is no english translation I just can read/understand Japanese so I've read it before and understood it and that translated into my head as "it must have been in english" which is so wild to me. gaslit myself into believing there was an eng version of this doujin bc i can read japanese.

The other thing I've been thinking about is the ship itself and how I like to perceive it.... believe it or not I have rather complicated feeling on it. As in, there's a LOT of thoughts I have about hikakao as a ship. Obv there's the straight forward romantic "they're in love your honor" way WHICH I don't mind not at all, I like it. But I think my favorite dynamic is?? hard to pin point. So ok, in my head, I don't think they see each other (or would ever really see each other) as "boyfriends" or even romantically? But their relationship is def more than platonic. Basically some weird queer shit is happening idk. They're each other's closest and most important person, they are closer than most COUPLES are with each other but they don't see each other as lovers. But they do all those gay things, depending on how I feel I want to portray them sometimes it's just they kiss sometimes bc they're that close with each other and other times it's like. yeah they fuck. But either way it's like. They always see each other as brothers and nothing "more", but "brothers" to them is this very very weird thing. It's what most people would consider "dating" and "lovers" but that's not how they see it. Is this making sense.

I think this fanfic is the closest adaptation to what I'm trying to describe here, it's short but rlly fucking good. But it's a really interesting take on their relationship and tbh? I think I vibe with this the most. They're not "in love" but they love each other, and people on the outside might not see a difference. I guess it comes down to the fact romantic/platonic attraction is a spectrum, and Hikakao lies in some weird gray era.

Of course tho I love the ship in all forms, even strictly only platonic/familial, cuz I guess my interpretation isn't too far off, just a little more "questionable" (lol).

And idk your thoughts on tamahikakao, or haruhikakao, but I love both those ships, too. I have VERY complicated feelings on both much like hikakao itself so if you wanna know more I'll let you know >u< but ANYWAYS yeah, I'm obsessed with these co-dependent weirdos, love 'em (and for anybody new here reading this I think it should be common fucking sense but I do not support incest in real life bc what the fuck)

About SONIC!!! I could talk literal hours. I have before to my friends. Sonic was my first and oldest special interest, the series is so dear to my heart. I don't know EVERYTHING of course, I think that's impossible, but I'm close. I know so much useless facts/watched all the shows + movies/played the games (not all of them, also broke + i suck at sonic games hilariously)/read the comics/etc etc. My favorite sonic games growing up, hilariously, we're not any of the main line games. I always loved the spin-offs. My absolute favorite was Dr. Robotnik's mean bean machine. I played that sooo much, beat it multiple times. It's literally just puyopuyo reskinned. Otherwise, I LOVED Sonic Fighters, Sonic 3D Blast, Sonic R, Sonic Riders and Shadow the Hedgehog. Some may say I have bad taste but I say everyone just doesn't fucking know how good these games were /lh (altho I will defend Shadow the hedgehog to the grave I LOVED that game)

Of course I played all the other major titles, the genesis games, Colors, generations, black night/secret rings, unleashed, etc etc even 06, which back then as a little kid even I knew it wasn't very good... it just wasn't that fun to play.

OH I almost forgot the handheld games. I sadly didn't get to experience the ones outside of the Gems Collection for gamecube, so the GBA/DS ones I never really got a chance to play except Sonic Battle (LOVED THIS ONE TOO), Sonic Rush, and Sonic Chronicles which... was a VERY interesting game that confused me a lot as a kid but I still liked it (basically Sonic JRPG)

someday here, I plan to buy the Sonic Advanced titles, since outside of Sonic Ultimate Flash (that fanmade game) I never got to really play them. I like playing on actual hardware, and I have a DS Flashcart, so I can play any DS game, but GBA games I cannot.... maybe I'll get a GBA flashcart if they exist and aren't too pricey.

If you're like me and don't like playing on PC emus bc it's just better to play on actual hardware, all I can really suggest is save up for a ds + a ds flashcart. Otherwise, if you have an Xbox system or Play Station, I know quite a few sonic games are on those! Sonic Heroes (forgot to mention, love this one too) is on the OG Xbox, and Shadow the Hedgehog + Unleashed are on PS2. And of course there's many on Xbox360/PS3, and so forth. So if you have those systems look into what Sonic games there are!!

And of course you can always just read the new IDW comics (much better than the Archive comics IMO, up to issue 52 rn. It's SO good, the story and the new characters are just amazing.

Also, I love tetris, too :) It's a fun calming game for me. Also it's got that sick music, obviously. I have Tetris Plus for the gameboy and play it when I get bored, but I wish I had the OG tetris bc I don't think Plus has the music... it's been a long time, tho. Dr. Mario is another game I have and am kinda obsessed with tbh. Ah good memories man