#to have this acknowledgment of kanan means so much

[battledroidwrites]

“Who taught you how to build a lightsaber, anyway?”

“Kanan Jarrus.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. He was my Master. Taught me everything I know.”

[monvante]

persona non grata ╱ myg, 𝟏.

per·​so·​na non gra·​ta: unwelcome or unwanted. not popular or accepted by others.

pairing: myg x f!reader

genre: suspense / noir / detective au

rating: mature | 18+

chapter word count: 3,067

content warings: crime, blackmail, missing person investigation, themes of violence and murder, 90's cult references, corrupt cops, mentions of physical fighting, cockroaches, depictions of dementia, substance abuse & addiction, reader is grieving a breakup;

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chapter i. goodbye, kanan.

Tuesday night, March 18th @ ViCAP Unit, Missing Persons Dept.

Your hands don’t feel clean. They just never do. 

“It’s that same nightmare,” you rub them together, finding comfort in the heat.

Yoongi looks at you. He says nothing, because of course he doesn't. He already noticed the dark circles under your eyes this morning, how you looked at your cup of coffee with a bit more disgust than usual.

He admired your hatred, your devotion to your spiteful heart.

“Cockroaches.” Your sad chuckle is but self-mockery. Your gaze is crestfallen.

He’s left to calculate within the machinations of his mind whatever meaning there is in your nightmare. 

Yet, Yoongi finds none whatsoever.

“Have you eaten?” 

“Why?”

“Just asking,” he shrugs. “Take tomorrow off,” Yoongi hides his hands inside the pockets of his trench coat. His concern is disguised in his eyes, looking out the foggy windows of the department office. “You need it.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

“Let it go.”

“He was eight years old! He was a child!”

The air tightens in your lungs and your throat thickens with silence. You didn’t mean to sound so exasperated, you didn’t mean to sound like anything, but you’ll have to be the first to face your emotional ties to the cold case of a young boy whose face is ingrained in the back of your mind.

Yoongi gulps ⎯  it’s the first thing he does when the truth’s engulfed in his stomach. You glare at him, but he doesn’t budge. Not for a few seconds at least, taking a few steps back as he still refuses to look you in the eye. All cops are cowards.

“You wanna know why we got this case?”

Your brows perk. 

“It’s not because we’re good,” he scoffs. “Last year... I confronted McKinnon about the money. He called me a snitch… I didn’t- I didn’t tell him you were in on it, but I figured he knew. That bastard just.. kept looking at me with those filthy eyes and I- I hit him, okay? I got him good. He deserved it.”

“Is that why you kept avoiding me all those months?”

“Kind of. He said we wouldn’t come out of it alive if the ACU so much as dreamt of it… So I kept quiet. He gave us a case full of dead ends and shit evidence to keep us busy… Said we deserved it.”

The Anti Corruption Unit had been onto the agents’ tail that month. Not that it matters. Nothing was found.

“Why– why didn’t you tell me?”

He runs a hand through his hair, slowing down his breath. In the same second, he fails himself and his fury comes out in full force.

“Fuck’s sake! And risk you being dead? Or worse?!” 

There are drops of sweat down his temple. You can see them because the yellow street lights glisten against his skin and you figure he’s telling you the truth. Even if he wasn’t, you’d be inclined to believe him. 

No one else in this godforsaken unit has a commitment to the truth like Yoongi. 

Thursday morning, March 20th @ ViCAP Unit, Missing Persons Dept.

Agent Gerwig gives you a warm, tight-lipped smile when you pass her down the hallways. You hurry past the agents down the coffee machine, avoiding small talk and nearly tripping down the stairs on your way to Yoongi’s desk. 

The insides of your stomach are twisting and turning as you rush inside, uninvited and breathless, waiting for him to acknowledge you behind his incessant typing and the meaningless emails he reads everyday. 

Yoongi seems as still and lifeless as ever, which somehow comes as a comfort to you. 

“Days off are supposed to make you look better, not worse. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He types as fast as he comes up with witty remarks. 

“That’s because I have!” You spit back, fists closed tightly around the newspaper in your hands.

He quirks up one brow, enough for you to know you’ve got his attention.

“Here,” you toss it onto his desk. “Read it.”

November 27th, 1991. Solved case: Thanksgiving kidnappings linked to man apprehended by police.

“That’s Adam Bowen. He got arrested a night after Kanan went missing,” you huff, catching your breath. “They never considered him a suspect because… the timelines didn’t add up, apparently.” 

Yoongi looks up at you from the large frame of his glasses.

“And?”

“Police always suspected he worked with his brother… but they never found enough evidence to prove it. They never even found said brother, the guy disappeared out of thin air and Bowen never told them anything. Not a word.”

He leans back, stretching his arms. His gaze diverts away from you or the paper altogether and he’s staring into space, seemingly at a loss for words.

“They got one brother, huh? Looks like it was enough for them to settle it,” Yoongi clicks his tongue. “Sloppy as all hell.”

In your heart, there’s some feeble hope, but most of it has been filled with despair and a fierce jealousy towards anyone who still maintained a sense of normalcy. Your last seven years have been haunted by nightmares, tainted by the faces of all the missing person reports hanging on your walls.

“We got a second half of the story to figure out.”

Yoongi nods. He closes off his laptop and puts his hands around his gun belt.

Friday night, March 21th @ Agent ___’s home.

Circe’s orange tail swirls around your leg before she’s meowing next to her empty bowl, with cute and threatening eyes glaring into your soul. You can barely catch your breath on the couch ⎯  you got shit to do. 

Her paws trail happily after you once you’re pouring the pack of Whiskas onto her tiny plate, making a mental note to throw nearly all the home decor away before Easter comes. The apartment is filled with portraits, vases and candles Yuri generously left you with. 

Such courtesy of your ex-fiancée to have abandoned all your memories and stories behind. 

You’re running out of coffee, hope and sugar.

Yuri was not a bad man. It’s what you told yourself, once. He wanted the kids and the white picket fence life, away from violent gangs and city lights, where he’d craft the perfect nuclear family, worthy of homemade apple pies and Sunday barbecues.

But you liked the urban loneliness, your shoebox apartment and the green subway lights on your way back home. You liked the comfort of knowing every neighborhood like the palm of your hand, the ins and outs of every highway and the thought of heartless strangers passing you by, not caring for your name.

You missed him. His warm body pressed against yours and his golden, brown skin; you missed him selfishly ⎯  your comfort zone walked away and resentment grew alongside the fondness. 

You hoped he was happy without you, but not too much.

When your co-workers asked you about him, a few days after he packed his bags, all you gave them was a shrug and a poor explanation, the kind that everyone does: we were incompatible, it wasn’t meant to be, I wasn’t ready. The list went on and on.

The only one to not probe was good old loyal Yoongi. He was indifferent enough to other people’s personal lives not to ask. When you told him, he patted you on the shoulder awkwardly and placed your coffee by your desk with extra whipped cream. 

Saturday afternoon, March 22nd @ Rosefell Nursing Home.

Violet Bowen was not, by any means, what you’d call a reliable witness. She seemed pale beyond human comprehension and her words mostly consisted of hummings or muttering. The moment you saw her, you felt a sting of empathy too strong to ask her of her missing, possibly outlaw brother.

She had no other relatives nor close visitors, except for a caring ex-neighbor who’d bring her flowers every Friday. With nails painted a deep shade of red, she looked to be around eighty, but you couldn’t quite tell. Violet was in poor condition, plagued by dementia and the loneliness of lost loved ones. 

Her caretaker is a vibrant, blonde nurse. A blonde Southern belle whose name tag read in big, uppercase letters.

CAROLYN R. NURSING ASSISTANT

It’s Yoongi who interrogates Violet, remaining unaffected by her lost gaze and brown eyes. He flashes her a picture of her brothers back in the 80’s, sporting what looks to be fluffy mullets. 

She smiles then and her shaky hands point at Adam, but nothing else comes out of her aside from a gleam of life in her eyes. Even if she knew where they were, she wouldn’t tell them a word. 

Carolyn’s smile grows disconcerted. Her hands lay on Violet’s forearm as she pulls a thick chunk of her blonde hair out of her face in typical Southern charm. 

“I think my girl’s had enough here, yes?” She forces a grin, glancing over at Violet. “If you’ll excuse us, it’s tea time.” 

Carolyn helps Violet out of her seat and into the cafeteria. You’re not sure if it’s bad timing or a deliberate attempt from the nursing assistant to end this conversation, but you’re leaning on the latter. Off they go, taking slow, mindful steps away from both of you.

You refuse to look at Violet’s way. Something about her made you want to cry your heart out; the thought of loneliness being an imminent threat to you, too. 

“It’s pointless, Yoongi,” you mutter in your seat, slouching your shoulders. “She’s not going to remember anything.”

He hates to agree. Yoongi tsks, fiddling with his watch.

“Did you check her records at the reception?” He glances over at you, mind brimming with some sort of nefarious idea.

“Yeah,” you nod. “I mean- I didn’t check if she had any funds… It looks like all her properties and money were confiscated by the government, but I should run a background check on her bank accounts, to be sure.”

Monday afternoon, March 24th @ Tech Unit, Information Management Division.

Jenny’s doodles lie by her desk, making the room feel like a high school classroom. You haven’t spoken to her since December; what was once a blossoming friendship wilted away thanks to your cowardice and the desire to protect her from Deputy McKinnon’s claws. If Jenny found out, she’d jump the gun. 

And she didn’t have the best aim.

Her Naruto sketches have improved greatly since you last saw them, a massive improvement for just a couple months. Both of you used to laugh at her poorly drawn stick figures, now it looks like she’s ready to take her comics career seriously. You’re happy for her ⎯  she’ll find a way out of this hellhole.

The air is thick and humid in the early Spring, but filled with an extra layer of awkwardness when she sees you from across the room. Jenny’s strides towards her desk are heavy with grief and resentment, but she holds her gaze your way.

“Have you had enough space from me after not picking up my calls?” She slides onto her chair, scribbling a few notes onto her monthly planner. “Long time no see, idiot.”

You don’t have much to say for yourself, even when your chest pangs with her affectionate, yet sarcastic use of the word idiot. 

“A lot happened, is all,” you gesture sheepishly, hands reaching for the insides of your pockets.

“I can imagine.”

“I’m sorry, Jenny… I didn’t mean to-” 

She looks up at you, eyes drenched with irony and something.. something which you can’t name. If it’s hatred or love, you can’t tell.

“Wat’cha want?”

You swallow dry and uneasy, unfolding the paper on your hand with Violet Bowen’s name and address. It’s crumpled and a little thorn ⎯  you were ready to throw it away seconds before coming into the Tech Unit.

“I- I need a background check on someone,” you mutter, lowly. “Bank account activity… Credit cards… Anything you can find from the last… thirty years, maybe?” 

Your attempt at a chuckle fails, denouncing your regret. Jenny notices the furrow of your brows and how concerned you seem, ripping the paper away from your hands. 

“Sure.” 

The seconds fill with silence. You stand by her desk, waiting for a snide comment, a spiteful joke, anything. She looks at you like she knows you want to apologize again.

“Nice sketches!” You smile as a desperate invitation to make friendly conversation. 

Jenny doesn’t cave in.

“You’re dismissed,” she nods at the doorway and hops onto her laptop. “I’ll text you when I’m done.”

Monday night, March 24th @ Agent ____’s home.

“Hey,” you mutter over the phone. “Just checking up on you and mom.”

“Finally!” Albeit sarcastic, your younger sister’s voice is nothing but chirpy, as it has always been. “We miss you, you idiot. You know that, right?”

Over the phone, you can hear your mom’s laugh and a few unintelligible words. It seems she’s adjusting to your dad’s absence. Somehow, you had stopped calling after the funeral. It’s not that you didn’t miss them back ⎯  you were sick of being flooded with memories every time you’d hear her voice. Like your dad was still there too, right beside her.

“Sorry, sweetcheeks. I’ve just been busy.” The explanations and apologies roll off your tongue.

“You know you can’t avoid us forever, right?” Her voice is so sober, it’s as if she’s older than you by a million years. 

When you gaze out the window, loneliness overcomes you. The years spent playing hide and seek in your childhood home are long gone, replaced by miles of distance between you and your family ⎯  how you became so caring and so bad at expressing it like your father. You hate how much of you is made of all the people you love. And miss.

“You there?”

“Y-yeah, yeah I’m sorry.” 

“I swear to God, you gotta stop doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“This.” She pauses. “Acting like we don’t exist. Seriously. We miss you.”

A pang of guilt flashes through your chest. 

“I know.” Your voice is small through the phone again. In between the anxiety and the seconds, you fiddle with your bracelet. “I’m sorry.. It’s been hell.”

“I promised you I wouldn’t tell mom about your breakup, but she keeps asking me. It wouldn’t hurt if you opened up for once.” She sounds more hurt than angry, vindicating your mother after all the months you spent avoiding calls and texts under the pretense of your busy adult job.

Even in the softness of her voice, her words feel harsh. You gulp down a threatening tear, staying silent on the phone. She was still right, though.

“Listen, we love you, okay? I don’t know what kind of shit you’re going through because you won’t tell me everything.. but dude, please, seriously just come visit us sometime. I know you’ve got your job and all, but act human for once. Please?”

“Okay, okay. I’ll try. I promise.”

“Good. I gotta go now. Mom wants to go grocery shopping for some french-whatever-pie and I promised her I’d help. Give Circe my love!”

You chuckle, sadly.

“Yeah… Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll see you guys soon.”

When the call ends, silence deepens. It’s your own doing, you know, but that doesn’t make it any less suffocating. Even when you crave solitude, you’re just plagued by loneliness. 

Wednesday morning, March 26th @ Java café.

Today, Yoongi thinks you look a little better. And by better, it means rested. Of course, your gaze is still very much zombie-like, with glimpses of terror in your eyes when you look away. 

But in this line of work, it ain’t all rainbows and sunshine.

It’s never rainbows and sunshine, he realizes.

“So,” you sigh.

“So.” Yoongi punctuates, giving you room to breathe.

Your eyes are distant, watching children play in the puddles from last night’s rainstorm. The weather has been cruel to this city, punishing sinners and saints alike with a dreadful fog in the mornings and plenty of humidity to drive your hair follicles to the brink of insanity.

“Bowen’s alive, Yoongi. There’s a big chance he just… got away with it.”

Your words aren’t met with so much enthusiasm. You suppose it’s the skepticism in this field ⎯ even the good news don’t feel like good news. Before his questioning and theorizing begins, Yoongi brings up a valid concern.

“Why didn’t his brother spill his whereabouts, though? It’s not like Adam had any reasons to protect his brother any longer.”

“Unless he did.” You counter-argue.

“Why, though? It doesn’t make sense. In ninety percent of the cases, you know what happens. So-called partners in crime turn against each other. It’s good ol’ politics.” Yoongi leans back in his chair, nodding at the waitress for more coffee.

“Maybe he had something to lose,” you purse your lips. The biting of your inner cheeks is such an instinctive habit of yours that it barely stings until you realize how much tension you’re holding in. “Or someone, you know?”

“Several someones.” Yoongi blinks. “Do you remember the Mormon Heritage cult?” His eyes narrow as he scrapes the top of his head.

Your back and forth is interrupted by the local waitress pouring hot black coffee onto Yoongi’s cup. He seems like he’s on a roll today ⎯  it’s his third cup. That you know of.

“Uhhh, kind of. They were a thing in the nineties, weren’t they?” 

“Yeah.. well… the Satanic panic might’ve contributed to that,” Yoongi nods, slipping his mobile out of his pocket. His fingers are hasty, typing up a Google search so he can word vomit every single fact possible. “But we know that the Jesus believers can somehow always be worse.”

He sounds so snarky, it earns a laugh out of you.

“The Bowens were around that time,” he says. “I mean ⎯  the connection seems unlikely, but with these people, you never know.”

You sigh. 

“McKinnon didn’t give us this case for nothing, huh?” Even with half a smile on your face, you can’t help but feel defeated.

“Cheer up, buttercup. I think we got a lead.” He smiles with his teeth for once in a lifetime, raising his eyes from his phone to meet yours. You know he is up to no good ⎯ and that can only be a good thing.

“Buttercup?”

monvante © 2021 - 2024. all rights reserved. do not copy, edit or redistribute my work.

[transitranger327]

It’s Not Enough to Feel the Lack

Sapphic Ahsoka Tano Week, Day 6: Rarepairs

Well folks, have I got a rarepair for y’all: Ahsoka Tano/Transfem Kanan Jarrus. This little canon divergence takes place just after Jarrus runs away from the Bad Batch, and just before Ahsoka goes to Padmé’s funeral. The full fic is below the cut, along with some other notes

“Run, Caleb!”

That’s the last thing she said to me. I hate that it’s the last thing she said to me.

But I did what she said. I ran. I ran from the clones. I ran until I found a city. I ran until I found a ship. I ran with the ship, chasing after the emergency beacon…but it was a trap. Now I’m sitting here, cowering in a corner of the Coruscant system, hoping to the Force that I’m not spotted. 

And I don’t know what to do besides run. 

The holocron she had given me wouldn’t open anymore. All my friends were Jedi that are probably dead, or clones that want to kill me. Who do I run to?

Wait, no! Not all! Ahsoka isn’t a Jedi anymore, I bet she can help me! 

I mean, she wasn’t exactly a friend, but we knew each other from around the temple, and she did help with my remote training. So I set my comlink to scan for her, and managed to find a signal. 

Come in, Ahsoka Tano? This is Caleb Dume. I know you probably don’t remember me, but you helped with my remote training at the temple a few years ago.  I read you, Caleb, and of course I remember you. I assume your master is gone too? Yeah…uh…I need your help Can you get to these coordinates?

A few galactic coordinates popped up on my comlink screen. Somewhere in the Chommell sector, by the looks of it. I checked the ship’s fuel gauge, should be in range. “Yeah, I can make it.”

She radioed back, “Great. Oh, and destroy your Jedi comlink. It’s too easy to track.” Then the channel went silent. 

That scrap of peace was enough. I reached out to the holocron, and it finally opened. I transferred all of my holographic possessions to it, including Master Kenobi’s warning. Then I melted the comlink with my lightsaber. 

—

The coordinates Tano had sent me were for a planet, one that the navicomputer called Karlinus. With nothing more specific included in Tano’s message, I set a course for the largest city. Or, at least, just outside it. Underneath that train viaduct should be a safe spot to stow the ship until I need to leave. 

After an hour of walking underneath the viaduct plus another walking the streets, I found myself outside the main train station. A hooded figure smiled at me from across the plaza, sitting at a bistro table, sipping a cup of caf. Taking a seat myself, I sighed, “boy am I glad to see you.”

Ahsoka chuckled, “You know Dume, you didn’t have to walk all the way here. Most trains here will pick up people who flag them down.” She turned to a waiter who had just approached, “Samé, can you get my friend here a cup of caf? Black and sweet, right?”

I was startled she remembered what I liked, “yeah, that’s right. Could I also get some water?” After the waiter acknowledged the order and returned inside, I asked Ahsoka, “how can you be so calm right now, being this exposed?” I lowered my voice, “we’re fugitives.”

After a deep breath, she replied, “we’re on an agricultural world. The work here is mostly seasonal, so newcomers aren’t treated with any suspicion. The beloved senator has just died, so the dark hooded cloaks are appropriate mourning attire.” Her guarded feelings were starting to seep thru her words. “Caleb, the way we survive is by being smart, and by acting like we belong.” 

My name was a gut punch. It hadn’t felt right recently, but now it was just wrong. “Can you not call me that?” I worried that was too much. “I mean, I don’t want to use a name that’s easily searchable.” Kriff, I backed too much off the throttle. 

Despite a knowing eyebrow raise, she simply responded, “Of course. Do you have a preferred cover?” 

“Jarrus, I think.” I’m not sure where I’d heard the name before, but I liked it. It was an impulse I had tried to tamp down, but there was now an excuse to use a new name. But now I felt too exposed, so I tried to change the subject. “So, why meet here?”

“I met the late senator a few times,” she said, hiding the full truth significantly better than I did, “the funeral is tomorrow, and I wanted to pay my respects.” After sipping her cream caf, she continued, “and since I left, I’ve really started to appreciate the worlds I visit more. The sense of place here is very different, a whole world dedicated to cultivating life.”

Samé appeared, bearing a mug of caf and a tall cup of water. After thanking them and taking a swig of each, I interrogated Ahsoka, “so that’s it, you’re just enjoying life?” There was too much pain in my voice, but I had stopped caring by now. 

“Jarrus, you don’t understand. People are still very much interested in me.” For the first time during our whole conversation, she looked directly into my eyes. “I want to remind you that there is still life out there to live. We have to honor the dead by continuing to live.” She took a deep breath, then looked back out into the plaza. “I figured we could get set up with some new…equipment before we start our new work. And this is definitely a good place to acquire it.”

The caf’s effects were starting to sink in, and I began to see a bigger picture. Ahsoka was thinking three steps ahead; I was still looking for my footing. I sat in silence, continuing to drink, wishing I could start thinking like her. 

“So how does it feel?” 

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run and never stop. But all I could muster was, “it’s just nothing. Empty, where something should exist.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Something should exist and it doesn’t. Nothing good will replace it.”

—

After finishing our caf, stopping by an outfitter for backpacks and work clothes, Ahsoka led the way into a small electronics shop in a back alley. It was overflowing with an odd assortment of equipment, from complex droid parts to individual circuits to finished gadgets. There were very few pathways amongst the menagerie of metal, but Ahsoka managed to gracefully navigate it with ease to the back counter. A middle-aged Naboo sat behind it, tinkering with a comm receiver. Zhe gave us a quick look-over, assessing what kind of clients we would be. Ahsoka’s direct approach with my unfocused browsing must’ve tipped zher off that we were out of the ordinary, because zhe asked, “How’s the plasma in the palace?” 

“Fluvial, as always.” Ahsoka knew the magic words, so I let her do the talking. “We’re friends of Quarsh.”

“Great to hear, how much assistance do you need?” I sensed more code layers in the question, as if only one of zher tests had been passed.

“Only a glitter-lit-ful.” The tension released, the song and dance over. Ahsoka continued, “our comlinks were destroyed on our assignment. My partner is worse at flying speeders than they let on.” 

I thought about protesting, but decided she was better at fabricating a cover story. The shopkeeper opened a drawer that had previously been a seamless part of the wall. It was just as cluttered as the rest of the shop, but zhe extracted two devices and placed them on the counter. “Two encrypted comlinks, perfect for Queen’s Agents such as yourselves.” They were truly beautiful, slightly larger than the Jedi versions, made of what appeared to be wood and trimmed with chrome. We picked them up and slipped them in our pockets. 

“Thank you for the assistance, Solder.”

“As always, Montrals.”

—

As we stepped off the train, I was struck by how little the people around us had interfered with what we were doing. Either they genuinely had no interest in killing us, or Ahsoka was setting me up. The latter was too terrifying to think about, so I tried to put it out of my mind. “So…do you want to tell me what happened to you?”

Ahsoka took a deep breath. “After I left the Order, I got involved with the grey market. I discovered Darth Maul had managed to organize several of the crime families and was running Mandalore from a distance. An old friend asked me to help, and as thanks she gave me the blue & grey you saw me in earlier.”

I spotted a ladder going down one of the viaduct’s support columns. “I’ve met Mandalorians before, how did Maul end up controlling them?” 

“He defeated the previous leader in ritual combat. Not everyone followed, which is why a civil war broke out. I helped to end it.”

“So you were on Mandalore during the Siege?”

“I led the Siege.” She had so much pride in her voice. “Led Clones and Mandalorians alike to retake their planet from Maul.”

“What happened next?”

“We won. I handed the planet back over to the sister of the previous Duchess, and I left with most of the clones I brought.” Her tone then changed to somber. “Next thing you know, I’m escaping a crashing cruiser with the only clone who didn’t betray me.” 

“Serves them right”

I was shocked by her reaction. “Hey, the clones aren’t bad people. It’s not their fault, they were forced to do it.”

We were now stopped, halfway down the ladder. “What do you mean forced? Couldn’t they just say no? I’ve seen clones disobey orders all the time.” Incredulity mixed with fear, thinking Ahsoka might betray me back to the clones. 

“This time it’s different. This order is baked into them. They have a chip in their brains that controls this. I watched Rex struggle against it, the pain he was facing.” She was starting to cry. “I surgically removed it. And afterwards, despite not hurting me, do you know what he said? He said, ‘Sorry for what happened earlier, I almost killed you.’” 

I could feel the anger I had been holding tight to start to slip away. Seeing Ahsoka’s tearful defense of the clones broke something in me. But instead of sadness, it was just a numbing emptiness. Like so much of what I felt. “I’m sorry, Ahsoka.”

The rest of the climb down was passed in silence. 

—

We found ourselves standing outside my escape vehicle. “Well this is certainly an…interesting ship.” Ahsoka was trying to be kind to the piece of junk. “Do you know the previous owner?” 

“No, I picked the worst-looking small ship in the spaceport.” It featured a plethora of corrosion spots and plenty of dents. Most of the dents were on the outrigger engine pods, which hung a little too close to the ground. The under-slung cargo fasteners looked like they’d been replaced half a dozen times. The rear viewport had a splash of carbon scoring, with a nasty blaster cannon shot sitting in the reinforcement next to it. “But, it’s been growing on me.”

“Ships tend to do that,” said Ahsoka as I opened the rear-facing landing ramp that led into the interior. We passed the small bunks and galley as we climbed up the ramp. The retractable ladder for the dorsal docking port was marked with an orange “look out” sign that had been repainted. I had kept the head closed for a reason. The maintenance console sat covered in a thin layer of dust, which Ahsoka began to wipe off. “Does she have a name?”

It took me a second to realize she was asking about the ship. “Uh, not yet. I haven’t exactly had time to think.” In reality, I had never truly had something like this that was mine besides my lightsaber. So many names started bouncing around my head. “Do you have any ways to pick? Or how to know it’s right?”

She smiled at me, as if knowing something I didn’t. “You can always go with a name that honors something or someone in your life. Or maybe something you want to aspire to. Honestly, names that sound cool are also great.”

The “someone in your life” gave me the answer. “She’s the Kastolar Skull,” I declared, in honor of Master Billaba and the Mandalorians who protected us. 

“Perfect,” she said, rifling thru several drawers before finding a tool I had never seen before. “So Jarrus, want to learn how to rewire a ship’s transponder?”

—

After a few lessons on ship maintenance (and one on comlink reprogramming), Ahsoka and I ate a small dinner. She had picked up some spring vegetables from a food stall and bottles of a Karlini beverage from another. We sat next to each other on the floor of the ship, legs dangling down into the vacancy left by the landing ramp. Much closer than I was used to; Master Billaba and the clones alike kept a professional distance between them and me. But Ahsoka sat right up against me, a physical touch I found myself enjoying after being isolated for days. 

“Hey, uh, Ahsoka? Thanks for everything today.” 

“Of course, I wasn’t going to let you die.”

“No, you did more than that.” I struggled to find words for what I was feeling. “You helped me live.”

She put her arm around my shoulder. “That’s the whole thing, Jarrus. Just keep on living.”

I took some time to finish my bowl; by the end, the lack of sleep caught up to me. “I think I’m gonna try to get some rest.”

“If you leave the ramp unlocked, I’ll be outside if you need me.”

We both jumped down to get off the ledge. I was given a surprise hug before she was already down the ramp and outside. I stood there, dazed, before deciding to raise the entrance and climb into bed. 

It was the best night’s sleep I had in the past three months. 

—

“So, what do you think, commander?” Her best friend sat next to Ahsoka as they sat on the dirt with their backs against the ship. The Chommell sector stars hung above them. 

“I don’t know, Rex. They’re really shaken up from what happened.” 

“Like you were. Like I was.”

“We had each other. Jarrus was alone, and they had to run from Depa dying. I can’t imagine what would happen if I had to watch Anakin…” The silence that followed was cut into only by a passing train.

“General Billaba’s padawan, huh? They’re a 119?” 

“I’m not even sure if they know yet. But all the hints are there, I want to make sure they live long enough to realize it. And, you know, encourage them.”

Rex’s lips curled into a smile, “You like them, don’t you?”

“it’s…not like that,” replied Ahsoka, bashfully. “I just…wanna be there for them.”

“Uh-huh. Sure, Commander.” Rex changed the subject, “Do you still want a ride to Naboo?” He gestured up to a moderately bright star, just to the left of the small, brilliant Kaliida Nebula. 

“No, I think I’ll ride with Jarrus there. I know you can handle yourself. Take care of R7 until we see each other again.”

“Any other orders, Commander?”

“Rex,”—she turned to look him in the eye—“you don’t have to follow orders anymore. Not from the Empire, not from me. You’re a free man.” They stared into each other’s eyes, brown and blue, looking for answers. After a moment, she returned to stargazing. “But I do want a favor.”

He tried making out the string of stars along the Enarc Run. “For you? Anything” 

“Find your brothers that want to be helped. I know there’s still good in them.”

“Not really a favor if I was already planning on doing it. Already planning on visiting a brother on Saleucami.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” 

The two leaned against each other, not as soldiers taking respite, but as old friends relaxing and enjoying their last night together. 

Notes:

The last section is an omniscient perspective, Jarrus was not present to hear it. Just wanted to give y’all a little taste of Ahsoka’s feelings on this. Also, she’ll be figuring out a new name (Hannah Jarrus) and pronouns soon Yes I am a fan of the Queen’s trilogy, how could you tell? And “119” is just clone slang for a trans person (in this fic).

@sapphicahsokatanoweek

[gffa]

going off of the last ask about Anakin’s portrayal in TCW… could you expand more on your take on the Mortis arc? that’s always been an arc i’m conflicted about bc i love the Force visions and the little friendship between Obi-Wan and the Sister and how it does challenge Anakin, BUT i always saw it as kinda taking the stance that “balance in the Force” means there must be both light and dark, which i always thought weird considering Mortis did occur during a Lucas-involved season… so i’m curious about how you interpret everything that’s said and done during that arc. do you see it as like what Yoda goes through in season 6, or like Luke on Dagobah? thanks!! (and sorry if this doesn’t make much sense)

I can't say with 100% certainty that I'm right, but I really like the lens I view the Mortis arc through: That it was a reflection of the Force trying to play out the conflict within Anakin to get him to face himself. I go into further detail in this post, but the heart of it is centered on how the Force works, the way we see so many examples of Force-strong places playing out visions to young Jedi who need to face something. That's the whole point of taking younglings to Ilum, so they can face the issues that are in their heart, they can acknowledge and overcome the darkness inside them. It's the whole point of the Jedi Temple scenes on Lothal, where Ezra has to ask a lot of pointed questions about himself and his motivations, Kanan has to face his fear of being a bad teacher, even Ahsoka is smacked in the face with her fears and guilt about her part in the rise of Darth Vader. Hell, all the way back to the cave on Dagobah, where the Force throws a vision of Luke in Vader's helmet at him, trying to get him to confront his fears and anger and recklessness, showing him that this is what he's afraid of becoming. Then you have Mortis. A planet that's impossible, it is the Force, as Obi-Wan says. And it's showing Anakin a vision of his future, it's playing out both sides of him--the Son is his darker impulses, the daughter is his lighter impulses, she even says the Son is feeding off Anakin being there. The Father explains their existence as, “We can take many forms. The shapes we embody are merely a reflection of the life force around us.” The big confrontation is the Father saying, "It is time to face your guilt and know the truth. You must release the guilt and free yourself by choosing." This is Anakin's Force vision quest, he's just in denial about what it is. Even Qui-Gon comes to him and Anakin asks, does he leave the planet? Stay to kill the Son? And Qui-Gon says, "Neither." and directs him to the dark side-laden place where he'll see his future, the decisions he'll choose in the future. Qui-Gon says he "must face his demons and save the universe". "Know yourself!" the Son cries at him, "Know what you will become!" “A great weight has been placed on Anakin’s shoulders, for it is now that he must face who he really is,” says the opening narration. "Remember your training," Qui-Gon advises. The planet is the Force and the Force is doing what it does with every Jedi ever--it's showing them what's in their heart in an attempt to get them to let it go. Mortis is a unique place, so the level of vision here is stronger than you would get on Ilum or Dagobah or Lothal, but the themes and motivation behind it at the same--playing out the things that are going on inside Anakin Skywalker, trying to make him face his guilt and fear, so that he can let them go, because that's how the Force works. You need to let that shit go because your connection to the Force is your emotions, they're the same thing. And that's what the Jedi teach, you have to acknowledge that stuff and work through it, which is why Anakin needs to remember his training.

[amaraudermind]

Yeah I'm on my Ezra bs again

I just. If the Jedi order had existed they all would've been sooo confused by this kid, he's just so naturally in tune with the force in so many ways and it's unreal, like.

It makes sense that no one knows/realizes it in canon where he is but also.i am losing my mind just wanting to be acknowledged that!!! He!! Is so OP!!

The Anakin parallels for his character can be tracked directly through the way they are both so incredibly powerful but for Anakin everyone knew that it was a given that he was this powerful guy and for Ezra it's just never discussed.

I mean Kanan wouldn't necessarily know the difference, both because it's been so long since he's been around other Jedi and because his experience is so limited, it makes sense that he doesn't really get just how big a deal it is. And then every other Jedi who meets Ezra doesn't meet him until he's been training for some time which inherently makes a difference in the perception of his abilities.

But like. The easiest tell in the show for how powerful and important Ezra is comes from those who wield the dark side. The grand inquisitor is initially planning to destroy master and Padawan both obviously that's his job. But he interacts with Ezra ONCE and then follows with trying to make Ezra join him. Not once. But Every Time They Battle.

The next inquisitors similarly want to take Ezra with them rather than kill him. And obviously we see how much Maul sees in him.

Even the Emperor sees more value in Ezra alive than destroyed. Ezra has endlessly caused more problems than most of the other rebels combined in some ways and yet every single dark side user would rather keep trying to convince him to join them than get it over with and take him out of the equation.

With the exception of Vader but I have much less coherent thoughts on that so I'll save that for later

But like. Hhhhh. Ezra's connection to the force consumes my brain. I don't know man.

[metataxy]

Rebels S2 Finale Drabble

Canon divergence I want:

What if, instead of blinding Kanan in an attempt to get Ahsoka and him out of the way, Maul just decided that powerful Force Users who also had it in for Palpatine were a bit scarce these days, and he probably shouldn't throw away the extra help?

----------------------------------------------

"Where's Ezra," Kanan seethed.

Maul bared his teeth in a grin. "Our apprentice is currently activating the battlestation."

"Our apprentice?" the Knight sputtered. Maul ignored him, flicking his eyes to Ahsoka.

"Surely, Lady Tano, you Rebels could find a use for a Battle Station of this size? The technology is a little outdated, to be sure, but it's not as though they have so many other options."

Lady Tano's lips curled. "As though you wouldn't just stab us in the back the moment it became convenient."

Maul smiled at her. "Lady Tano, at what point would it be convenient now for me to stab you in the back?" Tano paused. Apparently the years had taught them both the benefit of reflection. "Our goals are one and the same."

"And what goals are those?" the Togruta Knight demanded, looking as though she'd cross her arms, if it wouldn't slow down her draw on her saber.

"Why, to kill our former Masters, of course." Maul consciously relaxed his posture. "After all, we've hardly been successful in dispatching Palpatine and Vader alone."

Jarrus' eyes darted sideways at Ahsoka. Maul itched to use the Knight's distraction to take him out. It would be so much easier to mold Ezra without Jedi interference--but no. Jarrus had proven his usefulness against the Inquisitors, and even if his Jedi precepts held the man back now from his full potential, he'd seen man's fighting style. When pressed, his Soresu flowed abruptly into Juyo strikes and back again. Their brief conversations proved him easy to rile, fast to anger, impatient.

He could work with this.

"Asides," Maul said, opening himself to the Force, so they could feel his honesty. "I find I have... struggled... with managing the needs and expectations of my forces in the past."

"You mean you treated everyone as disposable and they mutinied to save their own lives."

"Reductive, but yes. A collaboration would benefit us both. You cannot deny my expertise in war or my knowledge of our foe, Lady Tano. You would gain the resources of this battlestation, the Black Sun, and," his eyes flicked to Jarrus, "a much needed sparring partner."

"No," Jarrus said as the battlestation continued to rise around them. The man's eyes flicked back to Ahsoka, who looked pensive. "It's a no. Right, Ahsoka?"

She clicked her tongue against her teeth, hesitating.

"Right, Ahsoka?"

"Kanan! What's happening--" Ezra all but tumbled down the stairs towards them.

"He's a cutthroat who will kill you in your sleep the moment it serves him, but for now, he's got a point," Ahsoka decided. Kanan gaped at her. Another jolt went through the battle station, and they all fought to keep their footing, Ezra all but bowling Kanan over as he ran to him. "What's happening?"

"We'll discuss this later," Ahsoka told them definitively. "For now, we have to get this battlestation out of the Emperor's hands."

"Battlestation?" echoed Ezra incredulously, glancing wide-eyed at Maul.

Maul smiled. "Indeed, young apprentice," he said, cherishing the surge of irritation his words triggered in Jarrus. "Let me show you all to the control room."

And the Jedi followed him.

------------------------------------------

Despite his resolve to play the long game and become the new Emperor and do the galactic domination thing, having realized he needs to cooperate at least some people and acknowledge them as more than tools in order to accomplish his goals results in Maul actually bonding with people. The Jedi manage to talk him out of his worst impulses. He still pulls shit that makes some of them refuse to talk with him for months on end (eg. sacrificing less important Rebel groups as bait in order to take out larger Imperial forces, using hostages to ensure compliance of Imperial officials, endangering civilian lives by compromising Imperial supply lines, etc.) but veterans like Saw Guerrera and Airen Cracken end up respecting his effectiveness.

As for the Jedi themselves, under Maul's influence they end up developing a new Force tradition, something both Jedi and Sith and neither. To Kanan's initial displeasure, he finds himself leaning far more dark than Ezra grows to become. They all have another run-in with Leia, Maul recognizes her as Sensitive and trains her, while Ahsoka figures out she's Anakin's daughter. When Vader tries to murder everyone on board the Tantine, Sith Leia is there to stop him.

And Kenobi never has the opportunity to do suicide by Sith because Maul is just like, fuck no, let's admit we've just been into each other all this time and deal with that in a less murdery way--and they make geriatric cybernetic love and weird everyone the fuck out.

The end :P

[abucketofweird]

Okay quick thoughts while I’m still emotionally charged:

I REALLY ENJOYED THE EPISODE!!!

The good:

-HERA IS STILL BEING SUCH A MOTHER FIGURE TO EZRA AND I CANT HANDLE HER RASING JACEN AND BEING REMINDED OF THE STUPID SHIT HER OTHER BOY GOT INTO

- JACEN JACEN JACEN JACE HE HAS GREEN HAIR AND LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE KANAN I CANT HANDLE IT

- MY OBSESSION WITH THE DISASTER LINEAGE HAS BEEN SO STRONG RECENTLY AND HUYANG JUST FULLY CANONIZED THE CHAOS

-SPACE WHALES SPACE WHALES SPACE WHALES

-I’m actually really happy with how they incorporated the force into Sabine’s narrative, and Ashoka’s too. Not only does it give recognition to Chirrut and other space religions that have been shown.

-I feel like Ahsoka has been given a good staring point as a character for an arc. She watched the order collapse and she was turned on by it. Yes she reconciled with it but she’s acknowledging that another type of force exists outside of the Jedi and sith. Her little teaching moments and conversations with Huyang seem to have a lot of potential for her character (which I was so worried abt)

-speaking of Ahsoka as a character I’m glad we are getting to see the ‘snips’ in her a little more. She’s funny and that has always been something I’ve loved about her. Rosario isn’t my favorite Ahsoka by any means but I think she’s in there.

The not so good:

- okay the chances to mention Kanan were off the charts here. (A whole blind fighting scene, Hera arguing about how horrible Thrawn is and saying something along the lines of “he killed people I loved” , and Jacen full on asking to be a Jedi)

It could have been a simple “kanan might have been blind when he showed me these moves but I’m not him” quip.

Or a “he was able to kill a Jedi, Jacen’s father.”

I honestly think it’s crazy to think that Hera didn’t tell Jacen about his father. Maybe she could have hid he was a Jedi. But that boy has to be force sensitive.

-Ashoka’s contacts were absolutely terrifying. That flight chase scene was mostly me watching her eyes just look creepy as hell. I think Hera’s weren’t great but Ashoka’s distracted me out on a new level here.

Overall thoughts:

I think it was a very strong episode! The music cues were stunning. The pacing gave the audience a minute to really sit with the scenes and dialogue (which is something I’ve had trouble with in many shows) I will say the flight chase fighting scene felt a little long when they got to the Purgill (but that part of SW has always been at the bottom of my interests so that could just be me)

I got a lot of the little things I wanted and the narrative points I was worried about are starting to feel decently okay.

[heyclickadee]

Tech's Alive, Part Four: Placement and Structural Purpose (okay, so this is waaaaaay more rambly and nonsensical than I thought it would be, but, here ya go)

So, the placement of Tech's fall in “Plan 99”is...weird. It happens around 6:30 into the episode, and given that the logos and title card take about forty seconds to get through, that means it happens less than six minutes into the action. And it would be one thing if the rest of the episode was dedicated to the other characters processing their grief or dealing with the aftermath, sort of like if Kanan had died in the first few minutes of "Dume" instead of the last few of "Jedi Knight" and then the rest of "Dume" proceeded exactly the same, but that's so completely not what happens.

Do we get small moments of everyone grieving? Sure, we get those shots of Wrecker looking broken(1) and wiping away tears, Hunter's face when he tells Omega the news and again when he picks up the goggles, Omega's disbelief, and Echo sitting by himself in the marauder looking at that empty pilot's seat(2), but these are all just snapshots. The episode acknowledges their grief, but doesn't allow them to process it, because "Plan 99" is packed and they don't have time. Not thirty seconds after Tech falls, the train crashes, Omega almost dies, the gang goes back to Ord Mantell, Omega's thankfully okay, Hunter and Wrecker , Cid rats them out, Hemlock shows up, Omega gets captured, the marauder's practically empty now and Hunter's out for blood, Omega's reuinited with Crosshair, who's still unconscious on a slab, Emerie's Omega's "sister," cats and dogs are living together, mass hysteria—

It's. A lot.

And that's, again, weird. That's not typically how main (or main secondary, I sort of consider the bad batchers all mains) character deaths in genre fiction work.

See, typically, unless the whole story is about the mystery of why a character may have died, a main character deaths happen towards the end of an episode or chapter, and they usually function as either a conclusion or emotional climax to whatever story they're in. Take, for example, Fives's death. Fives dies at the conclusion of a multi-episode narrative arc, and his death functions as both the conclusion and emotional climax of that arc. Or Thorin’s death towards the end of The Hobbit. Or Richardson's implied imminent death at the end of "Underbridge." Main character deaths are exclamation points, or full stops at the very least, before things continue.

Tech's “death” doesn't work like that.

Despite following up on some ealier foreshadowing leading up to the team having to adapt to things without Tech, and despite following up on the repeated thread of Tech loving his family so much he'll sacrifice himself for them at the drop of a hat(3), Tech's “death” concludes nothing. Not in the episode, and certainly not in the overarching story. Far from being a natural ending to either his own character arc or a larger narrative thread, Tech falling figuratively and literally throws everything off the rails. The whole thing the narrative was driving towards—the reunion of the clone force 99 family and these clones being able to choose a purpose besides the “fighting and dying and being lab experiments” they were manufactured with—breaks down. It happens early and then the episode keeps driving and just doesn't stop.

In fact, not only is Tech's fall NOT the only dramatic thing to happen in the episode, it's not even the emotional climax of the episode. Omega getting taken by Hemlock is. Even the soundtrack suggests this. The theme which plays during Tech's sacrifice is the same theme that plays when Omega is taken, and that theme has even more tension and drama in it when played that second time. Her getting taken, and that moment of Hunter running out to the edge of the platform only to have to helplessly watch as Hemlock's ship looms out of reach and take his daughter away—that's the emotional climax(4).

Furthermore, Tech's "death" isn't a rallying cry for the team to rally and get revenge like main character deaths in genre fiction typically are. Instead, it's one loss too many. It's the thing that makes Hunter and Wrecker want to take Omega back to Pabu and just never leave again, because they can't take risking anything else like losing Tech. It's the thing that makes them want to throw in the towel for good.  

So, if Tech, who's one of the six main characters of this series and was more or less the lead along with Omega this season, had a death scene, and his death scene doesn't serve as a conclusion to either his or any other arc, if it isn't the emotional climax of the episode, and if it isn't a rallying cry the team can get behind, then what purpose does it serve in the structure of the episode? To be completely honest, the closest thing that I could come up with is that it's either the catalyst or the inciting incident, because Tech falling is the thing that makes everything else in the episode happen.

At the start of the episode, the train car is stalled and without power. Tech restores power to the car, but it’s being pulled away from the track and still can’t move. Tech cutting the connection and allowing himself to fall is what allows the train to start moving again—but it's moving too fast. It derails and crashes through the barrier on the other side. And the train crashing is how Omega gets hurt, Omega getting hurt is what necessitates them having to go back to Ord Mantell, going back to Ord Mantell is what allows Cid to rat them out, Cid ratting them out is what gets Hemlock to show up and take Wrecker and Hunter prisoner, Wrecker and Hunter being taken prisoner (and Omega being griefstricken about losing Tech) is what causes Omega to disobey orders and go back for Wrecker and Hunter instead of leaving with Echo, which is what leads to Omega getting captured, which leaves Hunter, Wrecker, and Echo doubly bereft by the end of the episode. What I'm saying is, the train is an intentional stand-in for the narrative here, and Tech falling is what allows it to move forward, but in such a way that everything it was building towards is completely broken derailed.

And, again, this is weird, especially if this is supposed to be a genuine character death, because it’s not about the death—it’s about what Tech letting himself fall puts into motion. And so little of the focus of the episode is on the “death” itself, because there's so little time in the episode, and what little there is is less on Tech dying (because sure as hell don’t see it happen) and more on the other characters grieving or being manipulated by it in the very little time that they're allowed because, again, things are moving too fast and they're not allowed to really stop and process anything.

Now, there is actually a main character death in The Clone Wars that works pretty much the same way, and which is actually similarly placed towards the beginning of an episode, and that's the "death" of Obi Wan Kenobi in "Deception." Granted, we know that Obi Wan's fine, because it's Obi Wan and he has to show up in A New Hope or at least Revenge of the Sith (though it's possible some of the kids who had never seen either movie didn't know that), and even if we didn't know that, we find out it's a fake out almost right away because we continue following Obi Wan's perspective in a way we don't continue to follow Tech's. Tech falls into the mist and then we're back with Omega and the rest on the train and hurtling towards a broken future. But Obi Wan's fake death does function in a similar sort of "get things moving/flips the domino to get other things happening" sort of way.

Now all this, despite the closest structural parallel I could find in star wars being a fake-out death, isn't proof that Tech falling is a fake out. But it is worth noting that the supposed "death" here isn't placed like a normal main character death and doesn't serve anything close to the same purpose a main character death typically does. And that is probably why, as @cross-my-heartt pointed out in this excellent post, it doesn't really read as a character death to anyone who isn't either heavily invested in the story or the character (hello there) or who isn't an edgelordy dudebro who thinks it has to stick so that there are "stakes" (get off my lawn). And while I don't think The Bad Batch is a perfectly written show, I do think that it is very well written overall, and written thoughtfully and deliberately, at the least. What's happening here is very much on purpose. It’s just a question of what that purpose is.

(1) Jennifer, ma’am, I don't know what I have to do to make sure I never have to see Wrecker's face crumpled in despair like that ever again, but I'll do it. Let him be happy.

(2) *sobbing*

(3) I have so much to say about the foreshadowing and how it points to Tech’s absence and selflessness but absolutely not to his death I am gnawing on the foreshadowing here

(4) And this might have to be one point where I have to admit that the writers did err, just a little. Not necessarily in the writing, pacing, or in the placement of Tech's fall, because if this really is a fakeout, then all of that was brilliantly done. The episode doesn’t feel rushed to me the second time around, because I know what happens and I can breath. Less so the third. But I think they may have slightly underestimated just how attached some of us are to this particular character. I mean...okay, I get the impression that the people working on this show love every one of these characters as much as we do. I really do. Are they going to put these characters through hell? Well, yeah, because otherwise we wouldn't have a story, but I get the genuine impression that they really love these characters. But working with characters in a story is about three-quarters knowing and loving (or hating) the characters and having them bounce around and do their thing as though they are real people who live somewhere outside of your head, and one-quarter having to maintain enough of a level head about them that you can use them as tools to tell your story. And that last quarter can add a little bit of...not emotional distance, but something like emotional distance, especially if you, the writer, know that the character is going to be okay in the end no matter what it is you're putting them through in the moment. You, as a storyteller, have an assurance that your audience doesn't. Because when I saw Tech fall the first time, my whole heart shut off and I couldn’t access my emotions for about three days. It wasn’t until I watched it the second time that I realized that it wasn’t the emotional climax of the episode.

[independence1776]

19 Questions Meme

Supposed to be 20 questions, but one seems to have vanished along the way. Thank you to @spiced-wine-fic for tagging me.

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 120, though some of those are moodboards instead of fic.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 492,336 words. I'm not prolific.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Star Wars, in the Kanan comics niche of the Rebels subfandom but I also work in rather a lot of Prequels-related material and I love the JFO/Survivor era. I also wrote a lot in the Tolkien fandom, Silmarillion side, but I'm only dipping my toes into the fandom at the moment and I'm not sure I'll return in depth.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? 

I am not the world's biggest fan of sorting by kudos; kudos doesn't mean best, it simply means popular. And often in the case of AO3, it means "in a popular fandom" so it skews results. There are plenty of fantastic fics that don't have a lot of kudos. And just because they're in the top-5 doesn't mean the author thinks they're their best works.

I'll step off my soapbox now. In order from most to least: To Remake the Universe (MCU), In Deep or In Darkness (MCU-Young Wizards crossover), Never Discussed But Silently Acknowledged (Star Wars), An Unexpected Welcome (Tolkien), Evolving Roles (Star Wars).

5. Do you respond to comments? Always. On one level, it's simply polite to say "thank you" to compliments. On an entirely different level, commenting on fics was how I found fandom friends, especially in my early years in fandom.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? The one where I killed (BBC) Merlin.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? *shrugs* I mostly write happy endings. Readers' choice of which is the happiest. 

8. Do you get hate on fics? A few times. I'm generally able to laugh about it now. There are a couple of hate comments I find truly hilarious.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Love 'em. I write a lot of Star Wars-Tolkien crossovers. I have no idea which one people would think is the most out there.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes. The two I know of are on AO3 but there have been a handful of others over the years that people asked if they could translate and I have no idea if they ever were, where they were posted, or (at this end of time) even what stories they were.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? A fic, no, but for a bit, I co-wrote a short-lived series.

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? Elrond/Celebrían for Tolkien. For Star Wars, Han/Leia and Padme/Anakin. Favorite noncanon Star Wars is Owen/Beru/Obi-Wan.

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? ...So I posted a WIP a couple of weeks ago. It is the only WIP I've posted because my policy is to only post completed fics. I'd hoped that I'd get some encouragement to write more but I'm honestly not sure anyone realized it was a WIP because I didn't get encouragement to continue or a single "looking forward to more!" type of comment. I lost the little bit of enthusiasm I had because I'd been stalled on the fic for a while (I began writing it in fall 2020!) and it really feels like I could walk away from it and no one would care.

15. What are your writing strengths? I am sadly the type of writer who has a hard time seeing her strengths.

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Description is my go-too weakness. You can probably add writing romance to this.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I prefer not to except for dramatic effect. I'm, for better or worse, monolingual. And I refuse to learn conlangs just to read a fic. If there's too much dialogue in a conlang, I'll hit the back button.

18. First fandom you wrote for? Mutant X.

19. Favourite fic you’ve written? I don't have an answer for that. Or at least a permanent one; there's a handful of fics that rotate through that position depending on mood, time of day, opinion toward the fandom, etc.

[thevibraniumveterans]

REBELS REWATCH

S1E9 — GATHERING FORCES

The episode is a continuation of S1E8 “Empire Day”. It opens with a dogfight, because of course it does. Hera commands Sabine to man the nose guns, as Sabine herself had stated earlier. However, she hesitates, not knowing whether to deal with Tseebo’s revelation or to be in the weapons bay as required. She is conflicted between needing to help fire upon the enemy and wanting to be a grounding presence for Ezra. Needlessly, he asks, “Didn’t you hear Hera?” He knows his needs are not important right this very moment, choosing instead to tell Sabine to prioritize the battle in the skies over his own feelings. Sabine however, asks in return, “Didn’t you hear Tseebo? He said he knows what happened to your parents.” Ezra doesn’t need further comfort, or at least so he thinks. He tells Sabine, “I already know what happened. They’re dead. So go!” Sabine lingers for a few seconds more, still feeling torn. A blast rocks the ship, so she turns and heads to the nose guns as ordered. Ezra watches her walk away, and turns to Tseebo. Shaking him by the shoulders, he demands, “Are they? Are my parents dead?” Tseebo warns, “The Bridgers should hide. The troopers came. They took Mira and Ephraim Bridger away.” Desperate for information, Ezra’s voice grows louder, “Where? Where did they take them?” Tseebo says, “Forgive Tseebo. Forgive him.” Incredulous, Ezra says, “Forgive you?!” Tseebo says, “Tseebo failed.” Ezra shakes his head in disbelief. His friend says, “Tseebo was afraid. Tseebo could not raise Ezra Bridger.” Betrayed and devastated, Ezra shouts, “Coward! You could have stopped them! Why didn’t you stop them?” Hera calls through the comms, “Shields down! Ezra, I need you in the cockpit!” The teenager acknowledges the order, but turns back to Tseebo, voice full of hurt and betrayal. “Forgive you? My parents trusted you and you failed them and you failed me. I’ll never forgive you for that.”

Ezra makes his way to the cockpit and helps Hera with some rewiring.

Tseebo helps to calculate the jump to light speed, which brings the Ghost safely out of harm’s way. Hera thanks Tseebo for it. “I think you saved our lives,” says Hera. Ezra, however still hurt from the revelation earlier, brushes past, dismissively stating, “Yeah, I guess there’s a first time for everything.”

The crew gather in the Ghost’s common space, and Sabine and Hera attempt to bring Chopper back online. Ezra, however, sits sulking at the holochess table. Sabine looks up at Ezra, a quizzical look on her face. He sits idle, lost in his own thoughts, his emotions swirling in an angry current.

Ezra looks up at Kanan and asks, “So? Now what do we do with him?” Kanan tells him that he should be the one who can offer up ideas, given his history with Tseebo. Ezra, wanting to avoid talking about his hurt feelings, picks up one of his stolen (and painted) helmets, puts it on, and says, “Don’t know. Don’t much care.” Kanan offers advice to Ezra, saying that he’ll “never advance as a Jedi if you can’t be honest with yourself, at least.” (This statement is interesting given how years into the future, Sabine would become a Jedi under Asoka’s tutelage, but that she fully opened herself to the Force because she was honest with herself (perhaps about why she was faltering in her initial training), honest about her feelings (regarding Ezra, her long-lost significant other), willing to admit to herself what kinds of feelings she had been bottling up for way too long (e.g., her parents’ eventual demise, not being able to move past her grief of losing her family and also Ezra, not to mention the closeness of the Spectres, among other things). By finally opening up snd being honest to herself about so many things, she opened herself to the Force and it flowed through her like water our of a broken dam.) Frustrated, Ezra asks, “What’s that supposed to mean?” He stands up, ready to walk off. Kanan grabs Ezra’s helmet, removing it from the teenager’s head, and says, “It means Tseebo matters to you.” Ezra turns around. Kanan continues, “You do care what happens to him.” Ezra, still hurt from earlier and refusing to acknowledge his pain, responds with, “Why should I? He did nothing to save my parents.” Kanan notes that it would have been impossible for one individual with as Tseebo to have done anything against “the entire Empire.” Sabine contributes her thoughts: “And besides, look at what he’s done since. The Imperials encourage these implants but they’re not mandatory.” (That’s something Sabine would actually know, given her past history as an Imperial cadet at the Academy.) She continues, “Not yet. He must have volunteered.” Ezra isn’t convinced, and crossed his arms. Sabine notes, “And then he uploaded their secrets and ran. Maybe he’s trying to make up for letting you down. Why else would he take on the Empire alone?” A few mutterings by Tseebo later, Sabine translates, “he said the Empire can track the Ghost.”

Chopper scans the Ghost, finds the tracker attached to it, and shows the Spectres where it is. Sabine realizes that the Ghost is indeed being followed. Hera notes that the tracker is on the Phantom, and makes plans to drop the Phantom. Sabine disagrees, so Kanan suggests passing by an asteroid field close to a base where Sabien and Hera were last episode. At the mere mention, Sabine says, “You mean the base with the nasties who live in the shadows?” Clearly remembering her ordeal there, she does not want to revisit that place. Ezra, standing by a doorway, agrees with the sentiment: “Wait, what? Why would we want to go down there?” (Fair enough, he was accosted by a fyrnock on that base. 10/10 do not recommend.)

Kanan says it’s not just the tracker they should be worried about, as they are being pursued by an Inquisitor. “As long as Ezra and I are on board the Ghost, we’re jeopardizing Tseebo’s escape.”

Ezra does not like this suggestion: “So, I gotta leave the Ghost and go to this nasty-filled asteroid as a favor to Tseebo?” Kanan sys, “As a favor to all of us. And don’t worry. I’ll be right beside you.” Defeated, Ezra sighs,

Cut to perhaps several minutes later, and Ezra is standing by the galley, across the room from Tseebo. He is still upset. The door swooshes open, and Sabine walks in. Carefully choosing her words, Sabine asks, “So, your parents…do you really believe they’re dead?” Ezra looks away from Sabine, and curtly replies, “Yes.” It’s not a subject he likes to bring up, but the day has not gone well for him in the slightest. He is still unsure of what he is, or should be, feeling, if he’s being honest. He continues, “No. I-I don’t know. Does it matter?” Sabine offers a rebuttal. “Yeah, of course it matters. You have to talk to Tseebo before we go.” Ezra tells her that’s he’s tried to do so. Sabine doesn’t take no for an answer: “Okay, so try harder! Once Hera takes him away, you may never see Tseebo again.” Ezra begins to walk away, and comments offhandedly, “Maybe that’s for the best.” Sabine is taken aback, clearly not expecting this response. “Wha—How can you say that?” Ezra is exasperated, but understanding that Sabine should never be on the receiving end of his frustration, sighs and takes a moment to calm down. He says. “Sabine. I’ve been on my own since I was seven, okay? If I’d let myself believe my folks were alive—” Sabine watches him, concern written on her face. “—if I let myself believe they’d come back and save me, I’d never have learned how to survive.” The door opens behind him, startling Ezra a bit. Kanan asks if he’s ready for the task at hand. Ezra turns back around and looks at Sabine, who gestures with her head to go on this mission. He takes her unspoken advice, knowing that any further explanation and delay would only result in a postponed reckoning with his own guilt. Ezra follows Kanan away. Sabine looks up at Tseebo, then down to the empty space around her. She feels sorry for Ezra, she thinks. He was so young, too young to have ended up on the streets as nothing more than a mere child, whereas at that same age, she was trying to make her family proud of her. At that age, she had a family, but he had lost his.

Ezra and Kanan make their way to the Phantom, and detach it from the Ghost. They drop out of hyperspace and make their way to the asteroid base, an Imperial Star Destroyer hot o their trail.

Ezra and Kanan are close to touchdown on the asteroid. The teenager, expecting there to be a plan of action, asks, “Should we go over the plan again?” Kanan notes, “I never told you what the plan was.” Ezra says, “Exactly.” Kanan asks, “You remember the nasty creatures Hera and Sabine found here?” Ezra does, but he’d rather forget those creatures. Kanan tells him that he has to connect with those animals (as he’d originally started the day off trying to do) “if we’re gonna survive this.” Worried, Ezra asks, “Is now really the best time for a lesson?” Kanan doesn’t think so, but tells him, “I figure it’s learning like you do best, by surviving.”

Kanan prepares for touchdown. Ezra admits that he doesn’t think he can make those connections. “I’m afraid,” he finally says. Kanan tells him, “I got news for you, kid. Everyone’s afraid, but admitting it as you just did, makes you braver than most and it’s a step forward.” Ezra notes, “Yeah. Into the jaws of a nightmare.” Whether he is referring to the animals he would soon face, or his own internal worries, that’s something only Ezra would find out for himself.

Kanan parks the Phantom in the cave, and heads off to remove the tracking device. He leads Ezra to complete his task. Ezra looks around, nervous.

Hesitant, Ezra steps forward. The place is crawling with fyrnocks, Kanan dislodges the tracking device. The creatures advance on Ezra, who shields his face with his arms. Kanan tells him, “You’re blocked! Let go.” (“Blocked” would be the exact same word that Kanan would use to describe Sabine several years later when during her training with the Darksaber. In that future time period, Sabine is also similarly emotionally blocked, and unwilling to acknowledge extremely deep-seated and long-buried feelings and emotions that she keeps to herself, that she does not allow herself to admit. And it isn’t until a decade after then, that Sabine consciously UNBLOCKS herself from the Force and let it flow through her, the process inadvertently helped by Ezra himself, that Sabine admitted to herself the feelings and emotions she had been harboring for YEARS. Once she allowed herself to experience the truth, to finally say to herself, “This is what I’ve been feeling, this is why I’m feeling them, and I’m not afraid of facing my own truth”.) Ezra says, “I can’t!” Kanan advises, “Don’t be afraid.” As in, to not be afraid of the creatures and to not be afraid to face his own feelings and emotions. Ezra stretches out his hands, and tries to convince himself: “I’m not afraid of them!” Kanan presses on: “Then what?” Ezra doesn’t know, and says so. Kanan disagrees: “What are you afraid of?!” Ezra finally realizes, “I’m afraid of… I’m afraid of knowing. I’m afraid of the truth! I’m sorry!” Ezra is near tears. “I’m sorry. I’m forgive you, Tseebo!” The moment passes, and Ezra falls silent. Kanan watches on as the fyrnocks sit silent before the teenager.

Elsewhere, the Ghost docks with Tantive IV. Sabine asks Hera, “I don’t suppose Zeb and I could get to meet Fulcrum this time?” Hera says, “Nope. This tie, you stay in the cockpit.” Sabine turns around, grasping the disk she swiped on her way out of Ezra’s old home earlier in the day. Her expression turns thoughtful. Elsewhere on the ship, Hera speaks with Tseebo, who has regained his senses and reveals that he knows what happened to Ezra’s parents.

Troopers and the Inquisitor arrive on the asteroid moon where Ezra and Kanan are on. Having connected with the fyrnocks through the Force, Ezra and Kanan are quiet and calm, and commands the creatures to charge. They do so, but are quickly subdued by the troopers and the Inquisitor himself. While Ezra remains knelt on the ground, arm outstretched, Kanan engages the Inquisitor in a duel. Ezra remains calm, collected, and connected, and the fyrnocks comply with his unspoken commands. It isn’t until the Inquisitor knocks Kanan unconscious that Ezra breaks his connection. Ezra grabs Kanan’s saber and points it at the Inquisitor, but it doesn’t do much good. Ezra himself is Force-pushed backwards, and dangles off a ledge. Upset but determined to not let that hinder him, he tells the Inquisitor, “You don’t have anything to teach me.” The Inquisitor taunts him further, and Ezra, becoming increasingly agitated, ends up summoning the fyrnock Alpha by connecting directly to it. Kanan wakes up from his unconscious state, and looks up at Ezra. The teenager is trembling with controlled but barely contained fury, and calls upon the Force like never before, with strength gathered from the deepest recesses of his being. His face, contorted into a deep grimace, sets in grim determination as the Alpha rises behind him. Kanan realizes what’s going on: “Ezra? ..No!” The teenager in question has connected so deeply with the Alpha, much more than he was previously able to with a cat on Lothal. Even the Inquisitor is taken aback and starts retreating. Ezra, however, has his mind dead set on one single task, his fear of the truth no longer present: command the Alpha to charge at the Inquisitor. Ezra is struggling to hold the connection with the Alpha, who screeches and charges forward. Ezra, however, is overwhelmed by the immense and nearly inhuman effort to maintain a connection with the Alpha. He loses his connection, sways, and collapses to the ground, falling unconscious.

Taking advantage of the Alpha’s presence, Kanan grabs his blaster and heads in Ezra’s direction. Upon reaching the teenager, Kanan tries to wake Ezra from his unconscious state. Ezra opens his eyes, and confused, asks, “What happened? I-I feel so cold.” Kanan reassures Ezra that he’s aware of this, and says, “It’s okay. We’re leaving.” Hoisting the weakened teengager onto his shoulder, Kanan takes advantage of the fyrnocks holding back the Inquisitor and the troopers, grabs his saber, and reaches the Phantom. Once inside, he places Ezra in a jump seat, heads to the pilot’s chair, and takes off, blasting an Imperial ship in the process.

Once they’re safe, Kanan puts the Phantom in autopilot and turns around, noticing Ezra curled up into himself, shaking in the cold. Ezra looks up, and hesitantly asks, “…I saved us?” Kanan tells him, “You did.” Ezra admits, “But something doesn’t feel right.” Perhaps this might be part of a lesson learnt earlier, where Ezra gives voice to his concerns so that he can address them right away instead of postponing facing the problem at hand. Kanan says, “If your will isn’t strong enough when you open yourself to the Force, you become vulnerable to the dark side.” Ezra counters with what he knows, “Well, I was trying to protect you.” Kanan replies, “I know. But your anger and fear caused that giant creature to attack.” Ezra says he does not remember the incident, so Kanan tells him, “That’s for the best.” He pauses, then continues, “Your powers are growing so quickly, you weren’t prepared. I didn’t teach you what you needed to know. I’m sorry.”

The Phantom docks with the Ghost, and the Spectres welcome Kanan and Ezra back. Ezra makes his way down the ladder. Still hunched over himself, he slowly makes his way across the common room, but Hera wishes to tell him something. Thinking better of it, Kanan interrupts, saying, “Ezra needs a little time to himself right now.” The teenager in question continues on through the Ghost, footsteps heavy. He makes his way to the gunner’s chair. Crossing his arms, he stares out the window, looking at the many stars beyond, lost in thought. Sabine decides to try to cheer him up. Walking into the gunner’s bay behind Ezra, she states, “Rough couple of days.” Ezra agrees, telling her, “Yeah. It’s been strange.” He doesn’t elaborate nor does he look at her, so Sabine crosses over to the other side of the chair. “I have just what you need,” she tells him, taking out the disk she was holding earlier. “It’s the holo-disk from your old house.” He watches her in silence as she continues, “It was pretty degraded but I cleaned it up. And I found something.” Sabine inserts it into a reader by a side panel, and the gunner’s bay lights up in a fluorescent orange glow, its source a holo-image of the Bridger family — Ephraim and Mira, and baby Ezra. The teenager’s eyes widen in surprise upon seeing the image, calling out to his parents as if they were still there. By his side, Sabine chuckles a bit, then: “Happy birthday, Ezra Bridger.” A gentle smile on her face, she leaves the gunner’s bay. It’s not specifically the disk that’s the present, Sabine’s gift to Ezra was a happy memory on his birthday (Empire Day, lest we forget), the first happy and positive memory he’s had of his parents in years. Ezra’s eyes follow her departure, but the image of his much younger self with his happy parents commands his attention. He blinks a few times and takes a deep breath, as this is the first time in years he’s had a happy memory for his birthday. He raises his hand, as if to reach out to the image.

[fandoomrants]

Ok, time for ep 8 thoughts

Spoilers, obviously.

-So I have some mixed feelings about the very end. I liked it for the most part but there were some things I'm not sure how to feel about and some that made me a bit mad. Still, I laughed, I almost cried, I gasped, I had to pause at times just because I had to take a breath for a moment while watching. It was intense and it could have been much worse (EZRA COULD HAVE DIEEED) And it's definitely setting things for a sequel in some way. I hope there's either another season, or the story gets further BUT PROPERLY developed in movies/shows (maybe an official Rebels season 5? Or some spin off)

-I liked how in the beginning of the episode they addressed some things, it was about damn time. Especially loved how they talked a bit about Kanan, even mentioned his name before the fall of the Jedi Order. Felt it was important moment. He was a very important part of Ezra and also Sabine's lives, even more so than the other Spectres. Not only a mentor and master but family. It really made me happy. And FINALLY they explained what happened between Ahsoka and Sabine. And they explained what happened with Sabine's family, unfortunately. But at least it explained it. I'm still kinda not sure what they told Ezra off screen about Sabine's decision, I somewhat think they must have said what happened or he gathered two and two together more or less but at this point, I'm sort of glad they didn't comment it on-screen and there wasn't some huge drama, with all else that happened, though.

-Also, the scene with Ahsoka and Sabine right after that. I liked it. In fact, I liked all of their interactions this episode. They finally got to talk and show understanding towards one another and also support, mental and physical. And I'm happy that Ahsoka wasn't mad at her because she can now reflect on how important the bond between a master and apprentice is without what happened with Anakin weighting on her. She acknowledged the fact that she's also made mistakes and also how important finding Ezra was for Sabine.

-I also loved so many of the interactions between the three of them and how they worked as a team. But I especially loved all the interactions between Ezra and Sabine (plus Ahsoka's knowing smiles and glances). Already made a whole post about this "I missed you" and how cute it was, but there was so much more. The parallels between Sabine fighting with a lightsaber and Ahsoka telling her to use blasters (which was a nod towards their previous conversation and how a saber doesn't make you a Jedi. I don't think Ahsoka told her to use blasters because she meant she couldn't use the saber well, I think it was connected to the "train your body" part and knowing that Sabine's style of fighting is mixed and she can use other effective ways), and later Ezra calling for Sabine when he was attacked, saying to be careful because he worried that she might shoot him and immediately getting even more worried for a second once she lit up the saber (BEFORE COMPLIMENTING HER SKILLS AND SAYING HOW HIS EXCUSE WAS MISSING HER). And them trying to open the gate together. And doing THE JUMP! I honestly giggled for a second when he almost fell but at this point I was sure he's not going to die that way (the fear came back once he was on the Destroyer). Loved these moments and the trust and love between them (whatever kind of love it is, I can totally see it either as a deep platonic one but also as an eventual hint at something more. But I think in any case they're not there yet). How they got each other's back while fighting. And also "Where is Ezra?" "Going home." I swear if they don't meet again I'll kill someone.

-So, of course Thrawn returned. I don't think anyone had a doubt he would but I can't wait to see what this would mean. I feel like until this moment I somewhat didn't pay that much attention to this cargo he spoke about because I was too focused on other things but now I really want to know what is it and what he and the sisters are going to do (and who's gonna stop them. HOW?) Here I'm not too familiar with ALL Star Wars media so might be missing something but he repeated "For the Empire." a few times and I wonder what this means and if he'll have something to do with the creation of the First Order later, or maybe some other fraction. Is he eventually gonna have a link to the Emperor's return?

-Also, these troopers were zombies, huh? Or became zombies anyway. I feel like their movements before being brought back weren't so... well, zombie-like. Also, Ezra said it hasn't happened before. Which reminds me, he did mention Thrawn and how he brought back the Night Sisters (how??) but we still don't know too much about what he himself did during these ten years. Except making friends and mastering the Force.

-I was somewhat so relieved that Sabine got her helmet back. I don't worry about other characters going around without head protection but idk why I somewhat feel uneasy watching a Mandalorian without their helmet in a battle. Like, idk, as if they're in more danger without it (There was a moment when a trooper shot her helmet! If it wasn't there, she'd be dead!). But it just made me think about how somehow her helmet seems to be going off too easily? We saw it falling/being taken off on a couple of occasions this season and I thought these helmets have some way to get attached to the head or something. I don't think we've seen another Mandalorian's helmet coming off so easily. Definitely not Din's. But also not Bo-Katan's (maybe that's why she's always wearing her head piece, it has some mechanism like a magnet or sth, lol) or really anyone else's. Idk, found this a bit weird (and dangerous).

-I feel like in this last episode there were some weird things that were opposite what's been going on in some of the other episodes. The most obvious one was Ezra refusing to take the saber last episode but making a new one. Could pass as preferring to let Sabine have it because she's been training and so she'd have more weapons to compensate not being a Force user (thought she had blasters), or him really meaning it's hers now because he gave it to her. But we've seen characters using someone else's saber before, plus he didn't exactly give it to her for using as he didn't know she had trained with Ahsoka. And this line about the Force being his ally. Idk, good for him to have a new saber (somewhat the same logic like the Mandalorians and their helmets, I know I'm weird) but they made it somewhat of a big deal that he wields the Force much better now and doesn't need a weapon to fight. The only logical explanation I can find is that sabers are somewhat attuned to their wielders and we know Sabine made corrections on his so it's really hers now and he needs his own.

-And another thing that made little sense is Sabine suddenly being able to use the Force. I like the idea of the Force being all around and eventually everyone being able to connect with it but the whole season she was showed as am extremely non-Force sensitive person and now it suddenly connected with it? Idk, I liked the occasions on which she used it but I think it should have happened slower. Either her managing to move something but slightly or sth, or having her show some small abilities during the rest of the season. Or if she started using it suddenly, it happening during some really critical situation (Yes, yes, I know she got her saber while literally fighting for her life but it could have been more intense. Maybe Ezra trying to do the jump himself but failing or when she returned to help Ahsoka. Idk).

-I honestly had forgotten about Baylan and Shin until like, the middle of the episode or sth. And then I was almost sure we wouldn't get to see more of them this season until the end. I still want to know what's going to happen and I believe they have something big planned for them too, with the last moments of them that they showed. We still have no clue what he's trying to do and I was honestly confused by Shin and her saber in the end. Is she gonna fight? Or join these guys? I wonder what they'll do now with the unfortunate and untimely passing of the actor playing Baylan. But lots of things went unresolved and now that Ahsoka and Sabine are also there, there will be interaction sooner or later.

-Finally, I'll speak about the ending. EZRA WENT HOME!!! I'm honestly so happy about it. I was really worried he won't make it for one reason or another. And I was worried when he got on the ship all alone, though I was pretty confident he wasn't going to get caught and just get killed. Not like that. But maybe captured or something. Thoo, I loved it when he took the trooper's clothes, just like old times. And he and Hera finally reunited!!! SOO ANGRY THAT'S NOT A HUG WE GOT TO SEE!! Likee, the Ghost crew was a family and the two of them were so close! We soo need to see what's going to happen. Also, is Ezra aware Ahsoka and Sabine didn't come back? He must be obviously aware they didn't get on the Destroyer but does he think they somehow followed? I think he expects them to come back too. He would be worried otherwise. We last saw how Sabine ran and looked as if she was about to jump too but she returned for Ahsoka and we didn't really see what happened before that. They were too far apart to be able to talk properly but did she somehow tell him her intentions? I doubt she jumped only to then jump back but I don't believe he last saw her running back and didn't wonder what happened. But Ahsoka was sure he's back and safe, maybe he also felt through the Force what Sabine wanted to do.

-Now about Sabine and Ahsoka staying back... Tbh, I'm not entirely mad. Also, Ahsoka looked quite content with it, as if it was some new beginning. There are still things that need to be done there and also, it might be a great opportunity for them to become once again a master and apprentice, and this time do so properly. Also, the owl! Anakin's ghost showing once more and smiling while looking at the two!! Great moments!! But I still think that they could somehow return. Maybe with the help of some giant space friends that can travel through hyperspace? Something else? Idk, I can somewhat see Ahsoka staying there. Maybe after resolving whatever they'll have to deal with and finishing Sabine's training. It could eventually become her official peaceful retirement from everything. But I'm very much sure Sabine's place is not there. Not forever. I'm all about tropes such as sacrifice for someone else you deeply care about and all but I don't think she wanted to find Ezra just so they'll be separated again so soon. And there's something more to it. There's this repetitive theme in this show and the whole SW franchise about the apprentice eventually moving on without their master. I didn't mention the scenes with Ahsoka and Anakin much but wasn't it all about that? After ep 5 didn't Ahsoka finally deal with what happened and moved on? She came back to her past self, joking and sarcastic and not being shadowed by guilt. She showed understanding towards what Sabine did and acknowledged how she had once walked away from her just like her master walked away from her but he finally came back to finish her training and she in return came back to finish Sabine's. It seems like Ahsoka learned all she needed to and moved on. And she's now a master. And Sabine would also eventually finish her training and would need to move on (maybe not exactly become a master but still find another purpose). And I can't see her doing so remaining while there.

In the end, a list of things I want to see in the future:

-EZRA AND HERA HUGGG!!

-Ezra meeting Jacen!!!

-Zeb showing up again!! Him also reuniting with Ezra!! Interacting with Hera and Chopper, maybe Jacen.

-Eventually seeing/hearing about Kallus? The two went to live together and now suddenly Zeb is training recruits, idc if it's a ship, a close (totally non-heterosexual) friendship or whatever, they show and mention one of them, they eventually gotta at least mention the other one too. And it better not be something similar to Sabine's family.

-Ezra doing am Uno-reverse and going to bring Sabine (and maybe Ahsoka) home!!! Even better!! The crew of the Ghost all going back for her(them)!!! Oh, they'd better do that!!

-Seeing Thrawn's plan and how it'll play out (and eventually be stopped).

-Everyone finally believing about Thrawn's return and seeing the threat he is!! (And apologising to Hera!!!)

-Seeing what Baylan's plan is too!

-Shin maybe accepting Ahsoka's offer? Idk, not Shin's biggest stan but I think she's quite conflicted and lost. Maybe both figuratively and literally speaking.

- Some huge Mandalorian crossover! (Would be amazing and it can totally work, now that Thrawn is a big threat and some of the characters already have mutual associates anyway.)

Okay, okay, I stop here. As usual, sorry for any typos. I can honestly barely keep my eyes open and my mind is still a mess from the episode.

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Its the end of the year! Which means its time to post the

Tags That Made Me Smile 2022

The following are a collective list of tags, author notes, and fic names that i saw on ao3 and tumblr that made me either laugh or smile. Ive separated them by fandom but a good amount arent actually fandom specific. Ive added the character names or fandom at the end like {name} to clarify who the tag is talking about

[2021's list]

Author Specific / Non-Specific

i saw canon; acknowledged it; And promply burned it in a dirty trash can thanks; Have this instead

Give me pain I need to feel something

this is self projection thank you coming to my ted talk

Whats that?? Overused tropes that everyone has seen before????? Pfffffffft. This fic is literally just a big mess of "how can I cater to myself and myself only"

you ever just look at your life and wonder how you got here; bc that's what this fic is for me

Don't underestimate me I DO NOT know how long this fan-fic will be

can you tell my target audience is myself

this is content specifically catered to me and no one else

these characters are my landlords and i pay them rent

P O L Y A M O R Y   I S   M Y   P O L Y J A M O R Y

cheek kiss warning

kidnapping isn’t sexy don’t do it

i've never read the archie comics but that's not gonna stop me {archie sonic}

not me writing a whole fic for a ship only i care about; that like maybe two other people ship; rowing this boat is hard but someone has to do it {scourge x fleetway sonic}

ankles don't heal this fast but fuck it i do what i want

no beta we die like men; or rather we drown like the sad shipper with a pool noodle we are

I'm afraid of the Danimals mascot and you should be too

if you're getting flood warnings, don't worry. It's just MY TEARS!

me at every character: anxiety be upon ye

Me (Grabs canon and runs a marathon with it)

Quote: Do you think God stays in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he's created (Spy Kids) {tmnt crossover}

Alternate Universe - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

contains dangerous amount of bed based snuggling

(kind of its a very short very homosexual fight scene); and then they kiss.

Hostage situation takes a romantic turn???? Not clickbait????

enemies to frenemies

Improper Use of Pool Noodles

stone cold stoicism meeting determined stupidity

Star Wars

Kanan Jarrus: The Daddening

platonic love is what healed his lonely existence {din djarin}

when in doubt: road trip with the besties {din, boba, fennec}

Soul Eater

found family at its finest {kid, liz, patty}

The Witcher

wife (platonic) {yennskier}

at first I was like haha geralt and Istredd should kiss as a joke…. but bro I don’t think it’s a joke anymore….

Sonic the Hedgehog

Movie!Super Sonic is made out of LOVE no one touch me

Sonics gay awakening I guess

sonic movie 2 made me make an ao3 account lol

Sonic was made to love people

Two Bros Chillin’ in an ER Five Feet Apart ‘cause they’re not gay {sonic x shadow}

the most dangerous thing is to love {shadow}

Trapped in a small box with just enough room to face some feelings {sonic x shadow}

the R in rivalry stand for romance {sonic x shadow}

The L in Rivalry Stands For 'Love' {sonic x shadow}

A Largely Platonic Cave

i love boom!shadow so naturally i made him even more insufferable

Sad-ow

Wachowskis holdin it down in the bg; Absolute champs

I love how Shadow is just so mindbogglingly utterly done with reality

Knuckles is a guardian of all things great and small

“Would you kiss a worm?" “If he was cute as fuck? Yeah.” {wade x stone}

"What is this made of, bendable titanium?!" "INCORRECT. IT IS MADE OF THE FRUSTRATIONS OF MOTHERS EVERYWHERE." {team dark}

featuring a scourge that trips far too much because it's my fic and I said so {scourge x fleetway sonic}

no thoughts just soft hedgehog moments

listen if im going to die at the hands of injured lancelot shit i might as well take advantage of it

Everyone has a crush on Lancelot and I'll die on this hill

fairy Lancelot Fairy Lancelot FAIRY LANCELOT!!!

TMNT

Slow Burn; mostly on april's end of things; casey and donnie are basically on fire right off the bat {tmnt 2012}

Rise!Donnie and 2012!Casey be out there committing arson together for their first date >.>

Please enjoy Casey, the fool, realizing his feelings for Donnie, another fool {tmnt 2012}

Draxum and Splinter are the turtles' dads (it's a reluctant partnership)

just two absolute powerhouses holding each other gently {raph x mona}

“There’s nothing wrong with the way you love, Dee. Goodnight.” {rottmnt}

Wondering what to do when the apocalypse happens? Easy: fly across the country and get Vegas-married. That's definetley an appropriate reaction that won't involve your complicated feelings towards your roommate at all {hypno x warren}

Look rise are weapons of war 12 were accidents and I play with that HARD in this fic

"GET IN THE TURTLE TANK BITCHES WE GOING TO FAMILY THERAPY" {rottmnt}

Donatello is now Dad-Atello {rottmnt}

The other [Casey] is out on a beach in Tahiti; It's what he deserves after surviving the Krang {rottmnt}

Leo is now actively being hunted for sport; (the only sport Donnie is good at) {rottmnt}

These turtles can fit so much trauma

2018 Karai lives because fuck Nick; Casey x Donnie x April are a healthy ship and also fuck nick again

I cant be the only one pissed by Leo's and Karais 'love interest plot'; Leonardo's weird feelings were simply gender envy...Yes that is canon now {tmnt 2012}

What happens when two "dudes" call each other 'girlfriend'; Transgender activities, that's what! {tmnt 2012}

splinter is twice divorced and never married {rottmnt}

Papatello / Dadatello {rottmnt}

draxum's gone from dadxum to grand-dadxum good for him

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES YES YES YES; GRANDPA BARRY COMING IN CLUTCH

draxum just be like gramps still got it; and by 'it' i mean a complete lack of forethought for care when creating random children

Puts the Bi in Bitchless {rottmnt leo}

its because ninja turtles

feral mamatello {rottmnt}

Marvel

it's the anguish, the self flagellation, the audacity to love the man who annihilate ur nation and killed ur mother; your m o t h e r {black panther}

[bikananjarrus]

something else that bothers me about reframing the ghost crews’ relationships with each other around ahsoka instead, and about the ahsoka sabine master-apprentice relationship, is that there were other ways to have a more significant relationship between ahsoka and sabine without making sabine a jedi padawan.

like it feels like they needed an excuse to have ahsoka go to sabine for help, but isn't the possibility of finding ezra enough? ahsoka KNOWS just how important ezra is to the ghost crew, how much he means to them. if ahsoka had a credible lead on ezra, sabine would jump at the chance to go find him, whether she was a jedi or not!

with the example of ahsoka needing help - why do they frame it specifically as her needing "jedi padawan" help? like ahsoka's conversation with huyang in the beginning of the first episode about him needing to stay close to be her backup, and him saying it's the job of a jedi padawan. sabine, as a mandalorian warrior, is perfectly capable of providing backup on dangerous missions without being a jedi!!!

and also what is the point of her being a padawan if she's not force sensitive?? (the one bit of dialogue from huyang seemed to confirm that she's not force sensitive; but i don't trust filoni and that could also be a bit of foreshadowing for her suddenly being force sensitive later, idk, i don't trust it). but as it stands currently - she's not force sensitive. so WHY would she be training to be a jedi, specifically? it's not like they're framing it as ahsoka helping her keep up her lightsaber skills (which kanan taught her initially, and they haven't acknowledged at all). it's specifically being toted as training her as a JEDI. i just don’t think this storyline makes sense for sabine.

i don't know if they just wanted to add more interpersonal conflict, but why choose a strained master-apprentice relationship between ahsoka and sabine, when we could see ahsoka coming to terms with her relationship anakin and him being darth vader instead? or see sabine struggling with her ptsd after the war, and not wanting to get her hopes up about ezra because she can't stand to lose him again? i'm glad that the conflict isn't between sabine and hera, but it felt like something else could've been done to add tension between ahsoka and sabine (if that’s really what they wanted to tell a story about, i guess).

i just don’t like the padawan sabine storyline, and i don’t like the framing of ‘ahsoka needs jedi help, specifically’ because it just feels like they’re implying sabine’s only useful if she’s a jedi padawan, when she is a perfectly capable warrior on her own.

[im-no-jedi]

my thoughts on TBB season 2 episodes 7-8

and why it’ll probably be a long time before I’m able to rewatch these episodes again 💀

this is gonna be long and probably not very coherent, but I’m gonna do my best cause I need to get my feelings out 😅

I wanna start by saying I think these were some of the best episodes not just in TBB, but in SW media overall. the issue of Clones rights is something that we’ve been desperate to see addressed ever since TCW. we got hints of it in TCW, but it was never a prevalent issue since the series focused so much on the Jedi. Umbara was the first major instance we got of this, after a few smaller hints (Rex with Cut and the Separatist attack on Kamino were standouts for sure). but this was the first time we saw real, true focus on the rights of the Clones, especially in relation to their significance outside of war. it was done perfectly imo, even though it ended up being what kicked off the official start of the Stormtrooper era 💔

I told this to @jam-n-ham and she agreed with me, but Riyo spoke not just for her own beliefs, but for the entire fandom as well, and I really appreciate that 💙

another thing I absolutely loved was seeing TBB work with Rex again. them sneaking into Rampart’s ship and that whole endeavor was very reminiscent of their TCW arc with the refined chaos we know and love about them; it’s easily one of my favorite moments of the entire series now 😁

speaking of Rampart... DING DONG THE BINCH IS GONE. OMG. I legit thought he was gonna be more of a problem throughout the series (and he probably still will be 🙄), but for now at least, he’s finally outta here. hallelujah \o/

one more thing I have to mention is Omega. oh my sweet baby girl. this episode was such a good showcase of her character. it showed her sweetness and curiosity, while also giving her a chance to express her feelings about what happened on Kamino. her little rant was everything, and I’m so proud of her; she’s becoming a very expressive and strong young woman that I wish I had gotten to see more of when I was younger 💙

alright. now time for the feels™

I want to state that this is something extremely personal to me, so I’m going to speak mainly from the heart in regard to this. it’s really hard for me to make a more thoughtful judgment about it, especially since the season isn’t over yet, and we don’t know how things are going to play out fully. all I know right now is how I feel. so here we go.

I’m personally absolutely devastated about Echo leaving.

I know, I know, pretty much everyone can relate to this right now. but let me explain.

I struggle greatly with loss. of any kind, really. mostly in terms of relationships and people. throughout my life, I’ve struggled to maintain relationships with people and have had many people permanently leave my life, either by choice or circumstance. I can’t handle death very well, and I rarely can bring myself to even say goodbye to people. the very idea of someone leaving, even temporarily, is hard for me to handle.

this is further worsened because I also get extremely attached to things. this includes physical objects, people, animals, fictional characters, franchises in general, you name it. my specific brand of undiagnosed neurodiversity means that I get extra emotional when anything happens to something I’m attached to. @jam-n-ham can vouch for how excited and emotional I get when we’re watching something together. I don’t cry irl very often, but I get extremely emotional watching media of any kind.

so imagine my reactions to when a fictional character either dies or leaves in some manner. yeah...

when Fives died, it devasted me in a way that I’ve never fully recovered from. it legit traumatized me. to this day, I literally cannot even look at screencaps or gifs of when he died. it’s only been recently that I’ve even been able to acknowledge anything from that arc in general. I feel similarly about when Kanan died in Rebels as well (although that one is a bit easier for me to stomach because of how it was done).

and for me, characters leaving, even if it’s on good terms, affects me in an almost identical way. to me, Echo leaving TBB is no different than when he “died” in the Citadel arc, another moment that traumatized me. it doesn’t matter that he said he’ll be back or whatever. he’s still gone in my eyes.

I’ve been very attached to Echo since we first saw him. I actually liked him more than Fives for a while. I was ecstatic when we found out he was still alive and got rescued in TCW. and he’s been an absolute joy to watch in TBB. although he’s @jam-n-ham’s bae, he’s my boy and my bro and I love him very much. there’s a reason I made him my best friend in my self-insert series 🥰

I really wish I could explain this better since there are many instances of characters leaving or dying that hasn’t affected me so badly (again, I handled Kanan WAY better than Fives, and I literally can’t count the number of times I’ve watched the Umbara arc). I’m in a sensitive place in my life in general right now, so that might have something to do with it. but I feel like I would have these same feelings no matter what simply because of my trauma and my specific attachment to Echo as a character.

I do want to say though that I’m glad him leaving was presented the way that it was. I actually already knew he was going to leave at some point WEEKS ago due to spoilers, and I spoiled myself again before seeing the episodes, so I knew it was coming. it didn’t make it hurt any less, but the fact that he left on good terms with everybody is nice to know at least. Omega had a strong emotional reaction, which was understandable and realistic, and I appreciate that as well (considering I had a similar reaction 😅). also, I support what he’s doing and am glad that he feels like he’ll make a difference with Rex supporting other Clones in need. he’s a good boy, guys 🥺💙

so yeah. although I’m positive we’ll see him again (along with the likely possibility of him rejoining TBB at some point), it’s still incredibly painful that he’s gone and separated from the others. I feel like this will be addressed with Omega in the show, since she seems to be going through similar feelings. and if not... well, I still have my self-insert series that I can use to address it LOL

tl;dr because of my trauma dealing with loss and my strong attachment to Echo as a character, I won’t be rewatching episodes 7-8 for some time. I’ll be reassessing my feelings again once the season is over, but for now, this is where I stand.

ilu Echo. I hope I see you again soon 💙💙💙

[recre8ed]

@r3loaded : continued from discord. ( modern confrontation )

The worst part about Sanzo's explanation is that it makes perfect sense. No matter how he looks at it, there's no reason for Hakkai to doubt Sanzo—any information he could have possibly wanted out of Hakkai, he could have gotten by now if he'd just held the information over Hakkai's head like a death sentence.

It still feel like a shortsighted decision to take Sanzo at his word, but some strange instinct supplies him with trust. No matter how he tries to look at it, he can't shake the foreign confidence that Sanzo wouldn't have sold him out like that.

It's almost funny how little that matters.

"I don't want to go," Hakkai admits, speaking that thought aloud for the first time.

There's nothing that's made Hakkai happier since losing Kanan than the evenings he's able to spend with Sanzo and Goku. The two of them make Hakkai's life feel full in a way that it hasn't felt in a long time—somehow, they've both cemented themselves into his way of living in a way that makes things feel even more soulless on nights when he doesn't come over for tutoring.

On rainy nights, Hakkai lays awake in bed thinking about this house and these people.

It's almost enough to outweigh the risks of staying, and even despite that it remains enough to make Hakkai stop and consider something he'd have made a decision about instantly if it weren't for this. Them. In their own unique ways, Sanzo and Goku both make it near-impossible to turn one's back and walk away from them.

"As much as I think I should probably continue to take everything you've said and done with a grain of salt, I don't. I trust you. But I..." Hakkai trails off, shaking his head. "... I can't change the facts of the situation, either. Making that choice might shut me off from having connections I can reliably keep, but it means I'm still able to walk freely. I'd just like to live a quiet life where my past isn't an ever-present worry, even if that life is also a lonely one."

It feels like a pathetic thing to admit to. Despite making what he knows is the reasonable choice, Hakkai feels like a selfish coward, interested only in his own survival. He'd acknowledged it would hurt people to walk away, and then reinforced his own decision to do so. What does it matter how logical that choice was? At the end of the day, cowardice is cowardice.

Keeping his head down is the only way to ensure that Cho Gonou is as dead as his wife.

"For whatever it's worth, the time I've spent here with you and Goku has made me the happiest I've been in a long time. So, this isn't a decision I'm making lightly, or because I don't feel the same way when it comes to the place that the both of you hold in my life. I know exactly how upset it will make me to lose this."

I know I have to leave.

Hakkai reinforces the idea in his mind. There's no point dwelling on the miserable sort of life he's going to lead when he's gone, and Sanzo and Goku become parts of his past.

I know that. So why does it feel like I want him to keep me here?

[r0gerr0ger]

oh this is so me right now

i think there’s an interesting plot brewing, i’m loving the antagonists, and sabine, and her loth cat (🥹) and i’m actually really liking ahsoka which i didn’t think i would, but i’m still apprehensive about certain characters (see hera) and what direction the show will go in.

an animated series would have just been so much better, but as said above, i’m by no means devastated.

after ahsoka’s appearances in mando and bobf i was nervous bc she’d felt quite stagnant. but i’m thinking now that was just because she had short cameos in shows that were fairly stagnant themselves (i felt the same about bo-katan in season 2 vs 3 of mando)

there is now, i feel, a really good and complete transition between young ahsoka, rebels ahsoka and this final version. we’ll have to see how the show progresses/what kind of closure ahsoka gets, but i’m hopeful her story will be tied off nicely.

this change from a young, hopeful, spirited padawan, who experiences war and loss and then becomes disillusioned with the order- to a more mature ahsoka in rebels that still has elements of that youthful ‘snips’ attitude, but is so clearly a more grizzled soldier that’s struggling with accepting her past and later accepting the truth of anakin- to this current ahsoka that has lost any youthful naivety, is far more reserved and widened, is clearly in pain, but retains elements truthful to her earlier self (strong care and compassion- if quite buried- and typical ahsoka sass) feels natural and super believable to me.

in contrast, the change in character between rebels hera and current hera doesn’t make any sense to me.

she’s a good character and played well by winstead, and did grow on me a bit over two episodes (i loved the scene with her and sabine; hera is Mothering as always) but she just feels like a completely different character.

it certainly doesn’t help how different she looks (sorry not sorry! her clothes and skin are too cartoonishly bright for live action)

this hera is older, has fought in a full-scale war, lost kanan, had a kid, etc. all of which will change a person, i completely acknowledge that, but unlike ahsoka i don’t feel like there’s any aspect of original hera in this new portrayal. hera was (more than) a bit wild, and had an energy to her that feels lost now. she does feel stagnant- but then, maybe as with ahsoka i’ll change my mind in this by the series end. i’m holding out hope.

not devastated or elated by ahsoka (2023) but a secret third option (enjoying the experience of watching with fellow rebels fans and seeing favorite characters and places again while having mixed feelings about plot and character development, wishing it was a fully fleshed out longform animated series)