#r3loaded

[recre8ed]

@r3loaded asked → " do you wanna do my job? be my guest. " ( src. / accepting. )

The quick response makes Hakkai smile, delighted and broad. It must be a fairly good day if Sanzo is willing to get sarcastic rather than resorting to dismissiveness. Hakkai had almost been worried that he'd gotten too fed up by the earlier recognition to engage with teasing—not that it would have stopped him from engaging, but it's never as satisfying when Sanzo doesn't bite back at him.

He closes the door to their shared room behind him, gently setting the shopping bags down on the small table next to his chosen bed as he carries on the conversation.

"Haha. At the very least, I'd be a more agreeable candidate on the surface."

He doesn't waste too much time with imagining what it would be like. It's pure, joking hypothetical—though Hakkai imagines he is second to Sanzo when it comes to the responsibility needed to do the job of a Sanzo priest, there's ultimately nobody better for it, and Hakkai doesn't envy his position in the first place.

Speaking with devotees is only a secondary duty, anyway. In every respect but that one, Hakkai thinks there's probably no better candidate in the world for Sanzo's position than Sanzo himself. His nontraditional way of life is hardly a factor in that estimation at all.

But Hakkai does like to push Sanzo's buttons from time to time.

"Of course, I think underneath all that I'd be an even more egregious and contradictory priest than you are," Hakkai concedes, tilting his head obligingly to match his speech. "And I don't like the type of busywork your priestly duties tend to subject you to anyway. Sorry to say it, but I'm afraid I'll be leaving you to suffer your annoyances this time."

The sound of arguing picks up from the other room. Hakkai sighs, shaking his head as he actually goes about emptying the bags. If he doesn't pack now, there's no telling what sort of inconveniences could crop up that would turn his inaction into a bigger hassle. 

He glances briefly at the wall that separates their room from the problem children. "It goes without saying that I'm still more than happy to help you with babysitting duties, though."

[r3loaded]

⇀ THE NEXT SUN THAT RISES .

hello and welcome! this is an independent and selective portrayal of genjo sanzo from saiyuki! ( est. 11/12/2024. ) you can call me falka ( 21+, he/him ). this blog will not interact with writers under the age of 18 due to the nature of the series. i advise people to thoroughly read my rules for an accurate understanding of the themes that will be present on this blog.

r3loaded ; featuring themes of unshakable pride , the weight of legacy & forging one's own path in spite of it , standing back up stronger , and living life as it is.

⇀ heavily affiliated with recre8ed's portrayal of cho hakkai.

﴾ carrd. pinterest. graphics credit. ﴿

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[recre8ed]

@r3loaded : continued from discord. ( modern cooking )

"Here—it's easier to slice them this way." Hakkai takes the knife from Sanzo, fingers brushing against Sanzo's on the handle.

Holding knives used to make him feel a little sick in a way that bordered on both manic and afraid. It's a testament to his own progress that the only strange feeling Hakkai has now comes from the comparison his mind makes between this and his ideal life.

This sort of domestic activity makes Hakkai's mind flicker to the spare set of clothing that he'd left in Sanzo's guest room. Hakkai can't even remember the last time he went more than a week without staying the night here.

With the practiced precision Hakkai's home cooking has given him, he dices the remaining half of the tomato, then sets the knife on the surface of the cutting board and steps back again.

Sanzo isn't the expert Hakkai is, but he's quick learner, and Hakkai does secretly take pride in the fact that Sanzo doesn't seem to mind helping him. That's why the rest is left to Sanzo even though it doesn't need to be. Even though it would be faster if Hakkai did it.

"Don't worry about cutting it perfectly. It'll taste the same regardless," Hakkai assures, turning back to his own selected activity of making sure everything that's already in the saucepan doesn't burn. "When you're done with that, you can add those into here."

Keeping the corner of his eye on the pan, Hakkai reaches for the cabinet that houses Sanzo's limited array of spices, picking out what he needs. He hadn't even needed to ask Sanzo where they were, this time.

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[recre8ed]

@r3loaded : continued from discord. ( shilling out sanzo )

Hakkai can't help but feel like he's misstepped somewhere, even as Sanzo makes some small acquiescense to his suggestion. If he wasn't considering it genuinely, he'd have refused outright, but there's something else there behind Sanzo's words.

Maybe he had been just a little too transparent; Hakkai has never exactly been good at hiding things when it counts the most.

Sanzo isn't the type of person who would address that sort of thing unprompted, though, and Hakkai isn't the type who would ask. That dynamic creates a delicate balance between them that it'll take more than a strangely tense moment to topple—true to form, Hakkai doesn't pursue when Sanzo withdraws.

"I wasn't intending to do it so abruptly this time," he insists, sheepish enough to pass for apologetic. "We needed to stop here for at least long enough to eat, and the townspeople weren't likely to let us do even that much otherwise. The next time I think we need to resort to that, you'll know. I promise."

He delivers his assurances quickly and concisely, like he'd been planning out how to give his side of the discussion to Sanzo ever since he made that executive decision.

There's nothing that he wouldn't do if it meant keeping everyone healthy and alive. It's a drastic thing to think about in such a calm situation, but that broad scope of measures Hakkai would take includes things like this—judgement calls against Sanzo's wishes. Or anyone's, for that matter. He'd been more than willing to throw himself at the sharp end of Sanzo's annoyance for the sake of getting some much-needed food and board.

"Whether or not they're asking for trouble, there's no denying that your presence means something to them. I won't sign you up for anything that wouldn't have already been expected if you had agreed to this yourself. I don't want you to have to spend more time than you need to on their requests either."

If he were being fully honest, Hakkai would admit that he doesn't exactly relish in the idea of interacting with the devout either. He's not sure how much anyone else can tell that Gonou still remains within him—cruel, apathetic, selfish Gonou who could barely stand anyone who didn't already carry some weight with him. Hakkai would only have unflattering things to say about most people if he were forced to tell the truth.

But he's always withholding things like that. So he smiles obligingly.

"It's not really a matter of what I want, strictly speaking, but playing middleman seems like the best option to me, everything considered." What comes out is something neutral and objective sounding; Hakkai wouldn't have wanted it any other way. "If you really wanted, you could even tell me what you'd like to say and I'll make it sound polite enough to get by."

[recre8ed]

@r3loaded asked → " how's the whole 'dead' thing working out for you? " ( src. / accepting. )

That brusque and uncompromising manner of speaking is, Hakkai has come to learn, quite usual for Genjo Sanzo. It's a little nicer than he would have expected to have someone around who treats his current existence so matter-of-factly. Sanzo does not step delicately around the rotten wood in the floor of Hakkai's newly forged heart—he punches through it, unforgiving and half-uncaring, so those weak spots might be replaced.

Hakkai is more than a little infatuated with the way Sanzo lives, though he's not ignorant to the fact that there's clearly something heart-rending behind Sanzo's rotting interior, too.

"It's working out well, as a matter of fact," Hakkai reports. He is both polite and deeply grateful, and the two sentiments seem to battle for presence in his tone of voice. Sanzo probably isn't the sort of person who'd appreciate his sentimentality, and anyway, they hardly know eachother. "Gojyo hasn't complained to me about my continued stay in his house, and I've finally been able to make myself known to the locals."

He doesn't mention the tension that's seeped its way between himself and Gojyo, thick but permeable. Hakkai feels like his every step is under some strange kind of scrutiny—Gojyo never complains, but he rarely engages with Hakkai's gratitude or his care, which in many ways is worse than just complaining. Hakkai sometimes feels invisible there, though the two of them speak to eachother.

He wonders if the only thing keeping him there is the thought that he doesn't want to leave behind the man who had picked him up, half-dead and spilling his intestines on the road, and nursed him back to health. If Gojyo really doesn't need him as much as he'd thought, what else is there that stays his leave?

The close-lipped smile he gives Sanzo is, of course, made to hide those complicated feelings. Above everything else, he's grateful for the life that he's been allowed to live, and no matter how things go with Gojyo, he's determined to spend as long as he needs repaying the debt he owes to Sanzo in the little ways he's capable of; tutoring Goku and spending time at Keiun Temple. 

"Actually, I wanted to thank you for trusting me enough to allow me to go back there." Expertly changing the subject, Hakkai reaches down to the bag he'd packed in preparation for his trip back to the temple. "If you'll excuse the poor presentation—I brought something for you."

Steadily and easily, he removes the bulk of the bag's weight and sets it on the desk that separates him and Sanzo; two medium-sized containers, washed and reused from some cheap restaurant or another that Hakkai doesn't yet know the name of, filled with his own cooking. He pushes the slightly smaller one on his right towards Sanzo; despite the distance he'd travelled, the materials of the container are still warm.

"I don't have much else to busy myself with, as I'm sure you could have guessed. You seemed to enjoy the chazuke I made during my stay here, so I figured it would be a suitable thing to bring over. Although," Hakkai glances at the other, larger container, an amused smile creeping onto his face, "I did realize Goku wouldn't be satisfied with just that, so I brought him some stir fry."

[recre8ed]

@r3loaded said → " when you can't make sense of someone leaving, you try to make sense of what they left behind. " ( src. / accepting. )

Gonou doesn't dignify that with a response right away.

No, that isn't right—he's Hakkai now, newly forged with a name that feels like it mocks him as much as it promises to cleanse. Most people would say something like that as a consolation, a sentiment shared for relatability, but Hakkai can't make sense of the Sanzo priest that has put himself through so much to absolve him of crimes that should have never been met with absolution. Even his marriage had been sick and perverted through the lens of common moral standard. The bloodshed should have been the final straw holding his life afloat, and then some.

Truthfully, he hadn't thought much about what would become of him after the temple, because the idea of going back to existing without Kanan had seemed like a more cruel fate than death.

"Are you speaking from experience?" Hakkai asks, because he doesn't want to confront the question when it's faced towards himself. "You don't really seem the type to offer empty consolation—that's all."

It's a dirty trick. Hakkai has been able to see it in Sanzo's eyes ever since his own had cleared up enough to see much of anything; he's most likely too guarded to say anything substantial about himself, and there's a good chance he rebukes the subject of grief and loss entirely rather than try and push it on Hakkai again. The wound there is still too raw, no matter how much the sutra he recited echoes in Hakkai's mind.

Who was Cho Gonou, anyway?

The question posits itself, against Hakkai's wishes, though he knows the answer to that one. Cho Gonou was an obsessive murderer who didn't care much for the world until he was given a reason to care about someone else. Cho Gonou was problematic to a fault and sought to disprove the teachings of the nuns who had kindly raised him, because they had the capacity for faith where he didn't. He was envious of everyone who seemed happy, and so clung to love and happiness like a lifeline as it related to the only person in his life who had made him feel that.

Cho Gonou had not returned to apathy after Kanan had died. He'd allowed Gojyo to take care of him—had spoken to Gojyo about things he'd never told anyone else outside of Kanan—and though he had always intended to leave, he had thought about Gojyo even as he made his way back towards where Kanan's remains would have been.

So then, who is Cho Hakkai? 

"... I'm sorry. That was very rude of me." Turning back on his rather mild form of lashing out, Hakkai smiles apologetically. "To be honest, I'm still adjusting to the idea of continuing to live at all, let alone how I plan to do so or through what lens I should view my own life. I'm sure you're aware, but I really was under the impression that I at least had lifelong imprisonment in my cards. Haha."

He allows his eyes to slip closed as he draws in a deep, contemplative breath. Then he tries to imagine what this person named Cho Hakkai, whose shape has been so irreversibly molded around his own love, might want for himself. 

"I think," he says, "I need some time to figure out what exactly there is to make sense of."

[recre8ed]

@r3loaded : continued from discord. ( modern confrontation )

The worst part about Sanzo's explanation is that it makes perfect sense. No matter how he looks at it, there's no reason for Hakkai to doubt Sanzo—any information he could have possibly wanted out of Hakkai, he could have gotten by now if he'd just held the information over Hakkai's head like a death sentence.

It still feel like a shortsighted decision to take Sanzo at his word, but some strange instinct supplies him with trust. No matter how he tries to look at it, he can't shake the foreign confidence that Sanzo wouldn't have sold him out like that.

It's almost funny how little that matters.

"I don't want to go," Hakkai admits, speaking that thought aloud for the first time.

There's nothing that's made Hakkai happier since losing Kanan than the evenings he's able to spend with Sanzo and Goku. The two of them make Hakkai's life feel full in a way that it hasn't felt in a long time—somehow, they've both cemented themselves into his way of living in a way that makes things feel even more soulless on nights when he doesn't come over for tutoring.

On rainy nights, Hakkai lays awake in bed thinking about this house and these people.

It's almost enough to outweigh the risks of staying, and even despite that it remains enough to make Hakkai stop and consider something he'd have made a decision about instantly if it weren't for this. Them. In their own unique ways, Sanzo and Goku both make it near-impossible to turn one's back and walk away from them.

"As much as I think I should probably continue to take everything you've said and done with a grain of salt, I don't. I trust you. But I..." Hakkai trails off, shaking his head. "... I can't change the facts of the situation, either. Making that choice might shut me off from having connections I can reliably keep, but it means I'm still able to walk freely. I'd just like to live a quiet life where my past isn't an ever-present worry, even if that life is also a lonely one."

It feels like a pathetic thing to admit to. Despite making what he knows is the reasonable choice, Hakkai feels like a selfish coward, interested only in his own survival. He'd acknowledged it would hurt people to walk away, and then reinforced his own decision to do so. What does it matter how logical that choice was? At the end of the day, cowardice is cowardice.

Keeping his head down is the only way to ensure that Cho Gonou is as dead as his wife.

"For whatever it's worth, the time I've spent here with you and Goku has made me the happiest I've been in a long time. So, this isn't a decision I'm making lightly, or because I don't feel the same way when it comes to the place that the both of you hold in my life. I know exactly how upset it will make me to lose this."

I know I have to leave.

Hakkai reinforces the idea in his mind. There's no point dwelling on the miserable sort of life he's going to lead when he's gone, and Sanzo and Goku become parts of his past.

I know that. So why does it feel like I want him to keep me here?