#to be good

[scriobh-an-iontas]

Edit: Damn it I meant "morality" fuck

[carnage-cathedral]

why can't I stop crying

[ahli-stuff]

Crying thinking about fyodor at 5 am vibes

i don’t know what it is about him that initially made me love his character so much but if i were to put a finger on it it would be his sickly god-savior complex rooted in isolation and narcissistic self hatred

Why did he turn out that way?

Headcannon time:

Haven’t you heard? The Dostoyevsky family was cursed by a demon. Vanished without a trace. First it was the mother, the father, then the son.

- fyodor’s mother tried to kill him as a child—ability users were even less understood back then and she saw him as a devil spawn

- the first time fyodor uses his ability is when his mother kills him. He is reborn as her. (Still a child, though)

- since he inherits his previous incarnation’s memories and desires, he inherits the strongest emotion his mother felt when she tried to kill him: hatred for ability users.

- fyodor, traumatized from that experience forgets what his mother had done when he was a child, forgets his mother’s memories, believing she had left him with her ring and swaddled in her clothes before disappearing into the night.

- even though he has forgotten, he still has an unexplainable intense hatred towards ability users.

- his father was a kind and meek man; believing that she had simply disappeared and left the two of them he raised fyodor the best he can as a normal boy.

- though fyodor does dearly love his father, and his father loves him, his father notices that fyodor acts uncannily similar to his mother.

- contrary to his wife, fyodor’s father is not extremely religious, which is why he finds it strange that fyodor is.

- it comes to a head when fyodor is 17, and his father is deathly ill from tuberculosis. They do not have any money to spare, and fyodor does his best to work but there is not enough money.

- !fyodor remembers there is a nasty, old, pawnbroker whom he had to sell his mother’s silver ring to to afford his fathers medicine. (You know where this is going…)

- carrying a hatchet in his hands, he corners the pawnbroker when she arrives back to her flat, drunk.

- he tries his goddamned best to kill her, but he is malnourished, small, and weak. He trips, and the axe falls out of his hands.

- in an panicked attempt to defend herself, the pawnbroker picks up the axe and kills fyodor(for the second time.)

- he is reborn again—except memories from when his mother killed him in his youth begin flooding back. The pawnbroker’s, his mother’s, and his own memories melt and form a horrifying amalgamation in his mind.

- he takes what he can from the pawnbrokers house, and runs. He takes his mother’s ring back. He sells everything but the ring the next day.

- when he presents the medicine to his father—his father, enraged and feverish, sits up in bed and asks him where he got the money to buy it from. He must’ve stolen. But from where? Reading the newspaper earlier that day shows that the pawnbroker has gone missing, with all of her belongings and money.

- when he looks a fyodor and looks into his eyes glossy white eyes and dead-empty expression… he knows. Feverish, he wonders, if fyodor had been the reason his wife had vanished too.

- fyodor—having been killed and having “killed” two people watches his father’s rage in a dissociative manic calm.

in him, resentment for his nature builds. This is what ability users can do, huh? This is the pain they can cause. He knows his father will die if he spends another day without medicine. He knows that he father will not accept the medicine from him.

And so—he lets his father wrap his hands around his throat. This is fyodor’s mercy.

He leaves his home after that, his father and mother’s burning desires still fresh in his mind: kill all ability users.

Footnotes:

*this also fits asagiri’s style of writing: he often switches the personalities and/or circumstances of his characters in bsd. Akutagawa being dazai’s apprentice in bsd vs dazai vying for the akutagawa award in real life. Dazai mocking chuuya in bsd vs chuuya mocking dazai in real life.

*In this hc, fyodor’s mother is the one who is heavily religious, whereas in real life it is his father. In this hc, his father is ill instead of his mother who was in real life.

*And my favorite switch of all: the pawnbroker from crime and punishment killing raskolnikov (fyodor) instead of the other way around in the the actual Crime and Punishment.

*QUESTION. What intense desire did the fyodor get from the pawn broker? This one’s fun. The desire not to die—it makes the next time he kills an ability user using his ability that much more excruciating.

[murasakinocatt]

"E então meus olhos perceberam a maldade que o meu coração bondoso não sente"

"And then my eyes perceived the evil that my kind heart does not feel"

- @murasakinocatt

[weirdloverwilde]

well i really liked the umbrella academy s4! was not expecting to after all the reaction i've seen about it was negative - but yeah that was actually mostly a good ending

[writingsonthewall404]

Reflection on Writing

I see the world of writing as this landscape of infinite possibilities. With having simple command of letters to weave into words that then come together to form sentences and paragraphs, I could craft a world of my own. I could invoke feeling and imagery that others may have never before thought to imagine. No two pieces of writing are the same, yet they use the same 26 letters of the alphabet. There’s something about that, something about having access to a world so malleable in the hands of each person that inspires me and ignites a fire inside of me. I don’t know if I did find my passion in life, I just chose to write it off as something unattainable for me. Probably. I tend to aim for perfection on the first few tries and when I don’t get it, I abandon it for someone else to do better. But the thing is, there’s room for everyone. There’s even room for me to be bad! 

[pawsnifferpup]

i just want to be a good dog so fucking badly

[fourfuckinghorsemen]

I can't make myself happy. I can't make them happy. Fuck

[forgetbeam]

i keep getting tss blogs reccomended to me now and sometimes i take a look at them and that is how i discovered that there’s a whole ts critical tag. so like that’s going on my blocked tags list i guess

[witchblade]

every day we get better

[robyn-i-guess]

liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell

[macdenlover]

it came to my realization that 99% of my fandom related headaches would be cured if everyone understood this

[koobiie]

shoutout to everyone who wants to infodump but cant string together coherent thoughts to form sentences and instead just look at you like this

[mintaii]

take responsibility

[murasakinocatt]