#to be fair i don't think a lot of people read it so it's all good lol
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batmanisagatewaydrug · 5 hours ago
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Okay so apologies if this is outside of your wheelhouse, totally fair. And, on one hand, I know ultimately it's up to me not like someone on the internet with limited context, but I also got into sort of an argument with a friend and I'm very confused and I'd like some input on like. I guess just more opinions on this?
Basically I'm a virgin, and not currently interested in any sort of long term relationship, or even anything serious short term. I mentioned to a friend that I'd decided to give up on the whole dating thing (which I was mostly trying out of...obligation I guess? Feeling like I can't just want hookups idk) and just try going to a bar or social or something and being like hi I think you're hot this is what I know I'm into, interested? Because that's what I actually want. It took me a while to realize it, but yeah, I don't care about whether someone cares about me deeply as a person, I'm just horny. And I'm an adult (20) so....
Anyway. Friend in question responded like that was a terrible idea and said I shouldn't do it because I don't know what I'm doing.
Now I'm just confused because like sure, I don't, I've literally only kissed people before but also, lmao. How else am I supposed to figure it out. I'm not worried, I know what I like I've experimented a lot on my own, and I'm comfortable asserting boundaries and communicating. Like sure maybe it'll be awkward, whatever, but they were acting like there's some rule about how I'm doing it wrong and now I'm just confused.
I guess my question is sort of. Would it be somehow... inappropriate... for me to just find a stranger willing to have sex with me and do that. Especially because I have zero expectations really and would both be comfortable just leaving if the vibes are bad? I don't think I'm articulating this very well but honestly I'm a bit confused on what I'm confused about. They seemed like it had to something to do with my lack of prior experience but that sounds a bit ridiculous to me given that I have no interest in idk finding someone to get into an actual relationship with, now or probably ever. So why would I do that first like it's some sort of magic rule. Idk. Help?
hi anon,
respectfully, I think this is probably a friend whose opinions don't need to factor in to your (potential) sex life very much. while I'd certainly recommend everyone engage in sex with people who respect them and care about their safety and enjoyment, whatever that looks like for them, there's no reason that has to preclude sex with strangers - hell, one of the most fun, thoughtful, and relaxed sexual experiences I've ever had was with a bunch of people I had just met at a conference, most of whom I didn't know the names of. someone you just met can be more communicative and mindful of your wants than someone you've known for years; it's all varies tremendously!
giving a charitable read to your friend, I can see why someone might assume that it's better off not to have a first sexual experience with a stranger, but again, that comes from a place of assuming that a stranger is an inherently inferior sexual partner. you seem to have an extremely clear sense of what you want and expect from a sexual encounter, and so long as all of that's clearly understood between you and whoever else is participating I don't see any issue with that. how and with whom you have sex is, after all, up to you.
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thelunarfairy · 2 days ago
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Hi!!! I hope you are having a great day.
I saw that you believe that the cat that has appeared in the newest TBHK chapter is Tsukasa.
And while I understand where all the people who are saying it is Tsukasa are coming from there is still one thing bugging me a lot. There is already a Tsukasa in this universe and we’ve seen him, even when saying that that’s only the possessed version of him and that his soul is separate and the unpossessed is in the cat that doesn’t quite add up. I say this because when we are introduced to the baby Tsukasa of this universe he seems to momentarily regain consciousness and call for Amane
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(Chapter 116)
Do you have any theories relating to this? And if it wasn’t Tsukasa, what do you think the cat is? Do you think it’s existence will have any major impact on the story??
I’m just really interested to know your thoughts overall :DD
Hope you are doing well, and thanks beforehand for reading this! :DDD
Hi hi sweetie!!! thank you!!!!!!!!! I hope the same for you!!!
You are incredibly right!
There are some hypotheses that I like to consider, the first is that we have several versions of Tsukasa from different timelines - and they know each other.
This is because Tsukasa Yorishiro has already given signs that he can travel through time using the house. Apparently, it seems that he was looking for a reality where it would be possible for him and Amane to grow up together, apparently, he didn't find it.
These are theories, okay?
Still, the theories arose from the thought that Tsukasa made explicit, how he wants to show Nene Amane's past (at her request), but still, her bond with Hanako seems to have been planned.
The fact that Tsukasa can see past and future events gives him the possibility of planning anything, even if he is not sure that something will work out the way he wanted.
Okay, but why am I saying this?
Because if we have several versions of Tsukasa that can coexist at the same time (like the twelve-year-old Tsukasa appearing to Nene, or the four-year-old Tsukasa when Tsukasa Yorishiro was in the present) then it means that this little Tsukasa from the current reality is not the same Tsukasa who is supposedly the cat.
That's one theory.
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The second theory is that yes, that child who is at school has Tsukasa's appearance, a bit of his essence, but maybe he is not completely him.
Something similar to what Tsukasa did with Mitsuba.
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Tsukasa "created" a new Mitsuba with the essence of the original.
Who's to say that Kako didn't do the same just to trick Amane? Did he give him a copy of Tsukasa while he imprisoned the original in the cat's body?
I have these theories in my mind, I don't know exactly which of the two makes more sense, so far, or if they are true, but they both fit into the general context.
Currently, I can talk about both, but I haven't yet chosen which one makes the most sense for me.
It seems like something is missing…
Anyway, remember that this arc will unite all realities and times, it's in this art of the chapter 119.
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If it's not Tsukasa, maybe it's someone related to the Yugi family, based on the eyes, an unusual color. After all, all the alteration of reality started because of them.
Yes, the cat is important, he was literally responsible for "saving" Nene here, he facilitated Nene's entry into the boundary, which I find suspicious.
Tsukasa wanted her to destroy Yorishiro, right?
It's only fair that he facilitated her entry there.
;)
So yes, he is important, and we'll find out more about how.
Thank youuuuuuu sweetie!!!!!!!!!! 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡 Thank you for all your kindness!!!! And it was fun answering this question, thank you dear!!!
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trainsinanime · 3 days ago
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There are people who want Ao3 to have an algorithm that presents them stories based on their tastes instead of having to wade through the search and filter options. I strongly disagree with that for all sorts of reasons, both to make it fair on newer writers, and because I don't want Ao3 to process my data in that way. Fanfic reading should be private.
(I think it's horrible that Ao3 has a "history" that tracks what I read, and that it's on by default. And that I can't turn it off without disabling the "read later" feature, that's just poor software design. What fics I have and haven't read are my business.)
However, I also get the impulse: Finding fics you like can be hard. Personally I don't think it's that difficult in my current fandom, there it's more that there's way too much good stuff, but I've also been in fandoms where everyone only ever writes for ships that I don't find interesting. Having someone tell you, "you might like this next", can have a lot of value.
So what I tried yesterday is to just add a recommendations section in the bottom author's notes of the latest story I posted. In that case I only posted links to my own stories, but of course I can also link to those of others and promote them. Unlike bookmarks, you can be specific: "If you liked the vibes of this story, that one goes in a similar direction."
I'm not really sure if this is a good idea yet (or if people even click those links at all). What do you all think? My personal problem when reading is that my "read later" list is way too long, so I'm not sure I actually would follow these links myself all that much. And I don't want it to look like a corporate Netflix "get my numbers up" thing, I want it to be fun for me and readers.
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yuseirra · 3 days ago
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this got reblogged so I'm bringing it back,
the god that stands for/parallels kamiki is supposed to be a really kind and noble god but it was only his wife who understood him, that's how Sarutahiko's story went
I was honestly so frustrated with how everything was so cruel on this guy until he fell apart and how no one but Ai really connected with him when he used to be a kind kid - but I think that could have been the writer being truthful to the myths.
If I could understand the reasoning behind the writers being so cruel to this character (we still don't know how he's really felt, his say on the whole story, why he does these things from HIS perspective -to be fair, I think the songs are describing that- and what ACTUALLY happened in a clear sense!!! It's drove me nuts!), I could take this story a lot better you know? See the point in driving a character this insane and having EVERYBODY in the piece EXCEPT AI treat this guy like a total freak monster, all the while leaving things vague!! I couldn't make a full judgment on whether I should feel the same way about this guy too or not and I JUST wasn't convinced~~~~it felt terrible witnessing all that, I wanted the truth!! You can't just say someone's bad because a lot of people assume they are, that's not fair!
well, if that's what the writers were going for, I can take it better. That god really didn't have anyone who dared to come to his side until Amenouzume came along. There were tens of thousands of them and only one goddess came along to say hi to him. And that's...quite similar to how Kamiki thought he was only alive when Ai was with him because no one else ever was there for him and I swear, he used to be a sweet person. But people inside this story don't treat him well and leer at him and all, I wanted to see if he really deserved it but there is no physical proof of what he's done, and what we see him actually do on screen can be taken as ambiguous. His outward behavior remains consistently kind. They refrain from showing his misdeeds (if they exist to us) even till the story ends!! There's no need for it to be that way!! Make his sins prominent and let him pay for that!!! Tell us how he did it!! But they don't, right? Then this is unfair! I don't think it feels just. I still hate the way Aqua put an end to things. But I do believe there must have been a reason for him being that way. His dad is the guidance god who twists things just by existing. He was in bad shape, then stopped caring after Ai died and tried to collect the light of love within people's eyes to bring her back, that's what. Otherwise, the songs won't have those kinds of lyrics. That's exactly what they're going for. UGH. In that regard, this piece was so painful to read; I wanted to know just why they wrote the story this way and I have some weight lifted off my chest now
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I wanted to draw out something based on this post I wrote yesterday~ CH 118 and 147 ref!
What Tsukuyomi told Aqua in Chapter 118... If you flip it, I feel like that’s what Kamiki wanted. He’d really hate the things she said (she seems to mean well, but she phrases things in such a cruel way).
I really wonder what kind of interactions they would have if they ever met up. For me, it feels like Tsukuyomi has seen Kamiki straying far off and losing himself, so she wanted to keep Aqua from becoming the same way his dad did. Maybe she even assigned Aqua to take him down since she seemed to be keen on the whole revenge thing.
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fromtheseventhhell · 11 months ago
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"It's normal for siblings to fight" Okay well it's not normal to be extremely classist and look down on your sister for being non-conforming. Or to go to the woman who ordered the death of your pet to tell her about your father's plans, when he specifically warned you against doing so, because you want to marry the boy you saw attack your sister and her friend (contributing partially to said father's death and your sister being unable to escape on the ship he chartered). Or to think of your sibling as unsatisfactory in comparison to another when you believe her to be dead. I notice that none of the "Sansa and Arya are going to reunite and instantly have no issues" crowd ever acknowledge any of this, which makes it seem like they don't actually believe what they say about their relationship being normal and easily reconciled. People wanting them to have no issues simply because they're siblings is another example of how fandom likes to flatten complex characters and relationships. They get reduced to being bickering siblings when their conflict runs deeper than that. If the author is telling you that they have "deep issues" to work out [X], I don't understand being so adamant about ignoring said issues. I also get the sense it's about ignoring the capacity for a certain character to be flawed, but that isn't going to change the fact that her "slip of the tongue" is very likely to be revealed and a source of further conflict 🤷🏾‍♀️
#arya stark#sansa stark#house stark#asoiaf#also if it's so normal for siblings to fight then why are you guys losing your minds over us theorizing they won't get along??#the amount of condescending /that's just how siblings act/ takes I see 🙄#sorry I guess? that we read the book and don't just delete parts of the story because we find it convenient?#it's not even like takes about them being enemies is widespread the most I see is that they aren't instantly bffs when they reunite 😭#some people theorize they'll never be close but guess what? that's a completely fair and valid assumption based on their relationship!#personally I think they'll have a sweet reunion before the issues they have inevitably surface again because while they've been through#a lot they haven't fundamentally changed as people or the values they hold#and I think that's going to be very interesting to read about!#I can't figure out why people always take the most boring bland route for how things will play out#mostly because people seem to be unable to swallow the concept that Sansa is a flawed character who isn't perfectly sweet all the time#and the fact that their conflict is instigated by Sansa's classism#which is funny cause in the grand scheme of things her being mean to Arya is such a mild thing that opens the door to a ton of growth#never seen anybody but stansas equating her being a bully to her sister to her being evil/a villain#all we do is point out that it exists in the story...people in this fandom have no concept of nuance I stg 😭#anyways they're both complex characters and their conflict is interesting and I hope we get to see how it plays out#cause it's definitely going to be better then that trash d&d came up with 🙏🏾
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vaguely-concerned · 1 month ago
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few things bring me as much joy as my rook's expressive capacity for sudden withering disdain. (he's looking at illario here, of course lmao.) he's so hey i'm just a little guy...🥺 coded most of the time and then someone says something dumb enough that the mask cracks for a moment and every line of him says 'that is the stupidest fucking thing anyone has ever said to me and I'm aggrieved to even have had to hear it'. rye is mostly very kind but there IS a bastard lurking in his head waiting to be let out as well. not just solas but solas too I suppose. two bastards in rye ingellvar's head they keep each other company and are trying to strangle each other as we speak 😌.
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(vs. him looking over at lucanis a moment later during the same line delivery. since lucanis was actively into viago once I cannot imagine that getting to watch rye crack and be kind of mean to people who've earned it when too sorely tried is like. entirely without allure to him fhskjadf. witnessing illario pulling the old ingratiating 'rooook reason with him would you~ I'm the cousin with the charisma stats' routine and This being rook's response probably opened some as of yet ill-understood '...I think I hauve covid' corners of lucanis' soul. tfw your buddy has your back so completely (dawning erotic implications))
#rye 🤝harding: repressed rage that sometimes comes out in some not so pleasant ways when they get pushed too far lol#rye more so than harding I think I feel like he could get truly fucking MEAN under the right pressures#like what solas did for example :) but that's asshole against asshole combat and all bets are off anyway#I think he'd do borderline anything to not make it happen in close interpersonal relationships but like. to the point of his own detriment#kind of thing. who in this lighthouse can teach some of these little guys that anger can be felt and expressed in healthy ways#(probably davrin honestly he seems like a pretty safe dude to have conflict with. unflinching in his own view but fair and also kind)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#rookanis#rook x lucanis#I find it really interesting how rook's expressions seem to kind of sit different on their face depending on how you make them btw!#rye has a sharp narrow little face and quite upturned corners of the mouth when neutral plus the makeup heightening the features#which I think might be what gives him that really pronounced curl of the lip that reads sort of disdainful/quite sharp#when that facial animation plays#where that expression doesn't come through as prominently on some other rooks I've seen#but they look more natural when they smile for example#fascinating to think about how that stuff plays into your impression of who your rook is!#this is the first da game where the facial animation has been good enough for that to really be a factor I feel#also wondering if that might have some part in how people have received other characters too honestly -- in previous games#almost all real emotional expressiveness has had to be delivered through dialogue and voice acting#b/c the animation really couldn't carry it off with any nuance the vast majority of the time. so people don't quite give the credence#to the details of expression of body language and face that they might have now that it's actually technically available to put in there#which is a shame b/c I've found a lot of delight in what the animation adds to the characterization in this game!#lucanis is a big example of that especially early on in the romance I feel but it pops up all over the place honestly!#anyway. all this to say. I love my rook very much I'm not sure I've ever been this badly oc blorbo brained before in my life lol#(hawke doesn't count b/c hawke almost feels too set to be an oc entirely. and we love them for that that's not in any way a criticism)
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hearts401 · 3 months ago
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We need to start treating bad writing like bad art and im not kidding
#now theres a lot more nuance to this#because “bad writing” is SUPER general#so i have to add a disclaimer#i dont mean propoganda. i dont mean biased and biggoted#i mean writing decisions u dont like!#ppl are very quick to just sit there and shit on writers#its okay to not like an ending. its okay to not like how a character was treated#and its okay to be mad about it if u like them very dearly#but at the same time sometimes we're a little too mean.#and sometimes they deserve it#but sometimes it's a little mean#this is. in truth. because of the lumine ending#on webtoon#its pissing me off how ppl are getting super upset and being rude to kabu#even tho so many ppl are explaining its because she grew out of the story. she didnt have passion for it anymore#she gave us an ending! you dont have to like it but stop acting like just because she COULD write more that she HAS to write more#art is tiring. sometimes you lose passion for it. sometimes you dont do it perfectly#sometimes your idea of good isnt the same as someone else's#i dont like romance for example. several tropes will turn me off it#but some ppl do#sometimes you make a pretty shitty plot or make plot holes#and yeah those arent super great to read!!! but a story is an art. its all different#its not all good and its not all bad#its made from a persons head therefore it'll reflect a person in a way#i just think its important to remember that writers are not machines#artists and writers aren't actually as different as everyone treats them#we're all making art. we're all making mistakes. i just think we should be a little nicer about it#its okay to criticize. but can we be nice about it#also i dont like the “professional author” argument#picasso was a famous artist his paintings are in meuseums and there's still people who don't like his art. i dont think its fair to go
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sysig · 1 month ago
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Not going the best (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Cure#Vent#The start of it anyhow#Draw to take the mind off things - or to approach the hurt without touching it directly#Gift-giving season 2024 was just - bad lol#Birthday was sad and Christmas was sad just toss it plsthx#I mean there were good things! I got a couple plushies for Christmas which I like - I got a Bulbasaur ♥#But there were also a lot of bad things......hghh....#If I turn to Bar it's only fair Charm turns to [Coffee] for comfort#He really needs a name maybe this year will finally be the year I buckle down and make a naming convention#Bit of Cure as well - we're both chibi'd the heck out but ehhh approximate size maybe#She's probably a little big here actually but I dunno maybe she kept her proportions lol - maybe I'm just super chibi'd#Normally I wouldn't turn to her but I needed some cutes and she is definitely that#I watched an anime recently that kinda reminded me of her too hmmm - she won't get any signifiers from it I don't think but maybe new toys#She does enjoy things to play with lol (read: mess with other people with)#Napping without glasses is something that pops up a surprising amount for me huh - I mean yeah that's how I sleep but as an art subject hm#Graphite version of TVAU Charm from the silhouette/ink set! With a better grasp on the expression I was going for#I don't think I Quite got it - it's harder with simple dot eyes to imply directionality#Tiny aside into a brief bit of levity - before things broke bad again lol - I tried a little sample size of moonshine eggnog#Shit's lit honestly it was really tasty and decently high proof so even for such a small amount I got a bit dizzy! Nice#I was gifted the same brand's coffee moonshine and it was neither as tasty or effective but I appreciate the gesture all the same#First night my PC was out - obviously I was worried for her :( I'd only backed up a handful of files not including my Ghostkinz stuff#So I was very worried they'd be affected.... They weren't but boy was that a gamble!#The other stuff... I mean first of all thank goodness I /had/ backed up that handful because a few corrupted while she was out#That last scribble in particular was after the confirmation that my diary was lost And she had bluescreened#We were out and about seeing if we could pass the time until her permissions got transferred over and had just called it that No we couldn't#So we called it and went home and I got to start trying to parse those feelings while still trying to Secret Santa hahaa... Hgh just toss it
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running-in-the-dark · 8 months ago
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feeling real lonely lately, ngl
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mermaidsirennikita · 1 year ago
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The dichotomy between what's popular according to booktok (from what I've see) from the most blandest books imaginable to the most taboo erotica you can think of is kinda wild.
I think that what gets me with taboo books recommended by BookTok is that they're usually very poorly written. And if the writing is poor, you're not really getting the full "shock" value.
Like, when you read Sierra Simone's Thornchapel series, the scenes read as really intense because Sierra is an excellent writer. In contrast, a book like Hooked (that one dark romance~ modern Captain Hook book, a concept I was very open to and wanted to like, for the record) is very badly written. There's taboo content and a horrible hero, but like... It just reads juvenile.
I'm about 65% through A Kiss at Midnight by Anne Stuart, a historical romance that is QUITE dark, but the writing is frankly fabulous. Because Stuart can write, the darkness (which is not like, the corny "oh he's so bad he's in a motorcycle gang" torture sequence stuff--it's TRULY intense and pretty accurate for the era) is balanced out by emotional progression and honestly? A very dry, at times dark humor. If a lesser writer handled this plotline, it would just seem like shock factor after shock factor layered on just to get people talking. Very 2edgy4me.
And I'm gonna be really real here. Some fanfic authors are made to transition to actual published books. I think Ali Hazelwood writes a really solid contemporary romance. I really enjoyed You, Again by Kate Goldbeck, and that's based on a fic I actually read. The Hurricane Wars works as a book. (And mind you, let's not take away from the work the editors and authors did to rework fics into actual books here.)
Some fic authors are meant to stay fic authors and to excel at that. I personally think that one of the reasons why we have so many blaaand romance novels right now is that a) some of them are written by less-equipped fic authors trying to write real books and b) some of the authors have read less actual books than they have fics.
There are some tensely plotted, exciting fics out there. But personally? I think the standout nature of those fics--fics like Manacled, which... I think.... is not.... for me. However, bland it is not lol--makes people think that is the NORM for fic, when it's not. The norm for fic, and what I think a lot of more casual fic consumers and people who read more fic than they do books (compared to a lot of romance readers who turn to fic to supplement their reading habits) is very plotless slice of life stuff.
And that's not meant to be derogatory. It works, especially when you're writing about characters a lot of people know and love and are PROGRAMMED to know and love. Even if it's AU and they're basically other people, if you're writing a modern, sedate romcom about Katniss and Peeta and she mentions going to archery classes and Peeta being a baker, people are like aawwwww and they enjoy the nicely written scenes that are just people being people.
That.... ultimately creates a bland story when you're writing a book about original characters nobody has a preexisting investment in.
#romance novel blogging#lol idk sometimes i feel like fic gets this sweeping pass bc we're not supposed to critique the work#and not critiquing the work is fine i'm not here to tell y'all a thing someone is doing for free is bad when they don't want feedback#BUT... i think it's fair to critique the way fic has been uplifted and held on this pedestal compared to books#and EQUATED to books#which is my biggest complaint always#it's not better or worse it's different and if you think you can transition from fics to books#without reworking your products and your style#and frankly often putting a lot more work in#... idk man that's just so low effort and i personally think that's one reason why we see subpar books where nothing happens#they've always existed some people just do that lol but some of it i read and i'm like#this is like someone wrote a review 200k word fic about absolutely nothing changed the names and bit publish#(and another thing--one way you CAN tell there is a different type of work being done with fic is the wordcount dif#the standard for say a historical romance#which is often given more room traditionally in terms of word count than a contemporary romance#is 100k words#contemporaries often have landed between 80k-100k#then you have these 150k contemporaries and they're bloated as hell#but that wordcount is not unusual for fics#and fics are nORMALLY if edited at all being edited by amateur beta readers who do not professionally edit work#and often only look for typos or scene/character issues versus things like overarching plot and structural weakness#ADDITIONALLY! when you read a fic you're usually reading someone writing in real time#whereas if you are reading a well-done actual book you're reading someone's like... billionth draft that's been worked over by#multiple eyes. and i include indie in this bc the really good indie books have usually been professionally edited#on top of critique partners proofers etc)#ANYWAY. MY RANT.
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kitsunesakii · 1 year ago
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SCRAP JOURNALING!!
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kurthorton-moving · 2 years ago
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I'm. Overwhelmed
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cathymee · 4 days ago
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(hyperfixated only; with no educational degree in regards to the subject) actually you're very wrong
#reading michael as an enne type 7. is so crazy. do u see this guy. his melancholic whimsy.#& i think this is a matter of ppl focusing on the negative/trauma aspects which is fair i mean. omg it's wild to psychoanalyze this guy#there r so many shit to talk about. but uhm. main childhood wound. desires. fears. hello i thought these were the fundamentals/basics#i guess it's the playfulness & energetic aspect of his personality but that's more rooted in. well a persona as a performer as well as#manifesting the free-spirited energy of children given what went down whis own childhood & just his appreciation (and somewhat envy - very#4) for the whole deal w/childhood#grappling w/self-indulgence is also a thing for 4s. & also just. generally a thing for sx/sp4 which someone might read mj as but to me he#seems more like a so/sx. but either way i mean. his running away from pain was very much not a thing. he very much manifests his pain in a#lot of his art in a very articulate & deep-rooted kind of way. he does not shy away from it. world-class whiner as yetnikoff said /j#but in regards to pain there was also the whole. Wallowing in it at times. romanticism & comparison to others. he doesn't shy away from#intense negative feelings altho he's averse to confrontations & arguments-doesn't mean that he ignores it or moves away from it to only#focus on the good but to deal w/it on his own. glenda tapes thingy where he said he doesn't retaliate/hurt others when in pain/got hurt but#only turns it inwards/deal w.it on his own. that reads as self-loathing but only might be just the sense of being more familiar enough w/#pain that he's able to balance/process/heal from it alone instead of airing this out & in doing so might encounter the chance of being#misunderstood/judged by others which only causes more frustration for a type 4. and also a theme w/him wherein there's a bit of an#obsession with Saviors. 'the special one will come to my life. i'm waiting for that One person who will stick w/me thru everything. see my#pain & help me heal. be my anchor.' his dynamic w/fans echoes this-the way he kept on saying that they were the reason he stayed strong#thru a lot of his troubles. his 'pls don't hate/leave me' statements. that was what he was longing for-a consistent presence. that was an#important aspect of love/compassion for him - when people stay.#but also in general. will u be there calls for nurturing & protection from the ppl in his life-heal me when i'm wounded. be there for me#always. don't leave me. help me. i need u. i can't bear to just live alone. see me as i am - all the purity & the scars - and please stay.#his dynamic w/older ppl - his many parental figures. the many 2nd mothers & fathers lol. & also how he sees himself as a guardian &#protector of children. maybe projecting that feeling of being unloved & unprotected & so possessing the drive to give to children what was#never given to him as a child. just. a general sense of Loss. something Missing in him that he can never truly find & thus never made him#feel whole. trauma aside. auh his intense appreciation for art & beauty. the deep Understanding & connection to any form of art. his whole#artistry. always rooted in something personal & intimate & spiritual within him. valuing creativity. pulling from so many different#inspirations & all of that to just Express what is within him - little michael going 'i don't sing it if i don't mean it'. even the art#that he didn't create but was created for him were still performed the way they were bc he found something that made it personal for him.#cont -#u can develop an interest over a legendary pop icon. but watch out
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readymades2002 · 7 months ago
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genuinely it is difficult having cultivated the like. taste in fiction that i have now that i am in a place where i'm trying to talk to people more and make friends and so on and so forth and this is the field i'm having to play on with them. i don't think anyone has to be critic-brained (i do think its good to recognize that media is Authored and to look at things with both eyes open but some people simply enjoy things in other ways and i may get irritated by that but i don't suppose its Wrong) and i have in fact met people who Will meet me in that field but it doesnt change that the field i like to play in is much different and no one is expected to meet me there in the same way i am expected to play ball with marvel fans
#i find criticism and critique allows me a way into that field actually because i do not care for marvel#but if i try to pick it apart and see what its doing i can at least Converse with people about something#but its like. idk. thats an effort i make to talk to people and i dont find people do the same thing for me#and i dont really feel like its fair for me to ask either. in some ways that is me being silly and embarrassed and shy and all that#but in other ways its like well im not going to tell the most normal people i know to read flower that bloomed nowhere with me.#it gives people the impression that i live under a rock! i dont think i live under a rock i know about lots of stuff#its just different stuff and i dont usually talk without prompting and i find it hard to talk about something#if i think the other person wont know about it and ill have to explain it to them and hope maybe they look into it#i have looked into things for other people. i don't find people usually do that for me#there are even situations USUALLY with my mother if im being honest where she will take recommendations seriously#from genuinely everyone BUT me even watching things she'd normally never touch and its like Okay .#...#ive been having a hard week. its probably going to get harder as well (i go back to work tomorrow and i wasted my time off#being in pain and miserable and not being a presence in my own life)#and there is something about showing up to work with worse sh scars than usual and belt bruises on my neck#keeping my head down and not saying anything and having no one say anything to me at all that makes me feel. i dont know#how to word it. had a little breakdown alone in my* room yesterday and found myself sobbing 'help me' a lot#and maybe thats the root of it. i dont feel like people try for me the way i have been trying and it makes me feel like i am not worth#making the effort for. and i also dont know how to express this or ask for help without looking like a brat </3 so#anyway. ignore all that please thats embarrassing.
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inbabylontheywept · 20 days ago
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Babylon and the Duck of Butter
I have a gift for falling in love with random objects. One time, my aunt got me a little rubber chicken, and whenever I squoze it, a little egg thing popped out. Very silly. Except that chicken became something like my best friend. I carried it with me to school, and I kept it with me in my pocket, and whatever social hazards there were about Being The Guy Who Got Stressed Whenever His Rubber Chicken Was Missing were far outweighed by being The Guy Who ALWAYS Had a Rubber Chicken On Him. There's a lot of comedic opportunity that comes with always having a good prop on your person.
Of course, the chicken did eventually. Explode. And such was my grief that I did not eat for 36 hours. This was very stressful for many people. Mostly my mom. I was a very strange child to work with. She took parenting so incredibly seriously, and then I'd pitch her these curve balls like refusing to eat for a day and a half because my rubber chicken died. No parenting book tells you what to do when that happens. You just have to feel it in your heart.
A less tragic story of an object that I fell in love with was a large, foam toad that I found in a trinket shop. The toad was the size of a very large grapefruit. Much too large to carry with me to school (thank god) but enough that I could move it around the house, to keep me company during my solitary pursuits. If I was reading, the toad was there, and if I was tinkering with legos, the toad was there, and even when I slept, I would wrap the toad up in layers and layers of blankets, and then spoon it. I did this until the rubber coating on the foam started to wear out, and the foam started to get brittle and break down and leak this repulsive yellow powder. Then I simply put the toad in the playroom and would consult it on matters of great importance. Eventually I stopped doing that, and someone took the opportunity to dispose of it. Not sure who. By the time I noticed its absence, too much time had passed for me to actually be sad. As an adult, part of me thinks I would have maybe liked burying the toad, but part of me also thinks I might have refused to part with the toad, which would have resulted in it leaking more repulsive yellow powder into the house. So I understand why that decision was made. 
I want to state that this does not happen often, and it does not happen on purpose. I don't choose to fall in love with random objects. And it's always a little bit embarrassing when it happens. 
Which brings me to my wife. 
Before meeting my wife, I did not often go to places with crowds. I didn't really think of it as avoiding them - those places just didn't seem fun to me. But she liked those places, and I really liked her, and being with someone who really likes something can kind of sell you on liking it too, so I'd take her to places and watch her Visibly Enjoy the Fair and go: Alright. The fair is pretty sweet.  
Which is a thing that happened. After fourish months of dating, I took her to the fair. And she fell very visibly in love with a large series of quilts, and she stayed near them for a while, which she thought was very embarrassing, and I got to pretend to be understanding as an outsider, because I thought it would be much more impressive than also being the type of person that would fall in love with a quilt. 
Do not do this. The gods punishment for my hubris was that the room next to the quilts was full of butter sculptures, which was an entirely new thing to me, and I immediately fell embarrassingly in love with all of them. It was like the biggest, sappiest non-sexual crush you've ever had, but not only did the other person not recipropcate, they could not, because they were made of butter. I actually got yelled at for pressing my face against the glass, which is fair, but also, I hadn't realized I was pressing my face on the glass, I just started leaning forward because after approximately 30 minutes of staring wistfully at a cow made of butter my legs got tired. And I think I should be given some grace for that.
Anyway. My wife was very patient with me taking more time to look at the butter sculptures than the average person might spent at the Louvre, and she also felt much less embarrassed over falling in love with a quilt, and we had a good laugh about it on the ferris wheel. 
A few weeks after that was my birthday. And I don't know what I expected, exactly - but I did not expect what she did. 
Dear reader, she made me a butter sculpture. Of a duck.
She picked a duck, because our first kiss was at a Japanese friendship garden. It was our second date, and she'd made up her mind not to do any kissing until the third date, but as we sat on the grass, a duck walked past me, and I'd just seen the hold-duck-gentle-like-hamgurber meme,
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so I sort of impulsively reached out and snatched it. I honestly didn't think it would work. I don't know who was more flabbergasted, me or the duck. But we looked at each other, and then I looked at her, and then she looked at the duck, and she looked so incredibly envious that I assumed that must have wanted the duck so I just handed it to her.
It turned out she was actually envious of the ability to just grab a duck as it walked by, but she accepted the duck and stroked it a few times before releasing it. (She also made up her mind to kiss me in that moment, which was very nice.)  
Anyway.
She made me a butter duck of my own. Obviously, I fell in love with it immediately. I cleared out all of the freezer-portion of my mini fridge, and I put the duck in there, and for the next several months, when I felt sad, or lonely, I would open the door up and spent some quality time. Just me and my duck.
But this is, of course, not the end of the story. 
Because.
After several months. 
The mini fridge died. 
I really didn't use it that often. It was mostly my duck storage container. But one day, I walked by it, and it struck me that it wasn't humming. So I opened the door, and it was just. Far, far too late. The duck was dead. Dead dead. Turned into a foul-smelling slime dead. 
I cried. I did. After the rubber chicken thing, I thought I had changed, but I had not changed, and the unexpected death of my butter buddy left me pretty shook. I texted my then-girlfriend now-wife about how sad I was, and she actually came over to help me say goodbye. We didn't even bother scraping the duck out of the mini-fridge, we just said our goodbyes to both and threw them together in the nice dumpster behind the chapel, because it seemed appropriate to put it in God's dumpster. And it did actually help quite a bit. I certainly did not go 36 hours without eating again. 
And that was, for some time, the end of the butter duck. 
However. Three (or four?) years ago, for my birthday, my wife was looking around thrift stores. And she found something interesting. 
The original butter duck had an odd pose. She'd sculpted it laying flat, intending to raise it up later. But the butter was less flexible than she thought, and she was afraid of cracking it so she left it down which left the duck with a very elongated, very in-motion appearance. And she found a brass statue of a duck in the same, running posture.
It wasn't the original. But it was oddly on the nose. It was a yellow brass, it had the same strange posture, the same crude little face feathers. 
I think it was $3, but it remains perhaps the most thoughtful gift I have ever received. I got very choked up when I unwrapped Butter Duck, The UnDying. 
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Pic provided.
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sunderwight · 7 months ago
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Modern AU where Shen Yuan accidentally sugar-daddies everyone.
So for the purposes of this, Shen Yuan's family is basically $10 Bananas levels of cluelessly rich. Shen Yuan has almost never had to look at the prices of anything he wants. He and his siblings all get an allowance from the family's main account, which increases when they reach adulthood, and in the interest of fairness his parents made it all the same size. So Shen Yuan gets the same amount of money for his daily living expenses as his older brothers with their penthouse apartments and vacation homes and private jets, at least from the family account (since he doesn't work, he doesn't actually make as much as them in total because they earn more on top of their allowances).
And the thing is, Shen Yuan genuinely just lives a lot more humbly. He likes people but what would he do with a vacation house? Anything really nice would probably require him to fly to get out there, and he gets sick as hell on planes. Living in the central city is also not great for him, because the air pollution is so bad. Having a whole house to himself would also be ridiculous. So he has a reasonable apartment, in a reasonable area, and he splurges every so often on purchases that make him happy and take-out food that he likes, and of course he pays a cleaning service to come in twice a week. Most people assume he's comfortably middle class and has some tech job he does from home, but he's been getting a lot more than he's been spending in his monthly allowances for years now, and the figures are big.
Enter into this environment author Airplane and his trash novels. Novels, multiple, because in this AU there's no PIDW, and instead after some alternate PIDW prototype got popular in the harem genre, Airplane decided to churn out a series of copy-paste shorter stories rather than recycling the same subplots in one massively long epic.
Shen Yuan of course discovers Airplane's writing and becomes as obsessed with it as ever, except this time he notices that if there are delays between new stories, they seem to clear up faster whenever he throws some cash at the problem. And also that the drops in Airplane's writing quality coincide with times when Shen Yuan was having health issues and not keeping up with his VIP purchases. So, he works out that Airplane's probably doing the writing for the money, and that when Peerless Cucumber isn't paying the most for it, Airplane starts listening to the other buffoons in the comment section more to try and entice them to pay his bills instead.
Peerless Cucumber leaves a comment on one of Airplane's latest stories that kicks off the two of them actually chatting, and Shen Yuan eventually gets to the point of offering to fund all Airplane's writing, in exchange for Airplane not doing his crap sellout stuff to appeal to other readers anymore. Airplane thinks he's joking or maybe mocking him. Shen Yuan asks how much it would cost. Airplane fires off a ridiculous number. Shen Yuan doesn't even blink and wires him the first payment. Then he gets annoyed because Airplane leaves him on read for a while, but that's because Airplane is staring at his account balance in shock.
Of course, it's Airplane who starts referring to Peerless Cucumber as his sugar daddy. Shen Yuan is just like "based on your sex scenes I don't think anyone would pay you for that" and Airplane's all "but you WOULD pay for my sex scenes ^_~" and Shen Yuan's like "technically I am actually paying you not to write that shit" and so on. Usual banter. The quality of Airplane's writing improves dramatically, a lot of his readership drops off but he does get new readers and gradually builds up an even bigger fanbase than before, and so on, it all goes pretty well. He eventually writes a few things that take off to the point of getting physical publications and international translations. Technically Airplane no longer needs Shen Yuan to pay all of his bills by that point but he's not going to tell Shen Yuan that! The contract's still good as long as he keeps writing!
Then one of Airplane's online acquaintances runs into some financial trouble and asks for help.
Liu Mingyan used to beta read for Airplane back when he wrote fanfiction (she was like thirteen, Airplane was unaware because internet and hey free beta), and it seems her family has hit a rough patch. She wants tips on how to go pro, but Airplane explains that it was extremely difficult and he mostly lucked out by finding a single wealthy backer. Mingyan wonders if the same guy would be interested in her writing, Airplane sadly thinks not because Mingyan exclusively writes kinky danmei erotica and Peerless Cucumber seems pretty firmly in the closet still and also generally prefers plotty and world-building heavy stuff.
But like, Airplane has definitely gotten a vibe off of Cucumber-bro, and Mingyan's gorgeous older brother does video streams of himself doing cool martial arts and swordsmanship stuff. So he asks her permission and when she gives it, he recommends Liu Qingge's videos to Shen Yuan, being sure to mention that the guy in question can't really afford to keep up with his hobbies and oh what a shame it would be if he had to stop making art like that.
Haha, Airplane, you're not subtle.
Even so, Shen Yuan watches the videos and immediately agrees that Liu Qingge is beauty in motion, and that it would be criminal to deprive the world of more videos of his sword. Swordsmanship! That is the, the art of, martial arts! Definitely. He clicks the donate button, reasoning out that he'll just send a donation about the size of his usual monthly payments to Airplane and call it his good deed for the day.
Liu Qingge is very confused by this new follower from nowhere who suddenly dumped a little over a month's rent into his account. One thing leads to another, with Mingyan and Airplane conspiring to try and get Shen Yuan as a permanent patron, and then Liu Qingge being let in on it. Except that Airplane keeps referring to Shen Yuan as his sugar daddy, and well... it's not like Liu Qingge doesn't ever get 'those' kinds of comments on his videos. At first he's embarrassed, then offended, then mortified that his own younger sister is apparently setting him up to make premium private videos for what he assumes is some old pervert who is going to want him to do untoward things.
However, their options are pretty bleak at the moment, and Liu Qingge worries that if he doesn't do this then Mingyan might. She even mentions something to the effect of having planned to offer herself, and only didn't because she wasn't this "sugar daddy" guy's type!
Teeth clenched, Liu Qingge asks Airplane stiltedly for advice on how to... appeal, to this wealthy benefactor.
In the end though it's not nearly as bad as Liu Qingge feared. He winds up doing more videos in costumes and cosplay, which ought to have been an untenable expense, but Peerless Cucumber always ends up covering the cost of whatever he invests in plus extra. Sometimes he sends Liu Qingge stuff with a request to wear it, but so far it's just been like, badass warrior-themed or historical costumes. Nothing overtly pervy. He does some LARPing, he makes enough to start doing horseback archery again, convinces some of his good-looking peers from various clubs to spar with him, and ultimately the most risque videos he ends up doing are the ones where he demonstrates how to put on certain kinds of gear. He still locks those ones behind paid subscribers only, mostly because he feels like he's doing something illicit now, even if he used to show more skin on his older videos any time he took his shirt off.
Peerless Cucumber doesn't leave creepy comments, either. In fact he seems genuinely nice and supportive, it's hard not to like him, and so even once his situation levels out Liu Qingge decides there's not really much need to stop making videos for him. (He maybe even gets a little giddy thrill over... well, sometimes he finds it all a bit... just when he thinks about Peerless Cucumber watching him demonstrate his physical prowess and finding that alone worth... ANYWAY--)
So that goes on for a while, before Yue Qi enters the scene.
Yue Qi is the childhood friend of one of Shen Yuan's older brothers (Shen bros!) and Shen Jiu owes him a big favor for something that he won't talk about. At least he won't talk to Shen Yuan about it. But Yue Qi is also not the type to ask for help, and Shen Jiu is very bad at offering it, so when Shen Jiu gets word that Yue Qi is having some difficulties making ends meet, he tells Shen Yuan to act as the middle man. Go offer Qi-ge money, he knows you're nice he'll just accept it, and then Shen Jiu will pay the actual bill.
Well it turns out that Yue Qi doesn't just accept it, of course he sees right through it, and gently but firmly tells Shen Yuan that he's not interested in burdening Shen Jiu further than he already has. Etc, etc, stoic stiff upper lips and no proper communication all around. Shen Yuan panics because it's not working and he's also genuinely worried about Yue Qi by now, so he tries to figure out how to make it compelling and basically blurts that, well, see, the thing is that sometimes he pays men to entertain him. You know. To like. Do things, for him. So. He could also pay Yue Qi? To do something for him?
Yue Qi gets the wrong idea entirely, and at first is like, oh, no, A'Yuan, you shouldn't be paying people for that! These things should just happen organically! But Shen Yuan is very adamant that he believes in compensating people for what they do for him, it's not like he can't afford to, and it gets awkward but Yue Qi is like well he does have health problems. It's perhaps difficult for him to meet people. So then he starts worrying about Shen Yuan and all these strange men he's apparently paying for "entertainment". Does his brother know about this?
No of course Shen Jiu doesn't know! He'd hate it, and Shen Yuan doesn't want to hear about how he's doing everything wrong with his life again!
Then Shen Yuan mentions that his prior house cleaning service up and quit on him (they didn't), and if Yue Qi would like to earn fair compensation he could just come over sometimes to help instead, and Shen Yuan would pay him just to tidy up and hang out for a few hours! Which Yue Qi thinks is a fantastic idea, actually, even if Shen Yuan is only doing this because of his brother, this will give Yue Qi a chance to keep an eye on him and his so-called entertainers. Even if he sort of... ends up also being one?
Shen Yuan keeps everything above board, though his apartment always seems perfectly clean and he overpays way too much (Shen Jiu is still footing this bill after all), and Yue Qi starts to think maybe he actually is being paid for intimacy. Of a sort that they're maybe still working up to? Shen Yuan usually has a very thin face after all. He's kind of got two minds about this prospect. On the one hand, he's got his situationship with Shen Jiu, so dating his brother would be absurd. But on the other hand, it's not actually dating, and he does like Shen Yuan, and maybe if they can be good company for each other then Yue Qi won't feel so depressed and Shen Yuan won't need to hire strange men so often.
Meanwhile it's come to Shen Yuan's attention, perhaps through an offhand comment he read online somewhere, that people who are struggling financially often also struggle to "treat themselves". Because even when they have enough money to be comfortable there's often the looming specter of deprivation, and etc, so he figures he should start buying some of his dependents more treats and things. Since they might not buy them for themselves? And also he's enjoying doing this but shhh no he isn't, it's a huge hassle, he's only doing it out of basic moral decency, etc.
So like, Airplane starts getting little things that he'd put on some public wish lists, clearly sent by Peerless Cucumber. And he tells Mingyan to make a list for Liu Qingge too, and sure enough, Liu Qingge (bewildered, slightly flustered) tries to figure out what he's supposed to do with an album from a band he likes and some high-end leather polish. Ultimately settles on playing the music and wearing his nicest leather in his next video. Yue Qi starts arriving at Shen Yuan's place to be plied with his favorite coffees and to have scented candles awkwardly foisted onto him (Shen Yuan does not know what Yue Qi likes in gifts) (he buys these presents himself they're not out of Shen Jiu's pocket).
So finally Shen Yuan's parents start to notice that he's been spending a lot more than usual, and start to worry that he's either been taken in by a scam artist or is secretly dating a gold digger or has developed a drug addiction or something. But asking things directly like normal people is basically illegal in the Shen family, so they decide to hire a private investigator.
Enter Luo Binghe, a young man of humble background who is struggling to make ends meet after the untimely death of his adoptive mother, and is using his P.I. job and his online cooking videos to help pay his way through school (scholarship student). Usually his cases are more like, cyberstalking someone to find out if they're cheating on their spouse, or helping someone planning a lawsuit accumulate evidence on their corrupt employer, or other things like that. When he gets the Shen Yuan case, the idea that the Shen family's son is paying for "company" is well within his list of probable answers.
Though this one is a little... peculiar?
Mostly because Binghe can't find evidence of Shen Yuan actually getting what he would, presumably, be paying for. At first Luo Binghe just goes through the online paper trails, using the info that the Shen parents give him to figure out that Shen Yuan is paying Airplane and Swordmaster Liu (*cough*) what seem to be exorbitant prices just for trashy fiction and cosplay videos. He assumes this is a cover, that someone's actually delivering drugs or going over for "private meetings" or at least actually sending dirty videos as well, but even when he pays for Liu Qingge's VIP access it's just tutorials and such. Neither of these guys are even on any of the sites that are more lenient towards hosting explicit content. Luo Binghe's aware that kinks aren't always obviously sexual, but people don't usually pay through the nose for the kind of content they can easily find for free all over the place, either.
He digs a little more but keeps coming up empty on evidence to clarify which of the many vices the Shen family's son is actually indulging in. Which is a problem because that's the information they're paying him to find out. Plus his curiosity kind of piques as he reads Shen Yuan's seemingly quite invested comments on Airplane's writing and Liu Qingge's videos, looking to see if there's any kind of clandestine code or pattern. But near as he can tell, whatever else Shen Yuan might be getting out of these arrangements, he does genuinely like the stories and videos too? Well. Sometimes. Sometimes he's actually scathingly vitriolic towards Airplane's writing.
Luo Binghe decides that surveilling Shen Yuan himself is probably the way to go. That gets more complicated in court cases, but since the Shen parents just wants to know what's going on and aren't planning on prosecuting their son for anything, it doesn't matter as much if Luo Binghe gets information in sneaky or underhanded ways.
So, Binghe uses the account he created to access Liu Qingge's videos to chat with Shen Yuan a few times, and then recommends his own cooking channel. Shen Yuan doesn't seem too interested in cooking, so Luo Binghe makes sure to include a video that has an image of himself in his recommendation, and then films a few new videos of himself cooking with his shirtsleeves rolled up to three quarters and a few more buttons than usual unbuttoned, adopting a more flirty persona than he typically does for his shows. He takes his cues from some of Liu Qingge's more popular videos for how to be enticing bait.
It takes a few videos, but eventually Shen Yuan comments. Luo Binghe latches onto the chance to start talking to him, playing up a persona of a vulnerable young man with little means who is trying hard to make it through school, etc, and sure enough Shen Yuan seems interested. Well, most predatory people like vulnerable targets, don't they?
However... Shen Yuan just sends him a chunk of money.
Luo Binghe is confused.
Isn't he supposed to ask for something or create some kind of expectation of repayment first? But, maybe this is his approach to handling new targets. Maybe he's just trying to lull Binghe into a false sense of complacency, before he starts indicating what he wants from all of this. Luo Binghe makes sure to move the money Shen Yuan sends him into a separate account, so that if the Shen parents get angry about it then he can return it as a gesture of good faith.
But Shen Yuan just keeps sending supportive comments and donations. Eventually he leaves a comment that alludes to how badly he'd like to taste Binghe's cooking, and Binghe is like finally, but when he implies that they could perhaps meet in person and Luo Binghe could thank him for his support by making him something, Shen Yuan backs off.
Things eventually progress to the point where Luo Binghe, who is a totally normal person treating this like a totally normal job still thank you very much, is basically camping out in the bushes in front of Shen Yuan's apartment building. At some point he conscripts the aid of his weird cousin (finding his birth family was how he got into this business initially), and then almost immediately regrets it because Shen Yuan helps get Zhuzhi Lang a job doing landscaping for his building.
Why would he want Zhuzhi Lang close but not Binghe? Binghe is much handsomer! He'd make an excellent target for seduction! >:(
Anyway eventually Yue Qi catches Luo Binghe lurking around like a creeper and is like, finally, I have caught one of these suspicious men, whilst Binghe is like oh so he does have a lover, well this guy sucks and is clearly not good enough for him, and they both try and chase one another off and Shen Yuan comes home to a heated passive-aggressive-politeness war being waged in front of his apartment. Eventually he realizes the misunderstanding and calls everyone together (zoom conference? in-person meet-up?) to clarify that he is not paying any of them for "special favors", that was just Airplane being deranged about his sense of humor, and then he has no idea what to do when the prevailing response seems to be disappointment.
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