#times like these part 7
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Times Like These (part 7)
AO3
Beatrice was startled out of her slumber by Ava’s agitation. She stood up and made her way to the bed. Within two minutes she was in bed, holding Ava to her.
Their talk at the lake had helped Ava to get over the roadblock that was impairing during training. Now, she was able to tap into the Halo. It had helped opening the channel of communication as well. That being said, it hadn’t made a dent into Ava’s night time struggles.
Ava had yet to have a quiet night of sleep. Every single night since they had arrived in Switzerland, she had been tossing and turning, fighting off bad dreams. There had been three very bad nights when Halo had surged in the midst of it all. Most nights though, Ava was only crying in her sleep.
Beatrice was a light sleeper, so she’d always wake up as soon as Ava was becoming agitated. She’d hold Ava in a tight embrace and whispered soothing words. Sometimes Ava calmed down immediately, sometimes she’d wake up in alarm. Beatrice would simply rock her back to sleep, all the while assuring Ava that she was safe and everything was okay.
The light jolt and sharp intake of breath indicated to Beatrice that Ava had escaped the grip of whatever bad dream had plagued her.
Ava put her hands on the arm Beatrice had around her chest and squoze, as if to assure her that she was awake and Beatrice was really there. The gesture was familiar by now, in fact Ava did the same every time she woke up.
Beatrice felt the slight tremor of Ava’s body, she listened as Ava tried to get her breath slowly back in control. She didn’t prompt Ava to talk. She had on other occasions but Ava never wanted to, so she never pushed, not wanting to add to Ava’s distress.
Ava leant against Beatrice, resting her cheek on Beatrice’s forearm. The nightmare hadn’t seemed too intense, but whatever it was, it had rattled Ava because suddenly she was crying, her body shaken with silent sobs.
Beatrice tightened her embrace. She was at a complete loss. She couldn’t think of anything to say either. She had never been good at comfort. It wasn’t that she didn’t know when people needed comfort, because she did, she was very much an empath. It was just that she never knew what to say or do, to alleviate one’s pain.
This was Camilla’s area of expertise. Camilla always knew what to do or say to keep the morale up, to make things okay, give hope, reassure and comfort.
Well, that was it… what would Camilla do?
“The sun has gone and forgotten me…” Beatrice started to sing with a soft but unsteady voice.
Beatrice didn’t remember why or how the topic had come to be discussed, but she had once mentioned one of the very few good family-related memory she had to Camilla. One of the only good things she had preserved really: a song. One day long after having shared that memory with her, Camilla had sung it back to Beatrice when she was down and it had immediately lifted her spirits up, as if Camilla had known she had only needed a little reminder.
She didn’t know if the song would have the same soothing effect on Ava, but right now, it was all she had so, she committed to it in all her awkward glory.
“…somebody told me, I don’t know who, whenever you are sad and blue…”
She rocked them gently along the song, she was singing it slower, turning it into a lullaby.
“…Hang on things will be alright, even when it’s dark and not a bit of sparkling, sing-song sunshine from above spreading rays of sunny love, just hang on…”
Ava was emotionally exhausted. Just breathing was near impossible, emotions, like an anvil were weighing onto her chest. She couldn’t even put words to describe her bad dreams, but the feeling of dread, the cold sweat, the fear, the anxiety, the terror, all of it was real and tenfold.
She was surprised at the sound of Beatrice’s voice, but she gave it her full attention. If she was a boat caught up in a storm of terror, Beatrice was that hopeful lighthouse in the distance, guiding her back to safe shores.
“…and so I hold on to this advice, when change is hard and not so nice…”
Beatrice didn’t think she was a good singer, but kept on with her song if only because it seemed to have the intended pacifying effect on Ava.
Ava hung onto Beatrice’s voice and her embrace. She focused on the warmth, the softness; she let the song fill her, guide her mind back in the moment. She was safe.
“…if you listen to your heart the whole night through, your sunny someday will come one day soon to you.”
The song came to an end, but Beatrice kept on with her soft rocking motion. In a silent thank you, Ava delivered a lingering kiss on the forearm across her shoulders.
After a few seconds, Beatrice rearranged her position as the big spoon and Ava put her hand over the one Beatrice had on her stomach, entwining their fingers.
Ava eventually fell asleep again, Beatrice watched over her for almost forty minutes before giving in to her own exhaustion.
xxxOxxx
When Ava woke up, the first rays of dawn were piercing through the window. She wasn’t surprised at the fact that Beatrice was no longer in bed. It didn’t matter how many times Beatrice lull her back to sleep after a nightmare, she was never there in the morning. Ava wondered if she went back to sleep on the couch once she, herself, was asleep again.
With a sigh, she sat up and rubbed her face. She listened for movement but there was none, so she deduced that Beatrice was out for a morning walk or run. She got out of bed and started her own morning routine.
By the time Beatrice came back to the apartment, Ava had showered, dressed and made the bed.
“Morning,” Beatrice said when she spotted Ava eating cereals at the kitchen table.
“Morning.”
Ava took note of the light sheen of sweat and tilted her head when a thought occurred to her. “Don’t you think it’s weird that you go for a run before our training session?” she asked.
“Why is it weird?”
“Well, you always start our training session with a run… so if you go for a run before that run… it’s like… rehearsing a rehearsal,” Ava shrugged.
“I’m just… warming up,” Beatrice replied. “Besides, I need all the stamina I can get to keep up with you, because I don’t have an ancient artifact powering me up.”
It wasn’t a lie, Beatrice had to train herself on top of their regular training to keep up her shape. But if she was honest her pre-training morning run was just a way for her to clear her head.
She always felt unnerved in the morning after spending the night watching over Ava and holding her through the night. She knew things would have been different had she been in exile with Camilla, or Lilith or Mary. There was something about Ava. Their connexion had been different from the beginning, but it had truly changed when they had been training at Arctech to prepare their Vatican mission.
It was easy to ignore whatever that thing she felt was on a normal day, but their confinement, her worry about Ava and the constant proximity changed everything. Things long buried were trying to surface and Beatrice couldn’t allow that.
So, she ran. She pushed herself physically to keep her mind off it. By the time she was back, she generally felt centred again, in control.
“I do see your point, I still think it’s kind of weird,” Ava stated with a smirk.
“Whatever,” Beatrice rolled her eyes. “Let me shower and change, then we’ll go train.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
xxxOxxx
After their training they had come back to the apartment, stayed long enough to freshen up and have lunch, then they had gone to the bar for their shift.
After a long day, they were eating dinner, at least Beatrice was, Ava was pushing her food around. Beatrice had noticed how during the day Ava’s mood had improved when they had been training or working, but now it had shifted back to something darker.
Ava had a luminous personality. She was always upbeat as a general rule, seemingly finding something to smile about at every turn. Beatrice was no fool, she knew some of Ava’s joking and ‘can’t-take-anything-seriously’ nonchalant attitude was a defence mechanism, but there was also a genuine sense of constant wonder at the world around her.
Beatrice assumed that Ava was just catching up. After all, she had been confined in one room, prisoner of a bed and unable to feel anything for a very long time.
Ava was full of life so as a result, when her mood was down, it was unsettling and impossible to ignore.
“Not to your taste?” Beatrice broke the silence effectively pulling Ava back from her thoughts.
Ava looked up in a daze, then she seemed to realize what she had been doing. “No, it’s good,” she shook her head.
A memory of being force-fed a mixture so horrid it could barely qualify as food, and then being severely berated for avoiding it popped into her head.
“I’m sorry, I know I should stop being an ungrateful brat and eat, there are people starving…” she mumbled bitterly.
Beatrice frowned, surprised by the vitriolic words. She knew that tone though, enough to deduce those words weren’t Ava’s but had been drilled into her repeatedly enough to leave a mark. Beatrice had plenty of those toxic gems in the recess of her own mind, luckily, she knew how to deal with that kind of things.
“Actually, you don’t have to eat if you don’t want to,” Beatrice pointed out. She made sure to be gentle with her tone so Ava knew everything was fine. “There’s this thing called a food container and this even more amazing device called a fridge. The combined use of the two allows us to save food from being wasted.”
Ava hiccupped with amusement. “You don’t say.”
“Mind-blowing, I know,” Beatrice kept on with her teasing.
Ava stared at her for a long moment, her expression brightened a little but to Beatrice, the lightness seemed a bit forced. “I was talking to Hanz today,” Ava said non sequitur. “About what it was like to be a bartender. One of the things struck me as funny. He said something about people confiding in him and how there was this unwritten rule in the bartending world that as a bartender he was like a priest, bonded to secrecy.”
Beatrice listened attentively, waiting to see the point Ava was trying to make. “So…”Ava dragged the word out. “Technically, you’re a priest now. Well, a priestess.”
Beatrice felt her eyebrows trying to reach her hairline and couldn’t hold the surprised snort of amusement that passed her lips. She didn’t think Ava’s mind would ever cease to amaze her, with its unpredictability. “Right,” she nodded with a playful frown. “Anything you want to confess then, child?” she asked with a mock serious tone.
She had meant her question as a joke, so the abrupt mood shift confused her. The grin on Ava’s lips was sad and permeated with something Beatrice couldn’t quite identify.
Ava turned her attention back to her plate and started pushing food again. She did have a confession to make. The thought of it alone was like a thick dark fog coiling around her, slowly constricting her chest, cutting her air supply, squeezing fear and anxiety back to the surface.
On pure survival instinct her mind latched onto the first thing it could to fight her way back to a safe mental space. That thing turned out to be the echoes of Beatrice’s voice singing to her the previous night.
“The song…” Ava frowned. “What was it about?” she looked back up at Beatrice.
That second non sequitur threw Beatrice for a loop. By now Beatrice was used to Ava’s mind going in unexpected direction, but it was always a steady stream. Right now, it all seemed off, somehow.
Beatrice couldn’t explain the sense of unease that was nagging at her, she didn’t like it either. She wanted to ask what was wrong, but her instinct told her it was best to blindly hop onto Ava’s train of thoughts without questioning its origin or destination.
“It’s…hum…” she stammered a little before mentally shaking herself. “It’s about a sad little tomato.”
Ava nodded absentmindedly, the corners of her mouth barely lifting up in a failed attempt to grin. “I liked it…”
Before Ava could slip away in her thoughts again, Beatrice added. “My older sister used to sing it,” she paused and then shrugged. “She’d sing almost all the time and this one was one of her favourites. She’d sing it to me when I was upset, or to cheer me up or lull me to sleep.”
Ava’s attention was back on her food, she seemed mesmerized by the slow movements of her fork
“My mother used to sing all the time too. I don’t remember a lot but I remember that.”
Ava felt the familiar ache in her chest at the thought of her mother.
She had been seven when the car accident that claimed her mother’s life had happened. She had been old enough to have a florilegium of memories, but too young for those to be solid and fully timeproof.
If it hadn’t been for Sister Emelyne’s kindness, Sister Frances’ cruelty would have corroded all of Ava’s memories, reducing her mother to nothing but a fleeting, nebulous souvenir.
“Things weren’t…great at the orphanage…” Ava murmured.
Beatrice could count on one hand the instances Ava had mentioned her time at the orphanage. The one constant in those moments was the forlorn expression on Ava’s face.
Maybe it was because she had spent more time with Ava than the others but Beatrice had picked up on the unsaid and subtle cues; it was in some jokes Ava made with depreciating or acidic undertones, in the minute flinches at times as if Ava was expecting a bad touch. Many little details that could easily be missed had led Beatrice to conclude that Ava had been hurt emotionally and physically at some point.
“Every morning, for the couple of minutes when I was still caught in a sleepy daze, I’d think I had a crazy nightmare where I was paralyzed and alone because my mother was gone…” Ava’s chuckle was bitter. “Then I’d open my eyes only to realize that it was all real.”
The despair Ava had felt then was starting to bubble back up to the surface. She had cried so much during those first days, calling out for her mother every time she’d wake up.
Ava cleared her throat when tears started to prickle her eyes. “One day, Sister Emelyne, she was the kind one,” the fact that Ava had to specify the character of one of her caretaker only confirmed Beatrice’s suspicions of abuse. “She tried to reassure me by saying that my mom would never be really gone as long as I thought about her, remembered her…that only made me cry harder because I had already started to forget…”
Between the accident, being paralyzed, being told every day by Sister Frances how much of a burden she was, how no one cared enough to look for her, the souvenirs of her mother had been fading fast.
“The day after, she came back with a small box, no bigger than a shoe box. She had gone through the belongings that had been brought with me at the orphanage, what had survived the car crash. She had put things from my mother in the box, things that would help me remember.”
It hadn’t been much: a bottle of perfume, a silver necklace, bracelets, two journals – one full and one freshly started, a small sketchbook, a wallet and a book. Small precious treasures, the last traces her mother had left behind.
To Ava, the most prized items had been the journals, pieces of her mother’s mind, thoughts, hope, dreams and her struggles. They had found a dozen of photographs stuck in the pages; pictures of Ava as a toddler, pictures of her mother with people, of landscapes, picture of the both of them. Ava’s favourite picture though, had been used as a bookmark in the book her mother had been reading. It had been taken at her seventh birthday, the both of them beaming at the camera.
All of Ava’s memories had flooded back to the forefront of her mind upon seeing the objects. That day she had felt a tad bit better thanks to Sister Emelyne.
To this day, Ava doubted Sister Emelyne really knew how cruel Sister Frances was, but it was no secret that Sister Frances was feared and not well liked, so Sister Emelyne had made sure the box was well hidden and only took it out whenever she was the one attending to Ava’s care.
Now that box, Ava’s only possessions, was still hidden in the wall of her room at the orphanage, behind two broken tiles. One day, hopefully, she’d get it back.
“You know over the years, there were days I couldn’t remember my mother’s face or the colour of her eyes, but the one thing I’ve always remembered clearly was her voice. The sound of it when she spoke, when she laughed or sung.”
Ava looked up and smiled sadly. “She sung all the time. One of her favourite songs was ‘feeling good’.”
It had taken quite a while for Ava to find the name of the song. She sung it to herself a lot, she had forgotten the lyrics but the melody was clear. Sister Emelyne had surprised her one day with a tape with Nina Simone’s version on it, as well other songs Ava had been able to remember. That day, Ava had cried tears of joy.
“Birds flying high… you know how I feel,” Ava sung the first verse then stopped.
“Oh yeah, that is a good song,” Beatrice agreed.
Ava nodded. “It got me through the bad days.”
That song and the others had helped her mute Sister Frances’ cruel words. Ava had developed other ways to escape over the years, but during the darkest time, her mother’s songs had been the ultimate shield, maternal protection at its finest.
Once again Beatrice picked up on the unsaid. That last statement let her know that Ava’s bad days at the orphanage far outnumbered the good ones.
“I didn’t kill myself.”
If Beatrice hadn’t already known that information, that third non sequitur would have virtually knocked her out. As it was, even though she hadn’t expected them to go down that road, she was able to contain her surprise and keep up with Ava.
“You’ve told me once. I believed you.”
Ava’s jaw worked for a few seconds but no sound came. “I was murdered.”
Beatrice was so stunned by Ava’s statement, her mind went blank for several seconds.
“Sister Frances killed me,” Ava specified. “Those were the drugs in my system.”
Beatrice didn’t say anything, she had the gut feeling that there was more to that revelation.
There was fear in Ava’s eyes, but also something else. It took Beatrice a moment to pinpoint it, she frowned when it finally clicked.
Guilt.
Ava was ridden with guilt, but at this moment that didn’t make any sense.
For a second, Beatrice feared Ava would clam up but her silence turned out to be the perfect prompt in the end.
“I had a friend at the orphanage, my roommate, Diego.” Warm affection tinted Ava’s voice. “Sweet boy, we used to laugh a lot,” a smile lit up her face.
There was a long pause, Ava’s expression darkened again. “When I was running away with JC, I put all the pieces together. I finally figured it all out, how I died,” she continued. “And I knew, deep down in my guts I knew Sister Frances was about to do the same to Diego. I don’t know how I knew but I did.”
Ava pushed her plate away and balled her fists to cover the fact that her hands were shaking. “I ran to the orphanage and I made it just in time because… she was about to kill him.”
Bile was burning the back of Ava’s throat. If it hadn’t been for the Halo the outcome of that particular night would have been different, for all of them.
She bit her lips and looked at Beatrice. A part of her was screaming at her not to say any more. If she was honest, Ava dreaded what Beatrice would think of her once she knew what she had done. On the other hand, she couldn’t bear the weight of that secret anymore.
“I confronted her about murdering me, you know? Because it dawned on me that I wasn’t her first…”
A cold frisson ran down Ava spine as she remembered the feeling of horror when she finally saw the big picture.
“She laughed… gloating about having lost count of the years.”
Breathe. Beatrice had to remind herself to breathe. She needed to temper her emotions because she knew, she knew as dark as Ava’s story was, it was about to get darker.
“Years…years, Beatrice. Can you imagine how many…” Ava trailed off. “She went on saying that she was a saviour, giving her life to look after us, freeing our souls, releasing us into the arms of God…”
Ava heard the venom pouring from her voice. Anger was burning through her veins again, just like it did that night.
There was a pause then Ava cleared throat before continuing. “She murdered me again,” Ava let out a bitter laugh. “I’m probably the only person on the planet who can say they’ve been murdered twice.”
Everything came back full force. The burning of her lungs as they had ceased their function, her struggle to breathe, her whole body turning into heavy lead… life slowly and painfully leaving her body.
“I was dying while she laughed… she was literally cackling, enjoying herself…”
Ava shook her head to get rid of the souvenir. “Only this time, the Halo protected me, it brought me back again.”
That night and every day since, Ava has told herself that it was self-defence… that she protected Diego and herself. In spite of all that, she knew that what she had done was wrong. Also, she couldn’t deny that there had been a second maybe two, when her rage had taken over, when she had wanted to hurt Sister Frances. She had just defended herself afterward, but those two seconds had happened.
Ava looked at Beatrice. She knew that with her next words everything would change. She just hoped she wouldn’t lose her friend.
“I grabbed her neck…”
The words came out so low Beatrice had to strain her ears. When she registered them, cement settled in the pit of her stomach.
“I just wanted her to stop laughing… then she attacked me and…” Ava unclenched her fists, and stared at her open palms. Those hands had hurt and they were hers.
“I just wanted her to stop laughing,” she repeated with a hint of despair, she needed Beatrice to believe her. “I didn’t realise my strength…” she looked up at Beatrice again. “Her neck…” her voice failed her. She cleared her throat and plough on. “Her neck snapped… but I didn’t mean to do it… I didn’t mean to do it.”
Ava’s breathing shortened and became heavier as if there was little to no oxygen in the room. “I killed someone… that’s my confession,” she added in a rush with a glance in Beatrice’s direction.
The harder she tried to breathe and the more her lungs burnt from the lack of oxygen. Ava stood up abruptly and turned to the sink. She braced herself against it, certain she would empty her guts and, or, pass out in any minute.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared Beatrice for that bombshell.
Beatrice was overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions. Emotions she felt for Ava, on behalf of Ava and for herself. She took a deep breath, immediately shutting them all out. She’d have time later to analyse and deal with her feelings, now there was more important things to do.
She got onto her feet and silently approached the body slumped over the sink. Ava was heaving, her grip on the counter was so tight her knuckles were white, and despite her tensed, rigid stance, her body was shaking all over.
Although when on a mission, they primarily incapacitated or wounded whoever they fought against, Beatrice knew her hands had killed. More than once. She had come to term with it. She was a sister warrior and as such she had to accept that while Death was no friend, it was no stranger either.
In any circumstances, the strongest moral compass and the best intentions never truly justified taking a life. They did help to cope with it and appease conscience though. Still, a life was a life. Regardless of any other considerations, Beatrice was of the opinion that all lives should be valued equally. Thinking that some lives mattered more than others was a slippery slope toward extremes. Deciding who should live or die was a power that didn’t belong in any person’s hands.
Beatrice could tell Ava that Sister Frances was a monster with a God complex and no regards for life. She could tell her that although her action was not right, she had effectively saved herself, her friend Diego and who knows how many future victims. She could tell all those things.
She didn’t.
She didn’t say any of those things because she knew nothing she could say would alleviate that particular burden off Ava’s shoulders at that very moment. Ava would have to come to term with it on her own. Beatrice would help of course and be there every step, to talk it through and figure the path toward acceptance.
She gingerly put a hand on Ava’s back. Ava startled at the touch. Beatrice didn’t move, patiently waiting. It took a minute but eventually Ava dared to look at her. Amidst the maelstrom of emotions swirling into Ava’s eyes, guilt, fear and apprehension were the most prominent ones.
Beatrice cradled Ava’s face gently with her other hand then pull her closer. Ava didn’t resist and wrapped her arms around Beatrice in a bone crushing embrace.
Ava took a deep breath and the dam of her emotions broke loose.
Beatrice held on, solid as a rock while gut wrenching sobs shook Ava.
“In my dreams…” Ava hiccupped. “I’m paralyzed again… and she kills everyone… Diego… JC… and you and the others…” her breath was short and unsteady. “She’s laughing and… I can’t do anything but watch…”
Fresh tears doubled on Ava’s cheeks as haunting images from her nightmare came to the front of her mind. Every night, Ava was in her own version of Hell as soon as she closed her eyes.
“… and then she comes for me.”
On a good day, that was when Ava would wake up. On bad days, Frances turned into Adriel and if Ava was terrified when Frances was laughing and hurting people, there was no qualifier for when Adriel took her place.
Ava tightened the embrace trying to absorb Beatrice’s strength and warmth, letting it all wash over her and sip in through to chase away the cold of dread that was running into her veins.
Ava’s relief was incommensurable now that her secret was out. She breathed a little better. She knew it would take a long time before her action stopped haunting her (if it ever truly did), but at least now it would stop eating at her from within.
When she was confessing to Beatrice, the sound of bones snapping, how it had all felt in her hands…everything had come back to her so vividly she had felt sick.
She had expected bad things, judgement, words of reprimand, disgust… she had expected Beatrice to walk away from her. Instead, she had nearly jumped out of her skin at Beatrice’s delicate touch. She had been surprised when she had been brave enough to look up, only compassion and understanding had shone in Beatrice’s eyes.
It had taken the smallest nudge for her to melt into Beatrice’s arms, overwhelmed with emotion Ava had finally broken down.
Beatrice held Ava, she made sure she was breathing in and out slowly, subtly forcing Ava to match her, pacifying her. When she felt Ava’s fists unclenched around her shirt, Beatrice loosened her hold just a little bit and Ava pulled away and looked up at her.
They stared at one another. Neither spoke. Ava’s gratitude was silent but Beatrice heard it loud and clear all the same.
Ava took a step back, completely breaking their embrace. “I’m…tired…I think I’ll go to bed,” she announced with a small nod.
Beatrice acquiesced at her statement and watched her leave the kitchen. She took a deep breath, held it in then exhaled deeply. She’d need a moment to process everything, but not tonight. She chose to focus on cleaning the kitchen to keep her mind of the past few minutes.
She was finishing the dishes when she heard the bathroom door open again. She turned and faced Ava who was standing there awkwardly. With her slightly hunched posture and the way she was swaying from foot to foot, Ava seemed small, younger, to Beatrice.
“You know… you may as well share the bed with me from the beginning. That’s most likely where you’ll end up anyway,” Ava said with an uneasy chuckle.
Ava had a point, Beatrice knew she did, but… well, there was a discomfort she really didn’t want to dwell on. She didn’t want think about that tug she felt when she was holding Ava. It didn’t occur when she was focused on comforting her, no, it’d happen after, during the hour or so she’d keep watching over Ava after she’d fall asleep again.
She would feel the dull tingle of something warm and electric trying to bloom in her chest, in her whole being really. Something that felt good but that she’d instinctively want to repress because she could hear those nagging voices in the back of her mind telling her how wrong it all was among other things. She had spent a lifetime smothering those voices, burying them in the dark recess of her psyche. The very last thing she wanted was for them to be loose again, free, and loud.
Beatrice’s silence was unbearable to Ava. Sure, she had showed understanding and compassion earlier, but now that her confession had had time to truly sink in, Ava was overwhelmed with fear. Maybe Beatrice was disgusted with her after all, maybe she saw her as a monster.
She had just confessed to literal murder, and the thought of losing her friend over it was killing her.
“Do you mind sharing the bed with me?” she asked in one breath. “It’s just that… I feel better… safer when you’re near,” she admitted.
Ava didn’t wait for an answer and turned around to go to bed. She got on her side and forced her eyes closed. Maybe she’d fall asleep rapidly then and wouldn’t have to face an eventual rejection.
Tonight emotional rollercoaster had left her raw. She felt so vulnerable right now she knew she’d probably cry if Beatrice went to the couch. She needed her friend. And something as ridiculous and simple as sharing the bed would let her know that everything was fine, that nothing she had said had changed things between them.
Also, if she was honest, Ava craved Beatrice’s closeness right now. She hadn’t lied when saying that she felt safer with Beatrice by her side.
She heard Beatrice moving around the apartment for her night routine. The sound of the light switch echoed loudly in the silence when Beatrice turned off the light, then there was a long pause. Ava held her breath and sent a silent plea to the universe.
I feel…safer when you’re near
Ava’s words echoed in Beatrice’s mind. Whatever discomfort she felt was ridiculous and irrelevant right now. Ava needed her and that was all that mattered.
After a brief hesitation, she walked to the bed and lied down awkwardly on her back with her arms along her body. She felt tensed, and berated herself for it. She stared at the ceiling and concentrated on her breathing, trying to relax.
Should she hold Ava?
No, probably not, that would be weird. It was one thing to hold her when she was having a nightmare, it was another to initiate that kind of contact out of the blue.
The relief that washed over Ava upon feeling the pressure on the bed, was indescribable. After a couple of minutes, she rolled over to get on her other side so she was facing Beatrice. She cradled Beatrice’s hand in both of her own.
“Thank you,” she murmured.
She made out Beatrice’s little nod in the darkness and felt the small squeeze around her fingers. That was all the assurance she needed. Those gestures, as small as they were, let her know that nothing had changed between them, she still had her friend.
She still had her friend.
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The songs are 'Hang on Little Tomato' by Pink Martini and 'Feeling Good' by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse (Nina Simone and Michael Buble both have very cool interpretations).
Thanks for reading
#ava silva#sister beatrice#ava x beatrice#avatrice#warrior nun#warrior nun fanfic#warriornun#warriornunfanfic#ao3 fanfic#warriornun fanfiction#times like these part 7#timeslikethese fanfic#times like these fanfic part 7#times like these
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crossing my fingers and wishing upon every star that chapter 10 finally brings us the tweel cards 🤞🤞
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#just because of the context and what i'm about to wildly go on about#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 9 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 9 spoilers#god i wish this turns out to be a spoiler#anyway#i think it's safe to assume at this point that the next story card will be one (or both??? 👀) of the twins#do i DARE hope#i mean chances are just as good it's gonna be jade wearing a big mushroom costume or something#but you know what i'll take that too#and as long as i'm sitting here at the corkboard for crack theories#i have noticed that vil and jamil's dreams both got their use out of their travel event backgrounds#like tapis rouge HAD to have been specifically timed to come out before vil's chapter so we would have some context for that#and look. we know who's coming up next.#so...is it possible that maybe...coral sea event is finally coming?!#are there fishboys on the horizon?!#i don't want to get my hopes up. but also i very much do#august schedule is gonna come out with two training camps and a master chef rerun and i'm gonna dissolve on the spot
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You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side
#m/cc#mine#I tried extremely hard to word this nicely because I KNOW people don't mean bad and often even know there are unique challenges#and believe me I know the challenges of invisible disability too!!#I have invisible disabilities!#but as someone who has also been at least visibly 'off' since they were 10 I am SO SICK of invisible disabilities being hailed as like#a unique extra oppression that us lucky visibly disabled people don't have to deal with#there are challenges to invisible disabilities that visibly disabled people DON'T have to deal with!#but you need to understand that *the reverse is also true*#there are MASSIVE benefits to being able to lie about your disability for example#or not dealing with the overt ableism that comes with your disability being obvious to everyone#*I do not have the option to pretend I'm not disabled.* that is never an option I have#I walk weirdly. I use a mobility aid now. my speech and face are 'off.' I lean to one side#for a long time I wore sunglasses 24/7 and often didn't make sense. I sometimes can't speak or won't react to others#for the most part people will always know that at the very least something is wrong with me#and more obviously I have people telling me they'll pray for me; telling me I can't do things I'm already in the process of doing;#wanting to shake my hand to tell me I'm an inspiration for not killing myself; giving me dirty looks for existing in public#and yes. I'm aware that this is very much an in-community issue. I know the average abled person doesn't know invisible disabilities exist#that's why there's so much awareness happening for it#but as a visibly disabled person I get SO TIRED of constantly hearing 'I wish my disability was visible :'('#it's just 'I wish I had your disability!' but from other disabled people
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figure skating set right now please. thanks
#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#emu otori#proseka#tsukasa tenma#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#GUYS I AM PUTTING OFF WORKING ON MY COSPLAY SOMETHING STUPID. im tireddddd i like sleeepingggff i want to play and drawwwww#after work I literally ate a giant bowl of mac n cheese and climbed into bed. lifestyle choices of a 9 year old#anyways i want figure skaitng set. bad. PJSK HAS A WEIRDLY LOW NUMBER OF ACTUALLY WINTERY SETS... like 3. kind of.#i have some thumbnail sketches but im kind of stumped on composition for them. my idea was a nene focus set#(IF HER NEXT FOCUS ISNT PHANTOM OF THE OPERA THEMED INWILL DIE. BADLY. THEYRE GOING TO AN OPER AHOUSE. PLEADBR)#originally my idea was for nene to be biting a medal i was very sold on it bc i love nenes competitive side#however her outfit is so nice i want it to also be part of the art .. its heavily inspired by that one iconic eunsoo lim dress#from her somewhere in time program iirc. im really undatisfied with emus dress tbh my origimal idea was to give it a phoenix look#but a lot of the firebird/phoenix skating programs have very sleek dresses and i want emus to be fluffy. the balance is hard ..#and since i want her program song to be once upon a dream from sleeping beauty i swerved to make it look a bit like auroras ? but again#it definitely feels like the weakest of everybodys ... maybe i just love her too much and want her to look the best. sorry wxs.#tsukasas outfit is supposed to look like a shooting star. easy. program music moonlight sonata 3rd movement like from dazzling light. easy.#actually i like takahashi daisukes moonlight sonata program its a medley of the 1st and 3rd movement.. i think the calm at the beginning#is best. maybe smth like that.. for his card inhad him doing a haircutter spin but again. the outfits good i want the outfit visible. damn.#ruis the one im very set on even now. girl why are you so phantom of the opera.#it has a lot of beautiful programs to reference but the outfit i didnt really have any solid reference i kind of just balled#my main idea was to make it look a bit like both christine and the phantom.... gender Fluid.#my yapfest... i should be SEWING!!!!!!!!#despite my yapping im not that well versed in figure skating i cant really distinguish jumps i just like it . and medalist#i only do normal skating. bc i played hockey for like 7 years LOLLLL inlove skating though Heart.
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2.12 Chimney Begins - 2.09 Hen Begins - 2.16 Bobby Begins Again - 7.04 Buck, Bothered and Bewildered
Tommy's family arc
#911#911edit#911 abc#911 show#911 spoilers#911 season 7#tommy kinard#evan buckley#evan 'buck' buckley#kinley#bucktommy#kinkley#tevan#pick a ship name you guys and thanks for picking tevan the most correct name#anyway analysis time!#looking back with Modern Knowledge tm about why tommy acts the way he does in the past... babygirl you were so closeted I'm so proud#babygirl was back there getting into narnia#he was so resistant to letting go of the pseudo-family he'd found at the 118 in chimney begins#even tho it was a good old boys club that he knew he really didn't fit into he was making himself fit because at least it was something#but then he let chimney in and then hen came around and he saw a very queer person being openly queer and not giving a fuck what they think#and I think his behavior in that episode was trying to support hen as much as he could without outing himself#because like. how do you give up years of relative safety with people who do care about you they just won't like you anymore if you're *you#then he meets buck in s7 which is like 10-20 years later timeline is fake and he's like oh. this is what unconditional family is#and he's like oh. maybe I can come back. maybe I can be part of this again somehow. maybe we've both grown enough#or at the very least he'll be close to something he never believed would really happen for him#rant over tevan my beloved tim minear pillow cold both sides god bless#my edits
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I come back for a hot second (and go into hiding pretty much right again) with some redrawn screencaps of what I'm watching currently!! 👀 All I have in me are the sillies-
#one piece#straw hat pirates#tony tony chopper#roronoa zoro#sanji#cat burglar nami#monkey d. luffy#from those scenes I picked you might be able to guess where I currently am on my rewatch 👀#I NEEDED SOMETHING SILLY GUYS#and since I've seen opla I was like. what if. what if I do continue to watch it#(I originally have only watched one piece up to water 7 - maybe parts of the timeskip and sabody - that was YEARS ago)#I also need to add that I LOVE NAMI THIS TIME AROUND AAAAA#also sanji my pathetic wet kitten#CHOPPER!! ZORO!! LUFFY MY BELOVED#also I have not been sleeping on usopp guys
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english translation book 5 baby we are in the ‘people assuming kid form hua cheng is xie lian’s son’ era 🔥🔥🔥 / follow for more hualian silliness
#so the part of the book where kid hua cheng suddenly sits bolt upright#because he senses something in the room#and this 7 year old is just 👁️👁️ and radiating immense killing intent#hes so fucking funny 😭#i love him being weird and strange and offputting#‘dianxia why does the high schooler that hangs around your house sometimes have glowing red eyes and know things he definitely shouldnt#and crush things into dust with his bare hands and seem to hate the sun an-‘ mind your own fucking business#drawing baby hc was so much fun i hope i do it again soon#the secret is that xie lian is JUST as deeply weird as his husband but in a less obvious and threatening manner.#guy who has to keep his internal monologue internal because he is thinking things like “wouldnt wanna get choked by those hands!”#out of every god character he is the one who seems to have changed the most from immortality#dying presumably hundreds of times and being alone for hundreds of years does something to your brain#“xiao hua why does your cultivator talk weird and wear the same clothes and eat the same food and-” HE IS AUTISTIC!!!! AND JADED BY THE#PASSAGE OF CENTURIES!!! YOULL NEVER KNOW WHICH IS WHICH!!#my art#tgcf#tian guan ci fu#hualian#hua cheng#xie lian#art#tgcf meme#mxtx#天官赐福#lmao#hob#heaven official's blessing#the people have spoken...
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she’s like if the virgin mary smoked a pack of pall malls every day 🚬
#sims 4#the sims community#simblr#ts4#sims 4 edit#mysims#drawing/editing these tears took actual years off my life#editing this in general did but the tears were my hell#her name is norma jean named after her grandmother but she goes by either jeanie or jj#she works at the local convenience store and bartends at night when shes able to pick up shifts#shes the worst bartender in existence and refuses to lift anything over 2 pounds#she once convinced a customer to buy her a sweater because she looked a little cold while working#she lied and said her manager never lets them turn on the heat and casually mentioned pennys was selling her favorite sweater#and then described in detail exactly where the sweater was in the store#all she had to do was blink her big brown eyes and call them baby a few times and they immediately folded#she goes to church 7 days a week even though she hates it because that's what she did when her mom was still alive#and its one of the few things that helps her feel close to her mom#her mom died after she had to drop out of highschool to take care of her#she holds a lot of resentment for having to give up such a big part of her life#but at the same time blames herself for not being able to make her mom better#she doesnt believe in banks and hides money around her house to store it but she's also super forgetful#she'll randomly find money around the house and then treat herself like it was present she meant to leave for her future self#she loves crosswords but treats it like a fun game and refuses to check if her answers are ever right#there's ur fun little facts about jeanie 🫵🏼
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Uhm is Chimmy Changa doing well? Its seems he has started to divert from what changelings are supposed to do and act like is the static not staticing correctly is he become aware that something is wrong?
Diverting? Well we can’t have that!!!!
Don’t worry. I’ve increased the noise since our last interference. If it happens again, we will issue a good reset!! Thank you for your report.
Bitties Series: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]
#fairly oddparents#fop#fop a new wish#fop timmy turner#fop mrs turner#fop timmy#chimmy changa#timmy turner#mrs turner#tw verbal abuse#tw victim blaming#tw parental abuse#asks#hrm hrm hrm hrmmmmmmmmm#thank god chimmy came back to me in time for me to finish this big update#i think after this there's only 7-8 more updates left#for this specific part of chimmy's story#it might stretch more depending on the asks though#but otherwise the plot moves forward!!!!!!#oh fun fact. i just discovered that not every place clenas out their driveways!#i grew up with my family cleaning out our drive way bcs of car oils#but other places have garages where they store their cars so they dont have to clean the driveway!!!#wacky!!!!!!!!#anyways the turners clean out their driveway pavement bcs theyre classy like that#got the best house in the neighborhood!!!#and on timmy's dime!!!!!!!!!!!!#itty bitties fop au
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Have you ever been curious about the EnStars MC Anzu, what she does in EnGirls and EnStars, and what information we could gather about her from each story?
For Paradise's 10th Anniversary, I made an "Anzu Story Breakdown doc" where you can read what she does & any info about her in each story🌸⭐️‼️ (twitter post)
(currently doesn't contain EnStars stories, but they are in progress and will be added once they are finished per year)
09.14.24 - Added EnGirls and extra materials 09.15.24 - Added story names in the outline for easier navigation 10.08.24 - Added the following ES! stories: Marching Band, Sweets, Duel, Hero Show, Tanabata Festival, Pool Opening, Test of Courage, Restaurant, Quarrel Festival, Holiday, First Shrine Visit, Amusement Park Show, WANTED!!!, Robin Hood, Passionate Carmen, Sweet Halloween, Beasts, Buddy
#mh talks#ensemble stars#ensemble girls#engirls#enstars#anzu enstars#anzu ensemble stars#i kinda felt like posting it on tumblr too just for archiving purposes#made specifically for anyone who wants to know how much anzu there is in engirls but can't be bothered to read the stories#i did the homework for the team o7#i wish i could have finished the Era ! part before her unofficial birthday but theres just so much going on for me in sept-oct that i just#can't find the time to read#did i make this most specifically bc i hate how people throw tomatoes at reika and sakura for causing her to transfer when they#regret it with all their hearts and anzu doesn't even hate them for it? mayhaps#if i had a nickel for every time i made a Reading-related document for my brown haired girl fixation i would have two nickels#yeah i know the engirls section is missing 7 stories IM WORKING ON IT!!!
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“Take my hand” pages 5-11
1 - day 2 - truth - 3
#nmweek23#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#i spent all yesterday shading and lettering these your boy is so tired BUT IT WAS WORTH IT#in which i cram way too much into way too little and yet way too many pages for a single day#my sincerest apologies to them on their day but i will make it up to them i PROMISE#‘prove it’ you’ll NEVER GUESS what happens next :^))))) (<-guy who is extremely predictable)#phoenix is so strong because if miles looked at me like that i’d be going crazy and im like a known enemy of edgeworth#see you guys in like 5-7 business days on part 3 o7#fan art#aa#fan comic#rendevok#OH OH ALSO there’s like a whole fucking essay i could write about these pages esp wrt light and also The Hands but youll have to ask for it#just know that if you see something… there was probably a reason for it!#ok thats it fr this time
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just some doctor/clara: [17/∞] very platonic twelve/clara (part 2) / (part 1)
#doctor who#dwedit#whouffaldiedit#moffatedit#twelveedit#claraoswaldedit#whouffaldi#twelveclara#doctor x clara#otp: you will never look any different to me#jdc#**#gifs#look what's finally here!!!#and it only took me 7 years... well well#7 FUCKING YEARS#WHAT IS HAPPENING TO TIME????#anyways i'll definitely do a part 3 of this#i'll try to take less than 7 years now#the last gif is SO BIG there's like 350 frames
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queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎
I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers#coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate#and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much#legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening#i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all#so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!!#i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early...#not to mention everyone's dreams?!#i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through#and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems#but i am excited to see everyone regardless!#and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know.#i do but do i want to.#man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was#what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there#lilia: here silver i made dinner :)#silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD#ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it#come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great
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Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 4: Deranged Bedfellows
(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.5)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mdzs au#lan wangji#nie huaisang#Yungmeng Jiang training arc AU#This is the *first* part of what was supposed to be a much longer comic (LWJ's morning routine in full).#I'll finish the remaining part as a reblog to this post! I just think this is the funnier chunk.#Lan Wangji absolutely is the kind of person who has a perfect internal alarm clock for when it is time to get up.#He already has a dedicated sleep schedule. He is accurate within 10 seconds of 5am every day.#I think the Jiang disciples are most likely used to waking up around 6:00-7:00am#But the allure of having a guaranteed time keeper getting you up in the morning is worth the earlier hour.#I imagine they started outside lwj's door and slowly moved closer as the weeks went on.#Now LWJ has to cope with being way too warm in the night from all the extra body heat.#LWJ is not a fan of this but they scamper off immediately after he wakes up and they at least show initiative to follow routine.#NHS joins in only because he is a chronically heavy sleeper and needs this level of intervention to get up early.#His boldness would be a death sentence in the cloud recesses but here? Whole new game.#Yungmeng Jiang isn't a lawless land. It's just a land with different laws.#And one of those laws is to forcefully domesticate the catboy coded Lan boy through any means necessary.#Completely different tangent: I drew the thumbnail for this before I did comic 134. I then realized they had the same visual gag.#So I had to space this one out so it didn't seem like I repeated the waking up joke. That's my secret and all of you have to keep it.#And in my land the law is that snitches get itches (telepathically transfers hives onto your body)
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Okay but it's super interesting how
Din = Power = Ganondorf
Naryu = Wisdom = Zelda
Farore = Courage = Link.
Because Din, in the hylian creation myth, created the physical world. Naryu then created the laws - gravity, time, etc. And Farore finally created life - plants and people.
Din created the body, naryu the mind, Farore the soul.
And the triforce and its wielders so perfectly reflect that.
Ganon is physical power, he is big and intimidating and he breaks things. He is cunning and determined, but that's not what he focuses on. He is might makes right.
Zelda is wisdom and cleverness. She is stall tactics and information and team work. She is a powerful mage with a spine of steel, but that's not how she'll win. She is the pen being mightier than the sword.
Link is courage and persistence. He is the wild card sneaking behind enemy ranks, always moving, plunging into terrifying situations head first. He's a phenomenal fighter with a keen wit, but that's not what will get him through his challenges. He is bravery not being the absence of fear but the triumph over it.
They sit in perfect parallels to each other.
And ganon is reborn through his body - his resurrection is immortality. No matter how low he is cast, as long as he has a body he can claw his way back. He can cling to his power, build it ever higher.
Zelda is reborn through the magic of her bloodline. It's the accumulated knowledge handed down for generations, the unique power she must master, the skills she must develop to survive and get her kingdom out the other side intact. Even her name, the knowledge of herself, is handed down from all the way from the very first. Her ancestors knowledge of her future presence, her stability, is what gives her the edge.
Link is reborn in spirit. He is not bound by flesh or blood. Just like his wanderlust soul he can reappear in any time or place. His variation, his unpredictability, is exactly how he fights. It's what makes him so hard to pin down.
Ganons need to build strength means he can't chase after link. Links impulsiveness means zelda can outwit him. Zeldas stationary predictability means she's an easy target for ganon.
But the other direction?
Fire melts ice, ice redirects lightning, lightning burns fire.
And that's the very essence of the triforce.
#It's little details spread across the games like this that just makes it work so WELL it's SO COOL#They're all great at all parts of the triforce but they CHOOSE to focus on the path most meaningful to them#And that's literally reflected in their unique cycles of reincarnation isn't that just AMAZING#And that's why the team up is so important! If they were all working against each other they'd be locked spinning their wheels#If zelda and ganon teamed up link would immediately die and if link and ganon teamed up zelda would instantly perish#It's the link zelda team up that means ganon is the one who kicks it#Also the elemental thing was cool but they do jump around a bit. Like wind is there half the time#In botk the gerudo have lightning and the goron have fire. Farosh still has lightning tho and dinraal fire#In ss lanaryu was the lightning and faron had water like its all over the place thematically. And that's when it's only 3!#Don't even get me started on the 5/7 lots notankyu#But that's the most common group and it's also thematically accurate#Fire being the only one able to self perpetuate with fuel. Can be banked up again. Ice compresses with time but needs the right environment#Lightning go boom 👍 you can feel the static in the air but you don't know when/where it'll strike and then it's all over#Like fr it's hilarious zelda and ganon are playing the long game and link runs past eats all the pieces and while ganons yelling after him#Zelda checkmates his king. And nobody can prove she wasn't cheating because nobody was looking lmao#Ah the duality of metaphors#ANYWAY isn't that so neat???#Reason no.372 why rhoam was a terrible king he didn't just screw up he did it ✨thematically✨#If link had been allowed to run off and get dirty and if zelda was allowed to study her interest (like post kingdom fall FOR EXAMPLE)#They'd have won (like aoc) but nooooooo. I've already made a post (or 3) about it lmao I'll be quiet now#loz#legend of zelda#botw#triforce#loz link#the legend of zelda#zelda#loz botw#ganondorf#loz ganon
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i was getting ready for another day of spying and murdering, practicing my interrogator death stare with my piercing blue orbs. just then, enabran tain came in. “pack your things.” he said. “i’ve sold you to pay our debts. meet your new owners, the crew of deep space 9.”
#sorry. blame the person who made a version of this for 7 and voyager. I simply could not resist.#saddest and funniest part of A Stitch In Time is how he just keeps getting sold like this his whole life. to Bamarren. to the Order. to DS9#king of having zero agency ever <3#Star Trek: Deep Space 9#Elim Garak#A Stitch In Time#Starky's Original Posts#Starky's Text Posts#unfortunately this stupid post really is extraordinarily funny to me.
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