#time again and again until I die
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running-in-the-dark · 1 year ago
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starting to realise that damn maybe there really is just something fundamentally wrong with me
I have more dumb shit to say about it but you can only have 30 tags?? that's some fucking bullshit. anyway tl;dr: fictional characters not real, I'm depressed about it, I'm a mess my life's a mess everything sucks, I'm crying, life sucks. I've got issues.
#I don't want to be dead#I want to be alive but. not here. there's nothing that could happen in my actual life that would make it good enough to be worth it#I feel so fucking pathetic and gross and broken but the only people I want to be with are fictional#I can't even do the fandom thing and make friends that way. I don't want to talk about them. I want to be with them and nothing else#I'm just. stuck here and I'll never be happy and there will never be anything that I want as much as that#it's so. fucking. pathetic#but like what is there in real life. what could happen that would be good enough. I'll finish uni one way or the other. I'll get a job.#maybe we'll be able to have our own house someday#and then? what then?#it'll happen over and over again. I'll fall in love with these fictional worlds and these fictional people and it'll break my heart every#time again and again until I die#there's nothing else. there's nothing that I want. nothing in real life will ever feel that good because. obviously it won't. it's real.#it's not perfect it's not made up by me specifically to be everything I want#I can't rewrite the same scenario over and over again in my mind until he says exactly the right thing to make me feel better#I'll never have these perfect friends or this perfect guy or this exciting but safe life because it's. just. not real#I just#I don't know how I can keep doing this#I'm so tired#I can't keep feeling like this#it feels so fucking bad#how goddamn embarrassing is it to be an adult in your 30s and just. lie in bed sobbing until you fall asleep because your fucking fictional#crush isn't real and your fictional friends aren't real and you'll never know what happiness feels like#because it can't even get close to the fucking joy you feel when you think about them. it's everything#it feels so fucking good just for a moment and you need it over and over again but you know you can never have it#I'm driving myself insane#genuinely insane.#to the point where every time it gets worse. every time I get these feelings I feel higher and lower than ever before#it feels better and more intense and more amazing. then I realise I still have to be here. I still can't go away. and it feels like dying.#every time a part of me dies.#it's so fucking silly. I know how melodramatic this all is. oh wahh life is so boring and I'm sooo sad over these fictional people I'm gonn
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deklo · 10 months ago
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cat+laila<3
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daphnalia · 9 months ago
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and they were galpals
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equill · 9 months ago
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The promise you kept.
Extra panel: (liked this version too.)
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moving on to sakumo.
Panel 1: Handprint (an older drawing to share)
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Panel 2: Punishment.
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what if they went for kakashi to hurt sakumo instead.
decided to dump the rest of the drawings together, but the tone shift whiplash is real (I shall do it again)
Comic 2: Bias? Not at all.
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extra:
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He’s just in a silly mood (he feels no remorse)
Comic 3: Did you say something?
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fun idea, kakashi actually picked up his behavior from his father (sakumo version is staring people down, while kakashi is verbal)
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notyoinara · 3 months ago
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day 2 - ALIEN STAGE
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zorionbbq · 1 year ago
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sujimon, subzero sonata, redraws, etc!
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kristalijah · 1 year ago
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HE'S CHECKING OUT GARY!!!! I REPEAT, HE'S CHECKING OUT GARY!!!!
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ria-starstruck · 21 days ago
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and also "putting everyone in a simulation will make it all ok 👍" and also "let's park next to this random system's sun" and also "we can't live on our own planet because of our own folly" and so on
#and also an inablity to accept the inevitable...etc etc#i thought of some more but then i forgot them 😋#originally wanted to post this with other sillies but then i was like. well i dont wanna spoil anyone on either a these games so erm. ya#nine sols#outer wilds#nine sols spoilers#outer wilds spoilers#outer wilds echoes of the eye#echoes of the eye spoilers#echoes of the eye#if youve played nine sols could i recommend outer wilds: a space exploration game where u play as a cute and short lookin alien whos#unraveling the mysteries of their solar system although there isnt any combat and although there are horrors theyre not like. well.#nobodies bein harvested thats for sure. and its very much about the story#and if youve played outer wilds uhh. i. dont really know if i can recommend nine sols even though i Can summarize it as a game where u do#explore and there is space and u Are an alien (from a humans pov) and you Are cute and short (from a humans pov)(until u learn the horrors)#and there Are horrors but erm. well. shrug emote. it Is a combat game thats the primary reason#the horrors are less the horrors of space and how easy it is for you to die and the idea of said causes of death and also the unknown. and#more the sins of some REALLY fucked up cats. ethically dubious science sins. actual guts bein spilled. i mean i aint actin like the warning#of the game id recommend lookin those up. sure is a game tho (i cried)(just like w outer wilds)#feels like i could recommend a non combat game to a combat game player easier than the other way round#the theoretical combat game player would be capable of playing a non combat game right#feels harder to imagine the other way around. then again i Did find outer wilds mechanically difficult at times in a way that combat games#can challenge me. so. shrug#all that matters is if u enjoyed the dialogue n interactions in nine sols...if u didnt vibe w that then im unsure how much outer wilds woul#vibe for you. etc etc#idk why i started typing up a whole ass recommendation in the tags. anyway have at ye#idk who'd read this far but i salute you FSDHLFSDHKSFDH
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beneathtreemomo · 11 days ago
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Names Amongst the Dead
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I got another commission from @sakura-rose12 of Kit!!! Beautiful boy and 3/4ths of his qpr (plus also his eventual boyfriend. No, I will never make a straightforward relationship. It's too fun to make them deep and meaningful, unable to be explained through words. Law is the last fourth if you were curious lol, he just didn't fit in with the theme) Have a one-shot to go with it :D -----
Kit's back hit the wall hard, causing him to stumble from the awkward angle as his and Alvarus’ legs found purchase on the steps.
Cold metal pressed against his skin; Kit froze, making the wise decision not to move.
"Oh?" Kit asked, fighting the urge to tilt his head. "I thought we'd gotten past you pulling a sword on me."
“Highness…” Alvarus breathed, a shaky awe to it that never really went away.
It made Kit huff as he smiled down at the ex-knight. “Hi, Alva.”
Brilliant sapphire eyes melted, Alvarus' sharp-edged smile turning into something softer. The distance between them was already small; Kit could feel Alvarus’ breath against his skin, knew that if Penguin or Shachi caught sight of them, he'd never hear the end of their teasing.
“Are you well?” Alvarus asked, without fail.
“Better than ever.” Kit replies, always.
A beat passed as Alvarus’ gaze studied Kit. He always made sure Kit wasn't lying to him, especially after the one time Kit had genuinely tried, and Kit could never find it in him to be mad about it.
He sighed as he determined there was nothing amiss; Kit chuckled as Alvarus seemed to collapse against him, knocking their foreheads together.
“Stop worrying me, please,” Alvarus mumbled, rubbing his nose against Kit's. His body was warm, a comforting blanket against the chill of the winter island's sea. “You’re one of few things I have left from our home. I don't think I could handle watching your vivre card try to burn a second time.”
“I’ll do my best,” Kit said after a moment, feeling the sword drop away as Alvarus sunk into the embrace. “But I can’t make any promises. You know that.”
Now that he could properly move again, Kit lifted a hand to tangle it in Alvarus’ hair, fingernails lightly scratching at the base of his neck. He returned the nuzzle, pressing his cheek against Alvarus' before pushing back his hat with a gentle hand.
Alvarus' eyes closed as he leaned into the touch with a soft sigh. “Why must all of you Lagthas be so difficult?”
Kit chuckled, pressing his lips to Alvarus’ temple. “Runs in the blood, I’m afraid.”
----
“Hey, Sabo, I—whoa!!”
As soon as Kit stepped foot into the room Sabo had chosen during their stay, a hand had wrapped around his wrist and yanked him inside.
The door was shut with a muted thud, though Kit barely managed to notice as he was slammed into the wall just next to it.
“You!”
For a moment, all Kit could see was Sabo’s jacket and the frills of his cravat. Then Sabo leaned down, caging Kit in, and his eyes were like fire.
Kit’s heart skipped a beat, unease settling low in his gut.  “…Me?”
“Were you ever going to tell us?” Sabo asked, voice low. “About who you really are?”
The unease turned into lead, sinking and pulling Kit down with it. “This is who I really am.”
“Liar,” He hissed, leaning in closer. Kit felt rather than saw Sabo’s hand moving, and with a jump he raised his hands between them to try and placate the fuming man. “I know that you’re a prince!”
Shit. He’d been afraid of that answer, even though he’d expected it. Kit really should start to know better.
“Well, sure, but—"
“Is this just a joke to you?” Sabo asked, hand pressing just enough into Kit’s side to keep him pinned. Something slipped in his voice, cracking and splintering with the confirmation his findings had been right; Kit hadn’t looked away from Sabo’s gaze at all, but only now could he see the grief and panic at the edges of his eyes.
Kit’s heart sank. “What? Sabo, no. Why would I be joking about any of this?”
“Because that’s what all nobles do in situations like this,” Sabo hissed, lips curling into a snarl. “Lie and trick us, just to hurt us behind our backs.”
“I’m not lying!”
“Then why didn’t you tell us?! If you hurt my brothers the way you hurt your people, Prince, I swear—”
Tears pricked Kit’s eyes at the low blow, heart hurting like he’d been stabbed. He shoved Sabo away and was, admittedly, a little shocked that Sabo let him. “What the fuck is your problem?!” He shouted. He knew it was too quick of a flip, but he'd thought Sabo of all people would understand, and instead he was being accused of wanting to hurt his friends.
Sabo merely stared at him, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Kit didn’t move away from the wall, but now it was his turn to snarl at Sabo. “Look in the goddamn mirror! You’re a nobleman from birth, too!”
“Watch what you say next.” The harshness in Sabo’s voice sent a shock of fear down Kit’s spine, but he didn’t stop.
“Oh, don’t be such a hypocrite.” Kit snapped back, standing tall even as Sabo’s glare sharpened back into something dangerous. “I’d already run by the time the kingdom fell; your research showed this, I know it did. Everyone knows Prince Rori disappeared three years prior."
He scoffed, feeling words he didn't want to admit spill from his mouth without his say. “What, would I be in your good graces if I had stayed to be Haesgard’s toy? Or gone back to be a lamb to the slaughter the second I caught wind of Valstasia’s fall? Forgive me for doing what my mother and Lavi sacrificed themselves for.”
He didn’t notice the way Sabo’s anger faltered as he spoke, eyes growing wide with dread as the implications of things not even the Revolutionaries would have found out slipped from Kit’s lips.
“I thought we were friends,” Kit continued, glaring at Sabo through watering eyes. “You said you trusted me because Ace and Luffy trusted me. Didn’t realize it was so easy to lose, too.”
Fed up with the conversation—annoyed because he’d actually been excited to see Sabo during this mission of his, only for it to turn into this mess of a shouting match—Kit shouldered his way past Sabo to the door.
“I’m not like those nobles you grew up hating. Don’t talk to me again until you figure that out.”
Sabo stared at the door, almost wishing Kit had slammed it shut. It would make it easier to dispel the anger still thrumming in his veins, maybe even get rid of the guilt that started settling in his chest.
That… wasn’t what he expected to happen.
Looking back, it should have been.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, fingers lingering on his scar. “Shit... I just messed up, didn't I?”
....He really should have known better.
---
Kit headed back to his room, a slight skip in his step. He’d managed to convince Law to lay down and nap, finally, and Cora had promised to keep him there until their captain could form coherent sentences again. Tang had surfaced for a while, as well, to let in some much needed fresh air and get the crew some sun.
Mostly, Kit was just glad they were headed away from Wano, and he could spend one more day not thinking about the situation looming over his shoulders.
Except, now he was thinking about it. Dammit.
His steps slowed. It… was okay to wait a few more days, right?
It was too nice a day to think about existential dread, and he didn’t want to worry Law when he woke. After that whole mess of an island, none of the crew needed to worry about him and his decades-old problem. It had waited this long—it could wait a little more.
But there had been that letter….
“Hey, Kit, what’s got you all broody?”
Kit startled, a tiny little yelp managing to leave his lips before he shut it down just as fast as he looked up.
Ace stood there across from him, hands in his pockets and an easy smile on his face. “Cat got your tongue?”
“Ace!” Kit breathed out a sigh of relief, leaning back against the wall. “Don’t startle me like that!”
“Sorry,” He said, completely unapologetic, “Being a ghost does that to someone, I’ve learned.”
Kit laughed, having to admit he had a point. “That’s fair. But your fire’s usually a lot louder than that, so I’m surprised you hid so well.”
“Hm.” Ace came closer, concern creasing his brow. “I don’t know about that, Kit. I think you’re just… distracted. You okay?”
No, but Kit’s pretty sure he hasn’t been for a while.
“It’s nothing,” He promised, tasting ash on his tongue. “Just thinking, is all.”
“Ahh, I see.” Ace nodded, humming thoughtfully a moment later. Kit raised a brow as he stepped into his space, resting an arm above Kit’s head. “Well, how about I help you stop thinking for a bit, hm?”
As he spoke, Ace brought a hand up to take Kit’s chin between his forefinger and thumb, stroking Kit’s bottom lip. Kit huffed a laugh at the action, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Oh? And how are you going to do that?”
“I’m sure you could come up with something, eh, Enchanter?” Ace all but purred, eyes locked onto Kit’s. It made Kit’s heart race, excitement thrumming to life in his veins as Ace leaned ever closer—
Only for Ace to yelp as he suddenly fell through both Kit and the wall.
Kit burst out laughing while Ace let out a dismayed cry, covering his smile with his hand as Ace righted himself. He turned back to Kit, all charm replaced by a sheepish smile and heavy flush down to his chest that had Kit’s heart turning to mush.
“Guess that didn’t really… go well, huh?”
“No,” Kit disagreed, still giggling as he lowered his hand. “No, I think it worked exactly how you wanted it to.”
Ace pouted as he readjusted his hat where it had fallen askew. “But I wanted a kiss.”
With a smile Kit walked past, flicking the string of his cap up to Ace’s nose as he did. “Don’t worry, we’ll get you back in your body eventually. I’ve got a lead.”
“Wait—really?!” Perking up much like an excited dog, Ace cheered and ran to give Kit a giant hug.
Only to fall flat on his face as he, once again, went right through. Kit’s laughter was heard all the way up to the sundeck.
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xxplastic-cubexx · 3 months ago
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May I offer you a hastily drawn picture to wish you a good get-through-the-week? :3
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HELLO ??????? HELLO hot gluing this to my eyes IMMEDIATELY thank you so much i feel myself becoming stronger already
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vani-ash · 6 months ago
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Saw this on tt and wanted to share it Via TikTok
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professorjirt · 9 days ago
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believe it or not my obsession with Thorin isn’t just bc I adore the way he was acted by Richard Armitage or even his relationship with Bilbo. I admired him as a character before that. It’s bc he’s such a quick and succinct summary of Tolkien’s philosophy, that is present in an expanding way in the rest of his works. His final words are some of my favorite lines I’ve ever read since I first read them in middle school. He, in tandem with Bilbo, show this beautiful dichotomy of worldviews, and how each influences the other. And ultimately Thorin is such a perfect literary tragedy, his story feels like it could not be executed any other way and feel as strong. He’s a great intro, a fantastic precursor to Lord of the Rings, and something of an irony when reading the Silmillarion, from the perspective of beings who allegedly were more in tune with nature. It centers the world perfectly on why the hobbits matter. And despite less dwarves being present for the rest of Tolkien’s writing, they remain ever present in the narrative for the effect they have in the first book. At least to me.
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sparklingchim · 7 months ago
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#can i yap for a moment#im extremely sleepy but im feeling very upset and mad and confused#also lowkey questioning whether me feeling all that is justified or if i am overreacting#anyway#made out w a boy tonight#and he wanted to go to his place#and i was like no i wanna stay and dance with my girlies#and he gets upset??#asking why i'd kiss him if i don't wanna hook up and i said i just wanna have fun?#made me feel so stupid#that anger in me led to a little fight with another boy (who was unfortunately very cute) and i just wanted to punch him#i just hate when boys think they're so superior#so i argued with this stupid but hot man#until an ex? friend shows up and he was pretty drunk just yapping about things#anyway he basically told me he'd like to rekindle our friendship#but not in a heyy haven't talked in so long let's meet up again#it was in a heyy let's hang out again got a new big car and moved out of my parent's house 😋#which gave me the ick bc that's why we aren't friends anymore and i told him no multiple times#and got sad bc he was one of my closest friends#anyway and then we left the party#this guy pulls me aside the parking lot#and i was so embarrassed bc there were so many people and they were all looking and i could already see people gossiping about it#and i just wanted to die#and then he just CONFESSES??#gives me flowers and all which is saur saur cute#but i legit have zero feelings for him </3#and have commitment issues and have never been in a relationship and don't wanna be in one#actually grosses me out thinking about relationships </3#the confession was so random and i kinda lost another friendship? even tho i wouldn't rlly consider him a friend we just share sum classes#but yeah boys are so stupid and confusing and i dunno how and why i get myself into these situations :') m sorry just needed to rant </3
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opens-up-4-nobody · 18 days ago
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...
#do you ever think about the way thinks die? i dont mean bodies. i mean the idea of things.#when a building was a place where people went and worked. somwtimes thousands of them. and then the people stop coming and the idea of the#the place gradually dies. and people start to forget. the writing on graves wear away until theyre just empty pillars#marking the location of someone that no one remembers. someone whose name will never be spoken again because all of their#impact has been washed away. how an object you poured your whole life into can suddenly become a scrap of technological trash.#how the bodies of a million plants and animals hundreds and millions of years old. compressed into soft smearing#sedimentary rock can be burned away to ash. obstructing the sky over point pleasant where 46 people died in a bridge collapse 10 days before#Christmas and people only remember the mothman. dying towns and dying building and dying ideas. i do this dumb thing all the time where i#declare the death of ideas. sometimes to myself. sometimes out loud. i dont thibk anyone knows im doing it. i just give them a 'so it goes'#bc i read slaughterhouse 5 in high school and couldnt shake the repeated decorations of death. i was going to read a book today. so it goes.#my mom was going to fly out and take care of me when i got my wisdome teeth out. so it goes. that place used to be a glass factory but the#y abandoned it 20 years ago. so it goes. life is a sequence of dying ideas. living by falling through a corpse. and its not that im in#dispair about it. its terrifying and sad that nothing lasts and change is the only constant. and i grieve for the dead things that will#never be known. the things that were born in the dark. were never seen and then died there. but there's something about the process of#living and dying that i find deeply compelling. to watching something spin into life and then sputter out to nothing. and that every other#thing to ever exist is on the same trajectory just at a different timescale. i dunno. theres something beautiful in that. and theres#something beautiful in thinking about all the dead and dying things. at least. i think there is...#unrelated
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mrmeepsmadmind · 2 months ago
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cliffjumper wip. still need to draw his bestie bee bcs i refuse to pit two queens against each other
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rip my wife. killed bcs her smokey cat eyed slay was TOO loud 🤫 !!
#bulkier sharper bumblebee my Beloved#cliffjumper except emphasis on the cliff#i think he should have spiky climbing boots that can unsheath bigger spikes like that hot guy in spongebob#movie#LOL#so hes taller than bumblebee#but his thing is that he can clear cliffs with a single jump#and can also rocket jump too#a poor aerial decepticon flies by minding its business and all a sudden cliffjumper leaps str8 up into the air#and slices it in half with one kick#nobody says anything bcs they think bumblebee did that LMFAO#so bumblebee is just sipping hot coco when rubble after making some for him & rubble & rubble runs into the kitchen#bee: how was your day today my sweetiesparkling!!!😊😊!!#rubble: MOMMA URE A CRIMINALLLL🎶🎶 (criminulll)#bee: 😀🙂.... i beg your pardon -😃?#anyways i do not blame deathsaurus for craving that cookie so fking bad#and mirage for being in love with cliff after cliff was out for fking blood for his spark#in my eyes cliff is very much the soldier without the charisma bee has . theyre very foils but also best friends#he does not get sarcasm he does not have time for toning things down he loves shedding energon doesnt matter whose somebot will Die#& bee is like haaha cliff OF FUN of course haha🥰🥰😥🥰 <- is also covered in the energon of his enemies#basically cliff is like if bee didnt mask his autism all the time LMFAOO but they both envy each other secretly but still love eachother#if bee hears someone call cliff red bb he will lecture u until generstions end & if he hears u say it TO cliff u WILL die#if cliff hears u making fun off bee it doesnt matter if u were 8000ft away just casually mentioning ure not a fan of him.. cliff will Find u#deathsaurus: ive been dreaming abt k*lling u over & over & over again haha i know im so crazxyyy 🤪 lol😝!#cliff: thats fucking cringe + ure a loser + ure ugly + im Killing you + die#cliffjumper#tf#maccadam#transformers#transformers bumblebee
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we-are-not-afraid-92 · 27 days ago
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anyone else out there who can’t stop thinking about orlok in the sunlight and going kind of feral because oh my god he looks so beautiful but also he’s about to die horribly ;_;
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