#till my last breath

[taylorthrift]

Grief is a terrible, incredible thing.

To most of the people here I'm an erratic fan. Shouting into the void about lost love, Taylor Swift, my gender identity, ai-doom. Each post I make takes a little more out of me and fewer people interact with me.

Only a few mutuals even understand who I am and why I'm here. This is the real, authentic me. This is a LONG READ.

When I came to Tumblr, I was grief-stricken, sobbing for the end of a 20-year relationship. Most of you are pretty young and I'm sure the idea of that is incredibly distant and impossible. Love is hard_HARD_ work.

Throughout our relationship I'd pour my heart into music and then that music into him. When we were younger it was Avril Lavigne, then it became Paramore-then it was Taylor. I didn't have the female voice to express the love to my partner that I wanted to so these womens' words became my words. A way for him to really hear me.

Near the end of the relationship, this was through Folklore specifically. When I needed desperately to feel a connection it was Invisible String. When I wanted him to see how desperately I wanted his love and attention it was Mirrorball. When I felt neglected and forgotten about it was Hoax. When I knew my depression would never leave us it was Peace.

After we split, I couldn't pour myself into that music anymore; now there was no-one to listen to my voice. I was heartbroken doubly and started screaming my grief into the void. It was 20 years, besties: 20.

I've always felt what I call art debt. It's the idea that the people who do art that moves you are owed part of the emotional movement it inspired. Basically, the people who have moved you with their art deserve to know that. Not with some generic 'your art inspired me', but the very specific: "I am who I am because of this art."

It helped make me who I was as a professional. It helped me express who I was as a lover. It built me into someone greater than I had been before.

I came to Tumblr to say thank you, hoping with some small hope that Taylor still lurked and might be able to hear the message. Taylor wasn't the person who found me and helped me in my flailing grief, it was Abby. A disabled girl half my age and suffering worse than I am.

It was Swifties who were there to catch me and help build me up. It was Dani (@meaningtotellyou) and Abby (@whydoifeelthisquiet) and Kelly (@alwaysleadstoyou) and Jam (@maryssongwhen). (with dozens of tiny interactions along the way)

If I couldn't say thank you to Taylor directly, I'd take care of some of the girls who were devoted to her. So, I stayed. I endeavored to be the Taylor that you all seemed to need.

I helped Dani and her friend get to Metlife. I sent little love letters of hope and optimism to girls who were lonely and sad. I bought off some people's debts. I volunteered to give an extra dress I had to Isabella(@missegyptiana) when she lost her luggage. I reached out continuously trying to find ways to help make lives better. I didn't do this to gain anything: most of these I did anonymously. I did this because I cared about these girls now.

Their stories deserve to be told. Their lives deserve to be better.

I learned of the ticket issues. I learned of the scamming. I spent hours researching what was going on and trying to help elsewhere against Ticketmaster. I spent hours with a lawyer. I called the federal government. The pile of Swifties that I was trying to help grew, but the number who actually knew anything about me shrunk.

Caring and being attentive to the updates and individual life struggles of 4 Swifties was hard. When it was 40 it was untenable. I kept going.

I'm not giving up on any of you, but it is killing me to be doing this alone. I am disabled. I am grief stricken. I am stretched thin. My options are to give up on you all or keep going till I burnout. Maybe you don't care about me-I don't really need you to. As someone who's had Taylor speak for her for 10 years, let me speak for her for once:

I need you to care about each other.

The world is mean and hard. Worse going through it alone. Especially if you're marginalized. Band in. Stop broadcasting and start talking to each other. You are all wonderful in your own ways and you wouldn't be nearly as lonely with each other as real friends.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry if I don't shut up about AI worries. I'm sorry if it seems like I want something. I'm sorry I'm not actually Taylor. Maybe you aren't used to seeing someone actually care about your wellbeing and happiness? The erratic behavior is just fragments of me struggling to survive while not giving up on you.

I want to see you all shine. I want people to see this so people see you. Taylor's already done more for me than I could pay back in a hundred years. I don't need anything from her other than help to take care of you all.

[muisley]

computer bug......

[showsandstuff]

The more stupid takes I see about Charlastor and its shippers, the more inclined I feel to just start shipping it myself 💕

[mintsandapples]

THE ONES WHO LIVE – CAST DIARIES – 1X3 "BYE"

Andrew : Never say that to Michonne, you know what I mean? 'Cause she pulls you out of a helicopter... which frankly is one of my favorite ends of any episode we've ever done. Danai : If we don't get to a place of truth, who cares? We'll probably survive that water. We'll probably survive this drop, we're close enough. Let it happen because – I cannot function with this man in my presence being this way anymore. We've got to find a neutral ground and it will never be neutral ground in the custody of this military.

[vroomvroomwee]

I don't think some of you should be coming down on Aziraphale so hard for his decision and I'm going to point out something not enough people take into consideration.

Just think of the circumstances he was in. He got offered a deal that could fix pretty much every single problem they have and that could consequently make both him and Crowley incredibly happy.

At least that's how he sees it. It all comes crashing down once he realises that that's not what Crowley wants. That it's not that easy for them to have that perfect life. Having that opportunity and then it being ripped right out of his hands. Just look at how giddy he was when he was telling Crowley, after which he straight up went into denial and refusing to listen to what Crowley has to say, because this. would. have. solved. everything.

But... it's not what Crowley wants. And it's not as if he can make him go with him to Heaven (thank god) because he's not that kind of person. He's not possessive or controlling. And more than anything he loves Crowley and up until that moment he had the perfect means to make him happy. And now it's gone.

So not only does he have this earth shattering realisation about Crowley and what he wants he also now has to deal with what he himself wants. Now if anyone knows how it feels to be in such a stressful and agonising dilemma over something, you will probably feel and emphasise with Aziraphale pretty hard in this scene. Because this is where old coping mechanisms start to hit. This is where he falls back on something reliable, something he can trust will make the right decision, and that is his old belief that Heaven is to be obeyed and that it can do no wrong, that is still so ingrained in his instincts and decision making. This is where his trauma comes into play.

And he fights it.

How fucking strong do you have to be to be able to fight your own gut feeling, that has been trained and created for millions of years. He actively tries to tell the Metatron "no" multiple times, shame that the Metatron is a master manipulator and doesn't let him the opportunity, but he still does it nonetheless.

(This is the part I wanted to point out) This boy had to make a life changing decision that would determine how he would spend the rest of eternity itself. And he didn't even have 10 minutes to make it.

He had only minutes to make this decision. Imagine the sheer soul-shattering heart-rending turmoil that has been going on inside him. The sheer panic and dread he was probably feeling.

And despite what millenia of training and what his thoughts and logic were telling him, he still followed his heart, he still chose Crowley... until the Metatron sensed exactly that and told him about the Second Coming.

Well, now that made things much simpler. His happiness or the universe. And he sacrificed himself. Again...

And to top it all off, he had to fucking smile. He has just lost everything he loves, earth, the bookshop, crepes... and Crowley. No. No, it's more than that. After Crowley's confession he realised he lost everything he never even had. Utterly and completely alone. And he cannot dare shed a tear. How. Fucking. Strong. Do you have to be to be able to do that.

[romanticatheartt]

I hate it when people say Feyre, mated a high lord but Nesta was mated to a gym bro...

You mean Feyre Archeron? The savior of Prythian, the Cursebreaker, Defender of the Rainbow, Cauldron-blessed and the first high lady in the history?

And Cassain? Lord of Bloodshed, Warrior-heart, Lord in Good Deeds and the general of the biggest army and court in Prythian?

Put some respect in the name of High Lady of Night Court and her general!!!

[peachyswoon]

Why are there so many people hating the series??? I mean, it's a 100+ chapter book getting adapted into a 12 episode series. Of course, some things are going to get cut out or skipped. The books is veryyy slowburn, the series need to engage the audience a bit more, so yeah, it's more fast-paced, but I think they're making a pretty much good job overall, the cinematography is absolutely stunning and the actors are just. NAILING the role. So yeah, I don't mind a few changes here or there because the scense of the novel is there, so please give a chance to the series!!!!!

[purplecelestial-buddy]

It's so funny to me that the fandom has come to see Hirano as a Sasamiya promoter of sorts because while he is, it took him some time to get accustomed to the idea of them together. And while he was never a hater Sasaki's actions towards Miyano certainly used to get on his nerves.

At first he was so worried and probably even felt a little guilty because (as mentioned in the following screenshot) because the only reason why Sasaki knows which class Miya is in, is thanks to him.

But like, that's not the face of a friend that's happy to play cupid and get their two acquaintances together. Not at all, that's the face of someone who puts his sempai-kouhai relationship with Miyano over his (pseudo) friendship with Sasaki.

Hirano from the first chapters would have jailed Sasaki if he were allowed to. (And he has his reasons, Sasaki has been something since the first chapters)

Anyway, the progression of events is really interesting.

He started, quite literally, shielding Miyano from Sasaki.

Then, he came to accept their relationship.

And at the end he really was rooting for them, to the point he ended up outright lying just so Miyano could meet Sasaki and they could talk it out and confess.

[starlitrise]

people who get mad at ursa for forgetting azula and zuko piss me off. she didn’t WANT to forget them specifically, just the horrible things she went through in the fire nation due to ozai. why get mad at a victim for wanting to forget that??

same with people who blame her for being banished. zuko would have literally died and ozai threatened to chase her to the ends of the earth if she ran away with them both. she wasn’t the evil and cruel mother people try to make her out to be.

[shrublub]

pshaw! but thanks. i think you’re pretty, too.

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

[firemenenthusiast]

i actually blame emerald for giving farleigh SO little screentime that people look past his annoying bitchy attitude. people seem to have forgotten that he was miserable after felix died hence i just know that he’s actually very sensitive. like if he trusts you enough you get to see his very lovely side that people wouldn’t believe you if you told them about that side of him. he’s a very reserved person and if you can’t see that it just means that he doesn’t let you

[tired-and-panicked]

At random moments for the last 3 days, I remember watching Charles cross that finish line while Alex Jacques gave the most poetic final lap speech in history, and I will just start quietly sobbing my brains out.

[lingy910y]

[daddyricsdoll]

Ahhh he’s so pretty!! Too pretty and I’m more flustered than I should be. He is sooooo gorgeous I will never get over him! And his eyes are the ones I want to wake up to. I need words to describe his beauty but they don’t exist for such a human.