#thrice now i guess lol

[bmpmp3]

post ankle-twisting clarity

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)

anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says

anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with

anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)

where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered

Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)

and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people

all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything

anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea

and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers

tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me

(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results

[comeonharold]

Anyone else ever be like hmm I could pass as straight now and that would be fine per say but I want to make other queers I might encounter feel like home or make a homophobe uncomfortable so it's time to change my hair

[jiminie-and-his-pinky-finger]

When you cant sleep cause

✨ thoughts ✨

[kalims]

kiss your best friend | diasomnia

kiss your best friend and see how they react!

parts. one , two , three , four , five , six , seven

characters. malleus, lilia, sebek, silver

content. gender neutral reader as usual, mentions of murder by lilia's cooking, someone faints lol

note. finally last part after ten years /j

malleus

goes absolutely silent but his surprise is definitely there -> eyes widen, brows raise on a miniscule scale. you'd think the guy would be all lowkey about his joy but five seconds later and there are comical sparkles surrounding his face.

I mean. you had to formally confirm that you two were friends before, and you had off-handedly linked his name and best friend in the same sentence a few months later (he was bursting for like a week.) and now all that?

thrown away, nu-uh. you two are NOT friends no more, he doesn’t have a single care in the world. he's throwing the friends label off a cliff with his foot and skipping off with joy cause you just got upgraded to the next ruler of briar valley wink wonk.

or perhaps you'd like being referred to as his consort? he can always make the people refer to you as both.

if you're wondering why he's so silent all of a sudden; malleus: already thinking of how he'd decorate the castle when you move in with him. maybe... he can break down the wall to link your two bedrooms together—wait no he'd very much like to share the same room instead..

"child of man, do you prefer violet or green?"

"uh... green...?"

"excellent choice, you have my gratitude."

the thing you should be asking is 'why' because it's either the main color theme of your wedding or the gem he'd engrave on your ring (he's very happy it's green though, since it'd be a constant reminder of him.. oh he knows! he should get his a color of your eyes too—)

someone stop him.

lilia

spiderman kisses spiderman kisses spiderman kisses spiderman kisses

more knowledgeable than malleus about the level up of relationships so he doesn't jump from best friends to newlyweds immediately. actually he doesn't even need a label, if you're going around kissing him he's just gonna act like you two are a married couple without a confirmation on your status'

"darling, could you hand me the sugar?"

"lilia, I hope you know that you're supposed to use salt for the sauce not sugar." <- *passes the right bottle*

ignoring lilia's attempts on lives he acts pretty normal.

ahem, besides the fact that your first kiss on him has made him come to the conclusion that he can now incorporate kisses in your daily routine since you've already done it, so apparently that means he can too.

kiss him once, he kisses you thrice I guess. it's either the occasional jumpscare from the ceiling since he felt like reminding you of his love through a pack or the times you blink and feel a sensation against your lips without seeing anything cause his affection can be silent as it is loud you suppose.

pov student you were speaking to who definitely saw that but you didn't midst your blink: 😨—

"lilia are we dating."

"i suppose it would make us more official like you humans like, so of course~"

he just accepts it without any complaints, just announce you're spouses and he'll accept that too probably.

#chill

silver

if we have spiderman kisses surely we can have the sleeping beauty kiss?

sleeping beauty kisses sleeping beauty kisses sleeping beauty kisses sleeping beauty kisses

I reckon he would be a pretty light sleeper though the quantity of his sleep is more often than not so even though he accidentally passes out a lot he's really easy to wake. trained to be vigilant and all, courtesy of his murderous father (well, murderous through food?)

he knows the weight of certain things. a blanket draped over him, the feeling of something squirming on his shoulder—a squirrel, most likely. something on his head, a bird or some other critter. but this?

a light press on his lips, gone as quickly as it came. that, he isn't sure of. the animals don't tend to linger around his face so the unknown origin of it has curiosity opening his eyes.

and boy, he is trying to find every reason to not believe that you didn't peck him.

perhaps they touched it? he furrows his brows lightly, attempting hard at trying to avoid your gaze because he feels guilty at his first assumption, you're his best friend! you wouldn't do such a thing..

"did you touch my lips?"

"nah, is it fine that I kissed you?"

"..."

"..."

*passes out*

is he dreaming?

sebek

in what scenario will sebek even let you near him? hmmm.. I suppose being 'best friends' (he calls you self proclaimed, and that you guys aren't that close but still rages over someone and hits them with an essay why you're so much better than their insults) makes you more tolerable around to be closer.

totally not the fact that he might have a crush on you, which can't be right cause he can't be capable of having feelings for a *gasp* human!

scandalous. he knows.

raises a brow when you do anything but be discrete with your intentions of shuffling closer but he doesn't really double back, okay. he's getting a little concerned now when you continue getting closer, he takes a step back not because you're near or anything but this behavior is... just strange.

you're in his face already and before he can question (loudly) what in the seven's name you're doing before you just casually peck him on the lips?

WHAT IN TARNATION!

stiffens up immediately, his face looks like it's holding in a yell. maybe that's why it's getting so red? he's just standing there with shoulders so tense he looks like he's trying to seem big.

"..." WHAT JUST HAPPENED. DID THIS HUMAN JUST.. NO, WE ARE MERELY BEST FRIENDS—are we even friends.. NO! THIS IS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE ACT TO COMMIT. THIS HUMAN NEEDS TO KNOW BOUNDARIES. I mean he enjoyed that and all—I mean what..

"why are you so quiet."

if only you knew.

[dkfile]

forgiveness (i would redo it all if i could)

❛ sure, the joy you exhibit is at his expense, but he can’t bring himself to care. jaemin would walk on burning hot coal if you asked him to. ❜

word count | 7.0k (7,009) genre | fluff with slight angst, humour, pining, idiots 2 lovers lol ━ fratboy!jaemin

the five times jaemin begs for forgiveness apologizes — and the one time you get a taste of your own medicine.

★ warnings | vomiting, humiliation (? not really but), alcohol consumption, and characters jumping to conclusions ★ author’s note | i wrote this instead of studying and it initially started as a drabble but the moment i finished the first part i realized i would just have to keep going. so i did. hope u enjoy this monster ❤️‍🩹

one.

The air reeks of hard liquor. You feel it stick to your skin the moment you step inside the frat house, trailing behind Lia as she zigzags her way through the crowd and into the kitchen. She’s a creature of habit, always following a routine, so it doesn’t surprise you when her first order of business is getting the both of you a drink.

Still, the vodka does nothing to contain your nerves. Bitterly, you eye Lia from the corner of your eye as she makes chit-chat with some friends from her Psychology class; she promised this party would put you out of your misery, but you have been here for all of three minutes and your misery has yet to be put out.

You had hoped — prayed — the trashy EDM and stench of sweat mixed with booze would have a quick effect on your aching heart, that it would snap you out of the wallowing you’ve been doing for the past two days, that it would make you forget about the 25 text messages and 10 missed calls you’ve left unanswered.

But, alas, here you are.

Lia makes quick movements out of the kitchen after spotting another friend of hers, gripping your wrists as if you’re a felon and her hands are the cuffs, and this frat, with its roaring partygoers and sticky floors, was your own personal prison. She casts a brief look over her shoulder, notices your expression has yet to change from the scowl you sported the moment you stepped outside, and eyes you with apologetic pity but does not loosen her grip on your limbs.

“Lia!”

She stops, quickly hides you behind her. You’re about to bite out a response before your face falls at the sound of the greeting that falls from Lia’s lips.

“Hi, Donghyuck.”

“Lia! How have you been?”

“Mm, great,” she replies, curt, but Donghyuck waves off her behaviour. He either doesn’t care about it or is too inebriated to do so — your guess is the former.

“How’d you do on that Psych test? Question three had me fucked up.”

“Kind of like how you are right now?”

Over Lia’s shoulder, you catch a glimpse of Donghyuck’s eye roll. “Ha ha, very funny,” he says before bringing a can of beer to his face. He gives it a shake, signifying that there’s still liquid in it. “I’m still on my first can.”

“That’s nice, Hyuck,” Lia sighs. “But I have to go, I’ll talk to you later? Chaewon needs me.”

“Oh, Chaewon! I haven’t seen her in forever. Where is she?”

Donghyuck begins to scan the room as Lia says, “Over by—” his eyes land on you peeking over Lia’s shoulder, “—the beer pong table.”

The excitement on his face falters, he blinks thrice, and as if snapped out of his reverie, his grin turns smug. Lia’s voice dies down as Donghyuck glances over to where a group of frat boys, rowdy and energetic (are they fighting for the title of life of the fucking party?) while he muses, “Haven’t seen you in a bit, Y/N.”

“I saw you last Friday,” you clear your throat when you hear the hoarse scratch in your voice. “Besides, I’ve been busy.”

Sarcastically, Donghyuck says, “Oh, I’m sure.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing in particular,” he smiles, looking at you for a brief moment before returning his attention to his frat brothers. He makes eye contact with a boy, fading pink hair appearing orange under the lights, heavy eyelids opening fully at the sight of you. “It’s just weird, isn’t it, that I haven’t seen you since Friday?”

“Not… really?” you furrow your eyebrows. “We don’t have any classes together.”

He gives you a look. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

At the sound of quick footsteps, Lia glances to her side. At the sight of the very reason you’ve been holed up in your room the entire weekend, she tugs your wrists.

“We should go,” she says.

“Wha— why—?”

“Y/N!”

You jump far enough to release Lia’s hold on you. Donghyuck’s laugh is silenced by a stomp on his foot; the expletives he grunts at Lia goes through one of your ears and out the other — as people’s words often do when Na Jaemin enters your vicinity and punctures your comfortable little bubble.

He’s a sight for sore eyes — so, so beautiful, with his shirt half-tucked into his baggy jeans and a bajillion rings adorning his fingers. He gives you a smile laced with careful excitement, as if you are something to be cautious about, a ticking time bomb.

And suddenly, you’re transported back to Friday night, sitting in a restaurant in the fanciest getup you’ve stolen from one of your friends. Everything buzzes around you. You swear your senses have been heightened — you catch every pitiful glance, hear every sympathetic whisper, smell the desperation radiating off your chest.

Despite all of this, despite all your prayers for any sign of fortune, your phone screen stays black. Void of any texts or calls or even Instagram notifications.

The waiter, ever patient and remorseful, takes slow steps to your table. You take this as your sign to leave.

You ignore the first apology Jaemin sends eight hours later, and all the following others.

Over the noise, he shouts, “Can we talk?”

Your hands find Lia’s. “We need to go.”

Jaemin’s hands find yours. “Y/N.” He lets a drop of pathetic desperation taint his voice. “Please?”

“We have nothing to talk about,” you say.

“I’ll take five minutes.”

You don’t know what it is that gets you to give in. Maybe there’s a small part of you that wants to believe him. There’s a sliver of hope you cling to — like a child begging his parents for a new trinket while he stands in the toy section of a store — and it’s the reason for your downfall. It’s why you even said yes to him in the first place, sitting in the atrium of one of the science buildings as you both waited for the rainfall to stop.

Before you two had split ways, Jaemin had promised, “You won’t regret it.”

And yet…

Still, despite these broken agreements, you nod, allow him to take you to the porch despite Lia’s wariness and every voice in your head shouting at you not to.

He slides the glass door closed, muffling the noisiness of the party in the process. You shiver at the sudden gust of wind.

“Do you want a jacket?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“Really? Mine’s only on the couch, it’s no trouble—”

“Jaemin, I’m fine,” you bite.

The venom is enough to get him to back off.

The silence that falls between the two of you only lasts a few moments. The alcohol has made Jaemin jittery and impatient, but he’s soft in the way he says, “I’m sorry.”

You huff, placing your cup of fruit punch on the porch. “What for?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Well... isn’t it obvious?”

You tilt your head, leaning over the railing as Jaemin centres his hip against it. He faces you, drenched in remorse, and you face away, engulfed in humiliation.

“I guess it is. But I want to hear you say it.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there on Friday,” he murmurs. In the corner of your eye, you see him inch closer, and your skin begins to tingle at the sensation — but then, with words sharpened with knives, he adds, “I’m sorry for standing you up.”

Shame washes over you like a pail of cold water on a hot summer’s day. This is what you wanted, you remind yourself, for him to admit it. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting any less.

“Okay.”

“Y/N,” he almost pleads. His hands twitch at his sides, begging to touch your shoulder, your face, your hands, anything. The vodka doesn’t mix well with his regret and he thinks he might vomit if he doesn’t find something to anchor himself back to Earth. The railing isn’t enough — he needs you.

But he has enough self-control to back off. He hurt you, he shouldn’t be allowed to touch you.

“You know, you flirted with me for four months,” you begin, voice wavering. “And I thought you were excited for the date. I mean, you looked excited.”

“I was.”

“Well, not enough to show up.”

“Y/N, come on—” he takes a step towards you, grips the railing a little harder. His stomach growls at him to stop moving. “Just let me explain. I just need a couple minutes, that’s all. And then you can decide whether you still want anything to do with me.”

You glare at him, though it’s not sharp enough to sting. “I’d rather not waste my time.”

“I’ll be quick. I promise.”

You stare, and while you do so, he uses the free time to try and decipher your expression. Futile.

“I think we should be having this conversation while you’re sober.”

“What are you talking about? I’m completely fine!”

A glance inside. Your eyes lock with Lia’s. “Sure. But you’re slurring your words, Jaem.”

Jaem. A nickname. That’s a good sign, right?

“I can make it through a conversation,” he promises. “Really. Just trust me.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk right now,” you tell him. “It’s— it’s just better for me if we do this when you’re in your right mind, okay? So can it wait?”

And then all fight leaves his body. He supposes he can wait another day for your forgiveness. 24 more hours can’t hurt.

“Okay,” he agrees softly.

You manage a smile and give him a nod before gesturing you’re going back inside. He murmurs that he’ll see you in a bit, despite the fact that he knows you and Lia will be making your way back to the dorms the moment the glass door slides open.

As you begin to walk away, Jaemin notices that you’ve left your cup on the railing. He grabs it, “Wait—” he says, lurching forward.

Oh. He definitely shouldn’t have done that.

A loud gasp falls from your lips. Jaemin stands to his full height, eyes wide with shock as he wipes the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand.

You won’t look at him. You’re looking at your shoes and scrunching your nose at the rancid stench that begins to fill the night air.

Well. At least Jaemin’s stomach is feeling better.

two.

Flowers are fucking expensive.

Jaemin realizes this as soon as he leaves the flower shop Renjun works at (according to Renjun, Jaemin fucked up so bad he doesn’t even deserve a discount) but decides not to dwell on the dent in his bank account as he begins the trek to your dorm. He keeps an eye on the cloudy sky, murmuring pleas under his breath for it to not rain — the last thing he needs is for the bouquet he spent good money on to get soaked.

When he enters your building, his exhaustion replaced with nerves, he almost doesn’t notice the lively figure walking out of the elevator.

The way Liu Yangyang steps foot into the lobby, radiating all things bright and holy, is blinding. Jaemin resists the urge to flinch when Yangyang gives him a wide smile.

“Hey, Jaemin!” he greets, barely concealing his confusion at Jaemin’s suit and the big bouquet of flowers. “Do you have a date? At 10am on a Saturday?”

“Oh! No,” says Jaemin. “I’m apologizing.”

“Ah. I didn’t know you were dating someone.”

“Oh, I’m not!” Jaemin corrects, plastering an embarrassed smile. “But, uh, I fucked up, so… it’s the least I could do. And, well, I wanted to do this, so—”

“Still. A bouquet this big is expensive,” Yangyang quirks an eyebrow, plucking the card out of the large array of flowers. His eyes scan the paper. And then again. And again. Jaemin wonders if Renjun’s pulled a prank on him and wrote something ghastly on it.

When Yangyang finally looks up, glancing from the card to the elevator, Jaemin asks, “What? What’s wrong? What does the card say? Fuck, did Renjun do something? I’m gonna kill—”

“No, the card’s fine,” Yangyang snorts, placing it back where he found it. “It’s just... you’re the guy, huh?”

“Sorry?”

“The one that stood Y/N up? The one that they were complaining about when I dropped by this morning?”

There is so much to unpack here. However, Jaemin can only manage a flabbergasted, “Wait, what?”

Yangyang laughs, gives Jaemin a pat on the back, then bids him a goodbye. He’s left the building before Jaemin can even think of a follow-up question, leaving him standing alone in the lobby, dress shirt haphazardly tucked into his pants, hair swept up from the wind, and his right hand limply gripping the flowers — the perfect picture of disaster.

It takes him a while to finally move, and when he does, a new unpleasant feeling sinks in his chest.

But then you open the door, and momentarily, the feeling disappears.

“Hi,” he says with a gentle smile. With two hands, he presents you with the bouquet, which you carefully take, eyes sparkling in awe.

You absentmindedly step to the side to let him in while your fingers carefully brush the flowers. “Jaemin, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted to.”

“But you didn’t have to.”

“Well, I did,” he argues with no malice. He slips off his shoes and follows you to your desk, watching as you place the flowers in a vase, “so you’re gonna have to deal with it.”

He sees you roll your eyes. Still, you say, “Thank you.”

He beams. “You’re welcome.”

You lean against the back of your chair, folding your arms over your chest. Jaemin tries not to let your sudden indifference affect him. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah. Sorry I threw up all over you last night,” he winces.

You wave him off. “It’s fine. Those shoes were worn out, anyway. I was looking for a reason to throw them out.”

“I’m sorry for Friday too.”

Jaemin notices you cave yourself in. Your gaze has hardened and the tension has made you stiff. Something much more painful than guilt sinks its claws into his beating heart.

He thinks, even if he were bleeding apologies, that it still wouldn’t be enough to deserve your forgiveness.

“It’s okay,” you shrug. “We’re fine now.”

“Okay… But are you sure?”

You blink.

Jaemin continues, “I really want to make it up to you.”

You move to lay against the headboard of your bed, playing with the controls of your alarm clock to avoid eye contact. “And you have.”

“I have?”

You take one long look at him, raise an eyebrow at the state of his outfit, before commenting — with your amusement thinly veiled behind the lingering hurt, “Oh, definitely.”

Everything in Jaemin malfunctions at the sound of your voice. The familiar mellow glee shakes him to his core. He leans against your desk chair, refusing to break eye contact despite your determination to not look at him for longer than five seconds.

He kicks the foot of your bed. Not hard enough to scare you, but enough to glance at him in annoyance. “I’m being serious,” he says. “I’ll humiliate myself if I have to. Do you want me to beg for forgiveness in front of everybody? I’ll do it. I can do it by the fountain at the centre of campus, or maybe the cafeteria. Or maybe at the next party—!”

“Jaemin.”

“I can do it at the coffee shop. Not the one near here, but the artsy one. I'm guaranteed to get a lot of judgemental stares there.”

“Jaemin,” you interrupt. You’re staring at him now, the alarm clock long forgotten. “You don’t need to do any of that. I mean, would it be funny? Yeah, definitely. But I want an explanation more than anything. That’s what you promised me last night, anyway — if you remember.”

Jaemin tries his best not to wince. He’d love to tell you the truth, really, but when he had relayed what happened to Renjun, he was met with a slap on the back of his head and different variations of “This is really embarrassing for you, man.” Last night, he was more than happy to explain the reason for his absence on Friday, but that was because there was alcohol in his system.

Could Jaemin humiliate himself in front of strangers and his friends? Sure, no problem. But you were a completely different story.

Every move he’s made, every decision he’s followed through, has been to impress you. He doesn’t know what he would do if he ever blew that up.

“Oh. Okay, well, you see…” Jaemin begins sheepishly, scratching the nape of his neck. “That’s a funny story.”

You frown. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, Jaemin, but I don’t really wanna waste my time listening to excuses.” You turn to your side, taking interest in the alarm clock again as you grumble under your breath, “I’ve done enough of that already.”

The speed at which desperation consumes him is worrying. One minute he’s standing near your desk, the next he’s crouching to enter your field of vision. He’s next to your bedside table now, eyebrows furrowed and about two minutes away from begging.

“Okay, okay, no, you’re right,” he gulps. “Okay. It’s really embarrassing, though. It wasn’t my best moment.”

You don’t answer, instead giving him a look that urges him to continue.

“It’s dumb, alright, so don’t laugh,” he inhales. “A few hours before our date I went to the gym with Hyuck—” (Donghyuck had convinced him doing so would make him look so much better for the date) “—and I was exhausted. So, when we got back I… I fell asleep.”

“...What?”

“I took a nap,” he grumbles, more upset at himself than at your disbelief. “I was so tired and I didn’t want to go out with you if I was out of it, so I went to bed, and I thought I set an alarm for myself, but… I guess I didn’t. Next thing you know, I’m waking up at 1am, completely out of it, until Renjun barges into my room asking me how everything went.”

You stare blankly. “You… you fell asleep.”

He grimaces. He prepares himself for the brunt of your rage. It’s what he thinks he deserves — missing something he’s been wanting for months, looking forward to for days, all because he took a nap? He swears on heaven and Earth that he’s more mad at himself than you are at him.

But then you laugh.

It starts off as an incredulous snort before you start laughing in his face. And once he’s gotten over his initial shock at your reaction, Jaemin cracks a smile. Mostly because this is the first time he’s seen you happy since last week. He underestimated how much he missed all of this — sure, the joy you exhibit is at his expense, but he can’t bring himself to care. Jaemin would walk on burning hot coal if you asked him to.

Raindrops begin to land on your window as the sky becomes darker. Jaemin should be dreading the moment he has to step outside and walk back to the frat.

(But…)

“You’re not lying?” you guffaw. “You’re completely serious?”

“Unfortunately,” Jaemin deadpans.

You burst into another fit of giggles.

(He thinks the sight of your smile just made his entire week.)

(He says so to Donghyuck when he gets home and is asked why he’s soaking wet and giddy. To which Donghyuck replies with a roll of his eyes and, “Jaemin, you are so fucking whipped.”)

three.

There are many things Donghyuck has seen Jaemin do in the name of love.

But this? This is definitely going at the top of the list of the worst things he’s ever done.

The act itself is mild. If Donghyuck was told about this then he wouldn’t even consider putting this in the top 10. But he isn’t the recipient of a storytime. Instead, he’s with Jaemin, standing with him at a supermarket thirty minutes after closing in his Kuromi pajamas.

Tonight, Jaemin isn’t only embarrassing himself, but he’s dragging Donghyuck along with him.

“Please,” Jaemin begs the tired employee on the other side of the locked doors. “I just need one thing.”

The employee locks eyes with Donghyuck. Donghyuck wants to crawl into a hole and die.

The catalyst of this impromptu trip to the grocery store is you. More specifically, what you posted on your close friends story. You had been baking but realized you don’t have any more baking soda, so Jaemin took it upon himself to drive to the store and get some for you.

You didn’t even ask him to.

“Don’t we have baking soda at home?” Donghyuck hisses under his breath, grabbing Jaemin’s elbow while the 16-year-old employee explains for the nth time, “No, sir, I can’t unlock this door. Like, I literally can’t. I don’t have the code.”

“No,” Jaemin snatches his elbow back. Donghyuck wonders how they both look, standing in their matching Melody and Kuromi pajamas in the middle of the night. “Jeno and Mark used all of it up, remember? For some bake sale.”

“I think they were raising money for the frat, Jaemin.”

“Oh, fuck the frat.”

Donghyuck snorts. “Dude.”

“What?”

Donghyuck throws his arms up in defence before tugging Jaemin towards the parking lot. He waves apologetically to the employee, who only shakes her head in response, and ignores Jaemin’s whining and thrashing as they make their way to his car.

“Okay,” Donghyuck says firmly, crossing his arms. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “Uh-huh, sure. It’s not like you’ve been moody for the past few days or anything.”

Jaemin throws him an irritated look. Then he runs a hand over his face and through his hair. “Sorry.”

Donghyuck waves a hand of dismissal. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I fucked up big time,” Jaemin sighs. “With Y/N.”

“Again?”

“What? No! Do you have no faith in me?” At Donghyuck’s silence, Jaemin kicks his shoe. “No, it’s just… I don’t know. I have no idea what it’s gonna take for them to give me another chance.”

“Didn’t they forgive you already?”

“Yeah, but… you know.”

He doesn’t. You and Donghyuck are more so acquaintances than friends, but even if that wasn’t the case, he thinks nobody in this world could ever know you as well as Jaemin does.

Plus, he’s pretty sure Jaemin’s just making excuses not to put himself out there again.

So, Donghyuck asks, “Have you asked them out again?”

“Well…”

“You can’t be serious.”

“You don’t understand!” Jaemin groans. “I’m scared!”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and starts typing a number into his phone. Jaemin is too busy listing off reasons on why you’d reject him to notice, and only stops his rambling when a groggy voice echoes off the speakerphone.

“Hello?”

Jaemin blinks, confused. “Y/N?”

“Jaemin?” you say, suddenly awake. Donghyuck places his phone in Jaemin’s hands and enters the car to give you two some privacy. “Why are you calling me from Hyuck’s phone?”

“Oh, I…” Jaemin starts, “My phone’s dead.”

“Oh,” you say. Jaemin presses the phone to his ear and closes his eyes as he leans against the hood of the car. “Why’d you call?”

“I, uh…” Jaemin murmurs, “I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?”

If he was being honest, Jaemin’s surprised you forgave him so quickly. He thought he would have to grovel a little more, suffer for a few more days, before you finally flashed him a smile and a murmur of “It’s okay.” He asked you about this last night, his curiosity peaking past midnight with the only source of light in his bedroom being the blue light from his phone.

From: Y/N

I mean, it’s not like you’ve ever lied to me?

Unless you did. If you did, you are so done for, Jaem.

To: Y/N

I didn’t! I swear to God I didn’t

From: Y/N

Yeah, I figured

I’m messing with you lol

I trust you

Maybe this means he has a chance. He considers shooting his shot right then and there, but then he glances at the sky, figures now is not the right time. You deserve so much more than a hesitant question whispered into his best friend’s phone, the stars hidden behind a large blanket of clouds.

“I… I couldn’t get you the baking soda.”

A pause. “Oh?”

“Yeah. The store’s closed.”

“Oh,” you whisper with a little more understanding. Softly, you reply, “That’s okay, Jaem.”

four.

For the past few days, Jaemin’s hands have been finding you.

It’s in gentle touches. He pats your shoulder before bidding goodbye, picks off a piece of lint in your hair before flicking it away, brushes your skin with his every time he gives you a gift. Every touch is accompanied with a smile — lambent albeit unsure — and every smile is accompanied with a soft call of your name.

The next time he touches you is when he hands you a bag. It isn’t heavy, but when you peek inside, you frown.

“What is this?” you ask.

He flashes you his signature grin. “What does it look like? They’re shoes.”

His retort is met with silence. Jaemin is left to listen to the bustling of the hallway as you stare at the relatively new sneakers he’s handed you. His grin wavers, ever so slightly, though it really shouldn’t matter because it goes unnoticed.

“I can see that,” you mutter. “But why?”

“Consider it an apology. It’s the least I could do after I… you know…”

“Threw up on me?”

Jaemin huffs. “Yeah.”

You clear your throat, pushing the shoes into his chest. “I don’t think I should take this.”

“What? Why not?”

You shrug, resting the handles of the grey plastic bag on his fingertips before walking around him to head to the exit. He’s quick to follow, barely dodging lingering professors and boisterous students that obscure his path. You don’t bother to slow down, eyeing the time on your wrist with a frown. Fuck, you were supposed to be at the mall five minutes ago.

You glance over your shoulder to see if Jaemin’s still lagging behind you. “It’s nice and all, but I don’t think you ruining my sneakers meant you had to buy me new ones as an apology.”

“I disagree. Besides, I didn’t even buy them! I stole them—!” You halt, causing Jaemin to crash into you. The both of you stagger, struggling to regain your composure. He coughs, muttering an apology before adding, “—from Renjun’s closet.”

“What the hell!” you exclaim. “Why didn’t you say that sooner! I thought you were a felon.”

Jaemin gasps incredulously, ignoring the odd gazes thrown in his direction. “How dare you. You know I don’t have the mental capacity to plan a successful heist. Too tiring,” he tilts his head, “You gotta admit, though, I’d look very good on a wanted poster.”

Silence. You continue walking to the student parking lot.

Another gasp, and then— “Hey, wait, don’t just walk away. Are you disagreeing with me?” An overdramatic whine falls from Jaemin’s lips. You are no match for your own mirth. It doesn’t waver, no matter how much you try to fight the smile that threatens to split your face apart. “Are you calling me ugly?”

“Way to jump to conclusions,” you quip.

His hand clasps around yours, stopping your movements. “You’re not denying it!”

A laugh, caged too long in your chest, escapes. It dances in the air, free. “You’re definitely not ugly, Jaemin. The very opposite, actually,” you pause, “But no matter how much you pout and whine, I will not be taking these shoes.”

“But I stole them just for you!”

(A passerby mutters a “What?” to her friend).

“Yes, it’s very Robin Hood of you to do this for me,” you agree, briefly placing two hands on his cheeks and ignoring the way his skin begins to warm. “But what if Renjun finds out? You know he scares me!”

“Pfft. Renjun would never hurt you.”

Your hands fall from his face and back to your sides. He immediately craves your touch again, even though he’s certain it’ll burn his skin. “I’m not taking these. But thank you,” you give him a smile, a much tamer one this time, but it makes his heart stutter all the same. “Really, Jaemin. I appreciate it.”

I appreciate you, you almost say. From the way Jaemin’s eyes flicker to your lips, you wonder if he knows you almost did.

“I—”

“Y/N! You slowpoke! Hurry up!”

Jaemin snaps his head to the direction of the voice. His lips part at the sight of Yangyang trudging across the quad, hands tucked into his pockets. Despite Yangyang’s impatient words, he’s grinning.

What’s worse, Jaemin thinks, is that you are, too.

You give Jaemin one last look before waving. Before you leave, you promise something. He isn’t quite sure what — maybe you’ll text him tonight, see him tomorrow, email him the answers to the Chemistry practice tests later. Nothing you say can sway Jaemin’s focus from Yangyang’s arm, resting on your shoulder as he drags you towards his car.

A hand reaches into Jaemin’s chest, squeezes his heart.

He tries not to think too much of it.

five.

There are three things needed to spark a wildfire. Oxygen, fuel, and ignition.

Jaemin finds himself in an unfamiliar apartment on Saturday night, glued to Renjun’s side, as his friend drifts across the space like a butterfly soaring through the sky. Tonight is supposed to be carefree, a distraction from looming final exams, but Jaemin can’t help but feel a heavy weight in his pockets. His texts, sent 12 hours ago, are yet to be met with a response, and he’s getting fidgety. So much so that it’s hindering his chance of a good time.

Renjun tries his best to ignore him but all attempts end up futile. Once an acquaintance excuses himself to go to the restroom, Renjun nudges Jaemin and hisses (although he does it in a way that comes off as benign), “Can you stop acting like you’ve got ants crawling up your ass? Y/N will get back to you soon enough. Maybe they’re busy.”

Jaemin sighs, clenches his fist, then nods. “Yeah. Right. Sorry.”

Renjun looks at him sympathetically. “It’s okay. Just don’t stress.”

He manages to distract himself for a couple more minutes, engaging in conversations despite his dying social battery, and plasters a smile that he hopes Renjun deems decent enough.

This get-together is far different from any of the parties the frat has thrown, but its unfamiliarity tames the waves of worry clouding Jaemin’s brain, if only for a moment.

Everything in him comes alive, though, when the door swings open and a call of your name hangs in the air.

He’s plunged into a pool of relief at the sight of you. It’s almost as if the air has been knocked out of his lungs.

Maybe tonight won’t be so bad after all.

Oxygen.

He lazily mutters an excuse to Renjun and another acquaintance before walking towards the door. This conversation is the least of his worries especially when you’re standing in the doorway, radiant as ever.

When you spot him, he swears your eyes light up.

“Hey!” you greet, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, Renjun dragged me here,” Jaemin tries his best to appear nonchalant, though the only person he appears to be fooling is himself, “he said I needed a change of scenery.”

“Well, I’m glad he did.”

Something akin to hope settles in the pit of his stomach. “You are?”

You hum. “Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love these get-togethers, but you make things a little more memorable.”

He grins. He can’t help it. “Just a little?”

“Alright,” you snort. “Don’t push it.”

A buzz. You take your phone out and, at the sight of the notification, your mood dampens — only slightly, but Jaemin notices nonetheless.

“Oh, by the way, did you get my texts?”

“Huh?” you glance up. “Oh. Maybe? Sorry, I’ve been so out of it. You would not believe the day I’ve had.”

“Ah. And here I thought you were ignoring me,” he says it in a way that’s insouciant, but you don’t miss the tension slowly easing out of his shoulders.

“I would never.”

“I mean, you did a few weeks ago.”

You hit his arm playfully. “Okay, well, you deserved that.” You tuck your phone back into your pocket. “I’m really sorry, though. I didn’t mean to screen you. What’d you send, anyway?”

“Nothing important,” he says. Really, it had just been a couple tweets he thought you would find funny. “How was your day?”

Before you can respond, someone enters, heaving. Yangyang, dressed head to toe in black, huffs out a breath as he slips off his dress shoes. He walks over to you, almost slipping when his socked feet meet tile, but he manages to save himself as he hands you a wallet.

Something feels off.

Fuel.

“Holy fuck,” Yangyang exhales tiredly. “You would not believe the kind of shit I had to go through to get that back. You owe me big time— oh! Hey, Jaemin!”

“Hi,” Jaemin replies, eyes flickering between you and Yangyang. It’s at that moment he clocks that the two of you are matching, both in flushed cheeks and attire. Suddenly, Jaemin feels underdressed in his grey hoodie and light-washed jeans. “Uh, you guys look nice.”

“Oh, thanks!” says Yangyang. Then he scans the other people in the apartment. “Wait, what the hell? I thought Lia said to dress formally!”

He gives neither you nor Jaemin time to reply. He’s already off, mingling with others as he hunts Lia down, presumably to question her about the dress code, leaving you and Jaemin in the dust.

You don’t say anything in Yangyang’s absence, so Jaemin decides he’ll bite.

“Why did he have your wallet?”

Your mood has changed. You scratch your neck nervously and give him a smile he can’t quite decipher. This one is different than the usual ones you give him. Is it— tinted with shame?

“Oh,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest. Slowly but surely, the tension that was once in Jaemin’s body enters yours. “Funny story.”

Jaemin tries his best to sound lighthearted. “From the way you look it doesn’t seem like a funny story.”

“Got me there,” you chuckle, devoid of hilarity. “It’s— well, I was on a date—”

Oh. That’s why you never responded to him.

Yangyang, always impeccable with his timing, appears in Jaemin’s line of sight again. He isn’t quite sure what Yangyang says — something about the dress code, he assumes. But what he is sure of is Yangyang’s hand around your wrist, dragging you deep into the crevices of the apartment, away from Jaemin.

It all makes sense now. Yangyang dropping by your apartment, Yangyang’s arm over your shoulder, Yangyang arriving the same time as you at a gathering Jaemin didn’t even want to be at.

Any and all hope flies out the window, dissolving in the acidity of his heartbreak.

He pulls out his phone, texts you again, only this one is more formal than the rest.

To: Y/N

Had to go. Sorry we couldn’t talk more. I’ll see you.

He waits a couple minutes but never receives a reply.

Ignition.

Everything in him begins to burn.

one.

It rains on Sunday.

Jaemin finds himself sitting just under the lip of the roof, watching as rainfall creates puddles in the miniature pits in the backyard. The humidity allows for sweat to adhere his clothes to his skin; it’s an unpleasant feeling, one he’s too lazy to fix by getting up and going back inside, so he’s grateful for the sudden breeze that causes him to shiver.

A jacket is suddenly draped over his shoulders. A figure takes a seat beside him.

“What are you doing out here?”

Your presence only adds to the warmth he’s already feeling.

“Oh, you know…” Jaemin murmurs as you make yourself comfortable on the porch, “wallowing.”

“Ah,” you hum. “As one does.”

“As one does,” he repeats.

You let a few raindrops land on your shoes before you ask, “Am I allowed to ask why?”

He kicks a pebble under his feet. “I don’t know. I just feel weird, I guess? I can’t explain it.”

Lie. He knows exactly why he feels under the weather, and from the way your eyes don’t leave his face, you know he’s lying, too.

“Do you feel better than you did yesterday?”

“Hm?”

“Renjun let me in,” you explain, “I asked him what happened to you last night and he said you just weren’t feeling it, so…”

He nods slowly. “Oh! Uh — yeah. Yeah.”

He clears his throat awkwardly. In the corner of his eye, he sees you raise an eyebrow and turn your head towards the backyard, watching as the rain becomes more aggressive, rapidly pattering against any surface it finds, staining the trees and the ground and the wood of the porch.

Inside, he can hear soft murmurs between his frat brothers. There is the occasional laugh and loud outburst, and it tugs on his heartstrings. It’s much happier inside than it is out here — here, Jaemin’s sulking and brokenhearted and you’re next to him, hiding under the blanket of his heartache.

“How’s Yangyang?” he questions before he can stop himself.

You try your best to hide your surprise. “Uh, he’s fine? I haven’t spoken to him at all today.”

“And your date?”

Your eyes light up. Game over, Jaemin thinks as you turn your body to face him, excitement making the rain falter. “Oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you about it last night!” Jaemin sucks in a breath, “It was awful.”

He blinks. “Huh?”

“Yeah, remind me to never listen to Yangyang ever again,” you snicker with a shake of your head. “He’d been bothering me for months about how I’m, apparently, chronically single. And he thought the only way to fix that was to set me up with a stranger from his Microbio class.”

Jaemin’s moved to look at you dead in the eye now, lips parted and eyebrows furrowed as he tries to process all the information you’ve just spewed out. “Wait, I’m sorry, what?”

You misinterpret his confusion for incredulity. “Right! But I went along with it, which I really shouldn’t have — I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you about it before I went, but it completely slipped my mind. I guess karma got me back, though, ‘cause the guy was terrible — he was so boring, Jaem. So I went to the bathroom to text Yangyang to pick me up, but I was stupid enough to leave my bag at the table. The guy stole my fucking wallet, so I had to—”

“Wait,” Jaemin interrupts, jaw slack. “So you weren’t on a date with Yangyang?”

You scrunch your nose up in disgust. “No. What?”

Jaemin doesn’t reply.

“Jaemin—”

“Never mind.”

You stare at him as he repositions himself to face the backyard again. The both of you hear more clamor in the kitchen, but it’s all drowned out by the laugh that escapes your mouth.

He lasts about ten seconds avoiding your eye contact — at the sound of your amusement, Jaemin whips his head to look at you.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize, covering your mouth with a hand. “I’m so sorry. That’s not — okay, well, it’s a little funny.”

“Alright, I get it,” Jaemin grumbles, though he softens when you lean on his shoulder for support.

“Why the hell would you think that?”

Jaemin shrugs the shoulder you’re not leaning against. “You two were always together, and then you guys showed up at the party at the same time wearing matching outfits, so my mind was like—”

“‘Yangyang and Y/N are dating. Only explanation,’” you finish for him with a snort. “That was just a coincidence. Yangyang and I are friends, Jaemin. I thought you, of all people, would assume that.”

He nudges you. “What’s that mean?”

You nudge him back. “I mean, I thought it was already established that I like you.”

At his silence, you click your tongue.

“I wouldn’t have said yes to a date with you if I didn’t like you, Jaemin.”

“Yeah, but…” he huffs, eyeing the clouds as the raindrops become infrequent and the sky turns a little brighter. “I thought you would’ve given up on me.”

You place a hand over your heart, frowning. “Wow. You think that low of me?”

“No, absolutely not—!”

You squeeze his shoulder with a gentle smile. “Jaemin, I was joking.”

Jaemin sighs in relief, leaning into your touch. “I’m gonna make up for that date, you know.”

Resting your chin on his shoulder, you assure him, “You already have.”

“No, not with flowers and stolen shoes — with dinner,” he pauses, turning his face to meet your eyes. As the sky grows lighter, the red on his cheeks becomes more evident, “if you’ll let me.”

“Will you actually show up this time?” you ask, teasing.

He laughs with a roll of his eyes. “I’ll be there before you even show up.”

When you leave the frat house that night, swollen lips and sweat prickling at your skin, you bump into Lia on her way to class. She asks suspiciously why you’re grinning like a madman — there is no reason for anybody to be smiling this much when it’s this humid outside.

At the mention of Jaemin’s name, Lia softens in understanding. She pats your cheek the same way a mother would nurture her child before saying, “I swear that boy is gonna be the death of you.”

You shrug. You can’t bring yourself to care.

© all rights reserved, dkfile 2023

[honeyedmiller]

Fate, After All | Joel Miller — Part Four

warnings: no-outbreak!Joel, Joel is a softie (again—I just love soft and loving Joel lol), tooth-rotting fluff, reader and Sarah have a cute mom / daughter dynamic moment, sorta shy Joel, slight jealousy from reader, super brief smut (fingering), some cursing, no use of y/n. sorry this is so long and probably so filler-like lmaooo this is honestly not my best work. hope you enjoy regardless :’). 18+, minors dni.

word count: 4.5k

series masterlist

-

You wake up to the sound of your phone blaring in your ear, making you groan loudly. One of your eyes shot open, looking at the alarm clock on your bedside. You groan again when the red numbers read 8:03 a.m.

You answer your phone without looking at the caller ID, pressing it up against your ear lazily.

"Hello?" Your voice is groggy and evidently full of sleep. The deep chuckle on the other line let you know exactly who was on the phone: Joel.

"Good morning, honey." He greets, and you whine softly.

"Joel, it's eight in the morning. Why are you up so early?" Your words were muffled due to half of your face being pressed into a pillow, seeing as you were laying on your stomach.

"Did'ya forget it's the Fourth 'a July? The party Tommy and I throw every year requires a lot of setting up." Joel laughs, and the sound simply brings a smile to your lips.

"Mm, so I'm guessing you're calling me to recruit me for help?" You twist your body so you're laying flat on your back now, eyes slowly peeling open to stare up at your bedroom ceiling.

"Y'know me too well, darlin'. And I need your help at the grocery store, 'specially to get stuff your parents like." Nervousness took over Joel's voice in the last part of his sentence. Today was the day he was going to see your parents again for the first time in years, so he wanted to make a good impression.

You've reassured him multiple times that they loved him when you two were in high school, but he was worried nonetheless. He wanted to be noted as worthy to be your man.

"Up 'n at 'em, baby. I'll give you an hour to get ready and then I'm swingin' by your place to pick you up." Joel mildly negotiated, and you huffed.

"Fine, only cus I—" You cut your sentence short, the 'L' word nearly rolling off your tongue. You wanted to say it to him, desperately. You just didn't know how he'd react to it, or if he even felt the same way.

"Honey? You there?" Joel asks.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. I'll be ready in an hour." Your voice held promise, so you needed to get up now if you were going to be ready in time.

"See you in an hour, darlin'."

-

You took a quick shower, shaving your legs as fast as you could without nicking them. You dolled up as much as possible with the time allotted, slipping on a maxi dress that showed off your curves in all the right places. It was a red dress, so it was sort of on theme for the day. Just as you were finished touching up your mascara, a couple of sharp knocks against your front door were heard.

“Coming!” You shout, grabbing your purse and your denim jacket. You peeked through the peephole and smiled when you saw it was Joel. You open the door with that same grin never fading, and his facial expression softens when he lays his eyes on you.

He whistles, giving you a once–or a thrice– over. “Damn, baby. You look absolutely stunnin’.” Joel praises, wrapping his arms around you. Your free hand travels up his broad chest, moving to the back of his neck.

“Mm, such a sweet talker you are.” You laugh as you pull him in for a sweet kiss.

He taps your ass twice before pulling apart, humming at your observation. You slip your white Converse on and step outside with Joel, locking everything up before you two head to his truck. He opens the passenger door for you and you climb in, kissing him one more time before he softly shuts the door. You admire him for a quick second as he rounds the front of the truck, taking in his beautiful features and dark unruly hair.

It warmed your heart still that you got so lucky to cross paths with such an amazing man again. He’s been nothing but wonderful to you and has treated you like a princess the few months you’ve been seeing him. Joel is so genuine. Everything he does, he does with purpose.

You couldn’t help but let your curious mind wander to what marriage would look like with Joel. How loving of a husband he’d be, coming home to him every night, spending the rest of your life with him. You truly believed he was your soulmate, and god, you really hoped he felt the same exact way. You had to tell him how you really felt soon, because it was eating away at you inside.

“Hey,” Joel waves his hand in front of your face. “Watcha thinkin’ ‘bout pretty lady?”

“Just what to get my parents at the store.” You play it off, and Joel nods.

“Once they get a taste of my famous burgers they’ll for sure give their approval for me datin’ their daughter.” Joel sates matter-of-factly with a chuckle.

“My mom already gushes about you when we have our weekly catch-up phone calls,” You laugh, looking out of the window as you pass your residential neighborhood. “My dad will be the tough nut to crack. He’s just overprotective, but I told him to be on his best behavior.” You look at Joel, who chuckles and glances at you as he drives to the store closer to his house.

You both sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before you noticed Joel's lingering gaze on you from time to time. You turned your head to him an raised an eyebrow, giving him a questioning look.

"You look real good in that dress, darlin'." Joel sighs, gaze meeting yours once he reaches another red light.

"Yeah? Maybe I'll let you take it off of me later." You say nonchalantly, throwing the most saccharine smile his way. He groans, tossing his head back against the headrest.

"Fuck, baby, don't tease me like that." He pouts, but decides to return the favor by sliding his hand slowly onto your left thigh, dipping under the soft cotton of the dress before he moves upward. You're already wet from just how fucking good he looks and smells, and you two haven't been able to be intimate recently so the mutual want from both of you was peaked.

His fingertips brush over your skimpy thong you'd put on, whimpering softly at the contact of his warm fingers.

"Oh, would you look at that. My poor baby is already wet n' I've barely even touched her. What are we gonna do about that, hm?" Joel throws a shit-eating grin your way, focusing back on the road as the light turns green. He kept casually rubbing you over the fabric of your underwear, noticing from his peripheral that you were starting to squirm.

"Fuck, Joel, please." You beg.

"What'dya want from me baby? Use your words." He coaxes, moving your underwear to the side but pausing his movements so he can hear you ask for him.

"Your fingers, please, fuck, I- I want you to use your fingers." You pant softly.

"What my baby wants, she gets." Joel smirks, running his middle and ring finger knuckles over your slick folds before pulling them out from under your dress to bring both fingers to his mouth. He closed his eyes for a split second to relish the taste of you before moving his hand back down. He slowly eased his middle finger into you while softly swiping his thumb over your clit.

You gasp at the contact, slowly grinding your hips against his hand to create more friction. A deep chuckle arose from his throat at your neediness, which only prompted him to insert a second finger.

You moaned, resting your head against the headrest as you shut your eyes.

"That's it honey. Doing so good f'me." Joel groaned as you clenched around his fingers deliciously. He moved his skillful fingers at a languid pace, and you knew your orgasm was coming much sooner rather than later. You've been holding off on even touching your own self because Joel genuinely just did it so much fucking better.

He knew your body extremely well and made sure to take care of you every single time. He wouldn't accept it if there was a time you didn't cum—he made absolutely sure you always came, even if he didn't.

You gripped the door handle tightly and clawed at the seat beneath you, feeling that hot sensation in the pit of your core. Joel felt it too with the way you were simply fluttering around his thick fingers. You bit your lip to silence your moan, but Joel wasn’t having any of that.

“Uh uh, baby doll. Let it out. Be as loud as you wanna be.” He coaxed, and that was enough for you to let out a whine which turned into a moan.

“Fuck, Joel, I’m close.” Your words are strained to a near whisper, and you can’t hold back any longer. Your hips started to buck against his hand, that hot sensation unraveling in your core and down your legs.

“That’s it baby, give it t’me.”

You moaned loudly at Joel’s words, knuckles turning white as you now had a death grip on the door handle.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” You whined as you rode through your orgasm. You were panting heavily as Joel smirked to himself in a self-victory, withdrawing his fingers from you. He sticks his middle finger in his mouth to clean you off of it, but moves his ring finger over to your mouth.

“Open.” Was all he said, and your eyes nearly rolled to the back of your head at that. You opened your mouth as he stuck his finger in, and you gingerly sucked on it as you cleaned yourself off of him. You were thankful his windows were tinted and no one could really see what’d just happened, because shit, your face was beet red.

You were so dazed from your orgasm that you hadn’t even noticed Joel had turned in to the HEB parking lot.

“C’mon darlin’, let’s beat the crowds.” Joel leans over to kiss your temple after he unbuckles himself, then reaches down to undo your buckle as well. He hopped out of the truck and jogged to your side, opening your door for you. Ever the gentleman. He held his hand out for you to take to easily exit the truck, but your legs betrayed you as they felt like jello when your feet planted on the concrete.

“Woah.” You said, leaning against Joel for support. You wanted to wipe that shit-eating grin he still had on his face right off, but his strong hold only made you want to melt further.

“Careful there, darlin’.” Joel easily displayed amusement in his Southern drawl, and you scowled up at him playfully before finally regaining your balance and standing upright.

“C’mon cowboy, we have a party to throw.”

-

A few hours passed and Joel assigned you and Sarah to decorate the place with red white and blue streamers. You were currently hanging a twist of all three on the patio outside, the summer sun relentless on you.

You wiped your sweaty brow after you finished, satisfied with your work. Tommy was working on firing up the grill and getting it going, while Joel was seasoning the food and preparing it to be grilled. You made your way back into the kitchen where Sarah was sipping on some lemonade while she sat at the island counter, and Joel was chopping some onions.

“Hotter than the devil’s ass out there.” You huffed, moving to the counter where Sarah sat. She snickered at your remark, and Joel shook his head with a grin.

“Need any help honey?” You ask, tilting your head at Joel.

“I’m just about done, darlin’. Do you think your parents will like this?” The nervousness in his tone returns, and you move so you stood yourself behind him. You hooked both of your arms under his so your palms were pressing against the front of his shoulders, and you kissed between his shoulder blades lovingly.

“They’ll love it, Joel, and they’ll love you.” His heart jumped at the word, almost thinking you were going to say it yourself. He’d planned to tell you very soon, but he just hadn’t found the right moment yet.

“Hope so.” Was all he said, finishing with the onion.

Sarah called your name and you turned to her, a smile in on your face. “Will you help me with something? Upstairs?” She asked timidly, and you let go of Joel to fully face her.

“Of course, sweetheart. Lead the way.” You grinned, offering your hand to her. She took it as she led you upstairs, leading you into her room.

“Okay, so, I didn’t want dad to hear, but the whole neighborhood is coming as you know,” She started, rocking on her heels in a nervous manner. “There’s this really cute boy who lives down the street and I kinda want to impress him a little. Do you think you could, I dunno, doll me up a bit? And help me with an outfit?”

Your heart clenched with warmth at her words, loving that she trusted you enough with this stuff. Over the course of the months you’d been with Joel, you made it a point to always spend time with Sarah—girls days here and there, taking her out shopping, to eat, nails done, anything—to bond with her. You and her had grown very close within that allotted time, and although she never said it aloud (yet), she was starting to see you as a mother figure.

“Of course I’d love to help, sweetheart. You’re very naturally beautiful as it is, but if you want to wear makeup, then let’s use it just to enhance your gorgeous features. Does your dad let you wear any?” You ask, because the last thing you want is to go over his head, especially if it’s something that has to do with his daughter.

“Yeah, he lets me wear mascara and natural colored lipstick. He let me buy eyeliner too, but I don’t really know how to put it on.” She goes to open a drawer in her dresser, pulling out the previously stated items.

“Let me bring my makeup bag in here and see what else we can do.” You smile at her, making your way into Joel’s bedroom so you can grab your small bag of makeup you kept here. You returned to Sarah’s room, pulling out your eyelash curler and some very natural blush.

You sat her down on her bed as you started with her eyelashes, bringing the curler to each to lift them just slightly. You coated her lashes with the mascara, really only touching the ends that’d been curled up. Instead of the black eyeliner that she had, you opted for the brown one you had in your bag as you smoked it out very subtly on the outside corners of her eyelids.

You then dabbed the lipstick onto her lips, making her purse her lips every so often so the product could blend evenly. You applied clear gloss over her lips as the final coat. You then used the tiniest amount of blush on the apples of her cheeks, to which it looked like someone just pinched them in adoration.

“I’m all done.” You announce, holding up the mirror set on her dresser so she could see herself.

She gasped softly, the biggest smile on her face as she studied her now slightly enhanced features.

“I love it! You have to teach me how do this.” She gushed, getting up swiftly to give you a hug. You giggle and hug her back, giving her a small squeeze.

“I’d love to. Now for the outfit.” You move to her closet after letting her go, sorting through her clothes while weighing the options.

“How about this pretty blue dress?” You unhooked the hanger from its rightful place, holding the dress up. It wasn’t too short, wasn’t too long, had spaghetti straps and was perfect for summertime. The baby blue color would really make her features pop more.

“Oh my gosh, I forgot I even had that dress. This with my white shoes. Thank you so much for your help.” She grins.

“Of course. I’ll leave you to it to get changed.” You close her door after you exit her room, and within a couple of minutes, she opens her door again.

She looked so beautiful, and you could tell she really felt it too.

“You look gorgeous, Sarah.” You grab her hand and lift it up so she does a twirl, and she laughs loudly. She twirls a few more times before stumbling into you, hugging you tightly.

“Hey people are–” You hear Joel start, pausing when he sees you two hugging each other laughing. His heart just melts at the sight of his favorite girls having a fun time together. You both pause and look up at him, and Joel’s eyes scan Sarah’s features.

He was surprised to see she was wearing makeup, but he also knew she was a teenager and it was part of growing up. He was starting to realize his little girl wasn’t so little anymore.

“So, what do you think?” Sarah spins around for him, an unwavering bright smile on her face.

“You look beautiful babydoll.” He grins softly at her, leaning against the doorframe.

“Thanks dad.” She smiles, moving toward him to give him a hug before rushing down the stairs. You chuckle at her eagerness, remembering what it was like when you were a teenager giddy for a boy—Joel, to be more specific.

“They grow up so fast.” You tease, and he groans.

“Thank you for helpin’ her with, you know, the makeup n’ stuff. I know it means a great deal to her, even if she doesn’t show it right away,” Joel smiles as he pulls you into him, kissing the top of your head. “Now c’mon. Guests are starting to arrive and I wanna introduce you.” He pats your butt softly before trailing after you downstairs, keeping you close to him as you met the neighbors and friends of the Millers.

-

An hour and a half later, the party was in full swing. Country music was playing over a loud speaker, kids were playing Marco Polo in the pool, burgers were being grilled, and beers were being chugged. Your mom had called to say they were almost at the Miller residence, to which you got a Michelada ready for your dad (they were his favorite), and you were currently working on a Cosmo for your mom. The doorbell rang and you wiped your hands on a hand towel before making your way to the front door.

Joel comes rushing into the house, his red shirt starting to get a small sweat stain around the collar. He thought it’d be ‘cute’ to match with you today, hence him opting for a red shirt instead of his usual gray or black.

“I got it honey, I think it’s my parents,” You tell him, and he gives you a worried look. “I promise you have nothing to worry about.” You reassure him, patting his chest before giving him a quick peck on the lips. You open the door with Joel right behind you, and you beam at your parents standing there.

“Mom, dad, c’mon in.” You smile, moving so they can get into the house. You notice your mom carrying a tin pan of what you assume to be her famous pasta salad, so you led them both into the kitchen. You took the pasta salad from your mom and set it down on the counter, bending to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. You hugged your dad next, and Joel stood there with a sheepish smile on his lips.

“Mom, dad, you remember Joel Miller, right?” You ask them, and your mom is beaming. She may have set you up on all those terrible blind dates, but technically, if it weren’t for her, there was a slim to none chance you would’ve rekindled with Joel.

“Of course! Joel, dear, how are you?” Your mom pulls him in for a hug, to which he gladly accepts. He chuckles as she holds him at arms length, inspecting him.

You almost protest your mom’s actions before Joel flashes his charming, megawatt smile at her. “I’ve been good ma’am, it’s so good to see you again.” He’s polite and his Southern drawl just makes you melt.

“My my, you sure have grown into a handsome man. You picked a good one, sweetheart.” Your mom looks over at you, and you groan.

“Ma.” You huff, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Actually, I’m the lucky one here.” Joel confesses, and you and your mom look at him.

“Well ain’t that the cutest thing I’ve ever heard!” Your mom is absolutely head over heels gushing for Joel, and it almost makes you want to laugh.

“You remember my husband, right?” Your mom asks, and Joel sticks his hand out to shake your dad’s.

“Of course. Very nice to see you again, sir.” Joel nods, and your dad raises a brow at him.

“You treatin’ my baby girl right?” Your dad asks, and you cut in immediately.

“Dad, for Christ sake. If he wasn’t I wouldn’t be with him,” You roll your eyes. “Be nice.” You warn, shoving his Michelada into his hand so he can have something to drink instead of running his mouth.

“He’s just looking out for you, baby, I understand.” Joel chuckles smoothly, pulling you into his side. He wraps his arm around your waist securely, and you rest a palm over his beating heart.

“That’s right, babydoll. He knows what he’s talkin’ ‘bout.” Your dad nods, and you roll your eyes and look to your mom.

“Men.” You both say simultaneously, laughing at the ridiculousness. You hand your mom her Cosmo, while Joel and your dad trail off into a conversation which seems to be about football. At least they can bond over that.

“So,” Your mom starts, sipping her drink. “How’s he really treatin’ you, sweetheart?” Your mom whispers, and you grin.

“Really, really good mom. I’m head over heels for him.” You answer honestly, nudging her softly with your hip. She chuckled and nods, staring down at her drink.

“You in love with him?” She says a little louder, but still not to the point where Joel and your dad can hear you—or so you think. You know your dad’s hearing is shot to hell from his old profession, but Joel’s sure isn’t.

“Yeah, I really am. I really think he’s the one, Ma.” You confess, a rosy blush covering your cheeks. Joel nearly rushes to your side to give you the biggest, most heartfelt kiss, but he plays it off like he never heard you. He just casually continues his conversation about training season and their picks for their fantasy football league.

Tommy eventually coaxes everyone outside with more food being ready. Sarah comes up to you almost instantly and tugs you to the side, a bright smile on her face.

“He gave me his number!” She whisper shouts, and your eyes go wide.

“That’s amazing, Sarah!” You hug her, rocking her back and forth gleefully.

“I’m gonna go hang out some more, but I’ll keep you updated!” She tries to play it cool by walking slow over to her crush. It was so cute seeing your favorite teen gush over her crush like that.

The party went on some more and many people were getting buzzed, including Joel. You had a light buzz going yourself, but nothing too serious. You were in fact sober enough to catch Joel’s neighbor, Sheila, making eyes at him.

“You know darlin’, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of you in this little number you’re wearin.’ Makes me wanna finish what I started earlier in my truck.” Joel murmurs lowly in your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.

“Maybe we should do it in front of Sheila so she’ll stop undressing you with her eyes.” You retort, rolling your eyes. His hands rest on your hips as he rubs soft circles into them, purposefully kissing your neck tenderly while she looked.

“Is my girl jealous?” Joel teases.

“No.”

“Mm, good, ‘cause you ain’t got a single thing to worry about, baby. I’m all yours.”

-

Dusk had rolled around faster than anticipated, but the firework show was amazing. Joel and Tommy apparently had a bunch saved up, so they put on a show for the whole neighborhood and then some. The kids were waving sparklers in front of themselves and drawing their names on the asphalt, enjoying the different colors they emitted.

Your eyes shifted to Sarah who was by the boy—who’s name turned out to be Christian—getting snuggly and close as he draped his arm around her shoulder, which was clad with a jacket that definitely wasn’t hers. You smile at her and shift your eyes again, landing on Joel.

You admired the way he looked when he interacted with people. He was so genuine and caring, and though he was more introverted, he could easily work and charm a crowd. His smile beamed at the multiple neighbors who complimented the barbecue, as it had been yet another huge success this year.

Joel’s eyes met yours, and as if you couldn’t fall even harder, the look that was in his eyes proved you so wrong.

Tommy was about to light the grand finale of the fireworks, and Joel made his way back to you. He and Tommy sobered up in time to light all of the fireworks responsibly, which you were grateful for.

“Hey baby.” He said softly, pulling you into his side gently.

“Hi handsome.” You respond, leaning your head on his shoulder. Tommy ran back toward the crowd of people as the fireworks were ready to shoot off, and within seconds, the first one shot into the air with a loud boom. Then came the second, and the third, but by the fourth, you were completely enamored in the man that is Joel Miller.

You heard the crowd “ooh” and “aah”, and while you could see the fireworks from your peripheral, your focus was solely on the man in front of you.

“I’m in love with you, Joel.” You’ve never been more sure of anything in your life. Your eyes never wavered from him as you wrapped both arms around him. His head snaps down as his eyes find your gaze, and you can see the beautiful hues of purple and gold of one of the fireworks reflecting in the beautiful brown eyes of your lover.

“Darlin’,” Joel breathed, his eyes soft and face displaying pure adoration. “I’m in love with you too. I love you. So much.” He cups your face with both of his hands, thumbs gently caressing your cheekbones.

“I love you, Joel.” You semi-whispered, but he still heard. He didn’t waste time in pressing his lips against yours, holding your face in his hands like his life depended on it.

There was absolutely nowhere else in the universe that you felt safer in than in Joel’s arms—

the arms of someone who cherishes you, adores you, and loves you with his whole being.

[elkkiel]

“shy” anon,

im gonna play a little bit of catch up here, cause theres some things i missed in previous messages. either the tags or in the replies under them lol

i would love if you drew something for me *flustered noises* your kitty art is my favourite. if youre curious or if it will help, iv is so heart eyes.

ill have to take the time to write out the blondie recipe for you, and ill get back to you with it. ill make sure to include some secrets and tricks in it ;)

as for my project, it is an original work. i cant give you any details about plot. but its a part of a very large series that im working on, like 12 part series (<- that is something i havent told anyone on here, so youre special for getting to hear about it).

weve interacted…id say a semi-decent amount, but id say we’re only acquaintances at most. you definitely know who i am though lol. its fine that you dont want to figure it out, makes it more fun >:)

FINALLY

KITTY. CUTE KITTY. HELLO BEANS *frantically waves* YOURE PRECIOUS. I MUST BOOP. she has such a :3 face. i want to squish her so bad. *cute agression noises*

the weather here has been…idk, alright i guess. we only have a few inches of snow here, but the temps are supposed to drop like -20 something in the next couple days and im NOT looking forward to it. i am so not a cold weather person.

eeooguh texture…its the thing that can ruin super tasty food so quickly.

i dont have any pets at the moment, but ive had lots growing up. dogs, cats, horses, even chickens at one point when i was really young. a pet that i want to get is a Maine Coon.

aside from sleep token, what kind of other music do you listen to? i dont remember seeing you talk about other bands/musicians on here before. second question, if youve gone to any, what was your favourite concert youve been to?

oh goodness, we've got quite the conversation going now, huh? definitely not complaining, though :3

I certainly do feel special getting those ✨exclusive details✨ hehe ^//w//^ that's such a big project wow!!!! have you made any headway on writing it yet, or are you still in the planning phase? how long do you think the finished series is gonna be, like are they short stories or multichapter stories? good on you for committing to something that big lol, I'm a little intimidated just thinking about it

oh, so we ARE a bit more familiar with each other then... well isn't that fun for you? since we've interacted before, and will almost definitely interact (off anon) again. I'll admit that I love me a little game of cat and mouse, especially when only one of us knows who we're playing with *//w//*

chickens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there's a backyard hens program in my city and that seems like so much fun!!!!!!!! and a Maine coon would be so so nice 🩷🩷🩷 a big fluffy friend 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

okay!! q&a time!!

I listen to a bit of everything, but I definitely hit metalcore/djent the hardest—it scratches my brain really nicely lol. For the same reason, I like a lot of electronic music too (I'm in a weird, on-and-off drum and bass phase right now) and more experimental alt pop.

bands/artists I like: thrice (beggars album and earlier), spiritbox, jinjer, alpha wolf, thrown, electric callboy, vukovi, ice nine kills, poppy (her heavier stuff), polyphia, mothica, nothing but thieves, etc etc lol. Sorry for the grocery list of names :P

and I've never actually been to a concert before! I'm seeing killswitch engage in Calgary next year, so that'll be my first one!

again, I'll hit you with an uno reverse and pass the question back to you :3 what's your taste in music look like? you're already into sleep token, so I'm sure it's *chef kiss* lol

[avaetin]

I am also long overdue with this. I wanted to fill this up, but I was also busy the week of Christmas (work and personal projects), so I am only able to come back to this now.

"found a new ship I love": There are two actually. One is Nion and the other is Nicobaster.

"returned to a fandom I had left": I would say - officially - I left the PJO fandom back in 2016. I updated "Syncretism" once in 2018, thrice in 2020, and finished it to the very end this year. And the only reason I returned to the PJO fandom was because I really just wanted to finish "Syncretism". I was at that point where I didn't care if anyone read it or not, I just wanted to give myself a closure. And I did. But even after that, I continued writing for this fandom lol.

"learned a cool thing from a fic (or from writing a fic): Too many to mention tbh lol. Personally, I keep learning cool things while writing a "A Kairos Moment". Like how there is a goddess named Bia who is associated with Ananke. Coincidence or fate? Lol

"made a fandom friend": So, this is actually interesting. Because I am horrible with interacting with people. I only interact with people who interact with me, and only if they do interact with me on multiple occasions. But I do want to interact with people, and I encourage anyone to interact with me. Just know that I'm horrible at reading social cues. But, I do have confidence to say that I have made a few fandom friends. 👉👈 [Tags: @drksanctuary, @yonemurishiroku, @books4evermorr, @namiisei, @haiseiscute333, @sunshines-child] Thanks for sticking around and dealing with my not-so occasional nonsense lol! If I missed anyone, it's not because I don't consider you one, but again, I suck at reading social cues. 👉👈

"fell in love with a new headcanon": I think my favorite one was Nico travelling around the world. And just people reblogging and adding that they would adopt him. That was the most notable one.

"fell in love with a new character": Aeon and Alabaster. In that order. (Sorry @drksanctuary---)

"hit a milestone worth celebrating": I actually hit two, I guess. This is just a personal thing. So, officially, I wrote 503,678 words this year. Which is a lot for me, considering I've never written that much ever before. And of course, finished my first ever long, multi-chaptered fic which was "Syncretism". ❤

"met or made a new OC": My Lord, My God, The King to my Prince--- Aeon. (Though, now that I think about it, is he really---) Oh. I did mention some characters, like the son of Eris, but they don't have any significance to the story so I don't think they can be considered...?

"got even more unhinged about a character": Nico di Angelo can vouch for this.

"participated in a fandom event": Surprisingly, I did! I didn't think I would lol! It's the jasico event this year.

[youredreamingofroo]

Long winded rant of me talking about NSB, doing a new series, storytelling and whatever else I talked about under the cut, feel free to read it's just me rambling, I don't really care if ppl read it or not it's VERY long 😭

I've been painfully itching to start a new series, I know I'm doing NSB rn, and I do plan to at least finish the normal NSB legacy (up to Gen 9), although I might finish or take a break at around Gen 5 or 6, just because I don't wanna lose motivation and also because it takes A LOT to make some of these posts (for example, the last NSB post... took a lot out of me), and I'm only on Gen 2, almost Gen 3 rn, and I was originally planning to do all 30 or 40 Gens in the updated ver of NSB, which def doesn't seem like it'll be happening right now, because at the current rate at which I post, and how fast things in my game move, Sims 6 will be out before I even finish Gen 30 😭😭

Anyways, I don't know what the series would be about, if I were to do a new series, it would definitely be a lot more story based, if not completely story based, I don't know if I'd do/include gameplay, but I really wanna dive into more storytelling and setting up scenes, I'm not a film or theatre kid by any means, and I really don't know much about writing and setting up scenes and stuff, to be honest, i don't even know how I storytell, I guess it's just regurgitated content molded to shape the statue of my story if that makes sense lmao, I guess it's also the art of using so many fucking metaphors and similes that doing something like comparing love to drowning in a cold ocean comes sorta easy to me? I'm not grammatically inclined and don't know a lot about punctuation, my teachers all kinda gave up on me in English class, so all of my writing is basically self taught, which I guess is the case for a lot of things I do- I feel like starting a new series would help me learn how to write better, even though it seems like a lot of ppl love my writing, I still feel like I could improve so much and do so much better. I already have a couple ideas in mind for a new series, I don't think I'll say much rn just in case I decide to make them a series, but as for right now, I've got plans for Gen 3 NSB (aka Calico), and if I were to start a new series, I would not stop playing NSB, but due to how I function and shit, I would have to put NSB on hiatus, I kind of have a hard time doing two stories at once, hence why Sharkie's story got put on hiatus, because it was too stressful for me to double up, especially with how often I post (at least 3 or 4 times a week), I would like to go back and play Sharkies story and share her story up to this point where I last played her, her story is a lot more gameplay centered (for example, I am more inclined to make a blender scene for NSB, then Sharkie, for Sharkie, I'd do stuff like go to the bar and see how it plays out and take screenshots and just edit those) which I like more, but that's not to say I don't enjoy NSB, because I equally LOVE storytelling as I do gameplay.

While writing this, I did think of something I could do, which would be posting NSB every other week (so one week I do Sharkie or some other series and then the next week I do NSB, then a diff series, so on so forth), the only problem is that usually when I get an idea, and I finish that idea, I like to post it asap, I'm not good at scheduling posts lmao, but it might be worth it if people want to see another series (that is if anyone is still reading up to this point lol), I'd like to channel my storytelling into a more story based save/story, but idk! I'm just kinda doing my thing rn and I'm at a point where i wanna do something different. I especially wanna start doing more in blender, it just takes fucking forever to do some of the stuff I wanna do, and some of it means learning new stuff which is thrice as hard and takes thrice as long compared to normal posing and stuff 😭

[butterflydm]

wot reread: the gathering storm (chapter 26-33)

spoilers for the gathering storm

1. Genuinely so ridiculous that I’m meant to believe that Aviendha didn’t go talk to Rand after The Event of the last section. It’s not like the Wise Ones have forbidden it or anything! yep, @markantonys - Aviendha thinks here that she ~dismissed Rand’s pain~ last night as a nightmare and I just... this does not seem believable to me on any level and just sounds like an excuse not to have her in the scene.

2. Anyway, after a month of Min completely ignoring this situation and taking advantage of Aviendha's avoidance of Rand (because she is inherently a selfish and jealous person who should NOT be in any kind of poly-adjacent relationship*), she’s decided to talk to Aviendha. But even now, Min is here because of “me me ME” reasons and not actually any genuine concern about Aviendha -- she wants someone to complain about Rand to, because she feels like he doesn’t trust her anymore. Maybe you should try being trustworthy, Min.

*I will note here that there's nothing wrong with Min being monogamous! That is 100% not the issue. The issue is that she KNEW she was unhappy with the idea of sharing her boyfriend with other people and yet actively chased after and seduced someone that she KNEW already was going to be involved with two other women! She knew! And yet she CAUSED the situation that makes her miserable out of her belief that since her prophecies are inevitable, she might as well actively try to hurt herself using them. And that's just... I'm sorry, that's just a stupid choice for her to make and I feel zero pity over all her ~internal suffering~ over this situation that SHE CREATED for herself (and again, Mat does the exact same thing with Tuon but his situation is even more frustrating because at least Min was set up as this character who believes so deeply in her own infallibility that she traps herself into her own unhappiness -- Mat was NOT set up as that character but inexplicably becomes just like Min when ~the moment~ arrives). Min would, otoh, probably be very happy in a relationship with someone like Perrin, who would be eager to focus on her to the exclusion of everything else in the world.

3. Min says she was ~worried~ when Aviendha didn’t come talk to her when she first arrived here with the rest of the Aiel. lol, liar. You were relieved you didn’t have to share Rand yet. I read your PoVs earlier in the book! Anyway, Min soon reveals that her true worry was that Aviendha might challenge her for Rand (...has everyone forgotten the shared confession & bonding?), and when Aviendha is basically like ‘lol I would only fight someone if they actually have skill at fighting’ (and Elayne asked her to be nice to Min, so she’s doing her best, lol), Min gets offended and tries to show off her ~knife flourishing skills~ which just makes Aviendha even more dubious that she has any real skill at all. “Why was it that wetlanders always showed off such flourishes with their knives? Thom Merrillin had been prone to that as well. Didn’t Min understand that Aviendha could have slit the woman’s throat thrice over during the time it took to flash that knife like a street performer?” Like... it’s not a competition, but it’s clear that if there ever WAS any competition between Min & either of the other two girls, Min would get smoked in a heartbeat.

Maybe that’s why Min remains so insecure and jealous, even when she’s the one in Rand’s bed. She knows that she only ‘wins’ her precious private non-sharing time with Rand because the other two are staying away right now for personal reasons.

4. The conversation with Min does annoy/frustrate Aviendha to the point of stalking away from her latest punishment from the Wise Ones. She sees Rand, who actually raises a hand and clearly wants to speak with her (I guess the events of last night woke him out of his month-long apathy?), and Aviendha lets herself get ANGRY over how unfair the situation is. Min “gets what [she] wish[es]” and Aviendha only gets punishments even while the day when the man she loves dies is coming closer and closer. She confronts the Wise Ones, and is told that her unwillingness to accept the unfair punishments that they are giving her is the sign that she is ready for the final test of becoming a Wise One and going to Rhuidean. ...and of course, Aviendha leaves without saying goodbye to Rand. They exchanged a SINGLE WORD in A WHOLE MONTH. That is so frustrating. Why was Aviendha even in Rand’s plotline if she had zero impact on it?

5. Here’s my opinion on what should have happened with Aviendha (though, obviously, my guesses are entirely my own): there was zero indication before this book that Aviendha needed to be a Wise One to romance Rand? In fact, her romancing Rand as an apprentice was ENCOURAGED by the Wise Ones back in The Fires of Heaven. So, cut out all that nonsense about her not having enough honor to hang out with Rand. Aviendha should have gotten private/personal time with Rand. This also should have been a time when Aviendha and Min actually learned each other as people instead of avoiding each other for a month. And, big change: Aviendha should have been studying Callandor because she literally can touch magic objects (ter’angreal) and detect what sort of magic (weaves) they do! I will die on this hill, lol. Aviendha working past her cultural taboos about swords to touch Callandor to help Rand & save the world sounds like it would have been a more engaging struggle to read about than her enduring endless punishments from the Wise Ones, at least for me. And it would even fit into a similar theme -- Aviendha standing up to the others and saying “To save the world, it is worth me doing this thing that breaks our taboos” could also have been something to serve as a trigger for the Wise Ones to say “yes, you have proven that you will stand up for yourself as a Wise One should”. It's so frustrating that Aviendha has a Talent that was used really only one time in the entire series despite... obviously being very useful.

6. Alternatively: do Aviendha’s plotline in another location. Because having Aviendha in Rand’s plotline and yet not actually intersect it at all is just silly.

7. At least Mat IS still heading north, even if it’s at an annoyingly slow pace. Slaver princess has made it all the way back to Ebou Dar (a distance that took them two books to cover) and he’s still in bloody Altara! Mat whines about the Aes Sedai not letting him go to the village on his own. Yeah, they don’t trust you. For good reason. You can’t DO untrustworthy things and then still expect people to trust you. (my issues with pod!Mat from Crossroads onward really are pretty similar to my issues with Min - the constant whining about the consequences of their own actions). You sheltered, protected, and defended the woman who wants to enslave them. Of course they don’t trust you anymore!

8. One of Mat’s first thoughts when he’s talking to Thom about rescuing Moiraine is how Rand will react to seeing her alive. Aw. That’s sweet! Mat can occasionally still make me feel An Emotion that isn’t related to irritation. That’s nice. It’s nice to see that a tiny hint of pre-CoT Mat still survives in there. We get him thinking about Rand again a couple of pages later, fretting over his missing hand and worrying about him. He tries to convince himself that he’s glad to be well away from Rand, and this moment does capture, I think, that vibe of Mat loudly lying to himself in his own head. This moment is the first time that Mat has really felt like MAT is a long while. He defends Rand instinctively here when Thom tries to insult him, flaring up very protectively.

9. Mat thinks here that he’s not a hero, just a fool. And, at this point in the book series, I agree with him. He IS a fool now, and certainly no hero.

10. Thom’s speech here about the Wheel and people reminds me of what Moiraine said in the show to Logain: “The Wheel is not hope, and the Wheel does not care, the Wheel simply is. But as long as it turns, folk may hope, folk may care.” vs Moiraine’s - “The Wheel doesn’t want things. It’s people that want.”

11. And Thom joins the gang of going “lol Mat is married” and not caring about the kind of the person that he’s married to. I mean, Mat’s wife literally would put a collar around the neck of the woman that Thom is currently trying to rescue, but apparently that doesn’t matter at all to Thom. He doesn’t care that Tuon would strip Moiraine of her name, of her dignity, of her sense of self. Tuon’s quality as a person doesn’t matter at all, just that he gets to laugh at Mat for ~acting married~.

12. We also come back here to something that I find annoying: the implication that marriage just changes you as a person, all on its own, even in the absence of your spouse or any good qualities on their part! Wedding vows are a magic spell! I don’t think that the show will play the marriage that way (if we get there), because the show has already shown an awareness with Mat’s parents’ marriage that marriage doesn’t magically make irresponsible people responsible or cruel people kind. Marriage is a specific legal way of forming a relationship, but it’s the relationship itself that defines the marriage and the people in it. Mat showed plenty of responsibility BEFORE he ever Said The Words to Tuon (in fact, he Said The Words while he was in the middle of committing a crime of deep responsibility and saving people from slavery) and Thom should know that. Thom has witnessed some of Mat’s greatest acts of responsibility. He should know better than anyone (except Rand) that Mat has ALWAYS lied about not being a responsible person. This is not a new thing that has been brought about by the mystical influence of marriage vows.

12. Mat wants to know where Rand is! ...so that he knows where to avoid, of course, lol. Oh, Mat. It feels like it’s been a while since I said “Oh, Mat” in a fond way instead of an irritated way. “I feel like I’ve been traveling through a tunnel for months now, with no sight or sound of the outside world.” Yeah, abusive relationships can thrive when they’re able to take root at times when the person is isolated from their other meaningful relationships, and when they’re deeply vulnerable. And now Tuon’s hooks are deep into Mat, unfortunately. That's such a depressing sentence but it also shows a clear awareness of the type of relationship that Mat is in with Tuon so... idk. That's interesting.

13. Honestly, given that Mat has already let Tuon normalize slavery for Olver, I don’t see how hanging out with the Band can ‘corrupt’ him any worse than that.

14. Hinderstap itself is an interesting enough horror-eske town but it’s just annoying how much it further delays Mat getting back to the main storyline. It’s hard for me to be invested when I want Mat to interact with people that I already know and care about rather than complete randoms. I kinda feel like that’s all I really have to say about this whole section. I feel like I would have a lot more patience for this if it were coming directly after Winter’s Heart, as Mat was originally escaping Ebou Dar, but I’m just so annoyed with the side quest vibes of the ~Mat and Tuon Pointless Circus Journey~ that it bleeds over into just wanting him the FUCK out of Altara already.

I've spent a lot of time during this reread trying to figure out where exactly the hitch was that slowed everything down in the writing and I kinda have it narrowed down to Mat or Perrin. Egwene's timeline is flexible -- Jordan could have said it needed less than a month for her to gather supplies before Traveling directly to Tar Valon (Gawyn's timeline was wholly dependent on Egwene's). So, Egwene isn't the problem. Elayne's also could have been given earlier inciting incidents to wrap up sooner (she spends a lot of time just waiting for the other side to do something too), so she wasn't causing the slowdown. Rand was literally sitting around a mansion waiting for a whole month for the Seanchan to reply to his messages. Nynaeve is just attached to Rand's storyline at this point and not helming her own.

And as much as Perrin's storyline bored/frustrated me at times... his timeline is also flexible, like Egwene's is -- there was no specific need for Faile to spend two months captive. She was captive as long as she was because Perrin's rescue of her involved the Seanchan and his slaver BFF Tylee is the person who proves to Tuon that Trollocs really exist... and Tylee can't do that if Tuon isn't back in Ebou Dar.

We were waiting on the Seanchan domino to fall before anything else could happen. Mat and Tuon's storyline is the one that bogged everyone else down logistically, in CoT & KoD. Both Perrin and Rand, especially, have to wait until Tuon is on the cusp of returning to Ebou Dar before their plotlines can progress. The Mat and Tuon enemies-to-spouses speedrun novella is what made everything else slow down to a crawl during CoT/KoD. Looking at the logistics, that's what makes the most sense to me. Jordan DID realize that he needed to do his best to make Mat and Tuon believable in order for the endgame of the story to work, so he invested a lot of time into it. imo he failed. But he put everyone else on pause while he forced the square peg into the round hole so that at least they LOOKED like they fit together, for now. (it's just that his solution was to carve out pieces of Mat so that Tuon would fit -- snip away his independence here, trim off his objections to slavery there, shave away his feelings about nobles abusing their power, etc -- and that's why the end result felt like a failure to me, because CoT/KoD Mat didn't feel like MAT to me).

15. There is another good moment here when Mat is talking about how running away doesn’t actually help and he bitterly says that he wishes everything would go bother Rand (prompting another vision) and then admits to Thom that he doesn’t mean it and that he doesn’t believe that Rand likes all the horrible things either. (also, for all that the narrative keeps trying to tell us that the “three ta’veren boys” are the ones connected through the visions, Mat and Rand have a MUCH higher ratio of thinking of/having visions of each other than either of them does with Perrin; and Perrin is very good at quickly dismissing any thoughts of them without dwelling for paragraphs).

I’m honestly still puzzled at how Mat knows that the woman in Rand’s bed is Min. He’s been in the same city as her only twice in the entire book series (both very early on and not for a long period of time) and never got a proper introduction - one of those times was Baerlon and the other time was in Falme and they might not have ever seen each other at all that time, since we know Mat & co left before Rand ever woke up and Min was hovering very possessively over Rand during that time. It’s honestly not confirmed that Mat EVER saw her at all before he ‘recognized’ her in his visions of Rand having sex with her.

(this is not a Sanderson thing -- Mat was able to instantly recognize Min in his visions back in CoT/KoD as well).

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I suspect that in some original version of Lord of Chaos, Mat and Min’s paths actually crossed in Caemlyn rather than them missing each other by three days. But Mat being able to recognize Min instantly in his rainbow ta’veren visions feels off because Jordan was normally impressively good at keeping in mind what the characters actually knew about each other. Because even if Mat did see her in Falme, Min has changed her look up a lot! Her previously straight and super-short hair is now in ringlets that she curls daily (...which I have my suspicions is because Elayne has natural curls and Min is VERY competitive), and while she’s still wearing trousers, the TYPE has changed drastically. Back in EOTW, her clothing was simply described as “she wore a man’s shirt and trousers” but now her shirts are cut low to show cleavage and her breeches are so tight that she has trouble pulling them on and she wears boots so tall that it adds a pronounced sway to her walk. That’s drastically different than just “a man’s shirt and trousers”. She used to wear practical clothes and now she’s basically doing her own episode of Project Runway every day.

Here’s the quote from EotW where Rand tells Mat about Min:

After a while he found himself telling Mat about Min.

“A dagger with a ruby, eh?” Mat said. “I like that. I don’t know about the eye, though. Are you sure she wasn’t making it up? It seems to me she would know what it all means if she really is a soothsayer.”

“She didn’t say she’s a soothsayer,” Rand said. “I believe she does see things. Remember, Moiraine was talking to her when we finished our baths. And she knows who Moiraine is.”

And then the conversation moves on to Moiraine. The conversation was focused on Min’s abilities and not her looks.

Then in TGH:

“Gone.” Min’s face colored. “They’re all gone. Egwene and Nynaeve, and Mat, and Hurin, and Verin.”

That’s the only time that Min and Mat would have potentially actually met and Mat was, well, not exactly himself. Min did see the Horn of Valere, so she may have met Mat during that time. Once, briefly, lol.

Per TDR, Mat was so sick during the journey to Tar Valon that he’s unconscious for days at a time. And, of course, when he does finally wake up, he has those famous holes in his memory that he becomes desperate to fill. Mat and Min do not know each other! Potentially briefly when one of them was so sick that he lost almost all his memories of that time does not count as ‘knowing each other’. They know OF each other (because of Rand), but they do not know each other.

16. Definitely out of character for Joline to call Mat ‘Matrim’. She’s never done it before and she wouldn’t taint herself by calling him the same name that the slaver woman calls him anyway.

17. Mat does mention here that the worse things get and the more tragic his life is, the more he feels the urge to try to laugh it away. I feel like that ties back into Mat’s hysterical laughter at the end of Crossroads of Twilight when Tuon has made herself grand-captain-owner of the circus or whatever and he’s feeling well and truly trapped by her but... yeah. It’s just... frustrating. The entire Mat and Tuon ‘relationship’ rests on the foundation of Mat straight-up ignoring the majority of Tuon’s personality in order to focus on the tiny bits of her that aren’t a toxic horror show and force himself into loving those teeny-tiny non-trash parts of her, but it also feels like that text only ever glancingly acknowledges that this is what he’s doing? So it just all feels super weird that the narration tries really hard to ignore (in Mat PoV) that he’s married to a slaver (and not just by Mat! By the other characters too!) but in Tuon's PoV, it’s clear how deeply that part of her is foundational to her personality and her life choices. It’s jarring but in a way that doesn’t feel... intentional? I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But I’m going to keep that “the worse things get for me personally, the more I laugh about it” note in mind as we continue with Mat.

18. imo, the main part where Sanderson falls down here in comparison to Jordan is not in Mat’s characterization (Mat’s character was thoroughly trashed in CoT & KoD already; frankly, there have been genuine moments in this section of TGS where I have actually Kinda Liked Mat Again, something that I was beginning to doubt would ever happen after CoT & KoD crushed my affection for him out of me) -- but in the absence in the text so far of Juilin, Amathera, Egeanin, etc. Jordan was... and I really do wish that he’d left more notes behind on the Seanchan, because I DESPERATELY wish that I knew what was going on in his brain... even as the Mat & Tuon storyline was... a horrific waste of potential... Jordan had the secondary characters basically doing the storyline that Tuon SHOULD have been doing. And that secondary storyline is something that we have lost here -- with Juilin and Amathera, with Egeanin and Doman, with Aludra, and with the two remaining ex-sul’dam. The Aes Sedai still exist here as part of Mat’s story, as well as Thom, Talmanes, and Olver, but the rest of the secondary characters have faded into being fully background characters, at least for now. And given that in CoT & KoD Jordan stripped all the anti-slavery sentiment out of Mat’s character and only let it exist in the secondary characters, that means that any anti-slavery sentiment is now entirely gone from Mat’s storyline. I feel like this was probably more an artifact of trying to focus on “the main story” rather than any other intentions, but I feel the loss of it.

19. Rand’s List (of Women he has gotten killed that reminds him Never Kill Women) is running through his head, featuring such hits as:

Moiraine, who ‘died’ entirely because Rand refuses to kill women

a woman who was literally trying to kill him

the woman who sold him to the White Tower for a crown

an actual Forsaken who was actively trying to force him to murder his girlfriend

20. Rand wonders here if Lanfear is alive again, the way that Ishamael is alive as Moridin, making Moiraine’s sacrifice mean nothing. “The list would remain, but he would never again be too weak to do what must be done”. *hums thoughtfully*

21. Rand’s paranoia is starting to touch even people who haven’t ever hidden things from him, like Dobraine (...hey, wait, if Dobraine is here, then who is running Cairhien right now? Wasn’t he in charge of Cairhien? yeah, it mentions here that he was recently Steward of Cairhien. I do not remember Dobraine being sent off to Arad Doman. Did that happen in KoD and my brain just skipped over it?). lol, Rand’s revisionist history here about “mostly” trusting Moiraine. You “mostly” did not trust her, bro. I was there. This is retroactive trust based on the fact that she ‘died’ for you.

22. lol, Cadsuane is trailing along behind Rand’s group, making sure to stay out of sight in order to Technically be following his threat to her. Rand is basically just like “yeah fine, as long as she doesn’t try to bother me, whatever”. He did take back the Choden Kal that she’d stolen from him. I’m assuming he took back anything else she might have stolen too.

23. Min gets to be added to Rand’s Fridged Ladies list even though she’s still alive! Why is that so funny to me? Also, sheesh, Rand, tell LTT to at least call her by her preferred name. Seriously, though, if nearly killing Min traumatized Rand (which I agree that it SHOULD have done) then... she absolutely should not still be in the same city as him and definitely not in the same bed. Rand not sending Min away to somewhere he deems ‘safe’ would be very very out of character (though this isn't new with Rand & Min). He NEARLY KILLED HER. He shouldn’t want her anywhere near him, in case he actually DOES kill her the next time. But Min has nowhere else to go and nothing to contribute, so she’ll probably stay in Rand’s storyline for now, despite it making zero sense.

The way that it’s justified in Rand’s plotline here is that he’s “stopped caring”. Not about Min, per se, just about whether or not Min dies because of his actions. Seems like a distinction without a difference, but okay, lol. “If she died, he would add her to the list and suffer for it.”

The thing is... okay, I see what Sanderson is trying to do here -- showing that Rand’s nihilism is reaching the breaking point by using Min as the “he’s willing to risk even Min’s death because he no longer sees escaping death as possible or even desirable” marker line but the problem is that Rand was ALREADY dragging Min into dangerous situations even before the event with Semirhage. Like, he was keeping Min in his bed while avoiding Aviendha. He took Min to the cleansing and to Far Madding to kill the traitors even while trying to limit how much danger would come to Elayne or Aviendha. He let Min ‘talk’ him into taking her to the meeting with ‘the Daughter of the Nine Moons’. So there’s already a precedent of Rand being willing to risk Min’s dying on his account, so the change is not as striking as it would be if he were thinking this about Elayne, Aviendha, or his dad, or literally ANY of the Two Rivers’ soldiers who came along with Perrin in LoC, all of whom he has been avoiding to try to protect them. This is basically the same thing that Jordan did with Rand and Min SEVERAL times, where Rand has ~hardened himself~ yet again but is always ~too weak and soft~ to send Min away. I think this exact scenario happens at least three or four times in the series, lol.

24. Now this conversation with Merise, where Rand is cold and quiet (and thinking deeply disturbing things about why get worked up about people annoying him if he can just ~snuff them out like a candle~ if they bother him too much) much more effectively conveys Rand’s shift in mindstate, imo. Rand is deeply right at that intersection of scary/sexy, where he projects being cold and ruthless yet is still... on the side of the good guys. But in a way that is somewhat worrisome. Sure, he’s definitely still planning to save the world... but how much of the world would he let burn in the name of ‘the ends justify the means’?

25. Oooh, Rand is carrying the sa’angreal as a way of distracting himself from wanting to reach out to the True Power again. He thinks here how the Dark One was originally rediscovered as a limitless source of power. Now that he’s used the True Power, it’s a temptation to use it again, so he’s using the additional temptation of near-limitless saidin at his fingertips to help trap him between the two so that he won’t use either of them. That’s clever -- it reminds me of how he played the evil of Shadar Logoth against the evil of the Dark One.

26. Rand thinking fiercely here about how he “would not be collared again” which mirrors Egwene thinking about it during her last dinner with Elaida when Elaida was dismissing the danger of the Seanchan. Mirrors! Foils! Why doesn’t the narrative ever let Rand directly identify with the people who share so much in common with him? (again, a frustration that dates back into the Jordan books)

27. Hmm, Rand misses Aviendha, and wishes she hadn’t avoided him during their shared month in Arad Doman, but thinks that it’s probably better that she left, so that Rand won’t. You know. Accidentally kill her or be the reason she gets killed. The exact thing that he’s given up on worrying about re: Min, in other words. “His enemies didn’t know of her yet.” (which is implied is the real reason that Rand didn’t try to bridge the gap between them when they were all together). But the only reason that your enemies know about Min is because you publicly parade her around as your mistress, so that kinda seems like it’s on you. Again it’s... that same weird dynamic comes up where Rand expresses his love for EVERYONE ELSE (Aviendha, Elayne, his father, literally all the Two Rivers’ soldiers) by trying to stay away from them, but he’s given up on trying to ‘protect’ Min and just figures he’ll ~add her to the list~ if he gets her killed/unintentionally kills her. Rand’s protectiveness hasn’t changed! This is exactly what he was doing before the Event with Semirhage! It’s not that he’s any colder when it comes to the people he cares about; it’s that he’s always been willing to risk Min’s life.

(again: I don’t even think that this attitude of his is healthy! I think he should be willing to let the people he cares about make their own choices about the risks they choose but! the contrast between how he treats the other people he loves vs Min is... just weird, especially since she’s much more vulnerable/helpless than either Aviendha or Elayne, or his father and the Two Rivers’ soldiers, for that matter. The most helpless one is also the one that he feels the least willpower to actually protect. It’s SUCH a strange dynamic. Like, if Min and Rand’s relationship had been outed due to no choice of their own, so Rand was just rolling with the consequences of that, that would be one thing, but he was literally parading her around in public and she was ~famous~ in Cairhien for being in his bed. like, the only reason that their relationship is public is because they chose to make it that way --  again, the obvious contrast is Min saying how it’s smart that Elayne tore down his banners, so that the Forsaken would be less likely to go after Elayne as Rand’s love, and Rand reluctantly agreeing with that logic. Elayne and Aviendha are to be protected from Rand’s enemies, but Min has practically been held out as bait - and, like, if that were a deliberate strategy, that would be one thing and potentially very clever as long as Min DID have a secret way of protecting herself (like Mat's medallion, for example, lol), but it’s clear in both Rand and Min’s thoughts that this is NOT a deliberate strategy so all it does is make it look like Rand subconsciously has already written off Min as dead and thus expendable -- I mean, now she’s even already on his list of Dead Ladies!)

28. (Rand does wonder here if “Min’s presence” had kept Aviendha away during their month together -- again, no thoughts about... you know. That big group Bonding? Apparently not. They all confessed their love to him at the same time and said they would share him, but Rand shows no memory of this event, lol)

29. While Rand is definitely having some very concerning moments here re: ruthless calculus of war and all that... he’s not wrong that Graendal needs to die by balefire in order to ensure that she won’t pop up again later to be a continuing issue. Ruthless!Rand makes some good points, is all I’m saying.

30. Ah, we get a nice reminder that Taringail was an awful person -- one of the few bits of ~fatherly advice~ that he gave Galad in Gawyn’s hearing was “never trust Aes Sedai” and “never trust pretty women” (and definitely never trust a woman who is both). It is a TRADITION for the Daughter-Heirs of Andor to be sent to the White Tower to get training, even if the vast majority of them never reach the level of Aes Sedai or even Accepted/Novice. This sounds like him trying to alienate Galad (and Gawyn as a bonus) from Morgase tbh, and to alienate him from the culture of Andor in general, which is a matriarchal monarchy that historically maintains friendly relations with Tar Valon.

31. ...I feel like the story/hints we’ve gotten about Taringail’s death is that Thom killed him because he was planning to assassinate Morgase in order to take the throne of Andor himself? Trying to sell all this to Galad does seem like he was grooming Galad to accept the idea of himself as Taringail’s heir rather than Elayne as Morgase’s heir. Can’t trust pretty women; can’t trust Aes Sedai... but the queen is a very pretty woman who trained in Tar Valon? Taringail was 100% trying to poison Galad against Morgase (and he failed to make Galad hate MORGASE but maybe planted seeds about mistrusting Aes Sedai in general, seeds that later blossomed into, well. Being a Whitecloak).

32. Ah, Gawyn is in the same trap here than he was back in the White Tower after Elayne, Egwene, & Nynaeve had disappeared -- growing increasingly frustrated because everyone refuses to give him any information. Honestly, you’d think that Siuan would see the signs here that she saw last time and throw him a bone, considering how poorly keeping him out of the loop went last time. He does compare Egwene’s rise to power here to his mother’s - a young woman proving that she had the political grit to win everyone’s respect. That's sweet.

33. Gawyn is SO STUBBORN (haha you'd almost think he was from the Two Rivers). Even now, he insists on believing that Rand is the cause of all his troubles, and he’s still trying to straddle the fence between two loyalties -- he came to ‘help’ Egwene but not Egwene’s forces (even though he does admit to himself now that they ARE her forces), just as he promised not to hurt Rand himself but not to help him avoid being hurt by others. Ah, Bryne brings the “who do you serve?” question back around to Gawyn, pointing out the flaws in his thinking -- are you still First Prince of the Sword if you’re nowhere near Andor and your sister, the (almost) Queen? What will you do if you ‘rescue’ Egwene and she refuses to quit the field of battle to come to Caemlyn with you? So, you know. He’s got a lot to think about.

34. For all that Cadsuane is complaining about the Domani here, they sound much more sensible than the people in Ebou Dar -- instead of constant duels that frequently end in scars or death, people just shout at each other for a while, and then come to terms and buy each other drinks. “Fights were common; bloodshed infrequent. Injuries were bad for business”. Cadsuane doesn’t understand the innkeeper who works here, though she appreciates him as one of her contacts, but honestly his relationship with his wife sounds really sweet -- he keeps the books for her business as a silk merchant and because of her popularity as a merchant, they’ve made enough money where he’s able to open a ‘hobby inn’, essentially, where he does all the serving and cleaning himself while she does the ‘big business’ for the family. Ah, he’s a good contact because one of his daughters went to the White Tower (Brown Ajah; works in the library...  we don’t know her current status).

35. Ah, a purpose of this chapter is to show us that Rand’s ta’veren luck twisting is now predominately negative rather than being a balance of positive and negative. The bad is now happening without the good to balance it. We also get a reminder here that apparently no one on Rand’s side has been told that the change in weather was the Wondergirls and not the Dark One, as Cadsuane blames both the drought and the sudden change to cold winter on the Dark One. I guess that’s another thing that Nynaeve could have told Rand but never got around to doing.

36. “Min had resisted every attempt that Cadsuane had made at involving her.” Okay, that is a hilarious sentence. That’s so untrue! That is rewriting history! Min was fully willing to be Cadsuane’s mood ring for Rand, fully willing to spill out Rand’s trauma to Cadsuane -- Min is the whole reason that Cadsuane knows about “the times he had been beaten and caged by Aes Sedai”. Like, Jordan also didn’t own the fact that Min is textually a blabbermouth but... Min is a blabbermouth. She’s also literally the ONLY reason that Cadsuane was allowed to stick around Rand for this long -- which Cadsuane knows (because Min TOLD HER, lol). However, I will note that Rand letting Aviendha avoid him for that month does mean that Cadsuane doesn’t appear to have any notion that the two of them are also entangled. That relationship does seem to be fairly well protected.

37. Rand is overseeing the grain distribution himself, because he’s noticed that it’s more likely to actually get to the people who need it if there’s direct oversight from him personally (though he wishes that weren’t the case). Rand learns from one of his Asha’man sent to try to negotiate another face-to-face meeting with the DotNM that they keep getting balked, with the implication being that the DotNM will refuse to meet on neutral territory (insisting on meeting on her stolen ‘home’ turf). Rand suggests they offer Falme as a meeting location, for ~historical significance~ and says that the Seanchan have enough honor that they won’t attack. I feel like he keeps forgetting that the Seanchan do not see channelers as people. You don’t need to honor an oath that you made to a chair. That being said, Falme is an interesting location for... intimidation reasons. “This is where I summoned dead champions to drive you into the sea” basically. Ah, Naeff tries to point out to Rand what I said -- that the Seanchan don’t look at Rand & the Asha’man as people but as potential slaves. Hmm, they do mention collars here again, which might just be them assuming that the Seanchan have more of the a’dam that can be used on men.

38. Thank you, Damer Flinn! “Differences?” Flinn asked. “I don’t think I’d rightly call that a difference, my Lord. They want to enslave every one of us, maybe execute us. They think it’s a favor to do either!” Rand doesn’t like it either but (because of the Aelfinn’s words) he doesn’t believe he has a choice.

39. Rand manages to get out of Nynaeve what’s happened with Lan (that she took him to Saldaea to ride across the Borderlands to face the Blight). It’s so... baffling that he needed to work to get it out of her. Why does Nynaeve resist so strongly telling Rand literally any information at all, no matter how helpful or relevant it might be? She DOES tell him about Lan when he pushes her, at least, which might not have happened if Jordan were still writing, lol. Wow, did he ever hate people sharing information with Rand.

Things Nynaeve Never Told Rand:

I guess that she and Elayne are the ones who changed the weather (on Egwene’s orders/permission)

That Mat was left behind in Ebou Dar when the Seanchan invaded

That the sul’dam are channeling learners, with damane being sparkers (Min could also tell him this, if she ever felt like being helpful and telling him something he doesn’t already know)

Literally ALL things relevant to his ability to make plans! What it feels like (from Winter’s Heart through Knife of Dreams) is that Jordan wanted Nynaeve in Rand’s storyline but absolutely didn’t want Rand to have any knowledge from Egwene’s section of the plotline (to make it easier for them to have a big misunderstanding once the White Tower is whole, I can only assume, and also to make it harder for Rand to wage any battles against the Seanchan) so Jordan just... had Nynaeve straight-up keep major secrets from Rand for no reason.

And that’s likely also why Elayne only got one night with Rand before he bounced, and possibly (if there were notes about Aviendha and Rand not interacting in Arad Doman) why Aviendha avoids Rand. Because Jordan very much always had Rand starved for information, so that he could make mistakes based on not having enough information. This also might be part of why Mat was slow-walked across Altara in CoT & KoD -- because Jordan didn’t want any of his plot-relevant information to make it into Rand’s hands.

40. This conversation here, with Rand musing that Lan’s death at the Blight could serve him overall in the Last Battle, does a good job showing him as having become ruthless. Because, sure, not necessarily wrong tactically-speaking but, as a voice inside him also whispers, what a terrible way to treat a friend.

41. It grates on Rand what a fragile position he may end up leaving the world after the Last Battle -- even with a hopeful peace with the Seanchan and food for Arad Doman, things would remain very uncertain here. He wants to do what he can to buffer the world from another Breaking. But there are too many problems and only one him (another reason that it’s so baffling that Jordan had him spend a month chilling and waiting on the Seanchan to reply to his messages, post-cleansing. There is SO MUCH for him to do. Honestly, it’s such a relief to see Rand actually Doing Things again, let me tell you). But that is the reason that he wants to find the Council of Merchants to appoint a king here rather than doing it himself -- because his authority will die when he dies. Rand is again, very aware here of the Seanchan as a potential threat, assuming that they would immediately move in to scoop up Arad Doman if it were left vulnerable post-Last Battle, even if a peace were theoretically in place. I’m keeping an eye out to see if this belief ever changes.

42. Okay, part of this conversation between Nynaeve and Rand is very good, but her throwing “do you even know where Mat is?” in his face when she... purposefully kept Mat’s location a secret from him is... just a baffling addition. But I like how it shows us that despite Rand THINKING about how he is hardened and cold, he is actually clearly a simmering volcano of potential violence at this point, because it doesn’t take much for him to start yelling at Nynaeve and threatening to exile her as he exiled Cadsuane. Rand’s perception of himself doesn’t match his behavior.

43. Rand & Egwene both time-jumped a month into the future in their narration but Perrin & Mat haven’t, so we get hints into Perrin and Mat’s future plotlines here in Rand’s rainbow ta’veren vision, seeing Perrin talking with Galad (dressed as a Whitecloak) and Mat riding into Caemlyn with Thom (I guess that explains why Mat is still slow-crawling across Altara while slaver girl is already in Ebou Dar -- Tuon joined the time-skip with Rand & Egwene). “They both needed to be with him for the Last Battle.” STABBING the narrative with shearing scissors. I do wonder if this conversation with Nynaeve would have gone differently if it were in private? Rand explicitly has thought in the past about how he needs to pretend that the Two Rivers and everyone from the Two Rivers are unimportant to him, and they are in front of Domani nobles right now. I don’t imagine he wants them (any of whom could be Darkfriends) to think that he cares at all about Mat, Perrin, or the Two Rivers. That being said, Rand’s passively suicidal streak is also becoming worryingly active, and his temper is on a very short leash.

44. Nynaeve does Investigative Work and uncovers the actual person who killed the messenger from “the king” (actually Graendal), capturing him and bringing him to Rand. Rand was in bed with Min before Nynaeve woke them up. You know, the person that he almost killed with his own hands only a handful of nights ago. But it’s okay! If he kills her by accident, he’ll just add her to the list (again). No big deal! And that Min apparently has ZERO trauma from being STRANGLED by the man that she loves/maybe trusts is another big illustration of her being a plot device and not a character. The plushie that you need to cuddle to get to sleep isn’t allowed to have nightmares of her own. She still has BRUISES on her neck from when Rand NEARLY KILLED her and she has absolutely zero issue sharing a bed with him? Min is immune to trauma! How lucky! Min silently follows him into the room in a thin robe, to be a Sexy Set Decoration.

45. lol, Min is in this entire scene and doesn’t say a word the whole time. She’s literally just there for decorative purposes. I mean, I laugh about it because it’s so frustrating (their entire relationship) but... their relationship really does add so little to the story. And it’s frustrating Because I think there actually could have been something interesting in the Seer and Prophecy Child interacting, but because it’s A Romance, it’s watered down to the point of absurdity.

46. The other sad thing about Rand and Min’s ‘relationship’ is how it can distract from the actual point of the scene -- it’s heartbreaking how much Rand is completely treating Nynaeve like an outsider at this point! Yet it’s undercut by Min Sexy Lamping all over the scene. Every so often, Nynaeve has to note how Min is silently moving to a new pose, lol. Min has NOTHING TO DO HERE and simply should not have been in the scene. This scene, which is fairly tragic and intense otherwise, does not need Sexy Set Decoration, any more than we needed Min sexily swaying her way across a battlefield of corpses in Knife of Dreams.

47. Min falls asleep and thus achieves her final form: she is now LITERALLY a burden that Rand hauls around, leaving him less able to protect himself, instead of just being that metaphorically. Narrative poetry. I can’t believe she was literally in that scene just to be a pretty piece of set decoration, lol wow.

48. Anyway, Nynaeve Heals Graendal’s Compulsion on the assassin’s mind, but the Compulsion was layered so deeply and so thoroughly in his mind that there’s nothing really left anymore after all the Compulsion is gone. Nynaeve notes how Rand speaks of how he has seen this dozens of times, and she wonders if Lews Therin is the one dominating Rand’s mind right now, and how much she’s actually dealing with Rand. Though there is little of the person still left, Rand is able to get a location out of him -- Natrin’s Barrow.

49. During her conversation with Rand, Nynaeve realizes that he has completely extinguished any ounce of hope for himself or any future for himself. In order to make it to the Last Battle, Rand’s decided he can’t afford to hold anything back, that he has to use himself up to the last drop (oh that is Frodo in Mordor vibes). Now, how much of that is Lews Therin’s death wish bleeding through? How much of that is the crushing trauma after trauma that Rand has suffered? It’s a painful conversation to listen to (and, again, mildly undercut by Min the Sexy Set Dressing, lol -- but that makes me... hmm. Rand has essentially written both himself AND MIN off as dead, it seems, as Min is now officially on his list of Dead Ladies alongside Ilyena. Aviendha and Elayne (and Nynaeve, as he mentions here, as being allowed to still dream of the future when Rand cannot), he has not written off as dead, and so he accepts separation from them as part of that -- they are the living and he, and Min, are the dead.  huh. I am going to consider that angle as a potential way to explain Rand’s otherwise very out-of-character behavior around Min. This is a very new idea for me, but I’ll poke at it and see what I think. Is it possible that Rand as been thinking of Min as his living dead girl for longer than just the Event with Semirhage?).

Side note: talking about how Rand appears to have written Min off as already dead actually reminds me of something in Origins that I disagreed with! The author of that book noted that one of Tuon’s names is associated with death & Persephone (Kore being another name for Persephone) and had basically a surface-level read of “well, Mat kidnaps her and takes her to a ‘hell’ (tavern)” so that’s the reference related to the name and... imo MAT is actually a much better version of Persephone in this story. A core part of the Persephone story is about being torn between two worlds -- the living world and the underworld -- Mat is tricked into his marriage vows (he has no reason to believe that merely stating his future prophecy will lock him into it) like Persephone ate the pomegranate seeds without knowing what it meant for her future, trapping him halfway into the Seanchan culture, just as Persephone is trapped. Mat is the character who stands between two worlds who comes from one of the worlds and marries into the second, not Tuon, who is firmly the RULER of the world that she exists in (like Hades is the ruler of hell). And the arrival of the Seanchan in Ebou Dar, when Mat is first ‘trapped’ away from his other friends (the living world), also coincides with the ‘change in seasons’ because that’s when the Bowl was used by Elayne and Nynaeve -- Mat’s ‘kidnapping’ via the Ebou Dar invasion literally heralds the coming of winter. MAT is Persephone. Not Tuon.

Now, if Tuon had actually undergone character growth in CoT & KoD, then she COULD have (also) been Persephone. That would have been a much more interesting story imo, if both Tuon and Mat were bridging two worlds through marriage and felt torn between the new world that their spouse had introduced to them and the old one that they'd been born into. But it's clearly only Mat who is standing in two worlds, not Tuon. She firmly has both her feet in Seanchan territory.

[iveneverseenthesebowlsbefore]

Oh look more 6 and 7 thoughts cuz I've watched it thrice now and have lost all control of my life <3333

The whole 'feels like there's a storm coming' thing feels like Ed knowing he did something bad, he just doesn't remember it was baiting Ned. It's that good old adhd 'shit i know i should be feeling anxious about something but i can't remember what' feel.

Stede is sitting with Ed in his guilt room. That’s sweet :')

Ed’s not in there alone. Stede didn’t just throw it in a corner to ignore it, he’s in it with Ed, helping him to figure out a way through it.

Purple being the color of the tie thingy around Ricky's fake nose is interesting.

something something destructive consequences of Ed’s love something something?

I did NOT appreciate Steak Knife's fabulous belt the first 2 times through.

That is glorious.

Auntie knew something was up with Ricky by the way.

She didn't trust that mofo.

Another thought about Ned drowning - mirrors when Ed pushed Lucius off the side of the ship, a kind of a 'no turning back' moment maybe.

Lol caught Roach in his clay mask.

Hey guess what Ed can’t meet Stede’s eyes when he says last night was a mistake and he isn’t ready cuz he’s lying

He only looks at him when he says he doesn’t know who he is and doesn’t want to be a pirate because that's the truth. Local puppy man can't lie to his bf.

Small dog kitten man.

Hey is it just my imagination or is this guy

The same one from the first ep?

Cuz that'd be funny.

Oh and also Bill is everything. Bill is my new favorite. Lookit this fucking weirdo.

I would die for you Bill.

[chefeader]

Rant? - 25 jan '24

i feel so sad right now because i didn't score as much as i wanted to in my mock exam lol, my classmates and their parents had been evil-eyeing me since the past 2-3 exams ( the classmate herself told me this) cause i was scoring higher than my classmates, guess i got the evil eye, anyways i am giving back all their negative energies back to them, i wanted to have lunch w everyone after the exam i was so hungry but this girl in my class kept boasting about her marks , which really annoyed me because i never did that when i scored more than her thrice or something so i left without eating, anyways i cant blame evil eye for everything, maybe its my mistake i need to work harder, its alright. :'(

this world is so bad ngl lol people are just so jealous in this rat race.

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

just because I’m curious: does it bother you at all to wait to post chapters on a certain day or do you like having a posting schedule?  I have the disease where I absolutely have to yeet things into the void immediately or I will start climbing the walls LOL, even when I briefly tried to keep a schedule to finish older stuff (prisoner draft 2 and songbird) it just made me crazy and I ended up posting way sooner than intended!

dskjfhadfjs okay so this is the first time in my life i've had a posting schedule, and that was bc with "particular" i was trying out a method where i write the entire fic and then post, bc otherwise i have a tendency to like.... just let it sit for months unfinished lol. and tend to lose momentum. this way, i'm driven by the Overwhelming Desire to yeet the thing to the people and receive Sweet Dopamine of comments and kudos, but i don't allow myself to until it is Finished, and somehow this method works for my impulsive ass? idk, i've found a loophole in the neurospiciness i guess.

i did struggle IMMENSELY with keeping a consistent posting schedule once it was written though asjkdfhg. i picked wednesdays to post bc it's the wednesday fandom (haha i'm so funny) and just the meme of it all was keeping me on track tbh lol (i am a simple woman sometimes). multiple times i posted on a different day, either bc my impulsive brain just said hehe Yeet(TM), or bc i didn't proofread/edit the chapter fully on time bc i was busy. but overall i did like. okay, i think! i think what was keeping me from sticking to it more is that i wanted to start posting relatively early bc i am Impatient (i was done with this thing in october), but i wanted to space it out so that the christmas epilogue was posted a week or two before christmas, and this equaled to posting once a week. if it weren't for that i'd for SURE have posted more frequently and just picked a posting schedule that's more realistic for someone with poor impulse control lol.

so i think the trick is like edging yourself lololol, like do the max amount of time you can last without posting (and if that's like two days, that's good enough) and then the sweet dopamine of Yeeting it into the void is even sweeter! also accept that sometimes you will Not Stick to the schedule and that's okay, and you can still return to the schedule once you've had a slip-up!

i'm now done with my next longer fic and i think i'll just yeet it all into the void all at once, but that's simply bc i expect hordes of weirdos in my inbox calling me a pedophile lol. otherwise i would likely have posted thrice a week tbh. that is like the ideal schedule that wouldn't make me insane i think!

but yeah, for me i think this method's pros outweigh the cons!

[miracleandplagueau]

About the show, what are your opinions on Argos', both character and design?

I haven't watched the season 5 in full just yet so bear with me If I make some stupid assumptions in the post lmao

I fucking love Argos' visual design, especially in those screenshots with bloody moon. There's just something about it that flows so nicely: the hood with feather-like decorations, the vivid pink eyes with dark scleras and the capette especially. It's just soo charming to be honest.

As for the character.. I honestly didn't enjoy Felix as much as I wish I did at first. To me, he felt like a copy of Adrien, but egdy and cunning and something they pushed into the plot to make use of the emo chat noir from the amv because he was cool. I guess over time I did kind of warm up to him, mostly after he outsmarted Ladybug, but I didn't have many thoughts on him. I was kind of like dead center neutral.

However, I am kinda digging the Emotion. It wrote him as a very enjoyable anti-hero and proved that a 14 year old is twice, thrice as efficent in using the peacock miraculous than grown ass adults which by the logic of the writers shouldn't be an achievement to be honest. If Felix was the one that made Gabriel's plans, he would've had the miraculouses in his debut season

His character now feels more chaotic to me (positively), twisting the usual formula of the episode and just giving us some of that suspension - what will happen now? What will he do? Etc etc I'm surprised I like him so much upon rewatch lol

A funky little dramatic guy though I have to admit I'm a bit confused on the most recent leaks about him...? Hmmm

[shamera]

Back from the island! Yeah we spent three days at the convention, but the rest of the time was spent hiking and exploring beaches.

Attempting to find the hidden waterfall, year two-- has also failed, lol. That may have been the most frustrating thing to me during the trip, because I hadn't expected the reviews on the trail saying 'hardest part is walking on the beach' to be actually impossible for me. The majority of the beach was covered in stones half the size of my feet, who knows how deep, and going up and down in elevation along the shoreline about 5-8 feet every few steps. They slipped, they slid, and I needed two people to help me get past a lot of the parts. I gave it a valiant go until I realised that the next landmark on the trail was not 'around the next bend' of the beach, but rather around SEVERAL more bends of the beach. Realising that along with the fact that I'd have to walk back as well when my ankle was already protesting made me give up.

It did not help that I mis-stepped on that ankle thrice the previous day (the last day of the convention) wandering up and down the stairs of artist alley for several hours trying to figure out what last minute stuff to buy.

Sadly, there was a net amount of zero cdrama stuff there, and the only manhwa related item I could find was a singular ORV pin in the entire place. 😭😭😭 No S-Class merch for me (and honestly, I had no hopes on finding anything Lotus Casebook but my fingers were crossed) .

Went in a Rex Lapis kigurumi on Saturday (with plush! and a lot of previously bought merch, meaning earrings, lanyard, etc etc) and as Shinobu Kocho the next day, and my biggest complaint was... why was the heat turned up so high??? Despite it being a cool 8C outside, it was easily 27C indoors. Good for people in bikinis, I guess? But yeegads I was dressed for a winter con.

Bumped into a Scaramouche cosplayer by accident on Sunday and barely mumbled an apology before I ran over to meet a friend, but then I later saw her with a part of her hat broken later on and now I am RACKED WITH GUILT like did I contribute to that hfdjksa

...and then it snowed heavily on the day we came back, lol. I literally only brought one pair of pants with me, since I mostly wear dresses and skirts, so I was really glad I left that for the last day and then bundled up in both the one sweater and coat I brought.

(Underdressed? Nooo. I run hot, so I'm usually sweltering in the malls even in the midst of winter. It's why face masks are torture for me in the middle of summer, and I prefer not to go out, especially when the sun is trying to microwave me.)