#thoughts on my first six months as an indie author

[averymorstan]

One of the things I get asked about from time to time is my decision to publish on Amazon Kindle. 

I get it, Amazon is the Bad Guys (and honestly, I don’t disagree with you), but they did streamline the process in a lot of ways that make self-publishing on Amazon very easy. 

My decision to self-publish actually started last year before NaNoWriMo. I had a job that I didn’t feel great about the longevity of, and I also live in a pretty stressful situation that I don’t make enough to move out of. My job was quiet, though, and I was able to listen to podcasts during the day. I started to devour so many writing podcasts - DIYMFA, I Wish I’d Know, Author Like a Boss, Spa Girls, Indie Fully Booked and so many others that I can’t even remember all of them. Just day after day, doing my little data entry, and listening to pods. I’d already been writing fanfic and listening to people who decided to take their publishing future into their own hands and really commit to writing their original stories was very inspiring. 

I will say, some of what I listened to was very reminiscent of Multi-Level Marketing jargon.

Do I think some people make a ton of money on Amazon? Yes. But I have my doubts about some of the advice floating around on social media and through these podcasts about the real money that can be (or can’t be) made on Amazon.

I also feel like some of the speakers can be a little bit... elitist? Classist? But that might be a different post kind of subject. 

What I DID take away, around Christmas or January of last year, was that some of these books that were being published were actually quite short. I don’t know if other autistic people struggle with this, but I know I need ‘permission’ or an example of how something is done before I realize I could have been doing it that way the whole time. Sometimes, my brain commits to rules that aren’t necessarily true. For instance, I thought all books had to be long - they had to be like, at least 50,000 to 150,000 words. This always felt like an insurmountable obstacle to me because I typically can’t stay committed to a story longer than like, 20k. I’m ready for a new part to the adventure by the time I get to that word count. 

But a lot of these indie published authors were talking about rabid releasing, writing very short books, and managing to make content every few weeks. Because of this, they were saying it was possible to start making a steady income relatively quickly by cementing your work in the Amazon algorithms. 

I didn’t think it was possible. So, using my small town romance project from last year’s NaNo, I decided to test myself. I’m a fairly quick writer and I’d been writing fanfic for a while, so I knew I could bust out a pretty okay romance story within a short time frame. I built a little world based on my town/the towns I tend to hang around in and I created four books (plus a bonus story for Christmas) set in these towns. I would release one 15,000 word ‘book’ each month from August to December and see what happened. Each book had 7 chapters, had call backs to characters that you knew from previous books so you felt like you were checking in on old friends, and the stories themselves could only take place over the period of a few days - or, in the case of Falling for Apple, a few weeks. 

I started writing in March and worked all the way through until I started releasing them in August. In that time, I changed jobs to someplace I had less free time for writing, and I’ve done a few plays. I’ve also traveled out of town, continued documenting the process on my YouTube channel, and dealt with a very sick relative/family drama. I feel really, really good about what we’ve accomplished. 

I am also burnt out as F_CK.

All in all, if you don’t count my $12.00 a month subscription to PicMonkey, which I use to make my covers but I had already because of my history with blogging/making Insta content, I’ve spent about $25 on advertising. I’ve done a few boosted posts through Instagram and the rest has been talking about the books on my channel or on my Instagram/Facebook/Tiktok accounts. I was trying to use this method of mostly relying on the Amazon algorithms to do the work for me- that was directly out of one of the podcasts. 

I have made about $100. 

That’s it. That will not help me move out of my home and it is not the second income I was hoping it would be. HOWEVER, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and I’m very much due for a water break. 

Here is what I’ve learned throughout this process:

* Amazon makes it easy because they give you free ISBNs for your Kindle e-books. ISBN numbers can be Very Expensive, so this is a nice bit of accessibility for those of us living below the poverty line. 

* Amazon also has Kindle Create which basically formats your book for you/helps you format your books, so that’s pretty accessible as well.

* Amazon also pays you for page reads. So, yes, your book is free in Kindle Unlimited but you get paid per page read and that’s really nice.

If you have more asks about this process, please let me know because I do think knowledge should be shared and not kept where others (who don’t have the income) can reach it. 

[batmansymbol]

I hope this isn't a weird or too random question (and if it is, feel free to ignore ofc!) but I was wondering if you had any advice for someone thinking of writing full-time? The obvious question is, of course, can one make a living from it even if they're not like Stephen King or GRR Martin or something? Do you have any tips from your experience that you would have found helpful when first starting out? <3

Hi, sweet anon! Not weird at all. I'm happy to chime in with some (long) thoughts.

Firstly, yes! Authors can make a full-time living from writing even if they're not GRRM &c. I know a number of full-timers, and some of them aren't even NYT bestsellers.

As a caveat, I know very little about the indie/self-publishing space, so the following is based on my experience in traditional publishing.

I spent around 2-3 years writing books full-time. I no longer do that, and don't plan to return to it unless I have a big commercial breakout. It was just a never-ending parade of financial stress. It's hard even to give "tips" because so much is out of your control -- but if you're considering trying to write full time, you should definitely know what you're signing up for.

Here's an average situation for a non-bestseller trying to full-time it:

Let's say you've published two books, and your third is on the way (awesome!). For your first two novels, you got advances of $40,000, but maybe they've only sold 15k copies apiece -- not enough to "earn out" your advance and start making new money. So, you're not making a cent off your older books. Probably won't for years.

Let's say your book 3 is supposed to publish in June 2025, and it sold for more than your last books: $75,000. Pretty good! Advances are usually divided into thirds these days: 1/3 on contract signing, 1/3 on delivery of the fully edited manuscript (D&A), and 1/3 on publication. So that makes a $50,000 salary this year, yes?

Kind of. Right off the bat, your agent gets 15%, so that would make a $42,500 salary. A little tighter, but still seems doable. Also, you need to make estimated tax payments to the IRS. So, let's ballpark your taxes at $7,000, state and federal, which you'll pay in installments throughout the year.

Contract negotiations take a few months as usual, and let's say in April, you get the first payment: your first $21,250. Nice.

Unfortunately, your editor's swamped, and 2 months go by before they send you edits. When you get the letter in June, you're like -- shit, this is a more extensive revision than I thought. You start rehauling the novel, but after your month-long deadline passes, it's still not right. You take another six weeks before you're happy. It's now September.

Suddenly money is very tight. You got $21,250 in April, but since then you've paid $5,250 in estimated taxes, and every month you pay $2,250 in rent, health insurance, and food. You were supposed to have your second payment already, because the contract's estimated D&A date said September. But you still need to do line edits. You now have $2,500 in the bank. You are very aware that this will last a little over a month.

Your editor gets back after a few weeks, having loved your revision, and has sent you line edits. Thank God she didn't want a second round of bigger edits. But it's now October. You rush through the line edits, turn them in after a single jam-packed week. You have $250 in the bank. Your D&A payment is now due.

A week goes by. Where is the payment? You email your agent. She badgers the publisher. They say the payment will be sent through in a pay run next week, so after agency processing, it'll be with you in early November.

You have $75 in the bank. You start putting everything on your credit cards. Then your utility company makes a direct withdrawal from your checking account. You wake up to an overdraft notice and zero dollars in your account. Holy shit, you think, why did I choose this career. November hits. You are late on rent. Maybe you should start drawing from your retirement account, which you put $5,000 into, one time, three years ago?

When your payment arrives, you're not happy so much as ready to cry with relief. You start paying off your cards and sending late, embarrassed Venmos to your friends. You can finally stop declining invites to hang out because you have no money.

And by then it's November, and you're realizing that you really need to be thinking about your next book. If you were working smart, you got a jump on it earlier in the year, when your editor was late with your edit letter. Let's say you wrote an entire first draft back then, between January and June. (Which, to be clear, IS fast for a novel, do not believe the ridiculous standards of writing speed you see online.) If you now take six months to mold that first draft into actual art, then send it to your agent next May, and she wants changes, and you submit in July, and it sells after an average couple months on submission, you won't get your next contract payment until January, 2026.

ARE YOU ANXIOUS YET?

The above scenario is ordinary. An editor having a delay on an edit letter for a month or two, or an author getting stuck and running over deadline for a month -- that stuff is barely worth commenting on.

And there are all sorts of other bumps in the road. Let's say the publisher has turnover in the contracts department. Immediately, that'll be a delay on your signing payment. I've waited 6 months for a contract payment before. I've waited months for a simple email reply from an editor because the company was going through layoffs.

Add more people into the process, and it gets slower. Are you working on IP, let's say a novelization of a TV property? That team might take months to get back to you even on your proposed outline. Working with a freelancer or cowriter? Add weeks or months to every step. In publishing, you spend half your life waiting. You know what doesn't wait? Rent, taxes, and health insurance.

Anon, this is the shoestring, desperate kind of full-time author existence. If you're doing a little better -- still midlist, but better -- you might have earned out one or more of your backlist titles. That means you'll get additional royalties twice a year, usually April and October. That will help.

Or maybe you're a super-fast writer who's always, always juggling multiple contracts and shooting drafts in and out of your door. That's a decent way to make a healthy living as a full-time author, but you'll need to complete multiple books a year, for sure.

This is why I have a survival job half the week that pays my rent. The stress is still there, but it's less frequent and less intense. Honestly, given my sales figures, which are (checks notes) bad, I'm lucky to get to keep doing this after five novels. Because the biggest looming threat is that if you don't break out, editors will start shutting the door immediately because of your lack of established audience.

The only really reliable way to pay your bills is to break out. Then if your editor leaves your publishing house, and you get reassigned, and that pads 3 months onto the editing process, or whatever, it doesn't matter. You'll have actual, substantial royalty payments twice a year. Your advances will always be over six figures. You can live a normal life where you're not staring into the murky distance, wondering when some payment is going to soar out of the night and into your terrible bank account.

Or ... you can just get a day job. And you will get paid biweekly, reliably, on SPECIFIC DATES!!!, forever. When I tell you this shit was life-changing for me. Good God.

Obviously the biggest problem in this whole post is the bit where I wrote "every month you pay $2,250 in rent, insurance, and food," and worried if I was, in fact, lowballing that amount. What a broken world!

Anyway. Best of luck with the writing, anon -- no matter what your experiences in or around the industry, I hope the work itself continues to feed your soul.

RR

[yangsgirlfriend69]

I made it onto the Indie Bestseller list by posting on TikTok. Don’t do what I did.

IDK how to use tumblr but here are some thoughts

Maybe I should wait to write this, to have a little distance from publishing my book. When I see authors who are at the same place I am — a week and a day out from publication — their captions often sing the praises of their publishers. They’ll mention how grateful they are that all their hard work paid off, that the years of writing and editing and blood, sweat, tears, or whatever other bodily fluids they put into their manuscript were worth it for the moment the book came out.

For me, it wasn’t.

#

The writing process for How to Excavate a Heart was liberating. I came up with the idea while driving to a Long Island Panera (where all good ideas are formed), and started outlining it while eating their dubiously-sourced mac-and-cheese.

I then proceeded to, as I texted verbatim to at least three close friends, “fart out the novel.” I wrote it in about six weeks while on a train trip visiting family and friends, and I cherished every moment of the process.

That was in late 2019/early 2020, and it was the last time my feelings about the book were purely positive.

How to Excavate a Heart (HTEAH) sold in the late summer of 2020, to be published in Fall 2022. I was more focused on my debut novel, Almost Flying, that was slated to come out in the summer of 2021. Which it did, though if you didn’t know it existed you certainly wouldn’t be alone. It earned a Stonewall Honor from the American Library Association, and I think the week that happened it crested to a new high of 20 copies nation-wide or something depressing like that.

Needless to say, I was frustrated by what I saw as lack of support from my publisher, and was determined to not let the same fate befall HTEAH. I was already fairly active on TikTok after originating the Laura Dern Sitting Challenge (my one true claim to fame), but I had heard that TikTok was generally not a fruitful platform for authors, or that, even if authors were popular, it didn’t translate to book sales.

So of course my first thought was, “Why don’t I push this boulder uphill and see what happens?”

So I posted my first TikTok about HTEAH in February of 2022. It flopped in an expected way, but I continued to post about it consistently, and, over time, amassed a small following. The HTEAH hashtag grew (almost all the videos on it were are still are my own), and I was thrilled that people were hearing about my book.

At the time of writing this, the hashtag has over two million views, and I can directly trace over 1,000 individual sales/preorders of my book to TikTok and TikTok alone.

Here’s the price I paid: My girlfriend has watched my mental health slowly deteriorate over this time. She’s seen me quit writing to focus on promoting this book, for the small chance that, I don’t know, someone might care. And now some people do! Hooray.

I spent nine months promoting a book to get it to the sales that it might’ve gotten if my publisher had supported it. Or maybe not — I have no way of knowing. All I know is that if I hadn’t posted about the book on TikTok, you wouldn’t be reading this. It wouldn’t have gotten on the Indie Bestseller list. It wouldn’t have made the Indie Next list. It wouldn’t be a book box pick.

And I wouldn’t be so burnt out I can barely get up from the couch. I wouldn’t be depressed from staring at my phone all day.

Maybe if I hadn’t done all this, I’d be able to write again, to turn in work on time. To live each day without the fear that I’m not doing enough because if I don’t post a TikTok my book will sell horribly like my last one and then that’s it, I’ll be a failed author before my 25th birthday.

What a healthy mindset, huh?

So sure, if you post consistently on TikTok for nine months before your book comes out, enough people will buy your book that you might make it onto a list. But please, I beg of you, don’t. If your publisher doesn’t support you enough to give you marketing, don’t do it yourself. You cannot be an entire team. You cannot be your own publicist.

I am one person. And now I’m done.

Anyway, you can buy my book at excavateyourheart.com and you cannot find me on social media anymore (except maybe tumblr apparently). Stream Loneliest Time by CRJ.

[buckybarnesdiaries]

a place called home

© credits to the author, i found it on google. if you own it, send me a message to add your @.

bucky barnes x reader. ⎢ masterlist.

Request by @dora-wolfram-blog: Hi <3 so happy to see your requests are open! How about ex Avenger reader who can manipulate the forces of nature and she comes to help Sam? (Idk maybe calling fish from the sea so his family can sell and earn enough money for the boat?) There she meets Bucky who she briefly met after endgame and they get to know each other? Domestic stuff is my weak spot so thank you so much luv u <3

word count: 1.206 words.

warnings/tags: none. bucky being a gentleman and sam a pain in the ass as always.

author notes: none of my stories contain reader’s body descriptions to be inclusive.

Join the tag list here.

Saying that Bucky and you were friends wasn’t something exactly. You fought together a couple of times before you retired from superhero life. Like many of them, the war had finished and you chose calm over being a private agent. More or less like the ex-soldier, with the difference that he went to New York and you didn’t be able to find a home until Sam made you a call. He was quite the opposite of Bucky for you, connecting since the very first second you met. After he told you about his sister’s financial trouble, he offered you a roof to sleep under in exchange for your powers to control the tide and promote the movement of fish stocks. Of course, it was a hit, and you finally found peace in Delacroix. A celebration was inevitable, it was part of Wilsons’ DNA, but you weren’t expecting Bucky to show up with Sam; although he told you in your last call that they were working together. Or something like that.

As soon as your eyes laid on him among the crowd, you knew he had changed after more than six months without seeing each other. You couldn't help but feel happy for Bucky when you saw him smiling for the first time. He had a beautiful and innocent smile, seeming like a new man. Renovated, with want to live, enjoying playing with kids and talking to old men about war stories.

You had placed your back against an oak column, away from the crowd but close enough to check on everyone, in case they need help with anything. A beer was resting against your lips, doubting on continuing drinking, lost in your thoughts. There was something about Bucky going from one side to another, laughing unworried, that had fully captivated your attention. You weren't able to stop looking at him, chuckling when you saw one of Sam's nieces putting a magnet with the form of a crab on his left arm.

“I have that teen-in-love's face on camera”.

You frowned at Redwing some inches away from your face. As a response, you tried to slap it down. But your friend was faster than you controlling that thing.

“He looks good, uh?”

“Oh, shut up…” You replied by clicking your tongue and rolling your eyes, having a sip from your drink to put your eyes away to the sea.

“He asked if you'd be here… Just saying”.

“Shut up, Samuel!” You implored, rubbing the bridge of your nose.

As the night went on and the guests started to leave, Sarah asked you to take Jim and Jody home while she stayed there cleaning with his brother about the business. You were exhausted too, and she noticed it. And after saying your goodbyes, you headed to the parking where your car was stationed, carrying the younger Wilson onto your arms —peacefully sleeping— as his big brother was yawning loudly. At that point, you realized that it was going to be a tough mission to put them in the car.

“Wait! Lemme help”.

The male voice coming from behind you made you turn around and before you could react, Bucky was taking Jody from your arms to his. You smirked softly in response, looking for the key in the right pocket of your jacket to unlock the car. The soldier tucked the younger in the back seat, placing the belt around him as Jim occupied the other side of the SUV.

“It's been good to see you”. You said after closing the door, staying outside in front of him.

“Same”. He replied, not knowing what else to say.

Puckering your lips and clapping the key on your palm, you nodded with your chin, feeling the nerves running through your veins. “Good night, Bucky”.

“Good night, (Y/N)”.

You gave him your back, sighing inappreciably, to open the pilot's place and came in.

“He— Hey, wait”.

“Uh?”

“Sam told me… you were tired. I might give you a ride back home. I can wait for him there”. The offering made you glance towards him, already sitting in your car but with a leg rest on the ground. “If you want, I mean…”

Of course he did (...). That son of a bitch had the audacity to push you onto the other. You bit your inner cheek, landing your eyes on the wheel. Yes, you were tired. You woke up at five to sail with Sarah, then you organized the party and cooked for it. You hadn't had a single second of rest during the whole day. And Sam took advantage of it, feeling like he was some kind of Cupido. And you had to recognize that it was also very considerate coming from Bucky.

“I'd appreciate it… actually”. You ended up agreeing, stepping out to give him the keys and ceding your seat.

The ride was silent between the two of you, hearing some quiet indie music playing on the radio while you fought against your brain to stay awake. Luckily, it didn't take him too long to reach Sarah's house —although you were barely keeping your eyes open at this point. Again, he helped you with the kids, walking indoors and following you to their respective rooms. You tucked Jim and Jody on their beds, making sure they were comfy before placing a kiss on their foreheads and wishing them a good night. Bucky had rested his back against the wall, in front of the elder’s room, just waiting for you. And you could swear that you saw him briefly smirking because of the tenderness in your actions.

After closing the last door, you waved your head to urge him to follow you downstairs to the living room. With an exhausted sigh escaping your lips, you let your body fall on the sofa, curling on a side of it to give Bucky some space. You couldn’t help but yawn, turning on the TV by using the control remote.

“It’s good to have a home to come back”.

“Yeah… After all the shitty situations we’ve been through… We deserved a rest, don’t you think?” You replied grabbing a cushion from the floor, using it as a pillow over the armrest. “Sorry, I… I’m deadly tired…”

“Come here, that will hurt when you wake up”.

Bucky didn’t hesitate on beckoning to his arms, taking off his boots heel against heel to place both legs over the coffee table. You didn’t resist, knowing it would be comfier by his way. Sitting up, you lied to the opposite side, being wrapped instantly and snuggled against his warm body. Shameless, you rest your head on his right forearm, practically laying over his lap. But you felt good. You felt like it was a good reward after a long day, rolling down your eyelids and focusing on the caresses in your hair you didn’t know you needed.

For a moment, your mind wandered and fantasized about this last hour being part of your real life. Putting your kids to sleep and then cuddle with your husband till falling asleep. Smell Bucky’s strong and edgy scent. Your hands scratching his back. His fingertips stroking your scalp. Your legs laced (...)

Oh, God, Sam. What did you do?

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[thickenmyblood]

fics that got me through it, bestie

Pop Stars by silentdescant

Laurent has been famous since he was a preteen, signed to his uncle's label, Regency Records. Damen and Nik front an indie band and signed with Regency for the opportunity to go on a world tour and open for Laurent.

10/10, lots of trigger warnings for CSA but what else is new? I love this, yes.

Falling Through the Cracks by Anonymous

Someone's been kidnapping, raping, and murdering young men in Arles' red light district. When Laurent finds himself in their clutches, he realizes the killer is far closer to home than he'd anticipated, and suddenly his carefully hidden past has come back to claim him.

Listen... Read this if you like gore, body horror, pain, non-con, Laurent suffering, and Damen in a police uniform. Also, if you’re looking for a fic that studies Erasmus a bit, this is the fic for you. It’s got a lot of super interesting takes on why he’s the way he is, some of which I had never considered. Great, great work. And if you look at the comment section I told someone to suck my dick, so there’s that.

Last Words of a Shooting Star by rmayuscula

Aimeric and Laurent, from high school to separation

You know when you’re looking at a fic rec and someone thinks Nik/Laurent is a rarepair and you’re like... No, it’s not? Well, this is a rarepair fic. It is SO well-written and it’s super character driven and amazing and SUBTLE and good. I’m guilty of writing Aimeric a bit too manic sometimes but this author obviously doesn’t have that problem lol.

Do you think this could work? by MrsAmber

"I think we should stop doing this", said Damen propping himself on his elbow and looking at Lauren's face. "I think I want to start dating again."

Laurent stared back at him. "Right, I think this will be good for us. Before what we're doing gets out of control."

"Right? That's what I thought", he was already standing up to look for his clothes. "Wanna go grab a coffee?"

Okay, so. I was waiting for this to be completed but it’s only one chapter away from not being a WIP anymore so just fucking read it. I think Lamen is the perfect ship for this trope. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever read a casual hooking up fic before (or I have, but not quite like this one) but this is it, this is IT, okay? Because it just makes sense. And also the best chapter is the fourth one. It’s got that *sparkle*. If you agree please talk to me I have been so lonely none of my -2 friends read lamen fics anymore. Please. It’s so good!

Beg my broken heart to beat by VeretianStarburst

Laurent first met Damen in the visitation room at Marlas Penitentiary.

Okay this fic is 10/10, plot twist-y, and even Damen is good in it. BUT THIS IS CLICKBAIT YOU SHOULD ALSO READ THIS FIC BECAUSE IT’S GOT MOBSTER LAURENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Night on the Town by SteeleStingray

After adopting their new baby, Damen and Laurent have not had a chance to go on a date in the past 8 months. Damen convinces Laurent that they can handle one night out to relax and enjoy themselves while Nicaise, their adopted teenage boy, insists that he can handle a single night of babysitting.

With just 13 hours to enjoy themselves, what could possibly go wrong?

EVERYTHING COULD GO WRONG. EVERY. THING. And also don’t let Steele fool you into thinking ‘ah, yes, she loves rainbows’... no, she doesn’t? I want to say this fic cured my depression but it also made me cry so it’s a tough choice. NICAISE HAS A BABY BROTHER WITH CURLY HAIR. LYAS. AND LYAS PULLS ON DAMEN’S CURLS TOO. Just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: i always rec the same 2 fics by kirsten because my brain is just melted (read TMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! READ IT, PEASANTS!!!) BUT this time I thought you know what, I’m going to rec something different. Something spicy.

into the trees with empty hands by marrieddorks

Crown Prince Damianos of Akielos' betrothed has gone missing. The Northern Steppes call to him with promise. The Witch of Vere calls to him with answers.

also jk here’s the spicy one:

Unintended by marrieddorks

It was six days in the SICU before it happened.

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[essaysbyciara]

It’s Been A Long Time | Nebraska Williams x Black!PlusSize Reader [Part 1/?]

Warnings: language, smut thoughts (my ministry!)

So this has been in my drafts for a *HOT MINUTE* but that photo of Trevante in high school triggered a release. If people dig where it could be going, I will add it to my list of stuff to finish and open up a taglist. I’ll try my best to do so, I promise! lol

“God, I played this album out…” Lil’ Wayne’s seminal album, The Carter, didn’t age at all. Back in 2004, Wayne was a secret about to bubble over to superstardom, just years shy of lollipops and Static Major (rest in peace). Wayne represented the teenage angst of your time, even though you toiled in the suburbs while he wrestled with the streets. But as “On My Own” damn near explodes your factory speakers, a high pitch ping from your phone pauses your trip down memory lane. 

Message from Sheena: Let’s catch up before the babies wake up. 

You hit the call button on your dash once you stop at a red light. 

“Girl, hey. You on your way to work?”

“Ain’t I always, Shi Shi? Damn near almost overslept. Thought I missed my flight.” 

Sheena, or Shi Shi, is the epitome of a best-friend-forever. You two met in Ms. Grayson’s civics class, 11th grade. On the first day of school, you rolled into third period wearing a Scream Tour II t-shirt and if you were to describe Sheena in that moment, jealous wasn’t even the word.  She stanned hard for Lil’ Bow Wow but her mom wouldn’t let her go to the concert because she got caught with a boy in her room. That boy is now the husband half-way responsible for the twin girls she’s hoping will give her some grace by sleeping a little bit longer. 

“Damn. You wanna gift some of that sleep to these twins, God mommy?”

“Only if you gift me some of those post-pregnancy boobs, Mommy Dearest,”

“Can’t do that. Jarell been having too much fun with those!” 

“Girl, eww. I don’t need to know all that.”

You kinda did. Sheena’s stories were always live, wild and uncut. And the only fireworks you’ve been adjacent to in months since you broke up with that lame stockbroker, Keith. You curve around the airport parking lot as Sheena starts digging deep into her latest soft-core episode with her husband since the six weeks ain’t up yet. In between interjections of how nasty Jarrell could be and watching planes taxi in the distance, you cruise through Instagram to take inventory of what your day might be like. 

Managing social media for the biggest sports publication in the country was not the fulfillment of a dream after high school because, shit,  social media didn’t exist when you were in high school. But it’s what has you just hours away from a flight to the NFL Combine in Indianapolis, sitting in a parking lot, listening to your BFF’s slow burn sexcapades. You break up the audio immersion experience once your timeline displays something else to ruminate over.

“Sheena! Shi -- shut up! I can’t believe - you remember Lisa from high school? She got married ...and it ain’t to Brasco.” 

“Whaaaa… you can finally stop making u-turns in the hallway and snag your man!”

You didn’t appreciate the lowly dig from your friend about Nebraska “Brasco” Williams, star running back, track champion and boy so fine he made both Omarion and J-Boog look like ogres. Your high school crush had you shook to your pubescent core; pretty teeth, deep skin tone and two tattoos before the age of eighteen. You’d see him in the student parking lot with the rest of the football team and you’d rush to your car as if it would go home without you. He was too hot to handle. You were beyond envious that Lisa could. 

“Lisa ain’t do too bad. Her man is crazy fine. I mean, not Brasco fine but still…” 

“Man,  he had high school going crazy. I wonder what happened to him after that fight? I should stalk him on Facebook while I pump.” You laugh so hard, the couple walking past your car stops their argument to stare at you. 

Your laughs break once you realize you might actually miss that flight. You relegate Shi Shi to kiss the twins for you and to send his Facebook profile if she can actually find it. You tried years ago and failed. 

“Aight, fave. I will.  Love you. Text me when you touch down in Indy.” 

As you weave through the terminal, your mind thinks back to the days at New Birth High School. While it brought you joy in a forever friend and the launching point for your forever career in sports journalism, it did bring you one of the most hurtful days of your life that took years to shake. 

It was the summer going into your senior year. Lisa’s sweet sixteen pool party. No way in Hell you thought you’d be there but your Mom and Lisa’s stepmom sat on the same deacon board at church and somehow thought you two were friends; Lisa paid you dust in those hallways. You fretted over every part of your outfit, especially the swim shoes you didn’t want but your Dad picked up at Sports Authority. But you were fretting the most over your swimsuit, a red one-piece with a deep open back. It was sexy for a 16-year-old, to be honest, but you secretly tried it on at the mall and fell in love with it -- especially how it made you feel. 

You fell in deep love with your body that day. The way the swimsuit clenched your waist, giving your almost-pear shape some definition you’d never seen before. Your hips sat wide, your breast placed taunt, just peeking through the sides, showing off a crescent shaped birthmark right below your collarbone. It was Jet Beauty of the Week-esque and it made you feel on top of the world. Something that society kept telling you a plus-size teenage girl was not to feel. You used the last of your paper route money to buy it and hid your secret weapon in the back of your closet until the day arrived. You were hoping to get some boy’s attention -- especially Brasco. But you’d take anybody’s glare if you could get it. 

You were in the clear once your Mom dropped you and Sheena both off at Lisa’s back gate. As you walked into the party, the sounds of the local hip-hop and R&B radio station blasted throughout her huge backyard. So much fun was had -- so much splash and dash -- that the faint sounds of “Knuck If You Buck” failed to erupt a party full of teenagers it was made for. The pool seemed tempting in 90-plus heat but most of the temptation came from the jacuzzi next to it. There inside sat Brasco, his lanky on-field wide receiver sidekick Kenny and Jarell, Sheena’s partner-in-bedroom-bust crime looking delicious in their highlighter-color swim trunks. You were still figuring out your body and the reactions conjured up from the sight of water droplets chasing down their backs confused you even more. But the heat of the sun -- and the heat from your body -- got too much to bear. That pool called your name. 

You stripped off your t-shirt and denim shorts, leaving your swim shoes back by the picnic table. They clashed. Your nerves splashed together like the water you couldn’t wait to feel, battering against your heart. Were you ready for all this attention? Amongst the rest of the classmates, you disappeared. You weren’t popular. People knew of you but didn’t know you, only associating you with Sheena by proxy of Jarell. “My Goodies” came on the radio, providing you a soundtrack and a sign from God. Before you could answer the call, Sheena jumped into the pool. You tossed your glasses on top of your clothes and did the same. 

The water felt golden. Sheena smacked your face with sheets of chlorinated goodness. Too much fun was had by all, even Lisa joined in the fun. Suddenly the entire football team did too except Brasco and Jarell, languishing on the edge of the jacuzzi because like most boys from their side of town, they didn’t know how to swim. Lisa saw her boo in isolation and tapped Sheena on the shoulder. 

“Hey, Shi Shi. Let’s get in the jacuzzi.” Sheena grabbed your hand to guide you out of the pool. You weren’t expecting to see your Mom at the other end. Sheena didn’t grab you to join her in the warm bubbles, she got you out at the angry-faced-behest of your mother. You both were going home. The party silenced and stares followed as everyone watched your walk-of-shame to grab your clothes. You got what you wanted in the worst way possible. 

Your unholy exodus commenced when Lisa’s mom called yours to report what she saw: this red bathing suit too revealing for a little girl to wear. It wasn’t the green ruffled mess-of-a-bathing-suit from last year. She claimed to witness stares and whispers and “boobs hanging out, butt all out.” Your mom got over there quicker than a church shout. She waited to scold you after she dropped off Sheena. 

It was a Sunday School scolding like no other. Tears pooled deep like the one you were just having fun in. You tossed the bathing suit into the trash bin. You were never going to see it again. 

The announcement of your flight breaks you out of your day nightmare. Grabbing the handle on your suitcase, you see a text with an attachment from Sheena. 

Girllllllllllll. I found Brasco and babyyyyyyyyyyy… 

You gasp. Time did a wonder on him in all the right ways. He packed on even more muscle, chiseling out the navy thermal dressing his upper body. Teeth still bright, Moonlight-bright. His Omarion-Pandemonium-era braids were gone, now donning a clean fade with perfect waves. His stance meant business, a lot of it risky. You bite your lower lip to mask the “damn!” urging a release from you, staring at his picture so intensely that you damn near walk into the stewardess checking your boarding pass. 

You couldn’t wait to get to your first-class seat. You needed a safe space to drown in your own splash waterfalls. You beg Sheena to send you his profile, looking to make some more of that mess and she obliges. Scrolling through his Facebook, you see nothing. You needed him to match your uncleanliness. Another text from Sheena breaks you out of your spell. 

Ain’t shit on here though. I can’t find an Instagram or anything. That’s where the dirt is at lol 

You put your social media skills to work. Ain’t an Instagram profile that you can’t find. Nebraska Williams brings up nothing. Such a unique name and nothing to show for it. 

Maybe Jarell can follow him, Shi. 

Jarell ain’t on this thing. He hates all this stuff. You want me to follow him? 

Girl, yes! I need more pictures! I’m trying to find his ‘gram and no diceeeeeee. Ughhhh. 

Damn the “no cell phone until after lift off” announcement. You then try “Brasco”, too many names -- rappers, really--  and a dog company to boot. “Brasco Williams” yields no results. You couldn’t wait what could be hours, days,  weeks, maybe never, for a response from Brasco to Sheena’s friend request. 

You pull up Google as a last ditch effort. The results bring up what only seems to be archives from your now-defunct city newspaper covering one of Nebraska’s record-setting games from 2005. You know to quit while you’re ahead until you see a Youtube video: “Nebraska Williams (RB) New Birth High School (MD). uploaded by Donyell Williams. You remember Donyell as this boy who played too damn much in Geometry class but right now, he’s Brasco’s cousin who's Instagram profile came up on the first search. Thank God his profile wasn’t private. You scroll back far enough to hit the jackpot. 

I found it! @donniebrascowill is his Instagram. 

Sheena was right about the dirt. His posts were bare but his stories carried enough. Enough shirtless, weightlifting, fresh-out-the-barbershop-got-to-show-you-the-fade dirt. You hit the follow button before the stewardess asked for your drink selection. 

End of Part I

[nanowrimo]

I Published My NaNo-Novel: How 50,000 Words Boosted “Bear Boy”

The path to publishing a novel isn’t always easy. Today, Justin Barker, author of the novel Bear Boy, offers some insight on making difficult decisions, both in writing and in life:

“You have 12 hours to live.” A drum starts to beat like a heart and quickens.  “What would you say?” my yoga instructor asks, “Who would you want to see? What are your regrets?” It was day 40 of a yoga retreat, and tears streamed down my face as I scribbled my thoughts, but there was one I couldn't get off my mind. It was a regret: that I had never helped another zoo animal. I had spent much of my teen years speaking out against captivity, fighting to free Brutus and Ursula, two bears living in abysmal conditions in a cage near my home, and I had succeeded against all odds. That felt good, but I was an adult now with an adult’s awareness and power. And I had done nothing else.

I walked away from that imagined glimpse of death more alive than ever and burning to tell my story. I had no idea what I was doing, but I started writing and struggling—not knowing what to write, not being able to stay motivated. Four years in, with my first draft in the trash, I discovered NaNoWriMo. I signed up for the 50,000 word challenge. I booked a cheap flight to Chiang Mai, Thailand, where I would create my own writing retreat. I hopped from one wifi hotspot to the next—fueled by tropical views, delicious vegan food, and an ambitious daily word count. 

When that 2015 Nanowrimo wrapped up I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt 50,000 words closer to my dream of telling my story, but little did I know, at the time, I was still six years from publishing my book. NaNoWriMo helped me lay out the facts of my story and capture key moments of dialogue. It gave me purpose and courage and forced me to take action—all critical elements for any writer. But to be publishable, my writing and my storytelling needed some serious help. 

Luckily, I met Jennie Nash, who became my book coach. She guided me through a process to define my mission—I wanted young readers to walk away inspired to stand up for themselves and for animals. She helped me build the structure of my story, offered me guidance and accountability as I moved from having a bunch of words on a page to having a compelling story someone might actually want to read. She helped me realize my story wasn’t just about saving two bears, it was also about saving myself—how as a queer teen I struggled with the confines of gender norms, suffered taunts and physical attacks, and how those experiences helped me empathize with animals locked in cages far from their natural homes. That was the real story.

“When that 2015 Nanowrimo wrapped up I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt 50,000 words closer to my dream of telling my story.”

I had a dream of a traditional publishing deal. I thought it would be an excellent platform to continue the conversation about the horrors of captivity that I started when I was young. Jennie helped me build my pitch to agents: “Bear Boy is for today’s idealists, outsiders, rule breakers, go-getters, and activists. My ideal reader is 12 years old, the same age I was when I started my activism.” After over 100 pitches, I landed a New York City agent. I was ecstatic and she was ready to slice and dice my manuscript. “We need to completely eliminate the gay part of your story” she said. It was a punch to the gut, but I thought maybe she knew what she was doing so I did it. She pitched my reworked manuscript to all the major book imprints. A year passed without a deal and she said my lack of a social following was to blame and that I should write a controversial piece about Greta Thunberg to get some media attention. My heart sank. How could I possibly say anything bad about Greta? I saw myself in her young activism and was deeply inspired by the movement she was building. 

That’s when I decided that I no longer wanted an agent or a traditional deal. I was scared, I knew nothing about how to bring a book into the world, but I decided to press on, establish a book imprint and bring my book to life on my own terms. I hired professional copywriters, proofreaders, interior and cover designers. I did a lot of research. I had really tough days, both technically and emotionally. There were many moments that I wondered if I made the right decision, but I am on the other side of all of that doubt now. It took 10 years but Bear Boy: The True Story of a Boy, Two Bears, and the Fight to Be Free is here, in the hands of early readers. Young people from all corners of the globe are reading and reviewing the book, saying it’s inspiring them and that it’s making them rethink their relationship to nature and animals.  

It’s Pride month and I’m proud to be able to tell a queer story. And, I have to acknowledge the privilege I hold as a white cisgendered male with the financial resources, flexibility, and support to go out on my own. I believe anyone can write and power through the challenges to get their story into the world, but we must all work together to challenge and reimagine the systems in both indie and traditional publishing that limit access and continue to marginalize so many important voices and stories.

Justin Barker is an animal activist, producer, and author of Bear Boy: The True Story of a Boy, Two Bears, and the Fight to Be Free. With his YA debut, Justin hopes to highlight the plight of zoo animals and inspire young people to stand up for themselves, animals, and their fellow humans. He lives in San Francisco with his son Noah and wife Bridget; he and Bridget both identify as queer.

Web: www.bearboy.org

Instagram & Twitter :  @justinbarkertv

[vintagedolan]

mixtape | epilogue

authors note: I truly cannot thank you enough for your support, love, kind words and overall interest throughout this story. Writing this whole thing has really changed my life in a lot of ways, both through my characters and through proving to myself that I can actually bring something like Mixtape to fruition. I love you all, loud, from the bottom of my heart. I hope this epilogue is all you hoped it would be, and now we can finally start with post-fic concepts. Enjoy!!!

| masterlist | faceclaims | playlist |

“Four… Five… Seven!”

“Six babe. Five, six, seven.”

“Five seven.” 

In Beks smile, all Grayson could see was Indiana. As far as the rest of his daughter, she looked just like him. Brown hair, brown eyes, even the same little dimple. But her smile, and the feeling it gave him in his gut? That was all Indiana. His wife, who was unfortunately still pacing a bit in the terminal, a coffee in her hands. 

As soon as she realized that they were back from their walk, she perked up, putting on her brave face for Beks so she didn’t think anything was wrong. 

“Mama! Hi mama!”

“Hi sweet girl.” She held her hands out for her daughter, smiling when she gleefully reached for her. Grayson passed her over without a hesitation. As little as their almost three year old was, she was her mom’s biggest anchor when things got hard. 

“You okay?” He asked it quietly while Beks was distracted, twirling a piece of her mom’s hair around her little fingers. 

Indy looked at the clock. 5 minutes till boarding. 

Her face was enough of an answer for her husband, and he frowned.

“Nauseous?”

She nodded. 

“We’ll be okay,” he offered, reaching out for her free hand to squeeze it and trace a heart. It relaxed her a tiny bit, but she still bit her lip.

“My whole world is about to be in a plane, out of my control.” She turned her head to kiss Bekah’s hair. “She’s so small. Nothing I could do if…”

“Hey, hey none of that. You know what Bethany says about the doomsday stuff.”

“Unhelpful, unlikely and unproductive.” Indy whispered her therapists words back to herself, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She’d gotten better about flying, accomplished things she never thought she would. Charlie and Devin’s wedding in Oregon, her own wedding in Maui, flying back and forth to see Lisa, trips to Australia even. But things changed when she got pregnant. Now, her heart lived outside of her body, in a tiny almost toddler who was as content as could be on her hip. The flight to Jersey had been decent, but the way home seemed like an impossible hurtle.

“It’ll all be over in a few hours. And then we’ll be home, back to our bed and our house.” Grayson wished he could fix it, wished he could take it on himself. But all he could really do was squeeze her hand and stay calm.

Indy nodded, but when the gate attendant came over the intercom she felt like she could vomit right there. She silently passed Beks over to Grayson and fumbled for their boarding passes with shaky hands. 

“Plane daddy! There’s a plane!” Bekah smiled, pointing out the window as another aircraft taxied by. 

“Yeah! It’s big, isn’t it,” Grayson tickled her belly and kissed her cheek as he readjusted the diaper bag over his shoulder and headed into the boarding lane behind Indy. They made their way down the jet bridge and into first class, Indy moving to the window seat and immediately holding out her hands for Bekah. They’d been blessed with a very happy baby who was content most of the time as long as she had a familiar face with her. She sat on Indy’s lap and played with the necklace she had on, rubbing at her eyes with the other hand. 

“You tired bubba?” Grayson sat down and ran a hand over her back. Beks nodded slowly. “Here, c’mere, give momma a break.”

Indy passed her back over, melting like she always did when Bekah leaned forward onto Grayson’s chest, relaxing fully in the safety of his arms. She loved nothing more than seeing the father he was to their little girl. It was more than she could have ever asked for, and she watched as he moved her just enough to get his seatbelt on, knowing she would be asleep in a few minutes.

He hummed to her quietly, moving a hand over her ear to quiet the inevitable announcements from the flight attendants, and Indy watched as her eyes fluttered closed, long eyelashes resting on pink cheeks. 

“Is she out?” Grayson dared to ask after a few minutes.

Indy nodded, her eyes burning a bit as she fought back tears. Bekah just looked so small, and fragile, and the plane was moving and she felt like she couldn’t control anything, not even her emotions. 

“Do you want to hold her? Would that help?”

“No, she’s comfy it’s okay, I don’t want to wake her up,” Indy whispered, shaking her head. Even still, she stretched a hand over into Grayson’s seat, trying to catch her breath and focus on the feeling of his hand in hers, his wedding ring cold against her fingers. She looked at him, tried to lose herself in him the way she always had. He looked the same as that first day outside of Frazier, with a healthy amount of scruff. His hair was a bit shorter than it was then - Lisa always gave him a good haircut when he was in town. But his smile was still the same, and his eyes just as warm when he looked back into hers. 

“Breathe baby. I’m right here, we’re gonna be there before you know it. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She willed herself to believe him and put a headphone in her ear, started her playlist and closed her eyes as the plane moved towards the runway and her daughter slept. 

Things were slightly better once they got into the air. It didn’t surprise her that Grayson fell asleep within the first hour. She could tell he was fighting his eyelids as he tried to stay awake in case she needed him, but the warmth and weight of Beks was enough to lull him off. The way she knew for sure was when his thumb stopped rubbing against the back of her hand. Indy didn’t mind - if he wasn’t awake he wasn’t worrying about her at least She took the time to look at them - really look at them for a while. Bekah was so active, always exploring and getting into things. It made moments like these rare, especially as she got older. She’d never understood what her mom had meant, when she said her heart had grown two sizes to accommodate her and Charlie. 

In all those months after they got back together, she had thought it was impossible to love someone as much, or more, than she loved Grayson. She proved herself wrong after he became her husband, and again when they found out they were having a baby, a girl. Her love for him grew even more while she was pregnant. And then Bekah Nicole Dolan had entered the picture, and their lives had never been the same. It felt like just yesterday that she was watching Grayson cry in the hospital room, holding his baby girl for the first time. Since then there were two birthday parties, almost three years of watching her grow into herself, watching her learn, watching her develop her own little personality. She was Indy’s new favorite thing to study, and she kept herself busy for most of the flight looking through old pictures on her phone. It calmed her more than she thought it would, and kept her occupied until Beks woke up from her nap. 

It was a nice distraction for her to focus on keeping her daughter entertained and happy once she maneuvered her out of Grayson’s lap. They colored after Indy fished the coloring book and crayons out from her bag, and they looked at pictures, and watched out the window, Bekah asking “what dat?” over and over again at all the things she could see on the ground. 

The flight attendants message to prepare for landing was what finally woke Grayson up from his slumber, and his bleary eyes were immediately guilty. 

“You should have woken me up,” he pouted, already looking her over for any sign of her anxious habits. 

“We’re okay. I got a handle on it. Glad you’re awake for landing though,” she reassured him, reaching a hand out for his again. He happily took it, and smiled when Bekah leaned over to put her hand on top of theirs, always wanting to be involved. The landing was smooth, and Indy took her first truly relaxed breath in hours once the plane stopped moving at the gate. Bekah felt it, felt her chest rise and fall so dramatically that she turned and smiled up at her.

“Breathe mama,” she said, just like her dad always did. “Big breaf.” Her ‘th’ sounds were still f’s, and Indy selfishly hoped they stayed that way for a while longer. She over exaggerated her next breath so Beks could feel it. It satisfied her enough it seemed, and she held Grayson’s hand as they walked off the plane and into the airport. Grayson’s back hurt by the time they made it to baggage claim from the way he was crouched over to keep his hand in hers, but she was determined to do it herself and keep him close. 

All that went out the window when she saw who was waiting for her by the baggage carousel. 

“UNCLE ETEE!” 

Ethan smiled his widest smile and crouched down with his arms open, ready to catch her as she ran as fast as her little legs would take her. He caught her and tossed her up in the air just to hear her giggle. 

“Hi bug! How was Jersey?”

“Good! I saw Grandma Lisa and daddy showed me a waterfall and we stayed in the other house and momma made pancakes. Where’s Miles?” Her attention jumped around like a pinball in the machine, but she looked down to Ethan’s left side where there was usually a very cute five year old.

“He’s home taking care of Aunt Eden, making sure little Maisie isn’t giving her too much trouble.”

“Is she still in her belly?”

“Yeah bug, for a little while longer. But, she missed you so much that she wants everybody to come out to the beach for a little while before it gets dark. And if mommy and daddy are too tired, you can just come with us.”

Indiana wanted to cry. She knew what her brother was doing - giving her an out in case the flight had gone badly, a chance to recuperate if need be. Truth be told, she was still nauseous, but her nerves had settled and the thought of seeing Eden and her nephew were too good to pass up. She’d missed them despite only being gone for a few days. 

“We’ll all go, just gotta get changed at the house first,” Indy said, and she felt Grayson perk up beside her, somewhat surprised by her answer. 

“Alrighty then, let’s roll.” Ethan led the way with Beks on his hip, Grayson managing most of the bags on the way out to the car. Things had gotten better since they’d traveled with Beks as an infant - less equipment required for a toddler, especially one who was easily entertained by her parents. 

Before they knew it Beks was in her car seat, thrilled that her dad climbed into the backseat to ‘hang out’ with her while he gave his wife shotgun. Ethan played Cudi, the clean versions, and everyone in the car sang along, even if Bekah was mostly just humming and kicking her feet. 

It took about 30 minutes to get to the main gate of the houses. Indy could still remember the first time she’d been in a car pulling up to the same spot. Things were a bit different now - they’d bought out their neighbors house when it went up for sale, tore down the fences and made it all one big backyard with each of the couples in their own space. E squared kept the original house - it’s where they’d raised Miles after all. Indy had enjoyed getting to make the new house her own. It wasn’t lost on her that it was the bigger of the two, with Grayson’s dream of a big family always at the back of his mind. 

It was on Indy’s too, especially when she saw Eden waiting on the porch of their house, her bump on full display, framed out by her bikini and cover up. Maisie Rae Dolan was due in two months, and the whole crew was counting down the days until her arrival, none more so than her mother. 

Miles came around the corner at full speed once the car stopped, running around the car to find the only one he ever looked for. Grayson couldn’t get her out of her carseat fast enough, but as soon as Beks was on the ground Miles was hugging her.

“Hi best friend!” Bekah said as soon as her face wasn’t buried in his shirt.

“Hi! I missed you! Daddy helped me make a countdown and I counted all the days until you came back and now you’re here! Do you wanna see it?!”

“Yeah!”

Grayson had to catch the two of them before they went barrelling towards the house.

“Hold on guys, if we wanna make it to the beach early enough to get into the water we all need to get changed and packed up. We’ll see you there Mi, okay?”

Miles nodded once, then immediately turned to Ethan.

“Dad, can I ride with Uncle Grayson and Aunt Indy?”

“They just got back babe, gotta give them a minute to settle in. But, if mom’s up for it we can go early and look for some shells, okay?”

He threw a wink to Grayson as he unloaded the bags. Meanwhile, Indy was on the porch, catching up with Eden. 

“Any changes? Contractions or anything?”

“Other than her kicking my spleen every five minutes and sitting on my bladder like a throne, we’re golden.”

She didn’t look golden. In fact, she looked exhausted. 

“Miles wearing you out?”

All she had to do was look at her and Indy was laughing.

“Whenever you need us to take him, just send him over.”

“You act as if you too do not have a child that wears you out.”

The pair looked over at their husbands, and their kids. Miles was attempting to climb the tree in the front yard, which was his new found mission he’d been working on. Ethan stood guard below, shifting back and forth to catch his son in case he lost his balance trying to maneuver the first main branch.

Meanwhile, Beks was picking flowers one by one and holding them in her fist. Indy watched as she carried her mini bouquet over to Grayson and held it out proudly. They watched as she stuck her tongue out in concentration while she tucked one behind her dad’s ear.

“Yeah… so whenever you need us to take him, just send him over,” Indy repeated with a laugh that Eden quickly joined in on, holding her bump with her hands. 

“Go get settled, if Beks gets ancy we can load her up with us.”

“She should be fine, we hate unpacking night of anyways. We’ll see you in a little while.”

She was halfway across the lawn before Eden called after her.

“Oh! Before I forget, I had some extra stuff lying around that definitely won’t fit for a while, or ever, after this one -” she pointed to her stomach. “I left them and some other stuff for you in your closet. Anything you don’t want just bring it back and I’ll throw it in the donation pile.”

Indy threw her a thumbs up and rounded up Beks, headed back to their house. She could breathe easier as soon as she was inside the familiar walls. Their house was modern, but every space was warmed by something personal, most of which was made by Grayson. With the transition away from social media and into behind the scenes production, he had more time to build and perfect his craft. Family touches were everywhere as well, from the picture frame on the coffee table from last christmas to the booster seat in the kitchen table chair where they all sat to eat dinner every night. Indy’s work badge was still on the counter, with the nemo sticker that covered her last name so no one could look her up and realize just who she was married to. But below it you could still read the name of the pediatric hospital she called home.

All those thoughts were fleeting though, considering Beks was on a mission to get to the beach. 

“I’ll get her ready if you pack the beach bag?” Grayson offered. Indy smiled and nodded, heading back into the bedroom to get changed herself. When she got to her closet, she found the pile of things from Eden - some of her tighter dresses, jean shorts, bikinis, a few bottles of perfume with a note scribbled, smell makes me sick now. Fml. Beside that was a box with a note; pregnancy tests, won’t be needing these anytime soon… hopefully lmao.  

Indy rolled her eyes and laughed to herself, putting everything away in its right spot and pulling out a nice bikini from the stack to throw on. She grabbed one of Grayson’s long sleeve shirts to put on over it before she headed back out. The bag was mostly prepped already with the essentials - the beach was a common Dolan outing after all. All she had to add was towels and a sandwich for Beks in case she got hungry. 

Food was the last thing on Bekah’s mind it seemed when she came down the hall, already asking if it was time to go. Indy wasn’t one to brag, but her daughter had to be up there with the cutest babies of all time, especially in her custom 2T sized spread positivity hoodie over her bathing suit and tiny chaco sandals. Her hair was still in the tiny space buns that Indy had put them in earlier, only adding to the way she was making her melt. 

Indy loaded up the car while Grayson threw on a speedo and regular shorts to cover up with, not bothering with a shirt. Indy preferred it that way - she enjoyed the view, which she had plenty of time to admire from the passenger seat once they were on the road. Grayson held her hand, looking like a Raybans model in his sunglasses, tattoos on full display as he drove. Her favorite was still the forever scribbled out across his ribs, especially with the script right below it. Bekah Nicole. His daughter's name. 

It still amazed Indy how lucky she was, to have the life that she did, to have found the love that she had. It took her breath away at times, made her stomach feel like it was floating when she remembered that the man beside her was hers, forever. She turned around the check on Beks, who was telling a story that made no sense, although Grayson was acting like he understood every single word. Their perfect little girl. Even then, she would still tear up if she looked at her for too long. 

The secret beach, somehow, still seemed to be their little secret. There were a few couples, but it was mostly empty apart from the other Dolan family that had beat them there. Grayson followed close behind Bekah as she ran through the sand towards Miles. 

“Now remember, you have to flip them over and if you even think there might be a hermit grab in there, you put it back because that's his home,” Ethan was informing his son when they reached the group. Eden was already lounged out in a chair, feet buried in the sand and hand absentmindedly rubbing over her bump. She peeked an eye open when she heard Indy start setting up beside her, looking to check on her son before she relaxed back down. 

“Momma? You take me in the waves? Pleaseeeee,” Bekah asked before Indy could sit. 

“Sure babe,” she smiled, pulling her shirt off quickly before scooping up her daughter and heading towards the water. Grayson wasn’t far behind them, ever the protector, wanting to be close by in case they needed anything. 

The water was chilly against Indy’s toes when she got into the break, and she bent down to let Beks stand in the frothy tide. As soon as the water got her feet she squealed, spinning around and reaching up.

“S’cold momma!” 

Indy laughed and picked her back up, unsurprised to see Miles and Ethan headed down the beach towards them, undoubtedly with the same idea. She was glad Eden was getting some much needed rest time, so she grinned and bared the cold water on her stomach as she got deeper in, jumping dramatically as the waves came through just to get a giggle out of her daughter. Grayson joined in on the fun, taking his turn to toss Beks up into the air and catch her with a splash and kisses all over her cheeks. They kept playing until the dad’s arms were sore, seeing that Miles wanted in on the fun, and the sun was beginning to set. Beks was cold by the time they made it back to the chairs, and Grayson immediately wrapped her up in a towel and snuggled her up against him, resting his cheek on the top of her head as she curled into his chest. 

Indy put her own towel over her shoulders, and the warmth of it was almost enough to have her lulling off to sleep. She fought it off, catching up with Ethan while Eden got Miles ready to go. The kids were wiped, and with a day of travel under her belt Beks was asleep on her dad’s shoulder before they even made it to the tesla.

“Watch this,” he whispered, showing off his skills of placing her in her seat without waking her up. It was impressive, truly, but even more so was the fact that he drove carefully enough through all the traffic on the way that she was still dreaming peacefully when they got home. 

“We have to wake her up to get her changed,” he pouted, not wanting to disturb her after the day she’d had. 

“I got it. You start on dinner, I’m fucking starving.” 

“Deal,” he grinned, leaning across the console to kiss her quickly before getting out. Indy exited the passenger side, opening up Beks door and talking to her quietly until her eyes opened, blinking wide and confused.

“You’re okay babe, we’re home.”

Indy soaked up the cuddles from her groggy daughter on the way into the house. She didn’t bother with anything else - they’d do a bath first thing in the morning. Instead, she moved to the ocean nursery, changing Beks quickly into a fresh diaper and pj’s before laying her down in her bed underneath the jellyfish Eden had helped design for the wall. She kissed her forehead and rubbed her back until she lulled back down, exhausted from the excitement of the day. 

Indy felt salty, her skin tight from the water, but she didn’t have the energy to shower. Instead, she headed into her room and grabbed another one of Grayson’s shirts along with some running shorts, taking them into the bathroom with her to get changed. 

The cabinet was still slightly open, and she reached down to close it when she saw it. A box of tampons - unopened. It took a minute for her to do the math, and she wasn’t 100% on if she was late or not, but that familiar knot tied in her stomach when she was unsure. Quietly, she locked the door and rummaged around for the pregnancy tests she’d just hidden away.

In the kitchen, Grayson was humming to himself as he strained the noodles for the mac and cheese - two boxes in fact, considering how hungry Indy said she was. The fridge was low considering they’d just gotten back, but he managed to scrounge up some fresh-enough fruit to cut up and put on a plate on the counter. 

Indy came back into the kitchen so quietly that he barely noticed as he was stirring in the vegan cheese.

“Jeez Dee, you scared me,” he teased, pulling her in for a hug. “How yah feeling?”

“Exhausted,” she mumbled, relaxing in his hold and melting into his chest. He loved when she did that, let him hold her after a long day. He didn’t pull away until she did, the smell of mac and cheese luring her away. 

Grayson took her hips with his hands and helped boost her up onto the counter, passing her the bowl he’d made for her. They ate quickly and quietly, the idea of curling up in bed more and more appealing as the carbs started to settle into their systems. When they’d cleared their bowls Indy moved to the sink, only for Grayson to shake his head.

“I got it. Go get in bed, you had a hell of a day.”

She sighed, kissing his bare shoulder once before getting up on her tiptoes to ask for a real one. He obliged her, bending down to catch her lips with his. “Love you,” she murmured, running her fingers over his back as she walked towards their room. She peaked in on Beks to make sure she was still out before she headed back to the bedroom, pulling out the test that she’d tucked away in her waistband. 

She blinked three times, hard.

Two lines. Two very dark lines. 

“Holy shit.” 

Emotions raced through her so fast she couldn’t catch a single one to give it a name. She barely had it together enough to hide it behind her back when Grayson walked in a few minutes later seemingly unfazed.

“I’m gonna shower real quick, you wanna join?” He offered, looking down into his dresser drawers for a pair of boxers.

“Uh, yeah, yeah I’ll join but can you do me a favor really quick?”

“Hmm,” he asked, turning towards her.

She held out the test in her shaky hand.

“Can you add this to the shelf?”

The shelf itself was on the wall beside him. All the old pictures had made their way over to the new house with some new additions, including the positive test that had told them they were having Beks, her ultrasound, her first birthday party. 

It took Grayson a moment to process, and then his hands were shaking too as he took the small stick and looked at it through his blurry eyes.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“For real?”

“For real.”

“We’re having another baby.”

“Yep.”

“Another Beks.”

“Yep.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yep.”

“Holy fuck!” The excitement finally broke through the shock, and before she could move Grayson’s arms were around his wife, spinning her around as he buried his face in her neck.

“You’re pregnant. We’re having another baby.”

“It doesn’t feel real yet. I just took the test before dinner.” Indy’s eyes were watery, her hand automatically going over her stomach.

“It will. It’ll fly by, just like with Beks. Holy fuck, I’m so excited. I love you so much.”

“I love you more,” she whispered, pulling him to her again for another hug.

“Not possible,” he said, shaking his head and kissing her shoulder. 

“Well, I love you forever then. I love our family, forever.”

Grayson couldn’t find the words. Instead, he just kissed her, forever grateful for every moment that had led him to right there, his whole world and future under one roof - everything he’d dreamed of within his hands.

[anobscurename]

ocean eyes – chris evans

previous part: PART IX — masterlist

concept: awkwardness was inevitable after the drunken birthday kiss you shared, but avoidance was near impossible given your living situation. confrontation comes when you help chris learn some lines for a romantic role he's pursuing. the slowest of slow burns. part ten of many

pairing: chris evans x reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: strawberries and cringey dialogue, aNgSt

author's note: can't believe we're on part 10 what the fuck i started this on wednesday—?

You had avoided him successfully for a little over three days when you finally ran into him again. You had been going for a perfect fourth, but in spite of all the space the house had to offer, there were only so many rooms you could duck into, and so many midnight snacks you could sneak into your room to sustain yourself as the hours ticked by.

Having lived with Chris for six months, you knew his schedule. It helped in your goal of steering clear of the awkwardness.

He never outright saw you, anyways, always catching you just as you disappeared around a corner or into a room.

The first day had been the hardest. Chris was a firm believer of confronting an issue head-on – best way for cohesive living – and so there were soft knocks on the door, mugs of coffee – cold by the time you finally thought it safe to leave the room without encountering him – left behind for you on the kitchen counter.

He had even texted you. Can we talk?

He had managed to corner you in the bathroom once. That was entirely inevitable, considering you both shared it.

You had been brushing your teeth when you heard the door handle turn and squeak, and you were quick to spit out the frothy toothpaste to call out a dismissive "occupied!"

"Oh, sorry," Chris had mumbled sheepishly before shutting the door again. But he didn't leave. "I... I really think we should talk about last night."

You rinsed out your mouth, hoping to let the running water drown out his voice.

Patting your mouth dry, you pulled open the door. Chris practically fell into you, having been leaning against the frame, weight balancing on the forearm he had propped up.

You looked up at him innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about."

And that was the end of that. He stopped trying so hard the day after, and when the third day came around, he had decided to give you your space.

You knew you were being entirely unfair on him, not telling him what was wrong, but at first, you didn't even know. It wasn't as simple as a touch of the shoulder, not as mundane as jealousy. You hated that you had thought it was jealousy, and shuddered at the very idea of Chris thinking it might be. You were not a jealous person by nature.

And then you realised what that feeling was that had plagued you since that kiss – that kiss that you could still taste on your lips when you closed your eyes at night. It was fear.

It was fear of not being good enough. But not only that, it was fear of rejection, fear of losing one of your bestest friends.

Fear of being homeless if things were to end badly, and given the circumstances, things weren't running smoothly as is.

You weren't naïve enough to believe in a happy ending. In the words of the great philosopher Jane Smith – played by the ever great Angelina Jolie – "happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet."

Fact of the matter was that the chances of the two of you making it were slim to none. You were both too different. Similar on a human level – Anthony would even say perfect – but different on almost every other. Financially, emotionally, physically. You couldn't contend with everything Chris had to offer.

You had served him drinks. You looked after his dog, his house, watered his plants. You lived in that home as his employee.

You weren't a pessimist. Only a realist. And realistically, you'd run the numbers and promptly concluded that while you'd ultimately fail as a couple, you'd soar as a friendship.

That was the final answer, come day four.

"Hey..."

You had stepped out of the sanctuary of your bedroom, only to see Chris stood at the kitchen counter, bent over something that grabbed his full attention. It was late at night, the rest of the lights in the house off, leaving only the warm glow of the kitchen lights. He looked up when you entered, a pained expression overcoming his features. "Oh, so we're talking now?"

You ignored the question, padding over to see what he was doing. The best way to continue on was to pretend that nothing happened. So that's what you did.

Reminiscent of a time before you knew what Chris' lips tasted and felt like, you easily hopped up on the counter beside him. You noticed the bags beside the front door, and curiosity got the better of you. "Where are you headed this time?"

His attention shifted back down to the manuscript that was before him. "I have an audition tomorrow morning in New York, I'm just going over the dialogue one last time before the flight."

The conversation was stilted, and so, to break the silence, you reached for a strawberry. There had been a plate of strawberries between the two of you, half eaten, stems brushed to one side. A playful slap on your hand halted your action, and you cocked an annoyed and inquisitive brow at Chris.

"Don't eat the props."

"I'm sure you won't miss just one."

"Well, it would be easier for me to learn my lines with someone else if you...?" He trailed off, the rest of the request piecing together in your mind.

"The things I'll endure for some food in this house," you jokingly groaned.

It was like his laugh shattered the awkwardness entirely, and suddenly it felt like normal again. And you realised how much you missed it. Missed being his friend.

He slide the manuscript over to you, telling you which character your were going to play. He had already memorised his lines, and was pensively watching as you skimmed over the dialogue.

"It's...?"

He chuckled sheepishly. "A romance, I know. If you don't want to–"

"It's okay," you said quickly. The guilt you felt for basically ignoring him the past few days with little to no explanation heavily outweighed your common sense. You just wanted to help him out – your way of apology. "From here?"

He nodded at the prompt you had your finger on, already shifting himself into the cocky persona of the character he was playing. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him pick up a strawberry, ready for his cues.

"It's a real shame nobody asked for your opinion," you read.

"I've had plenty of relationships," he shrugged, arrogant. "Makes me the authority on these types of things."

"Don't make me laugh," you chuckled. The film was by no means Oscar worthy, but it was a fun indie project, judging from the script. "I bet the longest relationship you've had is with that strawberry."

He looked down, contemplating it for the longest time while you flipped the page. This part was new, and as your eyes skimmed over it, you knew you'd made your fatal error. Guess that's where being a good person gets you.

Gentle hand on your cheek, he tilted your head to look at him. Making full eye contact, he bit into the strawberry. The perfect arch of pearly white teeth sank into it so slowly, you felt like time was frozen. "I don't know," he growled, licking the sweetness from his finger. "You can't fault a relationship when she tastes so good."

He plucked another strawberry from the plate, beckoning you over. You felt yourself lean forward, enraptured in his performance. But at what point did the line blur between acting and reality?

The touch of the strawberry against your lips was cold, fresh from the fridge. The script told you to reject him with a shake of the head, and without its guidance, you probably would've just dissolved before him. You denied him, whimpering a small "no."

“Open,” he commanded, voice authoritative but soft. His gaze was intense, eyes darkening as you slowly opened your lips to eat the offered fruit.

He watched your lips – a whispered “fuck” under his breath – and slowly threw the stem back onto the plate. His eyes never left your mouth.

And then his fingers came up to swipe the juice from your bottom lip before telling you to open again. You complied, but something in the back of your mind nagged at you: this wasn't in the script.

His finger slid easily into your mouth, smooth against your tongue, and you instinctively sucked on them gently, tasting the sweetness and suddenly he was ducking his head down, intent clear, and you just–

"Stop," you managed to get out, your lips so dangerously close to his that the feather light brush of your spoken words caused tingles to flow through you. The goosebumps were back, your skin cold, but body on fire. He withdrew, and you hated how your heart fell, plummeting to your stomach when he did. "We can't."

And then you explained to him why. And to his credit, he listened, didn't once try to interrupt or persuade you otherwise, and he understood.

He understood, because deep down, he knew you were right.

You explained it all, and at some point your eyes were stinging, but you didn't cry, and when it was all out, and what needed to be said was, he simply pulled you into his arms in a fierce hug.

Your breathing was ragged as you clung to him, hands bunching the fabric of his shirt. You never wanted to let him go. As a friend, of course.

And then he said his goodbye with a chaste kiss to your temple, and left, front door shutting behind him, bags in hand.

He left you alone to your thoughts, and the tears came tumbling after.

[dylanhawth]

[ LORENZO ZURZOLO, CISMAN, HE/HIM ] shh ! DYLAN HAWTHORNE, the TWENTY year old SECOND year ANTHROPOLOGY major from HARTFORD, CT is known as a TOURMALINE  around here. HE was invited to join because HE PUBLISHED A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ANONYMOUSLY THAT GARNERED A BIT OF FOLLOWING AND RECENTLY STEPPED FORWARD AS THE AUTHOR, and now, they’re here to stay. HE reminds me of THE NERVOUSNESS OF A FIRST KISS, LEAVING SECRET MESSAGES IN LIBRARY BOOKS, DRIVING AIMLESSLY WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN ON A WARM SUMMER NIGHT WHILE THE RADIO HUMS A PLAYLIST CURATED FOR YOU BY YOUR BEST FRIEND.

[ big ass bio ] | [ connections ] | [ pinterest ] | [ playlist ] 

ooc. 

omfg hello. i can’t tell you how excited and happy i am to be here. i was too nervous to apply for the last three months but i decided to stop being a Coward and just try. im SO happy to be here, it’s the highlight of my week tbh lmao. anyway i am mar, she/her, 24, est. i live in nyc and all i do is visit the planetarium and cry. i’m so fucking bad at these so im just gonna LIST things and hope you get the vibe. i am a pisces sun, scorpio moon. i prob have a napoleon complex a little bit lmao. my favorite social media site is goodreads and i get rlly sad when my friends rate books i love poorly dfljskdfs. i can touch my tongue to my nose. i eat a lot of persimmons. i have a favorite rock at my local park that i visit a lot. idk dfskjls. i’m v friendly tho so pls hmu. i send a lot of memes, and love making meme edits for the chars so im rlly sorry in advance if you guys hate that. 

01.      basics.

NAME.   dylan h. hawthorne. ALIASES. dyl, hawth.   AGE.  twenty. HOMETOWN. hartford, ct. GENDER.  cismale. PRONOUNS.   he/him.

 02.      appearance.

EYES.   green. HAIR.   brown. HEIGHT.   6”0 BUILD.   lean. BIRTHMARKS   /   BURNS   /   SCARS.   a birthmark the shape of australia on his left thigh. TATTOOS.   n/a. PIERCINGS.   n/a.

03.      habits.

ALCOHOL   ?  socially. SMOKING   ?  socially. HABITS.  fidgets in chairs. cracks knuckles and back often. nervous laughter. chewing on pencils. talking to his plants. dogearing books. staring off into space and applying chapstick for a prolonged period of time. getting overly competitive about boardgames. stress cleaning. carries a book in his bag always. night owl. incredibly impatient when the internet is slow. creature of habit when it comes to menus, orders the same shit over and over again. LIKES.   feeding the ducks at the local pond. the smell of the earth after a rainstorm. the way music sounds coming from another room. kissing. watering his plants. inside jokes. making wishes in fountains. discussing a recently finished book with someone. making handmade cards for friends on their birthday. fireworks. coming of age films. packages wrapped in twine. jogs. the way friday nights feels when you’re with someone you love. the feeling you get leaving the movie theatre. DISLIKES.   being late. having too many coins on him. coffee with no sugar. when people speak loudly in the library. doing laundry. handshakes with too much squeeze. receiving voicemails. untidiness. golf. charles dickens. lectures with no student input. hot weather. confrontation. being caught in a lie. losing his umbrella. people who cheat during games. rainboots. bad table manners. humidity.

04.      personality.

MYERS-BRIGGS.   infp. ENNEAGRAM. the helper. ZODIAC.   pisces. TEMPERAMENT.   melancholic. ALIGNMENT.   neutral good. ARCHETYPE.   the lover. POSITIVE.   empathetic. sensitive. intelligent. charismatic. easygoing. gentle. loyal. passionate. romantic. humble. supportive. gregarious. playful. diligent. NEGATIVE.   deceitful. gullible. finicky. naive. obsessive. perfectionistic. secretive. timid. possessive. weak-willed. indecisive. cynical. indulgent. summary: basically, dylan is a love starved, people pleasing nervous wreck. big ass nerd who wants to be everyones friend, wants to be liked SO BAD. very charming and charismatic, comes off as fairly confident and comfortable at first. is able to make everyone feel loved and like they’re the most important person in the world, however lacks a backbone. is both romeo and juliet, and just as dumb as both of them too. 

05.      hc’s.

dylan was a football player in high school, believe it or not. he was rather good at it too, which is sort of jarring considering his pacifistic nature. however, he DID land on someone incorrectly at some point during his senior year, and broke their wrist. he quickly abandoned the sport altogether because of how guilty he felt. 

touched on this briefly but dylan really… loves indiana jones lmao. like, it’s quite ironic given his absolutely inability to be a badass, and lack of suaveness. however, he admires indy’s lust for adventure. he also was obsessed with the mummy as a kid. both of these were incredible sources in his very irrational decision to sudden anthropology. however, he does really love and admire anthropology. his favorite ethnography is the spirit catches you and you fall down, which makes him cry like a little bitch every time he even thinks about it. 

he’s the second oldest, but he is also baby. he is SUCH a big momma’s boy. he misses his mom so much. he writes to her often, and of course calls her even more. despite being six-foot tall, he still goes home and rests his head on his mother's lap, falls asleep as she runs her fingers through his hair. he often tries to find native english plants and flowers to press, and mail back to his mother in the form of bookmarks. has nEVER STEPPED ON A CRACK IN HIS LIFE, BABY.

just leaves a shit ton of notes in books in the library. some are riddles, some are poetry, some are commentary on the book, some are doodles. just depends on how he’s feeling for that book. he doesn’t tell anyone he does it, but he’s waiting for someone to connect the dots with his handwriting and writing style. 

speaking of plants, his room is basically a big greenhouse. he has so many plants, and takes serious care of them all. he has a little humidifier in his space for them, marks down when he waters what plants, and has a label maker to label them all with a name. they are all named after shakespeare characters. 

dyl is a doodler, so much so that he contributes to the school paper as a cartoonist. his cartoons are usually just random thoughts he has, but sometimes they get political and he works marxism into them. (this man loves marx.) 

[ suicide implied tw, death mention tw ] he dresses like a victorian boy in love with his roommate who has recently died of scarlet fever and in his mourning, plans to disappear in the bog by the school by mysterious circumstances and become a ghost that haunts the college with his lover. like lots of gray and slacks and ties ands ties and sweaters, lol. also he has glasses that he never wears because he can never find them! catch him squinting in your classroom because he can’t see SHIT. too shy to ask you for your notes though, doesn’t wanna inconvenience you! but when he’s Out on the Town®, he fucking wears like, tacky patterned shirts that are expensive but ugly. someone please help him. 

all about fun socks! he loves owning socks that have dumb little images on them. if you get him a pair of fun socks, he’d absolutely go nuts. his entire week: made. 

he leaves his roommate limericks when he senses they are sad. tapes em to the bathroom mirror or leaves them in the fridge. also loves buying people presents. tiny ones. like haunted looking things from second hand stores, or your favorite chocolate. also is the sort of friend that has EVERYTHING in his bag, in case someone cuts themselves or has a headache. can be a bit of a mom himself. it’s the little things, y’know? 

prob still in his emo phase. listens to way too mcr to not be lmao.

eco-friendly king, will not stand for you not recycling. 

if you will allow him, he will attempt to have a secret handshake with you. he’s a child. is dying for someone to memorize the parent trap handshake and indulge him. 

cannot sit still in a chair. fidgets an excessive amount, the bobbing of his knee and the squirming around. it just never ends. 

bi. that’s the hc.

he’s a little bit in love with everyone he meets if you couldn’t tell, and it’s fucking disastrous. 

he is based loosely off: patroclus ( the song of achilles ), ponyboy curtis ( the outsiders ), laurie laurence ( little women ), eduardo saverin ( the social network ), remus lupin ( hp ), oliver marks ( if we were villains. ) 

( @opalsmedia​ )

[thebibliosphere]

Hi, I'm really sorry to bother you again, but I had a question regarding your patreon. Is there a way to make a one-time payment? I would love to support your book, but I am a broke college student who can't afford a monthly subscription right now. And if so, would all the perks still apply, or are the perks reserved for those who make monthly contributions? Thank you so much for your time! I'm incredibly excited about your book

Not bothering me at all! First of all, thank you so much for wanting to support my work! Second of all, with my Patreon (x), there is no obligation to remain subscribed (even more so now that many of my followers are losing their jobs and I will be putting out a post on Patreon about this later) If you only want one copy, you can either subscribe to my patreon for one month (ensure the payment has left your account) and then unsub before the next month turnover. If Patreon is a little intimidating to navigate--which it totally can be, their UI is not as easy as it used to be--you can send a one-time payment of $5 to my Ko-Fi (x) with a private message including your email and which copy of the book you’d like. Or I can just straight up invoice you on Paypal if that’s easier :D 

OR you could really help me out and wait for me to get all my administration shit together and pre-order a copy from one of the various different sites where it will be available for purchase. Amazon (x) is available atm, and iTunes and a couple of others are coming as well I am just, juggling too many things at once at the moment and every time I say “I’ll do it soon!” something else happens in my life and I lose the mental capacity to do things. But the other sites are coming for those who don’t like Amazon, I’m just trying to put all my energy into finishing the book atm and admin is not my concern quite yet.

The reason ordering from virtual/brick and mortar stores helps me out is it ups my sales rankings, and will enable people to leave reviews, which will in turn also help me break into the algorithms that drive promotions and sales. I’m already seeing a startling amount of spontaneous advertising of my work via Amazon cause y’all are amazing and keep bumping me back up to #1 new release / #1 best seller every six weeks or so in my categories (which is an insane feat for a no-name debut indie author with no money for paid advertising, holy shit thank you) and those sales matter cause it’s the difference between having sites like Amazon deciding whether you thrive or die. 

So you basically have a couple of options you can use if you don’t want to sub through patreon, and while I deeply appreciate and love everyone who is supporting my work now and helping to keep the lights on during these uncertain times, you also don’t have to rush. There are 7 months left to pre-order (!!!!!!!!) and anything you decide to do helps me out and supports my work. One just happens to be more strategically advantageous for me.

Sorry for the long reply! But a couple of folks have been asking the same question and I thought I’d just make one long post. Thank you again for the message and for wanting to support me and my work, I know all too well what it’s like to want to support people but not have the means, so I appreciate it incredibly. 

[bookish-fan-things]

The Captive Kingdom Launch Party HIGHLIGHTS

Jen has a dog that won't play fetch and a cat that hallucinates

The Kings English Bookstore is home to many authors in Utah and it has been hit hard by Covid-19. She asks for us to support them or your local indie bookstore!!!

November 14, there is going to be an author extravaganza to support TKE Bookstore

Shortly after the False Prince came out, she was still a very new author, she got a tweet from R.L. Stine, author of Goosebumps saying how much he loved TFP. She was so excited and she wanted to thank him personally but didn't know his name, and he had called her Jennifer so she didn't want to say Mr. Stine.So she ended up just saying, thanks!

Book 5 is due to her editor Monday (October 5, 2020) and she said she would be finishing this (the launch) then getting right back to it!

She showed her open project folders (there are a LOT)

Working on a World War 1 story and she showed history books she is reading such as History of the World War, A World Undone, and Weird War One.

One of her new works is about a kid with no memory, a magic sharpie, and a dice game called Boggle that sometimes talks to him and he sees a message in the dice: “they know ur here go”

Q&A!!!

Disney, book to movie adaptation possibilities? She'd be fine with it if they asked. She wants it to be made right. She wants someone who comes to at it with a fan’s perspective.

Paramount Pictures had optioned the rights to the False Prince, what happened? When you have a contract, every six months they have to decide whether to extend, cancel, or make the movie. As her six months was coming up, they fired their CEO, so everything evaporated.

How does it affect you emotionally when one of your characters goes through something traumatic or extremely challenging? She has a background in theatre and she comes to writing from a theatrical perspective. It plays out in her head like it's on stage so she becomes every character. She goes through everything with her characters, she feels it, she dreads it, she feels awful, but she's learned that “Most of us are in this stasis of being where we are just comfortable being exactly who we are and when something hard happens to us, even if we hate it, it forces us to grow. The hard thing creates heroes. So my characters start out believing they are just ordinary people, but when I do the hard things, my characters become very heroic characters. I do hard things to them because I love watching them grow.” I had to include this quote because it was so great

Favorite background character who you think gets overlooked a lot? Kerwyn, he is one of the very few stable things in the lives of the main characters, he is just good, strong, and loyal. Amarinda, she’s ok with being overlooked but she is so strong and intelligent.

Characters based on yourself? Not really, she doesn't think she is interesting enough to write about, but Sage, like her, is left handed, climbs, and has her sense of humor. She relates closely to the main character from the Scourge, Ani, and sees a lot of herself in her, but didn't base Ani on herself, they just have a lot in common.

Jen discussed how she plots out her books and how many drafts she goes through: she's got to know the twist so she can layout the hints. She shows an example of a chart of how much each character and what the reader knows. She rewrites a lot and feels it come together. First rewrite is fixing major plot issues. Second, logic. Dialogue. Description. Word choice. Could be 10-15 drafts before her editor sees it, who sees things Jen missed.

Have your characters ever taken you by surprise (with twists)? The ending of Mark of the Thief book one, she didn't expect, so she had to make some changes. Usually on top of it, and has something called the Rule of Five. Has a general idea, and makes herself come up with five possible ways the idea could play out. 1, usually pretty predictable. 5, usually really weird. 2, 3, and 4 she really gets creative. “Limitations are the mother of creativity.”

How she gets her character names: baby name books and websites (Imogen and Tobias). Symbolic, Sage (wise, a way for him to stick it to his dad and say he has wisdom), Connor (con man), Jaron (teenage boy she knew who was just a great person and outstanding kid, and if we had royalty in our country he would be a prince). Put sounds together, places, Amarinda, Mott, Roden, Kerwyn. (She also gave an example for writers to use: UTAH, UTAR, TUTAR, TOTAR, TOTARA, city of Totara!!)

She explained how she does her fantasy world building and it is mainly based on what she will need in the plot (ie Carthya is landlocked, mountains to the north, waterways that would be needed, it is resource wealthy making it desirable, etc)

Culture and religion in world building: how many gods or none? saints and devils! causing good and bad things in your life. Sage feels like he is constantly being harassed by the devils. It became a social thing in the world.

Would she want to live there [in Carthya]? Sometimes, but not in the last book that she is editing now!! *wink*

Where's fink's rat? Fink’s rat is on the castle grounds. She said this. It's canon. Fink’s. Rat. Is. In. The. Castle. (See @thedevilsofcarthya for full transcript of Jen discussing this)

TCK trailer: created by her family, particularly her son, Chase, and the voiceover was her son in law. Chase wanted to do something different and take a risk.

Your career as an author? When she started writing she knew nothing and nobody just had a manuscript that was ‘awful’ and will be buried with her. (I personally would read ANYTHING she wrote). She submitted her second one to “every agent with a pulse” and everyone said no. She wrote a new one, they said no. Fourth manuscript, she felt ready to break in, Apprentice to a Madman, she thought it was the best thing ever, submitted it and got a rejection scribble, not a letter, worked on it and kept getting rejected. One publisher had rep for taking everybody so she sent in hers. A couple months later, on her birthday, she got a call from a friend that they got an acceptance letter from the same publisher as she had submitted hers, got her own… rejected…She thought a lot about it and decided to erase everything she thought she knew about publishing and once she had a new idea, that manuscript got her agent and first publisher. That letter on her birthday was the last rejection letter she received. “Remember you can start from nowhere and find success.”

When asked for descriptions of the characters so an artist can draw them, she said, they look like how you envision them, there is no ‘right’. (Shows fanart from the competition that is on her blog!)

TCK art print was created by her niece, Ireland. It is her concept of the characters.

Writing during covid and quarantine? She's a strong believer that when God closes a door, he opens a window. She misses the opportunities to be in schools and bookshops. Just discovered a new WW2 true story she is researching. Various stories at different stages. Very excited for stories she has created because of Covid. “We will get through this, we will, and we're going to be stronger at the end because remember, when we go through hard things we get stronger."

[doycetopia]

Big Problems, Little Solutions: E-book Publishing Ideas Stolen from Gamers

Yesterday’s post generated a lot of interest. And emotion, yes, but mostly interest. If I can be allowed to revisit that post for a second, I’d like to sum the whole thing up like so:

Ignore questions of infrastructure and the costs of ebook file development; those things are tangential to the current issue. What Simon & Schuster, Hachette, and HarperCollins are doing by delaying release of ebooks has nothing to do with those issues. It is about money. Period. It’s either about pushing readers toward the purchase of hardbacks, like the good old days, or it’s about the shoving match going on between Amazon and the Big Six over the price of ebooks. Either way, it’s about money.

However, the tunnel-vision focus from the Big Six on that single issue means that they are missing something critical: by delaying the release of official ebooks, they are creating an environment in which ebook piracy (thus far, a negligible issue) can and will thrive. This will hurt them, and I believe they will transfer that pain – which they caused themselves – to their authors.

This makes me angry.

This.

There. That’s all of yesterday TLDR post, in three paragraphs. You’re welcome.

Now then.

Generally, I try to avoid pointing out a problem without proposing some possible solutions. Doing otherwise is what the kids these days refer to as a “dick move”.

So:

What could the Big Six do, with regard to the release of ebooks, that would be better than the idea they’re currently going with?

As I said yesterday:

Some folks asked me yesterday what I thought of James McQuivey’s idea to delay the ebook-as-a-separate-thing by four months, but also give it away as a free thing with every purchase of a hardback edition. I think it’s a great idea. I thought it was a great idea when I suggested it to my agent about six months ago on Twitter. However, I won’t take credit for it – the indie gaming industry has been doing that for years; as a smaller, more nimble publishing organism, it has already felt and adapted to the changes of the digital age, and could teach the ‘real’ publishing world a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t.

I told Joanna Penn in an interview last year that the tabletop role-playing gaming industry started out by trying to model the methods of traditional publishing, found out the hard way that that really didn’t work for them (in the long run, it’s not working for big publishers either, but they’re BIG, so they didn’t notice as soon), and had to find new solutions.  They were the first to adopt electronic publishing, shame-free POD printing, electronic-only publishing, podcasting-modules, mixed media releases, and every other experimental method anyone could think of, good or bad. That’s fine: they’re small, and experimenting is something  small groups of people can DO that big groups can’t.

But what that means is that they’ve come up with some things that consistently seem to work, which, to a greater or lesser degree, might translate into solutions for Big Publishing that would please even the greedy bastards longing for the golden profits of yesteryear.  I don’t have much time, so let’s get right to it.

Package the ebook with the hardback as a value-add

This works. More to the point it IS WORKING. Not just in gaming, but on Amazon, with the Kindle. For gaming examples, go to indie press revolution and take a look at the options for games like Penny for My Thoughts, Spirit of the Century, or Mouse Guard.  I’m not going to discuss this further; this is the granddaddy of ‘new’ ideas, and dead-fucking-simple to implement.

Subscriptions

Whazza? Subscriptions?

Eleven million WoW players tells me that this is a sales method that can work.

Take a look at Paizo.com. They have a brilliant kind of deal set up for all their games and plain-old books: set up a subscription to one of their channels (like Planet Stories, which is your classic pulp “planetary romance” stuff). It costs you X dollars a year or whatever. Every month, you get an email about the new releases within that “channel”, on ebook. NEW releases. If you decide to buy, you get 30% off the unwashed-masses price. (Edit: Or hey, you get it on day-of-hardback-release. Even better: Both.)

Or, how about the Big Dog of gaming, Wizards of the Coast? WotC has done some stupid stuff with regard to PDFs of their products in the past, but DnD Insider is smart. Pay for a monthly subscription to the service, and you a couple magazines every month with articles and useful stuff, written by the names you’re already fans of, some cool apps, and ‘free’ access to every one of their current books, as searchable PDFs.  I’m not a member, but I gather that members also get access to ‘preview’ copies of upcoming books, months before they’re released, which generates stir and interest and maybe a few advance reviews posted on —

Oh, you know what that sounds like in publishing? Advance Reader Copies (ARCs).

Yeah: “Sign up for our monthly subscription, and get digital ARCs of our upcoming titles, and a discount on the REAL digital copy when it’s released.” What book nerd wouldn’t jump at the chance?

The Ransom Model

There are a couple game designers who do stuff like this, notably Greg Stolze and Daniel Solis. There are a couple different ways it gets implemented. With Stolze’s Reign supplements, if Greg collects enough money from contributors (the “threshold pledge”) he releases the ebook as a free download for anyone and everyone.  An easy tweak for this in Big Publishing works like this: “If we get enough preorders for the ebook, we’ll release it the same day as the hardback comes out. If not, you have to wait.” I like this, because it lets consumers tell publishers what they want — a ransom model works pretty well as a market study — the consumer has power, and if they don’t exercise it, the publisher feels justified in delaying release.

I can’t help but note that this is a pretty workable thing for indie authors. (If you don’t want to take preorder money for something you might not end up doing, run it like a publish-athon and just take pledges — it’s still a good a way to gauge interest.)

You can also reward the ransom-preorder people in lots of fun ways. A thank-you list on the website or inside the book, mentioning people who helped make that version of the book happen when it did. A unique cover for the advance-order people. Hell, I dunno – what else would be cool?

That’s stuff off the top of my head, stolen from people who are making it work in gaming (and thanks to Chris Weeda for the suggestion).

The important take-away is this: ideas and implementations vary, but they all have one thing in common: they require embracing e-publishing, not holding it at arm’s length like a used condom you found in the spare sheets for your hotel room.

Embracing it. That’s the first thing publishers need to do. That’s the first step.

Right now? I’m not seeing it.

And that’s not a problem anyone but the publishers themselves can fix.

original post

[writingquestionsanswered]

I love hearing about a writer's creative process. I found these questions that I thought were interesting: How long on average does it take you to write a book? What was the best money you ever spent as a writer? How many hours a day do you write? Is writing your full time job? Thanks!

Personal Q&A: Creative Process Questions

1. How long on average does it take you to write a book?

I can write a first draft in about a month, but getting it to the final draft takes me a lot longer. I spent five years on my first book, my second one will probably be a little over three years total. I’d love to get it down to a year for my third book, but we’ll see!

2. What was the best money you ever spent as a writer? 

As a writer, any number of writing books. As an author, my book cover. 

3. How many hours a day do you write?

It depends. Generally about 1-3 hours a day, but there are days when I never get a chance to write, or I sit down to write and it’s an immediate NOPE. When I’m really in the groove, I can end up writing for five or six hours a day.

4. Is writing your full time job?

Sort of... it is in the sense that I’m able to do it full time, but it doesn’t provide me with a livable income. It may eventually, but most indie authors don’t see a steady income until they have a fairly large backlog. So, it really helps if you can get out more than one book every 3-5 years... 

Thanks so much for those questions! <3

[richincolor]

Interview with Lipan Apache Author Dr. Darcie Little Badger

Today we celebrate the book release of the slightly creepy and very intriguing mystery-fantasy Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger (Lipan Apache) illustrated by Rovina Cai. I read an advanced copy last month and the story captivated me. Here's a one minute video to give you an introduction to this unique tale.

Darcie is quite a creative and accomplished person. She has a PhD in Oceanography, an award winning cosplay Magic Ivy, and will soon be writing a Dani Moonstar One-shot. We're fortunate to have Darcie on the website today to share about her debut novel and her writing.

Crystal Brunelle: You've written comics, short stories, nonfiction and at least one dissertation. What got you to jump into the young adult realm?

Darcie Little Badger: Thanks to my habit of throwing random thoughts on Twitter, I can pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that Elatsoe had to be a YA book. December 30, 2016, I Tweeted, “Uuuuuuhhhhh whyyyyy. Realized that the main character in this book of mine needs to be in high school, so I'm rewriting the whole thing.”

Yep. Elatsoe started as an adult book. But after about 10,000 words, I hit a wall. The story wasn’t working. At a deep, almost instinctual level, I knew that Ellie—her voice, her fight, and her triumph—had to be a young adult. So, er, I guess it’s less that I jumped into the YA realm and more that the YA realm summoned me.

Crystal: As a young adult, what kind of things were you reading and enjoying? Did you see yourself represented in what you found?

Darcie: During Middle and High School, I read almost anything in the fantasy/sci-fi section of the local libraries. Hundreds of books. Gosh, I was a voracious reader. The thing is, people are complex, and human identity contains multiple components. So I’d see parts of myself represented. I’d read about girls. I’d read about eccentric nerds. But in those hundreds of books, I never—seriously never—encountered a Lipan Apache character. Heck, there are very few Native American characters in sci-fi/fantasy. So the answer to the question “did you see yourself represented in what you found” is “only partially.” Which, considering the importance of the missing piece, was discouraging.

Crystal: Has publishing a novel changed your life in any interesting ways?

Darcie: Honestly, this is a difficult question to answer, since it’s been a very painful year for me and my family. We’ve experienced profound loss – it’s still recent and very difficult to talk about. Plus, I’ve been sheltering in place since late February. So everything has changed. And I don’t know what my life has become. Or even what I have become. But I can say that the support Elatsoe has received—the kindness of readers and other writers during this rough debut year—is a ray of light in dark times.

Crystal: I just finished reading your upcoming book and really enjoyed seeing the relationship between Elatsoe and her dog Kirby. Have you had strong connections with any dogs in particular that you may have been holding in your heart or mind as you wrote?

Darcie: Kirby is directly inspired by my first dog, an English springer spaniel. My family adopted him from an animal shelter in Vermont. I still remember meeting Kirby for the first time. His tail  wagging, he pranced to the wall of the kennel and stuck his nose between the metal bars, as if asking for a pat. We took him on a “getting to know you” walk and then immediately took him home. The original Kirby was gentle and smart, and I’ll always love him. In fact, my life—past, present, and future—is enriched by all the dogs I’ve loved.

Crystal: Elatsoe encounters quite a few monsters and she knows about many others from family stories. Who or what would you consider monsters in the here and now and are any of them represented in your writing?

Darcie: Without spoiling any Elatsoe secrets, Dr. Allerton, one of the primary antagonists in the book, definitely represents an insidious variety of real-world monster.

Crystal: Not many young adult novels have illustrations. What led to that decision?

Darcie: Haha! This is a good question for my editor, Nick. I believe it was his idea for Rovina Cai to provide an illustration for every chapter heading. So I wrote a script for a visual story within a story, one that connects to the main plot in surprising ways and answers a key mystery of the book (namely, what happened to Ellie’s legendary six-great grandmother?) And from that script, Rovina created beautiful, ghostly illustrations. It was such an honor to collaborate with her.

Crystal: Are you working on anything else for young adults that you're allowed to talk about yet?

Darcie: I can vaguely discuss my next YA book. It’s a fantasy with elements of science fiction (I’m clearly into genre fusion, considering that Elatsoe is a mystery/fantasy). Specifically, Untitled New Book is an epic two-world adventure involving near-future Earth and a land of spirits and monsters. I’m trying to finish that before the year ends. There are other projects in the work, but they’re secrets (for now muahahaha).

Crystal: How would someone be able to figure out that you are a book nerd?

Darcie: If the piles of books in my room aren’t a dead giveaway, I can always wear one of my many “Book Nerd” t-shirts! Seems like every time I visit my favorite indie bookshop, I pick up a new t-shirt. And books. So many books. I guess I’m still a voracious reader.

If you'd like to learn more about Dr. Darcie Little Badger and her writing, you may visit her website or find her on Twitter. Today, August 25th, there is also an online conversation between Darcie and Traci Sorell hosted by McNally Jackson in New York City via Zoom at 6pm EST.

Extra Videos: - Comic-Con Interview - SXSQ ESU - Panel on Border Crossing and Sacred Stories - Comic-Con Panel with Latinx & Native American Storytellers