#though I didn't forget ;w;
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#my tmnt art#tmnt leonardo#tmnt bayverse#bayverse leonardo#bayverse leo#Bay!Leo#bayverse tmnt art#one word: a r m s#artist's insight: my favorite part of this piece is his beak and that inner curve of his left arm. I really fell in love with the shadow#a reminder that i change bayverse's shells in my art because i don't like the way they look in the movie.#yes i know that is not how they look in the movie. it is a conscious choice#the first bayverse movie just turned 10 years old recently and wow. w o w. how time flies.#Why did i not watch this in college. What was i doing with my life. didn't i know? didn't i understand?#forget getting good grades i could have been a turtle person in school i dropped the ball.#tbf though i probably wouldn't have survived seeing leo land on that wall in theaters lol#tmnt 2014#TMNT 2016
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Is it okay if I say I like it?
2024 new years headers・★
For @sekaitransparents 1000 followers event (prompt 6: old or new)・★
Free to use, please reblog and credit if using!・★
#i made some icons to go with these but i didn't really like them. lmk if you guys want them anyway though#they don't have characters on them I made them with it in mind that yhe banner would be the focus but idk how many people are into that#links: quote/transparent credit#i just realized ive been forgetting to put the star. not bothering w that thoug#sekai 1000 follower special#mizuki akiyama#akiyama mizuki#shiho hinomori#hinomori shiho#that just autocorrected to hinomori shit lmfao...#meiko vocaloid#vocaloid meiko#l/n meiko#mafuyu asahina#and that just tried to autocorrect to asshole. my keyboard is outing me on how i swear like a sailor#asahina mafuyu#saki tenma#tenma saki#monochrome#grayscale#pink#green#red#purple#blue#indigo#yellow#project sekai#project sekai headers
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the paradesi synagogue in kochi, kerala, india. the first synagogue on the site, built by the city's longstanding malabari jewish community, was destroyed by portugese who'd colonized the area in their persecution of locals. it was rebuilt in 1568 by spanish and portugese jews who fled persecution and later expulsion, hence the name "paradesi" ("foreign" in malayalam).
these sephardic jews and a community of jews of mixed african and european descent who were formerly enslaved ("meshuchrarim", "freedmen" in hebrew) joined the malabari jewish community of kochi and somewhat integrated. they were later joined by some iraqi, persian, yemenite, afghan, and dutch sephardic jews. the middle eastern and european jews were considered "white jews" and permitted malabari jews and meshuchrarim to worship in the synagogue. however, in what seems like a combination of local caste dynamics and racism, malabari jews were not allowed full membership. meshuchrarim weren't allowed in at all, but were instead made to sit outside during services and not allowed their own place of worship or other communal rights.
as the "white jews" tended to be rather wealthy from trade, this synagogue contains multiple antiquities. they include belgian glass chandeliers on its walls, hand-painted porcelain tiles from china on its floors, and an oriental rug that was gifted by ethiopian emperor haile selassie.
#india#architecture#interior#worship#jewish#sephardic#mizrahi#abrahamic kerala#my posts#this seems like a combo of european racism & s asian casteism but idk anything abt castes so idk how right i am#imo the attitude of the paradesi sephardim sort of echoes what went on w/ portugese & st thomas christians#though they were also influenced by ''jewish racism'' (someone not being an ''authentic'' jew or 100% jewish in lineage)#also its interesting that most paradesi jews who left india went to other commonwealth countries while most malabar jews went to occupied#palestine (for the same reason indian muslims went to pakistan more or less). something something the west's unwanted refugee dumping groun#also i'm not saying the portugese didn't persecute against locals who practiced other religions just that there was a Very Specific type of#persecution st thomas christians and malabari jews faced from them#one more thing: i think most americans dont know (and western europeans like to forget) that the transatlantic slave trade went into#western europe as well. even if most w euro countries outlawed slavery before the us did#and also that ‘white’ has never had a linear definition (yemenites are very not ‘white’-looking to the average american)
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The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."
#I've secondhand seen the way Sherlock...was.#And yeah that's very pointedly cruel to the audience.#But not everything is that aware of its following to point by point mock them for half an hour.#And I think people forget that for a period there was a unique combination of awareness of gay people and homophobia bad#and a severe need to avoid being perceived as gay (and sometimes homophobic) at the same time#while it was ALSO very acceptable to treat the existence of gay people and homophobia or discomfort with both as a joke#so that whole wink wink nudge nudge dance was a huge thing in some of the 90s and earlier 2000s#and sometimes by doing that people accidentally made it seem even more fucking gay.#Or on purpose. People also forget that yeah gay people could exist as a joke but they couldn't be casual protags or w/e.#It wasn't really done like that.#I think what it's really proof of is that the 90s/early 2000s is long enough ago that people have become illiterate to the cultural cues.#When comedians complain 'you cant make jokes anymore' sometimes this is the exact thing they're referring to.#Gay people being on TV or in books isn't some funny joke you make anymore. Just being gay or seen as gay isn't the punchline it used to be.#People are shitty about it still but it's in a different way now. Being gay isn't as much the big embarrassment it used to be.#Gay tv shows and books are a whole market now. And stuff like Sherlock or supernatural were made right in the middle of that shift.#It's the only way you could position a strategy like this. I don't know if that cultural moment really exists anymore.#Audience backlash is also more massive and in real time.#Now instead of mockery at the idea of idk Dr house md being gay conservatives would see it as a 'culture war' thing.#And non conservatives are more vocal and more liable to criticize. TV shows are seen as keepers of culture in ways they weren't before.#I don't know how to describe it exactly. I'm not an expert and I know I'm missing some pieces or things I wanted to point out.#But yeah I just think people kind of. Forgot how people treated gayness as some kind of cootie disease you had to say#You didn't have really hard all the time. People are still sort of like that but idk the language changed.#A lot of talk about homophobia and queerness is very pseudo-academic now. The distancing happens with different signifiers.#But. Yeah.#☠️#I also think queerbaiting requires a specific kind of intent as a marketing strategy.#Instead of the more likely 'well we have an unintended gay following now so I guess we can throw in some fanservice#the network would literally never allow us to do anything with it even if we wanted to though.'
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HEY
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#pink space#i really like the subtract glitch i've been doing recently - so here's some of that again lol :3#the way it interacts with their palettes is so fun i like it a lot ehegh :33#//anyway do you ever consider just tossing out any part the human body you've learned to draw and just drawing dumb little guys with arms#like pipecleaners forever or what hfhs#//oh this is was doobled in traditional originally#i need to digitize more of these. Because#though aura's hair was more extreme in the second panel in that version - i'm tired though and 3 days ago it was the same so no feelings to#change that lol :)#also i didn't shrink the noise enough so it didn't look right - and i was not going to reimport it so Bon Voyage my dude hfhs#was Supposed to fit on a 900x900 canvas but i made the panels a liiiiitle bit too big so it's 950x950#which is Fine it's a round number but it's not a Round-Round number so [gesturing]#1000x1000 was way too big for this little thing so she sits at a pleasant halfway point :>#//anyway i was also up til 3 a.m. last night doing ?? something ?? i genuinely don't even know what lmfhsbvh#nice though maybe my brain'll get a reset lol :3#stay up really late some random nights and jumpstart your brain!! it's foolproof!! never fails!! [<- these statements have not been reviewe#by the FDA or the Center for Sleep Control]#//ANywho now i'm going to be on my way#/oh i also forgot to post the oath n aura refs i made for artfight lol-#i'll prolly put those up w/ the kira and hid ones though :>>#i like to have the whole ensemble :D i Do feel bad when one of them gets left out hghsfh - like forgetting a stuffed animal somewhere#even though they're all together for small portion of the story it still feels off lol#i should prolly introduce the rest of the cast at some point. .... ......... ..........hm yea prolly. maybe one day hfhs#//anyway NOW i'm going i've run out of tag space i think hfhs - toodles !! :>
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You know thinking of Dave (because I'm chopping onions and as a sigma I can't be seen crying for emotional reasons) and I did realize Jack really never calls him out of Henry does he? Like the one time he does is bc it was about Dee (in the first area) and in pure evil, both in 2 and 3, Jack won't tell him all Henry did to him and his family.
I need to keep chopping vegetables but don't y'all find it curious? Like I'd seen someone mention how there's no way to bring up the tapes when talking to either Dave or DTrap which admittedly I ruled off as DD just not wanting to bother writing more for an already long game but with all these other things in mind it's just strange.
#luly talks#couldn't tell you why though#i mean when he calls him out in 3 evil end before he RIPS HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF Dave seems to be really... moved. regretful#i might be just fucking forgetting a crucial part of flipside but aside from that i mentioned after Jacob i dont remember it happening#this came bc i was thinking of that dave DID know btw bc i think he's aware he died?#i think henry says early on he didn't know but when he calls jack all souless and creepy jack'o'lantern says ''takes one to know one Dave''#and dave drops my beloved ''that huwt old sport 😢'' (HIS INABILITY TO SAY Rs SMTIMES IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME)#but aside from being funny it really shows he Knows he's souless and i dont think he EVER cries over something so small again(in 2 at least)#OTHER TIME HE CRIES aside from the breakup THAT I REMEMBER IS WHEN HE TALKS W PHONEY#sorry peter old habits die hard#AND AGAIN HE'S TALKING ABOUT HENRY#huh. lights smoke and walks into tje sea#dsaf#dsaf dave#dsaf jack#jack kennedy#dave miller
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and also just adding onto that, the recent wave of like armchair diagnosing ppl as npd is sooo annoying. Like its actually a serious condition, you CANNOT diagnose someone as npd with just one story or interaction. Sometimes ppl are not "narcissistic", they're just assholes? It feels like every second story i hear, there's ppl going "thats a narcissistic trait yk :/" and its like just bc its a narcissistic trait doesnt mean they have npd??
yes defintely !! it's so so harmful and i have not seen any other disorder (except maybe aspd?) get as much demonisation and hate as npd has and it is genuinely so heartbreaking bc it is a serious dissociative disorder that does Not inherently make anyone a bad person and yet !! like the term "narcissistic abuse" and also ppl just generally equating [mostly covert] abuse w narcissism is so immensely Harmful .
anyway i think we should bring back calling people mean, assholes, rude, gaslighters, abusers, etc instead of being like "my mother was a narc abuser so all ppl w npd are abusers and will never change!" etc etc bc it does 3 horrible things:
1) implies all people with npd are abusers
2) implies people with npd are not capable of self-improvement just like any other human being
3) offloads the horrible actions of abusers onto a disorder, thereby taking away the responsibility they had/choices they made in the situation and instead blames the (completely inaccurate + harmful!!) perceived invariability/ubiquitous evil of npd symptoms/traits .
"how to spot a narcissist" babe are we birdwatching now for ppl with a dissociative disorder or...???
#basically i had a breakdown moment where i realised that despite upholding lying as like. a moral principle .#i used to lie a lot in the past. but i didn't rly realise it then. and having this realisation kind of like...broke down a lot#of self image issues etc and i started looking into Why i did what i did etc...obvs i felt an immense amt of guilt#and while researching i found npd and i was like oh the symptoms actually kinda match#i started doing research into it and oh my godddd the amount of absolutely horrifying articles etc etc i found#nothing was helpful and everything was just what to do if ur parent is an evil narcissist 🤪 and it was just like. signs of covert abuse.#and i was like. even if i did have this disorder i would be so discouraged for getting help bc of this!! there were like 2 places on this#whole internet w an ounce of compassion. anyway i talked to my therapist and she said i definitely do not have npd and there is a much bett#explanation etc bc im autistic and there are comorbidities etc etc but i cannot forget the sheer . feeling of heartbreak and horror.#like the way that these people were being talked about as though they are animals. whole human beings who were abused and mistreated#ive never in my life seen such blatant and rampant and LOUD villinisation and demonisation of ppl with a disorder#i realised this was a problem b4 i went down the research rabbit hole but this just made me realise the sheer extent of it. truly disgustin
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i can just imagine this poor catsitter in all of the endings where mc stays in eden, unsure of what to do with this cat who's owner went missing during that sixth earthquake
#👓#livebrushing#oh man this is getting me thinking about the guys in all of the endings where mc stays in eden#bc like it's one thing for her to stay in godheim#at that time they kinda barely knew her#but like during eden they clearly know her well enough to text her and make sure she's doing okay#i got no idea how much time passed btwn godheim and eden (though i wonder if it's like 2-3 months)#<- suddenly remembered ayn's 'you didn't forget me did you' line in date if you sit afk in the date screen w him#me writing down yet another fic idea where ayn can't be together w mc because of ANOTHER ayn#if i had a nickel for every time the actions of another ayn prevented modern ayn and mc from getting together in a fic idea i had#i'd have two nickels
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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THE PROMO FOR RHE NEXT EPISODE AUUUUUWA FYRHCYFYAYAYAYAoooOoh yeahh🎵 ohhhh Yeah mmMmm YEAH....
#squealing but i can be normal i'm normal i can be normal any time#the bar is so goddamn low i'm so starved for a real adventure. ''remember those?'' i was starting to forget honestly#seriously though the reason i'm moving on so fast is because i didn't love the lore heavy unmortricken as much as everyone else seems to#but a rewatch is still due! and i'll think about it more#i have this long ass post in the drafts about why prime rick never compelled me that much but i don't. i have a hard time expressing#negative opinions‚ not criticism but just a negative sentiment or just an ''i'm not satisfied''#i still might post it i don't know#i just don't want to bring anyone down or post an invitation for arguments‚ and so it might be time to treat this blog less like a journal#sometimes. just sometimes when i'm not that impressed w new ricky morty#kata.txt#rnm
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oh shit i talked about gay men during lesbian visibility week
#not like they're gay for each other. but. the discussions of it#I SWEAR I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO I'M JUST. A FAKE LESBIAN. SORRY#i'll write up the situation w the main four girls though because i have. extensive thoughts on how each one realized#they were sapphic. or in sara's case realizing aroace after that process.#and also i just feel like reko and sara would have a sweet talk abt it... nao's more open than reko is (to me)#but i think sara would appreciate someone who deviates so far from the typical - who's lived in spaces w these people for so long#that she did genuinely forget abt the societal pressure [otherwise]#esp considering the. restraints the chidouins put out. you know.#jestersvaguely#yttdposting#<- solely to remind myself
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sighs. okay tmi posting sorry guys
#lunar bunny chatter#my horniness has been fluctuating the last day or so and it's definitely because of my period. this morning was crazy#i went to some DMs to listen to an audio message i got and i just died again and thought about some stuff which led me back onto tumblr#and i just went to look at some text posts and now that i look back. dude i have such an atrocious daddy/mommy kink it's actually funny#i mean. i really like the idea of being an appealing figure and my criteria for who i call daddy is so specific. there's just two people#that fall into that category but i don't like the other person as much as the other one. hi sorry for being gay i need this off of my chest#also hanging out with some friends and im so bad at comebacks and all that. how the fuck am i gonna top without stuttering and fumbling#and forgetting words.... that's my biggest worry. it doesn't help that i get super chatty when nervous but maybe i can work it in my favor#i wanna try out the title stuff just to test the waters before going absolutely ham. maybe as a cute joke i'll go “oh sure w/e u say daddy”#“lol haha” but it just seems real fun. i think it's hot too but. yeah it's a lot to unpack ahaha.#i still have a lot of guilt for talking dirty and being more brave when talking but that's just because i always felt like i didn't have...#the right to explore that especially when a lot of people i knew back then thought of me as “pure and innocent girl” and like. yeah fuck no#this was a really meandering ramble but my point: “daddy hot mommy hot i wanna explore that and im also nervous about stuff”#i do genuinely enjoy when i get in the mood though especially with someone i trust and like. click with? i hope that isn't too much to say#but it feels very natural and i don't have to force or hide anything. i just need a bit more confidence ahaha#that's all the rambling i got in me im gonna listen to some classic music from latin artists because im silly and mildly sentimental rn.
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that moment when: everyone's lives are restricted and constricted and these imposed consequences are attributed to anyone's continual individual failures to seek, find, and follow the Correct Path through Life, and so everyone is left on their own to only be seeking & finding these failures as well as the only answer to how their lives can be better....versus Not seeing the world as the free marketplace meritocracy of everyone's personal failures/successes, nor everything in your own life, and thus not forever having to scrutinize Where You Must Be Bringing It Upon Yourself by fucking up or at least failing to do the correct thing, and exist only in perpetual punishment for your ongoing failure and occasional temporary reprieves from it. recognizing everything that wasn't & isn't & wouldn't be [this is because you're bringing it upon yourself] and thus having more capacity & capability to look at the realm of your personal individual self, reality, experiences, life through the perpetual instances of seeking, finding, and following your own needs/wants through one's inherent personhood and exercises of autonomy and recognition of where & when & how one recognizes moments of their existing freely & in more resonant genuine alignment with themself, you know? endless examples to be found in endless fractals of [where & how are people's lives made smaller]. and that of course this doesn't preclude the ability/option at any time to question one's choices, since you'll be able to find more Actual choices available to you (and, also crucially, find more actual choices made by others that are in the pursuit of limiting Yours) to look at, and people getting to exercise their autonomy isn't the same as "everyone doing anything they want regardless of how it affects others" since that [how does it affect others?] element instead being Regarded would be able to lead to recognizing that, in fact, an effect might be the infringement on others' autonomy, hence: There's A Problem....like the ability to just go ham with [questioning???] anything in existence, certainly including oneself, b/c the "norm" is such that rather you're only supposed to be able to question yourself for your failings (or those positioned as less than, thus, beneath you) and not even have the language to express a questioning of aspects of life beyond that b/c stop calling anyone "cis" they're just Normal, Just Be Normal and it would all be fine
#brought to you by: i think one of my feelings lately of A Shift is in my less than ever running this like continuous background function of#looking for Thee Answer (just like the black suits) in any & everything that could serve as the Key to like. whatever could fit into place#to like set things on a [hell yeah. life? better] path. juxtaposing this recent sense of things with the [lol. in retrospect i Do see a new#context wherein i can Recognize smthing abt myself] past going on of like. granpa greentext story be me be fifteen i'm in college b/c i hat#school i also mostly assumed i'd probably fail out freshman yr but didn't. i've never known what i'd wanna major in & as a sophomore i'm de#supposed to figure it out in time for scheduling my jr yr classes (though Ideally have known from the start / been scheduling thusly) & so#many evenings during dinner i'm furiously perusing the daily print news as i've been doing for some yrs to Keep Up W/Current Events but now#also consciously like ''boy i hope in the course of doing this i stumble across some info that sparks some eureka moment of Getting what my#major should Obviously be so i can understand the rest of my life around [do job] b/c i sure as hell don't understand it around [be married#much less [be parent] so one option remains obvi'' whereas now i realize like lol you Were figuring out a guiding light in doing so & that#perspective being honed was one of Having A Political Analysis times....which also provides another Example of [only being able to interpre#what makes your life & your world the way it is: via Your Personal Failures to have already Had Better] in that just like i often forget i#misguidedly (but also reasonably; clearly also using & seeking that autonomy & freedom) tried to have a better existence within the#situation i was in by Coming Out As Trans to parents via an email that was then not directly discussed ever; b/c any legitimate discussion#was not permissible like how so many matters of [supposed correct existence] are Unspeakable so as to be Unquestionable#languaging that succeeds & sustains itself having to be expansive / flexible / creative / evolving too. Making Up Words hell yes#anyways so i also forget i Did try to propose majoring in things that Did more approach what i was suspecting were things i'd wanna do#but even the first like expression of anything on the periphery of that was met with ''no you'd hate it b/c you'd have to deal w/Stupid Ppl#every day'' (by which was meant; with believed inherent synonymity: poor people) & then i also will oft forget i pushed for it any further#which i Know i did b/c of it next being met with angry & aggressive ''i've never heard you talk abt that interest before So''#(wonder why? withholding info to protect yourself=finding room in one's life for existing more freely; exercising the autonomy to Do That)#but it's easy to forget b/c The All Encompassing Perspective was rather [i'm sure Failing to just Know my major for the sole possibility fo#defining one's entire life: The Correct Dream Job] & then Failing to push it or just express it & be understood ''correctly'' even if i Did#have any ideas in that realm. vs seeing how i Was succeeding & was recognizing shit & pursuing it & looking out for myself & etccc#it's undeniable lol like the framing even that Blaming Oneself is an autonomy seeking response. b/c your autonomous power in your own life#sure Would be more immediate if Everything Really Was Your Fault (when ofc really this is abt obscuring & denying the responsibility of ppl#who have the power over others' lives & then have to act like this is all the fault of the Others; they themselves have never Truly Chosen)#no victim blaming no condemnation of anyone's ''passivity'' here babey#re: the undeniability it's how like. maybe you've only Just realized you're not cis but in doing so it's like ''oh That's what i already#recognizing in various ways throughout my whole life'' it's all always Been there/going on & perspex shifts + new lenses can reveal them
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mooooah than you could evah knowww all i want for chirstmaaahhessss, ieeeyissss youuuu0oou0oouo0ouyeaaaaAaa
#just me hi#[absolute gibberish for 4 consecutive minutes]#SPINNING#spinning SO FAST#or a relatively fast. it might depend lol .w.#//it's Saturday that's pretty cool !!#i like tuesdays more but saturdays are okay !!#//AH i'm teaching myself over the rainbow on the piany !! took me like 3ish days but i'm starting to smooth it out lol :3 :DDD#i keep getting D+F confused with F+A which has been. a Time hfbshf#and i get the sharps mixed up sometimes but that's okay because i'll get it eventually :D#//started rewriting p1nk space last night again because i do really love the story and i want to see how i could get myself to finish it lo#turns out it's easier to write if i'm reading too! that's interesting !!#//ooo i'm sneepy though hfvsh#i stayed up til 1 a.m. last night for some reason ?? i didn't even really do anything so ?#//also i think i forgot to say but apollo n i finished the 2nd twilight movie + i think i'll draw a thing for it before we watch the next#one lol#we had to take a break because he was fed UP with the squad's nonsense hbfshbafbvja#but he's been asking if we could finish it so :33 i gotta make my thing before i forget forever again lmao#//!! i have legos i just remembered#i have somehow amassed a decent amount so i'm going to add little things to my set. very neat!!#i have a pie and milk and some other things and stuffs i don't remember lol#//i am going to go now though! not cuz i'm gonna do anything but probably because i'm starting to lose focus here hsfbv#toodles ciao see you some time from now ! :>>
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Not to pretend I'm no longer losin my damn mind or anythin but it does make me feel kinda sick now. Thinkin bout the way I was this close to convincing myself I'm (still) in love w/ him
#i mean i don't know if it's totally on me but. he didn't say anythin about it this time#or make me say anything#he's just been.....so totally fucking different i forgot what he's really like#i always do that shit happens n i feel fucking awful for a day or two n then it's just gone#i've like....compartmentalized him into two different people n they don't even match his subsystem#it's the real him the one that he always seems to regress back into. the one who hates me n fucks w/ my head for sport apparently#who treats me like a toy n makes me do things he knows i fucking hate n calls me every degrading thing he can think of#but i just. forget all of that when he gets like this. i know it's just pretend at least i tell myself i know that but#it's fucking hard to even wanna remember when he takes care of me like he said he would. he makes the thoughts go away n my head go quiet#he doesn't push anythin i don't wanna do n tells me i'm pretty n that i don't need to change anything n that it's not my fault i'm sick#praises me for eating cause he knows how hard it is for me n reminds me to take my meds n i just. how am i supposed to fight that#i know it's all pretend but it's all i ever fucking wanted#i can't function in this reality#i tried so damn hard n it just. it all falls apart anyway#i'm not built for this i need too much n have too little to give n i can't even fucking communicate in a way people understand#right now i don't wanna see him n it scares me knowing how easy it's for him to just. make me give myself up completely#but at least i don't delude myself into thinkin it won't happen again#believing that never made it easier to resist it just made the shame worse#i'm already ashamed enough all the time#i'm really scared i do still love him though#he's gonna fucking break me#spdrvent
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me back on my semi-yearly watching of drumeo vids for fun (anguish) shit specifically "______'s drummer hears ______ for the 1st time" and GOdD ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE A REAL KIT AND LEARRRRRRN IT LOOKS SO GREAT AND FUN AND I FEEL VERY CONNECTED TO IT IN A WAY I CAN'T DESCRIBE WHENEVER I WATCH SOMEONE PLAY 😭😭😭😭
#it's so fascinating and i think i'd really take to it and well i've been right about these things before#like if i had space and didn't live in an apt back when that gov money hit i would have gotten a starter#it was actually my 1st thought before a bass which idk why though bc i was lichrally in an apartment lmao#i have an e-kit but haven't used it much cause still kinda loud and i was away and now it's elsewhere for the time being but#once i get back on my feet w by bass playing i may set it up again bc the itch will be too great#but even then i just want to work on the real thingggg#and i Know it'd be so theraputic for my rage (and tactile needs w my anxiety even a lil practice pad for that would be nicee)#(will be hell for my tinnitus tho so oop (plugz4ever))#lichrally a bass sun drums moon ass bitch#ppl will spend 5 mins w me & get that i'm a bassist 'ohh you're sOo chilllll! oh ofc!' but Never guess how angry i am all the fucking time#literally so chillangry it hurts? (lol jokes aside idk how that exists in such a small space like how have i not imploded)#i Need to Hit Shit#(constructively. (or destructively without consequences.))#(((still can't believe i've never made it to a break room i keep forgetting they exist or am poor att or both)))#anyway back to watching and crying
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