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link4eva · 3 years ago

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Kiro’s Mind’s Quest: Infatuation Play Translation Part 2 [CN]

Hey! Here’s Part 2 of Infatuation Play. Here is Part 1 if you haven’t read it yet.

Enjoy~ 💛

*Spoilers for future content below!*

[Chapter 4]

MC: It seems I’ve put too much salt in the seasoning….

MC: If it’s salty…. add more water!

Kiro: Haha.

Kiro was amused by what I said, and he shook off a piece of beef and tasted it.

Kiro: Good to eat!

Kiro also gave me a piece, the evening light leaked in from the window, reflecting a small layer of fluff on his face.

In the steam, the spicy and delicious smell seemed to dispel the previously unremarkable smell in the house.

I took a sip of soda and brought up the topic from before. *Changed some wording*

MC: By the way, in addition to encountering the big challenge of an actor’s career, filming NG….

MC: Is there anything else that left an impression on you?

Kiro looked down and thought about it seriously.

Kiro: Does scaring a crying kid count?

MC: Of course!

Kiro smiled when he saw the eagerness on my face to hear the story.

Kiro: This scene is also related to entering the character state.

Kiro: In order to maintain this state, I kept myself bored in the hotel room for a long time….

Kiro: Probably because of my routine, no one reminded me.

Kiro: Later, I didn’t know the exact time anymore. When I came out, I felt that I had been in the dark for a long time.

Kiro: I realized that I was a bit too immersed, so I went to buy a bottle of soda to take a break.

Kiro: Then I met a kid in the crew…. I didn’t do anything, he just saw me and then cried.

Kiro’s voice was very low, and the hot pot gurgled.

I think of Kiro’s immersive performance on the screen, and then I dig a little deeper into what he said just now-- *Changed some wording*

It was as if he had a bitter fruit in his heart, and he desperately wanted to hide it from me. The more bitter it was, the stronger the taste.

In the end, the fruit still found its way into my heart.

I sniffed and couldn’t help joking.

MC: From another perspective, that kid got to watch a scene for free.

Kiro raised his eyes, and I continued with a smile.

MC: I want to watch the exclusive performance of the big star Kiro too!

MC: Thinking about it this way, I feel a little jealous.

I took his hand and his fingertips quivered slightly.

Kiro: Don’t you think I’m not doing well enough? As a professional actor, I shouldn’t be in this situation.

I shook my head.

MC: Remember, you asked me before if there was anything interesting about this business trip.

MC: In fact, in the city where I was on business, there would be lively gatherings at night on the street next to the hotel.

MC: Looking down from the balcony, there are clusters of lights, and everyone sits on the steps and chats casually.

MC: When I saw it, I was thinking, “I must bring Kiro here next time. He will love the sparkling cider here.”

I looked at Kiro brightly. He seemed to be imagining the scene I described with slight waves in his eyes.

MC: I want to share with you all the good and bad, brilliant and lonely times.

MC: You can be imperfect, you can have lonely and dark moments because I will be with you.

MC: We share each other’s lives. No matter what life it is, as long as we experience it together, it is enough.

Those blue eyes staring at me seemed to be lit by some kind of warm light for a moment, filled with soft emotions.

I paused and asked him softly.

MC: I remember that every time you acted in a play, you would bid farewell to them at the end.

MC: You said that you were lucky to participate in a period of their lives and experienced their emotions.

MC: So in the end, you have to bid farewell to the partners you have been working with….

MC: Looking forward to another time and space, they will continue their lives.

MC: Did you say goodbye this time?

Kiro looked at me and suddenly reached out and wiped the oil stains on my lips.

The boiling of the hot pot sounded and there seemed to be some fragments of emotions in his eyes that had melted silently.

He paused, turned his head and raised the bear cup on the table. He raised it in the air, the emotions in his eyes were clear and calm.

Kiro: Americano is still too bitter, I prefer to drink soda.

Kiro: The hot pot made by Miss Chips is delicious. As long as you are with her, even the little things like walking your dog to the supermarket are worth remembering.

His gaze flickered over the neatly coded script on the sofa, and there was a sense of relief in his voice.

Kiro: What you didn’t find, I did.

Kiro: In the time and space I don’t know, you will definitely find what you want, and come back to shine on the stage again.

Kiro: Now, it’s time to say goodbye to you.

The starry sky is gentle, and the steam from the hot pot rises, almost like a response. The wind blows the curtains and the room is full of starlight. *Changed some wording*

We are both covered.

(Cut to the living room)

MC: What’s going on with Cello lately? She seems to be more irritable.

MC: Not only did she knock over the sunflower vase in the living room, but also bit her tail….

I pet Cello who was being held in Kiro’s arms and spoke tentatively.

It is said that the mood of pets will be influenced by the owner. Is Cello….?

Kiro looked away with a guilty conscience.

Kiro: Maybe it’s because the season makes everyone more irritable.

Kiro: [coughs] Just leave her be, save the sunflower first.

He found a new vase in the cabinet and handed it to me. I trimmed the sunflower’s branched and leaves that had been bitten by Cello.

Kiro sat cross-legged across from me and stared at me without blinking. I was a little embarrassed to be stared at.

MC: What are you looking at?

Kiro tilted his head at me and his blond hair swayed slightly. It was obviously a naughty action, but the smile in his eyes was very gentle.

Kiro: Of course I was looking at Miss Chips.

Kiro: Looking at your actions, expressions, the flower in your hand, and….

Kiro’s tone was stretched out and I followed his gaze to see the light-coloured hairband on the side of my head.

The soft end of the hairband slid down my neck and onto my skin.

MC: KI-RO!

I blushed for a moment and when I was hurriedly trying to retie my hairband, my hand was suddenly grabbed.

I looked up and under the frivolity of the sun, I didn’t know when Kiro got so close to me that I could see the creases on his lips.

His gaze fell on the end of my hair. He tucked the hairband lightly and winked at me.

Kiro: Miss Chips, let me help you.

Without waiting for my answer, he took a strand of my hair and maneuvered his hands dexterously, rubbing my earlobes with his fingertips which caused a burst of scorching heat.

The hairband is like a streamer that can be held in his hand, and he is the creator of beauty.

The mood is changing silently at this moment as we stay so close. *Changed some wording*

No matter how difficult the moments we encounter are, they will definitely be healed in the accompanying time.

After a while, Kiro held my face and looked at it with satisfaction.

Kiro: That’s it.

I reached up to touch the hairband and couldn’t help but smile. *Changed some wording*

MC: You even tied a small bow!

Kiro: Of course, this is the exclusive mark of Kiro.

Kiro picked up the end of the hairband and looked down at me tenderly. His blue eyes were like a vast and boundless sea and I willingly indulged in it.

(Cut to morning)

The morning light was in the room and the sound of the phone vibrating awakened me from my sleep. I picked up the phone and pressed the answer button.

MC: Kiki? What’s wrong?

Kiki: Boss, the project you flew abroad to talk about has passed!

Kiki: Anna received the letter of intent last night, and the person in charge there said that he hoped the date of the contract signing could be confirmed today.

Kiki: Where are you now? Come and visit the company!

MC: Okay, I’ll be there.

I hung up and turned my head, Kiro’s sleeping face came into view.

He seems to be having a good sleep and his lips are slightly upturned, he looks particularly meek. *Changed some wording*

MC: ….

It looks like he is still a little sick. *Changed some wording*

The lack of sleep made my brain work a little slow, so I shook my head in an attempt to wake myself up a bit.

Just as I was hesitating whether to go, Kiro woke up with a hint of sleepiness in his eyes. He was startled when he saw my neatly dressed look.

Kiro: [cute sleepy voice] Is something happening at the company?

(If you pick “No”)

Seeing Kiro’s still pale cheeks, I shook my head and smiled at him.

MC: Nothing, I was just talking to Kiki.

But Kiro looked at me and suddenly smiled.

Kiro: Miss Chips, you should go do more important things first.

Kiro: I will wait here for you to come back.

Seeing him look at me quietly, I nodded gently.

(If you pick “yes”)

I was conflicted for a moment and then nodded honestly.

MC: There is a little situation that needs to be dealt with, but….

Before I finished speaking, I saw Kiro stretch out lazily with a slight smile in his tone.

Kiro: I will wait for your return.

He looked no different from what I was familiar with. I hesitated for a moment and finally nodded gently.

[Memory Silhouette]

MC: Hahahahahaha! This episode is so funny!

I laughed so much that my cheeks hurt and I had to lean against Kiro’s arms. He opened his arms and caged me in them.

Kiro: Is the way I eat mustard so funny?

I lifted my head and looked at him as he asked me.

The sun was shining on us warmly through the French windows, Kiro’s milk fragrance also wrapped around the tip of my nose. I couldn’t help but squeeze his cheek with my hand.

MC: No, but I like it.

MC: Didn’t someone say that if there is a person who can keep you smiling, then he must be an important presence in your life.

MC: You make me laugh without even thinking about it, your existence turns cloudy days into sunny ones. *Changed some wording*

As if he had accepted my theory, Kiro no longer struggled with his expression about the variety show, so he clicked the button to continue playing.

Kiro: Okay, I agree with Miss Chips.

This variety show has Kiro as a guest appearance. When he participated in the show, he had not yet joined the cast to make a movie. The show was as bright as a little sun.

In the space between the advertisements, I quickly glanced sideways at the person next to me.

Over the past few days, I can feel his gradual relaxation.

It’s not that I’m always vigilant, telling myself that I have to be happy in front of him, but because when I’m with him, I can relax and smile.

I liked this relaxed and soft Kiro.

MC: But speaking of it, in this variety show, I see you in a way that I don’t usually see.

MC: Planting seedlings, bargaining with the owner of a small shop, and making mosquitos nests by yourself.

MC: So Kiro turned out to be a secret master of life?

MC: So when I was making homemade cranberry cupcakes, a certain superstar asked me to teach him how to beat the egg yolks?

After being questioned, Kiro gave a cheeky “um”.

Kiro: That’s because, in the cast, I need to play the image of SuperHero. This is my job.

Kiro: But in front of Miss Chips, I can be willful and not so perfect, can’t I? *Changed some wording*

He looked at me with a smile in his eyes, like an afternoon orange soda full of refreshing taste.

MC: You said that…. I can’t refute it.

Although I said that, I couldn’t help but laugh.

MC: But two people mixing the egg yolk batter together is always more interesting than doing it alone.

There was constant laughter on screen. I looked at Kiro who was always smiling on the screen and couldn’t help but lean into his arms.

His chin rested on my shoulder from behind and his warm breath brushed my neck.

It’s always a good time to need each other and be together. *Changed some wording*

MC: Next time, teach me how to make a mosquito net.

MC: Maybe in the future when we go on a trip, it will be useful.

Kiro: Okay, let’s make a big and beautiful mosquito net.

MC: Huh? Why does it have to be so big?

Kiro: It can be used as an open-air tent. If you watch the stars at night, you don’t have to worry about being bitten by bugs.

I couldn’t help being amused by Kiro’s serious tone.

MC: Okay, let’s do it together.

Time is moving slowly and quietly, walking forward with a lazy pace. The lazy rest is close to the not-so-perfect Kiro.

Put together a cupcake with a honey-flavoured centre. *Changed some wording*

[Chapter 5]

When I had walked halfway towards the company, I decided to pull out my phone and call Kiki.

MC: Kiki, there are some things on my end that I can’t get away from. You can help me with the people from the other company and change the meeting to a virtual one.

MC: The contract has been sorted out, I will send it to them later. You are responsible for monitoring the online meeting.

Kiki: Mhhm, okay. Sounds good, boss.

After temporarily solving the company’s problems, I returned to Kiro’s house.

In order to avoid disturbing Kiro, who might still be asleep, I opened the door very quietly.

But when I entered through the door, I saw Kiro sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back facing me.

Kiro: Cello, don’t move.

A cat’s tail came out from his side, swinging back and forth uncomfortably, but was caught by Kiro in the next second.

Kiro: A few days ago, I didn’t play with you, which made you unhappy with me.

He was talking to himself, then sighed slightly.

Kiro: From now on I will play with you every day, but you are not allowed to bite your tail.

Kiro: If you bite your tail bald again, I will confiscate your dried fish!

Hearing what he said, I couldn’t help but laugh.

Kiro turned around when he heard the sound and when I saw Cello resting in his arms, I opened my eyes wide.

MC: You made a small flower for her bald spot.

A small flower made of pink wool is tied around Cello’s tail, which was probably taken from Kiro’s clothes. It covered most of the bald spot.

Kiro: Miss Chips, why are you back so soon?

Kiro was a little taken back, but because of my presence, there was an unconcealed smile in his eyes.

As I walked to Kiro’s side, I creased my eyes and opened my mouth.

MC: Because the witty Miss Chips changed the meeting to an online one, if it is synchronized with the time abroad, it will not start until the evening.

Kiro touched his chin thoughtfully.

Kiro: In other words, before the meeting, you still have a lot of time alone with me.

MC: You can think of it like that.

Suddenly I saw the familiar sly smile in his eyes. I was stunned for a second as I realized something and then took a step back cautiously.

Kiro smiled innocently and brilliantly.

Kiro: Miss Chips can’t run away, you came back to me by “getting caught” by my net. *Changed some wording*

In the next second, he hugged my waist and his presence hit me overwhelmingly.

Cello jumped to the ground, licked her paws, and curiously tilted her head to look at everything in front of her.

Kiro led me to the sofa where I sat in his arms, my heartbeat still a little fast.

Kiro chuckled.

Kiro: Why does Miss Chips look like as if I’m going to do something bad?

His palm touched my bare back, arousing a shudder.

He looked down at me, but there was nothing else in his eyes other than like.

I think of his unusual moments these past few days and my heart can’t help but feel moved.

The next second, I reached out and hooked my arms around Kiro’s neck. Kiro looked at me in a daze.

MC: Kiro, all the things that happen to you, I want to be the first person to share them with you.

I paused.

MC: Just as happiness and sadness are all the flavours of life we must experience;

MC: I want to be together in those bleak moments that must be experienced.

MC: Because--friction generates heat.

MC: So next time if you feel empty, let me stay with you.

MC: Let me fill your time.

Kiro’s eyes seemed to have a small sparkle of light in them after hearing my words.

After a while, I was pulled by Kiro and fell back into his arms.

Following his movements, my bag fell to the ground and a clear sound rang out. Kiro turned his head and glanced, leaning over and picking up a lipstick.

I reached out to take the lipstick, but Kiro grabbed my wrist.

He looked at me and suddenly put some on his lips slowly.

In the small and charming space, all his movements seemed to be slow and carefully planned, which made me suddenly think of the fragments I saw in the lens.

Kiro: While eating hot pot, Miss Chips said that she regretted not being able to see my exclusive performance.

He paused for a moment and gave a grin.

Kiro: Well now you can.

He raised his hand and the hot red in his palm brushed my hair and then letting it fall onto my back, bringing the smell of spices.

It’s like a light kiss.

I stiffened for a moment, only to feel that the spot touched by him was burning like fire, making me want to get closer.

MC: Kiro….

I muttered Kiro’s name softly. As if receiving some kind of response, he suddenly took my hand.

Then he lowered his head slightly and pressed his warm lips to my wrist.

Kiro: I’m here.

There was a warm touch from his skin and Kiro’s lips were still pressed against my wrist, but he lifted his eyes to look at me.

I blushed suddenly and wanted to lower my head and look away. The next second, I was firmly grasped with his other hand.

He held my hand and guided my fingertips past his lips.

His look was seductive, like a fairy falling into the world, unknowingly attracting me.

But perhaps, he knew it.

Kiro: Now I am sure that you have filled the most precious time in my world.

His blue eyes are as gentle as the sea and there is only a small me inside of them.

He looked at me and got closer, hot breath fell on the side of my neck accompanied by a soft voice.

Kiro: In fact, there have always been many temptations and difficulties on the way to becoming an actor.

Kiro: It’s a small boat called “Kiro”, sailing on the waves of the world. He often encounters danger, gets injured, and breaks.

The soft touch lingers from the side of my neck to my earlobe, and the breathy whispers fall on my ears very affectionately.

Kiro: But this one person, she found the boat on the boundless sea and repaired his damages.

Kiro: She then stayed on the boat and sailed the world with him to see glaciers and lakes.

Kiro: This person is called Miss Chips, and she is-- the beacon that guides me through the world.

His voice is like falling petals; quiet and soft with the ultimate sincerity. *Changed some wording*

Kiro: In the play, Kiro’s emotions belong to the stage.

Kiro: But Kiro outside the play, his world, everything about him belongs to you.

The scorching temperature left my neck and he looked at me earnestly with undisguised emotions in his eyes, like the surging ocean tides.

I couldn’t help but hug his neck back.

MC: Kiro, you made me the best Miss Chips in the world.

MC: Let’s go to farther places together, see glacial lakes, and sail the world together….

MC: Nothing can make me leave your side.

The sunflower grows enthusiastically and his golden hair is soft and brilliant. The world is flourishing and beautiful, just like himself.

If I were Kiro’s beacon for sailing the world, then let me be that tower that illuminates him.

Because-- he is also the most indispensable part of my world.

End

#mlqc #mlqc spoilers #mr love queens choice #mr love #mr love game #mr love dream date #mldd #mr love kiro #mlqc kiro #mldd kiro #周棋洛 #date translation #IM SO PROUD OF MC!!

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sylverstorms · 4 years ago

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Cassandra Dimitrescu x Maiden ----Valiant

The tavern is lively in the evening.

A fact you are endlessly grateful for. It provides an imperfect little sanctuary to drown out the mad howling from the outside.

The shrill sound is nothing new, nor out of the ordinary for you; it has been with you your entire life. Ever since you were a child, you remember the fear it instilled and the nights it kept you awake, shivering in terror underneath the covers of your bed. You remember the stories your mother told you about the monsters lurking in the darkness of the forest… even more so now that her warnings and tales are all you have of her.

Perhaps that subconscious terror is the very reason which had you seeking work at the inn.

You could do literally anything else in the village than tolerate the half-mad grouch that is the owner –he never even pays on time— yet you are still here. Possibly to escape the cold walls of your empty house at night. Possibly to avoid being alone with the howls and the padding right out your door. You don’t know how the other villagers do it. They’re either braver, denser or crazier than you give them credit for.

As for yourself, you know for a fact you are not as strong as other people think you are. Maybe it is your sturdy build that tricks them, or the killer glare you’ve perfected over the years of putting up with the town’s shit. Whatever the case, you are in no hurry to debunk the lie, even while you recognize it for what it is.

A distant howl threatens to crack the cocoon of safety you’ve convinced yourself you’re tucked into, so you focus on the drunken chatter and the bard’s soft music a tad harder. It’s just the wind. Just the wind out there. Your knuckles are white around the bear glass you’re in the process of cleaning.

And then something strange catches your eye.

At a shadowed, quiet corner of the tavern, a shopkeeper is speaking to a hooded woman. The scene would not be anything out of the ordinary… only, you know just about every individual in this damned village –it comes with the job— yet you do not recognize her.

And you’d remember that tight, lithe figure, that is for certain.

There aren’t many girls in the village who can make plain black robes look like an article right out of a fashion magazine. So, yes, she is the first thing your mind settles on. But your attention quickly shifts to the person she’s talking to. The man has had far too much wine to drink –you’d know, you served it— and he’s not exactly the type you’d trust being inebriated around women. Already, he’s looking at her like a starved beast salivating over a freshly cut steak.

Your hazel eyes narrow at his direction.

“I will ask you for the final time. Do you have what I ordered for my mother?” the girl asks, her silvery voice curling slowly around every word, as if she’s talking to a toddler or a fool. It’s as funny as it is cute, but you can’t let yourself smile just yet. Something in his gaze takes all the mirth out of the situation for you.

Instinctively, you’ve moved closer.

“I have it. Yes, of course. Come with me an’ I’ll give it to you.” There is a very obvious slur to his words that inspires no confidence.

You want to shout when the girl so very easily follows him outside.

There are too many things wrong with that thought. Her, possibly new to the village, alone with a lecher like him. Her, unprotected, out in the dark, where every soul in this cursed place knows not to be.

Suddenly, you’re hyperventilating and you don’t know why. You don’t know her and her wellbeing is none of your concern. Everyone in the town is out for themselves, that part was made abundantly clear to you a long time ago. There is no room for compassion, especially at night. She made a bad decision and the consequences are her own to deal with.

You are not a heroine to follow her out and save her from the wolves and the man’s intentions and the rumored monsters. You are not that good of a person. You know it like you know the sky is blue; you are not that brave.

But you must be stupid.

You must be, because it’s not a minute later that you hurry out the back door, as well. It’s difficult to see anything in the dead of night, but you manage to spot the pair on the side of the building. The shopkeeper is now leaning too close to her, a drunken grin to his lips as he reaches out to grab at her chest. The girl’s hand flies to her hip, the handle of a weapon visible there just under the shadows—

Your fist is faster.

It cracks straight against the man’s jaw in a sound that shouldn’t be so satisfying but it is. His head knocks against the wall and he falls backwards like a pushed domino. Howls echo in the distance but the sound of your heart is too loud in your ears to register them.

You turn to the girl to make sure she’s alright –to see her with a gleaming sickle in hand, hovering awkwardly mid-air. At least she had a weapon with her. Yet it’s not so much the blade as her face that captures your attention.

She is beautiful. All delicate features befitting a princess, curved nose and cupid lips and a small chin. Her brown hair looks silken-soft as it runs down the sides of her angelic face… but you haven’t heard of any angels with an umbral, rose-like tattoo on their foreheads.

You have heard of beings bearing such markings that you’d be smart to avoid.

The contrast between the attraction you feel and the danger you should feel leaves you hanging there, still and mute. She is the first to move, hooking her sickle back to her belt in a motion far too dexterous not to ring some alarm bells in the back of your head.

“Well.” she says. “Looks like I’ve been rescued.” she doesn’t sound rescued. “Unnecessary… but sweet of you.” If her smile wasn’t so pretty maybe you would have already started running indoors.

“N-no problem.” you say as you’re beginning to regret all your life choices.

Her eyes flash down to your neck, then back up to yours. You don’t see her move, but her hand is suddenly on your bicep, just above the curve of your elbow. You can feel the chill of her skin through your clothes. “Relax. You’ll have a heart attack.”

Easy for her to say.

A quiet moment passes between you, during which you are all too aware of the fact your back is now pressed against the wall and she’s in front of you. Then, “Is it the howling…?” she asks. You’re half-lying when you nod. “Don’t worry about it. I can’t very well let my valiant protector get eaten, now, can I?”

It’s meant as a joke, but your heart constricts further in your chest. Images you’d like to avoid thinking about come to mind. How casually did she say the word ‘eaten’, though…?

“I’m –not really any of those things.” You shake your head. “What did you need from this guy?”

Conversation is probably good, you muse. It helps with your nerves and it keeps her occupied. Plus, she’s kind of really cute, the way her voice so perfectly matches her face. You can’t help but add that to the list of reasons.

A pout crosses her balmy lips. The moonlight that caresses her face makes them glitter. “I wanted a surprise gift for my mother. My order should have arrived by now –so maybe I don’t need him, after all.” Maybe I don’t need him alive is what she doesn’t say but strongly imply.

“No, no! I can get it for you!” you say the second she makes to move towards the unconscious shopkeeper.

A soft, airy chuckle leaves her lips. “Didn’t you say you aren’t a valiant protector?”

“Words I stand by. But there’s been enough loss in the village as it is.” you somehow find the courage to reply. “I’ll get it from him tomorrow—”

“So, that’s where you are.” Another female voice chimes in, this one several tones darker than firmer than the brunette’s. The figure that looms in the darkness wears a similar attire, but she feels more ominous than the one in front of you. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” she says, stern, like an older sister you don’t want to ever cross.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m coming.” The brunette waves with her free hand. The one that’s not still on your arm. She turns back to you, her expression sweet amusement once more. “Be home tomorrow night and have my order with you, yes?” You can imagine it’s impossible for anyone to say ‘no’ to her when she bats her lashes like that.

You also don’t want to imagine what will happen if you refuse.

“Uh— Yeah.”

She beams. She downright beams. “Excellent!” She steps away and you take a much-needed breath…

But then she seems to think twice about it and slips right back into your space. Dainty fingers catch your chin, deceptively strong. Cool, soft lips land on your warmed cheek. She smells good, is all you can think about while she’s that close. Like the cold and roses and faint undertones of something metallic.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” she purrs.

The edge of her hood brushes your forehead and she’s out of reach before you can even blink. She waves at you from her sister’s side, who looks none too pleased with any of this.

And then— she blends into the dark and you finally register how cold it is outside.

Ko-Fi

#Cassandra Dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu's daughters #lady dimitrescu's daughters x oc #lady dimitrescu #tall vampire lady #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #fanfiction

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ginkgomoon · 4 years ago

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Helios- A Character Study

I have always been fascinated by Helios so I’m especially excited about this post! If there’s any other additional information you would like to add, ask, or discuss, feel free to send an ask or a post so I can adjust and clarify for you. But before that, I have other things I want to add that are important regarding my blog- I will be expanding and analysing other characters in MLQC, so not to worry Victor, Kiro and Lucien (and Shaw, Eli?, Savin?) stans! I has't not hath left thee! In addition, before every analysis/study that I do, I will post a hint (such a quote) that will foreshadow the upcoming character/topic I will be covering. I know it’s not necessary and literally nobody does it but this is great fun for me so I also want to try to make it fun for you guys to approach my blog and my work! This is a spoiler buffet. Please don’t read if you don’t want to be spoiled! This is probably the longest post ever on my blog so enjoy :)

“You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.” -The Dark Knight

Who is Helios?

??: Do you know what Helios means? The mocking in his face had returned. He suddenly came close and placed his hand on the window behind me. I was imprisoned in his arms and couldn’t move. His eyes drilled into my own. I felt that if I showed even the smallest hint of discomfort or fear, he would use that as an excuse to push me away. MC: Helios is the sun god from Greek mythology- ??: I don’t like that name.

Helios is the God of the Sun, sight and a guardian of oaths. He is seen to be riding a golden chariot to bring the sun across the skies each day from east (where the sun rises) to west (where the sun sets).

Kiro has lots and lots and lots of sun, light, dark and shadow imagery attached to him. Kiro is noted to be everyone’s sun, especially for MC and vice versa as she’s noted to be the one to chase the darkness away with Kiro following through. When he has those stage moments as his idol identity, it’s expected for him to be the guiding light (especially for his fans, the Kirophiles)- “the sun” and “hope” as to what “Kiro” represents, without any impurities associated with that persona. Which is ironic for Helios, who dressed mostly in black without the blonde hair, to have that same name as the God of the Sun working in BLACK SWAN- the organisation with the name literally having “black” in it as well.

“If Kiro is this exuberance and this life, Helios is the opposite of that. It’s what if we took someone who stopped finding reasons to be happy, who stopped finding a lot of things to be passionate about and was just trying to get on day by day- they react to the things that happen to them, rather than going out to look for adventure. Helios lacks a lot of emotion that Kiro has.” -Sean Chiplock, Kiro’s VA

Kiro and Helios

“If I had a dark side… I should hide it from others, right…? Can I really be imperfect?”

There had been a lot of discussion around Helios in relation to his transformation, whether he was acting and what Kiro’s connection with BLACK SWAN is.

To clarify, yes- Kiro is Helios. Helios is Kiro. Just like how Kiro admitted to MC that he’s also the hacker KEY. Helios is just one of the personas that Kiro has (which I will expand on in a future post). This, however, does not hinder negatively on Kiro’s personality, but introduces us to another side of him, one that shows effective in-depth characterisation. Especially when we first view him as the cheerful idol with the power to passively attract others. Kiro first gave off the certain impression to Sean Chiplock that you “don’t take off the calm and quiet person, because you don’t want to see the other side of them”.

Kiro and Helios, which one was the real him? Neither? Or both? -Clinic Date

Before MC has her first encounter with Helios, we have to look more into Kiro’s background and childhood.

Kiro was experimented on as a kid. He didn’t know his name, his birthday or where he came from. Through the experiments of genetic modification, he obtained his evol. Only when MC and the original KEY came to him, did he really strive to fulfil his sense of purpose of “we shall stand in darkness as we defend the light”, and also to protect MC back. His mentor used to be the original Helios, one of the twelve-ranking positions in BLACK SWAN, but went missing when Kiro was 15. Been given the name Kiro, using his idol identity, accepted this as Helios and as of the leader of BLACK SWAN to rid Leto- the true evil of the Season 1 timeline.

It is evident that he does genuinely care about his fans, his career and music despite all of this. This aspect of him is very much true (we see that he exposes a person scamming his fans in Chapter 3 and that in his various dates he dedicates his work to comforting his fans in their everyday lives). However, with this much love and support from everyone with very few knowing his true intentions and darker past, it is easy to “trip up” upon these identities, in a way that he would feel so lonely (as I reiterate what I said above) that everyone would think he’s the perfect man (not saying he isn’t because we all know he is!) without any troubles or experiencing difficulties climbing up the ranks to be where he is now- especially with his evol being charm and control. He would wonder if it’s really him or his evol making people act this way towards him (why he has this much love and attention).

In reality, every teacher who has met him adored him very much. But because of this, Kiro always remained in fear. From the beginning to the end, he had felt that the love and care from others was akin to smoke - surging at first, but from thereafter, dissipates gradually. -CN Stunning Young Idol Rumours and Secrets

He’s like a little sun with no dark spots at all. No wonder people say people say he has a super power. He seems to be loved by everybody… -Chapter 3-1

“A lot of people adore me, but only when I’m doing my thing on stage. They wouldn’t want to see me now...” -Visiting Hours Date

It would be incredibly hard for him to keep this standard and uphold these burdens with his identity as Helios and KEY as well- where everyone would believe those personas of him to be the “vice”- the “evil”, in morality play. Because when the people who love you only know and love this side of you, what becomes of you when you lose it all?

Superstar Kiro was a little angel who received the admiration and respect of thousands and thousands of fans. What the hacker KEY sounded like was someone with malicious intentions.

Kiro didn’t know which one of his identities was more famous. Though of course, nobody would correlate these two polar-opposite identities together. -CN Heavens Home for Children Rumours and Secrets

He always looked so carefree in front of people, smiling and laughing. But when he was alone in the corner, he always looked so solemn and tired. Countless times, Savin had wanted to talk to Kiro about his work, life and feelings but with just a few words, Kiro would always put him to ease. -That Boy Makes Me Worry Rumours and Secrets

However, behind his brilliant smile, I could occasionally feel something different. It was like paper that couldn't be penetrated. After all, he was a superstar. Ordinary people like us wouldn't understand their world, they must have one or two faces of their own behind the screen. -Secret Base Rumours and Secrets

In the makeup room, sitting on the sofa, Kiro had lost some shine he had under the spotlight and looked a little bit exhausted. -Confession Date

In a way, Kiro still staying so pure and happy when others are around is because he doesn’t want people to suffer like he did. He had an extremely rough time when he was young, but his beliefs, light and hope that MC gave him allowed him to fight for better days.

I then thought about the superstar Kiro many years later, who was always shining and effortlessly charming. This made me really sentimental. How many things must he have been through to become strong enough to bring light to other people? -Echoes of Time: Parisian Salon

She looked so pretty when she smiled, and she also had a father who loved her dearly. She was definitely… someone who deserved to live the most. -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

His dazzling smile conceals something underneath, just like how the dazzling sun shrouds darkness underneath. Hidden in the depths of his own secrets are things even darkness doesn’t know of. If darkness had a mind of its own, it might think it doesn’t fit with this pure and simple youth. Just as how everyone thinks of him as a simple, innocent Kiro, the sunlight casted on him, able to pierce through him completely, with rays of light refracting onto the floor. Actually, since a very long time ago, he no longer was a youth… But now, for her sake, he’s willing to become a youth again. -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

The thing I like most about you is that you never admit defeat and you always stay positive. Every time I see you it's like you’re this brilliant sun and I feel charged of energy. Maybe all the lonely times I’ve been through... was so that I could meet you. -Confession Date

When they were younger, they were together as test subjects for evol. MC promised him donuts. He gave her a stuffed teddy bear. Kiro tried to help MC escape but they got caught and separated. They had spent quite some time together, so Kiro would be able to recognise MC once they had met again. Kiro had to replace another child for a top experiment, and the workers thought he’d die anyway as he was too weak. But still, he had survived and became the first and only successful subject. MC showed him that there was kindness- light- that still existed in the darkest of places. And in the darkest parts of his heart, there was MC to light those areas up for him :)

“Look, this world is so beautiful, and you don’t need to be afraid anymore.” But till now, he has yet to find her. But he remembers her eyes. And one day, he will find her within a vast sea of people.

Kiro remains speechless- quietly listening to the little girl speak. The little girl struggles to pull on his hand. Their fingers interlock together, the warmth from her palm gradually coursing into Kiro’s heart. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll protect you.” Kiro turns to look at her - to look at her perseverant brown eyes, looking at how the corners of her lips turn upwards. Kiro slowly learns how to curl the corners of his own lips from her. It’s the first smile to have appeared on his face. “This time, I’ll be the one protecting you.” Kiro says excitedly. He stands outside the airport, staring directly at the sun. “I’ll find you, and protect you. I even have a mountain of souvenirs stored in my luggage- I’ll give them to you! And my purest heart - I’ll give it to you too!” -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

Helio’s Transformation

“Because only you can awaken me from darkness, no matter when.”

When Kiro transforms to Helios, it mainly affects his physical appearance. His hair grows longer and changes to colour, and his black (and super cool) NIRVANA tattoo appears. When he is weak, the tattoo fades (seen in Clinic Date.)

Nirvana- a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.

I looked at his silver hair. It looked very natural with no signs of hair dye. In the serene moonlight, it was very beautiful. It wasn’t dyed, and it didn’t look like it turned silver because of an illness or something. -Chapter 17

Helios’s ring also plays part of his transformation. This is ultimately connected to BLACK CABIN and the 1908′s White House Explosion- when evol was born. From this high-dimensional space, Kiro is able to take on as Helios- who also known to be BS’s first generation of god. He can change upon his will, and influences from BLACK CABIN/QUEEN can cause him to lose control.

The golden hair mixed with the bright silver. He raised his finger, and the silver ring flashed. He muttered quietly, as if speaking to the ring and to himself. -Behind The Curtain Part 6: After Returning

Moonlight shone through the window, illuminating his silver hair with a golden glow for an instant. He buried his face in his right elbow, and large beads of sweat formed on his brow, as if a kind of uncanny transformation was occurring. “NOT NOW!!!” He howled hoarsely, his eyes now golden in the darkness. Residual power inside the Quarantine zone appeared to be affecting him. Violent forces jolted in the tiny space, and coursed through his obsidian ring. -Night Watchman Rumours and Secrets

Chapter 14

He turned and looked at me, his face a pallid white. His smile was still gentle. Suddenly, I felt intensely uneasy.

MC: “We’re going in, right?”

Kiro didn’t answer, his eyes intent on me gleamed with a flash of golden light above. When I looked carefully, I discovered his eyes turned into this exquisite gold like pure amber, or crystallised time.

Kiro: “I command you…”

I have never heard him sound like this before. Stiff, stern and solemn.

“All within my range of control belongs to me. Now walk onto the rooftop, lock the door, and don’t let anyone in… including me... Don’t be afraid. You’ll be okay. I said before, I will definitely succeed this time. I will always protect you.”

In saying this, he believes that his own sacrifices are necessary, no matter what the situation is. Kiro is willing to dim or even smother his own light and sun for MC to be safe and happy.

A black figure suspended in the air behind Kiro, just like scythe-toting Death himself… I seemed to see a golden-winged bird fly by, like a ray of light crossing the sky, leaving a temporary light trail in my vision.

“Death”, “golden-winged bird”, and “light”.

This sentence was highlighted in the chapters’ outline from the chapter contents. This implies the symbolism of the phoenix bird- the mythical bird that rises from the ashes and is reborn again. Kiro was captured by BLACK SWAN as punishment and had undergone modification- and was resurrected as Helios.

Chapter 17

He was standing in front of me. Half of his face was hidden in the shadows, but I could see the sharpness of his eyes and eyebrows. He took the notebook away from my hands before I could finish my sentence.

As MC gets tied to the table, flashbacks from suppressed memories emerge. We see Kiro and MC together being test subjects. (Fun fact- Kiro and MC’s blood type is O!)

White walls. A deserted lab. A cold med table. And a blond boy with agony in his face. Next to him lay a brown-haired girl who was unconscious. …Was that me? I looked at the blood pouring out from the IV. Tears came from my eyes. Kiro… Our lives were connected long before. But where are you now?

She finally realises that Kiro was that boy from the orphanage.

AND I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. HAS HELIOS NEVER OUTRIGHTLY ADMIT THAT HE’S NOT KIRO? LIKE HE NEVER SAID “NO”??

MC: Are you really not Kiro?

??: How long are you going to keep calling me by that wrong name?

(Yes, it’s technically the wrong name because right now he’s called Helios but he’s also technically still Kiro!)

He didn’t sound particularly annoyed, but I felt saddened.

MC: I…

I looked at his face. Every line, feature- they resembled Kiro, but at the same time wasn’t.

MC: I’m sorry… I must be wrong…

I hung my head low. His face may resemble him, but his expressions were so unlike Kiro and I didn’t want to see that.

But my intuition told me that my hunch was not wrong. If that was correct, then one of my paths was already sealed.

Helios: What makes you think that I wouldn’t? You already know where I’m from. Why are you being so naïve? I shook my head. MC: Kiro wouldn’t do this to me… An unknown emotion flashed in his eyes.

Poor Kiro, having to pretend to not know MC and act so cold towards her. It must have been incredibly hard and painful for the both of them. Please just LET THEM BE TOGETHER.

Kiro isn’t risking MC see this darker side of him. He truly doubted if anybody would accept him as Helios, because he was just so used it before as an idol having to act so perfect on screen, showing everybody what they wanted to see.

“MC. Step a meter away from him, and close your eyes.

The golden flashes in his pupils were the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes.

“I command you to forget what just happened. And I command you to forget about me. Remember, I’m just Helios.”

My memories were being erased bit by bit. Kiro was fading from my sight. His smiles, his eyes, his warmth… all of them became vague like a fog and disappeared. I tried my best to hold onto them, but it was all in useless.

Kiro… Even the name I tried to hold on till last was wrenched away from me. He watched silently as MC closed her eyes and blacked out in his arms.

“I’m sorry…”

He apologised again quietly. His eyes that once held warmth and brightness were again now filled with shadows.

“I will find the truth that you’re looking for. I don’t want you to bear that heavy burden. I’ll come back to you some day, but not today. Don’t remember my dark sides. In your eyes, I will always remain Kiro to you. After I take care of everything, things can go back the way they were between us. This time, I’ll make sure that you don’t have to wait long.”

“He looked a lot like Kiro. But it wasn’t him.”

In my palm was a small candy glistening in the sunlight. On impulse I unwrapped the paper and put it in my mouth.

MC: Apple flavour…

It somehow crossed my mind that it was Kiro’s type of flavour.

He wants MC to still have faith in him, and to trust in his abilities to protect her, as the candy is a motif for their relationship and exchange towards each other. (This was the same back in the orphanage when they were together too.) However, as his identity as Kiro, not the Helios she encountered. (Dramatic ironyyyy)

“We shall stand in darkness as we defend the light.”

Thorns Date

In the photo, Kiro looked completely different from what he usually looked like. On the glistening water, a youth held a birdcage, with a glint of melancholy in his drooping eyes. This was the last set of photos before quitting.

Kiro asked for my praise with shiny begging eyes, as if the prior sorrow and blue were all my illusions.

We stood very close to each other, yet at this moment, I felt there was a formed gap between us.

“MC, do you think the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?”

There seemed to be a ray of golden light flashing through my mind but I couldn't catch it. (The thought that Helios came to see her?? Yes.)

I remember his distance, his apathy, yet puzzling familiarly.

Helios saw the magazine falling from my bag, his face flashing with complicated emotions I couldn’t comprehend. And I felt the familiar feeling of being touched deep in my soul.

“You like gazing at me a lot.”

Standing at the edge of the dark abyss, he opened his arms and leaned backward without hesitation. He fell straightly like a folded winged bird in the moment. (Similes, metaphors and symbolism galore!)

I sat on the ground limply and closed my eyes to avoid the dazzling light. This scene felt so familiar as I had experienced such a farewell.. Why?

My senses told me this man was Helios, yet the feelings from deep of my heart were so real.

“Helios! Do you… know how the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?”

“Why do you think I will answer this question?” Behind such eyes, there seemed to be something else I couldn’t make out in the shadow.

I seemed to see him unfold a pair of black wings on his back and about to flutter away. No more cages could imprison him and nothing could make him stop. Helios walked from the bright light into the shadow.

He recalled her last question and her sad and confused eyes. Suddenly he recalled an ancient story. There was a kind of bird. It was always trapped in the thorns of fate from the moment of its birth. If the most beautiful thing was doomed to be exchanged with the deepest pain. He would overcome all obstacles to come back to her. And be her sun again.

The story that Helios recalled could be The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen.

In Ancient China, one of the forests lived a nightingale, who sang so beautifully everybody would stop and listen. The nightingale was renowned to be the best wonder out of all the things that the travellers abroad had ever seen. However, the Emperor of China didn’t know that such a bird existed, and demand to have it found.

The bird had come willingly to sing for the Emperor, singing so sweetly that tears came out of everybody’s eyes. The nightingale lived in the court thereafter, until one day the Emperor had received a mechanical copy of the bird, golden with precious gems and all. The nightingale had left, and all the courtiers had said that it was an ungrateful creature. It was therefore banished from the empire.

The mechanical bird had stopped working, only being able to play once every year. Five years had passed, and the Emperor fell ill that nobody expected him to live. Death had arrived to the Emperor as he prayed for the bird to sing a note. The living nightingale had appeared again, and had come to sing out of trust and hope for the Emperor. Death went to look at the Emperor’s renowned garden as the Emperor was thankful for the bird’s singing. She sang again, and the sun rose through the window and as everybody thought the Emperor had passed. The Emperor wanted the nightingale to stay by his side but it refused. It cannot live in the palace, but promised to visit the Emperor to sing to him.

Similar to Chapter 14, in this date, Kiro is represented as the bird, trapped in the cage. He had to release what everyone wanted him to be- Kiro, the shining sun/bird trapped in the cage under their control- ironic how his evol is absolute control because his charm would have drawn people this way in as a result. And the only way to be free was to be resurrected, to escape, to disappear from public view- to become free as Helios.

Light Pursuit Date

“Will you forget me?”

Kiro was becoming faint like a water mist. Panicking, I reached out to grab him but he slipped away from my fingers. An invisible wall had come between us and I couldn’t get close to him. This one step was like an unbridgeable gap between us, but it was like a line that we could never cross.

Will I forget Kiro? That sudden question in my head became clearer, and made me tremble in panic.

He had the name of a sun god, but even I couldn’t feel any bit of warmth.

MC: What is Helios here for?

Helios: We meet again, MC.

This was the first time that Helios called me by my name. He was brusque as ever, but there seemed to be a small amount of yearning in his voice. He did not act the way like the Helios that I used to know. His attitude and manners were surprisingly refined… like he was acting out a whole different persona.

The music changed into Por Una Cabeza- the tango song that I was very familiar with.

(I absolutely love the intertextuality that the game has. It’s a Spanish tango song that was also appeared in Scent of a Woman starring Al Pacino where the tango scene featured a blind man dancing with a woman who didn’t know how to dance and was scared of making mistakes. This correlates perfectly for MC and Helios. MC’s body is reacting to Helios as if he was Kiro...)

I didn’t drink, but I felt drunk somehow. Otherwise how else would this reachable warmth and illusion of intimacy familiar?

We were so close to each other, but the distance between us was only one step away, but a step we could never cross.

Helios looked up when he heard my voice. His eyes seemed to have trouble focusing. His blue eyes wavered like a lake sprinkling with sunlight. Surprisingly, there was sorrow, and naivety in those usually unfeeling eyes.

He lowered his head and his chin rested on my shoulder. I have never seen Helios so vulnerable. His hands were wrapped around my waist, leaving no space between us. Helios didn’t answer and continued to keep me pressed to his body. There was a deep aura of loneliness and bitterness about him that was barely discernible from his cold exterior.

Because to me, you were familiar to someone I deeply care about. Because my soul resonates when I am close to you. Because…. of a ridiculous assumption. Did I reach the edge of truth? Or was I just deceiving myself? A thick fog was obscuring me from seeing the truth clearly. I didn’t continue talking or thinking. MaybeI was so vaguely aware that this was the closest I could get to him. Only one step away but a distance I could never close.

MC is also scared. She’s in turmoil. She wants to know the truth but she’s also sitting on the fence with it. Especially due to the memory wipe. It’s like, “maybe it’s better if I don’t,” and “I think you are that someone I care so much about but I can’t be sure about it because even if I ask you, you won’t tell me, and I don’t know what to do.”

Stardust Date

Kiro: That’s right. I’m going to a far, far place. And I will stay there for a very long, long time. Don’t cry when you start missing me. MC: I’m not going to cry!

Kiro: But I will. So promise me, alright? Don’t forget me, even if I leave.

Two days afterwards, I heard him talk to someone on the phone. I’m pretty sure it was his voice, but it sounded like he was a completely different person.

What was he trying to hide? Did it have anything to do with his “leaving”? Was it out of his own will or was he involved in something under duress?

The confident smile on his face as he glided his fingers across the keys fluently, showed his passion for this show. As songs were played after another, he became more focused. I could tell from his expression that he was fully immersed in this performance. As long as he was given a stage and music, he’d become the centre of attention no matter what position he was in. However, the more passion I saw, the more I was scared for his “leaving”. He is the sun- what will happen to his supporters when they lose him? And what about me? What will happen to me?

Light and Shadow Phone Call

MC: Is that melancholy in your voice? It’s unlike you to be down like this.

Kiro: Really? Does everyone think I’m that shallow?

MC: Of course not. But you are the brightest and warmest sun, so it’s easy to be touched by your optimistic side first.

Kiro: But right now, the sunlight is getting too strong that it’s scorching…

MC: Hmm? Is it? right now it’s sunset where you are?

Kiro: Yes. I’m sitting atop of Namibia’s Dune 45 and everything is red. Even the sun is sinking low.

MC: Soon, it will sink beyond the horizon.

Kiro: Yes… Miss Chips, Since you say I’m like the sun, and the sun eventually sets...

Kiro: If I have a dark side, I should hide it from others, right?

MC: Why should you hide it?

Kiro: Because, I don’t want to show you and I don’t want to disappoint others.

MC: But you’re just you, Kiro.

Kiro: I am who I am?

MC: Yes. Why can’t a sun have shadows? Even the real sun has sunspots! People who really care for you will love both the warm sunny side and the occasional dark, depressed side.

Kiro: But I always feel...

MC: Everyone has a side they want to hide in the shadows. No one is expected to be required as perfect. That applies to my little sun as well.

Kiro: Can I really be imperfect?

MC: Absolutely. To me, all sides of you are worth cherishing.

Kiro: Thank you, MC.

MC: What’s there to thank?

Kiro: Because… only you are willing to see the weak and plain side that I’m hiding and accept both my light and my shadow.

MC: That’s why I’m your own personal tree hole! I’ll keep your sorrows tucked away for you!

Kiro: Thank you Miss Tree Hole. I’m so lucky to have you. In fact, you are my sun who gives me light to embrace the world every morning. Thank you, for always being there by my side.

This call is so significant for Kiro, and his battle between light and dark. After his evol went out of control, he’s afraid of hurting his fans and MC. Similes and metaphors are used to compare his evol/different personas as the sun and how it will soon go down. He confronts the truth that he will also have to leave the public view soon, and uses this opportunity of the call to confirm what MC thinks if he had imperfections/shadow sides. And of course, to thank her before he leaves.

Chapter 21 (Winter World)

He was so fast that his moves were a blur. He dodged every attack and landed his own with grace and strength. It was like watching a silver moonlight dancing in flowing moves.

“You seem to be completely ignorant about how weak you are.”

I was trapped in a little cage he made with his body against the wall. The cruelty in his face crumbled the last of my shields. he didn’t stop there. He leaned in with his whole body hemming me into the confined space he created.

Helios: Weaklings should learn to survive on their own. No one will teach you that.

MC: I don’t want to be a weakling forever.

Helios: Then you better figure out how to become stronger.

He dropped his sarcastic tone. Instead, each syllable fell from his mouth with upmost earnestness.

Helios: Use all your strength. Every method you can think of. Abandon your past...even abandon yourself. If you can’t do that, then just go back tot the world you came from.

1562 clutched tightly on his friend’s blanket, refusing to let go. However, in the end, he was shoved onto the ground because his strength was too weak. He had collided so hard that he couldn’t get up for a long while. -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

If MC hadn’t come, then there would be no real sun in his life. He would only have artificial light. And he would be right- Helios would be just Helios. He wouldn’t bother much about fans or music, but using this identity to climb the system. He had to learn the hard way on how to survive. Nobody was there for him, thus it would be harder for him to feel empathy towards others in situations other than this.

The sun had risen completely. The increasing bright light drowned everything that belonged in the darkness. Helios remembered that day a long time ago. In the darkness, the withered hand touched his head and said faintly, “become Kiro, be the so-called “sun”.

At that time, he had lowered his eyes, nodded blankly, and simply walked out into the night, emitting a false light that was not his own. But today… Helios looked off into the distance, and seeing the dazzling morning light, he remembered the girl… At that moment, he saw the real sun. -Between Light and Darkness Rumours and Secrets

From “Behind The Curtain”, MC fell into the space-time gap and was saved by Helios. Even though he couldn’t see her as they were in different dimensions, she could be influenced by him. This wasn’t the first time that he’s tugged on that bond tying them together to BLACK CABIN. Thank you Helios also for helping bring MC back to her original world.

Chapter 28

Kiro: You should know about everything that I’ve done.

MC: I know that... you’re Helios.

Kiro’s eyes flickered and blinked at me. The golden hair under the now eclipsed sunlight seem to have an extra glow to it. Kiro: Is my name really that important?

MC: Why did you hide it from me? I trusted that you would tell me. That no matter what name you had, you really wouldn’t change...

Kiro: If a superhero were to turn into an arch-villain, would those who always believed in him lose hope? What he want most is for you to be a fairy, free of all cares. Not getting hurt, not getting worries, whose only responsibility is receiving signals and joy and happiness.

Kiro: However, if she is determined to go do something difficult, and she wants to bear this burden on her own... then I wish for her to be a little superhero, who can fly through it all with ease.

Chapter 29

“Don’t get all angry. The person beside you didn't even notice any difference between us. Or put it another way, it seems that “you” aren’t important in this role that you’re playing. Anybody can replace you.” -Anole

Anole is wrong (and just jealous). MC did notice, and plus, he probably wouldn’t have survived in the top experiment that Kiro had undergone in the orphanage. That was something only Kiro would have survived, with his willpower and determination in his heart to make a better life for himself and MC- something that Anole clearly lacks.

I had never seen Helios laugh before. His smile wasn't as dazzling as his golden-haired counterpart’s, but one could say that if the former him was the sun, then his smile was now a gentle moon.

THE IRONYYY. Helios is finally okay with showing this side of him to her, from watching her go through trials and tribulations in the Winter World with the other Helios- of course he wouldn’t want any danger to be near MC, but knowing that she can handle anything after all that she went through, he now knows that it’s better for her to be with him instead. Also he learnt how to smile from her and now he’s smiling again as Helios and I’m just so happy

Whether in the face of violent, nefarious enemies or a wave of blood and bullets, he’d never shown any fear. I got the feeling that he was somehow nervous, or even afraid. Was it because he had to return into the spotlight, back the shower of roses and applause?

Well… when he decided to give all that up and step into the darkness with no turning back, what was he thinking then?

He leaned on the wall and rested awhile, staring intently at the black tattoo on his right arm… he looked at himself in the mirror. His silver strands of hair were tingled with gold, as if bathed in sunlight. And for only that one time, he didn’t avert his gaze from the desire in his eyes. It was like looking at a self portrait—so distant, yet so familiar. It was only now that he realised: this was the moment in his life most worth reliving. Once again, he had become Kiro.

In the PV/Karma (photo down below), we see him wearing black- not as Helios but as Kiro! Again, ironic how he’s holding a comeback concert he’s wearing black, a colour that represents darkness and shadows. It had been noted in the Snooper Rumours and Secrets that this is way out of Kiro’s style wardrobe. However, this signifies a range of things. The two personas are “merging” as he no longer hides this persona to MC- they’re one in the same. It has always been this way and will never change. The colour black also means power and authority, but can mean fear and grief. This is the same outfit when Kiro was doubting himself in the Light Pursuit Date as well.

Right now, if we’re talking moon phases, Kiro right now is in “the void”. Meaning he’s “nowhere”. He’s Kiro but he’s also operating as Helios. He feels nervous to go back but it does come so natural for him to be in the spotlight. He feels stuck at crossroads with himself, especially when he got forced back to perform by Anole.

Ultimately, it’s like he’s saying “no matter what becomes of me, I will always stay true to you.” And I think this is perfectly translated as Kiro says,

“Miss Chips, wait for me.”

(”Wait for me as I fight for us both. So you don’t have to suffer.”) But we suffer either way.

His light and sun has always come from MC. He will always keep running towards his sun, no matter which persona he embodies. This, we can be certain on. (New Season 2 Chapters please don’t oppose this LOL.)

“I await you at the end of the opposite path.”

#26 pages long #I actually love his voice so much #mlqc #mlqc kiro #mlqc helios #helios #mr love queens choice #love and producer #mlqc cn #mlqc en #恋与制作人 #mlqc analysis #mlqc translation #mlqc zhou qiluo #zhou qilou #kiro #mlqc spoilers

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lonelyghosts-stuff · 4 years ago

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Loki x Reader one shot summary idea idk what to call this lol (I will be writing a full one shot story for this eventually)

Warnings: angst, torture, kidnapping, and violence

Imagine you are a part of the avengers with a past unknown to all of them except Natasha Romanoff and Nick Fury. Throughout your time with the avengers you have become friends with them, but you still remained isolated and tended to stick to your own when possible. One person, or alien if you would, despised you. Not because you were human or one of the “good guys (although those things didn’t help) but because he knew nothing about you. He had managed to get most of the information regarding the others in one way or another, but you, your past was seemingly erased from history and you never let your shields down for anyone to get an insight. He also hated that you acted so selflessly and compassionately towards everyone, including him, and he hated that he couldn’t figure out why. What was your motive? I mean, no one is like that out of the goodness of their heart, right? Loki had “joined” (or rather was coerced into) the avengers as means of making amends for his past crimes.

One day on a mission, you and Loki get separated from the rest of the group, forcing some uncomfortable and unresolved tension, mostly on Loki’s side. In between strikes and punches, Loki would pop one question after the other, attempting to pry into your life and your, no doubt, selfish intentions with being nice. Despite his best efforts, you shot down each question and focused on the fight. At one point, you seemingly defeated all of the enemies and took a moment to breathe easily. It was then that, out of the corner of your eye, you noticed something stirring. One of the enemies was still alive and using what strength it had left, it lunged at Loki. Acting without hesitation, you defended Loki and jumped into the way and struck at the enemy, but not before the enemy managed to land a blow on you, impaling you through your gut.

In immense pain, you collapsed to the ground and felt paralyzed in pain. Loki quickly knelt by your side to assess your wound while also scolding you for your recklessness. After a moment of analysis, he determined he would need to heal you at least as much as he could until you could reunite with the others and get you to a proper medical center. He urged you that you needed to remove your shirt so he could see the wound better and heal it, but to his surprise, you bluntly and insistently refused. You seemed to be incredibly guarded and insisted you were fine, saying you should wait for Natasha to come and help. Hearing this, Loki then told you to stand up if you were so fine so you could both find Natasha and the others together. In a bout of stubbornness, despite you knowing that you were beyond well enough to do so, you attempted to stand up. Pain shot throughout your body, as you shrieked in pain, collapsing back onto the ground with deep, strained breaths. Your vision became spotty as the pain coursed through you. You knew that, if you weren’t treated soon, you would die. Thousands of thoughts streamed through your mind as you slowly tuned out all of the sounds and sights around you, trapping yourself in your mind. Suddenly, Loki’s voice shattered your bubble and pulled you back to reality. You could see the concern and determination on his face as he spoke; you could only catch some of the words that came out of his mouth.

Finally, you could hear him clearly again as he once again insisted that you remove your shirt so he could heal you. Defensiveness and panic rushed into your mind for a second, but almost immediately fizzled out once you looked into his eyes. He was sincere. Slowly, you let him help you up into a seated position and you nodded that it was okay for him to remove your shirt. Carefully and precisely, Loki lifted your shirt off of you, above your head, with great care as to not hurt you. You felt the cold hit your body, your bra providing barely any defense from the bitter air. Once the shirt was fully pulled over your head, you inhaled a sharp breath and held it. You could feel Loki’s piercing gaze upon your front, and then back as he made his away around you to check the wound.

Scars. Lots of scars were scattered about your body. Scars from knives, bullet wounds, injection sites from needles, scars from blunt trauma, etc. Loki found himself frozen. How someone as seemingly chipper as you could have suffered so much. Who did this to you and why? How long ago were you inflicted with these? Based purely on observation, he deduced you had received these wounds over the course of many years; some wounds clearly looked fresher than others. He was tempted to brush his hand along your scars, to feel the grooves and indentations, but he restrained himself, sensing your discomfort and insecurity.

Taking a deep breath, he gently placed one of his hands on your stomach, right over the wound. In response to his cold hand on your bare stomach, you inadvertently released the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. You felt so exposed; so vulnerable. It was only a second until you felt a warm sensation on your stomach, forcing you to look down. To your amazement, a green, mist-like substance was pooling out of Loki’s fingers and burrowing itself into your wound. A mix of discomfort and a strange, soothing sensation crept throughout your body. After a while, Loki made his way behind you again and proceeded to lay his hand on your back, where the wound had managed to reach. You closed your eyes, trying to imagine you were far away from everything, sleeping, watching a movie, laughing with your friends, anything. Before you could get too comfortable, however, Loki removed his hand from your back, but didn’t come around to face you again. You felt his heavy breath on your back, not only from the exhaustion of using so much magic to heal you, but clearly he was troubled.

A sudden wave of confidence and something else you couldn’t pinpoint washed over you. Surprising Loki, but more importantly yourself, you opened your mouth and spoke. You told him it was okay, and that he could touch them. Loki paused before asking for reassurance, wanting to make sure you were actually okay with it. Seeing you nod, he hesitantly placed a hand on your back. You once again inhaled a sharp breath as he froze for a second, checking that you were okay. Slowly, he traced a finger across your scars, feeling each detail, groove, and imperfection. He proceeded to do this in complete silence. You loosened up a bit, allowing yourself to breathe out and in at a calmer and consistent pace.

For a second, Loki opened his mouth, internally struggling with whether or not he should ask you what happened. Before he could decide, you spoke out. In a shaky tone, you began to tell him of your past. You were taken at a young age by a secret intel group working on replicating the super soldier serum. You were only 16, but due to your family’s history of joblessness and irresponsibility, you were the perfect mark. Your parents were killed and the news assumed it was suicide and that you ran away. For years you endured countless methods of experimentation as they tried to perfect their serum. Unfortunately for you, the studies and statistics they had managed to get ahold of from the original experiments were incomplete and fragmented. This led to desperate attempts to substitute ingredients and information and steps that were unknown, leading to many painful and destructive effects on your body. You were cut open many times to receive samples and prevent the spread of faulty serums. Eventually, the group had found something. Not quite the same serum as the original super soldier serum, but something different. A mysterious seller by the name of Klaue had provided vibranium, an element that very little was known about. Using the vibranium and finding a way to activate it, the scientists were able to add it into the serum and insert it into your blood stream. The serum fused with your cells, the vibranium increasing your stamina and ability to endure physical trauma and injury. Despite this, you still felt everything; every hit, stab, slice, gunshot, etc. but the serum allowed you to keep moving. Of course you first found this out through a series of vigorous testing as the scientists tested your limits. Each weapon was amped up and the danger increased. You weren’t invulnerable to damage or death, but your ability to endure it without it killing you was dramatically increased. It would take a lot more than a simple stab or gunshot to the chest or brain to kill you, at least immediately. Of course this was just common weaponry, not an enemy piercing a mysterious weapon through your gut. This serum, combined with the other samples of failed serums left in your system, left you highly unstable. The effects of the vibranium were nigh radioactive at times when you were under extreme pressure. News reached the scientists that the newly formed group called the Avengers had gotten wind of their experiments and were on their way to them. The sciences panicked and worked on shutting down the lab and salvaging what they could, ensuring they secured the latest serum. The scientists decided that they had exhausted your use and decided to exterminate you to move onto another subject to further their research on this new serum. This news didn’t reach you well as you lashed out, almost as if you weren’t in control of your own body, and you killed them all. You were left alone, scared, hurting, and dangerous. Fortunately, when the Avengers arrived, they were able to recognize you as not an immediate threat and safely subdue you. Thanks to the genius of Tony stark (and Shuri eventually as years passed) your condition was stabilized, but the effects of the serum were irreversible.

Loki was silent. In awe of how someone could go through so much and still be a good person. He eventually made his way in front of you, facing you with sympathy and an immense compassion in his eyes. You were silently weeping as he made his way around, tears were streaming down your face as you shook. Without saying anything, Loki gently cupped your face in his hands and looked you in the eyes, allowing you to calm down. His eyes moved across your body, beautiful, but damaged. Seeing you shivering, he quickly grabbed your shirt again and helped you put it back on; the gash in the shirt from the attack was still there, but it was better than nothing.

You said nothing. You kept your eyes on the ground. Silence.

To yours and his shock, Loki quickly pulled you into a warm embrace, burying his face into the crook of your neck. You couldn’t move, the shock still affecting you. When it seemed like Loki was loosening his grip, you quickly acted and hugged him back, weeping into shoulder.

He assured you, you were no longer alone. You were safe. As long as he’s able, he will not let harm come to you again.

#avengers #mcu #marvel #loki #captain america #avengers end game #endgame #end game #reader #reader insert #x reader #x y/n #Loki #loki laufeyson #loki x you #loki x reader #loki x y/n #fan fiction #fanfic

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cosmicheromp3 · 5 years ago

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let’s talk about snowbirds don’t fly for a second, shall we: the arc where roy’s addiction was first introduced, and how it actually affected the relationship between roy and ollie.

people’s perception of snowbirds don’t fly and the events surrounding it is so... weird, to the point where it often makes me wonder whether they’ve actually read the comic (and roy’s appearances right after, but i realize those might be less known) or whether they’re just going off a few very specific panels and inaccurate recounts – usually from people that will twist anything in their favour to call ollie a bad guy.

because, if you pieced together what most people seem to think happened – and this is what i was expecting to find once i decided to read it myself –, in snowbirds we should see: roy, not yet an adult and still under the active care of ollie, starts using drugs, and oliver’s so caught up in himself and negligent that he doesn’t notice what’s happening. when he finally finds out, he lashes out, hits roy and kicks him out of the house, leaving roy without a home. this makes their relationship crumble, and roy starts hating ollie because of it. they don’t speak to each other, and leave in awful terms.

and... in many aspects, that’s so far from the events you'll see if you actually go read green lantern #85 (snowbirds don’t fly) and #86 (they say it’ll kill me... but then won’t say when!). i’m assuming a lot of misconceptions happen because of a) writers with a grudge against ollie who retroactively, and unfairly, painted him in a bad light, and people took this at face value, and b) retcons that came with the new 52 reboot – but, i'll be honest, i don’t care enough to go read that mess even for this post. in general, i’m pretty sure we all agree that we ignore out of character comics; let’s not make roy and ollie the exception to that, yeah?

first i want to get something out of the way, that i feel like i need to mention even though there’s probably people that have talked about it better than i could. when we analyze this comic we should keep in mind that the characters in the story were meant to fill specific roles for the sort of... PSA comic that dc was trying to make, and in the 70s, at that. considering this, both roy and ollie are plot devices.

the creative team behind the story (o’neil and adams) have said that they chose roy to be the average “good” teen who fell into drugs – as a way to say “this could happen to anyone, even to this reputable superhero”. ollie was the caring but imperfect parent who missed the signs – not abusive but distant at the moment, he was meant to be more like a nudge to parents to pay closer attention. it was written to play as a sort of “this could happen to the best of us” situation. and in that context, ollie is made to react in a way that is at most "not ideal" for the standards of its time: he hits roy, and denies to himself that roy’s addiction is a real problem that needs to be dealt with delicately. this is used to send the message of “don’t react like this”.

that isn’t exactly the point of this post, and i don’t want to downplay the harm ollie did with his reaction or absolve him of any blame. the point of this post is: people seem to think that’s where the storyline ended, that was ollie’s final reaction, and those are the terms in which ollie and roy parted; which is just not true.

instead, ollie hitting roy happens in the very first page of green lantern #86 – we have an entire issue in which ollie is faced with his initial reaction and made to confront his mistake (which is more than we can say for, um, other father superheroes that have hit their children. i won’t name names.) the only moment you could read as him “kicking roy out” – which is the phrasing i’ve seen applied to this – happens the very next page, where ollie tells roy to “get out”.

the thing is, roy was not living with ollie at the moment. there was nowhere that ollie could kick him out from. “get out” means just that: get out of this room (and ollie didn’t intend anything more than that with his words.) the comic makes a point of stressing that roy is, by that point, independent, and old enough to be living without a guardian.

ollie, right after roy leaves, thinks: “but he shouldn’t need attention–at his age”. ollie is in the wrong here because of his close-minded view of addiction and because he’s not considering that, though a legal adult, roy is still young and needs care, but it still shows that roy was largely on his own by then. ollie’s reaction is definitively negative and a rejection, but can’t in any way be seen as “kicking roy out”, because it isn’t. (note, also, how ollie’s first thought is that he failed roy, but his denial and stubbornness get in the way and he shifts the blame. he’ll eventually have to get over this and change.)

we see that ollie plays the role of the father that reacts poorly, and he is directly contrasted with the adults who do take responsibility for roy – hal at first, and dinah after, are the ones who play the role of “this is how you should react.”

hal finds roy without knowing what happened between him and ollie, and his first reaction is to take roy to a doctor; he immediately recognizes that what roy needs is help – and will later say so to ollie. when roy refuses, saying he wants to kick the addiction on his own – to prove himself to ollie, because even though he doesn’t think ollie was right he still values his opinion and their relationship, but i’d say there’s something he’s trying to prove to himself, too –, hal recognizes that he doesn’t know anything about drug withdrawal or addiction, and he’s receptive to roy, asking him questions and listening without judgement.

so he takes roy to dinah, who is the one that (very kindly, might i add, because dinah and roy weren’t that close at the time) cares for roy while he goes cold turkey. roy, possibly rather unrealistically, though i’m no expert, kicks the addiction in the span of a few pages. before the ending of this arc, roy has already gone clean.

there’s a one week timeskip there, where we assume that out of the characters featured in this story, roy only interacts with dinah, and ollie’s been with hal. then, before the conclusion of this story, roy is given a place to confront ollie and call him out for his mistakes. roy calls him out for turning his back on him, and he gets to tell him – and show him, punching him in a scene where it’s implied that ollie completely deserves it, unlike the opposite situation that this issue started with – about the pain he’s been in. we are given, in text, a moment where roy can express to ollie what he’s been going through, what he did wrong, and how it affected him.

(this is a moment where the intentions of the comic are very clear, not only because roy practically turns to the camera to deliver the PSA, but also because of the wording: roy told ollie that he turned his back on him, and in the same page he talks about society turning its back on drug addicts, same wording twice. ollie and roy are both meant to represent something other than just themselves, even if this happened in continuity and ended up affecting their characters in the long run.)

and ollie – unlike in that first page, now ollie is shown to listen and understand. he’s not in the same place or mindset he was in when everything started. in the beginning, ollie thought that there must be something inherently bad about a person who does drugs, in a reflection of society’s – and parents’ – views of the issue. and that shows in his initial denial and reaction: ‘how could my son, who’s a good person, do this?’ then, in this scene, when roy tells him he beat the addiction, he answers “good boy” – roy immediately rejects this notion, and emphasizes that there’s more to it than his own goodness: what’s important is the help he received, namely from hal and dinah, and a caring environment. ollie, at the very least, begins to understand this, and in doing so understands very clearly what he needs to change about their relationship if he wants roy back.

this means that ollie starts undergoing character development in this one issue alone. the thing about ollie, in regards to his relationship with roy, is that he has made mistakes and the narrative acknowledges it; but, when well written, he realizes and admits it, making a point of learning from his mistakes. roy knows that ollie has fucked up, too, and doesn’t let him off the hook for it, but he also recognizes that he makes an effort to be better. especially after snowbirds, this informs their relationship a lot.

by the end of the issue they’re not hugging, and roy is leaving on his own, but that’s completely of his own accord. and these are the last panels in the entire issue:

the whole original comic, but mostly these panels specifically, is what makes me wonder about people’s perception of these events, and the misconceptions i previously mentioned – because i really am confused as to how you could reconcile these two opposite readings. unless, you know... people are speaking without ever touching the original comic. (i don’t want to blame anyone for not reading older comics, but please, if you’re gonna speak, especially if it’s to shit on a character or call them abusive the way people do with ollie, do it in an informed way.)

so, right after the events of snowbirds, because roy was allowed to speak up and ollie was made to listen, at least as much as can be expected through his stubbornness, they’re in much better terms than people usually think. if you look at roy’s chronology, he interacts with ollie in his next few appearances (barring the teen titans ones), teaming up as they normally would, with the one difference being the emphasis that’s put into the fact that roy has grown away from ollie – in the same way as any young adult would grow away from a parent. there’s also roy’s resentment for ollie’s actions, but this resentment is portrayed as deserved and it doesn’t turn their interactions into something negative. it’s still clear that they both care for each other, and there’s certainly no hate.

[from action comics #436/2]

this first one takes place a few months after roy goes his own way. roy is in the middle of working a case when ollie gets involved, and they work on it together. green lantern #100/2 is their next appearance and has a similar plot, this time with dinah working with them as well. in both of these, they still work well together, are able to communicate in action and have each other’s backs.

in the action comics issue, ollie insists that roy is still welcome by his side, and that he should still feel free to ask for help whenever he needs it. roy refuses in the way that’s shown in the panels above – saying that he needs to “be a loner for a while” and build a life of his own (though it’s not an exact parallel, because ollie is ollie and takes “loner” to a whole other level, the wording here reminds me of the way ollie tends to leave on his own whenever he feels like he needs to find himself). you’ll see that these interactions aren’t hostile at all – quite the opposite.

world’s finest #251/3 might be the one where their interactions are the most tense, and that’s mostly just in the end. when they’re done with the usual superhero team-up, ollie shows willingness to talk to roy:

“i can’t help out. roy’s back, and, well– we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” through these issues, we realize that ollie has learned: his previous mistake was not paying enough attention to roy, and not showing him that he could always count on ollie (both in noticing roy’s addiction, but also before, in not taking enough care so roy wouldn’t get to that point). he tries to make up for it every chance he has, but it’s always on roy’s terms. everyone is aware that ollie is the one who was in the wrong, and it’s up to roy to forgive him or not, but no one ever pressures roy to do so. when roy doesn’t want to stay and talk, ollie accepts it.

ollie atones again and again, and their relationship isn’t magically fixed and they don’t go back to being close without effort – effort which rightfully has to be done, again, mostly on ollie’s part. but they never, ever go so far as to hate each other.

then, in green arrow (1988) #75, ollie feels so bad about what happened between them, about the way he screwed up, he essentially says to roy that he wouldn’t fault him for wanting to shoot him. “so go ahead. god knows, you’ve got plenty of reason.” roy has been brainwashed here; he breaks through it because of ollie’s words.

and, after this whole ordeal is done, this is how they part ways:

by this point, roy already has lian and a life of his own. he’s gone back to being speedy and then arsenal, he’s in the titans again and he will become a renowned hero in his own right. he might have forgiven ollie a long time ago, but now that he has found himself – like he set off to do at first – he seems more prepared to make amends and see where he stands with him (maybe i’m attributing more consistency among these issues, that happen years apart, than we should actually give them credit for, but i can’t help trying to find the common themes.)

after these, which are the most immediate interactions after snowbirds, we have multiple instances of them being close again. it’s in every small moment they have together, really, but off the top of my head, a couple that are illustrative for their relationship are green arrow: the archer’s quest and justice league of america (2006) #7, even though they don’t directly interact in this last one. i was gonna include panels from both, but this is getting long enough; i urge you to read them, especially if you followed along reading the issues i’ve mentioned, because they’re great. what i am gonna include, cause it’s amazing, is this panel from justice league of america wedding special.

in my opinion, these misconceptions around ollie and roy not only are a disservice to their characters but also mean that people are missing out on what i think is a really interesting relationship. it’s almost rare to see a relationship evolve in a way that feels so organic in comics, not only because the interpersonal conflict here is shown to have real, tangible consequences but also because the characters are allowed to grow in a way that is gradual and natural and even satisfying.

ollie and roy's relationship might have never been the exact same after snowbirds – but which father-son relationship stays the same after the son grows up? and i think it's a testament to the strength of their bond that without ever ignoring these events (because, as i’ve shown, they’re very much acknowledged again and again) they not only never stop loving each other, but are also able to keep building something meaningful going forward.

#roy harper #ollie queen #green arrow #dc #dc meta #drug mention //#long post //#i was gonna put this under a read more but u know what. i'm not gonna give u the option to scroll past this. you are forced to read it #not really but u know hgsdhghsj #you'll notice how many times they call each other dad/son in these panels and that wasn't even intentional #not to keep comparing this to u know who but u know who could never

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the-lightning-strikes-again · 4 years ago

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I really don’t get why people keep saying Allura was SO awful or horrible to Keith after learning about his heritage. She just gave him the cold shoulder for an episode or two, and it’s not like they brought this up later in the show as a way for her to hold some other grudge against him. People are just blowing it up as something bigger than it actually was. And like many people have said, her liking or “suddenly” being nice to Lotor wasn’t bc oH he’s Altean (1/2)

Continued anon message: “There were several moments between their first close encounter and him revealing his heritage which prove that trust was developing before then, but I guess people just overlook those (2/2)”

Hi, anon! Thanks for the note! Yeah, haha, this topic of “is Allura racist?” is an interesting one because for me, it boils down to looking at the show’s design decisions and details. And those design decisions came from real human beings who aren’t any more objective than the rest of us. So as a content creator myself (who feels incredibly human and and whose stories and portrayals are also imperfect by virtue of their imperfect creator), I have to recognize that it’s impossible to create a totally woke, unproblematic creative product—and it’s also impossible to ensure that everyone around the world interprets everything in exactly the same way, no matter how well-intentioned the project.

That said, I do think a lot of fans are victims of how this show may have manipulated/gaslit them to feel, not just about Allura but also about other characters and events as well—and that there are benefits to analyzing what went wrong with VLD.

My hope is that, as content creators and fans, maybe we can learn from VLD’s narrative mistakes or even better understand how two fans can have totally opposing interpretations over the same creative work. In the case of VLD, as I’ve mentioned before, the show uses a screwy and imbalanced narrative lens when portraying victims. To add to that, the show design also consistently undermines details foundational to the show universe (such as using an unreliable narrator to express what the show actually accepts as objective fact or history). This is important, because the way in which something is told/shown ultimately manipulates audience emotion for or against something. This gets into how propaganda and subliminal messaging work at a technical level. And when the narrative lens is handled in a biased way that undermines other story elements, audience reaction/interpretation gets messy, no matter what the stated events/facts are in the story. We are attuned to pick up on cognitive dissonances (inconsistent patterns) as part of our human survival instinct.

I’m not convinced that VLD dev team wielded the Power of the Narrative Lens very well—if it had, season 2′s portrayal of the conflict with Keith and Allura would have looked different.

In an s2 with a more balanced narrative lens, we likely would have seen at least flashes of Allura’s memory, showing some s3 backstory of Allura’s fear upon realizing that previously faithful Galran allies were killing multiple civilizations upon an order from their own kind...and coming for Altea next. Or maybe there would have been something/someone else involving Allura’s traumatic experiences so that the audience could have an empathetic, emotionally connective moment with her. We would have, in equal parts, still seen Keith’s plight as the suffering saint trying to figure out what being half-Galra means. And we would have seen the other paladins trying to resolve the conflict and understand how to recalibrate together as a team and a family.

Instead, in provided canon, we see Hunk (of all people, why Hunk?) make racist microaggressions at Keith, further alienating Keith without any recourse. And for Allura, the visual lens shows her making a cold glare at Keith without further explanation. It’s a very alienating moment. In season 2, you feel that coldness from Allura because the show’s visual lens aligns you to Keith’s gaze for several agonizing seconds, and the narrative bias of the animation is to show Keith as the singular victim in this situation. It is a very targeted, lonely, and disquieting moment for Keith. The other paladins and their reactions to Allura and Keith even feed into this. It’s not until s3 that we get an emotional glimpse into the omnicide of an entire solar system—and even then, that history focuses more on the motives of the instigators rather than showing the brutality experienced by victims. By that point, we’ve blown way past the s2 issue, which creates another layer of cognitive dissonance: that the situation doesn’t feel totally...resolved, somehow, even though plot-wise it actually is.

So I think there are indicators that the dev team’s own biases and agendas informed, at times for the worse, the very lens through which we consume the VLD story. I don’t think the dev team was aware what tackling genocide while visually portraying Allura’s trauma as antagonistic and alienating would result in? And I think this oversight gets into why some fans feel a certain way about literally anything in this show, haha. So I feel like we’re all victims of a show with amazing potential and incredibly fascinating elements but just…poor execution.

One other thing I have to give faith on when I have a disagreement with another show fan—it’s a 78-episode show. How often are people holistically watching and critically reviewing this show in order to catch every little detail? I’m pretty sure I can’t remember all the details either, even though I re-watched the show not that long ago. So there’s a whole other layer here, where fans have a separation from the source content itself. So take those emotional negative “impressions” people developed while watching s2 or any other moment where Allura has been less than the ideal woman (oof, fandom is so forgiving with men but so unforgiving with women), and then suddenly muddy those memories with 2 years of not re-watching the show holistically. Typically, the brain is better at storing negative reactions than positive ones. So if someone had a negative reaction to Allura’s actions with Keith in s2 or elsewhere, without an empathetic moment to balance it out, then that negativity is going to stick, and every detail to the contrary is going to fade out.

I know for me, I’ve really had to fight the memory problem because after over a year, for example, I was building up impressions about VLD history that actually were missing some important details from s3. And that was kind of a shock to me. So I do think selective memory plays a part in adding to a biased dissonance one might feel from the actual story.

Ultimately, this whole unnecessary fandom split on “is Allura racist?” is one reason why I feel that VLD—for all of its good things that I genuinely love so much—had a lot of troubling issues. Despite all the canonical good that Allura ends up doing and how she overcomes trauma to champion genuine peace for all, there’s subliminal messaging against her because of how the visual and narrative spins or hides things. And that issue has nothing to do with the characters but everything to do with the development team and how the show was written/directed. And that, I think, informs ongoing fandom perceptions of Allura and creates just some really painful and unnecessary messes, to the point of creating an overall inaccurate take like “Allura is racist” when in fact, she’s just traumatized from very real and significant abuses and overcomes that, even.

It really makes me, as a writer, try to look at my own stories and attempt to understand “why” I portray certain things as I do while writing—and if that lens portrayal is really the best one for the effect/message I want. Because the way in which a story is conveyed can really play mind games with the audience, and that might not be the right effect for a story that isn’t another Inception or Crying of Lot 49, lol.

#Voltron #Allura #Keith #VLD #Writing Techniques #Subliminal Messages #Biases in the Visual Lens of a Story #VLD had an incredible lack of empathy for victims #it shows in the very way it portrays their stories and then villainizes or undermines them #Thanks for the note anon!

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yezielmoore · 4 years ago

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Prompt #15: Ache

Vague spoilers SHB 5.0 and after, but nothing beyond 5.1.

~o~

He’s looking at her.

That’s not unusual. G’raha has practically turned his penchant for fretting and his stalking tendencies into an art form. A subtle one, usually, but she knows that her current glamour displays more bared skin than her usual total of none at all, except for the face and sometimes not even that much. Her Bard glamour is one the few that show off her arms and legs, as such her scars are visible, but more importantly, so are the consequences of absorbing so much light aether that the only reason she didn’t succumb was the sacrifice of yet another friend.

X’lial gamely ignores the ache that thinking of Ardbert always brings. Now is not the time. It never is.

In any case, ever since that day, her tanned skin is a map of silvery-white lines, going every which way without rhyme or reason. Every ilm of it. Everybody has seen her face, of course, and the almost elegant way the lines spider web from the scar on her left temple across her face and down her neck. No portion of her body was spared. And now she has bared her arms and legs to scrutiny.

A test, if you will. For herself but also her companions. She needs to know even if she has to push.

Judging by the staring and blank expression blank in a way that screams ‘I’m feeling too many things and I can’t deal so I’ll shut down’, well, it doesn’t seem like it’ll go great.

“Does it hurt?” He asks at last, ears lowered and voice low, hesitant and… shamed. Guilty.

It makes her want to scream sometimes, the way he takes responsibility for every bad thing that happened to the people under his aegis and, specifically, to her. And fine, in this occasion he shares a good portion of the fault, but so does she. She made her choice, even if it was under unfavorable circumstances. Her whole like has been a conga line of unfortunate circumstances atop terrible options, that doesn’t make her choices any less hers.

She closes the distance between them, watches as his crystal hand clenches on his staff, a nervous tick he developed at some point after they parted ways. She can’t see it, but she imagines that his tail is lashing about in nervous anticipation too.

She nods towards his crystalized arm. “Does it hurt?” she parrots back.

He isn’t the only one with observational skills. She has also watched him and wondered, and X’lial is almost certain that the arm doesn’t bother him. She can’t say if that’s true for the… seams of flesh and crystal, but that wasn’t her question, was it?

His brow furrows in confusion. “I… no? It…” he hesitates again, either unsure of why she’s asking that or of sharing personal information. Still, answer he does. “It doesn’t feel much like anything anymore.”

She nods. “Exactly.”

His ears perk up again as they always did whenever a mystery was at hand. Huh. She thought they realized but… but maybe they didn’t. Oh. Oh.

“Not body,” she says, tracing the dramatic swept of one of those marks. “Soul.”

He startles at that but, after a moment of consideration, he simply looks sad. Heartbroken and, once again, guilty.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he says again, as he has repeated hundreds of times already. “There aren’t enough words in any language to express how sorry I am for putting you through that. Even if…”

“No.” She decides to interrupt before he can lose himself in another spiral of self-loathing and regret.

“Even so, I do regret that I caused you pain.”

She shrugs, unconcerned. “Normal.”

“Well, it shouldn’t be!” He explodes suddenly. “Constant pain isn’t supposed to be the norm, X’lial!” As sudden as his fury came it was immediately replaced by regret and a deep sadness bordering on anguish. She is very alarmed to see his eyes shine with unshed tears. He looks away. “I apologize for my outburst. It was unbecoming of me and it was never my intent to… to add to…”

“Raha. Stop.”

He flinches and she can’t help it, she reaches out, and after receiving a nod of permission, she grabs his hands. “Listen.”

She points once again at her left arm. They’re so close he can see every single detail of those terribly unnatural marks, but it’s not them she’s pointing at. Instead she’s tapping at the scars he remembers spying a lifetime ago. There are more of them now, of course, but underneath the round bullet wounds, the cuts and stab wounds are even older scars. Burns, from friction and fire he thinks, or maybe slag.

“Calamity,” she says. “Ache always… Always.” She squeezes his hands, one spoken, one crystal veined with gold; a stark contrast to her tan ones veined with silver. Anomalous is what they are. Perfectly imperfect. “Normal.”

“…I understand.”

He does, she can see that. And yet, he also doesn’t seem inclined to take her word at face value and simply accept what she says as the whole truth. Why is she friends with such stubborn people?

They separate when they hear the Scions voices approach, discussion tabled for the moment. She takes a deep breath and steels herself for more reactions, if Raha is in any way a sample of how the rest of her family will react.

She’s glad she didn’t tell him about the soul deep ache radiating from that place deep within, where an unfathomable amount of Light once sat, crushing her form the inside out with its terrible weight. They will never get anything done if everyone keeps hovering around her like mother hens over their first batch of chicks.

#FFxivWrite2020 #FFxivWrite #ffxiv #yeziel writes #my writing #x'lial ris #g'raha tia

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tacosandtomcos · 5 years ago

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Me Going Through Star Vs Tv Tropes

So while Tv tropes is a fan thing similar to the Star vs Wiki and is imperfect in many ways. i was curious to check it out and see what had been put there for some aspects i was interested in in terms of the show.

And boy, is it interesting.

I checked out cleaved first because i heard so much about how this page was outright going on about how much the finale messed up, and they weren’t wrong, it actually feels like whoever wrote this was pretty mad themselves.

There’s discussion about the implied genocide, the implied dangers of merging worlds, heck, this entire page went over obvious plot holes.

It is the most salty thing i have seen in awhile, and it’s kinda funny in a way, this one got to me man:

it hits on mos of the critisim towards the episode and some more that some people may of missed upon first glance, so for all it’s faults i give it credit for finding new ways of disscussing everything wrong with the finale in ways that make it easier to understand where things went wrong for others.

I will admit though, the page does try to jusitify star’s actions despite also pointing out how bad they are with the “Saving of the monsters”, and it feels like someone should add the fact that there were other solutions available as pointed out by previous episodes and star’s actions aren’t easily forgivable considering the damage her actions caused outweigh the good intentions.

I think people are happy she wanted to save the monsters and wouldn’t let them die but the magic destroying thing would have massive consequences and the ideas behind it are not fleshed out enough to justify this was the best course of action for mewni and it’s future.

The monsters are saved, but will the destruction of a vital source for the universe mean better for everyone across all dimensions, including the monsters?.

After i wanted to check out tom’s family junk, see what they had, and at least someone added the fact eclipsa’s family and tom’s family almost seem to be parallels because even though people picked up on it, and me myself wanted more done with that....clearly nothing came of it, so i’m glad they have a section on that.

though someone did forget to add wrathmelior having wings to her section.

Honestly this little tidbit stings considering the ending:

Honestly what they have for dave is the weirder section cause since his character got shoved to the wayside and little was done with him, most of his section is a lot more guesswork about his relation with tom then anything

Like some of the tropes with him and wrath are funny because well, they fall into some fun couple troupes, all his stuff with tom are more...like putting his original abusive persona mixed with what he’s like now:

Honestly in show where tom got his anger from relationship wise is not made clear since his parents were in 2 episodes.

like THIS was a detail that was a thing when tom’s dad was still an abusive demon, but i really don’t know how much this applies now. Dave seems to maybe have anger issues (I mean the dude threw a chair out of a window), but how tom feels about it or how big they are is put into question now.

Not to mention the “Big Guy” thing also seems like an abandoned part of OG dad and it feels like the show was going to make him a major character but abandoned it.

Like again, i wonder if these details should even be there because their canoncity is put into question since this stuff is coming from the original design of tom’s dad and not this current iteration. And i’m not sure if we have enough to even imply that dave is oblivious or has a serious temper since his anger has been shown once in the series.

i mean this is interesting cause i get to see what they put as far as minor characters and yeah it makes me wish the characters were used more because then the show could’ve done something with dave to actually give him a more clear character then having people base his personality and relationships off probably outdated info?

or at least, daron should’ve actively disbanded that info herself at one point or another if it’s untrue. It just feels like dave is supposed to be a wildly different character now but his og character is leaking in cause the show refused to give him anything to make people think of him differently.

tv tropes even mentions this was the original pitch, the abusive demon thing, so it’s weird they kept these elements while knowing they were adabonded

most of the rest of his page is pretty fine i was mostly curious about his page because i wanted to see how this thing would handle a minor character who was changed so drastically

Moved on to tom’s section, it’s decent at showing his flaws but reminding the people reading of his arc and improvement.

I love at least it addresses a lot of stuff i’ve been saying for years though

as someone who is used to people downplaying tom as a character, it’s neat here they do indeed consider tom is basically be almost the 3rd most important character in later seasons.

though concept alone did not gather him such a prominent fanbase, tom was just a good and interesting character in general and even the crew knew it, which is why even after the show ended how it did so many fans still consider tom a bright spot in it.

Tom still has a bunch of haters who refuse to like him no matter what and will probably never like him no matter what.

But most can agree he had a proper arc and his character remained likable and enjoyable at a time where a lot of characters were becoming increasingly hard to watch.

Tom didn’t just have a cool design, he was just a good character, and he and eclipsa have similar reasons for still being beloved even despite everything, the show never really ruined them for anyone, if anything, people cared about them WAY more then most of the other characters because they never got butchered like moon, star, or marco felt like they did.

Then i moved on to stuff about after the finale, and yes, the page remains salty.

I mean, i knew the show was being screwed bit by bit because as a fan i was keeping a close eye on this stuff, commercials, time, dates, ect. It hurts to see it though cause at the time people thought moving to Disney channel was gonna mean GOOD things for the series.

which sucks because THIS was also very true:

they did so much on their twitter to boost star, heck, it was designed to look like star, they showed star fanart, had star livestreams. Like Disney used to push this show hard till it slowly seemed to stop caring.

The Ama is also addressed briefly, especially Daron’s reaction, and yeah....

Still makes me pretty mad tbh.

Here’s some interesting stuff i found as well

From Friend-enemies

apparently this was gonna be a thing.

Also from tom’s section, which makes me wish we got stomco instead of what we got cause it’s so clear that finale had those implications and sad to see where it ended up.

Oh, and my favorite one:

Me too Rider, me too.

I hope someday you get better treatment for your character, especially since it was clear you loved playing him so much, i would’ve been mad too.

Yeah, so i checked out Tv Tropes under star to look at some things, it’s not perfect but kinda interesting, and hopefully i find time to go into stuff like this more in the future on this blog.

#star vs the forces of evil #svstfoe #svtfoe #Tom the Demon #tom lucitor #marco #marco diaz #star butterfly #Dave Lucitor #king lucitor #queen lucitor #moon mention #wrathmelior lucitor #analysis

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fmdjoosungarchive · 4 years ago

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location: studios

date: sept-oct 2020

word count: 1847

tldr; verification for sung’s song happiness, full everything. he reflects on his changing relationship with his family around this time, and writes the song basically in a day. it’s the last edition to the album, and ends up titling the album, both in promotions, and physicals

some songs take months -or years- to write. they require longstanding introspection, an abundance of creative energy that can come with time, excessive company approval, or some mix of all of the above. others come as naturally as breathing.

happiness was a singular breath.

the basis of the song came together in a singular day, though listening back to it, sung doesn’t think it comes off that way. there is no reeking of speed. if anything, it was slow. like most everything else he’d come to write for with the intention of putting into this album, sung wasn’t trying to flex some rap skills -that he didn’t have. like other idols talked about, sung had never been interested in trying to be the fastest rapper with the tightest diction and impeccable rhythm. his focus was on making music that sounded good. sung thought he’d accomplished that, simple composition as it was.

while the lyrics and the composition, hadn’t changed much at all since that first day writing it, putting it together then, sung felt like so much had changed.

in that time, sung had started taking his ideas of a concept for the album much more seriously, and began trying to craft storyline out of his eventual tracklist. it was a story -a novel. he’d named the song happiness, and in that, in realising how it brought together his concept in a singular, contradicting word, he knew it needed to be different. like a book cover, or a foreword, or post-script. that thought had been what enticed him to come back into the company studio on a whim, to finish it off. the production wouldn’t sound like the rest of his songs, and that was part of the purpose of it. whether to put it at the beginning or end of the album... sung could figure that out when he’d gotten a little closer to the deadline. which was in, tick tock, too few days for comfort. he shuddered.

but, what had hit sung the hardest, was in how differently he felt about the lyrics he’d written, in the month or so since writing it. it was hard to believe how incredibly much had happened in such a short time period.

he stuck by the lyrics. the words themselves were ones that sung still stood by. he wished, forever and always, that he could spend more time with his family, and that he could make them proud with his chosen profession, considering it went directly against what his parents wanted for him all those years ago. was he someone who could be considered successful now? sung wasn’t sure, but he hoped no matter what, his family could be proud of him.

the lyrics weren’t only about that, not when the eventual concept was desiring happiness in general, with others and the self, but it was what rung thoughts on a clothesline through his head. for the last year, maybe more depending on who was asked, sung’s relationship with his family had been strained. mostly with his parents, they struggled to understand one another. now wasn’t all that much different from a year ago in that regard, however, sung’s reaction to this refusal to understand, his intention bursting out in an uncharacteristic moment to stand up for himself, that was where sung’s new lease on life came from. the jury was still out on whether his family could come to accept him properly with time, however, it was a step in the right direction. he knew that the hardships that were coming would eventually be worth it.

this song didn’t resonate with any of that growth, despite being a fairly new song. to him, it had come to represent it, anyway, for being part of an antithesis, to the person he let himself become for his family, for so long.

back then, it was a quite different feeling.

ole reliable had been the song’s beginning. sung had come to develop the habit of holing himself up in a studio, after a call with this parents that upset him. he loved them to bits, and had tried from birth to understand how to be the kind of son they wanted, but he could never stop his emotions over not being that person. the smallest of a comment could shut off a part of his brain. leaving a hazy hue around the rest of the conversation, until he could get to the nearest studio available to him, to let those feelings out in the best way he knew how, those days.

flitting, offhanded words from his father was the culprit, this time around. he’d tried his best to stay present, engaged, and not start crying at the drop of a hat, which only meant the piano keys were wet with salted water before they were ever pressed down. not everyone, not even sung sometimes, could understand how his emotions worked, including in how changeable they could be. despite the melancholy in his heart, plucking out a dreary rhythm had managed to lift his spirits. call it being a creative, the concept of any music coming from him was exciting, no matter how hard the circumstances were to get there.

he’d only managed to stop for lunch before sung couldn’t take it anymore, and needed to come back to the piano line he’d written. he tried out different tempos to the piece, attempting to find the most pleasingly dynamic sound that he could. a particular round of slowing down had peaked sung’s interest with a welcome offhand comment his brain had provided him, “that sounds dreadful,” and for that day, sung thought that was the entire purpose. if he was to write a song about his relationship with his family, it should sound like the feelings he’d been having earlier.

of course, if he was doing that, he’d need to work out what he wanted to say, in a way that wouldn’t expose himself to the public. he started by writing down his current feelings, his current feelings towards his mom and dad. what lyrics came from that were too personal, and too filled with his intense feeling that it became convoluted. stripping back was the move, and alongside that,

it sparked a new idea. stripping back everything could make for something different. who knows how long he had left on our songs. if there was a time to make change, it was right then. sung wanted to continue to try to prove his point that rap could be anything, over being exclusively for beats that were pulled together without much thought to them.

keeping similar to what he’d been writing for the rest of the album, the eventuality of ‘happiness’ relied on the lyrics pushing it forward, while the instruments in the back kept a steady pace, awaiting those lyrics to come intertwine. will smith gesturing to jada smith, that sort of thing.

sung found himself sitting in that same spot for the next couple of hours, though it hadn’t felt like much time had passed at all. when he spared a glance over at the clock, his eyes widened. of course, it made sense that with all of the progress he’d made, the earth had continued to spin, and time continued to pass, but the thought hadn’t occurred until his worries over that phone call with his parents had been set outside of his mind completely.

by the time he’d lost himself in the music again, and come to calling it quits, sung had what he’d call a song. it was a draft of a song, imperfect in the ways that moving quickly and centered around creativity were, but it was a song nonetheless.

the lyrics had come back around a hundred times, having started with just his family, that topic had opened up a new world of thoughts. where he had come from, how his family had influenced the man he was the, if that man was someone he was pleased with, even now. convoluted as he’d tried to avoid earlier in that day, the lyrics came back to something flowing and ever-changing, however, this time, sung thought it was the right move. it read like stream of consciousness.

that was where the album ended up, at the point sung had come back to the song to fully finish it off, with intention to add it to said album. if this album was a novel, it was a first person style story, feeling like reading someone’s diary -without all the hearts over the i’s. being in someone’s head, and getting the unfiltered view of what they were seeking, wasn’t something sung felt entirely comfortable sharing, not at this point in his journey. however, his quickly written song, sapped full of emotion, was as close as he could show. he thought it was pretty decent. good. no, he’d call it great, if only for how well it fit in the idea he’d had in mind.

mixing, in this case, with such a simple song, was... kind of a bore. sung’s mind had wandered around to thinking of his schedules, people he worked with, those he worked with that he considered more like friends, or more, but wherever his mind went, it still came back to thinking of his family.

a glimmer of hope pulsed out light in his chest, as an ill-lit lighthouse, seeking for those he was born unto, to dock nearby. he hoped with this song, they could listen, and would understand him, for once.

words alone were never enough in the choi family. frankly, his father preferred to let upset fester, while never talking about it, unless it was absolutely necessary. maybe in the form of music, in the passion that sung had worked the last decade on, lightbulbs would click on in their head.

when sung felt satisfied with where the song had ended up, he added it to a folder, called ‘title’. in the folder, were now nine songs, chapter by chapter. he called up the producer he’d been working most closely with for the album, and asked if they had time to open their email, and go through his album together before he sent it off to the company as a whole for review.

the producer suggested tracklist changes, and a few spots in the production of happiness that could use some touching up. after so many months, so much of his life, and this producer’s life, having been spent on working on this, there wasn’t much else to say. it was a silence like sung had never really experienced before, not even with in sensitivity.

this was it.

all he needed was to send it off.

“-ah, by the way, did you have album title suggestions you were gonna send along?”

sung stuttered, unsure.

“why not name it after that track? that’s the whole point of the song, isn’t it? you wanna kinda trick people.”

“you don’t,” sung readjusted in his chair and picked at the fabric of his pants, “think it’s too simple?”

“sometimes, simple is the right way to go.”

#fmdverification #if u read this no u didnt <3 #self para #era: happiness #i might have mistagged the other verifs Without the para tag but its 2am so GN #future demi can handle that

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pynkhues · 5 years ago

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7 ( beth and rio )

#7 - “I can’t do this without you.”

Set in The Centre and Circumference / Domestic Fic universe

(Set a few years down the line. This one gets a little racy in the second scene, just FYI ;-) )

There had been a time, one that sometimes Beth forgets ever was, when Annie and Ruby had both been mothers, and Beth had been - -

Well.

She’s not entirely sure what she’d been. Still Annie’s guardian, she supposes, but Annie had just had Sadie, had moved in with Greg and his parents, who doted on the baby and struggled with Annie, and of course she was still Ruby’s best friend, but Ruby was so in love with Stan and together they were so in love with new baby Sara, and so Beth had meandered between both of their lives, offering help, knitting blankets and booties and swaddles, making dinners, looking over cribs while Annie and Ruby napped or showered.

And she knew she was needed, knew that Annie and Ruby both wanted her around, but everything was different, with these two new little humans in the world. Annie and Ruby were different.

Annie and Ruby shed any recklessness or selfishness (at least temporarily in Annie’s case), and became the sorts of patron saints Beth was used to hearing about in school. Doting figures hunched over cribs and cradles, the same words on their tongues like a prayer:

“I could watch her all day.”

They’d both said it, Annie and Ruby, separately and together, over and over again like something they were well-versed in, often glassy eyed, soft smiled, the exhaustion on their faces somehow only making them sweeter, and it wasn’t long before Beth felt it urgently.

Or rather – that she felt the need to feel it.

Besides, it’s not like Dean would ever say no to sex and he was open about thinking a baby would be good for her (even said it once, a little drunk, feeling her up in the backseat of his car – “I mean, it would give you something to do all a day, huh?”) but it had taken longer than she’d expected, and the pregnancy had been harder, and by the time the midwife had put Kenny in her arms, she hadn’t felt a thing.

So she’d waited.

Waited for that urge to hit to watch him, cling to him, to look at him the same way Annie and Ruby looked at Sadie and Sara, and the less she’d felt the more desperately she’d wanted it, the more furiously her failure had rooted in her, and she couldn’t tell Annie and Ruby, and she couldn’t tell Dean, and so she’d hidden all the nothing she felt as deeply as she could and weathered it alone.

Weathered it until one night Kenny had wriggled up her chest, his breath soft and wet against her neck, his little nose snuffling as her body ached below him, as her nipples had been chafed raw from his demanding mouth, the smell of dirty diapers thick in her nose, and he’d just - - yawned, and the feeling had been so perfect and god, she’d made him, her, not anybody else, not really, and she hadn’t realised she’d been crying until the tears had soaked into the back of his romper.

After that, she’d felt it too much, felt it raw, like a livewire in her, her eldest son, bright eyed and sweet and hers and the point is, moments like now?

Beth could watch him forever right now.

Watch him from the doorway to his room, sitting on the edge of his bed in his pyjamas, sneakers kicked off and upturned on the floor, his back hunched as his fingers work too quickly over the cell phone she really hadn’t wanted to buy him (it had been Rio in the end who’d talked her round – albeit barely – “Shit, ma, he’s almost fifteen. Besides, I can get one of my boys to put a tracker on it.”), the light from the screen glowing at his chin.

“Who’re you texting?” she asks quietly, breaking the silence, and Kenny instantly drops his cell, face down, into his bed. He shrugs, not even looking back at her, and she has only a few moments to worry that he’s not going to reply at all, when he caves.

“Just Sadie,” he says. “He gets it. That’s all.”

Beth makes a noise of agreement, because it’s good, she thinks. Sadie would get it. Just - - she’s also not entirely sure what Sadie’s opinion of Dean is. He’s about as restrained with his opinion as Annie is open with hers, even more so now he’s knocking on the door of seventeen, and really Beth has no idea where he’s learnt that from (after all – it isn’t like Greg hasn’t always been transparent, even if he’s a little quieter about it than Annie).

“I’m glad you can talk to him,” Beth says, and Kenny does look back at her then, properly this time, and she can’t quite contain her relief when Kenny smiles softly back at her.

“Me too,” he tells her, and Beth smiles in reply. “You can come in if you want.”

It’s more than she expected, but Beth hides her surprise, taking the invitation for what it is (she just wants to be respectful of his space, now that he’s getting older) and stepping into Kenny’s bedroom. She glances around for somewhere to sit, but then, that’s only more upsetting, when she sees Kenny’s freshly empty suitcase on the floor by his desk, and god, he must’ve unpacked the second Judith had dropped them back here. Then again, it’s not like he hasn’t had the time. Beth’s spent most of the night trying to calm Danny and Emma down, who were both weepy with frustration and hurt, while Rio let Jane pummel his chest with her fists before taking her outside to try and run off some of her tantrum-throwing energy with Buddy.

“It wasn’t all bad,” Kenny says, and Beth looks over at him, watching as he grabs his phone off the bed beside him, sliding it into his lap. It takes her a moment to realise that he’s making room for her, and she quickly takes him up on it, sitting on the bed beside him. “There was like, this festival on, and we had corndogs and Dad won Emma this huge pink teddy bear at this like, strong man machine. It was pretty cool.”

It had sounded pretty cool when Dean had told her about it on the phone too when he’d been regaling her with the plans for the week (a fix-it after last month, when he’d left the kids at his mom’s for a week because he’d forgotten about a boat show in Seattle he just couldn’t miss now that he owned the boat rental place in South Haven). Of course, he’d neglected to mention that his new girlfriend would be going with them – Katie Elm – who from Annie’s thorough social media search was a pageant mom and a waxing technician with a bad nose job but a picture-perfect smile.

Beth sighs, twisting her fingers a little at her thighs, before turning around to look at Kenny. To take in the imperfect slope of his nose, his messy hair, his long, gangly legs, and god, he’s going to be as tall as Dean before his birthday at this rate. Mostly though she just takes in the tug at his lips and the glassiness of his eyes.

“It was unfair of him,” she says quietly. “To spring his new girlfriend on you like that.”

“They’re getting married,” Kenny replies promptly, and Beth blinks in surprise at that, her own eyes widening before she tries to stimmy her shock, because - - well, that part of it is news to her. “The others don’t know. Dad only told me because he asked me to be his best man.”

And of course he did, Beth thinks, resisting the urge to get to her feet and drive all the way out to South Haven and murder him, because he must’ve known it - - that it’d be the fastest way to get Kenny on board. For the other kids to fall in line behind him.

“What did you say?”

“Yes,” Kenny says miserably, looking away. “I didn’t want to upset him. He was really happy.”

And that’s enough to make Beth exhale sharply. She can practically see Ruby and Annie on her shoulders, angel and devil – it’s between Kenny and Dean – it’s between Dean and whatever blunt object Beth can get her hands on. Still, she forcibly smooths her hands down over her thighs.

“I’m sure your dad will get you a nice suit,” she tries, and Kenny only looks more miserable.

“They’ve already decided it’s going to be tropical themed. We’re wearing shorts and those seashell necklaces we got in Hawaii.”

And just - -

Well.

The mental image alone might fuel Annie until the end of time itself.

Beth shakes her head in resignation.

“Well then I’ve got nothing.”

It’s enough to make Kenny burst out laughing, surprised, and Beth starts giggling too, before she can help it, because god, trust Dean to make life just this absurdity and she really needs to dial it back, because the last thing she wants is to upset Kenny more, when suddenly he adds:

“He doesn’t want us around anymore.”

The words hang heavy in the air between them, thick with intent, even as Kenny had sort of half-laughed them, and Beth just sighs, her own laughter dead on her tongue, because she can’t exactly say that he’s wrong. Their custody schedule’s been all over the place for the better part of a year – their original plan of two weeks with one parent, two weeks with the other, has rapidly turned into more and more time at Beth and Rio’s, because Dean has work, a date, is going on holiday, and honestly it wouldn’t bother her – she’d have the kids always if she could – but Dean doesn’t seem to want to tell her until the last possible minute. Like he wants to pretend that his ‘bro’s trip’ with his brother to Vegas was something they thought up on the fly – not something she knows he would’ve had to book months out.

“Your dad is - - simple,” Beth says, and at Kenny’s look, Beth laughs. “Not like that. What I mean is he’s a - - a meat and potatoes kind of guy. And life isn’t always meat and potatoes. Sometimes it’s a special sort of curry, with lots of different ingredients, and he just…doesn’t always understand how to eat that, so he tries to make it meat and potatoes, and when that doesn’t work, he just sort of - -”

She flails briefly, trying to find the words, when Kenny fills in for her.

“Throws all the other ingredients out that’s not meat and potatoes.”

“I was gonna say flip the table,” Beth says a little dryly, and it’s enough to make Kenny laugh, but it’s a little sad, and Beth looks back at him, taking in his big blue eyes, his mussed hair, and just - - god, he really does look like Dean. “He loves you. He really does. He’s just - - rearranging his plate at the moment, and he doesn’t realise the potatoes are falling off it. But he will. And then he’ll - - he’ll fix it. I know he will.”

And she imbues it with as much belief as she can because just - - she has to believe it. She doesn’t know what the alternative is, or maybe she does. Maybe she looks at Dean and the kids and sees the same cycle of affection and fun and betrayal and crushing disappointment that was her marriage but then - - no, she thinks. The kids have got each other, and her, and now they’ve got Rio too, and that was more than she had in those twenty years.

“Thanks, mom.”

Beth smiles softly, leans in to kiss his forehead, and is happier than she can say when he squirms away, making a retching sound in the back of his throat, because at least it means he’s feeling better. She slips easily up off the bed, tossing his sheets down and gesturing him in with a flick of her head, and he rolls his eyes at her, but slides in anyway, letting her tuck him in, letting her pluck his phone out of his grip and plug it into the charger. Even lets her give him another kiss.

She’s at the door, just about ready to flick the light off, when Kenny’s voice sounds behind her.

“Hey, mom? I know I’m not supposed to be here, and it’s not our usual Sunday, but would Rio be okay if we played tennis at the club tomorrow?”

Beth blinks, surprised, although she shouldn’t be. She knows how much Kenny loves playing tennis with Rio, how much Rio likes it too, how much he’d taken to teaching Kenny how to do it (“At least I know there’s one good student in your gene pool, mama,” he’d told her once when Beth had managed somehow to hit herself in the head with a racket.

“I’m yet to be sure there’s a good teacher in yours,” she’d replied snidely, snatching the ice pack out of his hands when he’d offered it.)

“I don’t see why he wouldn’t be,” she tells Kenny now, and she can see his smile even after she turns out the light.

“Don’t say it,” Beth says with a groan the second she gets to their room to find Rio still awake in their bed. She toes off her slippers by the bedroom door and shrugs out of her cardigan while Rio makes a production out of not looking up from his book, sprawled out in their bed, shirtless (because god forbid he wear anything even with a houseful of kids and the temperature plummeting in the evenings). She refuses to look too closely at him though because she’s not sure how she’d react to seeing tiny, Jane-fist-sized bruises there, or really even just his smooth, toned chest, which frankly might be worse right now.

Beth’s not sure. It’s been a long night.

“Oh, I ain’t sayin’ nothin’,” Rio replies from the bed, his voice deep, flipping the page on his book, and Beth squints at him as she walks past the bed into the en suite. She really should just shower, she thinks, peel herself out of her clothes which are crumpled from hugs and a little spotty with children’s tears, and slide herself into bed, but the bath is calling her and before she can stop herself, she drops in the plug, a generous squeeze of bubbles and runs it.

Thing is, none of this is a surprise.

Annie and Ruby (and Stan, although he’d deny it) have more or less been betting on how soon Dean would re-marry since Beth signed the divorce papers, and the fact that he’s lasted this long has been a feat in itself. Still, it’s disappointing, she thinks, pulling off her blouse before unhooking her bra. Stepping out of her jeans.

He’d really seemed like he’d grown up. That he wanted to focus on the kids and rebuilding his life after the divorce, and even more so after seeing her so settled with Rio. He’d taken the school hunt seriously, and the holidays, had made an effort at every step along the way, but this backslide had been a slow crawl, she thinks, and now they were in the thick of it before she even realised. Dean the Boat Guy with his pageant-mom-trophy-wife and his Tropicana wedding and his seeing his kids once in a blue moon and just - -

Beth exhales, rubbing at her face, pulling off her panties and stepping into the bath.

At least she can always trust this to make her feel better, she thinks, easing down into the water. It’s almost too perfect. She’d always liked lavender soaks, but her and Rio had ended up in a geranium bath while staying at a hotel in New York for meetings, and to say she’d fallen in love with the scent was probably an understatement. Rio had seemed to like it too – or rather, liked the memories of that New York hotel tub that the smell of geraniums now sparked (hell, the tub was big, and it had these massage jets that they somehow managed to get just right against her clit while he fucked her and just - - Beth clenches her thighs together, because now is really not the time).

The hot water laps over her legs, belly, breasts, the bubbles parting around her, and Beth wriggles down until she’s comfortable, flicking off the water and resting her head on the back of the tub. Letting her eyes slip shut, she tries to push all thoughts of Dean out of her head, which would be easier if she didn’t feel Rio wanting to say something from their bedroom, or - -

Not their bedroom, Beth realises, opening her eyes, spotting him propped against the en suite doorframe, leaning sideways, watching her, or rather, watching her breasts bob above the water. She looks at him, squints, before moving the bubbles to better cover herself, because she’d rather not be totally exposed when he inevitably starts his lecture.

“You gotta lay down new rules, mami,” he says, like he knew she knew, and Beth rolls her eyes, (badly) suppressing a groan. Rio powers through regardless, waving an arm out at her. “Because, see, you ain’t enforcin’ the old ones, so he’s just gonna keep doin’ whatever the fuck he wants, and those kids of yours are gonna be feelin’ the effect of that.”

“Thought you ain’t sayin’ nothin’,” Beth says, imitating his voice, and Rio exhales sharply, squinting down at her in that irritated way that he does whenever she imitates him.

“I ain’t,” he says, gritting his teeth, and Beth arches an eyebrow up at him. “But that dumbass ex o’ yours - - ”

“Is getting married,” Beth replies, refocusing her gaze on the ceiling, and at least that’s enough to make Rio be quiet. It was a dirty trick, and she thinks they both know it, but still - - she just didn’t have it in her for Rio to tell her what she already knew, to have to justify (again) her inaction when it came to Dean.

Rio sighs above her, and she can feel him trying to catch her gaze, but she keeps it fixed steadily on the ceiling, briefly wishing for cracks or cobwebs or anything beyond the pristine surface there to distract herself, only something must distract her, because she doesn’t realise Rio’s undressed or even moved at all until he’s nudging her forwards and slipping into the bath behind her. He pulls her gently back against his chest.

“You’re surprised,” she tells him softly, letting her head loll back onto Rio’s shoulder, her eyes slip shut, feeling his hands stroke down her arms, one coming back up to cup her breast.

“Surprised he managed to trick another woman into gettin’ saddled with his ass, sure,” he replies easily, and Beth huffs out a laugh, beyond the point of being offended by anything Rio says about her and Dean’s marriage.

“You wanna beat him down the aisle?”

And just - - what?

Beth’s eyes snap back open, and she spins a little in the water to look at him, and it’s unfair, the mirth in his eyes, but also the - - something. She can’t quite read it, god, still can’t quite ever know him fluently, so she just squints at him.

“If that was a proposal, it was really lacking,” she tells him dryly, and Rio just laughs, leaning in to kiss her, before spinning her back around, pulling her back against his chest. One of his hands squeezes firmly at her breast while the other sinks lower, slipping between her folds so quickly, so easily, it’s enough to make her breath hitch.

“Better up my game then,” he hums against her ear, and Beth rolls her eyes, squirming back against him when his practiced fingers find her clit, circling, and Beth’s leg flails briefly out of the water, enough to make Rio laugh, roughening his touch on her, and god, it’s almost embarrassing, she thinks, heat bursting between her legs, her back arching against his chest, even as his fingers roughly twist her nipple, how quickly he can show her the edge and push her over it.

She gasps, tumbling over her orgasm, struggling to catch her breath, and it takes her a minute to finally flail a hand back and slap him half-heartedly in the face.

“Rude,” she tells him, and Rio just laughs again, hand promptly moving back to her clit, and she has to grab him by the wrist because she could go again (god, could she), but that’s not what this is. She sits back, feeling him half-hard behind her, and - - later, she thinks, sitting back just enough he can grind a little against her if he wants, but not enough to necessarily invite it. Not that he seems to ever really take anything she does as not an invitation.

“These last few months have been really messy,” she says instead, before she can let the lust wriggle back into her brain, and it’s enough to stop him shifting closer behind her. He sighs, slipping his wrist out of her grip, turning up his hand, entwining their fingers instead. “I never even asked if you were okay with it. With my kids staying here more, I mean.”

Rio doesn’t reply to that, and Beth’s not entirely sure she was expecting him to. Still, it makes her frown, makes her forehead furrow even as she disentangles their hands, pushing his to rest just on top of the water surface, her fingers tracing patterns into his broad palm.

“That you askin’?” his voice is laden with amusement, and Beth huffs, but feels her toes curl a little against the porcelain of the tub beneath her, because they’ve been together for years now, and this bit - - she’s still - -

“’Course,” he tells her, cutting off her thoughts like he knew she was about to get too into them. “Love the noise, love the kids, you know that. What I don’t like is that dumbass ex of yours actin’ like he’s doin’ us a favour every time he gets his mom to pick ‘em up and drive ‘em down to Lake Shithole for him, and what I especially don’t like is watchin’ you have to turn around when he dumps ‘em here early again, after not even botherin’ to tell us that he was gonna be introducin’ ‘em to the flavour of the month.”

“Forever flavour now,” Beth says, tapping at his pulse point, and Rio shifts behind her.

“Yeah? Somethin’ tells me forever don’t keep its flavour long in his mouth.”

And well, isn’t that the truth. Beth bites the inside of her cheek, smoothing her hand over his, until they fit almost neatly together, or not neatly, Beth thinks. His is big beneath hers, dark and steady and so familiar now Beth can feel it on every inch of her.

“I’ll talk to him,” she tells his hand, and Rio promptly entwines their fingers again.

“Want to take Demon to scare the shit outta him?”

It’s enough to startle a laugh out of Beth, suddenly struck with the memory of Dean at Emma’s birthday party last year, watching Demon with all his tattoos and piercings and thug energy give Emma piggy back rides across the yard, careful not to mess up the sparkly white tulle of her Cinderella dress.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll call him tomorrow,” she says, and then sits up a little straighter, the thought of tomorrow sparking the reminder. “Oh! Before I forget, Kenny was wondering if you’d be up for tennis tomorrow.”

Rio just hums easily in affirmation.

“Already booked us, ma. Figured the kid mighta needed it.”

And it just hits her – so suddenly, so hard in the chest, just like it did all those years ago, Kenny yawning at her chest. The overwhelming feeling of love only - - more than love, she thinks, because she knew she loved Rio, only this, it’s - - a new sort of wholeness, of completeness, and it strikes her suddenly, how little she’d felt at the thought of Dean getting married.

How much she feels here, like this, talking about her son’s tennis lessons, with him.

Beth’s fingers are tightening on his before she can help it, her breaths suddenly feeling heavy, and she just - - she doesn’t know how to get him any closer.

Doesn’t know how she can ever let him away from her.

“How’d I do any of this without you?” she asks him, before she can overthink it, and Rio presses his lips to the skin where her jaw hinges.

“Same way you done everythin’ else,” he tells her easily. “You woulda gotten it done. Just with not as much style.”

Beth just laughs thickly at that, everything in her softening, and she sinks her free hand behind her in the water, running up his thigh. She thinks of saying it – that she thinks maybe she would’ve – could’ve – done all of this without him – the new house, leaving Dean, the new life, just - - she’s not sure if she’d have their messy history any other way, not sure if she can even stomach the thought of any sort of future without him anymore. That she likes him beside her (even when he’s technically behind her), likes all the ways he reminds her that they’re partners without even meaning to, just - - likes him.

She slides her hand up, just enough to brush his cock with the tips of her fingers, when suddenly she finds herself practically propelled out of the water, pulled up out of it so rapidly that she flails forwards and he has to grab her to stop her from keeling over, spinning her around and lifting her out of the tub.

“Nup,” he says. “Remember last time? Rather fuck you properly, mami.”

And okay, last time had been a total disaster, but that was only because she’d managed to simultaneously overflow the tub and basically give them third degree burns by accidentally flipping on the tap mid-thrust. It was the geranium bubble bath. She was convinced of it. It made them both insane.

“We are getting old,” she allows. “Remember how you complained about your knees for a week.”

“Rather feel my knees than hear you bitch about your neck,” he tells her, walking them out of the en suite and depositing her gracelessly onto the bed, and god, the sheets are going to be so wet, but then again, she thinks with a grin as Rio grabs her by the thighs and pushes them up around her ears, so is she.

#beth x rio #the center and circumference #my fic #prompt fills #i know i said i was going to get the other one done tonight too #but i have to be at work early tomorrow now #sorry!#will defs get it done tomorrow though :-)#hope this one tides you over in the mean time

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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kai06leaf replied to your post:

Ended up all night, with sleep derailed by a RUDE...

Um I had asked for a link for your batman related works?:)

Oh score, this is actually weirdly timely then! FlashinthePan is my Batfam pseudonym (https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashInThePan/works), its just it hasn’t been useful for much other than to use my bookmarks page there as a fics rec list. Since the only other things still up on it are the YJ WIP I haven’t updated in a couple years and an elephant’s graveyard collection for the random ficlets I often write on here while forgetting they’re usually long enough to be actual one-shots...and that I then forget to actually add to that one, that I created for the specific purpose of putting all those in one place. My mind. Its just....*staggers at the Legend of it all*

I’ve been on a pretty committed “No more posting unfinished WIPs kick” for the past couple years but am finally at a point where I have stuff to post without cheating, so that streak officially ends today, when I finish my read-through of the first fic* in question and hit publish. “The Requiem Rites of Robins,” the ten chapter first story in an AU Battle For the Cowl fix-it series, “A Legacy of Robins,” with TRRoR being roughly 40K, focuses on Dick and Jason and their issues with each other and Bruce’s believed death, picking up and going AU at an indeterminate time not long after the end of BFTC.

Specific goals of focus with this particular fic were addressing Bruce’s bullshit last will and testament to Jason (ugh), the eternally unremarked upon moment that was Dick watching his brother refuse to take his hand and instead fall to what at the time must have seemed very likely to be Jason’s second death, in a pretty fucked up parallel to his parents’ death (ugh), various other unaddressed issues between the brothers that kept them making like they were Cain and Abel instead of two people who loved each other and very much could use each other while grieving for their father or even just pretending they weren’t....and also steadfastly jumping their combined train of events well off the tracks before Morrison’s whole...”Jason” thing ever happened at all (ugh).

Just a headsup for readers for whom certain characterizations of Bruce are a dealbreaker - full disclosure, this fic and its sequels do consider various less pleasant moments between Bruce and his two eldest to be in character and canon, with NTT #55 and the ending to UTRH the most touched upon and relevant. For what its worth, my intention there (and hopefully my execution of things) was not to vilify or bash Bruce, or to make it at all a question of whether or not both really loved Bruce and he them.

To be clear...I do categorize Bruce’s actions towards Dick and Jason at those times/specific others as abusive, but a huge part of my reason for even writing this particular fic was to explore and examine the reality of loving a parent even despite a history of actually abusive behavior on their parts. Of how to mourn for someone you loved at some times and hated at others, who was both the person who made you feel whole again and the one who made you at other times feel the most broken.

Especially when you’re two people who pride themselves on being heroes, who are ‘supposed to know’ that there’s no defense, no excuse for some of the things their father did, but that doesn’t always change or erase how much they want to. And who are both looking for an answer in the other, as to how they’re supposed to live with the fact that deep down, there’s a part of them that will always still be those ten and twelve year old orphan boys who came to believe their father was a man who could literally do the impossible...even mend what was broken, make things right with them and the world as they knew it just like he’d managed once before, when he’d first come into their lives and they’d been just as certain then that there were no more happy moments in their futures at all.

And with the both of them still, even after everything, having held onto that secret hope that someday he was going to find the secret loophole, the magic words that let them forgive him, that let them let the past all just be in the past and the future all that really mattered, that their best days as a family weren’t all behind them yet and there was still time for things to be different, for him to be different....because their dad wasn’t like other ordinary dads, their dad was the Batman, he was a superhero.....

....who was also still just a man, and sometimes men die with their most important deeds still left incomplete.

This first story is centered firmly on just Dick and Jason, because I have a tendency to let things get too widespread and expansive plot-wise the more characters I focus on, and because this first story, about mourning Bruce and finding a way to move on, needed to be just Dick and Jason, although Cass and Tim and Damian, as well as Steph and Babs and Alfred all have things in the wake of his believed death that IMO they needed explored, and that were never explored in canon. But Dick and Jason had to be the first two and a solo act except for each other, especially as this series is still geared towards Bruce’s eventual return, and just to a much different status quo....because the thing about Dick and Jason at this specific point in time, is that they were quite possibly the only two people in the world who would ever have the relationship with Bruce that they did, to see him the way they both at times did, and nobody else ever fully grasped.

They knew him at his highest and his lowest points, the best parts of him and the worst, the center of their whole universes and the destroyer of them....and for them, at this place and time, its about being forced to realize that for as much as come between them over the years, they each are the only ones who will ever fully be able to speak to the entirety of their father as not just Bruce Wayne, the Batman, the myth and the legend, but Bruce the man, the flawed father who was supposed to be better than his worst mistakes with them, because he was supposed to be a hero.

Even as close as others were to Bruce, there were specific slants to the light they saw him in....for Alfred, even when making his worst mistakes, he was still his son, for Cass he was still the father who fought her personal demon not because of what he wanted her to be but so that she could be who she wanted to be, for Tim, he was imperfect but still larger than life, the hero he’d still first only come to know through the lens of a camera from a great distance, a perspective he’d yet to entirely shake, and for Damian he was still largely a figure of make believe, a bed time story he’d been told all his life.

There’s an inherent goodness, a nobleness around the idea of Bruce for most others in his life, that defies coming face to face with the realities his failings could be.....which only Dick and Jason could ultimately attest to, as losing the ability to keep sight of that innate shine was why they’d found themselves so disillusioned by their father at the lowest points between them. And so in a lot of ways, the ultimate goal of writing this fic was trying to get Dick and Jason to a point where they could share their full, messy, complicated as hell feelings about their father with each other, but simultaneously feel a need to preserve the way each of their siblings still saw him, because the truth is that if there’d been someone who could have preserved that shine for their own eyes, to keep their memories of him clear and unobstructed by complication....they would have been glad to have been left just missing Bruce their father, and not the mess of feelings forever tied up in a Gordian knot upon by his death.

So yeah. LOL. That’s the link to my Batfam works, though there hasn’t been much on their for ages, but stay tuned for Chapter One of The Requiem Rites of Robins, later today.

“In the wild, a group of robins is called a round. But Gotham’s birds have always been of a different sort, something entirely unique. And the only proper plural for them, I’ve found, is a legacy.”

An investigation leads the newly minted Batman to London, alone and without Robin’s back-up for the trip. In the past couple months, Dick Grayson has barely found time to breathe, let alone to grieve for his father and come to terms with his new role as the Dark Knight’s successor. But his distracted state leaves him vulnerable, and when a new villain’s one-man war threatens to make a casualty of him too, he’s left with no alternative but to work side by side with his rescuer - at other times better known as his brother, his successor, and a couple times his would-be killer.

(Their family always has been one of over-achievers. And if you’re going to pick a pair of brothers to play compare and contrast against with that in mind, its hard to go wrong with something biblical.)

But Dick seeming no more happy about it than he is, doesn’t do much to pick up Jason’s mood. He’s come to London for his own reasons, and no, he’s still not inclined to share. Curiosity killed the cat, but he’s sure Selina wouldn’t mind if innate nosiness knocked off a few birds here and there as well. Well-earned paranoia aside, however, secrets and cynicism can only carry them so far when the two are forced to rely on each other to fight their way free of a city turned death-trap. Both are keenly aware that the last time they’d fought side by side like this, they’d been all the way back on the other side of Jason’s first untimely death. And as far as potential omens go, that one’s about as shitty as they come.

But a mixed curse and blessing are nothing new for them, and so that’s not just a painful reminder, but also proof that things were different once. That the brothers they’ve become were not always the brothers they were supposed to be. It was time and pain and bloody loss that weighed them both down so much further than the altitudes that came most naturally....not fate, or destiny, or even them. And as their new enemy forces them deeper and deeper below ground, it becomes all the more clear there’s only one skill in either of the brothers’ arsenals that will see them through to the other side of all this:

And only if they can not just remember, but rediscover, how to shed all of that and finally fly free again.

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taeken-my-heart · 5 years ago

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Independent {f} Chapter 15

Summary: Your mom calls you stubborn, your friends call you wild, and the boys you’ve left in your wake call you a frigid bitch. You’ve built a life of independence and you like it that way. Kim Taehyung, however; seems to be able to change your mind.

Pairing: Taehyung x ReaderGenre: fluff, mild angst

Word Count: 5152

Warnings: Ongoing themes of death. Her father is always mentioned briefly.

**There is a read more linked but it doesn’t seem to be working and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m sorry! TT

~~~~~

~ 2 months later ~

March brought with it weather that was warm enough to allow for apple blossoms to bloom and an improved attitude in the general population. There was a tendency during the dead of winter to let the gloom of the skies seep into your skin, but with spring there was a new beginning.

It was a Thursday, and as such, you didn’t have your first class until 1pm so you’d slipped on your boots and a jacket over your sweater before grabbing your camera bag and heading out the door. With flowers blooming, there was new opportunity to add to your growing portfolio so you moved away from campus and towards the park. The edges of the lake were surrounded by vibrant cherry blossoms and violet larkspur. The ice had melted from the water leaving it crystal clear and inviting.

You’d purchased a new tripod only a few days ago and were anxious to give it a try. Your mom and Paul had been kind enough to give you some money to purchase a nice one, otherwise you would have had to make do with the $10 one you’d bought off Amazon 3 three years ago that had honestly seen better days.

There was a lot more sun to accompany the new warmth of the season and it made for incredibly beautiful pictures. You found a spot overlooking a small creek, setting up your tripod amongst a crop of trees and trying to decide what angle you were wanting to take. You knew that with spring came not only new blooming flowers, but new litters of animals and this park was always prone to an abundance of rabbits.

While some people thought they were a nuisance, that was mostly in areas with homes where they would nibble and ruin the gardens. In this park, they were absolutely lovely and you were really hoping to get some good pictures, if you could spot any. They were a beautiful part of nature and you really loved highlighting that sort of thing. It wasn’t the level of excitement that a fashion show in Paris could bring, but for you it was just as good.

The sunlight was perfect this time of morning. High enough to wake the world, but not so high that the trees couldn’t block it out with their tops. It cast a beautiful shadow over the ground and you peered through your camera’s viewfinder to decide where you wanted to aim first.

This park was wonderful in that it was large and brought up the rear of a forest on the outskirts of campus. It was home to a lot of wild life and in the edges of the trees you spotted a doe and her fawn.

You smiled, setting your camera onto your new tripod and focusing the lens towards the mother and her baby. Two doe eyes, captured in the memory of your camera for your viewing pleasure. You pulled your gaze away from the viewfinder, glancing down into the display at the image that awaited you.

~~~~~

Most of the morning was spent exploring the forest. The winter made a habit of separating man and nature from one another and you’d spent far too much time trapped indoors and not nearly enough outside exploring what the world had to offer you and your camera. This semester so far was helping you to remedy that fact.

You had more time on your hands and in an effort to get over Taehyung, you’d become more inclined to spend time doing your favorite thing. It had been healing in all the best ways and it had also given you the time and privacy to evaluate your feelings on everything that happened. For a while you’d blamed yourself a lot, really been hard on yourself about the way you’d reacted to the situation, but over time you began to cut yourself some slack.

You’d come to realize that your fear of commitment stemmed from your fear of the lack of control you had over things that were important to you, specifically your heart and the people that filled it.

It wasn’t just from when your dad died, though that had made a big impact, but it was also from just feeling like you couldn’t control the outcomes of your relationships. You’d seen a lot of people open themselves up over the years and in the end, they’d gotten hurt. It was hard to want to leave yourself vulnerable to that sort of thing in your own life.

It seemed like less and less people wanted to put in effort these days and at first you had denied that you fit in that category, but you soon realized that you were prime candidate. The fear of failure and the fear of not being accepted for exactly who you were had caused you to decide that not trying and protecting yourself was a much better option than anything else.

It seemed silly now, to think that those were thoughts that had been plaguing you for years; that somehow the broken pieces of your heart would be so unlovable that you needed to shield yourself away. You didn’t love people any less for their flaws and imperfections so why were you holding yourself to such an unreasonable standard?

Learning to love yourself was going to take a lifetime of practice, but you’d realized with pleasure that loving yourself enough to allow others to love you too was going to be an exciting adventure. And Danielle was right, daily mirror pep talks had been such a help. It had been so weird at first, but it was nice to remind yourself of the things you liked about who you were and to find new things, too.

After packing your equipment up, you made your way back to the house, dropping off your things and getting your school bag ready. You grabbed a binder off your desk, pulling it towards you and pausing when a piece of paper fell down onto the carpet of your bedroom.

You sigh, stuffing the binder into your bag and shuffling around to the other side of the chair to pick up the paper by the leg of your desk. It wasn’t paper, though, and as you flipped it over you realized it was a picture that you’d printed out months ago, back when you’d thought maybe you and Taehyung could work things out.

You’d prepared a big long speech to try and convince him of how sorry you were and even printed out this picture to give to him; the picture you’d taken on the first night he’d ever spoken to you.

He was so beautiful, lips peeled back into a smile, eyes nearly closed in his mirth as he danced with a couple friends and one of the dancers from the fall festival. It seemed like so long ago, but really it had only been a little over 5 months. You’d thought it would be a nice little gift; the picture he’d expressed interest in. You’d never been able to give it to him, though. Thinking of him still hurt, so you stuffed the picture back into the binder now taking residence in your bag and fastened the clip into place.

You still had 30 minutes before you needed to head out for class, but you were bored, so you slung your bag over your shoulder and began to make your way onto campus. People were sitting out in the quad, enjoying the sun and the new warmth it brought with it. You didn’t think it was quite warm enough to be sitting out in the grass for long periods of time, but you couldn’t fault people for craving the fresh air that the outdoors brought.

You’d made it half way through the quad before a familiar tuft of dark hair was making its way towards you and like you were on autopilot, you called out his name, walking carefully over to him when he looked up at you. His eyes were warm when they landed on you and it made your heart want to burst in your chest.

Maybe there was at least hope for a friendship.

“Hi.” You breathed, stopping in front of him. He looked down at you, smile quirking the corner of his lips and this time you allowed your heart to race wildly. It felt like it had been forever since you’d seen that beautiful smile.

“Hi.” He repeated; hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans.

“Um,” you cleared your throat, “Hi. How are you? How have you been?”

He smiled again, this time a little fuller. “I’m good, how are you?”

“Yeah, I’m OK,” you shrugged, then shook your head. “No, you know what, I’m good. I’ve been spending a lot of time taking pictures and it’s given me a lot of space to really think through everything I’ve had going on inside. So yeah, I’m good.”

“I’m really glad to hear that,” Taehyung smiled and you couldn’t help but return the gesture, “you deserve to feel good.”

“Thank you, Taehyung.” You whispered, staring down at the floor, “you do too. I hope…I hope you’ve been good, that you’ve been happy.”

“I have been.” He nodded and your heart clutched; bittersweet. You were glad he was happy, you only wished it could have been you to contribute to that.

“H-how’s Beth?” You asked hesitantly. You really hoped he wouldn’t think your intentions were bad; this time you really did want to wish them well.

“Ah,” He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “Actually, we broke up about a month ago.”

“Oh!” You could feel your heart drop into the pit of your stomach. That was not at all the answer you’d thought he’d give and your heart ached for him. “Tae…Taehyung, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he smiled, waving it away, “it was a pretty mutual decision. We just didn’t mesh the way we’d thought we would.”

“Oh, well I’m glad you don’t feel bad about it.” You said softly. Just then you remembered the picture in your bag and pulled it around to the front of your body quickly. “Oh, I just remembered. I have something for you.”

Taehyung’s brows furrowed in confusion and you slowly pulled the picture from your bag, holding it out to him. He took it gingerly, staring down at it like he wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at.

“It’s from the fall festival.” You explained, shrugging awkwardly as he looked from the picture to you and back again. “You said a while back that you wanted me to give you a copy, but I was pretty bad about getting it to you. I actually printed that a few months ago after I got back from Paris. I meant to give it to you but…well, anyway. I thought you might still want to have it.”

“Thank you,” he smiled up at you, fingers clutching the picture delicately. “This means a lot to me.”

“I’m glad.” You nodded, shuffling your feet underneath you. “Anyway…I, uh, I have class soon so I should probably go…”

“Oh, yeah, ok.” Taehyung nodded, tucking the picture into the breast pocket of his long, checkered button up. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Y/N.”

“Yeah,” you nodded, smiling, “it was really nice.” You waved awkwardly, making your way around him, heart thudding in your chest as it screamed at you to stop being such a coward. You’d taken all of three steps before you stopped and turned quickly.

“Taehyung!” He stopped, glancing at you over his shoulder and you quickly made your way back over to him.

“I would really like to go grab coffee sometime; you know, as friends. Just do some catching up.” You trailed off, voice losing all its confidence as he stared at you, the intensity of his gaze frightening all the courage right from you.

His contemplation scared you and you were just about to backtrack, take everything back and scurry into a cold dark place where you could lick your wounds anew when he smiled, nodding. “I’d like that.”

“Really?” You breathed, staring up into his dark brown eyes.

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “We could go to Grounds tonight, if you want. I’ll be out of class at 4pm.”

“OK!” You grinned, “should we meet there? I get out of class at 3:30.”

“Sounds good. Let’s plan to meet at 4:20?” He asked, adjusting the bag on his shoulder and you nodded enthusiastically.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too.” He grinned. You waved again before turning back around and heading up the hill towards your class.

~~~~~

The walk to class was quick after that, mind racing excitedly at all the possibilities that your upcoming meeting with Taehyung held. You weren’t foolish enough to believe that he’d be willing to give dating another chance after everything that had happened, but you at least hoped that the two of you could be friends again.

Today’s classes were usually pretty interesting, but they couldn’t hold a candle to the excitement you felt about later in the afternoon. Paying attention was difficult, even though everything was very hands on, your body was full of nervous energy, fingers twitching at your sides as you watched your partner do her piece of the project.

“What’s up with you today, you seem on edge?” She asked, looking back at you.

You switched your gaze towards her, snapped from your thoughts, and smiled. “Ah, I’m just meeting up with a friend that I haven’t seen in a while. I’m pretty excited.”

“Is this friend a guy?” She teased, motioning for you to take your place behind the camera and you chuckled.

“He is, but it’s not like that, I swear.”

“Sure.” She hummed and you focused on the lens of the screen, watching the people on the other side. The music department was putting on a production later in the semester and had asked your class to film a series of small ads to broadcast the show.

You were lucky to be going to a university with such a strong arts and humanities program, not everyone could say the same of their schools. Most of the universities you’d originally been looking at had focused a lot of their money into their sports programs, and while that was also important, it wasn’t what you were looking for.

“Lisa,” you said, glancing at your partner over your shoulder, “what do you think of the aspect ratio?”

~~~~~

Your last class of the day was digital art history, and while typically you liked the laid back and dimly lit lecture hall, today it was too little distraction for you. Your professor was going through slide after slide of information visualization and you’d been lost to him about 10 minutes into the lesson.

Sometimes you liked to sit in the back of the lecture hall; on days when you were tired and hadn’t gotten enough sleep. You’d close your eyes and take a 10-minute power nap, but today you’d chosen to sit in the direct front and center in order to force your attention and it still couldn’t distract your mind from later.

You’d had a whole speech planned out months ago, but now everything was different. You didn’t want him to think you couldn’t be just friends; that you only wanted to use him again. You’d give anything to show him just how willing you were to have him in your life in any form, but you weren’t sure what words to even use.

How could you show someone you cared so much about that you really just wanted them to be happy, even after causing pain? You’d learned a lot about yourself over the last few months, been much more willing to give yourself a break. Every relationship has two participating people and Taehyung had his own faults in the breakdown of the relationship as much as you did, but you hoped he’d be willing to work passed it the way that you were. If he wasn’t, well, you wanted to wish him a sincere good luck anyway.

Sometimes when you cared about a person enough, you had to be willing to let them go, even if it hurt you. You’d definitely survive without Tae if he chose to walk away…you just didn’t want to have to.

The class ended after what felt like a million years and you quickly packed your bags and made your way back into the mild weather, taking a deep breath of fresh air. You still had some time before you met up with Taehyung, it was only just after 3:30 so you made your way home quickly, determined to drop your things off and take a breather before you met up with him.

Anna was in the kitchen when you stepped into the house, dropping your jacket by the door and tossing your bag onto your bed. She was sat with a bowl of peanut butter and apples when you made your way towards her and she looked up and smiled.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much,” you said casually, opening the fridge, peering inside and then closing it, pacing your way over to the cabinets and peeking inside each one in turn.

“Um…you seem nervous.” Anna commented, turning to face you.

You smiled over your shoulder, leaning your back against the countertop and drumming the tips of your fingers against the laminate counter top. “Actually, I’m meeting up with Taehyung in around 40 minutes.”

Anna’s mouth dropped open, apple slice dropping to the floor. “Oh crap,” she grumbled, climbing out of her seat to grab the apple and throw it in the trash. “Wait, so…did you say you’re meeting up with Taehyung?”

You chuckled, nodding and she continued. “Why? I mean, not that I’m not happy for you, I just don’t understand. I’m missing a lot of details. Fill me in, woman!”

“It’s nothing crazy, I just saw him in the quad today, we talked a little bit and then I asked if he’d want to meet up sometime for a drink.”

“Wow, did he seem happy to see you?”

You smiled, nodding, “yeah, actually,” you looked down at the floor tongue running along your bottom lip. “He did seem happy to see me which is the only reason I asked. I thought maybe we could try being friends again or something.”

“I think that’s really awesome!” Anna grinned, coming over to hug you and you returned the gesture, arms tightening around her thin frame. “I’m so excited for you! Are you OK with being just friends, though?”

“Yeah,” you nodded as she stepped back from you, hands resting on the countertop, “I know he probably doesn’t trust me anymore; you know? So, I’m happy if we can be friends. Even if he decides he doesn’t want to be…as long as he’s happy.”

“I’m really proud of you.” Anna smiled, “you’ve grown a lot these last few months. You’re so much more open and willing to talk about things. Sometimes when you care about someone enough, you have to be willing to give up on the things you want, relationships can’t be selfish, you know?”

You nodded, pushing away from the countertop and going to sit at the kitchen table, Anna following behind you. “I’m starting to learn that,” you sighed, “for a long time I was afraid of relationships because I didn’t want to get hurt. You get so connected to people and then when they’re not there anymore it’s really hard to recuperate.”

“You don’t grow without hard life lessons,” Anna frowned and you mumbled your agreement.

“I guess I realized that I was being selfish with my emotions and to myself. No relationship comes easily or without work and I was holding myself back from how fulfilling relationships could be by shutting myself off.”

“It’s so easy to do.” Anna commiserated, “it’s not easy to let people in, especially when you’ve been hurt in the past. You are so normal, Y/N, I hope you know that. Everyone is holding themselves back from something.”

“You’re right, I haven’t been nice enough to myself. Right now, I’m trying to find a balance between opening up more without giving up myself. I finally realized that I’m worthy of the love that people want to give me.”

“I think you are so awesome,” Anna smiled, “you’re kicking butt and taking names.”

You laughed, shaking your head and standing. “That’s my queue to go. I need to freshen up a little before I leave.”

~~~~~

The coffee shop was welcoming in its familiarity. There was no longer a fire in the hearth, but the heating was running and you welcomed the warmth. The late afternoon had turned crisp and you only had a light jacket to keep you company.

You resisted the urge to pace, nerves like live wires under the tips of your fingers, seeking one another out as you rung your hands together, making your way to the cash register.

After ordering a small tea, you walked to a nearby seat to wait. Again, the shop was not overly occupied. There were a few customers here and there, two young women around your age sitting together by the fireplace talking animatedly with mugs of coffee in hand and smiles on their faces.

Most of the coffee shop occupants were studying with laptops and books strewn across the table. It was the perfect atmosphere for studying without the distraction of home.

Your order was called and you found a spot closer to the back of the store where you could wait. You’d arrived a few minutes early so you imagined Taehyung would be here any minute now.

Your feet bounced with nervous energy and you twisted them at the ankles to try to still your nerves. You weren’t sure why you were so worked up; you didn’t really have high expectations for this meeting or even for any type of relationship. You hoped the two of you could be friends, but you respected him enough to move on if that’s not what he wanted.

Your heart leapt into your throat as you saw him enter through the door and you smiled softly as he glanced around the room before his eyes focused on you, small, goofy smile spreading across his lips. He motioned towards and the registers and you nodded, waiting patiently while he went and placed his order before he made his way over to your table.

“Hi.” He said and you couldn’t help your grin.

“Hey.”

He sat down, smoothing down the sides of his leather jacket, fingers patting anxiously down his thighs and then clasping together in his lap.

“I’m glad you could come.” You said, twisting at the end of your shirt. Taehyung’s eyes darted to your fingers before back up to your eyes.

“Me too.”

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments before Taehyung’s name was called and he ran back up to the counter to get his drink. It felt so strange to be this weird around him, you were so used to conversation just flowing and now it felt like you were back at square one. It was a little discouraging, but to be expected. You weren’t going to let it set you back, though.

“So how are your classes?” You asked as Taehyung returned and he looked at you in surprise. You released you’d asked rather loudly and wanted to groan in frustration. “Sorry, I’m being so awkward.” You sighed.

Taehyung chuckled, sipping at his drink and shaking his head. “It’s fine. My classes are good, some are boring, others are fun. The usual. What about yours?”

“Same,” you smiled, “although most of my classes are pretty cool this semester. A lot of really hands on stuff which has been keeping me interested.”

“See, that’s what I need in my classes,” Taehyung said, leaning back in his chair, “if I’m not engaged, I lose interest so quickly. Lecture style just does not work for me.”

“How are the guys? Jimin, Jungkook. I haven’t seen them since the beginning of the semester.”

“Everyone’s good, yeah. Jimin and Jungkook have both been doing a lot of dance training recently; they both want to get into the recital next year so they’ve been fine tuning their skills and they’re often in the dance studio anytime they have a break from classes and homework.”

“That’s so exciting. I’ve never actually seen them dance so I might have to sneak by the studio sometime and try to have a peek.”

“I’ll take you sometime,” Taehyung laughed, “I’ve got the in so I know which room they practice in.”

Conversation lulled into a comfortable silence for a moment as you both sipped at your drinks and you watched Taehyung’s eyes slide closed at the taste. “So,” you cleared your throat and he shifted his eyes to yours. “How was California? I know Jin’s going be heading out when he graduates at the end of the semester, but what about you?”

“Ah, yeah, I went to California over the break to meet with the company and it was really great. I kind of feel like I have to pinch myself every day because they’re paying for the rest of my education and they pay for me to come out there during each break from school so I can get some specialized training in while I’m finishing everything up here. Once I graduate, I’ll move out there and really start getting into the meat of the company.”

“That’s really cool, Taehyung!” You grinned, “I can’t believe they’re paying for everything. It makes sense, though. Invest in your talent, you know?”

“What about you?” He asked, changing the subject quickly, “how was Paris? I’ve never been to Europe so I’m really jealous.”

“It was really good,” you nodded, “I mostly worked, but I did get to go see some tourist attractions and it was amazing. I learned a lot while I was there, not just about photography, either. I met this really amazing woman named Danielle. She was kind of like my mentor during the whole thing and we talked a lot about our life experiences and she just taught me a lot.”

“Like what?” Taehyung asked, head tilting to the side and you smiled.

“Like how to be kind to myself; how to forgive myself. I realized I was cutting myself off from a lot of things that would bring me happiness because I didn’t think I deserved it and I was afraid of the what ifs. What if something goes wrong? What if I get hurt? What if I’m taken advantage of? That kind of thing.”

“Did I ever make you feel that way?” Taehyung asked suddenly and you looked up at him, eyes wide, “because if I ever made you feel pressured or taken advantage of, I’m so sorry. I should have been more patient; I should have been more understanding.”

You could see his grip tighten on his cup and your heart squeezed in your chest.

“Stop,” you said, reaching out your hand to rest over his own, feeling his grip loosen. “I’m not here to blame you and I’m not here to blame myself, either. I blamed myself a lot after everything kind of fell apart and then I learned I wasn’t being fair. We’re not perfect people, Tae. I wasn’t good at expressing how I was feeling and I wasn’t allowing myself to understand why I was feeling that way in the first place. I’ve always been very independent, but especially after my dad died. I was afraid of putting my trust in someone who could walk away and leave me hurting. In the end, I hurt myself by being so closed off because I was limiting my potential. I also hurt you and I’m so sorry that I did. I hope you know that I really did want the same things you did; I was falling just as hard as you were, I just didn’t know how to get from point A to point B.”

Taehyung paused, staring down into his cup and you allowed the silence to sweep over you. You knew him well enough to know he needed to think and you could accept that. You’d laid yourself bare to him and you weren’t sure what to expect, but you would wait and accept his answer when it came.

“I missed you a lot.” He said suddenly. His eyes never left the drink in his cup, fingers tapping along the edges. “When I was in California, I thought about you all the time. I even tried looking on your Instagram, but you’re not very good at posting on there,” you chuckled and he smiled up at you, “sorry, that’s creepy.”

“No,” you shook your head, “I looked at yours too. For the record, I have put up more pictures recently.”

“I noticed.” He admitted with a blush and your heart warmed at the thought.

“I missed you too, Tae. You became a really good friend to me and I was devastated when I lost that.”

“You haven’t lost that.” He insisted, “you haven’t lost me.”

You paused, trying to gather your thoughts. “You know,” you said softly, picking at some fluff on your jeans, “I’d be willing to try again. To start over.”

“You’d be willing to try what again?” Taehyung asked, inching closer to the edge of his seat.

“Everything,” you admitted, “friendship…dating…honestly, I’d take whatever you’re willing to give, even just meeting up once a month for a drink and a chat. I just really miss you.”

“How about this,” he paused, lips pursing and then coming to sit beside you on the loveseat, “open communication. My feelings about you haven’t changed, but I am a little more guarded. Let’s start over. Whenever we have something on our minds, we need to say it. If you feel a little trapped, you tell me, if I feel a little insecure, I’ll tell you. Whatever it is, we’ll discuss it.”

“OK,” you nodded, “then in the interest of open communication, I have something to say.”

Taehyung smiled and you continued. “I still like you too...a lot; and right now, I really want to hold your hand.”

His fingers linked delicately with your own, eyelashes dropping down onto his cheeks as he pulled your hand into his lap. “How’s this?” He asked.

“Good.” You breathed, staring up at him, dark eyes meeting yours. “You’re so beautiful.” You whispered.

His smile was blinding as he brought your hand to his mouth leaving one small kiss to your knuckles. “So are you.” He then reached for his cup and held it up towards you. “To new beginnings.”

You grinned, grabbing your own and clinking it against his. “To new beginnings.”

~~~~~~~

This is the second to last chapter! Wow! Next chapter will be the conclusion to a story that I started in 2017. I’m excited and sad to say goodbye, but not gonna be too sad yet. We still have one more chapter! Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think. To be honest, this chapter gives me mixed feelings, but maybe that’s just because all the feelings of the OC are the ones I’m going through right now so it’s very personal.

Love you guys!

Nora

Chapter 14

Chapter 16 (finale)

#taehyung scenario #taehyung fluff #taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #taehyung angst

43 notes · View notes

lemonz-and-limez · 5 years ago

Note

can you do a really fluffy fic after their Nobel awarding ceremony? Like they do walk around Sweden and stuff... btw I miss them so bad I need more fics

A/N: It has been a minute… but I’m back! I went on a trip a few weeks ago then I got back and my health decided it wanted to play tricks on me. But I’m recovered (?) and working on my WIPs and prompts once more.

As far as one shots go, this is a long one, little more than 4500 words. I am really excited about this one and hope you guys like it. I did add some angst in the beginning (because I can’t help myself) but other than that it’s pretty fluffy in my opinion. Enjoy!

—

When Sheldon was quiet, it was because he was thinking about something or he was upset and needed to process. Often it was both, and Amy could tell that it was. His leg was bouncing furiously against her own. His eyes were firmly fixed on the table in front of him. His eyebrows were drawn into a tight knot, deep creases running in his forehead. His upper teeth were alternating between biting the left and right side of his lower lip. While their friends conversed around them, Amy kept her eyes focused on her husband.

He’d been quiet since the ceremony ended and though the first course of their meal. Now, as they waited on the main dish, Amy felt it necessary to cut through whatever thoughts plagued Sheldon’s mind.

She gently rested her hand on his thumping knee, her touch causing the movement to cease immediately. “Hey, you doing ok?” She asked, low enough for him to hear her, but not loud enough to disrupt the conversation at their table.

Their eyes met in a wordless gaze. His eyes told her, ‘no, nothing is ok.’ But his words said, “Yes, everything is fine.” He gave her a tight-lipped smile and rested his hand over hers, his fingers intertwining with her own.

Before Amy could say something, the waiter brought the main course and lulled the conversation between their friends. While they ate, Amy joined in on whatever topic their friends were discussing, but kept a close eye on Sheldon. Sheldon, who only responded when spoken to.

On some level, Amy was annoyed with him; however, she couldn’t stop thinking about the day and what it meant to him. He had been waiting for that day his entire life when he would finally have that gold medal hanging from his neck. A sign that he changed the world. However, his whole life, he thought that the recognition would only belong to him. That he would need, nor have to acknowledge that anyone else helped him along the way. So, when he started pushing away the people who stood by him, he was shocked when they willingly let themselves be pushed. He thought it belonged to him and him only. But no, it belonged to their friends as well. Amy recognized that long before Sheldon did. Sheldon thought it was their honor to watch him receive the Nobel. That was far from the truth. In reality, it should have been Sheldon who was honored to have them there. And they were tired of him not being able to see it.

And perhaps Amy had been too harsh with her words. Maybe she could have said it gentler while remaining firm. However, her frustration with him had reached its boiling point, and, honey, the pot was full. Unfortunately, her approach was the only way to make him understand how much he had hurt their friends. Were her hurtful? Yes. But were they untrue? No. Sheldon’s naivety about social cues and other people’s feelings had improved much over the years. However, he was still ungraceful, and for the most part, had a difficult time understanding others, including her. People tolerated him because they knew that he didn’t know any better. As much as she hated to admit it, she was guilty of it at times too. No matter how imperfect he was, there were things he did that pissed her off to no extent. But she loved him enough to tolerate those actions.

When she spoke those words to him, she had not intended for them to hurt him. That would be like returning an eye for an eye, something Amy never really believed in. Her intent with yelling at him was to help him see that he did play some part in why their friends were abandoning them. And while her outburst seemed to accomplish that, it also struck a nerve in Sheldon that was causing him immense discomfort. For which part, she did not know.

She needed to talk to him; figure out which part exactly he was upset about.

As the table finished up the main course, she glanced around to make sure nobody was looking. Confident that no one was paying them any mind, she reached for his hand and pulled him with her away from the table. With him following her in tow, she briskly navigated the twists and turns of the banquet in City Hall. The couple’s abrupt exit caught the attention of a few other guests, but as a whole, their departure was mostly ignored.

She pulled him into a more secluded area of the building. Past the bathrooms down the hall next to a utility closet. She stopped next to the door and looked around to make sure nobody had followed them.

“Are you ok?” She asked once confirmed their solitude. “You’ve been quiet all evening.”

Amy watched the gears turn in her husband’s brain. He wouldn’t make eye contact with her, something he only did when something was troubling him. He focused keenly on something behind her, just past her head. His eyes shifted in their sockets, panicking, looking for an answer he didn’t honestly know the answer to. He went with a safe response and mumbled, “I don’t know.”

She sighed at his response. Neither confirming nor denying. “Was it something that Leonard said? That I said?” She pried, mentally slapping herself for the stupidity of her questioning.

He tightly shook his head, but she didn’t believe him. She could see the way his hand trembled as his fingers traced the Nobel hanging from his neck.

Right as she was about to pry once more, he interrupted her with a question that nearly shattered her heart. “Do you only tolerate me?”

There were only a couple feet between them, but Amy rushed to close the gap. “No, sweetheart, no!” she assured him, taking his face in her hands. “There are things you do that annoy me, sure, but I love you enough to look past those things.”

“But there are things that you only tolerate?”

She nodded. “Of course, with any person, you love, there are things you simply must tolerate, but you do it because you love them.” Amy reached down and took his hands in hers, running her thumb over his knuckles.

“Our friends?” He questioned, keeping his head low. “Do you think they only ever tolerate me? Am I that unbearable?”

“No!” She exclaimed softly, tightening her grip on his hands. “Why do you think they stayed, Sheldon? Sure you were an ass earlier,” she gave him a soft smile to let him know she was only joking. “But they stayed because they love you.”

Sheldon still didn’t look convinced. She hated this look on him. No matter how arrogant he could be at times, he had insecurities that ran deep; things that could be brought up in just a few words. He had never let any of their friends see his diffidence, only her, and she’d heard enough about what he’s thinking to know how to fix the situation.

“I don’t like the way you tap your fingers together when you’re irritated,” she blurted out.

Sheldon’s face contorted in confusion. “Amy, what?”

“Or the way you don’t always take my interests seriously. I hate that.” She paused. “But I love the way you always kiss my forehead in the morning. I love that you always let me use the bathroom first when we wake up, even though I know you rather would.”

“Amy, what are you doing?”

“I like that you’ll give me a foot massage if I’ve had a long day. I like that sometimes you want to be the little spoon. I like that you insist on holding my hand after we make love.” After every compliment, Amy took a step closer to him, sliding her hands up his shoulders. “Sheldon, sweetheart, the list of tiny things you do for me is astronomical. All those little things blot out the smaller annoyances. Do you understand?”

Sheldon nodded.

“Good,” she nearly whispered, running her hands down his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in his coat. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you earlier…” she apologized, her voice trailing off.

Sheldon took a step back from her. “I’m sorry too. If I hadn’t been acting like a child in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to yell at me.”

Amy gave him a gentle smile, mirroring the one she gave him when they got married. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, but I think if we don’t go back out soon, our friends will send out a search party,” Sheldon joked, moving out of their small nook; however, he could see a glint spark in his wife’s eyes. Vixen.

She moved her fingers to trace the golden medal, still hanging from his neck. “Let them search,” she said in a low voice, grabbing the cords of the Nobel and pulling him to her. Her lips immediately sought his, and they attached as if the other was oxygen. Amy’s hands found the hair at the base of his neck and tangled her fingers into it. She felt his lips vibrate with the soft moan he let out.

Together their mouths danced in fiery pleasure, and much to Amy’s surprise, Sheldon was going along with it. Less than fifty feet away was a dining hall that occupied the King of Sweden, plus his family, and some of the most respected people in the world. All were wearing the same gold medal with a purple cord that she tightly held onto while she let her husband drown her with kisses.

Suddenly, Sheldon backed her further into their tiny niche and pinned her against the door of the utility closet. It wasn’t forceful, but it was rough enough for Amy to tear away from the kiss immediately. “Wait,” she said in a breathy voice. Sheldon looked wordily down at her, also trying to catch his breath.

“I’m ok,” she assured him. “You just caught me off guard, that’s all.” She gripped at her stomach to try and calm it down along with her animated breathing.

After a few moments, she was able to steady her breathing. However, her hand remained clutched to her stomach, and for a brief moment, she hoped Sheldon couldn’t see the panic behind her eyes.

But he did.

“You ok now?” He asked softly, his pale blue eyes searching for an answer.

“Of course,” she replied.

The two stayed quiet for a moment, not quite sure what to say to each other. “Umm, maybe we should…” Amy stammered. “Maybe we should head back.”

What Sheldon said next shocked her. “To our hotel room, yeah.” Amy’s eyes widened at him almost comically to which he chuckled. Slowly he leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a one on one celebration. What about you, my dear?”

All she could do was shudder against his breath.

“I’ll take that as a yes?” He asked as he pulled away and slowly began to back out of their little nook.

“Oh, most defiantly,” she muttered, gleefully following him as they stealthily moved back into the dining hall.

Thankfully, the main entrance of the building was not far from where the restrooms were located. All they needed to do was exit the hall leading to the bathrooms and make a right, which would land them almost immediately in the coatroom. However, there were at least twenty feet between the two open doorways, and there were many tables lined up in the short distance. Amy hoped that if they were quick and quiet enough that nobody would pay mind to their early departure.

As the two of them walked carefully along the wall, side by side, they managed to not catch anybody’s attention.

“Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler!” Someone exclaimed in a heavy Russian accent right as they made it to the front of the main lobby.

Amy turned her head to see another laureate coming at them with open arms. She immediately recognized him. Dr. Sokolov. A Russian scientist who won his Nobel in chemistry. Sheldon had told her about him, and surprisingly, he was one of the few people who Sheldon didn’t talk down.

Amy wasn’t intimidated as the older scientist shuffled toward them. He was at least twice Sheldon’s age, but that didn’t stop the glee from spreading across his face as he came to a stop in front of them.

“Dr. Fowler, Dr. Cooper, it is so nice to meet you!” Dr. Sokolov rejoiced as he enveloped her in a hug. When he moved to shake Sheldon’s hand, her husband accepted gracefully. However, after the Russian doctor turned back to her, she could see him stealthily grab the bottle of Purel hidden in his inner coat pocket.

“After I read your work on Super Asymmetry, I just knew you two would win it,” he chuckled, looking like a five-year-old in a candy shop. “I would love to discuss your discovery, if you have time, of course.”

Just as Amy was about to interject, Sheldon spoke up for her. “I’m sorry, Dr. Sokolov, but we’re just heading out.” The older man’s shoulder sunk defeatedly. “But, we would love to discuss it with you tomorrow at the Palace.”

“It’s a date, Dr. Cooper,” Dr, Sokolov joked making Sheldon, surprisingly, chuckle as well. “You two have a great night.”

And with that the Dr. departed from them, missing Sheldon’s mumbled reply. “Oh, we’re going to have a fantastic night.”

They returned to their hotel room fully adorned with heavy winter coats and their Nobles. As exciting as the evening was for them, they couldn’t be happier to be back in their suite.

Sheldon helped his wife out of her coat before he shrugged off his own. He neatly folded the articles of clothing over the couch back; careful not to wrinkle them.

Amy gulped as he turned back to her, his eyes full of longing, full of love. It was a look she had seen on him before. The night they first slept together. Their engagement. Their wedding day. His eyes, on every occasion, held such power over her, they never failed to make her weak in the knees.

His hand cupped her cheek when he came closer to her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood to attention immediately, something that did not go unnoticed by him. As he moved his hand down, his fingers gently caressed the tender skin of her neck. His thumb pressed gently against the hollow between her neck and clavicle, a place Sheldon knew would make her body shudder. It did, but he did not back down. He tickled the feathered sleeves of her dress before traveling down her arm. His light, barely there, touches were so affectionate, so pure, that Amy had to close her eyes from the emotion behind it.

He finally landed on the small of her back and pulled her body flush with his. Their medals clinking together at the contact. Using his free hand, he intertwined the fingers of his left with her right. It was so intimate, Amy almost forgot that they were in the same position they danced their first song together.

Sheldon knew this as well; he’d planned it that way. Before either could say a word, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed play on the song that he queued up in the limo. Haphazardly dropping his phone onto the couch, he took her hand once more.

They hadn’t stayed long enough to enjoy slow dancing at the banquet, something Sheldon knew that Amy wanted to do with him. So, it warmed her heart when Sheldon began to sway with the music. Even though she would have enjoyed the banquet dance, there was something about this that made it all the more personal. Sophisticated. Intimate.

The way that Sheldon moved so perfectly with the tempo, gracefully guiding her through the steps, taking the lead. How he let her prop her head under his chin and how he buried his nose in her hair.

They worked together like a well-oiled machine, not once slipping up or stepping on each other’s toes, a contrast to how it had been at their wedding. Amy listened to her husband’s heartbeat against his chest, laughing internally as it seemed to sync with the beat of the music. Sheldon took in his wife’s aroma, bathing in the cherry scent of her shampoo.

They stayed like in one position for the entirety of the song. Too wrapped up in each other to break the embrace. And even as the song drew to its conclusion, they continued to rock in their embrace, not daring to break the connection they had formed together.

Sheldon did end up breaking the silence with and “I love you” mumbled softly into her hair.

Reluctantly, Amy pulled her head away from his chest, immediately missing its warmth as she did so. Yet, the tenderness she saw in his eyes quickly replaced the lack of literal body heat. “I love you more,” she teased, flashing him a small smile.

Sheldon shook his head no, but his mirrored smile gave it away. “That’s not possible,” he said, softly, as he leaned down to kiss her.

Unlike their kiss from earlier in their corner, this one was gentle and soft. Their lips moved together as though they’d done so their whole life. He brought a hand to gently cradle her face; a loving gesture that made her give a soft mewl in appreciation. And, oh, how he loved the small noises from her. His body reacted immediately. Trying to pull her even closer to him; squeezing her, making breathing a task.

She hated doing it, but she had to pull away, he was holding her too tight.

“Sorry,” she apologized almost immediately. “I couldn’t breathe.”

He nodded his head. “I understand,” he said, but then paused. “Would you like to move this elsewhere?” He asked, not crudely, but rather in the quiet way he always asked for consent.

She wanted to, a lot, but there was something she needed to do first. She wanted to do it before the ceremony, however, after the whole debacle, she decided to wait, for a moment tender as the one before her.

“Hold on,” she said, pushing away from him. Moving toward a bag that she had hidden in the corner of the room. She left him rooted in the same place, confused as she began to rummage through the bag’s contents before finding what she was looking for.

“There’s something I wanted to give you first,” she explained as she handed him a neatly wrapped box.

The simple gold and black wrapping paper elegantly hugged the curves of whatever it contained that Sheldon was almost apprehensive about opening it. When he looked up to meet Amy’s gaze, she nodded, encouraging him.

As the paper was peeled away, he felt a velvet material beneath his fingers. It appeared to be a jewelry box.

“What is this?” Sheldon asked, tugging at the latch to the box.

It was a rhetorical question, Amy knew that. And it was worth a wordless answer when Sheldon opened it to peer at its contents.

A gold-encrusted pocket watch, another one to add to his collection. She had the engraving on the outside plate specially designed for something that she knew would tailor perfectly to Sheldon. The structure of an Atom. Crafted perfectly and precisely, 100% scientifically accurate, she made sure of it. However, the real surprise was the engraving on the inside, something he hadn’t gotten to yet.

“Amy, it’s beautiful,” he gushed, his fingers running over the Atom.

“I know, open it.”

When he did, a tiny folded up piece of paper fell out. However, when he moved to read it, she stopped him. “Read the engraving first.”

“They will be the perfect arrangement of atoms”

He had already begun unfolding the small piece of paper as he read the quote, and for the briefest moment, he was confused as to what Amy meant by the engraving. Until he glanced down at the tiny 4x3, black and white sonogram in his hand.

He drew a breath in through his nose. “You’re… you’re pregnant?” He asked shakily, his voice catching in his throat.

She nodded, but he remained silent, staring down at the watch and sonogram in his hand. He could feel his emotions at the surface, ready to break through the wall that Sheldon had kept up most of the evening. They’d made a baby. Amy was going to have his child. Their child.

His finger traced the outline of the bean-shaped object. The object he knew was a little bundle of cells that contained their combined DNA. That would grow into a human being with its own traits, abilities, and emotions. A human that only came to existence because of the bond, the love, he shared with his wife.

“You’re pregnant,” he said again, making a statement rather than a question.

“Yes,” she beamed, moving forward to wrap her arms around his waist. He still held the sonogram in his hand, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the first picture taken of his child. Their child.

It was several moments before he uttered: “Thank you.”

She looked up at him, confused. “For what? You played a part in this too, you know,” Amy said, giving him a playful smirk.

He pulled away from her, his free hand coming to rest on her hip. “No, not for the baby.” He thought for a moment. “Well, a little the baby, but rather for everything. For telling me what I needed to hear, for sticking by me even though I can be irritating, for loving me enough to tolerate the bad stuff.”

Call it pregnancy hormones or the raging emotions behind what could be construed as one of the greatest days of their lives, Amy couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in her eyes. She knew that he meant every word of his confession, and she also knew that there was much more behind it. However, she wasn’t going to push her husband for more, she knew he had a rough day. All she wanted to do was hold Sheldon close and relish in their victory.

Cupping her hands on his cheeks, she brought his head down for a chaste, but tender, kiss to his lips. “I don’t want to do anything more tonight, Sheldon, all I want is for you to hold me.”

“That sounds wonderful,” he said, squeezing her hipbone. “Why don’t you and our little progeny go get ready for bed. I’ll be in there in a few minutes.”

Their bedtime routine at home usually gave Sheldon the first right to the bathroom, so, she was grateful that he let his usual habit go for the day. She smiled up and him and darted to the bathroom before he could change his mind.

The bathroom in their suite was considerably larger than the one back home. It was large enough for the shower and bath to be separate from each other, with the shower itself almost its own room. Instead of one sink, there were two, one on either side when one walked in the door. The toilet granted its own stall with a door and everything.

After their week in Sweden, it was going to be difficult to readjust to their tiny apartment once again.

As Amy moved to the hooks where she left her garment bag from earlier, she tried and failed to unzip the back of her dress. Admittedly, she did have Sheldon zip it up earlier, however, after many years of wearing zippered skirts, one would think she could manage a dress.

“Sheldon!” She beckoned, still trying to unzip it herself.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come here?”

He burst through the door less than ten seconds later. “What’s wrong?” He asked, trying desperately to act as though he was not panicked.

“Nothing, I just need you to unzip my dress for me,” she explained, dropping her arms helplessly at her side.

He deflated with relief. “Oh, ok,” he said, his arms already outstretched as he moved towards her. She held her hands against her chest to keep the dress from falling off as he freed her from the garment. The zipper moved fast a gracefully down her back, she expected nothing less from a down that cost them nearly as much as it did.

“There you go,” he whispered as he trailed the zipper to the end of its line.

She turned back towards him, awkwardly. “Thank you.”

As he turned to leave, she called his name once more. “There’s plenty of room in here for both of us, just stay and get ready for bed with me,” she requested, slipping out of her dress and into the hotel supplied robe.

He complied with her wish and begun to change out of his tuxedo. With his outfit having many more components than hers, by the time he had also changed into a robe, she was nearly done wiping the last of her makeup away. As the maneuver together through their usual, but at the same time unusual, bedtime routine, not a word is spoken between them. Every so often, one will catch the other smiling at them through the mirror on opposite sides of the room. And every time the one who gets caught will blush and turn away while the recipient of their gaze smiles warmly at the affection.

It takes a mere ten minutes before they are both dressed in their pajamas and pulling back the covers to the massive king-sized bed. As though it was habitual, both of them immediately migrated to the middle of the sheets, basking in each other’s warmth.

“Well,” she said, questioningly once they got situated. “You want to be the little spoon?”

He chuckled and turned on his side, facing her. “I think I’d like to take on the role of big spoon tonight.”

They both moved to kiss each other, as they did every night before she turned away from him. She leaned back against him as his torso came in contact with her back. Her emotions got the better of her when his hand immediately came to rest over her stomach, tracing the very spot he knew their baby was growing.

“I can’t believe there’s a baby in there,” he mused with wonder and amazement, tracing the number 143 over and over again.

“I know,” she said. “I love them too.”

No other words were spoken that night, they didn’t need any. Their actions spoke louder than their words. Every so often, Sheldon would place the softest of kisses on her shoulder before he nuzzled her hair. She kept her hand firmly grasped over his, the one resting on her stomach.

When sleep finally came, he was too tired and too relaxed to fight it. The patterns traced on her stomach came to a slow stop. His head fell back against his own pillow, and his breathing steadied into his slumber. However, his hand remained stationary over their baby, a gesture she appreciated even more as she realized he had succumbed to the peacefulness of sleep.

She stayed awake for a few more moments, tracing the surface of his wedding band, the sharp ridges of his knuckles, and the blood vessels in the back of his hand. Every once in a while, he would twitch in his sleep and involuntarily grasp her hand. After the third time, she firmly took hold of his hand, letting her heavy lids finally slide close as well. But before she too fell into unconsciousness, she traced what Sheldon had told the baby earlier.

143… I love you.

A/N: Hope that wasn’t too bad… Thank you so much for reading 😊

#shamy fanfic #shamy

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thaliatimsh · 5 years ago

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if its alright! wrt the 'directors commentary' asks, honestly anything /Anything/ for 'imperfect life', oof :0

ONE DVD COMMENTARY TRACK COMING UP BECAUSE HELL YES you may ask me about this one. GOD I HOPE THIS READ MORE WORKS OR I’M GONNA DIE OF SHAME. For those of you who’ve missed my pleas: imperfect life is on AO3 here. read it or i cry.

Okay I reblogged that post with not much of an idea about what I’d actually have to say but imperfect life is at least at the forefront of my mind lol

First things first I’d had an idea for a fic about Hodgson At Mutineer Camp that i wanted to write floating around my head for a while that was. I suppose centred on the sheer Betrayal of GIBSON YOU CHANGED MY SHEETS FOR THREE YEARS? WHAT THE FUCK? And as I did more research abt both of them and found that they’d been on ships together & that it was likely that either Hodgson or Peglar got Gibson his job? Fuckin wrote itself, especially seeing as in show-canon Bridgens is the Peglar Papers Steward.

Anyway I’ve said this before to everyone who’ll listen but I will say it again: I think Hodgson is misinterpreted & underappreciated by a lot of the fandom & it makes me SAD and also ANGRY.

Like: I once saw someone say that he was “mad about Jopson’s promotion, so fuck that guy”? NO. He MISSED Jopson’s promotion! He would have gotten a KICK out of Jopson’s promotion! You BASTARDS! Hickey picks on him SPECIFICALLY because he’s out of the loop! I’ll kill you!

Ham jokes? I’m coming to your HOUSE. man’s as ‘obsessed with ham’ as any self-respecting naval officer starving to death in the arctic

Then there’s the “Who is this?” being taken as some kind of a-okay for cannibalism instead of a guy who saw someone shot dead just last night and then spent the morning burying said dead'un being literally scared out of his mind by a greasy lil rat with a knife and Tozer blocking the tent flap with a fuckign RIFLE. DAMN YOU ALL.

Do I think he’s a complete FOOL? YES. Do I think he ever had any kind of malicious intent? NO. Okay anyway I’m gonna talk a bit more abt that later so let me go back to the next part lmao

So Part 2 of the George Henry Hodgson Saga was then to figure out why he had to go stay with his aunts - this ALSO came pretty straight to me, for whatever reason. I think it might have started off as just his parents pleasure jaunt, but as I was thinking about later scenes with Jimmy Fitzjas I came up with a thing abt - Im not gonna find the reference now but in the battersby book there’s a bit abt William Coningham going to take the waters at bath or whatever for Weak Lungs which OBVIOUSLY made me think of my favourite comsumptive Of All Time Fryderyk Franciszek Chopin & the countryside retreats he & his sister Emilia took for their symptoms as teenagers (and unforch Emilia died of tuberculosis aged just 14… rip)

ANYWAY I had some VAGUE idea that George n Fitz could have some kind of Passing Discussion abt Brothers With Shite Lungs that obviously never came to fruition but. Lol whatever, it gave me a reason for why My Parents Sent Me To Stay With Two Aunts.

UH. Right, so then like the third leg for this to stand on was that Fitzjames and Hodgson had ALSO served together & Fitzjames had: 1. recommended Hodgson to the expedition 2: mentioned him TWICE in his Voyage of the Cornwallis 3. Mentioned him in his letters to the Coninghams from disko bay (one of the only Terrors mentioned - there’s a passage abt Fitzjames going to look at the icebergs with Fairholme and Hodgson. ANYWAY; show-canon Hodgson has a sense of humour and I really think he tried to make the men see him as approachable, at least compared to the other Terror officers and that reminds me a lot of how the historical Fitzjames seemed from mystery man! Seeing as they KNew each other I think it’s not unfair to suggest that he’s trying to emulate an older and more successful officer! He wants to succeed! He wants to have fun and to be loved by The Men!

My friend said something very Prescient abt this to me recently which was that THere are a lot of similarities between Hodgson & Fitzjames and it’s kinda like. Fitzjames is the Ideal, and Hodgson just misses the mark. He’s the average man’s James Fitzjames and because he doesn’t know about Fitzjames’ surplus of political luck that only makes him feel more of a failure. Fitzjames gets a bullet that gets him compared to Lord Nelson, Hodgson gets in the gazette as ‘slightly wounded’. Even their monologues! Fitzjames gives a soul-baring confessional he’s never talked about before to someone he respects and he gets! Affirmation! Gets told that he’s a good man and brave and loved! Hodgson gives a soul-baring confessional he’s never talked about before to someone he respects and gets! FUCK ALL! A MAN SITS IN SILENCE! He has to fucking! Walk out alone after all of that! FUCK!!!

Okay so this whole fic just sat in my brain for probably like six months until I literally sat up in bed because I worked out the last piece of the puzzle

(Drac has an epiphany, July 4th 2019, colourised)

Which was, of course, 'Hodgson went to boarding school’ - which is what all of this ends up hanging off of! Boarding school culture! The younger years are servants for the upper years, who in turn are responsible for the younger students! including discipline etc so like… if a younger year brought something up to their “fag-master” it’d be sorted by them and maybe prefects, without getting schoolmasters etc involved.

WHICH is why George doesn’t tell the captains about what happens to Neptune, because he’s out here trying to be a good fag master and get it sorted himself! His own fag master fucked him over by getting the schoolmasters involved when they oughtn’t have been! He’s not about to be Archibald Harrington-Thurlowe! He’s not okaying the mutiny! He’s trying to minimise the damage *on his own* like a fuckin idiot!

IF YOU CALL HODGSON A MUTINEER I’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE N MAKE YOU GET LOST AND ABANDONED AND END UP EATING YOUR BOOT BEFORE GETTING 'RESCUED’ BY THE SAME GREASY RAT WHO LITERALLY MURDERED YOUR PAL AND TRICKED YOU INTO SLAUGHTERING CIVILIANS! I’LL. I’M NOT HAPPY.

I’m just basically so upset about 'one perfect moment in a whole imperfect life’ being a childhood memory that he was taught to see as so shameful to compare it to cannibalism under duress? FUCK.

A whole imperfect life in GENERAL has me fucked up! He just kept trying and kept just missing what he was aiming for! I mean. That’s relateable. Not one part of a life turning out as you expected or planned? ME!!!! Your achievements add up to nothing and no matter how hard you try you end up a footnote! FUCK offfff

I had some difficulty with the religious angle for a while because. hm. okay. To start with the religious angle IN-CANON is just.... not correct. Catholics don't let you drink the blood. The church of england DOES... and that's what most of these men ARE. The Papist Speech as a whole was cobbled together from one of Crozier's ~Visions~ in the book - and it's important in that case that Crozier is IRISH... Poor analogy, writers! Putting aside that he was also... SEVEN... maybe he was an unusually tall seven-year old, people assumed he'd had first communion/been baptised & no one wanted to cause a fuss... I mean the guy has lead poisoning so it's fair to mis-remember but... YEAH. Messy, which is a shame because it's a powerful monologue very well-delivered, shame it's complete fucking nonsense 😂 (not to be like... SMH Americans but... smh Americans...)

Anyway, as I wrote it? that’s me. I wasn’t raised religious - my dad’s an old-school small-town Continental Catholic, my mum’s agnostic but raised CofE (but *her* dad was raised Jewish (also continental) during WW2), I think they couldn’t be fucked with the drama, I never went to church or anything and as a kid when we had prayers at school assembly I didn’t know what I was doing!!!! I felt bad because I couldn’t fathom God as a concept!!! I still can’t! But as a kid it’s like. I don’t understand and on account of that I’m afraid I’m going to Hell. tfw you write what you know.

ALSO there were definitely a couple of times where I wrote G H Hodgson as played by B W Wooster and I will not be taking constructive criticism on that.

ANYWAY My brain has kindof turned itself off now but I guess this is just. My own personal backstory to this jhsgfjhs. I actually probably have about 400x more to say but it’s fully evaporated. thank you SO MUCH for asking me though. i die.

#i tag #george hodgson #bc i love him #also #long post #that's my baby officer!#insane character essay tag

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