#tho the game officially releases in like few hours from now
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cloud-ya · 12 days ago
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boom
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just 3 days (or 2 because I didn't touch the game much yesterday) and already almost 20 hours of playtime
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noblechaton · 7 months ago
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welcome to the official "Noble rambles about Final Fantasy VII Rebirth" post wherein I get annoying about this behemoth of an experience
don't intend to talk much about story stuff here - tho I got a lotta thoughts about it so that might get its own thing later - but consider this a spoiler warning all the same; for gameplay and some story stuff
so just like to set a baseline here I wanna say I think this is a generational game and the biggest leap in quality I've seen a series take from one game to the other since maybe KH1 to KH2 - it's still got the same bones, but they've been rearranged and adjusted to the point of near perfection in a lot of spaces and while gameplay does still carry some flaws - lock on is still miserable, I'd argue they basically ruined Aerith lol - it's so sharp and addictive that I actually popped it back in yesterday to do the superboss stuff (which I think speaks to just how good I feel this game is since that superboss stuff is a real gauntlet lmao)
just about every character - aside from Aerith - feels really fun to play once u get used to them and I'd also say that Aerith is still fun to play with but it took so long to get used to her that I basically stopped using her outright well before the last few chapters lmao. they changed some stuff with her that I simply don't agree with and while there's some cool things in place of what was removed or changed it's just sort of not enough - she takes too long to charge ATB and can't do much without it now so she's kind of useless without a strong support setup around her which made me go "Ehhh. I wanna play as the cat again" or "Sure but what if I was Yuffie instead". I think the biggest thing is they took away the ability to hold the button down for her attack and made that tempest instead, with triangle being given to a ward shift that while neat I just never really used
but again even if she's been kinda nerfed I'd say everyone is just. so much fun. Cloud's still the great all rounder he was in Remake but they fixed the problem where bigger, aerial based enemies were basically gods by giving him proper aerial combat himself. when I first got hit with the tutorial for this in the demo prior to release I could have stood up and clapped that's how badly I'd hoped they'd do something for him
Tifa's still a stagger machine and yet feels even more necessary now thanks to that and just how quick she can be - but then Yuffie's even faster and is borderline broken which honestly rules. Barret's a lil less heavy and that makes him a lot more fun to control - I loved how grounded the cast was in Remake, but that heft just wouldn't work in Rebirth so I'm glad it was adjusted
meanwhile Red XIII is pretty solid - I didn't love him being so dependent on Vengeance Mode but after I'd learned his kit a bit more I'd say he was one of the more fun characters to play as. Cait Sith is really the only other new character u actually get to play as in this one and I can see why some have derided him/his gameplay but I honestly thought he was just as fun to play as as Red or Tifa or anyone else really - save maybe Cloud, who still has just a bit of an edge over everyone else - and I really loved how they integrated the fortune telling, casino style gameplay into his kit
it all just sort of flows really well in Rebirth that even Aerith and those that might be a bit wonky like Cait or Red end up feeling good when ya get into the moment and such. synergy moves are largely a really cool addition - don't think united refocus needed to take up so many slots lol - and I wish there were even more of them. the sidebar synergy stuff is also neat but I slowly stopped using it over the ~100 hours I played as a lot of em were just kinda difficult to properly pull off in combat
beyond just the gameplay - which is flashier than ever and brimming with character and quality alike imo - the game's just. something else to me
the music goes absolutely nuts and if this isn't soundtrack of the year I have no idea what possibly will be. it's visually stunning, the vocal performances are incredible across the board - especially Barret, who cemented himself as one of my favorite Square characters of all time with this one (but then, so did most of the cast tbh). it's so much more grandiose and higher in scale than Remake that I'd grown worried prior to release
so like. in truth I haven't played OG FF7 to this point - I sorta know what happens in that game, up to a certain and very popular point at least, but Remake is a very sentimental game for me for a lot of reasons so while I grew ridiculously hyped for Rebirth I'd wondered if I'd feel the same about it as I ultimately did with Remake - where I felt the game was this stunning, satisfying experience that does almost everything as well as it could with this grounded atmosphere and well threaded narrative with a strong, snappy mix of action and turn based combat. if I could even hope for it to live up to what was one of my favorite games of last gen, and of all time at this point
Rebirth lived up to my hopes and then some. the atompshere isn't the same as Remake's, which I loved, but it feels like the perfect evolution from the narrow, grungy alleyways of Sector 7, the tighter corridors of Shinra's construction, into this sprawling yet not entirely overwhelming open world that's varied so well from place to place that each ends up fairly memorable long before u even get close to finishing it out, every zone feeling both so wide and yet manageable, brimming with character and side content
that does bring me to my main complaint with the game tho - the side content kind of fucking sucks LMAO
the open worlds are gorgeous and carry some incredible musical tracks - Gongaga's a huge favorite of mine - buuuuuuuuut the stuff u actually do in them never really changes and grows pretty dull a good zone or two before the ending. it's a lot of Ubisoft open world stuff - towers, combat challenges, etc., with some variety thrown in via the protorelics (superboss related collectibles) but that's kinda not enough. even the more unique stuff to this game - like the lifespring scanning and the summon crystals - grow really stale and I wish they'd alternated the content from zone to zone a bit more. I think I was in Cosmo Canyon when I realized there'd be another zone and I was actively sort of dreading it lmao, mostly since I was doing just about everything someone could on a first playthrough
and I guess that's kind of not a huge complaint tho since like. ya don't gotta do it lmao. it's side content - but I wish it'd been. y'know. more good. I also wish the minigames weren't largely ass.
box buster's back from Remake and it's actually pretty fun, chocobo racing is solid enough, but most of the rest of the stuff is rough in some way or another - often in the controls, like the g-bike and 3D brawler. even the coliseum tournament stuff largely suffers from the bad difficulty problems that have imo long plagued the industry at this point - there's a few that are just infuriating and poorly designed and I'm unsure why the minigames as a whole were so hellish. as if the testers did too well and now we the casual players must pay the price for their sins (also the final side quest is related to the minigames and as of the most recent patch is bugged so while I've completed it, I haven't actually finished it 🙃)
and honestly for a while I thought all that would hold the game back for me. it's optional, sure, but it also makes up a good chunk of the game, to the point where the game's almost overstuffed with things to do, but it's kind of all shit with a few exceptions - Queen's Blood is crazy btw that needs to be a mobile thing or a real game asap - so that's gotta be a knock on things, yeah? and it totally is, but like. as I made my way through the final dungeon of the game and into the ending, I realized that it just. didn't matter
which would lead me into the story if I were going in depth on it here. I might later but to keep it somewhat vague - I loved it, and felt the pacing, twists and turns all really enjoyable. another solid evolution from things in Remake, with an ending that I genuinely adore even if things are a bit cloudy (I've got my theories - again, perhaps elsewhere). when I say the last few hours of this game shifted my opinion - which was already quite high! - even higher, I mean it. I understand why some don't like the story or the ending in particular, but I love everything they did and set up here and I'm ridiculously excited to see what comes next given just how much they managed to do with this game - tho I will say, if ya ain't onboard with the Remake project by this point I don't know if the narrative will sell ya on it given that it, naturally, does more than Remake did which ik was uh. somewhat controversial. lol
but yeah. I purposefully didn't deep-dive on Rebirth before launch save watching a few trailers due to spoilers and such so I kind of had no idea just how big it was gonna be - and even then, I don't think I could have guessed at how absolutely and utterly stuffed with content this game is. it's the first game of this gen that feels like it earns the increased price tag to me, that's worth the asking price as it's so much bigger and enthralling, so much more than I'd anticipated
which kinda sums up my feelings on Rebirth. that it's this massive game that kept me hooked for days on end, that constantly surprised and satisfied me even as my playtime steadily rose
I really, really enjoyed my near 100 hour playthrough despite the odds and ends bc I feel this is a near immaculate supergame that delivered on almost everything I'd hoped for an then some. it isn't perfect, there's some rough edges, but it does so much so well that it's impossible for me to view it as anything but this generational title that's both ridiculously good at its various peaks and sets up the final game in this trilogy to be another all-timer
so yeah I kinda liked it
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satanicdollx · 1 year ago
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Have you seen that Dreadwolf is apparently releasing next year?
Also. N7 Day teaser trailer for the new ME, what do you think?
I'm not sure there's anything official about next year, I don't go there yet (I barely started DAO) but from what I understood Bioware is in deep shit right now so... :(
and ofc I got super excited about the teaser like I can't wait to know more about that new character and the new game but as I said, Bioware's not doing well right now so I'm also a little bit scared 😅 they're nowhere near finished (a few months ago ME5 was still in pre prod) so I'll believe it when I see it. (still tho, I spent an hour looking for clues on that video and on that beautiful poster because I can't help it ahah)
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Kingdom Round 3: "Plagiarism", rigged voting and fanwars.
[Disclaimer: It is possible that for fans of certain groups I'll come off as offensive. I like each of the groups, I possess albums of TBZ, SF9 & SKZ, and I watched HOURS of content/debut programs of ALL the participating groups. Nevertheless, I will ALWAYS say my honest opinion. If you want to fight me, you're ofc allowed to do so but I hope you're all mature enough to not feel offended by opinions.]
Act 1: Tbz, where do your ideas come from?
So what I've noticed is that there's a massive difference between tbz behind the scenes and other groups'. Not only in this episode. So far, tbz simply DID NOT show how they create ideas, stages, how they practice. They picked a song, fooled around, and then met up with RTK members. It was cute sure, but it had NOTHING to do with the stage. The other groups showed practice scenes, showed their ideation process, showed who taught them and how. The boyz didn't. No practice, no ideation. Only song choice. We didn't see them practicing the choreo, we didn't see how they even got the idea for this stage. Their behind the scenes footage sadly has NOTHING to do with their performance. I really wish we could see them practicing and coming up with ideas.
Another big problem I see with this, is that they literally don't explain where their ideas come from. Now for people who know Game of Thrones (GoT hereafter), it probably appears rather obvious that the previous and also this stage was inspired by GoT, right? The white walkers? Ice and fire? The throne? The freaking red wedding??? I can't be the only one who sees a connection between their stages and GoT. ATEEZ said they were inspired by Pirates of the Carribbean. SF9 said they were inspired by film noir and showed how they worked with an actor on their storyline. iKON explained how they associate inception with dreams and put together their ideas. But TBZ didn't freaking talk about any of this. Either it was never recorded, or it never was aired. In any way, it's extremely suspicious in my eyes. Moreover it's just pretty shit to not say where your idea comes from. Especially not when you even name your stage after the iconic red wedding... Now IF they were NOT inspired by GoT, then it would be some... extremely huge coincidences... especially the stage title is just a bit too much tbh. But more to that stage later.
Edit: It came to my knowledge that according to deobis, Cre.Ker will post the content after Kingdom on tbz social media. Whoever took that decision needs to be fired tbh. If the content will be released, I'll link to it and add some few words to it.
Act 2: The good, the bad, and ... All hail king Juyeon?
Let's talk about the performances now.
SF9: What I dislike is the fact that as I stated in my previous Kingdom post, they are forced to do such dramatic musical/movie stages to even be recognized as part of the show. Moreover, I found it weird and unfitting that they held guns during the group dance parts, to me it seemed a bit off. Also, at times, their energy level seemed a bit low.
What I liked is that even tho it was a MASSIVE set, the performance still was extremely easy to understand and follow. They all looked insanely good tho, SF9 simply is mature and manly. I liked the concept, it was fresh because it for once had no fantasy vibe but actual criminal mafia energy. My favourite parts were Jaeyoon's fighting scenes because they were very well choreographed. Altogether, I really enjoyed it and also found it interesting how they referred to the Boyz crown scenes on RTK.
The Boyz: In my eyes, this is already the second GoT inspired concept they did. Not a fan of this. Moreover, I'm a bit pissed that it looks as if they are selling all that as their own ideas. As I said before, I believe this is GoT inspired, the name at least definitely was - but it's never said that the inspiration comes from there, because we literally have no information about where their ideas come from and if it's even their own ideas. To me it has the bitter aftertaste of wanting to hide sth the viewers aren't supposed to see. But this is not tbz fault but the fault of whoever writes/directs/edits their footage.
With the title of the stage given, I actually thought I'd see a wedding. But what I've seen was a woman in a bird cage. And then many more women. I failed to see what this all had to do with a wedding, and I moreover failed to see the connection to "THE" red wedding. And I failed to understand the plot once again, and because they didn't explain it beforehand, I'll never understand it.
What I liked is that the performance was way less dramatic than it was ever before. It didn't seem like a stunt show anymore, it didn't seem overdramatic anymore. It was easier to focus on the performance. Sadly, I noticed that this "downgraded" (aka slow-paced and less dramatic) stage was unfortunately underwhelming in comparison with what they did before - which was sth I predicted from beginning on. At some point you can't go bigger anymore, and if you tone it down it'll automatically seem underwhelming.
Edit: It's sad that they have this pressure to outperform themselves because they've won RTK. But honestly, it was clear that the winner would have this pressure on them. I don't see why I would pity them for this, after all, each of the groups feel pressured anyways and I rather feel sorry for ALL groups together because this whole ranking/competition thing is just unnecessarily stressful. But once again, I don't understand why you all blame MNET for this. Don't forget that the companies have contracts with MNET and knew that shit would go down. If you blame any bigger instances, then please also the companies who put their idols on the show. It's not like they got forced to make their groups participate.
My biggest criticism this time however is the fact that they give the most screentime to Juyeon (and Sunwoo because of the rap parts), and the rest of the members barely appear, or basically aren't shown at all. I already felt before that there was a strong focus on Juyeon, but now it's srly showing very clearly. I really like Juyeon, but I don't find it fair. I think that doesn't do justice to the other members, which deserve screentime as well. In conclusion, tbz on kingdom is an extreme mess in my eyes, with lots of communication- and management flaws.
iKON: I belong to the group of people who heavily prefers THANXX over inception, so I was a bit sceptical about the song choice. They really made a YG version out of this tho, I was pretty impressed. The stage concept was pretty nice, iKON surely knows how to use light. Now the stage seemed very inspired by Inception (the movie) which makes a lot of sense - but wasn't communicated either. Just mentioning this because I critisized tbz earlier, so I think the same applies here to some degree. I didn't recognize the song anymore tho but I found it pretty refreshing. In my eyes they did the best so far in making another group's song their own. This could have been an iKON song for sure. As always, a fun stage.
My personal ranking will follow after the other stages.
Act 3: About cheating and faking.
The Voting looks as follows:
Views: 1. SKZ 2. iKON 3. ATEEZ 4. BTOB 5. TBZ 6. SF9
Online Voting: 1. SKZ 2. SF9 3. iKON 4. BTOB 5. ATEEZ 6. TBZ
Btw if anyone knows the overall voting, please comment or send a message, because I somehow missed it?
I said it before, and I say it again, this entire voting is rigged and I totally don't care about it anymore at this point because it's absolutely not trustable. Experts didn't know about the budget differences, who even are the experts, why did SF9 get zero on-site votes, and then ofc the fans who created 50 accounts to vote...this voting is a joke. What I can totally not understand is how ATEEZ and TBZ can rank last for online voting. Sth seems off here to me, especially the fact that SF9 ranks last in views but ranks 2nd in votes? I'm sorry to say this but I think that's the result of the ZZZ fanwar. My assumption is that there must be a big mass of people who purposely voted NOT for TBZ & ATEEZ, and my guess is - no offence - that those were stays. In accordance with the fanwar, they didn't give their 2 other votes to the other ZZZ groups but to whatever other group. Or in general the ZZZ fandoms purposely not voting for each other. That would explain extremely well why SF9 could suddenly rank 2nd. I'm tired of this voting, of fanwars and all this drama and I decided to not care about the official voting anymore.
If you got to this point, I wanna let you know that I feel very blessed that you made it through this long post hahaha. Thanks! And for the next week, I expect BIG THINGS. I'm the most excited for BTOB. Them covering back door is the most absurd thing I've imagined for a long time hahahaha. But Eunkwang with tattoos really is a good sight, isn't it ;)?
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ultimatetornshipper · 4 years ago
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Daminette December Day 5
@daminette-december2019-2020
I can’t believe I’m doing this oms, Sweaters didn’t exist okay? I had no choice!! lmaooo no regrets tho, I’m loving where this fic is going. 
Anyway thank you for everyone who left such lovely comments on the previous chapter I literally almost cried thank you!!
Princes and Pedestals
Chapter 5 – Sweater
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“Oh I can’t wait to show you the stables, we each have our own horse. I named mine Lavender, since my favorite color is purple. Cass's is named Rose, Dick's is Robin, Damian’s is Ace, Tim named his Cloud and Jason...,” Stephanie stopped walking and released Marinette’s hand, turning around, she sighed, “Well, you should know, Jason was ten when he got his and the horse had been sick and well... it resulted in him naming the poor animal Sweater. He refuses to change it,”
Marinette laughed at Stephanie’s clear annoyance with this fact. She’d come to her room this morning and simply insisted that she show her the stables before negotiations regarding their alliance took place. Marinette had agreed, she was coming to quite like this girl and her energetic nature.
Stephanie kept walking, this time at a slower pace, she lead Marinette out of the castle and greeted the gardeners. The servants they passed greeted her back and smiled widely, everyone was clearly fond of her. Marinette couldn’t blame them, Stephanie’s energy was contagious.
“You’ll probably get your own one-,” she started, before interrupting herself, eyes widening, she laughed nervously, “I mean if you stay long enough you’ll practically be family so I wouldn’t be surprised, if you got one, that is,”
Marinette thought her behavior was strange but she’d found that questioning Stephanie’s actions only led to more questions.
“Hey Steph, wait up!” someone yelled. Marinette turned towards the voice, seeing Prince Richard approaching them. He was the only brother at the summer castle she hadn’t informally met yet.
When he caught up to them, he nodded his head to her, “Your Majesty,”
She returned the gesture, smiling, “Your Highness, feel free to call me Marinette,”
She saw approval flicker across his eyes, he smiled back, “As long as you agree to call me Dick. Where are you two ladies going this fine morning?”
Stephanie rolled her eyes at him and started walking again, “Calm down, worry wart, I’m just taking her to the stables. Wanna join us?”
“I’d love to,” Dick replied, walking along with her and Stephanie. He looked towards Marinette, “She tell you about their names yet?”
She nodded slowly, “Yeah, she did. Do you mind me asking why you named yours Robin?”
“Robin was my mother’s nickname,” he said, a sad smile on his face, he shrugged, “I guess when I first got here I just wanted something to remind me of her, naming my horse after her... it helped ease my grief,”
Marinette felt as though a knife was being twisted in her heart, the black dress she wore suddenly heavier than usual. It was then that she realized that she only had two days left before her mourning period was officially over. Two days before a year was over since it had happened.
She realized they were both looking at her, she needed to respond. She looked up and smiled at him, nodding, “I can understand that,”
Stephanie touched her shoulder and looked her in the eye, “I-,”
Marinette gave her a meaningful look and shook her head. Stephanie searched her gaze for a few seconds before she nodded solemnly and opened the door they’d stopped in front of. She walked through and started pointing out which horse was which.
The atmosphere was heavier than it had been, but as they progressed it seemed to lift. Marinette zoned them out slightly, making all the right faces and noises. She wouldn’t be surprised if they knew she was faking it, given their demonstrated ability to read people, but she couldn’t bring herself to care in the moment.
She thought back. There really only was two days left. A year ago today they’d been laughing, playing card games and pretending that everything was alright. They'd known the end was near and wanted the last few days of his life to be happy.
Outside his room the atmosphere had been sad, Rose was crying while Juleka softly scratched her back. Nino had been torn apart, clutching on to Alya's hand for dear life, the red head trying to console him. And Marinette... Marinette had held herself together. She held all of them together.
And when he finally faded, she’d made herself go numb, but people looked at her like she was seconds away from falling apart anyway. And maybe she was.
She hadn’t been able to take it, though. She’d disappeared for a week under the guise of going on a mission. She went to their base near the north western shore and there she cried more than she thought anyone should be able to. Chloe and Luka had kept everyone away at her request and she’d screamed and mourned and grieved. But after that week she didn’t shed a single tear again.
She returned and refused to speak about what she’d done during her week or where she’d gone. She’d comforted everyone else and after a few days they stopped asking questions. She’d organized his funeral and worn her black dresses.
And she’d been wearing them ever since, they were the only outward sign that anything was possibly wrong.
She never spoke of it. But she only had two days left. Tomorrow a year ago he died. And she had no idea how she was going to make it out alive.
After half an hour in the stables listening to Stephanie and Dick's stories they made their way inside and had breakfast before she met up with Master Fu to finalize their thoughts and preparations for the negotiations of the alliance.
She sat next to him on one of the many benches in the castle hall. After a few seconds, she broke the silence, “He’s my match,”
Master Fu nodded slowly, “I sensed it too, you have the ring then?”
She nodded and removed said object from one of the many pockets in her gown. She curled her fist tightly around it.
“I assume you wish to offer him the position?” he said, still only staring straight ahead.
“Yes,” she replied, her heart heavy, responsibility weighing her down.
“I trust you, Guardian,” he said, pausing, he looked at her, “I am proud of who you’ve become Marinette,”
The words meant more to her than she wanted them to, she didn’t want to care what he thought. It was because of him that the ring had been given to the wrong person in the first place. He hadn’t even told them when he’d realized and it lead to the boy she’d loved’s death.
They reviewed the terms of the alliance and headed over to the room where negotiations would take place.
When she entered everyone inside stood, proper greetings were exchanged and everyone sat. The king and all the children she’d met were sitting on one side of the table, she and Master Fu sat down on the other side.
The atmosphere was different here. Stephanie smiled at her but it didn’t really reach her eyes. They had something on the line, Marinette was itching to know what.
Had she been wrong in thinking they didn’t need this alliance as much as she and her court did?
They discussed the terms and though a few compromises were made, it all went over rather smoothly. She and King Bruce did most of the talking while the others rarely spoke.
“Right, now that we have most of the details sorted out, we have a proposal for the type of alliance we wish to establish,” King Bruce said, she noticed all the siblings tense, Damian's destruction and chaos spiked. That was strange, did they know something of this proposal?
“Yes?” she replied warily, all eyes were on her, but she kept her gaze locked on the King.
“I propose we strengthen this alliance with a marriage, between you and my son,” he said simply.
The room held its breath. She saw Fu move, about to reply but she held her hand up to stop him. She was intrigued by his offer, and if could easily work out in her favor if she played her cards right.
She held the King’s gaze, she had a feeling she already knew the answer but she asked anyway, “Which one?”
“Damian, my youngest,” he replied immediately. She’d been right, this would make her life much easier. It also showed her that, for some reason, they needed this alliance too.
She looked at where the siblings were sitting, they were all staring at her, clearly trying to gouge her reaction. But she kept her face perfectly blank.
Then she made the mistake of meeting his gaze. The green eyes flung her back in time and for a second she felt the façade slip.
Live for both of us, m’lady. The words rung through her ears. The words had been haunting her for almost a year. One of the last things he had said to her, a different kind of desperation in his eyes, he wanted her to move on, to be happy, to live.
She quickly snapped back to reality and put back her mask, but they’d seen it, the dent in her armor. Their reactions were varying levels of confusion, curiosity and understanding.
She turned to the King, “I have one condition,”
The entire room tensed again, even Fu didn’t know what she was going to say, but she didn’t let it stop her.  
“Which would be?” he replied, he was intrigued, but wary of what she’d said. That was good, she had his attention.  She just needed to phrase her words right, she needed to give Damian a choice in this too, somehow.
“Anyone I marry needs to be able to rule alongside me. In order to do that, he needs to wield a miraculous, but it can’t be just any miraculous. He needs to be able to accept the responsibility of wielding the Black Cat miraculous,” she put it down on the table and their eyes jumped back and forth between her and the ring.
She turned to Damian and fisted her dress in her hand when his eyes met hers, she needed to explain further, she needed to speak, she could freak out later, “I’ll give you a day to consider my condition, in that time I’ll entrust you with the miraculous, you can get to know Plagg, the miraculous’s kwami,” he nodded. She stood and pushed the ring forward so that he could take it.
“Does this mean you accept?” Dick asked, eyes now fully focused on her, the tension still there.
“If Damian accepts my condition, then yes, I accept,” she said simply, hoping that would ease his worry.
It didn’t. He stayed tense, his siblings all in similar conditions as the silence stretched after his words. Marinette looked over them, what could be worrying them so much?
“Um... Marinette, I – we,” Stephanie said hesitantly, gesturing to her and her siblings, “We were wondering if you'd be able to stay in Gotham instead of him moving to – well we know you lead the whole Order and everything but we don’t want to lose him, you know. And I know it’s a lot to ask but...,” she looked at Marinette, and she could see her desperation. So that’s what it was. They didn’t want to loose Damian.
She considered her options. She liked these people, and it wasn’t like she ruled a country, she wasn’t tied down to one place. It wasn’t like them and Gotham where they had to stay in the country.
All she’d have to do is move home base to Gotham and have her court travel and live here, she wanted to be near them. She also wanted to find a place as close to the Castle as possible, but it wouldn’t be hard considering Damian would be her husband.
She pushed the association she’d once had with the word away.
Maybe it would do them all good to move on. To make new memories in a new place. It would certainly do her good not to be somewhere she had made memories with him.
She turned her focus to the siblings. She was pretty sure Cassandra was holding Damian’s arm under the table, Damian was toying with the ring, but his face was resigned. Jason was staring at her as though through willpower alone he could convince her to let Damian stay with them. Dick and Stephanie both looked hopeful and desperate. The King had a blank look on his face but she had no doubt that he, too, was on the edge of his seat.
She met Stephanie’s gaze and gave her a soft smile, “Sure,”
“Sure? What do you mean? Like sure he can – you two- you'll both stay with us like at home?” Jason said, already standing, hands on the table. The others stared at her in varying degrees of surprise and shock. Cass was smiling at her.
She nodded, “I just need to move my Court's home base to Gotham. If he accepts the ring and its responsibilities, I’d be willing to have them move here too,”
Steph stood and ran around the table, grabbing her in a tight hug, “ Thank you,” she said softly.
Marinette felt her heart warm at how much they cared. Damian was staring at her in shock, his mouth slightly hanging open. Dick had a huge smile and Bruce was looking apologetic for Stephanie’s actions.
Marinette looked at this family of people, who she doubted would be related in most situations, and how well they fit.
She watched as Jason squeezed Damian’s shoulder and Dick hugged him from behind. Cass ran a hand softly through his hair and said something to him that made him smile.
She felt her heart long for that kind of familiarity. 
Stephanie pulled back from the hug but held on to her arm. The blonde smiled at her fondly, and Marinette suddenly had a feeling that maybe, it was only a matter of time before she’d have it.
Taglist:
@animegirlweeb @loysydark @toodaloo-kangaroo @forgottenfriends @wolf-for-life @heyitsbugette 
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cloveroctobers · 4 years ago
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• JENIFER “JEN” MARLOWE •
IG Info/bio: @/justjenw1n | 220k followers | Fashion | just a LUVer who owns a lovely blog that you’re more than welcome to check out here... astoldbyjenmarlowe.co.uk 🪞🛍🪄
22 (24) (25 in 2021) years of age
From London, England
Her family has French origins
Tends to visit once a year mainly with her family
For her 18th bday, her parents also sent her to Paris with her bf that she’s been dating since she was 14
they broke up since he wanted to stay in Paris to pursue his dreams and she felt like she needed to be back home...which she felt Paris was not
Extremely close to her parents, some may say a little TOO close...
See, I feel like jen comes from a family that spoils her where her parents did everything and took care of everything for her. She had the privilege and didn’t have to work too hard to get things she wanted so that made her a little bit different than a few of her friends, hell—even her bf
Didn’t have to work until she reached her twenties
She also didn’t have too many friends because her parents felt like her cousins and/or her sibs were really only allowed to hold that title
However her parents had some sort of a soft spot for her when they allowed her to date her bf at 14 since he came from a nice background...
And to have at least 1-2 best friends...
I can’t decide if I see her having 3 other sibs with her being the second eldest, or her being the eldest with a younger sister? I can also see her being a only child too? Idk y’all can decide
Because her family is a tight knit one, she values everything they say and do...which is canon/evident
She got her thigh tattoo in Paris and even thought about asking her parents permission but her bf talked her out of it
she later showed them that night while he was in the shower. Her mother openly disapproved saying it was, “unladylike or unclean” while her father was more lenient towards it 
Her mother even scheduled her for laser appointments but this was one of the things jen was sure of, she loved her tattoo and she didn’t want to erase it from her body which led to her mother not speaking to her for about a month—even tho they live in the same household
I feel like she looks more like her dad with her mom’s hair and smile
Got into fashion due to her maternal grandmother who seemed to live a extravagant life as a old time actress, she always had and owned the finest of things
Jen loved having sleepovers there, it felt like she had her own personal Liz Taylor inside of her nan...but better!
Definitely found inspiration through Liz Taylor, Kate Moss, Victoria Beckham, and Naomi Campbell
she had no clue what she wanted to do in life (she never had to think too hard about it until now, it’s true what they say about your twenties) and she made the choice not to continue thru with uni & I’m not going to make her out to be the stereotypical “dumb blonde” I think she did well in school—so she kinda just chilled after it was all over
Her first job at 20 was probably working in retail where she learned all about the bs you put up with but she loved clothes! That never changed
So she decided 6 months into her job that she was going to make a fashion blog
she made one separate from her tumblr but kept it under construction since she needed to brain storm what exactly this blog would entail
It didn’t take too long to her to figure it out by how she wanted the blog to look then discussing pieces from celebs/models then slowly discussing her own wardrobe + advice
She didn’t immediately gain success for it —altho she did have a good 1k people follow her thru her tumblr where she also provided the link to her separate blog... but she worked/works hard at it, hoping one day it’ll get her somewhere and that maybe she can get paid for it too?
Retail fucking sucks and people are horrible twats so when she was approaching 21 she deff quit with her parents still hammering...more so her dad on what she needs to do with her life but she found happiness in her blog and no one was going to take that away from her —not even her parents
‘What’s the use of working if it doesn’t make you happy?’ She thinks but again! she has the privilege of living under her parents roof and not having to pay bills so she didn’t have to worry too much rn she knows they’d never kick her out right?
she has two bunnies named “bugsy” and “Lola”—u know the reference right?
I feel like she values the flinstones & jetsons because it was something her dad loved watching as a kid and still does , probably has the dvds showcased in her room that she watches when she feels sad
Seems like a smiley person but when she’s sad? It kinda sucks to see cause she turns into a whole different person and she always seems happy with a smile so wide that turns her eyes squinty
If she disagrees with something, she’s 100% giving her opinion whether you like it or not? Wrong is wrong. But when the shoe is on the other foot? She hates being wrong LOL or doesn’t view herself being wrong. Doesn’t take accountability well...at all!
She’s also showed her ass by being a gossiper and fake as hell with Allegra about mc with the whole, “let’s pretend like we’re there for her” if you’re not fucking with somebody just say that or SHOW it sis cause that snakey shit will come back to bite you in the ass (I forgot about this lol as I’m replaying)
she’s all “mega resting bitch face” until she breaks out into a large smile
Libra sun? + Virgo moon? + Gemini rising?
I feel like she only knows what she wants when it comes to relationships but not with the rest of life?
Lol she was very determined with levi in the beginning, explored shit with jake, (I can’t remember if that was after you/mc showed a interest in him or not in that route? I’m doing a talia/Rohan route rn But that’s kinda foul if she’s smiling in ur face and then boom goes and does what she wants but hey that’s the game right? Fck that tho) and then stood by Tim after only some time?
She wasn’t feeling him in the beginning either cause he thought she was too posh for him and snakey which he’s right to some degree but she’s also right if she finds him too immature for her liking
To you jim? Ten? Stans— Idk what their ship name is but it probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run either because I don’t see both of them wanting to change themselves completely to satisfy the other. (Tim tried) Sure if you’re showing unhealthy behaviors and are open to diminishing that for yourself then trying to work on your relationship then that’s great! But they already started from the jump not liking each other’s personalities/characteristics....
And hey! Ofc I know people grow to like things they might have disliked about you in the beginning but you can also find yourself not fully accepting it in a relationship and that doesn’t mean you didn’t try
+ it’s been hinted at that they’re not endgame & if you love yourself some Tim not platonically then this works in ur favor. if not? Then you can keep them endgame by all means! For me? That endgame shit is a no! For those that don’t gaf about either of them that’s fine too lmao
YES I feel like they were both hurt over the breakup and it probably happened right around the holidays or either a couple of months after Christmas/New Years 2019
Jen is probably the type to keep checking up on her ex, not necessarily talking to them but finding out who they’re with now
and if it’s Tim with mc she’s definitely gossiping about the shit with erikah and Allegra or making shady tweets or posts on IG for sure
“5 outfits to wear when you run into your ex” type posts on her blog looool
She hopes if she runs into Tim, she’s looking her best and she would 80% go up to him & mc/his new girl if not mc and be all huggy with him and holding conversation before she even thinks to acknowledge mc/new girl and when she does it’s a shady convo with fake smiles
Absolutely loves watching housewives so she was prepared for that moment if it ever does come
Her parents openly didn’t like Tim which made him feel like shit since it seemed like jen never defended him in front of them but again, she values her parents opinion and always wants their stamp of approval that’s just the way the girl is/ was brought up
She owes them everything but deep down knows that in her relationship with Tim she could have been a little more understanding of his needs like he was with her love for her parents...but she’ll never admit that
Doesn’t get over breakups as easily as it may seem like her exes do in her opinion.
It sure didn’t take long with Tim to date mc/new girl months after they broke up! Which was like a slap in the face
The ex bf she spent time w in Paris who looks like Matthew Noszka is now engaged, lives in AMERICA—& of all places??? California to be exact, and just released his debut album!! She knows which songs are probably about her, it’s a nice album she screamed about it for hours into her pillow and cried for what felt like weeks
Lost her voice over that breakdown too
Her mother even went as far as sending a nasty letter to this ex bf’s new address...since ya know? jen’s dad is a private investigator & all!!! but dad had no knowledge of this being done
She’s still fond of Levi and jake but not like in love with them? Like she thought/felt she was with Tim but she still considers them her mates
Maybe in 2021 she’ll be open to dating again and hopes erikah and Allegra will be her wingwomen when the time comes BUT she’s focusing on her blog rn and it’s the best it’s ever been!
She had the show to thank for that now that she has a manager and is getting paid for running her blog now! That’s right this girl is officially employed!
“At least one good thing came from the show ;) 🧽🥐🥂” type of tweets
There’s never not a moment where she’s not connecting her posts whether thru ig or Twitter to her blog: astoldbyjenmarlowe.co.uk!!!
Both erikah and Allegra talk a little shit about that together...WHEN they DO talk, the pair only really socialize when jen initiates it but if one pisses the other off?? they’re going to gossip about it with the other forsure
She doesn’t look that tall to me? Taller than erikah? 5’2-5’5 the 5 is pushing it for me? Maybe? lol I’m still deciding between her and Allegra far as height and I’m too lazy to go back and see what I put for her
Hates straightening her hair, that pin straight look is not cute to her. She loves having waves and body to her hair
Get her eyebrows micro bladed since she doesn’t have much hair up there to begin with
Adores French cuisine, always has since she was a little girl. Bisque used to be her fav back then and all that she would eat
Loves spring season especially pastel colors when it comes to her wardrobe
The type to say one thing and do the complete opposite
I feel like she probably has a little bit of lisp and it’s not really noticeable until she says some words, she’s insecure about it and thought it had something to do with the structure of her teeth and begged her parents to get them fixed but it literally had nothing to do with them
Yet she still got colorful braces in middle school even tho her teeth were pretty straight. She didn’t have to wear them for a whole year, thank goodness
Went to speech therapy to help
Has stacks of fashion magazines even from the early 90s all over her room: her night stand, her vanity, her closet, underneath her bed etc...
Adores the Hadid sisters, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, & Georgia May Jagger
Makes the best white chocolate chip (that’s right, white not just regular chocolate) banana bread but cooking/baking? Isn’t really her thing
Early riser
Loves yellow: yellow phone case, yellow laptop, yellow room, yellow tulips, yellow shades, etc...
Getting Prada shades was probably one of the best things that happened to her, s/o to her nan for granting her this wish
Words of affirmation is her love lanaguage, this girl is a talker and a bit of a thinker too I mean duh? She runs a blog
Likes bright colors on her toes but nude and clear polish on her hands?
Loves a good mascara but she also loves magnetic lashes but is trying her best to grow her lashes out rn! Thanks to erikah for sending her some good ol’ coconut oil!
Smokey eyes? Set her up
Gets a belly ring, and two more tatts one in between her boobs and the last on her ankle & that one she shed a tear over!
Maybe she’ll start changing her physical attributes more so than the way she carries her life at first? (Or ever) She’ll cut her hair below her collarbone to the top of her chest, and maybe she’ll try a light light LIGHT brunette (she loves being a natural blonde) with blonde highlights? Who knows
loves espadrilles and wedge sandals
Loves going wine tasting and visiting vineyards, if she’s vacationing? You can bet ur ass she’s looking for a vineyard to visit
Deff a lightweight
Here’s her unpopular opinions on s2: Thought Felix was a wannabe Tim and hates the fact that he follows her, thought graham was unattractive and said so to Allegra who snickered, thought marisol’s clothing choices were rather boring,
didn’t feel 100% bad for Hannah but disagrees with the way Gary and noah spoke about her + the way Gary tried to slide back over to Hannah on her comeback episode
but doesn’t feel like Lottie is wrong for choosing Gary after Hannah left
isn’t a fan of priya but is glad she’s doing fashion since jen strongly believes in if something isn’t making u happy then u need to let it go
Thinks Hope should have won and cannot tolerate Bobby. Feels he’s WORSE than Felix,
would be open to dating Ibrahim or Carl from that szn
has spoken to Harry from s3 due to his drunkenness and actually made a friend out of him? But low key wants to get to know seb? Take that info as u will 👀
Her anthem: Michelle — SUNRISE
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having-a-hyperfixate · 3 years ago
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Gonna post this on here so it exists somewhere outside my text messages before my local game store opens in like 8 hours and Neo is officially out. Have my disjointed theorizing and bear in mind that I have only seen the announcement and release date trailers; I didn’t watch the final one cuz I do not trust it not to have huge spoilers in it. *side eyes KH3 trailer* I did play the demo tho.
OKAY. So. I think that after whatever the hell the Inversion was, the Shinjuku Reapers who survived (or maybe caused it who the fuck knows) migrated to Shibuya. And then some kind of Fuckery (thank you auto-caps lol) occurred because they appear to be running the place. And I just. Really don’t think that’s supposed to be happening. So I think that SOMEHOW, IDK how, Joshua’s gotten partially ousted, like he’s still -technically- Composer but someone’s hijacked the connection if that makes sense? And now the squad from Shinjuku is running things. Dunno how deep that conspiracy would go but that’s my theory.
Going from there, I REALLY think Rindo and Fret are playing illegally. I think whoever was running that stand where Fret bought the pins had a few special pins that they were going to give to preselected people. Minamimoto seemed to expect Rindo and Fret to have unusual abilities, and was watching to see what those would be. It stands to reason that there might be other people who had more information who were picking people who’s natural ability would be useful for fixing whatever Fuckery has occurred.
So I think that whoever Fret bought those pins from had special ones specifically for Fret, and while they were eating the pins activates and sent them to the UG, making them illegal players. Because we don’t hear any thought on the way TO the restaurant, and it’s probable that the restaurants have Reaper decals, so no one would notice them flipping to the UG.
I have a suspicion that if someone did pick them out on purpose to give them special pins, then someone has also probably sent Minamimoto to be weirdly helpful. Because like. A huge part of his deal in the first one was that he’s a massive loose canon and doesn’t work with people. That was like 90% of why Mr H went to him with his desperate attempt to stop Joshua.
Speaking of.
was it actually Joshua who picked up the pin??? I feel like that would be too obvious. Nomura is too crafty. But Nomura would also know we know he’s crafty so it could be a DOUBLE fake out and this is a circular argument I’m going insane
If someone did sell them fucky pins on purpose I’m betting it was Mr H because yeah. And he’s worked with Minamimoto before too so I can see him being like ‘listen I can’t get too close to these kids to help without fucking things up on a literally cosmic level so you have to get your shit together for ten minutes this is important’
A friend did send me a screenshot from the final trailer of almost-certainly-Joshua tho, and I can’t stop thinking about the stars on his sleeve. They remind me of this:
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the fusion pin you get at the end of the first game, when all four of you together absolutely blast Kitaniji. Only on his sleeve there are 5 stars instead of 4. Which could mean nothing but it will not get out of my head. Maybe the fifth includes Rhyme????
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transarchivist · 4 years ago
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do you have any podcasts recs? I want to listen to archive 81 but I need some backup and I've already listened to the more "famous" ones, like all of them I binge podcasts like they pay me for me it ajsjjshfje
!!!! ok i'm sorry it's taken me a hot minute to get to you BUT i think i have a good amount of reccomendations :o
these first few are kinda "famous" but i thought i'd point em out just in case! some of them ended a few years ago and they were more well known back when they were running
wolf 359: gotta point this one out juuuust in case you haven't listened to it! amazing sci fi... would drama be the right word? it's very intense and has some really interesting meditations on morality and the self But it's also so extremely funny. complete, ended in 2017
ars paradoxica: america during the cold war, the red scare, intense government conspiracies.... And Time Travel! complicated but amazing plot and a big cast- i would recommend not pausing and listening to something else, it gets complex! mischa stanton directed it so you Know it has stellar sound design (added bonus: lgbt main characters) complete, ended in 2018
the bright sessions: people with superpowers go to therapy! plus: shadowy capitalistic conspiracies, amazing romances and phenomenal character development! i'm not a fan of romances and i Loved the ones here (it's not heavily romance focused though!) (added bonus: lgbt main characters + main lgbt romance) complete, ended in 2018. i think a spin off series is running rn tho!
the adventure zone: this isn't an audio drama, it's an actual play d&d podcast! the first season (balance) is amazing- hilarious and heart wrenching! (the heart wrenching takes a while to kick in but MAN it's so good) the first season ended in 2017. i haven't finished the second big season (amnesty) but i loved what i did listen to, same with the currently running season (graduation)
sayer: starts off as sinister night vale but with an ai and in space, evolves into a complicated save-the-world plot concerning several ais. it's in second person and it's Amazing! lots of meditations on the self and personhood. currently on hiatus but will be ending when it resumes
alice isn't dead: from the people who did night vale! starts as a trucker trying to find her wife, evolves to include shadowy government conspiracies and the power of regular people banding together. ending made me tear up it's really good! it's Big on the horror (the first ep is the only podcast that's ever truly scared me and it continues to scare the shit out of me to this day) but its Extremely Good Horror. very americana too! complete, ended in 2018.
ok that's the more well known ones out of the way, i think? i'm not too confident about how well known some of them are nowadays ^^' all i can say is that i heard abt them frequently in 2016. now onto the lesser known ones ! the ones that are complete are generally pretty short listens (relatively- they're still a good handful of hours at the least)
zero hours: by the wolf 359 people, it's a short anthology that released all at once last year. to pharaphrase/quote the official blurb: each episode is a take on the end of the world, whether the apocalypse is planetary or personal. each episode is separated by 99 years, starting in the past (1722) reaching the present and then overtaking it. surprisingly hopeful ending, made me <:')
i am in eskew: you've probably heard me holler about this before- it follows the trials and tribulations of david ward, who lives in the nightmarish and otherworldly city of eskew. 30 episodes long and complete, with a phenomenal ending! i can't rave about this enough i could Keep talking but i'll cut myself short. it's horror and it's damn good horror! does deal with extremely heavy topics, please be careful!
janus descending: sci fi horror with what has to be the most interesting formatting i've seen in ages: the two points of view alternate each episode... but one is chronological and one is backwards! amazingly done, keeps you guessing until the end! complete. follows peter and chel as they undertake a survey mission on an alien planet
midnight radio: made by @/theradioghost! big on the idea that "all ghost stories are love stories". a 1950s radio hostess gets letters from a fan. horror, big on the 1950s aesthetics, focus on the relationship between one and one's hometown. lovely ending! it's sapphic too :]
the far meridian: by the same people who did ars paradoxica! follows peri, a bit of a hermit who has extreme social anxiety, who lives in a lighthouse that suddenly begins to teleport. each morning peri wakes up and the lighthouse is in a different place! there are like... some horror elements? kinda? but it's not intense imo. it mainly follows peri learning to cope with her anxiety & helping others, with each episode usually having a one off encounter (usually pretty strange!) often has wholesome vibes. s3 is currently in production and is the final season. plus: lgbt characters, and kinda spoilers but peri uses a cane later on!
old gods of appalachia: honestly it's what it says on the tin! a collection of short stories set in historical appalachia that deal with entities beyond human understanding. they're good about trigger warnings, but it's Horror. produced by actual appalachians! stellar music, a Lot strong female characters, and a good amount of lgbt rep! killer music!! it's currently releasing but the latest short story is finished. (do listen in order though!)
the deep vault: by the archive 81 team! in an "almost-post-apocalyptic" america a group of friends chase a rumor about a secret hidden vault, only to Find it! follows the group as they traverse the deep vault. horror, actively points out capitalism a Lot, definetly has an interesting ending! amazing sound design, which is to be expected from dan powell!
tides: the official blurb is short and sweet: "tides is the story of dr. winnifred eurus, a xenobiologist stuck on an unfamiliar planet with hostile tidal forces". extremely snarky and endearing main character and fascinating worldbuilding! i don't know the status of s2, but s1 was really good!
limetown: follows one lia haddock, a public radio reporter, as she tries to unravel the mystery of what happened at limetown. all she knows is that 10 years prior, over 300 men, women and children vanished. horror, mystery, and some sci fi elements. presented in a found footage kinda way. i really enjoyed it, especially the first season. complete.
mabel: horror (big on the haunted house type specifically), sapphic romance, fun take on the fair folk/fae! follows anna limon, an in home carer who's trying to get in touch with her client's estranged granddaughter. evolves into a big fae-horror-romance-thing! really interesting romance tbh. amazing imagery and prose- lots of prose + almost poetry, but it's really good i promise. currently on a post season hiatus
spines: horror but it evolves past just horror in an interesting way (keeping the horror bits, of course). follows wren, who woke up in an attic surrounded by the remains of a cult ritual without any memories of who she is or what she was doing. she searches for answers, encountering creepy shit along the way. really interesting take on the super-secret-organization-that's-always-been-there trope! really good ending. one of the main characters is nonbinary + there's other lgbt main characters.
mirrors: by the people who did spines. also starts as horror but evolves past just horror (it's also sci fi). follows three women in three different centuries who are all experiencing the same haunting. phenomenal take on ghosts! like i can't articulate how cool this angle on ghosts is! s3 is supposed to start this year :] one of the main characters is sapphic, and her wife is a supporting character.
the six disappearances of ella mccray: also by the people who did spines and mirrors. evolves past just horror but keeps more of the horror elements? follows the 6 povs of the people who witnessed the surreal disappearance of ella mccray. each saw something different and surreal, and as they search for her, surreal things start happening to them. unsure abt the status of s3 but s1 and s2 are really good! lgbt main characters, including a trans lesbian (played by a trans woman!)
the bridge: horror. follows the crew of watchtower 10 on the transcontinental bridge that spans across the atlantic ocean. i listened to it back in like 2016-2017 so my memory is hazy, but i remember really enjoying it! currently on hiatus.
within the wires: sci fi... horror..? i listened to the first season a few years ago and enjoyed it and i've continued to hear really good things. it's by the people who make night vale! my memory isn't great but iirc the first season is a sort of romance that's formatted as a set of relaxation/meditation cassettes. it's a few seasons in and i think each is generally self contained, im unsure if it's currently running or not
the orbiting human circus of the air: also by the night vale people! again i listened to this a few years ago so im hazy. follows julian the janitor who works at a radio station that broadcasts from the top of the eiffel tower! surreal but in a wholesome way, iirc! i remember tearing up with happy tears at the s1 finale ^^' really good music! i think the second(?) season ended recently
stellar firma: i've only listened to a handful of episodes, but i've liked what i've heard. sci fi improv comedy that follows the newly made clone david 7 and the mess that is trexel geistman as they try and design custom planets. i think it's currently running but i dunno
rusty quill gaming: also another one that i've only listened to a few episodes of. actual play pathfinder (basically d&d) podcast set on an alternate earth. alex newall (martin's voice actor) is the dm. i've heard really good things from a lot of people! i think it's currently running but again i don't know for sure
right! that's. that's what i got.
i mentioned @/theradioghost earlier (shes behind midnight radio) but i would absolutely recommend looking at her rec list tag! she has impeccable taste
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bee-kathony · 6 years ago
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Four Years | October 18th, 2014
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January 2nd, 2014 - February 15th, 2014 - March 8th, 2014 - April 12th, 2014 - May 2nd, 2014 | Year One - June 13th, 2014 | July 29th, 2014 | August 9th, 2014
Year One - October 18th, 2014
My strength was returning. Day by day I felt myself knitting back together, becoming whole once again. One of the things that had really helped me was a support group for people who had survived or were going through cancer.
Damocles Syndrome. The name given to the feeling of fear that the cancer or illness will return, an ever present sword, dangling above your head. To survive was one thing but to continue to live… that was something else entirely.
During my weakest moments, I begged for death to take me. The white light as they say. I wished for no more pain, no more feeling. Most of all I wished to rid Jamie of the burden that was me.
That’s why when I voiced these thoughts to him late one night, he suggested going to a support group.
“There’s only so much I can say, Sassenach, only so many times I can tell ye I love ye and yer beautiful.” His hand traced a pattern back and forth over my arm. “And I will tell ye everyday but ye need to be around people who can understand… really understand what’s goin’ on inside that wee head of yer’s.”
“You’re right.” I sighed, “The hospital has a few different groups, I suppose I can call Joe and ask him to sign me up for one. If it will make you feel better…” I moved closer to him in the bed, no longer shrinking back from his touch but craving it.
“Aye, Sassenach. It will make me feel better to know that while ye heal physically…” he kissed the top of my head, his lips pressed against the short hair, “yer mind heals as well.”
“I’m not promising any results, Jamie, only that I’ll go and check it out.”
“I ken that. But I’m praying to God himself that ye’ll finally start to see yerself as I do.” He looked at me as if I was his whole world, his hand now cupping my check as we lay together.
“And how do you see me?” I couldn’t help but ask, what girl wouldn’t?
Jamie sighed, a smile curving across his lips, “I dinna have enough time in the world to tell ye everything but I’ll say a few.” He pulled me into him, his hand covering the back of my head as I rested it into the crook of his neck.
“First of all, yer a damn fucking warrior.” He laughed, shaking my body with his, “Ye barely even complained, Sassenach. I saw ye hurtin’ but ye never made a fuss. Weel… ye maybe complained about the food but aye, who wouldn’t.”
I felt safe against him as he wrapped his body over mine. Jamie was my outer shell, protecting me from what I couldn’t protect myself from. Willing himself to save me, to save us.
“Yer also a good surgeon, even tho ye havena touched a blade in a long time, I know ye wield it with power, a healer’s touch.”
“You barely even knew me while I was still operating on actual patients,” I thought back to the day he told me he loved me, the same day I learned about my tumor. That was barely two months into our relationship.
Now it’d been nine months since the day I found him in the shower. The scars I had seen on his back I now felt under my fingers, slowly tracing the outline of a particularly deep cut. Jamie’s scars were external while mine were internal. Together we were a mess… but a beautiful mess.
That night I had fallen asleep with Jamie’s body close to mine, his mouth confessing my bravery and kindness. During the night I woke to hear him whispering something in Gaelic but every few words I understood a word in English. I heard “dove”, “preserve”, “harm” and “beloved” and drifted back to sleep, the word’s of my protector covering me.
++++++
The air was changing, turning from the heat of summer into the crisp chill of autumn. I’d taken to sitting out on our balcony in the evenings. The fresh air filling my lungs as the breeze calmed my soul.
My feet were propped up on the railing, a cup of ginger lemon tea in my hands, warming the chill that never seemed to leave my body.
“Bonny day, isn’t it?”
“Mmm, yes.” Jamie walked out, a cup of coffee in one hand, the other he placed on my shoulder.
“Would be even more bonny if we were somewhere tucked away in the Highlands, do ye think?”
On our first date, Jamie promised to take me to the Highlands after my confession that I’d never been. As a doctor, my time was spent with patients; before Jamie, I had no reason to travel outside of Edinburgh.
“Are you asking me?”
Jamie walked to stand in front of me, his hand settling on my propped up ankle, “Will ye, then? Go to the highlands wi’ me? Dance under the stars? ’Tis yer birthday in two days is it no’?”
“Yes, it is my birthday,” I smiled, “And I’d like that very much, please.” Jamie dipped his head to kiss me, “Aye, dinna worry about packin’ yer bag,” his face hovered close to mine, “I’ve already seen to it.”
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We were six hours into our journey to the Isle of Skye. Jamie had booked a small cottage in the highlands, remote from the rest of the world. One week, one peaceful week to get away from all the sickness and hurt that was always lurking. A change of scenery to boost my spirits.
We should’ve been there by now but Jamie insisted on stopping in Fort William to check out Old Inverlochy Castle. I had to admit the Highlands had a certain… magical element about them. The heather moorlands were strikingly beautiful, the purple jumping out as we drove past.
My eyes had been staring at the inside of our loft and the hospital for months. To finally venture out was just what I needed. I also knew this would be good for Jamie, he wasn’t a homebody but he became one for me.
“You packed the board games right?” I tried to look back into the boot of the car.
“Aye, dinna fash, Sassenach. I’ll no’ make ye sit around, I’ll keep ye entertained.” His hand slid over my knee, smoothing over the small rip in my jeans.
Twenty minutes later we reached our destination. Set against the greenery of the Highlands, the small white cottage looked idyllic.
The next few hours we spent on the couch, watching the last two Harry Potter films. One day I hoped that we could actually visit the theme park in Florida.
“Do you think next year, when I’ve been officially tumor free for one year, we could go and visit Harry Potter World?” I voiced my desires to Jamie, his body under mine, breathing steadily.
“Aye, that’d be incredible actually.” He perked up, “We could get robes! And ride the train, the chocolate frogs, Sassenach! Just think about the chocolate frogs.” Jamie smiled, his hands resting on the small of my back.
“And wands too.” I placed a kiss on his lips and it deepened, the movie forgotten for the time being. I could feel another “wand” directly below me that I wanted to have.
I shifted my body slightly so I sat up on Jamie’s lap. He watched me as I brought my hands to the waistband of his sweats. No words were spoken, they didn’t need to be. This was my turn to show him how much I loved him.
Jamie’s breath grew shallow, his eyes turning a dark blue as I pulled down the material over his hips along with his briefs.
Since that day in the gym bathroom, I hadn’t seen his cock. We had never dressed or showered together, avoiding temptation as best we could. Jamie was a saint, if I was being honest with myself. What grown man sleeps next to a woman each night and doesn’t at least try and sleep with her? And I was even surprised at myself, back in the day I had been quite provocative; I blamed the medication for my lack of sexual drive.
I knew the time was coming though, when I would be ready. My pain grew less and less each day.
I took him in my hand and met his gaze.
He was warm in my grip, a throbbing against the palm of my hand. I started to stroke him, and the pad of my thumb pressed against the tip of his cock. Jamie’s eyes were small slits, I knew he wouldn’t close them completely — just so he could watch me.
His hands came to hold my waist, “Sassenach,” he sighed and I moved my hand faster, sliding my other hand in-between his thighs to grip his balls. Jamie arched his back off the couch then fell against the cushions, his breathing becoming more rapid, “Christ, yer wee hands.”
“Does this feel good, Jamie?” I added more pressure from my hand and he squeezed his lips together, unable to speak. I was feeling quite mischievous, so I reluctantly released him and bent my head over his stomach to take him in my mouth.
Jamie’s hand pressed against my shoulder, “No, Sassenach, ye dinna have to.”
“I want to Jamie.” I smiled and my tongue flicked out over his warm skin, the wiry hairs under his belly button scratching my cheek. Jamie groaned as I swirled my tongue on his cock. It didn’t take long before he was groaning and arching his back as he came in my mouth.
His hand was almost too tight on my arm and then suddenly he pulled me up to meet his lips.
Jamie’s grip loosened and he rolled us over so we now lay on our sides. With one hand he tucked himself back into his sweatpants, “Dinna need that hangin’ out or I’m afraid I willna be able to stop myself from takin’ ye mo nighean donn.”
“Soon, I promise.” I whispered against him, our foreheads now pressed together.
“Aye.” He kissed my nose, “Thank ye, Claire. For that.” Jamie’s cheeks went a deep shade of pink, his ears following suit.
++++++
After the movie, we cleaned up and started preparing dinner. Jamie had prepared two grilled cheeses, cheddar, gruyere, and feta with tomato soup on the side. My appetite had grown exponentially so I asked for another and ate it swiftly.
Laying on a blanket outside, hands intertwined, the sky shined above us, the stars twinkling their best for us tonight. Jamie’s thumb rubbed back and forth over my finger, sending a swarm of butterflies to my belly. For months now I hadn’t felt much of anything, least of all butterflies.
Just then, he rolled onto one side and sat up, with his head resting on his hand, “Sassenach, I just want to say a small thing and then I’d like to ask ye to dance.”
I reached up to brush back a stray curl that had fallen in his eyes, “What is it, love?”
“I willna stop lovin’ ye.” His fingers traced along my lips, “No’ in this life or the next, ye are my ev’ry thought,” his fingers brushed my neck and down softly against my collarbones, “my ev’ry heartbeat belongs to you.” Like a marble statue, I lay still as Jamie’s hand continued to trace down my arm and settle to hold my hand.
“Yer face is my heart Sassenach and the love of ye is my soul.”
Closing the space between us, I rolled to my side to kiss him. Jamie knew all the right words to say. I often felt I couldn’t express my feelings properly, at least not in the way that he did.
“I love you, Jamie. Even when I don’t say it as often as I should… just know I’ll never stop loving you either.”
Jamie moved his hand to cover my head which was now adorned with a beanie, the fluffy kind. “I think yer short hair is growin’ on me, Sassenach. Maybe I should join ye and shave off my own hair?”
I opened my eyes wide, “Don’t you dare shave off that beautiful red hair, Jamie Fraser!” I laughed, my hand now touching said hair, “I can pull off this look but you cannot, dear.”
“Och, yer sayin’ ye only love me for my hair then?” He laughed, scooping me up to lay on top of him.
“Aye, Jamie ’tis what I’m sayin’” I mocked his accent which made him laugh and my body move with his.
“Ahh, Sassenach. One of these days I’ll teach ye a proper Scottish accent, yers is terrible.” He kissed me then, thoroughly.
“I promised ye a dance under the stars, mo cridhe and a dance ye shall have.” Jamie rolled us to the side and stood, offering his arms out for me to take. There was music already playing from a small portable stereo Jamie had brought outside.
As he wrapped his arms around my waist, I tucked my head against his chest and the music filled the air.
“And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely, that’s alright, honey, that’s alright with me. Oh you laugh like there’s hope in the story.”
Jamie’s hands rested on my waist, holding me closely to him. The words of the song echoed through my bones. Reminding me to live and to laugh while I still could.
“Oh, you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always, always here, I’m aways, honey, always here.”
His t-shirt was thin and I felt his rough scars against the pads of my fingertips. The pain that he had been through, the hurt, hanging in the balance of life and death. Jamie had come out on the other side, torn and bruised — but whole. As Jamie swayed us in slow circles, the stars bright above us, I knew I would make it out of this.
++++++
On my birthday, Jamie woke me up with a chocolate cake in bed, softly singing ‘Happy Birthday’. I rolled over onto my back and stared up at him, he was beaming and his smile was so wide it was infectious. I found myself filled with a happiness I hadn’t known for so many months.
“Blow out yer wee candles, Sassenach.” He held the cake out and I inhaled deeply before blowing out the 2 and 8 candles on top.
Jamie set the cake on the side, “What did ye wish for mo nighean donn?”
I pulled him closer and kissed him, “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.”
“That’s no’ fair…” he kissed my nose, “Weel — is it somethin’ I can do for ye?”
“Like what?” I laughed and then froze as he shimmed down the bed and pulled back the covers. His hands grabbed hold of my ankles. “Jamie,” I said nearly breathless.
“Happy Birthday, Sassenach.” Jamie smiled as he spread me open and placed his mouth firmly between my legs.
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jaeminlore · 7 years ago
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vampire!donghyuck
right! so donghyuck was turned not to long ago like maybe?? one or two weeks?
he was walking home from school one night when a vampire attacked him and sucked his blood
donghyuck thought he was going to die right there but he woke up the next morning on the side of the road w fangs and extraordinarily sharp senses
and he’s freaking out like he has no idea what to tell his parents or how to tell his parents
like hey mom and dad!! i’m a vampire now!!
so he takes his precious time walking to his house, even tho his new vampire strength is begging him to pick up speed
and when he gets inside,,, his mom can see how his skin is washed out and his eyes are surrounded by subtle purple rings
her son’s eyes aren’t his anymore, they’re now amber and predatorial
donghyuck is like “mom… pls help me…”
but she doesn’t. she calls in her husband. it takes him one glance at donghyuck to decide he no longer has a son
they give him an hour to get his stuff
then donghyuck is officially a homeless vampire fledgling, who had no idea how to deal with his newfound powers
after three nights of sleeping on benches and being awoken to the sun burning his skin and forcing him to hide in the local bookstore all day,,,, he finally gets noticed by vampire!taeil,,, who asks him if he needs a place to live
and so donghyuck becomes the new resident of the nct household
he’s nervous,, but when he enters,,, no one seems fazed
in fact the entire house is pretty weird and strange,,, there are frozen animal brains in the freezer,,, and donghyuck once sat on a cushion that yelled at him and turned into a boy
but becoming a vampire isn’t easy,,,, and donghyuck is rather bitter at everything in general
he just wants to be human again
he doesn’t even like blood and when taeil makes him these wierd blood milkshakes he nearly gags at how much his body seems to crave the disgusting substance
eventually he has enough. he’s going to eat a burger if it kills him
(and it might. he doesn’t know vampire physiology)
so he picks a convient day ,,, when the house is out of blood ,,, and tells taeil that he’s heading out to get some
instead, he heads straight to the closest mcdonalds and orders a big mac and a large coke
but :( it doesn’t taste good at all :(
donghyuck didn’t even expect his body to reject human food like this,,,, maybe since he doesn’t need it anymore his body views it as waste??
he doesn’t know,,,, but it makes him even more bitter tbh
on his way back home he realizes that he was here to get blood,,, but he has no idea where taeil gets those large sacks of sheep’s blood from
so he heads to the closest shopping plaza and sees party city ,,,, he gets the idea that if taeil sees that he has blood ,,,, he probably won’t question donghyuck where he got it from ,,,, or taste test it like a weirdo
so donghyuck figures he’ll get a bag of fake blood and just trick taeil into thinking he picked up a small bag for a snack
he heads into the party store and goes immediately to the scary section,,,, there on the shelf is only one fake sack of blood ,,,, a bit lighter than the actual fluid ,,,, but it’s all they have
donghyuck reaches for it just as another hand does,,,,, a clearly human hand from the healthy-looking skin
donghyuck looks down to see you, who is lowkey super cute, trying to take his fake blood
“what do you think you’re doing?” he asks, his hand still gripping the bag
you struggle to pull the bag towards you “i’ve been looking for fake blood all day for my school play,,,, there’s no way you’re going to take it from me,,,,”
but donghyuck isn’t backing down either,,,, so the two of you play a lame game of tug of war before donghyuck has finally had enough,,, and he bares his fangs at you
you release immediately,,,,, and your eyes are wide and terrified,,, donghyuck sees something in your eyes,,,, and he realizes that he made a mistake. he shouldn’t have done that.
“i’m s—” before he can apologize, you’re out the door, rushing to your car
donghyuck feels lousy,,,,, and when he tells taeil what happened he feels even lousier,,, bc taeil tells him that vampires get a lot scarier right before they’re going to bite
“i wasn’t going to bite!” donghyuck argued
“but you bared your teeth,, what’s a human supposed to think?”
the next few days donghyuck feels horrible,,, he wants to find you again somehow and apologize,,, he wants to clear the air and make everything okay with you ,,,, he’ll even give you the bag of fake blood he bought
he has no idea how to do it,,, until one day witch!mark mentions that his school is putting on a romeo and juliet play
mark and donghyuck go to different schools,,, since mark goes to a more private school and donghyuck is in the public school of their town
didn’t you mention needing the blood for a play?
he knows his school isn’t doing a play so this must be the one,,,, this is where he can go apologize to you
he just hopes you’ll accept it
donghyuck gets there early, with his hair almost in his eyes as he walks into the school’s auditorium
“excuse me, rehearsals are still going on. you can’t be here,” someone, perhaps the drama teacher, tells donghyuck
“i’m here for my friend. she, uh, asked me to find her some fake blood. i’ve got it.”
“oh, you’re a friend of y/n! everyone’s backstage, go on ahead.”
donghyuck nods and walks backstage,,, a bit nervous bc he’s afraid of what you’ll do when you see him again,,,, he’s also afraid that you’ll look at him like you did at the store ,,,, as if he rlly was a terrifying monster
he finally spots you in jeans and a t-shirt, applying makeup onto who he assumed was the juliet of the play
“uhh… y/n?”
you turn around and jump, startled that the vampire from the shop had found you. you pull him away from curious ears. “h-hi? how did you find me?”
donghyuck shrugs, “you mentioned a play and this was the only one in town. i, uh, brought your fake blood.”
“oh. thanks.” you gingerly take it out of his hands and look at it. “you really came all this way just to give me fake blood?”
“no. i came to apologize for scaring you. i’m a recently turned vampire and i still don’t know all of my abilities yet. i don’t want you to think i was ever even thinking about hurting you,,, because i wasn’t.”
you smile brightly then, and donghyuck can feel himself calming down “i accept your apology. i shouldn’t have overreacted about the blood. technically you did see it first.”
donghyuck detects a blush on your cheeks as you continue, “maybe you’d like to stay and watch the play with me? i have an extra ticket.”
donghyuck smiles widely,, and you can see his fangs again, but they aren’t scary or ferocious or anything. they’re just cute. “i’d love to.”
so after you finish up your backstage work and all the actors are called to the stage, donghyuck and you walk towards your seats
“wait… what were you, a vampire, doing with fake blood anyway?”
“… don’t ask”
part of the monster!nct collab w @trickortaeil
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theday · 7 years ago
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mx in sg: the experience
FHJGDGHSHGFGGHD as usual starting off with the keyboard smash anyway! ill be talking about my experience seeing mx live yesterday (3/3) second part is abt when mx were on stage but its quite dry bc i dont remember much
ill be going in chronological order so [jooheon voice] lets get it
i was gonna meet my friend (karissa) at 3:30 because we were going to meet the person selling us our tickets at 4pm but that got delayed until like 5pm which was fine though
anyway i met her and we started queueing because although official queuing was supposed to start at 6pm they pushed it forward to 3pm (which was unfortunate for those who were busy and couldnt come until much later - the organizer never released an official statement saying the queuing started earlier) 
so as soon as karissa and i arrived at like. the place (near the venue) we got lost for about a whole 5 minutes lmao so i texted james asking him where the hell . they were and we made it and joined the queue immediately (we were the last few people of the second batch) 
we just sat there and. collected freebies and our banners (for the fan events) while we waited for the seller to come give us our tickets 
when they came i was like . fucking screaming because one of the seller was someone i knew from primary school (4 years ago) and i was likeudghdgghdhsh??????? that was the highlight of the daydhfhs
after we bought the tickets and shit we were slightly concerned they wouldnt work lmao but they did god bless
while we waited for the doors to open and stuff a group of people did dance covers of mx songs and later other groups too everyone was cheering for them which was nice fgfghdgh
the hype died down and we just waited quietly until it hit 6pm and i started listening to the day6 stream LMAO but after 4 songs i had to stop because suddenly everyone was standing up?? 
for nothing though because we sat down like 30 minutes later at around 7? 7:30? everyone stood up again and this time people were given wrist tag things u kno.. ya there were three (?) kinds i think gold for those who held a superfan ticket, pink for general admission and some other colour for those who got tickets for free and could sit on chairs dhdghs 
it was a free standing event in an outdoor space so superfan ticket holders got to stand closer to the stage? and those with general admission had to stand behind us and it was separated by a barricade 
we entered at like 8pm because we were the second batch (there was a third batch behind us) and it was already filled?? not exactly but from where we were standing we couldn’t really see the stage 
in the end we were in the middle which wasnt exactly the best but its definitely better than those standing all the way at the back rip 
i think at like 7:45 they started playing the music videos and everyone was shouting the lyrics it was cute i loved it but my throat told me to die after i yelled for like all of their mvsjhdgdghd 
also when all in played u bet my ass i jumped up and downdhg
also water wasnt allowed inside which i think is normal so i chugged mine down as fast as i could before entering (i had a little left and the lady let me in with it thanks queen) (i drank it all before they even came on stage)
the hype was real though and it was great 
when it hit 8:30pm the introduction video started and suddenly i was getting pushed forward and wow . dont go if ur not a fan of people invading your personal bubble. i wish fans had more sense to Not push around and stuff but what can we do rip 
other than that when they came out oh gOD when they came out i was likebfhgddgs??!?!??!?! i had to stand on my tip toes to see them
they started with beautiful and i was liek. dissociating i jsut sang along and shit it was amazing?????? 
the first person i saw was kihyun and then minhyuk?? i dont remember who else i saw but iw ss losing my fucking mind over how good everyone looked
anyway after that was um.............. fuck. .... i dont know..........
IFMFHGHSGF IM CRYING MY BRAIN TOLD ME TO DIE
white love maybe? i think they did like an introduction of themselves ??
anyway ill figure the songs out later they started playing games i think or was that another time im bad at this clearly 
ask james for the details of the songs i dont remember shit from that i just remember singing along to the songs badly and moving my arm back and forthhfgsgh 
also team work makes the dream work because karissa was recording and i helped her to zoom in and ensure they looked human with the brightness and stuff fhjdgsgh 
but !! everyone did the fanchants really well it was so heartworming 
also during white love they made us do that one part u know the one and it was awesome!!!!! during white sugar they threw m&m’s and i got to get a good look at their faces without having to look at the screen!! 
honestly was good too god im so happie 
hm. they did a mon-story time and showed us pics from previous eras (trespass > i dnt remmeber fuck > beautiful world tour > mxray > first win) ?? might be wrong dghdgs and they talked about stuff that happened i blanked out though so i dont know what they said 
also when they flashed the first win part they started throwing hands @ each other usual mx shit dhjgsgd
we chanted monsta x and they chanted monbebe back at us :-( i love them
i think changkyun said he doesnt wnat to do another season of mxray LMAODHFGHHGS fucking loser 
the translator made me laugh he was super monotone fhgdghfsh
then they played mon-ccaso dghghfsh and drew what they wanted to eat with singaporean mbb!!
there was a bug in front of wonho and he got !!!! fhdgh cute .
shownu: ????? what was it ?? a drink it looked like a cocktail and kihyun was like “non alcoholic” dghffsgs
wonho: ice cream!!! hes so cute his drawing was so cute also he wrote monbebe before they announced the game his handwriting is so pretty tf
minhyuk: ramyeon lmao (in his words: traditional korean noodles) 
kihyun: uh oH HE DREW A CRABFGHGSHS and said chili and pepper crab!!!
hyungwon: he drew a shrimpfhggdgs fucking . it was so cute
jooheon: mandu!! or dumplings :D
changkyun: water. JHDHGDGSG KING HONESTLY IW AS LIKE JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN EXCITEMENT!! love me a water stan 
anyway they talked about what they drew and when it came to minhyuk’s turn he was like guess and everyone just shit on him DHJDHSHG 
some examples: “hair” Gghdhg and some fans (including me) screamed cucumberhjfghgs let this man live 
minhyuk also tried to make fun of jooheons drawing but it failed bc none of us understood his joke
so they made us vote by screaming and they each stood up while holding their sketchbooks and we’d scream
winner was changkyun (i yelled my heart out and jumped bitch)
FHGSGG W INNER HAD TO DO AEGYO THOUGHDG played urself
they did oppaya and i think there are fancams somewhere
then they made wonho do it hhdggs best 1 minute of my life
after that was uhh??????? brain machine broke i dont know im not even going in order anymore
they either did from zero first or the fan videos were shown first
if so the fan videos were of fans talking about how much they love/appreciate mx and it was sweet after that we raised our banners for the fan vid
and then the CAKE came for wonho and we sang happy birthday to wonho (kihyun asked us to sing once too at the start hjdghgsg we did that in english this time it was in korean) 
also funny hfgdhgs thing... they talked in korean and a lot of people replied in korean so they got shockedhfgh FUCJ DAY6 ok safe im listening now
i think they (minhyuk?) asked who thought/if he was handsome and got rly happie when we said yea
after him someone asked too LOLJHDGSG
back 2 whatever fdsh um oh yeah the cake was done to look like ramyeon in a pot :D ill add a link
wonho cut himself with the knife D-: babie 
he kept wanting to eat it though so hopefully he liked it 
maybe after that they did from zero???? ufhffghsgghdg idk
after that was hero!!!!!!! god we were all so pumped 
shine forever next 
and then they stopped to take a break i thinkfhgshgd 
at some point they asked fans (a jooheon stan and a wonho one) what songs they liked :-D the jooheon one said beautiful and the other said ill be there if im not wrong
they also made the rappers sing bits from some songs hfgsg i dont remember which songs tho hdhs
changkyun tried his besthjdg
they did their ending ment and went to dramarama!! 
after that it was silent for like 5 minutes max as we chanted mx and for encore
they came out and did ill be there (?) (first verse to chorus) and talked again before doing 5:14! 
they were dressed in casual tshirts which was a relief hjghgdh because it was reallly fuckng hot hdh changkyun mentioned the weather too sorry dude thats life
they waved at fans and played amongst themselves kihyun dumped water on jooheon LMAO i got a clear view of that
stay hydrated !
they just kept dumping water on each other i love a family :-D
and then they said bye and left
jooheon kept going byEE though dhgdhs hes so cute :-( 
ok heres what i thought abt the monstas themselves
kihyun looked especially good with that tie by the way 
jesus i got to see wonho with dark hair i truly. died
ALSO SHOWNU LOOKS SO HANDSOME IRL!!!! MY WIG WAS SNATCHED!!!!!!!!!!!
hyungwon was rly cute too when he interacted with the fans :-(
there was one time wonho smiled and it was caught on the screen i . felt my heart burst in that moment
alsowwhen minhyuk took center position for their choreos he has this ?? charisma ??? its amazong like the one smirk/grin he does u know that? yeah i saw it in beautoful and died
joohoen and changkyun also did their best hyping mbbs up by yelling to sing along and stuff ihdjgf i love them
this is just mx loving hours 
also kihyun did the DHDHHSH EYE SMILE!!! HE DID IT SO MANY TIMES HE WAS SO HAPPIE I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!
i didnt get to see jooheon much but he was so playful with minhyuk it was so cute!!!!!!! 
they all look so good and sound even better live!!! kihyuns adlibs god help me. 
i love them so much. i really do fhhdghghs im happy i went no more regrets and no more telling myself i didnt have a blast because i!!!! i loved every second of it even when i got someones hair stuck to my arm LMAO 
after it ended we immediately left for the exit andggdghs WOW standing up i was fine but moving?? moving was HELL my legs hurt so bad
ok so we got home and thats that but like.... heres where my self reflection comes in
so you dont have to read this part
i think. the reason i dont remember much is because.. i dont want to? like. at some point i got a clear view of wonho in the Flesh and i was thinkng about how i was really seeing them? for real????? and i got. really sad i think?? 
so to prevent myself from getting sad i probably tried to forget? everything?? theres also my bad memory of course but i cant even remember their faces i feel like its because im trying to forget or some deep shit 
anyway i think im also makig myself not be happy??? this is phrased v bad but its like im trying to kill the fun and only think abt the negatives of the whole event
which wasnt even much so its like. my minds blankfhjfhd
talking about it here helps though like i get to. share and actually talk about what happened so yeah i can say that i had fun even though i couldnt see them i had a blast singing along it was awesome
the only bad part was how i didnt like watching from the screens because it felt like i wasnt seeing them live?? ooMGHDDS DAY6 ARE DOING BETTTER BTTER
tldr; im not that upset over it now thank god and i can proudly say i had fun and although i cant remember much it was a great experience
thank you for coming to my tedtalk if you did <3
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wildflower8281 · 6 years ago
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Some of the Crazy Shit in #nunlife
I’m trying to understand why I’m feeling so moved to write (again!) about much of this and share it. I think the answer is 3-fold:
1.) To bring awareness to an institution that is little known and that does a few things well, but a buncha things not so greatly. Incase any friends, parents or girls considering religious life ever read this – I have been and am happy to be available to connect and share more. I’ve been doing this for years offline – just sharing the behind the scenes, so as to remove the idealistic view that this order portrays. People be free to make their own decisions, tho!
2.) For me, there is a release and a letting go that happens when I write and share it out. It’s like the energy of it all is no longer lingering in my body and mind. It’s on the laptop and it’s out in the world. While I’ve had lots of pieces of my transition on my tumblr for years and other #nunlife posts on fb before, for some reason I’m feeling moved to write this way and share now, so here I am!
3.) I think my #conventlife is also like a really good book. You can revisit it at various points in your life and see new things, take in new messages, read the nuances even further. It’s pretty fascinating to me, so I enjoy revisiting, looking at parts from new perspectives, and allowing new lessons and wisdoms to appear for me.
(Below, basketball games and birthday celebrations with some of our very favorite youth and families.) 
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In my last post, I shared a lot of what life in Spanish Harlem was like, as a missionary sister, living day to day. Pretty basic nun stuff, even if it was new to readers. Here I’m going to follow-up with some events during my 4 years in San Pablo that I have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because I’m pretty sure without them taking place, I may never have left (and leaving has been all things awesome, so!)….and I hate them because they were truly some of the most difficult, exhausting, dark years of my life on all levels. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it was the Universe going: “Here – you are getting the intensive course on burnout…Imma send you a legit crazy (1 definite, a few mas or menos) and make you literally in charge of everything…for 2+ years. Then, you’ll die, want to leave and get on with your life.” 
I think like any people-pleaser, like anyone who can’t say no, like anyone who knows not their own voice – my story is no different, with the exception that I was wearing a bright blue habit and a veil. The rules were a little more dramatic – to say no, was saying no to God….and quitting was quite literally scandalous….but still, same structure. I think we all have our own levels of what drives us to our utter exhaustion and burnout. For me, it was a mentally ill sister and replacing another who left, with little support in either situation. This is not a complete piece about why I left – as ultimately the motivation was much more interior - but more a list of external events and circumstances that led to my utter collapse on all levels.
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How To Get Girls to Leave Religious Life in 3 Easy Steps:
·         Make them Superior. Firstly, being the “superior” of nuns older than you both in religious life and real life just felt uncomfortable. Dealing with the Pastor without having any mission experience was also highly uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was the most stoic priest ever and only spoke when necessary. It was annoying and scary at first. (After getting to know him over the years, however, that eased up & I learned he was like a really big-hearted Uncle, who had drank the Stoic Koolaid. It’s cool. I admire him for many things still to this day. He has actually since left the order, but is still a priest!) Being sent to Harlem as superior was like this: “Here, be in charge of all operations in this place you’ve never been to, and be in charge of these people who have been here longer than you.” It was just annoying and stressful!!! That’s what I got for being responsible & docile. Of course, I looked to the sisters who had been there longer for most of my answers in those first years. I knew how to be humble, yo! But still – I really didn’t enjoy being the Superior.. Training was joke – barely a week. It’s “the missionary adventure!” they said. “Trust the Holy Spirit!” they said! “Grace will provide!” they said!  #Koolaid, I say, to help the cray go down easier.
·         Send them a Crazy. My 2nd year there, the Provincial Superior decided to send me a “troubled” sister. Due to my “calm and peaceful nature” she thought I could handle this sister and would be a good superior for her and that I should really try to bond with her, so that she would trust me & get better, etc. This sister was notorious for her emotional outbursts & instability and for having been shipped from convent to convent, because of the trouble she caused....
 Long, long story short-ish – she ended up having Borderline Personality Disorder, which we discovered during her stint in Harlem. (Before I go any further, please know I take mental illness very seriously. If there is any circumstance that made me realize it’s a very serious thing, it would be the one I am describing here. It’s no joke, it’s not her fault, but many versions of BPD do require intense programs to really get anywhere. I learned and read a shit-ton about it all, not to mention lived it on a daily basis in a very intimate way. I am in no way here blaming this sister for her antics, as clearly the #ssvm is to blame for not responsibly providing her the care she clearly needed.) She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist and it was recommended by him (note, a doctor who specialized in treating catholic religious….) that she be put into an intensive treatment program – like a 3-4 day a week program. It was also suggested that she go home to Argentina until she was well, or just for good. Well, the order carried out none of the recommendations of the doctors blaming money constraints and also because “the sick are our chalices” – a brainwashy line in our rulebook to make us think it’s virtuous and saintly to care for every member who is sick in any way, and never send them home. Keeping them with us and taking care of them is like making spiritual bank, basically. So, she stayed in our convent for 2+ years, basically causing unrest on a weekly and, often daily basis. Personally, it was emotionally exhausting for me, as I was the person closest to her & obliged always to care for her (the rest of the sisters basically avoided her and walked on egg-shells around her.) If you know anything about this mental illness, you know that it’s the people closest to them that they manipulate, abuse and have a love/hate relationship with. I think I went to more doctors appointments with her in those 2 years, than ever in my life – every specialist of every kind, there was always something. Basically anything to get my attention. Days when she would cry for hours on end, lock herself in the bathroom, bang her head against the wall, threaten suicide, be totally rebellious….and most of these situations, it was just me and her in the convent. Everyone else was out doing their things in the parish, but I was stuck at home, dealing with her. Despite that though, she found a way to piss off, provoke and drive all my sisters crazy. People with this mental illness are very emotionally savvy and know exactly what to say to provoke and push buttons. The sisters fell for it over and over again, until they finally learned & paid her no mind, which is what she could not stand. Same with me. This is how I learned to not engage. It’s been one of the wisest practices of my life & has saved me a lot of bullshit. The provincial superior, no matter how many things I shared with either of them (there were 2 during my 4 years in Harlem,) never did much to actually help me. It took my spiritual director (priest) to ask the provincial superior to remove this sister from our convent, for my sanity. Did I mention that I was sent with her to Argentina to visit a special doctor?! This was the last straw for me. I ended up cutting my part of the trip short, and flew home alone from Buenos Aires to New York, because she was absolutely nuts and if I stayed any longer, I was going to lose my mind. After that trip is when I asked Father to beg to have her removed from my care and from my convent.  It was emotional and mental manipulation at its best by her, who was ill, and then to feel that my own superiors and order would not remove this situation from not only me, who also had anywhere from 3-5 other sisters to be present to, but would not remove the situation from our house, where it affected the peace and happiness of our convent community.  I am positive it was this situation in particular that really began breaking my circuits. One at a time, the breakers were being flicked off. My brain had less and less mental energy to make decisions. I stopped caring about anything…
·         Add Work, Remove Support. My 3rd year there (still with Sister Borderline), one of our mainstay sisters (the bitchy one) had not gotten laid yet, but had to go back to Argentina to help her mother. She ended up staying there for an entire year and no replacement was sent my way for her. I was asked to take over her parish duties, which was basically a full time job. She was the Director of Religious Education of our huge bilingual program – over 400 students, half on Saturday in Spanish, the rest on Sunday in English. It was a huge beast of a job (like in other parishes, is a regular paid FT job) that I was tasked with, with minimal help. The provincial house sent me 1 sister for a few hours a week to help me, but that was it. This job entailed not only weekend classes, but catechist formation classes (teaching adults how to teach and about the faith) and a ton of reception of the Sacraments, like coordinating hundreds of parents, sponsors and students for Baptisms, 1st Communions and Confirmations with the Bishop and all that insanity. I asked for another full time sister – someone who could really take over and was not given any more help than a few hours a week. Plus, I was still the provincial liturgist, having girls visit our convent, and doing all the things I originally had to do in the parish and as a superior. I was relieved of nothing, just tossed a full time job on top. So, at home I was being driven utterly insane (oh, and of course she was jealous that I was at the parish so much more, so of course she would have bouts of emergency illness, random piercing pains, etc, anything to get me to come back home and check her out, give her attention, make an emergency doctor visit, etc.) and at work, I was overloaded, but expected by Father and the parishoners to keep everything status quo. Not to mention the people of the parish obviously had no idea about the stressor of Sister Borderline and Father knew only minimal information and really didn’t care. He needed shit to get done in his parish and he didn’t care about an angry, whiney, emotional nun in the convent who didn’t work in his parish anyway. Nice set up, huh?
I mean – is it no wonder I left, I don’t like responsibility and I don’t like people?
Is it no wonder I can spot the red flags of people’s bullshit a mile away and be like #talktothehand. Peace.
Is it no wonder I aim to keep my lifestyle simple, free and lighthearted?
Is it no wonder I never want my work or job to become my life?
Is it no wonder that I go crazy when I see people who just don’t say no, and let people or organizations bulldoze over them?
Is it no wonder I never want to be in charge of shit, plan events or do someone else’s work?!
 (Below, amazing youth at my farewell party...I was sent to the mission in Avondale, PA in July 2011 to be a regular sister and take a breather. This breather allowed me to realize and accept it was time for me to go home. Story for another day! Far right is now a NYPD!)
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So, like I said at the beginning, it’s a love/hate relationship with these aforementioned circumstances. They totally sucked and at the same time, taught me so many lessons and infused me with loads of insight that I use daily. This is why the children, youth and families of Harlem are my absolute faves – in order to escape the stress and heaviness and utter out-of-controlness of my life, I would just go and hang with them. Laugh with them, eat and play with them. They helped ground me, allowed me to breathe and just always loved on me. And they still do to this day.
How interesting that my own religious family would not support me in these circumstances, and does not see me (or many of us who have left) as family even today? Yet the people of San Pablo always did and still do. I have real friendships with the people I met in Harlem, literally to this day. And when I go back to NY, I visit them. And yet, with the exception of 1 human, no one from the ive or the ssvm would consider me family today. #whoislivingthegospel? #irony
I’m not throwing shade….well, ok, maybe I am, ha! Sometimes, shade’s gotta be thrown, yo! #truth
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dansphlevels · 7 years ago
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Could you do a fix where one of them goes the dentist please? You're an amazing writer.
This ask freaking haunted me. I can not tell you how many times my family or friends asked me what was wrong and I sobbed out “how am I supposed to write a story about them going to the DENTIST? What spin can I put on this? How has my life come to this?”
(Don’t let that keep you from ever sending in asks tho. I will write whatever stories you request, no matter how vague/detailed the prompt is. A little bit of challenge/emotional turmoil is necessary for the creative process.)
Words Aren’t Always Needed
Day 6 of 12 Days Of Prompts
Length: 2.5k
Summary: After a bad reaction to painkillers administered by his dentist, Dan loses the ability to speak for a few days. Which wouldn’t be that big of a deal if they didn’t have plans, including an important business meeting and going to the Star Wars premiere.
Or, the one where Dan loses his voice and Phil has to interpret for him like an extended, inappropriately timed game of charades.
TW: For light (but semi-frequent) cussing 
Dan certainly had his peculiarities. One of which being that he actually enjoyed going to the dentist.
Well, most of the time.
Daniel Howell, as in danisnotonfire from YouTube, as in ‘Dan and Phil’ Dan, was slightly different than many people due to his high tolerance for pain. This meant that he didn’t mind small bumps or bruising and that he seldom took painkillers unless they were really needed. It also meant that going to the dentist every six months wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable an experience as it was for others. Dan always left with his teeth feeling fresh and clean. What was the harm?
That was on a normal trip to the dentist, however.
This specific trip to the dentist was supposed to be no different. Dan would go, the dentist would poke around for a while, there’d be a little scrapey scrapey, then Dan would get a free toothbrush and be sent on his way. And Dan was an absolute slut for free toothbrushes. But instead, he found himself reclined in the dentist’s chair as the man towered over him, tapping the side of a needle with his knuckle. “This will make you go numb for the procedure. When the medicine wears off, your voice might still be slurred for a few hours, but should recover relatively quickly.”
The dentist lied. Because after the ‘relatively quick procedure’ was over, Dan’s voice wasn’t slurred, it was gone. When the dentist asked him to say something, all that came out was a squeak.
The dentist frowned. “That’s not right.”
No fucking shit, Dan thought, trying to avoid glaring at the doctor as he inspected his mouth and throat to see what the issue was. Fifteen minutes later, and Dan was sent out the door with the explanation of 'the numbing medicine seems to have had a small unexpected side effect. While uncommon, this has happened before, and your voice should likely return within the next few days.’
And, to top it all off, they were out of free toothbrushes.
So Dan was left with no voice, the lower half of his face still numb, and a goody bag with only floss in it. Floss.
Dan managed to get in a cab and hand him his phone with his address typed into it- his phone was on 7% battery, because God absolutely hated him- and was sent on his way. He was already almost home when he remembered to text Phil, and let him know what had happened.
To Phil: The dentist was horrible. He screwed up the numbing solution and now I’ve lost my voice for the next few days.
To Dan: Aww, I know how excited you were to goI’m sorry the dentist didn’t fulfill all of your scrapey dreams But you lost your voice? What about the event tomorrow?
And that’s how Dan ended up sitting in the backseat of a cab, banging his head against the window, because Fuck, they had plans tomorrow and how was Dan supposed to do anything when he couldn’t even speak?
—-
Phil was waiting for him when he got home.
He laughed when he saw Dan. “Is your face still numb? You look a little, um…” he didn’t need to finish his sentence.
Dan managed his best seriously, Phil expression and flicked his friend the middle finger before heading to his room to charge his phone.
That night was Phil’s turn to make dinner, which was good because otherwise they weren’t going to fucking eat, were they? Unfortunately, by then the painkillers had completely worn off and Dan’s jaw hurt to move too much, so he was unable to eat the fajitas. Finally, taking sympathy on him, Phil stopped making fun of him for thirty seconds so he could get Dan some applesauce.
“The shoes I ordered came in!“ Phil said when Dan was settled in with his applesauce and spoon. All of their normal spoons were dirty, so Phil had given him a decorative tea spoon that someone had given him. It was about half the size of a normal spoon and made Dan want to crawl under his duvet and never come out.
Still, Dan managed to give Phil a mildly interested look. Okay, that was a lie. But he did manage to not scowl at him, which was an improvement.
"They’re really cool Dan, they’re gold and like, scaly-” he giggled at Dan’s expression. “And shiny. Really shiny. Actually, they’re not gold, they’re more of a yellowish, copperish, I’m just going to keep talking because it’s not like you can interrupt me, and they fit really well…”
Dan set his tiny spoon on the table and picked up the cup of applesauce, bringing it to his face and trying to down it like a shot. Instead, a single glob fell out and went down the wrong pipe, resulting in Dan almost choking to death which would have been just awful, really, he wouldn’t accept the warm embrace of death at all on a day like this.
Dan was done with his applesauce after that. In fact, he decided then that he was done with that day in its entirety, and with a small salute to Phil, Dan headed off to his room to scroll on the Tumbs for a while and try to forget the day he’d had.
—-
The next day, Dan woke up and had almost forgotten about his loss of voice.
He went about his morning routine as always, scrolling on Tumblr for a while before getting up and making himself get ready for the day. His face was back to normal, which was good. Dan put on some of his nice-ish clothes and went to grab breakfast.
"Hey Dan, is your voice better?“ Phil asked when he saw him.
And Dan. Dan actually yipped. A full blown, injured puppy yip. And Phil gave him this look, like he was wondering if Dan had just been possessed or if he’d stepped on the LEGO Phil figurine again (which happened far more often than you would think, seeing as Dan’s LEGO figurine never fell off their whiteboard. Dan believed there was a conspiracy.)
Dan tried to explain himself, but all that came out was a squeak.
"I guess that’s a no,” Phil reasoned. “How are we supposed to even go to the things today? Should you just stay home?”
Dan shrugged, looking at Phil pointedly, like you should be able to figure this out because I don’t know.
Phil scratched the back of his head. “Well… you might as well come? I mean, you’re going to the Star Wars thing anyways-” Dan nodded vigorously “-so it’d probably be offensive if you skipped the meetings.”
Dan sighed, which he was still able to do just fine. He nodded and went to get his shoes, pouting all the way.
—-
In the car on the way to their meetings, Dan and Phil texted each other back and forth, even though they were sitting right next to each other.
They got to the official-looking office building and Dan climbed out of the cab as Phil paid for them. They walked in together, with Phil taking the lead slightly and Dan trailing behind, his hands stuffed in his jacket and his eyes on the floor. It was strange how the loss of his voice seemed to affect the rest of him; no one was trying to take to him, yet he still felt as though he wasn’t able to communicate properly.
They got to the queue. A chirpy seeming receptionist (who’d probably been there since five that morning and drunken her entire body weight in coffee) greeted them, letting Phil in with a chirpy “Floor 5!” But when Dan tried to follow, the turn dial didn’t let him through. “Sorry, I don’t think there’s anyone else authorized to go upstairs? If you’d like to take a seat, I can check.”
At this point, Dan had absolutely mastered his 'I’m so fucking done’ face, which he proceeded to show the receptionist.
And Phil hadn’t noticed. He’d kept walking along, turning a corner and was out of sight, and Dan couldn’t fucking yell to get his attention, because, well, he couldn’t fucking speak.
Dan aggressively gestured and pointed for the next thirty seconds before Phil came back, looking a little embarrassed. “Um, sorry. He’s with me.”
Damn fucking right I am, Dan thought as the receptionist apologized and let him through. He was still glaring as they started walking away.
"Sorry about that,“ Phil admitted sheepishly.
And Dan was so done with not being able to speak that he actually stopped walking, pulling Phil to a halt with him, and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him so close that Dan’s lips were almost touching his ear, and Dan managed to whisper in the quietest, raspiest voice imaginable, "Lit-rally fuck everything.”
Phil giggled, made a bad innuendo, etc etc. Dan smacked him on the arm. And they kept walking.
The meeting was, surprisingly, not as miserable as Dan expected. They came in and shook hands with everyone, Phil explaining that Dan couldn’t speak while Dan tried to smile instead of grimace. Then they got down to business.
This particular meeting had to do with new mercy that was to be released. It involved a lot of technical stuff, which, depending on the topic, Phil was either very good at or completely oblivious to. He and Dan usually split up the duties of remembering important things.
"We need to approve the styles of shirts as well. Did you have some in mind?“
Phil looked to Dan. "Um…”
Dan gestured like go on, you should know this. Phil just widened his eyes, to which Dan rolled his eyes in response. He gestured at his arms, tapping his wrist.
"A watch?“
Dan pinched the air above his wrist as if tugging at invisible cloth.
"Oh, long sleeves. And…”
Dan tapped on his shoulder, right where the cut off of short sleeves would be.
"And short sleeves.“
"What style of short sleeves?” One of the official looking business people asked.
Dan cupped the air under his chest, as if pushing up invisible boobs.
"Girl ones,“ Phil translated. "Like… you know those tighter fitting shirts that girls sometimes wear?”
"You mean a fitted T-shirt?“ One of the people supplied.
Dan nodded. "Yes!” Phil said. “And…”
Dan flexed his arms like a bodybuilder.
"Muscle shirts?“
He shook his head, pointing under the table to his crotch.
Phil looked a little uncomfortable. "Dan, I don’t think that’s exactly appropriate…”
Dan huffed. Finally, he reached over under the table and pulled Phil’s jacket up a little, grabbing onto the edge of his T-shirt.
"And normal T-shirts,“ Phil supplied. "Um… unisex ones.”
Dan nodded, giving him both thumbs up.
—-
Phil adjusted his bow tie in the mirror. There was a knock on his bedroom door, and he walked over quickly, opening it to reveal a suave looking Dan decked out in a completely white suit with a black dress shirt underneath. Dan leaned against the door, biting his lip, showing off his ensemble for Phil to admire.
"You look very dashing,“ Phil agreed, because though Dan hadn’t said anything aloud, his feelings towards the outfit were made clear with the prideful glint in his eyes.
Dan nodded in a you too. He stepped forwards, admiring Phil’s golden shoes.
"Pretty snazzy, right? I kind of based the whole outfit around them.” Phil tugged at his lapels, which were patterned with golden swirls. The rest of his suit was a formal black, save for a white dress shirt underneath.
Dan nodded in agreement, moving closer and adjusting Phil’s bow tie for him wordlessly. Phil had been wearing them for longer, but Dan had more of an eye for detail.
Wordlessly, they grabbed their phones and wallets and headed out front, Phil stepping into the road and catching the attention of a cabbie almost immediately. He stopped, and Phil climbed in, followed closely by Dan. They sat so close their legs touched without thinking. That’s just how they were comfortable.
It took a long time to get to the Royal Albert Hall where the premiere was being shown, mostly due to traffic. It was a big event, and if you weren’t going as a guest, you were going as press. Then, when they finally got there, they had to wait in line for ages just to get in, as everyone had to have their bags searched, because the princes were there, screeeeee!
"We could play i-spy!“ Phil suggested in excitement. Dan tried to let him down easily, gesturing at his throat like um, how? Then, when Phil insisted they try and make it work, they tried, and it didn’t work.
Dan pointed at himself, gesturing that he’d go instead, and Phil could guess. He scanned the room, his eyes locking on a hideous white dress shirt with polka dots on it. He nodded, pointing at his white jacket.
"It’s white,” Phil translated. Dan nodded in agreement, and Phil scanned the area.
"Those shoes that lady is wearing-“
Dan shook his head.
"That man’s white shirt.”
Dan saw where he was pointing, and shook his head again, smiling a little smugly.
"Is it one of the stormtroopers?“
Dan widened his eyes, peering over the heads of people to where Phil was pointing. He squeeeeed in excitement, one of the only noises he could still make, ignoring the looks he was sent.
"You have to take a picture with them!” Phil encouraged.
Dan gave him his trademarked 'duh’ expression, though this time, it came with a genuine smile. He puffed out his jacket a little, like you think I wore this for any other reason?
———-
They got the picture with the Storm Troopers, even though in order to do that they had to pose for the press, which both of them tried to avoid as much as possible. It was still sort of funny to think that people were actually interested in pictures of them, but Dan sort of doubted anyone in the press actually knew who they were. They just knew they were snazzy looking guests and that they must be important enough to have been invited to the event, so they didn’t question it.
Then, finally, they got to see the movie. And almost the whole time, they whispered back and forth, Dan’s whisper even quieter than Phil’s, but he still understood it. They’d been best friends for long enough that sometimes, words weren’t completely necessary. They could interpret each other’s expressions and general excitement almost as easily as they could interpret each other’s words.
12 Days Of Prompts Masterlist / Fic Masterlist / Request A Fic
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theonyxpath · 7 years ago
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…all through the Onyx Path house, not a creature is working tho’ lots of games give us wows.
Like W20 Changing Ways, our featured cover this week!
So I mentioned last week that Onyx Path‘s “office” will be closed after today until Jan 2nd. While we could all use the break, and the holidays force a lot of non-work time too, we’re really looking at taking advantage of doing this now because a lot of our publishing partners are taking this time off.
For example, you’ll note in the “At Press” stage below in our weekly Progress Report that we have a fair number of things labeled as “PoD ordered”. That’s because our PoD printing plant is now on vacation. Mid-January and into February is going to be packed with new PoDs for sale!
The truth is, though: we’re really bad at vacationing.
Rollickin’ Rose Bailey says she is taking advantage of the time not spent herding our Onyx cats to work on Cavaliers of Mars, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be using my time to draw up Monarchies of Mau NPCs. Speaking of cats.
Just about every time one of our Onyx Path crew says they are taking time off, they come back with a new idea or something they finished while they were supposed to be relaxing. It is tough when you love what you do to turn off the creative mind.
And also like I mentioned last week, our fantastic freelance creators around the globe will still be working hard on their projects between holiday movie openings and other fun. (At least that’s what I always did as a freelancer).
    C20 Freeholds illustration by Drew Tucker
      The other thing, is that a bunch of us are also prepping for Mid Winter Con in Milwaukee starting Jan 10th (for us), and so we know we’ll basically have a week after we get back and then we’re off to the con. This is above and beyond our usual con efforts, as we’re ending it by staying an extra day and having our Onyx Path yearly summit.
So first, the con itself. Everybody who works on the books from our Onyx Path crew will be there. Impish Ian Watson, Mirthful Mike, Rollickin’ Rose, Mighty Matt McElroy, More Mighty Monica Valentinelli, Fast Eddy Webb, and your humble blog writer myself will be there. Normally, you’d need to go to Gen Con to see all of us, but with the Summit coming we’re all there and it’ll be a great chance to find out just about everything you’ve been wondering about.
Plus a lot of our phenomenal freelancers will be there, we’re doing demos for lots of our games and particularly the Trinity Continuum as that Kickstarter will either be running on close to it, special playtests like for Fetch Quest, the Pugmire card game, and we’re going to be making an extra-special announcement that we think will be a particular interest to the Mid Winter crowd.
    W20 Pentex Employee Handbook art by Steve Ellis
      As for the Onyx Path Summit itself, this is something that we used to do late one night at Gen Con, but frankly, we’ve grown beyond being able to cover what we need to in a few hours after dinner. So we’ll be doing a review of 2017, looking at financials, and generally getting a good feel for where we’ve been in order to move to the fun part of the evening.
That’s planning for how we want to grow and what we’re going to focus on in 2018 and into 2019. And beyond!
Two years ago, the crew surprised me by wanting to focus on shoring up our company processes and we drew up plans for that instead of what cool new game we could create or license. Which is what I had expected them to talk want to about.
This year, we’ll just have to see.
    W20 Changing Ways illustration by Jeff Holt
      We may have some notes about the meeting when the Monday Meeting Notes go up (I expect on Tuesday that week. It happens once in a blue moon.)
But if you want to be involved, please post your thoughts on what you’d like to see us doing, how you’d like to see us do it, whatever – and I’ll bring your comments up for discussion at the Summit.
We will definitely be talking about how to structurally and conceptually continue with our ongoing projects and the stressful necessity of bringing on new game lines and worlds. Because after all:
Many Worlds. One Path.
    BLURBS!
KICKSTARTER:
The Trinity Continuum Kickstarter will go live in January!
  ON SALE NOW:
We’re ringing out 2017 with a bang, giving you some great bundle deals on select Chronicles of Darkness PDFs until the end of the year! Each bundle is on sale for $9.99, which puts them in the 80% off range.
A Chronicle of 2017 includes:
The Chronicles of Darkness 2nd Edition Rulebook
The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology
Chronicles of Darkness: Hurt Locker
Dark Eras: Beneath the Skin (Skinchangers/Demon: The Descent)
A Requiem for 2017 includes:
Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition Rulebook
The Strix Chronicle Anthology
Secrets of the Covenants
Dark Eras: Requiem for Regina (Vampire: The Requiem/Changeling: The Lost)
2017 is Forsaken includes:
Werewolf: The Forsaken 2nd Edition Rulebook
The Idigam Chronicle Anthology
The Pack
Dark Eras: The Bowery Dogs (Werewolf: The Forsaken)
The Curse of 2017 includes:
Mummy: The Curse Rulebook
Curse of the Blue Nile Anthology
Book of the Deceived
Dark Eras: Ruins of Empire (Mummy: The Curse)
The Descent of 2017 includes:
Demon: The Descent Rulebook
Demon: Interface Anthology
Flowers of Hell: The Demon Players Guide
Dark Eras: Into the Cold (Demon: The Descent)
      As we try and find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is now live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is both rolling and rocking! Right now, they’re working on implementing multi-dice and die previews in the store, after adding in a lot of requested upgrades and tweaks, which is going along nicely but is a ton of work. Here are the links for the Apple and Android versions:
http://ift.tt/2zjnD0c
http://ift.tt/2hhT5Fk
Three different screenshots, above.
(The Solar Anima special Dice)
    ON AMAZON AND BARNES & NOBLE:
We’re delighted to announce the opening of our ebook stores on Amazon and Barnes & Noble! You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble). Our initial selection includes these fiction anthologies:
Vampire: The Masquerade: The Endless Ages Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Rites of Renown: When Will You Rage II (Kindle, Nook)
Mage: The Ascension: Truth Beyond Paradox (Kindle, Nook)
Chronicles of Darkness: The God-Machine Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Mummy: The Curse: Curse of the Blue Nile (Kindle, Nook)
Beast: The Primordial: The Primordial Feast Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
  And here are six more fiction books:
Vampire: The Masquerade: Of Predators and Prey: The Hunters Hunted II Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Poison Tree (Kindle, Nook)
Werewolf: The Apocalypse: Songs of the Sun and Moon: Tales of the Changing Breeds (Kindle, Nook)
Vampire: The Requiem: The Strix Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Werewolf: The Forsaken: The Idigam Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Mage: The Awakening: The Fallen World Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
  Andand six more more:
Vampire: The Masquerade: The Beast Within Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Werewolf: The Apocalypse: W20 Cookbook (Kindle, Nook)
Exalted: Tales from the Age of Sorrows (Kindle, Nook)
Chronicles of Darkness: Tales of the Dark Eras (Kindle, Nook)
Promethean: The Created: The Firestorm Chronicle Anthology (Kindle, Nook)
Demon: The Descent: Demon: Interface (Kindle, Nook)
  And even more books are now on Amazon and the Nook store!:
Scarred Lands: Death in the Walled Warren (Kindle, Nook)
V20 Dark Ages: Cainite Conspiracies (Kindle, Nook)
Chronicles of Darkness: Strangeness in the Proportion (Kindle, Nook)
Vampire: The Requiem: Silent Knife (Kindle, Nook)
Mummy: The Curse: Dawn of Heresies (Kindle, Nook)
    OUR SALES PARTNERS:
We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the Screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there!
http://ift.tt/2w0aaEW
    Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z
You can now order wave 2 of our Deluxe and Prestige print overrun books, including Deluxe Mage 20th Anniversary, and Deluxe V20 Dark Ages! And Screens…so many Screens!
And you can now order Pugmire: the book, the screen, and the dice! http://ift.tt/1pOsnTb
    DRIVETHRURPG.COM:
  With a howl of RAGE, the W20 Changing Ways Advance PDF charges at you this Wednesday on DTRPG.com!
Changing Ways is an in-depth look at what it means to be a werewolf, both on a personal level and as part of a pack. It digs deep into what it feels like to have bones re-knit after breaking, the range of senses available across all forms, and the sudden heady rush of the Gifts and Rites bestowed by spirits. It also provides a look at what life is like for lupus and metis werewolves, characters who have had experiences alien to any person. It shows the many ways that werewolves organize in packs, and how those packs are designed as groups of warriors, rather than aligned to the behavior of wolves.
Changing Ways contains:
• A detailed look at what it means to grow up as a lupus or metis werewolf, and how that colors a character’s perspective.
• More information on what it feels like to be a werewolf, a creature that changes in both body and mind.
• Frameworks and organizations for packs, along with new tactics and systems for forging the pack as part of play.
      Arriving at DTRPG.com this Wednesday, and soon to your tables: The M20 Mage Cookbook!
Food is Life 
We are what we eat. As mages throughout history have realized, the foods that sustain our bodies sustain enlightenment as well. Such foods become extensions of the people and cultures that create them. Now Brother Oliver Lyon, Knight Templar and a humble baker’s son, travels around the world hunting the Fallen and gathering fine recipes along the way.
Enchanting Recipes 
From Mandarin lion’s heads to alchemical booze, Brother Oliver’s collection of delicious recipes spans the cultural realms of Mage’s human world. Among these many culinary concoctions, you’ll find:
Lobster Bisque
Angel Torte
Chicken Nanban
Corn Fufu
Beef Wellingtons
Battenburg Cake
Cannibal Stew, and so much more
Feed Your Body, Feed Your Soul 
The M20 Mage Cookbook is a non-canon but tasty culinary perspective on the world of Mage: The Ascension
        The world of Pugmire comes alive in this full cast audio drama experience “Thank You, Darcy Cat” available now on DTRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2ygOPbl
The police dogs have called Alistair Afghan to discuss the crimes of his valet, Darcy Cat. But this misunderstanding leads to the discovery of a deadly secret deep in the heart of Pugmire society. Will Alistair and Darcy be able to save Pugmire from this threat?
Created by Audioblivious Productions in conjunction with Pugsteady. Check out Audioblivious at http://ift.tt/2jPsQ61!
    We unveil Vampire: The Requiem 2e‘s Half-Damned as an Advance PDF on DTRPG.com!
http://ift.tt/2imeGt5
I love her, she’s family, but I don’t love what she is.
– Antonio Ramírez, dhampir
This book includes: 
• An exploration of what it means to be one of the Half-Damned, dhampir, revenants or ghouls.
• Mechanics for creating Half-Damned characters.
• Information for creating and running chronicles using the various Half-Damned character types, both with vampires and alone.
• Information on Half-Damned antagonists for vampire chronicles.
      Legacy of Lies, the V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart, goes undead in PDF and physical book PoD versions on DTRPG:
http://ift.tt/2k981ql
TWO PRINCES. BITTER RIVALS. AND A COTERIE CAUGHT BETWEEN THEM. 
Marcus Verus, the vampiric Prince of Chester, secretly prepares to go into torpor. Should his plans be made public, the Prince knows the wolves — both real and imagined — would launch an attack, threatening all within his domain.
That’s where you come in.
Legacy of Lies includes:
Basic rules for players and Storytellers
Introduction to the Vampire: The Masquerade Dark Ages setting
Introductory adventure
Characters for players and Storytellers
      Appearing on DriveThruRPG is the Advance PDF for Arms of the Chosen for Exalted 3rd Edition! http://ift.tt/2A0ga4f
Take up the panoply of legendary heroes and lost ages, and awaken the world-shaking might of their Evocations. Before the dawn of time, the Exalted wielded god-metal blades to cast down the makers of the universe. In an ancient epoch of forgotten glories, Creation’s greatest artificers forged unimaginable wonders and miracle-machines.
Now, in the Age of Sorrows, kingdoms go to war over potent artifacts, scavenger princes risk everything to uncover relics of the past, and the Exalted forge great arms and armor on the anvil of legend. These treasures are yours to master.
Discover the mystical power of the five magical materials and the secrets of creating your own Evocations. Wield weapons of fabled might and don the armor of mythic heroes, making their puissance your own. Claim Creation’s wonders: the miraculous tools of the Chosen, living automatons, flying machines, hearthstones, and more. And unleash the mighty warstriders, titanic god-engines of conquest and devastation, to once more shake Creation with their footfalls.
          What dark secrets do the eldest vampires hold? Find out in Thousand Years of Night for Vampire: The Requiem! PDF and physical book PoD versions available on DriveThruRPG.com. http://ift.tt/2sV8lZR
You may think that with a multitude of people coming, going, dying and running away, we’d be tired, done, or ready to give up. Instead, I find myself restless, looking for the next thing.  There’s always a next thing, and I for one am not yet ready to die.
– Elder Kincaid, Daeva Crone
This book includes:
• Detailed instructions on creating elder vampires, including how to base chronicles around them
• A look into the lives of elders, how they spend their nights, who they work with, and why including their roles in both their clans and covenants
• New Devotions, Merits, and Rituals for elder vampires
• The kinds of creatures that pose a threat to elder vampires, including Inamorata, Lamia, Sons of Phobos, a new elder conspiracy, and more!
      Is a life of running and hiding a life worth living? We say yes. There’s always something between the running and the hiding, and those moments of grace make it all worthwhile.
The Huntsmen Chronicle Anthology is a perfect companion piece to Changeling: The Lost, 2nd Edition. These stories spin tales of the Lost, of those abducted and enslaved by fairies. Those who escaped, but whose captors will stop at nothing to find them. These fairies summon forth the Huntsmen, primordial hunters who understand nothing but pursuit and capture. The Huntsmen are unstoppable monsters, and the Lost can only look to each other for respite, rare comfort, and rarer trust.
The Hedge has parted and you can get the Advance PDF of The Huntsmen Chronicle Fiction Anthology for Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition at DTRPG.com! http://ift.tt/2z4uZnU
          A Land Where Legends Walk
Drawing enthusiastically on Greek mythology, the revised and re-imagined Scarred Lands nonetheless retains its place as a modern fantasy RPG setting. This is a world shaped by gods and monsters, and only the greatest of heroes can expect to be counted among them. The most populous continent of Scarn, Ghelspad, plays host to vast unexplored regions, hides unsolved riddles from ancient cultures, and taunts adventures with the promise of undiscovered riches hidden among the ruins of older civilizations.
Yet the myths of the Scarred Lands are relatively recent events. The effects of the Titanswar still ripple through the world, and the heroines and villains of many of these stories are part of living memory, if not still living.
The Award-Winning Fantasy Setting Returns
Scarred Lands has been a favorite fantasy setting since the release of the Creature Collection for the d20 System in 2000. In subsequent years, over 40 titles were published for Scarred Lands, making it one of the most fully supported fantasy RPG settings ever and the premiere product line of Sword & Sorcery Studios.
Available in both 5th Edition and Pathfinder compatible versions! PDF and PoD formats available NOW!
http://ift.tt/2fEO9YJ
http://ift.tt/2fELqyx
      CONVENTIONS!
Midwinter Game Convention in Milwaukee, January 11-14 is going to be on us soooo fast after we get back. It’s where we’re going to be bringing a big crew of many of your favorite Onyx Path designers and we’ll be running demos and making some special announcements at the show!  http://midwintergamingconvention.com
    And now, the new project status updates!
DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):
First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)
M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)
M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)
C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)
Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)
CofD Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)
Guide to the Night (Vampire: The Requiem 2nd Edition)
M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)
  Redlines
They Came From Beneath the Sea! Rulebook (TCFBtS!)
  Second Draft
WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)
Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)
Monarchies of Mau (Monarchies of Mau)
Hunter: the Vigil 2e core (Hunter: the Vigil 2nd Edition)
  Development
Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)
SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)
Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)
Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)
Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)
Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)
GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)
Night Horrors: The Tormented (Promethean: The Created 2nd Edition)
  WW Manuscript Approval:
Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)
  Editing:
Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)
Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)
The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)
Scion: Origin (Scion 2nd Edition)
  Post-Editing Development:
Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)
Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)
Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)
  Indexing:
    ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:
In Art Direction
Cavaliers of Mars – New art getting assigned.
Ex3 Monthly Stuff
Scion Origins
Ring of Spiragos – Got Rich’s cover in.
Changeling: the Lost 2
Trinity Continuum – Seeing sketches.
Ex3 Dragon Blooded – Sketches are coming in left and right…
Pugmire – Pan’s Explorer’s Guide (or whatever) – Syme is almost done with the splats.
Boggans – Reviewing art notes and figuring out the art buy.
  Marketing Stuff
  In Layout
Pugmire/Scarred Lands Community Content – working on the logo.
Book of Freeholds – With Mark
DtD Enemy Action – With Josh
Pugmire Fetch Quest – Playtesting samples ordered hopefully in time for MidWinter.
Pugmire – Vinsen’s Tomb – Notes are out. Need to input the changes on the first proof
Wraith 20 Screen 
  Proofing
Wraith 20 – Making fixes from WW.
Beast PG
  At Press
Beckett Screen – Shipped to shipper.
Scarred Land PGs & Wise and the Wicked PF & 5e – To fulfillment shipper. PDF and PoD physical book versions on sale at DTRPG.
Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition) – Deluxe Edition cover and Screen in the works. Waiting for Deluxe cover and the Screen proofs this week.
Prince’s Gambit – Setting up files for printer.
CtL Huntsmen Chronicle Anthology  – PoD Files uploaded and processing.
V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary– PoD proofs ordered.
C20 Ready Made Characters – Errata fixing.
Ex 3 Arms of the Chosen – Errata fixing.
Pugmire Artisan Cards – PoD proofs ordered.
Pugmire Shepherd Cards – PoD proofs ordered.
Pentex Indoctrination Manual – PoD files uploaded and processing.
VtR Half Damned – Out and errata gathering.
W20 Changing Ways – Advance PDF on sale this Wednesday at DTRPG.com.
  TODAY’S REASON TO CELEBRATE: With this being our last full day of work this year, we’re gonna raise a toast to the year that was… talk to ya next year.
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neurunique · 6 years ago
Text
Hopefully this app don’t crash
Cause I’m about to write a RitalinRealisation🌈
First things first, I write so much shit before I get to the final point. So if ya get impatient skip to the end but trust me it’ll be WORTH IT.
was sitting in bed studying chemistry work when I realised something.
So for most of my life up until I started medication, I had symptoms of “bipolar 2”, ADD, autism spectrum, obsessive compulsive... etc. let’s just go short version and say I’m on the spectrum with a bit of manic depression occasionally (it’s honestly so rare I tried medication for it once and I turned into a zombie and I’ve received cognitive therapy for it so I’m STABLE that’s the main part) with VERY TEMPORARY and STRANGE attention span.
So let’s talk like... obsessions or “special interests”.
Whole life filled with obsessions where my brain just would. Not. Even. Try. To pay attention to ANYTHING other than the special interest; every conversation dictated by it etc, people be like can you talk about anything else? Like looool. Funny to look back at that (I still do it occasionally. It ain’t a bad thing I love it just damn it had some impact on those around me) and so when I got super obsessed my BRAIN would be like I Am SO HAPPY, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS, THIS IS SO INTERESTING! TIS IS MY LIFE NOW. EVERYTHING REVOLVES around it, and it’s all I want to do, EVER. So like naturally my school grades were up and down during obsession phases, like, sometimes I’d get straight A in assignments I could relate TO THE OBSESSIONS. Like fuck me the train of thought would just COME. So I was good at that, most reports from school were like “Petal is amazing at what she’s INTERESTED IN but won’t even THINK about trying what she isn’t” (could’ve used Ritalin a long time ago tbh but irrelevant). Anyway anyway . DOPAMIne. That’s what I realised today. DOPAMIne and obsessions ! I draw write sing imagine... to do with the obsession and then bam dopamine. High of life . Who cares why, fights at home or rejection from peers it’s FINE I just DOPAMINE. It’s all I needed. And so yes, whenever I GO OFF MY MEDS IVE NOTICED
That like (why is Tumblr’s enter gap so huge ) I get that obsession mindset again, like I can’t do anything without the special interest. With my meds, the interest is still there, but my dopamine or mood is like LEVEL and not DEPENDENT on the obsession. Like I can do shit, study and converse and socialise and learn social skills I never did , with the dopamine levelled our. So like Ritalin doesn’t give me skills, it gives me balance . and when I go off it, I get “manic” as others see it, however it’s literally just the increase of dopamine due to the obsession dependence returning (literally opposite of drug dependence; the drug is the antidote and my brain is the dependence)
I’m literally just Sherlock Holmes addicted to my brain like a narcissist
AnywAaaay
So the times I’ve written bullions of fanfics about sonic? ~”manic episode” as they say MORE LIKE SUPER INVOLVED IN MY SPECIAL INTEREST
Gaming for ten hours to make one goal? Not manic just hyper focused because I love the game and the act and the repetition .
So yep. The conclusion is essentially this: my special interests are pervasive as fuck and luckily I can manage them with the use of awareness of sugar intake and dopamine levels otherwise influenced by things apart from medication; Ritalin helps me regulate dopamine but to be honest it sends me to sleep half the time (probably cu when I have the dopamine already, it’s like no sleepy time no mania for you); and it helps me be human - for the most part! I still burn out like a motherfucker, even on it - social interactions are draining during times of adjustment or stress (mostly always); I can only manage one or two a day now that I live with my partner. I could literally achieve a fucking whole novel if it was about my obsession (current ones are seven deadly sins and sonic of course although that ones kinda melting a bit, BAN FOR LIFE) without Ritalin to regulate myself, like I don’t feel dead inside on medication as some peopl describe it , I more feel like I can put aside those intense urges and addictions towards my obsessive behaviours and just carry on and FOCUS on things that aren’t the obsessions
Honestly if it wasn’t for the fact I get special interests, most of my symptoms would just be ADD. But ASD INCLUDES like special interests and social cues deterance (I been learning thougu, thanks to focus being level). So yeppp.
Oh also, Ritalin is more effective for me than Dexies because:
Dexies actually increase dopamine directly whereas Ritalin is simply a “dopamine reuptake” so like in my mind I feel like it doesn’t release dopamine , it simply does what the brain needs (my brain). Hence why people probably prefer aderall over Ritalin for study drugs whereas Ritalin helps me actually function,
If I’m tired, it’ll wake up a bit. Or it’ll send me to sleep. If I’m deep in mania or dependence on obsess, it’ll send me to sleep or bring me back to reality.
Antipsychotics don’t work on me; they make the world blurry and fuzzy and confusing; I am not psychotic and it doesn’t calm me down and it just makes me more anxious.
Tried to ask for benzos for when I’m anxious but doctor was like no ;.; good thing I am relearning my therapy skills.
I am extremely high functioning as an aspie, but the requirements to work thirty hour week jobs or 9-5 will just never be there for me. In terms of social burn out, even once I’ve leRned all I can about people and friendships, my brain will not be able to process it. If I live alone it’s easier but I love my partner So. I need so much alone time and he knows that, sometimes I feel bad but it’s just who I am. And I have tried to work normal hours before but I just can’t. Inwant to be able to work from home one day, whether it’s art (gosh I wish) or research... people mistake me for having depression or social anxiety but while I have a few symptoms of both at times (anxiety is super severe tbh) it originates from things like social burn out and claustrophobia. I am managing though and doing therapy SOON yay. I just had to write all this cause I’m trying so hard in real life not to explain my Behavior, something I done my whole life; now that I have been screened and I’m being officially diagnosed with spectrum disorders it’s just so tempting to rigt my wrongs with people by saying hey! This is why I did stuff that was confusing!
Aspergers doesn’t define me though nor is it my identity; I’m still ME the me I’ve always been; it’s great to get help for it but I really have to pay attention to my strengths and meet goals. Cuz it’s so exciting to have these revelations !! Hence text post!! But when I say it in person I speak too fast or too slow or I mumble and people think I’m MANIC (yes I appear manic but honestly just excited orndopamine releaze) by the way don’t ever tell someone they come across as manic unless you know the legit symptoms and you can differentiate between someone who’s excited about a special interest or realisation, or whatever, and actual manic episodes (they tend to last over a week and are accompanied by many symptoms including no sleep or food aswell as sometimes a lot of things beyond physical capabilities; sitting on the toilet writing an essay while relaxed and in the middle of assignments ain’t mania Jsyk) lots of my aspie friends get super happy about stuff or connection and we seem manic but we ARENT so just listen to the exact words we use and respond accordingly. Like... that’s just me tho. Sometimes I’m upset and it’s different, that’s just regarding conversation about shit I’m excited about~~~
SO YEP 👍 THATS MY RANT THank you Edit: I am manic bipolar
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rontra · 7 years ago
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i am SO PUMPED for skin game even tho i have never read any of the source content.... i should probably read it huh (where might i read the source content bc i am an internet noob and haven't been on tumblr recently bc of school)
POSES LANGUIDLY......SLOWLY DABS im glad youre excited 8))))) im v stoked as well!!!!!
as for the original materials....OH NO THIS GOT LONG SORRY
you probably wont have time to read it all in time for ch1 release (lmfao) BUT THEYRE VERY GOOD SO LIKE...DO IT....!!!!strictly speaking, as far as skin game is concerned, you dont ABSOLUTELY NEED the originals (as long as you can live with (1) Mild Spoilers including character spoilers, (2) missing some of the ‘punch’ i guess a familiar reader would have at certain character names/appearances :p (3) missing “assumed knowledge” from character backstory/etc that the fic will summarize but won’t detail too much)  HOWEVER they’re good experiences in their own right and ... my big faves SOOOO READ IT /poses
SO Skin Game is a higurashi/umineko crossover AU. Higurashi and Umineko aren’t actually related as stories (beyond a handful of notable references, shout-outs and potential red herrings :p) but they’re both part of the “when they cry” series and both received very bad anime adaptations, so they’re good friends.
both Higurashi and Umineko are available in original VN format and manga adaptations....both formats have their pros and cons imo :p i’ll try to be pretty impartial but ... i personally didnt actually read the higurashi vn DKSDKSKD i’ll link to a post by my pal Tiger at the end of this reply for higurashi advice!
the VNs are a long read, but the soundtracks add a lot and it’s a pretty, uh, thorough experience. A for-sure pro to these is the overall experience of audio+reading; the atmosphere is pretty killer. Umineko is also available with a fully voice-acted patch, which is amazing tbhDepending on your preference, the length of reading may be a con: going through both full visual novels easily tallies up to 200+ hours imo (ofc depending on your speed)
The manga adaptions are generally considered overall solid. I’ve read umineko in both vn and manga; for the last arc, the manga’s execution surpasses its original, in my opinion xD it’s very fun to see an adaption outdo its foundation like that (of course, the original author was in on it :p)Naturally, reading the manga cuts down a lot of reading time and will spare you some of the lengthier slow sections, which can be a blessing depending on your viewpoint xDOf coure, the sense of characters physically interacting and occupying the same space is far more visceral in manga format than in the static sprites of the vn; whether trading that for the BGM is a worthy deal is up to you, honestly.
I sometimes recommend to pals who aren’t super-into lengthy visual novels (or huge books in general) to start with the manga and consider doing the vn if they end up liking the story :9
To read the visual novels...
you can find complete non-commentated playlists of them on youtube: (Higurashi) (Umineko)
you can track down the original discs and download free translation patches (is this obsolete now that everyone’s doing playlists and torrents and stuff? lol) (Umineko translation patch by witch-hunt)
i’m not giving out links but i’m sure someone out there has a download or torrent for a pre-patched full version :p
MangaGamer is releasing them in english on Steam, though it’s not yet complete (Higurashi: arcs 1-5 available) (Umineko: arc 1-4 available)mangagamer’s reputation and the sprites they chose: YMMV
Now as we know, reading manga online has some wacky translation quality, and higurashi has entire arcs online that are like...incomprehensible. umineko is slightly better (though it still fkcfnf goes off the rails a few times, translation-wise)  BUT if you can’t afford to keep up with the official yenpress release you may as well, right (and if you’re like me, youve read enough bad scanlations to kinda follow along anyway xD)
the main problem is that for some reason some arcs have missing chapters? this goes for both, though higurashi seems to be just kind of more universally janked in some aspects, though you can probably ask @sg2tiger to post the fixes they made for me xD
To read the mangas, I recommend using batoto--you have to sign up to use it, but many other sites are missing vital chapters of umineko for some reason and batoto’s okay for umineko but...batoto has issues with higurashi as well!! it’s cursed!!, but see Tiger’s post below again for more on higurashi xD IM BEST AT UMINEKO SORRY i need tiger’s guidance
Each story is in 8 arcs/”episodes”. Umineko was kind enough to number them, but Higurashi’s are a little less forthcoming, so here’s the reading order if you need it xD
Onikakushi-hen
Watanagashi-hen
Tatarigoroshi-hen
Himatsubushi-hen
Meakashi-hen
Tsumihoroboshi-hen
Minagoroshi-hen
Matsuribayashi-hen
(and then theres some side arcs i didnt read)
Tiger’s more in-depth reply on Higurashi specifically: http://rontra.tumblr.com/post/158933410364
Content warnings
Universal: blood/gore, body horror, child abuse
Higurashi specific: That Squicky Torture ShitUmineko specific: Incest (mentioned), sexual assault (mentioned)
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