#neurunique

[nists]

10 characters, 10 fandoms

rules: list your favourite character from ten separate fandoms, then tag 10 people

tagged by @fiannaai, thanks!

Overwatch - Ramattra

Mass Effect - Garrus Vakarian

My Spy Family - Mr Vong

World of Warcraft - Kil'jaeden

Star Wars - Lord Malvan :))

Star Trek - Data

Law & Order UK - Vijay Prasad

Marvel CU - Loki (but also Tony Stark :s)

Dragon Age - Dorian Pavus

Super Mario - Yoshi

tagging: @soongtypehuman, @moshironuma, @tessa1972, @katshi, @sakaria2225, @tozzie1, @notlily2, @monotremer, @neurunique, @allmyandroids

[neurunique]

Hopefully this app don’t crash

Cause I’m about to write a RitalinRealisation🌈

First things first, I write so much shit before I get to the final point. So if ya get impatient skip to the end but trust me it’ll be WORTH IT.

was sitting in bed studying chemistry work when I realised something.

So for most of my life up until I started medication, I had symptoms of “bipolar 2”, ADD, autism spectrum, obsessive compulsive... etc. let’s just go short version and say I’m on the spectrum with a bit of manic depression occasionally (it’s honestly so rare I tried medication for it once and I turned into a zombie and I’ve received cognitive therapy for it so I’m STABLE that’s the main part) with VERY TEMPORARY and STRANGE attention span.

So let’s talk like... obsessions or “special interests”.

Whole life filled with obsessions where my brain just would. Not. Even. Try. To pay attention to ANYTHING other than the special interest; every conversation dictated by it etc, people be like can you talk about anything else? Like looool. Funny to look back at that (I still do it occasionally. It ain’t a bad thing I love it just damn it had some impact on those around me) and so when I got super obsessed my BRAIN would be like I Am SO HAPPY, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS, THIS IS SO INTERESTING! TIS IS MY LIFE NOW. EVERYTHING REVOLVES around it, and it’s all I want to do, EVER. So like naturally my school grades were up and down during obsession phases, like, sometimes I’d get straight A in assignments I could relate TO THE OBSESSIONS. Like fuck me the train of thought would just COME. So I was good at that, most reports from school were like “Petal is amazing at what she’s INTERESTED IN but won’t even THINK about trying what she isn’t” (could’ve used Ritalin a long time ago tbh but irrelevant). Anyway anyway . DOPAMIne. That’s what I realised today. DOPAMIne and obsessions ! I draw write sing imagine... to do with the obsession and then bam dopamine. High of life . Who cares why, fights at home or rejection from peers it’s FINE I just DOPAMINE. It’s all I needed. And so yes, whenever I GO OFF MY MEDS IVE NOTICED

That like (why is Tumblr’s enter gap so huge ) I get that obsession mindset again, like I can’t do anything without the special interest. With my meds, the interest is still there, but my dopamine or mood is like LEVEL and not DEPENDENT on the obsession. Like I can do shit, study and converse and socialise and learn social skills I never did , with the dopamine levelled our. So like Ritalin doesn’t give me skills, it gives me balance . and when I go off it, I get “manic” as others see it, however it’s literally just the increase of dopamine due to the obsession dependence returning (literally opposite of drug dependence; the drug is the antidote and my brain is the dependence)

I’m literally just Sherlock Holmes addicted to my brain like a narcissist

AnywAaaay

So the times I’ve written bullions of fanfics about sonic? ~”manic episode” as they say MORE LIKE SUPER INVOLVED IN MY SPECIAL INTEREST

Gaming for ten hours to make one goal? Not manic just hyper focused because I love the game and the act and the repetition .

So yep. The conclusion is essentially this: my special interests are pervasive as fuck and luckily I can manage them with the use of awareness of sugar intake and dopamine levels otherwise influenced by things apart from medication; Ritalin helps me regulate dopamine but to be honest it sends me to sleep half the time (probably cu when I have the dopamine already, it’s like no sleepy time no mania for you); and it helps me be human - for the most part! I still burn out like a motherfucker, even on it - social interactions are draining during times of adjustment or stress (mostly always); I can only manage one or two a day now that I live with my partner. I could literally achieve a fucking whole novel if it was about my obsession (current ones are seven deadly sins and sonic of course although that ones kinda melting a bit, BAN FOR LIFE) without Ritalin to regulate myself, like I don’t feel dead inside on medication as some peopl describe it , I more feel like I can put aside those intense urges and addictions towards my obsessive behaviours and just carry on and FOCUS on things that aren’t the obsessions

Honestly if it wasn’t for the fact I get special interests, most of my symptoms would just be ADD. But ASD INCLUDES like special interests and social cues deterance (I been learning thougu, thanks to focus being level). So yeppp.

Oh also, Ritalin is more effective for me than Dexies because:

Dexies actually increase dopamine directly whereas Ritalin is simply a “dopamine reuptake” so like in my mind I feel like it doesn’t release dopamine , it simply does what the brain needs (my brain). Hence why people probably prefer aderall over Ritalin for study drugs whereas Ritalin helps me actually function,

If I’m tired, it’ll wake up a bit. Or it’ll send me to sleep. If I’m deep in mania or dependence on obsess, it’ll send me to sleep or bring me back to reality.

Antipsychotics don’t work on me; they make the world blurry and fuzzy and confusing; I am not psychotic and it doesn’t calm me down and it just makes me more anxious.

Tried to ask for benzos for when I’m anxious but doctor was like no ;.; good thing I am relearning my therapy skills.

I am extremely high functioning as an aspie, but the requirements to work thirty hour week jobs or 9-5 will just never be there for me. In terms of social burn out, even once I’ve leRned all I can about people and friendships, my brain will not be able to process it. If I live alone it’s easier but I love my partner So. I need so much alone time and he knows that, sometimes I feel bad but it’s just who I am. And I have tried to work normal hours before but I just can’t. Inwant to be able to work from home one day, whether it’s art (gosh I wish) or research... people mistake me for having depression or social anxiety but while I have a few symptoms of both at times (anxiety is super severe tbh) it originates from things like social burn out and claustrophobia. I am managing though and doing therapy SOON yay. I just had to write all this cause I’m trying so hard in real life not to explain my Behavior, something I done my whole life; now that I have been screened and I’m being officially diagnosed with spectrum disorders it’s just so tempting to rigt my wrongs with people by saying hey! This is why I did stuff that was confusing!

Aspergers doesn’t define me though nor is it my identity; I’m still ME the me I’ve always been; it’s great to get help for it but I really have to pay attention to my strengths and meet goals. Cuz it’s so exciting to have these revelations !! Hence text post!! But when I say it in person I speak too fast or too slow or I mumble and people think I’m MANIC (yes I appear manic but honestly just excited orndopamine releaze) by the way don’t ever tell someone they come across as manic unless you know the legit symptoms and you can differentiate between someone who’s excited about a special interest or realisation, or whatever, and actual manic episodes (they tend to last over a week and are accompanied by many symptoms including no sleep or food aswell as sometimes a lot of things beyond physical capabilities; sitting on the toilet writing an essay while relaxed and in the middle of assignments ain’t mania Jsyk) lots of my aspie friends get super happy about stuff or connection and we seem manic but we ARENT so just listen to the exact words we use and respond accordingly. Like... that’s just me tho. Sometimes I’m upset and it’s different, that’s just regarding conversation about shit I’m excited about~~~

SO YEP 👍 THATS MY RANT THank you Edit: I am manic bipolar