#this year's gift is guilt
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Damn
I should have posted this on the boys' birthday 😔
Well never too late.
Happy belated birthday Vash & Knives!
🥳🎉💣🌃
#nothing like blowing up a whole city on ur birthday#this year's gift is guilt#damn vash#sucks to be you#trigun#trigun stampede#trigun stargaze
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The gift of life yours to impart ❀
(My second wish themed holy quintet piece which features in @dotzines magical girl themed zine! Go check it out!)
#my art#magical girl#mahou shojo madoka magica#mami tomoe#pmmm#madoka magica fanart#pmmm mami#puella magi madoka magica#Mami's piece! I saw once someone headcanon her ribbon magic as symbolic of how she saw her wish as a gift#and I could never get that out of my head#was making this alongside the bern piece for the whole first half of the year I'm pretty proud of how it turned out 👍#please notice the mourning flower at the bottom under her younger self's feet I am pointing at it#zine stuff#character with survivor's guilt my beloved........
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I'm glad Fields of Mistria is at least a little more lenient with how you gain relationship w characters than Stardew was, bc as much as I love March as a character something I don't love about these kinds of games is the way their arcs/behaviour doesn't progress at all unless you're actively giving them gifts and talking to them every day (neither of which March deserves at all btw). Just rubs me the wrong way that the solution to jerk characters in these games is always to placate and rehab thier behaviour instead of the narrative/your accomplishments working towards that instead.
Idk. I think a lot of ppl have no problem kissing up to tsundere types in games but I'm like entirely too autistic and too "it's the principle of the matter" to be able to? If March is supposed to develop from being antagonistic and rude then it feels shitty that it comes from undeserved, infinite olive-branches and not just the natural progression of time/story? So at least I can mostly ignore him, tho as a consequence it takes fucking ages to increase his hearts passively that way. You can rebuff and scold him in the 2 heart event and I hope they carry that "I'm not taking your stupid ass bullshit, March" energy for the future hearts too. Because I'm out here infrastructure/farm-maxing, I'll spoil him w conversation and gifts when he figures his shit out on his own lol and we get on neutral ground.
Also I just generally don't like how abrupt his change towards you is on Friday nights. I get it's supposed to be comedic but when he's randomly only nice to you when he's drunk, and he's the only character who's Friday night interactions don't seem to have any bearing on his disposition or dialogue with you after (yet everyone else references their Friday night interactions w you and each other) it makes it feel almost non-canonical as opposed to a hidden quirk of his.
Also idk, "only nice when drunk" isnt the incentive to befriend him the devs think it is lol
#fields of mistria#fields of mistria march#that last part especially#anyway im in fall year 1 and finally got his 2 heart event bc ive been ignoring the fuck out if him p much exclusively#and i already had an infused silver hoe by the time he gifted me the copper one and i felt not a shred of guilt selling that fcking lmao#my personal ick towards engaging w him makes the rare moments i do so much funnier in a “marchs rare olive branches are too little too late#way#also a hoe? the most underutilized tool i have in my roster okay march very helpful#i used that thing once and its been in storage since but thanks for the second worse hoe bestieee#also i know im in the extreme minority of ppl that have a hard time w this specific ludonarrative dissonance so forgive me#for being a wet blanket
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the tragedy in night and day doesn't lie in the accident because day doesn't blame night for the accident (not really, not in the way night blames himself). the tragedy in night and day lies in day having wanted night to be his big brother but feeling like he had to take on that roll for night instead and night having wanted day to be his little brother who is as proud of him as he is of day but being unable to figure out how to get there before the accident. the tragedy lies in day not understanding why night couldn't step up until after day went blind ('im just so damn lucky to be blind') and their mother and the world started treating him like a tragedy; leaving him feeling like night has always been jealous of him and is only stepping up to take the place of the golden son of the family now that it's up for grabs. the tragedy lies in night not being able to communicate to day that he was always proud of him and that him showing up to his sporting events only after day went blind isn't because day is blind now but because he has always loved him and supported him ('this is my little brother. he's a junior athlete on the national team') but now it's impossible to convince day of his sincerity and night can't forgive himself. the tragedy of night and day lies in these brother not having been given the time to naturally grow out of this crooked brotherly dynamic that was put upon them and now they're stuck under all this weight both unable to leave the night of the accident when they're around each other. the tragedy in night and day is that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and they are too stuck in the past to look at today.
#last twilight#i have a lot of thoughts about feeling like you have to be the older sibling while you arent#i have a lot of thoughts about the sick pride and sadness that comes with being praised over your sibling for being the 'good one'#i also have a lot of thoughts about feeling like a failure compared to someone you love so deeply#about sibling rivalry and jealousy and the feeling like you are competing because of all this external pressure#when all you need is a brother#i have a lot of thoughts about a great many things concerning the mother and the father and the family dynamic and how#night and day were shaped into who they were and how it informed their relationship#about nights guilt and sadness and days anger and resentment#but in the end i just keep thinking about how day is the one who is called to pick night up when hes so drunk he cant walk#and how night gifted day a pet goldfish; named it little day and how despite days claims to hate the name and never wanting the pet#he never changed the name and watching the goldfish became the highlight of his day for a year#im very emotional about them and i need them to fucking talk soon okay
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My relationship with destiny as a franchise is coming to an end pretty much as soon as season of the Wish is done. Ending because of the corporate bullshit and repeat of the same thing with Mass Effect Andromeda that killed my love of that series. Still holding out because the annual pass was a gift, as well as other significantly heavier reasons.
But that's really just a side note.
The actual point of this post is holy fucking hell that last Imbaru Engine puzzle. I loved all of them, even if I needed a guide for stuff like the cards, or a little hint on "okay what am I missing here, point me in the right direction." But I got all of the Noodling done myself, and it only killed me once, which was satisfying as hell. Shit, even Oryx and Xivu's puzzles killed me more than that.
Given the way that the Destiny devs like to incorporate player behavior and play with Savathun seeing past the 4th wall, I like to think she was watching me/my Titan doing this and taking psychic damage at my shorthand. I'm gonna drop my horrible little notes app "chart" under a cut so y'all can also behold the Noodling.
Asterisks are the puzzle claim, positive and negative are the truth of the claim. And again, my shorthand is just. Atrocious.
Also, I'm calling it now.
"Cayde-6" is the form our last wish dragon is gonna take when we figure out how to phrase our wish to get into the Traveler.
#destiny 2#season of the witch#answers to questions nobody asked#i feel like the smartest motherfucker on the planet and god it breaks my heart that so much work went into this#and bungo just fucked a bunch of their people over because of the wildly disproportionate unending deluge of shit on lightfall#and the only reason the disgust didn't drive me to drop it immediately and entirely#is because the annual pass was a gift. and also a bribe to myself.#basically while EXTREMELY fresh off my last attempt it was my motivation to not try again in the next year#even if only out of guilt for wasting someone else's money
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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Game? No.
Write? No.
Art? No.
Glare hatefully at my phone because it also does not have whatever my brain wants? Sure, why not.
#well. i know what i want and that is a drink#but we do not drink anymore#so i will make some tea and turn on some music and try and relax after this gods awful day#zero star day babes zero stars#the witch speaks#hubs had the gist of it when he goes i want a smoke and hes not smoked in...15 years?#you know it was a rough day when every vice comes back to bite you with an offer of fake tranquility#but at least i got my besties christmas gift reordered. not the same one but. maybe one day that will show up at her house#considering it should have been there over three weeks ago? odds are slim but hey#i got christmas money to spend on me and im so tired thats not even tempting#even when we are doing alright the guilt of spending money on something for myself is overwhelming#push comes to shove i hand hubs a wishlist and say surprise me lol
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The church music production is actually taking a lot out of me. I am really excited about it and it feels like having back something that I'd lost, but I'm so tired.
#a sock speaks#local construction#I haven't sent any Christmas cards or gifts. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get my act together in time#the guilt about it has been gnawing on me but I have got to rest#I might send New Year's greetings instead this year#@ my penpals I promise I love you and am thinking of you!
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Haven’t really formulated these thoughts into any coherent observation yet but something something East of Eden’s depiction of religious guilt offers a sense of forgiveness that makes one understand why people find comfort in religion versus Brideshead Revisited’s depiction of religious guilt being this frustrating and off-putting obstacle that drives all the characters to an eternal state of melancholy.
#only comparing these because I read both books this year and loved them both#but the feeling I was left with at the end about religion was so wildly different#I don’t think they were even trying to get at the same thing but the way the theme of religious guilt affects these character’s lives#was fascinating to me in both books#like the kids trying to get Lord marchmain to accept his last rites#versus Cal begging for absolution as his father is on his deathbed#the religion being a comfort entirely for the kids in both instances#but for Cal it was a gift and for Julia I felt like it doomed her a bit#and also I was on charles’ side for that whole episode. the man did not want to be catholic!!! leave him alone!!#anyway finished Brideshead Revisited. very good!#old man yells at cloud
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#negativity cw#was looking at old photos of my parent when they were dating/newly married#and it’s very bittersweet#they were just a year or two older than me when they first met#and I can see how much I look like both of them#especially my dad for the first time#I’ve never really seen my resemblance to him before#but I can’t forget my mom telling me every year since im 13 im the reason they have marital issues#and that they’re going to divorce because of me#and my dad is going to have a heart attack and die because of me#and they’re going to have to sell the family home bc of me#and my siblings are going to grow up in a broken home bc of me#and she’s going to [redacted] herself because of me#and even now that I’m an adult and financially independent and moved out#and the drama of my middle/high school/college years are behind us#she does not feel any guilt or remorse over it#and still very much blames me#their anniversary is coming up in the new year and they are not seeing a gift from me
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#if i told you i could not fall asleep on your birthday could you believe me?#that i slept in the jamaica shirt?#i have no idea if that was your gift to me or if it was for my uncle or someone else#i have your shot glass that you so haphazardly gave to me#but tbh i was such a coward i couldnt bear to touch and give out all of your gifts#it feels wrong. a reminder that I fucked things up with us#i dont even know what i want anymore or if i can get through this#i feel so alone wallowing at the current state of things#im constantly short of money and overspending like crazy#i keep thinking about the guilt of it all and the knowledge that you wouldn't be so happy hearing from me if you knew what happened#and what i continue to do#i just feel so lost after realizing i ripped apart of my soul out by leaving you#and knowing that i did something that had broken it beyond repair if i didnt go#just. hoping your year is better#and now i cant stop thinking of the ways i freely gave my love to you without thinking#how we shouldve been serious sooner and that i couldve been with you if i was better#better at controlling myself or better at admitting that i was struggling#oh my sweet...it doesnt even matter the little things like my sex drive being higher than yours#or the fomo id have about not doing things when you let me socialize and would join/invite me to things#its hard to confront giving my niece a gift from you and face the fact that the trip wouldve made me open up#i was just. too cowardly to let go of my ex.
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As someone that didn't play or watch anyone play TLoU, I'm having so much fun watching the show and the reactions of people that do know the game
I was just talking to my sister in law about this the other day, because she also has not played the game, but she's really enjoying the show. I was telling her that I'm both jealous and not jealous of people who haven't played the game. Like, on the one hand, I have a general idea of what to prepare myself for each week, but I'm sure it's obvious that I'm still shocked every week. On the other hand, it can be really fun to not know what's going to happen next. I would have been very into this show even if I hadn't already played the game(s) and it's been super fun seeing new people get into it.
Obviously I'm still into it now lol this is such a good adaptation.
#erin answers things#the last of us#tbh i was almost a person who didn't play the games#because i don't do well with horror games a lot of the time if they're too scary#like i love watching people play the resident evil games but i can't actually play them myself#but someone had the audacity to buy me the first game like... 8 years ago now?? i think?#anyway it's the same reason i played the mass effect trilogy lmao because someone gifted me the game and i had to play it out of guilt#and then i became obsessed#there are no spoilers here so no spoiler tag is happening
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Sing Trauma Playlists:
Playlist Link:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0cwtEKWKCUcSaWHI0hmDfo?si=iMNJl4tnSBKgrGc75qhtHA&nd=1
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Song list:
IDK You Yet - Alexander 23
Heather - Conan Gray
Dancing With Your Ghost - Sasha Alex Sloan
Remember That Night? - Sara Kays
You Broke Me First - Tate McRae
Body - Jordan Suaste
If I Don’t Laugh, I’ll Cry - Frawley
Honey and Glass - Peyton Cardoza
Devil Doesn’t Bargain - Alec Benjamin
Sweet Hibiscus Tea - Penelope Scott
Prom Dress - Mxmtoon
Are You Satisfied? - MARINA
Average - Sushi Soucy
Poster Kid - PEACH MARTIME
Pretty Hurts - Beyoncé
Try - Colbie Caillat
Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri
Moral of the Story - Ashe
Play Date - Melanie Martinez
Hurry, Hurry - Air Traffic Controller
Broken - Isak Danielson
Falling Apart - Michael Schulte
***an important note in the tags***
#sing 2#sing ryan#ok like 92% of these are headcanons but pretty well justified#ryan's a traumatized perfectionist going through gifted and talented kid burnout#i based all of his trauma off of a conbination of my trauma from my years in dance and other dancers experiences#in summary it's extremely angsty#the poor boy is struggling with dance trauma and relationship trauma and all the traumas#he needs a hug#which is why he's given a really huggable roomate!#but seriously if you are struggling with an ED please look up the songs before just listening#<- that's the important note!!!!#all of his struggles with that and guilt from dance in my fic will be based off my personal experiences with the same things#to all you guys out there who are struggling rn#I love you and support you! <33333
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[Image Description: initial tweet by Jesuro, @ JesuroKun. It's says, in allcaps, "Hey artists what does your family think about your art". Beneath the tweet is a screencap of Skipper, the CGI Adelie (?) Penguin from the Madagascar movies and the Penguins Of Madagascar cartoon series. He is popping out from a hole in a wooden box, pointing a flipper straight ahead and his beak open in speech. In reply, kosa [cannot tell what that emoji is on my phone, it's a red rectangle at an angle] 305, @ KosoNah, tweets "My dad saw my skill in art and said I should have y into NFTs and I said no, those are scams. And he said 'I know. I want you to scam people'". End I.D.]
#image described#my parents are a little too supportive tbh#I'll make mention about a new media i want to try but it's expensive or i don't need to start a new project or anything#and they go out and immediately buy the thing for me despite the price and then buy me more supplies for said media#this has been the enteral struggle of my life lol#for all their abuse they pitied me for being so sick as a kid so they pretty much got me whatever material good i asked for#and often things i didn't really ask for#then i would fall out of the hobby or not even use the stuff i didn't ask for and they would get mad and guilt trip me for the wasted money#this gave me such a massive complex about asking for even things i needed or wanted and then would insist every birthday and holiday#that they donate to a good cause instead but this just lead to a negative feedback loop#where they would buy me expensive things i didn't want or need then they would get mad about the money wasted again#it was only a few years ago after years of therapy to accept gifts from anybody again because i carried such a guilt complex about it#nowadays my parents buy me things out of their own guilt for the abuse they acknowledge they heaped on me as a kid#which was fine at the beginning but it's reawakening my own guilt complex over gifts lol#i try not to let it bother me anymore if they want to buy me the expensive paint that's their money to spend i guess#anyway rambling in the tags
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🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️
#kat talks#is it weird that i still have the gift/s this guy gave me for my 18th birthday#he had a crush on me and i still hold a lot of guilt over how i handled the situation tbh#full on had a dream i was able to apologise to him like. last week or smth.#anyways he folded me a bunch of paper cranes and got me a bracelet and handmade + illustrated a card#man idk i feel like my fear/anxiety (about multiple different things) at the time made me kinda like#idk i would really like to apologise to him#but i. im conscious im the type to hold onto the past really tightly so like#to reach out.. what like 8 years later is 🧍🏻♂️#wait EIGHT no it has not been eight years#....#five. just five.#okay i scared myself there#but anyways ive seen him a few times since (like from a distance) and i know hes seen me from a distance and chosen not to come up to say hi#(even tho his friends did) (but i feel like it was more to tease me/him or smth idk how to explain it but thats the vibes i got)#so idk i guess i just dint wanna risk like. bringing up unmecessary things esp if hes moved on#🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️
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y'all i was this 🤏🏼 close to paying too much money for the Regina funko pop
#why do they vault them#why can't i get the keychain version#i stopped buying pops because like they're just more things to collect dust but like#i really want this one#i've got that collector gene okay i like to have things#i actually have a little mg collection going make it stop#tbd#but i really shouldn't be buying shit because bills and also i might actually be getting my first tattoo and idk what that'll cost#fyi i only have 7 pops and 3 keychain ones#i also have a morgana pendragon action figure hiding behind them on the shelf#i don't want to talk about it#i also have a sticker collection and a pin collection and a record collection and a coin collection from when i was growing up#oh and all the damn posters from when i worked in movie theaters#why am i like this#and technically my dvd collection from crossroads to now#and i saved my movie ticket stubs for YEARS idk why#collector or dangerously close to hoarding#and if something was a gift?? the guilt i feel getting rid of things#they don't remember giving me a gift but i remember
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