#and knowing that i did something that had broken it beyond repair if i didnt go

[fleastinger]

[shigarak1slut]

Hello! I saw your requests were open, and wanted to request something for Bakugou? I was thinking, there's hcs about why he doesn't want to hold your hand, in case he accidently sets off his quirk. But could you write something for if he did set o his quirk by accident, and he injured you holding his hand? Not enough to do serious damage, but it still really hurts? If you can't don't worry! Thank you for reading this! Love your writing btw, it either makes me super happy or I cry for days💀

Hii

I've never read this hc it's so sad

So I had to do it

Hope you like it

Dating bakugo was great . No dating bakugo was fantastic. This boy seemed like he knew how to do everything right all the time .

But even though you guys were dating for seven months now and you had all ready explored each other body multiple times he still insisted on not holding your hands.

"Come on Katsuki just hold my hand just for five minutes." You plead almost everyday but the answer was just a plain "No" from him or a "I dont like physical contact" .

The second one did seem like an excuse since he would all ways find a way to touch you. Shoulders touching ,you sitting on his lap , putting his head on your lap after hard days etc

And even though you guys were doing great it always bothered you how he denied holding your hand no matter the occasion . It made you feel unwanted.

One night just before you guys fell asleep overthinking got the best of you.

"Katsuki , do you like me ?"

You asked braiding your fingers together and looking at the ceiling.

"No I spend ten hours a day with you and sleep at your place because I have nothing else to do." He said sarcastically .

"I'm serious. Do you like me ?" You said again

He turned around to look at you but your eyes were still stuck on the ceiling. " Of course I like you dumbass why the fuck are you even asking that?" He said angrily

Why were you questioning his feelings for you ?

"Its- it's just that- Its just that you never hold my hand Katsuki." You said trying to gather all your courage.

"This shit again? I just dont want to,what does this have to do with me no liking you ?"

You sat on the bed and looked at him still lying there .

"Every other couple does, look at denki and Sinsou their hands are basically glued together. You never do it ." The last sentence came out more like a thought to yourself .

"For fucks sake , I dont want to hurt you, okay ? I would love to hold your hand but I still cant control my fucking explosions. What happens when I hold your hand ,get mad and explode ? " He said looking in your eyes .

You sat there speechless " Babe, that's why you dont hold my hand ? This is stupid, I know you wont hurt me."you said looking back at him

"How do you know that?"

"Because I trust you." You said, " I trust you enough to know that you would never hurt me baby." You extended your hand." Hold it."

Bakugo looked at you in disbelief

"Just do it."

He extended his hand to hold yours. You braided your fingers together.

"See ? Nothing happened and nothing will ever happen . Okay?"

"Okay"

This was the scene that played again and again on Katsukis Bagukou mind like a broken film while he was waiting outside of your room in the ER.

And to think how great this day started.You and him had decided prior this week to go shopping in the nearest mall from your house and you were having the time of your lives too. That was until Bakugo heard some not so nice comments from a group of boys next to you.

Look at her she could practically be a pornstar with this body

Im sure shell be good at it too

"The fuck did you just say ?"

How could you be so stupid to trust him ?How could he be so stupid to trust himself ?

He was shaking to the thought that he might have hurt you beyond repair.

He could not believe he did it.

The door opened and a doctor came out .Bakugo jumped off his seat. "How is she ? How is her hand ? Will she be okay ?"

"Hello Mr.Katsuki , I can assure you that your wife is in good condition. Her left hand has a second degree burn that will need some time to heal we provided her with some painkillers and she is resting well at the mom-

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST ASK ME?"

Your voice was heard through the entire hospital.

Katsuki run to your room where he saw a terrified nurse and you fuming from your anger.

"Y/N, is everything ok ?Did something happen ?" Katsuki stepped a little closer to you.

"This man right here has never hurt me in his entire life until today . He would never do it intentionally do you hear me ? So you can stop asking if the love of my life is abusing and maybe get the papers ready cause I want to leave, NOW."

The poor nurse run out of the room

"Can you believe her?"

Bakugo didnt answer he just fell into your arms holding you in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry love. I cant believe I hurt you , I'll make it up for you okay ? If you want to break up I get it."

You were left speechless with the sudden change of behavior. He was never that touchy in public and he never expressed his feelings,through words at least.

"Katsuki Bakugo get it together. This was an accident okay ? You are not some type of dangerous monster you are my fiance and I would never leave you . Hit me with a thousand explosions and I'll still be here you hear me ? " You looked him in the eyes. "There is nothing you can do that can hurt me enough to stop loving you . Okay?"

"Okay"

"Perfect. Let's leave now before this shitheads try to keep me here forever. Wanna grab a burger on the way home ?"

"Whatever you want shitty woman."

"That's the spirit"

[ackermansupremacy]

Part 2 for the post war dating eren 🥺👉👈 ?? I would prefer for it to be fluff but my poor soul just needs closer. It was so good but my heart it hurts 😔

Damn really? I thought it sucked LMAO i’m glad you liked it!

Turns out your trip wasn’t very long

You loved him a lot and knew he didn’t have much time left due to the titan serum

So you couldn’t stay away

You didn’t expect a change when you came back

You just needed a change of scenery and to blow off some stress for a bit.

But with the titan serum and all, you knew Eren’s days were numbered

And as much as you hated to admit it

You missed him.

A lot

So of course you ended up crawling back to him as much as you didn’t want to

Deep down you knew nothing would change

You felt nothing but shame as you pushed open the front door, already regretting that your allowing yourself to be treated badly once more

But there was nothing, no one was there.

The house was still, almost looking identical to how you left it

A quick sweep through the house and a call of his name confirmed he wasn’t home

But his barely empty tea cup sat cold on the kitchen table

Part of you was relieved that he wasn’t there

It was nice to just be alone in your house for once, you missed the house too

You went upstairs and layed on your bed for the first time in weeks

It smelled just like him, a scent you missed more than you cared to admit

You lied on the bed curled up for a little bit, not realizing that you were slowly dozing off

The sun was far out of the sky and the moon was in its place by the time you woke up

The sound of your front door jerking you out of the deep sleep you didn’t even realize you were in

You shot up and out of the bed, knowing exactly who just walked through the door

Slowly stepping down the stairs until you caught a small glimpse of the manbun you missed so much

“Eren?”

His head whipped around almost faster than you could comprehend

“Oh my God,” he muttered before running at you and catching you in a bone crunching embrace

Everything went still for a minute, it was just you and him while he squeezed all of the air out of your lungs

“Where were you? Why did you leave?” Were the first things out of his mouth

“I told you i was leaving-“ you tried to reason but he cut you off

“Do you have any idea how long i’ve been looking for you?” He was breathing a bit heavier than normal “Its been months,”

He put his hands on your shoulders, “I didn’t...I didn’t think you would actually leave.” He crumbled “I’m so sorry,”

He muttered pathetically, tears were behind his eyes, but the wounds from war prevented them from leaking out

“I’m sorry i mistreated you for so long.” Flashes of the old Eren popped into his eyes, it was so familiar even though it only lasted for a tenth of a second

“I was wrong, I don’t want to be alone. Not like this.” He let go of your shoulders, you knew he didnt want anyone to be close to him when he died

He did care, he truly did

Just in his own selfish way that someone like you couldn’t understand

He was broken beyond repair, even you knew that much

He didnt realize it at first but...you’re his life line

If he doesn’t have anything else he wants you, he needs you.

A silence fell between the two of you, both of you completely unsure of what to say

“If you’re really sorry then lets get married.” You declared

His eyes perked up

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Something was still behind his eyes yet there was still absolutely nothing in them.

“Okay then...Lets finally get married.”

OOF THIS ONE TOOK SO LONG IM SORRY I HAD LIKE NO IDEAS AND I REREAD THE ONE I WROTE AND IT MADE ME SAD SO I WANTED A HAPPY ENDING

I had an idea for another ending but uh,,,i don’t rlly wanna kill Eren just yet so-

Thanks for requesting! I hope you enjoyed!

[chikkou]

What are your thoughts on Brad?

im assuming u mean brad from lisa, so i will respond with that assumption in mind LMAO

as a character, i think hes fucking fantastic. austin jorgensen did an absolutely AMAZING job making brad both empathetic and deeply fucking flawed, but flawed in such a way that it is really difficult to blame him for being how he is. he didnt get to choose any single thing that happened to him, except taking buddy in, and even that was something he managed to screw up. there is something very poignant about seeing a man who has been through so much pain and suffering struggle to do the right thing, to help those in need, to take care of someone and raise them with the love and kindness he never got... and fail. 

he fails completely in everything he ever set out to do. the daughter he swore to love and protect both fears and hates him. he kills scores of innocent people for naught. he never manages to overcome his addiction (but in fairness to him, this is largely buzzos fault as he forcefed brad enough pills to guarantee that he would overdose eventually). all of his friends, even TERRY, turn away from him at the end because he is doing the wrong thing. 

again, in fairness, SOME of the party members will reveal that they only agreed to help brad to get a “shot” at buddy themselves (rage is the only one i can think of rn, though i know there are others) - but there are also a sizable number of them (terry, shocklord, queen roger, and olan immediately come to mind) who were genuinely loyal to brad and cared about him, and only work against him because they sincerely feel he is morally in the wrong. and when brad fights those people, they barely fight back - they have unique, miserable-looking sprites for the final battle and spend most of their turns crying, being scared, or throwing out weak attacks that do little to no damage. they dont want to do this. but because of how far brad has fallen, they feel like they have no choice. 

as a PERSON, i am highly mixed on brad, as one is obviously meant to be. as i said previously, i do sincerely empathize with him. he has experienced an unreasonable amount of trauma, to such an extent that its difficult for me to judge any of his actions, but that goes right out the window the minute he chose to adopt buddy. it was his decision to raise buddy instead of taking her to rando, someone who he could trust and who had the resources to keep her safe for many, many years. brad wanted to prove to himself that he could be better than his father, that he could love and treat a child as they deserved to be treated. but he couldnt. he never recovered from what happened to him. he is haunted by his father and lisa, with no means of tackling it in a healthy way, and he never trusted anyone enough to share his pain with them. we even see it in the flashback where he tries to buy painkillers off of sticky - sticky point blank refuses because brad is clearly unhinged and needs HELP, not more drugs to mask the pain. 

he never should have adopted buddy. it was selfish of him to think he could simply fill the void in his heart with a child and that everything would be fine. by refusing to accept that he is broken beyond repair and in need of some serious help, he unwittingly perpetuated the cycle of abuse, and did unto buddy what his own father had done to him. its a very sad reality, but some people simply do not have the capacity to be good parents, and brad is one of those people. hed already adopted one child, and then abandoned him when the reality of parenthood hit too hard - why would he try to do the exact same thing all over again?

now, i wont be too harsh - i do believe that some part of him did sincerely love buddy. but his love for the real buddy was always overshadowed by his regret over lisa, and even up until the end, i know that when he looked at buddy, he only ever saw lisas ghost. that said, the boss battle that buddy has with brad in the joyful is so fucking perfectly written and full of love and sorrow that its making me emotional just thinking about it LMAO.... it was very clear there that even buddy, for all the resentment she felt toward him, knew how much he loved her and wished things had been different. it was a story that could never have had a happy ending. brad tried, that much is true - but perhaps things would have been different if he had accepted that he couldnt be the parent buddy needed right from the beginning.

tl;dr brad tried but he really shouldnt have

[authorofdanger]

Miroh 2

Genre: Angst

Skz zombie apocalypse AU

It's very sad and violent in some parts, sorry.

"Balance! Balance is key Shuyang," Jeongin sighed while coming behind the boy and helping him plant his feet. Shuyang looked at him in slight confusion before one of the other young boys translated in chinese. Jeongin was given the difficult task of teaching these boys no older than fifteen and no younger than twelve how to shoot a bow and arrow. Smiling to myself I was beyond proud of Jeongin for not only strengthening his shooting skills but for being able to teach as well.

"Hyung have you not noticed how clumsy he is? I'm surprised we didnt put him in farming with Yeji," Hanyu chuckled as he shot and nearly hit the bullseye. "Stop being mean," Zihao groaned in english. Pulling myself to my feet I took over Jeongin's place behind Shuyang and placed my hands over his. "Slow your breathing," I said in his home language, "it's okay to miss. You are learning so breathe. Now balance and focus on your breathing."

"You know chinese," Jeongin gasped. "And english," I said while looking over at Zihao, "dad moved us around alot since he was a company translator. Does it really shock you? I lived in Taiyuan for five years, Texas for six, and Busan for eight years now. Korean is relatively my newest language."

"Hey I'm from Taiyuan," Xinlong said excitedly. Giving him a wide smile I turned my attention back to Shuyang and whispered for him to release the arrow, watching as his arrow finally landed on the rim of the target. "There you go," I encouraged, "now keep practicing."

As time went on, and corrections decreased, I had decided to leave the boys for a moment to survey the base. It wasn't as broken down as the infected towns but it surely needed repairs. The houses were run down and in a few years probably dilapidated but for now it was livable and somewhat warm. The shops we kept around were always busy with people making food, clothes, weapons, and more. Children were running around the property with no parents to corral them inside, only a few of us teenagers and early adults taking over the parental life.

"Y/N I thought you were with Jeongin," Seungmin asked while running up to me from the pig barn. He was wiping the dirt from his hands with a rag in his pocket and tried to clear his face but with little result. "I thought you were supposed to control the pigs. Looks like it was the other way around." Giving me an off smile he lowered his face and groaned, "younger sow has been testing Jisung and I's patience. It's too hyper to be cooped up in the barn but too lazy to burn energy when in the field and it's hard to catch it when I need it. Somehow it managed to learn to open it's own pen so I had to get Changbin to help me rebuild the door to move the latch."

His small smile made my heart swell, I rarely saw him smile during our time together so it's refreshing to see happiness in the same boys I worried about months ago. "I'm obviously not a builder," he added after holding out his cut up hands, "gonna have to borrow some of Hyunjin's bandages." "Need help?"

****

"I missed the way you patched us up. Its alot more comfortable than Hyung's tight and rigid tactic." Finishing up the last wrap I gave his hand a soft squeeze before putting the medical supplies back to its spots. "Had to learn somehow with Namjoon always managing to injure himself. I still cant figure out how he would do it but he always had new injuries each week! Mom was always finding small jobs to do so she was gone alot while dad was always at the companies he was doing work for. He tried to patch himself up but would always hurt himself more," I laughed, "I wonder if he found someone to replace my handiwork."

The room was silent for a moment but my smile never faltered. "I'm sure he's fine," I added, "I'm sure he is running around with Jungkook or Seokjin. They had a big group of friends apparently. I didnt get to see them often since he was scared I would fall for Jungkook but I think he was overreacting. Big brother stuff you know?" "I understand completely. My older sister was the same way with her friends. But she was more worried because I was a bit of a wild child in her eyes. She thought I would corrupt her friends." The room filled with laughter as we thought back to our pasts. Thinking about it now I never would have believed someone like Seungmin would be my friend. In high school I was always shy and a bit of a book nerd but wasn't afraid to stand up for myself. I guess that's how I meshed well with Jeongin when I moved to Korea, attending high school with him. Apparently Hyunjin went there too but I never really got to know him and didnt even know of his existence!

As we sat here I realized just how lucky I am to have met my boys. They helped me learn to grow a backbone and how important it was to not judge a book by his cover. "Well I better get back to the pins. I heard that Chan is going to take some of the men and younger males for hunting practice. You going," Seungmin sighed as he got up. "No I'm going to stay here and let my shoulder rest some more." "Right. But hey, thanks for patching me up."

**** Three years ago****

A loud crash erupted from the living room followed by an "Oh shit!" Glancing over at Jin who came and helped me make dinner tonight I wiped my hands on the apron he gave to me and followed the sound to see my brother trying to pick up the pieces of the now broken vase.

"Why does mom demand we keep glass items in this house," he growled before he cut open his hand yet again. "No Joon get the broom," I laughed. I quickly pulled him up to his feet and examined his hand to see a few thin lines here and there but nothing a few bandages couldnt cover. "You're a god of destruction," I giggled to myself before letting go of him and moving to get the broom,"dont move Joon! You'll break something else with your luck!"

"How is it that he is the older brother but you are the one who takes care of him," Seokjin laughed. "I swear the birth year on my birth and adoption certificates are wrong. I have to be older than him." "What will he do without you in a few years?" "I'll be fine!"

****

I always wondered where he went. Did he make it out of our town alive? Did he find the boys? I might never get answers.

A few hours later and I was huddled in my room by the fireplace, waiting for the boys to get back. Chan and Jeongin were out teaching the younger boys to hunt which was freaky in it's own sense but it was also scary that it was starting to get dark. "Y/N," Shuyang called while rushing in. "I thought you were hunting! What's wrong," I asked. Going over to him and rubbing his heaving back I could barely hear him huffed out "need translator. Felix cant understand. A man is here!"

****

"救命啊," I heard a young man scream as I raced up the staircase. "I dont speak chinese! Do you speak anything else? What group are you from," Felix yelled. "Hyung yelling isnt going to help. It's like when we did that when you were learning korean," Seungmin sighed. "Shut up! I dont see you helping! And where the hell is Shuyang?" Shoving the door open I walked in front of Shuyang and took a look at the situation. Seungmin was sitting in the back corner with his hands in his face, Felix was standing firm but with panic laced on his, and the boy who must have been the man screaming in chinese moments ago was pacing the room.

"My name is Y/N. I speak chinese well. Are you okay," I asked while slowly approaching the frantic man. " His eyes grew wide and he let out a "oh my god! I can speak a little korean but the words arent coming to me right now! My base has been invaded and we need help! I'm from Amber's section!" "Amber? Amber Liu," Felix asked after finally catching on. "They're invaded."

****

We filled the trucks with as many members as we could as we raced to the compound. In my truck we had Felix, Changbin, Minho, Jisung, Lucas, and I. The ride was quiet aside from the engine roaring as Minho raced us through the winding roads. "Please let there be survivors," Lucas whispered to himself, "let my friends be okay." Placing my hand ontop of his I tried to comfort him in any way I could but with little results. "How did this happen," Felix asked which I ended up having to translate. In the best korean he could manage in the moment he said "people were coming back from hunting and one was bitten while he was out. He didnt tell anyone and turned. It spread from there. Oh God Winwin!" Tears rolled down his face and he pulled his sleeves to his eyes to try to stop them.

"Its okay to cry," I hushed, "we are going to help the best we can I promise." Jisung eyed me as I comforted the stranger, knowing my heart was breaking for him. Placing his hand on his back, I could tell Jisung was trying to help too. We both knew what it was like to lose someone to this situation. When we first found eachother he had his older brother with him who got bit saving Jisung. I on the other hand had to shoot my mother when she turned and soon after my father. It's a pain that many in this world are forced to go through but it never gets easier. We all hope for a day this will end but at this point we know the odds are out of our favor.

"We're here," Minho interrupted before we all rushed out of the trucks and others pulled in. With a team of an estimated thirty we raced into the compound and began to shoot every Walker in sight. I stuck close to Lucas and Felix as we tried to find and gather survivors but only managed to find a small group hiding in a closed off room in the leadership tower. "Ten! Amber," Lucas cried as he rushed into the room. Doing a headcount I was able to see five survivors and then Lucas, my heart dropping at the alarming number. "We couldnt stop them," Amber shook, "I just had to find survivors and barricade ourselves until help arrived."

"We're here," Felix comforted, "now come on. We need to get you guys to a vehicle while we search for more." "I'll keep looking. I have great aim and can protect myself," I suggested. Nodding his head, Felix ushered everyone out while I raced around the entire compound. The bodies laying on the floor added to my fear and I prayed for atleast one more survivor. "Please! Anyone!" On the ground was a young male with a Walker ontop of him, snapping at his face. Pulling my arrow back I was able to nail him right in the back of his head and ran to help the young man.

He had to be close to Jeongin's age but definitely a giant in comparison. His eyes were soft but full of fear but I had to push my own aside to try to soothe him in this moment. "Are you infected," I asked. Shaking his head I immediately pulled him to his feet and handed him a gun from my bag and continued through the compound. After nearly an hour though and no other survivors in sight I knew it was time to leave.

"But Chenle! I cant leave him!" "Someone else might have found him. We have to go," I ordered before pulling him by his arm to the trucks that were already packed and preparing to leave. "Is that all of our team," Felix yelled through the crowd. "We are all clear sir," another called out. Helping the boy into the bed of the truck I crawled in to sit by him and the new members of our base, listening to the cries of pain as they went through their list of friends who were either infected or killed.

"Johnny," one asked. "Got bit. I watched someone shoot him soon after. Same for Mark." "Chenle?" "Infected." My heart went out to this group. These were their friends, their family, and they had to watch some of them die today. "I'm sorry I didnt get help soon enough," Lucas apologized. Amber placed her hand on his face and made him look at her, "you saved us Lucas. You cant save everyone but you saved someone! You did great." "Its not your fault," another girl added, "this wasn't something we could have stopped. Its life now."

Life sucks.

[filmnoirsbian]

I am in the passenger seat and everyone likes a good road trip, dont they

Everyone likes a good story about the girl who wanted to die learning how to breathe again

And maybe we arent there yet, and maybe no one wants to hear about the grimy bathroom in the 7eleven

Considering the stuttering fluorescent lights, considering the river bed

Considering emptying our lungs out like old wallets so we dont carry the weight of our fathers for once

19 and im half a world away with homesickness kicking a bruise into my stomach

And ive moved beyond the razors, the tried and tired means, ive moved on to dragging strangers into bar bathroom stalls and

Riding in the backseat with my feet in his lap and my head out the window and i know that hes drunk and driving too fast and

I think of myself as a doe in the middle of the highway, that blinding light as the last thing i'll ever see

And that night i jumped onto the train tracks and barely made it to the other side, you had to drag me up and pulled so hard my shoulder ached for days, the hollow pain whispering youre still alive

And i laughed, i blamed it on the tequila, i blamed it on the ecstasy, i blamed it on the dare but you looked at me and i thought maybe youd figured out what i had

That sticking a gun into your mouth isnt the only way to die and oh, wouldnt it make it easier on everyone if they could say it was an accident?

20 and im home bent over the toilet and my mother just retiled the bathroom but i wish it was still stained like me

21 and i have never wanted anything the way i wanted to look in their mirror and see something different

Did you know i had to teach myself to fall asleep because it felt a little bit like dying?

Did you know i had to teach myself to get out of bed the next day?

Normal brains dont fall apart at the thought of opening up this mouth like a gutter, but

When you have never known what it is to walk like you arent wading through floodwaters

You dont get to miss it, right? Because i dont think i have ever lived in a way that was easy, but sometimes i dream about it still

22 and i tell you about the bathrooms, i tell you about running away, i tell you about the glass candle holder, the bloody dish towels and

My mother didnt mean to be angry that i tried to kill myself at 17, she just couldnt help it, the way

It hurts when you give someone a present and find it back in the store window days later because they didnt want it

23 and i am pulling your sweaty hair back in the bathtub because you didnt know what to eat to weigh the sleeping pills down and

Your words like punching through drywall, please dont tell my parents, please

And when you started to cry and you asked is this all life is? Just trying to die over and over until it finally takes?

And i said no, i said drink your water, i thought there's got to be more, its got to get better than sitting in our underwear in stale bathwater

There has to be more than this constant echoing wound

24 and there is this chinese vase i saw once, itd been shattered and then painstakingly repaired with gold gilding in every crack

It was beautiful, not because it had been broken and painted over, but because someone had seen the shards and thought

Those can be healed

You pull the car over 13 miles from the ocean, you say i forgot the air can smell like this

You steal my coffee and make a face--you dont like almond milk--you ask is it always gonna feel like this?

- charlotte, 09.15.18

[bigsquinky]

quick sketches from a shapiro and mulligan alien au ::3c i wrote something too for this scene. I dont write stuff very often so its rough but i will put it under the cut here

the storage corridor was dimly lit, sparks from exposed wires lighting the way down the destroyed passage. the alamanium steel doors were crushed, thrust open unnaturally with an inhuman force that rendered them useless. all the  way down to the end, large dents and ruptures could be seen along the walls, identical to the ones leading back down the main hall. 

 Shapiro was not happy. Not happy at all 

 she had been away for just a moment, something to do with confirmation for a shipment or going over some trivial documents, nothing out of the ordinary of what usually happened during the day. a lot was expected of her, but there was no way she could supervise training cadets, overseeing daily maintenance, and everything else in their quadrant of the ship. she was only gone for the smallest moment, but thats all that was needed for everything to go wrong. a large crash echoed from the training bay, followed by the audible screaming of a few cadets, as well as, oddly enough, the odd roars of cheering. 

whatever ruckus had occurred while she was gone left the bay in shambles, large craters on the ceiling and the walls, lights and equipment broken, everything would have to be replaced, everything brought back to code. it was going to be a bureaucratic nightmare. oh, and that one cadet would have to be taken to the emergency wing. but he was the least of Shapiros worries at the moment, he would be fine anyways, Grutians were known to be virtually indestructible, if anything, only his pride was wounded. 

No, Shapiro's worries were down that busted up supply hall, and as the appointed quadrant manager, she needed to bring everything back to efficiency quickly, before more reports would be required. A large group of cadets and employees gathered behind her in the hall, all murmuring in fright and surprise at what was happening. Shapiro clicked at her belt and put a regulatory protection field between her and the crowd, preventing them from moving any closer into the supply hall. the frantic chattering of a cockroach in a labcoat was heard coming closer to the scene of the mess, as O'Reilly banged on the field, his muffled pleas to Shapiro to wait for an armoured squad fell on deaf ears. It was her responsibility, and this mess was going to be fixed, even if she had to make another one.

She made her way down that hall, mentally preparing herself for the struggle that could happen. From day one, that cadet only got in trouble, and caused her trouble. She thought that keeping him on probation would solve at least some of her problems. its not like he was doing any of this on purpose, but this Cadet Mulligan seemed to attract trouble wherever he went. It was everyone else that seemed to have problems with him, stemming from eons old beliefs in superstitions that beings like him were considered cursed, or biological mistakes. she at least knew how it felt to be looked down upon, being Atharian meant that from birth she had to work harder than most to even get to where she was now, but she still had more of a privilege than the cadet did, even if he was half Arachnian. But because Shapiro worked so hard and gave up so much to get where she was, it jsut meant it could be torn away from her so much easier, her higher ups were just waiting for her to fail, giving her all of this work knowing full well not even the most able of commanders could not  complete what she managed to in a day, and she knew it. Despite all her successes, all she needed was one slip up, and it could come crumbling down beneath her. She could not afford to show weakness in a time like this, not again. not ever. she reached the end of the hall, and pushed the big storage room door open

to say it was a mess was an understatement. Shapiro could barely creak the door open enough to squeeze through with the large shelf of various supplies toppled over in disarray. the only light in the room from the working emergency lights lit the clutter in a dim, cold blue light. She quietly navigated the maze of toppled over supplies and stock, taking expert caution to make her presence in the room unknown. if one did not know about the events leading up to this mess, one would assume the ship had made course through an asteroid belt. Shapiro's pointed ears perked up as she finally heard the source of her troubles. Mulligan was there

Shrouded in the darkness, he was hard to make out. Shapiro squinted, as hard as the emergency lights tried to do their job, they were beyond overdue for repair after the beating they took today. What she could make out of his figure however, broke Shapiro into a cold sweat. Finally, she clued into the seriousness of the situation she put herself into, wishing in the back of her mind that she did listen to O'Reilly, although she would never admit he was right if she ever got out of here

Even though he was sitting, he towered over her, his head short of hitting the ceiling. the once recognizable Atharian frame that he had donned was gone, instead a colossal figure grunted and snarled, writhing in confusion as his he tried in vain to reconstruct himself. he panted heavily, clutching his head with two large arms, while four other appendages scratched at his body and braced himself to the steel storage case. Mulligan twisted and contorted but to no avail, a large fist slammed into the wall behind him, leaving a large dent. Shapiro silently stared petrified, her breath ragged. She attempted to shuffle herself backwards and out of there without being noticed, a hand moving slowly to her belt for a plasma taser, in case she needed to defend herself, but instead she misstepped, her foot knocking a small provisions can into a panel, causing the latter to reverberate, and her presence to be known

Mulligan stopped and jerked his head unnaturally towards the sound, breathing heavily, his face partially blocked by his arm. Shapiro froze, and their eyes locked. Mulligan's expression changed from a look of fury, to distress, as he let out a booming cry. he shifted back into the dark as far as he could go, his back against the wall. His breathing was rapid, with a look of horror on his face, it was like he was a scared animal backed into a corner. Crying out in a foreign tongue, what sounded like a plethora of backwards wailing to Shapiro, Mulligan's arms frantically moved into a defensive position, and attempted to cover his face. He continued to wail as Shapiro got off the floor and steadied herself, cautiously moving closer towards the creature. Mulligan tried in vain to move further back and away, but he could not move anymore, his large form made it impossible to break out of this corner. His breathing quickened, and his speech became broken and more unintelligible as he choked back tears. He violently flinched as Shapiro brought up her hand to her scouter, combing through old catalogues of alliance data to find translation as to what the cadet was saying. The scouter laboured for what seemed to be an eternity before it made a cheerful beep as it finally calculated a basic translation of the cacophony. Mulligan continued to cry out in panic as Shapiro finally read what he had been saying this whole time

" GO AWAY! AWAY FROM ME! MONSTER! AM MONSTER!"

the script had scrolled across the screen multiple times as Shapiro stood there in silence. Mulligan closed his eyes as he continued to shake and repeat the devastating message. His fingers dug deep into his face as all the sounds around him started turning into static, letting out one last painful cry before he quickly stifled himself in a swift jolt. His eyes shot open, his breathing ragged, as he looked down and saw a small purple hand lightly touching at his knee

Shapiro sat up tall, facing away from Mulligan with her hand on him, her three fingers slightly stroking and patting his thigh. He brought a quivering hand down, dwarfing her hand as he gently brought it into his. Shapiro continued to look straight forward, as Mulligan's breathing slowed and became controlled, his shoulders relaxed, and he slowly leaned forward away from the wall, and the two sat in silence

She waited a while, before she finally spoke. "Mulligan, what happened?" He sat there. Shapiro repeated herself in the same unwavering but quiet tone. "Mulligan, what happened?" Mulligan swallowed, his entire body still shivering. "It-It-It happened so fast, I couldn-couldn't stop- I just-" "Mulligan, what happened in the training bay while I was gone?" Shapiro didnt want to escalate things, but she had to get Mulligan to talk before a security squad busted through that temporary field. Mulligan stammered. "It-it-it was Giraldi. He came up to me, saying it was my fault he was taken off the scouting mission. He-he slammed me against the wall, I didnt do nothin', I just took it until-" He paused "-'til he brought up YOU." "Me?" Shapiro finally turned slowly to look up at mulligan, the faint blue glow partly illuminating his face. His expression darkened, his fangs were bared and a low growl escaped his lips. "He  said shit that was deplorable, about Atharians, about you, that it was beneath him as a Grutian to take orders from a bug. Disgusting shit about what he could do and no one would stop him, and he called you, he called you a-" Mulligan's grip on Shapiro's hand tightened. She let out a small yelp as Mulligan gasped and pulled his hand away "IM SORRY!! Im sorry-im so sorry i-". Shapiro grabbed his hand with both of hers this time. She looked at him intently, her spots glowing faintly revealed the makings of a pained expression, the first time she had bared any resemblance of feelings to anyone since that time. She took his hand and rested her forehead on it, as Mulligan's breathing calmed down. Mulligan exhaled. "Af-After that, I lost it. i lost control, i could only see red as i flung him around that room. When i remembered what was happening and where i was, I freaked out and ran off here. I got, so scared that what happened last time was gonna happen again, i had to calm down fast, but i couldnt! i was still so upset about everything, and then-" He stopped. He turned his head to look at Shapiro, his purple, polycoria eyes the only thing visible in the shadows. "Im so sorry, Lieutenant Commander"

Shapiro closed her eyes, and exhaled, still keeping her grip on Mulligan's hand. "Whats done is done, Cadet. We cant change that. I dont know what will be decided by the Commander, or if a higher council will be brought in but-" She smiled slightly "- i thank you for standing up for me, Mulligan" She felt Mulligan's hand shrink in her own, and felt the growth of another finger, until it finally slowed, and he locked his fingers with hers. She looked up at him, his form back to that of a fake Atharian, and a tired smile on his face. His two eyes, once four, while displaying no signs of his metamorph mutation, are slightly red. "Thank you Shapiro." She smiled back. "Dont thank me just yet, someone will have to clean up this entire mess!" Mulligan chuckled, and the both of them walked out of the storage hall, still holding each others hands.

[leelee10898]

Chapter 3: Slow Hands

Song inspiration Slow Hands by Niall Horan

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixleberry studios except those unique to my story.

WARNING contains NSFW (Ok this was my 1st time ever writing NSFW so bare with me lol)

pairings: Liam&Aria (MC), Aria&Leo

Summary: Social season is in full swing and the gang is heading to Lythikos for skating, skiing. Aria is having flashbacks from her summer in Italy. Meanwhile Leo returns to the palace will he be sticking around?

If you would like to be added to the tag list let me know... 

Tag List @scarlettedragon @annekebbphotography @bobasheebaby

                  ************************************

Time seemed to be flying by since Aria arrived in Cordonia . Her first run in with the press at the derby went really well.. they dubbed her the mystery woman, which was quite fitting considering that's exactly what Liam called her at the Masquarade.

Bertrand managed to get under her skin a bit. He was still pissed at Maxwell for bringing her there. He was always mumbling about "house Beaumonts reputation is at stake" and her personal favorite her "damning house Beaumont beyond repair". Maxwell was her sanity. His crazy antics and being super hilarious saved her from going off the deep end. He was like the goofy older brother she never had.

She was starting to learn about the ladies at court as well. Olivia was the court bully. She was always degrading the other ladies, but Aria knew how to handle her. Kiara was fluid in several languages which Aria thought was astounding and admirable. Penelope had an obsession with poodles, which she thought was cute and weird. Madeline was well, Madeline. She was raised and bred for courtly life, and was very cold to the other suitors. Hana was her favorite, she is so kind and naive, you can't help but love her. Aria hated that Hana let everyone walk all over her, she knew she would have to fix that. The worst part was the lack of time she had with Liam, stealing whatever moments she could when she did get to see him.

She was learning about everyone but one person. She didn't know much about was Liams brother. Ever since she danced with him she just wanted to know more. They were never formally intoruced, she didnt even know his name and had no idea what he even looked like. She never found the time to ask but this long ride to Lythikos was the perfect opportunity.

"Maxwell, tell me about Liams brother." She question as she scoots up in her seat. "Huh? Oh Leo? Maxwell says putting his phone on his lap. "Well he is the former crowned Prince of Cordonia. He abdicated the throne and broke off his engagement to Madeline. He has been dubbed by the press the play boy prince.. he's a really cool guy though."

 "Soooo prince Leo.... wait... He was engaged to Madeline? And now she's a suitor for Liam?" Aria shouts sitting straight up now. "Will you two keep it down over there! Bertrand scoffs "I am trying to figure out how to keep house Beaumont from completely falling from grace" Aria and maxwell exchange a look and smile.

 "Yes, during Leo's social season before he was to take over as king he chose Madeline to be his bride. I guess they felt bad for her and asked her to come back to court as a suitor." Maxwell says with a yawn.. Aria couldn't believe it.. Madeline was a previous suitor? That didn't sit well with her, but she shrugged it off.. the thing that stuck out like a sore thumb was his name, Leo... so if Liams last name is Rhys, that would make Leo, Leo Rhys... that's so crazy. she thought to herself rubbing her head. They share the same name comparing Liams brother and the Leo she met in Italy. All of this made her mind drift back to that night they attended the Masquarade in Italy.

They had arrived at Leo's hotel, since Ellie had company she would be staying with him. Her first thought was how much nicer his hotel was then hers. Her second thought was the fact they were staying in fricken Rome!

"Hey what do you say we stop in at the hotel bar and get a night cap before we go up?" Leo asked as they walked into the lobby.

Aria already a bit tipsy wasn't quite ready to end the night yet.. " What the hell, let's go!." They walk in and sat their selves at a table.

 Already aria was feeling the atmosphere. The music was great and there were people on the dance floor. "Let's do shots Leo" Aria insisted drumming her hands on the table.

"you really want to do this?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Absolutely!" She jumped up and went over to the bar returning with 4 shots.. "vodka?" Leo asked "we are in Italy and you get vodka?" He chuckled.

"when in rome..." Aria winks as she takes the entire shot , Leo follows suit..

" I'm pretty sure that's not what they meant by that." Leo laughs hysterically. "Eh whatever." She waves him off before downing her 2nd shot. "Were gonna need more." She declares running back to the bar.

When Aria is gone for quite a while Leo wonders what she's doing . He finds her at the bar laughing with the bartender. "Leo dear, please come tell this lovely man that I am American pop star Britana Fontain." Aria winks and motions for Leo to come. Leo shakes his head and decides to play along.

"What's wrong Britana?" Leo saunters up to the bar wrapping his arms around her. "You don't believe she's famous?" Leo cocks an eyebrow .

The bartender laughed "Oh no I believe her,Here your drinks are on house." He says in broken English. "Salud" leo says raising his glass. "Salud" Aria does the same as they quickly gulp down their shots.

"Let's dance." Leo grabs her hand and leads her onto the dance floor. She shakes her hips and moves her body to the music. He pulls her in closer, body's touching. She turns around grinding against him. Leo puts his hands on her waist and whispers in her ear "why don't we head up to the room?"

She was so lost in thought she didn't feel the car roll to a stop. "We're here." Maxwell bounces up and down in his seat. "Aria.. ARIA!" He waves his hands trying to get her attention. "Sorry, sorry." Aria apologises.

They get out of the car to see a beautiful scene. Everything was covered in white glistening snow. "This is where Olivia lives?" Aria asks taking in the sight. "This is one of the duchess' homes." Bertrand informs her. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a few calls." He says walking away.

 Maxwell dances in anticipation.. "Go ahead Maxwell." Aria laughs. Maxwell runs and throws himself down on the snow. He moves his arms and legs making a snow Angel. "This is gonna be soooo much fun." He laughs as he gets up to admire his work.

Olivia had planned skating and skiing before the nights dinner. Aria was able to steal a few moments with Liam thanks to Maxwell's quick thinking, he distracted Oliva with his Lord of the dance on skates.

After skating it was time to skii. At the top of the hill she met up with Drake. "Can you even skii Hale?" He teased. "Really Drake? Wanna race?" She enticed him, He was so easy to rail up. "Your on Hale." He accepted with a large grin. The both skii down the hill, weaving in and out of the other skiiers. Aria spots Olivia and Liam up ahead slowly making their way down. She can't help but be petty, as she zooms past and sprays snow all over Olivia. "ughhhhhh." She hears Olivia groan from behind her. Drake has a lead on her but she gains momentum. Aria zips past him and stops herself at the bottom of the hill. Drake comes shortly after. "ok, ok I admit defeat.. nice moves Hale, I especially liked the snow shower you gave ole livy there." he laughed pulling up his goggles. "I'm not sure what you are talking about." She feigned, trying to hold back a laugh.

As Olivia reaches the bottom of the hill. Covered in snow, Olivia almost looks like the abominable snowman. Drake and Aria look at each other and bust out laughing. Olivia scowls at them and announces "I have had enough snow, dinner will be in 1 hour."

At dinner Aria was pleased to find she was sitting with Hana and Drake, the disappointment was they were stuck all the way in the back.. They ended up being served last, the soup was cold and before they could even eat Olivia announced it was time for dancing. "But we haven't even ate." Hana sighed sadly.. "I don't think she cares."Drake mumbled starting eat the plate that was placed in front of him. Olivia had the upper hand here, her house meant she got the most time with Liam.

Having learned the Cordonia waltz through Hannah she danced flawlessly with Maxwell, before switching partners to Liam. "Lady Aria, I didn't know you knew the Cordonian waltz." Liam murmers taking her hand. "Yes, Hannah taught me last night." She twirled around. "we won't have much time before we switch partners again, but I wanted to see if you would meet me, tonight at my room." Liam inquired as they glide across the floor. "I have something I would like to show you." Before she could reply Olivia was back and Liam was gone. The last swell of the dance came as she looked over to see Olivia plant a kiss on Liams lips. Aria felt her stomach turn. Liam pulls away looking at Olivia sternly before escorting her outside the ball room.

 *****

Later that evening aria sneaks off to Liam’s room. As she reaches the door, she paused for a moment to gather her nerve. She exhales deeply before knocking softly.

 "I am so glad you came." Liam smiled stepping aside to let her in. "Well, I have to admit I was curious about what you wanted to show me." She said twirling her hair in between her fingers. He leads her through the room and out onto the patio to a hot tub, candles lit surrounding it. "Wow, this is.. this is beautiful." Aria exclaims taking in the site "did you do all of this?" "Well, yes.. I wanted it to be relaxing for you. I know how stressful court can be." He admitted as he places his hand in hers "So how about we get in" Liam said disrobing and climbing in. Aria does the same. "Ahhhhh, this feels nice." She sighed sinking into the water. "I am glad I got to share this with you." Liam looked at her, His eyes conflicted.

Aria smiles and moves closer placing a kiss on his lips. She felt him smile as he deepened the kiss. She climbs onto his lap stradling him, wrapping her arms around his neck and tangling her fingers in his hair. "Aria!" He says surprised. "Shh." She quiets him with her lips . He runs his hands along her side's and back removing her bra. She grinds her hips back and forth feeling the hardness in his boxers. "Aria, we shouldn't." He loosely protest. She stops kissing him. "If you don't want to..." she says as she climbs off his lap. He grabs her thigh.. He looks at her, licking his lips. "I don't know what's going to happen, truth is I have feelings for you, far more then I should.. but I have to do what's best for cordonia.. I don't want to hurt you.." He sighs running his hand down his face. "I'm a big girl liam." She says rubbing her finger in circles on his chest. "I understand you have to make the best decision for cordina." Liam rubs his hand up her thigh "fuck it." He says pulling off her underwear.

He leans over to kiss her as he sticks his fingers in her warm center. Aria moans quietly pulling at Liams boxers. She clumsily gets them off and climbs up onto his lap and lowers herself onto his cock. She rocks her hips slowly, watching his face with each movement she makes. Liam eyes roll back in his head as he lets out a soft moan. She picks up the pace and his hands firmly grab her hips. He starts to buck up thrusting himself into her, harder, faster, she matches his pace. She throws her head back and moans "Oh Liam, mmmm." It sends Liam over the edge he kisses her neck back down to her breast his hands firmly gripped on her thighs she can't hold back anymore as she lets loose and gives into the sensation. He moans loudly. "Oh fuck... Aria." She feels him tense up as he thrust into her deeply, her movements start to slow as he shoots his hot cum inside her.

She climbs off of him and kisses him gently. "That was amazing." Liam says " we should get some rest " aria gets out of the water and gathers her clothes. "Aria." Liam says leaning over the side of the tub "You are the most amazing woman I have ever met." Aria smiles at him "until next time my prince" She turns and walks away.

Aria sneaks back to her room. Once inside she takes a hot shower and puts something comfortable on. Settling into bed she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door to find Maxwell and let's him in. "Maxwell it's a bit late, did Bertrand send you?" She yawns and walks over to sit on her bed. "Yes, he did."Maxwell says as he walks around the room "he wanted me to tell you to be ready by 6am sharp tomorrow morning." "Why so early?! he is crazy you know that right?" Aria sighs throwing her slef back on the bed. Maxwell chuckles "yeah I know. But since the next event is at our house, he wants us to get an early start. "Ugh fine, I'll be ready.. good night max." Aria grunts still laying down. Maxwell turns to leave "Oh i almost forgot, we just received world that Leo would be attending the Beaumont bash, looks like you'll get to finally meet him." Aria sits up straight "LEO will be there?" "Yup, sounds like he will be around for a while." Maxwell says opening the door "Well good night little blossom." Aria could feel herself getting nervous. She tossed and turned for hours before falling asleep. In the morning they would head to the Beaumont estate.

*****

Leo arrived at the palace late that evening. Palace employees carry his luggage to his quarters as he walks to the study. After his run in with Madeline the night of the Masquarade he kept a low profile. She was not happy about his being there and she didn’t want him interfering with her second chance at becoming queen. Once he told her she wasn’t the reason for his return she laid off and left.

A knock comes at the door "come in." Leos back turned to the door, looking out the window. "Do you have what I asked for?" Leo questions as he walks over to pour a glass of scotch and sits down in the chair. "I do sir" the man walks over and hands him a large envelope. Leo slides the man an envelop full of cash. "No one is to know about this, do I make myself clear." He raises his eye brow. "You may go." The man nods and leaves the office closing the door.

Leo plays with the envelope for a moment flipping it back and forth before opening the seal. He pulls out several papers and a photo and lays them across the desk his mouth slightly agape “I’ll be damned." He mutters "Sorry dear brother." downing the rest of his scotch. "This may get a bit complicated...."

[cheshirechos]

The edges of the hellmout were quiet, a rarity among the atmosphere of the moon, normally filled with the sight of the fallen and hive fighting and squabling between each other but not today. The quiet was broken as a ship approached the large hive made hole in the moons surface, a single guardian transmating down onto the surface, a smouldering bond wrapped tight around her arm, a reminder, a promise, and word to be kept. Readying her hand cannon she steppep onto the pad that summoned the bridge to the center of the circle.

As she waited her ghost popped out of the collar of her robe, flitting nervously around their guardian, though they'd never admit it directly to anyone they were worried about their guardian. "Hey Tels? Are we sure we wanna be doing this? I mean yeah the big terrible hive demi-god needs to die but like, maybe we should bring some of the others? Vixen? Mephis? Echo? Maybe even Virra! Just anyone" her ghost all but pleaded, okay they were a bit more than worried.

"I've told you Storm Chaser, Im not going to risk any of them doing this, you heard Eris, she went in with an team of six and she was the only one who lived, and even then that was barely. Now come on, the bridge is finished." She said firmly, ushering her ghost into its pocket of safety as she reading her gun and began the walk across the path, taking a deep breath she looked down into the abyss, she didnt know what to expect, Eris only told her how to get in, not what came after, but she couldnt stop now. She would succeed or dye trying, and if it was the latter? Well she'd cross that bridge when she got there. With that in mind she let herself fall, the walls of the hell mouth going by at a rapid pace as the floor rushed up to meet her, at the last second she actived her glide, the familiar sensation of the light stopping her fall meer inches from the ground.

Telma looked around as she stood in the only source of bright light in the void, eyeing her surroundings before lights began to light up, as if reacting to her presence there, one not far from her and another further in the distance, the light was faint here, and the air was oppressive, draining her of strength when she so much as dared stray near the edges of her circle. Sighing she steps towards the lantern like objects in the distance, the screams of hundreds of thrall sending her into a sprint, so it began.

Ragged breathing filled the expanse of of the wide open area as the sunsinger pulled the hive sword from the knight it had been burried in letting it drop to the ground as the corpse disolved she slumped against the wall and winced, craddling a wound she had gotten in the melee with the knights, letting her ghost leave its spot she sighed in relief as it healed her wounds. She looked up as a loud deafening grinding filled the space, a dark chuckle echoing around and beckoning her forward, so she rose, her wounds healed and her light strong and head held high she marched on.

She hadnt fallen yet, she was still going, still surviving, Ir Yut was dead, her still disintegrating body laid on the ground besides her, a solar licked marauders sword buried deep into her chest. She'd barely managed to kill her in time, shed felt the cold whispers of her liturgy eating at the edges of her mind, beckoning her final death closer, yet she prevailed, somehow, perhaps by sheer luck, she wasnt sure entirely, all she knew was that she had to finish this.

A cry of pain rang out amidst the ding of the battle, a winding blow from an ogre had sent the warlock into a wall where she lay, waiting for her ghost to use the well of light to heal her and recover her light, yet she knew it wouldn't come. Thrall were closing in, screeching horrendously as they charged towards her prone form. Telma closed her eyes as they began to tear into her, letting darkness take her vision.

It was a weird experience this, not something kost guardians got to experience she figured, not unless they were a sun singer, this odd place between life and death, knowing her body was injured beyond repair yet still conscious, yet she did not panic as she became aware of her situation, she was prepared for such an event, and as a pair of knights approached her fallen body where the thrall still roamed and snarled she reacted, pulling harshly on the light she had stored for her Radiance, her body bursting into flames as her consciousness slid back into her body.

Her eyes snapped open as she let out a gasp of air, great gouts of solar light bursting from her back, incinerating all but the furthest of thrall from her, as she got used to suddenly being on her feet again. The flames slowly turned to bright wings of solar energy spread behind her back. Thinking quickly she threw two grenades, one for each knight and then turned to crota throwing grenade after grenade at his stunned form until whatever barrier was keeping him safe from harm, before she rushed forward grabbing a sword from one of the knight corpses as her radiance fades and crota falls to a knee snarling in anger, she doesnt stop swinging the blade until her foe is defeated.

Telma stares in shock as crotas body quickly disolves into nothing, as if hed never been here threatening humanity with his very presence. Falling to her knees she drops the sword and lets her hands hang limp at her side, she'd actually done it. She'd almost died several times but she'd lived, she'd survived and succeeded. Now it was time to go home, time to return to her loved ones and give them great big hugs, they deserved it, besides shed missed them.

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Changes (Namjoon x You ONESHOT)

Hey thanks for the request anon! Honestly, this song give me feels. This is my first ever hyung line fic, so thanks for giving me the opportunity and hope you will enjoy it! <3

MASTERLIST

Mmm, baby, I don't understand this You're changing, I can't stand it

"Y/N, please baby, open this door," Namjoon whispered for over a hundred times as he slide down her apartment door. He has been here for hours, begging for her to open the door and just talk to him. They have been arguing for weeks, probably months, that Namjoon lost track on how long it actually is. And the worse part is, its over something Namjoon don't even know about. Despite their rocky relationship and Y/N asking him for the gazzilionth time to just end the relationship, let her go and just move on, Namjoon doesn't seem to be able to do it.

Y/N is his love.

She is everything he has ever hoped to find in a girl. She is his perfect match in every single way. The way they met, although is more than a cliche typical love story, their feelings for each other are definitely not. Namjoon and Y/N loves each other very much, too much, they believed they have met that one person that was meant for them in this big world. She catches his eye at a fansign over thousand other girls and he has been pursuing her since them. Relentlessly and shamelessly showing his interest until Y/N submit to her feelings for him that he knows she have.. After months of persuading and chasing after her, Y/N finally opened up her heart to say yes and accept his love.

They were madly in love. They perfectly complemented each other in every way. They spend almost all of their waking time together in Y/N's tony apartment where Namjoon will only go back to his dorm to sleep when he absolutely have to. Tours that use to excites him has become some kind of a torture to him now. Having to spend months away from the love of his life, with only limited time for phone and video calls and short text messages to quench his longing and desire for her was hell. The boys doesn't seem to mind their over obsession with each other, as their leader seems to be at his happiest when he's with Y/N. A happy Namjoon means he is willing to work harder, dance harder, especially on days when Y/N would come and watches him practice, he is constantly in a good mood and with his mind always on cloud nine, Namjoon is able to produced more award winning love songs in a heart beat, all thanks to Y/N. The boys definitely have nothing to complain about their relationship, in fact, they welcome her into Namjoon's life.

Their relationship has been going on so strong for almost three years, Namjoon was sure nothing would ever break them apart. Sure, they have their off days and up and downs. Which couple doesn't? But they will somehow always managed to work things out and it will only lead them to develop a stronger feelings for each other. However, for the first time ever since he met Y/N, Namjoon can feel something is changing. Y/N is changing and it scared him to no end to think he might actually really lose her this time.

Things started to go downhill when he went off for on the last leg of his world tour. Months of separation has taken a toll on him. He miss Y/N so much, he is more than ready for the tour to end, pack his bags and went off to see Y/N, taking her in his embraced, making love to her all night long and never lets go. However, about two weeks before he was set to go home, he can sense the distance Y/N seems to be putting between them. Phone calls that she used to eager to received is now left unanswered. Video calls are met with excuses. Text messages are left unread, making Namjoon more anxious to come home even more. The worse part is, he doesn't know the reason why, and one thing that can make him aboslutely crazy, it is not being able to understand what is happening.

Once he got out of the plane, the first thing he does is run off to hail a cab and make his way to Y/N's apartment, leaving the boys and their manager in confusion. Expecting to see a smiling and overjoyed Y/N who is waiting for his return, Namjoon is sorely hurt and disappointed when he is only greeted by a cold Y/N who wouldn't even let him into her apartment or talk to him. Again, without any reason or excuse.

Y/N is changing.

The months he spent away from her made her change.

And his heart cant take it.

He needs his Y/N back.

"Y/N, its me. I'm back baby!" Namjoon knocks on the door with excitement only to be met with Y/N who looks tired and seems like she's been crying for days. "Baby, what ha-"

"You shouldn't be here Joon. Please just go," Y/N spoke between the crack of the door, voice sounded so weak and defeated, it breaks Namjoon's heart, although what she said should break his heart more.

"Go?" He asks in confusion. "What do you mean baby? Why are you saying this? Open the door and let me in. I miss you," he smile, hoping Y/N will drop the act and told him that this is all just a joke, a prank to rile him up and nothing has changed. Everything is just like it used to be.

"Please Joon. I... I don't want to do this anymore. I cant do us anymore. Please just go," was all the she answer she gave, partnered with a solemn face as she push the door trying to close it shut.

"What? You cant possibly mean that. Baby, I-" Namjoon didn't get to finish what he had wanted to say before Y/N is already shutting the door right on his face, leaving him in confusion and in dazed of what just happened, standing awkwardly in front of her door with his luggage scattered all over the floor.

Namjoon thought maybe Y/N is just going through a phase, and with time, she will be back to normal.

But all that happened months ago, and the situation doesn't get any better. Y/N refuses to talk to him at all, or even see him. Still with no explanation or reason from Y/N, Namjoon was left confused and broken, which made him resort to waiting for Y/N everyday in front of her door, begging and waiting for a chance to talk to her.

And today was no exception.

"Please baby... I dont understand, why are you doing this..." he whispered as he leaned weakly and sat on the floor, back leaned against Y/N's door, whispering the same words he has been asking every day since he came back. Words that he doubt Y/N even hear. Or care.

Namjoon leaned back his head against the door and closes his eyes, trying to think about any possible reason that could have make Y/N changed so drastically. But however long he thinks about it, nothing came to mind except the thought that scares him the most; she just doesn't love him anymore.

If that was true, what could have possibly change her heart?

"Baby... what made you change? Dont you love me anymore? Did you change your mind? Did you decide that I'm not worth to love anymore?" he will always whisper into the cold, still night air, intending for Y/N to hear him but with a voice so weak and defeated, nobody would be able to hear the cries of his broken heart.

Namjoon will spend the whole night curled up in front of her door, believing that she will finally reveal herself one day if he didnt give up and only goes back to the dorm when the sun has risen as he still have his responsibilities to fill. Looking at the tired and a broken down Namjoon everyday worry the boys but they know they should give their leader time before they starts to interfere.

"I love you so much Y/N. I'm not going to give up on us. On you. Never.I love you. I will see you tomorrow love," Namjoon leaned his forehead against her door as he softly speaks through it every morning before he left, hoping that one of these days Y/N will hear the plea of his heart.

Little that he know, every night that he spend leaning and whispering through the door, Y/N is right on the other side, leaning back, hearing every single thing that he said while clutching her aching chest, trying to calm her broken heart while trying hard to muffle her cries from Namjoon's hearing.

My heart can't take this damage And the way I feel, can't stand it

Namjoon is going crazy. He cant think of anything else other than Y/N. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the only thing on his mind is Y/N. Months has passed and Y/N still didnt even give him a slightest reason on why she's doing this. Namjoon's heart is broken beyond repair and its taking a toll on everyone around him.

Is this how it feels to die from a broken heart?

He asks himself as he lay down flat on his bed, flipping through photos of him and Y/N in his phone.

Where did everything went wrong?

The memories of the two of them sharing smiles and laughter flooded his mind.

Why did everything change?

He touched his wet cheeks from the tears that he dont even know is rolling down from his eyes.

What happen Y/N? Please tell me. I dont think my heart can take this any longer.

A soft knock on his door makes Namjoon raised his head to see Jin leaned against his doorway, a sad smile on his face as he looks down at his broken friend and leader. It hurts Jin to see someone who is always so charismatic beaten down to a pulp like this.

"Hey Joon, can I come in?" Namjoon only answered with a weak nod and Jin walks in to take a seat besides him on the bed. "What are you doing? Are you thinking about Y/N again?"

Namjoon closes his eyes and sighed. No one understands what he's feeling and he hates to answer all this questions when all they are going do is judge him and tell him to move on.

But how can someone just move on from being in love?

"What else am I supposed to do hyung?"

Jin sighed. "Joon. Its been months. I think Y/N has made herself perfectly clear on what she wants. Dont you think you should move on too? Isnt that what she would have wanted you to do?" Namjoon straighten himself up and clasped his hands together under his chin, his head hung low.

"How can I do that hyung? When she doesnt even tell me why she's doing this? I thought about it every day but nothing makes sense. I dont understand," he huffed. "My feelings for her is not like running water that I can just turn off whenever I want to hyung. My feelings for her is real and with her doing this... I... I..."

"What is is Joon?"

"I feel like dying," he closes his eyes as if to recall the devastating feelings before continuing. "The way I'm feeling, the way my heart is breaking... I cant stand it hyung," Namjoon buried his head in his hands. Jin softly run his hands down Namjoon's back, patting him as an effort to try to comfort him. He himself is not an expert in love, how is he supposed to say words that would help calm Namjoon's heart?

"I dont know what else to say Joon. But I just hate seeing you like this. All of us do. We are all worried about you," Jin paused as he stare straight ahead at the blank wall. "But always remember that you are not alone. You will always have us," he softly stood up and heads for the door.

Namjoon maintained his position for a while longer as he rethinks and rethinks about everything that had happened in the last few months. Finally, with ultimate determination, he stood up and grabs his jacket. He is going to get his answer, and he is going to get it tonight.

Girl, you're making it hard for me

"Y/N, open up this door or I swear to God I have no problem to break it down!" he yelled as his fist bang against the door, making the wood creaks loudly. He had enough of being Mr Nice Guy. Y/N is going to give him the answers he wanted tonight whether she likes it or not. After the banging continues for almost another 15 minutes, making the neighbors around pokes their head through their door to see what's the commotion that's happening and only to be met with Namjoon's sneering, Y/N finally open the door.

Namjoon quickly steps in before Y/N have a chance to lock him out again. He only realizes what Y/N looks like after locking the door and turning around to face her. Honestly, she looks worse than he is. Her face pale and colorless, dark eye bags all over her eyes as if she hadnt have enough sleep for the last few months, eyes red and swollen, signs she too has been crying non stop and she looks so skinny, that her collarbone shows and protrudes against the loose collar of her oversized t shirt.

"Ba...baby, why are you like this? What happened to you?" Namjoon pulled her into his embraced as Y/N just stood still like a statue, submitting to his every touch. He released her after a while and peeks at her sunken face.

"Baby, please. Please tell me why you are doing this? What happened between us?" He plead. Y/N closes her eyes for a bit before opening it back to stare into his, hollow and blank.

"Why are you here Joon? I told you. I told you I dont want to do this anymore," her quiet voice that Namjoon missed so much finally filled the air.

"No. I know you dont mean that baby. Can you just tell me what's going on? Whatever it is, we will work through it. We always do,"

Y/N looks at his face as tears starts to pool at the corner of her eyes. "No. Not this time Joon. I dont deserve you. Please just go," she begged. Namjoon grab her shoulders and shake her.

"No! I'm not ever going to let go. Y/N please. My heart cant deal with this anymore. The damaged it went through for being apart from you... I cant baby,"

"Joon, you dont understand. Please..."

Namjoon shakes his head. What is Y/N talking about? Why is she saying all these things? What dont he understand?

"Then make me understand Y/N. Tell me. Show me. Explain to me. Whatever it is, as long as I dont lose you, I know I can handle it,"

Tears starts to fall more rapidly down her sunken cheeks at his words. Namjoon dont understand any of it. What has made Y/N so broken?

"Joonie... I love you," her voice is so low Namjoon had to take a step forward to actually hear her. But once he did, once the long awaited the love confession reached his ears, his broken heart soared. Hope starts to rise for him again.

"Baby. I love you too. I love you so much. There was never even a second that I have stop loving you," he gave her swift butterfly kisses all over her face. "Please tell me baby. Make me understand. Mend my broken heart that only you can fix,"

Y/N closes her eyes as her tears is no longer able to stop from spilling out. After a long paused, she finally opened her mouth

"I'm pregnant Joon. And its not yours,"

PART TWO PREVIEW

A/N: I am planning to turn this into a two shot, where the second part has nothing to do with the song, but everything to do with the story. I feel like Y/N deserve another chapter to explain what actually had happened. Give me your opinion if you think I should continue?

Namjoon held the door from letting Y/N slammed it shut on him again. He looked deep into her eyes and he is convinced that Y/N still loves him. He dont understand what is going on, and he want answers now!

"Dont you dare Y/N," he warned. "I know you didnt cheat on me. I know you are not capable of that. You love me and I can see it. Tell me what happened Y/N. Tell me and let me love you again,"

Y/N released her hold on the door and Namjoon take the opportunity to wedged himself in. She lowered her gaze as Namjoon stand in front of her and her tears rapidly fall to the floor.

"You are right Joon... I didnt cheat on you. I...I... I was..."

[justkick45453]

The beginning of the end

This is my frist time talking or coming out about my perspective of being a polyamours male and what i thought was the end of my marriage.

So this journey starts in 2007 2008 ish i was 23 or 24 i was a career driven person how high can i go up the ladder and i just become a manager of a shop and eager to prove my ability also i was married to my beautiful wife who was and is my high school sweet heart i was brought up in a Christian home didnt know anything about polyamory until this day

The beginning of the end or so i thought that day was i had a bad at work my boss was getting on me about missisng sales and i took it harder than i should have because i felt like i was failing so i was more than happy to get home and take a cruise with my wife which we did often to refect on our day's and just talk and get lost in conversation that is when i get hit like a ton of bricks and she told me she had been unhappy for the last 10 years and we either become polyamours or we are over at that moment right there i felt my heart stop and my world went black i was failing at work and at home i wasnt able to make anyone happy thoughts of suicide rush thru my head as it would have been the easy way out and this thoughts pleged me for days and mothes after words and each time i had those toughts i had to hold back the feelings because i didnt know and didnt understand how to process them not truly knowing what being poly ment or how the relationships evan work i had so many feelings and thoughts going on i felt like i was going thru puberty again with mood swings it was bad and i didnt care who i took it out on which made me lose the respecet of my empolyees i just stopped caring about everthing i was going thru the motions with no meaning behind them i was a broken man and thought i was beyond repair until one day i was reading about poly online and i cant remember the name of the article but it made me open my eyes and actually start to embrace the life and how to process the feelings and how to talk to partners with out getting mad and upset and calming tones and discuss the issue not yell because people shut down when they get yelled and at this point i felt like it was all i was doing was yelling at my wife because i thought i failed her and i wasnt man enough to meet her needs and yell at my empolyees who did nothing wrong most of the time but after reading the article something finally clicked when i got home that night we took a crusie and instead or just stearing off out the window and not talking we began to talk and about how the issues isnt with me but why we wanted to share our love and not put limits on relationships where they go is where they go just letting them take a natural course and how some needs wasnt being meet and i wasnt able to and she felt it was unfair to ask me to meet those needs things started clicking and my world started getting brighter i have always had self confidence issues and thought i wouldnt be able to find anyone that would enjoy me like my wife did/ does that is when i meet some a greaat female friend that i worked with and she was 20ish and was easy on the eyes i thought i didnt have a chance i thought she was way out of my class and if my wife doesnt want me why would they want me well i started flirting with them and to my shock they started flirting back and i relized i wasnt that bad hay im not a super model but I'm not the nasty thing out there either so naturally we keep flirting with each other and hanging out outside of work but it never got to a physical leval just friends hanging out having fun and discussing problems one day at work one of them could see my deperssion was getting to me and came in my office and she just clocked out and said come on with me and let me take those toughts away we took a cruise i talked to her the whole time and she helped me so greatly in those hours we spent together just listing and conferting me and listening to me and trying to explain what polyamory is to someone who has no clue when you really dont understand your self is very difficult but i fumbled my way thru it and she understood what it is kind of and kind of the reasoning for it. The next day when she came in she peeped in my office and ask if i was ok and she keep checking on me that day and kept calling me sir in a very submissive voice thats when i figuered out i like that and being a dom but that's a story for another day this is also the day i figured out that attition from another female besides my wife is perfectly fine

But back to becoming poly from a mono i always thought that if i had needs and my wife didnt meet them then to try to forget those needs one of those deal with what you have kind of things but becoming poly i started understanding i can have my cake and eat it to it is unfair to depend or demand that one person can meet or exceed expectations or needs and as long as your primary relationship needs are meet to the best if yiur ability then why not see who else you can help and show love to the outside world is such a dark place why not show love and try to brighten it up i feel like this is a good place to leave this off i will continue this as i get more time i just feel like someone out there this may help who is going thru it your not alone and i hope it helps you or helps open up your eyes if how things can be differnt and everyone is different so why not embrace it

[r0mantic-h0micide]

i was writing more posts but they all were about my abuser and then i would start to dissociate and stare. then the thought of what i was saying would leave my brain and i couldnt finish what i was trying to say. so maybe its best that i just dont talk about it. theres no point in talking about it anyway, is there? i mean really, if you think about it, theres no point. whats done is done. nothing can change what happened to me. sometimes i wish it hadnt left me as broken as i am, but ive accepted things as they are for the most part.

sometimes i just wish people knew. i think it would make everything so much more clear. if people knew what happened between myself and my abuser, i think theyd understand more about me. but maybe its what happened between myself and zachariah that would help people understand better. my abuser was mostly physically abusive. for the most part, i suppose there isnt much to tell there.

but zachariah was different. it was deeper. he took my nothingness and turned it to pain and anger. he pulled me out of myself, all the way to the surface, just to suffocate me even more. and whats worse is that he had me begging for it. suddenly, one day, he turned the emptiness into burning rage and thats all i could feel for a long time. still, there are pieces of my memory that my brain has hidden away, but i remember the rage, even if its a vague and shadowy picture.

there arent enough words to even begin to explain how he made me feel. it was the high of my life. he made me feel special, like i was the only one he had ever cared about, even though i knew he wasnt capable of caring for anyone. even though i knew, if he wanted, i would be dead. but that was it, wasnt it? he chose not to. he chose to keep me around when he was so clear that when he was done with me, he would throw me away. to me, he was higher than god. an untouchable being that i was lucky to even be speaking to.

i never tell anyone anything about zachariah because then theyd know. theyd know that i am fucked up beyond repair. the things that he groomed me to find attractive are dangerous. i hate being looked at like im crazy. i didnt ask to be this way. i dont know anything different and i never had a chance to. sometimes, some of the things that i think to myself, make me sick to my stomach.

and its a burden that i bear alone because no one would understand and even if they did, its not like that would make it any better. i know its bad. i know my internal monologue is grotesque. im the one fighting it everyday. and sometimes i just wish that people knew that im trying so hard to change. and i wish they knew that i had to change. and i wish they knew why.

but every time i explain even just a little bit of how i felt about zachariah, how i still feel about zachariah, i have to see horror painted across that person's face. to me, its all ive known. to me, it was normal. there are still things that im learning arent normal that i thought were completely normal.

i wish things could have turned out differently. im pretty accepting of what has happened to me in my past. there isnt anything that i can do now. and honestly with the way i grew up, i didnt have much of a chance of turning out normal anyway. but i wish i could look at that little 11 year old girl and tell her that everything is okay and that she doesnt need to turn to strangers on the internet for validation. i wish i could tell her to do things differently.

its not something i spend my time beating myself up for. whats done is done. living life in regret isnt something i want for myself, its also just not who i am. but i'd like to think theres another world out there with another version of me where that little 11 year old was outside playing with friends instead of inside wishing she was dead because no one loved her. instead of turning to the internet for something that even resembled attention. and then she grew up with a normal high school experience and was nice and made friends. its comforting to think that, even if i have to go through all this pain, she doesn't.

[eekohfriendly]

when i was in like first grade, my teacher was explaining dreams and nightmares and daydreams. i remember raising my hand and being like "what about the bad version of a daydream? would that be called a daymare?" and she was like "NO that doesnt exist. theres no such thing as a daymare that would be silly" and to this day i remember feeling so hurt and frustrated because was i the only one? i had to be; the teacher said daymares dont exist and teachers are always right, so obviously i am Bad and Weird.

fast forward a long ass time and i'm 15. i'm 15 and i know about intrusive thoughts and maladaptive daydreaming which explains the "daymares", sort of, but i'm caught on why i got them so damn often.

i mean, yeah, my ADHD ass gets intrusive thoughts a lot, but maladaptive daydreaming is different and i definitely experienced a lot of both.

maladaptive daydreaming is usually caused by trauma and abuse, but... i don't remember anything especially traumatic happening n early childhood.

i'm pretty sure it was just the general societal trauma that i had already accumulated so much of; after all, in my short time of schooling i felt ostracized and Different from everybody else and i really didnt understand a lot of things that everybody else did and that made me feel like a freak. so thats probably it.

i cant shake the thought, though. the thought of did something really bad happen? did something happen when i was little that was so bad, i don't remember it? does my family know something about my past that i dont?

im pretty sure its not that, but every time i think back on things from my early childhood, i realize: i didn't "start" being sick and scared and depressed in 5th/6th grade. my ENTIRE LIFE has been deeply, horribly traumatic, mostly because of the way ive been treated by classmates, teachers, and even family members. i didnt break when i got to a certain age, i was broken down again and again throughout my entire life. i learned those possibly harmful coping mechanisms so early on that i didnt even know i was coping to begin with.

i've been a freak my entire fucking life, and it first became apparent when at the ripe old age of one when i was still smaller than your average football, when i would talk to strangers using big words and full sentences, asking too personal questions and various things about politics without realizing that it was the slightest bi odd or bad to do. ive always been a freak and i know that, but being reminded all day every day for literally my whole life thus far? that cant have done me any favors.

and i know its not just me.

im sure so so so so so many people on this damn website have heard that we dont know anything about non traumatized neurodivergent people because our society has made us all traumatized beyond reasonable repair.

so i know this isnt exactly a new concept.

...but still.

i cant help but wonder who i would be if i hadnt been broken and shattered so many times and forced to shoddily stick the pieces together with spit and off brand glue sticks. who would i be if i had not been broken at all? if i wasnt shunned and disgraced for having an undiagnosed mental disability? would it still even be a disability, if i had been fully accomodated all the time instead of the mere table scraps i get now, after i've already been snapped to teensy tinsy pieces beyond recognition?

i dont know. and ill never know. and no one will ever be able to truly understand. i mean, thats actually straight up bullshit. but. no one with the power to actually help will ever understand. they just wont. perhaps a tiny margin whom i shall never meet understood, once. but theyre adults now, and they can no longer get it because they have forgotten what it was like to experience these things. they are no longer completely helpless, so they can no longer truly know.

[com-persion-blog]

11 + 30 = ???

DAY FIVE JUMINXMC WEEK. WEDDINGS/MEMORIES. ANGST.

Everyone had warned her. Everyone had shaken their heads at her. Everyone had told her that she was making a mistake.  Everyone knew that you couldn’t propose to someone after 11 days of knowing them. Everyone knew that you simply couldn’t marry someone after a month of dating. Why didn’t he? Why didn’t he understand? 

She had been so wrapped up in the romance of it all. It was every women’s dream to marry a rich, handsome and kind man. At first, she thought it was the drama of it all. He suffered extreme paranoia. It drove him to do crazy things, like trying to keep her locked up in his house or proposing in public right in front of a hundred cameras. She knew that she did love him. She had been exposed to every aspect of his nature. His biggest fears and his greatest desires.She had learnt more about him in those eleven days than most people learn in ten years. She knew he was broken, she knew that she could help mend his wounds. She also knew that she wanted to help him. But, did that mean she wanted to marry him? 

M.C. reached her hands up to massage her temples, almost as if she was trying to rub those thoughts out of her brain. The soft satin against her forehead reminded her of where she was. Which just so happened to be a garden near a church where a wedding ceremony was about to be held. Her wedding. A runaway bride was so cliche that she literally laughed aloud at the thought. Every aspect of their relationship had seemed like a soap opera. Why stop it now? 

She knew why. She pictured Jumin's face. His cool exterior shattering at the thought that, once again, someone he loved so much wanted to escape from him. He'd panic. He'd do something ridiculous like call a national manhunt or go searching for her day and night himself. He'd be heartbroken. He'd be broken beyond repair. 

Could she really do that to him? No. Could she really marry him to prevent that from happening? 

Footsteps. 

Someone was approaching her. But who? She hastily wiped her tears from her face and graciously thanked her past self for being smart enough to buy high-quality water-proof make up. That would have been way too cliche. Finally, the mysterious figure approached her and took a seat on the bench beside her. She didn't have to look at him to know who it was. She immediately leant into him and he instinctively embraced her. "I'm sorry. . ." She muttered the apology almost inaudibly, but he still managed to catch it. 

"No. I'm sorry. Sorry that I didn't give that jerk a smack and tell him what's what." Normally his comments would irritate her to no end. However, looking up into his warm eyes, she couldn't help but laugh. "Don't worry about it. Jumin wouldn't have listened to you anyways, Zen."

She knew why he was here. He would ask her to run away, be with him instead. He would fill her head with promises of romance and true, honest, normal love. He would tell her that he could treat her way better than Jumin ever could. And she'd deny his offer... right? "Are you here to take me away?"

"No." His reply was so simple, so casual. She pulled away from him in alarm and narrowed her eyes at the actor before her. Did he not like her anymore? Was that beautiful, poetic confession a lie? “Don’t look at me like that. I will always care for you. But, you aren’t supposed to be mine. Despite being better than him at everything, Jumin is the one you love. Every chick gets nervous on their wedding day. It’s normal. Yes, it all happened really fast. Yes, you may be wondering if you did the right thing. And, heck yeah you may be thinkng that you’re living in one big cliche. But, cliches are cliches for a reason. If you really don’t want to marry him, I’ll support you. But, I don’t think that’s the case.”

Her expression softened as she pondered his words. Quickly, she realized that he was right. Of course he was! And if even Zen, who practically hated Jumin’s guts, was telling her she’d be dumb not to marry him then that surely meant she was making a mistake. Not only that, she really did love him. As quickly as they had come, her doubts melted away. M.C. stood up from the bench and tried to smooth down her dress. Luckily, she had chosen a mermaid dresss over a puffy big one. It still cost a lot of money though, she was glad she didn’t ruin it any.

So, with Zen trailing behind her, she made her way up the wedding ceremony. She slipped into the heels she had left outside the door (who wanted to be a runaway ride in six inch heels), returned to her bridal party and went on as though nothing had happened.

She smiled at Jumin’s awe-struck face as she walked down the aisle. She cried at his vows that he had made with the help of Jihyun, who also cried as he heard them. She laughed at Jumin’s embarrassed face as Jihyun told the Spoon Story as part of his best-man speech. She kissed Jumin as much as she coulld, with as much passion as she could. She hugged him as though she couldn’t let him go.

She married the man she loved with no regrets. 

“I love you more than Elizabeth loves diamond encrusted food bowls. More than Zen loves his face. More than Yosung loves games. And more than Saeyoung loves being an absolute cretin. Oh, and more than Assistant Kang loves coffee and holidays.” They both laughed at his lame jokes as the car pulled awayfrom the reception. They didnt say another word the entire journey. They just sat together, in absolute blissful harmony. In that moment, she knew. She knew she had made the perfect choice. She thanked her past self for being smart enough to listen to Zen. As they got out of the car, to start their new life as a married couple, Jumin uttered another sentence that erased any possible shred of doubt that she had. “I love you, Mrs. Han.”

[ilysbtay13]

One day, i will end my life and theres not a single thing you can do about it. Im convinced my mind will kill me one day and i have accepted it a long time ago.

There will come a time where all of this will be nothing, all of me will turn into something that is beyond your reach. All of the pain, miseries and regret i have contained within me will explode and it will be the time i will leave this world.

I never really wanted to leave, but i dont want to stay here anymore. Ive always felt like i didnt belong here, that i belong somewhere and i needed to go so i can live the life i was meant to live.

And to everyone i have loved, i wished they love me back maybe, just maybe life got better. I wish i feel like i was enough, but i will never be enough and i know i needed to leave.

I dont see myself in the future, i cant make it into the future. I have this burden in me that i have been carrying since i was a child. All the abused, the yelling, and the miseries she had put me through. I have it inside me, i kept it locked. Hidden. I still am trying to recover from my childhood. All of it had shaped me into something that is disgusting and terribly wrong. I feel so wrong. I feel out of place. I still feel like a kid sometimes, someone who hasnt learned anything yet. Someone who is trapped. Someone who is dead. Someone who feels so clueless about what is going on around but i feel old too. Someone who have seen so much and still seeing things that is awfully wrong.

All my life, all ive ever been is something that is damage beyond repair. I was broken. My childhood is ruined. All those years i was with her, i feel ruined. And its true, parents had been one of the main reasons why a child grew up broken. And i grew up not being aware of what ive been feeling and the moment i become a teen, its when i started understanding things and its been hard to process. Ive got no one to talk about it, ive kept it far too long its hard to open up with someone. And all these years, i wanted to die.

I was a suicidal kid, i still am.

And up until now, i feel scared. I feel ashamed of all the things happened in my past. I havent recovered from all of it.

Up until now, i still feel that same old kid who wanted ro be dead.

Up until now, i didnt tell a soul about it.

No one knows.

And when i die, i hope i get to find the peace ive been robbed of.

And i hope in another life, i get to have the life ive been robbed of when i was still a kid and when i die before my time please keep in mind that i wasnt fine.

I did my best though.

I made it this far. That should be enough.

[spookyxkitten]

I didn't grow up in a loving home. I don't know how to be "affectionate".

I didnt grow up being hugged by my parents. My mom said I love you when going to school but that's about it. My dad never did. Not until 5 years ago and it feels uncomfortable.

I didnt grow up getting hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy. Being able to ask them for help when needed. Going on trips and going out with them

I grew up getting yelled at for being sick, getting hurt and for having a panic attack. Being told weekly that my mom wished she never had me. Flinching and getting mocked or yelled at for being scared. Saying angrily how she wasnt going to hit me but she may as well now. Having my room destroyed for upsetting her, and or from crying over her digging out a painful sliver. After the abuse she would calm down and take care of me. Abuse triggered by sickness or pain, something out of my control. I grew up scared every fucking day and night of my life. Full blown fucking scared. Hearing my mom fighting with my dad and throwing shit then yelling at my nana for standing up for her son. Crying myself to sleep on a weekly basis to the point where I was hysterical and getting yelled at saying she will give us a reason to cry. We were children. We were SCARED. We used to want a window on the wall so we could talk when it was happening for comfort because we weren't allowed to go to each others room. My mom packing her bags before work saying shes leaving and not coming back because of us. I'd stay up and have panic attacks waiting for her come home, not knowing if she was going to. Not being allowed in the kitchen. Trying to help bake but get screamed at for doing something wrong. Called a slut and a raccoon when I was a virgin just because of how I did my makeup. My sister would join in calling me that. Theres sooo much more. It did not make me "stronger" or "tough"....it fucked me up.

I don't feel affection. I dont remember any good. I am scared when someone raises their voice . I am immediately scared someone is leaving me if they are mad at me. I cant tell the difference between joking angry and real anger. If someone's tone changes to somewhat negative I panic thinking they are angry. I cling onto people. I never feel safe. I'm scared all the time. I'm paranoid. I'm fucking angry. I feel detached. I act like a child sometimes. Idk what to do if I'm not given directions. I have severe abandonment issues.

I'm not strong. I shouldnt have played strong, I shouldnt have had to grow up fast. I should have had a childhood. I shouldnt have wasted my teen and youth jumping from ways to kill myself abs how to hide healing cuts.

I feel like I'm fucked up beyond repair.

I dont want to be alive anymore.

I want to get a gun and swallow a bullet. It's all I FUCKING THINK ABOUT.

I'm not strong. I'm fucking broken.